#better because the only reason i'm not depressed rn is just because i don't have one more bad thing going on like i'm just lucky😭 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tarotwithavi · 2 years

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what effect do have on others?

My Masterlist ⋇⋆✦⋆⋇ paid services

Disclaimer : for entertainment purpose only .

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pile 1 pile 2 pile 3

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PILE 1

I am hearing the word LOVE~ it's either that you make people feel loved and make them love themselves. You inspire people. Like really there's something about you that makes people feel extremely positive. Wow, I really admire you guys. I'm getting that you might be the therapist friend? You inspire people to do what they love and follow their passion. You follow the motto that nothing is impossible . Idk why but I'm getting that when you do something others go like " If pile 1 can do this, I can too" . Your energy makes people want to change like they want to change for the better . You may have an earth moon.

And I'm also getting that you make people fall in love with you. People fall in love with your personality and how you carry yourself . People may get attracted to you just because of your beauty but they fall in love with your personality. You are the perfect combination of beauty and brains. You're very self disciplined and you pamper yourself. I'm getting that you make people come out of their shell. you might have go through a lot or endings and may get tired around a lot of people . You are a social butterfly on the outside but an sleeping bag at home lol.

If you wonder why you attract only messed up people and the people who are mostly depressed trust me man I don't know too 💀 #webothmessedup . Jk it's because you are healed and you trigger those who are not healed yet . You might attract a lot of energy vampires or toxic people. So please protect yourself and your energy.

And one last thing,

YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY AF. like I was trying to not type it but I couldn't control myself.

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PILE 2

I'm hearing the word Luck for this pile. You bring a lot of luck in other people's life. Like there could be black clouds and thunderstorms everywhere but then you enter the room and BOOM sunshine and rainbows everywhere. Its funny how I'm trying to explain this. But one thing you make people speechless. You might even look different from the people in your area or just that you have a very unique aesthetic that no one in your are has. You might even speak two or more languages and people find that amazing.

T, O, M, R, A I'm getting these initials for some reason. Wait, they make AMOR which mean love in French . Maybe some of you are learning French or just have some sort of connection with France. I'm getting that you might give French artist vibes to people. It also makes RAM which is the name of one hindu God. Let me know if you see more words . You might have a lot of knowledge about different cultures . Also it's random but you look good in blue or shades of blue. Are you a middle child? Just asking.

Okay a lot of tarot readers in this pile , so hello to the tarot readers of this community! Honestly this pile has some abilities with tarot or could become famous in tarot community. Also you're very mysterious to others , they want to know you more and what's going inside your head.All I'm getting is Knowledge, intelligence, brilliance, a lot of intellect. You guys have a lot of unique and weird ideas . Sometimes you brain makes people go like "are you serious rn? " . You are always thinking about new things and you might over think a lot. Pile 1 and 2 are giving siblings vibes.

One last thing

YOU LITTLE WORKAHOLICS AND PERFECTIONISTS PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF SOME REST!!! It's okay to be lazy sometimes.

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PILE 3

Sjjsjsjs this group is femme fatal , if you don't know what that is, google it up. But yeah people tend to put you on a pedestal. People are ready to worship you like literally, they are ready to bow down to you. Because ya know you focus on yourself and never give other much of your time and keep people wanting for more. And that makes them obsessed with you. But this burdens you because you don't want this. You just want to work, earn, enjoy. Just to let ya know , two boys are extremely obsessed with you.

You make people fall for you at the first glance. I'm hearing " You're one you're two✌" . You are their first and you're their second. There's no one who has the same amount of charm as you. Even the people who look emotionless and reserved will fall for you. You fill their heart with love till it overflows. And they can't control their feelings for you. They feel instant connection with you.

K, L, W, V are the initials I got for you. You embody the Girlboss energy. Like the rich CEO who is also pretty AF. You guys are filled with confidence and know your worth and that's very ahem hot to others. You're also very grounded and don't like to show off. A lot of you could be leo. I just heard Dove, you might like dove or just give their vibes.

One last thing

Stop being so hot all the time Momma 😫💀 . Alright that was weird but I hope you get the point ;)

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webslingingslasher · 2 months

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tw: depression

hey! i was wondering, how would peter react or take care of reader with depression? can be either nerdy or frat peter or any peter rly :)

sorry i am very much kinda really going thru it rn 😞

felt that. depression is fucking brutal, anon. i'm here for you and i hope you're taking care of yourself for now.

you don't move when your window opens. you haven't moved for hours, you couldn't draw up enough energy to turn or eat, or breathe. the wall in front of you hasn't changed, it's been a blank slate of emptiness. just like the pit inside you.

'i know you're not sleeping.' it's teasing, your heart doesn't have it in you to perk up. you don't feel excited peter showed up, nothing could top the numbness that's burrowed its way into your chest and mind.

'you haven't texted me back all day, i was about to send a smoke signal.' your bones feel sharp, the idea of rolling over to face him stings, you think you'll shatter into a million pieces. you have nothing left to give, even talking seems exhausting.

'baby?' peter knows somethings wrong, he thinks he knows what's wrong. you had a good stretch, it had been months before the depression caught up and sent you bedrotting.

peter can't imagine how it feels for you, but for him, watching you go through this, kills him inside.

your mattress sinks, you close your eyes when peter reaches out for you, his hand on your skin is the most warmth you felt all day. it's peter; your rock, your safety net, your protector.

you think it's the first time you've talked all day. you had a permanent lump in your throat and you knew just by opening your mouth the tears would start.

but it's okay, because peter is here.

'i'm really sad today.' it's all it takes, your shoulders shake with your sobs, how could you feel everything and nothing all at once? peter's soft whispers have you curling into yourself. you don't deserve him, he doesn't deserve this.

'oh, honey.' it's full of love, his nose brushes your shoulder like a puppy asking to be pet. 'wanna give me a hug?' your voice wavers on your answer, it's raw and scratchy, begging to be hydrated, you don't think you've even had water today.

'yes, please.' your cheeks feel sticky but peter's holding you tightly, yet softly, it's like he's trying to hold you together. it's working. 'i'm sorry.' you feel bad. you should be more for him.

