#and these days in college i am not quite the achiever anymore

[beelzzzebub]

my writing class is having a bracket where we pick quotations from papers to use in our essays and vote on them to see who had the best quote. what if i didn't. what if i cried instead.

#i am being so fr when i tell you that i am too competitive for this #i know that it's ridiculous but i will genuinely feel bad about myself if i don't do well in silly shit like this #does it make sense? no #but i've spent my whole life basing my entire sense of worth and concept of self around academic achievement #and these days in college i am not quite the achiever anymore #ohoho i am in fact doing so poorly #but it's still ingrained in me to feel i need to be the best in every classroom and every situation #so competitions and shit just make me dread school now that i know i can't and won't be that #aaaaanyway #burnt out two months into college hours ✌️ #lmao #boink

[up-in-flames-writing]

I feel like we never talk about how hard it is to be a trans immigrant. We never talk about how escaping from a country that persecutes you does not free you from suffering & bigotry.

I may not be able to attend my own graduation ceremony. I worked so hard these past three years to achieve something, to be the first person in my immediate family to finish uni, get a degree, & then be able to actually do something with it, to pick my own life course & not stray from it. I reinvented myself during these last three years so much, from the shy, dysphoric kid with no friends to a man who maybe isn't doing the best in life, but who has a hope for the future. I worked hard to present myself in the best way I could, & yet I won't be able to see the fruits of my labours.

And, sure, the reason is real silly. I can't legally change my name, so the name on the degree will be my dead one, & the Vice Chancellor will read out the corpse of my old self in front of all my teachers & peers, everyone who knew me as Booker, & Booker alone. And they will expect to see a young lady in a dress climb the stage, only to be met with a boy who isn't quite a man yet, who is still forced to live under a girl's name.

And why? Why! Because I am an immigrant who feared for my young life when Brexit was happening, who has been teased & bullied for being an ESL student, who never quite belonged. Because I am an immigrant transman who could be imprisoned in my country of birth for the crime of wanting to reinvent myself, who has to walk on eggshells around the man who reared me because he grew up Polish & catholic & who knows how he would react if I told him I was his grandson & not his granddaughter. I am an immigrant who has to hide behind their parents because who knows how my extended family will react to me, who is still not allowed to tell his cousin, his little sister whom he adores, his real name despite the fact I was her age when I started questioning my own gender & I somehow wasn't too young to be in pain!

I am an immigrant who cannot safely return home, but the country that took me in isn't quite the safe haven either. Because I need a passport to prove that my name has changed, but a passport cannot be issued to me under a name my birth country does not approve of. Because to change myself fully, I need to become a citizen to a country that abandoned my homeland after the war & looked away when it was being subjugated during it. Because I need to know how many of the swans in London belong to the Crown for the state to consider me a citizen of this dying empire, despite the fact I've lived here for so long, I can't remember what my childhood home back in Poland even looked like! I cannot truly remember what my room in that flat in a small, backwater Polish town looked like anymore, except for the bed that we now have in our guest bedroom, & the bookshelf that cradles all of my books on transness & queerness & feminism.

Because I am an immigrant from a country who hates me, I am forced to live in a country that hardly tolerates me, & to live as my true self I have to subjugate myself for the sake of an old empire that lost its touch. I have to submit myself to a personal sort of colonisation, to be able to walk onto that stage at graduation with my real name on the degree. But I can't do that, because I don't have the money, because I spent the last three years breaking my back proving to people that the little girl with behavioural problems who was always bullied, was able to become something greater than the sum of her parts. Because I now don't have the time or the patience to tell you exactly when the Union Jack was created, or at what hour of the day is tea time, & I don't have the time to wait for a passport to be sent to me, only for me to return it to sender with a plea of changing my name upon it.

Because my transmacs friends in college had their names changed at sixteen, while I'm already done with my undergrad & still have to contend with the question of what citizenship I would rather have. Because I will sooner be on hormones & growing a beard than I will be able to change my name.

And in all this I find it so ironic that I was named after an angel, & like everything else in my life, I reject the goodness & the easy way out, I reject the things that once made me, me, to become my own god & rebuild myself out of the scraps left behind by a life of turmoil.

And still I am just some immigrant bitch stealing jobs from good, hardworking Britons, & I'm still just a transsexual fag taking women's rights away, & I'm still just some freak of nature manipulating the kids into sin & immorality. And no matter where I go, where I turn to, I don't feel all that angelic at all.

#booker speaks #booker writes #transgender #transmasc #transandrophobia #transphobia #immigrants #xenophobia

[owlsbride]

MODEL, DRAW ME, LOVE ME.

KAKASHI X FEM READER, KAKASHI X YOU.

SUMMARY: Your day has been terrible as well as the last year of your life, you don’t have money and you are in really need of it, because you need to pay the rent. Is that or coming back to your parents house. But not everything is that terrible in your life, you count with your extremely handsome and likeble roommate Hatake Kakashi, who is always there to give you a hand or two.

Aun, Modern Days.

Minors don’t interact.

My first fic Kakashi x reader/you. Be nice! Share and let me know what you think.

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MODEL, DRAW ME, LOVE ME.

Your day had been terrible. Actually, it was not only the day but the week, the month and if you had to be very strict about it, even your year would be said it had been terrible. Since you decided to move from your parent's house to be closer to your college facilities, everything turned out to be more complicated than you had expected.

Of course, there were going to be changes, you would not be daddy's girl anymore, and now you would have to find a place to live, a job to pay the rent and food. It was the price of independence and adulthood; there wasn't much to do about it, but you never thought it would be that hard. You should have listened to your not-so-dear old uncle and gone to law school. Instead, you chose your vocation and went to the art school to become a dancer. So far, your achievements have been near zero. Yeah, you could blame that idiot tv show Fame and his dammed slogan 'fame cost,' but you never thought that this much. Anyway, the only one to blame was you.

So that day, after your lessons, your lame work, and the text on your phone letting you know that the rent was going to be more expensive the next month, your world started to break down as well as your brain, at the point of considering to come back to your parent's house, a hideous and shameful idea. Because you were not a loser or a quieter, and not everything was so wrong with your situation.

As soon as you entered your home, you saw him sitting on the couch with the tv on but not watching it. As usual, he was sketching something in his sketchbook, and scattered papers were all over the place. His messy silver hair and comfortable clothes told you he had never left his spot since that morning, and he probably had been sitting there for hours now.

"Yo! Did you receive the text from the landlord?" He asked you without turning to look at you. He already knew you were there.

"Yes, Kakashi, I did." You answered in defeat, plopping on the couch next to him.

Hatake Kakashi, your roommate for the last year, you had found him almost by chance. He was also studying at the art school, but he was near to becoming an artist and was very good at it. He was a bit mysterious, not much of a speaker but an excellent listener, easygoing and quite aloof at times. He was tall and well fitted, but somehow he always managed to keep a slouched posture, as if the rest of the world didn't matter much to him. You didn't know much about his past, but you didn't care. He was tidy, respectful, a good payer, and knew how to share, and the truth was that you had become close friends. Oh yes! And you had a massive crush on him, so much that only watching him made you hurt.

"Did you answer him?" He asked you, leaving the charcoal on the table and brushing the dust from his fingers.

"Of course not! What am I going to tell him? I don't know, it's so frustrating! I think I'll have to go back home with my parents," you said with a pout. The idea of returning there and leaving the city and Kakashi was disgusting, "You can search for another roommate."

"I don't need another roommate," Kakashi said, picking up the charcoal again and returning to his sketches. "Besides, I told you not to worry about the rent." He sentenced, not looking directly at you.

"What are you suggesting then?" You asked angrily, sitting straight next to him, now facing his impassive look with part of his eyes covered by some unruly strands of silver hair, with his eyelashes almost closed in a simple gesture of concentration. He was so perfect.

"I'm just saying that you don't have to worry, I can pay for both of us, until you get more stable in the city."

"Oh no, no, no... That's not gonna happen, Kakashi, that sounds like something my father could say." You answered, crossing your arms stubbornly.

"Maa~. I'm not your father, but as you wish."

"Yeah... let's better keep our counts clear." You said picking up the remote to start changing the channels dramatically.

The silence took over the place, and the only noise perceptible in the room was the charcoal against the papers and your sad sighs. After not finding anything on TV, you decided to turn it off and do some thinking. It was Friday night, and the only thing in your head was that most of your life sucked. When you decided to become a dancer, you thought it would be challenging, but you would enjoy it. You would find a good job and a beautiful apartment to share with a fellow dancer, and you would become close friends to go out on weekends. Instead, you ended up attending more classes than your body could physically support. Working in a bar where you were not even the waitress and leaving with a soon-to-be very talented artist, a bohemian unaware that most of the world around him exists, the man of your life, with the only problem he didn't know it. So yes, there you were, sighing and sighing.

"Could you just stop doing that? Please?" Kakashi asked nicely but coldly.

"Doing what?"

"You know... all those noises, you are not 'La Llorona'" He was mocking you now.

"Hey! Don't be rude... I wasn't doing anything."

"If you say so, but please stop creating problems where there are not," He was looking so sympathetic at you that you felt like melting there. "It's Friday night, don't you have any plan?"

"No... and if I did, I don't have the money nor the mood to go out." No matter what he said to you, you couldn't bear your current situation. "What about you? Don't you have plans?

"Nope... I never have plans on Fridays." Kakashi simply stated.

"Nor Saturdays" You spoke without thinking.

"Are you controlling my schedule?" He said, leaving what he was doing and going to the kitchen to grab a water bottle.

"Nooo... but you are always here." you said almost to yourself.

"Maybe it is because I like it here. There are many beautiful things." Kakashi answered you with a wink, and you couldn't avoid the redness on your face, he smiled, and you died a little with that smile. "You know... I was thinking..." He started talking again after drinking directly from the bottle, a gesture you found more erotic than any porn movie. "If you are so persistent in wanting to pay half everything and you need the money, you could look for an extra job."

"An extra job? Do you think I have time or rest to look for an extra job, Kakashi? You said, approaching him.

"Yes, a job that is kind of related to your profession and it doesn't require much effort and they pay well." So, Kakashi already had an idea, you thought.

"I'm listening..."

"You can work as a live model at the school."

"Oh! It sounds interesting." You answered thoughtfully. "And how do I apply?"

"Well, I can talk with some of the teachers there, and I'm quite sure you will have the work." He said, standing next to you, towering over you.

"Wait..." You suddenly said in realization, "In those lessons, the model isn't naked, right?" You were not going to pose naked.

"Almost all the time, yes. Why?" Kakashi asked as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Then no, I wont, I wont pose naked... No way"

"What? Why?" What's wrong with modelling? You are not telling me that you think that the leotards you wear are not that revealing?"

"What do you mean? They are perfectly fine and descent and you are a perv, just like your colleagues for sure." You were angry, but at the same time, you blushed. He had noticed your leotards.

"You know what, Anna Pavlova? I was just trying to help you. I'm so so sorry." He said, lifting his hands in defeat. "They wouldn't hire you anyway; you are too fit." Now he had that insufferable closed-eyed smile.

"What do you mean, Leonardo?" If he was going to use famous names just to be ironic, you would too.

"What you heard. You are too fit, and you don't have any interesting curve to draw." He finished looking at you from head to toe. He was so close, and you felt so small.

"You are... You are... You... I'm going to have a shower." You didn't have anything else to tell him, so you ran away to hide in the bathroom and have a long shower. You heard him laugh, as always, and you just sighed loudly again.

The long shower really had been a long shower. You stayed under the hot water for a long time, not doing anything but thinking about your life and the recent 'discussion' you just had with Kakashi. It was the first one in a year, and maybe he was trying to help, but you didn't know why you found the offer a bit offensive. You would be offered to a class like an animal for sacrifice to a bunch of students who only wanted to explore your anatomy. You wouldn't be different from an apple, an orange or a bottle; still, it felt weird. Truth be told, dancing in front of people wasn't that different. You would be in a scenario playing the part for others to enjoy or suffer with you. The swan death, Giselle, Carmen, what was the difference? When thinking about it, dancing was a minor sacrifice each day: during class, during exams, and during a performance.

