#clearly she's never been anything like me or realized just how traumatic that part of my life has been in hindsight.

[siredtoyourlips]

Chosen ones

Sirius x Remus x Fem!Reader

Summary~ The aftermath of the war and Y/n Potter daughter of James and Lily Potter and Sister of Harry Potter stayed behind and helped rebuild and heal those who needed help after it, in those two years of staying behind she got closer to Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. What happens when she overhears them talking about something she probably shouldn't have heard?

1.5k words

Warnings~ Small talk about the war, Reader is a nurse, kinda girly ( she wears a skirt), Dirty talk, Threesome, Anal, unprotected sex ( that's a nono), Breading kink ( at the end), James is dead but its still James best friends, kissing, Remus and Sirius kinda fighting over reader, soft sex basically, pet names, my writing, reader got hurt from a belt, Sub!Reader Dom! Remus and Sirius, Kinda begging but not really Reader is about 19-20 and Remus and Sirius are 40.

PSA~ this is never permanently stated but Remus and Sirius are like Lowkey together

Where ever I go there's always eyes glued to me, it's not anything I did per say but its because who I am and the family I was born into.

Two years ago me and my brother defeated the dark lord and the death eaters, they killed friends and family, they ruined our school and traumatized many of us but they didn't take away what was left of our family. We had to make it look like Sirius died so the death eaters would think they had an edge on us, oh were they wrong.

We won and saved people who probably weren't going to be saved like Sirius, Remus, Fred, and Lavender. Every since the war everyone gets along better there's no hateful things said about people with different blood statuses or abilities like there was before.

While Harry went to be an Auror and start his life with Ginny, I stayed behind to help rebuild the castle and help those who were in need, I'm a part-time nurse. I still live with Sirius and Remus or should I say they live with me, I pay the bills but after the war they just wanted to be alone from all the prying eyes and who could blame them. From my parents dying to this day all attention has been on us. It's finally dying down.

Today has been a long day, while so many people are working on building the school there's also so many people getting hurt, I have at least 10 patients a day and today that was tripped. This day is finally ending.

As I walk through the front door I see all the lights off except for one, the living room light. I take my shoes off and walk into the lighted up room and I assume the two men who I've lived with the past two years are on the couch, Remus is wide awake with just a pair of pants on watching some muggle documentary but Sirius is no where to be found .

Remus sees me and waves me over to sit with him, and I do. See the thing is I live with the hottest men ever and it drives me insane especially when they dress like this.

' long day sweetheart?' he asks when I lay my head on his shoulder and I just mumble a 'mhm' and feel him putting a blanket around me. I feel so cozy that I don't realize that I was falling asleep until what I assume is not that later because Remus is watching the same thing but Sirius is on the other side of me rubbing my back, and I feel safe, and I start dozing off again

'how long has she been sleeping?' that's Sirus's voice. ' bout an hour, she fell asleep right after she came home, long day at work'.

'I bet' Sirius mumbles. 'Her short outfits always drives me insane, I swear she does it on purpose' Sirius says and I hear Remus clear his throat before he sits up straight and my head falls and hits his belt. And that's when I really wake up 'ow' I mumble as Remus picks up my head and looks like a deer in headlights, I can tell he feels so bad for moving ' I'm so sorry hunny' he says, clearly tense ' its ok' I say.

Sirius stands up and looks at my head, 'nothing bad love just a little red' he says and takes my hand and says ' lets go to bed, ok?' and I just nod.

They both walk me up stairs and after what I think I heard Sirius say I'm curious as to how Remus feels too so I say, 'can i sleep in your room tonight please?'. and they don't say anything and just open their door and let me come in.

This wasn't a first time thing, I have nightmares frequently and if I don't end up in their bed one or both of them come in mine so I feel more safe after the dream I had. ' How does your head feel' Sirius asks and they both look at my head than at me ' fine, doesn't really hurt at all.

'Im so sorry that you had to wake up to that Y/n'. Remus says and I blurt out ' was kinda awake anyways' rookie mistake Y/n, and they both just look at each other and Sirius asks 'so you heard what we were talking about then?'

I look at him and say 'yeah, didn't mean to but I did' and sirius looked freaked while Remus was the calm one this time. 'Why didn't you say anything' Sirius asks you. 'I dunno, was scared' and they look at each other than back at you 'of what love?' Remus says. You just shrug, you're too tired to do this, so you get up and walk to the door but they both jump right up and stop you sirius closes the door and Remus tilts your head towars him, and with a wave of confidence Remus says 'baby, you gotta tell us what you're thinking' and you do, but have to, theres no way around it. 'I feel that way too' I mumble under my breath and of course they heard it.

'Is that so?' Sirius asks as he walks up to me and picks me up, not giving a single inch of attention to Remus and puts me back on the bed and kisses me without warning. And I let him and if wasn't for Remus yanking Sirius back I don't think the kiss would have ended. It took ten seconds from Sirius kissing me to Remus kissing me.

Remus backs up and just looks at me, his and Sirius's eyes and blown. 'We have to stop, if we don't then I'm going to go all the way' Remus says ' yeah' sirius mumbles.

'I want to go all the way' I say and it doesn't take ten seconds before Sirius's shirt is thrown and I'm laying down with Remus hands going to my shirt taking it off. Then my skirt, and I look over to Sirius and the only thing he has on is his boxers, and you can see how hard he is. Remus now backs up and takes his belt and pants off while Sirius kisses down my neck and reaches his hand down my back and unclips my bra and Remus comes back over and lifts up my ass and takes off my panties.

They both sit back for a minute to look at me, but that miniute ends when Sirius starts rubbing my clit ' that feel good baby, yeah. I bet it does' Sirius whispers into my hear. Remus brings his hand down and starts fingering me. ' shit baby, so tight. How are you ever going to fit me?' he mumbles to himself 'want your cock please' and the second I say that I can tell that they both are about to tackle each other.

Remus stand up and takes his boxers off and out springs the biggest dick I've ever seen. I can't stop staring at it ' you ready baby' Remus says and he lines himself 'mhm' you mumble and he slowly starts stretching you out. And your breath shakes and he notices it ' breath hunny, you got this' and you nod your head and say 'please move' and he does. he goes slow at first but then slowly starts to go faster, and you look over to Sirius who's looking at your tits bouncing, ' want your cock Siri' and he pulls his boxers down and says 'where do you want me baby'

And you think for a second and look at Remus 'please' you say and he looks at you all confused and slows down ' what baby' and you whisper something in his ear and he's grinning ear to ear. He picks you up and walks you around the bed to Sirius and says ' she wants you to take her in her ass' and Sirius doesn't waste a moment before he's going to his drawer and grabbing his lube and making sure it wont hurt as bad

'you ready doll?' he asks and waits for a response ' yeah' and then he very slowly sinks you down on his dick. and slowly starts to move. The faster Remus goes the faster Sirius does and it feels so good. ' OH MY GOD' you moan out. 'Shit' Sirius mumbles as he goes faster and Remus runs your clit ' Shit, fuck DADDY' you scream out and it surprises them both but they don't care who it was directed at, you don't even know who it was at, it doesnt matter.

'Shit, baby you about to cum?' Remus asks and you just nod your head. 'Cum with us sweetheart' Sirius says and you do right before they both cum in you. It felt so good that you blacked out and when you gain control again they're both pulled out and Remus had a warm wet rag against your pussy and ass wiping the mess they made.

'Next time my cum is staying in you baby' Remus says right before you pass out.

#smut #fanfiction #sirius black smut #remus lupin smut #remus lupin #remus lupin fluff #sirius black fluff #harry potter universe #threes0me

[cocogum]

My honest reactions of episodes 5 and 6 (part 1)

PART 2 : HERE

(‼️SEASON 4 SPOILERS‼️)

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We obviously start with the ✨sadidas✨ Armand and Amalia (as we should 💕) coming back from the assembly meeting with the Eliatrope goddess.

Okay so were starting off pretty strong lol

I LOVE how Armand thinks about the Eliatrope goddess cuz yeah we were pretty much thinking the same thing (about how she’ll pretty much stalk them and will put her children in their world) and I just absolutely LOVE how he’s keeping his guard because of her and has become even more doubtful of Yugo. (Just look at his eyes as he stares at Amalia!!)

Because yeah, even though he wasn’t as wary of Yugo before, some hints were still shown in the OVAs when he called him “a king without his people is unheard of” but Yugo shrugged his comment off.

BUT NOW WE GET TO SEE MORE OF ARMAND SLANDERING YUGO and basically exposing Amalia acting “not rational” when she talks about Yugo.

Armand, my man, your sister’s clearly in love with Yugo OF COURSE SHE WOULDN’T BE RATIONAL WITH HIM (you should’ve seen how she kissed Oropo tho you would’ve lost your shit lo)

BUT DAMN ARMAND CHILL WTF ARE U RACIST AGAINST ELIATROPES NOW???!!? Same ngl 🥰🥰 I want more drama 💖💖

I just ADORE Az and his family playing on their tree Tofu tower they look so adorable ☺️✨💖 I already made a headcanon that Yugo and Alibert built it (while Chibi and Grougal just watched).

OMG EVERYONE STFU MY SONS ARE HERE ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😍😍😍😍😍🥰😍😍🥰😍😍🥰🥰 ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I’VE SEEN U TWO 😭😭😭💖💖

Look at these two not doing anything and just being lazy bums 😭😭🥰💕💕

Also I need a gif of Yugo and Alibert hugging with Az and his kids in the background asap ✨

But all cuteness aside, in all my years of being a Wakfu fan, I literally never saw Yugo make that face before. Like it was so uncalled for that my heart literally dropped when I saw him like that. I never thought that the face of terror and shock (combined with the booming sound in the background) could go so well on him and now I wanna see it more!! I HOPE YOU TORTURE HIM ANKAMA!!

Btw the Eliatrope goddess is such a fraud and can’t think for herself even though she said she wants to rule a freaking planet but okay (u fucked up the first time by default when ur kids had one planet for themselves but ur already messing up ur second time cuz ur running away from ur problems when U AND NORA WERE THE REASON WHY THE NECROMES GOT OUT ARE U KIDDING ME- YOU DIDN’T CHECK?!!!???!)

Armand’s really trying hard not to say something racist right now.

Dude can’t even look him in the eyes while saying hi lol

Also can we talk about what Armand told Yugo??? :

Like………

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF FORESHADOWING ?!?!? I DONT GET IT AND IM SCARED NOW ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️

ANKAMA STOP PLAYING WITH ME, DON’T TOUCH MY AMALIA ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

No because im legitimately scared that something bad will happen to her, why else would Armand say these kinds of things to YUGO of all people????

I swear I will actually cry if this ended up being foreshadowing cuz honestly wtf…why did Amalia ever do to you people….My fear for Amalia was already there even before Season 4 so why do you gotta make my paranoia resurface like that??? Why do u gotta do me like that???? 😭😭😭

This is the guy who started a genocide against his own people and has more common sense than the GODDESS right in front of him. I get that she’s traumatized cuz of what happened to her but you gotta realize that they’ll always run after you if you just keep running, so the least you can do is throw your kids to fight for you. I just love how the only reason why Qilby is saying any of this is because for once, he’s not the one in control of the fate of the world and can’t redirect the signal or stop it himself lol

#wakfu #ankama #krosmoz #wakfu s4 #wakfu season 4 #wakfu season 4 spoilers #wakfu s4 spoilers #wakfu season 4 episode 5 #wakfu season 4 episode 6 #wakfu s4 ep5 #wakfu s4 ep6 #wakfu season 4 episode 5 spoilers #wakfu season 4 episode 6 spoilers #wakfu s4 ep5 spoilers #wakfu s4 ep6 spoilers #wakfu yugo #wakfu chibi #wakfu grougal #wakfu grougaloragran #wakfu adamai #wakfu adamaï #wakfu amalia sheran sharm #wakfu amalia #wakfu armand #wakfu armand sheran sharm #wakfu reactions #wakfu reaction

[toointojoelmiller]

today I can't stop thinking about Joel & Ellie & love

This is the thought spiral I've been on today instead of doing my actual job. PS this is sad because I'm sad lol.

