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ch4nb4ng · 1 year

Text

Stress relief

Pairing: afab!reader x Chan

Word count: 4.5k

Genre: friends to lovers

Warnings: Kissing, mentions of gentalia, handjob, tit job (?), praise, creampie

Note: idk if anyone is actually going to read this because I haven't posted in like 10 months so yeah but rusty but genuinely enjoy writing this so much

Summary: You were a great student, and Chan was struggling, bad. This is what happened when you tried to reduce his stress by 'studying.'

Time was nothing but a mindless construct for you and the many young individuals that attended college. Prestigious or not, it was deep into the second semester of your second year, and if you had to look at one more textbook about a specification type of referencing, you were going to explode.

Being a psychology major was something you had worked toward for a long time. Having a job that nurtured people back to optimal health and wellbeing was something that always felt nice on the tip of your tongue. Nice to tell people, nice to give to people. That didn’t mean it did not come with its challenges. Researching, literature reviews, group assignments… It was hard and enduring work.

It was helpful that by the end of the first year you had discovered others on the same greuling yet rewarding path. Having a decent support system was essential, especially when traveling to the other side of the world to study. The 4 boys and two girls, who would be named Felix, Changbin, Hyunjin, Chan, Mina and Lia would be the be all and end all for you. Crying together, partying together, doing everything together. Traveling to South Korea was difficult at first. Adapting to the culture and language, so having them by your side got you to where you were today. Life is stressful currently, but then again, things could be worse.

“Okay class, this is the last class for the semester, so if you have any questions, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

You listened eagerly, wanting to pick up on any tips or tricks necessary to ace the exam. Cognitive psychology was a piece of cake to you, so this exam was in the bag. The others… not as much. Changbin and Felix were pretty good, thanks to Lia helping them every other day, and Mina only liked to study alone, got too distracted by the lot of you which to be fair, isn’t hard. You were a loud group. Most of the time you studied on your own as well, the occasional time with Felix if he was bored or needed to catch up on notes from readings (and by catching up on notes, basically just stealing yours). But most of your time was spent with Chan. He was good, but always needed a little bit of extra help. He was kind of whisked into psychology, not really sure what he wanted to do. Therefore, Chan had little to no background before coming into the degree.

“Ms, is Piaget theory required for this exam?”

“Tsk, yes Chan,” she replied, much disdain to her tone, “have you not been listening to anything for the past 6 weeks?”

Tiny giggles permeated through the room after the professor's sarcastic response. It made your skin crawl, and not in a good way. It was quite rude if anything. Chan laughed it off as well. He was the type to just laugh things off, but you could tell on his face that he was nothing but serious when asking his question. His ears began to turn red, sinking into his chair simultaneously.

Luckily the bell rang, and you had never seen someone zoom out of a classroom as fast as Chan did. You chase after him, wanting to make sure he was okay and not feeling completely humiliated. It felt like a marathon, you were very much out of breath by the time you caught up to him. Slapping a hand on his shoulder, he turned around, the unintentional force causing him to face you.

“Jesus christ Chan,” you stumbled, completely out of breath, “why did you have to run so fast?”

You looked, a weak chuckle coming from his lips, a single tear simultaneously dripping out of the corner of his eyes. Your smile faded, beginning to feel really bad for your poor friend.

“Sorry Y/n,” he whispered, wiping it away quickly with the sleeve of his hoodie, “you’ve caught me at a bad time.”

You motioned to the bench next to you, sitting next to him as you rubbed his back in circular motions. Chan was such an intelligent individual, it made you feel sorrow when he doubted himself, and this was one of those moments.

“Oh Chan don’t even worry about that,” you cooed, “she’s been rude all semester, definitely had a stick up her ass or something because I have no idea what her problem is.”

That made him giggle, turning to you and grabbing your hand as a silent thank you.

“Yeah you're right aha. I’m really struggling with the cognitive stuff though, and I have no idea how I’m going to do this exam.”

The other, who moved at a normal, not heart attack inducing pace, finally caught up to the two of you,lips pouted and solemn as they noticed Chan was having a down moment.

“Aw Chan it’s ok,” Felix hummed, giving him a bright smile, “we will all help you, promise.”

“Yeah,” Changbin chimed in, “let’s have a study session at Chan’s, tomorrow, 3pm good for everyone?”

Everyone nodded in agreement, you and Chan following behind the rest. He grabbed your wrist, making you stop in your tracks, “Y/n, could you come an hour earlier? Just so I don’t sound like a complete idiot? Also, they’re kind of hard to keep up with. I like the way you explain things.”

You’d be lying if you said the skin on your arm was burning up. He didn’t know, too innocent to realize, but his praise had an effect on you, one too many times. You would like nothing more than to take care of him, in all the ways anyone could imagine. Wash his clothes, feed him an insurmountable quantity of food. Was his hair in the shower, lather his body in soap and just, well, you know. The chiseled state of his body was no secret. The many beach trips accounted for that. Chan was a very good looking man, one of the first things you noticed when Felix introduced you to his friends. However, it was something that you suppressed deep down. A romance was the last thing you needed.

Your cheeks follow a similar temperature. The thought almost made you dizzy. You blinked a couple of times, coming back to your senses and not trying to look out of the ordinary.

“Uh yes,” you shrieked, the attempt to act normal utterly dismissed, “of course. Anything to help you out.”

You continued to walk together, a million thoughts running through your mind as you attempted to keep them subtle, failing to rope them in and keep them at a minimal level.

To describe you as nervous was an understatement. Your hairbrush ran through your hair in a frustrating manner. You felt stupid, ridiculous even. If you had a dollar for every time you went to Chan’s dorm, you would be a millionaire, why did this time feel different? Looking at yourself in the mirror, you sighed, putting the last touches of your makeup before grabbing your keys and walking across campus, heading to your ‘friends’ door.

A gentle couple of knocks was all it took for you to be greeted by your handsome friend. His hair was swept back, forehead showing. His outfit was casual, black hoodie, black tracksuit pants. It was nothing different to what he usually wore, but he looked ten times hotter than usual.

“Y/n,” he groaned, “thank god you’re here.”

He dragged you inside, closing the door behind you. He began to pace back and forth, biting on his fingernails simultaneously.

“Chan slow down, what’s wrong?”

“I opened the textbook, and I can’t stop freaking out. Y/n I’m so stressed, why are you not pacing with me?”

“Because,” you laughed, gripping his forearms stopping him in his tracks, “by the end of the day, you will understand Piaget, and every other theory we need before the exam, okay?”

You were close, eyes piercing as you gave him a loss of reassurance. You weren’t sure if it was your mind playing tricks on you, but it felt like Chan was moving closer. His eyes began to bore into yours, holy fuck he was hot.

You broke away, not wanting to misinterpret anything. Taking a seat on his couch, you picked up his textbook, scanning and analyzing what he was trying to understand. Chan sat right next to you, thigh distractingly touching yours as you attempted to read. You could feel his gaze over his shoulder. The smell of his cologne flowing into your nostrils, becoming intoxicating. Your frustration began to increase. You knew that you were being unreasonable, but it was like he was trying to seduce you. You were already out of your mind, and nothing in the slightest of being sexual had occurred.

“Chan, I can hear your breathing down my neck.”

“Oh,” he moved away, “sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“Are you sure?”

“What?”

You put the textbook down, turning your body to face him. The look of concern on his face, like the one you were met with when you opened the door had not disappeared. A look of disapproval now on yours.

“Can you please talk to me?”

“What do you want to know?”

“What exactly is stressing you out?”

A large sigh escaped his lips,

“I just feel like I’m failing. I had to convince my parents to live here instead of Australia, and I just feel like I’m not living up to what they expected.”

Your heart sank at his words. You sat there for two minutes of silence. You weren't sure what you could say that would be perfect and what he needed to hear, but it didn’t mean you wouldn’t attempt to.

“Chan I-”

“And I have other needs as well.”

At first you were confused, completely unsure of what he referred to. Your mind was ticking once again, rummaging to what he referred to. But when it came to your mind, your eyes widened, mouth dropping before you spoke.

“Oh, I get what you mean.”

“Yeah.”

Another couple of minutes of silence passed as you looked around, refusing to make eye contact with each other. An idea popped into your mind, but it was way too inappropriate to ask. You wanted to help him so badly though, a proposition if you will. It was such a fine line to cross. It really was inappropriate, but the innocent look on his face was triggering something in you, sparking your innermost fantasies and desires.

You don’t know what took over or what in your right mind possessed you to do what you did next, but time moved and all of a sudden you were on top of Chan, arms wrapped around his neck as you looked down at him, like a predator hunting his prey.

“You know, I can help you if you want?”

A large gulp was evident as it paced down his throat. He wasn’t sure what to say, him now analyzing if he himself was being too inappropriate to take you upon your proposition. His hands spread across your rear, gently nudging you forward. He was in unfamiliar territory, not sure how to proceed.

“Did you mean with studying or, you know, my needs?”

The look you gave him was priceless. It was amazing how genuinely oblivious Chan was sometimes. You got up from his lap, saying nothing and walking towards his room. He followed, closing the door behind him, even though nobody else was home.

“Sit on the bed.”

He did as he was told, legs spread wide at the edge. He always sat like this, and it turned you on, every single time. Chan, without knowing it, just looked so cocky, so arrogant, and fuck, did you used to like arrogant men. The ironic thing was that he was the complete opposite. Smart, kind, generous and warm to others. He was probably the only guy that you met that had all the qualities you looked for.

But that was irrelevant now. This moment wasn’t about how likable he was, it was about how hot he was. You took two steps closer, lifting your arms above your head and discarding your shirt. You could hear the audible gasp that escaped his lips, stunned by the way your chest looked. You did not assume that this would happen, therefore the reason why you had no bra on. You stood there, chest inline with his face as he watched you with so much intent. The way he was taking you in, drinking you up like a crisp, refreshing beverage. Chan, not a complete virgin, had little experience. He was a hard worker, never giving into his temptations. If anything, it kind of explained why he was so intense ¾ of the time. Nevertheless, it made your insides throb the way he gazes at you like you were the most beautiful woman on earth.

“If you don’t want this, talk now.”

