#been feeling really depressed recently but i went on a walk today and read a really good mlb fic (call it even) so im feelin better :) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

raffe156 · 1 year

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Escape to the country part 4

Pairing - Price X MC (Tank) F!reader

Summary - This one broke me a little bit close to 6K but hope you love it strap in!

For Luke I had this image of Henry cavill in my head sorry if he's not your cup of tea.

You can read the other parts here

A/N - I really appreciate all the recent feedback and asks! Please keep em coming! It only spurs me on haha feel free to reblog 💖

Here's some of the songs I listened to while writing this and what I think goes well with reading:

Mt. Joy - “Dirty Love”

Foster the people - “Lambs wool”

Tame Impala - “Eventually”

Beach house - “Space song”

Steve Lacy -”Dark red” (Of course)

Lorde - “Ribs” (This one is more for Tank & Kyle)

Phantogram - “Black out days”

Maneskin - “The Loneliest”

Young the Giant - “My way”

Sufjan Stevens - “Fourth of July” (Had to get the depression just right)

Warnings for the whole storyline - Under 18+ DNI, angst, Smut, Language, mutual pining, alcohol,fluff, Age gap Relationship feelings, Price (39) reader (Tank, 25)

Tags: @irnbru32 @shuttlelauncher81 @mildlyhopeless @mentallynot-here @deadbranch @soapyghost

I know I had more tag request but for some reason it wont let me tag you guys!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Call of duty characters Only Tank & Luke

——————————

You were sat at the kitchen table listening to Kyle talk about how he had had the best night's sleep of his life, you, on the other hand, had spent the last remaining hours lying awake unable to close your eyes as when you did your mind was filled with the images of Price and her, tangled up in his sheets, bodies crashed together, him whispering how she feels so good under him, how he wants her and she of course wants him. His grunts and groans, Images of them just being together in the house, walking around like she owned the place, cuddled up together in front of the fire…just like he had done with you…She must have been round more recently than Price had initially said for her underwear to be under his bed, he had said she came when it wasn’t even liveable so that now of course you knew wasn't true, you tormented yourself for the rest of the night wondering when she had come to ‘visit’ him.

“Take it you didn't get much sleep last night, I can tell by your face…I’ve seen that look before”

“What look?”

“The one on your face right now, you look like shit, sorry but you do Tank, what’s up?”

“Thanks…I'm just super tired, couldn't really sleep last night, unfamiliar you know me”

“I do an that’s why I call bullshit…something else is wrong…did something happen last night after I went to bed? I noticed you weren’t behind me when I went up”

You shifted in your seat, god dammit he did know you, knew you very well, but you couldn’t tell him the reason you had been up all night was because your Captain had shagged the Irish Doctor and you were jealous, well not jealous upset that he had lied…but yeh jealous because you had these messed up feelings that you couldn't make sense of and felt or at least had an indication that he felt the same way? Instead You looked at him giving him a weak smile.

“No nothing happened ha ha I came up not long after you, like I said just unfamiliar setting that’s all, but I could do with a coffee please if your making one”

Kyle could see right through you, but he thought best not to push and hoped that given time you would tell him what was going on in that head of yours, he only wanted to help.

“Fair enough, I did see that Cap got us that shitty cold brew stuff that we love so much? Want one of them? Perk you up a bit you miserable cow?”

His grin made you smile a genuine one. Even when he didn't have a clue what was going on her knew how to help.

“Yeh go on then, I’ll need it for this walk today…and just today in general”

“Oh yeh nature hike and a pub dinner didn't he say? Wonder if he’s even up?” Kyle glanced over at the clock on the wall 9:30am it wasn't like Price to stay in past 6, maybe off-duty Price was different?

“Wanna go wake him up? Ill make you a brew to take up to him?”

“Erm no you go wake him up, I got him in bed you can get him out of it…” you stopped realising that you had just dropped yourself in it.

“I'm sorry what? You got him in bed did you just say?” Kyle was on you like a rash. His face puzzled but intrigued. You shooed him away and put your hand out for your drink that he was withholding from you now for answers.

“Gods sake Kyle give me the coffee, I came down for a herbal tea because I couldn't sleep and he was down here drunk as a skunk so I helped him up to bed that’s all” you were getting tetchy now and Kyle could tell he’d touched a nerve.

“Oh ok, hey if you hadn’t he would of ended up sleeping down here I bet haha”

“Yeh I would have done and had a bad back to show for it! Thanks again for that Kid” Price walked into the kitchen as he passed you he rubbed your back with his hand. The heat you got from his touch would have made you smile normally, but this time it caused your body to flinch forward. The movement went unnoticed by Price as he made his way over to the kettle to pour himself a brew.

“Weathers just right for a walk today, couple hours out then we can come back get showered and changed and go to the local gastro pub for dinner how does that sound?” Price smiled at you both, but he lingered on you for a minute longer, his eyes bright, blue and hopeful. You returned it with a smile. You couldn’t help it, all you saw was her perched on the counter with a glass of wine as he cooked. Maybe you should just go home…

**********

Price glanced back at you trailing behind him and Kyle, your head somewhere else entirely. His stomach a mixture of butterflies and knots since this morning when he had woken up remembering how you had found him downstairs drunk, how you had been stood with just a T-shirt on, his T-shirt you had kept it, he thought about how it would smell like you now and how he wanted it back, or better yet wanted you two to share it.

If you hadn’t of stopped him last night he would have told you how he felt, how he had been feeling for some time and that maybe, just maybe you would be willing to give him a chance, and you would figure the rest out later, but this morning you seemed off somehow. Maybe you were just tired he knew how you could be with new places.

You noticed Price looking back at you every so often, each time you gave him a weak smile or just pretended you hadn’t clocked his looks. How long were you going to keep this up for? You didn’t have the right to be jealous, but the thoughts were swirling inside you making you stomach churn, he was going to want to talk to you at some point either about last night or just your shitty attitude in general.

“You ok back there, not going to fast for you are we?” Price stopped just a few feet ahead of you. His eyes giving you a secret “what's the matter” look as Kyle walked ahead to greet the herd of highland cows that had gather along the cobble wall.

“Im fine really, just tired couldn’t get back to sleep last night” you weren’t exactly lying. You glanced up at him finally making eye contact, he looked worried as though he had done something wrong, and he hadn’t, not really he had lied to you but it wasn’t really your business to know either he didn't owe you an explanation you just expected one and that was wrong of you, but you couldn't get the image of it out of your head every time you glanced at him there she was draped on his arm, nuzzled into his chest, face in the crook of his neck. Had he also given her this waterproof jacket to or even walked this same trail, what little trinket did he have in his room for her? It was bubbling up now spitting up an out you opened your mouth to speak but it was interrupted by a loud whistle, you both snapped round to see the herd of cows all marching away from the wall, but as they parted you noticed a tall man walking over to greet Kyle on the other side.

“Alright Pricey!” he waved over at you both his eyes giving you the once over before flashing a set of perfect white teeth. Price gave a little huff at the interaction walking over to the wall. You followed close behind. Pricey?

“Alright Luke mate, how’s things?” Price nodded his head at the man. As you got a closer look at him he seemed to forget Price had even spoke and instead watched as you walked around Price to stand near Kyle who was halfway over the wall stroking a baby cow.

“Yeh…good keeping these lots happy is busy work but the best kind” Luke nodded back to the herd of about 20 cows.

“I’ve been meaning to speak to you actually about the dead oak that’s round the back of the houses, I’ve got a mate who can get it moved for us I meant to knock on yesterday but seen you had guests…” His words trailed off as he glanced at you again giving you a wink. He was a brave one you thought. Price puffed his chest out once again. He was obviously irritated by the situation. Did Luke live next door to price?

“Yeh I'll get it sorted, give me you mates number ill give him a ring when I get chance got my hands full with these two this weekend”

You waved as you introduced yourself, giving Kyle a kick to do the same.

“Didn’t know you had Kids Pricey” Luke looked you and Kyle over, he must be joking right? You peered over at Price who was giving Luke that eye-crinkling smile but the patronizing one that was only reserved for when you had fucked up big time.

“Hahaha no not my kids, Luke I’m not that old, workmates, both city slickers coming to spend some time in the fresh outdoors!” You could see Price edging his way back from the wall. You would be lying if you didn't think Luke was handsome, he was a slightly bigger build than Price, dark brown hair from what you could see under his beanie hat and a big beard, his eyes a pale blue. What were you doing? You were staring and Luke noticed. He gave you a cheeky wink again causing your face to blush slightly and a smirk to tug at the corner of your mouth. Price cleared his throat.

“Anyway best be off, doing the waterfall walk then heading to the hound for an early Dinner” Price placed his hand on your shoulder and ever so gently started to push you.

“Oh no worries might join you for a drink later eh? You can tell me all about the big city…” there was that smile again. He had a look of arrogance, but he wore it well you thought.

“Yeh might see you there…if not ill be round later for that mate of yours number” Price was now steering you away from the nice man, the stranger with the cheeky grin. Luke whistled his cows again still looking at you as you walked away Price firmly at your back. If Price could have his Irish Doctor, why couldn’t you have your country Farmer?

******

The walk had taken longer than expected, so Price decided that it was best to just head straight to the Pub it was a short 10min walk, you secretly thought it was so you didn't run into Luke again.

You walked into the old Tudor building it was cosy the smell of wet pine and slightly stale beer filled your nose. The door frames were warped and Price and Kyle had to duck under most of them. As the waitress guided you to your table everyone let on to John and the pair of you two asking how he was and how he’d been keeping causing you to have to stop every few meters. When you finally got seated you were greeted by yet another woman who was overly friendly with Price and gave you the cold shoulder. She was probably a pleasant-looking woman when she was younger but the years and the cigarettes hadn’t been kind to her, skinny and blonde with too much red lipstick on. She spoke to Price as if they were old lovers. Oh great another one you thought.

“Well its good to see you John, really it is, we should do lunch sometime do you still have my number?” She stroked his arm handing him a business card. Kyle gave you a look and you had to bite your lip to stop from laughing.

“Yeh Tracey was lovely seeing you too, take care” Price waved her on.

“Old flame eh boss?” Kyle was pretending to browse the menu while shooting you a grin. Price shook his head a slight smile creeping on his face.

“Yeh you could say that, but way back when we were kids” Price looked over the business card.

“I'm sure she married actually…”

*******

You had all finished your meals and were now sat out in the main room of the pub, An old fella named Tommy was singing country road on the karaoke trying to get people up on the small stage with him. Price had been asked 3 times to sing, You told Kyle you would pay good money to witness that. You had all had a few drinks by now and you were feeling a little better the vodka had numbed the images and you could look Price in the eyes not for long but it made the atmosphere less tense. Price had noticed you had relaxed he still couldn't think what had changed overnight he had rattled his brain the entire hike he hadn’t said anything had he? Had he come on too strong did you know what he was going to say last night and stopped him to save yourself and him the embarrassment of turning him down, he did think deep down he was being an old fool. You were a bright young 24 year old why on earth would you want to be getting about with a nearly 40-year-old man but he couldn’t help but hope?

