#and bucky being *electroshocked* again and again into forgetting steve

[lungthief]

listen. i know it's not 2014 anymore and i know it's just a throwaway line and that the russo brothers didnt intend for marvel action blockbuster captain america the winter soldier to become the tragic gay love story that never was but man. having steve say "it's kind of hard to find someone with shared life experience" in a conversation about romantic relationships right before the bucky reveal is so cruel. it's not just about steve and bucky obviously having the shared experience of being "out of time," it's the fact that they've both been stripped of their humanity in opposite directions. steve is a legend, he is an american hero and a national icon before he is a human being the same way that bucky is a weapon and a killing machine before he is a human being. steve knows that anyone who falls in love with him in the 21st century fell in love with captain america first, and that's just not him. but then the one person who knew him first and knew him best and loved him (not captain america, that little guy from brooklyn) so much he died for it is alive, impossibly. and it's a miracle because he's back and it's horrific because he's back under the worst possible circumstances. but to steve, the winter soldier is worth tearing the world apart for because he's always been bucky first. they find each other and suddenly they're human again. and maybe, despite it all, being "out of time" becomes a blessing, because in this century they'd finally be allowed to love each other the way they've always wanted to. like real people do.

like. no. the captain america trilogy isn't about two queer men traumatized and alienated by war and modern life rediscovering and reclaiming their humanity through their love for each other. but. i mean. it couldve been

#like you get why all the fics about those two are insane right. the narrative is just so goddamn compelling #and thats not even getting into the whole thing abt the serum curing steve of every ailment except his love for bucky #which makes him realize it was never an ailment to begin with (despite the commonly held beliefs about homosexuality in the 1940s) #and bucky being *electroshocked* again and again into forgetting steve #like howd you make your gay ass movie that gay and not realize it. its kinda impressive #sorry for the ridiculous stucky retrospective its 4am and i rewatched the winter soldier recently #its not that deep. its not its not its not . but if it was anything other than what it is it could have been. and thats the worst part #shut up riley #marvel #stucky

[bubbletimestories]

Like a balm on frozen wounds (Bucky x Hydra nurse reader)

First of all, thank you @harlekin6 for the original idea. I'm sure it doesn't suits what you had in mind but I loved the idea of an HYDRA nurse taking care of Bucky so...thank you and lot of kisses.

Summary : What if you were an HYDRA nurse, taking care of Bucky as they try to turn him into a weapon ? What if you were his only spark of light and warmth in the painful darkness ?

Warning : maybe blood, pain, mention of torture, manipulation

Themes : hurt Bucky, HYDRA, healing, torture, comfort, love

*******************************

The ambient humidity makes the walls ooze, giving the impression that they are dripping with black, foul-smelling blood. The hour of glory is far away, the Führer is dead and they had to flee, hide far away in the mountains while waiting for less gloomy hours. In the stench of failed machinations and scientific manipulations, HYDRA continues its experiments in the hope of being ready for a new golden age. Screams tear the silence, an agony that never seems to end even though the person strapped to the table is more dead than alive. His forehead is dripping with sweat, his bones are burning, and his gaze is veiled and haggard like that of an ox at the slaughterhouse. Around him, men in soiled blouses talk, put away their instruments. It is still a failure, it will be necessary to do it again. The same scene seems to repeat itself over and over again and the progress is so slight ... With a weary gesture, a man asks guards to transport the patient to his room, they clean the fluids on the icy tiles, they drag the young man in his dark cell, the rusty door of which is slammed, not without a frail figure having slipped inside. The prisoner must be treated well or there will be no other experience.

The spectacle is more heartbreaking with each visit, the once-vigorous body slumped against the wall, silent and listless. Gently, you wipe the wet forehead, the drool on his chin and above all, you speak to him in a low voice, almost caressing like a lullaby. At first, he refused your presence, being cold and ironic in front of a HYDRA nurse. It took a while for him to accept that you were a prisoner too, refusing your attempts at treatment even though he had never gone too, never violent. You remain a woman and he a gentleman. At least he was. Now the electroshock has burned his humanity, destroyed his sanity even though he still happens to be himself again when calm returns, which he can think a bit. At such times, he repeats his registration number, random words or even first names: Steve, Rebecca... These moments are shorter and shorter, more and more rare but still present. You are now the only one who can hear James B. Barnes and not an empty shell.

"... er ... newspapers ... shoes ... shoes ..."

The prisoner rolls his eyes and mumbles in a broken voice, gradually regaining his foothold in reality after locking himself in to avoid the pain. You suppress a painful sigh as you help him change position. As delicately as possible, you heal his wounds, your eyes moist as every time you see him in this state. A gleam passes through the tired blue eyes and James waves his one arm, too weak to touch you.

- Y/N... Y/N...

- Yes, it's me, Mr. Barnes, it's me. Don't worry, you are safe for now.

A shiver runs through the young man as his face seems to express a little relief, he lets himself go against your hand as you heal his temples. You are not allowed to call him by his real name, you are forbidden to speak to him but whatever, you are not afraid of dying. All that matters to you is to stay close to him, to comfort him. You are the only glimmer of hope and life in the perpetual fog of his existence. Your hand stops for a moment on his unshaven cheek, under your fingers you can feel his face, emaciated by hunger and suffering.

"I'm gonna take care of you, James, I'm there. Don't worry, rest if you can. I won't leave."

No one will be looking for you for hours, you can stay hiding here with the patient, speak quietly to him to chase away the darkness a little. But first, he has to eat, even if it's an infamous cold porridge. With any luck, no rat will have had time to taste it. Making sure James is seated, you pick up the spoon and help him bring it to his mouth, guiding his heavy, aching hand. If they continue to be so violent, he will soon no longer be able to feed himself, you will have to help him. HYDRA doesn’t understand anything, it is just a bunch of brutal and cruel animals. Slowly, very slowly, Bucky comes to his senses a little, eats with more ease even if he remains leaning against you to enjoy your warmth. The idea of ​​kissing you crosses his mind but he still feels too weak right now. His stump hurts, it took all your energy to keep him from succumbing to the fever caused by the infection. You know the doctors have plans, they want to put a prosthesis on him, but as long as he's not a little more docile, it's impossible. One day he will crush them all under his fist.

- Dance... me...

- Promise, when you'll feel better. We'll go to dance.

Your voice shakes a bit, as always when he says he would like to dance with you. When he'll be free, he's gonna thank you, be a charming man like he used to be. Obviously, his thoughts are not that clear but it doesn't matter. Feelings remain. Exhausted, his eyes closed and he slowly falls on your lap to enjoy a little bit of peace, a few hours of rest. As always, you walk with the movement, a cool hand on his forehead as you part the long brown brands to clear his face. Sometimes you happen to hum to help him fall asleep, you love more than anything to see James's face relax as he sinks into unconsciousness and oblivion. In your arms he can taste a little peace and that's all that matters.

"Sleep, sweet soldier. You are safe with me."

He looks much younger when he is enveloped in sleep, sometimes you forget he's only in his twenties. All these tortures, these sessions of electroshock to break, it will end up killing him or turning him into a powerless vegetable. HYDRA scientists are fools, as if sheer violence can produce a result. You know that human beings need comfort, to feel safe. You have to be able to tame an animal other than with a whip. Governing by fear leads to rebellion sooner or later. But ruling from the heart is a more subtle game that pays bigger dividends.

"I'm gonna take care of you, don't worry ..."

Admittedly, James' enslavement produces faster results now that he is only a shadow of himself than if he had had all of his mental and physical faculties. The poor man is in so much pain that he is no longer able to think, not really. Slipping you next to him, caressing his bruised soul is extremely easy, your gentleness creates a flagrant contrast with the tortures of HYDRA, like a balm on burns. He may already whisper your name in his sleep, immediately relaxing upon contact with you. They want to break the soldier, you have already figured out how to reshape him into a more submissive being.

Footsteps are being heard outside, it is time for you to slip away so as not to arouse suspicion. You kiss tenderly the dry mouth of the young man and you feel him respond to your kiss, weakly but with a sigh of pleasure. Whatever they do with him, you know that what you have implanted is deeper, more undetectable. No violence, no key words or manual of instructions. So you come out of the cell with a smile, knowing full well that you will see him again soon. Day after day, you are there to comfort him, to rock him with sweet words by telling him that he is safe with you, that you are going to take care of him. Gratitude mixes with docile love, how could it be otherwise? You are his whole universe, his light in the frozen darkness.

