#am i just depressed? ive never had this happen when depressed

[pansear-doodles]

Ten things about the way i was raised:

1. Im not white. Im not american nor european. Im a filipino. No english ties- im fully native and lived in my country all my life. Somehow i can only speak english. No- they dont really teach us about US slavery and other global stuff until late high school and college (with the exceptions of history stuff that actually has something to do with the build and association of our country). No- I am not a politics person and I'm interested in cartoons rather than our grim reality. No- i didnt have much self awareness because all i cared was having a fun time.

2. I think i am stupid. Im not diagnosed in anything officially but i know im neurodivergent, as my list of interests are usually deemed "immature". Parents kept saying i was fine until i realized in senior high "oh ive been groomed for five years during my most crucial ages, depressed, have bare socialization, anxious all the time and possibly have aspergers". So yeah im a mess. My parents were no Chilli and Bandit. In fact, they didnt really interact with me much- always busy with work and lended me to babysitters and cousin mingling. I was a simple-minded kid who did not care about the atrocities that happened outside of this bubble.

3. A lot of things important to my political view and moral compasses had to be built from the internet. Simple stuff like "be kind to others so they will be kind to you"- yep that surface level courtesy stuff is there i learned through school. I knew racism was bad and uncomfortable though when i was elementary and I wasn't one to participate in home wreckage and other middle school naughty stuff. I followed orders as to not get punished and I believed in good (and eating clouds). I wasn't the most intellectual kid at school- all i cared about was the next episode of Fragglerock and maintaining an honors role so i dont piss off my parents.

4. Yet, despite my simple-mindedness that I can compare to Laios Dungeonmeshi, I somehow wounded up in a government science highschool which was... A horrible experience as I didn't share interests with anyone there. Everyone else was so different. I had no friends and I knew the people hated me because they did this cruel joke at a christian recollection- for everyone in a class to make notes to someone- whether positive or negative. Most of the notes I got were negative. I dont recall any good memories in highschool at all and it took a horrible mental toll on me. I wasnt actively bullied but I sure felt very unwanted.

5. The internet was practically my guide to how to life and even then i used it for entertainment. Parents only cared about tutoring me- talking about my grades and making friends with people in my class i dont like just to get by. And most of all, they always talked about my weight. My mother always compared me to other kids. I always ignore her but shes done this for decades. I still live under her roof. Whenever i try to ask her about stuff, she ignores it. She always reverts it to being about school or my weight. She's a wall. My dad on the other hand- hes just careless. He has anger issues and doesnt know how to take care of himself. Always fights with my mom. They never took me to therapy and or assign me to medication until i argued and fought for it a year ago.

6. Did i just casually say i was groomed for five years? Yeah. It was around when fnaf 1 was out. Met this guy when i was like 14 and admitted to him when I was 15. He was nine years older than me. I stooped to him. Vented constantly to him. Depended on him for validation and all that. I even exposed myself to him at 17. Didnt stop me or anything. Nobody else did or questioned it except a cousin who tried and a random person who played transformice. Will i say its fucked up nobody tried stopping me? Yes. Yes it was. But i dont blame them. It was all up to my groomer and I was under his manipulation and teachings and "normalizations" for years. As you can see, this really fucked me up. No. Im not telling his name, but if you can figure it out then congrats- dont harass him. It gave me a warped view on how people treat me and how i see other grooming situations (the many media that tackle implied grooming went over my head completely all the time until someone outright states it)

7. So how was i able to figure it all out and get the fuck out? I saw him faving nsfw art of a character who was a minor. Had an argument with him and it is within the weeks after i took off did i realize "oh. I was groomed." No. It wasnt somebody telling me this. I had to figure this shit out on my own that it was grooming. I was about 18 or 19 when I found out. Are you starting to see how fucked up i am? Having to only rely on myself and the little advice on others to live life? And i still do that, except people will shout at me first expecting i know this stuff beforehand because im an adult, instead of kindly nudging me.

8. So why do i never talk about this? Dont want the tragedies to make my identity. Id rather talk about funny fictitious characters finding their own happiness rather than having it all focus on my boring miserable life. I live off and breathe in fantasies. To become engrossed in something we cannot have and be in real life was my everything. Amidst this, it took me a while to realize my gender identity and myself as a person. It was only last year did i realize im genderfluid, and few years ago i was bisexual. My parents, being catholic conservative christians who use "gay" as one-note descriptions on the minority folks that they meet, would never talk to me about this. Hell, when i first did, they told me its taboo to talk about it. (And very recently i found out theyre accepting of gay people but... Are transphobic?????)

9. My personal motto has always been that real life is boring, miserable, awful and just generally shit. Exploring into fiction has always been my escape- an escape from whatever the fuck went wrong with me and whatever harsh issues i had to deal with growing up. Im always surprised of the memes and stuff i laughed at as a kid were actually discriminatory and racist and whatever holes that fill me with such ignorance. Fractions, they could teach me math all the time, but they never taught me to be self-aware, all when they expected me to. I couldnt read the room. If 16 year olds are smart in political stances, then me as a 16 year old would be the equivalent of a ten year old putting glue on his hands without much care about our economic crisis. Im not saying these childlike qualities of mine were bad- but it came at these costs. I was completely air headed and reality came crashing to me like a truck and angry people expecting that I shouldve known better when I didnt and couldnt have before then.

10. Now im in my 20s. Im expected to know college, taxes and adult stuff. Im expected to be more social. To be more uncomfortable right away. Im in this fandom where every fucking step could be a minefield. Every fandom was. Nobody cares about where you come from right? People always default you as someone who had the same experiences at you until you start to tell them how fucked up your life is and suddenly oh wow things make sense- for how they act, think, respond, believe. The idea of me walking around with the label of "grooming victim" at all times to explain my behaviors is a disgusting and cruel idea.

"You shouldve known this because youre an adult" this. "You shouldve known better" that. The ability to understand people is dead if you will continue to assume every person who walks before you went through the same life experiences as you.

So now do you know a major reason why the rain world fandom and shipping container was so significant to me? It was my second ever fandom with a concious mind after having realized a majority of my teenage years were robbed from me, and realizing how fucked up it all was.

#sorry this is heavy #vent #thoughts #grooming mention #ask to tag

[properantagonist]

This will sound idiotic, but I feel so indescribably and utterly unintelligent.

Likely nobody will read this, but I need to share this. I feel so stupid. I feel like I lack media literacy and general problem solving skills, even though I possessed an impressively high level of both as close as a few years ago.

For some reason, I feel like I've huffed 30 cubic meters of petrol fumes and my brain deteriorated. Maybe it's the past manias. Maybe I really have brain damage. I almost feel lobotomised?

It leaves me so terribly depressed, I strive to achieve, I strive to think and explore, and yet I can't. I feel powerless, useless, passive.

I struggle to put that feeling into words (likely because of my consequent idiocy), but I'm stuck in this absolute hell of intellectual inability and it makes me feel like a failure. I'm a failure of a human being. This October I'm starting a second university course and I don't think I can manage. I feel too stupid.

My writing seems worse than ever. I once hoped to become a professional writer, but nowadays I doubt I'm even cognitively fit for working a simple, routine, non-intellectual job. I'm slow, distracted, easily fatigued. My mind is empty. It hurts.

I just want to feel worthy. I want to feel like I understand. Understand anything meaningful. I feel like I'm too stupid for any truly cool people to be interested in knowing me. I've lost myself and I have no muscle strength left to go looking.

#is it burnout? #is it brain damage? #i have a plethora of neurological / mental issues and i dont want this to continue happening #am i just depressed? ive never had this happen when depressed #cognition #intelligence #depression #help #literacy #mental health #mental issues #neurodivergent #ND #nd struggles

[cinnamon-notes]

i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)

#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact #with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes #but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost #become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad. #i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their #hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed #and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month??? #after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they #lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never #had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant #really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you #just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs #capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem. #and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them. #sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont #care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem #and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did #try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry” #and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found #yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!! #and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i #crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :) #cinnamon diary

[coridallasmultipass]

.

