#all my other psychosomatic pains are different and they come and go

[balkanradfem]

Beloved friends, I am having a sad day. If you've been with me for the past year, you might remember me complaining about neck pain, so bad I couldn't run, or walk, or sit for prolonged periods of time. This pain never went away, and I was in the line to get a MRI for the last 8 months. Today, I got the results, and they show nothing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me physically, yet I've been in pain almost every day.

I don't exactly know what to do, medicine won't help me anymore. I have to assume the pain is caused by psychological issues at this point, but I have absolutely no confidence, or a plan to resolving that. Feeling inconsolable for today. I'll figure out what to do about this eventually, hopefully.

#:( #neck pain #i was so sure it was a physical issue #all my other psychosomatic pains are different and they come and go #but this is constant and sharp pain #for a year i believed it was something physically caused for sure #i don't know what to do now i know its psychological #also can't believe this is happening #how is it possible for psychological pain to nest in my neck and torture me without me being able to do anything about it #without being able to prove that pain is even there

[kitkatperce]

hey guys kuzaang headcanons.

(most found in my dc server........) 1; ok this MAY seem stupid though i Dont Care if anyone here thinks it is but avatars have like dreams of their memories from their past lives and can get like something close to psychosomatic pain ? The Point is aang getting these nightmares and crap at a sleepover w kuzon nd kuzon comforts him after cuz he woke kuzon up by screaming 2; kuzon would have loved the marble trick (which was replied to with 'kuzon would go beast mode over the marble trick actually' by tumblr user meeyow4419 which i think explains it very well very true.) 3; kuzon cant cook for shit 4; kuzon did NOt believe whatever sozin was sending out he gave each newspaper the stink eye. 5; kuzon taught aang all the fire nation dances and bumi cheered them on in the bg 6; bumi was definitely their wing man 7; we all know therescultural differences between the 4 nations. what i need to see is kuzon explaining things of rthe fire nation that aang doesnt understand and vice versa 8; kuzon kissing each and every one of aangs arrows. thank you 9; physical touch. slinging an arm over each others shoulder, hugging, kissing, holding hands, holding arms, laying on top of each other, putting legs over each other legs, touching knees, standing close to each other, kuzon doesn't know what personal space is!, kicking the others foot to get their attention, leaning into each others space, aang doing/playing with kuzons hair, falling asleep on each other, and more. they are really big on physical affection 10; dancing. just dancing I don't feel the need to elaborate. at festivals, in the kitchen, in the middle of a forest, wherever. just dancing 11; they frequently send letters to each other, and when they started dating there was an occasional love letter in there. 12; kuzaang kinda just happened they never actually were like. date me. they just. started dating I guess. they don't even know when it occured 13: drool when they sleep. 14; they also uh. cuddle when they sleep. kuzons woken up with a wet shirt more than once. he gets embarrassed when he realizes he drooled on his pillow the whole night. actually have an art piece 4 this! https://www.tumblr.com/kitkatperce/748416474997260288/wow-this-is-gay

15; promises that sound oddly like wedding vows. 16; hip hip hooray!!! x LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! (after their first kiss) 17; moles x freckles 18; they share their food w each other. aang splits a lot of fruits (its usually an orange because he somehow always has one on hand) 19; aang gets very giggly and avoids eye contact after like. they kiss on the lips even once. 20; they both still blush like madmen with any physical affection 21; uncontrollable laughter 22; they don't care what time it is if the other is upset they r GOING to comfort them 23; aang sending super intense vibes to kuzon so he dreams of them sharing a sandwich together (im jk) 24; devotion. yeah ur my bsf ofc im in love with you and will find you and hang out with you in every universe. lets kiss 25; they both yap a whole lot but when it comes down to it kuzon loves to listen to aang blabber about absolutely nothing and everything at the same time 26; cheesy nicknames 27; air nomads dont marry but aang doesnt actually mind if kuzon is like 'my husband' or whatever he thinks its super endearing. some ppl say they are too young for marriage and aang has to explain tho LMAO 28; idiots doing idiotic things. get down from that tall ass mountain 29; aang likes to fidget with kuzons hands. kuzon lets him

#I forgot the rest #aang #kuzon #avatar: the last airbender #avatar aang #atla #atla aang #aang x kuzon #kuzaang #atla kuzon #kuzon atla #my buckaroos #they are such losers #lovingly #avatar the last airbender

[harloqui]

Different Styles of Shifting

Since I've noticed that there are a few different styles of shifting out there (and since I've been trying to categorize my own shifting) I've decided to make a list of all the types I've seen out there. More will be added if I find any, but I think this is all there is?

1. Psychosomatic Changes: These are people who have changes that are mild and fairly well-explained scientifically. Increased energy, an inability to walk, heightened senses and a boost in strength are all possible for those experiencing these changes, and for the animal identified this often comes with cravings, longings to go wild, and some instincts of their species.

Unlike other forms of shifting, humans are fairly prone to this sort of change. If you've ever tried those "spell to become a werewolf" videos and felt effects (but no transformation), then you've had this type of "shift".

2. Berserkers and Human-Beasts: Changes here are more extreme than those found in psychosomatic areas, and are arguably no longer psychosomatic. These shifters often shift under pressure or the influence of spirit posession, seeing it as either a defensive mechanism or spiritual gift. The mildest of partial shifts might occur under these circumstances - growing fur, partially shifting bones, vocalizations and stance changes.

Examples of these shifters include berserkers, and some shamanic individuals.

3. Magical Influence: Those using magical influences may give off the appearance of a physical shift, without having shifted. These individuals often cast an illusion (in some cases called glamour) around their physical body so that they appear to be nonhuman. In some cases this form may be visible to only a select few; in others everyone may be able to see the animal form as if it were a physical entity.

Examples of this shift include sorcerers, witches and some claims of fae or natural animal shapeshifters (The Church Lady Monster).

4. Spirit Projectors and Bilocators: A spiritual type of shift that affects and/or involves the physical body, or materializes a new body for the shifter to use. These shifters may cross the veil to engage in fights against evil or other protective matters, or materialize a physical body to roam the Earth in. Unlike astral projection, the human body is often instrumental in shifting - moving it can displace a shifter, and a shifter may need to place it out of danger before a shift.

Examples of shifters like this include the faoladh, or the benadanti.