And now, in front of the mirror and with other sensations about modelling, another thing was bothering you. It was true that you would have to fight the shame of being naked, but you were a performer after all; it was just another role. The problem was, 'you are to fit.'

Yes, the ballet had changed your body, and you weren't that curvy anymore, but Kakashi's comment was offensive and sexist, so for once, you were going to prove him wrong.

He wasn't in the living room, so you went straight to his room. You needed to talk to him about your resolutions and his thoughts. You find him lying in his bed watching tv, only dressed in his sweatpants, and you thought you would die there.

"Can we talk?" You began, and when he didn't answer or turn to look at you, you stood between him and the television. "I asked you if we can talk?"

"What do you want now? Don't forget I'm a perv, be carful." He said smugly.

"Oh, so you are hurt for my comment, I'm sorry", you apologized ", I didn't intent to be that rude."

"Maa~ It's ok." Kakashi said, dismissing you with his hand.

"You've been rude too. Your comment about my body was offensive, sexist, misogynist..."

"And a joke." He interrupted, "I think your body is perfect." Kakashi said, blushing.

"Really?" Butterflies exploded in your stomach.

"Yep, otherwise I wouldn't have offered you the job, no matter how much I would envy all those newbies." Kakashi answered, avoiding your gaze and trying to focus on the tv.

"About the ofer..." You began avoiding the last part of the sentence because it was too much to register, and you wouldn't want to believe much in anything that could give you hope about this man, "If I say yes, would you teach me how to be a model?"

Kakashi made silence for a moment, and after a long sigh, he spoke again.

"Yes, I guess I can."

"Then teach me." You said impatiently, doing a ballet pose, and you saw him smile.

"Now?" He said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Yes, now." You pushed, trying to keep your balance. "Come on." You said, taking him by his arm to the living room.

After a few moments of looking around, Kakashi finally took out all the things on the coffee table and gently asked you to sit there.

Once seated there, Kakashi approached you and rested his fingers on the edge of your robe,

"Can I?" He asked, and you just nodded your head. Having Kakashi close, barely touching your shoulders with his fingertips, sent electricity through your entire body.

"Now, raise your head and lift your chin, just like that."

Kakashi took a distance to observe you and approached again, "Turn your back and relax your shoulders. Don't stop looking at me. Bring your knees to your chest, and that's it."

"That's it?" You asked, so simple? It couldn't be that simple. He only had removed your robe.

"Yes, pretty much." Kakashi said nervously, picking up the scattered things on the floor.

"Teach me more, please." You pleaded. You were not interested in modelling anymore; you just wanted him close to you, touching you. And when he suddenly turned to see you, you saw a predator in the room. Kakashi was like a cat, and you were his prey.

"Are you sure of what you are asking?"

"Absolutely."

He went to you. He gently caressed your face and looked deep into your eyes, and when he saw no doubt, one hand rested on your small back and the other on your chest, his smile spread as he felt your heartbeat racing but that he didn't care. He gently pushed you back to the table and laid you down. He began by arranging your hair. He ran his hands along the length of your arms, sides, thighs and legs. It was the touch of a feather, and all the senses in your being lit up like never before. With the devotion of an artist in front of his muse, he began to take off your shorts and panties all in one movement. Instinctively, the shame took over your body for a moment, and you unconsciously closed your legs to cover your exposed sex. Kakashi chuckled and gently moved your legs to the side in an elegant, delicate, subtle way. Kakashi continued with the upper part of your body. With expert hands, he removed your shirt and now your entire body was exposed to him. He caressed and accommodated your arms, one above your head and the other below your breasts. The posture was perfect, and now you were his creation.

You stood there unable to move, your body burning, the sweet pain between your legs begging for relief, making it hard to think, you were so wet, and he didn't even properly touch you that way.

"Now what, Kakashi?" You asked in a voice that didn't sound like yours.

"What else do you want? You learnt two different postures now." He was acting smug, but you could see the lust in his eyes. "Do you want me to draw you? Paint you?" He spoke now from his spot on the couch.

"I..." you began unconsciously, taking your hand to your wet sex, "I want you to touch me."

"Really?" He asked, leaning now next to you, touching your hand, pushing you harder, slowly inside you. You moaned at his gesture and nodded with your head. "Fuck it." you heard him say, and you smiled. Suddenly Kakashi was already kneeling by your side and had replaced your hand with his. Inside you, two of his fingers were already playing dangerously close to your limits while you couldn't help but move your whole body in pure ecstasy. Kakashi began to kiss your stomach, leaving traces of his warm lips on every part of your torso until he reached your breasts. He took one in his hands and gently caressed it until tiredness. He took the nipple hardened by excitement and groaned at your reaction. Kakashi took your other breast in his mouth, and with his tongue, he did wonders.

Still jerking you off with his fingers, Kakashi took all the time in the world to stimulate you to make you beg. Still, you resisted.

In one movement, Kakashi sat you on his legs on the ground and your back on his bare chest. The new position made Kakashi's fingers reach places physically unthinkable for you.

You could feel his erection in the small of your back, and instinctively you began to move your hips, rocking back and forth. Kakashi pulled his fingers out of you, and now in his hands, your two breasts were caressed to the point of making you come just with that simple touch and the kisses he gave you. Kisses on your back, on your neck, on your mouth, everywhere. You were so painfully close. The overstimulation was the sweetest torture you've known so far, but you could barely stand it anymore. Instead, Kakashi was calm and totally in control. You thought you would die when he returned to your sticky, wet pussy and pressed your clit with his thumb.

"Ka...kashi...Please," you begged. And he obeyed. As fast as before, he lifted you up and took you to his room, and you both ended up on the bed. He was on top of you, and he would dominate this.

"I always wanted to do this", Kakashi said, looking seriously at you. "I'm going to fuck you now, so is this what you want?"

"I always wanted it too," you manage to say, but before finishing, he was already entering you with his hard cock well erected, and you could only scream his name.

It was rough sex, good sex, and incredible, amazing, animalistic sex. Kakashi was astonishing good, and he was so generous in his ministrations. You couldn't believe what this man was making you feel in every thrust, kiss, and touch. You were so close. With each thrust, you could see one more star in the sky, you needed to come with the force of a hurricane, and Kakashi knew it. Their movements became stronger, more aggressive, yet so exquisite that they knew every place to reach.

The two of you came together. The world succumbed under your bodies, and exhaustion took hold of both of you. Kakashi collapsed on top of you, and you hugged him as tight as you could.

"Why didn't we do this before?" you asked in a whisper in his ear.

"Because you're good at paying half the bills and I didn't want to screw it up."

"Now we can do it more often because I don't have to pay for them anyway."

"Will you accept my help?"

"Oh no... now I know how to model."

"Do not even think about it."

And just like that, Kakashi was already kissing you again, skillfully looking for your crotch for the second time in one night.

#fandom #fanfiction #love #fan #follow 👑 share ❤️ enjoy 🍑 #share #review #kakashi hatake #kakashi fanfiction #naruto verse #literature #kakashi fanart #kakashi x you #kakashi x reader #kakashi smut #modern days #naruto fanfiction #supportwriters #rebblog #comment #kakashi x oc #kakashi #roomates

[byrachshop]

Presenting ByRach — Blog & Shop

Hello hello, Rach here!

I am Raquel, in Portuguese, the creator behind ByRach, previously known as NotionByRach. I am a 19-year-old college student, and I love to watch videos about productivity.

Since a few years ago, I think in 2019, right when the pandemic started, I wanted to open a small business; something like a digital shop. I brainstormed some ideas, and everything was always about either creative writing or student tools. However, life got in the way and I ended up not starting anything then.

Later on, I started learning more about Notion, and discovered a world of possibilities! And well, once I felt familiar with the software, I decided it was time to try to build a set up and see what other people think about it.

I also manage another account, Souls Collide, and it has been quite successful (for my goals, of course). I posted tools and resources for writers there, and later on had to open a Gumroad shop (first called NotionByRach) to host a Notion template. It was targeted at writers and people who wanted a place to manage their ideas and stories. The community seemed to love it! I gave it as a freebie, of course, and I knew it was a long journey until I could sell templates. So I did more, and more!

For about 9 months, I kept creating printables, templates, and other resources and built a small community on Gumroad- about 3,000 people who loved my freebies. This was a huge motivation for me to keep going and working on my shop!

Then, the right moment for a rebrand approached: I started listing products on Etsy, and knew I should elevate it. For me, NotionByRach didn’t make sense anymore, since I knew I would be selling other products and not just Notion templates. I kept ByRach, and changed the color palette to look more like me.

My mission is to help other students, whether they’re in high school or college! I still want to keep some products for free and send them through my newsletter, because I believe everyone should have access to these useful resources. I plan to write posts here on this blog frequently, give you tips, and show you some tools and other resources.

I don’t want to be seen as a brand or a shop, but as me, Rach! My inbox is open, if you want to pass by and say hi, or share your achievements (I will definitely cheer with you!)

So, welcome to this new phase of NotionByRach, now ByRach! I hope you stick around, and spread the word.

