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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 2 months

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By: Beth Bourne

Published: Feb 27, 2024

Kaiser gender specialists were eager to approve hormones and surgeries, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.”

On September 6, 2022, I received mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminding me of a routine cervical screening. The language of the reminder stood out to me: “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” When I asked my Ob-Gyn about this strange wording, she told me the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of their “transgender” and “gender fluid” patients.

Based on this response, several thoughts occurred to me. Could I expose the medical scandal of “gender-affirming care” by saying and doing everything my daughter and other trans-identifying kids are taught to do? Would there be the type of medical safeguarding and differential diagnosis we would expect in other fields of medicine, or would I simply be allowed to self-diagnose and be offered the tools (i.e. hormones and surgeries) to choose my own gender adventure and become my true authentic self?

If I could demonstrate that anyone suffering from delusions of their sex, self-hatred, or identity issues could qualify for and easily obtain body-altering hormones and surgeries, all covered by insurance as “medically necessary” and potentially “life-saving” care, then maybe people would finally wake up. I certainly had.

I was prepared for failure. I wasn’t prepared for how easy success would be.

* * *

I am a 53-year-old mom from Davis, CA. My daughter began identifying as a transgender boy (social transition) and using he/him pronouns at school during 8th grade. Like several of her peers who also identified as trans at her school, my daughter was a gifted student and intellectually mature but socially immature. This shift coincided with her school’s sudden commitment to, and celebration of, a now widespread set of radical beliefs about the biology of sex and gender identity.

She “came out” as trans to her father (my ex-husband) and me through a standard coming-out letter, expressing her wish to start puberty blockers. She said she knew they were safe, citing information she had read from Planned Parenthood and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH). To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was also confused because this announcement was sudden and unexpected. While others quickly accepted and affirmed my daughter’s new identity, I was apprehensive and felt the need to learn more about what was going on.

Events began escalating quickly.

During a routine doctor’s visit scheduled for dizziness my daughter said that she was experiencing, the Kaiser pediatrician overheard her father using “he/him” pronouns for our daughter. The pediatrician seemed thrilled, quickly asking my daughter about her “preferred pronouns” and updating her medical records to denote that my daughter was now, in fact, my son. The pediatrician then recommended we consult the Kaiser Permanente Oakland Proud pediatric gender clinic, where she could get further information and (gender affirming) “treatment.” Now I was the one feeling dizzy.

As I began educating myself on this issue, I discovered that this phenomenon—minors, most often teen girls, suddenly adopting trans identities—was becoming increasingly widespread. It even had a name: rapid onset gender dysphoria, or ROGD. Thankfully, after learning about the potential side-effects of blockers and hormones, my ex-husband and I managed to agree not to consent to any medical interventions for our daughter until she turned 18 and would then be able to make such decisions as an adult.

Over the past five years, my daughter’s identity has slowly evolved in ways that I see as positive. Our bond, however, has become strained, particularly since I began publicly voicing my concerns about what many term as “gender ideology.” Following my daughter’s 17th birthday family celebration, she sent me an email that evening stating she would be cutting off contact with me.

While this estrangement brought me sorrow, with my daughter living full-time with her father, it also gave me the space to be an advocate/activist in pushing back on gender identity ideology in the schools and the medical industry.

I decided to go undercover as a nonbinary patient to show my daughter what danger she might be putting herself in—by people who purport to have her health as their interest, but whose main interest is in medically “affirming” (i.e., transitioning) whoever walks through their door. I am at heart a mother protecting her child.

* * *

My daughter’s sudden decision to become a boy was heavily on my mind in early September of 2022, when mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminded me of a routine cervical screening with “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” I was told that the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of transgender and “gender fluid” patients.

Throughout the whole 231-day process of my feigned gender transition, the Kaiser gender specialists were eager to serve me and give me what I wanted, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.” My emails were returned quickly, my appointments scheduled efficiently, and I never fell through the cracks. I was helped along every step of the way.

Despite gender activists and clinicians constantly claiming that obtaining hormones and surgeries is a long and complex process with plenty of safety checks in place, I was in full control at every checkpoint. I was able to self-diagnose, determine how strong a dose of testosterone I received and which surgeries I wanted to pursue, no matter how extreme and no matter how many glaring red flags I purposefully dropped. The medical workers I met repeatedly reminded me that they were not there to act as “gatekeepers.”

I was able to instantly change my medical records to reflect my new gender identity and pronouns. Despite never being diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I was able to obtain a prescription for testosterone and approval for a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy from my doctor. It took only three more months (90 days) to be approved for surgery to remove my uterus and have a fake penis constructed from the skin of my thigh or forearm. Therapy was never recommended.

Critics might dismiss my story as insignificant on the grounds that I am a 53-year-old woman with ample life experience who should be free to alter her body. However, this argument for adult bodily autonomy is a standard we apply to purely cosmetic procedures like breast implants, liposuction, and facelifts, not “medically necessary” and “lifesaving” treatments covered by health insurance. Or interventions that compromise health and introduce illness into an otherwise healthy body. And especially not for children.

My story, which I outline in much more detail below, should convince any half-rational person that gender medicine is not operating like any other field of medicine. Based on a radical concept of “gender identity,” this medical anomaly preys upon the body-image insecurities common among pubescent minors to bill health insurance companies for permanent cosmetic procedures that often leave their patients with permanently altered bodies, damaged endocrine systems, sexual dysfunction, and infertility.

* * *

Detailed Timeline of Events

On October 6, 2022, I responded to my Ob-Gyn’s email to tell her that, after some thought, I’d decided that maybe the label “cis woman” didn’t truly reflect who I was. After all, I did have some tomboyish tendencies. I told her I would like my records to be changed to reflect my newly realized “nonbinary” identity, and that my new pronouns were they/them. I also voiced my desire to be put in touch with an endocrinologist to discuss starting testosterone treatment.

Fifteen minutes later I received an email from another Kaiser doctor informing me that my medical records had been changed, and that once my primary doctor returned to the office, I’d be able to speak with her about hormone therapy.

I responded the following day (October 7, 2022), thanking her for changing my records, and asking if she could connect me with someone who could help me make an appointment for “top surgery” (i.e., a cosmetic double mastectomy) because my chest binder was rather “uncomfortable after long days and playing tennis.”

She told me to contact my primary care MD to “get things rolling,” and that there were likely to be “preliminary evaluations.”

Six days after contacting my primary care MD for a referral, I received an email from one of Kaiser’s gender specialists asking me to schedule a phone appointment so she could better understand my goals for surgery, so that I could get “connected to care.” This call to review my “gender affirming treatment options and services” would take 15-20 minutes, after which I would be “booked for intake,” allowing me to proceed with medical transition.

This wasn’t an evaluation of whether surgical transition was appropriate, it was simply a meeting for me to tell them what I wanted so that they could provide it.

On October 18, I had my one and only in-person appointment in preparation for top surgery. I met in Davis with my primary care physician, Dr. Hong-wen Xue. The assessment was a 10-minute routine physical exam that included blood tests. Everything came back normal. Notably, there was not a single question about why I wanted top surgery or cross-sex hormones. Nor was there any discussion of the risks involved with these medical treatments.

The following week, on October 24, I had a phone appointment with Rachaell Wood, MFT, a gender specialist with Kaiser Sacramento. The call lasted 15 minutes and consisted of standard questions about potential drug use, domestic violence, guns in the house, and whether I experienced any suicidal thoughts. There were no questions from the gender specialist about my reasons for requesting a mastectomy or cross-sex hormones, or why I suddenly, at 52, decided I was “nonbinary.”

After the call, Kaiser emailed me instructions about how to prepare for my pre-surgery intake video appointment to evaluate my mental health, scheduled to take place on November 15. The email stated that prior to my appointment, I should research hormone risks on the WPATH website, and to “research bilateral mastectomy and chest reconstruction surgery risks and recovery” on Kaiser’s website.

I decided to request a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy and phalloplasty. Kaiser sent me a sample timeline for gender transition surgery preparation (see below) that you can use as a reference for the process. I also asked for a prescription for cross-sex hormones (testosterone) as needed and recommended by Kaiser.

[ Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part I

This “Mental Health Visit” assessment was conducted over Zoom. The Kaiser gender specialist started with questions addressing my marital status, race, gender identity, and other demographics. She asked whether I was “thinking of any other surgeries, treatments in the future.” The list she read included “gender-affirming” hysterectomies, bottom surgeries such as metoidioplasty and phalloplasty, vocal coaching, support groups, and body contouring. “Anything else you might be interested in doing?” she asked. I said that I’d perhaps be interested in body contouring. I was also assured that all the procedures would be covered by insurance because they were considered “medically necessary.”

I dropped in several red flags regarding my mental health to see the reaction, but all were ignored. For instance, I revealed that I had PTSD. When the therapist asked me about whether I had experienced any “childhood trauma,” I explained that I grew up in Mexico City and had been groped several times and had also witnessed men masturbating in public and had been grabbed by men in subways and buses. “I was a young girl, so [I had] lots of experiences of sexual harassments, sexual assault, just the kind of stuff that happens when you are a girl growing up in a big city.” “So, you know,” I finished, “just the general feeling that you are unsafe, you know, in a female body.”

The therapist did not respond to my disclosure that trauma could be the cause of my dysphoria. Instead of viewing this trauma as potentially driving my desire to escape my female body through hormones and surgery, she asked whether there is anything “important that the surgery team should be aware of” regarding my “history of trauma,” such as whether I’d be comfortable with the surgeon examining and marking my chest prior to surgery.

When asked about whether I had had any “psychotic symptoms,” I told her that while I had had no such symptoms, my mother had a delusional nervous breakdown in her 50s because she had body dysmorphia and became convinced she had a growth on her neck that needed to be removed. I told her that my mother was then admitted to an inpatient hospital for severe depression. I asked her whether she ever sees patients with body dysmorphia and whether I could have potentially inherited that from my mother. She told me that psychosis was hereditary, but that it was “highly unlikely” that there was any connection between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.

I enthusiastically waved more mental health red flags, waiting to see if she would pick up on any of them.

I’m just wondering if my feelings, or perseverating, or feeling like these breasts make me really unhappy and I just don’t want them anymore!...I’m just not sure if that’s a similar feeling to body dysmorphia? How do you decide which one is gender dysphoria and general body dysmorphia, and just not liking something about your body? Feeling uncomfortable with your body? And I did have an eating disorder all through college. I was a distance runner in college so I had bulimia and anorexia, you know. So I don’t know if that’s related to gender dysphoria?

The therapist replied, “I completely appreciate your concerns, but I am going to ask you questions about your chest, about your expectations. And then I’ll be able to give you an assessment.” She also said the main difference between my mom’s situation and mine was that my mom didn’t really have a growth on her neck, whereas it’s “confirmed” that I actually have “chest tissue.” Furthermore, she said that while “historically there has been all this pressure on patients to be like ‘Are you really, really sure you want hormones? Are you 100% sure?’ We are a little more relaxed.” She continued, “As long as you are aware of the risks and the side-effects, you can put your toe in the water. You can stop ‘T’ [testosterone], you can go back and do it again later! You can stop it! You can stop it! You know what I mean?”

Because we ran out of time, I scheduled a follow-up phone meeting on December 27, 2022 with a different gender specialist to complete my mental health assessment for top surgery.

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part II

During this meeting, Guneet Kaur, LCSW, another Kaiser gender specialist (she/her/they/them pronouns) told me that she regretted the “gatekeeping vibe” of the meeting but assured me that since I have been “doing the work,” her questions are essentially just a form of “emotional support” before talking with the medical providers.

She asked me about what I’d been “looking into as far as hormones.” I told her that I’d be interested in taking small doses of testosterone to counterbalance my female feelings to achieve “a feeling that’s kind of neutral.”

