#but also this fucking old man 'ur attacking me' shut up

[boxwinebaddie]

Best driver in the CFPOM? :)

...so when you say 'good'...are we talking skill? or safety? Because...

if we're talking Skill:

kenny, 100%. hands down.

if it has wheels -- kenny can drive it. i feel like he's been driving since elementary school tbh. which leads me to my next point which is that kenny can drive super well...but its definitely not legal. there is No WAY he has a license like that man has no birth certificate. he def has a fake license tho and it is literally a knock off McLovin from super bad level of fake and just says McWhoremick with no first name smh. but its fine bc he can seduce his way out of any ticket ever. Slayed. ;)

but yeah no, he is ripping around the neighborhood like its GTA5, they are FLYING, kyle is having a panic attack the whole time because kenny is smoking a fat joint and yellin Look Guys No Hands! bras and panties flying all over the place from whoever was back there last, old moldy pizza slices, the hula girl on the dash is shaking ass, theres fuzzy purple dice hanging from the mirror, fake balls on the tail pipe...so much Insanity...all while ayesha erotica or the Cuntry ;) <3 playlist is blaring. tldr when kenny is driving, kyle and marjorine are not having fun but stan & cartman are having So much fun help

i feel like kenny drives a tiny little beat up red pick up truck that he fixed up himself ( hes a part time mechanic in peppermint...or thats his current job until they fire him...Soon probably ) so there is a driver seat, a front seat and a TINY cab in back which really should only have one...One!!! COUNT IT!!! ONE!! person in it but they manage to squeeze THREE people in wHICH SOMETIMES IS TWO PEOPLE AND CARTMAN AND SOMETIMES ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE IS ALSO TALL ASS KYLE WITH THE MASSIVE DOUBLE WIDE TRAILER BEST ASS IN CLASS so needless 2 say its a Tight Squeeze.

they also All used to fight for shot gun ( stan wants to aux, kyle has control issues/is claustrophobic and cartman is just an asshole he also cant drive bc driving is for Poor Ugly People ) EXCEPT marj who Never EVER fought for shotgun and always used to sit in the back with whoever just bc shes nice and kind so when they started dating kenny permanently made marjorines seat the passenger seat *Kenny Being A Bastard VC* I Got A Seat For You Right Here, Sweetheart ;) *fakes out pointing to face then pats the seat smh* and everyone is like ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS bc that perma put stan kyle and cartman in the back which is CHAOTIC and kenny is like hell yeah im serious!!! unless one of you is gonna start Blowing Me enjoy the back bitches!!! mwaaaah <3 Pain....oh my god. *kyle n cartman audacity*

which...stan is actually the most Chill back there, he is my relaxed king -- he also Never calls the front seat shot gun bc he HATES guns cute pacifist boy behavior -- and fights for the front way less tbh. which conflicted kyle because he just wants to sit next to stan and not cartman ( stan used to sit between them to prevent Homiecide )

but bc kenny is ripping around going a million miles per hour all the time kyle ends up in stans lap A LOT which...okay the first time he was like dude oh my god im So sorry and stan was like dont worry kp you can sit in my lap Any Time :) what are super best friends for? :*

uNAWARE OF HOW FKN INSANE THAT SOUNDED TO LITERALLY EVERYONE KYLE MADE SUCH A CRAZY SOUND HE WAS SO RED OH MY GOD KENNY MARJ AND CARTMAN ALL LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE IS THIS REAL THIS IS NOT RESALSDKLHDS

like the way that stan did not know he was in love with kyle until Now but was constantly like u can sit in my lap and wear all my clothes and have anything you want from me kyle??? LIKE?? I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE STAN!!!! YOU FRUIT FUCKING SALAD!!! PUTTIN UR BEST GUY FRIEND IN UR LAP IN YOUR HOODIE PLAYIN W HIS HAIR WHISPERING SHIT INTO HIS EAR MAKING HIM BLUSH WITH THE FKN LITTLE HEART CHARM ON UR NOSE RING SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!

( also i forgot how much i luv pep!stans little emo boy Charm Bracelet Nose Ring for dramatic fruity bisexual disasters...he is so cute ily bb peppermint stan is the most babygirl ever....my son oh my gooood )

so needless to say stan just climbs in the back and does the hot boy Come Here ;) thing where he pats his lap for kyle to sit ( HELLO EXCUSE ME?? ) and it was Mostly a joke until they started dating and now everyone is like stan and kyle no funny business back there and cartman is like yeah watch it homos and but its okay they are Making Out they cant hear anyone smh <3 NASTY BOY BEHAVIOR WHEN THEYRE DATING ITS SO OBNOXIOUS I REALLY HATE THEM like they are attached at the lips/hips...but also...Good For Them omg.

iiiiii got more to say about everyone else Driving ( me crazy mostly ) but this got too long i had too much to say abt the truck and kenny so yes tldr as far as Good Driving goes...Kenny. but as far as legal? Abbbbbsooolutely Not, Babey! it is fun tho!!! yeehaw! Buckle Up <3

-uncle nina, gay and can't drive

#im actually so scared of driving its actually my one tru fear #BUT YEAH KENNYS YEEHAW OH SHIT HANDLE GETAWAY DRIVER GTA5 DRIVING IS SO ICONIC TO ME #ALL WHILE SOMETHING CRAZY IS PLAYING ON THE AUX #i do think they are Mostly in stan or kyles car tho for practicality they cant breathe in kens car...& its hotboxed to hell #its kyles usually bc stans car is a trash waste disaster zone & kyle DDs ( ok stan is more fun tho he is a Shit driver but kyle YELLS sm ) #also no one can sit in the front in styles cars but them disrespectfully its not fair but they are in love im sorry #esp ky if any1 even tries 2 take the front seat in kyles car hes like get the hell out of the stan seat u stupid bitch??? fuck off and DIE #anyways <3 Hi Stan <3333 are u comfy do u need anything :3 #and stans like hiiiii kp im good tysm sbf <333 *winks at kyle sticks tongue out and flips off everyone* everyones like bro come ONNNNNNN #its so much worse when theyre dating kyle is like hiiii cute boyyyy and stans like hiiii Cuter boy like mom & dad will you stop being GROSS #LIKE EW OH MY GOD CHILL OUT #but yeah kenny can drive anything and that man b driivng everyone wild what can i say #that man always has a ticket for being Too Fine

[suiana]

My school really picks and chooses what to celebrate. Other cultures? Hell yeah. Mental illnesses that really should be talked about? What's that?

2 years ago. Autism Awareness Day(April 2nd). They told us it was also Autism Awareness Month (April). Cool right.

hmm.. hmmm.. how should we spread awareness??? YO PERFECT IDEA GUYS. 👏Lets👏have👏them👏take👏an👏Autism👏test👏. What type of test? OH GREAT IDEA GUYS. a test to identify emotions. Yeah that wont come off as us making fun of there inability to be able to identify emotions. NO NOT AT ALLLLLL. Not kidding it was a test to help identify emotions for like autistic people.

Last year. Same drill with us being told. That's great.

hmm.. hmmm.. what should we do this this year?? Oooooo how about we ask them if they know anyone with Autism!!! That's great and everything but I think we should do something else too. Yo hear me out guys. LETS SHOW THEM A VIDEO OF AN AUTISTIC PERSON HAVING A SHUT DOWN. that's great. that's fantastic thank you. Was it educational? Yes it was vea the 10 year olds POV of them being overwhelmed IN PUBLIC and having a shut down. At the end is said "Not misbehaved(or something like that) just autistic"........ My classmate said they got nightmares from that video. That's great we won't make the autistic kids feel ashamed of having shut downs

Guys. What should we do this year?? Well Autism Day is on the weekend. Damn you right. Well we just won't mention the Friday before that weekend. Oh ok we'll mention it that Monday then? Nah we gonna have spring break so we just are gonna mention it at all. We aren't going to even mention April being Autism Awareness Month on Friday nope.

I swear if I go back to school and they don't say shit about Autism or they do some more bullshit I'm going to write one of the longest complaints in history.

As a human with Autism that Autism quiz with emotions didn't make me feel ashamed or confused AT ALLLLLL. That video didnt make me feel ashamed AT ALLLLLLLLLL. It doesn't help that all shit downs look different.

And now with new rules about cellphones and going places during class I cant even get help during shut downs. What does that add up to?? A totally and completely mute me sitting in math class for almost an hour crying and shaking and begging, hoping no one notices that I'm having a panic attack/shut down. Why? Because society and my school has taught me to be ashamed and they can't even help me with medical stuff. because my school can't do anything right and can't help the people who need help. I have fucking medial papers saying I'm allowed to do something (not related to my autism) and guess what? MY TEACHER DENIED ME MEDICAL HELP. MY TEACHER DIDNT GIVE A SHIT EVEN IF IT WAS IN MY PAPER THAT I WAS ALLOWED AND SHE CANT DENY ME BUT SHE DENIED ME MEDICAL HELP.

A very angry Anon

man wtf you should lodge a complaint against your school. it's wrong to deny someone of medical attention and to take Ur phones away?? burn that school anon 🔥🔥 if you ever wanna talk I'm here for you

[twilightofthe]

Obi Wan Kenobi Show Liveblog: Part II

ok ok ok ok ok we gettin’ back to it let’s fucking gooooooooooo

aight so i’m re-listening to the obi wan theme but i’m gonna need to pull it all up once everything’s over and give it my full attention

characters like obi wan kenobi and din djarin having to take commercial air travel and deal with customs makes me laugh a lot

so i’m LOVING the neon aesthetic of Daiyu

wait motherfuck this is obi wan’s FIRST TIME OFF TATOOINE IN TEN YEARS HOW IS HE COPING

slkdfjsdlk saying this is qui gon’s kind of mess apparently

MOTHERFUCK IS THAT A CLONE

THAT’S A CLONE MR MORRISON WHY DID YOU COME BACK JUST TO HURT ME HEY

and obi wan’s giving him coins and looking like his heart is breaking fucking help me

ahaha go home and rethink your life kiddo

“MY DAUGHTER”

FUCK EVERYTHING

FUCK EVERYTHING

oh ANOTHER jedi huh?

ehhhh i don’t believe it

ah hello kumail nanjiani

oh fuck he actually did the force summon thing

hmmm still don’t know if i trust

like he did say he was a scam character

he’s giving me Hondo vibes

yeah MAJOR Hondo vibes

pffff i knew it was a scam

ohohoho obi wan’s gonna fuck with this dude big time i know it

Get his ass Obes get him

“of course” ohohoho that’s obi wan’s Danger Voice sexy ehehe

HAHAHA IT WAS A MAGNET AND NOW OBES HAS A GUN GET HIS ASS

THE GUN AND THE ANGRY VOICE IS STILL VERY HOT I’M SORRY I KNOW IT’S UNCIVILIZED OK OK OK I’LL SHUT UP

BUT IT’S HOT

SHHHH OK BACK TO WATCHING

heeheeheehee he’s STROKING HIS BEARD

PENSIVELY

fuuuuuuck

i am so obnoxious i’m sorry but also not

yes he still makes a gas mask look hot

ok wow i guess the entire first episode with me crying was me too distracted by my emotions to be drooling over obes but now the dam has burst

HELL YES BABE YOU DESTROY THAT BREAKING BAD LAB

HOOHOOHOOHOOOOOO HE BRAWLIN HE BRAWLION THAT’S STILL HOT

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

stop fucking hitting him u bitch ur just jealous he’s hot and you’re not

HELL YEAH SMOKEBOMB

I love this man so much y’all have no clue

AHAHAHA LEIA’S FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH OBI WAN AND SHE ATTACKS HIM I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT

obiwanandleiaobiwanandleiaobiwanandleiaobiwanandleia

motherFUCK THE DISGUISE HE GIVES HER LOOKS LIKE PADME’S HANDMAIDEN DISGUISE I’M GONNA FUCKING SOB

AND SHE SPENDS HER ENTIRE TIME CALLING HIM OLD AND GIVING HIM A CORONARY I LOVE THIS SO SO SO VERY MUCH

ohoho so i think Reva IS trying to please Vader

fuck offffffff G. Quizzy Reva’s so much prettier than u

SO YOU DO ADMIT THAT KENOBI’S STILL ALIVE DON’T TAKE CREDIT FOR WHAT SHE’S DONE YOU BITCH

WE ALL WANNA SQUEEZE HIM BITCH YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL

obi wan hon u do realize that y’all took off your disguises and are now walking around barefaced right

oh ok ok he’s getting her new clothes good

FASHION ICON LIKE HER MOTHER

“GRANDDAUGHTER MAYBE” LEIA ORGANA I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING

HE’S USING HIS ANNOYED ANAKIN VOICE ON HER I LOVE HIM I LOVE HER SO VERY VERY MUCH

fuuuuuck he’s hot when he punches people

“my droid is fucking dead :(” “good” OBI WAN

don’t jinx it you bitch did you learn ANYTHING obi wan from like ur entire life

NO DUMBASS DON’T LEAVE HER ALONE

ahhhh she’s suspicious oh dear and here we go

OOOOH HE’S GONNA CATCH A BLASTER BOLT WITH THE FORCE TO PROTECT HER OR SOMETHING

Reva you’re such a dramatic bitch i love you can’t u jump off a building like a normal force user

nah he’s gonna float her

yep!

Skywalker requirement: MUST nearly give Obi Wan a heart attack after being in his presence for ten minutes

“IS IT THAT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE FRIENDS” LEIA

“we gotta take the free help dumbass” this is giving me big Padme vibes

OBI WAN THINKS SO TOO

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Reva you dramatic-ass theatre kid I love you

“I’ll be right behind you” lmaoooooo Obi Wan just said the magic words that means he DEFINITELY WON’T AHAHAHA

so she IS trying to capture him for Vader

ahahahahahaha his EYES LOOK AT THE PAIN AND TERROR

wait wait wait what the fuck WHY DOES SHE KNOW HE’S ANAKIN

oh fuck wait a minute did she actually stab G. Quizzy?

So is he NOT the same one from Rebels?

AHAHAHA ANYWAY BACK TO OBI WAN’S BREAKDOWN HEEHEEHOOHOO

heeeheeehee he’s crying

OH THERE YOU ARE YOU BROODY BURNT BITCH

NOW THE PARTY’S STARTED

NOW THE ANGST IS HERE

HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#obi wan kenobi #owk #kenobi #star wars #kenobi series #kenobi show #obi wan kenobi spoilers #owk spoilers #kenobi show spoilers #star wars spoilers #sw spoilers #sw the obi wan show #our only ho #kenobi spoilers

[digital-sigil]

I DID IT CF MIRACULOUS AU FIC NUMBER TWO BAYBEEEEE

this one is super early in the timeline! also you get to find out Kaylen's dead best friend's name now

The Elevator

Of course, another akuma attack, right when Kaylen was just trying to take a walk. And of course he’s near the hotel his father owns. But, oh well, there’s elevators there, be can hide in one of those and transform! He dashes into the building and dips behind something until he’s mostly sure the threat has passed by. He goes over to one of the elevators and presses the button, hiding behind something again, just in case, before slipping in and seeing…

His father. Kaylen sighs, turning away and pressing the “open door” button, just for it to not work.

