#angs

[pinchofhoney]

yellow lights

gif is not mine, credit to the owner

ben barnes x fem!reader

word count: 2.9k

warning: language, anger, stupid behaviors, angst with a happy end!

summary: Recently, Ben has been burdened with an excessive workload. Despite appearing tired and agitated, he attempted to conceal his feelings. Due to his busy schedule, he could not even take a day off. What will occur when, after a challenging day at work, he returns home and a trivial question leads to an argument that would not typically happen?

a/n: this little piece of my work was my first request ever, so i’m pretty excited to share this with you!! i hope that the level of drama is high enough, @wolfmoonmusic​ hahah. i’d also like to tell you from this place that my mailbox is open and if you want, write freely with your requests<33 the only thing i do not write is smut! (english is not my first language, i apologize for any mistakes in advance). the longer fragment in italics is a flashback!!

You were sitting in the kitchen, at a small table, holding a mug of steaming hot tea between your hands. The watch on the oven pointed quarter to midnight. You sighed quietly and looked around helplessly at the cozy kitchen shrouded in twilight. The only source of light in the room was a small lamp over the kitchen stove. Before leaving on set this morning, Ben promised you that he would come home earlier this time. Just as he did for the last five days, but not once did he manage to keep his word. The last two months have been tough. You hardly saw Ben at all, you passed each other all the time. Filming schedules, interviews, conventions and other press conferences were constantly getting in your way. Even in his free time, Ben was so overtired by meetings with hundreds of people that he preferred to spend hours alone at the piano writing new songs rather than with you. Your birthday was coming up, and you hoped that at least on that one day you would have Ben all to yourself. You ran your hand over your tired face and then pulled yourself up from the chair. I won't sit here like this, you thought. You weren't even sure if Ben would show up at home yet today. You took your phone out of your bathrobe pocket and looked at the way too bright screen, but saw no notification. You reached for the light switch and then went to the upstairs bedroom, being careful not to spill tea on yourself or the floor.

You have been dating Ben for over a year. Every day at this man's side was wonderful and you were grateful for every moment you could spend with him. You met by accident. Literally, by accident. And the whole situation looked like it was taken straight from some romantic book or movie. You thought that in real life such things are unlikely to happen, but it's safe to say that you had an (un)lucky day.

You met in a moderately crowded cafe on the city's outskirts. Met? A better choice of word would be "crashed". Literally. You bumped into him with all the istrenght you could possibly have, because by the fact that you were craving your morning coffee, you were late for the job interview you so desperately wanted. You wanted that coffee, so you had it. At least at first, because after you bumped into the tall stranger, the coffee was everywhere but your paper cup held in your hand. You stood shocked in the middle of the cafe, looking at the dark drink flowing from the man's bright sweatshirt. You closed your eyes, lowering your head and biting your lower lip, afraid of what view you would find when you looked at your new suit. You heard the stranger say something to you, but you didn't pay the slightest attention to it, because you felt like crying when you saw your stained pants.

“Hey” you finally heard, feeling the man's hand on your wrist. You came to your senses from your inner tragedy with a brief glance at the stranger in front of you, then looked around the cafe. The embarrassment came over you. You felt your cheeks begin to turn red, and just then you lifted your head slightly to get a proper look at the man taller than you.

He was handsome. Very handsome, which made you embarrassed even more. His eyes were so dark you could have sworn they were black, and there was a small mole under one of them, adding to his charm. You thought you had already seen him somewhere, but this wasn't the time for another distraction. There was a bedraggled man standing in front of you, your morning coffee was both on the floor and on your clothes, and besides, you could already say goodbye to your dream job. The dark-eyed man didn't seem to be angry at you, you even had the feeling that, seeing your expression and blushed cheeks, he was amused. You immediately began apologizing, reaching into your canvas cotton bag on your shoulder to find tissues.

“I’m so sorry” you began to repeat over and over again, pulling out tissues with a shaking hand. Again, you knew that the man was saying something to you, but the sound of blood pulsing in your ears and the rush of thoughts kept you from understanding his words.

The moment you reached out your hand with the tissue you were holding toward the stranger's hoodie, he stopped it. “It won't work” he said. “Coffee has already soaked into the fabric” he added, seeing your confused expression.

He excused you for a moment and, being careful not to spread the spilled coffee all over the place, walked over to the front counter and asked for some cloth so that you could clean up the mess. After returning to you, he started wiping the floor, to at which you immediately crouched down next to him, saying that you would take care of it yourself. In response, the man only asked you to move over and dealt with the coffee puddle on his own.

You had a moment to get a better look at the stranger and a wild thought suddenly popped into your head. Wasn't it an actor from Narnia that you loved so much when you were younger? You immediately shook your head, amused by your idea. What was he supposed to be doing here?

After cleaning up the coffee tragedy, the man offered to buy you another drink, buying one for himself as well, after which you left the cafe in awkward silence.

“I’m sorry…” you said again, stopping in front of the building, looking hesitantly at the black-eyed man.

“Where were you in such a hurry that you didn't even notice me?” he asked, stopping a short distance from you. You awkwardly scratched the back of your head.

“For a job interview I can already forget about” you replied, moving your gaze to your stained clothes.

Your conversation wasn't long, but you could have sworn it was the most awkward conversation of your entire life. On top of that, you couldn't get rid of the thought that the stranger standing in front of you was Prince Caspian. This is not how you imagined meeting Prince Charming as a little girl.

The moment you said goodbye, you felt a huge relief. You wanted to go home as quickly as possible and forget the whole unfortunate incident. Before splitting off to go your separate ways, the man asked you for your phone number so that you could repay him for dousing him with still-hot coffee. You didn't question his idea, even though you should be the one asking for the number, not the other way around.

You were already about to walk away when you stopped again and turned toward him. “What’s your name?” you asked.

“I’m Ben, and you?” he replied with a bright smile.

“Y/N” you returned the warm smile, then waved him off and left as fast as you could.

You were halfway up the stairs when you heard the sound of a key turning in the lock, which brought you out of your thoughts. Ben. Part of you wanted to immediately run out to greet him, but to be honest you were already tired of his constant absence. Despite living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed, you missed him. It was ridiculous. You weren't even sure when was the last time you had a quiet moment to yourself.

These last two months, you felt like you were standing at a yellow light warning you of potential harm. Telling you to stop. You felt as if your relationship had stuck and you didn't know if you could make another move.

Hearing that Ben had already entered the house, you headed further into the bedroom. After walking into your room, you placed a mug of tea on the bedside table, climbed under the warm quilt and leaned back against the pillows, reaching for a book you had recently started.

You heard Ben hang around the kitchen. You heard him walk up the stairs and go into the bathroom, where, after a while, he turns on the shower and gets under the stream of warm water. Normally you'd love to join him, but not today. You felt that you had distanced yourself from each other.

After several minutes, right when you were finishing the chapter, Ben slightly opened the door peeking inside.

“Aren't you sleeping yet?” he asked in a softened voice and entered the bedroom. You put the book down on the bedside table. He was wearing the Paddington bear pajamas you bought him for Christmas as a joke, and his wet hair was arranged in a lovely disarray. He didn't look like a forty-year-old. He looked like a boy who needs a hug. At the thought of this, your heart flooded with warmth, and your mood got automatically better.

“No, I was waiting for you” you replied, and when the man took the spot next to you, you snuggled up to him right away. You felt his strong arm wrap around your waist and a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

“You smell like strawberries again” he said, sniffing your hair once more. You laughed and got more comfortable so you could listen to his heartbeat.

“How was it at work?” you asked closing your eyes. In response, you heard Ben sigh.

“Terribly, I can't count how many times we had to repeat scenes because someone got the script wrong” Ben began smoothing your back with his fingertips.

“You all are already exhausted… when will you have some time off?”

“Honestly? Have no idea…” he ran his hand over his tired face, pausing longer on the beard. “On top of that, it turned out that someone misinformed us and the red carpet is earlier than it should be”

“What do you mean by earlier?” you moved away from Ben so you could look at him. You propped yourself up on one elbow.

“The first version was that the premiere is happening next month only, so we still have plenty of time for any preparations. It turned out that the premiere is in two weeks. I don't know what kind of moron at the top got the dates so mixed up” he replied annoyed, sighing loudly.

“Two weeks exactly?” you furrowed your eyebrows. “My birthday is in two weeks… I thought we would spend the day together…” you raised to a sitting position. Ben didn't answer for a long time, wandering his eyes at the ceiling.

“I know, love. I thought so too, but I cannot not show up at the premiere when I play the lead character” he hesitantly shifted his gaze to you.

“Can't you take me with you?” with this one question, you felt how the whole still positive atmosphere between you changed instantly.

“We have discussed this topic many times before, Y/N. I'm going to sleep” he said coldly, turning sideways with his back to you. “Turn off the light, good night”

Yes, you talked about it many times, and you still didn't understand why he didn't want to change his mind. Why he didn't want to show you to the world, why he didn't want to publicly announce that he was dating someone. It has always been the same. Instead of taking part in important moments in Ben's life, you spent your time at home, watching him enjoy himself in pictures with his co-actors. Every time he left, you felt like he was simply ashamed of you. Why? Because you weren't popular?

“Why?” you asked, staring at his back.

“What why?” he asked without flinching to look at you.

“Why don't you want to admit that you are dating someone? That this someone is me?”

“Y/N, I've told you a million times why-”

“And I told you that I don't care about losing my privacy” you interrupted him, raising your voice. “I want to be there with you, Ben. I know how important these premieres are to you, and you don't even give me a chance to enjoy them with you” you watched as your boyfriend sat down and brought his gaze to you filled with both tiredness and irritation.

“Y/N-” he began again, but once again you didn't give him a chance to finish the sentence.

“And bloody hell, it's my birthday. Where were you for Christmas? Where were you on your birthday? You certainly weren't here, with me. Lately you've been celebrating everything with your work friends, and it's perfectly okay if you prefer to spend important dates with them… But I want you to spend my day with me”

“You knew what you were getting into by agreeing to this fucking relationship” he said, getting out of bed. Seeing that you were going to interrupt him again, he pointed a finger at you. “Stop it. Life doesn't look like in the movies, Y/N. Surprise!” he said more loudly with feigned enthusiasm. After a moment, however, he returned to an indifferent expression on his face, driving his dark gaze into you. “You know I just can't suddenly say sorry, I have to go home because my girlfriend would like to spend my birthday with me. We can celebrate them on any other day! It's not that important!”

“Only problem is that lately we don't spend time with each other at all, because once you're home you'd rather sit at the damn piano than with me!”

“That damn piano at least doesn't say bullshit like you” he snarled and immediately left the bedroom.

You heard him coming down the stairs, but after a while nothing came to you anymore. You stared in stupor at the spot where Ben was standing just a moment ago. What did he say? This exchange of words seemed so absurd to you that you didn't even know how to react. You could have navigated the conversation differently. You didn't have to argue. You could have simply nodded at the premiere announcement and kept silent about your disappointment. Did he suggest that you are annoying that's why he prefers to spend his spare time at the piano? You moved your eyes to the bedroom door, frowning your eyebrows at the same time.

It took a few minutes before you decided to get out of bed. With your head full of chaotic thoughts, you left the bedroom and went down the stairs to look for Ben. The entire downstairs was plunged into darkness. You thought he might have left the house, but after all, you didn't hear him do it. Besides, he was wearing teddy bear pajamas, he couldn't have left like that. Finally, you heard a quiet sniff coming from the living room. With furrowed brows, you entered the room, being careful not to bump into any furniture.

“Ben?” you asked in a lowered voice, but received no answer. You reached your hand to the light switch, located on your right on the wall, and turned it on. You noticed Ben sitting by the piano, playing with his hands with his hair falling over his face. He didn't raise his eyes at you. “Ben” you repeated a little louder, approaching him. As soon as you were next to him he raised his head and you noticed his eyes reddened from crying.

“I'm tired” he said in a breaking voice. “Sorry, I didn't mean to say such things… it's totally not true, love” Ben straightened up, looking at you. You took another step, standing between his legs, and took his face in your hands, rubbing the wet mark on his cheek with your thumb.

“I know, it’s okay” you tried to sound warm, but somewhere in the back of your head you still heard the words for which he had just apologized. Ben cuddled up to you, resting his head on your stomach because of the low level he was sitting on. “I shouldn't bring up this topic”

“I'll take you with me to this premiere. I'll introduce you to the whole world and be proud of you. And later we'll go to your birthday party. I'll organize it, take care of everything. Just be there with me” he said when you started petting his hair. “But tell me, are you sure about this? Are you sure you can handle it if people poke their noses into your private life because of me?” he asked, pulling his head up so he could look up to you.

“I am, Ben. One hundred percent sure” you began to smile, unable to believe that you will finally appear at the event you have always silently dreamed of. By the side of your boyfriend. You bent down to kiss him, while he began to stand up to finally change the height difference between you.

“I love you, I'm sorry for the earlier situation…” he assured once again stroking your cheek with his thumb.

#ben barnes #ben barnes x you #ben barnes x reader #ben barnes imagine #ben barnes fluff #ben barnes angst #x reader #angs #fluff

[lesvii]

Emotion (Part 1)

Part 2: https://www.tumblr.com/lesvii/723352052120666112/emotion-part-2

Chapter 1: Relationship

Your relationship with El Sin Nombre did escalate pretty quickly. When you first arrived to the cartel quarters or well more like not in your will, at first at least. You've never had a big fight with her, she always treats you very differently, as for her man that work for her, she has no mercy, the way she shouts at them, you're so glad that you're not treated like one of the man that work for her.

``No te quiero volver aquí cabrón, me escuchaste?`` (I don’t wanna see you here, you fucker)

Valeria shouted back in Spanish at the man in front of her desk, he looked like he shitted himself, scared, trembling, probably scared for his life. You were organizing some papers in valeria office on the other side of the room.

The man practically rushed through the door not looking back at Valeria or you.

“Poor guy looked like he was seeing the death itself”Y/N said not looking at Valeria.

and continuing what I was doing.

You felt the light shifting and a body moving closer to you, behind your back a faint hot breath, you felt a chill down your back, everytime you felt that kind of chill It drives you crazy. Y/N stopped for a moment what you were doing, organising some papers, not turning back.

“Did I tell you to stop your work?” Valeria whispered to your ear.

“N-No. Sorry” Y/N said with a faint shiver.

