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forever-rogue · 3 years

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Patricia!! First of all congrats on a new follower milestone! Those are always so exciting and asking and you deserve every one of them! Could I possibly request 39: “I wish we could stay like this forever” and 80: “let’s run away together” from promo list 2 with Oberyn? I love how you write him and would die to see what you do with this 🥺 ily Patricia! And congrats again! ❤️

Anything for you, my love! Enjoy 🥺

(also not necessary but I am a fool - this could totally be read as a slice of life in INO)

Oberyn Martell x Fem!Reader ; warnings: references to sex

Pedro Characters Masterlist

»»————-　♡　————-««

The warmth, golden light filtered in through the sheer curtains, and the fresh, salty smell of the ocean and sound of chirping birds hit you all at once. It was a late, but beautiful and blissful morning and you were loath to get up. All you wanted was to stay here forever, wrapped up in the arms of your beautiful lover. Almost as if he sensed that you were up, you felt him grinning against your skin as he pressed a flurry of gentle, saccharine kisses to your chest and collarbones. You mumbled something into the soft pillow, something about wanting just five more minutes of sleep, but he just chuckled.

“Sleep is for the dead, sunshine,” he murmured as he worked his way up your neck and stopped at your lips.

"I wish we could stay like this forever," a small huff of air escaped your nose as you pouted at him, slowly opening your bleary eyes. You found his soft brown ones, crinkled sweetly in the corners as he grinned at you, studying your face intently, “good morning.”

“Speak for yourself,” you teased him, “it cannot be a good morning if I am being woken up at such an ungodly hour!”

“Ungodly hour,” Oberyn laughed - a twinkling, beautiful sound - before laying back down and pulling you on top of him. You made a small sound of surprise at the sudden motion, but quickly quieted down when you felt his warm, bare body against yours. His golden skin on yours was delicious and warm, soft and strong at the same time, a perfect juxtaposition - just like him. You laid your head onto his chest, “it is almost the afternoon, sweet girl, it’s hardly ungodly.”

“Why can I not enjoy the day in bed with my prince?” you sighed softly, running a hand through his dark curls, “why should I allow the world to part me from my lover in such a manner?”

“Unfortunately the world requires us to be present,” he chuckled as kissed the top of your head. You huffed lightly although you understood what he meant. You'd always known - from the moment you had met the handsome prince.

“And what’s more important? The world or me?” you joked as he grazed his fingers up and down your spine, leaving a wake of gooseflesh under his fingertips. You sighed into his touch before pressing a few kisses to his bare chest.

“You, of course,” he promised, “and you have me always, first and foremost. But sometimes the world needs their prince.”

"And what about me?" you said softly as his large hands landed thoroughly on your backside, giving the firm flesh of your ass a squeeze. You giggled wildly before turning to look up at him and grabbing his jaw, "play fair!"

"I am," he insisted as you kissed him, "you will always manage without me. For the world needs their prince, but what is a mere prince to the queen?"

"Shut up," you groaned at him before moving to sit up so you were straddling his lap, his body humming with gentle love under yours, "you are not even a prince - only a mere fool!"

"A fool for you," he insisted softly as his hands found purchase on your hips. You beamed at him, golden as the sunlight and causing his heart to melt, "let me show you how a queen - my queen - is treated."

"Oberyn," you gasped slightly as his hands wandered up your body and to your breasts, "I thought we had to get up and rejoin society?"

"I've changed my mind," he grinned, "the prince needs you instead."

»»————-　♡　————-««

"Its beautiful here," you were sprawled out on the lush, soft blanket, soaking up as much sun as possible. You were near the edge of the stunning lake, secluded and alone, as you listened to the soft lapping of the waves onto the shore. It was so serene and blissful, for a few moments you almost forgot that a world outside of this place existed.

Oberyn hummed in content as he popped a few fresh, plump berries into his mouth. He grabbed a particularly plump looking strawberry and held it out to you, dangling it just in front of your lips. You made a show of taking a large bite from the berry, letting the juice dribble from your lips and down your chin. He tuttled lightly before using his thumb to collect the juices and holding it out to you.

Grabbing his wrist, you pulled his thumb into your mouth before sucking it clean before slowly releasing it with a loud pop. He grinned at you, before pulling you in for a kiss.

"You are a very tantalizing little thing," he licked across your bottom lip, savoring the sweetness that lingered. You grinned against him before pulling away and lying back down on the blanket. Oberyn watched you for a few moments before lying next to you, his large hand grabbed yours and he defty laced your fingers together, "you're thinking much too loudly."

"I am doing nothing of the sort," you shrugged innocently, keeping your eyes closed in order to shield them from the sun - and Oberyn. He had a knack for being able to read every thought and feeling almost as if he was able to see into your soul. Naturally, there were a million things running through your mind at once, but you weren't going to tell Oberyn any of that - not yet anyway, "perhaps you're being too analytical."

"It wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of such a thing," he snorted in laughter, "but I, my sunshine, am also able to read to you - easily. Tell me what's going on in that pretty head of yours."

"And if I refuse to speak my peace?"

"Then I shall be forced to pull it out of you," he insisted softly as he brought your hand to his lips and pressed a delicate kiss to your knuckles. Sighing contentedly, you rolled onto your side so you could properly face him.

And he was beautiful - so stunning in his golden glory. He was older now, than when you'd first met him, calmer after everything he'd survived in King's Landing, even more wise and world weary than the best men. Which you supposed he was; a man with words as sweet as roses or sharp as hawthorne - it was easy to see why everyone fell at his feet, but he still reminded them of why he was the Red Viper.

The soft brown of his eyes, flecked with gold in the light, always seemed to betray him. At least to you anyways. His hair was longer these days, softer much like him, lightened by the sun and flowing into luscious curls. His facial hair has greyed slightly (from keeping up with all of the kids he always claimed), and he was more...him.

You'd always loved him, from the day he seemed to save you from a life of uncertainty and domineering men. But it has been a privilege to watch him grow, to see him become the best version of him - it was always thanks to you, he claimed, a guise you greatly disputed. But you loved him - your husband - more than the moon and all the glittering stars in the night sky.

Playing with you a lock of his soft hair, you continued to brush off the insinuation that anything was wrong, "nothing is the matter, Oberyn. I am merely enjoying the private company of my husband."

“And yet there is so much going on in that mind,” he mused, as you shrugged innocently, “so much buzzing, I’d think we were in Honeyholt and tending to the bees. My dear sunshine, you should know better by now - when have I ever let such a thing go?”

“You are incessant,” you groaned lightly, but appreciating the care and concern nonetheless, “it is silly - a mere folly that should not even worry me and alas, here I am.”

“If it matters to you, then it is not a mere folly,” he promised, “you can tell me anything.”

“I know,” you agreed with a small. You sat up slowly pulling your knees to your chest as you looked out into the sparkling water. Oberyn followed suit before moving to sit in front of you, putting his hand under your chin and turning your face up to his. He almost left you breathless with his easy beauty and warmth, “it’s just...I like this. Just you and me, no one else around, no worries, no duties. I...I hate to think once we return home it will all cease to exist - you will be forced to your duties, as I understand you must, and I? Well, I suppose I will be your dutiful wife, hoping and wishing for a chance to see her husband.”

“Then I suppose we should run away, shouldn’t we?”

“I...Oberyn...what?”

“I’m serious,” he insisted softly as you just laughed at his idealistic ways, “let’s run away together, even if just for a while. No one has to know...and when we are ready we shall return.”

“That is a temporary solution for a permanent problem, my love,” you gave him a weak smile before pulling out of his touch, “what about when we return to Dorne?”

“Always so serious, my sunshine,” he chuckled softly as you huffed at him, “you must ruin every little surprise, mustn’t you?”

“I have done nothing,” you insisted, sticking out your tongue at him, “all I do is care about my husband and I am teased and punished for being woeful and caring!”

“You have not been teased -”

“I have too, Oberyn Martell!”

“I will make it up to you, sweet girl,” he praised with a glint in his eye, “however, whenever, and wherever you should fancy. Now - will you let me finish?”

“I have not been-”

“Your prince demands it.”

“Well your queen insists that she hasn’t been doing anything of the short,” gave him a little smirk, “but go on and tell me about this so called surprise.”

“When we return home to Dorne, things will be different,” he promised as you raised your eyebrows in question, “I have been thinking, and don’t even say a word, and I think it’s time for me to...take a step back and let Doran and Arianne, as his heir, handle things from now. I am getting tired...weary, of all these tasks that should be left to the next ruler. Besides, Arianne is more than ready to take over. I think I should quite enjoy a quiet, leisurely life.”

“Oberyn,” your mouth dropped and formed a small o as you studied him to try and see if he was being honest. A smile tugged on the corners of his mouth before he broke out in a wonderful grin. You leaned over and kissed him, unable to stop yourself, “do you mean it? Please tell me this isn’t some sort of cruel joke.”

“I would never do such a thing,” he whispered as he pulled you into his lap and you wrapped your arms around his neck, “I just think...it’s time. Besides, there is nothing more I want than to spend my day with you, and the girls - think of all the things we can do. There are still ways to help our people, but we will do it together.”

“You continually amaze me,” a single tear, this one of nothing but happiness and love had rolled down your cheek as you pressed your forehead against his, “and I will never know what I did to deserve you, and I will be forever grateful to the universe for bringing you to me.”

“Now you’re just flattering me,” he reached up and gently wiped away the tear, “for it should be the other way around. I take it as though you are not opposed to the notion?”

“Not at all,” you smiled softly, “I could have asked for nothing better.”

“Then what do you say?” his hand found the back of your neck as he gave you a gentle squeeze, “shall we run away? To Essos - the Summer Isles - far away from everything? Only to return when we decide we are ready to?

“Yes,” you eagerly agreed, delighted by the prospect of spending the days and nights at your husband’s side, without a care in the world, “I want nothing more.”

“Then it is settled,” he promised, “now, will you let me show you every way in which I love you?”

“Oberyn!” your face flushed with warmth as you looked around to make sure no was within ear shot, “we are out in the open! Anyway could...see.”

“And that is not our problem,” he shrugged simply, “we have told them not to disturb us, hopefully they heed our advice. But now, sweet girl, you are all mine.”

“Always,” you promised softly, “I am forever yours.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

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#oberyn martell #oberyn martell x reader #oberyn martell x you #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader #got #oh my sweet prince #forever-rogue's follower celebration

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consumedkings-archive · 3 years

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“ i thought you only had eyes for me. ” serve us some unholy trinity queen xoxo

oh!!! hello dove!!! thank u for gracing my inbox i am SO unworthy but so happy to try and provide you some content!! i hope you don’t mind that i combined yours and @shallow-gravy’s requests.... they just felt like they fit so well together, i couldn’t resist (ಥ﹏ಥ)

iii. vicious traditions ✤ the unholy trinity

john/elliot/diana + “i thought you only had eyes for me” and “i can’t stop picturing you with her” or: a dissertation on “Mine is a noun if you capitalize it” john seed struggling to reconcile sharing his wife and also having more of what he Wants. taken from this prompt list!

word count: 1.8k

warnings: language, sexual themes, but nothing explicit. as always, herald!elliot and john deserve their own warning. ✧･ﾟ also i only sort of proof read this so APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE

The first time Elliot kisses Diana, John thinks about it for three days after.

He’s known. Of course, he’s always known, because Elliot made it perfectly clear why she wanted the deputy from the get-go. I like her, she’d said, a phrase normally reserved for the most puzzling of obstacles. It’s not a game, isn’t fun if she doesn’t have to work for it, and on that front he and Elliot differ entirely—he would prefer Diana Baker’s complete and utter submission, in written and verbal form, handed over in a glass frame so that he can hang it on the wall in the bedroom to admire as he pleases.

In a way, he does. Each time there is a violent collision, each time their mouths and teeth meet, he holds onto it for a while—keeps it for himself, even though his wife is pacing herself, even though she reprimands him for rushing, for pushing Diana too far too fast.

Conversely, Elliot wants to work for it. She wants to get her hands dirty, elbows deep in the gore of Diana, the filthy fucking carnivore that she is, and normally John would love it; normally, it’s one of his favorite things about his wife, that she’s so willing to get the blood up to her elbows, no gloves required. Normally, he likes watching her sink her teeth in—but it’s different, now.

Diana is different.

She has always been different. She is the exception to every one of their rules. They had taken lovers, before, to share—this was not new—but they had never taken someone permanently, not the way that Elliot wants Diana (and the way that John wants the deputy, too). They would have never tolerated this kind of blatant disrespect from anyone, not even a pretty little viper skittering through their garden.

But they do; whenever she takes something, Elliot will just go out and take it back. She’ll go out and build a new silo—it doesn’t replace the product, but what can you do—or she’ll pay the viciousness back, in turn, another way. Hit them somewhere else. They’re incapable, nearly, without Diana—so if she’s all the way in the Henbane, who’s going to pay attention to poor Fall’s End?

It goes like this, on and on, vicious cycles before Diana eventually finds herself back there. This evening, John expects no change of pace, but when Diana enters the room, Elliot’s eyes fix on her; he feels like the outside party, the interloper, because the blonde clicks her tongue and brings Diana, bloodied and bruised, to her with delicate fingers.

“Let me see,” Elliot says, the pads of her fingers tilting Diana’s chin up, smoothing along the pillar of her throat. John can only watch—memorizing the way Elliot touches her, different than the way Elliot touches him, both because he wants to covet the image in his mind for as long as possible and because, like watching a car crash in motion, he cannot look away.

And he cannot look away when his wife guides the deputy’s face to hers and kisses her, either.

It’s not even a particularly enticing looking kiss, really. It’s nothing more than a chaste brush of lips, with all of the desexing of a kiss from the Pope, but the intent and the message behind it is clear, because Elliot’s eyes look to him pointedly.

See? The kiss says, his wife’s thumb coming up to drag on Diana’s lower lip, making the brunette’s breath hitch in her throat. See how good she is for us?

So yes, he can’t stop thinking about it. Not that night, and not the morning after, when Diana has left in their sleep—a shorter visit than usual, perhaps spooked by the physical intimacy, strange and alien in comparison to the way that John and her have locked lips before—and there is a whole conflict of emotions occurring in him for another two days after that.

I do like that she’s good for us, he thinks, watching Elliot at the vanity, pulling her hair back from her face. He does like it, he does like that Diana Baker comes back to them time and time again, but Elliot is their bridge—she’s the go-between, and this slow progress means that John has become the interloper.

“What is it?” Elliot asks, watching him through the mirror. She’s given up trying to put her hair up in a ponytail and instead now sits, cinched in a silk robe, chin in her hand as she gazes at him.

His mouth twists. He shifts back against the pillows. “I can’t stop picturing you with her.”

The blonde’s eyes don’t flicker, not even a little bit. Not a sliver of softness in her expression. She doesn’t move to comfort him—and she wouldn’t, but he wishes, sometimes, that she would come to him more readily; but any emotion, any feeling, makes her feel deranged, makes her feel seen, and one of those is worse than the other—but rather watches him.

“That’s the point, isn’t it?” Elliot smooths a strand of hair from her face. “For you to think about your girls? Together?”

John’s mouth plants itself in a frown. “I’m not being funny, hellcat.”

“What’s so different?” she says at last.

“What do you mean?”

“Well.” It’s her turn to shift carefully moving some items on the vanity out of the way—trinkets, kept from her childhood. “What’s so different this time?”

“It’s—she’s yours,” John posits.

“Noelle was mine,” Elliot says plainly. “You loved Noelle. You called us your little wolves.”

“Yes, well—” He sits up, swallowing. “It’s different.”

Elliot turns in her seat so that she’s looking at him now, and he can see it—the brows furrowing, the defiant tilt of her chin in his direction. “So I’ve gathered.”

“Elliot—”

“But I’m asking what makes it different.”

“It’s different because you picked her!” John snaps, finally, the hot spike of emotion flaring in his chest. “You singled her out. She’s your—”

“Our.”

“She’s not mine,” he manages out, voice bridging on strained. “She’s not, and you know that. And you want her for longer. It’s always just been a little while, and you want to keep her, don’t you?”

Elliot stares at him. “Don’t you?”

Yes, John thinks, furious, mouth dry. Yes, I do. I want her for-fucking-ever, the same way I want you, until the cold black fucking end. I want her forever, just like you, and she won’t fucking have me.

“I thought you only had eyes for me,” he says instead.

The blonde sighs, coming to a stand finally—at last—coming to him, crawling onto his lap.

“I have eyes,” she murmurs, draping her arms around his shoulders, “for us.”

John exhales through his nose. It’s more complicated than that. It’s more complicated because Elliot so easily fits with Diana—even in the beginning. Elliot’s strange juxtaposition between Diana and John afforded her a comfortable advantage on both playing fields, as it does now; and maybe he’s jealous of that, too, that his wife, beautiful and charming and deadly in equal parts, is somehow reeling Diana in better than he could. With less carnage.

It should be him. He should be the one winning Diana over, drawing her to them, presenting her to Elliot as his conquest, his gift, for them to both enjoy. And no matter which way, she always bucks against him.

“Honey,” Elliot says, her voice soft. “I’m your wife. And she’ll be our wife. Don’t you want that?”

Dropping his head against her shoulder, he lets her card her fingers through his hair. “Yes,” he manages out. “I do.”

“Then let me get her for us, baby.” The blonde’s words are light. “What’s mine is yours, so if I get what I want, then we get what we want.” Her lips brush against his temple as his arms wind around her. “You’re always doing everything for me. Trust me to do this for you.” Another pause, and then: “For us.”

His chest feels tight. He thinks, no, I have to do it, you asked me, and he thinks, I don’t like sharing my wife, and he thinks, I want her too, I want Diana too.

And he thinks, yes, please, do this for me.

“I do,” he says, into the crook of her neck. “I trust you.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

It’s late; the sky is speckled with stars and dark clouds, promising a storm on the way even amidst the humid summer heat, and John is exceptionally tired.

This isn’t the first time he’s stayed late at the compound, listening to Joseph’s furious whispers, and it certainly won’t be the last. But now he’s home, and his shoulders ache and burn with the tension of having driven himself home, and the last thing that he wants to do is think about anything.

However, as he enters the bedroom, he’s surprised to find not one viper in his bed, but two.

“You’re home,” Elliot says, her voice sweet; thick and syrupy and laden with what he can only assume are the remnants of red wine from the empty glass on the bedside table. “We missed you.”

He looks at Diana. She seems less pleased at his presence, but there is a tenuous curiosity; Elliot’s said something to her, done something, but there’s no reeking floral scent of Bliss, and there’s clarity in both of their eyes. No games here, he thinks, even as he tentatively crosses the distance between the doorway and the foot of the bed.

“Did you, now?” John asks, shrugging out of his jacket.

“One of us, anyway,” Diana says, the bite in her voice not at all lessened by the humidity of the room.

His wife smiles at him, and she tilts Diana’s face towards hers and kisses her—long and languid and open-mouthed, and he watches her pearly teeth dig into the deputy’s lower lip. A rebuke. She’s done it to him plenty of times; seeing her do it to Diana spikes something wretched and desirous in him.

Against the brunette’s mouth, Elliot says, “Don’t be cruel, honey. John’s been working hard.”

She beckons John with a crook of her fingers, and of course, he obeys, slides onto the bed and lets Elliot hook her fingers into the front of his shirt so that she can undo the first few buttons.

