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xiaomomowrites · 3 years

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act IV

Genshin Impact | TartaLi/ZhongChi

Summary: It was the way Zhongli’s warm amber eyes suddenly were not as warm anymore. The way he looked at him with a piercing look, void of remorse, as he handed his gnosis over willingly to go on a whole tangent about how his “duties were done”. It was the way he turned and treated the precious traveler with the same amount of kindness and gentleness the Childe had received the previous night, with such ease; it was a look he thought was reserved only for him. It was the way he was able to turn back around, stare at Childe with an unreadable gaze, and walk away without so much of a goodbye.

Or, Zhongli and Childe finally have the conversation that was long overdue.

A/N: I’ve been playing genshin for roughly four or five months now, I can’t remember exactly when I started, but boy do I love it. No you don’t understand, I’m obsessed. But these two have been taking up room in my big brain, so I wanted to write for them. It’s been awhile since I wrote for pleasure so hopefully this is satisfactory :,) and tomorrow, I’m back to school, so I thought I’d enjoy my last day of freedom and post this today. Fun fact, I’m minoring in professional writing, so I’m hoping that it’ll improve my writing skills when I write for luxury, too. Anyway, this was a really fun piece for me to write and I hope you share the sentiment.

Also thank you guys for being so patient with our inactivity and just being such a chill audience to write for. Other social media platforms have become so...demanding haha. I appreciate y’all! Feel free to message us or talk to us about whatever :) -u.n.

Find this on AO3!

Spoiler alert: this fic does contain spoilers for the A New Star Approaches arc, so read at your own risk.

—

In Childe’s line of work, he is no stranger to betrayal.

Working as a Fatui Harbinger meant an unhealthy amount of fighting, betraying one person, deceiving another, and then on occasion, getting betrayed himself. It was all in a days’ work. Childe knew he would just have to roll out his neck and move on. He’s done it before, he can do it again. He would think that, after nineteen years of this grueling rinse and repeat, that he’d be able to tolerate a lot in the field. In fact, working with that wretched colleague of his, Scaramouche, and serving the Tsaritsa with a loyalty unmatched explicitly calls for the patience and tolerance of a saint.

Alas, Childe is the furthest thing from a saint. And still, Zhongli’s betrayal stung the most out of anyone else’s, the reason still unbeknownst to him. He tells himself that it’s because he had actually befriended the other man. That, unlike his other missions, he developed more of a friendship with Zhongli than he has with anyone else in the past. Not to mention how he really thought he’d find the gnosis, in all its golden glory, seated deep within the Exuvia, and not within his friend.

Which is why after he watches Zhongli hand over his precious gnosis to Signora of all people, Childe makes haste to return to the inn he had been staying at to furiously pack his things and leave first thing in the morning. Seeing Signora in Liyue so close to Zhongli had triggered a deep seated feeling of possessiveness over him and the city. Liyue was his territory, as far as he was concerned. It was assigned to him by the Tsaritsa and no one else. And yet, despite his unspoken possession over Liyue, its people turned against him and viewed him as the enemy. As if Childe didn’t already know that. As if he hadn’t already grown up with a layered villain complex, subconsciously looking for a fool with a hero complex to match him. Then entered Zhongli, making himself at home in Childe’s life, and he was immediately enamouring the Harbinger.

Screw Liyue.

Screw all their traditions, the stupid glaze lilies, the delicious cuisine, the obvious livelihood that fills the streets in stark contrast to his own icy hometown, screw all those goddamn unnecessary mountains, that fish market with that abhorrent smell he gradually got used to, and screw Rex Lapis. Screw Zhongli, that handsome bastard, for stringing him along like his plaything the entire time.

Childe knows, he gets it, that Zhongli simply did what he had to do because it was best for his people. And what other way for the oldest of the seven to go, if not for a grand finale? And yes, Childe admits, luring out Osial was a stupid move, but it certainly served its purpose for testing the strength of Liyue and its defenders.

Zhongli and Signora knew he would do something stupid and reckless as soon as he caught wind of the Exuvia serving as a decoy. They knew, and they played the game so well, that Childe really thought he was the mastermind puppeteering the whole show.

What a fool he was made out to be.

Childe aggressively shoves blazer after blazer into his travel duffel, angry, pathetic tears pooling at the corners of his eyes without his consent. He sniffs angrily and swipes at his cheek as soon as the first tear falls.

Fuck this, he’s not crying over a god, he still has some dignity.

But still. Pride aside, it hurt. And it wasn’t even necessarily the deceit that hurt the most. He’s dealt with that previously. It was… more personal. More of an internal struggle than an external issue. Childe truly hates those the most. At least he can shove his fist through any external problem, but he can’t exactly do the same with his feelings, or whatever they’re called.

It was the way Zhongli’s warm amber eyes suddenly were not as warm anymore. The way he looked at him with a piercing look, void of remorse, as he handed his gnosis over willingly to go on a whole spiel about how his “duties were done”. It was the way he turned and treated the precious traveler with the same amount of kindness and gentleness the Childe had received the previous night, with such ease; it was a look he thought was reserved only for him. It was the way he was able to turn back around, stare at Childe with an unreadable gaze, and walk away without so much of a goodbye.

The same eyes that gazed at him with such affection and kindness were suddenly replaced with the eyes of a soldier. And it was only then that Childe fully realized the force he was reckoning with. Zhongli was a withered god who lived too long for his own good. A powerful deity that held the ability to shake the ground with a look; he who had been humbled by time and his sharp edges eroded by the millions of faces that passed him. Simply put, Childe was just another one of those faces. And again, he understood. If he lived for six thousand years, he wouldn’t want to be alive after the first hundred.

It was the duality that dug the blade deeper into his already bleeding chest. He felt used.

“I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together, Childe,” Zhongli had said to him on a warm Liyuen night, “a friend of mine, a long time ago, told me that I was… bad at connecting with people. Emotionally stunted, is what she called me. And she is correct, as I have definitely struggled with making connections in the past. But with you… it’s different. It’s easy.

Childe is thankful for the discretion that night provides him; Zhongli would have easily spotted the blush spreading across his pale cheeks had it been daytime.

“So you had trouble making a couple friends, so what?” The ginger shrugs, “I wasn’t the best at making friends, either. My mom always said I was too aggressive. Apparently that’s not such an appealing trait, after all.”

Zhongli chuckles, a beautiful sound. “It was a bit deeper than that, I’m afraid. Understanding the complexity of another’s emotions was always difficult for me, whereas she… she was loved by everyone. Adored by the youngest of fawns to the oldest of horses. It came so naturally to her. I was the opposite. Not that everyone hated me, no, people just had a harder time getting close to me. Which is why, upon meeting you, I was shocked to find that we clicked so well. Befriending you was as easy as breathing air.”

Oh, Archons, help him.

“And,” Zhongli continues, as if he hadn’t already wrecked the man six ways to hell and back, “I must sincerely thank you for indulging me once again.” The deity glances down at the bag full of antique trinkets in his lap. Childe’s lips turn upward into one of his more genuine, rare smiles.

“What’s with you tonight?” Childe responds, and Zhongli looks at him questioningly , “I mean, you never had a problem with me spoiling you rotten before. You’ve never even acknowledged it. Why start now?”

Zhongli tears his gaze away from the Harbinger.

“And,” the ginger continues, “it almost sounds like you’re saying goodbye.”

Zhongli smiles at him then. He wore a kind look on his face, eyes so impossibly warm that it reminded him of his grandmother’s pirozhki. Hot and steaming from the center, melting on his tongue, dissolving deliciously in his mouth and defrosting his entire body. His smile felt like it wrapped itself around his chest and squeezed the best way possible, fitting him back together in places Childe didn’t even realize he had broken.

“What makes you say that?”

Oh, Childe is pissed.

Fuck tomorrow morning, Childe is leaving tonight.

The memories of last night crash over him not unlike a tidal wave and suddenly, he’s drowning. Filled out the brim with a familiar rage burning through his chest and searing his finger tips, his legs, his fucking toes.

He stands abruptly when he realizes he’s been sitting and resumes his packing. It doesn’t take very long after that. A couple toiletries get shoved into the side pockets, his vision is hooked back onto his hip, and his mask is slid into its’ usual spot on his head. He looks at himself in the mirror on the way out and scowls at the way his hair looks more disheveled than usual. Red rims his dulled blue eyes, forcing him to accept that maybe he cried more than he’d like to admit. Whatever.

He swings the door open and-

“Childe,” lo and behold, Zhongli stands in his fucking doorway, “I’d like to talk to you, if that’s alright.” The man looks slightly disheveled. He’s a little out of breath, Childe notices, like he ran up those ridiculous flights of stairs to get to his room- which, by the way, he never disclosed that information with him.

The man in question huffs a laugh. “It’s not.”

He makes a move to brush past him, but is stopped by an unreasonably strong grip around his bicep.

“Tartaglia,” he pleads, “please.”

Childe snatches his arm back and spits, “don’t call me that.”

He retreats back into his room anyway, hearing Zhongli close the door behind him. He dumps the bag back onto his bed and curses himself for not leaving a millisecond earlier.

“You’re angry with me.” Zhongli starts, face as unreadable as ever.

“The sky is blue. Snezhnaya is cold. Are we still stating the obvious here?” He’s too angry to carefully choose his words. Too hurt to slip on his pleasant facade.

“Tartaglia,” he presses, and Childe really hates how his name sounds on his tongue, “I truly am sorry for the way things had to go. It was not in my intentions to… hurt you to the degree in which you feel. I simply was upholding the end of my contract and doing what was best for my people. I implore you to believe that making you feel used was not my main objective.“

Oh god, his apology sounds so robotic.

“So you’re aware that what you did was a little fucked up.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re aware that almost the entirety of Liyue places the blame on me.”

“Yes.”

Well, shit. “Good talk, Zhongli-xiansheng. If you’ll excuse me, I must begin my trip home.”

He stomps toward the door only to be stopped once again. Archons, if Childe had any motivation left, he most certainly would challenge him to a spar. The ginger huffs, and looks to the heavens in a silent plea for patience.

“Tartaglia, please, I’m not finished-“

“Yeah, well I am.” Their eyes lock. Blue meets gold in a hostile hold, refusing to break. “The second you handed your gnosis over, my business here was done. Whatever… relationship we had is done. You were my consultant and was a Harbinger here for business. A Harbinger that you obviously used for your disposal. So now that that’s over and done with, I really need to report to Tsaritsa, lest she have my head on a silver platter-“

“I spoke with Tsaritsa already.” Zhongli cuts in, his grip tightening around Childe’s wrist. “I asked her for more time with you.”

“You what.”

“Surely you are curious about the deal I struck with Tsaritsa. The contract to end all contracts, yes?” Childe’s wild look on his face eggs him to continue, “I struck a deal that granted you more time here in Liyue. With me.”

Childe is silent for a moment. The ex-Archon opens his mouth to continue.

“And I’d like to say I’ve known you long enough to know that you seek freedom. From what that may be, I do not know. But Tsaritsa has agreed to give you a choice, at the very least, a temporary one. An extended vacation or complete retirement is a choice to be made by you.” Zhongli finishes, looking to Tartaglia with hope.

“THAT is worth your fucking gnosis?!” Zhongli’s gnosis. The entire essence of his being. The very thing that makes him divine (thought it certainly isn’t the only thing that makes the man ethereal), was traded for him.

“Yes,” Zhongli replies with such ease it makes Childe’s head spin. “Among other things, of course.” An aggressive why is lodged in the back of Childe’s throat. Why me? A million questions swirl around his head, knocking him off balance. He would have swayed on his feet had Zhongli not been there to hold him upright.

“That’s insane. You’re insane. You…” Childe lets out a tired sigh, “I don’t understand you.” And he doesn’t. Because one minute he’s a cold hearted businessman, and the next he’s at his door, reduced to a mortal, begging him to stay. Granting him freedom. Really, what kind of fucked up game is this? Why didn’t anyone tell him he was a part of it?

Zhongli smiles. He smiles. “You remember our conversation from the night before, yes?”

Childe rolls his ever-blue eyes to the back of his head. “Remind me, Zhongli-sensei,”

“I said,” the deity starts, drawing both of Childe’s calloused hands between his own, “that I struggled to connect with others. Guizhong, the Goddess of Dust, was the one to bring to my attention my emotional constipation. And like I said, she was correct.”

Childe’s anger withers.

“Unfortunately I understand naught of the depth of your feelings of betrayal,” he continues, “but I do wish to understand how deeply humans feel. And in our time together, I’ve begun to understand through you. Despite your… complexities. And I wish to continue to learn. With you.” I wish to feel human is left unsaid, and laced between his words instead.

“What are you saying,” the Harbinger asks weakly.

“Take me with you.”

“What.”

“Take me with you. Wherever you go, I will follow, if you will allow it.”

Well duh, he’d allow it. Zhongli just had to work for it a little more. He can’t just waltz in here after breaking his heart and ruining his trust, demanding his friendship and companionship or whatever, after everything he was put through-

“Okay.”

Very nice ass to mouth filter, Ajax.

Zhongli’s eyes glow impossibly brighter, “Okay?”

Childe tugs his hands back to his side. “Yes, yes, fine. Whatever. But you can’t just. You can’t just use me again in the name of experimentation.”

“Tartaglia, I would never,” he assures him vehemently, “Of the seven, I was always the one most oblivious to emotions. You may ask Barbatos if you want. But I know that what I feel for you is real and I would not trade it for the world.”

Childe’s mind reels. Barbatos? Feelings?

“‘What you feel for me?’”

Zhongli cocks his head in confusion, as if his feelings were the most obvious thing in the world. “Well, yes. And you feel the same, no? It need not be said aloud.”

“It really doesn’t,” Childe affirms, “you can save me the embarrassment.”

“Wonderful,” Zhongli’s face brightens, and it’s only then that Childe is hit with the full realization that Zhongli is free. No longer is he tied to the city and burdened with the weight of the people. No longer does he have to associate himself with the likes of the Tsaritsa. Finally, after centuries and centuries, he is allowed the pleasure to smile so brightly despite feeling pained for finally leaving his people. He is Zhongli, and no longer Rex Lapis. Morax is long gone, too. The man before him is a man reborn, and Childe’s heart aches with happiness for him.

“Okay, well,” he clears his throat when he notices he’s been quiet for too long, “it’s been a long day and I’m tired. I think I’m just gonna take a shower and turn into bed and think about the rest tomorrow. Save it for future Childe, you know?”

He pads over to his hastily packed back and zips it back open, pulling out the toiletries he aggressively shoved in less than an hour ago. He digs his fingers into his neck and sighs at the release of tension. Summoning an angry ocean god took a lot more out of him than he anticipated.

“I agree,” Zhongli says, and begins to strip. “Personally I prefer the left side of the bed.”

Childe gawks at him.

“You-!” Truly an emotionally constipated god, indeed. He sighs and his shoulders droop, the fight leaving his body. “Fine. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be out in a bit.”

“I eagerly await your return,” Zhongli comments passively as he slips under the covers, a book he didn’t even know he was carrying tucked under his arm. Childe sighs for the nth time that night and turns to close the bathroom door behind him.

Future Childe certainly has a lot to deal with in the morning.

#genshin impact #genshin impact fan fiction #Tartaglia #Childe #zhongli #tartali #zhongchi #i love them so much it hurts #childe x zhongli #angst #character introspection #when this chapter ended i was incredibly emotional #i just want them to be happy

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nightswithkookmin · 4 years

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Jikook and Taekook in The Soop: Ep 06 Analysis

PREFACE

This discussion is a continuation of my opinion piece on Soop episode 06. I explained in that post, how I think Soop was initiated by BigHit and BTS to repair and replenish the dwindling bond of the group as prior to Soop, there had been some friction between some of the members which could be traced as far back as November last year and had only increased exponentially through to March this year.

Now I said this without prejudice, and knowing full well there are a ton of content withheld from us in the present day likely to be released years from now that may reveal a moment, a behind scenes, that to others may seemingly counter this perception of mine.

But like my theory on the Jikook break up moments, I stay my ground. I don't draw my conclusions based on a single moment of tension happening in isolation because they are human- a jet lag here and a muscle pain there could lead to an unnecessary outburst here or there. That's not it.

I look for patterns, take into consideration their personalities, note how a moment impacts or is likely to impact those established values and patterns of behavior that BTS themselves consciously contribute to to influence their public image and reputation- I take this delulu business pretty seriously you know? Lol.

For instance, when I say Jikook broke up it's mostly because I've noticed that over a period of time, certain things that make Jikook a couple to me are no longer present between them, in the way they interact, rather than that there was a few seconds tension between them in random moment on screen.

And I am well aware, that when some people say they feel Jikook are broke up that they are basing their conclusions off of their own insecurities about them rather than that they have seen enough, thought through enough about those observations to reasonably draw such conclusions.

For example, because to them Jikook interactions is their evidence of a romantic relationship, then Jikook not interacting in a random moment would indicate to them that something is wrong and that they are broke up- basic delulus.

I employ a different metric. Not better, just different. For example, I used them not knowing certain things about themselves within certain periods as an indication something is off.

This is not a hard rule. It could be random but when the information they are in the dark about came into existence within a period I suspected they weren't a couple due to other things I had noticed within said period, then that becomes a confirmation of that period for me. Feel free to disagree.

Jikook know everything about eachother, EVERYTHING. Or at least, they act like they know or should know everything about eachother.

They love to be the ones to know eachother the most and love to show off their knowledge about eachother like in the recent Bangtan Bomb when JK said he knew Jimin could touch his toe when he stretched.

'See, I told you he could touch his toe.' he says with pride. Then the bit about Jimin and beans, Jimin and the convenience store underwear etc.

So when JK suddenly doesn't know Jimin took pop dancing or when Jimin acts surprised that JK had gimbap it raises an eye brow. No?

What's more concerning to me is their reaction to news like this. JK zoned out for a bit and Jimin looked confused out of his wits in those instances. You could tell its something that really bothered them.

And while this may be an isolated incident for most, it's usually not for me or even surprising to me. Because, as explained, usually moments like these fit into an established pattern of inconsistent behaviours identified within those specific timelines prior to such moments, from my observation.

And I see most people also don't know how Jikook looks like when they are not 'together.' Which is also part of the problem.

To most people, a Jikook break up would look like the apocalypse up in BTS- it's not.

I've said several times in my blogs, if you believe Jikook are real then pay attention to what they are and not what you expect them to be. Their relationship parameters are set by them not us and our ideosyncracies.

To me and the way I see them, a Jikook break up is and would always be a return to friendship.

When Jikook break up they revert back to being friends. Friendship is their default, in the group setting anyway.

And as I've said, they lose or strive away the qualities that make them a couple during break ups but at a bare minimum their friendship will be there- for the harmony of the group.

And I think this is why some Jikookers theorize that Jikook knew the consequences their relationship was going to have on the group before entering into their relationship.

While I disagree they thought things through before deciding to commit to a romantic relationship, I agree that they know and have considered the impact their relationship can have on their group.

It is why they revert and will revert to being friends during times like that so their break up and conflicts doesn't affect the dynamics of the group.

I think this is one thing they both very much understand and commit to, to make sure their shenanigans doesn't impact the dynamics of the group- they owe their bandmates that much.

It is also this understanding that allows them to thrive and hide within the group.

What all this means is that, in times of a break up, the skinship will very much be there, the wearing the same attire will be there, the wearing the same bracelets will be there, they will still ride together if they have to- because none of these is what make them a couple!

And a fight is not a breakup, mind you. Often when they fight, I find they may not want to be around each other among other things but they don't lose the qualities that make them a couple.

You can still see their couple aura in such times. Whereas in the case of a breakup those couple qualities disappear entirely. In my opinion.

Perhaps I should make a blog post on what I feel makes Jikook a couple and how those qualities disappear around the times they break up? I'll think about it.

I have stated over and over that, skinship, car sharing etc are all not in any way indicative of a romantic relationship, not to me anyway. And honestly, if you can't tell between Jikook as friends and jikook as a couple- do you even deserve rights? Consider your delulu membership revoked. Lol

And if you aren't observant, shy away from angst, see them as a fantasy rather than actual human beings in an actual romantic relationship- subject to change, subject to growth, susceptible to temptations; if you mistake things that make them friends for things that make them a couple you would not spot their break ups when they happen. Or worse, you'd dismiss and overlook them when they do happen.

Deadass, you could be very much looking at the end of Jikook but still screaming power couple extraordinaire-

Isn't that where we are with Taekook? People mistaking all the things that make them friends for a romantic couple?

People dismissing all the questionable moments that's happened between them over the years- like Tae saying he couldn't even tell JK had been given a mission to ignore him because Jk ignores him anyway behind cameras, Tae's passive aggressiveness towards JK like in the VLive he exposed Jikook, the missing birthday wishes on Twitter etc- and not reflecting on them enough to critically examine their impact and what it says of the state and nature of their relationship?

Taekook in the Soop is an indictment of the shipping community. But I am not here to police anyone's delusions- freedom of belief, speech and all that jazz.

What I am here to do today, my dear delulu colleagues, is to examine Taekook in the soop and share my thoughts on the infamous conversation they had in that episode.

I will also be pointing out a few observations I made about Jikook in that episode that I feel will help shed more lights on the current dynamics between Jikook which further proofs Jikook is real.

TAEKOOK IN THE SOOP

Taekook's conversation in Soop 06 is shaping out to be one of the most controversial moments in the history of BTS ships.

To some it was a doze of reality, a game changer, if you will and had some people questioning their sanity while others jumped off the Taekook bandwagon all together.

But some die hard fans of the ship were quick to come up with a theory to explain away what had transpired that night as big bad BigHit curating that entire scene in order to bamboozle them and absolve themselves of all guilt for having previously separated Taekook and forced them to hide their relationship- scammers never die. Lol

Why would Taekook have that conversation on camera if it was that serious, they ask.

If they aren't close why did JK put his hands around Tae here? Why did he look at Tae there? They fist bumped in the background of this MV, surely they are a couple- y'all know how I feel about skinship being used as a determinant of romantic relationships so I'm just gonna roll my eyes here and keep it pushing-

This is what happens when you whimsically and randamly label a ship as real without due diligence, without conducting the necessary tests that allows you to reasonably assume that that ship is or could be real.

A ship is not real until it's breached the fourth way into alternative shipping and I'm sorry, Taekook has not breached that fourth wall. No other ship in BTS has breached that wall except Jikook. I have explained this over and over again.