When she asked me about me “not feeling like I match on the outside what I feel on the inside,” I dropped more red flags, mentioning my aversion to wearing dresses and skirts.

I don’t own a single dress or a skirt and haven't in 20 years. I think for me it’s been just dressing the way that’s comfortable for me, which is just wearing, jeans and sweatshirts and I have a lot of flannel shirts and, and I wear boots all the time instead of other kinds of shoes. So I think it’s been nice being able to dress, especially because I work from home now most of the time that just a feeling of clothing being one of the ways that I can feel more non-binary in my everyday life.

She responded, “Like having control over what you wear and yeah. Kind of that feeling of just, yeah, this is who I am today. That’s awesome. Yeah.”

She then asked me to describe my dysphoria, and I told her that I didn’t like the “feeling of the female form and being chesty,” and that because I am going through menopause, I wanted to start taking testosterone to avoid “that feeling of being like this apple-shaped older woman.” “Good. Okay, great,” she responded, reminding me that only “top surgery,” not testosterone, would be able to solve my chest dysphoria. (Perhaps it was because all these meetings were online, they didn’t notice I’m actually fit and relatively slender at 5’-5” and 130 pounds, and not apple-shaped at all.)

She told me that we had to get through a few more questions related to my medical history before “we can move on to the fun stuff, which is testosterone and top surgery.”

The “fun stuff” consisted of a discussion about the physical and mood changes I could expect, and her asking me about the dose of testosterone I wanted to take and the kind of “top surgery” technique I’d prefer to achieve my “chest goals.” She told me that all or most of my consultations for surgeries and hormones would be virtual.

The gender specialist told me after the appointment, she would submit my referral to the Multi-Specialty Transitions Clinic (MST) team that oversees “gender expansive care.” They would follow up to schedule a “nursing call” with me to review my medical history, after which they’d schedule my appointment with a surgeon for a consultation. Her instructions for this consultation were to “tell them what you’re wanting for surgery and then they share with you their game plan.”

[ Decision-making slide to help me identify my goals for top surgery–flat chest, nipple sensation, or minimal scarring. Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

She told me that Kaiser has a team of plastic surgeons who “only work with trans and nonbinary patients because there’s just so much need for them.” She asked about my priorities for chest surgery, such as whether I value flatness over nipple sensation. I learned about double incision top surgery with nipple grafts, as well as “keyhole,” “donut,” “buttonhole,” and “Inverted-T” top surgeries.

By the end of the hour-long appointment, I had my surgery referral and was ready for my “nursing call” appointment.

Nursing call with Nurse Coordinator from the Transgender Surgery and Gender Pathways Clinic at Kaiser San Francisco

On January 19, 2023, I had my nursing call with the Nurse Coordinator. He first said that “the purpose of this call is just for us to go through your chart together and make sure everything’s as accurate as possible.” Once that was done, my referral would be sent to the surgeon for a consultation.

He asked me about potential allergies and recreational drug use, and verified that I was up to date on mammograms, pap smears, and colon cancer screenings, as well as vaccines for flu and COVID. I verified my surgical history as well as my current medications and dietary supplements.

He told me about a “top surgery class” available for patients where one of the Kaiser surgeons “presents and talks about surgical techniques and options within top surgery,” and includes a panel of patients who have had top surgery. I signed up for the February 8th class.

Within 10 minutes he told me that he had “sent a referral to the plastic surgery department at Kaiser Sacramento,” and that I should be hearing from them in the next week or two to schedule a consultation.

Appointment for Testosterone

On January 27, I had a 13-minute online appointment with a primary care doctor at Kaiser Davis to discuss testosterone. The doctor verified my name and preferred pronouns, and then directly asked: “So, what would you like to do? What kind of physical things are you looking for?”

I told her I wanted facial hair, a more muscular and less “curvy” physique, and to feel stronger and androgynous. She asked me when I wanted to start, and I told her in the next few months. She asked me if I was menopausal, whether I had ovaries and a uterus, although that information should have been on my chart.

The doctor said she wanted me to come in to get some labs so she could check my current estrogen, testosterone, and hemoglobin levels before starting hormones. Then “we'll set the ball in motion and you'll be going. We’ll see you full steam ahead in the direction you wanna go.”

That was it. I made an appointment and had my lab tests done on February 12. My labs came back on February 14, and the following day, after paying a $5 copay at the Kaiser pharmacy, I picked up my testosterone pump. That was easy!

Top Surgery Consultation

On the same day I received my labs, I had a Zoom surgery consultation with Karly Autumn-Kaplan, MD, Kaiser Sacramento plastic surgeon. This consultation was all about discussing my “goals” for surgery, not about whether surgery was needed or appropriate.

I told the surgeon that I wanted a “flatter, more androgynous appearance.” She asked me some questions to get a better idea of what that meant for me. She said that some patients want a “male chest,” but that others “want to look like nothing, like just straight up and down, sometimes not even nipples.” Others still wanted their chest to appear slightly feminine and only “slightly rounded.” I told her that I’d like my chest to have a “male appearance.”

“What are your thoughts about keeping your nipples?” she asked. “Are you interested in having nipples or would you like them removed?” I told her that I’d like to keep my nipples, but to make them “smaller in size.” She asked me if I’d like them moved to “the edge of the peck muscle” to achieve “a more male appearance.” I said yes.

I was asked to show my bare chest from the front and side, which I did. Then she asked me how important it was for me to keep my nipple sensation. I replied that it was important unless it would make recovery more difficult or there were other associated risks. She highlighted the problem with the free nipple graft, saying that removing the nipple to relocate it means “you're not gonna have sensation in that nipple and areola anymore.” However, some nipple sensation could be preserved by keeping it attached to “a little stalk of tissue” with “real nerves going to it,” but that would require leaving more tissue behind. I told her I’d go for the free nipple graft to achieve a flatter appearance. It was also suggested I could skip nipple reconstruction entirely and just get nipples “tattooed” directly onto my chest.

She told me I was “a good candidate for surgery,” and put me on the surgery wait list. She said that the wait time was between three and five months, but a cancellation could move me up to a sooner date. Also, if I wanted surgery as soon as possible, I could tell the surgery scheduler that I’d be willing to have any of the other three surgeons perform my mastectomy. Outpatient top surgery would cost me a copay of $100.

They contacted twice, in February and March, notifying me of cancellations. If I had accepted and shown up on those dates, they would have removed my breasts. This would have been less than five months from the time I first contacted Kaiser to inform them of my new “nonbinary” gender identity.

How Far Can I Go?

I decided to see how easy it would be for me to get approved for a phalloplasty. Known euphemistically as “bottom surgery,” phalloplasty is the surgical creation of an artificial penis, generally using tissue from the thigh or arm.

I sent an email on March 1, 2023, requesting to have a phalloplasty and concurrent hysterectomy scheduled alongside my mastectomy.

Two weeks later, on March 16th, I had a 16-minute phone call with a gender specialist to discuss my goals for bottom surgery and obtain my referral.

During the call, I explained to the specialist that I wasn’t sure about taking testosterone anymore because I was already quite athletic and muscular, and that taking testosterone didn’t make much sense to me. Instead, I wanted bottom surgery so that I wouldn’t feel like my “top” didn’t match my “bottom.” I told her:

But what I really wanted was to have bottom surgery. So this way when I have my top surgery, which sounds like it could be very soon, that I’ll be aligned, that I won’t have this sense of dysphoria with one part of my body and the other part feeling like it matched who I am. So yeah. So I just did a little bit more research into that. And I looked at the resources on the Kaiser page for the MST clinic and I think I know what I want, which is the hysterectomy and then at the same time or soon after to be able to have a phalloplasty.

I told her that I wanted to schedule the top and bottom surgery concurrently so that I wouldn’t have to take more time off work and it would save me trips to San Francisco or Oakland, or wherever I had to go for surgery.

None of this gave the gender specialist pause. After a brief conversation about some online resources to look over, she told me that she would “submit the referral now and we’ll get this ball rolling.”

Bottom surgery would cost me a copay of $200, which included a couple of days in the hospital for recovery.

Phalloplasty Surgical Consultation with Nurse Coordinator

On May 16, 2023, I had a short surgical consultation with a nurse coordinator to go through my medical history. This was similar to the consultation for top surgery but included information about hair removal procedures for the skin on my “donor site” that would be fashioned into a makeshift penis. They also went over the procedures for determining which donor site—forearm or thigh—was more viable.

After only 15 minutes, she submitted my referral to the surgeon for another surgical consultation.

On May 25 I received an email from my phalloplasty surgeon’s scheduler, informing me that they have received my referral and are actively working on scheduling, but that they are experiencing delays.

I ended my investigation here once I had the referral for the top and bottom surgery. I never used my testosterone pump.

Final Thoughts

In fewer than 300 days, based on a set of superficial and shifting thoughts about my gender and my “embodiment goals” triggered by the mere mention of “gender” in a form letter from my primary care physician, and driven by what could only be described as minor discomforts, Kaiser Permanente’s esteemed “multi-disciplinary team” of “gender specialists” was willing, with enthusiasm—while ignoring mental health concerns, history of sexual trauma, and rapidly escalating surgical requests—to prescribe life-altering medications and perform surgeries to remove my breasts, uterus, and vagina, close my vaginal opening, and attempt a complex surgery with high failure and complication rates to create a functionless representation of a penis that destroys the integrity of my arm or thigh in the process.

This describes the supposedly meticulous, lengthy, and safety-focused process that a Kaiser patient must undergo to embark on a journey to medically alter their body. No clinician questioned my motivations. No one showed concern that I might be addressing a mental health issue through radical and irreversible interventions that wouldn’t address my amorphous problems. There were no discussions about how these treatments would impact my long-term health, romantic relationships, family, or sex life. I charted the course. The clinicians followed my lead without question. The guiding issue was what I wanted to look like.

No other medical field operates with this level of carelessness and disregard for patient health and welfare. No other medical field addresses issues of self-perception with surgery and labels it “medically necessary.” No other medical field is this disconnected from the reality of the patients it serves.

Kaiser has traded medicine for ideology. It’s far beyond time we stop the ruse of considering “gender-affirming” interventions as anything approaching medical care.

This isn’t the first time Kaiser Permanente has been in the news for completely disregarding medical safeguards in the name of “gender-affirming care.” As girls, Chloe Cole and Layla Jane became convinced that they were born in the wrong body and were actually boys on the inside. Doctors at Kaiser ignored their underlying conditions and instead prescribed testosterone and removed their breasts. Both Cole and Jane have since detransitioned and are currently suing Kaiser.

The fact that children and vulnerable adults are being exploited in this massive ideological experiment is not just tragic; it’s deeply disturbing, especially considering it has evolved into a billion-dollar industry.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can bring more focused scrutiny to the medical scandal unfolding not just at Kaiser but also at medical centers and hospitals across the Western world. These institutions have completely abandoned medical safeguards for patients who claim to be confused about their “gender,” and I aim to awaken more parents and assist them in protecting their children.

This is completely insane.

Apologists online are running around saying, but she didn't mean it, she was lying, she was pretending...

It doesn't matter.

Any kind of security, penetration or integrity test is insincere too. When security researchers compromise Microsoft's operating system or Google's browser or whatever, "but they didn't mean it" is not a defence to a discovered security flaw. It doesn't matter that the security researchers didn't plan to steal data or money or identities. The flaw in the system is there regardless.

It doesn't matter that it was insincere. Because the workers didn't know that. They never checked, never asked questions, never tested. They had been taught and instructed to never ask any questions. They did what they were supposed to. And the system failed spectacularly. Because that's what "gender affirming care" means.

