#and i would be fucking terrified i'm 30 and i still don't know what the fuck is going on i don't know how i am still alive so i get it.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 4/30/2024

most annoying book i've read so far this year under the jump

listening

a lovely polyrhythmic instrumental piece with previously-featured tuesdaysong artist, terrifying master of the cello, abel selaocoe. this is very textured and kind of scrubs at the inside of my skull in a pleasing way. like the kind of back scrubber you can buy with a bamboo handle and the long soft bristles. popped up on my recent releases playlist from spotify.

-

reading

really fucking pissed about this book and i am not able to be reasonable about it. i was really thrown, much like the fantasy prince's mother from her carriage as she was being chased by regency gossip reporters, that this was a prince harry/meghan markle RPF AU. i am a bit uncomfy about the fact that our female lead, the fantasy AU meghan markle, is some flavor of fantasy Gaelic instead of fantasy mixed-race. now, i have no particular moral or physical beef with RPF but i don't typically seek it out. but/also/and, much like works about marilyn monroe, i think works with the specter of princess diana are in poor taste. can we leave these women alone maybe

i got about halfway through the book before this revelation and didn't really feel like it succeeded at much of anything it was trying to do. oddly informal and choppy, like it was originally intended as a contemporary romance with some urban magic and changed to regency in a late draft. this is combined with some fairly weak prose: more simple sentence structure than i would expect in a book for young adults, far too many proper nouns, and a lack of interest in showing not telling.

i straight up don't understand why the leads are attracted to each other if she keeps making very public mistakes and he's a rude cunt. i have read other books (most recently the t kingfisher books) where someone grows to love a very gruff or taciturn man, but it takes time and mutual trust and an effort on both sides, none of which happen here. the core conflict is duty to family in all its various forms vs the heart wants what the heart wants. the conflict is not much of a conflict, though, because characters come to realizations within three sentences of confronting them and then vocalize them with therapyspeak. someone literally pats someone else's hand and goes, "It's hard, I know." the author mercifully did not describe the sad little pursed sympathy mouth but i'm sure it was there.

i'm also deeply annoyed with how this author chose to go about characterization. while the character concepts are people i would love to meet in a ttrpg, it feels very concerned about Good Representation and it makes everyone feel very wooden. i think when you put together characters from a list of various oppressions and disabilities it starts feeling like a grownup version of a children’s ensemble show meant to sell little blind box figurines. here is the Chronically Ill one, and her color is pink! here is the Addicted one, and his color is green! here is the Goth and Depressed one, and her color is black with some bones! here is the Gay one who was once badly hurt by the Addicted one, and we don’t care enough about him to give him a color! here is the superficially fantasy-Jewish one, and we don’t care enough about her to give her a color or an action figure either!

while normally i would love to read a book with two! TWO! canonically bisexual leads of different genders! this book is written for the "folx" spectrum of gays instead of the "fags" part of the spectrum and it strays very close to a modern morality tale for me.

this popped up on a list of books with bi leads i think, but if it was here or on libby i cannot remember.

anyway! fucking hated this one.

pleasantly surprised these came in back to back off my holds lists, bc they are about the perfumer Grace and Grace's former landlord, the spy Marguerite. my favorite of these Saint of Steel series is still the one with the werebear nun. i have nothing to complain about these books and not much to say about them either. they were such a delightful and competent change of pace after the annoyance of the previously discussed book.

oh i loved these. oh i LOOOOOOVED these. how the fuck does novik do it. she is so good at capturing the very specific feel of a grandpa military historical novel. except with dragons. i love these in the same way i know i will love the patrick o'brien books if i ever get around to reading them. i was a navy brat and unfortunately this is fucking catnip to me. truly i have inherited all my father's tastes

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watching

largely fallow week. i don't have anything particularly great to say about The Bad Batch, but when have i ever. have not caught up with dunmeishi bc my siblings have once again inadvertently locked me out of the netflix account i pay for. considering a vpn for many reasons but watching netflix and watching porn (the state of texas does not want me or anyone else to watch porn within her borders) are the two big reasons for. idk. cashing out the paltry cash-back credit card rewards and coughing them up for a vpn. vpn opinions welcomed, i know most of them are straight garbage

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playing

i straight up ran out of money in genshin, which is pretty hard to do since they're pretty generous with it? i have spent several million in-game currency on leveling up neuvilette (i am so so so happy to not have to collect any fucking starfish mats for him anymore [mats are different materials you have to collect or buy in-game in order to level up a character. very grindy most of the time]). anyway i am now scrabbling around for the last couple chests and puzzles i marked on my map in fontaine. i haven't bothered with grinding for his specific boosting artifacts or leveling up his talents all the way yet but this is really not shabby. i have the bad habit of completely levelling up all my 5-stars and then ignoring them until i need them for a specific fight or a specific level of the monthly..battle royale puzzle? i don't really know how to describe the abyss. anyway when i do eventually need his pretty intense water AOE attacks i will frantically grind for his talent mats. right now we're grinding for other things thanks

this latest update contains both the best and worst new areas so far. the underwater lost city of Remuria is a fuckin banger. gorgeous. incredible puzzles. very fun music-based quest line with new abilities and giant whale. however, im kind of disappointed by the new coastline area in the map: there is pretty much nothing there. almost no interactable plants to harvest, very few enemies, almost no chests. i get that they are focusing their time and attention on the new underwater area everyone will be focusing on (killer, btw, super dense and great use of vertical space). very lore-heavy expansion, sort of what if atlantis was a bit roman-inspired and also. hold on. wait a second.

sorry this has just occurred to me at 10:21 PM on Monday night as im drafting this but oh my god are the fucking fontanians the Sea Peoples of the bronze age collapse. this is hysterically funny lore if true. im going to have to go back and reread a lot of the environmental storytelling notes but oh my GOD that's extremely funny if true. genshin has some of the most batshit lore of any game ive ever played and im so sad that so few game journos are focusing on it.

where was i. leveling up characters in legally-not-france who may or may not be descendants of the sea peoples. i often find myself leveling up characters in genshin not based on how useful they are to the party but by how fun the bosses i need to fight for their mats are? for example: neuvilette is a water-based AOE character with not a lot of on-field time. however this big electric seahorse, whose antlers i need to level him up, is really fun to fight and i can knock it out in about thirty seconds.

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making

my sister's birthday is tomorrow! my birthday package to her was kind of heavy on stupid little trinkets and art books and not very much like. homemade? so i cranked out a little sampler. it's framed i promise i simply forgot to take a picture of it framed. about 3"x3", slightly adapted from a piece in Julie Jackson's Subversive Cross Stitch. i do think the F and C turned out way better (or at least the backstitching stands out way more) but hey. sometimes you need to hastily stitch a gift with the limited colors you have on hand

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem

[sunnasweet]

Alice and The Android

This is my first time using this account after perusing through the monster-fucker tag, this story is...tentatively a monster-fucker story?? maybe? I don't know where androids fall on the spectrum and this guy's pretty human except with a couple quirks so...?

Anyway, I wrote this in one sitting after I discovered Literotica existed and I wanted to submit a story there so...there's sex. duh. But I'm a Tumblr girl at heart so why not post it here too.

This is dedicated to Lana del Rey because I was listening to Dealer on loop all day writing this.

the tentative 64-character summary that I was allowed : Virgin Alice pays a philosophizing android escort to fuck her.

9.9k words (about 6k words before you hit the porn), heavy on consent, android x female reader, edited? i ran this through grammarly

Alice Walker had a secret, she was a 30-year-old virgin.

That's right, this woman, who wasn't even unattractive had never been filled before. Despite the many dates she went on that never went anywhere and her ever-filling contact comm list, she had never been intimate before.

Why? Great question. Alice was scared–terrified really. At first, it was something of a joke, 18, 19, 20, fine. But after that, it became something of an insecurity. The bridge between her age and experience grew further and further and before she knew it, she was officially in her 30s and certainly not dirty–or so the saying would suggest.

She was worse than a late bloomer. She had bloomed but instead of thriving she wilted. Her garden was empty. A dry, desolate place.

She hadn't even touched herself.

Whenever she thought about it she gave herself a twisted gut. She had considered maybe she was asexual but that wasn't true, she had gotten aroused before, very aroused. She just couldn't bring herself to do anything about it.

Any time things got hot and heavy with a boyfriend she felt so embarrassed about having to admit that she'd never done it before that she'd take the other route and say next time. Until next time became never. She lied now saying she was saving herself for marriage, an old ritual still practiced even in the galaxy. Alice was not religious.

Maybe there was some guilt involved in the act for her. Still, she had no reason for it. Quite the opposite. Like she said, she wasn't religious, her parents were very open and accepting, and she had no insecurities about her body.

Alice knew she was beautiful–or at least, evidence suggested she was. She was tall, lean with heavy breasts and a small pert ass, her nipples were raspberry pink and her face was nothing to shrug at either. She was cute rather than hot, if she had to describe herself and she dressed to emphasize that. Whenever she tried to wear something 'sexy' she looked like a kid playing dress up. In your 20s, that's fine, in your 30s? It was alarming.

She knew she wasn't old. She knew that she was not expiring, despite what her indoctrinated thoughts told her. Sure, she had the starting of some crow's feet and smile lines but she wasn't a child anymore. She was a 30-year-old woman.

A 30-year-old woman who had decided the moment she blew out the candle on her birthday cake–alone, that she would finally make her wish come true.

She was going to lose her virginity.

Alice unpuckered her lips and let the waft of smoke fill her nostrils as she stared around her dark kitchen. She shifted on the stool, her fingers tapping on the countertop. Then, her comm beeped, the screen glazing over her eyes as she got a confirmation notification that her appointment was in an hour. She blinked and she was back in her kitchen staring at her cake. She grabbed a knife and cut herself a slice.

"Happy birthday Alice," she murmurs to herself.

It's not that Alice had no friends. She was a very sociable girl. Maybe that was another reason why the fact she'd never had sex really got to her. She was a very well-adjusted woman. She worked, had a social life, and hung out in the Sector 17 lounges where rich Sector 20 men came to find high-priced escorts. She lived a very satisfying life.

She wanted for little, but what she did want, she couldn't get her mind off of.

She wanted sex and she didn't care if it wasn't special. But she wanted to make sure she picked the right person. Someone who would respect her and make sure she was properly prepared. The man didn't have to love her, but she needed to know that no matter what, at the bare minimum, she'd be treated with basic decency. She didn't like surprises. When she thought of situations she had never been in before her brain automatically went to the darkest scenario.

So no, she hadn't so much as let a man's hand under her panties.

Alice ate her cake slowly, after this, she'd take a shower and get ready for her appointment.

Sector 17 was the upper-class entertainment center. If you wanted something it was there. You just had to find it. So when Alice went looking for a solution to fix her dilemma she was presented with one.

Androids.

State-of-the-art, fully cognizant, customizable sex bots. Or escorts. Whatever.

In 4093, they were identical to humans. It was impossible to tell the difference. Some were servers, some were purchasable spouses, and some were sex bots. The only regulation on androids was that they couldn't run in any political circles but their own.

The way they were programmed, they were able to produce their own thoughts. Maybe they didn't feel anything, but they were real enough for Alice to feel comfortable. She also knew, that while they had some form of free will, their purpose of creation affected their desires and obviously a sex-bot was built to please. So she could say with utmost certainty that what she wanted was what would happen and that's what Alice needed. Certainty. No variables.

She wanted to mark this social achievement off the list.

So as a gift to herself for her birthday, she scheduled a full night appointment with one of the most expensive android escort services she knew of.

It was the price of a single-person emergency escape pod.

Alice saved all year for this and she knew it would be worth every credit.

The Den, which was the name of the business, was a one-of-a-kind business. They didn't just have sex bots. They let you customize your own. Appearance, voice, personality, everything. It was the exact kind of thing Alice salivated for.

Control.

Alice stood. She put her plate and fork in the sink and then quickly washed them. After that, she put her mini birthday cake in the fridge and headed for the bathroom.

She stared at herself in the mirror. Her round face made her still look youthful. Her small heart-shaped lips and doe-like eyes exacerbated the fact. She kept her beige-blonde hair long, it reached to her waist in loose ringlets. All things considered. She was generically attractive. Pretty but boring. There was nothing unique about the kind of beauty she had.

She stripped out of her loungewear and stepped into the shower where the water automatically came raining down on her in the warm temperature she preferred.

Exfoliate, shave, wash. It was ritualistic. She smelled almost too clean.

She had shaved practically every part of her below the neck. Her legs, her arms, the unruly strip of hair that went up to her bellybutton on her belly. The only part of her that wasn't bare was her pussy. She had only trimmed her vulva. Something about that hair made her feel sexy which was few and far between.

After that, she tied a tower around her hair and patted dry and slathered moisturizer and a hydrator on her skin. She painted both her fingernails and toenails a simple white. When she looked in the mirror this time she was smooth and shining.

Brush, blowdry, blowout. Her hair felt silky and smooth when she ran her fingers through it.

She wondered if all this effort mattered, if he was programmed to like her wasn't this all useless? She wasn't sure as she pulled out a lingerie set from her dresser.

White lace in a pretty floral pattern for the bra and thong. Her breasts were holstered but her nipples were easily visible through the fabric.

Whatever the answer to her question was didn't matter. For the first time, she felt hot.

She threw on a long trench coat on top of that. It would hide her exposed body and keep her protected from the artificial breeze that randomly emitted on the Omega Station.

Alice pressed the embedded button on the side of her head–her comm unit–and alerted The Den that she was on her way. Alice lived in Sector 13, so she'd have to take the elevator up 4 levels. It would be relatively quick as long as they weren't packed.

~

The elevators had been pretty sparse when Alice arrived. The inside dinged and the doors opened. Alice walked out, her heels click-clacking on the fake concrete tiles of the ground. She shivered as a breeze passed her by and kissed her inner thighs.

Sector 17 was set up like an earthen city. Of course, no one drove but there were still roads and streets. The lamps were lit and the only thing reminding you this was not a real city were the glass walls and ceiling that gave you a beautiful view of space.

It took 20 minutes for Alice to arrive at The Den. When she entered the doors, the first thing she recognized was the smell of spice invading her nose. It smelled…sensual. As did the music sound that quietly played in the background.

Alice kept her eyes down as she passed several men and women in the waiting room. She approached the receptionist at the desk with a slightly flushed face.

"Hello, how can I help you?" The woman asked.

Alice swallowed, and she smiled weakly. "I have an appointment? For..7:30?"

The receptionist nodded with a smile on her red-painted lips and her fingers deftly began to type on the holographic keyboard of her desk, her eyes flitting between her hands and the screen. Several moments later and she gently said 'Ah'

"Yep, I see you right here. Alice Walker, 7:30. You're right on time! That's good, you won't have to wait, we just need to do a quick check-up and then you're good to go."

"Check-up?" Alice asked nervously.

The receptionist nodded, "Mhm, you'll take a standard blood test to make sure you're free of disease and then we need to check you for any weapons." she looked Alice up and down, "It'll only take a minute. You look good to me." as Alice cursed in her head for not wearing actual clothes under the coat. She nodded and the receptionist went back to typing before acknowledging her once more. "Okay, so just head down the hall–" she pointed to the left– "and you can go inside room 10 where your blood test and security check will be done."

Alice quickly nodded and gave a quiet thank you as she nearly bumped into a man who was speed-walking down the hall also looking at the ground. Despite the luxury of this place, it didn't make the reality any different.

This was a brothel.

While she walked down the hall, Alice realized this place was either highly overrated or soundproofed. She couldn't hear a thing coming from the rooms she was passing.

That was good. Really good. Alice didn't want anyone listening in. This whole thing already had her nerves going. Her hands were slightly trembling and she was queasy.

When she reached the 10th door, which was at the end of the hall and not the beginning, she thought to knock but then remembered the presumed soundproofing and pulled the handle. She peeked through a slight crack in the door and saw a woman in a lab coat sitting in a chair next to a table.

Alice took a deep breath and then walked inside.

The woman–a doctor? Instantly smiled like the receptionist and stood.

"Hello Alice, I'm Dr. Sol," she says in a raspy murmur, she held her hand out for Alice to shake. Alice smiled shyly as she shook the woman's hand.

