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vkelleyart · 2 years

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Storytime: My traumatic pregnancies and why abortion access is also a mental health issue. (Part one.)

(TW: Miscarriage, Pregnancy complications, PPA/PPD, Blood)

"What happened, didn't you take care of yourself?"

That was what an elder female coworker said to me the day I returned to the office after my miscarriage.

In November 2011, I was 15 weeks along in my first pregnancy when I woke up to blood on the mattress. Having never been pregnant before, I genuinely didn't know what it meant; I'd heard that bleeding during pregnancy happened sometimes, and the worst I allowed myself to contemplate was a scenario that put me on bed rest for the remainder of the nine months. Fearing what the doctor would say, I called my older sister first to basically beg her for reassurance that there a chance that I––and by extension, the baby––was fine. Obviously, she had no answers, so I got a hold of my in-laws to take me to the OB/GYN for an emergency visit since my husband was still teaching at the school.

The technician was very quiet during the ultrasound. We're talking no eye contact. I had to ask if there was a heartbeat.

"No. There's no heartbeat."

She said nothing else. Just wiped off the gel, moved the box of tissues next to my table, and left. My mother in-law gathered me up into her arms, and I wept while we waited for my doctor to reiterate what the ultrasound had already proven. When my OB/GYN doctor of two years finally showed up, she sat across from me with a sympathetic look on her face and said, "I'm so sorry, Jennifer."

I paused in my sobbing to croak, "My name is Venessa."

"What?" She glanced down at her file. "Oh, I'm sorry, they gave me the wrong file! Excuse me..." And then she was gone, too.

It was a Friday, and as there was no chance of getting me in for a D&C until Monday, I was sent home and blandly informed that I might experience "some intense cramping" and should therefore have some Ibuprofen on hand. On the way out the door, my in-laws told my husband what I didn't have the voice to say over the phone, so he found a last-minute sub and met all of us at a Mexican restaurant where his parents treated us to Wheaton's best fajitas and sangria in hopes of easing the pain we were in. (I later found out he excused himself from class to cry by himself in the teacher's bathroom.)

Foolishly did I assume the worst was over and that all that lay ahead of me was some period cramping. It was 1AM when I woke up with pain like I was being impaled through my lower midsection.

I remember crawling on all fours to the phone and dialing the emergency number to my OB's office. Several prompts later, I finally got a human, a nurse who asked me what I was feeling.

"They said cramping," I said through gritted teeth. "This isn't normal. I feel like I'm dying--"

"You've just miscarried. You were far enough along that this may feel more like an early labor than a period."

"What??" I gasped. "What do I do? Can I come in? I can't even stand up..."

"It doesn't pay to come into urgent care for this," he said mechanically. "There's not really anything we can do for you. Just take another ibuprofen and it should run its course."

My breath vacated my lungs. "Right... Okay... Thank you..."

I hung up and crawled back to my bed room, grabbing my husband's arm and scaring the daylights out of him when he opened his eyes to find me on the floor. He scrambled out of bed and lifted me up, walking me out to the living room as I cried. I nearly dragged him down with me when another contraction lanced me through the gut and my legs gave out.

I couldn't sit and I couldn't stand, so he brought me over to the CD player, put on Michael Bublé, and let me lean all my weight into him as we rocked in place––a sort of tragic slow dance punctuated by waves of agony 5 minutes apart. He helped me to the bathroom several times over the next five hours as my body violently expelled all the evidence that I'd ever been pregnant, like I was trapped in an endless Sam Raimi movie.

Finally, just before the sun rose, my body calmed enough for us to go back to bed. When Monday came, they told me the D&C was unnecessary. An ultrasound showed my uterus was empty.

A clean canvas. Like nothing had ever happened.

Except I'd started painting the nursery. The room beside my bedroom had been cleared of my drafting table and art supplies to make room for a new little person I'd never had a chance to know. I walked around my house like a ghost for several days while I recovered and grieved, always winding up in this room and never remembering how I got there, punishing myself with shame-driven thoughts about having caused it because the fact was, I was so scared to be pregnant.

I wondered, Had I willed this? From the moment the second purple stripe showed up on the pee stick, I grappled with terror of having a difficult labor and delivery, of not being tall enough to house a growing baby without destroying my body, of handing down the generational trauma that had made so many of my family members succumb to addiction, codependency, depression, and other psychological maladies. I knew this baby would also mean leaving my job because it involved so much traveling. My world would be completely upended, and while this was what I wanted and had chosen, it was also a leap into the unknown that put everything in my life at risk, above all, my life itself.

Prior to my miscarriage, I'd had an abnormal ultrasound––abnormal in that the fetus was smaller than it should have been at the time the ultrasound was taken. My doctor reassured me it wasn't something to worry about in a tone that seemed to convey this was a common occurrence, so I tried not to dwell on it. Of course, I now understand that this was the first sign that, genetically, the baby would not make it to term.

Society told me my fears were selfish considerations. And for this reason, despite all the evidence in that very first ultrasound that told me this was not a typical pregnancy, I shamed and blamed myself for losing it. I internalized the chilly regard of the technicians and the doctor's kid glove treatment of me as evidence that all this trauma was on me. And when I came back to work, all the words of comfort from other women around me who had also miscarried, among them one of my supervisors, got drowned out as soon as one ignorant woman accused me of not taking care of myself.

Looking back on that experience in the wake of losing Roe v. Wade, I've considered what a court would say today about what happened to me. Would they side with the person at my workplace, confiscate the journals where I poured out my worries as evidence that I had in fact stunted my own pregnancy somehow?

I also marvel at how lucky I was to have a caring spouse and supportive family members in a moment where all my healthcare resources abandoned me to face a traumatic labor and delivery in my own bathroom. I've given birth to two children since then, and though neither of those labors were as painful as my miscarriage was, those experiences solidified the decision that, were I to get pregnant a fourth time, I would abort it.

But that's another story.

[Part Two coming soon.]

#roe v wade #miscarriage #tw miscarriage #tw blood #tw pregnancy

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softsky-daily · 2 months

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3/9/2024

On Miku Day I think it's very fitting to watch the sky deepen into blue as time passed.

Positive thing: Conversation Table went well again today, and I got good food.

It was nice to be away from grad school stuff and focus on something entirely different, and everyone seems to appreciate it which is cool too. At the same time it makes me sharply aware that my schedule is packed to the brim in a way that theirs isn't. I show my various checklists and my calendar to friends who aren't from my classes and I see them physically balk. I always wonder if my time management is just off, and it probably is to some extent - but what was I supposed to sacrifice? Even more of my limited rest time? Needing to eat? I remember emailing my professor for help for something one time and she said if I was having trouble I should've emailed earlier. But how was I supposed to know I needed help before I realized I needed help?

I was also surprised by another thing recently. That there were people who never experienced depression for long periods of time, who never experienced keen anxiety, who never thought seriously about wanting to die. I guess surprise isn't the right word. I know logically people like that exist, and technically, statistically are the majority. But I couldn't comprehend a life like that. Not that I don't think those people don't have struggles or genuine hardships of their own, but being mentally ill really shifts how you have to approach things in life or take care of yourself. It takes an enormous amount of effort during times like these where I'm stressed to find the worth in continuing. I can't fathom what ease there must be for people who never have to contend with those kinds of feelings.

Well. I suppose it's not really an ease. It must hit a lot harder when you're going through a difficult time and to you it's genuinely the worst thing that's ever happened. I've seen friends distressed over things I experience often and feel numbed to. I never think what they feel should be minimized because obviously the enormity of those feelings, regardless of the reason they come up, are very real. It's just different.

But anyway. I'm just going through it. Today wasn't bad by any means aside from the mental health issues. Dinner was good - we went to the Chinese place nearby and the lady gave us these rice cakes that were delicious, and the other food was good as usual too.

My dad also sent us more groceries (rather, he bought them and I picked them up at Sam's), so I should hopefully be set for a while food-wise. It was hard to not have a lot of easy-to-make meals like frozen food available since I have very little energy and time to cook most days. But now there's lots of frozen fried rice and other things.

I'm skipping going to the beach with my friends to sleep and honestly that's probably the better option. I have lots of homework to do too but I'll take it one project at a time, so I only need to finish one of them by tomorrow, and then I can focus on the others more next week. But yeah time to sleep. Byeee

#skyposting #thoughtposting #foodposting

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danpuff-ao3 · 1 year

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My beloved Nina, also known as the very gifted PinaNaponi, and here as @vulnerasanenturmyprince. I cannot tell you how much this lady means to me. She's on a hiatus from fandom right now, but I couldn't not dedicate some love to my sweet friend.

Nina and I met during one of the worst periods of my life. And she had no idea just how much joy she brought into my life then, because I kept so much of what I was dealing with hush hush. Our first time interacting was a literal cry for help on my end where Nina told me "if you're okay talking to a literal stranger, my DMs are open." Which just goes to show how openhearted and generous she is. She gave me so much support that day.

When I was struggling, and feeling alone, and afraid, Nina reminded me that decent people exist. She's walked through rough situations with such grace and class. All before we were properly friends. And she is, somehow, all the more wonderful when she's in your corner.

This lady is intelligent, skilled, creative, and passionate, and kind. I adore her to bits. And even when she slipped out of fandom, we've kept in touch. And I know without a doubt that whatever our distance on this earth, and in fandom, whatever life throws in our way, I've got this lady for good. And she simply must be celebrated! She writes, narrates, draws, and even binds books! Talk about a quadruple threat!

So here are some goodies of Nina's for you to admire. All below the cut because I got carried away with hers and it's longer than usual!

Art:

Rockstar AU Severus & Harry

Snarry Sanctuary Discord icon

Compulsory Figures fanart

Snape's nose art for Impeccable Logic and Belated Epiphanies

Severus' birthday (Snarry)

Star Trek Snarry

Dron Christmas (for me!)

Snarry Christmas

Birthday Fic-Bindings:

Danpuff short stories

Genuinely, I cried. (She also included yummy German snackies in the package, but that's besides the point.) Is there a better gift to give someone? To put your love into giving another's work physical shape? I have a physical copy of my own works because of Nina. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Never have I been given such a thoughtful gift. And it's yellow, too!! (I love yellow.) (Also I'm a Hufflepuff, if the "puff" in "danpuff" didn't give it away.)

Certain Dark Things

LilaDiurne's Certain Dark Things is an incredible story and the book Nina created for it is so gorgeous! Geez Louise, what a rockstar!

Drabbles:

Hunger

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 196.

Severus is a gourmet.

No pretty Girl

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 297. Hate sex.

Snape is a terrible liar.

Fics:

Feline Felicis

Harry/Severus. Rated: M. Words: 10,708. Cat!Harry. Fluff.

Potter, in a fit of being his usual hazardous self, goes about things in all the wrong ways. Of course it falls to Severus to fix the mess. It goes not at all as expected.

The Ferryman

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 7,021. Mental health issues.

A story about ghosts and Psychopomps, and two men who might be better off together.

Set Phasers to Stun

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 18,580. Fluff & smut. Humor. Headmaster Snape & Professor Potter. Snarry Swap 2021.

Harry returns to Hogwarts to apprentice under none other than Severus Snape as a Star Trek: Voyager craze hits the school. Harry is soon to find out that he, in fact, does like sci-fi ― and Vulcans.

