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dramatic-shitpost-poet · 11 months

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🦌(deercervidae): (hai im the same one who sent a few anon asks prior. youve prolly seen the username before and im on twitter and instagram) anyway

i love love love the idea of revs being born on Valentines Day (it fits the depressing nature of the show lol). he gets no bitches and he’s been lonely for about 6 decades and sometimes he thinks he was destined to be lonely since he was a baby until his death. but thanks to people like stephanie and orel in his life, it starts to change his pov on life a bit. sure, he’s still depressed, but hes glad hes got a two-person friend group to ease his loneliness and lonely heart.

iil think at some point his heart problems would be at an all time high and would develop a heart attack and be sent to the hospital to get some kind of cardio surgery. i hc him absolutely Hating hospitals and anything medical related so hed be terrified by the thought of having it. Or he would have cardiac arrest when he gets super old and dies from that

- he could die from a broken heart from being lonely forever and being born in Valentines Day (oh the irony)

and back to the ibs thing i saw that IBS is linked to appendicitis so he could get that at some point idk

and since putty hates hospitals stephanie would be there to comfort him and give him company and food when he recovers from whatever operations he has <33

ive also had a medical fixation as well in my younger teen years eeeee

that’s all i got for now for hc/story stuffs

Omg hey!!! I do recognize you. Might reach out on insta later if I have the energy.

Thank you for replying and giving HC, I need this shitttt.

I love your wording on this btw (might steal some to write fanfic if I have it in me). Revs probably only really saw love as romantic love as he chases after that constantly and I don't think he had the best sense of family love. I HC that his father was serving in WW1 or WW2 and away a lot. He either died in combat or returned home being a very distant person. His mother was more strict, constantly working, and not the best at being a parent. I also know he has siblings, but I see him as a middle child or older of some sorts and still very distant. I see Rod moving out asap so he doesn't have the best connection with family love which may also explain his complicated relationship with Stephanie and Orel. He had no role models and is just trying his best.

He constantly chased after romantic love as platonic is only now more so getting talked about and all the media since the beginning of time says that romantic love is a goal for everyone and it'll fix everything!! It's a weird subject but Revs bought into it and as a result, constantly felt like a failure and probably developed rejection sensitive dysphoria from how he was treated too.

It makes ALL the sense of Revs to eventually die of a broken heart as it matches with the story themes of Moral Orel and general physical health. I may be obsessing over this HC..

On the terms of what you are saying, I see him reaching a peak at around 70s or late 60s, after Moral Orel would end or close to the original ending of it timeline wise. He just ages and while he has family love more so now, he still lacks consistency (as both Steph and Orel have other families to go home too and I know Revs would like to *live* with someone constantly for consistency and to not feel alone). He also feels like he failed in many aspects due to depression, his age, etc.

This is a pile up of issues that he barely works on mentally that is combined with kinda a shitty diet and he also smokes, not making his organ issues better at all. It's not sudden, it builds up. I see him either having chest pains at his house or at church and calling Stephanie in a panic. Stephanie would take him to the hospital despite his protests because I think he would majorly have a fear of them (and needles specifically). He gets looked at immediately and probably grts surgery the same night because it's a legit emergency, if he waited he would have died, and low population yada yada. He would be glad Stephanie took him in but be grumpy about it and grumble, saying if God wanted him out he should of went. That and feeling like even MORE of a failure for having health issuss and feeling guilty for making his kid go through this. Stephanie would get mad at the God comment but be more gentle and reassuring for the others. I bet she wouldn't work for at least a week to watch over Revs.

Also, I know for a damn well fact Revs would be stubborn as hell, so Stephanie would have to FORCE him to lay on his back, not move or pick at anything, and take his meds.

After about a month, Stephanie would let Revs have some days where she isn't there again but she still checks on him more often.

I could very much do a fanfic idea with reader taking Stephanie's place as a caregiver after he has surgery. Either way, sweet. But canon, it would be Stephanie caring for him.

Also Orel would visit and be a questioning little autistic child which might make Revs feel insecure because of how personal the questions get, but Stephanie can guide the conversations and everything.

... one final note is I think Revs would be very grumpy and shy about his scars from surgery but dear god I wanna kiss them if he has them and make him a blushy shy mess. Old grumpy Reverend needs more love. Kiss him over his heart too for another personal touch💜

#moral orel #reverend putty #reverend rod putty #stephanie foamwire #stephanie putty #moral orel putty #orel puppington #anon answered #thanks anon!#same anon #anonymous #anon ask #heart #tw hospital

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starlinefactives · 11 months

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(ENG) Dealing with dysmorphia as a factive

— By Hyuka

Spanish version here: Link

Index ✨

Intro...

What to do during the crisis...

What to do after the crisis...

Remark and summary...

1. Intro⭐

Hi, I'm an introject of Hueningkai, one of the members of a K-pop group called TxT. As you can see I use Hyuka to refer to myself. I'm not going to explain what's an introject, what's DID, etc because I do this content by and for other introjects. More info about our project here: Link

In this post you'll find tips to manage easily the days where looking in the mirror, listening to yourself and remembering your "other life" hurts. Perhaps dysmorphia isn't the perfect term, since for us (factives) depersonalization's often mixed with this body distortion. We have a vivid reference to how we see ourselves, and I know firsthand how it can end up affecting physical & emotional health. So here we're 🤣

2. What to do during the crisis⭐

There are things that you can do but I recommend doing the hard stuff when the feeling doesn't cloud us so much... So:

0°) Right now isn't the time to look for answers.

First heal and feel better. In moments like this, it isn't necessary to look for concrete answers, if not to rest and seek personal care.

Things you could do at the moment:

1°) Don't look for photos/videos of your source on your bad days.

I know, or at least it happens to me, I begin to sink into photos but they only widen the abyss between feeling better and the current moment. It doesn't mean you must never watch them, of course you can enjoy watching videos/photos/etc. but when you feel good... Not when you're hating the body of the system.

2°) Avoid mirrors. Reflection from the phone included.

Something that has helped me is that if the peak of discomfort catches me at a meeting/family gathering/similar and they want a group photo, I don't look at it at the moment (Other alter will do it some days after, for example). So you don't deprive yourself of creating beautiful memories for the day that we will can look at ourselves.

3°) Try to call another alter to the inner or the front to help you.

Be careful, not that they remove you from the front, from the conscience and TADAA. No, I mean someone to accompany you. Something that our therapist told us is to avoid sudden switches and seek accompaniment as far as possible. Once you are accompanied, if the situation allows it, try to focus on taking care of yourself physically and mentally.

4°) When you cannot reason with your thoughts; distract yourself.

There must be something you like to do that is not related to your source, even if it is sleeping, walking, calling a friend on the system, listening to other types of music...

3. What to do after the crisis⭐

These activities are the ones that could help you prevent and make dysmorphia peaks more manageable.

5°) Silence words that may trigger you in social media.

For example, for me they are weight and food themes. One day, the cookies on my phone detected this, it began an automatic and continuous barrage of suggestions for weight loss apps, of people talking nonsense and insulting each other. If I had taken my own advice earlier, I wouldn't have this problem now. Highly recommended //teasing tone

6°) Find a "safe outfit", if you are able find a style.

It doesn't have to be the same as in your source, just have to help the skin feel more yours. It can also help with dysphoria. This is more inherited dysphoria-themed advice from those before me in the system; our body's afab and most alters are male or non-binary.

7°) Prepare a small emergency kit with thing that you like, things that calm you down, may with a list of thing you verified before that works…

Even if it's a simple list stuck in a corner of your room, it will already make it easier for you when you start to feel bad. In my case, I have this in TO DO list... so don't try to self-impose perfection (But I'll make the kit, I promise, in due time).

8°) Remember what makes you yourself which I assure you is not just your source.

Another thing I have in TO DO list... In my case, it's really hard to validate myself without comparing me to Hueningkai (he and I have a toxic relationship //joke). I invite you to make a list as well with what friends, other alters, yourself, etc see in you that makes you be youself 💖

9°) Familiarize yourself with the face of the system.

One of our alters spent a few moments looking at ourselves in the mirror and meditating on what the face of the system was like during his front. He has the advantage of being calm and rational, maybe it will take us more to get to that point... but trying little by little can help us in the long run.

4. Remark and summary⭐

Of the five factives I'm the one that manage this issue the worst, that's why i wanted to agroup everything here and share it. It's very complicated, and even with the therapist I haven't dared to confess that I'm an introjection of an idol, btw… but step by step, don't hope perfection one day to another. I like to keep on mind that my system is with me and that I'm just as valid to making friends & just existing as any other human being.

I leave you the summary in a decorated list~ Thanks for reading my first long post!

Tips against dysmorphia as factives:

In crisis it is not time to look for answers 🪐

Don't look for photos/videos of your source on your bad days 🌎

Avoid mirrors 🌜

Try to call another alter to the inner/front that goes along with you 🌌

When you can't reason with your thoughts; distract yourself 🛸

Silence words that may trigger you on social media 🌒️

Find a "safe outfit", if you are able find a style 🌕️

Prepare a small emergency kit 🚀

Remember what makes you yourself 👽

Get familiar step by step with the face of the system 🔭

#english is not my first language please be nice #i did my best #thanks for reading really #factive #didsystem #kpopfactive

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harleyquinnzelz · 2 years

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Personal Update

Just some life update stuff since I went radio silent for a month.

Okay so I finally geared myself up to post about this here, on my blog, for you guys to see. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind for a few weeks because I went from steadily putting out fresh content to... well, nothing. I was constantly motivated to create, to put out new and fresh edits. I was writing regularly, making actual progress on fics. It felt great. I was in a wonderful mental state, working on writing a fic that I love, with ocs that I adore. Beyond that, I was lucky enough to have multiple outlets where I could gush about these ocs, and more specifically where I was able to have wonderful conversations with friends about all of our ocs. Really, I was in a wonderful mental state, probably the best I had been in for a long time.

Then, on August 14th, after a week spent at my parents’ house dog-sitting, I came home to learn that one of our cats, Guppy, had unexpectedly died literally within 10 minutes of my arriving home. Look, I know I don’t share much personal stuff on this blog. I like to stay pretty private in public posts, but those of you who know me well know that I adore my cats, so coming home to learn that one of them had died, after I had spent a week away was devastating.

I won’t go into too many details here, but a little over a year ago Guppy unexpectedly got outside. We are very good at keeping our cats inside usually but a repairman was working on something in the house and at some point she had slipped outside. By the time we had found her, she was under the house and it took us a while to coax her out. Once we had, we realized at some point she had gotten injured and fractured her jaw. What followed was a series of vet trips to our local emergency clinic, surgery, and a diagnosis of FIP. We were hopeful that it was a false positive in the test as the months went by and Guppy seemed to have fully recovered. For those of you who don’t know, FIP has many neurological side-effects and over the course of a year we noticed no signs that there was anything wrong. We thought for sure that Guppy was going to be just fine, so her sudden passing hit hard. She was only three years old, after all, and an energetic, playful cat. On top of her sudden death was the very real worry that it was some other kind of sickness and that our other cat, Reid, may have gotten infected.

Now, while Guppy was a family cat, Reid is and has always been my cat, brought with me when I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. He’s my best friend, and I love him more than I could put into words. He is also much older than Guppy was so there was a very real fear that I could potentially lose him as well. Thankfully, an emergency check-up with our vet showed that, aside from an asthma diagnosis, Reid is perfectly healthy for his age. Our vet was also kind enough to offer us some insight into the potential cause for Guppy’s sudden passing. As thankful as I am that Reid is okay, with that confirmation came grief over Guppy and, as could be expected, my mental health took a dive. Pair that with falls imminent arrival (seriously guys the seasonal depression gets bad) and just... mentally I was not doing great. And my creative outlets suffered for it.

I know it seems silly to complain about that but seriously, I’m a creative person and having something to focus that creative energy on really help my mental state. On top of that, with no current hyperfixation (again, I know it’s a silly thing to worry about) I felt listless. I had nowhere to focus creative energy, despite desperately wanting to create.

So now it’s a month later and... look, I’m not going to say that I’m feeling better. I still miss Guppy, and I am anticipating the end of summer when the season depression will hit hard, but I am finally getting into the swings of creating again. I don’t know yet what the game plan is, I’m torn between working on either my Scream fic or my Stranger Things fic, but you guys can expect some updated character intros (to the surprise of absolutely nobody I’ve changed a lot of characters face claims) so hopefully that will inspire me to actually write.

A bit of good news to end what is otherwise a very depressing post, we have recently become the temporary home of a mama cat who gave birth to four, that’s right four, adorable kittens, two of which we are planning on keeping for ourselves. They are absolutely precious and have recently begun to walk and I think watching their growth has helped all of us start to process our grief regarding Guppy.

But yeah, that’s what’s going on in my life currently, and this post ended up being far longer than I intended, but I’m going to try to start making content again, and I’m in the process of getting my queue up and going (And if I’ve missed posts I’ve been tagged in over the a last month I am so sorry you guys). I’m also, tentatively, working towards starting to do art commissions for character designs and am in the process of building up a bit of a portfolio of sorts. Basically, I’m trying to be productive and we’ll just have to see how that works. Anyway, I love you guys and wanted to thank any of you who have been patient enough to stick around after a month of exactly 0 content.

#cat talks #personal update #that ended up being waaay to long #so sorry about that

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ronnie-azumane · 3 years

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Haikyuu guys as stuff my dad did

This idea has been in my brain for a while, so I'm writing it out. Hope y'all enjoy :)

CW: idn, its pretty wholesome

Daichi answers your frantic phone call home expressing that you forgot your backpack and laptop for college when you went home over the weekend. Expressing that all of your notes are in the backpack, he decides to wake-up extra early Monday morning and make the 2 1/2 hour drive to your university, then drive all the way back to your hometown to go to work.

Sugawara came up with the best hiding spot for you while playing hide and seek at your 7th birthday party. He squeezed you in-between the back of the couch and the back couch cushions. Then, he sat in front of it to conceal the awkward lump it made in the couch. It took the others 30 minutes before giving up and telling you to come out.

Asahi asks you to style his hair for a zoom meeting he has later that day. After some deliberation, you both decide to do a mohawk style. He braces himself as you run off to get the brush, hairspray, hair gel, and hairdryer.

Nishinoya still wears the Annoying Orange shirt you got him when you were in 3rd grade. It's faded and has a giant picture of Annoying Orange on it, which faded from popularity in 2010, but he still wears it. In public.

Tanaka makes the dumbest jokes while in the audience of your colorguard/dance competitions. For example, he asked your mom if he should shout "Go get 'em George" to the group of girls performing to confuse everyone. Another favorite joke o his is to chant "the worm, the worm,, we worship the worm" while the previous team is carrying out their floor.

Ennoshida talks with you as you make one of the biggest changes in your life. Midway through your second semester at university, you determine that business is not for you, however, you do not have a backup plan. Talking with him, you end up changing your major to Geography, and now you love every second of it.

Kageyama drinks the milk out of you cereal. You hate the taste of milk by itself, but you don't want to eat dry cereal. To not waste milk, he drinks it after you finish eating your cereal.

Hinata fails miserably when your mom tells him to reapply the medical glue on your forehead. The day before, your sister threw a wooden block at you, causing a major tear in your head. Your mom took you to the emergency room, but they were busy and it was a school night, so they told her to just take some liquid band aid (which we called glue) and close the wound. Your mom told him to replace the glue, and he took ELMERS GLUE and placed it on the open wound. It hurt like a bitch.

Tsukishima takes you to go see the museum of natural history once a month. He knows you're the odd girl out of your class that would rather play with dinosaurs than dolls, so he takes you to see the dinosaur fossils. He also gets a discount because his place of work donated a significant amount of money and resources to one of the exhibits.

Yamaguchi helped set up your setup once you moved to zoom university. He attached your laptop to a monitor his job had extra, so now you feel like a badass whenever you use the two screens.

Oikawa out of nowhere invites all his high school friends over to stay the week at your house. A trip that probably should have been planned in weeks, even months, is planned in just a weekend. Everyone ends up sleeping on air mattresses and blankets on the floor due to your mom just finishing up replacing the floors in the house (she was not too happy with the sudden trip, but was welcoming anyway)

Iwaizumi makes you watch Godzilla with him whenever it's on TV. Some of his fondest memories include receiving Godzilla themed ornaments from his mom ever Christmas. He also unironically watches those cheesy fan-made Godzilla fights on YouTube for hours on end. Man just likes Godzilla.

Hanamaki and you wear funny hats to a volunteer cookout. The organizers told every one to wear a hat so that their hair didn't get in the food, but you two take it a step further. You wear a banana hat while he wears a hotdog hat.