"Nice..nice to meet you."

"Of course." She says, then she lets go of her hand and turns back to the table.

While she did that Alice expected her room for the night. It was nice, really nice. There was a large queen-sized bed on one side of the room, with a reddish brown wood, matching the headboard were two side tables that had lit candles on them placed in clear glass holders.

The carpet under her feet looked plush and there was a second door in this room that she could safely assume was the bathroom.

"Okay, So I'm sure the receptionist told you but we'll just go over it again, today I'll be giving you a quick blood test and security check." The doctor snapped on a latex glove and Alice flinched.

"Can I ask…why is there a security check?" she asks.

The doctor nods, "Believe it or not, a lot of people try to steal our workers."

"Steal? As in kidnapped?

"Yes that's correct, so we've had to implement a security check to make sure no one is smuggling in any weapons, drugs, or outside tools." the doctor confirms and informs her.

Alice raises a brow, "Drugs?"

The doctor nods as she picks up a blood pricker that Alice recognizes from her tri-monthly check-ups with her own doctor. "That's right, drugs. The androids here are highly sophisticated. They are meant for not only this room but also the outside world when needed. Every android is designed with its own mechanical nervous system, brain panel, and circuitry. They are programmed to be unique."

"That's…amazing."

"Quite."

The doctor pricks Alice's finger then she watches it flood into the vial. The doc smiles and turns back around, she places the vial into a tubular device and faces Alice once again.

"Here comes the awkward part, I'm going to need you to undress for me. You can keep your underwear on though." Alice gulps.

She laughs nervously, "About that…" she says. Her shaky hands open her trench coat and she embarrassingly opens it to her lingerie, the doctor laughs.

"Oh!" she says, "Well that certainly makes things easier." she says, "Please remove your coat so I can do a full rotational check, and step out of your heels." Alice nods and follows the doctor's directions.

The doctor does a quick check over Alice's body, inspects her heels then smiles.

"You're all good Ms. Walker."

"Thank you…"

She turns back to the tubular device and hums, "No disease, that's exactly what I want to see." the doctor says, glancing over her shoulder with a smile. She grabs the machine, takes off her gloves then points to a bowl.

"While our Androids are highly specialized, they cannot procreate, however they do ejaculate. So, depending on your preference you can go bare or use a condom," she says, Alice nods wordlessly and the doc gives her a pat on the shoulder. "Alright then Alice, you're all good to go. Your android will be in shortly."

Alice sighs out in relief when the doctor leaves. She looks around the room once more, picks her coat off the ground, and drapes it on the chair. She peeks into the bathroom and spots a fluffy white bathrobe. "Score." She takes it off the hook and wraps it around herself then ties it.

With that, Alice sits on the bed nervously.

She fiddled with her hands on the bed, took some deep breaths then started pacing the room. When the android still didn't arrive, she moved her heels so they hadn't just been sloppily kicked off where someone could trip.

Alice's head snapped when she heard the door rattle slightly and her heart dropped to her gut.

The door slowly opened and revealed the exact man she had spent five hours customizing on her computer two weeks ago.

Tan, tall, broad. He had dark brown hair, so dark it looked black in this light, slicked and styled back but it seemingly looked effortless. His eyes were brown, he had a strong nose and an angular jaw. He was broad and big and suddenly Alice felt embarrassed.

Is this what she had really wanted for her first time? Was this her dream man?

Yes.

Yes, it was, and he was.

He smiled at her with straight white teeth and her eyes widened.

"Hi.." she breathed out, smiling back out of reflex. That seemed to make him smile wider. He was perfect, and not in a way that made him almost creepy. He looked human, his face wasn't completely symmetrical, one of his eyebrows was higher than the other and his eye was a bit thinner on top. She had asked for that. "I'm Alice…"

"I'm Ren." He introduced. It was the only thing she hadn't been able to customize–his name.

She looked at the floor for a moment, scraping her bare foot against the plush carpet and her eyes flitted back up when she heard the door close and lock.

He walked over to her and her eyes got wider than they were before. He crouched before her with that charming smile, crouched like he was about to propose. One leg bent, slumped slightly and an elbow resting on his knee.

"Don't worry." he said, low and smooth, "Everyone's nervous their first time."

Alice swallowed and nodded, "Thanks."

Abruptly he said, "You're beautiful" Alice blushed and smiled shyly.

"You have to say that."

"I still mean it." he said, then looked her up and down again, looking into her eyes, trailing down her neck then resting for a moment on her bare legs "And I have preferences like any person would." admitted the android and her heart started beating double time.

That couldn't be true. Could it?

"Okay.." she says awkwardly and he chuckled.

He reached for her hand and she let him touch her. This was familiar to her. She had been gently touched before, she had let people put their tongues in her mouth. This was okay. This was safe.

His thumb stroked the back of her hand and she shivered.

"Why don't we go sit on the bed?" he asks. She freezes and he laughs again, "To talk. We have all night for that." That. Sex. Intercourse. Fucking. However you wanted to put it, it was all Alice could think about when looking at this male–android? This artificial man.

"Okay…"

"Good."

He stood from his crouched position and helped her out of her seat, he looked her up and down for the third time, leading her to sit on the foot of the bed. Once sat she stared at him with an awed bewildered expression.

He didn't speak at first, content to just let her stare at him while he held and stroked her hand, soon moving to her wrist and then arm…

"Why don't you tell me about yourself Alice?" he encouraged.

She swallowed and nodded, "Well…I work as the assistant for a sector 19 CEO." she started because it was the most interesting thing about her. He nodded.

"Very impressive." he murmured, "I" 'm a SB009 model, which means I am one of the original androids made for The Den."

She took an indrawn breath, "Really?" she asked nervously and slightly relieved.

"Mhm.."

"So you're experienced."

"Quite."

"How experienced would you say?"

He chuckles, "You're pretty nosy." he teased and she flushed.

"Sorry.." she whispered.

Ren shrugged, "I've been working and living as an escort for 3 years, I work 4 days a week. You can do the math unless you would like me to…" he says, trailing off for the first time.

Alice did not need to do the math. If he was having sex at least once a day for 4 days every week…well, she could see why the blood test was necessary. Did he have to take a blood test? What a stupid question! He was a robot, he didn't have blood. Or maybe he does? His hand feels warm…

"Do you get tested?" she asked quizzically, he laughed, seemingly undisturbed by her question.

"I am…" he cleared his throat, "sterilized after every session."

Alice's eyes widened, "Oh." Did that mean he could just remove…? She cleared her throat and nodded. Neat.

He smiled, "Yes." His hand was still stroking the back of her hand and it made it extremely hard to focus on conversation when the most handsome man she had ever seen was sitting right in front of her, smiling and touching her.

"Tell me more about yourself, Alice. Something that's not work-related. What do you like to do with yourself?"

"Excuse me?"

"Your hobbies," he elaborated and she relaxed.

"Oh. Uhm…" Everything Alice did was boring. She shrugs, "I'm more of an R & R type of person…I like to relax…so I go to the spa a lot, or do yoga classes…" he perks at that.

"Yoga huh?" he says, a glimmer in his eye. Her brows furrowed and she nodded, "You're quite flexible then?" she gulped and nodded once again as he chuckled. "That's good. It's good to keep healthy."

"W-what do you do?" she asks, "You said you only work 4 days a week, does that mean you–"

"Have a life outside of The Den?" he finishes for her and she nods. "Yes, I do. There are few times when I need to sleep so I have a lot of free time." That interested her so she nodded again to signal he had her attention. "Well, let's see..how about I tell you how one of my days would normally go?"

"That sounds good."

"Well, I wake up, take a morning run..shower–"

"You can get wet?"

"Yes. I can be fully submerged in water."

"Can you..drown?"

He chuckles, "No. I cannot drown. I don't need air."

"That's amazing." She says slightly awed, "So..theoretically could you live your entire life underwater?" That gave him a pause but eventually, he shrugged.

"Theoretically, yes, but I imagine that would be very lonely."

"You get lonely?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

She frowns, "Yes but…" he smiles at her like they're in on the same secret.

He ignored her, "After my shower, I finally eat and no, it is not necessary to eat but I can eat and I have a digestive system that disintegrates anything I do eat. I have taste receptors. So while I don't need to, I want to." She wonders how many times he's had to explain this to a client.

Alice was not a scientist nor an engineer, she had no idea how a piece of technology could taste but she nodded anyway.

"Then, if I'm not working, we'll just say this is my day off, I will either go visit friends or do an activity." Friends..he had friends. "After that, I will come home," Where was his home? Did he live in The Den? "And I will usually read or watch something before going to bed."

Ren's life sounded simple. Simple but nice.

"That sounds…very peaceful," she says.

He nods, "Yes."

"Do you live here?" she asks.

He shakes his head, "No. I have a regular apartment unit. I am paid credits for my time here at The Den." Alice's eyes widened at that. He lived like a person. He looked like a person. He acted like a person. Doesn't that make him one? Or is this just an extraordinarily sophisticated list of code? Maybe he was lying. Maybe this was the backstory they created him with. She hadn't gotten to customize his backstory…

"That's all very interesting." she says, "You have friends? Are they androids like you?"

"Most of them, yes. I have very few human friends."

"Why is that?"

He smiled but she couldn't understand what was so amusing.

Finally, he shrugged, "It is just how things have turned out."

"Do you enjoy your job?"

"I…" he paused, "do you?" he asked.

She shrugged as well. "It's work. It pays for the bills." Ren nodded.

"That is what I think as well."

That made Alice's stomach twist. So he would just tolerate tonight? The way Alice understood how androids work was that they had a natural favor for their purpose but now this android was personally telling her he did not enjoy his work but merely did it because it was what he was paid to do.

"Do you get treated well here?" she asked a little quieter.

"Very well," he says.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Tell me more." Alice wanted him to elaborate. She wanted to make sure this man wasn't being treated like some Sector 2 low-class gigolo.

"Well," he seemed to shift positions, then he looked at the bed. "Come lay down with me then I'll tell you." he bargained which shocked her. She didn't know he was allowed to do that. But I guess he didn't owe her anything from his personal life.

She nodded without hesitation, crawling further onto the bed and laying against the headboard. He did the same, one arm thrown over her shoulder and pulling him into her side which made her heart race, and the other doing that same circling motion he was doing on the back of her hand the whole time they spoke. She wanted to know more about an–this android's life.

"Let's see," he says, clicking his tongue. He raises a finger. "I get 60% of the profits The Den makes off my clients." Alice's eyes widened at that. "I'm allowed to reject clients if I don't feel comfortable or attracted to them."

"Attracted?" she asks, "How do you know you're attracted to something?" she asks. He was a robot. He couldn't feel at least, not in the way she could.

"How do you know?"

She thought about that, "I just know.."

"Precisely." he says, "I just know."

Her lips thinned and cheeks flushed as she had two realizations. The one that made her blush was that he specifically accepted her as his client because he was attracted to her.

"Keep going..what else."

"I get maintenance insurance." he then says and she laughs.

"You're kidding" he got health insurance for robots? It was both hilarious and sad that something like that existed.

She was beginning to get more and more comfortable with Ren as he spoke, telling her about all the benefits he received from working at The Den. She even found herself subtly cuddling into him as she listened to him. At some point, she even started to rest her head on his shoulder.

Alice only noticed that when his hand had started to play with her hair. She shivered. This was all very…intimate. She had expected something a lot more primitive. She guessed this was what her money was paying for.

He felt so real and from what he was telling her, (if he wasn't lying) by all means she would consider this artificial man a real one.

She understood now why the Android Protectant Program existed. They discussed android rights with both the human and alien commanders of Omega Station.

"Alice?"

She refocused on him, "Yes?"

He smiled, "Should we get started now that we know each other better?" Alice looks him in the eyes nervously.

"Maybe we can talk some more?" She asked.

He nodded, "We can do that." he murmured, he stroked her scalp, "We can just talk all night if that's what you want." Alice leaned into his touch, sighing softly.

She wanted to take him up on that offer and back out of her birthday goal.

"Today's my birthday.." she says loosely, moving further into his body.

He looked down at her, "Happy birthday Alice."

"Thank you, Ren."

He shifted, turning towards her further, his hand moved from her scalp to her cheek. Stroking it with his thumb and her eyes widened. "Tell me more."

"More?"

"About you.."

"Oh."

She swallowed, and shrugged, getting distracted by his touch. "I'm uhm, 30…single obviously, you already know I'm a PA. What else can I tell you?"

Ren laughed, "I'm sure you're more interesting than that."

Ouch.

"Not really.." she muttered.

"No?"

"No."

"You're single? How many boyfriends have you had?" he asked, trying to dig out more from her. "Who was your first love?"

Her brows rose, "My first love huh?" she paused, "Well, I've had about..5 boyfriends? All of them lasted longer than a year." Until they realized she wasn't going to put out. "As for my first love—" Alice had to think long and hard about that.

Her first love.

She didn't really have one?

If she had, she wouldn't be a virgin anymore, she would have found that one person who she could relax with and trust to take care of her and not make fun of her for her inexperience. She wouldn't be here at all.

"I don't think I've had one yet," she replied, soft and honest.

"Me neither." he sympathizes like he understands.

She didn't want to comment on the fact that of course, he had not had his first love yet. He was a robot. He might feel things like attraction and be capable of taste, but she did not think that meant he could love. She did not think a machine was capable of that. However, she didn't want to hurt his 'feelings.'

His thumb began to trace over her bottom lip and her eyes were falling heavy.

"What did you wish for on your birthday today Alice?" he asks.

Her eyes open back up, and she flushes. "I can't tell you."

"No?"

"No. It's bad luck." She lies. An old earth superstition.

He raises a brow, "Are you religious?"

"No."

He hummed, "But you believe in superstition?"

"Don't you?" she asks.

"No," he says almost automatically. "I do not believe in something that cannot be proved."

She laughed softly, "I forget you're just a piece of machinery." she said lightly, but she realized she'd offended him when his eyes narrowed and that wonderful stroking he'd been stopped.

His eyes slightly narrowed. They both went silent and it felt wrong and awkward. She had been getting along with him so well and she just ruined it.

"I-I mean…" she tried to backpedal but well, what she said is the truth. He was a machine. She looks into his…annoyed? Eyes but failed to come up with a better response before asking, "What do you consider yourself." she asks.

"I am not just a piece of technology," he said and she heard an undercurrent of irritation in his voice. "I am a highly competent, highly sophisticated, adaptable piece of tech." he explains, then takes a breath, "I can adapt just as quickly, if not quicker than a human which is what humans are known for no?"

"Uh…I guess?" She didn't know what humans were 'known' for to androids but to the intergalactic community, they were known as barbaric warmongers. But she didn't think that's what they were talking about here. "You can't feel it though, I think that's what makes humanoid species so special."

Air whistled between his perfect teeth and she knew she said the wrong thing.

"I feel," he says defensively. "I witness a situation and react"

"That's not what feeling is." she says lightly, "Feeling is…I don't know. Inherent. They can't be programmed in. You might be a good mimic but I don't think you feel emotion." She didn't know why she was debating with this android. Why she was pushing him further and further in the way as his…anger rose?

"I feel, I can tell you what I'm feeling now."

"What?" she asks softly. "What are you feeling?"

"Inhuman."

"You are inhuman."

"You know what I mean. You're making me feel like I'm not a person. That I am…just a tool." This seemed to weigh heavily on him and it was clear this was not just a one-off conversation but a hardcore belief of his.

"I…" she's at a loss for words. "I'm sorry." she tries. Cringing when she realizes how disingenuous that sounds. "I didn't mean to make you think that. I think you're a person in a way…" she murmurs.

He seemed to relax, "you do?"

"You have free will don't you? No one has to constantly reprogram their movements throughout the day. You can think and do things because of all the information that has been given to you…that's what people do."

"Yes." he agrees, seeming to get less stiff as she kept talking. "Yes." he repeated softly, "You understand."

"I think I do." she says, "But technically speaking, you are a machine," she says, trying to correct her previous statement. "You're made of wires and circuitry."

"And you're made of bone and marrow, but I don't see how that means anything." she sighs in response. He taps her cheek, "Explain it to me, tell me why you think that makes me less of a person."

