#and if anyone’s got any other questions about my art/process/experiences please feel free to ask! 😊 🙏

[chessdaze]

@khoc-week​ : DAY ONE: APPEARANCES

Me back at it again with almost forgetting about KHOC Week, But thankfully I decided to do my heartsmiths this year so I already had some refs laying around that I just needed to finish coloring! Sorry for the repeat art, but it’s been awhile since I’ve posted these too so I thought I’d brush the dust off and repost them!

My main man Atlas, he’s gone through some changes recently! Mostly with his hair, but his entire Knave of Hearts design got a makeover that you can see in THIS COMIC I made awhile back.

Kei!!! The main and best girl. Her design hasn’t changed much from the beginning, mostly I just changed my style of drawing her, and figured out how I wanted her hair loopys to work. Along with her body ref we have her keyblade ref! I absolutely love drawing her keyblade tbh it might be my favorite one to draw out of all my personally made ones. It fits her personality so well and shows how strong of a member of Ursus she is.

Quest’s design is probably one of my favorites out of the group. I don’t know where in the hell I came up with this, but I did and it’s just always worked out for him. I can’t picture this outfit on anyone else, it’s just so very Quest. He’s my ‘protagonist’ as it were, my original plan was for him to be the KHUX protag but things ended up changing as I developed him. But he’s still a strong wielder and party leader for Leopardos.

Wynter is so neglected so I decided to include him in with the kids. He’s the OG heartsmith and known as Father Time, the creator of Time Magic and best friend(?) To the Master of Masters.  I do think his design is the weakest out of the four, but I also haven’t been able to design an outfit in a way i’m 100% content with so the battle continues.

His keyblade is special because he can freeze hearts in time, which he ends up using on Atlas before the keyblade war. He has a bittersweet ending as he ends up reincarnated in the main KH storyline after dying in the age of fariytales.

For those who don’t know what my concept of a heartsmith is, please read the below! It’s the abridged version so if you have any questions feel free to ask them!

In the age of fairytales, when the foretellers were chosen and given their roles, others rose up to their own calling. With the abundance of keyblade wielders now in Daybreak Town, a local smith decided to take it upon himself to learn how to help these young warriors. With the Master of Master’s permission, Wynter Penn started experimenting on how to repair keyblades that were damaged, and the hearts of their wielders by extension. Because of this he was known as the ‘heartsmith’.

Heartsmiths are those with the ability to repair keyblades and hearts. The former being the focus and the latter actually just a useful side effect. As keyblades are manifestations of the heart, being able to repair one means you’re able to repair the other to some extent. The ‘extent’ varies from smith to smith, it depends on how easily the smith can connect with a heart that is not their own.

It was also their job to upgrade keyblades, making them more powerful and suited to their wielders wants more often than not. Though wielders could do this themselves by other means, the smiths offered a more in depth process. They could also repair the keyblade while upgrading it, making it more durable for a time.

There is pretty much two kinds of damage a keyblade can take. Physical, such as the keyblade actually physically breaking and everyone can see that. These are actually more difficult for the smiths to work on but through their magic and their actual smithing backgrounds they are able to build a keyblade back no problem.

Then there’s what I like to call ‘Aches’ because I can’t think of anything better. Aches are the damage wielders have a harder time seeing. It’s when the wielders mental and emotional states physically start affecting their keyblades. As keyblades are manifestations of their heart, it stands to reason if there is something burdening them, something weighing down on their heart, then their keyblade is affected as well. This is the sort of damage only a heartsmith can fix - but it’s also half on the wielder. The wielder has to talk out their burdens, say why their heart is aching, before it can be 100% healed. Sometimes the smiths simply close it the best they can, because at the very least by this point the wielder is aware of their heart’s ache and can work on healing it in their own time. This can lead to multiple sessions but the smiths do their best to repair it to a point that the wielder isn’t just walking in the next day.

So visiting the smiths is akin to a therapy session. They have to talk to the wielders, gain their trust, realize what is bothering them, and talk them through on how to improve.

Upgrading a keyblade is very similar! While combining the materials to make the keyblade stronger, the smiths will talk with the wielders about their goals, why they want to get stronger - and what that even means to them. The upgrade will always succeed, but depending on the wielder’s state of mind and heart during the process and the answer to the questions the smiths ask, that will determine the new strength of the keyblade.

#khocweek #khocweek2022 #kh oc week #khoc week #khux oc #khux ocs #kh union x #heartsmith #heartsmiths #my art #atlas penn #kei #quest #wynter penn #quest belrose

[sketchingtons]

Hi I was wondering if you have any recommendations for tablets and stuff for someone interested in getting in to digital art. I really love your art and idk just wanted some advice from some so talented

Aaah you’re so sweet, I’m so happy you enjoy my work and flattered you’d want to ask me for advice/recommendations! I can give you a quick rundown on what equipment I’ve used over the years if it helps-it’s not a super long list haha, I basically used the exact same thing for years lol

So my first ever drawing tablet was the Wacom Bamboo fun tablet (pictured below!), which I received as a Christmas gift when I was around 13 I believe! And I basically used that baby for about 10 years for all my digital drawing Akshsj

And it held up! *pats the silver tablet fondly* I remember jokingly calling it Ol’ Reliable to my Illustration classmates back in college when I told them how long I’d had the thing lol

Can’t remember having any outstanding problems with it the whole time I used it-only the occasional inconvenience of having to reinstall drivers for it if I got a new laptop or if I was having troubles with Paint Tool Sai (which was my primary drawing program for a majority of those years as well, along with occasionally dabbling in Clip Studio Paint)

I remember Wacom brand pen tablets being pretty good for beginners, especially price wise-though again, I’ve had mine for 10+ years so I’m not sure about their price margins today and how they might compare. I’d def recommend doing some research and seeing if any of the current models look like they’d work for you, or maybe look into some pen tablet alternatives besides the wacom brand-they’ve definitely had some competition on the scene in the past couple years that might work better for you! (I’ve heard good things about Huion tablets, mostly through word of mouth, but that might be a good alternative! Can’t give my full rec on it since I’ve never used one, but it could be something to look into!)

If you’re looking into any art programs to use, as I mentioned above I used Paint Tool Sai as my primary program for many years! I have extremely fond memories of it and still think of it as a great art program-it’s around $50 if I remember correctly? And definitely worth it in my opinion. The other program I mentioned above was Clip Studio Paint-also an amazing digital art program, and very robust! It has tons of amazing features, but it’s definitely on the pricier end (pricing will depend on which version you get too)-the silver lining for this program though is that the website/developers host amazing sales periodically throughout the year and you can get the program at a great discount! That’s how I snagged my copy, so if you look into and it seems like a program you’d like to use, definitely keep an eye out for those sales! 🙌

Now after close to 10 years of using my Wacom Bamboo fun, I finally decided it was time to upgrade-so I made the jump to the iPad! That’s what I use for basically all my work now a days, along with Procreate (an amazing art program on the iPad, can’t recommend it enough) and the Clip Studio Paint app! Unless you already have an iPad though, I wouldn’t recommend it as a beginners set up since an iPad+Apple Pencil is a big price commitment upfront-but I thought I’d mention it if you were curious on what I currently use!

This turned into a bit of a ramble, but I hope you can find use in some of it! Wishing you all the best on your future digital art endeavors, and rooting for you all the way! 😊 🙏

#asked and answered #art queries #this ended up long but I hope it was a little bit helpful! #if you do happen to already have an iPad and don’t mind getting an Apple Pencil/or a cheaper pen equivelent- #then I really can’t recommend procreate enough! I use it for basically all my art now and it was only like $10? #an absolute steal for the wealth of features it provides 👏 #and if anyone’s got any other questions about my art/process/experiences please feel free to ask! 😊 🙏 #I’d love to help if I can!

[vkelleyart]

Thoughts on fandom: inclusion and engagement.

(Art credit to the kindhearted @penpanoply​!)

There’s been some stuff floating around on Tumblr about strife in the CO/WS fandom, and though I haven’t been explicitly named-dropped on anything public, my DMs have been... active. lol Rather than rehash what’s been said already, I just want to impart a little wisdom and perspective in the hopes it may soothe frayed feelings and offer a way ahead for cultivating a respectful community. As someone who has been an active participant in online fandoms since the mid-’90s, which was the advent of online fandom content creation (shout out to my fellow X-Philes!), and who has also spent a chunk of her professional life managing social media for the federal government and for activist groups, I can promise you it’s all gonna be okay.

Here’s some context for why strife happens and what we can do to create a more inclusive and communicative fandom environment. 

1) It sounds cliché, but fandoms go through growing pains. 

In the case of the Simon Snow fandom, what was once a small and cozy space untouched by cataclysmic events (such as the release of *gasp* a sequel) has grown exponentially in a relatively short amount of time following the release of Wayward Son. Newcomers are eager to find a home in this space at the same time as folks who’ve been here a while may be consciously or unconsciously wary about widening their circle, and It’s important to remember that this is not necessarily an expression of bad behavior on either side but just human psychology doing its thing. 

The byproduct, however, is that tension and stress builds over time from the lack of meaningful communication across the divide, which subsequently fuels misunderstandings. Ironically, the interfaces we use to communicate don’t help with this because any existing communication about the tension happens in tiny vacuums until a trigger goes off and bad feelings go public. 

Way Ahead: These moments of destabilization are opportunities to see where we can be more self aware about how we engage with fandom and the kind of community we want to be. Can you promote, support, or befriend someone trying to gain a foothold? If yes, please do! Each person must reach their own decision about what they can do within the confines of their available energy, health, and time, but a little self awareness goes a long way as long as you’re honest with yourself and others if applicable about what you can contribute. Anyone who judges you for it isn’t worth the strife.

2) In a fandom comprised of vulnerable/marginalized people, it’s more accurate to say that cliques are “bubbles of trust.”

This one's important. Just by nature of the source material, the CO/WS fandom includes fans with a wide array of backgrounds and experiences, especially when it comes to those who identify with the characters’ queerness, mental illness, and/or trauma. I really believe––based on individual conversations/group chats––that the difficult lived experiences that so many of our fandom peers have endured has produced one of the most open, aware, and accepting fandoms I’ve had the pleasure of participating in. Our vulnerability is, in a real way, our strength.

That said, a community of survivors also has the side effect of cultivating small circles of engagement that I call “bubbles of trust.” When you’re a survivor of abuse, marginalization, mental illness, fill-in-the-blank, it’s often quite hard to risk casting a wide net and expanding your circle to include new faces––which can subsequently be internalized by equally sensitive and vulnerable newcomers as rejection, judgement, or inadequacy.

Way Ahead: First of all, there may indeed be gatekeeping and exclusion going on. But before internalizing someone’s cagey behavior as gatekeeping or purposely exclusionary, ask yourself if you have all the information. Many people are private (I include myself in this assessment) because life has regrettably taught them to be this way, and so they may insulate themselves to a small group of people who have earned their trust. Some people might also triggered by certain content (case in point: smut triggers my anxiety) so they don’t engage with it. Others might have something in their pasts that define how they handle certain subjects (for example, a person of color should not be tone policed for getting angry when confronted with a racialized microagression, however accidental it was). You just don’t know what you don’t know. 

The solution here is to regularly check your privilege and ask questions in a private space if you sense you’re being treated unfairly by someone. If you go public with your grievances in hopes of mobilizing the mob, you may accidentally find yourself stepping into the role of the aggressor instead of the victim.

3) Social Media is not built to help you get engagement. It’s built to help itself make money off of you.

Repeat after me: Hits/likes are not a measurable indicator of talent or worth. There are ridiculously talented folks on Tumblr and elsewhere who, for whatever reason, haven’t had their viral moment, and it’s not their fault. Loads of factors come into play where things like likes, reblogs, and comments are concerned, among them being posting frequency, subject matter, the time of day, the day of the week, the week of the month, the month of the year, the current administration, the stock exchange, the concentration of middle class users, who just won the Superbowl, a madman trying to steal an election and undermine the democratic process, a PANDEMIC, do you get where I’m going with this?? lol

At the end of the day, my humble successes have been helped along by good luck, good timing, high profile signal boosters, and an absurd amount of work. (This is why I try to signal boost new work whenever I get a chance over at @vkelleyshares.) 

So while you cannot control Tumblr’s interface, trends at large, or your fellow users, here’s what you can do to ensure you give your work the best possible chance of exposure.

Have an image ready to go with your post. Tumblr is a visual platform (no matter what it says about being good for text). Not good with images? Set up a Canva.com account and get access to free graphic software with a gazillion templates to create whatever attractive image you want to attach to your post.

Keep the outward facing text brief and easy on the eyes. Too long and eyes will glaze over. Put excess text behind a “read more.”

You may think you’re being cute when you do this, but don’t put yourself down in your posts. (Don’t put yourself down in general, of course.) Doing so acts as engagement repellant. If you don’t believe in your work, no one else will.

Related: Be your best cheerleader. Confidence is a magnet, and if you don’t have it, go ahead and fake it until you start to convince yourself you are worth the buzz. So promote yourself! You have gifts that only you can impart. Use that knowledge to fuel everything you do from your art/fiction writing to your outreach with other content creators, and by golly, if someone’s done it already, acknowledge that contribution and then tell the world that this is YOUR unique take on it.

Treat your fellow fandom creators as human beings, not art/fiction/content boosting machines. I cannot count how many times I’ve had folks slide into my DMs with offers of friendship only to disappear once they realize I’m not available to draw a picture for their fic. It hurts because it’s manipulative and it makes me want to hole up and not signal boost anyone. Creators who truly support each other will not give off a transactional vibe. I want to help you reach more people, but not if that’s all I’m good for in your eyes. 

The long and short of it: Lead with compassion, do your best with the opportunities at  your disposal, and remember that fandom belongs to everyone in it. ❤️

What saves a fandom made of sensitive and vulnerable souls from imploding when it goes through growing pains is radical compassion from those who can offer it. Begin with the assumption that your fellow fandomers are not trying to harm you, and wade into the water knowing that your insight into the lives of your peers is limited by default and you may need to temper your words or actions accordingly. If you’re a content creator, save compassion for yourself as well, as there are indeed challenges to gaining an audience, and lack of engagement does not mean you lack talent or skill. Be your best advocate, and if you have the bandwidth to lift up a fellow creator and make a new friend, please, go ahead do it! 

And finally, fandom belongs to everyone, and no one has a monopoly on characters, tropes, or themes. Create and consume what you love (with respect for your more vulnerable peers), and bask in the variety, my friends!

That’s all I’ve got in my head at the moment, although I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting. Thanks so much to @penpanoply for letting me use her art for this and to everyone else, hang in there and try not to judge each other too harshly. These are unprecedented times, and most of us are doing our best in circumstances that are pushing us to our limits. 

As always, if you have questions or want to sound off on anything, shoot me a message or an ask, or ping me on Discord. It might take me a second to respond (thanks, Covid) but I’ll get to it! Love, love, and more love to all.

#fandom stuff

[sagamemes]

the sheridan tapes  📼  part one.   here and under the cut, you can find a little under 120 lines of dialogue from the horror podcast the sheridan tapes, specifically from episodes one to three, edited for roleplay purposes.  tw: police, murder, supernatural elements, mentions of apocalyptic scenarios, near death experiences, injuries, vehicular crash, recreational drug and alcohol use.