Matsukawa taught you how to make all kinds of breakfast food at a young age. Whether it was a simple as a fried egg or as complex as French toast, he worked with you until the recipe came out perfect.

Kyotani scares the other parents off when it comes to the silent auction selling the class are projects. Now the shelf you and your kindergarten classmates fingerprinted flowers and bugs on sits proudly in your closet holding crafting supplies.

Ushijima scolds you for leaving the lights on. Most parents do that already, but he takes it to a new extreme. Your mom explains that he would never turn the lights on in his apartment when he was in college and would simply get his homework done before dark. Sometimes, if he had something to do, he would light a candle to finish something up.

Tendou recalls a story in which he stole a bus battery with his buddies to power an air conditioned tent at boy scout camp. He also recalls the year he and his friends tried to build a pool in the wilderness at the same count, only to get caught and reprimanded for it before filling it with water which totally had nothing to do with a camp counselor finding it and having a Vietnam flashback

Goshiki watches anime with you. He always acts like he is uninterested in whatever show is on, but he soon gets super into it and it will be the only thing he talks about for a week.

Kuroo sits at the table with you until 2am working on that math assignment you have been struggling with. You've definitely run out of tears to cry, and had to redo the assignment twice, but he is guiding you through the answers

Yaku isn't a fan of all the pets you and your mom have collected over the years. I mean, in his defense, at one point we had 8 cats an 3 dogs. However, he is also super cuddly with them, always giving them nose boops and belly rubs.

Kenma plays Xbox, Wii, and the ds with you. He doesn't find the bulk of the games you play with him entertaining, but he is willing to run through LEGO Star Wars with you. His personal favorite to play is Mario Kart and he doesn't let you win >:(

Lev is trying to convince the family to let him take the position in Alaska with higher pay. When mom raised the concern that the long winters wouldn't do well for your mental health, his counter argument was, "Yeah, and that sucks, but hear me out. We could have a pet Polar Bear." We didn't move to Alaska

Bokuto was definitely the most enthusiastic dad at the girl scout father daughter dance. He twirled you around in your pretty little JC Penney dress and made sure you two were the center of the dance floor. At one point, he lifted you above his head with each foot in a hand like a cheerleader. Truly terrifying.

Akaashi drives out to the 24-hour pharmacy to pick up some cold medicine when you couldn't sleep due to a stuffy nose. He also checks up on you every hour when you are coughing with some mysterious disease (due to the lack of tests and priority of the high-risk, I will never know if I had Covid when I got sick in late March)

Aone gives you the biggest hug after you get released from the graduation ceremony. He isn't the best with words, so this hug speaks so much to you.

Terushima has been taking you to Mardi Gras in New Orleans since you were a baby. He doesn't care that it's mostly an adult party, he believes that everyone in the family should enjoy a good ol' Mardi Gras

Atsumu carries you on his shoulders all the time when you're small. He just thinks it's the cutest thing.

Osamu makes sure to host a crawfish boil every year. Whether its the neighbors, family, both, or just the household, you can expect some good, spicy crawfish with corn and potatoes whenever he cooks.

Kita teaches you how to drive a stick shift. He's frustrated that you cant move three feet before stalling, but then realizes that the issue was that you were in third gear, not first. He is now impressed that you were even able to start moving at third gear.

Sakusa takes you along with him to work. His job is full of tough men, so when they see him with you in a little blue dress-up tutu and a plastic tiara on your head, their hearts just melt.

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jamestrmtx · 3 years

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Fairytale Complex - [Undertale | Sans x Reader]

[Gender Neutral, Frisk's Parent Reader | Slow Burn]

Chapter Six | Dogbass (Part 2 of 2 | His POV)

[First] | [Previous] | [Next]

They stand up like an undead from their grave, almost stumbling to get back to their feet and taking up all the strength they have left to stare at the man with a somber gaze. One look at their face tells they're about to either blow up or faint, the latter Sans assumes more of them based on what he knew about them so far. He stays closer by as a result and tries not to intervene yet, finding himself watching by the sidelines as he always seemed to do even before his life here on the Surface.

"I'm aware I can't just trust these people easily, but that doesn't mean they aren't worthy of being heard." They take a breath far too shaky and followed by a pause far too lasting. "I… I may not be the best (mother/father) out there, but I do care. And I'll show that by making sure I'm aware of the monsters' actions while still allowing my child to keep being friends with them." The skeleton takes his gaze elsewhere when he notices a camera flash from nearby. The owners behind those devices, most recording and some taking snaps of the scene, are either snickering or left with their mouths agape as they continue to engrave the scene both in their phones and minds. "I'll accept whatever decision CPS makes in terms of Frisk's safety, but for now, I…" The human interrupts their own sentence when they stumble, cutting his idea of dealing with those nosy people short. "I…"

They take a slow step back, huff out an exhausted breath, and -- without missing a beat -- stumble again and fall back. The skeleton takes a leap and stands behind them, nulling their fall with his own body. The last words to leave them are incoherent mumbles, and their half-lidded eyes close shut as they press their face against his chest for support.

The man continues with his rant regardless, pricking some annoyance into Sans's mind as he attempts to tune out the noise and concentrate more on the human in his arms.

"Hey," he calls out, louder the second time when it goes unheard. "Can you stay quiet for a sec? They're sick."

"Oh, they're sick alri-"

"He said shut up."

A familiar voice helps him deal with the man, though he doesn't care over who the person is right now. Instead, he drags the fainted human with him back to an empty seat and thanks another when she offers hers. As more people spread out, he's provided with more space to spread their body across the seats left out for them, taking up three in total.

"(Y/N)?"

His call is responded to by another mumble, much weaker and quieter than the last. He sighs and takes their face with one hand, using the other to keep their body from falling off. "Can you open your eyes for me, please? I need you to look at me."

Sans reminds himself of their satchel and turns his gaze around to see the man he'd given up his seat to's thought the same way as him. He gives it to him and helps keep (Y/N) in place while he takes a look inside, retrieving a first aid kit from its contents. The monster whispers a blessing under his breath and turns back around, nodding for the man to step back to his seat while he returns to tending to the fainted human. "Thank you."

The man nods back and receives help from the earlier woman as he limps back to his seat. Hushed fighting noises can be heard between the man who started the fight and the man quelling it, though once more, the skeleton can care less about the owner of that voice as he tries to focus more on the situation at hand. "(Y/N)," he calls out, louder this time. "Do somethin' if you can still hear me."

Another quiet mumble leaves their mouth as they furrow their gaze, likely troubled by a pointed headache -- or what could be a migraine at this point. He stops crouching and kneels next to them instead, taking a few more items from their belongings after he's settled himself next to them. A soft but sudden swerve from the bus sends them too close to the edge, though he manages to gather some Karma from the earlier event, strong enough for him to create a barrier and keep them from following off the makeshift hospital bed. His hands are shaking, though he doesn't acknowledge it. Be it from the agreement's terms looming over him or the human in his hands far too weak for them to last another hour -- or a mixture of both -- he's not initially sure of, but another look at their scrunched up face and how their expression's furrow turns far more harsh and denoting of their ill state makes him dismiss the consequences of the agreement and concentrate more on the health of the human he was barely just getting to know well enough as a potential friend.

He sits down on another of the few empty chairs left out for him and suspends his body over theirs, struggling to meet with their face due to the difference in height despite how little it is compared to most of the people he knew. The human was no taller than his brother, but even then they were still tall enough to make him out to be the shortest when compared with them. His hand reaches out for their face again, and he comes across a cold, cold temperature, sufficient for his soul to jolt in response to it. People around seem to notice what's going on -- be it for his expression or not he isn't paying attention to now though -- and tell the bus driver to hurry, heightening the possibility of a bumpier ride, but leveling out the risks of the human dying on the spot.

While the bus continues to move, the monster continues to find more ways for helping with the situation. He starts by performing CPR on them, but carries on with his original plan when the human doesn't respond to the treatment. He goes off to prepare some alcohol swabs by dousing a few cotton balls and pads with the substance and pressing one after another against their nose, until they manage to cough and open their eyes, even if just a little and even if they end up closing these again.

The monster breathes out a sigh as he realizes it's not lack of oxygen but rather weakness overall, weighing down on their body hard enough to make their breathing scarce and their body and mind equally unresponsive. A shiver crosses with his spine when he imagines the state they could've ended up in had Frisk gone missing for longer than they had. If almost two months of their absence had caused this much of a change in (Y/N)'s health, another one more could've likely been enough to end their life, be it accidentally or -- harder to think about -- purposefully.

"Please, do somethin' again if you can still hear me," he says, setting those thoughts aside.

A hand reaches for his own when he says that, landing just the right amount of gentle for it to pass off as a winter breeze or a ghost's touch.

It doesn't squeeze at his nor does it move from that spot, but that action alone of having their hand move that much helps him relax some more while he waits to arrive at a hospital.

• • •

"What's your relationship with (miss/mister) (L/N)?" the nurse asks.

"I'm an acquaintance," he replies, obtaining a cautious look from the man.

It's made clear that, with how quick he is to bring that question up hardly seconds after seeing the mentioned person be taken away for emergency care, he's eager to set things straight -- and fast.

The monster stretches when the nurse leaves, in dire need of that after carrying the human all the way from the bus stop to the hospital's entrance. The nurse, on the other hand, prepares all the necessary documents for their stay at the front desk, leaving him alone to observe the hospital's indoors from where he's told to wait at, from the white interior to the distinctive smell of sterility. Even the few people who'd helped the monster with the situation at the train stay close by, some sitting by the waiting room with him and others standing near the doorway, but without obstructing any other potential emergency or those going in and out.

When the nurse returns with the papers, Sans takes out the agreement letter and shows it to him. He receives an almost immediate answer as to what the nurse thinks about his relationship with the patient just by the apologetic look on his face, directed at the letter as he reads through it. His face scrunches up, and he offers that look at the monster before giving the letter back to him. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait nearby while a family member or a partner gets here. Have you contacted anyone yet?"

"Yeah." He nods, hands slipping into his pockets as per custom, though now's more of a nervous tick rather than how it tended to be: relaxed and unbothered. "Their aunt should be here soon."

"How soon, sir?"

"Uh, like…" He checks his phone. "Like four hours. It'd take longer, but one of my friends is gonna pick up their kid later to help her get 'ere quicker."

The nurse crosses his arms, sighs, and gives a knowing yet heartfelt look at him. "What can you do to prove you're trustworthy, then? I need someone we can trust to test something on the patient." His eyes narrow as he scrutinizes the skeleton's face and overall attire. "You're a scientist, right?"

"Used to be."

"Good enough for the occasion. Could you come here with me for a second? There's something we think could help your friend out, but we need the approval of someone knowledgeable from the Underground -- someone who knows better about this kind of stuff than we do." He lets his arms go and eases his expression with a smile. "If you do that, you can check on the patient soon -- with a nurse's close supervision, of course."

Not really giving too much thought to the situation, Sans shrugs and agrees with an 'alright'. "What's your doubt?" he asks.

"I need to show it to you," the nurse replies. "It's about a strange substance discovered in some humans after they fall to the Underground."

Sans accompanies the man to his desk, who takes a small set of keys from his back pocket, unlocks the bottom drawer, and motions for him to stand close by. "It has a rather… risky medical history, so we wanted to ask someone with more knowledge before doing anything too rash." From there, he takes out a thin but tall, unlabeled glass bottle and leaves an empty syringe behind. Just from the neon red colour of the substance and its viscosity, both qualities able to be seen thanks to the material it's contained in, Sans already has his answer: no.

Determination was far from safe when injected on rather than when it naturally came to be. Even humans could feel the aftereffects of such a strong substance in their veins, and for most monsters, it was either lethal, fatal, or dangerous enough to deform them for life. He hesitates at the thought of it being used for malicious reasons, but eases up a bit when taking into account how the nurse is practically showing his discovery to him without any need for secrets or lies. He assumes that -- if the man were to have any bad intentions -- he wouldn't simply be flaunting the substance around or acting that nonchalant about its existence.

"It's not safe," is the first thing he says, words almost rushing from his teeth. "Injecting that to a human -- or anyone, actually -- is taking a huge risk. That substance should come naturally, and not by injecting it into the subject's body."

The nurse frowns, but relents. He sets the bottle back where it was, closes the drawer, and locks it back down. Then, he turns back to the monster and adds, "So considering those risks, you agree the treatment's off the question for this patient?"

"Definitely. It's better to do some more research before getting in on anythin', even if some of our past scientists did experiment with that substance at the Underground."

Nodding, he steps aside from the desk and gestures for the skeleton to follow him off to the hallway, far from the entrance and the waiting rooms. As they both walk, the man stays quiet and appears lost in thought, though that changes when he stops meeting the floor during his daze and asks, "Could you at least give me more details on this substance later, then?"

Sans agrees with a quiet hum, not in uncertainty, but due to being lost in thought himself. "As long as it ain't used on anybody for testin', then sure. We can work on that."

The man stops walking and lights up with a smile. "Excellent!" he exclaims, almost beaming in response. "Follow me to the patient's room. I'll have another one of our nurses watch over you while I'm gone."

He smiles back, though a bit late due to the topic still occupying his mind. "Thank you."

• • •

The room's North Pole cold, bleak, and dimly lit, though the latter's fixed when the nurse meant to watch over him passes through the hallway. She turns a few more lights on and stands in front the open door, greeting him with a stern gaze. A notepad rests in her arms, written on to such an extent that there's more ink rather than paper.

In enters the woman, brown skinned and brunette compared to the pale and ginger haired man from earlier ago. Wrinkles can be seen on her face, revealing her to be older compared to the seemingly novice nurse who attended him before. A few grey hairs stick out this way and that, though her professionally tidy bun masks most of it away with a scrunchie.

"Stay in that chair, sir, and don't get near the patient," she demands, staring down at him. "And please hand over the agreement letter. We require a copy of it to have proof of your acquaintanceship with the patient."

He does as told, both in terms of keeping his distance from (Y/N) and in giving her the letter. "Why the distance, though?" he asks. "Is it somethin' contagious?"

"No." Her forbidding look deepens and almost turns to a glare. "We simply do not want you touching the patient unless it is absolutely necessary."

It takes him a second to process the sentence, though he nods after that's done with. "I understand." He walks to where she points at, though stays standing as he continues to talk with her. "Could I know what's their condition, then? It... kinda looked like a panic attack, but then they also told me they didn't eat or sleep well for the past two months."

Appearing surprised for just a moment, the woman returns to her sedate expression as she checks her notepad again. "Well…" She huffs. "You're not too far off. Both of their symptoms combined and worsened each other out, which resulted in them becoming that weak." She then takes out a cellphone from her pocket and unlocks it, tapping on the screen a few times before having a sound play, likely from a recent, viral video based on what's spoken throughout it. "Would you care to look at this recording for a minute? One of the witnesses present during the incident caught you acting rather… strangely with the patient." The nurse gives the phone over, though she hesitates when her hand brushes with his, an act of hesitation masked by a stern visage.

The first thing he sees when replaying the video is nothing out of the ordinary given the situation displayed: him giving CPR to someone in need of that treatment. It's not until he remembers how touchy such a subject can be considering the factors of who he is and his reputation on the Surface -- and even more so when taken out of context -- that he understands why she's made that comment. "I was giving 'em CPR. Be a bit weird if it'd be doing anythin' else considerin' the situation, don't ya think?" He looks up from the video of him placing pressure on their chest and giving them mouth-to-mouth (or at least, his technically was one, taking into account that thing he could do with his skull whenever he ate or drank something; it was a thing most of the comments on Phrasebook talked about rather than over what's happening to the human in need: the strange malleability of the monster's skull, with some others questioning over how he could even be performing CPR despite not having any lungs) as he tries to bring air back into their system, and holds back the urge to point out how obvious that situation is. "What's wrong with that?"

"Couldn't have someone else done it? There were plenty of people present."

"I'd say that's a bit of an insensitive question to ask after what they've been through."

"Answer my question, sir."

Sans sighs and hands the phone back to her. "It was a moment of high tension. I couldn't help what happened back there, and if I did wait 'til someone else showed up, that would heighten the chances of me losing 'em before they could get 'ere."

"Maybe so, but that first treatment gave no results. They remained in a coma until you rubbed alcohol on their nose. If you knew that would work, then why did you not do that in the first place?"

"Same reason why I didn't wait 'til someone else came to give 'em CPR. It was a moment of rush n' panic."

"But you were still-"

"...Sans?"

For what has to be the first time since meeting the human, the monster feels relieved at hearing them call him by his casual name. It's a faint and strained attempt, revealing they've used all their strength just to call out for him. Never he would've imagined feeling so pleased at hearing a still-to-be friend's voice, nor does he allow himself to let his other type of imagination run wild, one related to the warmth he feels in his soul when turning to their side and seeing them awake -- weak and confused, but still there.

