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roseworth · 3 months

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Could I get your thoughts on Teen Titans #78 and 79? Also how would you have concluded Rose's character arc regarding her family?

i LOOOOOOOOVE that story <3 its such a great representation of roses relationship with slade w the way she comes there to kill him then later on goes "nvm i love him and dont want him to die. this sucks."

not to mention!!!! it shows the difference between rose & joey's relationships with slade sooooooo well bc joey was raised by slade and thinks theres good in him! but rose wasnt raised by him and doesnt believe in any good in him (but loves him anyway)!!!!! GOD.

i love it its a fantastic wilson family story and gets all their dynamics down rly well <3 i love rose & joey in that story i love it when they get to hang out (disregard the zombies theyre just hanging out) 💕💕💕

as for how i would have concluded the arc. i have thoughts.

first of all it haunts me every single day of my life that the new 52 came and stopped anything from happening with this. her mom was ALIVE and she was being talked about!!!!!! then n52 came and erased her from existence and i will never not be upset about it (also the last panel lili has ever appeared in they made her BLONDE.) i wish i could contact jt krul and ask him what the plan was i need to know so badly

but honestly. if it were me writing it i would not have brought lili back. i think the story would be so much more intriguing if rose was basically on a wild goose chase since the only evidence she had wasnt very strong but it gave her HOPE so she clung onto it for as long as she could

plus i feel like rose would have a lot of guilt surrounding her mothers death (since she died protecting her) even though she doesnt outwardly show any guilt and just blames slade for all of it, so shes doing everything she can to a) prove to herself that she didnt actually kill her mother and b) make up for the fact that it was her fault (in her mind) and get forgiveness for it. but she doesnt get any closure or forgiveness so she has to learn to accept that she did have a role in her mom's death but it doesnt make it her fault

anyways after obsessing over finding her mom just to realize that she actually was dead the whole time rose would have a catastrophic breakdown and probably take it out on slade, who would probably make it worse on purpose

i havent thought about it in depth so i dont know exactly how it would happen but i would say that eventually she realizes that the titans were there for her while she was looking for her mom and while she was in the middle of her breakdown, then be like "the titans are my family and its great <3 fuck my stupid dad"

then she has insane lesbian sex with cassie and then everyone lives happily ever after until another writer comes along and decides to retread the same drama and ignore character development because thats what they love to do in tt03

#but part of me also wishes that lili did come back to life #because i love her but also because it would be so funny if she was part of deathstroke's kooky cast of characters #lili and addie interactions now please <3 it would be so terrible they would rip each other apart #can you imagine if lili was in deathstroke 2016. imagine if on top of everything that was already happening in that book she was there too #i will always wish she had showed up in ds16 at all but it would have been sooo funny if she was alive for it #rose wilson #dc

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ghostismybbygorl · 1 year

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My sweet boy

Soap x ghost

Summary: soap takes ghost to meet his mom for the first time

Warnings: thick scottish writing, embarrassing baby photos, not proofread

"oh Mah bairn! How urr ye daein' ?!"

"Hey ma im doin well"

Johnny decided to give his mother a call to tell her the news

"Hae ye bin eating, did ye fin' a lover yit, whit's thair name, dae ye aye hae that ridiculous skin heid, och mah sweet laddie whin urr ye comin' hame we lassy you!"

"Maa!" Johnny said blushing over the phone

"Ive been fine, yes i have been eating, and yes i did find someone thats why i called you"

"Och guid! a'm sae happy youre in loue whit's thair name!? "

"His name is simon." He said nervously

Ever since johnny came out as bisexual he was always nervous about how his mom reacted to bringing home a man in his life. She was very traditional and wasn't very accepting of it but, she couldn't push her son away he was her pride and joy. She immediately warmed up to the fact that hey if her son is happy shes happy no matter what he does.

She ghasped

"A laddie! och mah loue howfur is he? does he treat ye weel? whin ur we meetin him? yer sisters lassy ye!"

"Ma!" He laughed "that why i called, simon and i have been stationed here for a few weeks and i thought it was time for you to meet him"

"Och joy mah loue! please hae him come ower fur tea ah wid loue tae catch up wi` him. Noo whit does he lik' 'n' whit doesn't he lik', is he allergic tae anythin' that a'm needin' tae ken aboot? "

"He'll eat just about anything. He's not a picky eater like me" he replied

"Thats guid peely-wally mak' a roast! ah cannae hauld yer horses tae see ye johnny! "

"Thats great ma! Hey i have to go the captains calling"

"I love you son! Forever and always"

"Love you too ma!"

Johnny hung up and walked to the debriefing room where price was going over the plans for the next mission. Once he dismissed everyone simon came over to him

"You ready to meet my family?" Johnny asked

Simon nodded "yeah im ready"

Jihnny gave him a peck over his clothed face

"Be ready by 3 and wear something nice no hoodies gitta make a good impression"

Simon rolled his eyes "roger"

Johnny was fidgeting like crazy running his hands through his hair staring at his outfit in the reflection worring about how he looked. He was wearing his kilt with a sweater over it. He liked to wear it around his family when he's visiting since it was such a special occasion to visit. He sighed fixing his hair trying to slick down his Mohawk from any fly aways. He didnt realize that simon had walked up behind him wrapping his arms around his waist

"You look great" he said kissing his cheek

Simon was wearing a black sweater with jeans and his docs. He wasnt wearing his mask revealing his scarred face.

"You ready love" simon asked

"Yeah i am" johhny replied getting into the car

The ride was quiet both boys where nervous. Simon worrying about his impression, johnny worrying about his family liking his new boyfriend.

Johnny drove down the driveway of his childhood home. His family had a cozy house with a large plot of land that had cows, chickens, and a few horses roaming around

"Looks like you where raised on a farm" simon quipped

"Oh Gang bile yer heid"

Simon chuckled grabbing soaps hand

"Everything's going to be alright don't worry" he said kissing his hand "love you"

Johnny parked the car letting out a sigh

"You ready?" He asked

"I am" simon replied giving him a kiss

As soon as johnny got out if the car he was tackled by his sister

"YOU STUPID PERSON WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND" she yelled in his chest

"Good to see you too grace" he said returning the hug

Grace looked over at simon. He awkwardly waved at her "hello" he walked over and was immediately pulled into a hug. Simon awkwardly hugged her back

“So you must be the famous Simon!” she said smiling “welcome home! C’mon in the rest of the family is waiting”

Simon and johnny walked into the house where they where greeted with a Australian shepherd. Her little nub of a tail wagon a million miles an hour She jumped onto Simon barking at him and licking his hands.

“LACEY GET DOWN!” johnny's mother walked into the room holding a toddler on her side. She had the same exact features as johnny bright blue eyes long curly black hair down to her waist.

“I'm so sorry Simon she gets too excited when she meets new people” she set down the toddler on the floor where he ran straight to johnny

“uncleJohn!” he yelled waddling over to him

“Hey fergus!” Johnny scooped him up and gave him raspberry on his cheek. “Wheres your mommy?” fergus pointed to a pregnant woman waddling over from the kitchen

“Johnny you're here!” she said giving a kiss on his forehead and grabbing fergus. “Hows my baby brother doing?” she looked over to Simon and smirked “and how's the new family member doing?”

Simon blushed ruffling the back of his hair emmiting a shy “good”

She stuck out her hand “ olivia, nice to meat you” Simon shook her hand “and I'm Ferguth” the toddler said reach his hand out

“Hello fergus” Simon said shaking his hand

“Wheres pa?” johnny asked looking around the living room

“You know exactly where he is” olivia said pointing to the love seat in the corner where a man with a pot belly slept he had a baseball cap covering his face while his long brown hair stuck out every which way he had a long beard which settled down to his chest.

