#and a very lonely person seeking for connection and answers | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alexcutecolly · 3 months

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youre 1000% right. he is so truly nice but desperate to have something better in the world and he would be so relaxing to be around most times like i am always saying this. i bet being swallowed by him feels like a hug every time. love thinking about him being really playful like this

v.olo uwu anon

Oh hi again v.olo uwu anon! 💕

He's a wonder to be around fr!! 😭❤️ To me he's the sweetest guy in all of H.isui, you could even fall asleep by his side if you're hanging out with him or something, it feels so cozy and peaceful! He's just got that chill, home sweet home aura! 🥺❤️

And I feel like his cheerful demeanor would transmit sooo well to vore as you said, since staying inside his belly would equal the most wholesome, wonderful and warmest hug he could give! I'd love to be surrounded by him that way tbh! 🥺❤️

Warning: Major spoilers for P.okemon Legends: A.rceus below!

The combination of protective and playful fits him perfectly imo, omg! And I can see him poke his gut to tease us a bit xD plus after eating us he could start reading a mythology book, or take a nap to relax x3 gosh, this is giving me more ideas for vore stories to write about him!! ❤️ Originally I had slightly more... twisted plans (100% safe as always ofc, dw), but lovely vore fluff is so neat too!! 🥺

Talking about how he feels though, it pains me to see how much he must have suffered ;-; he keeps asking himself if he's unworthy of A.rceus's attention since it favored the MC instead of him, despite everything he's done to even be acknowledged by it ;-;

"I've devoted myself to A.rceus beyond any other! I worshiped it as the creator of our entire world! I bent all of my passion and interest to its study! All the time I've spent poring over the legends... Everything that I've done—!"

And even when he's defeated he goes:

"How? How could this happen?! Almighty A.rceus, if you have any heart within you, then tell me...

The blood of the ancient S.innoh people flows in my veins, does it not?! What is it, then, that you find so lacking in me?!

Do you mean to tell me that this world doesn't need to be remade?"

Also, him asking us if we have dreams like he does literally makes my heart ache ;-; ;-; (and it reminded me of N. as well ;-;)

In general, I think he perceives himself as a very lonely individual, and it gets worse since nobody even goes to look for him after the final battle (I'd do it myself if the game just let me, aksbdejsbsn) and pretty much everyone simply accepts that he was the villain and moves on ;-;

His loneliness got me thinking nonetheless. Despite him being able to hide it behind his usual happy-go-lucky attitude, some of it could still come through. For example, he could enjoy our company a lot more than it seems, and with vore it'd work the same way since a pred is technically not alone after nomming somebody. So he could also rub his middle and take in all the positive feelings that come with eating a close person in safety x3 ❤️

"In the end, I was alone... But not you."

To be honest, I wish we could say goodbye to him before he leaves, or at least see him tell professor L.aventon what happened, oof ;-; we saw him from a brief moment tho in the second H.isuian Snow episode! That gives me a lil bit of hope xDD

In any case, G.amefreak please bring him baaaaaack!!! (Alive, possibly ;-;) We miss him!!! 😭😭

#this almost turned into an angst v.olo post ooops #sorry dear v.olo uwu anon i hope you didn't mind #a lot of non-vore thoughts resurfaced lol #i still love adding depth to vore and i see v.olo being both this playful lovely guy #and a very lonely person seeking for connection and answers #mmmmm now i want to be vored by him so bad lmao #i should probably write more stories with him #i'm just stuck with that g/t story wip i was never able to continue oof #coming up with a believable shrinking method in a land 200~ years back in time that doesn't rely on “A.rceus magic” is hard lmao 😭#anyway i loved seeing this ask in my inbox!! thank you again for sharing your v.olo thoughts with me dear anon! 💕💕#safe vore #g/t vore #v.olo vore rambles #v.olo uwu anon #v0re #my asks

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littledollll · 1 year

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Hello my love, do you do brienne of tarth fics? If so, could you do one where reader is a princess and brienne is her bodyguard? And reader is convinced that no one will ever truly love her because of past partners and only icky men are interested in her cause she's a royal and women never even look at her, or at least not past the fact that she's a princess; so she can kinda just throws herself at people in tries to love people into loving her until Brienne eventually confesses and they kiss and it's a littlw angsty and emotional?

I do, my lady

Bodyguard Brienne x princess!reader

Warnings: uhh none?

A/n: im am speed. This came to me actually pretty quickly which I’m happy about, I like it but I don’t love it so I sure hope it’s good enough! Also it’s kinda short, I’m running so low on ideas for writing Brienne so I’m very sorry!

“All the men are either pervs or assholes and the women don’t care about anything other than the fact I have a damn crown on my head sometimes- I mean it’s stupid! I thought girls were supposed to be better!” You were laying on the floor looking up at Brienne as you ranted while she made adjustments to her armor. She only hummed and continued working.

You sighed. “Do you know how many dates I’ve gone on and have had arranged-“ “Around 7 if I remember correctly.” She stated, turning her head and arching a brow at you. “Are you judging me?” You frowned. “No, not at all, my lady, you simply questioned it like I didn’t join you in every single one” she chuckled when you visibly came to the realization that, that was indeed true. “And none of them have worked out, everything feels so fake! What if I never find love!”

“I don’t want to be lonely forever.. isn’t it simply human to yearn for human connection? Affection and company? I just have horrible luck. I’m tired of seeing tons of happy couples all around while I’m just sought out for power or- you know.”

“I doubt that will be the case, and yes, it’s very human, something a lot of people want, princess, unfortunately a lot of people can be shallow, what’s important to you may not be important to them.” Brienne peaked your interest with that. “Why do you say that? are you implying some big strong man is gonna come around and give me everything I ever dreamed of?”

Shaking her head, amused, she looked down at you. “Are you comfortable there?” “Quite actually- hold on don’t change the subject.” Brienne smiled and turned back to working on her armor. “Some people seek power in life because they think it’s the way to happiness, you want human connection, love and care. It’s traits a lot of people look for, you just haven’t noticed.”

“Point me out a single person who thinks that way so I can throw myself at them.” Brienne sighed. “Maybe you’re going all wrong about it, find somebody you really like, not just anyone you might have a chance with, somebody with existing connection, a person you can and want to talk to and be around.” You whined. “I’m desperate.” “There lies your mistake. You can’t force a bond, with all due respect my lady, wanting somebody and wanting love are two very different things, I’m afraid you want the latter.”

“Is that so wrong?” Again, she shook her head. “No, I think it’s close minded though, no offense, you should focus on wanting a connection with somebody than a relationship with anybody. Surely you know you’re worth more than that.” Humming, you turned around to lay stomach down, sitting up on your elbows. “None taken. When’d you get so good at this love advice?”

You noticed how flustered she got, and then proceeded to ignore your question. “It’s getting late. Would you like me to escort you back to your room?” You stood. “Nu-uh answer the question is The Brienne of Tarth... falling for someone?!” “Frankly that’s none of your business.” Her cold reply made you flinch. “Right. Well goodnight then.” Sucking in a breath she turned around. “I’m sorry. That was cold and rather rude of me forgive me, my lady, stay I will walk with you when you truly wish to leave.”

“You’re lucky you’re you” you smiled sitting back down. “Oh do I get privileges? Or pity points.” You pouted. “None do the above.” you walked over to her. “You’re lucky I like you.” She didn’t think much of it after she said it, but you did. “You like me?” She nodded absentmindedly. “Yeah, you’re talkative and energetic, you really do have a kind heart and pure intentions, and all you really want is to be loved, I think that makes you wonderful..”

Briennes eyes widened when she realized what she just did, then she refused to meet your own, opting to just stay quiet until you said something or left. “Brienne-“ she interrupted you. “I’m sorry. That was- I don’t know I just spoke and I didn’t register what I was saying until I was done. I apologize.” You tilted your head searching her eyes, only to find embarrassment and adoration in them, you cupped her face and made her look at you. “Don’t apologize for that. You made me realize something.” She nodded, quiet and confused. “Do you really mean it?” Again a nod. “I do, my lady.” And you kissed her.