You waited for what felt like 5 hours, but was really thirty seconds before he shook his head, vigorously. The notion made you smirk. His eyes remained wide, focusing nothing but the curve of your boobs. He went to lift his shirt, thinking it would be the right thing to do seeing as you were half naked yourself. But you said no,grabbing his wrists and placing them on your own zipper. His fingers gently shadowed yours, the sound of the zip the only noise filling the room. Stepping out of them quickly, simultaneously pulling your underwear off as well, another gasp escaped his lips. You were now fully nude, him fully clothed. There was something sick to you about getting off at the fact he was fully dressed and you were the opposite.

“Like what you see?”

“Mhm,” he gulped once more, “really, really beautiful.”

Your heart skipped a beat at his words, but that wasn’t the time for this. Dropping to your knees, your fingers began to fiddle with the drawstring of his own bottoms. It did take long, seeing as Chan liked to wear very baggy clothes. They came off in one swift motion, spreading his legs even farther apart so you could fit right in. He was already extremely hard, the sight of your tits getting even near his cock made him twitch. Looking up at him, his chest was visibly tense, like he was holding in a large breath.

It wasn’t until your hand gripped the base of his length, and you started pumping, was when his chest fell deeply, almost concave in. His facial expression still looked tense, however, you could tell it wasn’t a look of agony, it was quite the opposite. A small whine escaped from his lips when you added another hand, adding more friction to his cock and you began to pump him a little faster.

“Shit,” he mumbled under his breath, too embarrassed to allow you to hear his satisfaction. The muscles in his legs and arms were much looser than they were prior, and the fact that you were only using hands was absolutely blowing your mind. Your arousal was increasing. Seeing how pathetic and easy it was to turn Chan on.

“Is that good Chan?”

“Yes,” he breathed, barely able to get his words out, “that feels so good, fuck Y/n.”

The breathy tone of your name sent a shiver down your spine. It had been a while since someone made you feel like that. You felt like he needed to be rewarded. You maneuvered your body closer, but taking his hands off of his length, placing them on either sides of your chest as you took him in, watching his length slide in the crevice of your tits. Chan jumped out of his seat, jaw slack and dropping to the floor as he watched his extremely hard cock disappear in between your cleavage. Eyes remained on him, your core was throbbing harder, watching his face contour, eyebrows strongly furrowed; he was enjoying every single second of it. Your chest moved with anticipation, tongue sticking out to reach the slit of his tip every time it reached the peak of your cleavage.

“You’re so cute,” you smile, “you’re so pathetic you know, have you ever done this before?”

“No,” he moaned, hands already gripping his bed sheets forcefully, “you’re right, I’m so pathetic.”

“Oh you like that? You like when I take control?”

“Yes.”

“You’re such a good boy,” you coo, picking up your pace, “taking my tits so well aren’t you?” His head rolled back, eyes closed but looking like he was looking at the ceiling. It was almost as enjoyable for you as it was for him. The textures and ridges of your cock not going unnoticed. He felt amazing, and your mouth began to salivate because if he felt that good in between your tits, he would feel 10 times better inside of you. Chan came back to life, head snapping back into motion as he looked down at you, so much innocence yet corruption filled his being. You moved away, hearing the sound of disappointment come from Chan’s lips as you stood up.

Lifting a hand, you pushed him by the chest, laying him flat before crawling on top of him. Still sitting up, you hovered over intertwining your fingers with his and you lined yourself up with his cock. A sudden pang of doubt creeped into your mind. Was this the right thing to do? Did you feel the need to do this to satisfy your own wants and needs?

“Are you ready for this?”

He said nothing, only nodding because he knew that if he tried to speak, it would come out as a voice breaking murmur. Placing your hand on his shoulder, straightening your back, allowing yourself to sit on top of him. A small moan escaped your lips as your clit landed on his cock. That was fortunate. A hiss escaped him. Chan had been super patient until this point, it kind of made you feel guilty for making him wait. But another part of you kind of loved this almost sick power you had over him. He was so complicit, not doing anything and letting you take control. It felt rare, because most of your previous partners needed to have control.

“Do you mind if I do everything myself?”

His eyes never left yours, biting down on his bottom lip as he shook his head, eagerly waiting for you to get on with it. You lifted your hips once more, taking the hand that was intertwined and bringing it to the base of his length. A moan in unison, one of relief and gratification as he effortlessly slid into you. Chan was a decently hung man, but it didn’t matter anyways. You were already so wet and so turned on that fucking him would be a piece of cake.

“Fuck,” he cursed, eyes glued to your tits as the had a light bounce. You began to gently rock, not wanting to overwhelm him at a rapid rate. This was supposed to be relaxing for him, and it was, feeling his cock already twitching inside of you.

“You’re not going to cum are you?”

You leaned forward, pressing your lips softly against his. The electricity was great, moving with so much attention yet sensuality you slipped your tongue inside his mouth. A soft groan vibrated from his mouth the longer you kissed him. Breaking the kiss, he looked up at you, keen to answer your question

“No,” you whined, unsure what to do with his hands, “sorry I’m just so excited.”

“You’re excited?”

“Yes,” he replied looking back up at you, “I can lie and say I haven’t thought about this before?”

A mischievous gasp left your mouth at his words. The combination of him thinking about fucking you and actually fucking you was causing your body to heat up. The temperature in the room increased and the tension felt even thicker than before. You kept a slow pace at first, hands on his shoulders in your attempt to remain balanced. It truly was adorable at how into you he truly was in this moment.

“We can do this as many times as you want now baby,” you cooed, “this is only the beginning if you want it to be.”

You picked up speed a little not wanting to go too fast, but needing just enough friction and gratification to work towards your high. Chan was so immersed in you that his hands barely lingered across your hips. It had come to your attention that maybe he genuinely needed some assistance. It was clear that even though the agreement was that his stress relief was in the palm of your hands, it was important to him that for you, it was equally enjoyable.

“You know you can touch me,” you whispered, giving his palms a gentle nudge upwards. It didn’t take much, almost like his hands were in, or on, their most natural position; your tits. A gentle moan escaped your lips at the contrasting ice cold temperature of his fingertips lingering on your nipples. The long string of moans and gasps from Chan was becoming anything but adorable. Each noise he made aroused you even more. The gentle massage of his hands was delightful. It wasn’t the first time you had thought about this. Especially when you were frustrated, stressed, or having a dry spell, the physicality of Chan was always a lingering cognition. Always there to coax you through your sexual frustration. If anything, this became stress relief for the both of you. Chan because he was stressed out because he needed to pass the exam, and yourself because now you didn’t have to suppress the surplus of fantasies and desires that stayed awake in your mind.

“Mmm, how are you doing Chan?”

“So good,” he growled, “I don’t know if I can last much longer.”

A small giggle escaped your lips. Keeping your composure, but really you were grateful because you could feel the pit in the depth of your lower abdomen. Your orgasm was coming, and there was nothing you could do about it. Although you did all the work, his cock was hitting you in the exact spot you needed. The slapping of your ass against his groin was getting louder, and you rhythm faster yet a little erratic, the intensity of him starting to overwhelm you.

“Y/n, wait,” he paused, making you stop in your tracks, “I don’t want to cum in you.”

A pout puffed from your lips at his words.

“You don’t?”

“Well,” Chan gulped, “I would, but I didn’t think-”

Instead of letting him finish, your index finger was across his lips, completely shushing him.

“You shouldn’t assume things about me Mr. Bang.”

You picked your hips up again, leaning back on his knees he bucked your hips, rapidly feeling the strokes of Chan’s cock. You wanted him to cum, you wanted him to cum so badly. The way you were dying to see the face he made when he came, how he looked at you was your soul volition in this very moment.

“Are you gonna cum?”

“Fuck, Y/n please,” he moaned, his loudest noise yet.

He nodded, jaw slack open as you rode him like your life depended on it. His cock was twitching at a rapid rate, hipe gently bucking into yours as he felt his high coming.

“Would you like to cum in me?”

He nodded once more.

“Cum in me Chan, cum in me, come one baby, you can do it.”

Chan mouthing ‘fuck’ one more time, before completely blowing his load inside of you. His jaw cracked, distressed gasp strangling his throat as he grabbed your hips, controlling your speed as you milked him dry, your orgasm waving over you simultaneously.

“Oh my god,” you moaned, knowing Chan was guiding you through it, but at this point, you didn't even care. It felt too good to discipline him for not letting you do everything. You stood up, a sharp groan coming from you as you felt his seed drip out.

“Fuck, what if-”

“Don’t worry,” you interrupted once more, “I’m on the pill.”

A sigh of relief disappeared from his chest.

You lied down next to him, trying to catch your breath as he turned to look at you.

“How do you feel?”

“Y/n that was amazing?”

You chuckled at his admiration, turning to him and seeing the sweat condensate across his forehead. Wow, did you make him work up a sweat.

“Still stressed out?”

“Far from it.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, hope I wasn’t too overpowering or anything.”

“Absolutely not,” he scoffed, “it was really fucking hot actually.”

Fuck. You kissed him again, really enjoying the validation of your feminine power over him. It was a nice moment, that was until you heard a knock on the door. Fuck. The two of you were so immersed in what you were doing, that you completely forgot about the study session with the others.

“Shit, uh, just put your clothes on, I’ll stall them.”

You nodded, quickly redressing yourself and heading to the bathroom. You cleaned yourself up, looking at the mirror and shit, did you kinda look like a mess. A pang of embarrassment hit your chest. How on earth were you supposed to just hang out with your friends, and act like you didn’t just fuck one of them. Nevertheless, there was no time to think about it, fixing your hair as much as you could before opening the door, and returning to the lounge where the others smirked at you when you walked in.

“Hey guys,” you smiled, choosing to ignore them, “what’s going on?”

“What are you already doing here?”

The two of you gave each other a quick look, praying to the lords that you came up with the same explanation.

“Oh me? I only got here like 5 minutes before you guys.”

“Oh you did,” Felix chimed in, sarcastically placing a hand on his chin, like a detective, “and Chan, why do you look almost sweaty?”

“Uh me, well I just had a shower before you guys got here. Then Y/n knocked about 10 minutes later.”

You shrugged, nervously chuckling and just praying they were taking this.

“Fuck Y/n, please,” Changbin whined, mocking Chan. Your eyes grew wide.