5. Standard Animal or Man-Beast: What most people think of when they hear of a physical shapeshifter. Changes here are fairly evident and indicate a noticable physical difference. Shifting may be painful, and difficult to initiate or control. Most shifters of this sort become an existent animal, although some may claim to have a bipedal, man-beast form. Despite being glamorized, experienced shifters are fairly rare in the community, and don't appear too often.

Examples of this shift include historical werewolves and some shamanic individuals, as well as claimed modern day sightings (such as the Torrance Werewolf) of bipedal wolf and cat men.

Not all shifters will be able to shift in all these ways, however I don't think shifting styles are exclusive. If you know one you could potentially develop the ability to shift in other ways.

#harloqui.txt #p shifters #p-shifting #real werewolves #real shapeshifters #real shifters #nonhuman #physical shifting #physically shifting #shapeshifting

[mega-ringsandthings-world]

I'm back on my asking bullshit, and I bring the pain!

So, I know I've talked about physical healing before, specifically to do mostly with Mihawk, but let's talk about Shanks! The way you describe his scars indicates first, second and third-degree burns covering the whole of his upper body. The ow factor aside, the fact that he didn't pass out from the pain is both horrifying in its implications for his pain tolerance and horrifying because if he didn't pass out, there's a good chance he cooked his nerves dead. This is bad for recovery because, on one hand, burn victims have been known to die from the immense stress and pain full-body burns produce. Not feeling the pain could keep him alive, but once the adrenaline wears off, Shanks is going to be in agony for a very long time that only pain meds can help with, and even that's iffy on them helping all the way. Oh the other hand if he crisped his nerves that means long healing more damages and a lot more affect on his over all ability to move from stretching to reaction time.

Then there's the healing. You are a well-informed individual, but for those who aren't informed, every burn victim I've looked up has said they'd rather burn a hundred times before having to go through the healing process of burns again. In fact, at some point, they wished they'd died instead of going through it again. They'll have to change Shanks' bandages every day from his face to down his torso, and every day it will feel like being skinned alive as the nerves come back on. Not to mention the removal of necrotic skin—debridement over a period of time as the nerves and new skin grow back. Oh, and skin grafts, so many skin grafts. So, a lot of surgery.

His life for a year or two is going to go from psychological torture straight into the physical torture of healing. No wonder he develops an addiction to drugs and alcohol. His life is pain, his mind is a death trap, and he's losing the love of his life inch by torturous inch.

PT is going to be hell for both of them. Shanks will probably have to wear compression garments/bandages all over his face and body while he heals all the time, which will fuck with him movement-wise. Hopefully, the One Piece magic healing will reduce that from two years to about one instead.

Yeah healing from burns is no Joke and if Shanks wasn’t already riddled with trauma this would be more to add to the pile.

!!!!! Yessssss. Pain is my thing. This is a great topic, because those those are Mihawk's haki burns, which are very, very interesting, because, key word, Haki. If haki burns possess the physical characteristics of thermal burns, then Shanks is indeed going to be in agony for a very long time. Everything you mentioned Shanks would suffer and require for his healing, the daily changes of bandaging across a large portions of his body, necrotic skin removal, grafts/surgery. (Burns are not something I'd wish on my worst enemy, recovery from them even less so. Pain meds only take a chunk off that utter hell.) And irregardless of physical characteristics, the pain of receiving those burns would amount to the pain of third-degree burns either way. Even with how high his pain tolerance is at the time (due to all the previous torture) he wouldn't keep consciousness for long after being initially burnt. Nerves are indeed cooked, literally cooked (or switched off by the brain due to the psychosomatic-inducing shock of the haki) Which brings us to how haki burns could differ from thermal burns, simplified, haki is the manifestation of the will of the user, and Mihawk was exerting so much will to protect Shanks that a shadow of the "shield" he was creating imprinted on Shanks' body. The question is whether or not armament haki possesses kinetic energy when in use, and if the force from the impact of it with Shanks generated enough thermal energy to burn nearly a third of his body. On one hand, it's realistically possible, given that armament haki can be physically seen when used for Hardening, on the other hand, and taking into account that haki is a metaphysical thing, the burns inflicted in that case could also be more metaphysical, and so fully psychological/neurological. Nerve receptors and brain synapses would be fucked, pulses wouldn't be transmitted right, the parietal lobes are completely rattled loose do to the infliction of external willpower. Shanks would suffer the pain (or what his brain is telling him is pain, it's trying to categorize the effect haki caused to it and the closest thing it has is pain) of physical burns on the parts of his body touched by the haki, and the further pain of nerves on-lining as his brain slowly-unfucks itself. So while there may be no actual physical burns save for pesudo-tattoos of the Hardening effect, it will feel like there are, which does a number psychologically on a different level. Feeling pain you can neither see nor find no evidence of. Either way, yeah it's no mystery why Shanks turns to alcohol to deal with this. And compounding Mihawk's conditions and distance during all of this, Mihawk is the one responsible for Shanks' burns, whatever version he may have. Mihawk was the one who caused Shanks the pain he has to live with for years, and this is not lost on him. Neither is the utter guilt he would feel because of it. Healing will be hell indeed, either Shanks is getting his skin scraped off or buried in his treatments bandages, or is trying to scrape his own skin off to try to exorcise the perpetual sensation of being burnt. Not a fun thing to deal with in the midst of everything else he currently will be shouldering.

#one piece #op #opla #dracule mihawk #akagami no shanks #hawkeye mihawk #red haired shanks #mihawk one piece #shanks one piece #mishanks #mihawk x shanks #op marines #loguetown au

[myrddin-wylt]

What the hell is anon going on about? We don't even own these characters like...

And like you said, we're drawing from the same source material so we're bound to come up with similar if not the exact same headcanons.

Also, the whole nations dying headcanons has been done to death (pun not intended). Which isn't a bad thing, it just means there are not really any original takes on the subject. And you want me to go all the way back to like 2012, possibly farther to credit the original person to say nations can grow their limbs back? Who's to say the one anon considers the "original poster" of the headcanon didn't take it from someone else, who took it from someone else, who took it from someone else and so on.

Also also, sometimes others headcanons will influence me without realizing it. But often times in the mix they become my own/I don't remember where I first heard the headcanon.

Sorry, this just got me heated 😅. Like I can't explain it. Headcanons are kind of different than art and fanfic. I don't think they need to be as harshly protected as anon is making it out to be.