"I didn't say that"

"No. But that's what you meant."

"I-" She's at a loss for words. Why did this matter? This isn't what they were here for. She didn't need to do whatever they were doing. "I don't have a good argument for you, I'm not an engineer," she murmurs

"And yet."

"Why do you care?" Can he even do that or was his technical procedure to be argumentative to keep her talking? They certainly weren't connecting…

Or were they?

"Wouldn't you care if some species told you that you weren't what you know you are." he asks then continues before letting her respond, "Wouldn't you want to prove them wrong, especially if you like this person."

Alice's eyes widen and she swallows.

He liked her.

Or so he says.

"You keep comparing yourself to me."

"We are alike," he says, stubbornly.

"Not in the way you think."

"You're wrong."

She sighs, "Maybe."

Wearing her down seemed to please this android immensely. He had gone back to absentmindedly stroke her skin. She was not winning this argument but she wasn't very sure if she cared about that before.

"You said you had few human friends," she says wearily. "Why is that?"

"I'm only friends with people who consider me a real person." Oh.

That was… really fucking sad.

"Do you consider me a friend? I think you're a real person."

He stares at her for a few seconds, his thumb returned to her bottom lip, this time tugging it down slightly. He could slip his thumb into her mouth if she parted her teeth ever so slightly.

"No. No, I don't," he spoke quietly.

Ouch.

She tried not to feel hurt by that. She was just his client after all. She nodded. She wanted to be hurt but he was so damn distracting.

"Do you still want to talk?" he murmured.

Did she?

"I want to tell you something first…" she says nervously.

That seemed to catch his interest, and he nodded. "Go on."

"I…so the reason I'm here–" she started. Rambling a bit about how it was her birthday and how she just turned 30 today she thought this would be a good solution to her problem–" I've never had sex before." she admitted quietly.

She expected this android to laugh at her, or look at her like she was undesirable but he didn't.

"You are?" he asked gently, "You came here so you could lose your virginity?"

"Yeah.."

"You mean, you came to me because you want me to deflower you?" she shivered at his words.

"Y-yes…"

There was a distinct hunger in his eyes that shocked her. She didn't feel ashamed, she felt wanted. This was not the reaction she had been expecting. Questions about why she waited so long? Yes. Indifference? Maybe. But not…Hunger.

He licked at his lips. "Have you kissed before?" he asked and she looked aghast.

"Of course!" she said and he laughed, "Of course I-I have…I've just never gone…well I've

never done anything that involved me taking my clothes off."

He seemed amused by that, "There's a lot you can do without taking your clothes off Alice." her brows crinkled.

"I've only kissed. I've made out with men. I've had a boyfriend, several like I told you."

"Uh huh." he nodded but his mind seemed to be somewhere else. "Alice…"

"Yes?"

"I've been waiting to see what you've got hidden under that damned robe for a full hour now…"

Her cheeks heated, and she squirmed. Her lace lingerie. She had forgotten all about it.

"Uhm…"

"Alice," he said, stroking her face, coaxing her. "Are you ready?"

"Maybe?"

"I need a yes Alice," he says seriously.

She could see that he meant it.

She nodded slightly dazed, "Yes Ren."

The man practically lunged for her. She yelped as he flung himself atop her, her eyes widened and she couldn't help but giggle when he placed her arms spread out like a starfish. He looked back into her eyes.

"Yes?"

She nodded. "Yes."

He opened the robe and sucked in a breath.

"Oh Alice," he said, his eyes slightly widened and lips parted. His hands hovered above her like he didn't know where to touch first. She bit her lip.

Waiting, wanting, needing. She needed him. She wanted him to just do whatever he was going to do because at this point just straddling her hips and staring enraptured by her breasts made her feel good. She needed him to keep touching her.

"I expected them to be small…" he murmured, taking a cupful of her tits with one hand, she breathed out in a whoosh. "This is better," he remarks.

His other hand slipped a finger under the strap of the white bralette and it snapped back against her shoulder. She let out another breath.

"This is nice. Pretty." He said, "Do you want me to take it off?" He asked on tenterhooks. His eyes flitted from her bralette to her face. Up and down, up and down, she could tell when he spotted her nipple in the almost see-through fabric because his eyes stayed there for a long time before he looked back to her face.

"Eventually."

"Thank god." he groaned and she curled her lip into a smile.

"I thought you said you weren't religious?"

"I'm not but maybe for you"

That made her fully smile. He was charming. She could give him that. Alice had to remind herself that this was not as real as she'd like it to be. That she paid him a hefty sum–60% of which would land right into his pocket–to be here, doing this.

He certainly didn't look like he was just tolerating her like she had previously worried.

His thumb with the hand cupping her breast circled her hardened nipple and she sighed in contentment. This was the second time she had let someone do this before. Her very last boyfriend before she swore them off.

His other thumb was tracing the band of her bralette.

He slipped his hand underneath the fabric, watching her face carefully as she did it.

"Yes?"

"Yes." she breathed out.

"Fuck." he murmured, squeezing her breast, she shivered and he circled her nipple. Skin to skin. His other hand went underneath the bralette and she moaned softly and he massaged her breasts, groping her.

"Take it off please," she asked softly.

He laughed bewildered, "Please? You're going to beg me?" he asked, "you don't have to beg me for anything Alice, I should be begging you."

She had no clue how to respond to that.

He was really very good with his words. He made this experience feel a lot more intimate than it probably was. It made her…trust him. Other than the fact he was a professional. He was also giving her a lot of control with him asking if what he did was okay. She liked that. It made her feel safe.

The white lace bralette didn't have a clip so he pulled it over her head and tossed it to the side.

He stared at her bare breasts for a long while and she felt embarrassed about how they pointed in opposite directions from her chest. She moved to cover them but he shook his head.

"Don't do that." he said, then backtracked, "No, actually do it. Touch your tits for me Alice." her eyes widened and her stomach curled. In a good way for the first time.

"How should I…?"

"Whatever feels good," he said, already moving his hands to touch other parts of her body now that she had agreed to take care of her breasts.

He watched her avidly, his eyes flicking between her breasts and face, it seemed he couldn't make up his mind on which he wanted to see. Alice sighed and started to gently stroke her nails over her right breast.

Alice didn't have too much sensitivity in her breasts but doing it in front of someone made it far more exciting for her. She liked Ren's rapt gaze. She gave her breasts a squeeze on both sides then mimicked the way he had circled her nipple. Touching the sides then rubbing the tips.

"Mhm.." he nodded, "Like that." he encouraged and she swallowed.

While she did that, he began to run his hands all over her. He ran a hand down the valley between her breasts, then her ribcage and her soft belly last. It made her feel ticklish, she squirmed a bit but he didn't seem to mind.

As she circled her nipples he stroked her thighs and instinctually she let them fall open. His eyes snapped up to hers and he hooked his thumbs into the waistband of her thong that he hadn't even gotten the chance to appreciate.

"Yes," she said a bit breathless before he inevitably asked himself.

He nodded eagerly and began pulling them down. She lifted her hips and then bent her knees when they got stuck because she was lying down. He slipped them off one ankle, then the neck, and tossed it wherever her bra had ended up. She was completely naked now.

"Beautiful," he murmurs.

"You..you have to say that," she said, slightly panting out of arousal. She was getting turned on by just his long drawn-out looks. He shook his head.

"I don't." he says, "I could say nothing and skip straight to eating your pussy." he says. Her eyes widened.

"Huh?"

"I do that sometimes. When I'm strapped for credits and need to take on an extra client or two who isn't my type."

"Ren…" she said, breathy. "Don't say that, it's rude."

"Sorry." he looked up at her, "But you are beautiful."

She nodded slightly, "Thank you."

"Mhm.." he hummed, then spread her thighs apart, "Sweet too, you're sweet." he says, "My sweet girl.." the words come out in a gentle purr and his eyes widened when he watched a clear bead of slick drip down her pussy to her ass.

That seemed to set him off, he lifted her hips off the bed and laid her legs over his shoulders.

"You're still dressed!" She said a little panicked. She was nervous.

He grinned up at her, "after." is all he said before burying his face into her cunt.

She gasped and her hands bunched into the sheets, she lifted her hips further to get closer to his already intruding tongue.

"Ren!"

"Mmm…." he sucked and laved, his wide tongue starting with long strips up her seam then getting nose deep into her. His tongue prodded at her entrance and she squirmed.

"Oh..!" she whined. "Wait…!" she was distressed, she felt…weird.

He lifted his head and she whimpered at the bottom half of his face. His skin was shiny.

"What?" he asked like he had been disturbed by something very important.

"I…I don't know," she whispered.

His face softened, "Too fast?" he asked, seeming to calm. She wanted to say yes but she shook her head no. She wanted to feel that again. To try again.

"I'm ready now," she murmurs.

"Yes?"

"Yes." she breathes out.

He dipped his face back between her legs and she shot up this time. Balancing herself on her elbows as he sucked on her clit instead of just brushing over it with his tongue.

She was moaning now, it was undeniable, the keening noises coming straight from her mouth. It made her a little embarrassed. She thought she sounded obnoxious but he seemed not to mind it and used it as a measure of when he could push her further.

One hand was placed on her mound, pulling the skin upwards so he had more access to her clit. It made her hiss. Too much! She didn't stop him though, she squeezed her eyes closed. His other hand slid inside her thigh and then towards her cleft.

He inserted the very tip of his finger into her and she felt the slightest stretch. There was no discomfort, she was too wet for that. His eyes met hers as he slowly slipped the finger in, in one go. Her mouth dropped into an 'o' shape and she was starting to breathe heavily.

His finger was knuckled deep inside her and then he was pulling it out, before he could fully remove himself, he slid forward again. Alice made a terrible sound, something that didn't sound sexy but was primal.

Ren seemed to like that so he did the same thing, again, and again. He sucked her clit and fingered her like an expert–because he was.

Her eyes went closed again and she just let herself feel and hear the wet sensations and sounds.

It sounded downright perverse with the occasional moan and groan coming from the man between her legs. She couldn't bear to look. It was too arousing and embarrassing. But it was finally happening. Alice was going to lose her virginity tonight.

A man–artificial man, was eating her pussy and soon, he'd fuck it.

She could feel something building within her. A heat and pressure that was driving her insane. She wasn't quite sure if she was supposed to be doing something but she could do little more than buck herself against Ren's face and pull at his hair in an attempt to get him closer. If that was even possible.

The feeling was startling and amazing, she whined out Ren's name. Calling for him and her stomach was starting to tighten as her legs locked.

"Oh–!" she gasped as he retracted his face from her thighs.

She looked at him bewildered, they stared at each other for a moment and she had been stunned into silence. She was breathing heavily while he looked at her with a smug grin.

He let her legs fall from his shoulders and backed up just enough to let her watch him remove his shirt. He stood up and unbuckled his jeans next but all she could pay attention to was his muscled torso.

He wasn't lean and lithe–no, she hadn't asked for that. He was broad and bulky, there were defining lines that clued her into his physique but his stomach was a little softer. His arms flexed and bulged. She bit her lip, she couldn't wait until he was on top of her.

He grinned down at her, "I won't ask if you like what you see, because I know you do."

Ren was right.

Alice had completely customized Ren from the ground up. From his body type to the light spackling happy trail that gave way to–oh.

His conservative 5 ½ in member. Which sounded like plenty for a novice like her. She didn't want to be impaled the first time or ever really.

"Yeah…" she nodded and agreed in a daze. It was like he was hypnotizing her. Her eyes flitted to his thick thighs then back to the already hard cock between them. It curved slightly, had enough girth for her thumb and index finger to circle and then there were the veins. She thought–knew those would feel good.

He smiles down at her. All charm.

She lay there like a doll, just ready for him to get back on top of her.

"Though I'd love to see it, I won't ask you to take me in your mouth today." again, another nod though she didn't really digest what he was saying

He put his knee back onto the foot of the bed and it was over from there when he dragged her down and positioned her spread eagle–knees slightly bent.

He kneeled between her legs.

Ren looked at her face while his hands stroked her thighs. "What do you want sweet Alice?" sweet? "Hm?"

She didn't answer because she thought it was rhetorical and he chuckled.

He slightly patted her outer thigh, "Tell me."

"Tell you?" she asked.

"What you want."

She bit her lip a little confused.

"You?" she said though it came off more as a question than a statement.

Ren smiled. "Uh-huh. But what part of me?" he spoke, coaxing her.

"Your…?" she trailed off but didn't finish the sentence.

"Go on, tell me, sweetheart."

Her eyes flitted to the side and she murmured "Your uhm..I want.." she breathed. "I want your cock." she said and his grin broadened.

"That's my girl." he praised and it gave her not only butterflies but a severely aching pussy. "You ready, sweet thing?"

"Yeah…"

"Good." she watched. She couldn't look away, from his hand grasping his stiff cock. He stroked it once, twice–three times. He grabbed her thighs and wrapped her legs around his waist, then slid forward.

They both groaned as he slid between her vulva.

He did it a couple of times, bumping her clit with his tip before he seemed to get impatient with that and tease her entrance.

"Ren." she gasped as he moved inside ever so slightly.

"Hm?" he hummed absently, looking at nothing but their soon conjoined parts. "What is it?"

"It…feels weird," she says.

His eyes flit up, "Bad weird? Does it hurt?"

"No…" God no. She was too slick for something like that. Her juices had gone from coating her ass and inner thighs to the sheets beneath her by now. "Just weird…"

His neck strained and his jaw clenched, "Do you want me to stop?"

"No."

He breathed in relief then slid further in and she keened.

He stopped again, letting her adjust. She stared at him with wide-open eyes, unable to do anything but watch what was being done to her–because frankly, she wasn't doing shit but laying there.

"Uh huh." he murmured, moving in again, just an inch, "gods" he hissed. He glared at the ceiling and paused. "You're killing me."

"Sorry." She wasn't and he seemed to sense it.

Another inch, she gasped, then another, and the both of them moaned. Then, finally, he was to the hilt. He didn't move a muscle. Just stood there with his eyes clenched.

"Something wrong?" she asked softly, a little breathless but mostly just feeling full.

"Not at all. Everything's great." his eyes searched for hers and he cupped her cheek and leaned forward. "Perfect." it was at that moment, she realized they had not kissed yet.

Maybe he seemed to realize it too because he was bending forward, causing her to moan with pleasure and anticipation as he buried himself deeper from the position he was moving into. He moved his hand to the nape of her neck and pushed her towards him.

His lips met hers and he groaned, shifting his hips forward. Rocking against her.

"Ngnh"

Her mouth opened and he didn't hesitate to take advantage of the fact as he explored her mouth with his wet, hot tongue.

This she knew how to do as they teasingly stroked one another's not giving too much or too little but just enough. He thrust forward unexpectedly and she moaned. How was she going to live without this? It took her an entire year to save up for Ren. How the hell was she going to just give this–him up?

His hips shifted again and they both pulled away to breathe out, he wasn't moving in and out, he was pushing himself deeper and deeper, going in, in, in as she writhed around him.

She was beginning to pulse again and he groaned before pulling out.

"What are you doing?" she whined.

He didn't speak.

Instead, he grabbed her by the hips and turned her onto her belly. His hands massaged her ass momentarily but then he was at her cleft.

He slid in without a word and they both groaned in response. There was no need for a waiting period. He could thrust in and out as much as he liked. He pulled out halfway before going into the hilt again. He wasn't going particularly fast but his balls still slapped against her cunt now.

The noises were lewd and wet.

It sounded…squishy.

"Ren.." she called. Gripping the sheets. "Please…" she begged, "Faster."

"Mmm…"

He did as she asked, moving at a quicker pace but remaining deep inside her. One arm was wrapped around her hips to keep her pinned to him and the other was on her ass.

Experimentally, she tried to meet his thrusts and he moaned in encouragement.

He lasted about 2 minutes doing that before he groaned, buckling forward. "Fuck. That's it sweetheart." he hissed. "That's fucking it" she whined in response, her ass slapping against his hips over and over.

Suddenly, she felt vibrations coming from inside her. Her mouth dropped open, eyes peeled back and a hoarse cry came out of her mouth.