'don't be. i want to be here for you, and when you can only give twenty percent, i've got the other eighty. i love you. always and forever. no matter what.'

he needs to add the end, he needs to because he knows how it weighs down in your mind. how you've told him over and over it's unfair he has to put up with this and how he doesn't deserve what you bring to the table.

peter told you he's got a big fucking table and it's got more than enough room for your "mess." you don't say the silent part out loud anymore but he knows you still think it. peter would never admit it to you, but sometimes he really hates your brain and the way it thinks about yourself when your depression sets in.

it's selfish, you hate it about yourself but you need a reason to keep going.

'can you tell me how sad you would be if i died?' to anyone else it would sound morbid, to peter it means you're feeling better. peter slightly rocks you in his lap, he hums like he needs to think.

'you think you're depressed? just you wait, i'll make this look estatic.' a smile teases, he's determined to get you laughing. 'i mean it. i'd be on my knees, tears and snot all over my face, holding your hand at your funeral. i'd probably throw myself down the hole with you.'

it works, it's minuscule but you gave him a real smile and a tiny laugh. it's because you're picturing the teary-snotted face he'd be sporting and he's totally okay with that.

peter presses kisses over your hairline, he's speaking from the heart and you can feel it.

'because if you're not living, i wouldn't have a reason to either.'

#nerdy!peter drabbles

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zvezdacito · 5 months

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Just saw a post where in response to being asked to mention the destruction and atrocities Israel is doing to Gaza Palestine rn, OP responded with "I've been avoiding it because scrolling and seeing dead kids and sadness is bad for my mental health as a depressed person and there's nothing I can do about it either way"

You dont even need to share live footage of graphic injury if it's understandably triggering but that is not something you even need to share in order to spread awareness to your large following about Palestine, nor what was being asked from you to begin with you just brought it up on ur own😭 Beyond the live footage there are text only information posts you can share. Israel's occupation of Palestine goes beyond the October 7th siege so the info you could share doesn't need to be about dead kids it could just be Palestinian literature or history for context. Even Jewish history actually. Even just a show of solidarity literally even the greatest thing u could do online would not be that hard or complicated😭

Especially when all the mainstream news outlets are spreading biased narratives and people getting derailed from the point because of the Hamas coverage and stuff, other figures that people listen to and believe in taking a firm stance with Palestine is helpful. I think justifying not even wanting to try in your own little way to begin with through this "there's nothing I can do" or "other ppl are better for this than me" is extremely disingenuous. (Besides the fact that Palestinians in Gaza that the best thing anyone can do is share about them on social media exactly for these reasons so this literally is what you can do even as just one person)

I'm not gonna make conclusions on what the moral character of OP is over one statement that may have just been poor wording. And forcing someone to share when they really don't want to is counterproductive. But idk how you can bring up the fact that there is live footage of bloody children having to bury their parents and siblings as the sole survivors of their families, and not realize how priveleged you are for your greatest exposure to that only being behind a screen, and your greatest concern from it only being your mental health💀 Especially if you're a white american

#dont rb just wanted to get it off my chest lol💀#literally its natural to find genocide distressing because it is but at the same time you can easily search up a post on Palestinian-#-literature and whatnot and not be exposed to graphic footage.#The most prominent posts ive seen do not involve graphic imagery or footage so i literally do not get what the logic of avoiding talking ab #Palestine at all is here lmao #oomf who rbed that onto my timeline if you see this you know who you are. not mad or condemning you its probably not even my place but the-#-point being made was very stupid ans pretentious sorry

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drbased · 1 month

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I am sickened by your symbolic state posts because at the moment I’m still living at home, a place that is generally unpleasant for me. I’ve been living in a near permanent state of maladaptive daydreaming since I was a young teenager and its only this year, with moving out on the horizon, that I’m trying to move from my head into reality again. It’s difficult and I don’t exactly know how to live 😂 like with your video game post especially. I don’t know how to live in the moment by following urges. I think: I want to write later, but I don’t plan what I’m to write. Instead of following the urge to do one certain thing I seek out a mindset for the future and then never get around to it. I’ve bought countless items, like necklaces with symbols or woven bracelets, allways promisimg myself that they will be special and lifechanging only for them to be empty. How do I get out of this? How do I stop myself from turning my life into feeings instead of actions?

(if you’ve given a similar answer I apologise. I’m scrolling through your symbolic state tag rn)

So, I've been having a hard time responding to this one. I still haven't been able to finish this post in a way I'm happy with but I really do want to respond so I'm going to have to keep my answer short and hope that I can produce something more valuable at a later date. But anon, your message has really stuck with me. Here's the answer I started writing some time ago:

How do I stop myself from turning my life into feelings instead of actions?

People keep summing this stuff up better than I can and it's driving me slightly insane; all younger me wanted was to be Known and now I have random anonymous strangers I've never met reaching into my fucking Soul like how is this possible. first the yearning anon and now this.

So the Bad, Irresponsible answer is to do what I did, which is sit in a room and hotbox it and ask myself questions and wait till my brain answers them. Weed is what allowed me to blow this whole thing wide open for me. But now I don't do weed anymore I can say that you achieve Inner Peace(TM) the 'hard' way just as well - but dear god with or without drugs this IS A PROCESS. And it HAS to be a process, because there is only process, no destination. After all, there is no 'you' in the future - there is only the reality of now, and the reality of 'you' in the now, and that is what is awe-inspiring and beautiful.

The entire process of re-engaging with reality has so many interconnected parts and requires so much analogy and explanation that I have been seriously considering writing a book about it. I struggle with PDA (pathological demand avoidance), and I believe it and depression are all wrapped up in my symbolic mindset. But since I don't have any background in clinical psychology I would feel like a hack writing a self-help book. So I'm probably going to end up talking about it here, instead. And maybe one day collate it all into some sort of book or series of essays.

The core of all of this is acceptance. Defining acceptance is hard; I best describe it as wanting to, say, move your arm - the moment you've wanted it sufficiently, the moment it has happened. There is minimal causal relationship between wanting it and it happening - sufficient want becomes action, necessarily. That sufficient want becomes action is something I learned to recognise during this process - the symbolic mindset is disengaging with the mundane reality of cause-and-effect such that said cause-and-effect is re-evaluated with a narrative structure instead, utilising symbols to generate meaning with an agenda in mind. So returning to reality has to involve strengthening the relationship between cause-and-effect, and the most sustainable way to achieve this is to recognise what you want moment-to-moment, and then immediately do the thing.