#back to being depressed rn mN i feel like my health was bad back im 2019 but like #i still had hope about me #i feel like ive lost all of it and im so tired of everything #i cant even read that fic im just so depressed and tired and i dont want to keep being so hopeless and miserable #im not living rn im just existing and even that is too much when i know im not gonna get anywhwre in life #my chronic illnesses and pain have been kicking my ass the past 5 years and i miss feeling human and alive evem if it hurt #now im justl like a ghost or something performing humanity very poorly #i got like no friends and can barely take care of myself #my life has only ever gotten worse by the year since age 11 #like i saw a post earlier about how 'it gets better after ur done with teens and college age' but ive only declined my whole life #i feel like ive never even lived #im just tired #vent #delete later / / #am i even real like lol i feel like i dont exist honestly its just a dream or something #i shouldnt have attempted my therapy homework i know im bottling things and its spilling over but #it doesnt help to talk about the thing that happened it just makes it worse #fuck ok i need to try and just sleep before i really breakdown #depression #sorry idk what to tag i need to go

[landofgay]

I hate being mentally ill I hate being spread thin I hate telling people my deepest fears and having them confirm them I hate feeling like no matter how hard I try I'll never be enough and I hate feeling the way I do rn.

#not getting into it except i love my bf so much and he loves me so much and im never leaving him for a second #but i might have to move out of his house cause i feel so unwelcome now #which is my own fault #it's unfortunate this had to happen while on vacation cause now i have to be stuck in a shuttle with his family for 2 hours then on a plane #for 6+ hours then we have to get 'home' #except i feel like i cant stay there #but when i told my bf that he had a full panic attack. he was the most scared ive ever seen him #and i felt so fucking guilty for making him think id ever leave him cause i wont #i just cant be at his home anymore #i cant live with his family or with mine #and we have to wait so long to be on our own #and idk how im gonna manage that #we decided the night before we would marry each other once we have our own home. but now i feel so lost on how we're gonna get there #we cant afford rent anywhere the apartment they would build for us is the most affordable option By Far #but its gonna take so many more months to reach that point #i dont understand how we're supposed to reach that point #i am just. so fucking depressed. real and true depressed. i cant move i cant think i have to pack and get breakfast but i cant do any of it #i need him to go talk to his family without me so i can pack my stuff alone and just be ready to leave #but i feel like thatll make it worse #but itll also be worse if im there with him #i just want him to stand up for himself so badly. and i know how it is to crumple under your mothers guilt ive done it so many times before #this situation is just. so awful. i just want to be home and idek where that is anymore #its not my dads house. its not my moms house. its not my bfs house. its just wherever i am next to him #but im clearly putting a divide between him and his family and i cant let that happen #im distant from my family too but they always tell me its okay cause they see how happy i am #but his parents cant seem to do that #his mom anyways #and his sister basically hates me. and yeah shes hot headed and protective. and yeah i snapped last night #but now i feel like ive just fucked up and i dont know how to go back to that house. ever. not without immense guilt.

[mrfoox]

At one hand i know.... Me expecting nothing of other people is helpful for me, I also wish I didn't do it.... Like I can't ever be sure about how peo feel about me. I think of people as friends after 10 conversations, but I never call someone else my friend until they call me that. Because I'm worried they don't actually see me as that/don't care much about me....

#miranda talking shit #This and thinking everyone i know will leave me are two sad mindsets i have unintentionally. #They protect me by... Never being as hurt when things happen but its such an sad and isolated thing. Ive never truly genuinely thought #Someone might like me? Romantically and just platonically. Even if i like them that way i never hope or assume they do too. I mean i hope #But its more in an... Dream kind of way. Not hope realistically.... And its... Sad. Like when my ex broke up with me and left me i was #Obviously sad but i also was so...numb about it bc i had been seriously thinking for months that she would break up with me #Ive had friends come to me breaking down about their friends growing distant/potentially losing friends and i... I feel their fear but its #I see it so coldly when it comes to myself. Fabian was crying about roo being too busy for us and how hes been seen less and i... I didnt #Know how to explain hpw i had been assuming he would since 2016 when i met him? I am sad about losing people but i have #Noticed since i was 15 and i got dumped i apperantly... Have that view and expectations in my head about everyone. I think my mind #Have done that to protect me bc i care so much and if i get too attached and expect too much... Id die. But it feels shady of me #Im supposed to be so loving and caring and feeling and yet i... Expect everyone i love to leave me. I dont actively think about it but its #In the back of mt head. I can give everything to people i love and trust them with my life and other things if they wanted it #Yet i cant trust them... To love me? To stay? To not abandon me? Its... Really depressing

[81folklore]

this is me trying - CL16

pairing: charles leclerc x small!singer!reader (fc: olivia rodrigo)

summary: after a twitter thread was made talking about the struggles you faced in a horrible way, you release a song you wrote with charles to talk about it

authors note: i am in no way saying olivia has struggled with or is dealing with anything mentioned in this story. this song means alot to me as someone who struggles with both addiction and my mental health so if im projecting..no one needs to know😁 i honestly have no clue how this is going to turn out but we will see. anything in bold italics is french

warnings: talks of addiction, depression, anxiety and suicide. alcohol addiction, drugs and self harm are all mentioned. the topics of this is me trying are mentioned, for obvious reasons but in a more personally focused way (if that makes sense). unwarrented hate (?). nothing really goes into detail but just regular warnings, please reach out to someone if you are struggling!!

authors note 2: i had to dust this one off and I HATE IT. its literally my least favorite work ive ever done so please feel free to keep scrolling😭😭 i just kept projecting by accident and it honestly kind of got out of hand. im also SO BAD with my wording so i have no clue if any of it sounds how i wanted it too!!

authors note 3: after reading it over i realised i never actually explained what i was talking about in the song thread so quickly, charles’ and yn split for a short period after yn started shutting him out, she spoke to someone (the stranger) who helped her start to extend the branches back out to charles and they got back together around 11 ish months before the song was released!! the fans never knew why they broke up, there was some speculation but most of it was dropped when they got back toegther

masterlist

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, arthur_leclerc and 2,457 others

good food, yummy people😋

view comments

arthur_leclerc: you mean good people yummy food right?

yourusername: suuure😁

charles_leclerc: beautiful girl

yourusername: love you!!

user7: what is charles doing in the 5th picture😭😭

yourusername: he dropped his airpod😭

user10: girl have you seen twitter…

user75: charles run as fast as you can

user2: there is no way charles knew he’d never be with someone like that💀

user10: what and he’d be with someone like you??

user6: wait what is happening in these comments what happened on twitter?

user7: someone made a thread ‘exposing’ yn but its just a bunch of bullshit that his fans are using because they dont like yn

yourusername

liked by pierregasly, charles_leclerc and 3,562 other

studio time with baeee💋💋

view comments

charles_leclerc: my favorite musician💐

charles_leclerc: i love you so much

yourusername: you mean the world to me charlie

pierregasly: kika wants to know if she can come next time

yourusername: tell her to text me so we can arrange it!!

user73: oh my god new music soon

user64: does this mean charles is on her new music?!

yourusername: maybeee

user64: GIRL DONT TEASE US LIKE THIS

user99: im so sorry about whats happening on twitter you dont deserve that

user2: yes she does

arthur_leclerc: can you tell charles to stop talking about your music when im not allowed to hear it, please🙏

yourusername: sorry arthur!! wanna come for a car ride and listen to it with us??

arthur_leclerc: please please please

user82: yn and charles taking arthur on a car ride to listen to her new song, oh what if i cried😭😭

arthur_leclerc added to their story

seen by yourusername, charles_leclerc and 86,289 others

*text in first picture reads: 🤍🤍* *text in second picture reads: so unbelievably proud of my sister*

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, sebastianvettel and 8,215 others

if you had told me a year ago that not only would i still be here but i would be releasing a song talking about the darkest times of my life with the love of my life by my side i would never have believed you.