When I see someone with the same headcanons as me I don't immediately think they stole my idea, I just go "Hey you're very smart 🤝"

at this point I've gone on too much but I wanted to respond to you so: it's very annoying for a few reasons but like. as an aside. there's a reason people are entitled to their work and the form it takes and the effort put into it but they are not entitled to their general ideas, especially not when drawing on the same material. and I think a lot of the irritation is because we've likely all had to tell ourselves that exact thing, because there's nothing quite so annoying as realizing you aren't as uniquely creative as you thought.

idk man I just wanted to talk about Vampyr crossover so I started with nation biology. like Arthur has to have a vampire for a doctor because no human in the world could get him to admit that he does, in fact, feel pain. and not only that, but he's vulnerable in several ways due to historical injuries that he sustained because he was 'too weak' to avoid them or heal from them or whatever. and Arthur won't admit important shit like that because that's his actual canon characterization, so most of the time Jonathan has to use his blood sense and manipulation skills but he does that fairly easily because the game revolves around the player being able to pick all the exact right dialogue options and be a total manipulative bastard until you can figure out what these people are suffering from because they literally will not just tell you even if Jonathan is their literal doctor.

this includes characters like Thomas Elwood, who sustained serious burn injuries during his time fighting in France in WW1 and who has physically healed but still feels immense pain because he has a psychosomatic condition, and the only way you can unlock the hints for his character is to figure all that out yourself without saying the wrong thing because the game runs on an autosave feature so you can't go back and fix mistakes and the characters WILL clam up if you say something wrong. there's also, hold on, Harvey Fiddick who fucked up his hand and needs surgery but the doctors keep fighting over what procedure to do and they aren't sure if he'll ever actually get full use of his arm back anyway because sometimes injuries heal wrong or never fully heal at all. like the only thing that makes Arthur different from any of them is that he has historical flavor.

like I'm really trying to emphasize the degree to which I've been thinking about nations having old injuries despite their healing abilities and how their biology differs from humans. also I'm stalling because I keep getting my ass kicked by this goddamn sewer beast. also I'm trying to get other people to try this game because I love it. ALL THAT ASIDE--

#ask #koolkat9

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw medical abuse, panic attacks

I have had a really bad experience with a doctor, which resulted in me leaving his office half-way through, and since then I am struggling with visiting any doc, even other kinds of.

It wasn't that bad right after, I visited other docs and told them "I have anxiety" but they never treated me really well. Some experiences where neutral, some bad, but none had given me back the trust in doctors. And now (4 years later) I can't visit any doctor anymore.

I have stuff to check and to get done, but I can't get myself to visit a doctor. Even thinking about it gives me panic attacks.

I have wasted hours, thinking about how it might be going and idk. I don't fear a bad outcome or another bad experience. I fear that I might get another panic attack half-way through and won't be able to leave and will have to bear it.

You know, I've spent so many more hours thinking about it, panicking, then it would take to check all of my issues. And that makes me real disappointed in myself and I feel trapped. You know, I could have done it already! For years! I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore, if I would've been braver in the past! I wasted so much time worrying, but still, I can't overcome it.

Most time I am okay but sometimes there's this intrusive thought "I still need to get X done" and then I get psychosomatic pain in that area and my stress goes up and I have another anxiety attack. More during the last months, because the heat adds into my general stress level.

The stuff is not urgent but knowing, even if it would be urgent, I couldn't go to a doctor, makes me anxious. And if I would finally do it, the intrusive thoughts would stop so, I really want to. I want to stop having to think about it all the time and worrying, and being angry with me for not being braver. But idk how.

Hi anon, I'm so sorry for the abuse you have suffered in the medical community and deeply empathize with trying to cope with the resulting anxiety from it. Without attempting to come across as diagnosing, or "planting an idea", I would encourage you to discuss your symptoms with a therapist - perhaps online vs in person if that might help alleviate some of the anxiety? - if anything so they might help validate your experiences, as well as discuss a treatment plan tailored for your needs (perhaps this is anxiety, perhaps this is PTSD, or something entirely different, and you deserve to discuss with a professional what your options are for managing your symptoms). I did find two articles (one related to handling medical anxiety, and coping with symptoms in general), and of course we have our page of coping/grounding resources as well. Finally, my only other possible suggestion might be to consider inviting along a trusted individual for moral support for your next appointment. Someone who might help be an emotional support, distraction, but can help encourage you to advocate for yourself, or even for you, if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed (though of course, discuss beforehand what you would like their support to look like for potential ground rules/boundaries). Afterwards, it could be a wonderful way to reward yourself for the mental labor of making it through a difficult moment by going out afterwards with them and doing something fun for you both? If you're not comfortable inviting something along, each medical clinic should have a patient advocate on site (though perhaps good to call ahead to ensure they are working at the time of your appointment), and share that you would like to discuss the option of having them in the room with you for similar support. Regardless, what happened to you should never have, and you deserve medical treatment when it is necessary and I do believe there are supports that might help with that as you move forward along your healing journey. I wish you well during the process, - Mod Kat

#trauma talks #medical abuse #mod kat

[you-didnt]

Ok. I've complained a bit here and there about having long covid but I've never really gotten into detail. Since I just reblogged a post about how most of society has decided to ignore covid I'm going to elaborate on why you don't want to catch it (again).

I, personally, struggle most with a very high heart rate, pain in my legs and cold-like symptoms when I overextert myself (which is called PEM, post extertional malaise, and the symptoms for that can vary too). Most days I just feel "wrong" (I have read people say it feels like being poisoned or microwaved) and fatigued, I have to sleep 10 hours to feel mildly rested. Sometimes there are new things: Last week I had chest pain and a headache that came out of nowhere and left just that suddenly. Due to that, my anxiety and depression have become worse. I'm afraid to move too much because every step could be the one that puts me back in bed again. Right now I've settled between 3k and 5k steps a day, depending on what kind of day it is. I have, comparatively, mild symptoms. I can leave the bed, if it's not a very shit day I can leave the house, my cognitive functions aren't affected, I can go for walks. At my worst I've been moderate. Here's the thing: "Moderate" has been so awful it made me suicidal. And there's hundreds of thousands of people out there who have it worse. It often turns into mecfs, which is a very similar but a lot worse can of worms I'm not going to open right now.

I've read countless stories about long covid. Some people have caught covid at the very beginning of the pandemic and have been struggling with it ever since. Some have healed after a few months, only to relapse after a while (what happened to me last month). That while can be anything between a week and a year. You think you're safe and suddenly it all comes back. It's unpredictable. It's scary. It also changes. Some symptoms leave, some new ones appear. It can affect literally any part of the body, you name it and there's at least one person out there who has developed issues with it after having covid. I'm in the longhaulers subreddit that is slowly approaching 40k members and while discussing symptoms and remedies, a big part of that subreddit is people talking each other out of suicide.

