#and it’s only good abroad and just. that’s enough internet for tonight

[loptrcoptr]

Damn, tumblr is full of some extra bad takes tonight, time to dip

#call me ableist scum of the earth but I am willing to bet everyone money that the hemmer thing was not #intentional disrespect to visually inspired people which is what I’m finding all the Star Trek tags full of #also just saw something with like thirty thousand notes saying that Italian food isn’t good in Italy #and it’s only good abroad and just. that’s enough internet for tonight #(and to stress: I am not disabled so if the hemmer thing is general opinion of most visually impaired people #then I will absolutely back down and rescind my precious statement. but I doubt that’s the deal idk)

[selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs]

Hello hello! I wanted to request a neglected teen! reader who always cuts themselves off from the real life by always playing video games or listening to music or just watching anime and never expresses their feelings. They never take care of themselves and often skip meals and have insomnia. Butttt once you get close to them, they are a bundle of emotions. They are a big fan of physical affections and is a little childish once comfortable. Maybe the reader is also an plush lover? How do the self aware! Bsd cast take care of them and react to them opening up?

You don't have to do this request so take care and don't stress over anything!

Here you go. Hope, you like it.

And don't worry, I am not stressed. But thank you for your concern.

The Real You

Self-Aware! Platonic! BSD Characters x GN! Teen! Neglected! Reader

Description: You don't want to be jugged by others. They want you to be serious. To stop been childish. You don't want to change. But to make things easier for you, you pretend to be emotionless.

But you want to have someone in your life, with whom you can be yourself.

Found Family. Reader love hugs. Reader loves plushies.

Warning: Emotionally Neglectful parents. Reader skip meals and have insomnia. OOC, English is my second language.

_________

They said, that it's time for you to grow up. Your parents almost never been home, spending all their time in their company.

"Your parents are doing it, so you can have a good life. You understand, right?"

Yes, you understand. But, you wished, that they spent more time with you. At least, do their parenting and make sure, that you are eating and sleeping regularly.

"Be serious, please. Don't be childish."

You don't know, if liking manga, anime, music, games and plushies makes you childish, but it doesn't mean, that you can't be serious. Can't you be yourself in your own house?

"Are you spending money on plush toys again?"

"You are playing with plush toys? What are you, a baby?"

Yes, but you earn this money by helping people on the Internet with homework. You can decide, on what you spend this money.

"[Y/N], we are busy right now, we can't give you a hug."

No hugs, no head pats...

Everyone wants you to be serious

To stop been childish.

You aren't sure, you can change.

But you are sure, you can pretend.

Pretend to be distant and emotionless. Hide your interests.

So people won't judge you.

Cut yourself from others, so they won't find out about the real you.

And never tell anyone, that you want a hug.

_______

You almost fell down from the chair.

You doze off again. You shake your head, and blink a few times.

The game you were playing was paused. You yawn. Okay, enough for today.

You turn off your laptop and look at your phone.

5:00 am.

Once again, you didn't have any sleep tonight. Thanks, God, you are on vacation and don't have school for the next two months.

Or you, once again, will had to drink a few cups of black coffee to keep yourself awake.

You stand up from the chair, and take a few steps towards the bed. You plopped down on the bed. Right in the middle of your "nest", that was made out of plush toys.

Your house was big. Big and empty. Your parents work abroad, only visiting you two-three times per year.

Your parents barely were around. They prefer working. They send you money and hire some people to keep an eye on you.

You don't like this people.

They didn't care about your wellbeing. They didn't care, that you skip meals, or have sleepless nights.

They did bare minimum and do their own things.

It would be nice to have someone to care about you.

You cover yourself with a blanket and try to have some sleep.

_________________

🐾 Few days later, your wish come true.

🐾 BSD Characters got into your world. And they didn't like what they saw.

🐾 First thing they do - drove away people, that was your parents hired. And, thanks to some hacking from Ango and Katai and Tecchou's and Fitzgerald's diplomacy skills, they make your parents hire them to take care of you instead.

🐾 So, starting from that day, you had a bunch of people, who take care of you.

🐾 At first, you, as always with other unfamiliar people, were distant and emotionless. You don't want them to laugh at your love for plush toys and hugs.

🐾 Maybe, if you manage to become friends...

__________

🐾 BSD gang doesn't like what they see. You were strange. They have felt your emotions back in their world. You were so emotional, so open. So why you were so closed off? Why you didn't care about your health?

🐾 Well, they will make sure, that you will become better.

🐾 Yosano performs medical check up on you almost weekly.

🐾 The problem with sleep are tricky to deal with.

🐾 They don't want to tie you to the bed or turn off the power in the house.

🐾 So, they just check you from time to time.

🐾 You actually start sleeping more and better.

🐾 The problem with skipping meals were also solved.

🐾 But, they find a solution. A meal duty.

🐾 Teruko and Oda are on meal duty.

🐾 Oda will call you to come out and eat. If you refuse, Teruko will use her ability on you, to turn you into a child. Then Oda would carry you to the dinning room and will place you on the couch between two characters. Then Teruko, once again, would turn you back to normal.

🐾 The first time it happened were interesting.

________

"Oda, I will eat later... Wha? Teruko?" Teruko turn you to a nine-year-old kid. Your clothes were too big for you.

"Well, [Y/N], you need to eat. Don't skip meals." Explained Teruko, giving you a soft look.

Not giving you a chance to react, Oda picked you up and carry to the dinning room. There was almost all BSD gang.

Oda carries you to a couch, where Jouno and Tecchou already were sitting. Oda places you between them.

"There, now I will bring you a plate."

After Oda left, Teruko used her ability again. You were teen again. You wanted to stand up and go to your room, but Jouno and Tecchou almost squeezed you between them. You were trapped.

The dinner was delicious. And you have a nice chat with Tecchou and Jouno.

___________

🐾 After a week of Oda's and Teruko's efforts, you stopped skipping meals. While it was nice to be carried by Oda, or having pats from Teruko, you don't want to be a brat.

🐾 You are not a brat. And you start to open up to the characters. But you were still shy around them.

🐾 The first time you came to the dining room by yourself, you thought, that you will sit on the chair. You would miss sitting on the couch between characters and having chats.

🐾 But, before you can sit on a chair, Naomi grabbed you by the shoulders and lead you to the couch.

🐾 For the rest of the dinner, you were sitting between Tanizaki siblings, having a conversation about new movies.

🐾 Thanks to the meals, you were opening up to others.

🐾 You start to show them your emotions.

🐾 For characters, it was a good sign. You start to resemble the person they knew you are. But, they feel, that something was still hidden.

🐾 Despite understanding, that BSD characters care about you, for now, you were still nervous to show them your more 'childish' side. You were afraid to tell them, that you like hugs and a collection of plushies in your closet.

🐾 The best part of the meals, is that you have a some sort of human touch.

🐾 You love hugs. But, as everyone always said to you, it was childish to like them.

🐾 It was childish to like plush toys.

🐾 Your plushies originally were on your bed, but you hide them in the old closet in the hall, so others won't see them. To others, you said, that there were old rugs in this closet.

🐾 But, one day, the cat was out of the bag.

____________

While you and Atsushi were shopping, Goncharov had an idea to do a spring-cleaning. With everyone to help with it.

For a spring-cleaning, they need a lot of rugs.

They gather around the closet, where you told them old rugs are.

You and Atsushi were back from the supermarket. When you walk inside the house, you saw Kenji opening the closet door.

Before you can stop him, all your plushies fall from the closet.

Silence.

You looked at the characters, embarrassed.

Characters looked at you.

All of you were silent for a good minute.

"[Y/N], why there are plush toys of Sigma, Kenji, Ranpo and me in a basket that says 'Mission: Get a hug'?" Asked Atsushi, looking at your plushies.

You mumble something incoherent. You were so embarrassed. Now they see, how childish you are.

Ranpo chuckled quietly and take a step towards you.

"I can help with explanation".

Ranpo grins.

"Like plushies?"

"Yes" No laughing. Doesn't seem, that BSD gang will mock you.

"Has another interest, that seems not suitable for teens?"

"Yes" You looked at the floor.

"Were called childish?"

"Yes" Gang looked sympathetic.

"It hurts you?"

"Yes" Even more sympathetic looks.

"Try to pretend that your interests have changed?"

"Yes" You finally looked at Ranpo. He doesn't look smug. His gaze was soft, and the smile was reassuring.

"Too much pressure?"

"Yes" Atsushi, who was standing next to you, pet your shoulder.

"Start skipping meals and stay up late?"

"Yes" Yosano's eye twitch. She was really concerned. Finally, she knew the reason behind your bad habits.

"Parents don't care?"

"Yes" This fact angered your new friends. Hirotsu mumbles something about 'not-suitable for parenting people'.

"People, that we throw away, didn't care?"

"Yes" You are sure, you heard Junchirou and Jouno talking about visiting your former 'caretakers'.

"Were afraid that we won't care or will laugh?"

"Yes..." Your cheeks feel warm.

"Feel better now?"

"Yes" You nodded.

"Want a hug?" Ranpo's grin became bigger.

"Yes... Wait, what?" Before you can react, Ranpo hugged you. He was warm. Ranpo start petting your back.

You were pretending not to like it for a whole thirty seconds.

After that, you almost melt in Ranpo's embrace.

__________

🐾 The Wall is broken.

🐾 Now, with BSD cast, you can be yourself.

🐾 You are emotional. You are not afraid to show, that you like your new friends.

🐾 But, for you, the best thing that came, were hugs and head pats.

🐾 The sheer contrast between an emotionless teen with bags under their eyes, that you were, and a bundle of emotions, who almost purr after getting a head pat from Fukuzawa for doing good at school.

🐾 Your physical health and mental health have improved. Now there is no stress in your life, no people, who judge you.

🐾 Now there's only you and BSD characters. You care for each other. And nothing can destroy your new family

#self-awareau #self-awarebsd #bungou stray dogs au #bsd #bsd x gender neutral reader #bungou stray dogs #gender neutral reader #bsd anime #platonic

[tangledstarlight]

days go by and seasons change (lets try again next winter)

julie's ready for a year away from home, studying and trying to refind the magic in music. luke's about to start on a summer tour around europe opening for a band. they meet one night, sparks fly and emotions run hight. now they've just got to try and see if they can maintain a long distance friendship.

ok hello hi so this is my wild ride of a fic that i’m working on, a scene (much later on) came to me in a dream, and much like how smeyer wrote twilight, i just had to find out how they got there fhbdj there’s some drinking which would be classed as underage in the us but is legal in the uk which is where it’s set so 

trigger warnings!! alcohol and swearing

also on ao3 –– [ 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | extras 1 & 2 ]

winter

There was a line almost outside the door for the coffee shop, people wanting something to warm them up or just to avoid the sudden downpour of rain. Julie had been in England for just over a month now and she still wasn’t used to the randomly changing weather, how were you supposed to plan an outfit for the day if it started mildly sunny and ended in a thunderstorm? It was January! She had come prepared for snow, not rain, damn it.

From her table in the back corner of the cafe, hands wrapped around a mug and headphones blaring music, Julie people watched. Sure, she was supposed to be working on an essay, but she’d been there for half an hour already. She deserved a little break.

Even through her music she can hear the sounds of the cafe around her. Customers placing orders and rain on the windows and cups hitting tables and people laughing and it’s comforting. The sounds of life going on around her while she pretends to be doing work.

Pretends, because she’s been trying to work on this essay for a week now and getting nowhere with it.

When she’d signed up for the study abroad scheme her mind had been on experiencing a new country, on the places she could visit, the new friends she could make, the thoughtful looks she could escape.

She hadn’t thought much about the work she would have to do, the essays that would need to be written, the awkwardness of settling into a new place, the strangeness of hearing new accents.

The actual creative side of her course she found easy enough, but when it came to writing about her stylistic choices and her themes and her influences and how they all tied back with what they’d been reading about? She was drawing a blank.

Blowing on her drink, Julie let her eyes wander around the coffee shop. It was a fairly small place with an extensive collection of teas and fresh baked cakes and free wifi. She’d found it by mistake while looking for a music shop her first week in the city, they’d lured her in with carrot cake and coffee and she’d been coming back at least once a week ever since. A group of boys push through the door, shaking off hoods and laughing at something as they join the queue.

Something about them seemed vaguely familiar, like she’d seen them from a distance in a dark club, or scrolled past a group photo of them on her instagram suggested posts. Or maybe it was because they just looked like every other group of young adults she’d come across, both back home and in Liverpool. One thing she had learnt pretty quickly was that boys were the same everywhere.

She was saved from mulling it over by her phone vibrating on the table with a text, Carrie’s name popping up on the screen and Julie swapped her cup for her phone, a small smile already tugging at her lips as she read the series of texts on her screen.

Julie’s attention is dragged away from her phone by something – someone – knocking into her table, sending her pen rolling off and her cup to shake. Pulling her headphones out of her ears she looks up as the culprits eyes widen, mouth pulling into a grimace as he stares at the coffee now running down the back of her jacket that had been happily sitting in the spare chair.

“Shit,” he mutters, already pulling a napkin out of his back pocket and dabbing at the mess. “I’m so sorry, I uh– wasn’t looking and the chair leg and fuck I’m so sorry about your jacket, can it be dry cleaned?”

And he looks so sincere in his apology, all wide sad eyes and words stumbling out too quickly and messy brown hair curling out from under a beanie and accent that sounds like home, that Julie swallows back the annoyed retort she had ready to go.

It was just an accident. Accidents happened. At least it wasn’t over her laptop. Blowing out a breath, Julie shakes her head at him once, pushing back her chair to inspect the damage.

“It’s fine, honestly. Don’t–” she pauses, holding up the denim on either side of the collar and frowning at the pretty large brown stain. “Worry about it.”

Can she wash it? She’s never tried, but well. She bites her lip as she looks at it, the stranger awkwardly standing just a short distance away with a wad of used napkins and his half spilt drink, and yeah, she definitely won't be able to wear it tonight.

“I’m so sorry.” He says again and someone must catch his attention over her shoulder because his eyes dart away from her, eyebrows shooting up and shrugging his shoulders and, it’s kinda cute. The way he seems to be hovering, unsure if she’s going to shout at him.

“Seriously, it’s fine. Accidents happen, right?” She shoots him a quick smile – though not missing the way his cheeks turn slightly pink – before turning back to her jacket, carefully laying it out on the chair to hopefully dry out enough for her to stuff it in her bag before she needs to leave. She really hopes it stops raining.

“I uh– shit I’m sorry. Again. I gotta–” He gestures to the door where Julie can see his friends waiting for him, barely contained grins on all their faces that has Julie rolling her eyes. Boys. She looks back at him, raising an eyebrow even as her lips tick up into a small smile, she’s rewarded by his cheeks going red, the hand still holding the napkins rubbing at the back of his neck and a stuttered ‘goodbye’.

Sitting back down, Julie rolls her eyes again, muttering under her breath about ‘annoying cute boys’ and ‘favourite jackets’. Leaning down to pick up her fallen pen with one hand while the other tapped out a reply to Carrie. An hour more of sitting here, attempting to do her essay and then she’d have to go if she wanted enough time to get ready.

\\

“So where are you?”

Julie couldn’t hear what was being said on the other side of the phone, but judging by the way Carrie was rolling her eyes the answer wasn’t correct. Flynn leans her head on Julie’s shoulder, their linked arms drawing them closer as they walk, it’s not the most comfortable way to walk, but they’ve already had a few drinks and Flynn gets a little clingy after one. Julie puts her head on top of Flynns as they stumble along cracked stone streets.

“She actually might end up killing Bobby at this rate,” Julie mutters and is rewarded with Flynn letting out a laugh that has Carrie looking over her shoulder at them, eyes softening for a moment before she’s rolling them again. If she hadn’t known the other girl as long as she had, Julie would be worried about permanent eye damage.

“Fucking hell. Okay. Yeah, okay we’ll be like, ten minutes then. Yeah, yeah, okay bye.”

Sliding her phone into her back pocket Carrie took a half step back so she was walking with them again, linking her arm on Flynns other side.

“They’re at the Cavern Club,” Carrie looks at Julie over the top of Flynn’s head and lets out a loud sigh, “I know. That’s where we were going to go anyway. They’re so annoying.”

But she says it in a fond sort of way. Like how you talk about your neighbour's dog that barks too early in the morning and wakes you up, but always runs over to say hello to you through the fence when you walk past and brightens up your day. Annoying, but sweet.

Julie’s only met Carrie’s cousin Bobby once, it had been a short ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ type interaction as he ran into Carrie’s house to pick up his bag and then run straight back out again.

She’s never met the other three members of the band at all, but she knows, after doing a little bit of internet searching, that their band isn’t half bad. They’ve got some pretty good songs and a small following that she is sure is bound to get bigger by the time they’ve finished being the opener for whoever they’re touring with and their first album is out in the world.

The three of them flash their id’s to the security on the door, slightly giddy smiles on all their faces even now, still not used to it all being legal for them to drink under the age of twenty-one. But the security guy doesn’t even blink and then they’re walking down a flight of stairs, the air getting warmer and the sound of drums and guitars reaching them.

Carrie grabs hold of Flynn's hand and Flynn grabs a hold of Julies and then they’re weaving through people and avoiding knocking drinks out of hands.

Her attention is pulled from the crowd to the stage at the back of the room, a band playing a cover of something she can’t name, they don’t sound too bad, and the part of her that used to fall in love with music every time she heard it wants to stop and listen. But that part of her is small and quiet and shy now, so she keeps her grip on Flynn’s hand and follows along.

Julie doesn’t know how Carrie knows where she’s going but all of a sudden they’re coming to a stop, her free hand reaching out to balance herself on Flynn’s shoulder even as a small part of her is still trying to work out what the song is.

Turning her eyes away from the stage she looks at the five boys sitting at the table, a collection of bottles scattered across the wood, and Julie smiles at Bobby who’s standing up to hug Carrie, opens her mouth to say hello before stopping. Her brows furrow as she locks eyes with a shaggy haired brunette who’s own eyes are widening in realisation.

“You!” She blurts out before she can stop herself, and if anyone asks she would blame it on the three drinks she had before leaving the dorms, detangling her fingers from Flynn’s to point at him. With the music blaring so loud only the boys still sat at the table and Flynn heard her, the latter turning to raise her brows while Julie can see the boys trying not to laugh.

“He’s the guy who spilt coffee on my jacket earlier,” she shouts over the music, hand gesturing wildly at the table and Flynn follows her hand, eyes resting on the culprit.

“That was her favourite jacket!” Flynn props one hand on her hip and almost glares at him, but it loses part of its ‘scare factor’ when she starts swaying a little in place to the music. Well, Julie thinks it should lose some of it’s scaring power, but the guy still looks kinda worried, so who’s Julie to know?

“I said I was sorry!” He puts his hands up, shoulder raising to almost his ears, and with his eyes already open so wide and his hair curling slightly at the ends, Julie has to wonder how much trouble that look has gotten him out of over the years.

“You guys have already met?” Bobby jumps into the conversation before Julie has a chance to reply and Carrie is looking between them, lips pursed.

“This is the girl whose jacket Luke ruined earlier,” the blonde one says and Julie vaguely recognises him as being one of the boys from the cafe.

“Dude,” Bobby raises his eyebrows at the jacket ruiner – Luke, Julie reminds herself – shaking his head in disappointment.

“It was an accident!” Luke turns his sad kicked puppy look on Bobby before looking back at Julie, his hands lowering but his eyes still drastically wide, “I really am sorry about it.”

Julie tries, she really does, to hold on to that small kindle of annoyance that she’d felt upon seeing him again. But well, the jacket is already ruined and she’s come out to avoid doing an essay and she’s finding it really hard to be mad at someone so cute. Blowing out a breath she shakes her head at him.

“It’s fine, I’ll forgive and forget the whole thing if you buy me a drink.”

“That I can do,” the furrow in his brows smooths out and his shoulders relax and suddenly there’s a smile spreading across his face that seems to light up his eyes.

“So, you’ve met Luke. That’s Reggie, he’s our bassist,” Bobby nods at the dark haired guy sitting next to Luke who grins and waves, and it’s such an infectiously happy wave that Julie can't help but wave back. “Alex, kickass drummer,” the blonde who spoke earlier ducks his head a little, an almost shy smile on his face as he nods at them, “And Willie. Officially he’s one of our roadies, unofficially he’s just here to hype us up and do cool tricks in empty arenas.” Willie, who’s sat pressed against Alex’s side, raises his hand in a wave.

“This is Julie and this is Flynn,” Carrie points at them each before claiming the seat next to Alex and looking at Luke, “We’ll take 3 vodka lemonades. Please.” She only adds the please on the end after Flynn sits next to her, nudging her elbow into her side, Julie notices with a smile.

There’s a moment of bodies moving as Luke gets up from his side of the table, pulling Bobby along with him towards the bar and Reggie is waving his hand at her, nodding at the empty space along the bench next to him that she slides into gratefully.

They can’t really see the stage set up from here, but the music is still just as loud and Julie starts nodding her head along to the beat, trying to focus on the conversation happening on the other side of the table. Something about Carrie’s group and choreography and convincing someone to add in a dance break to a song. She’s laughing at something Willie said when a glass is slid across the table in front of her, a bottle of something passing over her to Reggie and she looks up in time to see Luke sliding into the space next to her, a small smile on his face.

“Forgiven and forgotten?” He asks, eyebrow quirked as he lifts his own drink, tilting it towards her in invitation.

“Forgiven and forgotten,” she agrees picking her glass up and tapping it against his beer bottle, shooting him a smile of her own before chasing the straw of her drink to take a sip, trying hard not to blush at the intensity of his stare.

//

It’s two hours later, three drinks and a deeply regrettable shot later, happily on the precipice of truly drunk but hanging out in tipsy land, when Julie shakes her head at Luke who’s standing on the bench. Tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration as he writes on the curved brick of the ceiling.

“Dude no ones gonna be able to even read that!” Reggie complains from next to her, his eyes squinting as if it will help him to read their names better. It doesn’t, Julie’s already tried.

“Why did we let the one with the worst handwriting do this?” Alex tilts his head to look up at Luke, who waves the hand not holding the pen in his face, almost hitting him but missing by several inches to the left and it sets them all off giggling.

“Because the rest of you are cowards!” He wobbles a little as he shuffles his feet to change angle, and Julie reaches out on instinct to hold his leg, fingers wrapping around his calf as if it will stop him from falling. His head drops down to look at her, teeth biting his bottom lip as he smiles at her quickly before going back to the ceiling.

To leave his – their – mark on a legendary musical site. Luke's words, the rest of them hadn’t been able to talk him out of it so they’d gone right into encouraging.

“I think you’re getting cowards and idiots mixed up,” Carrie mutters, head propped up on her hands, elbows resting on the table. Well, Reggie and Julie and Willie had gone straight to encouraging, the others were still on teasing.

“Do you want your name added or not?” Luke grumbles but Julie can see his pen moving, going over the letters of what she assumes is meant to be Dirty Candi, and bites her cheek to not laugh.

“Don’t forget it’s an ‘i’ instead of ‘y’ for candy!” Flynn leans forward, eyes on the ceiling as she shouts up at him and Luke says something, but it’s too quiet for any of them to hear.

It isn’t until he moves to get off the bench that Julie realises she still has her hand wrapped around his calf, her fingers idly tapping along to the song some guy with a guitar is playing behind them. Heat fills her cheeks (that she’ll blame on how warm it is in the club and the alcohol in her system thank you very much) as she lets go, pulling her hand back into her lap, watching from the corner of her eye as he jumps down and back into his seat, a proud smile on his face.

“Now when we’re big and famous people can come and hunt our names down.”

“And finally realise that you have awful writing and question how any of our songs get written,” Bobby grins at him, elbow nudging his side which sends Luke leaning into her to try and avoid it, sliding along the bench until there’s no space between them, and she can’t find it in herself to be too mad about it. He smells like tequila and mint and aftershave all mixed together, not really a good combination, but one she finds herself liking anyway.

“Well why don’t you start writing the songs, huh?” Luke retorts, and starts a back and forth with Bobby, Alex chiming in and Flynn watching it all like a tennis match, and Juile tries to follow it, but all she can think about is how Luke hasn’t moved back. How his thigh is pressed against her leg and his arm is resting around her back, hand near her hip and how if she wanted to, she could rest her chin on his shoulder and kiss his neck.

Not that she wants to kiss his neck. Does she?

Julie furrows her brows, biting her lip as she examines those thoughts, tries to decide if it’s the alcohol or the music or her lack of sleep or if she just wants to kiss him.

Flynn says something and it makes him laugh, loud and bright and unrestrained, head thrown back and eyes closed. And yeah, she just wants to kiss him. Fuck.

//

Reggie slings an arm around her shoulders, the other going over Flynns and tugging them together until their cheeks are all pushing together and Julie giggles, poking at his side with her partially trapped arm.

“What do we think chocolate tequila is like?” He asks, eyes glued to the chalkboard menu above them.

“Not as nice as the summer fruits one,” Julie says back, wrinkling her nose a little at the memory of when she’d tried it. If you liked chocolate, it was a bitter disappointment in her opinion. But she was also drunk enough now not to mind.

“Alex says we can’t get the coffee one. Thinks we’ll have a repeat of the red bull incident.” Luke appears on her other side, pushing his body into the small gap between her side and the next group of people. He’s stood so he’s facing her – them – and rests one arm on the counter top.

“Man he’s gotta get over that, it was one time,” Reggie mutters and Julie wants to ask what the ‘red bull incident’ is, but then Flynn is sliding three shot glasses towards them, salt and limes following, apparently having ordered without any of them noticing.

“We’re standing with mango!” Flynn shouts, shot already in one hand and salt on the other, clearly waiting for the three of them to catch up. Reggie lowers his arms and Julie can feel Luke’s hand brush past her arm as he moves to lick the back of his hand, she can feel herself flushing as she watches him do it. And is happy to note that he flushes just the same as he watches her lick her hand in turn.

Idly, Julie notices that Reggie counts them down, that Luke inclines his head at her before he lifts his shot to his lips, that Julie lifts her own, the liquid sliding down her throat with a slight burn that’s not eased at all by the lime she bites into. She squeezes her eyes shut against it and when she opens them sees Luke grinning at her, eyes full of something she can’t name but makes her want to blush again.

“Y’know what? Screw Alex, four of the coffee my good man!” Reggie shouts next to her, waving a hand at the bartender in front of them who just rolls their eyes but puts out four more shot glasses.

“Okay, you gotta tell us about the red bull incident,” Flynn finally asks what had been nibbling at the back of her mind from the moment Luke had spoken so she pulls her attention away from him and back to her friends as Reggie launches into his story that even grabs the attention of the bartender for a moment.

But Luke is a warm presence at her side, leaning into her space and breath ghosting against her neck as he chimes in the story. If she stepped back, just a little, she could lean her back against his chest. She wonders if he’d wrap an arm around her waist to hold her steady? Julie blinks and blows out a breath, raising an eyebrow as Reggie talks.

“Wait, how’d you get onto the roof?”

//

“So why Liverpool?” Luke asks, hands stuffed into the pockets of his coat as they aimlessly walk through almost empty streets, faint music coming from clubs and other drunk people giggling in doorways. The fresh air has helped a little to sober her up, but not enough for her to know where they’re going. But they’re following Carrie, who has a plan for the night and they’ve no option but to follow it.

Julie wraps one arm around herself, the other pushing hair over one shoulder as she thinks about it. There isn’t really a big fancy answer, no special reason for her choice, she shrugs at Luke, lips ticking up into a smile.

“It was the only place still with spots open,” she can see the slight confusion on his face and explains more, “I wasn’t going to take the study abroad year, but I changed majors and I needed to get away from home for a while. Carrie and Flynn had already signed up and the internet said the train didn’t take too long to get to Manchester or Glasgow.”

“You changed majors?”

Of all the things she’s said that hadn’t been the part she’d thought Luke would zone in on. It wasn’t really something she liked to talk about much, her fall away from music. She still loved it, still listened and wrote and sang, but the passion she’d once had, the magic she’d once felt whenever she sat at a piano? It had gone away. Had been gone for a long time. Had been gone for four years and she’d only been pretending she still felt the magic.

Everything she played or wrote was missing something and no one had seemed to notice but here.

It hadn’t been until one of her teachers in first year had pointed something out that Julie had finally confessed. And changed course and major the next week.

Everyone had tried to understand, had listened as she explained why she couldn’t do it. How her mom and music were so intertwined together in her head and her heart that it felt impossible to detangle them, to love and play music without always feeling like there was something missing. But she knew they didn’t really get it

So she’d signed up for the study abroad, and picked Liverpool because they had a good English Lit course and was close enough to her friends if she needed them. Okay, so maybe she’d lied a little, there was a fancy answer for why she’d moved, but picking Liverpool had just been random.

“Yup,” she pops the ‘p’ and glances ahead of them, where Willie has Alex clinging on to his back, running through a puddle and laughing loud and clear. She can’t help but smile at them, at the carefree way Willie spins around and Alex holds tighter, face red with whatever he’s trying to say between laughs. Luke must follow her gaze because he lets out a soft snort of laughter, and she can see him shake his head from the corner of her eye.

“I’d hate them if they weren’t so adorable together,” he muttered, but his gaze is soft as they both watch the couple; Willie lets Alex off his back and grabs hold of his hand before he had a chance to get too far away. They’re all soft eyes and teasing smiles and vibes that scream about being in love, you’d have to be blind not to see it. Julie looks away, feeling like she’s intruding on a private moment as they share a kiss.

“Tell me about the tour,” Julie says, drawing Lukes attention back to her and it’s the right thing to say because his face lights up with a smile that she’s sure is going to drive girls wild one day soon.

//

Julie nods along with the song blaring through the speakers, mouthing the words so herself as she scrolls through her phone, ignoring the press of bodies crowding the smoking area as best she can. From her spot near the wall, opposite the door, she can see Carrie and Willie and Alex dancing together, wide smiles and heads thrown back.

Flynn and Reggie are talking to a group of people off to the side and Julie can see the way Flynn has pulled her braids over one shoulder and is gesturing to Reggie every few words the way she does when she’s trying to hype someone up (she knows, from having been on the receiving end of it, many times). Bobby, standing with them, seems to find the whole thing hilarious, grinning around the cigarette hanging from his lips.

“Okay, favourite book?” Luke asks, leaning in close to be heard over the noise and if he doesn’t move back, well Julie’s not about to complain. The little space heaters on the wall don’t provide much warmth, and it’s January and she’s cold and someone ruined her jacket.

“Currently or of all time?” She asks, raising an eyebrow as she turns her head a little to look at him. Her heart stutters for a second at how close his face is to hers, she can see the small flecks of green in his eyes, can feel his breath ghost across her cheeks.

“Current,” he says and she can see as his eyes flicker down to her lips quickly before back up to her eyes and Julie really hopes she’s not blushing right now.

“Stardust. By Neil Gaiman. I’m reading it for one of my classes and it hits all the boxes for a fairytale.” She likes fairy tales, likes the idea of them, likes the message of true love and pure of heart and happily ever afters. This one just happened to involve lightning pirates which was a bonus. Okay, so maybe the lightning pirates were mostly a film detail, but still. “Favourite food?”

“There’s this little hole in the wall place down by the strip? They do the best cheeseburgers. If I could have one for every meal, I would.”

They’re still standing close together, eyes staring too intensely for a game of twenty questions and comments about cheeseburgers and Julie’s eyes flicker to his lips, can see the way they’re pulling up a little on one side. She wants to lean forwards, close the gap between them and press her lips against his. But then she shivers, shoulders hunching up around her ears as she rubs her bare arms, conscious of how close they’re sitting and how much she just kind of wants to steal his body heat.