So, I refer to this really irritating (complimentary) comic:

When you struggle to do things for mind-based reasons, the claim 'it't not that simple' comes from a place of being unable to recognise that part of you doesn't want to do it. And this is where the acceptance comes in: being able to recognise yourself as messy, imperfect, finite, human, and a product of your environment - instead of a glorious, infinite source of potential - will result in you feeling less fragile, more complete, and less reliant on symbols to drive a narrative about yourself so you can feel comfortable with existence. Acceptance of yourself and your wants will result in more authentic actions, which will result in less of a need for everything to 'go right'.

The process of acceptance is something that happens within you, and you will feel it when it happens: acceptance is when something goes from simply being theoretically true (I can state that I am wearing blue trousers) to being something I believe (I know that I am wearing blue trousers). Said acceptance is much less fragile, because my belief of the colour of my trousers is something I no longer need to be true - if someone says my trousers are red, I can say 'oh, they probably are' and I can look down at them and make another judgment. If they're red, I don't panic, because when I believed they were blue, that was an innocent belief that came out of my flawed human mind. I am, in short allowed to make decisions, I am allowed to believe things, to think things, without them needing to be correct, without them needing to be more correct than the reality in which I exist - the reality that came before me, and will exist regardless of my ability to percieve it, Descartes be damned.

If you want to write, but find yourself unable to write, you might have to confront something embarrassing about yourself: that you don't, actually, want to do the process of writing; instead, you want to have written something. But believing of yourself as a conduit to, and obstacle in the way of, achievement, posits said achievement as a metaphysical construct of greater importance than the literal reality of how many hours you sacrificed for said achievement. There's both a humility and a sense of responsibility in all of this: you're the one who generates meaning and feels the feelings, so you must prioritise yourself over some percieved obligation to 'the universe' - your achievements are your own and do not exist in the ether first. But reality itself exists first, and you must engage with the physical world in order to strengthen that causal relationship. There was a post I read a while back about how if you're struggling with gender dysphoria, then exercise can really help - this works because it operates under the same principle that without a natural interaction with cause-and-effect, the brain constructs a narrative to fill in the gaps, kind of like phantom-limb syndrome.

The realisation 'it is that simple' comes from the moment of acceptance. The moment 'it is that simple' is the moment you understand that writing a book is the same as moving your arm - if you want it enough, you will do it. There are many things that you may want *in theory* - but those are infinite, metaphysical, symbolic. There is only the reality of who you are and what you experience, moment-to-moment. Until you go and make that sandwich, your hunger isn't even proof that you need to eat anything. You show your depth of self through directly interacting with the real world, whatever form that takes. Symbolic thinking is what happens when you stop interacting with the real world, including the reality of your own selfhood, and the result dissatisfaction will have you sunk-cost-style retreating further and further back. Breaking out of it is hard but it's all a testament to just how much what we want is who we are.

I've barely scraped the surface here of what it takes to do all this - but this is the fundamental basis of the principle that I developed and still use to this day. It's the principle I used that got me starting to write on tumblr - instead of pathologising my desire to analyse, I decided to start getting my thoughts out into the world. Instead of waiting till I can achieve a known symbol of completion - instead of writing a book - I decided to engage in a much more immediate form of writing by directly writing out, with zero plan, what I think and publishing it instantly to the world. Because of this, my thoughts have ceased to exist as some testament to my big-brained genius - and will vanish along with me when I die - and representative of my fragile ego, but rather something I use to directly engage with other in the material space. My ideas now generate meaning because of their relationship with reality, not in spite of it. And it's infinitely more satisfying.

#my writing #wisdom posting #symbolic states #anon

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venusmages · 7 months

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I always love hearing about other people's D&D games and I was wondering if you had like a method for how you plan out your sessions? In a slump rn myself so looking for some inspo lol

ok so i need to get better at this again (depression made me a way more 'seat of my pants' DM) BUT i basically lay out a "timeline" of main story points the party will eventually hit, and place "questlines" there. Essentially like a tree of quests and their progression in a videogame. This is NOT always detailed by any means but it helps me get a linear view of what's going on. If you run pre-made modules, this is the book stuff. My current game started out this way before I went "I like doing this myself" and went completely off the rails.

Then I go into the main details of the questline. Stuff like where it is, if there's going to be new lore introduced, the actual contents of the quest itself and it's requirements, etc. My players and myself are big on RP, so I also try to always make sure the quest will have interest for Story or Character reasons. If it doesn't directly push the plot in a major way, will it still give the party interesting interactions with each other and npcs? Are there going to be any new threads for some of the game's mysteries?

Then I also ask what in the questline is going to play to the party's habits and strengths. I admit this is WAY looser, and again kind of wraps around into "what would be cool RP for them" - but for example; knowing an encounter with nobles will give our noble-born artificer some additional lore, since he understands the city's politics.

After that, I do sometimes "script" certain lines of NPC dialogue or location and item descriptions. Stuff I'll be narrating that I want to make sure has a certain weight to it, or to flow well. You might not need to do this if you speak succinctly, but I find my brain stutters when trying to describe scenery on the spot, so it usually helps to write it. After that I make the session from there!

For me that usually includes picking out "splash screens" for the conversation backgrounds in our game, drawing new npc portraits if I have the time (it started because some of my players have aphantasia/some former players were new, so I drew PC and NPC portraits to make RP easier to visualize - then it just became the Only Way I Want To Do It Now LOL), and making maps. I use Epic Isometric for my maps, highly recommend. I get most of my splash screens from Art Station, but I have to say obviously that's unwise if you're streaming a game. Same goes for using pre-existing art as character/NPC art -- I know myself and other artists don't care if someone uses our stuff for their home game that no one's ever gonna see. I plan to release some of my portraits in packs one day free of use though.

Here's the RP Backdrop kind of splashscreen I use in R20 (but you can make one in FVTT too, I've done it) and an Epic Iso map I threw together (the party tokens were drawn over Epic Iso assets. If you join their discord people make community edits constantly. I'm currently working on a project to color all the released decor assets)

#epic isometric #roll20 #artstation #dnd advice #dnd resources

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fairymint · 1 month

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🔥

Send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion.