As time goes by, HYDRA's haphazard method begins to bear fruit and they finally get the weapon they dreamed of. Of course, the Winter Soldier still gets startled, wants to attack his masters but he is gentle as a lamb under your hand, hugging you, kissing your lips devoutly, visiting your body like a sacred temple. It doesn't matter if they put him in a box while waiting for him to serve the interests of some madman, you know he will wake up just as amorous and docile and that you will be there to welcome him, whatever the time.

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #fic #HYDRA #manipulation #comfort

[tocxmply]

FIRST INCARCERATION [sources: click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click]

         why was Bucky chosen to become the Winter Soldier? we don’t really have evidence that he was initially chosen specifically, and it is likely that his fate came out of a succession of events — the 107th were no doubt offered to Arnim Zola to be used in human experimentation, to endorse HYDRA’s attempt at synthesizing their own version of the super-serum — and super-soldier. we’re not told exactly how many prisoners underwent experimentation nor what happened to them but, based on the events that happen at the factory in “Captain America: The First Avenger”, it is not far-fetched to assume that only Bucky survived said experimentation — which, obviously, makes him an invaluable specimen for Zola, if he wants his breakthrough to continue. we also see that Zola really isn’t happy with Red Skull’s idea to blow up the building, and how he scampers away to gather as much of his notes and research as he can — it is very possible that he considered Sergeant Barnes lost at this point, but if he managed to save his annotations on the progress so far then, at the very least, he could eventually start anew with some other unfortunate guinea pig.

         the encounter by that makeshift bridge between Steve, Bucky, Red Skull, and Zola is also highly significant in its symbolic value — while Steve and Red Skull are engaged in their verbal and physical confrontation, Bucky and Zola are instead focused on one another �� on one end, having traumatic recollection of everything this insane doctor has already done to him and, on the other, realizing that Captain America may well be able to save Sergeant Barnes, and it might pay to go looking for him later on. after all, and as mentioned, Bucky was the only one able to 1) survive the impact of a proto-serum in his organism and 2) someone that Zola had already begun tampering with (i will expand on this one idea in the next paragraphs). therefore, i personally interpret this as, whereas Bucky might not have been specifically chosen to be injected with proto-serum (mostly, he was at the wrong place during the wrong time, and ironically surviving the test granted him a fate worse than death), he was most definitely pinpointed by Arnim Zola to be capitalized on — to be retrieved, later on, so that he could continue his experiments where they were stopped and based on the data he already collected.

now, this meta will split into two major points i want to address.

1. CONSEQUENCES OF THIS FIRST INCARCERATION

         when Steve finds Bucky in the factory, strapped to that experimentation bench, he’s very clearly not aware of reality — he’s repeating his name + number + rank in a mechanical manner, which can be taken as a sign of having been tortured up until recently, and he’s not even aware that he’s now on his own and that the entire building is about to go up in a blast. with Steve’s help, he snaps out of this daze but promptly shows difficulties to stand up and walk on his own — though, at the same time, he doesn’t need too long to recover from this. this is a clear sign he was already injected with the proto-serum, which allows for this hasty recovery of his physical body (and which, later on, will also explain how he was able to survive the fall from that train).

         whereas Bucky seems to be mostly fine at a physical level, however, sporting “only” a few bruises and internal bleeding in his left ear, it is clear that his demeanor hits a turning point at this moment. for example, during the scene where the soldiers are returning to/ entering the military camp, we can see the grievous expression on Bucky’s face, even when Steve smiles at him. a few minutes later, Bucky is the first one raising Captain America and demanding applause and cheer for him, and here, yes, he is smiling — however, if we zoom on him during this scene, we can also see that his smile disappears as soon as Steve isn’t looking anymore.

         does this mean that Bucky is now jealous of Steve? is now jealous of the scrawny little sickly boy who, magically, became tall and buff and the new hero of the military and of America in general? i’m gonna go out on a limb (…this is a really bad pun for a Bucky roleplayer, i am v sorry) and say that, yes, yes he is jealous of Steve now. i mean, who in their right mind wouldn’t be, when realizing the wonder that is Captain America? it’s a completely natural and genuine human reaction. however, i also firmly believe that this isn’t a toxic form of envy — as in, because Steve is now better than me, i have to knock him down and ruin it for him. not at all. one, this isn’t the sort of person Bucky has ever been and, two, no way he would have joined the Howling Commands if this was the case. the way i see it, this is more of a “wow everyone loves him now, he doesn’t need me anymore, how can i even compete with this, i will never be this good, probably no one else needs me anymore either”. something that he forces himself to keep hidden, because not only this is war and no one needs to hear his whining but, obviously, Steve is still his beloved best friend. hence, being the first one to cheer on Captain America — even with confusion and insecurity and self-doubt already eating at him from the inside out.

         on the other hand, the undeniable fact that Bucky was tortured in that factory AND already used as a guinea pig. again, we don’t know exactly what was done to him, but it is safe to assume he was injected with the proto-serum against his will — and i think it is also safe to assume that, at least once, he’s been forced through a session of electroconvulsive stimulation/ electroshock (ECS). we can clearly see that the bruises on his face form a pattern along his left cheekbone and forehead, which coincides very much with the position that the Soldier, later on, is placed on the ECS chair for mind wiping (additionally, it is plausible that the internal ear bleeding was caused, precisely, by this machine and the strain/pressure it inflicts). were Bucky’s memories already affected/ twisted at this point? likely not, because it isn’t something that you can achieve in such a brief period of time — at this point, likely, Zola was experimenting with both the proto-serum and this preliminar protocol of ECS, and taking notes on the results both things were provoking so far. nonetheless, there is absolutely no doubt that they configured highly traumatic experiences, and it is these symptoms exactly that i will explore next.

         after the return to the camp, we see Bucky next at the bar, when Steve is recruiting the Commandos — and, whilst he may look the same for the most part, there is an actual rift between this Bucky and the Bucky who joined the military. first and foremost, he clearly stopped caring for his appearance as much as he used to. initially, we see him all composed and prim in his uniform, with the tie and shirt and the hat and all that. he looks impeccable, not only in looks but in body language; he is confident and carefree and charming. now? we see immediately that he didn’t bother to button up his shirt, didn’t bother with a tie, didn’t bother with a hat and practically didn’t bother combing his hair, didn’t bother to shave — which may not seem a big thing by modern standards, but it was a definite faux-pas for a proper gentleman in the 1940s and let alone for a sergeant. lack of self-care is a hallmark of depression, no matter what year it happens at.

         additionally, Bucky’s body language is at the polar opposite end of what it used to be. he still tries to keep his smug facade, yes (for example, he tries to flirt with Peggy), but it’s evident his heart isn’t into it. his mind is somewhere else. he’s doing it, exactly, to keep up the image of everything he used to be. his gaze is mostly vague and not focused on Stave when they talk, he’s slouching both when sitting and when standing up, the tone of voice is monotonous even when he tries to flirt or makes jokes. he also makes comments such as “i’m invisible” or “i’m turning into you, this is a horrible dream” — which can easily be brushed off as joking, should anybody ask, but which are very clearly self-deprecating in their nature. a negative vision of the self and of the self’s worth, which is another hallmark of depression. and let’s not forget that, whilst the Commandos are all banded together and having fun at the other room, Bucky has purposefully secluded himself up until the moment Steve goes to find him — isolation is yet another hallmark. given all these signs, then, i interpret this as Bucky already struggling with depression at this point, caused by 1) Stave’s sudden change that he doesn’t know how to cope with (being genuinely happy for his friend, yes, but now being deprived of a constant in his life), and 2) the violation of human rights and torture he was subjected to at the hand of Zola, that clearly shattered his sense of safety, of agency, and of self-efficacy AND, potentially, began shattering his identity (if Red Skull was injected with serum and became that aberration, is this going to happen to me as well? will i become one of them?).

         at the same time, Bucky is quite clearly dealing with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder as well — being a prisoner of war (and war, by itself) is already enough to provoke this, now imagine also being subjected to human experimentation. we see that, from this moment forth, he never again wears a hat and he never again wears a tie nor any other sort of accessory close to his neck — both clear signs that he isn’t comfortable anymore with anything at all tight around his head/ face/ neck — as it likely reminds him too much of Zola’s creepy, wretched machine. on the other hand, we don’t really see what the daily life of the Commandos is like, but i wouldn’t be surprised if Bucky’s self-care continued to decay throughout the missions.

         so, at this point, what do we have? we have Bucky struggling with symptoms of depression and of post-traumatic stress disorder and dealing with these via denial + dissociation — because we gotta go get HYDRA and there’s no time to properly address any of this. we have Bucky struggling to find a place for himself in this new world, where Steve doesn’t need his protection anymore and, more, Steve has become America’s idol and has set up standards he himself will never be able to achieve. and, yet, we have Bucky trying his best to keep going forward and to keep supporting his friends and his country. we see him with zero hesitation to join the Commandos, even if the prospect of running into HYDRA (particularly, Arnim Zola) again and to possibly be captured once more, no doubt, terrifies him. as it would terrify any human being in their right mind. but he keeps going.