“Diana’s been working hard, too,” Elliot murmurs. “But we’re going to take care of her, aren’t we?” She looks at Diana, lips kiss-reddened and gaze hungry—and he can tell that the deputy’s in a mood, like maybe she can’t quite get the taste of blood out of her mouth, and he likes it. “Do you want that, baby?”

The brunette’s eyes flutter. She swallows thickly, hesitating. “I—” Diana begins, and she looks like she wants to say yes but that stubborn, obstinate nature of hers, purposefully obtuse for the sake of raking up his ire, is rearing its head.

“John.” His wife’s voice is saccharine. She moves lithely, sitting behind Diana, letting the brunette lean back against her a little. “Are you going to show the deputy how nice we can be?”

His chest is pleasantly tight, at the vision of them—his vipers, perfectly entangled, eyes fixed on him. Not so much an interloper, anymore.

John leans in, tilting Diana’s chin up; there’s a second of hesitation where he thinks maybe she’s going to balk, throw nails and teeth to get out from between them, but Elliot grazes her mouth along the brunette’s neck and purrs, “Let us take care of you,” and the brunette’s body relaxes, just a little, just that much where he can lean in and kiss her.

And kiss her, and kiss her, in a way that he’s never been able to before. Luxuriating in it. Tasting the ash and blood and red wine in her mouth, and liking it.

“So good,” he hears Elliot praise silkily, when their kiss breaks. “We have the loveliest little viper, baby.”

“Yes,” John agrees, and his voice is rough as it comes out of him, the electricity palpable. “We certainly do.”

Diana watches him for a moment, her fingers knotted in Elliot’s hair, before she leans forward and captures his mouth in a kiss more punishing than the last, with more teeth and heat; he can hear his wife sighing delightedly into the brunette’s skin, and for the first time, it feels most apt to say we have and not you have.

Ours, John thinks, mind fuzzing pleasantly in the static aftershock of Diana’s kiss.

Our little viper.

#my writing #tomexraider #otp: the unholy trinity #baaaaabies #i loooooooooooove them #they live rent free in my head 24/7 #working with their weird little dynamic is challenging but SO FUN #also #jess I WAS GONNA HAVE YOU PROOF THIS BUT I WENT WILD AND IMPULSIVELY POSTED #I HOPE IT'S OK #writing prompts #shallow-gravy

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firewoodfigs · 3 years

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(long post, but I’m gonna try and make journalling a thing in 2021 😆)

The first day of the new year was nice. :) I woke up to the sounds of rain crashing against my windowsills - a strangely chilly morning in this tropical country where it’s summer all year round. For a moment it felt like I was back in Canada again, all cloudy grey skies and whimsical rain - the perfect weather for introspection.

I started my day with a pot of hot green tea, then settled down by my reading lamp to finish a book that I’ve been putting off for far too long - Steinbeck’s East of Eden. I only had about forty pages left, but somehow couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I hate when books end because it feels like that little world I’ve created and compartmentalised in my head has likewise ceased, but the good thing about books is that you can always re-read them and immerse yourself in the same fantasy. (Maybe even a different one, if the same words lend themselves to a different interpretation!) But it truly was an absolute masterpiece: such a stunning, intricate exploration of humanity that tugged at my heartstrings and led me into still waters of reflection. I know that I will definitely carry this tale in my heart for a long, long time to come.

Afterwards, I had some instant ramen while watching The Queen’s Gambit. I’m not a big fan of watching shows usually because I often feel like they move too slowly or tend to miss details from the book, but this one is pretty exceptional. Like, the acting and the artistic direction are incredible - the constant juxtaposition between Beth’s traumatic past and her glorified present, and the exploration of the fallibility of genius were executed so brilliantly. Another thing that really stood out to me were the scenes where she’d hole herself in the toilet and rebuke herself aloud for weaknesses in her play and/or being weak, in general. I cannot begin to explain how many times I’ve done that to myself in law school for even the most trivial of infractions, the most minor of errors - Lord knows I’m my harshest critic.

I promised to try, however, to be a little bit kinder to myself in 2021. My perfectionism tends to be a bar to goodness and growth because sometimes I get so afraid that my subconscious keeps demanding that my first draft has to be perfect. But it really doesn’t. That’s what editing is for. And writing, like any other talents and passions, requires nurturing and constant practice. I saw a quote yesterday about how we cannot just sit around and magically expect to be Faulkners overnight, and that is so true. I definitely need to find a sweet spot where I’m not berating myself to the point of giving up, but still demand growth so that I can keep bettering myself.

In the evening I headed out to a friend’s for tacos, which were an absolute delight in itself. And then my bf and I got to walk his dog, who I am convinced is the most precious thing in the entire universe - maybe even more so than my bf himself (I kid... or maybe not) - and who is just such a gentle-natured darling. It began to drizzle, so she led us home and we spent the rest of the night playing Sherlock and Among Us with the rest. :) It was a very peaceful evening. For a moment I’d forgotten all about the fact that I start work next Monday and was simply content to bask in the Christmas lights, the heavy downpour and the anomalous chill that came along with it. Just... living in the present, enjoying the moment.

Now that’s definitely something else on my to-do list for 2020 as well. So often the beauty of the present tends to be marred by my worries and anxieties of the future, but I always remind myself of this quote from Scripture: “Which one of you, by worrying, can add another day to his life?” And when I look back at my life and all the times I’ve worried and fretted and cried, feeling like there was no way for us to extricate ourselves from this rut, this perennial cycle of debt and other things that have plagued me from birth, I am also reminded of God’s grace and providence that has brought me through so, so much. It would’ve been impossible to have done all of this by myself; I frankly might not have had the will to continue living if not for those things.

Talking about my lived experiences also ties in to the last part of my day - where I thought about how exclusive and inaccessible the poetry scene here feels. You would think otherwise, in a country of no more than 5-6 million folks, but no. I was ranting about this a little to my boyfriend: how it feels like a lot of the spaces within are reserved for the elites of society with silver spoons in their mouths and golden plates on their tables offering them anything they wanted while I was struggling to put food on the table at fourteen. Sometimes I also lament the fact that I didn’t have my parents to tell me bedtime stories, to encourage me to read and cultivate my vocabulary. Perhaps it’s jealousy, or inferiority, or a mix of both.

But my boyfriend, ever wise and supportive, offered me a different perspective. He made a fair point about how I still fell in love with books and writing regardless, and how literature is oftentimes only a harbour that the privileged visit because the marginalised, the poor are too busy working for basic necessities to even think about such things. To the ordinary blue-collar layperson, poetry is just frankly a frivolous sentiment that won’t turn itself into gold. I agree with this wholeheartedly. It’s one of the reasons why I always felt like I didn’t have time to write, and one of the reasons why my first job was at a library (so I could read as much as I wanted! For free!). Then he said, “But see, no one wants to read about the rich waxing poetic about how lovely and grand their sunny little island is. But people will want to read about your perspective - your poems of the brokenhearted clinging on desperately to their inner child, your poems about the poor working to make ends’ meet, your poems about your tangible struggles - all of those will resonate with the masses, for sure.” And I was like, well, that’s fair. But I certainly don’t express myself as eloquently as these people do. Next to them I’m like an uncultured swine who can’t even tell the difference between all the different forks splayed on the table.

His response was that people need to understand these things before appreciating them, and sometimes simplicity works best - a lesson that’s been drilled into us from the very inception of law school. And I was like, okay, fair, but deep down my heart was exploding with the sheer warmth of having someone so incredibly supportive of everything I do, even if it’s worthless in society’s eyes. I remember one night when I was telling him about how, as a twelve-year-old, I had a dream to one day study Literature at Yale. I would hole myself up in the library after school, feverishly flipping through books to expand my imaginations and horizons, my mental dictionary of words, dreaming about the day where I could escape all of this and dwell in nothing but imaginative worlds one day. Where reality failed me, I knew that I could always count on my imagination to transport me to somewhere safe and special, filled with joy and sorrow and tragedy and hope.

I ended up studying law. Not a bad thing, because as stressful as it was I really did enjoy the things I’ve learnt - international and constitutional law, especially - and it has certainly given me new, mature perspectives on so many things; taught me to argue with reason and objectivity instead of just emotion and passion and has led me to meet so many wonderful (also trashy, but I’m out of this hellhole) people. I just don’t like the fact that 80-hour work weeks are the norm and that there’s always so much to... read. If you gave me a piece of fiction I could happily indulge in it for hours, but sometimes judgments can be so ridiculously mundane to read, especially if they’re just itemising every single case on illegality from the 19th century. Lord knows I need at least two cups of coffee for that. Black, to be specific.

Anyway, I digress (as I always do lmao). My bf ended up researching all night until he stumbled across this Literature programme at Harvard - which frankly sounds amazing, but also unattainable. Which was what I said. And he was like, “Do I think it’s impossible? No. I think you have a very compelling life story, and you’re full of amazing stories within you to tell. And if you want to do it, I will support you wholeheartedly.”

Again, as is usually the case, I had nothing left to offer apart from muted sobs under my blanket. It still sounds absurd to me - unthinkable, even - but I am just so, so grateful to have someone like him support me through everything. Literally everything. This is the man who has spent hours tutoring me in the subjects that I was hopeless in in first year, because I was too busy tutoring random folks in economics and geography and catching up on sleep (in class, no less), who has patiently helped me prepare for every single mooting competition and watched every single one of them, who has seen me cry and admonish myself for being a failure (only to spend hours trying to convince me otherwise), who has celebrated every single one of my victories and losses - you deserve a treat, anyway! Let’s go eat something nice and put it behind us, for now! This is the same man who has so much passion for what he does, who is so darn good at it without even realising that he is (I wept when he won a mooting competition this year because I was so proud of and happy for him), and who inspires confidence and compassion in me every day.

I am grateful to share all our triumphs and tribulations together, and I look forward to starting a new chapter in life with you. :)

#this was a very long shitpost but if u made it to the end kudos to u!!! HAHAHAHA #also a rainy morning again so I am in the mood to ramble oops :')#might have spiralled outta control hehe #sorry to any1 who follows me for fma content LMAO #haven't been posting much fma content but I promise there is smt coming this weekend #maybe a new update of memento amare...#me being all dramatic: IT IS FINISHED *presses enter key with a flourish*

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heyheyhaydn · 4 years

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I wanted to write about the Tigger Movie so I wrote about the Tigger Movie.

The Covid-19 pandemic, admittedly, has caused me to revisit a lot of older films and shows that I remember watching when I was much younger. I remember one night in the Xth week of lockdown where me and my friends dug deep and searched for all the old intros of shows we remembered on Youtube, just to get that hit of nostalgia, to retreat to features and shows that reflect more straightforward times of childhood where the weight of the world and responsibility weren’t so heavy, or confusing.

Winnie the Pooh itself is a series that bases itself around the finiteness of childhood. Christopher Robin has to grow up. The theme tune suggests that he has already grown up and all the adventures are viewed with that same nostalgia of one’s own childhood. Previous films of the Winnie the Pooh series muse on the What Comes Next of growing up and leaving your childhood fantasies behind.

I’ve not met a person yet who hasn’t been at least slightly familiar with Winnie the Pooh while growing up, whether that be the original stories by A.A. Milne, the animations and films by Disney, or even through online memes. The one feature that I’d say exemplifies how nostalgic the Winnie the Pooh series is to me is Disney’s The Tigger Movie.

The Tigger Movie never really left me, I think. I remember the banner adverts at my local cinema, where the main cast, clad in Tigger-orange-and-black-stripe liveries, were on springs and would ‘bounce’ with every movement behind concessions, and it was one of the last VHS tapes on my shelf before they were all moved about and ingloriously exiled to boxes under the bed. I remember watching it in Screen 1, where I’d be leaning over the edge of the railings and watch as the songs boomed, and the avalanches fell around the cast.

As you can probably tell from the title, lockdown summoned The Tigger Movie back into my memory, and with the advent of Disney+ and the library of Disney and non-Disney stuff it had, it was on my Watch List very quickly.

THE ONLY ONE

The Tigger Movie is pretty stunning because it centers around the deeper existentialism of the character Tigger. Tigger himself is the archetype for chaotically cheerful and energetic characters, a patron saint of upbeat innocent child-like arrogance, a source of optimism, he is the personification of BOUNCE as a word.

But the movie takes the concept of Tigger’s own theme song and tips it on its head. Tigger brags and boasts that the most wonderful thing about tiggers is that he’s the only one. But… is that truly wonderful? Of course it is, he’s wonderful and unique, but… he is the only one. Tigger’s own uniqueness puts him at odds with his more sedate friends who lack his energy, he’s an outsider. Tigger himself was introduced after the rest of the main cast, and as a result was not namechecked in the Winnie the Pooh theme until 2011’s Winnie the Pooh. Even in spite of being one of the most iconic characters from the series, he is still an outsider.

There is an innate sadness in the film through this investigation. The animation of Tigger through the emotional moments uses every line on his face to push his sadness to extremes especially considering that this is Tigger, the established energy ball of optimism. The movie is set in the liminal space of autumn’s change to winter, matching Tigger’s own orange and white palette and giving the whole film a warm, nostalgic glow, but this also allows the film to fully invest into the inevitability of change, and the loneliness of growing up.

FAMILY AND THE PAINS OF GROWING UP

Tigger waits in the snow for a letter that will never come, he walks through a snowstorm, the juxtaposition of Tigger in his height in the warmth of autumn against his low in the cold of winter makes his loneliness even more palpable.

The film’s theme is about family. Tigger wants to find his family - to find others like himself - but doesn’t recognise that he has a family in his friends. Roo looks up to Tigger and hangs to his every word, and wishes he was his little brother. Kanga and the others all decide to be the family that Tigger doesn’t have by pretending to be tiggers like him, their determination to make Tigger feel better supersedes their own preparations for winter.

But it’s also a coming of age story. Tigger grows up. He is exposed to some harsh truths throughout the narrative. He is the only tigger, his friends deceived him through good intentions, the idealised family tree he dreams of is fantasy, he feels the weight of his world on his shoulders… BUT… he is not alone. His friends all come together to remind him that they are always there for him through his highs and lows.

THE SUPERFICIAL vs. THE REALITY

The story also has a lot to say about superficial expectations vs. reality. In Tigger’s Dream Sequence Musical Sequence ‘Family Tree’, Tigger dips into the fantastical history of his imaginary family, which includes Tigger-themed pastiches on the Birth of Venus and other paintings, the Brady Bunch, Jackson 5, Don Quixote, a Marylin Monroe ‘Tiggerella’ Seven Year Inch-ing into the stratosphere from her billowing dress, and ultra-skinny supermodel Tiggers, replete with the Tigger lantern-jaw. The outlandish nature of this pop culture imagery amplifies how much of a superficial fantasy Tigger’s dream is and shows how out of place it is in the world Tigger inhabits.

The animals of the Hundred Acre Wood all try to come up with a plan to live up to this fantasy. In the song sequence ‘How To Be A Tigger’, the friends spend the first verses musing how to become Tigger to more superficial aspects of Tigger as a character. Upon reflecting, they realise that the reality of being Tigger is not in his stripes, his idiolect of ‘TTFN’s and ‘hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!’s, or his dislike of eating honey, it’s in his ability to fill everyone with happiness with his cheery nature.

Tigger’s family tree itself fits this theme. After a conversation with Owl; Tigger, being naive and innocent, presumes that a family tree is a literal tree for the whole movie, rather than it being the metaphorical branching lineage that family trees actually are. In the final act, Tigger finds a tree striped with snow and determines that it’s his Family Tree, a location he should wait at for his real family.

The stripes on the tree, much like the tigger costumes his friends adorned and the ‘family heirloom’ locket, are superficial. But, in choosing it as his Family Tree, and Tigger using it as their shelter from the avalanche, the literal becomes the metaphor as the tree he chose as his family tree protects his friends, the family that he chose as well. The ‘family heirloom’ locket is also imbued with meaning through Tigger’s own determined attachment to it, and eventual use of it to store a picture of his ACTUAL family. Tigger chooses his family and the things that protect and represent them and I think the finding the meaning in the meaningless things by giving it to them yourself really fits the themes in the movie.

TO ANIMATE A TIGGER

The animation, of course, is wonderful to look at with the more discerning eye of adulthood. Going frame-by-frame through shots allows you to appreciate the artistry on show and understand what it was about it that captivated you as a child.

The rough photocopied line art of the original shorts is reflected in the animation and, much like Aardman’s stop motions having evidence of thumbprints, the imperfections add to the style and beauty. It’s through watching it in not-VHS quality that you notice that Tigger’s stripes have a strobing animation boil texture to them, where each frame has new linework shading of the stripes, which fills him with energy even in his more subtle scenes.

Tigger himself is a veritable powerhouse of animation. Frame by framing his movements, you can see him squash and stretch with every bounce and pounce. The largeness and looseness of his jaw allows for very fluid arcs to be created in his head.

WHOOP-DE-DOOPER BOUNCE OF FAITH

In the final act, an argument between Tigger and his friends triggers an avalanche that threatens all of them. This sequence is the accumulation of the story, with the final scenes of the movie after it being the denouement resolution.

Tigger’s own self-centered search for his family immediately gets put to the side when his friends are in danger, leaping into action and helping his friends to the high branches of his tree. He even waits, arms outstretched to Rabbit, who had called his search for more Tiggers ‘nonsense’ and acted as a catalyst for his upset throughout the film. This puts Tigger’s positive nature on full display, he leaves no one behind, and this is in turn reflected outwards by Roo, who launches after Tigger as he gets swept away in the snow.

Throughout the movie, Roo idolises Tigger and wants to do anything to cheer him up, wanting him to be his big brother. Roo’s decisions and choices help drive the story alongside Tigger, and it’s a lot of his choices that end up building Tigger up for disappointment, but Roo is a child with stars in his eyes. He imitates him vocally and physically, and tries, and fails, to do the Whoop-de-Dooper bounce so that Tigger can have someone like him, tying back into the superficial against the reality. It is only when Roo acts on impulse with the determination to help someone in the same way as Tigger would that he succeeds at ‘being a Tigger’ and accomplishes the Whoop-de-Dooper bounce.

Similarly, Tigger doesn’t pay much attention to Roo, he enjoys his company but is looking too far beyond to see those who he already has as his family. But it’s when they both perform the Whoop-De-Dooper bounce in unison to escape danger and defy gravity that Tigger finally sees Roo properly.

After the avalanche, Tigger still looks beyond the horizon for more tiggers, but it’s when the other characters recite their letter that he is brought back to earth by being reminded of the family he chose. Tigger grows up, he realises he is The Only One, but that doesn’t mean he is without those who care about him and are his family.

He grows past his innocently-self-absorbed mindset and comes to project his energy outwards in a more benevolent and less chaotic manner by providing his friends with winter supplies, and celebrating them. Roo especially. Tigger finally acknowledges him as his little brother, and gives him his ‘family heirloom’ locket. Both characters have grown and have fully realised who their family are.

OTHER NOTES

The movie also works visually to bring Tigger into the main cast so he is no longer an outsider. This film is the first one to my knowledge that shows Tigger’s house, a chaotically hoarded, sporty treehouse, compared to everyone else’s more subtle housing. Prior films in the Winnie the Pooh series had Tigger simply appearing and disappearing out of the blue, but now Tigger has an official location that is his own, like everyone else in the cast.