Podfic:

Boxes & Baubles

written by me! Narrated by Nina. Severus-centric. Lily & Severus friendship. Minor Regulus/Severus. Endgame Harry/Severus. Rated: T. Length: 21 minutes.

Christmas trees over the first four (and a half) decades of Severus’ life.

Poem:

Lovers' Flight

Harry/Severus. Rated: T. Words: 221. MCD. Wartime. Poem. Kill Your Darlings Fest 2022. Inspired by "Elf King" by Goethe.

When Goethe meets Snarry

Webcomic

Quarantine Days

Harry/Severus. Rated: M. Muggle Au. Domestic fluff. Fluff & smut. Snarry AUctober Fest 2021.

A collection of three-panel comics about Harry and Severus stuck at home during quarantine.

for an explanation about Mutuals March, or to figure out why i wrote you a thing, please check out this post.

#mutuals march #pinanaponi #danni goes overboard cuz she loves nina so much #must give all the love to bestie #why are my friends so dang talented????#sheesh

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ohbo-ohno · 8 months

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hey i’m so sorry if this is TMI and you don’t have to answer this, this isn’t a fic ask. in one of the recent asks you mentioned you went through a period in college where you barely left your dorm, barely spoke to anyone, barely ate, and your anxiety sky rocketed.

that is my exact situation right now as a college student, and i’m miserable.

if you’re comfortable sharing, and please feel free to delete this if not, how did you overcome this? do you have any advice to share? the transition is kicking my ass and i cannot cope lol

i genuinely gasped when i read what you wrote because it was my exact situation

hey babe!!!! not tmi at all no worries :) just before i type the rest of this - idk what will work for you! i can tell you what helped me, but idk the intricacies of your situation or your mental health. i never saw a therapist to help with my depression, so everything im going to say is purely what helped me when i was at my worst. wishing all the best and more for you <3

i left! i couldn't stay at that college, even though i loved the campus and the location i just... couldn't stay there when my experience had been so tainted. i was extremely lucky, my mom let me go home for a year and figure out what i wanted to do with my life. it was the best possible thing for me, gave me time to recover from that depression and be a Person for a little bit again. i went back to a different school after a gap year and had a far better experience, ended up getting my degree there. but i think going back to that same campus after my Bad Year would've been the worst possible thing - for me, at least.

i didn't see a therapist during after that period, but i should have. i'd recommend that if you can afford it/have good insurance.

idk what your personal situation is obviously, but i found it insanely cathartic to be really blunt with what i was going through to my mom. we're super close so i was able to do that, but i'd recommend finding someone you trust and laying it all on the table. give them the details of how you felt at your very lowest, even if it seems embarrassing. it helps it feel more real, and the realer it feels the easier it is to get past.

i also recommend getting together with friends as much as possible. for me, i'd moved 9 hours away from my hometown for college and just... didn't know anyone, and didn't meet anyone. when i came home, i had to talk to my friends a lot and just remind myself who *i* was, yk? did a lot of talking over the phone too. anything to remind myself how to be a person

for anxiety - try and sit in public places and do nothing. go to the park, bring a laptop or a book to a cafe, spend the day in the library, but go out and be somewhere. my anxiety got so bad because i just stopped exposing myself to things, but if you can kind of reintegrate into being in public again slowly it'll make things a lot easier for you. at least, it did for me lol

i don't know what you can do, and honestly it's very possible what helped me won't help you at all, but i really needed a "my year of rest and relaxation" period. i came home, did nothing all summer, than worked locally for the two semesters i would've been in school. helped me feel like i was more than a bump in my bed, and got me ready to go back to school with a better understanding of myself and what i needed :)

#asks and answers #sending you so much love anon you're gonna be ok <3 #find something stupid to be really into to remind yourself how to feel happy

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sergeantsporks · 1 year

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thinking abt a what if scenario where my golden guard oc was inducted into the gilded fam (bc you said it was ok to write abt them interacting). first off, his name was achilles, he lived during a time where belos was still trying to gain power, so he ended up doing a lot of bad stuff for him. like. “killing entire villages to end a rebellion” levels of bad. in terms of personality, he was a very honor-obsessed, noble, knightly type. bc of this, he didnt question belos like. at all. and while he did not enjoy the atrocities he was committing, he thought they were necessary and done for a reason. “the ends justify the means” sort of situation yknow

naturally, you can expect him to not react well when he accidentally finds out what the day of unity Actually entails, and goes and violently confronts belos abt it. they fight, achilles gets the upper hand and wrongfully assumes belos is dead, belos doesnt die for anything tho and cuts his achilles tendon as hes walking away and finishes him off

i imagine that suddenly waking up in the gilded house would. kind of actively make his mental health worse. suddenly having to live with the knowledge that everything he did was ultimately in vain would eat him alive. physically, hed have one of the easier recoveries, he has a limp and a lot of stab wounds & bruises, but its not the worst evelyn has seen. mentally, hes kind of on a downward spiral from minute 1. he feels incredibly guilty abt all the crimes hes committed and all the people hes killed, and he wishes that both belos and himself had died back then. he could absolutely be convinced to stay at the house and even bond with the others, but this is something hes never going to forgive himself for. or at the very least, he wouldnt get to that point in recovery for a WHILE

theres also the issue that theyd kinda have to break him from a soldier mindset (but i imagine hes hardly unique in that experience). like he thinks his life doesnt matter and can be thrown away for anything. he immediately clocks caleb and evelyn as the ultimate authority in the household and treats every request and question from them like an order that hes not allowed to disobey. which would cause some obvious problems. he even bows to them in their first meeting. which they wouldnt like for obvious reasons. hed definitely need to learn to have Some self worth and learn that hes allowed to make choices for himself. hed treat being asked to help in the kitchen with the same deathly seriousness as if he was being ordered to the frontlines in a war

tbh i could actually see him getting along well with jason. he doesnt understand Everything he talks abt, but he does genuinely enjoy hearing abt noble heroes vanquishing monsters and all the other stuff from his books. i could even see jason suggesting the name achilles to him in the first place (id say what his dynamic would be w/ the others, but its been a while since i read the fic n i dont remember their personalities that well)

uhhh. thats kinda all i got to tell you abt the mental rabbit hole i just went down. um. he knows how to swordfight too and would gladly teach the others if they wanted to learn. what do you think of this? sorry for this ask being an absolute wall of text btw

Hmmmmm I think he and Cherry would... idk, not "get along" per se (in a "besties" sense), but just. "Same trauma!!! I've done some stuff that I am very not proud of and oh gosh I was a monster!!!" bonding. Despite being from VERY different time periods. That, and he and Petro would both have the "big help in the rise to power" similarity.

Jason would absolutely go sparkle-eyed infodump on him the instant he said something about heroes. I hope Achilles is ready for the whole Illiad to learn about his namesake, because Jason is going to recite it for him. As was initially intended by the text.

#toh #asks #gilded family au #other's ocs #my ocs #grimwalker playdate

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hvlf-doomed · 2 years

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awkward

the thing i find most horrible about sixth form is definitely the people, there's now not enough students for me to fade into the shadows, everyone knows me!! but still not many people like me. even the select few people outside of my friend group who used to speak to me have completely rebranded themselves. its weird. it's like as soon as we entered sixth form, people suddenly started acting like poster children for maturity, as if they weren't throwing stones and food at me during lunch just 4 months earlier. anyway, as much as its a strange thing to be conscious of, i am very glad i no longer have to worry about the potential of being hit by flying objects. it makes me wonder about how much i've changed in the past year. obviously most people probably didn't intentionally start acting like adults, it was just a new chapter in our lives which definitely required some growing up, although most of the time now i just feel like i'm regressing. my mental health is absolutely awful, as it always is when i'm back at school. at least now i have home study periods and i get to do my favourite subjects, whereas beforehand, i definitely had no opportunity to sit quietly in the rec if i was feeling upset or anxious... and then i'd probably have to sit through science class or something. i honestly don't know how i did it. i guess A-level classes are a lot more hands on though, and require full attention, whereas in secondary school i could easily shrink into the corner of a room and allow the teacher to realise they simply have no time for me and then eventually decide i'll probably just be fine, which is the reason half of them still couldn't remember my name halfway into the year.

anyway, back to sixth form students, i just hate the feeling that i know everybody and they know me, and we get on just fine but still no one actually cares enough to want me to stick around. It's like i have endless acquaintances but no one wants to bother with me past that point. it's not like i'm being bullied anymore, it's weird to think that back when i was being bullied i literally had the most friends i've ever had in my entire life... and we actually did stick together for a good amount of time! lately i haven't really been speaking much in general and its reminding me of when the bullying was at it's worst, i never spoke to anyone in school other than my best friends, whether people were being nice or not, because i always assumed that no one wanted to talk to me or had the capability to be genuinely nice to me... everyone knew i was an easy target. people ended up thinking i was so rude and stuck up, which i understand, but in reality i was just terrified out of my mind of everyone. i remember once a girl in PE complimented my trainers, and PE was super hard for me and i was anxious as it was, so i immediately assumed that she was actually making fun of my shoes, so i just rolled my eyes at her and turned away, but luckily for me i think she caught on that people didn't ever compliment me out of the blue unless they were picking on me, so she was quiet for a minute and said "no, hvlfdoomed, i actually do really like your shoes, i'm serious" and i think i then thanked her, but i was so embarrassed. there are a few more instances similar to that. still to this day when i'm having a hard time i tend to completely shut down, which is kind of what's happening at the moment. i just feel like i don't belong anywhere, and i've been at this stupid school for so long that people already have different perceptions of me that might not be necessarily true, so no one really bothers. it's hard to tell whether people dont like me because i'm unattractive to men, queer, awkward, boring, too quiet, or what? i have no idea.

someone (i'll call her a mutual friend, because she was never interested in being friends with me anyways... but for some reason is still desperate for my approval and attention, despite never making the effort to even be nice to me in the first place) is really getting on my nerves with this at the moment... and coincidentally she was one of the people who bullied me lower down in the school for being queer. however, i know this doesn't excuse anything at all, but she was with a really awful group of friends at the time and lets be real, we were all stupid at the age of 13. so i decided that although i wouldn't necessarily forgive her (because obviously bullying anyone for anything at all is cruel and says a lot about your character in general, especially if it is over something they can't change), i would give her the benefit of the doubt, because i actually do enjoy when people don't act in the same way as they did when they were 13. anyways, its safe to say that plan backfired, because she looks at me like i'm some kind of predator, which honestly drives me insane because i don't have a clue why she thinks i want her... i don't even really like her as a friend and i'm sure the feeling's mutual. if the reason she gives me death glares every time i'm in the general area isn't entirely my unashamed queerness, it's probably my (ashamed) ugliness. or at least ugliness to her. not that i think i'm pretty in the slightest, but then how do you even define that? if we're defining beauty based on attractiveness to men then i immediately fail the test... but i've had other queer people tell me they think i'm pretty in situations where they wouldn't even feel obligated to, and sometimes i find myself almost believing them because i just feel like they have no reason to lie to me... and i'm not usually attracted to conventional people, so there's got to be people out there who agree right?

i think that's all for now, it's time to go watch netflix with my dad and then sit with my kitten.

