#as when people act like the bats are the most special weirdest guys

[oifaaa]

cw / tw: death

thoughts on those sorts of people making jason todd's death his entire personality?

Like I understand where people are coming from bc Jason's death was such a big event thing and people like focusing on it but at the same time it gives off the Jason's the most special little guy he died vibes I hate bc that's just a thing that happens to comic book characters they die they come back to life when you make Jason dying his whole personality it comes off as very surface level understanding especially when you remember he's not even the only main bat that's died damian, cass, steph and dick have all died

#ask #anon #ive finding it hard to explain rn #bc my brain is dead #but it does just give me the same vibes #as when people act like the bats are the most special weirdest guys #every one is shocked at how weird the bats are #no theyre not actually #everyone a weirdo in dc #whats special about the bats is theyre all assholes #that no one else can tolerate #same with jason death #jasons death in a meta context was huge #but in universe #its easier to list off who hasnt died #making dying be jasons whole personality #it makes him seem self absorb and shallow #and also leads to the over importance of joker #and jason becoming stagnant from a story perspective #thanks i hate it

[arcanescholar]

Hard To Find The Right Words

Omori Post True Good Ending Spoilers. 

Aubrey having a tough time, etc etc. Enjoy maybe??? Might get more chapters later if I feel like it???????????? FUCK????????????

Ch 2 

On the long, long list of “shit Aubrey’s had to put up with” for the past few days…

This special, insidious sort of dizziness has gotta be a new one. Seriously, give a girl a break right? Who the fuck is able to handle this many highs and lows at once? It’s enough to make her head spin, and the hospital taking her bat away wasn’t helping matters.

The words that tumbled from Sunny’s placid, stony expression, his singular eye barely betraying the shaky, unsteady difficulty in handling recounting the story, made her stomach turn.

Shit, what a time to be thinking about what she had for lunch. If it comes back up right now she might straight up die of embarrassment y’know?

She couldn’t even turn her attention to Kel or Hero but, with the way the younger had to take a step back and struggle to find any words, and how the elder seemed to freeze like a statue, she had a feeling they were in just as bad of a spot.

“… and, that’s what happened.”

Sunny finally finishes recounting his story, and before he can say another word, Hero is already lunging, Ken barely able to snag his less-in-shape brother before he gets the chance to do whatever he was about to.

Aubrey, though…?

Years of anger, years of hatred and fury and bottled up impatience, a near lifetime of bitterness bubbles in her gut and sends her vision swimming.

Huh.

She just remembered, it was pizza.

Weird, why is Sunny getting so much taller? Kel? Hero? How come her knees started hurting suddenly-

Oh.

Oh, her legs gave out. That makes sense. God, her hair’s getting in her eyes, was it already starting to lose its color? Why is it so hard to focus on anything right now? She should be pissed! She should be picking up hospital equipment and chucking it out a window right now! So why can’t she move?! Why?!

For once, Aubrey can’t summon up her anger. For the first time in who only knows how long, she feels like the scared little girl that had to hide away when holes got punched into walls, that covered her head in her room and squeezed herself into a corner with her rabbit when the arguing got too loud. Her breath catches in her throat and refuses to let up. Is she going to die?

She can’t handle this again. Not now. She’s not strong enough, she’s not tough enough to deal with this-

….

Pap

… A hand rests against her head. That brief touch is enough to peel back the veil and drag focus back kicking and screaming into reality. She almost reflexively goes to turn and smack the hand out of the way, only to realize part way through her turn that it was just Basil’s arm, flopping out from the mattress and accidentally brushing against her head for a moment. The boy was still asleep, still a mess of injuries that made her nearly throw up seeing him in that state.

She might have bullied him, fantasized about beating him to an inch of his life, thought about crushing that bat of hers against his skull more times than she could count. She might have turned that weapon on Kel and Sunny both at least once before, but…

Seeing him like this, seeing Sunny with that eye patch, having lost sight in one of his eyes for what might be the rest of his life?

…

She takes Basil’s hand in hers and carefully stands up. Hero and Kel had been shouting for at least a minute now, she’s not sure how long it’s been since they started processing what happened in their own way. A shove is all Hero needs to finally get out of Kel’s grip, giving him time to damn near sprint out of the room, tackling the door hard enough to almost knock it off of its hinges before dashing out of the room.

Almost without thinking, Kel dips out, rushing after his brother with words that only come across like muffled noises in Aubrey’s ears.

… … …

There was a time when she confided in Mari, a time when she spoke to her about what was happening back at home, she remembered the pain in the older girl’s face, and the words she told her as she let Aubrey rest her head in her lap one quiet afternoon, just between the two of them.

“It’s not my place to say, but… If I could, I’d adopt you right now and give you the biggest welcome to the family hug I could…! Family should never hurt family. No one should ever raise a hand to a loved one and mean it, and the fact that they’re scaring you like that just isn’t right…” The older sister murmured at the time. Aubrey remembers now, Mari brushed her fingers through her hair in a really specific and special way that she almost forgot about.

It was like tracing little circles into her skin with her fingers, like trying to massage the fear from her brain, reaching in deep and grasping the wellspring of her despair and coaxing it out to let her think clearly again…

“When you get older… When things seem tough and scary and you don’t know what to do, that you feel like you’ve got nowhere else you can turn to. You might want to get mad, you might get really furious at having to deal with so much as a kid, but… Promise me, you won’t turn that anger on your friends, okay? Take a breath-”

… Haaaaahhh…

“-center yourself-”

Aubrey gives Basil’s hand a light squeeze. She can hear the hum of medical equipment and the sound of Hero and Kel’s footsteps retreating again.

“-and remember all the precious people you have in your life.”

She wasn’t the sort to pay the most attention to school, but, in this moment, a line she read in a book she had to read a few weeks back crosses her mind again.

“They asked, ‘do you love her to death’? And I said ‘speak of her over my grave, and watch how she brings me back to life’.” (1)

Funny how things dredge up in your memory at the weirdest possible moments, she thinks. For the first time, she’s starting to understand at least some of what those words really mean. 

…

After a moment, she carefully tucks Basil’s hand back into the bed, before letting loose a light huff through her nose. He’s still sleeping, if a bit more fitfully from all the noise.

“… Kh. Don’t gotta remind me like that y’know? Puts a bad taste in my mouth…” She nearly spits, trying to mask herself with bitterness.

It wouldn’t be long before hospital security came to drag Sunny back to his bed and cut this conversation short, she had to act fast.

She steps forward, and without hesitation, reaches up… and presses her hand on Sunny’s head, rubbing her fingers through his hair, tracing circles and massaging with a silent, stony expression that matches his own. She was still sick to her stomach, her balance was still terrifically uneasy, but…

“… I’ll come talk to you again later, okay?”

She pulls her hand back, and gives him a light punch to his shoulder before stepping out of the room.

“For what it’s worth…” She says, pausing in the door frame as she hears the sounds of shoes squeaking against tile flooring as the hospital staff finally approaches to do their damn jobs.

“I kinda get it. I understand it. I’ve been there. I’m not good at talking about this kind of thing, but, if you need to talk, I can give listening a try... this time.”

Sunny was going to leave after he recovered enough for the hospital to let him loose with his frankly fucking negligent mom. There was nothing she could do that would change that, but…

At least for now, at least while he was still recovering in the hospital, she could finally, actually speak to him.

“… Thanks for opening up Sunny. Give Hero a bit. That guy’s so strung up trying to be the best of us that I guess even he’s gotta snap at some point right?”

Says the girl trying to play mom-friend to the most broken-ass friend group in the tristate area. Christ, trying to be a decent person sucks. How the fuck did Hero pull it off for so damn long?

“Aubrey…”

“Yeah Sunny?”

“… thank you. I’m sorry.”

“Kh, fuck that, I almost drowned both you and Basil. If I started whining about accidents that happened in fits of rage I’d be the worst hypocrite in history, y’know?”

“…”

“Talk to Basil and let him know what happened if he wakes up before the staff drag you back to your room or something. I’ll let ‘em know you need a sec.”

With that, she carefully shuts the door.

What she says to the staff, what kind of look she gives them is growled with enough force and tinged with enough protective violence that it gives them just enough pause for the young boys to exchange an all too important smile of mutual understanding. 

Even if Aubrey never saw it, that little moment of clarity between them saved both of their lives in a way she’d refuse to take credit for helping make happen, knowing her.

A busted, crappy, cracked-screen phone buzzes to life as she walks past the staff. God, she fucking hates it here. The way her shoes hit the tiles, the way the equipment sounds, the fact that every time she’s come here, she’s ended up crying for some reason or another-

Shit, here come the water works now. Damn it Aubrey, at least make it out the door first-

A trip and a tumble nearly sends her falling straight to the floor but, she snaps out her hand just in time to snatch onto a handrail on the side of one of the hallways, her head still spinning as she sags against the floor, her phone toppling out of her jacket’s pocket and landing on its back with a loud, spinning clatter, settling in upside down to her perspective. Tear drops spatter onto the screen, distorting the light and scattering rainbow patterns across its surface. Gah. Add that to the damage. This just isn’t her day. 

Behind a call notification, her background shows the cork board in her room with the pictures she yanked out of Basil’s album after saving them from their near ruined state, mixed in with pictures of her and her other friends she made in the time that passed since. A little bubble on the screen bounces about, showing a picture of Kim flashing a peace sign with a bright eyed wink that reflects in Aubrey’s tired eyes, refracting as it passes underneath her teardrops.  “… Hhfffhh…”

She eventually picks her phone up off the ground and answers it. A hospital staffer looks about ready to tell her off for using her phone in the hallway but, lets be honest.

The kind of glare Aubrey gives off as she very deliberately swipes her finger across the screen to accept the call is the sort that would give most adults pause.

“… Hey.”

“Aubrey!!!! You finally picked up!!!”

“…”

“I was so worried when I heard about what happened! Kh, stupid hospital not letting us in…!”

“…”

“… Aubrey? Are you there? I can kinda hear you breathing so you probably didn’t butt-accept the call or something!”

“Yeah. Yeah I’m here.”

“Jeez, how come you weren’t saying anything? Did those ner-”

An audible pause. Kim clears her throat after a second.

“Sorry, uh, did those guys get out of the woods okay…? I kinda only caught the cliffnotes of you going to the hospital from that text you sent me so…”

“They’re fine.”

Aubrey steps outside the hospital’s visiting center doors and finally breathes fresh air for the first time in what felt like days.

“Or… They’re as fine as they can be. Sort of. Kinda.” She continues, stepping over to one of the benches outside and taking a seat, drinking in the sounds of chirping birds, gentle breezes, swaying trees, and the sensation of warm sunlight… It was a beautiful day, and she didn’t feel nearly good enough to appreciate any of it.

“That’s good at least yeah? Uh… Hrmggh. I’m bad at this kinda thing but… Uh. If there’s anything you need to talk about, you can hit me and the others up at any time yeah?”

Kim’s voice was surprisingly tender, tender enough that it manages to draw a sniff out from Aubrey, forcing her to bring a hand up to her eyes and rub it across them to make sure she didn’t show any tears yet god damn it-

Ugh. Where’s Kel’s Taurine soaked brain anyway. He’s better about handling this kinda energy! Does- shit, does he even like energy drinks?

“Aubreeeeey, if you keep going silent I’m gonna think someone kidnapped you y’know. Gotta pull the whole gang together, beat up on the nearest creepos till we find you! The Maverick’s got a Style Meter App on his phone that does those shouts from that one game so we’ll even get t’ have our own hype-men-”

The thought of Michael in a parking lot with a buffer sword in one hand and a phone in the other trying to do combos for a video to put on his Way Too Many Social Media accounts hits Aubrey with a second hand cringe that nearly brings her to her knees.