throughout the past few months i have revisited times of my life i wish i could have left behind but ive learnt that accepting that this is a part of me now is important in my journey of moving forwards, and in moving forwards ive learnt that my struggles do not define me and i wont be embarrassed by things that have affected me

sometimes i wish i could go back and erase that part of my life, erase the way i felt, erase the way i treated the people i loved the most. but i cant, and i wont let people belittle me for that time anymore

if you have struggled in the past or are struggling today, you are not alone. its a cliche thing to say but i promise you at least one other person will be experiencing the feelings your feeling, you may not know them, you may never know them but you are not alone, you never have been and you never will be

you are not weak for struggling, you are not weak for finding ways to cope, no matter what they may be, you are not weak for shutting people out and you are not weak for reaching out for help, no matter how little you think you need it. you deserve help, no matter how small your problems may seem to you, you are worthy of being safe, you are worthy of being happy

i never thought i would release a song highlighting those times for me, but i wanted anyone whose been through these things to know that i love you and i will always love you; this is me trying out now on all platforms❤️‍🩹

view comments

arthur_leclerc: i am so so proud of you, you deserve all the happiness in the world

charles_leclerc: you mean the world to me, i am so proud of what you have achieved and i will be by your side forever and always

yourusername: charlie i hold so much love for you i feel like i may explode

user55: ive been struggling with an addiction for a while, i cannot express the way this song feels. just, thank you so much

yourusername: im right beind you darling, i believe in you❤️‍🩹

user81: i fear if i listen to this anywhere outside of the comfort of my room i will break down in tears

user93: 🩵🩵

user42: I😭JUST😭WANTED😭YOU😭TO😭KNOW😭THAT😭THIS😭IS😭ME😭TRYING😭

sebastianvettel: im so proud of you yn, come visit with charles soon sweetheart

yourusername: dropping everything and coming right now

lewishamilton: 💜💜

yourusername: hi lewis🤭🤭

user70: YN HELP😭😭 (just like me fr)

charles_leclerc and yourusername added to their stories

seen by pierregasly, sebastianvettel and 2,348,172 others

*text on first photo reads: i hold so much love for you🩷* *text on second photo reads: my bestest friend in the entire universe🩵*

#f1 x reader #f1 instagram au #f1 smau #f1 social media au #social media au #formula 1 insta au #formula 1 social media au #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc social media au #charles leclerc insta au #charles leclerc

[tannieastrology]

Capricorn Venus-Learning To Love, Love🤎🧸

☕️ How I imagine a love for Capricorn Venuses one day- Something REAL. Something that warms your heart. Someone to just come home to.

Kinda a personal story<3

☕️🧸First off people who have Capricorn Venus or Venus aspecting Saturn how did yall meet yalls partner and how would you describe your experience in dating? Let me know your experiences down in the comments!

☕️🧸Some common themes- unrequited love, being unable to catch feelings, work/school focused, unsatisfying relationships, liking people for years, low self worth, having to go through many obstacles, strong souls, gracefully age.

☕️🧸My Venus is in Capricorn in the 3rd house conjunct Jupiter, Pluto, and POF and trines my Virgo Saturn in the 11th. All of my friends are older and I actually met my friendgroup because of my older sister and find it difficult to make friends regularly. I also mostly hangout with older people but when it comes down to dating I am very inexperienced even though I know im only 16.

☕️🧸Like ive never talked to anyone and when I like someone ive had a pattern of liking them for like 2-3 years( my venus being in the 8th degree of scorpio). I also dont get approached alot and while I do have guys approaching me here and there theyre never my type.

☕️🧸Like I LOVE classy men but guys my age just arent like that it kinda bums me out. Watching people easily get into relationships ever since I was a kid and being able to attract anything they want in love matters made me really think I was ugly for the longest time.

☕️🧸For one I literally was a ugly duckling from elementary to middle school and I didnt really go to a school where indian features were appreciated(a majority of my school is hispanic and black). I always kept quiet about my crushes because I always thought no way they could like me?

☕️🧸It wasnt really until this year(my sophmore year) where I realized I have grown sooo much as a person. Beauty wise and personality wise. The way my Venus has impacted me the most was friends because of the relationship of my 3rd and 11th house. I lost friends, was lied to, and backstabbed and eventually made me realize that I wasnt the problem. The people around me are just vain. This made me go into depression for a while but also made me reflect on my relationships.

☕️🧸Eventually I thought why do I deserve any less? And yall dont understand this was such a turning point for me because it made me cut off so many unnecessary people in my life along with raising my standards within my relationships which is EXACTLY what Capricorn Venus should learn to do if they feel theyre relationships arent satisfying. Not just friends but in romantic interests too. Like I actually have boundries for myself but I will say that I lost alot of my innocence when it comes to love. The biggest thing for me personally is that I grew into myself but it took a longer time for that to happen for me compared to my peers but man sometimes people be hyping me up and I just dont know how to deal with it because I grew up ugly LMFAO.

☕️🧸Saturn here will force you to be patient and learn alot of valuable lessons for not only romantic love, but also friendships and familial relationships. Because one thing ive noticed is that these people are very sweet, soft hearted, and always wanted to fall in love, but as they got older they had unsatisfactory in those experiences and come to take the stereotype of being “cold” when in reality you just come to realize that people are disappointing. With time ive noticed we age well and we meet more serious people as we get older but you just have to deal with immaturity for a little while until that happens. All in all Capricorn Venuses will get what they deserve and I PROMISE you will be fine asf when u get old so hang in there.😘

If I were to give you a love based on a movie itd be this one<3

I really hope yall enjoyed this I wanted to give my insight on it so here I came🥰

#capricorn #venus square saturn #saturn #capricorn venus #astrology #my observations #astrology observations

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for inviting my cousin to an LGBT meet up?

Cw: mentions of suicide and transphobia

I (18M) am a trans man and my cousin N (21F) is a lesbian who is very masc presenting. We're the only queer cousins in the family (at least in our generation) so weve always been good friends and shes been one of the biggest supporters of my transition, defended me from bigoted family members and always corrected family when they used my deadname/old pronouns. I lowkey hoped she would come out as a trans man or nonbinary as well. We dress in the same style which makes it so when were hanging out together one of us is gonna get misgendered since people asume both of us are trans men or masc girls. When N is the one being misgendered she doesnt bother fighting it since its more trouble than its worth but looking back i think it really annoyed her.

Earlier this year N was severely struggling with her mental health. I apologize for the wording i may have since i dont know the proper terminology for this stuff or any specific disorder diagnosis she may have (other than autism). She was having some sort of manic or depressive episode. She was dead set on pushing people away and making them hate her so she could take her own life without regrets.

I visited N once to give her my support during a struggling time but i stupidly told her there was nothing she could say that would push me away. She told me not to test her but i kept pushing it and i admit what happened next was my fault. She told me in a very cold voice that she was a terf, though that she didnt want me dead but that "we" (im guessing she meant trans ppl) made it so much harder for her to exist(???????). I didnt let her keep talking just and left her room, said my goodbyes to her family and just cried while driving home.

Im still not sure if she meant it or if it was part of her mental episode and just a way for her to hurt me and push me away. On one hand ig it explains some of her behavior? N sometimes complained when she got asked for her pronouns or being misgendered like I mentioned before. On the other hand, I gen do not believe she has been a terf all along esp with how supportive shes been of me. If she was a terf youd think she would try to subtly talk me out of it, but that has never happened. My friends have nicknamed her schrodinger's terf lol

Anyway, i went no contact with N for a few months for my own wellbeing. During this time i heard that she tried to kill herself a few times, which got her into a mental hospital. She was given higher doses of meds and seems to be doing way better.

We had a family reunion this week and i decided to approach her. N seemed a little hesitant to talk to me but stayed polite. I tried testing her and talked about the effects T has been having on me but she acted like she always had and congratulated me and even complimented me on how deep my voice has gotten. I wasnt satisfied cause i wanted an apology for what she had said to me so i pushed it more. She did end up apologzing but it was a very surface level apology. At this point i didnt want to keep pushing in case it set her off again so i just took her apology (plus i wanted my best cousin back) and spent the rest of the day hanging out with her.

On the way home my mom said she was happy me and N had made up and that i should invite her to the lgbt club meetings Ive been going to this year. It seemed like a good idea to me, she lost a few friends during her episode and she could make more queer friends here. If N is trans and just in denial it could help her get the resources she needs to feel comfortable coning out. If N IS a terf maybe having more positive interactions with trans ppl could change her mind on it. Overall i thought it would be a win for her.

I brought it up to my friends and some of them blew up at me. Their argument was that itd be exposing the other trans ppl in the group to a terf and putting them in danger. I truly hadnt considered this angle so im kinda conflicted now. She had never felt like an unsafe person before and now that her episode is over she feels normal again. Even if she is a terf i dont think she could actually cause harm? I want N to get better but i dont want to put my trans friends at risk.

So tumblr, WIBTA for inviting N to my lgbt meet up?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[forbebeandjam]

Amnesia | Audrey Lane x Fem Reader | Angst

Summary: You saved the love of your life only to forget her after the tragedy.

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: really angst. Head injury and lung disease mentioned.

A/N: Once again, angst is not my strong point but I felt inspired. Sorry for making Audrey’s stories sad! I’ll make a different one. I promise!!!

"Miss Y/N, Happy Birthday! Good to see you up and walking today," the nurse said as she entered the room you were in. You looked out of the window looking for the one person that visited you every day.