She paid extra for that. She forgot all about it completely.

She pushed back against him frantically, fucking herself onto his vibrating cock.

Alice whimpers and Ren pulls her hair to the side, he kisses her shoulder and then buries his face into the crook of her neck breathing her in with another groan. He spoke into her ear, raspily telling her how good she felt.

"So warm.." he murmured. "Your pussy is clenching onto cock so tightly." he hissed.

Her abdomen was tightening, she could feel the pressure of her orgasm growing tighter and tighter and it made her scared. She was making a rhythmic "uhn!" sound nonstop, growing higher and higher pitched.

"Yes." he crooned, "that's it sweet girl, cum on my cock."

"I-I can't!" she wheezed, "Oh no, no, no! I'm scared!" The tightness was so strong she was scared she was going to…she didn't know, but tears were prickling at her eyes and a large arm wrapped around her chest. Pulling her back against Ren's torso, she gasped with an arched back, "Agnh!"

Just before she thought it was finally going to happen, she wailed when he started mercilessly rubbing her clit back and forth. She was yelling–shrieking incoherent words.

"You can baby, cum for me." He encouraged me once more. "It's going to feel so good just let go.."

And she did.

Her voice cracked as she screamed out her orgasm, her toes curling, her back arching as her head flung back against Ren's shoulder. He was fucking into her with no end in sight as this happened and she felt the pulsing of her pussy, she was crying now. All of that pressure released into one big wave of euphoria, Ren let out his own shout of satisfaction and she was filled with an oozing warmth that made her keen.

Then, it was all gone and she was a twitching sobbing mess.

Ren immediately took her down onto the bed, rolling them over so that his back was against the mattress and she was between his legs, she could feel his now soft cock on her lower back as she panted.

"You did so well." he murmured, "So, so good sweetheart." she groaned in response, her eyes falling heavy and tired. His hands were in her hair, stroking her scalp while the other stroked her tummy.

"Ren…" she croaked.

He hummed, "I know." He said, "I know."

Did he know? Because she had no idea what she had been about to say. All she knew was that she felt exhausted and scared and the way he was assuring her of how good she had done was making her feel warm and sleepy.

" 'm tired.." she slurred.

"You can just sleep, Alice." he suggested softly, "I'll be here. You have me all night. I'm here."

The reminder of their time slot made her shiver a bit but she ignored it. She switched to her stomach and crawled atop him, throwing her body on his, and passed out. She heard the faint sound of a chuckle before she was out of it.

In the morning, Alice's eyes fluttered open to the surprise of Ren.

He was still here and it was–her eyes glazed over as she checked her comm for the time–morning. She had thought he'd leave while she was asleep but that did not seem to be the case

She was tempted to wake him up but instead she ever so carefully disentangled herself from his body.

When she was standing she looked down at him. They had fallen asleep above the covers and he was splayed out. His head tilted to the side the same way soft his cock was while it rested on his abdomen.

Again.

She felt tempted to touch him but wasn't that against the rules? Their time was over…

Expectedly, that did not sit well with her.

Instead, she shook her head and snuck off into the bathroom. She needed a shower. She had dried…cum? 'Ejaculate' dried on her inner thighs.

Before she could close the door however it seemed she had woken him up.

Ren strolled into the bathroom with a smile on his sleepy face.

Alice stared at him through the mirror, half curious and half admiring his chest. He walked behind her, draping his arms around her waist before resting his chin on her neck.

She was slightly startled but didn't move.

"What are you doing?" She asks curiously.

"Holding you," he responded easily.

Well of course but...?

"Why?" She asks, concerned but also hopeful.

Alice could admit it. She wanted to see him again.

"Because I want to." he once again responded with ease. It was so simple, wasn't it?

"Why do you want to?" She asks softly.

He looks into her eyes through the mirror, kissing her neck before answering, "Because I had a really good time last night."

"Yeah but..."

"But what?" He was slightly frowning now.

"I hired you."

"I don't care," he said, then paused. "Unless you care. I connected with you last night, did you connect with me?" Alice's eyes widened. How could he possibly just admit that? didn't he have any concern for his heart?

No, because he didn't have one.

She looked back at him, "I did..."

"Good."

"Isn't this against some rule?" she asks.

"What?"

"Asking a client out."

"Uh," his eyes glaze over, and rapidly data scrolls over his eyes. They cleared. "No."

"Really?"

"Mhmm.." he hummed.

This was all so bizarre. Could it be that simple? He wanted to date her so now they were? Life didn't work like that, did it? Alice had been wrong, nothing about this night had been safe nor had she had any control over it whatsoever.

He wanted her. She wanted him. That was simple.

Hell. She decided to take a risk.

"So are we actually friends now?" She asked.

"No Alice," he smiled, "We are certainly not just friends," he spoke and her heart leapt.

She searched his eyes. Did he really like her? He had said so before they had sex but now it felt a little more genuine. She licked her dry lips and he stared at her expectantly. She had no idea how this would work but she was willing to give it a shot. She gave a shy nod.

He grinned. "Yes?"

"Yes."

#machine fucker #robophilia #robot fucker #robofucker #robot kink #robot nsft #robot #robot x reader #robots #robot x human #android nsft #android x reader #android #robosexual #<- i stole those tags #monster fucker #monster romance #monster x reader #monster x human #monster x female reader

[cactusringed]

You know, whilst obviously a cushy ass job, I don't think many people appreciate how difficult and stressful content creation is. Humans were never meant to have millions of eyes on them and especially people in their 20s or lower are never going to be the perfect emotionless content creating machine

Idk, it's just the way I see some people talk about CCs is kind of painful. Maybe I'm being a bit parasocial, but a few are around my age, or even younger, and I can't help but wonder how horrifically choking it must be to have to continuously entertain millions of people. I know it's easy to forget just how much that is. But even one million is a staggering amount of people. Many of them have over 5+ million subscribers.

And worse yet is that they have to balance their genuine friendships and emotions with what will be considered entertaining to an audience. It's easy as scarian girlies to be upset when Grian avoids Scar so much in the life series since third life, but I think that annoyance is a bit misplaced both because 1. They still interact quite a bit and their interaction are always full of joy and radiate with their friendship even when they play enemies, and 2. In the grand scheme of things, we remain a minority within the 8 million people who are subscribed to Grian. Many more would be annoyed to get the same storyline over and over.

There is an unfortunate pragmatism that content creators in such series have to employ. They need to juggle between their friendships, the people they tend to hover around, and the idea of what would make good content. As much as scarian girlies would eat up 5 seasons of scarian alliance, the nature of their natural friend dynamic as well as the series in general would lead to it being repetitive. It would lead to decreased viewer satisfaction. Decreased viewership. Decreased money. They're in the unfortunate position of monetizing their friendships. Who they ally themselves with is not just a matter of who they like most, but it's also a business decision. None of us are in the position to fully appreciate that, unless there are content creators with millions of followers in the midst of mcyt fans ig.

Idk. Idk. Maybe I'm too protective of CCs or whatever. But I've seen too many folks completely dehumanise them and fully forget that they're just dudes playing Minecraft for a living with their friends in front of million of people. A lot of these dudes are in their 20s or 30s. Hell, even those in their 40s have a right to struggle with shit as well. That level of attention on you can be terrifying. They reserve the right to do what they fucking want, and furthermore reserve the right to offer the kind of content they want. And maybe that includes not exploring a storyline or trope or character the fandom is hyped about because they got spooked by the attention, or flat out aren't comfortable with it. Maybe it's trying to be aware of how often they magnetize towards their closer friends, and thus avoiding making all of their videos about them, because they want to ensure the amusement of the million of people who watch them.

Idk. Idk. There's a level of entitlement we can sometimes feel towards the CCs that we as a fanbase - that we as individual people - need to be aware of and question. These are people. They're professional but not in the same sense that film actors are professionals. The majority of them completely stumbled into their popularity and their spontaneity ends up weighed down by that awareness of an audience. Idk. Grian won't read your posts about him but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be kind

[our-destiny]

Day 10 of @creativepromptsforwriting's 30 Days Writing Challenge - Use the title: Promises made, promises kept

A/N: Stalker Bucky is back! This is a part 2 to Day 6's prompt - write about a blackout. I kind of don't like it and it feels very cringey and also doesn't really match the prompt but I tried :']

Content / Trigger Warnings: Stalking, breaking and entering(?), reader has terrible flight or fight instincts and the ending is disgusting -If I missed any please let me know

I am not responsible for the media you consume, read the warnings, minors DNI

30 Days Writing Challenge Masterlist

Word count: 887

. ☪︎* ☁︎. . * ✰ .· ☁︎ . *  ✯. ☪︎* ☁︎. . * ✰ .· ☁︎ .

"You're all mine."

You haven't seen James since that night, well you haven't seen him at all, actually. When the power came back on James walked out the door and you were too scared to turn around and see what he looked like. So, his appearance is still a mystery but he hasn't been back to talk to you for three weeks, he hasn't even left you a note and the feeling of being watched is less prominent. Maybe he's finally stopped stalking you and found someone else to torment. That night still plays heavy on your mind, the hug, his words, the possessiveness that oozed from his voice. You thought he was going to come back, but wouldn't be have done so by now? Why wait? Whatever, you're just glad he's gone, no more creepy notes to find, no reason to be scared of the shadows anymore. That's what you tell yourself, anyway, yet you keep finding yourself looking over your shoulder when in dark rooms, expecting him to be standing there watching you. But he never is.

The bad weather continued, there was a storm almost every night, luckily the power stayed on every time but that didn't stop you from being terrified. Would he come back if the power went out? Was he just biding his time? No, if he was he would've kept leaving you notes. He's gone.

Tonight's storm was particularly brutal. You finally felt safe enough to turn some of the lights off in your house, the lightning was illuminating all the dark corners your lamps didn't reach. This time you were in your bedroom, your phone fully charged, ready for if the power went out. But he wouldn't come back, James was gone. You had been camping out on your bed the past hour, still scared you might find him lurking in your home, but by now you really needed a drink. Desperately. So, you plucked up all your courage (which was not a lot), and opened your bedroom door to go to the kitchen, taking your phone with you.

When you got there you half expected to see a note on your counter, but nothing was there. No notes, no James. You poured yourself a glass of water, downed it in a few gulps, just to fill it up again and make your way back to your bedroom.

When you got there and saw what was on your bed you almost dropped the glass, you would have if you weren't holding it with both hands. A piece of lined paper, folded in half. You set the glass on your bedside table, just so you could stand there and panic without having to worry about dropping it. He's back. Or maybe he never left. He was in your bedroom. It barely took you two minutes to go to the kitchen and come back and in that time he had put that note there. He's in your house. He's watching you. Has he been watching you this whole time? You thought he left. Fuck.

Finally, you settled on reading the note, though you approached it as if it were a snake about to bite you. The same messy handwriting was scribbled at the top, handwriting you hadn't seen in three weeks.

Please don't be scared. You know I'm watching you so there's no need to be scared. I'll keep you safe.

- Love, James

Right as you finished reading the room suddenly went pitch black. The power went out. And your phone... Is in the kitchen. You set it down on the counter to take a drink and never picked it up again. Wow, your survival instincts are terrible.

Just like last time, a few seconds later you heard his footsteps before you felt him. He was behind you, his hands on your hips. The left hand was cool, not quite cold but it didn't feel like blood was pumping through it. But his right hand was warm, meaning he wasn't outside recently. How long had he been in your house without you knowing about it? You didn't have time to think about it when he placed his head on your left shoulder, his right hand coming round to take the note from you.

"I can feel you shaking." He was talking just above a whisper like last time, not sounding like a stalker at all, breath fanning just below your ear. "There's no need, I'm right here."

He started slowly turning the both of you around, before gently pulling you back toward the bed. Again you froze, unable to do anything except lay down on the bed with him, his warm body spooning you from behind, again an action that was supposed to be comforting and was anything but.

"You thought I left you. I saw you. I guess it's kind of my fault for not speaking to you since that night, I should have left you something. I was planning on just giving you that note and leaving you alone tonight but then the power went out and I knew you'd be scared." It was him that scared you. But you have a feeling he wouldn't accept that fact very well. It didn't really seem like he wanted you to talk right now anyway, so you just kept quiet and stared into the darkness of the room, the occasional strike of lightning illuminating the furniture. James seemed content to ramble on whether you answered him or not.

"I hope you know I'm never gonna leave you. I'm honestly a little offended you ever thought I would. But I forgive you, I know I just haven't made myself clear enough." He paused for a second, and that was enough time for you to dread what he was going to say next.

"I said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not gonna lose you. I'm not gonna let anybody take you from me. You're all mine. And I'll keep saying it until you believe me. I promise."

You don't think you're ever going to be able to get rid of him. Not as long as he keeps that promise.

. ☪︎* ☁︎. . * ✰ .· ☁︎ . *  ✯. ☪︎* ☁︎. . * ✰ .· ☁︎ .

Reblogs and comments are really appreciated <33

#dark bucky barnes #yandere bucky x reader #yandere bucky barnes #yandere bucky #bucky barnes #bucky x female reader #dark mcu #dark marvel #dark bucky x you #dark!bucky barnes x reader #dark!buckybarnes #soft!dark bucky barnes x reader #soft!dark bucky #soft dark fic #yandere marvel #yandere marvel x reader #yandere mcu #30dwc #stalker bucky #tw stalking

[gay-mooshrooms]

I fear to stain your clothes with blood/Stain them. I don't care

Chapter 1

Look.

Maybe Wilbur didn't love going to camp.

Maybe he would whine, and complain, and annoy the crap out of Phil and Techno on the 3-hour car ride.

But! 

That did not mean he hated it. 

Sure it was far from the most enjoyable experience in the world. 

But sue him, the kids gave him some small shred of hope for humanity that he was oh so desperately lacking. 

It also helped that Tommy adored Camp Essempi. He had practically grown up there, been tagging along every summer since he was 7 after Phil bought the place. 

So now Wilbur found himself in his dad's grey van, listening to The Artic Monkeys at a very unhealthy volume, while he could see Techno gesturing in the seat in front of him. 

If he had to guess, Tech was probably monologuing about some new book he read or what he was planning for the campers or something.

Wilbur didn't really care. 

Tommy was directly next to him, and his head was now resting on his shoulder, where it had been slowly creeping toward for the past hour, in spite of him claiming, "Fuck you Wil! I'm not tired at all bitch!"

They really needed to work on his swearing problem.

But that was for another day. 

Right now Wilbur had to worry about how to stay sane with 2 more hours left on this car trip.

He debated trying to read a book he brought but considering the last time he'd tried reading a book in the car they'd had to pull over so he could throw up, he decided not to risk it. 

Listen to Techno rant? Wilbur thinks he'd rather take the vomit at that point.

He eventually just decides to take the easy way out. 

Turning his music down slightly, he lays his head on top of Tommy's, stretching the blanket he'd been hogging across them both, and letting his eyes shut. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time he woke up, they were only 30 minutes away from camp, and Tommy was still dead to the world. 

Techno had fallen asleep at this point too, his head lolling so his long hair fell over the edge of the car seat.

How he lived with it that long Wilbur would never know. 

He removed one of his earbuds and was met with the soft sound of Here Comes the Sun drifting from the radio, Phil humming along quietly. 

A few seconds later, his dad looked up and saw him awake. 

"Oh Wil!" Phil said, smiling, "Didn't see that you were up. We stopped at McDonald's about 15 minutes ago and got some fries for you, figured you'd be hungry."

Wilbur immediately brightened and maybe grabby hands at his father. 

"Gimme food," he said, with all the eloquence of a toddler. 

Phil chuckled and handed over the brown paper bag. 

"Save some for Tommy, you know he'll be starving when he wakes up, and who knows what that will entail."

Wilbur nodded solemnly, suddenly reminded of the last long car trip they'd taken. 

A few minutes into starting on the fries, he felt Tommy stir beside him. 

"Ugh, do I smell food?" Tommy asked, his voice slightly hoarse. 

"Always hungry never satisfied," said Wilbur, which was not entirely inaccurate. Tommy ate like a fiend. 