2. THE CHOSEN ONE

         to conclude, this is a really corny title, but it’s how it popped in my mind — because, based on what i have discussed above, i interpret the events at the train as premeditated and not as a coincidence — the Commandos weren’t chasing Zola, Zola was purposefully luring them in by revealing his whereabouts so openly. why? because he wanted to recover his precious experiment and to continue his work. because it was a god-sent that Captain America saved Sergeant Barnes when Zola had already resigned himself to having to start this project from scratch, and he’ll now do whatever it takes to get his hands on him again. for example, we see that Steve and Bucky were purposefully separated in the train, and at no point Bucky was forced to fight an opponent that might seriously risk killing him. and why else would Zola have set up a recording system in the train, if not to keep track of how matters are unfolding? his intention, clearly, was to be rid of/to kill Captain America and, at the same time, to recapture Sergeant Barnes to continue his research. now… of course, the whole Bucky falling off the train was certainly not planned, and by logic it would have ruined Zola’s dream. however, we also see that, later on, when he’s being interrogated, he’s told that he was responsible for the loss of Cap’s dearest friend — and we so clearly see that creepy expression that takes over his face, because he knows what he has done. he knows there is a real chance that the proto-serum might have prevented his guinea pig from dying — and, if he’s lucky enough, HYDRA will find him and keep him safe and sound for him till he can return to the project.

#long post #「ᵐᵉᵗᵃ」ʷᶤᵖᵉ ʰᶤᵐ ᵃᶰᵈ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗ ᵒᵛᵉʳ

[avengerscompound]

Home - Chapter 9

Home: A Captain America Fanfic

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Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers

Word Count:  1928

Warnings:  Angst, parenthood, sexual manipulation, action, injuries, underage drinking and drug-taking.

Synopsis:  16 Years after the death of Daisy, Steve and Bucky have successfully raised two teenage kids with telepathy. Teens are never easy to live with though. Sarah in particular likes to test boundaries. Now on top of all the usual challenges of parenting, they have to deal with troublemaking demigods, a daughter who just wants to be accepted for who she is and running the Avengers. That’s when the children of other super-powered individuals start going missing.

Chapter 9

The satellite scans had found three potential locations that could be used to hold Sarah and have her mind completely hidden from Jamie. One was in the United States, in the middle of Arizona. One was in a remote part of Nunavut, Canada. The final one was in Siberia not far from where the Winter Soldier program had started.

Hearing that made Bucky’s skin crawl and a pit form in his stomach. Somehow he knew. He knew right away that’s where she was. He tried to convince Steve that’s where she was but Steve was sure it would be one of the closer places given how quickly Hydra had been grabbing the children.

They went to investigate the Arizona location first. The group consisted of Steve, Bucky, Jamie, Carol, and Wanda. It was definitely a Hydra base. Jamie knew right away it wasn’t the Hydra base. It was sparsely defended and none of the agents had even passing thoughts about the kidnapped children.

The base was taken quickly. Jamie didn’t even have to Nock an Arrow. Clint had taught him archery and he liked to be the Hawkeye of the group when he could even though he had the strength of his father and could use his mind to incapacitate everyone anyway.

It wasted two days. Bucky started fraying around the edges. He wasn’t sleeping. When he slept he had nightmares. They’d start with him being tortured. Being strapped into a chair while they electroshocked him and experimented on him. While they broke the man he was down and destroyed him and built up a new man in the shell that he’d left for them.

Then they changed. It was Sarah, not him. She called out for them. Begged to be saved. Bucky would sit helplessly watching them break his daughter apart. Then she’d get out of the chair her hair hanging over her face. Raise a gun and shoot him.

Steve tried to reassure him. Nothing he said seemed to help. Bucky paced the halls and considered just leaving on his own to check Siberia. He didn’t know how to fly the Quinjet but he was sure he could convince Natasha to go with him. He was just about to go and call her when the idea hit him and he cursed himself for not thinking about it sooner.

“Loki!” He yelled. “Loki! Get here now!”

There was a shimmer in the air. “What is it now, Barnes? I swear I haven’t been anywhere near your daughter.”

Bucky’s hands tightened into fists. “Do you know where she is?” He growled.

“Did she run away?” Loki laughed. “Oh, Barnes. Can’t even keep tabs on your own blood. Oh but she isn’t your blood is she? How could I forget.”

Bucky snapped. He grabbed Loki by the throat with his cybernetic hand and slammed him against the wall. “Don’t fuck with me, Loki.” He seethed. “I don’t like bringing out the Soldier. But doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Do you know where she is?”

“Of course I do.” Loki scoffed.

Bucky relaxed letting Loki slip from his grip. Loki rubbed his throat where Bucky’s fingers had been. “She’s alive?”

“Yes, she’s alive.”

Hope and relief flooded through Bucky. He started pacing again. “Can you take me to her?”

“That’s not how it works,” Loki said. “What’s happened, Barnes?”

Bucky told Loki everything that had been happening. He spoke quickly but left out no detail.

Loki ran his thumb over his bottom lip. “You must really be desperate to come to me.”

“I am. Tell me where she is.” Bucky yelled.

Loki chuckled and conjured a globe of the Earth. He pointed to a spot in Siberia and Bucky cursed. “How quickly can you get there?” Loki asked.

“It would take four or five hours if I left right now. But I have to convince someone to fly the jet.”  Bucky said.

“Do that. I’ll go to her.” Loki said. Before Bucky had a chance to thank him, he’d disappeared.

Sarah lay on the bench that acted as her bed, curled into a ball and facing the wall. She hadn’t opened her eyes yet, but she’d been awake for hours. Feigning sleep. Waiting for them to come reeducate her.

She had already been through one round of re-education. They had strapped her into a chair. The same one she saw in her dad’s mind all the time. They had put a mouthguard in her mouth and electroshocked her. They then proceeded to continue shocking her between lengthy lectures of how Hydra was the right path. That freedom was a lie. That individuality was a flaw that needed eradicating.

All the while Viper sat watching. She never spoke, but anytime Sarah was able to she would ask Viper how she wanted to die. She would list the ways she was considering killing her. Viper just smiled and watched.

After about four hours they then returned her to her cell and took Danielle.

She had water but they hadn’t fed her since she’d gotten there. Her stomach hurt and she felt light-headed. It was time to act.

Two guards stepped into her room. She kept her breathing deep and calm. Not reacting to the presence in her room.

“Wake up, girl.” A deep, gravelly voice said. A hand was placed on her shoulder and Sarah reacted. She grabbed the arm and slammed the person into the wall above her. With their now unconscious form acting as a shield from the others, she scrambled to free their taser from their belt.

Another form came upon her. She reacted quickly using the taser. She held it against them, holding down the trigger as the form jerked wildly above her. When she released the trigger. She quickly assessed the room. There were two unconscious guards, one male one female. Another male stood at the door. He had his taser out and he’d just gotten his walkie-talkie off his belt. Sarah charged at him. At the last second, she did a roundhouse kick, knocking the walkie-talkie from his hand.

He lunged at her and she grabbed his arm spinning him and slamming his head into the bars of the cell. Grabbing him by the neck she slammed him into the bars again and again.

“Sarah, you’re gonna kill him.” Danielle screeched.

