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spade-riddles · 3 years

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Submission: Adjusting expectations

Okay, guys. Wading in here where it’s possible no-one wants me, but … here goes.

We - Kaylors - are in a hard place right now. People feel hurt, they feel hopeless. They feel like they were led on by the likes of Spade. I’m not here to invalidate any of the feelings that come from seeing Karlie and Taylor play out this charade.

But I think we (collectively, as a fandom) need to take a breath and ask if any of this is really as bad or unfixable as we think it is. Because, for me, the recent stunting is hard to stomach but not truly surprising. On some level this is how I expected Karlie and Taylor to handle both the birth of the baby and the launch of the rerecorded albums. As much I wanted to believe in the idea of spring breaking loose and bringing with it a fervent revolution … I could see the pieces still in play on the board and I doubted it was coming.

I think the problem is that there was a split between the optimist and pragmatist sides of the fandom, over the last year or so. To be clear - I’m not judging the optimist side of the fandom. Not at all. Taylor has pulled wildcard moves before, and emotions run so high in all this, especially with a baby involved now, that I don’t blame people for wanting to believe the best. But it reached a stage where some of the things people were trying to talk themselves into were just wildly unrealistic. And when that happens, of course you’re going to get hurt. It’s inevitable.

But let’s really look at this for a second. We should have known that neither Karlie nor Taylor was going to be shaving her beard in March. Ditching Jerk right after or just before the birth would have been too soon for Karlie. It’s not unusual for a celeb marriage to fizzle out within a year of the birth, but before the baby even arrives? That would be weird, and would draw attention just when it seems Kaylor don’t want it. They just had a baby. That’s an adjustment in itself, and Karlie is suffering enough social media hate on top of that. I wouldn’t blame her for just wanting to take a break and lie low during this difficult time. And unfortunately, for Karlie, that means maintaining the status quo of the situation she put herself in with Jerk. She may be doing the bare minimum to maintain it, but if she wants to avoid attention, she has to make it seem like everything between her and her “husband” is normal. And that she’s trying to make it work, which I believe will be important later. Good people try to make it work, even in bad relationships.

Toe wasn’t going anywhere either. Taylor had relied on him so heavily during the promotion of Folklore, with the William Bowery narrative, that she was almost backed into a corner. She had to give some allusion to his air quotes “creative input” and their so-called happy relationship, or her failure to do so would have become the story and overshadowed her night. The headlines would have either been break-up speculation or complaints that she didn’t give him his due. We think the cutesy coverage after she named him in her acceptance speech was bad, but negative headlines have a far longer shelf life and can take on a life of their own. They would have been worse. Whatever we might think of Taylor’s actions, Folklore is one of her best albums and she deserved to have her night.

So, on to the announcement of the birth. This is a tricky one, and again, I completely understand why people reacted so badly against it. It was everything we as a fandom said we didn’t want. It was Jerk using the baby for personal good PR. But I have to be honest here. I always thought we were kidding ourselves believing he would NEVER be seen with the baby or implied to be the father. I do believe Karlie is doing her damnedest to minimize the digital footprint of his involvement and keep her actual baby out of it. But he was always going to get to bask in the glow of playing daddy for a while. It’s the trade off Kaylor made when they used him to shore up their closet.

This is also why I increasingly suspect the timing of the announcement got the green light from Kaylor too. If Jerk was always going to be assumed to be the father of Karlie’s baby, then there was always going to have to be a birth announcement that incorporated him somehow - unless the girls were ready to answer awkward questions, and it doesn’t seem like we’re there yet. So the best way to minimize the damage is to have his moment of glory overshadowed by a bigger win for Taylor. It worked pretty well actually. Even on Kaylor blogs the stunt was mostly buried by Taylor content.

I know a lot of fans feel gaslit by all the hints, but I do think there’s a possibility Taylor really didn’t grasp how hurt Kaylors would be. From her perspective, she “fed” fans three times over that night. She gave us a beautiful performance, a gorgeous red carpet moment, and a win to celebrate. I think it’s possible she really didn’t realize the double whammy of stunting that night would make it all feel worthless for many.

Taylor is in an awkward position. As a consequence of Kaylor retreating into the closet, the support base for them has shrunk. (When I use the words “Kaylor fandom”, I refer to this support base.) I would say Kaylor fandom consists of two parts. There is a silent portion, who observe events and comment anonymously, but don’t say anything “on main”. And then there are the small corps of true believers, who think Karlie and Taylor are still together and the baby is theirs. This latter group do most of the actual talking about Kaylor, but they tend to be pretty battle-hardened. They’ve been around for years, they never believe any of the stunts and their capacity to be hurt by them is, as a result, pretty limited. These Kaylors criticize sometimes, but they tend to fall back in line eventually and mostly adopt a “let’s wait and see how this all shakes out” approach. The problem is that I would say these “chilled” Kaylors are the minority. For their own sanity they curate their blog experience and often don’t post the more negative anons they get. Which is fine, but if you were looking at it from the outside, I could see how it might create an impression that the fandom as a whole can roll with the punches. And for a lot of the silent majority, that’s not the case.

But again, I can see how Taylor might not necessarily know that. She went quiet after the Grammys, when I might have expected more celebratory posts from her. If I had to guess, I’d say she didn’t expect the backlash. I’m especially noticing a backlash against her for allowing Karlie to take so many hits while her own reputation has never been better. And I can’t defend her on that one, except to say I hope she has a plan. But I understand where people are coming from when they say the songs aren’t enough and actions speak louder than words. It’s tough to watch.

Still, we’re in a position we should realistically have been able to see coming. We should have known Jerk wasn’t going to be out of the picture immediately after the birth. This is one of those things nobody likes, but maybe we all just have to be patient on. I don’t see Karlie busting out of the closet to admit her marriage was a fake, or testifying to the FBI. I think she’ll just let her marriage quietly fall apart, as many real marriages did during the pandemic. And for that to work, she needs to make it look like didn’t throw away a family unit lightly. Hence the “I tried” post, the social media break, and the suggestions of spending time with Jerk’s family. All of this can be spun later into a narrative of Karlie having tried to make it work, only to never really be accepted. The hate online affected her mental health and she gradually realized how unhappy she’d become and decided she needed to break free and find her old self again for her baby’s sake. This is the most likely narrative for Karlie’s freedom and it’s one that could work - but it’s going to take time to unfold. Personally, I’m giving it a year. If we don’t see a separation by then, and definitive moves to a reunited Kaylor, I’ll be bowing out. I’ll still know what I believe the truth to be, but I won’t see the need to devote my energy to defending it. ,

Meanwhile, the masters rerecords are about to be released, and Taylor has invested a lot in their success. Because of this, I can’t envision her coming out until at least the big three (Fearless, 1989, and Red) have dropped. She might drop hints, but I don’t expect anything earth-shattering. Even the order of the album releases seems to confirm this. She’s breaking out the big guns first.

I’ve seen people speculate that because Rep can’t be rerecorded until 2022, Taylor will hold off on any coming out until then. And I’m not so sure of that. Yes, people listening to the album for clues would give Scott and Scooter money, but if we’re being honest, a fair amount of people are probably listening to those albums already, regardless of the drama. Those sleazeballs are profiting from Rep, full stop. But if Taylor profits more, from her bigger albums, she still wins. And she can still put out a Taylor’s version of Rep with vault tracks and collabs, to seduce people away from the Big Machine version in early 2022. Honestly, I think there’s a good chance Taylor would consider this is a worthwhile trade-off anyway, if it meant she got to live a more open life with Karlie - and most crucially, begin to repair Karlie’s reputation. As children get older and the world begins to leave the pandemic behind, it becomes harder to live behind closed doors. I guess we’ll find out how Taylor finds the reality of such a life, and what she considers worth sacrificing to step away from it.

All this to say: I can’t predict the future more than anyone else, but I don’t think the situation we’re in now is irreparable, and if we’re being really objective, I don’t think it’s even surprising. I do think Taylor should give us something, if she wants to keep us around. No-one can live on a complete absence of hope, and as I’ve stated, letting the fandom dwindle to this extent has its own dangers. But I think we also need to keep our time frames realistic, even if it means rejecting lifelines like the Spade riddles. We shouldn’t expect Karlie to be free of Jerk for around a year, and we shouldn’t expect Taylor to do anything much beyond general music promo until at least the big three have dropped. Sucks to say it, I know. But at least this way we won’t be disappointed, and if Kaylor do pull a wild card and move towards freedom, we can be pleasantly surprised.

Just my two cents.

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Well written and fair arguments on our reactions and expectations. I had typed up more, but I will let others post their comments before I chime in.

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copperbadge · 4 years

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swords-n-spindles re: oktoberfest pie

German who lived in Munich for 25 years here. Am wheezing in horror at this pie abomination. Also the opinion of locals about the Wiesn (yeah, nobody but tourists says Oktoberfest, sorry) is both "horribly overpriced spectacle for tourists, work makes us go each year, we hate it, make it stop" and "that's OUR party, of course we're going, it's tradition, here are seventeen paragrafs on where to get the best Brathendl".

Oh! So kind of like the Christmas Market in Chicago. “Don’t go, it’s horrible, but if you do there is only ONE CORRECT PLACE to get potato pancakes. Wait, I’d better go with you, I do need to do some holiday shopping.”

thegollux re: dumplings

serious question: what is the benefit to pre-cooking half of the chicken stuffing. this feels like food poisoning waiting to happen.

It’s actually a way of keeping the filling cohesive inside the wrapper while avoiding food poisoning! :D

So, the thing is, when raw ground meat is boiled or steamed inside a wrapper like this, it coheres into a little meatball inside the wrapper, so it doesn’t just fall apart all over your plate when you bite in. But in order to fully cook ground meat inside a wrapper, you generally have to cook the dumpling until the wrapper is way overcooked, making it gummy or tough.

There are other solutions, like binding the meat up with egg or a sauce, but they don’t give quite that same texture, and can get difficult to wrap, so the solution is to cook SOME of the meat, so some is already pre-cooked, and leave just enough raw to hold the rest together while it boils/steams. You don’t have to cook as long to be sure the meat is fully cooked through, but you also don’t get the “this turned into a pile of crumbled meat on my plate” issue.

spaci1701 re: dumplings

I'm very jealous. I've only got a hand cranked pasta roller and it's very challenging to roll sheets by yourself - just not enough hands. The best part of doing your own filled pasta is that you can make all the really weird filling combos you want. So far my fave has been Sheppard's pie pierogi.

That sounds amazing!

Yeah, Mum asked if I was sure I didn’t just want a countertop version, where the same amount of money could buy me a wider roller, and I said that it came down to hands -- if you’re cranking with one hand and feeding with the other, you need a third hand to catch the dough.

junker5 re: dumplings

Does your mixer have a name? He looks like he has an awesome personality, like DumE orSci’s Calcifer! 😊 The dumplings look amazing.

LOL! No, I never bothered naming him -- I usually only name things if I’m going to be referencing them in conversation with other people, and I never got into the habit of whimsically naming things because in high school I would do that and whatever I had named would break, so I stopped :D

geekgirl76 re: dumplings

Yum! Side question, how do you like your soda stream? I'm a carbonated water junkie and I'm seriously considering one, even though I have a rule about no appliances that use propriatrary inserts. (though, with the internet, I suppose that's not as big a deal as it used to be, someone, somewhere would either start selling them or create a hack.)

There are definitely adaptors you can buy to hook it up to a non-proprietary CO2 canister, but between the perils of dealing with pressurized canisters and the inconvenience, I’ve never bothered. Sodastream makes it super easy to return your canisters (the only issue right now is supply) so I don’t mind if I’m paying a slight convenience fee for that. Now, that said, you also have to buy proprietary water bottles, some of which aren’t dishwasher-safe, and you’re supposed to replace them every 2-3 years, and those aren’t cheap, so bear that in mind. (If you want the machine washable ones, you have to buy a specific type that only fit a certain number of the machines, so do your homework before buying.)

I do like my sodastream -- that’s their cheapo version and I’ve had it for 10 years, which tells you something about its durability. Especially if you don’t care about flavoring and just want carbonated water, it’s great. The flavor syrups are hit and miss; a lot of them for me have an acrid aftertaste, and again supply right now can be an issue. But the nice thing about having plain carbonated water is you can make your own flavorings. I often make super-concentrated tea and add a shot of that, or just sprinkle Pure Lemon in.

Anyway yeah -- it’s not the most ideal setup but I do feel like I save a LOT of money and packaging waste with them.

lionheartmadre re: dumplings

can i just say i love how you gave your mixer a retro fighter plane look? cause that's frikken awesome.

Thanks! I wanted to decorate it up a little and asked Mum for some decals for Christmas one year, and she really came through :D

katriel-tumbles re: dumplings

Kreplach FTW. I've never had or made them (a tragedy for this Jew) but I get the feeling they're simpler than they seem.

The dough is a little tricky, because it’s got eggs in it which makes it sticky, which in turn makes it a little more difficult to work with without making the end product rather tough. But yeah, if you can get round the dough issues it’s not that complex.

fanmouse re: dumplings

Finland: piirakkaa, India: paratha, both similar to pierogi. (I am facinated by how similar the words are in the different language families.) Good luck!

Pierogi was on the list, but good reminder about paratha and I’d never encountered piirakkaa! I’ll look it up :D

#swords-n-spindles #thegollux #food #fanmouse #katriel-tumbles #lionheartmadre #geekgirl76 #junker5 #spaci1701

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gifted-burnout-archive · 3 years

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How do you write smut and not make it sound cringy? As a virgin who has never partaken in sex, what. the. fuck.

Your writing is a godsend btw <3

This is such a good question, first off, thank you for asking me of all people!

Smut is tricky, and you will always feel that what you write is cringe. every single time i write smut i worry i’ve done it wrong. And lack of real life experience can be daunting. Please remember that everything gets better with practise: for me, i’ve dabbled in erotica and romantic scenes for a lot longer than a twenty year old writer should have experience for, that is to say i had wattpad when i was 13.

everything is below the cut because this got longgggg

1. description. talk about the room around your characters: is it cramped, spacious? what does the couch feel like? what are they wearing and how quickly can they take it off? if their relationship is friendly before the scene, there might be nerves: describe them. If they hate each other, describe the adrenaline, the self-hatred for sleeping with that particular person. Look at things like breathing pace, body temperature, talk about the way the characters’ skin feels. are their hands calloused? Small and dainty? Talk about the way they move from one point to another: most people kissing tend to stumble a whole bunch. if you’re focused on making out, you aren’t thinking about your feet.

onto more graphic stuff. sweat, the nipping on skin when someone gives you a hickey, the electricity that passes through you when someone’s hands touch more sensitive areas of the skin. whispering seductively into someone’s ear, building the tension with verbal foreplay or actual foreplay.