"Ey!" Tommy blurted out, his head immediately shooting up and his hands raising. "Just cus you're as small as a twig doesn't mean I have to be. Plus I heard Niki's running some of the sports stuff and I am NOT doing that on an empty stomach."

Wilbur had to give him that, Niki, one of his old camp friends and now first-year counselor, was one of the nicest people he'd ever met, but also incredibly badass. 

She'd been one of Techno's favorite campers, and he, in turn, had been her favorite counselor, which meant she was an expert in most combat-based camp stuff. 

She terrified Wilbur and Tommy alike. 

Techno too, but he would only admit that to her.

"Fine fine gremlin child take your food," huffed Wilbur, handing over the bag.

Tommy grinned evilly up at him and began shoveling the food into his mouth like an animal, a raccoon perhaps. Or maybe a possum. 

Wilbur couldn't help but grimace and turn his attention back towards his older brother and father, who, now that Techno had woken up too, were discussing camp setup. 

"Listen, Phil," one of Techno's quirks, he almost never called Phil dad. "We have more campers this year, we're gonna need to buy some more stuff."

Phil shook his head, "It'll be fine Tech. And if not, we'll go out and get stuff. And anyway, it's not so much supplies I'm worried about but space. I think we'll have to raid some of the unused cabins for cots. The last thing I wanna do is force kids to sleep on the floor, "said Phil, chuckling. 

"It would be good for them, " Wilbur chimed in, "Builds character."

Phil laughed. 

"C'mon Wil, let's not give them scoliosis too early on in the summer."

"As I just stated, character building."

"Wilbur I swear to god."

The last 20 minutes of the drive were spent bickering about random topics or singing along to Hamilton.

The latter was, of course, Wilbur's request. 

But Tommy joined in too. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sudden sound of crunching gravel alerted Wilbur to their imminent arrival at Essempi, a sound that bore equal parts joy and pain in his mind. 

It was at this point Tommy began bouncing off the walls, it was honestly a miracle he's lasted this long.

Usually about 2 hours in they had to stop for 15 minutes and just putter around a gas station.

Fortunately, Tommy had stayed up late last night with Wilbur, going over rules and his luggage over and over again to make sure he didn't forget anything. 

But once rested, Tommy's energy made a full recovery, and as soon as they had gotten their luggage out of the car he was full-on sprinting towards their cabin. 

Wilbur however, did not not follow so eagerly. 

Unlike Tommy, car trips didn't make him stir crazy, but rather tired, lethargic, and dead on his feet.

So, grumbling, he hoisted his backpack over his shoulders and grabbed his duffle, before trudging down the path behind his little brother. 

It didn't take long for his dad and Techno to catch up, his older brother giving him a small pat on his shoulder before moving past. 

Phil on the other hand, fell into stride alongside Wilbur and started humming Dear Theodosia, one of his favorites. 

"How are you feeling Wil?"

The words startled him, he hadn't exactly been expecting conversation. 

"Uh, fine?" he said, with a slight question in his tone. 

"I mean, a bit tired but nothing horrible."

Phil nodded, "OK. Just let us know if you need anything."

Wilbur couldn't help the small sigh that escaped him. 

He understood that his dad meant well. That he genuinely cared and wanted to help. But this was not what Wilbur needed. 

He never did well at the whole talking about your feelings thing. That was definitely Phil's department, and something he always encouraged in his kids. But somehow Wilbur never got the hand of that particular skill.

He didn't think any of them did really.

But he didn't say this, or anything remotely similar. 

Instead, he just nodded and said softly, "Alright, thanks dad."

Phil smiled, laid a hand on Wilbur's shoulder, gave a small squeeze, and then he was gone. 

Wilbur paused for a second, looking around at the slowly darkening sky, where the first glimpses of stars were visible.

He glanced at the trees, shaking in the slight breeze that was making him glad he wore a hoodie.

And finally, he looked back down the path, where beams of warm light could now be seen.

Wilbur took a deep inhale, readjusted his bag, and continued walking.

It was gonna be a long couple of months.

#uuummmmm #i have no clue how to tag this😅 #here is my attempt at writing! #let me know if you enjoyed or have any feedback yadayada the usual #just please be kind as it's my first time writing something like this so I deeply apologize for any errors or anything ooc #i know there was someone who inspired this but i can't find the original post to save my life #i'll keep looking and it any of you know alert me plz! #and the title is from the infamous Herakles play #enjoy! #dsmp #dsmp fanfic #moosh writing

[ivysenpai3]

Decided to do a Tokyo Revengers gc😂, hope you like it.

Desc: Smiley accidentally spills readers crush so now she's pissed.

Chaotic GC

Mikey: Hey everyone

Ran: Hey Mickey✨😌

Mikey: It's Mikey, not Mickey😐

Ran: I know, just wanna get on your nerves 😌

Draken: You just had to, didn't you, Haitani? 🙄

Ran: Leave me alone 😤

Smiley: Has anyone talked to Y/N-chan since my slip up? 😅

Mikey: You fucked up big time.

Emma: Fr, fucking dumbass 💀

Y/N: Guys!!! 😭

Smiley: Y/N-chan!!! 😭😭

Y/N: Don't you dare, I will end you😐

Mikey: Dayum😂

Draken: She mad, good job bro👍

Y/N: You have no idea what you made me go through 😐😐

Emma: Utter humiliation?

Ran: Total disgrace?

Y/N: Precisely, gold star for you both😗✨

Ran: I'll cherish it forever 😭

Y/N: I even lost my phone 😭

Rindou: How is that his fault? 😐

Y/N: Story time Mfs😗😌

Chifuyu: Oh oh, start with once upon a time.

Y/N: It's quite long so.... Yh.... Once upon time, there lived a blabber mouth, called Nahoya, who couldn't keep his mouth shut and blabbed an unnecessary information about girl named Y/N.

Mikey: We know this part🙄

Y/N: Hush😪. Anyway, to sum it up, I went for a walk, yada yada yada, I met Inupi and Koko having such an adorable date 😭😭✨✨✨

Mikey: Ewww😐

Y/N: Inupi terrified me, but Koko was really nice and took me shopping.

Koko: Ya welcome 😌😌

Y/N: So in the process, my phone went missing. That is the end of my story😪😪😪

Draken: So wtf are u chatting with😐?

Y/N: Turns out it was with Koko, my mum called it, he answered and he dropped it over at my house.

Ran: Hold up, he knows your house now? 😐

Koko: Indeed I do😌✨

Chifuyu: So how much you want, Koko? 👀

Mikey: Aren't you broke? 👀

Chifuyu: No😐

Mikey:But when I asked you to buy me dorayaki, you said you were broke😭😭😭😭

Chifuyu: That was then😐 besides, Y/N is a girl🙂

Smiley: Wanna get a makeover, Mikey? 👀

Mikey: Yes I do, that's gender inequality right there 😭😭😭

Taiju: Do you idiots realize how late it is🙄?

Y/N: Oh shit.....

*Y/N has left the group*

Mikey: She left? 😭😭😭

Rindou: Your fault, Smiley😒

Smiley: I apologized 😭

Emma: No you didn't 😶

Shinichiro: You're all noisy, for fucks sake go to bed😑

Taiju: Yo Shin

Shinichiro: Yo Taiju

Waka: Yo

Mikey: Why are the old people coming now😶?

Waka: Tf😑😑

Emma: Shin-nii, I'm hungry 😭😭

Mikey: I'm hungry too

Izana: Same here😪😪

Shinichiro: The fuck😶? Y'all just ate😶😶

Mikey: We did not 'just' eat....

Izana: Yeah, that was like 30 minutes ago 😐😐

Ran: I'm so glad I don't have any younger siblings 😌😌👍👍😗😗

Rindou: Excuse me😐😐😐

*Rindou is Offline*

Ran: Holy shit, what have I done😐😐😐?

Koko: So there's only 1 Haitani left, right? 😂😂

Draken: Looks that way, Rindou's probably gonna drop Ran on the streets.

Ran: Shut up.

Izana: I'm still hungry😶😶

Waka: Young Kurokawa, we say 'hangry' not 'hungry'👍👍😌😌

Taiju: Fucking dumbass

Waka: Aye, aye, don't insult your elders.

Mikey: Big deal, you turned 22, we won't have peace of mind anymore 😐😐😐

Ran: So.... Um....

Chifuyu: How did it go? 😂

Ran: Whose house can I stay in at under short notice for two day😅😭

Shinichiro: It's a full house

Emma: Tell me about it

Waka: Takeomi and Benkai are already at my place 😪

Draken: Not enough room

Chifuyu: Baji-san and Kazutora are crashing at mine😗

Izana: You already heard it from Shin and Emma so I don't owe you an explanation ✨

Taiju: I would let you stay

Mikey: Plot twist coming 😪

Taiju: But I just wanna see you suffer and sleep on the streets😌

Mikey: Called it✨

Ran: Anyone, please 😭😭😭😭😭😭, I'm too handsome to sleep on the streets 😭😭😭

Mikey: Coughs in Spanish 💀

Ran: Got something to say midget😪

Mikey: No no, anyways, good night Haitani, have fine sleeping with the rats👍✨😌

Ran:

Hope you liked it😗😗🙂🙂, I originally got this gc idea from @mulletmitsuya so go check out their work.

#tokyo rev x y/n #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers gc #ran haitani #haitani brothers #tokyo revengers crack

[unforth]

I've been trying for ages to figure out how to put something into words about The Youth In Fandom and I still don't think I've quite got it but I did reach an insight about it that I think is valuable enough that I'm gonna take a stab at writing it.

For starters, I want to make it clear, there is no "The Youth In Fandom Problem." Based on my efforts running the art sideblogs for danmei fandoms, I can say with a fair degree of confidence that a vast minority of people of all ages are antis, purity wankers, pro-censorship, ageist, etc. Even among people who mark their bios with their age, it's a shockingly low percentage of people under 18 who are being super weird about this stuff, and I think that's something a lot of older folks bemoaning The Younger Generation could stand to know and be reminded of. This isn't a majority, it's just a vocal minority, and tbh...that vocal minority has always been there, at least in my own fandom experiences.

That said, I've personally been the target of "y r u in fandom, old woman? Go take care of your kids!" bullshit, and yes it's definitely real and yes it definitely happens. (I am not old, I am not a woman, I was here before the people who said that to me were born, and I spend all the rest of my time taking care of my kids, so...).

All that introduction is to posit a theory:

The kinds of people who say "you should grow out of it, you're too old for fandom, etc." don't actually really...like what they like.

I know that sounds batshit. They're here blogging about it 24/7, of course they're obsessed! But I really genuinely find myself wondering...like...are they actually obsessed? Or are they just performing obsessed because that's what their peer group is doing? Are they just following along with their friends, mimicking their friends' enthusiasm, going with the flow because they're scared of what will happen if they say "actually I didn't think that show was very good"?

I ended up with this as a theory to posit because is to arrive at "you should grow out of it," you have to start with "I will grow out of it." And to get to "I will grow out of it," you have to start with "I may be into this now but I will definitely Change." And to get to "I will definitely Change," you have to start with the base assumption that loving certain types of media isn't just part of who you are, but rather a temporary persona you've assumed overlaying some deeper Self that will be revealed with time - or that's already been revealed and that you're deliberately masking for whatever reason.

Lemme put it less abstractly (but more longwindedly, lmao).

When I was 16, I was fucking terrified. There were all these things I loved - Star Trek, Hercules and Xena, Babylon 5, Slayers, Evangelion, Fushigi Yuugi, the Wheel of Time, many others - some I'd been into for years, some I'd only just discovered. And I looked at the adults in the world around me, who didn't sleep with stuffed toys, who got into long-term romantic and sexual relationships, who settled into careers that they stuck with for 20, 30, 40 years, who had heaps of responsibilities, and it was so frightening I literally had trouble sleeping at night. My senior year of high school, I trained myself to sleep with a pillow instead of a stuffie because "what would people in college think if they saw me snuggling a stuffed wolf?" That was something I was prepared to sacrifice to be An Adult (tm), something I was (irrationally) ashamed of, something that wasn't so much a part of my personhood that I couldn't give it up. When I left home to go to school at 17, I left my wolf at home. (I brought him with me a year later, and he's now on my bookshelf. Less disposable than 16-year-old me thought, as it turns out, but that's another story.) But there were things about myself I wasn't prepared to sacrifice to fit in during college. I still wore my Star Wars shirt. I still hung my anime posters. I still listened to J Pop. My roommate might judge me. My classmates might judge me. My professors might judge me. I didn't care. Loving those were part of who I was, and I wasn't prepared to give that up.

I found solace by looking at the adults in my life who hadn't had to give up their "childish fancies." I looked at my mother, who introduced me to Star Trek, and thought if she didn't have to stop loving Star Trek to be An Adult, then why should I? I looked at my grandfather, on whose bookshelves I first found the Lord of the Rings, and thought if he didn't have to give up LotR to be An Adult, then why should I? They might not wear fandom shirts, they might not go to conventions, they might not engage in the same way that I did, but they still loved these things, and it gave me hope.

When I was saw adults who still did fan things, who dressed how they wanted, who had cool hair styles or colors, who had tattoos, I thought "wow, what a cool person. I hope I get to grow up to be like them. I hope I'll be that comfortable in my own skin when I'm that age, because I'm sure not that comfortable in my own skin NOW."

I'll have to change in some ways - find A Career, figure out this "attraction" thing everyone keeps fucking talking about, buy a house, all the rest - but I'll be able to love the things I love.

I will still be "me" when I'm an adult, just Me-Plus-More.

I wanted to grow up to be that adult. I was prepared to take figurative arrows, to fight, to slog through, to retain the part of me that felt most valuable - my ability to love the things I loved without apologizing for it. And I knew I could do that, because I already had. Man, the shit people gave me in middle school for being an out-and-proud Trekkie? smh. It was baaaaad.

Time passes. Now I'm 40, and yes, I have changed. I've had more than one career. I got married. I figured out I never did have to figure out that "attraction" shit because I learned asexuality existed and. uh. Oh. I had children. I bought a house.

And I still have a bookcase of manga and I still have a Tumblr blog and I've found new fandoms - many, many new fandoms - nearly all for franchises that didn't even exist when I was 16 and so so scared that I used to literally break down and cry over the prospect of "having" to "give up childish things."

I got myself through on the belief that I'd still be me, and I was right. More than 20 years later, I AM still me.

And that's what leads me back to "why do The Youth think they'll age out of fandom?" And it leads me back to "I can only assume their fandom participation is mostly performative." Because look. This is who I was when I was 10 and read Lord of the Rings, and it was who I was when I was 12 and I started watching Star Trek when Voyager debuted, and it's who I was when I was 17 and I pulled an all-nighter to watch the second season of Fushigi Yuugi, and it's who I was when I was 21 and spent my birthday totally sober and gaming with my friends, and it's who I was at 26 when I got buried up to my eyeballs in Supernatural, and it's who I was at 37 when I watched The Untamed and knew as easy as breathing oh my god I've found the next obsession.

If it's an embraced, realized, adored part of your persona, there's absolutely no reason to think it's going to go away. And there's no reason nor need for it to. There are always gonna be people who judge others for having passions, and there are always gonna be people who embrace others for having passions, and you just gotta identify and avoid the former and find and adore the latter. If you're young, and you love fandom, and you're afraid you, too, will "have to" give up childish things...congratulations! You've got nothing to be afraid of! You never have to change that aspect of yourself!

But...I know these teens on Tumblr who are bullying others already know that because they can see us everywhere. And instead of going, as I did, "oh wow, those older people who still love the things they love are cool! how reassuring! I can be like them!" they think "EW OLD PERSON NOT ALLOWED THIS IS MY ROOM DO NOT ENTER."

And that's weird. When I try to think, "What kind of mentality would lead someone to feel that way, act that way, etc.?" I arrive at: being in fandom is something that they're embarrassed about. Something they're ashamed of, that they think is shameful. Something childish and therefore only for kids, even when the media they're a fan of is entirely made for and by adults. Something they think is made for them in that moment but that they'll be able to easily discard when they move on to more important parts of their lives. Something they know in their heart is transient. Something they're just doing because their friends are doing it.

That's when they'd think "why would an adult still do this?"

