#also my projection might be a little evident lol

[mycenalucentipes]

You Won't Understand || Draco Malfoy x GN!Reader

Summary: Where, you stumble upon Draco mid breakdown in a secluded part of the library. Draco hisses for you to go away, believing that you’ll never understand his problems. You scoff, saying, “try me”, thus starts a newfound companion. 

Word count: ~2.5k

Warnings: Swearing, angst, some comfort towards the end?

a/n: Hi, I just wanted to write a fic in where, the reader also struggles with not being good enough, and finally, maybe, someone will understand what they’re going through. I might’ve self projected all of my worries and trauma from my high school days lol. There's a longer explanation for that at the end if anyone wants to read xD

But anyways, please enjoy

A deep sigh escaped your lips as you made your way to the library. It was lunchtime, and you were supposed to be in the Great Hall with your friends. However, earlier that day, you received a Howler from your mother. 

“Y/N L/N. YOU HAVE BEEN SLACKING OFF IN YOUR STUDIES AGAIN HAVEN’T YOU!? YOU ONLY RECEIVED AN EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS ON YOUR LAST EXAM. HOW COULD YOU!? DON’T EXPECT TO COME HOME WITH THOSE GRADES. IF YOU RECEIVE ANYTHING LESS THAN AN OUTSTANDING ON THE REST OF YOUR EXAMS, DON’T EVEN BOTHER COMING HOME.”

Thankfully you were in the privacy of your dorm room when you received this. Everyone had already left for the day. Your mother, a proud Ravenclaw, was deeply ashamed that you were sorted into the Slytherin house instead of hers. So to compensate, she relentlessly tortured you to always achieve the highest marks possible. After graduating Hogwarts, she attended the University of Oxford and ended up working for a different prestigious university as a researcher in neurology. 

Your father on the other hand was not a wizard. He was a muggle that your mother had fallen in love with while she attended regular university. He was also a neurologist, a man of science. He despised the magic part of you. It was a rude awakening when you got your letter from Hogwarts and your mother had to explain everything about her world. She fought him hard and long to send you to Hogwarts, so you couldn’t completely despise her. However, since they both wanted the best of their worlds for you, their expectations were too high in the sky for a mere sixteen-year old. Your father wanted you to attend the most prestigious university for med school while your mother just wanted you to be the top of your class. She figured you could become a healer at St. Mungo's or gain a high position in the Ministry of Magi. (She might be trying to live vicariously through you, as she gave up any jobs involving magic.)

As a result, you weren’t sure what you wanted anymore. For now, since you and your father weren’t exactly on speaking terms, your mother was the only one who even seemed to care. Thus, you focused all of your attention on your studies within the past month. Often skipping meals or falling asleep during them. Your friends began noticing the toll it took on you–your face grew paler and more tired, your hands shook, and dark circles formed under your eyes from countless all-nighters. Needless to say, you were incredibly freaked out for your next exam.

 If you didn’t receive an Outstanding, you would not have anywhere to go for the summer. Maybe you could spend it with the Weasleys? You managed to befriend Ginny, Fred, and George. Ron was a little harder to get him to come around, just because you were a Slytherin. 

On your way to the library, you nearly ran head first into Ginny. Oh, how coincidental. Before you even had a chance to apologise, she started rambling. 

“Oh hey, Y/n! I was just looking for you, I haven’t seen you at any meals today,” She said with worry evident on her face, “Are you alright? Please, come back to  lunch with me. I miss you, Y/n. We're all worried about you.” You cast her a guilt-ridden look. 

“I’m just heading to the library. I need to perfect my knowledge for the next exam,” You sighed defeatedly with a small chuckle. 

“But, Y/n–” Ginny began, concern lacing her voice. This time, you wore an apologetic expression. 

“I’m sorry Ginny, I just can’t. I–uhm, can I ask a favour from you though?” Avoiding eye contact out of shame, you looked away, unable to hold her gaze any longer.

“Of course Y/n, anything.” Ginny reached out and rubbed your arm in an attempt to comfort you.

You let out a heavy sigh. “Could I possibly stay at your place over the summer?” You hung your head down, eyes filled with unshed tears. You couldn’t bring yourself to meet Ginny’s gaze. “My mother owled me to say: If you don’t get O’s on the rest of your exams, don’t even think about coming home, child!” Ginny gasped softly, eyes widening at the words that stammered out of your mouth. 

“Oh, Y/n, of course you can stay with us. I'm sure you'll be alright, but you're always welcome to stay with us,” She replied, her voice brimming with sympathy. You gave a short nod of thanks, unable to speak or your tears would escape your eyes. “I suppose I’ll see you later then? Please, come to dinner at least.” You once again nodded, giving her a small smile. She smiled back as well, then turned and left you once again. 

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. The exhaustion and tiredness from it all was creeping in, eating away at you slowly. 

You were so tired. When would it get better? When would it end?

As you entered the library, your eyes scanned the endless rows of books, searching for a quiet place to study. That’s when you noticed a figure hunch in a cushioned chair by a window, their shoulders shaking and trembling.

It was Draco Malfoy. A boy that you weren’t really on any terms with. Occasional waves from you and small nods from him were the extent of your communication. 

Forgetting about your own woes for a moment, you cautiously approached him, uncertain if he would react kindly to your presence. Once you were about five feet away from him, his head snapped up. Then you saw his face. Tears pooled out of his eyes every few seconds, his lips trembled, then his brows narrowed. 

“What are you doing here?” Draco spat out, his voice a little hoarse. 

You hesitated for a moment, taking in the situation you just landed yourself in. Despite the venomous sounding tone, you could detect that he really hadn’t meant it that way. Ignoring his question, you stepped closer, concern etched on your own features.

“Are you alright?” You asked softly, your voice filled with genuine worry, “I–Is there anything I can do?”

Draco averted his gaze, trying to hide the pain and tears in his eyes. “It’s nothing. Just go away, please. You wouldn’t understand,” he muttered, his voice laced with frustration. You narrowed your eyes at this. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t? Why, because I’m not a pureblood? Because I 'don’t have any expectations placed onto me'? Hmm?” You retorted back, unsure why you spat back such a defensive response. He looked slightly taken aback at your words. 

“Yes, precisely. Wow, you're so smart,” his voice dripping with sarcasm, he rolled his eyes, then slumped back in the chair.

You folded your arms. “Try me, then. I won’t tell anyone, I swear it," you challenged him, not budging.  

He narrowed his eyes at you once again, unsure if he should open up. After a moment of internal struggle, he sighed with defeat. “If you really must know, There’s just–just so many expectations weighing on me. If I’m not good enough, it will be a disaster for my parents and me. I don’t want to risk anything, and the pressure is so... suffocating. I feel like I’m losing my mind,” he reluctantly started, but soon couldn’t stop, he didn’t know why he was sharing all of this with some random classmate.

“I’m not good enough for him. I don’t even feel that I’m good enough for my parents. My father always says: Malfoys do this, Malfoys don’t do that. Then my mother is already trying to arrange a marriage for me. I wish everyone’s expectations of me would just disappear.”

“But how would you ever understand that type of pressure?” He sighed in frustration as you just nodded along. muttered quietly, but you still heard him.

You didn't know who 'he' was, but you sure as fuck knew about pressure from parents.

“Sorry to interrupt your little pity party, Malfoy,” you sighed, meeting his glare with a calm gaze. “But let me tell you, I do understand the feelings of pressure and not being good enough for someone. I’m going to get kicked out of my home by my mother if I don’t get Outstandings on every single last assignment. She's dead serious about that. My father and I aren’t on speaking terms because he thinks being magical is stupid. He wants me to attend muggle medicine university. My mother shames me everyday for being in Slytherin and not her perfect little Ravenclaw house. They both expect me to do what they want without giving me a choice. If I’m not their perfect little daughter, I’ll just get shunned and kicked out. Disowned. I'm just their disappointment,” you rambled out, “but I suppose this little talk shouldn’t be about me. Sorry, didn't mean to spin it like that. Just forget it.” 

Maybe your family's reputation wasn't as important as the Malfoys, but nonetheless, you were sure you would become disowned by them. They had set unrealistic expectations out of you. Your mental health was rapidly declining, if it hadn’t already hit rock bottom, your feelings were valid and you won’t let anyone tell you otherwise. However, your parents didn’t seem to care about your feelings. 

"I definitely know how it feels. Like someone is drowning or suffocating you. There's no breaks. And it's all ridiculous because we are just teenagers. So what the fuck, life?" You angrily whisper out.

Draco stared at you, momentarily speechless. “I… I had no idea,” he murmured out, “it seems you are capable of understanding this more than I thought.” You mirrored the speechlessness, unsure if you should be insulted or relieved by his admission. He looked away from you, staring out the window for a brief moment. 

“It’s alright, Draco. No one really notices anyways,” you laugh awkwardly, trying to brush your feelings away again. Even though you pushed for Draco to share his feelings, you felt like a burden doing the same thing. 

You went to approach him, stepping into the rays of sunlight that beamed in from the windows. It wasn’t until now that Draco took in your full appearance. He never paid you much mind, as you weren’t a pureblood or in his friend group, but friends with the Weasleys. You truly were a beauty. You had godly features that rivalled any of the most attractive students. Your hair cascaded softly around your face, accentuating your facial features. It was also then, he realised just how malnourished and exhausted you were looking. The sunken eyes, pale face, bloodshot eyes and slightly trembling form. He was sure a gust of wind would knock you over. 

“You look like shit, L/n.” Draco said flatly, instantly realising the bluntness of his comment. Your eyes widened at his comment.

 “I–I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.” He apologised? Who was this imposter and what did he do with Draco Malfoy? 

“Gee, thanks. It’s nothing I can’t handle though.” You rolled your eyes, a small laugh escaped your lips. Attempting to brush his concern off and divert the attention away from yourself, you shot back, “Have you seen yourself though? I could say the same.” Draco just shook his head with amusement on his face.

“Yeah, yeah. But, it’s clearly not ‘nothing’. A gust of wind could knock you over,” he retorted back, though his gaze softened. You scoffed at him. He couldn’t explain why he suddenly cared, why he wanted to reach out to you. Maybe it was because you made him feel calmer? The gentle aura you carried around when others were there was relaxing and a good change of pace. Maybe it was the fact that you also shared the same feelings of struggle as him. Not being accepted or feeling good enough for everyone. You tried to help him (in your own challenging way), now he wanted to help you, at least just a little. 

You hummed a little, shying away a little for the first time. “Well, perhaps we could both use a break from trying to meet everyone’s expectations. Maybe we can help each other out,” you suggest, “though I don’t know how to help out with the whole pureblood traditions thing, I’ll be around for you if you need some support. Or just a friend to hangout with or vent to.” Draco nodded along with your plan, not feeling too opposed to this.