Continuing your work, you felt a heavy hand tracing down your back and grabbing on to your waist. She pulled up Y/N hair to put some faint kisses down the back of your neck. Y/N breathing shifted to a agitated one, Valeria knew what she was doing, she loved teasing. But she was careful when it was at work, you don’t want your enemy’s to find a way to bring you down in a painful way, you didn’t care, in a way. You knew the whole world Valeria was working on, Mafia.

But you’re still here.

With her.

“How about we go out tonight, forget about our worries and then finish in my bed” Valeria said confidently supporting her face in Y/N neck.

“That sounds like a great plan” Y/N chuckled.

“Great then… see you at 8 pm” Valeria stopped the embrace and spanked your ass.

“Hey! I thought the work zone was a “let’s be professional”. Y/N said crossing my arms

“Hmm.. really? Don’t remember. Well I’m still the boss around so that doesn't apply to me then”

Valeria chuckled.

I loved seeing her happy, like if she wasn’t ready to load her gun from her back pocket just 5 minutes ago and shoot that poor guy. Sometimes Valeria… could be explosive with her emotions, I guess this work breaks you a lot mentally and physically. I cannot imagine all the stress she has to bear, she cannot look weak to anyone, since man’s in this business sees woman’s as weak. But they don’t know Valeria, El Sin Nombre, and believe me they don’t want to know her like I do.

Y/N finished working in Valeria’s office.

“Amor, I’m done, I just need to grab a few things from my office and change, see you in a few hours” Y/N said.

Placing a faint kiss on Valeria’s forehead, she didn’t look back at her, her eyes were glued to those papers she had on her hands, reading them, seemed like something really important, but murmured a faint “ok”. Y/N worked for Valeria but Valeria always kept some information to herself, she didn’t want to compromise the life of Y/N no more than already is.

Y/N closed the door from El Sin Nombre office, some tall scary guys standing in front of the door, Valeria always had people protecting her, with all this thing of being a cartel leader, extra protection is always important, it can be your last day and you’ll never know.

The drive to your house wasn’t that far, actually like 15 minutes by car, you where in the back seat lost in the thought that you forgot to hear the driver.

“Miss we're here, do you want me to take you somewhere else’s?” Said the driver.

“No Juan, thanks I’ll be waiting for Valeria” Y/N replied with a warm smile and opened the door from the car.

You took a few steps toward the big entrance to your mansion, you’ll never get enough of it. Y/N knew that Valeria had… well money, but to expect you’ll both be living in a huge mansion, that was amazing but unexpected, sometimes scary it was way too big, easy to be lost, easy for someone to sneak into the hundred rooms in the night and kill your lover. But you knew Valera personal quarters specially this state had the maximum security imposible for enemies to enter and kill her off, at least without them knowing.

By the time you were taking a shower, and dressing on was 7:30 PM, a little late for your liking and Valeria was still not home, though you thought she got busy last minute by something quick, nothing to worry about, after all, it’s been weeks since you two went out, had a normal couple talk, this past few months had been exhausting for both of you, physically and mentally, the cartel has been taking a lot of Valeria time, and you knew what you were signing for the moment you accepted you had feelings for her, it wasn’t going to be an easy road to be fair.

8:00 PM

Still no sign of Valeria.

That was kinda weird since if she couldn’t have come she would have called you back and postponed the dinner, but you still decided to wait, you didn’t want to interrupt her by calling or texting so you decided you were going to wait just a little bit.

8:30 PM

Not trying to be paranoid but you were starting to get anxious, you went downstairs looking for some personal to ask if someone knew where Valeria was or if she had communicated with any, not trying to sound suspicious or anything. Everyone denied having any contact with the boss, so you went back upstairs. Jumped to the big king bed, the sheets still smelled like her, you decided to wait it out just a few more minutes until the tiredness got the best of you and fell asleep.

#el sin nombre #valeria garza #cod #valeria garza cod #valeria garza x fem!reader #lesbian #call of duty #call of duty valeria #cod fanfic #cod modern warfare #fluff #angs #smut #valeria garza is a lesbian <3

[angelkissiies]

mother of mine

ellie williams x maternal!reader

cw : mother!reader, mother/daugher relationship, mentions of death, blood, canon game violence. angst. hurt no comfort.

wc : 1.2k

His blood still stained your hands as you left the vase on his grave, the glass filled with peace lilies you’d found somewhere along the way. No matter how much you scrubbed, the crimson seemed to be engraved into the ridges of your hands. A constant reminder of his death. You swiped off some of the snow that accumulated on his headstone, letting your fingers trace over the lettering of his name. It didn’t feel real, somewhere along the way you’d fallen into some false sense of security. One that promised you that he’d always be around, that you’d never have to live without him. 

Yet, here you were. 

“Mom?” Ellie’s voice drew you from your thoughts, accompanied by her trembling hand on your shoulder. She’d been with you when it all went down, seeing firsthand the massacre that was Joel's death. You’d blamed yourself, mostly, for not being more vigilant- for not being able to protect them when it all came down to it. The truth was, you’d spent every day since then regretting not being there sooner, not being able to spare your poor daughter the trauma of seeing her chosen father die. 

You blinked your tears away, looking up towards the girl, giving her a small smile as you came to stand up. “Hey, bug.” You hummed, wiping your hands off on your jeans as you regained your composure. If there was one thing you made sure not to do, it was breakdown around Ellie. She’d been through too much already, you didn’t want her to worry about you at the same time. She came first, even when you’d barely been able to bring yourself to eat or sleep- she always came first. 

She looked so tired, bruises decorating her right eye in a mosaic of blue and purple. The sight took you back to that night, to the sound of her screams as she begged for Joel’s life, you felt your stomach churn. “I’ve been looking for you, Maria told me you might've been here. I would’ve come sooner but-” 

You cut her off, nodding. You understood why she didn’t come, she didn’t need to explain herself. Joel’s death hit her particularly hard, considering how close they’d become over the past few years. Though lately, they’d been in a rocky patch- something you thought would just blow over with time. God, if you’d only known how short that time would’ve been cut. “What’s going on, Bug?” You asked, shifting from foot to foot as you watched her eyes cloud with uncertainty. “Talk to me.” It wasn’t like Ellie to be so nervous, yet you’d let that thought go considering how much she’d seen. Her actions didn’t need justification or explanation, she just simply was- and that was enough for you. 

Because every day you woke up expecting it to be next to Joel, only to be in a cold empty bed. 

Every day you accidentally made twice the amount of coffee necessary. 

Every day you looked at his laundry that sat awaiting the washing machine, knowing you’d never bring yourself to wash them.

Every day you saw his face, bloody and discolored as he died reaching out for his daughter.

Every day you heard her screams. 

Every day you found comfort in the knowledge that the only child you’d ever have was alive, despite everything, she was alive. 

“I’m leaving.” Ellie blurted out, wrapping her arms around herself as she looked to you for a reaction. At that moment she felt like time had completely stopped, frozen in that second as you stared at her with an expression that reminded her of a kicked puppy. Her eyes were shifty, glancing between you and Joel’s mound of dirt as she reaffirmed her decision. Even if you didn’t understand, in some ways, she was doing this for you too. She was doing it for the light she’d watch smother behind your eyes at the nonstop grief that lingered around you. 

You didn’t speak, feeling nauseous as you felt your heart skip a beat. “W-what?” You finally managed, a wave of confusion crashing over you as you reached out for her. This wasn’t real, there was no way that this could be real. After everything the two of you had been through, she was leaving? That couldn’t be right, it couldn’t. This had to be some kind of sick joke, something done to scare you into being a better mother. Because even that would be kinder than the former. 

The girl took a step back, avoiding your touch. “I’m going to Seattle to find them.” She explained, her heart hammering in her chest as she looked down at the thin layer of icy snow. It was something she felt like she had to do, seeing no other way to continue to live with herself. Though her solemn expression didn’t communicate it, her tears had been replaced with a burning rage. A need to find the people that did this to her dad, your husband. “I’m leaving tomorrow.” She knew it was going to take more than this to make you let her go and as much as it hurt her- she’d realized what she needed to do. 

“Ellie, no.” You laughed in disbelief, the inescapable sadness settling back in as you looked at the girl you’d practically raised. In all of the years, you’d had the joy of caring for her and becoming the mother she needed- you never thought you’d be here, shoulders shaking as silent sobs attempted to escape your mouth. You couldn’t decide whether you were angry or upset, a mix of emotions bubbling over as hot tears came to spill down your chapped cheeks. You’d cried so much they were raw from the constant rubbing. “You’re not going. Tell me you’re not going.” 

Her face was like stone, unmoving as you pleaded with her. She hated this, she wanted nothing more than to fall into your arms and stay there but the aching in her chest called for something more. Love couldn’t heal the damage done by Joel’s death, nothing but revenge could ease the ache. “I’m sorry, mom.” She had to hurt you. That’s the only way she’d be able to slip from the emotional grip you had on her heart. 

You felt a hole open up in your chest, lip trembling as you tried to rationalize this. There had to be some way to make this better, someway to keep the family you’d created together. Yet, as you searched your brain for an answer, it all began to fall apart. The walls you’d built to protect her from your own grief came tumbling down in a messy combination of tears and gasps. “Ellie, my girl, please.” You sniffled, a hand moving to rest upon your heart, in some failed attempt to calm yourself. “I-i can't lose you too. Please, don’t do this. We can figure something out.” 

Ellie was the only thing you had left. The only real connection you’d made in the past five years, despite all of the roadblocks you’d run into. You two always seemed to make it out on top, being by each other's side first as friends and now as a family. Fuck, she’d even started calling you mom about a year ago- just out of the blue- completely unprompted by Joel or yourself. It warmed you, knowing how much you meant to her, yet now as you begged her to stay- you saw the familiar withdrawal enter her body from all those years ago. She was keeping you at arm's length, not letting you get too close. 

“Bug-,”

“I’m going and it would be better if you didn’t try to stop me, (y/n).” 

#this sucks lowkey #tlou #tlou2 #ellie williams #x reader #the last of us #tlou part 2 #tlou 2 #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x maternal!reader #x maternal!reader #ellie x maternal!reader #joel miller #ellie miller #tommy miller #angs #angst #ellie williams ff #ellie willaims angst #bella ramsey #pedro pascal #tlou hbo #hbo tlou #hbo the last of us #the last of us part 2

[vamossainz55]

The Fight (Carlos Sainz Jr. x Reader) - Part 1

a/n: hey everybody!! so this was requested by anon (as seen above). i did not fully follow the req as the fight wasn't before leaving the GP but the GP is thrown there somewhere. i actually really liked the prompt since its a bit more challenging and i rarely ever write angsty. i have divided it into two parts, so part 2 coming soon! (@ anon pls send another request for part 2 if you want a notif and i will reply to that, but if not i will tag part 2 here). i hope you enjoy bc i had a lot of fun writing this one. hoping to have part 2 up next week! excited to watch zandvoort this weekend, gutted to be in NL and not be able to see it in person. THE FACT THAT I AM MISSING OUT ON SEEING CARLOS IN PERSON? ON HIS BDAY WEEKEND? robbed. very vamossainz55phobic. anyways.. you didn't hear it from me but putting out a danny ric req out soon <3

summary: carlos and you fight for the first time. it doesn't end well.

tw: dickhead carlos, swearing, and honestly kinda sad? it will get better part 2 tho.

enjoy <3<3<3

The Fight (3.2k words) - part 1

The thing is, you didn’t expect it to be this hard when it started. Looking back though, you should've seen it coming.

It had already been five months since you started dating Carlos and the five months felt both like five minutes and five years. It was crazy how fast time had passed since you had met him and although five months wasn’t that long, you really did feel like you had known him for forever. The memory of you two meeting still made you both laugh because of how random it had been. 

You had been visiting Singapore with some of your friends, around the same time as the Singapore GP, and sure you knew a bit about F1 but not much apart from the basics. You had followed the sport a bit with your dad when you were younger, so you were pretty familiar with the classic names of Lewis Hamilton, Sebastian Vettel, Fernando Alonso, but you had no clue about any of the new and younger drivers. 

The only thing you knew now about F1 was that it was driving you crazy. Every single area in Singapore was crowded, from clubs, to touristy destinations, to restaurants. You had scattered around the city trying your best to get some peace and quiet but the flood of F1 fans practically made it impossible. It’s not like you didn’t want them having fun, but it was frustrating you that it was at the expense of your own vacation. 

To top it all off, it had been rumored that several of the drivers were staying at your hotel which made it practically impossible to get in without being tagged as a fan trying to crash the hotel. 

You quietly waited for the elevator, crossing your arms over your chest as you looked at the numbers slowly switching. You were tired and frustrated, having had to argue with the security once again, trying to remind him that you had been staying in the hotel a good two days before the F1 drivers had arrived. Your friends had decided to go out to a club that evening but you were too tired to tag along so there you were, ready to go to bed and sleep in the next morning. 

You hear footsteps coming towards you, assuming that another guest was trying to get to their room too so you give them a quick smile before looking back at the elevator doors. You don’t even realize how frustrated you look with your arms crossed against your chest and your foot gently tapping the floor. You only snap out of it when you hear the stranger speak up. 

“Rough day?” He asks, and you can’t help but give him a brief glance, seeing that he was by himself. You also don’t miss that he was kind of attractive. He had big doe eyes and thick lips along with a nice stubble. 

“Do I look that annoyed?” You ask him, and you notice the slight concern in his eyes and you can’t help but let out a light hearted laugh. “It’s really not that deep,” You say, shaking your head. “This whole Formula One thing has just been a bit of a nuisance.” You explain, taking another glance at him. 

You look over at him a bit and notice that he is wearing gym attire from top to bottom and  a backward facing cap on his head to hide his hair. “Sorry, are you a fan? Like are you here for the race?” You ask and there is a clear apologetic look on your face.

This makes the stranger laugh and you can’t help but furrow your brows. “Yeah- You could say I am here for the race, but don’t worry, I get what you mean. It’s a bit too much sometimes, yeah?” He chuckles just as the elevator door rings. You nod along as you both go inside and you follow along with the conversation when he asks you for any recommendations. 

And that’s how you had met Carlos. You had ranted to him all the way up the elevator, and he had listened and nodded, still wearing an amused smile on his face. “Trust me I like Formula One, I get it, it's fun, but I wanted to enjoy my holiday without a crowd.” You remember telling him and the poor guy had just nodded along. It was only the next day when you were leaving with your friends for brunch that you had spotted him again, still no clue of his name. 