Pooh, quite rightfully, is often depicted to the extreme of ‘bear of very little brain’. And granted, there are still moments where Pooh falls for the tricks and gets lost sometimes, but in this movie, Pooh is actually quite cunning and devious. He sneaks up a tree to get some honey because he tells the others that they are potential Tigger family members. He is the character Roo goes to when Tigger goes into the snowstorm, and comes up with the expedition to find him. He also knows to get Rabbit to lead as ‘he’s the only one who ever says he knows what he’s doing’. I think the memory of Pooh usually paints him as more ditzy, but it’s nice being able to revisit and relearn that Pooh has an extra layer of emotional depth to him.

Tigger himself is portrayed as being significantly less ditzy than in other Pooh media. He’s not as ‘book smart’ as Owl or Rabbit, but Tigger figures out the exact point he should hit the boulder to make it move, he frisbees records so they land exactly on the pin, he is the inventor of the Whoop-de-Dooper Loop-de-Looper Alley-Ooper Bounce, if the expertise and diagrams suggest anything. Tigger isn’t always a chaotic whirlwind, there are hidden depths of precision. The character is allowed fairly mature growth beyond face value.

Rabbit yelling at the others, who are determined to present themselves as the Tigger family of Tigger’s dreams, for not preparing for the winter by saying ‘At least I haven’t forgotten what’s REALLY important’ got a very loud laugh out of me because it’s such a Rabbit line.

Whenever the book transitions to a new scene, it’s fun to pause and see the story of the film being written out in Milne-esque prose. It even includes the Emphasis Capitalsation to specific Important Things. More on the book, I like Tigger arguing with the storyteller at the start and changing the direction of the story through sheer tiggerific chaotic energy.

The songs are wonderful in this. The decision to give Tigger both an upbeat number (‘The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers’) and a downbeat number (‘Someone Like Me’) is genius. I like that, for his sad song, it is mostly just guitar and piano compared to the fully orchestral theme to emphasize his loneliness.

The songs that surrounded the film are great too. Kenny Loggins’ ‘Your Heart Will Lead You Home’ is one of those things that always gives me shivers from that rusty acoustic string reverb at the start. This is also the film that indirectly introduced me to ThirdEyeBlind’s ‘Semi-Charmed Life’ through the trailers of it.

CONCLUSION

The Tigger Movie will always hold a special place in my heart, and I am glad to have had the time to properly articulate how I feel about it. It is a film that I appreciate a lot more as an adult looking back, given its themes and the way the visuals capture them.

In some ways, in these uncertain times, I feel a bit like Tigger when he’s looking out with uncertainty over the horizon for more tiggers. It’s a lonely and uncertain visual as he looked out for What Comes Next.

And even with this movie acting as a blanket against the coldness of the real world, the moral of facing whatever’s next by protecting those who are your family, whether that’s the family you’re born into or the one you choose, will always be appropriate.

#the tigger movie #winnie the pooh #tigger #roo #disney #long post #thoughts #nostalgia #research #storytelling #essay

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goodnightkisseu · 5 years

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Lee Hoseok - A Beautiful Night Sky

→ request: @bebedahlia “ For the drabble...Wonho + 96...I need something sweet right about now...tysm 🤗 ”

→ pairing: lee hoseok (wonho) x reader

→ genre: fluff

→ word count: 2518

→ warnings: none~

→ summary: your job as a travel blogger often took you out of the country. with this newest adventure abroad, you were supposed to be gone for much longer than usual, much to your boyfriend’s displeasure. but maybe, just maybe... you had a small surprise planned for him...

→ masterlist // monsta x masterlist // goodnightkisseu’s 1k follow drabbles

note: today we have the first of my 1k followers drabbles! as a way of giving back to this wonderful community that has always been supportive of my writing, I’ll be doing a series of drabbles from the list linked above! it’s my way of giving back and also to possibly making your day a little brighter. my heart melted a bit while I was writing this one, as expected from hoseok >///< I hope that you all enjoy this~

- ash <3

A light sigh left Hoseok's lips, filling the quiet and empty room. He aimlessly scrolled through all of the recent pictures that you had posted to your social media, and he couldn't help as the slightest pout started to form on his lips. Though he was happy that your trip was going well, the sense of loneliness he felt was intense. It had only been about two weeks since you left to film your travel series in Japan, but knowing that you would be gone for another three to four weeks was daunting on his heart. When you had left, he told you that he would be fine, that your time apart wouldn't seem long at all. However, now that the two of you weren't in the same space, sharing those late night cuddles, he really wondered if he could handle your absence.

You had started a travel blog with a couple of friends on a whim a few years back. The three of you started with a short series, taking the audience around your hometowns. Each week was a different city, and you focused on showing viewers the best places to eat and socialize that may not have been known to first-time visitors. The video series and blog posts did surprisingly well, and the three of you soon found yourselves taking trips overseas, doing much of the same thing. Your trips weren't usually long. They lasted a week and a half at most since your focus was on finding those secret places that the locals loved. Spending so much time in one place helped to really showcase what that area had to offer.

This time, however, your trip had a different purpose. A tourism committee in Japan had seen your videos and asked if your team would be willing to do a series showcasing your travels all over Japan. They wanted the same kind of focus that you showed in your previous work for very particular cities across the country. It was a fantastic opportunity for your little crew. Japan was a place that the three of you had always wanted to visit. It was on your list of trips in the future, but this opportunity was allowing you to do it now, so it was no surprise that the contract was signed quickly.

Hoseok had always been one of the biggest supporters of your work. He had watched the three of you build this business from the ground up, and he couldn't have been prouder. The thing was, even though you were usually out of the country and traveling, you were also home for a fair amount of time as well. The weeks that followed were generally spent at the apartment or over at Kihyun's place. There, you would work on your blog posts while helping Minhyuk and Kihyun sort through all of the videos and photos that you gathered. Hoseok had grown accustomed to this pattern. But with the compressed timeframe that the three of you had to travel, you decided to hold off on editing and posting until the trip ended.

The light chime of his notification tone alerted Hoseok that he had gotten a message, and when your name and that cute little picture of yours popped up, he couldn't help but smile. Eagerly, your boyfriend opened the text, leaving behind the random mobile game that he had open. He was greeted by a beautiful picture of the night sky. You had your camera pointed in an upward angle, the yellow glow of the streetlamp a warm juxtaposition to the dark Okinawa night. Accompanying the picture was a message from you that read, "I wanted to share this beautiful night sky with you. Definitely not as nice as Kihyun's pictures, but I'm still pretty proud of it."

Smiling, Hoseok closed out your message and dialed your number. There was a little rule that you and Hoseok had developed to help ease the separation between the two of you. Whenever you sent him a picture of your walk home, it was a signal that you were done for the day and free. You used to do this when the time difference that separated you was particularly severe, and it just stuck. The call rung once, then twice before it connected. The moment that your boyfriend heard your voice, he couldn't stop the smile from forming on his lips.

"It's barely been five minutes since I sent you that message, and you've already called. Did you even look at what I sent you before you just dialed my number on instinct?" you teased, hearing that familiar chuckle from the other end of the call.

"Of course, I looked at it! What kind of boyfriend do you take me for?" he asked, pretending to be insulted. "For the record, it is a lovely picture. Not as professional as one of Kihyun's, but I do appreciate the artistic effort."

His teasing was met with a light scoff, and the smile on his lips only grew. "Honestly, I still can't believe that you're in Japan without me. I've always wanted to go with you, and now you're there experiencing it with Kihyun and Minhyuk. Neither of whom, last I checked, is your loving boyfriend," he added.

You giggled in response. "Hey, I invited you along this time. The tourism committee told us that we could take another person, and we were all on board with it being you. But... your work..." you said slowly, your steps carrying you down the familiar streets. It was a bit colder here than you were expecting it to be, but you were almost home. Just a little further until you were showered in warmth.

Hoseok let out a gentle sigh as your words trailed off. You were absolutely correct, it was his work that had prevented him from going this time. His office had just hired a handful of junior employees, all students that were just out of school and starting their first job. He, along with another coworker, was tasked with training them and getting them up to speed. They had become sufficient at their job quickly; however, they were not quite to the level where they could be left to their own devices. Often when the three of you traveled abroad, it was Hoseok's job that kept him from going with. He almost got it cleared this time, to visit at least for a week with you, but when his coworker got sick, he had no choice but to stay. It was just his luck.

"We can travel throughout Japan together another time, just as a couples trip," you had suggested when you realized how quiet he had gotten. "At least that way, we could do all of the couple things, like rent out a suite with a private hot spring, without having to worry about Minhyuk and Kihyun."

Your boyfriend made a soft noise as he fell back onto the mattress. "That sounds so nice. Next time when work slows down, we are definitely going together," he stated, hearing your little sound in agreement. "I miss you..."

Hearing his gentle confession, you couldn't help the heat that rose to your cheeks. Hoseok could say the simplest things, and yet they always managed to make you a bit shy. "I miss you too," you agreed. "I knew that this trip was going to be lengthy, but I didn't realize how long until I started missing my cuddle bunny..."

"I close my eyes and see your face," he admitted. "Some days, that's enough for me. Other days, I need to hear your voice, and that gets me through the day. But others... I need you in my arms."

"Believe me, Hoseok, I feel the same," you reassured him. "Once this series is done, we'll be back for a bit. There's a lot of editing to be done on these videos. And if this tourism committee likes it, we could be on to bigger and better things too! I know that Minhyuk and Kihyun are super excited about it. We never thought it would get this far."

"I'm excited for you too. The three of you have worked so hard on this over the years. Still, that doesn't mean I can't miss my babe when you're away."

You made a small noise in understanding as your feet made their way up the familiar stairs. Your muscle memory reminded you to be careful on the third step, moving just enough to the right to avoid the strange missing piece of stone. Some day you were sure that it would be fixed... but you had been hoping that for over two years.

Part of you wondered if Hoseok realized that you were closer than expected. But based on the way he was talking, in how sulky he sounded, you guessed that he hadn't gotten the hint earlier. "Hey Hoseok, you said that you looked at the picture I sent you earlier, right?"

He chuckled. Here he was, pouring his heart out to you, and all you could think about was that picture. "I swear, I did. Why, did you want more critique on it or something? Here I am thinking we're having a nice conversation, and all you care about is that picture..." he teased.

You rolled your eyes, realizing that you would have to be a bit more obvious. "I love having these talks with you, Hoseok, so that's not it. I was just wondering if you looked at the picture like really looked at it..." you replied, emphasizing your words to the best of your ability.

However, hearing you talk in such a way only seemed to confuse your boyfriend. Now driven by both confusion and curiosity, he put you on speaker and pulled up the picture again. Honestly, nothing about it looked out of the ordinary. It just seemed like you had taken the image on your way home. It was a street, a streetlamp, some buildings. So why were you -

The moment his eyes saw it, they widened in surprise. He had to do a double-take when he realized just what he was seeing. Along the bottom of your picture was a street sign. It was a bit blurry, but he recognized it immediately. It was the rickety old street sign that the two of you always passed on the way to your favorite restaurant just a couple of streets over. When this dawned on him, he started to look at the other things in the image. The apartment complex that the two of you had been looking into before you settled on this one. The hill was the one that you used to complain about walking up all of the time. Everything in this picture pointed to only one thing. You were home.

You heard shuffling on the other end before the call was disconnected entirely. You let out a small scoff, figuring that, once your boyfriend realized where you were, his hasty movements ended his call with you. It was okay, though. You were only a flight of stairs away from the landing to your apartment, and you would see him in no time. Adjusting the bag that you had on your shoulder, you continued the rest of the way, making it down to the last unit on the left.

Just as you were about to enter the code to your apartment, the door swung open. It startled you at first, but before you stood Hoseok, eyes blinking rapidly when he realized that you were in front of him. You couldn't even get a word in edgewise before he pulled you into the apartment, his lips instantly finding your own in one swift motion.

As he held you close, you melted in his strong arms, body relaxing into his wanton kiss. Every 'I miss you,' and other words of longing were poured into that kiss. Hoseok didn't have to say them anymore; he could now convey it through his actions. In the way, his lips moved against yours, in the way his hands held you tightly to his form.

You had felt the same sense of longing that your boyfriend had. As much as he had missed you, you had missed him just as much. It wasn't until you were stuck with only your two friends that this dawned on you. You didn't realize how much you had grown to depend on his presence for comfort. You didn't notice how the simplest hug from him after a long day did you wonders. The softest little kisses against your neck were just enough to distract you from the day's troubles. The warmest cuddles were enough to lull you to sleep at night. These, amongst many other things, were what you missed about Hoseok.

Your boyfriend's hands tenderly framed your face when he finally pulled away, his forehead resting against your own. "I'm home," you told him quietly, looking up through your lashes to see that beautiful smile that you loved so much.

"I thought you were going to be abroad for a few more weeks. I... I didn't think that I would get to see you for a while," he said softly. Part of Hoseok thought that this was some type of dream, of illusion. He didn't dare to raise his voice in fear that this would all be some sort of fantasy that would melt away from him. He didn't want to risk it. But, he also needed an answer.

Your hands slowly moved up, lightly resting on either side of his neck, fingers caressing the hair at the base of his neck. "We will still be abroad for a bit. But, when we got to Okinawa, Kihyun realized that he forgot some needed equipment. We called the tourism committee, and after we all crunched the numbers, it was more cost-effective to just fly back and get what we needed than to buy new ones. So we got three of the cheapest tickets we could find and flew back," you explained.

"When do you leave again?" he asked, lips already placing feather-like kisses against your cheeks.

"Tomorrow afternoon, unfortunately. We won't be here for long, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to see you either. Plus, I'm pretty sure that you would be upset if I didn't show up. I thought we could both use the company," you chided, hearing him giggle against your skin.

Hoseok's hands slowly moved downward, slipping across your arms and down towards your hips. He pulled your closer as he gently bit his lip. "A night together is all I need to shower you in all of my love," he countered.

"I am more than willing to be showered in this love," you teased. Hastily, his lips were on yours again as he pulled you up and into his arms. You wrapped your legs around him as the pair of you stumbled back into the bedroom, your back hitting the familiar bed that you had often dreamed of.

And that night, oh, did it feel so good to be home again...

#wonho #lee hoseok #monsta x #kwritersworldnet #monsta x scenarios #monsta x imagines #kpop scenarios #wonho scenarios #wonho imagines #goodnightkisseu 1k drabble game!

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Heart of Glass, Mind of Stone, 2/? (Jiji, Methydoll) - Ella

a/n - didn’t think i’d actually be able to add another chapter to this, considering how terrified i am with the commitment that came with a multichap fic but here we are!! thank u as always to @imalwaysaslutfordrag for being an amazing beta/hypeman, ilu!! feel free to hmu on my blog @dawningofdrag, hope you enjoy part two of lawyer gays, folks!

ao3 / pinterest board

Waiting for Heidi to pick up her phone was probably the longest minute Crystal’s ever had to endure in her whole 22 years of life.

The recurring ringing that filled the heavy silence of the living room flooded her ear, bare lip retreating between her pearly white teeth as she impatiently waited for Heidi to pick up the phone. She heard by the back of her head the quiet murmurs of Jackie trying to console Gigi, who was still very much shaken up by what had just happened mere moments before.

The soles of her sneakers squeaked across the hardwood floor, unable to control her need to pace back and forth as the Latina dreadfully waited for her roommate to pick up. She focused on calming down her staggered breaths while waiting for Heidi to answer, trying her very best to keep her composure and not add to Jackie’s already heavy load of keeping Gigi from having a full-on breakdown.

Her phone rang six times. Still no answer.

Crystal was about to give up and end the call, a slow but evident panic rising in her lungs when her mind started to settle in on the fact that their only way out of this mess they had caught themselves in wasn’t answering her own fucking phone.

She tore the device away from her ear in frustration, thumb barely grazing the end call button before Heidi finally picked up.

“Hello?”

“Heidi! Oh my god-”

“Why you sound so scared, Crystal? Do y’all need saving or some shit?”

-eleven weeks before-

Crystal took a deep breath in before shoving the metal front gates of Professor Hall’s luxurious estate open. Her pink stiletto heels collided with the wooden deck of the spacious front porch, loud clicking of each step announcing her presence to whoever was inside before she even got to ring the doorbell.

To say that Professor Hall’s house was beautiful was a complete understatement. It was a striking green modern victorian mansion that stood out against the 50 shades of beige that colored the houses of her neighbors. It stuck out like a sore thumb, on a complete league of its own, and the second Crystal had caught sight of it the first time she ever visited, she couldn’t imagine Jaida’s house to be any less extra.

She clutched the yellow folder in her hand, patiently waiting for Widow to greet her by the front door. Crystal had visited the estate a couple of times the past week, submitting reflective essays and outlines her professor demanded they make. She’d leave the files by Widow’s desk just outside of Jaida’s main office, engage in a couple of minutes of enjoyable small talk, before leaving to catch a bus to her next class.

“Hi honey!” Widow greeted her with a grin that was way too fake for eight in the morning, stepping to the side to let the brunette into the estate.

Widow was one of Jaida’s two associates and probably one of the nicest people Crystal’s ever met in her whole life. An absolute badass, of course she was, but always offered a cup of coffee and a light conversation no matter how many times Crystal would properly decline. She’d praise you for submitting work early, compliment your outfit no matter how outlandish it was, and call you some sweet endearment that would teleport you back to the comfort of your own home. It was a wonderful juxtaposition from Jaida’s rather distant disposition.

She tried her best to mirror the positive energy back, but she was running on three hours of sleep and half a cup of coffee she stole from Heidi’s breakfast meal a couple of hours ago. It was a solid attempt though, and she hoped that Widow didn’t mind that she probably looked like a fucking mess. Law school really does change you, she guessed.

She set down her paper with a scowl, eyes glancing at the already mountainous pile of submitted case studies on the Black woman’s desk. She strived to submit her paper much earlier than the imposed deadline in an attempt to catch Jaida’s attention, but apparently everyone else in her class had the same fucking idea. So much for trying to stand out.

“You look tired hun, you alright?” Widow pressed a delicate hand on Crystal’s back, thumb grazing the fabric of her floral blouse to comfort the Latina.

Crystal sat on the leather chair situated just next to Widow’s desk with a heavy sigh, a pout plastered on her glossed lips as her eyes gazed at the stack of case studies on Widow’s table.

“Yeah! Just tired is all.” She huffed, a hand moving to massage her temple as she pulled her phone out of her bag.

“You want some coffee?”

“Please?”

“I’ll be back in a bit.”

She called out her thank you before Widow disappeared into the kitchen, leaning back against the comfortable leather chair. Her hands trailed up to her temples, the sudden headache that occupied her brain keeping her from standing up and heading to campus to pass the rest of her papers due that same day.

The door to Professor Hall’s office opened with an abrupt force, the click of the doorknob pulling Crystal’s focus away from her throbbing headache. Nicky stepped out of the frosted glass door, sharing a couple of words with Jaida before leaving the room entirely. The blonde rolled her eyes the second she was out of her boss’ view, walking over to her desk just across Widow’s with an exasperated sigh.

Nicky wasn’t really one to talk, based on Crystal’s experience with her. She never really spoke a word whenever she attended Jaida’s lectures, keeping to herself as she quietly observed each and every student with those bright blue eyes that would mesmerize you whenever she narrowed them in focus.