Sarah let him go and started frisking the guards for their weapons and keys. She found two more tasers and two knives as well as the keycards to open the doors and cells of the building. Sarah first went and opened the cells of the other children. Besides Danielle and May Day there was a boy who looked to be around eight years old and didn’t speak any English and a fourteen-year-old girl named Senka.

“What’s your plan?” Senka asked.

“If you cut the thing out of my neck, my powers should kick in. I heal fast. Hopefully faster than it will kill me. But even if it does kill me I can take out everyone in here and you can all get to safety.” Sarah said.

“No, Sarah.” May Day cried. The little redhead hadn’t let go of her since Sarah had opened her cell.

“Do it to me,” Danielle said. “I heal immediately.”

“You sure?” Sarah asked. Danielle nodded.

Sarah moved behind Danielle and ran her fingers over her neck feeling for the little scar where they’d inserted whatever it was that they’d put in them to negate their powers.

“Well, this looks entertaining.”

Sarah looked up at the sound of the cold, familiar voice. Loki leaned against the bars of the cell watching them.

“Loki.” Sarah yelped and ran to him, wrapping her arms around him. May Day followed, relief of seeing a familiar adult taking hold of her. She hugged his leg. Loki hugged Sarah and patted May Day on the back at the two girls both broke into tears.

“What did they do to you?” Loki asked.

“They put something in our necks. It’s shut our powers off.” Sarah said, trying to get control of herself. “We have to hurry, Loki. They’ll be sending more people.”

“Don’t worry, my love. The idiots who work here all think everything is normal for now.” Loki soothed. “Let’s see if I can’t undo what they’ve done.”

Loki turned Sarah to face away from him. His long fingers caressed the skin of her neck. He pulled his knife from its scabbard. “This will hurt, but just for a moment.” He said, softly.

The knife bit into her skin and he pressed down. Sarah clenched her teeth, unwilling to show any weakness. Loki gently worked a small chip from her neck and when it was clear he froze the wound, using his powers to seal it. Sarah’s abilities kicked in immediately.

“I still can’t feel the people outside of here,” Sarah said, frowning.

“This place was designed to hold your mother, darling. It is meant to keep them safe from your mind.” Loki said. “There are however four more of you with abilities. We can fight our way out of here.”

Sarah surveyed the scared faces of the children whose lives were now in their hands. “Let Loki cut those chips out. It only hurts a little. You don’t have to fight, but with your powers, you can defend yourselves.” She said.

Steve sat in the back of the Quinjet next to Bucky. Their fingers were linked together. “You’re sure about this, Buck?” Steve asked for what felt like the 600th time.

“Loki has some kind of connection to her. Why do you think he’s always showing up when we’re not around?” Bucky said. “Whether we like it or not, that’s the truth. He says she’s in Siberia. I believe him.”

Jamie looked up at his dad’s again. Fiddled with one of his arrows and looked away. He kept wanting to ask Bucky if he was sure. Deep down, Jamie couldn’t shake the feeling that Sarah was dead.

Carol landed the jet on an icy plane out of sight of the base. The group that consisted of Steve, Bucky, Jamie, Carol, Vision, and Wanda all climbed off the jet.

“Captain, I’ll fly ahead with Vision. See if we can’t find a way in. Meet you when you get there, slowpokes.” Carol said, taking to the air.

“Right you are, major,” Steve said. He turned to the others as Carol and Vision flew towards the base. “Jamie, stick with your dad. Wanda, you’re with me. We’ll go out wide try and come in on the other side. You stick to this side, Buck.”

Bucky nodded and they move forward. When they made it to the compound there were a dozen Hydra agents already lying on the ground. Five children were gathered around Carol. Bucky recognized Danielle and May Day but not the others. One looked like they were made of blue flames. Sarah was nowhere to be seen. Buck and Jamie jogged over to Carol.

“Did you do this?” He asked.

Carol laughed. “We got here and we were just about to see how we might go about getting in when all these agents just dropped to the ground. They’re all alive. Just unconscious. Then the kids ran out.”

“Sarah,” Jamie said. Relief filled him. He just wished he could feel her again.

“Vision get the door open,” Bucky said. “We’re going to find my daughter.”

“What about, dad?” Jamie asked as Vision floated through the door. The circuits popped and it slid open.

“She’s already been here too long. I’m going to get her.”

// NEXT

#bucky barnes #steve rogers #bucky barnes x steve rogers #captain america #the winter soldier #captain america fanfic #the winter soldier fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #stucky #finding home #home

[tocxmply-archive]

FIRST INCARCERATION

[sources: click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click]

          why was Bucky chosen to become the Winter Soldier? we don’t really have evidence that he was initially chosen specifically, and it is likely that his fate came out of a succession of events --- the prisoners taken by Red Skull were no doubt offered to Arnim Zola to be used in human experimentation, to endorse HYDRA’s attempt at synthesizing their own version of the super-serum --- and super-soldier. we’re not told exactly how many prisoners underwent experimentation nor what happened to them but, based on the events that happen at the factory in “Captain America: The First Avenger”, it is not far-fetched to assume that only Bucky survived said experimentation --- which, obviously, makes him an invaluable specimen for Zola, if he wants his breakthrough to continue. we also see that Zola really isn’t happy with Red Skull’s idea to blow up the building, and how he scampers away to gather as much of his notes and research as he can --- it is very possible that he considered Sergeant Barnes lost at this point, but if he managed to save his annotations on the progress so far then, at the very least, he could eventually start anew with some other unfortunate guinea pig. 

          the encounter by that makeshift bridge between Steve, Bucky, Red Skull, and Zola is also highly significant in its symbolic value --- while Steve and Red Skull are engaged in their verbal and physical confrontation, Bucky and Zola are instead focused on one another --- on one end, having traumatic recollection of everything this insane doctor has already done to him and, on the other, realizing that Captain America may well be able to save Sergeant Barnes, and it might pay to go looking for him later on. after all, and as mentioned, Bucky was the only one able to 1) survive the impact of a proto-serum in his organism and 2) someone that Zola had already begun tampering with (i will expand on this one idea in the next paragraphs). therefore, i personally interpret this as, whereas Bucky might not have been specifically chosen to be injected with proto-serum (mostly, he was at the wrong place during the wrong time), he was most definitely pinpointed by Arnim Zola to be capitalized on --- to be retrieved, later on, so that he could continue his experiments where they were stopped and based on the data he already collected.

now, this meta will split into two major points i want to address.

1. CONSEQUENCES OF THIS FIRST INCARCERATION

          when Steve finds Bucky in the factory, strapped to that experimentation bench, he’s very clearly not aware of reality --- he’s repeating his name + number + rank in a mechanical manner, which can be taken as a sign of having been tortured up until recently, and he’s not even aware that he’s now on his own and that the entire building is about to go up in a blast. with Steve’s help, he snaps out of this daze but promptly shows difficulties to stand up and walk on his own --- though, at the same time, he doesn’t need too long to recover from this. in my interpretation, this is a clear sign he was already injected with the proto-serum, which allows for this hasty recovery of his physical body (and which, later on, will also explain how he was able to survive the fall from that train).

          whereas Bucky seems to be mostly fine at a physical level, however, sporting “only” a few bruises and internal bleeding in his left ear, it his clear that his demeanor hits a turning point at this moment. for example, during the scene where the soldiers are returning to/ entering the military camp, we can see the grievous expression on Bucky’s face, even when Steve smiles at him. a few minutes later, Bucky is the first one raising Captain America and demanding applause and cheer for him, and here, yes, he is smiling --- however, if we zoom on him during this scene, we can also see that his smile disappears as soon as Steve isn’t looking anymore.

          does this mean that Bucky is now jealous of Steve? is now jealous of the scrawny little sickly boy who, magically, became tall and buff and the new hero of the military and of America in general? i’m gonna go out on a limb (...this is a really bad pun for a Bucky roleplayer, i am v sorry) and say that, yes, yes he is jealous of Steve now. i mean, who in their right mind wouldn’t be, when realizing the wonder that is Captain America? it’s a completely natural and genuine human reaction. however, i also firmly believe that this isn’t a toxic form of envy --- as in, because Steve is now better than me, i have to knock him down and ruin it for him. not at all. one, this isn’t the sort of person Bucky has ever been and, two, no way he would have joined the Howling Commands if this was the case. the way i see it, this is more of a “wow everyone loves him now, he doesn’t need me anymore, how can i even compete with this, i will never be this good, probably no one else needs me anymore either”. something that he forces himself to keep hidden, because not only this is war and no one needs to hear his whining but, obviously, Steve is still his beloved best friend. hence, being the first one to cheer on Captain America --- even with insecurity and self-doubt already eating at him from the inside out.