2. the timing. sex scenes have a cookie cutter layout: a and b make out, a and b have sex in x y or z way, and they both get to finish by the end (unless you’re writing comedy, where you might find a male partner finishing very quickly). The average length of time sex takes in real life is between 5-40 minutes, for both partners to come. If you are doing a short, hide in a closet and fuck sort of scene, it will be short. Your descriptions are important still, but they should match the length of the scene. If it’s 40 minutes and multiple orgasms for a lady, it will be more drawn out, so so too with description. i am always aware of my timing when i write: i don’t feel comfortable writing longer sex scenes like other writers, so i stick to a timing in my head of between 10-25 minutes. you can cater to your own needs: readers don’t see the process of why you chose a short sex scene over a longer one.

3. words to use. the language of smut is weird to navigate. some terms are so outdated reading them hurts. again, take the scene you have and work with it. more common slang like cock, dick, cunt, pussy, all work in the right context. direct language like this works best in scenes that have pace, whether it be a manic stripping off of clothes in anger, or a quickie in the shower. there’s aggression in some of the words that matches the enemies to lovers tone: cunt especially gives off a much more male-domineering vibe to a situation, unless you reverse expectations.

on the other hand, words like shaft and member, pearl or bud (for describing the clit), they have a much softer read to them. slower scenes work well with softer language, and i’ve often found it easier to focus on emotion and feeling in these scenes. for penetrative sex, you don’t really talk about the vagina so much as what sensations occur upon penetration. softer language works for that softer feel.

if you want sweet sex, talk about feelings (emotional, physical); if you want rougher sex, talk about other senses (what kisses taste like, the smell of sweat in the air, hearing grunts and moans, seeing your partner’s body), focus on more primal ideas.

4. rolling waves of pleasure. I absolutely despise describing cumming, and finishing off the sex scene in general, because in real life there’s an awkwardness to it. unless you’ve been with the same partner for years, there’s going to be some cringe there. but as an author, you can eliminate it: change the silence to revelation. but cumming in general is hard to write. the language for it always feels weird, especially for girls cumming, because no one has really figured out what that sensation is. we only compare it to other ideas. rolling waves of pleasure is the most common phrasing of a woman cumming: it is overused, but it is effective.

There’s plenty of other phrases you can use: talking about building pressure or heat in the abdomen, the neediness that sets in when you are right on the edge, and finally relief of it when you do cum. this goes for girls and guys. you’ll find movement needs to seize when one partner cums, at least for a moment. women can have multiple orgasms during sex, with proper stimulation, but men realistically cum once ‘per round’. in short, men (and when i say men i am using it as a more common umbrella term for people with penises, obviously this isn’t always the case) have a longer recharge time. sex usually finishes, or takes a break, after the man has cum. their body will lose a level of control (usually best put as ‘movements becoming sloppy’), and they will thrust harder a few times before ejaculating, in the case of vaginal or anal sex when he finishes still inside a woman (again, woman is an umbrella term). finishing outside most likely involves using their hand to finish themselves.

which brings me to

5. oral is good. oral sex (hand to genital, mouth to genital) is so useful in sex scenes. in longer scenes, it will play a big part in setting the tone of the upcoming sex, in shorter scenes it can be the main event. there’s levels of experience that come from eating a girl out or giving blowjobs: there’s a level of skill in fingering someone to completion, or giving a handjob. clitoral stimulation is so important too: there’s a good percentage of women who won’t get off on penetration alone, so use that bundle of nerves generously.

and again, descriptors here matter on situation. it’s good to include lube or spit in the mix with oral, nobody wants a dry handy. in the case of penises, pleasure in variations on a repetitive process (added flares of blowjobs include spontaneous moves of the tongue, including the hand to some degree, teasing the tip of the shaft). for vaginas, there’s a lot more to work with (fingering and eating out at the same time, tongue, the clit cannot be overstated here). i always have some hesitation writing oral, and i think a lot of writers can feel that. why drag out the possible cringe even longer? but oral is foreplay, foreplay is important. if you’re going to bypass it, make a point of it: have a character insist on the ‘‘main event’ because of need, of time, of excitement.

6. you are going to feel cringe anyway + final tips. smut is always going to be a little weird to write. accept it now. but the thing is, even cringe smut is enjoyable. what i’ve offered is only my advice on this, from my point of view as to what makes decent smut. you could try some of this and realise it doesn’t work for you or your writing style, that’s ok. the best way to learning to write smut is a) practising and b) reading smut! pick up on phrases other authors use that you like, rewrite scenes in different locations, with different actions.

when i say use protection, do it. whether it’s contraception in the form of the pill or jag or patch or whatever, or a condom, promoting healthy sexual habits is never a bad thing. unless you got characters trying to actively get pregnant, or they live in some reality where contraception isn’t a thing/because female repression was everywhere until like 50 years ago and even then we sort of suck at letting women be free to have sex yada yada, protection is going to be used. and the pull out method is not protection, let’s not pretend it is. get that male love interest putting on a condom, get your lady lead (again, generalisation to the max) on some birth control, and let them have at it (note: condoms on after oral). if it’s a same sex sex scene, please remember that condoms are still definitely a good idea for two men if there’s penetration (obviously two women is a completely different story).

finally, don’t be mean to yourself. my most read story right now contains smut i’m not particularly in love with, but it was an attempt and people appreciate you even trying. writing good smut is not easy: and while us writers tend to hold ourselves to impossible standards, you really need to let them go with smut writing. it’s a try and fail process, it’s much more about learning what works for your writing than the act you’re putting on the page. you’ll fuck up more than once; you will succeed much more than you think you will. genuinely, just give it your best shot.

i believe in you nonnie, and i hope this helps in some way shape or form.

#let’s talk about smut baby #abby extensively explaining topics because she can never give a short answer

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welcome-to-the-gay-bar · 3 years

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So I we started to watch Attack on Titan again after many years and I’ve just finished season two and before starting season three I wanted to take a trip down memory lane and look at all my old favourite AOT fan fictions from 2014 (and see what’s popular nowadays that I may have missed, since wow, a lot has changed since I was last present in this fandom and compared to what’s happening in the current episodes season one was tame).

I’ve noticed a huge divide between fanon and canon and I kinda wanted to ruminate on this a bit.

Eren’s character in the show isn’t my favourite. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fond of this brash idiot, but he’ll never be my favourite. He falls into this shonen protagonist trope of being hot headed and ill tempered. He doesn’t take advice, he’s not going to listen to plans or authority, he always thinks he’s right and only follows his moral compass, and to tie it all up he’s not even that strong. He can’t back up the threats that he’s laying down and yet he always rushes into situations with fists flying and never thanks or appreciates the characters (Mikasa) that get him out of those tricky situations. The only way to get through to him is to physically beat him down and even then it may not work if he hadn’t already somewhat respected you (Mikasa again). This character type is seen so often in shonen and I’m really not a fan, I like the cool and calculating protagonist better. Someone who has the power behind their threats and doesn’t rush into situations. Again, I like Eren, but I think it’s the other characters in the show that balance him out and the plot itself that makes me like Attack on Titan.

Compare this to fanon where his default character is happy ray of sunshine who’s a little bit naive. It’s a rather jarring comparison but I also don’t necessarily dislike it either. To me canon and fanon characteristics are almost completely seperate. If I had to always think a d compare fan fiction to canon I probably couldn’t read it. I read about happy fanon Eren and see canon angry Eren and to me they are two completely different characters - two completely different people even. If I had to read fan fiction about canon Eren I can 1000000% say that I just wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I’d be totally bored. As I said before, I like Eren but it’s the people around him and the plot itself that makes him bearable. I can watch a show about him because it takes less time and emotional energy, but I couldn’t invest in reading a book about him (which is why I haven’t read the manga either).

This isn’t even exclusively towards Attack on Titan. Back in my Teen Wolf phase I noticed how different canon and fanon characters were. Small secret - I was knee deep in the Teen Wolf fandom before I realised that I hadn’t actually watched an episode of Teen Wolf. One of my mutual’s reblogged TW artwork that was linked to a story and from that I never looked back. When I actually did get around to watching TW I can honestly say I was more than a wee bit disillusioned. Derek and Stiles are obviously not the main characters and I was prepared for that, but then they barely interacted, and when they did interact it was nothing like what I had read about - nothing like what their fanon characters or interactions were like. I can honestly say that I never made it past the first season - the show just wasn’t for me - but I was still thoroughly invested in the fandom for another year or two.

Something about fanon Sterek dynamics just did it for me, their characters and relationship was just so on point for what I wanted, and this is kind of when I came to accept that canon and fanon can be so different that it almost feels as if it’s two pieces of completely different media. I mean, fanon has its own set of rules, it’s own character tropes and story arcs that even completely different authors with completely different stories somewhat instinctively know to follow. I think that’s amazing, but it’s also a double edged sword. See these first two examples were of shows that I A) never watched/finished before reading fan fiction, B) don’t necessarily love love the characters in canon. That means that fanon is more appealing because it takes something I don’t care too strongly for and changes it to something more appealing. But what about when fanon takes something I love and cherish and remoulds it?

I want to briefly take this time to talk about something I’ve dubbed “the twink affect”. When you take a character that’s originally strong willed, self sufficient, and somewhat masculine and you pair the, up with someone EVEN MORE strong willed, self sufficient, and masculine - the “Alpha male” of characters if you will. I find that fanon is incapable of seeing two strong men together in a relationship and will eventually slowly twinkify one of them. Make them smaller, softer, lonelier, less self sufficient and more reliant on others, they need to be taken care of, they’re now a ball of sunshine that’s radiant and joyful, they’re cotton candy that melts on your tongue. You put them next to the pairing you ship them with and instead of seeing two strong men you see a bear and a twink. That’s definitely what’s happened to the two characters/pairings mentioned before and I honestly didn’t mind because I wasn’t protective of the source material, but when it does happen to a character I love it’s the most frustrating thing in the world, and I can’t even complain because I’ve already reaped the benefits from other fandoms. (I am going to complain though, this is my blog and I can do what I want mum.)

I’m going to talk about Mo Dao Zu Shi. Beautiful story that I love in (almost) all its various adaptations, but I’ve noticed the ever slow changing of fanon’s Wei Wuxian. For anyone reading this that hasn’t read MDZS (or if anyone’s reading this at all, I am expecting to just be shouting into the void at this point) Wei Wuxian dies - not a spoiler, it happens at the very beginning of the story - and comes back to life in the body of Mo Xuanyu. Mo Xuanyu is small malnourished and twinky - he even canonically wears makeup (or at least has it in his possession, I’m getting the various adaptations confused and I can’t remember if in canon Wei Wuxian woke up in Mo Xuanyu’s body already wearing the makeup or if he just finds the tin of makeup in Mo Xuanyu’s possessions). Wei Wuxian’s character is also a bit of a tease, and now he’s alive and unburdened by the past he’s much freer now than he was in the past, couple that with the fact that he’s pretending to be Mo Xuanyu (a character who is rumoured to be gay and also a bit insane) he goes all out in pretending to be a shameless flirt, and it’s honestly hilarious, I love his character. So in a sense he has all the makings of a canon twink and I’m really not here to shame on those who portray him that way while he’s in Mo Xuanyu’s body.

My personal issue is with the same extreme twink portrayal while he’s in his original body. In his original body Wei Wuxian is BUFF. He’s hunky, he’s in the top five most eligible bachelors, he’s *car honks* woof woof bark bark *whistles* puurrrr, he’s one of the most powerful cultivators of his generation, he’s a genius too. He’s hunky. He still has the cheeky shameless character, but when you compare him to the male lead Lan Wangji, they’re about the same size and strength. My favourite type of fan fiction in MDZS is fix it/everybody lives nobody dies/no war/etc etc. Basically stories where Wei Wuxian keeps his original body. The fanon twink portrayal of him being so small and soft and weak while in canon he’s one of the strongest and smartest urks me in ways I can’t explain. It’s not what I want, not what I’m looking for. I love him for who he is in canon and to see his character so distorted by fans of the original work is frustrating. I just want to read about Wei Wuxian as a jock with his equally buff and tall nerd boyfriend.

I want to pause here and say that I have nothing against authors that write him in a twinky way, I respect your work and your characters (and as I said before I’ve reaped the benefits of other fandoms twinky character portrayals numerous times), if I read a fic that I’m not happy with the characterisation I just close the tab and move on so absolutely no hate to anyone who enjoys this character type. I’m just ruminating on the fact that I’ve been seeing it happen more and more often lately to the point where I’ve kind of bounced the fandom and am sticking to other works like Scum Villain that haven’t yet twinkified too much (there will always be one or two stories in every fandom that twinkify and honestly? I respect that. Authors said twink rights ONLY, good for them).

Mo Dao Zu Shi isn’t the only fandom I’ve been in that I’ve negatively reacted to fanon. Another one would be Batman (I love Tim with all my heart and I love him getting treated nicely but damn I sometimes wish people would remember how freaking strong and amazing he is too), 2Ha is another I’ve started to see “twinkified” (although I don’t mind seeing Chu Wanning being soft and taken care of, he is canonically called handsome and masculine and he’s quite tall too), I’ve even seen the canonically “top” character (and that seems so weird to write oml) be twinkified by fandom because they want to see him get bottomed for ~equal rights~ because apparently bottoming is seen as a “woman’s position” to them and they’re trying to be woke by switching the sexual positions up but failing to see how misogynistic and homophobic that take is (imma stop myself here because that a WHOLE ‘nother can or worms to be opened right there).

What I’m trying to say is fanon is a double edged sword and I’ve definitely enjoyed some and hated some. I think it’s important to seperate the two. I do think it’s annoying for fandoms to be flooded with mischaracterisation when you actually do like the original characters and I wish there was some way to seperate fandom into “actual canon fans” and “fans of fanon”, but I don’t have a solution and I’ve definitely contributed to the problem in the past so for that I’m sorry.

I don’t know how to end this long ass rant, I don’t know what the goal was in writing this, but taadaa ~ here’s my exceptionally long take on fanon.

#rant #I don’t know if I should tag the fandoms mentioned in case I wake a sleeping bear #but I’m going to do it anyway in case someone has the tags muted #mdzs #aot fanfiction #AOT #mo dao zu shi #fanon #ao3 #attack on titan #ereri #wei wuxian

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rivalsforlife · 4 years

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I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE DOING COMMENTARY hope it's not too late to ask for The Scene at the end of chapter 5 of the catch up game?? if no one else has asked?

It is never too late to ask!! Genuinely you could probably ask me six months from now and I’ll ramble on about all this, I’m generally down to talk about my writing all the time. (And I’m actually a little surprised nobody asked about The Scene yet... oh well haha)

First though: have you seen this art yet? If you haven’t you should. It was going around twitter again lately and I love it a lot so I wanted to advertise it while I had the chance.

Anyways, keeping under a “keep reading” here:

So. The Scene. First I’ll present my notes from the outline when I was trying to figure out this fic:

Miles lets his feelings slip, Phoenix doesn’t take it too well, they part on a kind of awkward note.