“And I can help you with your studies,” he offered with a soft tone. You nodded as well, giving a genuine smile this time. 

+==+==+

Over the next few weeks, you and Draco spent more and more time together. Sometimes it would be hardcore study sessions. Where it felt like the questions he quizzed you on were never ending. Other times, it would be ranting about everything and nothing. It helped both of you get some weight off your chests. A couple times, you took trips to Hogsmeade to chat over a butterbeer or three. 

You could say it was a friendship. You weren’t sure how he felt, but you could feel yourself falling for the Slytherin boy. Though you knew it might not end well, with him being a ‘pureblood’ and all. Such bullshit that is. You often told him that was your opinion on the pureblood traditions, he would just chuckle, sadness laced in it occasionally. 

“Y/n, how do you feel about your grades?” Draco asked casually as you both walked down an empty hallway. Your face paled and your body froze in your steps. The feeling always haunted you, no matter how much you talked it over, it would still haunt you. Draco came to a halt and turned towards you, voice laced with genuine worry, “Y/n?” He could see the inner turmoil your brain shoved you into, and it pained him more than it should have to see you like this. 

You tried to shake yourself out of anxiety’s grip. “I’m not too sure to be honest. I’m waiting on three exams and two homework grades still…,” you trailed off, drowning in your worries again. 

“Hey, hey, you’ll be ok, alright?” He said with a much softer tone while placing his hands on your arms. Over the weeks, you both became immaculate at reading each other’s signs of worry or anxiety, knowing exactly what to do. 

“You don’t know that, Draco,” you sighed, “although, maybe staying with the Weasleys would be better for my mental health anyways.” At this thought, you felt a little more relieved, but no matter how much you tried not to care, these feelings would forever haunt you.

“A–anyways, how about you? How’s your whole… family thing?” You asked, deflecting any more concern that came your way.

“It’s uh… still not great. Mother called off any preset engagements, however she still wants me to at least try going on the dates.” He grumbled. It was a little progress. You encouraged him to express his feelings with his mother, maybe it would change her mind. You knew it was a long shot to be able to change the traditions of hundreds of years, but why not try now? 

“Oh! Well, I suppose that’s… a little good then?” You tilted your head a little, becoming lost in thoughts again. You wondered if her mind would ever change enough to let you potentially date Draco. No, you haven’t confessed anything to Draco, but your feelings weren’t dying. 

Draco scrunched his nose and gave a slight nod. “Yes, I suppose so. Maybe, someday, she’ll let me date whoever I want, without worrying about blood status…” Your eyes widened, a blush spreading across your cheeks and to your ears. 

“That would be nice, wouldn’t it?” You stammered out. You didn’t want to get your hopes up, but you could’ve sworn that was implying he wanted to date you. Little did you know, you were correct. Maybe someday it would work out, but for now, both of you were content with your ever growing friendship. Though, can you really call this a friendship? You were sure it dug deeper than just that. 

looong a/n: So, I might’ve self projected all of my worries and trauma from my highschool days. I went to a public hs, but good god, the standards were high. Anything less than an A was a failure. I had friends crying over 94%’s… I had a couple friends that would get locked out of their houses for the day if they brought home C’s. I, myself, never felt smart enough either. My friends always scored higher than me.

I maintained a solid 3.8 GPA, but it just wasn’t as high as my friends’ with their 3.9’s and 4.0’s :’). So I spent my whole grade school career, never feeling smart enough. I cried myself to sleep most nights from the stress of it all. My parents would get onto me and had really high expectations for me as well. It took my dad forever to realise I'm going to sometimes get C's because some subjects just don't click and I crumble under pressure. No matter how hard I study, I cannot always get A's. That should be okay, but my parents....hhhhh. It’s taken me a little bit of time to start undoing the feeling that if I don't get A’s, I’m a failure.

Though, I’m finally realising that grades aren’t everything in life, and it’s ok. I’ll still aim for the top, but I’m not sacrificing my mental health for it again. (I still have a 3.8GPA at uni, but now I’m studying smarter ;) and uni has been slightly easier than high school, wtf.) I’m not trying to sound stuck up or snobby, I promise and I apologise. That was just the school mindset I was raised in. In which, I’m trying to undo some of those more painful mindsets. 

I’m trying to learn that my efforts are enough. I’m putting my best work in while not sacrificing my sanity this time. I’m enough, you’re enough, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Thanks for reading if you did!

#draco malfoy x reader #draco x reader #nicosnwrites #draco malfoy #draco malfoy x slytherin!reader #draco malfoy x gn! reader #your mental health matters so don't let anyone tell you otherwise #malfoy x reader

[awakentheeldritchabomination]

The Thing About Redesigns, Rewrites, and Reimagines…

(Part I: Broader Discourse)

To those of you who’ve been keeping tabs or maybe seen my posts floating around the tag, you might recall me mentioning that I felt a bit of hesitancy toward the prospect of joining in on the recent wave of redesign/rewrite content. In the more likely scenario that you haven’t or do not know what the crap I’m talking about, that’s fine lol. Understandable. It was a little thing I had written into my first rewrite/redesign post about Charlie. In a short aside, I explained that it was because I’d felt “bad about tinkering with someone else’s work like this”, and then I’d left it at that. So… yeah. Why am I bringing it up now?

Well, I don’t think I need to tell you that this fandom is… a lot. Y’know people have been talking…discourse is being had… heated, moral arguments are being hurled left and right. And in light of all the growing, reactionary accusations, I…found myself starting to feel bad again.

My initial issue, the reason why I didn’t immediately jump to sharing my ideas was that, for all her faults, I empathize with Viv as a creator and didn’t want to feel like I was disrespecting her, her characters, and her vision by reworking it to suit my own. I had frustrations and criticisms, but I never wanted to make it seem like I was trying to ‘fix’ her work or her style. I really didn’t want to be one of those pretentious dipsh*ts (the kind that take a piece of art, digest it through their own preferences and biases, then spit it back in the artist’s face with a, “There. I made it better”). In the end, I went through with it because I had a small hyperfixation and a tendency to project my own issues onto characters I love (I’m sure some of y'all can relate). And also, I was having fun. But… then more discourse poured in, and I saw all the concerns I expressed reflected in the arguments presented by other fans and artists.

And well… That made me feel like I was doing something wrong, like perpetuating and becoming the exact problems I had wanted to fight against. So, I took a step back. I reevaluated.

Now, I have thoughts (shocker!).

And they are conflicted.

On one hand I agree with the idea that redesigns/rewrites are not inherently bad or disrespectful things when it comes to productions like Hazbin since Viv is not a small creator with no power. She and her team have ultimate authority over the show’s events, and those plans will not be derailed by what is basically some random tumblr artist’s fanart/fanfiction.

In regards to the critical side of things, that kinda comes with consuming and digesting the messages and presentation of a work of art. Ideally, it should get people to discuss in this capacity, especially when it deals with such sensitive subject matter as Hazbin does (and especially when it is executed with evidently problematic notions which do bleed into the designs at times).

Still, I do think this trend can be disrespectful if the intention and presentation are made with an aggressive holier-than-thou attitude which explicitly seeks to one-up the creator. Though I understand where it comes from, I think that can be just straight, undiluted maliciousness with a generous helping of pretentious, self-appointed superiority. And I don’t think it’s necessary to pick apart the style itself. You don’t have to like it, of course, but I feel like stating your preference for one way of drawing over another and asserting it as if it were some objective truth antagonizes the entire point of individual artistic expression and personal taste. Criticize the lack of diversity (something which, I’d like to add, is not actually unique to Hazbin) and potentially problematic aspects, but not the style. Even then, it’s important to be constructive not destructive.

That being said, I don’t expect everyone to agree with me (especially if anyone who’s a die-hard fan finds this) Whether you do or not is on you, and that’s okay.

This is more a snippet of my thoughts than a fully developed rant. I just wanted to share where I’m at right now. There will be a part 2 to this expanding some of my feelings while also outlining where I might go from here because things are going on in my head, and I don’t actually know whether I will continue or not with this project. Right now, it feels like it’s drifting toward a more original direction (Charlie feels like an entirely different yet vaguely similar character and dang it I’m attached…It’s kinda weird lol) so….anyway—I digress.

Thank you for reading.

#hazbin hotel critical #hazbin hotel criticism #hazbin hotel redesign #hazbin hotel rewrite #hazbin rewrite

[pixelatedraindrops]

Why Yuma Kokohead is my main whump candidate🌡️ An Analysis:

(contains raincode spoilers)

So, some of you people are probably asking yourself; Why do I keep making these sickly edits of Yuma?

Okay. Allow me to present my evidence and reasoning behind this weird little obsession of mine in 3 parts. (prepare for a small essay with some spoilers)

First off; I've noticed that Yuma always holds his head like this whenever he's distressed.

I know its probably just a nod to his memory loss, but he does it

EVERY

SINGLE

TIME

Through the whole game.

Like his model is just programed to do it whenever he makes these two expressions in the sprite art.

He always looks so pale and tired... sick even.

Which is why I edited these sprites first

The model of him that’s used in an Ace Attorney fan made crossover project does this exact same gesture too.

Only he actually looks like he's in even MORE pain here.

source

And Reminder; he canonically felt sick in the first chapter of the game. Idc what the reason was, the point is it happened.

All of this might confirm that he has potential to be frail of health or may suffer from specified ailments easily.

Also... DO YOU HEAR THIS LABORED BREATHING???

Like hello? BE FR RIGHT NOW??

In the JP dub, he speaks under somewhat heavy sounding breaths when he's going through this ordeal of trying to open the door to the Infirmary (as he should) It shows how exhausted he feels or how dizzy he is just wanting, BEGGING to lay down and make the world stop spinning.

(sorry for the poor quality video lol)

This was all that was going through my mind when I first played this part of the chapter. And I nearly lost it. He was officially on my list

This part of Chapter 0 was more than enough to convince me he had the potential.

SPOILER TERRITORY⚠️

Second: Yuma usually doesn't mind admitting when he is weak or vulnerable.

Such as when he tells Fubuki that he feels like he's in pain and going to pass out after Shinigami punched him in the Ch3 ML, or telling Vivia how scared he was when he was threatening to kill him during the Ch4 Investigation, or admitting his fear and hesitation to Shinigami in Chapter 5's deserted factory. Anytime that he admits his feelings if someone asks him rather than trying to act tough. Instead of playing dumb, he admits when he feels a negative way. He's completely honest about it.

THAT IS SOME GOOD SHIT 👀

This is really good fodder for a scenario where he just confesses that he's not feeling well. Or that he's about to be sick. Or if he's in pain or injured. Or if he's having a mental breakdown. He won't shy away from it. He'll say it.

(though I did kinda make him play dumb in my own fic lol I cannot deny that there are times he also wants to be strong and/or not be a burden to others)

Third: Yuma's size. HIS TINY SIZE??? COME ON?? He may as well be a CHILD.