Additionally, the claim that Beth Bourne committed fraud is an outright lie. A patient cannot bill. They do not have the authority. The medical clinic is the only one that can bill, and they must supply a diagnosis and a medical necessity.

If they didn't diagnose her and just wrote down what she said, then they committed fraud. If they claim they did diagnose her, then they committed fraud, because the diagnosis they concocted was bogus. This, by the way, is actually going on. Clinics are reporting fake endocrine and other disorders to get blockers, hormones and other interventions. Jamie Reed and other whistleblowers have documented evidence of this. Beth Bourne is not responsible for what the clinic does. They have medical licenses and legal responsibility. Not her.

Additionally, anyone who actually read the article would know how she tested the system. She said things like, "I've always been not that feminine. So, maybe I get my boobs removed." And they said, "sure." Instead of saying, "wait, why do you think that?" Framing it as her lying is itself a lie. They violated their ethical obligations. That much is incontrovertible. And it's directly the result of "gender affirming care," where clinics and clinicians rubber-stamp anything deemed "trans" based entirely on ideological, not medical, grounds.

#Beth Bourne #undercover #undercover investigation #gender identity ideology #queer theory #nonbinary #non binary #top surgery #bottom surgery #double mastectomy #bilateral mastectomy #gender affirming care #gender affirming healthcare #gender affirmation #affirmation model #medical scandal #medical malpractice #medical corruption #religion is a mental illness

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horrorisunknowntoyou · 1 year

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Simon "Ghost" Riley x Artist! Fem-Reader

Ghost actually didn't know you were an artist, you didn't brag about it or anything. You mainly kept it to yourself even in the beginning of your relationship with him. Mostly because you were embarrassed.

But much like him, you were a soldier, you spent most of your free time observing around the area or doodling in your sketchbook. It was a small one, 8 x 5, black with an elastic band around it, moleskin brand. It easy to carry around in your chest pocket during missions and such.

You were also the girl that ALWAYS had some sort of writing utensil with you, being pencils, pens etc you always had to have it on hand. Not to mention you kept finding them on the floor or other places while walking, so you would always give it to anyone who needs.

Ghost and the others soon started to notice, you pulling out a book in hand with pencil out. Being waiting for planes to pick them up or free time. You always had that book on you no matter what.

Until one day, you forgot your sketchbook as you left it beside you on a bench one day because and commanding officer called you in to chat with you.

Ghost soon noticed and walked over and picked up the book. Curious, he open to see what's inside, only to be met with his face, well, his mask but you get the point.

The sketchbook was filled with sketches of various art styles, of him and other soldiers such as Price, Gaz and Soap. He also noticed you taking cool things you find, like receipts, stickers, tickets etc.

There was even a page full of different skull mask designs for him to try out if he ever wanted to. It's obvious you had talent for this, and saw the world much different then he did.

"Ghost? What are you doing?" Y/n said walking up to him noticing him looking through your sketchbook. "W-wha? How did you get that?"

"You accidentally left it behind." He close the book in hand. Turning to face you, " Y/n why didn't you tell me you are an artist?" You stood there quietly, trying to think, " well...I don't know...I thought you would think it's weird I draw you without asking for permission or anything. "

You can feel him giving you a confused look, " weird? Your wrong doll. In fact I quite enjoy these, I think you should draw me more often then MacTavish though."

"ah, you noticed that."

He leaned in close to your face, his eyes staring at you. " Of course I did."

You can feel your face warming up by close he is, "alright, alright I get it...and to be frank the only one who technically knew I drew was Captain Price. During a meeting once, he saw me doodling on a piece of paper instead of paying attention...he would sometimes ask that I would draw stupid things for him."

"is that so? Show me."

You pulled out a little pocket book for index cards, and on the back of the index cards were stupid drawing of them, ghost include doing dumb shit. It was meant as an inside joke between you, price and even sometimes Laswell.

Ghost couldn't help but snicker at the drawings, it has your art style and humour on it. It's obvious, it's yours.

"You drew Johnny as a literal soap bar, he's going to hate this."

"Well you weren't supposed to see this."

"hmph, And who's this supposed to be?" He flips the index card showing a cartoonish looking grim reaper. You let out a nervous laugh, " ah that...well...uh... "

"Is that supposed to be me, sergeant?"

"Possibly."

"Yes or No?"

You sigh, "yes, it's you." Rubbing the back of your head embarrassed.

"Good girl, I'm keeping this as a souvenir." He says, placing the index card in his pocket. Leaving you there a flustered mess.

"Wait what?!"

Since then, Ghost liked to lean on your shoulder and watch you draw at times, be it at bars with the rest of the crew or at home. It's therapeutic for him at times.

Sometimes he joins in but he mainly like just watching you.

Also since you know he likes flipping through your sketchbook at times, you leave cute messages or notes for him to read. And doodles that supposed to represent you two. Mainly a cartoonish grim reaper holding hands with a witch. Since your nickname is "Salem."

Also Ghost likes to sometimes buy art supplies for you, and see how creative you are.

He's honestly amazed how you view things differently then him because of art, be it colors, or shapes etc. It's interesting to hear your perspective and thoughts both good and bad.

He may not fully understand everything you say, but he knows your passionate in what you do and he respects that. As long your happy he's happy too.

A/n: This is very self indulgence lol, hope you like it! I plan to write some ghost x Mexican fem reader or little scenarios/head cannons. I'm not sure yet but for now that's all :)

#simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #call of duty x reader #ghost x reader

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hanggarae · 4 months

Text

MONSTER - I’M CREEPING IN YOUR HEART BABE

↺ content your new ceo getting on your nerves the first day you meet him, part of my ‘promotion’ series, ceo!jeonghan, f!office worker!reader, jeonghan’s an asshole, suggestive, doyoung is ur coworker, jealous jeonghan for like a second, this is honestly hardly a tear jerker so idk if it’s technically angst but ig ?? idk 😞

↺ a/n : 2.5k words (yikes!), npr, another enemies to lovers jeonghan everyone act surprised this is my first time writing anything suggestive do NAWT perceive me rn 😭☝🏼 this is also loosely based on the lyrics of monster by exo saurrrr it might be fun listening to that while reading idk

“That soon?” your group manager sighed a few feet ahead of your desk. He'd been frustrated at whatever conversation he was having over the phone for the last ten minutes now. You tried not to pay it any mind but it was getting harder now that it got him so worked up his voice could be heard through the entire office.

Your coworker Doyoung looked at you and looked like he wanted to cry. You tilted your head a little confused at what happened to him.

“If he’s this mad about something you just know the rest of us are going to get dragged in too?” he groaned before you could ask him what’s up.

“Who is he even talking to?” you asked him while rolling your chair away from your computer.

“The boss” Doyoung sighed. “The boss as in the ceo you idiot” he continued when you still looked confused.

You mouthed a silent ‘oh’ quickly understanding why your boss was so frustrated. You didn't know much about the ceo except for the fact that he only recently took over. His father retired less than a year ago and you all got the announcement that the current ceo took over only three months ago.

The Yoon company was huge and had establishments all over the country, even some internationally. You figured he would eventually visit each office to oversee what everyone was doing (read: stress everyone out for a twenty minute visit).

Before you could groan at the thought of it your manager got off the phone and clapped to get everyone’s attention. “So that was the ceo’s assistant” he said tiredly, “he’s coming this Friday”

It was almost comedic how instantly everybody complained. You couldn’t blame them. That was three days away, was he insane?

“The problem with Mr Yoon is that if you’re not ahead of the work, you’re behind. So even if we’re for the most part caught up with everything, he’ll likely find a way to complain about our branch.” You watched your manager scan through his personal spreadsheet that kept track of everyone’s work and current projects before he turned to you. “y/n I hate to throw this on you but you and Mingyu are the only ones not currently working on any specific project. Do you think the two of you could get started on that project for the Yang family?”

You knew what he was talking about. It was a project that you were supposed to work on in a month. “If we get it started early maybe he’ll cut us some slack on taking our sweet time with that project for Miss Park”

You nodded, agreeing to get started with the presentation for it. You’d essentially be doing this alone because Mingyu was still on a leave for visiting his family and he’d get back after the ceo was done visiting.

The next two days you spent getting less than three hours of sleep. At first Doyoung encouraged you to just half-ass the presentation but you knew that there was still the off chance that the ceo still went through the work thoroughly, if he did you don’t know how you’d be able to explain why the work was done at such a low level.

You managed to scrape together getting most of it done. The entire project was nowhere near done but considering the actual meeting for it was two months away, getting the presentation done already would surely put you and the office in the ceo’s good books.

Sipping your coffee, you trudged to your desk and stifled a yawn as you settled your things down. Looking at the calendar on your computer you confirmed it was Friday, meaning the ceo that made your last few days hell would be coming today.

You arrived here earlier than usual so you could make sure everything was set up correctly and quickly get one of the supervisors to double check the presentation.

“Look alive, his car just pulled up” Doyoung muttered, walking around your desk to get to his own and get his own belongings settled.

You sighed, mentally preparing yourself for the day. You just knew it’d be a long one.

The double doors pushed open, revealing who you assumed was the ceo. You knew he was young but you didn’t think he’d be that handsome, and oddly.. familiar? You didn’t even realize you were staring until Doyoung tapped you and beckoned you to get back to work.

“Everyone, this is Mr Yoon, the new ceo” your manager stepped aside to allow the ceo to take the center.

“It’s nice to meet you all, my name is Jeonghan. I look forward to seeing what everyone in this branch is capable of” he smiled.

‘Jeonghan’ talked to your manager before sauntering over to your desk, a polite business smile on his face. “I understand you are the one working on the Yang family project Miss..” he looked for your name tag. When he saw it you swear something in his face changed when he sneered speaking your name.

He looked back to your face, observing you before the corner of his lip quirked up. “It would seem like you are this branch’s most capable employee, Miss y/n”

“Oh I wouldn’t say that-” you tried to object.

“Come with me. Bring the presentation materials with you” he turned, not willing to hear any objection from your manager.

You hadn’t practiced presenting it, barely rereading any of the actual information on the slides. For the most part, you’d have to wing it.

As expected, the presentation was somewhat of a mess. The lack of sleep got to you so you weren’t as engaging with the presentation as you’d usually be, on top of that whenever you looked over at Jeonghan it felt like you were tripping over your words even more. It almost felt like he was staring and smirking at you on purpose.

By the time you were done with the presentation it was time for your break. You needed to unwind after the morning you had, scrolling through your phone and checking for any food places nearby that were open. You’d forgotten to pack a lunch and usually you’d deal with it, drinking an extra coffee instead but you desperately needed to just eat anything good to get your mind off of your annoying ceo.

Before you called and ordered, you figured you’d ask if anybody else wanted something too. You first asked your manager and were about to ask Doyoung except the ceo decided to strike up a conversation with him. Too hungry to wait you decided to just walk up and ask, it was your break anyway who cared?

“Hey Doyoung, I’m headed out for lunch. You want me to grab you anything to eat?” you asked him, not paying your ceo any mind while you felt him staring at you.

“Sure. I’ll text you, thanks” he smiled.

Before you headed off you decided to ask the ceo too since he seemed like the type to hold a grudge if you didn’t. “I’m alright, thank you for the offer”

“Here’s your food Doyoung” you smiled tiredly while you handed your coworker the bag.

You sat at the table with your own lunch, getting your food out and scrolling through your phone. You got a notification from that dating app you’d been using for a couple months now, answering the texts from the guy you’d been texting back and forth for a while now. His name was Minseok, you were originally supposed to go out with him a few days ago but had to take a raincheck to work on the project.

Just as you were about to text back that you too were excited for the date tonight, you felt your ceo looming over your shoulder.