Crystal would be a lying ass lesbian if she said that she didn’t find Nicky hot. Pretty sure every woman in her Criminal Law class that was in any way shape or form gay found her interesting, eager to learn more about what the woman was hiding behind the light eyes. She was this cunning French mystery that the Latina would be more than willing to understand.

“What are you doing here, Harness?” Nicky spat out, bare fingernails grazing the messy stack of papers discarded around her equally as messy desk. A soft groan fell from her red lips, talking to herself for just a brief moment before she pulled out the folder she seemed to be looking for.

They had never talked before, her and Nicky. So to hear the older woman address her by her last name sparked her already heightened curiosity.

“How do you know my name?” Crystal questioned, head propped up on the palm of her hand with her elbow resting comfortably on the leather armrest. A sly smirk painted her glossy lips, a sudden burst of confidence filling her senses. Frenchie liked her, how interesting.

The blonde scoffed, turning to face the Latina and leaning against the edge of her wooden desk. Her tan hands crossed against her chest, covering the satin top wrapped taut around her slender physique. “Oh come on, with a pretty face like that?”

Nicky narrowed her eyes, slowly dropping her gaze down Crystal’s figure like she was her next meal. She met back up with Crystal’s gaze after a short while, bottom lip painted red in between her teeth to keep herself from flashing a mischievous grin.

“How could I not know?”

“Nicky, step away from the student.”

The trance that Nicky had pulled Crystal in with her magnetic way of words vanished almost immediately after Widow cut the conversation short. The Black woman rolled her eyes, large mug of coffee in hand, leaning against the grand doorway that separated the kitchen and the main office.

Nicky raised her hands up in surrender, watching Widow with a frustrated glare as she walked towards the brunette with a soft smile. Crystal took the cup gratefully, sparing a quick ‘thank you’ before taking a long sip of the piping hot beverage she held with both her hands. It was cold out and she really needed the warmth.

“What? Can’t a woman compliment another woman?” The blonde retorted, shaking her head before turning to organize the disorderly mess of folders and papers that sat in a massive pile on top of her table. She played with the contents of the folder she held just moments before, scanning the words printed out on the thick stack of paper sandwiched in between the document case before moving the papers into a brown envelope.

“Not with that grin you aren’t.” Widow chuckled. “Don’t you have shit to do, Nicks?”

Nicky responded with a scowl, pulling her wool coal from her office chair with force.

“Whatever.” She walked past the office doorway with a confident strut, high stiletto heels ticking against the herringbone floors and sparing one last glance at Crystal, flashing a wink her way along with a quick wave of her hand. “I’ll see you in class, Miss Harness-”

“Nicky go! Oh my god-”

Crystal waved back. Yes, she was blushing like an actual fucking child. Shut up.

“Professor, when will you be releasing the list of interns for the Heller case?”

Crystal tried. She really tried to stop the blonde from asking. She wanted nothing more than to sink into the dirty cushions of her lecture chair and just disappear.

She was curious too, she wasn’t going to lie. It’s been two weeks since the announcement and the fact that no list had been released yet, one week after she said it would, chipped away at her already lengthy patience.

However, she was terrified of bringing the concern up because she had never spoken to Jaida, their only interactions being answering questions in class. Crystal didn’t want her first impression on her actual idol to be an impatient entitled little bitch. No ma’am.

Professor Hall raised an eyebrow, the sound of her footsteps against the carpeted steps echoing across the hall as she made her way down to her desk. She met the blonde’s eyes for a brief moment, turning to reach for a thin folder hidden deep inside her bag.

“I was waiting for someone to bring it up.” Jaida scoffed, dismissing Gigi with a wave of her hand. The blonde sat back in her seat in one quick motion, manicured fingers immediately gravitating towards the idea of picking at the skin that surrounded her nails. The normal tremor of her porcelain hands amplified the second she sat back down, and just like that Crystal was nervous too.

“Class is dismissed, but the following four please stay after class.”

The collective rumble of hushed whispers and laptops shifting into their respective bags filled Crystal’s ears, but the sound was just white noise. She froze in her seat, hands clenching the edges of her worn wooden desk as she patiently waited for Jaida to continue the announcement she had been waiting for in so long.

“Georgina Goode, Heidi Cheek, Jaqueline Cox, and Crystal Harness.”

A gust of wind blew into into the lecture hall the second it’s exit doors were opened, classmates already filing out of the room immediately after Jaida had finished announcing the contents of her rather short intern list. Crystal expected around eight people to be accepted for the job, considering how the case was so high-profile that having a large group of individuals at your disposal would be of great benefit. Apparently, she thought wrong. Jaida wasn’t one for crowds.

Also, holy shit. Jaida just called out her name.

Her eyes were blown wide once the statement had settled in her head, absolutely dumbfounded by the information that it took her much longer than usual to pack up her pile of things stacked on top of her tiny wooden desk.

She walked down the carpeted steps in shock, dragging the thick wedge of her heels against the carpet as she trailed just behind Gigi who hid her nerves extremely well, the blonde strutting down the hall with a confident sway of her hips. Crystal probably looked like an absolute dumbass next to her, but she didn’t bother to do something about it. Her lifelong idol had just singled her out of her large class of sixty, offering her the opportunity to work alongside her as an intern. Was this real? This could not be real. Why wasn’t she freaking out?

“Welcome to the Essence four.” Jaida grinned, dark eyes meeting Crystal’s in a genuine gaze. She felt like she was going to pass out.

The Latina found herself standing next to Jackie, a smug grin painted on her full lips as she graciously thanked the Black woman for the opportunity to work with her. Crystal should be doing the same thing, she knew that, but her head was so far up in the sky that she could barely speak a coherent string of words.

Jaida packed her silver laptop into her leather bag, busying herself with the stack of papers left by the edge of her desk.

“The dean has a cocktail party later tonight and I expect the four of you to come with me and the rest of my team. Mingle, get your name out there. The foundation of a good lawyer is having powerful connections and with a case like this? You’re gonna need it.”

Jaida spoke as she zipped up her bag with force, slinging the bag over her exposed shoulder before flashing a polite smile. She handed each of them her calling card, before walking past the little group they had created by her wooden desk.

“I’ll see you all tonight, alright? Semi-formal attire ladies!”

Crystal deciding to wear the prettiest dress in her closet was probably the biggest mistake she committed that day. The party fucking sucked.

Sure, there was plenty of champagne to go around, servers handing glasses full of the liquor like the dean had an unlimited supply hidden in some secret basement. There were trays upon trays full of hors d'oeuvres that were being paraded around the grand function hall, and live jazz music to accompany the unapologetically pretentious conversations being had within the ornate wood and brick walls. But no matter how gratifying it felt to finally break into this elite community Crystal had been dreaming of being a part of for so long, nothing has ever made her feel this out of place. It bothered her so much that she thought about leaving the party hours earlier than she had originally intended to.

The worst part about it was that she was the only one in their little group of new kids that didn’t seem to fit in. Each of them had somehow found a group of individuals they could stick with for the rest of the night, filling their hours with conversations Crystal would never understand nor care for. The fact that she didn’t fit into this group she deemed the nobility settled into her conscience, and it was not at all a good feeling.

Crystal needed another drink.

She rested her arms against the bar table, downing the rest of her tall glass of champagne before calling the bartender over for a new drink. She ordered a vodka martini with a faded smile, both arms crossed against the dark oak as she patiently waited for her drink.

Crystal heard shifting in the bar stool next to her, gaze shifting towards the woman that recently occupied the seat.

“How are you holding up, Harness?” Nicky greeted her with a grin, taking off the light coat she was previously dressed in and hung it across the backrest of her chair. She wore a black velvet halter top under the cream-colored blazer, bony clavicles and golden-tan skin exposed for her dark eyes to devour. Crystal knew what she was doing, Nicky wasn’t the one for subtleties, and it pained her to realize that she had fallen for it. Sometimes being gay sucked.

Crystal bit her lip to dismiss the smirk she so badly wanted to wear, tearing her eyes away from the blonde. “Bored as hell. You?”

“Don’t worry, you’re not the only one here who hates parties like this,” Nicky replied, ordering a glass of whiskey before turning to face the brunette. Her head tilted to the side, arm reaching to pull her blonde hair to the side of her face with her bare fingertips.

“Like you could even call this a party.” Crystal scoffed, thanking the bartender with a grateful smile when she came by with both their drinks. She held the chilled glass with both of her hands, moving the lemon twist away with her finger to get a good sip.

Nicky raised her stout glass up, and though Crystal had already taken a sip, she clinked glasses anyway, a faint smile failing to hide behind the unbothered facade she decided to put up. Pretty girls really just fuck you up, it wasn’t her fault at this point.

“You know, after this drink. I’m taking an uber home,” Nicky spoke with a sultry slur, playing with the large ice cube that occupied most of her whiskey glass with her index finger. “If you want someone to keep you company the ride home, I’m here.”

Nicky grazed the arm Crystal had rested against the bar table, tracing the back of her hand with the finger that previously busied itself with her chilled whiskey glass. The touch was cold, electrifying, magnetic. It sent chills up the rest of her arm and down her back, trailing down her spine like thunderbolts had touched her skin.

Crystal wanted to lean in, give into the blonde’s tempting gaze and her enticing way with touch. Nothing had piqued her interest more than the cunning yet quiet French woman, and she was so close to giving in. To find out the answers to her never-ending string of questions.

But she wasn’t going to be that bitch who slept with her boss. That only happened in the movies and the porn she’d find herself watching, and she intended on keeping it that way. Crystal was more than the hot piece of ass, she knew she was, and hooking up with her new boss’ associate was not the way you achieved that reputation.

She also promised Heidi that they’d take the uber home together.

Crystal pulled her gaze away from Nicky, breaking off the stare-off they had found themselves in with a quiet chuckle. She shook her head, pulling her martini from the coaster it was set in, and taking a long dragging sip.

“Sorry, I think I’m gonna stay if that’s alright.” Crystal sighed, setting the glass back down with a sigh. “I kinda promised Heidi that we’d go home together, so.”

The sudden change of Nicky’s disposition astounded her, her shift in mood turning over like a lightswitch. She plastered on a fake smile, nodding in response to Crystal’s polite decline before drinking what remained of her whiskey glass in one gulp. God, that probably hurt.

“Sucks for you.” Nicky groaned, grabbing her blazer from the backrest of her chair before stepping out of the barstool with pride. “I’ll see you next Monday.”

Crystal watched as the blonde strutted away from where they previously sat, the confident sway in her hips enticing the glances of individuals she would pass by to get to the main door. The Latina couldn’t help but chuckle. It was amazing to see gorgeous people being humbled every once in a while, and the power she held rejecting the blonde’s rather tempting offer felt more invigorating than anything she had experienced.

Crystal turned to face the bartender who stood just across from her, the familiar face sparking her interest. She normally wouldn’t have said anything, but she had two glasses of champagne and half a glass of vodka martini in her system. Liquid courage was real and she either liked it or hated it. In this case however, she loved it.

“Aren’t you a bartender from the bar by Chapel Route?” The question slipped out of Crystal’s lips before she even realized it.

The woman met her curious eyes with a raised brow, taken back by the sudden conversation. “You mean Dahlia’s? Yeah, why’d you ask?”

Crystal rested the palms of her hands on the dark wood of the bar table, mouth agape for a brief moment until she found the words she intended on asking. She flashed a grin, tilted her head, and spoke.

“I work for Professor Hall who represents Jamie McKenna in the Heller murder case. Her alibi was that she was at Dahlia’s the night of her disappearance, but we ever really looked into it because the prosecution hasn’t really focused on her at the moment. Is it true?”

The bartender leaned against the table with both elbows, eyebrows furrowed as she recalled the night Crystal kindly asked her to remember. “Jamie was there, but she left at around 10:30 that night I think? I’m not entirely sure, it was busy, but I know she left earlier than she normally did. She was a regular and would normally stay until like, 3 am or something. ”

The autopsy placed Brianna’s time of death at around 2 to 6 am.

“Thanks for the info.” Crystal smiled, pulling her phone out to type the new information into her notes app before she got the chance to forget about it.

She’d bring up the rather interesting information on Monday. It was something they should definitely take a good look at and prepare for in case the boyfriend started pinning the murder on their client.

But right now she had expensive cocktails to drink. Heidi was still busy talking up the same Physics professor she started flirting with the second they had arrived, and nothing sounded better than drinking her body weight in mixed drinks to pass the time.

She’d worry about the alibi later.

“Oh my god, so you did that.”

The silence that rang after Heidi’s response almost deafened her.

Jackie watched Crystal with nervous eyes, arms wrapped tight around Gigi who found solace in the Persian’s arms. Her thumb grazed the blonde’s now tousled hair, slender figure relaxing into the comforting embrace.

Crystal locked eyes with Jackie through the dark of the late-night, panic and fear now evident behind her glossy eyes as the woman on the other side of the call didn’t pick up her car keys the second the Latina had told her they were in trouble. The tips of her fingernails reached her lips, her need to bite them off and release some of her already heightened anxiety now more evident than ever.

“You can argue that it’s self-defense, right?” Heidi questioned, the sound of shifting in the background doing nothing to calm her nerves.

“Yes.” Crystal breathed out, rocking back and forth on her heels to keep her subconscious mind at bay.

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Silence. Crystal heard the jingle of metal hitting metal.

“If we ever get caught you can plead not guilty to involuntary manslaughter?”

“Jesus fuck- YES Heidi. Just please pick us up-” The brunette’s voice cracked before she was able to finish her sentence, unable to bite back her relentless nerves and the evident tremor in her voice.

Silence.

“Please.”

Crystal heard the faint rumble of an engine from the other line. A rush of relief filled her heavy lungs.

“I’ll be there in five.”

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bdsawatsky · 4 years

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Of all the objections skeptics raise in relation to faith and God, the problem of suffering has to be the most popular. The line of reasoning skeptics employ is pretty straightforward:

a) If God is all-powerful, then he has the ability to destroy evil and prevent suffering.

b) If God is good, then he should want to destroy evil and prevent suffering.

c) Evil and suffering exist, therefore a good and all-powerful God does not exist.

This sound bite of philosophy has been used repeatedly by those who would discredit belief in God and any religious faith. Atheism’s foremost voice of this generation, Richard Dawkins, has been using this logic for decades now. Long before his most popular work, The God Delusion came out in 2006 he expressed the same frustration in his 1995 book, River Out of Eden: A Darwinian View of Life:

In a universe of electrons and selfish genes, blind physical forces and genetic replication, some people are going to get hurt, other people are going to get lucky, and you won’t find any rhyme or reason in it, nor any justice. The universe that we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but pitiless indifference.

Dawkins is pretty honest about how gloomy a godless universe should look. But many philosophers have pushed back against the perspective that Dawkins espouses. Decades ago, men like C.S. Lewis, who himself began as an atheist, were forced to change their perspective when they analyzed the reality of the world around them.

My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust…? (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

As I pointed out in my book Unapologetix, prominent atheists have been known make reference to the worms and parasites that sometimes wreak havoc on the human body, asking how a God so intent on beauty and pleasure could possibly allow something so ugly and unpleasant. But it doesn’t take a great philosophical mind to understand that we can only label the worms and parasites as awful in juxtaposition to all of the beauty and pleasure that we enjoy on a regular basis. Neither can we complain about injustice we see in the world, if—as Dawkins says—we have no reason to expect to find rhyme, reason or justice here. No, the average person knows in their heart that the world is fundamentally a good place and that a sense of justice is somehow anchored in each one of us.

So then, back to our first question: If the world is good, and fashioned by a loving, all-powerful God, how do we account for all of the evil and suffering? It is here that I will point out that the atheists’ reasoning (that I outlined above) is flawed. It is not airtight, as it makes logical assumptions. It overlooks the possibility that evil and suffering serve some sort of purpose in the universe, and that God might allow them to exist—at least for a time—in order to accomplish something of even greater value.

The biblical device (although I believe it to be more than a device) for making sense of the problem of suffering is the curse that was placed on humankind after our fall into sin. Genesis 3 contains the story that serves as the foundation for understanding life’s most perturbing question—the question of suffering. The ancient narrative explains how the first human beings, Adam and Eve, acted on humanity’s behalf and chose to rebel against God, dragging all of humankind into sin. After confronting the man and woman over their sin, God imposed an all-encompassing curse upon them and upon the physical creation, a curse that would include everything from pain, to disease to death. A bit of reflection would lead the reader to conclude that God was making a very powerful statement: The purpose of the curse was to permanently and constantly remind humankind that the world was not right.

It continues to remind us today that the world is not right. According to the biblical narrative, every time you see spots on your apple, experience sickness, encounter a disease or disability, attend a funeral, catch a cold or hear a chid cry—God’s intention is to remind you that this world is messed up and not what he intended. So, when bad things happen, things like COVID-19, we must not fail to see the bigger picture of what God is doing in the world.

Now, it is important to understand that God is not the author of sin; he is perfectly holy and incapable of doing wrong. But in God’s understanding of what is good, freedom is high on the list. Even the Garden of Eden was fashioned in such a way as to give humans a choice of accepting God’s authority or not. Sin is not God’s creation, but true freedom seems to require the possibility of sin.

In the New Testament, Jesus’ parable of the Prodigal Son demonstrates the same truth. In it we see a son who chooses to rebel against his father, take his inheritance, leave home, and squander his father’s wealth on riotous living. While it broke the father’s heart to let him go, he knew that this was necessary for his son to come to understand the bigger picture. Eventually, the son comes to his senses, returns home, and enjoys a relationship with his father that he never had enjoyed prior.

As a pastor, nothing brings me greater joy than to see people wrestle with the question of suffering and to arrive at a deeper understanding. As students of the Bible come to understand God’s plan for history (often summed up in the words “creation, fall, redemption and restoration”), the sharper students grasp the question that begs to be asked: “Why is God allowing all of this suffering if the end goal is simply to get humankind back to the state of bliss we already enjoyed in the Garden of Eden?” It always brings a smile to my face.

I have come to believe it’s for the experience. Innocence is beautiful, but it’s not the best that can be. The Bible reveals that God’s ultimate desire is to have a perfect relationship with his creation, and the simple fact is, without this experience we call human history, we would never be able to truly appreciate God. Had we lived on in innocence, we could have respected God in the way a child looks up to their father, but we could never have come to appreciate God’s holiness, his value of freedom, his mercy and grace, his patience, and most of all—his love. The prodigal son understood his father in a very different way at the end of the story, and I believe God wants us to come to understand him in a very different way as well.

So why does God allow things like COVID-19? It’s just one more way that he is reminding us that this world is not right, that it’s not what he intended. Viruses are just one more part of the curse that he instituted out of love for us, something that would drive us back to him. When you understand things in this way, COVID-19 serves a very important purpose. It is quite literally intended to make you discover the love of God. Out of context, that may seem backward and cruel. The prodigal son had to sit in the mud with the pigs for a while before he could see it clearly. But he finally got up, shook off the mud, and returned to his father where a celebration like nothing he had ever experienced was waiting for him.

My prayer is that many who are sitting at home with a little extra time to think will ponder these ideas. I hope that you will look around and see how God made our entire human experience reflect these truths. Everything God has made grows and matures. Innocence is beautiful, and there is a time for it, but it doesn’t last forever. Nor should it.

They say that no child appreciates their father or mother until they themselves become one. But with that maturity comes the precious ability to relate to our parents in ways that we never could have as children. Someday God’s children will sit down with him and appreciate him in ways that Adam and Eve never could have. And things like Coronavirus will make sense. In fact, the apostles firmly believed that increased suffering in this life would only make our time with God even more glorious in eternity. That seems like a pretty good thought to hang onto over the upcoming months.