I know vivia is a freaking giant but STILL LOOK HOW SMALL HE IS

He is so baby despite his age being completely unknown. He could be a teenager or he could be an adult over 20. Nobody knows.

Point is regardless of that, you can see him is any kind of vulnerable situation with no doubt or worry of it being OOC. You can see him crying if he's hurting. You can see him whining about making the pain go away. You can see him wanting comfort if he has a nightmare. You can see him having a panic attack reaching out to a caretaker for support.

He can be carried or lifted up by anyone taller than him and probably be light as a feather. Seeing him cling to them like a sick or hurt kid would.

He could sit or lay on their lap. He could lean on them as they help him walk if he's hurt, or as they help him eat or drink if he's too weak to do so himself.

And he probably couldn't stop someone from forcing him down to rest if he tried due to his physical stature being unfit for combat. (or anything)

Regardless, it would ALL FIT.

Like taking care of a child.

~

Now with those 3 points out of the way, I ask you all:

How can this character NOT be easy whump bait? Don’t underestimate my imagination as a sickfic enthusiast.

HE IS LITERALLY SO WHUMPEE SHAPED AND CODED WITH THIS INFORMATION

He's a perfect victim for specifically any sort of head issue:

Be it a headache, a head injury, migraine, or what I usually continue to give to him in my edits.

A High Fever.

plus, coupled with the RAIN 24/7 SETTING?

In THIS type of scenario??

AS I KEEP SAYING; IT'S WAY TOO DAMN EASY

THIS GAME PRACTICALLY SPOON FEEDS ME ALL THIS BAIT

he's got the major potential to be the biggest sickly wet cat ever

and I love him so much for that

he's so dizzyboy coded that I want to make him SICK AS A PUPPY

Which is why I do it so much.

40 degrees? Call a freaking doctor aaaa

I'll mostly go with a high fever because they're my favorite thing in the sick whump category and easy to edit, but at the same time, he could be suffering with any sort of issue and it would seem accurate, likely or canon, so long as it involves his head.

Such as a splitting headache, immense dizziness, flash blurred vision, or even a nausea induced migraine. (heck, even all of the above, go crazy)

You may ask yourself, why?

Easy: For caretaking fluff purposes.

That's mostly why sickfics exist.

The potential fluff of him getting taken care of by the NDA (found family) Shinigami (chaotic mascot partner/sibling) Kurumi (platonic or romantic) or heck maybe even Makoto (sibling dynamic or possible ‘self-care’)

Just the thought and image of him getting taken care of in general puts a smile on my face. Its a HUGE comfort for me 💜

The potential for the found family, shipping, or sibling moments he can produce from being in this state is astronomical. And you don't see that in characters very often. He is a very rare specimen. He is Number 1 after all.

Checks literally all of my boxes on why I love illness whump and sickfics so much. He is perfect.

Sometimes sacrifices must be made to forge deeper connections. And these kinds of scenarios almost NEVER fail to be 1 of three things: tooth-rottingly wholesome, heartbreakingly angsty, or chaotically comedic. It depends on your preference. (They're mostly wholesome and sweet though.)

~

fr though.

once you find your prime whumpee you never go back

and now I know how it feels ;w; the bliss makes me feel as though I am now complete in a place where something was missing.

~

Thank you Kodaka for this adorable smol anxious purple trainee who’s actually the top dog 💜

I love him dearly🥰

Some of you may just want to see Yuma as a cool smart, competent, and badass protagonist and that's great! I completely agree! That he is.

But to me personally? He's also a soft, delicate, anxiety filled, adorable lil' wet cat who needs constant TLC, love and/or support 💊 Physically and/or mentally.

Get a character that can do both lol

That is all.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

I love this little guy so much! He means everything to me.💜 He’s just a little guy. My babygirl, my little scrunkly, my lil' blorbo, my little meow meow…

No matter how you see it;

Yuma Kokohead is a blessing✨

#whumpcode #master detective archives: rain code #rain code #yuma kokohead #long post #character analysis #not me explaining once again why he’s my prime whumpee #and honestly a really solid whumpee in general #he’s tiny frail anxious self concious and physically weak #LITERALLY WHUMPEE SHAPED AND CODED #AND I HAVE EVIDENCE #I’m honestly surprised more whump blogs haven’t targeted him yet #illness #whump #whump posting #illness whump #fever #my edits #fever edit #male whump #whumpee #whump community #canon whump #whumpblr #individuals holding their heads from pain or dizziniess is one of my favorite things ever #and the fact this boy does it CONSTANTLY as part of his CHARACTER?? #instant fave and instant target holy shit #he’s a frail baby wet cat and he needs all hugs in the world #a perfect set up for fluffy moments between him and many various potential caretakers #I love him so much even though I torment him constantly lol

[chelseeebe]

angel. | part 2 to two time.

summary: you and steve have been in this situationship for too long now. is it worth ruining what you've got for the sake of an official relationship? read two time (part one). oh my actual fuck, i normally despise reading back anything i've written but i can't stop re-reading this. it's a part two to two time but really could be read on it's own :) i also imagined readers room as my first year uni halls and i know it's different in america but it just would not work lol

fratboy!steve makes me crazy, idk what it is

your head is leaning in your hand, ever so slowly your eyes droop and it becomes too heavy to hold up.

‘hey! don’t you fall asleep on me now,’ steve bangs his palm on the table, jolting you awake.

‘steveee.. it’s..,’ you tap your phone screen, ‘three am! please can we just finish in the morning, i’m so tired,’ you pout, you were helping him finish his project. which, by the way, he had only started at six the night before. it was due at eleven the next morning.

‘do you want me to fail? i’ll have to move back home and then you’ll never ever see me again,’ he crosses his arms and tilts his head, just like a little puppy dog.

‘maybe you should’ve started earlier instead of partying so much, hmm?’ you imitate him, crossing your arms across your chest and tilting your head in the opposite direction.

‘well if someone wasn’t so obsessed with me, always begging me to hang out, then maybe i would’ve started earlier,’ he shrugs. lying through his teeth, he could’ve had a year to get this done and he still would’ve been sat here hours before the deadline.

‘hey, i would never beg you, i’m better than that,’ you wink at him. his golden eyes creasing into a smile, all you had to do was call and he was already halfway to your dorm. hell, he virtually lived there.

‘how much have you got left?’ you lean over and glance at his papers, to be absolutely fair to the boy, he was a pro at cramming.

‘i still need to finish the conclusion and sort out my references, but i need you to help me with that,’ try as he might, he had still never figured out how to academically reference his sources. meaning the task always fell on you.

‘okay.. so if i set an alarm for.. say seven, that gives you enough time to finish your conclusion and me enough time to do all your referencing, sound good?’ you pout again, this time extending your bottom lip out further. you knew that’d convince him.

he sighs but his smile is evident, ‘fine, but i’m setting the alarm, i know what you’re like,’ he stands up gathering the collection of papers spread across the desk and places them inside his bag.

‘yay!’ you stand up, grabbing your bag from the floor.

‘if i fail, you will pay,’ he saunters up behind you.

‘oooh no i’m sooo scared, whatever will i do!’ you sarcastically quip back with a giggle.

‘right, i’ve had enough of your lip,’ and with that he grabs your waist, lifting your body up and over his shoulder, smacking your ass rather hard.

you respond with a shriek, the other students late-night studying roll their eyes. you’d both been distracting them all night, relieved that you were finally leaving.

he carries you in this position all the way back to your room across campus. dropping you onto your bed with a suspicious sounding crack.

‘you fucking idiot, you broke my bed!’ you roll off of said bed and strip down to your underwear, reaching for one of steve’s extra large t-shirts.

‘well, we both knew that was gonna happen one day, honestly surprised it’s not happened sooner,’ he chuckles, peeling off his sweater.

the sight still made you bite your lip, he was seriously sexy and you’d never get over it.

‘and technically, it was your body that broke the bed, i just put you down,’ he holds his hands up in innocence.

‘threw me down, but okay babe,’ you climb into the bed, moving over to leave space for him. he follows you, pulling the duvet over you both.

you roll over onto your front, slinging your leg over his as his arm wraps across your back.

‘yeah, yeah.. goodnight,’ he plants a kiss to the top of your head, pulling you in closer to him.

‘alarm?’

‘shit,’ he groans, reaching for his phone, rushing to set the alarm.

‘and you didn’t trust me to do it,’ you scoff, your hand resting on his chest.

‘fuck off, go to sleep,’ he sets his phone down, finding your waist once again. you can’t help but smile at the boy.

you wake up to the blaring sound of steve’s phone alarm. your groggy groan vibrates on his chest.

‘shit, i’ve still got so much to do,’ his arms holding you tighter. you loved his morning voice, it was so gruff and husky. it honestly just reminded you of when he fucked the shit out of you on those early mornings you both had classes, his voice still deep with sleep.

‘get up now, before i fall back asleep and you won’t be able to move,’ you move your leg off of him, he shudders slightly as your thigh brushes over his semi-erect cock.

you’d give anything to just mount him and ride his cock until you were crying out. but, you knew he genuinely could not fail this class, or he’d lose his scholarship and have to move all the way back across the country.

he kisses your lips as he gets out of the bed, your hands wrap around his neck instinctively, kissing him with pure lust, keeping him bent down over you.

‘don’t do this to me,’ he mumbles, internally deciding if fucking you into the mattress right this moment was worth the fail.

you let go, a smirk plastered across your face, ‘sorry, go and finish and i’ll be here.’

he collapses into your desk chair with a sigh, pulling the papers out of his bag and spreading them across your already messy desk.

not only did he have to finish this project, he now had to do it a raging boner and with you lying there in his shirt, only 2 feet away.

‘you bitch, i thought you were menna help me?’ you were already dropping back off to sleep.

‘oh, i am, just give me five minutes and i’ll be there..’ you mumble, sleep already preoccupying your mind.

he lets you sleep, god knows he'd pay for it later when you were moody and quite frankly mean to him.

he reaches for his phone, opening up snapchat and facing his phone towards your sleeping body. the blanket pulled up to your chin, messy hair framing your face.

it was one of the few times he got to see you so peaceful and quiet.

'sleeping beauty' he captions it, debating whether to post the picture and piss you off or to keep it for his own collection of candid pics of you. he settles for posting it to his private story.

it was now nine, and he was now bored of doing this on his own, watching you sleep peacefully next to him. he leans over and shakes your shoulder lightly, 'wakey wakey, time to get your ass up.'

'no,' you grumble, 'five more minutes mom,' your eyes open to peer over at him, a smile erupting on your face.

'i'm okay with daddy, but mom is just fucking weird,' he's gripping onto your hand, trying to pull you out of your duvet cave. you chuckle at his words, gripping onto the bed as to not slip out.

