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angelyuji · 3 months

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yandere bruce wayne headcanons

yandere bruce wayne x gn!reader

warnings: yandere behavior, gross guy bruce wayne, kidnapping, stalking, power imbalance, rich guy uses his rich guy money to manipulate reader, creepy guy being a creepy guy lol (lmk for anything i might've missed i am half-asleep)

im thinking ill write some actual fanfics for him soon, idk what TO write tho...

STALKKKERRRR STALEKER SJALKER STALKER!!!

he is a creature of the night so u KNOW he’s watching you from a rooftop next to ur apartment

think of the scene in the batman when he’s watching Selina undress and stuff yeah hes a peeper (hes so fine i love bruce)

my man doesn’t have any superpowers BUT hes literally the freaking batman, he has cameras all over gotham so i promise he has eyes on you at all times

he’ll watch over you and make sure ur not gonna get mugged by some loser with a gun or get caught up in a joker/ivy/freeze/whomever scheme

like hes stalking you

he knows everything abt u too with WE and the Batcomputer (lol) he’ll have all ur personal info on file, ur twitter acc, your Instagram, any social media, literally everything on a separate file that is locked behind multiple passwords and eye scans (especially if we’re looking at bruce with kids like he knows they’d open the file and snoop)

if we’re looking at pattinson!batman/early years, he’s probably gonna write abt u in his diary journal (hes just a silly little guy)

he’ll try to give you a job at wayne enterprises to keep an eye on you as bruce (obvi becuz he cant be batman 24/7) (job depends on your experience and degree) (he’ll want u as a personal assistant or something but depending on your area of expertise… you’re probably not gonna accept lol)

if u do accept for a position as assistant/secretary, he’ll have your desk 3 ft away, he’ll be calling u into his office just to talk, basically like sort of training u to be his wife (get coffee, make lunch/get lunch, invite u to be his plus one for galas) all that jazz, he’ll flirt with u but ur gonna be like “oh that’s just brucie wayne being brucie wayne, but once u get comfortable in ur role, he’ll start making moves like hand on the lower back, pressing against u in any situation possible, he’ll never seem creepy (yet) but it’ll make u slightly uncomfortable considering he’s ur boss.

i can think of 2 possibilities that could occur

1. creepiest boss ever. he’ll order u how to dress to be his assistant/how to dress at galas (skimpy dresses, short skirts, tight pants, tight fitting dress shirts that exposes everything, shit like that), he’ll LEER at u like bruce will purposely drop stuff and make u pick it up so he can watch u bend over. like the worst. you’ll get tired of this behavior and quit and bruce will get angry and kidnap u

2. still creepy but not as bad. more like extravagant gifts, vacations, parties. he’ll still flirt and try to have as much physical contact with u as possible but he knows where to draw the line. you wouldn’t quit cuz yk great pay, okay boss. but like his feelings would get too much to contain and he’ll kidnap u in the end anyway

if i had to diagnose the batmans i care abt id sayyyy 1 is Affleck, 2 is bale, and Pattinson is a mix of both. comic batman has so many different writers and each run has a different personality for him saur depends on the writer lmao

u wouldn’t be able to date cuz of yk…….. WE rules………… but he’ll get tired of that taboo/secret relationship bs pretty quickly and just kidnap u

if u don’t accept a position as an assistant/secretary, he gets it but more than likely, his feelings for u will intensify and he’ll end up taking you to keep at wayne manor

before getting into when ur stuck at wayne manor, lets break down bruce’s thoughts abt u

he has put u on a PEDESTAL

ur amazing, beautiful, gorgeous, u. can. do. no. wrong.

in his mind, ur the light to his darkness

alfred totally enables him and if we’re talking dilf bruce, the kids learn from him so they just assume this is what love is, kidnapping and manipulation

you’d adjust to life at wayne manor (not quickly but yk mf is RICH, ur gonna be treated so well once u understand that u cant leave)

bruce wouldn’t torture u but he’d pavlov u for sure

you would only be given comfort and relief when ur around him/good to him

if ur not good, then he’d probably keep u locked up in the batcave or in any of the many empty rooms at the manor

bruce wayne is the most powerful and influential person, ANDD has THE most powerful people on the planet as his best friends… you’re stuck with him babes

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nextstopparis · 10 months

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i really just need good like mid to long length fix recs please i’m begging

hey bestie, i didnt know if you had any specific type of fic in mind or just length and what u consider mid so here are a few fics with 25k+ word counts and thats basically all they have in common🫶 also these are all more or less merthur im so sorry. i hope u find something new here!!!