"What happened?" they ask, frowning. "Are… Are you okay?"

He tries to approach them, though he soon receives a warning from the nurse not to. "I'm, uh… I'm alright," he says, replying from the distance of the chair he's been told to sit on. "Don't really think it's helpful to ask this, but… What about you?"

They chuckle and a smile keeps itself on their face. "Everything hurts, but I feel way better than I did back at the bus."

He grins. "This's probably a wild guess, but has it gotta do with having no one screamin' at you?"

They nod and let their smile grow, albeit at the cost of triggering a sudden and visibly acute headache. "Definitely," they reply.

"And having nobody else gossipin' about it?"

"That, too." Their smile fades as they say that. "Could you... come over here for a moment?"

Sans spares a glance at the nurse, only to receive a quick nod in approval and a hint of a smile. Though left unsure as to what's caused such a sudden change in her temperament, he takes up the opportunity without protest and stands next to (Y/N), waiting for them. "What's up?" he asks.

The human makes an effort to stand up, but fails soon after. To make up for that, they reach out for his hand and squeeze it, smile making its comeback as they reply with, "Thank you." A pause follows as they let go of his hand, tucking theirs under the sheets. "You've acted far sweeter than that dog we met at the park today."

"Settin' some high standards here, huh?"

They let out a laugh. "It… hurts when I do this." So instead, they grin. "Never thought being happy would be so painful."

The skeleton grins back at them and quirks an iris, estranged by their feelings and their choice of words alike. "Even after what you've been through today?"

They nod. "Even after all that, I'm... I'm happy now."

[First] | [Previous] | [Next]

• • •

Hope y'all have a decent New Year's Eve! This's the last update of this year, so here's to wishing 2021 is a little bit better for all of us. It's unrealistic to say things will be back to normal at the drop of a hat, but there's no harm in staying hopeful for a better future.

Take care, and stay safe! ❤️

• • •

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@the-simp-express

@nektotersh

#sans x reader #undertale x reader #lgbt #lgbt themes #gender neutral reader #male reader #female reader #mother reader #father reader #parent reader #chubby reader #long fic #romcom #adventure #mystery #platonic relationships #slow burn

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imalifegen89 · 3 years

Text

A Legacy Left Behind - Chapter - 7 - When the Past Unfurls - Part I

Rating: Mature

Category: M/M

Fandoms: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1, Hawaii Five-0 (2010)

Relationship: Steve McGarrett/John Sheppard

Characters: Steve McGarrett, John Sheppard, Danny "Danno" Williams, Evan Lorne, Bates (Stargate), Laura Cadman, Alicia Vega, Kono Kalakaua, Adam Noshimuri, PO Higgins (OC), Samantha "Sam" Carter, Jack O'Neill, John McGarrett, Dr. Lam, Catherine Rollins, Wo Fat, Original Goa'uld Character(s), Original Characters

Additional Tags: Action/Adventure, Action & Romance, Military, Hurt/Comfort, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Violence, Character Bashing, Not Catherine Rollins Friendly, No DADT, Swearing

Summary :

"Sure John, I'll call," He promised as the SUV came to a stop in front of them. He and Danny both got in and seated themselves. He then gave a short wave to John who was still standing there by the exit watching them leave. Steve hoped what John had told him would be true, that his dad would be able to make it through. He was not ready to lose his only remaining parent. ‘God please, not again! Not so soon ...' His mind was repeating the mantra as Steve let out a weary sigh and closed his eyes."

Steve will find out about what happened to his father, who was involved in it, why it happened and so much more than he ever bargained for...

Hello All, Here's the next part of the series, and it's a two-parter. There are some plot twists on the way and hope you all will enjoy it.

Aethir - Thank you so much for your hard work and for finding some time to help me with editing, commenting, and giving out very helpful tips and suggestions. Idea bouncing and snark is always so much fun with you!!!

Part 1 - Honolulu General

Honolulu General Hospital

Hawaii

The six-hour-long flight in the old and noisy Globemaster had left both SEALs travel-weary and sleep-deprived. Neither had talked much during the flight, trying to catch a few hours of shut-eye, but among the jarring engine noise, the comms chatter, the endless shuddering, and the training maneuvers, that had been impossible. At the end of the flight, they had thanked the crew and disembarked with relief, each carrying their single duffel.

They were both on leave and therefore in civilian clothes, and instead of the usual armory they carried around, they only had their handguns and with extra clips in their bags. Although they were only making a visit to the hospital, neither of them was willing to go completely unarmed.

A short taxi ride brought them to the hospital from Hickam closer to the midday visiting hours. They figured if needed, they could wait in the hospital until they could see John McGarrett.

……….

"Hello, My name’s Steve McGarrett, I got a call last night about my father. Somebody named Curtis called me," said Steve, presenting his credentials to the male nurse manning the reception area of the Outdoor-Patient-Department. The nurse - L. Rider, according to his name tag - gave Steve and his ID a once over and started accessing his system.

"Yes, Mr. McGarrett, your father's been moved from the ICU. He’s in room 308. You can take that elevator to the left," he informed.

“Thanks.”

Steve and Danny both took off towards the given directions.

The room Steve's father was in wasn't hard to find. It was located on the third floor and the room had the number and the name 'John McGarrett' on a plaque clearly displayed. It also had 'Dr. Leonard T. Lester - Cardiologist' listed as his primary care physician.

"I'm going to go look around and find some coffee. Do you need anything?" Danny asked. He was going to give his friend some time with his dad before going in.

"Yeah sure, I could use some coffee.”

……….

During the six long hours he’d had to think about what happened, Steve’s mind had been busy contemplating some horrible scenarios. He hadn’t realized that he had been subconsciously bracing himself for the worst. Nobody in his family had any history of heart attacks and he didn't know what to expect, what to do or how to prepare. Being the trained planner that he was, Steve found the lack of knowledge rather unsettling.

What the nurse at the reception told him, gave him hope though. He theorized that since his dad's already been moved from the ICU to a regular room, his condition shouldn't be that bad.

Steve took a moment to compose himself, watching Danny as he walked away. Then he took a deep breath and knocked on the door before entering room 308.

……….

He stood still by the door to take the scene in.

His dad was lying on the bed and a white and blue hospital gown was peeking out from underneath the white blanket. There was a monitor attached to his chest and Steve could see the leads disappear through the opening of his gown. The apparatus was quiet and its screen indicated a steady rhythm while John McGarrett slept. Steve noticed there was an IV connected to his dad's left hand as well. He scrunched up his nose when the strong odor of antiseptics hit him in the face, contrasting starkly with the smell of gun oil and Old Spice aftershave he usually associated with his dad.

McGarrett senior was sleeping peacefully and didn't seem to be in any pain. Steve was content to let his dad be, preferring to let him wake up on his own. As he stepped further into the room, he saw a chair by the bed and lowered himself to it slowly, mindful not to make a sound. Then he placed his duffel bag on the floor and settled in to wait.

Maybe it was his instincts of being an active duty police officer - John McGarrett surfaced from his slumber knowing that there was somebody in the room with him, within a few minutes of Steve’s entrance. The slight change in the rhythm of the heart monitor alerted Steve to the fact. Not wanting to startle him, Steve leaned forward and addressed his father softly.

"Hey dad," he reached to touch his hand, the one without the IV needle.

"Steve!" His dad's eyes went wide, realizing his son was sitting by the bed. "What are you doing here?" John knew Steve was deployed and he was the last person he expected to see in the hospital this early. He hadn’t even been in here for 24 hours.

"The hospital called me and told me you had a heart attack," Steve explained. He was relieved to see that his dad was speaking clearly and wasn't showing any signs of disorientation or pain. In fact, he looked quite normal. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright," John smiled at the raised eyebrow he received from his son at that. So he elaborated. "Just a little tightness in my chest area. But the doctor says it's normal after an attack. Other than that, I really am feeling fine. To be honest, I didn't even know what it was. I only knew I had a heart attack when Dr. Lester told me this morning," He was more curious as to how his son got here so quickly. "Where were you when they called you?"

"Colorado Springs." Steve smiled. He couldn't really get into details about his deployment or his whereabouts other than that, but he was glad that he was in the States to make this trip.

"Hah, and you’re here already. That was quick,"

"Yeah, I got lucky and caught a transport.”

Steve was more than happy to just sit there and exchange pleasantries all day long. But he needed to know what happened first. He got up to go and fetch a glass of water for his father from the bedside table. "Dad, what happened?"

His dad took it and drank some water before handing it back to Steve. Then he turned on his bed to fully settle on his back. Steve put the glass away and leaned towards his dad, giving him his full, undivided attention.

"It was the weirdest thing, kid," said the senior McGarrett, frowning as he cast his mind back to the chain of events that led to his sudden health failure. “I was in that small grocery shop by the filling station near home. I had just finished filling up the tank on the truck and was getting some stuff for the weekend. I remember walking towards the counter to pay and that’s it - for the life of me, I can't remember having any pain or calling for help or anything. I was standing there one moment and was waking up on this bed the next.” He paused to take a deep breath and then exhale slowly. “Then there’s this fellow - Dr. Lester - is telling me how lucky I was to come back from a severe myocardial infarction with no visible damage to my heart,” he made a face, remembering his earlier conversation with the overly cheerful doctor who described the incident in vivid medical detail.

“How’d you get here?”

“He said that the shop owner called for emergency services and sent me here. Apparently, I coded on the way, but they managed to get my heart started again without much fuss. And now, here I am.” John finished recounting the incident.

Steve rubbed a hand across his face, trying to take it all in.

“I wouldn’t obviously know what to expect, it’s not like I’ve had a heart attack before - but I'd have thought that at least you get some kind of a warning sign, you know? Like breathing difficulties, chest pain or something,” McGarrett senior continued after a moment. “Not this going about your normal day-to-day business, and then a complete blackout, followed by waking up in a damn hospital bed - it just doesn't feel normal,” his frown deepened.

Steve didn’t say anything for a long while. He just took his time to sit there and watch his dad who seemed to be doing pretty much okay after going through such an experience. He was immensely relieved and was happy to take his time to enjoy the feeling, letting go of the worry and stress that had built up since the moment he’d received the call.

A knock on the door interrupted the comfortable silence in the room and Danny Williams entered carrying two styrofoam cups of coffee.

“Ah there you are, Cap, how are you feeling?” He asked, handing over a coffee to Steve and coming closer to stand near the bed railing.

“I’m feeling alright, considering,” John smiled crookedly. “Where’s my coffee, Williams?”

“Hey, I don't think coffee is on the approved list for you,” Danny grinned. He was glad to see the man looked healthy enough for someone who had just had a serious health scare, fit to be up and making demands. “Besides, this hospital swill is so bad it might just give you a different problem or three,” he sipped his coffee and grimaced theatrically to prove the point. “So when are they letting you out?”

“Don't know yet, my doctor is supposed to drop by any time now. I don't think I need to stay here any longer at all.” John stated confidently. He was not accustomed to sitting around on a bed all day, especially when he wasn’t feeling different from any other day.

“Let’s let the doctor decide that, yeah dad? As you said, this is the first time something like this has happened to you and they just might need to keep you under observation for a bit - just saying,” Steve cautioned.

He knew his dad and he could see the stubborn man was already planning on going home, to start acting as if nothing happened. He might even insist on going to work unless the doctor gave him strict orders to rest and take it easy for a while.

“Which reminds me, do they know at the station that you are here?” Steve asked his dad before he could start protesting about staying put in the hospital. “I tried calling Kelly before I left, but it went to voicemail,”

“No, I’m on leave - only due back the day after tomorrow,” his dad replied somewhat petulantly.

The room door opened again, this time granting entry to a short, balding Hawaiian native. The name tag embroidered over the chest area of his white coat identified him as Dr. L.T. Lester. He smiled cheerfully at all of them and went to the nearest monitor connected to McGarrett senior.

“So how are you feeling today, John?” the doctor inquired while studying the monitor.

“I’m fine doc, when do I get to go home?” John got straight to the point.

The doctor continued taking readings and making notes with an amused smile on his face. Then he went to unclip the chart hanging on the bed railing and made a few notes on it. After that, instead of answering his reluctant patient, the doctor turned to Steve and Danny to introduce himself. At the end of exchanging pleasantries, he finally turned to address John.

“Well, Mr. McGarrett, I can see you’re doing quite well and your readings are good. But, as I explained to you earlier, what you went through is quite serious and you might have damage to your heart muscle.”

Then sensing the alarm from the visitors of his patient, the doctor hurried to explain. “It’s what happens during a heart attack. The blood flow into the heart gets interrupted and it goes into a sort of overdrive trying to restore the flow. This overactivity can cause damage. Your dad was quite lucky that people near him reacted quickly and sent him to the hospital on time.” The doctor smiled again.

“So, what’s next, doc?” Steve asked.

“We do need to assess the possibility of damage and the cause of the infraction. The most common reason is usually coronary artery disease, which means cholesterol clogging the arteries. There are some instances this could happen if you were experiencing a seizure with severe spasms and contractions. We’ll need to run some tests to determine the cause and then plan steps for the recovery,”

“And how long will all this take?” The McGarrett senior looked crestfallen, resigned to the fact that he wasn’t going to get out soon.

“I actually have you scheduled for some of the tests now. Some blood work, an EKG, and a scan. An attendant should be here shortly to take you for those,” Then the doctor turned to Steve and Danny. “The tests will take about an hour or so. If you need to step out and have a meal or something, now would be the time.”

An elderly female attendant entered the room quietly, pushing a wheelchair as the doctor finished, and started unhooking Steve's dad from his various monitors. Steve took the doctor's advice and took his leave with Danny, after letting his dad know that they’ll be back once the tests were done.

……….

“Well, I’ve gotta admit man, your dad’s right. That does sound weird.” Danny said after listening to Steve about what happened.

“Why?” Steve frowned.

“My uncle Mario had a heart attack a couple of years ago. The man was moving some heavy boxes around. He’d been sweating buckets and breathing through his mouth for about an hour when my aunt found him and made him take a break. Then he felt pain in his chest and aunt Rea took him to a doctor. The doctor took one look at him and sent him to an ER. He’s been suffering from a heart attack for hours by then,” Danny paused and tried to remember the exact details his mother told him about what happened to his uncle. “He is fine now. He had to have a bypass and has to stay away from all the greasy food and the alcohol, but he made it,” he said inspecting the sandwich he took from the vending machine. They were both seated in the hospital cafeteria with bottles of water and sandwiches.

It was crowded and almost all the tables were full with families huddling together having lunch - most probably waiting for news about their loved ones. It wasn’t that noisy, despite being crowded to capacity - and nowhere near cozy or inviting - as one would expect from a busy dining area. It felt as though the sense of expectation, the sense of happiness, and the overpowering sense of grief had all tangled up together to create a very subdued atmosphere. Even the smell of food mixed with the underlying odors of disinfectant contributed to the gloom that pervaded over the souls lost in their own private worlds.

“Wow, I’ve forgotten how crappy the hospital food is. This doesn't look like a roast beef sandwich man,” Danny sniffed at it. “Sure doesn’t smell like it either.” Then he shrugged and started eating. It didn’t taste much better either, but he was hungry after the long flight.

Steve didn’t say anything as he nibbled on his food. He wasn’t really hungry but knew he had to have something to keep his energy up. He was thinking about his dad’s recounting of the incident. He hadn’t said anything to his dad earlier, but the more he thought about it, the less it made sense. What Danny was telling him also made it clear how unusual the whole thing was. He made up his mind to pop into the shop his dad was in, later when they left the hospital. Maybe he could talk to the shopkeeper and even have a look at their security footage if they had any. He might even find something that could explain his dad suddenly suffering a heart attack. Maybe there was something that his dad had forgotten to mention.

He needed to get in touch with Sheppard as well, to let him know his dad’s condition. He knew that John would worry until he heard from him. Taking the last bite of his sandwich, he decided now would be the best time to make that call.

“Listen, I need to call Shep and let him know dad’s alright. I’m just gonna be over there by that balcony,” he told Danny as he stood up, fishing his phone out of his jacket pocket. Then he walked to the area he pointed, dialing Sheppard. “Be right back.”

………..

The sweet and subtle smell of her perfume reached Danny first, as he realized the lady who was wearing it was standing right in front of him. He looked up and saw the familiar, smiling face of Lieutenant Catherine Rollins looking down at him.

