#and also my mom hates it too for trauma reasons which makes me feel sad

[dnd-shithouse]

I’m gonna say something so evil and controversial!!

If I knew Glenn in real life, I would despise him.

Not because he lets his son smoke pot, or because he is an absent dad or even because he likes Disney world.

I’d hate him because he plays Christmas Rock music.

#warning for rambling tags #dungeons and daddies #dndads #I love Glenn #but I KNOW as soon as I hear jingle bells the next thing he would see is his balls jingling above his face #/j ID probably just think he’s corny but also wholesome in a way at first glance and move on with my day #post inspired by my sister putting on Christmas metal #mom easily convinced her to just listen to metal and Primus so it’s all good #no my mom didn’t do it for my sake she did it for hers #we are a bunch of Scrooges unfortunately #I could say I have trauma surrounding Christmas #which I think I do #but the reality is that i feel very meh about it as a holiday #especially since it predates my bday and I can never do anything #and also my mom hates it too for trauma reasons which makes me feel sad #OH GOD SHE TURNED IT BACK ON #I do think it’s really cute that she wants to listen to Christmas metal music specifically

[the-lavender-creator]

OKAY! I’m sleepy and tried as fuck, it’s 1 am and I feel like I’m about to slip off into the best damn sleep ever. But for some damn reason I decided NOW was the very best time for me to come and rant my heart out about your fic.

forgive me. This might be long.

AGGHHHDBDUSBSJAHIH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHH-

Sorry. Had to get that out of me. It’s my knee jerk reaction to before, during, and after reading you fic.

now onto the- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

oh! Guess I had a little more in me! Ok now I seem- AGHHHH- to be- AGHHU- a little - Hxjdsisjsi- better???

BUT GOSH ALL THE THUNDER ANGST IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVED IT AND MY POOR LITTLE PATHETIC WET CAT LITERALLY

ok on to the specifics!!

first of all. I like how you make this a whole ass overall arc about Clawdeen and Toralei getting together, Toralei dealing with her plan and her feelings. And also hee super horrible mom RATerina! While also sprinkling in some absolutely god damn DELECTABLE thunder angst scenes. Oh I ate those up so ravishingly. They were so nice and angst and the most tasty words alive!

But yeah. The opening contrast of how Lighting is a norm to Monsters. And lots of times needed and wanted, compared to Thunder. Which is something Toralei fears more than anything. It’s just such a nice highlight. Cause really. Just like Cleo had her fear of the dark. It’s an unusual fear for monsters. These are stuff Humans are afraid of. And that’s probably something that gets under Toralei’s skin as well. Because Monsters don’t fear the dark or storms. They thrive in it. So when she, a definite monster, has this fear of a species she’s been trained to despise, it’s probably just this extra level of overwhelming humiliation and shame. And it really sets the tone nicely opening up!

I loved the first flashback, how it really shows the early signs of brainwashing and toxic ideologies her Mom had ingrained into her. Toralei loves power and thrives on it. It’s an unknowing coping mechanism. But at a young age she isn’t shown that it’s okay not to be in charge, and that others can be royalty too. Thag others can be in charge as well. That she’s not better than others. She was never taught that and it’s sad to read it through a child’s eyes.

and It’s so weird to see the dynamic Toralei and Lagooona have. Not friends. And more like. Hostages. Lagoona is somewhat of a hostage in her own room. Having her most personal thing used against her- where have we seen this before OH YEAH! FROM Raterina!!!

to think Toralei has inherited some of her mothers abusive traits is terrifying. For she truly is just an abused little girl who never got the love she deserved.

And oh. Oh my dear little heart. How it shriveled at reading the part where her mom yells and rants at her for hours until she is sobbing and crying hysterically for hours on end. My poor sweet girl who just wanted a hug got nothing but hate instead.

and OH. my head as poor little Toralei who wanted to be all grown up. Left alone in the house and realizing she left her guitar outside. Poor little kitten clinging to a branch and crying for all she’s worth as she thinks she’s gonna die. And what’s worse is she’d rather risk that imminent death and fear instead of going inside and risking her mothers wrath. god that sounds like a trauma inducing fear if I’d heard of any.

Ooooo the first Clawdeen and Toralei scene. Very interesting. Tantalizing. Fun how Toralei finds her adorable but excuses it like everyone does. It’s odd to see her try and manipulate her. But also it’s just. So easy to see at the same time. Hee wirh her British accent and feline smirk. Sharp claws and predatory eyes. So complex

Damn Raterina really was pulling the strings to Toraleis entire childhood. It’s gross in a way. Like she’s nothing but a puppet to her. A plaything she can control what happens too.

Also odd. Toralei says she doesn’t actually have anything against Lagoona. But it’s rather the fate of species. Is this something her mother has said? Or something that people assume from her that she eventually went ‘Oh, uh. Guess I have to hate her then?’ Too.

OH MY BABY. MY SWEET SWEET GIRL. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DONT CRY AND SHUFFER AND FUEBUFSNAIFHSUS (I love it. Hurt me more!)

Lol. Not her having a journal that said ‘diary’ in giant fancy letters that she can’t find a way to cover up. That’s such a mood. Why do companies even put diary on the front. It’s obviously embarrassing.

still rolling in my bed over the thunder angst. Poor kitty huddled up in a ball and crying and shaking and-

ok. I’m really trying not to loose myself in the angst here!

”that’s insensitive to mer-folk”

ok BESTIE THAT WAS ACTUALLY SO FUCKING FUNNY. idk y but I found that so hilarious.

Toralei giving draculaura a compliment then immediately insulting her lack of appreciation for the compliment is such a mood and a her thing idk what to do.

LOL ‘how to lure in a wolf and date her’. Throw the saddest fucking party in existence and fully lean into how much of a pathetic wet cat I am, and desperately try to ignore how deeply this all plays into my everlasting trauma from my mother!!!!

No but Raterina never celebrating Toraleis birthday 😩

Toralei the DRAMA. the one woman act. Turning up the pathetic wet cat levels to extreme today.

Aww little Frankie just wants to help but was definitely shoved into high school way before they were ready and honestly that’s so much trauma in itself cause they’re parents literally created them and the first thing they do is send them away to literally live out their life. Like- um. WHAT. The abandonment and rejection they must subtly feel. Like. Wow.

uh anyway this is about toralei.

Toralei. The drama. Who decides to have along ass gay fake romance with Clawdeen to get the necklace instead of just snatching it from her while she sleeps is such a gay mood I can’t.

it’s like ‘On one hand. I could sneak into her room and jsur steal it away? I’m a werecat I’m agile and silent! No one would hear or see me. It’s foolproof. And I have the necklace to give to my mom and win her love!….. OR I COULD DATE CLAWDEEN AND HAVE A SLOWBURN GAY ROMANCE AND BE GAY AND POSTPONE THE MISSION AND MAKE IT TAKE AS LONG AS FUCKING POSSIBLE!

oooo I’ll go with the second one! Definitely a smart decision!

AND NO POOR BABY NOT MORE PAIN AND ANGST AND YES I FUCKING LOVE IT ITS SO DELICIOUS AND JUICY AND RAW AND ANGSTY AND FONDUFNSUD CLAWDEEN IMMEDIATELY HUGGING HER AND TELLING HER ITS GONNA BE OK AND MY HEART IS BLEEDING EVERYWHERE

NO MORE TRAUMA WITH RATERINA. RHAT BITCH.

KSKSKDKS OOOOOO TORALEI YOU GAYYYY. WE ALL SEEEE ITT.

the vulnerability of fears 🥹. The little heart to heart is so precious. The exact moment toralei kinda screws up her plan by falling in love with Clawdeen

DAMN MEOWLODY AND PURRSEPHONY SO SUPPORTIVE AND MEAN AND BRUTAL AT RHE SAME TIME. like on one hand they’re being good people. But on the other GUYS TORALEI IS JUST A BAY GAY. A PATHETIC WET CAT. SHE DOESTN KNOW ANY BETTER BE KIND TO HER.

THE CONFESSION. BE STILL MY HEART.

AND YEAH THEIR ALL GAY AND HAPPY AND-

OH FUCK HERE COMES RATERINA. TIME FOR MORE AMAZING ANGST

NOOO NOT TORALEI IMMEDIATELY SHIFTING TO THE MEAN COLD TRAUMA PERSONA SHES BESN FORCED TO BE BY HER SUPER MEAN MOTHER.

oh man how angry I felt when Raterina greeted her by roughly grabbing her chin and telling her she looked like shit basically. Like THE ANGER

nooo more trauma. Her mom sucks ass.

Aw Toralei just wants to protect Clawdeen .

NO. NOT A THUNDERSTORM. NOT AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIMING SHOWINB THE MOST HUMILIATING VULNERABILITY IN FRONT OF SOMEONE WHO WILL EXPLOIT IT MERCILESSLY AND MAKE THEM FEEL PATHETIC ABOUT IT! (Not me reacting as if I didn’t prompt that exact thing)

NOOOOO SHUT UP RATERINA.

YEAH GET OVER THEIR AND DEFEND YOUR GIRLFRIEND

SOMEONE GIVE TORALEI A FUCKING HUG

WHOOOOO LETS GO DRACULAURA.

LETS GO BLOODGOOD. SLAY BITCH

YES KICK HER ASS OUT!

Love how Frankie and Draculaura know to leave them alone. Almost as if they know Toralei showing this much vulnerability must already be mortifying for her. Especially with her mom calling her pathetic for it.

HDBSUDNS CLAWDEEN BEING SO SWEET AND TORALEI ADMITTING HER ORIGINAL INTENTIONS THROUGH THE TEARS AND FEAR. THIS WAS ACTUALLY SUCH AN EMOTIONAL RAW SCENE AND PROBABLY MY FAVORITE ONE BESIDES THE RATERINA THUNFER CONFRONTATION.

legitimately I love how she admits it. Cause she doesn’t want to keep anything away from her now. Cause she loves her so much and she’s getting love and comfort she’s so unfamiliar with and her mom truly just sucks ass and gosh. And how Clawdeen knew but had so much faith in her. Probably the first one to every trust and have faith in her. Loving her nevertheless. Finding the good in her.

YES. THEM ENDING WITH SNUGGLES AND COMFORT THROUGH THE STORM. THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING!

I LOVED THIS SO MUCH LAVANDER. THANK YIU SO GOD DAMN MCUH FOR WRITING THIS THIS IS TRULY A WORK OF ART. THIS REVIEW LITERALLY TOOK ME AN HOUR IT IS NOW TWO AM IM TIRED AS SHIT. BUT I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS. IM SO SORRY ITS SO LONG!

NUHBGYVFT AND THE WINNER FOR THE LONGEST NON-BEE MOVIE ASK EVER SENT GOES TO-

But also. AHhhhhhh thank you so much this is like legit my favorite ask ever, I love when people give me their scene-by-scene thoughts on my fics, tysm <3

For anyone who hasn't read it, the fic in question is There's Always a Storm!

#and I finally fixed the opening note on it wooo #mr-walkingrainbow #toradeen #toralei stripe #g3 toralei #clawdeen x toralei #clawdeen wolf #g3 clawdeen #toralei fanfic #mh toralei #monster high toralei #toralei x clawdeen #idk any more tags but yk

[mydysfunctionalvampirefamily]

Hi excuse me, but what happens at a new moon? 👀

"Don't make this sad" 😂

"hey you're full of shit" insults are Aviva's love language.

Lola makes me so sad "people who move fast towards me usually don't have good intentions, especially when I've been bad." you haven't been bad sweet baby girl. 😭

It's interesting though because she's sad and traumatised and a little pathetic like Neil but whereas with Neil I'm like 😈 yes hurt him more, make him sob plz. Here I am don't you dare hurt her! I will end you.

The thought of John all on his own in this house so close to where the Aviva's death happened that he feels responsible for makes me rally sad. I'm glad he ended up choosing staying with his uncle.

Whenever John explains what he is doing he never actually explains what it is he's doing.

I'm gonna be honest I cannot keep all the magic terms straight completely, but I'll get the hang of it.

For someone who wants to coddle Lola and protect her at all cost I do cheer on Aviva calling her on her bullshit and John reasoning with her.

Not me saying NO! Quite loudly outside walking my dog because Lola said I should have been smarter, good things don't happen to me. 😭😭 What the fuck???

I know I already commented on it, but Aviva's mean supportiveness is great.

Oh no it got even sadder, so much sadder.

Oh good they're hugging. 🥰🥰

You know, yes there is a lot of fuckedupness here, but also in general this group has a lot more emotional intelligence than our vampire family.

"Apparently I'm a really good kisser" 😂😂

I know they all try, but I feel like John's logic and rationality is the best suited to poke through Lola's self hating bullshit.

Omg all the roles fit so well. 😭😭

"I didnt really have comfort as a child" the casualness with which this is said is extra devastating omg

Okay I'm sorry he want them to hold him down drowning in the traincar where Aviva died??? What the fuck?!?

He comes there a lot?? One of the most traumatic moments of his life? That doesn't seem healthy.

Goddamnit if both Lola and John would internalise the speeches they give each other just for one second!!!!

John's mom is such a fucking dick!!

And now she is physically there???? We need to end this bitch. Every word out of her mouth is so toxic!

My favourite thing about this system is that it sounds like they get to roll so many dice at once all the time. As someone who only has played 2 ttrpg session face to face, I am so envious of irl dice rolling.

Yes Aviva! End her! Or at least hit her! Good girl. Just so snarky too with it.

Just the nervous giggles when Rob picks up all his dice. Oh no.

Uhmmmm what??. No no. This is not allowed! How dare you, John's mom! Leave Aviva alone. 😭

Abusive controlling mothers wo only think about themselves, I hate them, but oh do I love to hate them. Happy mothersday to those who celebrate I guess.

This episode had everything! Trauma! Some goofs! More trauma!

#path of night podcast #Pon liveblogging #Forgetting Ashville #Episode 5

[sammy-witha-c]

tbh i’ll admit i’ve been putting off my relisten of dndads season 1 because i’m at henry’s arc and i vaguely remembered it being a bit slow even though i remember enjoying it a lot and. i am SO upset i put it off i’ve binged it all in one night and i have THOUGHTS LIKE...