Arthur, Sincerely by MerlinLikeTheBird (47.8k) (THE FLUFF IN THIS MADE ME CRY also its canon era)

To Begin Anew (need ao3 acc) by ohHeyThereBigBadWolf (27.7k) (ive read this like five times. i think about it constantly. canon divergence)

that lightning-strike feel by TheLurkingContessa (32.5k) (cmon merthur training with weapons together??? also canon era)

An Illusion of Sorts by lordvoldemortsnipple (133.7k) (ive also read this like 3 times which is sorta insane bc its 100k+ words omfg… modern au w magic)

Annum Inanis (The Empty Year) (need ao3 acc) by anonymintea (43.2k) (i DIED. canon era)

Charting Stars On A Stained Glass Ceiling by mornmeril (80k) (my note on ao3 under this is just OHMYGOD a bunch of times so. future au with magic)

a thimble of light for an acre of sky by celaenos (36.2k) (THIS IS NOT MERTHUR well theres like a hint of merthur at the very end but mostly its pendragon siblings and morgwen. I DIED. canon divergence)

Chasing Spring (ok TECHNICALLY this is a series but overall its 58.7k words so) by Gimli_s_Pickaxe (god merlin au do i really need to say anything else. canon era)

Keep the Magic Secret (73.5k) (i feel like i cant say I DIED again or else it’ll start losing its meaning to you but really i did. canon era)

M-RYS by mornmeril (123.2k) (ive also read this three times and was actually just craving a reread yesterday so. hmm. future au with magic)

We Pull These Jobs To Make A Little Money (No One Gets Hurt If They Don’t Act Funny) by leashy_bebes (48.9k) (this fic left me speechless all i could muster in my ao3 notes was “oh my god” not even capitalized like it shook me to my core. modern au)

You’ve Got My Heart, I’ve Got Your Hand by FervidAsAFlame (29.3k) (ive read this about five times it makrs me cry its so sweet i Love Them. modern au)

The Tournament of All Magicks by Cori Lannam (corilannam) (41.3k) (CMONNNN merlin fighting in a TOURNAMENT??? cmon. ohh craving a reread for this one too now… canon era)

The Future Soon by lady_ragnell (30.2k) (i loved this fic so so much. like theres just something about the vibe of it that im obsessed with. could also be the enemies to lovers thing. modern au with magic)

Sweeter Dreams by Tierfal (35.3k) (FREED VIVIAN OF MEN! i mean what more could i want. canon divergence)

Truth Is a Whisper by seperis (25k) (im being so serious go read everything by seperis. everything. GO. FIRST TINTAGEL bc that is my fav fic of all time probably but its 20k words so i couldnt put it here. GO!! theyre my fav author it took EVERYTHING not to rec all their fics. canon divergence)

Accidental Memory in the Case of Death by derryere (74.9k) (theres just something so. So. I DONT KNOW. overwhelming about them in this. its reincarnation au which might be why. one line made me cry)

The Ivy Crown by dayari (derryday) (252.2k) (ive read this three times. look at the word count. i will probably read it again. green knight au thing. theyre just. ohmygod)

Dower the Stars by RurouniHime (40.6k) (LISTEN. actually idek what i can say about this. except for the fact that its the PERFECT FIC. literally. its perfect. im especially in love with arthur and gwens friendship in this but anyway. canon divergence.)

#i sorta just assumed u meant merlin fics omg #BUT IF YOU WANT I ALSO HAVE A FEW KANEJ FICS!#also these are just a few from my bookmarks i have more too #ok well. can u believe this is th e first proper ask ive answered in like a year omg #happy pride xoxoxoxo #bbc merlin #merthur #merthur fic rec #ask

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raynetheinsane · 29 days

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Batfam (and friends) as Henry Danger quotes

(Because im a nerd and love this show)

Damian: Tt, my parties arent that bad

Jon: Christmas. 3 years ago. 15 kids ended up in the hospital!