Pt 2 spoilers btw.

Marlene has feelings of fondness for Ellie, at the minimum. Clearly she feels a connection to her as the daughter of her best friend. She gets her into a safe environment while she continues her Firefly work. Marlene isn't a monster. She wants to do good for the world. She cries at the idea of having to kill Ellie for the cure. To her, she is feeling a form of love towards Ellie.

She realizes that Ellie and Joel have bonded, and assumes that Joel also feels love for her. So she believes she can understand his pain.

But she obviously does not have parental love for Ellie. She doesn't view Ellie as her own.

Neil Druckmann has spoken in interviews before about how one elements of the themes explored in TLOU came from how he experienced parental love as something that was completely unimaginable until you experience it for yourself - how the love that a parent has for their child practically blocks out everything else and makes you irrational and crazy sometimes. And has also mentioned that many fans who he has encountered who are in the Joel Did the Right Thing camp are parents who say 'I would do exactly that for my kid'.

Joel has experienced the insanity that comes with having and loving a child, and the pain and insanity of losing that child. It destroyed him.

Marlene has no. idea. what. that. is.

She thinks she knows what he is feeling, underestimates Joel significantly (two guards???), and all the fireflies get squished.

An interesting idea explored in the story of Pt 1 and Pt 2 combined is that love opens our eyes AND it severely blinds us. Love saves us AND it destroys us. And sometimes the only way we fully appreciate the power of love is through the grief that comes when we lose it.

❤️‍🩹 💔

Okay.. now think about this idea of different experiences of love and pain giving us blindspots re: being able to actually understand each other, combined with ...

The "love me the way I want you to" motif.

This is so so heartbreaking to consider regarding Joel & Ellie's relationship breakdown, Ellie's grief spiral, and how she finally escapes it.

When she's young, she isn't capable of understanding just how much Joel loves her. She doesn't have the ability to see his actions at the hospital as an act of love. She thinks that if Joel truly loved her, he would have shown it the way she wanted it to be shown - which at that time she believes is letting her be sacrificed for the cure.

When Ellie loses Joel and knows she will never have him in her life again, she is ripped open by the pain. NOW she actually can somewhat appreciate how unbearably painful letting her die would have been for him. And as she's feeling the pain of his death, and thinking to herself every minute of the day "I would do anything to go back in time and save him", she can finally understand why he did what he did.

She also has JJ with Dina after Joel's death, giving her more perspective on the parent-child dynamic still - both personally, as she certainly has played an active role in caring for him, and also through being part of Dina's motherhood journey, seeing her insane love for her baby.

She knows that Joel experienced some version of that with Sarah, and lost her (which she already knew was traumatic for him but now can understand). And it's this added layer of guilt for her, because Ellie knows she was pissed at him and blamed him and cut him off for not wanting to go through that agony again.

The grief she feels is SO painful that she needs to try to find a way to run from it. The only way Ellie knows is to do the same thing Joel did when he lost Sarah - try not to think about it, try to ignore it, try to bury it in something else... like going on some crazy rage fueled revenge mission.

Just like it was for Joel, anger is easier to feel than grief. Anger makes her feel like she's DOING something. The grief just makes her feel like she's going to die.

She does things she hates herself for and she thinks it's out of love. And unfortunately for her, because she IS a kind and empathetic person with a good heart, she can't avoid that things aren't actually as black and white as the anger-brain and desire to avenge Joel wants her to believe.

She's constantly being confronted with the reality of how others have a "person" just like Joel was hers and she was his - and both her and Joel have killed many, many of those people. Her sense of justification with the rage mission is eroding, even if she doesn't want it to and tries to hang onto it.

And she loses more and more of herself, because avoiding the pain of her grief also means she needs to block out thinking about the positives about her bond with Joel.

She can't even draw his face because it hurts too much.

When she sees Abby trying to save Lev, obviously paralleling her and Joel's devotion to each other, it just shatters her ability to keep trying to stuff all of the confusing awful feelings into a box they don't fit into. She's too physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted to keep fighting it. She just gives in to whatever the hell the grief is going to make her feel.

To me, Ellie's 'Joel on the Porch Flashback' moment is her heart and soul finally letting in the grief, with all of the pain and all of the love together. That's the thing about grief. Letting yourself fully feel it brings undeniable clarity about the love that created it.

She is finally able to accept and think about their bond in all of it's complexity. Even though she can't deny all of the imperfect and even terrible (rip humanity lol) and messy parts to it, and even though she wishes she did so many things differently when she still had Joel with her, she is able to finally let herself remember and feel how special and unconditional and undeniably good the love they had for each other was.

And that makes her realize that this isn't how she shows Joel love. This isn't what Joel would want for her. All he would want for her was to live a healthy, long, peaceful life full of love. The way to show Joel that she still loves him is by doing just that.

And while she is clearly still insanely depressed and heartbroken and traumatized at the end, I also think that her leaving the guitar in the empty house is a bit of a gesture she is giving to Joel to say "I get it and I'm going to try to live like you want me to - I'm not going to let loss break me."

sigh.

P.S. I actually emotionally can't handle the guitar thing even when I try to cope with a nice spin so I actually just pretend she comes back for it eventually at some point lol.

did this even make sense? idk.

#the last of us #joel miller #ellie williams #joel and ellie #tlou #tlou obsession #brain rot

[sweetcloverheart]

Clover Rants Miraculously: Painting With The Same Brush

You know, I think the most saddest (and kind of funny in an ironic way) things about “Derision” and other episodes/scenes like it is that in the writers attempts to get Chloe to seem “irredeemably evil” to the audience, all they’ve done is make the rest of the cast look bad. Like those scenes don’t effect my view of her because the show already told us Chloe was a brat and bully from the get-go, so learning about the date prank and her forcing Marinette to stay home and the entire plot of “Collusion” and “Confrontation” just come off as learning nothing new. Complete net-zero information. Meanwhile...

Bustier (and by extension Damocles and Mendeleiev) looks like an even worse teacher for ignoring her misbehavior and constantly putting the onus on Marinette to solve the issue if things were this bad already, especially when “Revelation” shows she’s so oblivious to the things going on in class that she's actually genuinely shocked Chloe hasn’t been doing her own homework for the entirety of her middle school career and then some. Like I know the fandom likes to joke that she’s a kindergarten teacher at the wrong school and “haha public education sucks because teachers bad” but DAMN woman, are you telling me you never side-eyed how similar Sabrina and “Chloe” homework tended to be even once (or maybe Sabrina’s just that good at forging handwriting like I often headcanon)? Just how little is FD’s overall funding that no one ever tried double checking this stuff?! No wonder Chloe treats y’all like a joke!

The class comes off as pretty fairweather/uncaring as Marinette was being bullied by Chloe for years (especially since it was stated in canon that Marinette had no friends until “Origins”) but only are only now seem to care about it. Even with the potential excuse of “Well Marinette grew a backbone/they’re less scared of Chloe now”, “Derision” showed the kids cared less about Chloe’s opinion than they do now and were willing to comfort Marinette after the prank, so what was stopping them from openly helping her out up until “Origins”?

The school faculty, despite Chloe having a reputation for exaggerating things and being purposely petty when demanding “punishments” when she feels slighted, constantly not only immediately believing her when she’s clearly making stuff up, but also still refusing to put their foots down (waiting until the grand coincidence of an Akumatized!Bustier forcing Andre to step down as opposed to, IDK, showing solidarity and care for their students by choosing to refuse Chloe’s demands and meeting her threats head on?). Again, what is the school paying you for?

Kim looks like a complete jerk now seeing as how he doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with that he did to Marinette in “Derision” and gives a rather poor apology afterwards - one he had to be shamed into rather than realizing and giving it on his own. Heck the only reason he even gets Akumatized over it is because everyone else was riding him on how messed up it was and he got fed up with it. It also kind of puts into question why Marinette is so friendly with him/still gave him a Miraculous if he participated in what was such a traumatic event for her. And that’s not even getting into poor Ondine having to hear her own boyfriend call another girl (whom is established as a huge jerk) “The prettiest girl in the world” Kim bby I’m so sorry the writers are doing you so dirty

Sabrina’s upgrade to Miraculous holder/her redemption feels even more unearned now because like above, she shows no remorse for her actions in “Derision” or the bullying she’s been (willingly in some parts) participating in for the last four seasons and before then, and only ends up leaving Chloe because Lila takes her spot as Chloe’s bestie and she hated having to share (and because their latest scheme in “Collusion” potentially involved jail time for her if they got caught) instead of genuine disgust at Chloe’s growing nastiness or her own mistreatment because of it. All those years of waiting and fics about Sabrina finally breaking free and realizing she could be better - rewarded with her instead abandoning Chloe to save her own skin and hopping onto the SS.Marinette because it benefited her more (and again, doesn’t involve jail time) rather than genuine regret of her actions. So inspiring

Andre basically allowed Chloe to get away with using his position as mayor to mistreat her classmates+the citizens and flaunt her status as his daughter for years, and only starts caring/putting his foot down when she starts doing it to Zoe and only for Zoe (the “good” non-blood daughter that the original script had him state he “liked better”) before he immediately abandons her to Audrey the first chance he gets, despite understanding what a terrible and abusive person his wife is - And let’s not forget him calling his 14 year old daughter that he raised “heartless” and terrible (to the man who frequently overrides his own child’s freewill with magic mind you). What’s worse is that the show plays this off like it’s his reward for having “suffered” under Chloe’s demands and that it’s all her fault he’s a terrible mayor (like he hadn’t often willingly broken laws or abused his position on his own with no prompting from her for his personal benefit). I’m sure all the neglectful dads who replace affection towards their children with gifts and indulgences watching feel totally respected and represented now.

Poor Sabine and Tom already get a bad enough rep as it is thanks to some of the story decisions made *COUGH*A//doration*COUGH*Ladybug*COUGHCOUGH*, but now we’ve been basically informed that they knew Marinette was being bullied to the point of actually pretending to be sick and...did nothing. And not even in a “We want to help but we’re limited thanks to school bureaucracy and/or our own financial situation” way but at “Yeah we know you’re terrified of your classmate tormenting you again and that this constant slew of harassment from all sides is slowly destroying your mental health but we’re just gonna tell you to buck up”. Yeah, they gave her Socqueline keeping an eye out but that ultimately ended up doing nothing to really protect her in the end

Zoe, for all her goodness and being portrayed as a “better redeemed!Chloe” as her claim to fame, does nothing to make good on her promise to love Chloe no matter what in “Queen Banana” and watches her half-sister being abandoned by her entire immediate family while reaping all the benefits from it (Not to say that’s her fault or she’s required to, just that it’s...well, not a good look for her tbh). While Zoe isn’t obligated to put up with Chloe’s mistreatment (and she isn’t), it def makes her look super hypocritical to claim to love Chloe “even if the whole world hates [her]” and then do/say nothing as her stepdad basically leaves her half sister to suffer from the same fate she escaped from in New York.

Adrien, despite having a front row seat to how awful and nasty Chloe can be to people who aren’t him and watching her torment his classmates for the past 9 months in canon, only now ends their friendship - and over an event that happened a year ago when he wasn’t there that she isn’t sorry for, when she’s been doing worse since he arrived with no remorse then either, with his only response back then being to chuckle and go “Chloe will never change” like a wistful friend. After 5 whole seasons of handwaving his handwaving of Chloe’s bullying, they only now have him care, with the catalyst being that Marinette won’t give him happy-smoochy-times because of whatever happened - and then make it worst by having him try to kill Kim for it, after having him have a near mental breakdown over accidentally giving the terrorist responsible for every one of his current life issues a death sentence with the same method (and also trying to do it to another akuma victim). My sincerest condolences Adrien please join Kim in the “You got screwed badly by the episode narrative” corner

Like, I genuinely have to wonder how they wrote out those episodes and thought anyone involved looked good afterwards. Peoples opinions on Chloe can’t sink any lower than they already are (and if they can, that’s mostly because they already disliked her), but you aren’t making her look worse by slinging mud on everyone else, even unintentionally.