❝  jesus, [name]. you’re not making this easy, are you?  ❞

❝  makes you wonder... do these things follow me because i chase them, or were they always following me?  ❞

❝  darkness and complete disorientation does a number on the human brain.  ❞

❝  i don't think he was a werewolf.  ❞

❝  i’d call it the customer service smile. you know, the one that says  ‘ thank you for shopping with us, please die now ’.  ❞

❝  i’ve found the more showy the text, the less impressive the actual phenomena.  ❞

❝  my job here is kind of… shaky at the moment.  ❞

❝  [name] was also engaged in the study of the impossible in his free time.  ❞

❝  so it’s just me who drives you up the wall then?  ❞

❝  well, you’ll be happy to hear i haven’t been having any fun. no weed, no ghosts.  ❞

❝  there hasn’t been a new lead on her case in more than half a year.  ❞

❝  so here i am, wrapped up in a blanket, staring at my little fireplace, so bored i actually decided to call my sister for once.  ❞

❝  it’s a little town near bandon. very little. nice little mini-market, and that’s about it.  ❞

❝  i doubt i’ll sleep much tonight. that’s okay. i just feel like looking at the stars for a while.  ❞

❝  it's probably for the best. i am simultaneously exhausted from the drive and absolutely wired from the coffee.  ❞

❝  i wonder if there will still be ghosts out there when that happens?  when the earth is gone?  ❞

❝  glad to hear you’re enjoying yourself, then.  ❞

❝  knowing doesn’t make things any easier, but it does make them a little less frightening.  ❞

❝  that’s all just a lazy way of saying that the real explanation is too difficult—or too horrible—for them to accept.  ❞

❝  it almost killed me, but in the end it settled for putting me in pt for a year while i figured out how to use my hands again.  ❞

❝  he muttered something about my time being up. or maybe he said it wasn’t up.  ❞

❝  i don’t really care that i didn’t get any writing done today.  ❞

❝  nothing. not a single idea worth writing down, no itch i needed to scratch or question i needed to answer.  ❞

❝  guess there really is no such thing as bad press.  ❞

❝  i have no idea what a writer’s  ‘ process ’  usually looks like, but i’m pretty sure it’s not this.  ❞

❝  see what i have to deal with?  god… siblings, am i right?  ❞

❝  what can i say?  i have a soft spot for gothic architecture.  ❞

❝  computers have never been very good at reconciling paradoxes.  ❞

❝  they’re pretty much over funding my little expeditions.  ❞

❝  that kind of smile doesn’t normally show that many teeth.  ❞

❝  you know, that’s only scary the first few times you do it.  ❞

❝  one day, it will be dead. one day all the stars will burn out, go dark and silent. one day, everything will be so dark and so cold that no new stars can ever be born. the old ones will blink out one by one, like candles going out, and then… nothing. silence. darkness. void.  ❞

❝  the simplest explanation is almost always the right one.  ❞

❝  i don’t remember getting in my van, putting the key in the ignition, or speeding away from that house, but i must have.  ❞

❝  no, no, i’m fine, i’m fine, just go bother someone else.  ❞

❝  i haven’t eaten, moved, or written anything all day.  ❞

❝  but maybe that's just the fact that it is two in the morning and my brain is running mostly on caffeine.  ❞

❝  given how good a [job] he is, i know it’s not the first time he’s done it.  ❞

❝  i escaped, but i knew that whatever was in that house has just marked me as prey.  ❞

❝  calm down. think. you’re just going to confuse yourself.  ❞

❝  just wanted to tell you a couple of us are headed out to marvin’s for drinks if you want to come.  ❞

❝  one of the most disappointing things about living in america is the lack of genuinely haunted houses. out of all the supposed haunts i’ve visited, maybe one in ten seems like the real deal.  ❞

❝  sounds… peaceful. not many distractions, then?  ❞

❝  something tells me this tape wasn’t played in court.  ❞

❝  one of the neighbours must have called 911.  ❞

❝  my infamous accident. it almost killed me.  ❞

❝  i just woke up to footsteps in the kitchen. i don’t know who, or what, but there’s someone in here with me!  ❞

❝  could you shut the door on your way out, please?  ❞

❝  uh, wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon.  ❞

❝  the fire that i said went out?  yeah, it just started burning again.  ❞

❝  so i asked him to lie.  ❞

❝  it'd really be just a few of us. maybe me and [name] and one or two other tagalongs…  ❞

❝  apparently, the press had a lot of questions too.  ❞

❝  i’ve driven more than 8 hours and drunk enough bad coffee to give an elephant heart palpitations. i’m sure as hell going to get my money’s worth.  ❞

❝  oh sorry, am i bothering you now? what happened to  ‘ call anytime you want, [name] ’ or,  ‘ you’re always welcome here, [name] ’ ?  ❞

❝  i’ve forgotten to charge my phone. again.  ❞

❝  i… think i’m going to turn around now.  ❞

❝  well sorry if i wanted to have a nice talk with my sister for a change.  ❞

❝  will it just be left there forever? our legacy? look upon our works, ye mighty, and despair?  ❞

❝  no matter how far away from home you are, no matter how different the constellations might look from where you’re standing, you can always look up on a clear, dark night and feel like you’re about to fall right into it—the terrifying, endless expanse of nothingness.  ❞

❝  i know authors can do some crazy things to get out of writer’s block, but i’ve never heard of one resorting to arson.  ❞

❝  why do you always think there’s something wrong?  ❞

❝  ours is not to question why, ours is but to digitize and stay the hell out of trouble.  ❞

❝  so let’s try walking backwards. just keep an eye on it.  ❞

❝  i got lucky. or maybe i was just fast enough to escape.  ❞

❝  maybe there are secret passages behind the walls and corridors.  ❞

❝  no matter how far i walked, i couldn’t find the way i came in.  ❞

❝  well, i /know/ i’ve had worst nights. i just can’t think of any right now.  ❞

❝  i do want you to have fun, [name], i just don’t want you to get yourself killed doing it.  ❞

❝  i mean, obviously, i do care, that’s the whole reason i made this trip. to get away from the noise and focus.  ❞

❝  i might have… forgotten to tell anyone where i was going.  ❞

❝  before i get started, there’s just one thing i need to say. i have absolutely no patience for the unexplained, or the things people call  ‘ unexplainable ’,  ‘ supernatural ’, or  ‘ paranormal ’.  ❞

❝  i told [name] that i needed to get out, to get inspired.  ❞

❝  okay, if someone is messing with me, they’re going to be very sorry, very quickly.  ❞

❝  [name] lied his ass off to save yours.  ❞

❝  a crash like that does funny things to your head.  ❞

❝  i still don’t know how he got there without me noticing.  ❞

❝  any plans i had to travel abroad went up in smoke.  ❞

❝  i thought of pulling out the bad cop routine.  ❞

❝  strange how something so dead can be so beautiful.  ❞

❝  it hated me:  hated what i do, and more than that, hated who i am.  ❞

❝  lots of tall tales. and more than a few ghost stories.  ❞

❝  oh good, you’re still here!  ❞

❝  reviewers absolutely grilled it:  said it was a nonsensical rip off of the dark tower, whatever that means.  ❞

❝  i jumped out the window. cut my hands on the glass, but thankfully not bad enough to need stitches  ❞

❝  i told her, tonight.  ❞

❝  for a minute, i wondered if that would really be so bad. it was a fitting way to go, given my… well, everything.  ❞

❝  i suppose that’s a universal constant—maybe the only one.  ❞

❝  i never let myself get this turned around. especially not at night.  ❞

❝  i don’t know if it’s actually haunted. but if not, then it was sure as hell convincing.  ❞

❝  i’m not one of those people who thinks she’s the spawn of satan or something ridiculous like that.  ❞

❝  unless i’m prepared to accept that she was murdered by something that crawled out of a funhouse mirror, this isn’t much help with the case, either.  ❞

❝  i have to try and work some actual cases the rest of the time. you know, cases that might have some answers i can find.  ❞

❝  it's cold, damp, and dark as night. i'm in my element, at least.  ❞

❝  your place is waiting for you.  ❞

❝  yeah, i’m all good. great… hanging in there, you know?  one day at a time.  ❞

❝  oh, i see you. you think i’m still scared of [thing], huh?  think you can freak me out?  ❞

❝  trust me, i’ve had a hell of a day, and you do not want to mess with a pissed off…  ❞

❝  and tell my sister i'm sorry.  ❞

❝  oh god, it's cold.  ❞

❝  the night sky really is beautiful out here.  ❞

❝  tell him he shouldn’t have been such a good liar.  ❞

❝  i’ve been listening to this for the last two weeks now.  ❞

❝  it’s not even that i’m having bad ideas. i’m not having any at all.  ❞

❝  can’t get away from the work, no matter what i do.  ❞

❝  i made sure i switched off my phone before i came up here, just in case.  ❞

❝  god, these things smell of weed.  ❞

❝  yeah, well… just wanted to make sure you’re okay, you know?  ❞

❝  [name] is dead. that's all there is to it.  ❞

❝  no, i need to get out of here. it’s been a long day.  ❞

❝  a lot of the art i found was just paintings of a night sky full of stars.  ❞

❝  my job is to look the facts dead in the face and find an explanation. one that will hold up in a court of law.  ❞

❝  personal and career choices, i guess you’d call them.  ❞

❝  damn. i could’ve sworn i felt something strange about this place when i hiked through this morning… or maybe it was a different part. hard to tell this late at night, anyway.  ❞

❝  well, let’s just say a middle-aged man-child running out panicked and tearing at his eyes would hardly be a marketable image.  ❞

❝  i didn’t mind that i’d be alone—i always expected that to be how i went.  ❞

❝  i’m sure that’s on my personnel file by now, as if it could get any more problematic.  ❞

#sentence starters #sentence meme #rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #starters #rp starters #* sentences. #* meme. #sheridan

[saintprivateer]

I understand the ideas behind the zemenipearls post but can we not just have a nice fictional world? It’s not like the Kerch are made out to be a great nation of saintly people, it’s all fantasy for a reason. I won’t get started on their posts about my girl Nina and my dude Nikolai 😒

Okay... there’s a lot of ground to cover here so boot up cowhand I wrote a LOT

No matter how unlike-this-world a fantasy universe seems, it was still crafted by a real human who IS a part of this world. And humans put their own beliefs and experiences into their stories as the foundation for how ideal/ not-ideal they want the au to be. We use the environment around us as a stepping stone for our stories, and this DOUBLES if the author is saying “This World Is Not Like Ours At All”. The question authors answer of “What exactly is this au not like?” Rounds back to the place we are trying to distance ourselves from, because that is what this au is “not like.” And most often, authors craft these fantasy universes and bring the reader into a whole new world only to go back to a REAL theme of “This World Is Actually More Like Yours Than You Think.” Because that’s usually the entire point. We like fantasy because we want to see our nature mirrored in worlds unlike ours. We love that people can fly and cast spells, but we REALLY love when they’re as human as us in behavior/interests/ actions.

All that’s to say: you can’t actually write a racism-free world if you’ve never experienced a racism-free world. The ideals we want to portray will still be flawed and not 100% ideal, because the notion we have OF this ideal is fundamentally flawed. ESPECIALLY if we are still unlearning our own fallacies to these ideals. Grishaverse has anti-blackness threaded in the pages because there is anti-blackness on Earth and anti-black fallacies in the ideals Leigh Bardugo has internalized (like any other white person). If we can acknowledge the argument that meanings can be found in stories/art whether it was intended or not, then we have to acknowledge Leigh Bardugo wrote in her own prejudice or anti-black ideals into the grishaverse, whether intended or not. She wanted to write a story removed from the racism we know, and that in of itself isn’t a bad thing to imagine. But she still wrote tropes actively harmful to the minorities they represent.

“Why do you have to look for patterns that aren’t there and nitpick on characters? Why does everything have to be about race? Isn’t it enough that our heroes are TRYING to be good?”

When people say this, they usually mean “Why are you putting this in my face? We (the group not affected) were all doing fine until you decided to be grumpy about something, and I don’t want my ideals soiled by your criticisms.”

Imagine seeing the person who’s supposed to represent you and your identity be repeatedly trashed, ignored, dumbed down, dismissed, killed off, etc etc in canon and in the fandom, and when you finally get the courage to bring it up, the entirety of people not affected silence and threaten you for rocking their boat. You really can’t imagine how that actually feels unless you’ve felt it. When you write off the consistently abusive treatment of a community of people in a book as an inconvenient—and thus invalid— topic that “ruins” the characters or plots you want to root for, you’re acknowledging the privilege you have in being able to look the other way when these patterns have been brought to your attention.

There’s a lot you might not catch when you aren’t a part of the communities affected. If someone is gracious enough to extend their emotional and intellectual labor to point it out to you despite the all the gaslighting and harassment they face, the LEAST you can do is have an open mind and release the defenses and previous ideals you’ve cultivated for the characters you love. Black fans don’t owe it to you to spell it out, but they sometimes do! Despite how white fans treat them in return.

You said “it’s not like the Kerch are made out to be a nation of great saintly people.” Great! So we agree everyone should be praised and criticized accordingly? And when it’s pointed out that a character exhibits bigotry we can acknowledge that as a part of the environment they’ve lived in and thus a trait of themselves?

You can enjoy any universe or the characters that come with it in full capacity, and no one is asking you to discard stories entirely because of the mistakes. Nikolai meant and means a lot to me because of the ideals that I crafted in my head from 16 up. He’s a comfort character! He was my vision of a masc-presenting adventurer who got by with wit and charm and aesthetics. The people who love him see something of themselves in him, or someone they love. But he’s still a product of his environment. Just because I don’t want that to be true doesn’t make it untrue. Ravka is fantasy Russia but .*•*~more idealistic*.~*. This doesn’t take away the fact that the foundation is...still Russia. He’s still a privileged white king thats actively oppressing minorities in the story by upholding the kingship as it is, and if he continues the path he’s on, he’s not much better than his heritage. I love Nina to death but she’s still the jarhead kid in your algebra class ready to fight anyone who says her country merits basic criticism. The kingdom of Ravka would need to be entirely dismantled and recreated. Nikolai might seem more progressive than the kings before him, but he’s got a lot to be reprimanded for, and rebuilding can’t even start until he acknowledges and unlearns that. Which...he hasn’t, not fully, and there’s no written proof of him doing so as of now.

Before I made myself research more I got just as defensive of him and others. I’m sure I’ll get defensive over another story and have to relearn everything all over again. It’s a process and you have to check yourself all the time. But it’s a step towards the ideals we want to actually live in. If I want to imagine Nikolai a better man, I have to start from the scraps I’m given.

So yes!! You’re allowed to draw up your own themes and ideals from the stories and reimagine the characters to fit a narrative that makes your heart happy. But it won’t change the reality of the canon universe. Zemenipearls enjoyed the grishaverse so much she made a fan account for it, participates in fan-led events that celebrate the characters (and sometimes leads those events herself), commissions artists to make fanart, and has ongoing works that delve into the expansive universe that better represents her and what she wants for black characters in fantasy. And she STILL gets shit for imploring a conversation about what we all want to ignore away. Why would she put so much energy into this if she didn’t care or believe in this story too? If you also care about grishaverse that much, shouldn’t we be willing to uplift and reimagine by starting where the work needs it most?

Okay I’ve said a LOT SORRY HHHHH BUT TO WRAP UP: Ignoring a fictional character’s faults or repercussions is one thing, and I’m not about to waste energy on making people hold characters in a book accountable. We all see how people treat the Darkling.

But when you participate in or ignore the bullying and threatening that happens to REAL people, when people JUSTIFY that shit as if it merits denying a person their humanity, THATS the actual harm being done. (Not saying you’ve done that, but the mindset I’m seeing here is what feeds into that compliance.)

If we have the energy to protect and coddle our fictional white boys and let them burn the sandbox down, I KNOW we have energy to respect and protect black fans who have just as much say in how they see the story or how they reimagine it. If you have the energy to accept/tolerate the stuff alarkling fans promote, I KNOW you have the energy to put your pride away and acknowledge fallacies in your own ideals for characters. And regardless!!! of whether you “agree” with the criticisms or not, does that mean the person who spoke up about the issue deserves to be harassed?

I’m gonna ask the white ya majority reading this to be humble and open your hearts up to change the way you do for fictional edgy white dudes. Y’all have the SPIRIT but then it funnels into the WRONG IDEAS!!! PLEASE use your heads you’d be unstoppable if you used your privilege to amplify the ones who need amplifying. I promise Cardan BlackBerry and Alesksxxander Marigold aren’t gonna be disappointed in you 😔🙏

#that’s my piece on THAT sorry I’ve had time to sit with this #I wanted to go ahead and get it out on one thing too so I can refer back possibly #fandom racism #anti blackness #grishaverse #Nikolai Lantsov #kos king of scars #Nina Zenik #Ravka #analysis #ya fiction #zemenipearls #tgt the grisha trilogy #soc six of crows #ck crooked kingdom

[celestiaphia]

My Ritual for Offerings and Prayers

Simple Version - Full Version

I got a lot of positive feedback when I mentioned writing a post about my own practices so here it is! Please keep in mind this is all about my own practice, this is not reconstructed, historically accurate, or required for anyone to do it like I do it. Hopefully this will inspire others to share their practices. If you have questions about anything, feel free to message me. 

How I Created my Ritual

Before I go over the specific ritual I follow I want to talk about how I created them. Some of it is influenced by reconstructed hellenic polytheism but the majority of it I created over time as I added things, took things away, and found what worked for me.