Have a nice day, Rach <3

~~~

Instagram | Etsy Shop | Gumroad

#being productive #productivity aesthetic #productivity #productivitytips #stay productive #productivitytools #notion productivity #notion template #gumroad #shop small #small shop #small brand #small business #study motivation #study aesthetic #studyblr #studyinspo #study blog #student #college #back to school #school #uni life #university #uni student #resources #etsyseller #etsyshop #etsyfinds #etsysmallbusiness

[problematicfanfics]

// rant

tldr; dad’s a pos and i wasted my time on shit no one cared about

softball was my absolute life from kindergarten up until two years ago (tenth grade) and my dad never gave a shit about me in the sport until he could extort it to gain some slight political power in my new area but he has literally paid over $1,000 for my sister to play the sport on various teams, gotten her various lessons, and spent it on equipment meanwhile i used to have to cry and scream in order for him to even think about driving me to a practice as a kid. i used to have to walk upwards of an hour+ with my catchers gear, gloves, balls, bat, etc (that i paid for all on my own) to get to my practices, or beg my teammates parents for rides to games. he nor my mom have once showed up to anything i played in (i played various sports and did many clubs throughout my school career), and i would always ask him to come throw a ball around with me or teach me to ride a bike or spend literally any time w me and he always refused. now this month long trip in greece he brought his and my sister’s glove to play softball. and didn’t bring mine. or tell me to bring mine. or like. anything. and i told my sister “go play with dad, he brought your gloves” and she said “well i didn’t fuckin ask him to”. bitch. i wouldve fucking KILLED for my dad to do that. i would STILL kill for my dad to do that. i WISH he would just come up to me and say “let’s go to the field” the way he does with her. it’s not fucking fair bro like. please i’m a star 😊😊😊🤣🤣🤣🤪🤪🤪🤩🤩🤩

i quit softball this year because i was ruining my mental health with it. i was absolutely demolishing myself for a sport no one gave a shit i played in. i spent my entire childhood playing so many sports and always dropped them for softball/baseball, it was always my priority. always my number 1. i had fucking dreams of playing D1 for colleges ever since i was a kid. but my cheapskate of a fucking father couldn’t be bothered to help me achieve anything. i’m so mad. i could’ve been doing something else with my fucking life. i literally spent 12 years busting my ass on this damn sport. and no one, not once, thought that with my drive and passion and dare i even say talent, i could do more. i had no options as a kid. and watching my sister, who was handed everything i wanted and more on a silver platter, throw all of it into the trash chute because she wants to be some basic white bitch, makes me wanna fucking rip my hair out. why don’t I get to be a basic white bitch? why don’t I get to play D1? why don’t I get to run around and do fuck all the way she got to? why did I have to play mom for 12 years of my life, never getting to pursue or do anything i wanted to do??

can i also say i suffer from fibromyalgia, a chronic pain disorder, and it’s something i was born with. so since i was 9 years old i’ve been screaming crying in pain every night and day desperately fighting through it because i just loved sports that much?? i quit catching because it was deteriorating my knees and there would be days after games where i couldn’t walk. my coaches played me less after i quit catching because they were mad at me for quitting since i was “the best catcher on the team” and decided to dig back at me like it was my choice?? like my physical and mental health wasn’t on the line? like it pains me to think i cant do physical activity anymore i love it so much but i walk to and from my classrooms and i want to break down from the pain. i’m so tired. i just want to be passionate about something again but every time i am i am just fucking hated on idk what i’m doing wrong

#problematicfanfics #ver's serious discussions

[wintersoldierbmb]

thursday june 6 i feel like a useless person.

im not depressed and haven’t been for like a year now but i can feel it creeping back in. family drama somehow found a way to me and without saying too much i don’t know who to trust anymore. people really don’t care about me as much as they lie and say they do.

on another note I’m just not motivated to do anything anymore. i wish i could just die. i don’t want to be useless. even though i am in college and stuff i still feel like my life is going to go nowhere and i’ll just be another person existing, taking up everyone else’s oxygen for no reason. i don’t deserve to live if i can’t be useful. i feel like i am incapable of doing the simplest of tasks and that makes me feel like i have no future. i wish someone would get rid of me so i don’t have to kill myself. i wish i didn’t have ADHD. i wish my mind wasn’t on a trillion things at once all the time. i wish i was easy for people to understand. i wish the smallest ripples in how i feel in a moment didn’t have the potential to make my whole day crash and burn. i really wish i was rich, and if not rich then at least normal so that i could be a functioning member of society and be able to get a job or something. i wish i had my own house but i will probably never get one because i can’t save money for the life of me. music isn’t working even though I’ve been consistently doing that since i was born (literally) so there’s another goal in the trash. i have been wasting my time with everything i try to pursue. i should just die.

i’m 19 years old and the only asset i have is the fact that i’m in college. i passed my summer one classes (i think) and i can’t even celebrate it. i can’t bring myself to be happy about that achievement. all i can do is thank God and move on. internally i’m not happy or proud of myself. even now i want to drop out. i am my biggest enemy. i’m not capable of doing things everyone else has learned to do when they were 15, 16, 17 in high school. i don’t think i have an interesting future or even a good one at all. i will die with regrets on how i lived my life. if i grow old, it will be into a life of regret of how lame i was as a youth, and how i didn’t choose to do what everyone else did. my perception on life is very skewed, but i don’t even know how to look at life anymore. i spent so much time being high and under the influence in the past few years that it was the only reality i could function in. now i’m trying to be sober again and not depend on weed to make me a normal person and the only thing it is doing is making me feel like shit inside. my self worth is only high on one day out of the week (probably because i was high that day) and for the rest of the week i feel worthless. if i killed myself i wouldn’t hurt a lot of people except for MAYBE my mom and i don’t want to do that to her.

i feel like something is wrong with me or that i am mentally retarded. everyone else seems to have the necessary brainpower to do everything they need to in life, but here i am being slow in mine. i try every day to improve my work ethic and attitude about living, but my insecurities overwhelm me. all i can think about is how dumb i feel. i feel like a stupid person. i am not intelligent or as intelligent as people make me out to be. if i was in any situation worse than i have been in in my life i probably wouldn’t make it. i thank God every day for always giving me another chance, but i feel sad because i feel like i’m wasting it. He is too merciful to someone who cannot make anything for himself. music is all i have to offer anymore. nothing about me is special or different enough for me to get recognized for. i don’t even feel like a real person anymore. i feel like i’m nobody. i should die soon and quit wasting everyone’s time, but i’m too scared to do it to myself. drugs are the only thing that “restore” me, but thats how you end up being a fucking junkie. i will never be a junkie. i’m hoping one of these days i overdose or get a bad batch of some weed or tale a strange pill or get spiked and die from it. i don’t want torture or deserve a long painful death as i haven’t done anything to earn that. the only thing that i need to do is die. quickly

[speculist-rinthi]

have 15, 16, 17, and 18 for whoever you’d like! :D @kerra-and-company

I am so sorry that this took so long lmao it is. Hectic here and I haven’t really had the time to sit down and write out my answers to this (and the other ask sitting in my inbox for the past few days rip) until now so! time to do that! under the cut because this is a lot of text

15. What would they be doing if they weren't the commander/whatever they are?

Going with the ones who get most involved with the Pact – Egg, Muni, and my commander Calydowan – for this! Egg is fairly easy to answer this for, since he was fairly established before joining the Pact – he travelled around the Shiverpeaks where he was needed as a mercenary and general helper, and if he’d never joined the Vigil then that’s what he’d still be doing now. probably with the Elder Dragons around he’d have involved himself at some point, if not as early as he did (and that’s still like. 2-3 years in)

Muni is a little tricker. He works with Rinthi, then I think once that relationship ends he ends up sorta orbiting Dragon’s Watch – if he didn’t know them then he’d be doing whatever else seems likely to make him more famous and liked than his brother. Related to technology, I think – he might try and get into one of the asuran colleges, or just go to Lion’s Arch and get stuck in there.

Calydowan, as a sylvari commander whose early life basically aligns with the personal story stuff, is… difficult to find an answer for, given she literally doesn’t have a life outside of the Pact and the Elder Dragons. arguably she wouldn’t even exist, at least not in the same way. my best guess would be something like an actor or a singer; Caly is at heart an attention-seeker who wants to be famous in a positive way, ideally one who still improves people’s lives even if it’s not quite so high-stakes as leading an army.

16. What's their greatest fear (be it one of the three from the personal story or something else entirely)?

Calydowan: oh absolutely Mordremoth and falling under his control. the entire situation was pretty devastating for Caly and for sylvari as a species – since Maguuma, I think Caly has a lot of nightmares about being puppetted into killing her friends and/or innocent people.

Egg: losing all of his loved ones again the way he did before – his entire family was killed at once in a dragon-related incident, and after several years he’s managed to pick himself back up, but his biggest fear is it happening all over again. this is the main reason he’s slow to get close to people in that way. though he has a lot to do with Dragon’s Watch, he considers them good friends and colleagues much moreso than he would say they’re his family. he hasn’t really become close enough to anyone to call them his family since the loss of his first one.

Rinthi: I think just. failing to achieve her goals or to really just enjoy life. she wants to have a good time! And later on down the line wants to do good things too. as she grows as a person I think she would gain a fear of like. it not being worth it. hurting more people than she helps and causing suffering, either others’ or her own, and it not meaning anything in the end.

Muni: kind of similar to Rinthi, dying without achieving anything of note. though Muni would want to be known for whatever he achieved – he wants to be remembered, and specifically be remembered more than his brother is. Basically a failure to earn a good legacy

Orion: not finding out where his sisters are, or tracking down his sisters only to find that they’re already dead and he left his warband for a family who isn’t even here anymore. He’s staked pretty much everything he had on being able to reunite with his sisters. slightly oddly, he’s not as afraid that they’ll reject him – even if they don’t like him, they would still exist as people and he could have the hope of turning their relationship around, or at least he would be able to get a sense of closure from it. he hopes, anyway.

17. People with Commander ocs, is there any part of the main story where your oc's story diverges? Everyone else, is there a part of your oc's story that follows the canon one?

My ocs are sort of dancing in and out of the canon story. Calydowan picks up most of the dragon-related things, but LWS1 is carried mostly by Egg, Rinthi, Muni, and some as-yet not actually made in-game characters, at which point Caly is doing Pact-related things with Trahearne. Egg sticks around for whatever LWS2 holds (currently a mystery to me) and is actually probably the one to form a bond with Dragon’s Watch, Caly only truly befriending Egg + co. during HoT where she’s basically reliant on their support due to the Pact and her own support being. Essentially devastated.

Current plans for PoF are that Rinthi pops back up again and is there when Egg and [other redacted unmade OC] get involved with the Balthazar stuff – I think at this point Caly goes to the front line to try and keep Balth and Kralk apart while Egg stays back in Amnoon longer to support the local rescue efforts, but I’ve only played the prologue so far so that I could unlock the invisible chair and also. again. Have not played the preceding living world season. So that’s still in the spitballing zone!

18. Which antagonist did they have the biggest vendetta against (doesn't have to be canon)?

Calydowan: Mordremoth 100%. Fuck you grandad. Obviously I already said most of what’s to be said here but Caly is both scared of and HATES Mordremoth, she hates how powerless it all made her feel and hates how even killing him wasn’t entirely satisfying because that couldn’t undo the effects he’d had on the sylvari and also well. You know.

Egg: Jormag. again have NOT played icebrood saga so I can’t go into specifics, but even disregarding that, the Sons of Svanir, the general problems Jormag causes across the Shiverpeaks, and Egg’s family dying because of [undecided dragon-related incident here] has made it feel very personal for him.

Muni: not precisely a vendetta but Muni’s brother gets kidnapped by Scarlet Briar and while Muni’s not exactly personally torn up about it, he does go after her side in order to rescue him. For complicated reasons.

#orion shadowheart #calydowan #muni grimgrave #speculist rinthi #egg varserk #gw centric asks #SORRY again lol. uni work. it's a lot. #thank you so much for the questions! these were really fun

[embrace-life1973]

If you have heard of anything like this, know what it's called, have experienced anything like this, or know of any solutions, please reply.

I don't even care if you have solutions, just knowing that I am not the only one who deals with this would be amazing.

I have very severe adhd, narcolepsy, and complex trauma. I know all 3 of these things work together to worsen each other. I am very medicated for the adhd and narcolepsy (same type of meds for both, I'm on the maximum available dose of 2 seperate stimulants and they only work until around 4pm if I'm lucky for the adhd, and 11am for the narcolepsy). I have achieved very significant burnout, and really only learned that willpower for the most part doesn't fix adhd symptoms after I already ran out of all of it. I can't take more medications, and it's not really safe for me to be on as much as I am and it's affecting my heart and my doctors are trying to figure out how to lower doses without causing other problems (During the day, my resting heart rate is usually between 100 and 120 bpm, some days with resting heart rate as high as 140 bpm, plus I have pre-POTS syndrome that is being encouraged by the high dose of meds to begin developing into full POTS).

For the most part, things I enjoy doing I can fairly easily get done and focus on without any issues, which is common for adhd.