He watched you sing along you and Kyle shoulder-to-shoulder arms around each other. Not only did you light up the room you lit up something in him and he wasn't ready to give up on just yet. He decided he was going to have chat with you tomorrow morning, but for tonight he would just enjoy you here with him.

Just as Price was about to get another round in, he watched as your attention turned to the door your best smile on your face. He turned to see Luke walking over to the table his eyes trained on you as if the place was empty. Price felt his scalp prickle with anger, but surely he didn't have anything to worry about, you weren’t easily flattered with a flash smile and smooth words you weren't like other women. He stood up to greet Luke with a handshake, a firm handshake maybe a bit too firm as it caused Luke to break his eye contact with you and pat him on the shoulder.

“Easy there Pricey, don't know your own strength nearly crushed my hand! How are you Kyle mate” Luke reached out his hand to shake Kyles, who still had his arm around your shoulder singing, Kyle was a lightweight.

“He’s a little bit drunk” you shouted over the current singer, now , mumbling away to UB40’s “Red red wine”

“I can see that haha and what about you, you want another one?” He flashed that cheeky smile again.

“Go on then Vodka lime soda please” You downed your current one.

“Adda girl, wanna come to the bar you can help me back with the rest?”

You nodded, you didn't need to ask Kyle what he wanted you knew his choice of drink off by heart, Price would have another Whisky. Without even looking back you followed Luke to the bar. He smelt of fresh-cut grass and aftershave, it lingered around you. Standing at the bar he placed his hand on the other side of you enclosing you against it his chest pressed to your back, he was a bold one you thought, but you didn't mind, you could see Price looking over in the mirror behind the bar, he looked pissed off, but the pang of guilt didn't last long as Luke was now in your ear trying to talk to you over the load music you felt his cheek brush against yours his beard tickled your earlobe.

“So what is your do? you don’t look like a lorry driver?” Lorry driver? Oh was this what Price told people he did?

“Ohh no I'm not, I work in logistics back at the depot” you smirked. Logistics? Not far off well it was way off but it was nice to pretend haha if only he knew.

“Ohh so your the brains of the operation nice” His face a few inches from yours, you the brains of the operation? Price would be holding his sides laughing if he had heard that. The barmaid came over to take your order, she obviously had a thing for Luke as she was giving you the dirtiest look imaginable. But you couldn't blame her he was handsome. Your drinks came and you both made your back to the table. Kyle was now up on stage singing Neil Diamond's “Sweet Caroline” you gave him a wolf whistle.

“GO ON KYLE!!” Luke shouted above the crowd as they all joined in for the chorus. Price had a faint smile on his face but as he looked over at you it soon faded. Luke had made himself comfortable with you too comfortable for Price’s liking. As you handed him his whisky he tried to make eye contact with you and give you a ‘want me to get rid of him’ look, but as soon as he took his glass you turned your attention back to Luke and whatever he was saying that was making you giggle. His arm around the back of our chair leaning in that little bit too close, Price could feel his jaw clenching and turned his focus on Kyle who now had half the pub up singing with him. Even over the commotion, he could still hear you and Luke laughing, he could snap his neck he thought, it would be easy he’d done it before.

“So is there a Mr Tank” Luke cocked his eyebrow at you, you squinted your eyes at him smiling.

“I was just about to ask you the same thing, but no there isn’t, is there a Mrs. Highland cow?” You took a large swig of your drink nearly downing it. His eyes lit up.

“No there isn’t a Mrs highland cow, there was but we broke up about a year ago, she wanted to go live in the city and I wanted to stay here, thought I was going to marry her as well but things happen yah know” he looked down into his pint almost sad. You felt a slight pang in your heart for him. Loving something but having to let it go.

“The city isn’t all it's cracked up to be, not spent much time down here but I like it…could see myself living down here…” you meant it, you really liked the quiet and in your line of work you needed that escape. Price felt that telltale flutter in his chest at your words, you liked it down here and he was happy and willing to give you a home he thought.

“Well you’ve always got a room at mine whenever you want” Price gave your thigh a squeeze followed by a wink.

“I Don’t think Dr. O'Brien would appreciate us having sleepovers do you John?” You couldn't hide the snarl as the words left your mouth. Price’s face was a mixture of confusion and anger where had that come from?

Kyle and his backing singers were now onto their 3rd song of the night Kc & the sunshine band ‘Give it up’. Luke didn't have a clue what was going but could feel the tension like static in the air before a storm, so before the thunder rolled in he intervened.

“Hey come keep me company while I have a smoke…I’m dying to know more about the logistics of HGV driving” He tugged on your arm. You shot Price a look as you stood up, Luke draped his arm around you steering you out the back. Your blood was rushing through your body.

You weren't a little toy he could keep on a shelf to play with when he felt like it.

You were brought back round by the cold dusk air biting at your cheeks, you had forgot to bring your jacket out with you, but as if he had read your mind Luke opened his coat offering you shelter. He gave you a smirk at he lit his cigarette up with his other hand.

“Either get in here with me or you go back into whatever the fuck that was and get your coat? Your choice”

You didn't fancy heading back in so thought fuck it, and tried to wrap your arms around him he was broad and your hands couldn't quite reach so you opted for one clinging to the back of his jumper and the other resting on his chest and as you tucked yourself in he closed his coat over you both your face just popping out you could feel the sting of tears but blinked them away and instead basked in the calm warmth Luke was providing.

After a few moments Luke looked down at you.

“You ok in there? Warm enough?”

You nodded, this guy was a stranger not a few hours ago and now you were bundled up in his coat pressed against him, but you didn't care. Luke cleared his throat.

“It's not my place, but what’s the deal with you and Price? You guys have history or something?” He took another drag of his cigarette. History you and Price? Haha where could you even start? You had known him since you were 16, had been hand selected by him, fought side by side, been in dire situations and come out somewhat intact, you had taken a bullet for him he had kept your head above water. He reminded you that what you did mattered “We get dirty and the world stays clean” he had told you and Kyle that an you had both believed him. What you and Price were couldn’t be confined to just one sentence, so you didn't try.

“You could say that, but that's all it is history” you peered up at Luke his grey-blue eyes side-eyeing you.

“What?” You felt the slight flutter of butterflies. Luke didn't answer, instead he flicked his cigarette out and cupped your face pulling you up into a deep kiss, you opened your mouth allowing his ashtray-tasting tongue to explore your mouth. You could feel his heart beating fast under your hand as he tightened his other arm around you pulling you in closer. With one movement he had you trapped between the wall and his body trailing kisses down your neck. He smelt of cigarette smoke, beer and cut grass, it was different to Price’s cigars, whisky and smoked cedar but you didn't mind that.

“Tell me to stop…” he whispered softly kissing your jaw. You didn't want him to so you stayed silent, you looped your hands around his neck and jumped wrapping your legs around his waist, his hands automatically grabbing your arse. You continued your kiss, you could feel him getting hard through his jeans. Just as you both took a moment to catch your breath you heard the crunch of footsteps on the gravel path. It was probably one of the regulars coming out for a smoke. Luke put you down but cloaked you with his coat. Your warm breath mingled together in a cloud in the cold air. Luke gave you a cheeky smile his thumb stroking your cheek. He looked to see if the stranger had wandered back round to the front of the pub so you could continue, but his smile dropped. You heard the familiar gravelly voice of Your Captain.

“We’re heading back now Tank, Kyles had one too many” Your heart sank as he spoke you could hear the anger in his voice.

“Ok…I’ll be right behind you” your voice a low mumble. He must of heard as you could hear his footsteps walking away and back round to where he must of left Kyle. You dared to peek over Lukes coat seeing Price helping Kyle walk up the road.

“Where’s Tank, can’t leave her here Boss we come as a 3 pack!” Kyle was now clearly in distress trying to turn back around to find you, it tugged at your heart, but your were frozen to the spot.

“She’s alright lad, she's alright she’ll find her way back home” Price was rubbing kyles shoulder calming him down, pulling him back in the right direction. Luke looked down at you, his hand now on the back of your neck he pulled you into him for a hug and you let it happen, his slowing heart rate soothing you, you felt the prickle of tears forming and did you best to keep them at bay but one escaped causing you to sniffle.

“Let’s go have another drink eh? Getting cold out here” He kissed your cheek and lead you back inside.

********

You walked with Luke back home, he did after all live next door to Price. Luke made you laugh even though you didn't feel like it, it was nice.

“So do you run the farm by yourself?” You walked tucked into him you hand finding a loop on his coat to cling to.

“No I run it with my 4 brothers, so always someone to cover for me if I want to take some time off” He cocked his eyebrow at you, the hint didn't go unnoticed.

“Thought you didn't like the city?” You rolled your eyes dramatically.

“Never said I didn't like it, and besides think I have a reason to visit it more now” he pulled you in closer to him. You didn't mind the idea. Maybe this made more sense?

“An what reason would that be Luke?” You stopped just round the corner from the houses. Looking up at him a little smirk on your face. He answered you with a firm but gentle kiss.

“Good reason” you mumbled against his lips. You continued walking back to the houses, you glanced at Price’s house only the porch light was lit, the feeling of dread was slowly returning. Maybe he had gone to bed. Not that you owed him an explanation just as he didn't owe you one. You looked back at Luke he gave you that cheeky grin.

Would he still like you if he knew what you really did, would he still want to kiss you knowing what you had done. What about the scars that littered your body how would you explain them, you didn't have to with Price he understood he had ones to match yours. Would Luke understand? Would he kiss them and tell you he still thought you were beautiful? What about when you woke howling like a wounded animal in the night like you sometimes did, Price knew to handle you with care. Would Luke? When your bad temper flared would he know your bark was worse than you bite? Price knew it was. Stop it. Luke wasn't him but he was nice and you hoped he would understand all your shortcomings.

“Can I tempt you back to mine for a nightcap?” He looped his arms around your waist pulling you to him leaning against the wall like two teenagers. You thought about it, but didn't want to give him the wrong idea.

“Not tonight, but…” Luke stopped you.

“It’s ok I understand but can I at least get your number? Planning a trip to the city soon and need a tour guide” He flashed his perfect white teeth at you as he handed you his phone to put your number in. You did and gave him your direct line.

He lifted you chin up to face him, kissing you once again. He walked you to the door then broke away to return to his.

“Good night, city girl”

“Good night Luke”

************

You walked into the kitchen you needed a drink of water the butterflies had turned to lead weights inside your stomach.

“Have fun did we, he's a nice lad Luke?” Price’s voice made you jump, he was stood by the back door only the counter spotlights were on.

“I did actually,hows Kyle?” You tried your best to keep your voice level, even though your stomach was a pit of lava churning away.