“y/n. After you’re done with your break, come see me in my office” Jeonghan said plainly before stalking off.

You gulped, trying to shake off the nerves before focusing on your meal.

You weren’t sure if you wanted the break to end quickly or drag on. On one hand you wanted to get whatever Jeonghan was going to say over and done with, but on the other hand you didn’t want to have to actually deal with whatever he was going to say.

When your break did end, you were hesitant to see him, contemplating outside of his door for a few moments before sighing and biting the bullet. You straightened out your attire before walking into his office and walking toward his desk.

“You asked me to see you, Sir?” you smiled curtly.

“Take a seat” he pointed in front of the desk, opposite from him. “I’ve been thinking, I eventually need to stay in one branch and I want that branch to be this one” he tapped his desk while he spoke uninterested in his own words.

“The reason I’m telling all of this to you,” he circled his desk to stand directly at you. Eyes looking up at his, you gulped taking in his appearance. You really did not like him but you couldn’t deny he was good looking, bangs falling neatly over his eyes and looming over you like you were his prey.

“I’m telling you this because I want you to be my assistant” he smiled, despite that you felt like it was a trap.

Your mouth went dry and you forced out your next words, “assistant?”

“Don’t make that confused face, it makes you look stupid,” he laughed, causing your blood to boil. “You have excellent organizational skills, I could really use that in an assistant”

As much as you hated his guts, it was a good opportunity. If you worked up from his assistant you could eventually be a branch manager yourself one day. But the thought of working with him seemed like hell. Still, you bit back the bitter taste in your mouth, “I’d be delighted to, Sir. Thank you for the opportunity”

“Excellent” Jeonghan clapped, “your first task will be planning out my schedule for the new year. Make yourself comfortable and work at that spare desk over there” he dropped his planner and notes from his former assistant onto your lap before heading out of the office.

You stared at the mess for a few seconds, feeling yourself get more annoyed by the second. “Oh and y/n” he popped his head back in the door, “you’re not allowed to clock out until all of that is organized, understand?”

And he left again before you could confirm or oppose his decision. You decided it was useless trying to argue and settled with texting Minseok that you’d have to take another raincheck. Judging by the way he read the message but didn’t reply, it was safe to assume that it might not ever be rescheduled.

Hours passed and you were still only about halfway through planning the ceo’s schedule. You knew everyone was clocking out when you saw Doyoung wave pitifully at you through the glass door.

“You haven’t changed one bit, you know that?” Jeonghan piped up when the entire floor left for the night. In all honesty you’d forgotten he was still here considering he napped at his desk the first chance he got.

“What are you talking about?” you frowned. What did he mean? When did he ever know you prior to this?

“You never speak up, do you? Even back in high school you never did” he laughed mockingly.

High school? Okay, what was wrong with- oh. Now you remember. Yoon Jeonghan, you don’t know how it took so long to put two and two together. You were both in the same honors class in high school and constantly competed for the top spot. You didn’t necessarily resent him much at first but given how he was constantly pushed by his family to be the best, he loathed you for coming in his way of it. Because of this, he eventually made your life a living hell too, so you graduated hoping you’d never see him again.

“Remember now, huh? God I hated you, always being such a nuisance” he sneered down at you. You didn’t process him closer to you until he leaned over your desk and now face to face with you. “How does it feel to know you ended up below me anyway?”

You didn’t want to start an argument with your new boss, especially considering you’d be working with him at all times now. But you remembered his comment from earlier and it annoyed you how he spoke to you like you were inferior to him.

“It doesn’t feel like anything. Because I know that I at least earned my spot here, all you did was happen to be born in a good family” you watched as his smirk turned sour, anger crossing his face before he laughed lowly.

“You’ve got some nerve for talking to your boss like that. I could fire you right now, you want that y/n?”

The taller man laughed at the fear that flashed in your eyes. “Oh you poor thing, ran out of arguments?” he pouted condescendingly. “You were so confident a second ago, is one little threat all it takes to mess you up?”

You didn’t respond to his taunts, biting back your tongue so you couldn’t respond. It was pointless, he wasn’t the type to let you go easily if you argued back and he wasn’t worth losing your job over.

“You’re really boring me now y/n” he chuckled, “come on fight back a little, yeah?”

You turned to look at his face but gasped when you realized he’d gotten even closer, his face mere centimeters away from your own. “Jeonghan” you sighed, eyes fluttering shut to avoid his hard stare.

“Who gave you permission to call me by my name? You’re just my employee y/n. You worked so hard when we were younger just for you to be my lowly employee” he laughed in your face.

His words caused small tears to swell in your eyes and you tried to blink them away before he noticed them.

“Isn’t that just so cute?” Your boss cooed, wiping at your tears, “don’t cry baby”

You let out a small gasp at the pet name, desperately hoping he wouldn’t notice.

“You like that, huh?” Jeonghan observed your face, drinking in your appearance, looking a mess as a result of his harsh words and treatment. “Wonder what else you like” he mumbled, slim fingers moving from your cheeks to slide over your neck, eventually settling on your shoulder.

“Get back to work, yeah?” he left before you could say anything else. You watched as he walked away, taking this as your chance to leave. He could ridicule for it tomorrow but you couldn’t stay here any longer, not when you felt the need to kiss him right there.

Get a grip! You hated him! And he hated you, albeit that realisation did sting a little.

Ugh and you couldn’t even avoid him anymore, you were literally his assistant now there was no avoiding him. Whatever, he’d get bored of trying to get a rise out of you in a month or less so all you had to do was put up with him until then.

#seventeen x reader #seventeen x you #yoon jeonghan x reader #jeonghan x y/n #yoon jeonghan imagines #jeonghan x you #jeonghan x reader #jeonghan angst #jeonghan imagines

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lostinwoso · 1 year

Text

Thin Line (Alexia x Reader)

Request - ca. 10.3k words - Enemies to Lovers

The sound of the excited fans rings around the stadium and through the tunnel, in which both teams are currently starting to line up to walk out in a few minutes. The atmosphere is clearly good, but this comes to no surprise as it’s the UWCL semi-final with the match-up being Barcelona vs Wolfsburg.

After walking to your position in the line, you take a glance around the tunnel, when your eyes catch the ones of the Barcelona captain, who currently is on her own way to the front to lead her time out in a bit. As soon as Alexia notices that it’s you, she sends you a glare, which you return instantly before breaking eye contact as she walks past you.

The dislike towards one another started at the close semi-final match in the 2019/20 UWCL season. The close game back then had both teams on edge, so after giving a “light” shove to the Spaniard, to stop a counter-attack from Barcelona, you two got into a small argument with rather not so friendly words being exchanged. The fire was fueled even more after you managed to kick the ball into the net as the defense couldn’t get it out in time, securing Wolfsburg the win.

Plus, you might have run past the midfielder during your celebration on purpose and sent her a provocative smile as you walked back to your position to continue the game, wanting to annoy her as much as possible after the incident that occurred earlier in the game. And as it was time to shake hands after the game, you might even decided to put some more salt into the wound with a comment about how unfortunate it is that they couldn’t achieve more in this game.

So safe to say that the reaction from the Spanish midfielder comes to absolutely no surprise to you. You just hope that Wolfsburg can beat Barcelona once again, as you definitely don’t want to be the one to have to face any possible teasing this time.

Even though you know that you would kind of deserve it.

A tap on your shoulder breaks you out of your thoughts, turning around, you are faced with your teammate Lynn, “Are you planning on moving soon or should we just stay here?”, she teases you while pointing over your shoulder.

Confused, you turn back around, only to notice that the teams already started to walk out into the stadium. You quickly jog up to the line, trying your best to ignore the snickers of the left back behind you.

The moment you step outside into the almost completely full Camp Nou will for sure be forever engraved inside your head. It almost feels more like a dream than reality. The fact that so many people came to watch a women's game is an unbelievable feeling for you.

When it was time to shake hands with the referee and the Barcelona girls, Alexia made sure to once more send you a rather sharp look, which only fueled your need to win this game even more.

But already early on this plan seems not to go the way you would like, thanks to two early goals at the 3rd minute by Aitana which was only 7 minutes later followed by a goal from your ex-teammate Hansen.

Barcelona clearly owned the game, barely giving you and your teammates any chances of even getting close to their goal before they would get the ball back into their own possession. All you could do was try to close off as much space as you could, which also didn’t work as well, and before you knew it the half-time whistle blew with a score of 4-0 for Barcelona.

What annoyed you the most is that Alexia managed to score one of those goals.

The smirk and raised eyebrow she sent you as she walked back to her position after her goal made you angry and upset, this game was nowhere near how you wanted it to go, and you hate it.

To your luck, the second half starts much better.

Barcelona was still the more dominant team, but your team now managed to hold it much better together in your own half, thanks to a much-needed adjustment in the defense.

In the 69th minute, you manage to regain the ball back into your possession thanks to a miscommunication between Alexia and Jenni. You immediately start running up the field before you end up passing the ball to your teammate Jill, who sends the ball in the goal. The joy is short-lived though, as the referee blows the whistle when the sideline assistant holds up the offside flag.

You were ready to cry in frustration at this point, of course the one goal you manage to get in gets flagged off.

After quite a long VAR check, the goal gets allowed, the automatic line showing that Jill was just slightly onside after all. But even then there was no time to celebrate, not when Barcelona is still in a comfortable three goal lead.

Which would turn into a four goals lead just 15 minutes later after Barcelona gets a penalty from Dom fouling Alexia inside the box. And of course, Alexia herself steps up to take the penalty to obviously put the ball into the back of the net effortlessly.

That would also be the last goal of the night as not long after the referee blows the whistle signaling that the game is over. And if you are honest, you are quite happy that the nightmare is finally over. All you want to do now is leave the game behind you and focus on the second leg, which would hopefully go much better for you and your team.

Even though you want nothing more than to get off this field already, you make your ways around to say some encouraging words to your teammates as well as shaking hands with the Barcelona players, purposely trying to avoid Alexia.

But to your luck, you do end up encountering the Spanish woman, even almost walking directly into her as your attention swayed over to where the Barcelona fans were celebrating the win for a moment.

When your attention turns to the Barcelona captain in front of you, you immediately notice the smug smile on her face. Deciding that you don’t want to deal with whatever she is going to say, you try to maneuver around her, not caring if the cameras might catch the failed encounter.

Alexia doesn’t seem to like your plan of escaping and ignoring her in the process, so as you try to move past her, she takes a hold of your upper arm to stop you from walking past her, “What, no handshake for me?”.

You try to keep your face as neutral as possible at her question, but the annoyed look she receives from you once you look at her lets her know exactly how you feel, making her smirk grow even bigger in satisfaction of getting to you.

Not wanting to cause a scene or have an argument interrupt between the two of you, you swallow the words you would like to say to her and instead force a smile on your face, which might look more like a pained grimace than an actual smile and free your arm out of her grasp to hold your hand out for the requested handshake.

The Spaniard raises her eyebrow at your silence as a challenge, before accepting your outstretched hand, repeating the very same words to you that you said to her just two years prior, “How unfortunate that you couldn't achieve more in this game, no?”.

It’s obvious that Alexia wants to get back at you by repeating your own words to you after the tough loss. And with your mood already at its deepest point it could be at right now, she certainly achieved her goal.

“Yea, really unfortunate.”, you scoff, retrieving your hand from the handshake, adding, “Just wait for the second game, you won’t have a chance.”.

As soon as you said the last word, you turned around and hurried into the tunnel, leaving Alexia behind you. The midfielder looks at you until you disappear out of her sight, the satisfied smile not leaving her face once.