'i'm bored and i need your help, so get up,' he juts out his bottom lip and softens his eyes, how could you say no?

'you woke me up because you were bored? err you're such a simp,' you stand up, pulling his oversized shirt down over your thighs.

'only for you,' he grabs your waist, pulling you into his chest, 'anyway, can you do my references pleaseee,' you sit down onto his knee and glimpse at the stack of papers on your desk.

'sweet, are you all finished then?' you grab his pen and grab the scribbled list of books he'd used.

'all done, just need you to do this and then i can go and hand it in,' he presses his cheek to your back, arms wrapped around your waist. you'd probably jump off of a cliff if he asked like this.

you sit and copy out his list, just much neater and in the correct format. you'd taught him to always make you a list with the information you needed so you could rearrange it and make it presentable for him.

you finish and tuck the sheets of paper at the bottom of the pile, standing up off of his lap.

'it's half ten, get changed and run,' you walk to your en-suite, wetting your toothbrush, 'oh and sort out that disgusting morning breath.'

he follows you into the bathroom, copying your actions on his own toothbrush, he'd bought it especially for your room.

you spit the minty foam into the sink just as steve gags as he brushes back teeth, 'pussy,' replacing the toothbrush to its rightful place.

he spits, 'just because you don't gag, whore,' putting his toothbrush back right next to yours, smacking your bare ass as you exit the bathroom.

'you're gonna be late, and then you'll fail and then you'll never get to bully me again,' you smirk, holding his sweater out to him.

he takes it from your hand, pulling it over his head, 'i'm going, i'm going!' slipping on his jeans and shoving the papers into his bag.

you pout your lips, making a kissing sound.

he plants a kiss to your lips and practically sprints out of the door.

-

'steve, you need to hurry the fuck up,' you brush out your curls with your fingers, bouncing them around your shoulders.

you look into his oddly stained mirror, readjusting the white feathery wings on your back.

'i'm ready.. i was just admiring how fucking good you look,' you spin around to face him, a shy smile creeps to your face. he's complimented you countless times but it still made you blush every single time.

'well thank you darling,' you siddle over to his position on the edge of bed, resting your hands on his shoulders, he places his hands on your hips and looks up.

you could hear the party already thumping downstairs, steve had so very kindly offered to host your birthday party at his frat house. you were hesitant and first, knowing exactly how they usually ended up.

you had practically forced him to wear the corresponding devil costume to your angel outfit.

'it'll be so cute, and it's so accurate,' you pleaded, picking up the red horns. you could've convinced him to wear anything in that white mini skirt, soft thighs adorned with white fishnets.

'mmm,' his hands slide down to your half-exposed behind, tongue peaking out the side of his lips.

'they'll be waiting for us,' squeezing his shoulders.

'i know.. before we go, i've been thinking..' his fingers pressing into your rear.

'oh no, that's never a good thing,' your hands run through the back of his hair, not wanting to mess it up too much.

'shut up, no- i was thinking about you actually,' he smiles at the thought.

'right.. go on,' he was either about to ruin the incredible thing you had going on or was about to gain a girlfriend.

'well, you basically are already but.. d'ya wanna be my girlfriend?' his grip tightens, pulling you in closer to his chest.

you beam down at him, 'jeez, i thought you'd never ask,' kissing his smile with such passion it causes his body to rock back.

'well thank fuck for that,' he murmurs into the kiss.

'y'know i'd never say no to you,' you smirk, had he genuinely believed you'd turn him down? not a chance.

'we actually do have to go now, it being my birthday n'all,' you pull away from him, grabbing his hand from your ass cheek and yanking him to the door.

'sorry, sorry, my boyfriend takes too long to get ready,' your friends squeal as you and steve approach them. the pair of you were basically already married for christ's sake, but they were still just as delighted to hear he'd officially asked you.

the party boomed on, you and steve had lost each other to your respective group of friends. the alcohol beginning to make you slightly, very tipsy.

nelly's 'hot in herre' blared out of the speaker, the music causing your hips to move all on their own, your hands tracing up your body seductively.

steve meets your eye from across the room, adjusting his position on the couch to see you better.

'i wanna take my clothes off,' you mouth over to him, biting on your bottom lip.

'fellas, i'll see you later, yeah?' he slaps his buddy on the back as he walks over to you. their gaze following him, rolling their eyes and laughing when they realised why he ran off.

he's essentially dragging you up the stairs, your feet tripping over each other on the way up.

not wanting to wait any longer to rip those filthy fishnets off of you.

#steve harrington smut #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x reader #steve stranger things #steve harrington #fratboy!steve harrington #modern!au #modern!steve harrington #steve harrington fic

[altschmerzes]

Gav I am SO sorry for the length of this ….. also I am going to send a general “how are you doing ask” because this is all Jamie stuff (very therapeutic to talk about him after the week I’ve had) so I hope that’s okay!!!

Okay. So.

Jamie in this episode? A delight. I mean, he’s always a delight but WOW, I didn’t think I could love him more. And I LOVE that he was so happy and silly and having fun and I don’t want my take to take away from that (because I have been in the state I think he was in many times before).

I don’t know if this was intentional from Phil, but I think Jamie was manic in this episode — specifically trauma induced mania. I think that Amsterdam, understandably, was a HUGE trigger for him.

In that heartbreaking scene where Jamie shares something very difficult with Roy, he says “even though my dad weren’t there, it was like he was still with us, y’know?”

Cut to:

Jamie mimicking his dad’s mannerisms from his very first scene (the play punches, the frenetic energy)

Jamie reverting to being a prick for all of two seconds (the tie your laces comment was probably something he heard from his father) to see how far he could push Roy before Roy snapped at him

Running Roy ragged across the streets of Amsterdam the entire episode lol

This sent me spiralling a little because there is SO much evidence to show that Jamie was in trauma / manic in this episode, and how those mannerisms relate to that.

Cut to:

Nonstop movement, running, round offs, bouncing up and down on the spot

Lack of attention span and impulsivity — deciding they need bikes and running off to find them using his street smarts (again, likely mimicking what he has seen his father do) and also deciding that they HAVE to find a windmill. Like absolutely determined, nothing was stopping that boy lmao

Peaking in energy and then suddenly calming down once he’s taught Roy how to ride a bike

Info-dumping and non stop talking

Being confused why Roy wouldn’t want to join in on his imagined adventure “these bikes have just made tonight AMAZING!”

Now listen. Being a person with mania, you can be manic and still be …. you. I think so many of these Jamie moments are hilarious and adorable and not all down to that, but he was DEFINITELY in trauma … getting to that now:

He’s in this crazy good mood the whole night, and then he decides to share ….. the thing ….. with Roy. I think that might be his subconscious bringing up this trauma and sort of explaining the mood he’s been in, which is extremely chaotic for the entire episode until he voices it. Even if he doesn’t KNOW it’s traumatising (“she loved it”), there is something going on here. And the fact that he SUBCONSCIOUSLY, maybe even consciously I don’t know, recognised that being in Amsterdam was a trigger for him and then apologised for the way it made him behave ??????? I’m actually tearing up thinking about it I’m so fucking proud that is UNBELIEVABLE

Also. “I don’t really remember.”

I don’t think I need to explain to you how fucking heart wrenching that is but. Fuck.

This is a super jumbled and badly put mess of an ask because I am very sleep deprived but. This episode just meant so much to me because I relate to Jamie SO MUCH in this. I have genuinely had a night very similar and I am almost certainly projecting but. Yeah. To people with abuse trauma, at least for me, this was genuinely the most nuanced depiction of it that I’ve ever, EVER seen, and I don’t even know if they did it on purpose.

IM SO SORRY FOR THIS ITS NOT VERY GOOD READING IT OVER. I am definitely projecting. And also want to be clear that it isn’t JUST trauma stuff like this is also a very wholesome development in Roy and Jamie’s relationship with some very touching and hilarious moments that I’m terrified to undermine and I’m scared it’s an awful take but. Just needed to share it with you

ALLL MY LOVE AS ALWAYS <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

never apologize for long messages!!!! i love long messages i love hearing from and chatting with my pals including my pen pals.... and like yeah. yeah i have been so much thinking about all of this. like he was happy! he was really happy at a lot of points in that episode but it had a bit of a weird exaggerated energy that didn't click until that point later when he told that. frankly brutal story that like ah, okay, that all makes sense now. he was upbeat and happy and it was clear he was having a good time and like you said, it was a lovely and touching and hilarious sequence in their subplot but 'manic' is the word that kept coming to mind. like, when you've got a mix of horrifying feelings and happy feelings about something and you decide no, i'm HAPPY i'm focusing on the good part i am FINE it's FINE it's all FINE, see how happy i am? see how normal and not ruined i am??

and yeah same i feel the same way about like- regardless of whether it was done intentionally that combination of that almost manic energy and 'i don't remember' and the way he brings it up as like- you get the feeling, really, that he knows on some level that what happened to him there was deeply, profoundly not okay, but doesn't quite know how to talk about it? gave me the same feeling that some of his comments earlier to higgins and ted did like. 'i want someone to tell me this wasn't okay, but i don't know how to say it.' and yeah like. the i don't remember comment... man that hit hard. his behaviour in that whole scene hit hard.

and that line about like. even though he wasn't there he was there with us..... winded me. that line winded me. if you grow up with an angry man in your house there will always be an angry man in your house, if you are born in a burning house you think the whole world is on fire, etc etc. it's a really complex and extremely familiar portrait of abuse trauma and i really, really appreciated seeing it. even if it's reading too much into it, even if it's projecting, i really appreciated it.

and man the whole thing especially with him bringing it up and then apologizing to roy like- i'm really proud of him for that too. he's trying really, extremely hard this season and doing such a good job of Being An Adult, being responsible, being accountable, being Good. even in situations where it has to feel unbelievably scary and threatening - going to the coaches about zava and presenting his concerns to the whole room full of authority figures he admires and respects, telling roy that story and then taking the initiative to apologize, even before this season, 'if you know how to make me better, i want to hear it' - it's just like. he's giving everything he has to do better, be better. he's- gutting himself, in pursuit of Being Good, in a couple of different ways and MAN it's like. it's hard to watch but it's incredible to watch at the same time. man. there's a reason this character absolutely kills me.