“Yeah come on baby, cum in me cum in me,” Felix added, making everyone burst into laughter. Your face was as red as a bunch of tomatoes. They heard everything. Fuck, this was embarrassing.

“You guys don’t have to lie, you know. We saw this coming from a mile away.”

“You did?” The two of you asked in unison, making the rest of them laugh again.

“I mean yeah,” Felix shrugged, “I’m sure this is what all the ‘extra studying’ was for.”

“No dude,” Chan began to yell, even you giggling at him now getting defensive, “I do need help! I’m terrible at this!”

“Is he y/n?”

“Terrible at psych? A little,” you paused, sitting down next to Felix on Chan’s couch, “sex? Absolutely not.”

#bang chan #bangchan smut #chan smut #bang chan smut #stray kids smut #stray kids imagine #stray kids scenario #bang chan scenario #bang chan imagine #chan scenario #chan imagine #ch4nb4ng #bangchan x reader #chan x reader

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circeyoru · 2 months

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collection of overlords??? I love it so muchh 😭💗💗. I have some questions for this, does reader have any connection to Lucifer? By that i mean are they close and does he visit them from time to time. Or does he just ignore them as long as they don't bring harm to his family and to most of the residents of the ring? I feel like for someone like reader that owns all of the overlords soul, Lucifer would at least be acquainted with them (all of your writings are so addicting, I've already read all of them twice by now)

Go to MASTERLIST for the works. This ask is for {Collection of Overlords}.

Thank you for liking this newest story!! And my writings!! I can't believe there are part 2 requests. Now there's ask!! AHHH!!

Anyways. Back to the topic at hand~ A bit of lore too

Simple answer yes. (ok end of this post, just kidding)

Okay, essentially, I see Reader/you with this background. You were the Ruler of Hell, before Lucifer and Lilith's arrival. Since Lucifer was a powerful angel then fell, you let him hold the title of King of Hell since you saw him to be the one with more power. And the fact that if he used holy magic on you, there wasn't much of a way you could counter it. However, Hellborns still see you as a royal of the highest rank, but they don't rebel against Lucifer or Lilith's reign so it's all okay.

You were the one to help Lucifer and Lilith rise to power once they arrived, nothing like what you did to the Overlords. You introduced them to the demon nobles and the sins of different Rings of Hell. Naturally, they were stationed in Pride where you were formerly. The Overlord system wasn't in effect yet, it only started when Lucifer and Lilith's reign became less public and their focus shifted. You suggested a new hierarchy ranking that was specific to Sinners since there were a vast number of them and they do aim to stand in power. There can't be a rebellion and the Hellborns were in line because of their respective Ring's Sin. What of Pride? Because either the King or Queen were taking their duties, you took the role of maintaining a balance.

Your relationship with Lucifer in the beginning was a mentor and mentee type, since you had more experience with ruling, you showed him the ropes. Then it turned to friends when he was in his Kingly position. While others may see you two as rivals with your 'army' of Overlords and Lucifer's angelic powers, you two respect each other on serious matters. Plus, Lucifer understands that you basically still hold authority over Hell like back in the old days, but you just don't show it. Your history as the Ruler of Hell was painted as a legend that the Hellborns passed on to their children from generation to generation.

You notice how there are eyes everywhere? I'll adapt it to you being everywhere and nowhere at the same time. That's how you keep an eye out for things and know when to act.

Fun fact: Lucifer makes you ducks too, it's basically like a private phone between you two. It's still a bit awkward when you hold up the ducky to your ear. You're also his unpaid therapist when it came to listening to him rant and whine about missing his daughter, Charlotte all the time.

#Circe's Nighty Writings #Circe's requested writings #alastor imagine #alastor x reader #alastor x y/n #alastor x you #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor headcanons #alastor fanfiction #alastor #hazbin hotel oneshots #hazbin hotel imagines #hazbin hotel fanfiction #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel overlord #Collection of Overlords #Circe's appreciation corner

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oddygaul · 2 months

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Chain Gang All-Stars

Great book.

I sort of hope Chain Gang All-Stars is never adapted into a show or movie. It’s certainly possible that it could be done with proper deference to the tone and message of the book, but I think it’s far more likely that it would end up essentially being what Chain Gang is in the story itself - a hyper-violent spectacle that people tune into because they think it’s cool and action-packed. I think Chain Gang All-Stars is very successful at walking the tightrope line of drawing the reader into the story and letting them flirt with what it must feel like to be a viewer of the program, while presenting enough reminders of its grim reality to prevent you from being totally sucked in. While there were times during the LinkLyfe segments where I was drawn in the way a viewer absorbed in a reality show would be, the battles themselves never give in to ‘just’ being badass. They were tense, certainly, and I was on pins & needles reading them, worried about the characters, but there’s a certain utilitarian brutality to the writing in those sections that keeps them grounded. I’d be worried any adaptation would make everything too stylish and exciting, thoroughly missing the point*.

*To say nothing of any potential dilution of the politics to appeal to a wider audience.

— “All other sport was just a metaphor for this.” —

Chain Gang All-Stars is incredibly good at giving every single character a depth and fullness, even ‘antagonists’, so that even the characters who infuriate us, we understand to a degree. The book doesn't justify evil deeds - there’s no excusing Wil’s dumb ass self - but it shows how easy it is for someone to placate themselves, to keep themselves on a surface level and not dig too deep into their own morality, to convince themselves that they’ve done what they could and that all those who have wrong done to them deserve what they get. The fluid perspective switches it accomplishes this with are fascinating, too. We get chapters dedicated to different characters, of course, be it our leads, our deuteragonists, and plenty of one-off side stories - standard stuff. But Adjei-Brenyah also rapidly switches between multiple perspectives within the same page, hell, the same paragraph at times, which gives us insight into a much wider breadth of viewpoints than we normally would.

By getting to see into the inner thoughts of quite a few Links, we get to see how, while their individual experiences are different, their imprisonment has broken them all in tragically similar ways. From Bishop to Sunset to Thurwar to Staxxx, we see a consistent, crippling lack of self-worth. The A-Hamm chain is unique in preaching a vision of solidarity, accepting one’s past mistakes, and focusing on how they’ve grown and changed as people. Despite this, at their core, none of them can truly find it in themselves to be forgiven, because Chain Gang grinds their lack of perceived value into them unceasingly - ultimately resulting in what is essentially suicide. The carceral system does not allow for or encourage rehabilitation, only suffering and self-hatred.

I thought it was a compelling decision to make the majority of the imprisoned characters we follow legitimate violent offenders. A lot of the abolitionist / prison-critical literature I’ve read often focuses on, or at least begins with, incarceration that is plainly, nakedly unjust, like long-serving non-violent offenders and mandatory minimum sentencing. Conversations about the treatment of murderers, rapists, etc., are naturally more fraught - it’s harder to get someone to imagine an entirely different system, rather than just adjustments to the current system.

Chain Gang All-Stars does not shy away from it one bit. We get self-reflection from multiple different Links, both those who regret what they’ve done and those who don’t; we get conflicted thoughts from family members who recognize that their lives have been fundamentally changed by the imprisonment of their kin, but are still ambivalent about forgiveness; and we get, of course, the fearmongering and appeals to pathos used by government and the media to try and stop any ideas of abolition from even beginning to take root in the minds of the public. The book understands that there’s no easy answers, and instead brings all of these perspectives to the reader, demanding they grapple with the issues themselves.

It does, however, make clear the absurdity of pretending that taking someone whose life has been indelibly touched by violence and putting them into a system that encourages and requires additional violence, by the state, by their peers, is somehow rehabilitation. It’s brought to an extreme in the novel, of course - Thurwar’s overriding instinct that every problem can potentially be solved by violence due to the constant killing she’s done is more reminiscent of a soldier returning to peacetime than anything else - but the message stands.

Some of the most powerful parallels shine through as-is, though. Even when you put aside the horror the Links are put through on a daily basis and the rampant normalization of state-sanctioned violence, the base lack of freedom and personal autonomy is what breaks people. Both during Chain Gang and our looks at other prisons, the regimented days, planned schedule, and inability to spend time or talk with the people they care about are basic human rights that are removed from prisoners every day. Hendrix’s silent prison (an idea I was horrified to find has been enacted before) shows this in one extreme - after being robbed of something as simple as his own voice for so long, Hendrix is willing to risk everything just to be able to reclaim that part of himself. Most heartbreakingly, the morning of the final doubles match, Thurwar’s only desire is to stay in bed longer with Staxxx. Leisure time with your loved ones, one of the most basic luxuries a person ought to have, seen as an unobtainable prize. Don’t need a dystopian near-future novel to see that happening.

Speaking of Hendrix Young, the voice Adjei-Brenyah uses for his sections was absolutely beautiful and oozing with character and I loved it. The way he speaks is simultaneously poetic yet so pragmatic - there’s an idiosyncratic turn of phrase in nearly every paragraph, and his love for the world and its beauty is never eclipsed by his cynicism and the horrible things happening around him. His sections were handily my favorites, despite the looming dramatic irony that overshadows them all.

— “I thought of how the world can be anything and how sad it is that it’s this.” —

As a literary device, the interspersing of worldbuilding notes and Actual Fucked-Up Prison Facts was a genius touch. By priming your brain to expect something more fantastical, the more grounded notes become something of a sucker punch. The first few are all in-universe lore explanations - they’re not entirely necessary, you could’ve pretty much got the gist through context, but the thorough explanation written almost as an ad read pulls you into the mentality of this world… so then, when it drops, say, the net worth and founding members of the Corrections Corporation of America and you get the inkling that this tidbit feels a little too specific to be made up, the lines between the book’s world and our own start to blur.

In addition to the unique cognitive dissonance it invokes, I think it’s a pretty effective strategy to convince or teach a reader who perhaps hasn’t done as much digging about the nightmare that is the American prison-industrial complex. Especially given that the main conceit of the book is a little outlandish, it’s very easy for me to imagine such a reader enjoying the story for its plot, but deflecting or doubting the themes with the classic “Oh, but this is an exaggeration - it would never happen like this! It would never be that sadistic”. In some way, the footnotes feel like the author directly responding with a “Yes, it would, and in fact has already happened this way previously”.