“UGGGHHHH!” Aubrey finally cracks, a doofy grin hitting her lips despite her audible mental suffering, slumping back in the chair and nearly sliding out of it entirely, a few tears finally trickling down her eyes as her body releases its tension at last.

“I can’t believe that try hard seriously sprung for something like that. If he tries that shit in public in front of me I’m making’ his screen look like mine.” Aubrey finally grumbles, adjusting her bow. “… Right, I left my bat at home. Ugh.”

“There we go! Now you’re talking’ again. Jeez, way to make a girl worry… Charlene was getting ready to find some flowers to give to you too, the sweetheart.”

“She’s more of an angel than Angel is…”

“Right?! Maybe we should make Angel give up on his nickname-”

“Don’t bother, Charlene’d never let him do it.”

“You’re so right it’s actually kinda annoying.”

“She’s the best of us, y’know.”

“…”

“…”

“So, can you like, talk about what happened at all now or…?”

“… Hang out spot, by the lake, be there in 20.”

“Should I bring the rest of the group-”

“Not this time, Kim.”

The call ends without another word, another ping showing on her phone’s screen showing string of texts from Kel.

JrangeOoe: hey!!!!! ;v;

JrangeOoe: sorry i left you alone with sunny and basil there, hero was having a really bad freak out

JrangeOoe: mom and dad and i are workin with him now, gonna try to calm him down will be back at hospital to give basil and sunny another visit later

JrangeOoe: gonna be honest, this is giving me a little time to figure this stuff out too so, thanks hero for the panic i guess??????

JrangeOoe: ugh no that’s not fair

JrangeOoe: anyway, if you need to chill and get some ginos later i found 10 bucks in a visiting center couch and was trying to hide it but

JrangeOoe: today’s a “spread the wealth” sorta day

It took a couple of moments of hesitation, but…

headhooligan: dinner, maybe

headhooligan: fuck this whole dumbs week

headhooligan: i got some spare cash so i’ll chip in too to get hero something if it’ll help

headhooligan: also what the fuck how are you so calm about this are your parents not trying to work you through this too or something?!

JrangeOoe: uh

JrangeOoe: no but i think hero needs it more right now!!!

JrangeOoe: i dunno how i feel, i guess i’m just to worried about everyone else to think about it?

JrangeOoe: *too

JrangeOoe: i’ll catch you later for dinner tho, if i can get hero to calm down enough to feel safe leaving him be with mom and dad

JrangeOoe: get a feelings jam up in here

JrangeOoe: pizza and ice cream or whatever

JrangeOoe: not at your place tho tbh your mom kinda freaks me out like a lot

headhooligan: >:/

JrangeOoe: what? it’s the truth!

With a roll of her eyes, Aubrey stuffs her phone away, wrenching her bike out of its lock from the hospital’s parking lot bike rack and mounting up. She takes one, final, long look at the hospital’s monolithic facade, and thinks about just how high up that building goes before shaking her head, and pedaling off.

The whole ride home, all she can do is play back today’s events again, and again, and again. Hear the same story in Sunny’s stilted monotone, again, and again, and again.

Every instinct, every trained gut reaction, every beaten in urge and desire tells her she should hate him.

He stole her from everyone, he murdered her, broke her skull against the floor like some raging animal then strung her up like a horror show for everyone to see just to avoid consequences with Basil’s help-

… But…

That panic that gripped her chest when Basil fell in the water from her shove just a few days ago, the terror at taking not one life, but two when Sunny jumped in after him, still unable to swim.

“…”

Her pedaling gets harder, more forceful, making the aging, damaged frame of her hand me down, fourth hand bike creak and groan in protest, hair billowing behind her in a tangled mess of poorly kept locks…

What should be anger gives way to an oddly calm understanding, what should be hatred and fury and violence wraps itself so tightly in its own chaotic energy that all she can do is…

…

There’s not a cloud in the sky, but raindrops spatter on concrete and asphalt where she rides, leaving a trail of sorrow four years in the making, finally given “closure”, finally released.

—-

(1) Credit to Mahmoud Darwish for this legendary line.

#omori #omori aubrey #aubrey focused #spoilers #omori spoilers #omori good ending #omori good ending spoilers #hard to find the right words #chapter 1

[burnedbyshoto]

Takami Keigo (Hawks) - Alphabet Hc’s

a/n: it’s late, lo siento!!!!!!! enjoy our favorite pro-hero bird man 

SFW

A = Affection (How affectionate are they with an s/o?)

Takami is a gentle affection man. Soft touches, soft hand holding, soft kisses, soft hugs. At least in public. In private he is the type to be hanging off your leg as you try walking through the house because he loves you so much.

B = Breath (What could their s/o do to take their breath away?)

Takami loves when you help preen his feathers. The feeling of your gentle and slow fingers carefully ruffling through his sensitive nerves as you pluck and fix them up. The feeling of your breath falling onto his back… he just always goes weak whenever you do this. 

C = Cuddling (Do they cuddle? If they do, how and when do they cuddle?)

He loves to cuddle so much. He loves laying down on your stomach, laying his head gently on your chest as your fingers run up and down the length of his spine. Takami wishes he could cuddle you every single day.

D = Dream (What do they dream of doing with their s/o?)

Takami wishes that one day he’ll be able to retire from being a hero and grow old and wrinkly with you. Watching your family from rocking chairs with your hands intertwined.

E = Effort (How much effort do they put into a relationship?)

Takami is an easy going man, but he would do everything and anything for you. He does the most and makes you feel special every single day. Not that him making you feel special is romantic, he may send a meme and be like “me @ you” but it hits home and you’re like “TAKAMIIIII”

F = Fear (What do they do if their s/o is scared? How do they handle it?)

Arms and wings hug!!! He’ll take you to wherever you feel most comfortable. Flying you there without batting his eyes. Takami wants you to feel safe! He handles it well, he’s adept, but it does scare him a lot. He doesn’t like seeing you scared. 

G = Gifts (What type of gifts do they give their s/o? Do they want a gift in return?)

The weirdest most obscure things you’ve ever seen in your life. Like the gifts you find at the penny stores because he claims that they have the best finds! But every so often he’ll spoil you with something you wanted so badly. He does expect gifts in return! He even gets pockets onto his jacket to keep his most favorite gifts from you in there

H = Hugs (Do they hug their s/o? How often?)

Takami is the kind of boyfriend who hugs you before kissing you, so yeah. Happens every day, and a lot. He just likes holding you and being held by you as your fingers ruffle his hair. 

I = Intimacy (How romantic are they? Do they have problems with intimacy?)

A kinda terrible guy when it comes to romance. He’s just never been the kind to memorize suave details prior to getting with you, and it shows. But it doesn’t mean his gestures aren’t intimate or romantic, they’re just a little weird. He had no problems with intimacy though! Will make out in public with you in case his intimacy is ever questioned.

J = Jealous (Do they get jealous? How do they act when jealous?)

HOOOOOOOOOO. WHEN TAKAMI GETS JEALOUS?!?!?! First of all, he comes over to you he doesn’t touch you. No. he instead goes after the person flirting with you. He talks with the person as if you’re a complete stranger, and you smirk at him as you roll your eyes at your dumb boyfriend. The stranger of course is like ‘fuck yeah i wanna fuck you’ and takami is like ‘let’s bet! Whoever can get her to make out with her first wins?’ and of course he agrees and the stranger will start making money moves but takami will just walk over and start the most lewd makeout session with you that he can manage.

K = Kiss (Are they a good kisser? Do they like to kiss? How often do they try to kiss you?)

He is a really good kisser for some reason. His lips are often chapped though, so buy him some chapstick if that concerns you. Kisses and small pecks are his favorites because it just seems so wholesome and amazing he loves it really.

L = Love (When do they say they love you? How often do they say it? Do they prefer to say or show it?)

Takami says it after you help preen his feather for the first time. The act of preening him takes forever because he has so many feathers and you didn’t complain once even though he sees you rubbing your sore arms. He’ll take your face in his hands as he presses a soft kiss to your mouth. And with that a small “thank you, I love you.” slips out from his mouth.

M = Marriage (Do they want to get married? If so, what kind of ceremony?)

Hell yeah he wants to fucking marry you!!!!!!! Takami wants a small and intimate wedding. He wants only the people who need to be there like family and friends but that’s it.

N = Night out (What type of dates do they like to go on? How often do they like to go on them?)

Takami loves taking you out on flying dates. Whether you’re afraid or not he just loves soaring with you in his arms. Whether you’re hollering in excitement or clutching his neck for dear life he loves it. As a joke once he even lets go of you and will quickly catch you, the adrenaline rush man. Dates are a weekly thing. They don’t happen every day, but for sure at least once a week.

O = Out of the Ordinary (What’s something they don’t normally do with/for their s/o?)

Won’t normally cook for the two of you. He knows only how to make cereal and still struggles with that. (don’t worry though, he’s taking cooking lessons because he’s gonna surprise you)

P = Playful (Are they playful in a relationship? If so, how do they play around/mess with their s/o?)

Takami is a very playful soul, of course he’s gonna be a goofball in your relationship. You remember that age when snapchat first got face filters and the face swap gold mines that came??? Its like 5 years later and the two of you dedicate evenings for doing the most cursed faceswaps on the planet. 

Q = Questions (Do they ask their s/o their opinion on things? Do they share theirs?)

Takami values your opinion over his own, like deadass. He is so in love with you that everything he does has your best interest and opinions in front of his own. It’s not even intentional it just happens.

R = Random (How spontaneous is their relationship? Do they do things on the spot or plan ahead?)

Takami is a pretty damn spontaneous person! Especially since he can fly so fucking fast that distance and time have never been an issue for you. So you want that one restaurant on the other side of the country??? Okay, takami will take you!

S = Sleep (How do they sleep with their s/o?)

Sleeps on your stomach because he can’t sleep on his back. It’s a system that took you awhile to get used to, but now you can’t sleep without his weight on your stomach

T = Trust (How much do they trust their s/o?)

Takami trusts you with his entire life. Secrets??? Sorry, the two of you don’t know any. Everything is shared between the two of you as you both highly value honesty and integrity.

U = Unique (What makes them unique as an s/o?)

Takami is a very not serious yet serious boyfriend. He just acts super nonchalant sometimes but does literally everything that anybody would want from a significant other!

V = Vulnerable (How long until they can be vulnerable around their s/o? What are they like in this state?)

It doesn’t take long for takami to be vulnerable around you, in fact you’ll probably see him crack even before getting together. In this state, takami is so twitchy, fluttering, unable to sit still. His wings are tense, and his feathers seem to stand up straight. It’s not your favorite thing, but you’re there to help him.

W = Wild Card (Get a random domestic headcanon of the character of your choice)

You know those feather earrings? Yeah, takami has custom made his tiny wings into jewelry for you. He doesn’t know what to get you for your one year, and that was it, and well… it was something that made you cry.

X = X-Ray (What would they do if their s/o got injured?)

You’re injured so you’re babey now. He will make your injury a living nightmare because he will annoy you for being an idiot and getting injured. Like a mother hen as he scolds you and reprimands your actions before helping you out even more than you had asked for.

Y = Yuck (Do they have any pet peeves about their s/o? Are there any habits that might bother their s/o?)

When you whistle too shrilly, it just really makes his head spin. It doesn’t happen often, but it really doesn’t make him happy when it does. He has a bad habit of plucking out feathers that annoy him, so if you’re a neat freak, beware.