#ML Salt #Clover Rants Miraculously #ML Leaks

[zaenaris]

Personally I see a lot of despair in Koko's eyes (see the bags under his eyes) and the epitome of his guilt; guilt for not saving Akane and because he's probably afraid that Inupi also used him for his own gain like everyone else, which is not the case of course but it's a delicate moment and Inupi touched a sore point, but one that was imperative to address because, in the end, Inupi had a point, Koko couldn't forgive himself for Akane's death even if it wasn't his fault. Koko rationally knew she was gone, but he couldn't let his guilt go.

Inupi is desperately trying to reason with Koko, (the way Seishu's voice just breaks when he screams he's SEISHU and not Akane destroyed me, kudos Enoki Junya) but Koko is still not ready to forgive himself and accept that he simply wants to be with Inupi (he needs another 2.5 years and a separation to get to that point) so I, personally, see a lot of despair in that look, I see Koko feeling that he has let down, once again, the people he cares about: Seishu and Akane.

He probably feels that he let Seishu down because he doesn't want to join Tenjiku with him even if Koko made sure to prepare a place for him because, in Koko's mind, Tenjiku was the safest option. And because, for all that time, Koko always tried to do his best.

I've got the feeling that Koko feels he's being judjed by Inupi at that point, he's angry and emotional during the whole fight with Inupi (and in the anime even sadder and more defeated), he shouts at him to "stop looking at him with that face". The official translation in my native language imho conveys better this feeling because Koko says "Don't look at me with those eyes full of contempt" and then he talks in past sentence regarding everything he did, all the requested he accepted in the past in order to make money.

Imho this is Koko projecting his own anger towards himself: sure, Inupi is worried for Koko, a part of him is mad at Koko because Inupi has perfectly understood Koko's problems and his guilt, while Koko clearly isn't ready to face the problem and I guess Inupi is tired, emotionally drained by that situation (let's keep in mind Inupi's fears as well, he wants to believe Koko sticks with him because he wants to, but he's also afraid to be seen as a substitute).

But also let's not forget that, with all the history they have, Koko also probably doesn't feel at peace with himself in his relationship with Inupi for the reasons we know: the fact that Koko saved him while shouting Akane's name and then he couldn't save her.

We know that Koko wants to be with Inupi as he choses to do in the last arc, but they never addressed their problems, even if i'm sure that Koko is happy that Inupi survived;

and I understand it wouldn't have been easy; to this day, I have no idea how Koko might have felt after the fire, it was such a terrible situation.

Then there was the kiss of course, the moment where, imho, Koko admits to himself for the first time he has feelings for Inupi and not for Akane. The same Akane that stopped him from kissing her and gave him an important lesson: "kiss only the person you like".

But it's terrible realization given their traumatic past, saving Inupi "by chance", his guilt for not saving Akane, the promise he did to her to protect her, the life of crime he was living that he hated and Akane wouldn't have condone. Let's not even start thinking about what it mean to be not-straight in a society like Japan...

Anyway, a part of Koko wants to go on, as implied by his character song and confirmed by his decisions in the last arc. But it's not easy, Koko sees himself as unredeemable for a long time, while he knows, because he sees it during the Tenjiku arc, that Inupi can live a good life without him, while he can't see himself living without making money in the worst way for the worst people

And in my opinion it is no accident that he caresses the scar, Inupi's hallmark more than anything else

He would like to be with Inupi, but he knows he has done bad things to get there that he can tell he is not proud of.

Inupi is pursuing an ideal by staying with Toman, which Koko cannot accept because he is too disillusioned and thinks he has no other choice (plus Tenjiku was the safest solution when they had their fight; then we know Tenjiku "loses", but Koko was trying to be rational, at least, before the Akane's topic came up.)

Inupi is more rational/lucid in regards to Akane and Koko's money obsession; maybe it was just a narrative decision, maybe it's a trait of Inupi's personality, maybe Inupi realized and processed many things off screen, whatever, but it seems to me that Inupi has a better grasp of the actual problem in their relationship, his own obsession with Black Dragoon (clearly a way to cope) and has somehow processed the trauma better; not that he's over it, otherwise he wouldn't shout at Koko to stop seeing him as Akane, but I see him more emotionally mature in some aspects or at least, he's more honest with himself about the situation, even if he still has his fears.

(There's is also a whole part of headcanons regarding Inupi and Akane and how he must have felt after the fire and her death, knowing that, in Inupi's mind, he wasn't "supposed to live", the grief of losing a sister that he loved, maybe some irrational jealousy because he wasn't Koko's "first choice" -i hate this term, but try to understand Inupi's pov🥲-, but still being sad because Inupi rationally knows it's a terrible thing to think, especially since she's dead, he misses her, has survival guilt, their whole family destroyed, physically, psychologically and economically, but this is more headcanon/fanfiction territory)

#tokyo revengers #inui seishu #kokonoi hajime #inukoko #kokonui #akane inui #tokyorev meta #tokyorev spoilers #tokyorev anime spoilers #zae talks about tr #zaenaris

[rewildling]

UnKiss: Trauma or Fantasy?

probably not saying anything that hasn’t already been said but I’m gonna say it anyway

Guinevere by Florence Harrison

We know that Sandor almost kisses Sansa during the Blackwater scene but stops when she closes her eyes:

He yanked her closer, and for a moment she thought he meant to kiss her. He was too strong to fight. She closed her eyes, wanting it to be over, but nothing happened. Sansa VII, ACOK

But this isn’t how Sansa remembers it:

Sansa wondered what Megga would think about kissing the Hound, as she had. He’d come to her the night of the battle stinking of wine and blood. He kissed me and threatened to kill me, and made me sing him a song. Sansa II, ASOS

As the boy’s lips touched her own she found herself thinking of another kiss. She could still remember how it felt, when his cruel mouth pressed down on her own. He had come to Sansa in the darkness as green fire filled the sky. He took a song and a kiss, and left me nothing but a bloody cloak. Alayne II, AFFC

“You do know what goes on in a marriage bed, I hope?” She thought of Tyrion, and of the Hound and how he’d kissed her, and gave a nod. Alayne II, AFFC

Some readers claim that Sansa misremembers Sandor kissing her as a sort of subconscious coping mechanism — romanticizing a traumatic memory to make it less distressing. Frankly, this argument doesn’t make much sense. Sansa doesn’t misremember any of the other traumatic events in her life, ones that are arguably much worse than the Blackwater, like her father’s execution:

Sometimes her sleep was leaden and dreamless, and she woke from it more tired than when she had closed her eyes. Yet those were the best times, for when she dreamed, she dreamed of Father. Waking or sleeping, she saw him, saw the gold cloaks fling him down, saw Ser Ilyn striding forward, unsheathing Ice from the scabbard on his back, saw the moment… the moment when… she had wanted to look away, she had wanted to, her legs had gone out from under her and she had fallen to her knees, yet somehow she could not turn her head, and all the people were screaming and shouting, and her prince had smiled at her, he'd smiled and she'd felt safe, but only for a heartbeat, until he said those words, and her father's legs… that was what she remembered, his legs, the way they'd jerked when Ser Ilyn… when the sword… Sansa VI, AGOT

She even remembers the other parts of the Blackwater scene quite clearly: Sandor threatening to kill her and forcing her to sing.

It’s understandable that UnKiss could seem like a trauma response if it’s taken out of context — the context being the romantic framing of Sandor Clegane in Sansa’s arc. But GRRM has said that UnKiss is going to mean something:

You will see, in A STORM OF SWORDS and later volumes, that Sansa remembers the Hound kissing her the night he came to her bedroom… but if you look at the scene, he never does. That will eventually mean something, but just now it’s a subtle touch, something most of the readers may not even pick up on. GRRM

If all it means is that Sansa remembers the Blackwater as being more romantic than it actually was because she’s traumatized, how would that be significant in terms of plot or character development? It would be a regression for both characters if Sansa encounters Sandor again and realizes that he really is the cruel, scary monster she originally thought he was and that she’s the naive, helpless girl he originally thought she was. They aren’t those people anymore, if they ever were:

My skin has turned to porcelain, to ivory, to steel. Sansa V, ASOS

“The Hound is dead” Brienne VI, AFFC

By the Blackwater, Sansa is already fully disillusioned with knights and songs. It’s not as if she needs to look back on her imprisonment in King’s Landing and realize it wasn’t as romantic as she first thought:

Knights are sworn to defend the weak, protect women, and fight for the right, but none of them did a thing. Only Ser Dontos had tried to help, and he was no longer a knight, no more than the Imp was, nor the Hound… the Hound hated knights… I hate them too, Sansa thought. Sansa III, ACOK

They are children, Sansa thought. They are silly little girls, even Elinor. They’ve never seen a battle, they’ve never seen a man die, they know nothing. Their dreams were full of songs and stories, the way hers had been before Joffrey cut her father’s head off. Sansa pitied them. Sansa envied them. Sansa II, ASOS

Sansa doesn’t romanticize Sandor in King’s Landing. In fact, she does the opposite. She doesn’t pick up on the subtle ways he protects her — like stopping her from killing herself trying to push Joffrey off the battlements or lying for her so Joffrey won’t have her beaten:

Joffrey scowled. He knew she was lying, she could see it. He would make her bleed for this. "The girl speaks truly," the Hound rasped. "What a man sows on his name day, he reaps throughout the year." His voice was flat, as if he did not care a whit whether the king believed him or no. Could it be true? Sansa had not known. It was just something she'd said, desperate to avoid punishment. Sansa I, ACOK

It’s not until after the bread riot when the fact that he’s protecting her becomes glaringly obvious that she realizes she feels safe with him:

I would be gladder if it were the Hound, Sansa thought. Harsh as he was, she did not believe Sandor Clegane would let any harm come to her. Sansa V, ACOK

So what is the significance of UnKiss? Let’s talk about the other men who are romantically linked to Sansa throughout the series and see if we can figure it out.

After Sandor leaves during the Blackwater, Sansa is subjected to a series of relationships against her will. Even before that, she has no choice in her betrothal to Joffrey. The thought of having to have sex with him repulses her so much that she burns her bedclothes after getting her first moonblood, hoping no one will find out that she’s able to bear children. When Joffrey sets her aside to wed Margaery Tyrell instead, she’s relieved.