“Oh he's fine nothing a good kip won't sort out, he's made a few friends tonight, but he's not the only one is he?”

“What's that supposed to mean John?”

“Nothing, how's that going to work out anyway? You going to tell him what you really do? Or are you just going to let him think you work in logistics?”

“I don't know JOHN! how does the Irish Doctor feel about what you do? Helen is that her name? Did you talk about it when she was here last? Bit of war criminal pillow talk? Bet she would love to hear about some of the things I’ve witnessed you do!” you were shouting now the anger crawling to the surface. Price was silent for a moment, his mouth upturned his brow furrowed.

“What are you on about? You mentioned her earlier in the pub what has she got to do with any of this Tank?”

“Really? You gonna continue to play dumb? You fucking dickhead!”

Price had made his way over to you in two strides, he was right in your face now.

“What are you on about!” The anger in his voice rattle your bones. But you stood your ground.

“I found her knickers John, under your fucking bed the other night! You said she came when the house wasn't even finished! It looks fucking finished to me! You had the cheek to lie to my face in this very kitchen and here, you stood here saying you had something to get off your chest, well get it off your fucking chest now JOHN!” You were raging. His heart plummeted. It all made sense now, he didn't want you to find out like that.

“…it was a one-time thing she was here, we were drunk…it didn't mean anything…like I said she talks too much…” He placed his hand on your shoulder. You shrugged it off. He could see the hurt in your eyes your lip starting to quiver.

“You know what it doesn’t matter you don't owe me an explanation…you know what never mind how Me and Luke would work, or you an Helen…how would this even work? Me and you? Tell me John…”

He looked you dead in the eye, he was starting to think he didn't know either, maybe he had been fooling himself. He knew what he had to do.

“You know what…It wouldn’t work, would it…” he hung his head, he couldn't meet your eyes. He felt hopeless. You were better off with someone else. Deep down you wanted him to tell you it would work, that you could make it work, but his expression had changed, you didn’t recognise him. No you did he wasnt John anymore he was Captain Price, your Captain all sense of familiarity gone just like that…

“I'm sorry if I’ve acted in anyway inappropriately this weekend, but just so we are clear our relationship will be strictly professional from now on” He glanced out the window, he was fighting to keep his heart from shattering. He wished he hadn’t looked at you when he did the light was draining from you like a dying star collapsing in on itself, he had caused that.

If only there was another way to do this, it felt like murder to put you through this, He had promised to never hurt you, but here he was slowly choking out the fire you had both started. It was better this way…not for him but for you he had to believe that or else he would cling to the hope and drag you down with him. Really he wanted you to kick and scream call him stupid and that it would work that you could make it work, but he knew you needed better, no you deserved better.

Inside you were screaming ‘Don’t do this to me please John” but all you could muster was

“Ok I understand, I'll get the train back in the morning. Tell Kyle I said goodbye…”

“You don't have to get the train back, I'll drive you…”

“No it's ok, I'm going to head to bed…Night John…sweet dreams”

“Night kid…sweet dreams..”

As you walked up the stairs and out of earshot, Price allowed himself to crumble slamming his fist onto the countertop.

Had he just made the biggest mistake, he wouldn't know as by the morning you were gone just like you said leaving a note under the Little tank in your room that read:

“Thanks again for a nice weekend John, yours always, Tank”

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my-castles-crumbling · 1 month

Text

Swiftie Anon

Hi guys! I got an ask from an anon that might be triggering so I'm copy-pasting it here so I can put a 'read more' button. I'm naming them Swiftie Anon because they said Taylor really helped them.

TW: SH, SI

Hi Cas, hope you’re ok, because I sure as hell am not. Trigger warning, like mentions of self harm and stuff like that I think.

I’m a seventh grader and recently I’ve been thinking about killing myself a lot more than I usually do. During the pandemic I was in 3rd grade and I kinda realized how much life sucked, but when I went back to school in 5th grade, I realized that this hadn’t occurred to anyone else. I kind of brushed it off bc I’ve always been sort of a pessimist but then I sixth grade I started having suicidal thoughts, I think. I just felt really done with everything, I didn’t want to draw or read or write, and my parents were pissed all the time, it felt like my friends were bored of me (I have abandonment issues from all my friends in elementary school leaving me) (I think)and I thought it would just be easier to not exist anymore, it wasn’t that good. I discovered Taylor, the angel that she is, she just felt…like a friend, like she was right there, you know, and I’ve been mostly okay-ish since. But school fucking sucks and in 7th grade I had to do a presentation in front of my class and I started crying and hyperventilating, I couldn’t even stand up. I think I have anxiety idk. I’ve always been shy, and I’ve hyperventilated before when my parents were yelling at me about stuff and my arms started bleeding because I was digging my nails into them. My parents found out at conferences and I got grounded. my brother knows bc he walked in on me crying and hyperventilating once but he’s leaving for college next year and idk how the fuck I’ll stay together without him. My younger sister and I are really close, but I don’t want to drag her in onto this stuff. And ik once I get to high school it’ll be even worse bc high school sounds horrible and I might be all alone again bc I might not go to the same high school as my friends

I haven’t said a word about this to anyone voluntarily and I know I can’t tell my parents. I always lie on those surveys you get at the doctor, and my parents are always saying I should have a more positive outlook on life and try to be happier and it makes me so pissed bc I am trying as hard as I can to be happening but nothing fucking works.

idk what do with myself anymore, a teacher mentioned college today and I almost broke down sobbing bc I don’t think I’ll let myself live that long. It’s just…really hard and everyday feels like years. Should I tell someone? I’m not as bad as I was in 6th grade, but I know I should be getting help somehow. But I suck at asking for things and I can’t trust any adults.

sorry for the rant, I just need some advice. And a virtual, pat on the head or something, idk.

---

Hi hon!

First, (with your permission), I'm like to give you a virtual hug, because it sounds like you're dealing with a lot <3

I'm gonna be really real with you right now: You need to ask for some help. You have a lot going on, and some really heavy feelings, and you don't deserve to be dealing with them at ALL, let alone by yourself.

You're young, and you have SO MUCH life left to enjoy, and suffering through it like this isn't fair. So I'm going to share something about myself with you, okay?

When I was younger, I was very depressed. I was in a bad relationship and I felt very trapped, and I got to a point similar to you.

One day, I got so overwhelmed that I sort of realized that I either needed to ask for help or I would end up making a really bad decision. So, I asked for help.

Again, I'm going to be real: It was SUPER scary. I had to see a lot of doctors and I cried a lot. But after a lot of work, I was able to get better, and now, years later, I am in a (different) healthy relationship, and I have a job and a pet, and I'm here talking to you.

I know this sounds stupid because it's like some feel-good story and right now I'm sure you feel less than great. But I say this because you NEED to ask for help, even if it is difficult. Because there are real things past this feeling. A future job, a future relationship (if you want), a future pet, future kids (if you want). They're all very real and achievable and this feeling is temporary, even thought it feels so permanent right now.

So I'm going to give you some options, since it seems like you don't want to talk to your parents:

Talk to a doctor. Doctors are trained to help you, and they have a lot of resources.

Talk to a trusted teacher. Teachers can sometimes be amazing resources as well, and a lot of them want to listen when you ask to talk.

Talk to a different adult (aunt, uncle, coach, someone!) that you feel close to that will help.

Call/text/message a hotline. Here is an example of a hotline you can talk to via messaging, text, or phone, depending on what you prefer.

But you need to ask for help, because you DESERVE to be happy and living your best life.

It would make me super happy if you message/inboxed me an update, whether you're doing better, worse, or the same! I'm so proud of you for reaching out and I'm cheering you on!

#ask #asks #ask cas #tw: sh

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balancedtranslocationdiaries · 2 years

Text

Getting through IVF failure

Date night: After the anxiety and cortisol of the two-week wait dwindles, I usually fall into a depression coma. I think it's really important to prioritise your relationship with each other during this time and make a deliberate effort to go on a date day/night. Leaving the house and being affectionate may feel like the LAST thing you want to do, but trust me, it helps. We went out to an Italian restaurant we had wanted to try for a while and purposely went to the cinema to see a movie afterwards instead of retreating back to the couch and rotating Netflix catalogue.

Get off social media: social media is the best and worst remedy for infertility related anxiety and depression. The night we went to the movies for date night I quickly glanced at Instagram prior to the movie starting and was caught off guard by a friends pregnancy announcement of her SECOND baby in 12 MONTHS! I sat there fuming. "That's it! I'm going offline.. better yet.. I'm going off grid! NO PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENTS IF I'M LIVING IN A CAVE?!

Once I had grounded myself again (thanks to Chris Hemsworth and chocolate) I remembered the amazing support networks I've gained through social media, and the way it has countered so much of the loneliness I've felt lately. Instead of quitting altogether, I made the decision to limit myself moving forward. For me this meant avoiding my IVF Instagram page for a few weeks, muting all accounts with babies and pregnancy related content and limiting social media use altogether. I turned to 'healthier' alternatives such as phone free netflix binges, journaling, reading, walking with a podcast on etc.

Puzzles: when you only feel capable of dwelling on what could have been, doing a puzzle gives your mind something else to focus on. With each puzzle piece there is a sense of accomplishment and while IVF doesn't promise any end goal for your effort, puzzles do. My routine in the early days of grief involved working on a puzzle while watching Stranger things. No time for ruminating when your hands and mind are busy.

Catch up with friends who don't have kids and aren't on that wavelength: when you're early 30s and onwards it can be hard to find friends who aren't pregnant, aren't parents or aren't trying to conceive. I still have a few friends who fit this category so I make an effort to prioritise these friendships during IVF slumps. When I went for a walk with one of my best friends who is far from trying to have children, it was such a nice circuit breaker. We discussed work stress, upcoming holidays, dog training, her winery tour adventures .. literally everything but kids! We did briefly discuss the failed transfer (a girl needs to vent) but it wasn't the focus of the catch up. If you don't have friends that fit this category, I'd suggest establishing boundaries and communicating what you need prior to catching up. Maybe this is "Just a heads up I'm struggling at the moment and would like to avoid talking about IVF today" Or "I'm going to talk about the transfer for 5 minutes but stop me if I bring it up again because I know it's not useful for me to revisit it."

Boundaries: family members and friends mean well when they ask how you're feeling but personally, I seldom find this helpful. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the loss and despair being acknowledged, but having to repeatedly revisit the grief and discuss it can keep me feeling stuck. I usually say something along the lines of "thanks for checking in but talking about something else would be most helpful for me right now."

Home improvement: To get me through the most recent failure I decided to do something nice for myself (budget permitting of course!). I bought a new plant after the transfer, a reading chair and a some bits and pieces from KMART to make a reading space which has brought me so much joy. It doesn't have to be a project as big as this to bring a sense of accomplishment. It could be organising a cupboard under your sink or buying some new bathroom towels. They say change is as good as a holiday and I think they're on to something.