How can Taekook breach the fourth wall when half of the moments, half of the content needed to establish it's piercing moment exists in the imagination of people?

By claiming BigHit hides, and cuts Taekook moments or any other ships moment, by claiming Taekook's interactions are mostly off camera, these shippers are shooting themselves in the foot and fooling no one.

Because what they are indirectly saying basically is there aren't enough moments to analyze upon whose findings we can draw such conclusions that Taekook is real.

I have a hard time believing Jesus is real and I'm a Christian. You think I'm about to buy that Taekook is real, based on faith??? Y'all tripping.

And no. The skinship don't count either. I mean people were running around the corners of the internet swearing up and down Jimin and Mina were dating based on their skinship until it was revealed Jimin had been abusing Mina all those years.

Skinship is performative and not a reflection of true intimacy or true bond.

That being said, yes I see Taekook's relationship. I see their dynamics. They are beautiful and as a multishipper- I really dig their bond. I do.

I have called them the evil power duo of BTS. I have said they don't have much intimate interactions between them on camera but when they activate their evil powers, lord do they set my insides on fire.

WHY FILM THAT BIT ON CAMERA?

For quality entertainment purposes. Lol.

Soop is a quasi self produced production by BTS. As such they themselves created the content, concept, decided where they were going to be, what they were going to do at what time and most importantly who they were going to be with or hang out with.

Everything was pre determined by BTS and the schedule was presented to BigHit- the camera crew and staff, beforehand so the staff knew where to place cameras, what equipment they were going to use and what props they are going to have to provide for BTS for effective filming.

Unlike run or Bon V where BTS have little creative control, BTS played a major role in the production of SOOP. So if that bit was staged then it wasn't staged by BigHit, but by BTS themselves- including Tae and JK.

I explained in my previous post, how I felt Soop is business but also BigHit's way of shutting BTS in a room and forcing them to settle whatever differences had crept up between them that had been affecting the dynamics of the group and threatening the longevity of their group around that period.

I said it was no different from Rookie King where they had an episode where BTS was allowed to shout their grievances off the top of a roof to foster unity among the members.

It's also no different from the missions they've are given from time to time or the love letters they have been asked to write to eachother. The objective of such projects have always been to bring the members closer, to build intimacy and to foster unity amongst them. Soop follows suit.

What's of interest to me and what you should be pondering over is what had led them all- BTS and BigHit, to embark on a project of this nature this time around.

BigHit is a business and can only stay on top of the game for so long if BTS is in the game. Them disbanding impromptu due to petty conflicts and misunderstandings amongst them will be a huge loss to BigHit.

And if you think petty issues aren't enough to bring down their empire- you are in the wrong delulu industry. Lol.

Kpop is wrought with stories of these nature. There are a lot of bands that debuted with and around the time of BTS's debut that are disbanded now due to the least misunderstandings- google it. I dare you to.

BTS do have issues from time to time that does threaten their band. How often have we heard them talk about almost disbanding? Remember 2018? Remember when JK cried because Hobi almost left the group? Remember when JK almost left the group to pursue a career in dancing?

The Kpop industry is hectic and brutal and bands within this sphere are fragile. it's easy to jump ship than to keep sailing. I mean, there's a reason Korean interviewers keep asking BTS their secret to staying together and for this long.

As RM puts it in the recent KBS interview, they are seven boys from different backgrounds in the same boat headed in different directions. That can create a lot of clashes here and there. So when tensions arise that they can help it, they take initiatives like Soop to help nip it and replenish their bond.

They don't allow issues to fester on to the point they want to go their separate ways. BigHit loves this about them and encourages that among them.

Do y'all see why I side eye people who claim BigHit is not happy with any pair within the group because they are real and wants to hide and suppress them?

Left to BigHit alone, BTS would be in one big happy gay polyamorous relationship with eachother if that meant the success and longevity of their business- they are depending on it. They would rather BTS keep the love in the barn than spread it elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

How are BTS portrayed in Tiny Tan? The bond you see in that animation is not just a reflection of BTS's actual bond but also a reflection of BigHits vision of their bond.

Jimin is portrayed as that hyung who is always watching over JK because he loves him so much. Tae is also portrayed as the one hyung who will dive to save JK. Tiny Tan is BigHit's ideal intimacy goal for the boys.

Again, BT21, how are their friendships portrayed in there?

It's absurd thus to think, believe or even assume that if there is an actual real intimate relationship between any of the boys, that Bighit's objective would be to hide and suppress it or even to kill it.

BTS's intimacy is a currency BigHit transacts with. But that doesn't mean BTS doesn't bank on it too. They are proud of their bond, often flaunt it. They know it makes them stand out of the lot and it's what has led to them staying together for this long in the business. They have a pretty strong bond.

They wouldn't have agreed to do this project Soop if they didn't want to or didn't think they needed it. They really love eachother as a team, as a band; they love working together and care about their careers unlike other bands we know. Cough, cough.

They are the blueprint and they know it. The last thing they want is for something as trivial as a misunderstanding to break them apart- Hobi said in his recent YouTube live how BE is their voice and an expression of their feelings and I can't wait to hear all the songs on the Album to understand what they've been through these past few months.

If building intimacy is the objective of Soop, then conversations like that of Taekook really shouldn't be shocking. It's to be expected.

If they felt the need to talk it's because they felt they was something they both needed to get off their chest.

Is a content of that nature good for ratings? Absolutely. Does that mean they performed it? No. Not at all.

It's similar to what Jimin did with JK in Rookie King in order to get closer to each other. They were friends. You think he couldn't have just approached JK off camera and told him how his actions hurt him?

How often have we heard RM or Tae ask if the cameras were they to capture a moment where the members have claimed to have cried and consoled each other?

See this is why people think Jikook is fake. They just don't understand that these boys choose to share certain intimate moments with the us out of love, out of a need to connect and have people share in their moments.

It's no different from BTS filming themselves screaming when they heard of that BB news. They share their joy, their pain and their conflicts with us as a way to connect with us.

How often have we wished the VMin dumpling fight was recorded, or that the rain fight was recorded? But when such similar moment is recorded y'all want to question the intention behind it.

Besides, having conversations like these on camera is the perfect cover for them to be vulnerable with eachother without feeling too vulnerable or feel like they are exposing themselves too much.

It's similar to how people choose to text or be vulnerable with others through letters and texts rather than in person. Its the fear of vulnerability. Being vulnerable like that in person can be extremely scary for them too. They are human too and sometimes they find their confidence and their voice when they turn on the cameras.

It's ridiculous to think a moment is staged simply because it is or feels like an intimate moment- Y'all claim BigHit hides Taekook's intimate moments and when they show it to us and it's fake? Chileeee!

If that moment was staged, then Jin apologising to Tae after their fight is fake, the fight itself was staged, V's letters were staged, V crying when reading those letters was staged- y'all see where I'm going with this?

None of it was real and we've all been bamboozled- Let's pack our bags!

Seriously though, we can't sit behind our screens and pick and choose which content is real and which is not simply because it doesn't align with our delusional theories. It doesn't work that way.

Especially not when everything we see is captured by the same lenses, edited by the same people and distributed by the same company.

Besides, Tae said the reason he did that was just to spend time with JK- which was the objective of Soop, wasn't it? For all of them to spend time together and bond?

How then is Taekook bonding by having a meal together any different from Hobi spending time with NamJoon in the mountains? Or Tae riding around the country side with Hobi? Or RM and Kook painting?

I'm yet to figure out the sequence that the entire project was shot in as I still haven't seen the full episodes. But I'll bet if there were any Taekook bonding moments, they were shot after their heart to heart moment, not before it. Tae wouldn't have been shy to invite JK had it been so. But who knows, I could be wrong.

TAEKOOK vs JIKOOK DYNAMICS

On Taekook's dynamics, I stated during our discussion on their love language that I don't see Taekook as emotionally compatible or emotionally dependent on each other even much less that they speak each other's love languages. They don't.

It's no secret Taekook have always lacked a certain level of mutual emotional dependency and vulnerability within their dynamics. To me anyways.

Rarely would you see them being emotionally vulnerable with eachother the way Tae is with Jimin or Jk is with JM. The only time I have seen them close to being emotionally vulnerable with eachother was at an award show when Tae cried and JK comforted him. But even that felt impersonal-

again the thigh slapping, cheek squishing, pegs on the cheeks, cuddling in bed etc doesn't count. That's skinship and you know how I feel about skinship or what I think of it.

When I say emotional vulnerability and dependency, I'm talking about instances such as when Tae said he missed Jimin, when he had to drag Jk away so he could ride with Jimin, all the things he said about Jimin in his letters, the way he talks about Jimin in his solo Vlives, writing songs inspired by Jimin, when he said Jimin was the one member who had been there for him during his grandmother's passing etc.

Jk expresses his emotional dependency on Jimin through his actions more so than his words- that need he has to constantly be around Jimin. You see this in moments where he subconsciously finds his way to Jimin like the 2018 comeback VLIVE where he and jimin were put in separate teams but after picking their groups mission he headed for Jimin's team instead of his.

You see this in the way he talks about Jimin when Jimin is not around. He would find a way to chip Jimin into any conversation- I dare you; Talk about heaven and it would remind him of Angel Jimin, talk about hell and he will burst out laughing because of Jimin's devil may care attitude that one time.

You see it in moments when he sulks and yap, whines and complains in a submissive tone when he interacts with Jimin at certain times.

Like when he talked about Jimin not waking him up in that interview, or even the New Jersey Live where he whined and pouted like a broke hearted seven year old and Jimin ended up doing- whatever that was to placate him... that VLIVE still makes me uncomfortable to watch to this day.

You just don't see that level of emotional attachment in Taekook. Their interactions are just that- interactions. Frankly, this moment in Soop is the only meaningful conversation I've heard between them in years.

It is this lack of emotional intimacy between Taekook that disqualifies them from being anywhere near real in my books.

While I acknowledge this lack of emotion amongst them, I wouldn't go as far as to say there's been a cataclysmic decline of their bond or friendship. They are still very much friends, just not intimate friends. Skinship wise, sure. But there is no depth to skinship as I've said.

So if skinship isn't what binds them, what does? Personality, for starters. And I know JK saying he and Tae had different personalities sounded confusing to most.

Jk had called Tae his commonality- this Festa was it? He's described Tae in his profiles over years and in recent times as someone he shares the most personality traits with within the group. He is not wrong.

Personally, I see him as very similar to Tae, Suga and RM in different aspects of their personalities.

I think what he meant by his statement about Tae becoming reserved since their trainee days was that he doesn't find Tae relatable.

You can share the same personality trait with people and still not find them relatable. And I contrast this with his interview with Jimin where JM said he and JK were similar in that they are both sleepy heads and hate to lose.

Jk quickly noted that they both were studying Japanese as well. He acknowledged the similarities between him and Jimin here also. Does it mean he found Jimin relatable?

No.

Jimin said after they both acknowledged their similarities that in spite of this Jungkook didn't seem to like him. Clearly. he too like Tae was feeling a barrier in his relationship with JK.

Jk futher admitted he liked Jimin. So if he liked Jimin and had a lot in common with him what was the problem? Relatability. Jk could relate to JM just as he feels he can't relate with Tae now.

In that interview he described how JM was pretty serious minded who liked to focus on one thing at a time- a trait he said was different and as such perhaps he couldn't relate with.

Isn't it the same song he is singing about Tae now? That Tae is reserved and too serious like Jimin was?

The difference between Tae and Jimin is, over the years and especially in recent times the members have talked about how Jimin seems less serious behind camera. Suga even went ahead to give him an award for this- lol, Suga.

Jimin has changed over the years. He's become more goofy and to JK- more relatable.

Have we all not seen Tae gradually close himself off within the group dynamics? How is it hard to see that that could be something that's impacted his dynamics with JK?

I've already mentioned how Tae has been through a lot trauma enough to shut him off emotionally to anyone but Jimin.

Seeing his two besties coupled up too mustn't be easy either. Exclusivity is one of JK's values and love wants. Jimin's love language dictates you treat him exclusively, differently from others- while this is complementary for them, it very much often leaves them with a tendency for to isolate and exclude others- how do you feel watching them from home? Think that but twice Tae and these other members.

That exclusivity Jikook exudes can make anyone emotionally dependent and attached to any one of them feel left out. And for Tae, I see how he would then want JK to treat him as a friend- as he treats Jimin perhaps. He didn't want to feel left out. Similar to how I said Jimin partaked in the culture of the group in early days because he didn't want to feel like the outsider being the last to join the group.

Jikook's exclusivity tendencies have a way to make him feel further isolated and disconnected from the group.

What it then comes down to between Taekook is the difference in their values and their understanding of intimacy. I think.

I have said, JK is one person emotionally closed off within the group. He used to be physically closed of too and took a minute for him to come to terms with even skinship.

These boys may be from the same cultural backgrounds but they have different beliefs and values and upbringing.

I explained how JK had had to suppress himself, his values and his beliefs especially in the early days in order to be the Maknae of the group and how he's been on a journey to slowly yet drastically grow out of that role and image.

I have explained that even though he does not have a problem with Skinship, he believes couples aren't supposed to cross certain boundaries with others which I said is what jeonlous is mostly about.

So when he said during that conversation, he preferred to keep a certain level of distance from people because he felt that level of proximity could end up ruining relationships, I understood perfectly what he meant. I have always suspected and speculated that about him.

No one BangPD script writer-nim put that in his mouth.

Tae is the opposite of JK in that regard. While Jk is emotionally closed off, Tae is emotionally lose and latches on to people quite easily- aka his attachment to Jimin.

He is among the members of BTS who I think lack emotional boundaries in the group.

Being emotionally close to people and receiving that emotional nourishment is one of Tae's love languages as I've explained in the past. And so I smiled when I heard him talk about how he wanted to feel loved by Army.

Tae lowkey has an anxious insecure attachment style brought upon him by no fault of his in my opinion and I've always felt a similarity between his and jimin's attachment styles in that sense- that constant need for reassurance for one.

While I feel Jimin's anxiousness and need for reassurance is often performative and as such is often exaggerated as part of his idol persona- Jimin does not in reality need reassurace of love from his love interest.

He may appear clingy to some and a bit insecure about his looks, but he doesn't trade his looks for love.

His looks I feel are important to him as long as his career goes. And he tries to look a certain way and obsesses about the way he looks because his looks is a means to longevity and fruitfulness of his career.

His love language is more towards wanting certainty and stability and making him feel like he is the only one.

On the other hand, Tae's need for reassurance sits at the core of him. I don't think it is an exaggeration or a persona at all. In my opinion.

His need for reassurance is born out of an innate fear of losing a connection, a fear of not being loved and a fear of losing love- not to psychoanalyze him or anything. It's just theory.

I've said Tae strikes me as a very melancholic person.

Remember when he faked being an Army to see if an Army was a Solo stan who just loved one member or him also as well- that bit was unsettling and uncalled for. Then during his conversation with JK he talked about how he needed that constant reassurance of love from Army- y'all still think he boo-ed up in there? Alright then.

Loneliness is a bitch. And I understand how he would be driven by an emotional void to connect and attach to people. He really was attached to his Grandmother and having a love connection like that yanked away from him without warning, without proper closure can leave a void behind.

So I see often while he craves to connect he often self sabotages that connection- he does this with Jimin at times, boy can he work Jimin's nerves!

It takes a big heart and a lot of patience to love a person of this nature- and there's only one Jimin in that VMinKook dynamics.

Jk is not good at emotions, can barely work his way through his own much less nurture someone with complex emotions such as that of Tae.

Tae has been working through a lot. Trying to be better. Taekook is just a casualty of Jikook...

I keep saying these boys are human and ought to be viewed, thought of and treated as such. If you want to ship them as characters within the Kpop verse then do that. But don't breach the fourth wall and still think of them as fictional beings.

If any ship is real, then their real lives are bound to affect their dynamics, their desires and influence their needs. It's crazy to turn a blind eye to all of that while uWu-ing your ass off at every cute moment edited and shared to you.

Comparing Tae to JK, JK to me barely expresses a need for emotional attachment to anyone. He is similar to Suga in that sense. It's easier to see who he is emotionally attached to and attracted to than to see his overt expressions emotions.

When you look at all seven you see who JK is emotionally attached to based on how he act around and towards that person. He shows, he doesn't tell. In my opinion.

Tae asking JK to treat him as a friend rather than as a hyung thus to me was his way of asking to JK to connect emotionally. That doesn't mean they weren't close. They were, just not as close as Tae wanted to be.

This is what I meant when I said both him and jimin had tried to break down JK's walls in their early dynamics around debut.

Jimin's approach was to breach JK's physical boundaries but in so doing he had accidentally breached Jk's emotional walls as I've explained in previous posts.

I stated how I felt, perhaps, JM coveted that physical connection between Tae and JK at the time he joined BTS, but it's occurring to me Tae equally perhaps coveted Jikooks emotional connection; asking JK to treat him as a friend- as he treats Jimin?

Now I don't know if that conversation was had before Jimin joined BTS or after so I won't push it.

Regardless, it seems JK putting up those emotional walls with him had led to Tar harboring resentments towards JK- typical of people with passive aggressive tendencies.

Sort of explains all those weird TaegiKook dynamics in the early days of Tae trying so hard to do things to make JK jealous- Do y'all see why I disregard anything that happened between all the members before 2016?

I feel because Tae was young at the time, he didn't have the emotional maturity at the time to deal with a situation like that and coupled with his passive aggressive personality, resentment was bound to build up between them.

This resentment showed itself through his passive aggressive attitudes towards JK- Jimin wants to come, JK is stopping him, then that slight head tilt. Oh, you were given a mission to ignore me? I didn't notice, you ignore me off cam anyway followed by that attitude whatever it was.

In turn, I feel JK along the way started to build similar resentments towards Tae too as response to Tae's coldness and I see how to him Tae would be the problem- to him Tae is the one who had changed and grown distant, reserved in their dynamic- unrelatable.

I feel JK's grudge against Tae leading up to Soop however was because he felt his partner in crime had stabbed him in the back- get out of your imagination. That's not what I'm referring to. Lol. I'll explain in a bit.

But yes, this resentment I feel they were both harboring could probably had further complicated their dynamic and got in their way of achieving true intimacy beyond the skinship- when I tell you skinship is not an indication of intimacy.

You could see this in the way they both were very defensive in their conversation. Whatever had happened, JK had extended an olive branch to have Tae to sit and have drinks with him but Tae had brushed it off.

After this, he's shy to approach Jk to ask him to have a meal with him- Where did it all go wrong, they asked- twelve year olds, that's what they are. Lol.

There was a certain degree of lack of vulnerability in the way they expressed themselves with each other especially on JK's part which I feel leads people to conclude that their conversation was somewhat coerced- It wasn't in my opinion.

I have explained when I was talking about their love languages how I feel Tae in general is very headstrong, almost as strong headed as JK which I feel it's one of the things that gets in their way of achieving true intimacy and I feel that is what we were seeing in that moment during conversation.

I've explained intimacy, true intimacy requires a crucification of pride and a sacrifice of ego without which any intimacy would be superficial. I used VMin's dumpling fight as an example, where I said it took 2 days to two weeks for them to resolve their issue because they were both being strong headed.

It took Jimin's vulnerability and a sacrifice of his ego to reach through to Tae and even that took how long? And this is Jimin, the half blood Hufflepuff, president of the kumbaya fanclub we're talking about-

Y'all think Mr. Let it burn, I'll rather be dead than cool is about to let shit go? - Get some education. It's not in his vocabulary. It's not in either of them's vocabulary. Lol.

While I see these two as both unwilling to bow and submit to eachother, I've see them willfully submit emotionally to Jimin. Where they both fail to be vulnerable with eachother they both eagerly let themselves be vulnerable in this way with Jimin.

So it's not as if they are incapable of being vulnerable with eachother. If Tae's narration of his offer of friendship to JK is anything to go by, it seems he at one point was willing to take the steps to build that level of intimacy needed for their friendship to thrive but JK had barred him.

Tae in wanting to be close with JK the way he(Tae) is close with JM spoke volumes about Vmin dynamics as well. It tell me he doesn't see his bond with Jimin as exclusive. Special, but not exclusive- and we know how both Jimin and JK feel about exclusivity.

Which brings me to JK's perception about VMin.

I don't think JK see's Vmin's friendship as problematic. He just see's their lack of emotional boundaries as problematic and so often you see him try to put up boundaries for Jimin in their dynamic.

To Tae emotional connection is important and an indication of intimacy. That's his love language, that's his value. But how is JK going to open himself up like that to Tae when he sees what Tae and JM have as problematic? When he values and believes emotional connection has to be reserved for an intimate partner?

As explained earlier, exclusivity is a huge deal to JK.

He believes somethings ought to be reserved and exclusive to love relationships. He believed it then, he believes it now and he has consistently lived that belief through his actions throughout the years.

And if this is his values, then imagine his frustration at seeing people cross all sorts of boundaries with his man everywhere he turns- its enough to give anyone a complex, seriously.

When Tae explained that JK refusing to treat him casually as a friend was part of the reason they couldn't be as intimate, JK was quick to point out why he made that decision all those years and from the looks of it he ain't changing his mind anytime soon.

Dude literally said- I said what I said.

JK believes to make his intimate relationship special and to protect the sanctity of it, he ought to put up walls not further indulge in and perpetuate the lack of emotional boundaries within the group.

In this regard, Taekook is a casualty of Jikook, nothing personal. I've said, a real relationship involving JK or Jimin within the group is mutually exclusive to any other ship involving those two. As such all those other ships involving those two are bound to be casualties of Jikook.

In as much as BTS have thrived as a group on the lack of boundaries between them, this lack of boundaries was also ruining some of the members' joy especially JK who believes a certain level of boundary is necessary for a healthy relationship- Soop was very much neccessary.

And I see some Jikookers are claiming, Taekook settled their differences and had that conversation perhaps for Jimin's sake? Chileee- it makes sense if you are looking at things in isolation? But...

I mean Jikook have been dating a long time- six years now, for Taekook to be only now considering the effect of their dynamics on Jimin. If Jimin is whom they were concerned about they would have nipped it in the bud a long time ago especially around the time Jimin was having a tough time in his life. In my opinion.

I acknowledge the role Jimin played in bringing those two together and even believe he is the one that influenced them to take the initiatives they both took separately but no. I don't think they did this for Jimin. They did this for themselves first of all and for the sake of the sake of their careers, and the group.