Johnny walked over giving his thickest Scottish accent Simon had ever heard

“Weel if it isnae th' pie-eater his-sel captain angus mactavish” he slapped his stomach waking him up from his slumber

“Ye wee wanker ah wis juist haein a guid dream” he said holding up his fists “Git yer bahookie ower 'ere ye wee jobby ah cannae hae mah son beat me noo”

Johnny and his dad fake fought causing Fergus to run over to them and fake fight with them. Angus wailed in fake pain as his grandchild hit him

“Oh me chest the wee lad got a punch to em, gonna be strong like year uncle aren't ye” he said grabbing Fergus and tickling him causing a fit of giggles. Simon smiled at the sight of Johnny's family he was reminded of his late family having fun like this (aside from kicking out his father from his family). He missed the atmosphere of what he had back then.

Fergus got out of his grandfathers lap and ran to simon "uncle john is tis your boyfwend!?" Pointing at him "it is" he replied

Fergus held his hands up wanting Simon to pick him up "uppies!"

"Oh you want uppies yeah?" Simon grabbed him settling him on his hip. Fergus pointed at his scars "you got a boo boo!" He pointed out

"Fergus!" Johnnys mom scolded him "im sorry simon this little bugger still learning his manners"

"Its alright mrs.mactavish my nephew did the same thing"

"Oh please call me liz! Mrs. mactavish is my mother in law!" Angus let out a loud laugh

"Kin that wench rest in peace" he said sighing the cross

Fergus touched simons scar on his lip

"how did you get the boo boo?" He asked

"Well i fought some bad guys like your uncle and had a bad accident causing to get boo boos on my face" Fergus gasped "did the bad guys go bye bye?"

"Yeah they did gave em a good wave goodbye"

Fergus smiled "i can make the boo boo feel better ma always does dis when i get one" fergus kissed his hand and put it on simons lip "bye bye boo boo!"

"Well look at that its all better" simon smiled he set fergus down where he ran to liz

"G-ma i made uncle simons boo boo feel better" he smiled

“You did! Well look at you ferg gonna be a good doctor one day!” she ruffled his hair causing him to giggle.

Angus got up from his seat with a groan

"Right lets see this fine man my sons datin'" angus walked over to Simon assessing his features. He put a hand on his shoulder

"Promise to take care of me boy?" He asked

Simon nodded "already do, should see em on the field definitely wouldnt make it without me"

"Oi!" Johnny chimed in "not true at all"

Angus gave another belly laugh

"i like em you should keep em john!"

Johnny rolled his eyes

A tall man walked over and put his arm around olivia “nice to meet you Simon I'm matt” he shook his hand

“Nice to meet you” Simon replied

There was a ding that came to the kitched lizs face lit up.

"Oh! The roasts ready! Everyone grab a plate!"

The whole family gathered into the kitchen

"Wait g-ma! we gotta do grace!" Fergus yelled

"Oh thats right! Simon do you want to do grace?"

Simon awkwardly stood by johnny

"I uhm"

"Ma hes not... you know"

"Oh! Its alright simon we dont have to do it" liz looked at fergus "we can do grace in our heads tonight"

Fergus looked confused but agreeds

Everyone sat the table fergus sat next to simon om his right and johnny to the left of him, angus sat at the head of the table along with matt on the other side. Olivia sat next to him, liz was in the middle, and grace was next to her father.

"So anything new since i left?" Johnny said shoving food in his mouth.

"Johnathan scott wheres your manners!" Liz said smacking his hand across the table. Johnny face turned red and swallowed his food.

"Honestly he eats like he's been starved. Oh angus remember when he ate so fast he got the hiccups for the first time" liz sighed with a dreamy look

"oh when he was a wee lad he used to run around the house nude" angus chimed in

"Or when he got a crayon stuck in his nose" olivia chuckled

"Oi it was a triple dog dare you cant break those!" Johnny huffed. His face was as red as a tomato. Simon let out a chuckle.

"He still runs around in the nude" simon chimed in

Johnny hid his face from his family blushing scarlet now. His family laughing at the embarrassing stories they had of him

When dinner was done liz gasped

"I have something to show you simon!"

She jogged upstairs and came down holding a large book

"LITTLE JOHNNYS BABY PHOTOS!" She whispered excitedly she sat on the couch patting for him to sit next to her

Simon smiled sitting and looking at the photos

Johnny was cleaning up the dishes when he heard chuckling in the living room

"Oi what the-" johnny stopped in his tracks face turning more red than before "ma! Are those my baby photos?!"

Olivia and grace snickered

"Wait till he sees the nude photos" they said to each other laughing

Simon looked at the photos grinning johnny was a cute baby. He turned the pages and saw him in the bathtub full of soap

"Oh that was his first bubble bath" liz cooed "he used to love em!"

"He still does "simon replied causing liz to chuckled

"Aww olivia look it was when we took our first Christmas photo with johnny"

"Ohh and look that was olivia first meeting johnny whats a great memory"

"Oh look at that! His first football game!" Olivia pointed out

"Looks like the mowhawk was his style" simon chimed in

"Oh yes the wee lad decided to give himself a little haircut"

She pointed to a photo of him with a bandaid on his chin

"Thats where he got that scar of his! Olivia and him wouldn't stop fighting had to tie em to a chair to get them to get along."

"That ones cute" simon pointed to him holding a baby

"Oh that was the first day we brought home grace he was head over heels for her he vowed to protect her and fight off her boyfriends"

"And i still do!" Johnny chimed in sitting next to simon locking his hands together with his

"Remember this one!" Olivia pointed to johnny in a bathrobe giving a glare "he was so mad because i ised up all the hot water" she laughed "fuckin pissed me off" johnny replied

Liz flipped the page and laughed at the photo of him sleeping on the floor "oh wee lad loved sleeping in different places look at this one he fell alseep on the counter after a football game"

Simon chuckled and pulled out his phone showing a photo of soap sleeping on their couch. Liz and Olivia let out a loud laugh "oh he never changes" Olivia said slapping his shoulder

Simon held the book now looking through the pages until he stopped at a photo of him being the goalie and right next to the photo was him and olivia on his back

"Oh thats when our schools team won the finals! For both the boys and girls team!" Olivia pointed "johnny was such a good goalie he could have been pro if he didn't enlist in the royal marines"

"Yeah i would but i wouldnt have met simon" he squeeze simons hand simon set his head on his shoulder closing the picture book

"Thank you for the photos i really enjoyed them" simon handed the book to liz she patted his back "love its always a pleasure to embarrass my son!" She laughed setting the book on the coffee table.

The whole family decided to play a couple of games until it was time for simon and johnny to go back to the base. Johnny said goodbye to his mother giving her a kiss on the cheek and giving his dad a bear hug. He hugged both of his siters and gave blew his nephew a raspberry on his cheek. Simon shook angus' hand then he was pulled into a giant hug from him

"you take care of our son you hear?" He let go of simon with johnnys mom giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek

"The door is always open for the two of you!" She said waving goodbye to them as they walked back to the car.

Simon sat in the passenger seat while johnny drive

"So that was my family" he said

He looked over to see simon sulking

Johnny grabbed his hand giving it a kiss

Simon looked at him

"they remind me if my family"

"I know they do babe, but id have ti say they absolutely adore you and my family is your family"

Simon smiled "i love you"

"Love you too bonnie" johnny replied giving simons hand another kiss

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iwannabeastarstarrockmann · 9 months

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day one of *unknown amount of time water fast :)

I'm trying for a really long fast, so I find I stick to it better if I pretend as if there is no end goal. trying to trick my brain into thinking its short term, I guess.

