#and work was like literally fine so idk why i’m also feeling deeply stressed about THAT

[bright-and-burning]

please tell me being an adult gets easier

#day five of living on my own #and i am sick and exhausted and i have to set up my wifi AND cook AND clean #and work was like literally fine so idk why i’m also feeling deeply stressed about THAT #ok i’m definitely mostly just hungry but i still feel like having a meltdown

[kiss4kazu]

ooh! can i request something spicy?? maybe headcanons of claude, dimitri, and felix’s kinks?

spicy hcs | dimitri, felix, claude

this is combo between just kink hcs and also how first times being freaky w these three go hahhahahahhahah screams. this is not safe for kiddos so proceed with caution folks 

felix <3 

whew, okay. sweats. um 

so the first time u and felix do the do was definitely not planned. things tend to escalate a lot with felix when it comes to intimacy. pecks goodnight lead up to make out sessions and all of a sudden his hand is down your pants and you’re honestly not complaining. 

felix is definitely more of a giver than a receiver, not because he liked giving, but because he liked being in control. he liked seeing you writhe beneath him and all that jazz. 

he’d definitely deny you from reaching your high multiple times, partially to draw out the activity since you tend to come quite quickly beneath his touch but also because hearing you whine his name helplessly was a really big fucking turn on and he always swelled with pride knowing he was the only person who can turn you into a sobbing mess. 

felix has 2 moods. his soft and pliant types of fucking, and his arrogant, i’m big bad felix fraldarius and my cock is 30inches long type of fucking. he knows hes hot, he knows he has a pretty dick, might as well utilize it.

he hates praise when it’s ingenuine, for things intangible that he hadn’t earned himself. when it’s people praising him for his title or the power of a fraldarius battalion. 

but praise when it comes from you? when it’s you letting him know just how amazing he feels inside of you, how with every thrust of his hips your brain short-circuits and your eyes water with unspilled tears? when it’s you not being able to even form coherent words anymore because felix fraldarius is throbbing inside of you... yeah, that kind of praise. it does wonders for him and his dick. 

he’s also into hair-pulling

and overstimulation

hes also rly rly easily jealous like if someone else was making eyes with you or perhaps you were giggling a little too loudly with some handsome noble he’d just yank you away and march u up the stairs to his dormitory before kissing you hard 

he’s the type to make u beg and be rly possessive he’d just fuck you so ruthlessly hair stuck to his skin, panting “you’re mine. mine. say it” and u would just cry bc why tf he so sexy hello-

as mentioned in my kissing post, felix sucks the life out of you when he kisses you so it’s only logical that he fucks the life out of you too.  

im kidding ofc!! not rly

although he’s on the giving end of things, it’s still completely self-indulgent, felix gets off just knowing he’s getting you off because he’s a sexy narcissist like that. 

but on some days, he really really wanted you to know he cared a lot about you. 

felix isn’t the best with words, but he was really good with his tongue, so things usually worked out okay. he’d kiss you, everywhere. every inch of you, leaving hickeys in even the most visible places because who fucking cares. you were his, he needed you to know that. he needed everyone to know that. 

he can be sensitive sometimes too, make love, if you will. 

he has to be rly emotional tho, so it’s probably after something eventful happens in his life. like when the kingdom takes back fhirdiad, or wins the war. or when he’s sleepy and tired and wakes up hard and is just too lazy to put on his big bad scary persona. 

sleepy felix is submissive felix, aka my favorite felix. sleepy horny felix is all whiny and blushy and just wanted to come and he absolutely despised himself for it

you were well aware of how much he hated himself for being soft and needy, but that made teasing him all the more fun.

so yes, some nights felix would fuck you brainless and soak in the sound of your voice crying out his name helplessly. but on other nights, felix would lay down, his hair splayed against the pillow, your fingers twirling his locks and tugging gently as your other hand jerked him off, lips pressed against his as you breathed in his whines and grunts.

hearing him whine was a really rare sight, but it did slip out occasionally, when you squeezed the base of his member unexpectedly or when you took him deep into your throat and swallowed around him. felix really likes fucking your mouth. 

yeah felix is an emotionally constipated sex god 

claude ! 

whew lord. 

ok so claude, my sweet, cheeky, little shit <3 

the first time probs wasnt even intentional with him either he was just teasing you a little too much and things got a bit carried away but it’s a great time nonetheless

doing the do with claude is probably a rollercoaster ride, he would literally never shut up and would just say the most stupid things and you’d hate yourself for still being so desperate for his touch because somehow in between his terrible jokes and merciless teasing he whispered complete filth into your ears.

he’s a master of dirty talk, chuckling against the shell of your ear at the sound of you choking out a sob at his words, tugging at your earlobe just to spur you on even further. 

“don’t tell me you’re clocking out already?” you’d just glare at him in frustration despite your flushed cheeks and he’d kiss you on the tip of your nose and laugh in amusement at your misery 

he’ll literally do everything but fuck you, covering every inch of your skin in love bites, especially your chest. he’d literally eat you out or suck you off until you were dizzy but if you want him inside of you, he’d definitely make you beg. 

if you ever tried to get smart with him… um, he’d uh .. p-punish you 

not like in a pain kink type of way he’d just pull out right before you could nut and would laugh maniacally in your face afterwards because that’s what you get for being a smart ass ! denying u from coming is basically how he punishes u so its a pretty long night but claude’s really really good with his tongue so you’re guaranteed to come like 3 times at minimum anyways

he’d devour you, all smirks and with eyes filled with mirth and he wouldn’t give in until you were absolutely wrecked under him. 

he’s very um… dominant, i would say

but not an aggressive dom, definitely a playful dom who enjoys edging and teasing a bit too much 

he’s also pretty experimental, i can see claude as a bit of an exhibitionist also, he’d probably fuck you in the cathedral just for shits and giggles 

but he is human and despite how much of  a little shit claude is he’s just as wrecked as you he’s just much better at hiding it 

he’d probs quit the teasing once he himself can’t handle it anymore

and wow uh thats when claude gets all sensual 

when claude’s kind of in overdrive and completely uncoordinated just messily thrusting over and over again to finally get you both to that place thats when he becomes all romantic and lovey 

would compliment you to no amounts end, call you all sorts of pet names like honey, sweetheart, baby, etc. 

his messy curls would stick to his skin, his forehead pressed firmly against yours, verdant eyes blown wide maintaining eye contact with you just for that extra level of intimacy because watching you when you’re like this really drives him over the edge. 

he’d pant against your lips, kiss you roughly and somehow find it in himself to even let out an amused laugh because he’s having sex and that’s kind of funny for some reason

claude’s pull-out game probably a1 but idk he’s possessive in less conventional ways so i feel like he’d  get off to the thought of releasing inside you and watching him drip down your thighs bc yea

claude is also the king of aftercare let it be known

he’d have so much energy after sex for some reason like he’d just hop right up clean your bodies, fetch you tea if you wanted some and curl up with you resting on his chest, running his fingers over the skin of your arms tenderly and smiling softly to himself when exhaustion takes over you and you slip into a warm slumber against his chest. 

i love him bye

dima 

ok so dimi is a busy busy boy and even when he does have free time he’s never entirely there his mind is always kind of somewhere else u know 

he’s always struggled w getting a proper night's rest and always overworks himself into hysteria

so, as his lovely s/o, you presume a nice session to destress will help loosen those knots in his muscles and all that chaos whirring around in his mind

you were thinking a nice trip to the sauna or something

but dimi had other ideas 

 he’d just look at you and his gaze would darken all of a sudden and with just a glance at him you already feel the wind being knocked out of you 

it would be rly sudden, like dimitri’s just rly needy all of a sudden and he’s taking whatever you’ll give rly he has so much pent up stress and needs some form of release and he’s so so emotional and touchy and won’t stop kissing you with so much fervor and desperation

dimi is 1000% a lovemaker im sorry u cannot convince me otherwise. unless he is feral. if he is feral then understandable have a good day. 

he’s all about pampering and kissing every inch of you and asks every five minutes is this okay? are you comfortable? does that hurt? are you sure? because he’s terrible with fragile things and if he ever hurt you he’d never forgive himself poor baby

part of you just wants to grab his face and say !!! im fine !!! you big idiot !! but you just pull him to your chest and nuzzle your face into his neck and breathe him in deeply, kissing his jaw gently before reassuring him i’m fine dimi, stop worrying 

he’d calm down instantly and focus back on the task at hand, pleasuring the love of his life hehe

BODY WORSHIPPING non stop praises just kissing everywhere his lips come across you’d love it but hate it at the same time bc part of you just wants him in u already and the other half of u is just so so enamoured by him and feels so warm and loved and appreciated

he’s more of a giver than a receiver as well though for opposite reasons compared to felix, he worries about your comfort so much to the extent where it distracts him from his own pleasure, and it isn’t until he’s inside of you that he remembers and is like oh wow fuck and yea things dont usually last very long for him since he always neglects his own pleasure in favor of yours. he gets so focused on making u feel good because he loves you so much and he needs you to know that so yeah he doesn’t remember to even touch himself lmao 

you’d probably come like twice before dimi even whips his schlong out 

at the peak of his pleasure tho dimi gets kinda rough ngl. he’s a person whos very emotionally driven so when everything gets to be a bit too much he’s just slamming into you with so much force your skin stings, grip so tight on your hips there’s sure to be bruises in the morning but despite how rough he is his eyes are nothing but gentle and so so loving 

probably says something like oh seiros when he’s about to come LMAOOO 

dimi is also a king with aftercare but he’d probably knock out like a log afterwards and it’d be like the best sleep he’d get tbh all warm and satiated and just content

dimi sex god 

#fe3h #claude x reader #fe3h fics #fe3h requests #fe3h imagines #claude von riegan #claude imagines #claude scenarios #fe3h scenarios #fire emblem three houses #dimitri x reader #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #dimitri imagines #dimitri scenarios #felix fraldarius x reader #felix fraldarius #felix fraldarius scenarios

[muzzleroars]

Honestly, my biggest problem with the rest of the thieves in general is not the Maruki thing (that's Maruki's toxicity, not theirs). It's the fact that they don't even put in half of the physical, mental, and emotional effort into Joker that Joker puts into them. I'm not saying they're bad people, but they are emotionally neglecting Joker, and if this continues he'll be in a very bad state. And the worst part is they wouldn't have even consciously put him there. I honest-to-god believe that Joker and the thieves should cut ties in order to keep their relationship from turning into something truly awful and emotionally damaging for both parties

oh man...oh boy....i’ve had to think about how to tackle this one because i don’t agree with this point of view At All and you can’t change my mind, but it’s also a take i’ve seen floating around so i might as well get my feelings out about it here. so ig let’s get into it

this is an idea that afaik is based entirely around how the confidant system works and so is automatically rendered flimsy right off the bat imo - each character’s personal arc is generally based around akira helping them with some kind of issue which, when coupled with akira’s role as a silent protagonist, means there is very little reciprocation for them helping out akira. this is a game mechanic, pure and simple, and i don’t believe it reflects at ALL the general give and take their relationships would actually have. like i’m sorry if i come off as kind of rude in response, but it’s such a cheap way to try to make akira’s life miserable and rip his friends away from him when this isn’t supported by the text in any way, shape, or form. like first, i would argue that we have no evidence that akira is unduly burdened or troubled by what his friends put on him, and it would be unfair to assume that since we’re going with only exactly what the game gives us. he doesn’t complain, no one comments that he seems run down due to it, and he continuously engages with and hangs out with these friends outside of their confidants. second, even if they are putting too much on him, how are they supposed to know if he doesn’t say as much? there is no WAY the confidants know akira is doing this for literally EVERYONE in his life and akira seems to generally keep his pain/stress to himself. like i said before, all of these kids are traumatized, meaning they have been victims and no one has ever cared about the pain they’ve experienced, and so it could be believable that the first chance they get when someone offers support, they take it and run too far with it. i agree this doesn’t make them bad people, but why suggest akira should cut them out like they’re some horrible toxic assholes then?? wouldn’t the first thing be him TELLING them how stressed out he is?? these are traumatized teenagers!! they’re most likely not good at reading people and they can’t figure out all on their own that THEY may be the source of akira’s stress. truthfully, i think p5r did us a great service by including the post hang-out phone calls and the apology scenes in maruki’s reality because these moments show how deeply akira is appreciated and how much the thieves love him. and through those, i feel it would be safe to assume that if akira is stressed out by the way they engage with him that he could honestly tell them what they’re doing and they would IMMEDIATELY rectify what they’ve done.

again, this is another thing i’m fine with fan works exploring, but generally with the idea of akira forcing himself to take on way more than he can handle and attempting to shoulder that burden because he’s the leader. yes, if the friendships were exactly as presented in the confidants, then they really don’t reciprocate what akira does but idk why anyone would take it that way. it’s just the way the game is. akira seems to love them quite a bit and they seem very appreciative imo...like there’s only a couple points that i feel they handle poorly (mostly post-interrogation), but it feels like poor writing or these characters being naive rather than anything in character that condemns them as abusive friends. so. this is just a take i don’t get and i think akira loves all his friends and they love him and if he ever said he needed help, they would be with him in a heartbeat offering all the support he needs.

#like this fr is one i'm not changing my mind on #akira's been through ENOUGH he doesn't need this!! #i've also seen this argument brought up again to make goro's confidant look 'better' #like goro doesn't ask him for any help so it's superior #but uhhhhh no not buying it #goro can't really ask for help + never would #and he doesn't really support akira in any way either in his confidant #and i love goro and shuake #but if this is about that...it ain't it #if not i'm still not into it at all #p5 #p5r #p5r spoilers #akira kurusu #cake answers #Anonymous

[madmadmilk]

ugh ugh ugh ugh i need to vent,, literally please feel free to scroll by

✨ lmao but if ur nosy or wanna give me advice, here are the main topics: covid, traveling, family, guilt, hypocrisy and how to make a damn decision and stand by it... ✨

lol okay here is the scenario (i.e. my POV): it's been a tough year and whatever through the pandemic. my mood, personality, productivity is unpredictable and i've felt isolated– but "safe?" i've tried my best to wear a mask, get vaccinated, spread awareness of my platforms– just been vigilent. BUT–– despite all that i got covid (prior to my first vaccine) cos a family member took a rapid test, came to my room to tell me that they tested negative... when it was actually to early to tell lol. i got covid just sitting in my room, working from home. lol i was fine, they were fine but that left a deep impression on me....

>>> anyway, i live in virginia. and now my younger cousin, who is like a sister to me, is having a baby shower in florida around thanksgiving. i... want to go, but i'm deeply terrified of 1.) flying, 2.) flying alone, 3.) flying during covid, 4.) covid, 5.) getting covid and bringing to to them, 6.) getting covid and bringing it back home, 6.) florida, and 7.) being around extroverts with no escape out.

i know, i know i know i'm an overthinker and anxious for no reason but like.... i wish wish wish it was a simple decision for me to say "yes, i'll come" or "no, i can't." but it's not, and i'm literally having stress dreams.

i feel like i've been a huge flake through 2020-2021, but there was a pandemic!! i can't even commit to things happening in 2022. i get so paralyzed sometimes, but also i wonder if i'm just being lazy cos i don't want to give any energy to think about it. and sometimes i wonder if i'm just a hypocrite cos i HAVE done things– just not as far as going to florida.

it's not an issue for me to go out and wear a mask; i've eaten at restaurants or watched movies. but i've still avoided MASS gatherings, a lot of inside events, and just people in general. i hate the societal prssure of "well, you're already vaccinated, you don't have to wear one". but??? why not wear one??? .... and then going to visit family who says that? i can't deal with it

((also i think only half of them are vaccinated there, despite being healthcare workers. i really really don't want to even be around that conversation, however petty that makes me seem. my tolerance for it is so low.))

AUGHHHHHH!!! i just wish this wasn't a big deal to me, or a big deal to my family if i say no– but i care a lot, and i'm horrified that they'd think poorly of me. idk.

most ppl i've asked has told me, "just don't go." and i have made peace with that– but my mom (who is a nurse lmao) is calling me a scaredy cat. like??? ma'am....

ugh it bothers me so much to the point that i ~hate~ myself for struggling. i feel like i'm whining and it embarrassing.

i'm telling myself that this is baby shower, a well wish event, and that i can visit them another time.

i don't know. i feel so shitty over all this. i feel like i'm overreacting and being a baby but– i just dont' want to ever roll the die at a CHANCE of trouble. and i just fucking hope and plead that this isn't me just shying away into my shell.

lol i hate myself, i hate how much echoing goes on in my head, and i hate that these years have divided us in more ways than one.

i'm not going to go, i'm going to draft a text right now and then facetime them.

...

..