He was wearing a red shirt- or what looked like a jersey, black pants, and he was sporting the same cap as the night before, this time facing forward. The black horse with the yellow emblem with the logo being clear as daylight. As soon as he spotted you he walked over, giving you a small wave. 

You look over his outfit the closer he gets and your eyes slightly drift to the people he was with and although you first thought they were fans it was loud and clear that it was a team. By the time he comes up to you you’re flushed red, completely embarrassed. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you worked for the team? I am so sorry. Oh my god.” You blurt out as soon as he’s near enough and the cackle he lets out only makes your face burn more.

“Hey, I told you I came for the race. It’s not my fault you didn’t ask if I was racing or not,” He says with a grin before looking over at your friends and giving them a smile. 

“Excuse me? You’re racing?” You ask already covering your face. “I am so sorry, seriously. It’s cool that you do all of this.” You try your best to cover up. From your conversation from the night before you were sure he wasn’t offended but what he says next completely takes you by surprise. 

“I mean, you could make it up to me by giving me your number?” He offers with a smile. His tongue is poking out slightly between his lips and you find yourself blushing for a completely different reason. He’s taking out his phone to hand it to you, tongue swiping over his bottom lip. You look at him stunned before your eyes drop to his phone. “I need to give F1 a better rep, you know?” He says before moving his phone closer to you. You take his phone before putting your number in before the others are calling for him and before you properly catch his name he is already running off.

You had chatted a bit the first few months but because of Carlos’ schedule you both did not get to properly start seeing each other until the end of the season. But here you were, seven months later and you both had been properly together for almost five months. The Christmas holiday and pre-season was easy, both of you managing to find time with each other. Luckily you were also living in Spain, having secured a job there a little over a year ago, and it was a dream really. You both indulged in each other’s time and got to know each other quite well. It was all perfect until the next season had started. 

It was fine at first, the first few races were fun, and it was thrilling to see your boyfriend on TV, but after the first few races you realized the excitement of seeing him on TV stopped outweighing the slight pang in your chest from him not being next to you. 

The tension had been building the first few races of the season, and you both knew it. Carlos was starting to get stressed, it was his second year in Ferrari and the pressure had grown tenfold. You tried your best to also be there for him, but as the season progressed you were beginning to feel like every single race was pushing you guys another step further from each other. 

Carlos had just ended his streak of finished races, DNFing in Australia, and as hard as you tried to be there to support him there was only so much you could do through the phone. You kept on telling yourself that it was going to be okay though, you were going to see him for the next race. After some heavy planning and insisting, your manager had finally given you a green light. You had contacted Charles for some help, wanting to surprise your boyfriend and luckily the Monegasque driver had sent you a thumbs up with the photo of your printed out lanyard. 

You had arrived at the hotel the Thursday night, tired but excited to see Carlos after not seeing him for a little over a month. The lanyard was hanging over your neck, Charles having snuck to the lobby to hand it to you. You knock the door nervously, holding the handle of your luggage. There is a faint sound of shuffling before the door opens and you smile widely once you see Carlos. He looks tired and sleepy, his feathery hair fuzzed out, your heart grows two sizes at the sight of him. 

“Surprise,” You say softly with a smile, looking over his face for a reaction. His eyes widen for a bit before a smile is pulling at his lips.

“No way. What?” He asks before he’s pulling you into a hug. You tuck your head easily under his chin. You wrap your arm around his waist and nuzzle your face into his chest. “What are you doing here?” Carlos asks, slowly pulling away to look at you. He barely gives you a moment to look at him before he’s kissing you. 

“God, I did not expect to see you,” He breathes out, beginning to pull you in the room. You drag your luggage in with you, letting go of it only once you’re inside. Carlos shuts the door before he is kissing you again, this time trailing kisses down your neck. You let out a soft sigh, holding onto his arms. 

“Wanted to surprise you,” You say softly, smiling once Carlos pulls away. He gently squeezes your waist before pecking your lips again. 

“Well you did,” He says smiling. For a moment you thought everything was fine, but the rest of the weekend proved otherwise. 

Friday was rough. You were excited that your first race weekend watching Carlos in person followed the sprint format, you were going to watch him in two races over the weekend and you honestly could not wait to see him drive his heart out. You lingered around for a bit around the paddock in the morning, getting to meet a few other drivers and their girlfriends, and it was nice. Practice was intense, and although Carlos did not top the chart your heart still swole to see him up there. 

Qualifying was a different story though, you could feel the tension to a point where it was almost nauseating and you could feel your own nerves crawl up your throat. Q1 looked good, and Q2 was looking promising. Up until you saw a yellow flag flashing across the screen and the team in the garage groan. The moment you realized Carlos had crashed you felt your heart sink. It was clear that he was okay, but you already knew he had been stressed from the previous race. You nervously pinched your bottom lip, stopping yourself from wanting to just walk to the track to go to Carlos yourself no matter how long it would take. 

Instead you waited patiently, standing in the back of the garage as the screen flashed Carlos getting out of the car. You let out a deep breath, deciding to calm yourself down before Carlos saw you. 

When he came back to the garage you let out a breath of relief, just glad to be able to see him. You wait for him to go around the garage, apologizing to the team. Once he had done a round around the garage you see him walk towards you. You give him a small smile, ready to go for a hug but his words practically push you back. 

“You should head back to the hotel yeah?” He asks, not even looking you in the eye. You frown at this and shake your head. 

“No it’s fine, I can stay.” You say, knowing that he probably would have a long debrief that evening. “I don’t mind.” You promise, but you’re met with a cold response.

“Just head back yeah?” He says before he’s turning his back to you to go to the pitwall. You chew the inside of your cheek, watching him walk off. The last thing you wanted was to make a scene in front of his team. 

Call it stubborn but you wait until qualifying is over, you loiter around the garage, and then wait in the hospitality room. You don’t mind really, you just wanted to be there for Carlos. You hadn’t seen him since he had headed to the meeting room to talk, and five hours later you catch him walking with the rest of the team to another room. You give him a soft smile before resting your chin on your hand. 

It’s almost a whole five minutes later when you get a text. 

‘Go to the hotel y/n. I’ll see you there.’ 

That time you chose to listen. 

You fall asleep before Carlos gets back, both physically and emotionally exhausted from the day so the next time you talk to Carlos is when you’re both up to get ready to go for free practice 2 and the sprint race. 

The car ride is a bit silent again and you rest your head against the window as you watch the cars pass by. “How are you feeling about the qualifying?” You ask after a bit, finally mustering the courage to ask for it. 

Carlos shrugs a bit, fixing his sunglasses. “It happened, it was a mistake but it’s okay, we have the sprint to fix it.” Carlos says and you give him a small smile. 

“Yeah, yeah. I can’t wait to see you drive today. It’s not a full race but its the first time I’ll see you race in person.” You smile. Carlos glances over you with a smile before reaching to give your knee a squeeze. 

“I’m glad you’re here.” He promises. 

The spint makes things better. Carlos manages to climb up from P10 to P4 and the moment he comes back to the garage you are engulfed in a tight hug. 

“That was amazing!” You say, smiling from ear to ear. He lets out a soft laugh.

“Could do better but I will definitely be taking P4. after yesterday” He chuckles before giving you a quick peck. 

The evening is a bit nicer this time, you decide to go to the hotel first, a bit grateful that Carlos had given you a rough estimate of when he was going to get back. You wait for him, ready to order room service but when he arrives he’s holding a bag of take out for you along with his own meal prep. 

You both talked over dinner, and although today was better there was a little voice in the back of your head, nagging a bit about the night before, but you decided to bite your tongue back. That was a problem for another day. Unfortunately though, Sunday decided otherwise. 

One thing was to see Carlos crash during Q2, but another thing was to see him end a race before it even started. When you spotted Carlos’ and Daniel’s collision you physically had to hold back a scream, balling up your fist in frustration. By the time Carlos got into the garage the tension was airtight. Nobody thought it was Carlos’ fault, but that didn’t mean the frustration wasn’t there. 

“Just go home,”  Carlos murmurs once he gets to you, after making his second round of apologies that weekend. You look over at him and shake your head. 

“I don’t mind waiting here today. I have nothing to do in the hotel anyways Carlos,” You say, squeezing his hand. “It’s okay,” You say but Carlos is soon pulling his hand away. 

“I don’t mean the hotel. I mean you can go home if you want to.” Carlos says and your face instantly falls. 

“What?” You ask and he’s walking to the back to his driver's room and you follow behind him. “Why would you even offer that?” You ask, shutting the door behind you once you’re both inside. 

“Look, I just, I think you should go home. It doesn’t make sense for you to stay.” Carlos says, looking at his hands.

“Why wouldn’t it make sense for me to stay? I want to be there for you Carlos.” You say, looking over him incredulously. “That’s the whole reason I’m here, I want to support you.” You’re trying to find his eyes but he can’t bring himself to look at you. 

“I don’t need your support y/n. I’m fine.” He says and you know it’s his emotions talking but the words sink into your chest. 

“But we still had our plan for tomorrow and Tuesday still, Charles told me he booked you for those days so I could have some extra time for the race.” You murmur. 

“I don’t have time for that y/n. I need to train and work on the car and talk to engineers. We need to prepare for Miami.” He says, slowly unzipping his suit. 

“Carlos, Miami is in 2 weeks. I know you’re upset but you don’t need to be unreasonable.” You say, starting to feel frustrated. You had tried your best to meet Carlos half way the whole weekend but at this point it felt like you were grasping at straws. 

“I’m not upset y/n. I told you I’m fine.” He says, back facing you. 

“You’ve been upset since Australia. I have been trying to seriously talk to you about this. You barely tell me anything through the phone and I was hoping being here in person would help you open up. Carlos, you need to tell me how you’re feeling. How many times do I need to tell you this?” You ask, finally getting some edge in your voice. The frustration had been building for weeks from all the worrying you had done and you were sick of holding it back. 

“How many times do I need to tell you y/n. I’m fine.” He says and his back is still facing you, and you never thought you would hate seeing the number 55 in front of your face ever. 

“Then look at me when you say that.” You snap. There’s a lull of silence and you go to say something but Carlos cuts you off before you can.

“I didn’t ask you to come here for the race.” He says and this time the words cut a whole through your chest. 

“Seriously?” You murmur, still only facing his back. You give him time to answer and every second only makes the hole in your chest bigger. 

He finally turns around after what feels like hours, giving you a nod.

“I need to go to the pitwall.” He says, and if there is regret on his face you can’t see it since he’s already walking past you and opening the door. You feel tears well up in your eyes and you can’t bring yourself to turn around. 

By the time he gets back to the hotel the only thing left there is his suitcase and your lanyard hanging on the coat rack.

fin.

part 2 linked here

a/n: very angsty and carlos is a dickhead but part 2 is coming !! let me know if you want to be tagged in the comments (or if you want to be tagged in my general f1 taglist <3

f1 taglist: @sgkophie

interested in reading more? here's my masterlist

#vamossainz55 reqs #carlos sainz junior #carlos sainz imagine #carlos sainz x reader #cs55 #f1 x reader #carlos sainz fanfic #f1 x you #carlos sainz jr #f1 imagine #f1 fanfic #angs #fight

[sere-rine]

~The Latter One~

SGE <Movie Edition> fanfiction. Lady Lesso x Fem reader.

A/N: In this imagine, the normal fiction stories to us are non fiction to them since it really happened. (Just Clarifying)

Warnings: Angst

__________________________________________

If Y/n Charming is sunshine, Lady Lesso is definitely a rainstorm. So opposite, there are placed on the other side of the spectrum. Yet when their lips collided on the middle of the cold dark room of Lady Lesso one night, they are perfect for each other. She have finally found her true love... or so Y/n thought.

You are running through the halls of the school of good trying to get to the library where peace and quiet can embrace your tired ears. Trying to get away from the dining hall where chaos resides between Evers and Nevers. 

Once you got to open the library doors, you heave a sigh. What a serene place to be, where imagination can run free from these books. Literary works from your world, these non-fiction stories that are made by your parents, parents’ friends, and others like Hercules, Robin Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, can really bring you an inspiration and motivation. 

You wonder and look through the books hoping to find a book to read until you found yourself on the second floor of the library. You lean in onto the railings and scan the whole library. It brings you smile into your face and nostalgic moments. Here is where Lesso always finds you when you are not on mood to talk to her. She will coax you into talking to her. She is persistent and she will use her beauty and body to make you succumb to her will. 

Your thoughts are cut when you heard hurried footsteps going into the library. You know that students are not yet allowed to be here at this time. Maybe a little earlier but now, your classes are starting already and you decides to just stay here and try to ditch class at least once. The footsteps are nearing the room so you hides fast and swiftly to not get caught. You bring your glowing index finger in front of your face and cast a spell to become invisible. ‘Fast and swiftly’, you thought to yourself. 

The door opened and there you found Professor Dovey and Lady Lesso. Dovey is dragging Lesso and they closed the door. Your brows meet in confusion but you kept quiet. You maybe invisible but you are still audible.

“Lesso, what are these rumors that i’m hearing? You and Y/n Charming? Together? Y/N Charming? Out of all the people here, you chose her?” Dovey whispered shouted at Lesso. She looks so alarmed at the situation and internally hoping that it is not true, for the balance that they kept for a hundred of years will crumble. 

Lesso seems to not care about Dovey, still standing, calmly and unbothered. She didn’t say a thing so Dovey continued.

“Lesso, please tell me this is not true. If this is heard by the school master, it will be a big problem, specially Cinderella’s daughter is involved! She is one of the reasons that the school master is prideful of this school of good.” Your heart flattered at the words of the dean of good. You don’t know that the school master is proud of you. 

Despite of the flattering words you are now conflicted of this situation. You thought that you and Lesso are being good at hiding your relationship but someone seems to notice. You don’t want to be caught but there is a part of you that you don’t want her to deny this. You thought you have to wait for Lesso’s words for a long time but she answered Dovey.

“That princess and I are not involved to anything Dovey. She and I is ridiculous, I don’t fall in love. I am a Never and I will never stoop down to that level. Love is not for us, because it is stupid, pathetic and a waste of time. And seriously, Y/n? Her empathy towards others makes me sick.”

...

Heartbroken can’t even describe what you’re feeling right now. You are sobbing without a sound. You thought all she’s gonna say is ‘No, that rumor is not true.’ But no, she just told Dovey that being with you is ridiculous. You also thought that what you two are having is love but no. 