Creativity is a muscle, and recharging it is also important. So is investment! Listen. What I'm about to say is rather tongue-in-cheek, because I know all about ableism, anxiety, depression, etc.

But you can't just sit there and stare at a screen. One way or another. I was taught that 'only boring people are bored', which might be harsh for me to agree with 1:1, but it's a point.

There's no possible way you've published all the headcanons that you can. If you got nothing, you're forgetting something. Legit go look up the profession, hobbies, interests of your muse. Their country, their voice/accent. age group. Or, just anything. That's just surface level, as there's a whole world surrounding them as well. You can learn something new every day, just by observing. Take TV breaks, whether that's youtube, media, etc. Your RPing should take cues from real life without having to match up with it. (pokemon rpers, do you know the body language of your critters' base species? monsters, do you know how their bodies work? talk about that shit for example. Animal body language, or even a human nationality's body language is a good start for most people.)

Shit sucks? Do something about it. I'm not gonna fault the bored/depression posting at its core; but there's a lot of indirect handwringing about it. The community sucks, my brain sucks, etc. But you have to help start the solution. I'm a fan of productive posts, such as asking for reassurance when down, starter calls and opens, those're good. But don't be afraid to be productively critical; use "I" language instead of blaming or "you/we" if you have to. "I feel like my headcanon/meme posts are being ignored rn" sounds much more reasonable than "you guys suck at this" or "can we do this/that/etc.???" which a lot of psas can use. Try to be direct with your own wants, as those psas are simply the first step. You should probably still assume ignorance/apologetic/disability over things such as failure and malice, simply because of how we're wired.

Connect the dots. Lotta people don't know where to start, but you have to somewhere. tiny, "boring" opens don't have to stay that way after you answer them, and first impressions may be wrong, but they at least happen. Follow the animal rule; for every no that you have, give a yes. The more yes's and starting points, the better off you'll be. If you don't have any dots to connect, you probably need to do some reading. Bios, blog posts, just pick a person and start. You should know which muses yours would call like, an old-ass or something. Which they'd go to for a favor. Which they like. How they'd treat a stranger, etc. People do lore-correct when they diverge, but there's other paths to open. Find em.

Also like, you have a body. Take breaks to drink, eat, etc. RPing is a great customizable hobby as far as difficulty and speed goes, but you can't run well on empty.

to put it very simply, practice. If you can't, it's a sign something is amiss. Heed them.

#ask.#deltaforge #long post #ooc.

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dykejaskier · 1 month

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Ik you said this ages ago and in the tags of a post, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on Rüdeger and his mental health

anon i'm down on one knee proposing rn thank you for sending this in

stray thoughts and ramblings (sorry if this is messy, it's getting to 6 am and i have Not slept):

i'm really curious as to how his identity interacts with his faith. from my understanding, monasteries were intended to be safe havens away from the secular world (my notes from a course on early mediaeval monasticism call them "a place where a life similar to that of the angels takes place, a harbour of calm that resists the storms of the world of outside") - and so he's in this space that's meant to be separated from "sin" but at the same time, he's living in it through his identity* and relationship (at least according to the institution he's a part of). i'd love to know how he views himself, the church, the concept of sin in the first place - like obviously he's terrified of anyone finding out about them, but from memory it's expressed more so as worry over mathieu? which in turn makes me wonder if that's because he's at peace with his own fate due to self-deprecating reasons and so doesn't bother worrying about himself (i'm sinful and will go to hell regardless but mathieu deserves better) or if he thinks there's nothing sinful about their relationship in the first place (and so persecuting mathieu, the man he loves, over it, is unfathomable and unfair) [*i'm aware that the concept of queerness as an identity is more contemporary, but i couldn't think of a better word]

also curious as to how he ended up at kiersau. we don't know his backstory - how'd he end up becoming a monk? did something happen to drive him towards it? is there a precedent for him running away from things (if andreas blackmails him and mathieu, he leaves, i think to protect mathieu)? inquiring minds would like to know

hc time: i think that the town turning on them in act II feels that much more terrifying because while they're not persecuting him because of his queerness, it's entirely likely that they/others would, if their relationship was revealed. so the whole thing is like a manifestation of his worst fears. no wonder he's upstairs having a panic attack

SPEAKING OF. anxiety girlie who gets panic attacks and self-soothes by singing. and i'm sure mathieu's presence calms him (doubly so because mathieu's probably the only person in his life who gets it. who understands him. who sees him without that act of perceiving being judgemental)

another question: what does rüdeger himself think of his mental health issues? we have the language to describe it now, with modern terms, but - and not to paint with a broad stroke - a 16th century monk probably wouldn't necessarily internalise something like a panic attack as being a health issue, but rather a spiritual affliction. which brings me back to wondering how he thinks of himself, and of god, and if it's possible he views his issues as a divine punishment (like how some fundies describe depression as like. being something given to them by the devil? that they can pray away?)

in my self-indulgent hc, he feels better after leaving kiersau. mathieu getting a big promotion probably brings new anxieties but at the same time, makes them just a bit more untouchable. also, if andreas was not an asshole about discovering them in the library, i feel that'd give him an opportunity to see that people can be good and understanding about him/them (though i also have a feeling that rüdeger is the type of person to believe the best about people, at least when's he's not actively spiralling. mathieu does describe him as "a gentle soul" and "a kind and thoughtful man")

that's all i have for now. i love him and mathieu so much, they deserve everything <3

#pentiment #asks #aurora.txt

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fvck-whattheythink · 8 months

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kinda struggling rn

7 days clean ... yay

but they don't see the struggle behind just staying clean. Because they forget the initial reason we pick up something to sh with.

The pain, the heavy, aching chest, the feeling of numbness and the disconnection. The derealisation and dissociative episodes. The depressive and euphoric episodes. The lonely nights, filled with racing, harsh and intrusive thoughts.

They think after one attempt it's not constantly playing on my mind to attempt again. They check in on you for a few weeks, or even months if you are lucky after an attempt to make sure you're safe and doing better. But after that grace period, everything goes back to how it was, everyone forgets, and just assumes that you have moved on. But you are still there, feeling the same things that made you want to attempt in the first place. And then they question why you attempted again, label you as selfish, attention seeking, or ask "how could you do this to us?", feigning care and hurt.