I am a college student, and I am really struggling to get my brain to do assignments as what I've been told is a combo of adhd and narcolepsy symptoms will cause me to get completely stuck in distractions for several hours (I will recognize that I am distracted, but I can't seem to make my body and brain quit, with any attempts leading to full body muscle locking up). If I'm not stuck in a distraction I will get stuck trying to get my brain to do schoolwork, or really any productive thing, and my brain and body just won't and I will end up in a stare off between me and the work I'm trying to do, unable to move or switch to trying to do anything else because the second I try all my muscles will lock up and I physically won't be able to move. The record length for that has been 6 hours straight.

There is nothing I want to do more than to be able to get what I need to do done. I've researched everything I can and asked my doctors what to do, and I haven't found many answers that I haven't already tried to no avail before.

I get incredibly stressed out by the fact I can't move to get work done, which makes the problem worse and increases the locking-up. I am on anxiety meds to try and help to no avail, they just help with anxiety during all the other times of day. It's also very hard to explain to other people and get them to believe me, especially when it comes to most doctors and therapists and school admin and professors. This is made worse by the fact that I am academically extremely intelligent and usually can complete assignments in the few hours my brain is willing to work and have a 4.0 GPA.

My family and friends have tried to help as much as possible and have been as understanding as they can be given none of us have ever heard of something like this. When possible they will try to be in the room with me when I try to do work as that seems to help some, and I've tried to go to public places like coffee shops to help myself, but even that is slowly starting to not work anymore. Many things I've tried work for a short time, and then the effects wear off.

My room is in a state of disarray (I live with my parents and commute to college) in spite of my best efforts to keep it clean because I can't bring myself to clean most of the time. It's also hard for me to shower regularly because it is a sensory struggle for my brain, making it all the harder to get it to let me do. (I do have moderate to severe chronic pain, which also plays into some of this, although a lot is inability to bring myself to do things).

I also struggle to remember to consistently take medications outside of my adhd and narcolepsy meds, as I don't have any instant results if I don't take them (or even any result for a few days of forgetting), with the exception for my adhd and narcolepsy meds. I have tried alarms, reminders, notes, tying it to other habits, putting them where you would think I couldn't miss them, and even have had other people message me to try and help me remember.

I don't have depression, I've been tested many times and none of the times have come back saying I do, and even if I did, I can't go on SSRI medications as when I was on a very low dose of them for anxiety for a short time, I actually temporarily became depressed and anxiety actually increased, and later I found out that somehow I ended up with a genetic mutation that neither of my parents have that causes me to not respond well to those medications.

I have tried alarms, reminders, timers, trying to trick my brain into liking what I need to do, rewarding myself for doing what I need to (although I struggle with impulsivity and stopping myself from rewarding myself before I get the reward because that requires willpower), utilizing other people when possible, trying to just do it, and lists. Exercise is one of those things that is very difficult for me given the chronic pain and that my brain won't do that either. I've also tried to do everything I could find on the internet on recovering from burnout with adhd, and even without adhd, but I have run into problems in that those solutions seem to require at least a little bit of willpower, of which I already had completely ran out of before I knew that I was burnt out.

Also, eliminating distractions doesn't work since I can still get stuck in the stare off with my work, and I will quite literally get distracted by a speck on the wall (I have been distracted by that very thing more times than I can count).

The worst part about it is, it often feels like I'm not trying hard enough and I could just will myself to do work, yet when I try, I can't. This is not even taking into consideration how many people (including most doctors and therapists i've tried) have told me things like "Just do it", "you aren't trying hard enough", and "why can't you just get it done so its over with?". There is nothing I want more than to do what I need to get done, and I have spent countless nights crying over that very thing.

If you have heard of anything like this, know what it's called, have experienced anything like this, or know of any solutions, please reply. I don't even care if you have solutions, just knowing that I am not the only one who deals with this would be amazing. I quite literally have no where else to turn to except for a few social media sites in the hopes that someone here knows what I'm dealing with or at least can confirm I'm not alone in this. Doctors and therapists have failed me over and over and over again, no one else knows what I'm talking about, and I've researched everything I know to research.

#please help #please respond #does anyone else experience this #am i alone in this? #what do i do #what is this called #mental health #adhd #neurodivergent #is anyone out there #im desperate #are there answers? #has anyone heard of this? #help

[ray-talks]

9/7/23

i fasted all day and i went for my usual walk (around 20km).

i felt depressed today. i am always the outsider looking in. i went to an event for a writing organization at my college -- it was a tea party. so, of course, i drank some tea (it was 0 cal), but i also felt tempted by the food there. i abstained, obviously, but it gave me a lot of anxiety. it's easy to cave to temptation when you are afraid. but i cannot afford to eat, i have my goal to reach.

i want to achieve my goal now. i have three months, and that is quite a lot of time. weight loss is slow. i feel like i do not have the motivation to last. i want everything to be over already. i'm tired of constantly fighting with my will to live. it is profound how empty i feel. it worsens when i am around others. it makes me want to cry, but i am unable to cry.

i have so much upcoming work. not only is that daunting, it additionally, feels pointless. i have to keep up a façade of normalcy -- do my work, lower my head, do the routine. it is harder when my motivation is so slim, and i know in a few months my life will be cut short or be irrevocably changed. i am lucky that i am so determined over my goal that it fuels me to do things i do not wish to do. but doing anymore than i have to is tiresome.

god, i am so pathetic. if i could just be normal then i wouldn't have to feel this pain. i wouldn't have to live every day like my insides are being turned out. i wish so desperately to be anyone other than myself. i don't know how to stop this relentless suffering.

i simply wish to whoever is reading this, that they have a better day than me.

#ray talks #tw ana diary #mental health diary

[tuthanhle]

Looking back and forward in 2023

It is the first working day of 2023 after the long Lunar New Year holiday. I decide not to immedidately start working, but hold down and look back what I did after a long 5 years.

Here is the letter I wrote for myself in 2017: Looking back and forward in 2017

Now, hello to my 2017, I re-read your letter, and tell you something:

You asked me to take care of my sons and my wife, that's what I have been doing. I learnt many lessons when raising my children, and now I feel welcome to any obstacles along the way, as they are all valuable lessons. I and my wife have found somewhat similarities of what we will do together, letting loose of material things and seeking for the mindfulness.

I am not a billionaire, I haven't achieve a Series A investment. But I found it is not relevant anymore.

Since 2017, I had been 3 times in hospitals for stomach bleeding, my health sometimes got the lowest in my life. I learnt that nothing is more beneficial than a body without sickness. It is not worthy to trade my health with money.

Business partners came and left, I twice worked for companies and all quitted.

I found the last 5 years was more difficult. I found a startup and quitted after 2 years. I made a real estate website which had some success, paving the way to a different career path as an real estate investor. I worked for a real estate investment firm for a year and quitted again.

It was difficult, but I leart many lessons, one is the most important: the richest is having enough. Now I am seeking for inner happiness rather than materialism.

To my future my, in the next 5 years:

Inner hapiness is not what can achieve in one or two years. I hope you stay in the right path and find your mindfulness in the next 5 years. Then you know what is the value of your life, what you are born to do and you will decide to do it.

Your wife should be your companion when seeking for inner happiness.

Your eldest son will now choose to go to college or work, you must prepare him so he knows what to do by then by himself.

Your youngest son is still developing, he has a great sense of feelings, compassions but too much emotions, please help him to stay calm.

Your health can be much better, if you live mindfully, practice regularly and have a good habit of eating and drinking.

From inside, I know you are still longing to do something great. I hope when we meet again, you know what to do and you are on the way of doing it.

Let’s go.

[0thsense]

28 9 2022

sigh. there is a 50% chance this is my last post on the blog. yesterday i felt very depressed in bed and i resolved to make a blog to write and vent, but today i randomly feel better. is it because i internalized what i thought about yesterday? i was feeling unhappy because my friend ned did not seem to be as happy to spend time with me. we were at one point comfortable and happy sharing our true thoughts but now i feel a sense of distance. it only makes sense because we live in different places for many years now but i cant help but feel there is more to it. our different stages in life with my degeneration while he is in a happy relationship and pursuing early retirement. i cant help but feel that maybe he just doesnt find as much value in our relationship anymore, while maybe im clinging on to my past glory. he seemed to value martin's company more because martin keeps up with the latest gossip from a variety of friend groups and perhaps i cant even offer anything more interesting than that anymore to ned. writing this is making me feel depressed again. i keep thinking about all the opportunities that ive missed and im already 27 now. i was telling martin on the subway back to our hotel how i read somewhere that your mental peak is at 25, and its just downhill from there. i tried to pretend and believe that i didn't let that change how i act, as martin annoyingly took the obvious position of 'oh are you going to just give up because of that', but i do think about it quite a bit. i dont have much time left, and worse yet i didnt realize how little time i have as ive squandered the past few years. i poured so much time into getting good at these games i dont want to mention, and achieved the goals i set. the only problem being that the goals were a proxy for actually being able to achieve the real goals i actually care about, and i still cannot achieve those real goals. i wonder if anybody other than me will ever read this. i hope that some random person finds this and finds it interesting enough to read and share. i dont think i will share this to anyone i know unless in time i become someone who can look back on this and laugh. that seems currently unlikely. today i met jarvis's friends. im not thinking of names for them because i dont think they will be recurring characters. i still struggle with meeting new people, i dont think the depressed state i am in helps very much for that. i probably came off as not shy but a little weird, which i guess is pretty accurate. i just wish i could make connections more easily, everything i do still feels forced, just like how its felt my whole life. it makes me worry about meeting a romantic partner. i used to think that if i could just show someone my true self i wouldnt have trouble finding a partner, but now im unsure of even that. ive lost a lot of confidence in my true self, and i also think my true self has truly become less compelling. im in a bit of a rut i suppose. if i start thinking all of these things every day i might do it. that felt forced to write but this blog is supposed to be a stream of consciousness so i should not hold back, though im probably just thinking it because its my first day writing this blog. i wonder if i should include mundane things like wow i scrolled up and this is a giant wall of text. probably not because it doesnt add anything and this is already getting very long. this might be the most words ive written in a single day since like my last essay in college, like more than 5 years ago. thats very sad to think about. my friend yan just posted that he will come home for 2-3 weeks for christmas. im very excited to hang out with yan again, but i have a small fear that he will treat me like ned. that would make me really sad. im kind of supposed to plan something important during those 2-3 weeks for the toddpole friend group, but its unclear and messy and it stresses me out a bit to think about it. i hope it works out, i think i can do it. of course no matter how well i do it i will get made fun of for it but thats just how it is.LIMIT

[merinelsa]

Just my mind and life doing things to me again , so just ignore, gonna vent again because I'm jobless

There were two things in life that made me really happy , really proud of myself . One was dance . I'm a fat kid , to convince people that I'm good at dance , that I can really move my body , that I can captivate people with my expressions was really hard. I've been training since I was 2yrs old . And I've been trying to outperform my fellow dance mates who are way slimmer and ' fit ' according to society's standards , for even just half of the recognition they get . And though it was hard at first , it's been kind of satisfying to see people's first impression on me change as they see me dance . You could ask the 5 teachers I've had for the past 16 yrs , I was always their favourite , I was always asked to teach my juniors or to demonstrate to me peers how to do it right . Once , even my dad's friends told me that seeing me dance for one programme inspired them to join classes and form groups to learn dance , cause I was as fat as them and still could move well . I remember once I had this group dance competition and our theme was indian folk dance and I was doing the puppet dance , a dance form i'd never seen or performed , but the teacher saw me do it and said that they never had to look for a puppet cause I was a perfect one . That took so much of control over my body and movements to do it right and I worked hard and we bagged the first position . I was good , I was proud of myself , my mom always used to say how dance was a form of courage and self confidence for me when i had to go through so much comments over my body shape and anything people could find fault in me .

And the second , my academics . I was good lol . Not extraordinary by any means , but I could do well in school. I'd participate in scholarship exams and do good in it , got quite a few merit certificates over it . I was never studious per say , I'd spend much less time on studies and more on being active in school , though even that took so much work on my side cause I've terrible social anxiety . But I did good in school enough for my teachers to be happy with me and even encourage me to become a peer for students who needed help . Enough for me to want to be a doctor and my parents to trust me on being able to achieve it