#gav gab #gav answers #letters from o #it's not signed but i'm like 95% sure this is you slfkjsd tell me if it's not!! #abuse cw #rape cw #implied by the context of what we're talking abt anyway #man. just. maaaan. #long post #ted lasso spoilers #i don't care if anyone wants to get weird at me for 'reading too much into it' or 'taking it too seriously' or 'it's not that deep' or w/e #i don't care anymore. who gives a shit. i get to have my little agenda and that's fine #abuse victims/survivors get to be invested in representation of our stories

[yonpote]

Not to open a door, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. But I always saw dan as the more dominant one between the two and it’s so funny cause I know he is also babygirl, but I feel like a large part of the fandom always made him out to be a submissive bottom??! It kinda makes me wonder how that made him feel seeing all that talk back then,when in fact it might have been way different than the overall assumption. Like the stereotyping was UGLY!Cause again what indicating factors make a person a bottom? Again the discussion and speculation is not really important but they just gave us a little insight today and I would love to hear your take on it some more!

no worries, i think just to Close The Door i'll make this post and my old posts unrebloggable lol.

more under cut

i only mention this briefly in my original thing about this, but i really do think a big part of this stereotyping comes from the fact that the phandom was (and arguably still is) largely afab people whose initial views of male queerness in particular came mainly from BL and slashfic. and like, that is me literally describing myself lol.

i was about to write an entire dissertation on the history of BL and romantic fiction and its roots in misogyny but LET ME NOT..... short story is, because young fic writers were being inspired by other fic writers who were inspired by yaoi manga authors who were inspired by romantic fiction of olden times, those old tropes of an Aggressive Masculine Dominant Top and a Passive Feminine Submissive Bottom have just stayed in the fic community arguably to this day.

if we add on all the extra layers of these fics being RPF, read by fairly young teens, about dnp who were Actually Gay and in the closet and there being evidence out there of their queerness, and obv all of this taking place in the early 2010s when queerness in media was few and far between, it leads to a lot of people projecting their own ideas of dnp that were absorbed thru fiction and stereotypes onto the real dudes themselves.

in terms of sexual relationships, especially queer ones, it's almost never cut-and-dry. i know i'm joking a lot but i don't actually claim to know anything about what their sex lives are like lmao, i just like talking about this kinda thing because it's just interesting how these tropes that i'd like to think people nowadays realize can be quite harmful stereotypes are still kinda perpetuated until dan calls phil a power bottom outright lol.

#ASsk #dear god i hope any of this makes sense im sorry im like this #myrambles

[vermin-disciple]

Written for the @trektober-challenge Day 6 prompt, “BDSM Themes.” Actually, I originally started writing this for the Trektober 2021 prompt, “Restraints” - only took me two years to finally get around to finishing it!

Julian Bashir (secret agent) was currently chained to a wall in a dungeon ominously decorated with the skeletons of former guests of the maniacal Baron Rockoff. He wasn’t overly perturbed by this; things usually started to look bleak by the end of Act II of these programs, and since there weren’t any obvious means of escape (the chains felt quite solid, and Mona had not equipped today’s ensemble with a handy lockpick), he assumed that one of the Baron’s beautiful assistants (well-endowed in the chest department, either with pert breasts or rippling muscles) would be around any minute now to betray their boss by facilitating his escape. Right on cue, part of the stone wall slid back, revealing a hitherto camouflaged passageway. And out of that stepped… “Garak!” Julian blinked, but the dim lighting was not deceiving him. Garak strolled into his cell, wearing a lab coat and a smug smile. “That’s Dr. Stroker to you, Mr. Bashir,” said Garak. “Dr. William Stroker. Though I believe the game’s dossier listed the given name by an unfortunate diminutive.” “What the hell are you doing here? Again.” “Ah, I was recruited by Mr. Falcon to assist the good Baron with his little biological weapons project. His plan is quite ingenious, if a little short-sighted. Rather too many unwieldy variables and potential for unintended consequences. However, I am but a lowly lab assistant, and he has not sought my opinion on the matter.” “Mr. Falcon?” repeated Julian, honing in on the most pertinent piece in the monologue. “You mean Miles invited you?!” “Evidently, he’s grown tired of always playing on the losing side. He thought that my presence on the side of villainy might improve his chances.” Continue on AO3...

Not sure what it says about me that not only do I let my mother read my smutty fanfic (old news around here lol), but last night, I also sat and watched her read a draft of this and whenever she laughed audibly, I interrogated her about what line she’d just read.

#this may be my worst title yet and I will not apologize for it #trektober 2023 #trektober #my fanfic #garashir #star trek #ds9 #fanfic #vermin rites #verminmom #my family and other rodents

[sohoharlem]

I doubt Sebastian will do anything "shocking" with Annabelle, because the reaction to their relationship wasn't extreme, and I'll die on the hill that the things he did with Alejandra, were just stubborn reactions to the worst amount of hate to date, not because she was a special one in his line up of gfs (considering how quickly he moved on, I feel validated in that opinion). Unless/until Annabelle is seen with a rock or bump, which might very well happen. He's in the typical "gotta settle down" age for men and she seems to be a more reasonable choice than Alejandra. The most telling thing he has done that could be a sign of him being very serious with her, is that he brought his mother to the wedding of Annabelle's brother, instead of just attending alone as Annabelle's plus one.

Thank you for your view on this and I think a good portion of people would agree with you. Anyone is free to add on or comment on this as well.

If I may add my personal two cents on this, I’ll break it down. About the first part, comparing it to Ale and how he felt about Ale, I think that does depend on a lot of how you viewed their relationship at the time. Quite a lot thought similar to what you just stated, but there was a good part of the fandom that was convinced he genuinely liked Alejandra a lot and some even thought they were going to get engaged and thought she was going to be it, but probably wouldn’t last.

I think that what happens when Sebastian gets a new girlfriend is that people tend to kind of forget how the one before some people also thought it was serious, too. Does this make sense? I hope it does. It’s like the second a new woman enters the picture, that memory wipe thing from men in black is clicked on.

But going on that train of thought about Ale/Annabelle, I think they might be equally as serious BUT what calls my attention to it being very different as well and making Annabelle sometimes feel more “concrete” , even if it’s just for the time being if it doesn’t work out, is her age/work ethic/social media use/goals etc.

I think she’s a more realistic idea of what he looks for for something longer term and some fans see that as well, and it’s what gives most people the impression that it feels more serious than Ale. That and the fact that they seem more “private” as well, but I stand firmly behind that the reason Ale was projected so much on the web was because she was trying to get PR from him AND she used Social Media a lot more than Annabelle does. I think that gave it a bit of a -serious vibe, but even then a lot of people (at the time) really were convinced him and Ale were serious, too. We shouldn’t forget that. I think that’s what shocked most; the rapid decline after the clothing hanger pic.

About a pregnancy, who knows. I always feel really weird speculating about this topic just because having children is such a sensitive topic to some. Even though he might say he wants to be a dad and she might say she wants to be mom (not sure if she has), that’s the limit of the info they’ve publicly shared unless they say something additional. Some women have trouble conceiving, and sometimes maybe they don’t even want to have kids together or it has not even come up in discussions yet. There’s so much behind it. I always feel weird unless there something evident like a obvious uterus bump (not bloating. These piss me off too. I’ve seen woman that from speculation over bloating would’ve have five kids by now lol) or a very very clear sign or statement. But I do understand speculating if it would happen I guess. We know he wants to be a father one day. Does he want to be one now? We don’t know. There’s so little we actually know about the topic. Does he want one with Annabelle? We don’t know. Fans can only guess based off things we’ve seen publicly shown which isn’t always reliable.

Fans can always speculate and guess based off things we already know but the only real confirmation is it if actually happens, which so far I don’t see it has. Obviously, none of us really know him or what he actually thinks. We can all just take personal guesses. I’m not sure if I see him wanting to have a child yet, but that’s just me, so it means squat lol.

When was the last time they were even spotted together?

#sebastian stan #annabelle wallis

[crackedpumpkin]

hi!!! i love your work :)

what about question #24???

Hello love!! Thank you so much for your question; I'm about to info dump all over your ass I am NOT sorry <3

How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part, or do you just want to get on with it?

When I was beginning as a writer on Tumblr, I never planned anything I wrote. It was genuinely just such a 'sit down and write whatever comes to mind' type of thing I did. It might be obvious to some when you compare my current work and my earlier ones, especially with Cherry Blossoms, Caught Red Handed, compared to 101 Ways To Live lmao

I think I put in a lot of effort planning the two fic, Black Canvas and 101WTL, this time around, though, because I really want to see these projects do well. It's also something that I learned from hitechlatte and Dork, both of whom are just stupendous writers that I can learn so much from!

Currently, for how planning stories looks like for me, I use a table in a Google Doc, which looks something like this:

Blank Canvas:

Sometimes the outline isn't really followed to a T, which you can evidently see in Chapter 1, where the last few points are a little wonky and some straight-up don't appear :) But it's such an amazing safety net for me to fall back on since I tend to veer off course, and random tidbits of drabbles hit me out of nowhere.

For example, this is a thing that hit me one night. It's yet to be determined whether it'll be in the fic, but I just thought I'd show you lol:

“Didn’t anyone ask you?” Damn it. You risk a quick glance up, eyeing his raised brow and the skeptical smile. It’s not like you could outrightly admit that you wanted him to be your date. Besides, what you’re feeling is probably just one-sided anyway. It’s not like you expect him to be happy with you asking, but he could at least react a little nicer, couldn’t he?

God, you want to smack his pretty face so bad. 

"No, so I need a date for the prom. You don’t gotta do it if you don’t want to, jeez." You mutter, looking back down and feeling your cheeks warm as you absentmindedly shade your doodle of his face in your sketchbook.

Hehe.

As for whether or not I enjoy this part, I generally do! It's so much fun to think up little moments or even entire arching plot points that gradually develop throughout the fic! However, there are definitely moments when I get stuck, but I try not to let it affect me as much. To be perfectly honest, there are just blank chapters in the Google Doc table, where It's just. Nothing. But I know that as I write and gradually develop/flesh out the story even more, it'll hit me eventually. Sometimes, all you need is time, and it'll just come to you^^

With that I hope this has answered your question love! Stay safe, and stay hydrated <33333

#CPRambles #miles morales x reader #Miles x reader #into the spiderverse

[grahamcarmen]

Have a lot of asks and takes so just gonna dump them all here:-

opinion on chase and dexter.

you know i really want carlotta to meet the faculty and coach brunt and gray.

carlotta is gonna get such a biased version of gray that it cackles me up.

I can just imagine carmen telling her about gray and her response is "so you inherited my taste in bad boys".

you know, i understand why people think that if el topo killed someone he'll feel really guilty nut like he's the one to remind crackle that no witnesses should be left behind he's a cinnamon roll who can kill you.

rn i'm giggling at the idea of someone catching carmen and grey making out.

Commander is adorable.