Damian: FATHER!!!

Tim: Damian! Were trying to study here *indicates to Duke and Steph, both clearly not studying*

Damian: I’m talking to my Father.

Robin!Jason: Dangit! All these jobs say i gotta have skills..

Dick: You have skills!

Jason: Name one.

Dick: You’re a great dancer!

Jason: No I’m not?

Dick: You could take lessons.

(More under the cut i just dont want this to be super duper long)

Bruce: How old are you?

Tim, trying to become robin: Im 13, I’ll be 14. On my next birthday

Dick: Ah so youre aging sequentially

Tim, extremely tired: Do you ever dream about sleeping?

Steph, extremely confused:…no??

Tim: good. If you did youd be dead.

Bruce: Lets ride.

Robin!Jason who is very new to this: Wha- Ride where?

Bruce: We’ve got people in the Jandy River that need saving.

Bruce: Come on.

Jason: You mean we’re going there? Together? Like right now?

Tim, extremely dirty and has a cut on his face walking into Drake Manor:

Jack, not paying attention: Hey Tim, did you get the job?

Tim: Yeah, just finished my first day.

Jack: So hows work?

Tim: Uh it was pretty… interesting.

Bernard: Hey, you never told us what you do at your new job

Tim: *just stares wide eyed silently*

Bruce: While we were patrolling, Poison Ivy stole packs of baby bottles, can you guess why?

Robin!Dick: Uhhh

Bruce: To flood the bottles with radioactive plant matter.

Dick: I would not have guessed that.

Jason: I see youre in your pajama pants.

Tim: Yeah its almost midnight, I was studying for this test i have tomorrow

Jason: What subject?

Tim: Puerto Rican history

Jason: Ah Puerto Rico… land of…

Tim: Puerto Ricans?

Jason: yeah..

Red Hood: Strike three.

Spoiler: That was only 2

Hood: Okay, don’t correct me in front of the criminals

Duke: Whats in the mug?

Tim, who just poured himself and entire pot of coffee despite hating it: Coffee.

Tim: To keep me alive.

Duke: no, no, no, no, you cannot drink this much coffee after work. This mug is comedically large!

Steph: I have the same dream all the time. It satrts with me getting a horse for my birthday. Then my dad shows up. Then the horse kicks my dad in the face!

Jason, helping Tim study: You want a good grade on your puerto rican math test?

Tim: history

Jason, who died before he finished highschool: Same thing

Non-Bat who needs the antidote for Joker gas or something: Will this hurt?

Black Bat: Yes, very much.

Bernard, talking about a criminal the Bats cant catch: Its not Batmans fault, he just needs a better sidekick

Tim: One more time.

Bernard, who knows: Just saying, I’d be way better at catching criminals than the current Robin

Dick: I’m gonna die..

Jason: Not in the house. If you’re gonna die, do it outside

Tim: I’m Robin.

Bernard: I know. I figured that out.

Damian: Todd, I wish to speak to you about something.

Jason: BABIES COME FROM THE BABY STORE

Oracle: Steph, come to Gotham Park right now!

Steph: noo, I’m not in the mood for trees

Oracle: did i ask you what youre in the mood for?

Vikki Vale: So, Spoiler, how did you catch Two Face?

Spoiler: I’d love to take all the credit, but it was really all thanks to my partner, Black Bat.

Vikki: Interesting. Black Bat, can you tell us more?

Black Bat: No.

It really bothers me the lack of Babs, Cass, and Duke worthy quotes there are 😔😔 also my personal favs show a lot and im sorry for that, but there will be more as i think of them, these are just eps 1-4, the rest will be posted like in a queue or something and as single quotes cus im eepy

#batfam #batman #robin #dc robin #dick grayson #nightwing #damian wayne #tim drake #red robin #jason todd #red hood #batfamily headcanons #incorrect quotes #henry danger #stephanie brown #cassandra wayne #barbara gordon #source: henry danger

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the-suns-a-tube · 4 months

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The Mechanisms Cringe list @cryptile

9. TS - is above the concept of cringe (non human)

8. Ashes - not very cringe

7. Raph - nerd

6. Ivy - nerdier

5. Brian - shot into space on suspicion of witchcraft 🤣😂🤣😂. dumbass.

4. Tim - Gay

MOST CRINGE

3. Nasty - ewww ship fucker (gay^2)

2. Marius - Nerd, but not even a smart nerd. A wannabe nerd. All the cringe bits of nerd without the good bits of nerd. get kneecapitated wanker.