When it's something you "know" will be "just a phase," you don it like you don the identity of "high school student," something that'll get shucked a minute after graduation.

And while I found the idea of giving up fandom terrifying, I again can only assume that for these type of person, NOT giving up fandom becomes something terrifying. "Of course this is transient. Of course I'm going to change. I can't wait to change, I hate who I am now! Why did these so-called adults not change? Changing to not like this kind of thing is a sign of Maturity and Adulthood that I am eagerly waiting for, because I believe there's something wrong with being this way, and therefore I assume the adults I see doing this are immature, have something wrong with them, are childish, cannot be Doing Adulthood Right, because they didn't give up the thing."

"I know, in my heart, that I can't WAIT to change, so if they don't want to change, if they haven't changed, something must be wrong with them."

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is the only reason. People are way too complex for there ever to be One Explanation Of All. I'm sure some of the teens who engage in ageist bullying just think they're ~cool~ and ~different~ and their name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Others are just uncomfortable with adults, with or without cause, and think "you don't belong in the same space as me." Some surely have drank the conservative kool-aid even as they've tried to change and are pantomiming the bullshit they were fed by those around them in new and unpleasant ways. Some think "this media was made for people like me and anyone who isn't like me can't possibly be engaging it in the Correct And Proper Way."

Some will grow out of it - out of fandom, or out of thinking that being an adult in fandom is wrong/bad/inappropriate/immature/whatever.

A few especially unpleasant ones...won't.

Unlike young!me, who looked at fannish grown ups and thought "wow, I could grow up to be like them, they're so cool!", you think "ew, I hope I don't grow up to be like them, they're so weird!"

And if that's you...why are you here?

If you don't actually like who are you when you're in fandom, that's okay. You don't have to stay. If you lose your friends because your interests change, then those friends stink and you didn't need them anyway; people who actually care about you will always keep by your side even if your interests and theirs diverge. But just cause YOU are performing your interest in fandom...doesn't mean the rest of us are. Some of us genuinely like it here. And you might think that's fucked up of us, but it's honestly none of your fucking business. You do what you gotta do to grow up, and leave the rest of us already-grown-ups alone.

And if you do genuinely love it and you're just scared because you think you'll have to change - that you'll reach some mystical age of majority and suddenly wake up a different person...you won't. For better and for worse, you'll still be you, so if there's things about yourself you don't like, it'd be better to start working on unpacking that psychological baggage now, because there's never gonna be a miracle point where you Feel Better And Like An Adult unless you put in the effort to change.

Teenagers...you will not grow up to be a new person. You will never give up who you are. You will grow up to be You-Plus-More.

And if that's something you hear and go "omg that's great news!" then I'm glad to be the one who told you. Take heart. There's hope. You can be you and that WILL be okay. You can face up to and grow from the things about yourself you don't like. You can learn more about yourself. You have time, and you will be able to improve yourself, to become more like the parts of yourself you like and less like the parts you hate.

And if that's something you hear and go "oh god no that's the worst" then you need to stare that reaction in the face and understand that the only way change is coming is if you make it happen for yourself. No one is strong-arming you into being a fan. If it's not for you...then stop. It's literally that easy. But don't take out your uncertainty and fear on other random people who are more comfortable with themselves than you are. Most of us are not here because of fear. We're here in the face of our fear, as a fuck you to our fear, because we also grew up being told we'd have to give up so-called childish things to be An Adult, and it turns out that was a pile of bullshit and we can have careers AND anime posters. And we can afford more anime posters, cause our parents are no longer telling us how to spend our money.

If your participation in fandom is primarily performative...just stop performing. Be yourself, and find your OWN passion, and stop shitting on the people who have managed to be more true to themselves and their own interests. You're not cool and edgy and different; you're just an asshole and a bully, and I pity you.

Anyway as you can tell from this rambly mess of a post, I haven't really gotten my finger on my point yet, but idk. I've been thinking about this and I think there's something there???

#unforth rambles #drama #hopefully now that I've written this I can finally get it out of my head #my posts like this pretty much always flop but that's okay #if it helped me think things out for myself #about why some people are Like That #then its job is done #anyway I wrote this post in between helping my daughter get dressed #and getting my son on the bus #and making tea #and straightening up the living room #and now i gotta start work in three minutes #the big difference between teen me and adult me is that now I have to fit the fanning into these miniscule windows of time #between all the More Important Things That Need Done #it's tiring but it's worth it

[barnesafterglow]

killer

summary: when you meet steve, you don't expect to fall in love, let alone share with him your deepest secret

pairing: pre-serum!steve rogers x vampire!reader

word count: 2.1k

warnings: honestly pretty soft smut (f receiving oral, unprotected sex, come eating but it's fine), biting (obviously), slightly sub steve, mention of suicidal ideation, me fixing canon bc i can

a/n: this is more plot/feelings than it is filthy smut but i love it anyways. i have 4 other prompts i'm cycling between so i'm hoping to have a couple more done over the course of this week. please reblog and comment if you enjoyed this, every one means a lot to me! (edit to say that while it didn’t inspire the fic, i definitely get killer by phoebe bridgers vibes hence the title)

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kinktober masterlist ─ main masterlist

You could smell him from blocks away; you always could. It was like every cell in your body was in tune with his. It had been that way since the day you met him. 

-

It was 1943, and you were in charge of taking care of Erskine’s newest candidate. You had seen a handful come and go, all of them eventually proving to be unworthy. But something about Steve Rogers was different. It wasn’t just the pure look of determination on his face the second he stepped into basic training. You could smell the purity rolling off of him in waves. This was a man who was good and true.

Erskine took your word for it; never once in all your years together had you lied to him. Not even when he cornered you in his lab one day - after 30 years of working together - asking why you hadn’t aged a day. You were honest with him, giving the most simple answer: you were a vampire. You had been since long before borders were drawn and humans turned on each other, and you would be until someone drove a stake through your heart. He was deeply interested, asking you questions and seeking the answers to common misconceptions. You were more than happy to share with him. He was one of the very few people you were certain was good.

But Steve Rogers, he really was unlike any person you had ever met before. Sweet, kind, humble. Too humble, in your opinion. The world had beaten him down, and while he would fight tooth and nail for it regardless, he neglected himself and his own worth. You were determined to help him see himself in a new light.

The first time you kissed him, you felt butterflies in your stomach; never in all your centuries had you felt such a thing for anyone. You barely knew him and yet somehow you had known him your whole life.

The first time you fucked him, he melted in your arms. He nearly cried with the overwhelming feeling and worked himself into an asthma attack. You laid with him - the both of you still bare and chilled under the blankets of your cot - rubbing circles into his back until he was calm enough to whisper three little words in your ear. You knew then that if your heart could beat, it would beat for him.

The first time you bit him, you were terrified.

Erskine had finally talked to Steve, told him his plan, and Steve readily agreed. Just as you both knew he would.

The night before, he trembled in your arms, showing you the fear he refused to let anyone else see.

“I know I would die for my country.” He was nothing if not proud of that. “A few months ago, I would have done it without question. Now, all I can think about is you.”

Tears welled in his eyes, as they did in yours. You kissed him softly and sweetly, sitting up with him, moving closer. Just like that, with your foreheads pressed together, you told him your secret.

“I can…I can bite you. Turn you. But I don’t know what effect that will have on the serum. I don’t know what you can survive.”

“I’ll survive anything to be with you.”

You wanted to protest, wanted to tell him that you weren’t worth the possibility of the unknown. But you knew your lover, and the look in his eyes spelled nothing but love and determination. 

Who were you to deny him anything?

The two of you were still bare, bodies pressed close in the confined space, and so it wasn’t hard to tilt his head to the left, exposing the beautiful, unmarked skin of his neck.

You licked it teasingly, tasting the salt on his skin and the beating of his pulse underneath. He shivered at the touch, and you knew he was both terrified and excited for what possibilities came next.

Breathing in the sweet smell of his blood, your fangs shone in the pale moonlight, and before he could blink, your teeth sank into Steve’s neck.

You moaned low, keeping him held against you for a handful of seconds. But his own moans were a symphony to your ears. He sung like the angels above he so closely resembled, and when you finally pulled back, you realized he had come all over your thigh. When his eyes finally fluttered open, the shallow breaths deeping out, it took him only moments to apologize.

“Oh god I’m so -” You shushed him before he could get the words out, kissing him like your life depended on it. When you pulled away, a streak of blood marred the beautiful pale skin just above his lips, and you ducked your head once more to taste it.

‘“How do you feel, my love?” you asked him, keeping your hands placed on his face so he wouldn’t try to look away from you.

“I liked it.” His whisper was so low you don’t think you would have heard it if not for your enhanced senses. “I want you to do it again.”

Your brow furrowed. “You only need one bite to turn.”

“I know that, but… I want more.” He swallowed hard, struggling to meet your eyes. “I just want more.”

You nodded knowingly. The thrill of a bite could be exhilarating. Erotic. That didn’t stop you from worrying about him.

“Steve…”

“Please, just give me this.”

And who were you to deny him anything?

Staring deep into his eyes, you caved and nodded. He tilted his neck again, but you took him by surprise when you pushed him down on his back and sunk your teeth into the slight swell of his chest. 

He moaned deeply, and you could feel his hardness against you again. In a split second, you were straddling him, rubbing your folds against his length, both of your moans trying to contain themselves to the canvas of the tent around you.

You sunk down onto him slowly - despite his slight stature, Steve Rogers was not small everywhere - until your pelvis was flush against his own and his hands gripped your hips so hard you were afraid the bones might shatter.

When you leaned down to kiss him, you nipped at his bottom lip as you pulled back, drawing the smallest drops of blood.

You started to ride him slowly, rolling your hips to get you both used to the feeling - Steve had gotten better about his breathing in the handful of times you had made love, but you were always so scared after that first time that you couldn’t help but start out easy.

After only a handful of minutes, your movements started to quicken and so did your mouth, Where before you had subdued yourself to playful nips, once he sunk deep into you, you allowed yourself to release some control.

Every slide down of your walls around his cock were enunciated with a bite along Steve’s soft skin. By the time you gained the strength to thrust up into you, he was covered in double crescent moon shapes. 

When you clenched around him, close to reaching your peak, you tilted his head to the right and left a twin mark on his neck. His sweet taste pushed you over the edge, and you came with him following right behind you.

And, oh, wasn’t that fantastic. He had never finished inside of you before, always afraid of - on the slight chance he wasn’t infertile - that the two of you would try to bring a baby into a world so unknown. But with that risk gone, you were euphoric with the feel of him coating your walls.

For a few more minutes, you stayed laying on top of him, giving kitten licks to any bites that were still bleeding. When you finally rolled off of him, you expected to feel around for a rag to clean the two of you up, but Steve surprised you by gently pushing you onto your back.

Timidly, he placed tender kisses down your body before settling between your thighs. He looked up at you, eyes boring into your own, and lowered himself to your core.

His tongue swept through your folds, nipping lightly at your clit, and he moaned into you at the taste of himself. He brought both hands - large, gorgeous, artist hands - and spread your lips even more, almost ravenous with the way he swirled his tongue through your mixed releases. 

With a harsh suck of your clit, you were falling over the edge again, and he lapped up every drop of you until there was none left.

He crawled up your body again, clearly exhausted, and curled into your side. He whispered a sweet goodnight to you, and was out almost immediately.

You stayed up all night, counting his breaths and making sure his heart continued to beat.

-

The next morning, Erskine took one look at the marks that could be seen through Steve’s white t-shirt, and ordered everyone but you and Howard Stark - whom Erskine insisted could be trusted with your secret - from the room. The three of you watched as Steve stripped his shirt and stepped into the Vita-Ray Chamber. Your eyes took into the sporadic bite marks across his body, and small smile tugged at your lips despite the pure terror that coursed through your body.

You trusted Erskine’s mind, of course you did, but this was Steve and the thought of something happening to him drove you to pure rage.

Nevertheless, the Chamber closed around him, and the room went silent except for the machine at work. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the Chamber opened and through the steam… someone emerged.

He had the same face as your Stevie, but other than that he was like a stranger. Tall and muscled, though he had the same smooth, freckled skin. Skin that no longer wore your marks.

It was a strike to your heart, at first, but a second glance at him spelled one thing: he was healthy.

You couldn’t smell the sickness of his youth anymore, only the scent of a strong man, young and healthy. Still, underneath it all, was the smell of purity that was his and his alone.

He stepped out and his eyes immediately sought you out. And you knew then, even if he was no longer marked by you, he would still be forever yours.

-

It had been 66 years since you smelled Steve’s sweet scent. He told he loved you one last time before he crashed into the Atlantic and took your unbeaten heart with him to the bottom.

Unable to end your own life, you dedicated every year after to hunting HYDRA. You knew his sacrifice was not the end of their reign, and you tore them down brick by brick. You hoped the end of it was when you ripped Arnim Zola limb from limb and nearly did the same to Peggy Carter for trying to work with him.

You spent the rest of your time with Howard Stark, assisting him in his experiments and even befriending his son from a young age. You helped Tony through his parents’ deaths. A freak car accident, they said - which sounded suspicious to you at first, but after several years of digging into every possible avenue, it truly had just come down to bad brakes and an unlit road. Tony thanked you profusely, his guilt nearly overcoming him at the news because of his rocky relationship with his father, and he offered you his gratitude for making sure he knew the truth.

His gratitude was the reason he called you as soon as he heard the news about Steve at SHIELD. 

Steve, your lost love. Steve, the man you thought couldn’t possibly survive almost 70 years buried in ice despite whatever mixture of venom and serum swam through his veins. Steve, who was alive and only a plane ride away.

Suddenly, you were on a sidewalk outside a brownstone in Brooklyn. The kind of place he had told you he dreamed of having on nights when he was especially homesick.

Suddenly, you could inhale and smell the scent of Steve again.

Suddenly, you were knocking on the door, afraid and thrilled of what might come next.

kinktober taglist *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

@treatbuckywkisses @sgt-barnesveins @bucky-barmes @opheliastark @sweetascanbee @writing-for-marvel @sophiejay @christywantspizza @hi-sarahh @highlyintelligentblonde @jjbunny14 @buckysfavoritereader 

#steve rogers #steve fic #steve smut #steve rogers fic #steve rogers smut #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #pre serum steve #pre serum!steve rogers x reader #pres serum!steve rogers #ww2 steve rogers #vampire!reader #steve rogers x vampire!reader #kinktober 22 #tiff's kinktober #tiff writes #killer

[zorlok-if]

if the zorlok cast were bg3 characters, what would they be and what kind of decisions would they make?

I'm assuming you mean who they would be in BG3 and not what kind of characters they would play. Also, hmm, don't want to give away spoilers here, so if you look below the cut you can see what I think they'd be up to (just beware of spoilers).

Tommy: Human, Level 9 Warlock (Fiend + Chain) / Level 3 Bard (Valour)

Dev: Wood Elf, Level 11 Rogue (Thief) / Level 1 Warlock (Archfey)

EJ: Human, Level 12 Sorcerer (Wild Magic)

Adam/Eve: High Elf, Level 7 Cleric (War) / Level 5 Paladin (Vengeance)

Lucía: Half-Elf (Wood), Level 7 Ranger (Gloomstalker) / Level 5 Rogue (Assassin)

Ciel: Lightfoot Halfling, Level 6 Barbarian (Wildheart) / Level 6 Druid (Moon)

Danny: Drow (Seldarine), Level 9 Paladin (Oathbreaker) / Level 3 Warlock (Fiend + Blade)

The Celestial: Aasimar Forest Gnome, Level 10 Wizard (Transmutation) / Level 2 Cleric (Knowledge)

Rose: Human, Level 12 Bard (Lore)

[Beware of Spoilers Below!]

Tommy

Not romancing anyone (obviously, he's 15)

Best friends with Wyll, Karlach, and Gale. Shadowheart is too cool for him, he's way too intimidated by her. Lets Astarion do whatever the hell he wants. Lae'zel scares the shit out of him. Adopted by Halsin the moment he meets him.

Just wants to hang out with the cool tiefling kids

Very easily persuaded by Raphael. Wyll and Karlach are constantly trying to talk some sense into him.