“Well, hello!” He grinned. “Fancy running into you here, of all places,” he gestured at the seat Steve had just vacated. “Take a seat,”

“Thanks,” Rollins smiled charmingly as she sat. “I’m just here visiting a friend of mine. She just had her second baby - a cute little baby boy,” her face took on the same expression all women wore when talking about babies. “I popped in here to get a drink and then I saw you,” she said. “I thought you guys were in Colorado? Is everything ok?” Her expression turned into one tinged with concern.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m here with Steve, actually. We got a call about his dad, but he’s alright. We just saw him,” Danny explained without going into much detail. He noticed the Lieutenant perking up at the mention of McGarrett junior.

“He’s over there, on a call.” he pointed with his head.

Steve was leaning over the balcony with his elbows resting on the railing and busy talking to Sheppard. He didn’t see the new arrival as he had his back to them.

Danny saw the wattage of Cathrine’s smile go up as her eyes ran over the view the oblivious SEAL presented. He hid the grin and blinked at her innocently when she turned back to face him.

“So, will you guys be here for a few days then?” She inquired, her gaze snapping back to where Steve was, almost unintentionally.

Danny knew she was mostly interested in finding out whether Steve was going to be around for a while.

“Well, that depends.” He hedged. “We have to see his dad’s doctor and see how it goes,”

He didn’t want to give any definite answers or any other details without Steve’s say so. He opened his bottle and drank some water, wishing Steve would soon return. So that he could decide what to tell this infatuated Lieutenant who was back to staring at Steve’s ass with a dreamy look on her face. Then something started to nag at Danny about what she said earlier, but he couldn’t place it. He pushed it away to sort out later as he saw Steve finishing his call.

……….

“Yeah, so that’s what happened. He seems alright and man, that’s a relief. Depending on what his tests and scans show, it’ll be a day or two more. But I’ll message you when I find out,” Steve said to John, who was quite relieved at the fact that Steve’s dad was fine. He insisted that Steve take as much time as needed to make sure his dad got all the support he needed. He also made Steve promise to message him with updates and implored him to take care of himself before finally ending the call.

Steve put his phone back inside his jacket with a smile. He very much appreciated the time he was given to take care of his dad. Moreover, he was deeply touched by the way Sheppard sounded over the phone. He had been really worried and the relief that poured over from his lover through the call was almost a tangible thing. Steve made a mental note to send regular updates as promised. It wasn’t something he would have done for anyone else, but he knew Sheppard would stress otherwise. It felt nice to know that he had somebody who cared that much about him.

He felt the good feeling wilt away when he turned back to see the penetrating gaze of Catherine Rollins directed at him. He was pretty sure he caught her in the act of staring at his ass. She smiled brilliantly at him and waved. Steve was somewhat reluctant to wave back and tried his best to summon a smile for her. He was sure it looked more like a grimace instead.

Steve didn’t have anything against beautiful women. He was definitely not opposed to being the subject of desire of one, either. He had gone out with many pretty women and Catherine Rollins, with her long black hair, soulful brown eyes, and radiant smile was exactly his type. But he was very much invested in another hazel-eyed brunet and he didn’t see himself veering off anytime soon - if ever at all. Even if he wasn’t, Steve knew that he still wouldn’t be interested in this particular woman. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but there was something off about Lieutenant Rollins - something that rubbed him the wrong way - that made him want to be on his guard whenever she was nearby.

“Hi, Steve,” Rollins greeted cheerfully as he walked towards them.

Again, he was instantly put off by the overly friendly greeting. They had only known each other for about 48 hours, hadn’t they? He had to make a conscious effort to return the greeting without letting his true feelings show.

“Hello, Lieutenant,” He asked, more or less politely. “What brings you here?”

Danny cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes, picking up on Steve’s discomfort instantly.

Rollins either didn’t notice or didn’t let it bother her because she launched into the story of her friend and her cute little babies with great enthusiasm.

Steve kept the smile plastered on his face as she talked. Then he made a show of checking time and gestured to Danny. “Hey, listen, it’s nice bumping into you here. But Danny and I’ve gotta run. My dad should be done with his tests now,” he said to the woman as Danny got up from the chair to go with him. Steve didn’t want to give her any details about their visit here and hoped Danny hadn’t run his mouth either.

With that somewhat curt parting, he turned and walked out of the cafeteria, with Danny following closely behind.

“So, it isn’t just me, hah? She gives off weird vibes to you too?” Danny asked, turning his walk into a half jog to keep up with Steve’s longer strides. Steve was eager to put as much distance as possible between them and Rollins.

“Yeah, you didn’t tell her why we’re here, did you?” Steve asked while stabbing the buttons on the elevator.

“Nah, not really. Just told her that we’re here for your dad. That’s it.”

“Is she following us?” Steve was staring at the shiny surface of the elevator door.

The reflections on it were slightly distorted. But Danny could discern the shapely figure of Rollins in tight-fitting jeans and green sleeveless top, slowly making her way towards them.

“Forget this,” Steve spat, pressing a few more buttons for various floors on the keypad. Then he swiftly walked away to the nearest staircase and started climbing two steps at a time. He knew his behavior was a bit irrational; she was just a colleague after all, not another enemy combatant gaining on him. Nevertheless, he wanted to get away from her as soon as possible.

When they finally reached Steve’s dad’s room, the man was already there, enjoying his lunch. It didn’t look much better than what they had either. John McGarrett insisted that there was no need for them to hang around since he was just going to take his pills and take a long nap anyway. He could see the boys were tired and wanted them to go home and catch a few hours of sleep for themselves. Steve relented and promised his dad that they’d drop by later around dinner time. He made him promise to call them if he needed anything before that and then finally hugged him fiercely, before taking their leave.

#fanfiction series #stargate atlantis #steve mcgarrett #john sheppard #ao3fic #cross over #hawaii five 0 #stargate #fiction #my writing #writers on tumblr #alternate universe #military #Not Catherine Rollins Friendly #No DADT

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ineffably-good · 4 years

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Twice

Sometimes describing my feelings help so maybe it will today. Please skip ahead to the next post if you are here for GO content, as this is going to be personal and highly uncomfortable and probably something I’ll regret posting. If you’re triggered about dementia issues, this is not the post for you.

If you’re interested, read it before I come to my senses and delete it.

Image source: Julia Percival

Eleven years ago my mother died of Alzheimer’s. She was a complex, difficult lady and we had a complex, difficult relationship for most of our life. She coped well with the disease for the first seven years she had it, but the last years were a constant string of losses.

I went to a class once on dementia where they gave us a stack of post it notes and had us make one for each of the twelve things we cared about most in the world - family, friends, hobbies, places we like to go. Then for each stage of dementia, we had to pick three of those we were losing. It wasn’t so hard at first; there were some that were easy to give up. When you got to the severe stage and you only had two or three left, it was heartbreaking to choose what thing you would lose next -- your love for your only child? your memory of your spouse? I was only a few years past mom’s death and I cried so hard in that exercise that I had to leave the room.

There's a word for the process of watching someone you love lose themselves to dementia. Anticipatory grief. They're gone before they're gone; you lose them while they're still living. Alzheimer’s is especially crushing because for a long time, the person is aware of what's happening and watching it from the inside. It's an awful, horrible disease. It is always fatal.

In the end, she broke her hip, went to recover in a rehab facility, and died fairly soon thereafter. In the last six weeks of her life, she was nicer and kinder to me than she had ever been before, because she could no longer remember her grievances. When I went to visit (every day), she would recognize me and smile, even if she didn't know exactly who I was. The last thing she ever said to me was "oh it's YOU!" with a kind of childish joy I had never, ever heard from her.

I went through a really long grieving process after she was gone. It took me most of a year to get through a lot of it. I had a three year old who needed me every second, my marriage was undergoing some very serious challenges that year, and I had very little time to myself to process. On the one year anniversary of her death, I parked my car under a streetlight at night in the rain and sobbed for about two hours -- and after that I was a little better.

image source: HANS-ULRICH OSTERWALDER

My father has always been the kinder, easier parent. Less angry, less difficult, easier to be around. We've always gotten each other's sense of humor and enjoyed each other's company. We've gotten much closer since Mom passed, because we were able to spend time together in a new way -- more relaxed, less formal. And he's been pretty healthy, until this year. He has only a couple minor health issues. He has one bad knee and has used a cane for a couple years.

But now? Now my Dad unmistakably has dementia too. Not Alzheimer's, thank god. I think it's vascular dementia, which has its advantages, since it doesn't necessarily progress, and it's not inevitably fatal. But all of a sudden, he's wearing dirty clothes over and over. He can't remember to get his mail. He's repeating things all the time and has little memory of conversations once they are over. Staff in the senior living community where he lives have been pulling me aside here and there to express concern.

I thought it was depression from being cooped up since February; everyone is suffering from that, or just normal aging memory loss. But his doctor called me earlier this week and told me they don't think he's taking his medicines, and when I asked him about it he happily admitted he's stopped taking most of them because he forgot what they were for. No big deal. I went to straighten that out with him today and found him with fifteen different bottles of half full, half-expired pills, none of which he'd been taking, and it took two hours of work to set up the pillbox and answer the same five questions ninety times and draw him a list with pictures of what each pill is and then quiz him on what he's going to do tomorrow morning to find the pills he needs and I *still* don't think he can do it.

So now I can't deny it anymore. He has dementia. He's barely coping.

Luckily he's moving into assisted living in about three weeks and will have his pills brought to him after that, so this is a short term emergency that I'm going to have to manage on a daily basis. I can do that.

Image source: I’m sorry. I don’t f#@&ing know. I’m very tired and it wasn’t attributed. This one is my mental state. Getting that? Hahahahaha.

I can do that. And I will. But... but...

I am realizing that I'm having the quiet equivalent of PTSD, facing my second parent with dementia.

I've done this before and I will do it this time and I’ll get through it. I’m fucking resilient. My sister lives too far away to help with the daily stuff, although she’s concerned and grateful. My husband can’t take a shift or a visit because he can’t get into the building where my dad lives. (I get in on a loophole because I work there. Otherwise no visit until COVID ends, otherwise known as forever.) Just me. This is all on me. And I won’t even list the otherwise whopping pile of stress and responsibilities in my life. This is a focused post. *ahem*

There is a unique trauma to starting this process for a second time. And damn is there not anything out there on the interwebs for how to survive this process a second time.

So. That’s me. Not sure why I’m sharing this.

Advice, hugs, or happy thoughts -- cat pictures? sick jokes? -- happily accepted.

Or, you know, we just go on with our lives. :) As one does.

#blogging for the hell of it #dementia #caregiver fatigue #whining #stealing pics from google #but so what

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aurora-daily · 5 years

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A free bird

Interview: AURORA for Dagbladet Magazine (June 25th, 2019). Translated by fromthespaceamundo.

Anyone who loves Aurora Aksnes (23) will always come in second place.

THE FREEDOM OF FREEDOM: As a child, the record-breaking Aurora Aksnes (23) felt differently from other children. As an adult, she experiences the differentness as her greatest strength.

«It's art that keeps me up. And hunger. It's an eternal hunger.» says Aurora Aksnes.

From a red velvet sofa in a secluded corner of the Hotel Bristol, the pop artist has an overview of the buzzing room. Her third album A Different Kind of Human (Step 2) came on June 7, which got a 5 stars rating on Dagbladet and by Aftenposten was characterized as Aurora's most complete release so far. After the tour in South America, she is ready for festival summer and Norwegian tour. On June 28, she played at the Glastonbury Festival for her warriors & weirdos, the nickname she has given to her fans.

Since her artistic debut in 2014 and international breakthrough with a cover version of the Oasis song «Half the World Away», the 23-year-old has marked herself with self-written pop and distinctive talent for creating her own universe. She is acclaimed by artists like Katy Perry and has 570,000 followers on Instagram. The music press often portrays her as a kind of eccentric child, which is supported by the fact that Aurora appears barefoot in TV interviews, and privately has a fascination for moths and algae balls.

But she does not drink more than one beer, the concentration and strength of her blue gaze in combination with a low-pitched, clear voice, is more striking than her narrow sense of interest. Ever since she, as a 9-year-old, discovered the magic sounds that could be created with an old electronic keyboard she found on her parents' attic, Aurora has known the meaning of life:

«I could sacrifice all contact with others if I had to. I could sacrifice everything. I don't need anything else but to make music. Then I understand why I'm here.»

Aurora's lyrical universe is a lot about exclusion, but even though she writes about everything, from loneliness to suicide, outsiders are made into insiders in her songs, while the insiders appear as outsiders. On the title song, «A Different Kind of Human», she sings:

«We have come here for you, and we're coming in peace Mothership will take you higher, higher»

Is your own mothership hungry?

«In a way. Because hunger takes me where I am going to be.»

A different kind of human, what is that?

«Many people think that it is me because I have often felt different, but the lyrics have nothing to do with that. I ask people to make a choice and remind them that they can choose to be a different kind of human. If everybody had chosen it, the world would be a good place to live in.»

Have you chosen it yourself?

«Long ago.» Aurora responds calmly.

When did you choose it?

«When I realized I had a choice. I was a smart kid, so I noticed quickly that I am in place with people similar to me, but different. I had other dreams, interests and questions compared to the other kids. I remember thinking, ‘I don't belong here.’ At that time it felt negative, but I made a choice not to suppress it. I quickly removed the need to be understood and found the peace of mind that being alone is okay.»

At home, in the small town of Drange in the municipality of Os, the parents gave the youngest daughter room to be herself. Older sisters Miranda (32) and Viktoria Aksnes (29) were for some time afraid that the individualistic little sister, who used cut socks as arm warmers and make her own outfits, would be bullied. The problem was rather that the friends wanted more time with Aurora than she managed to give. After school, she was often out in the woods until her parents called her home for dinner with a bell.

«Mom and dad helped me be free. I was introverted as a kid, I was not so interested in people. I could sit alone for hours and thought it was great. I often chose to be alone rather than being with friends.»

When the family was to adopt a kitten from the Animal Protection Agency, Aurora had to choose. High up on a refrigerator, meowing alone, lay an old, a big and gray cat.

«I remember the first day of school. The kittens were like the other kids in the schoolyard with a lot of noise and nonsense. I recognized myself in Tulla.»

For the rest of her cat life, Tulla went to school bus stop daily to wait for Aurora and follow her through the forest towards home. It seemed that cats knew when she would show up, even though the schedule varied. Tulla never missed the moment.

«She didn't really like to be a tamed cat, but we had a strong connection.»

WAR OF WOMEN: Aurora Aksnes will give her fans, all the «warriors & weirdos», strength and acceptance to be themselves. Photo: Agnete Brun.

CURRENTLY:

• Known under the artist name AURORA. • Newcomer of the year during the Spellemann Prize of 2015. Won the Spellemann Prize of 2016 in the best pop soloist category and also took the prize for best music video. • Currently with the album «A Different Kind of Human (Step 2)». Sings on the Frozen 2 trailer. The film will premiere this fall.

One morning the Easter Bunny glowed from the couch in the living room, the next day it had found its way to the top of the roof. But when the rabbit joined Aurora Aksnes to the school and she entertained her classmates with colorful stories, a sudden sense of concern emerged in the classroom.

«The teachers thought I didn't understand the difference between reality and imagination,» recalls Aurora.

«They were worried about me. Then mom said, ’No, that's how she should be. And it's going to be her strength.’» The sense of alienation was lifted by her.

«It was very defining. It was the first time anyone was really up to me. I stood up for myself a lot, I never asked for help either. But at that time my mother stood up for me, and I have never forgotten that.»

To date, her mother's words work like a compass. Aurora stretches her flimsy arms out in front of her and slightly twists her wrists. Her glance glides at a beautiful, solid chandelier before returning.

«I knew there was a reason why I should cultivate a friendship with myself. I was going to need it. It is important that anyone who feels out of place gets a chance to see what understanding is for them in the world.»

She is most frightened to find that people do not understand what she means. She often meets a lack of understanding in depth. For Aurora, whose name means «the goddess of dawn», sunset and sunrise are not only a «a nice thing.» They are nature's short-lived works of art. Beautiful, but perishable, they give her both intense joy and sorrow.

«I think it is scary to perhaps never be fully understood. But maybe there is no real insider. Everyone experiences being an outsider, some just more than others. Acceptance is important in my world. And music... music is a healing instrument.»

CHILD PICTURE: A young Aurora Aksnes. Photo: Private.

NEWBORN: Dad Jan Øystein Aksnes with baby Aurora. Photo: Private.

REMEMBER THE TIME: Mom May Britt Aksnes works as a midwife and has encouraged her daughters to choose what feels right for themselves, rather than listening to others. Aurora herself feels like an alternative health worker: «Music is a healing instrument.» Photo: Private.

Ideally, she would have started rolling over the vacant floor space of the Bristol Library Bar, or asked someone to lift her up to be able to touch the crystals of the huge chandelier, but such impulses Aurora has learned to suppress. Guests are not allowed to put their feet on the tables.