I didn't sleep at all, I was too busy reading comics all night and morning to distract from my cravings and then I decided to actually get out of bed and was immediately going for the milk to put in my tea because my mom was talking to me about something and I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and then she mentioned something along the lines of humans are disgusting, and it sadly triggered my ed brain, as if to say, disgusting?? not me though, right? I don't want to be disgusting!

so anyway, I put the milk back and have decided to start my fast :)

if you've gotten this far, do you have a favorite tea flavor?? I'm pretty basic with tea, my all-time favorite is earl grey black tea by full circle market! idk why but we always carry a variety of fun teas and I always go for that one lol. I've tried some other brands of earl grey as well, but they just don't seem to cut it. and I swear the amount of caffeine that's in black tea far out ways all the other caffeinated teas. I used to drink coffee religiously but somehow after covid my tolerance for caffeine has become nonexistent :(

oh, also fun lil fact about me is that I tend to put cinnamon in nearly everything I consume lol. can you overdose on cinnamon? Jesus I hope not, I especially love it in tea but idk if that would somehow break my fast so I'm doing without it for now. as I write out my worries, I see how non sensical my brain can be sometimes :}

unrelated but why is it that every little thing that comes out of my moms mouth just get under my skin so easily?? for once she wasnt putting me down, but even so she was still in a really negative space and was just briefly mentioning how animals deserve more than humans as humans are disgusting and selfish and animals are innocent and pure. thats fine to think that way i suppose as it doesnt really harm anyone but shes been prioritizing strays over her own kids my whole life and so of course i have some sort of resentment towards the subject. i just feel the need to protect my own kind over another and she feels very differently i guess, yet other times will preach the complete opposite and it makes me question what she would do in an emergency situation.

idk this is all so fucking dumb, maybe i just want to pick any old fight for the sake of it rather than caring about the subject at hand, it all sounds so stupid and unimportant but my whole life she made sure i knew that i ruined her life for being alive but her dog has saved her life just by existing. why didnt i get out of this sooner? no one tells you there is more help available when you are a kid, and now that im not, i feel far more helpless than i did before. no one tells you it will be this way. how could they though? its all too heavy.

*excuse my poor punctuation and capitalization if you are reading this, im too tired to correct it all lol

current mood: cringeworthy doom and gloom type vibe so far today

youtube

#ed bllog #ed relapse #tw ana diary #tw ana shit #ed vent #tw ed diet #tw ana fast #ed disorder #edblrr #ed behaviour tw #starv3 #starv1ng #i wanna be weightless #i wanna be perfect #i need escapism #i need music #Youtube

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deaths-wife · 2 years

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**Fruits basket (2019) ending spoilers!!**

I iwas. i was nOT prepared for the ending of fruits basket. The speech Tohru's mom gives in the death flashback?? about living and growing old?? the fact Kyo watched her die??? oh my god Akitos arc?? she was so lonely that whole time?? every single character in that goddamn show has. so much. trauma. send them ALL to therapy PLEASE. I kin Isuzu which is. honestly worrying. and specifically in that scene where she finally accepts Tohru's help and just??? sobs on her????? wow. WOW. AND MOMIJI!!! I honestly wasnt prepared for him to grow up so much in s3 like physically and mentally that poor lil bunny :(( there was a serious lack of Uo-chan and Hanajima in s3 tho ngl bc i absolutely adore those two bitches (Uotani reminds me a lot of Beidou from GI i think bc of the hair, voice, and bad bih attitude so my sapphic ass dEFINITELY has a type oops)

anyway im so glad that everyone got their happy endings but. ngl that show has forever changed me and i will forever love it and ill miss that ill never get to watch it for the first time again. everyone in it grew so much, helped eachother, forgave people, it even addresses when Isuzu doesnt want to forgive Akito when most of the other Sohmas do (understandably, Akito damaged her SO much)

anyway have some of my favourite fruits basket quotes:

"Sure, the idea of forgetting does make me sad- but if that's what it takes, I'll grin and bear it... I do have one thing to ask you- if I forget you, please befriend me again?" - Tohru Honda, S1E2

"People like me cling to kind people. We seek them out. We leech them dry. That’s why I won’t involve anyone else in this. It’s better if I go it alone. I’ll keep running alone. Nobody has to understand me. It’s easier if they hate me. It’s better if I’m all alone. That’s what I decided, and I intend to stick with it. I decided I wouldn’t cry." - Isuzu (Rin) Sohma, ?

"I hate this. This is why I didn't want to get near her. She's that type of person. The type of person who makes me feel this. I wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to run to her, let myself lie in her lap- and surrender my heart to her. I wanted to whine and complain about my weakness. I couldn't do that. People like me lean on, yearn for- and take advantage of kind people.. I'm sorry! I'm going to lean on you- I'm so powerless- I'm so weak. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know!" - Isuzu (Rin) Sohma, S2E19

"It's scary to be by yourself. It's scary to be- on your own." - (to Isuzu) Tohru Honda, S2E19

"Come on carrots, I don't get what you are so embarrassed about. It's not like I'm asking you to pick up panties for her or something. Jeez." - best girl Uotani :3, ?

"When somebody is important to you, there are times where it can be hard, times when where they may feel lonely… but in the end, it's worth it. Happier, sad, together or apart, my weakness will always be.. Tohru." - best girl Hanajima <3, S1E21

"Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away, despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner, hope will return to you. Again and again." - Kazuma (Senpai/Master) Sohma, ?

"Even if the world doesn’t need us, we live for the people who do." - Kyoko Honda, ?

"I never thought I’d be praised. I never thought that day would come. I’m imperfect, warped, defective…and yet here is someone who’s praising me." - Machi Kuragi, ?

"If I keep trying, then someday… I’ll be strong enough that those memories can’t defeat me. I want to believe that there’s no such thing as a memory that’s okay to forget." - Momiji Sohma, ?

"I knew it. I knew it all along. Just as there’s rejection in this world, there are people who will reach out to you." - Kyo Sohma, ?

"When did I start thinking stupid, sappy things like that? And why? It's almost like… I'm…" - Kyo Sohma, S2E9

"She must have known that if she let go… I would never return. If I slipped through her hands, I'd be gone. And no one would be able to bring me back. She didn't erase all my pain or offer to solve all of my problems. She didn't fix everything that was broken. But that's not what I needed anyway. Not really. What mattered most was that… she stayed." - Kyo Sohma, S2E9

"I wish I could’ve lived my life without making any wrong turns. But that’s impossible. A path like that doesn’t exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time, we push forward. It’s all we can do. On our own two feet." - Yuki Sohma, ?

"I think it’s true what they say…crying, unexpectedly, does make you feel better. Without shame, like a child. When you get older, you forget about that. It’s not easy to have a good cry anymore." - Hatori Sohma, ?