She rushed back to the bed and stared in horror at the dark red stain and the tale it told. All she could think was that she had to get rid of it, or else they’d see. She couldn’t let them see, or they’d marry her to Joffrey and make her lay with him. Sansa IV, ACOK

“Bless my steel with a kiss.” He extended the blade down to her. “Go on, kiss it.” He had never sounded more like a stupid little boy. Sansa touched her lips to the metal, thinking that she would kiss any number of swords sooner than Joffrey. Sansa V, ACOK

I am free of Joffrey. I will not have to kiss him, nor give him my maidenhood, nor bear him children. Let Margaery Tyrell have all that, poor girl. Sansa VIII, ACOK

She’s then forced to marry Tyrion, but she isn’t attracted to him at all:

“With this kiss I pledge my love,” the dwarf replied hoarsely, “and take you for my lady and wife.” He leaned forward, and their lips touched briefly. He is so ugly, Sansa thought when his face was close to hers. He is even uglier than the Hound. Sansa III, ASOS

He is as frightened as I am, Sansa realized. Perhaps that should have made her feel more kindly toward him, but it did not. All she felt was pity, and pity was death to desire. ... “On my honor as a Lannister,” the Imp said, “I will not touch you until you want me to.” It took all the courage that was in her to look in those mismatched eyes and say, “And if I never want you to, my lord?” Sansa III, ASOS

She escapes from King’s Landing and her marriage to Tyrion only to end up stuck with Littlefinger, whose kisses and attention make her uncomfortable and remind her of the man who attempted to rape her the night of Petyr and Lysa’s wedding:

He sounded almost like Marillion, the night he’d gotten so drunk at the wedding. Only this time Lothor Brune would not appear to save her; Ser Lothor was Petyr’s man. “You shouldn’t kiss me. I might have been your own daughter…” Sansa VII, ASOS

He looked at her with Littlefinger’s eyes. “I’d sooner break my fast with a kiss.” A true daughter would not refuse her sire a kiss, so Alayne went to him and kissed him, a quick dry peck upon the cheek, and just as quickly stepped away. “How… dutiful.” Littlefinger smiled with his mouth, but not his eyes. Alayne I, AFFC

“I did not expect you back so soon,” she said. “I am glad you’ve come.” “I would never have known it from the kiss you gave me.” He pulled her closer, caught her face between his hands, and kissed her on the lips for a long time. “Now that’s the sort of kiss that says welcome home. See that you do better next time.” Alayne II, AFFC

Littlefinger arranges for her to marry Ser Harrold Hardyng, yet another betrothal she has no choice in:

Petyr Baelish took her by the hand and drew her down onto his lap. “I have made a marriage contract for you.” “A marriage…” Her throat tightened. She did not want to wed again, not now, perhaps not ever. Alayne II, AFFC

“And how was your first meeting with Harry the Heir?” “He’s horrible.” Alayne I, TWOW

Sansa is weary of these involuntary attachments. She’s never had any agency in her own romantic life. Joffrey, Tyrion, Petyr, Harry — Sansa didn’t choose any of these men. Moreover, none of them actually want her in the first place. Joffrey thinks she’s stupid and only sees her as a sexual object:

“Your Grace,” he said sharply. “You truly are a stupid girl, aren’t you?” … “I’ll get you with child as soon as you’re able,” Joffrey said as he escorted her across the practice yard. “If the first one is stupid, I’ll chop off your head and find a smarter wife. When do you think you’ll be able to have children?” Sansa VI, AGOT

As they whirled to the music, Joff gave her a moist kiss. “My uncle will bring you to my bed whenever I command it.” Sansa III, ASOS

Tyrion isn’t cruel to her, but he doesn’t love her. For him, the main appeal of marrying Sansa is her claim:

Tyrion Lannister, Lord Protector of Winterfell. The prospect gave him a queer chill. Tyrion III, ASOS

Littlefinger only sees her as another Catelyn for him to finally obtain:

Septa Mordane quickly took a hand. “Sweet child, this is Lord Petyr Baelish, of the king’s small council.” “Your mother was my queen of beauty once,” the man said quietly. His breath smelled of mint. “You have her hair.” His fingers brushed against her cheek as he stroked one auburn lock. Sansa II, AGOT

“You shouldn’t kiss me. I might have been your own daughter…” “Might have been,” he admitted, with a rueful smile. “But you’re not, are you? You are Eddard Stark’s daughter, and Cat’s. But I think you might be even more beautiful than your mother was, when she was your age.” Sansa VII, ASOS

Petyr studied her eyes, as if seeing them for the first time. “You have your mother’s eyes. Honest eyes, and innocent. Blue as a sunlit sea. When you are a little older, many a man will drown in those eyes.” Sansa did not know what to say to that. Sansa I, AFFC

Harry is a notorious womanizer who looks down on her because of the assumed illegitimacy of Alayne Stone:

“Harry the Heir?” Alayne tried to recall what Myranda had told her about him on the mountain. “He was just knighted. And he has a bastard daughter by some common girl.” “And another on the way by a different wench. Harry can be a beguiling one, no doubt.” Alayne II, AFFC

Ser Harrold looked down at her coldly. “Why should it please me to be escorted anywhere by Littlefinger’s bastard?” Alayne I, TWOW

“This betrothal was never his idea, and Bronze Yohn has no doubt warned him against my wiles. You are my daughter. He does not trust you, and he believes that you’re beneath him.” Alayne I, TWOW

None of these men want her for herself. They want her for her claim or her body or both. And being wanted for herself is something Sansa deeply desires, even if she’s given up on ever having it:

Tyrell or Lannister, it makes no matter, it's not me they want, only my claim. Sansa III, ASOS

It is not me she wants her son to marry, it is my claim. No one will ever marry me for love. Sansa VI, ASOS

There’s only one man in Sansa’s storyline who has ever wanted her for who she is — a kind, compassionate person who, like him, values integrity, bravery, honesty, and loyalty. A man who doesn’t care about lands and titles: Sandor Clegane.

Self-empowerment is an important theme in Sansa’s character arc. She’s been forced into relationships with men who don’t actually love her since the beginning of the series. When she’s finally in a position to actually choose a lover or husband, she’ll want someone who wants her for herself. How do we know? UnKiss.

Sansa’s attraction to Sandor is still mostly subconscious, but it surfaces every now and then, usually in the form of UnKiss:

If I close my eyes I can pretend he is the Knight of Flowers. Ser Loras had given Sansa Stark a red rose once, but he had never kissed her… and no Tyrell would ever kiss Alayne Stone. Pretty as she was, she had been born on the wrong side of the blanket. As the boy’s lips touched her own she found herself thinking of another kiss. She could still remember how it felt, when his cruel mouth pressed down on her own. He had come to Sansa in the darkness as green fire filled the sky. He took a song and a kiss, and left me nothing but a bloody cloak. It made no matter. That day was done, and so was Sansa. Alayne II, AFFC

Loras Tyrell never kissed Sansa — but neither did Sandor. This isn’t a PTSD flashback. It’s a fantasy. She plans to imagine Loras when Sweetrobin kisses her, but she ends up picturing Sandor. She still thinks she prefers someone like the Knight of the Flowers, but the man she actually wants is Sandor Clegane.

Sansa obviously isn’t done, so neither is the day Sandor (un)kissed her. What’s even more interesting is that she declares that day done, and then immediately thinks of it again in the very same chapter:

She thought of Tyrion, and of the Hound and how he’d kissed her, and gave a nod. Alayne II, AFFC

She’s trying not to think about Sandor, but she can’t help herself. She thinks about this kiss more than any of the kisses that actually happened. She thinks about it when comparing sexual experiences with other girls her age. She thinks about it when she’s supposed to be fantasizing about Loras Tyrell. She thinks about it when she’s asked if she knows what happens in a marriage bed.

Basically, she’s invented a kiss with a man who wants the real her, not a claim to Winterfell, not her mother, not a sexual object. Sansa isn’t romanticizing the Blackwater out of trauma. She’s romanticizing it because she’s seeing Sandor in an increasingly romantic light.

#sansan saturdays #sansan summer #get her a dog #sansan meta #sansan #asoiaf meta #asoiaf

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

ZKs say the final Agni Kai was a romantic battle couple moment for their ship but forget that Zuko chose Katara only for strategy reasons because water/healing is the best counter against Azula's fire. Also Zuko took that lightning because he got cocky during his fight with Azula and did it to atone for siding with Azula before, who killed Aang right in front of Katara. Katara's and Zuko's victory isn't some romantic fairy tale; it's a family tragedy hence the sad music and Zuko and Katara watching Azula cry at the end. I just hate ppl trivializing the lightning scene as a true love thing Zuko only would do for Katara because that's ooc of Zuko.

Yeah, that one pisses me off because, sure, it's nice that Zuko is willing to give his own life to save his friend and said friend then saves him, but COME ON, the focus is very clearly on Zuko's dynamic with AZULA!

All the tragedy of two kids, two siblings, fighting each other, potentially to death. Azula saying "I'm sorry it has to end this way, brother" after we just saw the start of mental colapse, with her wanting her dad not to shut her out, bitter that her friends no longer want anything to do with her, crying for a mother she is convinced never loved her. Zuko not being able to believe her words are in any way genuine because too much has happened, and Azula herself probably not even realizing some tiny part of her DID mean it.

The inversion of their usual dynamic, with Zuko being the calm, colected one, saving his energy and keeping himself focused, while Azula is being controlled by her emotions and making mistakes she'd never would have otherwise made. Azula knowing just how to catch Zuko off guard after all of this because she can read her brother like a book. The music going NUTS!

Zuko nearly dying at the hand of his own sibling and getting ANOTHER scar from one of his relatives... and then STILL feeling pity for Azula as he sees her finally defeated, something he had always thought he wanted and now that he actually got it, it unsettles him because Azula no longer looks like a dangerous enemy, but like a vulnerable, scared, deeply traumatized girl with no one to turn to. His friend having to comfort him because even after all of that, Azula is still Zuko's little sister, and he doesn't know how to fix things because he's just a kid too and they should have never been dragged into this awful conflict that started almost 80 years before either of them was even born...

ALL of that gets ignored in favor "Oh my god, Zutara moment!" and I fucking hate it. Be happy that they are interacting, but don't pretend this about them and their supposed "romance" and that Zuko wouldn't have taken that lightining for literally everyone else in the Gaang too.

(Can you tell which dynamic I'm actually invested in, will ship until the end of my days, and then continue to ship it in hell? XD )

#anti zutara #zucest

[awoooooooooooooooo]

Basically had a 2-3 day long emotional meltdown because ermm mistakes were made feelings were hurt while navigating a new scary situation with my wife and her new girlfriend 😭 long post talking about that under the read more

We've been poly for 5 out of 7 years of our relationship but this situation hadn't come up yet. Bc my wife has barely dated at all this whole time tbh lol.

But we both stupidly assumed that it would be fine, like we didn't really sit down and talk about feelings or expectations or boundaries before this situation (her gf coming to stay the night at my home while I'm there), bc we're like, we've been poly for a long time, we talked about this stuff years ago. Ive been having casual sex a lot and whatever. So it's all good, like we're all good. Ssssoooooo wrong could not be more wrong. So so so dumb of both of us. Dumb of me to ignore my own feelings and needs, and dumb of my wife to not check in with me about that stuff, and other mistakes she made during this that caused pain for me... (That I forgive her for)

The worst part was how bad it hurt, seeing them together and being affectionate. Like doubled over, clutching my chest, heaving sobbing uncontrollably kind of hurting. The feelings it brought up were so intense and scary. I started to worry that I'm not actually polyamorous, bc it hurt so bad and I was so scared it was never going to stop. But we talked a lot, and I spilled so so much vulnerable shit, stuff that I didn't even realize I was still struggling with, stuff that I was avoiding dealing with or even thinking about. I connected my feelings to traumatic memories with my parents, my past relationships, my old friends, and it started to make sense... It hurt so bad because it felt like all my worst fears were coming true, and all the negative beliefs I held about myself that I was working on in therapy were actually all true, and my wife is going to leave me when she realizes she can do better, and that I'm actually bad and unlovable and broken and just not good enough. WHEW!!!!!!! That's a lot of shit to deal with, hitting me all at once, and because of the circumstances I couldn't talk to my wife about how I was feeling for like... 12 hours. (Although I could have, but I was so scared of intruding on her time with her girlfriend, which actually wouldn't have been a problem, but yet another thing we should have thought to discuss beforehand lol) I think it makes perfect sense why I felt the way I did. I think that my wife and I both made dumb mistakes that led to that hurt and it could have been avoided or mitigated. But in the end the hurting was mostly all about me, and my insecurities and trauma, and a little bit of mistakes my wife made that she recognized and apologized for, and as I work thru that, the feeling of dread about my wife loving someone else is starting to go away. Because I love her very much, and I know she loves me very much, I trust her completely when she tells me that she's committed to me for the rest of our lives. And I know how it feels to love her so so much, and also love another person, and how my feelings for her and other people I care for are totally separate and I never compare her to others or anything like that.