GOD. henry’s character arc is so fucking good like. he came from this toxic, emotionally-abusive place, where over time it became more obvious to him that he didn’t belong. his dad was never proud. he was bullied regularly and then told HE was the problem. his mom, which he clearly loves very, very much, pulled away from him probably from a mixture of the abuse she herself was facing and the fact that henry reminded her of how messed up it all was too. she tried to KILL HIS DAD. which was justified but GOD it must have fucked with henry’s head like. there is something so painful about being raised in a toxic environment and then having the feeling that nothing changes even though you know it deeply should and dungeons and daddies nails it on the fucking head. 

so he finds this broken mirror, right? maybe he knows its purpose. maybe he doesn’t. maybe he wants to escape. maybe he just wants to make his dad proud. but he fixes it, eventually, because he’s smart, and then suddenly he doesn’t remember anything from before and he’s in this whole new fucking world. 

god. henry loves nature. henry loves earth. henry grew up surrounded by trees that were all the same and people who were all unfair and suddenly he was surrounded by so much beautiful diversity... he’s treated with love. the only thing he really remembers is he had a fight with his dad and they never talked again which is so??? he forgot everything except that his dad was bad news and that hurts me so much. he wants to know about his past but he also doesn’t. it’s so painful. i have the hc that henry didn’t forget for any magic reason, it was just him repressing his trauma. and it makes me so SAD man. 

and then his boys- the light of his life- are born. he loves them. he loves them so much it hurts. and they love him too, he thinks, and henry doesn’t know what the hell to do with that. his mom loved him but hated him at the same time. his dad was never proud, always saying henry was to blame. but now he’s got these two beutiful kids who he loves so fucking much and he’s so scared of screwing up. he’s so scared. 

henry comes back to the forgotten realms and he can do magic. he doesn’t know why but he can. henry find out his dad brought him here and he’s suddenly faced with repressed trauma he doesn’t want to remember. he loves his boys. he loves his wife. he needs to go home. he heads to oakvale. 

can you imagine how painful that must’ve been??? for him to visit this place where he never belonged and find he still doesn’t??? henry is such a forgiving and nice person. i have to imagine there was a part of him- however small- that thought, maybe it changed. maybe it’s okay now. but it isn’t, and nothing’s different, and henry’s just a kid again who can’t make his dad proud. 

and his boys are there. they’re saying they love him. henry is having a mental breakdown and they love him. henry has found out he doesn’t belong anywhere, actually, and they love him. 

he sees his mom. he loves his mom. she seems excited for a moment. it all goes dull. he loves his mom and she is telling him she was happier when he wasn’t here. he loves his mom and nothing’s right. 

they’re your grandchildren, he says. they’re you’re grandchildren. henry isn’t confident in himself- henry has a sort of hatred for himself, actually, because he was never shown to love the parts of him that were faults. but he’s confident in his children. he loves his children so fucking much. they’re a lot sometimes and they don’t listen but they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. they’re your grandchildren. be proud of me. they’re your grandchildren. mom- i love you. 

i don’t want to meet them, autumn yells. and henry finally understands the extent of which he will never. 

#dungeons and daddies #dndads season 1 #henry oak #i literally had to pause the episode right as anthony yelled as autumn like #this is SO fucked up henry i fucking love you baby #AND THEN KNOWING WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.... MAN. #anyway not to be parasocial but #will campos by fucking beloved??? HES SO GOOD. HES CRYING IM CRYING #and anthony too i'm losing my damn mind here #i'm thinking about parenting and i'm thinking about trauma and i'm thinking so hard about henry oak #alexa don't look

[itsjustlux]

50% Crowley theory 50% Crowley Angst

Let's talk Crowley and religious trauma because I just got done rewatching s2, this time with the company of my mother (the absolute icon that she is).

Side note, this is 50% theory and 50% character speculation, so enjoy this behemoth of a post.

After we finished e6, my mom and I had a lovely little discussion about the roles of both the Metronome (yes, she actually called him this) and God. Much of the discussion revolved around wether or not God was a malicious/cruel force in the Good Omens universe. While my mom had made the argument that yes, God in this universe is not a sympathetic character, I ended up arguing the opposite.

And I can easily see how she would come to that conclusion. Heaven, after all, has been shown to be pretty morally dubious. But that's just the thing. Heaven and God are two completely separate entities. And that's a really, really, really important distinction (especially for Crowley's character). Crowley hates Heaven, yeah, but does he hate God? I would make the case that he doesn't. In fact, I think he might actually still love Her.

In s1 he literally talks to God about his fall. Obviously, he doesn't get any sort of reply, but he doesn't seem angry here in the slightest. He's just sad. Sad and literally begging God not to destroy humanity. That does not seem like hate to me. And if he resented God for his Fall, why would he still be talking with Her? Why would he be trying to reason with Her? But let's keep going. In season 2 when he sees God talking to Job, I don't get any anger here either. Unlike the scene in s1, I don't get sadness either. I get wonder, and just a hint of envy. He wants to be able to ask these big questions, to speak with God even if he doesn't get a proper answer. That means something to him.

But why would he still love God if She cast him out? Well, I actually don't think She was the one to do it. I think it was the Metronome (yes, I'm calling him that until the end of time). I mean, Crowley recognizes him immediately and Metronome over here recognizes him right back. And even more that that, the Metronome was the one at Gabriel's trial, not God herself. If the trial of the Supreme Archangel Gabriel doesn't warrant the appearance of God, why would Crowley's Fall? Crowley got in trouble for asking God too many questions. And what happened when Aziraphale tried asking questions in s1? He spoke with the Metronome. It's pretty reasonable to assume the same thing happened to Crowley.

So what does this do for his character? Well, it gives some additional context to his conversation with Aziraphale, especially that second "tell me you didn't". Because I get some genuine fear from David Tennant's performance in that moment, and this would definitely explain why. It also gives him some delicious internal conflict and adds to his whole wanting-to-be-a-good-person-but-that-puts-him-in-immortal-danger thing. Because loving God would be like, the ultimate demon no-no. Loving in general is pretty unacceptable, but loving God???? And that would just make his isolation among the demons that much more significant. Of course he became so set on helping Aziraphale. Aziraphale was (is?) all he had (has?) in so many ways, this is just another one of them. And adding onto all of that, knowing that a God, his God, would sit there and allow him to feel all these immensely painful feelings and then not even finding it in himself to be hateful or angry at Her...Just hateful of the systems build around Her 'ineffable plan'...There's something deeply compelling and deeply human about that, which I find very relatable.

#i just love this for the angst honestly #gotta get in my daily dose of good omens pain #oh crowley you poor thing #someone give him a hug #ineffable husbands #ineffable idiots #ineffable divorce #crowley #aziraphale #good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens theory

[tokillamockingbird427]

Random Headcanons: Keegan

List of random headcanons for my specialist boy. (As in autistic, not me calling him special. /J)

He shoots with his right eye, so his left eye looks perpetually squinty.

Cannot smile like a normal person. Forever lopsided because he straight up doesn't know how to because he almost never smiles.

I think I just like Keegan being asymmetrical all over tbh. Lad is lopsided.

Ambidextrous in the sense that he can shoot a rifle from either shoulder. Don't mistake this for him being able to write with both hands. He does prefer shooting off his right though. (See above.)

Also has that Blahaj shark plush from Ikea. (Hates the sweeds tho.)

Sharks. He loves sharks. They're his favorite animal.

Has a massive onesie that's a shark. He wears it during shark week and will drag someone (Usually Ajax.) into watching it with him. Has about a million facts about them memorized. He will tell you them.

Along the same lines, he was a dinosaur kid. There was a section in his elementary school library chock full of just dinosaur books. He was so obsessed they let him ditch the "One non-fiction, one-fiction." book for checkout and let him just get all dino books.

Again, similar lines: Big book nerd. Always has one on him, likes to read before and after missions because it calms him down.

Loves rock. Not the object but the genre. (Alt and classic.) Parents probably played Nirvana and ACDC driving him to and from school as a kid.

Enjoys country for the same reason, but the kind of country that has women plotting their husbands murders. (Which his mom listened to.)

Lady Gaga fan.

Pale as fuck which is funny because he lived in florida. Despises Hesh and Logan immunity to the sun because everytime he goes out he'll have one patch of skin he didn't cover with sunscreen and he burns too easily.

His fave outfit combo is a tight shirt and loose sweatpants. It's comfy. (And makes his butt+thighs look nice.)

Has a Deathhawk. (This is a newer one.) Braids it down to fit under his balaclava. It's technically out of regulation for being too long but Elias is entirely too much of a softie to force him to cut it. So long as it's kept back during missions he won't get after Keegan for it. Uses colored wax when he styles it up because he can't dye his hair. (Again, out of regulation.)

Very soft palms. He wears gloves on missions so there's never much a chance for them to get rough, even though they do have a handful (hah) of scars on the backs of his hands.

Also, impeccable nails. Likes to paint them. His hands just look really nice.

Cuddle monster. You get too close to him and he likes you? Boom. Pythoned. He will look so sad if he has to let go and the victim of his cuddles will feel bad.

#1 Love language is physical affection, which is very funny because he fucking despises PDA. If he likes someone he'll bare it, but he will be blushing the whole time.

Blushes everywhere. His whole face, the tips of his ears, the back of his neck, even his shoulders. It's also hella obvious because of the previously mentioned paleness.

Has bad survivors guilt from Sand Viper. Gets compounded over the years because being a Ghost is pretty dangerous. (More of them would die or be injured.)

Looks up to Elias and Rorke as mentor/father figures.

Lots of sisters. Only had one baby sister but three who were all older than him.

Really wanted a brother though so he enlists himself as Hesh's big brother after the pyramid/the beach. (Mostly by accident.) Now incredibly protective of him.

Little weasel monster after Sand Viper because he's unpacking all that trauma, but he decompresses over the years and mellows out. Still has his bat-shit insane moments though. (*cough* Truck at the stadium. *cough*)

Hates his call sign and does everything to get people not to use it. Most don't but Adonis does because the little shit finds it hilarious to dick with poor "Scout." (Ajax also uses it but Keegan gives him a freepass to do pretty much anything he wants lmao.)

Thick in thigh, thick in the waist Thick in the right motherfuckin' places

#call of duty #call of duty ghosts #keegan p russ #i am referencing doja cat btw #but also yes kinda curvy #got angsty at the end there sorry lol

[arrow-dodger]

When I was 12, my mom bought the soundtrack to The Phantom of the Opera movie with Gerard Butler. She must have gotten the CD from the bargain bin at Wal Mart or something. She started playing it all the time in the car, insisting she loved that kind of music (which she had never listened to before, as far as I'm aware).

I became obsessed with it almost immediately. I made her get me the movie and I watched it almost every night. At that age I hated Raoul because I thought he was lame and weak. The Phantom was my sexy sad boy and for some reason I thought I could fix him. No offense to Christine, but I was built different. The idea of being someone's entire world was very appealing to me, because I never felt important to anyone. I wanted someone to take me away to be theirs forever. That was a romance I could read fanfiction about for years to come.

I've always listened to it and watched the movie from time to time since, but I revisited it more specifically recently. It occurred to me that I only know the movie version of the songs, which are probably the worst ones, so I started listening to the original Broadway cast and the 2011 recording.

The vibe is... very different. I am very different. Gerard Butler's Phantom IS kind of a sexy sad boy in comparison, and the stage Phantom has much more "muahahaha" energy. I mean, he's a devious, cringe little bitch. But the thing is that he's also scary as hell. Actually, this entire thing has always been scary, and I was kind of blind to it because of how sexy Gerard Butler is, maybe. Listening now, it's a horror that sends chills down my spine.

Now as an adult the romance angle doesn't work the same. I've had men make me their entire world before and convince me they'd die without me living to care for them. I've had men give me things without me asking and then use that against me later. I've had men seek out my very specific weaknesses to exploit them in their favor. I've had men threaten violence and violate my personhood because they wanted to own me so badly. I had a man essentially brainwash me for so many years.

I always hated Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again as a kid. I thought the song was boring and would skip past it sometimes, because I just didn't get what it added. Now I get that it's the entire linchpin to the plot of this thing.

When I watch that scene now, I realize that Christine's trauma about the death of her father IS the plot. That's what all of this is about, in the end. During the Wandering Child bit afterwards, when I see her say "wildly my mind beats against you, but my soul obeys," I know that very feeling... and it isn't romantic, it's DARK. When she says she has endless longings, she doesn't mean she longs to have a sexy phantom boyfriend, she means she longs to feel safe! Feel loved! Protected! She wants to feel like her father is still around and looking out for her! And she spent all these years thinking she would get these things from this person who's convinced her he's an avatar of her dead father, who spends this song calling her a lost child who needs his guidance, specifically poking at the wound he knows she has to give himself the upper hand. That isn't hot! That's awful!

When I see Christine crying as she turns away from the Phantom at the end of the 2011 production, I don't think she's sad because she's in love with him too. I think she's sad because she's leaving behind this person who is the architect of her entire consciousness. Someone who has convinced her that they need each other, that they're each other's destiny. She's realizing that she needs to leave her father behind. When he says "Christine, I love you," she's hearing her father's voice. She doesn't know who she is without him, or if she'll completely collapse if she takes another step away. And bitch, same. I've been there too. I thought I'd die myself.

The angles that art can stab you from change with you as you age. Stranger than you dreamt it!