1. Jonny - HARMONICA PLAYING CRINGE LOOSER DUMBASS COWBOY CANT EVEN DO AN AMERICAN ACCENT

#the mechanisms #the mechs #sunny tube mech jokes #jonny d'ville #the toy soldier #gunpowder tim #nastya rasputina #drumbot brian #ivy alexandria #raphaella la cognizi #ashes o’reilly #marius von raum

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dovewingkinnie · 3 months

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Hey bunny cat! first of all, i LOVE YOUR ART been seeing your art sense follow me with dove wing & ivy pool <3 i was wondering if you have lore planned for future videos with your docs or voice acted videos? you always amaze us with your art!!!!!

there is a voice acted animation i’m working on with my ocs right now, no idea when it’ll come out but it’s being worked on !! cant show anything for it since it’s secret but i’m very excited about it ^-^

i am hoping to do a bigger project with one of my stories later this year, i just need to get out of school so i can actually work towards it and focus 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

#just a few more months #waaa

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rainbowstargazerlilies · 4 months

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Mechs Ships Tournament: Shipping Round 4 Poll 1

Propaganda:

Polymechs:

They're inseparable they hate each other they would die for each other they actively enjoy killing each other ect ect ect

Look they're immortal and stuck in a spaceship you don't think they've hit all possible combinations over the years and settled into a weird comfortable vibe you can only get if youve murdered, been murdered, and had sex with every one (maybe minus nastya) of your friends?

immortal space pirats.... cuddle piles, romantic... not romanticm... poly mechs <3

(Points to every album) there thats my propaganda. But in all seriousness they are a group of immortals with nothing to do but sing and love each other in their own fucked up ways <3

Chaotic little guys on a ship for a long time, the relationship web they got going on could rival the coven web

you cant tell me you would live with people for millions of years without it getting even a little gay.

Polygamy

when you spend millennia doing music and violence and shenanigans with the same 8 other people on a ship (and when the ship is technically another person), there's bound to be some group canoodling

i care them

they're everything to each other!!!

i refuse to pick

it’s polymechs!! what isn’t to love

Look at them.

how could you pick individual ships when they are so good together!! with the exception of nastya + jonny cos they are siblings your honour.

a lot of people have polymechs with her and aurora being monogamous but she canonically has queer orgies. on mechs tumblr account she describes herself as "The only one seemingly capable of a committed, responsible and fair relationship" so polymechs with all of relationships besides nastyaurora being on and off and everchanging is both the best polymechs and the most canon compliant polymechs to me

The idea that they're crewmates. You ask one of them what their relationship is with another and they say, "That's my crewmate". And then, maybe one of them meets someone on another ship, and they mention they don't have strong feelings about someone because, "they're only my crewmate" And they just cannot comprehend the idea of being crewmates with someone and not having strong feelings about them. They're immortal and half of them hate life, but even if that wasn't true, they'd die for any of the others a million times over. They've murdered billions of people on a whim, but even if that wasn't true, they'd murder anyone if it made one of their crewmate's lives a bit better. Remember how Tim blew up a moon for Bertie? He had only known Bertie for about 10 years. What would he do for people he had known for about 10 millennia? What would Ashes do for the people who would never betray them? What would Nastya do for the people who would always spend time with her and never die? What would Brian do for the people who would always forgive him for following his beliefs? What would Raphaella do for the people who are always willing to help her with her experiments? What would Ivy do for the people who'd always stay and tell their stories? What would the Toy Soldier do for the people who only ordered it to do what it wants to do and always lets it be involved? What would Jonny do for the people he could never permanently hurt? What would Marius do for his family? They all love each other more than anything, even if they don't have the words for it. (via @mchasmfiend)