#brienne of tarth x reader #gwendoline christie #brienne x reader #brienne of tarth #ser brienne #idk how to tag this #bodyguard!brienne

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meta-squash · 5 days

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do you have many thoughts on the jack owen relationship? I always thought that one was so interesting

Yes I do! I love their relationship, I think it's soooo interesting.

From Jack's angle, I think the whole thing is pretty straightforward. He really cares for Owen, in a sort of fatherly way. It's clear he feels responsible for Owen and at times a little helpless in the face of Owen's emotional sensitivity and ensuing bastardry. I think he's intensely aware of Owen's talent and his potential and also so very aware of just how much Owen cares under that shield of sarcasm and assholery.

Owen's angle is a little more complicated. He's constantly trapped between hating being told what to do and needing direction, trapped between wanting support and pushing it away. He's in general an emotional minefield, so sensitive and so ready to snap at the world and bite anyone's head off. But I think he's conflicted regarding Jack too, because on one level he blames Jack for Katie's death and for his general misery, but on the other hand Jack gave him a chance to start a new life, and I think he really really really wants Jack's approval and acceptance. He's so raw all of the time and his reaction when he's upset is just to freak out and destroy, and I think sometimes Jack's stable presence is good for him.

And thank you for this ask because thinking about my answer made me figure something out. Another thing is the way in which, in terms with the relationship with Jack, Owen sits right in between Gwen and Ianto, and Toshiko. Jack gives Tosh support when she needs it, but I think she is pretty good at being alone (in the introvert way; she's definitely still lonely, they all are). Gwen and Ianto both get plenty of interaction and connection from Jack, and they seek it out. Owen is terrible at being alone, but he is, and Jack sometimes relieves that but not as often as he probably should. Not because he doesn't want to, but because Owen is terrible at being alone and yet constantly forces himself to be alone.

I also think Jack really struggles with figuring out how to help Owen when he's truly upset. The problem with Owen is that he wants to be supported but he wants to feel in control and he really, really doesn't want to feel pitied. So attempt at support will get a pushback, but just kind of being sharp about it will send him into a different kind of tailspin.

The three ways we see Jack deal with Owen's upset are so fascinating to me. First, in Combat, Jack essentially ignores Owen's misery. It's fairly obvious that Owen is Wallowing and that he's genuinely heartbroken. Jack barely acknowledges it, sends him on an assignment, and the consequences are a genuinely very suicidal Owen only surviving suicide by Weevil by accident of location and timing (since Owen doesn't have comms/phone/tracker on him when he's in the warehouse). Jack's reaction to Owen's "I didn't want saving" in the hospital is to refuse to acknowledge it. I think it's really really really hard for Jack to admit to himself that there are things his team does and feels that a) are out of his control and b) he cannot just fix.

Then there's the exact opposite: Jack's support of Owen in Dead Man Walking. I mean first of all, he loved Owen enough to bring him back. That's crazy. He knows, from Suzie, that bringing someone back to life is not a trivial thing. There are consequences. Not to mention at this point Jack has lost so many friends and colleagues and lovers. And yet Owen is the one he decides to bring back. (I've always thought that he used the Glove instead of Gwen because he was hoping it would bring Owen back like Suzie, and he has infinite life force to feed off of.) (Also, it's wild that Owen is the most actively suicidal team member and yet he's the one who dies and gets brought back.) And then, when Owen is freaking out, Jack is there for him. Jack seeks him out, he comforts him, talks to him. He touches Owen, and Owen is a tactile person. Despite the circumstances, it's such a good moment, because I think it's the kind of thing Owen needs. Physical contact but also very honest and straightforward conversation and verbal support, without any platitudes or patronizing.

Finally you have A Day In The Death, which is a very similar situation to Combat. Owen is (understandably) freaking out about his undead existence. And I think again Jack has no idea what to do about it. He feels guilty (for bringing Owen back "wrong") but also self-righteous (for giving Owen a second chance etc), and it shows. He really, really doesn't know what to do with Owen. Treating him like normal isn't really possible until they figure out how his undead-ness affects everything, but treating him the way he does (making him take Ianto's job) is essentially a punishment for Jack's own actions. Owen's already having this crisis about no longer having sensation, no longer being able to eat or drink or fuck or sleep, and Martha is doing his job for him, and he's forced to do Ianto's job (which everyone including Owen knows he's not very good at), and it's so much the opposite of any sort of support. I can't remember which fic it is right now (probably something by paperclipbitch on LJ, she's queen of excellent Owen content) where Owen comments about how there's protocol and guidelines for how team members should deal with the death of a coworker, but nothing on how a coworker should deal with their own (un)death. I think this is what a lot of A Day In The Death is about. It's everyone else trying to deal with the weirdness of Owen's death, while Owen is alone by himself trying desperately to deal with his (un)death without anyone actually sitting him down and asking him how he's coping and what he needs, etc. He comes close with that conversation with Martha, but doesn't quite get there. It's the conversation with Henry (who doesn't know he's dead) that gets him to some place of peace.

(Side note: it's really fascinating how the sort of "moral" of both Glove episodes - TKKS and ADITD - is something along the lines of "life is all" like Suzie says, except that Suzie's reaction is to desperately kill and Owen's reaction is desperation to save a dying man even when it's impossible, and then to actually save a suicidal woman.)

But I also love the way that Jack and Owen do actual work together. Owen, when he's not being a shithead or falling apart, is extremely competent and responsible at his job. And I think both Owen and Jack respect each other in that sense. It drives me a little bit nuts that Gwen becomes second in command when it really should be Owen (my little headcanon is that when Jack left Owen became leader and then hated it and found it too stressful and let Gwen take over instead). Anyway. I love those moments when they have matter of fact, respectful, "work" conversations, where they obviously value each other's thoughts and opinions. It means that when Owen pushes back, he's not just being contrarian. He does value Jack's opinions, so when he talks back it's because he genuinely takes issue with something.

Which circles back around to the whole "wanting support but also pushing back against authority" thing because the entire conflict in End Of Days is brought about at least in part by Jack refusing to extend that respect. Owen loved Jack and wanted him back so much that he opened the Rift (I have a whole other thought about Jack's dumbassery regarding the whole blame for opening the Rift thing...I can talk about that in another post too) but Jack can't be grateful for coming back and can't extend that respect by admitting that he's clueless about how to stop time from splintering. I think the confrontation between Jack and Owen when Owen gets fired is entirely predicated on this. Owen did this thing to bring Jack and Tosh back, he feels both righteous (for getting them back) and guilty (for causing the split), and he wants Jack to acknowledge that he was right to bring them back. Instead, Jack blames him for the splintering, and gives no advice on fixing it, and when Owen finally explodes and brings up all the uncertainty and unknowns and things, he gets fired. Rejected by the one person he really wants acceptance and support from.

I can never decide if I see Jack and Owen as a sort of father/son relationship, or if I see it more as like the older brother 10+ years Owen's senior who took care of and partially raised him but is almost like a friend with authority rather than a parent. In any case, I think there's a lot of push and pull there, in Owen wanting support but hating authority, and also a lot of mutual respect there.

#torchwood meta #torchwood #owen harper #jack harkness

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pigtailedgirl · 4 months

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He's got the look! Of LOVE

Seriously, re-watch is just noticing how much time Fraser spends staring uncomfortably in love, focused, at Ray, multiple editions. EXAMPLE : This is first episode right here! Fraser stare.

Or you know his doing sly smiles and reactions every five seconds too.

And I love it. Because it's hard to gif! And because it's Fraser.

He says nothing. What he doesn't say screams.