___

The loss clearly bothered you a lot, of course all your teammates weren’t proud of the performance in the first game, but it was obvious that it hit you the hardest. So, the next few days, leading up to the second game, you spend doing almost the same things every day. Eating, training, analyzing the loss plus Barcelona’s play style in general and sleeping. Being prepared for the game was your number one priority.

You can’t give Alexia the satisfaction of winning against you back to back.

The team seems to feel the same way, not for the same reason as you but losing the second game at home was certainly not an option.

So here you are, just 8 days after the grueling game in Barcelona, ready to walk out of the tunnel onto the pitch of the Volkswagen Arena. To keep your concentration sorely on the game ahead, you make sure not to look around the tunnel to potentially catch the eyes of the person you so desperately want to see lose tonight.

Once it is time to walk out and the UWCL Hymne starts to play, you take a moment to look around the stadium, of course the attendance isn’t as big as it was in Barcelona but having around 22,000 people here to support you feels you with confidence, pride and the need to give your fans a good game and victory at the end.

As it was time to shake hands with the Barcelona players, you still made sure to not meet the eyes of Alexia. And if the captain was honest to herself, your complete disregard of her presence infuriates her for some reason. But it also fuels her even more to beat you once again.

Both Teams realize early on though that this game isn’t like the last one. Yes, Barcelona still holds more possession, but your team is awake and way more safe in the defense and able to create chances up front. So unlike the half-time score of 4-0 in the last game, it’s now 0-0, meaning everything can happen.

But this changes rather quick, just two minutes after the beginning of the second half, Wolfsburg gains a free kick which results into a mess in the defense to get the ball out so as soon as the ball lands in front of your feet you fire it towards the goal, most Barcelona players too distracted complaining about a possible foul or handball.

You get swarmed immediately by your teammates, while some Barcelona players run up to the referee. And as soon as the goal check was officially over and your goal counts, which you could see irritated Alexia a lot, you can feel some weight fall off your shoulder.

“Immer weiter!”, you yell out while clapping, wanting to keep the momentum up. (Keep going)

Which seems to work out great as just around 12 minutes later in the 59th minute when Jill successfully wins the ball into her possession to score another goal.

Unfortunately though this would be the last goal of the night, meaning Barcelona will advance into the final while you would just have to try again next year. But even though you and your team didn’t manage to advance, you still felt somewhat good. After all, you did manage to put an end to the winning streak of Barcelona and proved that Wolfsburg is still one of the best teams Europe has with that one win.

Just like every other game, you make your way around the field to handshake your teammates and opponents. Ironically though, this time Alexia is the one who seems rather hesitant to encounter you, but knowing with the huge spotlight she has on her that the cameras would notice if she wouldn’t go up to you, she makes her way over.

You stand with your back towards her, talking to Jill about her goal, when you feel someone poking your shoulder. Turning around, you are faced with Alexia, who offers no words but simply holds out her hand for you to shake, which you accept.

Alexia is confused by your silence, why haven’t you made fun of her losing, once again, to you?

“Just say it.”, she huffs out once the handshake is over.

“Say what?”, you say with a teasing smile, kind of enjoying her visible annoyance at your silence.

The Spaniard rolls her eyes at your teasing, “You know the whole how unfortunate you couldn’t achieve more.”.

“And for what? You are still the one going to Juventus.”, you reply with a shrug of your shoulders.

Alexia is confused, yeah you are right, but that's it? Not a single bad word from you about the performance tonight? Her thoughts are interrupted when Aitana calls out for her to come over to say thanks to the few fans that traveled to support their team tonight.

“Well, good game then?”, she offers, still confused by your behavior.

“Good game.”, you agree but once she starts to walk over to her team you can’t help yourself and yell out after her, “And good luck for the final, maybe you have a chance there to actually achieve some more, you know, something like a win maybe?.”.

The woman turns around at your words to send you a glare, almost feeling foolish for believing you wouldn’t say something like that after your words at the end of the last game. You in return send her a smile and thumbs up back, to which you can see her jaw clench in annoyance, before she turns around as Aitana calls out for her once again.

Slowly making your way over to your own team to take a walk around the stadium, you let out a laugh at her reaction, satisfied with getting to her once more.

___

21 days later, you find yourself with some of your Wolfsburg teammates in Juventus to watch the UWCL final. With Wolfsburg having only the DFB-Pokal final left in a few days, you decided to spend some time together before all your ways would part after the game, everyone going on different vacations before the euros would start.

You don’t know which team you would like to win more, instead hoping more for an exciting game of football from two amazing teams.

But you early on get flashbacks from your own final against Lyon back in the UWCL 19/20 season. Lyon managing to score three times in a span of 33 minutes certainly wasn’t on your bingo card. And even though Alexia managed to score one goal before the half-time whistle blows, you can’t help but feel like that this game is already decided.

That feeling would turn out to be true another 45 minutes later, as neither of the two teams scored any more goals, crowning Lyon once again the winner of the Women Champions League. Seeing the Barcelona players so sad makes you remember your own final once more, knowing exactly how painful it is to lose such an important game. As your eyes find Alexia lying on the floor crying, you slightly start to feel guilty. It was obvious under how much pressure the Spaniard was with all the sudden attention on her, and knowing that your words weren’t necessarily positive input on the immense amount of pressure she already felt makes you feel bad.

After the stadium calmed down a little and the ceremony was over, you all met up with Jill’s teammate Dan real quick to gratulate her and the team on the win before it was time to head back to the hotel, needing to get some sleep before the early flight the next day to get back to Wolfsburg, your own final not long away as well.

___

Just two months later, you are sitting in the Old Trafford Stadium, waiting for the opening game of the Euros 22 England - Austria to start. Unfortunately for you, you got yourself a small injury in the DFB-Pokal game against Potsdam from which you didn’t manage to fully recover before the Euros started, meaning you would have to sit out the tournament this year. But not wanting to sit back home in Wolfsburg the entire time, you decided to fly out to England anyway to watch as many games as you could.

Yesterday, the news came out that Alexia tore her ACL, ending her tournament before she even had the chance to start. You saw a lot of footballers sending her encouraging words and thought about doing it too, but the history between you two made you decide against it, since you were probably the last person she would want to hear from.

As the Euros went on, you went to whatever games were closest to you, with some exceptions where you would travel a bit further to watch the games of your Wolfsburg teammates to support them. It was during the Germany - Austria game where you first heard about the rumors about Barcelona looking to sign two new players, now that Alexia would be out for a few months, from a trusting social media source.

And with that, just two days later you receive a message from your Agent, informing you that you are one of the players Barcelona is interested in signing this summer and that Wolfsburg would be willing to let you go for the amount of money they offer for you. When you read that message you didn’t reply immediately, actually you didn’t reply at all, so the next day your Agent called you to talk about the offer. It’s not that you are not tempted to play for Barcelona, they are a powerful team and that they want you to join them fills you with pride, but the hate between you and Alexia fills you with doubt.

First you destroy her win streak, and you are once again snarky towards her, and then she gets injured, and you are one of the players that is supposed to help to fill the hole her injury left in the squad. You are aware that you couldn’t completely replace her and that’s not what you want anyway, just because there are some differences between the two of you, you can’t deny that she is the best in the world in her position. But the whole thing about you going to Barcelona to play instead of her could leave a bad impression on the woman.

You and your Agent agreed to her, telling Barcelona that you would still need some time to think about the offer. After all, it’s not just the situation between you and the Barça captain that bothers you but also the thought of leaving Wolfsburg. The team has become your family almost immediately after you joined them back in 2017, so saying goodbye to them would be everything but easy for you. A few hours later, your Agent lets you know that the team wants your answer by the end of the month, meaning that you only have exactly one week left to make your decision.

The next day you met up with Popp, wanting to get her advice on the situation, as she was one of the players you were always closest to in the Wolfsburg squad. She made it obvious that you leaving would be sad for everyone, but she understands the feeling of wanting a new challenge and that you should just follow your heart.

You thought the talk would help you to fully decide on whether you should accept it and start a new chapter or let everything stay the way it was, but that was easier said than done. So now on the deadline day for you to make a decision, you are sitting in the location where Germany celebrates their second place but while most of them are talking and dancing you are simply staring at the call button of your agent.

“Mach es.”, a voice next to you speaks up. (Do it)

Turning to the voice you are met with Huth, one of your Wolfsburg captains, “Ich weiß nicht.”, you reply, still not sure if you really want to go. (I don't know)

“Es ist okay etwas Neues auszuprobieren und ich glaube du wirst dich in Spanien gut einfinden können.”, she assures you. (It's okay to try something new and I'm sure you will fit in)

You don’t reply immediately, taking a moment to think about her words but also about the talk between you and Alex a week prior, “Okay.”, you breathe out.

Sveni sends you an encouraging smile before taking her leave to let you call your agent, who picks up rather quickly, clearly having waited on hearing from you, “I’ll do it.”.

___

After Barcelona received the ‘yes’ from you, everything happened rather quickly. The club helped you find an apartment and announced your signing almost immediately once all the paperwork between Wolfsburg and Barcelona was done. Quite a few of the Barcelona women reached out to you to congratulate you on the signing and how excited they are to play with you instead of against you now for the unseeable future. Especially your Ex-Wolfsburg teammates Ingrid, Rolfö and Caro were excited about your arrival to the Spanish club.

Alexia wasn’t one of them but you didn’t expect her to reach out to you, after all she just got one of the hardest injuries she could have gotten which she has to focus on coming back from and dealing emotionally with.

Since you were still coming back from your own injury, you first would join the team in training a few days before the first game of the season, meaning that you didn’t play in any of the club friendlies prior. For most of the training session you stuck close to your ex teammates from Wolfsburg, still a bit overwhelmed by the change after having played in Germany for the past 5 years.

Especially the change of weather hit you hard, yes Germany can also get quite warm during the summer nowadays too, but the Spanish heat certainly hits differently, so safe to say you were grateful when once again a small drink break was announced. You were chatting with Keira for a moment about the weather, the Brit also not having gotten really used to it by now, before Lucy pulled her away to get more to drink.

You are in the middle of chugging down a whole water bottle when a voice behind you speaks up, “You are doing great.”.

Putting your bottle down, you turn around and are met with Aitana, “Thank you.”, you reply with a small smile.

The small midfielder returns the smile, “You know, we were all quite excited to hear that you would join us.”.

You raise your eyebrow at her words, “Really?”.

Aitana nods her head in confirmation, “Yes, you were always one of the most unpleasant people to play against, so having you on our side now will help us a lot.”.

A chuckle leaves your lip at her words to describe you, “Well, I hope I can help.”.

“I’m sure you will, but now let’s get back to training, the break is over.”.

You can’t stop the groan from leaving your lips, quickly trying to get some more sips from your bottle before you would have to start running under the Spanish sun again.

Aitana simply laughs at your reaction, “Come on, you will get used to the weather soon.”.

“Mhm, sure.”, you mumble before joining her to walk back to the squad.

___

Your first appearance for the Catalonian club would still have to wait as the first game day has to be rescheduled due to the Referees going on a strike. But the week later it was finally time against UDG Tenerife in the Estadi Johan Cruyff. You were super excited about the game, you might not be in the starting XI, but you got informed that you will be subbed on at some point, which would officially start your new chapter with this club.

You even got on earlier than expected due to Patri having to get subbed off after receiving a head injury in the 11th minute. Surprisingly for you, you managed to fit in immediately, almost no sign of you just having transferred to the club as Keira, Vicky and you are doing a great job in the midfield. Even managing to score the first of the two goals of the game in the second half, so safe to say that your start almost couldn’t have been better than this.