“Are you cold?” He’s biting his lip, pulling back out of her personal space and Julie almost whines at the loss of contact and body heat and – well maybe she’s too drunk to be making smart choices right now if she’s five seconds away from whining.

“Well someone ruined my jacket,” she points out, eyebrows raised at him and is rewarded with his cheeks flushing and one hand rubbing at the back of his neck which she’s quickly coming to realise means he’s embarrassed or just a little flustered.

“I thought we’d agreed to forgive and forget about that?” He mumbles and before she can come up with a response Luke is standing up, shrugging his jacket off his shoulders and then he’s carefully draping it over her shoulders, fingers tapping lightly on her arm until she holds it out for him to slip through one arm hole, doing the same on the other side and then pulling her hair out from under the collar.

It’s too big on her, but the faux fur inside is soft on her skin and still warm from Luke and she can stick her thumbs through the little gaps created by the fastened buttons and if she turned her head a little she could smell his aftershave clinging to the collar. Julie can’t help the little smile that graces her face, rotating her shoulders to let the coat settle better on her body.

Looking up at him her brows furrow a little at the look on his face (if she wasn’t so drunk and giddy and tired she’d say it was something like awe but that made no sense. Why would Luke be looking at her in awe while she wore his jacket?), but it’s gone just as quickly as it appeared and he’s smiling at her, that wide smile from back at the start of the night when he’d handed her her drink and she’d tapped it against his.

“Thanks,” she tilts her head to the side, loose curls falling across her cheeks as she looks at him, a wide smile of her own and she opens her mouth to say something else – though she’s not sure what she’s going to say – when another voice cuts through and pops the little bubble they’ve created.

When did they even create their private conversation bubble? Julie doesn’t know, and from the way Luke’s head whips around to land on Flynn and Reggie and Bobby with wide eyes, he probably doesn’t know either. But it’s nice to know that he’d been enjoying their conversation as much as she had.

“We’re gonna get food, come on!”

//

“I wanted to be wrapped up in bed an hour ago,” Julie sighed but there’s no real annoyance in her tone as she hugs Luke’s jacket closed tight across her chest, shoulder brushing against his arm as they walk.

“But you also wanted pizza instead of McDonalds like everyone else.” And Luke has a point but she still pulls a face, sticking her tongue out at him and getting a laugh in return. She couldn’t even be annoyed at it, he had a nice laugh.

Plus, when she’d said she wanted pizza Luke was the only one who’d wanted to come with her, the rest of their friends going back to their hotels. He’d walked all the way to the takeaway with her, shared half of his chips and then started walking her back to her dorm, insisting on carrying her half eaten pizza too. It was all very sweet and kind and not helping her not want to kiss him.

“Where’s your first stop?” She asks, because he was about to start a tour and she had school and maybe if they were both back home they might have been able to give something a go, but they weren’t and Julie wasn’t really a one night stand kind of person.

“We’re heading up to Newcastle on Sunday to kick it all off,” there was a slight bounce in his step, his excitement almost palpable and Julie could tell that this was all he’d ever wanted. To play music to as many people as he could. A small part of her remembered what that was like, to want to share your songs with the world.

“Sing something!” She pulled him to a stop in the middle of the street, bouncing a little on the balls on her feet and grinning at him. Because she was still a little drunk and she missed feeling excited about playing music and here was this sweet charming guy who loved it so much and felt it with everything he had and Julie wanted to be like that again too. She wanted to think about music without it being tinged with sadness.

“What?” He laughed, eyes a little wide and glassy and with his hair looking more wild then it had when they’d started the night, but Julie was pretty sure she looked the same so she didn’t comment.

“Sing! Anything! Please?” Julie tried pouting at him, doing her best impression of Carlos and his puppy dog eyes and something about it must have worked because Luke huffs out a laugh as he looks at her, biting his lip in thought for a moment before he nods his head for them to keep walking before he starts singing.

His voice is a little rough, from screaming lyrics in the clubs and shouting to be heard in the bars, and his words are a little slurred because he’s a little drunk and a lot tired, but Julie’s sober enough to decide it’s one of the best versions of Mamma Mia she’s ever heard. As he gets to the first chorus she joins in.

They were just two slightly drunk young adults, singing in the street and if nothing else comes of his night she’ll always have this memory of unadulterated joy.

“You can sing,” he whispers and now it’s Luke’s turn to pull her to a stop with a hand on her arm and a look of wonder on his face. Julie shrugs a little and can feel her cheeks heating, but she keeps their eye contact and smiles at him.

“Only drunk in the streets.” Which is more true then he’ll ever know.

Luke opens his mouth to say something but she cuts him off by pointing over his shoulder at the building behind them.

“This is me.” She’s not sure what to do now, take her pizza and run? That seems a little rude, and unsafe. Julie’s not sure she can actually run in these shoes without falling. Luke looks over his shoulder quickly before looking back at her, blowing out a breath and nodding.

“Right, right.” He seems just as unsure as she is about what to do now, which makes Julie feel a little better about it.

“I should–”

“Can I–”

They both start at the same time and then Julie is laughing and Luke is huffing out a breath while a smile grows on his face. The only thing between them is a pizza box and she doesn’t miss the way his eyes keep flickering down to her lips.

“I can’t kiss you!” She blurts out, a hand quickly going up to cover her mouth and Luke’s eyes widen, taking a half step back, retracting his hand like he’d been burnt.

“That wasn’t– I– this–” Luke started stuttering, face going red and Julie quickly shook her head at him.

“That came out wrong! Fuck. I–” She curled her hands into fists at her sides, squeezing her eyes shut before opening them, “I want to kiss you, but I can’t.”

The shock on his face had softened at the start of her sentence only to morph into confusion at the end.

“You’re gonna have to explain this to me, Molina.” Luke still looks confused, but he’s still standing in front of her and that’s enough for her.

“I like you,” she dips her head as she says it, because Julie’s pretty sure she could really like him if given the chance, “but I’m no good at one night...things and you’re about to go on a tour and I’m stuck here and I just, I think– I think I’d like us to be friends. I think we could be really good friends actually.”

Because they’d only spent a few hours together and she’d laughed and smiled more in that time then she had in awhile. Luke was sweet and funny and had something to say about every song the DJ picked to play but sang along anyway. Which is why she doesn’t want to risk a friendship for one night in bed. The confusion on Luke’s face turns into understanding and the soft, slightly sad smile that he gives her tells Julie that she’s right. A friendship with him would be better than one really fun night.

“I get it,” and he carefully puts his hand back on her arm, squeezing slightly before pulling away. “And, for the record, I’m not very good at one night things either.”

Her heart beat sounds loud in her ears and it takes Julie a moment to refocus her thoughts. Friendship. No kissing. Friendship.

“Well, maybe if we can keep a friendship going until we next see each other we can try this moment again,” she waves her hand around them with a small laugh. They could probably keep a friendship going long distance, but Julie isn’t so sure that they’ll ever get a moment like this again.

“Deal,” Luke grins down at her and pulls his phone out of his back pocket and unlocks it, Julie raises her eyebrows at him when he holds it out for her, “In order to keep in touch we’re gonna need to exchange numbers.”

“You make a point,” she agrees, putting in her information and handing it back to him in exchange for her pizza box. “Text me when you get back to your hotel, okay? So I know you didn’t get lost.”

“Yes, boss.” His smile is a little teasing now and Julie shakes her head at him as she brushes past him to walk into her dorm. She’s half way across the road when stops in her tracks to turn back at him.

“Wait, I’m still wearing your jacket.” Julie stars to shrug the item off when Luke shakes his head, already starting to walking backwards down the street.

“No, keep it!” He shouts with a smile, “Means we’ll have a reason to see each other again and have another go at this.”

Julie just shakes her head at him with a laugh, watching as he walks away before tightening her grip on the box and finally making it into her dorm. She’s still got an essay to write and a pile of laundry to put away and magic in music is still missing, but she’s gotten herself a new jacket and a friend who she thinks could make her life a little brighter. So she’ll forgive and forget that she's home an hour later than promised.

#julie and the phantoms #jatp #julie molina #luke patterson #alex mercer #reggie peters #carrie wilson #willie #flynn #rosie vs writing #i just. really like making fake texts and igs and tweets lmoa #*fics

[jiminrings]

cabin pressure

pairing: taehyung x y/n

glimpse: pilot!y/n who accidentally became famous bc of a viral post about her, best friend!jimin!, taehyung having a shy lil crush on you aND ot7 being meanies for a tad bit :((

wordcount: 17k

notes: this is my first bts fic im gonna post and for sentimentality’s sake, im paying homage to the bullet-point format™️ because this is the same thing i use for my reviewers and it’s v effective in making me focus and not lose interest!!! 

╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

jimin really misses you :((

you’re his longtime friend!! someone who’s stuck with him even before he was famous!!

unlike tHose who suddenly appeared claiming that “aHHHHH jimin from bts aha actually we were friends even tho i have never spoke to him once hE’s actually asking me out and-“

and he loves u to death even the both of you fond each other annoying at times

like that one time he pretended he was sick with a bug just to get u out of your very important meeting just bECAUSE he wanted u to cook up a meal he missed

“hey why are u crying and also can you pls still cook why you’re crying”

“jimin i fucking hate you”

:((

and needless to say he really made up for it because he may have screwed up your job bc he wanted you to drop EVERYTHING to cook cheesy tonkatsu for him

so yes he really went up and above just to get you to forgive him

and u know what

jimin misses his best friend so much that he’s thinking of you in the middle of a meeting

and literally at the mention of bon voyage, the gears in his head start spinning!!!!

basically his thought process was:

bon voyage = abroad = y/n = oH DAMN OH RIGHT Y/N’S A PILOT = airplane whoosh = abroad = BON VOYAGE!!!!

“PD-nim!!!!!!”

“what”

and he’s really gonna make a leap for this because it’s given that him and the boys ride in private jets and first-class and all

literally everyone is looking at him now because his previous outburst of a call was surely attention-grabbing and it makes him shrink a bit because aha :D oops lol okay so what i was saying

“i-i was thinking uhm like since, abroad, right?? my friend y/n y/l/n is a pilot!! and the airline she-...”

“you know y/n y/l/n??” bang si-hyuk literally asks with his eyes wide and everyone could tell that it was the positive type of shock

wait

what

everyone in the room is like divided with some nodding and some clapping excitedly and some just with their mouths agape

and that confuses jimin because

“you know y/n??”

bang si-hyuk, ceo of big hit entertainment, his boss,,,, knows you, his childhood best friend-

and it’s not like jimin is territorial when it comes to his best friends and most esp you!!!! but yeah he realizes that he is now, especially because everyone in the room apparently knows you??? and he’s only ever introduced you to the boys???? briefly?? hope and jin have yet to meet you in person???

“how could we not?” jungkook interjects with a bunny smile on his face and everything is seriously confusing jimin rn because honestly

“do you like live under a rock” yoongi has the most confused face ever to jimin’s cluelessness, the situation being ironic because normally the hyung is slower when it comes to these type of things

“y/n went viral all over the news like last week!! up to now even” it’s no joke that namjoon knows everyone that his members know but for jimin to hear joon speak about you in THIS degree offends him

because wait he’s your closest friend he should know these things

he’d like u to know that he isn’t bitter :)

and his eyes go wide at that because oH GOD WHAT DID YOU DO

everyone agrees to what namjoon said, still a bit dumb-founded as taehyung practically yanks jimin’s chair to sit closer near his and almost shoves his phone to his face

it’s you

in your pilot uniform with your luggage at tow

sunglasses at the top of your head and phone on-hand

your id still worn around your neck and

oh

jimin basically deduced all of these things with a couple swipes:

a) ok you look ethereal in those pics

b) it was supposed to be a stolen picture of this dude but you were in the background and you cOMPLETELY stole the show

c) someone zoomed in on you and edited so now basically your ethereal being got even more magnified

d) someone zoomed in on your id (he got a lil bit mad at that)

e) aha the internet loves you

f) edits and i have thirty minutes i am free this saturday retweets and digging into your images in social media EVERYTHING!!! the whole nine yards!!!!

when you woke up to that frenzy though

you literally couldn’t function for five minutes and then you started catching up and digging in on what was happening

“but i don’t look ethereal!! my skin is dry n oily at the SAME time because of cabin air and my eyes are stinging!!! i look ghastly and only a little bit fresh because of the air u get when you’re 50,000 feet up in the air!! but im-...”

oh that’s it you went viral completely on accident

you were just waiting for the free service back home your airline offers it pilots, because you brought your car to work but you were too tired to drive back home

but now you are viral in the worldwide interwebs with articles and twitter threads about you and multiple multiple DMs that make your phone freeze and

wait did your airline just email you about that :D

oh lol did beyoncé just follow you :D

basically jimin got his brothers giving him a three-minute crash course each about what happened with their managers even stepping in to gush

he basically can’t believe that he didn’t know that!! even if you didn’t mention it to him, he should’ve known because it was practically everywhere!!!!

bang si-hyuk is well-pleased and even got jimin to tell how he knew you and what you were like and he was very much :O when he got into the word that aish!!! his employee has really been living under a rock lmao

by then, the conversation about bon voyage has been slightly derailed to talk about you

who knew that jimin simply mentioning your name (lol he didn’t need to because the conversation about you was nearing anyway) would land the meeting to

“oh! actually! the airline y/n works at reached a couple of weeks ago about a proposal to get bts to star in a commercial for them!!”

and now they’re hyped because yes they endorsed clothes and food and malls and establishments but never did they endorse an AIRLINE!!! a damn airline!!!!

okay so now not only did they tackle that you would pilot for them in bon voyage

“ah! you could like also play games on the way there with y/n!!”

“wHO WILL PILOT THE PLANE THEN??? we’re gonna crash!!!”

“you’re thick, jungkook, and not in the way you think so lmao”

“maybe we could extend their vacation! shoot a skit or two with them being flight attendants for run!! one week for shooting, two weeks for resting!! two birds with one stone, really”

an airline commercial

a couple run bts! episodes

a whole season of bon voyage (with a longer production because they have longer vacation days)

more traction for them

more time than he ever wished for to be with you!! :D

soon enough the meeting is finished and it went so good that the boys were gonna be treated to a beef dinner so

everyone’s scattered and dispersed, some making small talk w him about you that makes him smile

taehyung’s lingering behind him with his hands on his back

“what is it, tae?”

the younger boy is just giggling and fiddling with his hands, a careless shrug to his shoulders

“can i have y/n’s number :D”

...

...

“aish!! if jungkook were to ask for her number, you would’ve given it to him in a heartbeat because he’s the youngest!! and-...”

“ya!! thanks for reminding hyung! jimin-hyung may i also pls have y/n’s number :D”

...

...

...

jin had to drag jimin with him bc he wasn’t done shooting the both of them glares and his cheeks were practically pink with how annoyed he was at the younger two

needless to say taehyung and jungkook didn’t have any extra portions of beef from him

he is very protective of you and even if he’s become closer with his brothers more than he’s been close with you he jUST can’t help it!!

not that he doesn’t trust them or anything

not that he doesn’t trust you either

but he doesn’t want figurative blood on his figurative ledger because he feels that it would be his responsibility if ever yOu and someone became a thing and HE was the one who inteoduced you both :(

it’s not just a him thing :( he can’t put it into words but he’s just looking out for both parties!!!

kinda figured out that taehyung may or may not have a shy little crush on you

spoiler alert: it was HUGE

for their entire dinner, every single time your name was brought up, tae instinctively has his ears perk up at the mention

simultaneously he shrinks to his seat and purses his lips and looks around to what’s being said

why are u mentioning y/n’s name?? what is happening??

and taehyung having a serious case of sweater paws doesn’t help him from jimin’s observing gaze

and yes he feels a bit sorry because taehyung kinda looks a bit upset; that little “oh :((“ on his face when jimin snapped at him so quick

he’s not gonna force him to tho,, out of respect since someone else is involved (and in this case it’s you and your number)

jimin nudges him by the shoulder to get his attention

everyone’s passed out at this point because the beef was so damn good

tae kinda looks spaced out so he turns his head immediately and he forgot for a second that he was supposed to be cold with jimin

“what?”

“..... do you still want y/n’s number?”

taehyung almost fALLS out of his chair as he nods eagerly, making jimin shake his head to himself as he hesistantly takes out his phone from his pocket

oh god jimin’s phone is on his hand now oh god that’s your picture oh god that’s your number oH-

“i’m not gonna text her tonight if that’s you’re worried about?? i mean we barely know each other!! consider me asking for her number to be used for future references only :D”

“what does future references even mean?”

...

“... luggage. i want y/n’s luggage bag.”

...

“i also want y/n’s-...”

“BUTT OUT JUNGKOOK!! BUTT !! OUT !!”

when you open up your company’s email to you, you really can’t help but to feel nervous

today was your off-day and they specifically requested that you come to the main office at 10 AM sharp

and in your off-day, you aren’t even awake at that time of the morning!!

it wss both a blessing and a curse that you slept early the night before so your body clock just went “lol u wake up early today get up at 6”

and not to mention the fact that it was the same day you learned that you went viral last night when you were peacefully asleep

so the last few hours have been WILD and it kinda put you into shock

the closest you’ve ever been to fame was having your pictures leaked with jimin when you were still kids!!

if you were lucky enough, your face would be covered by every possible animal emoji that was ever released

apart from that, it was the occassional mention of your name in stan twitter and that was it

but THIS type of fame is on a whole another level!! higher than being tagged as jimin’s best friend outside of bts!! higher than having your face covered with animal emojis

when you thought that you were gonna be fired over being viral for some reason unbeknownst —

even if you know that you haven’t violated anything and if anything, you were the one who got violated because someone uploaded a picture of you without your consent!!!

so when you learn that they aren’t mad at all and ecstatic in fact

because your airline basically got free publicity and promotion just because you looked so good in pictures that weren’t even intentional

and that there is a more than noticeable spike in the bookings of flights

and that people were cALLING to ask if you would be the one to pilot that flight

AND RIVAL AIRLINES WERE CALLING IN TO ASK WHEN YOUR CONTRACT WOULD EXPIRE

and that said rival airlines were pitching in salaries that competed with your paycheck now aND THAT THEY WERE EVEN higher

needless to say that your day was more than eventful

you don’t know how to cope up with it either so while the meeting drags on to talk about your newfound fame you’re just :O the entire time

“i believe that park jimin from bts is a close friend of yours, correct?”

wAIT what

you shouldn’t be shocked by now because practically everyone’s familiar with him and the rest of the boys

but it still takes you off-guard because as much as he is your friend

and as much you admit that you miss jimin :(

or that you haven’t talked to him as much these past few days

you genuinely don’t see the connection of why jimin would be brought up into this conversation that doesn’t involve him in the first place

there’s a self-pitying realization in between that it seems like your only determining factor these days was to be known as a best friend of a kpop idol and nothing else

:(

that’s a sad topic you’d rather not delve in at the moment

:(

“prior to you being catapulted into fame suddenly — we reached out to their company for them to become our endorsers. a commercial and a billboard and some other things.”

“and this is just the pERFECT timing because you’re famous now and people love you!!!”

this was it

the stars were aligning for you

not only do you get to hang out with jimin, but now you’re launched into much more job opportunities!!

when the meeting concluded, you narrow it down to the conclusions that:

a) you’re most likely to film a commercial and some adverts and perhaps be included in a billboard with them (their company has yet to confirm within the week but your ceo ji-eun is damn sure at this point or else she will flip

b) you’re now getting an agent :D because apparently offers have been waiting for you left and right and they already got you one before you even said “yeah sure i guess???”

c) you’re getting a RAISE

d) sooner or later you’re gonna do this photoshoot so your own company could post about you this time

e) interviews. you’re gonna be asked to chat your heart out intentionally. i n t e r v i e w s

and it’s a humbling moment for sure because it’s like 

oh. you didn’t mean for this to happen but it’s here now and you can make the most of this while it’s still here!! you get to do what you love and be with the people you love and basically get paid for it!!

oh is this what jimin feels like all the time then??

maybe you should apply as the 8th member of bts

it’s during an intentionally cold night in your apartment that your phone basically vibrates itself off the table

right when you were still in the bathroom taking your time because you were getting PR!! and the mask you just put on happens to be something you’ve been curious about but it was too expensive for you to be curious about lol

also: curiosity that leads you to buy either new skincare products or makeup are either a godsend or a godforsaken situation because 6 out of 10 times you do that, you breakout!!! 

the sound of something clattering to the ground immediately makes you scramble towards your living room, phone flipped over to see jimin up close, eyes even in a picture enough to intimidate you for not answering immediately

“Y/N!!!”

“JIMIN!!!”

the both of you put each other on speaker mode because while you didn’t want to risk ruining your mask, the rest of the boys wanna listen in

the entire phone call was so intense because even in speaker mode you were still yelling at each other

and it was spent with so much enthusiasm on trying to catch up with the past days and jimin apologizing profusely because he’s been living under a rock

“i can’t believe it!! I CAN FINALLY RIDE IN ON A FLIGHT YOU’RE GONNA PILOT”

what

wait

“... jimin what do you mean”

because as far as you knew, the airline commercial would be done with a green screen to ensure that it’s of the best quality

not a gopro type of thing because ur flight attendants would yell real-time to the camera crew and the boys when they try to do something and the seatbelt sign is still on!!!

“wait jimin i think y/n wasn’t supposed to know that yet”

you hear a voice in the background and it’s very much familiar and it’s now hitting you that there’s an audience for your entire call

“namjoon, is that you???”

“Y/N IT’S ME!!! NAMJOON!! OMG”

and then you hear this scuffle over the line and a very slight commotion

it’s jimin holding his phone away with his arm and the other fending off namjoon while hobi scrambles to steal it back

jin is helplessly saying hello to you in the background while jungkook is hopping around going all “miss y/n i am a fan of you!!!”

taehyung is going all sweater paws again while yoongi is desperately trying to shut them up because he’s still listening into yours and jimin’s conversation and he’s genuinely engrossed ok

and now everyone’s calm and collected especially since jimin gives them a death glare each and nobody admits but angry jimin scares the shit out of them

he’s back to being soft-spoken now because he realizes that he may have slipped in saying information he probably shouldn’t have yet, a sheepish scratch at the back of his head

“uhm well you see you’re gonna fly us over for bon voyage and uhm kinda stick around for some pieces here and there?? uhm that’s from what i know hehe”

right now you’re just blanking out and staring into the distance and you’ve suddenly gone awfully quiet

yoongi’s on the background like “yo i think you just broke her”

“is y/n’s cell broken? i’m gonna get her a new one”

“is she okay?? wHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HER???”

“jimin-hyung you said y/n sometimes forgets to lock her door right??”

it’s once again another frenzy and once you realize that you’ve blanked out, you immediately shush them and they miraculously do

it’s a feeling of being overwhelmed and disbelief because this is more than you’ve ever asked for

to think that just last week you were tired and was about to pull off an AWOL because your off-day couldn’t have come nearer

“i certainly didn’t know that”

and there’s a nervous chuckle and a nervous silence that encompasses and for a moment, jimin frowns because he thinks that this is all too much for you and you’re gonna turn down the offer even before it’s gonna be officially pitched to you at a meeting tomorrow (you have yet to know that there’s gonna be another meeting tomorrow)

“oh my god i get to be with the lot of you!!!”

one excited shriek from you and that’s all it takes for hell to break loose

“JIMIN I MISSED YOU SO MUCH I CAN’T WAIT TO WHACK YOUR HEAD AGAIN”

“i can fINALLY meet jin and hope!!”

“where’s namjoon?? this old lady from one of my flights own a stall at the airport and she’s afraid of riding in airplanes! and i was apparently so good and she wasn’t scared and that she waited for me outside the cockpit! she gave me a written note saying that i could come to her stall anytime and the bOOKS I’M GONNA CHOOSE WILL BE FREE OF CHARGE EVERY SINGLE TIME”

“yoongi if you’re hearing this; i heard kyle kuzma’s gonna fly first class next week and i fly that same aircraft do u want me to ask for an autograph”

“we have a boatload of dog treats we give for lil ones we have onboard so they stay behaved!! taehyung can have them for yeontan”

“tell jungkook that he can finally have my walkie-talkie he’s been bugging me about!! i have a new one anyway”

it’s official

they love you

they are practically swooning right now and are mad at jimin because wHY DIDN’T YOU LET US KNOW Y/N SOONER 

they only met you a couple times in the past and hobi and jin are jealous because atleast they got to meet you :((

and all of them are willing to take a splinter for you no doubt 

everyone goes to sleep that night all warm and fuzzy and content

not to mention taehyung being so giddy about what you said

not only did you think of him you also thought about yeontan aNd you haven’t even met the little devil yet!!

and he isn’t the only one who thinks of this but

there’s just something about you that is so warm and so genuine

like you could be as introverted as yoongi and be as much of a team player and and extrovert as taehyung is when needed be

but the point is that there’s always something about you for everyone that makes them gravitated towards you

of course jimin explains this to you and you basically shut him off

“aish don’t put me in a pedestal because i swear that i’m not that special”

“why won’t you believe me??”

“because it isn’t true now eat your cereal jimin i will pinch you thru the screen”

the meeting comes soon enough and you have to pretend that this was your first time hearing this bit of information

the pilot you were helping learn the ropes, hyunjin, will take over your normal workload for the meantime!!

in less than one week’s time, you have to pack your bags for three-ish weeks!! because as from what you can tell, things are gonna be a bit more hectic for you because you’re not only gonna fly planes

for a run episode, the boys are gonna be your flight attendants in a mock flight with the passengers as staff members

but the plane being in the air and them wearing flight attendant uniforms will be very much real

and then another episode to be squeezed in with them trying out flight simulators and quizzed with aviation facts 

and whether u did the best or the worst with the two-part episode

they’re still gonna go skydiving :)

they’re really milking out the sky motif but ok it wasn’t your show anyway and you were just gonna guest so they can go off by all means

after all that work, you’re gonna fly them off again but it’s for bon voyage this time!!

they basically res for two-ish weeks and you can tag along behind the scenes because i mean like you’re flying them home too so might as well

get some clips in between to be used for the commercial

and said commercial would be shot a few days after you all get back from said vacation!!

that’s it narrowed down and as you were taking notes, you can’t help but to feel very excited and nervous at the same time

a few days pass and it’s finally time!! yeah sure run episode but JIMIN AND THE BOYS CAN FINALLY SEE YOU NOW

you were supposed to reunite in the aircraft itself but jimin is an impatient baby which is why he’s called you insistently to say some excuse of “you have to go back to the empty boarding gate u need to meet your camera director”

lol but in truth you really don’t need to and where they are now is what you need to pass to get to said boarding gate

so when jimin sees you by the jet bridge they were all at, he sprints

like actually SPRINTS to get to you 

and he attacks you with a massive bear hug and sprinkles you with noisy cheek kisses

“Y/N *kiss* I *kiss* MISSED *kiss* YOU *kiss* SO *kiss* MUCH *kiss*”

no lie you really did miss him too

and once you get him to calm down because he was crushing your bones and you return his cheek kisses

the boys are all just looking at the scene in front of them with awe

jungkook’s looking at namjoon with his eyes saying “lol imma do that too” and namjoon’s staring back going “NO”

taehyung’s extra pouty right now

he didn’t conisder the fact that maybe you and jimin were an unspoken thing and that his crush on you is now something he shouldn’t hold onto

he got discouraged very quickly

hobi is waddling to you at full-speed and goes for a hug which is wild move for someone who he’s just met (but u don’t mind)

“you’re adorable your uniform is so cute omg”

jin goes in for a hug too and you say something along the lines of “i could see the handsomeness they were talking about” and he goes absolutely rED

he’s laughing uncontrollably like a seal 

namjoon was about to go in for a hug but then he sees your wrist and-

“iS THAT A KAWS WATCH???”

“OH MY GOD YOU NOTICED???”

“HOW COULDN’T I? THAT’S LIKE LIMITED EDITION HOW DID YOU GET IT”

“I HAVE A FRIEND THAT’S A COLLECTOR HE GIFTED IT TO ME I CAN GET YOU CONNECTED TOO”

you are now being wrapped with namjoon’s long arms 

he doesn’t seem to be letting go of you soon

yoongi just has his arms wide and his eyes in a faux irritated manner

“what are you looking at”

and then his gummy smile appears when you just cave into his hug and jin is like??? “aH! y/n’s power is unparalleled”

jungkook immediately goes in for an embrace and even twirls you around

“ooh!! you have more piercings now than the last time i saw you!”

“i can pierce ears now!!”

“jungkook can you really”

“lmao no”

and now that it seems like hugging is the new norm, and taehyung being the last in line for you to greet, that kinda burns your nerves becauseif you were to “admit, you may or may not have a little crush on taehyung ever since the first time jimin introduced the both of you to each other

so you do the sensible thing and don’t think about it

no thoughts head empty head first

“tae!!!”

“aha y/n :D”

you hug him and well

taehyung blanked at that and panicked internally

the stark difference of your enthusiasm and his timid response was cringeworthy and it makes you screw your eyes shut as you hug him

but the moment tae realizes this, he holds on as you were trying to let go of him as qUICK as possible because it was too awkward for you to bear

and a little crushing if you were being honest

taehyung now takes first place for wanting to be reincarnated as a rock in the next life

after yoongi seeing that interaction he was just like ᵒᵒᶠ

before it goes anymore awkward though and tae starts squawking, jimin thankfully whisks you away 

“you look so badass in your uniform will u let me wear it”

“let me wear your hoops and i’ll let u borrow”

“lol forget that i even asked”

no matter what, jimin doesn’t let you borrow his earrings!!

like even if the boys borrow some from him time to time

he absolutely does not let you borrow and when you ask why, he just rolls his eyes and smacks his lips and goes N-O

and then eventually he has to shoo you out because they have to film the intro at the jet bridge and you’re not supposed to be there really

jungkook excitedly squeezes you again and goes “see you later!!”

jeon jungkook knows what he’s doing

so right before the cameras start rolling, he’s just staring at the side of taehyung’s face in close proximity with a teasing smile on his face and then wiggles his eyebrows in the slightest when tae finally returns his stare with a knowing glare

“what was that awhile ago, hyung?”

“one more word out of ur mouth and i’m ratting you out to-...”