Doctors! Do! Not! Help! (Most of them at least) I know from the disabled community that this, sadly, has always been a thing, but it hurts a different kind of way to experience it yourself. I have a very nice GP who's written me referrals to specialists (who can offer me an appointment sometime in March next year but that's a different story) and who generally believes me, but unfortunately I know more than her about long covid and she can't help me. I begged a different doctor to prescribe me meds that have helped others and she refused and said she could get me a bed in a in-patient clinic for 3 weeks. That clinic (like the doctor in association) believes it's psychosomatic and it should be treated that way, like countless other doctors in every country around the globe. There are several indicators that prove long covid is not psychosomatic. I, just like everyone else struggling with this, know that doing yoga and meditating for 3 weeks isn't going to help and could even make it worse in some cases (remember PEM? That can lead to your baseline becoming permanently worse), that there's something wrong with the body, not just with the mind. But there isn't enough scientific evidence because studies on it (and with it I mean both long covid and mecfs) are criminally underfunded. There are some that look promising, but the scientists working on it say they can't do shit if they don't have the resources.

There is hope. With more and more people being affected (10%-30% of everyone who catches covid) it shifts more into the public eye. The first trial of a very promising looking medication just started in Germany and it might be available by the end of 2023/beginning of 2024. There's some existing meds and dietary supplements that seem to help some. But it's all just trial and error and since doctors don't know anything, all we can rely on is anecdotal evidence. I'm extremely scientific when it comes to these things so I had to... adjust to relying on some peoples experience instead of studies, but just to give you a picture of my desparation: I'm currently taking about 10+ different supplements a day, started doing breathwork exercises (which genuinely seems to help), completely changed up my diet and have gotten a hold of those meds my doctor didn't want to prescribe me another way (still legal, don't worry). I've tried.... fucking Reiki even though I have very strong feelings towards anything anthroposophic. Very few of them are positive. I am feeling a lot better than I did after my relapse a month ago, I have no idea what exactly helped or if it was just resting, but something helped.

Also I'm adding this because I feel like I can't talk about covid without talking about the vaccine: I've been vaccinated. Twice plus the booster. I've always been 100% pro vaxx. But now I have to question getting vaccined for the first time in my life, because there's a considerable amount of longhaulers who got worse after the vaccine. I know we don't like to talk about this because it invites anti-vaxxers to the conversation, but I think this is a conversation we need to have at some point.

So. Yeah. The next time you think "I don't need a mask" think of me and all the others who had a mild infection and didn't get better afterwards. There is a pretty high chance this could be you if you get covid.

#suicide mention tw #illness tw #covid #long covid #50% trauma dump 50% informative thats how we roll

[thattheatretrash]

hi so once again i am turning to tumblr bc idk what else to do

need some chronic pain related advice so if you can relate or know someone who does please read below

little background about me: i've had chronic pain for almost two years now, and still no solid diagnosis. different things have been thrown out there, but a lot of the tests i've had done have come back negative, not significant, or inconclusive. the only thing that was ever yes yes definitely positive was a mri of my thighs that showed inflammation. however, a couple months later when i had a muscle biopsy of my thighs done, they ruled it not significant, and it didn't point to a further diagnosis. my rheumatologist decided to put me on prednisone anyway, and it HELPED SO MUCH. at least temporarily, i'm tapering it now since it's not good to be on long term. but it helped with my energy levels and my pain/numbness/weakness/tingling/burning/tingling pain in my lower body. i definitely couldn't have finished college without it.

recently, i was put on lots of different meds, and i've been have a bad flareup and new weird symptoms since the beginning of the summer. i also started using weed to help manage pain and fatigue and it helped a lot. however, because i've had so many new (and some very severe) symptoms and couldn't tell anymore what was a side effect and was a symptom, i decided to stop/taper every medication/drug that i could about a week ago (with my PCP's help). i'm still adjusting.

however, the thing i'm probably most concerned about rn is my new neurological symptoms that have been progressing. while i've had things like sensory issues or brain fog in the past, it's taken such an intense turn to the point that i'm pretty sure i've started having seizures? i hesitate to say that in case i'm wrong but i've been having them a lot. since stopping my meds, it seems to be helping slightly. my brain doesn't feel as overloaded. but i'm still kind of having them. i did go to the ER for one after i had an episode in the urgent care waiting room, and they did a CT which looked fine. they diagnosed it as a "headache" and told me to call my rheumatologist to get off my mycophelate mofetil since they thought it was contributing (and i think it definitely was, especially to my digestive system issues, brain fog, and weird random i'm so sad but idk why mood swing things).

i guess my question is, for people who have had seizures start developing later in life, how did you know it was a seizure? i mean i've looked up stuff online so i'm pretty sure but of course i can't really be sure. and how do you manage seizures day-to-day?

also, for people with chronic pain in general, how do you get people to believe you? i just feel like everyone is starting to think my pain is psychosomatic, which i think of course, some of it is. everyone experiences psychosomatic pain sometimes, and i do have a history of mental illness. but i actually feel pretty good right now!! and i'm doing everything i can to limit my stress, pay attention to my body, give myself positive affirmations, rest, do some gentle movement throughout the day, sleeping a lot (8+ hours usually) on a regular schedule, trying to eat a decent diet, meditate, stretch, i mean, i am really trying everything i can.

but i just don't know what do sometimes. so any advice, especially from other people with chronic pain, is super appreciated. and thank you for reading all of this if you did. i hope you are having a wonderful day!! here's to the lovely journey of becoming closer and more loving with our bodies.

#chronic pain #chronic illness #chronic health tag #chronically ill #chronic disease #chronic pain advice #disability #drugs mention // #medications mention // #healthcare #fibromyalgia #?? #it's a possibility #idk anymoreeee #myopathy #that's my rheuma thinks anyway #it's my 'working diagnosis' #charlie's letters to a friend #personal #seizures

[deare-diary]

Rough therapy session on Thursday. Therapist suggested I journal as a way of expressing myself, self-care, getting my feelings out. Might as well. I have exactly two (2) people I can actually talk to about all the minutia of my life: my roomie/bestie and my therapist. And I only talk to the therapist once a week, and my bestie seems... frequently preoccupied. So I guess I shall talk to the nobody that is the internet! Shouting into the void. Here we go.