They only care when they realise that they could have actually lost you.

But once you're safe, far enough in the safety net of not 'getting lost', they put that event out of mind because it makes them uncomfortable.

People only check in to clear their concious. Some people do care. But some really don't. It's more for them than it is for you.

So yeah. I'm 7 days clean, I hope you feel good about yourself. Because I fucking don't.

I'm fucking drowning and you don't even care, as long as the days I remain clean goes up.

You don't really care about what goes on in my head.

What caused me to pick up that fucking blade every single time, especially the first.

I hope you're happy while I fade away.

#mental health #mentally fucked #mental illness #actually mentally ill #coping #struggle #therapy #self h@rm #i wanna relapse so bad #mental health relapse #depression relapse #vent post #tw vent #vent #venting #cvtaddict #tw self destruction

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musashi · 5 months

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can I just say I genuinely appreciate you talking about dieting positively. ik your recent post is more about clothing fit but it completely changed my life, energy went from nothing to something, and I'm no longer depressed. ik it's a reaction to a very fatphobic world but I'm still fat and don't mind it, just SO much happier and I appreciate you mentioning your own experiences it's soothing

Diets exist for so many other reasons than bad body image! Fixing your diet is one of the first things mental health professionals will suggest if you're in a rut. There are a million great reasons to do it and it always really gets me down how much people act like the only reason anyone would ever change their intake is because they're scared of gaining weight.

Like I was happy fat!!!! I only lost the weight because I needed a tangible change, it didn't matter what that change was. Some people cut their hair. I couldn't do that as a bulldyke with a buzz cut, so I just lost a notable amount of weight. I liked myself the same, but I felt better because I achieved what I wanted.

I stopped losing weight in 2018 but stayed on the diet because of the mental health benefits! Keto was a medical diet that was found to help epileptics, schizophrenics, and a bunch of other brain conditions! For me it just fixed my ADHD and brain fog and depression and I got a job and moved out and felt functional for the first time in my life.

It's so stupid when people are so reactionary to fatphobia that they can't help but project that onto me just vibing in the corner... Like bestie I was a fox when I was fat and I'd do it again if I could afford to replace my wardrobe a second time vjskfjajfj. I don't own a scale. I don't know my weight. I don't know my waistline like I cannot be bothered

It's irritating. It's not that deep. I have a skinny girl wardrobe rn. Can't buy a fat girl wardrobe. Shouldn't have gotten rid of my fat girl wardrobe but sadly I didn't think that thru. Life is beautiful anyways

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ae-neon · 1 year

Text

Reading Throne of Glass (4-9)

Again. I'm nitpicking, it's just how I enjoy a lot of my media. Overall I'm still giving the story a fair chance. (Except the Nehemia plotline)

Chapter 4

Really great opening paragraph, like honestly so good.

Proof sjm once understood that starvation would decrease breast size. Also proof that misogyny rots the brain cause god forbid Nesta didn't look hot enough for Cassian to fuck during her depressive breakdown.

Sorry, back to tog.

This chapter is great, amazing even.

Everything from Celaena falling asleep on the floor cause the bed feels too different after her horrible year in the mines

-> her reaction to sunlight and the small bits of hope she has

-> her figuring out a way to kill Chaol every 15 minutes.

-> her solemn reaction to the fact that no one else would be leaving the mines in anyway except death.

The scene with the dogs was nice. I like the interaction and characterization going on between these 3 main characters.

The scenery and worldbuilding is good too. We have Ellwye, the West, Wendlyn, The Witch Kingdom, the East, Endovier, Ardalan and Rifthold all mentioned and somewhat defined within narrative context. No info dumping, just small relevant tidbits.

Okay so Celaena is 18, Dorian is 20, Chaol is 22.

It's almost shocking how reasonable sjm used to be.

Celaena's a little crazy but it's fun sometimes. She says she's trying to get under Chaol's skin but she's the one saying he's not very nice and being bothered when he doesn't engage with her.

22 is much better than I thought. But he honestly has to be not only the best swordsman in the country but also a very high up, well connected young lord to be Captain of the Royal Guard.

Me and Celaena locked in, fr. She clocked him as a Lord.

Also characters with a strong sense of justice >>>>> another 5 points for Chaol.

Top tier chapter overall.

Chapter 5

The forest scene is cool. King Brannon. 2000 years ago. Fae. Hope this plays a big role.

If the Fae are just gonna be dudes who run around the same as humans (with pointy ears and magic) why make them immortal? I don't think sjm really comprehends the concept or how otherworldly it really is.

She knew plenty about this forest, knew that the denizens of this place had once been faeries: gnomes, sprites, nymphs, goblins, more names than anyone could count or remember. All ruled by their larger, human-like cousins, the immortal Fae—the original inhabitants and settlers of the continent, and the oldest beings in Erilea.

Just say Elves, I beg of you

Okay but surely the King of Ardalan, aka Dorian Senior, banning magic and making it disappear is an act of magic itself? Like unless bro is god, the simple act of banning magic would not erase its existence.

The King of Adarlan had outlawed it all—magic, Fae, faeries—and removed any trace so thoroughly that even those who had magic in their blood almost believed it had never really existed, Celaena herself being one of them.

This all just happened within the last maximum 30 years. She herself just told us Fae are immortal. How the fuck would they forget they ever had magic? There are humans old enough to still remember.

"It had been a while since she’d contemplated the gifts she’d lost, though the memory of her abilities haunted her dreams." okay so it's happened only in the last 10 years??? That means everyone still remembers. Why not just write that Celaena could barely remember instead of implying it was a common thing.

Still really like her descriptions of the forest and of the faeries.

I'm guessing gnomes left her flowers. We'll probably never see them again.

Chapter 6

Icy rain kept them company for four days, during which time Celaena was so miserably cold that she contemplated throwing herself into a ravine, hopefully dragging Chaol with her.

Her dedication to murdering him is quite endearing, I fear

The weather hits for me rn because it's autumn here too.