When I first tried creating a ritual to fit myself, I asked myself what giving an offering means to me. At the most basic level I decided an offering means inviting the Gods into my home as guests. With that in mind, I could use the idea of Xenia, hospitality, to shape my ritual. I don’t know if this is commonly how other people treat it, but it’ll be obvious how important it is in my ritual and it’s important enough to me that I wanted to specifically call it out.

Formality in ritual is incredibly important to me. I believe that formality and ritual is valuable for strictly defining a difference between the sacred and the profane. It allows for a deeper experience with the Gods. I typically do free form prayer along with my offerings, but with some Gods I do give more informal prayers without ritual or offering - it depends on my connection with the God. 

I also want to note - this process is pretty long and involved and I am hoping to make a quick and more minimalist version that both meets my requirements for ritual and doesn’t require so many steps. Even if this altogether takes only 10 minutes, it feels like a lot and I am hoping to find a ritual process that I can do quicker so I can do it more often. 

My Steps for Offering

1. Preparation - I get everything I need for the ritual. I don’t want to have to leave my altar in the middle because I forgot my lighter! I also make sure my altar is clean and I’ve set up any art I may be using. I currently use tarot cards or other art cards as a stand in for statues and a way to help me focus on a specific deity.

2. Ritual Cleansing - Ritual cleansing is important to me not necessarily because of a strong believe in lyma/miasma but because it’s a special process to tell myself this is a special time. It’s a way for me to focus  my attention on this moment, and mentally transition myself into the space for worship. Ritual cleansing for me could be a shower, washing my hands, or using khernips. I’ve done all of the above and sometimes one feels more necessary than the other. Lately I’ve been using khernips more since it’s ritual heavy and, I love ritual!

3. Put on a Veil - This is the newest step in my ritual and it’s in “beta” phase. After cleansing, I put on a full head veil. Thus far that means - putting up a hood on a jacket/hoodie. I haven’t invested in a unique veil yet but I do plan to. I’ll be making a detailed post about what veiling means to me in the future and if I remember I’ll link the post here. 

4. Light My Altar Candle - I can’t use incense, so instead I light a candle. This is a candle I only use when I am giving an offering or praying at my alter, never for any other purpose. This allows it to be another way of making this time/space sacred; lighting the candle signals this is a ritual, sacred space. This step originally came from the practice in Hellenic Polytheism of the hearth, and the first offering being given to Hestia, but I don’t always pray to/give first offering to Hestia. Nonetheless, in her own way she gets rep at my alter with the candle!

4.5. Grounding in the Moment - This is not a step I always do, it depends on how I feel but at this point I will sometimes pause to close my eyes and take a few breaths to ground me in the moment, to mentally focus before I speak. 

5. Invite the God(s) to My Altar - “(God’s name), I ask you to join me at my altar as I offer and pray to you,” or if I’m offering to more than one god, “Dear Gods, I ask you to join me...” - I may word this differently since though I have formal steps, my wording is all done on the fly. In the spirit of Xenia, viewing the Gods as my guests, my first real step in the offering is to invite them in. I believe this is a good way to get the God’s attention before I give my offering. 

6. Give the Offering - My most common offering by far is a libation of water. (Why Water is not a Lazy Offering) I will pour the water from whatever holding vessel I’ve used into my special libation glass. While giving the libation I say: “I offer to you this libation. May it please you and bring you joy.” If I’m offering something else, of course I won’t say “this libation” I’ll specify whatever I’m offering. If I’m giving multiple offerings like libation and food, then I’ll call out each one separately.  

7. Prayer - Give Thanks - I thank the God for anything they have recently done for me, or generally for their existence and what they’ve done in my life. It’s incredibly important to me to offer my thanks every time and especially before I have any requests to make in prayer. The prayer sections of my ritual are the most freeform, it will depend on the god I’m praying to. Some I will give a short prayer of thanks, and others I will go on for a while, listing the many things they have done for me, thanking them for what they have brought to me in my life. I am speaking from my heart when I do this - I do not give thanks because I have to but because it’s something I am truly thankful for. 

8. Prayer - Supplication/Request - This is an optional part of the prayer. If this is my first time praying to a specific deity I will almost never make a request of them, since I believe it’s rude to ask them for something when we have not built any kharis (built a relationship) between each other. An initial prayer to a God is to invite them in as my guest, give them an offering, thank them for coming - and that’s it. This may also be optional if I don’t have anything to ask the specific God for or if for some reason it doesn’t feel appropriate to me to ask for anything.

Just like giving thanks, this section will be mostly freeform, but there is one part of praying for things that I do very specifically. Before I ask for anything I say, “If it would pleases you” or “if the fates will it” or something to that effect - signaling that though I ask for this, I know that I am not guaranteed it and it ultimately is up to the god if they choose to do it for me. It’s important to me to signify that I know the Gods do not owe me anything, that I cannot expect anything from them - not that they are cruel and wouldn’t do that, but that they are not vending machines who I can give offerings to and get something from.

A request could be as simple as “If it would please you, I pray that you guide me to be more like you” (in prayer to Athena for wisdom) or it could be more complex, talking about a problem I’m going through, and praying for specific help and guidance through it. Since this is a freeform prayer, sometimes it does not always follow either the pattern of thanks then request - but I do generally try to give thanks first , then request, then I can speak as freely as I wish to the God. 

9. Repeat Steps 6 - 8 as Needed - If I am praying to multiple gods, then my offering/prayers are done uniquely for each God. Each step could be as long as short as I want it to be, but the most simple example of giving to multiple Gods would look like this:

“I pour this libation to Hermes” (Pour small amount of water) “Thank you Hermes for all that you do in my life.  If it pleases you I pray that you continue to help me with my job. Thank you. Now I pour this libation to Athena” (pour water again) “Thank you Athena for all you do in my life...” and so forth

Because of the amount of detail I put into my ritual, if I’m praying to more than 3 Gods I generally make the prayer sections very short. If there are Gods for whom I want to give longer prayers - then those are typically the ones I will offer and worship to exclusively, to give them special offerings and time all their own. Otherwise it gets to be too much. 

9.5 Meditation - Another optional step, I have some prayer beads I will use to meditate with at my alter and focus on the God/Gods and generally let myself experience whatever I am feeling  as I am in this sacred space. This may lead to me making more prayers as feelings come up or may be as simple as me taking a few breaths as I think on the Gods. I don’t always do this but just like grounding helps me enter the ritual, I think doing the same as the ritual is ending is helpful. 

10. Closing the Ritual - To close the ritual, I first thank the God(s) for joining me. I’ll say something like: “Thank you (God’s name)/Gods for joining me at my alter. I pray that the offerings pleased you and that you will join me again in my home.” After this I will snuff out my candle and remove my veil if I was wearing one. I don’t have any opinion on blowing out vs snuffing out a candle,  but I have a candle snuffer so I do use that. 

Minor Details

Where do I put my hands? As someone who was raised Christian, it’s almost instinct  for me to put my hands together in prayer. Sometimes I do pray this way. Sometimes I pray with my hands open and facing up for Olympic Gods, or facing down for Cthonic Gods. I try to use the second one more than the first - but I don’t judge myself if habit of putting my hands together kicks in. I try to remember that intention is what matters most of all. 

What does my altar look like?  Here is a recent post with pictures and details of my altar. Here is a picture of my altar after a ritual. (I chose to leave the candle lit for the picture.) This is a picture of my altar from 3 years ago, and an even earlier picture of my altar. This will hopefully help people see that altars don’t always start so full and pretty! Seriously, my first altar was a cardboard box I had covered in fabric. We do the best with what we have available to us. 

How long do I leave out my offerings? I used to remove my offerings immediately after giving them because otherwise I was afraid I would forget them. I’ve started leaving them for longer, but it does end up being an issue still if I do forget them. Ideally I would remove them 24 - 48 hours later, and no longer than that. I feel leaving them for some time afterwards helps to symbolize that I am continuing to honor the Gods even when I am away from my altar.

How often do I give offerings/prayers? Due to my current living situation, my adhd and other mental health issues, and because of how complicated my ritual process is, I don't give offerings and prayers formally with this ritual as often as I'd like. I aim for once a week, but a more realistic answer is every two week to once a month. I do set goals for myself, but loosely. If I miss a goal, I remind myself I can do it again the next day or week, and that it's not a failure. There's a lot going on in our lives (especially this past year 2020). I don't give up if I miss a week, and know I can always do it whenever I have time next.

This is why I hope to make a quicker and simpler version of my ritual in the future, and when I do I will make a post for it as well.

Where do you get items for your altar? When I am able, I do buy unique items from Etsy, and a few items on my altar were gifts, but for the most part a LOT of the items on my altar were gotten from Good Will and other thrift shops! i recommend thrifting because it’s affordable, environmentally friendly, and allows for creativity. For example, I made devotional jars to some Gods using tiny spice jars from the thrift store, glitter, and little items representative of the Gods. 

#My Practice #hellenic polytheism #Hellenic revivalism

[foreheadtouch]

Were you raised Catholic? Sorry, I’m really interested in spirituality and particularly Catholicism right now and I’d love to hear a little bit about your experience if you’re willing to share. 💓

thank you for asking… yes i was. overall i am so grateful that i grew up surrounded by the faith… that’s not to say i haven’t had struggles and doubts or even periods where i entirely pulled away.

oh wow i have been ramblingggg in the notes app and there’s so much more i could say but i’m going to put it all under the cut... anyways idk if this is helpful at all but it’s sort of where i’m at... i’m definitely still in a grappling and questioning process (which i think will be lifelong) but i’m glad i’ve reconnected with my faith over the past 2 years. please please feel free to ask any other catholicism or spirituality questions! sending you love 🤍

i grew up going to church every sunday and taking religion classes in grade school and completing all of my sacraments. i always thought there was something beautiful about faith but when i was young it was more of a naive, childlike wonder than actual belief or anything. i basically grew up learning bible stories, god loves you, and treat others the way you want to be treated. as i got older, things became more complicated as they naturally do. i became aware of the systemic problems of organized religion, i wanted to understand what catholicism meant at a deeper level, i began questioning parts of my own identity, and my ocd that had been a problem when i was younger got way worse as my life became more stressful and it began to intertwine with my faith. i stopped praying because i enjoyed it and started repeating prayers until they “felt right” otherwise i thought something bad would happen and it would even cause me such bad panic attacks that i would become paralyzed (that’s a simplified version, but it was painful and distressing). by the time i was 15 or 16 faith became something super mechanical for me. i went through the motions because that’s how i was raised and that’s what i knew. i was afraid to ask questions because i was afraid of the answers. i didn’t want to find something out that would make me stop believing and i didn’t want my beliefs challenged. i started just blindly adhering even though i didn’t understand things fully.

in college, i started taking a bunch of philosophy courses for a program i was in and it forced me to confront the questions that i was afraid of. i began to completely pull away. belief in god and jesus seemed absurd and way too attenuated to true. i basically became agnostic for my freshman and sophomore year. i still appreciated catholicism but in a purely aesthetic way as a lot of people do… i was yeah sure they have beautiful churches and make great art but it’s probably not all real all those clichés… over the next year i experienced a lot of personal tragedies and mental health problems… when i went back to school i signed up for a theology class on a whim… honestly it was because i thought the professor was hot and the course was about love and the human condition… that class reminded me of what i loved about catholicism mainly through reading different books and essays... st. augustine’s confessions and essays about divine love... dostoevsky… and one book i’ll recommend over and over to anyone wanting to discover or rediscover faith in any form is etty hillesum’s an interrupted life. it’s a collection of journal entries by a dutch jewish woman during world war ii… and i don’t even mean to be this corny but it was genuinely a spiritual experience reading that book… every line felt like she was taking a thought out of my own head and putting it on paper… i called my mom sobbing when i read it… and that inspired me to actually learn about catholicism at a more intellectual level… i had all these extremely intelligent professors who had degrees in astrophysics from harvard and studied under famous 20th century philosophers and writers... and even people like donna tartt writing about her faith... i was inspired by them and i craved belief in something. i started asking questions and reading and watching youtube videos and debates between people of all faiths and atheists and going back to mass just to see how it felt. the reading obviously helped but honestly just going to a traditional mass and listening to the music and just having that experience really does work.

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

Supernatural Series Finale

It took me a couple days to collect my thoughts on one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to watch in my life. Like I said a few days ago, I cried even harder watching it the second time around. But now that I’ve had a chance to process and also see what other people were saying, I think I can finally put into words my impression of the finale. 

Buckle up, this is a long one....

Let me preface this first off by saying that as an adamant Dean girl that has said numerous times over the years that all I’ve ever wanted was to wrap Dean in a blanket and give him some forehead kisses and tell him everything is going to be fine, this episode gutted me. I fully believe that my boy did not deserve to fight so hard for so long to just die as soon as he was free. He deserved a lifetime of truly enjoying time with his baby brother, the person he loved most in the whole world.

Now with that being said, having watched this series so many numerous times, I truly don’t believe that the show could have ended any other way. It’s something that has been pointed out by the creator, the writers, the actors, and even the characters themselves in the show. Dean never saw anything else for himself than dying doing the one thing he knows best, hunting. I saw a post that discussed how this would have happened numerous times already had Chuck not been interfering in their lives, and I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment. 

And Dean had been raised to never think anything of that. It goes back to Cas’ declaration that he is “the most loving human he has ever met”. Dean is and always has been a man of duty. He would gladly die at the end of a blade if it meant he saved someone from the fate his family was ‘destined’ to live. He has always cared more about other people than he ever has himself. It part of the reason that his freak out in 15.17 didn’t throw me because for fuck’s sake wasn’t it his turn to be a little bit selfish for once?

Anyway, I digress. Dean has been fighting for others his whole life. And as stated in 15.19, him and Sam were free to finally write their own story. Is it not 100% on character that Dean would die a hunter’s death? As we see in the beginning of the episode, the Winchesters could have chosen to walk away from the life then. They could have chose the apple pie life, a wife and 2.5 kids. But they didn’t, they chose to continue saving people, hunting things. They were writing their own story, even if it ended tragically. But that’s life, it’s messy and depressing, but it’s also beautiful and even if Dean only got a small taste of that, I can be happy.

I know a lot of people feel like that negates their character growth throughout the seasons, but I disagree. I think that the way this ended shows just how much both of them had grown. Sam very well could have went to Jack and begged him to bring Dean back and Dean could have asked him to. But neither felt that it was necessary any longer. Without Chuck pulling the strings, that scary, neurotic, codependence they used to hold was gone. Dean was okay with dying and Sam let him go. Dean told him how much he loved him and how scared he had been to go get him at school. Dean opened up, something that season 1 Dean never would have done. Just look back at “Faith”, the episode where Dean makes every joke in the book about dying instead of facing the truth that his time was up and Sam refuses to accept it so much that his one source to save him (unwittingly) is black magic. The men I saw in 15.20 were far from the men we met in season one. 

Coming back to finally being free, I have to talk about the dammed paperwork in Dean’s room. I’ve seen the speculation about that. But that’s all it is, speculation. We have no idea what that was supposed to be about. If they had meant for us to see it, they would have shown it to use like they showed us the “Dean’s other other phone” sticker. But they didn’t. So it’s perfectly fine to speculate about it, that all a part of art interpretation, but in my opinion, even if Dean was working on ‘something else’ I don’t think he ever could have fully walked away from hunting. This ending was for all intents and purposes, inevitable. 

For all the rest, as a writer, I fully understand the way that they chose to do this episode. Sure covid played a role but the boys had said that the crux of what the episode was did not change. There is a certain nuance to storytelling, like I posted back on Thursday and something that is probably one of the most famous lines from this show. Endings are hard. Writing is hard. It’s impossible to please everyone and even harder to tie up all loose ends. At the end of the day, the writers had to be satisfied with the story that they put out, irregardless of what you or I think. As Jensen so beautifully puts it, Supernatural is a piece of art, one that has numerous hands in the pot. From writers to actors and directors. And art is always up for interpretation. But that’s the beauty in it. 

I talked to a dear friend, @waywardbeanie after the episode and was like “I want to know x.y.and z” because a part of me wanted all the answers from them. I’ve always been a person so very deeply rooted in canon (I know as a fanfic author that sounds weird but stay with me). I trust the information given to me and take it as face value. I seen my stories as an extension to canon, not trying to rewrite it. So it took me a few days, and more conversations with other fans of the show, like @winchest09 , to understand that the facts left out of the final were most likely intentional. 