1)i like them! Chase i maintain has the best line about the trufffles in his brain in s2. vivid imagery. poetic. and he gets such a solid and clear arc so congrats dude!! i really also like in s1 where he doesn't really buy that mimebomb is important but does have a tactic to keep tabs on him . tenacious, resiliant, and really intelligent sometimes. a lot of fun to watch and occasionally hear the out of pocket things he can say, he starts out abrasive but seeing him soften up and do what he can do best is fun and rewarding

dexter we don't get much but he was literally so!!! for getting only barely caught on cameras dating carms mom (which he refused to stop doing heck yeah <3) and doing his best to long con his way OUT of VILE for all of their sakes. and as a VILE agent? he was so smooth like steal those jewels, fly away, get paid for minimal teaching...ajsdnfasdkfn cool. RIPERONIS you were pretty cool

i really hope that carmen gets told by her mom that she has her dads eyes it was such an awwww moment when she said it. :( + just ugh can you imagine the conversations if she gets even more hints of similar things between them...ughhhhh carmen would really hold that dear...

2) hmmmmmmm like i really am into maybe her mom wanting to occasionally help carmen and that could happen VIA that (faculty and brunt) as for GRAY...

3) asdkjfnaslkfdjasd ok carmen gives literally all of gray's good points in such heart eyes and happy voice that the context of how carmen knows this just like makes her go "WAIT WAT" but lmao the idea of them falling for bad boys who are actually so soft and will do whatever it takes and actually turn over a new leaf <3 [i do think she might be a little harsher in her opinion on gray at first because thats her baby >:( waddyumeanyou! but like

:(it was everything...it was literally everything he held dear for carmen to exist and ugghhhhhhhhh i can't with them.

and like a changed person who her daughter has so much love for and obviously loved her enough to do that?? plus her mom runs an orphanage like i want to see him try to wiggle his way in the middle of respectful and being called out for old habits he can't shake yet and not being used to her brand of warmth. or her just asking him to keep watch the kids so she and carmen can have a day together mijo :((((((

and him being decent at corralling all those kids...not great he almost lost a couple but decent (he is good at charming distractions but gets snippy at the troublemakers if any...he's the only troublemaker allowed there<3) + always my evidences that he was the one who split up carmen and sheenas fights, the boys looked at him when they needed help at the tunnel, lmao he actually did have a decent distraction of codenames at the ready, and he's a head patter with a chill laid back disposition he projects...he can distract them with candyland for an hour...i think he can catch their attention like lmao he has such de facto group leader energy even if its not what he primarily does/the role he always wants...can he hold it tho...

or even a seriousish conversation after with gray realizing that was her trusting him lol + just long way round is still the way around conversation

5)...is that a thing? i mean el topo initially felt really bad about carmen because they were friends and might* have felt bad for shadowsan because he was his teacher but le chevre just tells him to focus on the bad parts of his class to get over it. old man in the desert who he has no attachment to? crackle remember to kill him + next time le chevre/ el topo both get over any lingering attachments and el topo even captures carmen with a smile and an ho-la. cinnamon roll who can kill.

6)I NEED THAT SO BAD ! NEED THEM TO BE INSEPARABLE AND INSUFFERABLE AND GET CAUGHT BEING ABSOLUTELY INTO EACH OTHER AND ABSOLUTELY SO HAPPY. askjdfnaskfjna and absolutely with only half an idea of what to do when caught

7) COMMANDER ...is cute <3

#asks #red crackle thoughts #lone wolf dis lone wolf dat wolves are pack animals dex ma dude #carlotta is gonna be just like me going awww look at how in love she is...wait pardon rewind that what #oh ok he actually is capable of being so sweet and loving carry on #XD aaaaaaa like they need to always be together it means everything #we love the death of destructive self service for true love and redemption #but also wtf is esteemed faculty and authority wtf who did this #i only put him at decent because idk what he's gonna do if theres troublemakers like him or carm in that building ... #braver teachers than him have tried #ALSO THE EL TOPO THING IS WHY I FIND GRAY AND HIS FRIENDSHIP ...intriguing? because of the way el topo looks to le chevre that time withcar #calls himself a pawn and chills the moment its all good and has such a sweet manner about him that apparently people forgot he too #knows the rules #asdkjfasdkfn im sorry the way le chevre is like >:( don't pun it up gray we won't get taken seriously #red crackle

[stupid-sloot-headcanons]

so first off i heckin love all your yandere content (esp bnha villains) (esp chubby reader) and maybe im born with it maybe it’s self-esteem but what are your thoughts on yanderes with a darling who… just does not understand why they would want/take her. Not just in a “wahh I’m just a little guy!” way, more like “literally I do not comprehend what you could possibly want about me” way. Idk maybe this is just me projecting bad body/negative self-worth energy, disregard if you want 💜💜

Tysm! My requests are currently closed but tbh none of the Villains imo would find that unattractive. The asshole ones like Dabi or Gremlin-era Tomura might like you'd never feel the confidence to try and leave them, but even then they'd also say smth like "You don't have to understand why. I'm keeping you either way lol"

Meanwhile the others would do anything to make you see how precious you are to them. Twice will write a whole notebook full of things he learns and loves about you if need be, just so there's "evidence that you're amazing" for you to read lol

#thots #.bnha #yandere bnha #sweetness

[mysmorgasbordoffantabulosa]

A couple of thoughts on the BigHit Music/BTS relationship and... that rumour!

First the rumour

So, let's get the rumour out of the way... [though I'll probably come back to it eventually].

Last month an anon directed me to a rumoured 2020 blind item, about two members, who hadn't extended their contract...

This account is a known Taekook account. The comments/replies suggest the original poster of the blind doesn't exist and they posted this blind just before closing their account... but here's the thing why can't I find any reference to the original post. You're not telling me shit loads of Taekookers, hell OT7 and solo stans wouldn't have been all up in that shit if this blind was around in 2020. I never saw such a blind back then and I follow two big blind item websites (they have always intrigued me). This makes me think the post wasn't real. But perhaps there's a slither of truth in it...

Then on 11th Feb 2023, Crazy Days and Crazy Nights posted this...

And in the comments, there is the prevailing theory that BigHit/HYBE is deliberately not promoting their (Tae and JK) solo project stuff as some sort of evidence to back this theory up. Despite the fact that BH doesn't promote work that they don't produce themselves. I have yet to see a tweet or Weverse announcement about RM's involvement in a K-Variety Show he's doing, or Hobi, Suga and Jimin's recent fashion brand deals. Why because those companies are more than capable of promoting their own work with the members themselves.

Tae's cooking show is currently being promoted by the broadcaster as per usual and JK's World Cup Single was for a different label so any promo would have been done by them. Also, if BH weren't supportive of these endeavours do you really think they would allow their staff to travel and work with the Tae and JK and and provide support on these projects? You knot

I also find it interesting that a blind item that is supposedly 2 1/2 years old is suddenly back again and linked to a recent company purchase and Blackpink. That just seems suspicious.

I'll leave that there for a bit...

Let's keep it on the down low...

Now let's look at HYBE and BigHit and why I think the boys might have more control than we currently see.

Earlier this week, in light of the whole HYBE/SM drama, I saw two TikToks from the same user that piqued my interest and how BTS might have more power than we think...

Now I, like many others, was under the assumption that HYBE had full control over BigHit, but after a little research, I've found that this TikTok is true and BigHit is a separate entity to HYBE itself...

This twitter thread from April 2021 (when Scooter Braun and Ithaca Holdings were purchased), is very insightful and all publicly available...

So, in essence, when HYBE was in the process of purchasing Ithaca Holdings from Scooter Braun, Bang PD did something, he and the HYBE board (mostly made up of former BH Entertainment people) unlisted BigHit Music from the stock market and separated it off as private company. Still owned by HYBE but privately owned by them and independently operated and not affected by HYBE's dealings.

Before I move on some context that's needed for later…

In 2018, BTS re-sign with BH

In 2020, we discover BTS's contract renewal will run from June 2020 to June 2024

October 2020 BH Goes public BTS get shares in the company

6 months later Big Entertainment splits in HYBE and BigHit Music.

By 2021 we learn they have extended their contract for the full 7 years to 2027.

2022 BTS go on break from group duties ahead of enlistment.

NOTE: I think Points 3 to 5 are very important to all of this....

(I hope we're all still here, lol)

Why do I think this is important and shows us why BH/HYBE is not out to get the boys?

Firstly, it shows that HYBE wanted BTS/BH to be protected in case anything happened to the rest of HYBE. This is pertinent considering the CDCN blind specifically mentions the purchase of the US company. How it's worded suggests that BTS profits paid for it and that the boys are in a slave contracts. If BH is sperate that suggests that their profits don't automatically go into HYBE's bottom line. Also, any idiot with a Google Degree can tell you in seconds that BH had one of the most progress profit sharing deals with its artists.

Additionally, we don't know who owns the shares in BH, we know that in March/April 2021, HYBE was the sole shareholder, what's to say that other entities are shareholders too... such as BTS.

Think about it, in 2020 HYBE/BH were trying to persuade BTS to do the USA thing, what if BTS who were not in a happy place with all the speculation of enlistment, plus covid, were close to saying no to an extension and a push into the USA. What if HYBE offered them something they could refuse, which would kill two birds...

What if BTS wasn't happy about BH becoming HYBE?

So why did BH not become HYBE in 2020 and waited until 2021? I wonder if the answer to this was BTS and their contract extension. Imagine this...

You're BTS and the company you've literally built, is about to go public and you as artists who were promised more control in your contract could potentially loose said control when the new company is formed. Add to this you've yet to officially extend your contract and said company want you to do something new and could benefit them massively (US market push & new ventures etc.).

Your BTS, what would you do?

Me I'd kick up a fuse until you made sure there were some provisions in place to protect your brand and your creative freedom.

Maybe, that's why BigHit didn't immediately become HYBE because BTS weren't fully onboard.

What would placate them?

Maybe making BH into a separate entity and giving the boys the control, they crave?

The would do two things, ease their minds about the USA push a little, as well as the change to HYBE.

However, this could happen straight away, and would take several months to implement, it's also possibly why the Scooter Braun detail didn't happen sooner. Prior to this happening, they were given share in HYBE, and I think during that six months they were given iron clad contract extensions that benefited them and BH (note not HYBE) greatly.

Another thing to consider... perhaps BTS are shareholders in BH Music the private company. All we know is originally when they private the company HYBE was the sole owner; once you're a private company you don't have to announce things about profits, stocks & share sales unless it's a takeover situation, unlike HYBE as public company.

I also think this private (and very possible) arrangement might be what led HYBE to purchasing stock in YG Plus because HYBE would get a slice of BTS revenue (from manufacturing/distribution costs that YG Plus generate) prior to BH/BTS getting their profits, because... what if, only a small portion of BH's actual profit can go into the HYBE's bottom line.

Anyway...

In conclusion, I think there was a slither of truth in the "original" blind item, but I wonder if it involved all the boys, perhaps led by the two (who we all believe to Taekook).

No, I don't think it was connected to their sexuality, but more likely their (BTS's) unease of the company they helped build going public and a possibly fear of being undermined by any new management, as well as the push into the USA.