«I have learned that the impulses can be unpleasant for people, but I have also learned when to give in to them. They can escalate if I feel insecure, but if it happens I consciously use them when there is something I do not want to talk about, or when I want to divert.»

FESTIVAL: A graduation-dressed mom May Britt, sisters Miranda, Aurora and Viktoria, as well as dad Jan Øystein Aksnes. Photo: Private.

This is how the 23-year-old makes twice as old music professionals listen. However, the leap from a natural western upbringing to the demands of an international artist was the toughest part. The NRK documentary Once Aurora (2018) reveals how Aurora has previously felt pressured to release music she does not care for and struggles to find the balance between closeness and distance to fans. She was discovered by chance when a friend posted a school video of a singing Aurora on Facebook.

«I never really wanted to become an artist. It just happened. There was a lot of pressure, a lot of sounds, a lot of work and a too much people for someone like me, who really likes the opposite. Then it helps if I have a meaning greater than myself, to see that I can help others. Making good music gives me a very special feeling. I get a sense of security in myself. I know why I'm here, what to fill the time with, and I have something to run after all the time. Something to look for that is inside me.»

Aurora puts a narrow hand on her chest and pauses a little before she continues with diligence:

«It is absolutely magical to have such a meaning in life. I never get completely unhappy when I have it. Suddenly I have people who listen, and I have a meaning in my lyrics, in who I am on stage, in that I suddenly want to write political stuff, not only emotional stuff.»

Aurora's message is: Help yourself before helping others. Stand on your own power. Be yourself.

«I learned this the hard way in a period when I was having a hard time. I struggled with panic anxiety when I was like 18-19 years old and saw how little functional I was, how little I was able to create, how little I could help others.»

The fact that she comes from a family where mental illness appears in several parts of the father's family, while artistic talent exists on both sides of the family, Aurora regards it as a strength. Her sister, Viktoria Aksnes, was diagnosed with bipolarity type 2 in the summer of 2016, and describes Aurora as one of the strongest people she knows and a great supporter.

«I learned early to be strong for others. And then I've learned a lot from my own journey in the world. I have traveled alone since I was 16. I have known grief and need, and the importance of being true to yourself,» says Aurora.

How did you get on your feet when you had panic anxiety?

«By giving myself time, not putting pressure on myself. Being kind to myself, I made sure I got what I needed to work on. You can't do anything for others until you are your perfect self. And this is not when you have many shadows.»

What were your shadows?

«They have been different things. But the biggest shadow was probably the shadow of my own success in 2016, which I didn't understand and didn't quite accept. I felt trapped in the reality that this is now a job. You're not your own secret anymore, you have to share yourself with the world, and that's the way it is.»

She stretches her arms, which are slightly clad in a cropped top under a mesh top that matches the tulle skirt over green harem pants. Aurora has mastered the art of looking simple and intricate at the same time. All her styling is done in collaboration with her older sisters: Miranda Aksnes — who she lives with in Bergen and who is often on tour with her — takes care of her makeup, while designer-educated Viktoria sews the stage attire.

«I'm stubborn and always making my own things. Magazines will often try to style me, but then I just say that I want what I like. I don't like people touching my face, only Miranda is allowed to. I do my hair myself, I do not like when people touch my hair either.»

What happens then?

«I can get really hot and then I get angry. I don't like being caught on that much. Hugging is hard. I need freedom and space. But I love people holding my hands, or taking my arm.»

Was that why you studied sign language as an elective?

Aurora, who dreamed of being a researcher in molecular biology, but dropped out from high school to spend full time on making music after the second grade, bursts into a vibrant laugh.

«Yes. I also liked the sign language because I stuttered a little. When I'm excited and girded, I still stutter, but the worst was when I had German, which is a choppy language.»

The stuttering started when Joop, a Dutch family friend and Aurora's confidant, died on Christmas Eve. During the Christmas service, the Aksnes family found out that he had died, and the funeral was held in the Christmas room. 11-year-old Aurora felt both her own sadness and the sadness of everyone around. It became so overwhelming and intense that she threw up afterwards.

«It was when I learned that funerals are not for me. It was absolutely awful Singing is easier than sitting on the benches and feeling your own and everyone else's pain. No, I do not like funerals, I get nothing out of them. Especially if the dead are young.»

They are many. When Aurora went to junior high school, her sister Viktoria lost a close friend. He was a 18 years old and died in bed by an undetected heart defect. At high school, Aurora's friend from the sign language class died in a traffic accident.

«I sang at my friend's funeral. She was kind, it was heavy.»

There was someone who committed suicide too?

«Yes, a friend of ours from Os. He was good, very good. And then I had one tho whom I was very close who died in Utøya. A boy I was in love with. He was lovely.»

Was he your boyfriend?

«We probably were, even though I was very young back then. I was 15 when he passed away. He was 17.»

The buzz in the room is increasing, but in Aurora's corner it is quiet. Suddenly she says:

«Eight days after someone I had been fond of passed away, I felt a presence. On every eight day it is if they were still here, and then no more. That's why track eight is always the title track on my albums. There is something magical about the number eight.»

You said you'd like to release eight albums?

«Yes. Even numbers are special to me: Eight is sad, eleven gives me more hope. My first album came out on the 11th. I can only have eleven songs on the album. And then track number eight is the most important one, always. I can't explain why, it's just like that and must be that way. You can find out a lot about me if you know that I love even numbers.»

She is also a warrior of love. Songs like «Queendom» have caused the LGBT community to embrace her music. The love society, Aurora calls it, who is open about her relationship with both men and women. The freedom to not define sexuality she feels is greater in her generation than among the elderly.

«I am very proud of that, because we put a label on everything. I think it is so lovely that we let love be love. Sometimes you need labels because you belong to a place, but I don't need it myself. I just feel that I am one of the many endorsers of love.»

Have you always known that you could fall for women?

«No, but I noticed that I could be captivated by them. Falling for a woman is different than falling in love with a man. A kind of mutual admiration. Something more intellectual.»

A sort of recognition?

«Yes, some kind of strength and admiration. I want to learn something from the women I fall for. With men it is perhaps a little more sexual. It is interesting to note that there is a difference.»

AURORA AKSNES

• Born: June 15, 1996. • Family: Mother, father and two sisters. I don't want to say I'm single, but I don't have a boyfriend. I'm in love. • Best feature: Independence. • Worst feature: I can be stubborn. But the best and the worst is that I am very emotional. • Reads: Only fantasy. • Listens to: Enya and heavy metal. I often fall asleep to heavy metal. It's heavy and delicious to listen to. • Watching: Ghibli films, from Japan. Spirited Away. If I need to cry, I watch The Grave of the Fireflies. It's sad. • Being provoked by: Injustice. • Admires: People's ability to cope with the invisible obstacles. • Afraid of: Dying before I have made eight albums. I'm very afraid of that, because I have to do that. • Dream destination: Moon. • To do in ten years: Maybe album number eight.

«I sang at my friend's funeral. It was heavy.»

- Aurora Aksnes (23), artist.

How are those you fall for? Do they also have algae in the fridge?

Aurora laughs at the hint of the algae ball Igor Septimus, who recently passed away in a glass of water because she had forgotten to place him in the cool and the apartment became too hot and dry for five weeks of absence.

«No, but there are often people who are free too. I like strong, stubborn ladies. I love the world to have such ladies, and I treat myself to have such a lady in my life. It is an extra spiritual thing with women that creates curiosity.

That you are hungry and can do without anything other than art? How are you at loving others?

«I think I'm hard to love. It must be difficult learning to be loved a little less than to be hungry. You always come in second place.»

Are you honest about this with those you have been with?

«I have been.»

How have they taken it?

«I haven't had so many lovers in my life so far. I love a lot and can fall fast. But then it fades over quickly because nothing can match what I feel when I make music.»

Aurora is looking for the words that can describe the indescribable.

«It is the closest thing I have to anything divine, I think. I can only find a lover who understands it. One who has passion. One who also knows what it means to create something. One with the same hunger. That can be the weird art of appreciating oneself. And they must know that music is under number one. Everything else comes afterwards. Even if I had children.»

Then the children would be...

«...number two. I know that. I have a lot of love in me, and I think I could be a good mother. I want a child who can inherit the house at Drange, which my father has built, and we, the daughters, will surely take over. That's what I'm thinking of. I don't know if that is good enough reason», she comments.

«But I had probably struggled with the conscience because I haven't managed to take a break from the studio during the whole day. It's a nice feeling that I want to give my mom and dad a grandchild, but for the time being I have no room for anything but music.»

To keep control, Aurora has learned to play various instruments and started producing her own music. The toughest thing she has had to realize is that she can not totally reproduce her own visions.

«I hear sounds that do not exist yet. So it is not entirely possible to reproduce what I have inside me, and I have accepted that. But I'm going to work a whole life to make it happen.»

FUTURE DREAM: «I dream of buying and living on my own island in Hordaland. There I will have cats, chickens and wild sheep and make music.» says Aurora. Photo: Agnete Bun.

«Falling for a woman is different than falling in love with a man.» «I'm hard to love. You always come in second place»

- Aurora Aksnes

Translator's Note: special credits for agenahadar from the Warriors and Weirdos forum for sharing the original article in Norwegian language.

#aurora #aurora aksnes #interviews #step 2

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scifigeneration · 4 years

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Your brain evolved to hoard supplies and shame others for doing the same

by Stephanie Preston

In scary and uncertain times, having a stockpile can feel soothing. AP Photo/Ted S. Warren

The media is replete with COVID-19 stories about people clearing supermarket shelves – and the backlash against them. Have people gone mad? How can one individual be overfilling his own cart, while shaming others who are doing the same?

As a behavioral neuroscientist who has studied hoarding behavior for 25 years, I can tell you that this is all normal and expected. People are acting the way evolution has wired them.

Stockpiling provisions

The word “hoarding” might bring to mind relatives or neighbors whose houses are overfilled with junk. A small percentage of people do suffer from what psychologists call “hoarding disorder,” keeping excessive goods to the point of distress and impairment.

Knowing the cupboards aren’t bare can be comforting. Brian Hagiwara/The Image Bank via Getty Images

But hoarding is actually a totally normal and adaptive behavior that kicks in any time there is an uneven supply of resources. Everyone hoards, even during the best of times, without even thinking about it. People like to have beans in the pantry, money in savings and chocolates hidden from the children. These are all hoards.

Most Americans have had so much, for so long. People forget that, not so long ago, survival often depended on working tirelessly all year to fill root cellars so a family could last through a long, cold winter – and still many died.

Similarly, squirrels work all fall to hide nuts to eat for the rest of the year. Kangaroo rats in the desert hide seeds the few times it rains and then remember where they put them to dig them back up later. A Clark’s nutcracker can hoard over 10,000 pine seeds per fall – and even remember where it put them.

A Clark’s nutcracker stocking up on seeds isn’t so different from a human being stocking up on ramen. Joe McDonald/The Image Bank via Getty Images

Similarities between human behavior and these animals’ are not just analogies. They reflect a deeply ingrained capacity for brains to motivate us to acquire and save resources that may not always be there. Suffering from hoarding disorder, stockpiling in a pandemic or hiding nuts in the fall – all of these behaviors are motivated less by logic and more by a deeply felt drive to feel safer.

My colleagues and I have found that stress seems to signal the brain to switch into “get hoarding” mode. For example, a kangaroo rat will act very lazy if fed regularly. But if its weight starts to drop, its brain signals to release stress hormones that incite the fastidious hiding of seeds all over the cage.

Kangaroo rats will also increase their hoarding if a neighboring animal steals from them. Once, I returned to the lab to find the victim of theft with all his remaining food stuffed into his cheek pouches — the only safe place.

People do the same. If in our lab studies my colleagues and I make them feel anxious, our study subjects want to take more stuff home with them afterward.

Parts of the brain just behind your forehead are involved in these stockpiling behaviors. Dorling Kindersley via Getty Images

Demonstrating this shared inheritance, the same brain areas are active when people decide to take home toilet paper, bottled water or granola bars, as when rats store lab chow under their bedding – the orbitofrontal cortex and nucleus accumbens, regions that generally help organize goals and motivations to satisfy needs and desires.

Damage to this system can even induce abnormal hoarding. One man who suffered frontal lobe damage had a sudden urge to hoard bullets. Another could not stop “borrowing” others’ cars. Brains across species use these ancient neural systems to ensure access to needed items – or ones that feel necessary.

So, when the news induces a panic that stores are running out of food, or that residents will be trapped in place for weeks, the brain is programmed to stock up. It makes you feel safer, less stressed, and actually protects you in an emergency.

More than a fair share

At the same time they’re organizing their own stockpiles, people get upset about those who are taking too much. That is a legitimate concern; it’s a version of the “tragedy of the commons,” wherein a public resource might be sustainable, but people’s tendency to take a little extra for themselves degrades the resource to the point where it can no longer help anyone.

By shaming others on social media, for instance, people exert what little influence they have to ensure cooperation with the group. As a social species, human beings thrive when they work together, and have employed shaming – even punishment – for millennia to ensure that everyone acts in the best interest of the group.

And it works. Twitter users went after a guy reported to have hoarded 17,700 bottles of hand sanitizer in the hopes of turning a profit; he ended up donating all of it and is under investigation for price gouging. Who wouldn’t pause before grabbing those last few rolls of TP when the mob is watching?

People will continue to hoard to the extent that they are worried. They will also continue to shame others who take more than what they consider a fair share. Both are normal and adaptive behaviors that evolved to balance one another out, in the long run.

But that’s cold comfort for someone on the losing end of a temporary imbalance – like a health care worker who did not have protective gear when they encountered a sick patient. The survival of the group hardly matters to the person who dies, or to their parent, child or friend.

One thing to remember is that the news selectively depicts stockpiling stories, presenting audiences with the most shocking cases. Most people are not charging $400 for a mask. Most are just trying to protect themselves and their families, the best way they know how, while also offering aid wherever they can. That’s how the human species evolved, to get through challenges like this together.

About The Author:

Stephanie Preston is a Professor of Psychology at the University of Michigan

This article is republished from our content partners over at The Conversation under a Creative Commons license.

#science #psychology #neuroscience #human brain #covid-19

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dragimal · 4 years

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Longform Audio Creepypasta Recs

hey TMA fandom! as a new TMA listener but looooongtime creepypasta fan, I find it rly cool that ppl who aren’t into horror are getting into TMA! I’m hoping this will help bring fresh blood (hah) to the horror fandom, so if you’ve realized that you rather like audio horror but don’t know what else to look into, I’m here to recommend my favorite longform creepypasta narrations!

this is far from an exhaustive list of long creepypastas, but I just want to introduce some of the stories I consider to be the best of the genre. and while I’m just reccing longform in this post, there are plenty of short one-shots I could rec if anyone wants to ask me abt a specific theme/Entity or even a specific ep of TMA (there are several MAG eps that brought me straight back to a specific creepypasta or two, lmao)

also, I’ll just be linking to MrCreepyPasta’s narrations b/c I’m heavily biased so I mostly listen to him, but there are plenty of other great narrators out there like CreepsMcPasta, CreepypastaJr, etc. (most of their names are variations on a theme asdfgh). and if u just want the text version of any of these, every video I link has a link in its own description back to the original text posting of the story

THAT outta the way, here are my recs! I’ll try to remember all the trigger warnings I can, but keep in mind I tend to be p hardy to most horror content, so there may be some things that slip past simply b/c they don’t register to me. also it’s been a minute since I’ve listened to some of these, so some have updated or I may have just forgotten some aspects. I’ll also update this if ppl find it useful and I find more good long pastas~

Penpal (2.5 hrs, complete)

op recounts some of their odd experiences as a child, all of which stem from an elementary school project involving a pen pal. as he recalls these experiences, a horrifying picture of his past begins to emerge...

easily my favorite pasta of all time-- and that’s saying something, considering there are some damn good recs here. it’s one of the first I read so long ago, and few have come close to what this one made me feel. op does an incredible job of capturing the nostalgia and childhood wanderlust of youth, and the last few lines of each chunk of the story hit like a goddamned truck-- esp "Friends”, I cry like a baby every time, it just.... hits something tender in me...