This is a show that has such a passionate and loving (mostly) fandom. Together we have done so much good for the world, and that is something even if you hated the finale, you can’t take back. The writers left the ending open for us, to write our own stories, whether it’s just your thoughts or if you actually write a piece of fanfiction. There is so little about what happens after Sam leaves, presumably for Austin (don’t even get me started on the essence of that cause I might cry again), because it’s our job to decide. Did Sam quite hunting all together or was he a pseudo Bobby, manning the phones for other hunters? Did he finally go to law school or end up getting some other mundane job? Who was his wife or girlfriend or baby momma in the background? Was it Eileen? If not did she know about his life? One could drive themselves crazy answering these questions, and it’s your right to do so however it will make you happy. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter to the story. 

At the end of the day, what mattered was the peace that the boys found together, in heaven. Sure Dean missed Sammy when he first got there, but he didn’t fuss, because as Bobby said “he would be along”. So Dean did what he’s always done, he took a drive in Baby, and Sam was there when he finally brought her to a stop. In the end their story ended just as it had started, our boys together. 

And I know a lot of people are angry because one of the big themes this show touched on was that family doesn’t end in blood. And I agree wholeheartedly that I would have loved more familiar faces or even the mention of them (I screamed when Donna was mentioned), but at the end of the day, something Eric Kripke has been saying since season one, this show is and always has been about the brothers and their relationship. I in no way think that this negates the family they found along the way or how they could not have done a lot of it without them but, it’s not their story. I’m sorry but it’s true. 

It’s not about Cas, Jack, Bobby, Crowley, Ellen, Jo, Mary, Eileen, etc. It’s about Sam and Dean and it sucks that people can’t let that go, but I get it. I can’t imagine putting so much time into something to let something like that ruin the whole experience for you. I hope that you can find peace eventually. I guess that’s my blessing, that I never really cared for anyone besides Dean. Which isn’t to say I didn’t like characters but what happened to them never mattered to me, as bitchy as that sounds. 

I’m at peace with this ending, no matter how much it hurts me. And I think it’s just the finality of it that hurts. Jensen and Jared and Kripke are satisfied with their little show that could and that’s what matters most to me. Because those are the real people with real feelings that I care about. 

So there you have it. I have zero tolerance for negativity, so please keep your comments off this posts. You are free to your opinion but I don’t want to see it and put any seed of doubt in my acceptance of this ending. I’ll be the first to admit I’m too easily swayed, ha!

But if you need to talk, my inbox is always open. I’m still coping with the loss of this show and everything that comes with it. I don’t do well with change or facing my own mortality, something that has rattle me these past few days. I feel a million years older and that scares me. So know your feelings are valid and I’m here. 

#supernatural #spoilers #dont spoil the final hunt #spn finale #supernatural finale

[theindiegamereview]

Meet the creative team: “Spellstone”

Are you a collectible card game (CCG) fan? If so, read on, because this week we spoke to the makers of Spellstone, a free-to-play (F2P) casual story-based fantasy card game that features vibrant, colourful, hand-drawn art on hundreds of beautiful cards that you can acquire and use in battle, both against the computer and other players!

TIGR: PABLO and DUSTIN are artists who have worked on Spellstone's art, helping create some of the iconic characters Spellstone fans know and love. We asked them how they came to work on the game, as well as what intrigued them about this project.

DUSTIN: I was working as a contract artist when I was asked to create some sample cards for a potential CCG, which is something I'd always wanted to do. The samples I submitted eventually led to me getting a contract to create the initial art for Spellstone. After about four months, I was offered a full-time position. I had such a great experience working with the team that I jumped at the opportunity!

PABLO: Prior to starting work on Spellstone, I remember doing an art piece to test my skills. I greatly enjoyed that because I particularly liked this game's art style - which is actually similar to my own! There were still slight differences though, so I've had to adapt a little. Blending my own personal style into an existing one was challenging. But something that intrigued me about Spellstone was the variety of factions in the game. Each and every one opens up a big array of possibilities when it comes to creating a character. I felt my options were unlimited and I loved it!

TIGR: Spellstone features many different cards and characters. We wanted to know who conceptualises all this, and how much creative licence artists get when crafting a character. FERNANDO, currently the main artist for the game, gave us more insight.

FERNANDO:  That Spellstone has such an immense variety of characters means it's a complete and delightful dish for artists. It's hugely gratifying to find such visual diversity with which to play with. You're completely free to create, as long as you respect the game's universe and visual language.

As for the process, the concept of what a card must look like and how it must be functional in terms of gameplay comes from the guys in the game design department. Very creative people... sorcerers maybe? I don't know. Haha!

From a brief but concise description they give me, I can get a sense of what kind of character and action they want to see in a card. Once I have all the information I need to start sketching, my favourite hour finally begins: creative hour!

If the card description involves an existing type of character, like a goblin, part of the fun has to do with the way you depict that character, situation, action and specific emotion. There's also some freedom to create from scratch if needed - that's exciting and challenging! Sometimes the ideas come from a mix of characters, and that's when the laboratory inside my mind starts working: I press a button and something cool, spooky or funny comes out - whatever the game requires. Other times, new concepts require that I look for approximate references of what's needed, so that serves as the starting point. No matter what, it's always a very enjoyable process. Sometimes we have to make corrections, that's true. But as with everything in life, this is necessary for things to work properly. You may have to redraw stuff, but finally the card is done - it works, it delivers and it entertains!

  TIGR: In Spellstone, cards can be upgraded from a single to a dual to a quad, and we really like that this sometimes tells a "mini story" of of sorts through the artwork. Some are funny (we just love Honeycomb Lobber!), some cute (Bomb Spirit is soooo adorable when he’s angry!), some uplifting (Aurora Shaver ranks among our favourites), and some, um, a bit disturbing, to be honest (Cleaverstorm Hunter, anyone?!)! And some are just sad - we can't help but feel sorry for the poor li'l forest furries that presumably got devoured by Alphamech Stalker! We asked the team how they came up with ideas for all these tiny narratives, and MELINDA, one of the game designers, told us more.

MELINDA: When I was younger, there were a few creatures in video games that terrified me. One of those I remembered most was Medusa, an air jellyfish from Ecco: The Tides of Time. While traversing through a water pathway in the sky, Medusa would try to pick up Ecco the dolphin and fling him off the path. Tetraspout's concept came from that, and you can even see poor little dolphins getting swept up in its attack!

  TIGR: We asked the team if there were any cards they particularly liked creating, or found challenging to conceptualise. IVÁN, a colorist who worked briefly on the game, chipped in, as did TONY and RHADA, two of Spellstone's game designers.

DUSTIN: I loved working on the goblin cards! You could get silly with them. Frogs were a lot of fun too - the variety of colours made them interesting. For me, the water cards were challenging but I grew to love working on them.

PABLO: My favourite characters are Goblins! You can play around with them, making them look funny even when the card is telling a dark story, like a massacre. All of the cards were challenging to create!

IVÁN: I enjoyed working on Hedron The Critical Threat, Zyd The Unhinged, and some awesome Insect cards that have yet to be released (as of the time of this interview). I mostly liked them because of their cool concepts and Fernando's awesome sketches. Hedron in particular was a technical painting challenge, as it has textures, transparencies and glow!

TONY: As something of an artist myself (/sarcasm), the card I am most proud of has to be Dinged Waptor. Or really any of the cards I did for the April Fool's event, which is about the only time the art team lets me anywhere near card art. :) For April Fool's, I decided it would be funny to try my hand at drawing some cards I felt players would enjoy. So the first year I drew some original characters that consisted of a few stick figures, a chicken, and a bomb. The response was good, so the following year I continued the tradition, eventually going through and tracing some famous cards like Winged Raptor. My one rule while making these cards was that I could not erase what I did!

RHADA: We used to sell boxes that contained two new premium cards instead of one. We thought of making both cards in the box thematically linked. At the same time, while brainstorming concepts for dragons, I thought we could try to make cards that formed a bigger picture on the battlefield when placed consecutively, side by side. The initial idea was a serpent whose artwork overflowed into a second card, and after some iteration, we stumbled upon the idea of a dragon dance. The result was very cool!

TIGR: With the Spellstone story campaign recently concluded, we asked what was next in store for Spellstone fans. Would there be anymore new characters and amazing art to look forward to?

TONY: Absolutely! While the main story has come to a close, we still look forward to adding new characters, cards, and art to the game that lets our artists have fun and shows off the world of Spellstone.

TIGR: And finally, the most important question of all: would real-life Spellstone merchandise ever be made available for fans of the game? We really want a plushie of the adorable Bomb Spirit (complete with detachable bombs, perhaps?), as well as his angry counterpart, Firebomb Spirit! Also for Quetee Que and Adorabilis, please! And would there ever be any actual physical Spellstone cards produced for collectors?

TONY: I would personally love to see real-life merchandise, but we currently do not have the means to take on such an endeavour. Maybe one day we can strike a partnership with a team that can make this happen!

We thank the Spellstone team for their time and all the wonderful art assets that accompany this interview! Check out the game here on Kongregate, on Steam, or on mobile - three different ways you can enjoy this fun, cheeky and adorable CCG!

P.S. We just had to include our favourite card: Darkwater Adonis - don’t be fooled by his charms!

#developers

[prompt-master]

It's Snooping Time

Makoto had the nosiest little sister. He had to shoo her out of his room all the time to keep her from getting her grubby little hands all over his things. He couldn't even begin to count the amount of manga Komaru just straight up stole from him. Not to mention that she even went so far as to snoop through his mail and open his Hope's Peak Acceptance letter while he was out.

He'd made sure to rid his room of anything he didn't want her taking before he left for Hope's Peak. It was the only precaution he could make with even a chance of working. It was such a strange feeling moving into his dorm and not having to worry about Komaru checking every nook and cranny when he turned his back. It was relaxing, honestly. He did miss his sister, and he loved her dearly! But he didn't love some of the crap she pulled.

But that's alright, because now Makoto had a chance to catch up and remind himself of all the things he loved and hated about Komaru. After the Ultimate Pharmacist accidentally caused a risky chemical spill that managed to leak to the dorms through the vents, everyone had been given a week off campus!

He'd been having the time of his life attending as an Ultimate. All his new friends were so lively and made him excited to face each day. He treasured every bond he'd made over the course of the year. It was a bit overwhelming at times being surrounded by the most talented eccentric individuals Hope's Peak's scouters could find, and walking into his quaint little home only reminded him of how average he really was compared to everyone else in the school. He somehow managed to be more average than other raffle winners.

"I'm home-"

"Makoto!"

His mother pulled him into a quick unexpected hug.

"Ack- mom-!"

"Aw, Makoto we missed you! I've never been away from you from so long, you're growing up!" Her arms curled around his back, pulling him in tighter and tighter. One hand ruffled his hair from the back, the other lay on his shoulder.

"I missed you too mom" Makoto laughed, embarrassed as his mom planted a kiss on his head, "but can you please let go? You're crushing me."

"Makoto!" Another voice cried out and Makoto held his chest, recovering from the previous hug.

"Hi Komar- oof!"

She gave him a heavy slap on the back before another hearty hug, giving him a mouthful of hair. He could feel her usual energetic excitement, she pulled off of him quickly, hands on his shoulders and starry eyes wide, "How was it?! Are the students as weird as the internet says?! Do you have any hot upperclassmen?! You go to school with your stupid idol crush now don't you?!"

Just about a year ago all this energy would have left Makoto dizzy and tired, now he considered it low energy compared to the intensity of everyday life around the Ultimates.

Makoto laughed, a soft sweet sound. Home sweet home, after all. He did have much he wanted to tell his sister. She was going to freak out when she found out Yamada Hifumi, the author of her favorite doujin, was in his class. "Calm down Komaru, I just got home."

"Geez," she said, tone light and teasing, "you go to an elite school and come back like you went on a life changing journey! Where's my brother who gets annoyed at all my questions, huh?"

"Give your brother a break, Komaru." Their dad joined the scene, clapping a hand onto Makoto's shoulder. "You'll have plenty of time over the week to hear about all his adventures."

"You just want to hear about it too, dad."

"Guilty as charged." their dad put up his hands in admission, chuckling softly.

"You should get settled in," when his mother smiled, she had little crinkles around her eyes. It was such a small detail but he missed seeing such a genuine joy on someone's face, "we won't have as much to tell you as you will us though."

"That's ok mom!"

Makoto found himself relaxing. Even though he'd been away from home for so long he fit right back in like he always belonged here. After an awkward wave he left down the hall to get into his room. On his way there, an unfamiliar glint of light from the living room wall caught his eye, causing him to look up. There was a new frame up on the wall. More of Komaru's art, maybe? 

He came closer to the simple black frame, seated in a spot that was rather obvious. Like his parents wanted all visitors to see this particular frame. From a distance it looked mostly white and blank. He got close enough to make out the little black text that simply and quickly announced Makoto's acceptance into the school of a lifetime. 

Makoto smiled. They framed his acceptance letter. He was really happy to be home. He felt loved before he left, but now he felt adored. 

As he pushed open the door to his room and dropped his bags to the floor he briefly wondered how different things would be after starting out a new path in his life. But once he sat down on his bed he felt like he'd never really left. He was excited to have dinner with his family again, but he also has text messages from his new friends to look forward to! 

The problem was Makoto got too relaxed. He was used to sleeping in a cozy locked dorm where everyone only bothered to knock in order to ask him to hang out elsewhere. So when Makoto went to dinner he left his backpack free for the picking on the floor of his bedroom. 

And of course, Komaru wasted no time poking her head into said room. How could she not?! Her brother is getting a once in a lifetime opportunity! No, not even that, most lives don't get to experience even a taste of what Makoto gets to indulge in. How could she not want to know more?! A quick inspection of the bags he brought over showed pretty much only clothes and a teddy bear wearing the Hope's Peak emblem on its shirt. 

And then she turned her attention towards his backpack. Maybe she'd find some embarrassing doodles in his notebooks, Makoto did have a tendency to scribble when lectures bored him. She zipped open the bag, bouncing up and down in anticipation as to what she might discover. 

Ugh, boring. Why did Makoto only have a bunch of school supplies in his backp- oh. Well actually, that did make sense. Even though Makoto was accepted into the school unconditionally it seemed he still wanted to prove himself. 

Well, average grades. It's certainly not exceptional but...he is trying. 

Feeling a bit dejected at the lack of juicy information, she opened the front pocket of his backpack with much less vigor than prior. Then she paused.

Oh my, oh my, oh my. What do we have here? 

Within the pocket were several small envelopes each sealed with a well placed red heart sticker.

Confession Letters. 

Naegi Makoto had confession letters. 

There was NO WAY anything in this world could keep Komaru from digging further. She quickly took one of the letters into her hand and inspected it. 

"Maizono Sayaka" 

She gasped, it was the idol crush! That was definitely Makoto's handwriting, it was always a bit distinctly messy. No doubt in her mind that her brother wrote these. 

She looked back into the bag, where so many envelopes lay in waiting for the day someone would open them. She felt herself building up an uncontained excitement. Was Makoto so enamored with Miss Maizono Sayaka that he had to write several drafts of his confession? She could totally imagine Makoto about to hand over his letter before going red in the face and sprinting away in panic. 

She wondered if she could open up some of these without getting caught, she desperately wanted to read the embarrassing contents. She picked another letter from the back of the pouch and turned it over. 

"Kirigiri Kyoko" 

Her amusement grew three sizes. She was trying hard not to laugh, her brother was crushing on two girls who were most certainly out of his league? What did he think he was, an anime protagonist? 

She picked up another, buzzing with excitement. 

"Togami Byakuya"

Her eyes almost popped out of her head at that one. Togami Byakuya? Wait… Togami? Like THAT Togami? Togami Corporation? Wait- a BOY? 

No way. No fucking way. She totally called it. But to think that Makoto wasn't just crushing on a TOGAMI but was writing letters hoping to confess. The image of her average joe brother handing, not just a random someone but a TOGAMI, a handwritten letter made her giggle.

She continued to pick through the letters. He certainly had a thing for Kyoko and Byakuya as there were SEVERAL versions of those letters. There were a few more for Sayaka, and a few singles for others such as someone named Asahina Aoi, and someone named Ikusaba Mukuro.

Was Makoto just falling in love with anyone who so much as looked at him? 