Somehow “kind of an awkward note” ended up being uhhh that!

Anyways before we get into this I want to say that I really did not think it would have that much of an emotional impact? I got a much bigger reaction than I thought and that’s around when people really started talking about it on the narumitsu discord and stuff, so I ended up for the rest of the week soooo stressed out that I’d accidentally gone in a completely different direction than I’d planned and set people’s expectations too high and they would be COMPLETELY DISAPPOINTED IN THE REST OF THE FIC but uh luckily that didn’t happen! I think. At least if anyone was super disappointed they didn’t tell me about it!

And it was probably partially that I am not very uhh good with emotions and also probably that I got pretty desensitized to my work but I genuinely did not think it was that bad until I saw Ro’s art and then went “ohhh suddenly I am consumed with so much guilt...” (and also doubted how in character this scene was. how can ANYONE say no to that face --)

Most critically though, this scene distracted everyone from whatever the hell was going on with the casefic earlier in the chapter, so overall I think it’s a success.

Sorry it’s taking a while to get to the actual scene, but I wrote a few drafts of this thing beforehand and modified it a lot trying to get it right. I needed it to be sufficiently dramatic but I didn’t want it to seem like... I was just adding it in there for extra conflict? Like you know sometimes you read stuff and you’re like “where the hell did this sudden argument come from” yeah. I wanted to avoid that if I could, so partially this was supported by the weight of chapter 4 to explain Phoenix’s reasons for the rejection and then chapter 6 is supposed to elaborate more, but I still needed this to stand fairly well on its own.

The overall theme of this chapter was “Opposites”, and again, here’s what I had in my fic notes:

I want to contrast how Phoenix sees Miles and how Miles sees Phoenix. Because they both kind of see each other as an amazing person while seeing themselves as failures. Maybe at the end Phoenix is kind of putting himself down and Miles argues about it and then they have a slight argument. Miles lets his feelings slip, Phoenix doesn’t take it too well, they part on a kind of awkward note.

I couldn’t really find a way to integrate this conversation in naturally, so I could only get Phoenix’s perspective in there a little bit. Originally Miles’ confession wasn’t supposed to be planned, just a spur of the moment in the middle of an argument where Phoenix kind of goes “I don’t understand why you keep hanging out with me, why are you spending so much time with me, I’m not struggling, I don’t need you worrying about me” and Miles interrupts with a “Because I love you, you idiot!” ... But I couldn’t get that to work because the buildup into the argument felt too abrupt.

Last little bit of something just before the argument (some of the dialogue here went into the chapter 4 dinner conversation instead):

Miles: (quietly) I’ve spent most of my life trying to climb higher in my career, in order to fight corruption as best I could. And I have, and every day my mission is growing closer to completion, or at least as much as it can. But after that… (staring at some kids’ toy) what’s left for me? I’ve taken a rather unconventional path through life. I’m starting to wonder about opportunities I’ve missed.

Phoenix: (jokingly) Is that some long-winded way of telling me you’re planning on settling down?

Miles: I’d never settle. But in some sense, I suppose so.

Phoenix: (stopping in his tracks) You’re kidding. L-Like, what, in a year or so I’m gonna walk in to your office one day and find you with a wife and kids?

Miles: (rolling his eyes) You do know that I’m gay, don’t you? And why would I keep them in my office? There’s no need to be so melodramatic, Wright.

Again couldn’t fit it in I just found it funny. ANYWAYS FINALLY MOVING AWAY FROM THE DRAFTS AND TO THE ACTUAL THING, I’ll skip ahead a bit to just before the confession:

“How long has it been since I came here?”

“I dunno… since before I got my badge back, probably.”

“That sounds about right.” Edgeworth sighed and leaned against Phoenix’s desk. “I’ve barely gotten the chance to see you, since you got your badge back and I took my new position. I’ve missed going up against you in court.”

“I don’t,” Phoenix teased, slipping his case notes into his desk drawer. “You’re a nightmare.”

“You’re one to talk.” The corners of Edgeworth’s eyes crinkled as he looked over at him. “You can be so infuriating, but I do like working with you. I had fun today.”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “Fun? You?”

“I suppose age has softened me up.”

“I didn’t think anything could soften you up.”

“You’d be surprised. I often have fun when I’m with you. I always…” He trailed off, averting his eyes and gripping his elbow. “I’ve been… thinking, a bit. On our earlier conversation.”

So basically... Miles got preeetty close to confessing during their dinner in chapter 4, but kinda backed out at the last moment, and he’s been agonizing over this ever since. Because the way he interpreted their conversation was sort of “We both want to move forward into a relationship but don’t know how to take the steps to do so”, whereas Phoenix interpreted more as a consensus that “We could probably start a relationship and there are feelings there but it wouldn’t really work out so we just won’t ever talk about it”.

And Miles throughout this fic assumed that Phoenix has been in love with him for a while and only holding back for Miles’ own sake, and waiting for Miles to signal that he’s actually ready to move into a romantic relationship. ... Which is very much not the case. What makes today different though is that Miles got to watch Phoenix solve mysteries, and I’m of the opinion that Miles considers Phoenix at his most attractive when he is uncovering the truth!! so Miles pretty much just saw him solve this case and go “I must kiss this man on the lips Right Now” but thought he should clear some things up before he did that.

which is good because if he just walked up to Phoenix and kissed him without preamble I’m pretty sure Phoenix would have died, so.

Something imperceptibly changed in the atmosphere. It made Phoenix’s heart race faster in anticipation. “Oh? Which one?”

“The one we had during the last dinner we shared.”

“O-Oh.” That had been weeks ago. Surely Phoenix had forgotten something.

“Everything has changed so much, over the course of my career, between us.” Edgeworth’s eyes flickered up to him briefly before settling back down on the desk. “I’ve never been afraid of moving forward, but this, I want…” He exhaled, shakily. “Give me a minute. This is… difficult.”

Phoenix kind of... knows, subconsciously, where this is going, but he’s trying to deny it until the last minute because he’s very unprepared and has no idea how to deal with this... which will become very clear by the end of the scene.

Miles is tricky to write in a confession scene because he can be kind of weird with emotions? Sometimes he’ll give these Grand Speeches about how much That Man means to him but at the same time he struggled a lot with talking about his feelings during the trilogy and I think he’d still struggle with it now. Especially something as raw and vulnerable as a love confession.

And Miles is also someone who is, at least by the Investigations duology, determined to pursue what is Right and what is the Truth without any sort of hesitation. However pursuing Wright is different. (insert horrible forced laugh track)

“W-Well, don’t strain yourself,” Phoenix insisted. “We can talk another day. I-It’s getting late, after all, we should —”

“We should stop dancing around the issue.” Edgeworth’s eyes snapped up and locked with Phoenix’s, pinning him in place. “Don’t go easy on me now, of all times.”

oh man I have to admit I got really into Persona 5 Royal for like a few weeks around the time I was writing this and that “don’t go easy on me now of all times” is looosely inspired by a similar line in there that’s like “do you think I’d be happy with being shown mercy now, of all times?” because although it’s a different dynamic than narumitsu I was uh. intrigued.

... sorry it’s so vague I wanted to avoid spoilers anyways, moving on,

Phoenix’s mouth ran dry. Edgeworth couldn’t possibly be planning to —

“Everything has changed between us,” continued Edgeworth. “I want things to — to continue to change, I-I want to be closer, is—” He sucked a breath in through his teeth “— is it not obvious?”

Hadn’t they agreed, in that way they could agree without saying a word, that they were never going to talk about this?

Phoenix broke his gaze. “No. It’s not. I— I don’t want to argue with you. It’s late.”

Pretty much same as previous notes: Phoenix in extreme denial that this is actually happening whereas Miles is just trying to force it all out.

Phoenix is kind of trying to talk Miles down from confessing; Miles is sort of interpreting it as “Wright isn’t going to let me get away with not actually saying this so I need to be more direct.”

I’m sure that later when Miles is curled up on his bed wondering where he went wrong he’ll think of that :)

“Phoenix.”

The use of his first name forced Phoenix to look up again.

Edgeworth stared at him for a long time. There was something impossible swimming just under the surface of his grey eyes.

“Phoenix Wright,” he said. “I am in love with you.”

HE DID IT!! He’s so brave I’m sure that nothing can go wrong!!

Gossip was one thing. Lingering touches and stolen glances, Phoenix could deal with those. The knowledge that Edgeworth was interested in him in a not-so-platonic way… that was more than enough.

This, hearing Edgeworth say the words out loud, was another thing entirely. Even if Phoenix already knew. Nothing could have prepared him for — for whatever this was, for Edgeworth, looking at him all open and vulnerable, and — and saying —

“Wh… What…?”

Edgeworth tilted his head slightly to the side, causing his bangs to fall into his face. “Surely you’ve figured it out already?”

“I-I don’t understand…”

At first there was a line right after “Even if Phoenix already knew” that was “Even if he felt the same”, but then I decided to make it so Phoenix can’t even admit his feelings to himself, so I cut that one out.

Anyways this is shocking to Phoenix partially because of Denial but also because he didn’t expect Miles to actually come out and say something like this. He’s used to Miles being closed off with his emotions and doesn’t think him the type to ever directly acknowledge them, so it’s got him totally off guard, too. It’s unpredictable for someone who is supposed to know Miles so well so it’s very unnerving for him.

“I… I think you are incredible,” said Edgeworth. “Your single-minded dedication to truth and justice. Your compassion. Your mercy. The way you… brought light, brought life, back into my world. You can be so frustrating, and stubborn, but that’s part of why I have always admired you so much.” The corners of his eyes softened. “You saved me a thousand times over, and I want to spend the rest of my life by your side… however you want me.”

Miles generally people go on at least one date before proposing marriage but okay.

One thing I find interesting about Miles as a character is that he’s very much an all-or-nothing kind of person... he doesn’t ever really half-ass things and he doesn’t know how to do things gradually haha. He won’t allow the truth to be covered in darkness for even a moment even if it makes things easier for him in the long run. Saying “I think you’re great, maybe we should go on a few dates and see how things end up?” is probably the SENSIBLE thing to say, but Miles puts 100% of himself into everything that he does post-character development; and he’s secure enough in his relationship with Phoenix that he doesn’t really feel the need to test the waters. Plus Miles is allergic to uncertainty, so by the time he confesses he’d need to be absolutely certain that he loved Phoenix Wright and was prepared to pretty much go all in with him.

after all Phoenix feels the same way right!!

Phoenix stared. His heartbeat was reverberating in his ears. “I don’t know what to say. … Me.”

“Who else?”

“Who — a-anyone else. God, Edgeworth, what even is that shit, about me being i-intelligent, and dedicated, and compassionate, and — and — incredible, geez, I’m a wreck! I—” His voice wavered into a fit of near hysteria. “The only reason I’ve gotten this far is ‘cause I’ve always had amazing people by my side, and — and once they’re gone I’m back to whatever I usually am, I-I only have this one suit, I still haven’t got my freaking driver’s license, I don’t think I’ve eaten anything but instant meals in a month—”

(And he looked to Edgeworth, desperately, but Edgeworth was still gazing at him, expression gentle, gentle yet unyielding, not taking back his words or expressing an ounce of regret — why wasn’t he changing his mind —)

“You’re describing yourself more than me,” said Phoenix weakly. “Really, I’m not — I’m not like that, okay, I’m not…” He forced himself to take a deep breath. “Why are you telling me this?”

This is the one part that stayed consistent throughout all drafts of this scene haha. Some of it is echoes from what Godot told him back in Bridge to the Turnabout about him always needing someone to swoop in at the last minute to the rescue; others are sort of a loose refence to his behaviour during the beginning of RFTA and Reunion and Turnabout where he couldn’t really function without Maya there to look after.

This part sort of ties more into that objective I had with this chapter of contrasting how they see themselves; they both see each other as incredible people, because they don’t really get to see inside each other and see how much of a wreck they feel.

Also the very first sort of script of this confession had Phoenix saying “I thought you knew me better than this!” but that just seemed way too cruel for this haha.

“I know that I… that I have difficulty with these things,” said Edgeworth, fingers gripping the edge of the desk. “I’ve never been the most open of people and we’ve — we’ve always been so distant, for so long. I wasn’t there for you when I should have been, and I want that to change. Because, ever since we met… you’ve been such a major part of my life. I never thought I would live to be older than my father. I never thought I would be happy with myself. But you, you came into my life, and you changed all that.”

(That wasn’t you,) a voice in Phoenix’s heart whispered. (You only started it. The rest was all him.)

“But I don’t want to be satisfied with what I have right now. I still want more. There’s still a part of life I want to explore, and… I want to do it with you.”

(He’s always been fine without you. One day he’s going to realize it too, and then…)

“I’m tired of hiding my emotions and being too afraid to upset the status quo when it comes to relationships. I refuse to be scared of that anymore.”

(Why isn’t he scared, too?)

ugh this was the hardest part to write I think...? Trying to figure out a way to get Phoenix’s internal feelings across where it doesn’t come out of nowhere. I settled with a lot of internal thoughts that are just like... self-loathing, pretty much.

Meanwhile Miles has prepared this whole emotional monologue that Phoenix is only half listening to, basically about what a huge impact Phoenix has had in his life and how he’s sort of... now that he’s presumably made large steps to fixing the justice system he’s turning to more personal goals in life, and one of those goals is spending his life with Phoenix, if he can be brave enough to do it.

Phoenix isn’t paying attention though because he’s too busy panicking...

“Most of all, I… I couldn’t hide anything from you for long. I’d trust you with the world. You’re my equal, and my opposite.” Something resembling a shaky smile crossed Edgeworth’s face. “And I love you.”

me shoving the “theme of the day” in there awkwardly

But he smiles!! This is one of the rare occasions where Miles kind of does smile... there’s a lot of “almost-smile”s or brief smiles and Miles is scared out of his wits here but he’s happy. he finally got that off his chest. he was brave and he told Phoenix how he felt and they’ll be so, so happy together, nothing can possibly go wrong,

The words knocked out any breath Phoenix had managed to regain. His skin suddenly felt cold and clammy, and he was faced with vertigo more intense than standing on rooftops. What was happening to him?

There was something he was supposed to say to this. He should react to this normally. His mouth was drier than a desert. His tongue felt unsightly and awkward in his mouth.

“I shouldn’t have to tell you that if I have somehow misinterpreted, I won’t mention this again.” Unease and uncertainty flickered behind Edgeworth’s eyes. “And I would never be upset, as long as you tell me the truth. I want to take the next steps of my life with you. … Do you feel the same way?”

oh yeah this part was a little tricky too. Pretty much Phoenix is on the verge of a full-blown panic attack and cannot think of a response, even a nice polite rejection... and finally Miles starts realizing that something’s off, because before he was just running on adrenaline to try and get his feelings out that he didn’t stop to examine Phoenix’s reactions, otherwise he would’ve started overthinking and psyched himself out. But now that he got it out and seeing Phoenix pretty much in shock he’s starting to worry he’d made a mistake.