TW: stalking of children, subsequent kidnapping and child abuse at the end (and while it’s not necessarily *confirmed*, heavy implications of child sexual abuse, for that last bit). implied cat death. some graphic description of the victim of a hit-and-run

Search and Rescue Woods (~5 hrs, ongoing?)

op recalls several of the strange and disturbing experiences (their own and quoted from coworkers) of working search-and-rescue for an unnamed national forest in the US

y’know that feeling u get when u see photos lawn chairs just sitting at the bottom of the ocean? even if there’s a perfectly good explanation for why they’re there, it’s still haunting b/c it feels wrong to see them there, in that context? that’s basically this entire assortment of stories-- the obvious example being the stairs, of course, but even a lot of the human elements feel so out of place and wrong. if you’re a fan of Spiral-type horror w/ a hard edge of Stranger, this is the story for u

TW: generally clinical but graphic descriptions of mutilated bodies. use of the r-slur against an nd individual (it’s during a story that the main character is quoting from a different one-off character, so it thankfully only happens the one time..). child death, in certain stories. some wild animal death

Borrasca (2.5 hrs, complete)

Sam moves to a small mountain town with his family after his father’s job relocates them. he hears some spooky legends about the town, but doesn’t think much of them... that is, until his sister disappears. as Sam and his friends dig deeper into the town’s history to find any clues to his sister’s disappearance, they begin to realize there’s something deeply deeply wrong with their quaint little home

I’ve always loved horror that’s ‘mundane’ enough to be done by regular humans, but vague enough that it could actually be supernatural, under the right circumstances-- and this is one of those mysteries that keeps u guessing until the VERY end. my mind felt like that Pepe Silvia corkboard meme the first time I listened to this, I was losin’ it. this is also prolly one of my favorite examples of MCP’s talent as a narrator, b/c he adds in his own subtle foreshadowing with his voicework, and it blows my mind every time I listen to it again

also worth mentioning there’s a (3.5 hr) sequel! since the horror/mystery is basically done after the first one, the sequel is mostly suspense/thriller and character closure. if ur just here for the horror/mystery and the gut-punch of that first ending, then the sequel isn’t necessary. but if you want more closure for our dear sweet cast who deserve so much better, then by all means!

TW: the ending involves heavy sexual abuse (involving underage girls, no less), part of which is graphic. like I know I joke abt having to take breaks after reading emotionally exhausting stories, but I genuinely had to take a couple days of recovery after this one-- and that’s from someone who’s p hardy to all kinds of graphic content. do NOT take this warning lightly if this is a sensitive topic for you

Tales From the Gas Station (10 hrs for free, otherwise ongoing)

Jack works at a gas station at the edge of a middle-of-nowhere town. Strange things happen at the gas station-- bipedal deer stopping by for a drink, dark gods leaving vague messages, fingers growing from the ground out back, sudden lawn gnome appearances-- All just a part of the daily grind, right?

so if I wanna be totally fair, this is more a rec for Night Vale fans than anything (tho the TMA/WTNV overlap seems to be p significant). the comedic, nonchalant tone taken towards everything supernatural and horrific is p much 1:1 WTNV. I’ve genuinely cried laughing at some of the fuckshit that happens, esp anything involving Jerry. not to say that GST doesn’t have its heavy-horror moments, but the frequency is more comparable to Night Vale’s approach-- dark comedy definitely takes center stage, here. tho this also varies by the POV-- the “Finding Vanessa” arcs are told from the perspective of a more serious character, so the heavy parts are far more frequent and hit a lot harder

as for the time estimate, here’s where it gets a littleee bit complicated. the first version was put out for free, and read for free by MCP (among a few other narrators). this came out in several different parts, and the one video I linked above has compiled *most* of volume 1, but not the Halloween story, featured here. HOWEVER, the author has taken a second go at v1 and beyond, which is currently ongoing and available to buy as books or audiobooks ALSO narrated by MCP!

as for deciding which version to listen to, I’ll just try to describe the differences here. the first version was written entirely via Jack’s online forum posts, which were subject to more direct reader interaction and Jack’s scatterbrain. thus, the first version leaves a LOT more details up to reader interpretation/theorizing, straight up doesn’t have or explain certain plot arcs yet, and is very disorganized in terms of timeline all due to Jack’s canon memory issues. this all, personally, made it v fun and silly to follow, but I’m aware that’s not for everyone. the second version is written from a more standard first person narrative from Jack’s perspective. while Jack’s memory issues still make him an unreliable narrator (often *upsettingly* so in this version), the actual narrative is far more organized, complete, and easy to follow. the fun thing is that the first version can still be considered canon material to the second version, as Jack references making those very forum posts within the second version narrative. so, personally, I consider the second version to be the core cohesive story, while the first version is supplemental, fun material that provides more context for a few of the strange bits that happen in the story (like Jack’s ‘secret admirer’ makes more sense if u’ve listened to the first version). either way, the second version is the only way the story is going to continue (as far as I’m aware), so if you’re ONLY going to listen to one version of the story, listen to the second version

TW: for the first version, there are some uncomfortable jokes/implications at certain points-- associating villains/assholes with fatness and/or personality disorders is unfortunately a running theme, and a few off-color jokes are made abt some of Jack’s conditions (general mental health and his brief use of crutches). there’s also a point at which it’s implied that a specific one-off arc is a ploy to rape Jack, tho nothing actually comes of it beyond awkward scheming (but just in case, that story is specifically “Death at the Gas Station” at the very end of that long compilation, if u wanna skip it). for the second version, I believe the author was made aware of these issues and either straight-up removed or fixed most of them in some way. there’s just one point where an intentionally-questionable character uses the g*psy slur, and a few points where a regular commenter on Jack’s forum posts has w*ndigo in their username

in terms of gore for either one, uhhh maybe some descriptions of injuries? body horror? this one’s a lot harder to call for me, b/c the comedy softens the blow on a lot of the horror

Accounts From a Lonely Broadcast Station (5 hrs, ongoing)

Evelyn is the new voice of a small mountain town’s local radio station. her job is to take calls, play music (ALWAYS play the music), and broadcast emergency warnings whenever the fog rolls in from the surrounding forest. pretty standard stuff. she tries to make the most of it-- if only that damn crow with human eyes would stop watching her...

this one’s similar to Gas Station Tales with its heavy reliance on dark humor, but it takes itself a bit more seriously, with a more even split b/t genuine horror and comedy. also MCP brings in wonderful extra voice talent w/ this one, I RLY love Evelyn's va ;w;

TW: graphic descriptions of mutilation and body horror

My Friend Has Been Living in an Alternate Reality (4 hrs, complete)

op’s eccentric friend, Clint, turns up on op’s doorstep unannounced after several years missing. Clint vanishes again just as abruptly, leaving op with a journal detailing a horrifying, dangerous journey that’s almost too bizarre to believe, yet...

so this one’s more like an action/thriller with horror garnish, tbh-- very exciting and suspenseful! I love the weird, apocalyptic world Clint describes in his journals, and the societies that have cropped up around these hostile circumstances

TW: graphic descriptions of mutilation/injury

My Name is Lily Madwhip (~8 hrs, ongoing)

Lily Madwhip sees things before they happen. they’re usually horrible things like deaths and injuries that she wishes she could prevent but often can’t. at least her best friend-- an angel possessing one of Lily’s dolls-- is around to provide advice

this one’s from the perspective of a little girl, and it leans into dark humor enough to soften at least some of the more traumatic moments. Lily’s young enough that she’s somewhat removed from the full gravity of the deaths around her, but the fact that it’s happening so frequently at all seems to be warping her perspective towards death to be more... casual? is that the right word? it’s just a rly interesting perspective to see for horror. also we’ve got another rly great guest va here for Lily~

TW: brief descriptions of injury, but they’re not graphic. frequent animal death.

The Showers (2.75 hrs, complete)

op recounts a scary story he heard from a teacher back in high school about a vague location and a terrifying encounter. he later ventures to find this location to see the truth for himself, but is it worth it?

this one’s a classic-- I think it was of the first creepypasta I listened to? not this version, but I wouldn’t be able to tell u which narrator it was at the time. I won’t say that this one’s the most unique story out there, but something abt it has always stuck with me?.... idk, I think the premise rly hooks me

TW: oh god it’s been a while, but I don’t remember anything particularly triggering? maybe body horror?

#creepypasta #creepypastas #the magnus archives #tma #shut up ashley #blease give creepypasta a chance I need more horror friends /wretched crying emoji/#also I would've recced 1999 but I JUST found out abt all the controversy over someone reposting and pasting in parts from other stories #I totally understand why op wouldn't want the story narrated anymore shit sucks

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thegreat118402 · 4 years

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Warning! The following is not intended to scare you or psychologically scar your mental health, but however, this presentation was made to alert you to important information you may have missed

Greetings citizens of the world. Welcome to the final decade for the old world order. We're sure you have noticed this year stands out from any other year you've experienced before. And rightfully so, because they are wasting no time to get a head-start on this decade's list of events they have planned for you.

Between 2020 and 2030 there is a global plan to aggressively remove humanity from its usual activity and reform every detail of its existence. This plan is called Agenda 2030, and it is not a conspiracy theory but an officially published document by the United Nations which you should most certainly take this free time you have gained now in lockdown to research and educate yourself on. Links will be provided in the video description below.

https://sustainabledevelopment.un.org/content/documents/21252030%20Agenda%20for%20Sustainable%20Development%20web.pdf

(do your own research on Agenda 2030, everything described in their document is worded with sugar coated fluff to entice support and lure in its targeted demographic. You conclude its true meaning, and character of the UN's representatives, by watching how they maneuver on the world-stage dealing with much of the same exact goal challenges in other crumbling nations, as well as follow bread crumb trail evidence like The Georgia Guidestones, and predictive programming hidden in entertainment media.)

https://www.google.com/search?source=hp&ei=ErmEXunDOM-GtQbIloCgCg&q=UN+peace+Keepers+rape+minor+girls&oq=UN+peace+Keepers+rape+minor+girls&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQAzoOCAAQ6gIQtAIQmgEQ5QI6BQgAEIMBOgIIADoECAAQCjoICAAQFhAKEB5Q6QpYsUVgrkZoAHAAeAGAAbAEiAHZKZIBDDcuMjEuMS4xLjEuMpgBAKABAaoBB2d3cy13aXqwAQY&sclient=psy-ab&ved=0ahUKEwjplISIy8foAhVPQ80KHUgLAKQQ4dUDCAc&uact=5

Before we summarize the outline of Agenda 2030's goals, let us first highlight the things your government advanced with or had voted on to pass while the masses were heavily distracted with round-the-clock media panic streaks, and left suddenly at home struggling to find what to use for toilet paper. Make no mistake about it, the Covid-19 pandemic, otherwise known as the coronavirus, is a tool that is being used to help contain populations that were protesting against their governments or protesting broken treaties, which all were reaching a boiling point towards the end of last year. We have proof that exercises were taking place last year to prepare for the pandemic, we will link those documents below. A year ago, in March of 2019, the Chinese government smuggled Covid-19 into their country on a ship from Canada, as they had infiltrated and taken the virus into their own custody with intentions to use it as a bioweapon. A link to learn more and discover the origin of the Coronavirus will also be linked below.

https://anonfiles.com/94m1Qdjeo9/wh-pandemic-playbook_pdf

https://anonfiles.com/v8P536k3o6/crimson-contagion_pdf

https://www.facebook.com/879012602138361/videos/1534285246723980/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3yQm8dYcRY&feature=youtu.be

If you had been closely following our reports, then you should already know that hundreds of citizens of Hong Kong joined operation Vendetta for the Anonymous Million Mask March last year on Guy Fawkes Day. Hong Kong has been undergoing extreme changes to its system with stricter facial recognition surveillance which uses advanced AI for citizen ranking, and we'll explain later how this all ties in with Agenda 2030. Understandably their citizens recognized these changes as tyranny over them and so had been resisting their Communist leaders with peaceful protests to beg them for democracy. This has turned violent as Hong Kong authorities were ordered to seize and detain protestors, which only made more citizens angry and confirmed that they were being oppressed. As tensions built last November, it is no coincidence that suddenly the virus which they kept ready to unleash was finally set loose on the Chinese, in the Trojan horse of a fruit bat, which dramatically shifted power back to the State and scared protesters back into self isolation.

https://youtu.be/GjtPkZvf0mE

Other protests around the globe were also effected in this same way. Recently In Canada, the Wet'suwet'en tribe of British Columbia, and the Mohawks of Kanesatake began protesting their treaties being broken with the Canadian government as oil pipeline construction was being forced on their protected territories. First Nations reserves in Canada have protection treaties from the Queen to have their rights respected by the Canadian government, but now are being violated by corporate and industrial demands and interests. In response to these violations, these First Nations people stood on the railways to block trade coming into Canada by train in protest until a promise of negotiation was given to them. But now since the quarantine lockdowns enforced by the coronavirus has elevated State power, the tribes were forcefully removed from the railways and the pipelines are now continuing forward without consent or compromise given to them. This is typical of tyrants to use these tactics to bend the arms of their resisters while evading blame and pinning it on some conveniently timed national or global crisis.

https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/qjdaex/theres-still-no-deal-in-wetsuweten-but-pipeline-construction-is-ongoing

Protests in France, Italy, and Iran also came to a halt due to the widespread panic of the global pandemic. Are we seeing a pattern yet for how world governments work together to maliciously seize power? They all have ties to each other through trade and promise of deals to them if they comply, how could they resist when evil consumed their hearts from the beginning when power was first given to them? Communist dictators only see the greater good in their own selfish pursuits and benefits which relies on the city systems to function as a well oiled machine, treating its worker citizens as their property and its fuel, rather than people, of which they dictate virulently. They will always lie and fight dirty to win over their will, using power plays on the people, because there is no limit to power for them. None of this can be an accident, the timing is too convenient and the benefits always go back to the global elite and Ruling class. Additionally they used the media distraction to divert attention to sneak in some more draconian laws to be passed. Here are some of the bills that were voted on while you all were scared and with your attentions kept preoccupied with a sudden threat to your security and livelihood:

https://www.facebook.com/CareyWedler/videos/vb.597876886949839/225876875270720/?type=3&theater

https://www.facebook.com/ThyNewRenaissance/photos/a.879035698802718/2985608508145416/?type=3&eid=ARAclm3wSB9WM0t5T-a_8cOBaABVevjcTG2THLqIC1EPOvshV7juuffWDvXxAwSDCiITsChnMIKLxagb&__tn__=EHH-R

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bu2bT29oRPM&feature=youtu.be

https://www.facebook.com/ThyNewRenaissance/photos/a.879035698802718/2992338244139109/?type=3&eid=ARBnBqmMjoFWy5rC5inTy2qLG79Fy_d8fR6F8jUFoPAO1efa0yVdLF2JVHHHP_EOoRRrjBOpdmWVpZPE&__tn__=EHH-R

The 'stay at home' enforcement is a psychological practice run, which, in essence, lightly mimics introverted living, preparing millennials to cope with self containment the way that they would be held in FEMA camps. They are also using this chance to test out a universal basic income, while preconditioning everyone to psychologically get used to the system failing, so that you will be mentally stable when the big one hits and expecting their rescue. The Corona simulation seeks to condition you to value authority as trustworthy and helpful to coexist with and live under in a state of emergency. They want you to see military personnel as your friends and get you used to their uniforms and level of control over you.

The sum of all of these changes happening at once are presets for Agenda 2030, which, referring back, is a plan to reset society and reboot it to a dramatically different system; which requires the old system to be destroyed. A new system which seeks to spy on every citizen's daily actions with even more stricter surveillance to rank all citizens as the Chinese do to their people, a system which seeks to eliminate cash and property ownership, and go completely digital using RFID microchip hand implants to replace credit cards. A system which seeks to eliminate all classes, personal belongings, and assets promising to treat everyone to the same shared experience of life under a socialist utopia; gifted to you by big brother and the all watching eye of its tentacles of power. Agenda 2030 is not a utopia for those who value freedom, traditional family, and privacy. This is why we see these rights being trampled over now, they are testing to see how much you are willing to give up in trade for more and more security and "free" stuff. It is a lure to trap you, do not let it tempt you. This kind of future is pure imprisonment of freewill itself, and a death promised servitude to serve your all ruling masters of the State. To stop it you're going to need to arm yourself with knowledge and grow with our already growing resistance. With the new powers gained from this pandemic scare, the elite plan to use them to purposely destabilize the already fragile United States economy, and ignite a class war with the target of destroying the middle class. Non essential businesses are being liquidated. Businesses everywhere are already refusing to accept cash with fear of transmitting the virus on circulating dollar bills. After all this they can use it as an example of how the fiat cash based currency reached its finish, and then go on to form a cashless society from the wake of the chaos. If we DON'T call them out now as a collective or take actions to stop them they are just going to continue to make even more devastating power plays like they did this year to bring all nations down to their knees and keep the poor begging the rich for a solution; which they already premeditated and pre-mapped out precisely for this moment, and it is called 'Agenda 2030'. Please follow the links below to learn more about Agenda 2030. What you are seeing is a ruling strategy of intentionally causing the problem only to own the pre-planned solution in the end. They wanted us to peacefully hand them this power with our belief in man-driven climate change. But now since they saw the massive negative reactions and doubts to their climate change campaign they've ran for decades, they have now switched their methods to a more sinister plan to seize global control of all commerce and sovereignty. Please remain vigilant and do not trust the same people that used 9/11 to forge the Patriot Act in place. Stop trusting your Presidents and Prime Ministers, they all have reserved hide away spots in subterranean bunkers which they pledge allegiance for. They all are in on this together and their MO is exactly the same each time they use it, and this should all be too familiar to you by now.

https://www.facebook.com/ThyNewRenaissance/videos/879716535809696/?__tn__=-R

We are you, We always were, You expected yourself. You are Anonymous. Good luck.