Loki/Sigyn:

https://youtu.be/TdKCUmOa5Jw?si=Y3owraM96zp4kdrs and https://youtu.be/nxVjWJJmt9Q?si=76dQ6LBg00eldlUY

anti ship lesbians/sappics

Transgender lesbian anarchists.

spsaphics

Round-up for the round here :)

#Mechs ships tournament #the mechs #the mechanisms #shipping round 4 #tournament poll #spumblr #loki tbi #sigyn tbi

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random-daisies · 1 year

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harley and ivy adopting danny

- listen when danny relocates to gotham because of whatever (death of his family/friends, getting too much for him, GIW, whatever) and meeting harley and ivy a random alley way after running away from the bats and birds

- when they see this dirty(and very injured) but sassy teen they feel their interest piqued... then after he mentions some outlandish crap about his home town/life when they ask what he’s doing in gotham when he clearly doesn’t belong they just look at each other and sigh... they have been around batsy too long

- they lead this kid with shaking hands and shakier smiles to a safe location so they can talk properly person to person...ish

- harley puts on her doctors coat and sits with her note pad and pen asking him why he is here and what he is doing in the bad part of gotham (if that even exists) suddenly this black haired blue eyed kid is chuckling sadly mumbling about his sister and how amazing she was (or used to be)

- this kid who has chilling blue eyes that not even god-like psychiatrist dr harleen quinzel can read and they realize how fucked this poor kid is

- they don’t go to batman or the gcpd they welcome danny with open arms and very soon danny has too semi-functional lesbian mums, a few whack uncles and a very put together but strange cat-lady mum no.3

- also suddenly joker isnt anywhere near harley, pamela’s plants are thriving and always looked after (danny mentioned that ivy was a hero of an old friend), catwomans cats like danny almost as much as selina and eddie cant beat this kid at ANY video games?!?

pls expand on this i am so ready for mumma harley and mumma pammy!!!!

#dc x dp #poison ivy #harley quinn #catwoman #batman #bats and the birds #danny fenton #dcu #dp

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rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos · 28 days

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CARMEN SANDIEGO INCORRECT QUOTES ULTIMATE EDITION! {WARNING! THERE ARE SHIPS. NO ELABORATION}

Shadowsan: I didn't drink that much last night. Carmen: You were flirting with Chase. Shadowsan: So what? They're my partner. Carmen: You asked if they were single. Carmen: And then you cried when they said they weren't.

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Zack: Hey, Carmen you're smart, tell me what would happen if I chugged 3 gallons of chloroform. Carmen: Have you ever been to a mortuary? Zack: Yea, my grandma lives there. Julia: That is the worst response to that question.

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Zack: I may be stupid. The Squad: … Zack: Oh, did you think I was going to finish that sentence?

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Hideo: Suhara, what are you doing? Shadowsan: Making chocolate pudding. Hideo: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding? Shadowsan: Because I've lost control of my life. Shadowsan: Here's your pudding, Julia. Julia: Oh that's okay, I'm not hungry anymore.

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Hideo: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off? Carmen: What? No, I— Chase: enters room Hideo: jaw clenches

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Carmen: Go on, give Zack a compliment. Ivy: How do you expect me to do that? Player: Just say something that you wish someone would say to you. Ivy: Uhh… You are now unbanned from Free Ham Sandwich Day! Zack, sobbing: Nobody’s ever said that to me before!

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Chase: holding a salt packet It’s just a little sodium chloride. Julia: Actually Chase, it’s salt. Chase: That’s what I said, sodium chloride. Julia: Uh Chase, that would be salt. Julia: takes salt packer from Chase This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.

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Shadowsan, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume? Zack: grabs and chugs the entire bottle Zack: Zack: It's perfume.

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Chase: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos. Julia: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

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Professor Maelstrom: Dr. Bellum, are you drinking… drinking hydrogen peroxide?! Dr. Bellum: It says H2O2! That means it’s the sequel to water!

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Brunt: You disgust me. Cleo: eating a kitkat sideways I realize this and don’t care.

