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ja3yun · 3 months

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Melting Point | P.SH | CH.1

brother's rival!sunghoon x fem!reader warnings: heavily suggestive, kissing, perv!hoon, mentions of self doubt and overthinking, yn's mum is an asshole, anything else lmk! ch.1 synopsis: when circumstances unexpectedly bring you and your brother's long-time ice skating rival, park sunghoon, together, you discover a surprising connection. However, your brother forbids any relationship between you. Will you heed his advice or follow your heart? wc: 14.3k masterlist | next a/n: hi! first chapter is finally here and i hope you all like it. each chapter will be released on friday and roughly between 10k - 16k (since people wanted longer chapters, however, i am open to any feedback regarding lengths). enjoy and please leave any comments/likes/reblogs if you wish !! also, peep the new header

‘We’re dancing, dancing, dancing in the moonlight.'

The blaring of your alarm pulls you from the cocoon of sleep, and you groan into your pillow. The idea of getting up before 6 am feels like a crime, yet here you are, abruptly awakened at 4:30 am by the dulcet tones of TO1.

With a begrudging sigh, you reach for your phone, dismissing the alarm, and then collapse back, staring at the ceiling. This routine has been a part of your life since childhood, and you'd think you'd be accustomed to it by now. However, no matter how early you sleep, removing yourself from the warmth of your bed remains a daily struggle.

You can hear your brother and mum scooting around downstairs, their usual ‘Do you have everything?’, ‘Where are the car keys?’, ‘Get your sister’ conversations louder than they need to be at this time in the day. The last one does mean you better get a move on and go downstairs.

While you put on your peach-flavoured chapstick, your brother bursts into your room, “Hurry up, Y/N.” His eyes roll and he slams the door shut as quickly as he opens it.

You have had the same routine since you were 6 years old. Same exchanges, same panic, same everything.

Minhee, your older brother, is the reason you have this same routine. When he was 6 years old, Mum took you and him ice skating for the first time and he was a natural. His feet took to the ice like fish to water, like chocolate to strawberries, like you to garlic bread. It was fated. By 7 years old he was already training and what was once a fun hobby turned into a gruelling regime of early rises and the need for a good winter jacket.

“2 minutes!” You shout down to them, one quick glance over in the mirror to make sure you look presentable.

Running down the stairs you’re greeted by your impatient mum tapping her foot, “Come on, Y/N we really can’t be late today. Coach Kim needs us there as soon as possible. Big announcement.” Her hands are flapping around animated as she speaks, “I think he’s finally going to let Minhee try that quadruple axel we’ve been begging him to let him do for Nationals!”

Your brother looks disinterested, “Mum, he’s already said it’s out of my depth.” His tone is bitter.

Minhee was amazing at ice skating, winning so many medals your mum had you move out of your double room to the box one so she could display them all. By 10 he was the youngest ever in your city to reach state championships and by 14 he was competing at the National level. It did make him the golden, silver, and bronze child in your family, but you didn’t mind all that much - not that you would tell her it did.

It’s not like you’re doing anything half as impressive as winning trophies, now that was what your mother truly found pride in. You could become a CEO or a lawyer but if you couldn’t hit a toe loop worthy of gold it wouldn’t impress her.

You did try skating when you were younger but it was like you turned into Bambi, never able to find your feet. Even when it snows in winter you can’t hold yourself up. Deep down your mum hoped you would be just like Minhee, creating an opportunity for you both to branch into pair figure skating like the Shib Sibs but no matter how many times Minhee tried to teach you or she got his coach to give you a few free pointers, you couldn’t do it. She’s disappointed and quite frankly you think she holds a grudge against you for not being anything like your amazing, spectacular, talented brother.

But you still loved to watch the sport, how efficiently and painlessly each skater would glide across the ice and do manoeuvres that defied gravity. It was a magical sport, so when your mum dragged you along to every practice because she couldn’t afford a babysitter, you didn’t mind all that much.

Tying up your final lace you stand up from the bottom step and Minhee passes you your black jacket with faux fur lining. You mutter a quick ‘thanks’ before grabbing your book bag and all three of you head to the car.

"What if it's the Olympics!" Squealing, your mother fastens her seatbelt. What if it was the Olympics? Despite consistently finishing in the top three, if not first, in most major competitions in his teenage years, his coach never selected him for the Youth Olympic Games. But now that he’s 20 years old, he could compete in the Olympics.

Your brother looks sideways at your mother and widens his eyes, "You think so?" It was his dream to make it to the Olympics, and even if he didn't win, he wanted to experience everything; the different country, being surrounded by the best of the best - he had been planning his routine for it forever.

There is a little envious man who climbs up on your shoulder from time to time when conversations like this happen. Of course, you would be so happy for Minhee, after all, he works harder than anyone you know but you wish it was you. Not necessarily the skating part, but to be so good at something you have a goal and dreams that take you to the top. Just something to make you feel alive.

You’re in your 2nd year of University studying Events and Marketing after your mum said it would be good for you to learn how to pitch reasons why Minhee would be a great brand ambassador. So you did it to please her. Honestly, you actually do enjoy it, you won’t lie about that, but the lack of appreciation for your efforts goes unnoticed 99% of the time. The 1% was when you got to shadow a boss at a Nike headquarters branch a few cities over.

“Get a good word in for Minhee while you’re there!”

She was proud of you that day.

As the car rolls up to the rink’s parking lot your mother turns serious, “If this is about choosing you for the Olympics, Min, you need to act excited and unexpectant, they may be filming a behind-the-scenes documentary on your journey to a gold medal.”

Image. Your mum was big on keeping Minhee’s reputation on brand. Right now his ‘brand’ is being humble and noble.

“Yes mum,” he salutes, “Smile and flutter.” Winking and smirking as he mocks his usual signature poses causes you to laugh but your mum finds nothing funny and her change in aura scares both of you out of the car.

_____

The usually quiet ice rink is filled with chatter and chaos, with over 20 people speaking over each other. Minhee looks down at you and you shrug. None of you had any clue what was going on but if your years of watching Detective Conan paid off you would say that whatever caused this commotion was the reason the coach asked Minhee to come in as quickly as possible.

Customarily, at this time in the morning, it’s Minhee’s solo practice hours to work on his routine for Nationals so this many people here is concerning.

“Listen!” Coach Kim’s voice bellowed around the arena putting the chattering to a halt, “I know this is untimely and inconvenient, trust me, it is for me too,” Your eyes follow his and see another coach standing about 2 meters from him, “But we need to make this work and to do that I need you to listen to me.”

As your family approaches the disarray, Coach Kim beckons you all forward. Minhee is the first to ask the all too important question, “What’s going on, Coach?” The people behind you scatter and begrudgingly tread out of the building, their faces glum and disgruntled.

“Minhee, Ms. Kang, Y/N,” Coach Kim greets you all, “Sorry about all that, although telling them was a lot less scary than you.”

“What? Is this place shutting down?” Minhee jokes but by the look on Coach Kim’s face he isn’t far off.

“Not exactly.” Scratching his neck, Coach Kim looks everywhere but Minhee’s eyes, “You know the Albion Centre? The rink on the other side of town?” All three of you nod despite that he’s only talking to your brother, “Well the council had a little meeting last week and they’re turning it fully into a Hockey training centre.”

The words sit in the air as he hopes Minhee will come to the conclusion himself, “So what? Just means more time for skating here right? If all the Hockey team are going over there?”

Sighing, the coach nods, “For sure, but it also means every skater from there will be, well, here.” He gestures around and then points half-heartedly at the other Coach who is stepping forward.

“Kang Minhee, it’s great to meet you properly, I’ve heard nothing but great things,” he extends his hand which your brother accepts, still dazed from the information, “I’m Coach Lee.”

“Wait so, EVERY skater in the town will be here? in Belmore? Coach Kim, that's not possible, my training time will be cut!” Minhee is sulking but you don’t blame him. This is a fucked up situation.

Coach Lee answers, “Not true, Minhee, with the Hockey team over at Albion it frees up some ice time, you’ll get to train more if you want to.”

“And! No more shield guards around the rink, you always hated those!” Coach Kim smiles and playfully punches his chest.

There is something the Coaches aren’t telling him. Like they’re presenting him with all the benefits before hitting him with a bombshell. You know it and for sure your mother knows it. She has been eerily quiet throughout the whole exchange, if there is one thing more unsettling than her shouting, it’s her silence.

“Albion, huh?” She steps forward and tapers her eyes, “Isn’t that the rink where the Parks are located? And aren’t you Lee Jaeho? The coach of that snake ‘Ice Prince’?”

Tension spreads around everyone’s shoulders, the Coaches can’t look at her, and none of you move.

A loud click echoes throughout the rink as someone walks through the door.

“Coach what the fuck?” The voice booms behind you, “Why did I have to drive almost an hour to come here, why couldn’t we just meet at Albi?”

Park Sunghoon.

What’s that saying? Speak of the devil and he shall appear? His mother shuffles in behind him, vocalising her own distaste for being here as if it were the most inconvenient thing in the world. Little do they know…

It’s like the world stops when Sunghoon and Minhee see each other and not in a rom-com way, “What the fuck is HE doing here?” Sunghoon points to Minhee, not taking his eyes off him.

“This is MY rink, Park.”

Sunghoon and Minhee have been competitors since they were 9 years old. Each of them competes against one another in every competition, always striving for first place. It began as healthy competition, and they were even friends at one point, but as they grew older and each mother became increasingly determined to claim their kid was superior to the others, a rivalry developed. If one of them did something, the other had to outdo it tenfold.

When Minhee learned how to do a double axel, Sunghoon learned a triple. When Sunghoon landed his Euler jumps, Minhee was landing an Euler but following it up with a Salchow. When Minhee won the Junior Silver Medal in 2015, Sunghoon won the Junior Gold Medal in 2016.

It was always like this.

Their similarities didn’t help either, both 20, towering at 6”0, and blessed with faces that effortlessly drew admiring glances from girls. Objectively, you’ve only really seen the attraction to Sunghoon given that Minhee is your brother, however, you're not blind to the bevvy of girls who gravitate towards him either. This is precisely why your mother insisted on Minhee maintaining his brand, which stood in stark contrast to Sunghoon's.

He wasn’t rude or stuck up, actually from what you’ve perceived from afar, he is kind and gentle. But unlike your brother's ‘humble’ persona, Sunghoon knows he’s good and will tell anyone about it. Sunghoon’s confidence is easily mistaken for haughtiness. He can come across as arrogant and cocky, just like those sports journalists have been branding him for years like he thinks he’s better than anyone else past and present.

Having been to every competition Minhee has skated in has led you to know a few things about Park Sunghoon. He was arguably the best skater in the division, even over Minhee, he was determined, hard-working, resilient, and fit as fuck.

To say you used to have a crush on him would be the understatement of the century, matter of fact it was so obvious back then that your mum would often reprimand you for staring at him too long. He was your first crush, you were 8 and he was 9, and like some girls that age you planned out a wedding, a future of 2 dogs and you’d both live in a pink palace. At first, it was his looks, no one in your primary school looked that pretty or even shone a torch compared to him. It was like seeing an angel for the first time. But then you started to grow up, and while still appreciating his face, you focused on how beautifully he skated and how majestic he moved. He was so passionate about the sport it made you feel butterflies, you hadn’t seen love like that before. Sunghoon and the rink were fated to be together.

“Sunghoon, calm down.” His coach whispered, “We need to tell you something-”

“I am NOT sharing my rink with that fucking z-list prick, alright?” Minhee didn’t hold back, he got that anger from your mother.

Turning to his coach, Sunghoon raised his eyebrows, “What does he mean sharing?”

Both Coaches exhaled. You can’t imagine how many times they have had to explain this situation, they probably should have just sent out an email. So as Coach Lee takes Sunghoon and his mum to the side, Coach Kim is looking at Minhee apologetically, “I’m sorry, Minhee. I know he’s your biggest competition, and trust me, I don’t exactly love this outcome either,” rubbing a hand down his exhausted face he whispers, “but work with me here. I’ve scheduled you guys at different times, you won’t even need to see him.”

“That’s not the point, Coach, you know how I feel about him.”

If it wasn’t for your mum you seriously ponder whether Minhee would have such a strong hatred for the fellow ice skater, and as you look at Sunghoon you wonder the same thing.

“I know trust me, you and your mother make that perfectly clear every time we cross them at comps, but you just gotta live with it, son.”

The coaches come back together and look at both of their young prodigies, “Minhee you’ll train morning, and Sunghoon you’ll train nights. Because of the merger of rinks, we have an excessive number of skaters, so we are making it a 24-hour arena but ONLY for you two and Wonyoung since Nationals are coming up.” Both coaches nodded their heads as if agreeing with themselves that this was a good choice, “So if you happen to turn up at the same time, you respect each others’ space and behave like grown men. Got it?”

Grumbling, your brother rolls his eyes, and Sunghoon nods. This is going to be a disaster.

Just as you think all bickering would be over, the mothers start chasing after the coaches as they head into the office. You felt bad for the trainers having to deal with this and getting blamed for it all, but most importantly, you feel sorry for them because they have to listen to both your mum and Mrs. Park for at least an hour.

Once the door to their office shut, it was silent, the only noise coming from the large ACs.

Scared to look any of them in the eye you place a hand on Minhee’s arm, “Come on, you need to practice.”

“Emphasis on the ‘need’.” Sunghoon pipes up and you wish he hadn’t. You were a fool to think this parting would be civil.

Minhee pokes his tongue in his cheek and looks at his rival, “You got something to say?” He’s challenging Sunghoon, baiting him to start something, but Sunghoon doesn’t budge, “Better watch my skate doesn’t somehow come flying off and slit you open.” Minhee was all bark and no bite, you knew this, but he seems deadly serious right now.

“Is that a threat?” Sunghoon stands tall against Minhee.

“It’s a fucking promise, Park.”

No one says anything else, they don’t have to, the look in their eyes is scary as they stand toe to toe with one another. “Let’s go, Mini.” You squeak out his nickname. By no means are you a timid person but you don’t want to interject and suddenly find yourself in the firing line.

With a grunt, your brother obeys and storms out and into the changing rooms, leaving you and Sunghoon alone.

His stern eyes flicker to your soft ones, it’s been a while since you’ve been this close to him, close enough to admire him. His black hair is fluffy and unstyled unlike how it is usually when you see him at competitions, the bags under his eyes prove how hard he’s working whether at skating or general life and the freckles that are perfectly placed on his face suddenly look more ethereal than before. Sunghoon is the epitome of beauty.

While you’re staring you fail to notice how he is staring right back at you, taking in all your features like he’s trying to commit them to memory. He hasn’t seen you since Sectionals which didn’t seem like that long ago but to him, it feels like a lifetime. You’ve cut your hair since then and Sunghoon noticed.

Meeting his eyes once again you see how they sparkle, just like they do when he’s on the ice.

“Sorry for my brother, he can be-”

“A dick?”

“A lot,” Your tone is filled with warning. Sunghoon might have been right but that’s still your brother, “He can be a lot but you already know that.”

Walking up to you, he tilts his head and smiles softly, “Don’t start apologising for him now, Sweets.” He leans so his face meets yours, “Or else you’ll be apologising your whole life.”

Sunghoon pats your head and makes his way to the coach's office, leaving you mesmerised.

______

Minhee and Sunghoon have successfully kept their distance from each other for the past two weeks, which has been a relief to everyone. If this pattern continues, there is hope that everything will just be a harmonious as before the merge.

Although the rink was now open for their disposal, you were never more grateful. No, it wasn’t for you, the coaches explicitly said it was for the future medalists, but you knew the receptionist for the building and she would let you away with anything if you batted your lashes and gave her a box of Toffees.

Growing up at the rink meant you found solace in the atmosphere and surroundings, so much so that you went there to simply study, the arena oddly hugging you in comfort while you tore the hair from your head. Skaters and staff became your friends with how much time you’ve spent in the bleachers. Typically, it would be during the day with what little spare time you had, but with the building being open around the clock it means you can inhabit the premises in the middle of the night, the perfect time to get your head down and work.

That is where you are headed right now just after your shift at the supermarket. It was as painful as ever with customers not understanding that you don’t make the prices, or that no you cannot watch their baby while they run for a jug of milk. It’s baffling how dense some people can be.

The rink is a nice place to relax and get away from it all.

Pushing open the door you see the receptionist, Miss Barbara, filing her nails. She was a friendly woman, the kind type, but when Coach Kim told her she would have to work some nights she wasn’t so sweet and caring, not to him anyway.

Her real name is just Barbara but as the years went on, she adopted this regal persona and insisted everyone call her Miss or Ma’am. Only you and Minhee gave in to her request though.

“Hi, Miss Barbara,” You wave. Reaching into your white tote bag you retrieve her bribes, eh, goodies, and pass them to her.

With much delight, she wiggles her fingers and slips them from the desk into her lap, “Y/N you are my favourite person that walks through those doors!” Her eyes are trained on the sweets rather than you when she speaks which makes you chuckle.

“Glad I can be held in such high regard, Miss Barbara,” You change your accent to a posh one and wave like a Queen in her tiny town car. Lifting her head, Miss Barbara sees your roleplay and laughs, dismissing you into the rink.

As you step into the arena, the chill of the air greets you, accompanied by the soothing sound of skates slicing through the ice. Finding your way to the centre of the second row of bleachers, you settle in, unpacking your bag and gracefully arranging your belongings. Crossing your legs to create space for your laptop and paper, you deftly balance everything, a skill you've honed to perfection.

Typing in your password you hear the skates coming towards you and scraping to a halt but you don’t look up.

“If you’ve come to spy on my routine you aren’t doing a very good job at hiding.” Sunghoon playfully remarks. You hadn’t even noticed it was him who was skating, since it was usually Wonyoung gracing the ice you just expected it to be her. He looks at your mess of a lap and scrunches his full eyebrows, “Like you’re really not making it discrete.”

You look up and see him pointing to your laptop, “Oh, no I’m just studying.” Returning to typing you hear him scoff, making you look at him again.

“You expect me to believe that?” The look on his face is incredulous when you don’t budge, “What? Don’t they have libraries at your Uni?”

Sunghoon’s tone is accusatory and you don’t like it. “Look, I don’t have beef with you okay? That’s the wrong Kang sibling.” There is no reason for him to be giving you attitude right now, you hadn’t done anything wrong, an innocent bystander in all this.

Deep down he knew that too, but he couldn’t be too careful.

Crossing his arms, he leans on top of the barrier and rests his chin, examining you and how much you’re telling the truth, “So, what? You genuinely just sit here and study? Does the cold stimulate your brain or something?”

“No, it’s like white noise at this point, comforting.” Glancing up you see his still dubious expression, “Ugh, look I come here all the time, ask anyone!” Your arms gesturing to the empty rink is not really helping your case.

Having had enough you slam the laptop shut and stand up, “Whatever, I’ll just go somewhere else.”

Sunghoon shoots his arms up to mock surrender, “Woah, Sweets, calm down, I was just making sure. Need to air on the side of caution, yeah?” His voice softens.

Making you uncomfortable wasn’t on his list of things to do, but his mum made it very clear your whole family wasn’t to be trusted, and he always heeded his mother's warnings even if he thought she was being overdramatic. “Listen, stay here as long as you want but if I see your brother doing a double toe loop into a triple axel I know who to blame.”

With a smirk, you sit back down, “See now you’ve just told me your big secret,” a laugh leaves your lips, “Changed your mind on trusting a Kang so soon huh?”

He’s flabbergasted.

Did he really just tell you part of his routine like it was nothing, in an instant after he just told himself not to be so trusting of you? You’re more dangerous than he first thought, and you aren’t even trying.

After seeing the realisation come over his face you laugh loudly, “Sunghoon, don’t worry. My brother can handle you on his own, he doesn’t need to cheat to beat you.”