Enjoy forbidden pregnancy things and child free luxuries: take yourself to a bougee sushi restaurant, order yourself a cocktail and a charcuterie board, buy a morning coffee and maybe an afternoon coffee as well! I try and romanticize and feel grateful for the life I have right now. A life that is, in many ways, selfish and indulgent (hello reading for 2 hours at a time or getting 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep). Would I prefer to be a mother? One thousand times yes.

Do I choose to nurture and hold hope for the person in the waiting? Absolutely.

I hope this helps x

#survivingivf #ivf #health #infertile #balancedtranslocation #translocation

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iamthecomet · 8 months

Note

Finally answering now

Hoot :D

It is absolutely fine, stuff can get lost in the drafts (this is such a thing that would happen to me istg)

Due to a few legal issues it took a while but I finally started the new meds this morning (this means I’ll be taking half of the dose for 5-10 days and then switch to the regular dose)

Luckily, it‘s super Rainy and rather cold since yesterday, because heat isn‘t very nice on my body and makes the general dizziness worse (which would then get enhanced by the meds during the adjustment period)

Thank you. I‘m honestly super thankful that I have friends like that. In like two weeks, my mother will be away for a whole week again (which was the gigantic problem a few weeks ago already. We found a solution for that back then)

This time it seems like she’ll actually let me stay home alone if I‘ll stay over at friend‘s places for like at least 2-3 nights (I’ve proven repeatedly that I can take care of myself for a few days and I actually seem to do better when I’m alone (only when it‘s not permanently but for one or two nights))

I‘m actually really excited for that, cause I have one sleepover (well it‘s more or less a sleep over if I sleep at a friend‘s place, eh?) planned already and I know that we‘ll finally finish watching season 2 of the Witcher. (And possibly she and the other friend we started watching it with will actually stay with me the night after that and we might start season 3 which was recently released? (Is released the right word? Oh god, ESL struggles)

About the cane: I‘ve started to feel more and more unstable and much more unsafe from day to day and every slightly bigger bit I have to walk (to the point that I need to take a short break when walking up the stairs to our apartment (and we live on the 3rd floor, so it‘s really not that high))

I do have a general doctors appointment scheduled for December, but it feels like that will take forever. And I’ll have to go there again sooner because they need to test my blood, but that‘ll be in the end of September and there probably won‘t be a doctor.

So we decided that my mother, stepdad and I will buy a cane (without prescription, so we‘ll have to pay fully for it). It‘ll be like 40-50€, which apparently is like 45-55$, but we decided that it‘s worth it to keep me at least a little more independent

We‘re planning on buying it on Thursday. Tomorrow, I’ll have one of my regular appointments, for which I’ll have to walk quite a bit (to get there). So I’m pretty scared of that, but I also know that I’ll just have to make it that day and then I‘ll most likely finally get something to help make me feel a little more stable

(It’s getting long again, whoop-)

Things sadly aren‘t going as well anymore. I’ve been feeling really terrible yesterday and the day before yesterday. Somehow today was quite a bit better and I also finally had a bit of contact with my partner again, which was awesome (we’re long distance and I struggle to text people, especially when I feel worse)

TW mental health

I had to fight against like suicidal thoughts and thoughts about relapsing (I have a bit of a history with self harm) again, which had been less intense for quite a while but sadly came back.

Luckily, today was better with that as well (at least so far), and I got to loose myself a little more in my interests again which is an awesome distraction

And I also managed to not only go to a grocery store that requires me to take a bus and a streetcar (and also walk), but I also went and got some bread for lunch in the grocery store that is not even two minutes away (going outside is something I struggle with, as well as grocery stores and ofc walking, so I think that‘s some pretty great success)

How have you been? Is the post really-great-stuff depression at least a bit better?

~ @owlishanon

Getting to this finally (I've already read your update, so I'll answer that one shortly too ♥. Trying to get caught up on my asks/requests FINALLY. We'll see how many I actually have energy for). It's been a couple days and I hope your new meds are treating you alright. I know the adjustment period could be nasty, but I'm hoping it goes easy on you, you deserve it. Your week alone (sort of) sounds like it will be great. You'll get to spend time with your friends, and some time to yourself (which can sometimes be really great). And just knowing that you've got fun stuff to look forward to while she's away is great. I'm sorry that you've had some bad mental health days, but I'm glad that you're pushing through it and still taking care of yourself. You can always DM me if you need someone to vent to if/when you're going through it <3. Going to the grocery stores, and getting stuff done is great. Even when it's just errands it feels good to get out of the house and accomplish something when you're feeling down. It's like a little reminder that you can do this. I've been alright. My mental health is not where it should be but I'm taking it easy and doing what I can and being nice to myself. My partner is off work next week and we're just staying around here instead of traveling so I'm hoping that we can do some fun stuff together (which, despite living together we do not get to do often because working and renovating a house takes up a lot of time).

#comet comments #owlish #comet's anons #tw mental health #tw sh #just mentioned but still #tw suicidal thoughts

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saradotpsd · 9 months

Text

Girl shitpost

I tried a 5 minute guided meditation for the first time today, I do feel somewhat relaxed but I think I need to do more because.

I traveled recently and ever since I came back I've been wondering what the hell this heaviness I'm feeling is, where is that even from like I don't remember being this heavy and tired before traveling. I kept wondering why I can't adapt back into my regular life and schedule while everyone around me seems to do it so easily. I used to be able to do that within a few days, but this time it's been over two weeks and I'm still like this. Tired, exhausted, I don't want to do anything and even when I do, I can't seem to conjure up the power to do it. I barely go out on my regular errands and nothing else, and it takes a full day's power to get myself to walk out my door. I want to do nothing but be tucked into my room until this washes away. I'm depressed but I'm locked into this state even when I'm not.

I realized its because this trip gave me a sense of peace that I haven't experienced before, and now that I'm back, I can't cope with the stress of real life, of thinking about my career and chasing my next client and paycheck, of worrying about my health, of making sure I go out when my friends ask. It was a peaceful trip where I had to worry about nothing, not even myself. I didn't know this feeling of peace before I went so I didn't know that my entire life was aligned in such a disorder until I experienced what it was like for it to be ordered and peaceful. And now that I'm dropped into the stress of it all again, I can't cope. I cannot anymore bear the heaviness of the life I was putting my (already divergent mind) through. What should I do for my career, what is my next move to get the next client, what if I never get to design again, what if designing is all I ever get to do, what if I choose to never design again because it failed me, what if I change my career, what if I start writing, what if I start taking pictures, what if I become a traditional artist, what if I just apply for a regular 9-5 and stop freelancing, what if I never get paid again, what am I going to do about the fact that I've tried all of this and failed, what am I going to do about my health, when was the last time I got a blood test, what if my eye hurts again, what if there's something seriously wrong with my health and what if I'm oblivious about it just like the last 2 times, what if there's something wrong with me, what if my ocd eats me up eventually with all of it's what ifs, what if what if what if. I was tired but tired was my normal.

I realized that this was the source of my current heaviness. No wonder all I've been doing is dreaming about being rescued from my current lifestyle. If only this one thing saves me and I would no longer have to think about all of this, that's what I kept thinking, along with my escapism behaviors that I'm overly familiar with, but didn't need until very recently.

I've been on survival mode long enough to think that it was my normal state, to forget what survival is because it was my status quo.

I really don't have a single idea what I ought to do about all of this information I'm opening myself up to today, but I guess just realizing this for myself is a good first step.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading ❤

My Medium

#shitpost

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dzpenumbra · 11 months

Text

5/23/23

Today wasn't half bad. Low key, as usual. Got sucked into RP streams again.

I did a short but very intense yoga routine today... that I actually had to tap out of and take a breather. My shoulder kinda collapsed on me. I was supposed to do a side plank after a bunch of other plank-related stuff and it just... wouldn't hold. And that hasn't happened in a while. I'm not surprised, and I didn't really kick myself over it. It was just a bump in the road.

I've been getting more and more out of shape, and I don't feel like I can keep up with it. I'm frustrated about it because of how foreign it is to me. I've never had to deal with this, and... honestly, it's the fatigue that gets me. I have a lot of active exercise things I love to do. But I can't get myself to do them when I'm sleep deprived or depressed. And... that's a very chronic issue. So yeah, that's just something that haunts me and gets under my skin.

I'm gonna get to bed early tonight. Like... really soon. Just reminding myself to keep this short. I am tired, so I need to take advantage of that and use that momentum to inch my bedtime back. This 7AM shit just doesn't work. For some reason... 5AM and 7AM look the same for me as bedtimes. Like... both are way too late. By that, I mean the difference between 3AM and 5AM seems much bigger than 5AM and 7AM. Because once the sun comes up... it's just like... whatever. So... my goal is to be in bed and ready to sleep before 5. So... I'll keep this brief.

I added thin layers of Mod Podge to the yellow beads today. They look really good, actually. I think if I do thin layers, I don't have to sand them, really. Though... I'm not sure if it really evens out with how long I spend working on them. I'll see. But yeah, progress there. And I got myself to go out for a walk. I went out at like 8PM. It was well into sunset, I skipped the shower and everything. My primary goal was to get gravel for my mini garden thing I wanted to make in the terracotta pot I got. I got anxious about it again. Twice.

I got to the gravel road and there was a dude walking his dog and on his phone. So I went the other way and looped around, hoping to give him enough time to pass in a different location. But he did the most half-assed walk I've ever seen, it was like 50 feet down the road and back, on his phone the whole time. That poor dog. :( I actually ended up passing him, he started walking really slowly. And I felt really self-conscious with the idea of passing him, then taking off my backpack, pulling out a ziplock bag and shoveling gravel into it with my hands. Call me crazy, that made me a bit insecure. So I went to the parking lot at the top of the path and pulled my phone out and watched the stream I was listening to... and pretended I was scrolling something. And when he passed by, I went back to the path and filled the bag.

In the end, I wasn't really that anxious about it, and I got it done. What did make me anxious was later when I was walking back to my building... there was a person standing in a corner next to where the path goes under the bridge... and it was like... a cliche scene from a movie where someone would mug you. And I was wearing my glasses, so I couldn't see any fucking details of this person at all. So I speed-walked under that damn bridge. But besides that, I wasn't really anxious at all.