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Brunt: looks over Dr. Bellum’s shoulder at their laptop What the fuck? Dr. Bellum: slams screen shut It’s just research! For something I’m writing about! I swear that’s it! Brunt: Why the hell would that involve the breeding habits of frogs? Dr. Bellum: It’s not just “frogs”, it’s the Surinam Toad. And it’s not “breeding habits”, it’s how they raise their young. This is important information my audience needs to know! Brunt: That doesn’t change the fact this is for one line in a fanfiction. Dr. Bellum, offendedly: You don’t know that! Brunt: I hear no denial.

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Dr. Bellum: This food is too hot… I cant eat it. Cleo: You’re very hot, and I still eat you. Everyone at the table: silence Brunt: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING! Professor Maelstrom: One dinner… I just want ONE DINNER!

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Dr. Bellum: When I first got my autism diagnosis, my first thought was “woah… it’s canon” and I think that maybe thoughts like that is why Cleo made me get tested.

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Professor Maelstrom: Is Cleo always like this when they lose? Dr. Bellum: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2015. Cleo: You bumped that table and you know it!

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Cleo: Love is weakness and an evolutionary mistake. Brunt: You are literally making a Valentine’s day card for Dr. Bellum. Cleo, pointing their hot glue gun towards Brunt: You’re on thin fucking ice.

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Dr. Bellum is shopping with Cleo Dr. Bellum: Can I get a silenced pistol? Cleo: If there’s one on sale.

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Dr. Bellum: I think I mostly want to see what happens when this whole place breaks apart.

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Professor Maelstrom: You use humor to deflect your trauma. Brunt: Awww, thanks- Professor Maelstrom: That’s not a good thing. Brunt: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.

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Dr. Bellum: How petty can you get? Cleo: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

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Dr. Bellum: I drink to forget but I always remember. Professor Maelstrom: You're drinking orange juice.

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Carmen: You lying, cheating, piece of shit! Ivy: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD Carmen: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING ZACK WITH ME Shadowsan, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

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Carmen, setting down a card: Ace of spades Ivy, pulling out an Uno card: +4 Zack, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you Shadowsan, trembling: What are we playing

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Carmen: Dammit, Zack! Zack: What?! It wasn’t me! Carmen: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Ivy! Ivy: Not me either. Carmen: Oh...Then who set the house on fire? Shadowsan: whistles

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Vlad: You should really cover your webcam with something, what if someone's watching? Boris: Huh, really? I probably have a sticker or something if that would do. Vlad: Sure, sure- Vlad: ...Why do you have a sticker of me? Boris: Oh, it's just one of the spares. Vlad: ...Spares?

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Boris: *running towards Vlad with open arms* Vlad: *moves out of the way* Boris: Hey, why'd you move?! Vlad: I thought you were going to attack me. Boris: I was going to hug you! Vlad: Why would you hug me? Boris: WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU!?

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Boris: As top in this relationship, I think we should- Vlad: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.

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Boris: Cheers to our new "YAKT". Vlad: the "c" is silent. Boris, staring out at the horizon: Yes, it's very tranquil. You're right.

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Vlad: Wow, Boris, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you. Boris: We literally slept together yesterday. Vlad: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

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Hacker: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up! Hacker: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

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Ivy, seeing a banana on the car seat: What the FUCK?? Ivy, buckling the banana up: Fucking buckle UP, it’s the LAW!

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Zack: Well, needless to say. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os.

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Zack: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies? Shadowsan: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials. Carmen: It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby. Ivy: Rock also defeats baby.

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Chase: I am a responsible adult! Julia: raises brow Chase: I am an adult.

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Ivy, grinning: Before you were what? Julia: Before I was- Ivy: What? Julia: Before I was inter- Ivy: Before you were interrupted? Julia: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll- Ivy: What? Julia: makes frustrated sound Shadowsan, nervously: Stop that. Before they hurt you.

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Ivy: Where are you going? Hideo: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.

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Shadowsan: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

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Chase: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming? Shadowsan: Can everyone in this godforsaken group please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"? Ivy: Ya know… it might be.