“Say that to my 8 first places over him.” It goes silent. It’s not like you could argue with him, Sunghoon did beat Minhee in a lot of skates.

Trying to lighten the mood he points to you, “No pictures.” He jokes and skates away adroitly.

You don’t see the smile creeping onto his face, or the way tries to shake you out of his head. That conversation between you made him want it to be the start of many more, much more.

________

Emerging from your room, you're taken aback to find your mom standing right at your door, narrowly avoiding a collision. Both of you gasp and instinctively clutch your chests. "Jesus, Y/N, you scared me," she exclaims. Ignoring the fact that she's lingering around your room, you offer an apology, which she quickly dismisses. "A letter came for you," she informs you, handing over the manila envelope before walking away. At least she isn't one of those moms who loiter and wait for you to open it; she doesn't fuss over things like that. Or perhaps, she doesn't fuss over you.

Abandoning your plan to head to the kitchen for a cup of tea, you return to your bed and sprawl across it, letting your legs dangle off the edge. With a swift motion, you tear open the envelope and unfold the letter, eagerly scanning its contents.

Dear Y/N Kang,

At Yonsei University, our students consistently impress us with their dedication and commitment to excellence. Each year, we have the privilege of acknowledging one outstanding student whose remarkable progress merits special recognition. This year, we are delighted to announce that you have been selected as the top student of Yonsei University.

In light of your exceptional achievements, we would be honoured to celebrate your success by presenting you with an award. A special ceremony, bringing together top students from across the city, will be held on the 23rd of September at 7 pm in the historic Cathedral adjacent to our university campus. You are welcome to bring a plus one to share in this momentous occasion.

Congratulations once again on this well-deserved honour.

You skim-read the rest, and a triumphant smile creeps onto your face. There's no conceivable way you're at the top of the University this year - perhaps the top of your year, but the entire university? It feels like a surreal, sick joke. Investigating the envelope, you spot the official stamp of Yonsei. It's real.

Bounding down the stairs, you find your mum and brother already seated at the dining table, ready for dinner, "Mum, Mini, look!" You flap the paper in their faces, excitement bubbling within you. Your mum tuts and carefully opens the letter, reading it with precision. You're searching for any sign of a reaction, but nothing surfaces. She simply places it down and checks her phone.

You sit down gingerly, awaiting her acknowledgement, hoping for some form of appreciation, "Hmm, thought so." Clicking the lock on her phone, she sets it aside, "Sorry, Y/N, Minhee has a schedule that day."

"But aren't you happy for me?" You ask, your excitement dampening. It's not just about the ceremony; it's about the achievement itself. She should be proud of you, "I'm at the top of my university."

"Yes, you are, darling," your mum responds, her tone lacking enthusiasm. Normally, it wouldn't bother you, but this is a big deal, huge even, and she couldn't spare you the time of day to at least pretend to be happy for you.

Your heart sinks, and the elation you felt a moment ago dissipates. She really did not care, and the void of her indifference casts a shadow over your significant accomplishment.

Minhee places a comforting hand on your shoulder, sensing your disappointment. "Top of the class, huh? Finally, you get one of your awards in my trophy room." His attempt at humour falls flat in the weight of the moment. Minhee notices your lack of response, withdrawing his hand and sinking into silence, his gaze fixed downward.

“We just can’t go, your brother has an advertisement to film that day, we’ve been planning it for months. You understand.”

You had no choice but to understand.

“Yes, Mum.” The acceptance cuts deep. You've never blamed Minhee for the uneven distribution of favouritism; it wasn't his fault, yet, the sting of yearning for a moment in the spotlight, just once, remains. The chair you rise from screeches against the floor. "I need to go tell my friends about it."

There isn’t a protest from her, so you slip out quietly. Minhee extends a hand toward you, a silent gesture of support, but you don’t bother acknowledging it. The door closes behind you, leaving a trail of unresolved emotions lingering in the air.

In truth, you didn’t want to tell your friends right now, when you tell them you want it to be a happy occasion, not tarnished by your mum's attitude.

How could she be so nonchalant about the fact that you achieved such an award? You weren’t looking for bells and whistles but a simple ‘Well done, Y/N.’ would have sufficed. Was it too much to ask for? You did all this for her, after all.

A deja vu of last week, you push the heavy doors to the Belmore Centre, greeting Miss Barbara before heading to the rink.

The familiar scent of ice and warm rubber infiltrates your nose, offering solace and temporarily numbing the thoughts swirling in your mind. The rink, with its unique aura, never fails to bring you a sense of contentment.

As you take your usual seat, you can't help but notice an unusual absence of the rhythmic sound of skates cutting through the ice. It's just past 8 pm, yet the rink is eerily silent. For a change, it's pure bliss, the absence of the usual hustle and bustle providing an unexpected sanctuary.

Sitting with your head in your hands, you succumb to overthinking. If only you could have skated and achieved something that your mum could be proud of. What would it take?

A tear slips down your cheek, and you're oblivious to the approaching presence.

Sunghoon’s smile is subtle as he takes in your dishevelled appearance. You’re not in your usual jacket, in fact, you look like you've hastily run out of the house as if you were just popping into the shop for milk.

With your hands buried in your head, he hears a sniffle, realizing that you're crying, “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Sunghoon drops his bag and skates as he rushes over to you, concern all over his face.

Shaking your head you just cry harder as your brain screams at you. It is so loud you can’t hear anything else, certainly not the boy sitting next to you.

He rubs your back to calm you down but to no avail. Instead, you cry harder and he doesn’t know what to do. Sunghoon isn’t exactly an expert when it comes to crying girls, “Sweets, stop crying.” Great, Sunghoon, just great, he curses himself, “Umm, no wait, shit, breathe! I’ve heard that works before.” He quickly made the realisation he would never make it as a therapist.

Sunghoon is always so confident and self-assured but right now with you he has no idea how to act.

What he doesn’t realize is that his awkward attempt to console you has genuinely worked. Sunghoon fumbling over his words gives you something to focus on, and hearing him mutter to himself about how awful he is at this makes you laugh. It’s a small laugh but one that breaks through the heaviness of the moment.

Hearing your laughter, Sunghoon whips his head to face you, his hand continuing to rub soothing circles on your back. “What happened, Y/N?” His voice carries a gentle concern, inviting you to share, but you just shake your head, not ready to delve into the details. “Nah, come on. Whatever it is has really upset you. It’s better to talk about it.”

His voice resonates with a soothing calmness, making you feel like you could confide in him about anything.

“I just feel like I'm not good enough and that anything I do will never meet her standards,” you shrug, expressing the weight of self-doubt that has been dragging you down.

“Ah, it’s your mum, right?” His lips purse as he gazes ahead to the rink. The elude to ‘her’ being his only anchor of reasoning.

Your silence serves as confirmation. Sunghoon, all too familiar with the feeling of not being enough, understands your pain. But in this moment, it's not about him. He can only offer superficial advice, “If you live your life based on other's expectations, you’ll never be truly happy.”

“Says the competitive figure skater,” you lightly laugh, a hint of sadness slowly dissipating from your face.

Sunghoon pauses the reassuring circles between your shoulders and sighs, “You got me there.” You were right; who was he to tell you to stop living for other people when that’s all he has ever done since he was 6?

Seeing how his shoulders slump, you worry you might have hit a nerve. “Hey, I didn’t me—”

“Do you want to do something reckless?” The sudden switch from sadness to confidence confuses you, and you gaze at him as if he has two heads. It's remarkable how quickly he pulled himself out of his own thoughts, and you can't help but feel a twinge of envy.

When you don’t respond, he pushes the idea further, “Come on, Sweets. Didn’t have you as the type to say no to a little fun.”

“There's a big difference between reckless and fun, so which is it?” you ask.

“Come and find out.” He smirks, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Suddenly, Sunghoon springs to his feet and yanks you out of your seat, propelling you into whatever scheme he has up his sleeve. As his hand interlocks with yours, a peculiar flutter dances in your stomach.

“Where are we going?” You glance around as he drags you past the rink and into the back rooms. "What’s so fun about plain grey walls and 'Employee of the Month' posters?”

Sunghoon simply rolls his eyes in response to your question.

The next thing you know, you're in a warehouse-like room, surrounded by old skating equipment, acrylite shields you've seen hockey players collide with, and an army of mannequins.

What somehow escapes your notice is the giant red Zamboni that Sunghoon is confidently strolling towards.

Seeing you mesmerized by the mannequins, Sunghoon waits for you to turn around, but you're too engrossed in the plastic figures to notice him. “Looking for your next boyfriend in there?” he teases, his voice slicing through the silence of the room.

Jumping at the unexpected remark, you hastily remove your hand from one of the figures' chests and whip around. Sunghoon leans against the Zamboni, a tilted smirk gracing his face, hands tucked casually in his trouser pockets. Embarrassed, you mumble a quick 'shut up' and shuffle over to him. To be honest, those dummies probably would have offered a more exciting conversation than most men.

Your eyes finally land on the Zamboni. It gleams, proudly bearing the bold inscription 'Zamboni Campbell' on the side. A few years ago, Coach Kim, in a moment of whimsy, had asked people to name the ‘new love in his life’ through a Facebook post. Some 7-year-old had chosen 'Zamboni Campbell.' It might not have been the most clever name, but considering his age, you let it slide.

“Please stop leaning on Zamboni Campbell; she’s a national treasure,” you interject, half-joking. If anything were to happen to her, you imagine Coach Kim might have an aneurysm.

The figure skater scoffs and pushes himself off the machine, “She’s no Zamby Malik.” He jokes, “My baby boy is probably being abused right now.” The comment raises an eyebrow; what is it with some people and their weird fascination for anything with a motor? Your expression remains neutral as Sunghoon looks at you. “Zamby Malik? Albion’s Zamboni? Named after Zayn Malik?” he questions.

“Yeah, got that reference, thanks.” Stepping forward, your eyes meet his. “I have been a Niall worshipper for many, many years,” you say proudly. You’ve been a dedicated fan of Niall and all the One Direction boys forever.

“Eh, more of a Louis girl myself,” Sunghoon shrugs and turns to face the ice resurfacer. “So, how badly have you ever wanted to ride her?” His hands rub together in a way that eerily resembles a villain plotting an evil scheme.

Nope. Absolutely not. You're not getting on that thing. For one, Coach Kim would undoubtedly kill you both if he found out. He loves the Zamboni more than his own children. And two, you have no idea how to operate it. Disaster is inevitable. “I am not getting on that thing!”

Sunghoon gives you a look that says ‘Of course, you are getting on that thing.’ but he can give you all the looks he wants, you are not doing it.

“Sweets, you need to have a go. It’ll help whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours.” Sunghoon's hand playfully ruffles your hair before he strides towards the steps of the Zamboni.

Fixing your hair consciously, you find yourself following him. “How will it help exactly? When I die from crashing it or at the hands of Coach Kim, at least I'll be free of my thoughts?”

Sunghoon spins around, and you walk right into his chest. “I was thinking more along the lines of a clear rink, clear mind, but your reasoning works too, I suppose.” His hands grip your shoulders and push you at arm's length. “So?”

As you weigh up your options, for him, there's only one option – getting you behind the wheel of Zamboni Campbell.

“I don’t know how to drive it though, Sunghoon.” That would surely deter him from this ridiculous idea. But it doesn't.

“Duh,” His eyes rolled once again, “I’ll teach you obviously.”

It’s at that moment you understand that regardless of how long you’ve known him, you don’t actually know him. In fact, you haven’t even had a conversation this long before.

“Since when did you know how to ride a Zamboni?” You inquire and Sunghoon removes his hands from your shoulders, running his fingers through his hair. God, he is so handsome.

“You learn a thing or two being on the ice so long.”

The truth is, he was constantly pestering the maintenance guy at Albion to clean the ice before his practice. He got so fed up hearing Sunghoon complain he told him to do it himself. So he learned, and ever since, he’s been whizzing on a Zamboni.

You are running out of excuses, and part of you is agreeing with him that this will be good for you. “Fine.”

“That’s a girl!” Sunghoon huffs, and you move to walk up the steps, but he stops you, holding up two fingers. “Two things first.”

Removing his long liquorice-colored coat, he gently places it on your shoulders. The warmth lingering from his body heat in the linings of the jacket makes you realize how cold you were. “It gets cold up there,” he says, straightening out the collar.

You push your arms through the holes and wrap yourself up in it. Sunghoon has broad shoulders, so the jacket makes you look ten times smaller than you are, creating a cosy cocoon.

If he knew it was okay to say, he'd probably tell you how cute you look. For now, he keeps that thought to himself.

Murmuring a polite ‘thank you,’ you're grateful he doesn’t ask why you don't have your jacket. Sunghoon hasn’t pushed you to talk about it at all, and that's something you appreciate.

Sunghoon climbs up and gets situated behind the wheel.

“Wait, you said there were two things?” The jacket is one, and what else?

“Ah, there’s only one seat up here so,” he pats his lap, “You’re going to have to sit on my knee.”

He has to be joking, yet his face looks serious, a tinge of red sneaking onto his neck and ears. He’s blushing. The playful challenge in his eyes mixes with genuine warmth. It's clear he wants to make you smile.

Cute.

“I can’t teach you from down there, now come on up.” He continues.

He won’t give up, apparently, so with a huff, you start scaling the steps, standing at the top and realise how high this thing is. Sunghoon puts his hand out for you to take as he guides you to sit down. “This is super high,” you state patently.

Sunghoon laughs and shakes his head, “You’re just small, Sweets.” His hands go to your waist to stabilise you while you hike one leg over him. “That’s it, not so scary, huh?”

Slowly, you sit down on his lap, getting yourself comfortable. You feel his thighs tense under you. “Oh, am I too heavy?”

Quickly, he shakes his head, “No, not at all, I’ve got legs of steel.” He slaps the side of his thigh and relaxes them a little. Sunghoon won’t say it, but the way you wriggled to get comfy was putting pressure straight on his cock, making him tense up. It would be rude to pop a boner right now no matter how good you feel, given the circumstances.

“So what do I do?”

“Hmm?” He was too busy lost in his thoughts he forgot what he was doing. “Oh, right,” he turns on the machine and guides you through the steps. “So there are six levers, each does their own thing—conditioner, elevation, brush, tyre wash, wash water,” he continues going through the controls.

While he’s explaining, you observe how fast his lips are moving. Is he always this talkative, or is it just with you? A part of you hopes for the latter. “And we are good to go.” He finishes and smiles. You probably should have paid attention because now he’s looking at you expectantly. “You didn’t listen to a word I just said, did you?”

“Something about water being washed?” you bring your shoulders up sheepishly and smile, showing all your teeth.

The look on his face feigns annoyance, “How about I drive and you sit there and look pretty, yeah?”

Pretty. That’s the second time he's inadvertently called you pretty.

Sunghoon reaches his arm around you, starting the machine up and driving it onto the rink, his other hand is holding you securely in his lap. The ice resurfacer is in full swing as it sweeps the edges of the rink. You haven’t seen the rink from this angle before and it brings forth a new appreciation.

“Gonna need you to pump for me.”

It takes you a minute to process his words before craning your neck around to look at him, “Excuse me?” You have no idea in what context that sentence couldn’t be laced with innuendo.

He seems unphased, or maybe just unaware of his words double entendre, and points to the right of the machine, “This Zam has a manual wash water lever, you need to pump it for me, Sweets, I can’t reach it with you on my lap.”

Can he please stop saying pump for all that is holy?

You screw your head back on and see the black lever he is talking about, “This one?”

His one hand on your hip squeezes slightly when you reach over, “Yeah just lift it up and down, it might be heavy for you so be careful.”

Sunghoon watches you pump the water washer a few times, you use both hands to grasp the lever so he tightens his hold on your waist to ensure your safety. After he has focused on the task at hand he notices the way your hands are gripped around the lever, your fingers barely able to wrap around it. He can’t stop the next thoughts that come into his head. What he wouldn’t give to have you stroking his cock with those pretty hands.

The next thing he notices is how you’re softly grunting as you put the work in and your arms losing pace due to repetition and tiredness. The scene in front of him isn’t calming his thoughts down any because now he’s thinking if these noises are similar to ones you would make while bouncing on his dick. He feels like a pervert because here you are upset and he’s got crude thoughts of you infiltrating his mind.

“That’s enough for now, Sweets.” His voice is strained, he could have watched you do that for hours but for the sake of the ice and his dignity, he needs you to stop.

Pulling away and shuffling back to comfort on his lap you smile, “That was weirdly fun. It got some frustration out of me.”

It’s ironic because frustration has seeped into Sunghoon, horny frustration, and you are so blissfully unaware.

“Wow, look how sparkly it is!” You exclaim as your eyes are glued to the ice behind you. Maybe only once have you seen the rink so clean, but even then it wasn’t like this, it’s practically glistening. Zamboni Campbell needs to pat herself on the back.

The boy steering her also needs to praise himself not just for the excellent resurfacing job, but also for helping you. It’s not until now you see that his plan worked, he got you out of your head and stopped the crippling thoughts that were bound to consume you if you didn’t have this distraction.

Both of you lap the rink 4 times before Sunghoon looks at his handy work and smiles, “She drives like a dream.” He steers back into the warehouse, trying to park the Zamboni close enough to where they found it.

“Better than Zamby Malik?” You tease.

“Never, but she’s not far off.” Sunghoon doesn’t let go of the hold he has on your waist despite the ice resurfacer being stagnant. Instead, he’s slightly massaging your sides, an action you can barely feel because of his coat engulfing your body, but you feel it enough.

Turning around so your legs are draped fully over his thighs, you're about to get off him, but you don't. You should stand up, climb down the steps, and leave it as a nice memory, but this future memory feels too short like there should be something more to it.

Sunghoon feels it too, that’s why he’s staring at you so intensely. The once shallow smile he had on his face now dropped off; his eyes are looking deep into yours, and his hands move up your waist slightly, yet he doesn’t make a move.

This has to be your decision. Something you want.

If there was ever an inappropriate time to think about your brother, it’s when you’re two seconds away from kissing a guy. Minhee’s face flashes in your mind, and you realize what you’re about to do - you’re about to kiss Minhee’s biggest rival, his arch-nemesis, how could you even face your brother if you gave in to this?

Sunghoon watches you while your brain flips out; you don’t look like you’re 100% certain of the idea of his lips on yours. “Sweets?” he squeezes your waist and sighs, “We should get going.”

Oh.

All you’re thinking about is why he didn’t kiss you, and why it hurt a little that he didn’t. It looked like he wanted to; maybe you took too long, or he stared long enough to realize you weren’t actually pretty. You guys don't even know each other well, but you feel yourself being pulled towards him. Wasn’t it the same for him? Your brain went from overthinking one thing to another.

Nodding your head, you stand up carefully and make your way down. You can’t even look at him out of shame and guilt for even entertaining the idea of kissing him. Your mum would be so disappointed if she knew.

Sunghoon follows you down but unlike you he is keeping his eyes fixed on your face, focusing on every change in your manner both positive and negative. He wanted to kiss you but you looked like you were about to pass out from the thought of it. Sunghoon wanted you to be certain, “I’ll drive you home.”

“No, no it’s fine, I’m not that far from here.” Being in a car with him after this wouldn’t be the best outcome, your mind is still on his lips.

“Please, Y/N, it’s late. I just want to make sure you’re safe. Anything could happen.” Sunghoon doesn’t want you to walk home, yes because of safety concerns, but also because he wants to spend even a fraction of a minute more time with you. You seem to be one of the few people in this world he can relax around.

He should have just kissed you.

The look on his face is serious but his eyes are soft, not asking but begging you to just say yes.

“Sure.” The atmosphere is heavy, filled with longing and tension. You’re both thinking different things.

You’re analysing every specific detail from tonight to see if you have done something wrong, anything that would have stopped him from kissing you.