Z = Zeal (Are they passionate as an s/o? Do they want or like passion?)

Pretty passionate. Takami loves when you’re super lovely dovey just lay it on him!!!!!!!!

NSFW (under the cut):

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Takami is big fat baby, you have to literally take care of him!!! Okay, not really, but he definitely will use his quirk to get everything needed because the two of you for sure tire each other out. 

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Takami’s favorite body part is his back. His back is so fucking ripped because of the flying, like it’s so defined and delicious and oh god he loves when you fucking mark his back up with your nails. On you, his favorite part is your thighs and your stomach. They’re so soft and comfy first of all. But he loves the way your stomach tenses when he goes down on you, and loves holding your thighs and how they shake and aohgaogiarar yes.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

His cum is super opaque, it comes out in a few loads whenever he releases. Loves to fucking creampie you, okay???

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Takami really really fucking loves it when you pegged him that one time. The feeling of you commanding him, your fingers dragging against his back and along his feathers. The dirty words dripping from your mouth and the powerful thrusts you gave?!

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s a pretty experienced guy. He never really had shame when it came to sleeping around. He does however need help in certain areas in how to please you properly, but the two of you definitely work on that together.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Because of his wings, he is very sad that he can’t watch you ride him properly. But he loves sitting at the edge of the bed and seeing you ride his lap, loves the straddle :)

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Takami tries so hard at being light hearted but always fails. He tries his best to be fun and cool, but damnit the second he sees your naked body he can’t help the seriousness that overcomes him and his need to make sure you are attended to in every aspect.

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Okay, so his pubes are someone the softest pubes on the goddamn world. They’re a bit blonder than his hair, and are well groomed to ensure your ease and pleasure,

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 

He is the lover who whispers sweet nothings in your ear while slamming into you at a ridiculous speeds and strength. His fingers are permanently glued onto your body and never will leave your body.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Tamaki is someone who masturbates when he can’t get to you. Definitely while jack off to the sound of your voice as you speak to him about your day.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

He’s a switch but fucking loves being dommed the hell out of you. Into degradation both giving and receiving. Really fucking loves being seduced because he thinks its so fucking hot seeing you giving him the bedroom eyes and yet completely not letting him touch you.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

His favorite place to do it is actually outside. Being able to fly far and fast, he was able to find this amazing outdoor location for a date that ended with the two of you fucking, and well, it’s his most favorite place.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

The thing that turns him on the most is whispering into his ear. It doesn’t have to be anything raunchy or even explict, but the feeling of your lips ghosting against his ear and the timber and volume of your voice dropping backs his dick so fucking hard.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

He will not do a bird mating dance for you. He thinks its embarrassing in the worst of ways, even if you think its hot or whatever, it just doesn’t sit well with him.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

HE WANTS TO GIVE IT TO YOU!!!! Takami wants his face inbetween your fucking legs!! He wants to go down on you and see the way your body rolls and twists under his manipulation. His skill is amazing because he notices the tiniest of details.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He’s not known as the fastest hero for nothing. Fast and rough is the best thing he’s good at. The thrills of fucking you at such a high speed is so alluring to him and he won’t stop. But there are times that are slow and sensual and good lord… those nights are unforgettable.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He’s into quickies because of the way it electrifies his senses at seeing you just coming undone and knowing that he’s about to go over the edge. He is thrilled by the idea of someone walking in on the two of you like that.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Takami knows what he likes and knows what he doesn’t. Doesn’t really experiment, but if you are dying to try something out, he won’t deny you the chance. It is how he found out that pegging wasn’t as bad as he thought initially.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Takami can last the entire fucking night if you would let him. He’s just so fucking turned on by you that it doesn’t matter how tired he is he will continue. Until. You’re. Done. it’s also why he sucks at aftercare.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Has the very basic toys like a vibrator, binds, and a gag. They are used on both of you, just depending on who’s domming.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Takami teases on one condition and one condition only. When you deserve it after being a fucking brat. Besides that he is very down to business and trying to make you feel amazing as soon as possible. He will never tease you unless pushed to it.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Takami is SOOOOOOO loud. Lots of grunting, cursing, and moaning. His mouth is basically permantly open even if it’s a little bit because good god do you feel so fucking amazing around his cock.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Takami has definitely fucked you in the air before. Like not near the city, far away so that no one can see your naked bodies. But he has definitely held you in the sky and fucked you there, it was by far the best sex the two of you had even though it was the messiest and hardest one to accomplish.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Takami is about five inches flaccid and gains an inch and a half when he’s hard. He is a bit girthy, nothing too traumatizing, but enough to make your jaw drop in pain if there isn’t lube.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Takami has a few periods of high sex drives especially during warmer weather, but as soon as it’s cold it goes to about average! But he can get turned on very easily.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterward)

As soon as you whisper a goodnight takami has probably been asleep for two whole minutes. He knocks out very quickly as soon as you’re cleaned up.

#hawks x reader #takami keigo #takami x reader #takami keigo x reader #hawks #takami smut #hawks smut #bnha #bnha writing blog #bnha x reader #bnha hawks #bnha takami #mha #mha x reader #mha headcanons #bnha headcanons #mha takami #mha hawks #burnedbyshoto 2000 follower event #takami fluff #hawks fluff

[mobius-prime]

200. Sonic the Hedgehog #132

Can you believe it? We've reached the two hundredth issue, everyone! It seems like not that long ago that we had only reached one hundred, yet here we are! Of course, the actual comic itself is nowhere near two hundred yet, but we're counting total volume of issues here. We're over halfway done with reading the preboot by now, but we still have over a hundred left to go in front of us, so we'd better dive right in!

Home (Part 3 of 4): A.D.A.M. and Evil

Writer: Karl Bollers Pencils: Dave Manak Colors: Jensen

Eggman can't believe what he's seeing as Tails and Sonic fly overhead, having been certain that Sonic could never be fast enough to reach him in time to stop the missile launch. Sonic leaps down from the Tornado with a pair of handcuffs to arrest Eggman with, but Eggman isn't worried, as he has M to protect him… and as Tails hacks into Eggman's database to stop the missile launch countdown, he finds he has another problem to worry about.

Well that's worrying… Meanwhile at Fort Acorn, as General D'Coolette gets the soldiers under his command ready for battle, Julie-Su argues with Knuckles inside the fort. Knuckles apparently wants to take point in the fight, but Julie-Su is adamant that he not put himself in such direct danger, as now without the power of the Chaos Emeralds, the only power he can rely on is his natural strength, which while formidable pales in comparison. She's doubly worried since last time he put himself in direct danger like this he literally died, but he still insists that he can handle it, pointing to his backup.

Uhh… looks like Amy has seriously powered up since last we saw her! Vector is in charge of heading off the swatbots' first advance, which he does by blasting his music loudly enough that it literally blows all the robots apart before they can reach the fort. While this is going on, Sally, her parents, and Uncle Chuck monitor the situation from the Technolo-Tree, as now that A.D.A.M. has taken control of the Tornado Tails is in serious danger. However, Chuck reasons that with A.D.A.M.'s attention split three ways, he may not be able to properly concentrate on controlling the plane, the missile countdown, and the robot army at Robotropolis effectively. A.D.A.M. forces the controls of Tails' plane down, intending to make him impact with the water of the ocean to kill him, and with M attacking Sonic in revenge for hurting her "father," things look bleak. However, Tails, thinking fast, decides to test A.D.A.M.'s skills with riddles, asking him "Why does the chicken cross…"

I think you've found A.D.A.M.'s weakness, Tails! As he keeps the virus distracted with some more puzzles, Vector laments the destruction of his stereo equipment due to the sheer volume of noise he just unleashed on the swatbots. However, that's only the first wave - and Amy Rose is ready to take on the second wave single-handedly. M starts viciously beating up Sonic while Eggman gleefully "introduces" her to him, noting that unlike A.D.A.M., she was an intentional creation to act as his personal enforcer. She flings Sonic into the water nearby, and Sally, watching from home, is horrified, as she knows Sonic can't swim.

This is kind of the beginning of the era where the comic started to clip Sally's wings. A year spent thinking her closest friend was gone has robbed her of some of her usual fire, and though many people call it out of character for her, while to some degree I agree, in other ways I kind of don't. Sonic is in many ways the opposite of Sally - he rushes into things, acts first and asks questions later, while Sally is much more calculating and prefers to have a plan before jumping into action. With the wild attitude of Sonic gone from her life, she's had her parents in her ears for the past year, once again pushing her to act like a princess and not get involved the way she used to. Instead of being the general, the leader of the rebellion that she's always been, she's being pulled back, reined in, told that she must only direct her troops' movements from the safety of her home. While certainly Sally isn't the type to meekly listen to whatever her parents tell her to do, I think the trauma she's faced has affected her in more ways than even she's aware of, and she's not nearly as certain of herself anymore, leaving her more open to manipulation from her parents than she once would have been.

At Fort Knothole, Amy is only half-conscious after the battle due to exhaustion, but perks up when she's told that she managed to wipe out half the attacking swatbots… on her own. If there's one thing I love about the comics, it's that they never downplay Amy's immense strength. She's a one-woman army in her own right, as long as she has her hammer in hand, and ultimately the comics give her a lot of chances to shine as the badass she is. Everyone prepares to fight the rest of the bots, but a shadow above alerts them to the arrival of the special GUN team from Station Square, heralded by Rouge the Bat. In Old Megaopolis, Eggman tells M that he won't believe Sonic is dead until he sees a body, so she dives into the water, just as Sonic manages to pull himself from the water after finding a lucky ladder close by.

M's eyes begin to glow, glaring at Sonic as she prepares to attack…

Mobius 25 Years Later: The Unveiling

Writer: Ken Penders Pencils: Steven Butler Colors: Jensen

There isn't much teen interaction in this second installment of Mobius 25 Years Later, so there isn't as much to complain about compared to last issue, but there are still a few things to cover. For one, we get our first introduction to Kenders' weird attempts to include some diversity of sexual orientation in his work! We open at Lara-Su's Unveiling, as Julie-Su proudly watches her dance with her father in the middle of the festivities. An echidna named "Mace" arrives, and from his dialogue we can gather that he's Knuckles' half-brother, the one whom Lara-Le was pregnant with before Sonic's space adventures. Julie-Su questions his friendship with a friend of his, Demi-Na, but he insists that the two of them are just friends and it's "nothing serious." She then warns him away from flirting with any of the other people present, as they're all already married. Apparently, Kenders' intention here was to indicate that Mace is in fact gay - that he's not interested in Demi-Na because he's not into women, and that Julie-Su never specified the gender of the people he shouldn't be flirting with. However, there's not even the slightest hint of any of this in the dialogue - y'all know how online fandoms will grasp onto any tiny hint of two same-gender individuals being cordial to one another as being true love and ship them accordingly, but I doubt even the gayest of fans would look at the dialogue surrounding Mace and think "Oh, he's definitely A Fellow Gay!" I do get that at the time this comic was released, acceptance of LGBT individuals wasn't nearly as widespread as it is now, which would actually make Kenders a bit ahead of the curve of society as a whole in terms of acceptance, but this is still a really, really weak attempt at including a gay character in his work - and it's not even the weirdest example yet.

See, even here, something that could have been an opportunity for gentle ribbing from father to daughter is instead used as an excuse to essentially pull a "well, other people have it worse" on Lara-Su. The dress really doesn't suit her personality-wise, making me wonder who even decided that was what she should wear in the first place. Meanwhile, we finally get to meet Cobar, Rotor's old friend, as the two meet up and discuss a very serious matter.