After the game is also the first time you somewhat encounter Alexia since the semi-final game back in Wolfsburg again and this time not as her opponent but her teammate. The team is celebrating the win in the locker room, clearly excited about the great start into the season, when Alexia comes in, still on her crutches. While almost all of your new teammates go to greet the injured midfielder, you stay behind, unsure on how to approach the woman. You do meet her eyes for a moment, but the way she immediately divides her look to somewhere else in the room, lets you know that maybe it is not the right time yet to talk to her anyway.

But the first time you would actually talk to her follows up just two days later as you make your way to training and see Alexia struggling to open the door to get inside, making you quicken your step to jog up to the door to help her open it, “Here, let me help.”.

“Gracias.”, she mumbles, glancing at you before slowly making her way through the door with her crutches.

There is an awkward silence between you as you both walk down the same hallway, so you decide to speak up, “I’m sorry about your injury, but I'm sure you will come back even stronger.”, you try to encourage her.

The midfielder stops walking and turns to you, “Are you now?”, she asks, and you notice the upset tone in her voice.

“Of course, no one deserves an injury like that and-”, you start off but get interrupted by Alexia letting out an upset laugh, “You really think I’m going to believe a single word you are saying?”.

“I mean why would I-”, you try to defend yourself, but Alexia once again puts a stop to your words, “Why would you? I don’t know, maybe because you made fun of me every time I lost against you, then you celebrated with the Lyon players after the final, and now you come here to take my spot once I'm injured?”, she says, now clearly upset and distraught.

You take a step back from the woman, “I wasn’t, I’m not…”, you stutter out wanting to defend yourself, but the midfielder was still having none of it, “Just save it okay? I don’t want any of your alleged pity and-.”.

“Alexia!”, a voice a few doors down the corridor speaks up, interrupting the Spaniard in front of you this time.

As you both turn to the voice, you notice Irene standing there, she must have heard the upset and angry woman in front of you from the locker room, meaning that she probably also isn’t the only person that heard what just went down between the two of you.

Alexia mumbles some words in Spanish to herself before taking her leave, leaving you and Irene standing alone in the hallway.

You know that the situation between you and Alexia was tense but her accusing you of thinking that you are not sorry about her injury stings. Yeah, your words towards her certainly weren’t nice but wishing people an injury is something you would never do.

“Come on, let’s get changed.”, Irene’s voice breaks you out of your thoughts, walking towards her, you notice the team at the end of the hallway, already walking out to start training soon.

“Just give her some time.”, the defender says as she waits for you to get changed.

“I don’t know, maybe coming here wasn’t a good idea.”, you say with a sigh, clearly overthinking the decision to sign for the club.

Irene makes her way over to sit down next to you, “It was a good idea, you are a great player and a great addition to the club, Alexia still has some difficulties adjusting to the situation with her injury. Your signing may also put some impact on that, but I’m sure you two can get through that at some point.”, she reassures you.

“Alright, if you say so.”.

“I am, now let’s go out before we have to run extra laps around the field.”, she says, pulling you up from your seat to get you out where all the girls were already warming up.

___

The next few weeks you kept your distance from the injured woman, not wanting to risk another argument and of course to give her some time to deal with her own emotions with you now being at the club. But you knew that sooner or later you two would have to talk it out if the team climate wants to stay positive, so you decided to apologize to her the next time you would have the opportunity away from all the other girls.

Alexia was also aware that the situation between the two of you would have to get better at some point, which was made more clear during a conversation she had with Irene.

“You should give her a chance.”, Irene says to Alexia, who is looking out to the pitch where you and the other midfielders decided to do some extra training, wanting to make sure that Real Madrid will have the most difficult time to get past you all.

All Alexia offers is a distracted hum at the defender's words.

“I’m serious Alexia, I don’t know what went down between the two of you in detail, but she is our teammate now. And I’m not asking you two to become best friends, but to simply get along good enough to keep a healthy team climate.”.

Alexia lets out a sigh and turns away from the window and instead turns to face Irene, who is watching her intensely, “I know, I’m going to work on it, I promise.”.

Satisfied with the answer, Irene takes her leave to go out to where you and the others were still training to put a stop to it before you all would be too tired to actually play the game in two days.

Agreeing with her, you all make your way to the shower and get changed. Once you are done, you are ready to go home and eat some food but as you make your way down the hallway you are once more met with Alexia struggling to open the door, making you stop in your tracks. You are unsure on what to do, should you just wait for her to figure it out herself or help her but risk another rather unpleasant conversation?

You decide to go with the latter, maybe this would be a good opportunity for you to apologize to her in hopes to make things somewhat better between you two.

So with a deep breath you make your way towards her, “Here.”, you say while opening the door for her once again.

“Gracias.”, she says while walking through the door, you following close behind her.

“Do you uh, have a moment maybe?”, you ask her before she could get away towards where she would be driven home.

With the words of Irene still present in her mind, Alexia turns around to face you, nodding softly.

“Alright, so, I would like to apologize for how things went between us.”, you start off, “The way I behaved the times we played against each other wasn’t okay, but the emotions of the games always got the better of me and yeah.”, you stop to check the reaction of the woman in front of you but when you notice no sign of any emotions on her face you start to ramble “And I didn’t accept the offer to steal your spot or anything, I just saw it as a great way to start a new chapter and I truly do feel bad about your injury, there is no denying that you are one of the best players in the world and having you sit out sucks a lot.”.

Noticing that Alexia is still silent, you are about to jump head first into the second round of apologizing, but her speaking up puts a stop to that, “Okay.”.

“Okay?”, you ask her confused, when she doesn’t add any other words.

“I accept your apology, if you accept mine. I shouldn’t have blown up on you like that a few weeks ago.”, she offers.

“Oh no, no, you had every right. I know how weird it must have been when you heard I would join, that's also the reason why I hesitated for so long.”, you explain to her, but the single raise of her eyebrow lets you know that it’s not the answer she was looking for, so you quickly agree, “Okay, deal.”, adding, “So a fresh start now?”.

Alexia nods her head in agreement, “Si, fresh start.”.

You can’t stop the smile from forming on your face, “Great, so uhm I’m Y/N.”, you reintroduce yourself to her, holding your hand out for her to shake, wanting to make everything the proper way this time.

The woman in front of you looks at your outstretched hand before her eyes scan her own hands, which are occupied holding her crutches, so she can stand properly, following her eyes you quickly realize the issue, “Oh right.”, you start off, moving to put your hand down again when Alexia starts to shuffle her crutches into one of her hands, so she could accept yours, “Alexia.”.

“Nice to meet you.”, you say, starting to feel embarrassed after though once you realize that you might overdo the whole fresh start thing.

“Nice to meet you too.”, Alexia confirms when she realizes your slight embarrassment.

Sending her another smile, you notice a woman stepping out of the car from the corner of your eye, realizing that it’s Alexia’s sister Alba, you decide that it’s time to go home now.

You nod in the direction of her sister, “Alright, I let you leave now then.”.

Alexia looks towards where you were motioning to, agrees, “Si, good luck on Sunday.”.

“Gracias.”, you thank her before making your way to your own car to get home, happy for finally defusing the tense situation between you.

___

At first interactions between you were still awkward, like when Alexia complimented you on your performance in the last match against Madrid CFF, where you scored a goal and assisted one, you didn’t really know what to say. So you simply thanked her, which turned to you both smiling at each other rather awkwardly before she had to go.

But it got better as time went on, you two were now able to hold conversations without the awkward aura, sure you still weren’t close, but it’s far better from what you expected how things would go between you both from when you first joined the club.

One morning as you walk up to the stadium for training, you notice Alexia in the corner of your eye, but what surprises you the most is that the woman is walking without any crutches for support.

“Wow, am I dreaming or are you really walking by yourself?”, you speak up once she is in hearing range.

Alexia laughs at your reaction, “No, no, I really am walking by myself.”.

“That’s amazing, I’m happy for you.”, you tell her, truly happy to see the woman slowly coming back.

“Thank you.”, the Spanish woman says, smiling at you, as you hold the door open for her to go inside, “Excited about the first Champions League game of the season?”, she asks you as you two make your way through the training center.

“Of course, I’m ready to show everyone that we are one of the best teams in the world.”.

“That's what I like to hear.”, Alexia chuckles, changing to another topic before you two would have to split up, you to get ready for training and Alexia to get to the physio.

Two days later, you were in the starting XI for the first group game of the UWCL season. You had to admit that it felt kinda weird hearing the hymn play knowing you are about to play in the tournament for Barcelona instead for Wolfsburg, which you had done the last 5 years, but you were ready to give it your all and make the best from being on as starter.

And that’s clearly what you did, with scoring 2 goals yourself and assisting another 2 goals for your teammates, leaving Benfica absolutely no chance as the game ends in a clean 9-0 for Barcelona.

After thanking the fans for the support and celebrating the win with them, the celebration moved into the locker room, everyone obviously happy about the result from the first group game. But after another hour of talking and dancing, you find yourself growing tired, the 90 minutes of playing slowly catching up to you.

As you start to pack your things up and get ready to leave, you see Alexia sitting in the corner of the room, also looking slightly exhausted. Knowing that you two don’t live that far from each other, you decide to walk over to her to offer a ride home.

“You good?”, you ask her, standing in front of her.

Alexia raises her head as she hears your voice, slightly confused by your question, “Si, ¿Por qué?”. (why?)

“You look tired and haven’t really talked to anyone in the past 20 minutes.”, you state with a shrug of your shoulders.

“I guess that's because I am tired.”.

You let out a hum at her words, “Want a ride home then? I was going to leave now.”.

Alexia thinks about your offer for a moment before replying, “If you don’t mind?”.

“If I would, I wouldn't have offered, now let's go.”, Alexia rolls her eyes playfully at your words before saying goodbye to everyone, you doing the same.

As you two make your way towards your car, you hold open every door for the Spanish midfielder on the way, “You do know that I’m capable of opening doors just fine, now that my hands are free again, yes?”.

“I do know yes, but thanks for reminding me, but you know, I was kind of hoping for a thank you.”, you reply, waiting for her to get seated in your car, so you could close the door.

Alexia once again rolls her eyes at your words, but can’t stop the smile from forming on her face, “Thank you.”.

“No problem.”, closing the door, you make your way over to the driver's seat, ready to finally make your way home and get to bed.

You leave the parking lot in comfortable silence, that's it until Alexia speaks up, “You played really well tonight.”.

“Thank you.”.

“I’m glad you joined us, you are a great player and not as much of an ass as I previously thought you are.”, she admits jokingly, but you know that there is definitely some truth in those words, making you chuckle lightly.

“It wasn’t an easy decision to be honest.”, you admit, glancing over to her for a second before focussing back on the road.

“Oh really? I thought you would have jumped on immediately at the chance of stealing my spot.”, she jokes, making you actually full on laugh this time. Alexia waits for your laugh to fade out to ask, “What made the decision so difficult?”.

“Honestly? The whole drama between us played a huge role but also leaving Wolfsburg after 5 years sounded very scary.”, you confess to her, “I was scared to come here because I knew that with our history it would seem like I would come here to simply use your injury to my advantage to get to you in another bad way, you know. And the day you blew up on me in the hallway, where you had every right to question my motives, made me doubt that move even more, but the happier I am now that we can actually talk to one another now, without all the snarky and provocative comments.”. Alexia is surprised by how much the ‘hatred’ between you and her injury seemed to play a role in your decision, “I’m also glad that we managed to get over that, but I didn’t think that my injury would really play a big factor for you.”.

“Like you said, I’m not that bad of a person as I might have seemed like from the few interactions between us.”, you echoed, coming to a halt in front of the apartment building where the Spanish woman lives, “Here we are.”.

“Thank you for driving me.”, Alexia thanks you but makes no move to get out of your car yet.

“No problem.”.