But god I really truly was not prepared for how that felt and how much it hurt. For days. Like I haven't felt like that since my cat died. I think I really was going thru the stages of grief, grieving the loss of having my wife completely to myself, grieving for my younger selves who were hurt so so badly that it still hurts today and I haven't really been there for those parts of me. Clearly. The good thing is that now that I've spilled my heart out to my wife and talked through this stuff and identified where the hurt is coming from, I can go to my therapist and be like. Hey. This dug up a lot of shit that clearly I have been avoiding working on. And she will help me work through it. And then I'll be even healthier, stronger emotionally, and happier. And my wife will be happier too, having her new girlfriend and me both loving her and supporting her, and me working on this stuff can only be good for our relationship..

It was all really scary and painful but now that the pain is subsiding I can see how it's going to be good for us. And I love being polyamorous! Before this happened I genuinely was so happy for my wife! And her gf, because I know my wife is so wonderful and loving and I know she makes her gf really happy like she does for me. It made me think of all the people I see saying that polyamory is like .. fucked up, it can't work in the long run, it's not natural, etc... and I thought about how those people may have felt similar to how I was feeling, that horrible painful feeling of betrayal and fear of losing someone you love. But my trust and love for my wife is so strong, idk... I think so many people are terrified of facing those huge scary feelings and finding that the root of it all is their own insecurities and trauma and stuff. It's easy to be like, you hurt me, I'm blaming you and I won't do this anymore to avoid that hurt feeling again. It's really really hard to look inside yourself and be like, am I actually just not wired for this, or do I just have a lot of shit I need to work through. I definitely believe I'm wired for this... AND I have a LOT of shit that I was avoiding that needs to be dealt with now.

I asked my therapist to meet me sooner and she got me rescheduled asap, she's so awesome and such a great therapist. I'm feeling a lot better now and looking forward to working through all of this. And I just love my wife so so so much. Idk I just typed this all up to kinda sort thru my shit before my appointment LOL and idk maybe if I have other poly followers that can relate it might be helpful or if anyone has kind words or advice I would really appreciate it 🖤 if anyone reads this whole thing lmao

[polyhexian]

In eventually, Camila and Jasper have a decently supportive relationship, right? Like she's a supportive person in general, and he's able to reassure her that Luz is doing amazingly well in the Demon Realm, and sure there's still Jasper's issues but for the most part it's good.

Right, so what if in BvB, Camila and Will are just. Incapable of NOT setting each other into a panic.

Camila: I've been so worried about my daughter being in another world.

Will: Eh, don't worry, she holds her own. Her glyphs are no joke, she set one of my scouts on fire once. And she really packs a punch.

Camila: …wait, HAVE YOU BEEN FIGHTING MY DAUGHTER??

Will: Shit.

And like, Camila can't comfort him much either.

Will: So, as a parent who's been separated from their kid, can you tell me how that made you feel? For science.

Camila: Once I realized Luz was missing, I was prepared to do whatever it took to get her back! Fight the entire demon realm if I had to! Kill whatever monsters might get in my way!

Will: …well I can't say I'll be surprised if Hunter's dad kills me.

Camila: Oh! No! I mean--look, I'm upset at Eda, but I'm not gonna kill her! She's been taking care of my daughter and doing her best to help her grow and protect her and even if I'm upset I'm still grateful to her for that!

Will: *thinking of all the dangerous missions he's brought Hunter along on* Yeah I don't know if he's gonna be.

In bvb they've got a slightly different vibe and it's generally like... I mean. Jasper actually has a fucking adult friend. And hunter is a lot less traumatized than eventually. And also since jasper has actively been trying to kidnap him for three years I think it's a lot easier for hunter to forgive him for anything because like. He was visibly fucking doing his best lol

But in eventually like... Camila is empathetic and kind and like. Jasper is deeply fucking troubled. But I think... Surely she must see herself in him? He loves his son so fucking much but it's... Not enough. Just loving him is not enough. it's the same with luz-- she loves her so much, but Luz cannot be happy with her. She can't be. And it's not Camila's fault and there's probably nothing she could have done about it. Luz found a place she can be happy, and she has never been happy where she was. How much must that hurt? To know no matter how much she loves her, the best thing she can do for her is let her go.

And jasper has let Hunter go. Hunter is happier living with Camila. He loves him enough to be without him even though it's agony. She's literally done the same thing with Luz, and she ALSO hurt her. Not to nearly the extent as Jasper, but-- she tried to change her and I'm sure after Manny died her emotional connection with her became really strained and unhappy. And she knows she hurt Luz and that theres nothing she can do now. She can't fix it or change. And she clearly regrets that so much. Of course she has to sympathize with jasper and his regrets and pain and consequences.

I just... I know she must be in a lot of pain. Luz loves her but she still has to go. She just has to be okay with knowing that ultimately she did fail as a mother, because her goal was to raise a happy child and she didn't. Even if it wasn't her fault, even if she had tried her very best and couldn't do any better, it doesn't matter. That was her goal and she failed to reach it. That must be so painful. And so... Again. He was in such an impossible situation. What could he have done? What should he have done? What would would SHE have done? What must it be like to live with that?

He saved her sons life. Over and over again. He has also at this point has probably saved luz's life too, or at least, has protected her in a way where he might have. I think it's clear that... Jasper is a good person. But also... Something is so wrong with him. A lot is wrong with him. She's a vet. She's seen what a traumatized animal looks like. She's seen a frightened and confused dog who expects to be hit biting hands that try to help it. She has a lot of empathy for what's going on with him. And pity is not the kindest thing to feel for other people but... It's gotta be really hard not to pity him.

So yeah I think she like... Feels a sort of... Protectiveness over him. A little similar to how Gus feels extremely protective of hunter. He is technically her peer, but at the same time he is so much less developed. If you've ever had a friend you really cared about but also seen how fragile they might be and just feel... Like extremely protective of them... I think that's what she feels. He's sort of a friend but also like. Very concerned and protective of this person in her life who is really struggling and doesn't have much of a support structure in his life to help him. You know what? Luz pointed at Hunter and said My Brother Now. Camila has kind of done the same thing with jasper. Only Luz was like This Is My Annoying Older Brother Now. And Camila is like this is my fucked up little brother now and I keep trying to get him to come over and eat a fucking vegetable

[menalez]

i'm sorry if this is going to be long but i'm honestly a bit at my wits ends here. nearly a week ago, i was hit with the strongest realization in my life that i am prob a homosexual who's severely traumatized by everything that's happened to me and hence why it took me a very long time to come to terms with it. i held onto other labels like my life depended on it and although i used the lesbian label before, it was a couple of years ago and it was only for like a month or so before i doubted myself, freaked out, and went with another label. i thought, okay, that's it, i am done with that mess and can just move on with my life. idk what happened recently, but it was a combination of coming across a post by a straight woman who thought she was bi/les before realizing that being online destroyed her brain and made her think she wasn't attracted to men when she clearly was, and how she realized it finally because she noticed only being sexually aroused easily by men's bodies (like when they are topless at the beach or smth), plus a documentary i saw about gay conversion therapy that featured a gay man talking about how he was desperate to be normal and chased after marriage with a woman "with a vengeance" (a thought process i am very familiar with).... there's other things but i don't want this to get too long or triggering for other ppl so i'll stop here. but just like that, it hit me like a heavy truck that i was only into women this entire time and just hated myself so much. didn't helped that many people in my life, including perfect strangers, telling me that they think i'm actually gay. but then i see posts on yr blog about "so called lesbians coming out later in life are actually just bisexual" and now i'm like.... idk what to believe anymore. i wish i can talk about this with other lesbians about this and just let them all determine what i truly am, because the last thing i want to do is come out and then a man comes into my future and ~change everything~ lmao sounds so stupid when i wrote it like that but yeah. i don't want to hurt lesbians with this, but i also don't have to feel like living a lie anymore or keep trying to "heal: myself because anytime i try to do so, even if it's something as simple as looking at pictures or drawings of a p*nis, i feel so disgusted i want to throw up. i know for a fact that there has never been a moment in my life where i felt that real sexual desire over men or male bodies or anything like that, but all of that gets muddied when other factors have been thrown in due to my life events, if that makes sense. like i'm sorry if this sounds horrible but there is a part of me that hopes i am not a homosexual. i love gay men and lesbians just like anyone else, but i just don't want this to be true. i feel like my life has already been hard for other reasons, and putting this on top of everything else will be too much for me to handle and i'll just end up killing myself over it in the end. i want to live and be happy, but i'm just so conflicted over this topic.

just to clarify, i have never argued that the age in which a lesbian comes out means shes actually bisexual or not. i was complaining explicitly about how many bisexual women will use the label lesbian upon realising their same sex attraction later in life, will talk about having been into men etc but will say theyre lesbians *now*. i take issue with these women because i believe there are genuine lesbians who came out later in life being overshadowed by this phenomenon of bi women leaving their ex-husbands and then claiming to be lesbians bc they decided after 2 decades of dating men that they only want to date women (which is fine, but exclusively wanting to date women and exclusively being into women are overlapping yet different things). i think it harms actually "late bloomer lesbians" bc a lot, that ive seen, using that term are indeed bisexual not lesbians.

that said, i can understand your mindset and where you're coming from. but take it from me, rejecting your sexuality and wishing it away and trying to ignore it and trying to change it etc will simply not work. you may ultimately be wrong, sure, and for that reason i encourage you to take your time thinking over your life and analysing your feelings towards men if necessary, and only when you're sure of it declare what your sexuality is. sure, you may end up wrong somehow regardless, there's no guarantee that despite our certainty that we are the sexuality we believe ourselves to be. but if you push yourself into the closet and deny yourself and reject yourself bc of the off-chance that maybe just maybe you're actually bisexual with such a strong preference for women (despite having no history of being into men nor hints of that attraction to them) isn't going to help you either.

your fear does make sense. i went through similar when i was coming to terms with my sexuality and i absolutely did not want to be a lesbian. the thought of it literally put me into such a terrible state of panic, i would've much preferred to just be bi so that i could potentially have a socially acceptable life in my country. but no wishing and rejecting ourselves will change our sexuality, it'll simply make us more traumatised and unhappy. you seem fairly confident in your feelings to me, don't reject yourself with unlikely What Ifs.. as many other bi women said on this topic, there usually ARE signs of OSA throughout their lives, they just explain it away. if u have never & continue not to feel anything sexual towards male bodies, if u have never had a crush on a man including male celebs, etc then i think ur far more likely than not a lesbian. ignoring that will not change ur sexuality, but its up to u how u move forward with that. i can at least tell u that from my experience, accepting myself for who i am has changed my life positively and gave me a will to live that i was lacking in my life prior. its difficult to face discrimination and lesbophobia, but its even more difficult to still face some of that AND on top of it be rejecting urself and hating urself

[imperatorium]

Considering how much peepaw nihil grew to dislike copia, what was his first reaction to sister bringing him to the church claiming him to be her young “protégé”

OKAY WE ARE TRYING THIS AGAIN after tumblr decided to wholeass eat the half-written post I'd crafted last night and be like, "teehee, oops!" about it.

At least it gave me the opportunity to confer with my partner, who really is the Nihil expert, and confirm that, for the most part, what I was going to say was correct.

So! Copia was raised alongside the legitimate Emeritus boys as "an orphan" and, thus, has been not just part of the Church but pretty involved with its inner sanctum since infancy. Sister was responsible for the other boys' upbringing and this gave her the opportunity to keep her baby boy close (closer than you've known) without actually subjecting him to the built-in hardships of being an antipapal heir.

To Nihil, especially while they were children, Copia fell under the same umbrella of skittish disinterest that he also had in One, Two, and Three. He never really Got It, but it didn't bother him. He trusts Sister and if she thinks this extra child is worth the effort - honestly, if she thinks anything, he'll mostly just let her do it. And he'll go back to vibing & keeping it tight while she does the work she wants to do.