"You've been sad- miserable- and so very lonely." - (to Akito) Tohru Honda, S3E9

"No- I'm scared! I don't want this! I was promised- so much more! This world- where no one needs me, where everyone's a stranger- I don't want it... No! It's too late! Don't you understand that? This world is unrecognisable. There are no promises, or bonds- no hope of eternity. I'm scared. I can't live surrounded by strangers- alone. Without any guarantee that- I'll be loved? I can't." - Akito Sohma, S3E9

"The second I cry, you'll decide you've had enough. If I complain, you'll get mad. You'll stop liking me- and throw me out of your life!" - (to Tohru) Akito Sohma, S3E9

"Akito- please, don't cry. It's alright. Everything's alright, the scary times are over. You made it." - Tohru Honda, S3E9

"I'm begging you please, do what I cant. Protect my baby girl... Sorry, honey. I guess this is goodbye. I have to go- but I pray that you'll be happy. I pray that your years will be full of people who love you. Live the kind of life you can be proud of in the end. Even if you make mistakes, or take the long way around. Live so that- when it's your time to go- people will say; "You fought well." Have lots of happy times, and sad times, and everything in-between. That's how I want you to grow old." - Kyoko Honda, S3E12

ok thats it, promise.

ik like no one will read this post so its mostly for myself but if anyone out there in the void also enjoys fruits basket- pls take this offering xoxo

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mydemonsdrivealimo · 1 year

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Hii 😍

If your MC / OC could be any song or any movie what would it be and why?

sorry this took so long i analyzed it to death and practically came up with an essay

ive narrowed it down to two (and coming off of my 30+ song jensen playlist that's pretty good asdfghjk)

the first is Fun by sir sly

this is jensen pre knowing what he wants to do with his life. he worked his ass off and got into a lot of trouble for him and his mom when he was younger, and the second he was away at college he was ready to say fuck all that. before moving in with his foster family, everything he did was for someone else. he never did anything for his own benefit, and was more worried about keeping the family afloat. after his foster family disproved some of those beliefs, he was pretty much ready to jump off the deep end when he had his own space