#this won't stop me from romanticizing things I've romanticized since childhood #but it's certainly a big bite to chew

[aj-theteenagecondition]

the teenage condition-chapter 1

(none of this is proof-read, read or do not idc)

ive got this nervous feeling about starting something new. i haven't felt really anomymous and simultaneosly been interacting online in forever, not since i was too young to reasonably be a functioning part or a contributer to the internet. before i was old enough to have my own accounts with my own name and age and personality, i still snooped and lurked around the web, but i wouldn't dare post something. i felt guilty, afraid, that oh god oh no, someone (my mom probably) would find that i watched unreasonable amounts of youtube when i said i was asleep, or read copious amounts fanfiction for a fandom mostly written about by 12 year olds and therefore, was quite shit. but im just writing, because my brain feels like it has to, and writing on paper can get a bit slow, and im terrible at keeping a good accurate journal (for fear that someone i know will read it and finally see me or understand something critical and embarrasing about me). i was going to start an angsty teen journal in a black moleskin notebook, but i felt guilty that i had too many notebooks i gave up on halfway through.

its raining like the worlds ending where i live, which is to be expected in january. i hate winter. i understand that people love the snow and rain and wearing their earmuffs and cute outfits, and ice skating, and skiing and snowboarding, etc etc. but my room is cold and my feet are cold and my hands are cold and my school is flooding and waking up in the dark makes me want to die. im not really looking forward to getting life back on a schedule and going back to school. i go to a good school, i have plenty of friends, ive never fallen too behind. things are fine. but also: things are suffocating. so many people who i've known for literally my entire life. and my same friends talking about surface level topics. sometimes i wonder if we really know eachother at all. and other times i love them so much that everyone around us pales in comparison. lately (for the last year) i've felt like i need a closer friendship, i need an outlet, i need a confidant, and even though i have known them for like 10 years, i don't feel like i've ever had that. i dont think i've ever had that with anyone at all. probably a bit of me problem.

i was on a long trip with my family over winter break and started having quite bad anxiety. to get through it, of course a good distraction would do me some good. and what better distraction than reading one of the most famous fanfics that the internet seems to have been absolutely raving about: All The Young Dudes. i finished it this morning. ok actually this afternoon. mostly what i would like to say is: fucking ouch guys. i didnt actually have that much of an interest in the fandom (definetly not planning on reading anything else about it or interacting or writing), to be honest i wanted to see what all the fuss was about. now that i've actually read it all those "anything for our moony" audios on tiktok from like over a year or two ago really pack a punch. my thoughts: the beginning was very slow, but that definetley made the rest of it more impactful; sirius and remus's relationship is actually pretty toxic, but it was delightful to read; i struggled to get through any chapter after they left school, i predicted that it was going to hurt and boy howdy did it. i get it a little but also so much of it was so sad and so much of it was all unprocessed trauma and unresolved conversation and arguments, which sort of pissed me off.

not to say that it wasnt beautiful and also helpful. things i was reminded about myself through reading atyd: my friends dont know to much about like the vulnerable parts of me but its probably because I AM bad at communicating and being open; i do not like unresolved convos and arguments (my parents fight fr); i am probs trans, and have accepted that but not really bc if i had i would have processed it and actually made a move in some direction after mentally having proposed this idea to myself like 3 years ago with the irrisputable evidence of feeling gay for men; i avoid dealing with my problems; and of course i really love a story about buddies being pals.

also i cried a lot reading it

#spilled thoughts #atyd #whydididothistomyself #ouchie

[theydofine]

Life moves slow, for a thing that's so short it's almost impressive. I spoke with an admissions counselor and it actually went well. I really should stop getting surprised, but it's still weird feeling confident about going back to college. I still have a long way to go, though. I already applied for FAFSA and had my submission approved, and I started my CommonApp, but I'm getting closer to my essay portion and I'm kind of getting maybe anxious about it? I feel like, and I know, it is my time to weaponize all of my trauma into guilting some poor admissions person into giving me a chance. It's not to say that that's the only way they decide who gets in, but it sure does help. I know I can't get in by merit anymore. All I have is the things that have made me want to die. They are in some weird way my biggest advocates right now.

There is something else happening. Well, it's been happening. My girlfriend's mom and her sister have been staying with us in our living room as her mom gets some housing shit figured out here. It was begrudgingly ok at first, but there are certain mothers that can only be tolerated in doses and anything more is suffocating. Normally, I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about someone else's mother because mine are no prize and I don't know them, but

1.) I have full permission. She makes my girlfriend feel like shit. She is an awful person. If she had any redeeming qualities then we wouldn't have to talk in secret about how we feel and how she makes us feel in our own home. OUR home. She has no sort of claim whatsoever over this house. No rent, definitely no help with the utilities she's jacked up, no name on the lease. Not a single cumbpt of her moths-out-of-the-pocket money went into this house.

2.) In a way I do know her. Any daughter of a narcissistic mother knows her. These are women that will never know the depths of devastation that they unleash on their own. When I was a kid I would be filled with such a trembling fury knowing that she knew. She knew what she was doing, she know how it made me feel and she did it because she knew it would be an effective kind of hurt.

I never thought I would find another person I could hate with all my heart like my own mother, but she's appeared in the form of my girlfriend's mom. It's sad that this isn't some cruel fluke in the genetic act of parenting. There are far too many mothers out there convinced they've done no wrong not knowing they many suicide notes they've helped produce.

When I really wanted to kill myself, on top of all the reasons I had for killing myself at the time I would add one more. It would spite my mother. That'll show her. Except it wont. You could kill yourself, outline it very clearly that it was a direct cause of their actions and they would still swear it was some personality flaw on your part. The flip side is living to spite your mom, but I won't lie it's a hard hike to get to the means of being able to live your life away from them. In a way I only recently started my life away from one mother.

But now were back. My girlfriend has described it as feeling like she's back in high school. It's our home but we still get that feeling of having all the love and joy sucked out of the room the moment this woman walks in. She inserts herself in everything, takes and takes and takes and takes and takes as much as she can as fast as she can and never lets even a whisper of gratitude escape from her.

I tried putting pressure on her to move by telling her that my sister wanted to come visit so hey what's the timeline on your housing shit? Mind you, she complains about anything that isn't up to her standards. She tries to live beyond her means which has resulted in mounds of debt, but that's not enough so she has also taken a chunk of debt out on my girlfriend's name. She lives to flaunt a fantasy that is far from her pathetic reality. It only sounds harsh to you because you might be imagining an average mom. This mom is a genuine demon cunt that would drain her daughter of live and condemn her to a life of misery if it meant that she would tout that she was right all along about some stupid petty shit. She would rather have her suffer and be miserable than be happy for her and what she's accomplished.

I have to go feed our cat.

#public diary #bipolar diaries #digital diary #my writing

[littledewdrops2]

Okaaaaayyy

It really makes me sad when people read about a placement and just hole themselves in that box. Astrology is a reflection, when you think about how the way you are raised effects how you perceive things as an adult, it makes sense if you view your natal chart as a book of your life. I have a lot of trauma, and I'll be honest and say my kids have some inherited placements that I look at and panic at sometimes. You are not doomed to repeat the patterns though, a lot of the placements I see with my kids are karmic and they have generational trauma shown in their charts. For instance they have pluto/moon aspects like me and my mom and my sisters. However, their placement isn't as tight of an orb as us. I view this as improvement that could be built upon if they chose to have children too. My daughter has mercury in 12th, I make sure to listen to her EVERY TIME her soft spoken self talks. I stop other people and give her my full attention. My son has his sun in 8th, I make sure he has space to be alone and process, we talk a lot about healthy expression, and his father all the time. You can do these things for yourself too, make yourself a priority, commit to doing things better because you deserve that. I have a cancer mars and my drive has been something I struggle with and burning myself out while I try and care for others (also my moon in taurus in 12th), I love caring for others but self care is hard. I write, I ask for breaks and take time to process, I go to therapy, shoot I even have a boundary to shower every day. I do what I need to express my anger and sadness in a healthy manner.

Also I wish that more people, when they ask questions about their placements, would use that to examine their life a bit more. You know yourself and your life best. For example I'm a sag sun, in 7th, taurus moon in 12th, mercury conj pluto in 6th. The two people that effected me in the best way were my grandparents. My grandma was a Libra sun and a pisces moon. My grandpa was a Sag sun and a virgo moon. It's no coincidence that my planets fall there because growing up I wanted to emulate the people that treated me best. My grandpa always told me, "if it is meant to be, it is up to me", my scorpio mercury and it's conjunction to pluto in the 6th, is a direct reflection of how seriously I took what he said. My chart ruler is my mercury actually, I have held on to that advice and been determined to turn my life around. (Also my mom and dad have no pisces personal placements and no libra, no virgo)

My grandpa valued having a good time and having adventures. He wanted to provide for his family and be a pillar. Then I grew up wanting a partner who was loyal and fun and kind and makes me smile, one I could build with. I think that's pretty reflective of my venus in capricorn (leo degree), in 9th.

Your parents come with their own ideas, values and unique experiences. Their words to you become your inner voice. Always keep in mind that we didn't birth ourselves. We learned these things somewhere. A bit of reflection helps a lot, what did your parents value/did you get along and want to emulate that/do you have easy aspects or hard aspects/who else influenced you/in what ways/can you see the reflection in that? Before stressing out over someone's comment on your placements, R E F L E C T. My kids would hate me if my chart really determined how my life was going to go (because of all the stressful aspects) but hey here I am doing the work I need to do and my relationship with my children is extremely fulfilling and loving and I see the connection in the things I value and how I parent and my kids charts and what they may have taken from me.

Last long winded example lollll, I deeeeeply value being open minded and non-judgemental, education is important to me and activism is too. My son has a stellium in the 9th house with his moon there. As if his mom isn't a sag sun with venus in 9th lolol. My daughter has sun and venus in 11th. Both my kids are libra rising and my daughter is a libra moon in 1st. I already hear them talking about "doing the right thing", justice and helping people sooo much.

I'm wholly planning on teaching my kids that they have the power to transform their life. On one hand, I know sun in the 8th can be very hard and on the other I believe that that placement can be super beneficial if I can help him tap into the positive energy. My daughter has pluto in 4th. I can't do anything about what they've already experienced except to help teach them that they do have the power to break these cycles. (I don't remember who's blog but I read someone say that pluto in 4th can mean that your mom emphasized being able to transform your life, which would be spot on for us.)

You don't have trouble in love because you have chiron in the 7th. You have trouble because your examples of relationships might not have been the best or you struggle to put yourself above your partner because maybe you don't feel good about yourself etc. Chiron in 7th is reflective of the struggle, it's not the reason for the struggle.

Long af, just to say never give up on yourself and it will be okay. 💞💖✨ You certainly aren't doomed. Also envy is a sign that you have an unmet need so maybe if you are feeling envious over a placement, be nice to yourself and give yourself a little extra self love.

#astrology #astrology observations #astro notes

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep11 (part 1)

Breaking toxic bonds & accepting healthy ones isn’t a miracle. A bond that started with love could end up chained & toxic, another that started wrong could’ve become the joy of a life time. You can do it. Break the cycle of abuse & stand up for yourself, it is easy yet so difficult, you aren’t alone, tho, loved ones stand nearby cheering. Be kind on yourself, otherwise you’ll throw your life away. Life isn’t just happiness & joy, it’s also sadness & loneliness. Break free from the shackles that held you down. Embrace life & Live.

-Tohru’s “ I’m okay” mask is finally shattered! (the Importance of kyo’s rejection for her development):

This is the last part of tohru’s character development! The last few eps were abt her role in Akito’s redemption & their similarities. she staood up for herself & choose a path away from her mom while keeping her mom’s memory in a healthy manner. No more planning my life according to mom’s wishes, no more talking to mom ‘s picture 24/7. Now, I’ll plan my life & move forward even if it is with the guy mom said she cant forgive. even If it is without him, I’ll move forward. I love him so much, yet I won’t force our bond & let go. So easy yet so difficult!. tohru doesnt know anything abt kyo after her fall. All she remembers is his heart-broken face as he wept beside her. Those tears on his face, she caused them. He cried cuz it is too painful to see her hurt. She was a burden to him! tohru restored to her old coping mechanism of pretending “ i’m Okay” & smiling. She did so numerous times before. Always worked. No one noticed. Except him. Se02, ep7. he urged her to show her true fears. Now, she’s faced with a pain so big she can’t pretend no more. the pain of loosing him. She cried in front of yuki! The smile & chatting abt chores couldn’t conceal the running tears! Yuki’s first time seeing her like that. Se01, ep14, yuki wondered how could tohru smile after her mom’s death. She can’t pretend no more! She’ll have to wear her feelings on her sleeve! cuz it IS ok to do so! She tells kyo to give her a moment to compose herself. She couldn’t lie & pretend like she did with yuki. Here she either run away or just try to compose myself! I LOVE THAT! This way, whenever kyo/tohru fight or have any misunderstanding in the future as a couple, you’ll know tohru won’t just bear it & pretend, “ i;m okay” No! she’ll talk to kyo & express herself! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It gives her so much strength as a human & I’m happy all the obstacles & set backs in kyo/tohru’s romantic journey has led them to be better ppl little by little to build healthier & more realistic love! 

-The mechanics of writing a compelling slow-burn romance:

1. Igniting the romantic feelings slowly: Slow burns don’t work with love at 1st sight. It must first sparkle naturally, slowly & subtly. Both kyo & tohru repeatedly stated they don’t know exactly when they first fell in love. The author’s decision to create an environment where the two live together is a genius way to start & nurture their romance quietly & subtly. Kyo was tricked to stay in shigure’s house while tohru had to stay cuz she had no home, Natural reasons that force the two to spend days together & get to know each other gradually.

2. Dynamics of their personalities: For slow burns to work, the two characters need to be similar yet opposites! Kyo & tohru are both kind, endearing, innocent, good at chores, independent & hardworking. They both have history with their mothers that is filled with love yet traumas. However, tohru is calm yet prefer maneuvering around subjects, can’t stand up for herself, reads ppl easily, tends to trust ppl easily & disregard herself. Kyo is fierce, strong, tends to distrust ppl, despite ppl loving his spontaneous character, he has hard time figuring out if they’re mocking him or teasing him, very straightforward with his words & actions. The similarities helps them understand each other, however, the differences creates chances to clash & come even closer thro various situation. Ex, se01, ep2, kyo apologizing for hitting her head with the table which created the situation where she needed to confess she always loved the cat zodiac! It is HER gush of emotions that struck kyo. ppl really want my friendship? the cat is loved? Thro those difference they learned to better themselves so they won’t hurt the other, kyo toning down his anger for her, tohru desiring to know him even more as he becomes even more awkward.

3. Creating natural, realistic  & convincing obstacles that prevents them from being together:  This is the most important part! Slow-burn is two characters in love & cant be together despite everyone wanting them to be! if the reason that stops them from uniting is trivial, stupid, one-sided, can easily be solved, then the slow-burn would be a fillery & no one would cheer for it! Takaya-san is a genius!