[Image below. Check end of post if it's missing. Tumblr, Sigh]

I know some people have theorized that JK posted this on Weverse after his live because he was eager to do his next live with Jimin- true, but not only that.

The tension in that live was there but it wasn't there because he was uncomfortable with Tae per se. He has had a live with Tae in the past, has filmed with staff around and so Jeon Jungkook really had no excuse now did he?

Then the shade he threw, I shouldn't try to make anything next time- then proceeds to make gimbap with Jimin in their live while cheesing through it.

I feel his statement about making things was a Jab at BigHit. I told you previously how I felt he didn't want to do the live. That neither he nor Tar wanted to do the live hence BigHit's results to coercion. In my opinion.

BigHit at the time, it seems, was making them do these weird PG13 arts and craft thingy during their heavily monitored lives- it was weird as fuck especially for the audience that have grown used their VLives being a way for them to have intimate moments and conversations with BTS- I dipped out of most of those VLives. Deuces.

Homeboy was protesting because he just wanted to, first of all, have a Vlive alone with Jimin because they hadn't had one in a while- he deadass wanted to sit and stare into JM's soul while the rest of us watched on in silent discomfort and miserable loneliness while we thirdwheeled- This man, I swear to God!

But he also wanted to fight for their right to as a group to do whatever they wanted with little control and interference from BigHit- Independence really is recurring theme in JK's dramas. Lol.

After JK posted those rebellious tweets to out BigHit, Tae followed those tweets with a tweet akin to hold your peace followed by the shush emoji.

On its own it doesn't mean much. But read together with JK's post and the background I've given, it takes on a whole new meaning.

This moment to me was one of those evil twin power activation moments. Tae seemed to be with JK on that, in his own passive aggressive manner.

I talked about how social media was one of the tools they use to fight back against BigHit. Especially, by withholding their presence on social media platforms.

The company needs them to be online, interacting with fans and growing their fanbase. I hear some Idols, not BTs, are allegedly forced to appear on VLives even and social media even.

Yet BTS do that pro bono. So when they feel the company is tripping they exercise their rights to remain off the internet.

So imagine my surprise when Tae was suddenly popping up on Weverse, Vlive, YouTube live left right left!

I was surprised not because it was unusual of him, but because I felt that was contrary to the move he had made in support of JK earlier.

Do I think it is probably one of the immediate causes of the heat between Taekook that they needed to address? Probably.

I mean why else would Tae bring up him spending so much time online in his conversation with JK? How is that a way to bond with JK? Unless, perhaps JK had been pissed he did that and so Tae felt he needed to explain why he did that? Don't mind me. I'm delusional- but deadass.

Now a chunk of that conversation was voiced over so we will never know everything about that moment. And I hope, in the future they both talk about this and give us more details about this.

Both Jk and Tae have had issues with BigHit in the past and when they do they aren't afraid to come at BigHit with direct or passive aggressiveness.

Did y'all see ILand? How Tae took a jab at Bang PD over chicken breasts? How in Rookie King he expressed his resentment at BangPD for not knowing his name?

They are both expressive, assertive and less of a pushover in that way, I feel. They will put up the you can force the horse to the river side but can't force it to drink attitude if pushed against their will.

OTHER THINGS I NOTICED IN SOOP

I mentioned in my previous post how Jikook have been asserting themselves against eachother.

By that I meant, JK has been pushing JM to put up boundaries, treat their relationship with the same level of seriousness he does and not act like an ass kisser within the group all the time- bless him.

Jk used to be that guy who tried to please everyone. He would sacrifice his own happiness if that meant the happiness and harmony of the group. He is very Kumbaya in that way.

While this is noble, often he ended up stepping on JK's happiness because sacrificing his happiness is sacrificing Jk's happiness.

Him being the decision maker in their dynamics, that often means he ends up sacrificing JK's happiness without JK's permission.

To JK, JM would always come first. But Jimin is a bit of a people pleaser. He would consider the effect putting JK first would have on the group before placing him first- lately that has changed.

I feel Jk has been pushing him to careless about people's opinions of him and their relationship- please listen to the lyrics of GCF Helsinki to see what I mean especially whenever Jimin comes on the screen for the longest bar.

Just as much as JK has been pushing JM, JM has equally been pushing JK to be mindful of his possessiveness. While I see Jimin as someone who likes to belong, I don't think he wants to be owned.

So you see him pushing Jk to be social, to spend time with others- fix his issues with Tae for example, read books etc.

I hinted at this dynamic when I talked about Jikook shading eachother. Please check it out.

JK's always asserted himself and wanted to assert himself in the group dynamics and he has always expected that of Jimin as well.

It's no surprising then to see Jimin say no to Tae when Tae asked him to go on a car ride with him and Hobi in Soop episode 06. Old Jimin would have run along, no questions asked.

Jikook have changed. Their relationship dynamic has changed, their individual personalities have changed- are changing and they are changing eachother as well.

It explains why to JK Jimin feels more relatable as we've talked about above. They are changing but are also changing for eachother.

Some of these changes are glaringly obvious, others are subtle and easy to miss if you blink.

For example, Vmin's interaction mentioned above. Notice how Jimin is the outdoor kind of guy but in this instance he chose to stay indoors? Outdoors activities are his thing, indoors activities are JK's thing.

Do you see how Jk is influencing him?

He not only chose the indoors, he also chose an indoors activity that had JK written all over. How should I put this, painting, craft, drawing- those are ravenclaw traits not halfbood hufflepuffs' traits. Know what I mean?

True, Jimin loves these activities too but when you think of him traveling all over the world during their vacation- something I said was a cause of misunderstanding between them in August last year, you'd understand what I mean by JK asserting himself against Jimin.

They are compromising, they are negotiating, they are each embracing aspects of their personalities and accommodating it- you call it domesticity, I call it the aftermath of a trail period in Jikook's journey.

There are a lot other observations I made but this is all the length Tumblr can permit. Love Jikook and Support them.

Signed,

GOLDY

#Jikook #jikook analysis #jikook theories #kookmin #kookmintheories #jikooktheories #kookmin analysis #Goldy #nightswithkookmin #Soop episode 06 analysis #jikook dynamics #jikook is real #support Jikook #jikook lovers #bts ships #bts ship analysis

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loudsuitlover · 4 years

Text

Doctor Harry XXX. T la sudo

A/N: Everything will come for those patient enough to wait. (My abuela’s words, not mine.)

BLUE’S POV

Unbelievable. He’s still asleep. Is it possible that this is his longest night of sleep? Would he remember what he said last night? Was he hallucinating? He fell asleep right after. I remember when he told me I had recited Roy McBride’s lines on my sleep and I didn’t remember any of it the morning after. Will it be the same for him?

I have barely slept and as much as he has had trouble sleeping any other night, last night he peacefully slept through the entire night. Every time I’d wake up and look at him, there he was, peaceful, calm and vulnerable and in contrast I was tachycardic.

Harry’s phone screen illuminates with Hampstead name. I sigh. I’m about to pick up and tell them to fuck off and learn to solve their problems by themselves but I know that would be too much. But, come on, Hampstead, it’s Saturday morning and he’s asleep. Thank God it’s on silent mode.

He put it on silent mode! So if someone had called with an “emergency” last night, he wouldn’t have picked up because he was with me. Aw, I’m so proud of him! I want to kiss him until he wakes up and the suck him off to begin his day.

When the call ends, the missed call text pops up on his screen and only then I see the photo he’s got as his wallpaper. That’s me. My pulse accelerates. I don’t want to take his phone but that’s me. It’s a photo from his sister’s wedding and it’s taken from behind me when we were standing under the flower arch greeting the guests. He couldn’t have possibly taken it for he was right next to me but maybe the photographer did and he liked it. Hampstead texts him and the messages pop up on the screen.

Hampstead: Hey, I was just calling to remind you I still have the tickets for Kings of Leon tonight if you want to come!

I don’t want to read his messages. I know that’s terrible. But they’re right there… And they keep popping. I didn’t know Hampstead and him were friends. He’s never mentioned them.

Hampstead: Last week was fun!

Last week was fun? I hope he’s talking about the congress. But a congress, fun? I mean it can be interesting, it can even be thrilling… But fun?

Wait, what is going on with me? I’m not like this. What do I care what Harry talks about with his friends? Even though he’s never mentioned them… But what do I care he’s never mentioned them? Maybe they’re not that close and that’s why he has never said anything. But then, why would they invite him to a concert?

Before I know what I’m doing, I’m looking for Hampstead on Facebook. The only Hampstead I have friends in common with- those being Mario Matteoti and Harry Styles- is a girl, is a very beautiful girl. Sarah Hampstead. She’s blond and her hair is long like mine but straight. She wears it in a braid in most of the pictures and looks like Rapunzel. She’s a first year residence in Anaesthesiology at Grad hospital. The last picture she posted is a selfie with Harry. They’re smiling at the camera having a drink at some restaurant or hotel and she’s wearing her hair on a braid over her shoulder. It’s from last Tuesday when Harry was supposed to be at the congress.

My heart stops. I hate this. I hate that I’m doing this in the first place and I also hate that I’m feeling so threatened but I remember the fights I’ve had with Harry over her calls and how he walked away from me to take her call when we were at Marie’s house.

I don’t want to think this of him but… Why did he never tell me about her? And why does she think it’s okay to call him at those ungodly hours? And why does he always pick up? And why the fuck is she inviting him to a concert?

Last week was fun. Yeah, that drink they had looked like fun and they looked like they were having a good time on that stupid selfie. The congress. It’s impossible, I know it is, but what if the congress wasn’t a congress at all? I need to stop.

I get up from the bed and don’t know what to do. Do I shower without telling Harry? I mean I know he told me not to ask him if I could shower again… But it’s still his house. Well, fuck it, I need to get rid of the dirty feeling of having spied on him and then doubt him. But what if it’s true? Ugh, stop!

I can’t get their stupid selfie out of my head while I shower. Why the fuck did he never tell me about her if they’re colleagues? There’s a voice inside me that tells me he might have done it precisely to avoid this irrational reaction but fuck it. That’s not an excuse. I’m only reacting this way because he hid this from me. Why would he not tell me?

I guess I’ve acted jealous before, with Camille and that dinner of theirs… But I think when he explained it to me I took it nicely and I showed him I could be rational… Plus, does that give him the excuse to just hide things from me?

Last night he told me he loved me. I gotta focus on that. This Sarah Hampstead can text him all she wants, he loves me. He said it last night.

I forgot my clothes on my overnight bag so I make my way outside the bathroom wrapped in a towel and try not to make much noise but the moment I open the door I realize Harry’s not on the bed. I put on clean underwear and my clothes for the day and find him in the kitchen.

He’s wearing thick grey sweatpants and a white cotton long sleeve shirt and looks so cosy my frustration leaves my body through my pores. He grins when he tilts his neck and looks at me.

“Good morning.”

He keeps making breakfast. What is he doing? Is there no good morning kiss?

“I’m feeling like fruit and yoghurt. What do you want?”

“Fruit and yoghurt sounds good.”

“Guay.” He smiles.

Alright, so this is what we’re doing. Then I’m starting the conversation.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Very much so.” He smiles but his green eyes signal for me to have a seat. “And you?”

I nod.

“Take a seat, love.” He chuckles.

I walk towards my usual stool on his breakfast bar and sit down in front of him. I add some sugar to the coffee he gently prepared for me but my eyes don’t leave him. He frowns as he munches on his apple.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Okay, he doesn’t remember what he said last night. That or he’s messing with me. Or worse, he regrets it.

“Do you remember how you fell asleep?”

“With my eyes closed.”

“So you don’t.”

“You also asked me to help you put the cover over us” he says “and I did.”

“Right.”

I took a spoonful of yoghurt with pieces of kiwi and apple and fill my mouth. Either he doesn’t remember or he regrets saying it and now it’s playing dumb. Maybe the sex was so good he got confused or maybe I dreamt it. I guess it’s okay if I fell first… Even though maybe he doesn’t fall at all.

“What do you wanna do today?” He asks.

I look up at him and search for the lie on his green eyes. Did he not check his phone or does he not want to go to the Kings of Leon concert?

“What’s going on with you today? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I might have plans.”

“What do you mean you might? Do you or do you not?”

“I mean I might spend the day with my mum.”

“Oh, okay.”

We eat in silence. I might spend the day with my mum for real. I’m planning on going to my dad’s next week during the uni break to study for the finals so it’d be good to spend some quality time with my mum before I leave.

“I’m sure you can find something to do.”

He looks into my eyes.

“Alright, what is it?”

“What’s what?”

“Why are you mad?”

“I’m not mad.”

He sighs but his eyes don’t leave me.

“I just mean that you can… Go out with some friends or friend, if you want, and that’s fine.”

“I know it’s fine. Are you worried that I’m going to stay here crying if you leave or what? I can call Adam if that’d make you happy.”

“He’s got plans with Marie.”

“Right.” He has a sip of his coffee. “Well, it’s a good thing I don’t need a babysitter.”

“You could do something with another friend.”

“Yes, I could.”

“Guay.” I shrug.

He narrows his eyes at me.

“All I meant is I understand that people want you around, that they appreciate your presence, you know? It’s nice.”

“Why?”

I look up into his eyes again. His hands are intertwined before him as if he was waiting for my answer.

“Because you’re fun and a good person and a good friend. I think it makes sense that people from your environment want you around.”

“Is that what you think?”

I nod.

“Why?”

“I’ve told you. To me, being with you is… easy and nice.”

“Why?”

Again? He sounds like a three-years-old. I don’t know what he wants me to tell him.

“I guess because of the way you treat me. You’re gentle and caring and kind…”

He lets go of his own hands and covers his mouth with one of them but his eyes give him away. He’s trying to hide a smile. I don’t think I’m saying anything funny. He shuts his eyes and when he opens them, he takes his hand off his face and looks at me with affection and amusement.

“Am I your second boyfriend?” He asks.

My blood freezes on my veins. Please, God, don’t let him ask me about Dylan.

“No.”

He raises his eyebrows questioningly.

“What does it matter?”

“I’m just trying to understand something.”

“Third.”

He nods.

“What happened with the second?”

Thank, God. At least he knows Dylan is not a light conversation. I look down. I have never really told him about Javier and I don’t think I want to.

“He wasn’t a good guy.”

I see concern flashing on his eyes.

“What does that mean?”

What a silly guy.

“Did he hurt you?”

I look away from him and his hand rests over mine. He understood I don’t want to talk about him.

“I’m sorry, Blue. How old were you?”

“20.”

He nods.

“What about sex?”

“What about it?”

He rolls his eyes but smiles.

“Have you slept with many people before me?”

“Less than you, that’s for sure.”

His jaw clenches slightly but he doesn’t take his hand away from mine. Come on, Blue, remember you did not want to be harsh to him.

“Three.”

Harry’s eyebrows raise and his neck moves forward. He’s so silly, he’s making me embarrassed.

“Just us three?”

“Yes, is there a problem?”

“No, baby, three is fine.” His thumb caresses the back of my hand. “So I was the first guy you had casual sex with?”

“Yes.”

He hums.

“Are you done with your interrogation?”

“Yes.” He nods. “And, baby, whatever the second guy did to you, he’s crazy because you have to be insane to let you go.”

“It’s not easy to be with me.”

“Oh, I know.”

“No, you don’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

I stop myself from shivering. Can I tell him? Can I fully ruin the morning by telling him I was in love when Dylan died and that’s not going to change? Because then he will feel like I’m only with him because Dylan is not here and that’s mostly true and then he’d leave me because he must know he deserves better.

“I…. I….” I love you, but Dylan will always have a place in my heart. “I can be very harsh.”

He smirks but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I know that.” He tilts his neck. “But when you’re not, you’re funny and smart and unique. You’re lovely here” he taps my forehead with his index finger “here” he taps my heart “and your whole body is fucking lovely too, baby. Just own it.”

“Do you really think that?”

“I don’t think that, I know so and it’s a little sad that it takes a random guy like me to tell you for you to see that.”

“You’re not a random guy.”

He smiles.

“Well, have fun with your mum today then. Next week-” He starts but I cut him short.

“I’m going to my dad’s next week.”

His expression changes and he uses the napkin to clean his mouth but he did it mindlessly for his mouth was already cleaned. That has me thinking.

“But what happens next week?”

“No, nothing.” He smirks.

I give him a look letting him know I am not buying it and he clears his throat.

“It’s just… I knew you were on holidays and I had some days off that I haven’t taken because of my addiction to work” he jokes “so I thought in order to show you that we are making progress and also to spend some time together, I could take some days off next week and… We could do something. But it’s okay, you’re going to visit your dad and I should have probably told you sooner.”

My heart swoons. He used his days off for me. He might not remember what he said last night or he might even want to take it back but this is what someone who really does love spending time with me would do. The next thing I say, I say it in a frenzy, in a love rage, even before I can process it.

“Come with me.”

His green eyes set on me as he considers my invitation. I feel embarrassment flooding my cheeks and my neck.

“To Capitol?”

“Yes, have you ever been?”

“I have not.”

I could have guess it.

“So you’ve travelled all around and you’ve never been to one of the most beautiful cities in the country?”

He smirks.

“Well, I should decide whether that’s true, don’t you think?”

“So you’re coming?”

He weights his options looking at me but suddenly his expression falls into one of disbelief.

“Don’t invite me out of pity, Blue.”

I frown and my eyes narrow. Is that really what he thinks of me?

“I didn’t invite you out of pity. I invited you because I want to spend those days with you. I’m so happy you finally decided to get holidays like the rest of people and the fact that you wanna spend them with me only makes my heart flutter so are you coming?”

My confession makes him smile again and I smile foolishly back at him. The way his dimple forms on his left cheek even before his teeth are shown sweetens my mood and my blood.

“Are you sure?”

I nod.

“What are you gonna tell your dad?”

“The truth. I don’t lie.”

He hums as he tilts his neck and raises an eyebrow, calling my statement into question and I shake my head weirdly amused.

“I got a train ticket for Wednesday morning, do I get another one? Or do I cancel mine and you drive us? It’s a little less than 4 hours away.”

He’s going to say yes, I can tell, I can see it on his face; how is eyes have a sparkle about them and his smile reaches them. He’s loving this. His expressions always give him away. He’s an opened book.

“I don’t mind. We can drive.”

We both grin.

We decide to spend the morning together before I go have lunch with my mum. I might invite him to that as well. Mum might get jealous if she knows Harry’s gonna be spending a few days at dad’s and she only got a dinner. Harry’s on his closest, picking his clothes for the day I guess when I call my dad.

“Hey, dad.”

“Hey, Berry. What’s up?”

“Hi, I was just calling to ask you… Would you mind if I bring someone along on Wednesday?”

“Not at all, honey. Is Jason coming back?”

“No, it’s not Jason.”

“Ollie then? Marie?”

“No, it’s a… It’s a guy.”

“Oh!” I shake my head at how thrilled my dad sounds and the way Harry looks at my with a side smirk. “A guy! That’s great, Berry. Is he a special guy?”

“Yes, dad, he is. He’s my boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend.” He repeats.

“Yeah, okay, so you’re gonna pretend you didn’t figure that out after the wedding photos I sent you. You don’t go to a wedding with just anyone, dad.”

As Harry makes his way to the bathroom, he walks past me and slaps my ass cheek loud enough so that my dad can hear it and I jump.

“What was that, honey?”

“Uh… It was just… Uh… My notes. That fell. On the floor. Because I’m tidying up.”

Harry looks at me and silently chuckles and I shake my head and swat his arm playfully whilst he walks to the bathroom.

“Oh, okay, darling. Well, thanks for calling and don’t worry about anything, I’ll make sure everything’s ready. Why don’t you text me what food he likes so I keep that in mind when doing the groceries?”

“Well, he’s not picky, dad. I think he’d eat anything.”

“Good then I’ll cook my special rice. I can’t wait to see you!”

“Me neither.” I chuckle. “Bye, dad, love you.”

“Bye, Berry, love you too.”

While Harry’s in the shower, I pick up my clothes from last night and kept them on my overnight bag and make his bed. I try not to think about how crazy we both are. Last night he told me he loved me and this morning I found out that Hampstead is a girl and he acted like he didn’t say anything last night and interrogated me and then I invited him along to my dad’s. In Capitol. Where I met Dylan.

I think I’m going to faint.

I go on The Golden Girls group chat searching for counselling.

Indie: Are you guys awake????

Jason: Yes, everything okay?

Ollie: Awake and ready to listen.

I guess Marie’s busy. Well, these two would do.

Indie: Hampstead is a girl.

Jason: Who the fuck is Hampstead?

Ollie: She’s an anaesthesiologist who works with Mario and Harry.

Indie: Has Mario ever mentioned her to you?

Ollie: I don’t know. I guess he might have.

Jason: What happened with her???

Indie: I know this is bad guys

Indie: But this morning when I woke up she had texted Harry

Indie: And I didn’t purposefully read his texts but they just pop on his lock screen and I couldn’t help it

Indie: I mean I read them unintentionally

Jason: Just stop excusing yourself and tell us what happened

Indie: She invited him to a concert tonight

Indie: And she said “last week was fun!”

Ollie: Wasn’t Harry on that congress thing?

Jason: Shit

Ollie: Stop it. Don’t listen to JJ, he’s a jealous freak.

Ollie’s typing… And I try not to freak out at Jason’s assumption. She is right. Jason is the jealous type. That’s why I need Ollie’s point of view.

Ollie: I mean they work together. Probably they just went to the congress together too. It’s normal.

Jason: Yeah but why the fuck would she text him that it was fun on a Saturday morning? Like days after? She clearly was trying to initiate a conversation.

Ollie: Who cares about her intentions?

Indie: The thing is Harry’s never mentioned her to me

Indie: And he always picks up her calls even when she calls at like 11 pm on a Friday or worse like on AM on Saturday morning like what the fuck?

Indie: And we have even fought over her calls and he’s picked up.

Ollie’s typing… Jason’s typing…

Jason: I just searched her on Facebook. You’re prettier.

I smile at his attempt.

Ollie: Talk to him.

It’s Ollie’s words that have me thinking. Talk to him. So she thinks there’s something to talk about. And Ollie’s laidback and she is not one bit jealous but she also found it weird. Shit.

Harry’s phone rings and my eyes inevitably search the screen. It’s from the hospital.

“Baby!” Harry yells from the bathroom. “Can you see who’s calling?”

“It’s from the hospital.” I let him know.

“Fuck” the shower stops “can you pick up and tell them to hold on a sec?”