“Are you kidding me? Am I stuck in here?”

“Well, great time to spend some quality time with your old man.” Says the mayor “Yeah right,” says Kaylen, with venom lacing his tone, “As if you even know what quality father-son time is.” The Mayor sighs. “Well, how’s your gymnastics?” “Quit that years ago.” Kaylen reminds him, as if he ever knew. He starts messing with the button panel, kneeling down and using a fingernail to unscrew it. “What about your chorus?” The only response he gets is an eyeroll. The mayor goes on about clubs and activities Kaylen used to be in, only responses being eyerolls and scoffs.

“Oh! How’s Cecilia?” Kaylen stands up straight all of a sudden. “Get her name out of your mouth.” “What? Why?” “She’s fucking dead, dumbass.” The mayor doesn’t have a chance to respond.

“Get her name out of your mouth and stop pretending. You don’t care do you? You don’t give a single shit about me, do you? Huh? Fuck you. Fuck you and your polital campaigns. Fuck you and your stupid face. Fuck you and your dead-ass wife. Fuck you and everything you stand for you neglectful, stupid, money-oriented piece of shit! You haven’t even said hello to me in years, you’ve never asked me about school, you never asked me how I was, you never played catch with me or got me birthday presents or anything, nothing! And you think it’s a great idea to ask about her? You don’t have the right to say her fucking name. You have no fucking idea how devestated I was- you didn’t, and don’t, fucking care! Don’t pretend you do. You could never show your face to me again, or leave the entire house to me and move somewhere else, and my life wouldn’t change a bit. Fuck off, go fuck yourself. Don’t talk you me, you fucking bastard. You may be my father by genes, but you will NEVER be my father. Now shut up.” The mayor is stunned. Kaylen is enraged. He kicks the door of the elevator, now hearing the sounds of a fight outside. He hits the door again, hoping to gain someone’s attention.

“Hello? Did the elevator cat-ure someone?” Kaylen smiles a bit, immediately knowing who it was. “Yeah, can you get me out please?”“Yeah, yeah! Stand back!” The elevator door crumbles away soon after, and Kaylen makes a run for it, yelling a thank you to Chat Noir. Fey blink a bit, “Well they had the right idea.” They turn to the mayor, “I don’t know if my cataclysm hurt any other part of the elevator. You might wanna purr-use out of here, Mr. Mayor”

[ticklishfiend]

if you’re still accepting ofmd headcanons:

- frenchie fully believes in the tickle monster - it lives under beds and can “sense vulnerability” so when he gets jim and olu’s old room he makes sure to never lay down with his arms over his head for too long or let his feet hang off the bed so as not to “trigger an attack”. the tickle monster can also “possesses people by psychically entering their minds and forcing them into them doing its dirty work to feed its appetite for laughs”. in reality he’s just a very shy switch trying to justify his moods lol

- lucius will absolutely drag the feather end of his quill against peoples neck + ears when he’s feeling cheeky. the first time he did it to izzy, izzy nearly jumped out of his skin and the quill was immediately broken and thrown overboard.

- lee!jim. GOD lee!jim!! going off of what you said they absolutely love it when olu is playful with them and olu completely sees through their shit when they try to pretend that they don’t. love love love the idea of jim growling in between giggles to seem mad but really they’re just trying to mask their squeals because they’re embarrassed that someone will hear them + “fighting back” with punches that are not even half the strength they’d usually be + gripping olu’s sleeves so hard their knuckles turn white but never actually trying to push them away.

- jim gets flustered SO. EASILY. when it comes to tickles. not in the ‘get shy and hide your face’ kind of way but in a violent squirming + kicking + spewing threats kind of way (while also probably looking away to hide their face) lots of “shutupshutupshutup” and “i’ll fucking kill you” etc etc. it doesn’t help that olu is so teasy as a ler and it makes jim want to kiss punch him every time. (thinking of the “coming nana!” scene lmfao)

- the first time olu asks if they like it jim is so caught off guard that they can’t even make up an excuse - it’s just “WHA- SHUT UP. N-NO???? shut up! I DONT. ugh, just shut up! that’s such a stupid question...don’t look at me like that. pinche- HEY! WAHAIT-” as they’re stammering olu is just wordlessly raising his eyebrows at them like “oh, really? you sure?” until he just rolls his eyes and attacks them - afterwards he’s quick to reassure them that it’s okay to like it and swears that it’ll just stay between the two of them.

i’ll stop before this turns into an essay. jim took over this ask rlly quickly lmao but i just love the concept so much. have a good one!

i’m so mad i missed this MONTHS AND MONTHS AGO MAN IM SO FUCKING SORRY 😭

first of all, not even a question of COURSE french he believes in the tickle monster. if he sees anyone tickling anyone on the ship, he delves into his own tickle monster lore to everyone around, and it usually flusters the fuck out of the lee since now their ler is definitely playing along and pretending to be the tickle monster. plus, if someone feels like tickling frenchie (cause like who wouldnt look at him), they pretend like they’re being actively possessed and taken over because if he thinks they’re the tickle monster, he won’t seek revenge bc “oh no, i know u couldn’t help it. and i’m not trying to anger that thing further, are u kidding me??”

THATS SO LUCIUS LMAOO and after that little event with izzy and he gets a new quill, izzy becomes his new favorite target since he reacted soo strongly. it pisses stede off since they have to keep getting lucius new quills but lucius gives no fucks as long as he can get even the smallest, measly little giggle out of that angry little man

lee jim is such a growler shut up, they are so embarrassed of their giggles and try so hard to keep cool and cover it up but olu just has that way about him that jim can never hold it in long. olu loves to tease them abt it too, all “oh you’re soooo scary right now, just like a lion. or more like a lion cub i guess, since ur not really fighting back all that much, hm?” and yes jim is so easily flustered by any and all teases olu throws their way, sometimes they have to hide their face in the pillows just to conserve a little dignity from their bright red face and high pitched giggles.

and jim doesn’t even realize they do like it until olu brings it up, they were always so focused on the feeling and their fluster that once olu brings attention to the fact that they’ve never fought him off once, they don’t even know how to respond. just stuttering and silently hoping olu will end their suffering but just fucking tickling them already jfc

again i am so fucking sorry for having this in my inbox for so damn long, idek if you’ll see that i posted it anon but i hope u know how much i appreciate these beautiful fucking headcanons. like these are so good idk if ur a writer on here but u definitely should be if not

again tysm, this was amazing!!! <3

#ask #tickle community #tickling #tickle headcanons #ofmd headcanon #ofmd tickles

[carlislecullen-taxevader]

just finished reading midnight sun for the second time and here are my thoughts no one asked for:

(warning: spoilers obviously but this is also stupid long bc I don’t know how to shut up)

am I an edward cullen stan?

yes

do I want to be?

no

he is insufferable

tanya funding edward submerged in a snow bank just sulking

apparently vampires can move so fast they don’t leave any footprints in the snow???

physics smeyer??

but does this mean they could walk on water?

also eddie, buddy, you aren’t hades

you are just depressed and repressed and horny

and bella is not persephone, she hates greenery and her favorite color is brown

speaking of bella being persephone: she was simply eating mushroom ravioli

not condemning herself to the underworld

literally take a deep breath and calm down

also it’s not super cool of you, edward, to throw rosalie’s revenge on her attackers back at her

I truly wish she would have burned edward’s car just for the remark he made

also are we just going to gloss over the blatant favoritism that carlisle and esme show towards edward???

like come on

i know you’ve known him the longest but he’s been sulking around for literal decades and thats who you pick to be your fave??? when literally anyone else exists??

@alice and jasper: y’all need a dog??? i can bark

i’ll never forgive smeyer for making jasper a confederate soldier. never.

emmett my man, he’s just happy to be here

emmett might be our resident himbo but carlisle doesn’t have a thought behind his eyes and I stand by that

no I won’t elaborate

edward debating the entire book if bella is mentally stable

carlisle calling up billy and being like “lol we’re back hehe”

so um does bella not have a screen on her window??

I don’t think she does but if that’s the case then why the fuck doesn’t edward worry about her falling out the window?

he literally is worried about a meteorite crashing through her room during the night but not about her screen-less window

also not him justifying being a stalker with “well my family commits tax fraud on the daily so it’s fine”

and him bringing wd40 to oil the window

“it was enlightening and alluring to watch her in her element” babes she’s making a bowl of cheerios

I can’t stand him

the way eddie is convinced bella thinks he’s repulsive and disgusting

sir

I would live and die for charlie swan

and that’s all I will say on that

carlisle sending edward out for a night on the town so he can set up a christmas tree for him!!!!

emmett and jasper’s huge and elaborate game of chess

alice helping jasper cheat

jasper and emmett not letting edward play so he sulks around like a child

show me more of that smeyer

oh oh oh edward and alice’s relationship

honestly, it’s precious

that’s what I want to see

edward categorizing all the insects in the meadow and the surrounding area to calm his horny ass is peak comedy

very mormon of you smeyer

I knew edward was a car boy

reluctant but aware

however, I still hate it

edward being obsessed with cars: kinda cute bc he really is obsessed but also mainly nauseating

rosalie being obsessed with cars: simply sexy

the way smeyer just elaborates on things after the fact

like just completely neglected jaspers power the entire saga and so in ms she’s like “oops maybe I should talk about that”

and i’m glad she did bc!!! it’s so cool

i’ve always loved what jasper could do but it’s actually super complex and cool and I love him

him using his power to protect bella during the baseball scene from james

emmett and jasper being edward’s side mirrors is peak entertainment

edward making carlisle text babysitting instructions to alice

but also edward mansplaining how much water bella needs to carlisle as if he’s not an actual doctor

also real quick

the amount of malpractice in this damn book

‼️carlisle‼️drugged‼️and‼️left‼️a‼️soccer‼️mom‼️on‼️the‼️side‼️of‼️a‼️phoenix‼️freeway‼️

just left her stranded in the heat

I hate it here

emmett throwing the gaudy stolen car into oncoming traffic was my favorite part

however

aren’t you guys suppose to even vaguely pass as human???

besties

hate to break it to you

but that doesn’t cut it

it would hit me at random times that edward is literally 17 years old

someone tell me why they let the 17 year old orchestrate the car chase????

also edward wasting time trying to pick out which car he likes the best for said car chase and alice is like bitch ur gf is dying we gotta go

anyway someone tell me why edward sucking the venom out of the bite on bella’s hand is synonymous with the mental image of someone putting their head and open mouth under a soda fountain??

edward saying “but i’m a vampire!!” never fails to make me laugh

like babes we know

also you mean to tell me that jasper was in the dance studio with all of bella’s blood and a car with bella bleeding and her blood all over her and edward and carlisle and he never once thought of reacting (if he would have, edward definitely would have said something) but it was a little paper cut in new moon that did it for him????

I don’t buy it

alice wearing an oversized sweatshirt and smeyer calling it avant-garde

an oversized sweatshirt AND jaspers huge watch

that’s not avant-garde bestie

alice having so much fun orchestrating and staging the supposed accident at the hotel

I love her

renee is insufferable

get her out of here

i will say that the way edward describes peoples minds is really cool

like how charlie’s is quiet and low and jacob’s is bright and warm and content

that’s sweet I like that

there’s so much more I could say but this has gone on for too long

will say that it is shitty of eddie to have seen the vision of bella catatonic in new moon and still made the decision to leave her eventually

my final thoughts: edward, do better

#twilight #twilight renaissance #midnight sun #edward cullen #bella swan #carlisle cullen #twilight carlisle #twilight aesthetic #twilight headcanon #twilight thoughts #tw long post

[wendimydarling]

Weakness

Title: Weakness

Summary: Syverson and his wife get into an argument, and he shows her bratty ass how to mind.

Pairing: Syverson x First Person Reader

Word Count: 2017

Warnings: nudity, manhandling, penetrative sex, tickling.

A/N: Last request of the year, folks... I’ve got a full plate!

Could you please do a tickle fic with syverson where u guys have a fight, but then when he comes to bed late at night you tickle him to get him to talk. But then he gets annoyed at you and ends up tying you up and tickling you as a punishment, though it ends in fluff and giggles at the end? Love ur fics!

Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How many times we gonna have this argument?”

I had zero desire to do this tonight but I stood there anyway, arms crossed, nostrils flaring. Everyone in the bar was cowering away from Syverson’s intimidating hulk of a stance, but not me. I’d been with him for too long.

The guy that hit on me was far in retreat but once again, I’d been embarrassed in front of everyone by Sy taking it too seriously. He was so protective and for the most part, I didn’t mind. But I consider myself a woman that can defend herself without the aid of a man, and when said man comes in and threatens to maul any man within a ten foot radius of me, my intimidation factor gets undercut by about fifty percent.

Syverson also had his arms crossed, his legs regulation width apart and back ramrod straight. His size alone was enough to terrify most women, and even some men, but not me. I was far too pissed. Sy furrowed his brow.

“I’ll not have anyone hittin’ on my woman, especially not while I’m there to defend her,” he stated firmly. I rolled my eyes and threw my hands in the air.

“We’re goin’ in circles, and I ain’t doin’ this in public, especially not tonight,” I snapped. I grabbed my clutch and walked out the door, hailing a passing taxi and getting in before I could change my mind. As I gave the driver my address, I looked out the window and saw Syverson standing there, his mouth set in a stern line. A pang of excited fear shot into my belly; I had just left my husband at a bar. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Syverson made it home about twenty long minutes after I did. They had to have been the most agonizing minutes of my life, and that included the time he suddenly lost phone reception once when he was on tour. I got ready for bed while I waited for him to come home, but I knew sleep would evade me. Back and forth I paced, straightening the décor on our shelves and brushing my hair before finally coming to rest on the bed, my knees pulled up to my chest. 

I heard a car door outside and adrenaline coursed through my veins; the front door slamming shut near made me jump out of my skin. My body was rooted to the mattress, fingers fidgeting with the lacey hem of my cotton nightgown nervously. Sy entered our room, glanced at me briefly, then tore off his shirt and tossed it in the hamper as he barricaded himself in our bathroom without a word. I was in so much trouble, and my heart sank down into my stomach. Why of all nights did we have to do this tonight?

It wasn’t long before Syverson came back into the room, scowl still stubbornly etched on his face as he removed the rest of his clothes. He caught my eye and held it in silent warning; I didn’t dare look away. His belt was drawn out of its fabric station slowly and my ass clenched in apprehensive dread, but Sy just dropped it to the floor. My annoyance catapulted over my fear.