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izlosingtheirmind · 2 years

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Losing a best friend of 15 years

I met you at the bus stop in 2nd grade in 2007. We instantly connected over video games and bratz dolls. We had ups and downs throughout our childhood. I wasn’t the nicest kid. I can’t tell you why. I think i just wanted to fit in. As kids, with the media they push on us, that was important to me. Fitting in. I’ve apologized for this so many times, but I’ll do it again, I am sorry I for every down we’ve had as children and I appreciate every up. We were children, and I am still sorry. I was happy we made it out as a team. School was a bitch.

In 2019, we had a sleepover planned. You were supposed to see my new house. I was so excited to show you. We grew up together and I wanted you to be a part of my adulthood too. We hadn’t hungout in so long. I was so excited. I even got the couch ready. You never responded to me, you never showed up to the sleepover. Over a year went by. I saw you posting in a hotel room with your new found friends & boyfriend. I still can’t understand what I did wrong to deserve that. But still, you meant a lot to me. I reached out anyway, expecting no response. Until I eventually got one. You blamed the ghosting on your mental health, but it’s hard to believe when you clearly had just found better friends for the time. I wonder who they even were or where they are now.

We reconnected, and things were just like they used to be. Though my trust was a bit broken, i wanted you in my life anyway. I poured my heart into you. You know my deepest secrets, my worst regrets, and everything I love. I never trusted anyone the way I trusted you. The way I confided in you. Despite a faint intuitive feeling that it was not genuine, i still decided to trust you. Our bond was that strong, i thought. We can overcome anything.

Florida. You were the only friend who came to visit me after I moved. We had so many plans to enjoy every second of the week you were visiting. We made a lot of good memories in that week, but I still felt something was off. I couldn’t understand what or why i felt like that, so i ignored it. Towards the end of your visit, you kind of just sat on the couch. You didn’t seem to want to hangout or make anymore memories. Why? I cried to my roommate (another very special friend of mine at the time) about it. I didn’t understand.

The airport. I forgot when your flight was, but I remember you waking me up, telling me when your flight was and me looking at the clock, knowing we wouldn’t make it. Still we tried. I dropped you off at terminal A. I began heading home to my apartment to get ready for a 3 hour drive to Tampa. This was the day my roommates brother had died a year earlier, and so it was a rough grieving period for him. We had plans to go see his mom and be there with her. You missed your flight and texted me. You were having an anxiety attack. I was faced with a really hard decision I had to make in a split moment. Be there for Taylor, who was grieving the loss of his brother, or go back to the airport to be with you through the intense anxiety. It wasn’t possible to merge the two. It wasn’t possible to cut myself in half and do both. I chose to be there for Taylor and his mom during this time. You called your mom, worked out a hotel situation. You tell me I abandoned you. I feel horribly, but I stand my ground for the decision I made, as it wasn’t made with any malice. I listen to my intuition and I tell you I think we need a break after all of this. You never respond. Over a year goes by.

I see a tik tok about Tarot cards you can color yourself. You love everything about Tarot. I send it to you, not expecting a response, just knowing you’d love to see that and maybe get yourself a deck. You responded. You missed me. I missed you. Maybe the break was necessary. Maybe this is what we needed. I told you I was sorry about the airport, and how I wished I could have been with you through that. I let you convince me Taylor brainwashed me into going with him. I realize and accept fully now that I made that decision on my own, and it doesn’t make me a bad person. But you made me feel like it did.

I move back to New York due to a mental health struggle. Florida doesn’t care much about mental health, and I had a public break hallucinating an active shooter. My roommate had to drive all over Daytona to find me. I left my dream job at Disney and moved back to NY for the sake of getting the help I needed. We start hanging out again, and it’s like we never had a break. Times didn’t change. We laughed the same, we talked the same, we connected the same.. at first. I always had an underlying feeling you were being fake nice to me. I come to find out that’s true later on. We’ll get there.

J. I don’t know if you know how I met him and I’ll leave that for him to tell you if he wants. I knew you went to the same college and I wanted us all to be friends. And so it was. Until he stopped talking to me more and more, until he never did anymore. He was dealing with a serious addiction and I can’t fault him for that. I was just happy he stayed in touch with you at least, and so I knew he was okay. I wasn’t sure if maybe I had done something and he cut me off on purpose, so I gave him that space I thought he wanted.

I really missed him and the connection we had and I asked you to talk to him, to see if he’d want to reconnect. To see if there was something i did, and how, or if I could fix it. You said you would. A couple weeks go by. I hear nothing in response. I decide to reach out to him on instagram. He explains his struggle, that I didn’t do anything to hurt him and wanted to be friends again. I was thrilled. We could all be friends again. But i always wondered why you never talked to him.. did you? And what ever happened when you did? And I always wondered why you never invited me to hangout with you both during that time… you were with him a lot.

Me and J get really close. I think a lot of this is due to how we met, and the things we’ve both struggled with. Things are good for a while. You, him and Katie I considered my best friends. And Lauren of course. I love my friends with my entire heart. Genuinely. Me and J go out a lot, since I was newly out of the closet & in NY, i wanted to get to know the queer scene since we are so lucky to live here. Most of it is in NYC as far as clubs and bars go. I had never gotten to experience much of that due to my mental illness taking my younger years from me. I was excited to do those things. I always wished you could come along, but you didn’t work and didn’t have the money. I wanted to pay for you, but it’s expensive. We still did things on our homey island though. We still made time for each other. When I had the extra cash, i happily helped pay for a drink or a meal. I wanted you to be in these memories. Sometimes, you would get upset if we hungout without you. Me and him both felt awful about you feeling that way. But in the back of my mind, i was a little confused. At this time you had met Shannon, someone you unprofessionally diagnosed as a narcissist and still claimed as your friend. You were with her a lot, and a lot of my messages to you went unanswered. I became scared. I was reminded of 2019. As someone with BPD, managing all of this is a challenge but I like to think I did so with grace. I worked with my therapist a lot about this. You didn’t go long without responding to me though. So this was not 2019 I reminded myself. We moved past that. I had to move past it. J did express he felt this way as well. I know he says he didn’t, but he did. We weren’t talking badly about you, we were just talking about why you seemed to make so much time for Shannon, this random new friend over us.

I wonder why you are still friends with her despite having these feelings about her. You go to the city with her, i ask why? Not really my business. I was curious either way. You tell me you are using her for your makeup portfolio. This rubs me the wrong way. You shouldn’t use people. I love makeup, so does J. Why not ask us to help? I didn’t ask this. But I did express to you that I didn’t feel comfortable being a part of the gossip about someone who wasn’t in the room to defend themself. You understood.

I become nervous. I remember the quote “don’t sit at tables where they discuss others, because once you get up, you’re the next topic”. I express this to you, and at the same time decide to finally confide in you about how 2019 made me feel. In a respectful way. You respond “I just landed a movie deal”. I am happy for you, but very upset that was your response to me opening up. I work on this with my therapist as it appears you are not willing to have a conversation about it.

There was one time we smoked in my car. You, J and I. He was talking about shannon. You and her were no longer friends. He was talking about how awful of a person she is, you were agreeing. This is just venting, i thought. This is okay. Until he brought up the plan to hangout with her and H, as a joke, and then tell you all about it when it was over. The whole time, my head was racing. There is no way? No way. My friends are not like this. The conversation continued, i stay try to stay as far out of it as I can. I later on text you both about how it made me feel and to not do it again. Not around me. You both understood. After this my trust was tarnished. I worked on it with my therapist. I decided with him to no longer confide in you as I was afraid you would use it against me.

I began doing shrooms which unfortunately caused me to relapse on kpins and xanax, my DOC. I stopped them quickly when I realized what it was doing to me. A couple months go by and I go to moonrise with my rave fam and J. I wished you were able to come. At moonrise I do acid, which was a great time. However i downward spiraled that week after. I got back on Monday and was tired. I wanted to see you and hangout and tell you all about it. You came over Tuesday and we made bracelets. You used my favorite bead that I was excited to use. The purple eye. You deserved to use it. Thank you for spending time with me. And you gave me snacks. You take the bead. Your bracelet was colorful and beautiful and you were so happy with it. That night was good.

The next day i relapsed again. I took over 12 klonopin. I barely remember that week. You sent me the sweetest message, about how much you love and cared about me. How i was so important to you. You even said I didn’t have to respond. I responded harshly, which I regret, but the intention wasn’t mean. In my past I have put a lot onto my friends as far as my mental illness goes. It caused me to lose a lot of people. Now that I’m grown up & have learned those lessons, i didn’t want to do that again. I texted you “whatever. i am falling back. Thanks for everything bye”. I said the same to J. don’t think i chose the right words, but i was so high. And it wasn’t a good high. It went bad. I was fighting my mom and everyone around me. You responded in a way I didn’t expect, but I can’t say wasn’t warranted. You tell me i dont appreciate anything good in my life. You block me. I text you from my moms phone in full emotion, i tell you i appreciate what you sent but I couldnt understand how that was the last straw, how I couldn’t redeem myself over a mistake. How you were there for J during all of his addiction and I slip up once and that’s it. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. It felt like you faked everything you ever said about caring about me and loving me. You tell me I’m fake, and you arent. You block my mom. The conversation ends.

I took more kpins and drink some beer in hopes it would kill me. I see J’s story of you both dancing and smiling while I’m simultaneously trying to end my life. My grandma calls the cops. Next thing you know I am in handcuffs on my way to cpep. They only keep me for the day and let me out. I’m home now, still high & trying to make sense of all of this. You were done with me.

Out of fear, i ended my friendship with J. Man, that stung and still does. I did it for me, because I knew how trio friendships worked. One always gets pushed out. I knew it would be me. And i knew J, the people pleaser he is, would feel caught in the middle. I didn’t want him to feel like that. I was worried you would kiss his ass and make my life hell. So i removed myself. I wanted you both to have a good friendship without me, i guess, fucking it up. He denies ever talking about the shannon thing and feeling replaced, but I remember it because we vented to each other about it. And im sure he remembers. I blocked him out of anger due to him lying about that, leaving me in the spotlight looking like a liar.

You both have me blocked. I’m working through this situation the best I can, trying not to be petty, trying not to resort to old habits. My friend asks me if me and you are friends, because she said she saw a post you made and wondered if it was about me since I had posted a quote about losing friends. It was a picture of you, captioned “i never liked you”.

My heart sunk. My intuition was right the whole time. You never really did care about me. It was all a lie. I knew it and I never wanted to believe it. As much as this hurt, it was validating in that sense. Now I know to trust my gut when it is telling me something isn’t right. The whole situation sucks and I never want to be friends again. But I hope you read this someday and I hope you hear it. You lied to me, you fucked with me and you hurt me. And the worst part is, i knew it the whole time and I gave the benefit of the doubt until your true colors showed. I hope you never hurt someone like this again.

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max1461 · 2 years

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the irony of my family adopting a “cut out the toxic people in your life” attitude wrt some of my irl friends who are admittedly imperfect. guess what! 1) imperfect =/= not worth having relationships with, and 2) by far the greatest source of conflict and anxiety in my personal life is my family. now, I love them and they love me, and I’m a fucking adult so I can handle relationships that are a bit of work. but in order to do that I need a support system, which primarily comes from my friends! so if I were to genuinely adopt that “cut out the toxic people” mindset, the only conceivable way to make it workable would be to cut you all out first because you are the ones who cause 90% of my headaches! cutting out my whole support system first is nonsense!

of course, my family says this because they imagine that they are perfectly sufficient as a support system for me. well, the fact that my mental health deteriorated to the worst it’s ever been during the period of the pandemic in which I was stuck with them 24/7, even after it had improved to the best it’s ever been during the preceding period of my life (college) in which I had the most outside support, should surve to prove that this is the opposite of the truth!