“Sure.”

I pick up the call and bring his phone to my ear.

“Hi, Harry will be with you in a second. He asked me to tell you to please hold on.”

“Uh…” A female voice answers. “Excuse me, who are you?”

“I’m…” I cover the microphone with my hand and talk to Harry “she asked me who I am.”

“Well, tell her.” He laughs. “Who is she?”

“I’m his girlfriend. He asks who are you?”

“His girlfriend?” She sounds surprised. “Oh, I… I didn’t know he…”

“He’s here.” I cut her short.

Harry is smiling when he brings the phone to his ear.

“Hi, sorry, I was in the shower.” He listens. “Oh, hi, Hampstead. What’s up?” He listens.

So Hampstead. What a surprise! And she didn’t know he had a girlfriend, of course.

“Uh… I think that was Danny. I didn’t work yesterday so I am not sure. You should probably ask him. I think he’s on call so send a message to his pager.” He nods as if Hampstead could see him. “Yeah, no problem. Bye, Hampstead. Have a nice day.”

I scroll senseless shit on Twitter so I don’t snap at him. I need to calm down. I need to control this fucking oppressive feeling on my chest but my mind is racing.

Why did he not tell me about her? I think they must be friends or at least friendly if she thinks it’s okay to call him when he’s off duty, especially when freaking professor Gibbins is on call and is the one signing that patients’ paperwork. And he even gives explanations on why he doesn’t pick up on the first tone when he’s off duty. I was in the shower… What do you care?

And why did he not tell her about me? I mean, even Jason could tell her intentions with a single text. I’m guessing it’s a lot more obvious on a day to day basis… And Harry didn’t catch up with that? Why did he never just casually mention he had a girlfriend? He doesn’t even have to tell her about me, just about the roll. Just to have her know that there’s someone sleeping in his bed already.

We haven’t talked much on our stroll along the park behind his apartment. It’s a nice park, with lots of green and trees and wide white stones path for people to stroll like us, or go for a run or walk the dogs. We’ve past some families too. Dads and Mums playing with their children on the grass and I’ve seen Harry staring at them with a hard expression.

I don’t know what’s going on through his mind but he seems to be as pensive as I am. Maybe he’s thinking about Hampstead too.

“Uh, I did tell doctor Hampstead I’m your girlfriend” I say out of the blue “just so you know.”

He tilts his neck to look at me with a confused expression.

“You did?”

“Yeah.” I frown too. “I mean I did tell you she asked me who I was and you said to tell her.”

“Yeah, no, I know what I said.”

I hum and look away.

“Wait, is that what you’ve been thinking about?”

I look at him.

“Is it not what you’ve been thinking about?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “Hampstead called in the morning, she had a doubt about a patient I couldn’t answer and then I hang up. That’s all the thought I’ve given it.” He chuckles.

“She could have called Professor Gibbins… Specially if he was on call… And still she called you.”

Harry frowns as if he wasn’t following me. I sigh.

“She sounded surprised when I let her know I was your girlfriend.”

“Are you serious?” His tone sounds surprised at the realization.

Calm down, Indie. Don’t talk to him in a way you’ll regret, don’t talk in a way you’ll regret. I count to tent in my head. 1, 2, 3, 4…

“Are you jealous?”

I take a deep breath. 1, 2, 3, 4…

“Blue, talk to me.”

“I’m counting to ten.”

“Are you really that mad?”

“I’m not mad.” I stop him right there. “I just feel stupid.”

“Why?”

“Because”

I’m about to tell him last night he said he loved me and… For a second I thought it was true because I love him too but then… This fucking whole Hampstead thing, I just… I am embarrassed that I am more invested in this than he is and I don’t want him to know that.

“Listen, you just never mentioned her despite all the times you’ve talked to me about work and she calls you at very weird times to be work related and… I mean she’s… Pretty.”

“How do you know that?”

He’s not denying it. Sometimes his sincerity is too much. I guess it would have raged me if he had denied it but knowing he thinks she’s pretty doesn’t help my jealous fit.

“That’s what matters? Of everything I said.”

“It kind of does.” He tilts his neck.

“I saw her.” I lie. “On Facebook.” I decide not to.

“When?”

“This morning.” Later on, I will analyse this and realize I’m getting defensive but for now all I feel is my shoulders tensing up and my honour being harmed. “And I saw a picture of you two together having a drink on Tuesday night when you were supposed to be on that congress.”

“Supposed to be?” His eyebrows raised on his forehead. “Excuse me but can I not have a drink with whoever the fuck I want?”

“Yes, of course, that’s not what I’m saying!”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying you’ve kept this from me for no reason. I mean why didn’t you tell me?”

“So you think just because I didn’t tell you that means I- what? Cheated on you?”

I don’t answer him and his lips part.

“I can’t believe you.” He sighs. “The only reason I didn’t tell her about you is the same reason why I don’t tell anyone at work about you and it’s because you don’t want me to.”

My mouth shuts and my lips purse on a thin line.

“She’s a colleague, just like any other person working with me and I haven’t told you about her because well, there’s not much to tell. She’s just a first year Anaesthesia resident and she’s a bit lost likewise I was when I was a first-year resident and likewise you will be when you are on your first year of residency. So I remember what it was like to be scared, not to know what to do and… She reminded me of you and… That’s why I help her.”

My brain is working a mile per hour and it’s hard for me to catch any thought with how fast they just pass and go.

“So what you’re saying is I have no reason to be jealous.”

“Of course, you don’t.”

“Okay, then why didn’t you tell me that she invited you to a Kings of Leon’s concert tonight?”

Every sign of frustration is removed from his expression and instead he looks at me stern but expressionless or at least I don’t know how to read this.

“You read my texts?”

I shut my eyes.

“I didn’t purposefully read them, they just pop in your screen and don’t give me that because we both know you’ve stuck your nose on my texts before.”

“I have never gone through your phone.”

“Oh, no, I know, I wouldn’t be here if you had.”

“But you get to do it?”

“I didn’t! I didn’t even pick it up! It was just there! And it popped, I couldn’t.. I mean I had just woken up, I truly read them without thinking, I would never purposefully go through your phone.”

“Okay, okay” His hands move in the air to stop my rambling. I think he believes me. “And the fact that I don’t even have my messages hidden, doesn’t make you think that I have nothing to hide? I mean I could have them and, by the way, that would be perfectly legit and wouldn’t even mean anything but you’re saying it- they were right there. It’s not a secret.”

“Then why are you not going?” I challenge him. “Kings of Leon are awesome.”

“Would you like it if I went?” He challenges me back.

“This is not about what I want, what I want doesn’t matter here. This is about you. If she’s just a friend and I have no reason to be jealous, then why won’t you go?”

He takes a deep breath and rest his hand on his hip. Now it’s him who’s counting to ten.

“She is just someone I work with to me but-” He raises his eyebrows before he unlashes the beast “I am not an idiot and… I don’t want to give her the wrong impression.”

“Was it that hard to acknowledge that?” I ask him.

“Was it that hard for you not to assume the worst of me without even talking to me? You always do this, Blue. I mean I already knew you thought I was a junkie but now also a cheater?”

Wow, that was low. So he’s going to through that at my face. I already apologized and he knows how terrible I feel about that and now he’s using that against me? I feel a lump on my throat and try to swallow it so I can speak.

“I… You know how much I regret that.”

“Yeah, well, maybe other than regretting it you should stop doing it. Why can’t you just trust me?”

I frown and look down at his feet.

“Last night” I start “you… and I…”

“I knew you would do this.” He cuts me halfway. “I knew that you were going to pick a fight because you got scared last night but… I’m tired of you using me as your punching-ball, Blue. You unleash all your frustrations on me and I thought I could take it, you know, but… I don’t want to… I’m tired of waiting for you.”

“Waiting for what?”

His words hurt me. Deeply. But I try my best to hold my tears at bay. I don’t want him to see me crying, especially because I don’t want him to stay if he doesn’t want to but he just confirmed every fear I’ve had lately. I am toxic. I am bad for him. I am hurting him and he doesn’t want me.

“For you to open up and let me in and trust me but you don’t and… It hurts, Blue… Uh… I think it’s best if we take a little break…”

“No, Harry! I- I’m sorry.”

I wipe my tears as I keep trying not to cry but this is happening. He’s finally doing what he has to do and yet I don’t want him to. I knew this would happen but I thought… I was trying very hard to let him in.

“Please, don’t cry.” He sighs. “This is how you fix everything. You hurt me and then you cry and I forgive you and when I scare you, you do it again but I… Maybe I’m asking too much of you, I’m not saying this is all your fault. I just thought I didn’t need you to feel the same way I did, I thought I could just… Maybe you’re not ready and… I think you have to work on some things before you are.”

“Harry, please… I… I…” My eyes search his and I can tell then that he is indeed waiting, like he said he was and it’s out of respect that I don’t say it.

“What? You what?”

I know what he wants to hear. He’s been wanting to hear it since this morning. He remembers what he said last night, he was just looking for my reciprocation, but I won’t do this to him. I won’t tell him I love him because I’m afraid of losing him.

“I think you’re right.”

I see the air leaving his chest and I feel a punch on my throat when I see the pain in his eyes. If this is what he wants, then why does he not look happy? Oh, right, it’s because I am that toxic to him. I am no good for him but he doesn’t want to let me go because I have become that toxic person that gives him just enough for him to stick around but not what he deserves.

He wants all from me. He told me last night, but I can’t give it to him. I just can’t. Jason’s words swirl around inside my mind and laugh at me. D’you think any other person would have stick around long enough…? He doesn’t deserve this and I love him, I do. But that’s why I’m letting him go.

I don’t even remember how the goodbye was or when he left or if I was the one who did but after crying my eyes out like a dramatic widow sitting on one of the benches of the park, I manage to get my phone out to ask for the girls.

Coco: Dad told me Harry is going with you to Capitol this week so I’m going too :)

How can something happen so suddenly? He was happy to be going to my dad’s this morning and two hours later he just breaks up with me?

The Golden Girls group chat has also been active.

Marie: Let us know when you talk to him!

Ollie: How did it go?

Jason: Bet they’re fucking.

Marie: Jason!

Indie: Can we meet?

Jason’s calling me.

“Fuck, Indie, where are you? I’ll pick you up.”

“We broke up.” I cry.

“Fuck. Send me your location.”

I do and I wait. This reminds me of that time I picked him up in the middle of nowhere after David Dick abandoned him like a dog. Only this time, I’m the bad guy.

I am terrible person and I don’t know what else to do. Maybe I am destined to be alone and maybe that’s not a bad thing. After all, the whole problem was falling in love because then I will be leaving Dylan behind and I know people don’t understand but people haven’t lost the love of their lives. It’s not a fucking easy thing.

But still, Harry doesn’t deserve that I unleash all my frustrations on him like he said I do because he’s right, I do that. I do that all the time and I treat him like shit because I don’t want him to treat me as someone I’m not. I don’t want him to think I’m this lovely person who deserves to be loved because I’m not. I’m the girl who let her boyfriend died.

That’s yet another thing people don’t understand. But Dylan was begging for help. That’s why he kept smoking and that’s why he had thrown his entire life away. It was his way of letting us know he wasn’t okay and instead of supporting him or loving him I just… I kept fighting him and telling him he needed to stop and… I wasn’t what he needed me to be. I failed him. And then he died. And I will never live past that.

The emergency lights of Jason’s car attract my attention and I get on the car and rest my head on the back of the passenger seat. He drives to the girls’ apartment and we make our way inside in silence.

The girls are sitting on the couch with a worried expression on their faces.

“It’s not what you think.” I start. “It had nothing to do with her.”

“Then what the fuck happened?” Ollie frowns.

So I tell them. I tell them about my confrontation and I tell them what he said and I tell them I agree and Jason says then you didn’t break up and I just look into his eyes because we both know that’s not true.

“But what did you tell him?” Marie asks. “I mean when he said all those things about you not being ready and all that? What did you say?”

I shake my head.

“Nothing.”

“Why?”

“Because I think he’s right.”

“He’s not.” Olivia frowns.

I can tell she is angry. No, she’s furious. I’m not used to this reaction from her. Usually, she’s the one who keeps calm and manages to calm us down. Marie is the one who gets mad, she’s the protective one. So to see Ollie like this is new to me.

“He’s fucking not.” She almost yells. “I mean are you kidding me? He knows what happened to you! He knows and he still didn’t tell you he had had an accident himself! And he chose not to tell you that sometimes he smokes weed when he knew that’s why Dylan died.”

Jason’s mouth opens but he doesn’t have time to say anything for Olivia’s palm rests in the air before him as a sign of stop.

“I don’t think it takes a detective to imagine that Indie might have some issues with weed.” She says through clenched teeth. “And you still listened to him and you forgave him and he fucking decided to still break up with you and now you get jealous, once, and he throws all that at you? I seriously can’t believe him! He’s turning you into this monster and you’re believing it and you’re not!”

I frown concern and surprised when she starts crying. Marie’s hand rests on her shoulder as we all remain silent and she just wipes her tears away.

“No, this is not about me.” She sniffs. “It’s just… I’m tired of seeing you like this, Indie. I’m tired of having you thinking everything is your responsibility and I think you’ve had enough! Fuck! And I’m mad because… You… You lost your fucking boyfriend and you would think he would understand some shit is fucking hard for you and instead here I have my friend crying in my house because this fucking selfish idiot made her feel as if she was some cruel person… You’re not.”

Olivia rests her back against the cushions of the couch and takes a deep breath. She sobs a little more and I find myself pouting as I stare at her.

“When Jack left me for Dulce, you were there for me. When my parents got a divorce, you were there for me. When my brother had the accident, you were there for me.” Her voice croaks again. “And every time Marie’s been sad, you’ve just left everything to come be with her and when David dumped Jason in the fucking highway, who did he call?”

Now I’m crying too and so is Marie.

“So no, I won’t have the best person I know thinking she’s a monster.”

I hug her and we both cry and only when we’ve calmed down, I call my Mum and tell her I’m having lunch with the girls. I promise her tea and biscuits. Selfishly needing some Mum-daughter time too.

After lunch, Ollie falls asleep on the couch halfway through the movie and when it ends, I catch Jason staring at her with a tender smile on his lips.

“She’s fierce, that one.” He whispers.

“Thank God she didn’t have Harry at hands’ reach.” Marie adds.

I giggle softly.

“I know, I wasn’t expecting that.”

Jason’s eyes set on mine and I know he’s trying to read my mind. I let him.

“I think they’re both right.” Jason whispers.

I frown.

“She doesn’t know what we talked about just yesterday.” He reasons. “Maybe if she knew, she wouldn’t have been so hard on him.”

“What did you talk about yesterday?”

“I… I told Jason I felt terrible for the way I treated Harry sometimes. I know it’s just self-destructive shit. I hate doing it but I do and I’ve ended up hurting him. I mean he was right about that pattern he figured out. I do get scare and then push him away and then I regret it so he forgives me and we start all over again.”

“Do you really think you’re bad for him?” Marie whispers.

I look ahead. I think yes. We’ve fought a lot of times. Love is not supposed to be so hard. I think that’s the idea that’s been passed through generations because of Wuthering Heights or Pride and Prejudice but I don’t think that’s what love is. Love should be like loving a brother or a mother. It shouldn’t hurt, it shouldn’t bring more pain than happiness.

“Adam says he thinks you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Harry.” She tells me. “He says he hasn’t seen Harry this happy since before the accident and that he can see the old Harry coming back. When he said that, I thought the same thing was true for you. I can see you, really, fully happy sometimes. So, as much as I was against you two at the beginning, I cannot agree with you on this.”

“We had a fight at your beach house. There I accused him of being an addict and he said he was an addict, but not to weed.” I nod my head. “Now, if this was some sort of toxic love movie, I would be thrilled that he said that but I’m not. I don’t want him to be addicted to me because addictions are not healthy.”

“I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean it like that.” Jason says.

“He did.” I assure him. “We fight too much.”

“You’re a girl who lost her boyfriend and who thinks she doesn’t deserve to fall in love again and he’s a guy who thinks he ruins his sister’s life and put her on a wheelchair so he also thinks he doesn’t deserve love. Why do you think you fight?”

“See? We’re not good for one another.”

“I beg to differ.”

“So if you don’t want that, what do you want?” Marie asks.

“I just want him to be happy.” I shrug. “He’s genuinely good and I don’t want to hurt him.”

Both Jason and Marie smile but I frown.

“He turns you into such a softie. You really like him.” Marie smiles.

“Of course, I do.”

She smiles.

“He told me he loved me last night.” I confess and both my friends grin and get closer to me. “This morning I thought he didn’t even remember but he just thought that it was going to scare me so he didn’t mention it. He did give me a lot of opportunities to tell him myself so I guess he was just finding out if I felt the same.”

“Well, do you?” Marie asks.

“What does it matter now? He doesn’t want me.”

“There’s no way he loves you on Friday night and doesn’t want you on Saturday morning. That’s not how love works.”

I shrug.

“It’s not the same, you can love someone and still don’t want them.”

“You’re head over heels in love with him like a bitch.” Jason states as if he had just realized that.

I sigh.

I don’t deny it.

Yes, I am.

I am head over heels in love with Harry.

#harry styles imagine #harry styles angst #harry styles blurb #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagines #harry styles fluff #harry styles and reader #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles #harry styles new

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mrslackles · 4 years

Text

The Right to Remain Silent

Summary: Beth's FBI. Rio's... not.

[A/N: This is an unfinished work that I scrapped but I’m posting because of this tag game. I rounded out writing three of the main parts of the first chapter that I already had mostly done so it would be readable, but like I said, it is most certainly unfinished; there are whole middle chunks missing that I never got around to writing.]

“Ruby, do you think there's any way back once you're a bad person?”

She can almost hear her best friend frown on the other end of the line.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if you've crossed over, do you think it’s possible to find your way back?”

There’s silence for a moment. Then Ruby lets out a breath.

“I… I guess it depends how far you went. How bad what you did is.”

“The worst.” She swallows. “The worst possible everything.”

One week earlier

Beth’s feeling really good about herself.

So good that she’s even considering buying everyone in the office coffee. She thinks she’ll drink hers here, though. At least her first cup. She’s still high off yesterday’s bust and she doesn’t need the humdrum of today spoiling it just yet.

The barista smiles at her, catching her eye, then winks and goes ahead making her usual order.

“Lemme get that for you.”

Beth turns. There’s a guy beside her facing forward, his collar up, but he’s looking at her from the corner of his eye.

She smiles. “That’s not necessary.”

“Oh, but I wanna.”

“No, thank you,” she says more firmly, letting the smile go.

“Oh, c'mon darlin,” he says, voice smooth as honey. “How else’s a guy s’pposed to get a beautiful woman’s attention?”

This gets under her collar then seeps into her bones, sending a shiver down her back. Weird. Weird.

“Well, I'm married.”

She’s still trying to process this – a man hitting on her – when he suddenly turns to face her and, oh.

“Since when has that ever stopped anybody, Elizabeth?”

Her mouth falls open – at his appearance, at the tattoo, at him knowing her name – but he doesn’t give her the chance to speak.

“Sit down.”

There’s no room for arguing in his tone, face stony in an instant, and she follows him to a table with her heart fluttering in her throat. There’s a cat-like fluidity to the way he walks and she takes this in analytically before sitting, back straight.

She folds her hands into her lap, trying to shake off the surprise.

“What gang are you affiliated with?”

“Shit, first you don't want me to buy you a drink now you wanna take down my pants?”

There’s something about him – the lewdness? His smirk? The way he takes her in with gleaming eyes? – that unnerves her, but she tells herself it’s still just the shock letting it all get to her.

“How did you find me?”

He sits back in his seat, folding his hands; almost mocking her own posture.

“You raided a warehouse of mine yesterday.”

God. She clears her throat.

“You want your money back?”

She’d caught the line of his gun beneath his jacket; is slowly trying to survey the café to figure out if he’s alone.

“Naw. See, you asked how I found you,” he points at her.

“So then what do you want?”

Now he leans onto the table, steepling his fingers.

“Your hubby, he ain’t a real stand-up guy, huh?” He makes as if to give her a chance to speak then barrels right ahead. “Fucked around on you then getting himself into debt with some real rough guys.”

Breathe, Beth. Breathe.

“What are you talking about?”

He seems amused – he knows more than her and he’s relishing it.

“He been real flush lately?”

And she wants to say no instantly, but – he’d suddenly paid for the house after they’d been struggling to make the payment. He’d said he’d sold a car, but…

“You’re trying to bribe me,” she says, voice tinny.

“Nah,” he scoffs, laughing like she’s told a joke. “I’m tryna keep the limbs on all your loved ones. Y’know, they’re called loan sharks for a reason.”

Her hands are no longer folded, wringing each other.

“H-how are you going to do that?”

He shrugs cavalierly. “You need money, I got lots of it. We could be friends, and I like helping out my friends.”

He watches her, waiting, but she doesn’t react; doesn’t respond. She’s frozen, too stunned by this influx of information; this situation.

Not only had Dean torn their family apart, he’d also put them in danger? And she’d left her children with him to take this assignment; to get away. And now her babies could end up being collateral in more ways than just that one.

“Your hubby’s in the hole for ten grand,” he informs her, leaning over the table a little. “So I’m thinkin… a cool thirty gees?”

She stares.

“You’re going to pay me thirty thousand dollars for doing nothing?”

“Naw, darlin; nothin’s for nothin.”

“So what do you want?”

“Colleague of yours, an agent… Donnegan?” She nods and he continues: “Had a drug bust a week ago. My intel says the pills are still in your evidence room – I got a third party who’s real interested.”

“You’re insane.”

He grins, delighted, as if this is a compliment.

She shakes her head. “I can’t just take evidence, that’s not how things work!”

He shrugs. “Bat your lashes, sign it out for another ‘investigation’ – whatever it takes. I’m sure you’ll think of somethin.”

Before she can say anything – say whether she’s going to do it – he jumps up, kicking his chair back as he juts a thumb outward.

“That’s my boy, Mick.”

She follows his finger to see a tattooed man standing outside.

“He’s gonna take care of you. Make sure you got the details for the drop; that you all set up for payment.”

And then, with a quick squeeze of her shoulder, he’s gone.

She nearly growls when Dean’s voice finally crackles across the line, greeting cheery.

“Hi, you.”

“Tell me right now and don’t lie to me: did you get money from loan sharks to pay for the house?”

There’s silence for far too long, loaded.