"Hi, I'm not really hungry," you said still looking out of the window.

"I didn't come to feed you. You had this delivered for you," the nurse said and you snapped your head back. The nurse was holding a card. You used your left hand to grip the IV pole and walked toward the nurse.

The name was imprinted on the letter and you quickly opened the letter.

「 Dear Y/N,

Every day I am filled with hope to see you again. And today wasn't any different. I got up and got ready to go see you. Today is your special day after all.

Sadly, I had to go on a trip to take over one of your classes and performances. I won't be back for a month. I will send you pictures in hopes that you can recover quickly. Your students and fans miss you and I miss you more than ever.

Write me back so I can know you got my letter and please try to make the best of today. I'll come back. Just wait for me.

Happy Birthday! 」

A single tear rolled out of your eye. You felt frustrated. Every day you tried your best to remember her but there were no memories of anything before the accident.

(Flashback)

"Come here! It's going to be fun!" you said as she held your hand.

"I don't know... I don't like rock climbing. I'm not agile like you," she said but you turned to kiss her cheek.

"We will do it together. I got you, baby. I won't let anything bad happen to you," you said and she smiled brightly. She quickly perched your lips as you two got strapped up and hooked into the harness.

And you began climbing. You carefully placed your foot in the right places. You have done this thousands of times so it was easy for you. But for Audrey. Every step was sloppy and dangerous. You looked back at her to make sure that she was okay and her expression was more nervous every step up she would take.

"Okay, that's enough. Let's go down," You said when you noticed how scared she looked and she immediately nodded at your words. You were going down but you noticed her clip wasn't screwed all the way.

"Audrey... don't move," you said and she immediately froze in her spot.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"It's okay. I just need to reach you and hook you up properly. Don't move," You said and she closed her eyes to let a deep breath out.

You tried to move close to her but at that moment the person in charge of her rope pulled her down thinking she was stuck and she let out a sharp scream. You panicked. You had never moved so fast in your life but in this moment, you wouldn't forgive yourself if you let something bad happen to her.

You quickly unhooked your equipment from the rope and reached out for her falling figure. You don't know how things happened but you managed to turn your bodies so the impact on the floor would be for you and she would land on top of you.

In a matter of seconds, you felt your body hit the floor, your head taking most of the impact and with great pain, you gripped your head. The last thing you saw was Audrey calling your name with a bleeding lip.

The next thing you know is that you are in a hospital bed and you remember nothing. You looked around and nothing was familiar to you. You wondered why there was a small girl sitting on a chair holding your hand.

After a few panic attacks, the doctors and nurses managed to explain to you that you had amnesia. Audrey never once stopped visiting you and sometimes you would deny seeing anyone due to your frustration and depression having to be stuck at a hospital but you couldn't leave. Regardless, Audrey would sit next to you just to keep you company.

One day you spotted her come in the room with red eyes and a stuffy nose. She sniffled but gave you the brightest smile as soon as your eyes landed on her. She took a seat next to you and started reading a book to you like she always would but her voice was different. You could tell she had been crying a lot.

"Why do you keep coming? It's only hurting you. I will never be able to remember. The doctors told you, didn't they?" You asked and she nodded.

"You... you are the reason I am here today. How could I just leave you like that? If it weren't for you I... I probably wouldn't be alive anymore," she said as several tears started to escape her eyes and her voice cracked.

"Then please don't be sad. I don't want you to be sad. I want you to live a good life. I don't know what we were or who you really are since you refuse to tell me but... tomorrow is my birthday and we can talk about all of those things. You've been coming here for three years already so, why don't we start over?" You said and she broke down once more.

She cried harder than ever but there was a smile painted on her face. After reading to you, you fell asleep.

(End of flashback)

Your eyes were widened. All of the memories of that beautiful girl came back to you. You smiled brightly and cried till you couldn't cry anymore. The nurse walked in with a small cake in her hands and you smiled at her.

"I remember her. I know who she is... I know who Audrey Lane is to me. She's my best friend. She's the love of my life. I need to find her," you tried tonight to get up but the nurse stopped you.

"You have no idea how happy I am for you but... I can't let you go. I'm sorry. We need to keep running tests and your parents want you to be here until they think you are stable," she said.

"That's bullshit. I can't even remember having parents. They are like strangers to me and I am twenty years old. I want to go," you said as you wiped your eyes aggressively.

"Let's wait. You have a few more treatments and then you can go. I promise I'll get you out of here," the nurse said.

So you waited. A month went by and you eagerly waited for Audrey. She didn't show up. You didn't receive another letter.

Things began to get more complicated with your health. Your depression got worse as the treatments failed. Nothing they tried would help you regain your memory and there was no explanation for why you only remembered Audrey.

Your parents tried everything but you only hated them more for keeping you locked in the hospital acting as if you had a disability.

One year. Two years. Three years. She didn't show up. She never came back and you were scared.

What if bad something happened to her? You needed to get out of there and you were determined to do so whether anyone liked it or not.

One night, you removed the IV tube from your arm and pulled out a change of clothes from your bag. You slipped on your shoes and a hoodie.  You grabbed your phone and wallet before quickly walking out of the room past your mom and the nurses.

No one seemed to recognize you until you bumped into the nurse who took care of you. She widened her eyes and you begged her with your eyes to stay quiet.

Suddenly, you heard your so-called mom calling your name from down the hall. You bit your lip as the nurse helped you get up.

"Go. I'll hold her up. Hurry!" she said as she slightly pushed you. You smiled brightly and ran out of the door. Once you had made it a bit far, you turned on the phone and looked through the message of you and Audrey.

You smiled at the cuteness of her messages and finally came across an address. You weren't sure that you would find her there but you would at least try.

You took a taxi and your palms began to sweat as you got out of the car. It was a dance studio. The dance studio from your memories. Where you and Adurey first met each other and where you gave her first kiss.

Your heart was beating faster than ever as you walked in and walked through the halls making heads turn your way. You didn't say anything and kept walking. You finally spotted a familiar figure. She was dancing with her back facing the door and an airpod in.

You closely watched her dance and you remembered how you two would dance together and would end up asleep on the floor while listening to music together.

You were about to push the door open when a girl suddenly walked in after saying excuse me. Audrey turned to her and gave her a kiss... on the lips. You felt your heart shatter to pieces when you saw her kneel down on the floor and pull out a ring from her pocket.

The worst part was her nodding and launching herself onto her arms. You felt pain in your chest and you gripped it. You prayed that you were dreaming. You wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

"Y/N?" you heard her voice call and you quickly ran away.

The most painful scene flashed before your eyes and you felt like throwing up. You rushed back to the hospital when the pain wouldn't leave your chest. Your eyes were cloudy and the air in your lungs was gone.

You could see the panic in the driver's eyes as you tried to regain your breath but nothing worked. You swore you felt like your heart stopped beating and when you finally made it to the hospital, you collapsed right in front of the entrance.

-

"There is no way to sugarcoat this. You're sick. Terminally ill. You only have about a week to live. Sorry," the doctor said. After all of these years, they finally told you that you had been kept in this facility to keep you alive from a growing lung disease you had treatment for at the age of fifteen.

They had kept you connected and medicated to keep you living for longer but nothing was responding and there was no hope for you. Not that you wanted any. You didn't want to keep living in a world where you didn't have Audrey but you also didn't want to hurt her. So you took a pen and wrote her a letter.

A heartfelt with the most honest words you could. Every day, you would spend your days and nights watching her dance videos and making little starts out of paper strings.

You made amends with your parents even if you didn't remember them and you went on walks with them every day.

This continued for exactly seven days. On that last day, a Sunday, you felt your limbs go numb. Your vision was blurry and you were drowsy due to the medicine given for the pain.

"Please. Please give her this and make sure she knows that I love her. Make sure she knows how much I love her and how sorry I am. Please," A single tear escaped your eyes.

"Don't worry, honey. I will make sure. You can rest now," your mom said and you finally let eternal slumber take you away. Your last thought being if that beautiful girl that made you feel so alive. You felt it for the last time and it felt so good...

-

Your mom asked for your letter and other items to be delivered to Audrey a few months after her wedding. She knew you'd never want to interfere with Audrey's honeymoon.

Audrey held the box in her hands with a confused expression. She didn't know why a strange person was sending her something but she assumed it was a late wedding present or something for her wife.

When she opened the box, she saw a jar wrapped in bubble wrap with the paper stars you handmade for her. She looked at it with care and set it down next to her.

Then she took hold of the letter and her eyes filled with tears when she saw your name written on the envelope in your beautiful cursive hand writing.