Kyo can’t be with tohru cuz he thinks (a) he killed her mom! we saw thr flashback, he could’ve saved her & couldn’t save her. It was a split of a second difference & he hates himsef for NOT trying! that split of a second also prevented from thinking of better ways to save her than holding her! it happened to fast, he couldn't think of a better alternative cuz this was his 2nd time loosing someone (b) his mom’s sucide being pinned as his fault created this immense guilt & defeated feeling that “ no matter what, I just cause death & misery! There’s (c) too!, he knew tohru! thinks she deserves the world & cuz he didnt save her mom, he watched tohru talk to a freaking picture for two years! heck! he is the only one who can see thro tohru’s “ i;m okay” mask, so in se01, ep 14 in the grave yard! kyo wasnt the only one who is sad! tohru was too! & kyo could tell! (d) her mom’s death is the reason tohru is accepting shigure’s offer to stay with them rent-free in exchange of doing housework! (e)? he saw her confess crying her heart out abt missing her mom so much that she imitated her dad! so tragicly sad! (f) he saw her die in his nightmare!! how can he accept her love,now? Perfectly orchestrated obstacles! 

Tohru, unfortunately, in the anime it wasn't that clear due to shortening her backstories & trauma in se03, ep6. But she too couldn’t see herself confessing love to kyo. Tohru is has low self-esteem, always thinks she’s a burden to others, an orphan who just wants her mom, so scared, lonely & sad! we the audience believed the mask! we saw her work her motherly charm yuki, isusuz, kisa & believe her issues are not that deep.  tohru wont cry for herself but shed rivers for others! grief is so ugly it broke her! I cant let go of mom, must keep her always in my heart, such a hard emotions to write & I believe 100% the director couldn’t understand her grief & decided to split ep6 between her, kyo, isuzu & shigure. But Tohru struggling to confess to kyo is no laughing matter. ppl who are grieving find it the hardest to live after the loved ones die. they wont mostly commit suicide, they are alive, but they arent living. they just go thro the motions & live for the sake of those around them but not themselves. Tohru deciding to confess to kyo is her deciding to live for herself.

4. Writing a perfect psychologically & emotionally packed climax: I dont need to explain how perfect kyo’s rejection of tohru in se03 ep9 was. How much we felt for him yet were mad at him. He we were “ ugh! kyo no!!!! I mean I get why you do that , but you idiot no! come back! poor kyo! He was just so sad & broken! OMG he’ll kill himself after finding tohru’s injured body!! he totally would! his nightmare came true! But Tohru reached him! she wanted him to be okay! he wont kill himself but still feels hella guilty! but so utterly in love with her that his instinct upon seeing her come to life after near death is kiss her! Perfect display of psychology & emotions! filled with right, wrong, sad, happy, guilty, innocent! basically so human~ As the audience you MUST have this mixture of feelings of wanting to hug him so bad cuz this boy has been killing himself for years now yet want him to stop & just see that he was a good boy afterall. Tohru is THE best girl & if the audience are cheering for kyo to be with her, kyo really deserves her! The only problem is for kyo to see that now.

5. The Perfect wrap up of all romance: If you make your audience suffer the slow-burn this long, you gotta reward them good! & Takaya-san delivered! Just like how the entire romantic story is realistic, the reunion must be as realistic too! Tohru is hurt by kyo;s words. Facts remain his words were hurtful to her. I love that was addressed! tohru gets to tell her side, too! If you love someone, you are bound to be hurt by them as much as be happy with them. Simply cuz they matter so much to you! you arent one person, but two ppl coming together. Kyo must work hard for this confession. Must run & chase her. Must earn her proper! He gets on his knees, I cant express how important that is! he is way taller than her, Imagine apologizing while she looks way up & he looks down? He gets on his knees & apologize like a man, for every mistake, all while not loathing himself. He aint going back to that deep abyss again. He did wrong by her & he is owning up to his mistakes. Give me one chance. I’m not gonna force you with persistence or guilt you into taking me. Give me ONE chance cuz i deserve it & no more. The choice is yours. She asks to confirm, he shows her, they kiss, they hug, they are rewarded with a blessing from the heavens! One of the most simple yet emotionally fulfilling confessions in anime!

- Hugs over kisses: (And her kiss hugs her & the curse was lifted):

Prince charming kisses the princess & she wakes up~ they live ever after~ except furuba is all abt “ eternal ever after is not true, real life is where the real love is”

Kyo kissed tohru once, she didnt wake up, she didnt even think he loved her back. didnt even remember the kiss.

Kyo hugged tohru once. se01, e024, He initiated it, tohru was all in tears, surprised, happy & so utterly in love. he called her name for the first time ever, for a brief moment, they both connected, they both comforted each other. The rain stopped, he became a man not a monster, she got him back. She got her kyo that she fought for with none other than kyo himself.

kyo hugged her again, se03, ep6. They both initiated it. He made the first move, pulling her just a little closer, she made the second move & hugged him hard, he transformed, it was a moment were they both connected, both so sad & broken, both feeling needy for the other, both desperate for the other, both just living the moment. the result is them coming closer, her wanting him more, him realizing her love, there is no escape. Admit it. she loves you. You can tell.

Kyo hugs her again today. He asks permission. No spur of the moment feeling. But a long lasting permission to be together. To hug. He wants to hear her acceptance of his cursed body. “ is ok to hug you? this body will cause you pain as it wont be able to fulfill your wishes of constant hugs & intimacy”. She responds, permission granted, for love, for hugs, for a life long acceptance of you as a whole. weakness & strength, sadness & happiness. I accept you all in better & worse! we’re invincible. Why? cuz we understand love isnt magic. It is a path for us to walk together~~~ reward curse break!

Every time kyoru are closer it is a hug. The one thing the zodiacs cant do. A hug. They can kiss. But cant hug. comes this Zodiac Ruler girl so lonely, away from ppl, so sad, meets a cat boy who comes to the house she’s living in, a house away from ppl, the boy is drawn to the girl, However, when the boy needed to leave, the girl was able to let go despite loving him, the boy comes again, this time wanting to stay, the girl accepts the boy. They both accept the realistic reality of life. Embrace the obstacles & the achievements, celebrates the weakness above the strength. Both so imperfect. Both so endearingly dumb! that’s why the girl’s hug broke the boy’s curse. The girl’s acceptance of the cat broke all curses.

Side Note:

Kyo’s confession is so kyo! so straightforward, so direct, & so physical. He’s on his knees, holding her hands, looking at her eyes. “ i want to be WITH you. If I’m gona live, I want to to do it with you & no one else! cuz I love you” that’s it. That’s all.  So sincere & so romantic!

it is crazy how different tohru & kyo are now after the confession! she stood confidently & happily & said “dont you know, I love you!” all while teasing him, her giggle is so girlish & cute! my girl is a happy woman in love! long buried the angelic mother image of se02! YES! also, kyo’s happy face is love! Dude! when was the last time he smiled so freely? Did he ever do that? He smiled in se01, ep4 with kazmua, but not like this! T_T. my son is healing~

Kyo’s “ i wont ever feel afraid if you’re with me” is a huge growth from his “ I want to protect her” mindset. Now he realizes it is two-sided mutual desire. She gives him strength as much as he does! <3

I dont like open eye while kissing, but here it is so perfect for tohru in this moment! cuz she spent days thinking kyo rejected her & even ran away as soon as she saw him, now he’s not only confessing, apologizing, admitting she is his life, but also kissing her signaling they’re romantic couple. kissing on lips is so personal, what more evidence she needs? still, her thoughts? “ it’s like a dream?” aww~~~ tohru~~~ my precious girl! she just cant believe all her suffering is over, now? She was just practicing “ i’m okay” smile & now she’s an official girlfriend to the man of her dreams? He just bent da kneeee~ go for it queen!

yuki’s face when tohru cried is exactly what I meant of “ allowing yuki to have strong facial expressions”! XD these types of faces humanize yuki so much into the teenage boy he is! Unfortunately the anime team only sees him as the pretty prince in most times. That’s why fave yuki is when he’s with kakeru. He becomes so un-princly as he should be.

Speaking of yuki, I see you anime team~ postponing his moment into next ep so him & machi wont be overshadowed by the long awaited kyoru!! While this defies the perfection of all cursed zodiacs breaking on the same ep making akito’s breakdown less perfect & poetic, I take it as the anime team admitting they underdeveloped yuchi & decided let’s give them more screen time & not putting them in close distance from any couple. A week later ep is enough with lots of time. I dont mind at all, I’m just saying more time after/while confession is not what i was hoping for~~ sigh~ At least I hope yuki would say sth along the lines” all this time I was looking at you, i realized i love you” to imply he was thinking of her as a lover not his kindness for someone he helped. I just dont want their love to be sudden simply cuz yuki needs happy ending. oh well~ I’m sure whatever it will be, the anime will give it utmost attention.

That sad moment when kagura wasnt allowed a moving image. lol. girl was given a still image that didnt even move with the breeze! T_T

Not gonna lie... the scene with kazuma & kyo was underwhelming. Why the wide shot? I mean you dont need budget for that. Just give me a closeup from the waist up with kyo head buried in kazuma’s chest. Dont need to waste budget on kazuma’s face, either.... do the old trick of hair covering eyes & show me glittery tears~  why the awkward shot of kazma towering in his own house! how tall is this man & why cant he he fix his roof?...lol

Also, shigure, you got scars man... who can hurt shigure? akito? gotta be her. I dont think hatori scratches...lol.. Aya? nah~ too busy with Mine! yup, akito... another steamy night? could be, she’s changed as he wish now. But scratching a face is weird while..um..kissing? a quarrel? but why? I bet she wants him now & we know he wants her....

More on part 2! especially abt the curse’s lore~

#Fruits Basket #Anime Only #happy paper #final season #part 1

[supercorpkid]

Red Kryptonite causes drama and trauma – The series.

Part 4 – There is happiness past the blood and bruise.

Supercorp, Kara Danvers x Daughter!Reader, Lena Luthor x Daughter!Reader

Word count: 2370.

Warning: I cried writing this, so be prepared. But happy ending, I promise.

Previously on the series - part 1, part 2, part 3

You would love it if things had suddenly gone back to normal again. If you could just forget what happened, and go on with your life. You are not angry, really. It’s just this feeling of sadness you can’t ignore. Every time you look at Kara you remember everything she said. So, you’ve been keeping your distance these past few days. You’re not being mean, or impolite. You’re just not soft and sweet like your usual self.

It’s Monday, and Kara flies in through the window in her Supergirl’ suit and sees you sitting there on the couch, working on your new invention.

“Hey, you didn’t show up at training today, I got a little worried.” She says and you move on the couch uncomfortably.

“Oh! Ah, yeah. Did I- did I forget to mention that I’m not doing that anymore?” You don’t look at her while speaking. You just keep working.

“Doing what? Training?” She asks and you nod. “Kid, you need to practice.”

“Oh no, I know. I mean, I will. Just some other time, and with…” You mumble. “Someone else.”

You don’t have the courage to look at her. You know she’s hurt, and you don’t want to see it written in her face. Kara sits down on the couch in front of you. She is still in her super suit, which is weird because usually the first thing she does when she walks home is change. She doesn’t say anything for a while.

“I thought it would be good to learn different fighting styles and all.” You try to explain, but you both know that’s not the real reason.

“Okay.” She finally says. “Sure. That makes sense. So, who are you training with from now on?”

“Aunt Alex.”

“Oh yeah, great! Alex, yeah, she has a great fighting technique.” She stands up fast. “Ok, yeah. Cool.”

“I hope it’s ok.” You say even though she just said it was. You know it’s not really ok.

“No, yeah. It’s fine. It’s, um, cool.” She paces around a little, you can see from the corner of your eyes. She looks like she still wants to say something, but doesn’t have the courage. She keeps opening her mouth. “And the powers?”

“Sorry?” You ask, finally looking at her.

“Who are you going to train your powers with? I mean, Alex doesn’t have them.”

“Oh. I actually talked to Nia about it, she said she would love to help.” You try to smile, but it doesn’t seem right. You don’t know what to do with your face. Or with your hands. And you can’t hold her gaze any longer.

“Nia!” She screams. “Wow, that’s wow.” She keeps pacing nervously.

“I thought it would be good since it took her awhile to have control over her powers too.”

“Yeah. Mhm. Great idea. You’re so full of great ideas…” Kara stumbles on a chair behind her. “Well, you’re working on something so, I’m going to-to leave you to it.”

Your heart shrinks a little, but you know it is the right call. Training with your momma is what got you in the red kryptonite mess in the first place.

Next day you get to work with aunt Alex and things go great. You’re practicing on a dummy at first, and she just shows you a few moves. It’s easier with her, you don’t know why, but it is. Even Jamie joins, because Alex wants her to learn some self-defense moves.

“Hey kid.” Kara says when she sees you walking home after the training session, she puts the TV on mute and looks at you. “It’s a little late, where were you?”

“I had a training session.” You say making your way to your bedroom.

“Oh. How-how was it?” She asks, adjusting the frame of her glasses and you stop walking.

“It was fine.” You don’t know what to say, you don’t know how hurt she would be if you told her the truth. “Aunt Alex just showed me a few different moves that are easier for me to do.”

“That’s great!” Her voice comes out loud and squeaky. “Do you want to order pizza?”

“Um, not really I... already ate.” You point to the hallway and give a little smile. “Gonna go work on my project.”

“Sure. Ok!” She gives you a flat smile and a thumbs up and you disappear inside your room.

You’ve been in your bedroom for an hour when you hear a knock on the door. You lower your glasses and look through the door.

“Come in, mom.”

“Hey babygirl, what are you working on?” Lena asks, putting her face inside your bedroom and you look up from your prototype.

“Anti-kryptonite force field.”

“Oh, that’s cool.” She walks in and sits in your bed in front of you. “How does it work?”

“It doesn’t, yet.” You give her the prototype. “But when it does, this bracelet will automatically generate a force field around you as soon as you enter a space with kryptonite. No matter which one.”

“That’s bold. So why is it not working?” Lena looks at the calculations on your notebook.

“Well, it might be, but I can’t test it without being exposed to kryptonite, so...” You shrug.

“Do you want me to test it for you?” She seems excited to work on it and you agree with your head. “Really? That’s great! I’ll take it to the lab tomorrow! Can I have the notes too?”

“Sure.” You point at the notebook and she picks it up again.

“You can come by after school tomorrow and we can work on it together.” She says while flipping through the pages.

“I can’t, I have training.”

“You do? I thought training was on Mondays.” She is still looking at your notes.

“Oh, it’s, um, with Nia. She’s helping me with the powers and Aunt Alex with combat.” She looks up to you right away.