The latest version of the blind, is most likely being stirred up by antis who want to isolate Taekook from the others (hence the constant HYBE don't promote their solo work, even though HYBE/BH don't do it for other members), making them out to be diva's who want more and more. Then use incorrect information in the process and therefore creating a blind that actually doesn't make factual sense.

The Blackpink thing? I have no idea.

#my asks #bts blind items #hybe labels #hybe #bighit music #bighit entertainment #bts

[piningprecussionist]

(Not an rp ask)

What is your opinion on chau x kim? I'm not a shipper of it myself but I heard it was a proship since knives is 17 but also I saw she was 18 in the comic so I'm not sure where to stand on it honestly. But I'd like to hear your opinion about it !! Sorry if this is a bit of a random ask (ーー;

You're completely fine!! Do not even worry about it.

So, yeah- When Scott first meets Knives, and I'm not entirely sure how much time passes between then and when they start dating, it was *literally* her seventeenth birthday, as I am reminding myself reading back over these panels presently. And then at the start of book six, the first time we see (real, non-dream,) Knives, she has apparently been eighteen for a week!

Now, I'm going to preface with a little something before I go further into this: I am totally fine answering this ask and others like it I think! but, I will note, I do get like a (not fun) physical sensation in my chest- partly anxiety (lol) but also something else I think- thinking about them like 95% of the time- it's gotta be like. Handled The Right Way, if that makes sense. Let's get into it.

So, first off, I'm just gonna re: some of the stuff relative to this I've posted here before- both nonrp and rp, since I use RP to develop my read on Kim and shed some light on how I see things I guess!

These clips come from this ask (and reblog) here!

This rp ask here, which is simply too difficult for me to get in a good screenshot I feel, so I recommend just checking it and the tags for it out- I will share my Bonus Commentary reply though:

This ask as well! Tags less pressing, but still provide a little insight.

And this is probably a dumb inclusion if I really want to make a pseudonym to post fics under, but. I have posted my (very early) thoughts on the SPTO sparks scene to AO3 before, so- (and before going into this- I did remember that Julie and Gideon have that sparks scene after the fact!)

And here's the Barely Anything Lines hinting at the ship that I had in that fic that I used to justify that blurb, while we're here:

I think I've gone over my feelings a little bit in the discord as well, and there might even be more rp stuff relative to it, but I'm not going to go back and get any of that honestly- at least, not right now, or unless requested, since I don't really feel like it's necessary, if it does exist. This gives a pretty good glimpse in I'd say- especially that second to last one there.

So. Yeah.

Used to ship it; have expanded my horizons since then. I don't really want to knock it because like... for some people this is a legitimate life experience for them- one that might have even turned out well, miraculously. And there also a lot of minors in this fandom evidently, so like, any other baby gays out there just wanting to Project for a minute? I feel that. Sincerely I do. It's not the wisest choice but better to read fanfiction about it than go out and actually make out with a 23 year old, Gods forbid. (Genuinely felt sick thinking about that; fucking gross. Any minors out there: Please Make Good Choices. Look out for yourselves. Begging you. There are too many freaks in this world- I promise you whoever you're thinking of probably isn't the magical exception.)

But there are definitely things to consider about them that are very interesting to me, still, so like. I'm in this weird state of conflict; I don't know if it's just me being like "it happened, you can't escape it" or having been desensitized/some sort of Brainwashed by how many times I had to use Knives in the game to quick heal- maybe something else but I just don't feel like flaying myself open like that unprompted for just anyone- but like. Oh man.

Sorry, gathering/writing this that feeling like went away but came circling back for this last bit, it seems. Which makes sense I guess. I feel like I'm setting myself up for a Pyre right now eugh shfsgkjfhjg

I dunno. I'm not gonna lie and pretend like I know it to be some big formative ship for me in my early teen years, but it was kind of important in finally coming around to realizing how queer I was, I think. My memories of the time are fuzzy, but it would have been one of the things- there were likely larger ones, my current obsession could be recoloring my past here so I'm trying to acknowledge that.

But there is like. A dynamic that is posited by them that is also one I'm a really big sucker for. More so now than I was then, so I find myself grinding my teeth about that a fair bit at times.

I definitely still really like it as something unrequited no matter what I think; I like the idea of Knives having a really big crush on Kim, genuinely. I think it's cute and funny as hell for how uncomfortable it would make Kim, who's just trying so hard not to be a fucking creep while this ray of sunshine hangs off her- something she absolutely does not deserve (in her eyes.)

I'm obviously more partial to Kim resisting any advances made at her, but I can understand so, so badly why someone might be attracted to the idea of Knives managing to thaw some of Kim's frigidity with that. Ugh.

If they work for me, I think they'd have to work for me after Knives is gone at college for a bit. Kim would need to know Knives for longer than she knew her as a minor- and they'd have to be FRIENDS in that time, quite strictly. Kim would need to not feel (intensely, because frankly, she would unavoidably feel this way at least a little no matter what,) like she was a fucking groomer going into it, basically. I don't know what I think past that.

You know, I'll put my feelings like this: with the exception of a fic I saw recommended to someone that intrigued me, I have managed to resist reading any/many fics featuring them, despite it being a large majority of the wlw Kim fics that exist, and also kinda just Kim fics generally. It's kind of Insane, especially considering how much Kimona SCREAM at you from the pages of the comic itself- but I digress....

I've been working on this for like over an hour now I think so I really should cut myself off. I am like,, too hungry and mildly stoned to be rambling off about this maybe. If you want more concise/specific thoughts, I recommend prompting! I can try and channel the responses easier with a bit more direction, maybe?

...

actually another thing real quick- I like. Do not know that I could ever feel comfortable, truly, consuming content for them, not knowing if the OP has good intentions. I just Do Not trust people, largely, so that's just like. A little thing. Idk. "Death to the author" or whatever but I am still allowed to feel personally uncomfortable ya know! I don't want them taking my silent observation as like,, passive acceptance in the event that they were. Idk if that makes sense, I need to go eat already, I'm hitting post before i drag this out to TWO hours

#w oof. that was a doozy. mostly just on account of how long ive been working at it #but yeah. they fuck me up in some sort of way idk man. i cannot stress enough how much i want to bite people that are freaks about knives + #+ btw. like Going For The Throat I Need You To Bleed Out And Die want to bite people. so even considering it casually i find myself feeling #+like i am a massive hypocrite with the word scrawled in blood across my back or something. but im just a starving gay sdfjkhjsd #and i love Kim So Much. Denying myself Kim content is Actual Hell. and I have persisted. #(i mean. i also probably read some of this stuff back when i was a teenager. so. idk how much im really denying myself. but it's the + #+ thought that counts right? right?? hh... i likely dont remember any of them anyway so. it should totally count.) #ooc #txt #glitterminionking12 #am i really gonna put these in the tags.... hhhh yeah i guess i am #if any of the people that know me read this and can see i am shooting myself in the foot here please slap me in the discord i'll understand #i might just be having a Moment #sp comic #spvtw #spto #kim pine #knives chau #possibly the only post- unless i get asked about it more- that is gonna get the ship tag for them i guess? what even is their ship name... #ship stuff #no seriously what is their ship name im sitting here blanking i dont know how to tag this for people that dont wanna see it. or do i guess #knikim #sounds kinda like knick-em in my mind so im doing that for now #since starting to type any of the ones i thought of doesnt make a suggested tag pop up or anything #if there is one someone please tell me maybe and ill tag it #long post #headcanons #i guess? #spvtwtg #forgot that one

[drwcn]

Hello! Quick question: JC-antis will prove their (insane) arguments about him by citing how the "real" JC is described in MXTX's text. I know a lot of the story revolves around the danger of rumor and hearsay, but in my English translation, the story seems to be written in 3rd person omniscient, which unfortunately seems to give their argument some weight. Could you lend me some insight regarding the original Chinese or any cultural elements that might help me defend my Fave? Thanks! <3

i mean Jiang Cheng is very much a little shit face, but is he a bad person? Hmmm no.

as far as i'm concerned, antis can say whatever they want and i just...block ppl LOL

it's hard to give really concrete evidence without digging up the real text and MDZS is....VERY LONG. And i just can't...be...bothered.

But I will say one thing about Chinese as a language. Sometimes I found that translation often made what is just "casual speech" very abrasive and aggressive and rude sounding in English.

Even just the most basic example from the show: when that dude from episode 2 fainted in the Fairy Temple, Sizhui is translated to say: hey what's wrong with you? Or something to that effect. (the only reason i can pull this up as an example is bc i recently started watching it again with a new friend who i've infected. i'm like patient 0 in this untamed epidemic that's going around in my friend circles).

Which honestly, if a person fell down in front of you and your automatic response is what's wrong with you? People would be like wtf, why are you so rude? But in Chinese, it's....not a rude thing to say. In fact that is exactly what Sizhui says: what's wrong with you/what's going on with you?

And this is Sizhui we're talking about. Like the Angelic Boy of the mdzs universe no matter which iteration.

So naturally you can see how that plus a shitty temper would make Jiang Cheng seem like an irredemable asshole.

Not to mention all the misreading into the cultural dynamic, trope dynamic that people seem to be doing left right and center. Completely heedless of the myriad of people telling them bruv, you're reading the book wrong please calm down.

It's like whenever i read a good fanfic and i see the words "Madam Yu abused Wei Wuxian" - I click (x), right away. I'm too old and too tired to deal with this kind of shit in my life.

Also the absolute projection I see in some people's analysis/fic/headcanon. Bruh....

But who am I to tell people how to live their lives? If they get more out of mdzs/cql than is intended by the author or production team, well that's none of my business. I can have selective blindness.

and do i feel show jc is a bit watered down than book jc? hmmm yeah, to an extent. but also i feel that's the thing with books right? when i read it i imagine one thing, but when i see it as a visual in the show, that's both the director's interpretation of the character as well as the actor's interpretation of the character. and i decided that it's canon enough that it's not ooc, and i actually like the show's interpretation so that's what i'm gonna stick with.