Fraser is a closed book type character. For all he shares stories with others about his values, or anecdotes or stories of his life, for all his acts and oddities, his kindness and helping, or his passive aggressive snits; he uses that and presentation and it's to put up walls to block us the audience and the other characters from seeing him fully with these things. He doesn't tell the whole truth. He manipulates so it's entirely on his terms and comfort level just what level of Fraser you get. He's scared to show people he has wants or needs or feelings for himself. Maybe I think a part of him doesn't know the how or what on those things too. When he tells others things, his personal stories, notice how often he leaves out the and this is how I felt or feel. He doesn't want that to be the focus for others. For others to see him unless he shows it.

So it's very important I think you have to look for not just what he says, but what he does and shows consistently to us or someone. And about that someone. That's the key to understanding how Fraser feels and expresses his wants.

Great thing about the show is when it understands Fraser may consciously not want to show himself but through his voyeurism and nature and we the audience, sorry Fraser you do.

Anyways...

So with Ray, he drags Ray into all kinds of things, without really honestly asking or saying the why. Because the honest answer half the time boils down to just I want you along and with and that's one you can't say without saying I want or need you. Fraser's very bad that.

They do the odd couple routine of you Canadian, me American. They, and Fraser is way more master, manipulate and operate in understanding one another is a case of really playing with or verbalizing out the differences, to get us on to continue along in sync while avoiding or letting slip well, duh, we are together because emotionally we feel easily connected, even with differences.

So Fraser shows Ray, or thinks he does best he can, by dragging and tagging along. Sticking close by choice.

He shows us the audience too.

He shows all the time by considering or studying Ray how much he's paying attention to, wanting to get to know. He shows by leaning in or reacting to, verbal or physically, or even to other's reactions of, how much Ray has an affect on him.

And to me one of the biggest ways Fraser is obvious in his feeling's with Ray, is Ray is just about the only one besides Dief and his ghost Dad, that he'll seek out or let him in enough to see him back.

Goes back to The Pilot. Of its' not like Fraser doesn't connect or have emotional scenes with others. But Ray is the one who gets the honesty back outta him. Who he can show he's emotionally down to and try an feel understood by. Like there, yeah I'm here in this diner because I'm lonely and my dads gone, this is my only way to connect or do for him now...

Fraser shows he wants Ray to see his feelings in a way he opens about the why of himself to no one else.

And it's a recurrent throughout the series, even as they have some blow-outs and screw-ups on it. He shows Ray because Fraser trusts enough to be sad around or silly, or snippy, or teasing. But also just unsure. There's a comfort level in their interactions. He wants Ray to know him as a person and relate emotionally and even when he himself struggles how to handle that within, well if Ray sees it, that's okay.

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a-weird-writer · 1 year

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BITCH I WATCHED SUSANOO'S CG TRAILER AGAIN AND DYAMNNN I'M THIRSTING ABOUT HIM I WANT TO BE HUG BY SUSANOOO-SAMA'S YUMMY ARMS AS IF HE'S PROTECTING ME 😭😭😭😭 ANY HEADCANON OR SMTH ABOUT HIM IF YOU PLEASE!!!

Susanoo loves hugs, physical contact is greatly important to men like Susanoo and equally cherished. Like the gold coins in a treasure chest.

Many many years fighting evil gods rendered Susanoo a cold but very lonely individual, shattered his initial innocence and tethered his divine standing. War opens one's eyes to how the world really is in the face of a god. For practically heavy-hearted Susanoo, weighted by a dark curse, to seek humanity and crave sentiment is logical; a fond trance of friendship, of a time long drifted far from home.

Scars litter Susanoo's body. Wounds no mere mortal can suppress; brother to a divine lie, the cursed executioner of Takamagahara, a deep engravement with in his very spirit.

The radiation of battle stubbornly follows Susanoo, in the form of fierce winds and terrible waves. Bellowing in the wet vapor of clouds, shouting voices of booming thunder heard from the other side of the Earth; Seas, fields of devoted spoil's part ways under the weather's calming gaze. The war-torn catalyst overcomes all in his way, as expected from a harbinger of storms grand enough to cause earthquakes. Slayer of gods. Tight, closes in on himself, too bashful for his own good in the modern world; complicated amounts of trauma burden him, plagued by shadows and ghosts. War with no direction is an ugly sight, as is Susanoo most days, the skies will say as much.

No one likes getting hurt, and Susanoo wholly hates the fight; a judge loathing his purpose, but when the role beseeches, the weather's will strike it down. A pawn to fate, solider to destiny. Godly weapon of Amaterasu.

Regardless, he wants no habit of distancing himself, hurting others. His sanity is one of the very few things he has left. As long as he maintains himself and his beloved, his death couldn't feel more peacefully accepted.

How afraid Susanoo is to actually let people in, only a mortal can simply imagine, thrown in a future so vastly different then his last.

-

An immovable god in the face of evil.

Susanoo's life is bound to be surrounded by calamity; gods of this world often are. This god rushes into battle the moment his people are threatened, a call for help answered with a loud clap of raging thunder, fast as lightening, a fierce strike upon the forces of darkness. A judgement for those who dare harm the weak. He will sacrifice himself to protect those he trusts. That fear of hurt-the pain and loss, hid under a cover of steel-like ambition and warrior spirit.

Clearing the skies of a man like this takes kind patience, Susanoo is an immortal spiral across the overcast, dark and looming. His storms are merciless, fierce, but the rainbows right behind shine such a bright lovely light. There is a strange, phenomenal contrast of balance slowly trailing Susanoo everywhere he flies. Humans and monsters alike fear provocation when he actually isn't a bad person, not easily offendable.

People judge the judge. He has low social skills and is calmly introverted, a tightly wound god.

Hugs heal, a remedy amongst good companions. A friendly gesture so loving in its simplicity, a charming tie of fingers and arms. Interlocking persons, closer than ever before. Lonely people naturally desire personal things, especially lonely humans and gods.

No one-nothing makes Susanoo happier, cleans his wounds faster than a hug from his most beloved one. His arms are primed to the brim of God-like power, the purest source of weather and sky. A surface tension of lightening, thunder and cloud-like flesh.

A hug from Susanoo is guaranteed perfection. Hugs are a physical motion of connection, a bind between to dedicated people. A promise. It descends on you like a forgotten breeze, a motion you longed for since you first heard it sing, saw it linger and hover over your hands and face. You never thought Susanoo, a man of judgement, a powerful god of weather, would look at you like you're at the edge of the Earth.

The corner of Heaven and beyond.

He-your precious Susanoo-doesn't leave without leaving something behind, a happy reminder. Susanoo talks to you in the softest ways, even in silence his heart speaks volumes, damn near vulnerable if gods can be that way. To Susanoo, hugs are another way to feel, to connect. Longing sways in an ancient body, careful calculating movements. Either by brushing a few strands of your hair out of your eyes or a tender knuckle kissing the side of your cheek. A gentle aura of summer solace, a smell of minty mist. The afterglow of heavy rainfall.

It is a living dream, to be cradled softly in his arms, you and Susanoo are dead to the world like this. Quiet and content, moments like this are why people live, die clinging to another. Love is a twisted curse; humans have gone mad and killed for it, but it is addicting. And it is human.

Worth protecting. Burning in his memory for a thousand years and a night more.

Of love, enough to burst his poor heart. You found him, holding so tightly like he will vanish out of thin air, lovely tenderness, a kindness tasted on the tip of his tongue. Gone from the world, away from you. You don't want to let go, nor does he.

(You suppose that means both of you are selfish beings. For you though, to know despite everything, you will still be happy; live a long life, not in pain, but at peace? Susanoo will go as decided, selfish as he needs to be to protect you and that graceful smile, catching the stars in those wonderful lips. A face he grew so content with for so long after eternity long existence-banishment in cruel isolation.

Even after so long, century to century, he forgot not a single detail of yourself. Of your expressions, and certainly never your happiness.)

Pain-any resentment-dies when you hold him, pitifully and without remorse. A child comforting in their favorite teddy bear. To the dusty shelves of his inner mind, alone to wither and die, forbidden merits and shards to time.