“Bethie, I was going to tell you—”

“Oh my god,” she sucks in a breath.

“But, see, I knew you’d react that way!”

“Because you put our lives in danger! Do you know what those people do to the families of people who don’t pay them?”

“I know this all seems really scary, but it’s not as bad as it sounds.”

He’s always done that. She’s been a cop for years and he still makes it sound like she’s a little girl who isn’t capable of anything.

Even Bethie – she’s started hating how he’s always babied her name.

“What’s not as bad as it sounds, Dean?” she humours him.

“These aren’t the guys you’re used to, these are good guys.”

“They’re loan sharks.”

“No! Well… yeah. But they were really worried about our situation and so understanding when I couldn’t pay last month—”

“Oh my god, we’re already behind?”

“Beth. Bethie. I’m going to take care of it, ok?”

“No.”

She looks up from the floor to the evidence locker.

“I am.”

[Beth does the drop, gets paid then is forced into having dinner with Rio, after which he drives her to where she’s staying and invites himself inside]

Rio walks around, inspecting the place as she stands frozen by the entrance-way table.

“You have guys around?”

“I told you I was married.”

He turns back to meet her eyes.

“And I told you I know he's a dirtbag.”

“And that gives me permission to sleep around?”

His lip quirks up a little.

“Kinda does, yeah.”

“Well, I’m not that kind of person.”

“And what kinda person is that?”

“Vows mean something to me.”

“Like the one to serve and protect your country?”

And this jerks down her back, just like he wanted it to. He’s smirking and she’s driven forward, seething.

“So this is what you do? You recruit people, pay them, come and scope out their homes for when you need to intimidate them later?”

She wants to take him down a notch, wants to figure out how to get under his skin too, but he doesn’t seem bothered by her tone.

“Naw, house calls ain’t usually my thing.”

“So then what are you still doing here?”

He’s looking at her strangely, shoulders jerking as he comes closer.

“If you wanna know what I’m doing here, Elizabeth, you gotta stop thinking like a cop and start thinking like—”

“A criminal?” she snickers. “Quantico already taught me that lesson, but thanks.”

He smiles, eyes gleaming.

“…A woman.”

And now the shiver down her back is different – but it’s half anger. Is this why he’s here; is that why her? Because he’d wanted to sleep with her?

“Why did you choose me?”

It’s maybe the first thing she’s said all night that seems to throw him.

“’Scuse me?”

“Mick told me that there were other options – better options – but you chose me.”

“He’s got some loose lips this week.”

She folds her arms.

“Why?”

He stares back at her, seemingly conflicted, then backs up to lean against the table.

She waits and it’s a long few seconds before he finally speaks.

“I was there the day of your bust. Was rollin by to check on shit, y’know. But then I saw what was goin on and pulled ’round to the west side of the building.” He hesitates, eyes on the floor. “Saw you.”

He says this like it’s supposed to explain exactly what he means, but she shakes her head in confusion.

“Ok…”

Now he looks up, though not quite at her.

“While you was havin your… personal moment.”

Oh, god.

Everything had suddenly hit her – what Dean had done, how much she’s missing her children and the girls – and she’d had to excuse herself for a few moments.

But she tries not to cower; not to show how endlessly humiliated she is.

“So you chose me because you saw me cry on the job?”

Rio blinks slowly, thoughtfully. He swallows.

And when he speaks, it’s soft; nearly inaudible.

“I chose you ’cuz it looked like you needed choosing.”

And she should breathe, should force air into her lungs, but instead -- instead she finds herself stepping closer.

She doesn’t breathe, doesn’t think, as her legs brush against his.

His eyes are on her, warm and wanting – god, when last has anyone looked at her like this?

She’s frozen now, has gone as far as she can, and he straightens up. Then his hand is slipping past her hair to cup her face, angle it up to his. And he’s so warm and she shouldn’t be doing this, but she can’t think to stop; can’t remember why she should be running in the other direction.

When he kisses her, it’s soft. Softer than it should be; softer than he should be. It makes her gasp a little and then she’s pressing closer, kissing him back harder because it feels so right even though it’s all so wrong, wrong, wrong.

She whimpers as his tongue slips past her lips and then his hands are on her hips and before she knows it, he’s spinning them around, lifting her up onto the table, and by the time her legs are spread around his hips, she’s forgotten every vow she’s ever taken.

Rio sips at the bottle of water.

From her pillow she watches the inked bird bob with his Adam’s apple.

Then her eyes go to the tattoos at the back of his arms. Angry red scratches run down them, a reminder of her that he’ll take home tonight.

“I like this place.”

Her eyebrow rises in surprise.

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he nods, “looks like a criminal hideout. Doesn't suit you.”

She doesn’t know if this is an insult or a compliment but follows his gaze to survey the huge industrial space.

“Well, it's nothing like my house, that's for sure.”

Sitting up in bed, she wraps her arms around her knees with a sad little breath.

“Every time I think about it, I like this place a little more.”

“That why you volunteer for it?” He looks amused by her visible surprise. “Might not know much about coppers, but I know nobody of your rank's stayin in a dump like this against their will.”

She stares at him for a moment, weighing up the cost of the truth, then looks away.

“I took it because I wanted to punish myself,” she admits quietly. “You know, no creature comforts.”

Not while her children are without her; are robbed of their mother, who’d willingly taken herself away.

“But then I realised I feel more comfortable here than the home I left.”

He watches her for a moment too long before snickering in a way that comes out more forced than he probably intends.

“That's real damn sad.”

“Yeah.”

What more is there to say? Especially to him, of all people?

“I'm really tired.”

She moves the sheet higher up onto her chest in what she hopes he’ll take as a hint. There isn’t going to be a second round tonight, not like normal. Things had gotten too personal and that’s not what this is. Although she still has no idea what it is.

He sniffs in some kind of amusement.

“That a lifelong habit?”

“What habit?” she asks sharply, looking back at him.

He’s up, beginning to dress.

“Only openin up to people you know ain't stayin; who you can push away.”

She stares back, surprised. Offended.

“That's not what I'm doing.”

“Ain't it?” He stands from putting on his shoes to regard her. “Ain't that why you kissed me back to begin with?”

“No.”

He smiles a little.

“You should be a better liar, Special Agent Boland.” He pulls on his t-shirt then shrugs, grabbing his jacket. “But it's cool.”

He’s ready to leave, expression filled with his signature brand of guarded amusement.

“...Takes one to know one.”

#Brio #Brio fanfiction #NBC Good Girls #my writing #one from the drafts #scrapped drafts lol

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darth-void · 4 years

Text

On the Streets of Coruscant

Chapter 1

AN: Well, I guess there was actually interest in having me post this on tumblr!

I originally posted this to AO3 if you prefer to read it there (or want to give me comments & kudos, that would be much appreciated)

Rated: G; No warnings, just first encounter; pre-episode I

Words: 1,767

Chapter 2

You had decided to make a stop at a market for the last ingredients you needed for dinner that night. Work at the senate was as stressful as ever, with your motions for bills getting bogged down in petty squabbling. You definitely haven’t made many friends with your fellow senators trying to get the Jedi under more control under the Republic.

Wanting to put the day's events behind you, you told your security escort that you needed just a little while alone at the market, to let the noise of the public drown out your thoughts.

Finally heading out, you were ready to get back to your apartment and cook this indulgent meal. Luckily, you chose the market within a walkable distance from your place.

Not having your security detail, you were keeping an eye out for suspicious activity around you, trying to stay cautious as an unpopular senator. Looking over your shoulder, from the corner of your eye, you noticed a dark figure move quickly around a corner. You stepped a little faster, holding your bags tight, wishing you had taken the blaster your security captain offered while you were left alone, at least for some peace of mind for the both of you.

You glanced again over your shoulder to try and spot the figure again, not seeing anything until to your right, a fast-moving cloak swished behind a market stall. You started to run, turning down a street on your left, hoping to lose your apparent stalker. Taking quick turns around corners and down alleys, you tried to keep track of where you were going so you wouldn’t get lost. Only a few blocks from the apartment building, you found yourself accidentally turning down a dead end.

You turned around to try another way but found your path blocked by your shrouded pursuer. Fearing for your life, you didn’t know whether to call for help or attempt to fight off the potential attacker. Until another figure stepped out behind them. Somehow without any physical touch, this second mysterious being pushed the first to the wall with such force, they stumbled to the ground with a cry, but then they got up and pulled out a blaster, pointing it at the person. A red glow then emanated from something in the second person’s hand, it looked like a lightsaber. But Jedi only wielded blue or green as far as you knew. This person couldn’t be a Jedi, could they? Whatever they were, they made quick work of your pursuer and swiftly struck them down with a single blow, their body falling into a heap on the ground.

Your savior returned their lightsaber to their belt and turned to you, taking off their hood. Beckoning to you with an extended hand, you started to walk towards them, then faltered at noticing the horns protruding from their head. Hesitantly walking to them, you noticed he was a red and black-skinned Zabrak man, covered in black robes and with piercing yellow eyes.

“Thank you for helping me, I don’t know what to say,” you tell the man, a little awestruck at his overall presence. You couldn’t help yourself from staring, and the man looked away from you to the ground. Was he shy?

“It was nothing, my Lady,” he replied quietly. So reserved for someone seemingly so violent.

To break up the awkward silence, you finally piped up “I would like to repay you in some way, it really means a lot that you helped me. I was going to make some dinner when I got home, would you care to join me?”

He seemed surprised at your request.

“I do not know if I should.”

“What is your name?”

“I am Maul.”

You introduced yourself, extending your hand.

“Please, Maul, I would be happy to cook you dinner. It’s the least I can do after what you have done for me just now.” You don’t know why you were so insistent, but something about him intrigued you.

He thought for a moment, finally looking you in the eye and nodding. Apparently not a very loquacious person.

You looked down, disgusted by the body that lay there, stepping around it. You honestly didn’t feel like reporting it, and no one else seemed to be around to have seen what happened, so you decided to just walk away. Maybe not the best decision to make as a senator for the Republic, but you wanted the whole nasty affair behind you. Maul walked beside you, the two of you in silence as you led the way to your apartment.

Occasionally glancing over at Maul, you notice he seems to wear a perpetual scowl, making you wonder what he was thinking, and if he always looked so mean or if that was just his natural face.

After finishing the dinner in near silence, you attempting to make idle small talk and Maul not responding, you came back to the cleared table with some wine, pouring out first for your guest, and then yourself.

“Come, let’s sit in the lounge,” you said as you took your wine and walked away. Maul followed and sat on the sofa with you, keeping a little distance.

Taking a sip of the wine, he broke his silence and asked, “So, why do you believe this person was following you?”

“Because I’m a senator and not a very well-liked one, might be the reason. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a bounty someone put on me,” you replied.

Thinking this only brought you apprehension as to whether you should be taking this more seriously right now, but some other force had you thinking of other, more present matters. You made a note to tell your security captain later.

“Why are you so unliked, to have someone want you killed?” Maul asked. “You seem like a decent and nice Lady.”

“Because of my politics. It is no secret amongst my colleagues and the populous that I am against the Jedi. They are too wild and need more control. I suggest they be contained by the Republic, given less room to run free.” You had to stop yourself from going on a tangent. You were becoming a bit too passionate and shouldn’t have said so much. It is likely that he is like the rest of them and disagrees with you.

Maul looked at you in interest, seeing a little bit of your anger seep through your face.

“I agree with you,” he finally replied.

You quickly looked at him in shock, which seemed to make him tense. “Excuse my surprise. It is not often that someone agrees with me on that subject.”

Looking into his face, you noticed that slowly throughout the evening, the scowl on his face had been softening. At that moment, he truly seemed earnest looking at you. But that moment passed, the scowl was back.

Relaxing a little into the couch, he began speaking again. “The Jedi are no friends of mine, I can assure you,” he nearly growled. “They are a corrupt cult that believes they are above every creature in the galaxy.” He sneered as he finished speaking, taking a gulp from his glass.

Enticed by his bold words, but also wanting to stay cautious, you asked, “if you are not a Jedi, then how is it you came across having a lightsaber?”

He glanced at you in surprise, then quickly looked away. Noticing his hesitation along with his absence of a response, you switched tactics.

“What do you do?”

Maul had a ponderous look on his face, deciding on the exact words he could use.

“I am… an apprentice. For a mechanic.”

You hummed at that. “I am sure. You must be quite accomplished then.” You knew by his response that he was not telling the whole truth, but you didn’t want to be so pushy when he was opening up to you a little.

“What kind of things do you work on? Speeders? Droids? Ships?” Your eyes flickered from his face to his belt and back.

“All kinds of things, Senator,” is all he replied with. He looked away, knowing what you were trying to get at. He was good. You began to wonder if maybe someday you would find out what he was hiding, but what was the likeliness of the two of you meeting again.

He tried again, calculating what to say. “I am learning to work on all types of machinery, but often find myself intrigued with building things from scratch. Speeders, droids, cybernetics. Anything that can challenge me.”

You imagine that meant the lightsaber and were satisfied with his answer. You hummed and took another drink of your wine, finishing off the glass.

“Are there no other senators that agree with you? Who also wants to put the Jedi on a leash?”

“There are only a few, really. I have a committee of just a handful of senators.l and we attempt to pass bills but they get shot down every time. Senator Palpatine from Naboo in private has said he has some hesitation for the Jedi and wants to support my bills, but he never supports me on the Senate floor. I feel I lose what few allies I have left every term.” You looked down at your lap a little defeated. “I don’t even know if it’s worth fighting for anymore.”

He turned to you and looked into your face with a fierceness, “no, do not give up. I believe it is a worthy fight, and you must continue.”

“I am afraid I do not have enough popular opinion from the common people as well. The damn holonews are always publishing slander about me, all false and all ways to try to discredit me at every turn. No, I do not believe that many, apart from you, understand.”

At some point in your deep conversation, the two of you had shifted closer together on the sofa. He looked at you pensively and took your hand, a gesture you were not expecting. “There are others who will side with you, I do believe that,” he told you, looking you straight in the eyes. “Continue your work, I am sure people will see your way one day.”

Once again you were staring at him with curiosity, but this time he was also looking deeply at you. You were all too aware of his warm hand holding yours, and for a bit longer than would have been usual. There was an intimacy stirring between the two of you, a slow simmer building up.

#Maul #Darth Maul #maul x reader #darth maul x reader #may become a series depending on response/motivation #also this is my first solo fic please be kind #personal #On the Streets of Coruscant

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ottostherapy · 4 years

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How to not be an adult - Quidditch

Severus Snape x OC

a/n: Still a Snape appreciation month story, cause Snape deserves some love. Snape appreciation month is over, you say? Okay, then this is just a regular Snape survives and seeks mental health story. (I just want him to feel happy, okay, is that too much to ask?!?)

Excuse my language, not my mother tongue.

post-war au, where Snape survives and returns to teaching at Hogwarts. Relieved to find out Minerva understands his motives, he can now put his energy to getting to know other people. Who knew Snape could be fond of playing Quidditch? He certainly didn’t.

warnings: none

word count: 1349

last chapter

(gif’s not mine)

A few moments later Severus found himself on his old broom – a Comet 220 – waiting for Rolanda to blow the whistle. At the sound he, and the other 14 witches and wizards, pushed themselves up in the air.

Lilou, who flew right in front of him, on a Nimbus 1700, turned her head to Severus and gave him a huge smile. “We got this!”, she shouted, brandishing her bat.

Before Severus had the opportunity to answer anything sophistically sarcastic, she had vanished to the other side of the Quidditch pitch to keep a Bludger from coming too close to Minerva’s head.

Severus had great difficulty handling the bat, whilst watching over the annoying black balls and also keeping these annoying black balls from hitting his teammates.

He just saw Wilhelmina swinging her bat at a Bludger for it to distract the chasers in Speedos. Severus leant forward on his broom, he had to be a tad bit faster. Poppy was flying towards the goals with the Quaffle in her hand, yet her broom was slower than the Bludger. Severus concentrated, came closer, now he spun the bat in his hand and “KLONK”, hit the Bludger before it made any damage. The Bludger wobbled away and Severus, after regaining his balance (and almost losing the bat in the process), felt a tiny amount of pride pulse threw his system. His arms tingled, although he wasn’t sure if that came from the adrenaline or from the acidosis for, he gripped his broom and the bat tight.

To his satisfaction Poppy’s throw scored the first 10 points of the match.

Severus heard Sivit and the assistant teacher cheer loudly.

He flew higher towards Lilou, who did a little dance of joy, grinning at him. “Well done!”

Severus couldn’t help the wide smile, that spread across his face. “That, I can only return.”

Lilou snorted. “I should be well, I played for the Züricher Zig-Zags for a decade.” She swished off, banging a Bludger away from one of their Chasers, right at Irma Pince, who hurriedly passed the Quaffle to one of her teammates to dodge it.

Her teammate caught the Quaffle and while he was flying towards the goalpost, Severus could hear Sivit and the assistant teacher chanting a cheer-song for the Speedos. Deniel seemed to have heard the song as well, he laughed giddily while kicking the Quaffle away from the left ring.

Severus heard his name threw a cloud, he turned his head to see Lilou hitting a Bludger toward him, motioning at the Vilebrequins Seeker right next to him.

Severus gripped his broom tighter, started swinging the bat and hit the Bludger right before it could hit him. He must have missed the correct spot though, or he didn’t swing the bat the right way, because instead of flying to the Seeker, the Bludger was on its way to the other teams Keeper, who had to dodge, giving way for their team to score again.

The game went on, admitted Lilou did most of the work with the Bludgers, and Severus found himself quite enjoying hitting the Bludger towards other people. He didn’t wholeheartedly intend to hurt them, however the physical effort felt relieving. How came he didn’t join the Slytherin team, back in the days? He could have swept James off his broom, erased that stupid grin out of his face. Maybe the git wouldn’t have harassed him all the time then.

“Severus, out of the way!” Minerva whooshed past him. On the other end of the field, the opponent Seeker dived for, presumably, the Golden Snitch. Undoubtedly, Minerva was a great flyer, but the distance between her and the Snitch – which was swirling around their goal post – didn’t seem to minimise. She gave it her all, coming closer to the other Seeker, Severus crossed his fingers, but as she caught up with him, he threw himself into the Snitch.

“TIE!”, he heard the teams at the stands cheer. Did they really tie? He had stopped counting the goals they had made, but if they did, he though, he would probably consider playing again. Just perhaps when the weather was right and no student was around.

At the end of the day Hacketts, who had only won 2 matches, took the glory of victory. They made 30 points more than Speedos, because their Chasers didn’t let one chance slip to throw a goal.

Severus sat himself between Filius and Minerva. “Are you hungry now, Severus?”, Minerva asked.

Filius shot him a glance. “Oh, you must be, Severus. Aftre that performance of yours!”

Severus’ pale face turned red. “Filius. I didn’t do much.”

“Oh, stop being humble, Severus”, Minera admonished, “Mashed potatoes?” She scooped one ladleful onto Severus’, Filius’ and her own plates.

“Severus, I can’t remember ever seeing you playing Quidditch and I am … impressed, to say the least”, the teacher squeaked.

“I have to admit, that I was equally fond of your seeking skills.” He took the bowl with spinach, offered his colleagues some, and shovelled the green onto his plate as well.

On the other side of the table, Severus watched Lilou talk to Maia and – much to his displeasure – Sivit. He watched her talk relentlessly, just like she did, when they watched the others play Quidditch.

He had to admit, her bubbly character, her silly energy, her contagious laughter were a great distraction to the way he felt usually.

Soon the plates were blank, the hall was filled with a common noise, chattering staff members, exchanging their life stories, their experiences, their future plans.

Filius, Minerva and Severus were deep into bringing back memories from years ago. They sipped on wine from time to time – Filius and Severus liked to provide the elves with their latest insights on the best sorts – remembering the light-headed moments, the games of flying-charade, who-stole-the-lemon-drop (a game Albus had invented on a rainy day), Wizard’s chess or scrabble.

“Maybe you want to play a round or two after the feast?” Filius suggested, but Minerva shook her head.

“Filius, I have asked the others to stay after the feast for a few games and chat and whoever wants to stay is invited to do so.” She glanced over to Sybill Trelawny, who was nervously picking her eyebrows. “I expect you two stay for the games as well?”

Filius, eagerly nodded, he clapped his small hands together in joy.

“As long as I don’t have to do this Karaoke again.”

Poppy snorted. She sat next to Minerva and had been curiously listening for the past minutes. “Severus, I once heard you sing in the shower and your interpretation of that muggle song “YMCA” was nothing in comparison to the shower performance!”

Filius choked on his wine.

“Poppy.” Severus made a long pause before he continued speaking. “I have told you, that if you ever come to speak of that incident … I will have to test a new curse on you.”

Poppy laughed. “And you are also the one, who will have to brew the potion to get me back on my feet."

Severus considered his answer carefully, while Filius continued his furious coughing. The poor wizard had a bright red face, when the black-haired man spoke again: “I contemplated not to.” But he could hardly supress his lips curling up.

“Severus!” Minerva poked his side.

“I am but a mysterious man,”, he said softly, “I can’t let all my secrets slip.” Severus shrugged, holding his hands up.

“You are unbelievable, Severus!”, Minerva panted, shaking her head with a smile at her face.

The evening was filled with more wine, laughter, Wizard’s Who am I – Severus turned into Molly Weasley – some interesting conversations, some funny ones and his head spinning from the alcohol, even though he couldn’t possibly have drunken that much.

He left the Great Hall with a group of other people, he made out the vague shape of his potion’s professor in front of him and found himself hooked into a giggling Lilou. “Goodnight” he heard himself slur to her, loosening his arm from hers, heading downstairs.

“Goodnight, Severus.”

next chapter

#Severus Snape #prosnape #Snape fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #Snape lives au #Snape x oc #snapedom #harrypotter #hp

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sailor-opy · 4 years

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Dare to fall (in love): prologue

Hello! I have recently been spending more time on Tumblr again and after reading so many lovely fanfics I wanted to try something new: writing my own fiction. I still need to come up with a name for this story, but I wanted to get this out already.

Name: Prologue

Word count: 1 306

Prologue

”I must be totally mad”, I think for what must be at least the thousandth time in the last couple of weeks. The reason that makes me question my sanity is that at the moment I’m at the airport, waiting for boarding to start, so that I can fly half way across the world to meet a guy I’ve met online a couple of months ago. I’ve watched enough crime shows to know that, even though I’m sure my new friend would never hurt me, sometimes the bad guys are good at making their victims feel like that until it’s too late, and I could very well be on my way to meet some crazy murderer.