....

anyway lol... advice? thoughts?

sorry i only post sad shit aeilfalfaw

#ghhhhguhgughgh i hate it #personal #madmadmilk #long post

[cricketnationrise]

Lil ransom POV that’s been knocking around since Nurseyweek

seemed like a good time to post

_X_

Ransom loves Samwell, even if he can only make it down for Alumni Weekend.

This was the place where he had met his best friends, played swasome hockey, and made some banging spreadsheets, if he does say so himself. And he does. Because Excel backed him up.

“Yo, Ransom! What’s up?!” Ransom spins around at the sound of his name, and then –

“Oh, chill.”

He really should have braced himself. Nursey always was like a puppy. But like a Newfoundland puppy. Or some other puppy that doesn’t realize how big they are. Because now he and Nursey are both on the ground.

In the back of his mind, Ransom knows they are completely in the way of people trying to get to class, but he’s just so glad to see Nursey in person that he doesn’t care.

“Nursey! What have we said about curbing your enthusiasm?”

“That I shouldn’t because it’s a delightful part of my personality?” Nursey asks.

“5 points to Nursey!”

They finally manage to untangle themselves enough to stand up and move off the sidewalk, Ransom initiating a proper hug. “It’s good to see you, got time for Annie’s?”

“Chyeah for sure! Oh man, I have so much to tell you.” And they’re off. Just like Ransom never left. It’s comforting to know that Nursey can still ramble on with the best of them. He was worried about Nursey a little bit this year. He knew first-hand how hard senior year could be, especially with an A on his jersey. Listening to Nurse go off about his classes, how much he missed Bitty’s baking, how much more terrifying Chowder is in goal this year, Ransom grins. Nursey seems to have gained a new version of his chill. He seems happy, and in control of things.

One of the first things they bonded over was their respective anxiety. Ransom is glad that Nursey is starting senior year in a much healthier mental place than he did. One thing off Ransom’s mental worry checklist.

“…And yeah, now that Dex is captain we have all these morning practices again, like Jack, but not quite so early, thank god. He’s doing a good job with the new freshmen; they really look up to him. He’s started making bread, actually? I think Bitty sent him a recipe. Oh, and Chowder and Farms are even cuter this year than ever before, its nauseating man. But all three of us are in a class together, actually! It’s really chill, we’re taking that photography class like Jack took! Dex suggested it – which was totally chill of him. He was all its arty for you Nursey, Chowder is enthusiastic about everything, and its technical enough that I won’t feel totally lost. Like how cool is that? It’s a really cool class, relaxing, weirdly. Like, meditative, ya know? Anyway, tell me about you, man. It’s been too long since we caught up!”

As they get in line at Annie’s, Ransom fills him in on working with Holster and applying to med school for next year.

“Yeah so I figured out I want to be research focused, and probably kid-focused? Like, I want to be able to help kids with what I’m researching, so I’ve been looking into what I need for that, but it’s going well, I think. Hilariously, no one at work seems to realize that Holster and I a) know each other and b) are dating already. I’ve had 4 people in the last week come up to me and ask if I’m seeing anyone because Adam in the other department would be PERFECT for me. Truly amazing.”

“That’s hilarious, holy shit.”

“What can I get you today?” the barista asks.

“I’ll get a vanilla latte, please,” Ransom says.

“And I’ll have a Chai Latte with a shot of vanilla. Oh, also a Hot Honey Ginger Lemon Tea. Thanks, Steph,” Nursey rattles off.

They collect their drinks and head toward the Haus without needing to talk about anything in particular. It’s always restful just hanging out with Nursey. Ransom is the most extrovert ever to extrovert, but even he needs down time sometimes, and Nursey can be, dare he say it, chill, when he wants to be. Also, it’s a beautiful fall day, and it’s nice to just soak it up. Nursey is probably composing like 5 poems in his head about it right now.

Walking up the steps to the Haus, Ransom pauses a little, just to savor the moment. He’s been back before this, obviously, but it’s getting harder to visit, and once he’s in med school, it’ll be even rarer. He wants to keep this place in his memory forever.

“Dex! You’re alive!” he hears Nursey yell from the kitchen. Walking in himself, he sees Dex, looking utterly miserable. He’s wrapped in a blanket, wearing his roadie flannel sweatpants, his SMH hoodie, and – is that Nursey’s green beanie? Ransom blinks, trying to process.

“Hey Nursey. Hey Ransom,” Dex rasps out, trying to smile at Ransom before coughing a little.

“Oh hey, I got you this from Annie’s since you weren’t feeling well this morning,” says Nursey, “It’s the you tea.”

“Thanks. The U tea?” Dex asks before taking a sip and sighing in apparent delight.

“No, the YOU, Y-O-U tea, the Dex tea,” Nursey says.

“Why is it the Dex tea?” Ransom asks.

“It’s the Hot Honey Ginger Lemon tea,” Nursey explains.

Dex goes bright red, and Ransom would blame the coughing fit he has, but it definitely started in his ears and is it just him or do those coughs sound a little forced?

“Did you just get him the only thing with Ginger in the name?” Ransom asks, amused. Dex narrows his eyes at Ransom while Nursey looks in the fridge for a snack. Good to know that Dex’s crush on Nursey is healthy as ever, even when he’s not.

“No, but that’s an added bonus,” Nursey says, “I got him tea because tea always helps my throat. The ginger, lemon, and honey all work really well together for a cold; my moms swear by it, I always had it growing up. No it’s the Dex tea because its ginger like your hair, obviously, and honey like your eyes, sorta, and lemon like your attitude when you’re stressed, and hot because – “ Nursey pauses like he just realizes he was on the verge of waxing poetic about Dex.

“Hot because what?” Ransom asks. Ransom is outright grinning now, while Dex is looking determinedly into his cup like maybe he could drown himself in it, blushing more deeply than Ransom has ever seen him. And Nursey – Nursey is visibly putting on a layer of chill, of armor. He catches Ransom’s eyes, nods once, takes a deep breath, and finishes the thought,

“And hot because you’re hot, Dex.”

“What.”

“You heard me.”

“I – wow, Nurse. I don’t know what to say.”

“You could say yes.”

“I could say yes?” Dex asks in a small voice.

“To whether you’d come on a date with me when you feel better.”

“I – I –,” Dex looks at Nursey intently, probably trying to see whether he’s serious or chirping. Ransom holds his breath. If they remember that he’s here, they might not ever get this far again.

“Yes. I’d like that.”

“Did you just say yes?” Nursey asks, smile starting to break out.

“Yes. When I don’t feel like death on toast. Yes.” Dex is smiling too.

“Chi – “

“GUYS!” Ransom interrupts before Nursey can say chill, and also because he’s legit tearing up right now, “If I wasn’t so damn happy for you both I’d be fining the hell out of you.”

“Like you could, I’m the captain now.”

“Yeah but the group chat would back me up on the sap level in the kitchen right now,” Ransom smirks.

“Alright, fair.” Dex says, taking another sip of his tea. His blankets slip down to his elbows now, exposing the number. But instead of #24, C there is very clearly a different number. #28, A.

Nursey falls off his chair in his attempt to make sure that what he’s seeing is real.

“Dexy, are you wearing my hoodie? And my hat?”

Ransom’s phone chimes.

Holster: U @ the Haus? I’m omw with Chowder and Whiskey rn

“Maybe.”

Me: yup It finally happened btw

“Maybe? Dex its right there!”

Holster: what happened? The railing finally gave out?

“Maybe they’re comfortable. And warm. I’m sick.”

Me: nah man Well maybe idk Haven’t left the kitchen But Dex and Nursey They’re goin on a date

“Well maybe if I’d known how hot it is to see you in my clothes I would have asked you out sooner,” Nursey says flirtatiously.

Holster: !!!!!! DUDE HOLY SHIT DEETS RANS I NEED DEETS

“I signed up for this. I literally signed up for this,” Dex groans.

Ransom: Nursey brought him tea That reminded him of Dex Because it’s the hot honey ginger lemon tea And he got to why hot reminded him of dex And was actually smooth??? That was a trip to watch Dex said yes And now they are bickering again But like its sweet?

“Yeah you did, Dexy. Can’t get rid of me now. You know I’m ride or die.”

Holster: HOLY SHIT I’m so proud of them Chowder is crying btw Oh wait Now he’s sprinting toward the Haus So Incoming

Me: 👍

“Hey lovebirds.” Nursey and Dex look over at him, both surprised he is still here. They definitely forgot about him. “Chowder’s on his way. Also Holster and Whiskey. So. Get pumped for that because the groupchat isn’t far behind.”

Dex puts his head on the table and groans unintelligibly. Nursey just beams and puts his arm around Dex’s shoulders, “Oh, nice. Now we don’t have to stress about when to tell him.”

Ransom just laughs and preps the text he’s gonna send to the groupchat. He really should try to visit more often. Ransom loves Samwell.

_X_

#ransom #holster #nursey #dex #if you don't think nursey calls him hot honey ginger lemon idk what to tell you #ransom pov #with a little nurseydex #as a treat #because of who I am as a person #nurseydex #Rachel writes

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hello! I was going through your supportive Regis to Iggy stuff and I’M MELTING!! I love it so much! Do you have anymore Regis-Ignis stuff or even other characters who support gladnis? I really wanna know!

*SMACKS WITH LOVE*

HELLO MUFFIN U THOUGHT I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU? HAH. U ABSOLUTE FOOL. I AM HERE TO SERRRRRRRRRVE 

I’m very excited to answer this because even though I still have 60+ asks (WAY over a year old now, god damn it), it made me so happy to get a new one with such old vibe? Idk how to explain it, it just felt like the first times I’d get asks anD IT MADE ME SO HAPPY OMG THANK YOU ;w;

But not gonna make the intro too long, you here for the nice stuff, so here we go!

The supportive Regis to Iggy stuff is old, some of my first, AND I FREAKING LOVE IT. Here you have supportive Regis being a good papa, and supportive Regis multiple headcanons if you missed it/don’t remember! :3

NOW LET’S SEE WHAT WE CAN GET FROM THIS

AU where Regis is Ignis’ supportive dad figure:

Quick summary following the previous posts’ canon: Iggy’s parents love him but aren’t very good parents. He’s just Noct’s adviser and a kingdom’s servant for them, and don’t care about Iggy’s relationships, not even his romantic one, so they never make any space to talk about it or interact or even care. Not kingdom issues? Then I don’t have time, sweetie, focus on your job and don’t make me waste my time.

So Regis has taken up on the role of Papa Regis for Ignis because a parent isn’t just feeding your child, WHERE IS THE GODDAMN SUPPORT, HE JUST WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE TIME HE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HALF HIS ICE-CREAM ON SATURDAY’S DATE NIGHT, CAN YOU JUST. FUCKING LOVE HIM GODDAMMIT HOW HARD IS IT 

Regis always gets some time to listen to Iggy about Gladio. Even if it’s a few shared whispers while crossing the door to Council meeting, he’ll always ask. Ignis has gotten a grip of that, and they’ve managed to get away with it, be it a long conversation, or two sentences, all so long Iggy gets to express a bit of what he feels :’)

You know what Regis does most? He disguises lots of forms of support in formalities so that Ignis can get away with his things.

Like the one post shared above where Regis made up the lame excuse of “oh, uh, you: drive the Regalia to the Amicitia house and then you’re free lmao” (it’s sO CUTE OMG HOW DARE PAST-ME WRITE SOMETHING SO CUTE). 

Ignis’ parents and council in general are always overwhelming and overloading Ignis of so much work, it’s sometimes a real struggle to find the time to dedicate to his relationship. Gladio understands, but it’s still not fair for Iggy.

So Regis is going to do the Thing: POWER ABUSE. FOR THE BABY.

Not rly power abuse lmao but he’s the king, he has the ultimate word and orders, right? So if he wants Ignis to have some time to himself, HE’S GOING TO FUCKING HAVE IT. But, so that his parents don’t notice or don’t have an excuse to complain, Regis will disguise some Ignis Free Time as orders.

Ignis wants to write a love letter for Gladio, but is stashed to the very last pore of politics paperwork.

“Excuse me, lord, ladies, can you be so kind as to get this paperwork done? I require of this young lad’s presence to be my personal scribe for a very, very important speech. *Closes door* Yes, right, where do we start? The…importance of…the crown, symbol of the city, emblem of…you write your thing, Ignis, I’ll just babble things, ok? the light and…stuff and things and I’ll just start reciting the whole of Kupo Wars intro speech and no one will notice if I speak regal and kingly like this are you good? you need anything you tell me, alright? LONG AGO IN A FAR AWAY GALAXY-”

It’s a special date and Ignis wants to bake something for Gladio because GladiO LOVES EATING SO MUCH, YOUR MAJESTY, HE’S SO HAPPY WHEN HE EATS AND I WANT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY

“Yes, hello, it seems like Ignis won’t be able to attend this interview because I want to impress the Tenebrae diplomats and I need the best chef of Eos aiding me, come here on royal duty, Ignis.”

((after Ignis finished baking the cake and people expected Regis to try it he just went “AAAH, GOODNESS, I FORGOT I’M ALLERGIC TO CAKE, WHAT A DUMBASS I AM, WELP, WE DON’T WANT IT TO GO TO WASTE SO WHY DON’T YOU TAKE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE YOU KNOW WILL LOVE IT, IGNIS? ( ´ ▽ ` )))

((regis how is anyone allergic to cake as a whole lmao))

Ignis is just sad because he wants to spend a bit of time with Gladio.

“HELLO IGNIS, GUESS WHICH ABSOLUTELY IDIOTIC KING RIPPED HIS CLOTHES, WHAT A MYSTERY, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN, I THINK YOU’LL HAVE TO GO BUY ME A NEW SUIT BUT DON’T YOU DARE GO ALONE, YOU’RE A FAMOUS FACE OF THE ROYAL WORLD, YOU OBVIOUSLY NEED A GUARD, AM I RITE, WHO IS AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW-”

“well, Cor is-”

“GLADIOLUS, DEAR, WHAT A COINCIDENCE, I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU RIGHT NOW, BOY.”

Soft and gentle and loving as he is, Regis can also be shady af with people that deserve it.

Scientia father is talking about some stupid thing and he mentions his son.

Regis is giving him the most deeply confused frown of the world, and ultra genuinely asks “You have a son???????”

He does this. EVERY. TIME. Scientia parents talk about Ignis LMAO, EVERY FUCKING TIME

(just wants to make it clear he doesn’t see them as parents to Ignis but that’s just his opinion, right, what does it matter, fuck him)

Regis isn’t only a supportive dad for Iggy when it comes to Gladnis. He’s also a supportive papa in general.

Kiddo Ignis can’t. STOP STARING. At the aerial rope acts and acrobatics on TV. THEY ARE JUST. SO FUCKING ARTISTIC. SO ELEGANT. SO BEAUTIFUL. KIDDO IGNIS LOVES THE ACROBATS HELOVESTHEMSOMU- ok Iggy TV time is over, you have to go make your ridiculously advanced homework that sucks the childhood out of you ok baby boy?

40 year old Regis Papa Sense tingles. 

40 y.o. Regis is taking Ignis from his parents at a hallway while they were leading him to his first Crownsguard training lesson “Yes, I take it from here, I want to give him a little encouraging speech, you know how this can be a little disheartening from how hard it is? Haha yeah, children these days am I rite”

Ignis walks into the training hall expecting Cor or Clarus or some Crownsguard with a pole ready to fucking SMACK HIM.

Ignis walks into the training hall being received by Insomnia’s fifth best circus arts coreographer. 

“Hello, you must be Ignis. The king said you’re very excited about aerial ropes and acrobatics? That’s so cool. Are you excited to be learning it yourself, now?”

Little twelve years old Ignis is GASP .A. *looks up at Regis like ¿¿¿¡¡¡¡???!!!*

“It’s OBVIOUSLY just to have an expert acrobat fighter, the only one of your kind, flexible, agile fighter that can jump, am I rite, enemies won’t expect that. So this is NOT arts class, it’s…OBVIOUSLY your Crownsguard training as we told your parents. OBVIOUSLY. Right, boy? Now, we don’t want to spoil the surprise. No telling mom and dad, ok? You tell them it’s Cor teaching you to punch things. Have fun. I mean. TRAIN HARD, HUFFFFFFFF”

IGNIS WAS HYSTERICALLY HAPPY YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE SO MUCH JOY FITS IN THAT CHILD

Nineteen year old Ignis figured out his first real strategy at war table and it was an utter success.

Papa be like, not even looking away of his papers, “It’s your responsibility.”

REAL PAPA Regis rushed to hug him, grinning, and goes “Wow, Ignis, that’s fantastic!! Congratulations!! You worked very hard on it, and you helped save so many lives. Imagine all the families that will reunite thanks to you. You, fantastic boy, you’re so young and so skilled already, I’m so proud of you.”

Ignis had a literal nervous breadown out of stress overload.