Okay, this is definitely the most interesting thing we've seen so far in this world. This is a problem much more reminiscent of the types of conflicts we see in the main storyline of the comic. However, we're already facing another weird "LGBT inclusion" scenario! Go ahead and take a look at the way Rotor and Cobar interact with one another. Seem shippable to you guys? Well, despite the fact that they seem no closer to each other than two ordinary scientists with a polite working relationship, Cobar is basically supposed to be Rotor's husband! That's right, Kenders apparently always saw Rotor as gay, and while I'm 1000% on board with that interpretation… well first of all Cobar looks like he has one foot in the grave while Rotor would barely be like forty-something in this timeline, but also, again, there is no noticeable hint they they're even slightly into each other, let alone in a long-term relationship. Frankly, Rotor deserves better if we're looking to set him up with a nice man.

Meanwhile, back at the Unveiling, Vector and his son Argyle arrive fashionably late to the party, and Vector and Knuckles step aside to have a chat while Argyle moves in to dance with Lara-Su. Vector frets, thinking that Argyle essentially isn't cool enough to know how to charm a lady, but his fears are totally unfounded.

Hmm, seems serious, Knuckles… I'm sure this interesting part of the plot isn't going to get sidetracked by trite teenage drama and a bunch of adults yakking at each other about Adult Stuff, right?

#nala reads archie sonic preboot #archie sonic #archie sonic preboot #sonic the hedgehog #sth 132 #writer: karl bollers #writer: ken penders #pencils: dave manak #pencils: steven butler #colors: jason jensen

[mst3kproject]

1110: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom

I only saw this episode once, while I was on my two-day binge back when season eleven first debuted – and by then I was kind of running out of binge-watching oomph, because I don’t think I paid much attention to it.  If I had, I wouldn’t have been so blindsided by shit like the mermaid and her rainbow bridge or the flying lion-centaur whatchamafuckit.  Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is depressingly cheap and desperately amateurish, but it's also unbelievably fucking weird.

There’s a great evil abroad in the land or something.  The Castle(TM) is Attacked and the resident Bearded Wizard(TM) gives his son the Callow Youth(TM) a Magical Ring(TM) to keep safe – but of course the stupid kid drops it on the way out.  After gathering a few allies, slaying a few monsters, and dabbling in casual necromancy, the boy sneaks back into the castle to retrieve the ring and do wizardly battle with the bad guy.  The day is saved, the princess is rescued, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  The music attempts to convince us that this is epic and exciting, rather than corny and embarrassing.

I have rarely felt as bad for a group of actors as I did watching Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.  I kept wanting to hide behind the couch so I wouldn’t have to look at the expressions on their faces as they humiliate themselves by being in this movie.  Even Crabby the Crab Hat doesn’t want to be here.  The whole thing looks like a third grade class put on a play starring everybody’s parents.  The only person who gets out with any shred of dignity is whatever poor bastard was hiding under the Gulfax suit… oh, no, wait, no he didn’t, because according to IMDB the same actor also played Dad the Wizard.

Let’s look at our characters.  There’s our hero Simon, who is about thirteen and seems to be familiar with the concept of a quest but would probably much rather be reading a book somewhere.  His buddy is Gulfax, a dude who paid way too much for his alpaca fursuit.  Kor the Conquerer is supposed to be a troubled alcoholic mercenary, but he really does look like Gordon Ramsay except not as badass. The wicked queen dresses like she’s trying to look sexy for the Swamp Thing.  Princess Aura acts like your nine-year-old sister parading around in one of those Disney Princess gowns.  The bad guy is less impressive than his own fashion accessories and can disintegrate people except when it would be inconvenient for the plot.  Simon can disintegrate people, too, but saves it for non-humans despite the fact that they’re shown to be sentient.

Then there’s what all these people actually do. Despite a much more kid-friendly tone, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is a lot like Ator: the Fighting Eagle.  Both movies present us with characters who are supposedly on a heroic quest, but all we see is them wandering around the woods while random things happen. When I tried to describe this film to a co-worker, I realized I could talk about the various incidents in whatever order I liked, because none of them really contribute to the plot or even connect to each other.

Take, for example, the bit where Kor is captured by the cyclops who wants him to marry his sister (the cyclops’ sister, that is.  Wizards of the Lost Kingdom isn’t that much like Ator).  It comes and it goes, and that’s it.  Kor had earlier said he didn’t know who this mysterious bucket-helmeted figure was, and Simon pouts a bit because that was a lie. It really, really doesn’t feel like the major betrayal the script wants us to think it was.  It comes across as the cyclops’ sister being an embarrassing ex-girlfriend Kor just didn’t want to talk about, and he and Simon argue for thirty seconds and then hug and make up, completely negating whatever small emotional impact the whole thing might have had.

Or how about the part where Simon straight-up raises the dead? In most fantasy settings that would be considered a turn down a dark path, with far-reaching consequences for both the plot and the character development.  In Wizards of the Lost Kingdom the corpses get up and basically tell Simon to get fucked because they want to rest, and then crawl back into their graves.  This is a world where black magic exists and can claim your soul, but apparently necromancy isn’t in that category.  All that happens is Kor tells Simon to respect the dead more.

What about the bit where Simon realizes the bad guy and his Crab Hat are spying on them through a magical birdbath?  The kid casts a spell that makes the water explode in the evil dude’s face so he can’t see them anymore, but this has no plot consequences because a scene or two later the bad guy has simply re-filled the birdbath and is watching them again.  Why did we even need to see that?  Why did we need the bit with the little gnome dude who enables Kor’s alcoholism? The drinking is never a plot point because this is a kids’ movie (unless marrying the cyclops’ sister was something Kor promised to do while drunk), and the gnome promises to re-join them for the climax but when he does he just watches.

How about the part where Kor tries to save a drowning topless blonde woman in the weirdly orange river (this is the only place where I can definitely identify a shot MST3K cut, since we got one very brief look at her tits)? She vanishes only to reappear on a rock with one of those mermaid tail blankets over her legs, telling them she was testing their manhood to see if they were worthy of her help!  They were, so she creates a rainbow for them and tells them to follow their hearts across the river!

Uh.  Okay. So I can see how Kor was worthy, since he jumped in and all, but Simon stood on the shore yelling at him to stop because it’s too dangerous.  Shouldn’t his unmanly ass get left behind?

Unquestionably, however, the weirdest thing in the movie is the fucked-up trippy vision Simon has while bug-woman plies him with drink and flower petals.  This scene fascinates me.  So there’s a bunch of Satanists sacrificing women on a spray-foam altar, while a voice tries to tempt Simon to the dark side.  In response, he summons up the ‘forces of good’ to deal with the situation, and they appear in the form of this stop-motion… chimera… thing. Imagine a lion centaur, only both the horse part and the human part are lions, so it’s like a six-legged, two-torsoed leonine centipede abomination, but instead of arms on the upper set of shoulders it has weird veiny bat wings.  It hovers there snarling while the Satanists complete their sacrifice, which summons a giant floating semi-transparent head in some scaly makeup.  The head makes faces and breathes green fire, until the lion thing glares cartoon lightning at it and it explodes.

What the actual unmotivated fuck. What even was that? I want to say it’s demonstrating that Simon is pure of heart and can’t be tempted to evil but like ten minutes later he’s raising the fucking dead.  What the hell is with the lion monster?  Is it a metaphor for something?  Is it saying that the forces of good can be just as terrifying as those of evil, like how if you read descriptions of angels they actually look like beasts from your nightmares?  Was it actually supposed to be pretty and the model-makers just weren’t up to the task? What am I looking at?

Did anybody actually realize how weird this all was?  One does get the impression that the writers were just scribbling down whatever bullshit came into their heads without regard for continuity or anything.  Can we have a mermaid in our movie?  Sure, why the hell not.  Zombies? Awesome, everybody loves zombies, throw ‘em in there.  A garden gnome?  A goat-man playing the pan flute?  A jilted cyclops with a spiral perm?  Absolutely, the more, the merrier!  Concepts!

And yet for all that, the single worst failure of writing in Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is the anticlimax of the ending.  Through the whole movie everybody’s been looking for the Ring of Magic, which makes the wearer all-powerful.  One of the wicked queen’s dwarves (played by actual little people who should all have been paid double for being in the same movie where the queen says we’re running out of dwarves) finds it, but Simon snatches it back a moment later and goes out and saves the day.  Of course he does – he’s all-powerful.  It’s a foregone conclusion.  The only tension comes from wondering how many of those kids who were freed from prison are gonna get swords in the gut while Simon worries about making pretty special effects in his wizard’s duel.

One last bit of illogical crap.  After the battle, Kor wanders off to go back to his ‘itinerant boozehound’ gig, and tells Simon to be a good king.  Uh… Simon’s not gonna be king.  The rightful heir is Princess Aura, who’s literally right there.  Simon can marry her and be royal consort if she still likes him once they’ve both been through puberty.  Is there a law in this kingdom that if you save the day you get to be in charge?  That does seem to be where the last guy got his throne… and yet I have a faint suspicion that the writers just assumed Simon would rule instead of Aura because he’s got a penis and she doesn’t.

All that may have given the impression that I hate this movie but I really don’t.  Wizards of the Lost Kingdom just isn’t worth the effort.  Instead I just pity this movie and everybody in it.  Every last one of them did a terrible job, and yet they still all deserved better.  On every possible level, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is truly less than the sum of its parts.

#mst3k #reviews #wizards of the lost kingdom #tw: incest #80s #just fuckin weird #everybody do the zombie stomp

[sceptilemasterr]

MW Act 1, Scene 6 - Analysis

Title: Most Wanted: The Hollywood Killer (A CIU Screenplay)

Main Pairings: Dave x Sam

Other Pairings: N/A

Genre: Full Rewrite

Rating: PG-13 for violence, blood, swearing, alcohol, and sexuality

Summary: While talking to the crime lab’s eccentric trio, Sam and Dave learn more about Tull... and each other.

Previous Scene: The Other Case

Masterlist: Link

INT. L.A.P.D. STATION - CRIME LAB - NIGHT

The crime lab is a scene best described as “organized chaos.” Pop music blares from a speaker sitting at the workstation of a man with short black hair, glasses, and a blue cardigan, spinning idly in his chair. This is NIKHIL MANTHA, forensic specialist. Opposite him at another workstation is a man with messy brown hair and a patterned sweater, gritting his teeth in annoyance as he stares at his computer screen; this is REZA FASSIHI, data analyst.

HAYLEY ROSE (ON SPEAKER) (singing): Sirens flickering in your tail lights, your long-lost love’s your only flaw...

REZA: Nikhil, can we please turn that off? This wasn’t a good song four years ago, and it’s still not good now!

NIKHIL: But that’s the point! Pop princess Hayley Rose experimenting with a contrived club album with a hokey country twist? “Outlaw” is incredible in its American awfulness.

REZA: How does that make any sense?!

As the music plays in the background while they continue, the third occupant of the room ignores their argument entirely. MIRASOL BAUTISTA, criminal profiler and psychoanalyst, sits at her own workstation, frowning at whatever she is reading on the screen. She wears a white blazer and has her dark hair tied back into a bun.

NIKHIL: ...it isn’t my fault your tastes are embarrassingly mainstream-

MIRASOL (muttering): The contrarian hipster act, clearly a false front meant to get on people’s nerves. Typically seen in those with low self-esteem and-

NIKHIL: Ouch. I heard that, Mirasol.

MIRASOL: Oh, I know.

The door swings open, and Sam and Dave enter. Sam blinks in surprise at the music. Dave doesn’t bat an eye as he strides up to Nikhil’s workstation and hits the power button.

DAVE (deadpan): Oops.