In fact, I was pretty damn confident today. I woke up to a message from my therapist who apologized profusely for the late message that he promised me. He was going to send me some custom crafted affirmations - mantras, if you prefer that terminology - to help combat my reflexive anxiety. Because it seems like a lot of it surrounds... a lack of confidence, an inferiority complex trained into me by people around me most of my life. I read a post from someone on here recently, a heavy confessional one, that sounded a lot like that too. So... if you're out there... and you get the whole... feeling like a fraud and you'll never be a "real adult" and all that nonsense... you're not alone. In fact, anyone that grew up being taught these things... you're not alone. There is not one definition of success. And I promise you... I am telling myself this as much as I'm telling this to you... if you follow someone else's definition of success, you will with almost absolute certainty end up miserable and disappointed. I'm really sorry, it's dark, it's heavy, it's disorienting, I know... but it's true. If I - as an artist, musician and poet - took self-help advice from a Navy SEAL? I mean... I'm not saying there aren't things that I could retrofit to be useful in my life, I'm not saying there's nothing to learn; only a Sith deals in absolutes. I'm saying... if I... as an artist/musician/poet... follow the step-by-step plan on how to be a happy, successful, "productive" adult crafted by a Navy SEAL... I would be miserable. Even if I succeeded. Because I would be building a life I don't even want. I would be laboring and slaving away to build someone else's life, crafted around someone else's goals, interests and desires.

What's my point with this? Get to know yourself. And learn to love yourself. Get past the "that's lame" reflexes there and try to understand that you get one fucking ride on this chunk of rock hurtling through space, and do everything you can to pursue the life that you desire. However you can. I wish society was crafted with more focus on that rather than... basically industrialized farming people and turning them into laborers... Ugh, politics aside... Step 1 - get to know yourself, what you love, what you want to do, what makes you happy. Step 2 - work towards being that person as much as possible. That's what I'm advocating.

My day started with engaging my brain in a form of focused meditation through a mantra. "It is safe for me to be my authentic self." And yeah, after years... a lifetime, really... of having my authentic self either hidden, emotionally beaten or shamed... It often does not feel safe being my authentic self. And that is the world's biggest understatement - I have had panic attacks that felt like I would be burned at the stake at a witch trial for being myself. But what I haven't really been able to convince my subconscious of lately... is that... the primary person in my life that is currently holding me back from being my authentic self... is me. Out of fear. Out of anxiety. Out of insecurity. Out of self-protection.

But today... I did much better with it. I still don't feel safe... in general. Which is a thing. But I felt a lot better just being... myself. My authentic self. My true self. The Me that I am behind closed doors, the Me that is... here. I felt more okay laughing at jokes in the stream in my earbuds as I walked in public, and not being worried about judgmental people I may pass by. And it felt... much more like home. It reminded me of times in the past when I was much more shameless (in a good way).

This is going on longer than planned, but I wanted to mention one more thing that was directly related. I watched a streamer that I really respect... that has been RPing for like... a decade? Who has streamed a ridiculous amount in her life... I watched her have an anxiety attack. A real anxiety attack. Live, on stream, in front of thousands of viewers. Because her character, who is a Captain in the PD, was going in for a final interview for Chief of Police. And she was legit having very real anxiety about it, audibly, and narrating it. And the support and empathy coming from chat (myself included) was so unbelievably heartwarming! And she nailed it! I didn't see the other interviews so I have no idea if she got the job, but she... she really deserves it. I am so fucking emotionally invested in this server, good lord! XD

So yeah, big theme of like... combatting and overcoming anxiety today. At very least, confronting. And what I gave to her as advice? Because she was talking about physical symptoms. I said "your body is just sensing something potentially unsafe, it's a biophysical reaction, you're gonna be okay." Something like that, I don't have the direct quote. I found it interesting that... that is what I decided to say. I don't know. I've been so deeply convinced in the power of narrative and will and choice, trying to dismantle and navigate the conscious thoughts, which is a crucial part of all of it... but like... this part of the nervous system is super reflexive. And it takes time and deliberate work to train your subconscious mind that things like this are safe. That you can handle it. And confidence helps a ton with that.

Alright, enough therapy talk. My plan is pretty much out the window, but I can still get to bed earlier than usual. Good day today, we'll see what tomorrow has in store. Have a good night!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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livingwithlosingyou · 2 years

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Living with Losing You - 8/12/2022

The tears continue.

Life continues.

People move on.

I’m right where you left me.

I am not sure what’s going on with me, but what I can say is that my tears are a lot more intense than they have been this entire time. When I cry I start to full on sob. I mean, I know it’s healthy to feel everything, but still. That initial shock is definitely gone and now the reality is setting in more and more that I need to become normal again. I do not even know how this looks. Who ever does, let alone me in this situation.

The fact that I go back to work on Monday has me very in my head. I thought I was excited, but I felt myself get into a panic today. I am not sure why I am worried, maybe just scared to be overwhelmed. Luckily my doctor is putting me on a reduced schedule, because I am still pretty fucked up. I don’t know how else to put that, so I figured bluntly would be best. And especially recently having ZERO control of my tears and being set off by little things that either typically make me super angry or depressed. Work should be interesting. I will see how well I can hold it together. I am usually pretty good, but my ability to maintain composure is lessening as time is going. You’d think it would be getting better, but it’s all overwhelming to process as I become less numb. You’re gone. You’re not even just gone, you’re dead. And you’re never coming back. Now I am expected to just dust off my boots and dive back into the world like my world wasn’t just completely shattered? Not possible, even for the strongest of people.

And look, I know that I need to. I will, one day. But, grief has no timeline or guidebook. I am really just trying to do what I can to get by. If you are reading this and can recommend a specialized trauma therapist, please send them my way. I really have a lot to work through.

This morning I went on a walk with my step mom (who is actually my mom, just had to add that) with her pups and Sadie. We has really great conversation. We talked about how the mental health systems in the U.S. are pathetic, and that they do not truly help patients get better. They’re so flawed. James, I am so sorry that the system failed you. We also talked about our relationship. I am trying to be open and talk through it all, because we really did endure a lot together. She said that she had thought that we would get married when her and my dad met you and saw how happy you made me. They knew you struggled, and also struggled to watch you and I go through what we did. It’s hard as parents on both sides to watch addiction and depression take over someone as beautiful as you were/are. I don’t hate a lot of things, but I hate alcohol. So much. We really need to stop glamorizing it as a society.

Afterward, I came home, cleaned up the apartment (it got a little out of hand, the depression has made me less motivated), and then got ready for practice. Practice was fun today, the guys did hill repeats. I actually got to coach more today on form, etc. I am excited for this season because we have some new athletes that really have never done a sport, or never ran. I think it’s so cool to see how people improve and grow over a season, and over their high school career.

Then I got home and walked Sadie again. The sunset was SO beautiful. I cannot get over how pretty it was. Then, all the clouds turned grey. I think that the sky is a good representation of how quickly my mood changes too (LOL). I ended up wearing one of your flannels on the walk because it was a little breezy outside. I almost said cold by that’s actually psychotic. I think since I have been in the sun so much recently / live in east country where it’s always ridiculously hot, anything below like 85 now is chilly (half kidding). When we got back home, Sadie went to lay at me feet as she normally does and so I knelt to pet her. She immediately started smelling your flannel. This was one that I had just grabbed from the closet when I went out there. I can tell she was sad, and it made me cry. Again.

I went back into the chair, back into the fetal position, held the flannel, and just cried. I just miss your existence. You were always enough. ALWAYS. Everyone in your life adored you for who you were, addiction and struggles aside. I hope you see that now, somehow. As I cried, I could see my whiteboard in the kitchen from the chair. I had written on there some motivation:

“You are meant to be here. You are meant for so much more”.

This reminded me that there was a whole life I had before you, and there is going to be a whole one after you too. It’s not the life that I thought it was going to be, but it will still be beautiful in its own way. God is good, always.

I ended up writing again tonight to try and get some of these painful thoughts released. My step mom and I even talked about that, how my lyrics are how you really know where I am at, and how I am feeling. It is my most authentic self. I cannot lie through my music.

Here is what I wrote this evening:

Is it sad? The only way that I can hear your voice, Is on old voicemails on my phone.

Is it bad? To cry all night, it’s not my choice, Cause ever since you left me alone.

I’m having chest pains, Let’s call it heartaches. My body, it just shakes, But I can’t shake this feeling. I’m tongue tied, in anguish, Wish I could change it. Somehow take your place, and, Stop you from taking, Your life. What’s yours was mine.

James Burton Nichols, I know you’re watching over us all. Rest in Peace <3

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

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teatalkstea · 2 years

Text

June 6th

Today I woke up before my alarm! Which was kinda nice because it was before 12pm and I had my alone time before my partner woke up! Which is something I’m leaning I need to value. When I was younger I thought spending all my time by myself was a curse. I felt lonely all the time because there was only me and my parental figure. There was no one my age to talk to when I was bored. So with my partner I got so used to being with them 24/7 (especially during Covid) that I forgot how quiet and nice it can be to be alone. The thing is my partner leaves throughout the day to have their space and pitter about doing whatever, but when I want to be alone sometimes it becomes a whole thing. Which really makes me upset because I also need my space, but I don’t have a place in our apartment that can truly be considered mine. My partner has an “office”, we obviously share a room, the living room/kitchen is too open, and obviously it is rude to lock myself in the bathroom! So to deal with this I think I’ll either walk or drive somewhere to get out of the house. Anyway when I woke up before my alarm I just kinda sat around and stuff but then I showered. Showering is a lot because I have to deal with my hair and my hair is a lot, but I did it!

So I recently went through a break up (also idk why the paragraphs are like this far apart but let’s roll with it) and they reallllly (oh ps I’m kinda poly? It depends on the day) fucked with me. When we first started “hanging out” they also had a crush on another girl which was like fine, but when we got into a relationship I think they continued to have a crush on the girl. They also said HORRIBLE things to me. Stuff like “I think I would be more sexual if you looked different,” yanno the vibe, but i don’t know why they dated me if they were going to say things like that. So as you would imagine that really fucked with my self worth, body image, self esteem, the whole enchilada. They broke up with me because “being with someone with a mental illness gave me a mental illness” y’all…the way my friends clowned on me for sobbing that I made my ex depressed because I’m depressed? Clearly they had their own thing going on and being in a relationship with another mentally ill person was not going well. But now that we are broken up their life is kinda falling apart? Like not because of anything I did, but because of other things happening in their life. But since we agreed to be friends (idk) I’ve been listening to them and they are still kinda using me? Like they manipulate me into feeling bad for them and so on and so forth, but also last night they were like “I never loved you.”

Now let’s start something new right here. If we read my intro we know I have an anxious attachment style. Overall telling your ex that you never loved them is shitty and kinda sucks, but telling your ex who you know has an anxious attachment style? YIKES. If I were a reader I would wonder “hey is this person in the wrong?” “Do they actually deserve this?” “we’re they a shitty partner?” The answer to all of those questions is NO! Well for one no one would be treated like how I allow others to treat me. But also I was the most attentive and sweet girlfriend you could ever ask for! Which was part of the problem! I let my ex (and probably current) partner walk all over me.