#coronavirus

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dylanreviewsthings · 6 years

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Immortal Reviews' Top 50 Albums Of 2017

Music is a story. It captures a point in time where the artist's mind was in that space. True art can never be perfectly replicated, but it can be remembered with every listen. From heavy minds to memories of home, the music of 2017 captured a wide array of ideas, and the best of those albums really left lasting impacts. Music didn't do much to affect society, but the best of 2017 had us thinking about ourselves. Our minds, our interactions, and our memories. It may have not changed the world, but the music of 2017 changed us, and that's where it really matters.

Without further adieu, this is Immortal Reviews' Top 50 Albums of 2017. We wrote over 340 reviews this year, and whittled it down to this list. Click the links to check out our full reviews of each album.

50. Kacy Hill - Like A Woman

There's an ethereal darkness to Kacy Hill's Like A Woman. With a sweet, ghastly voice and minimalist but atmospheric, if not cavernous instrumentals to back her, Kacy Hill builds enchanting sounds in her debut. Her brooding anger in the quiet 'Lion' helps lead the album into an empowering call to arms as it ends with the powerful 'I Am,' but not before letting herself be vulnerable in the title track that opens the record. It's a powerful inside look on the nature and power of a woman, and a reminder that it should not be taken lightly.

49. Hurts - Desire

Combine bittersweet memories and optimism for the future of love, and you have the idea of Desire. Behind heartwrenching melodies, Hurts build an array of odes to everything about love, from pain to bliss. Feel the sweetness of 'Wherever You Go' or the tragedy of 'Hold On To Me;' every song has its own tale that clings to a memory. It's the perfect breakup album, yet also the perfect album for a couple. It's everything you need for love.

48. Spoon - Hot Thoughts

Spoon is as diverse as they are smart, and Hot Thoughts makes it very apparent. From the funk rock 'Do I Have To Take You Into It' to the huge introduction 'Hot Thoughts' with its roaring vocals and epic instrumentation, Spoon don't leave any stones unturned as they challenge themselves and their listener to a very involved ad particular album.

47. The Chainsmokers - Memories...Do Not Open

The Chainsmokers are notoriously the most overplayed band out there, but their debut album shows that they aren't overplayed without reason. They have a strong grasp on how to make the catchiest hooks and really capture every aspect of millennial love there is. Whether it be the anecdotal 'Paris' or the anthemic, orchestrated 'Young,' The Chainsmokers are more than just the electronic duo that make the songs your girlfriend listens to; they are the essence of a generation.

46. Tigers Jaw - Spin

Angsty at heart but restrained on the outside, Tigers Jaw has a mission statement in Spin. It's a very sweet listen, the darker messages hidden underneath the beautiful melodies and great alternative sound. Tracks like 'Spin' have that strong, pained words behind them, while the duets in tracks like 'Follows' are anthemic and amplify some more personal thoughts. Spin is a very internal record, and it hits hard where it strikes.

45. Chelsea Wolfe - Hiss Spun

The queen of industrial returned in 2017, and with a vengeance. Chelsea Wolfe's Hiss Spun is a rockier record than she's released before, yet her darkness is only amplified. The crunchy guitars on songs like '16 Psyche' add a new viciousness to her sound, while the added schizophrenic sounds of a million voices in 'Scrape' bring the album to a paranoid close. No one understands insanity quite like Wolfe, and no one dares try.

44. Björk - Utopia

In weirdness, Björk finds clarity. The frantic nature of Utopia builds exactly that; a perfect fairytale world free of any problems. However, that's only where Utopia tries to transport you. Björk eerily sings of her love woes throughout the record, referencing her legal battle with her ex-husband in 'Sue Me' and the aftermath of that pain in 'Losss.' As pretty as the world Utopia builds is, it goes to show that even in perfection, pain and anger can reside.

43. All Time Low - Last Young Renegade

Leave it to All Time Low to really capture what it means to be free. The art of being a punk is really dying out, but Last Young Renegade seeks to inspire that free feeling again. From the sweetness and risky nature of 'Drugs & Candy' to the reminiscent 'Good Times,' All Time Low channel the sound of feeling unstoppable, an idea we feel growing up but eventually lose sight of. It takes you back to a simpler time, and brings the good memories along, too.

42. Sufjan Stevens, Nico Muhly, Bryce Dessner, & James McAlister - Planetarium

These names all working together can only be destined for greatness. Planetarium sees some of music's most introverted yet spectacular minds take you on a trip through space in the concept album Planetarium. The echoing, mechanic nature of Sufjan Stevens' voice in 'Jupiter' to the innocence and curiosity of 'Mercury' transports you to new worlds, familiar yet unexplored and untapped by humanity. It's as much of a journey as it is a commentary on the places humanity has left to leave it's mark on, and whether that is for better or for worse is left for you to answer.

41. You Me At Six - Night People

You Me At Six are the kings of alternative rock anthems, and Night People only make it more evident. By returning to a darker, angrier sound, You Me At Six build a more aggressive yet still sparkling sound that spawns such awesome sounds like 'Heavy Soul' and 'Take On The World.' As any YMAS album, it's optimistic yet just confident enough to make it seem as if impossibility does not exist. It's the soundtrack for believing in yourself.

40. Brian Eno - Reflection

Not many can make a single, forty-minute track of various noises sound so powerful, but Brian Eno is a magical man. Reflection consists of a single track of forty minutes, very minimalist on the surface, though that's not where the true spectacle lies. Sitting down with Reflection and truly immersing yourself in the song takes you on an exploration of your own mind, venturing through the dark places and the light. There's no one way to interpret this song and no one way to experience it, but it's powerful and brilliant all the same.

39. Bebe Rexha - All Your Fault, Pt. 2

Pop is becoming more and more saturated, yet there are some voices that still bring hope to the genre. One such voice is Bebe Rexha, who really brought the best of pop music and pop culture in All Your Fault, Pt. 2. Pt. 1 was a solid enough album, but Rexha really made her mark with this second EP, which even managed to make good of trap, which is even more saturated. It's smart, catchy, and memorable all at once - it hits every nail on the head.

38. Sylvan Esso - Echo Mountain Sessions

Stripping down some of their more energetic takes from their eclectic What Now, Sylvan Esso reveal the true nature of some of their songs, including the endearing, longing 'Slack Jaw' and the brighter 'Rewind.' There's no escaping the trip down memory lane that the Echo Mountain Sessions versions of these songs provide. The new focus on the stories of the songs shifts their forward looking original iterations and takes a step back to reflect on the past moments that built them in the first place, hauntingly at times, but not without a certain warmth to back it.

37. Son Lux - Remedy

Son Lux is the master of making darkness sound sensual, and Remedy is no different. The jagged edges of 'Part Of This' and the haunting, abyssal sound of opening track 'Dangerous' makes you feel like you're being swallowed whole, but at the same time feeling an odd sense of euphoria at the same time. It's achieved such a perfect blend that it feels so very wrong and so very right at the same time, all in the right ways.

36. Lorde - Melodrama

Lorde has had a quiet couple of years, but made her big comeback this year with an important sophomore release. As daunting as the follow-up may feel, it was evident from lead single 'Green Light' that she has knocked it out of the park. The single alone has a dark, moody start that leads into an anthemic pre-chorus with a new-found sense of maturity. Melodrama is the result of experiencing life after fame, from the grit of a party night to the aftermath of heartbreak. There isn't a moment where Lorde falters, no matter how personal she gets, and that's all what makes Melodrama so powerful.

35. David Bowie - No Plan

David Bowie's loss last year was a blow for art, but his legacy is here to stay. No Plan features outtakes and extras from last year's Blackstar, No Plan exemplifies that Bowie's brilliance was going strong until his very last breaths. The dynamic of the rocker 'Killing A Little Time' and the juxtaposition with closing track 'When I Met You' shows that Bowie had a long and plentiful career where he was not afraid of embracing change and trying something new. That's where his brilliance lied, and where it'll always shine.

34. Frances - Things I've Never Said

Setting out into the world for the first time is a scary concept, one that Frances tackles head on in Things I've Never Said. It's incredibly intimate, Frances truly wearing her heart on her sleeve as she sings of her insecurities atop minimalist pop instrumentals. It has something everyone can relate to, as what she sings about are intrinsic parts of being human. It's a capturing of the most bracing moments of growing up and being who we are; that's where it finds its staying power.

33. Foo Fighters - Concrete and Gold

The Foo Fighters have always had an element of surprise to them, yet they truly exercise it all in Concrete and Gold. With producer Greg Kurstin at the helm, Concrete & Gold is the Foos' loudest and dynamic album yet, from the massive, crushing riffs of 'Run' to the alternative, melodic, and anthemic 'The Line,' it's a loud and epic new sound for the Foo Fighters, and they've never sounded better.

32. Sorority Noise - You're Not As _____ As You Think

Sorority Noise is traditionally not considered the band to make heartbreakingly real tracks, but they definitely vie for that title in You're Not As _____ As You Think. From the optimistic yet tragic 'No Halo' to the soulful farewell of 'First Letter To St. Sean,' Sorority Noise find themselves battling their own minds and learning how to let go of the past, whether it means saying goodbye to a loved one or forgetting the memories that formed their minds in the first place. It's hard to swallow for yourself, yet perhaps this record will help you find comfort in that uncertainty.

31. Ryan Adams - Prisoner

Looking inwardly is often the key to some of music's best songs, and that's what Ryan Adams does throughout Prisoner. Wonderfully minimal and with just the right amount of lethargy, Prisoner dives into Adams' insecurities about love, life, and even fear itself. There's no wasted words on the record, every moment being plotted out just as is necessary. With the style of a rockstar but a reserved nature (most clearly seen in 'Do You Still Love Me?'), Adams shows both his character and his worries in his music.

30. Death From Above - Outrage! Is Now

Perhaps poetically, Death From Above finally dropped the "1979" from their name and released a very charged up album in Outrage! Is Now. Epic riffs and their signature disco groove are still present in songs like 'NVR 4EVR,' and the band achieved their first commercial success with 'Freeze Me,' but don't be distracted from the anger of the record. It's a call to arms to rise up against the norm and to truly own who you are, not being afraid of change and rather, embracing it.

29. Dillon - Kind

It takes a minute for the brilliance of Kind to sink in, but once it does, it opens a whole new world. The almost crooked sound of Dillon's innocent voice makes this album's growing industrial nature all the more powerful, as when it climaxes with the epic and thrilling '2. Kind,' you feel like there's something hiding behind the metallic synths that you can't quite fathom. It's haunting and it's brilliant, not afraid to make prolific statements but still reserved all the same.

28. Brockhampton - Saturation II

Brockhampton is one of hip-hop's last hopes. The self-proclaimed boy-band of the genre, this collective of producers and rappers are capable of incredible things, which includes creating three incredible albums in under a year. The second of these records, Saturation II, define the group's capabilities. From edgier, faster paced tracks like 'Queer' to the glorious ending in 'Summer,' Brockhampton can do everything and anything they want, even if it goes against the norms of the genre. There aren't many who are so gracefully fearless of being different than these guys.

27. Royal Blood - How Did We Get So Dark

Royal Blood didn't hit a sophomore slump; in fact, How Did We Get So Dark blew all expectations out of the park. The duo returned powerfully, loud bass guitars and thrilling drums ready, this year with one of rock's most epic records from 2017. The raucous sound of the epic 'Lights Out' shows that they haven't lost sight of who they are, but experimentation comes in the form of some added electronics in songs like 'Hole In Your Heart,' evidence enough that Royal Blood, too, are not afraid of change. They still ahve the riffs and style, and that'll keep them going a long way.

26. XXXTentacion - 17

Amongst rap's newcomers was XXXTentacion, a boy with a dark past and a present struggle. The conversation of mental health has never been more open than it has this year, and XXX's 17 delved straight into a personal account of it. Not abiding by any of the norms of hip-hop, XXXTentacion employs acoustic instrumentation and tells stories in his songs, showing the darkness behind depression and what it can do. It's an important addition to the conversation of mental health, and for a genre that is increasingly ignoring such social issues, it's important to see that there are still those speaking out against it.

We do not endorse XXXTentacion's actions, we are only looking at the message behind the music.

25. Nadia Reid - Preservation

The ambience of a country plays a big role in its music. New Zealand is a land of mystery, almost like another world. Nadia Reid's Preservation is a magically minimalist album, capturing with pristine imagery the same curiosity that surrounds her home country. With incredible reflection and lyrics, songs like 'Te Aro' bring the album to life with eerily slow movements and ghastly vocals. Preservation captures the essence of her home, and that sense of nature truly shines powerfully.

24. Zola Blood - Infinite Games

There is a lot of sensuality to be found in darkness, and that's exactly what Zola Blood explores throughout Infinite Games. From the glitchy, polygonal synths of opening track 'Infinite Games' to the smooth, haunting yet beautiful wails of 'The Only Thing,' Infinite Games is an enchanting record that will capture your attention in every way. It's the sound of an out-of-body experience, and you'll certainly be spiraling out while listening to it and getting lost in those amazing melodies and atmosphere.

23. Declan McKenna - What Do You Think About The Car?

Amongst the young new prospects in music, Declan McKenna is one of the most promising. With indie warmth and a brilliant sense of catchiness, What Do You Think About The Car? features some of the year's best pop secrets, such as the anthemic 'Brazil' and 'The Kids Don't Want To Go Home.' It's warm, fresh, and an optimistic view on a new generation of musicians - he's definitely an artist you'll want to keep you eyes on.

22. Nothing But Thieves - Broken Machine

Nothing But Thieves' debut album was so iconic, they had already massed a strong underground following that really let them takeoff. There was a lot of pressure building on them with their follow-up, but Broken Machine hits it out of the park. The band embraces electronica with the loud, groovy, and aggressive 'Live Like Animals' while the wild atmosphere of 'I Was Just A Kid' sees the band channeling their initial sound in its rawest form. Everything you love about Nothing But Thieves makes a return in Broken Machines, with new elements to keep their style moving forward.

21. Evanescence - Synthesis

Evanescence's orchestral element has always been what separated them from the rest, and Synthesis dives fully into that. From reimaginings of classics like 'Lacrymosa' and 'Bring Me To Life' to the anthemic, confident new songs like 'Imperfection,' Evanescence return powerfully in full form and with new life breathed into them. Perhaps not the album you'd expect from them, yet it's exactly the album they needed to show the world that they are back and more ready than ever to keep going strong.

20. Meadowlark - Postcards

The indie sound is becoming more and more normalized, but the bright new prospects in the genre, like Meadowlark, promise its longevity a new breath of life. Infusing pop and electronica into the signature indie formula, Meadowlark explore fields and mountains, as well as space and everything else in between. The brilliance of the melodies and atmosphere of 'Paraffin' really captures you, while the warmth of tracks like 'Sunlight' and the somber reflections of 'Undercover' will keep you captivated and involved all the same.

19. Depeche Mode - Spirit

Depeche Mode is no stranger to being the voice of revolution, and that remains true in Spirit. From the epic single 'Where's The Revolution' to the angry instrumental 'Poorman,' Depeche Mode promises that the only thing that will propel society forward again is to not let religion and politics cloud our own spirit. In the age of technology, the line between losing our own sense of being human is a real worry - let's heed by Spirit and take a minute to remember who we are.

18. Brockhampton - Saturation III

Brockhampton isn't the only artist to make the list twice, but they've certainly earned their spot. The conclusion to the Saturation trilogy sees the band employ everything they've got and bring out some incredible production and lyrics. The warm atmosphere of closing track 'Team' and it's dark beat change is only one of the brilliant moments on the record, the diversity of it being another key point; the aggression of 'Sister/Nation' directly juxtaposes the chill song that transitions right out of it, 'Rental.' Brockhampton is undeniably brilliant and are the future of hip-hop; it's only a matter of time until the rest of the world catches on.

17. Coldplay - Kaleidoscope

Coming off of their incredibly poppy A Head Full Of Dreams, Coldplay decided it was time to make a statement. The Kaleidoscope features some of the band's most thrilling and challenging material in years. The address the refugee crisis throughout Europe in 'A L I E N S,' one of the most atmospheric and beautiful songs of the year, while showing off their live prowess with a live recording of their collaboration with The Chainsmokers, 'Something Just Like This.' Coldplay aren't just phoning it in anymore; they have a real voice to keep their music powerful and memorably all the same.

16. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

Kendrick Lamar is the unquestioned and unchallenged king of hip-hop, and it's easy to understand why. He doesn't bother himself with petty beef (and when he does, he eviscerates anyone who tries to challenge him) and focuses on substance. 2015's To Pimp A Butterfly built his throne, and on DAMN. he sits comfortably on it. Scathing tracks like 'DNA.' and 'DUCKWORTH.' speak to his person and his past as he tells the story of his life and his family. Filled to the brim with unstoppable delivery and loaded with double-meanings, DAMN. is some of the strongest hip-hop released in the last decade and proves that no one can do it like Kendrick.

15. Mastodon - Emperor Of Sand

Mastodon is always as thrilling as they are intense, and that is shown time and time again in Emperor Of Sand. The band find themselves being crushingly anthemic in dark epics like 'Steambreather,' while at other times trying to crush and engulf you with the grandiose and wildly heavy riffs of 'Ancient Kingdom' and the urgency of 'Clandestiny.' It's dark, cathartic, and just plain heavy; it's the perfect blend for an anthemic metal record.

14. Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me

There are few things harder than losing a loved one. A Crow Looked At Me is Mount Eerie's mind after losing his wife to cancer. To call it heartbreaking is an understatement, as numbers like 'Swims' quietly look ahead at the emptiness of the future, quoting their daughter, who so painfully innocently asks her father about her mother: "Today our daughter asked me if mama swims / I told her, "Yes, she does. And that's probably all she does now." There's nothing to feel except empty when listening to this album, and it makes us love those we have little more.

13. Peter Silberman - Impermanence

There's a lot to be found in emptiness. Peter Silberman's Impermanence seeks out those emotions found in emptiness by creating it; you find more than just quietly upsetting sounds in the record. You find yourself and reflections of yourself in the music, whether you be at unnerving peace as the sun sets in paradise in 'Maya' or walking on a cold day in 'New York.' Impermanence creates a sense of just that: that time is fleeting. But in the moments we share listening to this album, it may feel like time is frozen while we come to that conclusion.

12. Soen - Lykaia

Thrilling. Carnivorous. Visceral. These are all qualities that describe Soen's Lykaia, a sonic unwinding of the darkest places of the human mind. With heavy riffs and giant vocals, Soen's mission is clear: to bring out the rawest forms of human emotion in their most basic forms. Lykaia is almost primitive by nature, but in this thrilling sense of primordial emotion, we connect with a side of ourselves we may not have even known existed.

11. Starset - Vessels

Starset began their adventure into space with 2014's Transmissions, but in this year's Vessels, they found the battle. Vessels is the sound of spacial warfare, wrought by our own race. From the anthemic yet explosive 'Back To The Earth' with its grand and epic synths to the thrilling ending of 'Starlight,' Starset really bring their all and leave a lasting, powerful impact on whoever ventures into space with them in this epic journey.