So that's where my issues starts . I was capable enough to do med coaching ( to write an exam to get into a med college ) along with my last two years of school which is a hard task . But I did work hard , and it led me to ignore dance and in turn my body . I stopped practicing 2.5 yrs back to just focus on my studies and get into a good college . I thought I would come back after I'd achieved my goal . And here I am 2.5 yrs later feeling just shit . Though I did better academic wise, I'm one of the only ones to not yet get an admission ( though I've been trying to tell my brain that it's because I'm looking to get one over my own hard work and on pure academic basis in order to study at a good institute on scholarship rather than my friends who got by spending money , but it just feels so lonely over here ) . And secondly , bc of not practicing , my body is refusing to be flexible enough to dance well . I've been trying to exercise everyday and trying to do at least half the things I did easily back then , but it's been so hard . I know that being away from dance for so long can really affect your skills and it can be really hard to get back into my earlier state , but God just everything is weighing down on me so hard . The two things I had that made me happy and proud and courageous, I don't have them anymore to give me comfort . I feel weak and my self confidence have hit a real low point . And I've been trying to cheer me up and it has been successful quite a few times , but days like today where nothing specific has happened but I still feel that deep pain of loss and feeling just so down , has me over here writing out paragraphs . I just want to feel good about myself , I just want to feel like I can do it , that I can get through it , that I'm capable and talented and this is just a small phase that I have to just push through. I just want to go back to those days were people liked me and I felt worthy. I know I shouldn't put my worth on such trivial stuff but it's hard when there's nothing making you feel good about yourself now . I just need to get through this. I just need to ignore those stares and those constant fake concerned asks . I just want to feel good , lord .

[whocaresattitude]

I never write on here.

Today, I visited my old workplace. I used to work retail. Cashier. Almost two years. Part of me wanted to round it to 2 years, but I just couldn’t handle that type of work anymore. The people I dealt with were so… awful sometimes. My “bad days” were piling up.

I guess this will be a small journal post. Like the ones I made years ago. So, I saw the store. I was with my partner. We were looking for bike accessories. I could have sworn the store carries them. All of a sudden, I forget why I’m there. I walk around. Try to see if I see ANY of my old coworkers. The ones I miss. The ones who really made work more bearable. I didn’t see anyone. Then I walk up to the registers. All new cashiers. Nobody I recognized.

I hear the phone announcement. It’s a recognizable voice. I know the voice. I see the third register, and it’s a cashier I used to talk to. We talked about Jojo a lot during work. He was with a sales floor associate. I think I could recognize her, but I wasn’t sure if she typically worked weekends. Maybe it was her. Either way, I was too nervous to go up to strike a conversation. I contemplated texting him, since I still have a lot of my old coworkers’ phone numbers. But it’s been 7 months since we last spoke in person. I thought he’d be working another job by now, so I was very surprised to still see him there. Regardless, I just don’t talk to any of them now, which saddens me. I reached out to another one via text. She never responded. Something tells me she’s no longer a cashier there. Maybe she quit before summer. I’m not sure. I hope she’s okay at least. Anyway…I didn’t expect to see anyone I knew due to the high turnover rate there. That’s one of the reasons why I quit. All my fave coworkers left. Mostly for college or to find a more stress-free type of environment. They all had their reasons. I stuck it out because there were maybe 4-5 people that made it okay to work there. Something tells me they’re gone too. I wouldn’t know. I don’t feel like checking back every now and then to see, even though I live so close.

I walked out of the store, didn’t buy anything. I miss my coworkers, honestly. Whoever is still working there. The store seemed void of anyone on the floor. Only saw folks at the register. Still, it made me sort of miss the routine I had back in Oct. 2020-Jan. 2022. I worked my butt off. Worked 2 retail jobs. One was seasonal. Volunteered at a cat rescue. I did so much back then. Now, where am I?

I’m unemployed. Nobody is calling me for interviews. Yet, anyway. Most have rejected me. I have a cousin who lives in Thailand (I think). He achieved his dream of becoming both a nurse and a homeowner. He was one of the few cousins who wasn’t working the medical field or something successful.

I’m the only one now. I don’t go to parties anymore, family ones. I avoid them. My mom understands, but I know it saddens her. I don’t know what I’ll do now. I see a therapist. Weekly. She helps, but I honestly wish a miracle could descend onto me. Throw me into a dream career. Take me there. Skip all this bullshit, all this pain. My partner is so supportive, but I’m tired of letting him down.

You ever feel being alone? I do, every day. It helps that the Halloween season is near. I cope by looking at decor at stores. Sometimes even treating myself to spooky items. Not even sure how to end this entry.

It helped to type it out, at least.

#queue #journal #journaling

[streetlight11]

You're My Art

Summary: You have always loved art. You loved sketching, colouring, painting, you name it. You have always thought that people could never appreciate art like you do. All the people you knew at least, didn’t. However, it all changed when you met him.

Theme: college au, strangers to friends to lovers

Genre: very fluffy

Warnings: none

WC: 7.8k

Pairing: Art Student!Hyunjin x GN!Reader

a/n: Have you seen this boy's artworks? He is so talented, I find his drawings and paintings so satisfying to look at 🥺 So just picture falling in love with Art Student Hyunjin. Oh, what a beautiful feeling that would be.

Ever since you were 6, you have always loved art. Every year, your parents would get you arts and craft sets for your birthday present. You had a whole shelf of all your art supplies and it only expanded as you got older. From just sketch books and colour pencils, to canvases, a whole array of paints, brushes, easels, etc. Your family appreciates your art despite most of it being abstract with no actual object or person as a main focus. Your friends and schoolmates however, don’t really understand your art.

Your friends were at least quite respectful about it while everyone else just straight up calls your artwork hideous or meaningless. It upsets you that no one seems to truly appreciate and see art like you do. It always baffles you whenever a classmate of yours just snickers at your artwork during class and goes, “Even a toddler can draw better than you.”

That comment was unnecessary and it deeply offended you. It made you feel slightly insecure about your art.

Is it really that bad?

Am I not doing it right?

Is my art really meaningless?

These questions floated around your head for quite a while until your parents reassured you by saying that people just don’t appreciate art like you do. Since then, you’ve been living with that mindset that your parents had rooted into your brain. Every time someone criticizes your artwork, you will just remember your dad’s words.

“They just don’t have a creative mind to appreciate art enough.”

Not gonna lie, it made you not care if someone doesn’t like your artwork anymore. It made you understand that art is not for everyone and that it’s okay.

After you graduated high school, you decided to go to a college which specializes in just Art courses. A whole variety of courses were available that ranged from performing arts to fine arts. As for you, you of course chose fine arts that involve painting and sketching rather than performing and dancing. Unfortunately for you, the school was in a whole different city from your hometown so you decided to move out and find a cosy yet affordable apartment near campus.

You managed to rent a studio apartment that was just nice for one person to live in. And of course, you turned the living space into literally, your art space with a single bed in the corner for where you sleep and that’s about it. Everything else is for your art space except the kitchen and bathroom. Even so, you were very content with this.

Art was your hobby but most importantly, your passion. You have no idea where you would be right now if you hadn’t loved art this much.

You were going to start school in two days but you were already excited. When you submitted your portfolio to the school for your college application, you included all your previous artwork from when you were young, up till present. You explained about your interest and what made you love art.

Though you weren’t confident in earning a spot in the course, you managed to get in and it blew your mind away.

This particular college has been your dream school ever since you were halfway through high school. The amount of good reviews and amazing achievements that the students who graduated from this school gave you just enough motivation to work hard and get into the course you’ve been aiming for.

And here you are.

Just two days away from the start of your journey in college life doing the thing you loved most and that was art. It still feels so surreal to you. No more mathematics, no more chemistry, no more history…

Just art.

Upon arriving at the campus grounds, you inhaled a long breath of fresh air. The morning breeze filling your nostrils as you smiled to yourself. “This is it. No more worrying about other subjects. Just you and art, Y/N. You can do this.” You thought to yourself while you checked your schedule in your email to find your classroom.

Once you made it, you noticed the door hanging ajar as students began to slowly pile in. Considering nobody was talking to each other, you assumed you were in the right class.

You managed to find a seat near the middle of the room as there were about 20 seats scattered around the room with art supplies next to each wooden round chair. After you’ve settled down in one, you curiously glance around the room to see your classmates. Usually, you’re not the type of person who is considered friendly but you’re not really arrogant either.

You’re okay if others approached you first, you just weren’t the type to come up to strangers and strike up the first conversation. Which is something you’ve been struggling with.

So when you accidentally locked eyes with a guy sitting right next to your seat, you flashed him a friendly smile and said softly in hopes that he would be nice to you, “Hello.” You almost wanted the ground to swallow you whole as the guy simply ignored you and went ahead to turn his back to you before taking out his art materials from his backpack.

Oh. Right. This is exactly why you hated making the first move into making new friends.

With that being said, you awkwardly nodded to yourself and whispered a very soft ‘okay’.

As the time goes by, you realize that everyone in the class seems to be pretty unfriendly. None of them were talking to each other. Some were openly staring and judging other students like they were in some kind of competition.

You don’t understand why they were doing that because you were all classmates and at the end of the day, art is supposed to be carefree. No art is too much or too boring. Every single piece of artwork has its own essence and meaning to it, you just need to be open minded and have a creative mind to appreciate them.

Unfortunately, it seems as though you have been placed with a group of artists who only see their art as the best and the most pleasant one to look at. None of them see and appreciate art like you do.

What a great start to your first semester.

As much as you thought that college would allow you to meet new people who share the same perspective and appreciation as you in art, it looks like you were wrong. Your classmates weren’t only arrogant, but they’re also competitive. It’s fine though, you just have to focus on the art content and your professor.

Who cares if you don’t make any friends in college? The only thing that matters is that you’re expanding your skills and knowledge on something you love.

It has been almost 3 months now since your first class and it wasn’t a surprise that you were still alone with no particular friends in class. Some were on their own just like you, some were acquainted in pairs, and some were already in a group. At first you did wonder why nobody bothered to befriend you.

Was it because you were too unapproachable?

Was it because of all your artwork?

Was it because they see you as a competition?

You have absolutely no idea. You couldn’t even bring yourself to think of a reason why they decided to leave you out so you resorted to just minding your own business and not giving a single shit about what they think of you and your art.

It was a rainy Friday evening and you didn’t really have anywhere to go so you decided to just stay home and paint. You wore your art apron to protect your clothes from the coloured paint and soon, you began to let the brush in your hand move to its own accord. Not bothering to draw a base outline of what you intended on painting. After about 3 hours of focus, you finally took a few steps back to admire the piece you created.

It was a landscape picture of the ocean from the top of the hill which overlooks the huge cliffs along the side, the waves crashing onto shore below and the pretty sun setting in the horizon.

You smiled, feeling proud of yourself for doing this freehand. This has been something you’ve wanted to try for so long and you finally managed to do it with the help of your professor during the past few classes. Usually, you would draw a very light sketch on the canvas for the outline and then you would use that as a guideline for where to colour and paint.

Hence, the reason why you felt proud for creating this art piece free handed.

Just then, you could’ve sworn it sounded like a dragon was in your studio apartment due to the rumbling sound of your stomach. Oh damn. You were so engrossed in painting, you forgot to eat your dinner. There wasn’t any leftover food from lunch and you still hadn’t gone to the supermarket to buy your groceries yet for the weekend and potentially next week.

With that being said, you decided to go for your grocery run in the dead of night. Well, not really. It’s only 12:27am.

Yes. Only 12:27am.

Since you were hungry, you might as well grab something to eat and buy your groceries too, you thought.

So about 10 minutes later, you arrived at the 24 hour local supermarket to get your groceries. You remembered to make a list of things to buy in case you forgot. The fact that it was past midnight, the supermarket was quite barren save for some families and a few young adults like you who were probably starving and wanted to grab some snacks to eat at home.

You were just scanning the shelves for your favourite box of instant pancake mix when you noticed the last box is at the very top of the racks. Not only that, you were too short to even reach it.

Oh no.

However, because you wanted it and you have been craving to have pancakes for breakfast these days, you made it your mission to get that box no matter what.

With that being said, you began to stand on your tippy toes and stretched your arm out as far as you can to even reach for the corner of the box. Of course it had to be a few inches away from the very end of the shelves, making it nearly impossible for you to grab it. After a few failed attempts to try and take it without jumping or climbing, you tried to jump and reach for the box. Much to your dismay, the box fell back.

Well, that didn’t go too well, did it?