NIKHIL: Hey! Excuse me, Dave, we were listening to that-

REZA: Correction: you were listening to that.

NIKHIL: Mirasol secretly enjoyed it!

MIRASOL: Excuse me, what?! I will murder you, Nikhil.

REZA: She’s not kidding, Nikhil. You weren’t here for the time she brought a live grenade to work, but-

DAVE: Look, as entertaining as this conversation is, right now, we’ve got a killer to catch. And more importantly, we’ve got company.

Mirasol, Nikhil, and Reza all look up and notice Sam for the first time.

DAVE: This is Sam Massey, U.S. Marshal. Massey, meet the Three Stooges. That’s Reza, our data analyst and resident computer nerd.

REZA (frowning): “Nerd?” Excuse you, Dave, I’m a data analyst and digital security consultant and a moderator for the Crown and the Flame official fansite... Okay, I may be a ‘computer nerd.’

Sam nods, clearly not understanding most of what Reza is talking about.

SAM: ...Pleasure.

DAVE: Over there is Nikhil, forensic analyst and card-carrying hipster.

NIKHIL: Nice to meet you, Marshal. I have to say, this ‘thing’ you’re doing with your outfit? Talk about defying the mainstream L.A. look with your rough-and-tumble style. Such a middle finger to the masses.

Sam crosses her arms, frowning.

SAM: I’m not trying to do a “thing.”

NIKHIL: Exactly, right? Everyone else is always trying too hard. But you get it!

SAM: Uh...

Dave shakes his head in amusement before moving on.

DAVE: Anyway, the cheerful one over there is Dr. Bautista, our criminal profiler and psychoanalyst.

MIRASOL: Just call me Mirasol. These two clowns don’t go by fancy titles, why should I?

SAM: I can respect that.

DAVE: Right, well, that’s the introductions. So, what have you all got for us?

NIKHIL: Perfect timing, actually. I’ve just finished my initial run-through of the forensics. Don’t have much to work with, but I was able to analyze those bullet casings you found, plus the autopsies and ballistics.

SAM: Let’s hear what you’ve got. I’ve got a hunch I want confirmed.

They walk over to Nikhil’s workstation. Nikhil swivels in his chair to face them.

DAVE: How’s it look?

NIKHIL: The autopsy and ballistics reports indicate an abdominal wound from a sawed-off shotgun, fired from approximately three feet away. Casings confirm standard double-aught buckshot. (shakes head) Can’t have been pretty.

SAM: Point-blank, straight to the gut. Tull’s specialty, the sick bastard.

DAVE: Anything else?

NIKHIL: Well, I’ve got an educated guess on the type of shotgun he used. It’s hard to tell for sure, but from what we could get from the camera footage, I’d say an old-school Easton 850, sawed-off.

SAM: Wait. Did you say an Easton 850?

NIKHIL: Why, does that mean something to you?

Sam gets a faraway look in her eyes, staring at a point on the wall. She says nothing for a long moment. Finally, she shakes her head and turns away.

SAM: No. You just... don’t see those every day.

From her station, Mirasol watches Sam with a calculating look. Dave notices and walks over to her, Sam following.

DAVE: Dr. Bautista, what do we have?

MIRASOL: I’ve told you not to call me that.

DAVE (smirks): Why do you think I keep doing it?

Mirasol rolls her eyes and turns away from him, facing Sam.

MIRASOL: Beckham had your file sent over, Massey. Frequent physical altercations. Questionable use of force. Repeated altercations... fascinating stuff.

SAM: Alright, alright. Let’s cut to the chase. What have you got?

MIRASOL: Let’s see... Propensity for violence and hot-headedness, such as when you brought in a fugitive with multiple broken bones. Then the report of you telling a fugitive with hostages to, and I quote: “Grow a backbone, dirtbag.”

NIKHIL: Ooh, I want that on a shirt.

MIRASOL: And then there’s the raid on the New Flores Cartel, where the massive property damage perfectly showcases your flagrant disregard for-

SAM: Okay, okay, we get the idea! Lemme rephrase: what have you got on Tull?

MIRASOL: Oh, don’t worry. I’ve already put together his profile too, or at least a preliminary one from what little we know.

DAVE: Perfect. Let’s hear it.

MIRASOL: He’s a hired killer, but he’s brutal when he doesn’t need to be, even when it makes his job harder. Clearly enjoys inflicting pain. He’s clever but unstable, with textbook signs of egocentrism, obsessive behavior, and possible narcissism.

DAVE (sarcastically): This guy just gets better and better.

SAM: Anything else?

MIRASOL: Just that... look. I’m not easily disturbed; hell, I read the profiles of psychopaths for a living. Sometimes even for fun. But this guy... he scares me.

Sam nods in understanding.

SAM: Then we just gotta be scarier.

She turns away from Mirasol and heads over to Reza’s station, Dave following close behind. As she approaches, Reza springs awkwardly to his feet, accidentally knocking over his chair as he offers an excited handshake.

REZA: Wow, a Texas Marshal, surrounded by L.A. glitz and glamour! Love it! The fish-out-of-water thing is a classic trope in the industry, y’know.

Sam shakes his hand, looking puzzled.

SAM: The... data analysis industry?

REZA: What? No, the entertainment industry! I’m also an aspiring screenwriter, you know.

NIKHIL: Emphasis on the ‘aspiring’ part. He’s never actually finished a script.

REZA: Shut up, Nikhil! Anyway, my point is that I’m a bit of a film buff.

SAM: Huh. Sounds like that might come in handy in this town.

REZA: Yeah, I know, it’s not really... wait, what?

SAM: Hey, from what I’ve seen, Hollywood’s a special kind of crazy. Might help to have someone who speaks the language.

REZA: Ha! Boom! How’s that defeat taste, Nikhil? Someone actually appreciates me for once!

Nikhil groans and rolls his eyes as Reza picks his chair back up and sits down.

REZA: And speaking of ‘Hollywood’ and ‘crazy,’ by the way, I’ve pulled up some info on the main victim.

DAVE: Gavin? Could be a lead. But what about Tull?

REZA (frowning): Not much. From what I can tell, he surfaced suddenly about a year ago as a paid killer. Other than that, I could barely find anything.

SAM (frowning): What do you mean he ‘surfaced suddenly?’ Where the hell was he before that?

REZA: It’s the weirdest part of this whole thing. Far as I can tell, he emerged from thin air last year. His first kill happened in rural Montana, and before that... the guy just vanishes.

DAVE: Fake name, maybe?

REZA (shakes head): Nothing I can find. But I’ll keep looking. Gavin, on the other hand... with how much he’s posted about himself online, the guy practically did my job for me.

Reza swivels his monitor. Sam and Dave look at the screen, which is displaying a celebrity blog site titled “Dirty Hollywood.”

REZA: His personal blog is plenty already, but the real interesting part is this one. “Dirty Hollywood.” It’s a celeb gossip blog, and with the things he’s posted, he’s made quite a few enemies.

SAM: Could lead us to whoever hired Tull.

DAVE: Agreed. So, who’s on the list of Gavin’s potential enemies, then?

REZA: Honestly? Literally everyone he’s posted about. I can list all of them for you, but we’d be here all day-

DAVE: Give us the three most likely, then. Anything in the past week or so

REZA: Well, let’s see... he leaked some emails from screenwriter Josh Neely, exposing him as a plagiarist.

DAVE: Hold on. I spotted Neely on the tape, just before the murder. He was arguing pretty fiercely with Gavin!

Sam raises her eyebrows.

SAM: Damn. We’ve got our connection, then.

DAVE: Not so fast. Lots of celebrities were at that party, it doesn’t mean anything on its own. Reza, who else?

REZA: Gavin also posted evidence that Ryan Summers was making large, discreet payments to an unknown woman. Sure, Gavin never actually says she’s a call girl, but he sure as hell implies it.

DAVE: Huh. Ryan never mentioned that...

SAM: First-name basis with Ryan Summers? Really.

DAVE: Yeah, he’s a good friend of mine. We play poker on the weekends.

SAM: I’m not sure what’s harder to believe: that your poker face is that good, or that you’re actually telling the truth.

REZA: Anyway, the third suspect is pretty timely, considering Nikhil’s taste in music. Gavin leaked some of Hayley Rose’s, uh... illicit photos from her personal phone.

SAM: She’s the singer you were just listening to? How did Gavin get all this?

REZA: Whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t legal.

Dave sighs, shaking his head in disgust.

DAVE: Typical. Thanks for the leads, though. Let us know if you can find any more on Tull, okay?

REZA: You got it.

Sam and Dave step toward the door, out of earshot of the analysts.

SAM: So what the hell does any of that tell us?

DAVE: I admit it’s not much to go on. What about the gun?

SAM: What about it?

DAVE: You seemed familiar with that specific model when Nikhil mentioned it. Do you know something?

SAM (muttering): Ugh. Of course. Goddamn detective.

Dave raises an eyebrow.

SAM: Nothing that would help the case. Look, Tull’s a killer for hire, right? So, first things first, we should look into the people he offended. Find out who hired him.

DAVE: That’s fair. It’s as good a place as any to start. Let’s go; I’ll drive.

SAM: Hope you drive fast. Every second we waste is another second Tull’s out there, a free man.

Sam heads for the door, but stops when she notices Dave hasn’t moved. He studies her, frowning.

SAM: ...What?

DAVE: Look. If we’re gonna be partners on this, I need you to level with me. Why are you really here?

SAM: It’s my job-

DAVE: Massey, I’m a detective. Half my job is knowing when someone’s lying. We do have Marshals in California, y’know. Something made you get on a plane and fly halfway across the country to nab Tull yourself. Something makes you look like you’re gonna punch a hole in the wall when you think about him.

Sam sighs in defeat.

SAM: Alright. Fine. It’s personal.

DAVE: There. Was that so hard?

SAM: Look. Tull killed someone close to me. I’d rather not say any more right now.

Dave nods and opens the door to head out of the lab.

DAVE: That’s fair. Listen, Massey: we’re gonna get this bastard. That much I can promise you.

SAM: Damn straight.

Next Scene: Good Cop, Bad Cop

CIU Tag List: @brightpinkpeppercorn @endlesshero1122 @bbaba-yagaa @acidsugar0

MW Tag List: @griselda1121

#most wanted the hollywood killer #choices most wanted #choices stories you play #most wanted rewrite #ciu project #choices interconnected universe #fanfic #reza fassihi #nikhil mantha #mirasol bautista #sam massey #dave reyes #john tull #error 404: es references not found #but wow are these three fun to write

[neganandblake]

I think I liked you better when you didn’t have a knife in your hand, Peaches... Chapter 34 - Not my room

When Blake finds herself sold out to the Saviours by her abusive fiancé, she realises that she's certainly not on her own anymore and finds an unlikely friend in Negan. And Negan does NOT like men who beat their girlfriends, one tiny bit…

Chapter 34- Not my room

Blake laughed, as she heard a door creak open, and a second later felt herself being tossed unceremoniously down onto a soft bed.

She gave a drunken purr, stretching out, and looking around giving a frown.

"Hey, this is not my room," uttered the caramel-blonde woman, propping herself up onto her elbows and peering up at the four poster bed she was led across.

It had cool grey cotton sheets and four plump looking pillows, and Blake, from here, got the weirdest sense of déjà vu. As if she had definitely been here before.

"No, it's mine," came Negan's low matter-of-fact tone, as he stalked past her and headed over to the small wooden panelled kitchenette in the corner of the room.

Blake gave another confused, slightly unfocused frown, as she gazed around the large area.

It was indeed Negan's room. The large window on the far side showing nothing but a hazy purple sky outside.