          on the other hand, the undeniable fact that Bucky was tortured in that factory AND already used as a guinea pig. again, we don’t know exactly what was done to him, but it is safe to assume he was injected with the proto-serum against his will --- and i think it is also safe to assume that, at least once, he’s been forced through a session of electroconvulsive stimulation/ electroshock (ECS). we can clearly see that the bruises on his face form a pattern along his left cheekbone and forehead, which coincides very much with the position that the Winter Soldier, later on, is placed on the ECS chair for mind wiping (additionally, it is plausible that the internal ear bleeding was caused, precisely, by this machine and the strain/pressure it inflicts). were Bucky’s memories already affected/ twisted at this point? likely not, because it isn’t something that you can achieve in such a brief period of time --- at this point, likely, Zola was experimenting with both the proto-serum and this preliminar protocol of ECS, and taking notes on the results both things were provoking so far. nonetheless, there is absolutely no doubt that they configured highly traumatic experiences, and it is these symptoms exactly that i will explore next.

          after the return to the camp, we see Bucky next at the bar, when Steve is recruiting the Commandos --- and, whilst he may look the same for the most part, there is an actual rift between this Bucky and the Bucky who joined the military. first and foremost, he clearly stopped caring for his appearance as much as he used to. initially, we see him all composed and prim in his uniform, with the tie and shirt and the hat and all that. he looks impeccable, not only in looks but in body language; he is confident and carefree and charming. now? we see immediately that he didn’t bother to button up his shirt, didn’t bother with a tie, didn’t bother with a hat and practically didn’t bother combing his hair, didn’t bother to shave --- which may not seem a big thing by 2019 standards, but it was a definite faux-pas for a proper gentleman in the 1940s and let alone for a sergeant. lack of self-care is a hallmark of depression, no matter what year it happens at.

          additionally, Bucky’s body language is at the polar opposite end of what it used to be. he still tries to keep his smug facade, yes (for example, he tries to flirt with Peggy), but it’s evident his heart isn’t into it. his mind is somewhere else. he’s doing it, exactly, to keep up the image of everything he used to be. his gaze is mostly vague and not focused on Stave when they talk, he’s slouching both when sitting and when standing up, the tone of voice is monotonous even when he tries to flirt or makes jokes. he also makes comments such as “i’m invisible” or “i’m turning into you, this is a horrible dream” --- which can easily be brushed off as joking, should anybody ask, but which are very clearly self-deprecating in their nature. a negative vision of the self and of the self’s worth, which is another hallmark of depression. and let’s not forget that, whilst the Commandos are all banded together and having fun at the other room, Bucky has purposefully secluded himself up until the moment Steve goes to find him --- isolation is yet another hallmark. given all these signs, then, i interpret this as Bucky already struggling with depression at this point, caused by 1) Stave’s sudden change that he doesn’t know how to cope with (being genuinely happy for his friend, yes, but now being deprived of a constant in his life), and 2) the violation of human rights and torture he was subjected to at the hand of Zola, that clearly shattered his sense of safety, of agency, and of self-efficacy AND, potentially, began shattering his identity (if Red Skull was injected with serum and became that aberration, is this going to happen to me as well? will i become one of them?). 

          at the same time, Bucky is quite clearly dealing with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder as well --- being a prisoner of war (and war, by itself) is already enough to provoke this, now imagine also being subjected to human experimentation. we see that, from this moment forth, he never again wears a hat and he never again wears a tie nor any other sort of accessory close to his neck --- in my interpretation, both clear signs that he isn’t comfortable anymore with anything at all tight around his head/ face/ neck --- as it reminds him too much of Zola’s creepy, wretched apparatus. on the other hand, we don’t really see what the daily life of the Commandos is like, but i wouldn’t be surprised if Bucky’s self-care continues to decay throughout the missions.

          so, at this point, what do we have? we have Bucky struggling with symptoms of depression and of post-traumatic stress disorder and dealing with these via denial + dissociation --- because we gotta go get HYDRA and there’s no time to properly address any of this. we have Bucky struggling to find a place for himself in this new world, where Steve doesn’t need his protection anymore and, more, Steve has become America’s idol and has set up standards he himself will never be able to achieve. and, yet, we have Bucky trying his best to keep going forward and to keep supporting his friends and his country. we see him with zero hesitation to join the Commandos, even if the prospect of running into HYDRA (particularly, Arnim Zola) again and to possibly be captured once more, no doubt, terrifies him. as it would terrify any human being in their right mind. but he keeps going.

2. THE CHOSEN ONE

          to conclude, this is a really corny title, but it’s how it popped in my mind --- because, based on what i have discussed above, i interpret the events at the train as premeditated and not as a coincidence --- the Commandos weren’t chasing Zola, Zola was purposefully luring them in by revealing his whereabouts so openly. why? because he wanted to recover his precious experiment and to continue his work. because it was a god-sent that Captain America saved Sergeant Barnes when Zola had already resigned himself to having to start this project from scratch, and he’ll now do whatever it takes to get his hands on him again. for example, we see that Steve and Bucky were purposefully separated in the train, and at no point Bucky was forced to fight an opponent that might seriously risk killing him. and why else would Zola have set up a recording system in the train, if not to keep track of how matters are unfolding? his intention, clearly, was to be rid of/to kill Captain America and, at the same time, to recapture Sergeant Barnes to continue his research. now... of course, the whole Bucky falling off the train was certainly not planned, and by logic it would have ruined Zola’s dream. however, we also see that, later on, when he’s being interrogated, he’s told that he was responsible for the loss of Cap’s dearest friend --- and we so clearly see that creepy expression that takes over his face, because he knows what he has done. he knows there is a real chance that the proto-serum might have prevented his guinea pig from dying --- and, if he’s lucky enough, HYDRA will find him and keep him safe and sound for him till he can return to the project.

#long post #「ᵐᵉᵗᵃ」ʷᶤᵖᵉ ʰᶤᵐ ᵃᶰᵈ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗ ᵒᵛᵉʳ

[hewassortapunkroque]

CRYPTIC: Part I (ongoing series)

Summary: A woman named Onyx surfaces, gaining the Avengers’ attention. She is known to be a HYDRA operative but little do the Avengers know that she is the best HYDRA operative who ever lived. And she only has one mission: take down the Avengers.

Pairings: eventual Bucky x Reader, Bucky x Natasha (not romantic)

Warnings: violence, fights, mentions of blood, angst.

[A/N]: Hey! Here is Part I! I know it may seem a little confusing but I promise everything will unravel itself in the upcoming chapters! Once again, I used Google translate. Also, I realize that some of the events I write about contradict the movies so we’re just gonna pretend that only certain  things from the movies happened. Please leave feedback! If you want to be a part of my permanent tag list or the series tag list, let me know! Don’t forget to reblog! Thank you so much! -J

Prologue

“Okay, Barnes, look, I’m not going to lie to you,” Tony sighed before continuing, “I’m having a hard time believing you. You said it yourself. How could she resurface if she died?” Bucky continued staring at the floor, still shocked at the revelation. His eyes hadn’t been blue ever since her saw the surveillance video of her in D. C.

“I have no reason to lie to you. You and I both know that people coming back from the dead isn’t uncommon.” Bucky inhaled sharply and scoffed before looking up at Tony. “Her name is Onyx. At least that’s what we were told. She started off as one of the weaker soldiers. They usually killed the weaker ones but she was intellectually advanced so they used her brain for a lot of tests. Eventually, they noticed changes in her.”

“Like…” said Tony as he put his hand on his chin and began slowly pacing back and forth.

“Like her body. It was as if overnight she grew a foot and gained 100 pounds of muscle. She was faster than any of us. She was stronger. She learned how to use 100% of her brain at once. She stood out.” Bucky hesitated before continuing. “But she was- is - evil. Her heart...there’s no good. She could kill a child without hesitating or thinking twice. She...she was- is - feared.” Bucky went back to looking at the floor. “She climbed the ladder to become a head HYDRA operative fairly quickly. She was better than me.”