Mama be like “take these pills, rest five minutes, now go back to your office, you can’t stay behind, you have all these paperworks DUE TOMORROW, YOU CAN’T JUST CALL IN SICK??? LIKE IT’S AN EXCUSE¿¿¿”

Ignis arrived to his office to find two sofas placed there together like a bed, comfy, cozy, with a blankie and cushions, and a therapist waiting at the desk.

“Hello. You must be Ignis. The king scheduled an appointment for you today. He also said you don’t need to worry about the paperwork, and said, I quote *reads paper* “…fuck paperwork”. Oh my. Anyway, come here, please lie down and let’s see what we can do for you, ok, sweetie?”

Seventeen year old Ignis is NERVOUS about his first date with Gladio. Like. HIS CRUSH. ASKED HIM OUT?? HIS CRUSH. NOT ANYONE, HIS ACTUAL CRUSH SINCE HE WAS TEN??????? THE GUY HE HAD BEEN PINING OVER FOR YEARS. THE GUY THAT HE FELT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE. HE. ASKED. HIM. OUT. WTF, HOW CAN IGNIS NOT BE NERVOUS, HE’S BEEN CRUSHING ON HIM SINCE EVEN BEFORE HE KNEW WHAT A CRUSH WAS

Papa be like “But?? I thought you were staying in today for training????? What about the prince’s interviews you have to cover for the day after tomorrow?? The paperwork for monday?? Your HOMEWORK¿¿ Ignis, you’re way better than this, leave the teenage drama alone. Free time? That you’re a teen and just want to go out and I just think about work??? Yes, no, I understand that, of COURSE I do, I just…nervous? IT’S JUST A DATE IGNIS OHMYGOD, don’t be so immature, just wear anything, go to your date, and be back as soon as possible, I won’t tolerate you being out after eight.”

Papa Regis is stopping a deep breathing absent-looking Ignis in the middle of the hallway to ask if he’s fine. It took like fifteen minutes of an embarrassed Ignis melting and becoming a puddle of shyness making excuses before he spilled the truth, blushing in embarrassment, whispering, feeling absolutely fucking stupid and like a dork.

“…I just…don’t know…what to wear…”

Regis be (・_・ )

An hour later locked away in Ignis’ office after having had an ACTUAL KINGSGLAIVE FUCKING SNEAK INTO IGNIS’ HOUSE AND BRING ALL HIS CLOTHES IN A HURRY (under royal command lmao), Regis is adjusting Ignis’ hair and glasses over and over, stepping back, staring with a >:| look, then going back in, re-arrange, step back, stare like >:|, step in to re-arrange, and so over and over, all while both discuss over it like it’s a death or life issue.

Regis becomes expert fashion critique

“HOW. Are you going to put those shoes on with THAT shirt.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT, I JUST. I’M SO NERVOUS.”

But being serious, Regis made sure to spend so very long in there with Ignis not because he didn’t know what to have him wear; that was the excuse to spend a while with Ignis to help him calm down. Boy was absolutely GONE, he needed to put his feet back on earth before his date or he was going to combust lmao

AND IT WORKED

Ignis’ shift is over and he goes “I wasted my last hour doing NOTHING ;A;”

“HOW DARE YOU SAY IT’S NOTHING WHEN WE USED IT SO WELL TO GET YOU READY”

Ignis is more honored by having had the king help him pick his clothes than working so it doesn’t feel as bad. Plus, Regis knows his way through the mess of his head to make him not feel guilty

Before going out of the office, Regis is taking his time to smile a lot and stare at Ignis, before he drops the whole king attitude or fashion expert and goes with this tender, warm, and genuinely happy voice “So he finally asked you out.”

Ignis absolutely changes then. He just…glOWS HAPPY AND LOVING. And of course he starts sharing the whole thing with Regis, from asking out to how long he had been liking him to how he feels about it and stuff. Regis listens patiently, and then he gets up from his place and goes to grab Ignis’ face and helps a bit with his hair, and he can’t help but stare and stare with these…these IMMENSELY WARM EYES AND THIS HUGE SWEET, TENDER SMILE

“I’m so happy for you two. You two have always looked good together, and I think you’re meant to be. You’ll be fine, son.”

Ignis may have teared up a little and looked down. He feels…sO ENCOURAGED, SO SUPPORTED, HE FEELS LIKE SOMEONE CARES, IT’S SO NICE AKLSDJFDG

of fucking COURSE it was the best first date EVER

Ignis sometimes wants to get Gladio presents, but he doesn’t know where to put them (as in, if he gets Gladio a gift, it may be a few days earlier, so where does he store it during those few days?). No way to put them in his room because his parents check his room (never looking for anything in particular but it’s to ‘’keep him in check’’ or some bullshit), and they have key to his office too. 

Regis motherfucking Lucis Caelum is going to store that unicorn plushie in armiger and you better not question him.

You know how Regis and Noctis have royal portraits taken each certain years?

Yes, there is an official royal photograph or Regis with a twenty year old Ignis because what the fuck do you mean it’s just for the Lucis Caelum last name he’s my son regardless of last names fuck you give me that stupid camera

Of course it didn’t count to the ‘official’ archives of the heir and monarch portraits but goddammit is Regis going to make sure it’s hung somewhere in the fucking Citadel.

You thought Regis was just taking the role at times? HELL NO, HE’S GOING FULL PAPA BEAR MODE, HE LOVES IGGY AS MUCH AS HE LOVES NOCT, OF COURSE HE’S GOING THIS FAR

He keeps making that little adorable slip of thinking of Noct and Iggy as literal brothers because he’s just so into supporting Ignis he keeps forgetting he’s not his son neither legally or genetically.

“You can’t just get rid of your brother-in-law, that’s ridiculous.”

“…who?”

“Gladi- ooh, yes, lmao, I forgot. I meant Gladio”

“DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT TO YOUR BROTHER.”

“But I don’t have a brother.”

“right”

“You should follow Ignis’ example, that’s what big brothers are for.”

“Dad you’re doing it again.”

“Hello, Ignis? I wanted to talk to your brother. Ah, fuck, I meant, Noctis.”

Regis gets really moody every time Scientia parents are around. He knows they’re not necessarily evil, but that doesn’t mean they’re not abusive. He’s been reflecting long about it and he sees them as abusive even if incidentally so of course he gets moody. HOW DARE THEY MISTREAT MY CHILD LIKE THAT.

Regis had Clarus review a literal petition to change Insomnia’s adult age from 21 to 19 so Ignis could move the fuck out of his house sooner.

council said no those pieces of shIT

Regis insisted

“Your Majesty, we can’t just change that law so easily and fast, and think of-”

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CHILDREN WANT TO GET OUT OF THEIR GODDAMN HOUSE TO ESCAPE AN ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT BUT FUCKING CAN’T BECAUSE THEY’RE “TOO YOUNG”

Regis mopped about it for a month

When Noct moved to his flat near school, Regis did it so he could grow a bit of independency…and to give Ignis the spare key.

“My son may need some watch every now and then. Leave the house duties to him, that’s fine, son, just…uh…keep an eye on him some nights. Any night you want. I happened to find only a flat with two separate rooms haha what a coINCIDENCE AIN’T IT so it’s fine if you want to spend the night with Noct :)”

He was basically gifting Ignis his own shared apartment WHAT THE HECK YOUR MAJESTY YOU’RE GIVING ME A WHOLE ASS APARTMENT?????? OMG NO STOP

((Ignis used that apartment very frequently the poor bby ;A;))

When Noct graduates and goes back to living at the Citadel, Ignis at first is sort of upset of having to go back to his house every day. He normally can’t get to spend the nights at Gladio’s or anyone else’s because his parents thing it’s inappropriate. But Ignis just looks…so upset. He doesn’t say anything, and he keeps talking about being happy of Noct’s growth and independency and graduation and his grades and him getting to be back with his dad and stuff, but when he’s alone he looks so upset. He looks like he’s sleeping less, and worse than before; he looks like…like carrying a heavier weight, that kept growing and growing. He looked less healthy, less happy, less bright.

And as soon as he notices, there we have him, king motherfucking Regis signing the official return of the prince’s gentlemen job, and signing Ignis in the goddamn title without even asking him first. 

Regis’ excuse is that Ignis is his first assistant, personal adviser, closest companion, so it only makes sense to have Ignis attend him personally at any time the prince so needs it, SO YOU BETTER NOT HAVE ANY EXCUSES YOU PIECES OF SHIT TO LET YOUR SON LIVE IN THE ROOM NEXT TO NOCT’S, OKAY, FUCK YOU.

It was a smart move because Scientia parents were delighted with the promotion and progress, yes yes, we told you working this hard would get you really far, son, of course it was due to the pressure we put on you that you get to be the prince’s personal assistant to a new level.

Regis really just wanted Ignis to get out of that goddamn place for most nights.

And not like Noctis asks for anything. Wakes up WAY later than Ignis, cleans his own room as best as he can (he’s trying, ok? LEAVE HIM ALONE), and it’s not like it’s the 1st century to be asking Ignis to dress him or anything, ew, get away of my room, you dork, this is my stuff!!

IGNIS HAS NEVER SLEPT SO GODDAMN WEL IN HIS GODDAMN LIFE, and it’s not like his parents don’t let him sleep or anything, it’s just…the air. It’s different. The environment is WAY comfier and more cozy, HE LOVES SLEEPING THERE.

Regis is also there when Iggy is having bad times.

As much as he’s eventually learned that his parents just Don’t Care, it’s not like it’s an easy thing to digest, you know? Because they’re this horrible mix between genuinely loving and still abusive and toxic. They want the best for him, but they’ve broken him to the point of literal physical breakdowns. They love him, but don’t know his favorite meal or color. They want him to go far but forget he’s a human, and just see his grades and work, and don’t know how he has fun and have never once listened to him about his YEARS LONG RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN HE GENUINELY LOVES AND WHO HE HAS LIVED WITH THE MOST ADVENTURES. Ignis is often very troubled about his parents, because as much distance as he’s put in between and as much as he doesn’t acknowledge them as his parents because of all the bad they’ve done to him and how absent they’ve been, he just can’t help but…still be hurt about it, you know? 

So even though he has Regis’ full awesome support, and Clarus’, and other parental figures, it’s just not the people he grew up with all his life calling “parents”. They may be abusive and absent but goddammit, the child in him used to think they were his parents, and good ones. It’s not like he can just not care.

So it’s not rare that Ignis gets emotional over it, or has cried a few times, especially when he has something significative going on in his life and his parents just aren’t there, even when he reaches out to them and they’re just “too busy”.

SO ONE DAY

Nothing particular had happened. It was the constant storing of that kinda events, thoughts and feelings that kept building up until they were too many and made Ignis sort of break. 

His parents just wouldn’t speak about his relationship with Gladio. The most they have gotten to was telling him to not be explicit about it to save scandals about someone as important as an Amicitia, to always be perfectly sharp and as best looking as he could because an Amicitia just couldn’t be seen with someone less than Perfect, and would often tell him to not get hopes too high because Gladiolus looked like a man to constantly switch partners so you better be careful. But they never cared about knowing him, having him for dinner, talking about their dates, not even how or WHEN it started, they didn’t even know how long it had been going on, or the places they’ve been or the things they’d done together, NOTHING.

Ignis is so very often at the Amicitias’; has dinner, sleeps over when he can, has gone out with Iris alone SO MANY times, has been with Clarus alone SO MANY TIMES, has LITERALLY GONE ON VACATIONS WITH THEM, and his parents can’t even shake Gladio’s hand even when they all work in the same goddamn place? Were they for real?

Ignis once tried talking with them about the possibility of marriage. He had been with Gladio for a good couple years, and he was sure about it, and had even spoken a bit with Gladio about it, and it seemed like a bright plan. 

It took Ignis MONTHS. Literal months of mental preparation. He wrote the little speech and corrected it over and over and over and over for weeks to know what to tell his parents and how. He practiced in his head, with the mirror, with Noctis, he rehearsed aloud to an empty room. He had his routine of breathing before it to get ready, during it to not lose it, he had been gathering courage for all those MONTHS

“I’m sorry, Ignis, I know it’s important but I have to hand these papers in three days from now. Could you tell me some other day?”

He didn’t even get to the first word of his speech because he wasn’t even given the chance.

He dropped the bomb in the first sentence he said, on purpose, so his parents would know how big of a thing it was and wouldn’t discard it; “I’ve spoken with Gladiolus about marriage.” And he got this. I’m busy. Paperwork. Good that you’re marrying but can you please not interrupt me?

Ignis didn’t even get angry. He just stood there, in front of his parents, staring a little with a blank face. He still waited a bit, and his mom did look up from her papers as if asking if he needed anything. Willing to listen, and Ignis knew and saw it. 

But decided it wasn’t worth it, and he just turned around and left. 

He didn’t feel bad that night, or the next, and he worked just fine during the week…but he kept…to say it some way, withering.

 Like back when he had to go back to sleeping at his parents’ every night, Ignis started slowly looking restless and upset with each day. With the heavy air and shoulders, the tired look, and that exhausted aura that felt like he struggled at getting out of bed every day. 

And of course, Regis noticed. 

One day, he visited Ignis to see what was going on. He had Ignis sit on a chair and he sat across him, and had him talk about it. By that point Ignis has grown so much personal trust with Regis that he doesn’t struggle anymore at opening up with him. 

Ignis spoke long, much longer than he knew he had to speak, about all the things his parents don’t do and do, and went on and on, and it was past the shift end hour, it got dark and late and they didn’t even bother turning the lights on and just kept going. 

And then Ignis got to the point where one sentence alone had him break.

“I don’t understand, I’m their son, and they love me, so why don’t they care?”

Ignis stopped there because, as he said that last bit, he started crying. Fast, out of nowhere, not even noticing, he just…broke down right there. At first he stayed still while crying, as if only after saying it aloud had he noticed the weight it held. 

Little by little he started putting the head down, until he seemed to finally understand what he said, and so he started properly crying. Ignis tried cleaning his eyes, took his glasses off, and sobbed and cried.

It wasn’t long before Regis had stood from his chair and had reached for him. Got close, and took Ignis in a hug.

Ignis didn’t even care if this was the king or someone else’s dad. He didn’t. He just buried his face in his hands, and his hands and face in Regis’ chest, and started sobbing. 

Regis hugged him and kept him to his chest for as long as he needed. He pet his hair, rubbed his back, squeezed his arms, and didn’t let go while letting Iggy cry all that he wanted to sob out.

After a bit, Ignis tried cleaning his nose and eyes, and let go of his face to hug Regis back. It was a bit timid, and a little weak, but he held to Regis’ jacket like a scared, upset kid, and shyly sniffled while calming down. 

“Why don’t they care?” he whispered again mid-tears, genuinely lost…but not alone.

Later, when Ignis let go and Regis sat next to him, Ignis apologized because he “should” be grateful for what he has, and he has Regis and that’s way better than any parent he could have asked for and way better than the bad his real parents have done to him, and, surprisingly, Regis didn’t agree this time.

“It’s not something that can be replaced. A joy in your life doesn’t nulify the bad. When it hurts, it hurts. I can be your dad all that we want, but it won’t take away the hurt you feel for the real one. And that’s ok. You are grateful for what you have, but it’s also ok to be hurting on this. I would be hurting, too.”

someone give this man a prize already please

A week later Clarus walked into a very upset Regis giving a paper his Tantrum Frown.

“Regis?”

“Clarus how do I adopt an adult that has legal living parents?”

Regis, no.

REGIS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING YES.

Now Regis doesn’t ask the Scientia “you have a son?” whenever they mention Ignis, he just goes “Ah, you know his name?”

savage

One day, a 24 year old Iggy went to Regis’ chambers during a sunday hence day off. Regis was ? :3

Ignis asked Regis if he would please help him choose the engagement ring he was going to get for Gladio.

Regis was out of the room screaming and swinging the Regalia’s keys before Ignis had finished the sentence.

SHOPPING TIME

There we have him a PROUD PAPA going with his BEAUTIFUL SON to get an engagement ring because BOY IS GONNA ASK HIS BF FOR MARRIAGE AND JESUS CHRIST IS THIS EXCITING

Honestly I’m saving how excited Regis was because it’s just too much excitement to be described lmao 

Just imagine him screeching the whole way to the mall

and the dy after

and all over the week

Regis was so excited he slightly fainted at least twice across the week lmao thank the gods a chuckling Clarus was there to help but anyway back to RING SHOPPING

Just like that time Regis was his FASHION EXPERT on the first date Iggy had with Gladio, Regis is now becoming RING EXPERT for him

“HOW. Are you going to wear that ring with those SHOES”

“why are the shoes always the problem”

They didn’t spend as long in the store as they did with the clothes that once, but they did spend a good while looking at the prettiest rings and comparing and thinking about what Gladio would personally like, and etc etc. 