You remembered, she never said she loves you. You didn’t too but that’s because you are afraid that you are just a play thing, a past time, jokes on you, You are. 

Dovey said things to Lesso about love and others but you didn’t pay attention to it anymore. Your head is full of memories that you and Lesso shared. All the times that she made you hers, when you two sneaked at night to watch the stars, and how she comforted you on days that you are down. All of that used to be colored red, yellow, and pink symbolized as love, happiness, and cuteness are now tainted as gray, blue and black. 

Seconds after, they already left the library and that is where you let yourself cry out loud. You never thought that in this library where you find peace is where your heart will be broken as well. 

You know the risk. You know that she is a Never, she is someone else’s villain. You know that there is a slim to none chance that she’ll fall to someone like you yet you still let your self fall into her. Your poor heart jumped into a void, blinded by your love for her and when you reached the end, no one is there to catch you. You thought that she’s with you until the end but now you are at the bottom pit, looking up, there she is at the very top. Turns out, she is the one who pushed you. 

Seducing you because she knew the effect she had over you. Playing you, using you, all of that and for what? What can she gain at this? 

She is truly evil. 

...

Minutes passed after you calmed down, you left the library with a puffy eyes, red nose and a sad face. You are walking through the halls and the other Evers who are on the different years and on their break are looking at you. You pay no attention to them and just continue your walk into your dorm room. 

You opened the door and you find a beautiful woman who is on her suit, Looking through your balcony window. Her back is turn on you but with her fragrance, posture, and her red puffy hair. You certainly know who she is.

“Get out of here Lady Lesso.” You said coldly and started to walk on your bed. You untangled your hair and slowly removed your top. She turns to face you and is shock to see your face. You have been crying, she can see that but she didn’t know that it’s all because of her.

“What happened sweet princess? Who made you cry? I’m gonna kill them.” Funny of her to say that. You removed your top and now you proceeds to remove the layers of skirts that was put on you. 

“Then go on, kill yourself.” Her movements towards you halt because of what you just said. No one thought that you can say those words ever on your lifetime. Turns out you can. 

She looked at you with soft eyes and concerned expression. “What did I do little dove?” You looked at her with deadly stare and take a step towards her. 

Sure Nevers are scary when they got mad but Evers when infuriated are terrifying. “Get out of my room, if you and I is ridiculous, if being with me means stooping down at your level and if my empathy for others makes you sick, guess what? Remembering all the things that happened to us is disgusting to me. Thinking that maybe you love me too is repulsive. And Lastly, right now, looking at you is dreadful. SO GET OUT NOW!” You shouted those last words and said all those things without thinking. Hatred is taking the wheel on your mind now and even though you’ll regret all of it later, at least for now, you let it all out.

Lesso can’t do anything but get out of your room by the window after turning into a raven. She doesn’t know how she had heard you but one thing on her mind is, she wished to take it all back. None of that is true and all of it was all a lie. 

Lesso thought that a Never can’t have their happy endings because they are simply a Never. It seems like there are two things why they can’t have it, It’s either the world wronged them, or they simply messed it all up. And she seemed to do the latter one.

#lady lesso #lady lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso #charlize theron #school for good and evil movie #sge movie #sge #sge netflix #fanfic #fanfiction #angs

[justinkirkism]

i need a little bit of time to process this. the way Mencken ignored Roman on his way out physically hurts me. Mencken is so cruel towards Roman because he showed weakness AT HIS FATHER'S FUNERAL and cried during his eulogy !!

#jeryd mencken #roman roy #romanmencken #justin kirk #kieran culkin #romencken #succession hbo #succession spoilers #hbo #succession #this is so sad #oh god #over the road and into the bar #hurt #angs #angst

[dearest-painter]

ANGSTY TIME!!! >:)

Nezuko!Reader and Spidercat sitting infront of Nezuko!Reader’s Uncle Aaron’s tomb. And let out a loud crying sound and starts getting out of control and starts throwing rocks and growling at people. Terrified, angered and grieving Nezuko!reader :(

Nezuko!Reader only goes at nighttime, once they get to uncle Aaron’s tomb they sob. They sob to the point they start hyperventilating and stop breathing every so often(this has happened to me), they pass out on Uncle Aaron’s tomb with Spider-cat beside them as Spider-cat tries to protect them. The night guard is used to seeing them and places a blanket over them. Even while sleeping Nezuko!Reader is shaking and letting silent sobs escape but their muffled by the muzzle. When they wake up they feel weak, their eyes are red and it’s a bit difficult for them to walk.

Nezuko!Reader does this every Friday, every times it’s Uncle Aaron’s birthday, every time it’s the day Uncle Aaron died. They’ll never stop mourning their uncle, they miss their uncle to the point they somehow bought their uncles apartment…they haven’t change anything and sometimes sleeps there and wears his jacket but end up crying. They want their uncle so bad, they want him to tell them it’s just a cruel prank and they can go to the arcade like he promised them. They want him back so desperately

(I cried while making this, man I’m making sure this is ANGST! I sorta projected some of my feelings onto Nezuko!Reader because it makes ir more angsty)

#yandere #please don’t do this #obession #unhealthy #platonic yandere #yandere platonic #gn reader #angs #yandere x gn reader #x gn reader #gender neutral y/n #yandere x gender neutral reader #gender neutral reader #✉️mail arrived✉️ #genderfluid enity answers! #nezuko!reader #Nezuko Anon #yandere spiderverse #yandere spider man across the spider verse

[medeuusa]

the angst , this one got 1k likes on insta IT WAS INSANEEEE

#lainlyyy #fanart #mha #mha bakudeku #Mha manga #my hero academia #boku no hero acedamia #bnha #bkdk #bkdk soulmates #bnha bkdk #bkdkapology #bkdk art #bkdk brainrot #bakudeku #dekubaku #angs #angts

[pinchofhoney]

the sun is up, but you’re not shining

« read part one here

gif is not mine, credit to the owner

ben barnes x fem!reader

word count: 3.2k

warning: stupid behaviors, jealousy, i think this part is even more heartbreaking for our lovely reader than the previous one, but there’s a happy ending

summary: Although taking a break from a relationship is generally not recommended, what if you suggested it as a way to cope with your own intrusive thoughts? Unfortunately, this approach ended up having the opposite effect.

a/n: off my mind was supposed to be a one-shot story with a cliffhanger, but there were voices for a second part, so i'm happy to bring it to you!!<3 i hope you will not be disappointed!

Days were passing, and you were trying to enjoy the presence of your boyfriend, all the time perfectly aware that in a while he would have to fly to Canada again for work on the new season of Shadow and Bone.

The road back from the small country cottage passed you in silence. All you could hear was the sound of the running engine and the hum coming from outside the window of the car. You didn't talk or exchange small comments as you were used to doing all the time, during car rides. The radio also remained off. You felt awful, and the thoughts swirling in your head didn't improve the situation at all. You couldn't guess what was in Ben's head, who was gazing at the road stretching out in front of you with a neutral expression on his face. Usually while driving, Ben would keep his hand on your thigh, gently stroking it with his thumb, but not this time. This time you got the impression that he didn't even peek at you, which made you feel even worse.

After returning to the city, you did in fact spend most of the time in your apartment, just as Ben asked before leaving the place you thought would be your comfort place. You didn't talk about what happened in the countryside. You didn't talk about Julie, and even less did you talk about your concerns about Ben flying out to work again.

Ben has been giving you non-verbal signals all this time that you are the most important thing to him and he doesn't want to be anywhere else but with you. He told you every day that he loves you and gave you a million kisses. He was taking you on long walks, to the art exhibitions you loved so much and he was the best boyfriend you could ever dream of, but all the time you felt something was off.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・ 

Ben's flight was only three days away. For the past week, he has been making some sort of phone call every now and then, putting the finishing touches on all the most important details. You didn't mind, because going into a relationship with an actor you were aware of what you were getting into. You were walking in one of the nearby parks, watching the dogs joyfully running between the trees and playing among themselves, when Ben's phone rang again. You didn't listen to his conversation, watching blindly as one of the owners called his pet to his heel. However, there was one thing that didn't give you peace of mind, and it has already grown on you after the first few phone calls to Ben, a few days ago.

“The sun is up, but you’re not shining. Why is that, darling?” he asked after his conversation ended, noticing your sudden mood drop.

“Maybe we should take a break” you said without looking at him. You were too scared to see his reaction.

“A break?” he repeated confused, looking at you with furrowed brows. Seeing that you were not going to raise your eyes to him, he continued, still not knowing what you were talking about. “Sure, we can sit down” he shrugged his shoulders, looking around for a free bench. “We're not in a hurry to go anywhere”

“N-no… i mean…” you began rather quietly, stopping. You didn't believe that you were about to say the words that were pushing strongly on your tongue. You looked at Ben, who also stopped a few steps in front of you and at the moment was giving you a worried look. You took a step forward, not wanting to speak out loud. “I meant between us. Maybe we should take a break in our relationship…” you lowered your gaze to your feet, not wanting Ben to see the tears gathering in your eyes.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, almost wispering. He grabbed your forearm, wanting to get your attention. “Hey, look at me. Why would we take a break?” he said slightly louder this time, but you continued to remain quiet, all the time stubbornly sticking your gaze into the sidewalk, fighting back tears. “Y/N…”

You didn't know yourself why you proposed such a solution. You knew it was stupid. You knew that breaks in relationships had no right to exist. What were relationship breaks in the first place? But it was probably the only thing that would allow you to survive another, no one knows how long separation from Ben, which he will spend with his former lover. The thought that you are no longer together.

You finally had the courage to look into the eyes of your beloved, who had been waiting all this time for you to say something. You noticed that tears also began to gather in his pitch-dark eyes. “I’m sorry, Ben… it will be better this way” you began, taking your hand from his grasp. “I could already see from the moment you came back that your thoughts were in some unknown place to me. But… but after what you told me about Julie, maybe she was- is that place”

“What?” he furrowed his brows, starting to shake his head after a second. “No. No, no, no, no no. You’re the one that I want, Y/N” he took a step toward you.

“Don't make it any harder than it already is…” now you were the one, who was almost whispering. Despite being in a crowded park, you completely forgot about the people around you. “We'll talk about it again when you get back, okay?”

“No” he said immediately. “I don't agree to any break, Y/N” he wanted to touch you. To take your face in his hand, but you brushed his hand away. Although the tears had already disappeared from his eyes, you saw pain and confusion in them.

“Safe flight. I know you'll do great on the set. I love you” you said as quickly as you could, then turned around and with a heavy heart, began to take your steps in the opposite direction, leaving Ben alone in the middle of the alley. You didn't turn once, knowing that it would be the last nail in your coffin. You were already in floods of tears, wanting to be in your apartment as soon as possible.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It was already the second week after making the dumbest decision of your entire life, and you didn't feel the slightest bit better about the words you said at that time. You didn't contact Ben, although you wanted to do so more than once. You wanted to call him, to apologize, to admit to him and yourself that you were the stupidest, but you blocked his phone number as soon as you entered the apartment on that unfortunate day. You wanted to buy the first available plane tickets to Canada, arrive on the set in the middle of nowhere, throw yourself into his arms and say the words sorry a million times. But you couldn't. You made stupid things so now you have to deal with them yourself.

You didn't tell anyone about the situation between you and Ben. Not even your best friend, to whom you always trusted with everything. You couldn't, you didn't want to. You were embarrassed.

You were sitting in your small studio that you and Ben had created in your apartment back at the beginning of your relationship. He has always known about your grand plans for the exhibition and has always kept his fingers firmly crossed for you, so he was the first one willing to transform an unused room into a space where you could grow. Your little sanctum filled with paints, canvases and everything you needed.

After managing a break in your relationship, everything in your life was going wrong. You couldn't sleep. You couldn't eat. You looked like a pile of misery. You didn't feel like leaving the house at all, but even at home you felt bad because you were recalled all the moments you spent there with Ben.

And yet it wasn't even a breakup, was it? It was not, but yet, after all, you knew how all these breaks end.

At your worst moments, you would go to the studio to focus on something other than your painful thoughts, but even painting did not give you joy anymore. This was also the case this time. You were sitting on a small stool in front of a blank canvas, waiting for a great inspiration. The minutes passed, and nothing but emptiness appeared in your mind. Annoyed, you finally pulled yourself up from the wooden stool with the desire to leave the room immediately, when the sound of an incoming message reached your ears. Right after that message came another one. And another. And another. Your phone has gone crazy, you thought. With furrowed brows, you reached for the device lying on one of the shelves, and more and more messages appeared on the screen.

“Did someone die?” you asked yourself, however, hoping that it was not the truth. But what you saw was probably even worse.

Your closest friends, as well as many other people knowing about your relationship with Ben, bombarded you with screenshots from some online article. At first you weren't sure what it was all about, but finally you got to see pictures of your boyfriend with his ex-girlfriend. The photos were taken at one of the Canadian restaurants in the late evening. In one of the photos, you saw them both laughing about something, looking like a couple of close friends. In another, you noticed the way the blonde was looking at Ben. On another, the mentioned woman held her hand on his palm, and Ben didn't seem to mind. On the opposite, he was smiling at her. With a trembling hand, you locked the phone screen. You didn't want to see the pictures any longer, you didn't want to see the woman you were insecure about having her hands on your man.

Probably there was some rational explanation behind it, but at the moment it was the last thing on your mind. You thought it was over. You thought the darkest of your scenarios had become true.

With tears gathering in your eyes, you left your painting studio and on trembling legs walked to the nearby kitchen, where you leaned against the countertop. You didn't know what to do with yourself, and a million thoughts began to gather in your head at once.

You’re the one that I want, you heard Ben's voice, recalling the words spoken in the park.

You started crying heavily, slowly sliding to the floor. You felt helpless and hurt. You couldn't understand what had happened. Was it your fault? If you hadn't come up with that stupid break now would things be different? But by definition, a break is a break, not permission to date someone else.

The moment both your throat and lungs began to ache from the constant crying, you began to calm down, not having the strength to do anything else. You pulled yourself up from the cold floor panels and searched for your phone. You ignored all the notifications visible on the screen and dialed the number to your best friend. You told her everything, starting with your date at the restaurant after Ben returned to the city, you told her about the trip to the cottage he was working on with his former partner, and finally you told her about your break.

“You sould talk with Ben” she finally said, after long minutes of listening to your sob-interrupted monologue and calming you down.