“i was just kidding hehe don’t rat me out to namjoon that i accidentally stained his precious table hehe pls”

and he blinks at that and is taken aback

because that was supposed to be an empty threat

and now that jungkook realizes he’s fallen smack-dab into the trap, he now wants to ignite himself

taehyung now has blackmail material :D

jungkook is now held captive by said blackmail material :D

they eventually get done with their intro and into the aircraft itself!! jimin is the one to introduce you and throughout the whole ordeal they’re just hyped-up bc it’s the first time they get to do this type of episode

and they’re doing it with you so that’s a plus

and they get changed into their custom flight attendant attire

snug pink get-up with a silk navy blue scarf tied around as the uniform’s collar 

and golden nameplates engraved with their names on it

and AIR BANGTAN embroidered into the breast pocket!!

they looked absolutely good

your work would be lighter if only they were your actual flight attendants

you’d work every single day

even though they could be tiresome at times bc they could be all over the place

taehyung was admittedly swooning the whole time

the production staff made you alter your speech a bit so you could insert air bangtan and introduce all seven of them individually for the skit

and then everyone’s briefed with what they have to do and how safety should be the no. 1 priority

and then it’s takeoff time!!!!

jimin is really really proud of you

he takes advantage of this as his bragging rights

“aha that’s my best friend who’s flying the plane we are in right now :)”

“lol i love y/n i was best friends with her first :)”

“best take-off ever in your life amirite :)”

“i’m friends with a pilot in case you didn’t know :) no big deal”

“technically that’s captain jimin to you too now :)”

it was a fun and a chaotic episode

a bit unsafe? yes

but then the icing at the top was taehyung swooning at everything you did and cussing at himself every time he remembers how he screwed up earlier

he is the most behaved person in this flight and he wants you to know that :((

yoongi’s mercilessly teasing him

“y/n’s gonna come out to do her landing speech soon; you should pretend reading the safety manual now”

“somebody give taehyung a barf bag and a pen he’s gonna ask for an autograph from y/n”

“ey jimin do they sell y/n’s perfume in this flight?? someone just wants to ask”

the episode wraps soon enough but not without jimin rowding everyone to CLAP FOR THE PILOT WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE MY BEST FRIEND AHA EVERYTHING WAS SO SMOOTH SO COMFY QUICK TAKE A PICTURE OF ME N MY PILOT BEST FRIEND :D

and there’s just this innate feeling everyone feels every once in a while

that everything feels so right and so complete

it’s like complete nirvana

and before you know it, bon voyage is already happening

a vacation with seven best friends (jimin insists that he has the superlative best when you’re talking about them as friends) 

(and maybe one of them you don’t see as a best friend and perhaps something more and that person really doesn’t show much enthusiasm for you as you do for him)

(it’s taehyung)

and it’s not like taehyung isn’t fond of you

in fact, he very much is!! believe him!!

it’s just that he’s paralyzed over his crush on you and the fact that he sees you often because of these circumstances and he can’t believe it

too paralyzed over the fact that he might and may have already made a fool out of himself

and that he’s afraid to make moves on you with the boys here because jESUS CHRIST

he knows he would be teased mercilessly or he would be teased mercilessly while they help him out but they would never let him live this down

and jimin

oh god jimin

because as much as jimin loves him, he knows that one wrong move on you and he knows he’s gonna yeet him to the han river

he doesn’t know either what would be jimin’s reaction if he knew of his crush on you!! will he flip? will he be happy? wILL HE FORBID HIM FROM SEEING YOU EVER AGAIN????

at times he could be very overbearing

and he admits that

but all for good cause as he tries to explain

oh and jungkook

damn jungkook

he’s caught on pretty quickly about tae’s crush on you

and kook likes you but not in the way tae likes you

it’s just a fuzzy, warm, and platonic type of like like what the other boys have for you

but with fLIRTINESS

jimin’s the same but it was natural since you’ve been friends for absolutely ages

jungkook’s however was very fresh and very aBRUPT

it’s him trying to get a rise from taehyung and urging him to just make a damn move on you

he hopes that his flirtiness with you would just intimidate his hyung to the point that “open your eyes!!! oh what am i doing?? don’t you feel that i’m trying to steal y/n away from you?? MAKE A MOVE!!” gets across

taehyung has yet to realize that though

bon voyage doesn’t really include you (as you also try to remove yourself out of the picture as much as possible)

the cameras aren’t always turned on and not all hours of the day are spent on filming

so they can still get to do things and activities without staff members flooding the house!!

the house you’re all staying at is a gigantic one

so it got divided into two wings and you can even close it off!!

one wing solely for the boys and the other for you and the production staff

you were at their wing more often than you are in yours though

and during these past few days that turned into weeks, you’ve been closer to them more than you could imagine

they were easy to get around with!! them knowing that jimin knows you is a plus factor if you think about it

and even if not for that fact, they still think not much would’ve changed in your present friendship dynamic right now

it was comforting to be with them, really

the other way around!!

and you could also hang out with them either individually or as a group and it wouldn’t be awkward!!

.. taehyung may or may not be a slight issue though

you honestly think that he hates you :(

and you’re trying to backtrack your actions to see if you may have done something to him

you always try to keep up with his energy

jungkook was fooling around with a drone and trying to experiment flying it

and then he suddenly had this idea of “tae do you think you could outrun my drone”

and kook’s whipping his head around for you as if in a silent question to ask “wait is that possible”

and you’re just over there narrowing your eyes like “jungkook just because i’m a pilot,,,,, it doesn’t mean i know every flying object in the air and how to operate it,,,,,”

...

“but y/n can you outrun my drone tho”

it’s the sudden challenge that takes you aback and makes your eyebrow raise

and then it’s become a cHALLENGE

taehyung’s competitiveness making him forget that you’re even there and that he’s not acting all conscious

so it’s literally all fun and laughter

and the both of you may or may not be so caught up into this stupid challenge you stupidly both participated to

you’re not even sure if there was a rEWARD for this

so stupidly caught up to the point that jungkook’s already led the both of you to the beach that you were overlooking from the house you all stayed at

(jungkook’s running with the drone and that completely destroys the purpose of the drone but he’s having fun too ok)

before you knew it, both you and tae are crashing full-speed into the beach and it takes a collective second for you to realize that you both were indeed wet when you’re hip-deep into the water

and it sends another burst of laughter and you’re just looking at him helplessly and out of breath

“oh my god i didn’t even-...”

it hits taehyung now that he’s having full-on eye contact with you on what the fuck is he doing

he just immediately tenses and all the alarms in his head are going off

‘hahahaha yes :)”

and there it is again

that noticeable shift in the air that makes your mouth dry at what could you have possibly done

he’s quick on walking himself out of the water, quite literally leaving you there

jungkook’s by the shoreline laughing himself to death and sees taehyung waddling himself out

“hYUNG OMG YOU DIDN’T EVEN-...”

ok what was that

what the fuck was that

he only gets a blank laugh in return and it’s a dampener for his mood right now

and it only sinks in now that why is taehyung returning by himself

“y/n did you drown????”

no you didn’t drown

but the idea did seem enticing because you felt so embarrassed and down with what just happened

so right now jungkook just has his arm around your shoulders as he’s trying to figure everything out

“did i -- did i do something wrong?”

and even if the context isn’t clear. he immediately says no

the both of you are just walking back to the house while the sun sets and he still isn’t sure of what happened but he knows that it’s enough to make you sad and most probably has something to do with taehyung

he just wants to cheer you up :(

so mid-way he kinda picks you up wordlessly and you don’t fight him about it

you’re completely drained of your energy both physically and emotionally

you melt into jungkook’s grasp on you as your way of thanks and he acknowledges it with a squeeze on your arm

by the time you get back, everyone’s just doing their own thing because it’s nearing dinner

kook kinda plops you into the couch yoongi’s sitting on

his eyes question that something’s kinda off but he doesn’t question it

and you just crawl the short distance so that you’re laying on his lap and be sad in peace there

all he does it just past your head once and that’s it

and he’s just watching a replay of a basketall game because he hasn’t had time to catch up with those championship games (even if he knows who won and who lost)

and out of the blue yoongi just hears you softly pipe in

“my ex is a professional basketball player”

“wHO’S YOUR EX WHAT KIND OF PROFESSIONAL ARE-...”

and you shush him bc you don’t want anybody else to know

“omg jimin doesn’t know this?? and i’m like the first one to know?”

“yes”

oh and he kinda huddles because after all, this is a secret and it does have something to do with basketball

“professional as in he played in this show you’re watching rn”

“is he in this game????”

“lol no from what i know, he got injured even before championship but yeah his team’s playing right now”

“what’s his name???”

“theo. i call him theo”

and then that name sounds awfully familiar and he’s specifically requesting to see what he looked like and even tries to get hobi to look for your phone

but your pictures with him are all deleted now so you just make yoongi search up his name and he’s like :O

“....... why did you break up then..,,.,”

and then you just gently explain that it was a mutual decision and that both your jobs were demanding

so yeah it was impossible to happen

and yoongi forgot that fifteen minutes ago, jungkook just plopped you here because you wanted to lie down and were too sad to function

and he made you retell what happened to you and your ex that only he knows about

so he feels a little guilty

“you don’t have to speak if you don’t want to :(”

and you just wave him off that catches him off-guard

“nah it’s all okay :)”

man were u selfless

yoongi now loves you more

jin and namjoon finish dinner soon enough and everybody goes down to eat

even taehyung who’s with jimin

and it doesn’t even look like something’s wrong

but jimin’s counting all the heads in the room and was like ‘wAit where’s y/n???”

he sees you getting yourself out from lying in yoongi’s lap and he’s there with you in a heartbeat cooing at you

“y/n baby what happened”

and you’re back to lying down again but this time it’s jimin pushing you to lie on his shoulder as he’s stroking your hair

you said “nothing”, you know...,,., like a liar

jimin throws yoongi a questioning look and the older boy just shrugs his shoulders because he doesn’t know either

taehyung’s abandoned at the edge of the stairs

and you were about to scoff but that obviously doesn’t hurt as much when he abandoned you hip-deep into the water

“mhmmm i see :D”

jimin most definitely knows you’re lying but he doesn’t want to prod into it because it’s obvious that you weren’t in the mood to be questioned

at this point he’s just trying to cheer you up but in the same time give you sustenance

he’s literally feeding you right now

jin cooked up a lot of box mac n’ cheese (he transferred it into actual bowls) from the conveniece store and you know what

he wanted to try it out

it is not the healthiest thing in the world but atleast it’s somehow foreign right???? 

as much as jimin loves you, he does want to eat though

so he asked jungkook to get him a big-ass bowl with a portion big enough for the both of you and he did just that 

but you aren’t that much cooperative because you’re not eating that much and jimin is really really enticed with the smell of the food rn and jungkook senses that

“i’ll feed her, hyung!! go get another spoon for you or something”

he is really thankful for that so he just pushes the bowl to kook and scrambles for a utensil and perhaps even his own bowl

jungkook’s feeding you now and without jimin sending you a questioning glance every two seconds, you’re more cooperative 

taehyung is sitting by the far corner of the couch parallel to yours and he is CLENCHING

and he’s groaning to his mac n’ cheese and namjoon is ??? why are you like this ???

“good. it tastes so good.”

he nods but he’s still sending tae a questioning look

you eventually gained the appetite to eat

but jungkook was in charge of the dishes tonight and he doesn’t want to wash one more spoon so he insisted that you just share one instead

taehyung is gonna COMBUST

he is now practically yelling into his mac n’ cheese

everyone is now ??? at him and he makes a show of just shoving the bits of pasta to his mouth

“jin-hyung :) namhoon-hyung :) this is so delicious :) how did you do this :)”

“...... taehyung that’s instant,,,, boiled water and the cheese powder...,.,”

“aHA so that’s why :)”

his actions are v fishy and v funny 

but deep down he is boiling angry and frustrated both at himself and a jungkook

kook is giggling to the bowl right now that you had to pry it away from him

you’re not even LOOKING at taehyung’s direction

usually you did

but your will to treat him like how he treats you is stronger

that’s it that’s gonna be the rest of the trip

if there’s any personality trait you’re gonna pick up from jimin from having been his friend for so long

it would be the stubbornness

you avoid taehyung like the flu

AND HE NOTICES THAT

AND THE BOYS ARE STARTING TO NOTICE IT TOO

jimin is the one most on-guard about that 

and he is whispering to everyone except taehyung 

“if you see something that relates to y/n and taehyung tell me ok tELL ME!!!”

and even tae feels sad about it to the point that he’s trying to make a conscious effort in making conversation with you

when you’re on the floor with your laptop turned on and they’re surrounding you trying to help you out with your emails

emails that don’t relate to aviation work and more-on to the viral side of things such as designer !!! brands !!! reaching out to you personally instead of your agent!!!

“mhmm they have really good shoes. what’s your favorite color anyway?”

and he says that in the midst of voices overlapping bUt the boys realized that taehyung gave input into the conversation and wAS LIKe wait wait tae’s speaking shut up shut up

but jimin answers for you in a heartbeat and hobi pinches his arm and he was laughing suddenly

he’s looking around trying to say something with eyes

“lol i’m sorry did i ruin his move on y/n”

and his subconscious-

“WAIT WHAT TAEHYUNG IS MAKING MOVES ON Y/N???”

it takes all four of his hyungs to plead him to shut up with their glares and don’t make this anymore awkward as tae wants to be swallowed wholly by the ground

your resolute will doesn’t crumble until jimin makes it his ultimate mission to find a drink that’s gonna sink you

because your alcohol tolerance was brought up again when they were talking about buying drinks

and jimin tells the story of how you outdrank him one night and didn’t wake up with a deadlier hangover than he did aNd he was still curious to how you did it

you don’t know either but you’re as interested as them in finding a drink that’s gonna sink you

hobi’s random pick in the grocery store did JUST that

you finally sunk

you finally got as drunk as jimin’s level

as in a shit-faced type and not just a happy buzz you usually felt

you and jin have been laughing without end for five minutes now

no one even joked

you just made eye contact with each other and you both immediately started to wheeze 

he was starting to get so red he looked borderline pURPLE if you were still seeing clearly

yoongi was laughing by seeing the two of you laugh because it was starting to get contagious at the point 

by now namjoon’s back was being slapped carelessly by yoongi who’s pleased with himself

taehyung has a grin on his face because you were so adorable

as if his cheeks weren’t warm enough just by seeing you so happy and bubbly

and the heat in his chest isn’t just because of the alcohol nor the warmth his sweater provided

maybe this isn’t a little crush anymore :((

while he’s ignoring that possibility, everyone else is considering it

everyone besides you :((

jimin’s on his feet at the moment because oh my god it’s happening!!!

good news because you’re drunk out of your mind

and bad news that you’re drunk out of your mind

so he’s tending to you with a glass of water and you won’t drink it

he’s trying harder this time by putting the glass to your lips but you were flailing around so much by laughing that it spilled some to you and jimin himself

he’s now looking for a straw

this one’s for boba but he has to settle for this now

and he’s trying to coax you into drinking it

hE’S EVEN USING A VOICE HE USES FOR BABIES

“but water tastes like nothing :((”

“which is exactly what you need”

“but i want it to taste like something”

he’s about to groan but then he sees your eyes glossing 

and oh god did he hear a whimper

“y/N BABY DON’T CRY OK OK WHAT DO YOU WANT????”

he’s now looking for an ice cold chocolate drink that isn’t overly sweet

namjoon has made it his personal decision to follow jimin around

and with his twofold clumsiness at this state, yoongi follows him but not without holding on to the back of jooni’s shirt so he could be slid around

jin stands up and follows them but he’s not sure why

“why are you all -- this is NOT a conga line!!!”

hobi’s staring into the distance turned into snoring

taehyung isn’t all that drunk

but you, on the other hand, are very much drunk

tae’s not sure to why you’re approaching him

maybe it’s because the hoodie he’s wearing now is jungkook’s

maybe it’s because jimin’s scent is on his hair from having borrowed his shampoo

maybe it’s because you’re drunk and your first thought is him even if drunk

but all his thoughts fly out the door when you’re squeezing yourself into the couch he’s lying on at the very moment

one that’s too small for the two of you and that he had to grab you split-second because you were about to fall out of the couch so hard if not for his strong grip that holds you

“y/n.”

taehyung’s not sure either to what his tone contained

whether it was for warning or for reprimanding, literally all his thoughts are crushed once again the moment you speak

“you’re voice is very deep.”

he’s not sure if you know this either but you were unconsciously cuddling up to his side, filling in the gap at the couch that just made you barely fit

you’re

cuddling

him

“a-and it’s very calming.”

he’s not sure to why but the moment you put your hand on his chest because you were basically almost lying on top of him

his first instinct was to put his hand on the small of your back

and the moment and the feelings were so warm that fuck this isn’t the alcohol anymore

nor the sweater

so warm to the point that the both of you don’t notice jimin’s :O and everyone else’s :D

because the make-shift conga line has arrived right in front of where you are and hobi just woke up

and right when everything feels surreal 

taehyung watches a split-second decision happen right in your eyes

you just kissed the tip of his nose

:’)

taehyung thinks he’s gonna ascend to heaven

it’s the softest moment ever because you pull away trying to gauge his reaction

he’s all red with his bottom lip in between his teeth and oh my god his eyes are so expressive

jimin steps in tho

and he clears his throat and taehyung iS SUDDENLY BACK TO EARTH

oh my god oh my god that just happened oh my god

this is a bit more scary and intimidating now

because jimin doesn’t look neither thrilled nor angry

he looks neutral

neutral blank-faced on the verge of who knows what jimin is the most frightening jimin

“hey baby here’s your chocolate drink you asked for :)”

and with just a head rub you immediately come to your senses and are already making grabby hands to the cold mug (with a straw!!) and you’re scrambling to stand up and jimin’s helping you to stay stable because you’re attached to him now

taehyung is now looking at his hands as if they were the most entertaining things in the world “wow look at my rings i have never seen them before so shiny so silver”

and he knows jimin can see right through him

jimin has the tiniest hands out of all of them while he has the largest

and u know what

he could be still strangled with those same hands 

and u know what too

maybe he’ll accept that wrath because he kinda deserves it  

he’s sent a brief look that’s enough to let him know that the both of them will talk

that taehyung shouldn’t leave this couch

nor leave this house

nor this country

you know what maybe tae better start timing his record on how long he can go without breathing

he can do that for a minute and a half underwater

soon enough jimin finally tucks you in with not much protest

much force from him tho but much more apologies and coos when he apologizes and you do as asked

got to make u brush your teeth and change into a fresh set of pajamas

he has to trick you into “seokjin would be mad at u when he learns that you went to sleep with dirty clothes on”

and him being the good friend that he is

since he also achieved of getting to sink you with a drink

he’s gonna go the extra mile

went so far as to wipe you with a wet towel and dry you off since you didn’t want to shower and he’s afraid ur probably gonna fall asleep not even midway

he even does your skincare routine for you

you kept giggling when he was patting your face so he did it more but now you were in the verge of tearing because in your drunk state you tHOught he was slapping you over and over again with both palms at the same time

and after all that

jimin finally gets around with taehyung on the couch and the younger boy just immediately straightens his posture

...

“...,.,., so you and y/n.,.”

there are literally no words in his mouth

“aha yes me and y/n :D”

and it’s a habit of tae’s to be incoherent whenever he’s flustered

that kinda doesn’t help his case because jimin needs ALL of his brainpower and coherence

“what are your intentions?”

“uhm i uhm aha :D great pilot. no jet lag.”

he’s nodding even there isn’t something to nod at

god he didn’t even drink much but he feels just as floaty and as spent

“calm down, taehyung.”

he SOBERS at that

jimin even pats at his knee to try and ground him

“y-you’re not mad at me??”

“lol i kinda am to be honest”

:(

“but i’m only mad because you treated her from the start as if you didn’t like her!!”

“but hyung you knOw it’s hard and -- wait was it really obvious??”

“there’s a difference between being shy AND being an insensitive ass that leaves the room whenever she enters!!!”

“but-...”

“and i know that people cope with things differently but your mechanism with your little crush on y/n was just kinda off for her, y’know? like this is the time she genuinely gets to know you and not just a five-second introduction by me!! and it’s just kinda a ballsy move because she just got to know you in this level and you’re acting like an ass and she doesn’t know why!!”

“ok but-...”

“and ok the boys and i aren’t mad that you kept from us because it was pretty obvious but i mEAN like you could have just went to us, ya know?? even if some would give poor advice, it’s the thought that counts!!”

“jimin-...”

“oH also what if y/n fell for jungkook instead of you, huh??? he has balls and he doesn’t even like her in that way!!”

this effectively shuts tae up because he hasn’t really considered that possibility

and it’s a dunk at sobering reality that each one of these days he let pass could have been the moment but it was just him hindering himself

because he is a shy boi for you and the crippling fear of rejection just always paralyzes him

aND NOW THAT TONIGHT HAPPENED!!!

with his nose still tingling and his cheeks still flushed because of that kiss

with somehow permission from jimin

with you in the picture now and everything in place

taehyung really can’t help but pout adorably and cry up tears of happiness a bit

jimin hugs him for that with a pat on his back

they both know though that even without any verbal warning that jimin will give taehyung hell if ever he breaks your heart

tae kinda pales at the realization because it may be a conflict of interest

and jimin would be like

lol :) why would you be afraid of me when you have no intention of hurting her :) 

tae SWEARS he could hear jimin in his head and he was about to reply but he realizes that he’s just a little bit worried and much more overwhelmed

needless to say that things really did do change overnight

you were trashed yet thankful that you remembered most of how the night went including that bit in which you were drunkenly topping and cuddling taehyung then pressing a soft little kiss to the tip of his nose

you could still hear your internal monlogue of “boop :D” when you kissed him

you’re woken up by the boys (yoongi included because it turned out you slept in for much longer) since today was a no-film day and they basically get to do anything in this vacation without it being documented and such

it was just a never-ending warm feeling with tae

throughout the whole day he was just grinning at you and maintaining eye contact and at times when you’re not even doing anything

(he’s glued to your side much to the grumpiness of jimin)

it was a slow burn at most

bumping shoulders and squeezing of wrists 

having his hand casually on the small of your back and around your shoulders

taehyung scrunching his nose SO MUCH

hobi is genuinely concerned

“tae do u have a cold??”

yoongi is fucking relentless

“what? what? what did the good boy smell???”

seokjin keeps pursing his lips intentionally after trying to gain tae’s attention and he = would shrug his shoulders excessively

“i saw that u little punk i SAW that”

namjoon would be on tune with how yoongi just won’t stop

“tie that bandana around your neck instead and sTOP sniffling”

jungkook would roll his eyes and scoff playfully whenever taehyung would glance at him

“do i need to kiss y/n so you’d be jealous enough to do so??”

jimin would be the mediator with all the teases but that doesn’t exactly mean he’s on tae’s side either bc the one time taehyung bragged that jimin was protecting him, he got whacked on the side of the head

“lol no this isn’t for u taehyung,, i’m just doing this because y/n’s cheeks are so hot and they’re burning a hole on my shoulder”

as much as your relationship was slowly but surely blossoming with taehyung

it happened for the boys as well!! even with jimin who you didn’t even think was possible to get closer to

bonding with jin was spontaneity and strict adherance to plans combined

“jin do u know milktpapi on twitter”

“bubble would have been a better name for that puppy”

following twitter recipes that are fast-paced and a little vague became a big hit for the both of you

he went on a watching binge one night and the morning after there were just paper bags on the counter of ingredients upon ingredients that he so sweetly asked the staff to get for him

DC CUPCAKES!!!!!!!

he liked that there has to be some type of drama between those two sisters

jin would just be ranting to you with no end

“they were on CONEy island,,, C O N E ,,,, and she made cupcakes in cONES but they still chose the sister who thought hAMBURGERS,,, in C O N E y island,,,, was a good idea!!!”

another inside game was to guess the personification of inanimate things but to food

“what must sadness taste like”

jin and you and the never-ending bickering between the two of you almost always fills in as white noise

yoongi and you are rather a quite dynamic duo

and as hobi explains that you could just really really catch on with his tempo

like at times they would just catch the two of you lying on the same couch but at the opposite ends with your feet meeting in the middle

awake and in complete silence

jungkook has his eyes squinted

“why are you texting each other????”

and it has him genuinely baffled but he’s just answered with a grumble and he CAN’T tell whether it’s from you or yoongi

just like with jin, there’s also a food approach

“that dumpling kinda looks like namjoon”

“i was JUST about to say that”

it wasn’t a showy type of friendship with yoongi; rather a more silent concern type of thing and the occasional hug

love language with him seems to be the both of you having a drum-off because he has a nervous habit of tapping his fingers

and he’s v thankful because oh :) you’ve just distracted me from that thing i was nervous about :)

also likes snoozing off so whenever you can, you squeeze in a pillow when his neck’s in an awkward position and when he wakes up and realizes he’s just like :) gummy smile :)

hobi is a force to be reckoned with

asking “hey r u ok” out of the blue even if you weren’t particularly sure how the other one felt and sometimes one of your heads would just whip and go “you noticed???? :(”

hanging with him whenever he scrolls at his phone and online shops

the only difference is that he buys what he wants

“you’re telling me that we scrolled for like an hour and you’re not buying any of the things you saw????”

and you just pass it off every time because although a pilot’s wage is above average salary, your future and earning isn’t as sECURED and SOLID as his was

that doesn’t stop him peeking at your cart when you aren’t looking and adding it to his and perhaps checking out :) i mean it’s definitely not from him when you see some parcels in your doorstep by the time you get home :) not from him :)

it’s become a constant thing to link your arms together!!!

even if you’re not necessarily walking, it is essential to link arms with you as he argues

one time jimin tried getting in between your linked arms with hobi bc he wanted to join

hobi IMMEDIATELY glares at him and jimin backed off like sheesh ok but u don’t get to do the things i do with y/n either

writing on each other’s forearms is a thing too

sometimes it’s to conversate when you’re not in the mood to talk verbally

sometimes it’s just about talking shit but don’t tell jin he has his coat on backwards he looks laughable

“can u choreograph something for twinkle twinkle little star”

“y/n i-...”

nAMJOON however feels like he should’ve met you earlier like WAY WAY EARLIER

he gets on with you so well and sometimes he just sulks to jimin

“why didn’t you introduce y/n earlier to me god what was life like before y/n”

brain talk is more prevalent than ever because there are thoughts that delve deep into your mind that sometimes only namjoon could get

noah fence but if you were to rant about this to jimin, he would just drone off and grumble and he’d turn to sleeping because he just can’t help it

movie symbolisms????? count that to him and jungkook

after watching parasite for the nth time, you’re sure all three of you had all bases covered but nO it was somehow bottomless

“isn’t it ironic and somehow oxymoronic that...”

he is eternally grateful for you because one night the boys wanted to have a seafood night and u may or may not have had some recipes sent in your airline gc with how your airplane food was made

(surprisingly it didn’t suck)

and you considered him since he hates it and you know what,, he gets something else cooked for him

god namjoon gets why taehyung is smitten with you

also joonie is a bit oblivious to this fact but the other boys notice that you always bring him back a trinket of some sort

you noticed (and jimin might have pointed out one time) that he tended to fiddle with things and do small tasks whenever he was ticked off or stressed out

you keep note that you should gift him one of those fun kiddie entertainment packs when you’re back to regular programming as a pilot

it’s also a constant thing for you to bury your head to his chest

for no reason at all

it’s really comforting to say the least

he could be preparing breakfast and you’re just trudging down the stairs still not fully awake

“hey. i’m making-...”

boop

“oh ok jus hang there if you want but u might get burnt by the pan but it’s ok it’s ur call”

jimin has become even much more of a precious being

gets in your nerves a bit more often than the last time but it’s normal at this point

head rubs that lull you to sleep are the best :((

taehyung sometimes looks to his hands because jimin got you to sleep instantly and he pouts

“how do you do that?? i wanna do that too pls”

jimin’s voice feels like a warm weighted comforter,, that you gotta admit

“your voice is very velvet-y and it’s unfair because i can’t stay mad at you”

“𝓲 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀“

you still make an awed face whenever jimin cracks his bones

you’re in the middle of being fond and being disgusted at the sound so it’s still a 50/50 whether you grimace or gasp at him

“can i pls borrow your hoops”

“you could ask a million times and i would still say no”

playing with his rings whenever you’re sad is a habit you would never grow out of

which is why you were attached to him by the hip,,, or rather hands ,,, when taehyung was in the verge of being an ass to you

jungkook is something ELSE

if you aren’t lingering around jimin or taehyung, you would definitely be around him

taehyung is most jealous with the two of you but no he didn’t say that :)

annoying each other is the no. 1 task 

but lately annoying feels like second nature now so it doesn’t seem like tradition anymore

you would be his audience whenever he’s drawing because you’re genuinely enthrilled with him and his work

“how are you so good at this”

you’re almost always trying to copy what he draws

“what were you attempting with this”

“i was attempting your drawing”

“lmao are you sure with that???”

jungkook likes playing with you by pretending that he’s annoyed

but when he sees that u made his art your lockscreen, he was so awed that he was literally about to BAWL

he pretends not to notice when you push your food to his plate because you either aren’t too keen with the dish or you’re just too full

when jimin calls you out for “y/n why are you putting ur food on jungkook’s plate” and jungkook with “and jungkook why are you accepting it”

kook just shrugs and comes to defend you

“nope i didn’t see anything hyung :D”

if you liked shoving your head to namjoon’s chest, you liked leaning on jungkook’s shoulder

seokjin looks most offended 

“not even half of me y/n not even H A L F of me”

this really warms taehyung’s heart

because not only are you close to him but also with his brothers!!

even if he wants to deck jungkook sometimes

and that he may need to work on his jealousy

but none of those things matter because he’s given the assurance that you’re exclusive

that he may be yours and you may be his 

as cheesy as that sounded

taehyung’s working on a plan to properly ask you out once bon voyage ends and not just steal cheek kisses from time to time

or hold your hand and avoid your gaze because he too will surely combust

or hug you from behind tenderly 

much to the teasing and the hoots of the boys

and jimin’s occasional scowls but that’s ok he’s moving on and slowly starting to accept the fact that he can’t be overbearing this much anymore

bon voyage wraps soon enough

and truth be told you didn’t want it to end because you were in such bliss!!

it was a very memorable trip that you now carry close to your heart

and the fact that they still have a commercial to be filmed with you and some billboards to be shot makes you very :D

since the commercial was to be filmed tomorrow and you lived close to the airport, jimin initiated the idea of “hey what about if we just sleep over at y/n’s place??” which was very applauded

taehyung squeals the loudest when the idea was pitched in

“lol no you don’t get to sleep in the same bed as y/n”

namjoon shoots jimin a look that he was being overbearing again

“or you could just let her decide :)”

it’s only been four days since they last saw you but needless to say that it was borderline chaos when they met you at your apartment that was more on the spacious side

“y/n’s uncle kinda owns the building” jimin explains at first because the building did look more lavish than the average complex

“d-do i get to meet y/n’s uncle??” 

taehyung is a bit nervous because he didn’t know that fact obviously and now he’s meeting the family and he is unprepared jesus christ and-

“no he probably won’t like you”

“jimin sTOP making taehyung nervous because he’s gonna start sniffling again”

the lot of them get to your apartment before you because your flight got delayed and therefore jimin just had to whip out his key you gave him as an extra

he does it fast enough before taehyung takes a deep dive to how he doesn’t have an extra key from you or something like that 

jimin does feel like he’s being a bit hard on tae so he lays off of it for now

taehyung has the ultimate heart eyes for you the moment you come home

“i missed you” in the most adorable and heartwarming tone

and there it was again

a cheek kiss and not just a quick peck!!

a tight hug to your waist and a nuzzle against your hairline!!

MUCH WARMTH AND FUZZINESS

once jimin finally got to pry taehyung off of you because he claims that he’s hogging you all to himself, you’re met with very eager hugs and greetings

seokjin and basically everyone else are still in awe seeing you in your uniform so he squeezes in a quick pic in his phone 

you sent him a look and when you peered in, the picture turned out really cool with the nice lighting your apartment had

AND he’s really pushing it that it was good because of the app he downloaded that made pictures have a vintage film cam aesthetic to it

so you yielded and just told him to send the picture to you later 

aha ego boost :D

they insisted on cooking dinner since you did look a bit exhausted from your round of flights even if it was routine at this point (the highlight was when some people recognized you from the pics that went viral and asked to take a pic with you when you were greeting them out!!)

“are you really sure you’re gonna cook dinner, tae? i could always order-...”