Basically Regis helping Iggy pick the engagement ring plEASE I BEG FOR THIS SCENARIO AKSLJDFDG *cries*

When Ignis got decided for one, he was just pulling out his credit card when RegIS. FUCKING. SLAMMED HIS DEBIT CARD ON THE COUNTER.

I PAY FOR THIS ONE.

omg but king Regis I’ve been saving up for a whole yea-

IT GOES ON MY BEHALF GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THIS IS MORE A GIFT TO ME THAN IT IS TO EITHER OF YOU SHUT UP

Regis = Gladnis shipper #1

Fun side story, an hour after Ignis and Regis left, CLARUS AND GLADIO ARRIVED. TO THE SAME STORE. LOOKING FOR THE EXACT SAME RING THAT IGNIS JUST BOUGHT. BECAUSE GLADIO HAD HAD IT IN HIS WATCH FOR OVER A MONTH NOW, BUT HE FREAKING…DIDN’T RESERVE IT, HE’S AN IDIOT, SOME STUPID ASSHOLE BOUGHT IT BEFORE HIM, IT WAS THE PERFECT RING, P E R F E C T, THERE WAS NO RING BETTER ON THIS PLANET OR THIS UNIVERSE THAT COULD COMPARE, AND WHAT WERE THE ODDS HE COULD FIND THE BUYER TO BUY IT BACK!?? WHAT WERE THE GODDAMN ODDS FUCKTHISSHIT GLADIO WAS SO A N G R Y.

fun side story #2 can we have Gladnis proposing to each other the same day because that’s disgustingly freaking adorable and I die with cuteness overload at the thought thank you. Like u know, those cute videos, I think there are two where partner 1 proposes to partner 2, and partner 2 just LAUGHS and partner 1 is ;A; ??? and partner 2 suddenly pulls out a little box too and it makes sense and the two just freaking lose it. Yes, Gladnis vibes, thank you

Let’s make it an Eos tradition that the father or parent or parental figure of the groom (or bride or person in suit) gets them the tie and only show them on the wedding day and they put it on their kid. (that’s actually a nice tradition, nice thinking Brain, I’ll steal this from myself later)

On the wedding day, in a room, Clarus is tying Gladio’s tie.

In the other, Ignis is tying his own. 

He did tell dad, but didn’t tell him about the tradition and dad assumed it wasn’t happening. It was fine, Ignis kept it a secret because he didn’t want his dad to do it, and he was fine getting his own tie. 

(Scientia parents are present, just Ignis asked them to be sat and away, he was fine on his own, and because Scientia parents don’t care they were just like okie)

And of course, there was then a knock at the door.

“Ignis?”

“…ki…KING REGIS!?”

Regis is smiling and going in and closing the door. Ignis stands up and he seemed to have been about to run towards him, but he freezes in his spot, and suddenly stands there like a lost shy kid, and his eyes immediately water. They say nothing for a while and just stare at each other, until Ignis, at the edge of crying, just whispers in a broken voice “You came.”

“Of course I did. What sort of horrible thing would I be if I missed your wedding? I’m sorry I’m late, I just didn’t know in which room you were. You should’ve told me!”

It takes a while as Ignis controls his tears and feelings and gets over the shyness before he says it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d come and I didn’t want to pressure you by asking for this…extra thing, just consumes time, and I could do it alone, it was fine, really…”

“An extra thing?” 

Regis starts limping his way towards him. Then, when he gets to Ignis, he pulls out a little large box. Ignis finally starts crying when Regis opens it and there’s a tie inside.

While Iggy cries a bit, Regis undoes his tie, throws it away, and gently and very softly starts tying the new one. He does his best and prettiest tie, and pats it.

“It’s no extra thing. It’s my responsibility.”

Ignis immediately went in for a tight hug, crying into Regis’ shoulder.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t ask you for this, I’m so sorry…I…know you’re genuinely busy, and that’s ok, you run the biggest country of the world and a whole magic core alone, I know it’s genuine and I’ve never been upset for that, I just…know you’re genuinely busy…”

Regis returned the hug as lovingly and tight as only a father does, and kissed his head.

“Yes, a king is always busy. But never for my son.”

And that’s how Ignis was walked down the aisle by REGIS FUCKING LUCIS CAELUM CXIII OF HIS NAME THE MAN HIMSELF.

*cries*

HOW DARE YOU ASK ME FOR SUPPORTIVE REGIS, ANON, NOW I’M A MESS OF FEELINGS AND A CHAOS OF EMOTIONS ASKDJFKG GODS BLESS THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m an absolute disaster for supportive papa Regis. U see supportive Regis u show me, ok? OK? THANK YOU ;____;

But anyways, dear anon, HERE YOU GO WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL ASK THAT WAS SUCH A DELIGHT TO RECEIVE, AND SUCH A WONDER TO ANSWER. ( ˙꒳​˙ )

I hope you enjoyed these at least half as I did!

Thank you, and have a WONDAHFUL day! 

#gladnis #regis #gladio/ignis #ffxv headcanons #*PUTS PAWS IN THE AIR* #AAAAAAAAAAAH YES. THE MOST MAGNIFICENT THE MOST SPLENDID THE MOST DELIGHTFUL PAPA REGIS KICKS IN AGAIN #GOOD HEAVENS THE SKIES KNOW I LOVE SUPPORTIVE REGIS WITH A /PASSION/ #*Cries* #coonanswers #coonheadcanons #coonwrites #yay gladnis!

[turning-dreams-into-chaos]

Somewhere Only We Know

Requests:

Hi can you write something with bellamy blake that's like angst and fluff based on the song Somewhere only we know by Keane thank u <3

Requested by: @marvelgladers

Hi! Can you please do something with Bellamy Blake where it’s fluff and then the reader gets hurt or dies or something and Bellamy is having a hard time dealing with it? I love your writing so much! Thx

Requested by: Anonymous

Omg don’t even care what it’s about but I just need more of you writing for Bellamy! You’re so good that doc literally made me so happy oml 😂

Requested by: @ferrisxbueller

Paring: Bellamy Blake X Reader

Word Count: 2,274

Post Date: 4-20-19

Warnings: angst, fluff, death, no happy ending 😢

A/N: Thank you all so much for your support! I love writing for you guys and I’m having such a great time with all the requests! Also I love writing for Bellamy because he’s amazing and I love The 100. Well, I hope you guys enjoy this one as much as you did the last ones! Also it’s based on the song Somewhere only we know by Keane and let me tell you, I had never heard of this song before and then I started listening to it for this and I instantly fell in love with it.♥️ I’m hoping I get the main gist of it correct for you all and that I do it justice because it is such a beautiful song. But you know it’s mainly in my head and how I felt writing through this song. Please go listen to it if you haven’t heard it before! This has got to be the longest story I’ve written, and I tried guys. I really did. Songfics are hard.😂 Love you all!

Also, idk if anyone reads this or not because it’s long as hell, but thanks if you do and keep requesting!

- Ria

*Based on Keane’s Somewhere Only We Know*

*Song lyrics are in bold*

*Not my Gif*

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river, and it made me complete

“Bellamy!” You call searching through the tents for your best friend. “What!?” He grumbles as you finally find him in his tent tying his shoes for the day. “Bellamy, I’m bored! I want to do something and as my best friend, I’m your responsibility to entertain. So. Entertain me.” You say as you plop yourself down our his mattress throwing your arms and head off the side, Bellamy chuckling looking at your upside face. “Fine smalls.” He says sarcastically using the nickname you hate causing you to roll your eyes, he calls you that because even though your one of the oldest people you’re also one of the shortest. He’s still chuckling as you flip yourself over on the bed getting your way, “you want to do something? Then come with me on the hunt.” You stare at his smirking face with wide eyes. “You, Bellamy Blake, are actually letting me, Y/N L/N, on a hunting trip? Am I dreaming or did I die because there is no way you would actually let me do that.” You smirk watching as he rolls his eyes. “Fine, don’t go if your just gonna act like this.” He starts out of the tent before you quickly pull him back simply apologizing then grabbing your spear. A few hours later, and a lot of joking complaints on your part, you and Bellamy decide to head back to the camp. Before you get to far Bellamy stops walking, causing you to run right into him since you weren’t paying attention, causing you to stumble to the ground. “Careful Smalls, you don’t want to hurt yourself there.” He laughs as he sticks his hand out for you to take. “ oh shut up Bell.” You snap back at his amused expression. “Why the hell did you stop? Did ya get scared of your shadow?” You joke as he lifts you to your feet gently pushing you a little when your feet are finally planted, letting out a laugh st your pretend shocked face. “I wanted to show you something before we go back, found the place the other day and thought you’d appreciate the ‘beauty and whatnot’ of it.” He says with finger quotes as yougot excited. You could always find the beauty in anything, that was one of the things Bellamy had always loved about you. When you all first came down to the ground, you were the only person besides Octavia who could make Bellamy laugh and smile like he felt when he was younger. He drags you away from the path into a huge field with flowers and a river going through it. He glances over to watch your reaction, smiling as he sees your smile triple in size and your eyes shift a million miles a minute to take in the wonderful sight. “Oh, Bell… It’s… It’s beautiful.” You whisper turning to him, catching the sunlight around him, making him look almost angelic as you chuckle and lie down on the grass next to the river. Pulling him down right next to you, staring at his face as he stares at yours, finally feeling completely happy for the first time since the ark.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin

Walking around camp, you notice the stress levels are high. After Spacewalker and princess tried to “make peace with the grounders” everyone acts like they have a target on your backs. You aren’t that stressed because you trust Bellamy and, though you hate to admit it, Clarke and knew that they both had the 100’s best interests in mind. As you passed by the drop ships doors you began to hear yelling slowly building inside, knowing how everyone can be, you made your way inside to stop any potential fights, surprised to find Bellamy was there yelling at a smug boy who refused to work for the day. You grabbed Bellamy’s arm, feeling him tense when he felt your arm but saw him relax a little when he realizes it’s you. “Hey Blake, why don’t you take a break from threatening to kill people and come hang out with your best friend.” You smile as you see his eyes glance from the poor boy who seemed so confident at the start of this conversation, who is now looking like he crapped himself, to you who just so happened to be one of the only people not on Bellamy’s bad side. He reluctantly agreed and followed you out of the drop ship and to the gates. “Smalls, where are we going? We can’t leave camp, it’s to dangerous.” “Oh come on Bell, live a little.” You say winking as you both leave camp heading to the spot that he brought you to the other day, Bellamy lips curling up at the corners when he realizes where you’re taking him. “Ok Y/N, I get it, I need to relax but we shouldn’t be this far from camp after the bridge.” “Oh my god, Bellamy stop worrying, we are gonna be fine, besides I have you to protect me and you have me to protect you. And bell, I mean this in the kindest way possible… you look like shit. You need to relax AWAY from camp.” He feigns hurt as he places his hand to his chest causing you to snort at his ridiculousness. “Look Bell, I know you’re stressed and tired with everything going on at camp and i guess, I just wanted you to know you can tell me anything and always rely on me to make you feel better or just to be there, you just gotta let me in Bell.” Bellamy looks at you and smiles causing your cheeks to slightly blush as you pull him down by the river, placing yourself between his legs with your back lying down on his chest while he props both of you up with his arms. You stare up at the sky and then down at the river while Bellamy constantly scans the woods for Grounder movement, after a few minutes his eyes drift down to you as yours somehow managed to drift to his. For a few seconds Bellamy had forgotten about the grounders, the 100, and the damn ark that dropped you guys. He was just focused on you, and you focused on him. Both of you completely happy once again.

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Its been a week since you had managed to drag Bellamy to the field, and everyday since you and him have been going there for some time each day just to relax and spend time. You and Bellamy have been best friends since you were on the ark, you were the only person outside of the Blake family Bellamy had told about Octavia. He might have been a few years older than you, but you guys didn’t care as you both felt happy and carefree as friends. But lately, after you guys found your spot, things have changed, you think back on all the times you and Bellamy were just friends, people who deeply cared for each other, but not in a romantic way, not in the way Bellamy feels for you now, and the way you feel for him. “Y/N…” Bellamy says as you lean up against his chest in the field. You turn your head to face him as you hear with voice wavering, giving him a slight smile and nod to continue he adverts his eyes from your face looking up into the sky, throughly confusing you. You shift in his lap to face him place your hand on his cheek and pull his focus back onto you, worried that something had happened and he wasn’t okay. “Hey, Bell, it’s ok. You know can tell me anything.” His eyes bore into yours and your breathing hitches, “Y/N, I’m in love with you.” You feel yourself completely stop breathing, still staring up at the man you love, who closed his eyes and wished he hadn’t said that when he saw your reaction. After giving your brain a minute to process what had happened, you raise up and press a light kiss to his lips while his eyes opened in shocked. After he had realized what was happening he pulled you closer into him and pressed your lips harder to his, you hands had managed to find their way up to his neck and one into his hair, while his made its way onto your back and hips still pressing himself to you. When you separated the smile you had never left your face, “I love you too, Bell.” You whisper back to him causing him to pull you back into another kiss.

A few days after you and Bellamy started dating and became inseparable, you took a group on a hunting trip with Bellamy. Hunting trips have been limited in case of Grounder retaliation, but you all were desperate. When the hunt was ending and you were heading back, something had caught your eye. You told everyone to be quiet and get down as you and Bellamy were in charge of scanning the woods for the grounders. When Bellamy had caught sight of one of them, he got everyone’s attention to let them know, but then you got sight of another, then another, and another and soon, you were surrounded. You had no plan, you were scared but you weren’t going to let anyone see that, so you put on your best poker face and listened to Bellamy’s plan. When he was done explaining, the grounders were gone and you had no idea where they went. You guys remained close together, not daring to separate from the group, at least that was the plan. But one cocky idiot thought he was better off alone than with the group. He started running off, accidentally grabbing you in the process and pushing you away from the group. Seeing he had grabbed you, he stopped running to make sure you were ok. Dumb mistake. The second he had stopped moving a spear went right through his chest. And he hit the ground in record time. And without even thinking you stopped moving. Dumb mistake. Pain, that was all you felt, looking down at the spear prodding through your stomach. You could hear the grounders retreat as the fog horn sounded, and you could hear Bellamy scream your name and you hit the ground, falling like a tree. “Hey-y, no-o, no, no. Please I love you, no please don’t go.” He screams as he tries to pick you up to take you to camp, cradling your hand in his neck. “Bell-l, Bell-l please, I’m so tired, just… please.” You barely whisper blood starting to dribble out of your mouth, looking up at him. “No Y/N, please think of the field and- and the river, Y/N think of the river and when we said I love you. God Y/N please, please for me, keep breathing.” Your eyes had somehow fluttered close and your breathing short and barely there. “Bellamy, Bell, you- you were my dream.” You managed to whisper smiling before you went limp in his arms, your breathing completely stopped and his mind completely breaking.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

You were gone. Bellamy hadn’t managed to go back to your spot since that day. But it’s been a week and he needs you, he needs to talk to you, to hold you, he relied on you more than he knew. You kept him sane. He felt tired, drained, and needed somewhere to go. So he went somewhere only you know, he went to the field. When he got there he fell on the ground, and for the first time since you died, he cried. He cried for a while, until he heard a branch snap behind him. Quickly grabbing his spear and wiping his face, he shot himself around, only to come face to face with Clarke, who apparently followed him to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. “Bellamy… what are you doing here? You should be back at camp.” She says as she places a hand on his shoulder as he remains on his knees staring at the ground. “I just… I need her. This was our spot.” He mumbles his eyes drifting up to the river remembering your face the first time he brought you here, when everything began. “You wanna talk about it?” Clarke says keeping her voice soft as to not upset him. “I can’t. It’s over. This was the end of… everything.” His voice becames breathy as he tries to hold in his emotions, not letting his co-leader see him cry. “I came here.” He said. “I had to come somewhere only we know.”

#bellamy blake x reader #bellamy imagine #bellamy blake #the 100 imagine #the 100 #clarke griffin #somewhere only we know #songfic #Bellamy Blake imagine #bellamy x reader #the 100 bellamy

[villnis-archive]

@themilokin sent me a million of these (and I deleted some because idk how to answer them, especially now that it’s been so long...) ages ago and I’ve been filling them out bit by bit ever since xD tumblr doesn’t like it when I do really long replies to asks apparently so you get this instead.....

A3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for? his family disagrees and as a result so does he but he really has done a lot of hard work when it comes to his magic. sure he got the power “for free” but if he hadn’t learned how to control and shape it properly (which he had to do all on his own, by the way) he wouldn’t be half as good as he is. he also worked for his artistic skills, most of the languages he knows, and his speed reading.