Blake kicked off her sneakers and let out a small huff as she watched the tall dark-haired man who had carried her in, with glazed green eyes.

Negan was smirking to himself, as he placed Lucille down onto a kitchen counter casually, and pulled a bottle of water and a large glass tumbler from the side.

He was as tall as ever, with his usual leather-jacket slung over his slumped shoulders and a knife at his belt.

Blake knew, of course, that she should be scared of him. Everyone else seemed to be, so why didn't she?

But there was something about him that made her feel strangely at ease.

So, so safe when he was near her.

He poured half the bottle of water into the glass, before picking it up and strolling back over towards her.

Blake pursed her lips, that huffy frown still lingering between her brows, as she stared up into his sultry chocolate eyes.

"If you think that just because I'm drunk I'm gonna sleep with you-" she began with a pout.

But Negan cut across her with a sudden chuckle, running a free hand down his bearded face and placing the glass down onto the nightstand to her right.

"Give me a break, Sweetheart," he groaned. "I might be a fuckin' asshole, I ain't a monster. I'm too fuckin' old to be takin advantage of a drunk girl, when I've got five wives sitting all pretty, all nice and compliant downstairs…"

The Saviour knew for a fact how much this would rile Blake up, and he was, of course, right.

She instantly narrowed her eyes at him, giving a dark huff.

"I don't get you," she said pointing a swaying finger up at him. "You act like this horrible villain to everyone else, and yet here you are, David's gone, and you're still try to look out for me? What makes me so special, huh?"

But Negan gave a small sigh, moving around the bed.

"Like I said, Doll-face," he muttered shaking his head and looking down at his feet as he spoke. "Soft-spot."

Blake's own face softened slightly as she pondered the words, titling her head to the side, letting her long caramel hair drift over her shoulder, as she looked over at him.

"You're wives are beautiful, y'know…" she said in quiet voice, after a moment or two.

And at this, Negan looked back at her grinning.

"Oh, I know'."

But Blake turned onto her side, coming to rest her head against her elbow, her hand in her hair, as she stared up through dark eyelashes at the tall man, standing beside the bed.

"But most people only have one wife," she said in a blunt voice, letting out a small frown.

But Negan gave another groaning sigh, suddenly coming to lie down on the bed beside Blake, stretching his long body out and placing both hands behind his head.

The bottom of his white t-shirt rode up slightly, revealing a trail of dark hair leading down his lower abdomen and disappearing into his pants.

Blake gave a slow gulp, as Negan stared up at the underside of the four poster bed, his smile now gone and his face unreadable.

"I did only have one wife," he said in a low, drawl. "A long fuckin' time ago, Peaches."

And Blake, as tipsy as she was, knew then, that the mood of the conversation has changed slightly. The tenseness of Negan's voice a key factor in this.

This was a different side of the tall Saviour, that Blake had never been privy to before.

She gave a small gulp, staring over at him, as he lazed there beside her.

"What was her name?" she asked, sobering herself slightly as she spoke.

But Negan merely cocked an eye in her direction, throwing her a small sigh, as he turned his body in to face her, on the large bed, propping his own head up on his elbow.

His dark brown eyes suddenly met with hers.

"I'll tell you another day, Sweetheart," he said giving a knowing sort of smile and revealing his line of perfect white teeth. "When you're a bit more fuckin' sober."

Blake let out a stroppy sort-of puff of air, but smiled back at him, that frown still clinging on between her brows.

She could have protested, but was now fully aware of just how wasted she was, as Negan before her, moved in and out of focus.

They were close now, their bodies turned in towards the others…here on Negan's bed.

That alone, being a huge hint at the intimacy he was prepared to share with her right now.

A hushed silence filled the room, which only caused to flood Blake's body, with a warmth that made her heart pound ever-so slightly faster than before.

"So, I've been meanin' to ask you," said Negan after a second or two, as Blake pulled on her bottom lip with her teeth, her chest heaving. "Like you made me promise I would…"

She gave a nod, her green eyes staring at his mouth as he spoke….unable to look away.

This was the wine doing this, right? Nothing else?

There was a pause in which Blake held her breath slightly, as she batted her eyes tipsily.

"So….one more time….you wan' me to take you back home? To Rick the Prick?" Negan finally finished.

But this only caused Blake to let out a long huff of air.

That was it?!

But what else had she really been expecting?

A proposition?

A romantic speech?

Blake finally realised that she was far too drunk for all this…

She lowered her chin, pouting, and waved a hand dismissively in Negan's direction.

"Ugh, I don't know," she said shaking her head in irritation. "Ask me tomorrow when I'm more sober."

She blinked her eyes closed and flopped down onto her back moodily, as the dark-haired Saviour surveyed her, giving a brief chuckle.

"You mean after you get over tomorrow's hangover, or before, Sweet-cheeks?" said Negan, reaching over and making to grab for Blake's thigh teasingly.

But she quickly slapped his hand away.

"Nuh-uh. You can keep your hands to yourself tonight," she said warningly, turning her head towards him on the mattress and shooting him a look.

Though at this, Negan gazed back at her goadingly for an excruciatingly long moment.

"You sure about that Peaches?" he asked her. "Because there is a lot of really nice fuckin' things I could be doing for you tonight with these hands…"

Blake bit her lip and blinked at him, feeling her breath catch in her throat.

All it would take right now was for Negan to roll on top of her and pounce, and she would be all his…all night….

But he didn't…

In fact, the bearded Saviour just lay there with a teasing look plastered across his long, tanned face, knowing full well what he was doing.

Blake gave a scowl suddenly grasping up a pillow from behind her and tossing it unceremoniously at Negan's cocky face.

"Screw you," she huffed, as he caught the pillow before it could hit him, and gave a whining laugh in return.

"Oh, you fuckin' want me, Doll-face," said the dark-haired man, suddenly pushing himself from the bed with a sigh and getting to his feet. He pointed a finger at her briefly. "You can try and deny it all you want. But I know you…..an' I can see exactly what you're imaginin' us doin' together….imaginin' every little dirty fuckin' thing I could do to you…"

Blake looked up at him, parting her lips slightly, and feeling a creamy wetness pooling inside her panties at his gruff and husky words.

Oh god…

But Negan just grinned, not even waiting for an answer from her, as he strolled back across the room, turning away from her and picking up Lucille.

Blake gave a frown, watching him, as he snatched up the barbed-wire covered weapon, and to her surprise, made for the door.

"Wait…" she said suddenly in an incredulous voice, propping herself up onto her elbows once again. "Where are you going?"

But Negan just stopped, one hand on the door handle, throwing her an arrogant grin over his shoulder.

"Well, shit, Doll-face," he said raising an eyebrow. "I mean it's only eight fuckin' thirty. Some of us aren't totally wasted and out for the count quite fuckin' yet. So I'm just off to play a lil' poker with Simon an' the guys in the rec room downstairs….maybe smoke a couple' cigars. That alright with you?"

She gaped.

He was leaving?

Now?

Blake, even as drunk as she was, could hear the utter teasing in his voice, dripping now with sarcasm.

And at this, she gave an instant scowl, huffing and folding her arms across her chest.

"Yes," she snapped, pursing her lips and looking down at her feet sulkily.

Knowing just how much he was trying to goad her into a reaction right now.

But Negan just smiled that oh-so cocky smile of his.

"Good," he replied, tugging open the door. "Oh, an' Peaches?"

Blake immediately looked his way, just as he knew she would….her eyes big and round and lightly expectant.

"Don' wait up," he finished, arching his back and letting out a wide grin….

…..as a second pillow was instantly thrown in his direction…

….missing him by inches, and hitting the now door instead, as it shut with a gentle snap.

Are you guys enjoying this story so far?

Let me know if you’d like to to be tagged.

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[junker-town]

How sports is Seven Worlds, One Planet: Episode 4?

Photo by Reinhard Dirscherl\ullstein bild via Getty Images

David Attenborough’s new show is epic ... and sports.

We continue our extremely important mission to conduct a scene-by-scene review of the BBC’s new nature documentary, Seven Worlds, One Planet, in order to see how sports it is. We determined that Episode 1, which focused on Antarctica, was reasonably sports. Asia was very sports, as was South America. Time for ...

Episode 4 Australia

Scene 1: Cassowary

Australia is indisputably the weirdest continent. Approximately 99 percent of the planet’s strangest creatures call it home, including SB Nation’s James Dator. Venomous spiders are eaten by venomous snakes are eaten by the world’s biggest crocodiles are surfed on by wombats are cheered on by (venomous) duck-billed platypuses, etc., etc. Given Australia’s bounty of weirdness, it’s only natural that we begin with what is probably the oddest bird of all.

Any bird with an “Attacks on Humans” subhead of its Wikipedia page is worth paying attention to, if only so you know to stay the hell away. Cassowaries don’t kill people that often, but when they do, they like kick us to death, using their wicked claws to tear through flesh, innards and bone. Think a very large kiwi with a bright head crest, a velociraptor’s talons and murderous intent. Then make it 50 times larger and 50 times as murderous. Now you have a cassowary.

Big bird booty coming through!#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/8CvHmh0P7T

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

Given that scene-setting, the BBC have opted to give us a segment about parenting. Cassowary fathers raise their chicks alone for nine months, and this one is leading his two chicks through the jungle to find fruit. The trio encounter a little stream, which they must cross in search of food. One chick jumps in ...

Well, this little guy gets a 10/10 for trying #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/UCDeoLHPPJ

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

... but the other does not, deciding to try to find its own way through the jungle. What finds him first? Snakes? Monitor lizards? Dad? Dad! DAD. The cassowary family is united once more.

This scene was surprisingly uplifting, mostly because I excepted the chicks to be devoured by crocodiles as soon as they got anywhere near water. This is northern Australia, after all, and I’m conditioned to expect crocodiles in every creek.

Aesthetics 5/10

Cassowaries are extremely unusual looking birds, but they’re not good looking birds.

Difficulty 4/10

Fording a stream less than a foot deep doesn’t seem very hard at all, although I’m going to give some bonus points for that stream being in an Australian jungle that would certainly kill me within two hours if I found myself lost there.

Competitiveness 0/10

There’s a lot of tension here but no true climax, and therefore no competition.

Overall 10/30

Last week we determined that misplacing your children isn’t sports, and it still isn’t.

Scene 2: Flying Foxes

Until today, I had never really considered how bats drink. But a large bat is extremely ungainly, and so finds it difficult to get off the ground, hence all the hanging upside down from trees and in caves and whatnot. Flying foxes — with a five-foot wingspan, they’re a very large kind of fruit bat — get all the food they need in the trees. Their water, though? That takes a special trick.

As it turns out, they drink by skimming the surface of a river for exactly long enough to soak the long fur on their chests, then return to their roosts to lap it up. It’s a skillful, impressive maneuver, and also — AHHHHH-

In this land of extremes, even a quick dip can mean death. #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/IHXUD9aCMU

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

Some flying foxes are much luckier than others.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet #acloseshave pic.twitter.com/1FnvpaEOka

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

Right. Here’s where all the crocodiles missing from the cassowary scene have ended up, a sort of drinks gauntlet for these poor fruit bats. “Every two metres of river, there is a crocodile,” says our friend Mr. Attenborough. Australia!

Aesthetics 8/10

There’s a beauty in contrasts. Take a bat, full of darting grace, have it skim across the water just so, skillful and serene and then BLAM! a crocodile. Ambush and speed and shock. It is an unpleasant mix for a flying fox, of course, but makes for a fun scene.