None of that is important.

Not as important as returning home to his beloved-slowly eroding to the sands of time, your crescent moons never wavered-the warmth of a familiar light after a long day of hardship.

To that hug-a delicious sentiment, the romantic bind.

Your promise he always misses.

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wastemanjohn · 10 months

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hi happy dadfucker friday! so i haven't read a lot of deanbobby (yet) except i think in one of your fics where dean and john fuck on his couch and dean's curiosity/attraction towards bobby is implied? how do you think their relationship starts (or when) and how does bobby's attraction manifest itself differently than john's? since i would assume he's a better father figure to dean

Hey! Happy DFF and thank you so much for indulging me in the deanbobby, and sorry its taken me like 2 weeks to answer you!

I really love that you read implied attraction to Bobby from that fic! I wrote that back when I was squicked to fuck by the very idea of them (I was so innocent) and I was mostly just trying to be gross lol but maybe subconsciously I was already going there? 🤪 Headcanon accepted anyway.

I think their relationship starts preseries. I talked about it a little before - I think Dean essentially goes to Bobby when John throws him out or otherwise isn't giving him what he needs. I see Bobby as kind of like an extramarital affair. Like, I don't see this ever happening without background johndean; I don't think Dean would have ever seen Bobby that way if his relationship with John hadn't kind of warped his mind to see "father figures" and "people I should fuck" in the same breath. Which is why this ship is hugely dadfucker adjacent to me... I think regardless of any previous existing relationship Bobby is the exact kind of guy Dean would seek out to sleep with anyway. I see Dean gravitating towards lonely old men because his his daddy is/was one. It's familiar. Comforting. Recognisable. We can be heavily attracted to what we know... its good when things are predictable, when we know what to expect.

I don't know if Bobby necessarily has any kind of preexisting attraction to Dean. I don't think it would ever even have occurred to him to try it on with Dean if Dean hadn't come to him first... and I do see Dean 100% initiating this. I see Bobby *wanting* to turn Dean down, knowing that he *should* turn Dean down... because this is beyond fucked up. He's known Dean since he was a little kid. He took him in and treated him like one of his own. Its hard for him not to *see* Dean that way still - as a son figure, as a mixed up, troubled kid. But... Bobby is desperately desperately lonely. He probably goes for days, or weeks, without seeing or speaking to another person. That can really fuck with someone. Throw in some clear impulse control difficulties... then Dean, drunk and sad because John's thrown him out again and he has nowhere else to go, climbing into his lap with his big pretty pleading eyes, "just once, please, just one more time..." well, Bobby ain't no saint. And Dean is so sweet, and he really kisses like it means something...

I think it would be harder still for Bobby to know that Dean's probably only doing this because of his Daddy issues. I don't think Bobby knows the extent, or if he does he's in denial about it... but better him than some potentially dangerous stranger of a man right... and at least in some way he's looking out for Dean, giving him what he needs. One way of justifying it to himself, anyway.

So maybe its not so much about sex itself as it is about connectivity? Kind of like an emotional attraction... this is safe, and its comforting, and it'a their secret... and when they give into it, it feels very, very good. Dean gets things from Bobby that he can't get from John - comfort, softness, undivided attention. Bobby gets things from Dean that he can't get from - well - anyone. They feel good around each other. They feel safe around each other. Dean's warped and associates feeling that way around someone with wanting to have sex with them. Bobby just... kind of gets caught up in it, he doesn't have much else going on.

So this is to say I think, in any relationship type scenario, sex for the sake of sex itself is not the primary motivator. It happens - I happen to think it's even pretty good (sorry to the limp dick Bobby truthers). But it's just two lonely people clinging to each other I think for the most part. It's depressing, and it's really hot. And I'll talk about the BDSM headcanon I keep alluding to more openly when I feel a bit braver lol.

eta: @vintagedean @setyourfireonme in case u interested

#asks #dadfucker Friday via Tuesday #I feel like this was all over the place lol I hope this is an okay answer #johndean #deanbobby

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mariamlovesyou · 7 months

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salam. i hope you are holding up ok w everything that is going on. i wanted to ask how you deal w being muslim and gay? i don't know anybody like me so it feels like i am a lonely unicorn. feel alienated by both my own community and the LGBT (i live in the west). i feel angry, lost etc. at both communities and i am often reluctant to practice my religion when i hear homophobic remarks etc. somehow i am too resigned to pray and then that feeling goes away and i go back to worshipping, esp when in crisis. i want to wear hijab as well but i realize that's only a response to my anger at westerners and one of the reasons i do not wear hijab is obv to avoid discrimination (i'm passing) in the professional field & also bc i think no gay woman will like me if i wear it. sorry if this question is too much, you don't have to answer, but if you have any experience or advice to share i would be grateful. thank you ❤️

hi angel .. im sorry for the late reply i had to run to an inspection when i got this i really hope u see it even though i dont know that i can offer much i just want to say im here for u.

i hope u are okay, the world is shaky and scary. im really happy u reached out to me and i think if u take anything from this it’s that reaching out is the first step. i wouldn’t say im at all entrenched in any community or fully at peace w who i am, that’s lifelong work, but it does get easier and sometimes u find little blessings in the people who show up. i feel the exact same way you do rn - alienated, angry, lost, at a crossroads. i often feel there’s no space for me anywhere and many lgbt muslims/religious gays in general feel the same especially when we’re young. i’ve also experienced periods where my faith slipped and i felt too defeated and betrayed to practice my religion fully or even in the smallest most private ways (until a few days ago i had not prayed for months since some very distressing things happened to me) but i always find myself coming back to it bc for me personally islam brings me immense comfort and grounds me, even or maybe especially after long periods of not being a “good muslim”. religion is a deeply personal thing no matter what everyone has told and will keep trying to tell u. the question is does it soothe you? does it bring you peace and comfort? away from everyone else’s eyes, do you feel connected to something higher when you take the time to do these designated rituals? i really think that’s the only thing that matters. and you might not have an answer for that rn or for a long time and that’s ok too, no one has everything figured out. stay away as much as you can from ppl u aren’t forced to be around who try to tell you how to be lgbt how to be muslim how you can’t be both etc. they’re just parroting what they think to be true and they don’t realise how draining it can be for others. protect yourself and listen to yourself. be careful what u share with whom. those r the biggest lessons i’ve learned and the only thing that’s helped make the burden feel lighter is finding other people like you and trust me when i tell u they exist!!! u just have to be a little braver and more intentional in seeking them out, if u can do so safely, bc like you they probably feel that they are alone and there’s no one else who will understand. (and when u find them, hear them out, share a little bit, but remember they are there for a sense of shared community, a delicate connection, not as a strict guide on how YOU need to be; only you decide that and that becomes easier w time)

now depending on where u are it may not be feasible to do so - i spent most of my life as an immigrant in qatar, a very small country w a death penalty or best case scenario deportation “solution” for people like us, where the idea of finding community was not only unthinkable but also seemed straight up ridiculous to me. i never tried looking, i wouldnt encourage doing so if ur in a western country that is similarly rigid unless u know what ur doing and have a support network. in this case all i can recommend is to reach out to organisations that sympathise if there are any, and hang on until ur in a safe space. BUT if there is no such threat to ur daily life, i really really urge u to seek out others like u.. and it’s likely you’ll have to look outside ur immediate circle. at first you won’t know where to look, i didn’t, i tried looking through uni, through apps, through meetups, groups specifically run by lgbt people of colour/marginalised lgbt ppl, and it will take time and a lot of trial and error and at times even ‘desperate’ or embarrassing attempts, at least it did for me. i got lucky by finding friends through friends and then friends of friends of friends etc who were like me and while i definitely wouldn’t say i connected w all of them or even liked all of them or that i have a stable network of other lgbt muslims (most of the ones i met live really far away and meetups are extremely rare but whenever i do talk to them it’s really healing) it really does help to know that somewhere not too far, u have someone who understands. so reach out. it’s hard and gruelling and isolating work but that’s the first and main thing to do to combat these unpleasant feelings of loneliness and anger. i wrestle w very complicated and conflicting things on a daily basis that most of my immediate circle couldn’t even begin to understand, so don’t do the mistake of sitting on it forever.