...the Crown Prince pulled out of line and came trotting toward them, his dark hair bouncing. His red cape rose and fell in a crimson wave. Above his unadorned white shirt was a fine cobalt-blue jerkin trimmed with gold. She would have snorted, but he did look rather good in his knee-high brown boots. And his leather belt did go nicely—even though the hunting knife seemed a bit too bejeweled.

Dorian the fashionista

Okay wait. The castle is half stone half glass... Can you just see into the castle? How did they even build that. If this was wheel of time or something I'd assume it was a modern skyscraper being seen through the eyes of people who didn't understand that. But there haven't been any other clues to suggest post apocalyptic fantasy stuff... Idk how I feel about this

The writing continues to be good. Celaena's dreams are pretty disturbing and her moment of quiet contemplation while staring at the greenish glow of the glass castle was really solemn and grounding. I think her thoughts about putting kingdoms behind her would have really hit if sjm revealed her identity and still had her refuse to rule.

"She wasn’t fated for anything. Not anymore"

During this scene the weight of her life experiences so far - running from her burning home at 8, losing her magic, being taken in by a man she couldn't trust, being made to murder for a living, being betrayed (most likely by that same man) and ending up in a slave mine - feels real, feels like it's made her truly lonely.

Still, the image haunted his dreams throughout the night: a lovely girl gazing at the stars, and the stars who gazed back.

Okay so why didn't sjm give Feyre a moment like this if we're supposed to believe Rhysand is her destined true love.

Chapter 7

There's a sense of life in this story thats really missing from acotar. Rifthold has flags and sigils and trumpets announcing the Prince's return. The horses smell, the city smells, the spices from the market smell, the river smells. Like there's a world here and it's tangible.

Acomaf really is the grave. And stans act like it's her magnum opus. No wonder sjm doesn't talk to them.

From bearded peddlers to servant girls carrying armfuls of hatboxes, everyone paused as the flag-bearers trotted proudly ahead, and Dorian Havilliard waved. They followed the Crown Prince, who, like Chaol, was swathed in a red cape, pinned over the left breast with a brooch fashioned after the royal seal. The prince wore a golden crown upon his neat hair, and she had to concede that he looked rather regal. Young women flocked to them, waving. Dorian winked and grinned.

Nobody in Velaris or the Hewn City or Illyria gives a fuck about Rhysand like this lmaooo

Now that she noticed, there were countless chained slaves working the docks, lifting and sweating, holding parasols and pouring water, eyes on the ground or the sky—never on what was before them. She wanted to leap from her horse and run to them, or to simply scream that she wasn’t a part of this prince’s court, that she had no hand in bringing them here, chained and starved and beaten, that she had worked and bled with them, with their families and friends—she was not like these monsters that destroyed everything. That she had done something, nearly two years ago, when she had freed almost two hundred slaves from the Pirate Lord.

I get what sjm was trying to do but the White Woman Energy™ is off the charts. It's not about you and you being seen as bad. Decentre yourself from the slavery narrative, please and thank you.

Kinda disappointed Celaena didn't spot any other spies or assassins lurking about. She was strangely unobservant for once.

Spears erect, they held rectangular shields, and their eyes were dark beneath bronze helmets. Each wore a red cape. Their armor, while tarnished, was well crafted from copper and leather.

Actual description of uniform and weapons rather than just "Illyrian leathers" "Illyrian knives/swords" BUT why does the description sound like Roman soldiers when we're clearly in a renaissance-esque fantasy time period

No, okay, I don't like the literal glass castle on top of a stone castle. Celaena agrees.

Dorian: you won't compete as yourself, we'll keep it a secret.

Dorian at the entrance to the castle while nobles and guards are welcoming him back: WELCOME CELAENA SARDOTHIEN

They were each armed with a sword, knife, and crossbow, and though they’d been alert while their captain passed by, she knew a crossbow wasn’t exactly a light weight to bear for hours on end. Celaena crept to her bedroom window, pressing herself against the marble wall, and glanced down. Sure enough, the guards had already strapped the crossbows across their backs. It would waste precious seconds to grab the weapon and load it—seconds when she could take their swords, cut their throats, and vanish into the gardens.

Smart, and even adding to her character weight and credibility. She surveys the room, makes a weapon and categorises what she could use to kill. Legit feels like a competent assassin.

Even the clothes are so much better than in acotar. What happened to sjm??

“He has a big heart, His Highness.” hahaha Dorian is apparently out here hoeing, I respect it.

Not the literal throne of glass.

And then there was the matter of Dorian’s sapphire eyes—not even his mother had his eyes. No one knew where they came from.

I hope this matters

The conversation between Dorian Snr and Dorian Jr is loaded with politics:

King Dorian I is a conqueror

Dorian II doesn't want to inherit the empire.

The younger brother isn't really a threat, neither of them take Hollin seriously.

Ardalan is in active war against Wendlyn

Why call Celaena a witch if the race of Witch exists. Why not just call her a snake or temptress or something

Dorian wants to kill his dad. He just like me fr.

Chapter 8

Okay. Chaol has an eagle shaped pommel on his sword. Dorian's sigil is a wyvern. The guy Celaena ends up with can turn into a bird I think. Rhysand, Cassian and Azriel have bat wings. The love interest in Ccity is an angel. SJM has a thing for wings, yes?

Tamlin not having wings is more proof of Feylin not being endgame than anything else you can point to in the text.

Chaol is giving the assassin a tour of the castle... Is he stupid??

The competition begins tomorrow??????

“I don’t understand why you refuse to enter the glass addition,” he went on. “There’s no difference between the interiors—you wouldn’t even know that you were inside it unless someone told you or you looked out the window.”

I lack the visual imagination to understand what the fuck is going on with this building. It really just sounds like a skyscraper

A clocktower made of black stone. Something like you'd see at the Gates of Wyrd. Hmmm. King built a spooky magic tower thing around the birth of his son. The same king magically made magic disappear.... The gargoyle on the tower points to a tile in the garden with a symbol on it. It's feeling very Da Vinci Code rn

A library... I miss Nesta.