“Shit… How the hell am I supposed to take it now?” You softly whined to no one in particular as you rested both hands on your hips. You were starting to contemplate on getting a staff to help or climb the shelves and take it yourself.

However, while you were busy thinking and struggling for the past few minutes, you didn’t even realize that some people who had been walking past the aisle you’re in, had seen you the whole time you were jumping and straining your arms to get the box. And yet, nobody bothered to help you.

How rude.

You weren’t giving up just yet so you began to stand on your tiptoes again to try and reach for the box. Right at that moment, a soft voice spoke up from behind you as you turned over your shoulder to find a cute guy staring at you with a finger pointing towards the highest rack on the shelves where your pancake box is.

“Do you need some help getting that?” He asked to which you quickly replied to avoid seeming like a creep for staring at him too long.

“U-Uh… Yes please. Sorry to trouble you.” You said before stepping aside and telling him which box you wanted.

The male nods as he steps forward and extends his arm up, easily grabbing the pancake box from the rack with little to no effort at all. Of course, he’s tall. Way taller than you to be more precise. He had jet black hair that was at least an inch above his shoulders. He tied his hair up in a half up do with small strands of hair tucked out of his ponytail to frame his face on either side.

Damn, he is so cute.

He soon gave you the box to which you took it from his hand and smiled at him politely as you said, “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome.” He said before returning your smile by doing the same. The minute he left, you couldn’t help but wonder…

Does he live around here?

Which school does he go to?

What is his name?

Does he have a special someone?

Wait what?

Today was a bright and sunny Wednesday morning. The sun was out blaring down on you, the heat was crazy. Thankfully, you managed to arrive on campus before your body became a sweaty mess. Walking to your art building with your air pods in and music blasting through its speakers, you quietly bopped your head to the beat of the song. Completely in your own little bubble.

When you arrived in class, most of the seats were already occupied, save for yours and two others.

Not long after you walked in, the remaining two students entered. You placed your bag down on the ground beside your chair as you went to take some brushes from the table. Some were busy chatting with each other while some just minded their own business.

You had just taken a box of paint and turned around to put on your side stand when your cup got knocked off the stand and onto the ground with a loud thud. You cursed under your breath as you placed the box of paint down and was about to reach for the cup when a hand had already grabbed it.

Those hands…

“I think you dropped this.”

That voice…

You watched as the person held the cup in his hand that extended out towards you. That’s when you finally glance up to meet the same guy who helped you the other day with your box of pancake mix in the supermarket.

“U-Uh… Thanks.” You said quietly to which he smiled, causing his eyes to disappear into two adorable crescent moons.

“You’re welcome.” He said and you wondered…

Does he remember you?

Hmm. Maybe he doesn’t.

“Have you made pancakes with the box of mix yet?” He suddenly asked.

Okay, maybe he does.

“H-Huh? Oh! Y-Yeah! I actually made it for breakfast the next morning.” You said, making him chuckle. Just then, you noticed he was still standing and there were no other seats available so you couldn’t help but ask, “I don’t mean to sound rude, but are you new here?”

He nodded in response before telling you that he just transferred from his previous college. He didn’t go into details as to why he transferred but all you needed to know was that he’s a new student to the class. So you asked him to sit down in your chair just in time for your professor to walk in. You excused yourself to go and approach your professor, telling him that he has a new student joining your class from today onwards and that he doesn’t have a seat.

Upon this new information, your professor contacted the department staff to bring in an extra seat and art equipment for the new student.

When you went back to join him, who was seated quietly on your stool, he turned to you and asked for your name.

“I’m Y/N. You are?” You asked.

“I’m Hyunjin. It’s nice to meet you.” He smiled. His smile could easily cure sadness.

“How long have you been into art?” He asked.

“Since I was 6. I’ve always found it fun and cool to look at. Especially ones that don’t have any specific object to focus on.”

“Me too! I mean, I usually draw or paint a specific thing but I do like seeing abstract art. It just gets me to imagine and be creative with what the art wants to portray itself to me.” Hyunjin explained. You were stunned. Nobody has ever said this to you. No one has ever said they liked abstract art. All these years, people have only asked you the same questions and said the same thing over and over again.

What is so nice about abstract art? It’s just pointless and ugly.

Why do people even paint those? It’s horrendous.

What do you even see in these streaks? They’re just lines.

If this is what you call art, then it’s rubbish.

So for someone to say this to you, it honestly surprises you. His comment definitely wasn’t seen coming. Unfortunately, Hyunjin mistakes your silence for something negative. Hence, the reason why he quietly spoke up, “Did I… say something wrong?”

With that being said, you’ve never panicked so fast in your life.

“What? No! No, it’s just… No one has ever said that to me before. The people I know have always been very negative and not understanding about art, more specifically abstract art. No one in my life has ever appreciated art like I do. That’s why I was a little shocked when you said that.” You explained yourself and you could see the way his eyes softened as he stared at you while you spoke.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. It must be tough to always hear those comments being said to you, huh?” He asked gently to which you shrugged your shoulders at him.

“I learned to ignore them over time. My dad told me this sentence and I’ve never been bothered by those people ever since. He said ‘they just don’t have a creative mind to appreciate art enough’ and I completely agree.” You smiled. Hyunjin nods because he too has the same mindset.

Not long after, one of the school staff brought in an extra stool complete with new art materials and equipment for Hyunjin, in which he helped by taking the stool and putting it just next to your space. The minute the professor was about to start, Hyunjin turned to you with a bright smile and whispered to you softly so that he wouldn’t interrupt the professor while he teaches.

“Don’t listen to what those people say.”

“Mmm, definitely won’t.” You replied, earning a soft chuckle followed by a nod before he turned back to the front of the class where your professor was teaching something new.

Maybe you would have a friend in college after all.

About two hours later, lunch time came rolling in. While everyone was busy keeping their art materials including yourself, a soft tap to your shoulder made you turn around to find Hyunjin standing there with his bag already hanging off his shoulder.

“Hey, um… Can I join you for lunch?” He asked.

“Yeah, of course.” You said as he patiently waited for you to finish packing. However, the minute you were about to walk off with him, Hyunjin stopped for a moment as he glanced behind him to where the other students were just chatting away while they slowly made their way to the back door.

“Aren’t your other friends coming?” He asked, to which you turned to look at where he was staring at. That’s when you realized that he may have thought that they were your friends.

“Oh, they’re not my friends... To be fair, I don’t have any friends in this class. I mean, not that I have any outside class either but yeah.” You explained as he looked at you with a confused expression. Nonetheless, both of you began walking towards the main building where the food hall was. You both chatted and got to know each other a little more during your walk. You found out that he has been interested in art not too long ago and to add on to that, he also loves photography. More specifically, film photography.

You ended up buying lunch and sat at the rooftop garden where there’s peace and quiet instead of being surrounded by other rowdy college students in the food hall. Turns out, after a few minutes of talking and joking around, you and Hyunjin shared quite a few things in common other than your interest in art.

Right before lunch ends, Hyunjin looks up from his can of soda and smiles at you, only to make a very bold statement that makes your heart feel warm.

“Let’s be friends from here on out.”

Without a struggle to respond to his words, you smiled as you raised your can of soda to him and gestured in a ‘cheers’ motion while you said, “To the start of our friendship.” Hyunjin soon clinks his can against yours.

“To the start of our friendship.” He repeated your words before you both said cheers and drank your sodas.

Days turned into weeks and your friendship with Hyunjin grew even stronger with the time that passed. No doubt he is your friend, you can't deny the fact that he is really good looking. His visuals are definitely a bonus point to his personality. Not only is he cute but he is also kind hearted. He is just a pure sweetheart that wouldn’t even hurt a fly.

And at this point, after 4 months of knowing him, it was quite obvious that your feelings for him had blossomed.

You just wished you could say the same for him.

It was a Saturday afternoon, you had just gotten back from your errands and Hyunjin asked if you wanted to hangout later in the day since it was the weekend. You asked where he wanted to go. He suggested going ice skating then getting some ice cream waffles in which you easily agreed to it.

A few hours later, you had already showered and changed into a new set of clothes. Hyunjin said he’s going to pick you up so while waiting for him to arrive, you went to your phone that was charging on your desk to scroll through your social media. Upon clicking your Instagram app, you saw at the top of your newsfeed page, Hyunjin’s account with a new story he posted. So you clicked on it and it was a mirror shot of him.

He was wearing a white shirt, skinny jeans and a bomber jacket. It might look like a simple outfit but he looks so good in them.

“I swear, he’s gonna be the death of me one of these days.” You whispered to yourself just in time to receive a message bubble from him saying he’s arrived downstairs so you quickly grabbed your things and left, not forgetting to lock your front door.

The moment you left your apartment complex, he was seen leaning against his parked jeep beside the pavement. He was in the same outfit as the one in his Instagram story post.

Breathe Y/N. Breathe.

The closer you got, you start to notice the accessories he wore. The silver chain bracelets on his right hand, the smart watch on his left hand, the simple necklace around his neck, the rings on some of his fingers, the dangling earring on one ear…

Hwang Hyunjin, I swear…

You’ve seen him with some of these accessories before but for some reason, today just hits you differently and you wonder why. Once you were about 5 steps away, he looked up to meet your eyes and soon, his own eyes disappeared into two crescent moons when he smiled at you.

“Hey! You’re late.” He then pouted, jutting out his bottom lip.

Damn it Hyunjin.

“By like, 10 seconds…” You joked, to which he rolled his eyes but you knew he never meant it. He opened the door for you and even closed it for you before going to the driver's side. He pulled out of the parking space and drove off into the distance, allowing the sight of your apartment complex to get smaller and smaller in the side mirror.

The journey to the ice skating rink wasn’t too far away as the ride consists of you two making jokes and laughing about random things. A day with him has never been a bore. You could literally go on and on about art without feeling tired or bored by it. Sometimes you would gossip about students in your class who tend to be slightly rude and egotistical towards you and Hyunjin whenever it comes to individual assignments.

They always compare either one of your artworks to theirs and if you got better scores than they did, they would throw insults over at you or Hyunjin and would even go to the extent of sabotaging your artwork.

It’s ridiculous.

Minutes later, you finally arrived at the indoor skating rink. Both of you abandoned the vehicle and soon entered the building. There weren't many people around so that was good.

Hyunjin and you went to the counter to rent your skating boots and also pay for the fees. Once you both, or well in this case, Hyunjin, had paid for all of it, you then made your way to the seats near the rink entrance. You weren’t good at ice skating so you didn’t know what to expect. However, Hyunjin claimed that he was an advanced ice skater and that he will guide you. All you want is for him to not make fun of you for you’re about to look like a baby giraffe learning how to walk when you’re on the ice.

Despite knowing that would happen considering it’s Hyunjin, a part of you can’t seem to be mad if he does make fun of you. After all, you would definitely make fun of yourself anyways. With that being said, the two of you began to walk towards the entrance except you were lowkey struggling to walk in those boots. Hyunjin laughed as he turned around and asked, “Can you walk?”

“Do you see me crawling?” You asked sarcastically but it only made him laugh even more.

“You will be once we’re on the ice.”

“I thought you said you were going to teach me?”

“I will. I’m just gonna warn you that it won’t be easy though.” Hyunjin said as he steps onto the ice and soon glides backwards away from you with his hands behind his back. He skates in a figure 8 twice before coming back to find you just stuck frozen by the entrance.

“How am I gonna teach you if you’re not gonna go on the ice?” Hyunjin cackles, clutching onto his stomach while he laughs.

“What if I fall?”

“You won’t.”

“Liar…”

“Come on Y/N! We don’t have all day! Let’s go.” He insists as he grabs your hand and drags in you, making you squeak. The moment both your feet are on the ice, your heart almost jumps out of your chest from how slippery it was. You nearly fell.

Thankfully, Hyunjin was quick to wrap his other arm around your waist and maintained your balance. Your hands flew to his forearms as you heard him ask softly above you. His voice was genuinely concerned.

“Are you okay?”

To that, you glanced up to find him already staring down at you. You almost forgot how to speak from being so flustered by how close your face was with his.

“Y-Yeah… I’m fine.” You replied quietly, all of which, Hyunjin nodded and slowly pulled away from you.

The next few minutes were spent with you holding his hands throughout the entire rounds of skating in the rink. There were of course a few slips here and there but he was quick to catch you before you could faceplant the ice beneath you. An hour quickly went by and you could proudly say that you’ve barely succeeded in ice skating on your own. This would probably be the last time you try ice skating.

You left the place after returning the boots, only to then head to an ice cream waffle cafe in town. Surprisingly enough, Hyunjin pays for the dessert too. He even rejects you when you try to give him money for your share of the sweet dessert.

The only thing he said to you was, “It’s okay, my treat.” When he finally parked outside your apartment complex, he asked if he could walk you to your door.

This was the first time he ever did this.

Normally after you spend a day with him, be it from hanging out or on your way home from school, he would either just stay in his car and watch you leave or he would send you to the main entrance of your apartment complex on the days where he chose not to drive to school.