“But I don’t want to talk with him. I don't want to hear that I am really done for him”

“Y/N” she said firmly. “If it's really over, you'll have to hear it eventually. You can't live in your bubble forever, stop acting like a child. Unblock his number and call him, because if you don't, I will”

You snorted in annoyance at her tone of voice “Yeah? And what do you tell him?” you asked frowning your eyebrows, even though the girl couldn't see your expression.

“That if he fucks her again then he may not come back from Canada, because I will rip the legs out of his ass” your friend's words made you laugh.

A silence fell between you, during which you tried to sort everything out in your head. “Alright…” you said finally. “I will call him”

You talked for a while more, and the girl tried to lift your mood. When the conversation ended, you took a deep breath, staring at your photo with Ben, appearing on the wallpaper of your screen. You went into your contacts and unlocked your boyfriend's number. Awaiting for Ben to answer his phone was incredibly difficult for you. You were stressed to the point that you started circling around the kitchen and picking at your nail cuticles at the same time.

“Y/N?” you finally heard a familiar voice on the other side of the phone. The voice you loved to hear so much, especially when it spoke your name.

“Ben? I…” you began, but quickly stopped in the middle of the kitchen, not knowing what to really say.

“Y/N?” he repeated again thinking that something had interrupted the connection. “Are you there?”

“I saw the photos…” you just said quietly, feeling a big gulp gather in your throat again.

“What photos?” Ben asked confused, to which you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Of you and Julie. She was looking at you with those goo-goo eyes as you both laughed. Is this what it looks like?”

“What?” he repeated himself again, this time even more confused.

“Don't play dumb Ben, please”

“But I really have no idea what you're tal-” he paused suddenly realizing something. “Oh Lord, no. Y/N, it's not what you think”

“Then what is it?”

“Last night with the whole cast we went to dinner after the shooting was over. We had a much calmer day and decided to take it to the fullest. I suppose the photos you saw were taken at the end of the meeting, when we were left with just the three of us with Freddy. He went to the restroom, someone took pictures and-”

Now you were the one interrupting. “What?”

“I swear, you can even check Jessie's or Amita's Instagram, because I'm sure they've posted some updates”

You didn't answer anything, having mess in your head again.

“Y/N” you heard Ben again. “Every day I waited for you to get back to me. I tried to call you a thousand times, but you blocked my number. You blocked me everywhere you could, so there was nothing left for me to do but wait. Wait until I come back and the first thing I do is stand in front of your door and don't move from there until you listen to me”

In response, he heard only your sniff, so he continued.

“I'll be back in a week and a half, Y/N. Several plans have changed, we will change locations, but they have to prepare them first”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

You've been walking around nervous since early in the morning. You felt like a teenager who was about to go on a date for the first time with a boy from school who she had a crush on for a year already. Today Ben was coming back from Canada. Since the unpleasant situation with the article a week ago, you have been talking every day again. You have already apologized to him a million times both for that scene in the park and later for your unfounded suspicions, which would not have happened at all if you had only read the whole article. You wanted to apologize to him once again, in person. Looking him in the eye and being one hundred percent honest with him. You missed him, missed him unbelievably, but at the same time the impending confrontation made your heart start pounding faster. You were hungry. You could even say terribly hungry, since you hadn't had breakfast that morning. Just the thought of meeting Ben tightened your stomach into a lump.

Around 5:00 PM you heard the doorbell ring. You just happened to be working in your dedicated area, as painting that day was the only thing that could distract you from the upcoming meeting. Being honest with yourself, you didn't expect this moment to come so soon. You looked over your shoulder, then quickly pushed yourself up from the stool. You put the brush you were holding into a glass of paint-dirty water and wiped your hands in your old jeans, which you always wore when you went to work.

“I’m coming!” you call out, hearing the bell ring again.

Passing through the hallway, you glanced in the mirror, checking your appearance. You didn't look the prettiest in paint-stained, old and several sizes too big clothes, but Ben had already seen you in every version, so you didn't mind. You stopped in front of the door and reached out a shaking hand to turn the key in the lock. You also felt your heart speed up and your palms began to sweat a little. You took a deep breath, then hesitantly opened the door, biting your lower lip gently at the same time. This was a common habit of yours in stressful situations.

After just a moment, a tall man with pitch-dark eyes and hair arranged in a messy way appeared before your eyes. A man who is the only man you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Immediately when you saw his wide smile, you breathed out the air unconsciously held in your lungs and returned the smile, taking a few steps back so that he could enter the room.

“You look beautiful as always” he said immediately taking you in his arms and hugging you tightly.

“I’m sorry, Ben. I’m sorry for everything” you began, when he moved away from you a few centimeters so that he could look into your eyes. “I messed up, I really messed up. It won't happen aga-” you were not allowed to finish, because Ben interrupted you by placing a gentle kiss on your lips, as if he wasn't sure if you agreed to it. When he noticed you giving in to his touch, placing his hand on his beard-covered face, he kissed you more confidently, letting you know how much he missed you.

After a while, you pulled away from each other, breathing heavily. He rested his forehead on yours, not opening his eyes. “I should be the one who apologizes, Y/N. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you felt. Sorry for ruining our weekend trip, I should have been honest with you from the beginning”

“Let's promise to talk to each other about everything. About every concern, about every problem, just about everything…” you said quietly.

“Let's promise” Ben agreed and kissed you once again.

#ben barnes #ben barnes imagine #ben barnes x y/n #ben barnes x you #ben barnes x reader #x reader #ben barnes fluff #ben barnes angst #fluff #angs #shadow and bone #part two

[sassykai10]

Just Let Me Breath

Summary: 

"He cupped his hands and filled them, then ran them over his bare face.

He felt the marks of his eternal scars pass under his fingertips.

Hard lines of memories that had branded him, preventing him from forgetting every time he saw his face in the mirror. That was why he never looked at himself.

That was why he did not want anyone to look at him."

-

Ghost has a dissociation moment.

Warnings: Angst, Dissociation, Derealization, Panic Attack, Anxiety

Please, If you don’t feel confident to read it, just don’t! Take care!

------------------------------------------

It was a cold mid-November evening.

The base was completely silent, except for the few soldiers on watch for the evening.

Price had let the guys from Task Force 141 off so they could rest before their new mission somewhere in Europe.

The captain had gone back to his office to sort out some paperwork. Gaz had run back to his room as soon as he had been given the all-clear. Ghost had intended to return to his room to get just enough rest, but Soap would not let him go until the middle of the night.

It was just past midnight.

The sergeant and lieutenant were in a quiet little room on the base. They had decided to pass the time by playing cards, chatting - Soap especially - and drinking something strong to help them fall asleep better later.

"Boom! - the sergeant threw a double pair onto the table - how do ye respond to this excellent play, LT?" he observed him amused with a big grin on his face. Proud of his cards.

Ghost looked at him. He felt the corners of his mouth turn up just enough to give the idea of a small smile under his balaclava.

Ghost slowly lowered the cards in his hand, a scale of alternating black and red cards ascending from number four to eight.

"Shite..." huffed Soap as he rolled his eyes and tapped his thigh with one hand.

He then moved to settle himself better in the chair. His hands slid over his face and lightly tapped his cheeks. He took the shot glass and poured himself some Drambuie, a liquor his parents had left him the last time he had visited them.

He raised his glass slightly and after carefully contemplating his choice, downed the contents in one gulp.

When he had finished he banged the glass so hard on the table that Ghost was already thinking of Price's face when he found out the next day that Soap had broken something because he was half drunk. Fortunately, nothing broke.

"Whoa! - Johnny shook his head left and right as if to clear his hangover, then looked Ghost straight in the eye with new resolve, his Scottish accent growing stronger - A'm waantin' a rematch!"

"Whatever you say, McTavish," replied the superior calmly, amused.

The two spent another half hour playing and when it was time to return to the room, Ghost was forced to help the sergeant.

In no time at all, he had drained about half the liquor he had brought and was now unable to stand.

"LT... - called him back chuckling - how come yer not as drunk as me? Ye've been drinking too..." he hummed drunkenly.

"I can hold my liquor just fine Johnny"

"Tis nae fair though..." he pouted.

"What?"

"I want tae be like ya when I grow up..." he joked chuckling.

Ghost took a few seconds before replying.

"You'll be better than me, Johnny."

"Hmm. Maybe, but I'll never be as cool as ye" and laughed belly-first.

Ghost felt himself smiling slightly.

It had been so long since he had spent the evening pressed in the company of someone who could make him feel good and prevent his mind from returning to all those horrible memories of the past.

When he was with Johnny, he felt like Simon Riley, not Ghost.

But this thought, as nice as it was, made him uncomfortable. A certain sense of anxiety and nausea tightened his chest.

Johnny had been able to bring a part of Ghost out into the open, something he had been hiding for years since it had fallen into Manuel Roba's hands.

Maybe the man wasn't completely dead. Right...?

'Lt! - Soap snapped his fingers in front of his eyes to rouse him from his trance - we're here!" he laughed.

"Hmm," he muttered in agreement.

Johnny took the room keys from the pocket of his military suit trousers and with difficulty managed to slip them into the keyhole. With a turn he opened the door.

"Finally some rest!" he sniggered as he made his way to his perfectly made-up bed according to the strict rules of the barracks.

With a leap, the sergeant threw himself onto the mattress and moved over the sheets to find a good sleeping position, crumpling and unravelling them.

Despite not being a dog person, Ghost had always thought that Johnny actually resembled a Golden Retriever in character, especially when he was drunk.

Seeing him tossing and turning on the sheets, it felt like watching a dog turn in the kennel before going to sleep.

"LT...! - Johnny called him back in a whiny voice - goodnight!" and smiled at him through wide smile before resting his head on the pillow and falling asleep.

Ghost watched him for a few seconds before turning on his heels.

"'Night Johnny" he mumbled, grinning slightly as he closed the door behind him.

The corridor was silent.

Ghost's footsteps could not be heard, that was a characteristic of him. He had been trained to be a weapon, and as such he had to be able to move silently, on the tips of his toes, to sneak up on his enemies and sever their carotid artery with a single blow from behind.

Even if he had wanted to, that part of himself would never have changed and no matter how hard he tried, some of the things Roba and his people had put in his head, he would never be able to forget them, many of the traumas had changed him so much that they left everlasting scars in his mind.

He took a long breath as he began to feel his heart beat faster.

Remembering what he had been through was certainly not helpful, especially if he already had to deal with these traumas at night with nightmares that lasted for hours on end and always woke him up with his throat closed and tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.

With long strides he finished walking down the corridor and after entering his room he slowly closed the door behind him, making sure the key made two turns in the keyhole. Being cautious and anticipating any possible enemy attack, especially in his sleep, was one of the answers to the traumas he had been carrying around since his return to action.

He removed his boots and jacket, carefully placing them in order near the entrance.

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table by the bed. 00:43.

He could feel his heart still in his throat, pounding and pounding in his ears.

Fuck...

Quickly he headed for the bathroom and with a sudden gesture tore the skull balaclava off his head, a reminder of what he had become.

He did not even look at himself in the mirror and turned on the water in the sink. He cupped his hands and filled them, then ran them over his bare face.

He felt the marks of his eternal scars pass under his fingertips.

Hard lines of memories that had branded him, preventing him from forgetting every time he saw his face in the mirror. That was why he never looked at himself. That was why he did not want anyone to look at him.

He wiped water over his face several times, as if unconsciously trying to eliminate all traces of the growing anxiety he felt in his chest.

Anxiety about what then?

He didn't know either, but his mind travelled so fast that it could be anything: the mission, the night, the nightmares, his relationship with Johnny and the other team members, his fear of not being enough...

All kinds of thoughts of this kind ran through his unconscious continuously, without giving him a moment of peace.

He just wanted to be able to breathe.

To forget everything he had suffered for, but he knew that would be impossible.

He looked up and saw himself in the mirror.

He had done it without realising it and now he regretted it.

His face was milky white, decorated with heavy and numerous pink scars cutting across his forehead, neck, jaw and lips, and his nose was slightly crooked from all the blows he had suffered.

He looked into his eyes, so dark brown that he wasn't sure if he was really looking at the colour of the irises or inside his soul.

He felt and saw his eyebrows arch imperceptibly upwards. The corners of his eyes began to itch uncomfortably.

His hands clung tightly to the edge of the sink to seek support with the reality he knew was disappearing.

For a few seconds he still saw himself reflected in the mirror, then he saw nothing more.

His head was whirling dangerously and his mouth was completely dry. He felt his legs and arms begin to stop supporting him. His balance was precarious.

For a tiny fraction of time he remembered standing in the bathroom, facing the mirror.

The more he looked at himself, the more he wondered if that person in front of him was really him, Ghost, not Simon. He tried to convince himself of that somehow.

He was certain that Simon was no longer there.

But then who was that man in front of him?

In a few moments consciousness slipped from his hands, before returning to his mind, all of a few seconds apart.

He had to force himself to remember where he was, who he was.

His mind was distracted and before long he found himself immersed in a strange, but not unusual feeling of disorientation.

Now he was no longer sure where he was.

Blurred images appeared before his eyes and when he tried to close them he could not.

His head spun lighter, increasing the feeling of nausea that knocked at the pit of his stomach.

He suddenly felt his body become weak, as if he were floating.

Then he saw him, or rather, he saw himself.

The man before him was standing somewhere, not sure where he was.

He could see his blond hair, but his face was blurred.

What did he look like?

He knew, of course he knew!

So why couldn't he remember?

When he saw him turn around, he felt the taste of bile rise beyond his stomach, up his esophagus.

The blond-haired man had the face of a skull, no eyes, no mouth, just an aggregation of pieces of bone.

He felt a slight movement and his mind began to whirl again, wiping the man out of sight.

...Simon...

His name reached his ears in a distant, distorted way.

He turned his gaze to see where it came from, but no one came forward.

Around him only darkness.

Darkness, darkness and being alone.

He shifted his eyes left and right, above and below, where he hoped to find a light, something to help him escape the sudden panic he felt in his chest.

He felt his body as if lying down.

And suddenly the blurred but familiar image of the coffin's interior took him by surprise.

The air began to run out quickly.

He tried to move within that cramped space to find something useful to get out, again.

The jaw... he thought as he felt around, only to realise he couldn't move.

He was going to die there.

He had managed to escape the first time, but he had been pardoned and now, by some strange twist of fate, he would have to relive those interminable minutes again without being able to move or breathe.