“you don’t need to!! i wanna cook for you anyway!!”

that was heartwarming more than usual

jungkook clears his throat

“....,., and us”

“aha yes of course i meant for you and the boys as well :D”

you go to change clothes more than enthusiastically now

because things just seemed to be good with no complications at all

the idea of domesticity with taehyung makes you iMPLODE just by thinking about it

the thought was too soft and too fuzzy that you’ve become energized

maybe reading a couple of emails before taking a shower and cleaning up and getting yourself to look a bit more presentable isn’t a bad thing

it isn’t anything but sheer giddiness when you check your inbox and see an edited version of a run bts ep from a staff member you befriended during bon voyage!!!

you kinda get now what jimin was saying that you had the ability to have people wrapped around your finger

maybe it’s charisma you picked up from wanting to please people just so you could have extra credit???

anyways

it’s a run bts ep you get one of the first dibs on to watch so that’s always a reward

basically the context for it was that it was a hot tub confessions type of thing!! the twist was that they had to speak their heart out (their dislike is very much encouraged) over a certain someone bUT they had to rely on their ~telepathy because names wouldn’t drop

and it was a random selection to who would start the confession first and the others had to go with the flow and basically hope that they’re talking smack about the same person lol

only the name blank would be used and it for the pronoun!!

you were already making assumptions to who it would be about

it could be about jungkook because throughout the whole trip, he would literally gasp out of the blue and take the others in shock like seagulls going WHAT WHAT WHAT IS IT WHAT WHAT

or maybe jimin because he’s a lil shit and would pull chairs and that hobi fell victim and was so annoyed because he fell on his ass so hard 

last prospect was seokjin simply because,, as jungkook emphasized throughout this whole trip,, “ʲᶦⁿ⁻ʰʸᵘⁿᵍ ᶦˢ ˢᵒ ᵒˡᵈ ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ” just because he complained about his lower back one time

speaking of jin, he gets chosen to open the game!!

and he buffers for a moment that gets another tease from jungkook 

“ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ ʲᶦⁿ⁻ʰʸᵘⁿᵍ'ˢ ᵐᵉᵐᵒʳʸ ᶦˢⁿ'ᵗ ᵍᵒᵒᵈ ᵃⁿʸᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵍᶦᵛᵉ ʰᶦᵐ ʰᶦˢ ᵐᶦˡᵏ“

“blank bought me an actual film camera!! bit more complicated than taehyung’s!! keeps telling me every five seconds about my settings and i!! i KNOW HOW TO WORK IT THANK U VERY MUCH!!”

although jin is a bit guilty about that because he admits that he has a more-than-sure feeling that most of his pics may or may not be either over-exposed or too dark

this reminds you of that time you bought a film camera for jin on a whim because it was on sale and you were talking about it the night before

lol what a coincidence

hobi takes second call

he is only about a quarter-percent sure to who jin was pertaining to so he trails around for a bit

“blank is like a broken kitchen timer”

he plays it safe with that one 

although there is some sort of edge with his bluntness because everyone might be a little drunk hehe 

“blank looks at things as if it was born yesterday!! literally goes :O”

even goes so far to imitate said expression and it makes everyone gIGGLE

yoongi snorts with that and now he’s a bit more feisty since he’s tipsy

“it joins me in my silence”

wait

“texts me even if i’m in the same room like wtf i can see you”

wait

hold on

“likes hUGGING ME TOO MUCH”

you really didn’t like making things about you because other people doing that makes you tick

but there’s this unsteady feeling in your gut

something that makes you think deep in thought and in doubt

jimin was next to speak so that calms your nerves

he would never, right??

maybe you’re just taking things to heart!! the boys really aren’t talking smack about you, right??

your breath is just held because jimin was surely taking his time in making a show with inhaling so deeply so he could yell a bit more dramatically

“DOES IT NOT HAVE ITS OWN CLOTHES????”

oh

your eyes flicker for a moment to the sweater that’s by your dresser

something of jimin’s that you forgot to return

oh.

“needier and whinier than jungkook”

it was the youngest’s turn to cackle

and at this point you’re only half-listening

you’re a bit too preoccupied with the hurt blooming in your chest

“i!! am!! not!! a!! baby!!”

jungkook’s meltdown makes everyone else laugh because right now he had his fists clenched and his face looking like a baby’s

“blank always wants to be included it’s not funny anymore”

there was just a little bit more hope lingering that this may no be about you at all

but god it was getting too specific 

too specific when it came to namjoon who was a bit more eloquent in speaking and wanting to get his point across

“.... trying to memorize my rap in UGH! .....”

fuck this really is about you

and it’s not just sadness that’s overtaking you

makes you more than deflated than you thought you could ever be

“at this point i sometimes avoid her”

and god there’s this more than familiar laugh that fills your ears through and through

“lol namjoon where do you hide?? i hide in the pantry”

taehyung even?

at this point you can’t even bear watching the video anymore

willing your laptop closed so forcefully that it bOUNCED back open but you can’t even begin to worry that you might have put a crack on the screen

shoving it to your desk with the screen facing anywehere instead of you being the best option

the hurt is painfully fresh and oddly felt so surreal

god were you really that intolerable?

you didn’t know how to cope with what you’ve just heard nor experienced

but the only thing you were sure about is that your situation has just been too good

perhaps this was the complication you were looking for because you weren’t used to things being so good

and you know for sure that this feeling isn’t good at all

and you hated it

at this point you’re just trying to go about your previous plans of showering and cleaning up but the eagerness isn’t there anymore

nor is the eagerness to see the boys

nor is the eagerness to see taehyung

didn’t even notice that you were taking up much time that jimin was at your door knocking, voice gentle and inquiring

“y/n did you fall asleep??”

you’re very much tempted to not go out at all because you lost your appetite for eating too

very much so that you make no move at all and actually think that jimin’s given up on knocking at your locked door

but then your phone rings and he knows for sure that you haven’t gone to sleep because it would’ve been put on silent

“are you hiding???”

you pretty much are and you don’t wanna go out at all

but you basically had no choice to

it was a pressure to wipe at stray tears and say “i’m coming” in an unwavering voice and even more-so pretend that nothing’s wrong at all

or the fact that everyone’s eyes are on you and jimin’s prodding makes everyone else wonder

“are you crying??”

the question doesn’t faze you but it does take you by surprise now that you aren’t comfortable with the situation nor the new attention

taehyung’s getting worried because now he notices the redness in your eyes and the bit of puffiness in your lips

“just sleepy. my eyes tear up when i’m sleepy, right?” you’re using jimin’s knowledge about you against him and he agrees to that almost instantly

can’t help thinking that something was fishy though

you weren’t telling him off when he was bickering to taehyung that he shouldn’t sit next to you for dinner

didn’t react either when tae let off a little victory giggle and grinned when he sat next to you not one bit of acknowledgement when a replay of cake boss was on your tv with jin’s eyes flickering over to you repeatedly but he doesn’t receive an excited glance back

even yoongi found you oddly too quiet and he was tempted to pull out his phone to text you

it’s weirdly off

there’s something missing

namjoon was starting to get worried because you aren’t really engaged in this conversation with a topic he’s direly interested about

“and something done to that degree would just be far too suspicious, right?”

“mhmm yeah”

:(

even jungkook who’s kinda throwing himself at you and you’re just barely responding

he’s wriggling himself to fit by your side and just curl up and when he looks at you expectantly to do something, he just gets a pat on the head

a pat??????

hobi’s being over the top with his reactions right now to try and gauge a reaction from you but to no avail at all

normally he would’ve made you laugh or atleast smile at this point

but there’s nothing

just nothing

taehyung gets you alone on the couch because everyone else was just dispersed at this point and are bumping into each other asking if they knew what happened to you

jimin himself is pressured because he prides himself in being your closest friend aND HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU

tae is a lil bit more confident that he could coax out to why you were acting so differently

even gets far as to hold your hand and nuzzle his face to the crook of your neck

“everything okay, baby?”

god and he’s only called you baby only for a handful of times

“yeah”

that didn’t hurt taehyung’s ego

not at all

or make him overthink to why you’re not all that willing to open up to him nor even look interested in this conversation he’s carrying alone on his back

no not at all

not even when jimin has the most balls out of the group and is the testing point to see how the waters would go

while the night’s coming to an end and everyone’s slowly starting to settle in

“aha so where are we gonna crash anyway?”

you know what he’s trying to get at 

but seeing to it that what you just watched prior to this and perhaps for even a longer period besides that particular episode you don’t even wanna watch

you might as well not give anyone the sense of satisfaction nor pride; even if the question took you by surprise with how bluntly he addressed it

“uhm well the guest room now has two beds since some friends come over from time to time”

“but-”

“yeah the huge couch could fold over as a bed”

“but-”

“i could also-...”

“but y/n you have a king-sized bed!!”

jimin blurts out and almost whines out, a frown evident on his face as you keep your will not to break

“oh. just wanna sleep alone, jimin, yeah? kinda tired because of work today.”

he almost always gets what he wants and this blooming feeling inside him isn’t because of the embarrassment that you didn’t grant his wishes of just plopping beside you on your bed 

it’s because he’s thinking of why not

taehyung tries his best to just swallow the lump in his throat because he may or may not have daydreamed that he’d get to share beds with you

nothing but cuddling in his mind and the tiny bit of friskiness but that’s beside the point

he doesn’t wanna think about how there are no goodnight hugs

the closest thing to it was jungkook receiving a pat on the shoulder

because it happened that his arms were outsretched awkwardly

no cheek kiss for taehyung either

yeah it’s perhaps just fatigue as hobi tried to reason

they don’t know if they’re convincing each other or just themselves

maybe tomorrow would be better :D

...

aha no 

in fact at this point of morning when everyone knows that you’d be awake and it happens to be your off-day before the shoot tomorrow

and that whenever they’re around, you’d rather linger around them than to stay cooped in your room because you would be too sluggish then go back to sleep again

“blank always wants to be included it’s not funny anymore”

yeah you’d rather keep your pride at this point

jimin knocks again and you know you have no choice if you wanted this to go as discreet and as smooth as possible without raising suspicions that you knew

jin panicked for a moment because he was making french toast that he saw from damn milktpapi to try and catch your attention so when he hEARD your door click he was rapping litanies faster than the rapline ever could

they unconsciously just gravitate towards the couch and are practically hovering around you

you’re awfully quiet and the only input you give is when you’re asked a direct question

the only noise was coming from them reminiscing about their bv trip 

namjoon keeps bringing you up with “yahhh do u remember when y/n-....”

yoongi makes a point to keep laughing and have his arms protruding and therefore nudging you each time

at one point he almost shoves you but he’s barely met with a reaction

goddamn does he need to throw you off a cliff or something just to get a rise out of you

they really think that there must be something wrong 

so right when they wanted to open it up, they literally get interrupted but this time with a doorbell

you practically leap at that opportunity because quite literally were you saved by the bell

you don’t know who’s ringing your bell and why but you’re willing to take it 

jimin knows that you aren’t expecting anyone besides them as he’s made you promise

he might as well square up right now and be huffy about it

you’re bordering on confusion and curiosity as you open the door and even more-so your audience behind you who may or may not be in the same state

“theo??”

yoongi’s ears immediately perk up at that while his eyes go the widest

he’s toppling over as he scrambles for a vantage point that would get to see theo but without neither you nor theo seeing him

oh my god is this really your prfoessional basketball player for an ex-boyfriend

the boys are panicked to how yoongi’s acting and they even help him adjust his position even if they don’t know what it’s for

“wHAT YOONGI WHAT WHAT WHAT”

“BE QUIET”

he’s racking his brain for the description you gave and the picture you showed him

tall? intimidatingly. shoulders? perhaps even broader than seokjin’s. muscles? even more defined than jungkook when he lived in the gym. fluffy and silky-looking hair? enviously so :((

oh god it is theo

is he supposed to fanboy now

wait 

what was your ex doing here anyway

“i’m just gonna be out for a second, yeah?”

you say aimlessly and yoongi catches your gaze and he pretends to eat french toast while he’s stretched out on the floor to not break his cover

no one even has a chance to question nor respond because you’re already shutting the door

“WHO WAS THAT”

“WHY IS HE HERE”

“i sWEAR i saw him on tv once”

“taehyung are you ok”

yoongi’s bombarded and even if he’s shocked at the the turn of events because one second ur eating french toast with them and the next you’re out the door; he does have a bit more of an idea

“oh that was theo”

...

“are we supposed to automatically know who tHEO is???”

“you gonna add more context to that or????”

“even jimin doesn’t know!!!”

“theo’s a basketball player”

there are a couple of awed reactions

even namjoon’s explosive “aHHHHH so that’s where he’s from”

but there’s this question that’s begging to be asked

jimin taking front line as he asks with so much spite

“why is theo here then??”

this baffles yoongi too

most times he just doesn’t sugarcoat things and his mouth speaks the truth before he could even think of something else

“aish i don’t know i just know that she’s y/n’s ex so stop asking me if-...”

jimin’s in the corner with his mouth dropped, tongue poking at his cheek

“oh uhm i didn’t know that”

taehyung is sat on the floor with his attention not on the french toast anymore

eyes distant and not blinking as he’s nodding

“i see”

both jimin and taehyung clearly need time to process this bit of information

the conversation ends at that and everyone else staggers around

jimin’s in thought because why didn’t he know that??

shouldn’t he know that?

and what’s it with yoongi knowing instead of him?

taehyung, on the other hand, is conflicted with what he should feel

he’s jealous that’s for sure

the both of you covered masses of topics during the outing

but it never came to the topic of past flames

were you meaning not to tell him? or theo wasn’t talked about because the topic never came????

is this insecurity that he’s feeling

jungkook has to hold taehyung’s head still because he’s still nodding while deep in thought

you really weren’t expecting theo to show up at your doorstep

it’s in good intentions and you remained as friends but he was just too unexpected

“didn’t you know?? i’m gonna be one of those extras tomorrow for your airline commercial and it’s just a lil cameo but still!!! i don’t know i just wanted to visit you since i was in the area too :D”

and that’s what ended up with you coming with him to the little cafe at your complex with the promise that it was just gonna be quick and you’ll show him out

and perhaps that you don’t wanna be in the same room as them either

avoiding is good

yeah it would be good

:)

jimin doesn’t know what he’s trying to prove either but there’s this tug on his chest that basically yelled at him that he was a shitty friend

hasn’t been an hour ever since you left but he’s kinda sitting there fazed, whatever the other was saying coming in his ear and going out the other

“i lost my charger :(((”

jimin’s mindlessly answering to a pouty namjoon

“y/n has the same laptop. you could just get the charger by her desk”

he says naturally as if it’s clockwork and only waves him off when namjoon asks if it would be okay with you

he smiles at that and practically bounces to your unlocked room

quickly finds your desk and looks for a familiar charger

oh uhm it’s still connected to your laptop

jimin already said it was no worries so namjoon sleekly takes it out of the port with little hesitation

why did your laptop turn on

wait

is that his face??

is that

is that them in a hot tub

jimin’s wondering why namjoon is taking so long

he himself hasn’t been in your room for a long time and the thought makes him spring up

“hyung??”

fuck

oh god

it feels like freezing cold water was just splashed onto their spines without warning

jimin immediately pales

it’s taehyung who piles in last to your bedroom with all the commotion he could hear

he wants to absolutely deck himself 

everyone’s just speechless when they clicked play on the video even when they had this underlying feel to what it was

there’s a collective intake of sharp inhales because they couldn’t even finish the episode in which they basically talk shit about you for a solid three minutes

jimin has his face on his hands and he’s visibly stressed as everyone else is

couldn’t even tell on which blow was the hardest because they were all so harsh in their own ways

basically hit where it hurts most 

they were drunk beyond their comprehension and weren’t necessarily thinking

the episode was filmed pretty much in the first day of bv 

and whatever circumstance that night was in, it was still no excuse

absolutely no excuse to how they acted

maybe they took joking and overexaggerating too far

but whatever route they took, be it honest or not, no doubt that they were sure it hurt you

god a mental breakdown is already creeping at the back for all seven of them

tAEHYUNG’S SOBBING

jimin’s shaking

jungkook’s rubbing his eyes

jin and namjoon are repeating themselves

hobi’s dead silent

yoongi’s hands are practically trembling

it’s when you go home that you’ve momentarily forgotten that everything was going downwards because you spent the last hour or two being distracted by theo in just your pajamas

but it’s when you know that they know

and some can’t even look you in the eye

jimin’s the first to shoot up from his seat and god he looks somehow wrecked

“y/n i-...”

“m’sorry for being introlerable and all of those things, yeah? won’t happen again.”

everyone tenses at that

you shouldn’t even be apologetic!!

in fact they’re the ones who fucked up and you’re the one who’s acting as if you did

this makes them even more guilty

they all pipe in and try to point that out but you just easily drown them out with a tilt of your head

taehyung who’s standing by your doorframe just buffers as if to reach out for you but he retracts it quickly

they’ve really done it this time huh

it’s all just in characteristically empty spirits

the shooting next day was painful

having to drive together and be squished in between yoongi and jungkook whose mouths were so dry and eyes glossy

“i didn’t mean it”

jungkook first says under his breath and it’s quite a hitch in his throat when he adds on to it

“we weren’t thinking at all”

it’s a quiet show as jungkook and yoongi try to apologize to you and you’re in the middle trying to just sit through it all

it’s a quick nod as you have for a response before you hurriedly go down the van in perfect timing

you did listen and the apologies were sincere and heartfelt

just not too keen on forgiving something of that gravity in an instant

even with their promise that they could work something out to have that bit cut out or even scrap the whole episode if necessary

you just couldn’t wait to get the day over

you’re rigid with them and them trying to get to talk to you in between takes

the skits required more of them than you anyway so you just sat that one out

all while they try to get genuine with the feelings and lines indicated in their script

taehyung was the most distracted

even if people expected more of him given his acting credentials

and when it’s your turn to be filmed at, he can’t help staring

you looked blank

there’s this certain hyunbin (and also to your surprise) that’s gonna act as your co-pilot that got to make you smile a time or two after making a fool out of himself

if only taehyung knew that theo’s gonna be here as an extra

he would flip and THEN bawl

and as if things wouldn’t get even more unfavorable for you, they decide to cram in the photoshoot for the billboard at this very day too

multiple shoots of you being in the middle of them with a commercial-like smile

you having a solo one

them having one too

the boys wearing your airline’s flight attendant uniforms

trying to have a candid shot but all of you should be laughing and smiling as per the director

that was painful

that was really painful for the staff to watch

most painful for the eight of you

they even had to count to three so you could laugh together even if that takes away the essence of a candid shot

jimin wants so badly to hold you and talk to you

taehyung wants to get on his knees desperately if it means earning your forgiveness

the shoot raps and you’re zooming out the set

tae breaks down yet again because they’re gonna be held up by your ceo for awhile

:(

things feel empty and slow

everyone got around to texting you their apologies because as much as they’re desperate to apologize, they’ve done enough damage and respecting your space is the least they could do

that doesn’t stop jimin dropping in from time to time to leave something by your door

nor taehyung who doesn’t give up with all his texting and calling and sometimes waiting on your door

jimin and him coincidentially went at the same time and they just teared up and sulked together

you weren’t even home at that time

of course you’ve read their messages

trying to talk it out too as you’ve refused to succumb into your passive-aggressiveness

admittedly

you don’t wanna lose what you have either

:(

it’s only been two weeks so far

progress as you reply to texts here and there

slowly warming up again!!

namjoon earning back his partner for talking about movie symbolisms and perhaps everything wrong in this barren earth

seokjin getting to send you incorrect quotes from cake boss again left and right

hobi gaining his online shopping partner back 

yoongi making you promise that you’d hug him when he gets to see you again

jungkook vowing to teach you how to draw and makes sure to send daily content so he could make you switch wallpapers

jimin

well jimin

jimin’s going over the top as he has a lot to mend

but forgiveness was clear in the path and when you finally agreed to meet up with him after your shift

(he’s made the effort to wait for you in your lounge hours before as he got to pull some strings)

and then when you have a drink over it and talk about what happened properly, it just ends in a massive hug and some tears shed :((

“i missed u so much”

“i know”

“i could really be a fucking asshole sometimes”

“you are”

“you are none of those things and i don’t ever wanna stop having you as my friend”

“aha yes”

“you love me too much and i love you too much and this is forever now ok pls don’t get mad at me ever again”

basically everything was slowly returning back to normal

taehyung hasn’t texted you for a couple of days

even if you barely responded and miss him as much

it’s something you still have to come to terms with because his blows hit the hardest

you’re losing sleep just by thinking about him :(

you try to get on with your days with the knowledge that you get on with the six of them

things becoming more hectic for you because sometimes you forget that you’re famous now

but sometimes it was just lackluster if you were to admit

you basically sprint at the chance to pick up a normal shift again because you’ve missed flying

you liked being pampered for shoots but being tired from flying is the ache you’ve been craving for :((

it’s when you’re briefed that the plane you’d be flying isn’t your usual aircraft yet you still have the clearance for it

it’s when you just had the kick to be extra punctual and jump at the chance to greet passengers boarding

it’s these little extras in your day that you were so eager for things

that things just seem to be aligning

:)

taehyung’s by the front-most seat

hyunbin by his side as he gets up and goes to the cockpit to do nothing but take your place

it’s oddly warm just by looking at taehyung

no apologies have been said yet and it’s when that hyunbin practically says over the mic that “y/n take a seat and put your seatbelt on jesus christ” you do beside tae

the atmosphere’s just a loving type of warm

you really can’t explain it

it’s the same type of slow burn the both of you felt in the outing

the same anticipation you had for each other even if the other was doing the bare minimum

“hi”

taehyung croaks out after an eternity, a grin he tries to earnestly keep as it breaks out

“let’s talk.”

he’s nervous as he sees you relax to your seat, knowing in routine that the plane was to take off 

taehyung ever-so slightly shifts in his seat, shoulders touching with yours and hand in an armrest as he flexes them so slightly -- only supposed to be an attempt at a loving tease but it’s when you shift towards him and have your hand skim his for the slightest fraction

:)

“let’s talk.”

#yEEEEEET #feedback pLS AND THANK U :D #i spent so much time and so much heat from my overheating laptop pls :(( #taehyung #kim taehyung #taehyung imagine #kim taehyung imagines #kim taehyung imagine #bts #bts imagine #taehyung x reader #bts x reader #ot7 imagine #taehyung writing #taehyung fics #bts fics

[purplesurveys]

647

Have you ever done a craft that you found on Pinterest? I’ve never gone on Pinterest for reasons other than looking for interior design ideas lmao, so no. I’m no good at crafts anyway so it’s not like looking at Pinterest will make me feel good or motivated. Do you get scrapbooking layout ideas from anywhere? I don’t do scrapbooking, but if I do start (and I’ve always wanted to), I’d definitely get some tips from the internet or from people I know who are artsy. What do you do to wipe off the dust from ordinary life? Drink. Are you content with mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? I wish I knew everything, no matter how bad the news may be. What do you do when someone irritates you on Facebook? Unfriend them, duh. I could still see them in real life anyway, but I can very much hate their presence online enough to unfriend/block them haha.

Are you judgmental? If I meet a person for the first time only after I’ve heard a couple of stuff about them, I might judge them for a bit yeah. Then I’ll brush it off first and see if they really are what I was told they’d be. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed? I’ve never had it dyed, so I wouldn’t know if it looks better. Do your parents disrespect you? My mom does; and she’s typically a disrespectful person. My dad’s pretty chill. Have you found that love covers over a multitude of sins? Sure. People just have to watch out and make sure love doesn’t reach such a point that it ends up becoming a cover-up for toxic behavior. What was the last Grand Opening you went to? Popeye’s HAHAHAHAHA. They opened their (second) first branch in the country around a year ago and we didn’t have classes that day, so we went. Do you have anything coming up tomorrow? No Monday classes for me, so the day would just consist of me doing schoolwork at home, or in a coffee shop, or whatever works for tomorrow. What's one thing that makes your stomach hurt? DAIRY. I’m having milk tea right now and it is a nightmare. But it tastes so good, so lactose town it is. Ever had a living nightmare? You mean the last 22 years of my life? Sure. Do you have a lot of haters? Idk, it’s possible but I don’t worry about that kinda stuff.

Do you think successful people always come with a pack of haters? Of course. People are alllllllllways envious. Do you have supernatural abilities? No. Do you kick yourself when you make mistakes? Do you say, "I wish I would have" a lot? Yeah I do this a lot. It drives my girlfriend nuts and she hates when I start on could have/should have rants, but it’s my thought process most days. Are you doing the most you can with your life? 'The most’ is probably pushing it. I know I can still do more like join contests, volunteer, be in more orgs, etc. but it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy where I am and with what I’ve done. I can still call myself satisfied, and I hope it means I’ve been doing something right. Do you let people walk on you? No. At least I don’t think so. Are you ok? Thanks for asking :’) I could be better, but at least I’m functioning and that’s better than being a vegetable in bed all day. Do you have a friend you miss right now? Yeah, I always miss Angela. Do you ever write snail mail to your friends? We don’t do that anymore dude. Do you make your life look better than it is on Facebook? Yeah. There’s like this quiet mutual understanding among people (at least in my generation) that Facebook is for impressing your relatives and showing how good of a life you have, and Twitter is where you air out your sadness and rants and all the mess in your personal life haha. Do you feel God's presence regularly? There is no presence to be felt. Do you experience chronic pain? Nope. Do you believe God loves you and is rooting for you? Don’t need anyone else other than my friends and myself to do both of those for me. Have you ever dreamt that you were falling? I’ve never dreamt it but I’d sometimes get that sensation when I would almost fall asleep. What would your dream career be? Lawyer. If I wasn’t such a fucking crybaby in arguments I think I’d survive law school just fine HAHA. Are you a daydreamer? Sure. Do you daydream so much that you wonder if there's anyone who doesn't?  Not really. I just daydream when I’m bored. Do you ever just sit and daydream for awhile?  ^ Again, only when I’m bored. Is the snow falling where you are right now? Snow has never fallen in the Philippines. What is your favorite part of nature? Mountains, and the spectacular views they can give. Do you wish you could be a world traveler? Sure. Do you wish you could live in another city for a year? I wish I could migrate to another country – that’s how much I want to get out of here. What city would you like to visit? I’m eyeing Bangkok for my next trip abroad if that’s ever going to happen :) What has been your favorite city that you've visited? Locally, Vigan or Sagada. Abroad... probably Bali. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? I’m definitely going to be that parent who takes my kids every year and lets them wear whatever costume they’d want. Have you ever stood in line to get a Disney character's autograph? No. Do you own a birthday crown? I had a tiara for my 7th birthday party, but I’m not sure if my mom was able to keep it. How long does it usually take your hair to dry? Do you dry it naturally or blow-dry it? I have it dry naturally because I get bored blow-drying it. It usually takes an hour or two. Do you straighten your hair? No. I have bad experiences with that because as a kid/teenager, my mom would force me to have my hair rebonded even if I never wanted to have it done to my hair; so these days, when someone asks if I prefer my hair to be straightened, I shudder and say no. Do you sleep with a teddy bear? No and I never did. I was never into stuffed toys. Would you consider yourself a free spirit? To an extent, I guess. I do enjoy being independent and trying out new things, but I always want people to be with me along the way. If I’m gonna travel the world, I need a travel buddy. If I’m gonna go hiking in Sagada, I’d feel better having a companion. If I’m gonna try worms or bugs for the first time, it’s always nicer having someone who’s just as daring when it comes to food. I’m basically a free spirit who never wants to feel lonely, haha. Do you need to clean out your closet? I need to refold some of my clothes, but otherwise I know where everything is. Do you watch YouTube videos regularly? Yeah, I watch at least one video a day. What's your favorite coffee shop? Starbucks will always be my first love for their ambience, but Coffee Bean is pretty great too. Is your Pinterest page cluttered? It’s not used at all. Do you want to start a collection? Yes, I always said I would start collecting all sorts of WWF/E memorabilia once I’m able to afford having a steadily-growing collection. My future house is definitely gonna have its own ~man cave~ except it’ll be for wrestling merch, and it’ll have its own TV and sound system too for when I want to hide from the world and just find solace in wrestling. Are you a role model? Would you consider yourself a good example? I’ve had people say they look up to me for certain traits, but this isn’t something I actively try to become. I have bad habits and vices of my own, so I definitely don’t endorse myself as a role model. But if I can help people in other aspects, then that’s more than alright with me. Are you a leader or a follower? Follower. I like being a leader whenever I can, but there’s too much pressure in being the leader all the time. Who's your favorite person? My girlfriend, durrr. Who have been your favorite American Idol contestants? Siobhan Magnus, Adam Lambert, and Pia Toscano. Did you used to name your Barbies? No. I never liked playing with Barbies either. I think I only ever got one Barbie doll as a present, and it’s because I always preferred playing with toys for boys given that I grew up with mostly male cousins. What unnatural hair color looks best on you?  I’m not sure. I’ve wanted to dye my hair either red or green, though. Is your life boring? No. It’s certainly picked up in the last few months. Do you usually feel better around people or alone? I do great for both situations. It depends on what I need at a particular time. Is there a broken relationship in your life that you want to fix? There’s a broken relationship, but I have no desire to fix it. Do you ever think about Heaven? A part of me finds a level of solace in the idea of getting reunited with lost loved ones when I die, but I mostly think there’s no afterlife. Are you ready for Heaven yet? Are you afraid of where you're going to go? No. I’d like to think I’ll end up somewhere in the universe, and it’s enough to calm me down. Do you have a tree outside your window? Yes, but it’s dark and we have curtains so I can barely see the trees. Do you feel better now than you did last night? I wouldn’t say that, even though I’m feeling okay tonight. I was with Gabie last night, which automatically makes last night better. Is your sleep schedule messed up? It’s still a little bit distorted, yeah. But I’m not too worried about it because at least all my classes this sem start at 10 AM, which means I get to sleep in unlike last sem when I had 7 AM/8:30 AM classes :) Does your body have any problems with it? It gets tired during the day because I’d usually take naps in the afternoon, but it doesn’t affect me too badly. Are you doing ok spiritually? I don’t think about that aspect. Have you taken any huge risks lately? I had a long, blunt talk with Gab last night and it involved topics regarding our relationship that have long been denied and shelved finally acknowledged and let out in the open; and I think that in itself is a big step to take. Silence or songs? I can prefer either depending on my mood. Tea or coffee? Coffee. Books or movies? 10 year old me would say books. Today me would say movies. Do you ever watch your favorite movies from when you were a kid? Yes. I do a Toy Story rewatch at least once a year. ^If you were going to do that, what would you watch? Mostly Disney movies like Toy Story, Finding Nemo, The Game Plan, etc. Do you ignore rude people or do you call them out? Call them out. Do you have trouble staying organized? Yeah, but then again I’m messy-organized so even though I find it hard to maintain being organized, I still end up remember where everything is placed (most of the time). What has been your most favorite adventure? Walking around Bali and my family not knowing where the hell we were or where we were headed. What has been your greatest mistake? I hate questions like this. Are you happy with your life right now? I’m like 75% happy with it, which I’d say is a decently healthy amount. Do you take anything to make your feel better? No. Are your parents still together? Yes. What color socks do you have on? Currently barefoot. Are you under a blanket right now? Nope. It’d be nice to be that right now, though. Are you hopeful? Always.

#survey #surveys

[shipsrulemylife]

Jily Fic Rec

Surprise, surprise. Guess who’s back with another fic rec!

It’s Jily this time because who doesn’t love a good enemies to friends to lovers trope?

EDIT: apparently the links only work if you click on the read more??? why is tumblr so weird

Key Limes by cgner [Rated T]

In which Academy Award winner Lily Evans discovers the periphery of internet fandom and the mysteries of Prince James’s gold star system.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7402624

Mother Deer by GhostofBambi [Rated T]

Euphemia Potter is the unequivocal boss of everyone, including and most especially her son, and if the sweet, bright-eyed redhead who frequents her coffee shop doesn't know that yet, she's about to find out.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13594827

Polyjuiced by ladyoftheknightley [Rated T]

A very pregnant Lily invites the Marauders round to help her entertain James. Somehow, this degenerates into 4 Jameses wandering around her living room, with her having to guess which is her actual husband or (horror of horrors) lose a bet against Sirius Black.