Aylin is the coolest person he's ever met

Sobbing his way through the horrors of Faerûn—I can see him in a little crumple at Withers feet, blowing his nose on Withers' decaying robes as bone daddy breaks the fourth wall and stares into the camera miserably

Eventually hardens into a truly terrifying force to be reckoned with (Karlach is very proud)

Tommy has two hands, one for Scratch and one for the owlbear

Dev

Romancing non-Ascended Astarion and fucking Halsin occasionally, Lae'zel and Shadowheart are xyr besties (xe forces them to get along), Gale amuses the hell out of xem, Wyll and Dev are constantly trying to one up each other's stories

It's either Ethel or Volo, whoever xe comes across first, but that eye's out of xyr head comically fast

Just wants to talk shit with Withers all day, hates that he never has much to say to xem

Wants to kick the shit out of Rolan but keeps saving his life somehow

Always covered in blood. Like it doesn't make sense half the time. How did that much blood splatter on xem? Why is it still on xem?

EJ

Absolutely head over heels in love with Gale, friends with and trying to fix everyone, Astarion terrifies them but they won't give up on him, they know there's a good person hiding beneath that veneer

Panicked and accidentally yeeted a gnome

Tried a tadpole once, wasn't for them

Holding Gale's hand and squinting through every dark space

Sleeps cuddling the owlbear and is always covered in feathers

Adam/Eve

In a relationship with Lae'zel, didn't get along at first but Laez grew to respect A/E and A/E was charmed by Lae'zel's... strengths. Shadowheart is their sister, hates it when the girls are fighting. Friends with Gale and Karlach. Doesn't trust Wyll fully. Never let Astarion join them. Immediately enamored with Halsin but Lae'zel is... stronger.

Normally out of spell slots cause they're terrified of long resting

Loves potions and alchemy, will stop every 30 meters to pick yet another sprig of balsam

Doesn't make deals with villainous beings. Doesn't trust any voices in their head. Doesn't respect any gods they come across.

Loviatar loves them

Lucía

In a relationship with Karlach, best friends with her and Wyll, had a crush on Shadowheart before meeting Karlach, never liked/trusted Astarion and staked him the minute he tried to put his fangs on her throat, Jaheira is her idol, probably left Lae'zel to die (cause she didn't want to upset Shadowheart)

Speaks to every single animal, picks every single lock, looks in every single barrel, fails almost every charisma check

Scratch is always by her side

Will go to Hell for her besties 😉🥲

Ciel

Dating Shadowheart, really close with Astarion and Minthara... But, seriously, they have a big redemption arc. They grow and change alongside Shadowheart, both goth edgelords are completely changed by the end

Starts the game eating every tadpole (like the Guardian barely has to suggest the idea, it's already in their mouth) but goes one step too far and suddenly becomes terrified of what it means to be monstrous(/illithid)

Diplomacy? Ha. Sorry, that's not for them. They only like talking to animals and corpses.

Loves permanently seeing invisibility...

A loot goblin, their high strength score is great for fighting and jumping and shit, but mostly for the increased carrying capacity

Mol is their idol

Danny

I'm honestly not sure who they'd be in a relationship with, I think they'd be close with everyone but I don't think they'd be in a headspace for anything more than friendship over the course of the game, maybe after the fact they'd grow closer with Shadowheart but that would just be my headcanon, they wouldn't romance anyone (no matter how much Withers mocks them for it)

They are doing everything they think is right in the moment, though they'd regret rash actions later

They empathize greatly with the undead and hate people like Balthazar who twist them to their will

No one threatens a child in their presence. Well, no one who's still alive.

They cannot pretend to be under the Absolute's thumb, they are going in swinging every time, no chance for diplomacy or manipulation

They pick up a teddy bear early on and it never leaves their inventory

The Celestial

In a physical relationship with Halsin, slept with Astarion but now they're just very good friends, sees Karlach, Wyll, and Shadowheart as eir children, loves and is very intrigued by Lae'zel, doesn't like Gale at all (cannot and will not trust a wizard like him)

Always has the Disguise Self spell going, and it's always a different disguise

Eir traveler's chest is filled with the weirdest collection of random shit you've ever seen: noble portraits, rotten eggs, gold chalices, a couple goblin corpses, poutine, 30 mindflayer tadpoles, etc.

Chats with every corpse, even the ones ey killed

Lorroakan can (and does) eat shit

Despises everything about Orin, zero redeemable qualities—even her shapeshifting, eugh, it's so... crude, no grace or skill

The moment the Celestial learns Otto's Irresistible Dance is the last moment Faerûn knows peace

Rose

In a passionate romance with Wyll but he's very good friends with everyone (they are all his children)

Does everything within his power to avoid violence. Will charm, sing, and sneak his way across Faerûn

Adopts every child and animal he comes across

The hardest thing he has to do is tell people to stay in camp. Why can't everyone always be in his party? They all make him feel so bad...

Always taking long rests (doesn't want people being tired or hurt) and spends an hour cooking a delightful meal with Gale every night

#yes i'm a habitual multiclasser #if you can't tell #thanks for the ask! #asks #bg3 #cast #tommy #dev #ej #a/e #adam/eve #lucía #ciel #danny #the celestial #rose #dnd

[undeaddredhead]

What is funger << could easily Google but want friend to tell me about it instead

Funger is short for Fear and Hunger, the first installment in the Fear and Hunger video game series. Its an awesome game that combines a jrpg play style with roguelike elements where each room of the dungeon, and the items found inside, generate randomly with each play through.

It's a one person endeavour created by a Finnish dude called Miro/orange, and it's a love letter to the horror game genre. It feels like a mix of Soulsbourne, Binding of Isaac, Silent Hill, and Pokemon vibes to me.

Basically you start out as one of four characters/classes: D'acre, the knight, Cahara the mercenary, Enki the dark priest or Ragnvaldr the outlander, and your quest is to enter the terrifying and mythical dungeons of Fear and Hunger in search of the leader of a mercenary army named Legard, who has been captured and imprisoned there.

The kicker of the game is that you only have 30 minutes to find him from when you first start the game. After that even if you find his prison he'll be dead, but you can still keep exploring the fucked up dungeons. There is SO MUCH to explore in the dungeons and truthfully I think it would take at least a few days of play time to actually find Legarde in under 30 mins.

Oh right, the other kicker of the game is that everything kills you. Like everything everything. At the start of the game you're way too weak to fight anything on your own, so it's more a survival horror game of trying to hide and outrun enemies while rooting through barrels and crates for items that coukd potentially be helpful. You have to keep track of your hunger bar by eating and drinking water, your body bar takes a hit whenever you get hurt (even from stuff like stepping on a rusty nail that can cause an infection that slowly drains health), and your mind meter is constantly dropping and needs to be sustained with whatever substances you can find, from wine to opium.

It's also not shy about sex and violence. You can lose limbs, which affects your ability to wield weapons, you can chop them off to prevent infection, you can use found limbs as weapons. There are several gods and their cults in the game and receiving their blessings can help you tremendously, but their rituals involve things like orgies, human sacrifice, and cannibalism. The game has a wonderfully bleak and beautiful artsyle, where the environments are decorated with torture devices, corpses and skeletons in various stages of decay or mutation, strange plants, tons of other shit that I don't want to spoil.

Fear and Hunger also has this incredible/awful mechanic where your whole game can evaporate on a literal coin toss. Certain enemy moves or rituals, or even saving the fucking game, require a coin toss where you literally lose everything if you fail it, and the death scenes are... pretty graphic. My first death involved character being chained to a torture table and having my limbs and genitals cut off one by one by the torture master on the second floor. I picked the wrong conversation option.

Every choice you can make in the game could go in any way. You never know who to trust, which way to go, or if the floor is going to collapse under you. This game makes you fucking insane, it's bleak and horrible but somehow it's so charming and beautiful at the same time. It punishes you SO HARD for your fuck ups, but getting it right is SO REWARDING. The dungeons seem endless with so much to explore, so many interesting enemies and such intricate lore and world building. It's a LOT and it's definitely not for everyone, but if you're the kind of person who likes a challenge as well as a fair amount of horror and storytelling in your games, you will LOVE it.

I haven't played the sequal, Fear and Hunger: Termina because even though I've been playing the first game for months I'm still not finished haha. Apparently Termina is even BIGGER with more characters and backstory and laakhsgdhsjahgshddjd. I'm trying to pace myself hahaha.

I got it pretty cheap on steam and I'm pretty sure it's only available on PC. The controls are so simple you could play it on an old SNES controller, which I'm a big fan of cos I am not the kind of gamer who has the patience to learn complicated multi button moves and shit. 4 direction keys, yes and no, straight into the game. The combat is turn-based which I enjoyed a lot because once you have a few other party members you can strategise your way through most fights.

It's definitely the kind of game where I've found myself keeping the wiki page open in the background because the game explains NOTHING to you and you have to figure everything out step by step. It makes you work for every tiny morsel of progress or story it feeds you. It pavlovs you into having visceral reactions to small sounds. It's a horrifying masterpiece and one of the most beautiful pieces of art I've ever experienced. I might have already been driven insane by it though.

So yeah, that's my current obsession in a nutshell. Thanks for coming to my ted talk :3

#funger #i like this game A LOT #can you tell?

[drbased]

Nothing quite like reaching 30 and finally having a label to describe a condition that's plagued your entire existence for about 20 years, only to finally start to share that language with others and get the inevitable 'that only exists in the only existence you have, it's actually valid and you're totally normal so why even put a name to it'. Fuck you, if we can say someone has a sweet tooth, or a bad temper, then we can name other things.

For the record, I'm still stuck on whether or not the PDA is specifically evidence that I'm actually autistic, or rather it's something I induced in myself - because I've described on this blog before about my big mental awakening and rapid period of growth. I learned a lot about how I've been suppressing basically all parts of myself that are human, I've been suppressing all things I want to do, even on a micro scale, and finally embracing that and listening to myself has been such a tremendous journey, a moment-to-moment struggle to rebuild a relationship with my own selfhood that's ultimately worth it because I was living in literal hell before, and i've finally learned to truly love myself - and I also beat depression because of it, so...

But the PDA still persists. It's not as bad as it was, but I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope with my personality. I have to. keep. going. with listening to myself, negotiating with myself and doing what I want to do, moment to moment, and so far I've been able to utilise that in my hobbies - the final frontier is the job. Unless you've lived with that buzzing anxiety, that feeling of trapped-ness, that I used to experience 24/7, unless you have to live with the existential terror of getting really into something for like, a day, and the suddenly never wanting to touch it ever again as if it was someone else's interest this whole time, even though you know you would like the activity but it's almost as if there's a toddler in your head that just doesn't want to do things and you can't reason with them and it feels as if there's a huge disconnect between your conscious self and the rest of your self and you feel so fractured and terrified and you're desperate to know 'is this actually just who I am that would be OK in other circumstances, or is this a product of some sort of disorder, or is this is a trauma response to childhod abuse' and that loops around and around in your head for almost 20 years nonstop - yeah, you don't get to decide how I get to label my suffering, let alone 'lol' about it.

It's so fucking useful to have the short-hand. Someone lent me a book and I was able to say, knowing me there's a chance that purely because I've been lent a book and therefore there is a deadline and an obligation to return the book in good condition to a friend who might judge me, there's a strong likelihood that I will perhaps never read this book. I was able to SAY THAT. I can just do that, now! I can just say, this is how I am, instead of having all this bubble constantly under the surface turning me into a nervous wreck 24/7. I have a VOICE. That's IMPORTANT.

#gpoy

[the-trans-dragon]

One time I mentioned I have super horrible seasonal allergies (which I haven't experienced since 2019 because apparently a mask totally protects me from them????? Wish I had been doing that earlier instead of getting steroid shots and still having symptoms so bad it kept me awake at night but that's another story)

And someone was like "oh it's cos kids don't get exposed to nature enough. Back in my day we were outside all the time and never had allergies and" etc etc

I told her that, uh, I grew up in the country and spent a huge portion of my childhood outdoors getting muddy and running through fields and rivers and climbing trees and I'd only moved into a town/city as an adult. So she was like "Oh. Huh. Idk then."

And I was ruminating on that interaction, despite it being years ago, and thinking to myself "I sure did grow up exposed to nature! Exposed to all sorts of stuff. The walls of our house was only A Single Cinderblock thick so the Nature came in all the time through the cracks. (The bricks were filled with mics as "insulation" and it blew in, too).

About half the time, the wind was strong enough to blow air down from the attic, which no one has been in for decades and smells like its been a bathroom/cemetery for mice and rays for decades, and I'd hang a sheet from my bedroom doorway (didnt have a door) to keep the smell out.

And the river I played in was so polluted. Slightly upriver was a little side stream where some farmer dumped all of his trash--old lumbar and old car parts and tires and old appliances and God knows what else--and it all flowed downstream to where i'd play, where it also smelled heavily of cow manure because it used to be a "this is where the cows get rounded up and kept in a small area before getting loaded onto a truck and sent off" area.

And we had well water so that was our water for showering and brushing our teeth and washing dishes. We didn't drink it, but we drank someone else's well water (once a week we drove about 30 minutes to my grandparent's house and filled up big water jugs to take home because their water was nicer). Our water often had black flakes, and often smelled of sulfur. We got it tested once and they sent back a letter that was like DO NOT FUCKING DRINK YOUR WATER. BOILING IT WONT HELP. DO NOT DRINK IT.

And that was BEFORE the oil fields came and put a rig on every mile section and did waste-water injection and made the air smell like melting plastic and one time lightning struck one and it fucking EXPLODED about a mile away. Which is perhaps irrelevant, but still worth complaining about because, y'know, no one was out in the country except us so we were the ones who reported things like that, and then someone would drive an hour or so from a city and so it just sat there HISSING violently like some eldritch beast and thankfully didnt explode again but god knows what got thrown into environment from it. Also it was a mile away but the hiss was Loud and it was a fucking Experience to stand outside in a big thunderstorm and hear a HISSSSSSSSSSSSS coming from the entire sky, louder than the thunder, trying to see if anything was on fire while the entire storming sky was filled with a terrifying angry steady hiss like some angry storm dragon.

And then I was thinking...Huh. Maybe I'm lucky I don't have *more* health issues, considering all of...that. Considering the mica, and the rotting smell blowing down from the attic. I can't imagine what type of mold spores came from the attic. I can't imagine what types of metals and fertilizers and pesticides were in the river. God knows what got into the well water from the fracking, or if it was okay to live in air that smelled like smoldering plastic for years.

#sorenhoots

[whomst-is-hex]

hi im a cis (late teenage) woman who was a transgender man for like 5 years and just recently figured out im not. throughout that whole period there was so so so much fear about how people around me would view me, and it was a very insecure time. BUT, unlike the general expectation of detrans (the asshole idea that transitioning was for trends) i'm really fucking glad i did it.

before i fully started going by he/him and Marcus, i had a couple months where i was just switching from gender to gender, sexuality to sexuality, because i just recently started comprehending queer people and was desperately searching for identity and community. i settled on the name and pronouns one day at a playground, where i told a stranger around my age my name was Marcus and i am transgender. i told my parents shortly after (i told my parents everything in that regard) and right after that i started to strip away anything remotely girlish about myself, which i kinda started doing anyway after i started to call myself a lesbian.

a few years in i started to notice that the "femininity" was around anyway. i admired my silhouette sometimes in the mirror, but quickly switched to trying to flatten my chest. i loved being masculine, i loved passing, but i really also loved my body in all of its generally-percieved-as-woman-ness. this pretty much balanced me out for the last couple years. i stopped trying desperately to pass, and started to accept myself as inherently masculine without binding or vocal exercises (and even in drag, which i still really fucking love doing)

and now we're at a few months ago, where i presented fully female for 30 days as an experiment. obviously my brain had went through SO many chemical changes, and i think just general maturity caused me to click and realize that i don't want this anymore. not to say that young trans people are immature, or that being a man is low, i just started to realize that i messed up and taught myself to fit in another box that i didn't fully want.

right now, i have ditched that box all together. but now i know that it never had to be a box to begin with. i believe that i really was a man for that period of time, even when i admired my curves and face and voice. i was looking for identity, and i found it. but now, i'm sort of a different person with different needs in life and myself. and because i had that experience of rapid change, experimentation, insecurity, and self love, i really really know how to be a woman now. and like the post i reblogged just before writing this says, being a woman doesnt have to mean much in terms of differences. in my case, it means that i am not the basic cisgender bisexual woman cutout i was terrified of becoming when i was younger. and it means im keeping marcus as my name, and my dead-name remains as my middle name.

my point with this was to catalogue my experience, but i think i really need to bring up how actual trans people experiment at all sorts of ages, and it works for them pretty damn well. i have friends who experimented just as much as i did and are way more cemented in their transgender identity than i ever was. i think its also important to say that my experience happens a lot as well. brains change, people change, and i've heard of trauma messing with identities too. point is, we have Got to stop generalizing trans and detrans people, or at least catch ourselves when we do. brains are so goddamned complicated and we dont even know everything about gender. what we do know is it changes sometimes, its unpredictable, and its across all cultures. like my dad says, the minute you figure out something about yourself, itll change. and i believe having a brain that doesnt change is no way to live

TL;DR: i was transgender, now im not, im happy, people are happy being trans or cis sometimes and thats cool as hell. dont be an asshole and stop trying to assume things about people like identity that shit sucks

#queer #transgender #detransition #talking #trans is holy #trans is beautiful #gender is holy #gender is beautiful #love is real

[icedmetaltea]

x

I feel pretty close to doing it ngl. Today was... horrible. Is. It's only 2pm now. Who knows what else could happen between now and tomorrow.