“And your momma?”

“I thought maybe she could be just my momma from now on.”

“Oh.” It’s her only reaction.

“Do you think she’ll hate me for it?” You ask looking down. Lena puts all the things she is holding aside and hugs you tenderly.

“She could never hate you.” Lena kisses your forehead and you smile lightly. “It will take her a while to get used to that, you know how much she likes being around you all the time, but things will fall into place.”

“Yeah, I can’t wait for things to fall into place.”

“Have you spent any time with her lately?” Lena asks and you shake your head disagreeing. “I thought she was your best friend.”

“Jamie’s my best friend.”

“Right. But she was close second?” She’s not exactly asking, and you know. You shrug. “I know you are hers.”

“I thought you were.”

“Oh, I was. And then you were born and I happily gave up that title so you could hold it.”

“Mom, I…” You breathe heavily. “I can’t.”

“No pressure, baby. You have to respect your time, but just think about it, ok?” She stands up grabbing your prototype and your notes. “I’ll test it tomorrow, and I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks mom.”

Lena closes the door and you lay on your bed thinking about what she said. You don’t want to use your super hearing, but sometimes your powers have a mind of their own, and you can’t really control them. That used to upset you, but now you just embrace it.

“Hey, is that her project?” You hear Kara’s voice.

“Yeah. Automatic anti-kryptonite force field generator.” Lena’s voice comes and you can hear she’s very proud of you. “It’s amazing, and I never thought of this.”

“Wow. That’s incredible! Does it work?” Kara also sounds impressed.

“I’ll test it tomorrow. But the math looks right.” You can hear Lena’ smile through her voice.

“She’s so clever, I can’t believe she’s my daughter sometimes.” Kara says and you hear a deep breath, but you don’t know from who.

“Are you ok? With the whole training with Nia and Alex thing?” Your heart skips a beat and you even hold your breath to hear better.

“I’m, yeah, it’s fine.”

“Kara.” Lena calls her on her bullshit. She doesn’t answer for a while. You think this is the time for you to stop listening. You should put your headphones or something like that, but then you hear:

“I’m so sad, Lena.” Her voice comes out small, and you know she’s crying. “She didn’t, she didn’t call me when she got shot. And now she is going to train with other people. She doesn’t need me anymore.”

“That’s not true, honey. She needs you.”

“She doesn’t though. She has you to help her with science. She has Jamie to talk to, Nia to help her with her powers, Alex to call for help.” She’s crying so much it’s hard for you to listen. “Lena, I have superpowers and she called Alex to help her!”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“We used to be so close, and then I ruined it. She used to tell me everything, and now she won’t even talk to me. And it’s all my fault.”

“Just give her time. She’ll come around. She always does.” You can hear the pain in Lena’s voice too. It’s so hard to keep listening.

“I think this time is different. I told her to use the watch only for emergencies and she got shot, but thought she was not emergency worthy. Then, Lena, I beat my own daughter. I told her horrible things and I left her all alone. I don't think she'll come around.”

“Kara, hey hey. That wasn’t you.” Now you and Lena are both crying too.

“I know! Of course it wasn’t me. But-but it was my face she saw flying away while she was suffocating and begging for help. It was my voice she heard yelling for her to get up over and over again, even when she couldn’t.” There’s a long pause when you can only hear crying and desperate noises leaving her mouth. “Lena, when she was born, I promised I would always keep her safe, now it’s my name she associates with pain.”

You are also crying hard now. What are you doing? What were you thinking? What Kara did was bad. But what you are doing now is just as bad, if not worse. You know how much pain she is in. She’ll never forgive herself for any of that, and you’re not forgiving her either.

It’s red kryptonite. It’s not like you are immune to it. What if you get exposed and you physically hurt the people that you love the most, and they can’t forgive you for that? What if you say every single unfiltered dumb thought you’ve ever had in your life and they hold you accountable for it?

And it’s Kara of all people. She is the person you want to see whenever you feel sad. She is the arms you want around you every time you cry. She is the one you want to calm you after a panic attack, or a nightmare. She is also the person you want to go on waterslides with, and laugh with, and sing with. So, what the hell are you doing?

You use your super speed and run to their bedroom, quickly opening the door. Kara’s holding her pillow with so much strength it looks like it’s about to explode. Lena is kissing her shoulders and hugging her sideways.

“Momma.” They both raise their heads to look at you crying on their doorstep. You run to Kara’s lap before they can say anything, and she drops the pillow to hold you instead. “I’m sorry.”

“Little one, what happened?” She asks wiping your tears, even though her face is wet from her own tears. She immediately stops looking sad and starts looking worried.

“I’m-I’m horrible. It wasn’t you, I’m so sorry.” You hold her as tight as you can. “I know you would never hurt me. I know.”

“Hey, you’re not horrible! You’re perfect.” Kara says kissing your head. “You’re my baby. I love you so much, kid. I’m sorry you had to go through all of this. I wish you never got hurt like this.”

“But you didn’t mean to hurt me. It was the red kryptonite. I don’t have that excuse for hurting you like I’ve been doing.” You’re still clinging to her so hard you didn’t even notice Lena has left to give you two some privacy.

“Baby, I’m ok. We’re ok.” But you can’t stop crying and you can feel Kara’s tears falling on you. “We’re going to be just fine, kid. I promise.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Hey. You don’t have to apologize.” She hugs you tight and breathes in relief. “You didn’t do anything bad, my love. I did. I hurt you and I said horrible things and I’m sorry for all of them.”

“You were right though. I’m crying to my mommy like a little baby.” Kara wipes your tears, and then hers, and she smiles at you.

“You have no idea how happy I am for this.” She kisses your forehead. “Little one, I love you more than anything and anyone in the universe.”

“I heard that.” Lena says putting her head in the door frame. Ok so, apparently, she wasn’t exactly giving you guys privacy.

Kara calls her with her hand and Lena comes to the bed and holds you too. You’re squeezed between you moms, and your heart calms down a little. You’re home.

“I love you both so much.” Lena kisses your forehead, and Kara’s lips. “I’m so glad you two are fine.”

“Yeah.” You smile. “We’re fine.”

And it’s true. Things finally fall into place, and you and Kara are perfectly fine again. You’re still training combat with aunt Alex, because it got way more fun now that Jamie joined too, and Kara noticed it. But she always joins your training sessions with Nia, which is great and really fun. You’re happy in your new found confidence and when you look at Kara, you see the real one, and not the freakish version anymore.

So, for the first time in a while, you are actually fine.

Notes:

That’s it for this series, I really hope you all enjoyed it!

Another shout out for my idea buddy @hermen0404 who came up with the prompt in the first place

#supercorp #supergirl #kara danvers #kara x lena #lena luthor #supercorp fanfic #supercorpfamily #supercorp daughter #kara x reader #lena x reader #reader insert

[winterscaptain]

redamancy.

Aaron Hotchner x Female Reader a joyful future fic

a/n: the moment you’ve all been waiting for...#5 makes an appearance! (thanks to kira @good-heavens-chris-evans for helping me not be a liar and gassing me up so i could post this tonight like i promised xoxo i love you so much) words: 5.56k warnings: descriptions of childbirth (nothing too gross or graphic), swearing, disgustingly sweet family content

summary: “what strange creatures brothers are!” - jane austen. au!august 2022

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | taglist edited: january 9th, 2021

“Hey, Aaron?” You peer around the wall to the bedroom from your place on the master bath toilet. There isn't any urgency to your query, which would later make you both laugh until you can't breathe. 

Aaron has a book in his lap and reading glasses resting on his perfect nose, as is usual for bedtime. He turns a page. “Hm?”

“When you get to a good stopping point, can you grab the go bag?” 

“Yeah.” He gets up on autopilot, setting his book down. When he reaches the bedroom doorway, he freezes and turns over his shoulder “Wait. Why?”

“Oh, nothing extreme,” you say, your voice light. “My water just broke and I figured we might -“

Your name leaves his mouth in a laugh, and he trots back to you, helping you up and kneeling to assist you with your comfiest pair of pajama pants. You steady yourself with a hand on his shoulder, stepping into one leg, then the other. Playfully, he snaps the stretchy waistband around you. He's still kneeling before you when he says, “You’re insane, you know that?”

You smile down at him and scrub your fingers through his hair. He leans into your touch like a cat and closes his eyes. “You are too, I’d like to point out.”

He sighs, kissing your belly and resting his cheek on it. “Never said I wasn’t.” He looks up at you. “Is it weird that I’m...a little sad? I’ve loved this part of our lives so much.”

You shake your head. “Me too, my love. And no, It isn’t weird.” 

He holds your hands as he stands and kisses your forehead. 

“We should probably tell Jack it's go time so he can help the little ones when they get up.”

Aaron pauses for a moment, thinking. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Isaac isn’t going to clearly remember last time, so he’ll probably be nervous, and this is totally new to the girls.” You reach up and he plants a kiss on your lips. You smile, pleased. 

A little contraction wave hits, and one side of your face screwed up in discomfort. 

Aaron kisses your cheek and says, “I’ll get the rest of the toiletries together.”

You nod, and padded down the hallway, your socked feet swishing a little against the hardwood floors. You knocked twice on Jack’s door, quietly, and waited for his groggy, “Yeah?”

With access granted, you open the door with a little smile, and Jack sits straight up.  You cross to his bed and sit down on the edge, opening your arm to him. Though he’s almost seventeen, he scrambled out from under the covers and tucked in close to you. 

“Your dad and I are headed to the hospital, and Aunt Jess and Em are on their way okay? If you need anything big, dad has his phone and -“

“Mom, we’ve done this before,” he says with a grin. “I know the drill.”

You push the hair off his forehead and kiss him. “I know it, but it makes me feel better. The little ones haven’t done this before, and they’ll probably be a little nervous. Please help your aunts so they aren’t driven to the drink by your sisters.”

He laughs a little, and surprises you by wrapping his arms around your shoulders and pulling you close to him. “Be safe, mom. I love you.” 

Tears prick at your eyes, and you hold him tight. “I love you so much, Jack.”

“Are you scared?”

You press a hand to the back of his head, and he burrows into your neck. “Only a little. I know I’m older, which can make some things difficult, but I’ll always come home to you.”

He nods. “Promise?”

“I promise as much as I can.”

Jack pulls away and swipes quickly at his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“Hey,” your brow crinkles in lighthearted concern. “What’s gotcha?”

He shakes his head. “It’s stupid”

“I can guarantee you it’s not.” While still a bit of a boy, Jack looks very much a man in the dark, lit only by the light of the hallway as the wheels turn in his head. You pick up one of his hands, and he places your linked fingers over your belly. 

“I just - I don’t - Ugh. It’s morbid - Nevermind.”

You huff a laugh. “Baby, remember that one-third of this house hunts serial killers for a living. Nothing is morbid.”

A smile quirks at his lips, but it doesn’t really reach his eyes. “Just be okay? Please?”

You sober and nod, pressing a hand to his cheek. “Jack, do you think I would ever put you or your father into a position that can result in leaving either one of you?”

He shakes his head. “But things happen.”

“They sure do. Your dad will be with me the whole time and he can send you hourly updates if you want. I promise promise promise you’ll be in the loop, baby. I know you like to know.”

Your son’s eyes flicker to the doorway, where a shadow appears. It's Aaron, his backpack on and your go bag in his hand. 

“Ready?” 

You nod, stand (not without effort), and press another kiss to Jack’s head. “I love you bud. I’ll see you when our plus one arrives.” 

The plan is easy: Emily and Jessica are on their way over for the kids, and Dave and Spencer will relieve them after 12 hours. Derek, Savannah, JJ, and Will are only called when the baby arrives, to save them the angst of prematurely wrangling four children between them. 

The hospital is only eighteen minutes away, but with the way Aaron drives, it's more like ten. 

Time is fairly important - with your body accustomed to delivering babies, having done it twice before, there’s a very big chance active labor would only take a few hours, if that. 

Emily and Jess pull up to the house at the same time, both in their pajamas, holding their overnight bags.

“Ready?” Jess asks, kissing your cheek. 

You laugh. “Don’t have much of a choice now, do I?” 

Emily sets her things down and wordlessly hugs you. You wrap your arms around her as best you can. 

“Walk me out?” You ask. 

She slings an arm around your shoulders and you walk back out the front door. She situates you in the passenger seat, and you offer her a small smile. 

“You know,” she starts with a bit of a laugh, “every single time I’m just as nervous as I was when Henry was born.” 

You reach for her hand, and kiss the back of it. “Me too.” 

Everything goes according to plan after that. You sit in the car with your stopwatch while Aaron packs the car, checking the car seat base and putting everything that needs to go up with you in the trunk. Jess and Emily get set up on the couches in the living room, ready to settle in for the night. 

You're uncomfortable, sure, but it isn't unbearable yet. This is the tedious part. 

Miraculously, none of the little ones wake up in the commotion. The magic of white noise machines is never to be underestimated. 

“Time?” He calls from where he leans into the back of the car. He's handling the last details, in full field operations mode. 

You turn around. “5 minutes, 15 seconds.”

“Alright,” he looks up at you and grins widely. “Let’s go, baby.”

+++

Brienne breezes in and checks your charts and your dilation. “It’s go, time, here I think, Momma.”

You sigh and readjust. “Do I have to lay down?” Comfortable as you are, epidural all finished, you still feel a little restless. The alternative is worse - you’d delivered Isaac without any pain management, and thought it was the end of days. You didn’t, and won’t, make that mistake again. 

“Not necessarily, but if you’re going to shuffle around I would suggest a squat for the sake of your blood pressure.”

Another contraction hits, and it knocks the wind out of you. You squeeze Aaron’s hand so hard you fear you’ll break it, and inform him for the third time that morning that you hate his guts. 

“I know, honey. I’m sorry. I know. I’m the worst. Just breathe, okay?” He presses his forehead to your temple, giving you something to focus on. 

It sounds like you tell him to fuck off, but you aren’t sure. The wave crests and then falls, and you slump back against the pillows. “Okay, maybe I do want to lie down.” 

Everyone stifles a chuckle, but you didn't have it in you to be prideful. While you still have a few seconds, you double-check the plan. “Hey Brienne, we’re still good to tie today, right?” 