Got one thing off my plate at work yesterday, anyway: that training job I might actually be really good at that I had decided not to apply for because the work load sounded egregious. It seemed like I might have had outdated information on that point and it might not have been THAT egregious. I was feeling completely overwhelmed by having this option back on my plate, and my therapist said to break it down into manageable bits. So I did the bit that involved contacting the person to see if they had different information on the job. Turns out she told me exactly what the first person had told me! Which means that I do NOT want that job right now (I would be totally overwhelmed by it), so I don’t need to apply for it. Phew. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to realize it was not an option. Which is wild when you think about it, because I’m so anxious about money and about not making enough of it, and this job would pay better than my present one by at least $10K! But it’s not worth sacrificing my mental health for 10k. The question is, as I told my supervisor last week, which I’m more anxious about: trying to get a new job or my financial situation.

Anyway, I thought it was really telling that I felt SO relieved to have an option off my plate. Counterintuitive.

Meanwhile, I’m really worried about my whole chronic pain thing. I’ve been dealing with the intense back pain and the carpal/cubital tunnel for like two weeks now. Appointment with the orthopedist on the 19th (this friday). This past week I took at least an hour off EVERY DAY because sitting at my desk is so painful come afternoon. It really worries me (thank God at least that we have unlimited flex time off and a really understanding supervisor?). Two things in particular are worrying me: 1) what if this doesn’t go away, or doesn’t go away for a long time? How is it going to affect my career? and 2) what if this is psychosomatic or at least partially caused by stress? I do parts work in therapy, and we’ve been struggling for WEEKS with this one part of mine that’s sabotaging my therapy by making me dissociate (something that is VERY out of character for me) and says things like that she wants to be unhappy because she thinks it’s the only reason anybody would ever love me, and like... My therapist is very optimistic about this--which I guess in some ways is good, because her optimism is based on the fact that she’s dealt with stuff like this before with other people. But I am NOT optimistic about this. I’m kind of freaking out about it. I feel like my therapy has hit a total brick wall, and I have no idea what’s going to happen next, and I don’t know how to deal with this part of self. And i’m worried that the chronic pain symptoms (which mostly show up when I’m at work, significantly less on weekends/evenings!) might be her sabotaging me somehow. Or I’m so stressed by my (very low-stress) job that it’s triggering a pain response. 

The sudden onset of pain is almost enough to make me start googling again and trying to find a systemic condition causing it, but we have been down that road before (previous diagnoses of lyme disease, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, rheumatoid arthritis, all of which seem to have been blown out of the water) and I’m starting to think that either there isn’t any kind of systemic condition and I’m just fucked somehow, or my orthopedist is right and I have some kind of chronic pain condition that doesn’t have a name and therefore doesn’t have a treatment so I’m just fucked. I just... I feel like every time we seem to get one problem under control (my hip pain), another horrible pain problem spikes up again, and it’s just an endless cycle of physical therapy until I die.

See, this is why I told my therapist I didn’t want to journal: expressing my feelings tends to lead to me engaging in black-and-white thinking and catastrophizing, neither of which makes me feel at all better! I guess I’d better stop. Maybe go have a cry.

#dear diary

[duckymcdoorknob]

Continuing to take @danibby (Ate)’s advice to write out the scenarios that come into my head…

This is very self indulgent Bc I’m absolutely petrified for my auditions Wednesday

Half of this is based on a true story but the whole thing with Asahi ain’t happen, I just had the silent panic attack in a practice room in the band room 💀💀

CW UNDER THE CUT: deep depiction of panic attacks.

Hey, It’s Me.

Ships: Asahi Azumane x gn!reader

Warnings: ⚠️CW: deep description of a panic attack, reader’s mind is mean.

Prompt: As life falls apart, someone notices a few small details and immediately rushes to your aid.

Tags: no tags on this one Bc it’s self indulgent LMAO

The world was spinning. Not only from the bombardment of stress and nervousness on your part, but from the psychosomatic vertigo as a result of the stressors.

Cotton balls lined the inside of your mouth, absorbing any moisture that might be put in there.

Anvils rested angrily on your chest, refusing to budge as you desperately gasped in silent breaths.

You sat subtly gasping, tapping your pencil hastily against your desk as your trembling fingers squeezed at your notebook.

You had to get out.

You just had to.

After begging your teacher to let you go to the another teacher’s room, you practically dashed out of the classroom, leaving all of your belongings behind.

Thank goodness this was your favorite teacher, so they let you go into an enclosed part of their classroom. They didn’t seem to pick up on your hasty beg for a trip to the private area, not at all.

Not when you diddled your fingers through the air, stretching them uncomfortably to have the pain be a distraction.

Not when you tugged desperately at the collar of your shirt.

Almost setting a world record for your exit, you hastily rush past your teacher, avoiding all eye contact as tears begin to blur your vision.

You rush to the room and slam the door, sliding down the next to it.

Broken sobs rip from your throat as you squeeze your eyes shut, sucking in your top lip to keep the sounds at bay.

‘They don’t need you.’

‘They’ll be fine without you.’

‘Everyone’s replaceable.’

‘You don’t have what it takes.’

‘Others are more deserving than you.’

As your mind screams at you, deprecating statements echoing through the room, your vision is inhibited by the wells upon wells of tears falling.

Except when you went to wipe them, you couldn’t…

No matter how hard you tried, you could only sit adjacent to the door and quake as your body shut down. The tears seemed to fall faster, and the anvil on your chest completely crushed your windpipe.

You were suffocating, and you were sure you were going to die.

This was it.

No reason to be worried when you’re just going to suffocate to death.

You squeezed your eyes shut to try and hide from it. So here you sit, eyes squeezed shut, tears still leaking from them, choking on whimpers that emitted from your mouth and trembling in panic. The ringing sound used to replace the void of nothingness only seemed to be deafening.

All alone in a small room, spiraling faster and faster downward. All hope was lost.

Until the doorknob turned.

“H-hey (Y/N)? Are you in he- oh god.”

Before you were given the strength to open your eyes, you felt a hand on your knee.

“Hey, it’s me. Can I touch you?”

A gentle nod from your part resulted in an almost ghost-like touch on your palm.

“You know who it is right? It’s me, Asahi.”

Another nod.

Asahi exhaled slowly and softly, utilizing the utmost caution as to not startle you. He lifted the underside of your hand with his own, brushing along the bottom of it every so gently.