10. Ed Sheeran - Divide

Only Ed Sheeran can make an album specifically for radio play but still make an incredibly powerful one. Divide is nostalgic, modern, and thankful. Whether he be singing of love in tracks like 'Shape Of You' or 'Perfect,' or warmly remembering his childhood in 'Castle On The Hill,' Divide is an album that truly delves into his person. There's a certain humbleness on the record that makes you forget that he's a worldwide star, and on the beautiful farewell to his grandmother in 'Supermarket Flowers,' where he so warmly prays, "You were an angel in the shape of my mum / You got to see the person I have become / Spread your wings and I know / That when God took you back / He said, "Hallelujah, you're home," where his true character shines bright and clear.

9. Brand New - Science Fiction

Perfectionism is more or less an impossibility, but for Brand New's Jesse Lacey, every detail matters. Brand New's cryptic final album Science Fiction is masterfully built, each chord and note picked carefully and tenderly to achieve the right blend of crystalline perfection and emotional distraught. Epic, loud jams come in the form of '451,' and real emotion seethes through in the build of 'Same Logic/Teeth' and 'Could Never Happen.' It's rock at its most plotted out form, raw and visceral at its core. That's the only way Brand New can exist, and if this truly is their final stand, then they went out with power.

We do not endorse Jesse Lacey's actions, we're only looking at the power behind the music.

8. Harry Styles - Harry Styles

As each member of One Direction one by one take their own step into a solo career, it's evident that they're all taking vastly different paths. Harry Styles's self-titled album is as surprisingly different from what you'd expect as it is good. From the punchy, raucous 'Kiwi' to the love ballad 'Sweet Creature,' there's a very genuine tone to Styles' music as he channels his 80s heroes, such as The Rolling Stones and David Bowie. There's some truly fantastic and fun songs on Harry Styles, and never a dull moment as he continues to excel, track after track. Lead single 'Sign Of The Times' even finds time to make a true-hearted reflection on society and the times past. If there's anyone to watch out for, it's Harry Styles.

7. Linkin Park - One More Light Live

Linkin Park's One More Light Tour was undoubtedly one of their best in ages, and it was set to keep rolling strong before Chester Bennington's passing. One More Light Live captures the essence of the band's shows this summer perfectly, from the energetic and electrifying 'Talking To Myself' and 'Battle Symphony' to the haunting piano version of 'Crawling' and the heartbreaking 'One More Light.' Above all, One More Light Live captures the power of Chester Bennington's live voice, showing both his talent as a musician and the rawness of that voice that saved the millions of fans the band played to on the tour. Whether you're crying along to the memories of Chester or joining the chorus of the thousands of fans in each song, Linkin Park captured the real essence of their musicianship and the legacy they've created.

6. 10 Years - (how to live) AS GHOSTS

10 Years have always been the band defiing alternative rock but not breaking through, yet the best of them truly comes out in (how to live) AS GHOSTS. Wrought with intense riffs ('Ghosts') and haunting lyrics ('Lucky You'), 10 Years defines their sound and brings it to its strongest point in years. There's not a dull moment throughout the entire record, and you'll be jamming from start to finish.

5. Paramore - After Laughter

No longer the same angst-ridden emo rock band from the mid-2000s, Paramore delves deep into themselves on After Laughter. Channeling the essence of The Cure, After Laughter tries to stay optimistic in the face of depression, and it's easy to miss out on the dark tones of the record's messaged underneath the sweet melodies and sweet electronica. From the knowing sorrow of 'Fake Happy' to the ode to the difficulties of life in 'Hard Times,' After Laughter promises one important message: it's okay to not be okay. Just dance your heart out and forget about everything for awhile, and for those brief moments you'll remember why we wake up every day.

4. Julien Baker - Turn Out The Lights

Julien Baker is a tortured soul, and Turn Out The Lights reveals some of the reasons why. Heartbreaking stories are told about love and addiction throughout the record, from the haunting promises of 'Appointments' to the tale of fighting your own demons in 'Claws In Your Back,' Julien Baker wears more than just her heart on her sleeve. This beautifully tragic tale is an entire life of sorrow and pain put to sadly optimistic sounds.

3. Arcane Roots - Melancholia Hymns

Arcane Roots have the technical brilliance of Radiohead and the grandiose of Muse, and they take it a step further in Melancholia Hymns. Definitively one of the most wild, daring, and epic albums of 2017, Arcane Roots blaze confidently and powerfully ahead with each song. There's nothing more chaotic than the breakdown of 'Everything (All At Once)' and nothing quite as brooding as the slow, ominous build of 'Curtains.' Melancholia Hymns is chaos and integrity all at once; a brilliance that only Arcane Roots could bring together.

2. PVRIS - All We Know Of Heaven, All We Need Of Hell

The darkness of PVRIS' music is one that can only truly be understood by those who felt it. Masked under beautiful electronic atmosphere and excellent melodies is the tragedy of All We Know Of Heaven, All we Need Of Hell. Having gone through a hard breakup myself around the time the album was released, the messages of songs like 'Heaven,' where Lynn Gunn painfully cries out "You took my heaven away" and the anthemic but heartbreaking 'What's Wrong' that challenges, "I don't need a metaphor for you to know I'm miserable" resonated through my mind. All We Know Of Heaven, All We Need Of Hell is the reflections of a broken heart tired of its own regrets, and seeks to find freedom in releasing the memories once and for all. There is a power in this record that you may not initially understand, but in time, it will come.

1. Linkin Park - One More Light

Linkin Park has always been one of the most important bands in my life, and everyone has been affected by their music in some form. Losing Chester Bennington this year was a tragic loss not only for music, but for the world. The voice that had saved so many from themselves and gave people comfort in their pain had succumbed to his own, and that was tragically powerful. One More Light was Chester's final released music, and there was a lot of power hidden behind the poppier sound. Laced with brilliantly optimistic electronics and the signature Linkin Park brilliance, One More Light tackled depression on an incredibly personal scale. From dealing with loss in such a big world with 'One More Light' to leaving apologies to their kids in 'Invisible,' there isn't a moment on One More Light that isn't powerful in its execution. 'Sorry For Now' is a song that helped me some of the most painful moments I've ever experienced, and it's impossible to listen to the entire record without hurting for Chester. One More Light teaches us to remember that we're all a little broken on the inside, that not everything is okay. In the end, that's where the beauty of life is. Living through the bad experiences so that we know when we've found the good ones.

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rt8815 · 7 years

Text

Beethoven and The Doctor

Thanks for the love and advice, @dontshootmespence @criminal-minds-fanfiction

Word count: 2,058 (I’m long winded, sorry.) Proofread, hopefully no mistakes.

I fixed it!

Stupidly long author’s note to follow :P XD

It was a bright, warm October morning in Washington, D.C. Penelope Garcia and Derek Morgan strode into the apartment building swiftly, the former with an air of sheer determination, the latter with one of mild trepidation.

“Baby Girl, I’m not so sure we should -”

“Shush, you,” Garcia interjected, playfully slapping Derek on the arm. “This. Is. Happening. I put a lot of thought into today’s festivities and he will have fun, even if it kills him.”

Morgan raised his arm in front of her, halting their climb up the stairs. He had a stern expression on his face. “Penelope, Reid said he didn’t want a huge fuss on his birthday,” he said reproachfully.

“Oh, he doesn’t know what he wants,” Garcia countered as she rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively.

Morgan released a heavy sigh, resignedly following the clickety-clack of Penelope’s ridiculously high heels when she resumed her journey up the staircase. “He did agree to dinner with everyone tonight, but as much as he’ll love spending time with us, it’ll also exhaust him. We know how overstimulated Reid gets – all that noise, the camera flashes, the crowd – he needs quiet time alone to prepare himself for that.”

They had reached Reid’s floor. Garcia paused on the landing before turning to face Morgan. She looked crestfallen and slightly ashamed of herself. “I know, you’re right,” she conceded, “I…but,” she pouted as she defiantly raised the platter in her hands, “…Doctor Who cupcakes.”

Morgan flashed his impossibly white smile. “I know, Mamma. I worry about him too. Let’s leave these at his door and we can text him so he knows they’re out here. That work for you?”

Garcia, however, wasn’t paying attention to him. “Shhh, can you hear that?”

Morgan listened for a second, then he caught it; somebody nearby was playing an electric guitar. More like making it sing. “They’re talented, whoever they are…ummm, is that…Beethoven?”

“Derek, it’s coming from Reid’s apartment.” They meandered towards the door, their heads tilted in curiosity, their hearts warmed by the performance. It had clearly been practiced to perfection, but not for a packed concert hall or a panel of judges.

No, this felt more…personal, more intimate. Morgan opened his mouth to say just that when Garcia interrupted his thoughts. “Hold on, Reid doesn’t play guitar, so how…oh, wait…” realization dawned on Garcia’s face as she broke into a devilish grin.

“Oh-ho-ho. Spencer, you naughty boy,” she giggled quietly, prompting Morgan to raise his eyebrows.

“What in the world are you on about, Penelope?”

“It’s McKinley, it has to be. I guess she took the day off work. Well, no wonder he didn’t wanna spend the day with us,” whispered Garcia, whose cheeks were now flushed with excitement.

Morgan’s eyes shifted from Garcia to the door while he processed her statement. “You mean the McKinley? Works at The Smithsonian McKinley? The one he’s been dating for almost a year?”

Penelope nodded in confirmation. “Ley’s also in a band; they sub for a couple of house bands around the city.”

Morgan chuckled admiringly, impressed with both this mystery woman and his kid brother. “All right, Pretty Boy! Get some,” he cheered quietly. “Man, I really need to keep in touch more; I’m missing a lot – too much.” In the background, the last couple notes of “Für Elise” rang through the air, quickly followed by lilting, if somewhat nervous, laughter.

“So, Doctor, what’s the verdict? Give me your honest review.”

Reid took a moment to respond. “It’s not what I expected, but that was lovely, Kinley, thank you.”

“You know, for someone whose career hinges in no small part on controlling your affect and demeanor, you’re surprisingly terrible at lying, Spencer,” McKinley admonished him.

Outside the door, Derek snorted lightly.

“What?! I’m not lying, Kinley,” Reid exclaimed, his voice rising an octave or two.

“There it is! You’re using your squeaky voice! Always a dead giveaway.”

“Squeaky voice? I do not have a – never mind. I meant what I said, McKinley.”

Derek started shaking with silent laughter, while Penelope smirked proudly as she leaned against the doorframe. She had apparently borne witness to this type of exchange between the lovebirds before.

“You’re hedging, and you know I don’t tolerate that. I’m a grown-ass woman, Spencer. I can handle constructive criticism. I welcome it, in fact. You’re censoring yourself in an attempt to spare my feelings, and that’s insulting. It’s unfair – to me and to you.”

“You played beautifully,” Spencer reiterated.

“But?” McKinley wouldn’t budge. Judging by the full minute of awkward silence, it appeared that Reid wouldn’t either.

“Oh, she’s good,” Derek mouthed at Penelope, “and she calls him on his b.s. I like her already.” Garcia waved her hands dramatically. “Wait until you meet her tonight,” she gushed.

“Okay,” Reid finally relented, “I don’t believe that classical music ought to be played on electric guitars – electric anything. The juxtaposition is too jarring. It feels…wrong. They shouldn’t mix, and I’m quite certain the composers would agree.”

“Pffft, Beethoven totally would’ve been a metalhead,” McKinley declared. “Anyway, I understand; classical music and rock are to you what meat and sweet are to me. Bacon dipped in maple syrup? Ewww! And yet some people like the combination. Now I know to pull out my keyboard for certain songs.”

“I didn’t want to sound ungrateful,” Reid mumbled apologetically.

“You complimented me on how well I played, didn’t you?! We’re not required to enjoy all the same things because we’re dating. And Spencer, every day you show me how much you appreciate me.”

“You must’ve worked on that for weeks, though, Kinley.”

“Yeah, and you burned the midnight oil on that Edgar Allan Poe painting you gave me for my birthday. It’s unconventionally beautiful. The painting is very…you. That’s why I love it; that’s why I love you, Spencer Reid. You couldn’t be cookie cutter even if you tried.”

Derek and Penelope swore they felt the heat from Reid’s blush oozing through the door.

When Reid replied, he sounded pleasantly breathless. “That’s one of the reasons I love you, too. You’re unapologetically different.”

Another silence fell, except this time a sweet bashfulness filled the apartment.

“They’re exchanging ‘I love yous’ now?! Yes!” Penelope whisper-screamed, punching the air. “My OTP grows stronger by the day. Derek, I can see it now,” she murmured dreamily, placing her hand on his chest. “They’ll have a spring wedding. JJ, Em, Tara, and I will help with the planning. We’ll be bridesmaids! You’ll be the best man.” Garcia did a little happy dance, then suddenly gasped. “And baby geniuses! Maybe we’ll get a goddaughter this time!”

“Just be cool, baby, damn,” Morgan snickered.

“Oh goodness,” McKinley’s voice echoed from within the apartment, “look at the time, Spencer! It’s nearly 9:00! We need to hustle if we’re gonna finish everything before we have to head over to Rossi’s.” Morgan and Penelope could hear the two moving around, packing up her guitar, setting mugs in the sink.

“That’s our cue to leave, Penelope. You know what, let’s take these cupcakes to the front desk. If we drop them at the door and text Reid now…well, it’s bad enough that we eavesdropped, but if he finds out, he’ll be embarrassed.”

“Agreed. I’ll write a note saying we figured he was still asleep and we didn’t want to disturb him.”

A few minutes later, the two were walking arm-in-arm around the corner to Derek’s rental car, Garcia enthusiastically discussing the details of the party she and JJ had organized, and wondering out loud if McKinley had slept over at Reid’s.

...

“So, you ready for this shindig?” McKinley asked through Spencer’s bedroom door. Ever the gentleman, he had graciously offered his room to her so she could change clothes, while he changed out in the living room.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” replied Spencer. “I mean, it’ll be fun – family, friends, good food – but I hope Garcia didn’t go too far overboard…again.”

McKinley pulled an amused face. “‘Hope she didn’t go overboard’? Have you met Penelope Garcia? That’s the only way she knows how to do,” laughed McKinley, checking herself in the mirror one last time. “Are you decent?”

“Yeah,” Spencer answered, “just putting on my tie.” Penelope insisted that everyone wear semi-formal attire, or she’d have their heads. They both thought it was ridiculous, but one simply doesn’t argue with Lady G.

“All right, I’m coming out then.” Cracking open the door, McKinley scanned the living room for Spencer. She spotted him fixing his tie by his reflection in the window. Nervously - she wasn’t used to getting so dressed up - she took a few steps toward Spencer and waited for him to finish.

McKinley’s eyes traveled from his wavy, unkempt hair down to his mismatched sock and Converse-clad feet. She stifled a giggle: her Doctor in a blue suit and All Stars.

“Holy hell, he’s gorgeous,” exclaimed a voice in McKinley’s head, shocking her. She’d always found Spencer objectively attractive, but that didn’t even make the list of reasons she initially felt drawn to him, and it certainly had nothing to do with why she loved him. It was almost everything else, but mainly it was his kindness.

However, since their first kiss and ‘I love yous’ two months ago, McKinley had developed…new feelings for the good Doctor. Feelings she recognized, but had never experienced before. Feelings she had yet to discuss with her boyfriend. Tingly in the pants feelings.

Spencer was still fussing over his tie, so she continued quietly admiring him from behind.

“Behind…he has a cute behind, doesn’t he?” That voice again.

“Behave.” McKinley scolded herself.

“I mean, purple’s his best color, but check out that tush in navy. Rrrr.”

“Stop it! Stop that right now!” McKinley forced her eyes upward, where they settled on Spencer’s face. He was fighting a losing battle to keep the tie straight, biting his lower lip in frustration.

“Well, you already know those taste of coffee, peppermint, and – now that it’s fall - pumpkin spice. How does the rest of him taste, though?”

“Lord have mercy, who am I kidding? That’s no tingle, that’s a throb.”

In spite of herself, a small whimper escaped McKinley’s lips.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer asked, slowly turning to face her. “Are you worried about sensory overload at the party? You can take breaks inside Rossi’s house, everyone will underst- wow,” he exhaled, cutting himself off before lapsing into stunned silence.

Spencer closed the space dividing them, continuing to stare in awe. “No,” she thought, “it’s more than that. His eyes. He looks…hungry? Oh!”

McKinley felt heat creep up her cheeks as her gaze lowered to the floor, landing on Spencer’s shoes. “Yes, a distraction!” “Wow, yourself, Doc-tah,” she replied, laughing at her awful British accent as much as his outfit.

“I – what? Oh, that was unintentional,” he claimed, chuckling at his wardrobe choice. “What about you?” he asked, gesturing at her ensemble. “Deliberate or happy accident?”

McKinley glanced down. Her empire waist, A-line dress was a deep amethyst, her footed tights a snowy white, and her low heels an emerald green. “Ummm, it must’ve been stirring in my subconscious. Not exactly subtle, is it?”

“No, but when have you ever been subtle? It’s helpful, though; your candor removes the guesswork for me.” Spencer brought his hands to McKinley’s face and pulled her in for a kiss. It had more heat, she noted, than their previous ones. And tongue. And hand wandering. It also ended too quickly to suit her.

“Okay, time to go,” Spencer announced, grabbing McKinley’s hand and stepping towards the door; she, however, stayed rooted to the spot. “Uuum, give me a second?” She played for time under the pretense of checking her clutch.

“Most sexy to least sexy, that’s how Sarah says she ‘calms down.’ Think! Ah, Mick Jagger strutting on stage. He’s aesthetically beautiful and he exudes an air of confidence - that’s sexy. What next? Bleh, period bloat. The girls plump up, which is fun, but so does my belly. Least sexy? Oh, gross: the shower drain mold that refuses to die.”

McKinley turned to face Spencer. “I’m all set. Lead the way.”

“After you,” he replied, holding the door for her.

“There’s no mistaking it.” McKinley spotted him grinning mischievously in her peripheral vision. “He knows, and he’s teasing me.”

---

I originally called this “Cupcakes and Confessions,” which I feel is a cringeworthy title, not that “Beethoven and The Doctor” is any better. Anyway…I also edited this and added a huge chunk at the end.

Just for clarification, this snippet and the one to follow take place October 12, 2018. The team celebrated Reid’s 24th birthday in S1E4, “Plain Sight,” which aired October 12, 2005. S7E11, “True Genius,” which aired January 18, 2012, had them belatedly celebrating Boy Wonder’s 30th birthday. I’m going with an October birthday for Reid because, well, duh. I’m also keeping his age ambiguous.

Stories don’t need to be told chronologically, so I’ll be jumping around a little. The next part will cover the party and provide a lovely segue to the actual start of Spencer and the OC’s relationship.

Finally: drawing isn’t my strong suit, but I felt that the fic needed something extra.

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x oc #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction

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televinita · 7 years

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Zoo 3.11, “Cradles and Graves”

Maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me

I don't know if I'm more upset that this show had the gall to unironically use (a cover of)“Wonderwall” for dramatic effect, or that after 3 days of my inability to stop watching this episode, it's actually working for me.

I distinctly remember bursting out laughing when the first lyrics hit my ears, and now I'm like, teary eyed and nodding sagely through that whole montage. "Wow. So deep. So profound and meaningful."