“Yes, ma’am!” she says, way too chipper for the small morning hour. She speaks quickly, knowing she has to finish her thought before your next contraction. “Soon as we’re all done, we’ll do a really quick procedure and everything will be squared away. If, for some reason, we have to do an emergency cesarean, we can do it right then as well.” 

Brienne is a great obstetrician - she never pulls punches when the news is difficult or stressful. Her straightforward nature immediately endeared her to your whole family. 

It's too much to think about, seeing as another contraction sneaks up on you as you ponder. It felt like only seconds since the last one. 

You're so tired. 

Brienne gestures to Aaron. They developed a bit of a language over the last two deliveries, and he presses a kiss to your temple. “You gotta push, babe.” 

“God, Fuck. I hate you, Aaron. Goddamn you. I’m never letting you near me ever again. Fuck.” A stream of expletives continues to leave you as you push and push and push. 

He only holds your hand and reminds you to breathe and push. He also tells you how much he loves you in between agreeing with your damning assessments. 

If he's honest, he always thinks your ire during childbirth is hilarious. It is kind of his fault, and he can't fathom the physical trauma, so he figures this is a fair role to fill while you do the hard work. 

On a small trough in your final set of contractions, you catch your breath enough to ask for his other hand. This is the hardest part, and it always makes you a little nervous. 

“Aaron, come here. Please.” He drapes his arm around your shoulders, and you grab his hand where it hangs by your collarbone. 

“You’re almost there, darlin’! We’re gonna be crowning here in a second.” You can't see Brienne, totally locked into her task, but her update is a relief. 

You lean heavily into Aaron and he rests his cheek against yours. While this is a shorter labor than both Isaac and the girls’, you're exhausted. Bone-deep tired and hot and cold all at once. 

“You’re doing so well. You’re a superhero. I love you so much.” He whispers his words against you, and you wail as another contraction hit.  Your choice of a walking epidural doesn’t knock the pain out entirely, and it still totally sucks. But again, better than the alternative.

“We’ve got a little Hotchner head! Keep going!” Brienne pats your knee and grins at you, and you follow instructions. “Do you want to catch, Dad?”

Before he can answer, you tell him, “If you move, I’ll kill you,” through your teeth. Aaron shrugs and looks over your head at Brienne, who suppresses a smile. 

There can't be any blood left in Aaron’s upper extremities at this point. In the midst of actively disliking him and your presence in your life in that particular moment, you're so grateful for him you could cry. 

Well, you could cry for a great number of reasons, but that’s definitely one of them. 

A few minutes and a pretty bad time later, a strong cry fills the room and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Aaron releases you as you unbutton your gown to expose your chest. 

“Your time to shine, Aaron.” Brienne holds up the umbilical cord clamp and snaps it together twice like a dad at a barbecue. With a smile, he stands and rounds the bed. 

You tried to peer over to see, but you're only able to see Aaron and Brienne.

A smile eats up his whole face. 

“Hi!” His voice pitches up, and you start to cry. 

You just love him so much your chest could just burst. Aaron is always the first person to greet your children as they come into the world, and he never fails to deliver a warm welcome. 

“Right here, right?” He looks to Brienne, and she nods. He cuts the cord, and the nurse crosses the room for measurements. 

Aaron returns to you and removes his own shirt, ready to take the little one while you finish delivery. After his crew neck is thrown to the side, he gathers you up in his arms again. 

There’s nothing you can do but melt into him. His skin is warm and he smells good, whereas your skin felt clammy and you probably smell like a horse’s ass. 

Brienne’s voice comes to you faintly from the other side of the room, iterating the specs of the newest addition. “Baby Boy Hotchner, 5:37am, August 13th, 8 pounds, 14 ounces, 21 inches.”

Okay I'm not crazy. He’s actually huge. 

Aaron scoots even closer as you lean away to get a better look. Brienne sets the still-squalling infant on your chest with gentle, warm hands. Your eyes blur with tears. Aaron isn't any better off, keeping one hand on you and another on your son, his own tears tracking quietly down his cheeks. 

Your son. 

Brienne sighs and says, “Alright, last bit here, and then you’re done.” 

You nod and Aaron takes him off your chest, leaning back with one hand under him and one hand over him. Fluid and other questionable grossness be damned, he ducks his head and presses his cheek to his son’s head, an ineffable joy radiating through his body. 

Aaron’s hands almost completely cover him - with his little knees tucked to his chest, he looks like an angry little loaf of bread. 

The afterbirth is the easy part, but then it was before, too. All the Hotchner kids are massive - even the girls were bigger for twins. 

You always make fun of Aaron for “ripping me to shreds, and not in a fun way.” 

(Okay, fine. Maybe a little in a fun way. Sometimes.)

There’s a little more pressure, and you look down at Brienne’s outline behind that infernal green medical paper shit. “How’s it going down there?”

“I’m getting these suckers tied off so we don’t have any more happy accidents. Don’t mind me.” 

Aaron stifles a laugh and you roll your eyes, still weepy. The nurse passes him a warm, wet washcloth, and he begins to wipe the ick from his son’s skin. 

Brienne finishes up and helps you get adjusted with ice packs and that excellent postpartum underwear. When she's satisfied, she removes her gloves and presses a hand to your bare shoulder. “Beautiful work, momma. He’s perfect.” 

You put a shaky hand over hers. “Thanks.” A little watery laugh leaves you. Ouch. “I’ll miss you.” 

And it's true. Brienne has been a semi-permanent fixture in your life for close to six years and has become a friend. You wouldn’t have any reason to see her again outside of regular check-ups. 

She squeezes your shoulder twice. “You ever need anything, you know who to call. Let someone know when you’re ready to put his name down, and they’ll finish off the birth certificate.” 

With that, she shepherds the nurse out the door, and you're alone with Aaron. 

“So,” you say. 

He smiles, his eyes still trained on the little body who has quickly quieted and is snoozing on his chest. “So?”

“Gimme that.” 

His laugh is warm, and he places little one on your chest again. You prod him awake, feeling only a touch bad about it, and offer him a snack. He latches right away, and you tip your head back in sheer relief. 

“Thank God.” 

Aaron nods in agreement. “That’s one less thing to worry about.” He shakes his head as if shaking something off - no doubt remembering the meltdowns night after night trying to nurse Isaac. 

Little one is still naked to the world, so you point at the little blue blanket folded across the room. “Can you grab that for me?” 

Aaron just looks at you for a second, as if seeing you for the first time.  “Of course.” 

He crosses the room, throws the blanket over his shoulder, and grabs a diaper. While the little one is distracted, he deftly maneuvers the diaper into place and drapes the blanket over him to keep the chill off while maintaining skin-to-skin.

You pull the blanket back a little so you can see his squishy little face. “Can you call Jack?” 

“Do we want to call him now? It’s pretty early.” Aaron leans over to his backpack and pulls his phone out, finding a couple requests for updates from Jess. First things first, he turns the camera on you, and you give him a thumbs up. You detach the little one from your nipple for a second, framing his face with the blanket. Aaron gets a good photo of a yawn and fires both pictures off to the BAU group chat before checking Jess’s messages. 

4:12am How we doin? 4:18am Jack’s up with me. He can’t sleep. Em is dead to the world - she gave up about an hour ago. Give us an update when you can. 

6:02am He’s adorable!!! He’s got your nose though, which is unfortunate. 6:02am Kidding. Maybe. 

Aaron laughs a little, and he looks at you. “He’s up with Jess.”

You nod. “Go ahead and call him. He’ll worry, honey.” 

He nods, and dials the second number on his speed dial. Jack picks up on the first ring. “Dad?”

“Hey, bud.” Aaron can't hide the smile in his voice. “Your brother is here and your mom wants to talk to you.” 

“Can I come see you?” Jack’s voice wavers a little, and Aaron knows it's relief, rather than anxiety. Much like his son, he was more than a little concerned for your safety. Now that it's over, he can finally relax. 

That alone is enough to make anyone emotional. 

Aaron checks his watch. “Are you too tired to drive?” 

“No, no. I’m good. I slept a little after you guys left.” he's quiet for a second. “Can you hand me to mom?”

“Sure, bud.” Aaron nods at you and you smile. He starts to pass the phone over to you then -

“Oh, dad?” Jack’s voice is only a little urgent. 

Aaron pulls the phone back to his ear. “Yeah?”

“I love you.” 

“I love you too, bud. I want to talk to Aunt Jess when you’re done with mom, so don’t hang up, okay?” 

With that, he hands you the phone and fresh tears roll down your cheeks. You know this part comes in waves - the emotions. Your hormones are in shambles, and you forget how intense it is every time. 

“Hey, Jack.” 

“Are you okay how did it go what happened?” All the questions come out in a rush.

You chuckle. Ouch. “Slow down there, kiddo. We’re just fine. It went really smoothly, but the last part happened kind of all at once and I denied your father personal freedom and geographic agency, so we didn’t get a chance to update you.” 

He laughs, and it warms you. “It’s okay. I’m really excited to meet him.” There’s a shuffle, and you assume it's his keys. 

Baby boy is finished eating, just nosing around your chest at this point. You shift, and Hotch catches the phone and holds it to your ear so you can use two hands, bringing little one’s head right under your collarbone, tucking him up again. “He’s excited to meet you, too.”

After Aaron has a chance to debrief and game-plan with Jess (“If you bring the little ones over here before 10am, nobody will have any fun.”), Jack is on his way. 

In the meantime, Aaron sets his phone on the side table and sits on the edge of your bed. “Are we sticking to the name we picked? Does it feel right?”

You nod. “I think so. What do you think?”

You do your best to inch yourself over - Ouch - so Aaron can have a little more space. He stretches out on the bed next to you, on his side with his arm folded under his head. A very large hand covers yours, pulling the blanket down to little one’s chin. 

“He looks like you,” he says. 

You snort. Ouch. “Don’t lie. All your damn kids look like you.”

“Alright, fine.” He relents with a wide smile. “He looks like me.” 

He's quiet for a moment, tracing the apple of little one’s cheek with his finger.  His smile morphs into something soft, pensive. It's the look he always has when he's in awe of his children. “What do you think, little man? Is your name Elliot David? How’s that sitting with you?”

The Elliot David in question just makes contented little staccato sounds from his chest, his brown eyes looking here and there, surprisingly alert. He lets out a little cough, and both you and Aaron let out an, “Oh!” simultaneously in that drawn-out way parents do when their kids surprise themselves. 

You look at him and stifle a laugh just for the sake of your exhausted muscles. Aaron’s smile soon turns shaky, and tears fall onto his elbow where it rests under his head. He takes a big breath, and it catches on the way out. 

“Oh, honey. Come here.” 

You adjust again, bringing the head of the bed down with the little remote. As you recline, you only need one hand to keep Elliot secure. You raise your other arm, and Aaron scoots under it, resting his head in the crook of your chest and shoulder. He snaps some buttons on your gown in the absent-minded interest of keeping Jack relatively unscarred. 

Aaron’s bare arm is warm under your fingers. You trace little patterns into his skin as he stares at the back of his son’s head. Elliot’s impossibly small hand catches Aaron’s finger in that death grip only babies seem to have. 

Aaron doesn’t care he's nearly twenty-four hours without sleep, missing a shirt, and really hungry. The only things that matter in this moment are right here in front of him. 

There’s no need to speak. 

A nurse stops by and drops off the bedside cradle, speaking quietly. “You can put him in here when you’re ready to get some rest.” 

You look up and thank him. “Oh, and we’d like to finish the birth certificate in a few hours. Will that be alright?”

He nods. “Just fine.” He checks your charts and leaves a few moments later. 

Soon after, the door slips open, and Jack’s head pops in. “Hi!” He stage-whispers. “Lemme see him.” 

Aaron is stuck where he is, still locked in by Elliot’s grip, so Jack crosses to your other side, pulling up a chair as close as he can get it. 

There is a sense of finality to this meeting. Elliot is your last child, and this is the last time the Three Musketeers will sit together, meeting the newest member of their family. 

“Oh man, Mom. He’s so cute.” Jack coos and ducks so he's eye-level with his baby brother. He traces a finger along Elliot’s tiny, straight nose. When he rests his head on your upper arm, you kiss his head. All three of you sit there until the sun rises, watching Elliot fall asleep. Aaron follows suit eventually, his breath fanning slow and even across your chest. 

+++

The three of you are relatively well-rested by the time your family comes to bombard you. 

Elliot woke twice in the early morning - once to be fed and the other to be changed. Jack retreated to the recliner after a certain point, and Aaron threw on a sweatshirt and curled up next to you for the duration. They're still out cold, while you rest somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. 

One of the nurses on rotation pops her head in. You wave at her with the tips of your fingers. 

“Your family is here to see you.” 

That wakes you up. You make an ‘eek’ face. “All of them?”

She nods. “Three at a time?” 

“Please.” You reach over and pick up a neatly-swaddled Elliot and tuck him into your elbow. You check the corner, where Jack still sleeps. You're sure a train could drive through the room and he’d still be out. That kid has sleeping superpowers - being sixteen only helped.  

Jess is first, holding the girls’ hands while Isaac trails a little behind. 

You put a finger to your lips and point to Elliot. “He’s sleeping, so you have to be really quiet, okay?”

Caroline clambers up on the bed with a few reminders to “be gentle with Mom and don’t lean on her too much,” and peers over you. “Is Daddy sleeping?”

You look to your right, and sure enough, Aaron is out like a light again, performance evaluations on his chest, his hand relaxed around his pen. “Yeah, baby. Daddy’s sleeping because he's awake for a really long time helping me with Elliot.” 

Newly reminded of the main event, Caro plants herself by your knee while Sophia sits by your hip, taking the good real estate. You look over at Jess and wink. She slips out, closing the door softly behind her. 

You scoot over so you're flush with Aaron’s side. “Come on up here, bubba.” 

Isaac gives you a little smile and perches at your side. “He’s so small.” 

“Yep. And look at that,” you brush your fingers down Elliot’s nose and tap his cupid bow before doing the same to Isaac. “You have the same nose.” 

Isaac smiles and raises a tentative hand. He hesitates right before he reaches the dark brown peach fuzz that sits in unmanageable cowlicks on Elliot’s head. 

“You can touch him, bub. Just be gentle.” Isaac’s hand smooths over Elliot’s head with next-to-no pressure. “Do you remember when Sophia and Caroline were born?” 