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Zack: I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it. Dash Haber: What- how? Zack: You’d be like “come to bed … Mr. President” and I’d be like, “I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.”

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Young Shadowsan: I am a ninja. Young Hideo: No, you’re not. Young Shadowsan: Did you see me do that? Young Hideo: Do what? Young Shadowsan: Exactly.

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Young Hideo: Suhara-kun, you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand. Young Shadowsan: Why? I'm fine on the stand! flashback to Testimony #1 Young Shadowsan: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand. Young Shadowsan, to the jury: MAN DID CRIME. flashback to Testimony #2 Young Shadowsan: I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face? Defense Attorney, next to the crying defendant: …Crying? flashback to Testimony #3 Young Shadowsan: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers. Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer?

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Zack: Ivy, I screwed up, big time. Ivy: Zack, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

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Shadowsan: Zack is forbidden from monologuing.

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Shadowsan: Turns on the kitchen light Zack: Sitting at the table, eating bread Shadowsan: It’s four in the morning. Zack: Turn the light back off.

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At a zoo Zack: What are they in for? Player: Zack, this isn't prison. Zack: So they can leave? Player: No, but- Zack, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone.

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Young Shadowsan: Fight me! Young Hideo, standing behind them and holding a knife: mouths Do not.

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Shadowsan: What’s sexting? Ivy: I'm not having this conversation with you.

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After picking Zack up from Denny's Shadowsan: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing. Zack: But ya' didn't!

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Shadowsan: Did it hurt when you fell- Chase: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt- Shadowsan: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs. Chase: … Shadowsan: You just laid there for 15 minutes.

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Carmen: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Zack will and will not eat. Player: Grass? Yes! Carmen: Moss? Yes!! Player: Leaves? Ohh, yes! Carmen: Shoelaces? Strange but true! Player: Worms? Sometimes! Carmen: Rocks? Usually nah. Player: Twigs? Usually! Carmen: Ivy's cooking? Inconclusive! Julia: How did you… test this? Carmen: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if he eats it, he eats it. Julia: … I don’t know how to feel about this. Ivy: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

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Chase: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind. Chase: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. Chase: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year? Shadowsan: This is Monopoly.

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Carmen: Holding up a picture of a seemingly young anime girl WHO IS SHE?! IS SHE TWELVE?! Player: No! She's a thousand years ol- Carmen: Plays the reverse card on Uno Online Player: NO! NOOOOOOOOOO-!

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Zack: There is no i in happyness… Chase: There is if you fucking spell it right.

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Roundabout: That's not funny. Dr Bellum: I thought it was funny. Roundabout: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

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Prof. Maelstrom: What do we say when life disappoints us? Countess Cleo: Called it! Prof. Maelstrom: No.

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Dr Bellum: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma? Coach Brunt: Oklahoma City, bitch!

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Dr Bellum: Look, I know we don’t always see eye to eye but— Coach Brunt: That's because you're too short to do so. Dr Bellum: …Listen here you fucking—

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playing twister Coach Brunt: Right hand red. Countess Cleo: ends up on top of Dr Bellum Dr Bellum: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? Coach Brunt: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

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Prof. Maelstrom: Is it still visible? Where Lady Dokuso slapped me? Roundabout: Your face looks like a don't walk signal. Coach Brunt: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box. Countess Cleo: A palm reader could tell Lady Dokuso's future by looking at your face. Dr Bellum: The phrase 'talk to the hand cause the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face. Prof. Maelstrom: …A simple 'yes' would've sufficed.

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Dr Bellum, to Countess Cleo: We had a date! Dr Bellum: aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book

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Roundabout: So, how long have you and Countess Cleo been together? Lady Dokuso: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Countess Cleo and I are not together. No. No. Roundabout: Really? Sixteen ‘nos’? Really?

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Coach Brunt: Gunnar told me that brown is just navy orange, and I have never been more disappointed with something I agree with.

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Tigress: I know you love them. El Topo: I am not in love with Jean-Paul! Tigress, staring at El Topo: I never said who… El Topo: realizes El Topo: Shit. Well, anyways-

Hacker: Uhh.. Mime Bomb just asked if we want to… Hacker: “Fell the mighty before their time and display their carcasses in our homes?” Neil the Eel, not even looking up from their phone: They’re asking if you wanna cut down Christmas Trees. Hacker: Oh, that makes more sense.