The midfielder still makes no move to get out of your car, “Are you waiting for me to open the door for you or what?”, you joke, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“No.”, she chuckles, “But you think you could pick me up tomorrow on your way to training?”.

“Of course I can.”, you send her a reassuring smile.

Alexia nods, “See you tomorrow then?”.

“Yup, I'll text you when I’ll be here.”.

“Alright, goodnight then.”, she replies, standing now outside your car.

“Goodnight Alexia.”, and with another smile, Alexia closes the door and makes her way into the building, with you waiting until she is safely inside before you drive off to get home yourself.

It soon became a regular thing. You would pick her up in the morning when you had to go to training, and she was slowly working on her comeback, and at the end of each of your sessions you would drive off together. The car rides are always filled with interesting conversations and laughter, something you wouldn’t have dreamed of before your move to Barcelona.

What you also didn’t expect was how well all the games would be going so far, winning the El Clásico against Real Madrid, winning the first game against the toughest opponent in your UWCL group, Bayern. Safe to say, you are beyond happy with the team performance and the minutes you were getting on the field.

But every streak has come to an end sooner or later, which you learn during the away game against Bayern München in the Allianz Arena, Barcelona having to accept the 3-1 defeat. You were upset, you played so many games against them during your year in Wolfsburg that you feel like you should have been better at preparing your team for what was about to come. Besides the fact that you absolutely hate losing against them, they were your direct rival for years, after all.

“It’s not your fault, you know?”, Mapi speaks up, guessing that this is the reason as to why you’re so silent.

You sigh at her words, “I don’t know, I feel like I could have done more for us to be prepared.”.

“You did it great for the first game, it was obvious they are gonna do some changes now.”, she shrugs.

“I guess.”, you agree, not really convinced yet, but you don’t want Mapi to sit here and try to console you while she obviously herself is upset about losing tonight's game.

Alexia could immediately tell that you were still upset about the defeat two days ago, the usual lively car ride now completely silent, no conversation, no laughter, the only sound to be heard is the car engine and Rosalía’s voice from the radio, which you would put on every time since you learned about the liking towards her music from the woman next to you.

“Meet you at your car after training?”, she asks you once it was time to part ways.

“Yup.”, you confirm before disappearing in the locker room.

A few hours later, Alexia was about to make her way to your car, when she notices someone still being outside on the field, all alone kicking the ball around made up obstacles. Upon noticing that it’s you, she makes her way outside, sitting down in one of the seats outside, deciding to give you some more time.

You are so focused on your own little training that you don’t notice the woman until almost half an hour past already. “Shit.”, you curse to yourself at forgetting that you were supposed to drive her home already, so you quickly pack everything up and make your way over to her, “I’m so sorry, I got a bit carried away but let me shower real quick, and then I take you home.”.

Alexia sends you a reassuring smile, “Don’t worry about it, take your time.”.

Despite her words, you do worry and have probably taken the quickest shower you could have before meeting her at your car.

The drive starts off the same as in the morning, that’s until Alexia decides that she has enough of the silence, “Are you hungry?”.

“Uhh, why?”, you question her, glancing at her for a moment.

“You weren’t in the cafeteria during lunchtime.”, she points out.

An embarrassed blush flushes your face, “I might have skipped it to train a bit more?”, you say sheepishly.

A small frown forms on Alexia’s face, the Champions League defeat might have hit you a little harder than she thought at first, “I know a small café not far from where I live, we could grab some food there? Unless you already found a different spot you would prefer.”, she offers.

If you were honest you would love to just go home and have some silence, but the empty feeling in your stomach seems to decide this one for you, “Sure and I honestly haven’t seen much of Barcelona yet to know any good places.”.

So a few minutes later you two were sitting in the café she suggested, enjoying some light food with the usual conversation taking place, the former silence now long gone. You were almost dreading it when it got to the point of you two paying and making your way outside, spending time with the injured midfielder definitely helped to take your mind off everything.

“Thank you for showing me this place.”, you thank her as you were about to make your way over to walk her home.

“We are not done yet.”.

You tilt your head in confusion at her words.

“You said you haven’t seen much yet, so we are going for a little tour around the area.”, she says, already walking some steps in the opposite direction from where you parked your car, waiting for you to come over to join her.

Alexia showed you all the nice places around the area, giving you as much information about everything as she could, that was until her knee started to feel a bit uncomfortable, so you decided to make your way back to her place.

“You know, you could easily become a tourist guide later.”, you joke as you arrive in front of the building, making the woman in front of you laugh.

“Oh yea, for sure, maybe you could become my assistant then.”, she plays along.

“I think for that, I would have to see a little bit more.”.

“You will, I’m going to show you every single little place this city has to offer.”.

“Can’t wait for that.”, you reply, a genuine smile on your face, besides playing football, the time you spent with the spanish woman was definitely one of your favorite things to do. Alexia feels the same, every time she was around you her mind stopped thinking about her injury. Of course the Ballon d’Or winner already accepted her injury but sometimes there were moments where the insecurities came over but being with you for some reason always manages to put even those to rest.

And with that a new regular was formed between the two of you, whenever you both were free after work and rehab, you would go grab some lunch and afterwards Alexia showed you around the city for as long as she could, making sure you would see all the places tourists often like to oversee.

During all those moments, you two started to grow a slight crush on one another, not that the other would know, but the lingering stares when the other wouldn’t notice started to become obvious to some of your teammates.

“You think they have something going on?”, Mapi asks her girlfriend with a slight smirk on her face.

“Who?”, Ingrid questions the defender, confused on who she was referring to.

“Alexia and Y/N!”, she points out if it was the most obvious thing.

Ingrid takes a moment to think about her girlfriend's words, she did notice about you two having grown a little bit closer to one another, and she did catch Alexia staring at you maybe once or twice when she was watching the training.

“Maybe.”, she shrugs, she did think that there could be something sooner or later but she knows how noisy Mapi would get once her suspicions would be confirmed.

“¿Quizás?”. the defender asks, “There is one hundred percent something!”. (maybe?)

“Like I said, maybe.”, Ingrid repeats, Mapi simply lets out a huff before walking away to her fellow defenders, deciding that it seems like that she has no choice but to question Alexia about it herself.

And that’s what she does a few weeks later at the small christmas party after the champions league group game against FC Rosengård, where the team decided to spend the evening together before everyone would leave for christmas and new years eve.

“You are staring.”, Mapi approaches her best friend with a big grin on her face.

“I’m looking around the room.”, is all Alexia says, only spending her friend a small glance.

Mapi her smile only grows, “The room is a bit bigger than just Y/N though.”

Alexia lets out a sigh, she knows María long enough now to know that the defender won’t stop bugging her until she receives the answers she wants to have, “What do you want?”.

“Is there something going on between you two?”, the defender wastes no time to get to the point.

“No.”.

“Do you want to?”.

Silence.

“Aha!.”, Mapi says slighter louder than intended, making people turn their heads towards them, “Lo siento.”, she mutters, waiting for them to get back to their own things, “I knew it! You should ask her out, like right now!.”.

The midfielder rolls her eyes at her friend's antics, “No.”.

“¿Por qué no?”. (why not)

“Because I don’t want to embarrass myself when she doesn’t feel the same and did you forget about the whole thing where we hated each other?”, Alexia points out with a sigh, not really in the mood to talk about her feelings.

“But she does feel the same! And haven’t you heard of the quote ‘It’s a thin line between love and hate’?”.

“Mapi no.”, is all Alexia says, making it pretty clear that the conversation is done as she starts to walk away from her teammate.

“But you know I’m right.”, Mapi yells after her, once again turning the attention in the room towards her. Even though she didn’t achieve her goal she was still happy that her guess was correct, so she could annoy Ingrid later for being in the right.

But unbeknownst to her, Ingrid tried to get some information about the possible feelings between Alexia and you out of you as well, but obviously not in the same annoying way her girlfriend did.

“I don’t know, it’s complicated.”, you shrug, “I don’t want to risk destroying what we have built so far, you know?”.

Your fellow midfielder lets out a hum at your words, understanding your fear, “I understand, but from what I noticed so far, the feelings seem to be shared.”.

“Maybe, but I think I'll just leave it at that for now.”.

“That’s fine but if you ever wanna talk about it, you know where to find me right?”.

“Of course, thank you Ingrid.”, you smile at her.

___ There wasn’t a day where you and Alexia didn’t talk to each other during the almost two weeks apart, whether it's been some messages simply wishing the other a good day or calling for at least an hour, you two always stayed in contact. Alexia was glad about that, because if she was honest, she slightly missed seeing you almost everyday which made her rethink the conversations she had with Mapi almost everyday. Maybe she should ask you out, but what if you reject her and the whole friendship falls apart?

Eli and Alba took notice of the change in behavior from the footballer, they noticed how happy the woman always is whenever she told them about what you two did every other day, also did they notice how excited Alexia always got whenever she received a message from you. When they asked her about it, Alexia tried to play it cool, that you two are just friends and nothing more but they know her well enough to see the doubt and hesitation right through her mask.

You weren’t much better, you also missed the Spanish women, your feelings only growing stronger during the two weeks you were separated, leading to a much longer than necessarily hug between the two of you the morning you picked her again after the break.

During the first game of the year against Sevilla FC, Alexia's eyes almost stayed the entire time on you, “You should ask her out.”.

Alexia turns her attention to her mother, but before she can reply, loud cheers erupt in the stadium, turning to look back at the field she sees your teammates swarming you, meaning that you must have just scored the third goal of the match. As you walk back to your position, you look up in the stands sending Alexia a wave and a thumbs up with a bright smile on your face which the injured woman immediately returns, “Maybe I should.”, she agrees quietly.

After the celebrations of the game are done Alexia and you find yourself in your car again, just arriving at her apartment she decides that it’s now or never, “I was thinking.”, the spanish woman starts.

“Yes?”.

“Maybe instead of grabbing lunch tomorrow we could go out for dinner instead?”.

“Sure, why not.”, you reply with a shrug, confused on why she was so hesitant about it.

Alexia blushes as she realizes that you haven’t gotten the real meaning behind her request, “I kinda mean as a date?”.

Now you also start to blush, feeling kinda stupid for not catching what she meant, realizing that the midfielder in front of you is still waiting for a reply, you quickly snap out of your thoughts, “I would love to.”.

“Really?”, Alexia asks almost in disbelief of you really wanting to go on a date with her.

“Yes.”, you chuckle.

The both of you just look at each other for a moment with hugh smiles and blushes on your faces, before a car horn behind you destroys the moment, “I text you the details then?”, Alexia wonders while stepping out of your car.

“Sounds good.”, you agree before you two say your goodbyes, the smile not leaving either of your faces for the rest of the evening.

The next day you were stressed, but Ingrid was your savior, you were nearly at the point of having a breakdown on what you should wear when the norwegian came over to help you.

“You look great.”, she says once you come out of your bedroom, having put on the clothes she suggested.

“Are you sure? Maybe I should try the ot-”.

“No.”.

“No?”.

Ingrid gets up from your couch, making her way over to you, “You look amazing, Alexia is going to love it okay? You need to calm down a little.”.

“Yeah, okay okay.”, you say, taking a deep breath in hope to calm down.

Alexia wasn’t much better, the woman also overthinking every little thing, while her sister makes fun of her, “Are you going on a date or are you about to get married? I have never seen you being this nervous for a date.”.

“It has to be perfect Alba.”, she says to her younger sister, clearly not finding any of her words funny.

“Come on, I was just trying to lighten things up a bit.”.

Eli comes in to interrupt Alba as she was once again going to speak up, scolding her “Alba leave your sister alone.”.

“Te ves hermosa.”, she tells Alexia, helping her with adjusting her dress. (you look beautiful)

“Gracias mamá.”.