I have obviously taken some precautions in case something goes wrong. I have booked myself a room at a hotel, so that I don’t have to stay at my friend’s place if I don’t want to for any reason. And of course I have told a few of my closest friends and my brother exactly where I’m going. That was one of those conversations me and my brother sometimes have, which started with the words “Don’t tell mom...” My mom thinks I’m going to meet a former colleague who has moved to the States. If she knew the truth of where I was going, she would worry herself sick, and no one would be having any fun on either side of the Atlantic until I would be back home. Sometimes I wonder if my mother’s tendency to worry about everything is the reason why I’m having hard time judging if this trip of mine is stupidly reckless or actually nothing to worry about, if I just use some common sense.

There is also another reason why I think this trip might not be such a good idea, even though my gut feeling about my friend would be right and he would really turn out to be as great a guy as I think he is. At this point I really can’t lie to myself anymore, and I have to admit that I have a massive crush on him. Unfortunately tough, I really have no clue about whether he sees me only as a friend or if he feels the same as me. Sometimes, when I read his messages or talk to him, I wonder if he’s flirting with me, but usually I brush that thought away almost immediately, tell myself not to be stupid and that he’s just being friendly. It’s not like he has been very obviously flirting, and most likely I’m just reading way too much between the lines because of my own feelings.

Meeting with him now definitely doesn’t help me getting over these feelings, and it would really be better to meet after I’ve gotten over this crush. Even if he felt the same about me, I can’t see a future for our relationship. We live on different continents and neither of us is interested in long distance relationship. Furthermore, it wouldn’t be sensible for him to move in with me, because he doesn’t even speak my language, which would make it so much more difficult for him to find a job and life here in general. It would be easier if I moved to America to live with him, but I’m not sure that I would be willing to leave my family, friends and my whole life behind. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here, and I should really focus on worrying about whether my gut feeling about him was actually right, or if I’m lured into a trap of some sadistic criminal.

To be honest, I’m having hard time believing that all this is actually happening. It’s all been so out of character for me. You see, I’m definitely not social when it comes to social media or online activity in general. I do have some social media accounts, but I mainly use them to make my own posts and to stalk other people. I never really comment on anything except if it’s to answer a comment addressed to me. Occasionally, but very rarely, I might also comment on a post made by my relatives or real life friends. But then one day I stumbled upon this blog. Based on the posts and answers to comments, the person behind the blog seemed very kind and interesting, and instantly I got the impression that I would feel good with him. I couldn’t help myself and had to leave a little comment on one of his posts. And then he answered it!

I kept following his blog and leaving little comments every now and then and he answered to most of my comments. Slowly our communication started to move from the comment section of his blog to private messages and Whatsapp. First we only communicated through messages, but soon we started making video calls too, even though finding suitable time was a bit difficult due to the time difference. We talked about everything, and for some reason I felt comfortable telling him about things that I hadn’t told any of my other friends. But my crush, which feels more like an obsession to be honest, makes me always want more, and soon simply talking to him on a video call didn’t feel enough anymore.

About a month ago I mentioned during one of our calls that it would be nice to meet him. He agreed, but unfortunately he couldn’t take time off from his work to travel any time soon.

“What if I came there?” I suggested. “I have my summer holiday in July, and usually I make a trip somewhere during that time, so I might as well come to see you.”

“Are you sure about that? I would still have to work, and I would feel bad that I could spend so little time with you, knowing that you have come here just to meet me. And what if we don’t get along in person? I feel like it’s unfair that you would invest your so much your time and money coming here and risk it going to waste, when I had to risk pretty much nothing,” he hesitated.

“Don’t worry about it, if it turns out that we drive each other crazy if there isn’t an ocean between us, I can just spend the rest of my holiday travelling around the USA. I’m used to travelling alone, and I’ve never been there, so I’m sure I find enough interesting things to do and see there to make my trip worth it, regardless of how we get along. And the same goes for the times that you have to work: I can just spend the time exploring the area where you live. You can’t seriously tell me that there’s nothing interesting to see there,” I reassured him. I tried to keep my tone light and hide how desperately I actually wanted to meet him and spend time with him.

After a little more negotiation and planning it was settled: I’m going to the USA for two weeks in the beginning of my summer holiday. I will go to see him first and then we will see how things go from there. If we feel that we’ve had enough of each other before that two weeks are over, I’ll spend the rest of my holiday travelling around. But if things go well and if we get along well, we will have two weeks to spend together. I was hardly able to contain my excitement after that call. The nerves kicked in only later.

I’m waked from my memories by an announcement informing me that boarding for my flight has started. “It’s time to go,” I tell myself when I collect my belongings and head to the gate. “I really must be totally mad...”

#my writing #original writing #original character #first person pov #original story #writing #fiction #romance #multi chapter #prologue #dare to fall (in love)

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anonsally · 4 years

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Days 79-82 of COVID-19 shelter-in-place

These have been four very intense days both globally and personally. This admittedly long post will focus more (but not exclusively) on the personal side of that.

Day 79 was Wednesday. I hadn’t had enough sleep, but I got up at a reasonable hour because I needed a ballet class. Before class started, I got a call from the medical center for scheduling a procedure I need to have done. That will be in 2 weeks, contingent on me testing negative for COVID-19 four days beforehand. I’m anxious about the procedure but will be glad to get it over with after several months of worry. Anyway, ballet class was good for calming me down.

It was hot out. I did my parents’ grocery shopping (and bought a few things for us) and then had a nice conversation with my dad when I dropped off his groceries. We talked about the state of the world. He told me about a city that had literally fired its entire police department and started over... which is what we probably need on a national level, with very few exceptions.

I refueled the car on the way home and got a predictably late start on my work day. Wife got two more job interviews scheduled at very different companies. I took a walk, spotting another Steller’s jay at the bird feeders. The jays are so much larger than the little birds who frequent the feeders!

I then went to try to buy milk, but the tiny independent market had closed early to enable the employees to get home before curfew. So I had to go to Trader Joe’s instead. By the time I got home I was somewhat demotivated about food prep, but luckily Wife pulled herself together and scrambled me an egg. I didn’t manage to get to bed till 1am, which was at least an hour later than I’d intended, but Wife was still up at 4am!

Day 80. I forced myself to get up at 8:30 since I knew I would need to go to bed early that night. I arranged to (video-)meet with my boss at 12:30. I started work around 11am or so and got a few thing done. The meeting with my boss was good--partly social, discussing how we were coping with the situation and working from home, what we missed about the office, and such, but we also talked about what I’ve been working on. She reminded me that the study section reviewing my grant application will be meeting this month, so I will have to remember to check my scores.

Afterwards we had a meeting with a few other coworkers, which was fairly productive. I had a short “coffee break” video call with a colleague, too. The county-wide curfew was lifted a day early.

After work, I took a walk in a direction I hadn’t gone in a while. Was heartened to see Black Lives Matter signs even in cul-de-sacs in a wealthy, mainly white neighborhood. I picked up takeout for dinner, and did a bunch of Adulting in the early evening, including preparing for the next morning. I was in bed by 10:45pm.

Day 81. My alarm got me up at 5am, and we left at 6am. We got to the medical center on time at 7am and I went in (Wife was not allowed to accompany me, but had to be there to drive me home; there was a separate room across the street for visitors to wait in, which was good because it was suddenly very cold outside). Initially, there was a lot of waiting, during which I did a little bit of yoga and dancing as I knew I would not be able to move much for the rest of the day. I was there for a diagnostic procedure involving a needle (for data privacy reasons I won’t get more specific here; it’s unrelated to the procedure I’m having in 2 weeks), which required me to remain horizontal for 4 hours afterwards, at least according to the information they’d given me beforehand. I had to be fasting from midnight the night before: no food or drink, including water.

Eventually I was wheeled down to the ultrasound department, where the doctor who planned to do the procedure met me and the radiologists. However, when they looked at the images, there were a lot of vessels around. The doctor did not feel confident that she could do the procedure based on a mark on my skin without accidentally hitting a blood vessel. So she asked the radiologists to do it as an ultrasound-guided procedure, which would be safer since they would be able to see what they were doing on the ultrasound. This procedure was done with only local anaesthetic. Mostly I couldn’t feel what was going on, and it was supposed to be very quick, but unfortunately, the resident had a lot of trouble--the senior radiologist was trying to guide him through doing, but he couldn’t get the needle positioned quite right, and in the end the senior radiologist had to do it herself. It was pretty uncomfortable and there were some moments where it was quite painful. I tried to breathe deeply and stay relaxed, but it was hard. When they finally got it to work, it was over pretty quickly. I was relieved. It was about 11am by then.

However, I had to spend an hour in a large recovery room with many other patients, while my blood pressure and pulse were monitored. I had expected to have the procedure done upstairs in the room where I’d started, where I had left all my stuff. They very kindly sent someone up to retrieve my phone for me so I could at least text Wife and my parents so they would know the worst of it was over.

After an hour I was wheeled upstairs and transferred from the gurney to a bed (this took 3 people as I was not allowed to stand up yet) for more monitoring. They drew my blood to test my blood counts; I was going to be allowed to leave after only 2 hours of bed rest if the counts were stable. After the 2 hours, I was allowed to get up and use the bathroom (and grab the crossword puzzles from my backpack to work on), and then I continued resting while waiting first for the blood counts, which finally came back fine, and then for the discharge papers, which took an unreasonably long time. Around 2pm the nurse finally allowed me to have some ice--hoorah! (I was parched. I normally drink at least 2 liters of water per day.) At 2:40pm I was cleared to leave; I texted Wife, who went to get the car and picked me up at the entrance to the hospital at about 3pm.

Literally every single person on the hospital staff was kind and friendly. They all introduced themselves to me by name, including the people whose job it was to simply wheel me from one place to another, and they all seemed to be invested in my well-being. When I was being wheeled through the hallway, whenever we passed anyone else who worked there they smiled and said hello both to me and to the person in charge of transporting me. It seemed like everyone working really considered themselves a team, with respect for everyone regardless of place in the hospital hierarchy. Since, like all patients during this pandemic, I was there alone and a bit anxious, it made the experience much less unpleasant than it could have been.

I spent 8 hours in the hospital, so I really hope I didn’t catch COVID-19, but the procedures seemed pretty good. I was wearing a mask almost all the time (except in the room where I was waiting at the beginning and end, which was essentially private), as were all the employees, and everyone was sanitising their hands every time they entered or exited a room or touched any equipment. I also didn’t spend the whole time with any one person. So, hopefully it was safe.

I spent the rest of the afternoon vedging out at home, rehydrating, and finally eating, and I went to bed earlier than usual though later than I expected, around 12:15am.

Day 82. I wanted to try to get a lot of sleep so my body could heal from yesterday’s ordeal, so today I slept till about 10am. The wound from the procedure is tender to the touch and there’s a small bruise near it, but otherwise I’m not in pain from it. Except my ankle is in more pain than it’s been in for ages, and I have no idea why. Maybe I slept on it funny? Or maybe it’s an aftereffect of the weird position I had to hold during the procedure.

I think my joy at getting to eat cereal this morning was perhaps a bit over-the-top!

Wife had a bad headache today, likely caused by neck tension from all the driving yesterday. I am still pretty tired today, despite all the sleep, but I suppose that’s to be expected.

We went to the farmers’ market and stumbled upon a socially-distanced, family-friendly protest. A friend of mine was there with her kids, but I didn’t see her. We bought our produce--though I had to make an extra trip back to the car to drop off my purchases, as I am not supposed to lift anything heavy today. The stand with the curried fish had run out, but they still had some uncooked prepped fish, so we bought that and they explained how to steam it at home. We came home and cooked the fish and ate it for lunch; it was just as good as it would’ve been if they’d cooked it. Phew! Other than that we’ve been relaxing at home, though Wife did gather her energy and go for a run, which has helped to relieve her headache a little (as has the bath she took afterwards, and the painkillers she took).

I’m hoping to feel up to taking a dance class (online) tomorrow.

#personal #dance #birdwatching #Health Care #food #even though there is no picture of food here #black lives matter #epidemiology #activism #tl;dr

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testamari-blog · 4 years

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Why we should be excited about Elon Musk’s Neuralink?

--Elon Musk next to the surgical robot, Neuralink presentation. Source: thesun.co.uk--

The presentation of Elon Musk’s new venture Neuralink has come and gone a couple of weeks ago, but perhaps it didn’t create the fuss it deserved. Of course comparing a project recruiting presentation to an actual rocket launch is not fair, though brain-chip integration is not a topic to overlook.

Before I go too ahead of myself, let’s look at the main points of the presentation to see what’s this all about:

Neuralink is a coin-sized chip that is to be integrated to the brain. The integration requires a brain surgery, where a part of the skull is removed and the electrodes of the chip are sewed into the neural connections of the brain.

--Neuralink chip location on the brain, which replaces a piece of skull. Source: cnet.com--

Appropriately, the project consists of two parts: the chip and the surgical robot. Elon stressed that the aim is to make the complete operation mechanical, removing the element of human error. At its apex, a Neuralink insertion operation will take an hour, won’t require general anesthesia, and the patient (or the customer in this case) can leave the facility in a couple of hours.

A day with the Neuralink chip will look like this: you charge the chip contactless overnight, which provides enough battery for 24 hours. During the day, the chip both reads your thoughts and does what you want, in addition to providing information seamlessly. To learn about the weather, you just think about it, the chip searches it through the web and - with lack of a better term - whispers you the result.

They also demonstrated the effects of the chip on pigs: one that doesn’t have, one does, and one that used to have. All the pigs seemed fine (of course I’m no veterinarian), and the one with the chip sent live signals whenever it smelled stuff. Plus, they showed a video demonstration, where a pig is walking on the treadmill, and they are able to accurately predict the joint locations based on the data that the chip sends.

--Live demonstration on pigs. Source: theverge.com--

The presentation ended with a Q&A. The highlights of this part for me were;

The promise that this chip can solve brain related or neural problems like depression, eyesight loss, parkinsons etc.

After it’s settled, the whole procedure (surgery + the chip) will be available for a couple of thousand dollars.

The things you can do with this will wary: from fetching your car (they said Tesla of course) to playing a video game or driving a car without any physical action.

They also mentioned ‘saving memories’ at some point. I don’t know how I felt about this (frightened probably), but it immediately reminded me of the Braindance concept of Cyberpunk 2077 (this video explains this concept in the lore of the game. But quickly, Braindance enables other people to live captured memories of another: sense, hear, see).

Now let’s examine further what does this all mean. But first of all, we must understand that this project has two main challenges: the procedure and the technology. The hardware challenge consists of the task of inserting a chip, which is a foreign object to the body, into the brain. And this is much harder than it seems. Not only such a delicate electronic device should stay perfectly operational inside the body, but also it should cause no harm to the carrier over the years. The technology on the other hand, seems like a nightmare. The requirements it brings are enormous. First, the elephant in the room, it must solve some of the everlasting mysteries of the human brain and the neural system. Second, it must be able to do it with a piece of hardware that is as big as a coin. Last, as the data in the question is the most sensitive of all - literally one’s thoughts - it must bring the state-of-the-art privacy applications alongside.

The issues of hardware size and privacy are easier to discuss, and go hand in hand. Due to size limitations, the chip is apparently designed as simple as possible, just capable about collecting neural data and sending it to a cloud. This means you should always be around wireless internet connection for this device to run. One thing that the chip must certainly do though, is the encryption of the neural data before sending it to the cloud, and decryption of the incoming data from the cloud (for an illustration of what encryption/decryption is, see the following figure).

--A basic encryption/decryption procedure, where both sides (it would be the chip and the cloud in the case of Neuralink) share a secret key. This key can be used to scramble the data when sending, and to unscramble when received. That way, anybody listening to the channel in between cannot understand what the data means. Source: cheapsslshop.com--

Now the neural aspect - I should say what I think about this up front: Neuralink at this stage didn’t show anything new. I can understand that the smelling experiment and the joint prediction can appear out of this world to some, though this is general knowledge today. For long, people have been examining brain scans to understand how particular movements or thoughts map to regions of the brain (see this video for such an experiment). You can then use this signal to understand when the smell receptors are at play, or, with the help of machine learning, you can predict the body positions. Going even further - a colleague of mine once told me about their bachelor’s graduation project: neural prediction of when a person is happy or sad. And they did it by using external electrodes to the head, and some kitten pictures. And this was years ago. One credit of amazement however I can give is: the same chip, from a singular position and limited number of neural connections, can be used to process both things - though it wasn’t explained whether the same chip and the same animal was used for both experiments.

This brings the question of “Is Neuralink selling a dream” for me. And my answer is “Definitely yes!”. What they described to be possible, such as the chip ‘writing an answer directly to your brain’ or ‘recording your thoughts/memories’ is by no means a capability of today’s science. These tasks are fundamentally different than searching some correlations between neural activity, as they require the complete deciphering of the neural activity. Today, we have very limited idea how a neuron, or a group of neurons store information. Thus, we cannot convert their activity to what we see, hear, or think externally. That’s also why we cannot write information to somebody’s brain - the best we can do is to hit somebody in back of their head, to make them see a flash in their sight (this is a bit exaggerated, but you get the point).

But then why should we be excited about Neuralink, if it is just selling dreams? Because there are categories of doing that. I mean, if your sailor friend during the high Middle Ages started talking about ‘going beyond the sky’, just because you can sail in the oceans now, there would be no reason to take this seriously. But if your engineer friend started talking about the same thing, after the jet engine was invented in the later stages of the Second World War, there would be indeed reasons to be excited about it. What we saw in this presentation has told to me that we are in the second scenario. Integrating a chip to a brain without any damage, and then successfully extracting neural information is a great first step. And this has always held true: “Sic parvis magna”.

--“Sic parvis magna”. Literally the Latin for ‘small, just as big’. Usually it’s meaning is translated as ‘greatness from small beginnings’. Source: pinterest.com--

So finally, would I get this chip for my brain? No - not as soon as it’s available at least. The following are my considerations - when they are satisfied, only then I can consider having a brain surgery to get an implant:

It does much more than being a version of Siri. It enables me to control the electronic environment around me. Plus it creates some sort of augmented reality - for instance it can highlight the objects that I’m searching for.

It does not transfer any data out of my head, except a command or a internet related search. No matter how secure, I’m not ok with my thoughts exiting my head (literally). It should do all the processing locally, and contact the cloud when I ask for a question, or make a command to the external world.

Many people use it for some time and experience no side-effects.

Let me finish with a disclaimer, as this is my first post: I do write about subjects that I’m interested in, in an informed but not in an academic manner. Therefore, consider this and future content as such.

#neuralink #elonmusk #neuroscience #brainchip

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mechadress · 4 years

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Saw a literary challenge to write about one of your average days in quarantine. They picked Tuesday May 12th. Since all of my days keep blending together, I thought it would help me set a benchmark for how I handled quarantine. So here it is-

May 12th 2020,

My alarm goes off at 7am. I roll over to turn it off and promptly go back to sleep. This was a normal practice even before the world shut down. I don't have set hours at work, but I prefer to start around 8am. Since my work computer is only across the apartment, the motivation to wake up before I absolutely have to is extremely low.

8am rolls around and I can't bring myself to leave the bed yet. It all seems so pointless as no one seems to care what hours I keep and I don't have any early morning meetings. I scroll through Facebook and Tumblr on my phone, I check my email more times than I really need to, and pet whichever cat is closest, usually Sierra. I find a post from a page that I follow that talks about Victorian parlor games and I share it to the Steampunk group I administer. There hasn't been much content in the group for awhile. I wonder if it's because steampunk isn't as popular as it once was or if no one has anything to say. It gets a few likes and one 'Care' emoji. I think it's because it indicates that people miss hanging out together.

Around 8:15 I need to use the toilet, which is enough to get me out of bed and sign into my work computer. CY yells out from his work station at the living room table to remind me to buy the camper table and a spray bottle he wanted for grilling. I order them from Amazon and feel guilty about getting nonessential items in the middle of a pandemic. I spend the first few hours of work scrolling through FB or Tumblr and knitting. While I knit I watch an hour and half long youtube video from ContraPoints about different types of second-hand embarrassment or 'cringe'. I identify a lot with what she says.

I am knitting a pair of socks simply because I have the yarn and I've never done it before. I tested out the gauge to make sure I had the right sized needles and I do. They are long dpns that were given to me by CY's mother once she realized I enjoyed knitting. Apparently she used to knit as well, but it would hurt her hands so she gave up on it. I had tried to use the dpns as intended, even looking up a video and practicing a few times, but I kept dropping stitches and getting annoyed with them. I eventually decided to order a circular needle from Amazon to use instead. I felt very guilty about this since there's all sorts of post-people and delivery people out there who are at risk moving all these boxes around, and here I'm ordering a stupid pair of needles that are a duplicate size to ones I own, but I just don't want to use. The circular needles are extremely nice and easy to work with and it is a pleasure to knit the socks. I still use the dpns as a stitch holder while I knit the heel. Today I'm connecting the insole and knitting along the foot. It's easy and enjoyable work especially after already completing the first sock.

I eat a prepackaged ube cake while I drink my tea and appreciate the nice pairing of flavors.

I feel bad about not getting more of my actual work done. However, I can't bring myself to concentrate on anything related to work. I keep moving my mouse around every 10 or so minutes so it looks like I'm active.

An old D&D friend of mine named Sam posts on FB about how he is proud of his company for continuing to let people work from home despite Ohio loosening some of the Stay at Home restrictions. I reply "We were told to expect to work from home until at least August. I'm grateful since it's one less thing to think about." Sam and I go back a forth a bit more, expressing gratitude and an interest in meeting up again once its safe. It's the first I've interacted with him in about 5 years and it makes me glad to hear from him.

I start lunch early because I don't have anything better to do. For lunch I make myself and CY a sandwich. We have some really good Italian bread we got from the grocery store that we can make into a decent replica of a Philadelphia style hoagie. I already chopped up the veggies so I can just take them out of the fridge and start layering them on. CY likes his sandwich with mayo and turkey. I don't like handling either of those things, but it's easy enough. I make his first then make a veggie version for myself. We use the new hoagie oil which isn't as bad as I had originally feared, but it isn't as good as the name brand one we had before. Pity they were out of it at the store when we went.

My 2019 tax refund from Ohio lands into my investment account. I plan to use it to invest in assorted stocks I feel will bounce back once the economy recovers.