I love my family very much but they are very complicated, challenging people, and the idea that they are “the people I can most rely on” instead of like, my friend who is kinda moody sometimes or what ever is fundamentally ludicrous. they love me unconditionally but they have proven time and time again that when push comes to shove on anything major in life, their interests always come first. turns out I need people in my life who will back me, be on my side (in practice, not in condescending “I want what’s best for you” theory) just because they care about me. and as it turns out that is my imperfect sometimes moody friends. so fucking tired of having this discussion.

#personal #don’t reblog

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poormeowmeowcollector · 3 years

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We would name our children Jackie and Wilson

Relationship: Loki/Female Reader (Hozier did the gender first, don't @ me)

Warnings: Major Character Death, Mourning, mental health, alcohol.

Summary: Your relationship reminds you of a nice soft song. But things are not always so sweet.

Notes: this is part of a somewhat Collab with @lucywrites02, her part is done and can be found here, read it to soften the pain. I would say that I'm terribly sorry for the pain ahead, but I'm not. Meaning of the song can be found here, I used it for reference

Read On AO3

So tired trying to see from behind the red in my eyes

Loki fights for a deep breath.

It's just your face, you idiot. What are you afraid of? This mean voice from the back of his head asks.

They manage to draw a shaky inhale and puff it out, finally opening his eyes and staring at the reflection.

But those hateful crimson eyes staring back is too much, even though they look at them behind tears.

"Maybe another day…" he sighs and wears the illusion again. But the bloodshot eyes stay, this time not because of the Jötunn form.

No better version of me I could pretend to be tonight

For how long will you hide from the monster you are? This same voice asks in the dead of the night.

Once again, it's not mistaken.

"I can't walk amongst mortals like this. This illusion helps me avoid some of the staring," they respond. It's a beautiful lie, Loki almost believes it.

Still, it will break down. Like everything does.

This argument stays and torments him for the rest of the night.

Soul deep in this swill with the most familiar of swine / For reasons wretched and divine

Stark had suggested another night out on a bar. Loki usually declines, but comes to this one.

Soon enough, everyone is drunk and happy. Alcohol from Midgard is like a beverage for Æsir, and Loki can barely get tipsy. But Loki still decides to drink.

This period had some very successful missions, and the avengers are celebrating it by drinking. Little do they know that Loki drinks for a whole more different reasons…

She blows out of nowhere, a roman candle of the wild

It's late. Loki's surely past the tipsy phase, but still has control. So, they just sit on a bar and watch the others have fun.

"Would you mind some company?" you yell from a part of the crowd. Loki tries not to flinch, loud sounds do no good at him.

Then they see you, all smiling and beaming like a firework, drink in hand as you walk closer and point at a stool beside him.

They have to admit, you look ravishing.

"You're free to sit, if you want to," he smiles back and nods at the seat. You grin and slide there, placing your drink in the bar and having your attention to them.

"Are you not afraid someone might drug the drink?" Loki winders, eyes on the cocktail.

"Sitting beside an Avenger is safe enough, don't you think? And it's rubbish anyways, I probably won't finish it,"

Midgard has different communication patterns, and Loki's inability to catch up in time has made their silver tongue rusty and useless. But you make a conversation with him out of nowhere, like it's the most easy thing.

Laughing her way through my feeble disguise/ And Lord, she found me just in time

A few days later after the night out, the sparks of happiness you casted on Loki's heart have died out. But Thor insists that being out of the four walls of their chambers will do good to him, and Loki gives in. They wear an illusion to hide the mess that he is in and join Thor on their afternoon walk around for some food, mostly.

During the hours long conversation, you didn't mention that you work for Stark, in the Tower. They smile and call your name the sparks igniting inside his heart once again. It gets stronger when you give them this glowing smile and walk closer.

"Brother, will you mind if I get stolen for a moment?" he turns to Thor.

"Have fun, brother," he smiles before greeting you and leaving.

"You know, there's a nice coffee shop with a big tea collection, what do you think?" you beam, knowing it's an offer Loki cannot resist.

It's not far away, and truly a sweet little place, crammed between the offices. You order your drinks and settle on a table nearby. You give Loki the chair with the view on the passers by, sitting so you can only see them and the wall behind him.

"You didn't say you work for Stark," they hum, taking a testing sip of the dandelion tea that caught his attention.

"That's cause I work for the Avengers, technically, not Stark. Mission support agent, Romanov brought me here," you shrug one shoulder. Loki can't hide a smile, they always had a soft spot for humble warriors, for they're so rare on Asgard.

"Odd, I don't remember you in any field," he mutters.

"I haven't gone on a mission with you. I find it insulting for a God to be supported by someone who learned how to tie their shoelaces at age 12," you laugh. Loki doesn't share the enthusiasm for the 'joke'.

"You'll be the best support, if you ask me," they smile, and change the subject. And then, you throw this damned question.

"So, how are you doing?" you trail off.

"Just fine," he scoffs. You see through it like they're the worst liar ever.

"I know we're somewhere public, but you are allowed to be honest," your eyes scan him.

He takes a deep breath and makes an illusion of you and them just talking. Then, he lifts his own.

Your face stays almost unreadable as the green glow reveals the mess of them. Expect for the eyes that speak of sympathy.

Underneath the table, you cup his right hand, your thumb petting it. "If you want to, we can go somewhere more private. Your call,"

"Only you can see this. Don't worry, I'm not making a fool out of you," they laugh without humour, voice almost breaking. You now squeeze the hand.

"You'll have to actively try to make a fool out of me, your highness. It's your boundaries I'm worried about," the playful tone leaves you as you speak.

You've barely done anything, but Loki is already determined to kill for you.

Cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done / I need to be youthfully felt 'cause, God, I never felt young

"Forget it, I'm not doing it. It's stupid!" he tries hard not to yell at you.

"But it's going to be fun! Come on, you can cast an illusion if you're embarrassed. Didn't you have fun as a teen?" You grin, pleading for them to come.

Little do you know that the last question feels like a knife in the guts.

"No," he whispers.

"Okay then. I'll be there with Sam, you can pop up if you change your mind," you sigh. It takes some minutes for them to realise what you just said.

"Allow me to rephrase it. No, I didn't have fun as a teen, I had to prepare myself for the throne I wouldn't take. And… this park will do nothing but remind me what I've lost. I'm sorry but I can't come nor change my mind," he fights against tears as he talks, your eyes on them. You walk closer and cup one cheek, letting them rest their head.

"Society says that you must have certain experiences at certain time frames. It's wrong, especially for someone who will live for as long as you. There's always time to replace things you've lost, the question if if you'll do it or not,"

Loki gazes at you and takes a deep breath, in, holding it, and out. Almost like he's smoking the air.

"Fine. But don't force me to stay if it's too much," they smile weakly, but it's genuine.

"Have I ever forced you?" you grin and place your forehead against his. "And anything critical to your physical health doesn't count,"

They laugh before nodding a no, a small kiss being blown in your nose.

Lord, it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometime / Me and my Isis growing black irises in the sunshine

Out of all the things Loki expected his fallen heart to do, daydreaming was last on the list.

They're a realist, always have been.

But the image of him and you in a nice stone castle in the middle of the woods is too perfect to resist. How you two would wake up and sleep together, have no one and nothing to make you feel anything but bliss. The two Monarchs in your little kingdom of two residents

Norns, they haven't even talked to you about these feelings. And he's already scheming his retirement with you.

How are you doing this to them?

Every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside / We'd sit back and watch the world go by

"That's it, Laufeyson," he's glaring at the mirror, one finger pointing at the glass, "no more lies. Fuck those illusions and games and just say the damned words!"

They sigh and run their fingers through the hair, testing if the smell of smoke is still in there, after five sessions with the shower. He has noticed that you don't like the smell, when you keep some distance on his bad days. And stinking on a moment like this is the least they want.

"Alright… into the battlefield…" he conjures his weapon, a bouquet of black irises, your favourite flowers. They finally teleport themselves on the field, outside your door.

Goal of the mission: be vulnerable.

He rings the bell, fixing his already perfect posture before you open the door. This smile they know and love so much is on your lips.

"You didn't have to! Come in," you exhale, beaming as you make space for him to walk in.

They call your name, the tone making your smile drop. "I have to tell you something I've been hiding from you for a while…" he sighs.

You nod, the agent face on. A green shimmer makes the flowers rest in a vase on the coffee table, Loki's hands now free to pick on each other.

"I appreciate your friendship, more than you can ever imagine. You're the only person who has reached out to me like this for eons. But, my heart has started to yearn for more. I've fallen for you, hard. And I can't keep the illusion anymore," they recite, eyes scanning your unreadable face. You stay dead serious, making Loki's nerves eat him up.

"Took you long enough," you grin and bring them down to a kiss.

It's nice and warm and slow, one devouring the other while also offering the best you can. Then, a salty taste makes you break the contact and cup Loki's face.

"Love, why are you crying?" you whisper, wiping away the thin paths the tears have crossed. He hasn't even noticed he's been crying.

"You can't imagine how happy you make me… I love you," they whisper.

You barely have time to say anything before he pulls you into the tightest hug possible, tears streaming down to your shirt and those three words coming out of their lips again and again like a prayer.

Loki has no idea how many lifetimes he washed off within just one hug, but a weight they never noticed they carried was gone when you break the embrace and stare deep into his now puffy eyes.

"I love you too,"

She's gonna save me, call me baby / Run her hands through my hair

"I'm telling you, you have to be more careful in the missions. Yes, you are a God, but don't be so reckless," you groan as you rinse them with water and try to remove the blood and dirt from their hair.

Just the right amount of strikes, and he now can't lift his hands enough to wash his own hair. If you weren't so good at it, they would refuse to stoop so low.

"It was supposed to be abandoned. How would I know that it wasn't? I'm a God, not a prophet," he sighs, holding his sides. Even talking is making their scattered ribs pierce him… "And I did call you to save my arse, that's the exact opposite of recklessness,"

"If you say so. But what will I do if one day my baby comes home with something more than a wretched ribcage?" you laugh.

They try to answer but both the pain and the pleasure from your fingers on his hair, massaging his scalp with shampoo, are making his tongue a knot and his throat release one moan of pleasure after another.

She'll know me crazy, soothe me daily / Better yet, she wouldn't care

You walk through broken mirrors and scattered furniture, reached out to Loki, who's hiding their head between their knees.

You don't say anything, you just play with his hair. It's cold, much colder than usually. But you don't care.

"Leave, please. You'll get hurt," their voice is growly from the smoking but weak.

"Forget it. I'm not leaving you alone in this state," you declare matter–of–factly. A sound comes out of his throat, something between a chuckle and a cough.

They snap their head up, blue and scarred cheeks wet with tears and flaming red eyes with blue veins all over them drilling holes in you. "Do you dare say this in my true face? Declare that you care about a monster?" He spits, lips shaking as they try to hold back another crying fit.