------

A list of things I did not care for this week: the IADG bullpen unless Tessa was talking. Now that we've got that out of the way... Some things I like about the first 5 minutes -Imagining the Darkest Timeline version where they are all already dead by the time Clem finds them. -The (unintentional?) hilarity of the fact that Jackson's blood waits for the exactly perfect moment to ooze under the door for maximum dramatic effect -The fact that Mitch is found on the stairs instead of where he was shot, which suggests to me that he got to feel the full horror of seeing both Max and Jamie on the ground before he succumbed to his own wound (which is probably just an irresponsible directing choice because if he had, I'd think he'd be a little more grateful about the whole them-not-being-dead part, but it's fun to think about! Otherwise I just get bogged down again in wondering about the logistics of GSW injuries.) Ctrl + Z I loved it, but my parents and I could not stop laughing during the entire resurrection scene. "So I guess everybody's actively dying and no one can help us, but it's cool. Just gimme some of that tank serum (totally valid medical term) and mix it with water (just your basic home remedy recipe), and then we'll suffocate them back to life and five minutes later their mortal wounds will be fine and we can get on with the real problems." A.K.A. So there's example 57 or so of an entire episode's worth of possible plot being pushed aside because this show refuses to take a breath. We could have wrung so much more emotion out of Clementine, whilst ignoring her own signs of labor, trying to triage her father, grandfather, adoptive mother, surrogate uncle I'm pretending she is already attached to more than I'm sure she is, and other surrogate uncle who is also her best chance of saving her baby, the most important of all, if something goes wrong in delivery. ...and GDI now I gotta go find a special episode of Grey's Anatomy to get my mass tragedy fix. But I'm grateful that even at Zoo speed, they still gave me a little taste (in two flavors!) of people suffering the after-effects of injuries the serum couldn't fully fix. You're Responsible, You're the One to Blame, It's Your Fault :( to everyone being too busy hating her to notice Jamie cradling a clearly injured arm. But I love absolutely every sentence in this 7-way argument, including but not limited to Mitch's strangled "are you full term? how long was I out?!", the group-wide reveal of when exactly Mr. Duncan disappeared, Jackson's deadly-quiet anger, Jamie's valid defense of her actions, Mitch trying to take his daughter and blow this popsicle stand at a doubled-over limp, Clem taking her sweet time mentioning the quarantine, Max and Jamie's "oh" realizations about the plane, and Mitch's fabulously cranky echo and "what now" attitude. Last but far from least, the disgusted "I can't even look at you" was kind of my favorite part? I dig it when one member of an OTP is that intensely furious at the other out of hurt. (see also: Castle at the end of season 4)

A+ Comic Relief Laughing for 1 million years at Clem hopping off the exam table pantsless while all the men in the vicinity double take and look away* (except for Sam, whom Mitch hilariously whacks on the arm for his impudence, in my favorite sight gag since "Special Consultant") *the fact that Abe also does this, while understandably instinctive and appropriately respectful, is also kind of hilarious given where he just was

Oh My Darling(s, Sam &) Clementine (who can't make a good shipmanteau to save their life) I don't have enough interest to do it myself, but it sure sounds like the story of how they met would make a pretty great YA novel plot. Anyone who doesn't actually want to spend the month trying to be a paid author need a NaNoWriMo prompt? Particularly someone who likes world-building, because this show leaves things wide open to fill in the details of U.S. society outside New York and the plane. Speaking of which! Did Clem happen to share with him the part of her backstory about being raised as an orphan basically the same way for the same reason? Because that seems like it would decently bond them. I like this parallel. Also update, I am getting a lot fonder of his face, mostly because he shut up and stayed out of the way except when I needed him to chime in to be sweet and supportive of Clementine (or side with her dad about ranking her over the baby on the priority list). He seems like he's really tried/is trying to be a good partner, and I'm impressed that he holds his ground despite a faceful of largely unwarranted hostility from her. I might actually be okay with him being the head of his family, even though up until now my head has danced with visions of Clem raising her baby under Mitch (and Jamie)'s purview and/or roof, Last Man Standing style. (although I guess there's always Reba-style, where both young parents are under that roof) (I realize I'm making a lot of assumptions about everyone's ability to stay alive and/or live a semi-normal life)

Beta Ship 2.0 / My Wonderwall** There's something immensely funny to me about the juxtaposition of Jackson being in his Brooding Cave Of Isolated Despair while Tessa is in a brightly ilt location, in the middle of the hustle and bustle and basically being like, "Buck up and stop being so melodramatic." (Jackson: The prophecies have spoken. Food turns to dust in my mouth. A great wave shall fall upon us all. // Tessa: is your plane out of groceries again?) But on a serious note, I love so much that he's thisclose to broken until she pulls him out of it that I'm not even gonna whine about him asking Tessa to do the same thing he's punishing Jamie for. Though in his defense, he did say "stop" her and not "kill her,” which is an important distinction for him. **My friend once wrote a Jim/Pam (The Office) parody of Jim/Pam stories using this title, and that is at least 50% of why I can't take this song seriously even though I actually have always loved it.

I Don't Know What To Do My Whole Brain is Celebrating "How do you know the name of Jamie's scorpion?" "Because my son and Jamie have, uh, very lively pillow talk."** !!!!!!!!!! NO BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.

The fact that Abe pipes up despite a sucking chest wound just so he can help take the mick out of Mitch is glorious. The cranky and ineffectual "shut up" in response is THE BEST. I love that Mitch has just always blatantly refused to publicly acknowledge how he feels about Jamie, despite the fact that everyone and their mother is like, "Oh yeah, I know Mitch. Snarky scientist, walks around with hearts in his eyes to match the one on his sleeve?" (Mitch, in the distance: I do not LOVE her, okay, I just...miss her when she's not around, think about her all the time, and I imagine us one day running towards each other in slow motion and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.) I doubly appreciate this exchange because I was wondering when the hell these people actually sleep and I was getting worried there was no recognizable place in canon that they might have both had a chance to go to bed at the same time. **This writer could not have more clearly been flagging us with a fic prompt. Max Morgan, Love Doctor My very favorite of the small moments in this ep is Max insisting that Mitch let him patch him up. I was all on board for some serious injury, but I loved the subversion of his attention being caught by the scars I thought the show had forgotten about instead. "Oh, Mitch."

That just kills me. I want to unpack their relationship right here so much more, but also, it's 7pm on the night of new Zoo. Suffice to say Mitch isn't the only parent who suffers over the thought of his kid being in pain tonight, and that's beautiful. And gosh do I love him quietly, individually, nudging Mitch and Jamie back towards each other. The promise that Mitch will understand eventually was an immediate balm upon my soul. If Max says a thing about my ship, it must be true! Mitch + Being A Mess of Emotions About His Daughter (if anyone wanted to make a gifset off of this theme I would not be opposed) Words cannot express how thrilled I am that Mitch gives zero bothers about Sam's baby daddy rights and takes up prime positioning to stroke Clementine's hair nonstop throughout the whole labor,* even stealing the requisite final "you can do this" encouragement. He also gets to be the first one to hold the baby and it's amazing.

* and makes some pretty wonderful faces over how hard it is to see her in pain and not be able to do anything about it -- and remind me I've got either some meta or a story scrap about how this is what Audra was on the front lines for all those years he selfishly hid away, telling himself it was for the best P.S. As much as I love that Mitch just falls apart in full Worried Dad mode and can't seem to process a single medical term or physical symptom as it pertains to pregnancy, you know that if Abe weren't a sex doctor and the writers weren't butts, Mitch would absolutely be whipping out the stethoscopes and telling us all about the time he delivered a baby gorilla so this is basically the same thing -- I imagine Clem would take loud offense here -- while roping in Jamie as a delivery nurse to follow his instructions to the letter (because there are some things fathers just should not do no matter how brilliant they are). Things I would like to know Why Mitch -- who apparently had a through and through -- is the only one whose gunshot wound is still bothering him Why Clementine didn't once ask where Jamie was. (at which point I'd really like to see Mitch try and explain that one.)

It is straight up ridiculous to me that 19-year-old girl in labor, surrounded by men, would not want a woman with her, particularly one she loves. This is the most "what...man...[wrote] this" moment I have ever had about TV.

Did I just miss it, or is it kinda weird that Sam doesn't bat an eye upon finding out Charles Duncan is actually a different person and his girlfriend's father?

Leftover Thoughts

This show is so nuts, I am just now realizing I didn't even stop to wonder how the hell Abigail reanimated herself last week before now.

Mitch being a testy bitch @ Abe is a thing that just does not get old. ("You put hybrid goo in my daughter? Was that not worth a little chat?")

Aww @ Mitch's mini pep-talk about being a good parent, followed by the "OK time to go" and the sweet "I'm having this baby?" / "You are having this baby."

I also really enjoy Mitch deciding to be cranky about Sam just because he's there and he can. It's kinda like sniping at Logan, but more fun and with way better reasons. (Which I hope is exactly what Mitch says when Clementine inevitably tells him to knock it off)

"Goodbye frequent flyer miles" lmao

I love that instead of shutting down the beacon by cutting the wire, they multiplied its effect by a thousand and destroyed a city, to which the response is basically, "Whoops."

"You've been good for my son. Take care of him for me." So I LOVE THIS, but also: dammit Max that is not what "die for our ship" means.

But I love the moment where Jamie and Max, individually, hear the baby crying. The joy dawning on their faces is so pure it actually makes it worthwhile that they're not present at the birth itself.

(I know we're especially mad about Jamie. But honestly, if it means All Mitch All The Time, that's an OK trade to me.)

tl;dr if something is not mentioned please assume I loved it

COMING SOON:

(will be links shortly) Mini essays analyzing Jamie V. Jackson, Mitch/Jamie and Max's death.

In conclusion: I spent my entire night writing this, but it was worth it. Future Me is gonna love looking back.

#cbs zoo #episode reactions #zoo 3.11 #2200 words AND THIS ISN'T EVEN ALL OF IT #most of the Mitch and Jamie analysis is yet to come

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the-emerald-halla · 7 years

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Appreciation Post

So I’m having one of those days where I’m just feeling really extra grateful and in love with you guys and our community, and I wanted to take a moment to single some people out who really mean a lot to me because I dunno, I feel like it’s important to let people know when you love and care for them. Under the cut so I don’t clog your entire dash!!

Please take this as an opportunity to reblog and talk about some of your own favourite mutuals and friends! I feel like we don’t take enough time to tell people why we love and appreciate them! Also this fandom can be a dumpster fire and this is my way of throwing holy water on the dark parts to ward away the awfulness so please join me in doing so hahaha

@pathfindersemail - My first fandom friend. I don’t need to say much because you already know how I feel about you. But this list wouldn’t be right if it didn’t start with you.

@inquisitorhierarch - Another person I don’t need to say much about, because like I’ve already drunkenly screamed it at you over Facebook?? Multiple times?? I swear I’ve cracked multiple ribs from how hard we make each other laugh and I really cherish you.

@perseus-huntress - I know the cheesiness might be too much for you so I’ll keep this short. We’ve talked every single day for a long time now and you’re like, an absolute fixture in my life. You helped me build my PC and taught me to mod and flycam and you’re always patient through all my panic attacks about things not working the way they should be. You’re an amazing friend and I love you.

@galadrieljones - I’ll never forget that time that I finished my first complete Solavellan playthrough and joined Tumblr to look for content to heal my damaged heart, and first found your essays. Honestly I was so nervous to send you an ask that day! But you were so warm and welcoming from the beginning and I’m so honoured to know you. Thank you for helping to bring me into this fandom. Plus, name twins! [Sene is beautiful and radiant and I can’t look at a picture of a girl with curly red hair without thinking of her. I think my favourite little story that I’ve read about her was your description of her trying to catch snakes when she was younger - for whatever reason that just really sticks out in my mind! Something about youthful energy and the juxtaposition of her bright hair against the green and shadows of the forest!]

@ladylike-foxes - Oh my god you are just like, I don’t know. I don’t even have words. You’re like this bright light or halo in the world. Your kindness and enthusiasm is inspiring and infectious. You’re absolutely beautiful, inside and out. 12/10, literal angel. My world and the fandom would be much darker without you in it. [Halesta has such a vibrant and strong personality and I’m just in total awe of how well-developed she is as a character! Whenever I need a laugh I think about our conversation about passive-aggressively sending Solas a jar of furniture polish for his head before marching off to war!]

@hansaera - You are just so kind and sweet. Your art is incredible, I’m just blown away by your creativity and the depth of feeling that you incorporate into your pieces. Hopefully we can get modding working for you soon, I can’t wait to see what you come up with! [Athelas is such a beautiful and unique soul, I love seeing her on my dash. I’m praying we get a soft ending for Solavellan so that she and Solas can become the amazing parents that you envision!]

@ir-atisha - I know we haven’t exactly talked personally very much yet, but I dunno I just really adore you and your blog. Your kindness shines through in everything you say and do. I’ve always been a huge fan of your blog. You’re going to be an incredible teacher, you’re exactly the kind of person who should be shaping young minds. [Atisha is stunning! I must admit I don’t know much about her (YET), but I immediately recognize her when I see her on my dash!]

@elfsplaining - Another person I haven’t spoken with very much yet! But you have such a bright and unique presence on my dash and I hope to get to know you better. Your enthusiasm for Lavellans is something with which I really identify. NEVER ENOUGH PRETTY LAVELLANS. [Shaera is so soft and beautiful, I hope she gets the happy ending with Solas that she deserves!]

@thevikingwoman - I love you!! You’re so enthusiastic and I love seeing you on my dash. Something I really appreciate about you is your curiosity and open mind - how you always ask questions and try to understand the world better. It’s a quality that I really admire and aspire to. I think a lot of the world’s problems would be solved if more people tried to be like you! You give so much encouragement to the fandom and I just wanted you to know that it is seen and it is appreciated! [Iwyn is such a creative character! I love how much you’ve done with her. I always love coming across your posts about her because you’ve put so much work into her and she feels so vibrant and real.]

@roguelioness - Honestly my favourite thing that’s ever happened in my tenure on this website was that time we totally impulsively cowrote that Solavellan story. I know I mention it constantly but like it really meant so much to me. It was such a beautiful outpouring of emotion and there were times that my hands were shaking while we were writing. I’ll always treasure that memory and that story! When you accidentally deleted your blog, I immediately noticed that you were missing and I’m so glad you came back! [Neria is a beautiful ethereal creature of light and I wish I knew more about her!]

@princessvicky01 - I know we haven’t talked in a while but this list wouldn’t be complete without you! I’m gearing up for a new Cullavellan playthrough soon and I’m sure I’ll come screeching back into your inbox to sob about him!!

Honestly I wish I could tag and write about every person I’ve ever met on this site but this is already getting really long! I love you guys so much and I always invite absolutely anyone and everyone to come introduce yourself so we can be friends!

#this is my version of a call-out post

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kierongillen · 7 years

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Writer Notes: The Wicked + the Divine 28

Spoilers, obv.

I mentioned in the back of the issue that I was thinking that Imperial Phase Part I would just end with no climax. As in, what would be more proggy and self-indulgent than to do that? Just to assume that people would accept a whole year of issues as a single trade, and have that slow build. And if people are expecting a surprise, not having a surprise would be the bigger one?

Except I plotted out the fucker, and realised this issue would end the trade, and that works pretty well as a climax. Not as big as any of the other ones, arguably, but wider and certainly a change of status quo. Plus it's an unexpected answer to the question of “Who's going to die?” undermining the assumption that it has to be one of our core cast.

This is probably a good example of how I talk about knowing everything in WicDiv, but the execution being more flexible. As in, all these beats are there, but working out how to play them came when planning these two arcs.

It's a hard issue for me, to be honest. WicDiv is definitely in a cause of anxiety place for me now, and thematically I can see why. WicDiv is always a juggling act, but I'm aware I'm juggling knives.

Jamie's Cover: The last of the first half of Imperial Phase. The design continues to the second half of Imperial Phase, with variations. I think this one is particularly beautiful, but pointed.

Elsa Charretier's Cover: We met Elsa when we were launching WicDiv in France. Glenat, our French Publisher, had commissioned her to do a WicDiv print. That was beautiful, and we asked her if she'd be up for a cover. And lo, this was born. The commission was glamour and sex – I think I suggested the idea of a sun in a martini glass. Elsa summoned this panorama that I just lose myself in.

It's also one of our rare Alt covers which is actually coloured by Matt Wilson, who took a pretty radical approach to the image. Matt Wilson for Eisner!

Page 1 Last time I talked about having a surplus of material and working out how to present it, and it actually all compressing down worryingly well. I had my list of things I wanted to happen before the party. I realised that some of them – mainly Sakhmet related – I could move into issue 29. Which left this, which I felt as an incredibly low-key mundane scene made a fun thing to hard cut from to the party.

Roehampton chosen due to me doing a seminar at the University there last year. I felt that Blake would be teaching in a place like it.

Jamie had a hefty re-write of this one when drawing it, and we chewed over the execution in chat a little. “The script is the start of a conversation, not the end of it.”

Wall stuff was also done in conversation. I gave Jamie a bunch of suggestions and we unpacked a little more. Shall I go though and say what they all are? I'm not sure if I can recognise them in fragments. That's Girl's Generation, the K-Pop band on the left. They were the primary visual inspiration for the Valkyries. Oh – and Jamie tells me that's Katy Perry on the right.

Page 2 I am very fond of the side-eye of Blake in the second panel. Strong Jamie expression.

Behind Blake is... League of Legends, Ghost in the Machine and Voltron.

And another really strong face in the last panel.

Page 3 Oddly, Cassandra's habit of little encouraging asides to people seems to be a thing now. How will people read them in world? Actually sincerely or patronising? I guess it depends how defensive they were feeling on any given day.

Page 4 A call back to Larkin's This Be The Verse, quoted by Luci in the first issue, recalled by Laura in issue 6.

My first draft title was Pride, drawing a line between Blake's parental pride and Sakmet's pride of lions. And then we remembered it'll also call to mind Pride, which when there's a slaughter at a pansexual orgy, is definitely not a comparison we wanted to make. So we went to this.

I suspect these writer notes are mainly my “here are some of the landmines we nearly stepped on” log.

Page 5 Originally the line was a lift of Lady Vox's in Phonogram, but something more noxious was clearly better. I called for the cocaine-tool, and Jamie out-did himself. The mosquito-like device emerging from the helmet is quite the thing. I suspect this is a left over Iron Man idea.

The visual element of the performance of the colouring-stage added symbols came from Matt. He was playing with various overlapping shapes, which were beautiful, but didn't seem to be anything other than a cute aesthetic. And then we realised that if we made them all Amaterasu symbols it'll integrate into the whole book. And lo, it does.

When plotting this issue, it's very much a “okay, what order CAN they be in.” I suspect I'd have rather taken more time to get to the confrontation, but everything else is more important to be in its place. Space is the interesting one – I suspect given an infinite budget we'd have have played more space to introduce this party/temple, probably with a issue-8 style dance-floor shot. But we don't, so we go completely the other way with this very TIGHT open, and put you in the middle of this slightly disorientating party you build up piecemeal.

Page 6 This involved some consultancy here, as I suspected (and I was right) that the original draft of Cassandra's dialogue let Woden off the hook too easily. We ended up tweaking a bunch to make her angrier to start, and still angry at the end, even after she takes Woden's point. I suspect I'd have gone even further given a chance to do it again.

(I mean, do you believe Woden that he didn't click? Plus that he knows the implicit threat by saying he didn't click – as in, he definitely could click if he wanted to. This is particularly noxious by Woden.)