He intertwined your fingers and rubbed his thumb across the base of your own, whispering a heartbroken mantra.

“You’re so much more than you say you are.”

As you open your eyes, still honing blurred vision and a trembling figure, you notice Asahi kneeling before you. His eyes are closed too and he just keeps repeating the statement with different parts stressed.

“A-As-“

“Shh shh, don’t talk yet. You’re not ready.”

A whispered plea escaped your lips, confusing the boy in front of you.

“Please… just hold me.”

No other demand was needed for Asahi to obey your initial one. He wordlessly sat beside you and pulled you into his chest, with one hand placed securely on your waist, and the other still holding your own.

“You’re safe with me. You have absolutely zero reason to worry right now.”

The ace was growing more worried by the second as your shaking body seemed to vibrate more.

He brings your interwoven hands up to his lips and places a feather-light kiss upon yours.

Relief washed over you. Even if it was temporary, it still was enough to give you the push to calm down.

“Rest.” He demands gently, “Take everything slowly.”

As you shift on his shoulder, he brings his chin down to rest on it. He hugs you securely and tightly, reassuring you that nothing could get you when you’re with him.

When things began to calm down, you managed to stutter out two choked questions.

“Hey, A-As-sahi?”

“Mm?”

“H-how’d y-y-you kn-now?”

The ace squeezed the hand he was holding.

“You almost yanked your shirt off by the collar. I figured you couldn’t breathe. That was the first sign.”

You nodded, sniffling.

“You also wiggle your fingers when you get anxious. This time it looked painful when you did it, so I assumed the worst and came to find you right away.”

For the first time in a few days, a warm smile fell across your features. It was like a rainbow poking through a dark cloud.

“Y-you’re t-the best.”

He chuckles softly.

“Rest, (Y/N).” He places a chaste kiss on your forehead and begins to hum a simple melody.

And his hand…

Still in your own, touch as gentle as a flower, with his thumb rubbing the base of your own.

——————✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞——————

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyu #haikyuu asahi #azumane asahi x reader #Asahi azumane #azumane asahi #Asahi azumane x reader #Asahi imagine #Asahi azumane imagine #haikyuu asahi x reader #haikyuu asahi imagine #self indulgence babey #Asahi comfort #tw panic attack #cw panic attack #trigger warning #tw #trigger warning panic attack #panicked #angst #whump #x reader #anxiety #anxious reader #haikyuu comfort #Asahi azumane comfort #haikyuu panic attack

[systematic-advice]

1) just want to say that it's nice to come across another system over the age of 25 - no hate to the younger ones, it's just I'm 28 and it's nice to find someone closer to your own age once in a while

2) Do you, or others, have any advice regarding psychosomatic symptoms due to differences in appearance? Internally I present as a demon, and have wings sprouting from my back. Obviously, these wings do not exist externally. Unfortunately this means that often when I front, I experience discomfort or occasionally pain in the areas on the body's back where my wings would be if they existed. It can make things quite difficult sometimes.

Either way, I hope you're all having a good day today! Thank you.

Hi Anon!

1) It's really good to meet you also! It's always good to meet other adult Systems. I agree that there's nothing wrong with Systems who are minors, but it's always nice to meet others in out age range. I'm very sorry this ask took me a bit to get to, but sometimes it takes a me little while to find the right words.

2) Psychosomatic Pain is always a tricky thing to deal with. From what I gather, most clinicians will recommended Mindfulness-Based Therapy and Intervention alongside Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to treat it. With that said, we’re very aware that most people aren’t in a position to speak to a therapist about this sort of thing. There don’t seem to be a lot of resources on starting mindfulness at home. Sadly there is a lot of gatekeeping in the psychological field. We’re going to link below to what we could find. I’m sorry we don’t have a better answer for you Anon, if we’re being Candid we’ve never actually learned how to deal with this part ourselves. 

I really hope this helps you, or that you’re able to find relief somewhere! We’re also sorry it happens in the first place. Wishing you the best going forward! 

Links: What is MBCT? + 28 Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy Resources - Positive Psychology.com

Applying Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy to Treatment - University of California SF YouTube (This on focuses on Mindfulness and depression specifically, but does do a good job of explaining the techniques. IT was recorded in 2012 for transparency.) 

#🦇 :: on leather wings #An Agony Uncle Speaks #They Asked #DID #OSDD #DID System #OSDD System #System #DIDOSDD #OSDID #Pain #psychosomatic pain #dissosiation #dissosiative identity disorder #otherwise specified dissociative disorder

[nohajwo]

just found a pre-slash from the times when I just started thinking about the plot of sawaranaide (spring of 2019 and me procrastinating writing my bachelor thesis) looking at it now I guess I gotta just toss it away cause it has almost nothing to do with what is happening in the fic now lol (though reading it the third time I think I'll steal a couple of lines) nevertheless, I'll post it here hehe (I'll remove one word as I'm definitely going to still use it in the fic) I also have a first kiss scene but it's just too bad ‘Do not,’ Izaya snapped, ‘touch me.’

‘I just wanted to help you.’

‘You wanted to do what?’ he laughed. ‘Forgot you hate me?’

The weird look ran across Shizuo's face. He lifted his hands slowly, with Izaya in the mirror watching them move in the air, and placed them above Izaya's shoulders, a few mere centimetres between their skins.

‘You want me to help you, that is why I'm here in the first place.’

‘Do not touch me,’ he whispered with a threat, looking him in the eye.

‘I'm not going to,’ Shizuo reassured him. At least his voice sounded reassuring. There still was that look to his face that Izaya could not decipher. ‘Until you let me do that, I will not touch you.’

‘And you're going to stand like that?’

‘Not until the end of times, obviously, but some time, yes.’

‘Why? What are you trying to achieve? My trust? You do not trust me, and I do not trust you, why not leave our perfect mutual relationship be?’

‘I'll be honest with you. Because I saw the different side of yours. The two sides, actually.’

‘What sides are you talking…’ his eyes widened in surprise as he whispered, ‘No. You've got to be kidding me.’

‘Just as you saw a human side of mine that time, I've finally discovered a human side of yours. How to say… I do not hate you that much anymore.’

There should have been laughter after that, Izaya could swear, but none followed.

‘This isn't funny.’

‘Am I laughing?’