“Ya just not gonna talk to me then?” I snapped, shooting him my own glare. Syverson still didn’t speak, simply shucked his legs out of his pants and boxers and climbed under the covers, rolling over so that his back was facing me. That was the last straw.

“Sy…” I drawled, dragging a fingernail down his spine. He rotated his shoulder and huffed, but didn’t turn over. Determined, I tried again, spidering my fingers over the back of his ribs. Syverson spun around with surprising agility for a man so large and in a flash my wrist was seized. 

“Best not start somethin’ ya can’t finish, little lady,” he warned, shoving my hand away. He closed his eyes and settled back into the bed. Anyone else would have heeded Sy’s warning, but not me. I needed to talk about it. 

“Come on Sy, talk to me,” I pleaded. He just grunted. I assessed the situation, surveying his body for my plan of attack. His big arms protected most of his torso but the blanket had ridden down when he flipped over, and I could see the sharp point of his hip bone cresting through the waves of hair that graced his skin. Bingo.

I crawled on the bed carefully, sneaking a hand beneath the blanket to where Syverson’s warm girth lay nestled between his thighs. He grunted again but shifted to grant me more access; he never could say no to a blow job, no matter how mad he was. I straddled his chest and palmed him softly, smirking as he fell straight into my trap. Instead of leaning over though, I drilled my fingers into the deep pockets of his hips, relishing the way he immediately started huffing and throwing curses my way.

“If ya ain’t gonna talk to me then I’m just gonna tickle ya,” I drawled, scribbling my nails over his sensitive flesh. Sy grunted and jerked but he couldn’t quite get his hands around my torso to reach, the tickles confusing his brain and causing him to lose focus.

“Hmmm… still don’t wanna talk?” I teased, “Fine then, perhaps I should move to yer feet.”

In a flash my ankles were yanked out from under me and I was rolled underneath Sy’s heavy frame, his nimble fingers finding purchase beneath him on my sensitive ribs. I squealed and scrambled for his hands, kicking at him as I tried to stop the tickles. He just climbed on top of me and flipped around to straddle my hips, instantly immobilizing me and removing any notion I had of making it out of this alive.

“Ya think ya can just leave?” Syverson growled, pinning my arms above my head with one hand and returned to digging his fingers into my rib cage. I squealed again and fought to escape, but his thighs were an iron vice around my hips and his rough hand effortlessly held my wrists, locking me in place so that he had all the room in the world to punish me for my behavior.

“Ya thought this was over just cause you were done with it?” His fingers drilled faster, their ferocity matching the scowl on his face as I laughed helplessly.

“Try again, little lady... we ain’t over ‘til I say so.”

With that, he reverted back to his silence. I screamed and pleaded with him but he ignored me, tickling any skin he could find. When he ran out of skin to tickle he simply created more, rucking up my nightgown to gain access to my belly and navel. I laughed and wailed but my cries met a stone wall; I was too ticklish for my own good, and Syverson was mad. 

He tore my nightgown completely off me and grabbed my wrists, and I took the brief moment to gasp for air. My respite was short lived however as I noticed his intentions; he was pinning my arms beneath his knees.

“No, Sy NO, PLEASE!!” I protested, pulling uselessly against his brute strength. I knew his game, I knew where he was headed and I didn’t want it. 

“I’m sorry,” I begged him. Sy stared at me, hands on his knees, glare still firmly lodged on his face.

“I told ya not to start something ya couldn’t finish,” he said coldly. His hands travelled slowly behind him, resting along the supple flesh on my thighs.

“I know, I--KNOW,” I gasped, kicking at him. Syverson shuffled my body as I spoke, spreading my legs and trapping them between his folded knees.

“Ya just... ya wouldn’t talk to me, Sy. I didn’t want to go to bed upset, not tonight,” I admitted, gazing up at him with round eyes. I struggled under his weight, trembling as his fingertips grazed along the inner tendons that connected my legs to the rest of my body. Sy gave me a look that said I better keep talking, so I continued to explain.

“I don’t need ya to defend me all the time,” I said softly, not wanting to look at him. I knew his face would show that he was hurt, and I was right.

“That’s what I’m here for, bug,” He whispered, staring at my heaving chest as he traced circles along my sensitive loins. I shivered. God, I wanted to reach out and hold him.

“But what about when ya aren’t here?” 

Syverson’s head snapped up to look at me, fire and pain flaring in his eyes. I could see that it hadn’t occurred to him that I still got hit on when he was overseas. Remorse and understanding fell over his features, and he nodded in submission.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. Still, ya need to pay fer leavin’ the bar without me.”

His fingers picked up their pace and my face scrunched up in agony. I wasn’t gonna get out of this by distracting him, and I was left with no choice but to accept my punishment. Still, I had to try.

“Sy, no don’t--” I managed to get out before he was squeezing those tendons between his thumbs and fingers, pinching every last ticklish nerve along my thighs. I thrashed and screamed, the highest-pitched squeals tumbling from my lips as he laid waste to my secret weakness, fluttering his fingers all over my mound. Time lost all meaning; had it been five minutes? Ten? I didn’t know, all I knew was that instead of tickles, my tortured pussy desired nothing more than for him to split me open and fuck me into the next century.

“NO MORE!” I begged, “SY PLEEEHEHEASE!! NO MOOOHOHORE!!”

His fingers froze and Syverson cocked an eyebrow at me.

“Ya gonna try and fight back?” he questioned, positioning his elbows on either side of my head.

“No sir,” I breathed.

“Who do you belong to?” he growled. My eyes softened and I gazed at his face, desperate to touch him, to comfort him.

“I belong to you.”

“Good girl.”

Sy released my arms and I wrapped them around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder as he did the same to me, thrusting into me to be as close as he could. He was hard as a rock, it took no more than five seconds before he was bottomed out and we two had become one flesh. It was an old song and dance and yet every time still felt like the first.

 Syverson held me close as I clung to him fiercely, my tears weaving a wet trail into my hair as his embrace coiled around me, suffocating me in the best of ways.

“I’ll be back before you know it, bug,” He crooned against my cheek, but I could hear how choked up he was and I lost it. I would never get used to him leaving.

“You better be,” I sobbed, never wanting this night to end. Tomorrow brought pain, and separation.

“Now now, no tears,” Sy shushed, cradling my face in his hands and wiping the salt that threatened to stain my face. He thrust into me, hard and wanting and I gasped, pitching my hips to meet his. My cervix was on fire, the slightest movement would send me barreling over the edge into bliss. I saw a glint in Sy’s eye, one that told me he was about to be devilishly mischievous and my arms were brought to rest above my head, fingers interlocked with mine, and kisses alighted on my nose and neck as his lips found their way to my ear. 

“Keep your arms up, bug,” he ordered, his fingertips spidering softly down my arms. No, I thought, squirming my hips and then gasping in shock as pleasure rocked through my center. Not this. Anything but this. His voice came searing into my mind, sealing my fate with one phrase.

“Yer gonna learn not to start somethin’ ya can’t finish.”

#henry cavill #henry cavill smut #henry cavill tickle fic #henry cavill fan fic #henry cavill fanfiction #captain syverson #captain syverson fanfic #captain syverson fan fiction #captain syverson smut #captain syverson tickle fic #tickle fic #tickle fan fic

[kaissauce]

okay, phucker, do it

ok let's do this @rolli-zolli @ninikins

Horrortale: technically an alternate timeline instead of au. after a neutral run where undyne's queen the core malfunctions and food becomes scarce and people resort to eating humans because sans suggested it. Aliza is the protag. latest thing that happened in the ongoing comic was Aliza agreeing to go with Papyrus to solve his last puzzle. as for the appearance of sans he has a HUGE hole on his head and a red eye. he got the hole from undyne when she got his magic eye which was going to be used to power the core. sans didnt die tho and killed the guards holding him down and just took whatever eye was on the ground and used it as a replacement for his magic eye that's powering the core. i quote first words he said after putting the eye in his socket "who the fuck took my phone?". then the magic eye went apeshit and broke the core again. oh and also he made alphys braindead by quite literally scrambling her brain. yeah this au is rough sans hasn't really eaten anything since the core was destroyed since he decided not to eat any humans.

Dusttale: i think this was originally a korean au? basic rundown: too many genocide runs sans goes apeshit and tries to get his Lv up by killing monsters himself man went fuckin insane kills his brother blah blah blah edgy angsty au the ghost of papyrus haunts him n stuff. sans literally just looks the same except he has his hood on and sometimes artists draw him with papyrus's scarf. the cool artists draw him with his hood on and has the hood completely cover his face so u can only see his glowing pupils. although people call him dust sans he's actually named murder sans

Killer: so frickin similar to dusttale except sans goes apeshit because of the human being like "join me lmao". three different outcomes come from this. i think it was 1 sans joins human 2 sans joins human kills human later on 3 kills human or something. friends with color sans who is basically his impulse control. pretty sure his soul's fucked up and Color sans tries to make his soul un-fucked but Nightmare comes in and fucks up the progress. he has white shorts, his eye sockets are constantly pitch black and leaking tar or something also has a weird target thingy on his chest. OH YEAH ALSO HE HAS BEEF WITH UNDERSWAP SANS ALMOST FORGOT. basically swap sans tried to make killer good and then they had a fight, swap sans lost and was on the verge of dying thankfully swap papyrus was able to save him in time i think

Dreamtale: Dream isn't in the drawing but his brother, Nightmare is. Sooo he used to not look all goooy and have tentacles n stuff but then he ate a couple hundred apples and yeah. he's six years old apparently. Nightmare and Dream are supposed to be guardians of a tree that has 500 golden apples and 500 black n goopy apples. the golden aples are positive and the goop ones are negative. you're not supposed to eat either of them cus bad shit happens. Dream and Nightmare live in a village and for whatever reason they're all dicks to Nightmare because ooughh he's the guardian of negativity that's not baller. he also goes apeshit (do u see a pattern here) and eats a goopy apple n then becomes the goop man he is today. he fuckin eats 999 apples jesus christ. and the last one is eaten by Dream because if u eat all 1000 apples u become unstoppable and immortal. so that would be a bad thing if nightmare got the last one. wop wop wop these dude aren't sanses they only have the body of one if that makes sanse.

Error: manlet. he's literally an error and that's why he's like that. also he's technically not a sans now, the redesign for him was so that he could be in the creator's webcomic named Lucidia. Error sans, aka the destroyer of aus, finds aus to be mistakes so he tries to get rid of them. his process of doing this is simple: get the human soul to the void so that they can't reset, destroy the au. he primarily attacks using his strings which can wrap around one's soul and control them. he like some aus like outertale because of how open and empty it is. he likes to be alone and has haphephobia. if u touch him he'll glitch out and possibly crash. he crashes whenever gets overwhelmed. said crashing causes him to shut down and reboot and he's powerless while doing so. he's actually pretty easy to beat if you know how to push his buttons the right way. in the og ask error blog made by his creator Loverofpiggies he kidnaps Swap sans who tries to help Error become a better person. this ends horribly as error leaves Swap sans in the void who then becomes an error aswell due to being alone in the void too long. Error actually regrets doing that to swap sans

Aftertale: OK FUN FACT THE SANS OF THIS AU, WHO'S NICKNAMED "Geno" IS ERROR. aftertale is a comic made by LoverofPiggies it's been SOOOO long since i last read it so i cant really give a good summary. but anyways Geno is trapped in the loading screen with the human and will die if he leaves the loading screen. eventually from being in the loading screen for too long after the events of aftertale he becomes Error.

OOF WOWIE THERE'S SO MUCH TO GO

Underfresh: he's not even a sans either. "Fresh" is a parasite inhabiting a skeleton. his birthday is on 4/20 which is ironic cus he doesn't like drugs. he censors swears. he speaks 90's lingo and dresses like a neon sign. for some reason he has eyebrows and a gold tooth. the glasses he has can change text but normally defaults to "YOLO". he can't feel anything since he has no soul of his own and just latches onto the host's. instead he learns how to act from the people around him. not being able to feel actually bothers him a LOT

Echotale: Aka Gaster sans. uhhh this one was also a comic if i remember correctly. basically Frisk and G!Sans are the only ones in the au and they're trying to find the core to fix the fucked up timeline that they're in but the core keeps changing positions so that sucks.

Swapfell: originally made by Khhoppang who left social media. Started out as an Alphys x Undyne au so only those two were designed but Kh was planning to design more of the characters. before they could people had a field day with the idea of mashing two aus together and SO many people came up with their own designs for sans and papyrus. Khhoppang left social media because they got overwhelmed with all the art reposters and stuff, pretty sad. the appearance of the sans in that au is the purple one with a scythe (i dont think he has a scythe in the og design).

Swapfell Red: so basically this is the swapfell made by people that isn't Khhoppang. community made per se. Sans's appearance changes constantly because as said before many people made many different designs. typically he just looks like Swap sans but with red high heel boots and his color scheme fits underfell

Fellswap (gold): Au made by blackggggum. so swapfell is underswap turned fell, fell swap is underfell swapped it takes a bit to understand that. his appearance is somewhat similar to Swapfell red. He's kind to his friends but if ur his enemy he'll fucking deck you. he's blind in his left eye, the leader of the royal guard, and secretly into dressmaking. fun fact in this au Papyrus has autism

Xtale: uuuuhhhh so Cross is a complicated one. he's part of the royal guard along with papyrus. has beef with xgaster. responsible for the downfall of his au and then Underverse happens and Ink is all "oh cool someone to mess with" and they became friends for a bit then shit hit the fan

Underfell: OOOOO YES UNIRONICALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITES. So Underfell sans is actually a very powerful mf and constantly has his magic eye activated because he has so much magic. This au is also technically an alternate timeline where monsters "lost their humanity" as the creator put it. so basically trust in the underground is scarce. Sans and papyrus, contrary to many interpretations i fucking hate, are actually on good terms (and no sans doesn't call papyrus "boss" the creator said if he does he'd do it ironically and papyrus would hate it). Fun facts he pays Grillby in socks (grillby accepts the socks as payment and wears them), if u make grillby laugh he gives u a jacket that looks like his and it's heavily implied that sans made him laugh because their jackets are similar

Underswap: ah yes another classic that i love as well. originally made by PopcornPr1nce who fled social media because they hated how the majority fandom treated Underswap (Blueberry and Carrot were popular names for the fanon swap papyrus and sans). Swap sans is constantly infantilized by the community which sucks and i hate it so i draw my own very super cool version of him whom i kin because i am also very super cool.

