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#I continue to feel like a MPDG to the people I date
oglegoggle
·
1 year
Text
Weird double emotion of lonely and longing & too mistrusting of others to really even want to attempt to date now (if ever again tbh)
#this is goggles
#just tired of relationships that make me feel like I am the sun to them when really they’ve lit me on fire and are burning me up
#so they can in a way pretend to be tragic Icarus who flew too close
#I continue to feel like a MPDG to the people I date
#like I’m eccentric and handsome and dreamy and fun yeah
#But I am not always my best traits
#and often I have weird and tricky needs that nobody I’ve been with has really be able or willing to accomodate
#I know that I’m very very hard to love at my most raw
#it hurts so much to warn someone of this and they insist that they can in fact love me when it’s hard
#but then when my hard time love times roll around whoopsie doopsie guess you were right after all
#and just I put a lot of work and effort into my relationships desperately wanting to milk even a tenth of the effort in return back out
#and I’m tired of it
#I’m tired of putting work into others who think I’m some perfect dreamboat who is going to swoop in and fix their life
#I tired of putting work into people who won’t put the work into me
#couldn’t even schedule fucking counseling for us immediately after his evil cat slashed my literal eyeball
#pathetic slob an absolute manchild a sorry excuse for a partner or a son
#I sure as fuck felt like a crazy hybrid of partner and dad to him as much as I tried to convince him to do his chores and do them right
#this isn’t even the first time that this shit has happened don’t know why I keep letting it
#I’m the nameless love interest in your back story that was sooooo dreamy and romantic and good in bed that you dream of him for life
#the one you fantasize about when you’re inevitably having problems in your 23 year marriage decades down the line
#think about what ever happened to him and wonder if you could’ve made it work
#but I’ll be long long gone
#you won’t know whatever happened to me or if you could’ve made it work
#you’ll go back to your unhappy marriage and tell yourself it’s what you deserve for fucking it up with me
#me? I’ll have probably asphyxiated on my vomit or something by then ol’ Jimi style
#because let’s be real I’m probs gonna lose grasp on my little Habit eventually
#it gets worse and worse with each major trauma I endure
#I need the traumatic experiences to stop please I am so so tired
#may solitude in the Parks give me peace
#may peace give me detachment
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