Also “unease and uncertainty” is definitely an “unnecessary feelings” reference because I’m shameless.

Yes, Phoenix wanted to say, yes, I do, and say what he felt, what he wanted. But the words wouldn’t come.

Why couldn’t he say it? It should be easy. If he truly wanted this, it should be as easy as breathing.

His vision swam with pink butterflies, he ran his tongue over the scars in his mouth, his breath caught jagged on the edges of chains —

Aaaand if either one of them had the magatama right now there would be the psyche-locks! I was gonna elaborate on this a lot but this is so far waaay longer than I intended so I’ll spare you and give a brief summary.

Essentially there are three locks. I wrote them as sort of representing each issue that Phoenix needs to acknowledge for them to break -- not necessarily fix, because that would be a super tricky thing, but acknowledging they’re there is a start. They’re pretty much “Trust”, “Abandonment”, and “Vulnerability”. Later I realized those issues are pretty much tied up in each other so instead I just made it so that each one is set by a traumatic event, and then acknowledging those events is what breaks them.

The first is an obvious “Dahlia and Iris really screwed up Phoenix’s ability to trust a partner romantically”. I love Iris but she really did mess him up as well. Phoenix kind of convinced himself he’s over this issue now since Iris was a good person! but really he’s still messed up about it. (And that’s where the butterflies + scars in his mouth sort of come from). Talking to Iris and acknowledging that he’s still hurting over it is what breaks this one.

The second is more directly related to all the times Miles himself has abandoned him particularly throughout the series. Some of the hurt when Miles prosecuted him in Turnabout Sisters, and definitely a lot regarding “Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth Chooses Death”, it’s pretty much him being scared to get /too/ attached to Miles because he fears Miles might abandon him again. This one breaks in chapter 7 when he has the whole realization that Miles might die and leave him regardless, and acknowledges how afraid he is of Miles leaving again.

And the last is more of acknowledging his need to be needed by people and help people but they move on without him and not don’t really him in their lives. This built up more gradually... with littler things like Apollo leaving the Agency and Maya not being around as much and Trucy moving out. Neither of these are Big Bad Traumatic Events like the other two but it’s still an issue Phoenix has that he needs to acknowledge. Trucy’s letter breaks this one by telling him he’s never going to be alone and they all love him and are there for him. And that’s why right after reading the letter he can tell Miles that he loves him.

So that’s that. Moving back to the actual story now...

“Phoenix?”

Edgeworth still stood so close, too close, and when Phoenix breathed his senses were assaulted by the scent of his cologne and — and he was too close, and his words were too much, Edgeworth couldn’t be in love with him. Attracted, sure, but love — how could he so easily say love?

This wasn’t like Edgeworth. This wasn’t how things were before, this wasn’t how things had always been, every time things changed too fast something would go wrong, every time things changed too fast Edgeworth would leave again —

(— and right now Edgeworth’s body was coiled tight with tension, like a spring, ready to take off at any sudden movement —)

— and Phoenix couldn’t say a word.

Fairly self-explanatory I think: basically acknowledging that fear that Miles is going to leave again.

Phoenix was standing on the edge of a turnabout. Somewhere he’d have to take the plunge for victory, for the truth. He’d never shied from them before. He’d always accepted the risks. And they’d (almost always) paid off.

But something had Phoenix in a vice. Dark chains that wrapped around his chest and constricted his lungs. Something that would drown him if he took the plunge. Something that whispered that he could not risk this, his heart and his life in one. There was too much to lose. It was all too much.

That little (almost always) there is referencing that one time he presented the critical case-changing evidence and got disbarred for it; his disbarment messed him up pretty bad too, I guess it’d fit in the category of the third psyche-lock.

And of course the second paragraph references the psyche-locks more directly before they actually show up.

The words came. They weren’t the ones he wanted.

“No,” said Phoenix. “No, I don’t.”

The rattling in Phoenix’s head cut out. Silence fell over the room.

Pretty much once Phoenix stops pressing the issue the psyche-locks stop shaking. I imagine they’re a pretty terrible thing to break directly; he can’t do it on his own like this.

“... I see,” said Edgeworth, and something snapped shut, drew tight, rigid, back to a statue. “I thought… nevermind.”

Miles kind of draws back into himself all tightly-controlled, less open than before, because that really hurt him a lot. He’d probably prefer it than Phoenix being all evasive and sort of reassuring because he prefers people just cut straight to the facts, but that was direct even for him.

And of course he thought that Phoenix did feel that way about him. He was certain of it. So hearing Phoenix didn’t and he was completely wrong is... not good.

He’d gone so still. At the sight of it, whatever spell was holding Phoenix in its grasp broke, and he came back to reality — this wasn’t right, this wasn’t good, he had to fix this, somehow, bring things back to the way they were, “Edgeworth—”

And the sight of Miles completely freezing up and closing himself off is enough to break Phoenix free of the initial panic, because he does care a lot about Miles, and seeing him withdraw worries him.

“It’s getting late,” said Edgeworth, and only someone as experienced as Phoenix could detect the waver in his voice. “Thank you for being honest with me, Wright. I’ll talk to you later.”

The remark stung worse than a knife would, he couldn’t let it end like this. “I—”

The office door shut, none too gently. Phoenix was alone.

“... I’m sorry.”

That “thank you for being honest with me” wasn’t SUPPOSED to be a jab, of course, because Miles would prefer that Phoenix was honest than lie to him. But Phoenix did lie and that’s what bothers Phoenix the most throughout the next couple of chapters; they both value the truth so highly that lying to each other is inconceivable.

And Miles probably should have stuck around for a bit and heard Phoenix out and maybe Phoenix could have managed a half-decent explanation of “okay I don’t know what that was but this was very sudden and I’m panicking, can you give me time to process?” but if Miles stayed for much longer he probably would have started breaking down and that’s the last thing he wants to do right now, especially in front of Phoenix, so he left as soon as possible.

I think he managed to repress enough that he could get home safely, but the moment he crossed the threshold into privacy he probably had himself a good cry... curled up on the couch and watched some Steel Samurai with a tub of ice cream... but he was pretty emotionally devastated by this. It took a lot of effort for him to open up and be honest about his feelings so just being shut down like that... hurt a lot. He’d never admit it though.

anyways I also have this short bit of writing I posted a while back about Miles actually getting a hug after all this, because he really needs one.

And that’s the scene!! I think I said more than enough so I’ll end it here haha.

#dvd commentary meme #the catch-up game #this one got SUPER long I'm SO sorry #asks

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highrats · 3 years

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Save this one for when you feel like answering it would be fun - what are some similarities between you guys that you enjoy? What about similarities that you dislike or find annoying? What are some differences between you that you like? What about some differences that are inconvenient?

i like this question, thanks!

the enjoyable similarities are that we all have the same mindset when it comes to like, being pro lgbtq+, pro black lives matter, pro choice etc. i can’t imagine how tricky it would be to try navigate around and with parts that hold bigoted views.

a similarity that often leaves me frustrated and upset is how we all like instinctively keep to ourselves, withdraw and genuinely don’t really know how to open to someone. i hate how frustrating that is even just for myself, but knowing other parts are likely just as set into this pattern means it’s going to be much more work to overcome, yknow? like i’ve been trying to work on it myself for quite a while and it’s hard. having to have all of us do it is a bit daunting. but it’s also an important thing for us to do.

the most noticeable differences between us are our emotions and perspectives on situations. i can get someone else’s input on a situation (or my reaction to a situation) that otherwise wouldn’t be possible. they quite literally know how i feel - i’m bad at containing emotions and they leak often. so with that knowledge they can be pretty upfront and honest with me. it can be helpful if i need a new perspective on something, from someone who knows exactly what i’m feeling and going through.

some parts speak noticeably different when fronting. i don’t know if anyone irl has ever picked up on it and thought it’s weird, but boy am i always paranoid about it 😅 and like, it’s not like super subtle differences either i’m talking completely different tone, rhythm and with variations in accents. i always feel like i might as well have a light-up sign towering over and pointing at me saying “identity alteration!!!!!!!!!!! alters!!!!! did!!!!!!!” when we’re speaking different but nobody’s said anything about it yet 😅

#answers #actually did #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder

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mllemaenad · 5 years

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Wizards in Harry Potter aren't liable to be possessed by literal demons from Hell regardless of their good intentions. Furthermore, non-magical people in Harry Potter also have guns, sniper rifles combat planes, tanks, heat seeking missiles, NUCLEAR BOMBS to equalize the fight if a dark wizard starts thinking that he should rule them. The two settings are completely different. Give these advantages to non-magical people in Thedas and I will agree that the Circles aren't necessary.

Hi Anonymous person!

Look. I’m a little perturbed by what you’ve got there, because you seem awfully willing to cause harm to helpless people on the basis of what they might do. But I’ll do this in chunks.

Wizards in Harry Potter aren’t liable to be possessed by literal demons from Hell regardless of their good intentions.

Well. Neither are mages in Dragon Age, largely because ‘hell’ doesn’t exist. I know that sounds flippant, but it’s important. Andrastianism isn’t Christianity, of course, but it does have a Christian aesthetic – more specifically a Catholic one – and the Chantry operates in a world reminiscent of a time when a pope could dominate kings and start holy wars.

That Christian aesthetic is also applied to spirits. Instead of the ‘Seven Deadly Sins’ we have Enchanter Brahm’s five demons: rage, hunger, sloth, desire and pride. It’s a useful game mechanic, absolutely; you can’t have infinite monster designs in a game, and it helps the player figure out what kind of weapons to employ in any given fight. However, as the story goes on it becomes increasingly clear that the Chantry’s view of spirits and demons is simplistic at best and outright wrong at worst.

Spirits embody something that has become important to them. There are many, many more kinds than the Chantry’s sins and virtues lists would acknowledge. There’s a spirit of Command hanging out in Crestwood in Inquisition who just really wants someone to obey its orders for a while. Solas will talk to you about a spirit who embodies an ideal people have forgotten.

Demons seem to be largely spirits who have suffered in some way. We usually don’t know why. Solas’s friend is an obvious example – a spirit who was inexpertly summoned and trapped by frightened mages. It’s also noteworthy that Merrill talks about her ‘demon’ being bound and left over from war. While of course we can’t know exactly what happened there, we can fucking guess, right?

These are all just beings – people. And they’re all from the same place. Not hell, heaven, purgatory or anything like that. They’re from The Fade, which is their home, the source of magic, and was apparently much closer to the rest of the world before Solas and the Veil.

I’ve noted repeatedly that spirit possession is an important part of several cultures, and is often a positive thing. Possessed mages serve as companion characters (Wynne, Anders) and kick some serious arse in battle, and Justice just wanders around in Awakening wearing a corpse and it’s fine.

Of course, no one is saying that possession can’t go wrong. I’ve played the games, and of course my characters have killed both ‘demons’ and ‘abominations’. But. When you say something like ‘demons from hell’ you’re imposing a particular religious view on the story – one that allows you to simply declare that these people are evil and that it’s fine to kill them. We know that it is possible to liberate a possessed mage, and to heal a spirit who has been corrupted. We have seen both those things. But why bother if they’re evil, right? Just lock them up and kill them if things get tricky.

That view is wholly wrong for the setting of Dragon Age. But it is … pretty well on par with the view the Chantry actually expresses. So when you say ‘demons from hell’ I actually think that’s an excellent reason why the Circles should be abolished, because it’s imposing ideas on this situation that are wrong, unhelpful and cruel.

Also. I mean. Also. Yes, I have fought possessed mages in Dragon Age. I have also fought possessed templars. Possessed trees. Possessed bones. Possessed rocks.

If you feel we need to lock up everything that can get possessed, you’re going to have to start with all the people and then move on to all the plants and inanimate objects. If all things can be possessed, then all things need to be locked up. And if all things are inside the prison, couldn’t we just … not have one?

Furthermore, non-magical people in Harry Potter also have guns, sniper rifles combat planes, tanks, heat seeking missiles, NUCLEAR BOMBS to equalize the fight if a dark wizard starts thinking that he should rule them.

Um. Sorry Anonymous person but … what? Have you … read those books? Now, granted I haven’t read them in a while but I have read them. And … I have no idea what you’re talking about.

‘Muggles’ in Harry Potter are usually comic relief, and even the ones that aren’t simple buffoons are depicted as largely helpless against magical attacks of any kind. The British government shows up just long enough to express a heartfelt ‘What the actual fuck?’ at the war with Voldemort before promptly vanishing from the plot again.

All of this … stuff about conventional weapons you’ve introduced has come from your imagination. It’s not how the relationship between Muggles and wizards is portrayed in the novels at all.

In fact, conceptually, I would say that the wizards of Harry Potter are much scarier than the mages of Dragon Age. Tevinter had an empire in Dragon Age, and because they value magic the magisters undoubtedly used it in the fight to obtain that empire. But they were taken down by famine and Blight, and finished off by war. In the series’ ‘present day’ Orlais has achieved the exact same thing as Tevinter with significantly less magic (not no magic, of course, since they will drag their imprisoned mages into battle), and there’s no sense that Tevinter can just zap its way back into power. They are constrained by economics, geography and politics just like everyone else. Magic is useful, but only up to a point.

Now … in Harry Potter, there’s a pretty strong sense that wizards could just take over the planet any time they felt like it. In fact, the back story contains one Grindelwald, who actually did want to take over the world and enslave Muggles. This was not a war between Muggles (who are not supposed to have been able to prevent this) and wizards, but rather an internal schism in the wizarding community. Gindelwald was not defeated by NUCLEAR BOMBS (And seriously – what the hell, is your plan to defeat wizards ‘flatten Scotland’? because that’s what would happen if you tried to bomb Hogwarts. You want to take out Diagon Alley? Congratulations, you just blew up London.), but rather in an old style man-to-man duel with another wizard. In a castle. They were ex-lovers. I’m assuming it was on the ramparts, it was raining and everyone was screaming like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith.

I haven’t kept up with it, but I am peripherally aware that J K Rowling has said … increasingly weird things over the years, and I’m not attempting to defend any of that. But there was a general … theme in the novels that … most people probably aren’t fascists, and when the fascists come from within it is the community that must take them down. So Muggles are not given much power or agency at all.

This had nothing to do with heat-seeking missiles. Just … what?

Meanwhile, over in Dragon Age the Chantry talks a lot about mages having advantages in battle, but in practice that’s not what we actually see. For a start, non-mages have plenty of weapons that work just fine against magical enemies - swords, spears, arrows, axes. Nobody in Thedas has NUCLEAR BOMBS, mage or not. It’s not setting appropriate. Anders may have been a mage, but he had to rely on explosive material (likely gunpowder) to actually get a significant bang.