I do wish the footnotes stayed as dense throughout the entire book as they were at the start. In the beginning, they come hard and fast, blending the real and the fictional, keeping the reader on their toes. About a third of the way through, though, they slow to a trickle, becoming a rarity. Adjei-Brenyah keeps experimenting with what the footnotes can convey (“Don’t look down. Help me.” was particularly chilling), but the infrequency starts to make them feel like an afterthought.

— “Just jump.” —

The closer I got to the end of Chain Gang All-Stars, as fewer and fewer pages remained, I was increasingly desperate for something to break. Even as the story continued towards the inevitable, even as it showed me there could be no other way for things to go, I hoped for something else. Anything but what happened.

And yet… the ending gives this book’s message a lot of its power. It’s not a story where things always work out and the good guys always win - it’s a reflection of real problems, and those real problems don’t have such a simple solution. Chain Gang All-Stars is about people living in an unfair world, working within a cruel, unjust, system, and still finding the strength and conviction to believe that there can be positive change. It’s about knowing that progress can be slow, and that the system can feel daunting, and feeling powerless to enact change, and still imagining and pushing for the world to be better anyway. And somehow, that it faces that hopelessness head-on makes it more uplifting than a safer story with an easier ending.

#will's media thoughts / virtual brain repository #books #chain gang all stars #just for the sake of the journal i'll add #that reading this after rewatching the hunger games #only lowered my esteem of them even further lol

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mostlylurkinbarelypostin · 10 months

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El’s Letter, Mike’s Mental Health, and Murray’s Ominous Comments:

It’s really no wonder Mike felt like he had to be someone else when he went to Lenora. El’s letter sends the message that her and the Byers are absolutely flourishing in California. All of her issues seem to be resolving and she’s having a great time now. And it’s not just El. Will sounds like he’s also doing great, apparently painting for a girl that he likes. From his perspective, El and Will are doing better without him, and here he is, still in the same place. Things aren’t even getting better for him, they’re getting worse.

According to El’s letter, she’s twice as happy now, she’s adapting, she isn’t missing Hawkins as much, everyone at school is nice to her, her grades are getting better, and she’s made lots of friends.

We’re shown that Mike, in contrast, is having the exact opposite experience. He is becoming more unhappy, he hates high school, he’s not adapting, his grades are suffering, no one is nice to him, he’s not getting used to life without Will and El, and he feels likes he’s losing the few friends that he still has.

A line that always kinda gets me is when El narrates from her letter “You were right, it just takes time,” in reference to adapting. It makes you wonder, when he told her “It just takes time,” was he trying to convince himself of the same thing? And then when he read the response, was he happy for her but also wondering why he can’t do the same? Why can’t things get better for him? Why can’t he adapt?

“I hate high school” might seem like a kind of melodramatic teenagery throw away line but it really reflects how much Mike is struggling in his new environment and how he, unlike El, is not adapting. Of course El wasn’t adapting either, but Mike thought she had.

I feel like that would have been a really difficult letter to read considering he’s very obviously struggling to begin with and now he’s finding out that his girlfriend is doing great without him and his best friend of a decade, who he’s been lost without, has seemingly moved on. In his head it was likely confirmation of what he probably already feared. While he’s been sitting in his basement, surrounded by Will’s art that still covers the walls, Will has been busy moving on, making art for someone else. And not just any someone, a girl that he likes.

It makes sense then why Mike is visibly upset for the rest of the day and why he reacts so strongly to seeing Lucas on the basketball team. There’s literal tears in his eyes when he sees how happy Lucas is with them, and it makes sense. He had already felt left behind by El and Will and now Lucas is slipping through his fingers too. He’s being left behind again. And of course he doesn’t want anyone to see how awful he’s doing or think poorly of him, so when he gets to California he pretends. He tries to hide behind a facade, but he can’t keep hiding when he learns that El lied to him and Will, from his perspective, seems to want nothing to do with him. He’s hurt, and he responds by lashing out at Will. Just like Max, Mike lashes out at others when he’s hurting. He did the same thing to Lucas when he found out that he was skipping Hellfire for the basketball game. He pushed back at Lucas until he insinuated that being “nerds and freaks” was something that they shouldn’t be. He wants them to change. Mike can’t change why he’s been put in that category though. It obviously strikes a nerve with him. After that comment, Mike’s posture changes and he doesn’t say another word for the rest of the conversation. He very visibly deflates and gives up, which is SO unlike Mike.

After that conversation, Mike is essentially back to where he was in 1983 after his failed reconciliation with Lucas. He’s once again operating under the belief that he has lost Will and El and has just lost Lucas too. He thinks he only has Dustin left. At this point in 1983, he was standing on the edge of the quarry and about to step off. While we know that Mike isn’t in a great place mentally, I think he was closer to the edge before he left for California than anyone knew. As many people have pointed out, there’s clear signs that at least Will is noticing his mental deterioration. He sees that Mike’s not eating, he hears Mike talking badly about himself, he sees the anxiety. He also notices when Nancy makes a comment about Mike’s room being unkept. Will is noticing all this.

Mike is obviously now a prime target for Henry given his emotional vulnerability. The ground work has been laid for his mental health to finally be addressed next season.

One of Murray’s comments leads me to believe that the cliff scene in particular will be revisited.

When Joyce can’t get ahold of the kids before the ransom exchange in Alaska, Murray says:

“There are certain things that one can be late to in life. A dentist appointment. A one-year-old’s birthday party, because who cares? That little idiot’s not gonna remember it.”

The thing is though, Mike couldn’t be late to the dentist in 1983. Troy was counting down to when the “dentist’s office” opened, and being late would have led to Dustin being harmed. Mike, who is always late, showed up on time that day and stepped off the cliff. It can’t be a coincidence then that Murray mentions a dentist appointment when the most infamous “dentist appointment” we know of led to Mike almost dying.

What makes Murray’s comments even more suspicious is how the dentist appointment is compared to a 1-year-olds birthday party. Remember that the context for the Murray and Joyce scene was that she couldn’t get through to her house in Lenora. The call wouldn’t go through. This is especially interesting considering all the hints that suggest that Mike was trying to call Will while he was in California. They even made it something that they have to circle back to by having Mike not reveal this to Will when he accuses him of not calling during their fight at Rink-O-Mania. It wouldn’t make sense for him not to tell Will UNLESS they’re planning on addressing it again later. They have to reveal the reason behind Mike keeping his calls a secret.

Given that Mike is represented by the dentist appointment comment, it makes sense that Will is then the birthday party part. Just like with Mike, it can’t be a coincidence that Murray makes a comment about a birthday party given all the weirdness surrounding Will’s birthday. It’s even more suspicious that Murray talks about the child “remembering,” given that it seems like the memory of Will’s birthday is missing for some.

I have no idea what direction they’re gonna take with Will’s birthday, but I do think that it will be an important plot point next season and will somehow be connected to Mike’s actions at the quarry in S1. I think there might be some parallel to the cliff scene, but instead of Troy threatening Dustin, it will likely be Henry threatening Will. I think that Mike will be self-sacrificial as always and try to save him. A lot of people expect Mike to almost die and I could see this being when that happens. Murray’s comments are just way too specific to not be foreshadowing. It would also make logical sense given all the work they’ve put in to hint at Mike’s deteriorating mental health.

#mike wheeler #byler #stranger things #Stranger things theory #Mike’s mental health #Birthday gate #Dentist appointment gate?

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dreamofmetoday · 10 months

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TOM HOLLAND AND ZENDAYA DYNAMIC READING

overall:

they feel dissatisfied with (and worried about) this connection and don't even really know why they're staying together. the main excuse they seem to come up with to stay together is the fact that they don't want to be one of those couples that break up only to get back together - basically they're both thinking, "it would be embarrassing to break up so officially because what if we do miss each other or realise we were right for each other and get back together anyway, let's just give it our best effort now", but even this mindset is being pushed to it's limit. they view the relationship quite objectively and feel they can see where it's gone wrong which is essentially summed up as: getting together too young and having naturally very different personalities. however, they do both wish for it to work out somehow. they both seem to make an effort to actively "choose" each other (similar to the mindset of love is an action not a feeling). they do very practical things to make the relationship work and compromise (the type of stuff you learn in couples counselling, and following "rules" - e.g. the 5 love languages).

how does tom view zendaya:

he really wants zendaya to be "the one" but also feels he's putting in more effort than her (whether that's objectively true or not). he thinks he does a lot for her, tries to adapt to her and she doesn't really reciprocate the same way (thinks she is off doing her own thing often, involved in her own interests and drama). he's basically thinking, "i wish you wanted me to be your soulmate as much as i wish you were mine" and he finds her to be harsher and more critical to him than he is with her. he thinks she's very attractive, classy, has good manners, has a good family (was raised well by her family) and sees her as the best he could ever get. he also appreciates her earthly, grounded nature, finding that she is rather practical and logical, and has helped him become a lot more stable himself (he thinks he owes a lot to her). he sort of takes on the role of hanging back and letting her shine, he doesn't really have a problem with this except for the fact it means zendaya is in the power position (she is naturally dominant over him - she does what she wants, and can leave him when she wants, and can hurt his feelings quite easily even if it's accidentally). her being in the power position means he feels he doesn't have much control on whether the relationship lasts or not, he fears losing her and his biggest concern currently is how he can make her feel like her independence isn't being threatened (he really wants her to believe she isn't being "tied down" since he knows these are concerns she has) but still wants her to be committed and around him often. he would marry her if he could.

how does zendaya see tom:

she sees him as someone who wants to move way too fast and is pretty immature. she knows that tom means well, she trusts his intentions (mostly) but she can't help but feel like tom wants to "own" her. she feels he is smothering, a bit suffocating and she's annoyed that he doesn't seem to understand that "going above and beyond" isn't going to impress her - e.g. he could buy her a really expensive gift but it's not something she actually wants and all she thinks is, "okay so 1. you just bought me something i didn't want and you probably should have known i didn't want it, 2. if i wanted it this bad i have my own money and 3. now if i'm honest and tell you i hate it i become the asshole so thanks for nothing really" (she wishes he would get more on her level in this sense, to just be more mature and practical). she thinks he is too dependent on her and wishes for him to want to do his own thing more, for not so much to revolve around her (as flattering as it is sometimes). she can appreciate that tom is a lot of fun, and that he is witty and easygoing, she is mostly just frustrated with how he seems to always want to be the centre of (her) attention. she thinks he is too possessive and jealous. her ideal outcome isn't for the relationship to end, but to make some more practical changes as they both grow older (she still has a lot of love for him and thinks they are a good match at the end of the day).