Outertale: mainly an aesthetic au pretty sure there's no comic of it. basically, instead of underground they in space. outer sans dies in underverse after like minutes of screentime lmao

Epictale: a comic made by Yugogeer. the og comic was retconned and the creator loathes the original version and made a reboot that's much better. Sans actually dies very early in it because Yugo hates how Sans is almost always focused on in aus. also the creator hates how meme-y their sans has become (like him saying bruh every single sentence, using a rubber chicken as a weapon, cookies, etc.) he's friends with Cross but not in canon. He has a purple magic eye that makes him immortal and i think only epic gaster could remove it which is how sans was able to be killed when he fought gaster.

Temmietale: it's undertale but everyone is temmie, don't question it

Trainertale: it's undertale but it's Pokemon, don't question it

Dancetale: it's undertale but you dance instead of fight, don't

Mobtale/Mafiatale: im unsure if mobtale and mafiatale are separate or not but they are very similar. basically undertale but mafia it's self explanatory

Undertale: no clue which au is this one, nope not at all/j

Bittytale or whatever idk: so take sans, make him small. boom. never understood this au

THAT BASTARD INK: HOOO BOY SAVED THE WORST FOR LAST. FUCK THIS GUY/j. THIS DUDE. IS THE REASON IM STILL INTO UNDERTALE AUS. I LOVE EM SO MUCH. also technically not a sans. He comes from an unfinished au and ripped his own soul to escape said au and became an outcode. for so long he was just a soulless husk until someone drew him and he got splashed with paint which let him feel. soon he learned to keep the paint in vials so that he can be able to feel 24/7. And then he learned how to create things with a paintbrush and the paint and spent time alone drawing up his own world until a portal appeared and took him to the multiverse. now he encourages artists to keep creating aus. he's the protector of aus in the sense that he keeps other outcodes from disrupting the script of the au, so if it's pacifist and an outcode tries to kill people he'd stop them, if it's genocide and an outcode tried to help them he'd stop them. no matter what he wants the au to stay on script. fun fact the creator of ink and the creator of error never had them interact with each other in canon, that was all the fandom's doing. Contrary to popular belief he's not really considered "good" his alignment is officially "Chaotic neutral". I personally interpret him a lot more chaotic than in canon because it's fun but he's a pretty chill guy actually. he can just be a bit of an ass sometimes. According to the creator of Ink (who is Comyet) his interpretation in Underverse is not canon compliant. one of the biggest canon things that underverse contradicts is Ink deliberately not taking his vials. if he were to do that in canon he'd become a husk again which is the equivalent of him "dying". he was described as a walking corpse by Comyet, without the vials he can't function anymore. Like Error he's pretty easy to beat if you know his weaknesses. also he has fears of empty spaces and being alone

off topic kinda but i very much love how Error and Ink are opposites yet parallel even though they were completely written without the other in mind. Error believes getting rid of aus is getting rid of anomalies. Ink believes people interfering with aus are anomalies. Error loves emptiness, Ink hates emptiness. list goes on it's funky fresh.

also uhhh sanses missing from that drawing that i can name from the top of my head

Seraphim sans, Insans, Dusttrust, He who shall not be named because he's from an 18+ au, Swapswap (yes. that exists), Storyshift, Inverted Fate (very good au i suggest checking it out), Negatale, Oceantale, Template, Pale, Mafiafell, Farmtale

my phone is at 9% y'all are spared from me going on

#long post #ask #ninikins #rolli zolli

[multiplefandomsblog]

Can i request how different idv characters would act as roommates? Eli, Helena, Luca, Edgar, Vera, Norton and Fiona if thats alright with you :DDD

warnings? kinda suggestive, crack fic, cussing

mod toby and mod bread helped me do this fic, its a bit all over the place but it was fun so no regrets

Eli Clark

I feel like being roommates with eli would be pretty pleasant

everything would be clean all the time

he’s the type of kid that everyone wants on their team because of how good he is at everything

so if you scored a roomie like him, you got super lucky

if you left a mess he wouldn’t get mad, he would probably just clean it up himself and leave a sticky note that said to clean up ur mess next time(but not like, passive aggressively)

ofc you would clean up after the cute sticky note, bc who can say no to this bb? 

If you don’t clean up tho, brooke rose will probably shit on your hair when u sleep

tbh you’ve always wondered what eli looked like without his eye mask

so one time when Eli was sleeping, you went next to his bed to try and take his eye mask off and see what he looks like.

You took off the mask and found out it was a dummy 

a few seconds later you heard footsteps and you turned around

Eli came up behind you and knocked you out with a bat

you two don’t speak of that day.

Brooke kept screeching last night, and you got no sleep at all, so I guess we’re having chicken for dinner 

Unless you had a good reason, then eli and brooke prob won’t mind cleaning up after u

I can imagine you going back to your shared room in the manor after a rough match and seeing eli just sweeping the room in an apron and a cloth covering his hair looking like cinderella

“Honey, I’m home!”

basically if you lived with eli, you basically had a husband/mom/wife???

If you came back to the manor, beaten up and bruised from the last match he would prob pester you and nag you

while cleaning up you wounds he would prob say, “You have to be more careful, im always worrying. You’re gonna give your mom a heart attack!”

seriously tho, don’t worry this bb, he would actually have a heart attack

Helena Adams

i think living with helena would probably feel like some sort of kdrama

she might be a bit clumsy and trip over a few things, falling into your arms bc of her blindness

though she might be doing it on purpose

If you moved things in the room without telling her, she would probably get mad

for example, you move the sofa chair a little bit to the right bc you thought it looked better

helena walks in the room, sits down on the sofa chair and ends up accidentally sitting on the sofa chair arm rest instead

resulting in her bottom hurting and a very long talk with you

she got her revenge weeks later

she had asked you to check under her bed for monsters because she couldn’t do it herself

you were teasing her for still being afraid of monsters but looked underneath anyways

low and behold, 

she put a mirror there.

will even wack you with her cane if you’re being annoying

Her cane is pretty affective in shutting you up lol only sometimes

“Hey Helena, are you braille? ‘cause i can read you like a book when i touch yo-” *wack* *moans*

helena: ...

you: ...

helena: ...im leaving

you: heleNA WAIT-

One time everyone at the manor was celebrating Helena’s birthday with a piñata, 2 seconds later she was beating the shit out of Luca with her cane

even after everyone’s been yelling that he wasn’t the piñata

One time you and Helena had a staring contest because you were both bored.

She won.

sometimes to get her close to you, you would sit on the sofa chair super quietly and still

And then you’d wait for her to come and sit on your lap thinking it was the chair

and it would work 

she would probably sit on your lap for a few minutes, confused as to why the chair felt elevated

and then she would feel your arms snake around her waist

and she would- “whAT THE FUCK- SCREEEEEEE”

she would probably make a cute bird noise and then just sit there, not knowing if she should leave or not

in her head, “THEIR LAP IS SO WARM OH MY GOD WHY DIDN’T THIS HAPPEN SOONER”

in real life, “let go of me you pathetic mortal”

you’d beg her to stay on ur lap longer and she would cave in

but she didn’t stay because she liked you! baka

Luca Balsa

living with luca will probably be the opposite of eli’s

messes, everywhere

inventions, everywhere

at one point though you had a sneaking suspicion he might be a bunch of rats.

 you saw him outside crouching beside you guys’ room with a bunch of rats coming out his sleeve and running into a crack in the building

“its for science!”

he’s also super scared of helena

Luca doesn’t like to admit it, but he got his purple eye from Helena after he made a bad pick-up line for the blind. 

She’s been chanting “one of us” and threatening to “finish the job” ever since.

he’s basically a big baby that needs to be taken care of

i feel like he might break down sometimes from not doing his invention right, or feeling insecure

but i guess his rats are there to help

but since he had a roomie, he wouldn’t be able to cry on his own

and its a good thing because he doesnt have to do everything by himself anymore

he learns to ask for help when living with you

you’d help him through his episodes and he would slowly start to become more reliant on you

if he was feeling a bit moody, he would unconsciously try to find you to cuddle with

if you lived with him, you’d probably have to be very responsible

luca would have his own bed that he would never sleep in because he wouldn’t be able to sleep without you in his arms

everytime he shifts in bed, you’d feel a tiny shock

it kinda bothered you so

you pranked Luca by touching him with those zappy ring things you’d get from a dollar store.

You just wanted that mother fucker to get a taste of his own medicine

he would basically be a puppy that follow you around, he would constantly old your head

probably refers to you as his

like if you downed a shot that barmaid made for you, he would be like, “EYYYY THATS MY BABy-heurghrhgh”

now you have a drunk baby that you have to take care of

You tried giving luca a shower afterwards, now you know how it feels getting electrocuted.

And trust me, Luca and water do not mix.

good luck have fun

Edgar Valden

living with edgar would consist of 

1. edgar being super specific of what was his and what you can’t touch

2. big tsundere baby

3. sketches of you hiding in his sketch book

if you lived with edgar, you’d have to be super patient with his nagging or else you’d have to find a new roomie

he’s constantly nagging you

but if you are tired of it and give him the silent treatment, he’d probably just nag you even more for attention

you need to give this man attention or else

you ignored him for a whole day once because he said something mean

he decided to give you some milk and cookies as an apology

the ‘milk’ was his muddy paint water and the cookies were expired

i feel like one day you two would be arguing about who moved his stuff, your argument being he unconsciously moved his stuff, his argument being you moved his stuff

you guys were so heated up you didn’t notice how close you two were getting

edgar ended up pouncing on you like a feral dog

though when you woke up, you both agreed that you ended up winning the argument

when you’re reading or just doing nothing, he’d ask to sketch you or paint you

i-its not because he thinks you’re beautiful or anything

its just because he thinks that your whole self is aesthetically pleasing and pleasing to the eye- but not because he thinks you’re pretty!

sometimes when he was super focused on his art, he wouldn’t notice your figure slowly approach him

you’d boop his nose and watch as he froze

wh- hoW DARE YOU LAY YOUR HANDS ON A VALDEN

secretly tho, he really loves it when you do that.

like

do it more

please or not whatever

Vera Nair

Vera would probably be a bit anxious when she heard she was gonna get a roomie

but she would do her best to be at her best behaviour

she’s very well mannered and is very polite

she’d kinda be the type to silently care for you

like, she’d notice the little things that bothered you and made sure they wouldn’t bother you ever again

like, if you stubbed your toe alot, she would give everything that you could stub your toe with, rubber covers or socks

but she wouldn’t tell you it was her even though it was obviously her

if you fell asleep on your desk instead of your bed, she would probably but a blanket on ur shoulders and a pillow underneath where you left your head

she’s the thoughtful type

before you went for matches, she’d give you a cheek kiss for good luck

and if you did the same, she would probably play it cool but then panic a second later.

theykissedmetheykissedmetheykissedme-

im sorry this is short idk what to do for her-

Norton Campbell

oh BOY

once norton starts to warm up to you, you guys are basically married

like there was no proposal, just “do you take this man to be your husband- you can’t say no”

he would probably take care of you alot

even when you didn’t need it

i can do it mysel- no

but actually, before he warmed up to you he was pretty cold, 

he felt himself growing feelings for you

and he didn’t want to because he was afraid he would lose you and he would have to go through the heartbreak of losing someone all over again

he would leave the room to go hang out somewhere else

he would keep his distance and not talk with you much

but there was this one time where you woke up with him around you, you just pretended you didn’t wake up and relished in the feeling

it took some time, but eventually he warmed up to you

though he still constantly worries about you, he doesn’t want you to get hurt

during matches he would always take hits for you, and just stay closer to you in general

he wanted to make sure you got back to the manor safely, it didn’t matter if he was sent back via rocket chair

he always put you as his #1 priority

he also gets jealous super easily, he’s scared someone will swoop you away from him

so to make sure everyone knows that you belong to him, he’d give you his clothes to wear

not only do his clothes look adorable on you, everyone will know that you’re his

probably pester you a lot if you tripped or got a paper cut

“yoU COULD HAVE DIED” “IT WAS A PAPER CUT”

Once, Norton got stuck to the fridge like a magnet for 5 hours

He’s been using that as an excuse to force you to bring him his snacks every since.

pick up lines are a definite yes

sometimes you’d be shitting and you’d hear outside the bathroom door a faint,

“My love for you is like Diarrhea.” “norton what the fuck im shitting-” “i just can’t hold it in” cue camera zooming in on his face and him smirking into the camera “OH MY GOD WHY”

like Luca, his bed is useless. he always needs you in his arms when sleeping, he wants to protect you and just feel you closer to him

puts him at ease

kisses? hell yes.

if you had to go to a match without him he would send you off with a ton of gross wet kisses on your face ew

He might even try to seduce you into staying

“norton I’m gonna lose morality points!” “fuck your morality points, i wanna smash”

Fiona Gilman

I feel like fiona would probably super psyched when she heard about sharing rooms with you

I headcanon her to be super bubbly and social but when she is alone with her thoughts she’d probably regret everything 

“why did i say that why did i say that why did i say that-”

probably prays to god, “please kill me”

she tries her best to make sure you’re comfortable

she doesnt make a big mess and she makes sure she cleans up after herself, overall a pretty cool roommate

except for those times for when she tries to babtize you while you’re showering-

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING” “THE LORD SHALL CLEANSE YOUR SOUL WITH HOLY WATER-” “what the f- iS THIS ALCOHOL???”

this has happened too many times^^^

one time she accidentally created an ultra portal in the toilet. 

Y’all still have no idea where it leads, and no intent of finding out. 

Although, Kreacher has been complaining of some nasty stuff appearing in his room

i feel like during matches she would always call you with her portals to say hi or just give you a small kiss

it stopped being cute when she went through the portal and ended up seeing the hunter instead of you

mentally scarred from that

sometimes things would disappear in your shared room too, not only the toilet

you’re convinced she has a bunch of hidden portals in the room

like, one time you dropped a pencil and it went through the ground.

you never saw it again

Or you know that missing sock?

Portaled.

i dont know what this turned into

#identity v #identity v fluff #identity v angst #identity v prisoner #identity v prospector #identity v norton campbell #norton campbell #helena adams #minds eye #minds eye x reader #norton x reader #norton campbell x reader #luca x reader #luca balsa x reader #identity v fanfiction #identity v headcanons #headcanons #helena x reader #helena adams x reader #prisoner x reader #prospector x reader #edgar x reader #edgar #edgar valden #painter idv #edgar valden x reader #painter x reader #luca #norton #priestess

[farty-city]

inside bo burnham review no one asked for

i enjoy other peoples commentary and i was writing down my first thoughts anyway so here it is

inside

first song/intro song

i like the phone screen on him, very reflective of how we have had phone screens on us

“roberts been a little depressed” osnskjdnfs

they were right “daddys made you some content so open wide” hjbfafn

intro

oh my god he looks awful

but like in a cute way

maybe

healing the world with comedy (second song)

the canned and queued laugher no exactly… is it a symbol or is it just funny.. who's to say. 

it think its a good first song, establishing he knows what he is doing is kind of useless 

“the indescribable power of your comedy”

he looks like marc maron rn

i like the synthed voice and synthesizer

the jesus allusion … yeah

“i'm a special kind of white guy”

this feels like he knows how he is perceived by fans.. Make happy was too much

his fucking dancing fksjdnfksj

i think he did a good job looking manic

the lasers lmao

Side 1

Bo made a huge gamble releasing this like,,, what if you just stumbled upon it and this was ur first introduction to him..