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huilianwrites · 4 years

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Here’s a little rant about this whole COVID-19 situation. I read somewhere that historians from the future would love it if more people write about what’s going on on a day-to-day basis, especially in times like this (hi future historians! *waves*), and I do think it’s useful for me to let some of these thoughts out instead of just keeping them all to myself, so here’s a little rant.

The COVID-19, or the coronavirus disease of 2019, apparently, became really pronounced around the Chinese New Year of 2020. I’m Indonesian of a Chinese descent, but now I’m studying in a university in Canada. So, at the start, I was just, okay, whatever. It’s spreading in China, and there’s a few cases in Canada because people travel to their hometown in China during Chinese New Year and come back, no big deal. They can lock down the city, and keep people who do have it and have traveled back to wherever they live in quarantine and nothing big will happen. Oh boy was I wrong.

My friends started joking about the coronavirus at first. It’s really not a big deal for us in Canada, and we have much, much bigger concerns, like finishing our problem sets and our next midterm. So they started joking about it, and I didn’t think anything of it other than noticing how my brother can’t go back to university in Hong Kong because they are closing the universities there. Oh, and let’s not forget, my brother hasn’t been in school for a couple months because of the riots of Hong Kong, and now he can’t even go back. People were joking about how the Chinese government develops this virus to end the Hong Kong riots.

Then, as things started to get worse, racism happened. Yay. As I said, I’m of Chinese descent, so I look Chinese, Even if I don’t, I’m Asian, and people started to suspect EVERY SINGLE ASIAN PERSON to have the virus. At this point I haven’t even left Canada in months, because the flight time home, even for winter break, is horrendous, and if I had the virus it would be because someone gave it to me in Canada, which means the odds of you getting it is about the same as me getting it. It reaches a point where I’m scared of coughing in public, because people will then think I have the virus.

Not to mention that I’m still monitoring how things goes in Indonesia, since it is my country. Until months after the outbreak happened, there is no single case in Indonesia. And people started to think that it’s because Indonesia just doesn’t have the capabilities of testing for the virus. Like, are you kidding me? I’m all about criticizing how the Indonesian public health system is, but you don’t have a leg to stand on by saying how Indonesia is a possibly dangerous country to get infected with COVID-19 when you already have the cases of COVID-19 in your own country. Yes, I’m talking to you, Australia and Singapore. Shut up, and deal with the people in your own countries.

But then, of course, things don’t just stop there. More and more cases started to sprout up, and with it, of course, more and more misinformation. Theories about how the COVID-19 is about China developing this virus to take over the world. Like what? And things about deaths because of COVID-19, people spreading panic, and of course, because of smartphones and social media, people who have no idea how to filter information spreads this information even further. Unfortunately, many of my families are amongst them. There are so many misinformation about the virus, but people are not getting the most important information about all of it, which is to WASH YOUR HANDS! They talk about wearing masks, which, does not really help unless you’re already sick and trying not to infect people. Some people wear the N95 respirator, but they don’t do it properly, and leave gaps between their faces and the mask. Some people went further and wore googles and gloves on top of the respirator.

Then things start to get even worse. Italy started to lock down, along with many other countries. The primaries in the US became disrupted because a lot of people got the virus. Indonesia finally had its first case, and the numbers grow exponentially. People are starting to get really scared.

Students start to petition universities to shut down, because 500 students in one room is prime breeding ground for an infectious disease. WHO finally decided to call this a pandemic, which, I’m still bitter about because they only do it once European and American countries started to get lots of cases. But I guess for WHO the definition of a pandemic is the worldwide spread of a new disease. (And the WHO only considers the world to be Europe and America anyways, but that’s my own thoughts and another discussion.)

Finally universities started closing, including my own. All my classes went online in a VERY short time. I applaud all my professors who had to figure out how to went from face-to-face instructions to online classes in a span of about two days. And they managed to make the best of this situation too. Cheers to you, profs! (I’m aware that this has not been the case for a lot of students, and I’m sorry to hear that.)

Canada declared emergency, and all events are canceled, including a lot of performances. The National Ballet of Canada canceled their performance of Romeo and Juliet, which I’m kind of looking forward too. All of the dance crews in my university also postponed or canceled their performances, including my own. We had two big performances scheduled at the end of the semester, and both of them got canceled. My friends who are in performing arts programs got it the worst though. Their year-end performances, which they must have been working on for months, got canceled. I can’t even imagine how disappointed they are. Even I’m already disappointed, and I only dance as a side.

Then famous people started to test positive for COVID-19, including Canada’s prime minister’s wife. Actors and athletes started to test positive. Though, there’s weird and insensitive things that’s happening. First of all, since the COVID-19 mortality rate for people under the age of 60 is not high, a lot of young people thought this is not really a concern for them and continue their travels and parties anyways. Even if you don’t get infected, other people might come in contact with you and then THEY can get infected. And the parties? Come on, people are dying and getting sick. Once classes got canceled a lot of my friends spent the entire weekend partying. You do realize that classes do not end, right? They just got moved online?

Secondly, people started to hoard things. Toilet paper, for once. That one was weird. I don’t know why people want to hoard toilet paper. But then they start to also hoard food and soap and hand sanitizer. Apparently a guy bought 10,000 bottles of hand sanitizer. That is super weird and insensitive. Why would you even need 10,000 bottles of hand sanitizer?

But there’s good things happening too. There’s a video online that’s basically just a bunch of Italians, singing from their balconies because they can’t go outside. There’s also news about how people are donating things to the communities impacted by the COVID-19. And the little things, like people offering to do stuff like grocery shopping for the people most at risk. This COVID-19 also shows how deeply rooted capitalism is, and this made a lot of people to start to notice how capitalism is not an inherent part of human nature.

There’s this thread online about how the COVID-19 is like a trial run for climate change, which, I sort of agreed. Governments stopped for COVID-19. They change their behaviors and stuff. They could have done that for climate change too, but they don’t, because climate change does not really affect them as a person. I guess that’s too general, but COVID-19, a virus, can literally hit even the most powerful person on earth. It has hit famous actors and athletes. It has hit the prime minister of Canada. They see it happening and they know that it can hit them too. So they act. While for climate change, they see it happening but they don’t care because it doesn’t affect them. They are not the ones starving because of climate change. They are not the ones having to relocate again and again because of climate change.

Someone online (and don’t you see a pattern about how I’m taking information online?) wrote about how most young people are so nonchalant about this disease. And in part, I guess it’s because of how the risk for younger people are lower, but also because the younger people have been fighting against imminent end of the world for years now. We know that the world would die if we continue to act the same. This is just another part of it.

Anyways, I thought that even though universities are closing, residences would not. At least not my residence because my university has a lot of international students. But a couple of days in, my dining hall started to only offer take out meals, and I had a sudden realization that this is going to get worse. So I called my parents and asked them whether or not I should go home. I really do not want to be stranded on a country, thousands of miles across from my own country where I have no family. I called them, I booked the ticket (while arguing with my father because he doesn’t think I should), and then started packing. I booked the ticket on Tuesday for a flight home on Wednesday, so I literally only have hours to pack my entire room. I went to grocery stores to ask for cardboard boxes to put my stuff in, and ended up taking one from the dumpster because none of their cardboard boxes are big enough. I arranged for a storage company to come pick up my stuff, but because everything is very short notice, I couldn’t get them to come when I’m still there, so I had to ask my friend to hold it for me until the storage company can come pick up. And then, on the afternoon, there’s an email saying that residences will be closed on Saturday. Wasn’t it lucky that I had booked a flight home before hand?

Oh, and even throughout this, people are still dissing Indonesian government’s ability to handle the crisis. My friends, who are also Indonesian, talk against going home because they don’t trust the Indonesian health care system. Bitch, I also don’t trust the Canadian health care system, and there are more cases in Canada anyways. So they decided not to go home, but then residences started to close and then I had no idea whether they all decide to go home or not. But for the most part, they had families in Canada, and some of them had families in the US. So I guess they could go there. I’m still offended about them not trusting the Indonesian health care system though. What is it about people and not trusting Indonesia? They are Indonesian citizens. It’s people like them who made Indonesia stuck in this weird limbo of being a developing country. And don’t even mention people from Malaysia and Singapore, and how they look down on Indonesia. But that’s another rant that I will maybe write with better sources.

Anyways, so I packed my entire life in two suitcases, a duffle bag, a backpack, and three boxes in the span of several hours. Then emailed my profs because I have two (TWO!) midterms in the days that I will be traveling. Thankfully they are very accommodating. I started my 20+ hours of flight, plus and additional 10 hours on transit.

It’s super weird to be in a flight with people all panicking about the COVID-19. I saw people wiping every single surface down with wet wipes before the flight. They double on masks and wear goggles. Some even wore hazmat suits. As for me, I know that I shouldn’t touch my face, so what I do is I wore make-up. Normally I don’t wear make-up on a daily basis, but if I had eyeliner on, I’m not going to touch my eyes for fear of smudging that off. Same with lipstick. That worked for me, including in the hours of flight that I went through. I also wash my hands plenty, until my skin felt like they’re cracking off because of how dry they are.

In airports, there are officials who checked everyone’s temperature with the laser thermometer. And in one of the flights everyone had to wear a mask. That was such a weird experience. And then there are forms I had to fill when I land, specifying where I had been and where. All of this experience is so surreal.

And then I got home, and my dad started to tell me to go shower, yada yada. Then he put all my stuff out in the sun, and told me that I shouldn’t meet with my grandmother for a while. All of which I know. And then he started JOKING. HE STARTED JOKING. He jokes about how I shouldn’t be allowed to come into his room, and how after I touch something then other people shouldn’t touch it. Like, that’s the hill you wanted to die on? THAT? I’m super pissed. I am perfectly aware that I should self-quarantine for 14 days, but that’s not how you go about doing it, FATHER. That’s just plain rude.

It’s like he doesn’t even want me back home. Like how I should have just stayed in Canada. Fuck you, Father. Fuck you very much. If you don’t want me home, then you should have said before I fucking book the tickets. Now I’m just swearing, but fuck you very, very, very much, Father.

And that ends my rant about this whole COVID-19 situation for now. It’s 5 whole pages of unorganized ranting. Let’s see how much of this rant I would have in the next couple of days.