#tom holland #zendaya #tomdaya #celebrity tarot #tarot #dynamic reading #tom and zendaya dynamic reading #tom holland and zendaya dynamic reading

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travelling-on-the-octopath · 15 days

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s i hope i'm not being presumptuous here but. i would like to hear your sylvain/seteth brainworms

MY AGENDA. IT'S WORKING.

Okay okay okay. Hear me out: (un)stoppable force v. immovable object, Sylvain being the former. Which isn't to say Seteth is a rigid stick in the mud--he can't be for this to work. Only that living for so long means his constant state (i.e. the thing he can't be moved from) is one of at least some adaptability. In other words: we have a volatile force who can (and does) at one point change for the better, and an object that's essentially a stalk of bamboo in the breeze.

The potentials here are endless.

I have another post somewhere in my blog about Setvain, but that's mainly pertaining to a blurb I had about them in Princes (in which they will not, unfortunately, be getting together). But I think Crests would invite a very interesting friction between them. Sylvain has a disdain for Crests that never really goes away. Seteth is one of the few people left in this world who understands what Crests are. And, as far as I'm concerned, Sylvain's attitude reminds him of how he felt when his people were first brutalized. To see the remnants of your family paraded around like trophies and lauded as blessings--I don't think the hurt that comes from that ever truly goes away. But once it's been done, it's done. You cannot strip Crests away from Fódlani society in one fell swoop without being utterly and indisputably morally bankrupt (read: dabbling in eugenics or creating a new social system wherein the Crested are on the bottom).

ANYWAY. Tangent over. Seteth has had time to come to this conclusion. Even if it'll never be true peace of mind, it's peaceful. The truth of the matter is that Sylvain has a Crest, and it is of value. I think Seteth is the perfect person to help him come to terms with that, given that Sylvain has a very nasty habit of objectifying himself, either as a son or potential spouse.

On the other hand, Sylvain has a very interesting and, dare I say healthy, relationship with duty. At least by the end of the game.

We're introduced to Sylvain as someone who's acting diametrically oppositional to how he knows he'll need to act in the future--but he never lets it affect him long-term. He enjoys himself (even if this enjoyment is debatably a method of emotional self-harm, given it feeds into his self-objectification), but when shit gets real he's one of the first to be on top of it. He's emotionally intelligent, even if it takes a while for him to become emotionally mature, and that informs a lot of his more level-headed beliefs. In this instance, when it comes to accepting the reality of the situation ("I'm gonna be margrave one day, might as well party-hardy while I can"), he's swapped places with Seteth.

Because Seteth has his own unrealistic ways about walking through the world, and they all boil down to Flayn.

Though not informed by nothing (see: that oft-forgotten genocide before the start of the game), he is incredibly, unhealthily protective of Flayn. I would argue he is unrealistically protective, the same way Sylvain has unrealistic expectations of women. Yes, some people are going to act the way you fear they will, but to let that inform every single decision you make in this one area of your life--flirting with someone or raising your daughter, for example--is to take the long route of shooting yourself in the foot. You become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You act as though women will treat you like meat, and so you're likely to attract those same women; you have been proven right. In Seteth's case it's more like confirmation bias, where he feared the worst and close to the worst happened, so all of his previous behaviours have been justified--though credit where credit is due, he does send Flayn to school in the interest of self-defence. (Emotional growth and human interaction being bonuses, I guess.)

Seteth does not need advice on how to raise his daughter, per se, but I think the input of someone who was raised with more weighty expectations placed upon him than he has fingers and toes would mean something. And depending on WHEN in canon we're talking about, this can take on different tones. Pre- any sort of relationship, before the kidnapping, and Seteth has actually managed to corner Sylvain and foist advice onto him? Sylvain would passive-aggressively offer advice he genuinely believed in pertaining to how Seteth managed his younger sister. Post-kidnapping, and perhaps a one- or two-night stand for stress relief on either end? Sylvain would be more earnest and serious in reminding Seteth he is not the goddess and couldn't have possibly done anything differently--not without making her hate him indefinitely for keeping her cooped up in a tower a la Rapunzel like he very clearly has the urge to at times. If he worded it specifically that way, I think Seteth would have perhaps a more volatile reaction--because while he isn't the goddess, he is her kin, and if the world were different he would have been able to use that truth of him to protect her more thoroughly.

So we now have two men who have been irreversibly altered by the world, in a way that allows them to offer a different, calmer perspective on the facts at hand, while at the same time giving them emotional blindspots that are perfectly in the field of vision of the other. We have the basis of what so profoundly intrigues me about them. Which leads me to my next and final statement:

I just think DDILF (dragon dad i'd like to fuck) dick would fix him <3 or at least calm him down a bit.

#sylvain has so many issues. i don't know how many of them are Freudian. but i know seteth is the solution to AT LEAST five.#shyd now i have fic brainworms. take responsibility for your actions!#s responds #nugylienshyd #fe #fe3h #setvain #seteth #sylvain jose gautier

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freckliedan · 9 days

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yk when you talk about mpreg (you absolutely do not have to answer his btw) do you mean the one getting pregnant has """"female"""" anatomy or just . is a cis man who Somehow gets pregnant

coz i've never known like when ppl talk about mpreg do you imagine one of the people as trans or just Somehow being a cis man w a uterus of a Secret third thing like????!!

hi anon!!!!! ty for asking me this i LOVE to yell about mpreg. the thing about this is that literally every person you ask would have a different answer. and i personally am fascinated by how many different ways there are of conceptualizing and writing about mpreg so i'm willing to read most things?

on my own blog when i'm riffing about phan mpreg i would say i'm picturing neither of the options you mentioned in your first paragraph?

in general¹ i am at best disinterested, at worst squicked by mpreg or omegaverse (or even transmasc fics) where the character who can get pregnant's body is referred to with exclusively "female" terms/has a body like a cis woman's/that is pointedly emasculated or feminized.

nothing inherently wrong with that being someone's cup of tea but it just makes me personally uncomfortable bc of how i and the lovers i've had have experienced transness! & i know that's maybe not 1:1 what you were asking with your phrasing but it's something i see pretty commonly so i figured it was worth mentioning.

i also don't necessarily picture them as cis men who magically got pregnant either? that's way closer, but it's less interesting to me on a personal gender and potential worldbuilding level. a lot of the time fics that do this are also going for mpreg being more medically traumatic/dangerous rather than a normal occurence and i'm overall pretty ehhhh on the execution of that. it can end up pretty intersexist & transphobic at times.

oooh no men ever get pregnant but the protagonist of this fic is an exception and it could kill him and there's relationship problems now about this being a surprise AND whether to keep the baby. have we mentioned yet that no men ever get pregnant and that there's something seriously weird about someone having atypical sex characteristics²?

you get the picture.

overall my posting is essentially playing in an unspecified/vague (and impossible) realm where both dan and phil are their usual selves—so overall still have the primary and secondary sex characteristics cis men do—but they ALSO have uteruses etc & maybe an associated extra hole. and the base assumption is that that mix of traits isn't atypical for the universe i'm playing in when i explore concepts?

overall the way think about phan mpreg is much closer to omegaverse biology than our own, but without the more wolfy aspects of omegaverse? it's not realistic or possible biologically. clearly defining that aspect would make it fall apart. and that's fine!

figuring out the nitty gritty of how birth & biology works isn't the fun part for me? the fun part is "how would dan and phil react to an unplanned pregnancy in a world where they are the same besides that being possible for them". i do usually imagine it being possible for both of them to become pregnant and cause a pregnancy? but the details on how it's possible are adaptable moment to moment depending on what suits my fancy.

for full transparency, this is all just in regards to phan mpreg. i think that people could teach college courses on destiel mpreg. there's SO many different interesting ways i've seen that go that are completely incompatable with the way i enjoy being silly about dan and phil. and that's just one example?

my ideal mpreg universes when crafting aus for fave existing characters are very much so in line with "trans man but no need for top surgery and he gets to have a built in functioning dick & balls, no surgery required there either"³. but that inherently takes things more seriously than i take phan mpreg posting.

or i just go with a character being a trans man? one of my OCs is a trans man as well, and in happier AUs⁴ of my original story he gets to have a family with his lover.

i hope this helped but i really have no idea whether it did or not! either way thanks for the excuse to ramble.

¹i have read exactly one omegaverse mpreg that falls in this category that has an execution i actually enjoy, and i think it's because it's self aware and intentional about what it's doing.

²it is somehow worse when people do actually say "this is because the person who got pregnant is intersex". i've never once seen that actually done well.

³this is transgender wish fulfullment.

⁴unfortunately for him his lover is very much so doomed by the canon narrative. reason why i'm on about AUs of my original writing. i post about my original story @unloneliest and @ostrela-wip

#jam replies #anon #mpreg #phan #luckily for my oc jay him becoming a single father directly after his beloved dies badly of swords IN HIS ARMS is simply not in line w the #themes and overall messaging of my story because otherwise things would be so much harder for him.

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mbti-notes · 4 months

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Anon wrote: Hello again. I am always grateful for your responses and your knowledge. I have this topic which I want to discuss.

I realized that when making judgements and critiques I am often objective. I look from all aspects and give an objective judgement which often comes as vague. I don’t have personal internalized values and morals; I often take and adapt external moral judgments rather from my own.

In many situations I can’t decide what is right and wrong, for example with people’s behavior, I see what is supposed to be accepted and judge it that way. I ask people what would they do in certain situations, for example if someone just came and slapped you out of nowhere, and what would their reaction be and try to see what is the right response (to slap back, to get angry, to ask, to stay silent). I see the world too objectively that it may seem a bit apathetic.

I don’t know if this is a result of low self esteem where I see that my opinions don’t matter (although I really don’t have an opinion and I have no idea what I should be thinking), or a projection of fe function (I am an INFJ), or something else.