B5. how much do they weigh? I’m not gonna bother coming up with a number for you but he’s in the lower end of normal/average weight. he’s not underweight at all he’s just tall and skinny and doesn’t eat well and is generally stressed out and distracted a lot so yeah.

C2. in what position do they sleep? curled up and/or wrapped around whatever (or whoever) is in his bed, which is why he prefers to stuff it with pillows and blankets... he usually sleeps on his stomach or side while drooling. he doesn’t really drool when he’s just trancing instead of sleeping but he’s always after maximum comfort so he’ll get all cuddly anyway.

D2. how would they decorate their child’s room? bookshelves and dragons (+ other creatures!) and lots of warm colours.

E4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? mundane au Ianry loves memes and if you thought otherwise idk what to do with you tbh. otherwise I don’t think he cares about staying up-to-date much?

F2. what is their ideal party? depends on his mood but usually something relatively small with friends (and maybe friends of friends), doing stupid shit (Fantasy Jackass!) and getting a bit drunk (but just like... pleasantly past the point of tipsy? not hammered). board games and other shit he’s good at should come into it for sure and it’s not an ideal party until at least one person he cares about calls him cool or awesome, so he’s gotta show something off (board game skills, magic or stupid shit, doesn’t matter). so, noisy and crazy and fun enough so he can completely disappear if he feels like it without anyone noticing, but not so insane that getting everyone’s attention isn’t possible.

G5. what parts of others do they envy? the ability to take it easy. Ianry’s mind is almost constantly going a mile a minute and he overanalyzes and overthinks pretty much everything all the time. if he’s not thinking and worrying about himself he’s thinking and worrying about his friends and if it’s not that then there’s always a problem and if not that then maybe his family, or strangers in the street, or something. he’s always worrying about something and making himself sick and he doesn’t know how to slow down or relax or anything, and he envies people who can just take it easy and decide to think about “something else”.

H3. do they like the snow? in theory, yes. it looks pretty, it makes everything brighter, it’s cosy... in practice it’s cold and wet and in the way and obnoxious and he doesn’t like it at all

I1. what is their sexuality? ace

I2. have they ever questioned their sexuality? not much. I think he’s always figured that regardless of sexuality everyone has different experiences anyway, so he never had a huge “I’M DIFFERENT” realization or went through questioning “why am I not like X Y Z?” etc. he had a lot of other identity crap to deal with that took priority and it’s never been a big deal to anyone, so he doesn’t think about it much at all.

J1. what makes them happy? attention. it matters who it’s from and why but literally any form of attention is still better than no attention at all (at least in theory). nothing makes him happier than having someone’s undivided attention, that’s how it’s supposed to be.

K3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who? yes, and right now? Ambrose. for two reasons: while Ianry doesn’t have much of a personal stake in what happens to Ambrose specifically, he can’t help but take it personally that the only other sorcerer he’s ever met is an asshole and a shitstain, so a lot of the resentment comes from there. that wouldn’t be enough to wanna kill him, except he had to go ahead and be a child abuser and an unethical “““scientist”““ too, which is crossing the line by a mile and then some. so yeah Ianry would very much like for Ambrose to be super dead. 

O1. are they optimistic or pessimistic? it’s pretty situational. I feel like he’s usually optimistic but then things don’t go his way for too long and it sort of “tips” over to the pessimistic side and stays there a while. usually when he gets pessimistic he gets a bit dramatic about it I think, he’s never really annoyingly optimistic but he can be such a downer once the pessimism rears its ugly head.....

P1. what is their best personality trait? Ianry cares. he cares about his interests, and his friends, and what he feels is right, he cares about holding himself accountable and being proud of himself at the end of the day, and he cares so much about all that stuff. Ianry doesn’t really do anything by halves but he cares so passionately and so deeply, it’s his best trait by far.

Q1. do they ask for help? yes, but it’s never easy. even if it’s something no one ever expects him to know or be able to do, his pride still gets hurt when he has to ask for help with something... if it’s something he should know it seriously stings when he ends up having to ask, to the point it makes him get really down on himself. asking for help dealing with emotional stuff so rarely happens it might as well not, it’s stuck deep deep in there...

S3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets? not really. most “fights” he’s been in like that have been sort of one-sided, he was punched and knocked down at one point and didn’t fight back, and he’s had to whip out the fire bolts a couple of times in self-defense but he’s not really the type to get into fights on the street xD

T3. is it obvious when they’re lying? it depends who he’s lying to and what he’s lying about. if he’s lying to a relative stranger about something pretty chill and inconsequential it’s probably not obvious at all, but lying to his friends or family, especially about important or difficult things, is probably pretty obvious. he’s not a great liar but he also doesn’t have any obvious tells or anything, his deception skills are probably pretty average.

U5. have they surprised people with being good at something? archery and stabbing apparently!

V4. what do they like as far as comfort goes? hugs. hugs hugs hugs hugs. he’ll rarely bring himself to ask for one (that’s cheating) but nothing quite compares to a good hug when he needs comforting. they’re simple, they’re non-verbal, they’re easy to give back and they’re unconditional, he can just exist in someone else’s embrace for a bit and not talk or do anything other than exist for a second and that’s nice.

W3. do they like to swim? yes! he used to go with his family to the beach almost every summer for the first 40-ish years of his life and once he grew out of poking jellyfish and burying his parents or older brothers in sand his favourite thing to do was swimming. and now that he’s started getting more comfortable with the Alter Self spell it’s like a whole new world!

X4. can they sing well? Ianry’s a decent singer. he’s not gonna blow anyone away but it’s fine and probably quite nice to listen to most of the time. he doesn’t do it much in front of people though, it makes him feel self-conscious and nervous which makes his singing worse and then it spirals from there. he’ll sing in a group though, like if he’s at a bar and everyone’s singing along with the bard or something he’ll go all in for sure.

Y4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters? yeah! I mean sometimes I’m “in the zone” for different characters but 90% of the time I’m in an Ianry headspace and I love, love writing about him and writing from his POV.

Y5. what’s your favorite thing about them? idk if this is what the question is really about but my favourite thing about Ianry is that he’s like a sort of outlet for some stuff that I struggle with and sort of put over on him. it’s like I get to express some things and think it over and process my shit “outside” of myself and without any real consequences, which sometimes helps me a lot?

Z4. what’s their dream pet? the one he has, honestly. he’s always been fond of parrots, ever since his family kept one in the house for over 30 years when he was a lot younger, and Io is beautiful and clever and fun and has better fashion sense than him, she’s perfect!

#oc: ianry #ask stuff #oc stuff #pile of idiots #themilokin

[naminearuno]

Diary Entry #3 Part 1

March 30, 2018

It’s been quite a while since I wrote a diary entry. Honestly, I’m not surprised I stopped keeping up with it so quickly. I’m bad at things like this. It’s really strange going back and reading my old entries because I’m in such a different place now.

I have so much that I want to say to Megan since so much has changed since my last message to her… But she hasn’t responded & I literally talked about Lexi and Maya & I don’t want to sound as stupid as I feel. Lol.

I started slacking in chem lecture… I haven’t been reading the etextbook and I stopped taking notes. Forget what I said about him going at the right pace; for some reason that changed. ); I also bombed the last test because I didn’t pay attention in class or study nearly enough. (However, I got an A on the 1st one and he drops our lowest test grade… so it’s okay!) With the last test grade I have a C, but I have an A- without it. I also have an A- in chem lab, but I have As in everything else! Straight As is still a realistic possibility! I’m already halfway through the semester, too. I just need to start trying in chem lecture again and I’ll be golden.

Amber and I both gave up on getting jobs on campus this semester. We’re just gonna work at the DMV over the summer and worry about on campus jobs (or even off campus) next year. Mom got a new car which means I’m getting her old one for sure. I just need to get my license now! As far as apartments go, we’re also looking into places farther away from campus (and that allow pets) now since we know I’ll have a car.

It’s really weird for me reading about drama with Lexi and her mom from January because I don’t have to deal with that anymore. It’s funny how I mention not being a fan of Maya anymore… My feelings are much stronger than that now. Bitch actually succeeded in homewrecking my relationship… Idk. I’m actually really confused about how I feel. I keep writing sad/angry poems, listening to sad/angry music, and making sad/angry posts on social media… But I sort of feel fine? I don’t feel fine. I know I’m not really fine. All of these little comments that I make come from somewhere. The urge to listen to this music and make these posts and write these poems comes from somewhere. I’ve just gotten over the stage where my stomach physically feels sick. So it’d be easy to say that I’m fine, but I don’t want to because I know that I’m not. I just don’t know what to make of my feelings right now.

All of my friends hate Lexi now. Amber has been against my relationship with her for quite some time. Jamie says she’s shitty. Jordan has been talking to Robin about everything because she’s so mad. Even Sam turned so fast. Aly wants to go with Amber to return her things to her at championships… I don’t really trust either of them because I don’t want them to be rude to her… I just don't think I'm ready to do it myself & I told her not to speak to me at Championships... I don’t want my friends to hate her. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions (which I don’t understand all that well…) about what she did, but I don’t hate her. I don’t have ill will towards her. I’m upset with her for how she handled the situation and I want her and Maya to break up because I don’t think Maya is good for her… But I still care about her. She’s the only person I’ve ever even considered being with. The only person I have ever loved. It sucks because I was having doubts sometime in January and then she went and reassured me… gave me a ring with the promise to be loyal to me and marry me someday… And after a year of being with her I finally started to feel secure in our relationship and trust that it would work out. And then she went and lied to me and broke my heart. I don’t even know how I feel now.

Lost is the best word to describe it. I’m lost everywhere. I don’t feel good enough in guard anymore. I don’t know what I actually want to do for a living. I’m struggling to understand why Lexi chose Maya over me. It helps that I have Aly in almost the exact same boat as me. She and Jack just broke up, she’s on 901 with me, and she doesn’t know what she wants to major in. We’ve been making lots of plans to keep our minds busy so we don’t have to think about sad things and it’s been really helpful.

Amber and I gave up on our new year's resolution… I don’t think the gym is for her & we didn’t wanna go when we were sick… plus I’m very busy. But, Aly and I started going together again. On Tuesday we went to dinner with some guard peeps for an hour, spent three hours working out, and spent an hour at the pool. Tuesday was my best day in a while.

I haven’t spoken to Lexi since Wednesday, March 21st and I don’t intend to speak to her until May 2nd… her birthday. I keep having the urge to text her, but Aly & I have started texting each other when we have the urge to text our exes and that’s been helpful. I’m not miserable without her. I have so many wonderful people in my life and I’ve worked too hard to build myself up to let one person ruin me. I don’t need anyone. I still believe that. As much as I want her, I don’t need her. I don’t think I could ever be with her again anyway… Once someone shows they can hurt you so deeply you can’t let them in again so easily. Although she did say she wanted me to wait for her. But I made it very clear that I will not be her backup plan. And I hope that if she ever tried to get back with me that I would be strong enough to say no. I’m honestly not sure, though. She’s so very special. And beautiful. And even though she has very much proven otherwise, she feels safe.

I just… saying she wants me to wait for her sounds to me like she foresees her relationship with Maya not working out and her wanting to come back to me… and if that’s what she thinks is going to happen… why did she do any of this to begin with? Brian thinks she’s weak. He thinks it takes a certain type of person to be able to do what she did. He told me months ago that it wouldn’t end well. I should have listened. She cheated on Ryan and I always knew she fell for people easily. I never should have trusted her. I feel stupid for that. I’ve always known better. I keep wishing I could go back to December 9th and tell her no like I almost did… It would have saved me so much drama and stress and hurt.

She told me she doesn’t regret us, but I do. She told me that loving me is one of the best things she’s experienced, but I don’t believe her. I don’t believe she cared much about me at all. I truly believe that throughout this whole ordeal she only cared about how hurting me would hurt her. I asked her for honesty. I deserve that. She didn’t give it to me. I still can’t get over the hurt and confusion and manipulation from before she actually broke up with me when she got mad that I didn’t sit next to her but then wouldn’t hold my hand when I did. I keep wondering how many of our texts were lies… How much has happened with Maya and how long it has been going on… She gets to share a bed with her quite frequently after all…

I don’t get it. I truly believe that Maya is toxic. She is manipulative. She lies. She tells other people's secrets. She takes and takes and takes but only gives if she’ll get something in return… I don’t see them working out. I don’t want them to work out. Lexi deserves better. If she had left me for Nicole I would understand. If she left me for pretty much anyone else, I would understand. But it had to be Maya. Who gets left for Maya? I feel like a joke, but what else is new? I’ve been a joke to people since I started school.

I haven’t reverted back to my middle school self. I don’t write pages and pages of reasons why I’m terrible and should die. Although I have wanted to several times, I haven’t cut. I haven’t purged. I’ve been eating. I did go almost a whole day without eating or drinking anything, but I finally got Panda around 9pm. I’ve been doing the 100happydays challenge on Instagram which has helped a lot. I’ve also been keeping track of all of the /good/ things that make me cry.

#dear diary #diary #journal #vent #rant #personal

[lovewavesxx]

Love Waves – EP 7 – WTF ARE WE DOING?

Click here to read Love Waves - Introduction

“WTF ARE WE DOING? –E xx.”

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/4WpepDQVwmxbMSLi2JGuSJ

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/love-waves-ep-7-wtf-are-we-doing/idpl.u-4JombJltjBX3Rv

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwEZgDEorNRQRokZrxPmUwyPZTIzslqpd

1. Lauren Sanderson – Conversations (feat. DYSN)

2. THEY. – Truth Be Told

3. Post Malone – I Fall Apart

4. Snow Tha Product – Waste of Time

5. Drake – Furthest Thing

6. Marty Grimes – Fuxk Around

7. The Neighbourhood - #Icanteven (feat. French Montana)

8. Blaise Moore – HANDS

9. G-Eazy – Shoot Me Down (feat. Anthony Stewart)

10. Tory Lanez – Friends With Benefits

11. Childish Gambino – Heartbeat

12. Beyoncé – Hold Up

13. SZA – Prom

14. Marko Penn – Same Ones

15. Dylan Matthew – Sober

16. Cam Meekins – Heart

17.Cardi B – I Gotta Hurt You

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Click here to leave a comment or say something idk :) (it’s anonymous)

do·ing

ˈdo͞oiNG/

1. the activities in which a particular person engages.

2. effort; activity.

This is probably the most aggressive playlist I’ve made for this series so far. To be very honest I am struggling with how to write this description accurately. Bare with me while I get to the end zone, and I apologize in advance if it gets long. Just know it comes from my heart.

I used to be the type of person who had issues controlling my words in heated moments. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone I loved because of something I said. Words can hurt. Words can’t be taken back. Due to my growing awareness of that flaw, I really started to work on staying silent and thinking very hard about what to say and how to react in situations that are high stress and potential breaking points in any form of relationship. Since I’m human, it’s still a work in progress at times.

One of the most disgusting things I learned throughout this process of trying to fix myself is that even when I do not release those bitter statements into the world, they still exist in my head. It’s very frustrating for me. If you truly know me, then you know at the heart of everything I want nothing but the best for everyone I love and even people who have hurt me.

It can start to become very draining to think about all the awful things you’d wish would happen to someone because you’re angry at them or because of something they did or how they treated you. That way of thinking is repulsive. It’s not a quality I want in someone else or myself. I’ve learned it is much less stressful to say and genuinely feel that you want the best for that person instead. That’s it, the best. The best of whatever they feel is most fulfilling in their life whether it involves me or not. You can’t choose what happens to you, but you can choose how to react.

The act of letting anger, jealously, and hurt go can be difficult. I still struggle with this. While the journey can be an uphill struggle, getting to the other side is very refreshing. It’s very freeing. For every uphill there is a downhill. Never forget that.

So, the initial concept of this playlist came from an internal confusion I’ve dealt with for what seems like forever—the ups and downs of having someone you care about so deeply and not being able to let them go. It feels sort of like dancing around with them on all of these uphills and downhills. Complexities and confusion is hard for me to deal with. At the same time, I’ve learned my head definitely has the ability to go wayyyy above and beyond thinking and trying to navigate a situation that is not clean cut.

Grey areas drive me nuts because I’m the type of person who wants things to be crystal clear. I want to know what is going on and why. I’m usually an all or nothing type of gal. Having to hold back or put boundaries on any form of relationship feels very unnatural to me. It makes me uncomfortable being told how and when to act.

If I can move my schedule around or make time for you I will without you asking. That goes for friends, family, anything. I prioritize the connections I have. I can’t explain why I’m like this, but I just am. If I care about something or someone I will always fight like hell to make time and give my absolute best effort possible. There are no excuses for not fighting to keep your greatest priorities fulfilled and in the best shape possible.

That being said, I struggle with the differences in priorities I have when another person doesn’t seem to match my efforts. It can kind of feel like a slow death. It can feel like your soul is exporting itself in effort towards another, and when very little is being returned or evenly matched, it can leave you feeling drained.