Isaac nods. “It was super cool.”

“It was super cool.” You kiss his forehead and adjust your hold on Elliot. “Sophia, love, can you hand me the pillow that’s by Daddy’s knee.” 

She nods and very carefully presents it to you. You show her how to stuff it under your elbow so you can relax while supporting Elliot’s head. Caro is clearly enamored, her eyes never leaving Elliot’s face. 

“Babies are really delicate,” you remind a wiggling Sophia. “Their heads are too heavy for their little necks, so sometimes they need a little help.” 

At the mention of ‘help,’ Aaron’s eyes snap open. “What’s up?”  

You suppress a laugh as he realizes all of his kids surround him like the children of the corn. He presses a hand to his face, recovering. “Oh. Hi.”

Caro beams at him, and he beams right back. He puts his files down and pats his lap. “Come here, my little love. I’ve got a really good view over here.” 

She very mindfully picks her way over your shins and into her father’s lap. He lifts her so she's flush to his chest. His cheek presses into her hair, and he shows her where to find Elliot’s little baby toes under the blanket. 

“Are his feet very very small?” Caroline’s whispered question almost makes Aaron cry again. 

“Yes. They are very very small. So are his hands. Here, look.” 

He reaches over and peels back a layer of blanket, exposing one of Elliot’s (very very) small hands, pressed flat against the fabric. Aaron wiggles his finger under it and presents it to the kids. “If you look really carefully, you all have the same hands.” 

All at once, three pairs of hands appear, flipping their palms up and down as each one individually assesses the similarities. 

“And if you look even closer,” he says, flipping his palm down, but keeping Elliot’s hand aloft, “I have the same hands as all of you, too.”

Caroline looks up at him, awestruck and he nods. She places her hand on the back of Aaron’s and - lo and behold - they're the same shape, just significantly different sizes. 

Satisfied, Sophia drops her hands, leaning on them to get a closer, yet stable, look at Elliot’s fingers. 

She gasps, but to her credit, keeps her voice soft as she says, “Look at his tiny little nails!” 

“Lemme see!” Aaron supports Caro as she thrusts her body forward to get a better look. 

Jack stirs in the corner, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. In full voice, he says, “Oh, hey guys.” 

Three big shushes come from the kids, and it takes everything in you to keep your laugh locked away. You keep your eyes trained on Sophia (who looks downright offended at Jack’s volume) knowing if you look at Aaron you’d be done for. 

Jack makes the same ‘eek’ face you made earlier. “Sorry, sorry.” He creeps over, standing behind Sophia and putting his hands on her shoulders. She giggles quietly as he drops close to her ear. “Cute, huh?”

She wrinkles her nose. “He looks a little funny.” 

“He’ll start to look more like a person in a few weeks,” Aaron says with a smile. “You looked pretty funny the day you're born, maybe even funnier.”

He winks at her, and she dissolves into a fit of giggles again, leaning back against Jack. As she did so, her brother wrapped her in his arms and rested his chin on her head. 

Isaac runs his hand over Elliot’s hair, gentle and repetitive. He, like Jack did hours earlier, rests his head against your shoulder. You press your cheek to the crown of his head, soaking it in. 

“I like him.” 

A smile breaks your face in half, and you peer around to look at Isaac’s face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s cool.” 

Your bottom lip disappears into your mouth as you fight back tears, still ready to flow without fair warning. You don’t want to scare them. “I’m so glad you think so, bubba.” 

Elliot has once again taken Aaron’s finger hostage, and it takes more than a little negotiation to get him unwrapped and tucked back into his blanket. You have no idea how Elliot manages to sleep through all the commotion, but then again, he’ll have to get used to it. 

Jess pokes her head back in. “Ready for some lunch?”

Four heads whip around and nod vigorously. Aaron deposits Caro on the floor, while Isaac presses a heart-wrenching kiss to Elliot’s head before gingerly getting his feet back under him. Jack just lifts Sophia and she hangs off his hip, only a little too big. 

He walks to you and kisses your cheek. “I love you, Mom.”

You bring your hand up to his temple, the back of your fingers brushing his hair back. “I love you too, my Jack.” 

One side of his mouth turns up in a smile, and he leaves the room with Sophia, leading the rest of the pack down the hallway. 

+++

It's safe to say Dave immediately covets his namesake. You plop Elliot into his arms right away, and say, “This is Elliot David Hotchner. He’s been very excited to meet you.”

Dave full-on cries, letting the tears just fall onto his shirt as he bounces Elliot all around the room, talking to him about all the ways he’ll spoil him rotten. 

It’s easy to name him after Rossi. When you finally decided on a couple of first names, it was a no-brainer to pair them up with David. He’s your family, like they all are, but you're acutely aware that Elliot will have the smallest amount of time with Dave, no matter how much time that will be. 

When Dave is ready to give him up, he reluctantly passes him back to Aaron. Dave crosses to you while Aaron offers Elliot a knuckle to mouth around on. 

Dave kisses your cheeks and embraces you. He leans back to look at you, keeping his hands on your face. You cover his hands with your own and close your eyes. 

You're taking a lot of mental pictures today. 

He presses a kiss to your forehead, and you're sure you see Aaron’s one-handed camera work out of the corner of your eye. 

“Thank you, bellissima.” 

“You’ve more than earned it,” you remind him.  

“Dealing with you two for fifteen years? You’re damn right I have.”

+++

a joyful future tag list:  @arganfics @quillvine @stxrryspencer @agenthotchner @wandaswitxh @hurricanejjareau @fics-ilike @ange-must-die @ughitsbaby @rousethemouse @criminalsmarts @dr-reid-ismyspiritanimal @shrimpyblog @genevievedarcygranger @ssaic-jareau @saintd0lce @good-heavens-chris-evans @angelsbabey @gublergirls @writefasttalkevenfaster @venusbarnes @vintagecaptainspidey @micaiahmoonheart @ogmilkis @thatreallyis-americas-ass @marvels-agents100 @newtslatte @risenfox @mrs-dr-reid @captain-christopher-pike @joemazzello-imagines @pinkdiamond1016 @sebbybaby0 @pan-pride-12 @hotchlinebling @lee-rin-ah @sunshine-em @word-scribbless @jdougl-love @sageellsworth05 @emmice9 @nohalohoseok @giveusbackourbucky @bauslut @yourlovelynewsbian @sparklingkeylimepie @aili28 @kingandrear @reader4027 @spnobsessedmemes @rogers-mouth @dreila03 @forgottenword @aaronhotchnerr @ssa-morgan @hotchnersgoddess @buckybau @phoenixfyre374 @sana-li @tegggeeee @abschaffer2 @ssacandi-ass-prentiss @thatinspiredgirl @songbird400 @dontkissthewriter @ellyhotchner @a-dorky-book-keeper @lotties-journey-abroad @mrs-joel-pimentel-23-25 @laneygthememequeen @ahopelessromantic @violentvulgarvolatile @andreasworlsboring101 @mooneylupinblack @ssareidbby @violet-amxthyst @bwbatta @roses-and-grasses @synonymforlame @lcvischmitt

#aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner #hotch x reader #hotch #aaron hotchner imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds #tali writes fanfiction #tali talks cm #a joyful future #hotch imagine #a joyful future fanfic

[angels-silhouette]

Late Night Worries {h.s.}

Hiii!! I’m fairly new to the Harry fic writing, I only intend to use him as a face/name claim. That’s what makes me comfy :))

This is a blurb about Harry and his wife who has a little trouble seeing past the “bad” parts of being a parent. A mention of previous trauma but no details, other than that hopefully it hits you in the feels!

I hope whoever comes across this enjoys it!! Happy reading :) I love getting feedback, don’t be afraid to message me!!

“Harry? Are you awake baby?”

The only times he’s able to be woken up is either from his wife saying his name for whatever reason she has for interrupting the precious few hours of rest he gets, or it’s when he hears his 3 month old baby boy crying. It’s so natural to him now that it instantly jolts him awake. “Now I am, yeah. What’s wrong?” As he rubs his eyes and sits up and rests on one of his elbows.

Y/N, although she knows that it’s a ridiculous and an irrelevant fear now, she can’t help but worry herself to the brink of insomnia. Ever since she gave birth, her already huge heart, got even bigger and even more emotional. Her “mom heart” as she calls it, doesn’t want to see her pure son turn into someone who will resent her for how she parents him. Not letting him go out too late, or grounding him when he gets a bad grade in school, or sneaks in a girl, or a guy, into the house when he isn’t supposed to.

When Y/N is this upset her throat usually closes up because she’s trying to hold in her tears, so they sit there awhile in the darkness. Harry knows exactly what’s going on with her, which is why he’s being so patient. They’ve been together a while and he has learned not to rush her when she gets emotional, it only agitates her more when he is pushy then y/n usually tells him whatever she’s thinking isn’t really important.

After a few long minutes she’s finally able to swallow normally and that’s when y/n gushes all of her insecurities out, “I don’t want our sweet boy to hate me, Harry. I don’t think I can handle that. What if I do something wrong and he wishes that I was never his mother? I don’t want to be broken like that, I’m not ready for that.” Y/N has to take a deep breath to steady herself. Nervously picking at the remaining nail polishh on her fingernails she proceeds slowly, “And what if I break him? I don’t want our son to know the trauma I’ve been through, I don’t want to project that onto him like my parents did to me. What if I’m not healed by then? What if I’m not ready to be a mom, H?”

Everything that y/n has said rings through Harry’s ears and it’s painful. He doesn’t understand how she can be having all of these stressors. Maybe it’s from the lack of sleep? The first thing that he does is turn on his lamp on his bedside table so he can have a proper look at her. And what Harry sees immediately is her purple-blue under eyes, the tears staining her cheeks and her sad but really cute red nose.

“Y/N, honey, c’mere.” They’re both sitting up at this point and y/n crawls up onto Harry’s lap and hugs him. “Take deep breaths for me, yeah? Only gonna make yourself more miserable and tired for tomorrow.”

He rubs her back and then switches to playing with her hair, that’s what calms her and usually it’s a recipe for sleepiness. He doesn’t do it for too long because he still has to make sure she’s not up all night worrying about situations that haven’t happened yet. Sniffling is a good sign, it means that y/n has settled down enough for her to really listen to what Harry has to tell her. A little trick he’s learned, instead of trying to get her to understand where he’s coming from when she’s too stressed to think of another perspective.

Harry breaks the silence, “Y/N, could you look at me please? There ya go, hi darling.” He smiles warming, looking into her eyes with so much reassurance it almost seems impossible. “I know that you haven’t been getting much sleep the last few weeks and it might be hard not to see this, but I promise you that our baby will not hate you. You wanna know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you are the most caring, compassionate, and loving person that I have ever known and probably will ever come to know. Whatever the situation or punishment might be, you will be doing it with the pure kindness that is in your heart. Like you’ve taught me, what comes with mistakes also comes with great lessons, and I’ve made many. You’ll have nice long conversations with our boy about what’s right and wrong, and you’ll teach him in a way that isn’t demeaning or make him feel like every little thing he’s done wrong is the worst thing he could ever do. He is bound to mess up and get in trouble with his Mum and he might get extremely mad at you, but I can already tell that he will have the same heart as you. He will never be angry for long and will come running back, telling you that he loves you.

“You won’t let yourself break him, or let him anywhere near the pain you’ve gone through. You’re taking care of yourself by going to therapy, yeah? Don’t worry about all these future “what if’s” y/n. I know it’s easier said than done but let's just try to focus on the present. We can figure all of that stuff out when it comes to it. For now, let’s take advantage of when he’s this small and young, because we might be wishing he’d stay a baby.”

They both giggle at that last part, it seems like they’re having a hard time now taking care of him, but both y/n and Harry know the storm of child/young adulthood is another ballgame in itself.

“Thank you Harry, for being the best husband. For listening to me, and helping me see things that I can’t in moments like these.”

“Of course, anything for you my sweet girl.” He pushes a strand of hair from y/n’s face behind her ear, looking into her now serene and cloudy eyes and gives her the softest kiss on her pouty lips. “I love you, and I love our precious boy that we made. If he ever happens to make you cry in the future, rest assured, love, that I’ll whoop his ass, not physically but you know what I’m gettin’ at.”

“I do baby, I love you both so much.” Y/N finally slides down and rests her head on Harry’s chest just above his butterfly. “I appreciate you.”

“I appreciate you too. Let’s get some rest now, how does that sound?”

#harry styles fanfic #Harry Styles #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x you #harry styles x reader #y/n #harry styles blurb #blurb #writing #short story #husband!harry #husband!h #parenting #love #harry styles imagine #imagine #harry styles one shot #one shot #harry styles concept #harry styles au #harry styles fluff #fluff #harry styles fic #i love feedback #original #angels-silhouette original #angels-silhouette

[aotopmha]

Attack on Titan in 2020

I've sort of dropped doing detailed chapter posts on the series because that type of writing wasn't very fun for me anymore and I have taken a liking to a bullet point kind of approach where I list the elements that stood out for me in the chapter or make a separate post for some specific topic I'd like to talk about in it.

I've started like 10 different posts to attempt to talk about AoT this year and I always end up with incoherent rambling because of all of the elements I'd love to to talk about.

This year's chapters were 125-135 and this year's episodes episodes 1-4 of season 4.

The anime episodes in particular have given me a lot of food for thought, so I'm just saying fuck it.

I think the biggest misstep of the story for me will forever be the fact that it decided to use fairly specific historical imagery.

The Eldians are clearly supposed to have allegorical equivalency with Jewish people, but the Jewish people were never the oppressors. There weren't any Jewish empires. That's conspiracy theory bullshit.

But on the other hand, the series clearly takes great effort to not stereotype any of the groups it's portraying and gives complex reasons for what both sides do. It's one of the few Japanese series that I've seen not stereotype Middle Eastern-coded people (Ramzi and Halil) or black people (Onyakapon). Everyone are people, it says. It even champions diversity:

(Chapter 118)

It is also very much true that a bunch of fascist states use long-term history as an excuse for their actions:

(Chapter 127)

Nation did X 2000 years ago therefore our conquest of them is justified.

This makes discussion about the series' themes like a minefield.

The people who are very critical about its imagery are right, but the people defending the series aren't wrong, either because it condemns all of those nasty ideas of conquest and hurting innocent people.