And Sunghoon’s brain is filled with various thoughts of you from tonight. The lever, the way you felt so right sitting in his lap, and more importantly how amazing it felt to be the one that made you smile. The way you smiled and giggled on the Zamboni is something he is going to commit to memory.

As of today, he will start keeping part of his brain solely for you to occupy.

The walk to Sunghoon's car is silent, free of the laughter and conversation that previously filled your space. Both of you appear to be over-analysing each other's previous acts, which makes the situation more awkward than it needs to be.

Sunghoon's car is impressive: a sleek monochrome Peugeot New 2008 with a black interior. The scent of his fresh cologne combines with the ocean-scented tree-shaped air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror.

“This is a nice car.” You note, buckling up your seatbelt.

“She’s a beaut, isn’t she? Got her as part of a brand deal with Peugeot Sport.” His hands caress the smooth wheel and his lips upturn into a proud smile. Brand deals and advertisements are not what you want to hear about right now, especially when it’s the one thing your mum cared about instead of your award. Your sour mood doesn’t go unnoticed, “Let’s get you home, yeah?”

That was the one place you didn’t really want to be right now but you nod, shoulders slumped a little at the thought of facing your mum again.

“Or,” Sunghoon starts, “We could get some food? The University Cafe is always open late.”

It was like he could read your mind, “Yeah, I could eat.”

With that, Sunghoon starts the car and drives to the cafe. The way your face turned a little paler when he said he would take you home alarmed him. He doesn’t think you’re in danger there, Minhee might be a dick but he was protective over you, he wouldn’t let anything happen, and Sunghoon knew that. Whatever it is, you didn’t want to go home, and Sunghoon is more than willing to keep you to himself for a couple more hours.

The journey to the cafe, situated more on his side of town, unfolds in silence, only disrupted by the gentle strains of Hozier's "Like Real People Do" emanating from the radio. A wry smile tugs at Sunghoon's lips, finding the song's relevance a touch on the nose for the current situation.

Upon arriving at the cafe, you're taken aback by its shabby appearance - chipped walls, adjacent graffiti, not to mention it’s deserted. Sunghoon, attuned to your hesitance, reassures you, “It’s a lot nicer than it looks, promise. I’ve been coming here forever.” Stepping out of the car, he leaves you with the choice of venturing into the weathered establishment or remaining in the safety of the car. Despite your reservations, a rumble from your stomach nudges you to join him inside.

The interior mirrors the exterior's wear and tear, yet a certain comfort envelops the air as Sunghoon guides you with a reassuring hand on the small of your back. “Sit anywhere you like, Sweets.”

Opting for a seat by the back window, you settle into the firm, brown booth without ridding yourself of Sunghoon's coat, a silent acknowledgement that your stay may be short-lived. You aren’t a snob but you have a cafe like this in your side of town and it isn’t somewhere you choose to occupy.

Noticing your scrutiny of the surroundings, Sunghoon, with a laugh, takes a seat across from you, studying your expression, "You don’t like it, huh?"

Huffing, you cast a critical eye around the place, "Not really, no."

You were brutally honest, he’ll give you that, “Wait until you try their food and then judge okay?” He chuckles and hands you the menu on the table.

A waitress waltzes over with a pen and paper. She’s too beautiful for a place like this, her rosy cheeks and long flowing brown hair make you jealous, “Sunghoon! My favourite ice slasher, how is it going?”

While they engage in small talk you look at the menu looking for something safe to eat. Maybe you should just wait for Sunghoon to order and get the same thing.

“Y/N, you know what you want?” He turns to you.

“Oh, so you’re the Y/N?” the waitress grins.

What does that mean? How does she know your name? When you glance at Sunghoon, you notice his intense stare fixed on the girl. This is strange. The waitress seems to pick up on Sunghoon's unspoken communication, smirking as she says, "I mean, you're Kang Minhee's sister, right?" She then slowly turns her attention to you.

Ah, that's how she knew. He must have spoken ill of Minhee and you enough times for her to recognize you. Fueled by this assumption, you shift into defence mode. "Yeah, I am," you reply sharply, your expression hardening as you lean back, raising your eyebrows and waiting for her response, half-expecting her to be rude to you.

Strangely, the waitress's expression brightens. "It's nice to meet you, Y/N. Can I get you anything?" Her voice carries genuine warmth.

Now you feel a bit guilty. She seems genuinely nice.

"Uh," you glance at the menu again, uncertain of what to order. "What's good?"

Sunghoon intervenes with a smile. "She'll take my usual," he tells the waitress as she departs. Ordinarily, you dislike when men presume to order for you, but in this instance, you're grateful for the assistance. "It's just a plain cheese and ham panini with tomato, pesto, and hot sauce. It sounds simple, but it's delicious."

You expected Sunghoon to be a burger and fries kind of guy, but with his physique and strict regimen, you should have known his tastes would lean towards the healthier side of things.

“Did you order a drink with this ‘usual’ or am I supposed to just swallow it dry?”

“Comes with diet coke and a lime.” He says timidly, now for the first time he is self-conscious about his food choice. Sunghoon would like nothing more than to chomp into a pizza and a full-fat Pepsi but with National’s coming up at the end of the year, he needs to stick somewhat to his meal plan. In hindsight, he should have ordered you something you might have liked. What did you like? He didn’t even know that simple fact, “Do you want something else? I can change it.”

“No it’s okay, I’ll trust your judgment,” You relax into the booth, “Shoot me if i’m being too straight forward but don’t you have enough money to go like, I don’t know, somewhere nicer than this?”

Raising his hands in a gun motion he pretends to shoot you and you fake a wound in your shoulder. It’s nice to be playful like this, Sunghoon hasn’t had this for a long time, “You know how to ask a question, Sweets.”

He then shrugs and looks around the cafe, not unlike how you were doing earlier but his eyes aren’t filled with distaste; they’re shining in fondness.

“It’s where my dad would take me after practices. Mum would never let me come here once I started aiming for professional level, too much grease and too many carbs.” He recalls a time his mum had him on a diet at 11 because he wasn’t flying high enough and a frown appeared on his face, “My dad though, he wanted me to be at least somewhat a normal kid so every Wednesday when mum worked late we would come here. Eat whatever we want and then pop a breath mint in the car.”

Sunghoon’s features are mixed with hurt and fondness, “Sorry, about your dad.” You offer your condolences.

When Sunghoon was 15 his dad died of a heart attack right before the Junior Championships and it broke him to the point he didn’t want to skate anymore, it wasn’t fun because his dad was always the one to cheer him on. His parents had their roles, his mum was strict and direct, getting him to train hard and achieve his best. And his dad was the reliever, encouraging him to have fun and let loose, be a kid. With one half of the balance scales gone, it was difficult for Sunghoon to maintain any adolescent normality. Perhaps that’s why he’s so fond to have you around.

In the silence you speak up, “You know your dad used to sneak me a packet of Haribos nearly every competition.” The boy's head whips to look at you and tilts, a knowing look on his face, “Yeah, and every time he would say ‘With everything so sour, we deserve something sweet’.” You smile at the thought.

“I-, he was kind like that.” He wants to say more, but he stops himself.

His dad was the nicest man in the whole world. When you found out the news that he passed away, you cried a little. Your mum being your mum she didn’t understand it, claimed you didn’t know him enough to mourn. Regardless of how well you knew him, people who were so kind and loving don’t deserve to be taken from this world so quickly.

You see the look on Sunghoon’s face lighten up a little, the shadow over his eyes washing away and when he looked at you, the sparkle came back, “So, you can’t hate this place or else I can pull the dead dad took me here card.”

“Fine. I love it.” The words feign mocking when in actuality they are full of understanding.

The waitress from earlier brings over the drinks in a frosted glass with a lime wedge on the rim, “There you go! Added extra ice for my Ice Prince.”

My. She could have said ‘The’.

It stirred up something within your chest. Jealousy? Okay but why are you getting jealous over this? You don’t know because you aren’t exactly his and you have never been the threatened type, so you don’t know what’s going on with you.

“Food will be right out!” She hops away and she is back in a flash with the Paninis.

What you don’t expect is Sunghoon to take both of them and add some condiments, opening up the middle to pour a slight bit of salt and some mayonnaise.

“Excuse me, I don't need your hands all over my food.” Crossing your arms you wait for him to stop but he doesn’t. Instead, he shows you his hands, stretching them over the table.

“Look how clean they are, Sweets.” They are clean and oh-so pretty. Suddenly you’re jealous of the food that receives his touch, wishing it was you. You need to get a grip, first the waitress, and now a piece of toasted bread are the objects of your envy.

It’s like your crush from when you were little came back tenfold, with every second you spend with him that little innocent pash is turning into full blown infatuation. Now with added hormones, it’s like you’re drawn to him more than ever. It’s scary how quickly you fell back into your feelings, whatever they were.

“Y/N?” He brings you back to reality with his low voice, retreating his hand, “Lost you for a minute there.”

Passing you the food you thank him, “Sorry, happens a lot. I tend to overthink literally everything.” It’s a confession you haven’t let pass your lips. Not ever. “I learned to control it as I got older but if I’m upset I can’t stop it 99% of the time, even if it’s something simple like putting salt on this food.”

Sunghoon sees you physically overthinking what you just said. It’s the exact same face you made when you were inches from kissing him.

He understands the situation earlier a little better now.

“So what’s upsetting you now, Sweets?” He asks, “You said you didn’t feel good enough, what happened?”

Shuddering, you remember your words. You’re embarrassed that you blurted out your feelings so readily, “It’s nothing.” Then you remember, “Why did you think it was my mum?”

“If your mum is anything like mine, and I guarantee she is, then I don’t ‘think’ it was your mum, I know it.” There’s an empathy shining in his eyes, “What did she do?”

“I got some good news, and when I told her about it,” Sighing, you try to aggregate your feelings. Sunghoon’s hand makes contact with your forearm as he sees you struggle. The soothing motion of his thumb calms you instantly, “she just dismissed it. Like my achievement wasn’t up to par with Mini’s.”

“What was the good news?”

“Nothing major I guess. I’m the top student at my University for the year and I’m receiving an award.”

Sunghoon is furious. Your mum had downplayed your achievement and now you don’t think it’s a big deal and he wasn’t having it, “Y/N. You go to Yonsei, right?” Once you nod he continues, “Then that IS major, what are you talking about?”

“It’s not exactly a Championship medal.” Your shoulders slump.

“And?” Squeezing your arm he tries to make you see past your mother and her shitty attitude, “Some people would think your achievement means more than one of his, does that make Minhee’s less than yours?” You mumble a quick ‘of course not’, not grasping what he’s saying, “Then why do you think that way about your award? Sweets, it’s fucking amazing you should be proud of yourself.”

You are, it’s your mum who isn’t and that’s what you can’t get over.

Instead of answering back you avoid the conversation altogether and start eating the food in front of you.

One bite has you falling in love with the taste, the pesto combination with the cheese and parma ham melts in your mouth and makes your tongue dance. You owe this shabby place an apology.

Triumph etches onto Sunghoon’s face as he sees the same fireworks behind your eyes that he had when he first tried the food. He knew you’d like it.

“Oh, my days.” You stare at him wide-eyed, one hand covering your mouth. Never will you doubt him again.

“Told you.” He smirks and eats some of his own, the familiar aroma and your face make his chest fill with glee and gratification, “I’ve just learned two things about you in this last minute.”

“And what’s that?” You question, taking another bite.

“You love the food here and will never question my taste again,” Your eyes are still on the food but you nod to agree, “And you’re an avoider.”

What is that supposed to mean?

“An avoider?”

Sunghoon leans back and picks up a tissue, cleaning the crumbs from his fingers, “You changed the topic pretty fast when you didn’t want to have a conversation you’re uncomfortable with. You can’t accept what I’m saying is right, your achievement is just as mighty as all of Minhee’s and it IS a big deal.”

Arguing with him about it is pointless. Does it mean you won’t though? No.

“It’s not that I'm not accepting what you’re saying,” it is, he thinks to himself, “I just don’t need to air my drama or feelings to someone I don’t know.”

“Believe it or not, asking questions and having conversations like this is how you get to know people,” Sunghoon pushed the food to the side and leaned forward, “I just want to get to know you.”

You challenge him by matching his posture and leaning on the table, “Whatever happened to, oh I don’t know, what’s your favourite colour?”

“White. See, easy right?” He’s smug. Sunghoon isn’t trying to pressure you to answer the question, he just thinks if you speak about the issue, it’ll alleviate the burden. A problem shared is a problem halved after all. “How about you ask me anything at all, and I’ll answer it because I know that’s how you get to know me.”

“Anything at all?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why didn’t you kiss me earlier?”

Stunned. Shocked. Astounded. Whatever other synonym he could use, that’s exactly how he feels right now. For the first time in his life, he is speechless. How do you keep doing this to him? Never has anyone been so forthright with him.

Seeing his cheeks flush red and eyes dart around as if finding the answer in his brain you know you’ve won, “Not so eager to speak now, huh?”

Exhaling, Sunghoon sits back, “You looked like you were going to pass out,” He begins his answer, “You got in your head about something and it made you second guess.”

“I was thinking about Minhee.”

Sunghoon’s face shrivels, “Sweets, I know we’re compared a lot but I didn’t think he’d be my competition with you too?” Sunghoon’s voice is playful but he is worried about the next words out your lips.

Stretching over the table you slap his chest, “Ew, no that’s disgusting! Don’t even think like that!” You’re appalled at even the inclination, “It’s just that, you’re Park Sunghoon, you said it yourself he’s your competition,” He goes to say something and you stop him, “in SKATING. You’re so disgusting.” Laughter fills your booth, food and drinks forgotten, “If I ever kissed you he would freak the fuck out.”

The boy across from you knows exactly what you’re talking about, more than know, “If Minhee wasn’t a factor, would you have kissed me back?”

“Yes.”

Responding before your brain has a chance to filter the words is also a downside to your overthinking mind. So many thoughts in one brain make it easier for slips like this to happen, but you aren’t too concerned about this one, he probably already knew you would have kissed him back there if you weren’t preoccupied with contemplation.

Just as you think you’ll get to speak about what transpired earlier, the waitress comes over to take your plates away, “All done?”

Sunghoon nods and goes to pull out his wallet to pay but as he pats himself down to find it, he remembers it’s in his coat - the coat you’re still wearing “Uh, Sweets?” He points to his coat trying to tell you it’s in there.

Smirking you search the inner pockets to find a Prada wallet. You could have some fun with this.

“That’s okay, Hoonie, I’ve got it.” You pull out a few £20 notes and hand them to the waitress, “It’s my treat tonight, didn’t I tell you that? Only the best for my hard-working man.” Making kissy faces at him, his face goes red and his lips go in a thin line.

It wasn’t the fact you just paid £80 for a £12 meal with his money, although that will be addressed later on, it was the nickname and calling him your man that has him trying to control himself. The sweet albeit lightheartedly jeering way of your words made his heart tight in the best possible way. If there was a button board on Sunghoon’s chest, filled with all his emotions like annoyance, lust, happiness, solace, and aggravation, you had pushed every one of them tonight.

Laughing you put the wallet back into his coat. He looks so cute when he goes red like that, it almost makes you want to treat him like an actual princess or stuff him in your pocket. Either way, you wanted to look after him in some form or other.

“Are you quite done now?” Sunghoon gains back his composure as he watches you chuckling away to yourself.

Suddenly, nothing was funny anymore when your phone goes off, flashing your brother's name on the screen.

You have to go home and Sunghoon knows it too, “Y/N, I would keep you out all night if I could, but Minhee might send out a missing police report if I do.”

Now that you’ve somewhat spoken the issue out loud, you think you’re being a bit over the top about it all but your body still has the overbearing weight placed on your shoulders. Facing your mum right now was the last thing you wanted but you know you can’t avoid her forever.

“I’ll text him. He thinks I’m at Rina’s place telling her and Allen the news.” Quickly standing up you type a generic reply back, telling him you’ll be home soon.

Sunghoon keeps two steps behind you while you walk out of the cafe, his arm hovering by your side to guide you as you text and walk at the same time, he waves goodbye to the waitress and she wafts the cash in her face, fanning herself with his hard-earned money. All he can do is laugh and show his disbelief at her flaunting through his expression.

“There. Sent.” You put the phone into Sunghoon’s coat pocket. You’re almost at his car when you hear him speak up.

“Hey, Sweets?”

“Hmm?”

Sunghoon grabs your left arm, twirls you around, and presses his lips against yours.

The action knocks the air from your lungs and your eyes widen. Park Sunghoon was kissing you. His palms cup each of your cheeks, his lips moving against yours as he backs you up until your back hits the side of his car. This is what you wanted back at the rink, to have the feeling of his mouth moulding to yours, except it was better than expected, it felt like heaven.

He can't seem to get enough of you as he fervently kisses your mouth, his tongue sliding along your lips, eliciting a soft moan from you that's music to his ears. It was a daring move to kiss you so suddenly, and in an ideal world, he would have asked for permission first. But he knows that might have sparked another bout of overthinking from you, and he couldn't risk losing this second chance to kiss you tonight.

Sliding his hands into your hair, he gently pulls your head back, granting him better access to your open mouth, deepening the kiss. Lost in the sensation of your lips, he doesn't even notice the subtle movement of your fingers dancing along his waist until they settle between his lower back and the top of his ass.

At this moment, nothing could stop you from kissing or touching him.

Except, perhaps, one person.

Your phone vibrates, indicating an incoming call, but you're too entranced by Sunghoon's lips and tongue to notice. Pressing his body against yours, he traps you between him and the car, the sensation of his hips against yours causing you to instinctively grind against him, using your hands to pull him closer.

However, in the intimate closeness, he can feel your phone vibrating against your body. As much as he wants to ignore it, he knows you can't. "Sweets, your phone," he murmurs between kisses, his hands dropping from your hair to reach into your pocket, even as your lips continue to chase after his. "It's Minhee; you better take it."

No way has he cock blocked you twice in one night.

Grumbling, you take the phone from Sunghoon and answer, “Hi Minhee…No, I wasn’t ignoring you, I was putting on my shoes…no no, you don’t need to pi-”

You pause mid-sentence when Sunghoon starts kissing your neck and squeezing your waist. What does he think he's doing? Glancing down, you catch his eyes sneakily looking up at you. Attempting to push him away only results in him biting down, his fangs teasing the verge of breaking skin. In any other situation, you might have found it hot, but with Minhee yapping in your ear, you don't have time to appreciate it.

“Look, I’m on my way home…I’ll walk, it's not that far…seriously, Minhee- Oh,” you moan involuntarily when Sunghoon kisses your sweet spot, and once he's found it, he doesn’t stop licking and nibbling, “Hoonie, stop it!” You remove the phone from your ear and whisper-shout at him.

“I love it when you call me that,” he smirks, his eyes sparkling mischievously.

Hearing Minhee’s voice come through the phone again, you lift it back up to your ear, “What? Oh, I stubbed my toe, look I’ll be home soon alright…Yes, Allen is here…you know he and Rina are together. I’m going to go, see you soon.” Hanging up, you sigh in exasperation.

Giving Sunghoon a few light whacks, you demand, “Why did you do that?” You're almost certain Minhee heard him, or at least now he might think you're hooking up with Allen.

Bringing his face back up to yours, Sunghoon just shrugs and kisses you again with as much fervour as before. His lips are addicting, and you don’t want to stop, but Rina lives 20 minutes from your house if you walk, and this cafe is at least a 30-minute drive. “Sunghoon, I need to go back,” you say between his insistent kisses.

“How long do I have?” He needs to know how long he can indulge in this before having to let you go.

“Not even a second. I’ll already be late even if we leave now.” When his forehead falls on yours you see the pain on his face, like you’re depriving him of a basic human need.

"Don't say that, tell your friend to phone and say you're staying with her tonight." Sunghoon can't stop his lips from capturing yours again. It's as if he's had a taste of you and doesn't want to give it up, especially now. His hand teases the waist of your trousers, tempting to dip in and touch you where you desperately need him.