After lunch I watch a few more youtube videos while I knit. One is a career review of the one-hit wonder band 'Living in a Box' and another is a recording of 'the world's worst singer' Florence Foster Jenkins. I had found an article that talked about people who had a medical condition which made them unable to percieve how poorly they performed a skill. In her case, she was a renowned as a very poor singer who believed she was very good and people would come to watch her ironically. I try to watch a congressional hearing where they discuss the health crisis with Dr. Fauci, but it's too depressing so I stop.

My anxiety related to work continues to grow. I figure that I'm not able to bring myself to do any investigation on my own, but I'm still able to ask people questions. I reach out through Skype to a colleague who I believe had worked with this business group before. I am surprised by how helpful she is and how quickly she is to respond. We get on a call and she shows me some reporting she did that is similar and directs me towards a table she thinks would have the values I'm looking for. She recommends another colleague to talk to and I schedule a meeting with him for the next day since he was busying for the rest of today. I feel instantly better. My anxiety about my work plummets and I find the energy and motivation to start investigating another task I've been given. I quickly find 1) the task was way easier than I initially estimated and 2) the data I want isn't available where I thought it would be. I even find out a new way to pull code out of Tableau and I excitedly share my discovery with another colleague. Around this time it's getting close to 4pm, my usual time to stop working and just become available for questions, should anyone need to reach out to me. I feel better about myself and allow myself to take more pleasure in my activities.

I start to prepare for the online D&D game I host each week, Tuesdays at 7:30pm. One of my favorite things about quarantine is that it's given me the time and ability to play again. I've missed having a regular D&D game badly. We had a very good game the previous week and I'm excited to make new material for this new game. I decide to include a villain who is a Banksia Man, one of the anatognists from the Australian fairy-tale Snugglepot and Cuddlepie. CY had helped me over the weekend come up with a cool backstory for him. I take notes and save some pictures so I can display them to my players through screen share.

A group of our friends are doing a Plank Challenge while we try to stay in shape while in quarantine. Colette set up a FB group with a list of exercises to do for 13 days. Each day, you do your assigned exercise then you post to the group to indicate you completed your day's tasks. CY and I made a point to work out for a bit each day after work and were already doing a fair amount of planks so the challenge as it was written was too easy for us. We tend to double the amount of time for each exercise or we double up the reps. My tasks for today are 30 seconds each of planks, rocking planks, hip dips, and up downs. I do all the exercises straight through twice with a short break in between sets then post to FB in the group.

After doing planks, CY and I go out to a nearby park to walk for a bit. We go for about 2.5 miles. It's a nice day, nearly 60 degrees. I am happy to see wild flowers starting to sprout up and the leaves coming back to the trees. Most people in the park are polite and keep their distance. It's rare to see people wearing masks while they are walking or running, so it almost feels normal.

We make it back with enough time for me to start getting my notes ready for game. CY offers to make me food and asks what I'd like to eat. We had just gone to Trader Joe's the weekend before and gotten a truly ridiculous amount of frozen food. He insists I pick something from the freezer to eat. In the end we decide he'll cut up the jackfruit crab cakes and make them into 'seafood tacos'. He even makes some sriracha ranch to go with it. The crab cake is surprisingly greasy, but it's very tasty and filling. Not sure I'd get it again though.

I go into the gaming group call and we quickly realize that only Gene and Aaron are going to be able to join game. We don't think it will be enough to continue the campaign I prepared for so I offer to do a one-shot just for them. I show them a cute rpg I found awhile ago called 'Fuck! It's Dracula' and we give it a shot. We have fun but I feel a bit unprepared since I have to ab lib most of the plot and come up with secret plans on the fly so they can be betrayed by their NPCs. The game is much shorter than I initially anticipated and we finish up around 9:30pm, much earlier than normal. I don't feel like Aaron and Gene enjoyed this game as much as they would have enjoyed the larger campaign I made, but at least we got to play together for a bit. I appreciate the social contact at the very least.

We dismiss ourselves from game and I join CY on the couch. He is watching some cooking tutorial videos, trying to teach himself how to smoke brisket properly. I go back and forth between different apps on my phone, not really paying attention to the TV. I try to read for a bit, but we eventually settle down to sleep before I get very far. I feel good about how the day went and I'm proud of myself for getting work done on the sock and researching my projects. I feel better about my life than I did when I first woke up this morning.

#journal writing #quarantine #may 2020

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apparitionism · 5 years

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Mercury 12

Because I have the affinity I have, the only Warehouse 13 revival scenario I’d ever be interested in would be one involving Joanne Kelly and Jaime Murray sharing copious amounts of screen time. However: there’s a remake scenario discussed in this part that I might indeed pay cash money to see... anyway, Tumblr’s being weird again, so please be so kind as to visit my actual tumblr if you have an interest in the other parts of this little tale. Which I would also pay cash money to see.

Mercury 12

Having to go to the museum—having to do their actual jobs—was for Myka an anticlimax, post-pie. (She was trying very hard not to think about the implications of that.) She’d expected Pete to see it as a letdown, too, after the car massacre, because while the Sable hadn’t won, it was one of the last few vehicles managing to propel itself at the others, tires askew and engine asmoke. Myka had taken his continued investment in the proceedings as her opportunity to filch the remainder of his serving of pie. Helena had already handed hers over, wordlessly and unprompted. Myka hadn’t even had to look longingly at it. Okay, maybe once, but that was all it took.

But Pete clearly had not found the derby to be the pinnacle of the day’s excitement, and in the front seat of the rental, riding shotgun next to Myka as she followed Ida to the museum, he was extra-fidgety with anticipation at being in the sled-prop’s presence. The closer they got, the more his eagerness ratcheted up, which made Myka ask, “Do you think it’s affecting you?”

That got her the “duh” head-shake. “Well yeah. It’s Rosebud.”

“In a Warehouse-y way,” she clarified.

Pete squinched his face, the relaxed it. “Pretty sure I’d feel the same about something like... Peter Weller’s Robocop suit. Or Eastwood’s gun from Fistful of Dollars. You know, real movie stuff. I bet I’d pass out if I saw E.T. in person.”

Twilight was turning to real dark as they pulled into the deserted museum parking lot, right behind Ida, and the night hid them completely as Helena picked the lock on the “staff only” door—matter-of-factly, with a mutter of “why did they bother.” Then Ida led them past exhibits that purported to tell “The Wisconsin Story”—the whole story, starting with the deep geological past, and giving pride of place to what had been unearthed from that deep geological past: two looming fossil mammoths, which Pete was fortunately too Rosebud-focused to register, for their size was giving even Myka the shivers. They were impressively tusked, but with comparatively delicate ribs, too-long legs, and strangely structured foot-bones that gave them the improbable look of walking on dainty tiptoe.

Myka had not expected mammoths. Again, an educational trip.

The Wisconsin story stopped, apparently, with Orson Welles, for the gallery was designed to culminate in that exhibit. Their approach of the sled was uneventful, aside from Pete’s actual hyperventilating; if Rosebud did this to him, there was no way he would have survived E.T., much less stayed conscious. Myka made him breathe into a static bag—she appreciated that Helena managed not to laugh too much at the sight—and when he finally calmed down, he declared, “I refuse to steal it. Because we’ve got the mic, so who cares? What’s Rosebud gonna do all by itself?”

“I don’t think Artie’s going to find that a convincing argument,” Myka said.

“Who cares about that either? Spielberg outranks Artie. And the Regents.”

Myka looked at Helena. Helena shrugged a “your call, not mine” at her. So Myka shrugged back at her a “whatever,” because what was Artie going to do about it anyway? Get in a fistfight with Steven Spielberg? Pete would be thrilled at the very idea. He’d sell tickets. Sell tickets, then probably pass out when Spielberg showed up.

He was still talking: “So I’m not messing with his stuff other than to neutralize it real quick and put it back. Then we bounce.”

“Don’t say ‘bounce,’” Myka told him. “You sound ridiculous.”

“Claudia says bounce,” he said, with a little whine in his voice.

“You’re almost twice her age.” Though the evidence for that was limited...

Helena joined in with, “I’m nearly six times her age. What am I permitted to say?”

“What I wish we’d all say—and do—is ‘depart with our dignity intact,’” Myka said.

Helena pointed out, “As Pete and also Claudia enjoy reminding us, with regard to many things: ‘that ship has sailed.’”

She was right, but Myka scowled. “I don’t like you.”

“Be that as it may,” Helena said, offering one of her most saintly smiles, “but somewhat pursuant to the dignity point, you seem to be far more invested in key lime pie than I imagined possible.”

“And demo derbies!” Pete added.

“Leave me and my dignity—”

“Or lack thereof?” Helena asked, still saintly.

“—alone,” Myka finished. With as much aggrieved resignation as she could muster.

Ida, who’d been standing back from it all, particularly Pete’s hyperventilation, now said to Myka, “You did seem to enjoy both of those. Couldn’t that be good? Given your clear devotion to duty, it all speaks to your being a very complex leading lady.”

Myka opened her mouth to say “thank you,” but Pete preempted her with, “Less complex than you’d think. Myka World’s a pretty stripped-down place. No concession stands. Seat belts and helmets for all the rides, which there aren’t even a lot of anyhow, because they cost too much to insure, plus you gotta bring carnies in to run ’em, and I don’t think Myka trusts the carnies.”

“Also,” Myka noted, “I’m not an amusement park.” One beat. Two. She thought she might actually get away with—

“I beg to differ,” Helena said, and Myka sighed, in response to which, Helena placed a hand on Myka’s back, then rollercoastered that hand up and over Myka’s shoulder. In response to that, Myka frowned at Helena, to forestall any thoughts she might have had of continuing the journey somewhere inappropriate, and Helena brought the hand-car to an obvious, abrupt stop.

And in response to that, Ida laughed at them, and that made Myka chuckle too.

As Pete prepared to neutralize the sled, Helena offered to hold the microphone for him. Myka thought she was being ostentatious about needing something to do with her thwarted hand, but as soon as she had it, she began apologizing to it for having to take away its fun. “You liked being believed,” she murmured. “I understand. But we’re conveying you to a place where our very sensitive colleagues will locate you perfectly. You’ll feel quite at home. And one day we’ll steal your sledge friend and reunite the two of you, so—”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Pete warned.

“I might do it tomorrow morning before our flight leaves. I’m not afraid of filmmakers. Those Lumière brothers were utterly unintimidating. Perhaps this Spielberg is outsize, which would account for your trepidation?”

Pete didn’t object; instead, he nodded. “Way outsize, Hollywood-power-wise. Lotsa people quaking in their boots, I bet. And as for quaking in your boots, I also bet that if I went back in time to 1896, I’d see you diving under your chair to get away from the train headed for the camera courtesy of those Lumière brothers.”

Helena said, with what Myka hoped was mock venom, “If you went back in time to 1896, you would clearly dive under your chair—what with trains being as large as they are, and seemingly emerging from an outsize screen to flatten your comparatively undersized innocent spectating self.”

“Oh yeah? Well at least I’d know what a movie was.”

“Do not condescend to me!”

You love both of these five-year-olds, Myka reminded herself. Out loud, she said, “If we could maybe stick to the business at hand?”

“At hand!” Pete enthused. “Orson Welles touched this with his hand and so did Spielberg and now I’m about to too! We’re practically related now!”

“Why are you never this interested in actual history?” Helena groused.

“Oh, you mean antiques like you?” Pete retorted as he slid the sled into an extra-large static bag.

Five-year-olds, both of whom you love, Myka reminded herself again, but it didn’t matter anymore, because at that moment, Ida and everyone else got what anybody anywhere would have called a show, as a garish display of neutralization fireworks pinwheeled and rocketed outward from the bag, Roman-candling as if the sled had brought all of its show-business knowhow to bear on the situation and planned its execution of this moment.

Then: “Oh my god,” Myka said, because—

“I agree!” Ida rhapsodized.

But Myka wasn’t appreciating the pyrotechnics. No, she was realizing, viscerally, that she’d recently eaten the greater part of an insanely oversugared pie. Which was not nutritious at all. Which was in fact more sugar than she’d eaten at one sitting in... decades. Literally. She had to instruct her digestive system—her entire nervous system—not to panic. Not to rebel. “Oh my god,” she repeated. “Why did I eat that? I feel sick.”

“Interesting,” Helena said yet again.

“Please stop saying that. I don’t want to be interesting when you say it like that.”

“No, you don’t,” Helena affirmed, and Myka could make no sense of that at all.

Ida sighed. “Oh, but the rabbits. I didn’t expect this... disappointment.”

“Thought you’d sussed that out already,” Pete said. “What with no cleanup on aisle three.”

“I knew they couldn’t have been real. But apparently I still believed in them.”

Helena exhaled, audibly, before saying, “Belief does make its home in a stubborn part of the brain.”

“That doesn’t sound very science-y,” Pete said.

“It’s far older than science,” Helena told him.

“Just like you,” he jabbed, but it was halfhearted. “Yeah, okay. But just as well you didn’t, then, with the girlfriend. Think how much worse she’d feel right this minute.”

“What are a few hours of reprieve worth?” Helena asked.

Was that rhetorical? Myka answered anyway: “Less than nothing, if you don’t know they’re a reprieve while you’re in them.”

Helena’s gaze might have been about to harden into a glare, but Ida said, “Reprieves are usually short. So is life. Or it’s long, but it’s always, always more precious than we pretend. Isn’t it, H.G. Wells?”

Helena blinked—unaccompanied by a head-tilt, so not her I’m quite surprised blink, but a cousin. “You are observant,” she said.

“I don’t need a job,” Ida said. She looked at Myka, who muttered, “Retirement someday for everybody.”

Helena blinked again; again, it was a surprise-cousin. “Then I won’t offer you one. Will you accept thanks?”

“I will. And I’ll thank you back: it’s certainly held my interest, this show. With all its charming leads.”

Pete said, “You’re still my favorite. Even though I know Bering and Wells are your favorites.”

“Let me know when you get a love interest,” Ida advised. “Then we’ll see.”

He didn’t look at Helena, not even a glance; Myka was watching. “Will do,” he said. Of course his Helena-complicated past wasn’t fixed, just like Myka and Helena’s complicated-by-everything past wasn’t. None of that would ever be fixed. But it was better—it could be better—and Myka could see the difference, the better, there in his not-glance.

She said to Ida, “Thank you. For it all. Can you tell Mr. Leland a good story about where the microphone disappeared to? Make him believe it?”

“All he’ll care about is that Ginny’s pie won. What I really need to do is figure out what to tell Agnes. She’ll be so disappointed... not to mention confused.”

“Why wasn’t she there today, anyhow, ready to get crowned queen of the pies?” Pete asked.

“The rabbits gave her such a fright.”

“Tell her they ate her pie.”

Ida frowned at him. “First, won’t she have stopped believing in them? And second, rabbits don’t like citrus.”

“Ha!” Pete crowed. “Then they probably wouldn’t like preserves or conserves, would they!”

That got him a teacherly approving nod from Ida. “Very good. You can come back next year and be my assistant.”

“Look out,” Myka said. “He’ll take you up on it.”

“That would be fine,” said Ida. “In fact if you all wanted to come and do another episode next year, it would be fine. I could look forward to it. Like one of those reunion TV-movies.”

“These days they’d just remake the show, recast all the parts,” Pete told her.

She patted his shoulder. “I doubt even Meryl Streep could do justice to your appreciation for Rosebud.”

“The One Where They Go to the Fair! Starring Meryl Streep as Pete Lattimer!” he said, clearly delighted by the idea. “I mean, it’d take a Streep to really get a handle on the fullness of me.”

“Good luck, Meryl,” said Myka.

Helena said, “The Fullness of Pete Lattimer, A Play in Three Acts: Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.”

“With snack entr’actes, right?” Myka asked.

Helena nodded, adding, “Plus midnight-snack envoi. Although that doesn’t really apply to a play, does it?”

Pete waved whoa-stop hands at her. “If it’s a snack, it better be part of that play. It’s a good scene for the TV-movie, though: Meryl, chowing down on S’mores Pop-Tarts in some night kitchen in South Dakota, remembering how sad she was when she said this line coming up right now.” He gathered himself theatrically, then gazed with mournful eyes at the sled. “Bye, Rosebud. You got mojo.” To Ida, he said, “I’m pretty sure you do too. We really could put in a word about a job.”

“Happily retired,” Ida said.

“Just as well. I’ve said it before, people doing what we do, they end up crazy, evil, or dead.”

“Is that an effective recruiting slogan?”

“Only if you’re Ms. Trifecta here,” Pete said, tilting his head at Helena. “She heard that and was all, ‘Sign me up!’”

“Quit it,” Myka told him, but milder than she might have said it, even two days ago. She took Helena’s hand again, though, to make sure she knew Myka meant it, no matter how mild. Helena rewarded her with an even more bone-cutting clasp than usual.

“Sane, good, and alive, that’s what you all seem to be right now,” Ida said. “Please keep it that way.”

They all hugged her goodbye. “I’m not a hugger,” she protested before each hug—but before each one, she again wore that wide smile.

“I’m not either,” Myka told her.

“I am!” exclaimed Pete, accurately.

“But human contact,” Helena said, like an apology, though Myka heard in it the echo of deprivation. And that was accurate too.

Ida seemed to agree, for she held onto Helena a second longer than she had Myka or Pete. “I told you I’m not a science fiction fan, and that’s true. But I liked Ann Veronica very much,” she said. “Particularly the ending.”

“Nobody got the flu,” Myka agreed.

“That was...” Helena cleared her throat. “Someone else’s work. Entirely.”

Ida said, “Someone else believed in happy endings. Entirely?”

“I suppose he did. I remember that. I remember arguing about sentimentality.”

“It’s important to remember what you do remember. What you said about that radio interview... I don’t have a recording of my late husband’s voice. I’ve thought about that more than I expected to.”

Helena’s voice, Myka thought, I didn’t—still don’t—have it anywhere but in my head. It was a new thought, one that chilled her. If Pete had smashed the coin, then Emily Lake’s voice forever. It made her want to record Helena’s voice right that minute: Helena saying “good morning,” Helena reading aloud the placard in front of the Welles exhibit, Helena reciting “The Owl and the Pussycat”... anything at all. She suspected Ida would have said the same thing about her husband’s voice, given the opportunity, and as for what that suggested about how all-in she herself was with Helena? It shouldn’t have come as any surprise, and it didn’t. But the force of it did.

Helena hugged Ida once more, and this time, she was the one who clung an extra second. “Happy endings,” Myka heard Ida say: her closing argument. Helena nodded against her shoulder.

Yes, in more ways than Myka would have thought possible: a very educational trip.

TBC

Note about the real world: as far as I can determine, if there actually were, or actually had been, a Welles exhibit at the museum in question, it would probably be, or have been, on the second floor, but I wanted to get the mammoths in there, so I let everybody stay on the first floor. Mammoth fossils are honestly bonkers to look at; the tusks are unbelievably large compared to the rest of the body (I know they had a lot of flesh and particularly fur, hence “woolly,” but still). And the feet! They’re fossilized comedy routines.

Also I suppose I should apologize, or something, for stringing this thing out with shorter parts rather than ending it with a longer, solid punch of denouement, but this is how the writing has proceeded, and one pleasant aspect of this write-for-free-on-the-internet hobby is that the work can find the form it seems to prefer. Within reason.

#bering and wells #Warehouse 13 #fanfic #Mercury #part 12

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abkdkzine · 5 years

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Important Message About Recent Concerns

Hey there! Thank you so much for tuning in. This is Mod Ari. I want to apologise in advance because I wrote most of this around 3 AM and didn’t finish most of it until around 9 AM on Wednesday, so I’m afraid I may not be as articulate as I probably would have been hours beforehand. Since then, I’ve been trying to sort out all of the information I’ve gathered from people as well discuss everything with my mod team. I also apologise because this message is going to be very long. But, I come to everyone to address a concern that has been present since the very beginning of this project, and that is the presence of our finance mod Fiama/Fif.

Now, before I delve deeper into this topic, I want everyone to know that the issue I spoke of in a Twitter post I made a while ago isn’t exactly a true issue because it is more of a heavy concern found among a few people. I hope to defuse that by the end of this long message. The real issue is that I have failed to communicate to everyone about my decision to let her stay and that I have let these concerns grow until people have become uneasy with our zine’s management. In this message, I will discuss about the steps my team and I has taken in order to (hopefully) clear everyone’s doubts. Please bear with me and know that I speak with certainty, utmost honesty, and with respect to many people’s feelings about the matter.

First of all, I want everyone to know that this zine is the first one I have ever started on my own. I dove into this project while only being in the BNHA fandom for around 7 or so months, absolutely enamoured with the KatsuDeku relationship, and with no online zine modding experience other than being an artist in a few. The only experience I have comes from real life volunteer work as well as from my part-time job, so I opened moderator applications in hopes of getting some help and advice while being open to letting a few newcomers learn with me. But please do not think I was not capable of organising small projects and reviewing finances before this project because I was and I am. I learnt a little bit of financing from my own mother who is excellent at budgeting (as she has been through many hardships as a result of living in poverty), from my schools and classes throughout high school and current college career, and retail job (which is also where I learnt how to ship lots of packages and keep up with orders). It just never hurt to have another person, or a few others, who have previous experience help me along the way because zines are run very differently and I didn’t know how financing in zines usually worked. So, I joined other projects as moderators to see if theirs were done similarly and I wasn’t disappointed.

If I recall correctly among all of the mod applications, only two people had experience with handling finances, so I chose the one whom I thought was the better choice, which was Fif. Now, please remember that I was very new to the fandom especially in this ship (wherein back then, I only knew a group of people who I was comfortable talking to, and now I know whole communities!); and so at the time, I had no idea about who Fif is and the history she has with the zines listed in her application. This is relevant because when I revealed that she was a part of our team, two people immediately came to me and warned me about the zines she used to be a part of, what her behaviour is said to be like, and what is said she has been known to do.

I humbly ask everyone to understand that I was blissfully ignorant to the happenings within the zine scene because I was brand new to it all, but please know that I still heeded their warnings with high regards and proceeded to tell my editor/beta mod, Maj, about it (who was the first person I appointed as a co-mod and is a dear friend whom I know I can trust with everything). Both of us became cautious, but because I wasn’t sure what to believe (and I partly wanted to see for myself if the behaviour they warned me about is true), I allowed Fif to continue being in my team—but not without strongly reaffirming my position as the head of this zine. I asked for everyone’s cooperation with as much honesty as they can give me, and I told them they will receive everything I have to offer and more in return.