as for other people, gay women, muslims, whoever, i don’t have much experience here w the latter because im mostly focused on sorting myself out first before trying to fully integrate into like, being w other women in that capacity, and maybe im taking a little longer than i’d like but the good that comes out of this is im a lot less concerned about what other people have to say to me abt my identity. if gay women don’t like me bc of my hijab or my religion i really don’t gaf, they’re obviously not meant for me. don’t cater yourself to anyone but yourself, this goes for both sides. u don’t need to appease the gays by shutting down your religion and u don’t need to appease the muslims by believing u are wrong and an abomination. u were created this way, gay and it seems like u have a sort of tether to ur religion, how is that ur fault or something for u to adjust? the right people will come and the wrong ones will make it obvious (inshallah very quickly). and sometimes in our situation we find ourselves loving and deeply caring for people who just really don’t get it. that’s not ur fault either or something to resent! im starting to enjoy thinking of it as a variety. just do ur best to make sure these ppl are looking out for u and genuinely care for ur well-being even if they don’t really “get” you. and if u have no choice in the matter, hold on to the hope that people who DO get you are coming. islam is the connection between you and allah - that’s it. drown out everything else and don’t let noises distract you from that. i personally wear a hijab because it’s a part of who i am and makes me feel more protected (in a spiritual sense, i am of course very aware now that i live in australia that on a social level it can make me more of a target but i have not been threatened yet to the point of where im forced to remove it. u are not a bad muslim for choosing not to wear it, whatever ur reasoning is).

god gave us a tricky life, one can only theorise why, but what i do know is there are very few people on this earth who will understand u completely, even other lgbt muslims, and even fewer who will have ur best interest at heart. inshallah u find those few sooner rather than later, and remember the point is to let others lighten the load because this is a heavy thing to carry all by yourself. even online ppl in the same position will help. u have me 🧡 i am not experienced or developed enough to offer much more beyond this but i hope you can find some clarity and peace and i hope this helps in even a tiny way. i feel for you

#long post

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thelasthalloween · 9 months

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I wrote a one shot about the egg roll timeline (before it got fixed) because I felt like it but I don’t think I could justify uploading it to AO3 so here you go

It had been a few years since Dakota’s falling out with Cavendish on Christmas, and the dreaded holiday was back again. The first year after that event, he felt indifferent to it, but by the second he had realized how much he missed Cavendish. The two had quit their jobs at BOTT, due to not wanting to see each other again.

Dakota had no idea where his ex boyfriend was now, but he had become a pop star almost overnight himself. He loved certain aspects of the fame, sure, but damn he was lonely. Hardly anyone wanted to connect with him on a personal level anymore, now it was all about money. And there was no way in hell he was going to find the other Dakotas back on the island and seek their company, because they would absolutely be mad at him for cutting off Cavendish.

This particular Christmas was the same as the last few, Dakota went to some party that he would’ve enjoyed normally, had Cavendish still been in his life. Those in his circle had come to know that Christmas was the worst time of year for Dakota. He thought that maybe being invited to these parties was their attempt to ‘cheer him up’ so he could keep up his reputation as this carefree guy who let nothing slow him down. These parties had the opposite effect.

Dakota got home very late that night, so late in fact that sunrise was just an hour or two away (he didn’t know this though, because he didn’t want to look at the clock). He kept to himself for most of the party, except for when he was forced to interact with others in order to make it seem like he wanted to be there. Dakota had done a lot of thinking that night, which resulted in a very bad idea.

He sighed as he pulled out his phone, squinting from the screen’s brightness as he lay in the dark. Dakota removed Cavendish from his contact list very early on, but he never forgot the number. And considering Dakota sometimes forgot his own, this was especially indicative of how much he truly missed Cavendish. Dakota was so out of it that he failed to consider if this would even work. Cavendish might not even answer. And if he did, it might result in more hurt feelings.

Not considering any of the variables of the situation, Dakota dialed that number (he only hit the call button after verifying multiple times that he didn’t misclick) with a particularly strong kind of desperation. His face sunk when there was no answer.

But his heart broke even more when the voicemail wasn’t even from Cavendish.

#milo murphy’s law #dakavendish

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theprofessionalpromptmaker · 5 months

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Okay, here's a good one: A fantasy adventure story that's like Moonrise Kingdom, with the surrealism of Zeno Clash 1 and 2. Go!

(I am working through the backlog at the moment, so for anyone curious: REQUESTS ARE STILL CLOSED. But these are my requests from years ago, that I am finally answering now that life is marginally less bad.)

Person A was an orphan born into a small town, but has no records of their family before appearing there as an infant, and is always told by the townsfolk that no one leaves the town and no one enters. One day, they start hearing a voice speaking to them and they follow it to the edge of town and discover a barrier far on the outskirts. The voice promises to make them feel happy and loved and cherished and begins to aid Person A in escaping the barrier, but the world beyond is far more treacherous than they could’ve imagined, but the voice stays with them the entire time, helping them through trials, singing them lullabies at night, and guiding them closer to what the voice calls ‘home’.

Person A is the adopted child and apprentice of the guardian at the center of the universe, a being vast and powerful, but who they view as more a nagging parent than much else. And despite being the apprentice, Person A is never allowed to view the world of mortals who live within the universe they are to be the future guardian of. One day, when their guardian isn’t looking, Person A steals a tiny screen and begins observing the small corner of the universe it shows - a bedroom of a child, Person B, who is talking about a mysterious monster called Death that they are afraid of getting them. Person A, deciding that since they’re the future guardian of the universe, they’ll prove their maturity to their caregiver by going on an adventure to go defeat Death. But Person A isn’t aware of what death even is, so they decide to seek out Person B to get their knowledge about the monster.

Person A is a child who doesn’t feel like they blend with their peers, and then a new classmate joins their class who’s extremely strange and terrifies all the other kids, but Person A feels an instant connection with. Their strange and terrifying classmate, Person B, seems equally drawn to Person A. Person A starts to have strange dreams of a world unlike their own, where someone who reminds them of Person B is always with them, in a life they shared together in the elsewhere place of the dreams. When Person A mentions the dreams to Person B, they seem excited and tell Person A they can help them get home to that world and that life, and the two start planning how to runaway to this other world.

Person A was born into a family that heads a cult that speaks of an apocalypse day that is set to fall on one of Person A’s future birthdays, and due to this coincidentally shared date, Person A’s birthdays are always fairly somber affairs, without much celebration. Person B is someone they meet from outside the cult who is their closest friend and only one who doesn’t think their birthday is unlucky and evil, and promises to throw Person A an amazing birthday after they leave their family’s religion/sphere of influence. When that day finally comes, Person B does throw them the party, but when their family show up to crash it and try to stop it, Person A becomes emotional and Person B, wanting to save their friend’s birthday, releases a great deal of power that triggers the predicted apocalypse.

Person A was abandoned on the doorstep of family of hunters with many children, but who took them in anyway, but Person A always felt a bit like an outcast among their siblings. Unlike all their siblings, Person A has never been able to kill an animal but is very good at foraging. But one day, while on a lone hunting trip that’s a right of passage within the family, they start hearing a voice calling them deeper and deeper into the woods, that tells them they are the child of the forest god and are tasked with ridding the forest of the humans who hunt the animals there. Person A can’t decide who to trust or what to do, since they can’t go back to their family without killing an animal, but they also don’t want to do what the voice at the center of the forest is asking them to do and kill the only family they’ve ever known. So they decide to run away and try to find their own destiny. Along the way they meet various people and creatures and supernatural entities who they learn from/help/get experiences with.