Personally, you would love nothing more than to call Rina up and get her to lie, she would do it in a heartbeat but Minhee would never believe it, “I can’t. I never stay over when he has practice in the morning. Mum never wants to make a stop off to pick me up.”

“You’re killing me here.” He states breathlessly, his fingertips dancing down to your pussy as he ghosts your neck with his breath. He’s waiting on you to give him the green light but you are far too concerned about getting home.

He suddenly hates your mum a little more than before. If it wasn’t her dismissing your accomplishments, it was her inability to put you on her priority list, “Can’t you just skip his practice? He’ll have more, trust me he needs it.”

“Don’t ruin this.” You warn him from speaking any more about your brother. It does bring you back to reality just who you were kissing, but you can’t focus on that right now, your only concern is getting home.

Sunghoon apologises by kissing you again, this time more gently, like it came naturally to him, “I need to go home. No excuses.”

It isn't what he wants to hear, but he has to accept it. Stepping away from you, his gaze remains fixed on your lips, which are lush and swollen; he can only picture what they would look like if he had more time to toss you in the back seat. His mind immediately returns to you with the lever, and to be honest, he could throw a tantrum right now over the situation at hand. It was unjust that he couldn't just have you, and he wasn't sure if he'd ever get the chance again.

Moving to his side of the car he slides in and you follow suit. He uses the excuse of buckling your seatbelt for you to give you another kiss and it has you internally giggling and kicking your feet.

You do the same to him, grabbing the seatbelt from him and clipping him in, leaning over to press your lips against his soft ones.

“All I need is 5 minutes,” He whispers against your lips and you laugh, swatting his chest.

You can’t say you don’t ponder it, and when you see his hard on poking so slightly against his trousers, you look at the time and really wonder if you could, but you can’t risk Minhee even getting a whiff of this, “Next time.”

Sunghoon's eyes change from desire to hope in real time, "There'll be a next time?" His cool and confident demeanour fades and is replaced with puppy-like grin as he realises you want more than what you had tonight.

“If you get me home in the next 25 minutes there can be.” You pose and with that, Sunghoon drives out of the car park and down the highway going 10 above the limit.

Reaching closer to your house you put a hand on his thigh as you speak, “Better to drop me off here, so Mini doesn’t see you.” You also have to fake that you walked home from Rina’s so if a big fancy car starts pulling up outside your house, he’s going to know something is up.

Sunghoon takes your hand on his thigh and brings it to his lips, maintaining eye contact with the road as he stops at the curb of your neighbour's house 2 doors down. His grip tightens on your hand as he looks at the time, “Got you here in 27 minutes, Sweets.” Proud of himself he adorns a smile that splits his face in half.

Tutting you pout at him, “I guess there can’t be a next time, so sorry Hoonie.” His stunned face was worth holding in your laugh to act like you’re serious, “If only you had gotten here 2 minutes quicker.”

“Come on,” He exasperated, “There were like 10 red lights in a row.” His thumb points back to where you just drove from.

It’s true, it was bad luck, but you liked playing with him like this.

“Sorry, see you at the rink yeah?” You unbuckle your seatbelt and turn to get out your side of the car, but Sunghoon isn’t letting it end here.

He stretches over to shut the door back over making you gasp, startled by the sudden move, “You don’t want to be a thief do you?” You think he’s going to hit out with something cheesy like how you stole his heart of something, but when his hand grips the coat you’re wearing you understand what he means, “Bad enough you gave my money away but now you’re trying to steal a £500 coat?”

Perplexed by both the price and the unexpected accusation, your mouth hangs open. No wonder the coat is so cosy and warm—it costs most of your month's paycheck. Exiting the car, you impishly mutter a 'fine' as you remove the jacket, placing it on the passenger seat before walking away, feeling considerably colder than before.

Just as you reach the vicinity of your house, Sunghoon calls out, "Sweets?" You spin around to see him jogging up behind you, holding your phone. Ah, you put it in his coat pocket after Minhee's call. Taking it from his grip, you thank him, only to be surprised again when he says, "You also forgot this." What else did you even have on your person to forget?

Sunghoon's mouth quickly meets yours for the nth time tonight. A kiss. You forgot to kiss him.

Sighing, you realize you have to put an end to it. Lingering out in the open so close to your home practically guarantees Minhee will see. "Hoonie."

"Shh," he hushes you, continuing the kiss, "I know, but let me have it since there won't be a next time." A fake sad look takes over his face, his hands running up and down your sides.

"Ugh fine, since you gave me my phone I suppose I could spare you some time." Crossing your arms, you act irritated, while his 'sadness' transforms into a self-satisfied smile. That was the dynamic between you both, always giving what you got, and you wanted to explore it more, no matter how difficult it was.

“See you at the rink then, Sweets.” Messing up your hair he skips back to his car like a kid on Christmas. He was the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.

Spending these past few hours with Sunghoon was like nothing you had ever experienced before. He knew how to wash all of your worries and woes away better than some people you’ve known for years. And when he kissed you it sent shooting stars through your body. If only 8-year-old you could see what had just happened, she would burst with excitement.

With a smile on your face, you rapidly run into your house and up the stairs, trying to be quiet but also too lost in the dizziness from Sunghoon’s kisses. As you reach the top of the stairs, Minhee opens his door and gives you a quizzical look. Oh no, he didn’t see, did he?

“Why do you look like you won the lottery?” Phew, he hadn’t.

“Just, excited about getting the award, that’s all.” It wasn’t totally a lie, he would see right through you if you started to babble out any other excuse so you had to stick to something believable. You are happy about the award, there isn’t a doubt about it, but Sunghoon reassuring you throughout the night made you stop and acknowledge how happy you really were to receive it. Your mum was the one that ruined it for you.

Minhee follows you when you walk into your room, “Y/N? You know I would be there if I could right?” Facing him, you see how sorry he looks about the situation, “I tried to phone the company to move the filming but they can’t.” Of course, he would try to move it for you, that was the kind of brother he was.

A surge of guilt overcomes your body. Here he was trying to move his schedule around, a big important schedule might you add, and you were out there kissing the one boy you shouldn’t be. If Sunghoon wasn’t such a threat to Minhee, you think they could go back to being somewhat friends, but that’s never going to happen.

“It’s okay, Mini. I know you can’t just cancel it.” Your voice is reassuring but his features still hold hurt.

“It’s not okay, Y/N. You’re the most important thing to me in this world, I want to be there for your big moments like you’ve been there for mine.” You could cry. Minhee wasn’t the type to show his emotions so being on the receiving end of such words makes you tear up a little, “Hey, Bubs, don’t cry.”

He hasn’t called you Bubs in so long, the childhood nickname growing out as you both got older. There was a bond between you and your brother, other siblings used to say how envious they were.

“I don’t want to speak ill of our mum but she was a bitch tonight. I should have said something.”

Shaking your head, you wipe your tears and look down before speaking, “Mini, it wouldn’t have helped.” Your voice cracks and your throat closes a little, “She’s always like that anyway.”

“It doesn’t make it right.” He says disapprovingly.

Minhee pulls you into a tight hug and you instantly relax. Your brain starts to overthink everything again. The lack of proudness from your mother, the kisses from Sunghoon, and the brotherly affection you’re currently receiving. Could you have it all? Getting to know Sunghoon tonight, you don’t think you can leave it where you did. There was something there between you both, you fit together like skates to ice.

“I am so proud of you, Bubs.” Minhee strokes the back of your head, “and I might not be able to go to your ceremony, but when I beat that prick and come first at Nationals? I’m dedicating that to you. I promise you that.”

That prick…Park Sunghoon.

You couldn’t have it all.

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saturnsbabyboii · 1 year

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The Black Moon Lilith in the signs and houses (Our core fear, inner saboteur, healing and transformation)

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Note: I heavily use the work of Laura Walker’s book that I will reference. I used her wording and point of view from the book because she worded better than I could. So don’t come for me with any plagiarism crap. Thank you.

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"power comes from strife"

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Black Moon Lilith operates on unseen levels. It pertains to hidden information, exposes secrets, and brings our core and primary fears to light. Fears from our shadow side cause us to undermine ourselves, and even others. Black Moon Lilith is the lingering feeling that stabs your consciousness and triggers you; If you don't listen to it, you'll grow vicious and paranoid of others and yourself.

My interpretation of the shadow is that it is the home of our primal fear. A fear that has significant power in our lives. It is based on primal, instinctual levels and operates on survival principles. The primary fear is a primary motivator for many of our life decisions.

In the book "The Astrology of the Black Moon: A Guide to Healing the Shadow Side" (Walker, 2011)

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The writer identified the twelve signs and their innate and core fears:

ARIES: fear of unworthiness

Theme: The Shadow of Success

Primary Fear: fear of unworthiness

Self-judgment: how well one performs or measures up

Issues: success; identity; questions about inherent value, self-esteem, and merit

Projection: others‟ success and worthiness are based on what they have attained or accomplished

Goals: to not compare yourself to others; to not measure personal success by anyone else standards, to value yourself as a unique expression of the Creator, therefore, creating self-esteem

Manifestation: The Black Moon in Aries manifests in the intense quest to be valued and feel worthy. However, a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness is in conflict with this quest, often causing beneficial opportunities to be passed up. In life, we are only able to receive what we think we deserve, and when we feel undeserving, we will avoid or reject people, jobs, or options that we feel are too good for us. Self-sabotaging behavior often occurs with the Black Moon in Aries. There can also be a need to prove ones worthiness to others, even in the form of subtle bragging. The Black Moon in Aries staunchly defends itself and rejects anything that does not fall in line with its ideas and beliefs.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Aries, the belief in inherent unworthiness must be faced. Simply by virtue of being born, we are entitled to and worthy of the joys of life. If All is One, then none are less than others. Each of us carries a spark of the Divine - none are excluded. Healing occurs when we are able to see ourselves as successful and worthy because we are a child of the Universe. When we recognize this, we understand that all other gauges are external and superficial. By holding ourselves in high regard, we naturally align with our highest and best.

Examine where you have settled for less than you wished.

Ask yourself what you would do if somehow, magically, a wand was waved and you were deemed worthy. Strive to connect with this vision.

Ask yourself how much the appearance of success plays in your life.

Ask yourself what you are always trying to win. When you discover the answer, decide if you really want it. Is it worth the effort? By practicing the awareness that you do not have to be the best in every situation, you will come to a natural state of internal balance.

Black Moon in Aries: Johnny Cash, Kurt Cobain, Albert Einstein, Elizabeth I, Mahatma Gandhi, Michael Jackson, Prince, Vladimir Lenin, Mary Queen of Scots, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Mark Zuckerberg

Black Moon in the 1st House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are deeply related to how we feel about ourselves. The shadow side is ingrained in how we use our personal energy, what motivates us and our sense of overall wellbeing. Personal appearance or the way we appear to others is often a major concern. If the shadow is heavily in control, our behavior patterns will strongly reflect it. This placement of the Black Moon is intensely personal and our shadow issues will have a dramatic impact on our lives.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is the vast amount of personal energy at our disposal. This level of energy can produce fantastic healers and immensely creative individuals. We can accomplish monumental feats and have an uncanny ability to turn “negatives” into “positives.”

TAURUS: fear of scarcity

Theme: The Shadow of Security

Primary Fear: fear of scarcity

Self-judgment: how secure/safe one is by the level of comfort

Issues: having enough to feel safe; compulsive consumption; insecurities

Projection: the tendency to criticize others for being lazy, irresponsible (especially with money), or unconventional

Goals: to not fill the void with “things,” to stretch beyond your comfort zone

Manifestation: With Black Moon in Taurus, the more we have, the more comfortable we feel. In turn, the more comfortable we feel, the safer we think we are. With this placement, there is an intense need to feel comfortable because there is a generalized feeling of being unsafe in the world. The Black Moon in Taurus manifests in an almost insatiable desire to consume and accumulate possessions, money, or anything that makes us feel safe and secure. However, no matter how much we acquire, it will never be enough because the void that we are trying to fill cannot be filled in this way. It may be filled momentarily, but the core feeling of insecurity will soon return. Oftentimes, the end result of this constant attempt to satisfy the fear of not having enough is the accumulation of debt, weight, or responsibilities – usually the exact things we are trying to avoid. With this placement of the Black Moon, there is an intense need to feel satisfied. Insecurities are held very deeply and there is tremendous fear of others knowing those insecurities.

Healing and Transcending:

The belief that the world is unsafe must be confronted. Integrating the idea that we have all that we need inside is what heals this shadow. When we build on who we really are inside, we no longer need to accumulate possessions to feel secure. When we accept that all is going according to a divine plan, we no longer need to fear the events of the world. No matter what, each of us always returns to our Source. This is the security that Black Moon in Taurus seeks.

Cut back on whatever is filling the void. This will bring immediate discomfort and it will leave you with time on your hands. It is important to learn how to “not do” – to become comfortable with stillness. The next time you feel the need to take on more, buy more, or eat more, go and sit by yourself and put on some music, read, practice yoga or throttle down in some way. By practicing being still when you are most uncomfortable, you will be feeding your inner world and requiring less from the outer world.

Black Moon in Taurus: J.S. Bach, Patsy Cline, Howard Hughes, Abraham Lincoln, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Wilhelm Reich, Henry David Thoreau, Vincent van Gogh, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Lana Del Rey, Bruce Lee, Celine Dion, Joseph Stalin

Black Moon in the 2nd House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are deeply related to how secure we feel. Financial considerations seem to plague us. The shadow side blurs the lines between emotional needs and material/financial needs; attitudes toward partners can hinge on security issues. The shadow side is ingrained in our value systems, which can at times seem at odds with our behavior.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is the generous, comfortable feeling we engender in others, resulting in many meaningful, lasting interpersonal relationships. People truly enjoy being with us, finding us not only charming but disarming.

GEMINI: fear of rejection

Theme: The Shadow of Acceptance

Primary Fear: fear of rejection

Self-judgment: how one compares to others

Issues: whether others approve or disapprove

Projection: labeling others as selfish; distaste for people who fail to do “the right thing”

Goals: to not care if people like or want you, to not compare yourself to others, to express your individuality

Manifestation:

Those with the Black Moon in Gemini are morbidly afraid of rejection. They are people pleasers, which often leaves them wondering “what it is we ourselves like and dislike”. This shadow manifests as a need to make decisions or act in accordance with whatever gains acceptance from others. It is damaging to the soul to pursue a life that others wish for us, as it comes at the expense of the expression of individual talents. Actions based on or motivated by another leads to a suppression of the true self. It is a great disservice not to explore who we really are. It is also dangerous to “over-do” for others in hopes that they will like us; ultimately it leads to burn out. At the other end of the spectrum, this placement causes sudden and severe reactions to anything that hints at potential rejection, often causing serious challenges with relationships because we will reject someone before they can reject us. The Black Moon in Gemini will bail out too early or stay way too long.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Gemini, it is necessary to face the need for others‟ approval. Each of us has something special to offer the world. What is important is not if others approve of us, but if we approve of ourselves. That sounds very cliché, but with Black Moon in Gemini we need to provide our own approval. When you are able to consciously put yourself on the line to be rejected, intending that the outcome will not hinder your spirit, you will have regained the power that is trapped in the shadow side. When the shadow is healed, rejection ceases to be an issue because inner acceptance has been achieved - creating a wealth of talent that is available to the world.

Examine where you are not being self-“ish” or operating from your true self.

When making decisions and planning your time and resources, ask yourself who you are doing it for. The answer should always be “for myself – for my highest and best which in turn serves the highest and best of everyone.” This doesn‟t mean you are supposed to forget about others; it means that you put yourself into the equation. Healing this shadow requires vigilant monitoring of your time, energy, and money and how you spend them. It will quickly become apparent when your energy is scattered and whose approval you are seeking. By practicing making little decisions based on your own needs, you will integrate and balance you in relation to others.

Black Moon in Gemini: Marlon Brando, Karl Marx, Frank Sinatra, Mark Twain, Mariah Carey, Joe Biden, Muhammed Ali, Frida Kahlo, Harrison Ford, Stephen Hawking, Shia LeBeouf, Kendrick Lamar, Yoko Ono

Black Moon in the 3rd House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are deeply related to self- expression. The shadow side is ingrained in rigid attitudes and strong opinions that can cause us an endless amount of trouble. At times there is overwhelming confusion about the direction we want to take in life. Early life has a more pronounced effect on us than others. The outgrowths of childhood weave their way through later life in the most resolute ways. Issues with siblings can linger throughout adulthood.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our uncanny, exacting powers of observation and communication. These talents can be applied in a multitude of ways. Also, our accuracy in perceiving situations gives us a definite advantage in life.

CANCER: fear of abandonment

Theme: The Shadow of Support

Primary Fear: fear of abandonment

Self-Judgment: how well one is supported; how much others do or give

Issues: dependency; co-dependency

Projection: tendency to dislike those we deem “needy”

Goals: to do things for ourselves, to not be dependent or “clingy”

Manifestation:

Black Moon in Cancer carries a pervasive feeling of being unable to take care of oneself. This shadow manifests in the need to manipulate situations so that one is dependent on others. In this way we are assured of not being alone. This distorted sense of support wreaks havoc on relationships, as others feel burdened or smothered. Many times with the Black Moon in Cancer we feel unappreciated for the things we do for others. The chronic feeling of not being supported halts personal growth, as personal needs are met by others, not by ourselves.

Healing and Transcending:

The dependence on others for support must be faced. We must provide our own support by not abandoning ourselves. This means taking care of and addressing our own needs. Action that is in favor of self-sufficiency is in order. Action that is undertaken for others should be unconditional. When the concept of Oneness is integrated, the idea of abandonment is no longer valid and relationships naturally equalize to a state of balance.

Begin doing the things that you want others to do for you all by yourself. The next time you need something that you would normally ask another to provide for you, go ahead and get it yourself. Begin with small things but work your way up to major ones.

Do something that you never would have done on your own. By practicing doing more for yourself you will balance the shadow that depends too heavily on others.

Set up individual systems of support such as retirement funds or other accounts.

Black Moon in Cancer: Jimi Hendrix, Henry VIII, Janice Joplin, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Malcolm X, Princess Diana, Jennifer Aniston, Elvis Presley, Jay Z, Robin Williams, Paul McCartney, Charles Manson, Naomi Campbell, Kobe Bryant, Rupaul, Paul Newman, Al Capone

Black Moon in the 4th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to our foundation and sense of home. The shadow is ingrained with an overidentification with home and much effort is devoted to cultivating a feeling of belonging. With this placement, relationships with parents (particularly the mother) are often difficult, especially if our parents did not provide a strong home. There is a tendency to be stuck in the past and/or unable to forgive and forget.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is the ability to not only be sensitive to, but accommodate other people needs. If we truly trust someone, we will provide whatever is necessary to make that person happy, making us exceptional partners.

LEO: fear of change

Theme: The Shadow of Order

Primary Fear: fear of change

Self-judgment: the level or station one has achieved

Issues: order; position; arrogance; self-centeredness; jealousy

Projection: distaste for or identification with overbearing, vain, or “selfish” people

Goals: to identify and vocalize others‟ talents and strengths, to identify the opportunities presented by changes, to eliminate feeling jealous

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Leo assaults the ego. It manifests in egocentricity and arrogance. With this placement we are frequently accused of being selfish. This is because our attention is naturally attracted to whatever reinforces our position in life. Any ideas to the contrary are quickly dismissed. The fear of change morphs into the fear of losing face or losing position. Rigid attempts to maintain the existing order, framework, or mindset are common and can lead to exhaustion.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Leo, the need for classification and designation must be faced. In truth, there is no hierarchy – All is One. Change is the nature of the Universe and change brings the opportunity for growth. We each have roles that we slip in and out of; the key is to fluidly take on positions and situations where we both lead and follow so that nothing remains static. It is also important to remember that, by definition, Divine Order is never threatened.