So now you know the whole situation with my ex. After the “I don’t think I ever loved you” fiasco I texted my bestie and my bestie who is also my current crush saying how hurt I feel. I feel so stupid for not being able to tell that someone is using me. I just wanted to be a good person, girlfriend, and friend, but I don’t set any boundaries. I let people push me so hard that I just accept anything. So my friends want me to completely stop talking to my ex. Which is smart, but even though they don’t love me, I love them. I feel so horrible that they are losing friends and potential lovers. I feel like if I am not a constant in their life something will happen. I know it isn’t fair to put that sort of pressure on myself and I know that I can handle being treated like shit if it means they will be okay. However, everyone thinks that is horrible and that I should respect myself and my boundaries. They’re right of course, but I’m so worried about my ex that I don’t want to stop talking to them.

#teatalkstea #rant post #advice

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ieatsurveys · 2 years

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52.

Do you like McDonald's sprite? Yes, I can't eat my meal without McDonald's Sprite. It's a weird quirk of mine.

What age did you start becoming more independent? I'm still not as independent as I had hoped to be. My car got totaled, so I rely on my parents for rides.

How do you like your oatmeal? I don't eat oatmeal.

Do you ever just dance around the house? On occasion.

List 5 things you need to do soon. 1. Get ready for interviews. 2. Do dishes. 3. Clean bathroom. 4. Apply to more jobs. 5. Take a shower.

What do you do when you start to feel sad? Lay in bed for the entirety of the day if I don't have anything to do.

Have you ever been to a metal concert? Nope.

Do you like metal? Some.

What's your favorite Christmas movie? A Muppet's Christmas Carol.

What about Halloween movie? Don't have one.

Do you like the taste of cilantro? I sure don't.

Have you ever busted a window accidentally? Nope.

Do you remember those Bratz dolls? What were your favorite dolls? I remember them, I never owned one.

What was the last thing to bum you out? Continued existence--> Yep.

Name a song that reminds you of summertime. Anything by hellogoodbye.

Do you enjoy apples? Crunchy ones, yes.

Have you ever made apple butter? Do you like it? I have never made any type of butter in my lifetime.

Do you own any pocket knives? I don't.

On a scale of 1-10...How happy are you and why? Today is sunny out, so my mood reflects it. Probably an 8.

Do you think diamonds are overrated? I don't really have an opinion on them.

How many languages can you greet somebody in? A few.

Do you have a favorite planet? No.

Do you know how to play the flute? No.

What do you enjoy putting in your smoothies? I don't drink smoothies.

What's a medication that has really helped you? Abilify.

Do you forgive easily? No.

Have you ever broken up with somebody? Yes.

What was the biggest phase you went through when you were younger? Emo/punk.

Is there something you've been hiding from someone? Uh, probably.

Do you believe in demons? Yes.

Have you ever seen a spider consume another spider? No. I didn't even know that happens.

What's your favorite fruit? Grapes.

Do you ever go clubbing? No. I went a couple of times. The first time I liked it, but the second time, I hated it.

Have you ever been to a church camp? Yes.

Have you ever accidentally swallowed something you shouldn't have? Probably.

Last book you remember enjoying? Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

When was the last time you got scared? I don't remember.

Have you ever seen a boy band live? Yes.

When was the last time you drank water? About an hour ago.

Have you ever been dehydrated? Sure have.

Have you ever shot a gun? A paintball gun.

Do you use Facebook? Too much.

Would you say you're well educated on religious topics? Not so much.

What's the longest you have walked at once? I don't remember.

Do you ever take those Buzzfeed quizzes? Not at all. I used to, though.

How long was your last phone call? Less than a minute.

Are there a box of tissues on your bedside table? Nope.

Have you cut your hair recently? No, but I am in serious need of a haircut. But, #depression.

Do you like skittles? I do. The regular kind.

What is your favorite kind of cheeto? (spicy, regular, puffs.. etc.) Regular.

Do you have a skin care routine? I could be better.

Do you know how to write in cursive? Yep.

What's the closest thing to you that is pink? My notebook.

Have you ever watched a black and white film? Yes.

Did you use to read Dr. Seuss books as a kid? My favorite kids author of all time.

What's the longest you've had to wait in line for something? I don't even remember, maybe an hour or two.

What's the sickest you've ever been? When I had food poisoning.

If you had to be named after an inanimate object, what would you choose? I don't know. I've never given much thought to that.

What is one food you would not like to give up? Tacos or pizza. It's a toss up.

Would you ever donate a kidney to a stranger if applicable? Yes.

How many scars do you have? I used to be a cutter and was shocked that the scars faded away. I haven't cut in 3 years.

Do you have any unusual things wrong with your body? (I have different length arms and hands for example) Nope, just fat ;) haha. What did you last have to eat? Egg sandwich.

When was the last time you visited a carnival? Not since high school. I miss them.

Do you own a pair of those socks with toes? Absolutely not.

What age did you stop trick or treating? I never went.

What's the best flavor of popsicle? That's a tough one.

Are you caught up on laundry? I just did a load. Just need to fold and put it away.

Does your car tend to get super messy like mine? I no longer have a car :( Gah, I miss it so much.

What search engine do you use? Google.

Have you ever had a flat tire? Nope.

Do you know what ginseng looks like? No.

When is the next time you have to go grocery shopping? Next week.

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emile-hides · 3 years

Photo

I’d like to start doing backgrounds at some point.

#Emile's Arts #TW blood #Implied violence #Vent art #Had a bad day today #Just a really really bad one I was sick and depressed so I couldn't even read my comfort fics for the sick part #I'm still not better but I should be by tomorrow. Hopefully.#Shove all those feelings deep deep down and away from tomorrow #Anyway I ended up going for a walk up to the bridge by my house #In my... Very much a sus teen fasion I've been wearing recently #idk where I'm going with this #I went on a depression walk and stared at the railroad tracks for an entirely healthy amount of time #And then a car circled the block and passed me like 3 times so I figured it was time to dip #Love that bridge. Makes me feel worse every time.#Wish I could scream.

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missmonsters2 · 3 years

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today I feel awful... idk my insecurities are taking over me and I just want to curl into a ball and cry. maybe it's my hormones maybe the fact that I weighted myself and found out I gained weight (I can't fit into my jeans 😭) and the fact that I saw my sister in a tight skin dress looking perfect while I'm in my pj's just destroyed my confidence. I need something angsty to read to make me forget about my sad, miserable lffe right now. would you be down in writing sth angsty with nat maybe? you don't have to though. it's fine either way. I really appreciate all of your work and I keep reading on repeat whenever I'm feeling down. makes me cheer up. thank you, van ❤️

It's like we're the same person because I also went to visit my sister recently and my sister has gotten her life together and is living her best hot girl bod while I...let's not go there.

I just want you to know that you're hot as fuck and a body is just a body that we can change with time and effort. We're lit rally in this together. This time next year, we will be rocking the body that makes up happy and we'll be healthy!!! 💘💘

But I will still give you nat angst...but with a happy ending bc I said you deserve a HEA!!

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The Withers of Springtime Bloom

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Summary: Spring is a time of blooming and when things come back to life. You can't help but notice things that may be causing your relationship with Natasha to wither.

Warnings: self-esteem issues, insecurities about body, relationship with working out and food, seasonal depression. angst with HEA.

Count: 2.1k~

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You're not sure when things changed.

Things change so slowly after all.

Without you noticing, things change and change and change until one day, you do notice.

You notice that Natasha has become quieter, somber.

You notice the lack of date nights and affectionate touches.

You notice that you've let yourself go a little.

You're standing in front of the mirror, staring at your body with a frown. You've gained weight since dating Natasha, but relationship weight gain was normal, wasn't it?

But you remember how Natasha was just as fit as she was before she met you. Sure, she was a superhero, and you were a regular civilian; there was no reason for you to train long hours as Natasha did.

Still...

You turn to the side and peer at yourself in the mirror again.

You can't help but wonder...were you becoming less attractive to her?

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It had been the beginning of fall when you met Natasha. You loved the season of change and when things turned into warm colors before withering away for winter to come.

Natasha had come like a blessing, and in the winter, she was just warm as the colors of fall. Instead of withering away, she bloomed and invested that warmth in your relationship with her.

Despite always being an early riser to work out, weekends were the days she stayed in bed with you just a little longer. There had been so many breakfasts, lunch, and dinner dates. You found yourself moving things around or neglecting to work around her busy schedule.

Perhaps that was when things began to change. Eating out so often and forgoing working out to spend time with Natasha was what led to this.

Spring has arrived, and things are coming back to life. Yet somehow, your relationship with Natasha was withering away.

"Hey," you greet her as you come home, shopping bags in hand. You bought some more clothes when things felt like they didn't fit comfortably anymore. The experience had been upsetting for you, and you didn't end up buying too much, telling yourself you didn't want to spend too much when you were going to lose the weight.

Natasha was working in her office, peering down over reports, and barely acknowledged you other than with a hum.

"Long day?" You ask her as you put your things away and walk over to her.

"Yeah," Natasha sighed. "Trying to get these reports done since Maria needs them tomorrow."

That had been Natasha's excuse for spending long hours in her office every night for the last two weeks.

You place your hand on Natasha's shoulder with a reassuring squeeze, but she leans to the side as if to readjust herself, but still away from your touch.

The sting immediately comes, but you try to push it down, so it doesn't hurt as bad.

"Right," you say hoarsely, but Natasha stares on at the reports. "I'm just going to get ready for bed. It's been a long day and all. Let me know if you need anything."

Natasha gives you a nod as you leave the room. You feel awkward as you lie in the bed you share with her. You wonder if you're taking up too much space.

There's a pang of something as you try to curl yourself to be smaller and only distantly realizing you've skipped dinner before you fall asleep.

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You fall back onto the mat, chest heaving and your lungs burning.

It's been a while since you've worked out, and now you're definitely paying for it with how unfit you are.

The gym is moderately empty with the hour it is. You hate going to a public gym because it always feels like someone is staring, but it's better for strangers to stare than working out at the Compound for people you know to stare at you.

The rational part of you knows that you should just talk to Natasha, but the emotional side of you whispers that you won't like what Natasha has to say, that she might even end it before you've had a chance to change yourself.

When weeks pass, and you weigh yourself again, you almost start crying because you've only lost a couple of pounds.

It's normal, you know it is. You're losing weight at a normal rate, but it's not enough. You know fast weight loss wouldn't make sense for your body but you also feel you don't have half a year to go back to your normal weight.

You sit on the bathroom floor for hours, debating what to do when you hear a quiet knock.

"Sweetheart, are you in there?" Natasha's muffled voice comes through.

You wipe at your eyes furiously as you stand up.

"Y-Yeah," you answer back. "I'm just in the tub soaking."

There's a moment of silence through the door before Natasha answers back, "Alright. Enjoy yourself. Did you want me to order anything specific for dinner?"

"No, it's okay," you tell her. "You order anything you want. I already ate on my way home." You think about the chicken salad you've been eating for the past two weeks and almost sigh.

Natasha answered that she just came back to see if you've eaten, but she actually had to head back to the Compound. You were Natasha shuffling around before leaving through the front door, and you let out the breath you were holding.