i think this song fits so well because its the moment where he questioned whether or not if that was what he wanted. he was finally doing everything he thought wanted (and getting phenomenal grades on top of that) but he was doing stupid things purely for the fact that he could even though it wasnt something he really believed in. did he really want to play in a band full-time? did he want to go on tour and forget everything he had spent so much time building? did he want to keep partying and getting high every weekend? or, did he actually want to do something with himself and fully commit to his education? suddenly they had a label offer and this new lifestyle was solidifying and he didn't want it. sure, he had his fun. he had time to do things he never thought he could, but he needed something different and that was the biggest turning point

~~~

second song is RUNAWAY by half·alive

this one is lowkey very similar as for timeline but beside that asdfghjk,,

right after aforementioned breakdown, jensen didnt know wtf he was going to do. he needed to throw himself into something, anything that could consume his time and act as a sufficient distraction. he was aiming for psychology already, and had most of the medical gen eds, and decided to go pre med instead. he was completely lost for a few months, even considered dropping out and moving back to colombia, but took a step back and realized he didnt need to figure it out all right then. he was already on track to finish out his degree and take some summer classes to put himself back on course, and he had to be okay with that. he had to realize that he would figure some of it out as he went, and he didnt have to make a split second change

#anyway tysm i loved this question #i have at least 6 more songs i could talk about but i will refrain #jensen valentine #open heart #open heart mc #asks answers #open heart choices

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tears-of-boredom · 11 months

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i want to be dead. but you know, in that passive way where its just kind of a fact. im pretty sure its just my womanly hormones talking but i really dont see myself ever getting out of this mud. metaphorical mud i mean. im like laying in mud, and sometimes i manage to stand up,, but you know, im still standing in it, and covered in it. and eventually i fall back down. you know i seemingly really like to make up stupid metaphors. i have no idea why, maybe it makes me feel smart.

im tired. tomorrow i have a driving lesson. my first one. ever. im not really worried for myself, i just feel like the teacher is going to be dissapointed in me or something.

ive been having annoying dreams. in the last one i was smoking with my sibling and i talked to them about how ive been having so many dreams where ive smoked. i hate that my dreams do that. reference other dreams as if they arent dreams themselves. makes it harder to wake up ya know. i wish id have a positive dream for once. amybe one about moving on my own and getting away from this family finally. or more like just getting away from mom. shes literally the only one i want to be away from.

ive been decorating my room. setting up shelves and buying trinkets from kontti. it kind of halted because i couldnt figure out why our nail gun wasnt accepting the nails i was putting in it, and then i couldnt find any other kind. and i didnt want to ask mom for help. and also i decided to do the net thing, which is the main thing, cuz ill hang shit from it. i guess i could hammer a hook into the wall for a painting...but the point was that ive been thinking about the fact that if i wanna move before im 18, all this decoration ive been planning wont have the opportunity to be up for that long. but also that was the reason that ive literally never felt comfortable decorating my room, even when the ones that were completely my own. and i decided that this time im not gonna make that mistake and just decorate if i want to, no thinking about how itll have to be taken down eventually.

anyways im just really sad, and i visited my sister recently and i was really close to crying just because her apartment seemed so safe and so much like it was hers. and i like really want that for myself. and im just sad. and i dont wanna go to the driving lesson tomorrow. not because i dont wanna go to the lesson itself, but because i feel like ill be like at my worst, and thus wont get that much out of it.

i really want to get out of this house. when we were moving, there was like two weeks where me and my brother spent the nights at this new apartment, while mom slept at the old one, just because our trips to school would be much shorter. and those two weeks felt like heaven honestly. i didnt even realise why i felt so good and happy, until mom started sleeping here as well, and all the joy drained from me in an instant.

i dont know how to express to the adults in my life how much i want to live on my own. because im just a child. a fifteen year old child. and living with a different adult wont work. it has to be alone. i can promise you that when i fucking get that apartment, no matter how small or shitty, i will cry tears of happiness and relief.

im hesitant to even type these words but: maybe i should talk to my mom about this. just tell her that i really want to move out. no feeling-sharing needed.

i wanna go skydiving without a parachute. soar through the air for the first and last time in my life.

i wish i could fly. ive wished that for a long time. i remember wishing it ever vacation i had to spend up north. and everytime i spent a recess alone in the school yard.

i hate that im crying just because im menstruating. it makes me feel like my emotions arent true. not like i trust my emotions to be true any other fucking time.

why is life like this. why do so many people get to live so easy lives and then i have to do this shit.

ohhkay i just felt the urge to go get a knife so im not going to feed my own anger.

im tired.

its weird because i do dissociate clearly, but its always more liek just, my body seems weird, and it feels realy creepy how my body just moves when i want it to. and i feel like im just watching through someone elses eyes. it cant be me whos so good at typing. im clumsy, i struggle with guitar chords and mute the wrong strings. why are my hands so soft. it feels really gross to be in this body. but still, in the back of my head i know that im ust making this all up in my head. because who the fuck else is this. of course its my finger that are typing my thoughts out.

even my fucking ring looks weird and foreign.why does my skin have a texture. why are humans os fucking gross.why do i have to feel things.

oh my god im driving myself into a fucking meltdown right down im going to force myself to stop.

#venting #sorry #and i took off my glasses so i cant see my screen that well so im not fixing the typos..#ew why does being a human feel so gross..

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teethandclawsxx · 6 months

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grrrrr bad day vent/rant below

waiting doing literally nothing not even scrolling tumblr for six hours because i was really excited to get to start [show] with [redacted] (no one here) and then finally found out that they actually decided not to HOURS ago bc they dont feel well (fair) but they just forgot to tell me so ive wasted the whole day for Literally nothing, plus the last few hours ive been starving like my stomach hurts and has been growling but i was Waiting so i couldnt go get a snack or whatever and i figured itd be fine cause i could just eat dinner when mom makes it BUT now i found out that she made dinner like 3 hours earlier than usual and supposedly she came and asked if i wanted to eat and i told her i wasnt feeling well but that is a blatant lie because if she said anything at all it was probably from two rooms away (she often does this) and i didnt hear her let alone respond (she probably hallucinated it lol) bc i again wasnt doing anything so no headphones! so i probably would have heard her even if she was on the other side of the house okay. and so i didnt get to eat dinner so fuck me. also dinner is, as per usual, something that will make me really sick, (like. literally she just has to not make tacos spaghetti or pizza. those are the only foods ive asked her not too make too often bc they make me really sick. and yet thats what she makes almost every time she cooks with no breaks for my stomach to recover and its not like we have anything else for me to eat so i just have to eat it and get sick. by the way fun fact from my childhood they used to get mad at me for getting up to go to the bathroom during dinner, but it was because the food was making me sick. those three things literal ly make me so sick i cant even finish eating before i have to run to the toilet. like its that bad and yet does she care? of course not. oh and also i cant find any of my hair bands so i cant even go heat up my stupid fucking taco stuff which is going to be nasty because its reheated AND make me sick because my hair is too long and will get in the food bc its too thick and wont stay out of the way without being tied. and also also i was gonna try to make food ANYWAY but i couldnt even stand for 10 seconds before i was in too much pain like its bad enough that i feel like im about to cry.

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ithisatanytime · 9 months

Video

youtube

Astra King - Make Me Cry (Official Video)

i just woke up and went to talk to my sister, and both my mom and sister were talking about races and how bad it can be with black on white violence etc. and i was telling them how i am worried genuinely about black people and how i feel like jews have put their asses in danger and they dont even know it. my sister was telling me about how she feels like as a woman its hard to even offer a solution because even something like segregation what about the one good nonviolent black guy it hurts, and i related it to the trolly problem and how it wasnt a real moral dillema that passivity is a choice, the fact that there has to be a trolly and a junction box and all this razzle dazzle to distract you from the fact that passivity is in itself a choice proves my point, but then she told me she thought the trolly problem was just people being like is it better to kill one person or three, and i was like thats not the trolly problem, and then she was like i swear to god thats what people argue about with the trolley problem, and i was like woah dont swear to god, i believe you! i believe you! but thats not the trolly problem and then she was like “why are you bringing religion into this!?” and i was like “WHAT!?” and she was still going so i just left. she takes offense to everything i say, first of all i bring religion with me where ever i go because im a fucking christian, and second she brought it into it by swearing to god. by far its the stupidest fight ive ever had, its just silly, i had no animosity or ill will towards her whatsover, its a goddamn thought exercise. ‘