Give to others. Black Moon in Leo has a tremendous capacity to uplift. ø When you encounter new situations, consider how you could empower someone else who is involved. How could you make them feel more important? Think about how you could give something of yourself to someone else.

When you are with others, practice trying to discover something very special about them in that moment and then casually mention it.

Try new things. By practicing changing the order of things, you are healing your shadow.

Black Moon in Leo: Charles de Gaulle, Ernest Hemingway, Elizabeth II, Lyndon B. Johnson, John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Vladimir Putin, Jim Morrison, Pablo Picasso, Christopher Reeve, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Leo Tolstoy, Barack Obama, Rihanna, Adele

Black Moon in the 5th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to the ability to truly enjoy life. This shadow is ingrained in pursuing, but having difficulty finding, pleasure. We are prone to take risks in order to feel stimulated. Issues with the father are found with this placement. The father may have been absent or neglectful, especially if Saturn is prominent. This shadow side may also center on children, either wanting children and not having them or not taking care of ones children.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is resiliency. No matter how disappointed we become, we are rarely down for long. We are excellent problem solvers and leaders. We adapt well to changes and can fluidly change course in mid-stride.

VIRGO: fear of failure

Theme: The Shadow of Ability

Primary Fear: fear of failure

Self-judgment: how much one works, progresses, improves, or fixes

Issues: feelings of being inherently flawed; self-criticism

Projection: feeling that others are not performing well enough or are incompetent

Goals: to not focus on flaws or failures, to not do things to excess, to not feel responsible to fix everything

Manifestation:

Black Moon in Virgo finds flaws and then internalizes them. This shadow manifests in chronic dissatisfaction, particularly with oneself. With this placement, we often find it difficult to feel positive about ourselves for great lengths of time. All too soon, a generalized feeling of being “not good enough” creeps back in to maintain internal disequilibrium. Black Moon in Virgo constantly challenges our abilities and, in an effort to prove ourselves, we tend to maintain a very full schedule. We work very hard but can have trouble seeing the forest for the trees, as we operate under the spell of having to do more and more to prove to ourselves and others that we are not flawed. This shadow is the most adept at self punishment.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Virgo, the need to find fault must be faced. A healthier state of mind is achieved when we recognize that nothing is absolute – there is no absolute right or wrong. All levels of ability have something to contribute. Healing this shadow requires understanding that flaws are an illusion. The crucial thing to understand is that when we have the Black Moon in Virgo, we interpret the feeling of separation from Spirit as somehow our fault. Everyone has the feeling of spiritual disconnection, but Black Moon in Virgo personalizes it. This is the root cause of why we feel flawed. To heal the shadow, we must accept that to some degree, this feeling is merely a by-product of the physical experience of life.

Examine where you feel you have failed. Upon closer inspection, what caused the “failure?” Was it really your fault? Was there really more you could have done or was it just not meant to be? Can you forgive yourself and others for not doing better?

Can you walk away from “failures” and feel enriched simply by having had the experience? Time is the true test of what is, at the time, perceived to be a failure. By focusing on the experience as opposed to the outcome, the shadow of ability is healed.

Black Moon in Virgo: Alexander Graham Bell, Benazir Bhutto, Sigmund Freud, Galileo, George Washington, 14th Dalai Lama, William Shakespeare, Jon Bon Jovi

Black Moon in the 6th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to health and work. At times there can be problems with co-workers, particularly regarding perceptions of our work performance. The shadow side is ingrained in the level of self-discipline we have. We may be accused of being disorganized. There is also a tendency to vacillate between ignoring our body and focusing too much on it, leading to concerns over health.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is a keen insight into the interrelatedness of things. We often hold a warehouse of information that others find helpful.

LIBRA: fear of loneliness

Theme: The Shadow of Perfection

Primary Fear: fear of loneliness/isolation

Self-judgment: personal “flaws” are harshly judged

Issues: perfection; unrealistic expectations; boundary issues

Projection: criticism of others, particularly the criticism of how things appear

Goals: to not have to have things be perfect, to be comfortable being alone, to see gray - not just black and white, to not be judgmental

Manifestation:

Black Moon in Libra values impeccability and holds everything and everyone to a high standard, especially oneself. This shadow involves pursuit of the “ideal” and keenly feels the separation from spirit. The Black Moon in Libra manifests in intense self-judgment and fragmentation of the self into pieces that are either acceptable or unacceptable. This shadow breaches boundaries and sorts through everything in an attempt to perfect it. It seeks excellence. This results in an unending series of disappointments and can form schisms in relationships. Maintaining any semblance of perfection is exhausting for anyone, but with the Black Moon in Libra, we often find ourselves complaining about being tired or not having enough time. Indecisiveness and self-deprivation are also characteristic of this shadow.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Libra, the need to judge must be faced. This shadow is strongly connected to the journey through the judgment of the Underworld and subsequent rebirth in a whole new way (see Chapter Five on the transits of the Black Moon). It is actually a journey to find what is truly of value. When we are able to see that love is truly the only thing of value, we find inclusion instead of separation. We begin to love all of the parts, not just some of them. When we understand that everything is connected, we see that the fear of separation is an illusion. Healing the shadow of perfection is about seeing our own (and others‟) inner perfection by allowing the “ideals” of the outer, material world to fall away.

Assess your values. When you find yourself being critical of others, ask yourself if you dislike that same thing in yourself. Examine how you separate yourself from other people. Is there a need to keep some part of you distinct from others?

When you find yourself being critical, find something valuable about the situation. You might not feel like certain things about you or others are perfect in appearance, but you may find that they are highly valuable in functionality. By practicing finding value, the shadow that believes in the idea of perfection is healed.

Black Moon in Libra: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Benito Mussolini, Tupac Shakur, Nikola Tesla

Black Moon in the 7th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to partnerships and commitment. This shadow side is urgently motivated to seek mutually-fulfilling relationships, which are often elusive. Also, other people find ways to take advantage of us, sometimes to the point of betrayal. Many times life seems unfair to us and others would probably agree. In the midst of this, there can also be issues of dependence or neediness.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our ability to perceive and create beauty from the smallest things. Innately tuned toward balance, we easily see what is missing and then endeavor to rectify the situation. This is a very valuable skill that can be translated into many different applications.

SCORPIO: fear of loss

Theme: The Shadow of Death

Primary Fear: fear of loss

Self-judgment: based on what one has won

Issues: winning vs. losing; issues with death/endings

Projection: rescuing others

Goals: to not always have to win, to learn how to have closure, to not have to rescue, to not struggle so hard

Manifestation:

Black Moon in Scorpio will go to extreme lengths to save, assist, rescue, or win. This shadows favorite prize is something that was hard won. The Black Moon in Scorpio manifests as a deep well of despair with desperate attempts to climb out. We cling or attach to anything that stems the feeling of free-falling through life. Daily life is frequently viewed as a battle to win in order to stave off deepening feelings of loss. Sometimes even casual encounters are judged according to what was won or lost in the exchange. Black Moon in Scorpio is very strong energy that can cause intense levels of anxiety. We are especially attracted to people who are in need of assistance or who are “persecuted” in some way, as this is the preferred method to vicariously save ourselves.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Scorpio, the need to struggle must be faced. Nothing is ever really lost because there really is no death – only transformation into a new form. There is no need to plunge to the depths just to prove that we can win or to try to keep things from ending. Practicing the arts of gratitude and surrender is what facilitates the shift from the perspective of loss to the perspective of love. Material things fall away, but love endures forever.

Become comfortable with losing. It is essential to let go of anything that you are overly attached to.

Examine where you have invested most of your energy. Is it a losing battle? Instead of dealing with loss in an indirect way, consciously take action to give up. Imagine how relieved you would feel.

Take steps to practice ending the smallest things (like phone calls) and work up to being able to step away from situations that cannot be saved (like dead end relationships). You may be surprised to find that something else was waiting all along - you just couldn’t see it while you were busy running away from it. This is the nature of death or endings. They always precede rebirth and beginnings.

Black Moon in Scorpio: Alexander the Great, Winston Churchill, Nostredame, Steve Jobs, Emily Dickinson, Pope Francis, Walt Disney, Jeff Bezos, John D. Rockefeller, Albert Schweitzer, Mother Teresa, Eminem, Taylor Swift, Johnny Depp, Beyoncé, Dwayne Johnson, Notorious B.I.G

Black Moon in the 8th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to death, inheritance, investments, and sex. This is the most difficult house placement for the Black Moon. The shadow side is ingrained in loss; in fact, we may feel that our lives lead only to loss. With Black Moon in the eighth house, chronic anxiety may be present.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our great depth of compassion and ability to see beyond the surface. We quickly ascertain people true motivations. Our wisdom and insight is a great benefit to those with whom we are close.

SAGITTARIUS: fear of meaninglessness

Theme: The Shadow of Truth

Primary Fear: fear of meaninglessness

Self-judgment: based on intentions and motivations

Issues: issues related to truth and honesty

Projection: distaste for people who lie or people who are naïve

Goals: to not have to have the ultimate answers, to tolerate the ordinary, to not always need “proof”

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Sagittarius manifests in an intense relationship with the concept of “truth.” There is a great need to discern the superlative truth in all things, which causes a never ending sequence of questioning. More importantly, we need to feel like people are telling us the truth, as we do not automatically believe anything simply because it was said. Relationships can become stressed if our partners feel that they always have to prove that they are telling the truth. Themes of deception often play a role in our lives, perhaps as a victim of deception. Ongoing questions about not only our purpose in life, but the purpose of life characterize this shadow. Feelings of stagnation are not tolerated well.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Sagittarius, the need to continue searching must be faced. At some point, one must simply believe. Ultimately, all searching for the truth leads back to the truth that All is One. What is meaningful? Whatever we choose as meaningful is meaningful. This shadow is healed when we see that each of us has an interpretation of truth, which eliminates the need to find one superlative truth.

Take up the mantle of responsibility for creating meaning in life. Meaningfulness is found by assessing what is truly important. What is meaningful to you? When you know the answers to this question, you will have created truth – the truth according to you. Devotion of your life to your own truth heals the shadow that never believes that truth really exists.

Black Moon in Sagittarius: Helena Blavatsky, Napoleon Bonaparte, Thomas Jefferson, Carl Jung, Martin Luther King, Jr., Jack London, Claude Monet, Ronald Reagan

Black Moon in the 9th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to our outlook or philosophy in life, religion, spirituality, higher learning, the law, and the world at large. This shadow is deeply concerned with issues of morality. We hold strong opinions, often leading to conflicts with others. There is a tendency to feel disconnected from others or from ourselves. We may even feel compelled to isolate ourselves from the world around us.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is a keen intellect that we are able to translate into many fields of interest. Our knowledge encompasses a wide spectrum, affording us the ability to relate to many different people, should we so desire.

CAPRICORN: fear of neglect

Theme: The Shadow of Control

Primary Fear: fear of neglect/ not being acknowledged

Self-judgment: how well one stands out or apart

Issues: control issues; attention-seeking behavior

Projection: negative reaction to bossy, showy, or attention-seeking people; rebellion against being told what to do

Goals: to be comfortable when not in control, to stand up for yourself

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Capricorn manifests as a need to control the course of events. When this shadow dominates, we have a tendency to be demanding. We can go to extreme efforts to gain attention. We have definite ideas about the way things should be and others often succumb to the force of our will. Frequently we refuse to give up until someone – anyone - acknowledges what we have to offer or agrees with what we think is best. A little bit of recognition goes a long way with us, but so does a little bit of neglect, and Black Moon in Capricorn has a long memory. But interpersonal relationships suffer when we wear down another free will to come into compliance with our own. This results in lackluster relationships where the joyful spark of life becomes extinguished. We are very hard workers, but we can also expect a lot from others.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Capricorn, we need to examine what we are trying to control. We also need to give ourselves the recognition we seek. When we are able to do this, there is no longer a drive to ensure that others follow our wishes because we already have what we need.

Examine where you need to have your way. Observe yourself carefully. Are you telling someone how, when, or what to do? Practice allowing others to go about tasks in their own way.

Ask others what they would like to do and then do it. Enjoy the feeling of not being responsible for everything. Freedom, spontaneity, and a joyful feeling for life will return when the pressure to be a certain way is removed.

Black Moon in Capricorn: Leonardo da Vinci, Farrah Fawcett, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Machiavelli

Black Moon in the 10th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to ambition, authority, social status, and responsibility. Tradition and family obligations are important us. This shadow is ingrained in a sense of duty and high aspirations, and we closely monitor our progress in the world as compared to others. We hold high standards and expectations, which can cause interpersonal difficulties if we demand too much from others.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our ability to persevere. We are hard workers who take more than our share of any load. When we give our word, we do everything in our power to keep it.

AQUARIUS: fear of powerlessness

Theme: The Shadow of Power

Primary Fear: fear of powerlessness

Self-judgment: based on the impact/power one has to get what one wants or needs

Issues: power issues; power struggles

Projection: distaste for weak or undisciplined people

Goals: to learn to ask for help, to not overpower others

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Aquarius often manifests in a powerful sense of loneliness. Usually we are keenly aware of our intense personal power and are somewhat frightened by it. Our skills and aptitudes can border on genius, often giving us an air of considerable authority. We have strong faculties and diverse talents that can be used to uplift or to crush others. Black Moon in Aquarius is a force rivaled by few, and the temptation to dominate others can become an ongoing battle. It is simply all too easy to emotionally and intellectually overpower others. Ethical concerns can arise, as we are prone to test our limitations. In situations where we feel powerless, we tend to isolate ourselves so no one will see our “weakness.” This self-imposed prison is rife with internal brutality, as we tend to unleash cruel criticism on ourselves for not being stronger.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Aquarius, the tendency to overpower others must be faced. When we recognize that we are all connected, there is no need for anyone to overpower another. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses that fluctuate and change over time. The extra boost of power that accompanies Black Moon in Aquarius can be re-routed back into the collective of humanity in the form of brilliant ideas and creations that uplift the whole. A channel or outlet for this power is what is needed to keep it from blowing up. When the focus shifts to sharing power, all benefit.

Examine if you abuse your power by neglecting or criticizing others. Do you take advantage of others, however unwittingly? Or do you neglect, criticize, or overextend yourself?

Ask yourself what you would do with all of your power. It is very important for you to answer this question. Are you more afraid of your power or your powerlessness? Discerning the parameters of personal power is what heals this shadow.

Black Moon in Aquarius: Robert Oppenheimer, Genghis Khan, Ludwig van Beethoven, James Dean, Jacki Kennedy, Salvador Dali, O.J Simpson, Amy Winehouse, Kid Cudi

Black Moon in the 11th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to our hopes, wishes, and dreams. The shadow is concerned with how we fit into the collective of humanity. Issues of the “self versus others” follow us and we may find that we are often accused of being selfish or self centered. Change is usually difficult for us to handle.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is the ability to bring people together. We are natural networkers. We are also interesting people to be around and are true innovators.

PISCES: fear of vulnerability/harm

Theme: The Shadow of Trust

Primary Fear: fear of vulnerability

Self-judgment: based on how stable ones emotions are

Issues: trust issues

Projection: distrust of people who are “too nice” because they must want something

Goals: to let down your walls with the appropriate people, to be able to discern who is appropriate for you, to focus on self as much as others

Manifestation:

The Black Moon in Pisces is tender-hearted. We are afraid that if others discover this, they will use it against us. There is a tendency to judge people and situations based on the potential of being hurt. We may find it difficult to be open or fully intimate with others. It is often hard to trust others and we test them until we feel safe. This shadow can show up overtly (in unmistakable emotional walls) but it can also show up subtly (appearing on the surface to be very open, but upon closer inspection having definite commitment issues). On the flip side, we can also make commitments before trust is gained. By prematurely trusting, we face betrayal or disappointment. In this way, a vague sense of safety is maintained since a deeper sense of intimacy is never attained. The sense of being separated from Spirit is acute with Black Moon in Pisces and the intense desire to not be present in the “here and now” can lead to emotional addictions, addiction to substances, or escaping our own issues through focusing on others.

Healing and Transcending:

With the Black Moon in Pisces, the need to put up a wall of protection must be faced. The truth is, life can be painful and people hurt us whether they intend to or not. We need to learn to trust the people we know we can trust. Usually this is the person we are with the most, but proportionately open up to the least. We tend to hold ourselves back, but this is a crime against our souls because we are naturally closest to Spirit and have much to share with others. Our shadow is healed when we trust that we are strong enough to withstand any offense.

Ask yourself when you feel most vulnerable. In what situations do you cross your arms and cover your chest? How do you cover up or cover over who you really are?

Consider who you physically, intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally open up to the most? It is important to look at the level of trust you have in the people around you and honestly assess if your trust is well-placed. Balancing the shadow of trust is just as much about not placing trust in the people that you know you shouldn’t as it is about allowing someone else see who you really are.

Black Moon in Pisces: Jesus Christ (allegedly), Prince Charles, John Lennon, Gerald Ford, Judy Garland, Angelina Jolie, Mike Tyson, Madonna, Harry Styles, Miley Cyrus, Ariana Grande, Leonardo DiCaprio, Al Pacino, Elizabeth Taylor

Black Moon in the 12th House

Challenges: The greatest challenges of the shadow are related to unconscious motivations, addictions, institutions, and enemies. The shadow is deeply ingrained in anything that is hidden. By its very nature, the Black Moon is hidden, making this placement difficult to understand. There is often a side to us that is unknown to most people. We may have a degree of emotional suffering that is not evident to others until they get to know us.

Gift: The gift of the shadow is our ability to empathize with others. We seem to easily give to others that which we may not be able to give to ourselves. We are complex people who can handle complex tasks and material with aplomb.

╚══════════════ ⛧ ══════════════╝

"Primary fears subvert our personal growth and feelings of happiness. Oftentimes they impede our success because fear is what stops us cold in our tracks when we are venturing into unknown territory. Our choices and actions are directly proportional to the level of control our shadow exerts over us. When the fear that is contained in the shadow side is dominant, we feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied." - (Walker, 2011)

Reference:

Walker, L., 2011. The Astrology of the Black Moon: A Guide to Healing the Shadow Side. Austin, Texas: The Dog Publishing.