Non-mages may also wield enchanted weapons, meaning that they can literally take magic into battle with them. The mage over there is shooting lightning from her fingers? Your sword shoots fireballs. What the hell are you complaining about?

Nor does simply having a weapon in your hand mean that you know how to use it. I don’t know how to use a gun. Someone could give me one, in a crisis, I suppose. But it would only be luck that allowed me to incapacitate an assailant, and I certainly couldn’t fight several. Most ‘ordinary’ people in Thedas won’t have much in the way of weaponry. But likewise, neither will mages. They have magic, but that isn’t the same thing.

How many dead bodies do you need to prove this? The mage who was apparently murdered by villagers in Crestwood, when she went in to try to help them. The mages cut down by the Qunari swords in The Demands of the Qun. The villagers who were going to fucking lynch Rhys and his friends in Asunder.

It feels like you’ve made up a story about how magic works in both of these series that isn’t true to either of them.

Give these advantages to non-magical people in Thedas and I will agree that the Circles aren’t necessary.

So … to be clear, you’re arguing for:

the abduction of and permanent separation of children from their parents

forced conversion to a religion and the suppression of alternative religious beliefs

deprivation of citizenship and the basic rights that come with that

reducing people to a permanent infantile status as wards of a religious institution

permanent surveillance of affected individuals (phylacteries)

execution without trial where deemed appropriate by religious authorities

… because people might get possessed and can sometimes make fire come out of their hands? Well. Okay then. Good to know.

#dragon age #chantry critical #Anonymous

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letterboxd · 4 years

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Ten Things We Learned at the Rise of Skywalker Press Conference.

Director J.J. Abrams and the key cast spill some beans about Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker.

Although we’re gifted more Star Wars content than ever these days—all hail baby Yoda—a new Star Wars film still means something. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker “is wrapping not one film, not three films, but nine,” says director J.J. Abrams, “so the responsibility was significant.”

Abrams is only the second two-time Star Wars director after George Lucas, lured back because “we live in a crazy time, and Star Wars to me was about hope. It was about community, it was about the underdog… Seeing all oddballs represented and the most unlikely friends. It really is about hope, and it’s about coming back to a sense of possibility.”

As the culmination of the nine-film Skywalker saga, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker has the dual burden of wrapping up one of—if not—the most beloved cinematic stories ever told, and helping the franchise move on from the often toxic divisiveness associated with the previous film, Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi. Which was amazing, by the way.

Daisy Ridley (Rey) and Adam Driver (Kylo Ren) in ‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’.

Letterboxd’s West Coast reporter Dominic Corry reports his learnings from a press event with the key cast, plus Abrams, Lucasfilm head Kathleen Kennedy, and co-writer Chris Terrio (an Oscar winner for Argo).

1. Sure, the fans are everything, but you can’t think about them. “My job as director was to make sure that all the pressures of all the obvious things—fan expectations and studio—weren’t on the set, so that on the set we could have a buoyancy, a sense of being spry,” says J.J. Abrams. “While it was never quite an ‘indie’ on the set of this movie, we needed to keep the thing feeling as human as possible, and not like a massive machine.” Oscar Isaac (Poe Dameron) agrees: “The way we approached shooting a lot of these scenes, there was a looseness to it. There were things shot in big, beautiful, choreographed takes that are just astounding to watch.”

2. It’s all good when you have the right people. “We didn't know at the beginning of The Force Awakens exactly what it would look like with Daisy Ridley and Adam Driver and Oscar Isaac and John Boyega,” says Abrams. “What would that cast be like? On the first day of Rise of Skywalker, we knew those things were working. What we didn’t know was everything else. The scale of the movie is pretty enormous, [but] none of that would matter if you didn’t care deeply and track with the people. So the most important thing—people—we were good with. We knew we had this incredible cast, who I think have gone beyond people’s expectations and are extremely spectacular in the film.”

Anthony Daniels (C-3PO) and Oscar Isaac (Poe Dameron).

3. Isaac and Boyega fail, again, to quell the Poe and Finn-shipping frenzy. “When Oscar first came in, the chemistry was blatant,” John Boyega (Finn) reminisces. “There was a natural vibe between me and Oscar. I don’t know why. I just liked the guy.” Oscar Isaac elaborates in, er, more detail. “He came into my dressing room, he was so sweet. He was like, ‘You wanna run the scene before?’ and I’m like ‘Yeah!’ In the dressing room we were like butt-to-butt and ran the scene together and from then on we’ve been in that position.”

4. Rian Johnson’s Last Jedi set things up nicely for Skywalker. “Larry Kasdan and I, and Michelle Rejwan and Kathy [Kennedy], the producers, we had talked about quite a few things back [on The Force Awakens], so it was a bit of picking up where we had left off,” Abrams explains of Rise of Skywalker’s storyline. “What Rian Johnson had done in The Last Jedi had set up some things that were wonderful for the story. One of the things being that the cast was separated. The characters weren’t together for the entire movie, essentially, so this was the first time this group got to be together.”

Getting together with co-writer Chris Terrio to pick up the threads, Abrams says, “we immediately wanted to tell a story of an adventure, there were some very specific things that we were both drawn to immediately. We just started doing that thing that you do, which is you say: ‘what do you desperately want to see? What feels right?’”

5. Keri Russell freaked J.J. Abrams out. New cast member Keri Russell, who plays the mysterious bad-ass Zorii Bliss, kept her mask on between takes. “J.J. emailed me and said: ‘Do you wanna be in Star Wars?’, and I was like, ‘Yeah!’ Then he told me the idea about the mask. Personally I loved the mask. That’s my fantasy: that I can see everyone, in a super-tough version of myself in costume, and nobody can see me. That’s my dream. It’s a real power play. Because no one can really see what you’re thinking, and you can see everyone else.”

Keri Russell as Zorii Bliss.

The problem was, says Abrams, “Keri loved the mask so much that the first two days she worked as Zorii, the entire two days, I never saw her face. She could have, like most people, taken the mask off between takes. Or after a couple of hours. Or after two whole days! I got to work with Keri for a couple of days and never saw her. It was weird.”

6. There are horses in space. Space horses. Fellow new addition Naomi Ackie, who plays mysterious freedom fighter Jannah, found her character through Jannah’s physicality. “I felt like Jannah’s strength was in her body, so when I got to training, that’s when I was like, ‘I’ve got this’, being able to do pull-ups and horse riding, and with that came the confidence that I hadn’t previously experienced.” (Those space horses have a name: orbaks.)

Naomi Ackie as freedom fighter Jannah.

7. Richard E. Grant broke the review embargo and was not sued (yet). Third major new cast addition Richard E. Grant, who plays Allegiant General Pryde, feared he was in deep trouble for tweeting his reaction to the movie after a cast screening the night before this press event. “I thought that Disney would sue me, because I think you’re not supposed to say anything about it. But I didn’t tweet any spoilers,” he promised, before going on to review the film some more.

Just seen the 1st cast screening of @starwars #THE RISE OF SKYWALKER. What it achieves, weaves & resolves, is a total emotional meltdown & resurrection of the Spirit. Bravo to @jjabrams & his astonishing cast & creative crew 💥🚀💥🚀💥🚀💥🚀💥🚀💥🚀 pic.twitter.com/EwtYghYTXK

— Richard E. Grant (@RichardEGrant)

December 4, 2019

“Having seen the first one when I was a theater student when I was twenty years old, before many of this cast were even born, it’s an extraordinarily emotional thing to see just the passing of time that goes through all of these movies. It felt really like a combination of everything I’d read in the Bible, Greek mythology, The Wizard of Oz all rolled into one. It delivers an emotional wallop at the end that I was totally unprepared for. I was wiped out and I barely slept. So thank you very much for having me.”

8. Carrie Fisher is everywhere. “I, like everyone who knew her, loved Carrie,” says Abrams. “The idea of continuing the story without Leia wasn’t a possibility, and there was no way we were gonna do a digital Leia. There was no way we would ever re-cast it. But we couldn’t do it without her. And when we went back to look at the scenes that we hadn’t used in The Force Awakens, what we realized is we had an opportunity and we could use that footage, use the lines that she was saying, use literally the lighting, the… [at this moment a stage light suddenly and unexpectedly turns off] …that was amazing. That was creepy. Hi Carrie. That’s so Carrie, by the way, to do that. Weird.

The late Carrie Fisher (Leia) hugs Daisy Ridley (Rey).

“In any event,” Abrams continues, “we knew we had an opportunity to use the footage to create scenes that Leia could be in. And of course, had Carrie been around—and it’s still impossible for me to believe she isn’t, because we’ve been editing with her for about a year, and she’s been very much alive with us in every scene—if we’d had Carrie around, would we have done some different things here and there? Of course we would have. But we had an opportunity to have Carrie in the movie, and working with all the actors, including Billie Lourd, her daughter, who’s in scenes with her, we were able to do something that Carrie herself, I’d like to think, would be happy with. She’s great in the movie, of course. And it’s still emotional and moving to think of her and how sad we all are that she’s not sitting here with us.”

9. Everyone is emotional. Daisy Ridley found the emotional demands of playing Rey more trying than the physical burden. “With the physical stuff, you train and train and train… obviously the stamina needs to be there for you to continue to do the thing. But I would say it was more demanding emotionally, because there really wasn’t a day where I was like, ‘Oh, it’s just a quick scene’. Coming from the last one, which was quite heavy, even the joyous scenes I found very strange to do. That was probably the most tricky thing, to sustain that emotion. There’s a singular intention that was tiring.”

Likewise, Oscar Isaac found his character’s optimism tested. “He’s always had a bit of wild-card energy in figuring out where he fits in the story, and I remember J.J. getting excited about dirtying up the squeaky flyboy image that he’s had for a bit and just revealing a bit more of his personality. [We see] the hope that I think he in particular brings, a kind of relentless, almost aggressive optimism that he has. And how that is tested. And how he tries to push them all even when it seems quite hopeless.”

10. John Boyega has no time for shit-talking. “I really do genuinely respect J.J. because he’s not into bullshit,” Boyega says. “When you come into this industry the way I did, you get a whole bunch of promises. A whole bunch of people telling you, ‘this is gonna happen and that’s gonna happen’. J.J. was like: ‘I really liked you in Attack the Block and we’re gonna get you in something’, and in my head I was like, ‘I’ll see you in twenty years mate, champion’. But I auditioned at [Abrams’ production company] Bad Robot several times before Star Wars. For TV shows and other stuff. And it just so happens that Star Wars was what I was right for. I appreciate him not being like the rest of this industry, talking shit half the time.”

‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’ is in theaters from December 20. Related: read our recent interview with Rian Johnson about his new whodunit, ‘Knives Out’. The Star Wars films, ranked by weighted average rating (‘The Empire Strikes Back’ takes the top spot), and by overall popularity (‘The Force Awakens’ rules). Naomi Ackie appeared in ‘Lady Macbeth’ with Florence Pugh. See the rest of her film history here.

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ask-the-page-of-space · 5 years

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vivithedragon said: So, I've been struggling with my classpect a little bit, I strongly connect with the Life aspect, but I'm not as sure about the Maid class as I used to be. This may be because I'm a rather anxious person, but I would like your take on it. I'm a creative person who always wants to help people ( even if I don't always know how). I try to be kind to everyone and I tend to be a bit weird around my friends. I'm a Derse dreamer and I used to think I was a Mind player before I really explored aspects.

It’s fine if you’re questioning your classpect. It can be very hard to find one that you feel sums you up. It’s kinda like choosing a Hogwarts house: You may feel you engender qualities of one house, but have aspects of another as well, and it confuses you as to where you “belong”. So it is with classpects. A Maid of Life is one who feels obligated to protect others and nurture growth. In Sburb, this often has a literal meaning, but it can also be metaphorical. If you do like helping others but aren’t sure how, maybe being a Maid is closer than you think.

I’ve read some speculation that a Maid is a player who starts out relying on others for their aspect and must learn to rely on themselves for it. I’m not sure how this fits into canon, but if it holds true, it may imply that as a Maid of Life, you would feel unable to grow and mature as a person without outside influences and need to progress in your life on your own two feet. As a Derse dreamer, your problems will tend to be internal, so this description might fit as well. If you were a Maid of Mind, it would indicate a desire to protect and serve the ideas and plans of yourself and others, and may indicate an early path of letting others make all the plans themselves before starting to step forward and offer your own insight. It may simply be that you have Mind-related qualities; nobody said you can’t dabble!

Figuring out just what class and aspect you are can be tricky. There are plenty of tests and quizzes out there, but ultimately, it all boils down to what you really identify with the most. What do you want your role to be? Will you support and nurture? Protect and advise? Keep thinking on it; I know you’ll settle on something that matches you perfectly. I know I did!

#Ask the Page of Space #classpect help #Maid of Life #vivithedragon

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catholicartistsnyc · 5 years

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Meet Baltimore Featured Artist: Rebecca Mlinek

REBECCA MLINEK is a Baltimore-based screenwriter, poet, fiction and creative non-fiction (CNF) writer.

Check out her work: (Upcoming Podcast | Facebook | Short Stories & CNF)

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION (CAC): Where are you from, and what brought you to Baltimore?

REBECCA MLINEK (RM): I'm from Pittsburgh, Pa. I got married right after college and my new husband's job brought us to Baltimore. That was 20 years ago! It took a while, but Baltimore now feels like home.

CAC: How do understand your vocation as a Catholic artist? Do you call yourself a Catholic artist?

RM: This is a tricky question. I don't think I can be anything other than a Catholic (insert noun here) if I take my faith seriously. But at the same time, I don't label myself a "Catholic writer" because Catholics aren't necessarily my audience. Most of my writing community, and most of my audience tend to be non-religious seekers of truth. Those are my people - I get them and I think they get what I do.

I see my mission as a writer as bringing some of the weird, complicated, messy way the world works into greater relief. I often find myself exploring ways in which hope can be found in the midst of pain. Both of these align with Catholic principles, but aren't strictly Catholic ideas.

CAC: Where have you found support in the Church for your vocation as an artist?

RM: Does your newsletter count? (Editor’s note: It does.) I am lucky to belong to a parish (Mount Calvary in Baltimore) that attracts artists and musicians and scholars, and interacting with my fellow parishioners is always inspiring. But otherwise - I often don't even look to the Church for support in my writing. I, maybe wrongly, assume that the powers-that-be are looking more for propaganda than the challenge of art, and I'm not interested in that kind of writing.

CAC: Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith?

RM: I've found my fellow artists and writers to be incredibly supportive! Which goes against the popular assumption that "Hollywood" is a bunch of godless monsters. Most of the people I interact with are lovely, caring, and deeply respectful of my religious beliefs, even when they don't understand them. They are, frankly, often more conscientious and respectful than fellow Christians.

CAC: How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

RM: Paying us? Ha ha. Actually, I think the main thing the Church needs to do is to embrace being challenged. Loyalty to our faith is not the same thing as refusing to ever acknowledge problems. A spouse who refused to ever consider or face the beloved's faults would be neglecting his or her duty. I think artists are the Church's nagging spouse, and spending more time listening and less time in knee-jerk defensiveness could open up a whole world of beauty we've really almost closed ourselves off from.