“My God…” Tony didn’t fear her, yet, but he sure as hell wanted to study her. He wanted to know how she went from a typical human being to a telepathic super soldier who just so happens to be among one of the most wanted leaders of HYDRA. “Now, you met her, what was it, 50 years ago? So….you met her after you were already under HYDRA’s control for two decades?” Bucky gave a quick nod as Tony took the seat across from Bucky. “Barnes...do you have any idea on how to track her?”

Bucky looked up at Tony one last time before standing up from his chair. “It doesn’t matter. She’ll kill us before we even try to find her.” With his last word, Bucky left the meeting room and left Tony alone. Bucky made his way to the hangar where he found Steve, Natasha, and Wanda unboarding a quinjet. They looked tired and worn out, seeing as they had returned from a lengthy mission. “Agent Romanoff, I need to speak with you.” All three of them shot Bucky a confused look. Natasha stepped toward him as she spoke.

“Agent Barnes, it better be urgent. I don’t like having my time wasted.” She crossed her arms and glared at him. “Spit it out.”

Bucky gulped. “Not here.”

Natasha scoffed. “What’s so important that you can’t even bo-”

“Оникс живет.” Natasha’s eyes widened and her knees began to feel weak. “Onyx lives.”

Natasha looked back at Steve and Wanda, both staring at Bucky and Natasha with confusion and curiosity. “Captain, assemble the team. Now.” She looked back up at Bucky and took a deep breath. Bucky looked down at the floor, avoiding Natasha’s eyes. They both knew how dangerous she was. They knew she would find them soon. The worst part: they didn’t know how soon.

*27 Years Ago*

Two guards dragged away the corpse as Onyx cleaned the blade, wiping the blood on her suit. She placed the knife back onto the tray and walked out of the dungeon-like room, making her way to her office. She quickly sat down and began writing notes. She spoke into a recorder. “Assignment complete. The subject is dead. Information regarding S.H.I.E.L.D. operations obtained. Speculation regarding Howard Stark as a threat to HYDRA confirmed. Operation Torpedo ago. Winter Soldier assigned to eliminate threat.” She stopped recording and made her way to the cryonics lab. She made her way to the Winter Soldier’s pod and stood in front if it, ordering a guard to warm him up and awaken him.

Once he had been strapped to the electroshock machine, for safety measure, Onyx slowly opened a notebook wrapped in red leather and a single star on the front and began reading off of the pages.

“Longing.”

“Rusted.”

“Seventeen.”

“Dawn.”

“Stove.”

“Nine.”

“Kind-hearted.”

“Homecoming.”

“One.”

“Freight car.”

Onyx looked up at the Winter Soldier, as he had stopped resisting and finally went into a trance. “Soldat?”

“Готов к выполнению.” replied the Soldier. “Ready to comply.”

*Present Day*

The picture of Onyx from her HYDRA file was projected above the table. Bucky and Natasha were the only ones standing whilst everyone sat silently, digesting the information being fed to them.

“There’s only so much we know about her past. We know that she was kidnapped by HYDRA. At first, they wanted to use her for her fertility, but they saw potential in her. They tested her brain, finding out that her brain was advanced. Hence, she became the first to be injected with a stronger super-soldier serum. HYDRA tried to use her blood to recreate the serum but she put up a fight and always won.” Natasha sat down with her last word. She paused for a second before continuing. “I know her from the academy. She knew the headmaster and would help train us once in a while. But she was my mission once, too. When I was still an agent for the KGB, I was sent with a squad to take her operations down in Sokovia. As far as I know, only three people came back alive, including her and myself.”

“And who was the third?” Steve looked at Natasha intently, waiting for an answer.

“Zemo.” Bucky blurted out. “He lead the squad.”

“But what are we dealing with? I mean, yeah I’m pretty worried about who this lady is but why do we care?” said Banner. It was obvious that he didn’t want anything to do with a mission. He didn’t want to be there.

“She was under mind control. She never snapped out of the trance. But we don’t know if she still is under someone else’s control. That’s what makes her dangerous. She could have come to years ago but it’s hard to know. She’s looking for me. And she’ll do anything she can to find me. Everything HYDRA put in me is still there. All she has to do-”

“Is say the words,” interjected Steve. “I say we try to find her first.” Suddenly. Fury popped up on the screen through a video call.

“Captain, that might not be necessary. Gear up. She’s here in the city.” With that, the team stood up in sync and made their way to the armory. Soon, they were making their way to the center of town. Upon their arrival, they saw cars on fire, people screaming and running for cover, but no aliens. This time, it was her and a group, about 15 soldiers, in formation behind her. Her all white suit was made of stolen vibranium, with a utility belt strapped around her waist and a red star, which, for some odd reason, startled Natasha. Onyx didn’t bother covering her face. The wind blew her hair back, fully revealing her face to the team. Her bright, piercing [Y/E/C] eyes finally land on them.

She smirked and looked at Bucky. “Soldier, it is nice to see you again. It is time for you to come home.” Bucky winced at the word “home”.

“Never.” And with that, both sides began charging at each other, with Bucky and Onyx looking each other dead in the eyes. Bucky threw the first punch which she quickly deflected and countered. He stumbled back a step but blocked her next punches. He kicked her legs out from under her, making her land right on  her back and leaving dent in the pavement the size of her body. Bucky grabbed her by the neck and held her up. With this, she wrapped her legs around his waist and flipped them backwards, landing on top of him. She grabbed her knife and was about to stab Bucky when Steve’s shield collided with her head, making her fly off of Bucky into the nearest car.

Steve helped Bucky to his feet as he spoke. “We need to make her weak enough for Wanda to get into her head.” Bucky quickly nodded. As they were about to turn and face the car where Onyx had been thrown, Onyx got up.

“For super-soldiers, you are both weak.” She charged at them and Steve charged back. As the kinetic energy from her suit collided with the kinetic energy from Steve’s shield, they were both thrown back, releasing a force of energy that knocked almost everyone off their feet. Quickly, they both got up again. This time, Onyx pulled out two batons and charged at Bucky once more. He grabbed his knife as they began to spar. Bucky managed to grab one of her batons and hit the back of her leg with it, making her groan in  pain. He then grabbed the other and did the same to her other leg causing her to fall on her knees. Bucky punched her with his metal arm, knocking her into the ground, once again denting the pavement. He hovered over her and repeatedly punched her in the face until he felt a hand pulling him backwards.

“Enough! Stop!” They both looked down at her. She began to let out a weak laugh, her face bruised and cut. She was about to speak when her eyes began to glow red, signaling Wanda. Steve looked up and saw as Wanda stood above her. After a long period of silence, Wanda shook her head and almost fell backwards. Onyx was unconscious. Pietro ran up behind Wanda just in time to catch her. The rest of the team quickly followed and stopped behind Steve and Bucky.

Tears fell down Wanda’s cheeks as she looked deep into Bucky’s eyes. “She screams. She doesn’t stop screaming. She scratches the walls inside of her screaming for help. She doesn’t know w-who or what controls her.” Wanda glanced back at Onyx, her face relaxed, missing the evil within it. Wanda wipes her tears and stands up as she continues. “She...she told me to kill her. I made  sure there was no force controlling her mind. Her conscious is at rest. We need to bring her back to the tower before anyone finds her.”

Tony sighs and speaks into his suit. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., prepare an impenetrable cell in holding. Tell Dr. Banner to have tests set up, and tell Fury to meet us at the tower. We need all the help we can get.” With this, Bucky walks over to Onyx and picks her up, throwing her limp body over his shoulder. It’s in that moment that Bucky empathizes with her. He knows how it feels to feel trapped. He knows that it wasn’t it her fault. She had fallen victim to HYDRA like he had.

Masterlist

#avengers #avengers x reader #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #avengers imagine #bucky imagine #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes imagine #avengers x you

[steverogershurts]

Fic idea: Hydra captures steve with heavy recovery (and lots a stucky)

Warnings! This fic idea contains: mentions of various forms of torture, memory loss, loss of consciousness, sex (it’s consensual), PTSD, and general recovery struggles. If you are not comfortable with any of these things, scroll far, far down .