The letter exchange between Celaena and Dorian is better than anything in acomaf. I said what I said. Including it for proof:

Your Highness—

It has come to my attention that your library isn’t a library, but rather a personal collection for only you and your esteemed father to enjoy. As many of your million books seem to be present and underused, I must beg you to grant me permission to borrow a few so that they might receive the attention they deserve. Since I am deprived of company and entertainment, this act of kindness is the least someone of your importance could deign to bestow upon a lowly, miserable wretch such as I.

Yours most truly,

Celaena Sardothien

Celaena beamed at her note and handed it to the nicest-looking servant she could find, with specific instructions to give it immediately to the Crown Prince. When the woman returned half an hour later with a stack of books piled in her arms, Celaena laughed as she swiped the note that crowned the column of leather.

My Most True Assassin,

Enclosed are seven books from my personal library that I have recently read and enjoyed immensely. You are, of course, free to read as many of the books in the castle library as you wish, but I command you to read these first so that we might discuss them. I promise they are not dull, for I am not one inclined to sit through pages of nonsense and bloated speech, though perhaps you enjoy works and authors who think very highly of themselves.

Most affectionately,

Dorian Havilliard

What happened to Sarah, when did she abandon romance?

Also. Again. This is supposed to be kept secret but she signed her name??? And Dorian responds "my assassin" any courier or spy would have had them by the balls before the day was done.

IS THAT KALTAIN??? Her ladies are idiots.

Ahhh, classic YA girlhate

Chapter 9

Super short chapter.

Aww, Chaol.

----

Overall I'm still enjoying this more than I expected.

Again what happened to sjm? This love triangle is building so well.

#ae read #throne of glass #sjm critical #celaena sardothien #dorian havilliard #chaol westfall #ae read throne of glass

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just-sp-in-inginthevoid · 16 days

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Looking back at my 2021 tok rev Tumblr post i was damn right my gut feeling about shinichiro sano being more deeper than just Takemichi Hanagaki spiritual successor. I love Wakui when he add that shin twist. God even back then i was always read dark shin fic i was FEEL right about this guy doing this stuff if he is push to far and I was dang right. Oh god. He need to a reason to continue and Manjiro is his reason. Take that reason away and he will be next villain of the world. Plus with how much responsibility he have to endure in short time and losing her mom and Manjiro in original timeline in short span of course he lose it. Plus there is a factor of grandpa sano being the kind of Japanese guy who doesn't seem to interested in talking with his grandson mental health. And a passive way he let Shin taking part in delinquency too factor in. I guess also because we don't see any Sano relatives who can support the Sano siblings if the Grandfather die. God. The amount of pressure on Shinichiro is tremendous. He is the one line of safety after his grandpa death and god this seek blood family even though he love Emma and Izana. His dedication to Manjiro is everything. Everything.

Also, your post in black dragons real life counterparts open my eyes. It is intentional. And the Shin we want to see is the same depressive fate Mikey have in canon. I love this guy but I want to see him break in further way. Mentally torture him with after his death how his fate originally for him pass to dear brother. Oh god, imagine this some twisted deity playing with his head and letting him know everything. Because i know damn sure takemichi and Mikey didn't tell the truth to Shin.

I WANT THIS MAN TO BREAK PART EVEN MORE

Suffer for my curiosity. I love him so much. He is in his comfort era too much right now it is hurt /no comfort era

Anon. Anon. Anon. I'm giving you the biggest platonic metaphorical forehead kiss rn. I. We share the same mind anon. You have no idea about the energy boost you gave me with that ask /srs

Honestly, reaching the Original Timeline, I wonder how many ppl still see Takemichi and Shinichiro are Basically the Same because they aren't. At least, we never saw Takemichi fall as deep as Shinichiro did. Plus, there's the fact one of Shinichiro's most important trait is being a (parentified) big brother and Takemichi is an only child.

He loves Emma and Izana, of course he does, but Mikey was there before Shinichiro lost his parents and had had to say goodbye to his normal life. Emma and Izana came afterward. There's only Takeomi and Mikey left from his (I assume peaceful) childhood.

Sometimes I think about how Shinichiro only left BD for Mikey to take over when he'll be old enough, and that it weirdly seems to coincide with the year their mom died and really, Shinichiro can go back to civilian life and being a shop owner, but without Mikey he wouldn't have. There's about half a year between their mom's passing and Mikey's accident and like... I think that, BD was such an emotional support for him during his teen years that he would've handle those four years better if they had remained together. If he had decided to fully go back to it (or to never leave) - and not just do shady things by himself - he'd have lived a more stable life - they'd have helped him sm - although Mikey would've still died (and Shinichiro would've probably met the same end since he can't accept loosing his younger brother).

I'm pretty sure Wakasa did (and other former members must have too) but Shinichiro really seems to have decided to take care of Mikey alone - like he has always done. I wonder how his and Takeomi's life were before it collapsed and they were left to figure out what to do by themselves.

Like you, I want to break him. I really want to observe how he act when he's fully broken; the manga didn't give us enough. He decided to name his gang like that when Mikey was still okay, that's a good clue to know he was already messed up from the start.

I have way too many fics to write and none near finished, but yeah, everyone (progressively, confusingly) remembering about their other lives in the final timeline is really, really tempting to write. They all (rightfully) freak out and Takemichi and Mikey really, really don't want them to remember but they have no power over it.

I just want to crush him under a comically huge cartoon hammer and turn him into a crêpe. He looks good covered in blood, and I need it to be both his and other ppl's blood. Let him go berserk dammit.

Rn the only WIP I have featuring a 'messed-up' Shinichiro has this synopsis/summary:

"In which Wakasa retraced his steps to where he left Shinichiro with the homeless man. They take over the world. Shinichiro takes it with him in his fall.

He dies and wakes up the year Mikey was born.

(The curse lingers on him and he won't be able to run away from it for long.)"