She needed so desperately to know more. She was trying hard not to sputter with laughter at the assortment of letters now in her lap. Makoto didn't just think he was an anime protagonist he seemed like he thought he was a harem protagonist. 

The door opened up, leaving Komaru without even a single moment to put everything back. 

"Komaru, you know I don't like you in my-..." Makoto's slightly annoyed tone cut off as he processed the sight in front of him. 

Komaru. His sister. With all his very personal letters in her grasp. 

Makoto quickly sprung into action. "Ack! No! No stop that! Why are you going through my bag!?" He dropped to his knees, sliding on the wooden floor and scrambling to rip all the letters away from her. 

She held on tight to one of them, it was one of Byakuya's letters. Her face was smug, knowing all too well she was about to bring the motherfucking gavel down on him. 

"Komaru let go!" Makoto whined trying to snag Komaru’s prize for snooping.

"I- ppftt - I can't believe you wanted to date like half your class!" Komaru disregarded her brother's pitiful plee and kept the letter just out of his reach. Her brother's face was beet red as he glared at her.

"H-hey it's not HALF!" Komaru continued to laugh at him, unable to even get a sentence out between her wheezes. Makoto picked up a pillow from his bed and threw it at her face. 

She rolled back with the impact, hopping up onto her feet and balancing on her heels. She held the letter high above her head. 

"I never thought you'd be the type to write CONFESSION LETTERS!" 

Makoto felt panic rushing through his very veins, "its not…!" He couldn't even do much but stay on the ground desperately trying to think of a way out of this situation "They aren't confession letters!! I dont have crushes on all of them now give it back!" 

His face, all the way to his ears, had gone so bright red you could make a paint swatch out of it.  

Komaru's amusement somehow grew worse at his words. She stood tall over him, her smile reminiscent of a cruel villain from an shounen anime. "All of them?" She said. 

Her face hurt from being unable to stop smiling, "All of them?! You have crushes on all of them at the same time?!" 

"No…!" 

"Oh my GOD I thought you just kept switching crushes because you're sensitive! Not piled them up!" 

"I didn’t-!" 

"What was the plan here Makoto?!" 

"I don't know! There is none!" 

"Oh my God I have to read one." 

"No!" 

That got Makoto back into action, jumping up to once again try to tear the letter by force out of his sister's hands. She retaliated by licking his hand when it came near her face. 

"Gross! Komaru!" 

"Makoto please you need to tell me. You're seriously going after a TOGAMI?" 

She was pretty sure if Makoto blushed anymore he'd pass out from a head rush. 

"Tell me what you like about him" she said "or I'll tear this bad boy open!" 

"Honestly, I'm not too sure either…" Makoto had far more memories of Byakuya insulting him for being an 'optimistic commoner idiot' than he did memories of him being nice. 

Komaru flopped back, throwing herself down onto Makoto's bed hard enough that she got a bit of airtime. "You go to an elite school and now you think all these Ultimates are in your league!" She propped herself up on one arm "I mean, I expected this for Maizono, but I always thought you were more modest than this Makoto. You should know the harem comes to YOU, not the other way around!" 

Makoto's voice reached a pitch that she thought should be impossible, "I don't want a harem!" 

Completely sitting up on his bed now, waving the letter in her hand mockingly, she said "No? Trying to pick one lucky fella then?" 

"How am I supposed to choose?!" 

"No way you actually are. Pffftt…! You're in some deep shit Makoto!"

"It's not my fault..! I mean...they're all so amazing! Maizono-san and I became good friends right away...and when she told me she remembered me from middle school I was a goner…! 

And then Kirigiri-san trusts me - ME Komaru! - to help her on investigations. And- and sometimes she gets this adorable pout when I spend time with other friends for too long. And when she smiles at me...it's so rare but she has the prettiest smile...anyone would be lucky to have her! 

And oh no, Togami-kun. He seems almost like he hates hanging out with me, but then he gets upset when I seem disinterested. He tells me all these personal details about his life as if he wants me to be closer to him. How can I not look into that! 

All these people are messing with my head!" 

"Woah woah lover boy calm down!" 

Makoto panted, having to catch his breath after blurting out such a very personal speech about his feelings. Realizing just how embarrassing that entire thing was, he zippered his hood up all the way so that Komaru had no chance of seeing his embarrassment. He dropped himself back down so that he was sitting on the floor, reflecting on all the actions and words he picked to get him in this situation. Maybe if he just sat quietly he would actually disappear.

"Aren't you the older one here?" 

"Shut up…" 

"You always did have a soft heart, you fell for Maizono-san just from talking to her once! And now you've got all these guys to worry about" 

"I don't know what to do…" Makoto mumbled, "I'm lucky enough to be friends with them." 

"You really like all of them, huh?"

Makoto nodded, unzipping his hoodie just a smidge, enough so that his eye peeked out, "every chance I get to spend time with them feels really special"

Komaru, still sitting down on Makoto's bed, leaned her head back against the back wall. A much softer smile graced her face, it was a small little thing but Makoto understood the meaning. Komaru thumbled the envelope in her hands, then placed it by her side. 

"You're just...you're kinda amazing, Makoto." 

"Huh?" Makoto didn't understand that at all, he wasn't anything special at all! He only got lucky, otherwise he was the most average guy in Japan. He unzipped his hoodie all the way, embarrassment forgotten in his confusion.

"I mean look at you!" She lifted her head back up, gesturing wildly to all of Makoto, "you're out there, making friends with the most amazing people in the world just by being yourself! I mean...what is up with that?!"

Makoto smiled, "They are the most amazing people, huh?" 

"You've always been pretty good at making friends-" 

"So are you though!" 

"-but I never thought you'd be this good! You're going places! You're making connections!" Her excitement and gestures began to slowly lose steam as she spoke. Her movements more sluggish and heavy, her smile going away. 

"And I'm still gonna be here. Just a normal girl." 

Well...that made sense. Makoto felt exactly the same. He and his sister may be rather different, but they were also incredibly similar. They were both optimistic, friendly, they both saw the good in a lot of people, but they also both felt like they were painfully average. Makoto lifted himself off the ground and joined Komaru on the bed, sitting next to her. He knew that just telling her she was special wouldn't help much, he'd experienced people telling him that over and over and he still felt like he cheated his way into being "special".  

After a pause, Makoto said, "you know...I know a few Ultimates I think you'd make good friends with…" 

Komaru looked up at that, "Wait, really?" 

"Yeah! You'd get along great with Maizono-san, Enoshima-san-" 

Komaru gasped, "Enoshima? Like Enoshima Junko?" 

"Uh, yeah!" 

"She's a total BABE Makoto where's her letter!" 

Makoto laughed, she sure cheered up fast, "Maybe you can write it after you talk to her for a bit." 

"You really think she'd talk to me? I'm not an Ultimate." 

"Sure! If she can talk to me, she'll get along just fine with you! Ah but...careful...she can be kind of intense on pranks…"

"She sounds great!"

"And that's not all! There's also people you already know! You've read Yamada-san's fan books and one of Fukawa-san's novels!" 

"You know them?!" 

"You don't need to be in Hope's Peak and you don't need to be special to go places, I think you're fine as you are!"

Komaru's shoulders lifted and she curled in on herself, a genuine grateful look on her face, "thanks Makoto...you're a good brother" 

"Any time, Komaru." He smiled sweetly, "now give me my letter back." 

#danganronpa #dr #dr:thh #makoto naegi #komaru naegi #naegiri #naegami #fanfic #glad to see i can still give my fanfics the dumbest titles ever #the read more is way lower than i put it but i guess f u c k me right tumblr #this is not junko/komaru #it's snooping time

[bookandcover]

Haunting, complex, raising many questions and intentionally giving no easy answers--this is a beautiful novel, compressed into a glittering, sharp gem. I was really pleased to receive this novel as a gift and as a recommendation from my literary friend. I hadn’t heard of Alexander Chee before this book, but he’s clearly someone I should know. The space his work inhabits--between fiction and nonfiction--is a lovely, poignant suspension, dream-like, that asks us to consider others’ lives and to look critically at our own. 

It seems an oversimplification to compare Edinburgh to Lolita--both beautiful novels dealing with the fringe topic of pedophilia--because this book is its own thing, its own life. Yet, I did think of Lolita while reading this because of the beauty of the prose and the awareness of beauty on the part of the author. The sense of beauty that permeates these pages, that takes on a life of its own and transcends above any subject matter, reminded me of Nabokov. Chee’s prose is stunning, direct, effervescent--like sinking into a crystal, still lake. Chee writes, as Fee contemplates and then attempts suicide for the first time: “The new year is underway, and the snow makes everything seem perfected, cleaned off and put away until the spring. The evergreens are the suggestion or the idea of a tree, a green shadow helmeted in white. And the bare trees, arterial, reach out as if they give up something of the earth to the air above.” The novel’s characters, like Chee through his prose and his literary craft, experience a love of beauty, and a longing for it, which creates both a contrast and a resonance with the darkest moments in the novel. Chee’s characters struggle with depression, violence, self-harm, sexual assault, and the erasure of their identities. But, at the same time, they leap toward beauty--elegant lines of others’ bodies captured in art, mythology and history studied and retold, repeated motifs of fire and foxes burning brightly against a dark landscape, and the ever-present sublimity of nature. 

I, personally, was very aware of the setting of this novel as part of its beauty. The landscape of Maine--the weather, the flowers, the ocean, the outdoors--is woven throughout the book. This landscape seems to exist in relationship to the emotional state of the narrator (whether Fee or Warden). The natural objects are not symbols, as they too often are in literature. Stones and butterflies don’t represent something that they’re not. Instead, they appear at the right moments, as if summoned into being by the emotional state of each narrator. Or, perhaps, each narrator is able to see them, suddenly, because of a familiarity, a recognition between his inner life and the outer life of the world. We, the readers, notice these connections. Warden sees the glacial erratics, in the oceans and fields, and asks Fee about them just when he feels out of place, just when he feels shattered against a larger, impossible stone. Fee works for Speck and sees his painted fresco of Edinburgh, encounters the letter from the trapped man, right when he feels buried, assumed “dead” by those around him. But we’re not asked to overanalyze these objects, to cheapen them through assignment of meeting. Their role, instead, is to create affinity--a common feeling, an intimacy--between a vulnerable human and a, somehow, sympathetic world. 

It was certainly an odd experience to read a prominent book set in a place I’m so familiar with; I swam in the Cape Elizabeth pool for swim meets in middle school and high school, I camped throughout Maine, I drove through the streets of South Portland that Chee mentions, my guy friends growing up were in Boy Singers of Maine (which Chee calls the Pine State Boys Choir in the novel). Especially in the first section of the book, this familiarity took some getting used to. But it also added to the experience of reading for me. It felt like this story was being told to me by a friend, someone close to me and talking about things I was familiar with. Fee’s experiences, therefore, took on the added horrifying level of proximity, a kind of “this could be me” or “this could be my close friend” feeling. I felt, acutely, the privilege of this not being me, of having been able to grow up slowly and at my pace. Of having been able to ask questions about myself and my identity when I was ready to and not on someone else’s schedule or with someone else’s cold, self-serving interference. 

One of the values of this book, I think, is the way that it does not provide easy answers about pedophilia, sexuality, queerness, and identity. I love the fact that, in the second half of the novel, Warden shows us the experiences of a teenager wildly attracted to an adult, crossing the stigmatized border between adult and child in a very different way than it is crossed by his father Eric Gorendt. At the same time, the novel’s awareness that the line between adult/child is not simple, and that love and attraction can move across it, does not lessen nor excuse Big Eric’s crimes. Big Eric’s crimes are never treated as anything less than horrifying and reprehensible; we see the terrible impact on the boys he assaulted--from Peter’s suicide to Zach’s suicide. Yet, at the same time, we’re privy to Fee’s guilt, his confusion over whether his sexuality played some strange role in these crimes. Fee seems to repeatedly wonder whether Big Eric sensed in him some affinity, some willingness to be complicit? Fee’s misguided guilt, his confusion, his ongoing obsession with Peter and boys who look like him allows us readers to view all these issues and questions around attraction as ones that are deeply complex. We can, and we are asked to, condemn Big Eric. But we are not asked to condemn attraction beyond the barriers that are normally established by society. And we are asked to question our own assumptions, about anything. 

At the heart of this novel, there is love. It’s a novel, fundamentally, about love. Love that is not to be confused with attraction, with obsession, with selfishness--although the characters question themselves, repeatedly, on the reasons they experience all of these feelings. I’m not sure I understand the ending of this novel--a lot seems unresolved--as it spirals into a rather shocking resolution with Warden’s attack on his father (the kind of decisive action Fee never seemed to be able to bring himself to?), the sudden affair between Fee and Warden, and Fee’s choice (is it final?) to abandon Warden and return to Bridey. After thinking about this a lot, my interpretation is that the ending works as a reminder of the central, essential role of love. Love is healing. Fee is the main character and he moves through the novel from a place of trauma to a resolution in healing. The novel, while feeling unfinished around certain plot points, is finished when its narrative arc is understood to be Fee’s journey toward healing. His brief, passionate relationship with Warden allows him to directly address the long-term trauma that he carries, which has solidified in an obsession with Peter and Peter’s death. At the same time, his choice to let Warden go, to go back to Bridey, shows real growth and healing. Fee chooses the relationship that means “moving on.” He chooses the adult relationship and the life he built for himself, and not the relationship that is about processing and recycling his past. Fee’s choice is an act of self-love, an act of healing, an act of freedom. 

It’s a bit troubling(?) that this act of self-love, this choice, might come at expense of other characters. The jury’s still out on whether “troubling” is the way I feel about this... The novel does a good job setting up Bridey’s character and liberating him from this; he loves Fee wholly and this love comes with understanding. He understands that Fee needs to process his past and he is not irrevocably hurt by this (in fact, he almost seems to see Fee’s affair coming, with his comments on “needing to keep in practice in case I get dumped.”) Bridey finds Fee at the end of the novel. He knows him. He waits for him. And this is the love that changes Fee, that allows him to choose a life free from his past. The Lady Tammamo myth circles around again at the end of the book, as Fee reflects that “love ruins monsters.” All Lady Tammamo needed to do to become human was to love one man. Fee, too, seems to become human, in his own eyes, faced with Bridey’s unconditional love. There is hope for them, going forward, awareness of a new version of Fee that is better to be in love with. 

But what of Warden? We don’t get Warden’s resolution, his reaction to Fee’s departure, and I wondered about this. Warden’s descriptions of his love for Fee always got to me, always took hold of my heart and squeezed, transfixed me--like the butterflies he preserves on pins. These are the kinds of lines you’d want to write and rewrite, on journals, on skin, in places you’d see them everyday. 

“And so it is that the faint, caused by my thinking of the theft of the picture, is the first reason he takes me in his arms.” 

“I love him, I say, surprising myself. When he’s around, it feels like he’s in charge of everything in me. I don’t know what to do with that. Do you kiss it? I don’t know.” 

“So let me get this straight. You throw up so much that you are fainting, and now you have been prescribed drugs, because you want this man so much, but, you aren’t gay.” 

“How tear, as in to cry, and tear, as in to rip or pull, how they’re spelled the same? You could write them and someone reading would not know if you were crying or separating.” [Outro: Tear, anyone?]

I wanted happiness and healing for Warden, as well. But the bird inside him scares me. Perhaps his story is another story--Warden’s story, he was part of Fee’s only briefly. Is Warden’s story a tragedy or one in which he comes to know himself, though this experience of young love, and moves on--also looking to the future, and not the past? I hope so. If Fee has left Warden behind, another hurt child, that ending for this novel is, certainly, troubling. 

I don’t have an easy answer here (or anywhere). But the novel’s resistance to resolution/finality is realistic, and one of the most powerful moves of this story, as it inhabits that uncanny valley between fiction and non-fiction. 