I'd guess, too, that there's a part of him who probably thought he understood that Copia was Sister's special project as a coping mechanism for "not" having a child of their own. But it's not something he ever dwelled on because that would require too much concentrated thought on how that (traumatically) came to be the case, how sad he is that it's the case, and the further complication of Sister being someone who clearly does not want to present as maternal but is choosing to be a better parent than any of his boys could ever have hoped for despite having no reason to do so or to be seen as being so.

As a functioning member of the Church as he grew up, there was only so far Copia could get within the ranks - for a while, even Sister felt like maybe the best she really could do for him was keep him close to both her and Nihil as Nihil's assistant. Especially as the Ghost project's second iteration grew, she couldn't always guarantee that she would be available to help the way she would prefer to and Copia had the benefit of by osmosis learning both antipapal responsibilities and Sister's ways, so who better to sub in for her when she had to play momager to the band? Obviously Nihil would have preferred Sister's assistance, but I don't think he and Copia had any issues during this time. I'm sure he found it comforting that he could work with someone who kind of, for the most part, already had an idea of how he functioned and liked things done thanks to Sister's tutelage.

The Problem With Copia didn't actually come to be A Problem until Three lost his position as Papa. To Nihil, Copia very suddenly seemed so obviously a symbol of his own failure, of everything he suffered and worked and tried to be and do for Sister rendered completely pointless. To him, Copia meant that his legacy, the divine burden and honour that Sister trusted him with, was definitively over. An unbroken lineage that could be traced back to Lucifer himself now broken, after all Sister did to prevent that (of course not realizing that it was never about the bloodline to her, it was about him), because of him. Moreover, it was a harsh, devastating reminder that instead of installing some "random" "orphan", this should have been his & Sister's child. Sister is Prime Mover and together they would have made the Antichrist, but (to his knowledge) they never could.

So, that's the trouble. Ironically, Nihil sees Copia as an insult to what he and Sister could have had, should have had, should have done together. And not only is that difficult on its own, it's also A Lot to have to think about. He doesn't want to have to think that hard. The weight of age and trauma and exhaustion is already crushing him. He just wants to smoke weed and write music and kiss Sister and not care about anything else. This severely harshes that buzz.

WORSE, for some reason he extra can't understand, Sister seems okay with all of it. She sees and understands everything, but for some reason does not seem phased by the same concerns he has about what (he thinks) Copia means. And she dotes on him!! That's time and attention Nihil wants, given away to someone who has been allowed to destroy every last thing he and Sister wanted to build.

And despite the fact that I've written two stories where, hey, maybe there's a glimmer of hope and Nihil does figure it out (before Sister musters up the ability to Reveal The Secret), I don't think that's true in proper canon. Neither Copia nor Nihil know and the tragedy is that even at this point, if it came out, the damage is already done.

#asks #ghost

[local-redhead-bookworm]

Honestly?? I'm not even sure what to think after s4 ended. I've been racking my brain to come up with something worth mentioning. I see what you mean, though, about the possibility of Billy still being alive 🤞🏼 Vecna left that statement open-ended. And now I know that the tattoos and merch were much more of a tribute to Eddie 😅 also, I love that Max wrote a letter to Steve. I know he complains all the time about being a babysitter, but he truly means so much to them. It was so sweet. And it pisses me off that Neil's bitch ass got off scot free. I hate that they added "he couldn't stick around after you were gone". Sickening. And like you said, it doesn't sit right with me they didn't add Billy to Max's memories. I am loving the girls showing up and showing out. Nancy and Robin at Pennhurst. Suzie being a genius and getting those coordinates. Everything Erica does. Max stepping forward as a decoy (that may have backfired 🥲 I am upset that we went through Dear Billy just to have ep9 happen). I know that the Nina plot was drawn out, but I think it showed development for El. Being able to separate herself from others, to choose her own path. I also loved that she stood up to Angela. As for the last 2 episodes, they were very distressing. I hated that Vecna used the sauna test to torment her, but as someone pointed out earlier, it was a moment the mindflayer had taken over. Both times Billy appeared to her, it was flayed Billy. She was never actually scared of him. I am distraught over Max's plot after this. I am curious about the Vecna and Will connection. But other than that, I'm left kind of stumped. I'd love to hear your thoughts on anything, though

🌸 anon

You and I have a lot of similar thoughts on s4, anon. I haven’t been able to bring myself to rewatch it because of how emotionally distraught it made me, and I don’t have time for another breakdown.

I genuinely despise that the only solution the writers could come up with is “oh Neil couldn’t bear to be around here any longer without you.” In my opinion, it would have made far more sense if his anger had turned on Susan and Max, then Susan had put her foot down and left him.

I wish that more had been done with the girls, honestly. I liked what bits we did get, and Robin’s improv speech at Pennhurst made my theater kid heart so proud. I have some personal nitpicks with Nancy’s treatment of Robin though, don’t love that from her. And as much as I loved Susie, I feel like she’s always just kind of…there? She only shows up twice to deliver information so she feels a lot like a plot device to me. Erica is an absolute sass-master, and episode 9 had me super worried for both her and Lucas.

The Nina Project…had its good elements and bad elements. You’re right, it did develop El and it showed her standing up to Brenner, but it was also clearly insanely triggering for her. Her expression when she wakes up and realizes they’ve buzzed her head again absolutely gutted me. I would have preferred it if Owens had been the only one in charge and if El had had more of a choice. The fact that she was essentially forced to relive a traumatic part of her life didn’t sit right with me, it would have felt more powerful if she’d chosen to confront those memories herself. And I’m glad that she never forgave Brenner, he doesn’t deserve her forgiveness.

I’m so glad she stood up to Angela too. I know violence isn’t the answer and all that, and it was a bit severe, but it certainly felt satisfying seeing Angela get whacked in the face for repeatedly humiliating and picking on El.

I do wonder what the show plans to do with Will’s connection to Vecna, especially since he’s now the only one of his victims to survive. I know they’re going to bring Max back next season, you can tell, but the fact that episode 9 is left as her final opinion on Billy and that she never brings up that she cared and that she realizes now why he was the way he was, it feels like a complete 180 on her character.

Eddie’s pointless death and the absolute butchering of Max’s character made me lose hope in the writing of the show. And don’t even get me started on the wasted potential of the Russia arc! I spent so much of the time before s4 thinking up theories, and I’ve read other folks’ theories and fics that are 100 times better than what actually happened. S4 had some good bits, but I was just so frustrated with it. Obviously if you enjoyed it I’m completely fine with that, I’m just annoyed by the wasted potential.

#answering asks #🌸 anon

[thepjoarchivist]

My Mother Teaches Me Bullfighting

This chapter starts off in a bad storm with Grover, Percy, and Sally in the Camaro. Percy says that he can’t see where they’re going but Sally can. She really is an interesting character and I’m not yet convinced that there isn’t something mythical going on with her. 

Percy is using the lightning to steal looks at Grover, who was revealed to be a satyr in the last chapter. Percy once again wonders if he’s insane. Percy reassures himself that Grover really is a mythical creature because Grover smells like wet wool and barnyard animals, which is a scent Percy remembers from the petting zoo when he was younger. Scents and smells seem to be a really big deal for Percy. He reacts very negatively to Gabe’s scent but finds Sally’s scent to be made of all “the best things in the world: chocolate, licorice, and all the other stuff she sold at the candy shop.” If I remember correctly, there was a part in chapter one about how Mrs. Dodds smelled too. It’s cool that RR uses scent so much in his writing. 

Percy wonders if Grover and Sally know each other and Grover’s answer doesn’t really satisfy me. 

“Not exactly,” he said. “I mean, we’ve never met in person. But she knew I was watching you. Keeping tabs on you. Making sure you were okay. But I wasn’t faking being your friend,” he added hastily. “I am your friend.”

Some things stand out. First, Grover doesn’t say no to this question, and specifies that they haven’t met in person. Sally is also aware that someone is watching Percy, keeping tabs on him. Since this is a story about gods, I’m not surprised at all that someone is spying. 

What I would like to know is what Grover’s standard is for ‘okay’. Because Percy clearly isn’t okay. His home life isn’t okay, his school life isn’t okay, his social life isn’t okay. Grover already said that Percy is his mission, and he’s willing to gaslight Percy over a period of months, so I don’t believe that he is Percy’s friend. 

Percy changes the subject to Grover’s species and Grover tells him it doesn’t matter. Excuse me? What are you hiding from him?! Percy, he is not your friend. This liar doesn’t deserve to be your best friend. 

In this scene, Grover makes a noise that Percy always thought was a nervous laugh but turns out to be an irritated bleat. Now I wonder how often and what the context for this is. How many times was it directed at Percy? 

Percy’s only context for satyrs is learning about them from Mr. Brunner in class like they’re myths. Grover comes out and admits that the Fates and Mrs. Dodds were real, “of course”, and this just grinds my gears. Because Grover has been lying to Percy about both himself and traumatic events that happened to Percy, but now he’s treating Percy like he’s stupid. 

“Of course.” 

My goodness. 

“The less you knew, the fewer monsters you’d attract,” Grover said, like that should be perfectly obvious. “We put Mist over the human’s eyes. We hoped you’d think the Kindly One was a hallucination. But it was no good. You started to realize who you are.” 

Not only is Grover still talking to Percy like he’s stupid, he’s also wrong. There was the snake and the cyclops, Mrs. Dodds the Fury, and ‘other weird, creepy stuff’ that were all attracted to Percy when he ‘knew nothing’ and it’s not like Percy suddenly knows himself. Percy Jackson does not ‘know who he is.’ I don’t live in a box, so I know this story is about demigods, but Percy is not anywhere near close to coming to this conclusion. He knows nothing, to the point that his brain actively tries to forget all of the unsettling things that happen to him. If knowledge attracts monsters, then I just don’t know how he could attract any monsters when he simply doesn’t know anything. 

Percy asks who he is but no one tells him. I am noticing a theme here. Grover is more than happy to tell Percy that they’re being chased by “the Lord of the Dead and a few of his blood-thirstiest minions.” 

How does Sally know Grover’s name?! 

Percy is mentally reeling. He knows he isn’t dreaming and he thinks he isn’t creative enough to come up with this on his own. I think he could if he took shrooms. 

Percy wants to know where they’re going and why but Sally begs him not to question it. 

“Those weren’t old ladies,” Grover said. “Those were the Fates. Do you know what it means - the fact they appeared in front of you? They only do that when you’re about to…when someone’s about to die.” 

When Percy points out Grover said he [Percy] was going to die, Grover lies again and gaslights Percy about it. This is not best friend behavior. 

Sally is really going through it. I imagine it’s difficult to listen to your son talk about dying while you’re driving him somewhere you might never see him again, to escape a monster trying to kill him. 

She pulled the wheel hard to the right, and I got a glimpse of a figure she’d swerved to avoid - a dark fluttering shape now lost behind us in the storm. 

Grover and Sally ignore Percy asking what that was but I want to know too. Could it be another Fury? 

Sally is now praying to get to the camp on time. It’s making Percy even more antsy to get there. Percy is full of adrenaline making his limbs numb while he thinks of Mrs. Dodds and how she really wanted to kill him. He calls this delayed shock but he’s been having nightmares because of it, so I think this is actually a panic attack. That’s number two, so far, I think. 

The car exploded! No, it was struck by lightning and they crashed. 

Has anyone seen that PSA about wearing your seatbelt, where the person in the back seat of the car doesn’t wear their seatbelt and they crack open the  back of the passenger’s head with their forehead? It’s graphic so beware if you go searching for it (on youtube) but this scene where Percy peels his forehead off the driver’s seat headrest made me think of it. Thankfully, Sally seems to be just fine. 

Percy just described Grover as a “big motionless lump” and I wonder if taking off his human disguise made Grover less scrawny. Percy is worried Grover is dead and Grover only cares about food. I  guess that was a goats always eat joke but in the midst of a panic attack and a car accident, it falls very flat. 