Another thing I can sometimes struggle with is accepting the difference in opinion or view other’s have towards me, or something I feel very passionately about. I’m stubborn, and I always have been. I get that from my father haha. But at the same time I think I do a decent job of not letting my pride get in the way when I realize I am wrong.

Conflict and disagreements no matter can big or small can be frustrating, but without differing opinions we’d all be the same and let’s be real, that would be hella lame. I think what I’ve learned most from being in situations where there is a disagreement in views is it allows for a perspective other than your own to be heard. It can create a dialogue. Over the past year, more than ever, I have learned I would much rather us have a disagreement and a conversation because of that, than to just give up and leave. I suppose that whole fighting aspect of me morphed more into genuinely fighting to keep growing connections with people I value so highly.

It’s also weird because over the past few months I’ve learned I don’t want to change anyone. I don’t want to control anyone or their behaviors I find less desirable. I’ve learned you have to sometimes accept what you do not understand or agree with. However, there’s a beauty in that act of acceptance. I think that’s how you know your intentions and love is pure—accepting their existence for everything they are in the present. I just want you to be the best version of yourself, and my opinion on what that version is or desired to be is absolutely irrelevant. The only person who can be the judge of what is best for you, is you. I can only be there by your side through everything in support. That’s all I have the power to do or even want to do—support you on your journey. Of course there are aspects that would be a welcomed change, but at the end of the day I only want someone to change if they want to. My views are invalid.

This playlist is meant to display confusion. If you listen to the stories within the songs it’s all very chaotic. It plays with the idea of letting go, coming back, being selfish, being selfless, wanting, lusting, loving, hating, and being annoyed—all of it. At the core I think it displays how uncomfortable I can get when a situation arises and plays with my insecurities in any form of relationship. It’s sad, but when I feel threatened I feel the need to protect myself by lashing out. I want to be cold. I want to be like, “Fine, fuck you.” BUT I am still trying sooo harddd to fight nawwwttt to beeee soooo bitter and petty. Nobody wants to love something that is so negative. It’s gross. Like, it’s literally my least favorite quality that I am seriously trying to fix. *insert sos emoji*

To overcome that feeling of being insecure, uncomfortable, confused, bitter, and even sometimes upset things aren’t going the way you hoped they would, I think it’s easiest to actively calm yourself down and focus on the very moment you are in with yourself or with a person who has the potential to evoke those emotions. Don’t think about the potential of what they could be because you might be creating expectations that may never be met and that could upset you. Don’t think about what they were in the past because you aren’t there anymore. Focus on the present moment you are in with them. Fight like hell to be at peace with them and yourself as you exist in the same moment together. I think when you reach that point life gets way better. It feels like you kind of made it. It feels like that downhill is about to be sccchhhwweeeettt.

To briefly discuss the root of the inspiration behind this wavy playlist I had a friend recently say, “You guys are on and off more than a light switch.” They said this after the playlist and concept were created, but I think it still fits. That statement at face value is funny to me. It’s also accurate. Upon further reflection though (since I’m like, the best at thinking too much) I think it’s important to remember that even when a light is switched off, the wiring doesn’t go away. That spark can always return. It just takes one action. That’s it. A moment of courage or effort can have the potential to light up your entire world and change everything you know. It’s also important to remember that without darkness you may never appreciate the light you are given no matter how long it lasts. A deep connection is rare. I wouldn’t trade mine for anything.

Song Explanations:

The playlist opens up with Lauren singing about wanting to be with someone who makes her grow upward, but the person there right now isn’t pushing to be better or make her better. The lyrics in the second verse show how Lauren is evolving positively and the girl she’s referring to isn’t progressing.

Truth Be Told not only has a great sound, but the story is fairly universal as well. The opening line is, “Say somethin’ / Know that there’s two sides to every story.” Literally, please just say something. Verse two talks about why they broke up.

Click here to read to lyrics for Truth Be Told by THEY.

So, I actually listened to Stoney the night it was released last year. I was mainly obsessed with No Option, Feel, Patient, Leave, Feeling Whitney, Hit This Hard and Congratulations. It wasn’t until recently I saw a short video of Post Malone singing I Fall Apart live on Twitter and I was like, “Bruh, I felt the words you just sang in my soul.” The emotion he conveyed was powerful. Since then, I’ve been listening to the song probably too much. The lyrics “I fall apart down to my core,” leave me shooketh. 

Snow nails how I feel sometimes when my anger and frustration gets the best of me. “Getting attached / I’m gonna go / I’ll be alright / I’m better alone..You’re a fucking waste of time.” Her flow is ridiculous. This song is so smooth whether you’re dealing with anything or not.

Furthest Thing by Drake was a song I played heavily during the spring of 2017. I would list my favorite lyrics from this song, but it would be damn near the whole thing. Most importantly though is the lyric, “The furthest thing from perfect like everyone I know.”

Click here to read the lyrics for Furthest Thing by Drake

I used to think there was a certain point at which I would give up on Him. Hell, Fuxk Around is even by one of his favorite artists, Marty Grimes. So many people have told to move on. Forget about it. He’s dead weight. He’s a mess. He’s a fuckboy. The list goes on. To some degree I have moved on. I don’t hang onto every word or silence between us like I used to. I don’t feel angry anymore. I just feel this weird calm right now. I think that’s good though. I mean, it sure beats crying myself to sleep or craving his attention, like I once did. I swear I used to see the type of car he once had like evvv-eryyy-wherrre and the reminder of him would just unleash this weird wave of heat over my entire body, until I got distracted enough, and then it would leave. What’s even more weird is that I wish I could actually put words to why I would feel that way so I could’ve controlled it better. Either way, time and space have a way of bringing people together or keeping them apart. I guess for us, for now, I’m just lucky we manage to always find our way back eventually. It kind of feels like nothing could actually break that connection past repair because we’re too honest with each other.

#Icanteven is just a littttt ass song by one of my favorite bands who manages to mix genres ridiculously well.

Friends With Benefits by Tory Lanez is definitely a song that makes me just want to dance. Everything about the song makes me feel dangerous. And yeah, I know that sounds crazy.

Heartbeat by Childish Gambino is a song I’ve been playing A LOT. One of my friends made this sick playlist for me and this song was in there. The entire narrative is wild and the music production is even wilder. It’s all sooo great.

“Hold up they don’t love you like I love you..What a wicked way to treat the girl who loves you.” Ya know, it’s crazy because I think a lot of the upset I used to feel from people I had feelings for was derived from me giving so much and just expecting my efforts would be matched by them. I learned that is definitely not the way to be. You either stick around because you care enough about them or you leave. What they do or don’t do hopefully shouldn’t drive you away unless you let it.

SZA is literally my queen right now. Her album Ctrl changed my life when it came out in June. The entire album speaks to me. Prom was the first song off the album I really felt a connection to. The beat reminds me of a heartbeat. I can relate to the lyrics, “Fearin’ not growin’ up / Keepin’ me up at night / Am I doin’ enough? / Feel like I’m wastin’ time,” because sometimes I do feel like I’m not where I should be or I’m not doing enough to get to where I feel I belong. In my head I hear not only myself, but another perspective from someone else saying, “Promise to get a little / Better as I get older / And you’re so patient / And sick of waitin’ / Promise to do better / Shoulda coulda / Prolly wanna let me go / But you can’t, oh.” That same perspective of someone not being on my same level also bleeds into the lyrics, “Please don’t take it, don’t take it personal / Like I know you usually do.” I accidentally take, like everything wayyy too personal sometimes. It’s dumb, and I’m working on it. I don’t mean to be something that frustrates you, and I know you don’t mean to frustrate me. It just happens.

Click here to read the lyrics from Prom by SZA

Same Ones by Marko Penn is this dope song that expresses a few different phases I’ve had in my life, but at the core I stay with the same ones who have always been there for me.

In the past I’ve had to deal with being with someone who was going through some issues, and they dealt with those feelings with substances. It kills me inside when other people choose an object or substance over me. You only want me when it’s convenient for you but your actions are having negative effects on you and me. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, and it hurts to see you medicate yourself so much. The song Sober by Dylan Matthew is well produced and I enjoy the story he tells.

I see myself a lot in Heart by Cam Meekins. I relate to the female he’s singing about and I also relate to Cam’s perspective too. “Coffee colored eyes / Sick of writing love songs.” Sometimes I feel so intoxicated by his brown eyes, and sometimes it annoys me that he inspires some of my best work. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It makes me feel like a creep. I used to feel like the next lyrics, which is really weird when I actually think about it. “It’s like when I am far from you, I want nothing but you / But when I have you here, it’s like I’m only thinking “fuck you” / So maybe I’m the problem, I can’t figure it out / Because no matter what I do, the cycle keeps going around.” I think it has to do with the expectation and fantasy you build that person up to be in your head and then you get disappointed when they don’t live up to the standards you A) didn’t tell them about and B) should’ve never placed on them in the first place. I swear, I have learned so much about people and myself over these past couple years.

The last song is sooooo fucked up. I Gotta Hurt You by Cardi B is crazy. There used to be a time in my life where if I got hurt or felt attacked by someone I just felt the need to get them back with that same hurt. Not physically, but I do have a mean side I am deffo not proud of. It doesn’t even make sense to hurt something you love, but it happens.

If you stuck with me through all of this mumbo jumbo I wish I could give you a hug. I went IN on this week’s playlist and description. Congratulations, I opened up too much about parts of me I do not like, but I’ve never really been scared to express myself. Learn from my mistakes because I am trying my damndest to do the same. There’s this episode of Scrubs where Turk keeps telling Carla she’s making mountains out of molehills. I hope when I get out of line those closest to me continue to keep putting me back in my place. It stings, but I’ll love you for it anyway.

Love,

-E xx.

p.s. To go back to the title, “WTF ARE WE DOING?” I have no clue, and I don’t care to try and figure it out right now. Despite everything we’ve been through, life is still litt when I get to exist with you. I’ll always want to cheer you on. I wouldn’t trade our seconds for anything hun. xx.

#comp playlist #lauren sanderson #they. #post malone #snow tha product #drake #marty grimes #the neighbourhood #blaise moore #g-eazy #tory lanez #childish gambino #beyonce #sza #marko penn #dylan matthew #cam meekins #cardi b

[bisymmetra]

i. title: détente

ii. fandom: overwatch

iii. characters/ships: jack morrison, ; gen, background ships, might be reaper76 if i make this a thing but rn it’s shipless

iv. warnings: uh, discussion of ptsd/panic attacks/nightmares, but like vaguely? like nothing triggery really but if youre sensitive, brief mention of alcohol, more specific champagne and the pop of it setting off a panic attack

v. tags: dogs, im using forty nine for jack’s age bc the timeline’s all over and i put 45 - 55 in a rng and got forty nine, angela ziegler has #connections, this is five pages and just short of 2k words wtf, tenatively, bonnie the dog, therapy dog, this is jack centered tbh but if i write more hana’s getting a cat, idk if i truly like this

vi. summary: “Uh,” Jack says, the stumble coming out before he can stop it. “That’s a dog.”

“It sure is,” Angela says agreeably, depositing it in his arms and sipping her coffee. “Merry Christmas.”

“It’s June,” he deadpanned, as the wriggling little thing laps at his visor.

vii. notes: i wrote this in an hour and i dont know if i truly like it but bonnie the dog is a thing now. i literally just listened to alberta by eric clapton while writing this. will be on ao3 in half an hour. @snowsheba​ saw these hcs that inspired this first. 

It’s four in the morning the first time he tells Angela about the dreams.

Nightmares, really. The kind that leave him grasping at catching his breath, the sweat on his brow chilly wet and clingy in the Spanish night. The kind that leaves your heart thrumming in his ears. He doesn’t - he doesn’t think this is anything important, really. It should be expected, really. He’s old, now, and he’s been military for forty damn years. He’s seen some shit.

Most people who got up real early to find him already awake didn’t question it - dreams of their own, he guessed, or maybe just expecting career military to be up at the crack of dawn. And they weren’t wholly wrong - years on a farm and years in the military have him waking up earlier than most the base, on the nights where he doesn’t wake up around two or three.

It’s the fourth time that Angela’s woken up at three in the morning to find him awake. The kitchen. this time. The practice range twice before, and once in between that in one of the commons, a book on his lap. (He didn’t much like being there, on one of those nights, but he’d had a nightmare about an incident in Kuwait, and the walls of the room had been suffocating. Hana had also been sitting there, playing some vintage game in the low light. He figured they were there for similar reasons, and didn’t say a word for hours.)

“Jack,” Angela said. The clock on the wall is a bright, neon blue 3:49 AM. Jack, to his credit, manages to look up from his coffee and at her. In the fluorescent kitchen light, her dark circles look more prominent, the mess of her hair tied in a loose not. She has a bottle of water in her hand. She looks exhausted. Momentarily, he wonders how much sleep she’s getting, then feels like a hypocrite.

“Angela,” he musters, swallowing. “Lovely morning.”

“The sun won’t be up for another few hours,” she said. “Why are you up?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” he says, which - it isn’t a lie, really. He couldn’t get back to sleep, after tonight.

“Doesn’t seem like you ever do,” she says, sliding down across from him. “That’s not good for your health.”

“I get a few hours,” he says. Three and a half, tonight. “Could be worse.”

“Jack,” she admonishes. “This isn’t - have you been dreaming?”

“Most people do sometimes,” he says, which - technically correct, but not what she’s asking. There is a beat, which is mostly filled with Angela frowning deeply at him and Jack staring at his coffee. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

Except it doesn’t really work, because Angela is phenomenal at seeing through bullshit, and this isn’t the first accident she’s seen. (There was once, with a bottle of champagne, and the noise and laughing sounds like screaming so easily and. Jack had excused himself, mumbling, hands shaking. Angela had followed when everyone was distracted. Angela knows. How could he think he could win at lying to her?)

“There are people who can help with - everything,” she says. “I know a few that are - they’re good.” Jack fixates on everything but Angela’s face, feeling naked without the visor. He instead stares at where her neck meets her shoulder, the marks Fareeha had left. There’s a stain on her shirt’s collar, of what’s chocolate, coffee, or blood. It’s dried brown, almost reddish brown in the light. Out the window, the Gibraltar night is interrupted with crickets.

He wonders what Angela dreams of. People she couldn’t save, his mind fills in. Genji’s corpse-body, when they first brought him in. People she can’t save. Gunshots.

Jack sighs. It’s a gesture that makes him feel older than he is.

“They’re just bad dreams,” he says, voice low and deep. It feels like a confession. “Omnic Crisis. Overwatch. Old things. I’m an old man, Angela, it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong just because it keeps me up.”

“You’re not that old, compared to the average,” she muses absently. “You’re only forty nine.”

“Fifty in a few weeks,” he said, hoping for a diversion. “I’m not a young man anymore, anyway. And I can’t really see a therapist, if that’s what you’re suggesting.”

“Why not?”

“I’m legally dead, remember?” Angela nods, clearly contemplative. He closes his eyes. “‘s just dreams, either way. Doesn’t matter a bit.”

There’s a long pause. Angela rises from her seat. “Good night, Jack,” she murmurs.

For days, he waits to see if Angela brings it up again, or tells someone, or something. He’s worried about it.

It’s just dreams, and anxiety and - it doesn’t matter. He just doesn’t want people to look at him differently. But no one does and Angela doesn’t say anything. It’s almost as if their early morning conversation is forgotten.

It’s been nine days when he first realizes Angela didn’t forget at all. He’s sitting in a common room, talked into joining most of the other agents. People are mostly in their own groups. Hana and Genji are playing some Mario Kart thing, the engineers at a table discussing - schematics, he thinks, but he’d heard the words Pop Tarts and doubted himself - Jesse and Hanzo and Fareeha talking in soft voices. Lena, Reinhardt and Ana at a table, Wid- Amelie, he corrects himself - Amelie joining them. Sombra and Lucio at a table hollering about the game Hana and Genji are playing. Who had cajoled two thirds of their ex Talon agents and how is lost on him, but he’s almost glad Gabriel wasn’t here, even knowing - this is a talk for another day. Jack is at one of the old, worn seats, an old book in his lap.

“Jack!” Angela’s voice comes in from the hall, and most look up as she pushes the door open with her hip. It takes only a moment to discern why: in one hand is a mug of what is definitely coffee, and the other is a -

“I got you a present, you’re welcome,” Angela says.

“Uh,” Jack says, the stumble coming out before he can stop it. “That’s a dog.”

“It sure is,” Angela says agreeably, depositing it in his arms and sipping her coffee. “Merry Christmas.”

“It’s June,” he deadpanned, as the wriggling little thing laps at his visor.

“Happy early birthday,” she replies. “You turn fifty in two weeks. There.”