His life would end there.

Simon...!

The same voice reached him a second time, more clearly.

He closed his eyes tightly.

He tried to struggle as much as he could, to no avail.

He had to escape at any cost!

When he opened them wide, he was no longer in the coffin.

He felt he could breathe better, however with difficulty.

He looked around again and saw for the second time the so familiar body of a man with ash-blond hair.

He was standing, his shoulders arched slightly forward.

He approached.

He saw him trembling.

He looked closely at his face: his eyes were fixed in front of him, lost in something that even he did not know what it was. He could see that he was biting down hard on his upper lip, just enough to be bleeding. His cheeks were streaked with tears.

It pained him to see that man suffer like that.

Him?

Who was he pitying?

That man?

Who was he?

Who was that man?

Where was he?

Shit...! Shit!

Simon!

It's all right...!

... Johnny?

He opened his eyes wide.

His head was spinning as if in a spiral, his vision was still blurry.

He felt his quick breath go in and out of his mouth.

He had to stop. He had to catch his breath.

His heart was pounding loudly in his ears.

He had to regain his self-awareness somehow.

Three things he could smell.

The faint smell of the shampoo he had used the day before. The aftershave. The faint smell of cigarettes.

Three things he could touch.

His sweatpants. His arm. The cold edge of the sink.

Three things he could see.

His hands clinging desperately to the sanitary. His toothbrush in a glass on the small cupboard nearby. Himself in the reflection.

Inhale. Exhale.

Repeat.

Ghost closed his eyes and forcefully ran his hands over his face.

He needed to detach himself from that mirror. He needed to get out of there.

Fuck...

He ran a hand through his hair as he shakily made his way to the bedroom.

The anxiety was still there, but he felt decidedly more self-conscious.

He saw the balaclava on the floor and bent to pick it up.

Putting it on meant going back to being Ghost, the man he was meant to be. A confidence to gain full control of his body.

He passed the mask around his head and took a deep breath.

A - wrong - feeling of peace embraced him, making him feel safer.

He sat on the edge of the bed taking his face, now masked, in his hands.

He took more long breaths trying to calm himself in the last moment of the panic attack.

He looked up and glanced at the clock. 1:03.

Only a quarter of an hour had passed since he had entered his bedroom after leaving Johnny drunk in his room.

The feeling of helplessness seized him, making him break into a cold sweat.

So little had passed and he had experienced the moment as if it had been hours.

He could not remember what had happened, but he must have had a moment of derealisation and dissociation, something he had been experiencing for years, but was not used to.

How had he managed to come to his senses this time?

His mind strained to remember.

The memory of a male voice, heard many times before, made its way from his unconscious.

"Johnny...- he sighed quietly, his eyes open in amazement- fuck..."

He didn't know if that was good or bad.

He knew that the sergeant could be trusted enough by now.

He didn't want him to get too close to Ghost. He didn't want him to run away once he got to know him better and especially didn't want to risk putting him in danger.

On the other hand, however, a deep desire in his heart wanted someone to at least try to help him, to save him from the idea of a life lived only as Ghost and not also as Simon, who in one way or another still existed in his mind.

He was afraid that a good soul like Johnny might change him, not knowing what awaited him once he got so close to someone.

Ghost shifted on the bed to stand with his back against the wall, the pillow behind his back.

He curled in on himself, closing his legs and tucking them against his chest.

He hid his head between his knees and his hands gripped his feet tightly.

He would wait until he fell asleep, then the day would begin with a wake-up call and preparations for the mission ahead.

Everything would be exactly as it always was.

#simon riley #ghost cod #ghost angst #angs

[princessmisery666]

Samnesia - Chapter 5 - Confessions

Series Summary: Brooke is a calming distraction from the chaotic mess of Sam’s life. When a hunt keeps them separated for over a month, Sam returns to find she no longer remembers him. The need to find out what happened while he was gone sends Sam on a case that will change the course of his life. What he discovers along the way will change the way he looks at love.

Chapter Info

Summary: Now: Brooke hints at knowing there’s something Sam isn’t telling her, but she doesn’t want to deal with it right now, instead wanting to hear more about her and Sam. Sam tells Brooke the truth about the Supernatural. Then: Free of all interruptions, Sam and Brooke finally get to be intimate.

W/C: 7.6k

Warnings: smut, slow burn, fluff, angst, injury description.

Characters: Sam Winchester, Original Female Character (Brooke).

Extra special shoutout to: @slytherkins - this would not have been possible without her input, she deserves co-write credits.

Beta: @deanwinchesterswitch

Graphics: @talesmaniac89

A/N: I commissioned @negans-lucille-tblr to write the smut scene way back in 2019. While there are still elements of her work, there have been significant changes with the rewrite.

Previous Chapter

Now

The hustle and bustle of the dinnertime rush in the restaurant was the only sound for a few minutes. A contemplative silence filled the space between them after Sam finished telling Brooke about the first time he cooked for her and the first time she met Dean. Sitting across from her, he could pretend it was like any other date they’d had. 

Brooke had spent the day working, and Sam and Dean had researched. They’d all taken a break at lunch to eat sandwiches, but when the clock struck five, Brooke shut down her computer and suggested, very cautiously, they all go out to dinner. She said she needed to see the sun and was beginning to feel claustrophobic, but Sam suspected it was a test. She wanted to know if he would really let her leave. Dean told them to go on without him, that he’d grab something on his way back from the errand he needed to run. The errand was going to double-check her house for hex bags and sulfur, though Sam hadn’t told Brooke that minor detail. 

She seemed to relax with each course that was served. The more he talked, the more she ignored the people around them and stopped looking around like she wanted to scream for help. By the time they’d finished dessert, she was completely relaxed. 

Sam chanced a glance up at her when he felt the silence had gone on too long. Her eyes were focused on her wine glass. Her fingers absently ran up and down the stem while she seemed lost in her thoughts. He’d seen her wear that look before, the one that told him she wanted to ask him a question but didn’t want to put him in a position where he would have to lie to her. 

“Ask me,” Sam coaxed, “whatever it is, you can ask me. I just told you that I promised never to lie to you.” 

“But you did plead the fifth, right? I know you said I gave you the option, but…” 

He chewed the inside of his cheek for a second, deciding how best to answer. “I did a few times, yeah. But it’s only because-”

Brooke’s hand slid over the top of his to cut him off. “You don’t have to explain, Sam. I think I have an idea why you had to, and I’m not going to take back what I said.”

“Even though you don’t remember saying it?” 

She chuckled, nodding her head. “I trust you when you say I did.” 

She pulled her hand back, and Sam observed her as her thumb stroked her left ring finger as if to twist the piece of jewelry that was no longer there. It was a nervous habit. He’d seen her do it a few times. Her strokes froze, and Sam met her eyes to find her gazing back at him. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, shying away from his eyes at being caught in the act. 

“I, um… I hacked my own phone. Which sounds totally weird saying it out loud.” She laughed with a note of self-consciousness but sat up straighter in her chair. “I found all the messages we exchanged. Whoever tried to delete all traces of you did a good job, but I’m better.” 

Sam couldn’t hide his excitement. Even if he hadn’t leaned his elbows on the table to get closer to her, the eagerness in his voice would have betrayed him. “So you really believe me?” 

“I’m eighty percent there,” she confessed. “If someone went to all these lengths to make me forget you, someone else could have gone to the same lengths to make me believe your story.” 

Sam smiled wistfully but dropped his head to look at his hands. She believed him but didn’t at the same time. He couldn’t blame her. Still, it didn’t hurt any less. 

Her hand covered his, and he lifted his eyes to meet hers. “Eighty percent is a definite improvement on the zero percent yesterday. And I know it’s only been a day, but I can see why I was…” She took a deep breath and corrected herself, “...why I would be happy with you.” 

He grinned, and a slight blush tinged his cheeks. “So what’s on your mind? What’re you not asking me?” 

She puffed a tiny laugh. “This is going to sound dumb...or not,” she shrugged. “I’ve forgotten who you are, right? I can remember every other aspect of my life, even the last few months you said we were together. You’re just missing from it.” 

“Right,” said Sam, intrigued. 

“But I haven’t suffered any injuries or mental breakdown, as far as I’m aware. So, it’s not medical or physical,” she kept her eyes on him to gauge his reaction. “I think it’s something else. I don’t know what, but I think maybe you do. That whatever it is, that’s why you had to plead the fifth all the time.” 

His eyes fell from hers. “I think I would have told you eventually,” he said, realizing as he said it that it would have been inevitable unless one of them had broken things off. “Perhaps I was just waiting for the right time.”

She smiled reassuringly. “But now isn’t the time.” She drank the last of her wine. “Can we save the heavy stuff for tomorrow?” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes,” she told him firmly. “I want to hear more of the Brooke and Sam story.”

“Well, I’m more than happy to continue telling you, but um...” Sam shuffled forward in his seat, leaning across the table to ensure she heard his whispered words, “...the next part of the story requires a little privacy.” 

Brooke raised her brow. “Oh, we’re getting to the juicy parts.” She rubbed her hands together, making Sam laugh. “Well, let’s get out of here, and you can tell me in the car on the way back.”

Then

The rusted hinges on the old blue mustang creaked in protest as Sam pulled the door shut. He sympathized; he felt old and rusted, too. He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the rearview mirror and sighed wearily, adjusting it so he could access his face closer. He already knew the bruises were there, but he winced, remembering the blows that caused them all the same. 

The four-day-old bruise under his left eye covered half of his cheek, and a small cut in the center - courtesy of the shifter’s gaudy ring - looked angry and red around the edges. Large purple bruises littered his abdomen, more evidence of the blows he’d taken to the ribs. Thankfully, none of them were broken, but he still felt the bite of pain when he breathed too deeply. He’d got off lightly, all things considered. He’d had worse, just not in the time he’d been dating Brooke.

Almost two weeks had passed since he’d last seen her. He’d been counting the hours like a lovestruck teenager. Each day that passed only increased his craving to kiss her, leaving him that much more desperate. He yearned to lay his head in her lap and fall asleep as she ran her manicured nails through his hair. He longed to touch her unblemished skin and breath in her comforting scent. 

Sam had been at the bunker for four days and could have easily sated his craving for Brooke days ago, but he’d put it off. He didn’t want to lie to her. His bruises were too fresh and visible for her not to question him, and he knew she would ask what happened. He’d respect her wishes and wouldn’t lie to her if she asked, but the truth wasn’t an option, either. Sam couldn’t, or rather wouldn't, tell her the real reason he was black and blue. He wasn’t ready to share that secret just yet. 

Brooke had kept her word and allowed him to plead the fifth. She had asked what kind of case he was working on that had kept him away for so long, and he had replied with, ‘I plead the fifth’. Her response had been to change the subject. She simply asked him to wrap it up as quickly as he could because she missed him. 

His thumb hovered over her name on his phone.  A small part of him hoped she wouldn’t answer if only to give him an extra day for the bruises to fade or a chance for Cas to show up and heal him. Maybe she was asleep. Just after ten thirty on a Thursday night, there was a chance. Only, she’d answered his late calls before, her voice husky from sleep. The image drew a smile to his lips, and his thumb hit her name without another moment's hesitation. 

It rang four times before she answered with a cheerful, “Hi, babe.” 

The smile he heard in her voice brought his own to a full-on grin, and the small part of him that wanted an extra day away from her disappeared with the two simple words. 

“HEY, SAM!” her friends chorused dreamily in the background. 

He laughed while Brooke chuckled. He adored the fact that her friends instantly knew it was him on the other end despite Brooke using a pet name. “The girls say hi, too,” she told him, just in case he missed it. 

“I heard. Tell them I say hi back.” He waited for her to relay his message, then asked, “Are you too busy to talk?”

“Never too busy for you, babe.” 

A thrill of excitement and a pang of guilt washed through him. He’d regularly been too busy for her, sent her calls to voicemail, or took hours to reply to texts, but she always made time for him and never complained about his lack of communication. 

“I wanted to come over. If it’s not too late? I know you have work tomorrow.” 

“I’m over at Emily’s, but I can be home in like half an hour.” 

“Okay, great. I’ll be there within the hour.”

Sam jogged toward the door that had become a beacon of bliss. He’d only had good experiences once he’d passed through it, and he doubted tonight would be any different. The notion that Brooke was so close that he could touch her once he was past that door made his stride longer and quicker. 

“Hey, it’s me,” he called out once he crossed the threshold. 

“In here,” she replied from the kitchen. 

He shrugged out of his jacket and kicked off his boots, leaving them behind the front door before continuing his eager jog toward the kitchen. The warm, cotton-fresh aroma of clean clothes filled his nose as he entered to see Brooke exiting the laundry room with a basket full of folded clothes on her hip. The homey smell and seeing her perform such a mundane, ordinary task took his breath away. It was such a contrast to the blood and violence he’d dealt with the days before, and at that moment, he recognized how much he cherished being with her. Being around Brooke gave him a sense of being home.  

Sam crossed the small space and snaked his arms around her waist while she was turned to close the door, releasing his held breath in the kiss he placed on her neck. Brooke hummed delightedly and pushed her back into him, “I’ve missed you.” 

“I’ve missed you, too,” he smiled softly. His eyes fell shut to soak in the warmth of her skin, and he breathed in the smell of her fruity shampoo and summer blossom perfume. 

He squeezed her waist and felt her tilt her head to allow him the room he needed to place another kiss just under her ear. Sam focused his other senses. Her scent and warmth overwhelmed him. He finally registered the fabric of her sleep shorts where his hands rested on her hips, and his cheek brushed against the old fraying material of the t-shirt she favored when going to bed. 

“You tired?” he asked, just above a whisper. 

“A little,” she mumbled, turning around in his arms. 

He swallowed a thick, nervous breath, afraid of her reaction to the bruises still decorating his face and body. She inhaled sharply, not quite a gasp but near enough. Concern creased her brow as she scanned his face. She used a light touch on his cheek to turn his head to assess it properly. 

“What…” She cleared her throat as if to swallow the question before she corrected herself. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine. Just a little tired; it’s been a long couple of weeks,” he replied. It was a simple but true answer.  

Sam could tell she wanted to ask for more, but her teeth sunk into her bottom lip to stop any further questions from escaping. Maybe she’d question him later, but for now, she seemed just as happy to see him, bruises included, as he was to see her. It was evident in her coy smile and quick kiss. 