The carefully opened it and unfolded the paper.

「 Dear Audrey,

By the time you read this I will probably be resting in peace. That letter you sent was the most beautiful thing I have ever received for my birthday. I hope it makes you happy to know that thanks to that letter, I was able to remember you.

I especially remembered that day I asked you to be my girlfriend and you cried in my arms for about five minutes. I also remembered the time I saved you from your worst nightmare but I don't want to talk about that.

I just wanted to let you know that you were the one I thought about since my twentieth birthday. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit resented when I you never came back even after waiting for three years. However, I am so happy for your wedding. I'm sure you saw me that day you got proposed to. I was really happy that day even if it I was hurting. I am just happy you could finally move on. Turns out that the lung disease was growing back from when I was fifteen. I'm sorry I can't be with you since I only have a few more days to live.

I wish I could see you in that beautiful wedding gown because I know you're just going to look amazing.

So, I am writing this letter to let you know that even till my last breath you will be the only one on my mind and if I had to save you again, I would do it with no hesitation. I would do it just to see that sweet smile on your face. Those beautiful eyes and those sweet lips that made me feel alive.

Please be happy. Enjoy your life and build a family like you always dreamt of doing. I wish you the best, baby. Please don't be sad for too long. I'll always be watching over you no matter where you are.

Love,

Y/N~

P.S. every time you feel like you can't do it, grab a star and open it. I'll have a little reminder for you. 」

Audrey was sobbing and screaming by the end of your letter. She took a deep breath and tried to regulate her breathing. She felt like she should've stayed by you instead of getting carried away by her friend's words.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, baby!" She shouted. A string of her saliva poured from her lips and her tears were uncontrollable. After a few more minutes. She managed to stop her tears and hugged the jar with stars. Paper starts she had taught you to do.

She opened the jar, grabbed a small star, and started to unravel it. A wide smile was painted across her lips as she read it.

*Dry those eyes. They are too pretty to cry. Keep me in your heart instead, as I whisper "you got this, baby. I am right here with you"*

Thank you for reading 🩷

「 ✦ Audrey’s Tag List ✦ 」

@devouringdevoutly

#forbebeandjam #honeybee156 #street woman fighter 2 #swf2 #jam republic #lgbt #jam republic audrey #audrey x reader #audrey lane #Audrey lane angst #angst #swf2 x reader #street woman fighter x reader

[deetz-ghuleh]

You Will Never Walk Alone

─ Papa Emeritus IV Copia x F! Reader ─

rating: 18+ Mature | MDNI

word count: 1.4k

warnings/tags: SUICIDE ATTEMPT! , self-harm, angst, mental illness, depression, anxiety, pills/medication, comfort, some fluff.

PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS FIC IF YOU THINK IT MIGHT TRIGGER YOU IN ANY WAY. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A WORK OF FICTION. 

a/n: At first I wasn't sure about writing this, but then felt compelled to complete it. This is a very sensitive topic for some, but I feel it’s something important to discuss.

This is my way of dealing with a dark period in my life where I almost lost myself, as well as a heartfelt appreciative thank you to this band. Ghost has brought a lot of us back to the light and for that, I am eternally grateful. 

Please take care of yourself. If you are struggling, please reach out to someone. If someone you love is struggling, please let them know you're there for them. Sometimes all we need is a caring gesture. You are never alone. You are important and worthy of love. You are a survivor. I love you. 

♡ If You Have Ghost, You Have Family ♡

AO3 link

tag list: @ghu-leh @baelzbu @sodoswitchimage @ghuleh-recs @bupia @onlyhereforghost

It happened gradually. It always did.

A pain that slowly, but surely, begins to consume you. 

It feels like some sort of curse that has followed you your whole life. It was a vague memory when you were a child, but as you got older, the feeling settled in a dark corner of your mind, steadily traveling toward your heart.

It manifests in different ways - not eating regularly or getting enough rest; isolating yourself, indulging in unhealthy habits, pushing people away, and losing interest in anything that brings you joy.

And you are so good at masking, at acting like nothing is wrong. If they only knew. If only you let them in. 

Not all days are lousy. Sometimes you feel a spark of happiness for a few minutes, days, a week maybe…

And then it vanishes - like a small withering flower, petals fading away into nothingness.

You had mentioned it to Copia a few times. He had confessed similar thoughts and feelings. He was a sensitive soul, it didn't surprise you. When he joked one day about being lonely, you began spending more time together. You didn't want him to ever feel the same anguish. You wanted to give him the same comfort and support he had graced you with. His thoughtful words, and his presence had kept the storm at bay, at least temporarily. 

But tonight is different.

All of the built-up sadness rushes through your body like an untamed river, threatening to drown you in emotions so dark and monstrous they seem impossible to escape from. Years worth of agony come crashing down on you all at once. How long can someone take before they break? 

You are so tired. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

Your hands tremble with the pill bottle as tears cascade down your cheeks - your mind cruelly reminding you that no matter how hard you try, it will never get better. You will always feel empty. You will always be a burden.

It'd be better if you just disappeared, the voice says. 

𓆩♡𓆪

Copia couldn't sleep. Something was wrong, he felt it in his gut. 

He knocks on your door.

He had noticed a change in you lately - your distance, the polite smiles you forced yourself to give, a growing sorrow in your beautiful, expressive eyes. But he stayed silent for fear of pushing you away or making you uncomfortable. How could he have been so careless? You were close friends - he should have known, should have asked you. The guilt is so heavy it physically hurts him.

No answer.

His jaw clenches, his anxiety worsening. He hesitates for a moment before slowly turning the handle. Open. 

The room is dark, the curtains drawn tightly shut, leaving very little light to illuminate the emptiness within. Copia walks towards the bed and sees you lying there… unmoving, almost lifeless. As he gets closer, he could make out a bottle of sleeping pills discarded on the bedside counter, and a trail of clothes on the ground. His heart sinks but he refuses to give in to the fear that is gripping him.

"C'mon, dolcezza. Open your eyes for me," he whispers.

When you don't reply, he sits down next to you and takes one of your cold hands into his warm one. Your fingers are icy and your pulse is weak. Tears sting his eyes as he realizes the gravity of the situation. It makes him sick to his stomach. It can't be. Not his sweet, kind sorella.

Feeling an odd presence, you move slightly. "Copia… " you finally speak, your voice barely above a whisper. You could only open your eyes halfway. Everything felt numb, the slow pace of death blanketing you in its embrace.

"I'm here, I'm here." He reassures you with a firm squeeze of your hand. Panic rips through his body. Swiftly, he stands, picking up the phone and calling for one of the doctors in the infirmary. "P-please get here as quick as possible! È un'emergenza (It's an emergency)!" His voice wavers. Saying it aloud made it even more real. But thank Lucifer below, you are alive. Shallowing breathing, but alive.

Burying his face in your chest, tears fall onto your nightgown. "Stay with me, bella. Stay with me. Ti scongiuro (I beg you)."

𓆩♡𓆪

The infirmary lights burn his eyes as he paces in the waiting area. It felt like his heart had moved to his throat. He had been waiting for what seemed like hours. If only this had been a bad dream, a nightmare he could easily wake up from.

He could hear the distant sound of footsteps. Dr. Benedetti, one of the Ministry's physicians, emerges from the room you were being treated in. Copia rushes towards him, his eyes filled with desperation.

"Dottore (Doctor), how is she?" he asks, his voice shaking.

"She's stable, Your Eminence. She will need lots of rest, and I recommend that she begin therapy sessions as soon as possible. We can also discuss medications that might help ease her symptoms. I gave her something to help her sleep." He replies, a look of sympathy on his grizzled face.

"Can I see her?"

"Yes, of course. She's sleeping."

With a nod of gratitude, Copia enters the room. Even though you're alive, he can't shake the thought of what could have happened if he hadn't found you.

His heart bleeds in his chest as he looks at you, remembering the fear he felt when he found you half unconscious. He pulls up a chair next to the bed and takes your hand, stroking it gently with his thumb. He removes his leather gloves, the need to feel your skin is almost unbearable as if you might disappear if he doesn't touch you. You stir mildly but don't wake up. He finds some relief in seeing your chest rise and fall with your breathing. 

"Perdonami (Forgive me), mia cara. If only I had noticed sooner," he whispers, his voice hoarse with emotion. "Can you feel me longing for you? Come back to me."

His voice is far away, but you hear it.

He sees a single tear fall down the side of your face. You heard him.