You actually take a long, hot shower before putting on sweats and a big hoodie.

The truth was, you were hungry. The chicken salad was okay on the way home, but it had been a couple of hours since.

You knew starving yourself wasn't the answer, so you went into the kitchen to see if you could find something healthy to hold you over until you could go to bed.

But you can't find anything in the fridge except for Natasha's leftovers from whatever she ordered the day before. You can't find anything except frozen pizzas and microwavable foods.

You check the calories on the back and let out a frustrated sigh. Checking your watch, you realize it's too late in the evening to go grocery shopping because, by the time you get there, stores will have closed.

You slump down on the floor, leaning against the cabinets as you let out a pathetic whimper while your eyes became hot with tears.

You miss Natasha. You want Natasha holding you and telling you it would be okay. But you couldn't have that until you were back to what you were when you met her.

The front door suddenly opens.

"Have you seen my—sweetheart?" Natasha started to call before she noticed you sitting on the floor. "What's wrong?"

You use your sleeve to wipe at your eyes as you sit up straight.

"Nothing," you sniffle before you start to stand. "I just stubbed my toe against the edge of the kitchen island. What were you looking for? USB? You left it next to the bedside."

Natasha stares at your back, hair still wet as she takes in your attire.

"It's a little hot to be wearing a hoodie and sweats, isn't it?" Natasha asks softly. "Doesn't seem like you turned on the aircon in here."

You keep walking, but Natasha starts to follow you.

"'m cold," you say quietly so she can't hear the tremble in your voice.

"Are you feeling sick?" Natasha asks with concern as you sit down on the couch, turning on the TV. You pull the blanket over you as if to make your point.

"No," you tell her because you don't want her to worry. "Just cold after a bath."

Natasha sets her things down before she takes a seat next to you. Even in the low lighting, she can see your eyes rimmed red and dampness of them.

You're refusing to look at her as you have your knees drawn up to your chest and stare stubbornly at the TV screen.

Then she hears it.

Your stomach grumbles.

"Are you hungry, sweetheart?" Natasha asks softly again. "We can just order food and stay in tonight."

Your cheeks grow hot. "Don't you have to be at the Compound?"

You don't mean to snap at her, but you can't help but feel embarrassed.

Natasha remains quiet for a moment, quickly thinking over the last few weeks before she feels guilt trickle in.

She doesn't remember the last time she ate with you—doesn't remember the last time she saw you eat.

"Sweetheart," she calls you gently again, and you bristle at the tone. "Is there something wrong?"

The fragile dam you've built to keep the weeks of compiling emotions at bay breaks, and you're hurtling down the stream over the waterfall.

"Are you not in love with me anymore?" You choke out as you begin to cry.

You can't even register to feel horrified at your breakdown because you just need to know.

"I know...I know my body has changed since we first met and I've gained weight but I really am trying to lose it. I just—I feel like you're avoiding me. At first, I thought things at work have been really stressful for you, and I wanted to give you space but you're gone all the time. You're gone even when you're here."

Natasha can barely understand anything you've said after hearing you say the first part. Her breath hitches painfully in the back of her throat, and she legitimately feels appalled at herself.

She starts to say something, but you keep going.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to make this about me because if you're going through something then I want to support and be there for you. But I can't help but feel like you're grossed out by me. I mean—I feel grossed out when I look at myself. I feel like I'm taking up so much space—"

Natasha cuts you off abruptly, pulling off the blanket as she pulls at you until you're in her lap.

"Nat—"

"You're not gross and this is not about the weight you have or have not gained. You hear me?" Natasha says forcefully as she holds you close to her, hand over your thigh to keep you against her.

"God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I've been making you feel like you're not attractive me," Natasha's eyes well up as your tears wet her shoulder. "You're literally still the most gorgeous person I've ever met and you're always going to be that to me."

Natasha's hand at your waist dips underneath your hoodie, her fingers trailing up your back as she sighs at your warmth. "I should've told you, but the springtime is just really hard for me. It's odd because it's a time for things to come back to life but some of the worst things have happened to me during the spring and things blooming makes me think about things that aren't coming back. I think it's also just a little bit of seasonal depression too. I'm just the rare percentage that gets it in the spring."

The explanation makes your body sag with relief because while you feel so horrible that there is a reason Natasha doesn't like spring, she's not falling out of love with you.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I was hurting you," Natasha apologizes again. "I didn't mean to be so distant but I didn't want to bring your mood down as well, which is why I've been working so much to keep busy."

"It's okay," you muttered as your turn your head, forehead pressed against her neck. "I'm sorry spring is depressing for you."

Natasha merely hushes you as she kisses the side of your head.

You begin to feel awkward, thinking about how you must be heavy on her and try to move, but Natasha doesn't let you.

"Sweetheart, I don't know how to convince you that you're perfect to me," Natasha says so seriously as she forces you to look at her. "If you want to lose weight because that is what you want, then I support you. But I need you to understand that I love you no matter what. I don't care either way because you're so fucking lovely to me always. Do you understand?"

Timidly, you reply, "Okay. Thank you."

Natasha presses her lips against yours in a long kiss before she pulls back.

"Now, I'm going to ask again. Are you hungry? We can order in and watch that new show on Netflix I heard was pretty good from Wanda."

You feel lighter. You think you might still want to work out because that would make you happy, but you don't feel the rush like you did just a couple of hours ago.

"Yeah," you say shyly. "But maybe something not so heavy?"

Natasha nods as she presses another kiss into your cheek as she helps you settle onto the couch right beside her to grab her phone.

"Anything to make you bloom."

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff x y/n #natasha romanoff angst #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha romanoff oneshot #black widow x reader #black widow x you #black widow imagine #avengers imagine #avengers x reader #mm: my fics #g.angst #g.fluff

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lostdreamr-blog1 · 2 years

Text

Typical

Summary: Y/N has some time off from hunting when reality hits her hard. Dean steps in and helps the best he can.

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Female!reader

Warnings: Language, implied depression, mentions of injury, fluff.

Word Count: 1,788

A/N: Sorry I have been MIA. Life seemed to get a bit hard and I haven’t been myself. Thought I would try writing away some of my feelings and it became this. Will be getting back to the Letter From Hell series soon! Thank you all for reading. Means the world to me!

Typical. Typical would be the word I would use to describe today. Recently it seems as though the entire world has plotted against me with no sign of mercy in sight. I had been on the road with the Winchester brothers for a while doing hunt after hunt until I got hurt last week. The pack of werewolves had a bit more in numbers than we had anticipated, but we managed, and I was the only one to walk away with visible damage. Their claws seemed to cut through skin like butter and I had a pretty nasty slash across my jaw line from my right ear down to the corner of my mouth. Stitches were needed towards the middle of it, but I got lucky to not sport a whole mess of them. Me getting a bit banged up caused the oldest Winchester to make the decision to stop for a bit and regroup. I guess regularly hunting on a few hours of sleep wasn’t our best idea. This led me to going home while the boys went to Bobby’s house a few miles down the road from my dad’s house. My parents both used to hunt while I was growing up. Bobby seemed to be the designated babysitter, which led me to meeting the Winchester family. I basically grew up with Sam and Dean while our parents hunted things that should have caused me nightmares. And it was like that for years until my mom was killed by a werewolf a few years back. Since then, my dad hung up the hunting knife and decided to live the safer life. I knew he had disapproved my choice of occupation, but he couldn’t blame me since I never really got the education a kid should. He knew I was a good hunter and running with the Winchester’s seemed to keep the disapproval at a minimum.

With this short time off we gave ourselves, I found myself with a date tonight and could not be more excited for it. It was times like these where the apple pie life seemed to scream my name. That this small sliver of normalcy could solve all my problems and life could be everything I wanted it to be. Don’t get me wrong, I live a decent life, but I wouldn’t say every box was checked. It was getting to a point where I needed to be wanted by someone. To have that person who looked at you like you were their entire world. Sam and Dean were my best friends and would have my back through thick and thin. But it wasn’t the same. The one night stands I have in different towns across the country wasn’t the same. So, tonight was going to give me a glimpse of what I could have if I put hunting behind me for a while. Or it was supposed to.

My dad had been out of town when I got home, and I wanted to surprise him when he got back. It had been months since I’ve seen him last, and I figured he would be happy to have his little girl back under his roof for a bit. This was the beginning of my breaking point. My dad was surprised to see me, but the happiness in his eyes lasted maybe two seconds after he saw the cut on my face. He knew exactly what caused it, after seeing first-hand what their claws can do, and lost it. It was either give up hunting or give up my family. An ultimatum I would never be able to choose from and he knew it. He knew he was all I had left for family, but he also knew hunting was all I have known since the day I could hold a gun. When I didn’t answer him right away, he threw me out. Simple as that. I did what any smart person would do in this situation and pushed my problems away like they weren’t even there and headed to the restaurant to meet my date. I was a bit early and ordered a drink while I waited for him to show. And waited. And waited. I don’t know if it was the pity stares I received from the staff or the simple fact my date stood me up, but I was pissed.

It didn’t take me long from that moment to find myself at a bar, downing shot after shot until the world around me became nothing but a blur of noises and colors. I could blame it on the amount of alcohol I had or me trying my hardest to drown out the world, but I didn’t hear anyone come up to me until a hand was placed on my shoulder. “Sweetheart, let’s go home.” I stared up at the green-eyed hunter and should’ve registered the concern on his face, but I was too caught up on the word “home”. Home was a place I didn’t have any more. Hunting just took one more thing away from me in the blink of an eye. Dean seemed to know I was about to snap and led me out of the bar with a tight grip around my waist. He tried to walk me towards his impala, but the feeling of a raindrop hitting my face stopped me in my tracks. I looked up towards the sky and felt the pace of them quicken and before I knew it, the sky opened up. “Y/N, we need to get you inside before you get sick.” I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help and laugh at what was happening. Dean probably thought I was losing it, but after everything that happened today, rain seemed to be the icing on the cake. I felt him reach for my hand, but I pulled it from his grasp. “No.” He froze and stared at me, knowing my breaking point was coming. He dropped his arm and waiting for me to get whatever I needed to off my chest, not caring that the two of us were now soaked to the bone. “I have no home, Dean. I have nothing left. No one wants me and I’m starting to feel like life is the same. That everything would be so much easier if I just gave up. What do I even have left to live for? My mom is dead, my dad threw me out, and this life has ruined so many things for me. No one is going to want a girl whose body is riddled with scars! I am damaged goods, Dean. And it’s starting to seem like everyone I’m around feels the same. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep feeling like this.” Tears mixed with the rain making it hard for anyone to know I was crying, but Dean knew me too well. Dean knew that today confirmed so many of my greatest fears. He took a few slow steps towards me, making sure I wasn’t going to back away from him. I let him get close, needing some sort of human contact to keep me from falling apart completely. His hand cupped my cheek making me look at him as he said, “You have no idea how much you are wanted. You are family to Sam and me, Bobby too. Blood doesn’t get to decide who is family. You do. Yeah the stuff with your dad is crappy, but you know you always have a home with me. I can’t a life where you aren’t in it, sweetheart. If that means living that apple pie life, then I am all for it. I will do anything to make you happy. Just name it and it’s done.” Of all the things to break me down today, Dean’s words managed to do it. My body seemed like it was shutting down and I fell into his arms, his grip around me tightening to keep me from hitting the muddy ground. He scooped me up and carried me to the impala, gently placing me on the passenger side. It didn’t take him long to get in as well and start driving us to I assumed Bobby’s house.