CAC: How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

RM: Honestly, in my experience the artistic world is very welcoming. Most artists understand devotion to an ideal - it's not that long of a jump between that and devotion to a Person.

CAC: Where in Baltimore do you regularly find spiritual fulfillment?

RM: Mount Calvary (part of the Personal Ordinariate of the Chair of St. Peter). The liturgy is beautiful and reverent, the people are friendly and wonderfully weird, and the pastor is a truly devoted and hard-working priest. You can find the best book club (like, serious discussion about serious books) I've ever come across. You can find parishioners handing out breakfast sandwiches to the needy on Saturday mornings. You can find pews crawling (literally) with children - a truly vibrant community. I can't recommend this parish highly enough!

CAC: Where in Baltimore do you regularly find artistic fulfillment?

RM: I sometimes make it to the Baltimore Women in Film Collective, though not enough to call myself part of the group. They are great collection of women, though, and I wish I could make meetings more! I love the Baltimore theater scene - I particularly love the Chesapeake Shakespeare Theater Company. I was gifted season tickets a few times, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Also, the BSO is a great asset to my city! We are always moved and inspired when we go to a concert.

CAC: How have you found or built community as a Catholic artist in Baltimore?

RM: I teach writing for high school, which plugs me into the writing community in a very natural way. Writers come to the school to mentor the youth, and I get to connect with them! Also, my students grow up to be passionate and talented writers themselves, and I look forward to the day when most of my prestigious writing contacts are former students!

CAC: What is your daily spiritual practice?

RM: I never write anything (even this) without first saying a section of the Liturgy of the Hours. I'm freewheeling with the time, but I love repeating the psalms - I feel like I slowly absorb ideas that are too deep for me to get after just the first few hundred reads.

CAC: What is your daily artistic practice? And what are your recommendations to other artists for practicing their craft daily?

RM: I work on my writing every day! But I don't beat myself up if it's working on wording for a website or a grant application rather than creative writing.

My biggest recommendation, actually, is as a mother. Give yourself permission to spend time on your passion! If keeping your counters pristine all day long gives you joy, great! But I promise you, nobody is going to remember how gritty your counter-tops were if you spend that time writing instead. (I know this because my counter-tops are, in fact, truly appalling.)

CAC: Describe a recent day in which you were most completely living out your vocation as an artist. What happened, and what brought you the most joy?

RM: I recently wrapped recording on a fiction podcast I wrote and directed. It was amazing to me how much energy it gave me! I came home from a long day with no food, having slept very little, but with more energy to hang out with my kids and husband than ever. Seeing my words brought to life was a joy unlike almost anything else.

CAC: How do you afford housing as an artist?

RM: Both my husband and I work full time - housing in Baltimore isn't horrible (though it's not great), but putting our six daughters through college is a constant financial stress.

CAC: How do you financially support yourself as an artist?

RM: I teach writing full time for a public magnet high school, which is a nice way to make money as a writer, since I'm immersed in the craft of it constantly. The Stowe Story Lab is a wonderful community of writers, and one I'm very proud and grateful to be a part of. Rocaberti Writers is another group (through their writing retreats in Spain and France) I've been fortunate to join. Online, I've found a lot of support through the Roadmap Writers programs. They really trained me how to pitch myself and my stories, and have connected me to some wonderful and supportive mentors.

CAC: What other practical resources would you recommend to a Catholic artist living in Baltimore?

RM: Lots of coffee. If you're in Baltimore, I don't know why you'd drink anything other than Zeke's. I also have to mention one of my favorite bars, since I recently published a poem dedicated to it: Max's Taphouse in Fells Point. It's a serious beer bar, old as dirt, and a great place to spend a few hours with friends.

Also - the library! Use your library! Not only are they great for books, they can help with so many things. For my podcast, I was able to rent out a room in the library for auditions, and then again for rehearsals, and it didn't cost me a billion dollars. I love the library!

CAC: What advice do you have for Catholic artists post-graduation?

RM: Do your art, even if you feel stupid - you might feel like it's a waste of your time, but it isn't! Find people who get it and will support you. Pray - go to adoration, go to mass, pray in the car, pray before you write or paint or whatever it is you do. Let God be a part of your process.

#catholic #artist #catholic artist #catholic artists #catholic artist connection #writer #fiction #creative non-fiction #cnf #rebecca mlinek #baltimore #mount calvary catholic church #Baltimore Women in Film Collective #Chesapeake Shakespeare Theater Company.#Stowe Story Labs #Rocaberti Writers #roadmap writers #max's taphouse #maryland

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grantfieldgrove · 5 years

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Your friends want you to fail.

It’s true.

It’s true and it sucks.

But the sooner you realize this, the better off you’ll be. You can set yourself on the course for success while leaving them behind.

That’s exactly what your friends don’t want, but you have the capability to make it happen.

I’m not trying to be negative, but I’ve learned this the hard way.

Let me back up a bit.

Ten years ago I was working a dead end job at a grocery store. I hated it. The pay was crap. The work was crap. Most of the customers were crap. But I had friends!

I was miserable. I had a temper, I was angry about everything. I was bitter that I worked this job I didn’t like when I knew I should be doing better. I was all over social media, posting about everything, even belittling people I didn’t even know by snapping pictures of them and posting them, then enjoying a laugh at their expense.

That’s bottom of the barrel, self-esteem wise.

I would fight with people who held different political beliefs than me, different opinions about religion, or even movies. I was the loud mouth Fred Flintstone type, but I always got laughs. At least some.

It didn’t take long after my son was born to realize that something wasn’t quite right with him. He was extremely delayed and obviously autistic. I blew it off and didn’t believe it, making excuses as to why he was so behind.

We had to enroll him in a special school at age 2. The bitterness grew.

One day I decided to buy an iPad. Just because.

I took it home, unboxed it, and sat on my floor to play with it. But instead of playing games, I started writing.

I literally started writing a novel out of nowhere. It was a hoot. I started carrying a little notebook around work, thinking of plot points. It was great, because when you carry a notebook and pen around while working, people assume you’re working really hard!

Before I knew it, I had a book. I didn’t know what the hell to do with it, but I had one.

I found out you can self-publish books on Amazon, so that’s exactly what I did. I gave it a once or twice over, figured out how to format it, and it was published. And wow, did it have a lot of typos. The story was good, though. Some people bought it and it actually got good reviews. Some friends even bought it, though I doubt many of them read it. But still, it felt good. So I started the second book and finished it in record time. This one was even funnier and I liked it a lot, although, once again, I skimped on the editing.

Shortly before the release of that book, I had a falling out with most of my friends. I had planned a big party in Las Vegas, everyone was going to attend, but it was just a disaster. We had a suite at the Aria, but none of my friends even stayed in the hotel. Not a problem, but they stayed way down the strip at Paris. Then got so drunk at the pool, not a single person showed up. So yeah, I was pissed. And the party wasn’t just for fun, it was a special occasion for my wife. And every one of them let me down. So that’s that. We left first thing in the morning, leaving them all in the dust.

Nothing was really the same after that.

All of this is just specific backstory that doesn’t pertain to you, but the basic elements could. The moral of the story remains the same.

Cut to ten years after I first sat down to write that novel. I now have 11 books, including the first ever murder mystery series for kids, which even, somehow, became the runner up for some award I already forgot the name of. Three of my books have been produced into audiobooks and two have advanced to the semi finals in an Amazon-sponsored fiction contest where out of 10,000, 400 advanced. I’ve gotten positive reviews from Kirkus, and a few other publications.

These are facts that I am proud of. I share these from time to time on social media, although I am still not comfortable with talking about myself.

But, now my friends don’t buy my books. Maybe one or two, not even my “Facebook friends” who were on board at the beginning. The last book published is my favorite. I’m so happy with it and proud of it. I literally tried to give away copies to people I know. I didn’t have a single taker.

I would promote the book being free on Kindle during a particular day or weekend, or whatever, and not a single person would respond to it. I tried to give away Audible audiobooks. Not a single taker.

It’s so bizarre.

Why?

I could understand if the books were garbage. There are a lot of genuinely bad books out there, especially since self publishing has gotten so popular and easy to do. But my books aren’t those books.

I started a small publishing services company, just as a side job to help people out. People who were lost like me when I first started.

My friends didn’t care.

Granted, it’s not very exciting, and with the emergence of “multi-level marketing,” starting a business isn’t that impressive, apparently. (Remind me to tell you about this amazing magical wrap thing! Kidding.)

One thing I forgot to mention earlier, is that I went without Facebook for about a year and a half. I hated it. I hated the fakeness of it. And I was bitter. Bitter that I was trying to better my life, to branch out from a dead end job and try to make something of myself, and I never got any good feedback from it.

My son is severely autistic, he’s ten now and still completely non-verbal. We don’t have a typical life. We have to adapt to whatever life throws at us, and that’s what I was trying to do. My son hated when I had to go to work. He didn’t understand why I had to leave, often in the middle of the night. So I tried to change things.

And still I got nothing. So, bye bye Facebook. Good riddance.

It was weird at first. I still had this urge to let everyone know what I was doing. Like, them knowing would someone validate me doing it. If your Facebook friends don’t know what you do, are you really even doing it?

While I’m typing this, my Facebook is back. But there is a reason. Over the summer, while I was doodling on my iPad, I had an idea. I could put these things on tshirts. I would totally wear them.

So I looked it into. I saw that the possibilities were seemingly endless. Why stop at tshirts when you can make leggings? Why stop at leggings when you can make backpacks?

It goes on like this.

So I went all in. And I mean, ALL IN!

I had quit my job at the supermarket a few months prior. I had enough money to survive for a while while I explored new paths. So I sunk everything into this little venture. I was going to make horror related clothes. The horror market is severely underused. There are, of course, some major players in the horror game, but they all had to start at the bottom, too. So I went for it. I made a website. I made an Instagram and a Facebook. And after a week of the site being up, I made a sale. And then another sale.

Turning a profit is tricky, though. I needed word of mouth. I needed friends.

So I got back on my personal Facebook page after a year and a half, and let everyone know what I had been up to while I was gone.

It landed with a thud.

Nobody cared.

In the time I was gone I had a kid’s book, and novel, and this clothing company all launch.

I got nothing.

I started booking comic cons and would post pictures.

Nothing.

I have a little booth downtown, with all my stuff displayed, where you can walk in, buy something, and help support me and my family, by buying small, staying local.

I’ve had one friend visit it.

One.

It’s been there for six months.

I posted a few pictures of horror-celebrities wearing or showing off something I created.

Nothing.

I drew posters for a few events, movie screenings, even a stage play. I posted them. The most recent one I posted got 6 likes.

I have 590 Facebook friends and 6 of them liked a poster I did for a Scream 2 screening.

I have a family member whose daughter wanted “something Michael Myers” for Christmas. I have tons of Myers stuff. Stuff I poured my heart and soul into. Stuff you can’t find anywhere else.

This person did not buy from me. She bought a generic Myers t-shirt from a major store and probably spent more than she would have with me.

Right now, through luck and hopefully hard work, my work is in the processing of being officially licensed. Which means, with a little more work and a whole lot more hustle, it could end up in stores like Hot Topic, etc.

And then what?

I don’t know. I like to daydream. And I would like someone to be proud of it, someone who doesn’t live with me.

But, there comes a time when you have to let that go. Your friends won’t be proud of you. They will belittle you. They will find something to nitpick about what you’re doing.

And it sucks.

Strangers will support you. Your friends will not.

The sooner you know this, the better. You can delete your personal Facebook, you can shrug your shoulders at all the people holding you back and making you feel bad about leaving your comfort zone and taking a risk.

There is no law that you must remain friends with the people you were once friends with. Cut em loose.

This is about you. It’s about your dreams. Your life. Not theirs.

If they don’t want to follow you on your journey or cheer you on, cut them loose. Release that anchor from around your neck and push full-speed ahead.

You’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish when you stop worrying about what so-called friends think and start realizing that no matter what you do, there will be someone who admires you and looks up to you, just as you’ve looked up to someone else when you started your self-fulfilling journey.

Be the person you would want to look up to.

You can do it.

Start today.

Two months ago I had to attend a wedding where all of these people would be, all these “friends.”

All I heard were complaints. Whoever we struck up a conversation with, complained.

Complain complain complain.

I understood what was wrong.

We didn’t complain. My wife and I, we only told positive stories.

Our complaining days are over. We’ve moved on. We seemed out the positives from our lives and choose to focus on that.

All this did was draw out more complaining from the wedding guests.

So tone deaf and these people we’ve left behind, they were complaining about students (the teachers we knew) that are very similar to our son.

Like, really?! This is our life. You go home at 3. We live with this. And we still don’t complain.

So far back these people are, I had to hear outdated and cringeworthy jokes, I had to hear casual sexual harassment, breasts referred to as fun bags, in front of the girl they were talking to, and the groom’s nieces. They still use the R word to describe anything, despite knowing my son is extreme special needs.

Once you realize that you don’t want to live in the world these people still inhabit, the sooner you can progress to where you want to be.

You’ll never be happier leaving them, and their outdated thinking, and their complaints, and everything else that makes you miserable to hear about, behind.

And you can do it.

You can do it right now!

Log out of Facebook and get to work.

Find people to look up to and follow them. Do your own thing. People will begin to follow you.

I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m just giving you a heads up of what’s to come.

You can sidestep it completely.

You just need to realize that your friends want you to fail.

Prove them wrong.

Don’t even tell them.

Start now.

Go.

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lacquerware · 6 years

Text

Mega Man should stop presenting its flaws as indispensable features

When I was fifteen, I learned to play the song Malagueña on the piano. It was a laborious project; the culmination of nine years of piano lessons under the tutelage of Mrs. Diane Miller, and the main event for her upcoming student showcase.

This arrangement of the piece was a seven-pager, and somewhere around page four was a problem phrase I kept playing wrong, a rapid two-handed run up the keyboard with tricky fingering. I got to a point where I could play flawlessly up to that phrase, only to flub the phrase every time. Each time I flubbed it, my teacher would stop me and send me back to page 2. “You have to perfect that phrase,” she would say, “so try it again, but first play the preceding two pages, so it’s no longer fresh in your mind by the time you get to it again.” Alas, this would result in more flubs, and after three flubs in a row she would send me back to the beginning of the entire piece. “You’re still not getting it,” she’d say. “So I think we should run through the stuff you’ve already mastered one more time.” I would glance at her, trying to read her intent, and she would stare back at me, bug-eyed and malevolent.

The above story is false,because Mrs. Miller was a kind, intelligent, and non-insane person. Like all people of that description, she understood that you don’t work out a problem area by indiscriminately repeating ALL PRACTICE. When you get one problem wrong on a math quiz, you don’t review the entire textbook. You don’t work on your free throws by drilling layups and then also free throws. You can’t learn to poach an egg by toasting English fucking muffins all day. To suggest otherwise is an act of hostility.