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lunarmoves · 10 months

Text

mentions: blood, injury, horror themes. sorry LMAO. they care u?

you were taught—like all others at a young age—that the word 'friend' has a positive connotation.

friend, best friend, work friend—they all have positive associations with them. it's only natural, you suppose, for humans to crave close connections to others. after all, you've experienced it your whole life, not only with yourself, but when looking at the people around you and how they interact with the world.

friends are good, simple as that. and to be called someone's friend means that you'll always be there for them. that you care about them and crave their presence in your life.

so when sun calls you his friend for the first time—your first day on the job, in fact—you're a bit surprised and maybe a little weirded out. you've only just met him and frankly, you hadn't been aware that this applied to robots as well. it's something you find yourself ruminating upon later.

he uses the title very often, you've noticed. not only with you, but with others as well. mostly the kids at the daycare, since they are whom he interacts with the most on a daily basis. you figure it must be part of his programming to make people more comfortable with him, so you let him call you whatever his little robot heart desires. not like it was really bothering you or anything—though you certainly grow more accustomed to it the closer you get to him.

part of you wonders if he puts any weight behind the word—if by calling you 'friend' he truly means it. maybe he doesn't understand the concept—made, as he is, from metal and code. perhaps it is just an empty word. perhaps it isn't. you're not sure if you'll ever know.

moon doesn't call you 'friend', not really. he's quite quiet when he wants to be and sticks to calling you other names that make your eye twitch sporadically on more than one occasion. what he does do relentlessly is tease you, and you figure that's his way of getting close to people. or driving them away, whichever comes first. you get used to him like you get used to sun's openness.

you find yourself pondering upon the relationship you form with the daycare attendant over time, analyzing and picking them apart in your mind in the nights you spend at home. they seem to have an affinity for your presence, seeking you out the moment you step into the daycare. they talk to you, they laugh with you. they show genuine interest in the things you have to say. they hug you and spin you around. they pat your head and pinch your nose.

and so you conclude, one night after returning from the pizzaplex, that sun and moon are your friends. a strange thought, you muse, to be friends with robots. it makes you happy, you admit.

so then why are you so afraid right now?

you swallow heavily as you try to level your shallow breaths, heart pounding a harsh beat in your chest. you need to calm down, you need to calm down or they'll hear you. their sensors allow them to pick up on irregular rhythms, they'll find you if you don't calm yourself. deep breath in, deep breath out. breathe.

perspiration slides down the side of your face as you hunker into yourself, curled underneath a party table with cloth adornments that conceal your form from the outside. you're safe here for now if you don't disturb the fabric around you. your legs curl farther into your body—squishing yourself into as small of a ball as possible. darkness surrounds your figure, interrupted by the dim light you can see filtering through the table cloth.

your right hand grips at your left shoulder, wet with a thick liquid that spills between your fingers and coats the inside of your shirt. it hurts, god, it hurts so much. you're confused, you're scared. you don't know what's going on—only that something is so very, very wrong. wrong from the moment you'd stepped into the daycare, and the moment you'd ran out.

your throat aches when you swallow, a dryness coating it like there are cotton balls instead of mucosa lining it. you lick your lips in a vain attempt to wet them and close your eyes to suppress the way your vision swims before you. deep breath in, deep breath out. you're not calming down, why aren't you calming down?

your heartrate spikes abruptly when you hear a slow, dull clanging sound somewhere to your far left. it's loud—getting louder with each beat—and makes you cover your mouth with your unoccupied hand as best as you can. something wet slides down the curves of your cheeks and drips onto your collarbones. you still your breaths and do your best not to make a sound.

the clanging gets louder and a glitched, warbling voice calls out over it in a way that makes your stomach drop down to your feet. "f-friend! friend!" it cries out desperately, static lining its voice. the word makes something icy coat your insides and seizes your guts in an iron grip. "w-where a-are you hi-hiding, f-friend?"

your teeth clench together so harshly you swear something in your jaw creaks. your eyes dart around, wishing you can see beyond the table cloth. but you're forced to rely on your hearing as the clanging—heavy, metallic stomping—moves somewhere behind you. "f-friend! we-we are s-so sorr-r-y for hur-hurting you!" the voice gets closer, like it's right on top of your head. "come out, pl-please?"

fat chance, you want to say, but you don't. your lower lip trembles minutely and your eyes catch onto a shadow that moves on your left. just beyond the table cloth. you don't move. you don't breathe. if you listen close enough, you can hear small clicks of metal against metal. little jerks and twitches.

a beat passes. your muscles tense.

a scream leaves your lips as cloth rushes over your head. the table gets flipped—thrown to the side like it weighs nothing—and you're left exposed to the chilly air of the pizzaplex. you scramble backwards, but feel something latch onto your ankle and drag you down until you're flat on your back and staring up up up. at the towering figure of metal and silicon crouched over you, three arms crooked towards you in a way like they are about to grab you.

its shadow casts itself over your prone form, interrupted by an iridescent purple that gleams across the pupils of its eyes—faint.

"f-friend!" it says excitedly as its grip tightens around your ankle. another one of its arms latches onto your uninjured shoulder while a third lifts its sharp claws up to wipe at the tears running down your face. "th-there y-you are! found you, we f-found you~! why did you h-hide from us?" its grin seems to widen and thins at the edges, voice dark with a static you've never heard before. your heart stutters in your chest, a sob lingers in your throat.

it's sun. it's moon. it's both of them. it's neither of them. it's your friend. it's not your friend.

you don't know who they are anymore. you don't know why them calling you their friend has turned that previously warm feeling in your gut into something much, much darker.

you were friends. you were friends.

you stare up at them and flinch when their hands tighten over you to bring you closer to them.

...right?

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skylarsblue · 10 months

Text

✦Bo Sinclair Fluff Alphabet ✦

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Bo’s a bit superficial, admittedly. It’s not something he can really deny, nor does he try to. He’ll readily admit to a few past flings that were insufferable, but pretty. It’s not hard for him to be lured in by plush curves and some simple sweet talking. Deep down, he’s a lonely man with a hard time finding connection.

I will say he’s a bit of a chubby chaser, for one. It’s not required but he certainly likes his plushness. In general though, though he’s got vanity, he’s not picky. Pretty is pretty, there are many kinds. Be it a nice ass, a doe eyed gaze, or an alluring voice.

What’s harder to understand is what he looks for in personality. Again, he won’t be actively looking for a deep, intimate connection on an emotional level. It sort've just…happens. He’s not sure how and he probably tries to resist it. But this is where it stops being about what he wants and more so what he needs. He needs someone with a lot of patience, some sternness, and the ability to read between lines. He’s not good at expressing how he really feels, sometimes he doesn’t even know what he’s feeling, so he doesn’t know what he should do about his emotions. That’s where you need to be able to notice and take action for him, even if he bitches about it.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

Bit of a 50/50 here. He’s never thought too hard about it, because he didn’t see a need to. He never planned on getting tied down in any form, and he definitely doesn’t see himself as the fathering type. But, while he’s unaware of it, he has a soft spot for kids somewhere in that hardened shell. Bo just doesn’t know it’s there. Be it of his own blood or a bundle of joy left on his doorstep in a woven basket. At first, he’s terrified. He leaves, he isolates, he panics. But it doesn’t take much more than an innocent giggle and a wide eyed gawk to get him softening. Somewhere in his ribs there’s a child aching for the care he and his brothers never got. He can’t get a do over, but he can prevent it from happening again.

He raised his brothers, he loves them beyond words. Being in charge of a baby was basically what he was when Lester was born. Even if it scares him to death, he could be convinced.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

Bo will swear up and down he’s no cuddler, and he’s an absolute fucking liar. It’s just hard for him to find a cuddling position that doesn’t feel too restrictive, which is why he thinks he’s not into it. But he’s starved for gentle contact, and he enjoys the rare feeling of safe peace. During the day, you’re only likely to get subtler stuff. Getting to sit across his lap, letting you mess with his hands, hug his arm, etc.

But at night, no matter how far away on the bed he starts, he ends up in your vicinity. One of his favorite positions, aside from classing spooning, is when he gets to lay on top of you. Between your legs with his head on your sternum, listening to your heart. It’s one of the few times he lets himself stop being on edge, to fully relax. Bonus if you run your nails along his back and shoulders. Hum a lullaby if you feel like it. Best sleep he’ll ever get.

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

He doesn’t really take you on dates. Not that he doesn’t like them or anything, he just doesn’t often have the time or energy to take you places. Especially if it’s early on. He’s got trust issues, for the first few years he’s worried you’ll run. But that doesn’t mean it never happens, unlike the case with most slashers, he has the means, money, and the lack of a wanted poster on a bulletin somewhere.

He probably won’t go for anything fancy, it’s not his style and it makes him uncomfortable. He’s a vain humble man, an oxymoron. The town outside of Ambrose has its local diner, its little shops, a bar. These are the typical places he’ll take you. If it’s an anniversary and you show you want something more conventionally romantic, he’ll take you to Baton Rouge or a picnic, depends on your preference.

E = Everything (You are my___ (e.g. my life, my world)

“My do-over.”

It sounds insulting at first, but that’s not how he means it. Bo has been in a routine his entire life, and every stage, every routine, has always been with big negatives. As a child; he’d act out because of the treatment his parents gave, they’d “discipline” him, he’d do it over again. As a teen; he’d get into trouble, weasel his way out of it, do it over again.

But what he’s never gotten is an actual restart on life. He’s never gotten to, in his soul, start over. He’s always been carrying all his bad decisions and pain with him. So, when you show up, and give him a break in the pattern, it gives him the ability to get a do-over. Nothing will change on the outside, not immediately anyway. However, on the inside, he feels different. You make him feel like a different man even if his behavior hasn’t changed.

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

It’s hard to say. He knows his attraction to you is deeper than normal, but the concept of love scares him. It’s a bit too new, a bit too vulnerable. Still, he can’t help but enjoy it. It’s slow to set in, slow to be put in place. He’ll rarely, rarely, say it, and when it finally hits him that his feelings for you aren’t going away, it scares him away. But he comes back. It’ll at least take two years to properly be set, but you’ll see the signs near the end of year one. If you’re observant, that is.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Bo is all sharp metal and stinging cuts. He’s never been treated gently and his hands show it, both in scars and in his grip. It’s not that he really means to be rough with you, not in a way that’s unenjoyable anyway. You’re obviously a very different situation than anyone else, so while he knows how much pressure to apply to your throat, or the crease of where your thigh meets your hip, his gentleness is unpracticed. It’s shaky and uncertain. His gentleness comes from inside, allowing you to see him more as himself than the mask he puts on for strangers, or the hardass he pretends to be for the sake of his emotional safety.

It’s in long glances with admiration behind the pupils. In the slope of his shoulders as they come at ease beside you. The hand he rests possessively on your lower back when you’re in the kitchen. It’s in the moments you catch him at his weakest and he doesn’t run away, but to you instead.

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

Bo’s not much of the hand holding type. He prefers his hand in your back pocket, around your waist, or you hugging his arm. Still though, every now and then it’s that little bit of contact he needs, without being too much. Usually when driving. He’ll lock your fingers together, feel the skin of your palm press against his. Especially if your hands run cold, he’ll always make a comment about it, blow hot air on the back of it in order to warm your hand up.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

The same as everyone else, really. Likely finding you attractive, another pretty face he’ll have to shoot at. His opinion only changes when he sees how you behave, how the others around you treat you, how you treat him as a stranger. It’ll start to shift. He’s met nice people before, even let a few go because of their situation. Like a single mother looking for gas or a young teen boy on the run from his parents.

He could justify why he’d let you live, what he doesn’t understand is why he can’t let you go either. Not just because you could tell the cops. But something deeper in him aches at the thought, that long loneliness that he’s been denying for so long.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

He absolutely is a jealous man. As confident as he can be, he hates gawking eyes running over you. He’s possessive, and while you’re not an object, he does feel like he owns you in a certain way. You can have your free will, but he’s stamped his name on your heart, and he intends to put his initials everywhere he can reach. He won’t show it all the time, it’ll start subtly. Cracking his jaw, a glare, a little less southern kindness in his act.

God forbid someone come onto you though. It’s not jealousy then, he’s enraged at the audacity. He’s a murderer, one with little to no morals and a severe lack of empathy. But he draws the line at you. Doesn’t matter if he’d a hypocrite, if he had behaved in a similar flirtatious way with taken individuals before you. With you, no one gets any leeway.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

50/50 based on time, but most likely him. If your timeline includes heavy resistance on your part, he’ll initiate it. It won’t be sweet, it’ll be a move for power, even if he’s gentle. If your timeline includes you being more willing, and open, then it’ll likely be you. This way, you can make it sweet. Convey the kindness you have to him again in unspoken words, allow him to melt against you for once. It’ll be the only kiss he actually remembers.

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

Definitely you, and he won’t believe you at first. No matter when you first say it, or how, he’s taken aback. He thinks you’re exaggerating or you’re outright lying. Aside from brotherly love, no one has ever loved him. Not earnestly, not honestly. They may love what he can do, what he can provide, his face. But he knows at the core of his soul, he’s rotten and covered in razor wire. He understands no one wants to hold something that hurts them. But yet here you are, cradling his heart covered in razor blades, letting your blood fall down the arms he leaves kisses on in the dark, when he thinks you’re asleep.

He’ll say it back after you’ve shown him you mean it. You haven’t walked away, you haven’t hated him, you haven’t dumbed him down to the untalented version of his twin. You’ve stayed, and you’ve cared. He says it softly, almost uncertain if the words can leave his throat. But he means it.

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

Coming home to you after a long day and seeing you seem like you’re enjoying yourself. Like you’ve settled into the home, like you’re no longer a prisoner and instead a member of the family. Lester & Vincent were in the same room, chatting, though Vincent silently, and laughing with you. At ease around you like he was, you at ease with them in return. With a warm meal on the stove and a pleasantness in the air. He can see you at your brightest. He swears that day you made the world slow when you looked at him, smiling, beckoning him in on the conversation.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Usually he does so on dates. Though dates are sparse, you never come home without him spending at least 200$, half of which went to you specifically. Does he bring you a gift home every day? No. But he knows when you deserve a spoiling, and he follows through consistently. He also struggles saying no to things you want, within reason. Suddenly, 200$ seems like a small price in comparison to your joy. Don’t think you get away without a little comment though.

“You’re a real spoiled brat, ya know that? Better thank me, at least”

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

Bo’s not one for caring about colors. He knows his favorites are black and denim blue, but that’s about it. Still, the colors that seem to invoke emotion in him, that bring you up in his mind? The colors of the sunset. Pinks blending into purples, and eventually a deep blue. It brings him a sense of peace, and it reminds him that it's the end of the day, so he can come home to you. Listen to you rattle off about something, or sit in silence with the aura you bring into the room. Especially when the dipping sun hits your face just right. Every time it happens, it makes his breath catch in his lungs. And every time he wonders how someone so awful as him got someone so celestial as you.

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

He’s a Southern man, he’s got a surplus to pull from. A classic “sweetheart”, “hun”, and “baby” are frequent. Sometimes he throws in a “sweet thing”, or thang, if we include the accent. Darling missing the ‘G’ and sugar make an appearance now and then. But he’s also likely to give you at least one fond nickname based on something you two have discussed.

“Anyone ever tell ya you look like a lil rabbit? Cute lil’ bunny, eh? Oh don’t get shy on me now, you had all that talk a second ago!”

As for ones he enjoys, he prefers them simple, nothing that’s over the top. “Love” & “babe” work best most of the time, but he’s got a soft spot for being called “sugar”. One that he pretends to hate but he adores? “Lover boy.” Call him that, trust me.

Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?)

Bo isn’t really for new things anyway, aside from maybe TVs. Even his cars he prefers are old. He’s a pretty firm believer in the “quality back then was better” idea. Still, his heart always goes back to old cars, trucks specifically. He’s a simple man, he wants a simple truck that’ll do its job and last him years. He’ll never understand the hype behind sleek sports cars and shiny leather interiors.

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

Rain doesn’t do much for him. Unless it’s a heavy storm, he’s gonna do what he needs to do, albeit in a slightly calmer mood. He finds rain calming, even if he’s not super fond of the mess of mud Jonesy tracks in the house. Storms however, especially heavy ones, worry him. It's not that he’s afraid of lightning, and they’re far enough from the water to not have much worry of any flooding. It’s because Lester hates thunder. On these days, he tries to make an excuse to go see his baby brother. When you catch on, don’t comment, but encourage. Lester always appreciates it and it helps you see Bo’s softer side to being a big brother.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Bo’s self destructive, we know this. He doesn’t cope well and he doesn’t like people giving him advice on how to handle his emotions, even if he needs it desperately. On a rough day, he smokes more, he might crack open a beer, but worst of all? He hides, metaphorically. He gets loud, he snaps, he hurts the feelings of people around him because he’s upset. And apologizing isn’t his forte. The longer he’s with you, the calmer he gets, and the more likely he is to direct his anger out, but not at you and his brothers. Coax him into a rant, while he goes on about his gripes, do small things to make him comfortable. Slip a drink in his hand, sneakily place an ice pack on his sore bruises, gently play with the hair near the nape of his neck.

By the end of it all, he’ll be tuckered out. Ready for a little couch nap and maybe some lovin’, if you’re alright with him laying on your lap, that is.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Bo’s actually the quiet type. Unless he’s angry, he doesn’t say much unprompted. He can carry a conversation though, and he has his subjects that he’ll gush about, you just have to bring it out of him. Aside from rants on cars and some random history facts from his phase as a teenager, he likes to talk about what you bring up. If you’re the talkative type, he enjoys the long conversations with all the topics you seem to pull from thin air. Lighthearted debates and such. But if you’re also the quiet type, he’s more than happy with silent company. He doesn’t need words to be entertained.

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

His hobby of fixing up cars, a cigarette, the occasional beer at dinner time. Laying on you at bed time seems to work really well, he goes as limp as a corpse, almost like his limbs are weighted by how relaxed he gets. Petting Jonesy helps, but he only does that if no one’s looking. He had other things that worked, up until someone ruined it for him.

Piano, poetry, and photography were all things he used when he was younger to ease himself. Each time though, criticism and comparison to Vincent killed his passion for it. He could pick these things up again though, should he have someone the encourage him

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

He’s cocky, let’s be honest. He likes to show off his looks, since it's one of the few things he’s always had over his brothers, according to others. He doesn’t flaunt things like his truck or the rings he wears, although he takes pride in his appearance. Best bet he’s proud of having you beside him though. He brags a lot. To the point that the people at the bar he visits are sick of you before they even meet you.

“I dunno why the bartender don’t like ya, hun. Just don’t worry bout it, she just don’t know you like I do.”

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

He takes you out to a picnic on the back of his truck, sent a rare prayer to the lord that the weather will match his plan. You’ll probably notice how stiff he is, the tenseness in his muscles is impressive. He’ll drive you two out to a little pasture out of Ambrose, a patch of land surrounded by trees, likely near a large pond or lake. He made sure to do it in Spring, having convinced himself that doing it on the same day he got that first dream would give him better luck.

He sits with you and slowly relaxes as you coax him out of his shell once more. Like you did all those years ago. Showing what all that barbed wire around his insides is hiding. He’ll get to reminiscing, ensure to make you laugh. When he stops talking, it worries you. He’s just as worried. He had a speech rehearsed, he forgets it all the second his fingers touch the velvet box in his pocket. Still, Bo will manage to stutter out some paraphrased lines, keeping his gaze down. His confidence is gone, and he feels like he’s five again, begging for the approval he feels he doesn’t deserve.

But then you say yes, you say it with enthusiasm and raw emotion. Suddenly the world has air again and he can bring himself to smile, allowing you a glimpse at his soul when he gets the ring on your hand. The ceremony won’t be anything but a church service in the next town over, in his tux, you in whatever you chose. Only his brothers and Jonesy will be there, but it doesn’t matter to him. As sappy as he feels, it doesn’t feel like a bad thing.

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

Middle Finger - Bohnes Cowboy Casanova - Carrie Underwood Wrecking Ball - Mother Mother

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Bo has never seen himself as the type to get married. He’s never considered it really, not until you come along. For a long time, he still doesn’t think about it, until a dream hits him out of nowhere in the Spring and it tips the first domino. Whether his brain put you in a tux or white lace, it doesn’t matter, his heart palpitates all the same. It scares him. So, while the thought is now there, it still takes years for him to actually consider doing it. When he sucks it up and buys a ring, it takes him another five months to actually plan and go through with it.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

He’s not much of an animal person. Jonesy was found by Lester, and Vincent was the one that convinced Bo to let her stay. He still swears he doesn’t like the dog, but he’s brutally beaten a man to death with his bare hands for kicking her. Simply put, if he had to pick, he’d be a dog person. Pitbulls specifically.

#slasher community #slashers #slasher x reader #slasher fucker #bo sinclair #slasher #house of wax #fluff alphabet #bo sinclair x reader #bo sinclair x gender neutral reader #bo sinclair x you #house of wax 2005

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resowrites · 11 months

Text

Level Up - oneshot.

Summary: Henry gets a taste of what labour pain feels like when he’s hooked up to a TENS machine…

Pairings: AU!Henry Cavill x Wife!OC

Warnings: fluff, banter/British humour, language, dialogue heavy, nondescript OC body type/appearance, hastily written/lightly proofread.

WC: 1323

A/N: My work must not be copied, reposted, or translated elsewhere. Likes, follows, reblogs and comments are thoroughly welcome and appreciated! Gifs/pics not my own. I hope you all enjoy and thanks for visiting!