The first few minutes were filled with silence and the lull of Baby against the uneven road. A shiver went through me, and I sobered up quickly when I realized we were both dripping with water sitting inside Dean’s precious car all because I was too pissed off at the rain. “I’m sorry.” My whisper seemed to echo in the quietness of the car. He glanced over to me, debating on how he wanted to answer that. I couldn’t blame him. I was the most unstable he has ever seen me in our long years of knowing each other. “Nothing to be sorry about. You had a shit day and stuff like this is allowed.” I looked down at my hands, “I know how you are about Baby. I didn’t mean to get her dirty.” He let out a full-on laugh at my admission, confusing me as to what I said that was funny. “Sweetheart, you were kicked out, stood up, and got drunk alone at a bar only to get rained on and you are worried about my car? God, this is why I love you.” Time seemed to stop as I took in his words. Almost like my mind didn’t want to process the meaning behind it. He seemed to catch what he said as well, and I heard the almost inaudible “shit” come out of his mouth. I turned my body to look at him and saw how nervous he was acting. The famous Dean Winchester was nervous and that spoke volumes. “You’re meaning to tell me that after all this time we have been hunting together, you love me? Or the fact that you let me go on that stupid date tonight when you knew damn well that you loved me? Are you kidding me right now? This whole night could’ve been prevented if you grew some damn balls and actually told me how you feel instead of leading me to believe I was going to die alone. Typical.” I crossed my arms and turned back to the window. It took him a few minutes before he was able to form a sentence. “When you say ‘prevented’ you mean…?” He trailed off and I rolled my eyes at him. “Yes, Dean. Feelings are reciprocated. But I’m too pissed off at you right now to act on that.” I didn’t miss the smile that slowly spread across his face or the way he seemed to relax some. “I take back what I said about Baby.”

#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester #dean x reader #supernatural #spn edit #dean x you #deanwinchtser #spn #one shot

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finelinevogue · 3 years

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I love your “little moments” series… I have a weak spot for dad!Harry💕 and I love the relationship between the family’s members 🤗 and I really hope u will continue to update it! And for this series I would like to request Harry doing the 73 questions interview for Vogue and his kids and wife make an appearance (u can choose if the kids are toddlers or teens) and they even answer some questions OR an Howard Stern interview where Harry is asked about his family,maybe the host makes like not so nice-low key shady comments on his wife and on Harry’s daughter coming out story. Ok I’ m done, so sorry ik it’s so long 😅 it’s just I love your series sooo muchhh 🥰🥰 ok I’m done love u have a good day 😘

i’d love to answer this one!! thank you so much for loving my little series💕this one’s for you and for the other request i got which i’m combing with this: “Harry is doing a interview on facetime when his kid crashes the interview.” so pls enjoy and yeah enjoy;

oli - 6, felix - 4, belle - 1

The day had finally arrived for Harry Styles to complete the 73 Questions with Vogue.

It had come to be the promo for ‘Don’t Worry Darling’ and his schedule was booked with interview after interview after interview, and it wasn’t ideal for this to all be happening months whilst also having to look after three meddling toddlers, one of whom had only recently turned 1 years old.

The house was chaos. Fun, but chaos. And it was also the setting of this interview.

“Alright you lot, this way.” You shoved your children along to your living room, giving Harry the space he needed with Joe Sabia - the interviewer.

“Thank you love, see you later.” He blew a kiss to you and returned his focus to Joe. This interview was the first of many and it was also a major marketing ploy. These types of interviews were so highly recommended for Harry to be involved in and Jeff had thought it was about time for him to do one.

Joe had arrived around 15 minutes ago, just to

run over the script and remind Harry of the pre-determined questions - which reminded him of the answers that you’d run through with him the night before. Now the cameras were set up, the mic people were all at stand-by and Joe was ready it was time to begin. The children had been so fascinated by all these new people, after not seeing anyone for months due to the coronavirus pandemic, which is why it took a lot of trouble to get them to shuffle away from their beloved dad.

A fake door knock arose.

“Harry Styles hello!”

“Hi!” Harry waved at the camera.

“I’m here to do the Vogue 73 Questions, shall we get to it?”

“Of course! Come in!” Harry welcomed Joe into the house and shut the door behind him, not trusting his little ones to not escape if they were running wild.

“Beautiful house! Is it your only one?”

“No, but it’s my only one in London.” Harry made a point of not exploiting how many houses he did have and where they were. In fact, you still didn’t know about the Island that he was currently investing in just for you. You were a huge conservation activist and so Harry thought you could spend your free time helping the fragile ecosystem on this island.

“Did you design it yourself?”

“Me and my wife built the plans, but we go the experts to finish it all off.”

“What’s your favourite room?”

“Um, probably the living room.”

“Why?”

“So many of my favourite memories have happened in there.”

“Could you give us some?”

Harry could give loads, but they were far too precious for him to just give away. The living room wasn’t even a massive room, it was quite quaint with a couple of sofas, a logwood fire and then rugs and paintings on the walls. It was a home within a home. It was where Felix had taken his first steps. It was where Oli had spoken his first words. It was where Belle had fallen over for the first time and given herself nasty carpet burn. It was where presents were opened at Christmas. It was where you and Harry had made love next to the fire. It was where Felix and Oli had had their first tiny argument. It was where you spent family nights. If your house was a map then that room marked X the spot.

It was treasure. Priceless.

“My favourite would probably be when my wife, Y/N, spilt red wine all over the new white carpet and then proceeded to throw white wine over the stain because she’d read somewhere that it helps to get rid of it.” Harry chuckled at the memory.

“Did it?”

“No, God no. The carpet’s grey now.”

Joe laughed, as did Harry.

“I have to say Harry, you’re looking very fashionable today who are you wearing?”

“Gucci.” He blushed, because he knew that everyone would’e known that without question. He was wearing a lilac silk shirt with his name embroidered on it - but really it was to symbolise your last name not his - with a white wife-beater shirt and white shorts. He looked rich.

“Shouldn’t have asked really? Is your wife as much a Gucci avid fan?”

“She hates anything expensive. I think she still wears the same jeans she was wearing at university!” He knew you’d hit him later for saying that.

“So she’s a hoarder?”

“God yeah. She keeps everything and anything.” Harry laughed in admiration.

“Has she always been?”

“Always. When we went on our first date, her bag was so full that she couldn’t find her purse and she was so embarrassed because she thought I would think she was taking advantage of who I was. Anyways I did end up paying that night, but she had actually, I don’t know how, sent me money for her portion of the bill. From that moment I knew it was going to be her.”

“Do you write songs about her?

“Every day.” He smiled at the thought of the one he’d written just this morning.

“Which one is your favourite about her?”

“I don’t know about favourite, but the one I hold closest to my heart is probably ‘Fine Line’.” Harry stopped there, not wanting to share the intimate details of why and Joe respected that.

“Do your children have a favourite song of yours?”

“They go crazy for Kiwi and Golden. Belle loves Treat People and Oli knows the dance to that one actually.”

“Did you choreograph the dance for TPWK?”

“Partially, but I had help from my friend Paul and Y/N helped too actually.”

Harry and Joe had now made it through the house, weaving in and out of rooms, until they had made it to the Garden. Unfortunately, you’d forgotten to shut the bifold doors to the living room and so as soon as Harry came into focus for your children they immediately ran for him. Oli and Felix could run quite well, but Belle was a lot slower. She was only learning how to walk and so she fell a lot, unless she was being supported by you or Harry. Oli reached his dad first and then Felix, to which Harry knelt down to embrace them in ‘super-dad’ hugs as he liked to call them.

“And who do we have here?” Joe asked.

“Trouble.” Harry replied in jest, but whispered something into his boys ears before backing away.

“Hello i’m Oli.” Oli waved proudly to the camera.

“Hi i’m Fix.” Feliz shied into his dads neck, embarrassed of himself. Harry kissed the back of his head and kept a hold oh him around his back for comfort.

“Fix?” Joe asked at the peculiar name.

“It’s Felix, but he can’t pronounce his own name for some reason so we just call him Fix now. Or Flix. Don’t we buddy?”

“Oh my! I’m so sorry about this!” You ran out in panic, knowing your one job was to keep the kids entertained and away from their dad. At least that was the original plan, but both Harry and Joe like this idea so much more. You were blushing red in embarrassment, picking up a fallen over Belle on your way over to everyone else. “So sorry.”

Belle became restless in your arms, reaching forward for her dad. She whined when she couldn’t quite reach and Harry immediately stood up to take his winging daughter from your arms. As he did, he leant into you and whispered in your ear whilst leaving it a warm kiss behind.

“You’re okay love. Don’t be sorry.”

“Hello Y/N!” Joe spoke.

“Hiya! How are you?”

“I’m great, and you?”

“Peachy.” You laughed, leaning down to collect Felix who was making grabby hands at you. Oli was quite happy standing next to both his parents, one of Harrys hands running through his tiny locks of hair.

“So now we have the family together, how do you feel to all be together?”

You looked to Harry smiled to find him smiling back already at you, knowing you both had a very similar answer. “It feels right. It feels like home.” You answered and Harry nodded in agreement, giving Belle a gentle rock in his arms.

“Are you okay with showing your children’s faces publicly?”

“No we’re not.”

“Looks like we have a hell of a lot of editing to do back at HQ.” Joe laughed, but completely understood the reasoning behind yours two decision. If needed, you could re-film scenes of this interview so that it didn’t include your children. Joe had done his best to keep the camera on you and Harry and luckily the children kept their faces buried in their parents necks anyways. “Is that going to be forever?”

“When they are old enough to decide whether they want to be in the spotlight then we’ll see.” Harry smiled, holding onto Belle tighter because all he wanted to do was keep her protected, and his, forever.

“You two seem like very good parents.” Joe spoke sincerely, and it made you swallow down a sob because it was always really lovely to hear such compliments - knowing you’d struggled with postnatal depression.

“Thank you Joe.” Harry nodded respectfully.

“Okay let’s carry on?”

The interview carried on until Harry had answered so many questions. He redid bits, due the children being too involved and he re-filmed answers to questions he found difficult to answer the first time around. He had such a great experience and was happy with the way that the day turned out.

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