The puppy - which, relatively, is pretty big, a St Bernard if he had to guess - laps at his cheek next. “This is a dog,” he repeats. “Where did you get this?”

“Her,” Angela corrects. “She flunked out of being a therapy dog because she liked to lick strangers or something along those lines. She needed a home. Dogs, I’ve been told, lower stress. You’re going to give yourself a stroke or a heart attack at this rate.”

In that moment, he realizes this is about what they discussed but Angela doesn’t want to say it in public. He can appreciate that much. “Can we even keep a-”

Lena is by his side, scooping her up in a second. Her, the dog, not Angela. “Why are you protesting? It’s a dog! Accept it and move on.” The dog licks Lena’s face delightedly, and everyone resumes talking over each other about - well. Jack rises, giving Angela a look. She just grins back, satisfied.

“Fine,” he acquiesces. Arguing isn’t going to do much, anyway. Angela’d kill him if he tried to return her, anyway, even if he hasn’t had a dog since he was a teenager. His family had kept hunting and herding dogs, all of which loved his mother more than anything. She gave them the most scraps. Lena shoves the bundle of fur back into his arms after one last lick, and he stares at her as she returns to licking his face. Her, the dog, that is. Not Lena.

The dog follows him around all the time. When he sits, she sits on his feet, gets comfortable. Angela tells him she’s a six month St. Bernard. They called her Nessie in training, but she never learned the name and really, it just makes him think of conspiracy theories. (Dimly, he remembers Reinhardt rambling about - he really wants to say Bigfoot, but the memory is twenty five years old.)

He mostly just calls her Dog, which outrages an alarming amount of people. Expectedly, Ana, Lena, and Angela are most fond of Dog. Unexpectedly, he’s caught Hanzo giving her scraps four times in three days. When he enters a room that Hanzo and Bonnie are already in, she’s in his lap and he looks like a deer in the headlights. (It’s actually really fucking funny.)

He sets her on the floor before bed, but she’s always curled up next to him when he awakens, like a really furry pillow.

It takes five days for him to really get used to the idea she could provide actual help.

It’s - another bad dream, because of course it is. Jack gasps for breath, kicks off the blanket, brow slick cool with sweat. His heart pounds in his ears. Him kicking the blankets must of woke the Dog, as she bounces up, presses next to him.

She shoves her head and back against his hands, in a way that would be petting if it was his hands moving, not her body. She licks his face tentatively, as if seeing if that helps. Jack can feel his heart start to slow, faster than his normal calm down times. He moves his hands, callouses running against soft fur. Dog takes this as encouragement, licks him more excitedly. Jack closes his eyes.

Normally, he’d get up. He wouldn’t be back asleep regardless, so he may as well get up. But Dog settles in next to him, and petting her evens him out, makes it easier to settle. He lets himself be lulled to sleep.

In the morning, he names her Bonnie. It seems fitting, somehow. She seems like a Bonnie. He’ll talk to Angela about a collar, soon.

In the meantime, he sits down at the cafeteria table, Bonnie by his feet, and pretend he doesn’t see no less than five people feeding her scraps.

He goes on a day long mission on July 3rd. His birthday’s the next day (he’s getting old, he thinks). It’s a short thing, mission wise. Fifteen hours securing a payload in the heart of London and back.

He’s with Lucio, D.Va, Genji, Mei, and Sombra for it, all these young kids making him feel much older than he is. (Mei, Genji, and Sombra are all in their thirties, he remembers. But he’s fifty tomorrow. They’re kids to him, anyway. They all have much more.. zest than he does.)

He gets back late, and he’s a little sad to not have Bonnie at the door when he enters the room. He discards his jacket to the desk and changes fast, glancing at the bed to locate his dog. She’s sleeping in her exact normal spot, with an approximately Jack sized spot next to her. Jack slides in next to her, and she shifts awake, moving to press into him. She licks his face hello, and he calms her by petting her back for a few minutes.

He breathes easy, relaxed. After a few, he glances at the clock. 12:02.

“Happy birthday,” he hums warmly, closing his eyes.

He sleeps well that night.

now on ao3!

#jack morrison #my writing #overwatch #soldier: 76 #snowsheba #bonnie the dog #is this any good? we just don't know

[bangtannnscenariosbro]

Hogwarts Students!BTS

Admin River speaks: ok i’ve had this idea for sO long and I’ve been rereading the series again for the 5th time rip me. but yeah just these are my opinions pls dont attack me ddjjfjfjs. Also I made this a while ago and recently Namjoon wrote where the members would be, I know, I know. So without further ado, enjoyyyy 

Tae

• the cute Gryffindor who always seems to smile • messy hair • and robes • his shirt is usually unbuttoned a few buttons • loose tie • his wand behind his left ear • chaser !!! • usually gets out of trouble because none of the teachers seem to be able to r e s i s t his s m i l e • headmaster/mistress probably has a soft spot for him • probably has rlly good grades, like all O’s maybe a few E’s • “but, professor” • can be restless and talkative in class • is probably rlly into care of magical creatures • Hagrid would absolutely a d o r e him • just so full of life • in the choir bc yes boi • h o g s m e a d e especially when its s n o w i n g

• most likely part veela

• like have you s e e n him

• beauty right there • is able to smuggle in firewhiskey

• laughs when the other students cant drink it and make a face

• laughs even more when they watch in horror as he downs a cup

• “the hell, tae ???”

• j o k e s h o p

• loves the Weasley’s joke shop

• talks to the ghosts and portraits a lot

• has probs accidently charmed a couple ladies in the portraits

• which comes in handy when he finds out all these secret passages

• loves flower crowns and loves making them during the spring

• “here yoongi i made u one”

• “..... I'm more concerned as how u knew thats my favorite flower.”

• “that’s your favorite flower?”

• “.... forget i said anything.”

• k just imagine after a game he flies down from his broom with a huge grin and pushes he goggles up and so his hair is all wild and even more messy

• n he brings every1 in a group hug and cheers “we won, we won !!!”

• even if they dont win be celebrates with the other team

•...somtimes.. be gets pouty tho

• “we literally could have won that was a foul :(“

Jin • cute Hufflepuff • always so full of advice

• if u want u could set up a lil date with him at hogsmeade to just talk about your problems and sip a warm drink • so s o motherly • sometimes he has a loose tie and disheveled hair • he has rlly nice skin and the other students are like ??? tell me ur secrets ??? • hufflepuff’s dorms are by the kitchens so he probably made friends with the elves working there • can probably walk in and out whenever he wants • the few times he walks in late to class he probably has a few crumbs on his mouth or robes or maybe like some sugar or flour and its so e n d e a r i n g • such a good student • pays so much attention in class • sometimes wears those glasses, you know which ones • the girls probably all like him • and a few boys too hehe coughsnamjooncoughs • probably likes charms and maybe divination • he probably also likes herbology • also is probably in the choir because i mean have you h e a r d h i m • loves going to Hogsmeade • probably is pretty good friends with Madame Rosmerta • exchanges recipes with her • he seems so sophisticated and people probs look up to him a lot • p r e f e c t • h e a d  b o y

• tells so many jokes to first years

• windshield laugh

• u would think the first years would be scared but no???

• they end being less nervous and smile and giggle with him

• even jin gets slightly surprised

• they end up getting close with him and almost like his own kids

• “but jiiiiiiiiinnn”

• “fine :/”

• ok but he stops so many fights n things from escalating too quickly

• both in the dorms and in bts

• even a couple teacher drama incidents

• professors lowkey want him to stay n teach there

• gets so worried??? About people ???

• he has a nervous tick where he keeps rubbing his hands as if he's putting on lotion

• but if he's rlly worried he's absolutely still and that's probs when u should be worried too Yoongi • ok he was rlly hard • like i wanted to say slytherin but idk i felt like i was stereotyping a bit by looks • i wanted to say ravenclaw but like idk man • i think I’m settling for g r y f f i n d o r • he’s rlly brave, man, like he went through so m u c h and he is so strong and f i g h t s back yanno • some ppl probably can't understand why he’s a gryffindor and he wants to keep it like that lol • he’s never seen doing his hw most of the time but gets ??? Perfect scores??? • he unbuttons one button on his shirt because its t o o t i g h t dammit i cant breathe • also slightly loose tie • defense against the dark arts all the way bro • a knack for transfiguration but gets so flustered when the professor compliments him which means red cheeks and wide eyes for days • hypes up quidditch so m u c h • like if its rlly cold and its raining he’d be like ew gross no im not going • but is a l w a y s there • gummy smiles and screaming when they win • he’s rlly good at quidditch but never joined bc “too much responsibility” • he’s lowkey insecure about his skills but sshh dont tell anyone • probs joins like 5th year

• a beater probably

• helps with stress lol • he has so much confidence and ppl appreciate that and wish they had that

• joon gave him a music box once cause he thought it was rlly pretty n yoongi just fell in love with it

• ink stained fingers

Jimin • the cute hufflepuff everyone adores • hypes up friends 25/8 • talks in class and then gets sheepish and embarrassed when he gets called out to stop • will fight??? Anyone ??? Who messes with his friends ??? • but liek if u hurt him u suddenly got all of hufflepuff as ur enemy sorry bro • he’s so so sweet like he probably gives all his professors gifts for the holidays • homemade cookies (with the help of jin ofc) • probably takes up knitting so that he can make scarfs 4 his frens • always there at quidditch games and hypes all his friend even if they’re against each other • he’s so reliable??? • giggles 4 days • but liek he is so cute n innocent but has laser focus and is so passionate about getting things done some ppl are just ??? Slytherin tho ??? • he’s the loyalist loyal to ever loyal • he probs enjoys muggle studies • muggle studies and potions • he likes the fact that you get all these ingredients and then end up with this huge product that can save lives or end them   w i l d t • will stay up rlly late if u need someone to talk to • will also make sure u go to ur dorm safely and probably tuck u in

• the kind of person every1 wants 2 protect

• but dOnt be fooled this boi can be solo mischievous

• its ok tho he cute

• he's like hot chocolate with whipped cream and caramel sauce

• ya feel?

• will break the rules if he has to don't underestimate him

• don't underestimate him in general

Namjoon

• ravenclaw!!!

• this boi is so smart like he could have easily pursued a career academically n wasnt he top of his class too ?

• even if that's wrong his lyrics sure prove it right

• he would do certain things and ppl would be like typical ravenclaw

• at first he was proudful of his house but then he slowly started getting insecure

• he didn't want to be known as this typical ravenclaw

• but he soon realizes that it's ok because he's just being himself n if ppl need to label things then o well

• v awkward but so w i s e

• like he thinks of so many abstract ideas that like??? It's amazing??

• carries around a lil notebook full of stories and poems

• so much p a t i e n c e

• he also feels so deeply and sometimes feels like exploding so he probably gets in lil moods where he wants to be alone

• luckily he has his frens (bts) who r like uhm bro let's talk

• so sweet and just wants the best 4 ppl but its sometimes hard to express t h a t

• stresses out easily during exams

• laughs and smiles that make flowers grow

• p r e f e c t a n d h e a d b o y

• he does lil things like save u butterbeer if ur not feeling well or get u sum sweets from Hogsmeade

• such a sweetheart

• luvs spending time outside especially during the spring

• lowkey writes poetry about his friends

• he just appreciates them so much

• transfiguration and ancient runes boi

• l i b r a r y

• Filch probably picks on the poor boy like

• joon is running back to his dorm after a study session in the library

• n filch is like iTs AftEr Hours

• and joon is like ??? I have 5 minutes ???

• sometimes he goes wide eyes like a deer in the headlights when he panics or doesn't know what's going on omg protect this boi

Hoseok

• okAy he's Ravenclaw tOo fIght mE

• he is just so fascinated by learning new things like

• wth that plant can do that???

• that animal exists ???

• w ow i e

• ok but sunshine boi

• is absolutely excited about herbology and care of magical creatures

• also charms

• he's just always so excited to learn new things !!!

• he stresses easily tho and breaks down a lot bc he gets a lot of pressure to get good grades

• like boi that's not ravenclaw calm ya shit

• frens defend him 25/8

• keeper!!!

• he learns to keep his wand hidden in weird places and like pulls it out at random places and ppl are like ???

• lots of screamign and happiness

• ppl get annoyed but it's hoseok he can do no wrong

• asks weird questions that are somehow relevant to the subject but r so abstract that even some professors are baffled

• he's so flexible ???

• like some ppl r just ??? How the h e ck??

• n liek the lil shit he is he winks and says “magic”

• lots of “hobi why”

• charms banners for quidditch when he doesn't play so they're all pretty n cool

• the school doesn’t suspect it's him

• him sharing a bunk with namjoon !!!

• luvs visiting Hagrid with Tae

• always has a new piece of info about dragons 2 share with Hagrid

• robes r usually wrinkled

• him wearing flower crowns/ bracelets that tae makes

Jungkook

• okay so

• hear me out

• s l y t h e r i n

• he was 15 when he debuted n liek ???

• he's 19 now ?? Thats a lot of ambition and hard work

• also he's a meme n he's cunning when he wants stuff

• n he also said he can handle hard schedules but when bts starts to hurt that's when he feels bad like ???

• but liek he gets kinda insecure sometimes bc slytherin is “””””bad””””””

• but he gets a talk from namjoon that ppl will be like that n to just ignore because a house is just supposed to let u be surrounded by ppl who r similar to u to learn better

• he also lowkey gives him permission to beat any1 up

• when he was younger he would sometimes sneak to other dorms

• to be with one of the members since be was insecure n shy with his house members

• but he soon grew confident and made other friends and bts were like proud moms lol

• seeker!!!!

• he always feels bad going against his frens but they just wink at him n he gets confidence

• frequent visits to madame pomfrey bc he a daredevil smh

• joins choir like 3rd year

• he hesitated for so long because he's an insecure bab and !!!!

• but tae n jin r liek cmon boi ur very good let's do this

• he pretends to be a bad boi with bts but he barely gets a glimpse of a professor n he quickly straightens his tie n smooths down his shirt

• art !!!!

• he likes to sketch ppl

• “hey yoongi do this with ur hands”

• wavy haired jungkook 6th n 7th year !!!!!

• his book bag has at least 2 sketchbooks

• he would feel so bad when ppl would notice his robes and point and whisper

• but they realized how he actually was n how bts treated him

• vvvv talented

• catches on to concepts right away

• ppl think he likes defense against the dark arts but actually……..

• care of magical creatures is his fav

• probs lowkey likes astronomy

#mama mario #sweg masta #j-sunshine #rap nun #chimchim #taetae baebae #golden kid #kim taehyung #taehyung #park jimin #jimin #jungkook #kim seokjin #seokjin #jin #namjoon #kim namjoon #min yoongi #yoongi #suga #jhope #jung hoseok #hoseok #jeon jungkook #hogwarts au #bts #bts squad #bts scenarios #jungkook scenario #jimin scenario

[vagitterian]

starting to wonder if i have aspergers/autism or just have anxiety how the fuck does one assess that im trying to make a list based off of this criteria but if anyone else has any suggestions lemme know: -has trouble when people ask me to do multiple things at once, reliance on lists. really frustrated like WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING THIS LIST TO ME. EMAIL IT TO ME FFS. -ridigity of thinking (despite being an activist and trying to work on it) -history of not attending classes and needing resits -history[ish?] of depression/anxiety -i lose shit all the time. Ever since my teens. I lost so many mobile phones, I lose debit cards bimonthly, gym access cards, my student id, passports, drivers licenses. -i miss days of work bc socially exhausted -i get hella stressed if i have a lot of work in a short space - doesn’t everyone? -burns bridges with besties -i disproportionately require solitude -i am fandomey, so i have.... i dont know if i want to call them special interests, bc i dont know if i AM on the spectrum, but i definitely focus intensely on things to the detriment of everything else, including eating/sleeping. -history of being bullied/teased -gets socially exhausted, even though i really do enjoy being social! im an extrovert, but it still gets too much. its such a fine line. -intense friendships. -i suck at conflict, despite doing my very best to be honest and not letting things go unsaid. it doesn’t... work... so well... but if they don’t tell me what’s in their head i just make an educated guess and get anxious about it!! and i shut down a lot in arguments and cry really easily which is extremely frustrating. -I won’t lie, alcohol helps me a lot when I socialise. I am trying to change that because I don’t want to be reliant, but it’s hard. -I am gullible as shit lol -I literally fall asleep in meetings I am so bored. IDK if this is a symptom, I fall asleep easily all the time. Life is exhausting! The only way I stay awake is by verbally engaging with scenarios and talking to the teacher. -I suck at communicating verbally and deeply prefer text. I also process conflict a lot better that way. -I avoid the news, and documentaries about sad things, and adverts that show suffering. It affects me really deeply. I cry very easily and soak up the emotions of people around me. I can’t really handle gore. -I had trouble before with this, but lately it’s been really bad, I’m getting overwhelmed by sound. I’ve started carrying noise cancelling headphones and the earplugs you take to concerts. Loud public events have always been a struggle, but I also use them to focus in the office. -Clumsy as hell, I trip over a lot. I’m so used to it I’m pretty good at righting myself before falling over, but I get a decent amount of bruises from furniture. I have 20/20 vision. -I withdraw from touch really easily, very easily repulsed. -Bright lights are hard on me, I have it in my current office and I think longingly of when I was on another floor in the building and they adjusted the lighting. It was lovely. -I remove loads of tags on my clothes cuz they drive me up the wall. -Trains are difficult cuz of the screeching, sirens disturb me, cars on roads are a struggle even behind windows. -I dress comfy a lot. I basically live in leggings. -I prefer to initiate hugs. -I cannot stand being hungry. Seriously. My tolerance is much lower than people around me and I am an absolute wanker about it. -General time management issues. I always get too deep into things. -Definitely a night owl. -I like to pretend I’m spontaneous, but I’m not. I need things just so, and then spontaneous events can happen on TOP of that when I say so. -I’m aromantic. I feel like it’s relevant given how much of the community is also on the spectrum. -I’m extremely self conscious, and I’ve always been interested in assessing myself because of that. -I retreat into my bed a lot to manage sensory/social overload. -I don’t really understand jealousy. -I can’t tell when people are flirting with me. -I suck at group projects. -Budgeting? What? -Fear of childbirth (This is a symptom?! OK!) anyway offer ur opinions plz dont play niceynice w my feelings for the sake of validating me. anything jumping out at you as someone who is anxious and / or on the spectrum? comment plz or dm me

#autism #aspergers #anxiety #the sensory hell is really bugging me id like to pin it down #anyone got coping mechanisms for auditory sensory hell? #cheers

[pepperminthealing-blog]

Day 1

I want to start this blog stating that I’m going to attempt to write everyday, and maybe even more than one a day. The events of this blog will not be in chronological order, it’s going by what is really tearing my heart apart that day, where my mind wanders. 