truth is two years ago she did the mental math and decided friendship with me isnt worht it anymore and has spent the entire time justifying it to herself, this is what all women do “last year when you said X” thats where this comes from, you said some shit too bitch i just got over it because forgiveness is a christian virtue. i still forgive her stupid ass even though she DOES hate me. god tried to tell me, he tells me again and again. the worst thing is shes not christian, if i werent christian she wouldnt be, having a younger sister as a man without parents is the fucking worst, because they will just straight jack your entire swag like they didnt even do anything and our mom was too self centered to recognize that for the danger that it is, no you are not an alt right lesbian, you are a POOR jacob but you make a fine... shit i cant remember her name now, i want to say it starts with N, but she makes a fine whatever she is, she should just be that.

#youtube

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kath-artic · 9 months

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complainingg

i dont know if im insane or if this is a normal thing to be upset about, but i get kind of upset when my mom sees me enjoying something and decides to make it her whole personality. i started juggling first, but now people automatically assume she taught me. i liked arthropods my whole life and it wasnt until i dragged my mom to a tarantula exhibit that she started collecting them so people assume i take after her (or worse they think that i think its weird). my mom HATED the lighthouse until i'd watched it 20 times and memorized the script and made sock puppets and then she gave it a second chance and now she collects all this merch and regurgitates stuff i've told her about the movie but says it incorrectly and won't let me talk. i knowwww i have a gatekeeping problem and i dont want to make her feel stupid when she says the wrong things and of course i want her to be happy and enjoy things, but its just frustrating to have my personality appropriated bevause it makes it so that the community spaces i hang out in are no longer for me and instead become spaces where i will never be more than someones daughter. i also get annoyed when she tries to explain my studies to people right in front of me or introduces me to people (i've expressed this to her and she still does it) because in doing that she just reduces me to a child. i suppose this all wouldnt bother me so much if she didnt also constantly complain about the fact that i got to "go on vacation" (i.e. i worked really hard to be able to study abroad for a month in the summer) and spent the entirety of that time when i was away frantically calling me to tell me the most basic shit (like straight up explaining how to cook a fuckingnsausage like i'm five years old) and/or calling to tell me i was an embarrassment. i just can never tell if shes jealous of me or if im full of myself. maybe its both.

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cemoras27 · 11 months

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small vent about my school experience

this was brought on by reading a little ficlet that happened to hit EXTREAMLY CLOSE to home for me. Im afab living in the midwest in a small town, however the town I live in is NOT my hometown. so everyone in my graduating class had known eachother from diapers basicly. in fact when I did an internship thing at the public library(necessary to graduate) and the directer/woman in charge who was also from out of town agreed that we were called 'transplants'. I have lived here since I was 8. 11 years I have lived here and still don't feel welcomed

in the 8th grade I was in band and at the end of the year the teacher had decided to reveal what the words she had given us at the begining of the year was for. she called out a name and the first person to answer had gotten it wrong, ok big deal. HOWEVER WHEN I GOT IT WRONG I WAS OUT FOR THE REST OF THE CLASS. THE FUCKING BOY WASNT OUT AND WHEN I POINTED IT OUT SHE SAID THAT HE WAS OK OR SOMETING ALONG THOSE LINES AND I HAD REALLY LIKED THIS TEACHER BUT THIS FUCKING RUNINED HER IN MY EYES MY FUCKING GOD I JUST WANTED HER TO DIE I KNOW THATS NOT HEALTHY OR NORMAL BUT JUST CHRIST. I REALLY ONLY HAD MY INTELLANGCE FOR MY CONFIDANCE AND IT FELT LIKE SHE ATTACKED ME I DONT KNOW WHY

i hate history classes because of 2 teachers mrs. G and mrs. c. mrs. G was also the typing class teacher and was SUPER PICKY about the positioning of our hands and no joke i had never finished a typing lesson because of her. the only times I finished one was when she had retired the next year. that bitterness carried over to her history classes where she just was so boring. she barely decorated her room too it was shit. I dont know why anyone in the school liked her she was a bitch. So happy she retired wish she had done it sooner.

MRS C WAS SO MUCH WORSE. BITCH HAD 3 LESSONS AND THAT WAS IT NO VARITY JUST WORKSHEET AFTER WORKSHEET AFTER WORKSHEET THE ONLY CHANGE WAS WHEN WE HAD A STUDENT TEACHER AND HE MADE A PLAN. WISH THAT GUY A BRIGHT FUTURE. BUT C JUST FUCKING SUCKED. THEN SHE DECIDED TO LIE TO MY PARENTS AT MY IEP. WHAT THE FUCK.

I READ FANFIC IN CLASS, THIS WAS A KNOWN PROBLEM BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO DO CLASS WORK JUST READ. I WOULD ALSO LISTEN TO MUSIC WHENEVER I COULD. C SAID THAT I HAD A PROBLEM WITH PUTTING MY EARBUDS IN DURING CLASS. LIKE WHEN SHE WAS TALKING AND THAT WAS BLATENTLY FALSE I PUT MY MUSIC ON AFTER SHE WAS DONE TEACHING AND HAD GIVEN US TIME TO WORK CUNT I HOPE SHE DIES SOMEONE TAKE AN AXE TO HER HEAD PLEASE THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER

now again im afab and i likely have some nurodivergance that has led to a lot of unconscious masking. leading in to what was my biggest pet peeve of people acting dumber than what i know them to be. Notably the boys (one in particular really) and everytime someing stupid came out of his mouth i just wanted to cause bodily and psychological harm to him and his family.

the fic had remined me of a time where mrs C had pulled me into the hallway and told me to call my mom. i didn't want to obviously and this was very public for my sophomore peers to see. i had stomped a little and she told me to stop acting like a child and I just thought about how i never had really gotten a chance to act like a kid when it was appropriate because I was 'so mature for my age' and i just thought back to the guy the got on my nerves. and how he acts like hes fucking ten every day and doesnt get called out for it at all. but i do ONE childish act its stop acting like a kid your too old for that

#vent post #tw vent #tw intrusive thoughts #i think at least #high school experiance

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audreyrambles · 2 years

Text

14/10/22

I feel so defeated.

I was supposed to go to a concert tomorrow night and I was so excited. but today I finally decided to tell my mom. I had already confirmed I was going and everything because I knew it wouldnt be a problen if I just lied.

but for some stupid reason today I decided to tell my mom the truth because it wasnt that bad.

she shot me down.

immediately.

didnt hear me out, nothing.

I have to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.

to her, shes “protecting” me.

to me, shes not letting me socialize and solidifying the fact that everything I do in my life revolves around work of some sort.

to further rub salt in my wound, she made me take down the posters of my favourite bands in my room.

the shit that makes me happy

the shit that makes me, ME

no individuality, no freedom, no fun.

I am going insane.

I want to act out and lash out and hurt myself.

all I fucking do in life is school work and work work.

next week I have an “awards night” for school. I worked so hard to A) get the grades and B) get work off that night. but I dont even want to go anymore. because its fucking WORK.

I hate everything right now.

#audreys rambles

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irl · 2 years

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deep dab

tldr i like piercings ig

vent//

okay so i just had like. an epiphany.

not really an epiphany. it wasnt that profound. i honestly shouldve caught this wayyyy earlier but its fine ig sometimes it takes a little oomfa to get the motors going sometimes

so like for a really long time i had (have) body image and self image issues. recently is been pretty much complete and total depersonalization so its easier to cope with and im actually getting a lot better about like. the internalized shit i had about myself

from people like my mom and like my cousin (not cousin? technically?) and grandparents and apparently i guess some girls i thought i was close to and could trust but ig seriously couldnt bcos damn That Happened im gonna have to tuck That away to unpack for later oof. anyway. also my sister and countless classmates and even teachers. strangers constantly. yknow. the normal shit.

Through the depersonalization i was able to like. idk. im good at shifting my paradigm at a switch if im able to find the right expression to use in the moment. its funny. i always said that while i was with the hippie one day i decided to be pretty and became stupid instead (which Wow another thing just occurred to me and ill have to wait to address that later too ig damn).

—

i got distracted and lost that train of thought. luckily that was just rambling ive regained the original tracks choo choo. bitch

anyway. grew up struggling with Issues and when i was like a mid to late teens?? i realized i. looked exactly like my mom. and if i made a certain expression i was her splitting image. it scared me. and ive never felt

At Home in myself. its hard to recognize myself in the mirror

but in my journey with transitioning, ive gone down the road of body mods. ive gotten pierced over thirty times and i have plans for at least twenty more. every piercing i get, the more at home i feel in my own body. even if i cant recognize the person in the mirror, still, its not horrifying to look at. i feel attractive and powerful.

when i lost half of my piercings in one fell swoop back in the hippie arc, i felt like i lost my face. it caused so much dysphoria and dysmorphia. ive only just barely gotten to the point where i feel like ive adequately recovered, even if i dont have Everything repierced yet, and the incident happened december 2019.

and i finally connected some of the dots. my mom Hates bodymods. she Especially hates piercings anywhere other than ears (fun fact, my ear lobes were my second piercing. my first was my tongue lol) and. with each piercing i get, the further away i am from ever looking like her

plus testosterone is helping lol

#txt #journal #ough

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toomuchdickfort · 4 years

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Just gonna. Complain in the tags for a bit