"Mio cuore (My heart), you hear me, si?" You don't move, still frozen in your medicated sleep. He looks at you longingly before pressing a light kiss on your forehead.

Your body feels sore and tired, but you're aware of your surroundings. His kiss breaks through the fog clouding your mind. You open your eyes lightly and see his face, worry quickly turning into glee at seeing you awake.

"Bella!" He smiles, lunging forward to wrap you in a tight hug.

The warmth of his skin makes your heart swell with emotion. "I'm so sorry, Copia," you sob on his shoulder. "I hurt you. I shouldn't have. I-"

"Shh, dolcezza, please don't cry," he asks, wiping tears from your face. You didn't hurt me. I blame myself for not realizing how much pain you were in. Oh Satanas, I am just glad I was there to help you." 

"You can't blame yourself. I-I am just weak." You turn your face to look at the window, feeling remorseful for breaking his heart in such a way. "I am-" 

"Weak, tesoro? No, look at me," he grabs your cheek to meet his duochromatic gaze. "Why do you say this? No, amore mio, you are the strongest person I have ever met."

"Strong?" You stare at him puzzled. No one had called you strong before. 

"Si, strong. The way I see it, tesoro, you have struggled for a long time, but you kept going. And guarda (look), you are still here."

That soothing voice once again consoles you, washing away any guilt you feel.

You let your eyes linger on him for a minute. He always had been beautiful to you, but now he looks positively radiant. He was a lifeline; a light in the darkness.

Copia leans in and brushes his lips against yours. It's a tentative kiss - he stops himself. You're so vulnerable, he shouldn't kiss you, he thinks. But it feels like he will burst if he doesn't. 

You move towards him. "Kiss me, Papa. Please." His hand comes up to cradle your face, and he plants a delicate kiss. A warm emotion spills inside you, feeling his love enveloping you from within. "You will never walk alone, tesoro," he promises, looking deeply into your eyes.

As you indulge in his touch, the caress of his lips turns more fervent. And for the first time, you are brimming with a sense of joy, of peace, of hope.  

♡

✦ 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗄 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗈 𝗆𝗎𝖼𝗁 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀. 𝗂𝖿 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖾𝗇𝗃𝗈𝗒 𝗆𝗒 𝗐𝗋𝗂𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 and want to support me, please consider leaving comments, kudos, or reblogging my posts. :) ✦

#the band ghost #the band ghost fanfiction #ghost the band #papa emeritus copia #copia x reader #papa emeritus iv x female reader #papa copia fanfiction #copia #ghost band #ghost band fanfic #ghost fanfic #ghost band fic #papa emeritus iv #papa iv #tw depression #tw mental illness #tw sui implied #tw: suicide #papa emeritus 4 #papa copia x reader #papa emeritus iv fanfiction #ghost fanfiction #my writings #my fics

[sugar-omi]

not the argument in the talks moment 😭😭😭 ever since i accidentally stumbled on that it has not left me, i constantly worry about how i am perceived and i do not take any kind of rejection well, even if it actually isnt one and is just a perceived rejection (autism, adhd, anxiety, and depression go brrrrr) so when i had my mc speak up about how they shouldnt tell terri that miranda confided in them since they didnt have her okay to do so and he just "Then why don't you just not say anything!? Because everything you say just makes everything worse!" fcuking broke me and i would imagine that my mc would not be able to get over it as easily as it is in game,,,, that sort of thing would probably make me/my mc completely shut down, inability to speak, only hyperventilate and cry, just completely shut down 🥲 and even when making up, i tend to internalize that sort of stuff, it stays with me against my will sfdlkj so i can just imagine mc either blurting out mid argument or when venting to cove and feeling badly about themselves something like "All I ever say just makes everything worse!" basically kind of quoting cove and i just aaaaaa ow ouchie,,,,, - 🕐 (hi idk if you remember me, its been a million years, but ive just been lurking, i hope youre doing well! 💕)

OMG MY FAV ANON HIIII🤭🤭 im gooddd tysm, I hope you're doing well🫶

but yeah omg same!!! I cant believe i forgot that line. I hate it sm omfg that was crazy n yeahh same, I literally internalize like almost everything. depending on who it comes from, I will 100% internalize it.

literally i. I'm very petty n vindictive, honestly that fight would've lasted days because I would've ignored him n been like "oh so now you want me to talk? what happened to my every word making it worse, huh?"

LIKE HE COULD NOT DO THAT TO ME. IM TOO READY TO GO NUCLEAR IF MY RELATIONSHIPS GO TO SHIT. IM TOO READY FOR ABANDONMENT LOL N LIKE MY ANGER ISSUES COULD NEVER???

so serious when I said id even break up over that. because now I'm scared that's what you're thinking any time we disagree or even are just having a "good" day. like my perception of myself, n how others perceive me is already bad. n it tok yearsss to stop thinking my friends were chatting shit behind my back. that should would send me back on a spiral

n I so get you, I would shut down and start crying too. like I'd get angry first, n kick him out. but I will start crying eventually, if not mid fight. just depends on what headspace I'm already in yknow

[slutdge]

Heavy subject matter under the cut im just not feeling well and need to get it out of my system

i used to constantly try to convince myself that my experiences with police brutality werent that trauamatizing but im glad i got over that, cause girlypop if you were slammed down on the ground, handcuffed and screamed at to stop resisting (all this during a mental health wellness check) despite yknow. being handcuffed face down on the ground while an officer was digging her knee into my spine so hard i couldnt stand up straight for over a week afterwards was, in fact, bad for your mental health. and this was only one of many instances. dont give these dumb fucking pigs any grace.

with that being said, i dont think ive expressed enough how much you will never feel safe after experiencing police brutality or mistreatment even if its just one time, whether its in your home or in public, you will never feel safe again anywhere because you know first hand they can do whatever they want and get away with it, and its something ive really been struggling to cope with lately now that im kinda drinking less off and on. like i dont know how to function knowing that that could happen again at any time no matter where i am and i couldnt do anything to stop it because even if you dont resist they still wont give you any kind of mercy, there is nothing you can do to snap them out of their fascist power trip because thats why they became cops in the first place. i dont know how to not live in fear and despair when cops are out there especially with the added factor that my abusive parents have on multiple occassions made false 911 calls that ive said i had a plan to kill myself so that i would be arrested and taken to the psych ward every time theyve suspected ive been getting too close to escaping from them and going no contact with them like i want to, even going as far to get a court order to have me arrested. idk i just dont know what to do anymore lol theres not a single thing in my life that isnt tainted with despair idk how im even alive still. sorry for the depressing incoherent late night thoughts, i hope yall are having a good night 🫀 it sounds silly cause its just tumblr but truly this blog is the only place i feel like i can freely express myself and i appreciate everyone who has taken the time to send me kind messages, more often than not thats the only positive thing ill experience in my day

#ptsd

[gunmetal-ring]

anon again. i'm sorry that i keep coming to you with this depressing messages but you seem like one of the few sane ppl in this fandom and i appreciate your honesty.

truth is im feeling really disillusioned with hellcheer lately. we don't have a lot of "canon" content so after a while, it gets tiring going thru the same 2 scenes over and over again (especially when one of them involves chrissy's death). ive been relying on fandom but it seems like it's slowed down. fics arent updated as frequently, not a lot of new artwork.

heck, even joe and grace have moved on. joe's career is taking off. grace is leaving acting. it just feels like everything that happened last summer has come to an end :(

Aw anon thats okay. Ty for thinking of my feelings though 💓 (and also im flattered that you think im sane lmao)

Unfortunately its the way things go, especially with small ships, especially especially in a fandom as hostile as this one is. People come together and build community and share their love for characters and then g(r)o(w) their separate ways again.

But not everybody does! You and me, for example. And ive got plenty of hellcheer mutuals that seem perfectly content to draw, write, and rb their little hearts out.

I for one am absolutely astounded that theres even a fandom for hellcheer, let alone one with such talent and breadth and depth of love! Our characters had 2 scenes. Our girl was killed just as it all began. Our boy died with her name on his lips. In all likelihood we will never see them together on our screens again.

But somehow. Those ~10 minutes managed to foster an entire community of people and keep us engaged and in love w the characters for almost a year at this point! With no dangling promises or false hope or anything! Like we all know the score and we still go hard for hellcheer. Incredible.