Just to add that I am not distressed by the fact that I don’t know what is right and what is wrong, I just go by certain ‘universal’ principles, which that I concretely can make judgments of (and are somewhat general). Its just that I am confused why I am like this.

----------------------

There's nothing wrong with being objective per se, in fact, it is often a good thing to be more objective when making decisions. It only becomes a problem when it's actually motivated by some unhealthy psychological issue that you're not fully aware of, which means the objectivity isn't genuine.

There are two main factors to consider, which may work separately or interact with each other:

1) Ego Development: An important stage of healthy ego development is the formation of a personal identity, which includes possessing your own beliefs, values, and ideals, among other things. Having a strong personal identity necessitates self-respect, self-expression, and asserting individuality. There are a variety of reasons why people do not get through this stage of ego development. These people generally suffer the ill-effects of having a weak sense of self. If you believe objectivity requires you to be fair and take every viewpoint into account, then why isn't yours included? For a human being to not have a viewpoint means that they are not fully exercising their intellectual faculties and not properly honoring their own personal needs/preferences, which essentially results in them being "empty" and completely vulnerable to manipulation or exploitation. This is obviously not a good way to be.

2) Fe Development: Overindulgence of auxiliary Fe is characterized by overdependence on outside/objective sources when making value judgments. Value judgments include moral judgments. Usually, the underlying reason for the overdependence is a fear of taking full personal responsibility. If you hold strong personal beliefs and values, especially of the moral variety, you will feel compelled to stand up and stand out in order to defend them. Do you dare live your life constantly getting in other people's faces? Many FJs fear expressing their individuality fully because it would make them vulnerable to conflict, criticism, social reprisals, or being judged negatively as self-centered or selfish. It's easier to hide behind the mask of so-called impersonal "objectivity" when it is implied to be "unassailable". Making the choice to think in the same way as everyone else grants you social safety, does it not? It's a big reason why so many people choose conformity. But conformity is not the same as objectivity.

#infj #auxiliary fe #conformity #objectivity #sense of self #identity #ask

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anhed-nia · 2 months

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I finally finished reading The Phantom of the Opera, which is a total mess and often mind-numbing, but one of its main crimes involves this device I often see in pulp fiction that's sort of curious. Gaston Leroux has a lot of trouble figuring out what you can just summarize versus what you need to describe in detail, and when you should do those things. For instance:

The Phantom's main demand is that the opera's resident diva should make way for Christine. He also wants a dedicated box, and an allowance of $20,000. The managers are skeptical of the widely-believed rumor that the Phantom is a real ghost (because why would a ghost need money?), and assume someone is scamming them. They ignore the Phantom's demands, which incurs an act of violence--and that's the whole narrative purpose of these guys, to provoke the Phantom one time so we can tell he means business. And the main thing is Christine, who is the center of the entire plot; the money part is so inconsequential that it doesn't even make it into most adaptations. It's not as if the Phantom specifically needs money For Something, and also the managers aren't in danger of bankruptcy or whatever. When you take the money out of the story, it continues to function in exactly the same way, this is really not a load-bearing issue.

However, what happens is that in the third act when Christine is mysteriously kidnapped out of the middle of a performance and you feel like FINALLY something exciting is going to happen, suddenly we're forced to rewind an hour or two so we can spend time with the managers who are having a complicated conversation about the Phantom's allowance and also still debating whether the Phantom is real. At this point I know the Phantom is real, Christine knows, her stupid not-boyfriend Raoul knows, and the only thing that really matters is saving Christine and hopefully having some kind of thrilling final showdown (which doesn't happen btw)...but we're stuck with these two pointless characters who spend literally around 20 pages arguing about how it is that the Phantom's allowance is conveyed to him. Like what's the method of administration there. It's incredibly uninteresting and doesn't serve the plot really at all. And at the very end of the book the Phantom gives back all the money, so it turns out that we didn't even need to spend time on this idea in the first place.

BUT we are not done with this topic. During the epilogue the narrator, who has been aggregating all this testimony about the Phantom debacle, goes back to one of the survivors and asks him how the money moves around, and there's this extremely dull description of exactly how the Phantom was able to creep around everywhere--something we already take for granted about him by now--and then there is even further discussion of how the Phantom gave all the money back, which affects nothing. Also in the epilogue is a brief summary of the Phantom's actually-interesting backstory of being a carnival freak and an ingenious polymath who learned the art of villainy from a sadistic sultan's daughter--like oh my god, why is this not in the main story where the 20 pages of money talk is just taking up space and slowing everything down?? But that's the kind of thing that Gaston Leroux thinks is not that cool and he can just casually shove it up the ass end of the story to check a box.

What this made me think about, besides how bad the book is despite the story's enduring popularity, is that there's kind of a thing in pulp writing where MONEY just becomes involved for its own sake. And let me be more specific, because I realize that money is a common motivator of many kinds of genre plots: Heists are a whole subgenre, terrorists in action movies usually want money, money is essential to any mob-related story, and actually there was a whole rash of "recession horror" movies in the last 10-15 years (think KNIVES OUT). But often when you're reading a horror novel, or something like that where the main plot is not finance-related, it happens that the hero experiences a huge windfall or discovers a major stash, and it can be a convenience to explain how they get from Point A to Point B, but it often feels like it's just there for the thrill of it. When we think about the exploitation elements of genre storytelling, we usually think about scenes of "gratuitous" sex and violence that mainly exist to provide titillation and catharsis, but I think there is a kind of pornography of money that sometimes enters the picture for the same reasons. In the (awful) Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series, Lisbeth's ability to steal is indulged with great interest, but it isn't just about the thrill of the caper or its effects on the bad guys; there are quite long (and strangely sort of good) stretches that just involve Lisbeth alone administrating her hoard, shopping, looking at apartments, taking little trips, etc. They're just languorous descriptions of what it would be like to have money, designed to inspire a sense of desire and pleasure in the reader that isn't much related to the story. Knowing that author Stieg Larsson had been a broke journalist who ate nothing but McDonald's all the time seems to explain this to some degree. I'm sure there are also examples of this in the work of Stephen King, who grew up without indoor plumbing for a time. Not that you need to have been dirt poor to understand the pornography of money, but I'm sure it helps. I wish I could think of more concrete examples, I just know it's very familiar. If you read any amount of genre fiction, you've probably thought of some yourself.

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a-sentient-cup · 7 months

Text

CUP ARGUMENT:

In the book Frankenstein by Mary Shelley i firmly believe his creation to have been made from scratch

Rant from last time i talked about this:

Another thing I don't like, how frankenstein's monster is always depicted as an abomination

In the book victor himself said it was sickeningly beautiful, and all that at once was unsettling

And made from morgue parts? Just implied

Victor may have been a college dropout but he was looking at the morgue stuff for reference mostly and designing from there

I guess it's the yellowed skin that made people think that, but honestly he probably did borrow skin

But the bones and teeth and some organs were all custom made, no electricity needed, the moment the process was complete it started to live

This dropout studied structure of the morgue parts, he may have been full of shit but he wanted to create a new *organism* not just a life. He was struck by a vile and random series of thoughts that were the blueprints for making something

He could've started with something that was openly not human shaped but instead he decided to try human 2.0 even though he put zero whole thought while he was making it

So there's nothing to stop you from thinking

The scientist

The creation

The scientist's wife

It's almost parallel

The difference is that pb made a second lemongrab when he was all huffy from being alone. Victor didn't do that, all he had to do was suck it up and build his creation another so he wasn't painfully lonely. But instead he stopped halfway through and it resulted in his creation killing his wife on their wedding night

Except marceline would absolutely destroy lemongrab instead of being quietly strangled to death in a barn like she did

It was the 12-1800's. If his creation was to have fucking pearl white teeth there's no way that they came out of corpses. Victor hand carved those in his haze (probably stolen pearls?) And they were a unit, extremely powerful muscles that are essentially passive body armor against gunshot and can one-hand someone's neck like throttling a goose

I read it in sophomore year and not only did victor betray everyone in his life and his child, but even though he's a deadbeat dropout most adaptations don't give him credit for actually making something so beautiful that it's scary

Imagine that lemongrab but with long black hair and that's the creation actually, except long nose

Like imagine just being born a full grown human with the same mental capacity but no information on what to do to exist

A REVISIT OF MY THOUGHTS AS STATED ABOVE

Chapter 4 of Frankenstein states that he was studying the human body and looking at the decay when he got the vision of how to create life

ALSO IT EXPLICITLY STATES THAT HE COULDN'T REANIMATE CORPSE PARTS i didn't notice that

"pursuing these reflections, i thought that if i could bestow animation on lifeless matter, i might in process of time (although i now found it impossible) renew life where death had apparently devoted the body to corruption (Shelly cp 4, page varies by typing)

So to revise my previous statement: VICTOR, A FUCKING COLLEGE DROPOUT, madw a WHOLE ASS BEING from scratch and was surprised when he seeked vengeance against the "god" that created him

#cup fact #cupposting #frankenstein

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nicksolemnlyswears · 8 months

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Hii there, I just want to share some toughts with someone who is equally delighted with Han as I am. Here I was rewatching Tokyo Drift since I have such a soft spot for this movie, specially Han in it, and I think besides his likeable cool and collected persona, there is a dark side of him that is often unnoticed by many, I mean, the man turned Tokyo into his own personal playground and laughted at the face of the Yakuza and playing it and Takashi like a violin, it requeries a HUGE amount of balls and boldness to do this (we can also credit that to the "all or nothing" posture/mentality as a reflex to Gisele's "death"), and he can also be very egoisticaly manipulative and keep secrets (lies), you can see by the way Takashi was so angry with him, bc he believed Han was his friend and he could trust him, he is a "chamaleon", and the fact that he decieved and lied about his death for all those years to Dom and the crew, yeah he had a legitimate reason to do it (protect his adoptive daughter) but still show he can do it even to the people that loves him, ALSO, lets not forget in the 6th movie when Giseles "dies", he gets so angry that he mauls the face of a goon untill he is bloody red and literally throws his entire body in the turbine of a plane, which shows that when if comes to the extreme that man can go WILD (even physically), and damn, it shows how rich his character can be and I wish he was more fully explored before, can you imagine an spin off from his Tokyo days or early years?! Ok, end of my rant 😅

i took your rant to another level. please enjoy my deep dive.

you are completely right. han does have a super dark side and i often fall victim of ignoring it. his character is structured in a way that both the people in the movies and the audience fall for his calm and collected persona.

if we go all the way back to the beginning han's character comes from the movie 'better luck tomorrow' where he's essentially a little thug from california who had a smoking problem and stole computer parts to sell. in the end of the movie he and his friends took part in killing a kid and end up burying him in a backyard.

that aside he was a teenager when this happens, shit happens when you are a teenager and usually you learn from it and move on. except next time we see han is in tokyo drift (with about 4 f&f movies that haven't been released). i think it's safe to say he did not move on from it but evolved.

now technically speaking this evolving happened because to adapt this character to the f&f franchise he had to be more likable and chill and not seem like an amateur in order for him to blend in with the toretto crew. in other words he had to have useful qualities and a 'heart of gold'. i'm pretty sure had he been the same as 'blt' he wouldn't have been as well received in the gang.

that gap of him evolving is hidden from us because of the time jump from 'blt' and the dominican republic (which is where he makes his first appearance chronologically). i'm guessing he kept being a thug, jumped from place to place, grew and learned his chameleon ways, (it would be so interesting to see if it's something he developed himself or if someone taught him) and committed a crime that made him run from the country.

it's like you said he's a chameleon and he does it too well. he gets along well with the toretto crew but he also had a whole lot of fun in tokyo with takashi and the yakusa. for fucks sake he owned a club.