#corie replies #cql #the untamed

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok just need to do some head/heart-clearing journaling below the cut.

i’m in my sixth month in this job and nothing has really gotten better. i spent the first couple months crying after work multiple times a week, including perhaps my lowest moment where i was so overcome by existential despair i felt myself starting to cry IN A MEETING and had to make up an excuse to gather myself off camera. the last few months have been a little better (the existential despair is humming along at bearable background levels!) but i still feel out of sorts, disconnected from myself, and just... listless.

here are the biggest issues:

not enough work. this is killing me. i don’t need to be working literally every second from 9-5 and i don’t miss the teacher lifestyle of grading all weekend, but goddd I need projects you know? i need short- and long-term projects. i need things i’m working on or goals i’m working towards. and i need that work to feel purposeful. not every task has to be imbued with Deep Meaning but i need to be doing more than sitting in a teams call watching my lead copy and paste text from an email onto a powerpoint for 45 minutes. i had that one big project that i got to project manage and collaborate with another team on and i REALLY enjoyed that even though i didn’t care at all about the content. i guess what i enjoyed was just like, that feeling of breaking a complex task up into smaller chunks and then make meaningful decisions about how to tackle different parts of it. and i really liked the team i was working with too and felt like i did a really good job building a positive working relationship with them & running some interference for them at a moment where our boss was really stressing them out. all of that was good! but that project is over now and my lead has been blocking me from taking on other projects like that for reasons unclear (i mean i have my theories but).

work is too solitary. i need like a 40% solitary 60% social balance in my work life. instead it’s like 90% solitary 10% social and most of my social contact is with a person who doesn’t listen to my ideas and at times is actively undermining me or taking credit for my work in front of others.

the way this organization thinks about learning is so, so flawed and so ineffective but my lead simply does not want to hear it and shuts down every effort i make to try to incorporate or introduce evidence-based methods into our work. everyone is really set on doing things the way they’ve always done them, largely i think because they have no real conception of how else things could look/feel/function or why that might be more effective. we’re supposed to be learning experts but the person right above me is so committed to managing our boss’s feelings that she never actually provides expertise.

i’m not gonna rehearse my litany of grievances against the person who manages my day to day work here but let’s just say i am at my breaking point!!!! it is so exhausting to be under the thumb of someone who needs total control over everything i do and who seems to be so insecure about their own role/expertise/whatever that they have to actively block me from taking on new projects or pursuing professional development opportunities or communicating with anyone else in the office or speaking in meetings. like literally i can’t speak in meetings because they will tell me to ‘let them handle it’ & won’t let me get a word in edgewise & then if i do speak they’ll interrupt or speak over me to clarify what i ‘really’ meant. also this person wronged me last week lol and i’m going to be a grownup about it but i am certainly not going to forget that it happened.

there are no signs of improvement on the horizon & no route to getting out from under from this person’s supervision. honestly this job would be Fine if this person would get out of my way and let me do my job. but they will not and the more i try to make this job useful/purposeful to myself the more they perceive me as a threat who must be neutralized, even if nothing i am doing is challenging their position at all. i think i have one nuclear option (lol) which is going to my contractor boss and saying that i’d like them to consider assigning me to a completely different office, like essentially creating the same position for me in a place where there currently isn’t an L&D team... and that could work because i think there’s need for that, but the person who currently supervises me would interpret this as a declaration of all-out war and if it didn’t pan out i would really fuck up my own working life there. so i am loath to try that unless things get a lot worse or until i have some other potential job prospects on the horizon.

here’s what’s “good” about the job: the money is stupid, there’s no commute, i can do the work with 95% of my brain tied behind my back, and my schedule is stupidly flexible.

people keep telling me that when i have a tiny shrieking infant living in my house i will wish i had a job that paid stupid money and required absolutely nothing from me. and i am sure that they are right in some ways! having an easy pointless well-compensated job would certainly relieve many financial and mental stressors! but also, as i’ve been thinking about the ways in which my life is likely to change, i also feel like... hmm. how to articulate this. my sense is that becoming a parent for the first time is a pretty intense crisis of the self moment, where the self you were and the life that self lived at least partially dissolve or are exploded or whatever and you find yourself in a new life structured by radically different routines and obligations and emotions. i know you can’t really prepare for that but maybe you can at least sort of start to mentally prepare the groundwork for: i’m not going to feel like my old self for a while, maybe for a very long time, and that’s going to be both exciting and profoundly destabilizing, in the way that huge life transformations or upheavals always are.

the problem is, i’ve already spent the past six months feeling disconnected from my sense of self, listless, unsure of my purpose, cognitively dulled, etc etc. i feel like i’ve tried to fill the void of meaning in my life with small, self-focused, kinda myopic activities that are “nice” and enjoyable but do not make me feel connected to any kind of purpose or meaning that transcends the self and its petty little concerns. i’ve obsessively focused on decorating my house. i’ve focused on food and cooking. i’ve focused on exercise and my weight and on buying a new wardrobe. like, don’t get me wrong, it’s really good for me to get enough exercise and learn how to cook good, nutritious food and create a home space that i love living in. but those activities, for me, are best when they’re kind of at the margins of my “real” life, a life of intellectual and interpersonal and professional purpose. it’s nice to cook a nice meal, but it’s much, much better (to me!) to spend the day absorbed in a big planning project or doing work with students and then come home and make a nice meal. i guess the simple way of putting it is: i’ve been nourishing my senses and that’s good, that’s important, but i gotta be nourishing my spirit too. i believe in the soul, you know? and i believe in the soul-expanding power of really meaningful work, really meaningful relationships. the power of a life that’s well & usefully & purposefully lived. and right now i just feel... idk. i feel cramped, listless, self-absorbed in my soul. and that feels so bad to me. that hurts me. it’s like this dull ache inside of me all the time that i try to soothe by buying more things or painting another wall or whatever.

and i guess like... i don’t want to bring new life into the world when i’m feeling like that. i don’t want to move directly from a period of feeling totally adrift and lost and disconnected from myself into a period of my life where i will maybe feel overwhelmed and terrified by new responsibility and adrift in a new way. i don’t want to have to do the work of rebuilding my sense of self twice over, you know? idk i’m not articulating this well i need to think about it a bit more i think. but i guess too like... i don’t want to raise a kid doing a job that kills my soul. i want to have a part of myself that feels like a writer or a thinker or a teacher, even if i am also a parent and have to find ways to integrate those different facets of myself. i want to be a parent very badly but i want to find a way to parent that feelis aligned with my values and ultimately, in the long run, makes me feel more like myself, even if that self undergoes many transformations in the process. IDK can’t untangle my own feelings here, not sure i am really managing to articulate what’s in my head/heart, but like.. i guess...

i don’t feel like me right now

i may be about to experience a crisis of the self (parenthood) that may make me feel very alien to myself in some ways 

i would like to embark on that journey of self-dissolution / self re-formation from a place of feeling really solid in myself, rather than from a place of feeling extremely adrift, unmoored, at sea. i want to feel like there’s a solid place .. not to return to exactly, but to find again or find in another way on the other side of the sleeplessness and the terror of being responsible for a small person and so on.

i also just want my kid to see me as someone who loves their work. not “work” in the capitalist sense but work in the life’s work sense. i think it is so deeply human, maybe the most deeply human thing of all, to crave purpose and to seek out purposeful work that makes us feel more like ourselves and more connected to the people around us. maybe not everyone feels that way! but i do! that’s an important thing to me! and i think it’s worth starting to take some big life re-evaluation steps now to bring myself closer to that way of living.

#blah blah blah #personal #mw

[floating-in-the-blue]

I remember asking you about the Saga of Toast the last time this particular WIP game came around, and so much has happened between then and now ! I've read the fics (and LOVED them) and even watched JAtP (which was such a sweet, fun ride), so I'm wondering if this getting to be a pattern of being introduced to a new fandom XD (no complaints there, lol). That said, both The Lost City and Nature 2.0 sound super intriguing ! I'd love to hear more about both/either, totally up to you :) (I think we've discussed Nature 2.0 in passing before, and while I know its based on Metal Gear -- which itself has such an interesting premise from what little I've gleaned -- it sounds like a genuinely epic fic in the making, whenever that happens 🤞🏼🤞🏼)

AAAAAAAAAAAAH, hunny!!! (my thought process on receiving this particular ask). You're so right. So much HAS happened and I'm still so happy you enjoyed the chaotic Toast cat and the silly little ghost show <3 <3

Okay, the fic whales that require a better author (and one with more brain space and leisure time) than I am at the moment but that are still so dear to me that I might come back to them at some point.

I came up with The Lost City first, while I was still at university and attending a lot of lectures on 19th century British literature and culture. I was also, at that time, in a Stargate Atlantis fan forum at the time and those two things just seemed made for each other so I envisioned a fic that would be written in the style of a 19th century novel and resemble Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World in that you have this bunch of adventurers and scientists that claim to have found the lost city of Atlantis but lost all their photographic evidence etc on their way back and now one of the members of the expedition, the Scottish doctor (Edinburgh having been one of the best places for a medical education at the time just fit so nicely with the Scottish doctor on the show), tells the story as reconstructed from his diary.

The fic would attempt to be very accurately 19th century-ish so you would have the white (British) male Christians explorers bringing civilisation to the savages of the new world. There would be the noble savage princess. The charming and intrepid soldier. The eccentric scientific genius. There would also be an eccentric rich heiress funding the operation whose unconventional independence would be punished by the narrative while still admiring her bravery. There's also sort of vampires which fits nicely with the vampire/gothic craze at the time, the obsession with (creepy) hands (the Stargate aliens suck other being's life essence through touching them). The Egyptian craze tying in with finding the Stargate. There's just SO MUCH that would fit SO WELL!

It would also have footnotes as a sort of mock Oxford University Presse edition, contextualising the racism and colonialism and misogyny etc ;D

So it's a very ambitious project.

Not learning my lesson with this one, I came up with another ambitious project, Nature 2.0, that is indeed a Metal Gear Solid au.

The original game series already deals with clones (Solid Snake, aka David, being one and experiencing accelerated ageing as a result). There's world conspiracies and viruses and triple agents and shadowy figures and the sins of the fathers being borne by the sons. And there's a soldier (Snake) and a genius nerd (Hal Emmerich aka Otacon) falling in love.

On some ill fated day I thought: why not take it even further?

So it's a dystopian future where genetic engineering and cloning etc are commonplace and the poor, normal born people are second class citizens. There's pockets of resistance and pockets of self-sustained enclaves and terrorism but most of the "Naturals" are just poor schmucks in the ghettos of the big cities trying to get by.

One of them is Hal Emmerich, genius son of a Two-Oh genius (Two-Ohs being the genetically enhanced Humans 2.0) but natural born and as such a lowlife who gets fired by too many companies and has an unhealthy feelie addiction (think movies - talkies - feelies) who suddenly gets recruited for a secret mission by a handsome clone.

They embark on a mission that's ostensibly about some nuclear threat but they soon uncover there's something more sinister afoot. There's trying to figure out the plan and the players, infiltrating places, stealing information, escaping shadowy pursuers, finding allies in unlikely places, exposing a global conspiracy and saving the world at a cost. There's near-death and there's falling in love and there's philosophising about what it means to be human.

But again, it's A LOT and lots of research and even MORE plotting and writing action plots and stealth missions which I'm rubbish at at the moment so like The Lost City, it's on ice until that mystery time when I'm healthier and can focus better and have more time. Maybe never. But never say never, right?

#yeo writes #thanks so much again for asking hunny #I LOVE these ideas and though talking about them is bittersweet I also love it