I've been so on edge, unable to calm myself down. On the verge of a panic attack constantly, then having a small one for like 30+ mins... I got my mom to come up here and spend some time w/ me but she was obviously distracted. We ended up talking while I drew, weighing options.

I need the fluid from my ears gone so my anxiety can finally begin to calm down. I can't go anywhere in the car though without having horrifically bad panic attacks, so I'm terrified of driving anywhere, and seeing how the nearest clinic is 30 mins?? Fuck that.

Wondering where I'm going to spend the winter... or even the next month. I should probably be in a mental institution till they can figure out what tf is wrong with me and get me on the appropriate meds. The therapist yesterday said there's a possibility I have bipolar disorder, and that would explain why I feel so unbearably unstable if so. Again, though, the nearest would be at least a 40+ min drive. Wouldn't fix the ear issue.

I can't stay here in this camper bc it's not an all-season one. It's getting cold out, nearing October and I've barely able to comprehend it.

I can't stay in Virginia cause if I stayed with my sib again, well, they're planning to move to New York soon and they're taking the kittens with them ofc. And they seem much happier without me there. If I stay with my sister, she's busy with a job and 2 kids. I can't have one of my screaming panic attacks in front of them.

So yeah. I feel trapped. In my own head from the muffled hearing, in life since idk where I'm going to be in the next month or two, also just knowing nobody wants me around. I know my mom would be so much happier if I wasn't there, free to be with her husband and go about their daily lives without dealing with a load of baggage like me.

She snapped at me when I mentioned suicide and while I can understand why, it still hurt. She said she had a migraine and needed to leave so I'm alone again. Alone with crippling anxiety and racing thoughts. Alone without a solid ground to stand on. Alone without knowing where I'll end up in a month, knowing I'm unwanted to my whole family even if they reassure me, alone in knowing that if I do end up staying in an institution I'll have basically nothing to do but be completely alone with my thoughts around strangers who are possibly loud and/or aggressive. Alone. Just alone.

And yea, suicide is looking like more and more of a good plan. If I go through with it, I should do it here while I'm surrounded by all these guns. On the other hand, I'd have to go out in the woods where my mom wouldn't find me, at least not till I'm unrecognizable. On the other hand I keep telling myself this is temporary and eventually my hearing will come back, eventually I'll live somewhere where I'm wanted and don't have to worry about suddenly having the rug pulled from under my feet, but come on. I've been telling myself that since my friend left. It's been 3 months and it's only gotten worse. I'm worse off than ever. I need help and idk how to get it here. I'm in counselling, I have a doctor who can give me meds, but it's still somehow not enough. My mind keeps screaming out, demanding my attention, trying to protect me from what, suffocation? I know it's irrational but it's been plaguing my thoughts. And idk if therapy can help. Not in time, at least.

So yeah, I just keep telling myself things will get better, but I'm beginning to think that I'm just a horrible liar.

On something more positive I guess, I called the crisis line my therapist recommended and for once someone was there to talk me through a panic attack. The last time I called while I was in VA, they basically just said idk go to ER I guess?? But no the lady sat with me for like 20+ mins. I was still on the verge of a panic attack (and tbh still am) but idk it was nice. I've always heard panic attacks aren't "serious enough" for crisis lines but she said I could call anytime.

Cause like... the panic attacks I've been having aren't normal. They aren't the kind I'd be able to manage back in the day. They're all-consuming, they make me feel like I'm choking/going insane/passing out all at once, they make me scratch myself till I bleed, they make me scream. Maybe that is just bc my hearing is still muffled (and again idk how tf to deal with that) but yeah....

Having the weight of that looming over me with no end in sight also makes the idea of suicide look very pretty and convenient. It'd hurt, but just for a moment, not like these horrible long nights with racing thoughts, broken sleep full of nightmares, the choking feeling in my throat constant and unforgiving.

What do I still have to live for? Like 5 things idk. 1. guilt bc I'd feel bad about mom finding me since she's so sensitive. 2. OFMD s2, 3. Drawing??, 4. Finishing fics??? Idk., 5. I genuinely cannot find a 5th one and that scares me.

Zen, if you're still alive, congrats. You've done it. Your absence completely and utterly ruined my life. I will never be the same again.

My body is actively trying to kill me. I just wish it'd do it sooner, in one fell swoop, fucking give me a heart attack or something. I'm tired of the constant anxiety, the creeping depression, losing all interest and passion and the little things that make me...

yeah. I think I will. I just don't know what way I will. Or when. If life is worth living, then it better give me a fucking miracle real fucking soon. I can't take this anymore. I really can't. I want to get out, I want to get out, I want to get out. I'm tired, I'm aching, I'm scared, I'm guilty, I'm useless. I need help but there's none. Next therapy appointment isn't till monday and wtf are they going to do?? I need to be in an institution and the nearest one is so far away. I'm trapped. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help.

But at the same time I don't want help. I've been asking for it so much, using people, and for what? I'm still going to go through with it. What's it matter?

Why help someone who's more or less already sealed their fate? Besides, it's not like I'll miss much. The world is getting worse and worse. Rights being taken away left and right. Why bother living?

#irl stuff #vent #tw suicide #suicide #suicidal thoughts #mental health #99% sure the antibiotics are making me have some kinda psychotic breakdown #I literally cannot stop having these racing thoughts #I won't take anymore #if I go to an instiution what'll they put me on? #What if it makes things worse? What if I do have bipolar? #Even then I'd have to go to VA bc that's where I have medicaid #my god I've been costing mom and dad so much money #on more and more prescriptions that don't end up working #delete later

[sluttyapplesforyou]

Let's talk about how absolutely horrible Amber Heard is.

Trigger warning for extremely graphic depictions of DV and threatening someone's life.

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According to what evidence I've been able to gather, she is absolutely horrible. Let's look at the evidence.

In these images, you'll see a side by side comparison of AH and other DV victims.

After being beat by Johnny, she came out with naught but a small "bruise" under her eye, while real victims came out looking much worse from less. The photos of her and Johnny together are no makeup shoots, meaning that after being dragged on glass, being beat for around 7 minutes, and apparently sustaining a multitude of injuries, she looked fine, acted fine, and was fine.

In these images, you'll see;

- Amber admitting to being absuive

- Amber being a drug addict

- Getting arrested for hitting her girlfriend of the time

- Not keeping her story of how Johnny's finger tip was severed straight 3 times in a row

- Smirking while Johnny recounted his detox experience

- Admitting to falsifying documents and not giving the money, 7 million dollars, to the charity she promised it to

- Quoting movies when she was describing Johnny Depp

In these images, you'll see Amber Heard's arm bruise, which shows her face and neck, which as no bruises, even though those parts of her body were also allegedly bruised from abuse, and an image of her with no bruises only a day after her alleged abuse, with evidence that Johnny may have been bruised at that event as well at the Met Gala of 2014.

In this image, you see some of her coworkers talking about how she never pulled punches on them in scenes, despite the fact that she did for her female coworkers.

Lastly, we'll be taking a look at a text message conversation of Amber talking with a friend, speaking about how easy it'd be to kill her husband, Johnny Depp.

Let me write the text messages out for you to make it more clear;

01/13/2015 (Tuesday)

(FA24 00278166 Josh)

Hey lady, I'm going to make us some dinner when I get back from the airport. You or JD interested in joining us? (9:03:44PM)

Duh (9:35:44PM)

(FA24 00278167 AH)

(FA24_00278168 Josh)

Get the fuck out of here! That's awesome (9:37:52PM)

(FA24 00278169 Josh)

No problem. we'll bring it over when it's ready (9:37:52PM)

((FA24 00278170 AH)

But Johnny is getting my tattoo tonight at the house (9:37:52PM)

(FA24_00278171 AH)

9:30 would be prefect because it gives j and I time to talk- otherwise know as me threatening his life if he misbehaves while I'm gone

(9:40:00PM)

(FA24 00278172 Josh)

I think 9:30-ish for dinner probe (9:40:00PM)

(FA24_00278173 Josh)

We'll keep an eye on him (9:40:00PM)

(FA24_00278174 Josh)

probs* (9:40:00PM)

(FA24 00278175 Josh)

I'm picking her up around 8 or so (9:40:00PM)

(FA24_00278176 AH)

J and I have to have a little talk tonight when we get home. Probably til like 8, and then we're cool. Rock gets in at 930 right? you guys want to come over after that and hang and eat and drink ???? (9:40:00PM)

(Perfect 9:42:08PM)

(FA24 00278177)

(AH)

(FA24_00278178 Josh)

I'll bring them just in case (9:42:08PM)

Good man (9:42:08PM)

(FA24_00278179 A H)

Hahahhaha (9:42:08PM)

FA24 00278180 (AH)

So pretty (9:42:08PM)

(FA24_00278181)

(AH)

Oh no. That'd be far too easy (9:42:08PM)

(FA24 00278182 AH)

(FA24 00278183)

(Josh)

Oh Amber, you don't use it, you just show them to him 9:42:08PM

(FA24 00278184)

(Josh)

(ATTACHED FILE OR LINK 9:42:08PM)

This was the attachment.

I guess I could reconsider (9:42:08PM)

(FA24 00278186 AH)

(EXHIBIT 9)

(Joshua Drew)

(FA24_00278187 AH)

Wow (9:42:08PM)

(11/19/19)

(FA24_00278188)

(Josh)

I have a giant new knife you can borrow if you like (9:42:08PM)

Just in case this conversation wasn't clear enough, here is the normal sized conversation picture.

It's fucking terrifying that NO ONE talks about this conversation. She literally threatened his LIFE. His LIFE. People still have the gall to say "She's innocent," and disregard all this evidence?

#amber heard is a liar #amber heard is an abuser #johnny depp is innocent #justice for johnny depp #amberheardisapsychopath #tw amber heard

[msfbgraves]

Thrifting: a way to help yourself and others when disabled

My mother grew up in a family that was constantly penny pinching and she hated it. My father was so cheap other people made fun of him or complained bitterly (my parents made an interesting couple). My ass is disabled so "just getting a job" was never on the table. Employment has always been an unreliable option - not impossible, but tumultuous. So saving money has always been a keen interest. But doing it right, like. I feel that people use it as an option to shaft someone, even themselves, and I do not hold to that. Also, you cannot thrift yourself out of insufficient funds. You need mo money, you need mo money. But we also know that society loves an excuse to underpay people, deny promotions and fuck you over in a million different ways no matter how hard you work.

Thrifting is work that will always yield results, no matter who you are, and a good skill to have when mf's keep finding excuses to not pay you, or even employ you. It's even better when you're in a position to say, hm, more would be nice, but I'm staying afloat. Again, this is no feckin bootstrap talk. This is getting more bang for your buck.

And especially during Disability Pride this actually makes me proud to be able to do. Without hurting anyone, for one, and actually helping those without the time for it. I can find The Thing for less for them very often.

OK, first things first.

This is not self-denial 101. Fuck off with that. We want more joy maximisers, not fewer.

The Vimes boots theory is 100% correct. But there are plenty of places where $50 boots are sold for $25 or even $20. Yes, in Ankh Mopork too.

Skills are cash money. I should know, I barely have any.

Many people think that thrifty means "cheap" and "no fun". And that's what people do. "Whelp, I have to economise, so I can't have any treats and can only shop at Primark. Bummer! I hate life."

No, you're going to have to put some more time in preparation, and you need to figure out where to look.

It's an activity.

The first thing I would advise people to do is clean their stuff up. Told you this was work. And that may feel terrifying but if you know what you have you find things you thought you needed to buy. That's an immediate savings without pain. C'mon, do you really think you'd get a high from buying oregano? Of course not, and now you don't have to. You've probably slashed off 25% off your grocery bill for the week without going without anything you look forward to buying. King shit.

You probably have a keen sense of what you need to replace and since you're already going to Goodwill, look there. A lot of second hand is higher quality, and even if it's not, it can still be 25 to 80% below dollar store.

All that extra space will come in handy for buying things and storing them until gift giving season arrives, or birthdays and the like.

Gifts are insanely important. Don't skimp on the quality of something you buy for others. Find the place that stunts with that item. Here, time is your friend, too. If you can wait three weeks for it to ship, you can take advantage of a lower price nearly always.

Ask people what you're looking for and spruce the thing up when they offer it to you. Again, here the skills are a lifesaver.

Personalise. Any small thing that actually fits a recipient will be much appreciated. Gift wrap with care, write a kind message. But only do this when you can't find a "normal" gift for a better price. If you can find a steal, still gift wrap with care.

Do treat yourself! But treat it as anything else you want: best quality for the best price. This can also mean adding a top up. For instance: I generally know what the best bang for your buck is when it comes to theatrical shows: the last preview. Saw a show during the last try out, but spent $30 extra on seats. More expensive than just regular seats, vastly better experience. I did find a discount on parking too - who tf likes to pay for parking anyway?

Buy clothing that fits your body shape. That's what makes you look good. Vintage is fine, who cares if you wear something high quality that looks gorgeous?

Learn what stuff is made of. I bought a stick of foot balm that is supposed to prevent blisters. Felt suspiciously like vaseline. Next time I succesfully used vaseline.

Something I never hear but I find very useful: go on and try the hideously expensive option if possible. See what the fuss is about. Incorporate the thing you like most about it in your routine, don't bother with the rest. Other end of the spectrum: do a taste test with store brand. If it's bad, now you know. If it's good, no one will notice.

Loyalty programmes can be your friend, if you don't look at them as the default option. Do sign up, don't get mad if they keep taking away your credit. Every time they give you something for what you would have done anyway is a win.

Shop around for better banking fees. Who the hell wants to pay those anyway.

Try to pay for what you want and only what you want. Review any package deal; they're rarely worth it.

Try something a little bit different, if you have the skill to back it up. Go do things "people like you don't do". Slovenian wine, people.

Be consistently nice, and people will gladly help you with things. Can be a huge savings. Give where and what you can.

Take the bus, geezus. All that nonsense about it being a poor people thing or dangerous when travelling. How do you think locals get home?

Again I am aware this is work and of course, nobody can do all of it all the time. But I know a lot of people who start by slashing the joy, but why would you? Have your latte! Take your trip! Have your avocado and triple organic eggs. Think about where and when you buy things instead, and be a little adventurous.

If you're disabled with limited energy, this is a way you can help out those around you. Maybe you can do it for them. I am proud of all the ways I have saved my friends and family money without compromising on quality at all. I promise you: loyalty discounted organic chicken thighs with store brand cream cheese blanched in leftover white wine sauce with $0.40 worth of pasta are really damn yummy. And those $40 dollars saved on a taxi because I found the right bus on a trip are welcome too.

People mostly don't want to do this work. But if you can, and know how, you can be a great help to those you love.

#thrifting #disability