Sam smiled softly. She trusted him. The short but truthful answer had been enough for her. 

“I was going to invite you upstairs, but if you aren't up to it…” she said, eyeing his bruises with concern.

Sam didn’t reply except to take the laundry basket from her. “Lead the way,” he said softly.

He followed her up the stairs and placed the basket in the corner of the room, stepping around the bed to help remove the decorative cushions that matched the duvet when he saw her begin to pull them off. This was not how he’d envisioned this encounter - and he’d envisioned it several different ways. It seemed right for it to be this relaxed, though. Almost familiar, as if they’d gone up to bed together a dozen times, when in fact, this was the first. But he was hesitant to get undressed. He knew when he removed his shirt that she’d see the extent of his bruising and all the scars from past hunts, and his damaged face would seem trivial in comparison.   

Sam wanted to know Brooke better. He wanted to be with her as much as he could, while he could. It was a small step, not knowing where it would land him, but he removed his t-shirt while she was focused on neatly piling the cushions, then stood tall and waited for her to face him again. Her brown eyes wandered over his body, wide and sorrowful as they processed each imperfection. 

“Sam, are you sure you’re okay?” she asked with a slight tremble in her voice.

He assured her with a tight smile and soft tone, “I’m fine, really.” 

She made her way closer to him with a slight scowl. His reassurance hadn’t quite convinced her. “Do they hurt?” 

“Sure, a little,” he shrugged, “but I can handle it.”

Brooke laughed, “Alright, tough guy.” She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and slowly traced her fingertips down the nastiest bruise adorning his ribcage. 

“Are you going to ask?” 

“No, I asked you never to lie to me, remember?” Her gaze switched from her fingers to his eyes, “And you’d have to lie to explain these, right?”

Sam’s sigh was heavy and laced with regret. He nodded his head just once.

“Then I don’t need to know,” concluded Brooke.

He hated and adored, in equal measure, how understanding she was. He disliked that it made him want to tell her the truth even more. He was toeing a dangerous line. He didn’t want to burden her with the realities of his world, but it was eating him up to keep secrets from her. He loved that she’d never put him in the position to make him betray her trust.

Sam combed his fingers through the back of her hair and pulled her into him to kiss her pillowy lips. Her hands wrapped around his waist, and she moaned, barely audible, against him. If it hadn’t been for the vibrations against his lips, Sam might have missed it. 

He felt her hands travel up his side, then she hesitated, hovering just above his skin before she broke away to look up at him timidly. Her hands rested on his hips as her eyes took inventory of his wounds again. 

“You can touch them,” said Sam. “You’re not going to hurt me.”

Brooke tentatively brushed her fingertips over the edges of a mark above his left hip bone, her touch featherlight and shy. “Does it hurt if I touch you here?” she asked. 

“No.” 

She spread her palm flat against his chest and felt the pulse of his heart as it started to beat faster. 

“Here?” 

Sam shook his head no as he played with her brunette tresses, enjoying the glossy texture. 

Her hand smoothed down his torso. “How about here?”   

“Nope.” 

Both her hands met over the defined muscles of his stomach. “Here?” 

A small, knowing smile crept to his mouth as he realized what she was doing. “You’re doing the exact opposite of hurting me,” he confessed, dipping down to kiss her lightly. 

The blush that stained her cheeks when he pulled back made his heart thud. “So, you’re okay to…”

He wet his lips and laughed softly. He found her slight embarrassment endearing. “What do you have in mind?”  

Brooke shied away from his gaze and cleared her throat. “You’re tired. We should sleep.” 

Sam reached for her face, tipping her head to look up at him again. “I’m never too tired for you, Brooke,” he told her sincerely. Her blush grew a shade deeper, and Sam leaned down to claim her mouth. He gently placed his hands on the back of her thighs and lifted her with ease, so her legs framed his waist. The motion hurt a tad more than he expected, but he didn’t mind. 

She pulled back and looked down between their bodies with worry. “Sam, you're injured.” 

He chuckled and kissed her lips quickly, “Stop worrying about me.”  

“I don’t want to hurt-” 

He cut off her protest with a hard kiss and gently laid her down on the bed. He stood back up to full height and started unbuttoning his jeans. He watched Brooke prop herself up on her elbows, leaning back to take him in. When he bent to push his jeans down his legs, she sat up to give herself enough room to pull her shirt over her head. 

He drank in her bare breasts as he straightened again and observed her nipples harden as the chill in the air reached them. Sam quickly climbed over her, kissing her passionately and eagerly. She gasped against his lips and ran her fingers through his hair, tugging a little once she had a good handful. 

He grew more aroused as he ground down on top of her. The friction of her sleep shorts rubbed against him, and he couldn’t stop himself. 

She mewled, “Oh god, Sam,” and bucked her hips to meet his thrust. Sam growled and lowered his mouth to her neck, biting and sucking on the skin in turn. Her chest heaved as her breaths became labored, and the soft skin of her breasts lightly brushed his chest as he peppered her neck with lustful kisses. 

Her delicate fingertips brushed down his chest and danced along the waistband of his boxers, and he wondered if she was as nervous as he felt. He was keen to impress her and wanted to make her feel good. Better than good, he wanted to make her toes curl, make her need him even when he was still buried inside her, and none of that was a secret he intended to keep. 

Her pulse increased. He felt it quicken under his tongue when he sucked a small chunk of her flesh into his mouth to leave his mark. He couldn’t help the swell of pride he felt that he had been the cause of her rapid heartbeat. She hissed as he dragged his teeth lazily over her collarbone, and she took the opportunity to roll her hips into him.

He mouthed over the valley of her breasts and down her stomach as his hands trailed a path to hook onto the waistband of shorts. He backed off the bed and kneeled on the floor. Sam locked his eyes on hers and peeled her shorts away slowly. She lifted her hips to help him push them down her legs.

The shorts ended up around one ankle as he eagerly dragged her to sit at the edge of the mattress. 

She gazed down at him, brown eyes wide and lust-blown as she chewed on her bottom lip. Somehow, she’d managed to look cute, seductive, and sexy all at the same time, and Sam knew that would be the image he conjured in his mind the next time he found himself alone. 

He kissed her inner thigh, grazed his teeth over her skin, and she hissed but arched her back to push herself into him. Hot breath ghosted over her glistening sex, she gasped, and his name escaped her lips, pleading and unashamed. He was quick to taste her, impatient to discover what other sounds he could draw from her. 

She threw her head back when he licked a line from her pulsing clit to her entrance. Her brunette hair cascaded down her back onto the bed. “Oh, fuck, Sam!” 

He licked one strip back up from her entrance to her bundle of nerves, swirled his tongue around the hood, and back down again.

Brooke combed her fingers through his hair, gripped a handful, and held him in place, encouraging him to continue as she whimpered and writhed beneath his tongue. He lifted her leg over his shoulder and wrapped his arm around to lay his palm flat on her stomach to keep her pinned to the mattress. 

She tasted sweet, and Sam wanted so much more, he wanted to spend hours feeling her buck and grind on his tongue, but he needed to feel her wrapped around him. The thought caused his cock to throb. So desperate to be inside her, he moaned around her clit before sucking it between his teeth.

She twitched and half sat up before she fell back again. “Sam,” she groaned. 

He teased one finger inside her, followed by a second. Her dripping arousal made it easy for him to curl and scissor his fingers. She raised the leg that wasn’t over his shoulder to rest her heel on the edge of the bed, her knee falling to the side to give him deeper access. The new position fueled a long purr from her, and Sam felt her clench around his fingers, sucking him in as he slowly drew them back. He worked her until she cried his name like a curse, and he flicked his tongue over her clit a couple of times before he felt her orgasm coat his fingers and tongue. He slowed his pace as she rode the high, and when her withered fidgeting slowed, he placed one last kiss on her swollen clit and sat back to rest on his heels. 

One hand reached into his boxers and pulled his erection free as he pushed them lazily down his legs. 

“Oh, shit,” she mumbled, taking in the sight of him.

Sam chuckled and stood, kicking his boxers off his legs and across the floor. Brooke slid off the bed and sank to her knees at his feet. 

“Fuck,” Sam muttered at the realization of what was to come. 

She smiled up at him, licked her lips wet, and wrapped a delicate hand around the thick, solid base of his cock. Sam loved how he looked so right in her small hand. He watched every languid movement. She very deliberately teased him, licked from base to tip, but didn’t actually put him in her mouth, and Sam impatiently grunted in protest. She repeated the action several times, and he had to admit the self-satisfied smirk she wore looked delicious on her. Though, he wasn’t sure how much of her teasing he could take. He ached for more. He fisted the back of her hair and desperately jutted his hips forward.

Brooke gave a mischievous smile before she swirled her tongue around his tip, licking up the pre-cum. “Damn,” Sam sighed and then lost his breath as she wrapped her puffy, kiss-swollen lips around him. Her mouth was warm and soft like velvet. Gradually, she moved further down his length until her lips met her hand at the base, then she retreated. She set the rhythm, gazing up at him the whole time as if to judge his reaction.

Sam tipped his head back and moaned, needy and low. He squeezed at the silky hair woven between his fingers. God, she was better than he imagined, and he almost couldn’t believe it was finally happening, that the beautiful woman staring up at him as she swallowed him completely was all his. 

He felt the all too familiar tightening, and he wanted to surrender, wanting her to take him over the edge. He wanted to indulge in the way her mouth felt enveloped around him, but he was eager to feel the rest of her, too. He withdrew, and his cock left her mouth with a soft pop. She smiled up at him as she wiped her lips. 

“You’re so fucking good at that,” Sam chuckled, a blush heating his cheeks. “But we have to stop.”

She laughed and reached over into the top drawer of the nightstand to retrieve a condom. He helped her to her feet, and she sat back on the bed. Sam kissed her deeply, using his height and strength to encourage her to lie back as he climbed over her. He returned his hand between her legs and slipped his fingers through her folds to ensure she was still prepared for him. She hadn’t lost any of the arousal he’d pulled from her earlier, and she felt wetter than she had been before. 

Sam growled, deep and chesty, as she gently rolled the condom over him. He rubbed some of her slick from his fingers over his shaft. As he settled between her legs, his eyes landed on hers. 

They’d never gone this far before, and they had agreed to take it slow, so he needed to be sure that it wasn’t too much, that it was what she wanted. She sensed his hesitation. Cupping his face in her hands, she smiled softly at him. 

“I want you, Sam,” said Brooke, sliding her hand down his body to grip him firmly. “Please,” she begged, stroking through her folds with his dick.  

Sam lined himself up and pushed into her carefully. Her back arched, and she clawed at his ribs over a wound that made him hiss. “Oh! I’m sorry!” she gasped and snatched her hand back.

Sam panted through the ache and closed his eyes as he waited for the throbbing to subside. 

“Do you need to stop?” asked Brooke. 

He couldn’t stop the chuckle that rumbled through his chest; they’d been interrupted so many times before, and he wouldn’t allow a minor pain that had already faded to disrupt their flow now. He shook his head, fixing his eyes to hers to make sure she could see he meant what he said, “No, I’m fine unless you want-”

She pushed her shoulders up off the bed and captured his mouth, stealing his words in an intoxicating kiss. He leaned into her, returning the kiss. Now that she wasn’t afraid she would hurt him, he felt her relax under him. She melted into the mattress, and he continued to sink inside until he became fully seated.

“Oh, wow,” she sighed breathlessly. “You’re so big,” she murmured, looking down between their bodies. 

“Are you okay?”  

Enthused, Brooke nodded instantly. “You feel incredible,” she reassured him. She bucked her hips upward, and Sam needed no more incentive to thrust. He grabbed both her hands, linked their fingers as he held them on either side of her head, and started to fuck into her slow and steady. 

She felt incredible enveloped around him, tight and warm, perfect.

He kept his pace gentle and calculated. They’d have plenty of time for rough and nasty in the future, to explore all the ways in which they craved release, but for now, Sam wanted their first time to be meaningful and special. 

He took in every detail: The way Brooke closed her eyes and softly whimpered. How her fingers curled and squeezed his, her nails leaving crescent moons where they dug into his hand. The husked sound of his name as it escaped her in whines and moans. Everything about it, about her, had him captivated. He kissed, nibbled, and sucked her neck and collarbone in between his breathless grunts.

She matched his rhythm, pushing herself onto him as he darted forward and dragged back only to meet his hips again. 

“Oh, fuck,” she gasped, sounding alarmed.

Sam stilled and pulled back to look at her. “You okay?”

Brooke rocked her hips and answered when he rejoined her rhythm. “I’m-I’m gonna cum,” she told him, wide-eyed. 

Sam laughed, somewhat relieved, and nuzzled the underside of her jaw with his nose. “That’s good, right?” he asked.

“Ye-yeah,” she agreed, voice tight as he felt her clench around him.

“That’s it, baby,” he encouraged, pulling back to see her face twisted in pleasure as she came undone beneath him. It was truly beautiful. Her hooded lids concealed her eyes for a second while she reveled in her orgasm, but they sparkled when she opened them onto him and gnawed her bottom lip. 

“Fuck, Sam,” she concluded. 

Sam grinned, proud of his work, and picked up the pace, feeling his own release rise closer to the surface. He let go of her hands and gripped her hips, pulling them into him a little. He angled them so that he hit her sweet spot with every jut of his hips and her clit deliciously rubbed against him. Her moans grew louder, and she shuddered. Her fingers gripped the pillow behind her head as if to anchor her to the bed. 

“Oh God, please, Sam,” she begged, though he was unsure what for until she added, “please cum.” 

Sam didn’t need to be asked twice. His climax washed over him, and after a few more hard thrusts, he felt her clench him tightly again. “Oh, fuck, Brooke,” he panted, feeling her third orgasm shudder through her. He stilled and gasped for air. 

Labored breaths filled the silence, and he kissed her long and hard until they both had to pull away and pant to fill their lungs. Sam crashed down next to her and pulled her into him tightly. 

Brooke sighed happily. “Sam, that was…” 

“Perfect,” he concluded for her.

“Yeah, almost.” 

Sam frowned and pulled away to look down at her. “Wait...almost?”

“You’ve gotta have something to strive for,” she chuckled, kissing his chest.

Now

The silence of the bunker seemed to mock Sam as he dragged himself through the corridors. At times, the silence had been stifling, or the vast corridors reminded him of the emptiness he felt, and it had driven him - literally and metaphorically - to Brooke. Now, he didn’t need to flee or rush away to be with her. She was there, on the other side of the door he found himself frozen in front of, yet it felt as if she were oceans away. 