‘I do not know what you think you've seen, but I'm still the same. The flea you hate. The dirty Ikebukuro Informant. The–’

‘Izaya,’ Shizuo whispered. ‘I know you are afraid of me.’ Izaya discovered his own hands clenching onto the sweater, shivering like a leaf under the gust of wind. The idea of the beast touching him gave him panic; Shizuo still held his hands above Izaya's bare shoulders. ‘I know I frighten you so much you wake up at night screaming. It would be silly not to notice. Sillier would it be to ignore it. I know that you cannot walk because of what I have done to you. However many times can I say I'm sorry you will not forgive me, that I also know. But I want you to know that the first moment I saw you after your long absence I felt sorry. I felt like I was a monster you always named me. And I am.’

‘You did not kill me,’ interrupted Izaya.

‘But I was going to. And look what I've done to you,’ Shizuo's face distorted with pain. ‘And now you're telling me I'm not a monster, isn't that funny? Where have we gone and what have we become…’

He fell silent, staring in Izaya's eyes. They'd spent a few months together; and Izaya, too, felt that some things changed between them. They both had discovered the sides of each other that they used to ignore. They both were not the monsters everyone around them believed them to be; they were just humans, tired of the life around them, tired of constant hiding from the fuss and just wanting to finally relax a little and spend time on something calm. Even Izaya, who was known for his never-tiring nature, was now tired of everything. The Akukibi situation drained the last remaining strength from him, and now all he wanted was to lean back in the chair and let Shizuo rest his hands on his god darn shoulders so that he could relax and feel the warmth of the body of the person he used to despise.

‘You're surprisingly calm for such a moment,’ smirked Izaya. ‘For a beast that you are.’

‘I'm a beast on a leash right now then.’

‘And what are you tied to? A tree maybe?’

‘Laugh all you can. Really, I… It is hard for me to speak of such matters, you know, I am not a specialist in human relationships, but I– I think I grew kinda fond of you. Here it is, simple as that.’

‘What, you're telling me you don't want us to be blood enemies anymore? What will I do without that, Shizu-chan?’

Izaya felt that was stupid, to try and protect like this, but he did anyway. He knew what Shizuo had told him was mutual of a kind, and that scared him more than Shizuo himself scared him. The pictures of all the time they had spent together since that rainy night in Ikebukuro ran before his eyes.

No, he thought, you are not a monster. You've been protecting me all this time. For a charge or not, no matter. You've saved my life. You've broken me and now you protect me. Isn't that ridiculous, Shizu-chan? What have we become indeed.

‘Why are you telling me all this? You want us to become friends? I have no friends, everyone despises me. I'm a crazy informant that likes to toy with human lives.’

‘I've seen that, and I've seen how you use your skills for good.’

Ah, that. The _____ thing. I knew it would come back at me.

‘So what now?’

‘I don't want you to be afraid of me. That way our work will also benefit.’

Izaya pondered on that. He spent the last year shuddering when seeing blond people in the streets, waking up in the middle of the night from the dreams of Shizuo killing him. He could not walk because of that, if he believed the doctor who had said that it was psychosomatic.

Maybe he was right.

He suddenly understood that Shizuo stood behind him open and honest, not willing to hide anything anymore, not like what he was in the beginning. Something had changed between them drastically. There was something more to their relationship now, something new, something fragile. There was peace.

‘Okay,’ whispered Izaya under his breath. ‘You can.’

Shizuo laid his warm palms on his shoulders, and Izaya sighed lightly. He felt his heart pounding in his thin chest and his arms shivering from fear. He was afraid of what would follow – but nothing followed, the beast just stood there, resting his palms carefully on Izaya's bony shoulders. He felt tension leave his body, and relaxed a little. The touch felt warm and calming.

‘So what now? You see, I'm not running away or anything.’

#sawaranaide #shizaya

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, my life did change a lot a few weeks ago and today I discovered something: I get headaches from loss of control.

So, if I plan something and it doesn't go as planned or if I can't do something I intended to do on that day. If something is out of control. And my headaches are really horrible ones and they trigger my hypochondria which triggers my anxiety and at some point I am in a doom loop.

For example, I planned to go swimming yesterday but couldn't because my bus didn't drive. So the headaches came suddenly and severely. Then I looked up other places to go swimming, with less dependency on the bus, for the future. And my headaches went away completely.

I never had this issue before, I can pretty easily adept to every situation.

I started cleaning all day because it gives me a sense of control so you see, it is really bad xD

Ok no, seriously. I dissociated the whole week with little memory, because some things didn't go as planned and pushed me into a doom loop. And this has been going on for weeks.

I am already looking for a therapist but the waiting lists are months long, best case. Do you have any resources, any ideas, what I can do? Specific things, not just the usual calming methods because I am already doing those daily.

I see no way out, because I'll never be able to control everything so I need to change myself. But idk how.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been dealing with. It can be distressing and painful to deal with headaches on top of situations with unexpected changes. While we are not substitutes for professionals, there are a few different reasons why you may be experiencing this.

One possibility is that you may be experiencing psychosomatic symptoms. When someone gets headaches in stressful or unexpected situations, it could be due to their mind and body connection. Stress or sudden changes can mess with how our brain and body work together. Stress and anxiety release certain chemicals that can narrow blood vessels in our head. That can lead to less blood flowing there, causing a headache. Also, when we're stressed, our brain can make us feel pain more intensely, so the headache might feel even worse.

Another possibility could be that you're a system. Many people with dissociative disorders report experiencing headaches when another part gets close to the front or switches to the front, and switches can occur in stressful situations such as sudden changes of plan. It's also possible that your experiences of dissociating for weeks at a time with little recollection of what happened could be explained by other parts having taken the front.

Depending on what it is you're dealing with, recommendations for how to deal with it may vary. It might be best to get the opinion of a medical professional like a doctor. They can help you handle the physical side of things. Though I certainly understand how long waitlists can be, it's worth considering that a therapist could also help you better understand what you may be dealing with, as well as come up with healthy ways to cope. The input of an expert would be best in a situation like this.

If anyone has any suggestions or comments, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

[seeminglyseph]

I wanna draw something today but I’ve also gotten myself stuck scrolling so we’ll see who wins. but it might just be art of unnamed mads mikkelsen supervillain and kyle the superhero who actually is one of my huge major OCs but he was in an RP and that RP was such a toxic environment I developed vomiting as a psychosomatic stress response so like I’m working on it. (but most of the friends I made in that RP are still super cool and I wanna tell more stories but also like my life spiraled out of control recently so whatever.)