I bet its like when i comment dumb things on instagram comments and get that rush of hehehehe

NO NOT BO DEVELOPING BILLIE EILLISH VOWELS

Also this is exactly what he wanted like,, he just wanted to make his things and not deal with the crowds so..

To think i was like finding scraps of him performing at largo and stuff and now,, so much content

life imitates art

the way he's literally what he wrote hgbkdf

there is no authenticity with cameras

suicide ?

 facetime with my mom tonight

the blue light.. Yeah

o hblue like sad

i don't know how i feel about the electric music but i guess its no different than whatever else i listen to

this is sad wow

still catchy etc

side 2

i wonder if here will be any fart jokes

that is how the world works (songs)

the huge mess and then him in a sweater

this is reminiscent of that walmart muppets

he became tim minchin with a sock puppet

the “yes… yes sir” stoppp 

jkgdsnfijwkensfosnf

qbejfnjne

nerjgnoejns

bo making a political statement and a metaphor for activism and then making it weirdly kinky

brand consultant (bit)

man bun

i have to believe he filmed it with the beard because quarantine vibes and also bc he was tired of being seen as a child

white womans instagram (song)

i did not like that intro

BO AND GLASSES THANK GOD

the daisies wow just wow

underwear

“white womans instagram” or “bo burnham becomes a girlboss”

i like that he didn't lose his cadence like the way the rhymes are you can still tell its him

i don't get the mom part sorry

is it like how people are very superficial but also very personal on their instagrams

this part was legit sad

side 3

i wonder how he felt with cameras constantly on him

Although this is the point hes trying to make

lol seinfeld moment (bit)

unpaid intern (bit and song)

“barely people somehow legal” was so smooth woW

omg he was scatting

he was a man who would scat

oh my god what great news

the react clip omg

i cant believe he did that oh my god

observation/critisism and response to the “can anyone shut the fuck up” 

and as i realized what he was doing he was like “i have this need for everything i make to have a deeper meaning” oh my god

now the question is how long will this go on?

jeffrey bezos (song)

idk its catchy

and then theres him like sleeping and talking which kind of is part of the jeff bezos song

bug eyes salamanders hehe

sexting (song)

i do believe this is just a silly song 

the earrings tho omg

sounds like post malone hbkjdsnfskj

idk its still about like intimacy in quarantine and that stuff..

the knife (bit)

i know hes copying like other youtubers but like,,, what

stuck in a room (song)

the intro is very funny and relatable

classic bo i love it 

i will say this special has been more reflective but i suppose it has to be

“look whos inside again”

i like the end too, this is all a fabrication

this is the clip where hes staring at the projection of himself from his old youtube videos which is sort of more like an ending to the “stuck in my room” song

 sorry (song)

i love the 80’s style music and its like zumba

oh this is like an apology song

“father please forgive me for i did not realise what i did, or that id live to regret it” what a catchy line

i would say this is another more “classic” bo song where its self aware and funny

“my closet it chalk full of stuff that is vaguely shitty” 

camera falling

this deserves its own bullet because its silly

i'm turning 30 (bit and song)

i remember him talking about this on a podcast and like,, damn i didn't know this also happened LOL

i really like how he did the lighting 

“stupid fucking ugly boring children”

suicide talk (1)

this is interesting i like the use of the projection

this is something that could never have happened onstage

just like with the it being projected on him

i guess it could but it would have to be done differently and probably hed have to make it funnier to make it more engaging

intermission

i just checked this is about the halfway point.. Mh

i don't wanna know (song)

“i thought it’d be over by now”

i wish this was longer but i kind of like how its just a little snippet and then the cut

video game (bit)

“i guess i’ll cry again”

“is the dude big or is the room small” lol

hm depression

 feelin like shit (song)

ohh the lighting is fun again

this is the tone shift i suppose

the feels like supalonely and the new kind of music

atl

:(

panic attack 

everything all of the time (song)

feels like brandon rogers 

i enjoy this

this feels like “welcome to youtube” grew up

“a little bit of everything all of the time”

“apathys a tragedy and boredoms a crime”

ok olivia rodrigo

finishing the special (bit)

these feel like diary entries but as standup

interesting choice

jeffery bezos (2)

Why the seaweed suit

Where did he get that

the digital space (bit)

suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface

damn

pirate map anfdkjfnskjd

this was so stupid (affectonate)

that funny feeling (song)

the campfire vibes 

kenny loggins

i don't get it..

is it about childhood, is it about the present?

i think its talking about the end of content? 

“the end of culture”, to quote make happy

change and not liking it 

“we were overdue, but it will be over soon”

if the second half of the special is like a panic attack this song is like a momentary pause before it gets worse

“so ive been working on this special”/breakdown 

this was .. uncomfortable and genuine which i'm sure is why he kept it

all eyes on me (song/rant)

another sad thing to watch.. damn

me trying to tell if the audio was from make happy

i think he was trying to make it as if the audio was from make happy 

this feels.. familiar

and obviously that is the point

“come on in the waters fine”

the use of autotune during the talking part... yeah

sad that he was gonna make another special… and it would have been totally different than this

i’ve decided i like the homage to make happy

It feels like hes made peace with it

the montage of him waking up and the “i think i'm done”

and then of course the ending where he's watching it over to remind us that its all fabricated

possible ending song/ “i promise to never go outside again”

ngl he looks good in the shirt with the haircut hehe

which i feel like is what he wants up to notice

and then like not think after we saw all his breakdowns

“i want to hear you tell a joke when no ones laughing in the background”

i really like the medley

Final thoughts

I want a blooper reel, but this doesn't seem like the kind of special

I also wonder if the songs will be on like apple music, but again, doesn't seem like the kind of special

I'm happy for him, he got to be honest and open and show us the sort of panicky stuff

this self aware comedy is exactly the stuff that i think will be making a comeback in the next decade.  John better be pulling up with more deconstructed comedy. 

I hope this has given him peace

#i am so sorry for clogging the feed #bo burnham #inside #inside bo burnham #make happy #what. #words words words #bo fo sho #oh bo

[grimbeak]

What would happen if Jay was adopted by that time dude?

omg Krux yes-

also this 1 is gonna be plasma bc it’s a kai season and I just need some good Kai n Jay interactions where the former isn’t hating on the latter- 

So, Krux also went after Libber because she was just generally annoying and also he hated technology and wanted to get rid of anything that might power it 

Thing is... Libber was seriously preggo, and being the dumbass he is Krux didn’t know how to deal with that so he just let her have the baby, thought ‘oh look a human weapon i can use this’ and kidnapped surprise adopted bby Jay after killing Libber. Rip. 

Fast-forward seventeen years, Jay’s working at his ‘uncle’s’ museum. Whenever the ninja come over, he’s usually told to work in the back (Krux doesn’t want any of them to figure it out), but sometimes he sneaks out to go hang with them even though he secretly hates them all. 

Krux has told him about his plans, what happened with the other elemental masters, but it’s his own twisted version of it that makes it look like he’s in the right. Also, he told Jay that Libber was his sister and she dropped Bby Jay off somewhere for him to die, but Krux found him just in time. 

Jay also has to wear vengestone cuffs whenever he’s working/going out (which Krux rarely lets him do) to make sure no one sees his powers. 

Also I don’t believe that Wu has ever been to that museum in his life so he didn’t realize that Libber’s son was right that or that Krux was right there. 

Jay and Kai have been play-flirting with each other for years now (Kai’s was def real, Jay was faking it but he’s starting to not believe that but he can’t tell Krux otherwise Krux’ll be pissed), and basically all the ninja have just been hounding Kai to ask Jay out. 

But the season starts before that happens. 

Krux has told Jay ab Acronix, Acronix shows up, Jay and Acronix bond over not knowing shit ab technology (Jay was never really allowed to use it), also the fact that Acronix is a lot nicer to him than Krux is. 

For context, Krux is very emotionally abusive and a bit physically as well, because he’s an asshole. 

Acronix does not approve of his brother’s methods. 

So, onward goes the season. I don’t remember all that much ab it, so Ima just go off my memor- oh yeah the wiki exists right

Jay’s not allowed to help with the whole kidnapping Borg thing, in case he gets recognized. He thinks the snake things are very cool.

Acronix thinks Borg is cute because futureshipping is canon here. Jay decides to help his new uncle get a date despite the said date being kidnapped by them. 

Kai goes to the museum, Jay’s there to help him while Krux does Adult Things (taking over the world and dealing with snake idiots). Jay does not help him. Jay tries to fight him. With lightning! Kai realizes this is the lightning master they were told about. Worrying. 

Krux shows up like 30 seconds into their fight and is like ‘alr wtf’ and fights Kai. Kai is informed that his parents are traitors. Nya shows up to see a child and an old man beating up her brother, hoses them both. Jay does not like being hosed, thank you very much. Interferes with his lightning. Makes him sneeze. 

Krux, Acronix, Jay, and Borg get away. Kai has to deal with the fact that his parents were (apparently) traitors. 

Jay thinks ab Kai, and does his best to push down the feelings for him that he definitely has. 

Kai does the same.

Wu’s dying, no one actually cares except they do for some stupid reason. Ugh, feelings. 

When they go to get the timeblade Jay goes with Blunck and Raggmunk to supervise. 

...They still lose it. Krux is angry at Jay and an asshole to him. 

How the ninja get the timeblade without Jay? Dunno, Lloyd just runs really fast. 

,,,K so pretty much nothing important happens with Jay for the next few episodes so-

Skip forward to when Kai’s barging in on his parents, they do the whole ‘we;re not dead or evil you fucking idiot’ thing. Jay bursts in a few moments later, he’s attacking Kai, Nya, Ray, and Maya.

At this point Jay’s had a few conversations with Wu when he was guarding the old man, Wu’s pretty much stated that ‘hey you were supposed to be in multiple prophecies but you weren’t so we had to do it ourselves, after all this is over i can teach you stuff bcuz krux is kinda an asshole to you’.

Ray and Maya know that Libber’s dead and was killed by Krux, but Jay was always kept away from them. They tell him now, with a note from Libber to him for proof.

...Jay really doesn’t know how to feel right now. 

He runs off to Krux while Kai and the others do their whole thing, Krux is finishing up doing smthn before getting to the time-travel-dragon thing. 

Here’s how it goes:

J, bursting into K’s shop and shoving the note towards him: “This isn’t true, right? Tell me it isn’t true.” 

K, skimming the note: “What is thi-” He goes silent. 

J: “...No. No, you’re lying. It’s not true, right?”

K: “You were never supposed to find out.”

J: “You lied to me! You said she abandoned me, not that you killed her! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” 

K: “It was necessary. She was on the wrong side, I had you under my control.”

J: “You killed my mother, you fucking-” K hits him hard across the side of the face, and J flinches as he stumbles back. J goes silent.  

K: “Shut. Up. You’re being ridiculous, I raised you. I am your protector, you are my successor.” He puts his arm around J, who is still silent.

J, shrugging off K’s arm: “No. I’m. NOT!” He shoots a bolt of lightning at K, knocking the old man back across the room and into some shelves, which collapse on top of him. 

J: Pants for a moment, before his eyes go wide. “Kai.” He turns, running out of the room. “KAI!” 

annd that’s it for that segment

wow family drama

Also Jay’s had a few moments throughout the season where Kai and he were... close in more ways than one so he is very in love. 

Acronix isn’t going on the dragon thing bcuz he is too gay and in love with Borg so 

Krux gets the last timeblade after kidnapping the Smith family and also Wu, Jay has to assure the other ninja ‘hey so im on ur side now and very bi for kai where is he by the way’

No idea how Krux got there in time. Probably used a gold cart or smthn, 

Krux goes back in time with Nya, Kai, and Wu, while Acronix and Borg are in love elsewhere. Jay bonds with the rest of the ninja as Ray dies next to them. Fun times. 

Krux is stopped, things happens, plasma kiss. Yay. 

annnd,,, that’s it. 

...

Oh yeah and Jay lives with his nicer uncle and his very smart boyf in said boyf’s tower of electronics 

#Abuse tw #Krux ninjago #Jay ninjago #Kai ninjago #Cole ninjago #Zane ninjago #Lloyd ninjago #Nya ninjago #Acronix ninjago #Cyrus Borg ninjago #We don't stan Krux #Family drama #Libber ninjago #Ray ninjago #Maya ninjago #Ns7 #Adoption AU #Plasmashipping #Futureshipping #Wu ninjago

[spoondrifts]

long post ahead I'm sorry-

crack au where Jonah Magnus is a good guy but everything keeps going wrong and he spends all of his time running around trying to stop his employees from diving headfirst into their Fuck Up™ of the week

in this au Jonah is almost entirely incompetent but he's got the exasperated parent thing down enough to make up for his lack of braincells

he's also at least 7% dumber than he is in canon

s1 Jon: please call pest control there are so many worms

s1 Elias: I already did

Jon: and??

Elias: they ate them

Jon: the worms?

Elias: the pest control guys. the worms ate them

Elias spends the entirety of season 2 desperately trying to convince Jon that none of them killed Gertrude (in this au Gertrude just had a stroke or something in the tunnels). Elias stops Jon from destroying the table but a week later something heavy falls on it and the NotThem escapes anyway. Elias bashes in Leitner's head with a pipe after mistaking him for the monster and Jon gets framed.

now Elias has to convince this hunter that Jon is innocent while Jon runs around and harasses various fear avatars (who are all very amused with Elias' wayward Archivist). Jon assumes Elias knows nothing about all this bullshit because Elias is just his weird and uptight boss who accidentally killed someone, he can't possibly know that there are literally fear gods ruling over them

olive ⚰ has named the group 'Avatars ✨'

JMagnus 👀: Jude please don't hurt him. I'll explain everything when he gets back to the Institute.

🔥: too late

JMagnus 👀: What?

🔥: too late

🔥: burned him

[JMagnus 👀 is typing]

JMagnus 👀: Where is he now.

🔥: going to mike

JMagnus 👀: Mike Crew???

🔥: ya

Elias RACES to Mike's house but he. he fucking misses them. the Beholding helpfully tells him that they're all going back to the Institute so Basira and Daisy can interrogate him, which isn't ideal, he'd really like to not go to jail, so he drafts up an employment contract on the way back and barely manages to escape the whole thing with his life intact.

then he explains everything to Jon because if Jon is going to end up being the Archivist, being uninformed won't do. Jon becomes the Archivist completely on accident and Elias is desperately trying to make all of this work because, haha, the Unknowing is coming up, and Elias is not in the fucking mood to deal with clowns.

olive ⚰ has named the group 'all that is terror uwu'

spidey🕸: lmfaooo jonah how do you make an archivist on accident

JMagnus 👀: He stumbled into it. All I can do now is ensure he doesn't die.