#edinburgh #alexander chee #queer lit #maine #good reads

[ofmymuses]

Hello! I saw somewhere you are writing a book and I currently doing the same thing! May I ask you on some tips? I struggle with attention span, my own writing style and the pacing. How do you deal with this kind of stuff? Also with critics? I know I need it to be better but I am still super sensitive. GOOD LUCK TO YOU BTW!!!

hey  hey  !!  firstly,  i  want  to  thank  you  for  messaging  me  here  rather  than  over  on  my  indie  –   i’d  just  rather  keep  it  purely  rping  stuff  over  there  so  again,  thank  you  :~)  &  also  thank  you  for  the  well  wishes  !!  i’m  super  excited  &  i  wish  you  the  absolute  best  with  your  book  as  well !!   ~  what’s  yours  going  to  be  about ?  if  you ( anyone  reading  this,  not  just  anon )  ever  want  dm  me  &  gush  about  our  books,  i  would  actually  love  to  :’’’)

but  onto  some  tips  …  please  keep  in  mind  that  these  are  just  what  i  do  because  i,  too,  have the  attention  span  of  an  actual  rock  DFKGHS.  if  you  ever  need  help  with  anything  else  (  regarding  story writing  or  anything  else  ),  feel  free  to  come  back  @  any  time  +  i’d  be  more  than  happy  to  help  :-)

so  …  i  don’t  think  it  really  matters  where  you  choose  to  write  your  story  –  in  any  writing  software  or  wherever –  but  i’d  suggest  writing  in  google  docs  simply  because  it  says  as  you  go  &,  knowing  from  experience,  there’s  nothing  more  heartbreaking  than  writing  for  an  hour  just  for  the  app  to  crash  +  you  lose  all  you’re  writing.

(  i’m  going  to  put  the  rest  under  a  read  more  so  i  can  write  all  my  thoughts  &  not  worry  about  it  being  super  long  – which it is, sorry about that –  &  clogging  the  dash  )

i  made  a  separate  tumblr  account  strictly  for  my  book  where  i  can  put  my  thoughts, ideas,  chapter  outlines,  character  stuff,  etc  on.  whenever  i  go  to  write  in  my  book,  i  keep  that  tumblr  signed  in  &  i  get  off  the  dash  and  only  keep  the  actual  blog  open  because  not  only  does  it  help  having  it  open  to  add  anything  important  you  may  think  of  while  writing  but  it  also  helps  keep  your  attention  off  the  dash  ‘cause  you  won’t  be  following  anyone  on  that  account  so  none  of  the  posts  will  be  your  friends  or  anything  that  really  pertains  to  you.  you’ll  also  be  able  to  follow  /  reblog  writing  help  stuff  or  just  things  that  inspire  your  book  there  without  worrying  about  “messing  up”  the  content  on  your  main  blog.

don’t  open  any  tabs  of  things  that  might  grab  your  attention  —  social  media,  youtube, game sites, etc.  it’s  super  important  to  only  keep  writing  help  tabs  up  so  you  aren’t  tempted  to visit  the  other  tabs  +  potentially  get  lost  among  them  and  lose  time.  the  tabs  i  personally  keep  open  are:  google  docs  for  writing,  spotify  ( or 8tracks )  for  inspiring  music  &  thesaurus ( or powerthesaurus )  for  help  finding  new  words.  this  is  just  me,  personally,  but  you  can  open  anything  that  you  think  will  help  you  stay  focus  &  inspired  to  write.  if  it  doesn’t  /  if  it’ll  just  be  a  distraction,  don’t  open  it.

pop  on  some  music  that  gives  off  the  vibe  of  your  story.  this  can  help  you  stay  inspired  &  get  more  in  the  zone.  what  i  always  do  is  think  of  different  games  /  books  /  shows  that  are  the  same  genre  and  look  up  playlists  for  that  other  thing.  or  you  can  directly  look  up  the  genre  of  your  book  +  writing.  so,  if  you’re  writing  a  scary  book  about  a  haunted  mansion,  you  could  look  up  “writing” + “horror”  ( or just “horror” )  &  i  guarantee  you  a  lot  of  different  options  will  come  up  to  help  you  really  get  into  that  setting. !!  BUT  !!  if  music  distracts  rather  than  inspires  &  if  you  prefer  writing  in  complete  silence,  just  ignore  this  ~  it’s  not  for  everyone.  a  bit  of  a  tip  i  do  have  for  you  though,  if  you’re  in  a  noisy  area,  is  to  put  headphones / earphones  in.  it  won’t  block  out  ALL  of  the  noise  but  it’ll  at  least  help  muffle  the  sound  around  you.

there  really  isn’t  one  set  way  to  stay  focused  ;  you  can  google  different  ways  to  keep  your  attention  on  one  thing  but  something  that  really  helps  me  is  writing  about  something  i  love  or  something  that  inspires  me  !  writing  a  story  about  a  romance  that  blossoms  when  your  true  passion  is  in  the  adventure  genre  is  a  surefire  way  of  making  it  hard  to  focus  when  writing.  no  one  likes  to  write  stuff  you  aren’t  interested  in  ~  so  don’t  do  it  !  it’s  your  book  and  no  one  can  tell  you  not  to  write  what  you  love.  just  find  a  topic  /  genre  you  really  enjoy  &  start  there.

regarding  pacing  ….  ( future edit: i  realize  i  didn’t  understand  what  type  of  pacing  you  meant ....  so  i  didn’t  really  answer  your  question  but  i  have  links  at  the  bottom  to  help  you;  sorry  about  that !!  ) let  me  tell  you  upfront  that  i  am  the  worst  when  it  comes  to  pacing  because  i  either  write  for  5  hours  straight  or  write  for  5  minutes  then  walk  away. and  that’s  okay  !  in  reality,  you  can’t  force  yourself  to  write.  this  just  leads  to  sloppiness  and  while, yes,  it’s  the  first  draft,  you’ll  be  giving  yourself  extra  things  to  do  in  the  future ( figuring out what you wanted to write  /  what  you  meant  at  the  time / editing, etc etc ).  SO  !  what  do  you  do  when  you  don’t  feel  like  writing  ?  i’ve  been  using  this  word  a  lot  and  i  apologize  but  you  should  inspire  yourself  to  write.  i’d  suggest maybe  watch  a  movie  that’s  similar  to  your  book  or  watching  a  bit  of  a  playthrough  of  a  game  ( or  play  a  bit  of  it  yourself  if  you  have  it  )  that’s  similar  to  your  book  or  even  read  a  bit  of  a  different  book  !  you  can  also  wait  until  you  feel  the  urge  to  write  again  but  there’s  never  telling  how  long  that  could  be.  something  that  i’m  going  to  try  doing  is  making  a  schedule  for  writing  your  book.  this  can  absolutely  help  keep  you  on  track  as  well  as  making  sure  you  don’t  burn out  from writing  too  much.

when  it  comes  to  critiquing  my  stories,  i  always  show  it  to  my  mom  /  brother  /  boyfriend  /  anyone  i  trust  to  give  their  real  opinion.  i  think  it’s  important  to  get  critics  from  people  you  KNOW  will  be  honest  (  but  not  rude  or  hurtful  )  about  it.  i  do  this  throughout  writing  &  not  when  i’m  fully  finished  ~  this  is  just  because  books  can  be  very  long  &  take  a  while  for  people  to  finish  meaning  you  get  feedback  slower  than  if  you  were  to  show  your  writing  during  the  process  ??  if  that  makes  sense ?  you  can  also  send  it  to  online  friends  (  which  is  another  reason  i  love  google  docs  btw !!  you  can  so  easily  send a  viewing  link  out  )  and  get  an  opinion  from  them.

regarding  writing  style  ….  i  feel  like  this  is  a  lot  like  when  artists  find  their  art  style.  you  can  just  write  &  let  the  words  flow  or  you  could  also  read  books  from  different  authors  &  see  which  interests  you  or  you  could  even  google  different  styles  ?  you  shouldn’t  force  yourself  to  do  a  certain  style  though,  pick  one  that  flows  well  for  you  &  isn’t  stressful  to  write.

i’m  sorry  for  how  long  this  got  DFDKGHD  i  didn’t  realize  how  much  there  was  to  say  but  i  think  i  got  it  all  out.  i  hope  it  helped  you  out  even  a  little  bit  !  i’ll  leave  you  with  a  few  resources  to  further  help  you  out  :~)  like  i  said  before,  please  do  come  back  if  you  have  any  other  questions  or  if  you  want  to  tell  me  about  your  book  because  i’d  looooooove  to  hear  it  ~

8 ways to improve your focus

8 quick ways to improve your attention span

10 ways to stand out and develop a unique writing style

how to find your writing style

7 quick tips for mastering pacing in your story

pacing in writing: what is it and how to master it

how to create strong pacing for your story

#Anonymous #general help #answered #BEST WISHES TO YOU + YOUR BOOK!! #also drinking game: drink whenever i say 'inspired' or 'your book' DFJGHSDG

[enchanters-books]

Hi! I'm writing my first book and I was wondering: is indie publishing expensive?

Hi there!

That’s really great that you’re writing a book.:) In regards to your question, there is not a one size fits all number I can give you. 

I can only draw from my own experience but with indie publishing you get to call all the shots. That can be good and bad. The good news is that you can for the most part spend as much (or as little) as you want on any of the steps involved in publishing your book. That being said, the bad news is that you may not (probably won’t) get the exposure that a book published by one of the juggernaut publishing houses would get. So you should be pretty honest with yourself about WHY you’re writing and WHO you’re writing for if you really are serious about the indie route.

So, don’t want to discourage anyone here but this is what I’ve had to handle when getting one of the Enchanters books out. As each book has come out I’ve adjusted my methods. I’ve also picked up a lot of skills just out of necessity (learning many types of software is one example).

So, here’s what I have to do for 1 book:

Cover Art: This includes designing the logo, typography, photography. I’ve found cover art makes a difference when trying to sell books. There’s a lot of bad cover art. Don’t cheap out if you can help it. If you can’t afford an artist, talk to friends that might be graphic designers for tips if you want to have a go of it yourself. You’ll need to make sure your cover art works for all formats you want to publish your book in.

Pick a service/distributor: Createspace, Blurb, Smashwords, Ingram Spark, Lulu--I mean this list goes on for a while. I personally use Ingram Spark. It’s kind of a steeper learning curve than some of the others but I’m able to control the entire process in a way that works for me and the distribution options are pretty good. It also allows me to get Enchanters in some select physical stores. 

ISBN: Some self publishing services take care of this for you. An ISBN is a unique identifier for your book. You need a separate one for each format of your book (ebook, paperback, hardcover, etc). Again, not always necessary to buy if your service provides it for you.

Editor: The best decision I ever made was to invest in a good editor. You won’t always like the comments you get back from them. That’s by design - they’re supposed to tear your writing apart so it can be refined. Editors don’t always work out either--find one that likes to work on the type of book you are writing. Editors can help you structure your story, find mistakes, clean up bad writing, copyediting, and delete entire scenes that are completely unnecessary. :) 

Formatting: Ingram Spark is pretty picky about how the books need to be formatted. I hired a pro to do it for Book 1 and then learned InDesign and did it myself for Book 2. Remember that ebook and paperback usually require different formatting processes.

Proofreading: I swear no matter how many times my stuff gets looked over there will be some stupid typo that got missed. It happens in tons of books indie or not.

“Back Cover” Summary/Blurb: Get your editor in on this process if possible. First impressions really are important.

Marketing: This is the biggest crapshoot. Honestly the best way I’ve seen marketing work for books is word of mouth. If people talk about your book, more people will read it. Using ARC sites can be useful in getting reviews, which can help you get your book onto booklists, which make more people buy your book. You see how it all sorta connects? 

If you’re a total unknown, be prepared to give away books at first, especially if you’re planning a series. There are lots of book bloggers who love getting free copies of books though. But do your research on what they like to read before asking them to add your book to their mountain of TBRs.

I actually was fortunate enough to get a PR expert when I started. They often have ties in the industry and can find you those book bloggers and reviewers as well as give you advice on what to post on social media (see below).

Website:  My advice is DON’T BOTHER YET unless you can have something of decent quality. Your website should have a button that easily takes your readers to where they can buy the book. It should also have decent optimization for search engines to index (google that if you’re not sure what it means). A newsletter is also a great way to get people engaged in your book especially if you plan to write more. Also, please make it look good on mobile because a lot of people will view it from their phone.

Something I underestimated when I started was not talking about myself enough. Apparently people DO like to hear more about the authors of books they read. :)

Social Media: Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook...that stuff helps but don’t rely on it 100%. Follow other authors. Don’t fall into an attitude where you feel like you need to compete with other indie authors. We’re all in this together. :) You should try to keep at least one social media account active and updated often. 

Okay, wow. That was a lot to type. I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head but I’m happy to try to answer any follow up questions from this. Please keep in mind this was just MY experience and I can’t tell you that it TOTALLY worked or failed. I CAN say that writing Enchanters has been a really wild adventure and I’ve met some amazingly talented people through this process. 

Anywho, hope that helps a bit. :) 

#enchanters-books #indie publishing #indie books #self publishing #writing

[mfackenthal]

The MFackenthal Show and @maxattack-powell!

banner by @whenyourheartskipsabeat

Hello all!  Welcome back to the MFackenthal Show!  I am so glad that you are here today.  If you’re new to the show, I encourage you to go here to find past episodes.  There are only a few.

The MFackenthal Show has officially been green lit for more episodes!  We used to only be able to afford to run the show every once in a while, but the people have spoken - they want to see the show more often!  The funding came through and we hope to give the people what they want!  Do you want to be on the show?  Do you have someone that you want to see on the show?  If so - reblog or comment or send a message to let MFackenthal know!  We’ll see what we can do!  We have this show and two others lined up for you!

I could not be more excited to bring you this next guest.  She has been with the fandom for quite a while.  She was one of the first people I started communicating with on a regular basis.  She has talked me up, supported me from the beginning and though she hasn’t written much lately - when she does drop a chapter - it’s long and it’s worth it!  Please welcome to the stage @maxattack-powell!!!!!  (Insert Cheering here!)

(Megs greets Max with a hug - which means that Megs essentially runs and leaps into Max’s arms.  Max is fairly tall and Megs is barely 5′3″) 

Megs:  Max, I am so happy that you are here!  Can you believe that you’re here today?

Max:  Haha, yes - I can.  But I am honored to be here.

Megs:  Max, sit with me.  For those in the audience who may not know you, tell us about when and why you joined the fandom.

Max: Yanno, I always made my best guess at this before, but I knew you were going to ask me this - so I looked it up.  Did you know that now there’s this Official Tumblr blog called @memories, and it knows down to the minute when someone joined? Let me go check it… *digs through the blogs posts* Okay, it was apparently 07/31/2017 at 1:17:15 PM, which means it must have been on the weekend because of the time of day haha.

As for why ... hmm, well… I found the Choices app one day, when it only had like… three series I think! Anyone else remember that time? 

Megs:  I do!  Because I was playing Hollywood University I think I downloaded choices the day the app came out.

Max: Awh!  Well, I fell in love with The Freshman Series. Mostly because of Chris Powell and Zack Zilberg, and a long time ago I was in another fandom that had tons of fan fiction/art… so I googled “Choices Chris Powell” and any other combination I could think of looking for possible fanfiction. The fandom was almost non existent at the time. There was actually one person, who has long since left the fandom due to fandom dramas - we all know the kinds I’m talking about - but a few others had started posting their works as well… and I got hooked. Eventually I felt the bug to write how I felt TF should play out as well, and here I am *looks back at the “joined tumblr timestamp”* uhh… 20ish months ago!  Haha!!

Megs:  LOL, when you put it that way it doesn’t sound like that long ago ... lets call a spade a spade - that was almost 2 years ago!  That’s amazing!  You have to have seen so much in this fandom!  What is it that keeps you around?

Max: There are so many awesome people in this fandom, in this world we’ve all created for our pixelated loves lol. Soooo many creative minds to follow and enjoy. The content people share, original or repost… it’s great. 

... Unfortunately it is also a double edge sword ... the drama, the jealousy, the rumors, the hate, etc. I’ve sadly seen far too much and it comes in so many forms… it’s unnecessary.

Megs:  I couldn’t agree more!  If you could tell the fandom one thing - what would it be?

Max: It would be that we’re all here because we want to have a good time. No one came here to get ridiculed, to be scrutinized or chastised for their opinions, their likes or dislikes. Real life has enough of that going on. We are all individuals - if you want to be treated nicely, fairly, etc. you must also do the same to others. There is no reason someone must agree with you or anyone else. Live and let live. Embrace our differences as it makes us who we are. Most of the issues I see stem from a simple difference in opinion. That is ridiculous. Everyone’s entitled to their own thoughts. We must build each other up, not tear one another down. No one here owes anyone anything, now go have some fun.

(The room stands up in applause!)

Megs:  You should definitely stand up and take a bow, Max! 