Mega Manhas always carried this hostility. The game dishes out its challenges in neat little screen-sized units, but penalizes your failures with gratuitous setbacks, often requiring you to replay entire stages from the beginning. This makes learning inordinately tedious. You have to retread every yard for every yard gained.

I guess this is a relic of the arcade age, when games were designed with the express intent of punishing players—unless they paid up. Indeed, most of Mega Man’s NES contemporaries inherited this same feature in the form of finite lives and scarce checkpoints, but it never made much sense on home consoles. You could argue that it prolonged the lifespan of each game, but that only held true for the masochists who continued to tolerate this torturous system rather than reallocate all that wasted time to more fruitful pursuits like, I dunno, learning to play piano or poach an egg.

I’ve always liked Mega Man, but it was already starting to feel like a tired concept as early as Mega Man IV. I was about eight years old by then, and starting to catch on that they were running out of boss motifs. Pharaoh Man felt like a red flag.

Mega Man has since proliferated into a multi-faceted franchise spanning more than 120 titles and three decades (and for the record, I’ve played through almost all of them), but it’s never really dispensed with its ancient baggage. Mega Man X brought new visual flare while diversifying the core action; Mega Man Zero imbued the series canon with new consequence and cool factor; Mega Man ZX fused the classic gameplay with the Metroidvania template; but all of these spin-offs continued to punish, punish, punish, to gatekeep their content from the series’ own consumers to no certain end.

When Capcom revealed Mega Man 9, I was momentarily taken with the nostalgia of it, but quickly lost interest when I realized that Capcom had no intent of evolving the series’ concepts, even in basic quality-of-life ways. Lives and weapon energy were still pointlessly commodified, checkpoints sadistically scarce. They’d even removed what few innovations the series had seen to date, such as the slide and the charge shot. Nor did the roster of Robot Masters appear any more inspired than the cast of rejects that had turned me off five installments prior. Capcom had had seventeen years to think about it and all they’d come up with were lame analogs of pastbosses, like Tornado Man and Magma Man. It’s like they thought they hadto retread the same shit beat for beat or people would get confused. Even their ace, Splash Woman, was just another in a long line of water-themed bosses.

Mega Man 10 as a follow-up was downright depressing. Strike Man, Pump Man, and Chill Man are what you get when you realize yesterday was the deadline and all you’ve got is a pen and a cocktail napkin. I can’t fathom that a bunch of game designers sat around brainstorming ideas for Mega Man fucking 10 and someone was like, “Hmm, what about an ice-themed boss.”

Now we have Mega Man 11, the long-awaited, belligerently-demanded revival of the MM franchise after some eight years of dormancy. After playing the demo, I find myself wondering why. Why are we here? Why is Mega Man 11 Capcom’s answer after saying no to Mega Man for eight years? It’s the SAME.

Yes, it looks and sounds nicer and there’re a couple new mechanics—which are themselves comically uninspired takes on the ancient tropes of bullet time* and Devil Trigger—but I’m mystified at how unchanged the formula still is after eight years of seemingly adamant dismissal of the entire franchise, let alone the thirty-one years they could’ve been critically examining it. Do they realize that other developers have been building on this genre since the eighties?

*Weird side note: The tutorial for Mega Man’s new “Speed Gear” ability explains that the gear makes you “move so fast that everything else seems slow,” but in practice Mega Man moves just as slowly as everything else. So it’s not Mega Man who’s moving fast, it’s. . . the player?

Punishment as “Difficulty”

In the Block Man (lol) stage of the demo, there’s a section where you have to jump and slide through elaborate platforms as they scroll toward you, an insta-kill grinding device nipping at your heels all the while. The third platform has very peculiar collision detection, such that your head bonks against the empty space you’re supposed to jump through, seemingly rendering the challenge impossible. This is several screens into the stage but still prior to the first checkpoint (on Normal mode), so every time this platform killed me, I had to start the entire stage over. After about fifteen tries, I discovered that the collision doesn’t trigger if you’re holding left as you make the jump—an illogical thing to do unless you’ve died so many times you’ve run out of other ideas. By the time I cracked this idiosyncrasy, I’d already spent close to an hour replaying the preceding screens over and over for no reason. Why is this still a thing? This is punishment, not difficulty. It contributes to the challenge only in that it makes the experience less fun, “challenging” your resolve to continue playing. Think of all the origami you could be learning. All the old ladies you could be helping cross streets.

The Mega Man games are quite clever in the way they parse out the platforming and shooting in little bite-sized units. Each screen is essentially an action puzzle for you to solve. It would be so logical for each screen break to be a checkpoint, because each screen break isa checkpoint—the start of the next challenge. Games like Super Meat Boy do this, meting (meating?) out their challenges in bite-sized, infinitely repeatable increments. Nobody accuses Super Meat Boy of being too easy because it doesn’t make you repeat the shit you’ve already completed when you fail at the current task. If you wantthat kind of punishment, no one’s stopping you from resetting the game.

Mega Man 11 adds a “Casual” mode which increases the number of checkpoints, but it’s still annoying to me that the more punishing model is treated as the norm while the more logical distribution of checkpoints is treated as a concession. Soulsplayers will tell me to “git gud,” but that’s why I led with the piano analogy. I got damn good at Malagueña, and I still had time left over to do my homework and play video games.

Special Weapons

Using your Special Weapons in Mega Man games is like spending the money you might need to pay rent on stuff you could be getting for free through your well-connected friend Dave. The trial-and-error pairing of the right weapon and the right boss is such an integral part of Mega Man’s progression that any other use of anyspecial weapon becomes a high-risk gamble—unless, of course, you just Google the answers.

I understand the need to impose limits on the more powerful weapons, but games have figured out countless better ways to do this in the thirty-one years since Mega Man 1. Cool-down times. Cool-down meters. Recovery proportional to damage inflicted. Recovery proportional to damage received. Recovery by way of skillful attack, à laMetal Gear Rising. Enemy fire absorption à la Alien Soldier and Radiant Silvergun. Ranger X on the Sega Genesis had solar-powered special weapons; why not steal that idea for this game’s allegedly solar-powered protagonist?

Instead, even in its eleventh installment in two-thousand-goddamn-eighteen, Mega Man still employs an RNG-based item drop system. Replenishing your meter is as simple and menial as finding an enemy spawn point and brainlessly standing and shooting until an enemy happens to drop the energy you need. Don’t forget to cycle over to the gun you want to replenish, or else the battery is wasted, as if Mega Man just eats it by mistake.*

*Later games in the series introduced the Energy Balancer, a purchasable item which automatically refills the weapon that needs refilling even if you don’t have it selected. Why is that a thing you have to buy? Why put a fundamental improvement to the game behind a paywall, virtual or otherwise?

Meanwhile, MM11still employs the same bizarre meter continuity between deaths as past installments. Each death means repeating sections of the stage without reacquiring any previously spent meter, effectively creating a difficulty vortex—the harder this game is, the harder it gets. There was a ruthlessly capitalistic logic to this in the arcade days,but the Mega Man series has never been coin-operated (with a few obscure exceptions). It hasnevermade sense that, often, the best strategy is to voluntarily leap to your death over and over to force a Game Over, just to restart with a full weapon meter as an alternative to the tedium of refilling it manually or facing the boss without it. What is the explanation for this meter continuity in the first place? Are we supposed to think Mega Man is repeatedly exploding and materializing but he can’t materialize a few extra shots from his bubble gun while he’s at it? There’s a multi-faceted idiocy to this whole system.

Rush

Capcom ought to take a long, hard look at Rush, Mega Man’s transforming robot dog companion. It’s hard to believe the same guy who invented a fully autonomous solar-powered robot boy couldn’t design a dog-shaped spring that runs on renewable energy. Special weapons are one thing, but why does Rush have an exhaustible meter? He’s a fucking spring. It makes no sense as a narrative detail nor as an element of game design. What exactly are the designers trying to limit? Your ability to spam high jumps? The logistics of the Rush Coil already do that; you have to set him up like a lawn ornament and he peaces out after a single bound. He’s unspammable, even with a full bar. To begin with, there are rarely that many useful opportunities to use the Rush Coil within a single stage, and energy power-ups are infinite as long as you’re willing to endure the chore of finding them, so it’s not as though the game is challenging you to budget your resources—it’s just discouraging you from searching for those meaningful jump opportunities in the first place. It’s driving you to Google.

Bosses

The Robot Masters have always received special star treatment in the Mega Man games but rarely been very interesting as boss fights. You know the deal: dodge the dizzying hail of projectiles in an empty square room while desperately scrambling to land enough hits with the weakness weapon before you die. Considering all the fanfare these bosses get (mug shot, intro screen, and now reveal trailers), most of them feel kind of interchangeable. Most of them have nearly identical silhouettes and shoot functionally redundant projectiles in superficially different shapes. Every gun is a Lucky Charms marshmallow.

The boss fights actually do seem a little more interesting in Mega Man 11—Block Man in particular stands out with his mid-fight transformation into a hulking colossus. I’d hoped to see more of this in future Mega Mans—fights that evolve and really set each Robot Master apart as a distinct embodiment of its corresponding motif—so maybe they’re onto something this time. Still, it’s a little ridiculous that this game has yet another fire boss, electricity boss, cold boss, and bomb boss. Why are we still here?

Before the mob comes for me, I want to stress that there’s always been lots to love about Mega Man, and I’m glad Capcom is investing in the IP again. I just hope this is the start of a long-term effort to reevaluate and improve the series, not another short-sighted extension of a tired status quo.

#mega man 11 #mm11 #capcom #games #video games #videogames #gaming #reflections #demo #games writing #criticism #rant

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calleo-bricriu · 5 years

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okay seriously who could have possibly been more persistent at trying to break you than him?

Adyna.

I was with her from 1978 to 1982. Just shy of five years.

I've gone into details of what she did during that time before so I'll just keep it neatly wrapped up as: She was dreadful in every sense of the word.

The thing is, she meant it when, after I left, she told me if sh couldn't have me she'd make certain nobody else could either.

I didn't think much of it for various reasons all going back to her just--being a terrible person. In all honesty, I forgot about it within a couple of months.

When I look at the past eight years in hindsight, I can clearly see that I should have taken her seriously because that's exactly what she did. When I left, she took a swing at me with a dagger and landed a glancing blow that was enough to make me bleed and that was another thing I didn't think much of at the time either.

The thing with blood magic is that, even among people who routinely use or study the Dark Arts, blood magic specifically tends to be avoided and shrouded in--not mystery but lack of written details. Most texts are held in private collections and not readily shared because most aren't legal to possess anymore. Those not in private collections are kept under heavy lock and key, in a manner of speaking, because it's one of those offshoots of the Dark Arts that can be (and is) dangerous enough that the people who practise it rarely talk about it and the people who don't don't want to touch it.

While there are some practical, defensive, legal uses--legal being you're using your own blood, typically, and not someone else's--the majority of it is a difficult to trace, difficult to uncover, easy to screw up, often requires or results in someone being an unwilling participant, designed only to harm sort of thing.

I’ve never quite understood the ‘difficult to trace’ aspect as it’s one of those forms of magic that often has a distinct signature to it that’s different from person to person but, I reckon, you’d have to know who that person is first to be able to recognise the source and if they’re not going around bragging about it that could make it a bit tricky to track down.

That said, by around 1988 and after David ended up in Azkaban, I started to think that the problem might actually be me because every relationship after her both went and ended generally not well.

I wasn't incorrect, though I was incorrect as to the root cause; the thing about dark magic in general is that it does affect the people who spend a lot of time in close contact with you unless you take steps to keep it contained (more or less).

I hadn't been doing that and it was a perfectly reasonable conclusion that, because of that, it was causing people who spent a lot of time with me to go a bit off the rails.

So, I stopped. Ended up mostly focused on my work and little more. Never really bothered me. I actually cut the department’s backlog by a good seven years in the span of less than two because of it.

Sometime in the fall of 1990 the topic came up in conversation with @absintheabsence and I happened to mention that about a month after I'd broken it off with Adyna, she'd sent me a long, rambling letter attached to a beating human heart in a jar.

I also mentioned it in the context of just finding it weird because, frankly, it was weird and since I didn't know exactly what it was beyond what it looked like I kind of stuck it on a bookshelf and didn't think much of it.

What struck me as even stranger was his reaction to it, because his reaction to it was less the flippant, "Well, that's a weird thing to do" reaction I had to it and continued to have about it over the years and more, "You need to bring that thing here about three years ago why did you not ever mention it before now?!"

I left to get it, brought it back, and I don't think he looked at it for more than two seconds before telling me that crazy--Witch--had me bound to her through it. Not only that, and that’s bad enough, but I wasn’t out of line in thinking she could somehow ‘see’ what I was doing through it and that’s just...creepy.

The thing is, I was more livid about the fact that what she'd done had directly put other people in very real danger of getting killed--and she almost did get Linda killed, not to mention David being stuck in Azkaban--as a direct result of whatever her thought process was.

Even then, I didn't want to kill her over it; I never did, I still don’t. I only wanted her to leave me the hell alone which she obviously didn't do.

He said he could break it without killing her (or, you know, me) in the process and that's exactly what he did.

So!

I don't know if that counts as someone persistently trying to break me, but she certainly was persistent about trying to make good on that statement of, "If I can't have you, nobody else can either."

I just kind of feel sorry for her, to be honest; how miserable of a person do you have to be to do that sort of thing? I couldn't even begin to imagine.

Technically, the issue was me, but the issue was caused by something she very specifically did without my knowledge.

#long post #relationships #hp rp #blood magic #dark arts #blah blah blah #I should probably be way more upset about the whole situation than I am #but I just. don't. care #If I had to guess I'd say that's what likely bothers her the most about it #the fact that I don't care enough to even bother writing her over it let alone going to confront her #Anonymous

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knowthatiloveyou · 6 years

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Catherine Russell Interview for Diva Magazine June Edition

”WHEN IT COMES TO WHAT OUR BODIES LOOK LIKE, WHAT ARE WE DOING TO OURSELVES?”

When Catherine Russell announced her temporary departure from BBC medical soap Holby City, queer fans were in uproar. Together with Jemma Redgrave, she was half of the monumentally popular ship Berena – otherwise known as Major Bernie Wolfe (Redgrave) and Russell’s toughas- nails but impeccably stylish Serena Campbell. But while Serena was on a sabbatical, grieving the death of her daughter and making her beloved Shiraz in a French vineyard, Russell was delighting audiences in Joe Orton’s black comedy What The Butler Saw and taking a road trip around Europe. Now, Serena Campbell is back on the wards and about to be reunited with Bernie, but for how long? Catherine sat down with DIVA to talk feminism on the Holby wards, Serena’s coming out arc, and whether Bernie’s brief return to Holby means an end to Berena – or a whole new beginning.