A figure approaches! Percy’s skin is  crawling! A huge furry man with horns? That must be the Minotaur! Or Pan, but the chapter title leads me to believe it’s the Minotaur. Now all of the ominous distant bellowing makes sense. 

It’s so funny to me that Percy is looking at the broken roof as a second escape route rather than the passenger side door. 

Sally tells Percy to run to a pine tree on the crest of a hill because it’s the property line of the camp. But how does she know that? Has she been there before? She must have been if she’s picking one tree out of the whole forest. Sally’s eyes are sad when she looks at the ocean. Aw. 

Percy looks into his mom’s eyes and sees that she isn’t planning to come with him. Is she going to sacrifice herself? I will not be pleased if the mother is fridged. 

Grover, shut up. 

“He doesn’t want us,” my mother told me. “He wants you. Besides, I can’t cross the property line.” 

Why can’t she cross the property line? Am I wrong about her being part of the mythical world? Or maybe adults just aren’t allowed to cross? It would explain why Grover is only twelve and they couldn’t be bothered to send an adult to keep an eye on Percy. 

Percy gets mad about the whole situation and I feel like he doesn’t know that he’s allowed to be mad on his own behalf. So far, Percy has been angry about how Grover and Sally are treated, but he hasn’t been angry about how he’s been treated. Even now, Percy’s anger is because he doesn’t want his mom and Grover to be hurt. 

One minute Grover is scrawny, the next he’s a big lump, now he’s surprisingly light. 

Percy, what are you doing reading Muscle Man magazine you naughty boy? The Minotaur is wearing white underwear in the rain and Percy takes the time to not only mention how bright white they are, but what brand they are? Spending a lot of time looking at the Minotaur’s junk, Percy. 

Oh the Minotaur has a nose ring. Sexy. I love that this monster is just a bunch of ‘ceps’ and fur. 

It hurts that Percy still thinks this is a hallucination. He’s in denial about this being reality. Sally knows about the Minotaur but she calls him Pasiphae’s son and won’t let Percy say his name either. My problem with this is that the Minotaur’s name is actually Asterion. Minotaur is his species. If saying the species name aloud summons them or whatever, then are there a bunch of satyrs hiding in the bushes? 

“Don’t say his name,” she warned. “Names have power.” 

The Minotaur is looking for them by the car. I think the use of the word nuzzling is an interesting choice that RR made when he describes how the Minotaur is searching for them. Imagine Percy in the car and the Minotaur just nuzzles him. What do you even do? 

HA! I knew the Camaro wasn’t going to make it to the end of the book. The gas tank exploded? Wow. That’s pretty intense. 

Sally gives her son the instructions for bullfighting. Roll credits, the chapter is over. Nice reading with you everyone. 

Just kidding. 

I wonder if she studied how to defeat the Minotaur specifically or just bulls. Because the Minotaur has been alive for thousands of years, and has been under attack for a lot of that time. He’s also half human, which means he’s got at least some intelligence in that brain of his. I’m not sure that this is going to work.

Sally has apparently been worried about the Minotaur attacking them for a long time. She says she should have expected this and that she was selfish for keeping Percy near her. 

Percy disagrees that Sally kept him near her and I’ve got to agree with Percy here. 

The ground is steeper and slicker, and Grover is pretty heavy, but Percy is only worried about how tired his mom must be getting. He’s such a sweet boy. 

Percy and Sally split up, with Sally taking Grover. The Minotaur chases after Percy because Sally was right when she said he was only interested in Percy. Percy is so scared but he makes himself stand his ground. The trick that Sally taught him worked but now the Minotaur is going after Sally and Grover. 

Apparently, Sally was wrong. Sally is going away from the camp, trying to lead the Minotaur away from Grover, and he’s following her. Just like he was following Percy. This leads me to believe that there’s more to Sally than meets the eye. The evidence is stacking up. Interesting that when Sally tries to do the same trick, it doesn’t work. I’m not sure why it worked for Percy because the Minotaur is so old. Unless Percy wasn’t his target. 

Percy sees the Minotaur catch his mom. That must be terrifying. The Minotaur holds Sally up by the neck. Sally is kicking and hitting the Minotaur, trying to get away. Oh. Sally turned into a shimmering golden light. I KNEW SHE WAS MAGIC! Where did she go? 

Percy’s mad about it though. 

Anger replaced my fear. Newfound strength burned in my limbs – the same rush of energy I’d gotten when Mrs. Dodds grew talons. 

That is not what happened when Mrs. Dodds grew talons. As a reminder, this is what Percy felt when Mrs. Dodds grew talons: 

With a yelp, I dodged and felt talons slash the air next to my ear. 

My knees were jelly. My hands were shaking so bad I almost dropped the sword.

Absolute terror ran through my body. I did the only thing that came naturally: I swung the sword.

What Percy is experiencing right now is an adrenaline rush. The Minotaur goes from Sally to Grover and is about to kill him. 

Percy strips off his red rain jacket - that is such a cute detail - and uses it to distract the Minotaur. He calls it ‘stupid’ and ‘ground beef’. He’s so cute. Those are such little kid insults. His plan is to have the Minotaur run into the pine tree and get caught there, so Percy could grab Grover and run. 

But it doesn’t happen like that! 

The Minotaur is too fast and…time slows down. Literally or figuratively? 

Percy does a cool trick that involves jumping on the Minotaur’s face and spinning in the air and then landing on his neck. That must be one thick neck. I love that Percy has no idea how he did that. Oh crap the Minotaur hits the pine tree anyway and nearly knocks Percy’s teeth out. Percy is riding on the Minotaur’s back, thinking about the various ways that the Minotaur can hurt or kill him. 

Grover will not shut up about food. 

Before the Minotaur can attack Grover, Percy rips a horn off of the Minotaur. Bull horns have blood in them and can bleed a lot when broken but there appears to be no blood. Percy is thrown off and lands flat on his back. He hits his head on a rock. Ouch. Poor boy. His vision is blurry when he sits up. Well, no wonder. 

When the Minotaur attacks him again, Percy rolls to the side and stabs the Minotaur in the side with his own horn, angling upward under the ribcage. The Minotaur crumbles into sand and is blown away in the wind. I thought it was raining. Shouldn’t it be like clumps of mud? 

I smelled like livestock and my knees were shaking. My head felt like it was splitting open. I was weak and scared and trembling with grief. I’d just seen my mother vanish. I wanted to lie down and cry, but there was Grover, needing my help, so I managed to haul him up and stagger down into the valley, toward the lights of the farmhouse. I was crying, calling for my mother, but I held onto Grover - I wasn’t going to let him go. 

Oh, poor Percy. The one semi-good person in his world is gone. Now he’s stuck with Grover the Liar. No wonder he wants to just curl up and cry. I can’t imagine the heartbreak. My heart hurts so much for him. 

I can’t believe Percy carried Grover half a mile up a hill and into a valley, all the way to the farmhouse. He’s very strong. I’m very impressed. 

A familiar-looking bearded man? Is that Mr. Brunner? The man with the beard? The gaslighter who abandoned Percy to the Fury? I was wondering who the we was that Grover was talking about. 

There’s also a pretty girl with blonde princess curls. Who thinks that Percy is some kind of chosen one. 

“Silence, Annabeth,” the man said. “He’s still conscious. Bring him inside.” 

Oh, this is definitely Mr. Brunner. 

Well, that’s all for chapter four. Thanks for reading with me. 

#pjo #the lightning thief #percy jackson #pjo series #percy jackon and the olympians #riordanverse

[cor-ardens-archive]

(Mari, I’m not coming at you) I thought people were mad because the author said she didn’t “believe” in therapy, not because she refused to have one. Also when she admitted that she never did any research for the main character is honestly what did it to me. I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with the therapy debacle, it’s obviously personal

not believing in therapy is entirely valid though... like, i personally do believe in therapy very much, but i've also had a lot of bad experience with it and understand why someone might not believe in it. i also have a lot of personal experience that would validate some suspicion of psychiatric/mental health care as a whole.

but in any case, that's not exactly accurate to what she said...

I talked to my closest friend about this. He suggested I see a therapist. But I couldn’t — and I can’t. I have never been to therapy, and over the years, it has changed from something bewitching — as it still is for my father, as it once was for me — into something sinister, a form of mind control, a violation of the self, like scooping out your brain and placing it into someone else’s cupped palms to prod at. As I’ve grown older, I’ve often wished I’d let that early attraction to therapy become something else: a trust in it, perhaps. But the fear of loss of control is greater than the hope for comfort.

So what do you do, when you realize you’ve created a life in which you’re unable to let yourself be observed, and yet, equally, yearn to be seen? You do only what you can do, which is to keep watching others. You hope that one day, you’ll learn how to guide yourself back into the forest once more. And in the meantime, you will have sacrificed nothing. Who you are: your secrets, your miseries, your fears, will always be — agonizingly, sometimes — your own.

(x)

this is clearly a personal statement about her own relationship with the idea of therapy. there's nothing wrong with expressing her feelings and experiences.

and what do you mean she never did any research for her character? why does that matter? here's what she said:

Did you do any research to build this character? Was it difficult to write this material?

HY: No, I didn’t do any research; Jude came to me fully formed, and writing his sections were always the easiest. He’s a very consistent character — or is meant to be — which is, arguably, part of what dooms him.

(x)

jude is a fictional character, not based on any real people. why should she have to do research? she didn't say if she didn't do any research on mental illness, trauma, physical disability, pain, medical care, psychiatric care, pain medication, traumatic memories... she said she didn't do research for jude, the character. this sounds like more nitpicking to demonize someone just because she wrote a book you may not like, with all due respect.

[ificouldhelpyouforget]

My Light in a Dark Place – Fifteen (Tamaki Amajiki x OFC)

MASTERLIST | MLDP MASTERLIST

A/N: It's hard getting the motivation to edit these chapters, but I'll keep trying when I can. Thank you all for your patience. I hope, despite the seriousness of the content currently, that you're enjoying the story. Thank you for reading.

Chapter warnings: talk about what happened to Yuki (although vague in comparison to last part)

Words: 1.8k (sorry it's so short)

If you want to be tagged for future parts, let me know!

As promised, Kirishima showed up before they released Yuki, fewer tears settling in his eyes. Both he and Tamaki helped gather the few things she had and walked her out, Tamaki’s hero cloak wrapped around her. It made her feel safe and jogged the faint memory of Tamaki taking her to the hospital.

At home, Yuki lies in bed struggling to fall asleep. Each time she closes her eyes, the black rose appears in her thoughts and cuts her finger again. And because she doesn’t actually remember what he did to her, she assumes the pain from the thorn is actually the pain from Seto. She shivers.

Neither Kirishima nor Tamaki have come in to go to sleep and it’s nearing 3 a.m. Concern for her friends’ well-being overpowers her uneasiness and Yuki slips out of bed to see what’s wrong.

The two men talk in hushed voices on her couch, neither of them sounding like themselves. Kirishima’s voice is thick with emotion while Tamaki stares down at his hands, a few tears dripping off his cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, peeking out of her bedroom.

Both men look at Yuki with similar distraught stares before they each alter their faces with gentle smiles.

“We’re… talking,” Tamaki says.

“Debriefing about tonight,” Kirishima adds. “We’re okay. Tonight was a lot for everyone.

Yuki settles between the heroes, looking at Kirishima. “Can you tell me what happened to me? I can’t sleep wondering what happened.”

Kirishima chokes on nothing. “Everyone’s told you. W-Why would you want me to tell you more?”

“Because I want to know.”

“I don’t know if I can, Yuki…”

“Can you try? I just want to understand… Please.”

He takes her hand. “It won’t be easy to hear.”

“I know.” It isn’t easy being mostly in the dark, either.

Kirishima and Tamaki look at each other. Kirishima looks back at her seriously.

“If you can’t hear anymore, then tell me to stop, okay?”