JMagnus 👀: Or get further injured by the rest of you.

🔥: woops

🎭: hEy gUyS lOnG tiMe nO sEe

🎭: gEt iT eLiAs

🎭: sEe

JMagnus 👀: Beholding puns are not amusing from a manifestation of the Stranger.

🎭 has named the group 'eLiAs bE niCe tO niKoLa cHaLlEnGe'

🔥: haha

spidey🕸: I'm sure Nikola will be on her best behavior

🎭: yEaH i wOnT kiDnAp yOuR aRcHiViSt

[JMagnus 👀 is typing]

mike n ike: hey guys what'd I miss

🔥: arent you dead

mike n ike: yeh but I came back

JMagnus 👀: NIKOLA ORSINOV WHERE IS JONATHAN SIMS

🔥: can't you see haha

mike n ike: heh "see"

JMagnus 👀: NIKOLA

spidey🕸: wow he must be pissed

spidey🕸: he left out the punctuation

JMagnus 👀: I WILL BREAK ALL OF YOUR PLASTIC BONES WHERE'S MY ARCHIVIST

🎭 has left the chat.

JMagnus 👀: what the FUCK

since he's still a coward Elias sends Michael to go fetch Jon, only finding out after the fact that he very nearly almost signed Jon's death warrant. Elias is now speedrunning Jon's development because fuck the Unknowing is coming up really quickly and Tim is a self destructive mess and Melanie keeps trying to stab Elias and Martin is a pining idiot and goddammit he didn't sign up for this

Elias prepares Jon the best he can for the Unknowing, because even though he knows the ritual will fail, the Circus can still cause a considerable amount of damage and he needs them out of the way.

the Unknowing happens. Jon ends up in a wack ass coma, Tim is dead, Daisy's in the coffin, and Basira is starting to look like the better choice of Archivist because jesus christ Jon has no self preservation instinct. Elias doesn't get arrested this time around but his ex husband starts coming by the Institute and fucking with all his employees. and the Flesh is attacking. jesus. goddamn.

olive ⚰ has named the group 'bully elias'

JMagnus 👀: Why are you all so mean to me? I'm arguably the nicest one here.

🔥: ur joking right

Peter Lukas: you're not nice you didn't buy me an anniversary gift 😢😢😢

JMagnus 👀: I was busy.

Peter Lukas: doing what

JMagnus 👀: Stopping the Flesh from destroying my Institute. Besides, you didn't remember my birthday.

Peter Lukas: you're 200 years old how could I remember 😓

helen!!!!!: We All Know I'm The Nicest One Here!!

JMagnus 👀: How did you make your text that colorful?

helen!!!!!: IDK

JMagnus 👀: Liar.

helen!!!!!: That's Literally My Job

olive ⚰: hey eli your archivist just woke up I think

🔥: ew why

helen!!!!!: How Delightful!! Maybe I'll Throw Him A Glad You're Alive Party!!

olive ⚰: should we invite him to this chat since he's an avatar now

Peter Lukas: no 🙅 🚫❌

Peter Lukas: I hate archivists 😤😤

olive ⚰: still mad about gertrude huh

🔥: were all still mad about gertrude

🔥: but jons fine once you burn some manners into him

JMagnus 👀: Can you all please stop hurting Jon? Or talking about hurting him? I would like my Archivist to not acquire any more scars.

🔥: damn

Peter Lukas: damn 😔

Elias keeps trying to teach Jon how to pick certain victims to feed off of because personally he has no qualms about feeding from innocents but Jon!! actually trusts him!!! so Elias doesn't want to push Jon into making decisions that will offend his moral sensitivities.

things are actually going okay for a while. Elias starts going home at a reasonable time in the evenings and Jon is actually getting some sleep. and then-

Elias is having a nice dream about Peter trying to fish Simon Fairchild out of a sky filled with eyes when he abruptly sits up in bed, wide awake.

"Ah, fuck," he says to Peter, who is laying on the floor where it is Lonelier™. "Jon's doing something stupid. I Know it."

Peter's mumbled "isn't he always" goes unnoticed as Elias hurries to the Institute, where he finds a fucking rib on Jon's desk and the coffin in the middle of the room.

Peter Lukas has named the chat 'archivists ruin my sleep schedule and my sex life'

JMagnus 👀: What the fuck do I do?? I can't go into the Buried! Why is Jon so stupid? I didn't know he had zero braincells when I hired him!

🔥: ngl why havent you fired him yet

JMagnus 👀: Beholding won't let me. We're all bound to the Institute.

🔥: F

JMagnus 👀: Why are there no Buried avatars in here? Please someone help me.

mike n ike: lol the buried is gross why would anyone go down there

spidey🕸: does he have an anchor?

[JMagnus 👀 sent an image]

🔥: is that a fucking rib

spidey🕸: wow that's not a good anchor at all

spidey🕸: he needs someone he loves

JMagnus 👀: Thanks. Gtg.

spidey🕸: np

🔥: are we not going to talk about his rib

🔥: how the fuck did he get that out of his body

🔥: yall

🔥: YALL

it takes three days for Elias to find Martin.

"Please tell me why the fuck you're dabbling in the Lonely," Elias says as Martin steps sheepishly out of the fog.

"Ah. Well. Jon can't See into it very well and sometimes we like to spice up our se-"

"Stop before I have to gouge my eyes out again."

"A-Again-?"

Elias drags Martin back to the Institute. Martin starts setting tapes on the coffin because "Jon loves these" and Elias starts bashing his head into the wall.

Jon climbs out of the coffin with Daisy and Elias almost considers locking Jon in his office so the damn archivist can't do anything else ridiculous. instead, Elias very calmly takes Jon by the shoulders, and shakes him like a rag doll.

"Stop fucking with entities, you stupid, stupid man," Elias says, shaking Jon more viciously now.

after several hours of breathing exercises Elias returns to his house and doesn't take his Sight off of Jon for the rest of the night, which is a fun experience for Peter when he wakes up and finds Elias' bloodshot eyes staring directly at him in the morning.

JMagnus 👀 added Daisy to 'archivists ruin my sleep schedule and my sex life'

Peter Lukas has named the chat 'archivist hate club'

JMagnus 👀 has named the chat 'shut up peter'

Peter Lukas has named the chat 'you love jon more than me'

JMagnus 👀 has named the chat 'I don't love either of you I'm heartless'

Peter Lukas has named the chat 'I want a divorce'

spidey🕸: jeez take your marital dispute elsewhere

spidey🕸 has named the chat 'lonelyeyes dni'

Daisy: wtf is this

mike n ike: it's a chat for avatars

mike n ike: and ex avatars ig

Daisy: didn't I kill you

mike n ike: yea

JMagnus 👀: Hello, Daisy. Welcome to the group chat.

Daisy: why is Jon not in here

Peter Lukas: because I hate him 😁

spidey🕸: Elias talks mad shit in here and Jon would get offended

Daisy: if you talk bad about Jon I'll rip your throat out

Daisy: :)

JMagnus 👀: Noted.

mike n ike: he's kinda rude tho

Daisy: I've killed you once

Elias' only goal now is to keep Jon and his assistants from pulling any more wild stunts without his supervision. his renewed involvement with the archival staff results in a few things he'd hoped to avoid: drink invites, physical contact (Martin is surprisingly quick to start hugging Elias once he realizes Elias won't stop him), and- shudder -feelings. because Elias genuinely cares about his staff and doesn't want any harm to befall them. especially Jon. Jon is his Archivist, the only one to ever succeed like this, and Elias will be damned if he lets anything happen to him.

"Why do you care?" Jon asks, once, compulsion thrumming like static on his tongue. "About us, I mean. I would've assumed you'd want to perform the Beholding's ritual."

Jonah Magnus attempted the Watcher's Crown once, when he was young and new. he'd brought his patron close, but not all the way through, and the backlash of power killed all the inmates at Millbank and severely crippled Jonah's connection to the Eye for months afterward. he grew to assume that the Beholding simply preferred the world as it was--ripe with fear for watching. it didn't need a ritual.

he instead dedicated himself to growing stronger, cultivating his Institute of knowledge, his stronghold. if he tore out a few people's eyes when he got too old, then, well, collateral. but he doesn't want the world to end, and knows now that no ritual will ever succeed unless it brings in all the Powers at once. and he doesn't want that either.

it's concerning to him that Jon seems to be collecting marks regardless. the only ones he's missing are the Dark and the Lonely, and Elias is determined to keep it that way.

he explains all of this to Jon who, to his credit, takes it pretty well. Jon is fascinated with historic life and Elias spends some time simply recounting tales of his youth, when he still bore the name Magnus.

they bond. it's good.

and one day Basira does a little too much research and discovers the dark sun waiting in Ny Alesund. she insists they need to go and see what's left of the People's Church, they need to ensure everything is taken care of. Jon is rather insistent too. and Elias wouldn't have been inclined to let them go, except Peter was finally home after weeks at sea, and it wasn't like Jon was defenseless, he could call Elias if anything went wrong...

so, very reluctantly, Elias gives them the all clear. Basira, Jon, and Martin head north, and Elias almost forgets they've gone when he arrives home and Peter already has dinner prepared.

Jon comes back marked by the Dark.

Elias curses himself, over and over, for being foolish enough to let them go, for not keeping a closer eye on them. he knows the ritual won't work unless a certain incantation is spoken, so he'll just have to keep world-ending written chants away from Jon. easy. and it's not like Jon will even get marked by the Lonely. Peter wouldn't.

(but Martin doesn't have the same level of control, and sometimes...)

it's an accident. Martin and Jon are testing it, pushing the boundaries, when Martin pulls them both into the Lonely. Elias threatens divorce until Peter caves and fetches them, but it's too late. Jon has been marked by all fourteen Powers.

Elias tells him, and warns him to check everything he reads.

helen!!!!! has named the chat 'apocalypse babey'

JMagnus 👀: How are you doing that?

JMagnus 👀: And the apocalypse is not imminent. I have the situation under control.

olive ⚰: ha yeah

JMagnus 👀: What do you mean by that?

olive ⚰: nothing

JMagnus 👀: Well, now I certainly think it's something.

olive ⚰: it's just

olive ⚰: don't you think it's kinda weird that @spidey🕸 has been offline for so long

🔥: thats weird shes always online

JMagnus 👀: Oliver, what are you implying?

olive ⚰: idk

olive ⚰: just weird, that's all

🔥: never good when the spiders are quiet

olive ⚰: hear hear

Elias gets a sinking feeling in his stomach, and beside him, Peter looks alarmed. meanwhile, in his flat with Martin making tea in the other room, Jon has a statement clutched in his grasp.

Hello, Jon.

I would apologize for the deception, but I'm afraid that's quite what I'm good at. I'm not one to monologue, that's more Jonah's shtick, so shall we get on with things?

I admit I underestimated Jonah Magnus. He's still remarkably easy to manipulate, but when he abandoned the Watcher's Crown ritual I knew I would have to take a different approach. The Mother is not so satisfied with the world as she may have insinuated. It is our turn to rise, Jon.

At the age of eight, you were marked by us. We sent you to the Magnus Institute in the hopes that a new Archivist would rekindle Jonah's desire to end the world. Unfortunately, it seemed as though he grew fond of you, and so we brought in a new plan. We marked you. One fear at a time. Jonah gave an admirable attempt at protecting you, but ultimately, he is an incompetent old fool, and I am a Weaver. Even Jonah Magnus dances to invisible strings.

Everyone underestimates a spider until it bites. Poison is poison, Jon, regardless of the medium in which it is served.

You will be safe in this new world. Martin, too. Perhaps even Jonah and his Lukas, if the Mother deems them worthy.

Now, please repeat after me...

Jon reads the ink scratched words, eyes welling up with tears and hands trembling, as thunder crashes outside and a howling gale picks up beyond the windows. Martin is shouting something, there's the crawling press of Elias' gaze as it rests heavy behind Jon, a silent observer. He can feel Elias' soothing presence, cool and calm in the raging storm.

Elias is still watching out for him.

Strings are wrapped around his wrists, jerking his arms up in a poor mockery of religious regard, strange hysterical laughter clawing out from his throat.

Jon's tears run red. Somewhere, Elias is still watching.

The door opens.

#woops this turned into angst? sorry #long post #tma #the magnus archives #magnuspod #elias bouchard #jonah magnus #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #peter lukas #daisy tonner #lonely eyes #jude perry #mike crew #simon fairchild #helen distortion #nikola orsinov #annabelle cane #oliver banks #basira hussain #tma au #crack #tma mini fic #the web #the eye #good guy elias

[ticklishraspberries]

i see ur hc request and raise you: tell me all about ticklish!five, i love one (1) deranged old man

oh lord you have unleashed the beast within me

i don’t think five is the most ticklish sibling, but he definitely has his spots that rival the others

stealing a headcanon from i believe @peachytickles that five’s palms are deathly ticklish b/c of his powers

and, of course, as i think the whole fandom can agree, his knees are insanely ticklish as well, and his academy uniform always leaves them easily accessible!!

i don’t think his siblings would know about how ticklish his hands are at first. it’s not really a spot anyone thinks to tickle, but i assume one of them figured it out by accident, maybe allison with her long nails or vanya trying to be sweet and comforting and running her fingers over his hand and five gasps like he’s been shot and clamps his hand around hers

he was usually more of a ler when they were kids, pretending to be above it most of the time, but secretly finding a lot of joy in making his siblings laugh til they cried. ben was his favorite target.

however, when he’s reverted back to his teenage body, he quickly realizes that even his assasin training can’t make up for his small size and noodle arms. he quickly becomes the target of plenty of tickle attacks, and he hates it (or, at least, he pretends to)

his laugh is kind of all over the place; sometimes he’s all bubbly, childish giggles, but other times it’s loud shrieks and screams. either way, he’s threatening bodily harm on his ler through it.

he can’t use his powers when he’s not focused, and tickling makes him incredibly unfocused, taking away his greatest chance at escape

klaus specifically likes to do silly childish stuff with him (“this little piggie”, singing “itsy bitsy spider” while tickling up his sides, raspberries, silly things like that!) and it makes five so fucking embarrassedangry

also, five cannot take being teased, he gets so defensive and flustered. he will deny being ticklish while squirming and cackling beneath his ler and scream at them to shut up when they point out how he clearly is

you wouldn’t think it, but five can be a begger once you drive him to it. he stays strong for the first bit of tickles, but once you get him tired out or target a weak spot, he’s suddenly way less interested in murdering you and much more inclined to promise you anything to get your fingers away from his ribs

worst spots are his palms, knees, ribs, and his neck (specifically beneath his chin)

lower body tickles = getting kicked, probably, so his siblings have to hold him down well

once vanya made him snort while tickling his sides. she laughed so hard he got the chance to teleport away and he was so flustered, vanya deadass thought he would never look her in the eye again. about an hour later, he was back in her room, tickling her til she swore not to tell a single soul.