(Max does just as Megs suggests - but she also makes Megs stand up and do the same. Laughing, they both sit back down.)

Awh, Max ... okay, let’s get back to you.  We know that you’d fight anyone for the position of The Chris Powell Appreciation/Fan Club.  And for those who don’t know, Max has been retelling the full The Freshman series, interweaving dialogue and plot from PB but also adding much of her own content.  MC and Chris get a backstory.  Chris gets best friends from back home.  What is your favorite piece that you have written?

Max: Oh geez hahaha. Um… can I just say The Freshman Chronicles as a whole? I’ve written for different fandoms, and I have original WIPs but I’ll stick to the Choices fandom for this answer. I’ve put a lot of time into TFC. Tons of additional story work, research on characters and their backgrounds, PBs and my own OCs. You should see my file folder setup haha. It’s crazy… I have so many docs, pictures and gifs. Most organized by location (Hartfeld, Boston, New Haven, Cherryfield, etc.), then by character… and on some I get more detailed and split them by emotion and situation.

Megs: By what again?

Max:  Emotion and Situation ... Yeah. I warned you it was crazy! *laughs* TFC was the reason I joined tumblr really. Instead of staying a Nonny and only reading others posted works. I wanted to comment, like and reblog what I enjoyed, while I also worked on my own contribution to the fandom. I had a vision for Chris and MC that had more than the game could give, and I wanted to see if i was still any good at writing since it had been years and years… it’s funny to see how different my current posts are from my first over a year ago. Makes me want to go update a few because they could use a little help *awkward laugh*

Megs:  I’m sure we can all relate to that!  Hmmm ... I’m starting to get a feel for this, I think, but what is your writing process?

Max:  Lots of planning, mostly in my head. When I feel like I have a decent concept I might type out some notes or work it into my outline (another crazy thing I have going for TFC because it’s so big haha). But usually, once I hatch out a basic plan on where I’m going… I just start typing. Keeping the general plot and main points I want to hit in mind, I simply start typing… keeping it as organic as possible. It usually works out well. 

Megs:  Do you have any advice for other writers?

Max: First, and most importantly… do it because you enjoy it. Don’t do it for likes, reblogs, popularity, etc. If you’re having a good time dreaming things up and typing them out, that’s what’s important. The rest is just an extra bonus. Also, don’t give up. It’s easy to become discouraged, frustrated, distracted and more… but remember - your creative cells can’t be running all the time. They need to rest just like your body. Take breaks… go read, play games, hang out with friends/family, watch a movie… whatever. Just do something to help you relax, to reset and you’ll very probably find inspiration and/or motivation to continue. Remember, this is for fun. *wink and finger guns*

Megs: So what do you do for fun?

Max: I actually have a few things I do regularly. A big one is making costumes/props for conventions, small productions, etc. I also train and show horses. I do the same with my dogs, but more for competitions and not really any shows. I’ve always drawn, sculpted, painted since I was old enough to hold things with my hands… and about a year ago I started learning how to do it digitally as well. I run (not at all for fun haha) and play hockey (totally for fun), follow comics and watch anime. I've restored houses, cars and old furniture. I like to read as much as I can - that’s an important one. I also play video games. Something I’ve done since I was young… I've even competed, and won, a few gaming tournaments.

Megs:  You don’t know how to be bored do you?

Max: LOL, Megs.  Yeah, um, so there’s a “few” *makes air quotes* of my never ending list of interests haha. Gives me a lot to talk about with people, eh?

Megs: Not that I can understand how you’d have time for this ... but what do you do to help pay for your many activities?

Max:  Oh like, my job? Well that can be a simple answer… like “I work in software” but the more interesting way to say it is I use my MBA, experience in business, the financial industry and technology to improve and stabilize my customers environment through technological solutions that fit their specific needs. *presses lips together* I solve problems by designing solutions. Bored yet? Hahaha.

Megs:  No!  That sounds wonderful!  Who doesn’t want their stuff to be designed better?  Any chance you could start working for tumblr?  Some of us have a few complaints ... tags ... mobile losing our work ...

Max:  I’m not sure they could pay me enough to help them with all of their problems!  But, tumblr, feel free to send me an offer!

Megs:  Seriously - send her a 6 figure offer!

Max:  Okay, Megs, well now I have a question for you.

Megs: Uhhhh, Max, that’s not exactly how this is supposed to go. 

Max:  Yeah, don’t care.  Your fans need to know ... Hoooow do you find the time to read and review so much?! And I know that’s just in this fandom.  I know you read books and you may read for other fandoms!?  Seriously, it’s awesome. We need to clock your page flipping speed haha.

Megs:  *blushes* Oh my gosh, you have to stop!  Here’s the key to how I do it ... I wake up at 5:30am and read for about 30 minutes.  Then I workout and start my day.  I read in line at the grocery stores.  I read on my breaks at work. 

Max:  Oh my gosh - you’re such a nerd and I love that!  Okay, nerd, what is your favorite thing to do, besides reading all the things of course?

Megs: This show, of course!  And, of course, getting people to do silly things on this show with me.  For instance - with as athletic as you are, I hear you can’t jump? 

Max:  Megs, shhhhh.  You told me you weren’t going to bring that up.

Megs:  I did no such thing! (Meg says while laughing) I said I might not bring it up.

Max:  Uh huh.

(Kris Kross’s “Jump” starts playing in the studio)

Megs:  Come on - show me what you’ve got! 

(Megs starts “singing” along and jumping along with the song. Max stays seated.  Megs finally pulls Max up into a standing position. Max plays along and “jumps” next to Megs - getting no air at all.)

Oh, come on Max - put some real strength in to it.  Jump! Jump! Jump!

(Max jumps and gets the smallest amount of air time.)

Max:  *laughing* Megs - I’m tall!  I don’t need to jump to reach things!

Megs:  *laughing* That must be nice.  I got good at this type of jumping because I had to learn to jump up and gently grab things from the grocery so I didn’t knock everything down.

*continuing to jump around the audience - getting everyone to join her* And that’s all for the show today today, folks!  Thank you for watching!!  Have a great night!

#The Mfackenthal Show #With @maxattack-powell #Official show number 3 #But the 4th interview #Ellen has nothing on me #Oh who are we kidding #I wish I were half as cool as Ellen #She gets paid to do this #I do this for free #But I love it!

[sicklikeaudreyhepburn]

What is your relationship with food?

Trigger Warning: If you are struggling with an ED or are navigating your own topsy turvy relationship with food, please contemplate whether or not reading my experience will be helpful or harmful to you in this moment. Much love.

What is your relationship with food? That’s the question that prompted me to start this blog. A person didn’t ask me this question, I saw it in some advertisement, I couldn’t tell you what it was selling. My eyes glazed over the ad bar at first but then as the words sunk in, I realized that my answer is lengthy. And incredibly complicated. When I read the question again, I recognized a pit in my stomach and felt compelled to get to the bottom of that discomfort. 

As many young women can probably relate, food is my frenemy. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it (literally!). Food means so many things... sustenance, community, comfort, creativity, an expression of love, to name a few friendly connotations. Food’s dark side can’t be overlooked, however: hunger, restriction, bingeing, purging numbing, isolating, addicting. I’ve experienced both faces of food. 

Over the years, I’ve tried improving my relationship with food but it remains thorny. External relationships are like mirrors into the internal emotional world. This blog is an attempt to reflect on my emotions as well as the ways in which they tie into my health habits. These habits have ebbed and flowed over the years but through reflection and acknowledgement of my ups and downs, I go forward seeking balance and self-compassion.

At an early age, I began associating my body image and weight with the food that I consumed. I started demonizing certain foods and becoming compulsive about what and how much I was eating. I checked my weight every single morning. That number dictated my entire day. A pound lost? Glorious! A pound gained? Failure. 

Eventually, I grew exhausted of such restriction. I wanted to break free. I was angry at the confinement and rigidity I had forced upon myself. Gradually, I would rebel against the hungry ache in my belly by gorging myself with as much food as I possibly could, reaching for any and everything in my field of vision. In the immediate aftermath, I would feel defeated and heavy with self-loathing.

I cycled through restriction and binge. A loop many struggle to break out of. My personal life has brought many blows and losses over recent years. Each one has come with a different phase of food. When I lost a loved one, I lost my appetite with her passing. Nothing was appealing. Yet, the weight I lost and the “ideal body” I attained were meaningless. 

During the processing of my grief, I reflected on my body image preoccupations and became disgusted with myself for being so obsessed with my external appearance. In the shadow of immense loss, I felt furious with myself for ever caring about such trivialities. So again, I rebelled and swung the other way: I ate until I could barely move. I stuffed all of the awful feelings and distracted myself with fleeting tastes. 

Beyond my eating habits, I just generally stopped taking care of myself. I stopped exercising, wearing makeup, shaving... my morning face washing became occasional as opposed to routine.** Subsequently, my body and mind reflected this lack of TLC. I gained 15 lbs thereby alienating my entire wardrobe, felt physically horrible--achey and lethargic, broke out in painful cystic acne all over my face, got rashes on my face and abdomen (probably from stress), and became increasingly emotionally distressed. My sleep was disturbed by my late night snacking, my self-esteem and confidence plummeted as my body felt unrecognizable, and as a result, I isolated myself and withdrew from social situations.

Some of these issues continue to linger but I have made progress. I see a therapist and I am working on my grief reaction as well as regulating my emotions. Due to an injury, I haven’t been able to use my typical stress-outlet of exercise. I go for slow walks and I’m trying to incorporate creative outlets like art. I am starting to meditate and doing my best to observe with non-judgment. Every single day, I try to approach situations with self-compassion and patience... exploring challenges with curiosity instead of criticism. 

All of these present a unique challenge. But, I realize I am planting the seeds. It will take me days, weeks and months of repetition before they feel natural and like necessary parts of my day.

While I am trying to incorporate healthy habits in various realms of my life, I still struggle to rein in my eating patterns. When I am stressed, I go straight for comfort food. It is my friend in loneliness and my mood lift in times of sadness. It is a crutch that lets me hide away and remain stuck. The deeper I dig myself into weight gain and just feeling YUCK (over-stuffed and groggy because of the heaps of sugary munching), the less I want to get out there and live my life to the fullest. My distracting relationship with food has taken away from the richness of life because of the things, the beauty I haven’t been able to focus on.

On this blog, as I work toward balance, I will be documenting my experience with food and my experience as I follow a regimen to lose weight in a healthy and sustainable manner. This weight loss is to return to my healthy, normal weight as an active young woman. I naturally have a small frame, as does each of my family members. Prior to my complicated voyage with food, I was innately lithe.

After my aforementioned mega-rebellion against all things material and self-care and consequently feeling awful, I believe I have more clearheadedness toward weight regulation. I seek to care about my appearance while not being all-consumed or vain. I aim to approach weight loss through health--nutritious foods and choices that make me feel good from the inside out--as opposed to a projected “ideal body” to “achieve.” I can confidently say that right now, at my current weight and soft edges, I love my body and my reflection in the mirror. It is curved, womanly and tender. That being said, loving my body does not mean that I cannot shift my shape and continue to love it as it evolves. 

I am not focused on the number on the scale but I will be using a scale to document my numerical relationship with gravity. In my experience, when I do not weigh myself, I easily become frustrated by what appears to be a lack of progress. Seeing weekly weight changes has been helpful to me in the past but I plan on being particularly careful that I stick to scheduled weigh-days as opposed to checking frequently which can become discouraging in its own way. Additionally, I will be using a rough calorie count each day. Again, without much structure, I find myself guesstimating, either over or under, and then getting frustrated by the lack of precision and throwing in the towel. My approach includes numerical data which can be helpful to some and harmful to others. This is what I believe works for me and I plan to adjust accordingly if needed. I will be sharing weight lost but not SW, GW.

(If anyone is reading this, lol) I welcome any accountability buddies but want to stress that this is not a blog to encourage unnecessary or unhealthy weight loss practices. If it hasn’t been made obvious, I in no way advocate for disordered eating habits... I have experienced both restrictive and bingeing sides of EDs and each has brought emotional and physical suffering. 

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk! Lol. Just wanted to get everything off my chest! I hope that sharing my personal story invites some connection out there in the worldwide web.

I am excited to get started. Day 1: Sept. 29, 2109, check!

**I don’t mean to suggest that having or not having these habits is inherently healthy/good or unhealthy/bad. All of these are personal choices and ideally, they should come from a place of self-love, not neglect as it was in my case.

#weight loss #ed recovery #edblr #losing weight #healthy habits #healthy eating #balance #thinspo accountability accountability partner #lose weight #diet #dieting #calorie counting #weight #weight gain #weight goals #work in progress #fitspo #fitspiration #fitblr #thin #pro ana #not actually pro just using tags #mental health #personal #starting over #starting again #eating diary #self healing #personal story #health journey

[nosecrinklewrites]

twitter fic #2

Hux was a planner. Ever since he had been gifted his very first planner, on the first day of high school, everything in his life had been planned down to the most minute detail. Everything was meticulously written down and planned in advance.

Including his sexual debut.

Losing one's virginity in high school? Too much of a cliché (also likely to be messy and unpleasant).

Losing one's virginity in college? Also a cliché, but much more tasteful.

Losing one's virgnity after college? No, that would ruin the sexual experimentation period he had planned. Hux simply needed to make his debut, so he could move on to the experimental phase. Then he would have it out of his system by the time he got his master's.

His plan was perfect. Now it was just a matter of finding the perfect candidate. It would have to be someone older. Someone experienced. His fellow freshmen were obviously out of the question. And it had to be a man.

Hux believed himself to be a gay man, but he kept an open mind. After all, that was what the experimental phase was for. But his first had to be a man.

So, Hux made a list in his planner. A detailed list with names and descriptions.

The list was revised over and over again, as the candidates' relationship status and/or sexual orientation took them off the list.

In the midst of revising, Hux encountered an unforeseen problem.

He had no idea what his type was.

Hux found a bench, on a busy part of campus and quietly considered the people walking by. What did he like? What physical traits spoke to him?

Hux made a new list

- They had to take care of their appearance.

- And dress well.

- Have nice hair.

- Tall?

It was a waste of a lovely afternoon and Hux wasn't any closer to a conclusion.

Hux continued his research in his dorm. He perused instagram and various websites, trying to get a feel for what kind of man made his heart race. Of course, it wasn't a necessity. The candidate didn't have to make him feel anything other than arousal.

But since Hux didn't date in high school (he was much too busy with his extracurriculars to even entertain the thought (and no one ever asked him)), he might as well figure it out. No time like the present.

While waiting for class to begin, Hux was rewriting his list af attractive traits (with colored pens). He had decided he had a fairly firm grasp on what type of man he was looking for now.

Until his professor made an announcement.

"Class! I would like to introduce a grad student of mine. Kylo, stand up, please? Kylo will be teaching this class next semester, so he will be here and observe how it's done, for the remainder of the semester."

Oh no.

It was The One.

An absolute mammoth of a man, dressed in jeans and a hoodie. He looked nothing like the men on Hux's list. He didn't possess any of the traits on the attractive traits list either.

But Hux knew.

He had to have him.

New plan. Hux needed a new plan. Seduction was out of the question. Seduction was for relationships. Also, Hux had no idea how to do that. He would just. Introduce himself. Proposition the man. Like an adult. Maybe explain why?

No. No, that was a bad idea. Explaining it would imply no one else was interested in Hux. (They weren't, but Kylo didn't need to know that.) He should revise his planner, set aside time to come up with a plan of attack.

Hux came to the painful realization that he should have paid more attention to his peers; engaged in social activities more often. If it had been one of his father's associates, Hux would have known exactly how to make his proposition. But Kylo was a peer.

Luckily for Hux, the answer to his metaphorical prayers came all on its own.

Right as Hux arrived for class, Kylo left a stack of flyers on their professor's desk. Curious, Hux skimmed the text. A free ("trans inclusive!") sex ed seminar, hosted by the art department.

"It's super chill."

Hux startled and turned, his wide eyes meeting Kylo's. "Pardon?"

"The seminar. We do it once a semester."

"We? You speak at this thing?"

"Yeah," Kylo smiled kindly.

"It's important. To me."

"I'll be there!" Hux's mouth said, without any input from his brain.

Kylo smiled and watched while Hux shoved the flyer into his bag, and stumbled his way up the stairs to his seat. He couldn't see Kylo from way up there, but it was better that way. For his grade's sake.