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10101206/1/Polyjuiced

Salmon Fishing in the Olympics by GhostofBambi [Rated T]

Modern Era AU: When Lily Evans seeks assistance from James Potter to avoid the attentions of a suitor who just won't take no for an answer, she accidentally lands them both on the front page of every gossip magazine in Britain. She should have thought about that before pretending to be the girlfriend of a famous athlete.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11393601

Cat in a Fifth Floor Flat by GhostofBambi [Rated T]

Modern Era AU. When Remus Lupin moves out and Lily Evans moves in, James Potter finds himself instantly drawn to his beautiful new neighbour. Little does he know that a mysterious force of nature is secretly pulling the strings.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10610682

The Yeast I Can Do by elanev91 [Rated T]

Dr Lily Evans had an absolute shit day at work. Luckily, there's a bakery nearby that offers a course that she hopes will take her mind off of things.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11677191

Try, Trial, and Try Again by BeeDaily [Rated G]

Spell engineering has never been so complicated than when an afternoon of trying and trialing leaves James and Lily in an interesting position.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12404292

Supermarket Sweep by GhostofBambi [Rated T]

Modern Era AU: James Potter can find anything he needs in his local supermarket - bread, milk, the woman of his dreams - they've got it all.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11608353

we could be gigantic by elanev91 [Rated T]

Lily and James have been best friends since they were kids. Uni, a band, a trip abroad, a few tours and a couple of albums later, things start to change. Half an email fic, half a regular ol' narrative.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13926795

Swipe Right, Swing Left by ShadowRose997 [Rated T]

The unspoken rule of using dating apps in D.C. is that you always start with where you work. James Potter, it seems, never picked up on that one.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16743499

Erotic Porridge by elanev91 [Rated T]

Euphemia Potter thinks her doctor needs to go on a date with her son. This story is so named because I saw it somewhere, could not stop laughing, and my best friend professor-riddikulus hates it so much that I just had to. This story has nothing, literally nothing, to do with porridge. (I really should give my stories better names) - Muggle AU

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10475154/chapters/23112117

Elevator Love Song by BeeDaily [Rated T]

James unexpectedly finds himself trapped in a dodgy apartment elevator with Lily Evans.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13814355

Motionless by lovesickjily [Rated T]

James Potter always had thought that he was the only person in the world who had the power to stop time, but somehow, just the sight of Lily Evans makes every second feel like an hour.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16720791

Pickup Limes by elanev91 [Rated G]

Lily loves to blow off steam in Waitrose. Tonight, she spots an unbelievably gorgeous man in the bakery. Modern AU, Muggle AU, Grocery Store AU (still def not a thing)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11603553

Orange Cardamom by ShadowRose997 [Rated T]

James may not believe in love at first sight, but he's beginning to think there may be some merit in love at first sip.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16412123

Too Fic Too Furious by elanev91 [Rated T]

The M25 needs to undergo massive emergency repairs and the entire motorway has been shut down for, well, probably the rest of eternity. Lily Evans was foolish enough to think she could make it through before the traffic properly started. She's absolutely dying of boredom when she spots the guy in the car opposite.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14990837

you exist behind my eyelids by lovesickjily [Rated T]

How could they be in love with someone whose existence was only known because they frequented each other's dreams?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15861750

the one with the white suit and the red beanie by Apalapucian [Not Rated]

james agrees(?) to be a model for lily's photography class project, and jeanne, james, and lily all fall one way or another in the duration of it.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16018502

Wishing you all a Good Evening by thejilyship [Rated T]

Lily Evans is a news anchor for her college news station and James Potter is a football star who has gained quite a bit of local notoriety. Lily's not impressed by him and his arrogance, but James is quite impressed with everything Lily does. After the blunder that was their first meeting, James is determined to change her mind and she's determined not to let him. College!AU

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15408027/chapters/35760174

So Just Act Like You Love Me by twilightstargazer [Rated T]

Lily was looking forward to a nice, quiet Christmas by herself. Instead she's heading back home for her sister's engagement party with a fake boyfriend in tow.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11616078

the one with the storm and all the texting by Apalapucian [Not Rated]

James and Lily get stuck in a coffee shop during a storm.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16044326

Unexpected Perks by thejilyship [Rated T]

James and Lily meet in an airport after missing their flights, though by the end of the day, it all sort of seems like fate.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15368979

Sing A Reckless Serenade by twilightstargazer [Rated T]

“What kind of work thing?” James asks, warily. Lily takes a breath. It seemed like a brilliant idea last night, when she was more than three drinks under, but now in the light of day it just seems… pathetic. Still though, she needs help, and needs it soon, so she finds herself blurting out: “I need you to fake date me for a week.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/9794741

Dr. Jones and the Witch by jamespotterthefirst [Not Rated]

Who is the stranger Lily drunkenly met at a party? And why can't she stop texting him?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16477184

no matter what (i love you) by softjily [Rated G]

When Lily’s aunt Rose introduced her to a scrawny twitchy eleven year old boy with frantic hair and glasses that were too big for his face, she certainly didn’t think she’d spend the next seventeen years beside him." Or, the VirtueMoir AU no one asked for.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16216460/chapters/37903337

Have a Biscuit by PetalsToFish [Rated G]

No matter how many biscuits it took, Minerva was too invested in James Potter's relationship with Lily Evans to tell him that he needed to stop eating all her biscuits.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16301453

The Engagement by itsa_bee [Not Rated]

Lily and Marlene decide to go wedding dress shopping, even though neither of them are even in a relationship much less engaged. One thing leads to another, James Potter enters the scene, some fake dating ensues, and then they eat an engagement cake!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15728991

Sixty-Nine, Nice by a_collection_of_nonsense [Rated T]

In which James Potter and Lily Evans are in a math course together and have absolutely no chill.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15663510

#Jily by Chie (Chierafied) [Rated G]

Twitter seemed awash with the hashtag Jily. Lily blinked at in confusion, until she realised it was one of those silly couple monikers people had bestowed on her and Potter. …Though there was a small dissenting crowd following a tweet from Potter’s bandmate Sirius Black: Jily? Hah! More like LAMES.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7292149

victorem by gryffindormischief [Rated T]

When God closes a door, sometimes you have to jump out a window.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14134368

Cheers to That by wotcherpotter [Rated G]

Breakout star James Potter has seen success on the new hit comedy Have You Ever, and has been nominated for his first BAFTA. Upon the announcement he receives congratulations aplenty online, including from fellow actor and long time crush Lily Evans.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12185553

follow your heart gently; by lilevans [Rated G]

social media au + “after lily spotted james on campus, she posted a video to her university’s campus story, telling james: ‘To the cute guy wearing the blue jersey in the university’s snapchat story, I’m seriously in love with you. find me.’ a modern day cat and mouse game ensues with the whole campus urging romeo and juliet to meet because oMG its love at first sight!!”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12130413

Questions and Answers by lizardcookie [Rated T]

The simple question of whether or not they're dating doesn't exactly have a simple answer. Seventh Year Jily.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7723105

Upside Down by Bob_The_Other_Zombie [Rated G]

Lily’s pop star career seems to be hitting a rut, until her publicity team comes up with the perfect plan- a fake relationship with James Potter, frontman of the hot new boyband The Marauders. Lily’s less than enthused- last time she and James were in the same room together, there was vomit involved, all over her nicest pair of shoes. After a few dates, however, lines begin to blur, and suddenly things between them don’t seem to be just PR anymore...

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7500300

Sweet Tooth by mylifeissocoollike [Rated T]

Lily and James were best friends growing up, but when he moved away and they drifted apart they thought that would be the end of their friendship. But fate has a funny way of working out, and Lily can’t keep herself away from the brownies in the grocery store.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7301335

Lilium Regale by jewishwondergirl [Rated G]

Flowershop!AU. Lily works in a flower shop, and every Friday James comes in to buy flowers. For this prompt: "you keep buying a bunch of flowers so i think i have no chance but it turns out theyre for ur mum" Written (early) for Jily Trope Fest! Nothing but fluff.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7065067

The Benefits of Recklessness by madnessandbrilliance [Rated T]

Some people really were lucky they had good medical insurance. A Jily AU.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/6779974

Darkest Night by thelittlegreennotebook [Rated G]

"It’s a tiny place, warm and welcoming with soft light and softer croissants. A place so small that if you happened to, say, run into the bloke you had been hell-bent on avoiding—well, there would be no avoiding about it." The third and last in a series of Jily college AUs for the November Fanfiction Challenge.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/2563049/chapters/5699597

Happy reading!

#oof #harry potter #harry potter fic rec #jily #jily fic rec #jily fanfic #jily fanfiction #fic rec #james potter #lily evans #lily potter #marauders

[baby-i-promise-we-are-fine]

In all three months Cora has been hitchhiking around New Zealand, she’s never been so desperate. The sun is setting over the hills and the temperature is dropping rapidly. She’s stranded on 25, somewhere, she thinks, near Whitianga. Normally she would break out her tent and sleep on the side of the road, but tonight it’ll be too cold. She’s out of food, too. Her emergency cell phone has no signal. She can’t believe how stupid she’s been — complacent, really. Over-confident. Everywhere she’s gone, she’s found a ride, a good, kind person with a boot that could fit her backpack, a few words to say about the dangers of hitchhiking, and more than a few questions about the gun problem in America. She’s been doing this three months now, day and night, non-stop, and not once has she been in this predicament. Then again, she’s never been this far south on the north island, and even though she’d been warned, she forgot about the shift in temperature. At home, it's probably blazing. 

The landscape is beautiful, but she can’t enjoy it, can only stare down the dead center of the winding road with her thumb out, heading in the general direction of Whitianga, where there’s a nice warm hostel calling her name. She hasn’t seen a single car in over an hour. She should have stayed in Auckland, where there are hostels and internet and flat whites abound. She could have found a WWOOF gig online and gone there directly on a bus or charter flight, not taken her chances in the great wide open. Her backpack is chafing her hips. Her lips are chapped. She’s thirsty. She’s hungry. It occurs to her for the first time that what she’s doing might actually kill her. There’s no way to whip her credit card out and call her mom to save the day. She stops, lowers her thumb, and realizes: In all her travels, this is the first time she’s been truly afraid. Before she can grasp onto the fear, a noisy SUV flies past her. She runs after it using the last of her energy, jogging in the dead center of the road, waving her arms wildly. “Please!” she shouts, even though she knows the driver can’t hear. And quietly, to herself as she slows to a halt, “Please stop.” And it does. It’s almost a half-kilometer away, but Cora jogs to it, fifty kilo pack on her back, heart hammering and out of breath. She thinks she might pass out. Attached to the back of the truck is a motorboat with the words HAPPY FEET painted in blue bubble letters on the side. The driver rolls down his window as Cora approaches. He’s young-ish, not a decade older than her. Messy hair. Sharp eyes. The smell of weed wafts out of the cab. He’d be a good-looking guy if not for his scowl and the way his eyes flick down to her chest. That alone would normally be enough for her to say thanks-no-thanks, but beggars can’t be choosers. “Where you headed, sweetheart?” he asks. She should be irked by “sweetheart” but she’s too busy being thrown by his accent. “You’re American,” she says. “Born and raised.” She has a methodology down. Normally she asks the driver where they’re headed first, so she doesn’t have to reveal her destination. But she’s too tired, too surprised, too off her game to play by her usual rules. “Whitianga,” she says. “Really, anywhere warm I can sleep for a night.” The way he smiles at her then feels like someone dropped a bucket of ice over her head. She’s shown so many of her cards. She can’t imagine the expression on her face, what she looks like. The last people who picked her up, Monty and Harper, a Croatian couple on their honeymoon, told her about a hitchhiker who was murdered on the south island. And the woman before that, Luna, a shop owner in Rotorua, told her she makes it a habit to pick up every female hitchhiker she sees in order to warn them against it. Cora knew the dangers. She thought they didn’t apply to her. “I’ll tell you what,” he says casually, a hand falling between his legs. She refuses to trail her eyes down to confirm her suspicions. “Suck my cock and I’ll take you as far as Kaimarama.” “There’s nothing in Kaimarama.” “Then I guess you’ll have to come home with me.”  “And then what?”

In any other situation, she might find his smile flirty and disarming. She imagines approaching him at a bar, excited to find another American abroad, assuming the best of him. She assumes the best of everyone. No one has ever been cruel to her. “I think you know what, honey.” “You’re disgusting.” He puts the SUV in drive and hits the gas. She gasps and jumps back, nearly toppling over with the inertia of the weight on her back, but quickly rights herself and chases after him. “Stop! Stop! Please!” He does, only a couple yards away. When she reaches his window again, she says, “Give me water, good food, and a comfortable place to sleep tonight, and I’ll blow you now and fuck you later, after I’ve eaten and cleaned up.” He smiles again like he won a battle, and kicks his thumb over his shoulder. “Toss your stuff in the boot and get in.” She circles around the SUV and opens the back door, where a big excited mutt starts wagging its tail and trying to hop out and greet her. The dog looks like a cross between a German Shepherd and some kind of terrier. The man whistles between his teeth and says, “Boy, get back here.” The dog obediently steps back to allow Cora room for her backpack. She climbs into the passenger seat and immediately positions the heating vents onto her. She’s only wearing a light jacket, and her sweat starts to cool uncomfortably over her filth-tightened skin. The man puts the SUV in gear and continues down the road. The dog is panting by her ear. “Your dog’s name is Boy?” she asks. “Wasn't my intention to name him. He started coming around, and kept coming around, and by then, well.” “What are you doing in New Zealand?” His eyes dart toward her. She’s grateful there are no street lights out here. She can’t bear to look at him and his stupid smile. “You really want to know that, darling, or are you stalling?” “Don’t call me darling.” “What would you rather be called?” “By you? Nothing.” He reaches down to his pants and unbuckles his belt, thumbs open his fly. “Okay, Nothing. Ready to put that pretty pink mouth on my cock?” “You don’t have to be gross about it.” “Where’s the fun in that?” He pulls his cock out of his pants and she’s grateful once more for the dim twilight, only knows what’s going on by the movement of his hand. Boy yawns and settles in the back seat. “Ready when you are.” She hesitates. “I can pull over and drop you off right here if you’d rather,” he says. “Fine,” she says, and positions her head over his lap, uncomfortably sprawled across the bench seat. His hand comes to the back of her head and she swats it off. He puts it right back. At least he’s not pushing. She can’t really see his cock but she can smell it, the same musky scent of cocks everywhere. She hasn’t sucked anyone off since she was a teenager. After Lexa, she’d mostly been interested in women. Somehow it offers a pinch of solace to remind herself she doesn’t even like dick. She jerks his half-hard cock in her fist. “C’mon, baby, you can do better than that.” “Don’t call me baby.” She hates that her gut instinct is to meet his challenge. She finds herself thinking back to her last boyfriend Finn and what he liked. “That’s better,” he says more softly, and strokes the shell of her ear with his thumb. She places the tip of his cock at her lower lip and gives it an experimental lick. She waits for his reaction, which doesn’t come. In the back seat, Boy huffs a heavy sigh. His cock is mostly hard now, so she lowers her mouth over it, wraps her lips around her teeth. She expects him to force her head down further until she’s gagging, but he doesn’t, and that infuriates her, that he could be pushing her, hurting her, doing whatever he wants to her, but he’s just sitting there driving, petting her hair like a second dog.  She goes down as far as she can take him, until her nose is touching the zipper of his pants. Finally he reacts — a dirty low laugh she feels in his stomach rather than hears. “Got something to prove, honey? Daddy never treat you nice?”

She bites back the frustrated growl in her throat, and instead starts bobbing her head up and down, her hand with it and a little twist up top. It always drove Finn crazy, but this guy doesn’t seem affected by it, except that his cock is now fully hard. His breath hasn’t even sped up. After a minute she pops off, hand still working him over. “Are you going to come or not?” “Not my fault you don’t know how to suck a dick.” “Then by all means, teach me.” It comes out sarcastically, but she’s surprised how sincerely she means it. Even if none of this is by choice, she still likes being good at things. She didn’t like going to school either, but she still wanted a 4.0. He guides her head back to his cock. “Not so fast. Take your time. Use a little tongue. There you go, good girl.” She’s a little breathless when she comes off again. “Don’t call me that.” “But you earned it,” he says, and even though she can’t see his dumb smile, she can hear it in his words. “You like earning things, don’t you?” Instead of responding, she continues working his cock, up and down, wiggling her tongue a little against him and sucking slightly. “Meet a lot of girls like you,” he says. “Come out here to get away from easy city living, prove they can make it on their own. Then they come back home and have a line to add to a resume, anecdote for six-figure interviews.” She sucks him harder, more angrily, tears burning at the corners of her eyes. He’s wrong. She’s never going back to her shitty country to live with her shitty family and work a shitty job. “Or are you one of those girls out here to write a book? Bet this’ll get a whole chapter. Bet this is the most interesting thing to happen to you in your entire little life.” She puts her whole self into it now. His words echoing in her head, but she refuses to let them land. Refuses to let him be right. “Now you’ll always have a story to tell. How’s that feel, to finally know you’re interesting because a bad thing happened to you? That’s what you wanted, right? That’s what you came all the way out here for. To live in beauty and face the ugliness of life.” A tear falls down the bridge of her nose, hovers at the tip, and slides over the back of her knuckles. He cards his fingers through her hair, scratches gently at her scalp. “Sweet girl,” he says, and now she can hear it, a slight strain in his voice. “Quick study. Thought I could make this last.” Her jaw is starting to ache, and she’s pulled a muscle in her side, and now the car is stifling hot and her entire body is flushed with heat. The curves in the road are making her motion sick, nausea roiling in her gut. His cock twitches in her mouth, and he lets out a single quick exhale, grips his hair in her fist but still won’t direct her head. “Almost there, sweetheart.” She can’t tell if he means his orgasm or their destination or both. “Look at you, sucking cock just for a ride one town over.” He’s panting now, body tense. “Put that pretty mouth to use, fuck.” He stills her head and takes in a sharp breath, holds it a beat. His cock pulses in her mouth and she closes her throat against it. The second his grip loosens, she lifts off of him, rolls down her window, and spits his jizz out. “Fuck you,” she says while wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Her voice cracks. Tears dry on her cheeks.  He glances at her as he tucks himself back into his pants. “You will.”

Chapter 2

Chapter Text

The drive is long and silent. A red streak over the horizon is all that remains of daylight. Cora used to get carsick driving over and around the hills, but now she knows to stare at the middle line of the road, her tongue pressed against her upper palate. Her mouth tastes like spunk, and the man driving is humming CCR’s “Midnight Special.” The low tone of his voice and the gentle rocking of the cab is enough to lull her to sleep after a long, long day of walking, but she stays vigilant. No telling what would happen if she falls asleep next to a monster.

“What’s your name?” she asks. Her throat constricts like she might cry again, out of fear or frustration or exhaustion, she’s not sure. Maybe it’s just sadness. Plain old sadness, to be so far away. 

He had pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. The window is opened a crack so he can flick ash out of it. “Ben,” he says through a plume of smoke.

She waits a beat. “Don’t you want to know mine?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“You’re not worth knowing.”

Cora wipes away the tear that wells up in her eye before it has a chance to hit her cheek. She hasn't stopped crying since the blowjob.

He glances at her. “Are you crying?”

“No.”

“You’re crying.”

“You’d cry too if you got raped.”

“Sweetheart.” He takes a long pull from the cigarette and blows it out. “The best is yet to come.”

It’s another twenty minutes before they arrive at what can generously be called a shack, settled several kilometers off the road, alongside a wide bay. That explains the boat. In every other direction are empty hills and grazing sheep. A firepit and a single folding chair sit out front. She’s never seen so many stars in her life. 

Ben gets out of the SUV and pulls open the back door. Boy jumps out and runs in circles, barking happily. Cora is about to get her backpack, but Ben gets it for her, even carries it over his shoulder as he heads toward the shack. Whenever she picks it up, she needs to set it on the ground, squat down, put both arms in the straps, and buckle it around her waist. Ben picks it up effortlessly, doesn’t even bother putting it on both shoulders, just the one, like a school bag.

He whistles sharply, either for Boy or her, she can’t tell. She and Boy follow obediently. 

The shack is the size of a studio apartment. A pile of hand-woven blankets sit in a corner on a raised platform which may or may not be a bed. The ceiling reaches only a couple inches above Ben’s head. The kitchen consists of a sink and a hotplate, with a table and two chairs underneath a kerosene lamp, which Ben lights with a match. 

She finds herself staring in the far corner for a long moment, unable to comprehend what she sees: a bookshelf, full of old cracked paperbacks. Dozens of them. Maybe a hundred. It takes up the most space in the entire room. On top of the shelf tower a few stacks of notebooks, spiral-bound, hard-cover, different shapes and sizes, all warped and frayed at the edges, vaguely water-logged. 

“You don’t have electricity?” she asks.

“Don’t need it.”

“What about plumbing?”

“Got an outhouse out back, and a stall to shower.”

“Where does the water come from?”

“See, there’s this thing called rain —”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“Don’t say dumb shit.”

“You expect me to shower in the cold? With no hot water?”

“I don’t expect you to do anything. You want a shower, that’s your option. You want a bath, there’s plenty of water in the bay.” 

She kneels down and opens her pack, gets out her travel towel and toiletries and fresh, warm pajamas. His eyes are on her all the time — she can feel his hard stare, his constant assessment. While she’s gone, he could steal her stuff, come into the shower stall and rape her. At this point, she doesn’t have anything to lose. It’s almost freeing, in a fucked-up way. There’s nothing else to be afraid of. He was right: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to her.

The shower stall is outside, hooked up to a rain drum. She starts shivering before she even gets undressed, can’t imagine what hell she’s about to endure by showering in the cold. If she weren’t so filthy, she could wait until tomorrow, until the morning sun heats up the drum and the weather and water might be warmer, but her skin is itching and she can’t stand her own smell.

The shower works with a pull system. She pulls the rope and the freezing water trickles over her naked body. She screams, knowing only one person can hear her, and he doesn’t care. With shaking hands she washes her hair, soaps up her body, and pulls the cord again to rinse off. It’s the fastest, most ineffective shower she’s ever taken, and by the time she dries off and puts her clothes back on, her fingers, toes, and nose are numb. It’s sick, how quickly she runs back to him, just to be warm again.

In the shack, Ben has lit a large space heater, but Cora dives under the blankets on the bed anyway. He laughs at her. The air smells like fish, and she can hear sizzling from the hot plate. She’s so hungry, and so cold, and so miserable, she thinks she might pass out. And she does, for a moment, or spaces out, or dissociates or something. She's only brought back to the present when her body begins to thaw and she hears the clatter of plates on a table.

“Come eat, or I’ll give your portion to Boy.”

Cora climbs out of the bed, warm now, dizzy and a little dreary. She takes a seat at the table, where she picks up a large glass of water and chugs it, then refills it with a pitcher, and chugs it again. When her thirst is finally quenched, she digs into her food ravenously — two large fish filets, cod maybe, some kind of sauteed green leaf, a slice of lemon. In the middle of the table sits a basket of rolls and a half-stick of butter. It takes Cora half a dozen bites to realize the food delicious. Ben is still staring at her, but she doesn’t care, can only shovel food into her mouth repeatedly, ignoring her mother’s voice in her head to be a lady, be polite, she’s a guest in someone else’s home.

The home of my rapist, she thinks, and continues shoveling. She could give a shit less if he has a problem with her manners.

When she cleans her plate and sops up the juices with a roll, she asks, “Is there more?”

“There will be in the morning.”

She makes a frustrated noise in her throat. “I want more.”

“You seem like the kind of person who always asks for more than she’s offered.”

“Look who’s talking.”

Ben’s hand comes to rest on top of hers across the small table. His thumb brushes over her skin gently. “I’m the kind of man who takes what he wants.”

She jerks her hand away. The ghost of his touch hovers over her. She doesn’t want him, she tells herself, and pushes down the disgusting thrill of being looked at the way he’s been looking at her, the way she’d looked at the meal placed in front of her just moments ago.

He leans all the way back in his chair until it tilts back on two legs. “You got your ride, your shower, your good food, and a warm place to sleep for the night. I got part one of the deal, but not part two.”

“I’m not going to make this easy for you.”

He smiles at her, just with his lips, dark eyes cast low. “I wouldn’t want you to.”

She thought he would get right to it, but instead he clears the dishes and washes them, even the plate he’d put down for Boy. He wipes out the cast iron skillet and sets it back on the hot plate. He cleans the entire place meticulously, until it’s exactly how it was when they first walked in. Cora takes the time to read through the titles on the book shelf. Nabokov, Baldwin, Borges, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Joyce, Woolf, Hemingway, Faulkner, Shakespeare, and a few bizarre commercial titles, Dan Brown and Stephen King. The newest looking book is still from over a decade ago. It’s a better collection than all the take-a-book, leave-a-book piles in every hostel she’s been to. For a second she lets herself imagine that she really did meet him at a bar in Whitianga, and they hit it off, and he was sweet to her and asked to take her home with him. She imagines falling in love with this simple place, and the simple life he leads here. Books and ocean and a good food and a dog and infinite sky. This was the kind of life she came here for. Knowing a man like him, a monster, has found it, the life she’s always wanted — 

He comes up behind her and runs a hand over her stomach, underneath her shirt, presses his lips to the juncture of her neck and shoulder. She lets out a small, surprised noise. He swipes her damp hair across her other shoulder and peppers her neck with kisses, dips his hand into her pajama pants. She shoves it away, so he wraps an arm around her, gripping her wrist, pinning her. He slides his other hand into her pants again, and this time she has no way of shoving him off of her, so she tries to thrash, but it’s no use. His finger finds her cunt, and by the dark laugh in her ear and the ease with which he strokes her, she assumes she’s already wet for him.

“I’m going to make you feel so good, sweet girl,” he whispers, nipping at the shell of her ear, circling her clit with one finger. “You’re gonna forget this wasn’t your choice.” He slides two fingers inside of her and she bites down a moan. Nausea roils in her gut — she’s being fingered by a complete stranger in the middle of nowhere, and she can’t fight him off, can’t scream for help. This is really happening. “Warm and fed and fucked. That’s all you really want, isn’t it?”

She doesn’t need any more of his fucking mind games. “Shut up.”

He pulls his hand out and spins her around, grips her hair in his fist and kisses her. His tongue plunges into her mouth, while his free hand reaches up her shirt and cups her breast. He moves so quickly, so confidently, her body reacts to all of it before her mind can scream at her to fight. That voice is getting quieter, exhausted, and if she stops fighting, maybe it won’t take as long, and he’ll let her sleep on his warm bed. Then she’ll be unconscious, and she’ll be able to pretend none of this happened.

She tries not to return his kiss, lets her mouth go slack, but her instincts take over and she finds herself meeting his movements, pressing her tongue against his, making a pained noise as he sucks her lip between his teeth. 

“That’s right, honey,” he says, “let yourself enjoy it. Let me take care of you.” He takes her by the hips and pushes her toward the bed. Her thighs hit the back of it and he shoves her down. She immediately sinks into the comfortable softness of the mattress and closes her eyes. She can’t bring herself to struggle against the tug she feels at her pants, the cool air of her sudden nudity. In the back of her head, she’s grateful she took a shower. Even now, if she’d been filthy, she would have felt humiliated. 

Next he hikes her shirt up to her armpits. She's naked now except for her socks and shirt.

“God, look at you,” he says, eyes roving up and down her body. “You’re just about the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“I’m not a thing,” she replies weakly. 

He falls to his knees and lifts one of her legs over his shoulder, kisses her inner thigh. “You’re Nothing, right,” he says smugly.

Then he has her legs spread and his tongue is pressed against her cunt. She can already tell he’s good at it, that he’s going to take his time with her. This could be so easy if he just bent her over and fucked her and went to sleep, but no, he wants to make her come. 

She tries to squeeze his head with her thighs, kick a little, but he takes her by the back of the knees and wrenches her open, dives his tongue so far into her pussy that her mind goes blank and she cries out. Despite her attempts at relaxing, not reacting to the way he sucks and licks at her clit, fucks her with two fingers, her body betrays her, and she comes hard, shouting more loudly than she’s ever been allowed to before. She can feel him smiling into her cunt, and when she finally comes down, she braces herself for his cock. 

“You’re not done,” he says, and goes back to what he was doing, only now she’s oversensitive, trying to get away from his mouth, but he grips her hips and brings her closer to him. Another orgasm rips through her, and before that one has ended, a second builds, and a third. No one has ever given her multiples before. She can’t even do it for herself. Her ears ring with her own shrill cries; her fists are gripping his hair and dragging him further into her cunt, and just when she thinks she’s finally done and spent, he shoves three fingers into her pussy and fucks her hard and fast, and she comes again, nearly delirious, shouting — and hating herself for it — his name.

“Good girl,” he says, breathless, climbing back up her body. He kisses her with his cunt-coated mouth and she doesn’t have enough brain power to do anything other than let him. He pulls away to take off his shirt and unbuckle his belt. His pants drop and he kicks them off.

She can see his cock in the light of the kerosene lamp. It’s bigger than it had felt in her mouth and hand. 

“A condom, please,” she says, voice small and unconvincing.

He jerks his cock in his fist. “No.”

“I’m not on the pill.”

“Too bad.”

“I have STDs.”

“No you don’t.” He presses the tip of his cock to her entrance and she climbs further back on the bed. “You lost your virginity to your high school boyfriend, who turned out to be an asshole. Then you had one serious relationship that lasted a few years, and you’ve probably had two, maybe three, one-night stands.”

He's right. She’s going to puke. Maybe then he won’t want to fuck her. “How did you —”

“I know you, sweetheart.” He crawls onto the bed, between her legs. He dips down and catches her lips with his. “There’s nothing special about you.” 

His words hurt almost as much as the fast, smooth sinking of his bare cock into her cunt. She hasn't felt this stretched open since she lost her virginity, like she's breaking in half.

“Please, please don’t come in me,” she says. “I don’t want to get pregnant.”

He pulls out a couple inches and slams back in. “Not my problem.”

Like going down on her, she wants to remain placid and lifeless, but he really does know her, knows all the spots that make her cry out. She scrapes her fingernails down his back, moans in a way no one has ever made her moan before. He pulls out and flips her onto her knees, pounds into her from behind. If he built this shack himself, he built it sturdy. The platform doesn’t even creak.

He pulls her up against his chest, held firmly in place, and wraps a hand around her front to finger her clit again. Based on the slipping rhythm of his movements, he’s close. 

“Please,” she pants, "please," though she no longer knows what she’s begging for. 

“I’ve got you, baby,” he says against her neck. “Let go for me. Give it up.”

She won’t. Tears are streaming down her face. She shakes her head, but her body is seeking release. His fingers are only teasing her now. She needs to come but he won’t let her, eases off the second she starts to tense up. 

“Beg me,” he says. “Beg me to come inside you.”

“No.” She’s outright crying now, sobbing in frustration and need and the unfairness of it all. “Don’t make me.”

“You want to come don’t you? I want to hear you say it. I want you to beg.”

He slows down to an agonizing pace, fucking into her shallowly, an arm around her neck to keep her pressed against his back, the other flicking her clit. 

A sob escapes her throat. “Please,” she cries. “Please come in me. I need it. Please.”

He presses down on her clit, circles it the exact way he did that gave her multiples, and she flies over the edge, screaming and crying, falling back down on her hands. He pounds into her harder than she’s ever been fucked, then stills. His cock pulses as he spills inside her, but he doesn’t make a sound. Won’t give her the satisfaction even of his pleasure. 