So naturally, you said okay.

You’ve known him for quite a while now, he was no longer a stranger. In fact, you could proudly refer to him as your friend at this point. Even so, neither of you has properly been to the other’s place before.

And because of that reason alone, you wanted him to know that this is your way of indirectly telling him that you’re already comfortable enough to let him know exactly where you stayed. Hyunjin follows you as you lead the way, all the while chatting and keeping your conversation going. Once you made it to your door, you turned to him and saw a small little pout on his face.

“This is my stop. Today was… interesting I would say.” You spoke up, earning a soft laugh from him before you continued, “Thanks for being patient with me in the rink though… and uh… sorry for squeezing your hands too hard. You have no idea how scared I was to not fall on my ass the entire time.”

Hyunjin laughed as he throwed his head back, a little habit of his that you adore. Silence fell upon you for a few seconds until he spoke up.

“I guess I shall leave you to rest then. Goodnight Y/N.” He said, but for some reason, you felt like doing something you’ve never done. So when he was about to walk away, that’s when you called his name softly to catch his attention. Hyunjin turns to face you with a slightly confused smile but still so soft and harmless as he hums in response.

With that being said, you closed the gap between you two and soon wrapped your arms around his waist. This caught him by surprise but he actually liked it. So to avoid misunderstandings, Hyunjin swiftly wraps his arms around your shoulders and holds you close against his chest, letting you get a good whiff of his cologne. You stayed like that for a while, pulling away only when he did.

You avoided his eyes for a brief second and you could already hear his little shy giggle.

“Why did you suddenly wanna do that?” He asked innocently.

“I… um… I’ve been having a bad week…” You said softly to which Hyunjin pouted and opened his arms again, gesturing for you to hug him. So you did. He wraps his arms around you again and it makes you feel so calm. He holds you for a few more seconds before pulling away to ask, “Feeling better now?”

“Much better. Thank you.” You giggled, earning a ruffle of your hair by him.

“Go rest. I’ll text you once I’m home.”

“Okay… Drive safe…”

“Will do. Goodnight Y/N.”

“Goodnight Jinie.”

“Alright class, I will be giving you an individual assignment. The due date will be at the end of next week. Today is what… Wednesday? You have 9 days to decide on what you want to do. The theme of this assignment will be to create an art piece of something that you love most. It can be an object, a person, a place, an animal, etc. I believe you all won’t disappoint me, yes?” Your professor said, in which everyone in the room responded with a yes.

“Very well then. At the end of next week, please keep your canvases in an opaque bag. Your art work shall be kept hidden from everyone else’s view except for me. Is that clear?”

“Yes sir.”

“Amazing. Class dismissed.”

Sounds of brushes being kept, canvases being put away, sketchbooks being tossed into bags filled your ears as you too did the same. Just as you were keeping your things in your bag, Hyunjin spoke up to you, causing you to turn around.

“Hey, I heard there’s a new art gallery opening downtown. Do you wanna go with me this Saturday?” He asked.

“Art gallery? Hell yeah!” You beamed in excitement as he laughed at your reaction.

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 2pm?”

“Sure. Can’t wait!” You giggled while you two left the classroom. You were asking each other about what you planned on painting for the assignment, only for you to tease him by saying it’s a secret. You joked with him about painting a portrait of yourself holding a bagel in your hands and he laughed. You already had something in mind. You already knew what you wanted to draw. However, you’re not gonna tell him. It’s an individual assignment for a reason.

But of course, that’s not the only reason why you didn’t want to tell him.

Saturday rolls in and you made it a point to wear something nice today. Nobody said anything about it being a date. You don’t have to wear nice clothes for it to be a date. Apparently, Hyunjin has the same thought too. When he told you he was downstairs, you grabbed your things from the table and soon left your apartment to avoid keeping him waiting. Once you made it downstairs, you nearly lost your breath upon seeing his choice of clothing.

He decided to wear a loose white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, shirt tucked into his denim skinny jeans along with a white cap. He wore a silver chain bracelet, a necklace, a pair of earrings and a few rings on some of his fingers.

Hyunjin scans your outfit and almost immediately, a smile appears on his lips.

“Don’t you look dashing.” He teased, to which you laughed.

“I’d say the same for you.” You said as he opened his passenger door for you.

After he got in, he soon drove off and you blasted your favourite songs in his car. The drive to the art gallery was quite a journey due to the weekend traffic but you still made it. There was a queue to enter the art gallery and only then did you remember…

“Wait… We don’t have tickets to enter!” You panicked as you saw the main guy asking for tickets at the front of the line before allowing guests to enter the gallery exhibition. With that being said, Hyunjin fishes into his back pocket and pulls out two tickets casually and holds it in front of you.

“That’s why I bought it beforehand.” He said, making your mouth hang agape.

“When did you-”

“Remember when I asked if you wanted to go here with me? I got the tickets the same day I asked. I knew it would sell out fast so I chose not to wait till the very last minute.” He explained.

Whoever dates him will be the luckiest person on earth. How you wished it would be you.

“Aww, Hyunjin ah… You didn’t have to. It must’ve been pricey, wasn’t it?” You asked but he simply shook his head and told you it wasn’t too expensive. Yet, you didn’t trust him because you knew art gallery entrance fees can reach up to 60 bucks sometimes. However, he reassured you saying not to worry about the ticket and just enjoy the exhibition with him.

And that was exactly what you did.

A few minutes later, you finally entered the gallery exhibition with him, instantly getting excited over the artworks on the wall. There was a whole variety of them.

From abstract art, to fine art.

Every time you entered a new part of the exhibition, you couldn’t help but gently grab his inner elbow and point to the art. At some point, Hyunjin would tell you to go check it out first and you saw him holding onto his film camera. So whenever he told you to go on first, you couldn’t bring yourself to get upset knowing he was probably busy taking photos of the art.

You were just admiring an art piece when a flash of light appeared on the art you were looking at so you turned around to find Hyunjin standing a few feet behind you with the camera aimed at you.

“Did you just take a picture of me?” You giggled in which he chuckled.

“It looked nice so I just randomly snapped it. I hope you don’t mind.” He bashfully smiled at you, making you shake your head to tell him you were okay with him taking a picture of you. Afterwards, both of you walked side by side again, admiring and saying out your own creative opinions on each art you see. You were almost at the end of the exhibition, he was still walking beside you while he took pictures of the art.

Just then, Hyunjin held onto your wrist and said, “Hey, let’s get one picture together.” You agreed to it as you asked where he wanted to take the picture. He made you choose and soon he approached a couple and asked for their help to take your picture.

When Hyunjin came back to you, he stood beside you and you wondered what he would do. However, the minute you felt him snake an arm around your waist, your heart skipped a few beats.

You turned to ask him how to pose for the picture but instead, you got slightly flustered by how close his face was with yours as he was already looking down at you. That’s when he smiled and whispered softly so that only you could hear, “Can I go closer?” With that being said, you simply nodded as he leaned down a little more and you couldn’t help but let the corner of your lips curve up.

The moment you could feel his nose gently brush against his, you heard the sound of the camera click. He playfully nudged his head towards you, feeling his lips graze over yours briefly before he pulled away completely.

Both of you left after he took his camera back, neither of you dared to acknowledge what happened earlier.

Lucky for you, he didn’t act like he was awkward or anything so you didn’t as well. Similar to the other night when you went ice skating with him, he offered to walk you to your door. There were times where you would feel like his pinkie was brushing against yours and at one point felt like he wanted to lock pinkies with you.

When you made it in front of your door, Hyunjin was the first to speak up.

“I hope you had fun today, cause I definitely did.”

“Any day with you is always fun.” You teased him in which you see the cute pink tints on his cheeks as he chuckled.

“This might be random, but do you think I can get a hug before I go?” Hyunjin asked. You of course wanted it so saying no was never going to be an option. Instead of verbally responding to his question, you opened your arms instead for him. He laughed but nevertheless, took a few steps closer and soon wrapped his arms around your shoulders.

You easily buried your face in his chest as you hugged him by the waist securely. This feels so comforting and warm, you wish you could stay like this forever. A few minutes later, he left not without saying goodnight and when he did, you couldn’t help but smile.

You knew exactly what to do for your assignment that was due next week.

Two weeks later, everyone’s artworks have been submitted to your professor for grading. Nobody knows what the other students drew. You were just sitting in your own spaces while everyone was busy chatting amongst themselves including you and Hyunjin when your professor walked in with a bright smile on his face.

“Good morning class, I have already seen and marked your individual assignment. I must say, I am very impressed with all your works, especially 3 of you which I’m not going to say who it belongs to but I will show the art pieces.” He said as he soon took out a canvas from the opaque bag.

Immediately, a group in the corner started cheering for the girl who was wearing that smug look on her face. The art was of beauty products and a picture of a girl who looks somewhat like herself. Clearly she loves herself and makeup more than anyone else.

You quietly listened to your professor explain why this piece was his third favourite, only for Hyunjin to whisper to you, “That’s a little shameless if you ask me.”

With that being said, you couldn’t help but giggle as you gently slapped his arm. A few minutes later, your professor kept the canvas and went to reach in for the second one as he spoke up.

“Now this next one, is very simple but has a very meaningful touch to it I would say. Not only did this person include fine art, they also included a small bit of abstract art as well.” Your professor said as he soon took out the canvas.

Almost instantly, you felt your breath hitch in your throat.

It was your artwork.

“As you all can see, this person clearly shows that they love art from all the art materials on the desk, the easel, the canvas, and the arm that belongs to the artist who is also painting a picture which shows an abstract art of a camera. So from this itself, I think this person loves art and photography. I think this is very good.” Your professor explained.

Just when you thought you could get away from being exposed, Hyunjin decides to whisper to you. Something that you hoped he would never notice.

“Is… that yours?” He asked, in which you couldn’t help but avoid his eyes.

“No it’s not, what are you talking about?” You tried to lie but he could see right through you. Hence, the reason why he softly chuckled at you.

“Liar… If that’s not yours, why aren’t you looking at me when you answer?” He asked, making you click your tongue and roll your eyes at him.

“Oh hush.” You said as he laughed again and soon turned his attention back to your professor.

Minutes passed, it was finally time for the last art. Your professor took the canvas out and you could’ve sworn you recognized the art. The art was mostly abstract but you could make out the picture to be someone standing in the middle while they’re looking at a huge art piece on the wall. The only reason why you recognized it is because you’ve seen this picture before.

The original picture that this art piece was based on.

So after your professor had finished explaining why this was his favourite one out of all of them, he kept all the artworks and soon continued with his teaching. All the while, you tried not to think about that art piece. Of course you know it was Hyunjin’s but you just don’t want to acknowledge it.

With that being said, once your professor had dismissed you all, everyone began to keep their belongings. However, for some reason, Hyunjin and you seemed to be taking your own sweet time with keeping your stuff to the point where the rest of your classmates had already left. And not long after, your professor looked at you two and smiled.

“Are you two not going for lunch?” He asked.

“Uh… we’ll go in a bit, sir.” Hyunjin replied, to which your professor soon nodded and left.

The moment it was just you and Hyunjin left in the room, the room fell silent for a few beats before you decided to acknowledge him.

“You painted that?” You asked softly in which Hyunjin smiled shyly as he avoided your gaze but nonetheless answered your question.

“Mhm… Do you hate it?” He asked quietly.

“No… I actually loved it.” You said as he finally looked at you. His eyes were soft but you almost couldn’t read his expression.

“The aim of this assignment was to create an artwork of something you love most… Then does that mean…” You whispered your last sentence, too afraid to speak louder. Hyunjin smiles as he carefully scoots closer to you and gently cups your face with one hand while the other holds your waist.

“Do you need me to verbally confirm it?” He asked in a hushed tone. Your heart was racing in your chest but you wanted to hear it from his mouth so you nodded softly. Hyunjin smiled sweetly before he leaned in to leave his lips just an inch from yours.

“I’m in love with you Y/N.” He whispers as you feel him caress your cheek with his thumb. Butterflies erupted in your stomach upon his confession and you could’ve sworn your heart skipped a few beats.

“Good, because I think I’m in love with you too.”

With that being said, he breaks into a wide smile as he captures your lips in a gentle kiss. It felt so surreal to kiss your best friend but hey, at least the feeling’s mutual. Your mind was swirling when you felt the corner of his lips curve into a smile against your lips. He hugs you closer while you melt in his arms. He pulls away softly, letting his forehead rest against yours while he caresses your cheeks.

“I’m glad I met you that night in the supermarket.” He said, making you shyly giggle.

“I was kind of surprised that you remembered me on your first day in class to be honest.”

“How could I not remember the cutie from the supermarket that was struggling to get the pancake box at the highest shelf?” Hyunjin teased you and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him playfully.

“Now you’re just being a flirt, aren’t you?” You said, making him wink at you.

“Is it working?” He asked.

A soft scoff left your lips but you also laughed, causing him to capture you in a kiss. The kiss was playful but also sweet, something you knew that just radiates off him naturally for he is the sweetest yet playful boy you’ve ever met.

You’re just lucky to have met someone who likes you for who you are and also appreciates art like you do.