She nods.

So, Kirishima tells her how he ran inside for more civilians when he heard a scream—one he realized came from Yuki. He didn’t see her Quirk flash, but he called out and ran toward her scream. That’s when he found her lying on the floor with Seto leaning over her.

“It was dark. I couldn’t see anything clearly, but… but I knew what he was doing to you.” Kirishima takes a shaky breath. “The sounds I heard from him, from you… I had him off of you and half unconscious before Tamaki found us.”

“I barely remember Tama speaking to me.”

“You don’t remember what happened before that? You screamed.”

She shakes her head. “I remember falling to the floor because I couldn’t see even though I was using my Quirk. I guess hepushed my face into the floor and… and I felt a hand grab me. That’s when I tried to get away and I screamed. All I remember after that and before Tama spoke to me is flowers.”

“Maybe it’s best that you don’t have any memory of it…”

“The things the Quirk user made me see altered when… when Seto… I guess when he…”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say it.”

Yuki sighs and pulls her feet under her. The dull ache is still there between her legs, and it brings tears to her eyes. “Am I broken now? Ruined for good?”

“No! Never, Yuki.” Kirishima brushes her hair away from her face. “You went through something horrible and traumatic, but that doesn’t make you any less of who you are.”

With slow movements, Yuki looks at Tamaki as tears threaten to pour from her eyes. “Do you still… like me?”

At first Tamaki thinks she means in the sense of what they have been for a few months. But it dawns on him she means something completely different. “Yes. I… I do.”

Oh, thank God. Fat tears roll down her face and Yuki all but falls into his lap, where she sobs. Kirishima rubs her back while Tamaki cradles her head against him, both letting their own tears fall.

“You’re still you, you know,” Kirishima says. “There’s nothing that can change that, Yuki. It will take time to feel normal again, but you’re still you.”

She nods against Tamaki’s abdomen, almost hyperventilating to try and catch her breath. Her fingers clutch onto Tamaki’s arm as he brushes her hair away from her face and around her ear repeatedly.

Tamaki looks at Kirishima and mouths to get her comforter from her room. The redhead nods and rushes to do just that. Kirishima yanks it off her bed with a swift pull and jogs it over.

Yuki’s weeping falters when she feels the warm weight of the cover draped over her. 

“I’m gonna tuck it around you, okay? It’s just me,” Kirishima says, waiting for her nod before shoving the cover in the spaces around her. “I hope this helps a little.”

She squeaks a thank you as she hides under the bulky comforter. Her watery lavender eyes meet the gentle and sad gaze from Tamaki. Although she’s distraught and hurt by the entire situation, Yuki finds herself embarrassed to be breaking apart in the lap of the man she has feelings for. It gets to her so much that she pulls the cover up to her nose, shifts her gaze, and turns bright red under his stare. Much to her relief, Tamaki doesn’t comment on it. He calmly helps tuck the blanket around her shoulders before resting his arm over her body, making her feel secure.

“Do you want to sleep out here, Yuki?” Kirishima asks after he sits back down by her feet.

Yuki shrugs. I never want to leave here… I feel… protected with both of you here.

Tamaki looks over at his friend. “I don’t think she… cares where she ends up falling asleep. As long as w-we’re here.”

She nods, so he smiles. Thank you, Tama.

“All right. Well, wherever you decide to crash, me and Tamaki will be here. You have nothing to worry about. We won’t leave you.”

“Thank you,” she mutters, blinking slowly.

It’s enough to ease Yuki into an uncomfortable sleep after a few episodes of a science fiction drama the boys turn on. Thankfully, her mind is too exhausted and stressed to give her any dreams or nightmares.

–

Kirishima walks out of Yuki’s room after using the bathroom and smiles at Tamaki studying her relaxed face that is partially hidden against his shirt. The shy hero uses a single finger to carefully brush away a stubborn lock of her hair away from her face.

“Have you made it official yet?”

Tamaki tries not to jump too much. “Made what… official?”

“You and Yuki. You confessed and you went out on a date. That’s usually when couples announce they’re together.”

“No… we aren’t official… I can’t ask her to be with me after… after all this. What if she’s… a-afraid?”

The redhead sits back down, placing Yuki’s feet in his lap after moving them out of his way. She snuggles more into Tamaki’s stomach with a sigh. 

“I get that. She’s not afraid of you or me, so I hope that means she’ll be okay. Just don’t wait too long to make it official, okay? I’m afraid this might screw up her head and she might hurt herself. You’re a rock for her, someone solid she can rely on.” Kirishima chuckles at himself. “And I’m the one with the hardening Quirk… but you keep her more grounded. She’s going to need you more than ever now. But don’t force it. God, that’d be a horrible idea. Be her common sense when her head gets too overwhelming or too unpredictable for her. It’s going to be hard when they ask her to come in for the trial.”

“But she’ll be with other women who… who were hurt by him, right?”

“Yeah, but she’ll need us, she’ll need you, more than anything.” Kirishima yawns and stretches his arms over his head. “Give Yuki a little bit of time before asking about being her boyfriend. Today will always affect her, but she likes you just as much as before. I mean, she did ask you if you still like her, so that says something.”

Tamaki nods, his face warm at the thought of calling Yuki his girlfriend.

“Never thought you’d be in a relationship with a woman so strong and beautiful, huh?”

“N-No… She’s not the kind of woman who… who would go for a guy like me. But she likes me anyway.”

“I think you’re the perfect guy for someone like her. Any girl who turned you down because of your anxiety is their loss. You’re a great guy and Yuki’s known that since she knew your name.”

“Why… Why didn’t you ever date her?”

Kirishima shrugged. “When Uraraka first introduced us to each other, we went out on a date once. It was lust driven though. We almost slept together—as I’ve mentioned before—but neither of us felt being together like that was our thing. So, we became really good friends.”

“It wasn’t… weird?”

“After all that, yeah, it was a bit strange, but we got over it pretty fast when we made jokes about it. Obviously, we don’t do any of that now, but we carry on with friendly kisses around the face that I know you’ve seen plenty of times.” A sly grin appears on Kirishima’s face. “I’ve noticed she kisses your cheek a lot more than she’s ever kissed mine. That should bring your confidence up some. Yuki is smitten with you.”

The television chatters on and more of Tamaki’s fingers brush away Yuki’s hair from her face thoughtlessly, naturally. Tamaki can’t help gazing down at her, noting the shine of a tear trying to make its way out of her closed eyes. He wipes it away.

“Man… I don’t know if I can sleep tonight…” Kirishima mutters, clenching his eyes shut to erase the images of Yuki under Seto. “I can’t get it out of my head.”

“Maybe visiting our agency’s therapist is a good idea.”

“Yeah. You’re probably right. We should help find Yuki someone to talk to even though she doesn’t have any real memory of it. I can’t imagine what that’s like… Knowing someone has hurt you without remembering it. But maybe that’s better than reliving the moment over and over again.”

“She should talk to someone,” Tamaki agrees. “We can… We can help her figure out who tomorrow. She needs rest right now.”

“You think Nejire and Mirio would be willing to help run her shop?”

“Yeah. Eri, too. She talks about Yuki’s flowers every time she visits.”

“Good. That’ll leave her plenty of time to get better mentally, or at least get to a healthier state of mind.”

Tamaki nods and lets his head fall back on the couch. “We should try to sleep, too.” Even he doesn’t think it’s possible and he ran in when it was all pretty much over.

“Yeah. I might just stay here and catch a nap or something tomorrow. I don’t want to move her in case she wakes up.”

“Me either. I’m sure she won’t mind…” He looks at Kirishima. “Sleep… as well as you can.”

“You, too. Night, Tamaki.”

The hero nods again, letting his eyes close. He focuses on Yuki’s breath against his shirt and her soft hair between his fingers, eventually falling into his dreams where Yuki’s smiling with flowers in her light hair, her hand clasped tightly in his as they run away from any hurt and fears that once ensnared them.

#tamaki amajiki #Tamaki Amajiki x ofc #original female character #ofc #original character #oc #original male character #omc #mha #my hero academia #mha fanfiction #boku no hero academia #bnha #boku no hero academia fanfiction #bnha fanfiction #angst #fluff #mature #tamaki amajiki fanfiction #my hero academia fanfiction #eventual smut

[elfgrove]

So I've been audio-booking my way through the Trials of Apollo novels, and I just got to the bit in the Burning Maze novel I knew was gonna piss me off.

Yep. It pissed me off.

And the narrative voice the Trials of Apollo are written in works really well. The sniveling self-centered god who is protected by the narrative the same way Percy was through all the prior books fits. And he very much is protected by the narrative, so it takes out some of the tension because like Percy, RR isn't really going to let anything permanent happen to him. The audience knows that, and that's fine for a YA book to do.

Here's the thing.

How RR handled the Solace/Di Angelo get together made no sense. It was poorly written. You don't put a character through the absolute abusive/neglected hell he did for Nico then pair him up romantically with a character he has had zero interaction with beyond that character telling him he was exaggerating all his troubles and just being "emo" about it unless you plan to make that story arc about bad relationships where one partner constantly belittles the experiences of the other or it's gonna be about the dismissive partner learning to listen and be empathetic to lived experiences outside their own. Reading Trials of Apollo, Nico is basically a fresh slate acting as a brand new teen character as if his past experiences hadn't happened or having a boyfriend really did magically fix him into a standard goth teen. It's NOT good.

RR never handled the entire wind wipe, fake memories, and charm speak mind-controlling that littered Piper and Jason's relationship. And I like both of those characters.

You take an insecure, hormonal teen girl, put her in the middle of traumatic events, mess with her brain, give her magic mind control powers and no training about ethical use of said powers, of course she's gonna misuse them to try to ease her circumstances. It doesn't make it right, but it's understandable character behavior. What isn't right is no one ever calls her out about using mind control on her kidnapped amnesiac boyfriend or using it in situations where it's not needed just to get her way. She never develops a moral code about when it is or not okay to mind control people. In Trials of Apollo she regularly uses the mind control to steal cars from her neighbor because they don't like each other and gets the car in regular legal trouble. They're both rich assholes. She minds controls people over minor shit because she can. I am glad once Trials hit that she and Jason broke up. That it's because she realized she doesn't know who she is outside the emergency and the influence of the gods? Good. That the relationship was founded on mind manipulation could have stood to be a bigger factor, but that would require Piper an RR to examine how she uses her power too, something he's clearly not about to do.

The novels never really work through the fake memories & fake relationship part of the equation.

So you have Jason Grace who has almost as traumatic a story as Nico, but in different ways. The boy deserves some respite and a happy ending or at least a future. He got the romantic mind control form multiple sides. That's never worked through. He was kidnapped form the only home he recalled and his memories wiped. His ties to New Rome were never really properly addressed/explored. We got some tell rather than show that he felt torn between camps and chose to belong to both. We don't get his perspective on the break up with Piper or the manipulative mess that romance was. It's just Jason is (comparatively) well adjusted and does what the narrative needs the doll to do.

So in this book about Apollo, RR brings in Jason for a single book cameo, focuses entirely on Piper's side of the narrative equation, then kills Jason off dramatically. No narrative closure for him. He's killed to further Apollo's story and to traumatize Piper. It's shitty to put the character through all he's ben through and kill him off to protect a character with narrative immunity. And to follow up that death with lines about oh yes death is often unreasonable and good people die unjustly while bad people live does not sit right when you have Apollo and Percy Jackson who are never at risk of death despite having been in numerous situations that should have killed them. You don't get to play the oh no death is often unfair and not a good/reasonable story when you have 10+ books of Percy Jackson the narratively immune to all fucking consequences.

UGH. I fucking hate how RR treats characters that by all rights should have more nuanced stories or the same narrative immunity his other leads get.

#RANT #elfgrove reads percy jackson #elf sideeyes Percy the blog #elf sideeyes RR the blog #elfgrove reads trials of apollo #spoilers