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wildgeese98 · 2 months

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Been torturing my self with a very sad and angsty jmart Somewhere else scenario recently. Basically they end up Somewhere else, they're together and safe but are both struggling to deal with all of their trauma on top of the new stress of establishing themselves in a new life. It puts a strain on their relationship and they don't deal with any of it well because they don't know how and aren't willing to get help.

Eventually they reach a breaking point and both realize they want to break up. But they can't bring themselves to do it, even though they're miserable, because they are the only two people in this universe who know what they went through. They can't tell anyone else about it, no one would believe them. They are inextricably linked, eachothers only remaining connection to their old lives. Who else could possibly understand them?

They can't stand being together but they also can't stand to be apart. So they keep separating for a while until one of them cracks and seeks the other out and they try to get together again thinking maybe this time will be different. But inevitably all that old hurt and trauma and resentment bubbles up and they fall apart and the cycle starts over again.

This could end a few different ways. They could keep bouncing back and forth for the rest of their lives flipping between being miserable together and being miserable and lonely on their own.

Alternately they could finally get some help, work on their relationship and actually start to heal. It would be difficult but they would eventually reach a point where they have a healthy and stable relationship.

Or the last and maybe most angsty answer, they finally break up for good. They decide that for both of their own good they have to end this. Maybe they are able to grow and heal separately. Maybe they each build their own new lives, find new passions, make friends and find some peace. But no matter how content they are, there's still always this little empty space inside that can only ever be filled by the one person in the universe who know who they truly are.

#i have the outline of a fic following this premise that will likely never get written #because it would involve a lot of dialogue and emotion heavy writing #and that's really not something im good at #tma #jmart #jmart angst #somewhere else

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des-no9 · 6 months

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8, 15, 27 for the BG3 character meme!

8: Who are they suspicious of?

Apart from the obvious-

Anyone that's...proud and loud with their kindness and goodness. It feels insincere to her. Despite Wyll being genuine of heart and doing his best, having his kind nature taken advantage of when so young, she doesn't really trust that good heart nobility type - it's mostly just a leftover scar from her past really. Comfort more in what she knows.

But saying that, she's also suspicious of Astarion, only because he's a fucking mirror to her. She knows him because she was/is him, and was groomed by someone like him, worse than him. In that vein, she also feels an affinity with him, a connection. But she has to be so careful with her relationship with him, because they enable eachother, in the worst ways.

15: What NPC's do they like? Which one's do they dislike?

Well, she of course latches onto a lot of the Githyankis. Beyond Voss, she has wide wondrous eyes for Ghustil Sturnugoss, for she sees something very familiar there. Curisoity, wonder, thirst for knowledge and where will it take me. She also sees this in Balthazaar. She'll never really tell anyone this, maybe bar her closest friends, lovers, but some of what she used to do back when she was under Nezarr, years in her cult, was a lot of what Balthazaar did. Seeking immortality, playing with life, unlife. Pushing the boundaries where you don't belong, and composing the hands of gods into your own.

Orin gives her a fucking headache (Vanquish you're such a hypocrite, you can be annoying as fuck too). She loves to mock the shit out of Gortash, but she actually finds him quite endearing and something in her feels like if she really wanted, if she pulled on the lessons Nezarr inadvertantly taught her about power, control, she could make him bend to her, too.

And that kinda scares her.

She thinks Barcus is a hoot! Vanquish loves to talk and thinks he's a sweet, clever, silly little guy. She respects him a lot.

Lucretious. Vanquish is a little starstruck over her, I think.

She's also a little uncomfortable around Dame Alyin, honestly.

27: What was their life like before the events of BG3?"

I've answered this already, but I'll post again!

Lonely, mostly.

Scared, a little.

She'd run away from which was, in essence, a cult. She was the leader's little pet project and special princess. And he'd been playing the long, long game. (Vanquish is a lot older than she appears, mostly because of patron powers and her cult daddy called Nezarr who was like a chosen/avatar of Y'chak).

After running away, her mind kind of...fractured a little. Memories lost - most specifially of Nezarr and who and what he really was and did. He'd made sure to plant that failsafe into her that everytime she successfully fleed from her bonds, she'd forget, but not all. What would linger was that the next time she sees Nezarr, a twinge of comfort stirs in her that she knows him, that he can protect her, she'll be safe with him.

And it starts all over again. For this wasn't the first time she'd gotten free.

But it is the last.

So, freedom. She's trying to make a new life once again (unbeknown to her), scared and lost and well, angry too. So fucking angry.

But...she's also excited. There's a whole world infront of her again. And she's going to make it hers, again. Rage, joy, laughter, love, fear, pain, hate - all of it, and it's hers now. Hers.

Everytime she escapes it gets harder for the failsafe to work properly, and then when she gets tadpoled, it really fucks with the magic he used on her and memories come flooding back in pieces, feelings lost, and so much anger. She remembers her anger now, and what kind of person she used to be, and well, is.

She's my morally grey baby and I love her so much.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #tav: vanquish #bg3 tav #des replies #ask des #thank you so much love!#i had a lot of fun with this #vanquish tag

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blackbloodteeth · 7 months

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Soul variant index (2023)

[List incomplete; I don't think I have the energy to continue it, but wouldn't hurt to share the trivia bits I did manage to do. I can always answer questions about variants anytime, and this list is already starting to lag when I type anyway hahaha]

Here's a list of all the Soul variants I've created this year (sorted earliest to latest). I'll be updating this as I draw more, and if it's wanted enough I'll make more of these lists for other years in the future. --- Long list below! ---

A Soul of many hands: Body is connected by many different hands and dark patchy skin. Written work has yet to be finished.

Walking Chair: Skeletal species that assists humans with tasks such as ferrying people and carrying groceries. Intelligent, only wears saddle when not on work break.

The Cult Slayer: Previously just a goat before an attempted ritual sacrifice went wrong and gave him immense power instead. Very social and loves storytelling. Lawful Good.

A good little boy: A living doll that rarely speaks and is highly obedient, only serving the witch who currently owns him. May have been human once.

String Wyrm: Fluffy dragon with multiple sets of stubby legs (not usually visible under his fur), though can move across the ground quite quickly. Constantly searches for food to steal and often sounds like he's chuckling. Will squirm around if picked up.

Lesser Crest Bird: A species that often stands around like a statue, with different poses theorized to convey different meanings. Can be approached and seemingly unbothered by humans but will retaliate if attempted to be moved. Intelligence questionable, seems to have preferences for certain standing spots.

Aquatic Maned Dragon: Shy but playful. Travels to different bodies of water via rivers, and mainly feeds on fish and small marine animals (seems to leave birds alone even after watching them for a while). Will take interest in any human belongings that have ended up in the water.

Turtleback Seahorns: A seaside-dwelling race that values family and branching alliances with surrounding groups. Exceptionally loyal and honourable even when not exchanging favours, and when a life oath is sworn the two partners will gift each other's crests to wear upon their other horns.

The Divinely Punished [Body Horror]: Assigned guardian to one of Lord Death's sacred temples after having received divine judgement. While he was initially chained to his post, something appears to have caused it to break loose and consequently free him.

Creature Centaur: A strange centaur made up of an unidentifiable creature. The eye he holds can often be seen floating between his horns, and the right side of his face has always remained obscured, most likely for the better. A fairly normal dude otherwise.

Mantis Centaur: Half person, half mantis. Unintentionally condensed Maka into a ball of silk when his instincts took over, and he seeks to repent with a way to undo what he's done.

Centaur Train: A spirit guide that helps souls and sometimes other entities safely travel through different parts of the afterliving. Is extremely enthusiastic about trains to an almost obsessive degree, but his passion can make him easier to get along with.

Mewtwo Centaur: One of the several results of a dubious cloning experiment. He was a collaborative effort of the "permanent Mega Evolution" and "human-Pokemon hybrid" departments, though he was also the first to escape when he quickly grew too alert to be contained. Currently resides in solitude while seeking the original human he was cloned after out of existential curiosity.