~~~

#stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #stray kids fluff #stray kids hyunjin #stray kids hwang hyunjin #skz scenarios #skz imagines #skz fluff #stray kids #skz #skz hwang hyunjin #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin x reader #skz hyunjin #skz hyunjin scenarios #skz hyunjin fluff

[gloriousbakeryzonkoaf]

Myc x half human and half alien mushroom

Because of your alien half you are essentially immortal.

(Alien form ) You have a tail and tentacle like hair and small mushroom cap on your head

(Human form) - your are pretty... average . You have flower bud barrette in your hair

You tried to hide the alien side of you even though you work in Cognito Inc that work along side with other quote on quote aliens and monster/cryptids

How you became half alien mushroom was a mystery it all happen when you were 14 . At the time you wore jeans, a jacket with computer logo, green shirt and glasses that you have modify to give you all the information about person, animal or object with one glance even though you don't need glasses to see since you created a cure to blindness did I mention that you're intelligent. You are incredibly intelligent but you kept that to yourself even to your own parents because you don't them freaking out as well as having people wanting "be friends" with you only for inventions . You create a portal gun . You use the gun and it create a portal to some beautiful place filled with colors you can't even imagine. Once you step into the portal your portal gun start to malfunction and portal behind you closes . You were stuck here then you pass out then wake up back in your bedroom . You that it was all a dream until you saw your portal gun on your nightstand.

You been asking yourself questions like, "What happened" "Why am I here... back in my room" "Wait how did I get back in my room". All of this didn't make any sense. You were sure that you traveled into other world. You saw it with your own two eyes. You were sure of it you even have proof, your broken portal gun. Wait it's not broken anymore

"Huh"

That strange. gosh this day just got weird, well more weirder than creating a portal to a other world. wait a minute what day is today. Think y/n think, yesterday was March 20th. You grab your phone and check the time 7:56 p.m March 20th. What! Huh? That still doesn't explain any of this. Ok y/n lets back track . I made a portal gun, create a portal, went into the portal, saw an amazing world, portal breaks and everything fade to black. Did I pass out? It was certainly NOT a dream.

As I still have my portal gun on my nightstand which I notice some kind of note and vile. The note was written in different language you don't quite understand and the paper that was written on or at least you thought it was paper feels weird and move almost "alive". The vile has a greenish blue liquid and slight glow. Maybe this note and vile hold the answer on what happen to you and how you came back in exact time you left. You just about to go in your secret laboratory in your bedroom. Until

Y/n . Your mom call

No time you grab the note and vial put them in one your pockets of your jacket and head down stairs.

As you went down stairs you see your parents talking to some old dude.

"There she is. My favorite daughter" your dad said.

You snort and said , " I'm your only daughter."

"Even better "

"So this is y/n that you been telling me about" , the old dude said.

The one aannd only your dad wink.

You took a look at the dude and your glasses reads :

Species: Human

Name: J.R. Scheimpough.

Height: 5,9

Age 44

He the co CEO of some company called Cognito Inc .

Hello as you probably already know I'm y/n and you are?

I'm J.R . he put his hand and you shake.

Mister J

Just J.R please

Ok J.R may I ask how are doing in this evening.

Hah a really go getter I like that. J.R said

Well I was here visiting one my friends ain't that right Mr L/n

Hah you got that right. Dad said

That was when your dad told me all about you, he won't shut up talking about you.

Dad! Y/n said getting flustered.

Sorry my little genius I can't it help you're just that amazing to talk about. dad said

Your dad right honey. Mom said

As far I hear and as well as I can see you have achieved many things in life. J.R said

Graduated college at the age 10. your dad started

Won the Nobel Prize. your mom said

You give a look to both of them but they just laugh and giddy about something.

So I get to the point, I want to offer a great opportunity.

And that is. Y/n said

Well job. J.R said

What?, this guy can't be serious. you thought

A job?? Where Y/N said

Yes, a job at my company of course. J.R said

You look at your parents they nodded then you back at J.R. You start to feel puzzled like why this and why now of all times. First the potral incident and now this.

Wow, you started, thanks um may I ask what the job entails? Y/N asked.

Well I can't give much detail as of yet but I can tell you'll be work in your very own lab conducting experiments or inventing things that'll help the company.

And you're willingly hiring a 14 year old kid that you heard about you thought.

May I think about it I rather not make hasty decisions.

Of course you can. Anyway it was a lovely finally meeting you here my card .

J.R leaves the house

You look at your parents who's all giddy

Aren't you excited ? Your dad finally ask.

Um I'm more confuse then anything else.

Honey we're doing this for you as you know we can't afford much. It nearly cost your dad an arm and a leg to afford that ophthalmologist appointment mom said

Your mom right J.R could provide things that we couldn't. You get your own freakin lab Dad said

Now you feel guilty all the scholarships, you don't glasses anymore , and the secret lab you have your room.

But it's all to sudden don't you think. I'm still a kid. You said.

We know honey it's scary to leave out of the nest especially this soon but I promise you it'll be worth it. I tell you what how about we go get your (favorite dessert) from that bakery/ice cream store. Dad said.

Ok. you said

All three of you get ready to go out mom went to the kitchen to put away groceries. Dad went to his office/mancave. And you went to your room , you have somethings to think about.

*in thoughts*

* I could come clean about everything and run the risk of having the media constantly on me, I invented the cure blindness for pete sake, or take the job.*

Obviously I should take the job . you said out loud.

Y/N you ready to go. mom said

Be right down.

*Alright just tell mom and dad I'll take the job offer but after (favorite dessert). Yum I can taste it now*

You walk down stairs to see your parents already at the door you put your hands in your jacket pocket that when you realize you still have the note and vile in your pocket you try to go back upstairs to put it away. However your dad grab and spun you around.

There she/he is. dad said

Heeey pppuut mere dddown.

Tell me what you think of it so far🙏

I will now update this once in a while.

#inside job #myc x reader #Myc #magic myc #x reader #myc cellium

[cooloddball]

your thoughts about saying Mish and Jen meeting at the right time is really interesting because I reckon their interactions would have been very different, as you said Jensen was the kind of person to thank jesus for an award and misha was a bit of a rebel, so they probably would have had this very interesting chemistry, but it'd be like enemies to friends to lovers (or friends whichever way you think...i am just perceiving) - where as by the time they met now, Jensen was with Danneel so I 1/?

think Danneel kind of helped him become a bit more liberal (okay that's not the word but more just relaxed and helped maybe with toxic masculinity etc - he didn't drink with straws until he was into his 30s etc). Which is why Danneel and Misha get on so well cause they're quite alike. 2/2

I get what you mean and as much as I believe Danneel brought him out of his shell, I don't think Jensen was ever in any shell, it was a perfectly curated image for his career. There is nothing wrong with that, we all have images to uphold when it comes to our jobs and public lives vis-à-vis our privates lives.

You may be wondering why I'm saying it was crafted image and not a shell. Remember Jensen when he came to Hollywood, a young 18-year-old fair-haired charming boy. He seemed so free and happy being with his best friend (read as bf imo) Ty.

Here are a few posts about Jensen and Ty, including photos and interviews.

Then, he joined Days of Our Lives and he had other "relationships" with men that were pretty sus and rumours started circulating that he was gay.

Even his friend Ty tweeted something rather weird

Maybe it has nothing to do with Jensen but...There’s a lot to unpack about his and Ty’s relationship. It’s mind boggling.

You also mentioned him drinking with straws until he was in his 30s. He said his dad told him that real men don’t drink through straws. That’s an odd thing for a father to say to their child. Was he worried that Jensen wasn’t “manly”? Like what would prompt a parent to say that to their child? I don’t want to assume anything but that statement gave me John Winchester vibes. The fact that also Jensen had to call his dad after every episode of spn aired to get his feedback is just nerve wrecking, I can’t even imagine what it was like for him. Maybe that’s why he left home as soon as he turned 18. He was supposed to go to college with Ty but he moved to Hollywood instead and Ty took a gap year to join him there and they became “roommates”. As I said, there’s a Lot to unpack from his past life. 

In Hollywood you need to have a certain public image to get certain jobs. Do you think if he were perceived as gay he would be cast as Dean? Of course not. So, I think he was always and still is that carefree guy he was back then but as you said Dee who is a rebel helped him shed his layers but he still had some left. And then Misha came along and it was like his whole world was turned upside down. He has said that Misha and Dee are twisted and very similar so I can't even imagine the chaos that is Misha, Dee and Vicki. Once Dee,  Misha and  Vicki came into his life, hewas now with people who lived their lives on their own terms, unapologetically. And it may have taken a while but he shed all of the shells he had. 

That's why the Jensen we saw on the gag reels was not the same Jensen we used to see on panels. He was always freer in panels where Misha was present be it a cockles panel or a J2M panel. He even started being overly affectionate by giving Misha behind the ear kisses on the red carpet, spanking him, caressing his face during public interviews etc.

I mean as the years went by he shed more of his shell to the point where he wasn't afraid of what people thought anymore and as much as some people may say straddlegate is not public, it is in the public domain, YouTube is in the public domain. It just takes a few keyboard strokes "Jensen 2019 cons" and jib10 will show up among other things.

He also went ahead to post that jib10 selfie on his IG. Which tbh is gay AF. I have never seen men stand dick to dick, nip to nip and abs to abs like that before unless they were on top of each other or against each other doing grown-up things.

So I think if he met Misha back then, it wouldn’t have ended well for them. Jensen was too focused on his career and how he is perceived while Misha used acting as a means to an end to reach more people for socio-political change. A goal he has achieved. Acting was never his endgame. So, I think that as much as they would have fallen madly in love when they were younger, it would’ve ended badly and we probably wouldn’t have gotten Misha playing Cas or destiel or cockles. In retrospect, maybe it could’ve still happened because by the time Misha joined the show, Jensen was starting to be his real self again thanks to Dee.

I'm rambling now. I hope this makes sense because I'm never sure if I make any sense.

#asks #anon #cockles #young jensen #young cockles #my ramblings