#and serce as a constant reminder that im not as good friends with anyone as they are with each other

[szczylpierdolony]

so many things about me could be explained by the fact that i didnt know people hung out with their school friends during summer/school breaks until i was 17

#like obv i knew you could do that #but it never occured to me that it actually happens #i used to go to summer camp with school friends in elementary school but that usually made me feel worse #for gender reasons mostly #theres something cruel about being the only girl and being separated from your friends for that #i remember one year they wanted girls in one bus and boys in the other one #and if it wasnt for the fact that my mom decided it was stupid and that i should be able to sit with my friends and that there was luckily #a free seat in that boys bus i wouldve to ride alone #idk #but other than summer camps i rarely saw anyone during summer breaks #and it was always normal for me to not see or talk to anyone for 3 months #and idk now it feels like thats how im meant to spend my time so i continually turn everyone down when they ask me if i want to meet up #i was in a group chat with some uni friends a while back and group chatę always inevitably make me feel like im weird and boring and unfunny #and serce as a constant reminder that im not as good friends with anyone as they are with each other #and im not used to texting ppl either not unless i have a specific question thats usually school related #so i. just left that chat and i had people ask me about it bc they were worried the said sth mean/offensive #and i had to make a fool of myself and explain that it was anxiety inducing #everyone was nice about it but it still makes me feel like shit #but ik id feel awful if i stated in it too #anyway im never going to make real kasting friendships and at this point i dont even know if i want to