I believe it was at that point that everyone developed a sense of respect for one another because while we work in different areas, we all have the ability to interfere with each other’s works without needing immediate help from other people. We all had initiative and enough individual skill to make up for someone else’s errors. From then on, we communicated very often, and everyone follows the tasks I give them. We’re an efficient team with good communication, but the only unfortunate situation that had us scrambling about is that our schedules started to get out of sync due to us all being college students, which has caused us to delay completing the feedback emails (of which I personally apologise for because I am in charge of writing them).

The reason why I let Fif stay is because she has done nothing suspicious or has said (or done) anything to affect this fanzine in any way to make me believe that she is everything that people have been warning me about. I say this with complete honesty: I have seen nothing but genuine intentions on her part, and while I find it true that she is sometimes inactive, I never expected her to do any of the work I had already assigned to the rest of my team and she has always communicated to us all about the reasons why she has to be away for certain periods of time. She’s done as I have told her, answered anything I asked of her, gave her opinion when I needed it, completed the financial sheet decently, has explained to me her thought processes, let me review and check the numbers on my own, and that is all I needed from her. The rest is under my and the other mods’ control. Madin, Maj, and Grim can all attest to this, and if need be, we will provide evidence to anyone who does not believe it to be true. But after a long discussion with all three of them, we have come to a conclusion with an extremely difficult decision.

Fiama will no longer be a part of our moderator team. We have asked her to leave our project, not without remorse, and she has been removed from the server and all of our accounts.

I’ve thought about the necessary precautions in case we decided to keep her, with all the initial warnings in mind, but recently an acquaintance of mine who I also co-mod with in another zine has come to me about his experiences and is extremely worried that this zine will also be affected by so many possibilities. He has given me enough information about the zines Fif used to be a part of and how they were all handled, so I respect his opinion very highly because he was in the direct line of fire when Hallowzine happened.

A few of our contributors has also expressed their worries to me, and now that a potential customer has also done the same, I wanted to assure everyone that we have already discussed our decision with Fif herself. The information I gathered from my own research and from talking to a few sources held enough weight for all of us to become reasonably wary. So, I have communicated my own suspicions to Fif herself, and she undoubtedly understands, and I hope that everyone currently reading this message does as well, that I do not tolerate malicious intentions of any kind and that I am a woman of my words—that while I may be an amicable person, I am not weak and I will always persist in my decisions.

That being said, I want to give everyone some insights, and although small as it is, I hope it brings anyone who reads this message a sense of comfort that we are running our zine as smoothly it can.

For starters, I had established in the beginning that I will be the one handling money in this project. The payment systems I have created are both connected to my personal bank accounts, but I am allowing my entire team access to it so that they, as well as everyone else involved in the zine, can have the reassurance that I do not hold any malicious intent with the money sent to those accounts. However, if anything suspicious happens to the money at anytime during the pre-orders period, rest assured that anyone in the team or I will be closing the accounts immediately and freeze this project momentarily until we find a solution to whatever issue that may arise. I highly doubt that any of my moderators have the desire to steal money for personal and evil purposes, but I want everyone to know that I can be trusted too.

Secondly, I have contacted an acquaintance and a colleague from my part-time job, both of whom are accounting majors, to help me look over the financial sheet. My acquaintance and I have reviewed it together a few days ago, and we did not find anything suspicious or wrong with it; and before that, I had reviewed it several times myself to see the progress made on the sheet. My friend has done so as well yesterday and shares the same thoughts. So, I believe it is safe to say that the budgeting is done correctly, but because we have officially removed Fif from the project, we will have to make slight adjustments to the sheet. It is still under discussion, but one of the options I presented to my mods is that we can invite my acquaintance and help us out for a bit, at least to re-organise the sheet. It’s only an option however because we have yet to see if she’s needed or not. As previously mentioned, the team and I are all capable of handling the job ourselves, but we’ll definitely give out more information about what we’ll decide on doing.

Lastly, in an ask I had answered previously, an anon wanted to know if there were any funds saved for emergencies or for the contributors, and I want to relay what I said in here too: I have $800 saved up for this project, or more specifically for the contributors, but I can and will use it to cover anything lost should there be any unfortunate events in the future. This $800 is my investment and testament as to how seriously I treat this project, and I know that the rest of my mods (as well as close friends) will do their best to pitch in with anything they can offer.

In the end, we have done all we could to ensure the safety of this project, our contributors, and our potential customers. I support the absolute validity of all their concerns just as I fully respect everyone’s opinions. The rest of the team has their own reservations about Fif’s zine history, but we were absolutely prepared and had precautions set just in case we decided to let her stay. Either way, even without her aid, Wanderlust will continue to run strong because I believe that the team I chose is capable on their own feet and are versatile enough that I believe they can handle everything even without my presence in this project.

It shakes my morality to the core knowing that Fif did not do anything wrong during the course of this project, that it is not entirely fair of me or the rest of the mods to do so; but we will always hold the safety of our contributors and future customers with the highest priority.

To end this long and arduous note, I can only humbly ask everyone to place their trust in us—in Madin, in Maj, in Grim, in ME. Because while I know we have our own faults to improve on, being in this team has already helped teach us things we need to know in any future projects. We will continue to be as transparent and honest as we have been since the very beginning. We’re just so, so sorry that this has and is causing so many people to doubt us, but I cannot blame anyone for it. I can only place that blame onto myself for not knowing her background when I should have been more responsible and researched it. For that, I want to apologise for ever causing such a feeling to surface. To the people who has seen and felt the consequences of the fallout regarding Hallowzine or any other zines that ended in a similar light, I want to apologise as well because I’m sure that those situations must have been incredibly difficult to deal with, and it must have been uncomfortable knowing that the possibility of history repeating itself again was plausible.

I hope that you all may have the heart to forgive my oversights and that you do not place any blame onto my team. Know that I will take full responsibility and accountability in the event that our project fails for any reason—however, I am absolutely certain that it will never happen because I trust my three co-mods with all my heart. It’s only up to you now to decide whether we are still worthy of your trust, and whether I am worthy of that trust.

I’ll end my statement with this: Wanderlust will remain strong so as long as I or the rest of my team are here to run it.

If there is anything else we can do to reassure you, please let us know and we’ll try our best to address this.

In behalf of my moderator team and with great sincerity,

Mod Ari

#update #important message #mod ari speaks

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mgrt-blog · 6 years

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I Chose

It’s been quite some time since I even thought about signing in here, let alone actually doing it.

All the posts before this were from a different person. A young lad with the world in front of him. I was going to be a world class engineer; touring the continents, maybe get featured in a magazine or an award or something - I don’t know.

Here I sit, the sum of my decisions, the choices I have made. I’ve always been happy with my impulsive nature - always trusted it, even. But luck only lasts so long.

I made a choice a few years ago. It’s time to settle, have kids, have a house, have a car and have a puppy. I found her, I chose her, I worked on us to be together. I pushed (In hindsight, unfairly) for her to move hundreds of miles. Hundreds of miles from her family, friends, homeland. From her people, accent, mistakes and triumphs, proud moments and shameful ones. I thought I wanted to be that engineer before-mentioned, but it turns out I wanted her more.

We’ve known each other for almost 13 years now and she is the most unique thing in this world. There is no-one like her. But there was more to her than I knew.

My eagerness to be complete and whole made me sloppy and impatient. We moved in together very quickly - certainly far too quickly, I know that now. Things became rough, quickly. At first I thought I was becoming a violent, snappy and impatient person, or maybe I’d chosen someone that was those things and it was rubbing off on me? Shit, I don’t know. We both palmed it off as two stubborn and passionate people learning to not have to rely on only ourselves for everything.

Then the doubt started to settle in.

And my stubbornness didn’t fail me. And I’m glad for that, because I would have missed what so many men before me missed.

We moved house together. From a one bed council flat with our young puppy, to a 3 bedroom semi-detached. I put every bit of my knowledge and skill into that place. I knew there was something wrong but I didn’t know what.

Then it happened. The breakdown. Not weakness, but actually the result of many years of “Dealing With It”. You know, just getting on with it, pretending you’re alright so that you can pay rent, have a career and try and live some kind of life. I didn’t see it coming, she didn’t see it coming.

The strongest woman in the world, crumbled before my eyes. She had to rely on a man who could barely rely on himself. Turns out I’m probably better at looking after others than myself. She went off on the sick and I picked up extra work. Dealt with suicide attempts, episodes of self harm, lashing out, impulsive and destructive behaviour and so on. Eventually, I pushed for the doctor, once I showed her how... well, not usual, the behaviour was.

She accepted this. She had the strength still to keep her mind open and reassess everything she knew. I couldn’t have done it if I were her. I’d have buckled and be 6 feet under, but she is a survivor.

Fast forward two mental hospital stays, countless pills, suicide attempts, cuts, fights, nights of crying, migraines, vomiting and debt letters later and we find ourselves in March.

I have terrible credit, bad money sense and control, horrific prioritisation of personal funds - Fuck, call it what you like; Me and money don’t work together. So, I dropped the ball a lot with bills and funding debts. That’s on me. That will always be on me. So when I couldn’t keep hiding the letters whilst I figured out how to fix the money problems, it got real ugly, real quick.

She knew of my past debts and wasn’t happy to say the least, but I promised to get my shit together. Turns out, I fucked up again (Yes, under different circumstances, but still) and she couldn’t keep that frustration to herself. I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t be able to either. But I chose to try and shield her from mistakes. That is, until I couldn’t anymore. You see, she’s too smart to be lied to. Too smart to have things hidden from her. Even battling what she was battling in her own mind, she was still the smartest damned woman I ever knew.

Prior to this time, I had decided there was going to be a handful of things I wouldn’t stand for. I would not stand for:

1. Being called Selfish

2. Being told I make her life worse

3. Being told I’m hated

There were a lot more things I wouldn’t accept, but you can probably see where I’m going here.

She said them all in a 24 hour period. More times than I count. I chose to leave.

I chose to fucking leave. Yeah, I know I chose to leave. I chose to leave her there, in that house, alone with our dog, with no income, with no-one else to be there, with nothing else in her life.

What a fucking cunt. Yeah, I can hear you thinking it. What an absolute fucking waste of carbon and oxygen I ended up being - that I am.

I don’t feel good about any of it. I have my new place now and a new career and the only person I have to answer to is myself. Problem being, I judge myself more than any of you. How could I leave her like that? How could I be the person she would hate for the rest of her life? Compare every man to? Compromise her future love life because of?

I took ill to glandular fever when I was run down after being in A+E with her after an overdose. When I was 20, the doctor had never seen an immune system like mine. at 24 (At the time), I may as well have had HIV.

I was not healthy. Possibly dying. I had mild swelling on the brain, inflammation in my lungs, an ulcer in my stomach, pain everywhere I could imagine having pain - I was a mess. I was more than likely dying. No, fuck it: I was dying. I was!

You know, Facebook, Twatter, Instascam and all that shit, you see about those who have their problems, but you don’t see shit about the people who try and help them.

I lost my childhood friends, my colleagues, my brothers, the people I trusted. My family thought I hated them.

But her family. Her past loves, friends, colleagues, doctors and nurses. Everyone one of them missed it. They missed every single symptom, cry for help, distinguishable feature from a healthy individual to a damaged hero.

I loved her. And I know I still love her. And I probably always will. But she’s learned from being anywhere near me, hopefully things that will keep her safe, happy and healthy. I hope I was the only version of me she ever meets. I hope the next guy doesn’t have to do what I had to do for her. I hope there is a bundle of happiness awaiting her. And so fucking help me God, if someone ever takes advantage of her again, it will be the last mistake they ever make.

I can’t be around you any more, my little poop. You need to be happy again. You need to only remember me for the things that will help you in the future, and forget me for every wrong thing I ever did or said. Don’t let our two years be in vain. Do not let my mistakes be your mistakes. I promised you that you would be happy. I pushed your boat out, you started rowing - sooner or later, you will be picked up by the current and you will travel the world.

I promise you that I will be here when there is no-one else. I promise you that I will always care. We cannot ever be what we were and I think it wasn’t the best for us - I see that now. Just make sure he’s right for you sweetie. I have to let go of you. I have been selfish and that makes me a pretty shitty person and you absolutely do not deserve that.

I haven’t sent you this for a reason. If my friends find this, I’m not in a dangerous frame of mind. I fully intend to keep living because I know there are people who need me. Lil poop, if you find this, Just know I left this for you to find organically, because I know that when you need things the most, you will always find them. You are a beautiful little tank of raw explosives.

Keep being phenomenal. The world needs your strength.

#CrystalS #EUPD #Carer #Mistakes #LessonLearned #itsokaytonotbeokay

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insanityvirus13 · 6 years

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Absentia Phantom The (Resistance’s Assassin) King’s “Loyal Subject”

HEY LOOK WHAT I FINISHED LAST NIGHT! I finally finished that WIP I showed you guys like 2 weeks back. I was supposed to post it last night, but I was really tired by the time I finished it, and was… really lazy 😅

In all honesty, this is pretty high on the “best pieces I’ve ever done” list, especially in the short time-frame I did it in. Hope you guys like it 💛 **I tried following in Genevieve’s footsteps with a little hidden detail. Hint: It’s partially hidden behind an accessory, let’s see if you can find it~ AU King Drye: @dryeguy @kingdrye Fic Writer: @dex-ter-ous Creator: @undertale-cat

(click the “Read More” to know the bio on her. Warning: It’s long XD)

>> Accessing Information… << >> Password Level III Required << //dear-mother //foolish-father //my-loyal-subject >> Authenticating… << >> Access: Granted <<

~Profile~

Real Name: ??? Code Name: Absentia Phantom Nicknames/Aliases: Tia, Abby, Phantom Girl, “His Loyal Subject” Gender: Female Age: Early to Mid-20’s Details: A former assassin of The Resistance. She specialized in taking out her targets quickly & quietly, and - if possible - to get as much information out of them as she could. During one of her missions to interrogate & assassinate an enemy spy, she got outnumbered & captured by the King’s men. With her capture, she now reluctantly serves under the King as his “Loyal Subject.”

Backstory: Tia remembers very little from her childhood. Due to a large fire causing childhood trauma, she is now an amnesiac to her life before The Resistance. The only thing she remembers is sitting alone in a burnt house, crying her eyes out. That is when a Resistance member, who would soon become her most trusted companion, found her. She was apparently the only survivor in a village-wide fire. After that, she started to train with other Resistance members, and feeling like she was an adopted family member She quickly realized how much easier it was for her than most to slip away from others unnoticed and surprise them of her presence at the same time. She could become unnoticed in a crowd, slip away without a word, and easily be unheard by others. She turned this silent aspect of herself into a weapon, becoming a great assassin for the Resistance. She did many missions for the Resistance & fought with them in many battles during her time with them. While she cared for her fellow-members like family, she honestly saw no point to the Resistance. She felt it a fool’s dream to believe they could actually defeat the King’s army, even if she wasn’t a fan of the current King’s rule. She only stayed & fought with them because she owed the Resistance her life, from all those years ago. During one of her missions to interrogate & assassinate an enemy spy, she & two other members with her got outnumbered by the King’s men. Unlike her colleagues, who - in her eyes - left her for dead, she was captured, beaten, and thrown in a cell. With no other means than death to pledge her allegiance, she now serves under the King as his “Loyal Subject.”

Quotes:

“Most do not know of my real name, because most do not deserve the privilege to speak it, so why should they be even allowed to hear it? Only 1 man deserved that trust from me, and he’s long gone now. So tell me, my King… Are you truly worthy enough to keep my name?”

“Insanity is like a deathly virus. It’ll infect your body, your mind, and before you even realize what has happened, your soul will have already started to succumb to it. That is why I fear this kingdom & it’s king, because I’m afraid that their madness has already infected me.”

“You will remember me. One way or another, I’ll be written into history. Whether I die the hero or live to be the villain matters not to me. All that matters is that my name & legacy lives on. I will be remembered.”

Skills

Highly skilled with handheld weaponry. Any type of close-ranged, handheld weapon, she can be considered a master in. Prefers to use knives & throwable items for their light weight & easy concealment.

Can easily disappear/hide from others. Whether it be in plain sight, the shadows, or just places you wouldn’t expect, she can always stay on the down-low if the situation calls for it.

A manipulator. She can easily manipulate others to make herself seem trustworthy & innocent. She hates to do this, but it has gotten her out of some sticky situations. She will only use this technique in emergencies.

An entertainer. Whether it be with her music, acting, or artwork, she can easily entertain a crowd & distract someone from whatever troubles ails them. She’ll gladly step up to the plate to entertain others at a moment’s notice.

Flaws:

A mask-wearer. She feels as if she would be a burden to others if she told them her true feelings, her problems, and etc. Because of this, she’s becoming used to masking her true emotions, while trying to face most of her problems & anxiety on her own.

A soft-hearted individual. She always feels obligated to help others who are in distress or any type of pain. This has led to sticky situations in the past. She can also easily be susceptible to manipulation due to this.

Has a snarky attitude. She’s always had some wit with her, and she isn’t one for taking someone’s crap for long. While she quickly learned to hold her tongue when the King is around, she usually likes to slip in some subtle sarcasm here & there.

Unhinged. The longer that she stays under The King’s influence, the more his own madness starts to take a toll & effect on her. She’s torn between her hatred of what the King has done to her & the country, and her admiration and growing affections for him. Include this with his “training” for her, it’s no wonder she’s about to fall off the edge into the deep end.

Relationships:

Rogue: ”My old leader, master & King… he was always so loving, courageous, & kind. He stands as a great King to me, one this country desperately needs. I loved working for him, & I honestly miss him at times. Even as I am now, I still sometimes find myself praying that he & his people can win this war somehow. I’ll always have only the highest of respects for my old King… And I pray to God that he forgives me for my betrayal.”

Lieutenant Eris: “She’s definitely a professional when it comes to her line of trade and fieldwork. I heard she helped Lieutenant Cat when he got his throat injury. She reminds me of King Rogue in a lot of ways. Kind, caring, parent-like, intelligent, a good sense of morality. I’d more prefer her as an ally than an enemy. She’s definitely hiding something though, I can feel it. She’s keeping something behind a sort of mask, but I can’t tell what.”

Jenny: “We’ve never met in person, and I’ve only heard mere rumors about her. If the rumors about her… Practices, are true though, she’d… definitely be an interesting person to meet.”

Hawker: “I don’t know much about them. I did hear something about them being a creation of Mage Maxis, but that’s about all I know. If that is the case though, well, then I’ll keep cautious and on their good side if I ever get the chance to meet them.”

Court Mage Maxis: ”He frightens me. Don’t get me wrong, his work has caught my interests in many way. I’ve always loved magic and the arcane, and necromancy is extremely hard to learn. It’s like an art, in the sense. Though it’s the way he presents himself & acts around me, it can be offly nerve-racking. He also has a tendency to describe what he does to the dead bodies he collects, & how mine’s would be of a ‘special interest’ to him. I respect him, but I’m honestly afraid he’ll try to dissect or curse me or something, if given the opportunity.

Lieutenant Cat: We respect each other, even if it’s a bit of a strained respect. We got off to a rocky start, both of us distrusting and disliking the other, but we’ve slowly let our guard down around one another. I know he’s still keeping a close watch on me though, in case I want to try anything, but at least he’s willing to help me pick out a good book, or give me feedback on a piece I drew. Though I still always have a feeling of unease in the back of my mind when I’m around him. I feel he thinks of me as a sort of competition for the King’s affection & attention, & I honestly don’t know how to feel about that.”

King Drye: “…Complicated… to say the least…. How he feels about me, I know not. I know he wants to use me for… something, but he also treats me so kindly & hides almost nothing from me. He seems so genuine at times. I can’t tell if he truly cares or not. How I feel about him is even more of a mystery. On one hand, I fear him as much as I would fear The Devil himself. He’s a complete and utter madman, & everyone knows it. Hell, I think even he knows it himself. He’s a manipulative, violent, arrogant, impatient, psychotic, intolerant, oppressing, megalomaniac with a helluva God-complex. The list can go on with what’s wrong with his head. And yet, with that fear… also comes a great respect & admiration for him. Someone with that intelligence, that charm, that power of persuasion, that skill on the battlefield, someone who can manipulate his people to both fear & love him, the way he takes his weaknesses & turns them into strengths… that’s something to truly admire. Plus, his past makes me both pity & proud of him. Even after everything, he still stands. He’s hurt & scarred for life, but still standing. I admire that courage… but I so wish I could take away those pains. There’s so much to fear admire about him, so much to learn that I can’t help but be intrigued. I know shouldn’t be falling for such a tyrant, and yet my heart cannot help it. His madness is honestly infectious. I’d swear to you that if I didn’t know any better, I’d think the man really is the Devil himself… or an Incubus at least.

(BONUS) Genevieve: “She’s too pure for King Drye, too innocent. She’s too kind, too caring, too loving, too… too much of an Angel for someone of the likes of him. She honestly doesn’t belong in a war such as this. I feel as if we could be good friends, and that she used to be a good member for the Resistance. I pray that she can escape soon. She doesn’t deserve to be manipulated by the likes of him… And no one deserves what is about to be coming her way next.

Trivia:

She’s an insomniac due to her anxiety & constant nightmares. It’s not often she can get a good night’s sleep.

If she can’t seem to sleep, she likes to pass the time by either reading, writing, or drawing.

If she is not singing, she will most likely be humming a quiet tune to herself.

She joined the Resistance after one of their members - who would become her trusted companion - saved her from a fire.

Her companion has been missing for over a year, after a large battle with King Drye’s army that left many casualties. Most believe he is dead since they never found his body, but she likes to believe that he is still out there somewhere, just waiting…

She got her scar in the same battle her companion went missing in. She was caught off guard by one of the King’s knights and had a knife slice her eye. She is now completely blind in the right eye.

She’ll usually try to cover the scar with her hair. She mostly does it as to not draw attention to herself, but she has admitted to being embarrassed about it, believing it to be a sign of weakness.

It’s been widely said that the name she uses is a code name. No one knows what her real name is.

It’s also been said that only 1 person knows her real name, but no one know who it could be.

#dryeguy #evil drye au #evil drye #king drye #oc #original character #character insert #my art #art #digital art #portrait #I'm honestly really proud of this piece #the shading's a bit inconsistent due to complications but other than that #i'm very happy with how this turned out #^.^#absentia #Absentia Phantom

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