Idk maybe it's just bc ive only had brainworms like this for 2 other ships and 1 of them is even smaller and the other one is a clusterfuck of unimaginable proportions, so im a little biased in terms of community/fandom, but im just like... idk. I think its really incredible thats all. And a testament to the very real power and truth of hellcheer 🥰

All i can say anon is that the best way to keep a fandom/ship going is engagement. Likes on tumblr and kudos on ao3 are great. But whats even better and more motivating (and i say this as a fic writer/meme shitposter so im speaking the total truth lol) is reblogs and comments. Tell people how much you love their work and how much it means to you, it goes a very long way. And on the flip side of that - stay out of the infighting. All it does is sap your mental energy and the fandom infighting bullshit is a major contributor to why people leave. The negativity and bitterness warp your perspective and make it really hard to remember what we're here for - it's not anti-st*ddie or anti-qu*nn stans or anti-anti-hellcheer or what the fuck ever. We're here for hellcheer!

Sorry my $0.02 is now $2.00 bc i ramble lol its a fatal flaw of mine. Anyway im sorry if this is annoyingly positive or dismissive but im in a strangely upbeat mood rn so there you have it

#im not getting into the whole joe/grace career stuff bc ive talked abt it a million times and i dont want to invite more bad faith anons #op #hellcheer #ask #anon

[wrestlersownmyheart]

"Her Outlaw Hero" (Sons Of Anarchy-Chibs Chapter fic) Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the Original Characters in this story. I am only using Kurt Sutter's characters from Sons of Anarchy. He created the characters and the show—I am in no way taking any credit for his creations. This story is for entertainment only. Content/Warnings: Violence against both men and women including rape. Summary:

Adelaide Watson is fleeing Tennessee—on the run from her violent past.

When she has a car accident on a lonely road in Charming, California, she has no choice but to walk to town for help. But help comes to her instead. In a very unexpected way.

Note: I must confess, this is all I have written so far, and I have no idea when I'll get more posted because I don't know where to take it. Hope you understand and enjoy regardless!

Chapter 6

Angela tried to calm her heart rate as she disconnected the phone call. "So the cops know Addy's missing now," she thought out loud. Please, Lord… Let them find her car in the river. Let them think she's dead. Please keep her safe from Liam, she prayed. She sat at her desk in her den, in the middle of grading a test paper for her ninth-grade English class, and rubbed her temples. "Please, forgive me of the lies I told, also. I know they were to protect Addy, but they were still lies nonetheless."

Taking a moment to think over everything she'd said to the detective, she could recall no detectable mistakes in her story. I hope she got far away from here and they never find her, she thought. She shuddered to think what would happen to her should Liam find her.

Oh, Lord, what will I do if Liam shows up here to question me, she wondered. I'll just have to be prepared to tell him what I told that detective and stick to it. And not back down.

Telling herself that matter was settled, Angela forced herself to dive back into her paper grading and pushed Liam Toller out of her mind.

She only had a few papers to finish when a loud crackle of thunder sounded outside and she nearly jumped out of her skin. The sound of hard falling rain came next and she couldn't help but think of Adelaide.

"She always loved the rain and thunderstorms," Angela whispered to herself. She was such a happy, fun-loving person. She took pleasure in the little things. Will she ever get to be that way again, Lord? Is she doomed to always look over her shoulder and be scared? Please, watch over her, Father. Where ever she is, keep her safe. Send someone into her life that will protect her and fight for her.

She sobbed softly as she thought of her friend. I miss her so much, she thought, sniffling. I know we did what was best for her, but it doesn't stop me from missing her.

Too depressed to continue with her paper grading, she stood from her desk and prepared to get ready for bed, making a mental note to get up a little early and finish the last few papers in the morning.

000000

Adelaide was aware of a shiver racking her body as she struggled to open her eyes. Her lips parted as she attempted to speak, but only a soft whimper emerged. Her eyes finally fluttered open and she gazed around the darkened room she was in.

A bed, she thought, as she noted the familiar feel of a mattress beneath her. She moved slowly to a sitting position, gasping softly as her ribs exploded in fiery agony. She nearly cried out from the pain as she made her way wobbly to her feet. It was then that she noticed she was only clad in her under garments. Alarmed, she quickly grabbed at and wrapped the sheet around her slender frame for some modesty. As she moved farther away from the bed, she felt a slight tugging sensation on her hand. Turning to see what was making her mobility difficult, she noticed the IV hooked up to her hand. She followed the tubing with her eyes trying to see where it ended, which led her to also notice the man sitting in a chair next to a makeshift IV stand. He appeared to be asleep, with his head propped in his hand. Peering slightly at him, Adelaide recognized him as the goateed Scotsman who'd…

Frightened me to death, she thought, apprehension filling her heart. She turned back to the IV bag and began inspecting the tubing, trying to figure out how to free herself from the constraint. She eyed the IV port and contemplated pulling the needle out. The mere thought brought on a wave of queasiness and made her lightheaded all over again. She didn't deal well with needles. Gingerly, she began to remove a strip of the tape that held the tubing in place.

In the next instant, a light came on in the room and a warm hand took hold of her arm, gently turning her around. She faced the man who was asleep only seconds before. She was taken aback by his striking features. He was even more handsome than she recalled earlier in the day, though older. He appeared to be in his late forties—maybe early fifties. His black eyes scanned over her face and lingered for an instant on her mouth before moving back upward to her own eyes. His dark but graying hair was lightly mussed, but he brushed it back as he moved closer to her.

In her fear, Adelaide stepped backward and her foot fell on her sheet. To her dismay, the makeshift garment slipped from her grasp and fell to the floor. She gasped softly and tried to back away even further but the man kept hold of her arm. Add in the fact that her back literally hit the wall—she was quite trapped. The man's dark gaze wandered over her now mostly exposed slender frame and panic seized her.

Not again, she thought. "No, please…" she cried, trying to tug her arm free. "Don't…"

To her surprise, he released her arm and reached up to her face. His hand caressed her cheek for a moment before moving to her neck and lingering at her pulse point.

"Your heart is racing," he murmured in his thick Scottish burr. "But your skin is cool enough." He let out a sigh laced with frustration when he noticed the look of fear on her pale face. "Don't be afraid, lass. You're safe. We brought you here for medical attention since you were adamant that you didn't go to a hospital." He then bent down to retrieve her sheet "I won't hurt you," he said softly. "I was only trying to keep you from ripping that IV out. You need it right now." He paused a moment, and spoke again. "I'm sorry for staring at ya. I can see you've been through a lot. But, I am a man, I'm afraid, and I can't help ogling the beauty of a woman more often than not," he chuckled. He tossed the sheet onto the bed and then lifted her suitcase onto the bed as well. Why don't you pick something out of here to wear? You'll feel less vulnerable that way. But, pick something as thin and light as you can. You need to stay cool for now." He moved toward the door as Adelaide dug through the suitcase. "I'll go get you something to drink. You need all the fluid you can get."

"W-wait," Adelaide finally spoke out softly before he could leave.

He turned back to face her, "Yeah?"

"Your name," she asked with timidity. "You saved my life and I don't even know your name."

His lips curved upward in a smile and a dimple appeared in each cheek above his scars, "It's Chibs. And you're Adelaide. We saw your ID."

With that, he left the room and Adelaide quickly grabbed a silky, teal-colored nightgown and tugged it over her head. Then she found a hairbrush and unplaited her hair. She began running the brush gently through her waist-length hair, getting rid of any tangles. Wincing in pain when she had to reach upward to her scalp, she opted to leave the thick tresses down for simplicity's sake. She turned to put the hairbrush back in her suitcase but moved too quickly, however, and struggled to fight off another wave of dizziness. She heard something being set down on the dresser then and in the next second, felt strong arms envelope her as she sank toward the floor.

"Whoa, I got ya," she heard Chibs utter softly. "You need to be in bed. You're too weak to be up and about."

"I'm beginning to see that," Adelaide replied, holding her swimming head as Chibs carried her to the bed and gently deposited her onto it. "What happened to me? I haven't felt this horrible before in my whole life."

"Sunstroke," Chibs answered. "You'd walked a long distance in the heat and it nearly killed ya, woman." His tone turned lightly scolding as he approached the dresser and retrieved the glass of drink, "Have you ever had a fever of 107 before?"

His question was rhetorical, she knew. He'd asked to make it clear she shouldn't do anything so stupid again. He handed her the glass of drink and sat down beside her on the bed, "It's just Gatorade," he assured her as she looked at the drink quizzically. "It'll help get your electrolytes back in balance. Just sip. Gulping will make you sick."

