my eating disorder is just getting worse and worse bc i cant stand to look at myself. ive asked my dad so many times to email the a gender affirmation clinic and get me set up there, but he just forgets and doesnt do it, or he DOES do it and they call at a time we cant respond. we have had TWO referrals there but i still cant get in. ive pestered my pediatrician and psychiatrist about this for over a year but nothing has happened. no one LISTENS TO ME. they dont even know how much this is affecting me, but i dont care if they know or not because they dont listen to me regardless. im over here starving myself because i hate being curvy so much, and i cant stand to even shower more than twice a month. i barely brush my teeth anymore bc i hate looking in the mirror, i put off going to pee for fucking hours just to avoid walking past that mirror. i cant look at myself in pictures and i spend most of my time sleeping. IM DEADASS DYING BUT NO ONES CARES. it wouldnt matter if i told them shit, because theyre supposed to listen to me anyway. but no one does. im sick of this. im sick of looking at myself, im sick of talking to people who dont listen, im sick of being hungry, im sick of existing. i just dont want to do this anymore. i really dont.
Literally just the presence of my feeder makes me want to gain more. The other day we were hanging out around my family and before I knew it, I ate all the chocolate easter eggs that were on the table just to try and get my feeder to notice what a good piggy I am. I just forgot for a second that other people could see me being greedy aswell, oops..
I love that Sam Wilson is kind, supportive, and doing his best to empathize with people and things he doesn’t necessarily fully believe in but he seems to be the only one who has to, in spite of Walker’s direct aggression, Bucky’s lack of support and unwillingness to even try, institutional roadblocks, and the fact that he is also grieving his fucking friend. He deserves to be tired, he deserves to be angry, and he deserves better than to play therapist and protector for a bunch of people who won’t do the same for him.