#don’t mind me #i’m just complaining #but god im tired of not being able to deal with a whole entire fucking word #like im just listening to critical role and someone rolls to attack some creature and doesnt roll high wnough to hir and the dm goes #‘that fails’ and now im just sitting here feeling all bad and honestly this is bullshit? like i dont even have to deal with this most if the #time. and this literally wasnt to me. it was in such a different context. i wanna cry and its fucking stupid #and one of these days im gonna confront my dad about this #but thats something that needs to be done face to face and without his wife there #i thought i was done but im back to add more tags bc i just gotta keep going #fail is like. its such a fucking normal word. and i hate how bad it makes me feel.#a text with just that and a picture was what made me decide not to go back to dad’s house tbh. like if my bf at the time hadnt asked me if #we should just stop and have mom pick me up then i would have taken my laptop bag and a backpck of clothes and left in the middle of the nig #ht. i would have walked to the cvs and called mom to come get me. and the fact that dad would so casually comment that smth was a fail #i end up like. thinking it in response to things in dad’s voice. and it sucks and i hate it #and #idk #i have more to say but dont have the words to say it

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niskoo · 3 years

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Memories kept in the pink hoodie

pairing: Ex! Heeseung x reader

genre: angst, fluff in the end ig, breakup! AU

warnings: swearing, uhhh they like break down together

word count: 2.2k words OMG

a/n: another one of my requests!! thank you all for the ideas its really helping!! mmm this one was very interesting to write because i usually write crack/fluff, aaannndd ive literally never done anything ive written IURHWIU thank you for the great idea anon <33 THIS HELPED SO MUCH OMG USUALLY MY ANGST SUCKS BUT IM PRETTY PROUD OF THIS AAAA ALSO IM SORRY IF THIS WASNT REALLY WHAT YOU WANTED IDK THERE ALWAYS HAS TO BE FLUFF IN MY IMAGINES IG 😓😭

feel free to request and help get rid of my writers block!!

a bit based off of 'try again' by jaehyun and d.ear

You should've known the consequences of dating an idol, you should've been careful. Of course they wouldn't let you be together, he's in one of the rising groups, heck, he was in one of the biggest companies.

It wasn't necessarily the company's fault you were so heartbroken, it's both your faults. You couldn't help but blame each other for how careless you were. You know better than to make things worse, and yet you did.

The evening you go back to his dorm after being confronted by the company, you two started a huge argument of who's fault it was. Either it was his fault for not taking caution during work, or your fault for always checking up on him. All loving actions in the past became reasons for why you should break up, thus cracking your relationship further.

When you went home that night, with your backpack full of your things, you did nothing. You didn't cry, you didn't rage, you simply thought that this was the end, you felt guilty that it had to end like this, instead of just working it out and breaking it off peacefully.

Your heart was left cracked and hurt for sure, but this time, you blame yourself. You shouldn't have met him, you shouldn't have got to know him, it's all your fault. And for the first time that night, you cry.

Your heart clenched at every thought of having to leave Heeseung, more tears falling at the fact that he's not gonna be a part of your life anymore. He's gone, and it's all your fault.

It's when you unpack your things when you realize you still have a bunch of things left at his place, you realize you never want to go back and face him.

You leave your stuff there for the next 2 days, your heart still unready to confront and be reminded of the fact that Heeseung is gone. Unfortunately, he has other plans.

Your phone lights up, and the last name you want to see is lighting the phone up.

'Hey... you left some of your stuff.'

You instantly turn your phone off, breaths picking up as you quickly look away from it and finish your lunch. You can feel the anxiety filling your body as you notice it light up once again, and it swarms in your chest even more when your mother winces at the next text.

You put down your spoon, quickly glancing at the text.

'If you want, you can come by and pick them up? I'll pack them for you...'

Your heart clenches yet once again, you know it's true, literally half your stuff is still there and you have to pick them up. You unlock your phone, quickly sending an 'okay' before completely shutting your phone down. You wouldn't stand a second more looking at his contact.

You decide to go at 11, because that's when the other members are at the company training. You don't know if Heeseung's gonna be there to give you your things, a part of you hopes he is, another hopes he's not there. But then again, who else would open the door for you?

You stand outside the familiar door nervously, picking on your nails and the lint on the hem of your cardigan. Just as you were about to knock, the door swung open, and instead of your ex boyfriend standing there it's the youngest of the group, his eyes wide and puffy lips parted.

As usual, he woke up late. You can't help but chuckle as he picks his shoes up and scurries down the stairs, bidding him a friendly goodbye.

You almost forget about Heeseung, but as you hear shuffling from inside, it all comes back.

You two share awkward glances, the tension slowly building itself back up. Instead of the heated, rage filled tension, this time the tension is guilty, and without each other knowing, yearning.

“T-this way,” Heeseung mutters tightly, eyes glued to the ground as he shuffled quickly to the living room. You follow along just a few seconds later, still processing the fact that this is the end. He could be gone out of your life after this, it’s your last chance to speak.

Your eyes slowly travel up when you stop, the beating of your heart quickening with the slight burning in your eyes. Lo and behold, there your things laid, ready for you to bring back home. You can’t help but notice how it’s packed completely how Heeseung would pack, neat and with care. It’s not too stuffed, it’s in the perfect place.

Biting at the dead skin of your lip, you trudge towards the duffle bag—his duffle bag—and kneel down to grab the handle. The moment you pick it up, you notice how the bag isn’t fully zipped, and a certain pink sleeve peaks out from the tiny space.

All too familiar, the pink sleeve was. It was the one he took from Daniel in I-land. He knew you loved it, for you loved the kid like your little brother. But, he can’t. It’s his, it’s his favorite, he can’t just give it to his ex.

You instantly place the bag down, the tears starting to well up in frustration and sadness. You zip open the bag and take the pink hoodie out, before shoving it into Heeseung’s chest, “Take it, Heeseung, Please don’t give it to me.”

It takes him a few moments, before Heeseung is shaking his head and handing it back to you. “No, it’s practically yours anyway. And you really like it right? It’s just a-“

“Don’t tell me it’s just a hoodie!”

You both are shocked at your sudden burst, frozen in your spot. Your breathing is heavy, like a weight is holding it down and slowing your breathing. There are tears keeping your cheek moist, warm, they stream down continuously, the sensation as if there was fire dripping from your eyes and burning your skin.

Heeseung’s just on the verge of crying himself, the grip on the pink hoodie deathly, he feels the material ripping against his skin. How did it come to this? When did it even happen? It all feels surreal, to think what you two had could fall apart.

All the happy moments in your relationship fading to memories, the hoodie representing the fact itself is true. None of you wanted to take it, afraid it would remind you of the other.

Deep down, you wanted to keep it, keep the memories it held, keep the tears that once soaked it when you vented all your stress to him, keep the scent of Heeseung that lingered on the fabric. You were just too afraid of being reminded that along with the happy memories, came the sad memories of the night you fought and broke it off.

Your grip on the poor hoodie eases, as you slide to the floor helplessly with tears messing your face up. You desperately wanted to hold the pink piece of clothing and keep it forever, and another part of you cursed at you for being too vulnerable.

Your hand quickly wipes away the tears on your cheeks and chin harshly, almost hitting yourself for being so sensitive. Before you could do the action again, a softer grasp is stopping your hand, Heeseung’s other hand reaching up to brush the tears away dearly, blowing your hair away from your face.

Before you could even bring yourself to stop, you’re already reacting to his touch, cowering into his hold and placing your hand over his on your cheek, almost intertwining them together.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper into his palm, your other hand reaching up to grasp at his t-shirt. You’re sorry for so many reasons, for not being careful, for all the things you said in the argument, for making a sudden commotion just because of a stupid hoodie. “I’m so sorry...”

“Shh, it’s alright, it’s alright.” Heeseung grabs you into his infamous embrace you would hate to leave, stroking your back with patterns just the way he knew you loved, just the way it would calm you down. “We’ll be alright.”

More tears fall between your eyelashes, dripping and soaking into Heeseung’s shoulder as he himself sniffles quietly into your hair. None of you want to leave each other behind, it’s the painful truth that you both can’t have, the truth you’ve always feared.

A sudden feeling of relief fills you up inside, his words reassure you in a way, we’ll be alright, you’ll be okay, it just had to leave his lips for you to believe it. You crawl closer to Heeseung, squeezing yourself in his bear hug, “We’ll be okay, we can make it right,”

A hoarse and hearty laugh leaves Heeseung, it shakes right by your ear as you press it against his chest, and he nods, “Yeah,”

He gently pulls your head back right in front of his, wiping the last of your tears and tucking the stray hairs back to the back of your ear, “Let’s just talk,” his whisper tickles your nose, causing you to lightly giggle at the feeling, his lips pressing softly against the pink tinted skin, “Make everything better?”

You nod, finally grasping at the pink hoodie and holding it tight to your chest as Heeseung laughs and bonks his forehead right on yours.

For the next few hours, you talk, make up, talk some more, maybe even a small cuddle, but that’s a secret. You make ramen for when the other members come back from practice, you feel happy to see the members thank you and eat with enthusiasm, you feel glad this is how your last moments together last.

Now you have the (practically ripped) pink hoodie in your arms as you bid the boys goodbye, slightly tearing up at the sight of them sadly waving, but you keep it in and continue your way back home, where you would tell your mom how you ended it on good terms.