I’m thinking lots about Kyle because of it and like he was definitely a case of accidental self insert. like when you create a character that represents the way you want to be or be seen as? He is very very far from perfect. He comes from a superhero universe where he can like cause skin afflictions when he touches someone. because the line between ‘useless annoyance’ and ‘horrifying in all ways’ is very very small he didn’t use his powers very much... (also like the period of not controling his powers led him to causing harm to a great deal of people. some of which deserved it some of which didn’t. (his mom has baby shaped hand print burns on her arms from when he was a baby and lost control. but she also was the crazy kind of christian who tried to have her child exorcised and then basically abused the shit out of him because she thought he was was physically evil so... it’s complicated.)) but he was also like... beyond dirt poor. he lived in a like pay by the month one bedroom unfinished basement with a mattress on the floor and an old laptop for entertainment purposes. The building ultimately burned down because the heating and wiring was so bad. He worked full time at a gas station making like no money mostly working night shifts, spent all his money on rent and internet and ended up eating little to nothing healthy presenting a very underweight body with severe chronic pain issues. He started a big training regime and moved in to the superhero HQ where he kind of became team manager? He just has a natural inclination towards taking care of people and the team leader had some clear anxiety issues and like..... was an abusive shithead but I’m pretty sure that was accidental (incidentally the person playing that character was the one responsible for the tension and my anxiety and like... was possessive of my characters in a way that left me rather isolated from other people... there was. A lot. To unpack. just some incidental, accidental abusive friendships that I don’t really blame her for because I did not have boundaries and was in the first stages of trying to understand my trauma, so like. idk. she did like seriously hurt a lot of the people in the RP though so like it’s not just a case of me casting blame but it was a really complicated situation that nobody really understood until like.... this year when they got together to comfort me when my dad died and I explained how things were and they realised I wasn’t avoiding them but avoiding getting in trouble for not dedicating my time more to her?

honestly it all gets really confusing but most of it all happened after Kyle got kidnapped by some supervillains one of which..... was the kagicalbinch, but she left pretty much immediately despite starting the rp because she fucking did that. the other grew flowers that had like.... a superhero comic equivalent to the mind control drug? idk. we ended up altering the tone of the RP from like ‘kinda trashy smut’ to ‘basically a soap opera and sometimes a mission happens’ so afterward it was kinda half brushed under the table unless we needed to pull up some hard angst.

but I am thinking of going back to the trash and just creating a scenario that’s allowed to be fully indulgent because it’s not a group RP where I have to worry about everyone’s comfort levels. It’s indulgent trash that I can make up and tag and just.... come what may. So pheromones ‘cause I like the ideas of different scents influencing certain behavior. Thinking stuff like ‘obedience’ ‘lust’ ‘sleep’ ‘sickness’ ‘high’ that sort of effect. combined with a character in his like 50′s - 60′s who functions as a supervillain and is skilled in using his abilities to break down people’s behavior even when he isn’t using pheromones to influence them. (either pavlovian or by fear or placebo or that ‘mind break’ kind of behavior that only really makes sense in fiction where you can just go ‘this person “broke” and now they do whatever the story needs them to do’ you know? idk.) in the RP we pretty much immediately realised the creepy rape storyline was too uncomfortable for a group setting but..... honestly I just wanna make a weird fetish story about my character whose initial inspiration was ‘the shittiest guy you know’

(I didn’t know all the memes about the name Kyle when I named him Kyle, but he was already addicted to caffeine, high school dropout, worst dead end job, insomnia, mattress on the floor stoner type. but because in a way this was all inspired by me especially in my mid twenties only a cis dude who was a fictional character so I had the benefit of forethought before making him speak. (with a metaphor exaggeration bullshit backstory that I made up to justify traits more than like.... to mirror anything. Or because I wanted other OCs to find out about it and go ‘oh shit wait Kyle has depth.’ literally don’t read into it that much that I accidentally made Kyle myself in a way. He was also a creative exercise and a fun way to write dialogue I liked. it did give me a rush that my peers liked him in the game. (his reaction to being kidnapped in the RP, when he regained his wits, was to be so annoying that his basically the same age flighty impulsive kidnapper would just give up on him and let him go. also Kyle’s fear went so hard it turned off and he just started mouthing off instead. I was pretty sure it was a fun trait but I got hit with the ‘you never shut up about yourself’ by the leader in the end and it caused a doubt spiral..... lol being a dialogue heavy writer in an RP that wanted a larger wordcount on posts lead to very talkative characters. I struggled a bit haha)

I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore I’m really quite stoned but I really wanna do something and talk about Kyle more because he’s a very beloved oc

this is my dumb trash boy and I’m going to torture him for fetishistic catharsis

#kyle jamieson #ramble #I'm very stoned and I just wanted to establish the existence and stuff of Kyle #he'd been an RP character for years though the RP fell apart last year and while many of us plan to pick it up again #we're also living in hell and overwhelmed by the world around us #at least I am and it seems the others are too #I still hold them dear and speak to them when I can #anyway I'm trying to make some isolated Kyle content just for me in my own universe with the unnamed 50 something supervillain #so I want to like figure out a way to be like...... drawing scenes that only exist in my imagination #and explain them like they make sense #and also like a little bit of retrospective 'cause since I've been trying to embrace the parts of myself I wanna be I'm embracing a lot of #stuff I put onto this character #even if it's not like 'idealized person' it's like.... a balance of highly anxious yet socially kind of chill and smart in stupid ways #a human being with these flaws that I can appreciate and these features I want to appreciate in myself? #with wittier dialogue and an unhealthily skinny cis dude body covered in tattoos and piercings #because even if it's not a good look it is a look I strongly desire to have #I don't want to be thin to look good I want to be thin to look like a scene kid with a drug problem #what is my issue this only comes up when my brain sees certain other dudes and my brain goes 'i want that to be meeeee' #and it doesn't even make sense it doesn't even look great #it was a fc rp and kyle's was always getting teased because he looks like complete trash 90% of the time #but I was like 'yeah totally totally have not been projecting gender envy onto the is one shitty little man for 10 years yes' #there are some things you realise about yourself and you look at it and just sigh in disappointment #I'm still rambling even though I moved to the tags shit sorry dudes #if you made it this far and want to help name the mads based supervillain lmk #lol or if you have a character prompt for kyle #he's totally shipable 'cause he exists in aus lol #he is non fandom so therefor he is everwhere #though I guess he fits modern or superhero universes best