Level Up - oneshot.

"So, what do you think? Buttercup Haze or Early Morning Mist?" Henry held up both paint samples as she continued flicking through the booklets spread in front of her.

"Mmm… I think they're both a bit too dark for a nursery."

"Really? Early Morning Mist is just white with a hint of green--"

"Exactly, it looks like bird shit," she sighed. "We'll have to keep looking…"

"Well I need a break, I've been looking at samples for so long I've gone cross-eyed."

"Really? I thought your eyes looked back to normal…" She smirked.

"Very funny. Be back in a tick, just gotta shake the dew off the lily--"

"At least that explains the early morning mist."

"… Bloody hell it's no wonder Dave Chapelle keeps working," she gigged. "And you're having some lunch with me when I get back as well."

"Only if you wash your hands--" but something stopped her mid-sentence. When he glanced across, her eyes were screwed shut and both hands were on her stomach.

"Darling, what's wrong? Are you in pain?!" She nodded quickly, causing Henry to shoot out of his chair and to her side. "Alright darling, just take deep breaths. Now, is it a tightening pain?"

"No… stabbing."

"Okay, and for how long?"

"Just a few seconds." She blew out a breath and Henry could feel his heart thumping in his chest.

"Well, let's get you in the living room so you can lie down. And then I'll call the midwife…" He pulled her up from the chair and guided her carefully onto the sofa in the next room.

"No, I don't think there's any need…" But sitting down caused her to cry out.

"Right, that's it, we're going to the hospital!"

"Henry, relax… it'll pass."

"But you just cried out!"

"Yeah, cos it's round ligament pain! It always gets worse when you move…"

"Are you sure? You don't look the best--"

"Charming…"

"Ollie, be serious, you could be going into early labour!" She rolled her eyes.

"Don't be silly--"

"You're not bleeding or anything are you?"

"No, darling. But you might need to go fetch the TENS machine…"

"The what machine?"

"It looks like the moisture meter you bought when the kitchen flooded… except it's got leads connected to electrodes."

"… Are you sure I can't just use the moisture meter?" She shot Henry a death stare. "Alright, alright! God I was just trying to introduce a bit of levity!" But her death stare remained and he rushed into the kitchen. "Which drawer is it in?"

"Should be the one on the top left…"

"Okay… think I've got it." He jogged back into the living room clutching a thick knot of wires. "Might take me a minute to get all of this untangled--"

"Nope, give it here, by the time you'll be finished I really will be in labour…"

"Hey, I'm not that hopeless!"

"Oh please, you didn't get the Christmas lights untangled till Boxing Day…"

"Well, it's good to see you're not in so much pain you can't still have a go at me!"

"Just give me the bloody wires!" Henry held them aloft.

"Say please…"

"Henry, you give me those wires right now or I'll hook you up to this bloody thing!" He pursed his lips but handed them over all the same.

"I thought it was meant to provide pain relief?"

"It does, but on the higher levels it simulates labour pain."

"Really? What for?" She shrugged.

"To torture idiot husbands, I guess."

"Oh please, I bet I've had shits more painful."

"As reluctant as I am to doubt that, there's no way you'd cope with the pain this dishes out."

"Rubbish, I've run full marathons, had major ligament injuries--"

"Cos both those examples are totally comparable to giving birth…"

"I'm not saying it isn't painful, just that it's a bit exaggerated."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah, pass it over and I'll show you."

"You'll have to wait your turn, I'm growing a baby with its dad's big nose and it's making my tummy hurt…"

"How do you know you're not hurting because its arse is growing like yours?" The death stare returned, followed by a smirk.

"Fine. If you really think you're up to it, stick these to the base of your stomach…" Henry lifted up his shirt and wriggled his eyebrows. She rolled her eyes and attached both electrodes. "By the way, you'll want to sit or lie down for this."

"Nonsense, it can't be that bad." She smiled again and hastily turned on the machine. He stayed standing but quickly began giggling. "Hey, that tickles! Oh my God, is this what all the fuss is about? You women--" but the expression on Henry's face soon changed and he swallowed hard.

"What were you saying?"

"Nothing…"

"Are you sure? You're not in pain are you?" He took a deep breath and tried to stand straighter.

"Nah, it's more of a pleasant warming sensation actually…"

"Oh, I must not have it high enough." She pressed the top arrow on the little machine several more times. Henry was now biting his lip. "How's that?"

"Mhmm…"

"Sorry, what was that?"

"S'fine."

"Really?" He nodded but began shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Well, I must say I'm impressed. I usually can't go beyond that level. Let's go a little higher…" Henry's eyes went wide before quickly screwing shut. In just seconds he was bent over. "How're you doing now?" Henry didn't need to look at her to know she was grinning. He started taking deeper breaths.

"Yeah… a bit… intense… but… nothing… I… can't… handle."

"Wow, I guess you really are tougher. We're not at the higher levels yet though…" Henry's head shot up.

"What?! How… much… more?" He squeaked out.

"Well, let's see…" Gleefully, she pressed the button a couple more times. Henry cried out and collapsed to the floor. He hugged his knees and rocked from side to side, though it provided little relief. "Ready to give up?"

"… No!" In response, she pressed the button again and the machine even started to hum its output was so high. Henry screamed.

"What about now?" By that time he was curled into a ball, unable to answer at first. "Darling? Blink if you want me to stop." Henry's eyes squeezed shut. "Darling was that a blink or are you having a seizure?" He rolled onto his back and started groaning. "We'll go higher then, yeah?"

"NO!!!"

"Are you sure?"

"YES, TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!!!"

"Are you going to apologise for your earlier remarks about women?"

"NOWWWWWW!!!"

"Well, are you?!"

"YES, YES JUST TURN IT OFF!"

"Apologise first."

"I'M SORRYYYYYY!!!" She smiled and switched the machine off. All Henry could do was lay panting in the middle of the living room floor. "Jesus Christ… I'm actually sweating!"

"Really? Cos I'm actually feeling a lot better…" He slowly climbed to his feet, clutching his stomach as he did so.

"By God woman, what level did you have it on really?!" Henry slumped beside her and grabbed the machine. "Oh my God, you were nowhere near finished!"

"Exactly, now imagine a higher level of the pain you just felt, for possibly days on end. Still think labour's a piece of piss?" To his credit, he looked genuinely contrite.

"I'm so sorry, darling. And I'm sorry that's what you have to go through just to bring our baby into the world…" Henry looked down sadly and she cupped his face, placing a kiss on one sweaty cheek.

"It's alright, love. But that's why I need you by my side, helping me through it--"

"Well rest assured, I'm going to do everything I can! Though by the time you're done with me, I'll probably need pain relief as well…" She took his hand and placed a kiss on top of it. "No different than any other day, then." They smirked at each other and shared a kiss.

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#henry cavill #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill imagine

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minty-muse · 10 days

Text

Ok but one of the things that people miss is that Rika is basically the reincarnation of Hanyuu's actual daughter. And that makes her a bit more nuanced than what some people take away from her character. It's always "Hanyuu is selfish and only kept Rika in the loops because she was lonely." I know it's outright stated at some point. But I feel like that's a very surface-level take, if you can't get anything else from their relationship.

Of course she'll be sad when Rika's gone. They've been physically and emotionally connected since she was a baby. She basically raised her. She knows her better than her real parents. They're literally inseparable. Not to mention, Rika is the spitting image of her real daughter. It's literally her chance to start over as a mother, without the guilt of the burden she placed on Ouka.

And although Hanyuu loves Rika, it's only natural that after being together for so long, she would be terrified of going back to being a single entity. Their existences have been intertwined for so long that the thought of being apart-of being independent- is terrifying.

And I'd go so far as to say that Rika feels the same. Hanyuu does get on her nerves, but she's relied on her for so long that the thought of losing her isn't even something that crosses her mind. Because Hanyuu has always been there. She'll always be there. Hanyuu is the only person who understands her grief on a personal level. She's the only person she's shared her pain with for all those years.

Rika is Hanyuu's daughter. Hanyuu took on the burden of raising a child who wasn't her own and in doing so ended up in the position of a mother who would do anything to ensure her daughter lives a happy life. Especially after she loses the ability to send Rika back far enough to even attempt to save her parents. At that point it isn't just a desire to protect Rika, but a responsibility. The responsibility she must bear for selfishly touching the world of man and choosing to adopt a child who wasn't hers to begin with.

Sure, she places the burden of having to live through endless suffering on Rika. But at the end of the day she only wants Rika to live. She wants to see her reach her happy ending. Being lonely is just an excuse, so she doesn't have to divulge into the deep-rooted guilt she associates with her powers. Her powers are what got Rika into this mess. They're the reason Rika will never eat dinner with her family again. The reason Rika began to reject her real mother and sabotage any semblance of a good relationship she had with her. And even if Hanyuu isn't the direct cause for that, she probably still blames herself for it, as someone who meant to keep Rika safe.

She can't let Rika go until she knows for sure that she'll be fine without her. Even if she doesn't really believe it will ever happen. She needs an excuse to hold on. Because the thought of letting Rika die for real without doing everything she can to prevent it is too much to bear. Maybe Rika resents her for it. But Hanyuu is fine with that. So long as her daughter survives.

One thing I can't wrap my head around is that, if Hanyuu really truly didn't want Rika to be free, then why did she decide to put her feelings aside and fight with her in the final hour anyway? Why did she decide they'd succeed and attain happiness together when she could have easily kept Rika trapped forever and prevented her from ever accessing the final fragment? And then she leaves after Saikoroshi/Sotsu/Meguri anyway once she believes it's time for Rika to be independent. She lets go willingly despite the uncertainty, because she thinks that's what's best for Rika's development and she wants her to be able to move forward and live the normal life that was robbed from her so long. So sorry. but I can't see Hanyuu as just some irredeemable bitch who only wants Rika to suffer.

I get making the Umineko connections with Featherine and trying to come up with an explanation for how everything ties together between the connected universes is fun but this one just doesn't sit right with me.

#hanyuu furude #rika furude #higurashi no naku koro ni #higurashi when they cry #higurashi #higurashi spoilers #long post

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breakfastteatime · 10 months

Text

Shy. Nervous. Respectful. Those are the emotions radiating from Cal as he looks around his and Jaro's shared quarters. Jaro had time to move what few personal belongings he had in before collecting Cal from his (now former) clan, and he is curious to know what the little one thinks of it all.

Or, to be more accurate, he wonders what each object could tell him.

Ah. That may be part of the reason for the nerves. Although Jaro is quite certain nothing in here could cause any kind of emotional upset. However, that is not for him to judge. He is not the one gifted with psychometry after all.

"Do you sense anything alarming here?" he asks Cal.

Cal shakes his head. "There are lots of echoes though."

"Is there something you want to know more about?" Jaro is aware that Cal has been taught to rein in his curiosity where possible. They will need to find their own balance with his psychometry, especially within their own living space. "What's mine is yours, Padawan. You need not be afraid."

"It's, uh, it's not in here," Cal says. "I think it's in the 'fresher. It's kinda loud."

Most unexpected. Jaro feels an eyebrow twitch as he allows Cal to go on ahead of him. In the refresher, Cal points to an item so tiny, Jaro has to lean in to see what it is.

Of course. Master Yaddle's comb. She'd give it to him years ago, not to use (his hands are far too large) but as a reminder that she had used it to maintain his Padawan braid whenever she needed to add new markers of his successes and achievements... or whenever it simply grew out or became tangled and messy. Jaro had placed it in here for Cal to use, not thinking that Cal would be able to read its past.

"You can pick it up if you'd like," Jaro says. He crouches down to Cal's level, scoops up the comb, and holds it out to him. "I left it here for you to use, but of course I did not pause to consider the echo it may have left in the Force. It belonged to my master, long ago, and she gave it to me after I was knighted and made me promise to give it to the first Padawan I had whose hands were small enough to use it."

Cal giggles as Jaro waggles his fingers. He reaches out and plucks the comb from Jaro's palm. His gaze goes distant as the Force speaks to Cal in a language Jaro cannot understand. Honestly, he cannot even perceive what it is Cal does, only that his connection to the Force is strong and deep, albeit following a different path to the one Jaro's takes. He watches, fascinated, as Cal breaks out into a smile and laughs, returning from the past in amazement. "You were so much bigger than Master Yaddle she had to stand on a stool to reach your head even when you sat down!" he cries out in delight, both hands clutching the comb. "She really liked styling your hair. It was like meditating to her. She hummed while she worked."

"Indeed she did." Jaro had almost forgotten about that.

Cal looks up at him. "You still braid all your hair the way she used to."

"Master Yaddle was wise in all that she did."

"She... she's gone, isn't she?" Cal asks, head dipping, foot scuffing the refresher's tiled floor.

"She is, Cal."

"I'm sorry, Master."

"I know, and I do miss her, however she is one with the Force now, and I take great comfort in that." Jaro can tell Cal isn't entirely sure what that means. A lesson for another day when he is a little older, perhaps. "I will certainly share more stories about her, however, I am sure she would be very happy to know I have kept my promise and given her comb to one who can use it."

"Me?" Cal asks.

"Yes, Padawan, you."

Cal holds the comb tight. "Thanks, Master. I promise I'll look after it!"

#star wars jedi: fallen order #jfo headcanon #jfo minific #cal kestis #jaro tapal #i am in a mood #a mood for BABY CAL and BIG OL MASTER TAPAL #master yaddle #we hardly knew ye

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princess-nobody · 2 months

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I hate Quaritch but I also really adore him but I also want to bash his head open with a rock

So I have a lot of thoughts on Quaritch as a character as well as what he represents in the greater message of Avatar; I want to clarify that I admit that I have many biases, due to my very strong connection to my ethnic background, many of the themes of Avatar affect me on a more personal level. Though I usually try to put my own reactionary feelings to the side and stay objective, when it comes to this character I simply cannot do so, and therefore this will probably be my most emotionally charged Avatar take 😭

So I hate Quaritch, like deeply, as in my biggest dream is for his story to end with him being shot in the chest 2384884933 times by na'vi arrows, preferably Neytiri's arrows. Now, I've tried to unpack why he of all villains gets to me so much, because despite all of his infractions, he's not as bad as other villains that don't nearly get as much visceral hatred from me. Quaritch is far from the only unempathetic, xenophobic maniac that jumps with glee at the chance to kill some natives if it benefits his side in media, yet he's the one I want to strangle with my bare hands the most. After some deep reflection I've finally realized why.

It's because he's so real.

It's a simple answer, but it really opened my eyes to how and why so many of Avatar's themes hit such a personal cord with me; it's all so real. I remember being told by an old history professor of mine that many people have the capability to be Hitler, but few have the power to do so. He said that there are many diet Hitlers walking around, people with the same ideology, people with the same thirst for power, people with the same hatred and bigotry. It could be your barista, it could be the lady sitting beside you on the train. Hitler is not a rare individual, he was simply a politically powerful version of an individual we encounter everyday. That is to say, these evil people in history are not really uniquely evil nor are they these one dimensional beings, they are in fact what you get if you give some ordinary people more power than they need.

Now what does any of that have to do with Quaritch and how "real" I claim he is? Well, it all makes me understand that the reason my dislike for Quaritch is so much more deep-rooted than most villains is because he represents a very real, very common person. He is the overly patriotic military fanboy that treats indigenous lives as disposable, he is the America first guy that defends any and all invasions into other (often times less powerful) countries if he feels it benefits the nation. He is the anti-indigenous racist who thinks modern natives are larpers and believes historical natives were savages and that they deserved what they got. He is the terrifyingly ignorant guy who's views are so outdated that you wonder how he functions in modern society.

Now, Quaritch himself isn't really all of those things and doesn't outwardly ascribe to all of those things in either film, but his personality, position in the military and his role in the narrative of Avatar seem to – at least to me – represent what happens when you give this archetype of person the power he has. With that, as much as I hate him, I also love him for this.

Quaritch isn't unrealistic, he isn't this cartoonishly evil bad guy who only feels rage and hatred and wants to destroy Pandora just because, in fact he doesn't even want to destroy Pandora. James Cameron could have easily went with making both him and the RDA out to be these soulless evil entities that destroy and kill everything just for the fuck of it. Instead, he went with the more realistic approach, the RDA represents real life corporate greed that destroys the planet and seeks to devour anything that can make it a quick buck, and Quaritch represents the sort of bigoted, ignorant and VIOLENT man you may encounter at least once or twice a week depending.

The only difference is the one you think of when you read those words is just some guy, whilst Miles Quaritch has the power to actually act on those things. I genuinely adore this type of writing, because I feel it's very easy to detach ourselves from stories like Avatar because the antagonists are always so one dimensional and evil just because. You can't do that with Avatar, because most of what you are watching is based on and inspired by reality; there are many Quaritch-like people walking around, they just don't have the power and backing he does.

So yeah, TLDR: I hate Quaritch because of how evil he is but I also love him because of how evil he is. He's a really good villain that makes my blood boil and I actually don't mind him being the antagonist in the coming films.

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opia-tarot · 2 years

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🔞tarot reading🔞

what turns your future spouse on?

hi my darlings! This reading is about what turns your future spouse on. I had so much fun doing this reading, i love doing spicy readings. If you have any requests message me. Obviously if you're underage/a minor please go read my non 18+ readings. Please respect my boundaries. Anyway for my 18+ darlings, have fun reading! Remember i love feedback so never hesitate to tell me what u think.

how to choose a crystal

Close your eyes and take 3-4 deep breaths in and out. And then open your eyes and focus on each crystal. Pick the crystal you’re actually drawn to. You’ll feel if it’s the right one. What crystal do you keep going back to? Which one is standing out the most? Choose that one. Really take your time. You might be drawn to more crystals, this is fine. Just take what resonates from each reading

Do u like my photoshop skills?😭✋

garnet crystal

Hey pile 1!! So there is so much to say, i'm so excited to get to the juicy details. Can i just say i didn't even need to spend any time connecting to your future spouse?! They were ready to go and lemme just say this is them in a nutshell. Ready any time.

Your future spouse is a daddy or sexy mama. Proper dominance and not without anything to back it up. They are a hunter and a savage. This is someone that has no trouble getting dick/pussy. I heard that people throw themselves at them, no joke. Pile 1 never disappoints ahaha.

Pile 1 you are going to tame them. They are used to getting what they want, when they want and u aren't going be easy to seduce. They like how you reject them initially because you can see they're a bit egotistical. I'll be honest pile 1, they are a bit arrogant. But it's sexy arrogance.

So what turns them on?

An independant, confident person. They are heavily attracted to confidence and someone who does their own thing. They like being rejected by u pile 1. And guess what specific message i got? ahahah I got a message about how they like being rejected because they know they're gonna get what they want. ahaha. I got the aries card when i got this message ahaha. I'm laughing because it's just insane. They get turned on by someone who doesn't need them, someone who's working on themselves. They don't like someone who's easily available to them. The thing is they get what they want so easily, money, sex etc so they prefer a challenge. They love to see you levelling up and working on yourself.

So confidence and independance turns them on. I got a message that you'll have to be secure when you meet them, because they have an overpowering personality and they get so much attention, it could be hard to get used to if you're insecure in your own worth.

They are POSSESSIVE. Your future spouse being possessive kept showing up in the reading. They will feel very possessive over you. I kept hearing mine. Like they don't wanna share, they don't wanna even think about someone else having you. There's something about you that's going to be different from the other people they slept with. oh my gosh darlings, sorry if some of the words are questionable, I just wanna include what i get. So the exact message i got is you aren't an easy body. People throw themselves at them and they are used to this.

They feel so passionately about you, geez this is becoming a reading about how they feel about you. You turn them on. That's what turns them on ahaha. They have major player vibes but they actually really value commitment, because i got the ring card and capricorn and the 4h on my astro dice. I feel like you'll change them in a way. You'll awaken their desire to commit and settle down. They'll be more experienced than u, 100%.