He braced his hands on either side of the door, staring down at his feet, and drew deep breaths, hoping the courage he needed would flow along with the air. He had bad news to deliver, which seemed to be all he had of late. The latest lead to find the cause of Brooke’s ‘Samnesia,’ as she had nicknamed it, had resulted in nothing but a black eye for Sam and the demon blade in the heart of the Crossroads Demon he had summoned for questioning. 

Dean had humored Sam, acting as backup and accompanying him to the crossroad, though they both knew it was unlikely that Brooke had made a deal to forget Sam. She shouldn’t even know that was an option. The scope of the amnesia had made it a suspicion, though. Because it wasn’t just Brooke, a few careful inquiries by her to her friends and family proved none of them could remember Sam, either, and few other things were capable of an effect that powerful and wide-reaching. Sam had had to at least rule it out for certain, had to check off all possibilities, and Dean had to be there to make sure Sam didn’t do something reckless. Though there had been no addition to the ever-expanding ‘Sam did a bad thing’ list, they had argued on the ride home. 

“You have to tell her, man. I know you don’t want to-”

“I’m not going to drag her into the shit heap that is our lives, Dean!” 

“Look around, Sammy!” said Dean, and the confines of the Impala made his voice sound even deeper. “She’s already in it!” 

They both chose to stare at the road ahead, giving each other a minute to collect themselves. 

“Tell her or let her go. I’m sorry, but I don’t see any other way.” Dean regarded him for a long moment. Sam felt his eyes on him as he stared into the cloud-filled sky. 

“Sam,” Dean prompted. 

“What?” snapped Sam, keeping his focus on the asphalt beyond the window.  

“Look at me,” Dean demanded. Sam gradually dragged his defeated and forlorn gaze to meet Dean’s. His brother’s tone was laced with sympathy as he asked, “Are you in love with her?”

Sam chewed the inside of his cheek and turned his gaze back outside.

“All the more reason to tell her the truth, Sam,” Dean sighed somewhat sadly. “So she knows exactly what she is getting herself into. Or what she’s already in.” Sam gave Dean a curious look, and Dean shrugged. “I mean, that’s where it was heading before, right? And she’s stuck around after you knocked her out and fed her some wild-ass tales. I’m just saying, even if she doesn’t remember, she feels something.”  

Sam hated to admit it, but Dean was right. He felt he’d known it was inevitable that he’d have to tell her the truth the moment he brought her to the bunker. He told himself he’d only delayed the conversation for Brooke’s benefit, but that had been a lie. He hadn’t been ready. He still wasn’t sure he was ready now. 

Didn’t Brooke losing her memory of them mean he’d already lost her? What if this final, necessary confession was what broke the camel’s back? When she knew what he’d been hiding, wouldn't she leave? And not just the things he’d hidden before, but also now after he'd asked her to trust him. 

And she had trusted him. She'd trusted him with her life. Why else would she not have run away at the first chance she got? Would the revelation of demons, monsters, ghouls, ghosts, witches, and all things that stalked the night be the end?

Over the years, he’d seen all sorts of reactions to the truth: panic, crying, fear, laughter, disbelief, understanding, empathy, and even relief. But he had no idea how Brooke would respond. That scared him almost as much as the thought that she’d walk away - which she’d have every right to do - and he’d never see her again. And he didn’t want that because that would mean he wouldn’t be able to fix whatever was wrong. And he was also certain he’d be unable to move on if she did. 

The fear of her leaving him was still knotted in his chest as he stood outside her door, and he had to cough to regain his breath. He knew she’d have heard him, so he knocked before he lost his nerve. Brook replied for him to enter almost instantly.

She greeted him with a welcoming smile, though it faded to a concerned frown the moment she saw his blackening eye. 

Sam attempted to give her a reassuring smile, hearing her sharp intake of breath, but it fell flat. “I’m okay,” he lied. 

Physically, it may have been true. His eye didn’t hurt, but he was far from okay. He was about to do the one thing he’d never wanted to do, and he felt sick at the prospect of ruining her happy, normal civilian life. 

“We need to, um…can we talk?” 

He held her gaze as long as he could, surveying her while she registered the seriousness of his tone. Without a word, she lifted her computer from her lap and set it on the nightstand before dragging herself to the bed’s end, putting her feet firmly on the floor. 

Brooke gazed at him expectantly, her mouth twitching at the corners, and it reminded Sam that he was the one that had to do the talking. He began to pace back and forth in the small space the room offered. He didn’t know what to do with himself. Sit beside her? Stay standing? Would that be too intimidating? A large imposing man looming over her while he told her about all the things that went bump in the night? Should he pull the chair from under the table and sit directly across from her?

Brooke must have understood his hesitation, or else his pacing made her dizzy because she stood up and took his hand to guide him back to sit beside her. 

She folded a leg underneath herself and turned her body toward him. “Let me guess; it’s time for the heavy stuff.”   

Sam puffed a humorless laugh through his nose. Though she’d guessed correctly, it had been an understatement. He played with his fingers nervously, any excuse not to have to meet her eye. “There’s never an easy way to tell someone this, or if there is, I haven’t found it yet.” 

Do it, Sam, just rip the band-aid off. 

His gaze drifted up, but he couldn’t hold her eye, not until he was done, at least. Instead, he twisted to mimic her pose and spoke very carefully. 

“Monsters are real.”

Afraid of seeing trepidation on her face or seeing the moment she decided he was, in fact, bat shit crazy and ran from the room screaming, he continued his spiel. He needed to get it out, but he chose to stare at a spot on the beige rug to the left of her. 

“All the scary stuff your parents told you was only in the movies - demons, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters - all of it; it’s all real.” 

He waited a long moment, his whole body tense. His chest heaved, and the twisting knots of anxiety threatened to cut off his air supply. Before he found the courage to raise his gaze to gauge her reaction, she used a gentle finger under his chin to pull his worried eyes up. 

She gifted him a small, meaningful smile, her voice timid when she confessed, “I know.”  

Relief coursed through him momentarily before confusion took over. He scanned her expression, looking for the hint of a lie or some form of explanation. “How?” 

She chuckled, scarlet cheeks deepening before she spoke. “Dean, let slip your last name the first morning I was here. As soon as I was alone, I googled you.” She waited for a heartbeat for the news to register. “Tell me, Sam Winchester,” she started, smirking, “have you ever googled yourself?” 

Sam groaned. He could only imagine the information she’d uncovered; news articles, FBI’s most wanted lists, Carver Edlund, Becky Rosen’s fan club. The list was embarrassingly endless. “I don’t think I want to know what you found.” 

Brooke laughed. “Some of it was very interesting,” she explained wide-eyed. “Federal manhunts, murder sprees, rock star aliases; there was a lot. Most of it probably should have made me get the hell out of here and call Brett.” Sam winced at the thought, but she continued. “Something made me keep digging, though. Maybe it was morbid curiosity, or maybe I just didn’t want to believe all those things about you. Then I came across an interesting, albeit weird, series of books, which led me to some enthusiastic fans of said books. Can I just say that the discovery of fanfiction has taught me a lot about kinks I never knew existed? And don’t even get me started on ships.”

Sam groaned again, but the fact that Brooke’s fingers played with his lax hand that dangled off the edge of his knee was encouraging. Fanfiction aside, the other stuff was pretty serious. He was relieved she wasn’t more scared of him now than when he’d kidnapped her. “So you’ve known for, what, three days? Why didn’t you say something before?”

She shrugged slightly. Now, she seemed reluctant to meet his eyes. “Honestly, I wasn’t sure I believed any of it. Not fully anyway, and I wanted to see if you would tell me.” 

She’d admitted to testing his honesty, but he didn’t blame her. It wasn’t an ideal situation, and they were both navigating new territory. He’d have done the same if the situation were reversed.  

“And what do you believe now?” 

Her fingers clasped his like she needed to hold on to him to really decide what she thought. “I believe you,” said Brooke, but Sam could see she felt foolish for doing so. She glanced at him and quickly dropped her eyes when she saw him staring intently back at her. “Which, honestly, that kinda scares me more than the knowledge of monsters and vampires being out there,” she said, shrugging off her revelation. The gesture seemed to give her the confidence to face him again. 

She may not have known Sam, but he knew her better than she realized, and he knew her nonchalant attitude was a mask to hide something deeper. His brow furrowed, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you are going to have to explain the CCTV footage of you and Dean shooting people if you want me to truly believe you’re not a serial killer,” she said, not lightly but with enough disbelief that Sam wasn’t too worried. “Ironically, if you hadn’t come in here talking about monsters unprompted, I’d probably be planning my escape. Even so, it scares me that I don’t really know you, but somehow I trust you.” She gave a nervous laugh, meeting his intense stare once again. “You could tell me the sky is green and the grass is blue, and I think I’d believe you.” 

Sam wet his lips unconsciously, and his stomach turned in on itself as she moved in. Her lips brushed against his and stole the air between them. He’d spent more time than he’d like to admit staring at her mouth since she’d been at the bunker, remembering all the times they’d been locked in a passionate kiss or wrapped around him, but his memory hadn’t done it justice. The soft, supple warmth of her mouth was so much better than he remembered.

Sam allowed her entry when her tongue requested permission, gliding gently over his bottom lip. His hands found the small of her back, and he moaned into her mouth when she straightened to get closer. She used a tight grip around his neck as leverage to pull herself over to straddle him. 

Memory and instinct took over, and he became completely hard before she’d settled into his lap. Hungry fingers scrambled to find the hem of her t-shirt, and she broke the kiss to pull it over her head. 

The disconnection jump-started Sam’s brain, and he froze, body rigid as his fingers dug into her hips to hold her at bay when she tried to reconnect their lips. 

“Wait,” said Sam. “I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” he told her earnestly. “I want to…god, I can’t tell you how much I want to.” He sighed, annoyed that, even though the insatiable ache to feel her touch had haunted him for weeks, he couldn’t accept it, not like that. “I’m probably going to regret saying this, but we have to stop.”

She nodded, but disappointment flashed in her eyes, and her body slumped at his rejection. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have- it kinda felt,” she shrugged, and Sam waited for her to find the words. “Natural, I guess. Familiar somehow,” her brow creased with a sort of confusion. “It’s almost like deja vu, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Sorry.”

“No! Shit. Brooke, it’s not you…” He raked a hand down his face as she lifted herself out of his lap. ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ had been what he wanted to say, but it sounded ridiculous. It was neither of them. “Brooke, I’m sorry, I just…”

She stood and hastily pulled her shirt back on. “Sam, stop.” 

“It means something different to me than it does to you, and I can’t be with you, not like that, if it doesn’t-”

Her finger on his lips halted his explanation. “I get it,” said Brooke genuinely. “To me, it would be our first time, but it’s not for you.” 

Heavy-hearted, he nodded and took her finger from his mouth to place a featherlight kiss on her palm. Then he used his grasp to pull her to stand between his legs and held her in place with his hands on her hips. “I’m sorry,” he said, gazing up at her.

“Stop apologizing,” she said. She smiled down at him, pushing a wayward chunk of his hair from his face. Tentatively, she dipped her head, and Sam watched as her eyes darted from his to his mouth and back again, searching for any sign of rejection. Though, to be sure, she asked anyway. “Can I kiss you?”

He answered by closing the gap and kissing her. When the urge to allow his hands to roam became too much to ignore, he pulled away, resting his head against hers to catch his breath, not completely ready to break the connection. Sam lingered with his eyes closed. He whispered, “I hate this. It’s all my fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I never should have left you. After we found out about the stalking, I should have stayed.”

Chapter 6 - Calm The Chaos

Series tag list is open.

Master Lists: Samnesia // All The Fandoms

#Samnesia #Supernatural #Sam Winchester #Dean Winchester #Sam Winchester Smut #smut #fluff #angs #spn #supernatural #Sam Winchester x OFC #OFC

[xlounzrhot]

⚠️CW⚠️

Ok so, I got an idea:

Sober Gamzee❌🥧❌ but hes only tryin to go sober bc Dave😎 told him he was 🧊cool/funny🤡 that 1 time n the positive🥰reinforcement rly stuck with him n he kinda craves his approval now?🥺

Like, its rly gross🤢 n unhealthy how he starts obsessin over Dave bein nice to him n even jus perceivin him😐but its also rly sweet when he gets that serotonin like😳"P-p-positive feelings? 😍Love? 💌Friendship? 💞Admiration? 💀Climb inside of his ribcage? 🩸Mix my blood with his and become one with him?"

Replacin 1 unhealthy addiction with another n Dave is so scared for both of them n its horrible.😗

🤔Damn. I forgot how fun it is just writin fucked up shit like this...

#also trans #bc why the fuck not #blood #semi gore? #idk how to explain it #content warning #obsession #yandere #clownfucker #coulrophilia #clown #xlounzrhot #gamzee makara #homestuck #dave strider #gamdave #angs #sober gamzee #fanfic idea

[liapursues]

Dillemas on Birthdays

#angs #vent comic #old art #digital #comic page #artists on tumblr #birthday party

[astridscale]

Hi everyone, I write Trigun fanfics on AO3 if anyone is interested in reading them!

#trigun #vash the stampede #fanfic #fanfiction #trigun stampede #trigun 1998 #millions knives #nicholas d. wolfwood #meryl stryfe #trigun fanfiction #ao3 #read on a03 #i wrote it #great read #angs #trigun angst #trigun anime

[ally-holmes]

Last words on normal people:

A *holding B*: Look at me. Don't close your eyes. I'm here.

B *dying*: And- just remember- that I- I love you...

A: I know. I know. I love you too. No... Come on, don't leave me... Please-

Last words on Reddie:

Richie *putting Eddie on the floor with his jacket against the hole on his chest*: Hey...

Eddie *with a hole on his chest and dark blood coming out of his mouth*: Hey, Richie... I got to tell you something.

Richie *seeing his whole world crumbling*: What? What's up buddy?

Eddie: I fuc*ed your mother.

Richie *between angry and sad*: ...

Eddie *dying*: hehe

#i'm still hurt by this btw #eddie darling you should have lived #IT FANDOM #it stephen king #it 2017 #it chapter one #it chapter two #it chapter 2 #it #movie #terror #quotes #angst dialogue #angs #reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #pennywise

[anaryllis]

i painted my darling son

#ange draws #sucklet