You can't just call a Naga a Snake Centaur: Part Demon Weapon, part couch nuisance. He can shift into a more human-looking form with legs but often prefers to stay in his natural appearance, especially when eating or sleeping. Maybe I'll give his Weapon form art someday.

An Incomplete Centaur [Mild Body Horror]: Despite his horrifying appearance he's actually quite lonely. He's taken to living in the woods or outskirts of towns as while he wishes to befriend someone, he keeps getting footage of him uploaded to the internet as an infamous cryptid/creepypasta legend.

Reverse Centaur: Lives in a world where animals combined with human bodies are the norm, as well as having to go to school way too early in the morning when he could be sleeping in. Will eat insects and small creatures whole on frequent occasions.

Steel Bird Centaur Part of a well-known family that prides in its Skarmory and Corviknight heritage, having ended up a high-ranking guard for his strategical skills despite appearing heavier than should be able to fly. Wears an Aggron based armour that he was gifted after besting one of the mountain people in combat and leading to their alliance.

The Luthier Apprentice: Dropped out of DWMA suddenly despite being so close to finally becoming a Death Scythe. Not even his friends know the reason behind it, especially as he dropped all contact too and decided to work under the music shop that's close with his family. It's been years since then but he's finally smiling again, at least for now.

A Soul with Glasses: He wears glasses. Left to interpretation.

#soul variant

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dissocialed · 2 years

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I'd grown bitter and resentful comparing myself with people who could easily make friends. Not because I was desperately lonely. I liked my own company best. I'd always known this. It's the earliest thing I recall knowing. But because I was desperately *bored* and wanted to experience what they did. I felt somewhat entitled to it.

After all, I did all the right things as I was told. I was polite, wore a smile and helped people with their problems. But whenever anyone would talk at me I could only tolerate them. This was severely discouraging. I found it more annoying than cathartic. Is this what everyone's always on about? Is this the magic I was promised?

It was frustrating that I never seemed to "click" with anyone and earnestly enjoy their company over my own. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with them. Not technically. So why. This left me very confused as I'd grown up in a largely empathy based society believing I was empathic myself. But everyone I'd met only made me feel the same.

"Meh."

Never had I actively wished for anyone to be in my life, only if they were interesting, entertaining or had something to offer. But watching others is very different from engaging with them on a personal basis. Here, I remain lost.

I can be social and charismatic through a manufactured persona but tend to keep private. I compartmentalize so well, many people only *think* they know me as I strategically reveal pieces of information to give the impression of openness-- but it's shallow.

How do you describe the phenomena of having charmed a number of loyal acquaintances that would do most anything you requested without personally having any deeper, closer connections or confidants?

I don't feel compelled to seek friendship for its sake. I never get the impulse to share my thoughts or interests in hopes of becoming friends, but simply because I wish to hear how my own genius, my own thoughts are received.

It really does begin to feel dull and empty. Like an itch you can't scratch. Every human needs enrichment. To be engaged. Bonds are supposed to inspire, empower, excite and impassion us. They make life more bearable, more vibrant. There is safety in understanding.

But for someone like myself, it's unfortunate we may only experience this unique solace, this joy once or twice if we are lucky, our whole lives. This possibly explains why sociopaths may do some reckless and thrill seeking things in attempt to satiate it.

So how do I quench my thirst for life?

How does anyone? It's the big question. I think most people stumble upon the answers near the end of their lifetimes.

#actually schizoid #actually szpd #szpd #primary psychopathy #dissocial #dssd #schizoid #dissociality #x

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ashestoashis · 9 months

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How do you deal with loneliness ??

there are many ways to answer this that point to self care or mindfulness practices - long walks in nature or sitting by water always ground me and help me to remember there is a world outside of my own head. however i’m gonna answer in a more personal way if that’s ok, because this is something i’ve been thinking about a lot lately. so thank you for asking me this. it’s about to get very detailed right about now lol :)

for me, it depends on where the feelings of loneliness are coming from. i like spending time alone, and i’m very comfortable in my own company - so this means that whenever i do start to feel lonely, it’s usually in response to something that has happened; loneliness for me is often a response to feelings of abandonment/feeling forgotten or overlooked, being rejected in some way, or feeling misunderstood. (however, it isn’t always obvious at the start that something has triggered my loneliness, and it can feel like it’s creeping in over time. there is usually always a starting point or trigger though, and eventually i lock into what that is) It’s been really helpful for me to notice this, because an incident connected to any of these can take me from feeling totally content in my own company to feeling like something huge is missing; this can then lead to ideas about my overall value as a person in the lives of others/whether I will ever be understood or fully seen for who i am, or if i will forever feel disposable. and if many experiences like this happen in a short period of time, that compounded feeling of being an outsider can generate loneliness pretty quickly.

recognising my loneliness is triggered by an experience and connected to an internal belief system has been really game-changing for me, because i can then view these thoughts and feelings as signposts to areas in which i still need to heal.

at that point i also look at my behaviour: in response to feeling unwanted, have i began to withdraw from others? a lot of the times, the answer is yes. you’d think loneliness would push you closer to others, whereas for me i definitely isolate myself more, probably in the expectation that others won’t understand. after i’ve examined all of this, i allow myself to grieve whatever has been hurting me. how you do this is up to you, and is very personal to each individual - in my case this has also changed things for me, because my old method was to try to find a solution without giving myself any type of release. so this can be through crying, journalling, prayer, talking to someone you trust and allowing them to be there for you, even if you’re convinced nobody wants to be (because a lot of the time there are people who would love to hear from us that we don't think about half as much as we might focus on the ones who don't!) calling a helpline if you don't feel you have someone in your life who you’re able to confide in, therapy of course if thats available to you, exercise to get a physical release if you’re someone who stores grief or sadness in your body, and/or setting aside time to feel your feelings that doesn’t then become an ongoing period of detachment. throughout any of these, and particularly the last one, i pay very close attention to what I'm feeling and really listen to myself deeply - if i sense i need more time, i take that time. or if I'm feeling more ready, i then make a decision that i will seek out a comfortable level of engagement with the world without trying to distract myself from what I'm feeling, if that makes sense - so i might go somewhere where it’s busy, but not necessarily force interactions with people, while still doing a solo activity like reading or listening to music in headphones - the presence of life unfolding around me is a good reminder that there are always new opportunities to get connected if and when i want to. maybe a gallery is an option if i feel ready for stimulation or motivated enough to start paying more attention to the things I'm interested in (as loneliness can really disconnect me from the things i enjoy) Sometimes, something as simple as going to a different part of town or an area i haven’t been in a while is a great reminder that my current life story hasn’t always been what it is, and that there is always scope for change, new people and new experiences.

if you’re someone who trusts easily and has a strong network around you, perhaps reconnecting to a community will be good for you - sometimes it's just as simple as being around people who are healthy and supportive. in my case, it begins as an inside job of getting to understand myself more and allowing myself to reconnect over time, that then leads to my readiness to be in the midst of people again. i also come to tumblr, as it really does feed me with a lot of thought-provoking positive reinforcement that i really value.

so in summary i would say get curious about what is causing the loneliness, allow yourself to grieve any sadness that might arise in ways that resonate for you, pay attention to any shifts back towards connection and then take baby steps to reintegrate yourself with the world around you. i feel the most important thing is to be patient with yourself, allow the loneliness to teach you something about how you operate, and give yourself what you need when you need it. i definitely advocate for healthy relationships - if you have those, lean into them - if you don’t, you shouldn’t feel any less worthy of finding connection in other ways. overall i approach it as a balance of between the inner and the outer - sometimes in wanting to escape discomfort we can distract ourselves right out of a lesson, seeking fulfilment outside ourselves in ways that lead to more loneliness, or requiring other people to fill the gap for us. there are many people who are very sociable or who are rarely alone yet somehow still feel lonely, which suggests to me that there's often more to this than seeking out company. pay attention to what’s happening for you and allow yourself to be honest with yourself about what you need.

when feeling low, it can be so easy to write ourselves off and believe the world feels the same way about us, but im starting to realise that's a distortion that grows when i dont open myself up to other angles about what im feeling. i am still a work in progress with this and learn new things all the time, so hopefully some of this is helpful for you. Know That You Are Loved by Cleo Sol is a song that i find really touching when i feel lonely, because it speaks directly to my fears in a really tender and heartfelt way. much love to you, take care and thanks for your message 💛

#anon ask #loneliness

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promiseiwillwrite · 11 months

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Whatever Comes Up - June

As this month draws to a close, I have had the most anticlimactic triumph of my life.