When he pulls out, she falls onto her side and curls into a ball, weeps in earnest. If he notices, he doesn’t care. She can hear the sink running, and a moment later, he’s returned with a glass of water. He pulls her to sitting and puts the glass to her lips, tips it back. His other hand is resting on the back of her neck. 

“Good girl, there you go.”

When the water is gone, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. He sets the glass down and guides her onto her back with a gentle hand to her shoulder, spreads open her legs, and wipes her clean with a warm wet cloth. He even inspects her, poking and prodding, as if making sure he didn’t leave any marks.

She can’t say anything, only stare as he touches her like a car that needs fixed. Then he twists off the kerosene lamp. For a second she expects him to tell her to sleep on the floor with the dog, but he only climbs into bed beside her, covers the both of them with blankets, and holds her to his chest. 

“Deal is done,” he says. “Rest now.”

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

She awakens the next morning warm and comfortable, but the second she moves, her entire body resists, muscle pain washing over her. She groans and rolls over, stares outside the little window at the brilliant pink sun bleeding into the sky over the bay. For a second, like last night, she lets herself believe this is her life, waking up each morning surrounded by beauty and books, an hour’s drive away from civilization. She sits up. Ben and Boy are both gone. The shack smells like bacon. She climbs gracelessly down from the platform and over to the table, where breakfast is waiting for her under a cloche. She lifts it to find two fried eggs, bacon, and toast, a mug of black sludge that might be coffee. It’s so bizarrely American it makes her homesick. She eats only slightly slower than the night before, watching the sunrise like she would a television. When she’s finished, she cleans the kitchen the way she’d seen him do it the night before, dishes dried and stacked neatly in their cupboard, fork in a little cup of cutlery by the sink. Then she gets dressed — multiple layers today, who knows what the weather will be — and goes outside, where the SUV is gone. She should be worried. Afraid. Concerned, at the very least. She isn’t. He’ll come back for her. She knows he will. She ventures to the outhouse, which isn’t nearly as bad as she’d anticipated. When she returns, she picks out a book, considers reading through his notebooks but then decides against it — what if he’s done this to other girls? What if he’s written about it? A horrible spark of jealousy flares in her gut, that she distorts instead into disgust. She lifts the first page of the top one, and finds she can’t read his writing anyway. It’s tiny and slanted and fills up the entire page in a massive block of text. It reminds her of him, in a way — a big ugly man in a small beautiful place. In the end, she picks the Dan Brown and feels shitty and basic about it, but whatever. She settles in the folding chair by the firepit and wonders briefly if she’s pregnant. A bubble of laughter escapes her when she thinks darkly, a baby would be the ultimate souvenir. A couple hours later, Ben returns home. She can hear the noisy V8 from a kilometer away. He gets out of the cab and Boy follows. He has a paper grocery bag in hand, stops beside her, and throws a box of Plan B onto her lap. “Sorry,” he says. “Sorry?” “That was dumb. I shouldn’t have come in you.” “You blackmail a desperate hitchhiker into blowing you, then you rape her, and you’re apologizing for coming in me?” “Yeah?” “You’re a monster.” He shrugs. In the light of day he seems less threatening. “Never said I wasn’t.” “You left without me.” “Had to run an errand.” “You could have dropped me off in town.” “I wasn’t heading to Whitianga.” “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I would go anywhere to get away from you.” “You were sleeping.” “I would have woken up.” He shifts the bag to his other hip. “I’m going to head out on the water to catch dinner. You want to come?” “Do I have a choice?” “Of course —” He stops, purses his lips. “Yeah, you have a choice.”  She assesses him. He won’t meet her eyes. “Fine.”

They take Happy Feet and go out on the bay. She brought her book and Ben brought fishing supplies and Boy is whining and barking on the shore. They go so far out, she can no longer see Boy, or any land at all. Only still water and clear sky. It’s colder out here, and her jacket isn’t heavy enough. She curls around herself. “You cold?” he asks as he baits a hook with something that looks squirmy and alive, but not for long. “I’m fine.” He slots the pole into a groove in the boat, takes off his jacket, and hands it to her. When she doesn’t move to take it, he sighs and stands and throws it over her shoulders. “I think you’re lonely,” she says. He picks up the pole again. “I’m not lonely.” “You live in rural New Zealand in a building that would blow away in a light storm. You don’t have a phone or electricity or running water. Your only company is a dog you pretend you don’t even want, and a stack of notebooks filled with illegible scrawl.” When only his jaw clenches in reply, she adds, “You’re American too, but you don’t have a real job, so you’re not a skilled migrant worker, which means you’re not educated. You’re probably not even here legally. You came on a tourist visa and never left. You’re no better than me. In fact, you’re worse, because I plan to leave at some point, but you, you’re trapped.” “Shut up.” “Americans out of America are always running from something. So what’d you do? Are you a rapist back home, too?” “I’m not a rapist.” “You literally are.” “We made a deal.” “And yet I’m still here.” “I’ll take you back as soon as we’re done here.” “Yeah? And how will you feel about that?” He pretends to do something important-looking with a pocket knife and a net, but after a moment, she realizes he’s just keeping his hands busy so he can ignore her. “Picking up a pretty hitchhiker on the side of the road and forcing her to have sex with you,” she says. “I bet I’m the most interesting thing to ever happen to you. And if I’m not, I’m the only thing you’ve had control over in a long, long time.” “I’ll push you off this fucking boat.” She leans in and stares him in the eye. “I dare you.” After a long, tense moment, he glances away first. She takes his shirt in her fist and drags him into her, kisses him with the same ferocity as last night. The boat lifts over a wave, but they stay locked together, kiss so rough she thinks she tastes blood, but doesn’t know whose. When finally he pulls away, her hair still clutched in his hands, he says, “I can’t stand you.” “You don’t want me to leave.” He drags her back into him. The boat tips slightly in one direction and then the other. A fish is pulling at the pole. Ben ignores it. Cora’s cunt is throbbing thinking of his mouth on her again; her heart pounds at the thought of staying, voluntarily, living for a few days or weeks or months or even years with her monster, wanting and needing nothing but food and sex and sleep. “I bought condoms,” he says, gasping, forehead pressed against hers. “No more deals. If you don’t want me, I won’t touch you.” “And when I want to leave, you’ll let me go.” He nods. “But you won’t. I know you. You won’t.”  He presses his lips to hers again. Seagulls cry overhead. In the distance, Boy continues to bark. The boat rocks over the waves, and pushes them further out into the sea.

Chapter 4

Notes:

I was asked for an epilogue. I think last chapter ended the fic at a decent point, but I promised I'd add to it, so here you go!

Chapter Text

He let her go after a week, dropped her off at a hostel in Whitianga. By the time they parted ways, she wasn’t Nothing anymore. She was Cora Hargraves, Ivy League drop-out, daughter of a doctor and rocket scientist, spoiled fucking brat. The girl who could get him hard with just a look, who could ride his face until he thought his jaw would fall off, who could read him like a goddamn book. And now she’s gone. She’d started as a thing for him to break, but by the end, she was the one holding him together.

It’s been six months and he still thinks about her every day. Every time he goes out on the boat, climbs into the SUV, washes the dishes, falls asleep. It all reminds him of her, and she reminds him of how pathetic he is, everything and everyone he’s running from.

In the dead of summer, he heads up to Whitianga for a food run. Boy wasn’t around this morning, so he came by himself, and decides to grab a beer before heading back. It’s good, being around people, even if he doesn’t deserve to be in the company of them, even if he doesn’t allow himself to interact. After all the things he’s done, the people he's killed, he tries not to inflict himself on anyone else.

The bar is an English-style pub, obnoxious as it is, and he takes a seat at the end, away from the crowd. The bartender comes by and he orders a Guinness, watches the football/soccer game on TV. A couple women at the other side of the bar are making eyes at him. He ignores them. A flash of an image darts through his head, Cora on her hands and knees, screaming so loud his ears rang, pussy clenching around him while he barely hung on.

When she left, he pulled her backpack out of the boot and helped lift it onto her shoulders, and she turned around and said, “You were right. You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me.” Then she dragged him in by the shirt and kissed him, a ferocious, painful thing, then shoved him away and left. Out of all the things he regrets, telling her what he was running from is the biggest, and letting her go is pretty far up there too, tied with all the ghosts that keep him up at night.

They fucked every morning and caught dinner every afternoon, got high and watched the sunset together, the stars. They went on walks. He read aloud to her. She pillowed her head in his lap and watched the clouds pass over the water. He taught her how to gut a fish, bait a hook, throw a net. She was the quickest study he’d ever met.

He finishes his first pint and is feeling just sorry enough to order a second. He doesn’t drink much, so halfway through he starts getting a little tipsy, figures he can’t navigate the dark roads with a compromised mind, and has just paid his tab when he hears, “Ben McClorley,” right at his ear.

He turns around and there she is, looking healthy and blonde and pink-cheeked, wavering on her feet. She’s wearing a white shirt and black skirt, a uniform of some kind.

“Was hoping I’d find you around here,” she says.

He thinks he must be hallucinating. He’s too stunned to speak.

“I stayed. Asked around about you. Hot American boy, boat, dog. Pure evil. No one knew who you were.”

“You left,” he finally manages. “You wanted to leave.”

Her exact words had been, You're a monster and I hate you.

She wrinkles her nose. “Kinda hoping you’d kidnap me.” When she seems to realize people might overhear, she leans in closer and whispers, “Force me to live with you in your pathetic little shack, rape me every night.”

“It’s not rape if you want it,” he says.

She shrugs. “We can pretend.” She steps closer, into the V of his legs, runs her fingers through his hair. She smells like whiskey. Just being this close gets him hard. “I can’t stop thinking about you. Should have gone home months ago but I couldn’t stand the thought of it, leaving this country without you. Without seeing you again.”

“Come home with me, baby.” He tries to keep the desperation out of his voice, but he can’t, not when he’s as desperate as he is. “Let me take care of you.”

“Make me.”

He doesn’t need told twice. He takes her out into the warm summer evening and slams her against the side of his SUV, smashes his mouth against hers. He rips open her shirt, buttons flying, yanks down her bra, tweaks her nipples so hard she yelps. They’re in broad view of the rowdy back patio. A couple drunk guys are cheering them on. He lifts his skirt and shoves his hand into her panties, sinks his fingers into her soft wet cunt.

“Soaked for me already, sweetheart,” he says. “You miss my cock?”

“I miss your everything.”

“Want me to fuck you in front of all these people, show them who owns you?”

She nods. They might get arrested, and if that happens, he’ll definitely get deported, and once he's back in the states, arrested, tried, and put on death row, but it’ll be worth it just to get inside her again. He takes her by the hip and spins her around, presses her hard against the passenger door, and pulls down her panties. The rowdy guys are shouting at him to fuck her. Ben is nothing if not a crowd pleaser, so he unzips his fly and pulls his cock out and sinks it into her. She screams, and he claps a hand over her mouth.

“Gonna be a good girl for me?” he says in her ear. “Gonna shut that filthy fucking mouth of yours?”

She nods, and he lets her go. He wants to make this last forever, but he won’t be able to, not with the threat of someone calling the cops, not with her tight cunt fluttering around his cock, not with whatever disgusting thing lives in his heart for her.

She comes without him even touching her clit, whole body shuddering. He holds her up by the hips, her knees giving out, and pounds into her shallow and fast, thinks about that first time, the heady rush of impregnating a stupid empty bimbo at the side of the road, making her weep. He comes hard, saying something about how he’ll never let her go again, how she can stay here with him forever. He's nearly delirious, wondering if he passed out drunk and he’s just imagining this.

He pulls out and steps aside so the boys can get a show, his come dripping out of her pussy, sliding down the insides of her thighs. He whispers, “How does it feel, being all mine again?”

“Right,” she says.

They grab her backpack from a nearby hostel. She falls asleep on the ride home, and when they arrive, he picks her up and brings her inside, lays her on the bed and undresses her. Pretty girl, all his. He wakes her up by fucking her again, still wet with his come. This time it’s easy and slow, and she just lies there and takes it, little whimpers in her throat that grow into low moans. He pulls out and comes on her stomach this time, her tits, her sleepy drunk face, and takes an unspeakable amount of pleasure in cleaning her up, holding her naked body close while she relaxes in his arms.

“I hate you,” she says.

“I know.”

“Everything pales in comparison to — this. I tried finding my love of the road again, but I kept thinking about you. I was more homesick for this place than my own home.”

“I missed you too.”

She opens her eyes and looks at him. “I’m serious. Don’t let me leave again.”

When he'd told her the life he used to lead back home, that he was given jobs and did them without question, bloody brutal deeds — knives, baseball bats, any heavy object in arm's reach, only way he knew to keep food on the table — she looked at him the way he felt, a mirror of his self-perception. It should have hurt, but it was freeing, to tell someone, to allow himself to be judged by her. 

“Consider yourself kidnapped,” he says.

Outside, Boy barks. Cool night air breathes through the open windows. The ocean beats rhythmically against the shore, and Ben tugs the blanket over her shoulder.

 Part 2

Behold, the grave of a wicked man

She woke up early the morning it happened. Unlike the hellish monotony of the last several years, waking up with a cell phone alarm at 7 am. Unlike the days and weeks of the trial, sleeping past noon to avoid the glare of the TV screen. Unlike the 4 am insomniatic defeat of those first nights back in the US. And unlike before. Unlike all the beautiful, sand-sky, timeless mornings that bled into days into evenings into nights, with no clock but the sun and the lips against her back.

It was early.

Still-dark-outside, only-technically-morning early. And there were no stars. The city lights and the shifting clouds had swallowed them like a lover swallows a moan. Only polluted orange light left behind.

She lay under her sheets and unlike all the other mornings, did not try to sleep. She will not find rest again.

And beside it, a stern spirit.

She thought she would have finally panicked, here at the last. She waited for it. Had been waiting since stepping off the plane in Dallas. Wondering each morning if today the regret would overtake her. If today she would open her eyes and see it. What was going to happen. What was happening. It would be the (fourth) third time. She waited for the regret like she used to wait for the fear. Like she used to wonder in between the sex and the simple, easy living when she would see him as a monster again.

She would have thought she would wake up screaming today like she did then. That the pain of the situation would cut her through her spine and she would do something, like she did then. 

Instead, she pushed herself out of bed and made coffee. Shitty American coffee from instant mix and too much milk. Sipped it as she checked her email, tapped out replies and clicked through task lists. Downloaded a report from her junior regional manager. 

She did not check the news. she did not make eggs.

There came a drooping maid with violets, 

For the first year after she left again, he haunted her. She would feel his hands against her skin as she dressed. Hear his voice echo in her ear each time she hung up a phone call. See his muscled figure and his broad shoulders pushing through every crowded sidewalk. His black curly hair among the subway car riders. His dark hungry eyes from the shadows of each bar she found herself in. 

Even into the second year, she ached for his touch. She throbbed and burned in the moments she let control slip. In her new condo making dinner, in the lobby of a job interview, in the grocery store check out line. She would remember, and the want would flood her. A no-limit credit card would have put her back in his arms so easily.

She anticipated his responses every time she breathed to speak. She missed him full-body and tremble. The world she landed back in was so overwhelming she couldn’t think of anything but white sand for miles. She wanted him inside her. And he already was, his place built as firmly as the shack on the bay. 

But the spirit grasped her arm. 

The third year, she focused on the way he hurt her. On the bruises and the fights. The terrible things he did to her. She remembered the rope he tied her with when he thought she was leaving. She remembered his cruelty and his words, the way he cut into her. The way he made her treasure his praise because it came after so many biting remarks. But oh what praise it was.

The fourth year, she tried to forget him. She worked 40 hours a week in a job with a salary and benefits. She took the train at the same time every morning and evening. Dated nice people who were so polite its grinding. She went to therapy. When her mother asked again why she stayed away so long, she said that she met someone and he broke her heart. What was his name, she asked.

The fifth year passed, and she had been away from him longer than she was with him. In her waking moments she only remembered him occasionally. She lived as a byproduct of being alive and wanted no longer. When the FBI knocked on her door asking if she knew Ben McCorley, it was easy to ask them if they’d like water or tea.

“No flowers for him.”

Of course she went to work. It was a Tuesday, no different than any other. She said hello to the doorman and logged on to her computer. Got coffee from the office cafeteria. Made phone calls. Answered emails. Accounting wanted numbers. HR called for a reference for one of her field reps. She gave her six-minute update in the weekly staff meeting. Went back to her desk and filed away the monthly reports.

The maid wept:  "Ah, I loved him.” 

Her mother called her. Her esteemed medical practice profile photo flashed across the screen. She didn’t answer. Her mother knew, sort of. Had asked her about it time and time again. What happened? What did he do to you?  She had been worried and harsh. Frantic under the facade. She had also tried to understand, during the period when she was going to therapy. To help her get over it. Like any good doctor, she had tried a variety of treatments. Threats, apathy, empathy, curiosity, pseudo non-judgement, pseudo non-interest. I just want to know what happened, baby.

To the extent that refusal can be passive, she refused to consider why she was calling. Only swiped the call away with a message. “Can’t talk now.”

But the spirit, grim and frowning: 

She doesn’t remember the car ride to Whitianga or how she got to Auckland. She doesn’t remember the flight to Hong Kong or how much it cost. She doesn’t even really remember why Hong Kong. It was probably just the first one she found. She can’t recall a second of what happened in Hong Kong or the journey from there to California. Then to Dallas.

She does remember Dallas. She remembers that she didn’t leave the plane in California only through knowing she went through customs in Dallas. Too many people, too many questions. She felt the ache for him start as soon as the wheels touched down.

It was probably the accents that saved her. If the man that welcomed her back to the states had been from the Midwest, had talked in loud, harsh angles and pronounced the r in your like it was offensive, she might have turned back right then. Instead, the lilting drawl of the huge white man in a badly-fitting uniform hurried her through the line. She could have drowned in the self-hatred she felt but for the honeyed a’s and open syllables in “Cora Hargrave? Welcome back to America.”

“No flowers for him.”

Mostly, she remembers the way he kissed her the day she left. All force and take. He bit her lips, licked into her, keep her fused to him until she got lightheaded. He put his hands around her throat and she thought he might actually kill her.

He kissed with hate. Hate of himself, hate of her. He kissed viciously. Desperately. Then he let her go. Betrayal. Broken promise. He kept it for five years. “Don’t let me leave again.” Then he drove her to Whitianga because she had demanded it.

Now, this is it — 

At 11:53, she felt something. Something small. A ripple, a stone dropping into shallow water. She clicked away from the tab she was in. Opened a new window. She paused with her fingers over the keys. 11:54. Still no panic. Still no tears. Only resignation. 11:55. What good would it do? To know? She already knows. She tapped his name into the search bar anyway. 11:56.

A picture of his face: the mugshot they took when they brought him back from New Zealand. Hair shaggy, beard grown out. She made it full screen. 11:57. He was staring at her from the photo, eyes lifeless like she had never seen them before. There had always been something behind them when he looked at her. 11:58. She remembered the hunger, the cruelty, the gentleness, the loving. He would not make her feel better about anything. He would be just as sharp with her now as she was with him. The joy, the triumph, the desperation. 11:59. 

She watched the clock tick over into 12:00. Stared at the number because her desktop clock didn’t count seconds. 12:00 PM. She did not breathe deeply. She did not sigh. She closed down the photo and exited the tab. 

If the spirit was just, 

He was and was always a monster. He was the worst thing that had ever happened to her and he deserved it. He deserved nothing less. For the lives he took. For the life he stole–beautiful, ever-loving, warm fed and fucked life on the bay. For what he made her. This. This Nothing. This mid-level manager in a cheap skirt suit. This white American girl who begged a corrupt institution to take her back. This piece of paper and agreeable appearance that got hired. This woman, moonlight and curves. To know the truth of time. To know what living is. To know a love so destructive it makes you. There was no going back. He would burn the way she still did. 

The last thing he said to her was that he didn’t want it. She hung up her office phone before he said what it was. She didn't want to know. What she did was right. She can know that.

Why did the maid weep? 

“Ben McCorley. 42. Convicted on 29 counts of murder, aggravated assault, armed robbery, and conspiracy to commit treason. By unanimous opinion of the jury, he is sentenced to death on June 2nd, 2019. He shall be executed at 12:00 pm noon." 

#bad relationship #abusive relationship #lolita

[biglifequestions-blog]

Big Life Questions

In 1991, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes; an incurable autoimmune disease that would have killed me were it not for the discovery of a breakthrough treatment some 70 years earlier. Had my great grandmother—who lived to be an octogenarian with four grandchildren and eight great grandchildren—been diagnosed with the same condition, natural selection would have swiftly eliminated her and the potential for offspring as unceremoniously as it had thousands of others. By pure chance, my mother, uncle, cousins, brothers, and I would never have been born. Twelve unique progenies, gone; an entire branch of the family tree stunted and withered at the hands of a few faulty genes.

As luck or God or the Universe would have it, I was born at exactly the right moment in history to not only survive type 1 diabetes but thrive. And here I am today at age 29: a walking, talking, breathing, body with blood circulating and nerves firing, alive with not only conscious thoughts, but also feelings, opinions, beliefs, quirks, aptitudes, and proclivities. From this foundation, I’ve created a full and complicated life that includes accomplishments, hobbies, aspirations, and emotional connections to other walking, talking, breathing bodies. That I am even sitting here now in a 600-square-foot apartment in Philadelphia with a Chihuahua named Peanut napping sweetly in my lap, able to freely express myself through the typed English word using an online platform capable of sharing those words with millions of people around the globe, all while my loving husband cooks his take on vegan enchiladas in our tiny kitchen is nothing short of a holy-shit miracle.

I wish I could say that the mind-blowing awareness of my mere existence—never mind the trillions of complex, improbable events that coalesced to have me adopt a Chihuahua—has compelled me to live each of my 10,500+ days on this earth to their absolute fullest. I wish I could say the knowledge of my finite and delicate reality has inspired me to follow my passions, live authentically, and weather life’s storms with grace and fortitude all while dedicating my time and energy toward the betterment of society. Surely a life as precarious as my own would catalyze an ongoing quest to align mind, body, and spirit; to be a role model for overcoming adversity against all odds.

Alas, I am not quite so enlightened.

Last Saturday, for example, I spent the entire day in worn-out sweatpants eating buttered toast and playing Candy Crush on my iPad. Between waiting for more bread to toast, butter to melt, and lives to reload, I scrolled through the bottomless pit that is the /AmITheAsshole sub on Reddit, grappling with the complexity of human social norms while also getting my daily bump of “my life really isn’t so bad” by contrasting my comparatively insignificant problems to the drama of Internet strangers. By sunset, I had succeeded only in eating a half loaf of bread and irritating my husband by finishing off the butter and bringing crumbs into the bed. (AITA?)

I’m sure you’re wondering how I’m able to justify such a flagrant misuse of my time. While I don’t exactly know the answer to that question, I can hazard a guess it’s because I’ve collected enough insignia of a successful life—academic degrees, a wedding ring, my handsome husband, a Pinterest-inspired apartment, stamps in my passport—that the pressure to fill my days with meaningful, enlightened activities has lessened. So long as I continue showing up to work, paying taxes, saying “I love you,” and periodically posting #humblebrags on Twitter about some new promotion or my latest vacation, what does it matter if I occasionally splurge on procrastination and carbohydrates?

…right?

Until last year, I had only peripherally considered that there might be more to life than just achieving and owning things. From high school honors to senior job titles to a committed relationship, these milestones were my markers of success, happiness, and security. I craved them, worked for them, plotted how I would make them happen, and invested all my energy into proving to the world and myself that I was smart, hard-working, lovable, deserving; often to the detriment of my own physical, mental, financial, and spiritual health.

Moreover, I was actively encouraged to seek more of these achievements: to play an instrument in both orchestra and band, attend academic summer camps, double major in college, study abroad, work late, work weekends, work, work, work. I believed these tangible symbols would unlock the secrets to all the Big Intangibles: happiness, passion, fulfillment, security, joy, peace, gratitude, love. And when those fleeting moments of accomplishment came and went, and the Big Intangibles didn’t instantly manifest, I turned to my old, worn copy of the “Perfect Life Checklist” (which I wrote myself at the age of 10) and chose my next goal to appease the restlessness and disappointment in my heart.

And then, after years of sacrificing sleep and sanity to acquire these tangibles, it all came to a climax in May 2018: I had just graduated from a prestigious university with my master’s degree, was months away from marrying my soulmate, and had just been offered a dream job in a new city. Life was perfect or as perfect as I could have contrived. I awoke in my fiancé’s bed the morning after graduation expecting to feel elated, happy, fulfilled; or at the very least, well-rested and content. It was the first Tuesday in perhaps my entire life that I technically had nothing to do and I felt completely, inexplicably…. empty. 

Where was the happiness I was promised; the light at the end of the tunnel I built, brick by brick? I felt a sudden urge to laugh followed by the very real experience of tears. 

And then, in response to those tears, a harrowing, gut-wrenching, pass-me-the-wine-no-the-whole-bottle question materialized before me as if posed by some older, wiser, separate self: Who would you be without all these labels, titles, and accomplishments?

Who am I?

The answer that came was enough to make me want to dive under the covers and let the carbon dioxide build up around me.

Before I go any further, I want to recognize that despite living with a chronic illness, the problems and concerns I’m describing here are distinctly privileged-people-problems. I understand and appreciate that my ability to grapple with questions about my identity and personal fulfillment are luxuries only possible because of that privilege. I don’t have to worry about basic necessities like where I’m sleeping tonight or from where my next meal will come. I don’t wake up worrying about whether I might get arrested, mugged, shot at, or bombed if I walk out my front door or if I might be persecuted for my skin color, openly practicing my religion, or loving who I love. That I even have health insurance to afford the medication that keeps me alive is a blessing that I am keenly aware not everyone with my disease has.

Yet it’s precisely this knowledge—that other people who were born into different circumstances must work a hundred times harder and maybe not ever get to the point I find myself at now—that makes answering these Big Life Questions even more important. With all my privilege and so few barriers standing in the way of me living a magnificent, inspirational, blessed life of service and passion, why am I not making every day, hour, and minute count?

I pondered that question again a few months ago when I was asked to give a presentation at an all-employee meeting for work. “All-employee” meaning, of course, the entire company; hundreds of people in-person and remote gathered in one moment to critically judge my outfit, throat-clearing tic, and the way I pronounce “gala”—or at least, that’s what it felt like. A naturally nervous public speaker, I practiced obsessively to minimize the risk of forgetting my own name and spent copious time working through every worst-case scenario. In the shower, on the train, before bed, in my dreams; I worried and rehearsed that speech so many times that my ultimate irrational fear of a light fixture falling from the ceiling and concussing me mid-word could have come to fruition and my lips would have continued mouthing statistics while my hands, of their own accord, gesticulated to slide 5 bullet point 2 at the 20-minute mark exactly as rehearsed.

This exercise was, like many of my endeavors, not borne out of passion and commitment to a good cause, but a calculated attempt to take on another “professional development opportunity” in the hopes that it would indirectly increase the likelihood of my future happiness by one, maybe two, percent. Because more responsibility at work = more money = more success, stability, and therefore infinite happiness, right? The irony of all this calculation is that an activity I expected to yield happiness had the unintended consequences of increasing my stress levels by 1000 percent and costing valuable time with my friends and family. 

And tell me, what exactly is the point of investing all this energy and being so completely exhausted if there’s no greater good, higher purpose, or feeling happy and inspired before, during, and after? What’s the point of tackling any endeavor if it’s only going to lead to a buttered toast/social media binge to cover the feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction?

Until now, I’ve asked but not fully grappled with these Big Life Questions. But I want to. I want to wrestle and spar, analyze and critique until awareness turns into action and potentially transformation. In my short life I’ve had the opportunity to answer some medium life questions whose answers led to amazing, unexpected changes. Questions like, “What more do you have to lose?”, “Would you be willing to relocate?” and “Will you marry me?” I’ve answered and then watched life shift miraculously to accommodate my new conceptualization of what’s possible. And now, I feel myself standing at the edge of another new conceptualization with an ever-present awareness of my own potential, mortality, limitations, limitlessness, and connection to the rest of humanity. 

This blog is a chronicle of my attempts to answer and act on life’s biggest questions, including, but not limited to:

Who am I?

What is my greater purpose in life?

How can I find joy in the mundane?

How can I make the most of every day?

How can I be kinder to myself in deed and thought?

How can I honor and love my body?

How can I love unconditionally?

How can I forgive myself and others?

How can I overcome my fears?

How can I have more faith?

How can I live in the present moment more often?

How can I align my career and work with my passions and higher purpose?

How can I be of service to others?

If you decide to follow along, I hope my words can provide some perspective on how to begin answering your own BLQ’s, even if what I’m describing is a case study in what not to do. Consider what follows to be a record of hard lessons learned, a magnifying glass for bad habits, an arena for confronting fears and traumas, a whiteboard for exploring crazy ideas, and with a little luck and determination, a launching pad into the magnificent, inspirational, blessed life of service and passion I hope to live.

#biglifequestions #selfhelp #selflove #newblog #type1diabetes #consciousness #sprirituality #happiness #searchformeaning

[l0chn3ss]

Altair

2019, please be kind to me. New year new MaStar for @se-rarepair-day

Jan 2019 Prompt: Shine

“These stars are eternal but never unmoving.”

She smiles to Star, though he can’t figure out why.

Star gazer. Sky seeker. Cloud watcher.

He adjusts his telescope to focus on the shifting lights. It blurs before any real progress is made, and Black Star groans slightly, letting go of the knobs entirely to sit back. He lost it again, just as it was coming to view.

How annoying.

Though stargazing is a test of patience, he grumbles and flicks an ant off the side of his patio table in cold blood. He just wasn’t good at that.

There’re only a few moments until the sun arises and when the equinox is over, when his favorite constellation slips out of view. It’s a smaller one, a lesser formation. His adoptive parents told him that it wasn’t one found through popular pages on the internet or books charting the stars. Instead it’s an ancient one, a sailor’s tale and midwife’s warning.

Though lost in history, it remains immortal through word of mouth.

That and various others like her.

But his parents didn’t live under the arachnid’s gaze or the archer’s bow, so their stories were meaningless to him.

It was under the Grigori’s light where they first kissed, just as she emerged in the sky with the colder air.

After tonight, she would be gone until the next equinox. He didn’t want that, but that’s the cycle of stars. It just makes their next meeting so much more damning.

He sets down his coffee and resigns to his eyes.

He hasn’t yet figured out how to use the telescope. Birthday present or not, his parents should’ve left him with easy instructions before going on abroad.

At the edge of the town, he saw a faint glow of morning.

Black Star strains to see the Grigori for the last time, for as long as he could, until it disappears from sight.

She peels away from the sky and drops when it’s too bright to see.

When her feet touch the ground and her hands feel the brisk air, she breathes out her first puff of fog. Her stars were still warm beneath her flesh, skin still tingling from forming.

She feels lucky that all is made of stardust. It’d make a boring trip to the mortal realm if she couldn’t have this form.

She chooses a look that she imagined once during a half moon. Green eyes and dark blond hair will do her just fine. A lock of gold falls over her eyes, so she shortens it to rest above her brow while she lets some go to tickle her shoulders. Pigment edges through to the surface and turns her fair. She shapes her toes to be swift and her fingers to be careful.

Her attention moves on. Face round as the moon and long limbs to reach the sky. Long lashes that she wanted so badly from her last visit to satisfy her. Small waist. Proportional frame. Height of a young fir.

This time, she decides, she will be “Maka.”

She summons a copy of what she sees the mortals wearing just before she descended, then goes into the sleepy town to give it sunrise.

He yawns through his fingers and feels a pull at his others. The girl he’d met only recently was there at the end of his hand.

“You still sleepy?” she asks.