Steve is captured by hydra on a mission (around late june). Team search and search for him but his tracker is removed (shocked out of use, violently removed, beat until broken idk you choose) so it’s nearly impossible. The base that has him is a nomad base, meaning they are consistent in moving locations every few days or so, also they are extremely diligent and well-informed on new locations where they are less than likely to be found by SHIELD. // meanwhile, the base is using Steve in order to maybe attempt to create and break in a new winter soldier/ wring Steve of critical, top secret, highly classified SHIELD info via multiple types of torture/ a fuck you to America/ test new ‘exotic serums’ made with extraterrestrial materials collected by previous battles on Earth/ because they’re all psychotic shit heads who are unable to part with the past.// Every time avengers get even a hint of a lead on a [possible] new location, base gets word from advanced intel and moves (inside a mountain, underneath an ocean, Chernobyl, in plain sight, etc.). The nomad base seems unstoppable until shield is finally able to track a pattern in their locations _ a final resort strategy that Bucky is nearly unwilling to wait for because of course he wants to get to Steve as soon as humanly possible, but after about a dozen failed attempts around the globe, he reluctantly agrees to. Yeah, there’s a lot of broken!Bucky here _ (this happens sometime in late July- fun fact: that means Bucky probably spent steve’s birthday either huddled under a desk covering his ears at the sounds of Fourth of July aka Steve’s birthday fireworks, or crying/screaming into an empty floor full of the life they *had* together. Or you know, maybe both). in order to counter the base moving to their next location and continue whatever the fuck they’re doing to steve (because shield doesn’t exactly know, but they can guess especially Bucky and Nat), shield has pull at the two locations they have predicted the base to move next, as well as pull at the one they are currently at in order to corner them. shield successfully counters the base’s next moves, but not without a long-winded battle resulting in the escape of various hydra operatives. Steve is rescued (knock yourself out with this one- he’s been tortured in like ways that Bucky was aka electroshock, beatings, stabbings, unchecked serum administrations for unchecked periods of time, malnourishment, and even a few memory wipes). he’s rescued unconscious and Bucky’s feeling a million things but mostly a) utter, overwhelming relief that his soulmate somehow survived a month of personalized hell in the hands of hydra and b) that he’s a fucking mess who can’t even think about what happened in his past knowing it just happened to Steve without throwing up and breaking down in to a puddle of sobs and tears. Doctors tell Bucky the same thing the told Steve all those years ago when Bucky returned: we don’t know if he’ll be okay. They tell him Steve might not wake up, and if he does it will be a damned miracle if he completely remembers the life he and Bucky have spent years building after their respective pasts screwed any chance of them living in their original time. doctors tell Bucky that steve will hurt mentally and because the seeming advancements of hydra technology to overcome even the strongest serums, that memories will come and go and Bucky just can’t believe it because steve has an eidetic memory and fills - or filled - every hole Bucky couldn’t. Doctors tell him that steve will hurt physically, that his body has suffered multiple lacerations, contusions, countless injuries _ some of which cannot be so easily erased by his serum, which has suffered itself_ and that he will ache for days possibly weeks, that the aftermath of the torture he endured is long-lasting (meaning migraines, nausea/sickness, infections, respiratory/circulatory/immune system complications, etc etc etc). They basically tell Bucky Steve won’t be the same person he was. Doctors don’t need to tell Bucky about the nightmares or the panic attacks or the lack of trust steve will most likely experience, because Bucky was there once too, and he can’t bear to imagine Steve where he was because it was so bleak, so horrid, and seemingly impossible even with your soulmate at your side. Steve eventually wakes up and surprise! the doctors were right. he remembers things in waves, doesn’t want to be touched by any hospital staff or friends or Bucky, passes out frequently, is generally scared shitless when he’s not asleep (and even when he is), experiences hourly nausea/headaches/fatigue/weakness/all that fun stuff, frequently forgets his own name or who Bucky is or where he is, and hates hates HATES sleeping or laying on his back so they strap him down because he needs to heal. Though Instead of lashing out and becoming aggressive, Steve falls quiet. Radio silence and all he does is either let tears roll down his face or stare off to an unknown distance. Through Steve’s first week awake, Bucky tries to be there for Steve like Steve was: no touching unless invited to (didn’t happen within the first week), only speak very little at a time and softly, bring food and water no matter what, and always always be there for him, among other things. Steve is extremely reluctant to Bucky’s help at first (he’s extremely reluctant to Bucky in general. Shield figures it was some twisted form of negative reinforcement involving pictures of Bucky’s face and scattered torture methods), but once Bucky establishes many times that he’s safe, that he and Steve are a couple, and that he can be trusted, Steve allows Bucky to talk to him even if there’s no response, feed him and stroke his arm/face/stomach (though he’s specifically wary of Bucky coming anywhere close to his neck for some reason *cough cough Pavlov*). After a few weeks awake, steve starts to talk again. Short phrases mostly to ask for water or to have his restraints loosened or to have Bucky maybe come back in the room again, but it’s a start. Steve starts to sleep more, like really sleep. Without nightmares sometimes, that is. he gets hungrier, wants more company, and even once asked to have the curtains open so the sunshine could come in a little bit. It was four weeks after Steve woke up that he asked for Bucky to come in the hospital bed (no more restraints at that point). Bucky slowly joined steve, relishing in the closeness he hadn’t gotten in months, waiting for him to make the next move. Steve slowly pulled Bucky in closer to him, then latched onto him, Bucky does the same. They sit like that for a moment until Steve starts to sob - hard. Really hard. He cries and cries into Bucky’s chest where he lays in Bucky’s arms. Bucky just holds him tight and weeps right along. He rubs steve’s back and lightly kisses the top of his head (he’s being careful about his intimacy still). Steve cries until he falls asleep, but Bucky continues to silently let the tears slip after the fact because after all this time steve’s in his arms. He’s not whole but he’s alive. And Bucky knows he can recover from this, Bucky knows it because he once did too, and even if he still is, he knows Steve has it in him. The days pass and steve’s color comes back to his cheeks. Weeks pass and the tips of his mouth start to curve when Bucky shows him an old sketchbook or a picture of them off his phone. His voice grows fuller and he starts to regain memories, even if they’re only of what Bucky’s favorite holiday is or what Sam’s favorite breakfast cereal is or what side of the bed he himself sleeps on. There are relapses, though. Where steve returns to silence, can’t remember what’s going on, or just passes out for hours on end. Bucky nearly has heart attacks, but endures. He nourishes steve, watches calming movies with him, crawls into bed with him and holds him tight when the nights and days are rough. After five weeks, Steve’s back at their home and semi-taking care of himself (with Bucky’s consistent monitoring). The hospital advises Bucky to take a step back and let steve care for himself a bit, and Bucky listens. Steve makes grilled cheese sandwiches for himself though they’re always a bit burned, which doesn’t worry Bucky too much because steve was never the cook of the duo. Steve brushes his teeth and combs his hair and changes outfits without aid. He even sometimes pulls out a sketchbook and draws. Bucky breaks down in tears the first time he sees Steve looking up at him, studying Bucky’s features and returning to his sketchbook to copy Bucky’s face onto paper because that’s what steve used to do. Steve’s goes to Bucky when asleep, and Bucky pulls him in, letting steve breath against his chest. Steve still has nightmares, but after continuous visits to his doctor and the reassurance that Bucky will always be there to wake him up, they start to become less common. Steve goes to paint sometimes, he goes for walks in the park and then runs in the park. He watches Bucky doze off and smiles softly at Bucky’s sleepy murmurs when the alarm goes off in the morning, just like before. Steve starts to become himself again as months pass on, so slowly it’s barely even noticeable. And finally, five months after steve wakes up, Bucky and Steve sleep together. It was slow and languid, the opposite of fast. Steve makes the first move and thumbs at Bucky’s jaw. He slowly pushes Bucky against the doorframe and kisses him, deeply. They go to the bed, clothes become piles on the floor. Afterwards they lie in each other’s arms and breath. Steve looks over at Bucky and, for the first time in half a year, Steve smiles. his chin trembles and the mist in his eyes spill over, but he smiles at Bucky and buries his nose in the crook of Bucky’s neck. Bucky holds him there and rubs his neck, and Steve doesn’t even twitch, not even a little bit. He wraps his arms around Bucky’s torso and kisses his cheek, gravitating as close to Bucky as possible. “I love you, Buck.” Steve’s breathing evens out and he’s under. “Till the end of the line, baby.” Bucky kisses the top of Steve’s head and joins steve in sleep eventually. And that’s when Bucky knows: he finally, finally has his Stevie back. For real this time.