You face stone, you grib his cheeks to stop them from breaking eye contact. "I am not leaving you alone like this, because I care about you and I love you. And, I don't give a fuck what others have made you think of yourself, you're anything but a monster," you keep your voice steady, trying to physically pin those words in his mind.

They sigh and lean against your hands, eyes closed and breaths slow as tears start rolling down his cheeks again. They turn to kiss your palm, now the rest of his body relaxing and hands bringing you close to a hug. "Thank you," they breathe out against you, the weakest of smiles forming slowly.

We'll steal a Lexus, be detectives / Ride 'round picking up clues

"Feet off or I'll chop them off and put them in the truck," you snap, eyes on the road as you try to find a place to park.

"Relax, it's not ours," Loki brushes off the threat. You sigh and park the car among some trees on the edge of the road, hoping no one will see it. He tries to mask it, like always, but you can see how the pain is making their features harsh.

"You can drop some spells, we're well hidden," you point out, watching as the pale skin starts melting and dark azure replaces it. Your skin crawls, you don't know if it's the cold or the awe. Loki breathes out, head resting back on the seat. "I didn't know the illusion is so painful," you think out loud.

"When running so low on rest, everything is painful. Now, where are those files…" they mutter and turn around, searching for the yellow case in the back seat. "Here. Do you have any idea?" he asks, giving you the file.

"I'll probably find something to milk. Now get that rest before you pass out on the field," you glare at them with that Look. He grins and nods before laying against the window, a thin layer of frost already forming.

Then, they start laughing.

"What's so funny?" you ask, not looking up from the report you're reading.

"Before I even talked to you, I had the honeymoon trip already planned in my brain, with too many versions to count. This wasn't even on the list," he straightens up and smiles. You laugh too.

"Well, it's not exactly as bad as you make it sound,"

"Norns, are your standards so low or are you so disappointed in me?" They raise one eyebrow.

"Neither, love. Now get rest before I have to knock you out," you smile through threatening him.

"Kinky, might try it later," they wink and lay back down, his breathing deepening some minutes afterwards.

We'll name our children Jackie and Wilson / Raise 'em on rhythm and blues

You're laying against them, smiling like an idiot as he runs a hand on your stomach and feeling this new anomaly.

"Are you sure?" you ask, watching a small wrinkle from between their brows.

"Yes. Two of them. Perhaps boys but I can't tell yet," he whispers, hand still resting there even though the spell is over.

"Twins… we will become parents," you smile, breathing out and laying against their shoulders.

Loki calls your name. You turn around and he rests his forehead against your own. "I love you so much, you know that? All three of you," they grin. You chuckle and close your eyes, accepting the kiss that's definitely coming.

"You know, we'll have to name them something," you point out after they break the kiss.

"Narfi and Vali," he's… quite fast on picking up the name.

"No way,"

"Why?"

You freeze. "It's silly…" you mutter.

They cup your face, glowing green eyes on yours. "It's bothering you,"

"It's the myth… how Narfi and Vali suffered in the myth because of your… because of Loki's mistakes… I don't want this to happen to the little guys," you sigh.

"Then, do you have to suggest another name while I'm trying to think of a second choice?" he smiles.

"It's even more silly," you giggle.

"At least it won't be your mythological dead kids,"

You take a deep breath. "Jackie and Wilson, from the song," you are ready to hear them laughing at you for the suggestion. But he just smiles.

"Jackie and Wilson…"

Cut clean from the dream that night, let my mind reset / Looking up from a cigarette, she's already left

Loki has no idea how long they've been staring blankly at the ashtray, the suit in front of him mocking him.

It's maybe the first time they're so hesitant about wearing all black.

It was supposed to be a small mission, nothing dangerous. You were supposed to be back, safe, within an hour.

You were supposed to raise your sons and retire in that castle in the middle of the forest.

Why was he so foolish to believe that he deserves a happy ending?

"You have to collect yourself. You have to say the farewell, a fucking thank you for all you've got from it, you coward!" they spit at the mirror opposite to them, hand tensing and breaking the cigarette in half.

A deep breath, in and out, a tight squeeze on the wedding ring hanging from his neck, and they stand up to put the damn suit on.

I start digging up the yard for what's left of me in our little vignette / For whatever poor soul is coming next

The funeral is over, the farewell has been said. But there's a small dinner coming afterwards.

Out of all the public appearances, this is by far the worse. Malevolence is something Loki has learned how to deal with a long time ago. But these eyes of pity are unbearable.

The strangers, probably reporters or Stark's acquaintances, coming to express their "condolences" are at least few enough to allow Loki to slip away to the bathroom.

He sits on the cold floor, this numbness drowning him. They hoped you had made it go away, but you just suppressed it. He wants to cry, to scream, to beg to whatever cruel Deity did this to bring you back. But their mind cannot give the order.

He takes your phone out, opening the music app and wearing your earphones. They press play on the last song you listened to, only to hear some familiar chords echo from the small device.

You were muttering this song all the time since you found out about the pregnancy, it's no wonder it's the last tune you listened to. But the upbringing melody of the song and the dark emptiness in Loki's heart are painfully opposite.

He sits there and listens to the whole song in silence, trying to milk some happiness out of it.

But they only manage to whisper along the last two lines, or an alteration of them. Just before he starts weeping at the tile floor until Thor finds him.

"We would name our children Jackie and Wilson, Raise 'em on rhythm and blues,"

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mrsmaddiebobaddie · 3 years

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MCYT High School Teacher AU

I don’t know if this has already been done but with student teaching on the brain this was invading my subconscious.

Phil: Principal

The most chill admin you’d ever find (He kind of has to be with the staff at the school)

Will let most things slide if you ask nicely

Has a quiet space in his office for students to take a moment to calm down after acting out. He’ll offer them candy and talk through the situation with them.

Started out as a counselor at the school, so he still holds a similar mentality when it come to talking with students and staff.

Always takes the side of his staff. The district is usually in the wrong anyway.

He knows the teachers are the experts, screw whatever requirements the state has, he lets them run their classrooms whichever way is best for the students’ learning

Technoblade: Literature & Composition

One of the most engaging teachers at the school

Most students love him because he’s real and he’ll tell it like it is.

Has a coffee machine in his room. It’s rare that he’s not holding a mug in his hand while he teaches

Has high expectations for his students

Rarely gets angry. Even when he’s upset he still comes across as calm.

Usually stays at the school late making sure to give the best possible feedback on papers and reports. He genuinely wants each kid to learn something from his class.

Tommy: Speech and Debate

It’s only his second year of teaching

The students would run the classroom if not for Tommy basically being a student himself

There’s a strong chance his class will be off topic at any given point. It’s always an adventure walking past his door, you never know what you’ll hear

Somehow still gets high scores on average from his students

Keeps students after class when he notices them struggling with school or life in general to talk with them. The conversations are always beneficial.

Will 100% fall asleep during professional development meetings.

Karl: Biology

Tries to act hip, fails most of the time.

Always has the most energy in his lessons, finds unique ways to teach the concepts other than slides and worksheets.

Usually the first one in the building each morning

Will give students different options for final projects so they can chose the best method of showing their evidence of learning.

Gets lower scores than he should on observations because he doesn’t do well under the pressure. One year Phil didn’t announce when he’d be coming in and watched from the door to give a more accurate review.

Wears a sweatshirt to class more often than he should

Quackity: Spanish

Hands on learning whenever possible

Uses the home ec. room to make authentic Mexican dishes with his students when they cover the food and restaurant unit

Will just forget that the kids don’t speak Spanish fluently and ramble on until someone interrupts him.

Slow grader, you get your scores when you get them.

Known to be a bit chaotic with his teaching style, it works for some kids but he does need to reteach certain sections every now and then

One time a kid feel asleep in his class so he had all the other students leave and they had class outside to freak the kid out (They were right outside the classroom window, he could still see the sleeper, he told Phil)

Skeppy: Algebra

Like’s his job, pretty much your average teacher

Can’t stand freshmen, but tolerates them since that’s half the students he has. He prefers teaching advanced algebra to upper classmen

His lessons are always formatted the same, starting with a lesson on how to do that days math, with the remainder of the period being free work time

Holds math challenges with his class and gives out prizes. It’s usually candy, though one time he gave out cash. He made his kids promise not to say a word about it.

Very good at teaching the same math concepts in different ways to help struggling learners

Always one minute away from being late for first period, but makes it just in time every morning.

Dream: Health/Football and Assistant Basketball Coach

Took the teaching job mainly to coach sports

Still cares about making connections with his students, he uses his class to teach life skills and promote positive social and mental health.

If any of his players are in his class he will pick on them. He has no mercy.

Dreads sex education because no one can be mature about it. He gets revenge by making the students film a “how to say no to sex” video with someone in the class.

His wheeze laugh is iconic. You can hear it from down the hall.

If you meet with him and are honest when you’re struggling, he’ll work with you to pass his class. He isn’t going to ruin your GPA over a project on the negative effects of smoking.

Wilbur: History & Geography/Theater

The teacher who sits on his desk when he lectures

Is very sarcastic with his students, but knows who can take the teasing and makes sure not to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

Prefers class discussion over solo work time, he likes hearing student’s perspectives and ideas.

Turtlenecks

One of the teachers most likely to be the crush of teenage girls.

Not afraid to mark you down for sloppy work. You use a black ink pen and draw precise lines when turning in maps and graphs or you redo it.

Speaks in musical references

George: Physics

The chillest teacher by far

Due dates? Don’t worry, he’ll accept an assignment literally months after it was supposed to be turned in

Makes difficult topics seems simple when he describes them

He doesn’t really care if you have your phone out in class as long as you’re paying attention and learning the material

The students straight up call him George, he doesn’t seem to care

Placing near the top for the most crushed on teacher

King of multiple choice questions

Eret: Economics & Government

Makes any student in his class feel welcome

One of few teachers who can lecture the entire period without students falling asleep. He always has interesting stories

Let’s kids chose where they sit

Freshmen are always caught off guard by his voice when they hear him for the first time

Spends too much of his own money on supplies for his students and classroom (Honestly most teachers have to spend their own money on necessary supplies, he just goes about and beyond.)

There’s always a group of students who eat lunch in his classroom

The Union Rep at their school, will fight tooth and nail for the staff members

Tubbo: Band Director

Super cheerful whenever he’s teaching

He rarely has any free time before or after school because he has so many one-on-one lessons and meetings with students

Likes to have practice outside when the weather is nice

Does his best to make his students feel comfortable and relaxed whenever he does performance based assessments.

He’s also a new teacher, but you honestly wouldn’t be able to tell

He will be in tik toks if you ask him to, and he’s familiar with all the pop culture trends

Let’s the students chose a song to play at the last band concert. Some years have been less chaotic than others, the worst (or best, depending on who you ask) being when the students voted to play Deja Vu from Initial D.

Fundy: Computer Science/Coding

Begins each class with a cheesy computer joke. Every class.

Everyone knows you can’t get anything past him technology wise. He can see that headphone in your ear from across the room.

Isn’t afraid to assign extra work when students are disrupting class

Once took up an entire class period showing his students how he coded different difficulties in Minecraft. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he plays the game in his spare time.

About half the students in his class aren’t really interested in computers, they just want to have him as a teacher since everyone says he’s cool.

Known to hack school computers to bypass restrictions

Sucker for pizza parties. Has at least one per semester

Sapnap: PE/Basketball Coach

Hella competitive

Abuses his power of having a whistle. Someone should really take it away from him

Gyms shorts every day. Even in the winter. Sometimes he wears sweats, but never jeans.