I want to say thank you for whoever reads this, and I hope through my healing it may give you some insight in your own life, or better understanding of whatever. Or even if you’re just curious, I hope it tickles your feather I suppose.

On we go.

A month and a half ago I met someone, and we had the instant click. Whether it was because we were considerably nerdy, or because he made me feel safe during my current situations. Honestly, it was all supposed to be a joke; and thats so sickening to me knowing that I fell that low. We first met on tinder, and he would send some uh... wonderful messages. And my co-workers and I would read them and respond, then chuckle as we just kind of made fun of this guy who seemed to really be trying too hard. -Sigh- Who would of known that this guy was actually someone with a very very soft heart. We lost contact once I left my job shortly after my miscarriage and gained contact back when I returned, he was already seeing someone and I was on the line of breaking up with the person I was with at the time as well. We made rules that we wouldnt hang outside of work until we both had ended those two terms, because we wanted to be as truthful and transparent with not just one another but with them, fairness to speak. Today, I couldn’t tell you how we got to where we were that day, it was literally just a click... Maybe I was craving something that he posessed because I wasnt getting it in my own relationship? Idk. But, the first night we hung out... I knew I had to keep walking with him. He took me to Wawa at 3am, and bought me a tuna sandwich, and we drove to some dock area and talked about politcal things, hospital business and just our opinions on the world. It was freeing, connecting and intoxicating to find someone who had a like mindset as my own, that could hold an intellectual conversation on things that really mattered to me. After hours of talking, he drove me back to my car and kissed me, and it felt so tender and innocent. I think that was the moment I let my walls down, that for some stupid reason my dumb broken heart wanted to just burst and open up to someone I barely had any knowledge of. The most we talked when seperated was sexual things, and from my past expierences that was never a good sign, but WHY DID THIS FEEL DIFFERENT? Was it because he was a nurse I worked with? That I believed he didnt have the capacity to break me like anyone else could in this world? -sigh.- I slept with him that night, and the hormones our brains release during that time, started the attachment. But it also set the fear in that he would be like everyone else. I want to skip around so much because diving back into these memories have been nothing but haunting the last week, but I’m trying to remind myself that skipping details is skipping moments that could possibly heal you. As I’m writing this, I’m crying tears over this stupid guy. And calling him stupid isnt going to fix anything, because even though you guys have gotten to read down to this part, I just want to say he isnt bad at all. He didnt leave to be an asshole, he was physically ill, he had an addiction problem and I was his catnip. And asking him to stay wasnt just selfish of me, but it was deadly. I would of never forgiven myself if he relapsed because I pushed him too far. I know he cared about me, and the impression I’m giving of him already doesnt give that off, so I wanted to say that before I continued the rest of this story.

Anyways, weeks passed and James and I would have deep conversations about our lives, fantasies, dreams and things. He would care for me when I was sick, reach out and cushion the blows I would take from the break up I just endured. He would push me to take the stress of work and push through it, remind me that I’m doing it for the greater good, and that I was doing just fine. He calmed the storm in my mind for a brief period of time, while I rumbled the dark one in his. Sex and the connection we made was what he called “catnip” to him, and he tried to push me away and I pulled him right back in. Not only was I intoxicating to him, but he became just as much to me. Who wouldnt want someone who could protect them from the harsh of the world for some time?? To give them that freedom feeling that they have CRAVED to feel for years? Valentines day, he gave me 3 chokers, and they meant the absolute world to me. Not only were they ones I wanted, but they had meaning to me. They were heartfelt emotional presents, specially from him; and I felt I was flying. I think that night was the night I began the falling process, or well... I know I did. I stepped off the ledge after he told me to not move furniture into a house he was only renting. I refused to believe that, in my head I thought I could save him, that this would be different. And the signs he gave off, gave me the hope that just that was happening.

......this is the hardest part.....

The day after Valentines day, I woke up and in my stomach I felt something different. I felt like our connection was torn, I was depressed and I thought it was just maybe me. We talked all day, and everything seemed normal. But that night, when he got off his shift, he met me in the staircase at my work. The staircase where he would visit me before he left, where he told me how crazy he was for me, where we shared some of our best kisses.... The staircase I walked down to have my first in face conversation with him...I sat next to him... Him: “Hey buddy, how are you?” It always bothered me when he called me buddy, I wasnt his buddy. I was his Kitten, his baby... “I’m alright, how are you?” “Tired.”  I wanted to just slump onto him and just melt. But I could feel the tension behind his words, that there was something that he wanted to say. “Are you still coming over Thursday?” “I don’t think thats going to be a good idea, buddy.” That last sentence shattered the world that he built up with me. I pressed on asking and he began to lightly tell me how what we built up was unhealthy for him, which I didn’t understand at that moment how it was unhealthy. How our relationship was bad for him, but I wasnt. His hazel eyes stared into mine, and I could feel that wall being built between us, I felt shut out. I tried clawing at that wall, pushing, hammering everything I could to get him to tell me why he was leaving. I sat on that second stair of the top while he stood below me, asking me to tell him to leave... I couldn’t. Telling him to leave was like telling myself to drown at that moment. How in such a short period of time could one person make me feel all this in a second. I didn’t grasp how we went from one moment of bliss, to.... hell. I’m still processing through this part, and it wasn’t until last night that it all made sense to me. James expressed so many times that he didn’t want to leave, but what we had was enticing his addictive nature, which could push him to relapse. And the only way to stop that, was to stop being with me. And I felt like I was so unhealthy for him at that point, no matter what he said. But it wasnt me, it was what we had. And there was no going back from that, you can’t just build up a relationship and then change it expecting it to change with you. So, you have to end it...  Which is still hard on me, because I care deeply about him. And because I care deeply for him; I’ve started to let him distance from me.

I wrote him one final text last night expressing every little emotion I had for him, and apologizing for throwing his stuff out, which I regret so much now because I dont have an inch of his love in my house... just my bed still smells like him. I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about him in a day, or how I’m still picking pieces of our relationship apart to find solutions or how BADLY I fight with myself to text him, begging him to text me back. Even after we broke up, he still wanted to come take care of me... I invited a random guy over to poke at him when we broke up, and he still came over to calm the pain in my heart once the guy left. Who does that? Not only do I know that what we have was unhealthy for him, but by the way I acted when he hurt me, was how I knew I was unhealthy for not just him... but those around me.

Moral to this story, even though its not fully finished but this is as much as I want to dive into it today is that... people are lessons. And James was the one who left pain in my soul, and that pain finally opened my eyes to how dangerous I am to people, how much pain I actually feel. I’m so for healing those around me, and saving those who need it. But... I forgot about me. I forgot that I need those things too, from myself. As of right now, I havent texted him; I’ve kept my word to let him distance, and I think he’s finally removed me from snap chat so he wont look at my stories and have the craving to return. 

As for me, well... this whole thing has made me realize that I need time to really heal and figure out me. I’ve been in and out of things in life, that I don’t think I’ve ever slowed down long enough to process what it is I’ve gone through. 

Do I love James? I think I loved the idea of being with him, and the feelings he gave me.

Do I care about him? Yes, and because of that, I don’t want to get in the way of his recovery.

Do I hope we can ever become something? At this point I think it’s healthy to say that everyone hopes they can get back with the person who just left them . I do hope we can talk one day, i miss our conversations. 

What’s next? Well, work today... I’m  dreading the day we have to run into each other at work, but that day will come and when it does, I’m going to embrace it and push through. 

I think thats enough for right now. 

[safarigirlsp]

I feel like this just ties into the main problem with fan fiction and racism in general. It is a white dominated space and you will never experience the exclusion it entails. It is technically true that you don't have to make fics for me. Hell you could probably write white!reader fanfics and they won't be much different a lot of the others. I don't think anyone's trying to cancel you or getting you to take it down but it is a good example of the exclusion. Cuz along with the hair and the eye color and the blushing and weight, we are not seen as the main character. That's not your fault or anything and you can do whatever you want but idk. It's kind of annoying to see a great fic made by a great writer and then discover this was not invisible with me in mind.

Good evening.

I appreciate you sending me a civil message to address your concerns, which are totally valid. I don’t pretend to understand the experience of others in this fandom or anywhere else. Which is why I have been pretty blatant about not touching politics around this issue. I have nothing to offer on that front and I wouldn’t presume to do so.

I assume that you have seen screenshots of the conversation between JynZ and myself. I will not modify anything I said in that exchange but I will elaborate.

As I stated in that conversation, it was literally not a deeper decision for me than that I wanted a setting that worked for Clyde’s accent and involved horses, war injuries like the character has, an old timey setting, and that wasn’t duplicative of my other stories or of someone else’s. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think that merely using a historical setting could be perceived in this way and that was of course never my intention. I am absolutely guilty of being naive/stupid/clueless/insensitive/you name it and that’s something I should work on. I am sorry that my lack of awareness is something that offended or hurt people. But that is what occurred- there was no malice. I had no intention of offending or hurting anyone.

Honestly, if JynZ or anyone would have approached me differently, it would have gone very differently. I’m still not prone to delete my writing bc I worked hard on it and I enjoyed it, so honestly that probably wouldn’t have happened either way. But if the approach was more along the lines of, ‘Can you try to be more conscious or aware in the future? This setting should be avoided because of XYZ’ I would have said absolutely. However, trying to bully me into making some public statement, delete my writing, etc or else is a bit much. That is not an approach to which I shall respond well.

I also think it’s wrong for anyone to expect that a writer shall produce content that everyone has to enjoy. I’ve stood up for many people on this issue before. You should absolutely expect not to be excluded from a fic and I am truly sorry that happened with my fic. But I don’t agree that because my story was written with some admitted oversights that renders it ‘inappropriate.’ It was also properly tagged so that potential readers could avoid it. Nothing was sprang on anyone who gets 1k words in only to realize that, fuck, this is set during the civil war. Ideally, of course, everyone will enjoy everything, but that’s just never going to happen. I do try my best to create a good product but at the end of the day, I’m just over here writing in my free time to enjoy myself. If other people like it, that’s the greatest compliment to me, but if they don’t, all I can say is that I’m sorry and I tried.

It was a conscious choice made by JynZ for this to blow up and at this point, I’m fine playing the game for the sake of the game. So that you’re aware, I am posting a smutty follow up to my fic in response to her publicity stunt. It shall be tagged appropriately. Reader shall be vague but I understand now that the setting itself is not something that everyone can stomach. I am sorry for any hurt or offense caused to you or to any other reader and I am sorry for stress caused to any bystanders of this cluster fuck. There has been a lot of fallout and emotional upheaval from a situation that could have been rectified privately, served as a learning experience for me, and any similar recurrence prevented in the future.

I do try very hard in my writing to make readers inclusive regarding physical traits, and if anyone catches exclusive language regarding physicality, please point that out to me civilly and I’ll edit it out. It is unintentional and I think that I’m pretty solid on that front. The only exception to this which I’ve said before is that I do and shall continue to write my male characters as BIG, which means they can pick you up etc. And I maintain that any of these guys can pick you up like nothing, regardless of your size!

I am not sure if you’ve read any of my other stories or if you’ve found me today after all the drama, but I am truly sorry if this has affected you emotionally or caused you hurt or distress. You should never be in a position of feeling excluded. This is supposed to be a fun place for everyone to come together and bond by thirsting over characters! If I have impacted that experience for you, I am deeply sorry. Please don’t let me, my bullshit stories, anything else on my blog, or anyone else here for that matter get to you or lessen your experience here. Don’t let me or anyone else bring you down. I’m just a weirdo on the internet anyway trying to write weird ass stories.

#SafariGate

[faerielleart]

Hi faerielle! I hope you're doing fine <3

36: Define Art. (and if you wanna indulge me, what do you think of your own art, what is it to you, and why do you keep making it?)

hello dear, i’m going great! hope you’re doing well too <3

Define Art

this is SO hard to answer because art is such a broad spectrum of things it’s almost impossible for me to give a decent definition of it? i consider art anything that’s produced by someone, be it something as little as gluing together random pieces of paper to something as big as the paintings i have to study for uni to a little random tune hummed by someone who came up with it on the spot distractedly while walking somewhere to a big orchestra playing those huge triumphal marches and?? tbh i define art anything that’s meant to make others feel something or to make the person who made the thing feel something in a completely self indulgent way

What do you think of your own art? What is it to you? Why do you keep making it?

oh boy LOL it honestly depends, i have such deeply rooted self confidence issues that most times i immediately start hating what i make as soon as i post it for everyone to see, i’m working on it but i feel like i have an awfully long way to go and i really wish i could be happier with what i make because i spend so much time on everything and do my best and i feel so sad that i inevitably begin to dislike it and point out flaws if i look at it too much ;w; there are some artworks i’m particularly proud of, like the jian birds one because it helped me cope with hanji’s death and it’s probably the one i’m less prone to harshly judge because i’m so attached to it, but in general? i’m super super hard with myself and i’m working on stopping bc it’s honestly so stressful lmao whenever i finish something i just post it IMMEDIATELY otherwise i won’t ever post it ///fuck this sounds so embarrassing i’m actually sorry-

AND it’s also so confusing to me because art is like . My Thing™️ it’s the one thing i’ve been consistently doing as soon as i learned how to hold a pencil it’s literally everything to me and it’s what i love the most but it’s also what stresses me out the most?? idk if i’m making sense 😭 however i keep making it bc i feel GOOD like i genuinely feel so good while drawing i’m so happy and at peace and i’m never stressed or frustrated not even when i have to draw a hand for the hundredth time bc it looks weird from a certain angle, the process is the best thing in the world, i genuinely feel amazing and content with myself and it’s also so calming and soothing? like picking colors, brushes, ✨blending✨ and of course my fav thing in the world ✨lighting✨ and ALL the ✨specks of dust✨ i keep putting everywhere i’d find a way to put them even underwater, and one thing i love about my art is that it’s completely self indulgent,,,, like catch me drawing obscure levihan comics with inside jokes i have with my family that literally no one else would understand just bc it makes my brain go [aggressive sound of drums and trumpets] so in a nutshell PROCESS + INTENTIONS + PURPOSE + EMOTIONS = awesome love it my favorite thing in the world nothing makes me feel better, 5 minutes after i’ve finished = bad i hate it why did i ever do this and why did i ever post it

but honestly! it’s SO worth it! like feeling good while doing something i like is so !! amazing !! i don’t care that i’m not confident bc i enjoy doing it SO much !! i feel like that’s a good attitude to have, depression caused me not to draw a single thing for almost 5 years and i’m reclaiming all the time i wasted not doing my comfort thing and i will keep doing it

also a huge reason is also all the completely unexpected love i’ve received ever since i opened this blog which is a big big part of my motivation and it makes my day and it’s really one of the things that makes me happy the most too i love y’all so much [big smooch]

SORRY FOR RAMBLING OMG