'you make choices and you don't look back' is his motto. that's something that someone who's fucked up many times in the past would say.

his chameleon persona is the reason he and gisele got along so well. they are the same. she uses her assets to win and get her way much like he does. in fast five and that other movie with shaw's brother we see gisele using her flirtiness to get info and han doesn't mind one bit because he understand. (not to mention it benefits him in f5 because of the $ in the other one to get his freedom back). which leads to my other point.

he is egotistical! he lives in a world where he needs to constantly watch out for himself and he takes it a step further by putting himself in dangerous situations. purposely! with most of the toretto missions he has something to gain. yes, those are his friends but most importantly they are partners in crime.

gisele and han. they loved each other. i'm not taking that away from them. it's completely reasonable for han to mourn her and beat the guy to death. but also he's so upset because he lost the other person that understood him in that deeper level. we don't know much about their relationship but if he was going to show his true colors to anyone, his whole self, it would've been gisele.

i agree with you that the reason he adapted that 'all or nothing' mentality was due to gisele's death. people react different to a loved ones death. it can explain this regression he did to more dangerous endeavors in tokyo drift. even though gisele didn't even exist in the creators mind. im taking creative liberty here to give han more depth lol.

while he did lie about his death lets not forget he let dom know he was alive with the postcard. i want to believe the whole elle deal kinda gave him a wake up call for all he did in tokyo. he remembered he once wanted to settle down with gisele and maybe taking care of elle made that dream a version of his reality. just because gisele is gone doesn't mean he can't slow down and take it easy.

bottom line, han is not the saint he appears to be. he's dangerous and impulsive and manipulative and egotistical. but it doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad guy. he also shows a lot of good qualities throughout the movies but i'm not getting into them or i'll be here forever.

han lue (seoul-oh) is one of the best well developed and interesting characters in F&F whether is was on purpose or not. i quite like there's mystery behind him.

they always say to watch out for the quiet ones and i agree.

#han lue #fast and furious #fast & furious #han seoul oh

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sketching-shark · 1 year

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Bangs head on my desk. Its sooooo fucking hard I have literally most of the LMK fandom blocked and I still can’t fucking escape that mid ass pairing I want to explode. Honest to god it sucks because I actually like analyzing LEMH and Sun wukong’s dynamic when it comes to the original story and like the idea of a character trying so hard to be this other person they just fundamentally erase any aspect of who they could be. That shit is interesting (especially if you interpret the two as actual family bc there’s a level of. Tragedy there) but NOOO mfs wanna focus on shipping clones/siblings together instead and painfully writing both characters ooc instead of just making an oc good fucking god. ( that being said I really like the art you draw of LEMH. It’s really cool. Keep up the good work 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾)

fregarewargtfds I once saw someone describe the LEMH & SWK ship as jttw retellings's reylo and. hm. yeah.

BUT YEAH YEAH YEAH to this day one of the things I find most baffling about the western monkie kid & jttw fandom is this widespread refusal to even recognize LEMH's actions in the og classic. Because it's like: here we have what could very well be one of literature's first instances of the "evil twin" trope and it's being done SPECIFICALLY in a way to create the maximum amount of conflict and uncertainty for SWK!

Because on one hand the false monkey of the true and false monkey king arc is essentially the very embodiment of everything that SWK ever wanted; LEMH, in copying SWK so completely, does it in such a way where he gets to be both a yaoguai warlord with a loving family AND a holy pilgrim bound for glory at the exact same time, whereas SWK is constantly being forced to choose between the two! But LEMH's also doing it in the worst way possible! He beats Tang Sanzang into unconsciousness, steals their stuff for his own use, and in so doing drives a serious rift between SWK and the pilgrims!

He clearly doesn't give af about the Mt. Huaguoshan monkeys outside of how they can serve as his personal tools to fulfill his own aims! He just wants them to use their own powers of transformation so that they can serve as his own obedient group of pilgrims! He even eats one of them as part of a merry feast he throws for himself after a violent encounter with Sha Wujing, and immediately has that monkey replaced with another! And he's doing ALL of this wearing SWK's face and adapting SWK's mannerisms! EVERYONE thinks that it's SWK doing these things! It's like LEMH's very existence is throwing it in SWK's face how this horrible version of himself is closer to achieving ALL of SWK's desires than SWK ever was, and that no matter how much SWK tries to change for the better even the two sides of his beloved family automatically think even this version which would inflict such violence on them is the "true" him! No wonder SWK hated him so much!

And AUGH the possibility of LEMH either being a manifestation of SWK's worst impulses or of being his brother just ramps the tragedy and horror of this situation even more! Like if it was part of SWK inflicting all this pain on the people SWK loves most, well there is truly something messed up about this situation where even if it's not technically "you" going along with your worst impulses they will still hurt people! Could you ever trust yourself again? Should you? How much of the blame for this situation lies with you? And can it be enough to fully acknowledge you have violent impulses but don't act on them?

And yes @the-bitter-ocean even in interpretations where LEMH is some random yaoguai who decides to commit identity fraud the story from his point of view of him throwing away his identity so completely that there's basically nothing left of him is just...goddamn. In his ambition he literally reduced himself to one part of SWK's story, just one more obstacle for the Monkey King to overcome.

And SCREAM if LEMH was SWK's brother? Imagine this situation where for SWK he's confronted by what is essentially the culmination of his failures to protect his family, where his beloved brother (I'm saying beloved because SWK loved all members of his monkey family very much) ended up despising SWK so much that he has essentially destroyed everything that he was or could have been in his bid to be the "real" monkey king and bring glory back to that name, but does so in the worst way possible to the point where SWK feels he has to take down LEMH himself. And then for LEMH, you can see how love and admiration for his brother would be twisted into resentment, envy, obsession, and hatred due to the series of atrocities the Mt. Huaguoshan simians faced in large part as a consequence of SWK's challenge to the heavens and his own sense of entitlement, so that eventually he convinced himself he would be a more "true" monkey king than the monkey king himself, and thus completely discarded his own identity to take on that of his brother, and in doing so basically tossed his own morals given how his "version" of the monkey king cares for no one but himself.

Sorry for the rant! But all the pieces for a whole series of interesting tragedies are! Already! Right! There!!!!! Why are we all so hellbent on ignoring/rewriting them!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

#ask answered #xiyouji #jttw #journey to the west #monkie kid #sun wukong #six eared macaque #btw does anyone know when/if those animations about SWK & LEMH that came out a few years ago will ever appear in the west?

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thefirstknife · 1 year

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wait is Banshee Clovis????

I heard someone mention that before and I don't know what lore they were mentioning but?? I feel like thay should come up? Especially in this season? That there's two Clovis' roaming around? Do Elsie or Ana know?

Also Banshee seems alot..nicer? Then "our" Clovis? Is there a change of heart he had that Clovis didn't have?

Is it possible for current Clovis to still have thay change of heart?

Yes! It's been dealt with back in Beyond Light, in the exotic quest for the Lament sword. The Lament itself was a sword that Clovis made for his Exo, but Banshee adapted it to fight the Vex and became famous for it. The perk on the sword, Banshee's Wail, is what Banshee named himself after; the noise the sword makes reminded those around him of a wail of a banshee so they nicknamed him Banshee.

Roughly in order, relevant sections: step 1, step 2, step 3, step 4, step 5

Lore book that ends with full reveal.

Lament lore tab.

Clovis originally uploaded himself into two places: the AI head which never lost any memories because it had to keep watch over his legacy and also into an Exo that would be his frame/body. However, the Exo itself split off into a separate person, essentially. Upon learning what Clovis did, the Exo was horrified and went to be his own person. He also requested that the name is changed to Banshee so that he's not referred to as Clovis.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, Banshee's memory issues kept this hidden because he simply did not remember due to too many reboots. He also still forgets things so telling him over and over that he's Clovis doesn't make much sense. He really essentially isn't the same Clovis anyway.

Clovis also wanted us to bring him Banshee so that he can take "his own" Exo under control, but we refused. Keeping Banshee safe in the Tower and without this memory is better for everyone. There's really not much that can be done without constantly reminding Banshee about it over and over.

I'd assume that's why Elsie and Ana just don't want to bother him. Elsie knows for certain, as she was the one who helped him reboot into Banshee. I'm not sure if she told Ana; possibly not due to the fact that it would have to involve reminding Banshee about it again.

The only reason why Banshee turned out to be better is because Clovis uploaded himself into an Exo without memories and allowed himself to view all atrocities he did from an outsider's perspective. Since current Clovis knows about all of that and is proud of things he's done, I don't think there's much hope that we can convince him that he's done horrible things.

It's a good example of the whole Darkness/memory and Light/forgetfulness dichotomy. Clovis embodies it perfectly; without the memory wipe, he is unable to see what he's done to get where he is, but the moment he lost those memories and was told what he did, he inherently understood how bad it was and wanted nothing to do with it.