#spritewrites #ticklish!five #tua #the umbrella academy #five hargreeves #raspberry hcs #tuahc

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

I like the implication that, in what is basically Gearbox's own Bl3 AU, Tyreen respects Amara more than she respects her own twin brother. Like. For some reason Tyreen suddenly values the loyalty of a single cultist (those things she eats and views as disposable) more than gaining another set of Siren powers and ascending further to Godhood. It's really funny to me

She absorbs her brother and steals Lilith's powers and attempts to absorb the Destroyer in order to become a God, but no she draws the line at Amara because Amara had [checks notes] "loyalty and usefulness on the battlefield". Sorry, didn't realize those were things Tyreen values given she bleeds a shitton of her loyal battle forces dry like she's sucking down smoothies, but yeah OK.

Like. I KNOW. That this is just for the new body customizations. I GET IT. I know they needed to write up SOMETHING. but God damn it this made me laugh so hard like. They did the main story again. They did it fuckin AGAIN and they did it WORSE.

Because yeah in the actual game Amara is on our team and we can just kinda half hand-wave away the twins not going for her powers as a sort of "oh they never saw an opportunity they didn't wanna risk their plans" (totally ignoring Jakobs Manor with Troy because if you play as Amara, uh, Troy's got some self esteem issues picking monologuing over obtaining more siren powers given we know he can absorb the people in his phaselock cuz he does it to Tyreen) but now AMARA IS LITERALLY IN THE CULT, ON THEIR TEAM. If her loyalty is that goddamn notable that she becomes a holy avatar of Tyreen maybe just be like "hey, wanna do something cool for ur God Queen? Lemme have your powers to get to the Great Vault and you'll stand next to me when I open it". Boom loyal cultist has been SUCKERED into giving up her powers FOR FREE. And if Amara would've been like "oh hell no" and left after Tyreen asked for her powers why is Amara okay with Tyreen and Troy stealing OTHER Sirens powers. Not to mention that Tyreen would not even need to ask for the powers, just sneak up behind Amara n take them, it's not like she'd be on guard 24/7 because she joined the CoV OF HER OWN VOLITION.

But nah we just uh let her keep her powers because um. She's loyal and strong. Like all of our other cultists. Yeahhhh. LMAO. Ah God. It's so bad. The others aren't great either (Zane swaps from trying to hide in the CoV to being a bandit leader solely because his relatives were bandit leaders like can I get a yikes from all my siblings with shitty relatives), but Amara's really got to me as I was thinking it through.

The other 3 don't need 'divine intervention' from the twins when they join the cult so they can slip under their radar, but Amara definitely fucking does as a God damn SIREN and that's where it went wrong. Like, again, I know it's just so we can have these new cosmetics and shouldn't be taken that seriously but ahhhhh it's so laughable fhhagshdkdhhfk like yeah you'll be our... Uh... holy... avatar..? Yeah sure that. You'll survive if you stay with us, Siren [wink wink]

They could've just said something like 'the twins are letting Amara keep her powers for now to lull her into a false sense of security until they need/yoink them later' or some shit and idve been like oh sick boom case closed this cosmetic is just from before they take them. But instead they say Tyreen allows Amara to keep her powers because she's loyal and good at fighting. Bitch you'd be good at fighting too if you took Amara's powers and added them to your own set.

In fact now I'm just disappointed we never heard of Tyreen or Troy when they had their powers going down with the masses of cultists to fight. No vlog footage of them livestreaming combat from their perspective like Maya does in a video call from Athenas.

It kinda makes them seem like they can't do anything by themselves (all we see them do is sneakily steal vault monsters after we do all the hard work, kill Maya completely by accident and intimidate a 12 year old, surprise attack us but only to monologue and get shot by an old man they can't even catch, then sneakily yoink Tannis. I guess they also steal Lilith's powers at the start of the game but that's... Well it's Lilith, the queen of shitty decisions who 100% could have teleported with the Vault Map instead of fighting, and the twins still had the element of surprise on their side to get the upper hand) which really undermines the whole thing they're trying to build up with Sirens being stupid powerful and them being the Main Villains of a shooter video game.

At least with Jack we were told up front that he was a coward and wouldn't fight fair or directly if he could help it by angel herself. The start of the game he tries to blow us up on a train with a cocky sign, not fight us head on. Meanwhile the twins are all like "nooo we're unkillable gods" and everyone we meet is like "noooo they're terrifying cult leaders" and they go after Lilith to take her powers by surprising her with Troy being a Siren (?) and then we don't ever see them actually, really FIGHTING again until their final boss fights where we kill them. Making it come across like they probably only ever got lucky in combat instead of using their skill sets.

They don't even have to be on the battlefield when the VHs are fighting, but imagine calling ahead to another planet and instead of seeing yet another bunch of nameless cultists killing people, you saw Tyreen and Troy doing their own thing with their Siren abilities while the CoV took care of stragglers. Literally anything to make them feel intimidating instead of noise machines. Like damn. Imagine if they showed Troy doing his orb sword rock attacks in-game to kill a bunch of civilians with guns before we fought him. Or wait was him actually getting that power cut along with the explanation for the Vault of the Architects 😩

Idk I'd like to imagine instead of their shitty meme videos that play on repeat on eden-6 even though they're both dead god damn it turn the fucking videos OFF there are compilations of kills by Tyreen having both Phaseleech and Phasewalk on the battlefield. Troy with Phaselock executing people with his giant sword while cultists cheer him on while swarming other people. Let them have mlg pro sound effects and editing and shitty dubstep if you must BUT AT LEAST WE'D HAVE REASON TO BE LIKE "oh shit, we're about to fight these guys how will we survive against those attacks" instead of "oh, finally, I get to shut them the hell up". It'd be terrifying, but so cool to see and would really build up the boss fights at the end of the game in general. Especially Tyreen's, seeing all her sweet Abilities and combos, teleporting behind people and insta killing them anime style, maybe gaining new ones by combining Phaseleech and Phasewalk together into some twisted amalgamation of powers. Wow. That'd be great.

[remembers the disappointment of Tyreen the Destroyer and her not even absorbing thrown grenades to kill us with them as she previously showed she was 100% capable of that] sigh. [wipes it from his memories] like it's so sad Tyreen just spontaneously combusts at the end of Bl3, imagine the awesomeness of fighting a Siren with 2 sets of siren powers at once who then, out of desperation in the final phase of her fight, absorbs a space abomination and becomes one herself because she's not giving up her dream that easily. Wow.

I'm rambling now lol. This whole "Amara is definitely still a Siren but don't think about it" situation just makes me laugh and I wanted to talk about it because it's borderlands why else. Just imagining Amara showing up immediately after Tyreen takes Lilith's powers and Tyreen going like "yup not taking those powers she's chill I like her" and then turning around and absorbing her brother instead is just. Comedic gold.

#No but fr bro WHAT #Tyreen would have sniped those powers as soon as they appeared and she had a clean shot #She `fights` Lilith for hers and it was more of a beat down but she GOES FOR THEM *knowing* that Lilith was the Firehawk (strong) #Imagine if Amara joined the cult and was completely chill around Tyreen she'd go for those powers in an instant like. HELLO #Godhood is calling my good b!tch!!! #It took me 2 days to read this because I genuinely dislike these customizations solely bc the VHs as characters would NEVER #I can see them not becoming VHs #Understandable. But joining the CoV? Nah Im drawing the gatdam line #Borderlands #Borderlands 3 #Cruddy rambles

[cuddlecave]

is xiphoid

first: you *are* good

next: alright thingrey au

how bout an alternate 'the team finds out the shapeshifter is still alive, whoops!' but in an utterly disastrous way

it's been a while since antarctica! a long while, and gord and benr *meant* to tell the team about them ages ago, when benr became human shaped again, but there just never seemed to be a good time? and really, whats one more day, week, month...

anyway the team is utterly oblivious of benr, but being aware of gord, means that's they've noticed he's not been spending as much time with them! been spending, like, a lot of time at home, actually--or away from town. sometimes even avoiding them! they're worried, bc really, this is not the way to deal with trauma, gord! you don't pull away from your friends, you get help! just bc you can't see a therapist doesn't mean you shouldn't try to process it!

anyway, gords generally cagey about where he is, but on a rare team night where he had come to hang over...they very much on purpose get him drunk. now, drunk gord is still pretty fucking cagey (he loves his boyf and would never endanger him if possible), which is a shame, but tom is able to ask a question casually enough that gord doesn't think about it...and ends up telling them he goes out to the [insert desert area here] sometimes. when pressed on why he goes, he seems to realize he made a mistake, and bolts, cutting the night short.

now, credit to gord, him and benr don't go back to that particular desert area after that. but the team are damn smart, and figure that just bc he's not at that area anymore, doesn't mean he's not in *any* desert area anymore.

takes some trial and error--figuring out when gord seems to be out (he never answers his phone when he's out, his car is not at home), and then checking a desert area (didn't get anything but desert the first few times). but eventually...they find his car.

things paint...a worrying picture. there's camping/chilling gear in the car (chairs and a shitty tent, left from when gord tried camping several years ago and never bothered to remove from his car) but they're not set up and gords not there? the doors arent locked and the keys are in ignition? (gord doesn't want to drop his keys running from benr, he did that once and it sucked. also why he doesn't bring his phone! but he's out like 55 miles from the nearest town, who's gonna steal his car?) there's torn up foliage around, as if something big came through (benr may give gord a head start, but he still likes to be big enough to a) chase well, and b) nom gord after), and most worryingly--a set of human footprints in the sand, clearly running based on stride. and some strange larger footprint *next to them*.

their friend was ambushed by something big, and is going to get got. (this is not entirely untrue. not ambushed, but definitely going to get got, lol.) they set off quickly following the footprints.

meanwhile-gord and benr are having a *great* time! the exercise feels nice for both of them, it's a cloudy day so it's shady, they're gonna order pizza and play playstation after this--its gonna be a wonderful day. it already is!

gord, at this point, is beginning to tire out. benr is getting closer. he pushes himself a bit farther, to stretch out the chase just a touch longer, and makes a sharp turn around a rock formation, causing benr to briefly crash into it, giving him a few more steps. but he's tired, and well, benr has better stamina--and agility. benr bounds over the rock formation and uses it's height to gain just a bit of an extra boost, and tackle-hugs gord. they nearly crash into some sharp shrubs, but they're fine.

gord turns and looks up at benr and grins, and benr leans down to him, and gives him a long kiss. gord hums in contentment and relaxes. he's gonna get to doze, now, before driving. naptime, hell yeah.

benr picks him up to swallow him and he just remains basically limp, exhausted, letting benr manhandle him, gently maneuvering him into his jaws. he's swallowed with little fanfare, and happily settles in his tum, almost immediately starting to doze as benr starts to walk.

then he hears screaming, and benr sharply moves, and suddenly he's wide awake.

-

the team follow the tracks. it's a long walk, even moving at speed--gord must have really been booking it, which means hopefully he's still safe, got away some how. surely nothing would chase him for too long, when he was outrunning it this well. the trail goes on and on and on--its looking less like this thing gave up. and gords footsteps are shorter, he's not managing a hard run anymore. they're coming up on a rock formation--its still several hundred feet away. close enough to see a figure that can only be gord run from behind it, but far, far to far away to do anything about what happens next.

they see him turn sharply, and something big hits the rocks, clearly taken off guard. he makes it a few steps. and the team look on in absolute horror as what can only be the shapeshifter jumps off the top of the rocks, and tackles gord to the ground. they're partially obscured by the desert plants, but it's enough to see, even at this distance, the rippling body parts of the creature, pinning gord down.

the thing leans its head down toward gord, and they can't see what's happening with the plants and distance. and then.

it picks a completely unmoving gord up, and swallows him whole.

oh, god. it snapped his neck. it ate him. it's going to try to finish what it started in antarctica oh fuck does anyone have a flamethrower?!

a seeing it stand and start to leisurely walk in the direction they came from, they're finally broken from they're spell of silence and horror. somebody starts screaming angrily, and bubby has a lighter and big spray, making a makeshift flamethrower--and they run towards it in vengeance.

it notices them and sharply turns, booking it in the opposite direction.

(1/?)

continued under the read more!

(cont) oh fuck, thinks benr. this is not good. Not Good at all. gord frantically asks what's going on?! and goes cold when benr says 'ur friends saw us. and buby has fire.' the good thing is, benr is bigger and faster than humans. the bad thing is that he's been running all morning and now has over 200 pounds of boyf swaying in him, even if he's holding gord as tight as possible so he's not getting thrown everywhere. he's not gonna last long, and there's nowhere to hide. gord is furiously thinking. but he's also exhausted, and panicking. the thoughts in his brain are sticky like drying glue when he tries do something with them, and he can feel benr slowing. it's not by much, but his alien bf getting hurt *at all* is unacceptable, so. he decides to stop thinking and start doing. he tells benr to 'stop and let me out! as fast as you can!' and benr skids to a stop and turns half facing the approaching team, and splits his abdomen open and gord comes tumbling out into the light, getting immediately covered in dust and mud sticking to the saliva covering him. it's kinda gross, but at the moment it's not even registering, bc in those moments buby has nearly caught up. gord stands, pushes benr behind him, who let's himself be pushed purely out of surprise, and holds his hands out. 'its me! I'm fine it's ok it's me, please I can explain, just turn off the fire! it's ok!' but the thing is, as far as they're concerned...'you fucking imposter we saw gord die! get a better lie!' and buby is still running full tilt at them. gord has enough time to think, *aw fuck, this is gonna hurt*, before buby lights his makeshift flamethrower and gord is suddenly extremely hot, in pain, and knocked on his back. he can see the sky for a quick moment, before what can only be benr is standing over him, protecting him from further fire. a few limbs quickly use the dirt to put out the couple embers on his shirt (well, what's left of his shirt...) buby jerks back at the large being leaping in his direction, but it stops as it stands over the gord-imposter. which... is not moving. or writhing like the shapeshifter, or trying to split off from the damaged part. it's just...lying there. shallowly breathing as if in shock. buby gets a bit of a sinking feeling. - I got tired after writing this but basically benr tries to angle around enough to protect gord and also use teal green on him from another mouth. the team quickly figure out something is fucky, and that gord...might not be a Thing?? gord is in zero shape to have a real conversation--burns are serious business, and he basically passes out during teal-green. so why was the creature... protecting gord?? especially if it ate him?!?! there's an uneasy (extremely uneasy) truce, and benr carries gord back to the car, flamethrower pointed at them the whole way. they leave gords car and take them both back to toms place, in the car they drove in. it is supremely awkward. especially when gord wakes up for half a minute, kisses benr, and passes out again. not sure how it would go from there,, .... didn't mean to accidentally write a minific but here we are!! I really like the 'extreme misunderstanding vore' trope, lol.