"Can't say as I have ever had a fever that high, no," Adelaide finally answered after a few sips of fluid. "Well, that explains why I was almost naked. Thank you—for saving me. And I'm sorry I made it so difficult." She heard Chibs chuckle lightly and dared to make eye contact with him.

"You're welcome," he replied softly. "And it wasn't actually what I'd call difficult. Don't flatter yourself," he joked with a twinkle in his eye.

Adelaide recalled a hand going over her mouth, then gasped at the next memory that surfaced. "Did I bite you—your hand," she asked, feeling immense guilt.

This time Chibs let loose with a full-fledged laugh, "No, that was my friend, Tig. It wasn't as bad as it looked. Don't worry."

She nodded, as she finished her drink and then settled against the pillows.

"You need to rest, till we make sure your temperature is permanently stable now," Chibs told her as he took her glass and set it on the night table, then covered her again with the light sheet.

"I'm freezing," Adelaide said. "Could I cover up a little more? Please?"

Chibs considered it, and gave a slight nod. "I guess so. Your skin feels very cool. But I need to keep an eye on your temperature," he added, covering her with a lightweight blanket.

"Thank you."

Adelaide almost sighed in ecstasy from the extra bit of warmth that enveloped her. "You seem to know your way around the medical field. Are you some sort of doctor or something?"

"No, lass. I was a medic for the British Army many years ago."

"Is your real name, Chibs? Or is that a nickname?"

"It's a nickname of sorts," he replied. "I received a Glasgow smile years ago—the scars on my face—and the Scottish slang for the weapon used to do it, is a chib."

"My God," Adelaide cried. "I'm sorry. I can't believe people can be so evil."

"I would think you had a pretty good idea of how evil a person can be," Chibs told her.

She stared at him a moment, not sure how to respond.

"I know you were attacked," Chibs confessed in a gentle tone. "I've seen the bruises and cuts on your body. I've heard you crying out in your sleep, begging 'Liam' to not hurt you. "

Adelaide's breath caught in her chest. How could I have been so careless, she thought. He could easily find out about Liam and lead him here—even unintentionally. I have to play dumb, for now.

"I…I-I," she stammered, "I don't know any Liam. I must've just been having a nightmare."

"Okay, obviously, we should have this conversation at another time," Chibs said, immediately detecting her lie. "I understand. You're scared and ya find it hard to trust someone ya just met. But I promise, Adelaide, whoever he is… He will not get anywhere near ya. But you're gonna have to help us. We need to know more about him in order to keep him away from ya."

A tear fell down Adelaide's cheek and her lip trembled. "I-I…can't. You don't understand. He…h-he…"

Chibs leaned toward her and placed a finger over her full lips, "Shhh. You don't have to do this right now," he whispered. "Just rest. We'll talk this out later, yeah?"

She nodded shakily, and he gave her a comforting smile. Reaching up a little further, he gently swiped at the tear on her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "You're gonna be okay. We won't let anyone hurt ya."

He turned to move away from her to return to his chair next to the bed, but Adelaide took his hand and gently tugged him back down to the bed's surface. "What is your real name," she asked. "Would you mind telling me?"

He gazed into her eyes a moment before reaching up and tucking a lock of her dark hair behind her ear, "It's Filip."

"Would you mind if I called you Filip," she asked softly. "I mean… I just… I think calling you by your nickname feels almost like I'm condoning what was done to you."

He smiled slightly and nodded, "You can call me whichever you want, lass. Either one is fine with me."

Adelaide returned his smile, "Thank you…Filip. For everything. I'd probably be dead if not for you." Reflexively, she reached up and wrapped her slender arms around his neck, bestowing him with a hug.

He was taken aback, yet Chibs couldn't help but take pleasure in the feel of the woman's arms around him. He returned her embrace and stroked his hand over her hair. "Get some sleep," he whispered near her ear. "I'll stay in one of the other dorms so I'll be nearby if you need anything."

He finally pulled away, and caught the dazed expression on Adelaide's face. He knew then something was going to happen between them. She was as affected by his presence as he was by hers. In truth, he wanted her. She was beautiful, seemed kind and warm-hearted. He'd never felt as affected by a woman as he did with Adelaide. Not even with Fiona, or Allie. He shook his head of the thoughts and stood from the bed. "Goodnight, lass."

"Goodnight, Filip."

If you want on my tag list, just ask! 🙂

Tagging:

@mrsfilipchibstelford @ravennaortiz

#sons of anarchy #chibs telford #sons of anarchy fic #chibs x oc #chibs imagine

[gendrie]

what are your thoughts on arya and cat i mean just like their similarities and connection and reunion bc idk arya’s asos arc in particular drives me insane. the chapters AFTER the red wedding are some of the bleakest ive ever read. its so interesting how cat’s death haunts arya so much more significantly than the others. i also wonder what an AGOT interaction between them wouldve looked like and why george didnt include it if he knew stoneheart was gonna be a thing.

the fact that we don’t have an interaction between arya and catelyn on page (and never will!!!! lmao!!!!!) is truly one of my biggest gripes. esp bc it was so avoidable all grrm had to do was draw arya i out for a couple more pages and then we wouldve had at least one scene to serve as a counterpoint for arya and lsh’s meeting if nothing else. its even more frustrating bc we know in grrm’s earliest imagines of the asoiaf he intended for arya and catelyn to have a prominent relationship. they were supposed to go to KL, escape to WF, retreat to the wall and beyond it - together! i mean:

Ned will be accused of treason, but before he is taken he will help his wife and his daughter Arya escape back to Winterfell.

When Winterfell burns, Catelyn Stark will be forced to flee north with her son Bran and her daughter Arya.

Abandoned by the Night's Watch, Catelyn and her children will find their only hope of safety lies even further north, beyond the Wall, where they fall into the hands of Mance Rayder, the King-beyond-the-Wall, and get a dreadful glimpse of the inhuman others as they attack the wildling encampment. Bran's magic, Arya's sword Needle, and the savagery of their direwolves will help them survive, but their mother Catelyn will die at the hands of the others.

this is a significant amount of plot they shared. but things ran away from grrm, the story moved at a much faster pace than he anticipated, characters took on life’s of their own, the plot was tweaked here and there and everywhere, ect. in that process arya and catelyn got lost. they were “ripped apart” and then the opportunity to have them interact on page disappeared. in the end, they only had that tragically small window in agot (a mere 8 chapters?) before bran falls, catelyn has her breakdown and arya leaves winterfell. to his credit grrm is on record acknowledging this and regretting it [x]. 

so, we didn’t get that arya and catelyn interaction in her first chapter, but there is the line foreshadowing arya pulling catelyn’s body from the river via nymeria. even as the series was evolving that still made it on page bc catelyn becoming undead appears to be one of the oldest intact plots points. which is a major reason i am so convinced that arya and lady stoneheart have always been destined to meet. 

but its everything. the red wedding most of all. told thru arya and catelyn’s alternating povs, mother/daughter, one inside and one outside, surrounded by this slaughter that will seemingly be the end of it all. catelyn not caring what happens to her if she can only save robb, arya’s “we have to get my mother.” (honestly, i don’t think the fandom even appreciates the fact that arya was literally at trw. like its the most horrific event in asoiaf that haunts the entire narrative mostly wrt the north and house stark and arya was there. she is one of the very few survivors.) the way it ends with arya and catelyn both losing consciousness - one killed, the other knocked out but......they both wake up. 

arya’s reaction is the sum of everything pulling her down into the depths of depression. i think catelyn’s death being the hardest for arya to cope with is because she just wants her mother’s love and doesn’t think she has it. that hurts so bad. its like this open wound that can’t heal. which is why i neeeeed to read lady stoneheart’s monstrous undead hands touching arya’s face. she’s not catelyn anymore. catelyn stark was betrayed and murdered. but mother merciless’ last bit of humanity can be reached by the girl who was her daughter. its terrible and its beautiful and im going to cry about it. im really hung up on arya giving catelyn a proper funeral too. idk how realistic it is but regardless its high on my wishlist. like............please grrm.......the tullys drew their strength from the river and it was to the river they returned when their lives had run their course.

i could go on about the connection between arya and catelyn for a decade (oh wait, i have been lol) but this post is already long enough so i will just say i love the depth of feeling i get from both their characters and i like that they’re very active in the narrative - fighting for what matters most: family. thats the greatest similarity between them imo. 

#asoiaf nonsense #ask #arya stark #catelyn stark #these are my thoughts today #but honestly tip of the iceberg #funfact: my very first asoiaf edit was an arya and catelyn picspam from 2012 lol