Peace out, Huilian

#covid-19 #lian writes #rant

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stormyweaver · 4 years

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Alrighty! Ya dude’s back with another Wa/king Dead fic. It’s funny because I already had half of this sitting in my drafts, and when I got some interest in a Sh/ane sick fic, everything kinda clicked together. I love when stuff like that happens ^^. Anyway, might be a part two, might be a one-shot. Depends on what my motivation says. Hope y’all enjoy!

~~~

To say Shane could be exhausting was a gross understatement. The guy was a true motor mouth, and many a time he'd insert his foot between his teeth just to spice things up a bit. And you wanted to talk about stubborn? An old, grayed mule would be easier to lead than Shane could. It happened around October; half the precinct had either come down with the flu or had someone in their family sick. Rick had initially kept his eyes glued to the ceiling with Shane's constant bragging about his own fortress of an immune system, especially when he managed to contract the illness from Carl. Things couldn't be helped, and Lori did her best through nursing him back to health. And then one day, about a week and a half later, Shane was absent for morning shift. Rick hadn't panicked initially, not until he'd called and got sent straight to voicemail. It seemed fairly obvious to everyone that this was strange behavior, and Rick had already set in mind to drive down to Shane's place to investigate his friends sudden absence. It wasn't too lengthy of a drive thankfully, and Rick strolled up the driveway, a little irritably. Swear to God, if he'd gotten hungover again...

A knock on the door was met with silence. But Shane always kept a spare key underneath the mail basket, so Rick easily made his way inside. "Shane?" he called out, scanning the small home warily. No bottles laying about, or clothes. Shane did have a habit of gaining some new girl about two months apart. Or a one night stand, depending on his mood. Approaching the door to his bedroom, Rick rapped upon the wood before nudging it open, apprehensive as to what he might see. He was immediately relieved to see only one body, and judging by the curly tufts sticking out from under the sheet, it was definitely Shane's. "Son of a bitch," he sighed upon walking further inward until he hovering over Shane's form. As usual, loud snores rumbled from beneath a nest of blankets-- but, why was he under them in the first place? Shane didn't typically require more than a thin sheet thanks to his warm blooded nature. Whatever, that didn't matter now, he couldn't hide behind anything now that Rick was here. The brunette moved towards a pair of curtains adjacent to the bed, inwardly smirking as he threw them back to reveal a beaming sun. A hiss emitted from the blanket pile, followed by a soft groan. "Fuck, close 'em," "Yeah, not gonna happen," came the exasperated reply, Rick eyeing Shane as he attempted to roll over under his fortress. "Rick?" The brunette's brow furrowed slightly. Who the hell else would he think would just come into the place unannounced-- okay, maybe he didn't want to know. "Oh shit, c'mon man, have some mercy," "If you're nursin' a hangover? I definitely won't have any on you," A grunt rose from beneath the layers and, slowly but surely, Shane began to emerge. Oh. Oh, maybe not a hangover. There was no hint of alcohol on his breath far as he could tell, but that was now the least of Rick's worries. Shane's face looked nearly as white as the sheets beneath him, dark circles rimming his eyes, which usually alert, now took on a dazed, not-completely-there quality. Add in the reddened inflammation surrounding his cheeks and nose, and Rick didn't have to guess why his partner hadn't shown up for his shift. He watched as Shane's brow rose, the other propping himself up on his elbows. "Why're you starin' at me like I'm dyin'?" "Cause' you look it," Rick shot back, shoulders sagging as he eyed Shane. "Guess it was only a matter of time before it got you too. Still surprised you slept through your alarm--" "Oh shit, what- what time is it?" And there Shane predictable threw the covers off himself, swinging both legs over the side of the bed. Or, at least he attempted to, but as soon as his feet hit the floor a sudden wave of dizziness had him swaying backwards. "Fuck..." Quick thinking as ever, Rick placed a hand on his friends chest, the other grabbing hold of his shoulder so he wouldn't fall. "You're sick," he said with an air of finality, giving Shane a stern look while he shook his head. "Bullshit, jus' overslept," "Yeah, by about two hours," "Oh fuck, Rick--" Once again Rick had to put pressure against Shane's chest to keep him down. The stubborn ass was determined to make it harder and harder for himself to be taken care of. "Listen. I already called Pete in to cover for you, so don't even start," Although by the look of dogged determination in his partner's face, he seemed all too ready and raring to headbutt over this. Although it would have held considerably more heft had his eyes been absent of that hazy, feverish glaze. It was a genuine surprise when he felt the other's muscles loosen, chest deflating with an unsteady sigh, and Rick retracted his hand to settle back on his hip, regarding his friend with a stern gaze. "Now, what you're gonna do is lay back down and lemme take your temperature. By the looks of it, you already got a fever, but we need to know just how high it is," Though he was staring directly at Shane, he could have felt the roll of his eyes from across the hall. "It's not... 'm fine, man, 's just a cold or somethin'," "Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" The interjection was met with a slight glare and a soft 'Tch'. He didn't need to ask why, of course, but he decided to humor his partner anyway. Sometimes Shane could just be stubborn - other times, he was purposely irritating, in the way only a close friend who could truly dig under your skin to poke and prod at your veins could be. "What?" Shane shook his head, leaning back with arms crossed over his chest. "You're not a goddamn doctor. And last time I checked, it was my body. Man, why the hell do you gotta coddle me like I'm some toddler? Y'know I get it, you have Carl, but I don't need you to mother hen me to death," For a moment, all Rick could do was stare down at him - a rare occurrence in itself, due to their heights typically meeting eye-to-eye - before huffing out an empty chuckle. " 'Cause you're doing such a good job by yourself. Right," Mother hen him to death- he was not doing that. Was he? No! No, Shane was just overreacting, as usual. So why was he even contemplating it further? "Alright, so. Thermometer," In the bathroom, and Rick had already begun heading towards it when he heard another heavy sigh from his partner, barely glancing over his shoulder to gaze at him. It didn't take much digging to find an unopened box containing what he was looking for. Unsurprising that Shane hadn't even bothered to use a thermometer until somebody had to literally shove one down his throat.

"hH'RRUSHHHhuu! 'UUSHHHhhuu!" Rick couldn't help but huff out a laugh under his breath, idly musing that the sudden, booming sneeze might have rattled anyone else but him. After so many years, he supposed his ears had simply become accustomed to Shane's trademark roar of a sneeze. But the coughs that trailed after the double had him hastening to open up the box and, after grabbing a roll of toilet paper as well, he re-entered the bedroom. "Bless you," He began, settling the roll beside Shane, who was currently hunched over on the bed. He seemed not to hear Rick initially, and after a few seconds, Rick had to gently nudge his friend's shoulder before getting a reaction. Shane blinked, staring blearily at Rick in mild confusion, which had the latter frowning. "Hey, y'still with me?" Shane nodded, though even that action held a dazed sort of quality to it. "Yeah, yeah, m'here. Jus'... h-hang on.." At first eyeing his friend worriedly, wondering if he was going to be sick, his concern lessened as he watched Shane's eyes glaze over before fluttering shut. "hHHREESSHHhuu! hHH! hHHUUSHHHuu!" The expulsions jerked him forward, head almost hitting his knees from the force of them. Rick at least had enough sense to turn away, partially to give Shane some privacy and... well, he'd been in the line of fire when Shane's allergies were acting up, and he didn't particularly feel like getting a bath. Especially not when he was sick. "Bless. Got any more before--?" "No," The answer was curt, snappy; just like Shane whenever he caught himself something nasty. Rick wasn't phased just yet, simply nodding and handing the device to his partner, who seemed to hesitate before slipping it between his lips. "Good. Now try an' not talk for about thirty seconds, then we'll see about gettin' some soup in you,"

#greywrites;#snz fic #(tbh if i do make a part two there's def gonna be more sneezing)#(maybe... other stuff too ;3)

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incoramsanctissimo · 5 years

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So..you can answer this privately or post (or not answer at all lol). Up to you. But I just saw your tags in a post about pregnancy that said you don't mind sharing about your experience. Could you just talk a bit about your pregnancy, giving birth, breast feeding, raising a baby and being married? I realize that's like so much lol I just want to hear it from a young faithful Catholic woman. Thanks in advance :)

Absolutely! I’ll answer publicly in case anyone else is curious, plus I’m not really a particularly private person.

I tried to add the break but don’t know how to do it on mobile. I’m sorry guys, cause this is looooong. Scroll past if you don’t want to read a bunch of uncomfortable personal stuff.

First of all an unfortunate but essential part of the story is that I did not act as “a young faithful catholic woman” in the beginning, and it had a profound effect on all the rest. I’m not sure a person is supposed to broadcast their sins like this, but it’s essential to the story. I got pregnant a month before my wedding, which had been moved up from May to October in part because my fiancé and I were really, really failing in the whole chastity department and judged it best to just get married. AFTER that decision, I became pregnant. I started throwing up and feeling miserable and exhausted at four weeks, and got married at about five. It was not fun, guys. As soon as I saw that positive test I fully realized how irresponsible I had been and fully regretted my actions. I was constantly nauseated and threw up most days, couldn’t keep down liquids (so bad dehydration) and was deathly, deathly tired. Because of the hormones, I would feel nothing but a vague depression all day and then all of a sudden at bedtime burst into tears because I “couldn’t take it” or I had some worry about the baby’s future, though at that point I didn’t feel much emotion towards her of any kind. I was working a job I hated too, full time with an hour drive, and I had only gotten four days off the week of my wedding. I have to give my husband so much credit for the way he handled entering the married state with a pregnant, emotionally needy and physically drained wife. I was not in a bridal frame of mind at all and he just took it in stride. I had a much harder time adjusting to the married state. By the way, we were living in a large room in a house shared between my husband and two other guys, one of whom was the nightmare roommate par excellence.

In my second trimester things got a little better. I was able to eat more than pizza rolls and smoothies (yes, those were my 1st trimester foods), I quit my job and got a part time that was much much better, found out I was having a girl and began to actually feel a bond between me and the tiny bump that was starting to wriggle and press inside me: I had enough mental health to handle my husband getting laid off a week after I quit and to actually be some consolation to him for the month that neither of us had a job.

As the third trimester approached my baby was diagnosed with IUGR, Intrauterine Growth Restriction. They said the placenta wasn’t working correctly. I started throwing up again and having super painful episodes of what I thought was just really bad acid reflux. I got an average of four hours of interrupted sleep per night. I went for my 30 week appointment and told the midwife I was working a nine-hour shift that day, and she wanted me to call out but I wouldn’t. The next morning when my husband got up at five he found me curled up on the couch just crying because everything hurt so bad and I was so tired and I just really didn’t see how I could take much more. I called my mom and told her my symptoms and she said it sounded like preeclampsia. Then I called my best friend, who’s a nurse, and she told me to go to the hospital RIGHT NOW. Finally I did, though in retrospect I should probably not have been driving. When I finally got seen they took one look at my blood pressure and rushed me into the l&d emergency ward, where they had me iv’d and cathetered and being pumped full of magnesium before I knew what was happening. I asked when I’d be able to leave and they said “when that baby’s out of you.” I had severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and I spent the next two weeks in the hospital. That day was Good Friday. I was supposed to make it to 34 weeks and then induction but two weeks in I had a night of the worst pain I’d ever had, and blood pressure they couldn’t keep down, and my liver was swollen and my kidneys were about ready to go, so they started the induction. The baby was struggling under the stress of the forced labor so I was once again rushed through the hospital in a bed to surgery and they performed an emergency C-section. Luckily my husband had gotten there earlier that day. He baptized our daughter as soon as she came out and I got to see her later on in the NICU. Her face and head were covered by a breathing machine and her body was so, so thin and tiny, but I knew she was beautiful. When I got to hold her for the first time she instantly became the whole world to me, and I was vaguely surprised at how painful it could be to have someone be your whole world — I had thought I loved my husband deeply but this is a whole new thing. She was in the NICU for five weeks and leaving the hospital without her was awful, but I visited every day and just held her against my skin for hours. She had a feeding tube and I wasn’t able to start breastfeeding her until about four weeks later, but when I finally was allowed to I was so proud of myself and her. I still love feeding her, I feel like it’s almost a way of communicating between us. I feed her everywhere and hope I can help normalize it even a little.

Our baby finally came home at what would have been 38 weeks and it was so exciting and so scary. I had of necessity unofficially quit my job when I was admitted to the hospital so now all of a sudden I was a stay at home mom, in a new house and a new town because we had moved to the country with my husband’s cousin literally the day I gave birth (thank goodness for helpful family members). I just spent my days cuddling and feeding my tiny one. She loves snuggles and in the early days refused to be put down, so I had her in my arms for about 19 hours a day. (I often wear her in a baby wrap, and it is a sanity-saver.) I still had episodes of that same pain I had experienced before I gave birth, and for a long time they were really bad, like screaming-into-a-pillow bad. My husband took me to the ER twice but they couldn’t find anything and it’s gradually gotten much more manageable. After a while I started feeling better overall and seriously taking on the responsibility of the cooking and the house as well, but I still spend a lot of time cuddling, feeding, singing and reading to my little girl, and I think it’s good for her. I don’t want her to ever, ever have the possibility of feeling unwanted or unloved, because even though I wasn’t quite ready for her and she put me through more physical and mental suffering than I thought I could handle — and in the process destroyed all my cute little mental images of maternity — I am truly and honestly so honored to have been granted participation in creating this beautiful, unique, new human being. I had read stuff about the dignity of sex but I didn’t really understand it until after she was born and I could fully appreciate that what we did led to this whole new person, with a personality and attachments and preferences and talents. And the best part? After my body and brain are (hopefully) completely healed, this privilege is granted to my husband and me not just once, but God willing many times over, and I am happy to go through it all again for another tiny human, because in more ways than I have words to say, it is worth it.

#personal #pregnancy #marriage #babies #@that-classic-book-junkie #is that what you meant?#i’ll happily answer any more questions if you made it through that wall of text #i enjoy talking about myself probsbly too mucj lol #also someone plz tell me how to do the text break

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flatsuke · 5 years

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Just for fun: SLBP Mecha Anime AU

I’ve watched some mecha anime over the years and HOO BOY I love em so much! I love how the setting is ALWAYS political intrigue mixed with warfare....good stuff.

Anyway, I thought it’d be cool to visualize an AU where the lords + MC pilot mechas, so here it is! I’m taking a LOT of creative and historical liberties here, so don’t take this too seriously. Loooong self-indulgent post below:

Background:

In an alternate history where Sengoku Era Japan’s warfare is characterized by mechas and droids instead of swords and spears, several clans fight for the power to unite the country under one name. MC still mourns for her father, a mecha developer who died in the last war under the Oda Clan ten years ago, She vows never to get involved with battle and tries to live a peaceful life.

One day, the magistrate forces an able-bodied member of every family to join the war and she enlists in her brother’s place. Her once-halcyon days turn into bloodshed, and the only thing keeping MC moving forward is her will to protect her family.

She is enlisted into the Sanada Clan and they initially berate her for being a subpar combat pilot until they realize she has her father’s talent in mecha development.

Nobunaga:

Leader of the Oda Clan and currently the leader of the most powerful mecha army in Japan.

Pilots the Devil King, a combat mecha that specializes in rallying, artillery, aerial combat, and bladed attacks.

Despite owning one of the best offensive mecha units, he mostly gives orders from Kiyosu, the Oda Clan’s main flagship.

Is not only an ace pilot, but also a genius tactician for destroying clans when his army was still made up of ragtag fighters and amateur mecha units. Nobunaga literally clawed his way up to power and he is respected and feared for it.

Mecha model used: The Fool, Nobunaga the Fool

Mitsuhide:

Nobunaga’s right-hand man and overseer of all logistics and operations in the Oda Army.

Pilots the Light of Honor, a sentry mecha that specializes in energy shields, artillery, rallying, and fortification.

His main job as a pilot is to guard Nobunaga or oversee the army under Nobunaga’s command.

Is respected in the clan for being both a great pilot and an even greater diplomat.

Mecha model used: AW-ZZR520 (NN) Hauser Nonna Custom, CROSS ANGE

Yukimura:

General of the Sanada army and retainer to the Takeda Clan.

Pilots the Scarlet Sword, a combat mecha that specializes in bladed attacks, land combat, hand-to-hand combat, and mobility.

Is known as an ace pilot for having a natural affinity with mecha piloting. He is a better fighter than strategist, and he usually acts on Nobuyuki’s or Shingen’s command.

Thinks of MC as fragile at first because of her bad combat piloting, but apologizes (and admires her) later on when she reprograms his mecha for aerial combat.

Mecha model used: Guyale, Knight’s & Magic

Saizo:

A mercenary working for the Sanada Clan and a master assassin.

Pilots Utsusemi, a stealth mecha that specializes in espionage, terrain adaptation, guerrilla warfare, and mobility.

His mecha is unique because it’s programmed to be synchronized to Saizo’s exact combat pattern and movements. However, it’s also dangerous to pilot because any damage to the mecha will also directly damage Saizo.

Is suspicious at MC’s sudden appearance in the Sanada Clan at first. When she jumps in front of him (in her scrappy mecha no less) to protect him from an energy blast barrage, he starts to trust her more.

Mecha model used: EVA-03, Neon Genesis Evangelion

Masamune:

Leader of the Date Clan and master of mecha flight proficiency.

Pilots the One-Eyed Dragon, a combat mecha that specializes in aerial combat, atmospheric flight, projectile weaponry, and endurance.

Oshu is home to Neo Jade, a mineral known for being a very powerful superconductor, which is valuable for mecha units. Oshu exports about 80% of the country’s Neo Jade, but other clans want to monopolize it to gain more power.

His mecha’s wings can also be used as shields.

Mecha model used: Hekiryugo, CROSS ANGE

Kojuro:

Masamune’s right-hand man and overseer of the Date Clan’s daily clerical affairs.

Pilots the Dragon’s Claws, a support mecha that specializes in rallying, energy shields, mechanized armor, and fortification.

Mostly takes care of matters in the Date’s main flagship, Yonezawa.

When he does appear on the field, he rarely ever leaves Masamune’s side on the off-chance someone tries to assassinate him.

Mecha model used: Prussian Blue Star, Iron Saga

Hideyoshi:

Retainer of the Oda Clan and head of their sub-flagship, Nagahama.

Pilots the Sun Wukong, a sentry mecha that specializes in fortification, mechanized armor, rallying, and endurance.

He used to be a mere foot soldier piloting a scrappy mecha until Nobunaga saw his talent for tactics and diplomacy.

He and his retainers (Kiyomasa, Masanori, etc.) fight efficiently as one unit.

Mecha model used: Goku, Nobunaga the Fool

Inuchiyo:

Retainer of the Oda clan and general of the Oda Clan’s vanguard.

Pilots the Spear of Arako, a combat mecha specializing in land combat, hand-to-hand combat, bladed attacks, and endurance.

Is an ace pilot and is feared for his mastery of his mecha spear.

When he hears the MC is forced to enlist, he vehemently tries to veto the magistrate’s decision. Unfortunately, he couldn’t keep his childhood friend out of the war, so he decides to support her by protecting her in his own way.

Mecha model used: Cypher, Cyber Troopers Virtual-On

Ieyasu:

Leader of the Tokugawa Clan and master of artillery.

Pilots the Golden Archer, a combat mecha that specializes in artillery, aerial combat, energy shields, and atmospheric flight.

Is currently in an alliance with the Oda Clan for their superior army and the Date Clan for their Neo Jade supply, but is patiently waiting for an opportunity to establish his own independent power.

He programmed his own mecha to have a 0.000005% margin of error when aiming, so his projectile aim is almost perfectly accurate.

Mecha model used: Artemis, Iron Saga

Mitsunari:

Hideyoshi’s retainer and a master tactician.

Pilots the Scholar, a sentry mecha that specializes in energy shields, fortification, mechanized armory, and terrain analysis.

Is one of the best tacticians in the Oda Army and is one of the heads of drafting the battle map.

He purposely chose a sentry mecha instead of a combat mecha because he believes he could protect Hideyoshi should the need arise.

Mecha model used: Vassago, Iron Saga

Kenshin:

Leader of the Uesugi Clan and master of bladed combat.

Pilots the God of War, a combat mecha that specializes in bladed attacks, land combat, rallying, and endurance.

Arguably one of the best pilots among the lords, but doesn’t seem like it outside his mecha because of his seemingly happy-go-lucky personality.

Becomes absolutely unstoppable when he enters a battle trance.

Mecha model used: Ikaruga, Knight’s & Magic

Shingen:

Leader of the Takeda Clan and Nobunaga’s main rival for Divine Rule.

Pilots the Tiger of Kai, a combat mecha that specializes in land combat, bladed attacks, rallying, and mobility.

Though the Takeda Army’s mecha units are slightly behind in terms of specs in comparison to the Oda Army, their morale is unparalleled. Virtually everyone in the Takeda Army is willing to die for Shingen.

Lately, piloting his mecha is taking a toll on his health, but he’s not about to tell anyone about it anytime soon...

Mecha model used: Fuurin Kazan, Nobunaga the Fool

Shigezane:

Retainer of the Date Clan and head of the Date’s communications and logistics.

Pilots the Courageous, a sentry mecha that specializes in mechanized armor, rallying, energy shields, and artillery.

He serves as the Date’s public relations officer and morale booster.

He used to pilot a combat mecha, but his old hand injury couldn’t take the strain.

Mecha model used: Taylor Star, Iron Saga

Nobuyuki:

Heir to the Sanada Clan and the army’s chief tactician.

Pilots the Legacy, a support mecha that specializes in aerial transport, fuel transfer, emergency repairs, and rallying.

Doesn’t really fight on the front lines in comparison to Yukimura, but is a very talented tactician and chooses to delegate tasks in the main flagship, Ueda.

That said, he can pilot combat mechas (and is actually pretty good at it). It’s just that he prefers to be behind-the-scenes for the most part.

Mecha model used: Syrphime, Knight’s & Magic

MC:

A fledgling pilot who everyone initially looks down on for being a terrible combat pilot, but later on, they realize her true talent lies in mecha development and optimization, similar to her father.

Pilots the Sakura, a support mecha she developed herself. It started out as a scrappy mecha she was forced to use as a foot soldier until she modded it to fit her better. It specializes in aerial transport, fuel transfer, mecha repairs, and flight sequences.

Spends most of her time outside her mecha trying to repair other units in the army.

Is honestly scared of fighting and war, but will not hesitate to jump into the line of fire to protect her loved ones.

Mecha model used: Magenta Ten, Majestic Prince

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