“I’m very, very lucky in that Serena isn’t a one-trick pony… She’s not just the one canvas. So I get to do a bit of comedy sometimes. Sometimes I get to do a bit of angst with storylines like my mother having vascular dementia, and then the tragic storyline of Serena’s daughter dying. I get to do that. Then of course I get to do romance too.”

It’s the romance that totally hooked viewers to the already-popular soap. Serena and her leopard print scrubs were already established as a fan favourite, and then Jemma Redgrave brought her following from Doctor Who. The combination of two professional women in their 50s teaming up and supporting each other would have won audiences over even without the romance.

In fact, Holby now seems like a hotbed of feminism, which delights Russell. “When I first joined, there was basically me and Jac Naylor, and that was it really. Everybody else was either a nurse or an F1 (foundation doctor).

Now we’ve got a really fabulous strong team of women of a certain age, holding down positions of power and authority, and doing it really well. And also doing it without necessarily all bitching at each other. I’ve always said we mustn’t fall into the stereotype that because there are women in positions of power, they have to be competitive with each other. It’s just been done to death. I don’t believe it, I don’t buy it. That’s not what I see in my day-to-day life.”

Although she is back for good on the show – “That is if Holby want to keep me of course. Every year we have a new contract. It’s not a done deal, but if they do, I think I’d like to be there for a good few years to come yet” – Redgrave isn’t slated to return beyond the few episodes they have in the can. Which sounds a bit ominous for our favourite queer lady surgeons, right? “Basically Bernie comes back as a surprise, wanting to persuade Serena that it’s time for her to go back out and help set up the new trauma unit. Which needs two heads because it’s so huge. That’s essentially where we’re at, and Serena wasn’t expecting her at that point.”

Although the relationship has had to take place offscreen since Serena’s return, the show’s writers have made a conscious effort to keep it alive. But how sustainable is that? “I think up to that point it’s been tricky. I think they’ve tried very hard to do this long-distance, and I’ve think they’ve probably succeeded better than most people do at it, because of the age they are really… But it’s not easy, and I think some of the communication where Bernie’s been has been difficult as well. It hasn’t been straightforward; there hasn’t been great phone signal and stuff like that.

“There’s absolute delight from Serena that suddenly she’s there, but she turns up on a day that’s extremely busy with a very difficult operation that has to be done. So it’s tricky. I think people will really like it because it’s two episodes, and it’s a real rollercoaster. It’s an emotional rollercoaster but I’m pretty sure that people will be very happy with its outcome.”

Hear that, Berena fans? We can all release that breath we’ve been holding. Probably. Either way, Russell was delighted to be working with Redgrave again. “You never can tell with another actor, even if it works, whether there’s that sort of extra spark that’s undefinable.

It’s difficult. It’s a bit like mercury, you think you’ve got it one minute and you can explain it, the next minute it’s gone. There’s a certain amount of extremely friendly rivalry insomuch as the old adage, that if you want to learn how to play better tennis, well, play with somebody who’s a bit better than you. I think that quite often that’s part of the reason we work well together – because she’ll do a bit in a scene and I’ll think, ‘Bloody hell, that’s good. Ok, better up my game’. Then she’ll look at me and go, ‘Oh, I see. That’s good, I’d better up my game then…’ But there is also the air between the two of us that is difficult to explain. There is definitely something chemistry-wise that works.”

”WE’RE CONSTANTLY TOLD BUYING THINGS WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. IT WON’T. IT’S BULLSHIT”

Although this isn’t Russell’s first time locking lips with a woman onscreen – she played Rachel in lush wartime period drama The Cazalets in the 1990s – the plot line quickly transformed her into a lesbian icon and she’s since appeared with Redgrave on the convention circuit to the delight of fans. Was she surprised by the way fans embraced the relationship?

“It would be disingenuous of me to say that I wasn’t. I was surprised at the strength of feeling, and I was surprised by the numbers. That’s just my ignorance more than anything else. I hadn’t really clocked how bad gay representation is, particularly for women. I have to put my hands up to that. So I hadn’t really understood quite how impassioned and important it was going to be. But as soon as I did, I was delighted.”

She’s determined to use her platform, both on social media and on Holby itself to talk about issues that affect women, particularly older women. “I’m slightly banging my drum at the moment, saying we should do a storyline about menopause, because that’s another thing. You turn the television on, you listen to radio drama, anything. It’s not there. 50% of the population are going to go through this and there are no stories about it. It’s very bizarre. So I do think that issues that aren’t seen and aren’t written about, and there’s a great chunk of the population that are going through certain issues, are vitally important.”

In a profession where women are constantly told they need to look young in order to work, Russell surprised viewers when she returned from her hiatus with grey hair. “I knew I had the nine months off. I knew I would need a wig for What The Butler Saw. I knew nobody would give a monkey’s what I looked like in a van. So I cut it all off, really short, just before I went into the play and I just let it grow out. I’ve been dyeing my hair since I was 28. I had no idea what was under there. I quite like it. When I came back to Holby I think that the producers were a bit…ok, really? Grey? But when I showed it to them, they liked it. At the moment, that’s where it’s staying.

“I really just don’t get the obsession with trying to look younger than you are. I get being thin, I get being fit, I get not wanting to have spots. I get all that, but the obsession with wanting to look younger, I find curious and I don’t really get it. I don’t want to have any more children, why do I want to look like I’m fertile still? It would be weird.”

She’s also passionate about a subject near to the hearts of many LGBT women – vaginas. A Twitter defence of the “full 1970’s bush” a few years ago is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to her one-woman crusade to normalise women’s pubic hair. “I think it’s there for a reason, you know? It’s healthy, it’s good for you, it should be there. The porn industry has a lot to answer for when it comes to what our bodies look like, in terms of hair and the whole designer vagina area of things. Again, really? What are we doing to ourselves? Come on, people. It’s very strange.”

Her current reading is The Wonder Down Under: A User’s Guide To The Vagina, and when she says she’s thinking about buying copies to leave on public transport, you don’t get the sense that she’s joking. “My daughter read it and she thought it was quite academic. I said, ‘Well, good’.

‘Medical’ was the word she used [and] that’s exactly what people need. For young women and young men, there are so many myths and notions of what’s normal and not normal out there. Actually, what we need are a few facts.”

Although Russell confesses she enjoys the fame that Holby brings – “If you’re going to be an actor, you can’t be cross if somebody wants to come up and say, ‘We really like watching you, please could you sign this photograph?’ It’s part and parcel, and it’s fun” – she’s refreshingly unstarry. Three months spent travelling around Europe with her husband in a van saw her embracing a minimalist lifestyle she’s reluctant to let go of.

“That was absolutely one of the most extraordinary things I’ve ever done. It really, really was, and if anybody has the opportunity, take it. Those moments in your life don’t come along very often, and it was absolutely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and has stayed with me a huge amount.

Not least of which because I realised that we don’t need a hell of a lot of stuff. We think we do, and we think it’s important. We’re constantly being told to buy things, and it’ll make you happy if you own this dress or that pair of shoes. It won’t. It’s bullshit, and actually I could have done it for longer. Coming back to a house with all the stuff in it was difficult because I’d just spent three months never wearing make-up, never putting a brush through my hair really. Just having three sets of clothes to change into. It was just great. I loved it.”

So are we going to lose Russell to the road – or, after her hilarious turn in What The Butler Saw, the stage? Not likely, she says. “I had forgotten how arse-wettingly terrifying live theatre is, as I hadn’t been on stage for about five years. It’s a bit like having a baby. You hear people have a baby and they go, ‘I’m never doing that again’. Two years later they’re going, ‘Oh I’m going to have another’.

Have they forgotten? I think theatre’s a bit like that. You forget that it’s frightening and it’s hard work and all of those things. I do love to make people laugh, and so to hear an audience laughing at something you’ve said or done, or a turn of the head, was gratifying to say the least. But I didn’t get to the end of it and think, ‘Right that’s it. I must be on the stage forever, I’ve made a clanging error in agreeing to go back to Holby’. At all. In fact, I thought ‘Well that’s that itch scratched for a while. Jolly good, get me back to the hospital please.’”

So there you have it – Holby City won’t be saying goodbye to Serena Campbell any time soon. Russell is tight-lipped about how that will ultimately affect Berena, but it’s hard not to be glad that the formidable surgeon will be stalking the wards for a long time to come.

Still, if she ever decides to take her feminist politics to a bigger platform, she’s got our vote.

#catherine russell #serena campbell #berena #bernie wolfe #jemma redgrave #diva magazine

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rays-animorphs · 2 years

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Animorphs 7.5, now with more 4400% more POV shifts

Part 1: in which Marco, the alleged smart one in the group, does not understand the meaning of a two letter word, and Rachel, Warrior Princess gets KO'd by baby birds.

First person narration is…it’s not bad exactly, but keeping track of whose POV it is when it switches every chapter and everyone uses “I” could be pretty tricky.

Hey, people who read this stuff as kids: did you spend time wondering which people in your life might secretly be Controllers?

(Cassie encouraging Rachel to go to her gymnastics camp so that she has something in her life other than fighting Yeerks) Cassie understands the concept of burnout.

("Cassie has a theory that Rachel and Tobias like each other") Love knows no limitations.

Sudden, shooting pain is a sign of nerve damage btw. Very serious.

(Cassie's dream about having to decide who lives and who dies) Lotta dreams in this story.

…did “hook up” not mean that thing back in the 90’s?

OK, seriously though, Applegate needs to do a “last time on Animorphs” thing at the beginning and not make me read through this repetitious nonsense again. I remember. I read this all within the last few weeks.

(This is the problem with reading a thing in a significantly different way than originally intended -- I mean, sounds like these came out pretty quickly, but not one every few days quickly. It's also weird when you archive-binge webcomics that were originally intended to be read at a rate of three strips per week or whatever.)

I’d say Rachel gets the coolest morphs (context: she’s morphing into a bald eagle) but it’s really hard to beat a tiger.

Bald eagles like flying against headwinds? I did not know that.

Sometimes the Animorphs have to confront the head of the brain slug alien invasion of Earth, who can turn into terrifying monsters from far-off planets, and whose mind-voice makes the brave tremble in their boots. Other times, they get mobbed by baby birds.

One of the top three causes of death for teenagers is accidental injury.

Of course, a lot of that is just that teens don’t die very often for other reasons.

…you know what, wanting to be independent and not check in with an adult all the danged time and figure out your own risk assessments for things, that’s all completely reasonable, and maybe teens overall would be much better at assessing risk if adults were a lot better at recognizing that teens should be assessing their own risks. And focusing more on working with them to help them develop good risk assessment than on punishing them for not adhering perfectly to the Responsible Adults’ understanding of risk.

What I’m saying is: teenagers have opportunities to go wandering off when nobody will notice they’re missing for a couple days (even if most of them can’t do it as a bald eagle), so it makes sense to treat them like they can and like the greatest safety is in supporting them in their own decisions based on their own values and concerns.

I was a weird kid. I didn’t, I don’t know, go to parties or whatever. But even so, I’ve got grudges about what sorts of things I wasn’t so much as consulted about at that age. Going abruptly from “you’re a kid and it’s not your decision” to “you’re an adult” more or less overnight is frikking weird.

I didn’t brush my teeth for three years in protest.

(I do not recommend that by the way.)

<…but I sense that maybe this is a dishonorable deed.> Ax has a good head on his shoulders.

Tobias trying to talk Ax out of Marco’s plan while actively enabling it. Tobias. Dude. You could have not gotten Marco the mouse.

Oh shit. How long has Rachel been an unconscious eagle?

Eh, I’m with Darlene, if other people want to give Marco a second chance that’s fine, but she doesn’t have to.

OK, so, it’s during the school year, right? And it’s hot? And there’s mountains …not exactly in human walking distance but in wolf walking distance. And an ocean sufficiently nearby to go as a day trip. (I'm definitely thinking SoCal.)

The story of how Marco ruins Darlene’s pool party again.

Boundaries, dude. Boundaries.

Fucking harassment is what this is.

Also possibly assault? Not entirely sure how that works when you’re shapeshifted into an animal. Definitely something not OK.

Is anyone going to bring up how spying on a classmate in order to see what she says about you, and deliberately freaking her out because you didn’t like what she said about you, is pretty bad behavior apart from the “this is not a good use of our morphing ability”/safety aspect? Probably not. Can we assume it goes without saying? Also probably not tbh. Gah.

I mean, yes, none of the other kids approve of the behavior, but they’re not saying why.

Jumping from the kids’ worst behavior being “keeps an old piece of string…in a drawer” and “listens to music in class” to “stalking and assault” is a pretty big leap, which makes me think that perhaps Applegate isn’t thinking of it as a leap. Because one is an offense to adults and one is an offense to a girl their own age.

(The blade thing showing up then disappearing again) Well. That was. Something.

Great, Rachel is stuck between morphs and she’s concussed.

Nice to see Tobias and everyone else being chill about him eating small animals now.

I am somewhat less impressed with the family diversity now that Tobias being stuck in hawk mode means we never really look at what his family’s dynamics are like. Also kinda annoyed that everything other than “one dad one mom living together with kids with no one else” is presented as the optimal option from which every deviation is strictly worse.

“I don’t know if Ax is smart for an Andalite, but he’s really smart by human standards.” He’s really not. He was remarkably good at assembling that distress beacon. He has not shown any particular signs of intelligence or good judgement otherwise. (He gets a very small amount of credit for recognizing Marco was doing something “dishonorable”, then gets docked again for helping him anyways.) Which could either be that he’s smart in some ways and dumb in others by Andalite standards, or that Andalites in general are smart in some ways and dumb in others by human standards. (I don’t want to be too hard on the kid, he’s a long way from home and distracted by fleas and who knows what else, but I’m not willing to give him “smart”.)

Why is Tobias flying closer to something he’s describing as a “compact tornado”? Isn’t that extremely a bad idea?

Nanobot swarm, I suppose. Love it. I was wondering when we were going to get robots.

It’s going after morphs? No. Ax was in human morph. What is going on? Well. Maybe it can sense the process of morphing and is drawn to that, but can’t sense when someone has finished morphing.

I think the idea of Rachel running onto a freeway might have just scared me more than anything else in this series so far. Rachel, do you have any idea how long it takes a car going 65 mph to stop?

Heh. Free ice cream.

Nice to know the house was insured, I guess.

Darlene is having a day. Stalker mice, party ruined, house destroyed.

Tobias doesn’t get a hawk support group and Ax doesn’t get other human-morphed Andalites to have fun playing with sounds with. And the humans are all “yeah, we played with sounds when we were babies, we’re over it now.” It’s terrible.

My current headcannon is all the humans are straight and Ax is both queer and from a society where that’s completely accepted and no big deal, because I said so.

#animorphs 7.5 #megamorphs 1 #the andalite's gift

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