End of the page is the closest we get to an establishing shot of the club/temple, btw.

Note that Jamie has moved away from a strict eight panel grid here, which suits the material. That panels two and five are these relatively smaller moments means that it would be dead space.

Page 7 And notice the strict eight panel grid here, which Jamie maintains as all these beats are basically of equal narrative weight.

Panel 7 is Jamie redrawing the splash from Brandon Graham's issue. Clearly relevant to what's coming further down the line.

In an issue of fairly bleak jokes, I think Woden's last panel takes the prize.

Page 8 The sequence is the last bit of set-up for the end of the issue. I suspect a re-read of the last couple of issues will see what I considered the necessary Sakhmet beats to get here. Next issue has more, but it's all very morning-after.

Special call out for Clayton for the second panel, which uses a PING! To basically split this panel into two panels in terms of reading. There's Amaterasu's first line... a small delay – and then the next piece of information. This is joined to the left-right movement across the panel from seeing the back of her head (I'm leaving!) to the right side of the panel (Where we then see she's looking at her phone.)

The softest beat of the issue, and probably one that I'd have stressed more if it was only a grace note, would be the reason for Baal's absence. Persephone assumes it's because that she is there, hence the segue in conversation on hurting people.

(In a boring practical way, Baal and Minerva not being here streamlines an issue which all the cast are present at. They don't need to be here, and their absence says more.)

The last three panels on the page are the closest that Sakhmet has come to a speech. Originally, there was about twice as much dialogue, but we worked it over obsessively to get to the core essentials (and try and avoid juxtapositions which we simply didn't want.) C and I shouting various takes and word-switches for about an hour in the living room.

All the WicDiv characters depress me. I think Sakhmet depresses me most of all.

Page 9 Anyway, yes, Sakhmet, that is a very good look.

Sakhmet's entry for the bleak joke competition, evidently.

Page 10 That we cut away from Casssandra means we get to cut back to her after the reasonable stage of an exchange and straight into this.

Hmm. There's something odd about this issue in terms of how pretty it all is, versus the emotions that are flying around. That's Amaterasu all over though.

The third panel was key for us to have Amaterasu's lines juxtaposed by Cassandra's response, so that it couldn't be taken out of context. A character responding to another character's incoherent racism is important context. I considered the archaic spelling “Moslem” but decided that while I'm sure that Amaterasu would use it, it wasn't worth putting in the text. It's offensive enough anyway.

Page 11 Some fascinating character work by Matt and Jamie on Amaterasu's speech to camera. The passive-aggressive nature of her threat is particularly sickly.

Cass' swearing is a delight.

I think I originally did something like “Clawing her eyes out” and tweaked as I) gendered ii) with where the issue goes, sets up all sorts of uncomfortable resonances with both Morrigan and Sakhmet. WicDiv is designed to be viewed as a hologram, so removing data strands that aren't intended is key.

(I mean, I talk about being anxious earlier? That's certainly a reason. There's so many moving parts in this fucker, and for all our efforts we can’t be sure that some of them are going to mesh awkwardly. We can always miss something.)

Anyway – there goes Cass, told to go home, the first of the people to leave the party. Everyone else gradually leaves, until it's just the people who remain. Woden doesn't get an exit, but let's be candid – no-one would have ever assumed Woden would be invited to the orgy.

And Dio takes over as the connective tissue. Hmm. Re-reading this after a few weeks is making me realise how tightly wound it really is. I had a friend write to tell me how many panels the last two issues had. 26 with 127 and 27 with 142. I did a quick count, and this one is (about) 119, so a little down, but when an average mainstream comic would have around 80 panels in (No more than a 5 panel beat, with average panel count lower than due to splashes, action pages, etc) it speaks to how compressed this is running on. No wonder I feel like it's going to explode.

Anyway, Dio. What have you seen?

Page 12 The main worry on this page was not making the storytelling too comic. The “someone leaves” And then “Someone unexpected follows pushing first person out of the way” can definitely come across as slapstick. Jamie doesn't do that, so phew. It's setting up for the destination.

The hyper-distorted close-up-to-reader Amaterasu symbols here are fascinating. Well done, Matt.

Page 13 And out in the street. Matt's glow from the door, into the cold blues of the street is strong. Immediate change of mood.

(Also, has me thinking of the break to darkness in issue 8 before going back to the party, as a structural parallel)

I don't actually use much contemporary slang in WicDiv. I suspect this isn't actually something people have noticed. As such, I had a good hard think before using Ghosting, but it's the right word and sentiment. And – well – Ghosting and Goths is an interesting line.

The goth kids absence from the comic have been notable. As they'd been major players earlier, they were always going to step back so other characters can move closer to the spotlight. I realised pretty early in planning Imperial Phase that the necessary retreat from the spotlight would be a way to explicitly introduce the plot. We could delineate their absence.

Page 14 Yeah, I'm uncomfortable too.

I don't think it's worth talking about this in any more detail now. Probably more later as we continue into the story.

Dionysus is the character who has most often surprised me in WicDiv. When he enters a scene, he goes in an unusual direction. He asks slightly different questions from most of the cast. “She chased him out the building and now he looks like this? Clearly...” seems a fair leap to make.

Page 15 “I love you, but...” is one of the more obvious bits of connective tissue in the issue.

Jamie does an interesting choice in terms of panel 4 and Persephone's response.

Another bit of peak Amaterasu here in the “What happened to my party?” response. Upset of her party not going according to her plans is, of course, how the arc starts for Amy as well.

Matt obviously gets the colouring interesting – all amber here – but Jamie is doing a lot to bridge the gap between two sub-scenes. That fifth panel re-sets it all, and hopefully Amaterasu's voice carries people back inside.

Page 16 The first panel landed very well. There's a lot of emotional weight that this has to carry, and suggesting of other things, and it seems to hold together. I suspect you can patch together all the Persephone Lines To Camera in WicDiv and get an interesting portrait of where she thinks she is.

(I mean, this is Jamie. It's never just about the line. I can't even imagine trying to write this stuff for another artist.)

My favourite person in all of WicDiv may be the guy in the hat in the bottom panel who goes “You know – actually, no, I don't think so. I think I'll have an early night” when presented with this offer. Good call, random person.

Interesting choice of panel breaking by Jamie on the last panel, which gets a sense of the rush of the response.

Page 17 Well, yes.

Page 18 When someone asked me about sex scenes a while back, this was already written and perhaps even being drawn, so I was aware of this in terms of a hypothetical WicDiv scene scene. Let's quote the thing here for reference...

We certainly don’t linger on the sex scenes. There’s an orgy in issue 11. There’s one beat where you see Morrigan and Baphomet in issue 16. There’s the repurposed Sex Criminal pages in 14. There’s very little kissing in terms of what you actually see - there’s one in 20 and one in 24, so far. While at the same time, characters having sex with one another is one of the things which drives the plot.

Speaking generally, I’ve got no moral reservation about sex scenes in stories per se. It always speaks to the effect the story is trying to have. To state the obvious, in erotica it’s very much the point of the thing.

There’s a couple of problems specifically in WicDiv…

1) Seeings someone have sex has a tendency to make the scene about you watching. Our characters are often, in their own way, viewpoint characters. Anything which makes a character perform for the viewer is against our intent there. There’s times we’ve approached it, and Jamie has very much backed away when we approached the page, as it was just extraneous. Why do it if it serves no purpose? 2) Probably more importantly, sex is usually dead pages in terms of drama. The fight scenes WicDiv does are almost always not about fighting. They’re about a change of dramatic states, a visually interesting way to push the plot along. Go through a fight scene and note down what you learn about each character in it. You can certainly do that in a sex scene… but dramatically speaking, the “decision to have sex” and “how you feel afterwards” are the key beats. So we linger on them a LOT.

But there’s certainly sex scenes I’ve written in my notes, and they’re much more character driven things, one way or another. I suspect one will come up sooner rather than later, though watching how we do it will be the interesting one.

That “interesting” sits uncomfortably with me, as it sounds like I'm foreshadowing this awful mess, when I'm talking in terms of craft. How do you do that and stay to our aims? The things I'd point to here is primarily Jamie's choices – how he chooses to frame nakedness, how he chooses to frame sex. Generally speaking, this is an illustrative scene. The neutrality is key – Amaterasu's nakedness in panel 6 would be a key one. There is no pose for the readers' eye's delight. This is a character who happens to be naked. Or at least, that's how we hope it's read.

(There's also other things – we thought that if Sakhmet is the first character to be shown naked just as she turns on a killing range, that has a lot of semiotics in there we'd like to avoid.)

Page 19 You know how life can just shatter in a second? I guess that's what we were going for here. Just one character being thoughtless, and...

(Fill in “That escalated quickly” gif, obviously)

For my money, perhaps Jamie's best art of the issue is the last two panels. The suspended glass, and then that close up – which is not one, but both of the best single expressions in the book.

Page 20-21 Amaterasu runs – I've seen some people think that Sakhmet killed her in this scene, which is one of those “you always must remember your audience is diverse in terms of how much they're aware of things like knowing what a character's power looks like, especially when a larger than normal percentage of your readers are new to comics.” I'm not sure there's much we could have done, except maybe a “come back!” from Sakhmet in the first panel. But that feels too crass for the people who DO get it. Balancing what is too opaque and what is too crass is basically 95% of comics for me.

This spread was budgeted as a single page, in terms of the amount Jamie has drawn. I may have done it anyway, but it is a way to ensure that we have a page turn onto the image on page 22.

(Also visual symmetry with Sakhmet in issue 17, where the black out image is also used.)

Page 22 I like how careful Jamie is here as well. I suspect the page with the most colouring tweaks in it, as Jamie wanted it to have the correct level of horror to it.

I originally had a more on-the-nose element to the image – a message scrawled in blood – but as much as I like a good System Shock homage, it was decided it was just too much. It's a Grand Guignol beat, sure, but not like that. It seems that there is a thing such as “too unsubtle” even for WicDiv.

Page 23 When originally planning the book, I thought this flashback was going to be at the end of Rising Action. After writing it, we realised we didn't need it – Persephone terrible and resplendent, with all the awful potential didn't need anything else. This is probably a good example of what I talk about in terms of when we say “we know all the material – it's just a question of execution.” I find myself thinking of how movies are really made by the editor, cutting scenes around.

(There's certainly things I've wanted to get in this arc which I've lost as something else was always more pressing. You may remember me saying one of my worries about year 3 in WicDiv was it was mainly girls being involved with girls, and there wasn't enough male/male intimacy? That would be an example of something which I'd like to find a place for, but have failed to do so far. Still, onwards.)

As a craft note, I'd point towards “6 months earlier” as a choice worth considering for creators. If you just write dates to control flashbacks rather than stating the relative position, you will lose your reader almost completely. They don't remember what period a story is set in just via numbers. They need either word based hand-holding or something much more visual in the story. Be very careful with this shit.

Page 24 In an issue as compressed as this, a page of Ananke way back in issue 21 me a luxury. But for someone like Ananke, it's so rare I hope it's interesting. Some strong expression work in here.

Clearly the advantage of that mask of hers is that it means it's harder for people to see that she's been crying.

Page 25 A “free” page in terms of budget, though Jamie clearly committed to it with the hand.

In the third year's hardback, we may include our somewhat hilarious lettering trial runs where Chrissy and Katie tried their handwriting. The final one is actually the work of Marguerite Bennett, who as a self-described Supervillain seemed a good person to ask to do it. Also, I've seen enough of her pen when signing issues of Angela, so knew she had a fascinating font. She was enormously ill and bed-ridden, so it was touch or go whether she would be able to do it, but thankfully it all came together. Thanks, M.

Page 26 A complete re-use of the opening of issue 21, with the final panel turned into a (tweaked) repeat of the penultimate panel. Once more we return and all that.

We'll be doing a little tweak to this page in the trade in the penultimate panel, to put a little glow on the machinery.

Page 27 We had to debate whether to put the present date or the flashback date here, but settled on this.

And that's it. Coming up shortly is the 455 AD special, which certainly fits thematically in with this arc and Andre (and Matt) have done wonderful work on. Then the trade in June, and back with Imperial Phase Part II in July.

Thanks for reading.

#WicDiv #elsa charretier #the wicked and the divine #writer notes

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pocketminstrel · 7 years

Text

twenty-sixteen, age 21+22

it’s quite beautiful that i can never predict the experiences that will stick to me as i finish each year and look forward to the next, even though i can always outline my commitments and the places i’ll be. as i look back on this past year, i think of a collection of singular memories and emotions that have all bled into each other and seeped into my soul and exploded into the mess i am today. currently, i feel that i’m the most confused i have ever been. and yet i feel the most aware and knowledgable about myself, the world, and what i can give and take from it. i guess basically what had happened in 2016 is that more and more question marks began to spring into my life than were being resolved, either because of new experiences or the sheer fact that i was finally motioned towards them.

i’m realizing that just sounds incredibly vague, so i’ll wrap this intro up and dive into details. but before i start, i would like to say that 2016 was another grand year of coming of age. but tiffany, you’re already 22, you already came of age. i’d like to think that life is just a long and stringy story of self-discovery, and that no matter how old we get, if we are properly living, we are constantly changing. which means there is always more to learn, especially when it comes to ourselves. The smart ass self-aware-tiff in me would like to disagree, but i wave my white flag to this truth.

i started this year off pretty secure. i had a great summer (facebook) and fall (berlin) lined up for me, so all there was left for me to do was to enjoy the present: my friends, family, boyfriend, school, and projects. my classes - collaborative innovation, modern lit, philosophy of mind, and social psychology - each represented and stimulated very important pillars of my identity. it was a very wholesome academic semester; lots of writing - i think i counted all the pages i wrote for social psych and it was around 70 or so - but i never dreaded any of it. i remember constantly walking out of my classes in awe and inspired. i was able to throw an art gallery and work in teams that encouraged me to learn about what role i take in them.

during spring break, i went to japan. ironically, i’m actually here again writing this right now. but being in an asian country for the first time in 8 years had a profound effect on me. i have vivid memories of struggling to find the airbnb near the skytree and falling dizzily in love with the tiny streets (finally my size!!), delicate greenery, and colors of the streets - pink, yellow, and green, talking fulfillment with jasmine and monica at commune 246, filling up a whole bar every night out with the sep group, bright green calpico/sake drinks, biking down arashiyama forest and getting lost in the cold, walking out of the station in kyoto to be surprised by the fushimi inari temple, gawking at the box-like architecture in harajuku, and so much more. i remember on the train to kyoto, i thought to myself, it feels really damn good to be asian here.

when i came back to berkeley from japan, my boyfriend at the time told me that he loved me. i didn’t think i was the type - to put so much weight into words of affirmation - but strangely, this changed a lot of things for me. i was trying very hard to kid myself of the very strong feelings that i had for him in fear of pain; but hearing those words from him yanked that delusion immediately out of me. i was in love, i had a very special person in my life who made me stupidly happy, and there was no turning back.

much of the way i organize time for the most of this year is marked by where i was in my relationship. i think in general, relationships tend to do that to you, but i think my case is a little different because our relationship was a slave to time. man, is time a bitch. but time also heals, time sheds light, and time gives you wisdom. my prolonged post-breakup reflection forced me to stare at some huge huge faults about and what i need/what i can improve on about myself in regards to the ways i receive and give love.

in may, i started my internship at facebook. i was working on a tool with immense social impact. i woke up every day to the rewarding and intimidating reality that i could help millions and millions of lives. but 90% of the time my manager was stressing balls because of the nature of our product, and i felt that i didn’t get as much mentorship as i deserved. and being me, i didn’t ask for it, thinking it would all be okay and i could handle it all by myself just fine. and sometime halfway, i realized that my creative process is not where i want it to be, and that being at facebook could not realize that for me, at least not immediately. i knew i had to be somewhere else. also around the same time, i could not shake facebook’s eerie life-hand-holding and empathy vacuum when it came to social media’s effect on the youth psyche.

outside of work and all, i had a vibrant social life filled with tons of new and old friendships. i think of the talks i had with ashley in my room, which brought me so much clarity i nearly melted into tears every time we hung out, shuttle rides and “exploring” sunnyvale with luke, nights in the city with zai and maheen, talking ideas and creativity with kevin, eating noodles with kelsey every day, and weekends with angela in berkeley or union square. sometime in the summer, i dyed my hair blue. it was a huge mistake and i hated it, but i guess it was something to cross off my bucket list.

in 2016, i also went to way too many concerts to count. some shows that come to mind immediately are sophie, ben UFO, Nao, Mura Masa, robert glasper, honne, gold panda, the pc music label, and my god everyone at the clubs in berlin - i got to see anthony naples at berghain, even, the man who got me into house music in the first place.

i went to two music festivals, too: osl and fyf. at osl, i was nearly moved to tears at “elegy to the void” during beach house’s set - it was the first time i heard that song; i never really gave “thank your lucky stars” a chance. at fyf, i danced my heart out to gerd janson, bicep, black madonna, and hot chip. gerd janson in an act i’ll particularly remember - it was as i was getting a warm, personal goodbye for berlin.

the week of fyf was one of the most interesting crossroads of time in my life. it was the last week i had in california before moving to berlin. it was the week of ending facebook and having loads of clarity with what i needed in my career. it was when i held my mom’s hand during a PET scan. it was the first time i could play with my four month old baby nephew whom i love so very much. it was when i dyed my hair back to a normal color. it was when i learned to really love and appreciate daniel and elaine. and it was the first time i would see my ex in months. needless to say, a lot of anticipation went into that ^ meetup, and i hold that memory near and dear to my heart. the conversation we had in the yellowish park in dtla next to the jewelry district meant a lot to me. sparks flew and they flew.

and then there was berlin. i’m a bit scared to write this part actually. a lot was going on for me internally (see above) immediately before leaving, and for the majority of my time abroad, i was so lost. i didn’t know what i was doing there, feeling like i was just wasting my time and escaping responsibility. at times, i felt so alone. i convinced myself for a bit that i thought about everything so ceaselessly already that i didn’t need a new environment to learn about myself and be challenged to open my eyes up to the world. but in berlin, i found experiences that could not have happened to me anywhere else or could have hit home at any other time in my life. in berlin, i found muses. i found friends that inspired me with their individuality: yacha, jenn, vartan, kyra. i found club culture. i found the bullshit of aesthetic photography. i found the importance of pursuing what feels right. i found the importance of being my authentic self, even though it can feel isolating at times. i found an outlet in philosophy and art history, escaping into the aura of some of the greatest museums in the world, especially the moderna museet in stockholm and the ai wei wei exhibition in florence. it was a time of finding comfort in facebook chats with peter, jimmy, and jason. it was a time of living an alternate life with a completely unfamiliar routine of life and culture.

however, i think the contrast of returning back home was where i learned the most about the whole experience. they call it reverse culture shock. you really do see the juxtaposition of your current self and a previous self when you go back home. though while home i was fighting a bacterial sinus infection and rhinitis, i had never been so happpy to be with my family. it was the first time being back home where i didn’t even want to see my friends; i just wanted to be at home and be surrounded by my passionate, hilarious, loving parents, siblings, and nephew. man, are we explosive group of seven but equally explosive in support and love. i am almost tearing up writing this.

there’s much more to say, and probably tens of other experiences i should mention in here, but this post is getting too long and i should stop being a hermit crab.

2017 is going to be an amazing year. i can feel it.

#myposts

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