“Nah. Was just up late.”

“Ironic, since your name is Black Star.”

“How so?”

She sighs, “Never mind. Just show me around here like you promised. I only have a few months to spend here.”

He groans, suppressing another yawn. “You got a pretty weird summer break if it’s 6 months long. Why spend it here?”

“I was at a city last time,” she ponders. “And a busy port before that. I guess I just want some quiet before going back home.”

“Sounds like you travel a lot.”

“Something like that.”

Her smile reaches her sage green eyes, and Black Star swallows a lump in his throat he didn’t know he had.

He takes her to his spot, where he met his first love, he explains. He sits her down whilst holding her hand, and then guides her to the eye piece of the telescope. When she raises her eyebrow in question, Star nudges her back.

“Look.”

And she peeks in, only to pull back a giggle.

“It’s unfocused.”

Black Star scratches the back of his head and looks away. “Yeah, I haven’t quite figured it out.” He glances back to see her hand already fiddling with the focus knobs at the side, twisting the finder with nimble hands. “You’ve done this before,” he says, not a question.

“A little,” she murmurs, not looking away.

Sighing, he rests back against his chair. “Damn. I can’t believe I was outshone on our 6th date.”

“7th, if we include our first meeting.”

He snorts. “That hardly counts.”

She hums in the teasing way he’s grown to know, and he knows he’s already lost. A moment of silence passes before she tells him, “You never told me how you met her.”

“Who?”

“Your first love.”

He turns away, uncharacteristically bashful. “It’s not a her.”

The girl takes her eyes off her work for a brief moment but returns to it. “Then, what?”

“It’s the stars,” he says quickly. “Grigori.”

Her lack of movement calls his attention back, and she’s truly watching him now.

Star stammers, “Look. It’s cheesy— no, look, ok.” Color speckles his cheeks. “God—It’s just the first constellation my pops pointed out to me, alright? I just see it all the time and I’ve just— I don’t know.” He hears laughter before he can go on any further. “It’s just how it be, geez.”

His date, once quieted, asks, “The Grigori? Why not Orion or Hercules?”

“I didn’t choose it, God. It just is.”

“Then,” she cocks her head towards him and shifts her shoulders, “if it were a she, and she were here, what would you say?”

He tilts his head back to the darkened sky. It takes him a moment to answer. “I don’t know. But it’s—If it were a she, and if she were with me, I think I’d—I’d be in love with her. I think.”

She doesn’t answer that. Instead, she goes back to fiddle with the controls. “She—well, it isn’t a summer constellation, so you can look here while you wait for its return.” She pushes her chair away from the table, enough for Star to lean in over her.

Just before he peers in, he says, “I didn’t know anyone else knew Grigori. Not exactly a mainstream name.”

“I’ve heard it around before.”

He accepts the answer. “So, what am I looking at?”

“A star,” she jokes.

“Har,” he responds dryly, taking another look.

It was bright, and though it was far, it’s blue light was sharpened and clear. It stood out against the white sparkles behind it. He wonders why he didn’t notice it before amongst the night.

“Vega,” she says finally with her arms crossed and bare eyes focused the distant star. “Just a friend I haven’t seen in a while. Just in case you didn’t know, her story is a tragic one.”

“That sucks.”

She nods, and once he moves, she goes to shift the telescope. “It’s how it is for people of the stars.”

“I guess you know a lot about them? Star facts and stuff. Like myths?”

A blink and then a giggle later, she says, “Something like that. But you know, these stars are eternal, but never unmoving.”

She smiles to Star, though he can’t figure out why. It was like her own inside joke that she shared with no one else.

“Let’s hope she can meet her Altair this year, okay?”

“Who?”

“Never mind. I’m hungry though. You got food in this town that’s open late?”

“Skipper’s, if you’re down for 24 hour breakfast foods.”

They are half way there when Black Star feels her hand tightening around his. The street lights hardly catch on her face, but he looks away.

“You know, this may be our 8th,” she wonders aloud.

“Our 8th what?”

“Date.”

“Why?”

“Well, if you include our first meeting.”

His eyes must be playing tricks on him, because he swears her eyes were laughing like the knowing stars.

She returns to the sky at the eve of fall. Though she is only of the stars, she decides to visit this strange Black Star next time.

“Maka?” he will greet her in confusion, but not objection.

“Black Star,” she will give to him. “I’m back.”

TBC

#is this real #nessie spills #soul eater #soul eater not #soul eater fandom #serarepairdays #mastar #maka x blackstar #makaxblackstar #blackstar x maka #it be like that

[lumiolivier]

The Good Old Days Chapter 31: Meet Me in Monaco

A/N: We interrupt this adventure of Lumi sluttin around on the internet for what she actually does on the internet. Enjoy, my loves. Enjoy.

I couldn’t sleep. There was no chance in hell I’d be sleeping tonight. Fuck Christmas morning. Christmas morning had nothing on this. After a trip to church that I may or may not have fallen asleep in the middle of, but don’t tell Mama, and more food than what one person should ever have a right to, I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. Nothing. Even if I were to do a couple tequila shots, I wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. That’s what the flight can do. I always slept like a baby on airplanes anyway.

Even though it was freezing balls outside (got to love that snow off the harbor chill), I sat outside on the fire escape and looked over the city. Particularly toward Manhattan. When she was still here, I’d look in the direction of the Scarlotti estate, wondering what Vanessa was up to. If she was asleep or awake like me. If she was sleeping, what her dreams looked like. Whenever I’d look toward Manhattan, I’d feel like I was home. But it wasn’t Manhattan calling me.

I couldn’t wait to get on that plane. Goddamn, I couldn’t wait to get on that plane tomorrow morning. You have no idea what’s coming to you, baby. Because…Fuck, I couldn’t wait to see you again. You’ve only been gone for a few months. If I can manage to sneak away just for a day, it’ll be entirely worth it. Even if it means seeing her for just a minute or two. I might get greedy and beg for an hour, but fuck, I can’t wait to see her again.

“What the hell are you doing out here?” César popped the window open, lighting a cigarette to keep himself warm.

“Thinking,” I told him, “Heavy head tonight.”

“I figured,” he leaned against the brick, “Hard time sleeping, Frankie?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “Kind of.”

“What’s eating you?”

“I wouldn’t say anything’s really eating me,” I vented, “It’s more like…”

“Like Mama told us we were going to Disneyland when we were kids?” César figured, “Only this time, it’s something much bigger and better waiting for you than Anaheim?”

“Oh, fuck yeah,” I sighed out, “Definitely.”

“Can I ask you a question?” he blew out a little cloud of smoke, “And you answer me honestly?”

“Sure,” I allowed, “What’s up?”

“You’re not sending us to Spain out of the goodness of your heart, are you?” César caught on too quickly, “There are totally ulterior motives here.”

“Is it that obvious?” I giggled a bit, “Yeah, I have ulterior motives. Not that it’s not going to be great to see the family again, but…I mean…Come on, César. She’s right there. Just across the Mediterranean.”

“And you’d swim it if it meant seeing her,” he figured.

“Yeah…”

“You do know you can’t swim, right, Frankie?” César pointed out so kindly.

“I’d learn quick.”

“Or you’d drown.”

“Fuck off,” I rolled my eyes, shoving my brother’s head into the wall. Not enough to cause damage, but enough to make a point, “You get my point, though.”

“Yeah, I know,” César agreed, “I miss Vanessa, too. She was nice to have around here for a while.”

“And you’re not the one that was going to propose to her the night she left…” I grumbled.

“Excuse me?” he perked up, “What was that? Because if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were going to propose to Vanessa.”

“I am going to propose to Vanessa,” I confessed, “Did I not tell you this?”

“Not that I remember.” And that means Mama is a steel trap. She always has been. And I love her for it, “And I’m pretty sure I would’ve remembered you saying you were going to propose to her. When was this a thing?”

“We’ve been dating damn near a year, César,” I shrugged, “I mean, I know it seems kind of soon, but I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life. I’ve had enough bullshit thrown my way to know when something good comes my way. Because I can’t just let her roll off my back. I can’t let her go. It’s bad enough she’s in Italy right now, but I couldn’t take that opportunity away from her. And she made it clear she was leaving with or without my permission. I’m just glad she told me about it. And she sounds so fucking happy there. I can’t take that away because I don’t want to be away from her. That’s what this trip is all about. And of course, seeing the family again. Because…What the hell? We’re right there.”

“Hey,” César thought for a moment or two, “Speaking of Vanessa, I haven’t seen little Vanessa around lately either.”

“Because she took off for Italy last week,” I remembered, “Her, Violet, their parents…They have family abroad, too. But you don’t see me threatening INS on them. Fuck them. Except for Veronica because she’s an angel that can do no wrong.”

“How’s Tessa handling that?”

“I haven’t heard from Tessa in a while.” When Veronica left, it was nothing for me to see Tessa hanging around the Narrows when her band wasn’t playing. Mostly because she just needed a friend. She and I both had a type and our types were across the Atlantic, “She’s managing. But I make sure she’s doing alright when she comes into the office.”

“That’s good,” César finished his cigarette, “You really should get some sleep, hermanito. We got a long flight in a few hours.”

“So, I sleep on the plane,” I brushed him off, “I’ll order a drink and be sleeping like a baby by the end of the runway. Don’t worry about me, César. I got it handled.”

“Someone needs to worry about you once in a while,” he got up from the fire escape and climbed back through the window, “What the hell? Why not me? Now, get your ass inside before you freeze.”

“Fine, fine,” I rolled my eyes, blowing a quick kiss to Manhattan. Not much longer, mi amor. I’ll have you back in my arms and the world can go back to spinning again.

By the time we were all ready, I was starting to regret not sleeping last night. Oh, yeah. Mistakes were made. No amount of coffee would be able to correct the atrocities that have ensued because of my poor life choices. After making our way through TSA (and Tony being the lucky winner of the “random” additional search. Fortunately, he didn’t have anything on him. As far as the TSA agent knew anyway. Tony might not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but he knew how to get out of almost anything), we made our way to first class and got comfortable. Even though I was barely coherent.

“Francisco?” Mama checked me over, “Are you alright, mijo?”

“Yeah, Mama,” I brushed her off, “I’m alright. Just a little tired. That’s all.”

“Gee, Frankie…” César smirked, “It’s almost as if someone didn’t go to bed last night. If I didn’t know any better…”

“Not. Another. Word.” I growled at him. At this point, I wasn’t afraid to throw hands with my brother. I don’t care how much bigger he is than me. I will fucking destroy him. The Old Man can vouch for me on that one. He’s seen me on my bad days in the Narrows. He purposefully puts me out in the warehouse on my bad days in the Narrows. And what does that get us? Usually blood on the concrete and occasionally on my shoes, but that gets taken care of quickly.

“Francisco…” And that’s what I was trying to avoid. Because I knew if Mama found out I wasn’t sleeping, she’d start to worry. Mama didn’t need to worry. This was a good inability to sleep, not a bad one, “How much sleep did you get last night?”

I wasn’t going to lie to her. Because Mama could smell that shit from a mile away, “Maybe a couple hours. Can you blame me? How long has it been since we’ve been home?”

“It has been a few years,” Mama agreed, “I didn’t sleep well last night either. I can’t blame you. Are you feeling ok?”

“Amazing,” I admitted, “Just kind of tired.”

“Get some sleep, cariño,” she ordered, “I’ll wake you when we land, ok?”

“Ok,” I made myself comfortable in the seat and leaned it all the way back. First class seats were so much better to sleep on than coach. God bless you, Old Man. This is why you’re my favorite. Where better to have dreams of the woman I loved and was about to see soon? At least I sure as hell hope I would. But it had me thinking, “Hey, Mama?”

“Si, niño?” she asked, “Que es?”

“Do you know how far it is from Barcelona to Rome?” I wondered.

“It’s…” Mama thought for a moment or two, “Ay, dios…It’s a ways. Maybe fourteen hours by train.”

That’s a little far for a day trip. Or even a weekend trip, “Do you know what the halfway point between them is?”

“That’s probably…Monaco?” Mama figured, “Monaco sounds right. Monaco is about seven hours on a train from Barcelona.”

Monaco…I can do Monaco. I could dream of Monaco. I could dream of a beautiful hotel with a well stocked bar. A nice glass of scotch (because the Old Man has me hooked now). The New Year’s fireworks going off over the water and an eagle eyed view. But then…I could definitely dream of a heartbreakingly gorgeous creature at the end of the bar in a cocktail dress with those incredible dancer’s legs of hers that went on for days. The voice that I wanted reading me bedtime stories for the rest of my life. The eyes that could bring down regimes, if she so wished. But that’s just a backup plan for if her sharp tongue and sharper wit doesn’t stab a hole in the previous leader.

I like those dreams.

“Francisco…” Mama whispered gently, “Francisco…Despierta, cariño. Estamos en casa…”

“Buenos dias, Mama,” I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus, but it was totally worth it. The solid eight hours of sleep did me wonders, but the jet lag has me worried, “Que hora es?”

“It’s shortly after eight,” she took my hand, “You slept the whole flight. Are you sure you’re feeling ok?”

“Positive,” I pulled myself onto my feet, “What about you? You doing ok?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” Mama brushed me off, “You don’t need to worry about me. Are you ready?”

“As ready as I’m going to be.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled to be back in Barcelona. I was barely out of high school the last time we were here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt the Spanish sun on my skin. Even though it’s already eight o’clock and all we have is moonlight, but tomorrow’s a new day. I refused to let jet lag get to me. And I’d be fine. The second we get to wherever we’re staying tonight, I’ll be able to go back to sleep and be right as rain in the morning.

Because God forbid the Old Man spared any expense (I still stand firmly in the position that I am still not the Old Man’s sugar baby.), we had a limo waiting for us the second we walked out of the airport. Oh, Spanish nights…How I missed you so. I loved New York. As far as anyone asked, I’m proudly Williamsburg gutter trash and that will never ever change. But nothing beats when we come home. I wasn’t quite sure where Mama told our driver to take us, but sometimes, her words run together. Especially when she’s speaking Spanish. And she’s over the moon to be back here, so of course, everything’s going to run together.

However, when we pulled up to a cozy little house on the outskirts of town, I knew right then and there we were home. Although, I probably should’ve given a little more warning we were coming. Because this could very well break the man on the other side of the door. Poor planning on Frankie’s part. And Frankie knew that. And he’s a little disappointed in himself, but I’m sure we’ll still be more than welcomed in with open arms (and smart Frankie booked a damn nice hotel, so if shit goes sideways, we don’t have to stay in it). Mama was the one to knock on the door. The music inside was still pretty loud, so it’s not like everyone’s asleep.

“Dios mio…” an older man clutched his chest, “Sariña!”

“Alejandro!” Mama hugged tight, “Sopresa, hermano. Estoy en casa.”

“Tio!” Out of the extensive family on Mama’s side, Tio Alejandro was one of the coolest people I have ever met in my life. Not to mention, one of the few people in the family that spoke fluent English. He’s been all over the world with the Peace Corps and seen so many things. But still, at the end of the day, he couldn’t help but come home.

“Feliz de tenerte en casa de nuevo, niños,” he hugged my brothers and me tight. We were the favorites. And dammit, if we didn’t know it. Did it piss the primos off? Oh, hell yeah. But we were Tio’s favorites. He never had any kids of his own, but after Papá died, according to César, he stepped up and stepped up big for us. He put his adventures on hold and came home to help Mama to the best of his ability.

“Tambíen te extrañé, hermano,” Mama curled into his shoulder.

“Come in!” Tio insisted, “Please, make yourselves comfortable. How have things been?”

“Wonderful,” Mama gushed, “Oh, Alejandro, we have so much to catch up on. So many things have happened since we’ve seen you last…”

“Speaking of,” I stepped in, “Tio, do you mind if I borrow your phone? I kind of have someone that’s worried about me and my physical wellbeing and I’d hate to keep that someone waiting.”

“Sure,” Tio allowed, “Go ahead, Francisco. You’re more than welcome to it.”

“Gracias.” I left my mother and my brothers in the living room with my uncle and went into the kitchen. I know I have Vanessa’s Italy number on me somewhere. I felt around in my jacket pockets and found something just as good. A little note that told me she was being watched and to give her a call sometime…I love her. But in the other pocket, I found what I was looking for. She’s going to lose her shit when she finds out where I am.

“Ciao…” her voice chimed on the other end.

“Hey, baby,” I melted inside. I missed her.

“Frankie?” Vanessa squeaked, “Where the hell are you? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the last two hours!”

“Sorry,” I smiled, “I’m not home right now…Well…Not home home.”

“You’re working already?” she awed, “The Old Man can’t let you have a night or two off, can he?”

“It’s not that,” I felt my heart skip a beat or two, “I’m not in the Narrows, Ness. I’m somewhere so much better. More importantly, what are you up to right now?”

“I’m about to go get dinner with the family,” Vanessa grumbled, “Lucky me, right? It’s not the end of the world. At least I got Veronica. Yeah! I forgot to tell you. My family decided to fly in for Christmas. I don’t know if you’ve ever done Christmas mass at the Vatican, Frankie, but it’s exhausting…And in Latin. My Latin isn’t nearly as good as what it used to be. I don’t need Catholic guilt on me. But enough about that. What about you? What are you up to?”

“Better question,” I turned it around on her, “What do you have planned for New Year’s?”

“I’m sure my mother’s going to want to drag me out for one reason or another,” I could hear that girl roll her eyes from here, “But honestly, I think I’m going to try my damnedest to stay in.”

“I got a better idea,” the phone shook in my hand, “How about you take a train to Monaco instead? That sounds much better than staying in by yourself and you get to escape your mother for a while.”

“It does,” she sighed out, “But why the fuck do I want to go to all the way to Monaco for New Year’s? I could hole up in a different part of Italy. I could hide in Malta for a while. I got options, Frankie. Why would you suggest Monaco?”

“I promise it’ll be worth the trip,” I insisted, “You should go to Monaco for New Year’s.”

“Why…?”

“Because,” I rocked back on my heels, “I’m at my uncle’s house in Barcelona and I thought…Maybe you’d want to go to Monaco for New Year’s. I promise you, Vanessa. It will be well worth the trip.”

“Frankie…” Vanessa let out a little gasp, “No. No fucking way. You’re screwing with me, aren’t you?”

“I’m not.”

“Alright,” she still wasn’t believing me, but I’m sure I could convince her somehow, “If you’re not screwing with me, I want you to look at a clock right now and tell me what it says.”

“It’s eight-thirty,” my voice broke, “What about where you are?”

The quiet on the other end of the phone made me nervous. And the light sobbing broke my heart. But I think it might be worth it. Goddamn, do I hope this was worth it, “I think it’s time for us to meet in Monaco.”

#the good old days #oc backstory #fan fiction prequel #mafia au #switch #for the family

[tarysande]

30 Questions

The lovely @ferociousqueak and the lovely @thunderheadfred tagged me for this!

RULES: Answer 30 questions. If you want to pick up the tag, please do.

Nicknames: My name is so short it doesn’t lend to nicknames. My husband calls me honey bunny?

Gender/pronouns: she/her

Star sign: Scorpio sun/Cancer rising/Sagittarius moon

Height: 5′8″

Time: 3:54 p.m.

Birthday: October 24

Favorite bands: Sigur Ros, early Mumford & Sons, the National ... these kinds of favorites are too hard for me.

Favorite solo artist: I dunno man. Is it a girl and an instrument singing sad, melancholy songs with good lyrics? Is it a boy and an instrument singing sad, melancholy songs with good lyrics? Or someone just making sad, melancholy instrumental music? Then I probably like them.

Song stuck in your head: The War by SYML (whom I am seeing in concert tonight!)

Last movie you watched?: (at home) Pane e Tulipani (Bread and Tulips). For the 20th time. (in theatre) The Shape of Water.

Last show?: I can’t remember if I watched Lucifer or The Expanse last. 

Why did you create your blog?: Because fandom was moving away from LiveJournal. I thought I would just lurk. Ha ha.

What do you post?: Mass Effect, Dragon Age, fic, writing stuff/advice, positivity, pretty dresses, foxes, a bit of Wonder Woman, Lucifer, Iceland...

Last thing you googled?: The name of a drug from the paper I’m editing (they had capitalized it wrong, as I suspected).

Other blogs: A certain blog related to a certain gift exchange (and its host). A writing blog with nothing in it (I keep meaning to post writing things there with better records and tags but I don’t). I squat on my firstnamelastname tumblr. A dead LJ. A dreamwidth I don’t use. A defunct Mass Effect blog that did appreciation weeks. A couple of dormant blogs I meant to use when I was living abroad.

AO3: Indeed.

Do you get asks?: I do. I did? I used to get more, back when I was BETTER AT RESPONDING.

How did you get the idea for your URL?: I’ve been tarysande on the internet since the internet was a thing. Tarysande is a character I created when I was 14. If you see a tarysande on the internet, it’s probably me.

I follow: 277 but I feel like a lot of them have gone quiet. I keep meaning to add more. (I can only follow people who tag, though. It’s amazing how many people don’t tag.)

Followers: About 2700 (ha ha ha) but only about 50-100 show any indication of actually engaging. (You guys can talk to me, I don’t bite.)

Average hours of sleep: 8-9. Yeah, you read that right. As someone who has spent most of her life as a raging insomniac, it’s like some kinda magic.

Lucky number: 7, 9, 3 and their iterations.

Instruments: My voice. I’d like to learn piano and cello.

What are you wearing?: Teal dress, navy leggings, reddish camisole, teal-and-fox scarf, white petticoat (floofy!!). No shoes. I’m still at home. Teal watch band on my Apple watch. @dragonsworncosmetics Mr. Ibis and Technical Boy nailpolish.

Dream job: Professional novelist who brings in enough that I don’t need a second job. Unless that second job also involved creating things I’m interested in: graphic novels (as a writer), film, TV, theatre, mentoring other creators.

Dream trip: Basically, I’d like to be traveling all the time. I might take my next dream trip later this year: England, Scotland, Ireland, with a possible stop in Iceland.

Favorite food: How dare you make me choose? I love everything. For comfort, probably a gooey grilled cheese and rich tomato soup.

Significant other?: Indeed!

Last book I read: One Dark Throne, by Kendare Blake

Top 3 fictional universes: Mass Effect, Dragon Age, my owwwwwwnnnnnnnnn

#memery #about me

[captaindoubled]

Long ass post but I’m in mobile so forgive me: Hella Black Panther spoilers below

It’s been long enough I think so Black Panther Hot Take (tm) that i haven’t seen yet (direct me to someone’s posts/article if they are on the same track) :

It was about terrorism. Or, more the making of terrorists. Sure they had criminals and thieves with Klaue (or however Becky Sue white way they spelled it) but Erik was basically Wakanda’s first terrorist.

The language they used to describe his father was very much in line with they way folks describe terrorists, being “radicalized”. It’s always used in news to mean “when they they turned crazy” when it’s always been “when the straw finally broke and they demand change by any means, even violent ones”

Black Panther didn’t treat terrorist as faceless bad guys to pop off like in other movies and something they “””tried””” to do a bit in the other marvel movies to an extent but failed. Erik was a terrorist with a face. Erik was family. He was rightfully part of that community, Wakandan royalty really (the only way he could be closer to new King T’Challa was to be his brother but that woulda been corny) and through isolation and loss funneled his hurt into anger into violence. Sure he hated Wakanda for what it did (or didn’t do) to help black people around the world but he deep down hated what it did to him. He was left an orphan without guidance. Many terrorist learn what they do from “””legitimate””” state militaries, and so did Erik. Old Tolkien White even seemed slightly proud when he announced that Erik was “one of there” as far as a military person and the skills they trained into him. Being in the military only radicalized him more, like many other terrorist.

People were hot brink mad over “Killmonger was right” because Nakia was right and they felt it ignored her and i get that buuuut, I’ll throw in that Nakia would have never been listened to, even with T’Challa head over foot for her, without Erik. He was Wakanda’s mistake. Their near fatal flaw. It took one person, first his dad, then him, to break Wakanda down to the ground. Poor oppressed people around the world are sad to look at sure, but by Wakanda isolationist principles, they are not their problem and so they only have to worry about their own country (America first anyone??) They were fine with the rest of the world thinking it was a dirty dust bowl because it kept them safe. But all it took was for one person to know about Wakanda, it’s wealth and it’s ability to help the rest of the black people they just let, suffer by hands of the rest of the world and people within Africa.

Nakia was radicalized in her own way because she just did not live in Wakanda the same way people just give their shit away and live on nothing and devote their entire life, body and soul to helping. They are helping people but Nakia was putting herself in unbelievable danger to fight the entire world alone and that’s not good for her. But because she lived in Wakanda, her actions were on aid because she had the means.

Erik had nothin, was shooting hoops in a milk crate and the higher he climbed, the harder it was for anyone bring him back down.

All it took for T’Chaka to decide that Erik wasn’t worthy was for him to be born outside of Wakanda. Isolation is a major contributor to people becoming terrorist. And yes, even white boy terrorist as awful as their are, people pray on their isolation. First generation, second gen, American born immigrants deal with the isolation of their family original homes as well as isolation and oppression from their communities and turn to people that promise that the people that hurt them will pay.

I saw a post a day or so back criticizing the idea that Erik was a product of toxic masculinity and I’d have to agree and disagree with them. When you see just looking at Erik as a dude, sure, that’s not all enough to say the reason he’s the way he is was just toxic masculinity, but when you look at him as a terrorist then yes! He’s absolutely the product of toxic masculinity.

Just breaking it down in girl/boy binary, girls tend to talk through their problems (which can leads to rumination [[which is probably the word lots of folks are looking for when they critique “”tumblr’s”” anti recovery culture]] which is bad and prevents recovery but gives them a chance to vent out some stress) or they internalize which leads them to just hurt themselves (Nakia putting her self in straight danger on the regular to help people [[The fact that T’Challa made her the head of the Wakanda outreach center basically in my opinion will save her life because she’d end up dead at a young age in the way she was going]])

While dudes external, which everyone knows, but also they internalize as well, which starts the whole thing in the first place. Toxic masculinity says don’t reach out for help, or talk to anyone and internet conversations that are basically anonymous give them a place to vent without feeling judged and that’s where a lot of radicalization happens now a days. Erik didn’t talk to nor really trust anyone with his plans and even at the end, he was still in so much pain that and anger and fear to do better or that it could be better, he decided to die instead.

But my biggest biggest support for the idea that it was about terrorism was M’Kabi. He was, as the movie progressed, being radicalized into being a terrorist. All he needed was for someone, anyone, to give him some justice for what was done to him (again framed around the criminal Klawfoot and what he did to Wakanda but really, what he did to my family). M’Kabi wasn’t so far gone because he had people that loved him, and he still loved Wakanda and so he was able to stand down, and even with the people not liking his character I found him just as sympathetic as Erik or another other character because he was hurting, and redirected his energy into someone he thought would change things. (Why we have trump tbh. So many Bernie voters when he lost the primary switched to Trump because they wanted changed, stupid but I understand).

Hell, even if Civil War hadn’t intended it, they got half right the plot line that set up for Black Panther with him and the dude that set in motion the movie ( like I said earlier with MCU tried but failed). He understood WHY he did it, they framed his conversation in a weird way, but I think that showed before he was going to be able to understand Erik in Black Panther because that’s old dude was another terrorist, Erik this time was just very close to home and family.

Before the NSA or FBI come knocking st my door, I’m writing this last part as a analysis of Black Panther in comparison to the US, leave me be please:

The US and other “first world counties” are just going to have more terrorist, either home grown ones are from abroad because they have the means to fix the root cause of problems, but choose not to. And that’s way creates terrorist. Like, even if they brought Erik to Wakanda, what if Nakia never came back to Wakanda and had a child outside of the country, what would happen to her child? What about another Wakandan? The problem was Wakanda’s isolation, not who the person was. The problem was the have the means as ability to help all of Africa for one, but chose not to for their own protection. People that either need help in the way of resources, mental health care, or just respect and assurance that they have the right to exist and not have these ideal capitalist life styles shoved in their face and are failures when they can’t change it. (America creates a shit ton of white cishet male terrorist, they know it, they just redirect their anger to brown and black and lgbt folk and disabled folk and Jewish or Muslim folk in hopes their guns won’t turn back in them. They tell white cishet men that they see infallibly right and all they have to do is achieve this goal post in life to also be the masters of the universe but even they are subjected to goal post moving or literally no ball to get into the goal and they are told as men that it’s because they are failures and not a strategic plan to make more white terrorist to terrorize “other” into submission and do their dirty work of policing “others” for them without legal consequences. Basically how white people got doped as sharecroppers to not side with free blacks against the people who were oppressing them both! That’s why white terrorist groups don’t go anyway, and even with gun violence they should 2nd amendment, because they are a low key state sponsored milita)

Like, again, I get why people were pissed at “Killmonger was right” 1) because Nakia existed and 2) they just probably weren’t in on the joke lol 3) it feels weird to sympathize with a terrorist. But that was the point. And B Jordan acted his ass off to make Erik an unironiclly sympathetic villain. His last line when he died still brings me to tears because that’s such a unique African Slave Trade Dysphoria pain that other people don’t understand. (Which I will rant on that at the bottom because Im pissed at someone’s comment on it)

It is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard.

MLk, Jr quote on riots that in sure most folk know but I wanted it here in relation to Erik. He did what he knew and you cans abhor the violence but also you have to condemn the conditions that made him Killmonger.

Cause, like I understood Erik’s reasons, his actions were wrong and innocent people suffered. So he’s wrong in that way. But just like in movies and real life, you can sympathize and understand what brought people to those actions. It doesn’t make you wrong or weak or a bad person to want to change what caused a criminal to be a criminal. If anything, the vilifying and pathologizing of criminals prevents real reforms in society that could have prevented their crime. And we are all guilty as fuck of that. (And no, I’m not saying you have to be nice and forgiving and never be angry at criminals because they still did the crime [[most of the time, bias in the law make this hard to deal with sometimes]] but immediately distancing them from “normal people” makes it so the reason they are they way they are never get fixed. We all are the attack dogs against state reform and prision reform because we throw away criminals instead of fixing the world that made them because “I loved a hard life and I turned out fine, what’s their excuse”, different biology for one and modeling of how to deal with stress from family or peers but another rant for another day). But thats why I brought up white Boy terrorist, probably too much for anyone’s liking; there is an underlying reason to their actions and it isn’t just, toxic masculinity or them being entitled or mental illness or whatever other buzz word, but a country that mass produced them and trains them like dogs and sends them off on anyone they think is in their way of their goal. Republicans are always trying to do that by building a divide between Black Americans and Latinx (American or Immigrants) as a way to sick Black people on Latinx if that’s easy to swallow. They do the same with Asian Americans against Black and Latinx people. Give a crumb and say that person is why you don’t have a full cake, the cake they are fucking eating!

That’s how we get respectably politics because it keeps black people from uniting against the folks that are the ones disrespecting them and making black fight fight for scraps of respect. Or African shitting in AfAms or other way around or throw in some Afro Carribaians into the mix and you’ve got three groups pointing fingers at each other while someone robs them all blind

Like Erik may not be dealing with some of those intra group politics going on since his beef was with Wakanda and not the US but he learned how to hate like that, and learned how to external and divide and conquer from the best in the business at that, living in the US. So it’s still relevant on the creation of terrorist.

At the end, T’Challa made a speech that all nations should make, to commit to helping, really helping, because for him, one Killmonger was enough. He would have loved to welcome him into the family as a cousin and not an enemy.

So Dee’s Hot Fresh Take (Tm): Black Panther was about terrorism and what creates terrorist and I think that umbrella covers shit like toxic masculinity and isolationism and Trans Atlantic dysphoira and racial injustice and the like. Don’t gotta agree, all my sources are in my head because I’m on an adderall fuled typing fest on my phone but it’s solid enough. I like this interpretation anyway lol.