Doesn’t let anyone sit out of activities

Tries to set up fun tournaments for each activity they do, makes sure to balance the teams so no one has too much of an upper hand.

He’s usually the teacher who mans detention, he tries to make it as positive as it can be though.

Keeps extra sets of gym clothes to give to students who forgot or can’t afford to buy them

Schlatt: Calculus and Stats/Business

You either love him or are terrified of him

One of the only teachers who can have an “aggressive” teaching style and still connect with students

You will learn something from his class, he makes sure of it.

Doesn’t accept late work unless you have a really good reason why you couldn’t turn it in

Wears a tie every day

If another teacher needs a last minute sub during his prep period he’ll cover them. Doesn’t matter what subject, he can wing it

He was the reason the school started offering business studies as an elective due to some vague threats towards the district

Niki: Art/German

Teaching voice is so soft

You can’t tell whether or not she’s giving you constructive criticism because everything she says sounds so positive

Let’s her students lead learning for the most part, she will cover topics that most interest them while still trying to hit the district required standards (luckily teaching electives gives her a bit more freedom with her curriculum)

Her classroom always smells lovely

Will bring in homemade goodies each Friday for the staff room

Holds art galleries at the end of each semester to show off the arts since they often go unappreciated. It has turned out to be a super popular event for students and staff.

Bad: Special Education

This man has endless patience. It’s crazy

Even after the longest days when none of the students are cooperating, he still has a smile on his face

If he hears cursing in the halls he will call you out in front of everyone. Teachers included.

Makes sure to keep a list of all his students favorites so he can surprise them with gifts on their birthdays or around holidays

He works closely with the other teachers to make sure his kids can be as involved in general education as possible.

Always wears something fun, be it a tie, socks, shirt, or even a full outfit. His students love seeing what new wacky garment he’ll be wearing that day.

More Head Cannons

If someone brings food for the staff room Tommy WILL take it. Sometimes he’ll come back for seconds, there will be none left by the end of the day. He’s not as bad as Skeppy though, who will literally pack it up to take home for later.

For the past few months the staff members have been receiving anonymous email chains with photoshopped pictures of each other. Everyone was sure Fundy was behind it, Eret thought he saw him teaching his students how to use the program by editing their favorite teachers into stupid situations (they’ve all been school appropriate of course). Fundy did in fact start it, but now so many other teachers have joined in that it can’t be traced back to one person anymore.

All the teachers love going to sporting events. They’ll join in with the student section to cheer on the teams. If they know there’s a kid who doesn’t have family that will come to watch them they’ll make shirts with that players number to show support for them.

Wilbur, Niki, and Tubbo work together on musicals. Niki does the sets and costuming, Wilbur directs, and Tubbo leads the pit. There are plenty of long nights during tech week that devolve into chaos (especially when Niki isn’t there)

Spirit week is very intense, to say the least. The teachers are assigned a grade to be advisors to, and they get into it. For the duration of the week they practically become rivals with whoever isn’t in their assigned grade. They’ll pull pranks on each other constantly, especially when the students can see. It’s all playful of course, but it gets the kids more excited about spirit week when they can support their teachers and watch the amicable rivalries carry out.

Technoblade once joked that he knew every detail about every classic novel. His students took this as a challenge, and tried to find the most obscure and specific trivia questions they could ask him. He has yet to be stumped.

Dream and Sapnap had a running streak of about four weeks where they made everything into a competition. Who could enter their grades into the computer fastest? How many cups of coffee did they drink that day? Who got to school first that morning? There was a tally board in the staff room and the teachers had a betting pool going. Phil finally ended it when they accidently broke the school’s copier trying to see who could scan the most documents in five minutes. Dream was ahead by three points, Sapnap never lived it down.

In service days are incredibly boring, so the staff tries to make those days a bit more entertaining. They order in pizza or sandwiches for lunch. Since there aren’t any kids in the school they’ll do everything they’re no supposed to, like racing office chairs down the hallways and blasting non-school-appropriate music in their classrooms.

Wilbur accidentally started a black market of sorts when he took all the new whiteboard pens from the supply closest. He used this to his advantage, getting people to do him favors in return for the good supplies. When Dream found out he not-so-jokingly threatened to slowly steal everything from Wilbur’s classroom until he released the pens. The next day the closet was replenished once more

Quackity and Tommy are co-emcees for the school assemblies. They hold class competitions between the grades, including spirit chants and ridiculous games. Think minute to win it style, but way crazier. Everyone gets super into it, the upperclassmen usually win. The two have good chemistry and a fun energy.

George has a unit where students make bottle rockets and launch them outside on the soccer field. And every year Karl brings his class out to watch claiming that “it’s science, I teach science, I’ll have them write a paragraph about what they learned”. Really he just wants to watch rockets go brrr

For Schlatt’s birthday one year, Wilbur and Techno printed off shirts with his face on it for all the staff to wear. Schlatt was super confused when he came into work and all his colleagues were walking around with his face plastered across their chest. He got back at Wilbur for it by putting salt in his coffee for a week straight, but Techno never got his comeuppance. It’s debatable whether Schlatt just didn’t know he was in on it, or if he knew better than to mess with Techno.

Lesson planning and curriculum building is quite the process. Some departments can stay on task better than others. Schlatt and Skeppy get in, plan out the term, and get out. The math department has everything on lock. Social studies are also pretty good at getting pre-planning done. They tend to spend most of their time having discussions that aren’t necessarily related to the tasks at hand though. The English department is a mess. It’s really Tommy who’s a mess, he just projects that onto everyone else. Karl and George work well together to map out science curriculum. Even though teachers who teach electives aren’t required to collaborate with each other, they still get together and bounce ideas off each other and get feedback.

I have plenty more if people want a second part. I also only listed the MCYTs that I’ve watched enough to know their personalities at least a little bit, but if you wanted to see another person I may expand the staff list!

#minecraft youtubers #dream team #sleepy bois inc #dream smp #high school teacher au #teacher au

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harmonyandriley · 2 years

Text

Mark Anthony Ward

To : Newstips

From : Mark Anthony Ward

[email protected]

To : [email protected]

Date : 18th January 2022. 19:04

Hello sir/madam.

I don't have a story for you as such rather a series of events occurring during a fourteen year period that involves Keir Starmer and the Metropolitan Police silencing me and depriving me of access to justice because I launched a joint civil action against the Metropolitan Police with my partner Leann to expose the arrangement of the theft of children from families to deter investigation into the Metropolitan Police corruption.

I have been silenced deprived of access to justice misrepresented and terrorised and forced to isolate for fourteen years away from friends family and my occupation prospects have been abused by fabrication of evidence.

youtube

My physical health is being dismantled along with my mental health but I can prove that I am honest and genuine I will be totally honest transparent accountable and open and engaging about what the Labour party has done to myself my then future wife Leann and Harmony and Riley our children.

This is not about money this is about the truth about corruption and the manipulation of the Great British judicial process.

I honestly don't have any alternative but to reach out to you thanks for your time.

Mark Anthony Ward.

[email protected]

harmonyandriley.tumblr.com

Live at the Apollo star Keir Starmer put on a comedy in Parliament today in PMQ's.

Rules that bind the Director Of Public Prosecutions including restrictions on contributing to the arranged theft of children via fabrication of evidence apply to Keir Starmer so why did you break the rules Keir Starmer.

I also notice Ellie Reeves is your shadow justice minister being responsible for Lewisham West & Penge she ensured a cover up of evidence colluding with the Metropolitan Police when our client Dean was sexually assaulted and beaten up at Crystal House Care Home in Croydon Road Penge.

Bearing in mind your Labour party politics Social services from Greenwich fabricated evidence to remove Dean from his home in the first place and the leader of Lewisham council who I personally exposed for facilitating the abuse of the homeless people in Lewisham that led to my participation in the filming of a BBC Panorama documentary ran away to the London Mayor Office where she resides to this day next to the man who briefed you on legal cases Sadiq Khan the London Butcher what does that say about you.

It says you are very careful but simply not good enough to evade a detective who is coming after you because you authorised the theft of his children.

It says you keep those who collude with you close and believe in promoting the corruption that shields you I say you can't track every gun in London and you can't track every person who is waiting for the right moment to put a bullet in you or those you care about.

One way or another you are running out of time and what you have done to my Leann and Harmony and Riley can easily be reciprocated and I couldn't care less what you think justice is coming for you.

You should sit down tonight with your family and explain to them the shit you have put others through is coming home to all of you.

Finally in polls conducted with the public Lewisham is voted the worst council to live under and the most depressing and under resourced borough in which to live that is because the Labour party politics are fuelling unforgivable deprevation.

You reward continuously this failure with the most prominent positions within the opposition and the reason you do that is because Lewisham is also the home of formerly the largest Police station in Europe and that is why you promote the Metropolitan Police corruption directly to derail my enquiries about corruption that implicates you and Sadiq Khan.

The most concentrated derailment of access to justice is coming from the Greenwich Lewisham & Bexley jurisdiction of the Metropolitan Police corruption and they have been instructed by you to ensure that Great British children and their families are persecuted to facilitate your political ambitions.

Your children are the children of a worthless child thief who utilises the Metropolitan Police corruption and the Social services and the Prison and Probation services and the Crown Prosecution Service to facilitate the fabrication of evidence that deprives people of access to justice and steals young disabled adults and gets them beaten up and sexually assaulted.

You also interfere in my social enterprise Harmony & Riley Potential Realised terrorising the people we support and misrepresent us and our work.

You are a the most corrupted and useless worthless shameful and pitiful creature of the law.

The Metropolitan Police corruption you try to shield yourself behind ran away from a Crown Court trial and wouldn't face me because you were going to be exposed by myself Mark Anthony Ward and then you used my children as human shields.

For fourteen years.

Sir Keir Starmer guess what you really are.

You're a criminal.

You spoke about the Queen in parliament today how she suffered the day before her husband Prince Philip's funeral firstly you were disciplined by the leader of the house Sir Lindsay Hoyle because we do not insult the Royal family by dragging them into parliamentary discussion which proves you are ignorant.

Secondly you suggested the abolition of the Royal family in the past so you are insincere and arrogant.

You feign compassion for our 95 year old Queen Elizabeth thinking you can represent her emotions and feelings regarding her loss and you would dismantle her family that is the truth.

You have tried to dismantle my family and rest assured your family is getting dismantled first.

Mark Anthony Ward @ Harmony & Riley Potential Realised

#Vimeo #Youtube

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summerdazegobye · 3 years

Text

Journal Entry - October 1st, 2021

It’s now October and I can feel 2021 quickly slipping away. This time of year always brings about reflections for me. It’s interesting that in the fall, time seems to pass more quickly than it did in the spring. The summer flew by too, perhaps because I was enjoying it.

This year started out really rough and I had predicted that the rest would be much of the same. To my surprise, the first quarter of this year was the low point and my life has improved drastically since then. In January this year, I caught covid at my job, during my first week back after working from home for nearly 9 months. Needless to say, I was pissed and that incident later led me to quit my very good paying job. I recovered from covid with a new appreciation and perspective on my health. Covid changed how I smelled, tasted and desired. The processed foods I grew up eating no longer appealed to me. I couldn’t bare to eat it anymore. The only thing that my stomach could handle was more natural foods, like fresh produce. It’s sparked an awareness of my horrible relationship with food, something I’m working on everyday.