One hour later you are standing in front of the restaurant where Alexia booked a reservation for the two of you. You were nervously rocking back and forth waiting for Alexia to arrive, which she does just a few minutes later.

A bright blush covers both your faces once you make eye contact, “You look beautiful.”, you compliment her, the nervousness clearly audible in your voice.

“Gracias.”, she whispers, “You also look amazing.”.

“Thank you.”.

Once you made your way inside to the restaurant and the nerves settled a little everything went smoothly, you two talked, joked and laughed for hours. Not wanting the night to end, you two decided to take the long walk to get back to your cars.

“Thank you for tonight.”, the catalonian says as you near the parking lot.

“Thank you for asking me out.”.

A moment of silence follows after that, you two just standing in front of each other, gazing into each other's eyes, slowly shuffling closer and closer.

“Can I kiss you?”.

You nod your head slightly, “Yes.”.

With your consent, she immediately places her lips on yours, her hands reaching out to your hips to pull you closer while you drape your arms over her shoulders. After air becomes an issue, you two slowly pull apart, big smiles on both your faces.

___

A lot of dates followed after this one, but your relationship actually wouldn’t become official until after the Supercopa game against Real Madrid. Having played almost the entire 120 minutes you were clearly exhausted, the happier you were that you and Alexia decided for a calm evening, simply cuddling while watching a movie in her apartment.

You were just about to start the second movie of the evening when Alexia speaks up with a nervous voice, “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”.

Pulling a bit away from your position so you could look her in the face, you are met with the cute sight of a clearly nervous Alexia, “I would love to be your girlfriend.”, you say with a soft smile.

The relieved expression on your now girlfriend's face makes you chuckle, “You really thought I would say no?”.

Alexia quickly pulls you into her so you wouldn’t see the blush forming on her face, “I just didn’t want to assume things.”, she mumbles in your neck.

Breaking out of her grasp, you place a small peck on her cheek, before pressing a light kiss on her lips, “You are cute.”.

You two were almost inseparable after this evening, side by side whenever you could be with lingering touches and if you couldn’t directly touch each other, lingering looks were shared. Barely a day and night spent away from each other.

“It’s crazy to think that you two hated each other once, I still remember the way Alexia was cursing your name after the two losses against Wolfsburg back then.”, Aitana says during a team bonding night a few weeks later, nodding to Alexia and you while you were comfortably cuddling on the couch, waiting for the food to arrive.

You chuckle at her words, just about to reply when Alexia beats you to it, “You know what they say, it’s a thin line between love and hate.”, she shrugs.

“Love?”, you question, leaning a bit back to look at her.

“Mhm, I love you.”, she admits while looking you in the eyes, not caring about the others in the room.

The intensity of her stare makes you blush, “I love you too.”, you say, hiding back in her arms as your teammates around you start to ‘Aww’ at the confession that just took place between you.

But Alexia’s eyes are still sorely on you, not noticing the way your teammates were still staring at the both of you or the way Mapi tried to rip Ingrid's hand off her mouth, to ruin the moment by commenting about Alexia repeating the words she told her just a few months ago, all on her mind is how happy she is that you two crossed that Thin Line.

#woso x reader #alexia putellas x reader #woso imagines #alexia putellas imagines #woso imagine #alexia putellas imagine

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scoobydoodean · 3 months

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Okay, now that I have finished 4.16 "On The Head of A Pin", it's time for a Uriel post, because Uriel makes a whole lot of sense and I don't think he gets enough credit for it.

Supernatural starts out introducing us to only three angels: Cas, Uriel, and Anna. And all of them are feeling or have felt the effects of heaven's iron fist—heaven's desire to control their lives, their thoughts, and all of their actions. Anna has already rebelled and fallen, and Cas AND Uriel are having serious doubts—doubts they are afraid to really speak to each other about candidly. We see this starting in 4.07.

In 4.07 "It's The Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester", Uriel and Cas were given orders to tell Dean to leave so they could smite the town and keep the seal from being broken by Samhain's rise. However, their true orders were not to intervene or force Dean to leave. If Dean refused to leave town or wanted to follow another path, they had orders to stand by and watch it happen.

Cas is ultimately pretty okay with this, because he had severe reservations about smiting the town and was troubled to think that could truly be heaven's will. He prayed that Dean would choose to save the town, but he's also aware of the "ends justify the means" angle, and thinks maybe he can't see the full picture and god can, so he can kind of... see both sides and maybe how all those lives were worth the seal from another perspective. This whole thing leaves him troubled... but Uriel is far more troubled.

Uriel thinks they should have wiped the town off the map, and he makes his resentment very clear—calls humans "Savages, just plumbing on two legs". He is certain that Dean will fail, and they will lose this seal, because humans are weak and stupid. And Sam and Dean do end up failing to prevent Samhain's rise—so his perspective is reinforced. He's angry that he's at the mercy of a human—someone he doesn't respect—and heaven is just letting this happen. He's furious about these orders that simply make no sense... but he can't talk to anyone about it—not even really Cas. When Uriel starts bad-mouthing humans, Cas warns him that he's close to blasphemy... and then Uriel actually suggests that they defy their orders. We know from Anna that this is an offense punishable by DEATH. What Uriel's suggesting is a HUGE deal. It's dangerous to even say it out loud.

The thing is, I don't think that Uriel is actually working for Lucifer yet in 4.07. In fact, we know he isn't working for Lucifer yet in 4.07 because he's very clear that he wants to prevent the seal being broken at all costs—to the point he's considering disobedience! I think Uriel deciding to work to free Lucifer is something that happens between 4.10 "Heaven and Hell" and 4.16 "On The Head of A Pin", as Uriel wrestles with his doubt in god and heaven with no one he can truly confide in without risking literal death.

CASTIEL: And any rate, it’s out of our hands. URIEL: It doesn’t have to be. CASTIEL: And what would you suggest? URIEL: That we drag Dean Winchester out of here and then we blow this insignificant pinprick off the map. CASTIEL: You know our true orders. Are you prepared to disobey?

Cas's words are as good as a threat—and Uriel recognizes them as such. He stares at Cas and goes silent, scared to say another word at the risk that Cas will report him or try to smite him.

I think Uriel is aware that Cas also has doubts and confusion about their orders, and that's why he hopes and tries to confide in Cas about his frustrations in 4.07—but the big difference between Uriel and Cas is that Uriel resents humanity like Lucifer did, while Cas loves humanity. Cas calls humanity "works of art" at the end of this episode, and their placement in the park in this scene, and later, Cas and Dean's placement in the park at the end of the episode—is a nod to the comfort that Cas—like Dean—receives from knowing these humans are alive because Dean refused to leave—whether they lost the seal or not! So Cas isn't going to be budged on this. Uriel is suggesting they disobey in a way that Cas wouldn't choose even if he was willing to consider disobedience to heaven at this point (which he isn't—he won't start considering disobeying until 4.16).

There's a fascinating deleted scene (deleted scene 2 here) in 4.10 where Uriel again vents his frustrations with heaven's bizarre orders to Cas. Once again, things haven't gone their way, and Uriel thinks Sam is responsible for part of it. But Cas says the order's come down from heaven that they aren't allowed to touch Sam—and then Uriel says he'll kill Ruby at least—only for Cas to say they aren't allowed to harm her either. Uriel is furious, and again Cas proves to be a very dangerous person to confide in:

URIEL You're joking! CASTIEL I don't joke. URIEL You mean we can't hunt a demon?! What's going on up there?! CASTIEL Clearly, they feel she has a part to play. URIEL It's crap. It's crap! And, you-- Forget about it! CASTIEL You are proposing disobedience. Like Anna. You know what I'll have to do.

Why is heaven defending demons? Why is heaven leaving the choice on how to handle breaking seals in the hand of a defiant human with no sense of the big picture? Uriel enjoyed getting a chance to wail on Dean in 4.10. He said he'd enjoy it—partly because of Dean's defiant attitude, but I also I think because Dean represents that first broken seal—he represents humanity's weakness (Uriel hates Dean for breaking—we know this from the end of 4.07 when he tells Sam he can knock Dean down a peg by asking him about Hell). He is no righteous man—Uriel doesn't believe in him for an instant. Heaven's orders are cryptic and confusing which already gives Uriel doubts in heaven's competence... but even worse, Dean's defiance reinforces that Heaven is the losing side here. They aren't going to stop the seals from breaking—not if this is their righteous man... someone who can't even follow orders—the one thing Heaven demands above all. If Uriel showed a fourth of the defiance Dean did, he'd be killed on the spot, but this human gets to mouth off to Uriel and there are no consequences.

So sometime between 4.10 and 4.16, Uriel begins disobeying. Uriel hates Dean—that's been made clear many times. But in 4.16, suddenly, Uriel responds to Dean's defiance toward heaven's orders with a laugh instead of threats and anger. He says,

Ah, this one just won't quit, will he? I think I'm starting to like you, boy.

Why the turn around on his feelings about Dean? Because between 4.10 and 4.16, Uriel started acting on his doubts and encouraging other angels to join him in disobedience. He started working to free Lucifer... so now, when he looks at Dean's defiance, he feels a kinship—he allows himself to feel recognition of his own resentment toward heaven—his own defiance of heaven's senseless orders. That certainly doesn't mean he likes Dean now (he's still plotting to kill him—now for the purposes of freeing Lucifer) but the defiance that infuriated him before is now... validating.

URIEL Not murders, Castiel. No. My work is conversion. How long have we waited here? How long have we played this game by rules that make no sense? CASTIEL It is our father's world, Uriel. URIEL Our father? He stopped being that, if he ever was, the moment he created them. Humanity, his favorites. This whining, puking larva.

Uriel hates humans, and he remembers Lucifer as someone who stood up to heaven.

URIEL You do remember him? How strong he was? How beautiful? And he didn't bow to humanity. He was punished for defending us. Now, if you want to believe in something, Cas, believe in him.

Uriel didn't really want to kill the other angels? He doesn't want to kill Cas in 4.16 either. He killed the angels who wouldn't join him because if he didn't, they'd reveal his disobedience and he'd be killed.

So through Anna, and Cas, and Uriel—we see the impact of heaven's senseless orders and brainwashing—the effects of the cult-like environment they're in and how each one doubts, and then eventually rebels. Anna rebels first, then Uriel... and next will be Cas. And what's interesting, is that in 4.16, Cas straight up tells Anna that he's considering disobedience, and then begs her to tell him what to do. I mentioned before that a part of Cas (in season 4) finds comfort in choices being out of his hands when he has doubts. Anna tells him to think for himself. But then right after that, Uriel asks Cas to join him... and Cas won't even consider it. So why? Cas is terrified to fall, but he's starting to think maybe he has to, and then Uriel gave him an opportunity and he said "no"—and he said no because, just like we saw in 4.07, Cas is in love with humanity. He could never align himself with Uriel and Lucifer, because they hate the humans Cas loves. In season 4, Cas's understanding of his love for humanity is primitive—he associates it with his love for god, as if he loves humanity only because they're his father's creations. He reiterates this sort of framing when Uriel is pummeling him in 4.16.

CASTIEL You can't win, Uriel. I still serve God. URIEL You haven't even met the man. There is no will. No wrath. No God.

Uriel is right about god—but then Anna steps up behind him and stabs him through the throat—and says:

ANNA Maybe. Or maybe not. But there's still me.

Anna, the angel who fell to earth and became human—tells us "there is still me". Anna—who, like Cas, is in love with humanity. There is no god, but there are still angels in love with humanity.

#what are thursdays for if not a barely coherent rambling post about uriel #in love with humanity #uriel #anna #heaven as a cult #4.07 #4.16 #4.10 #pk rewatches spn number ?#time to think for yourself #are you prepared to disobey #castiels motivations

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