You can't have a more clear-cut condemnation of genocide:

(Chapter 127)

If you combine all of these details instead of zoning in on them one by one, to me what the story is saying is that *even if* all of that conspiracy bullshit is true, innocent people don't deserve to be slaughtered no matter the reason because they are still people who have their own feelings, thoughts and wishes.

The story clearly gets the baseline, but fumbles the details. I decided to look up some more discussion surrounding this these past few days and I just wish there was more good faith discussion about it. A lot of it feels like a moral superiority contest.

I think it's these kind of flawed stories that actually deserve detailed scruitiny over stories that are rotten to the core because they are *almost there*. Talking about them is a good topic starter in what to do and not to do in a story like this.

Speaking of rotten to the core, I think the absolute highlight of the chapters this year is Eren and some of the chapters this year finally gave me a pretty clear picture of what is going on with him.

Context from 123 certainly helps, though:

(Chapter 131)

This is about Eren's perspective. He can't accept the destruction of Paradis.

It's not that this solution was inevitable looking in from the outside (which is one of the interpretations I see around for Eren's actions), it's that *Eren* can't see any other way out of this except the most extreme because of all of the horrible things he has seen from the outside world. It is very similar to the way suicidal people can only focus on the negative.

You can tell them everything is going to be okay, but those words won't reach them because their mind won't let them and loops them back to those negative thoughts.

Eren can't see the ice cream or silly clowns. But he can see how the other Eldians in the league of Eldians are willing to push Paradis under the bus. He can see how Grisha's sister was killed. He can see how racist and cruel Marley is towards the Eldians in Liberio (and how the people have racist leanings towards other nations, too).

He can only see those bad things. But he also understands how everyone outside of the walls are human just as the people inside of the walls are.

So he is torn to pieces by guilt.

He doesn't want to do this, but he can't see any other solution.

This is why I also think he can't rob his friends of their agency. He is fighting for them to have a good future:

(Chapter 133)

(Chapter 131)

What really stood out to me on a revisit is that Eren considers himself much worse than Reiner.

I've seen criticism on how the story pushes the narrative of both sides being the same and this detail is really important to me because this is the story acknowledging that what Eren is doing is worse and gives all of the following exchanges about this the context of it being a similarity in principle.

Both sides have killed for what they think is right and have to deal with how they have killed people. This is such an important detail in the Uprising arc, too, where Erwin firmly acknowledged that overthrowing the government might not actually be the right choice by him. It was simply what he saw as right. On a narrative level this avoids absolute truths and preference of one character perspective over the other and once again makes it about individual perspectives.

The theme of individual perspectives is so ingrained in this story at this point in my eyes that it's another cornerstone in understanding what is going on with Eren to me.

I think it's great.

I also really appreciate Annie and what was done with her in this chunk of chapters.

(Chapter 127)

There has been this narrative going around that proposes that the story is in Eren's corner too much. But these chapters are nothing but questioning Eren and Annie is one of the main voices in this. It's the Marleyan girls, really and I think this is a very necessary part of making the narrative work. Once again, it separates the narrative and character perspective.

It says that the Paradis side caring is about character perspective, not what the narrative sides with and Annie is even sympathetic to Mikasa in that instance.

She gets it. Unexpectedly, I think Annie might play a bigger role in taking down Eren than expected. Her character arc about deciding to no longer go with the flow because she doesn't want any more tragedy to happen is basically calling for it.

(Chapter 128)

Another element I've seen brought up is the fact that nobody seems to address the Bert-sized elephant in the room, but some of our characters are certainly thinking about him.

This is such a thematically strong element and really interesting because Connie joined the military to make his mom proud and be a good soldier. This is the motivation behind his claim when he says they are going to save the world. But what does becoming a good soldier mean, exactly?

Well, apparently possibly gunning down people you care about.

This moment is so good because it's another moment where the idea of glory in war is taken down a peg.

The moment with Connie declaring they're going to save the world is so often criticised, but it is actually turned on its head in 128. There is no heroics in this. This is actually Connie's big "killing a person" moment because it strips away the final bit of comfort in killing in war, the excuse of killing for good moral reasons.

It is also a wonderful complex evolution of the series' themes. Trost was about fighting monsters. In the Female Titan and Clash of Titan arcs some of those monsters turned out to be human. In the Uprising, Return to Shiganshina and Marley arcs all of those monsters turned out to be human and here in the War of Paradis arc, everyone is human and the only separating system is what everyone views as right.

I really hope the anime will let this chapter breathe a little bit more.

Moving on, I guess it is time to address the rumbling.

I love it as a horror spectacle.

(Chapter 130)

And I really I think it needs to be non-CG when animated. CG is fine in spectacle battles, but not in horror settings because it is too clean.

The rumbling needs to be disgusting and dirty.

Chapter 132 gave me one of the few moments in which I truly cared about Levi. I think him telling Hange to dedicate her heart was a very good moment to cap off their relationship. He sent another SL commander to fulfill their duty.

The speech about hatred in chapter 134 also stood out to me. I think it definitely should be fitted in there somewhere in this, but I also see a bunch of criticism for it.

I want to point out that this is the side of present Marley talking here. It's the military dictatorship.

It's the Nazis. I think the Nazis should feel regret for exploiting innocent people and admit they're wrong.

I also like how the horrors here are undoing the brainwashing and showing the truth to the citizens.

I guess you could read it as heavy-handed, but it is also something that needs to be addressed and in principle, it's not wrong.

I'm also going to put a mention of Historia here. I've talked about how this is my biggest and most glaring problem with the series because of how thematically unfitting it feels, but I've also talked about it in many posts. I wanted to focus more on other stuff in this post.

So now, we make it back to chapter 135.

I think having stewed on it for a month now, I like the element of mindscrewing our cast with the Titans of the people they love is the strongest element of it. It's making them face their personal traumas and we also get some great character moments and payoffs from it.

Mikasa ended off the year in a very good note in my eyes.

Even this deep in the story, this chapter left me in a situation where I have no idea how things might turn out.

I might have rough ideas, but not anything specific and that's fun.

Well, this is it on my retrospective.

2021 is confirmed to be AoT's final year of publication as volume 34 is set to be the story's final volume.

Those who hate the story can finally be free of it and those who care for it, can look back on it with fondness and sadness and many other emotions and evaluate.

It's been 7 years for me. What a wild ride.

So, I'm asking everyone, what are some of your observations on AoT in 2020?

Is there anything you'd like to add or do you have any observations or counterarguments for anything I've said?

I'd be curious to see what everyone else thought of AoT in 2020!

#Attack on Titan #Shingeki no Kyojin #Eren #Eren Jaeger #Eren Yeager #Annie #Annie Leonhardt #Connie #Connie Springer #Hange #Hange Zoe #Historia #Historia Reiss #Mikasa #Mikasa Ackerman

[someobscurereference]

For one: whenever the concept of the Nohrians meeting the young trio comes up, my first thoughts are 1) Inigo being cripplingly shy and terrified of Xander 2) Severa being Extremely Unreasonable and Aggressive especially toward Camilla and 3) Owain gravitating toward Elise because she's reminiscent of his mother, because he's a mama's boy who probably lost his mom very recently and that's pretty fucked up!!

That being said, I'm screaming at the idea of Owain gravitating toward Elise because mother, Xander because cool sword, and Camilla because cool armor, and Not Trusting Leo because he's a Dark Mage and Dark Mage Means Plegia Means Grima Means Evil (almost always) and Leo being so upset about it. It turns the tables entirely, where Odin was originally the one who thought both Leo and Niles were so cool and they thought he was a weirdo idiot until he proved himself, now he thinks they're creepy and Evil and have to work for his trust. And I will always love the Nohrians realizing the trio were Fucked Up Kids and the idea of them watching the three of them take down a faceless with Brutal efficiency because of how much more dangerous Risen were...I'm so into this. AND!! The trio fucking hating each other!! They're so used to them being Best Friends and Inseparable and understanding each other on a whole different wavelength. And now? Sev and Inigo aren't very kind toward Owain's dramatics, Sev and Owain are Bothered by Inigo's flirtations, and Severa is just so harsh with both of them (and most people). Of all the people they could be stuck with, they would Not choose each other. I'm rambling but I'm so into it I'm so so into it. One of the previous asks you linked spoke a lot about Inigo, but if you could talk a bit more about Severa and Owain? Especially if their adult selves were involved with their lieges and partner retainers and how different the dynamic is now and the way they each react when realizing the trio went through something so clearly screwed up and beyond even what they've seen

(prev ask) Ayyy, glad you got a kick out of all of that, lol. And yes!! Leo Trio origins reversed!! With Niles and Leo being the ones who have to prove themselves to Owain instead of the other way around. And the Trio not getting along!! They're 100% there to save each other when they think they're in mortal danger, but as soon as they realize they're not in Plegia? Don't touch me, don't breath on me, don't look in my direction, any of you. Owain & Inigo can't be alone in a room together or else they'll scuffle, Severa stomps away whenever Inigo tries to compliment her, nobody wants to talk to Owain, etc.

Also sure! I spoke a lot about Inigo in that last ask because I wanted to be clear about what I meant with the shyness thing, but for Severa & Owain...

I don't know if they would have been in romance with their lieges before this! I obviously ship the royals & their retainers, but I don't ever see the appeal of that dynamic in deaging fics? I get the idea of like "oh, this is a new side of my partner I've never seen before," but the deaging part is such a huge part of the plot that I don't really see the benefit to that dynamic in these types of fics.

But just in general! The friendship/platonic shift!

I mentioned before about Camilla trying to dote on little Severa but struggling because Severa rejects her So Hard, lol. In general she'd want to dote on Severa because of her personality and how Severa is a tiny version of her beloved retainer, but the more it becomes clear that Severa has issues (especially re: family, which is a major reason Camilla feels the need to dote on Corrin), the more she wants to spend time with her and make some happy memories with her. Which makes Severa's rejection of this attention even stronger bc who the hell are you to presume you know her? And also you're not her big sister/mom/whoever.

Eventually, I almost feel like Camilla would?? I don't want to say "give up," but eventually you're going to get more flies with honey than vinegar. By which I mean the less Camilla tries to push the relationship, the more open Severa might be to spending time with her. But I'm not sure Camilla would get to this point within the timeframe of the Trio being deaged! I think this would take many days or perhaps even weeks to figure out. If the Trio return to normal before this, I think Camilla might feel different (Hard to say how... maybe guilty??) about the way her Selena dotes on her and wants her attention all the time vs little Severa rejecting her. But!! If the Trio stay deaged for a while and Camilla learns to stop pushing the relationship, Severa may slowly grow to approach Camilla on her own and may then be open to being doted upon once they understand each other more (bc she canonically wants all the foods and fun stuff Camilla is offering; she just wants it from someone she trusts. And primarily from her parents ((see: awakening supports w/ parents)), but they're not here).

tl;dr Camilla would have to go against her doting instincts if she wanted Severa to get comfortable with her. Otherwise Severa would avoid her/take advantage of the things Camilla is offering while not wanting to be near her very much.

Re: Beruka!

Unlike Camilla, who has a lot of sad and sympathetic feelings for Severa, Beruka really leaves feelings out of it. Which is probably to her benefit in this scenario, as she's approaching Severa's trauma's from a logical (perhaps even detachedly relatable) standpoint rather than sympathetic. She's more direct than Camilla, so Severa might be a little more comfortable with her, just because she knows what to expect.

Severa, for her part, may even seek Beruka out once she knows they're partners because (1) she wants to know what sort of person her future partner is and (2) she wants to prove that she's the better retainer than Beruka. Which of course she can't do because (a) Beruka would never compare them like that, nor Camilla and (b) Severa is younger, more hotheaded, and less skilled than her older self, so anything she tries to prove now, she'll probably fail at and will blame on her older self having more experience. This competetive spirit may start as an inferiority complex thing, but with Beruka never really fanning the flames, Severa may eventually calm down about it and just feel more driven to get better on her own/respect Beruka as her partner (sort of like her Cynthia Supports in Awakening, though a little different).

Leo & Owain, I already talked about. Owain will immediately take note of the fact that Leo & Niles are his future lord & partner, which he is very curious about, but once Xander, Camilla, & the other very cool people with melee weapons come into the picture, he's very drawn to them, which makes Leo jealous, lol. Leo dedicates himself to "solving" the deaging issue, using this as an excuse so he doesn't have to spend time around Owain and get compared to his "cooler" siblings. HOWEVER, joke's on him bc the fact he's avoiding Owain means Owain doesn't get the chance to quiz him even more and tell him about how cool Brynhilder is. When this finally happens, Leo feels incredibly foolish for trying to show off for Owain & avoid him in turns. Owain, meanwhile, may or may not have ever picked upon on the fact Leo was feeling weird about him at all (although he will admit he felt nervous around Leo at first bc Pelgian Mage Memories and had to take time to get over that).

Niles is a little hard to consider because I actually think?? He'd be good with young/immature folk when he's genuinely trying to be? (See: Niles's interactions with Elise & Nina). However, he can also be quite cruel to people who don't really deserve it (See: Mozu C & B supports) despite having a motto of only insulting "people who deserve it," (Peri Support). So!! I think Niles's interactions with Owain ultimately come down to how well he respects Odin/how good their relationship was. If they were besties when Odin gets deaged, then I don't think Niles will purposely try to make Owain feel bad, though a lot of what he says with metaphors & double meanings will probably go over Owain's head anyway. I also don't know if he'd purposely go digging for information or not?? Depending on how much he feels asking would be a betrayal to Odin's trust vs his own curiosity and all the hints Owain doesn't realize not to drop?? I think Owain would really determine what Niles does or doesn't learn about him. They have the potential to have a really good talk where Owain talks about his parents' deaths and the struggles he & the kids are going through and Niels talking about his own life on the streets. (BTW, despite Owain literally going through a war & both parent death, I think he might think Niles has the worse situation bc he's never known parental love at all, which baffles Niles).

Similar to Leo, I think Owain would be really cautious around Niles at first, both because he's an intimidating sort and because he takes cues from how everyone acts around Niles too. But!! Also just like Leo, if his future self trusted them, obviously that means something, right? So he'd approach Niles a bit more after a few days of settling in.

Niles & Owain's interactions are really hard to imagine because they depend on so many factors that I haven't decided upon! But hopefully the other ones make sense, lol

Thanks for asking!

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