Post-covid, I was struggling to stay afloat mentally. I was trying to balance working full time, taking graduate classes, conducting tele-therapy with children as an intern for the first time ever with no experience, and being a human with needs, desires and relationships. This was honestly the worst semester of school I’ve ever experienced. To make matters worse, in February, my sweet lil ferret Nova got hit hard with cancer and we had to put her down. It was very sudden and one of the most painful experiences I’ve been through. Nova meant the world to me. She had the brightest soul. The kind that would change the entire vibe when she scampered in the room. She was also so sneaky too. I’ve come to cherish the moments I had with Nova and I so very much appreciate the time we had together. Like all horrible things, there was some positives to take away. Nova’s death sparked a birth in me. I renewal of life. She taught me what was truly important in this world. Grieving my precious ferret baby allowed me to release all that I can’t control. Since then, my spiritual journey has taken off and I’m more aligned with my soul and purpose than ever.

As the months progressed, I finished my second semester of graduate school with much relief. It was a difficult semester and I took a very needed get away to the mountains of NC, on our annual family vacation. This yearly trip consists of the people in my life that are so close, they might as well be family. It was a great time full of love, good food and a healthy dose of mind-altering substances. This trip is particularly significant to me because of the relationships that were formed and the conversations that later led me to important personal discoveries. My mountain adventure was the start of a fun-filled summer that involved lots of self-reflection and growth, traveling and learning how to release things that no longer serve me. By June, it was very clear to me that my job was not in alignment with my higher purpose and was only a means on income. It had become a place where I had been disrespected so many times, in the most subtle ways. And I let it happen because I could always ration that the money was worth it. I thought good money was worth being told I wasn’t allowed to share my opinions because they were different or that I should wear a bra because I was a distraction to my coworkers. This experience was brutal and degrading, but I’m honestly so thankful for it. I will let this story stand as a reminder that nothing is worth trading my self-respect. To this day, I am still so proud of myself for standing up for myself and quitting that job.

The rest of the summer was a haze of freedom, good times and genuinely living my best life. It was the first time in my life since I was 14 that I didn’t have a job or any responsibilities. I had the time, space and energy to pursue whatever I desired, and boy did I discover so much about myself. I became obsessed with spiritual/personal growth and took some deep dives in my own shadow. I focused on simply existing and let myself follow whatever came up for me. This magical period abruptly ended by the start of classes mid-August. I wasn’t ready to give up my time and energy for an institution I felt had already failed me. And it was quite a rough transition. I found myself having lots of sad days again. As a social work masters student, it was very apparent that the systems that are in place to ‘help’ people are the very thing that creates obstacles and stressors. I don’t see an effective way to fix the systems so I feel like the only solution is to dismantle them and create more effective ones. It seems silly to me, like we’re sweeping the floor wearing muddy boots. There’s no point. Yes, of course these people need help and we should do what we can to assist them. However, if we all focused on creating a better world and society, I know we’d be able to thrive. Anyways, that’s a whole other conversation for another day.

Fast forward and it’s now October 1st. I still feel trapped by school but I’ve adjusted to my new schedule and I’m able to have meaningful experiences that don’t make each day suck. I’m excited about the future and feel confident that I can create the life I want and enjoy. I know that I can shape my reality by speaking my intentions and desires to the universe. I feel intrinsically connected to the collective consciousness. I’m amazed at how things seem to just work out for me, which is a stark contrast to how I felt about most of my life until this point. I find it quite comical how powerful we are as human beings and I’m excited to continue to develop as a soul and energetic being. I’m excited about the new experiences I haven’t had yet and the downloads I’ve yet to receive. Life is scary and daunting but also so very beautiful and exciting. I’m so very grateful for this life.

#reflection #self-acceptance

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timerogued · 3 years

Text

JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH.

TW for mental health, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, the lot.

jack’s official and clinical diagnosis were not completed until he was around the age of 24 but has suffered from the symptoms of his illnesses for as long as he can remember. his diagnosis was done professionally first by counsellors at his workplace, then by a doctor, and finally by a clinical psychologist. in his official notes jack is described as high functioning which comes into play a lot - this will be talked about a little bit later on.

his diagnosis are: clinical depression, anxiety (generalised and minor social anxiety), and minor psychosis. with reference to his psychosis, he has not had it checked out or determined as much as the other two so his counsellors are unsure if his psychosis is there because of his depression (which can develop if not treated correctly) or because of other underlying causes - aka. because of everything he has seen playing around in his mind and developing the psychosis on its own. ( psychosis can develop on its own but is more common under depression ).

DISCLAIMER: DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND PSYCHOSIS AFFECTS EVERYONE IN DIFFERENT WAYS. I WILL BE EXPLAINING / EXPLORING JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH THROUGH MY OWN EXPERIENCES, MY OWN DIAGNOSIS, &. RESEARCH OF THESE CONDITIONS.

DEPRESSION: the main symptoms that jack suffers with are bad self-esteem, constant manic-to-depressive episodes, lack of motivation, suicidal thoughts / suicidal tendencies, being irritable / sensory overload (which falls into his anxiety too), a lack of appetite, and a disturbance of sleep.

SELF ESTEEM: this does not just focus on appearance but also extends to having bad self-esteem about everything he does. jack can often be heard mumbling “i can’t do this” to himself and can slip through in conversation if his anxiety about something is high - and can be about absolutely anything. depending on how bad his days are he can feel like this about minimal things - ie getting changed, making food. if he drops a glass of water this can set him off because “fuck, i can’t even do this right!” it can also mean he has pre-thoughts about doing something. he’ll expect the absolute lowest of outcomes when doing work, food, anything.

on top of this he’ll often apologise for anything. remarks of “i’m sorry it’s not great”, “sorry i’m like this”, “sorry for being a downer all the time” with no prior conversation on the matter. this leads to an eager / want to please his peers and often doesn’t realise he’s doing it.

his self-esteem about his appearance does not affect him as much as it used to but small things still linger. when looking at a mirror he��ll often just stand in silence at his reflection - analysing everything about his face, an acceptance that he’s “alright looking” and will follow with a defeated sigh. however, he’s learnt to control himself from doing this and so-often will say a compliment to himself.

jack has learnt to almost deal with most of his problems. it’s not an acceptance or change about them but deals and carries on his life feeling like shit. he can often feel uncomfortable when in public or even at home when wearing the wrong type of clothes. ( self-esteem about his face includes the shape and the fact he always has dark circles around his eyes. he’s more inclined to hate his body - including his scars and the fact that he’s not exactly “in-shape”. again, he’s learnt to deal with this ).

to carry on with being uncomfortable, jack can be very hit and miss about compliments. someone has to be persistent for him to “accept” what they’re saying, but too many can draw too much attention to him and can make him extremely uncomfortable. if you want to compliment jack, don’t be too forward but be soft. he’s more likely to say thank you about it!

MANIC TO DEPRESSIVE EPISODES: when jack is manic he’s still depressed but takes a twist on it all; there’s laughter and jokes about what he’s suffering with. during these episodes he’s more likely to be accepting that his mental health is being ridiculous but will often follow them with a shrug. eg. “hey i feel like i want to die but whatever who doesn’t anymore lol”. this can cause adverse reactions on those around him - you are more than welcome to call him out and tell him it’s making you / the muse uncomfortable.

but be warned: once he comes out of his manic state it’s straight back into being depressed - but it shoves him right down to the bottom. he will mentally “beat himself” up for what he has said / done during these. this is a period when his low and irritable mood will be at full effect. this does not happen every day and he will tell when he feels like it’s about to happen.

MOTIVATION: there will be days / weeks at a time where jack will have minimal motivation. he will still do things due to him being “high functioning”. high functioning is defined as suffering with these issues and feeling the full effect of them, but still be able to go about their day. with jack, this affects him in the way of: he’ll still do things he needs to but gets little to no satisfaction from completing the tasks.

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS / TENDENCIES: he likes to believe he’s past his suicidal thoughts but during bad nights they will come flooding back. he does not act on them. suicidal tendencies come through with a lack of self-care: crossing roads without looking, looking for rushes that could potentially kill him, a willing to sacrifice himself without a second thought.

sometimes he can be irritable and suffer with sensory overload - this means he can often come across as nasty but he won’t act on it. he’ll probably just warn you that he’s not feeling great and any anger that comes from him is because of that. he will never take anything out on another person.

APPETITE: he has very little. he’ll eat one to two meals a day with occasional small snacks if necessary. he can and will go days without eating because he just doesn’t feel hungry or, due to a lack of motivation, can’t be bothered.

disturbed sleep and insomnia come under the psychosis diagnosis more than the depression but he has no average sleep. sometimes he’ll be out for an entire day, other times he’ll have breaks of being asleep, but more often than not he’ll find himself up until the early hours of the morning and surviving on 3 or 4 hours - then sometimes not sleeping at all.

PSYCHOSIS: this can be determined as its own diagnosis or as an episode. jack’s still hasn’t been completely determined. an episode can be anything from only suffering with it once, to consistent suffering that could last years. psychosis has been defined as a “lower schizophrenia” and medically has been linked to the eventual development of the condition - however that is not all cases. jack suffers with: hallucinations, paranoia, and confused disturbed thoughts / speech.

HALLUCINATIONS: jack’s hallucinations are limited to shadows / silhouettes of objects or people and can often be seen as things rushing past him. hallucinations can include hearing voices that are not there which jack also suffers with. these voices used to affect him more but after much training and accepting that the voices aren’t there, he’s getting used to them. a big thing about jack’s hallucinations is knowing that they’re part of his mental health issues which grounds him big time. this does not stop them from happening and on certain days could affect him more by causing them to be more realistic or the belief that they’re there to hurt him.

DISTURBED SPEECH & THOUGHTS: disturbed speech and thoughts is when someone will switch topics during conversations or lose their train of thought during a conversation and can bring it to an abrupt pause. jack does both of these. as with everything else, it’s something he’s learning to control, but during bad episodes (manic, depressed and even affecting with his anxiety) it could appear more frequently. how to know when jack does this is that he’ll often say “uhh where was i going with this” or “shit. what was i gonna say?” literal seconds after knowing. he will give absolute no warning when switching topics. he cannot help this.

his depression / psychosis can be affected by the change in seasons. this is called seasonal affective disorder (abb. sad). his psychosis is worse at night which results in him not sleeping and will lead to extreme paranoia when he’s out in the dark. things he will be paranoid about is seeing people / shadows around him and thinking that they’re out to get him. when he’s in bed he can often see these faces come right up to him and he believes if he doesn’t wake up in time they’ll get him. there’s always the anxiety that something is behind him. behaviours he’s picked up from this is anything from double-checking an area he knows is safe, a build-up of anxiety around opening doors, and having to close windows / curtains at night for the fear that he will see something ( he often does ). this can cause nightmares and they can become very visual due to everything he’s seen from work / the streets / his mutant ability.

ANXIETY: anxiety disorders can be different for everyone and can randomly be triggered. for most people anxiety can be physically and mentally draining which untreated can develop into anxiety and depression. to jack, this is his worst disorder that he suffers with because he can’t deal with the symptoms. there are two aspects of an anxiety disorder: the physical symptoms ( panic attacks etc ) and the mental symptoms. jack mostly suffers with the physical aspects but can feel the full mental side of them too. due to his anxiety being untreated for a long period of time he also suffers from minor social anxiety.

PHYSICAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: jack feels like he’s always full of energy. this energy can come from excitement or happiness but can quickly turn into a panic attack if untrained. people can often find it difficult to separate anxiety attacks from genuine excitement ( i suffer largely from this ). this causes him to be restless and hyper-fixated on things going wrong around him. time can seem to slow down and during panic / anxiety attacks he feels like there’s focus on him and him alone. this will stop him from doing anything.

this can trigger for no reason. there will be random worry about anything - but it is more likely to happen when in a social situation. jack does not take medication for his anxiety (or anything) but drinks to “calm his nerves” before doing certain things. he is not reliant on alcohol. however, this can affect his depression the next day and turn into an endless cycle.

his panic attacks start with a twist-feel in his stomach before becoming restless in his legs and arms - usually shaking. this then turns to his breathing which becomes rapid and difficult to control, which then leads to his heart beating uncontrollably - when your chest hurts during a panic attack this is usually the reason. ( panic attacks can be confused with heart attacks - that is how serious the feeling can be ). these can last from a few seconds to at least 10 minutes. after a panic / anxiety attack jack will be very much on edge and anything could cause another. he can have up to 10 a day.

MENTAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: having the boundless energy locked inside of you can cause extreme mental issues. it’s exhausting. anxiety can cause different reactions in different people, some can get angry, others upset. jack gets upset and will cry. this then makes him feel awful for the rest of the day. he’ll get migraines which in turn can make him more exhausted and his depression can be worse as a result of that. after an episode of panic jack will be extremely vulnerable depending on the situation. as he’s got older he’s been able to have one and go “okay that was an inconvenience. anyway” and continue on; this may not happen all the time.

he’ll often feel like a failure for having them, which in turn feeds his self-esteem and so the cycle continues on.

SENSORY OVERLOAD: sensory overload occurs when one or more of the body's senses experiences over-stimulation from the environment. it is more common with people who suffer anxiety and autism - however i can only speak for the anxiety side of it. bright lights, loud noises, they’re part of sensory processing issues that can be a key part in one’s anxiety. my own personal sensory processing condition means i cannot look at certain lights without me triggering an anxiety attack and if in the facility of a loud noise i will have an anxiety breakdown. jack also suffers with this but not to a high extent. loud noises can set off his anxiety but will not push him into an anxiety attack. however, constant subjection to them can have a serious impact on his mental health.

HIS MUTANT ABILITY: the sensation he has after activating his power is extremely similar to a panic / anxiety attack, and could actually trigger one if he is not focussing properly. during times of extreme anxiety it can set his mutation off and could send him somewhere in time he doesn’t want to be and if he doesn’t calm down - he might get stuck there for a while.

jack has seen many things with his mutation; whether it be for his job or normally, he’s seen a lot of death and has seen things happen that he cannot stop from happening. this can, and has done, trigger a mass depressive episode if bad enough.

sometimes his anxiety can work in his favour. jack is terrified of arriving late, doing something wrong, not submitting things on time - this does mean that he’ll be up to 15 minutes early before things, submitting things hours before they’re due, and making sure that everything he is doing is right (don’t get me wrong, this also affects him because if it’s not perfect then i can’t do anything right - feeding back into his self-esteem). in his own words: “hey it may cause me to have a mental breakdown but at least i did what i needed to!”

jack will see his mental illnesses in a humorous light and is extremely open about them. he’ll make / share jokes about what he suffers with - this can lead to suicide jokes so if you’re uncomfortable, tell him. he believes if he can’t make a joke about this then he’s not really moving on / accepting what he suffers with and ultimately can defeat him and is why he’ll make light of a situation ( even if it is inappropriate. because he’s an idiot ).

#wanted to geeeeeeeeeeeently place this onto here #as jack's mental health is SO damn important to me #and how i portray him!#so give this a read if you'd can <3 #mental health tw #anxiety tw #psychosis tw #depression tw #suicidal thoughts tw #headcanon.#ooc. » minoan enthusiast.#ask to tag :)

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atreya300 · 3 years

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Slenderman and Creating Real Tulpas

I remember a couple of years ago finding out about Slenderman. It was so creepy that I looked into it a lot, especially when I heard the theory about Slenderman being a Tulpa. As if he wasn’t creepy enough just by being a made up story on the Internet, kids were killing other kids, or stabbing other kids, in order to “please Slenderman”. Clearly a game that they had invented and taken deadly seriously.

A Tulpa is an intended hallucination which can be sentient and have its own thoughts and personality. It is (according to the Tulpa Community, but not, I may add, folkloric legend) only seen by the person who created it, who has done so by prolonged periods of thinking solely about what the tulpa looks like, talks like, moves like etc, thus developing, in essence, another person who is sharing their body and mind, but functions as a separate personality. We know of lucid dreaming, as I have often done it myself. We’re aware that our brains are more than capable of producing extremely real and vivid hallucinations.

So is it entirely impossible that if enough people all put enough thought power into the creation of the same, singular individual, that a tulpa could be formed which could break free of the constraints of individual minds and be a person all of its own, with its own free will and the power to manipulate others? I believe it is possible. Call me crazy. My tin foil hat is firmly in place. It’s hilarious really when you consider that I laughed down the Flat Earthers, yet here I am saying that it’s possible to create an imaginary friend who can turn into a mind-bending, master manipulator.

I didn’t have many friends growing up. So I was one of the kids who didn’t mind admitting that I had invented an imaginary friend. His name was Bill and he was based off of Bill from ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ because I was obsessed with that movie. I would talk to him whilst walking home from school alone, ask him what he would do in my place during different situations that I was struggling with and he always had an answer that I imagined. I would say, “Bill, do you think [insert boyfriend name here] is a dick?” and in my head he would instantly say, “Hell yeah he is, you need to dump his ass!”. Of course, I never once thought that I had created another person. It was my imaginary friend. In my head. Made up by me. Well, me and Alex Winter. His instant “responses” was just my own subconscious mind telling me what I really, truly felt, without having to consciously think about it.

Having perused the Tulpa Community it seems to be an extremely dangerous rabbit hole. For one, what they are describing as “tulpas”, at best, mostly seem to be an adult version of an imaginary friend and at worst, a real mental health issue, possibly Dissociative Identity Disorder which is incredibly serious and is being passed off as something that is perfectly normal and almost a uncommon achievement to be able to create a tulpa, rather than the reality which is that there is real medical and psychological help out there for cases such as DID and it should certainly not be explained away as a deliberately induced imaginary friend who will solve all your problems for you. Passing it off as such could potentially make the case even worse. I’m not a psychologist. I’m just using common sense. If you cultivate something, it grows.

So. I have made a decision that I don’t buy into the Tulpa Community. There are also a lot of comments on YouTube videos and forums that are quite blatantly people who are full of absolute shit and others who are just clearly attention seeking. I thoroughly enjoyed the brilliant sarcastic responses to those comments.

Now let’s get serious (ish). Bear with me. Let’s get back to the theory of many people being able to collectively produce a tulpa.

As I said before, I became obsessed with Slenderman. I watched videos (all of Marble Hornets), read newspaper articles, looked at pictures, read stories, until he became my every waking thought. After a week and a half I developed sensations such as paranoia, racing heart, dizziness and the feeling of constantly being watched by something just out of the corner of my eye. I began having horrific nightmares and would wake up drenched in sweat. I stopped being able to lucid dream and wake myself up and was forced to play out the nightmares, helpless. It got to the point where I didn’t want to sleep. The times that my boyfriend had blessedly snored loudly enough to wake my conscious brain, I sat up in bed, exhausted, trying desperately to keep my eyes open and not fall back to sleep. Every shadow in the bedroom seemed to resemble Slenderman and I was convinced that as soon as the lights got dim or it was dark, he was there in the shadows waiting. I stopped going to bed before my boyfriend. I didn’t want to be in the house alone.

Looking back, naturally it all seems totally stupid. Me, a grown 35 year old, scaring myself silly because of a kids’ story on the internet. But what if it really is possible to create a tulpa by using enough collective subconscious power? Thousands of people in the world at the time were reading those same stories and scaring themselves silly like I was. If it was possible to create a tulpa, Slenderman and his fame would most certainly warrant it.

For anyone who isn’t familiar with the 80’s movie ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’, the main bad guy/killer is Freddy Kruger, a demon (who was a bloke who killed kids and then got burned in a fire by their fucked-off parents, then he came back from the dead in peoples’ dreams, as a...you know what, I don’t fucking actually really know what kind of thing Freddy is) who kills people in their dreams. Enough people get to know about him and he suddenly can break free of only being in their dreams and can exist in the real world, killing whomever he chooses in reality. Freddy, is a tulpa. He existed in reality, purely because all the kids talked about him, described him to each other, then dreamed about him, which cemented him more in their brains, until he became a reality. By what was, if I remember correctly, the 407th film featuring Freddy, ‘Freddy vs Jason’ the townsfolk had worked out that the only way to defeat Freddy, was to pretend he didn’t exist. No one was allowed to talk about him, no one could mention his name, and anyone who dreamed about him was given dream suppression pills so they ceased dreaming altogether (boy didn’t I crave Hypnocil during my Slenderman nights). In this way, Freddy became weak and the town was safe (for a while - Stage Right - freaky hockey-mask-wearing-dude-with-mommy-issues).

My point is that from my personal point of view, the Tulpa Community are people who have really good imaginations, like myself and are doing nothing more than imagining another person. They are not “creating” a tulpa. Not in the sense that I think they think they are anyway. I sort of feel like a tulpa is akin to a golem who is created to protect someone or something and is capable of physical destruction in the real world.

I digress. Touching on Slendy for the podcast is something I’ve wanted to do for a while now, but I’ve hummed and hawed because, let’s face it, I’m scared. Slenderman did become a bit too real for me, even if it was in my head and my mind playing tricks on me, but it put me through sheer terror, I was legitimately scared of my own shadow so opening this can of worms is a big deal for me, even if it seems utterly stupid for a grown woman to feel that way. If two young girls can pretend that killing their friend as a “sacrifice to Slenderman” is real, then who’s to say if enough people genuinely hallucinated Slendy and his creepy, murderous personality, that other people could not be compelled to kill? He would become his own person. I’m a tin-foil hat wearing silly girl who believes a lot of ridiculous things (except Flat Earth, you guys are wrong - just saying), but from a mass hallucination point of view, I do genuinely think this could be plausible. And by delving back into this research, not only am I opening up the likelihood of scaring myself silly, into seeing shit that isn’t there, I would also have to be held (partially) responsible for creating the master Slenderman that wipes out the world by making people kill each other. Hmph. And Ted Bundy thought he had some great ideas.

Also, “Tulpamancy” is a thing. Although not according to the Tibetians, where the tulpa originated. Funny that. Almost as if it’s a made up word. (It is. By the Tulpa Community.)

As for the pretend “Tulpa Community”? Some of these people envision their tulpas as characters from ‘My Little Pony’. Make of that what you will. I wouldn’t personally be taking career and life advice off of a fucking horse. All I’m saying.

#slenderman #mystery #weird #tulpa #monster #murder

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