#destiny 2 #banshee-44 #clovis #lore vibing #ask

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destinyc1020 · 4 months

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I gotta disagree, The competition for Wonka was not high at all when you factor in who the audience is (mostly kids). The only competition it has is Migration (I know you mentioned Wish, but that had an earlier release and kids aren't going to see the Color Purple and Aquaman too is a bit too mature for younger audiences) which is also doing fairly well. December is not a difficult month to succeed in at all - kids are off of school, which means that the potential for kids movies in particular to break out is sky high. Throw in Paul King and the holiday theme, and it making money shouldn't be a surprise.

Also, I just don't buy that any young actor is a significant draw without an IP. Unpopular opinion maybe, but I think Zendaya is the closest to being a legitimate draw WITHOUT an IP. We've already seen her success with Euphoria, which is an original(ish, since it was adapted but from a very unknown show) property. Things like Wonka and Uncharted are good vehicles to use as claims that actors like Timothee and Tom are box office draws, but those are characters and properties that already had fanbases.

It's interesting that Tom essentially was the first of his generation to reach that box office milestone (and tbh it was impressive, because fans and critics were against that film but it still succeeded despite that - in context that is a pretty large indicator that he marketed it so well that people came for him), but you have analysts now forgetting that accomplishment or minimizing it. The same will happen with Timmy once his movies are released and there's a gap in between his released projects, and someone else will pop up to get the hype. I feel like people just want there to be 'one' actor who is 'the' box office draw of their generation, but the truth is that there will be several, because it would be so boring with just one! I bet Paul Mescal will have a similar moment with Gladiator, which might be a similar thing with an IP getting him some good momentum. Austin I don't doubt will find the same. Hoping a POC actor gets to because it is honestly so frustrating that the leading actors right now are white for such a young generation.

But yeah this might be an unpopular opinion but it's very interesting to me how these studios and actor's agents are putting them in IP films to boost their box office cred, but put them in an original project and how much money will they bring in? It's depressing in a way bc studios are leaning away from original projects because they make less money, but original projects are so much more interesting at times. That being said, I know TDATT and TCR pulled great streaming numbers but it's hard to get a box office equivalent. That's why I'm so excited for Zendaya and I really hope Challengers does well, because that will make a really unique accomplishment that none of her peers have gotten to yet - her being a draw in both IP and original properties. I don't want to speak too soon but I really feel like especially seeing Sydney's movie having success, Challengers could be huge for its genre for Z.

Whew girl...this was a LOT!

Anyway.... I'll try not to be too lengthy in my response... But here it goes... I know it's a kid's movie, but I think we need to also realize that NOT all kid's movies do well at the box office lol. 😅 I think people forget that. Especially if it doesn't have the studio DISNEY attached to it. Let's be real. Yea, "Wish" came out earlier, but it was still out around the same time that "Wonka" came out, and also "Migration". People had OPTIONS. Parents didn't HAVE to take their children to see "Wonka". Yea, it's a kid's movie, but parents still gotta wanna be interested too lol. 😅

RE: Zendaya... Zendaya has been in IP films before (i.e. Spider-Man), but "Challengers" will be the FIRST film where she's playing a LEAD role, and the film has nothing to do with a popular IP (or sequel). So, I'm really excited about how it's going to do! 😃 I honestly think the film will do better than most people expect? Given how well Sydney and Glen's rom-com is doing, I think Zendaya's film will be a good box office draw as well. Zendaya is SUPER huge and popular. Like, I think it's good to take that into consideration as well. She's a bigger name than most of the other actors you have mentioned in your post.

Some people have films do well box-office wise simply because they're SOOOO famous and everyone loves them to death, so people will support whatever they do. There's nothing wrong with that either! I'm actually more impressed with those who can be a box office draw even despite not being hugely famous or popular, but simply because the film was a GOOD and well-made film, and people just liked the actor in the role, even if they don't really know them all that well. To me, those successes are really like, wow.... Okay... You're really doing something here.

Lastly...... Look, I know some of you all hate Timmy in here, but I don't think we need to UNDERmine the success of the "Wonka" movie y'all lol.... 😅 It's doing really well! I don't see anything wrong with that.... It was always going to be a film that came out around Christmas.🤷🏾‍♀️

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persnickety-peahen · 2 years

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i saw a post talking about how wild the human brain is, and in the comments, someone mentioned aphantasia, which made me feel things and i just have to talk about it so here ya go all seven of my followers and people interested in whatever tags i end up using:

if you don't know what aphantasia is, no shame at all. although it's becoming more widely known and researched, it's still a fairly obscure neurological condition. heck, i only know about it because i read an article on it once about six years ago and realized, hey, i have that!

essentially, aphantasia is the lack of a mind's eye, an inability to voluntarily produce mental images. sometimes it's acquired after a brain injury, but it's predominantly just something folks are born with. estimates about the number of people it affects vary pretty significantly—i've seen everything from 1% or less to as much as 5% of the global population! that's wild! statistically, that means you might probably know someone with aphantasia . . . or maybe you have it yourself but, like me, didn't even know it was a thing until someone told you it was and now you've got a little mini existential crisis on your hands where you realize that the brains of at least 95% of the people you know work in a fundamentally different way from your brain and you're missing out on an experience they all have in common and aaaaah

i don't know anyone else irl who has aphantasia, so when i find someone online who does it's like that moment when a dog sees another dog and recognizes that they're a dog and just goes absolutely crazy. i am consumed by the desire to overshare infodump about all the ways aphantasia has affected my life and then compare notes like, do you also have such a bad autobiographical memory that more than half of your childhood memories are actually reconstructions based on stories other people have told you about your own life? do you also sometimes get unreasonably anxious about being a victim of a crime someday and getting a good look at the perpetrator but not being able to describe them to police later because you can't picture what they look like and even a sketch artist wouldn't help and would probably only make things worse as whatever they draw would slowly replace what little memory you do have? are you one of those aphantasiacs who never got into reading because you couldn't picture things? or are you like me and loved reading anyway, but a) got really bored and pulled out of it when authors spent time describing what something or someone looked like because it didn't do anything for you and b) got really confused when your friends would talk about how they didn't like the movie adaptation of something because it "wasn't how they pictured it when reading" and you didn't know what the hell they meant by that? and then you went on to become a creative writer obsessively concerned with imagery and if you have enough of it to satisfy those people who actually like when things are visually described? do you want to get into drawing but give up in frustration every time you try because of the lack of direction you experience from not having an image in your mind's eye to that you're trying to draw in the first place? do you need visual aids to really understand certain scientific and mathematical concepts? were you frustratingly bad at making and interpreting graphs for school projects and presentations? and now you hope you picked a career path where you won't ever have to do that ever again?

are you also terrible at estimating distance and length and height because words like "foot" or "meter" mean nothing to you, much less bigger measurements like miles and kilometers? do you also need google maps to get anywhere despite living in the same city your whole life because lacking a mind's eye also means you lack the ability to make mental maps? were your inability to navigate and difficulty with measurements something people made fun of you for the same way they made fun of me for it? and now that you know you have aphantasia you can snap back at them and be all, actually the reason i can't navigate or understand measurements is because of a neurological condition so you're basically making fun of me for being disabled, how about that? do you also sometimes get sad and think about how you don't really remember anymore what your loved ones who've passed away look like? or even what your loved ones who aren't currently in the same room as you look like? how you rarely notice if someone got a haircut or new piercing or tattoo or otherwise changed their appearance because you can't visually compare it to how they looked the last time you saw them?

when you try to picture a loved one's face, what happens? me, i run through a list of traits in my head, oftentimes more focused on personal attributes than physical ones because that's what i'm actually capable of remembering consistently. i don't just know what someone's hair or eye color is—i have to memorize it, like a fact for school. mom and dad have blue eyes. my husband has hazel-ish green eyes. my best friend is blonde, but her hair is darker now than it was when we were kids, and she got glasses while we were going to college in different cities, i should know that by now and stop being surprised when i see her wearing glasses. her mom, my second mother, has straight brown hair and a long face, but i can't remember what color her eyes are even though i've known her for twenty years. i think they're blue, but i can't picture it. i don't know for sure, and if i think about it too long it kills me. when i have kids, will i remember their eye colors? or will i have to ask my husband if he knows?

i take a lot of pictures. all the time, of everything—of people, of scenery, of my food, or myself, of pets and cools animals i see strolling around the city. boomers criticize me for not living in the moment, and it makes me feel awful, like i have to choose between experiencing something and remembering it. cause yeah, without the pictures, i would forget. i keep movie stubs and playbills and fair tickets and museum handouts and even fucking hospital bracelets, and i cherish them the same way other people cherish religious items.

it's lonely sometimes, having aphantasia.

the people close to me know about it, so they know how to accommodate me in relation to it, and they're supportive and interested in learning more. but they don't live with it themselves, so even though they know what it is, they don't know what it is, ya know? their knowledge is all second hand. as wonderful as my people are, when i'm really feeling my aphantasia and getting into those sad thought spirals, talking with them about it just isn't the same as it would be to talk with someone else who has aphantasia and has dealt with the same issues and feelings about it

i guess in the end i just want what we all do: community. when i find someone else with aphantasia, i don't wanna be like a dog seeing another dog because i'm so starved for contact with other folks like me; i wanna be like someone recognizing another member of a long distance club i regularly participate in, like hey! same hat! and then go about the rest of my day because i'm satisfied with the community i have. ya know?

anyways yes this is a free invite to message me if you have aphantasia or think you might have it and you wanna compare notes and chat about shared experiences, or alternately if you know someone who has aphantasia or are just curious about it and want to learn more about it :D

#i almost made the ah longer to better convey the sense of existential panic #but long nonsense words like that or strings of emojis can be hell for folks with screen readers #aphantasia #loneliness #the intense desire for community #just neurodivergent things #maybe #cause like yeah obviously aphantasia impairs my ability to do certain things in a way that causes distress #but does that make it a disability?#cause disability feels like way too big and important a word for my experience with aphantasia #like i'm being overdramatic about something that doesn't actually impact me that much #but then again it does significant affect the way i interact with and see the world #and it is literally a neurological condition #can i call myself neurodivergent?#do i have a right to use that identity and claim it as my own?#language is hard #long post

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