They are not afraid of confrontation at all pile 1. If anyone crosses the boundary they'll do what they have to do. They are a go getter pile 1. They are a hard worker and they work even harder to ensure people respect u.

Your future spouse is going to be SEXY. Baby lemme tell u. I got the siren card, the eros card and the aries card. I also got pluto, saturn and mars cards. Like i cannot make this up. They are gonna be top level sexy. Like head turning, mouth watering sexy. I can't even explain how i felt doing this reading. I felt HOT and i had my fan on ahaha. I did see some stuff about them being way more than financially abundant. And they earned it, they worked hard to be successful.

So of course naturally they have an ego ahaha. Babe why is this reading becoming a character reading?! They are cocky if i'm being honest, i see most of you are going to be wary at first because of this. I just heard mr steal yo girl ahahah. I'm sorry but they are so funny.

Anyway so what exactly turns them on? enough rambling ahaha.

They are so kinky. Like it took 2 seconds to find out ahaha. I heard they are turned on by power and money ahaha. They love power pile 1. And this translates smoothly to the sexual dynamic. Their ego is interesting ahaha you'll see when u see the music i channelled ahaha. But you'll eventually find it endearing because you'll break past their layers, it's definitely not a facade because they're CONFIDENT but you'll see more than this.

They have a breeding kink. Like lemme tell u i got so much about breeding. They like it raw. If you like dicks, they wanna fuck without condoms definitely, if you're comfortable of course. They really like you sitting on top because you can't go anywhere. They like pushing you down while you i heard take it. ooof this is hot.

They like seeing you tied up pile 1. They like ropes specifically. chains too, most likely handcuffs. They like seeing you helpless pile 1. They are dominant. And not the type of dominance that's like obnoxious or fake. They are actually dominant and they understand the responsibility of it. Yes they are flashy and confident and their ego is a bit inflated, but they do understand the responsibility of being dominant and the role. This tells me they're 100% into bdsm. It's a necessary aspect of themselves. They can't be satisfied without it. Also they make sure you are safe and comfortable. They like staring at you and taunting you. Like you're tied up and they're like poor baby. They're wicked in bed pile 1. Absolutely wicked. They want the passion, fucking and pain, now and then depending on what you like. They like to inflict pain in bed, some of you are masochists. But if you're not a masochist ignore that. They like control pile 1, they crave it. There is something about your eyes that turns them on. Hmm i heard doe eyes. They want to control you, but of course the extent of this is up to you. I actually got this scene. They are most likely a sadist or at least a hard dom.

Their eyes are going to be very attractive, especially because of the pluto and ascendant cards and the siren card. Their eyes are going to be alluring and intense. They are going to make u face them during sex because they know their eyes intimidate u.

They like the idea of exploring kinks, especially because i think there are things you haven't experienced and they'll feel turned on because they'll introduce u to it. They get turned on when u wear either sexy lingerie or some form of sexy clothes. If you're a guy they like you having no clothes specifically.

I also saw a big strap on, so if u like women, lemme just say you're gonna be aching. This is intense. If you like guys, he's gonna be PACKING. ahaha I kept saying what's the catch? ahaha, Sexy, big dick, intelligent i mean come on ahaha. If you like women, her head game is insane ahaha, toe curling shit. If u like women, she's gonna be a femme fatale type. If you like men then he's gonna be a don jaun, mr swauve ahaha.

They have massive breeding kink. Like the idea of them impregnating u or the other way round, it has them roaring and ready.

They most likely have black hair or they like wearing black.

The idea of being stern and telling u what to do has them so horny. They also like overstimulation. Specifically they like overstimulating u, because ur reactions turn them on massively. They'll think about it often ahaha. They also get turned on by voyeurism, they're the type to fuck u against a hotel window. I got the scene from 365 days.

u turn them on very easily, like flipping a switch.

The question is what doesn't turn them on? They are KINKY. Whatever you wanna try they'll be ready.

amazonite crystal

Okay pile 2 your future spouse is a very black and white thinker. They are someone who cares about justice. I got so many cards to do with the law so I think they are definitely either a judge or an attorneys assistant or a lawyer something like that. I don’t know how many of you like lawyer shows because I kept channelling stuff from suits. But anyway this is someone who doesn’t cooperate very easily with others because they’ve accomplished a lot on my own, so they don’t feel like they need other people’s help. They have worked hard enough to be able to work on their own. I don’t know exactly what they do but they don’t work in a group setting. If they do they don't socialise or interact much. Your future spouse is very stubborn and they are someone who is very sharp. They are witty and very intelligent. They are someone who cares about facts, they don’t particularly care for the emotional aspects of things. They don’t allow their emotions to get in the way of their success. They are someone I heard either wears a suit and tie to work or they were like a pencil skirt and a blazer. Basically they wear professional attire regardless of their gender. Your future spouse is a little bit arrogant and this is because they are someone who’s very witty and very sarcastic, so they tend to outsmart people. They are successful at what they do so they have the success to sort of justify it.

Your future spouse is turned on by fluids. I got so much about fluids or liquid. Your future spouse is a fan of squirting or cream pies. Take it how resonates depending on what you like. They like to see you dripping.

Your future spouse is also turned on by softness or cuteness. Like when you aren’t experienced at something or if you are a bit clueless about something it turns them on. hard to explain but yeah. Your future spouse is turned on by threesomes. It kept coming up so much in the reading I think this is there main fantasy. They love having multiple people in their bedroom. Now I did make sure if this is something you don’t like it isn’t a deal breaker. It isn't a dealbreaker if you don't like it. Because your future spouse is also turned on by voyeurism, so if you aren’t a fan of threesomes then they would compromise by suggesting to try out voyeurism instead. They love the idea of you getting caught. Your future spouse likes role play.

Your future spouse is a big fan of having sex in outdoor places like a forest or a park or beach. They really like this and this really turns them on. You’ll become a member of the mile high club because this is a big fantasy of theirs. Your future spouse also really likes degrading during sex. They like the idea of them being stern and you being soft. Your future spouse has a very high stamina so they would like to go rounds during sex. They like making you tired. Your future spouse is very experimental. They have loads of kinks. They like to experiment and have fun, they really like sex to be fun and playful. They are so stern in their daily work they prefer to be fun and playful during sex.

carnelian crystal

⚠️trigger warning

mental health issues, trauma and food issues

Okay pile 3, so your future spouse is very soft and relaxing. When I started the reading I immediately felt relaxed and I felt very safe and comforted. Your future spouse is very soft and creative and dreamy. They are very feminine so regardless of what gender you like, they are going to be very feminine. I kept hearing the word poetic. They’ll write you poems and love notes. I literally felt lovesick and I kept hearing the word lovesick or in love. They’re like a lovesick puppy. They likely have venus on the ascendant or venus in the 1st house. This is also someone who really wants to have kids so if you’re against having kids this is definitely not your pile. Your future spouse is very child like and very creative. They get bored easily and they're always moving on to the next project and the next idea. They are a very genuine person. They know how to mediate and how to diffuse conflict. They have so much love and they honestly just want to love. They are introverted and they are a bit of a hermit. They like to spend time in nature. They have depth to them but they don’t really show this depth to people. They are sometimes too self sacrificial, they need to make more time for themselves and I think you’ll help them prioritise themselves more. They are a homebody and they are a big dreamer. I heard that they are a lover and not a fighter.

Okay so there aren’t going to be any sexual messages in this group. the cards were very clear about your future spouses sexual interests being hidden from you at this time you are not supposed to know.

This is because you have a lot of things to work on before you can even start thinking about your future spouse. So I’m gonna try and explain in detail what messages I got, just so you can know if this pile is actually your pile . There are separate messages and quite a few messages so I’m gonna try and convey each message.

Honestly most of you who picked this pile are currently struggling with some sort of mental health or health issues currently. I can definitely see there’s something really negative about your mindset or your thoughts. Some of you are dealing with some really negative thoughts at the moment, I got the nine of swords I got the ten of swords and I got the eight of swords. This is mental pain.

So to break it down some of you are very self deprecating, I see most of you struggle with imposter syndrome and you struggle with not feeling like you're enough.

Some of you are currently dealing with an eating disorder. This is very clear in the reading and I think a lot of you struggle with binge eating disorder. This over consumption stems from a lacking of some sort. I kept hearing overconsumption repeating. Speaking of overconsumption some of you are going on your phone way more than necessary. This isn’t supposed to be a lecture by the way, I just really want to make sure I get the messages out properly. Your confidence is really low at the moment.

This message about men is a reoccurring theme in a pile in the readings. like there’s always an individual pile where this is mentioned. Some of you have trauma regarding men it’s very obvious here in the reading and this could stem from your dad specifically but not necessarily, it could be a specific man or it could be a negative view of men in general.

Some of you grew up in a home where your parents were either not very committed to each other or they were very tumultuous in their relationship there were probably a lot of arguments or conflict.

Some of you are not getting enough sleep and this is because you are on your phone too much specifically. You are avoiding your issues and they are starting to catch up to you in the form of either a mental breakdown or isolation or emotional turmoil or negative thoughts. It’s time to face those issues, now is the time more than ever. It isn’t the time to focus on your future spouse or future love or anything like that. . This is the time to focus on yourself and those blockages especially mental blockages.

Sorry I’m pretty sure this isn’t what you wanted to hear but it’s what you need to hear and it’s what is necessary at this time. Some of you grew up in a home where the ideologies around sex were very warped or distorted. Perhaps you weren’t really allowed to talk about sex or it wasn’t discussed. Take what resonates so far because there are so many messages. But there’s something here about your childhood you need to heal from it. some sort of trauma, it could be from a specific parent but I see it something from childhood and it is currently destroying your mental health.

Most of you are neglecting your health specifically and you are not eating nourishing foods or you are not nourishing your body.

I see this group really struggles with moderation and balance emotionally and in other ways. You have an addictive personality and balance is even more important in this case because it’s important to become more disciplined and to have stability, especially emotional stability because I see that’s really important.

You already know I’m going to say this but it’s time to do your shadow work. Also some of you struggle with a porn addiction I see this is something a specific group of you deal with. Some of you could have also been cheated on but this is a very specific message and it doesn’t apply to most of you.

I wanted to get a message on what positive things are coming because I don’t want the reading to end on a negative tone. So this is a time where you have to put in the work, this isn’t a time of serendipity or luck. You have to make changes on your own. No one else can make you make those changes. you have to want it enough to be able to make a change and to be able to really start healing those wounds. It isn’t your fault that’s something you need to hear, it isn’t your fault. Some of u are really blaming yourself for some things, it isn’t your fault but regardless it’s your responsibility to start facing those wounds.

The positive things coming in are u are going to start working on your self perception and when you start working on your self perception this is going to cause a very dramatic change in your health. These dramatic changes are going to lead to a new path and a new course in your life. It’s almost like an ultimatum. This cycle is not going to come in until you start releasing the wounds from your past. Some of you need to get a therapist specifically. Some of you are afraid to open up or to ask for help. there is going to be a new course, there is going to be a time where you are stable and confident in yourself but it starts when you start working on yourself. Because that is going to be the catalyst towards a very positive cycle.

Tiger’s 👁 crystal

Hey pile 4! If you’ve read my other future spouse pick a cards, then you already know I like to channel their personality specifically and then get to the sexual stuff or whatever else is. Your future spouse has a very impressive vibe. They have two sides to them. In public they are friendly charismatic and funny. But in bed they are completely different. But we’ll get to the sexual stuff in a bit. They are very rebellious when they want to do something they don’t care about anyone’s opinions, they grow after it. they are a go getter and they are a person who makes things happen. They don’t sit and wait for the right time or a moment where they feel it’s the right time to go after something, they just go and they do it and they don’t care. They are an extremely hard worker. They are someone people admire and look up to, they are respected by people. They are someone who’s specifically financially abundant. They travel for work and they either have people working under them or they do a creative passion professionally. They don’t work for anyone, they are a leader or a boss they definitely either have their own business or they work a creative profession. But either way they definitely travel for work, their work is a bit spontaneous. I do see they rebelled against their family in some way, they could have either left home unexpectedly or they pursued a profession their family didn’t support. That’s a very big message I got. They are someone who worked very very hard to get to where they are this wasn’t luck or serendipity this was hard work. I really respect your future spouse because they seem so hard working and so laser focused on their future. They wanted success so they worked for it. It’s so impressive and it’s definitely something you’re going to admire about them. I specifically got a message about them possibly being a libra rising, or having a mars-uranus aspect. They don’t work have a conventional profession, they do something that’s unconventional something to do with creativity and something where they don’t work for anyone. They are very passionate and they’re very passionate about their work. They care about their work and this is significant because most people don’t really work in professions they care about and just do what they have to do to make money but they work in a profession where they get to be a leader and they get to make decisions.

Honestly I didn’t get much sex stuff but I got some other messages I did get a few sexual messages but not a lot. So your future spouse is really going to like the learning aspect of sex, they’re going to like to help you learn things about sex and it's really going to be a safe learning environment. What turns them on is them knowing more about sex or having more more experience than you. You’re going to be blooming with them they’re really going to like nurturing you in a sexual way so they’re almost like watering you, does this make sense? I don’t know how to explain that. But I got a message about them wanting you to be their plant they can nurture and basically make you grow so you can develop and learn things about sex. They’re going to be very committed and your marriage is going to be amazing. They’re going to like seeing you go from a younger and perhaps more closed off aspect of yourself to a very confident and sexy aspect of you. You are going to really transform. I do see your future spouse is sexual but I literally could not find out anything and this is because of what I mentioned earlier about your future spouse having two sides to their personality, so their sexual nature is very hidden. So I wasn’t allowed to get any messages about it.

But I’ll say some of you are quite discouraged at the moment or maybe a bit tired in general. I think some of you are quite discouraged about your manifestations on whether they’re happening or not. I can see some of you are thinking quite negatively about your manifestations And you’re wondering if it’s actually going to happen and if it’s worth manifesting anymore. Baby it's definitely going to happen. I got the eight of wands and the 10 of tentacles. I do see there is going to be something very celebratory. I literally was not allowed to find out when this is going to happen by the way. You are going to get whatever you are manifesting and if you’re not manifesting this is a message telling you this is a great time to manifest. Sometimes manifestations are blocked at a certain point for a reason but now is the time to manifest if you haven’t been already. But I do see most of you have been. There is going to be an opening where these manifestations are coming in. I mean seriously this is such a beautiful spread. But it’s just when it’s going to happen is when it’s going to happen. I tried and tried to find out when and I literally kept getting cards about fate so it’s just going to happen when it’s supposed to. What you need to focus on is manifesting and changing your perspective. There’s a clear message here about you needing to change your perspective in regards to your manifestations. See it from a different perspective see it from a different angle. There’s a reason why you haven’t got your manifestations yet.

So I decided to get a message about what you should be working on before you meet your future spouse. Some of you are pretty avoidant or closed off to love or just people in general. It's not anything severe but I think you’re sceptical of people’s intentions. Some of you have a heart chakra blockage so that’s something you should be working on at the moment.

Another message I got is you should be working on exploring sex by yourself at the moment. Because I got a message about you being able to be comfortable with someone else when you’re comfortable alone. You aren’t going to be able to love someone else if you can’t love yourself. And you’re not going to be able to like sex if you aren’t comfortable being sexual alone.

So I got a very clear message to explore your sexuality and figure out what you like. Because this is going to allow you to be more comfortable when you meet your future spouse. I literally got a message about you scheduling masturbation. So even if you’re busy make time to explore yourself and masturbate or whatever it may be, be intimate by yourself. It doesn’t have to necessarily be sexual but intimacy alone is important. Your manifestations are coming and they’re coming sooner than you think, but work on these things in the mean time and stop stressing. I can’t tell you what I’m not supposed to tell you but you are going to see big changes. I channelled this scene from Coraline and it really represents the transition towards the next stage of your life. The stage where your manifestations have fabricated and where you are not going to be in a waiting period anymore. It’s going to be unexpected. congrats pile 4 you’re nearly there.

rhodonite crystal

Hey pile 5! So you already know I like to channel your future spouse before I get to the sexual messages. So your future spouse is someone who is very traditional. Regardless of their gender they have traditional morals and traditional outlooks. They believe in marriage and they believe in having a traditional role in the relationship. They believe in traditional gender roles. I do see they have a belief system. They are very self assured and they believe in themselves. They are someone who’s not afraid to put the work in to meet their goals and I do see they are successful to some degree, it will be with in varying degrees for everyone. But they’ve worked really hard to get to where they are, they did not get a silver spoon and they did not have it easy. There is someone who really believes in equality and they believe in justice. They are extremely intelligent and very philosophical. They are also someone who is physically attractive, I do see this. They are someone who is admired for their outer appearance. They are alluring. The way they present themselves or their style and their appearance is attractive. They’re going to be sexually attractive or at least very sensual. They turn people on is a message I got. Your future spouse is going to be either a leo taurus or aries rising (possibly aqua rising). Which makes sense considering they are sexually attractive or very sensual in their appearance. Anyway your future spouse could have venus in the first house also. They could also have Jupiter in the 3rd house.

Your future spouse is going to spark some insecurities in you because if you like someone who's more masculine or you want a man then they are going to be traditionally masculine meaning they are going to believe in financially spoiling you and really giving you what you need etc. So this is an aspect that could cause you to become a bit uncomfortable or insecure. this is something you’re going to have to release and get used to. It could also be because they are very self assured and they are successful to some degree. You could feel insecure because you’re not at the place or same level as them but they don’t care. They don’t care, they’re going to marry you so that’s what matters.

So a big message I got to work on any insecurities you have and work on releasing these insecurities before you meet them. Because this person is very confident and they’re very self-assured, it’s a very very quiet or more silent confidence this isn’t someone who is going to be a look at me I’m amazing sort of person they're going to be a confident silent type. your future spouse thinks about money often and they do stress about it quite often they tend to overwork themselves even when it’s not necessary.

Some of you are going to have a very financially abundant future spouse I do see some of you are going to have a wealthy future spouse.

It’s split like 50-50 so I do see half of you are going to have a wealthy future spouse and half of you are going to have a future spouse who is financially comfortable and they are working towards wealth or financial abundance.

So the sexual messages….

I’ve got quite a few, so what turns on your future spouse is communication in the bedroom or in general. They really value a healthy communicator.

But in a sexual aspect they really like degrading or being degraded. I heard wait until we get home so I do see them teasing you or whispering in your ear in public or they like this that sort of thing. Saying sexy things to them is really gonna turn them on, like this is a very big message in the reading. Your future spouse also really likes hygiene so they really gonna like scents or lotions that sort of thing. Like when you smell nice this is really going to turn on your future spouse they are really gonna like this.

They also like a sexual dynamic where there’s a clear submissive and dominant. They like to have a very obvious dynamic. Like a consistent dynamic. I don’t know if this makes sense but they like to be the more dominant person in general. I actually got a message about them being a ladykiller. It doesn’t matter what gender you like but this is what I got so they are very smooth. It’s weird because when I was channelling the sexual portion of the reading I got surprised, like I was quite surprised at how smooth and seductive they are when it comes to their sexual interests and how they express themselves sexually. They like to seduce and what really turns me on is when you have this game of cat and mouse where they get to chase. They want to seduce you. I really do see it’s them seducing you, they really like chasing after you, they really like it when you play hard to get so they can put in the work.

Your future spouse really gets turned on when you’re open minded to their sexual interests im not sure how to explain this clearly. When you can embody their sexual interests it really turns them on. So for example they could say it really turns me on when u wear purple lingerie for example and you go out of your way to do that it really turns them on. It’s just an example.

Your future spouse loves a challenge and they like it when you make it more difficult for them. Take that as it resonates but they really like it when you pretend to not be interested or when you’re a bit bitchy. They like it when the bedroom becomes a bit messy sometimes or almost like a battle.

sexual healing by marvin gaye

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