Hux was under the impression that he had been very thorough, while conducting his research in preperation for college. The sexual relations part.

Hux was wrong.

Terribly, terribly wrong.

Kylo was one of three speakers, at the seminar. Thank God, Kylo was gonna be the one to guide him through his first time. Hux would be in good hands.

Hands the size of shovels.

It was entirely possible Hux missed some vital points while distracted by said hands.

After a series of very comprehensive presentations, the attendees were encouraged to mingle and ask any questions that they did not feel comfortable asking infront of the whole room. Hux waited patiently for the crowd to thin out. Rejection was a very real possibility.

He felt overdressed, even though he'd swapped his usual button up with a nice polo shirt. Kylo was wearing a hoodie and jeans ensemble again, sporting a cluster of pins in various different rainbow configurations. Hux knew they represented LGBT identities, but he wasn't well versed in LGBT affairs.

Kylo took notice of Hux waiting around for him and waved him closer. "I don't think we were formally introduced. I'm Kylo Ren."

"Armitage Hux. Please, call me Hux."

Kylo smiled kindly as his hand engulfed Hux's.

Hux took a deep breath and ignored the way Kylo's warm hand against his skin, made his heart race. "I have some questions."

"That's what I'm here for," Kylo smiled. "Go ahead."

"Are you attracted to men?"

Kylo was visibly thrown by the question, crossing his arms across his chest. "Yes?"

"Are you in a relationship?"

Kylo frowned. "Those are not the kind of questions I was referring to. But no, I'm not."

Hux nodded.

This was it.

"I have not yet made my sexual debut. I would like to do so, and I have been looking for the right partner. I believe that you would be a good choice." He cleared his throat, "I would like for you to be the first person I have sex with."

Kylo gaped at him. "What the actual fuck, Hux."

"Did I not make myself clear?" Hux frowned.

Kylo grunted and put his hands on his hips. He looked away. Then back at Hux. Then away again.

"You–You've been here for two hours, listening to us, and this is what you decide to do?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I knew I was going to ask before I got here."

Kylo made a choking sound and took a few steps backwards. "Did you not hear any of the presentations?"

Hux couldn't figure out if he was being rejected or not. "Of course I did. You said everyone have sex differently. This is how I do it."

"You're not having sex! You don't know that yet!" Kylo said, on the edge of hysteria. "Are you– Are you okay? Did something happen? Do you need help?" Kylo asked, moving back into Hux's personal space. "I sure as hell need help," he added, under his breath. "I don't think I'm qualified for this."

Hux crossed his arms and huffed. "If you don't want to, you can just say no. There's no need to be rude."

Kylo took a deep breath and rubbed his hands down his face. "Ok, I need you to walk me through your thought process here."

Hux looked at him for a moment. Kylo was awfully pretty up close.

"Well. I haven't had sex before, and there's only so much you can learn through research alone, so I believe having an experienced partner is the way to go. You're older than I am and you're very attractive, so I'm assuming you have experience. And I'm attracted to you."

Kylo blinked. "I– I have no idea how to reply to that."

"Are you rejecting me?"

"I have no idea what I'm doing."

Hux couldn't help but pout a little. If Kylo wasn't experienced, maybe he should take another look at his list of candidates. "But you have had sex, yes?"

"Yeah, but," Kylo closed his eyes. "Why did I answer that. No, ok, listen. Sex is– it's organic, ok? You can't just plan it like that. You can't put it in a spreadsheet and go this is what I'm gonna do. You can't do that, Hux. Especially not when you have zero experience."

Hux felt a little self conscious and put his hands in his pockets, averting his eyes. "I didn't put it in a spreadsheet. And why can't I plan it? I plan everything else. I like planning!"

Kylo's demeanor shifted minutely. He looked around the room, before moving closer to Hux.  

"Listen, I– I'm not mad, ok? But I think you need to talk to someone about this, and I'm not sure I'm the right person for you to talk to."

Hux bit his lip. He didn't have anyone to talk to. He had a dormmate, but he'd rather die a virgin than talk to him about this.

"Why can't I talk to you?"

"If you have feelings for me, you might not be honest and just try to please me. It would be a waste of time."

Hux furrowed his brows. "I said I found you attractive, I didn't say I have feelings for you."

Kylo went bright red, all the way up to the tips of his ears. "O-oh."

One of the volunteers called out for Kylo. The last of the attendees were being shuffled out of the room, while the volunteers were cleaning up.

Kylo looked at Hux, at a loss for words.

Hux had truly lost control of the situation. The night had not gone to plan at all. He had to regain control. "Tuesday."

"What?"

"Tuesday. After class. Are you busy?"

Kylo shook his head. "I usually just go over the notes from class and nap."

"Let's meet after, then. You can explain to me why you think this is the wrong way for me to go about having sex - in depth - and I'll explain why you're wrong," he smiled.

"I'm not," Kylo replied, firmly.

"But you will meet with me?"

Kylo sighed. "Yes."

Tuesday, sitting in a secluded corner of the library, Hux was staring at Kylo. "I'm serious, Hux. Not everyone starts having sex in college."

Hux nodded. "Some do it in high school."

"And some do it after college, or they wait till they're married."

"Right. Religious people."

"And people who aren't ready. Some people don't have sex at all, and that's ok too."

Hux wrinkled his nose. "Why wouldn't you want to have sex?"

Kylo thumped his head against the wall behind him. "You were at the sex ed lecture for two hours, Hux."

Hux nodded again. "Yes, and I was listening, but that doesn't mean what you said made sense."

Kylo sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his hair (his luscious, bouncy, divine looking hair). "Alright. Tell me what you want your first time to be like."

"What do you mean?"

"What are you picturing when you think about it? Rose petals? Candles? Back of a car?"

Hux opened his mouth to reply, but.

He didn't have an answer.

He only ever pictured what came after.

Kylo looked at him softly. "Don't you want it to be nice?"

"I– I don't know."

Kylo scooted closer and put his hand on Hux's shoulder. "Your first time should be with someone you trust, someone who makes you feel safe. You're sharing your body with someone else. That's a big deal, even when you trust them. Have you done anything with anyone before?"

Hux looked at his hands. "I wasn't allowed to date, when I lived at home. Not that anyone asked me, but. No. I haven't done anything."

"Don't you wanna do that first, then? Have a first date, a first kiss?"

Hux felt his throat tighten up. He hastily turned his head, not wanting Kylo to see.

"There's no deadline on these things, Hux. Don't rush into it just because you think you should."

Hux swallowed thickly. He should've paid attention earlier – were they truly alone?

"What if," he had to clear his throat to get the words out. "What if no one wants me?" He glanced at Kylo.

Kylo didn't want him - why would anyone else? If he could get really good at sex, maybe someone would be willing to overlook how boring he was.

"Can I see the list?"

Hux rubbed his eyes. "What list?"

"What did you call it? The candidate list?"

"Oh."

Hux retrieved his planner from his satchel and handed it over. Kylo eyed him at the size of the planner, but didn't comment.

Hux found the tab that corresponded with the list and opened the planner to the correct page. The soft cover of the planner made it impossible for Kylo to hold it in his hands, so he balanced it on his thighs. Kylo read the list and made a soft sound. "So, why these people?"

"They're hot?"

Kylo looked unimpressed. Hux curled in on himself and muttered, "They look kind. And experienced. And confident."

Kylo hummed. "I'm not on here."

"I wasn't gonna ask everyone. I was gonna narrow it down until there was only one left. Then I saw you, and the list became redundant."

Kylo sighed softly. "I'm not sure I'm the right person for this, Hux."

Kylo may very well be right, but Hux didn't want him to be. "You haven't said no yet."

"I know."

Hux looked on in horror as Kylo turned to the next page in Hux's planner. Two of the pages were stuck together with a misplaced sticky tab, meaning Kylo skipped the page with the attractive traits list entirely, and ended up on the list of sex acts Hux had planned for his experimental phase.

Kylo audibly swallowed. The page was titled quite descriptively. There was no way to explain it away.

"I feel like I should point out I didn't tell you to turn the page. In my private planner."

Kylo closed the planner and laced his fingers on top of it. "I might be overstepping here, but I don't think you should do this. Any of it."

Hux didn't know how to respond. He looked at Kylo, brows furrowed.

"I think you're looking for something, but I don't think this is it."

Hux rose to his feet and took the planner from Kylo's lap. "You're wrong," he said, with finality. He jammed the planner into his bag and stormed out of the library.

Looking for something? What on Earth would he be looking for? He just wanted to have sex! Everyone else was having sex, but Kylo wasn't telling them to stop. And he still hadn't outright rejected Hux's proposition - what was Hux supposed to think! Honestly, Kylo was being very rude and if he hadn't been so good looking, Hux would've retracted his offer long ago.

Hux just wanted to touch someone and be touched in return! Was that really too much to ask for? He was constantly surrounded by people, strangers, who were having the time of their life! Laughing and talking and kissing and making plans – was it wrong to want that too?

Sure, his studies kept him busy, but he still had free time. Was it really so bad to want to spend that time with someone? It didn't even have to be se–

Oh no.

Hux spent the whole class on Tuesday, glaring daggers at the back of Kylo's head. The bastard was right. Hux had been stewing in his own misery for an entire week, being forced to realize how terribly lonely he truly was.

He needed an answer. A final answer, so he could move on.

Hux had been talking himself up for days, in preparation for the confrontation; but when it finally came down to it, he couldn't do it. Kylo looked just as uncertain as Hux felt.

Kylo was smiling softly, but he did not look happy. "Hux," he said, gently. "Hey."

Instead of demanding an answer, what came out of his mouth was, "Are you busy this weekend?"

Kylo shook his head. "No, why?"

"Would you like to go to the cinema with me?" At the look of surprise on Kylo's face, Hux hastily added, "There's a film I'd like to see, but, I don't want to go alone."

Kylo was fumbling with his belongings, trying to pack his bag without taking his eyes off of Hux for too long; as if he was a flight risk. "Wouldn't you rather go with someone you know?"

Just tell him, Hux thought.

"I don't know anyone else."

Surprisingly, Kylo freely offered his phone number. Hux didn't end up needing it, as Kylo showed up on time, exactly when and where they'd agreed. Hux braced himself for having his taste in films ridiculed as they paid for their tickets, but Kylo didn't as much as blink.

The fact that Kylo wasn't opposed to political thrillers, only made him more attractive in Hux's eyes. They hadn't discussed whether this little outing was, in fact, a date. In Hux's mind it was. A date wasn't inherently a romantic endeavour, or so Hux thought to himself.

The theatre wasn't very full. Hux and Kylo were rather secluded, in their corner of the room. They had laughed earlier, when they discovered they both preferred chocolates and sweets over popcorn. Kylo kept offering his bag of M&Ms during the course of the film. Hux didn't remember the last time he'd been to the cinema. Or anywhere for fun, really.

He kept glancing at Kylo. When the M&Ms where gone, Kylo put the empty packet in his pocket, and put his hands on his thighs. Hux couldn't take his eyes off of them. His fingers were long and pale in the light from the projector, bright against the black of his jeans.

Before he did it, Hux knew it was a silly thing to do. Especially considering everything they'd talked about. He gently put his own, smaller hand on top of Kylo's. Hux studiously kept his eyes on the screen, even though he could feel Kylo's eyes on his face.

He couldn't help but hold his breath until Kylo reacted. He was expecting Kylo to pull his hand away, or maybe get up and leave. But he didn't.

Kylo turned his palm and laced their fingers. His hand felt even bigger than when they'd shaken hands. Hux marveled at how much thicker Kylo's fingers felt, in between his own. He knew his hands were on the delicate side of the spectrum, but he almost felt dainty in comparison.

Once Hux was confident Kylo wasn't going to pull away, he gently tugged their joined hands into his own lap. Kylo looked alarmed for a moment, arm tensing, effectively halting the move.

Kylo looked sheepish when he realized Hux wasn't putting his hand on his dick. Hux just wanted to hold Kylo's hand in both of his own.

Kylo let his arm go slack and Hux made a soft pleased sound. Using two hands was much better. The film couldn't hold his attention anymore.

Hux played with Kylo's fingers while trying to figure out how to phrase his next proposal. Sex wasn't on the table – but maybe something else was? Hux looked at Kylo in the dark. His hair looked soft and bouncy. So did his lips. No, plump was a better word.

If Kylo wouldn't be his first sexual experience, maybe he'd be Hux's first something else. (Hux had already decided that they were on a date, which made Kylo his first date ever. But he wasn't gonna tell him that.)

Kylo licked his lips, practically making the decision for him.

"Kylo?"

"Mm?"

Hux leaned over the armrest and spoke quietly. "You can say no–"

"Not this again, Hux," he sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"No, no, I'm not asking for sex."

"Well, thank God."

"I want you to be my first kiss."

Kylo look a little stunned. "What?"

"Hear me out," Hux went on and gave his hand a little squeeze. "I just wanna know what it feels like. I'm not asking for anything else. If you don't want to see me ever again, after today, I respect that and I won't approach you again. But you have to answer. Yes or no?"

Kylo considered him for a drawn out moment. "Just a kiss?"

Hux nodded in affirmation.

"Just one?"

"I promise."

Kylo looked around them. The closest people were five rows away. He looked back at Hux and nodded once. "One kiss."

"One kiss," Hux repeated, heart racing.

His palms were getting sweaty. It was a relief when Kylo let go of his hand; right up until his cupped Hux's face. All the blood in his body rushed to his cheeks. There was no way Kylo couldn't feel the heat of the blood against his palms.

Hux wished his night vision was better. He couldn't make out the details of Kylo's face very well.

Kylo took his sweet time, just sitting there, holding Hux's face. It was unnerving, but Hux didn't dare move, let alone say anything. He was on the cusp of actually getting what he wanted, for once. If he ruined it, he would never be able to forgive himself.

Kylo sat up, leaning halfway out of his seat, in a move that couldn't be comfortable – but he was moving in. He tilted his head slightly, nose fitting perfectly beside Hux's, the tip of it pressing into his cheek. Their lips met and Hux forgot to breathe. Kylo's lips were soft and warm against his. He didn't notice his eyes closing.

Kylo let it last far longer than Hux thought he would.

The air rushed from his lungs when Kylo pulled back. Without thinking, Hux cupped the back of Kylo's head and pulled him into another kiss. Kylo laughed into the kiss, lips parted. Hux felt clumsy when he moved his lips, but it didn't deter him.

Kylo was smiling against his lips, trying to follow what Hux was doing. Hux was contemplating how to get his tongue in Kylo's mouth, when Kylo gently pushed him back with a hand on his chest. Hux blinked sluggishly, lips still pursed.

"I agreed to one," Kylo laughed.

Hux winced. "I know, I'm sorry."

Kylo leaned back in his seat, smiling. "Did you like it?"

Hux covered his mouth, looking anywhere but Kylo. "I did." He tried his best to suppress the giggles that were trying to force their way out.

Kylo pulled the hand away from his face and laced their fingers again, resting their hands on the armrest between them. His thumb moved across Hux's knuckles, back and forth. They tried to pick the movie back up, but they were too busy sneaking glances at each other.

When they left the theatre, it felt like ten years had come and gone. The night air felt crisp against Hux's heated skin. Kylo was still holding his hand, which he persisted doing while he walked Hux home, which he had insisted on doing, like a gentleman.

Standing on the steps outside his dorm, Hux asked, "Would you like to come up?"

"I don't put out on the first date," Kylo smirked.

Hux blushed – it was a date!

"Are you sure I can't convince you?" Hux joked, even if it fell a little flat.

"Positive."

Feeling oddly hopeful, Hux added, "So, how many dates do I need to take you on?"

Kylo barked out a laugh. "You're such a little shit," he grinned and advanced on Hux. He crowded Hux against the door and kissed him again.

Hux happily parted his lips, and made a soft sound of surprise, when Kylo nipped at his tongue. Again, it ended much too soon for Hux's liking, but he held his tongue.

Kylo walked backwards for a few paces, getting ready to leave. "You busy next weekend?"

Hux's heart soared.

Kylo did end up being responsible for Hux's sexual debut, but it didn't happen till a year later. Hux was absolutely terrible. Luckily, Kylo was very fond of his boyfriend and insisted practice makes perfect.

And it did.

Eventually.

~ FIN

#kylux #wrote this on twitter #modern setting #first times #college au #awkward hux is awkward #also available on my ao3