Difficulty 10/10

Collecting water on the wing, having to dip into the river just so without making what would be a fatal splash landing, is difficult enough. Now add crocodiles. Eesh.

Competitiveness 5/10

Catching a bat as it’s flying over you is quite hard, but it’s still not much of a fair fight, if you’re a crocodile.

Overall 23/30

I’m a professional journalist. Of course I think drinking is a sport.

Scene 3: The Kangaroo Hunt

In formation #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/uWkw5DyWZm

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

Kangaroos have a top speed of something like 40 mph, which they can sustain for more than a mile. Catching one on open ground is more or less impossible, even for dingos. Although they’re fast in their own right, dingos can’t get close to kangaroos on the plains. So how do they hunt them at all?

The answer is that they turn the kangaroo’s great weapon — their hop — against them. Having failed to take them on level ground, these dingos learn their lesson. They find a new herd of kangaroos on uneven ground, and guide them up a hill, then chase them down it. While a kangaroo’s hopping motion gives it plenty of speed, it’s also less stable than the dingo’s running gait, and it’s especially hard to control going downhill:

You can guess what happens once they crash.

Aesthetics 8/10

Neither of these animals is particularly pretty, but they move beautifully, especially the kangaroos, whose long hops are wonderfully alien to most nature shows.

Difficulty 9/10

Hunting down one of the faster land animals in the world using only your legs? Don’t even try.

Competitiveness 9/10

A close match which required clever tactics for the dingos to earn a win.

Overall 26/30

Very sports.

Scene 4: Sexy Spiders

I suspect that even the most committed arachnophobe would have no problem with jumping spiders. They’re tiny, don’t sneak up on you, have relatively cute little faces and extremely cute little bounces. Unlike most spiders, jumping spiders are active hunters, which means they need acute vision and big eyes. (That might explain the cuteness.) Also they have some very amusing courtship routines.

Female jumping spiders frequently eat the male spiders if they’re unimpressed by their dance moves. They also frequently eat the male spiders even if they are impressed by their dance moves, but let them mate first. This was presumably evolved as a metaphor for capitalism.

Aesthetics 6/10

I like jumping spiders a lot. Unfortunately, these particular spiders are not among the most impressive specimens. Let’s survey some of their competitors:

Lee Hua Ming / Barcroft Media via Getty Images

A flathead jumper

Getty Images

I think this is a peacock spider but it’s only labelled ‘Portraits of Insects’ in Getty’s database so don’t take my word for it I’m not a spider expert. Also, spiders aren’t insects

Steve Russell/Toronto Star via Getty Images

A regal jumping spider

Difficulty 7/10

Seducing a spider with your dance moves seems like quite the challenge. The only thing I have ever successfully achieved while dancing is concussing myself.

Competition 7/10

Think of all the generations of spiders who’ve had to out-dance each other to get here. Think of all the male spiders who are falling at life’s last hurdle. Nature, red in tooth and dance.

Overall 20/30

Sex is one of the original sports.

Scene 5: Thirst Lizards

Another ant bites the dust #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/xAoJjUENJ9

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

Spiky and dry. The thorny devil is a pretty apt ambassador for the Australian Outback, one of the world’s more hostile deserts. Finding food is a problem for its inhabitants, but perhaps less of a problem than finding water. Perentie lizards, the continent’s largest monitor, slake their thirst by eating other lizards (to be honest, this is not my recommended course of action), so when the rains do come, it’s probably unwise for any other lizard to go head-down in a puddle. A thorny devil’s spikes might look impressive, but they’re no use against the 40-pound perentie.

What’s the solution? Sponge impersonation. When a thorny devil finds a puddle, it simply wades into it with its head up. The fine groves between its scales act as capillaries, funneling the water over its body and towards its mouth, and allowing the little lizard to remain vigilant for predators even while drinking.

Aesthetics 8/10

I’m not sure that spikes are really my thing, but even if a lizard isn’t quite in one’s preferred style, one has to appreciate a lizard done well. Even if you don’t like Gothic architecture, for instance, you’re going to be impressed by the Cologne Cathedral. Yes, I am calling the thorny devil the Cologne Cathedral of spikes.

Difficulty 9/10

I think the human equivalent of this would be, something like standing in your drink and trying to spoon it into your mouth somehow. This is biomechanically feasible, but I’m not going to attempt it.

Competition 6/10

Would be zero, sponges not being known competitors. But then there’s a perentie on the prowl, and that rather spices things up.

Overall 23/30

I’m a professional journalist. Of course I think drinking is a sport.

Scene 6: Budgies

Most of inner Australia is a desert, which is my way of saying that yes, this is another scene about drinking. It’s also a scene about budgerigars, which turn out to be expert desert-dwellers. Outside pet shops, their native habitat, budgies have adapted superbly well to the heart of Australia, where they gather in immense flocks and drift from billabong to billabong, where they can get a drink.

Nature is beautiful #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/VhLzNFNSuL

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

But this is Australia, where drinking is exceptionally dangerous. Whenever the flock stops, they’re hunted by birds of prey. The predators also need to drink, so the budgies can get a few sips in while they’re grounded, but there’s not enough time for all of them to quench their thirst.

In the air, budgies are difficult to catch. They fly in close enough formation that hawks have trouble singling them out as individuals, which they need to do if they’re going to grab one on the wing. But eventually the flock has to go back to the water to drink. They do so under the gaze of some very hungry eyes.

When the hawk moves to strike, the budgies take off as fast as they can. Too slow, and they’ll become ex-parakeets.

Aesthetics 9/10

I’m a sucker for bird flocks of basically any stripe. A murmuration of starlings? Yes, please. Canada geese flying in a V as they migrate? Fantastic. Budgies add that nice flash of yellowy-green too. Lovely stuff.

Difficulty 8/10

From the hawks’ perspective, quite difficult. From the budgies’, this amounts to ‘drink fast’, and I can do that.

Bonus points, however, for this bird deliberately making it harder from themself. He’d never leave a budgie behind.

No friend left behind! #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/IaRGpvaqqk

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

Competition 7/10

Overwhelming numbers are the only reason that hawk vs. budgerigar is a contest.

Overall 24/30

I’m a professional journalist. Of course I think drinking is a sport.

Scene 7: That is a LOT of Sharks

We can’t have an Australia episode without the Great Barrier Reef, damaged by anthropogenic climate change though it may be. But we’re not focusing on the corals or their inhabitants here. Instead, we’re treated to a shark hunt, and on a titanic scale.

When you think of a shark hunt, what comes to mind? For me, it’s something like a great white blowing right out of the water to end some unfortunate sea critter:

But shark attacks are not always so dramatic, or so individualistic. Sharks have spent hundreds of millions of years hunting whatever critters come their way, and they’ve evolved all sort of techniques to catch as many of them as possible. And along Australia’s north coast, they sometimes turn shepherd.

When conditions are right, once every decade or so, they do so in absurd numbers. Millions of fish are driven by hundreds of sharks right up against the coast, penned in while they wait to attack. So many fish are jammed into such a tight space that the overall effect is like an oil slick:

BBC Earth

Fish (centre) herded against the shore by sharks

Have I mentioned that there are a lot of sharks? There are a lot of sharks. The whole thing looks slightly unreal.

BBC Earth

The sharks wait until just the right moment, when they have as many fish as possible trapped, and then they feast. Yum yum.

Aesthetics 10/10

The sheer scale here is mind-blowing and the cinematography captures it perfectly. There are so many sharks involved that it’s hard to even process from the top-down view.

Difficulty 7/10

Herding fish takes patience and extreme coordination, and I have neither.

Competitiveness 2/10

This isn’t much of a contest once the sharks take the handbrake off.

Overall 19/30

Fishing is a sport, so this is probably a sport.

Scene 7: Those Poor Devils

Tasmanian devils have had a rough go of things. The entire devil population on the Australian mainland wiped out thousands of years ago, more or less coincidental with the introduction of the dingo from Asia. Their last stronghold is — or more accurately, was — Tasmania, Australia’s biggest island. There they are cut off from dingos by the Bass Strait.

Unfortunately, in the last 30 years a non-dingo population has arisen in the form of a transmissible cancer. Devil facial tumor disease can spread by biting, and since devils love to bite each other, it has spread like wildfire through almost the whole population. The tumors caused by DFTD eventually prevent devils from eating, starving them to death.

Given that it should come as no surprise that the Tasmanian devil is now endangered. This quiet scene shows one of the last wild devil families, isolated from DFTD by living on an islet off the Tasmanian coast. While their mother scavenges a wallaby corpse from a beach, the pups explore the area outside their den, doing the sorts of things all babies do: trying to eat rocks, annoying some ants, and dragging a stick into the house for absolutely no reason.

The great, all powerful, and terrifying….rock #SevenWorldsOnePlanet #thatdeesculatedquickly pic.twitter.com/cm8gFNI9cU

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 17, 2019

They’re very cute.

Aesthetics 7/10

Baby animals goofing around is high marks every time.

Difficulty 0/10

The mother’s meal is already dead and the pups’ idea of a good time is harassing a rock.

Competitiveness 0/10

Nothing happens.

Overall 7/30

Definitely not a sport.

[miyu-hyperfixates]

Train attendant!MDZS AU (part 1)

So I’m currently reading a C novel called Card Room. Which is basically the MC and ML having to go through several survival/puzzle/escape/mystery rooms. And the arc I’m reading right now is about murders occurring on a three-days trip train and the two main characters have to investigate and solve them. In real life, one is a forensic doctor and the other one is a police investigator, so it’s pretty easy for them. In the context of the room though they are impersonating train attendants.

And at some point after discovering the first victim, the forensic doctor rattled a bunch of medical facts and the witnesses around him where like “???” and one of them even went like “Are train attendants really that amazing nowadays? You know medicine?!”

So then a plot bunny emerged in my mind about an universe where aboard a train all staffs are actually hidden (or not so hidden) badasses... Like if you’re familiar with the TV tropes terminology they are all either  Ambiguously Trained or Almighty Janitors.  And because my mind always come back some way or another to MDZS nowadays.

So imagine the MDZS characters... It might be that after canon, all of the characters for some reasons miraculously came back to life and all the cast managed to reach immortality. Or that all of them are actually the reincarnation of the canon characters and remember their past lives (and got the same skills/abilities). Anyway, no matter the reasons, they are all chilling in the modern areas and for some reasons are actually all ‘working’ as staff members of this special train.

Except none of them actually bother to hide their skills or even try to appear normal... Some do try to at least do their jobs but well, with more or less success depending on the person ...So of course pure chaos and mayhem follow!

[Note, this is written in a sort of outsider perspective... So most of the time I use identifiers while referring to characters. The parts in brackets are mostly the thoughts/reactions of the passenger witnessing the general craziness of the MDZS’s characters....

Note 2: Also this is supposed to be pure crack, so please do note take anything seriously. ] 

Coach 1 &16 - the Driver coaches

So one of the thing a passenger on the MDZS Express might notice that the driver carriages are actual very long compared to standard ones. They are like half the length of a passenger carriage, which can usually house up to twenty rows of seats. What does the driver needs such a huge space?  

It is a staff only area so passengers are not allowed to access it. But periodically passengers sitting near the door would able to hear a loud “swooshing” and “thumping” sounds, as if someone was violently swinging a baseball bat in there.

Only few staff members are seen venturing into there. And the driver is hardly seen by anyone.

Most of the time it’s a very handsome man wearing all white clothes with a constant serene smile on his face, who’ll gentle knock on the door carrying foods into the driving carriage. The 1m90 driver will then open the door and welcome the man in, a very soft expression on his usually stern and scary face.