And that night, you slip on the pink hoodie before you sleep, and you feel a piece of paper poking at your arm. You’re surprised to see a crumpled envelope poking out, your name written messily in blue ink.

You pull the envelope out quickly, opening it out with something bubbling in the pit of your stomach as you notice the handwriting as Heeseung’s.

‘My dear Y/n,

Hello there! I don’t know if i got the guts to make it right with you or if i pussied out and watched you as you drove away with regrets, but that’s what this letter is for. hopefully you didn’t throw this letter away hehe

i just wanted to thank you. for everything. your love, your care, your trust, Your happiness, thank you for everything you’ve given me. im sorry we had to end our journey, but know that you’ll be in my mind everyday. when we practice, I’ll remember your encouraging smile, when we win, I'll remember the fact that it’s you who gave me the courage to start this whole career.

i love you y/n. we’ll both probably find our other person in the future, but you’ll forever be in my heart as my first love, my first heartbreak, my best memory. thank you for helping me through my hardest times, thank you for helping the other boys through their worst times, especially jungwon, he’ll miss you the most.

i guess this is goodbye, y/n. not forever, of course, but for some time. thank you for everything, i hope you enjoyed the times we had together as much as i did.

with all the love in my heart,

Lee Heeseung :)’

You wipe at your tears for the nth time that day, folding the paper back into the envelope. “Fuck you Heeseung, you’ve ruined my makeup again!” You curse under your breath as you slip the letter into a certain box at the corner of your bedside table, patting your cheeks one last time.

You truly cherish the memories you had with Heeseung. You hope he does too.

#ehypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen angst #enhypen fluff #enhypen blurbs #enhypen drabbles #enhypen x reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen heeseung #lee heeseung #lee heeseung angst #lee heeseung fluff #lee heeseung blurbs #lee heeseung x reader #lee heeseung scenarios

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yellowbluemoonshine · 3 years

Text

The Wrong Way to Put Out Fire

I wanna talk about some details about Touya, Todoroki family and the different situtions Touya and Shouto had.

Touya is introduced us as innocent, nice kid who just wants to enjoy his father.

Thats actually first difference we saw between Touya and Shouto. Sometimes children fond of one of their parents more than other one. For Touya, he was daddy’s boy. Shouto is more like mommmy’s boy. (Even their clothes are parallels. Fire, ice. Daddy, mommy.)

And let me say this;

This marriage was wrong to begin with. Quirk marriage, the fact that Endeavour decided to put his ambitions on his children is wrong.

But as a first born, for Touya, his family was normal. Children dont magically understand what is right or wrong.

He simply saw that he got his father’s attention and it made him really really happy. Training was the bond he had with his father. Touya’s thoughts probably like; I am daddy’s son, my father is really happy when i become more strong etc etc.

Even he realize his family is different from other people, he probably simply thought that it might be different but its their thing. This is why we saw Touya as happy. Touya felt special when he got his father’s all attention.

And Touya saw his mother is okay with it. He probably saw that many times even when father being disrespectfull, mom doesnt seem to mind that much. This is probably why he starts to looks down on his mother too. Its just children dont respect adults who dont respect theirselves. If child think he can get away with it, they would simply do it. Mommy allows daddy to be the boss of the house, mommy allows daddy’s to be disrespectfull to herself so its ok to disrespectfull to mommy too. Thats how children think in those situtions.

What was Shouto’s difference then?

Shouto as last born, he never think his family is normal or this sitution is okay cause when Shouto is born, everyone in family already starts to break down. Mommy wasnt okay at all.

Endeavour put his own ambitions on Touya’s shoulders, he gave him impossible expectations which is literally name of the chapter. Wrong way to put out the fire. Those impossible expectations is abuse, btw.

Everything started cause Endeavour put out fire on wrong place, his family.

And after Touya failed, he was thrown away. Touya probably felt like; his father took him to the highest hill of the building, made him feel special but then threw him down.

Touya started to get the attention he had at first place to the point he started to burn himself over and over again. Look at how terryfying he looks when his brothers were born...

At this point, he understand he is replacable which made him question why was he born at first place.

Of course, Touya wouldnt listen Endeavour when he said ‘there is a life outside of being a hero’ cause Endeavour himself doesnt live his life like that. Children arent stupid, they observe adults’s actions too. Endeavour’s words condract with his actions thats why his words didnt reach out to Touya.

Touya was in a lot of pain to the point his heigh stopped growing (Look how he is shorter than his siblings), burns himself, his hair starts to change probably cause he used his quirk too much, he even starts to pull his hair which is sign of suicide. He was literally small kid who was mentally breaking down and he expressed his pain every way he can do but he was ignored.

Fuyumi-chan didnt understand him. Natsuo-kun doesnt listen him either. (Touya thought Fuyumi-chan didnt understand her cause she is girl but the reason she and Natsuo doesnt understand is they didnt have the same expectation at first place.)

And mommy is at fault too cause she is the one who allowed daddy to raised him like this at first place. She is the one the accepted this marriage, she is responsible too.

For a child, to be understood is very important thing but they didnt get it. He realized his siblings dont understand him. Even though, Touya was so mentally unstable to the point he attack his baby brother, his parents still didnt get him help or didnt specifically take care of him, instead they constantly ignore him. They kept telling him to forget what happenned and look other way.

This is exactly why Touya couldnt hold on something else cause in deep, he knows only way to be seen is prove himself.

For Touya, his mother didnt there for him. His mother allowed this to happen too. This is why his situtions are opposite of Shouto’s.

Touya thought family is normal, his daddy loves him, this is why training was fun.

This is why he end believing everything Endeavour taught him. Even he uses same words, literally in same chapter.

‘I live in different world from others.’

Shouto realized family isnt normal and father is the one who make everyone unhappy. This is why he hated training cause he realized father is forcing him.

For Touya, mother wasnt there for him and ignored his pain.

For Shouto, his mother was there for him, this is why she became his emotional support.

This is also why Shouto tried to protect mom cause Rei at this point was really in pain and she was reaching her breaking point. Mommy is there for me, i love mommy but dad make mommy upset, dad is the bad guy here.

Meanwhile for Touya, he didnt really see his mom as sad, he saw her being okay with sitution, thats why he probably think that the way Endeavour treat her as normal cause she accepted this sitution.

All those opposite situitons made them think opposite way. Not because one is good or bad, its just they had different kind of abuse. (Also hair symbolism is nice parallel too).

Though despite opposite situtions, they were also similar too. They were so cold child soldiers who only think about getting revenge from father, just opposite way cause Shouto has.

Touya waited his father to come forest to watch him but Endeavıur didnt come until Touya was burn to death.

Touya’s death wasnt just an accident but its both also suicide and murder. Touya was suicidal, he kept burning himself but parents didnt look at him and Endeavour is the one who push him this mental state. Even Touya says himsef;

‘After all, the only thing he taught me was how to turn up the heat’

Touya had to burn and reborn to get daddy’s attention again but even after his death, he was hardly mentioned by his family. I mean if Dabi never become a villain, they wouldnt even discuss this case as family.

And i honestly dislike how Todoroki handle this sitution.

Rei says everyone is responsible but Shouto, Fuyumi and Natsuo were children, its not their fault. Rei is at fault for not being there for Touya and Endeavour is the most at fault for making Touya mentally unstable. I hate how children carry the mistakes of Endeavour, it wasn their fault.

And with their talk, they made it sound like Shouto is better than Touya cause look, he became a hero and he forgave them!

I mean, Shouto didnt have much choice cause Endeavour forced him to be a hero. Even Endeavour wasnt there, Shouto had emotional support (mom) and inspiration (allmight) to be hero, he also has strong qurik so no wonder he can be hero, you know. But Touya didnt have any of it. He didnt have emotional support, inspiration to be better or strong quirk.

Not even need to mention how both Early-Shouto and Dabi obsess with revenge, cold child soldiers who dont pay attention to people around them. Just Shouto was in better environment and then he met Deku and he started to heal.

Even Shouto saw himself in Dabi, how he could be like him but he was lucky to be saved. Even their wound smbolically shows their pain. For Shouto, it was boiling water but for Touya, it was very strong fire that will burn him to dush.

Yeah, Dabi is villain but even so. To Deku, Shigaraki is completely stranger but he still thoguht that he needs to be saved. Meanwhile, Todoroki family knew what happenned to Touya. They are personally involved with him but i found it weird it how they didnt mention about ‘saving him’.

I mean maybe thats what they will try eventually but still....i think heroes are good, villains are bad sitution contnues even in this sitution cause they say Dabi is the one who needs to be stopped and Endeavour is the one who take a hand.

Shouto needs to offer that hand to Dabi, not Endeavour cause the one who needs to be saved is Dabi/Touya, not Endeavour.

Not to mention how Best Jeanist and Hawks coldy listen sitution.

I guess, even after this, they still dont really look at Dabi’s pain cause if they saw it, at least they would talk about helping him more than stopping him...what a tragedy.

Touya, after everything he had been through is still ignored, even by his own family, remind me of Tenko’s sitution :’))).

#bnha 302 #todoroki touya #mha meta #bnha analysis #dabi

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