It's going to be such a longfic I have no idea how I'm going to manage it... but the prologue is at least there lol Let me know if you're interested

#i answered later than i wanted to but its bc i decided to use the energy boost i obtained to do stuffs i really have to do - it was #frustrating to delay my answer tho #Shinichiro is my lil stress toy - i squish him everytime i wanna feel better #answering asks #heliotropes #black dragon founders #shinichiro sano #thank you again for that ask anon #truly needed it #✨

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zeltqz · 1 year

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I felt this needed to be sent as an ask. I know it's one of the hardest things to do (writing when your motivation is weighing) but you have to try your best NOT to listen to them (those who keep asking for updates with no consideration of what it's like for the author). Pressure ain't doing nothing but motivating negativity. I know the guilt, I've been there. At the end of the day I gave what I could and the fic ended up being discontinued a month ago. I permanently quit writing because I felt it was so overwhelming and stressful despite being something I absolutely love doing, I just couldn't take knowing people waited for my updates, I was disappointing them and that disappointed me. Talk about depression. Writers depression is very real. So eventually I unpublished my wattpad fics, deleted all my Tumblr fics, and stayed a silent reader, I wrote short poems or small works here and there for my private instagram, just whenever I felt like it. I honestly thought it was permanent. Until a friend of mine started writing which sparked my interest in it again. So I restarted my blog a couple days ago. Gave thought to what it was I wanna write and how I want this blog to be different. Atm I'm barely writing, I started 3 fics last week yet they remain in my drafts untouched with no further progress. But I can honestly say the nonchalance and freedom I have is quite nice, I try to write here and again. Or even if a single sentence or dialogue comes to mind I note it down, that gave life to another sentence and another and another until I put it together and it formed about a decent paragraph.. I'M RAMBLING. I lost track of what I was supposed to say. I don't even know the main point of this story. Forgive me. But seriously, the best advice I can give is to unburden yourself before you drown. Literally. Write what you want when you can, your wips, don't delete them!! I promise you some time later you'll definitely be inspired for them again. And when u do you'll be able to literally write more for it!! I have an idea from 2 yrs ago and it's pretty decent, with some editing it could be even better. So please don't delete them 😭😭 and don't let people push you to update. You can if you can and You can't if you can't!!! I'm here if you need any help 🙏🏻 I noticed that talking about your writing with someone who reciprocates your energy can ignite a full on passionate conversation that will lead to creating quality work!! Like new ideas or even roots to go for old works.. It's a good way to keep the motivation flowing when you're running thin 🤍🤍🤍

this is honestly the sweetest piece of advice soeone ever gave me. its so detailed and relatable too because i used to be a wattpad writer back in 2021 and then ppl kept on asking for update update update and it was so stressful so I just logged out of the account and to this day i havent logged back in 😭😭

as someone who used to be a silent reader i understand the frustration of needing an update. dont get me wrong i understand. i used to feel that exact way because fics were my only source of happiness at one point in my life when everything was shitty. but now im actually writing them, i know why some writers dont want to update so fast because its so much pressure when theres 5-6 ppl in ur inbox asking for update update update

ik how hard it is to finish a story but also how desperate it can get for the readers waiting for said update. which is the reason im constantly trying to keep writing but now i feel like i just cant. im such a perfectionist i dont post anything i dont feel is my best but rn i feel like none of my works are and its making me slack a lot and i feel like if i dont stop feeling this way then i might stop writing as a whole because its making me frustrated

writing genuinely makes me happy bc i feel like its an escape from reality (which i desperately need bc i hate my life) but i cant write good enough which is making me annoyed because i need that reality escape sooooo bad

and the reason i asked yesterday which fics of mine were peoples favourites, most of them were the series that i had deleted from my page because i reread them and hated it so bad. now im rewriting it but with this lack of motivation its one of the hardest things ive had to do in a while

and i barely talk to ppl about my fics because idk i barely recieve comments about them except for PT 2 PLS. like as much as i would LOVE to write part 2 3 4 5 6 7 etc its not motivating enough since i dont have anyone motivating me to write.

ugh this is a lot i dont except anyone to read this but THANKS FOR THE ASK <3

#why do i love to add unnecessary problems to my life #then dedicate myself to solve them #then get sad when i fail #but im too deep in to just give up #i dont wanna deactivate either that solves nothing and itd make me sad #UGH

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birchblood · 1 month

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had the shocking realization that i am more depressed again (it's hard for me to recognize dips and crests in it as i've been struggling with deep depression my whole life). ugh. i'm just so worn out. at the risk of giving too much personal info on here i've been struggling more than usual, in particular since the fall where i was impacted by a mass shooting, and then in january my grandfather passed away and my grandmother (other side of family) decided to go on the warpath against me less than like 4 days after he died and it would have been quicker had i returned her call the day after. since then i've been really struggling w a resurgence in my eating disorder and i've just been overwhelmed the past 2 months. i'm just so tired all the time and really don't have much emotional support from others aside from my therapist, and it's hard. a friend came to visit 3 weeks ago and it was really fun but it's hard for me to talk around all the messed up stuff in my life because a) no one can deal w it tbh and as a result, b) i can't take any more emotional rejection from opening up. like it's just too much for other people. i was doing a little better w food and then it got worse again and i'm just done. i don't feel well, and haven't read for like 2 weeks or watched a movie which is how i know i'm depressed, and haven't wanted to make any art either which is also how i know, and letting my apartment get messy which is another indicator. sometimes it's hard for me to catch because i don't necessarily have the super obvious indicators like slipping in personal hygiene etc and still run daily and have a normal sleep schedule and maintain a "normal" mood/presentation. i also think i have low level depression most of the time so it's not like 0 to 60. and the low level depression is very manageable, so then i don't even consider myself depressed even though clinically i very much am, so then i don't really wonder if i am getting more depressed ever and wonder what is going on when literally i have been struggling w bad depression for ages.

i'm also really struggling w my feelings for someone and how they interact w trauma that's soooo deeply rooted. i don't like being personally transparent about it on here but if you see what i post about the most i'm sure you'll get the idea. the idea of being in a relationship with them is incredibly appealing to me, like i wouldn't want one rn with anyone else, but also really scary as i spend a lot of time keeping people at arms length because that's the only way i can easily maintain relationships without bolting. but i really really like them. and then that whole situation is messed up too and i'm worried i like them for trauma related reasons. but if i don't like aspects of the situation (age difference mainly), and wish it were different maybe it's not coming from a dysfunctional place. i really like them because aside from being attracted to them they've displayed an ability to be alongside what's happened to me in a way that made me feel like a whole person, while also being extremely cognizant of the violence i've been the victim of, and not making it about them at all. they're literally the first and only person who has treated me like that.

i don't know.

#personal

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