Occasionally a short attendant with a vermilion mark on his forehead, wearing a crisp and sharp uniform (he is probably the only one wearing the proper attendant uniform) and looking very aggravated will knock on the door. Compared as to when the man in white walked in, the atmosphere was definitively full of aggression and tension.

The few times the driver decided to leave his coach, his default expression seemed to be “I’m going to beat someone to death” scowl or something... and the passengers will witness this huge ass man carrying an equally huge ass fake (”It must be fake right? Who’ll allow a driver to carry such a weapon?!”) saber on his back strode down the aisle....the first time it happens all the passengers collectively froze in fear... Random passenger A: terrorist?! Is this a terrorist attack?! Are we all going to die?!

But after a while they got used to it and soon realized that they were always two outcomes to this situation. The terrorist  driver will either disappear for forty to sixty minutes and then come back significantly less tensed. Or he’ll come back less than fifteen minutes later dragging with him a wailing man and muttering something about training. The door will close behind them with a huge slam and then screams of distress could be distinctively heard from inside. (”Is this a murder? Do we need to call the police?!!!”)   

If you’re courageous enough to try to talk to him, when you see him walk by... Don’t ask him for the arrival times, or information about the stations and so on, he’ll just look blankly at you and say “How should I know? Go ask the short bastard.” (Aren’t you the driver of this train?!!!) [By the way if you ask him where the train is going, he’ll answer something like “north”]

Coach 15 - the staff coach

This is also a staff only areas, containing the staff’s offices and beds.

According to some staff members the cabines are soundproof. When asked why they would need such a thing, most of the attendants would shudder violently and mutter something about “everyday”. 

What nearby passengers use to describe this coach is “excessively loud”, “occasionally explosive”, “might cause the entire nearby carriage to shake from the shockwave of whatever is going on in here” and “believe me you don’t want to know”.

So let’s keep it at that. 

Coach 2 -  first-class seat coach

This is actually one of the most low key coach? Apart from being next to the driver carriage (and the drama that comes with it) there isn’t actually much excitement there.

For some reasons this seem to be the less popular coach? Only first-timers (who can afford it) would usually buy those types of tickets.

Recurrent passengers would pick up other coaches, not because it’s too expensive but because this coach is “kinda boring” 

Coach 3&4 - business-class seat coach

Those two coaches are managed by three persons: a married couple and another woman (who seems to be a close friend/sister of the wife?). All of them are wearing Tang dynasty clothes and they looked so classy in it! As if coming straight out of an ancient period drama.

The wife especially is very beautiful, she looks to be in her thirties but she’s actually the mother of the restaurant cook and the scary guy who is always scowling and whose job is unknown, and the adoptive mother of the bartender of the bar. She is also the grandmother of the two young waiters... which made her closer to sixty(”?!” “what is this witchcraft?” “Actually what kind of supreme good genes go through this family?!”)   

By the way... the other female attendant, her close friend? She is the other grandmother of the rich looking waiter in the restaurant car. And of fucking course she looked to be in her mid-thirty. (WTF)

This coach is actually quite popular? One of the reasons is of course because the two beautiful ladies attracted a lot of admirers.

But really like 70% of them are here because they want to witness the show. This coach is known as the scums lashing coach. If anyone dares to do anything improper or is particularly misbehaving, the two kickass ladies will strike them down either with their sharp tongues or with their even sharper martial skills (if the person in question tries to use force) .

It doesn’t matter if the opponent is a 2 meter mountain of muscles, they will knock them down as if it was a troublesome fly.

Regulars with particularly scummy acquaintances  would book this coach tickets hoping that they will act out of hand and be taught a lesson.

Misbehaving and very rude passengers from other coach will also be bumped up or down to the business class by the other attendants. Some of them are probably thinking that they are lucky.... but oh boy are they wrong.     

Meanwhile the husband is just serenely drinking tea in the background... Occasionally he’d ask if they need help getting rid of the trash on the floor.

Coach 5 to 8 - second-class seat coaches

Those coaches’ attendants are probably one of the weirdest combination of personalities.

There’s one man dressed in white who looked super innocent and clueless about basically everything. He is very kind and nice... but don’t try to ask him anything more that the layout of the rows.

Everywhere this man goes, there is always going to be another man looming behind him. This man is dressed completely in black and looks very serious and sorta gloomy. However his face will soften significantly whenever the white dressed man looks at him.

Another attendant from this coach is a blind young girl, carrying a walking stick. She is irreverent sometimes downright rude with a huge potty mouth and for some reasons she’ll always manage to whack the legs of the people making fun of her with her stick. And no assholes she doesn’t care if you want to go complain to her boss. 

And then there’s the psychopath. For some reasons right in the middle of showing you to your seat, or answering one of your question, he’ll randomly take out a knife a play with it, while smiling creepily and staring at you, as if he was picturing how you’ll look with your intestine out of your body.

At this point, the blind girl would smoothly walk over apologize, “I’m sorry he didn’t take his medicine yet.” and out of the blue she’ll whacked him hard in the head with her stick (hard enough that he lost consciousness). “here you go, please enjoy your travel.” Then for good measures she’ll kick him when he’s still down and walk away.

Also because those four coaches house most of the train seats, statistically speaking this is also where the vermilion guy will be. And so, more often than not, you’ll witness the train driver stomping forward and start a fight with the short guy. And whoa is it wild and aggressive. Despite behind a whole head shorter than the driver, he’ll still bite back without fear and words like “strangling to death” or “dismembering” would be throw around.

When it happens the blind attendant would heave a huge exasperated sigh and take out an electronic device before making a general announcement via the train speakers; “To smiley face, meat-head and his royal pain-in-the-ass dimpleness are causing trouble again, please come to couch 5 and deal with them before someone lose their heads because of their bullshits.”

Then less than five minutes later, the man dressed in white would stride in very peacefully, smoothly insert himself between the two fighters and then easily pick them up by the back collar, one in each hand, like particularly misbehaving kitten. (”WTF?!!!! How strong is that guy?!”) He’ll then proceed to walk toward the nearest cupboard and throw them in before locking it and placing a weird looking talisman on the door. (”.........” “Are you exorcising them? What the hell?”)

And for twenty whole minutes no sounds could be heard from the cupboard despite the periodic shockwave on the door as if someone was violently knocking on it.

Two minutes after the ‘knocking’ on the door stopped and then it was cut neatly in half. (”.....”) Allowing the two previously very aggravated people to escape from the cupboard. For some reasons though they looked significantly calmer (”Maybe they fought it out?” “Yeah, sure, that’s what happened”).     

Of course before anyone could react, a youth wearing heavy make-up ran in and wailed, “Nie-zongzhu why do you keep doing this?!! Don’t you know how to use the door? This is the tenth one this week.” The so-called meat-head: Ah... My bad. His royal major pain-in-the-ass dimpleness: Don’t worry, Xuanyu, the cost of the door will be deducted from da-ge’s pay... Though to be honest, considering his destructive track-record... he’ll probably need to be working here for more than three centuries before he’ll actually get any salary. You’d think he’ll learn some restraint after a while. The meat-head: You - Smiley face, smoothly taking both their hands and dragging them away: Okay you two, let’s go eat something. 

The non-specific coaches staff members:

As mentioned before there is exactly one (1) attendants wearing the attendant uniform. He is the most competent and proper staff member (not that it’s very hard, considering who are the competition) and probably the most reliable too (when he is not busy picking fight with huge saber carrying men or being locked up in cupboards). For that reason he is not in charge of a specific coach, but of all the passengers of the trains. His efficient and memory are kinda super scary... If you’re boarding the train in the morning, then rest assured that in the afternoon this attendant will know and remember your name, age, seat numbers, tickets numbers, Id number (from the ID Card that you showed him for like two seconds when he checked your tickets)  and food preference.

The staff member with the serene smile and dressed in white doesn’t seem to have a specific carriage either. The most likely coaches you might find him in are the 2 or 14 coaches (depending on which is closer to the driver), the bar (where he’ll chat with his brother), the coach no.13 where you’ll see him drink tea with his uncle. (This seem to be a huge family business? What’s up with all the kinship between the staffs?! Are they all connected to one another?) Or alternatively you’ll see him accompanying the most perfect employee of the century.

He seems very idle and doesn’t have a specific job? [His official job description entails dealing with NMJ and JGY’s foreplay quarrels and to keep things from turning too R18 rated in the bar... because the bartender and the guqin player are not trusted to keep their wandering hands to themselves in public]  

There is an attendant who is officially in charge of coach 2 or 14 (whichever is further away from the driver) but you’ll never actually see him there. Like he’ll stroll around in every other coaches except the one he is supposed to work in. And because he is dressing very casually you won’t even actually identify him as a staff member. He’ll smoothly insert himself into your passenger group and then happily chat with you. It’s only when the driver will barge in, dragging the attendant out to either “go do your fucking job” or “It’s time to train!” that they’ll realize that the one talking to them was a staff member.

So this attendant will come chat with you and somehow he know private information about you that he shouldn’t possibly know about and casually mention it the conversation, like “Oh, I heard your father got admitted to the hospital, is he better know?” or stuff that even you didn’t know about “Your boyfriend is such a dickhead for shitting on you with your brother.”

Afterwards it will lead to conversation like this: after the attendant had been dragged away “Oh I didn’t know your friend worked on this train!” “My friend? I thought he was yours? I actually never met him.” “Eh? Then how come he knew about your sister going to that concert tomorrow?” “I thought you told him!” “No I didn’t!” “...” “...”  

So scary.

So words spread around about that MDZS Express attendant who seems to know a lot of things and that he can be found in the second-class seat coaches. And so some people specifically book a ticket there to track him down and ask him information.

 But once they managed to corner him, his eyes would get very huge and he’ll frantically shake his head before hiding behind his fan, all the while crying “I don’t know!!! I really don’t know!”

His reaction was so intense that some would actually be taken aback... “Did we get the wrong guy?”

Then the attendant would flee and rush towards another one, “San-ge, please help me!!! Those passengers are bullying me!!!”

He got a very flat look from the ‘San-ge’ in question that seemed to say ‘Are we really still doing this?’, but even though this San-ge showed no sympathy whatsoever he still came to the passenger and told them “We are very sorry for not being able to help you. How about I bump you up to the business class coach as an apology? As a lot of passengers have sneakily tried to enter the business class areas by claiming to being bumped up by our staff members, we have established a password of sort. Once you reach the coach please make sure to find the lady wearing yellow and tell her ‘Don’t you think the dishwasher is an incompetent moron?’... She’ll take care of you. ” 

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Right so this got way longer than expected, so you’ll get the rest of the coaches (restaurants, bar, infirmary, sleeper coaches) in another part.

Like I mentioned above I wrote this in an “outsider” POV so most of the time I didn’t mention any names.... But did you manage to identify all the characters?

Also a lot of characters ‘working’  in the second half of the train have already been mentioned obliquely before. So you know more or less in which coach they are. The only one I didn’t mention is the infirmary... but well I don’t think it’s hard to guess who work there haha.

#mdzs #cql #the untamed #pure crack #my shitty au #throwing MXTX thoughts in the void #oh boy there are a lot of characters to tag in here #*cracks fingers* #nmj #lxc #jgy #nielan (implied) #nieyao (implied) #3zun #(implied) #I say 'implied' but it's as implied as wangxian was in cql #yes of course karen they fought in the closet and bump periodically on the door as a result #nhs #nhs got his spy networks in every universe #madam yu #madam jin #jfm #xxc #sl #xy #a-qing #a-qing medicine involve beating people with a stick #it's super effective #only xy needs this kind of medicine though #mxy is in charge of replacing anything that get broken on the train