———————————

Side rant in Erik’s words, a Household name activist took offense to it (won’t say who they are because I’m not that messy) but suffice it to say, they said something along the lines of celebrating the slaves that made it snd made change and their resilience. Which, you know, dope, but it doesn’t work for Erik nor his story. And I think it takes away a big part of the strength of slaves who ended their lives or the lives of their children rather than suffer they way they did. There is a reason that many black people cant swim, we all know that! It’s because slave owners beat the fear of water into them and the tradition just kept up, more switching to prevent black peoples from enjoying the bounties of nature (and as more research on nature and mental health, a way of preventing black folk healing) but it was to stop slaves from trying to escape AND dying as a form of resistance. When hoteps say the Bible was used to oppression black people and it being the white man’s religion they are only like, part right, like 3% on the mark, because using the Bible, suicide was something punishable in the after life as well and so that prevented a lot of suicides. Abortions fucking crippled plantations sometimes because when the trading stopped, they needed more slaves but women were just not having children as a form of resistance. Death and life has always been a part of resistance and it’s so disengenous to ignore all the slaves that died for the freedom of others, or their faith said that the water would take them back home Igbo Landing Story). People in extreme conditions like they have to always be prepared to die because there lives are always on the line either way. If there Death is meaningful or a mother has to abort every child they have, consentual or not, it’s part of the resistance. And the trauma of it all. We still feel echos of the past in the present but we are so far removed from that very specific pain sometimes that it’s easy to focus on the ones that lived, the heroes, because it gives us hope that it will get better, or we can mobilize for folks that had their life stolen from them because they had more life to live but we sweep the ones that took their own life as if it was the cowards way when we never walked in their shows. And for the writers of black Panther to acknowledge them in the creation of a character like Erik makes me cry. I know when I was younger u tried to separate myself from slavery because it was painful and I heard the Igbo Landing in elementary school and it hurt me so badly I was the only person in my class just uncontrollably balling but I’m older and I respect those people, myth or real, so much. Tbh! In reference to what Erik said, and why slaves drowned themselves to go home, Erik wanted to be burred at sea to return home, to the dead land area, with his dad in their little apartment because Wakanda was nice but he’d never see it as home.

#black panther spoilers #bp spoilers #suicide mention

[karomariann-blog]

Not so sweet dreams

It turns out that I still can’t really sleep and this has been going on for like about a week...

I feel like there are too many things that I think about when I am supposed to be sleeping but oh well I can’t really do anything about it. First I thought that I couldn’t sleep because of all the work stuff but now that all the work stuff isn’t bothering me anymore, everything else is.

To kill the time and to maybe make me a little bit sleepier, I decided to write something and there are so many things I could write about. But I think I’ll write about something positive. 

.......

After thinking for a while I am going to make a little get to know me thingy :)

I copy-pasted this from the internet:

...........

Please tell us, when you were born? I was born in Kotka in Finland

What’s your full name and are you proud of it? My full name is Karoliina Marianne Hiltunen and I’m not necessarily proud of it. It is just super long.

Are you named after someone, if yes then after whom? My middle name is my mom’s middle name but nothing special.

Where are you from and are you proud of it? I’m from Finland and I would say that I am a proud Finn :)

Do you love playing any sports, or just watching it? I love playing sports but I don’t like watching them.

Which one is better, Basketball or Baseball? Definitely basketball 

Who is your favorite person in modern history? I don’t know... Maybe Obama or......?

Who is your favorite writer in modern history? John Green

Who is your favorite musician from the 20th century? I don’t have a favorite since I listen to a variety of things

Which one you prefer, Daft punk or Gorillaz? I don’t know. I mean I have never heard of Gorillaz so :D

Do you love animals, if yes then which one you love most? I do and I love cats the most 

Do you have children? And how many? I don’t (thank God)

If you have children, what’s their name? ----

How many children do you want to have? I haven’t really thought about it. The idea of getting children just gives me anxiety.

Are you married or single, and why? I’m single and why is a good question. I have crushes quite often but I don’t act on them since I have decided that I won’t confess “my love” to anyone. I wait for people to tell that they like me but usually they don’t so I just end up liking them secretly.

If you are not married, when are you going to get married? When I find the right person. 

What is your favorite drink of all? I drink sooooooo much water but maybe coffee? Or orange juice? Juice in general?

Do you have a favorite basketball player? Nope

What is your greatest achievement in high school? Exchange year in Japan

Are you proud of your points in high school? I am proud of my grade average ;)

DO you want to have a business? Nope. Too much work is required.

Which business you want to have and why?  ------

What is your most favorite scene from movies? I don’t know how to answer this. 

If you love snakes, which one is your favorite? I don’t want any snakes anywhere near me thank you

Do you love music? Which genre is your favorite? I love music but I don’t have a favorite genre  

Please tell me, which one is your favorite: Old school rap or today’s new age rappers? Hard question. I don’t know the answer.

How tall are you? Have you dreamed of being ever taller? I’m something a little bit above 180. Do I want to be taller: HELL NAW I am already way too tall xd

What is your favorite number and please tell us, why? Everything with 2 in it and because of 2 is a beautiful number.

Have you ever been to any bridge? Do you like bridges? I cross a bridge every day when I leave my house. I like bridges.

Do you have fear of anything? If it’s not secret, please tell us what you fear the most? I fear being left all alone

Where are you working right now? Burger King 

Have you ever dreamed of being a successful lawyer? Nope

Which actor is your favorite, Al Pacino or Robert De Niro? Can’t say

Where do you want to travel? Oh the list goes on and on but to Japan and UK and the US at the moment

Which ocean is your favorite and why? All the others but not Pacific because it is dirtyyyy

Have you ever been to Europe? Where? I live in Finland but other than that: Estonia, Sweden, Poland, Spain, Greece, Bulgaria, Turkey

Do you love history? Did you have high grades in history classes? I like history and my grade is 9 (10 being the highest) 

Who is your favorite king in the world’s history? Don’t remember much about the kings but I think that maybe some Swedish guy

Which one do you prefer, George Washington or Thomas Jefferson? Washington maybe?

Which one is your favorite, Barack Obama or George Bush? Obama

Do you believe that Trump will make America great again? Yeah nope

Have you right to vote in US elections? No

Which candidate was your favorite during the latest US Presidential elections? don’t know

What do you think about Russia’s Leader Putin? I don’t like that guy

How do you describe yourself? A little perfectionist trying to get by. A busy person who likes cute animals and good music and snuggling while drinking hot chocolate during the winter

Can you describe yourself in just 3 words? passionate, impulsive, caring

What are the most powerful 3 words that changed your life? This is maybe a little bit generic but the good old I love you

Who you admire the most, mother or father? Can I say neither?

Do you have siblings? How many? I do and only 1

How many books do you read during summer vacations? I don’t read books anymore because I listen to everything but like 5 books

How many books you have read in 2017? I don’t remember but during the last year, I have listened to 14 books.

Are you a technology lover, if not, why? I am because technology makes life easier 

What do you prefer, Windows or Mac? Windows

Which brand is your favorite, Apple or Samsung? Yeah, I am using the huawei phone at the moment so neither?

Which Operational system’s the user you are, IOs or Android? Always android

Who is the most valuable person in Tech world, Steve Jobs or Bill Gates? This is a hard choice 

Who is your favorite male Youtuber? Rauski from läppävika

Who is your favorite female YouTuber? Don’t have one

How do you feel right now? Still not tired enough. Otherwise good I guess. Maybe a little lonely because my cats didn’t want to sleep with me tonight.

Can you remember the first time you felt angry? No

Can you remember the first time you laughed? Still no

Who is your favorite comedy movie actor? I don’t do comedies 

Who is your favorite stand-up Comedians and why? Ismo Leikola because he is just so funny

Which Home Alone movie is your favorite? Maybe the first one I don’t know

When was the last time you cried? Last night 

What was the reason you cried the last time? Stress and frustration

Do you know where will be your career in 10 years? I hope that in the university of Helsinki or abroad

Do you love your work and is this your dream work? I don’t love working in Burger King and I would love to be a scientist. ( I would have loved to work with music or dancing but my mom says that it is a waste of talent so I am rolling with the science thingy)

What is your favorite moment from childhood? Maybe the moment we got our first cat

Do you have pets, Cat or dog? Used to have 3 cats, now only 2

Do you love fishing, if yes then why? I don't because I don’t want the fish to die

Which is your favorite Burger and why? It has to be beef for sure and it has to have mayonnaise in it. And vegetables! 

Which one you prefer, Coke or Pepsi? Coke and if you prefer Pepsi, we can’t be friends

[hanndleit]

Paws And Effect

A/N: This took waaayy too long to finish, and I’ve had this idea in my head for the LONGEST time, but I couldn’t seem to get it into words. The ending is pretty much a mess, but overall, I love the idea of G having his own dog to smother in affection.

“George might as well be a dog himself, he’s so obsessed. He doesn’t have one, and I keep coming home to find Allen not there, and then I see on Instagram he’s having a barbecue at George’s house.”

Coming home to an empty house is any dog owner’s worst nightmare, especially when one lived in a city as busy as London. For Matty, this was a regular scene. Returning to his flat after an outing, he expected to be greeted by Allen as soon as he opened the door. Bracing for impact, Matty stepped in to find it eerily silent. “Allen?” He called, his echo being the only response. Dropping his bags on top of the kitchen counter, Matty shuffled over to the sofa and collapsed into the plush cushion with a groan. “Alright you mutt.” He retrieved his phone from his pocket, unlocking it with his fingerprint. “Let’s find out where you’re at.”

It was fairly easy for Matty to track down his missing pet, considering George had tagged him in a selfie with the dog on Instagram, the timestamp being 20 minutes ago. He and George had been friends since High School, and their bond was strong enough to change earth’s rotation. With the amount of teasing and jokes they pulled on each other, there wasn’t much either of them couldn’t get away with. But Matty had had enough of having to track down his dog every time he came home. He wanted to be able to relax and wind down before he threw himself back into his work, and that was nearly impossible if he was worrying about Allen every day. At this point, he was practically George’s dog.

Matty had been on his feet for most of the day, and was far from being in the mood to storm down the street and steal his dog back for the second time that week. Scrolling through his contacts list, he found G’s number and tapped it, laying horizontally on the sofa with his phone pressed to his ear. After three rings, the opposite line came alive with background noise. Matty could hear someone laughing, before George answered with a hello.

“Quit taking my dog, Daniel.” Matty grumbled, jumping over the exchange of greetings

George laughed, and held the phone away from his face to whistle for Allen. “He loves it here, can you really blame him?”

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Matty sighed audibly. “What I’m trying to say is, you can’t keep breaking into my flat and stealing him whenever you want. It's too much for me to be worrying about him constantly.”

“Is it breaking in if you gave me the key?” Matty rolled his eyes, he could picture the amused smirk on his mate’s face. It made him want to slap it off. “Besides, what do you have to be worried about? You know he’s in good hands.” George continued.

“Why don’t you get a dog of your own? That way you have a reason for my dog to be over at yous place.” Matty suggested. The line went quiet, and he pulled the phone away from his face to see if George had hung up. Opening his mouth to ask, he clamped it shut as G finally responded.

“Dogs are like kids, mate. They’re great, but having your own is a different story..”

Matty narrowed his eyes, giving a confused look to his ceiling. “Okay, first of all mate, dogs and children are two completely sets of responsibility. You’ll outlive your dog, but fuck up with a kid and you’re screwed for life.”

“See that’s another thing. Responsibility. I don’t have that shit to take care of a dog.” George pointed out, putting his phone against his chest and calling whoever he was with a twat.

Matty knew immediately that George was all talk. Not about the twat thing. That he was probably right about, but G had taken care of Allen more times than Matty could count while he was off. He was plenty responsible, he just liked stealing his dog far too much. With that, Matty formed an idea.

“Tell you what mate, I’ll let you keep Allen tonight, but I expect him back by tomorrow evening. I’ve got a bit of running around to do, so he could use some company.”

“Really? That’s top. I’ll take good care of him, alright?” George’s excitement put a small smile on Matty’s face.

“I trust you. Take care.” He finished, pressing the ‘End Call’ button.

Taking his phone away from his ear, Matty pulled up his internet and searched for the nearest animal rescue (Adopt, don’t shop), doing a bit of research on the few nearby. Finding one that had a lot of good reviews and no charges of animal cruelty, Matty wrote down the hours, phone number and address before getting up from the sofa and setting off to fix himself an early dinner.

-----------

The next morning at precisely 10:04 AM, Matty rolled over in his bed and slapped this phone screen until the alarm turned off. He rolled back over and pulled his blanket over his shoulders, preparing to fall back asleep, when he remembered his plans for today. He placed his pillow over his face with a groan, and sat up. Stretching his tattooed arms, Matty scratched his head, making his curly locks bounce enthusiastically. He threw back the covers and shoved his feet into his Gucci Slippers, standing and shuffling out his bedroom door to the kitchen.

Matty fixed himself a bit of tea and toast, leaning against the countertop as he went over the day’s plans in his head, deciding if he was really going to go through with it. If he went ahead and adopted George a dog, and G decided he didn’t want it, Matty might get stuck with another dog. Which in turn, would just give his mate another dog to steal. Which doesn’t exactly make sense, because wouldn’t George just be stealing his own dog? At least Matty now had a way to trap G with the dog either way.

A little past noon, Matty was dressed and making his way down from his flat with Allen’s puppy leash wrapped around one hand. It was a short 15 minute drive to the shelter, and thankfully, traffic was reasonable. Matty parked and gathered up the papers he brought along just in case he would need them, as well as the leash. His car clicked locked as he made his way toward the shelter doors, dressed in his favorite jeans and cream sweater, he pulled on the handle and was met with the muffled sound of barking from a different room. Approaching the counter, he offered a small smile to the most likely college-aged blonde girl sat at the computer.

“What can I help you with?” She asked with a bright smile and a strong American accent. Studying abroad, perhaps? The receptionist’s life story wasn’t Matty’s main focus.

“I’m ah, looking to adopt a dog.” He replied, drumming his fingers against the counter.

The girl beamed once more. “That’s wonderful! I’m Lyndsay and I’ll be helping you find your new best friend.” She spoke as if she had rehearsed her lines in the bathroom mirror. It kind of annoyed Matty. “Adopting a pet is such an amazing experience.” She continued without missing a beat. “I’m just going to need to see some ID and I can take you back to meet everyone.”

Matty pulled his wallet from his back pocket and handed her his card. Lyndsay took her time entering whatever information she needed to enter into her computer, all whilst keeping a smile frozen on her face.

“Thank you, Matthew.” She handed him his card back, which he placed back into his wallet. “If you’ll follow me, please, I’ll take you into the kennels. If there’s anyone you’d like to meet, you can just let me know and I’ll show you where to go.” She rose from her chair and motioned him over to the door to the right of the receptionist’s, which Matty followed her behind. The barking grew intensely as they entered into the kennel. He forgot how heartbreaking it was to see all of the animals in their cages, most of them with terrified or miserable expressions.

“Are you looking for anything specific?” Lyndsay asked, stopping in front of one cage to allow a Golden Retriever named Rocky to lick her hand. All of the dog’s names were posted on the cages, as well as their breed and date they were brought in among other information.

“I’m looking for a dog for my best mate. Nothing small, and maybe a year or two old?” Matty told the girl, crouching down to greet a scraggly looking terrier. Lyndsay nodded, seeming to be thinking.

“I have a dog you might be interested in. If your friend is anything like you, it might be the perfect match.” She smiled, starting down towards the opposite wall of the kennel. Matty pushed himself to his feet and followed her, observing every dog he passed. When he got to where she was standing, he was greeted excitedly by a skinny black and white dog who put both paws on the cage door, his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth. Matty smiled, and put his fingers through the chainlinks to pet the dog. “This is Adonis.” Lyndsay took the board from his cage and scanned the information. “He’s about a year and a half old. Not sure of his breed, but they say it’s mostly Border Collie. Neutered, shots are up to date, potty trained.” She read off as Matty crouched down to continue petting the pup.

“Is he good with other dogs?” He asked, hoping that Adonis would be able to get along with Allen.

“Yep. He was born on a farm with other dogs and animals. The previous owners said he was too energetic for them to keep track of, so they brought him here. I think they said they called him Spud?” She laughed softly, earning a grin from Matty as well. “But he’s a real lady killer, so we felt that Adonis fit him better.”

“Oh, that’s perfect.” Matty mumbled, scratching the dog behind the ear. “George is going to adore you.”

--

Two hours, a stack of paperwork, some excited peeing (from Adonis, not Matty) and £70 later, Adonis was sticking his head out the window of the backseat of Matty’s car as they departed from the shelter. He figured he would give the dog a little time to adjust to his new surroundings before he would invite George over to surprise him.

Adonis took to Matty’s flat quickly, spending at least 20 minutes racing back and forth across the floor before crashing on the couch for a nap. Much to Matty’s relief, the dog calmed down enough for the both of them to relax.

Sitting on the sofa and idly stroking Adonis’ soft fur, Matty decided he could be patient no longer. Sending George a text telling him to come over, Matty tossed his phone on the endtable and continued to run his fingers through the dog’s soft fur. “G will love you. I promise.” Matty told Adonis, mostly reassuring himself rather than the dog.

George responded shortly after, alerting Matty that he would be on his way, and Matty quickly attempted to find a place to hide the dog in order to surprise his mate. Ushering the dog into his bedroom, Matty closed the door and hoped Adonis wouldn’t bark upon hearing George come in. Lyndsay mentioned that the dog was “averagely trained” - whatever that meant. She didn’t even bother to explain what the dog was trained in. Sit? Stay? Could the dog pull Matty out of a burning building? Play chess? Maybe Adonis was a Harvard dropout. Who the hell knows. There would be time to figure all that out later on.

George didn’t bother with knocking or ringing the bell, letting himself in with a grin and “Honey I’m home!”

Matty greeted his mate with a hug before turning to say hello to Allen as well. The brown dog seemed to be interested in other things, pacing back and forth with his nose glued to the floor. Matty had to call his name a few times to get him to come. Dropping to his knees, Matty scratched Allen behind the ears with a smile. “I know, I know.” He spoke softly seeming to know exactly what the dog was thinking. There’s another dog here.

After a bit of small talk  between Matty and George, his mate was starting to catch on that there was something Matty wasn’t telling him. He could hardly sit still.

“Alright.” George placed his hands on the counter and eyed Matty down. “Who’s pregnant?” He asked, arching an eyebrow in question.

Matty nearly spat out the wine he had just taken a sip of. “What? Nobody’s pregnant? Why would you ask that?”

“Because you look like the cat that just ate the canary. What is it that you’re not telling me?”

Matty chewed his lip thoughtfully for a moment, before whistling Allen over. He grabbed ahold of the dog’s collar and asked George to hold him for a second while he ran upstairs.

George looked suspicious, but complied, bending over to hold onto Allen’s collar tightly.

Matty reached the top of the stairs and took a deep breath, turning the handle to his bedroom door and beckoning the other dog to come out.

Adonis dashed between Matty’s legs and down to the first floor, his nails skidding on the wood as he ran excitedly up to the other dog.

Following quickly behind, Matty took one glance at George’s expression and immediately turned as white as a ghost. “Uh, surprise?”

“You got another dog?” George asked, releasing Allen’s collar and crouching down to greet the mutt.

“Well…” Matty rubbed the back of his neck, returning to where he stood previously. “Technically I got you a dog.” Matty confessed, holding his breath as he waited for George’s response.

“Seriously? It’s mine? You got me a dog?” G broke out into a wide grin, scratching the black and white dog behind the ears. “Is it a he or a she? Does it have a name?”

Matty couldn’t help but smile as well. “You really like him? It’s a boy, by the way, and his name is Adonis.” He informed his mate, crouching down to pet him as well. Allen didn’t seem too jealous, curiously sniffing at the new dog with interest.

“Of course I like him. I can’t believe you got me a dog.”

“I was tired of you stealing Allen constantly, and I figured if you got a dog of your own you wouldn’t have a reason to.” Matty stroked the dog with a smile. “I was scared you’d freak out and get mad at me or-”

“He’s perfect.” George cut him off, a grateful smile on his face.

Matty’s heart filled with joy at the sight. Even though G got on Matty’s nerves more often than he’d like, there wasn’t a damn thing Matty wouldn’t do to see his best mate happy.

After a glass or two more of wine, George clipped a leash onto his new four-legged friend and showered Matty in another round of thank you’s before heading back to his own flat and starting his life with Adonis by his side.

Liking the dog turned to loving, and soon George and his pooch were inseparable. There were even times that Matty found himself jealous of their relationship.

But either way, G took Adonis almost everywhere he went. It was rare to find him without the black and white pup by his side.

Matty hadn’t seen his mate this happy in ages, and every time he watched the two of them together, he couldn’t understand why George had never wanted a dog of his own.

#matty healy imagine #george daniel imagine #the 1975 imagine #the 1975 fanfiction #This is kind of bad #I don't care at this point #I can do better #I swear #lmao

[songofsaraneth]

time for another life happenings post!! I think it’s been like 3 weeks or so since i updated, and in that time i have done a BUNCH. 

firstly, I did 2 weeks of nightly circus skills intro training! I really really miss the circus group I was in in college, but there hasn’t been anything similar here--until this group from Arizona showed up to teach a couple classes. They were only here for two weeks, spending the weekends visiting friends here, the weekdays running a kids camp and the evenings for adult classes. It was just for about 1.5 hours each night and not very in depth, but we tried out a bunch of different things in that time. I learned a bunch of basic trapeze poses (photo 1), some aerial silks climbs/hangs/tricks, relearned how to juggle, and was bizarrely very immediately good at rolling globe (photo 2), which is where you jump up on a large plastic ball and then roll it around back and forth while still standing on top of it. Once I got that down I added some poi in (which I’ve done for years) just for fun! Met a couple local folks I didn’t know before as well, and learned about a local acro yoga/partner acro group I’m gonna hopefully try to join in on a bit. 

Then last friday, I drove up to the Denver area after work, and on Saturday went to Denver Comic Con! My boyf and his friends from Wyoming were dressed up as Steven Universe characters, but I didn’t have anything prepared since it was very last minute i found out I could head to CO for the weekend. So I wore the dragon hoodie i made when i dressed up as Smaug for the premiere of the 2nd Hobbit movie, a skirt to hide my legs, and went as the Wyverary (Wyvern + library) from the Fairyland series by Cat Valente, since I was gonna get a few books signed by her while there (photo 3, me with her post-signing). Also got some stuff by Robin Hobb signed, went to a few talks by other authors, a couple writing panels, and stared at a lot of pretty merch! I wanted to get into the Felicia Day talk but the line filled up over an hour beforehand so :( And I was too cheap for autographs of anyone who cost money to see, but I did see Nathan Fillion and James Marsters from a distance. After the con wound down that night we all went out to dinner and wandered Denver a bit, and then I drove up to my other friend in Fort Collins. 

Sunday! My pal Ash and I met while we were both studying abroad in Ireland, and one of our other friends we made there (who was actually from Ireland) happened to be in the US/CO this week! So we got up early on sunday to go to the archery range (photo 4), since we all met on the archery team and NUI Galway. I hadn’t shot for like, almost 2 years which is SAD considering how big a part of my life archery was for a while, but at least I hadn’t forgotten everything. gonna have to just buy my own bow someday. After that, we went down to the Colorado Renaissance Festival, and I don’t care how historically inaccurate they are, I really love any excuse to wander around in costume and stare at pretty crafts. It was awesome and I bought a very extravagant mask (photo 5) for a costume I’m planning on making. Drove our Irish friend to his cousin’s house after and spent the night at the boyfs. 

Monday! After J went to work I wandered up to Boulder. Stopped at the small Natural History museum on campus to stare at all the fossils and pottery, then skipped to a farmers market thing and was very good about not spending money except for a ginger-maple lemonade. Then up on back to FC with Ash, where we went to this EXTREMELY fancy single-origin chocolate shop, two fancy cheese shops, some thrift stores, and the grocery store. When we got home we realized that between us we had like... 19 types of cheese. so naturally we assembled the most fantastic cheese platter that has ever been created (photo 6), with berries, avocado, bread with whole cloves of garlic baked in, salami, and wild boar sausage. it was so good and we did not even come close to finishing it all, lol. But it made a good breakfast the next day too.

ANYWAY then... we went to bed around 10:30pm and woke up around... 3:30-4am on the 4th. So we could do a sunrise photoshoot back at the archery range (photo 6). Because we have priorities I guess. But we got all dressed up and went out to take lots of photos, which turned out really well and I’ll post more eventually. but we shot from like 5:30am-8:30am for that sunrise light, and then when we got home at 9 promptly went back to bed. Eventually roused myself enough around 11am to join J for brunch as he drove through on his way to Wyoming for the 4th. Then, alas, I had to make the drive back to Utah, which is very long (6hr) but at least the mountains are absolutely beautiful this time of year. Man I really love the desert, but driving through summer mountains just makes me want to run out and frolic in all the lush green meadows and just like, hug a tree. We have a couple small lacothithic mountains pretty close to where I live but it’s different from seeing them extend on and on around you with green and snow-capped peaks forever. 

Anyway, got back to Moab around 8pm on the 4th, just as people were starting to set up firework things. unpacked a bit and then hopped over to where one of my housemates is currently housesitting for some wealthy couple, in this really big beautiful house on top of a hill with a hot tub. we planned to sit in the hot tub for the main fireworks display (which we could see perfectly from it) but it was like 105º out during the day and still in the 90ºs around 9:30pm, so after like 15 minutes we just sat on the edge with our feet in instead. 

anyway! work has been hot and exhausting (manual labor fence building in 100º+ weather with the occasional interspersed long photosynthesis measurement days), so I won’t talk about it overmuch. but I do have next week off, hurrah! Gonna be meeting up with my old college advisor in New Mexico for some volunteer plant collecting for the genetics research lab I used to work for. Exciting! I’ll drive down there on Monday and camp out for a night before meeting up with the group, is my current plan.

Today I got brunch+read and then have been aimlessly wandering the internet. Tonight though is the Moab Grassroots Music Exchange, which happens on full moons during the warm months. Basically a bunch of people drive out into a semi remote part of the desert and there’s a stage with a band or two and a lot of bonfires and general hippie festivities. I don’t drink so that cuts down on some of the amusement for me, but there are usually a couple firespinners I can spin with/bum fuel off of. I might camp there overnight (there’s tons of space to do so so people don’t have to drive home the same night) or I might just come back home, still undecided. And then I’ve been invited along a mountain summit hike tomorrow and a rafting trip, so I have to decide which of those I’m going to join in on I guess! Such a hard life in a small adventure town, sigh. 

#ramblings #wanderings #colorado plateau wanderings #moab wanderings #me #these photos give the impression that i wear leggings a lot but tbh that could not be further from the truth #i get to sweaty whoops

[dawnlikeswater]

Project better future: 2020 Edition

Day 1 Long story short, 2020′s been thoroughly kicking my ass.

Depression & Anxiety on main? CHECK Broke AF? CHECK 2 weeks til deadlines? CHECK Graduation hanging in the balance of work being submitted or not? CHECK No income? CHECK Forced in to living at the family house again, because you can’t afford to live alone anymore, due to a global pandemic? CHECK

Sooo.... yeah, i’ve pretty much fallen off the wagon this year, I used to work so much harder, and be so much more motivated to make my future better for myself, but this year, it’s just fallen apart, and i’ve really just let it happen, and to be completely honest, i’ve had enough of myself beign like this.

This blog, and writing out my plans, and feelings isn’t somethign i had ever intended to stop doing, it just kinda happened on it’s own, but it did always help me a lot, and so i’m back again, and im ready ot get working, and moving and trying again to make myself a better future.

Current situation: I’m in my final year at university, in my final 9 days, I have to write a whoel dissertation, and then make a presentation for it, which i’ll need to film myself presenting as well, I also have 2 pieces of make-up work because i failed some things earlier in the year, and just yeah, it is all due on the 14th.

I’ve been procrastinating it all like a mad, because school stuff makes my anxiety flare real bad, but I truly cannot afford to do this anymore. If i don’t get these pieces of work in, I will fail my whole degree, I have have have to get them in, even if it’s low quality work and I only get D’s, those D’s would literally be enough to get me a degree.

D’s will literally get me a degree right now.

My rough plan at present is to just get as much of my introduction section written tonight as I can, and email it to my advisors at the university for feedback, and whilst I wait for them to get back to me, I will begin trying to do the data section of the dissertation the day after, and then send that on to them as well, in hopes they get some feedback to me fast enough that I can make use of it.

I will then Look at the make-up work, and do what I can of that over the weekend.

The only way here that I can succeed, is is i actually do a good chunk every day, there’s no excuses, i need to do some every day if i’m going to have D worthy work in by 5pm on the 14th of August.

If I can get the work in, and I did enough to get D’s, i’ll be able to graduate.

But what about getting work, or life after the 14th?

2020 being what it is, there’s next to no jobs available, especially within the field of marine vertebrate zoology, which is what my degree is on, I did one day (whilst procrastinating) begin thinking about how to earn money, or begin working, and my options are pretty limited, especially by the fact that I haven’t already finished my degree, i was supposed to be done in may, but I got extensions because of how sick I was (not corona, just depression/anxiety).

And so the solutions I came to were that, even if i did pass my degree somehow, that I need extra training to show in place of experience, and so I began looking in to the things I could get extra training in affordably, at home, online, where it’s safe, and that would also lead to a well paying job. One of the biggest contenders was Statistics and data analysis, I have experience with these things thanks to my degree,a nd they are highly sought after still eve with the pandemic, also they pay reallyyyyyy well, £21-22k GBP at entry level.

It was during that time that I realised how much i’ve come to just hate academia, and scholarly things, and that it is because university has absolutely destroyed every last bit of happiness I had about sciences in the last year, and that I need some time away from it all.but also something that would perhaps be a little more in my own control, as the statistics stuff would still be highly dependant on me actually getting hired, even after getting additional training, and then I somehow found me way to TEFL (Teaching English as a foreign language)

I spent like 3 days going really far down an internet rabbit hole, learning everything I could about TEFL courses, what it’s like to actually work teaching English as a foreign language, finding out what opportunities exist out there, teachign in a classroom environment, teachign abroad, in a business, teachign online, and which TEFL courses would actually have come form reputable sources, and would be fully accredited, and was lucky enough that the course I wanted to take was on sale 60% off, and yes, it was a fully UK gov accredited lvl3 course, it’s regulated by Ofqual.

So I paid for the course, started it, and finished the first module within the week I had begun it (I was procrastinating my uni stuff, big surprise).

So following the 14th of August 220, when my university work is all done, submitted in whatever state it is yeeted into turn it in, in, what im planning on doing next is a day or 2 of rest, and then I’ll be pushing to finish the tefl course ASAP, so that I can get myself registered with online teaching companies asap, and hopefully begin earning some money, because I am so far into the overdraft of my bank account it’s not even funny, and I can survive maybe til the end of September at best if i’m exceptionally frugal.

Chances are that over the next year I will probably take the training for statistics and data analysis as well, but i do need time away from sciences, and i need some time to just be a bit more free, be able to travel if i want to travel, save some money up finally, and stop living the life of a broke ass student, and be able to take work with me where ever I am, i guess i just want to live a slightly more stable life, where i’m able to do the things I actually want to do.

I’m not sure when i’ll next post, but I think it’ll be tomorrow, saying where im up to with my dissertation work, we’ll see.

Congratulations if you read all that.

#about me #my life #university #future #I will try harder #I will make my future a happy one