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Tigress, working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem.

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Paper Star: Hey guys, what are your favorite kinds of pudding? Tigress: Pudding deez nuts in your mouth? Is that what you were about to say? Do you gain joy from tricking your innocent cohorts? What if I actually wanted to tell you about my favorite pudding?

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Hacker: I have a problem. Tigress: Kill it. Hacker: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

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Paper Star: Why are you wearing glasses? Neil the Eel: Errr…reading…? Paper Star: Reading? Paper Star: I didn’t know you could read.

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El Topo: Can you please just apologize to Neil? Le Chevre: Fine, but I have to warn you that this may make me a nicer, better person and that is not who you feel in love with.

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Carmen: What's an orgasm?

Ivy: When you fold paper to look like birds and shit.

Zack: That's oregano bitch.

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Player: Sorry I was late I was zoomed in on Google Maps following a river from source to mouth.

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Player and Carmen are texting

Player: You're only gonna catch feelings and get hurt

Carmen: But she's. So funny

Player: So are clowns. Do you see me texting Chuck E Cheese everyday

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Shadowsan: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE! Carmen: Climbing THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!

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Zack: I don’t remember that. Chase: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door? Zack: …No. Chase: Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles? Zack: Not especially, no. Chase: It was in between those two things.

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Carmen: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight. Ivy: But are you shuffling? Carmen: Everyday. Shadowsan: What language are you two speaking??

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Brotherly Bickering going on here

Shadowsan: I intend to stay pissed at you forever. Shadowsan: Even if I seem helpful. Hideo: Then you're in luck. Hideo: Because you don't.

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Zack: I love cooking breakfast. It makes the whole house smell like bacon. Shadowsan: That’s true, but it also smells like fire and panic. Zack: You and the smoke detector need to get off my case.

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Zack: Why do you act like we’re three year olds? Shadowsan, exasperated: WHY?!? Shadowsan points at Ivy: YOU TRIED TO HYJACK A CAR! Shadowsan points at Chase: YOU NEARLY JUMPED 20 FEET OFF A CARPARK! Shadowsan points at Zack: AND YOU ATE MULTIPLE DRIED LEAVES AND ROCKS OFF THE GROUND! Shadowsan: AND YOU ASK ME WHY????

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Zack: Reverse tooth fairy where you leave money under your pillow and the tooth fairy comes and leaves you a bunch of teeth. Ivy: Why? Zack, shaking a bag of teeth: Just because.

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Shadowsan: What's this? Chase, hugging Shadowsan: Affection! Shadowsan: Disgusting. Shadowsan: …Do it again.

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Maelstrom: That's a nice arguement, Brunt. Why don't you back it up with a source? Brunt: My source is that I made it the fuck up!

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Maelstrom: Time sensitive question how flirt boy. Saira: Throw rocks at he. Brunt: Hot Dogs. Cleo: Kill him. Maelstrom: Thanks guys.

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Boris: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos- Vlad: I wrote you a poem. Boris, already crying: You did?

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Boris: Wow, they really hate us. Vlad: Yes, perhaps they’re homophobic. Boris: But we’re not gay, Vlad. Vlad: Boris: Vlad: We’re not?

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Zack: Two bros! Zack: Chillin' in a hot tub! Zack: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!

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Dash: I want to kiss you. Zack, not paying attention: What? Dash: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

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Dash walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Zack, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK. Zack, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

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Neil : Mimebomb and I are no longer friends. Mimebomb, Signing: NEIL THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO TELL PEOPLE THAT WE’RE DATING!

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Neil and Mimebomb are in Paris. Neil : I'm…moved. I…I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel…destiny? Mimebomb, Signing: But… Neil : I don't know what it is. I feel like… I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and… Mimebomb, Signing: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception? Neil : Yeah. Mimebomb, Signing: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe. Neil : Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION. Mimebomb, Signing: Okay, alright.

AND THAT''S THE END. Or is it....?

#carmen sandiego #i'm not tagging all of them #rubin report

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