I figured out a part of the brokenness of me, and Knew what to do with and about it when I found it.

And I have been gasping at the edges of the power vacuum it left in my psyche.

The Anxiety isn't done with me, apparently, but the largest driver of it has properly Fucked Off.

Don't Believe your mind if it tells you that other people Don't want you to be yourself. EVEN IF THAT IS TRUE.

Because you can't really confirm this idea. And you should believe whatever makes your life suck less over something True and Awful.

Obviously, know, if that is in your power, when your relationships are very deeply one sided, and when you are bending over backward to keep them, and when you constantly self monitor. You might be better off stepping away.

And Yes, it is Lonely. But Loneliness is not a punishment. Loneliness can give you real space to Rest.

And I've done that a lot lately. I have been binge watching cartoons, and spending hours on my couch in the basement.

Maybe it looks like depression from the outside. Maybe it IS depression, of a sort. Maybe I am numbing out after a Lifetime of Pushing myself to be something I am not for EVERYONE in my life, Always.

And maybe I am trying to weigh what a best life looks like for me without that pressure. What does motivation look like? Who am I really without Constant effort to present at what people want me to be, or to be perfect and useful for others? Where do I go? What do I do?

My answer, on many days, has been "I Am Tired." And that has been an EXCELLENT expression of how I feel. And rather than being shit to myself, and pushing through, I have Allowed myself to do what tired people naturally do left to their own devices. I have laid around watching TV after work instead of the Millions of busy things I spent Years telling myself I needed to do.

I have been Resting, and not feeling even one piece of guilt. Except maybe for the plants... They are probably a little thirsty. I've not been as attentive as I maybe should for them.

My house is Trashed.

My Laundry hamper is Full.

My Floors are Dirty.

But Resting has been more important, because the Burnout has been so Deep.

Today, I came home again and finished Steven Universe.

I've watched it before, of course. But re-watching it now was a very different experience. I have matured. I have a better understanding of some of the more nuanced emotional and identity stuff in there.

I also didn't catch Jamie running off with the former mayor of Beach City after Garnet's Wedding last time.

I have, however, come to an archetypal understanding of some pop culture deities.

I think there is a Trickster. The Shyster, The Snake Oil Salesman, The Grifter the Wizard... the man behind the curtain.

And I think there is Belonging.

There are a hundred thousand messages in cartoons now... And one thing that comes through some shows, and some media, Clear and Strong, is the Importance of Belonging. Every God has a Netherface... And Tribalism is that for this entity. This is their TIME. This world as we know it will be Transformed by the dynamic interaction between these two facets.

Friendship is Magic, dears. Understanding one another and seeking to make a place for each other is priceless.

And fascism is Horrible, and growing in Power. They want to be bound together in common Hatred. But you get a cool uniform, and you get to be in a secret club.

Belonging speaks to me through my Diversity, Equity and Inclusion work. It isn't the same as communicating with some of the other entities I've known. But This entity connected with me the other day when I was making some copies of the material for an activity in August. I felt like I was Alive. I felt like I was Myself. I felt like this was part of what I was meant to do as a person. I believed that it could make a positive difference for people around me. It tasted of Hope. It didn't promise fame. It didn't promise Ease. It promised incremental, difficult changes. It promised Conviction. It promised a clear sense of what right and wrong are, that could help people find their Own understanding. And it was Inside me. It was For Me. Because this is what I have wanted as a person my Whole life... I have wanted it because I couldn't believe I already had it.

#whatever comes up

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decimatlas · 11 months

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CHARON ; i have seen the fall of babylon – i have drunk the blood of kings.

Under the 'read more' is a bio for my portrayal of Charon, ferryman of the River Styx. He is not based on any one source of mythos; rather, he is an amalgamation of myths, plus my own personal interpretation of his role in the afterlife.

BASICS

NAME. Charon KNOWN AS. The Ferryman BIRTHDAY. None AGE. Ageless (immortal entity as old as time itself) PRONOUNS. Commonly referred to by he/him (preferred) SEXUALITY. Grey/bisexual SPECIES. Psychopomp RESIDENCE. The River Styx, Underworld

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE / HUMAN FORM

HEIGHT. 6' (183 cm) WEIGHT. 165 lbs (75 kg) HAIR. Dirty blonde EYES. Green BUILD. Athletic FACE CLAIM. Alex Saxon

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE / TRUE FORM

HEIGHT. 12' (366 cm) WEIGHT. Weightless DESCRIPTION. Daunting, hooded figure, resembling a Reaper. When he chooses to show a face, it resembles a skeleton – but often, under his hood is mere void.

PERSONALITY

MBTI. ISFJ-A (The Defender) ENNEAGRAM. Type Five (The Investigator) ALIGNMENT. True Neutral

Time means nothing to him; he exists outside of it – but he is aware how long he has been here, aware of how long he has been doing this. Because of that, Charon is often very wise and insightful, but will talk back (and even give some sass) to those who do not treat him with respect. He shows his human form to those he does not seek to strike fear into – those he feels will respect him on their journey together. However, he will not shy away from showing his true form to those who do not show reverence to him or his role. His voice, once kinder sounding in his human form, will become disembodied, will lose every shred of humanity within it. He is always kind – but he demands respect. He will only show his true form to those he intends – though he can ferry multiple people at a time, this does not mean every soul will see Charon's true form. They see what he wishes for them to see.

To those he could consider friends or acquaintances – though they are few and far between – Charon has a bit of a sense of humor. He has no stake in politics in any realm. His job is necessary, required. He is the only one who can carry the role out.

So, he can afford to have a bit of an attitude.

ABILITIES

Empathic abilities – though Charon cannot see into the past, he can feel the type of person he ferries across the Styx. He can feel their anguish, their grief; he can feel if they were satisfied with the life they led. Oftentimes, he does not comment on it. But sometimes, he'll strike up conversation about the life a soul led on Earth, if they are within his proximity.

LORE / art credit.

Psychopomp, Ferryman – Charon sails the River Styx. Bridge between worlds – Earth and afterlife, Underworld, Hell… countless other realms. He knows where you belong. He can feel the remnants of the life you led.

There is much debate on what happens after death – and Charon knows the answer. You go where you believe, wherever that may be. He will take you there. Charon will guide you, ferry you to your destination.

His boat changes form, depending on who he ferries over. Sometimes, he takes a single soul in a small boat; other times, he takes countless souls on a barge. It's typically the latter, contrary to mythos. After all, countless souls enter the Underworld at any given time. Being tasked to ferry a single soul is rarer, but it nevertheless happens at times.

The River Styx connects many realms (Hell, the Underworld, Purgatory, etc.), and Charon is the guide between them all. One cannot cross from one realm to another without him. Many never leave their realm once they are transported over – but there are some wanderers, some who walk amongst the dead.

Outside of his role, not much is known of the psychopomp. He's a lonely entity, sentenced to float on the River Styx for all eternity – to be a bridge but never have a place to call home.

Note: paying the toll is unnecessary these days – but nevertheless appreciated. Tip your Captain.

#about : charon.#i will DEF be adding to this #but take this for now . giggles kicks feet

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