#whump #toture #steve rogers #bucky barnes #stucky #hydra #recovery #fanfic

[buckygirl-fanfiction]

Sparks Chapter 32 - Part 1

Pairing: Bucky POV X Reader POV ft. Other characters from the Avengers team.

Word Count: 1.7K

Summary: In order to save him you have to hurt him. Angst Alert.

July 5, 2017

1am

y/n’s POV

The great irony of life is that whenever you start to believe that you’re finally moving on, that’s when you realize you’re not. It’s like harsh cold water being poured over you, ripping contentment and any progress you’ve made away from you in the cruelest way possible.

I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I can still see the deep red bruises his fingertips left behind around my neck. I shiver at the image and pull the little tube of concealer out of my bag and begin blending the red away. He is contained, still in his altered state, but I didn’t want him to see me like this. Especially not when he wakes up and regains his memory. I know I can do it, fix him, but the question isn’t if I can or can’t. It’s if i’m strong enough to see him like this, lost. Whatever the answer may be, I don’t bother contemplating it. I do what I must. I do what I must for him.

I push past my fear and the bathroom door and walk back out towards the labs. Cho is fiddling with a series of electrodes and a headpiece on the table. I walk over to her and she looks up, concern filling her innocent eyes. I face them with my steely strength and take the tray of equipment from her and walk towards the lab where he is.

I can see Steve’s silhouette from the distance. He is pacing. Sam is beside him standing still his body turned towards the large metal contraption Bucky is restrained in. When we walk in Steve turns to me, Sam’s eyes are still fixed on Bucky. I don’t say a word. There isn’t really much to say. But there is an immense amount of emotion and unspoken fears all sealed in one little room.

I walk towards the table and set my tray down beside Bucky’s now removed metal arm. They had to rip it off when they were restraining him. I’d initially attached it with a series of powerful magnets so the amputation was relatively clean, although I imagine not painless. Spectre hadn’t messed with that aspect of his arm. Just the rest. I hadn’t had the chance to examine it closely yet. But, it seems as though a makeshift automatic was spliced into it, amongst other things. I tear my gaze away from it and towards the man whose right arm was locked down in a pair of metal restraints. Along with his legs to a particularly eerie looking chair that resembled one usually seen in execution chambers.

His eyes didn’t seem to regard any of us. Instead he looked past us as if he could see something that the rest of us couldn't.

I walk over to the containment unit and reach for the handle. But, before I can pull it open Steve stops me.

“Wait,” he says as I take a step back. “Let me do that.”

I concede and let him unlock the door and open it. Bucky seems to have resigned into some state of defeat. Without his metal arm he can’t do much. His strength is still fierce, yet unmatched when compared to the large metal cuffs holding his arm down. As I walked in behind Steve I watch his gaze shift from the distance to focus on first Steve then me.

It’s a fierce state, but it’s also empty. I don’t think anyones ever seen that before, the emptiness of the Winter Soldier, and I pity him.

This was going to hurt. But I was going to make sure someone was going to die tonight. I’d make sure he’d never feel empty again.

He struggled a little Steve had to hold his head back for a brief period. Just until I screwed on the metal head piece, which resembled a wire helmet composed of electrodes. After everything was set I injected him with a heavy dose of hallucinogens and other fun things i’d rather be taking than doing this. But, I had to be strong.

He didn’t look at me again. Instead he went back to staring off into the distance. The entire process was emotionally draining and I felt myself disconnect from it. From my emotions, from my fears. I couldn’t bring myself to do it in the end, no matter how disconnected I tried to make myself, I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t flip the switch that would effectively run an electric current through his brain severing any connection Spectre had formed with the dormant parts of his Winter Soldier persona. I don’t think Steve could bring himself to do it either. In the end it was Cho who took the remote from my hand. She stood for a minute regarding him carefully weighing the weight of her actions, of what she was about to do, of the pain she was to inflict. I don’t think she could do it either.

I walked to her and decided to carry the burden myself. I took the remote from her hand and let myself go. I let any bit of love and devotion I had for him leave me, just for a brief second, because God knows it would truly never leave me forever. It would haunt me for the rest of my life. But, for one second I disconnected from it. Just long enough to flip the little silver knob that delivered quite a shockingly painful current into his brain.

He threw his head back and through gritted teeth, clumped around a mouthpiece, screamed. It was a long draining process and then it was over. His body fell limp against his restraints and I dropped the remote and ran over to him at once. I unfastened and pulled the headpiece off and let the millions of dollars worth of equipment fall to the ground carelessly and took his face in my hands. He was unconscious and would be for a while. I just looked, just for a second. Then I left.

Cho would do the rest.

When I came back the room was empty. They probably moved him to somewhere more comfortable. I walked over to the counter where his arm was. I might as well work on it. It would take me a better part of a week or two to make a new one. In the meantime he would need something.

Bucky’s POV

I woke up a couple hours ago with a searing headache, like somebody had fried my brain. Turns out somebody had, y/n had electroshocked me. Fitting seeing as she’s always been the only one with the power to truly hurt me. Cho gave me something and the pain subsided into a dull ache. I didn’t remember much and what I did remember was intel that was long old. I remembered the better part of the first couple months then nothing. I’m not sure I want to.

I was debriefed many times over but my lack of possessing any useful information left me feeling useless and used.

Almost 10 months they told me. I’d been gone for almost 10 months.

After multiple tests and debriefings I was finally released to my own facilities around midnight.

July 6, 2017

1am

y/n’s POV

I can’t remember the last time I slept but it didn’t matter. I spend the day disarming his metal prosthesis. At least I could give him back this part of himself. I went down in search of him but I was met with silence when I knocked on his apartment door. I wandered for a while trying to find him and eventually ended up on the roof. I saw the outline of his form looking down at the city below. I walk towards him and for a second it seems as though he doesn’t notice my approach.

“Hey,” I say stopping a couple feet behind him. He doesn’t turn or speak so I continue, “Come down to the lab I fixed your arm, well… I’ll make you a new one okay? A better one. But it’s going to take a while so for now you have…. I talked to Tony and Steve they both approve. It’s completely fine okay—” He cuts me off.

“You’re rambling,” he says without turning.

“Your sulking,” I say

“Did you miss me?” He asks and for a second I stand there silenced by his question. What kind of bullshit?

“Well… I thought you’d died idiotically putting yourself in danger so of course! No I didn’t miss you at all,” the snarkiness returning to me after a long absence.

“I don’t want the arm,” he say, “Incinerate it.”

“Hey!” I say with a little more force than I’d intended, “It’s not your arm to destroy okay. It’s mine. I designed it. I fixed it. And it’s fine.”

“yours,” he echo’s my words. “Come on then,” he finally turns to face me but it’s brief as he walks past me towards the doors. I follow him in silence.

Once we’re back at my lab he sits down in a chair and I reattach his limb. Just as I did that fateful day over two years ago. It’s hard to imagine we were ever strangers. He seems apart of me now like something embedded so deeply in you it can’t be removed.

I feel him wince as little as the magnets take hold. After I finish I let my fingers linger just a little longer before stepping back. Before I can move from his grasp he reaches out with his human hand and grabs my wrist.

“Wait,” he says looking down refusing to meet my eyes for some untold reason. “Don’t leave.”

“I’m not leaving, okay?” I say wrapping my fingers around his hand. His grip on my wrist is firm, bordering on painfully desperate. “I’m here okay?”

He looks up after a pause. His icy blue eyes burning into me, “i’m scared.”

The power of words always amazes me and I feel my heart melt for him, for his pain.

“Stay with me?” He begs.

“Always,” I reply automatically.

My response eases his uneasiness and he lets go of my wrist. He gets up from the chair and towers over me. Sometimes I forget how tall he is.

#bucky x reader #bucky x reader fluff #bucky fluff #bucky angst #bucky series