ohhhh man this is like an angsty version of a regular not-a-game au idea i've thought up before o: thinking about what would happen next... the whole car ride home, benb was hitting gord with more healing (tho he gave the guys ample warning first about what he was doing so they wouldn't think he was attacking or something), and thanks to that, gord's burns are healed up to the point where he doesn't need hospitalization, just some burn cream and good rest to finish it off. (and a hair cut. benb is very sad that he couldn't repair gord's burned hair and beard. when gord's awake again he's just "Dude it'll grow back, don't worry." "i knooowwww but it still sucks. your hair was SO pretty. and you look like a sixteen-year-old without facial hair. kinda weird. babyfaceman." "WOW shut up."). when gord's awake and aware enough again, they all have a sit down and get an explanation from him and benb. benb goes on to basically give a summary of his whole backstory; explain what exactly he his and how he got to earth, and what he was trying to do both at the b'mesa base and that first norwegian base he first thawed out in. when he gets to the part about why he never wanted to hurt the sciteam, that does a pretty good job of warming them up to him. "the thing about that frzn guy is he was a total asshole. HUGE douche canoe. and i was like 'maaaan i don't wanna be this guy, he suuuuucks', but then i noticed that he'd hardly ever interacted with anybody else there. new guy on the base. nobody knew him, or knew what he was like. so i figured i could get away with acting like myself instead of him, and nobody would notice. i've never been able to just be me around other people, only when alone. i didn't really... know how it was gonna turn out. but you guys ended up liking me! you invited me to come hang out on breaks, and play video games, and watch movies, and talk about soda and photography and it was fun and nice and good! you were nice to my dog body, too. giving me a name and everything... you're all great cools. i got attached to you guys. like, super attached. didn't wanna hurt you, ever. 's the reason i never touched the sled dogs, too- i knew tommy would be sad if something happened to the dogs, and i didn't wanna make him sad." (bubs probably acts like he's not touched by that, but he is :B and also, like i've said in a post on my main, bubs feels some sympathy towards benb after hearing about his origins as an unethical science experiment. bubs wasn't grown in a lab in this au, but he was still subjected to some painful "knowledge tubes" experiments due to his contract with b'mesa. so he still knows that feel, bro. unwilling lab rat solidarity.) benb apologizes for everything in antarctica, and bubs apologizes for torching gord, but then the team asks what the fuck? happened in the desert?? and gord explains the "one-sided tag" game they do to help benb burn up energy, and that benb was just carrying gord to let him rest from the run on the way back to the car. ("Carrying you in his stomach, though?" "nah i don't put him where food goes. it's the uhhhh *lip smack* nap organ. custom made for sleeping in. bedry time.") (they also at one point explain "also we're dating" to which gord gets accused of being a monsterfucker ha ha. and then benb's like "ew no i'm ace" and harold goes on about how beautiful interracial young love is.)

#long post #bf tum is the warmest place to hide

[clearlyshyobservation]

Kokichi is dying (V3 chatfic, no particular ship)

TW: Infers abuse, talks about ableism, neglect, panic attack pretty much, depression, self loathing. never being good enough

i am so sorry but vr au's need to be sad, love yall :)

(Background info: This is set in a vr au, they are not with their fake memory parents (Ie; kaito's kind grandparents) but rather why they really have)

(Also i have no fucking clue what ship i was going for???? pretty sure they are all on the table, and kokichi talks like an idiot in this and i love it. Gonta's writing is based off of his Japanese talking style, so no more caveman talking).

USERNAMES:

(Space monkey: Kaito, Detective pikachu: shuichi, Elton john: kaede, Antman: gonta, Mr. Gonstealyoman: korekiyo, Atua's bitch: angie, emoboi: ryoma, be-boop: kiibo, bread roll: Maki, cum dumpster: miu, mommy: kirumi, Gremlin: Kokichi)

TLDR: Chaos ensues, slight angst

Gremlin: omfg im fucking sicK im gonna fucking die i bet this was kaitos bitch ass fault for coughing on me with his tuberculosis headass gROSSSSS I HATE EVERYTHINGGG

Space Monkey: i-

Space monkey: I didn't get you sick dumbass,,,, my tb is fugckin cured bi-

Bread roll: he's dramatic and gross dont believe him

Gremlin: yall mean for what?

Gremlin: i have a life taking disease and yall laughing i- 

Gremlin: see you at my funeral bitch

Detective pikachu: What are you sick with then

Gremlin: anythong bitch, im the universe

Antman: He sounds delusional, thats not good

Detective pikachu: He's always delusional, he's Kokichi

Mr. gonstealyoman: I guess this name is better than my old one

Mr. gonstealyoman: thank you kokichi :) I am glad we have come to an understanding

Gremlin: kay sexy

Gremlin: IGNRE WHAT I JUST SENT

Gremlin: IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE ITTTTT

Antman: who was that for???

Gremlin: NO ONE,,, 

Gremlin: Okay,,, maybe sexy tall men in general lowkey

Gremlin: okay,,,, maybe anyone over 6 feet 

Detective pikachu: i feel excluded

Detective pikachu: good, i don't like you kokichi, your an ass

Gremlin: u sound jelly shumaiiiiii

be-boop: perhaps he is telling the truth, you know,

be-boop: according to my data, in chapter four Shuichi stated that you will never have friends, and no one will ever like you

Gremlin: SHUT THE FUCK UP STOP MAKING ME FEEL BADBSKVKHDVKDSKJV

Antman: do you need me to come over? I can make you tea?

mommy: Do you know how to do that, Gonta? I can teach you?

Antman: Gonta does know, thank you very much. 

Antman: Gonta is not a child, Tojo-chan, please don't regard me as one

Antman: Gonta can cook, can clean, can be gentle, and has his own mind

Space monkey: but we're just making sure man, cuz, you know,,,, chapter 4

Antman: I am capable of things just like you!!!!!

Antman: Gonta doesn't know why you guys treat me like a child :(

Gremlin: yeah, hot stuff over there is basically a prodigy homies

Antman: Gonta is dumb though, don't say that.

Antman: Gonta is no prodigy, in fact, he is below average in everything

Gremlin: Whats ur test scores bitch

Antman: Gonta got a 98 on my english test,, but i wanted a 100, which would make Gonta actually smart :( 

Antman: Gonta is not good enough to be friends with you all

Antman: I can do basic stuff like tojo said...

Antman: maybe i do need help?

Antman: im not sure anymore:((((

Gremlin: THEY ARE ABLEIST GONTA,,, THEY FEEL SUPERIOR FOR TREATING UUUUU LIKE A CHILD

Detective pikachu: You sound really delusional Kokichi, maybe you should get sleep

Gremlin: S T F U, IM SPITTING ST8 FACTS BITCH

Detective pikachu: Sure you are. Now get some rest. 

Gremlin: GRRRR WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS??

Bread roll: Cause your stupid and aggressive

Gremlin: your personality, basically?

Bread roll: shut up at least i have a boyfriend

Gremlin: Technically, you just stole my frienemy 

Gremlin: Yall do be avoiding each other doe

Space Monkey: WE ARE NOT

Gremlin: Yeah yeah

Gremlin: yesterday i saw you to enter the same cafe by accident, duck your heads, then sit across the cafe from each other, all while  avoiding eye contact

Gremlin: Soooo,,, things not going well in paradise?

Detective pikachu: you're nosy

Gremlin: says the literal detective 

Space monkey: everythings fine your just a dickkkk

Gremlin: "oooo! Im momo-chan, i say bad word and go brrrrr"

Space monkey: im going to fucking stab him 

Gremlin: You cant, ive already enslaved you with my chaotic, yet cute hijinks, havent i~

Space monkey: STOP STOP NO NOT THE SQUIGLY

Gremlin: is it the sex? WHY DONT YOU MAKE EYE CNOTACT WITH UR LADY NO MORE 

Space monkey: ITS NOT THE SEX I HATE YOU

Gremlin: im free by the way at 8 ;)

Bread roll: STOP trying to steal my boyfriend kokichi, ive told you this before

Bread roll: NO

Bread roll: BODY

Antman: Gonta interrupts to say, Gonta loves you kokichi, and we should get flowers together, than maybe we can prank some people :D 

Bread roll: Ive never wanted to stab you more, gonta

Gremlin: I'd enjoy that very much, fine fellow ;)

Gremlin: but idk,,,, can you like take care of me first, cuz IM SICK BECAUSE OF KAITO TUBERCULOSIS ASS

Space monkey: I DONT HAVE TB ANYMORE

Gremlin: SURE YOU DONT 

Space monkey: I DONT

Gremlin:  BUT GUESS WHAT

Gremlin: YOU STILL SMOKE DUMBASS AND THATS NOT GOOD FOR U OR YOUR TUBERCULOSIS

Detective pikachu: He smokes?

Atua's bitch: he does, i walked in on him in the bathroom lmao

Atua's bitch: he was scared shitless and threw it out the window, needless to say atua does nt approve

Gremlin: DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE VACCINE????

Space monkey: Uh,,, i was taught vaccines were bad, so no i don't have the vaccine

Gremlin: I HATE OLD PEOPLE

Gremlin: ABOLISH OLD PEOPLEEEE

Gremlin: THEY SPREAD MISINFORMATION AND IT PHISCALLY HURTS ME TO SEEEEEE

Space monkey: your dramatic, it cant be that bad

Gremlin: say that when you catch it again

Gremlin: i swear you coughed on me like,,,, 5 weeks ago tho

Antman: OOOO! Fun fact: Tuberculosis can lay dormant from 3 months to a few years! 

Space monkey: u guys are just trying to scare me

Bread roll: Just checked the chat after using the br and,,m YOUDONT HAVE YOU VACCINES???

Detective pikachu: Im sorry, but kaito, please,,,,, for the love of god get vaccines

Space monkey: alright alright, ill do it cuz you guys are all on my case and i don't like being the villain :(

Gremlin: Im so happy i have gonta with me rn, he is making me tea while yall rot in your distant ass relationship (THIS IS FOR YOU KAITO)

Space monkey: Im going to destroy your bloodline in about three seconds if you dont stfu right fucking now

Gremlin: Hhehe i have an inaprwopwiate joke uwu

emoboi: STOP PLEASE DEAR GOD

cum dumpster: wHAt Is iT YOU WHORE

Gremlin: i was gonna say wouldn't he need to like,,,, have sex with my family to weed out my bloodline or something??

cum dumpster: i-

cum dumpster: Why am i acting surprised, ive watched porn with more extravagant plots than this

cum dumpster: ie; are you guys FUCKING? RIGHT INFRONT OF MY SALAD??? is one i will cherish with my soul

emoboi: hehe why did she point out the salad

Space monkey: I hate u kokichi, i truly do

Gremlin: I bet if you got the chance u would kiss me space boy :P

Bread roll has left the chat

Space monkey: o god is she ddoing one of those bf loyalty tests or smthing???

Space monkey: now im nervous lmao

Gremlin: why you so nervous stupid~~~~

Gremlin: It not like ur cheating on her homie

Space monkey: It's just a placebo effect

Gremlin: My brain feels fried Momo-chan,, i don't understand big boy words right now

Space monkey: Basically, if you take a pill that doesn't do anything but you don't know that and believe it does, you will scientifically start to feel better

Gremlin: first and only time saying this, but thank you 

Space monkey: HEHEHEB YOU SAID THANK YOU YOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOU

Gremlin: Kaito,,, imma need you to do me a favor and look up on your ceiling

Space monkey: i hate you, idk what it is, but i hte you

Gremlin: good <3

Space monkey: HE REPLACED ALL MY THE STARS ON MY CELING WITH FUCKIBG DICKSSS

Space monkey: THIS IS THE LST FUCKING STRAW IM GONNA LOSE IT

Space monkey: IF MY GRANDPARENTS SEE THIS BULLSHIT THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME, SLAP ME, MAYBE BREAK MY NECK AND DESTROY MEE

Space monkey: Im GENUINLEY panicing HOW TF am i gona get this off my wal???? They are going to bbat me senselpess help me shUichi

Detective pikachu: o god, i can sense the sheer pain and scaredness in  that tet, 

Detective pikachu: are you for real gong to get hurt or are you pulling a kokichi?

Space monkey: FUCKING HELP ME IM NOT FUCKING JOKINGKABKCB HELP THEY ARE NOT HOME RN THEY ARE LIKEE,,,, 40 MINUTES AWAY PLEASEE 

Gremlin: okay,,, maybe this wasn't the best prank.,,, i guess i'll help clean up cuz im not that much of a sociopath

Gremlin: tbh my parents can go shove it too lowkey terrible 0/10 

Space monkey: AHHHH IM SO SCARED PLS PSL GET HERE FAST

be-boop: Of course, i will come, i will survey the outside of the house

Antman: Gonta is coming too! We will get this done in under 40 minutes!

Space monkey: OKAY

Gremlin: Lowkey, if i cough on you ignore it bitch your the one who made me like this

Space monkey: W HA TDONT COUGH ON ME IM NOT SICK ANYMORE

Gremlin: I will give you TB again just cuz your making me suffer

Space monkey: Suffer what??? putting dicks on my FUCKING WALL???

Gremlin: Guilt, idiot, im feeling guilty. 

cum dumpster: oof thats new

emoboi: yeah i wasn't expecting it

Mr.gonstealyoman: Me neither. It is rather peculiar seeing it being texted by him because he is always feels not guilty of his bad actions.

be-boop: I do believe he means it, though...

emoboi: impossible.

cum dumpster: i agree, literally impossible.

Gremlin: I HAVE A FUCKIBG SOUL YOU CRazY CONSPIRACISTS

Antman: Quick question, shuichi can i stay with you again? It'll be dark when i get home and gonta can't do that so,,, please help

Detective pikachu: my parents are like blank slates, who eat slowly, watch tv slowly, and never look at me. Im sure they wouldn't mind :P

Antman: ALRIGHT! :D LETS GET MISSION: MR. MOMOTA ROOM REPAIR DONE!

Gremlin: ooo! I like the name! IM INNNN! 

Detective pikachu: On it!

be-boop: Ready for look out!

Space monkey: I love you guys :)

AN: Im lowkey sorry i ended this chaotic mess with angst,,,, but like fr i love it i love angst,, i hate reading it but love writing it

#kokichiouma #oumota #Ougoku #chat fic #kaito momota #kiibo #miu iruma #gonta gokuhara #ryoma #angie #shuichi saihara #vr au #kirumi #maki harukawa #korekiyo #danganronpav3 #danganronpa #grossness