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snezenie · 5 months

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utsugi and minoru: the divorce manifesto

longform analysis about noriyuki utsugi and minoru harada's relationship, as i see it. there's a lot of room for interpretation in their relationship, so of course these are my thoughts only.

contains spoilers for the full series.

word count: ~7,800

outline: i. the completion of each other ii. a deep and mutual understanding iii. the emphasis of their cruelty iv. the concealment of their kindness v. family and cycles vi. other allusions vii. conclusion

part one: equality and lack there of

1a. utsugi-kun, did you fuck my wife?

'jealousy' is a big theme with these two— generally in the context of utsugi's interactions with rai and hajime, as described by minoru.

their interpersonal relationships are the greatest source of their conflicts, as is clear with all their arguing and sniping at one another in the base game. there are two clear 'pairs' that become intertwined with one another: rai and minoru, and hajime and utsugi.

utsugi is someone who finally felt needed, the only thing he’d ever wanted, and then it's slowly taken from him as hajime becomes less willing to depend on utsugi. utsugi had uprooted his entire life to follow hajime, and he considers hajime's life and happiness to be his sole goal in life. it's natural to become agitated when it starts to become obvious that he might be unnecessary.

minoru states in the base game that utsugi is jealous of him, and that in some way minoru seems to have occupied that role as someone that hajime does depend on. but is this true?

utsugi never mentions that he thinks hajime likes minoru more, or that he's jealous of minoru in his monologues. these plain descriptions of his inner thoughts are some of the only things about him that can be taken completely at face value, there's no reason to act to his own self. he mentions his various grievances with minoru, so why does jealous never come up?

utsugi isn't jealous of minoru, that's why. minoru wants them to have a symmetrical relationship, something easily explained: utsugi has what i want, but i have what utsugi wants. so naturally i am jealous of utsugi and utsugi must be jealous of me.

(this is a work in progress edit i'll come back to, but i just wanted to edit out that utsugi was jealous of minoru because it has little canon backing and i think it's incorrect. i stopped edits here and will process the rest of the essay later)

a similar situation happens with minoru’s family: utsugi is more of a father to haruki than minoru was, and minoru explicitly recognizes this a few times. utsugi helps haruki with homework, calls him a good boy, and they sit together and sip juice. in contrast, minoru can hardly talk to haruki without losing his temper.

his complicated feelings towards utsugi and haruki's relationship are clearly illustrated in his outburst in the train station, where he frantically tells haruki that he is his father, not hajime or utsugi. his final actions speak to the fact that he did want to continue to act as haruki’s father, and yet his own fears and selfishness won out, burying those feelings.

the same unnatural setup can be observed in the complicated way rai, minoru, and utsugi’s relationship develops. rai makes multiple choices to the detriment of the family in order to stay on utsugi’s good side and appease him, and minoru himself is kept in the dark about haruki long past when utsugi understands everything. this creates a feeling of isolation from his own family, and utsugi manages to ‘replace’ him wholly in some ways, where both haruki and rai are placing higher importance on their relationship with utsugi than they do minoru. minoru shows keen awareness in retrospect that he was more deeply in love with rai than she was with him, likely adding to this insecurity.

hajime’s importance to utsugi is clear-cut, as the one who brought purpose and light to his life for the first time. while the isoi’s importance to minoru is underlined by the mundanity of his ambitions. he wants to be happy, he wants a family and friends, he wants for everyone to get along. there is no grand higher purpose for minoru. this desire for a mundane, happy family is possibly inspired by his original orphaning, where both parents blamed minoru in part for their issues before leaving his life entirely.

and relating to minoru's upbring, there are also multiple points in the game where the concept of affairs and cheating comes up, strengthening the existing concept of jealousy and insecurities within marriage. most prominently, minoru questions if utsugi likes rai in the reference room scene of DLC. to utsugi, to the viewer, to rai, this sounds like complete laughable nonsense. but minoru seems to ask it seriously, showing the depths to which he has started to question his importance to his family. it’s emphasized that he wasn’t merely asking this in jest when utsugi laughs in response and minoru seems confused by the reaction.

further references include that it comes up that both the harada and isoi families previously had incidents with their mothers cheating, shown as a symptom of the crumbling marriage. and again, minoru brings up an affair when affirming that haruki is his kid to hajime in a flashback scene in chapter 7 of the base game. (“unless rai had an affair! it's unmistakably my child!!”)

minoru’s feelings about rai and utsugi are never addressed as explicitly as minoru’s feelings about haruki and fatherhood, but this concept has come up too many times to be mere coincidence. minoru probably, at least momentarily in times of insecurity or irrationality, considered the idea that rai and utsugi might have something between them. considering how obvious utsugi’s single-minded devotion to hajime is (and minoru knew this!), it is a rather insane leap of logic. but minoru doesn't tend to make smart decisions, especially under duress. many of his ill-fated decisions in game are led by his human fallibility. most prominently, he misses his window to escape with haruki and reiji in 1999 because he goes back to sleep after receiving the text to move up the plan.

he wasn't ignorant or blind to utsugi’s devotion to hajime, it's just that his own insecurity, jealousy, and confusion over utsugi’s sudden changes in attitude bred hesitant, impossible possibilities in his mind. he has been so completely replaced in importance to both his wife and his son, his family being the only thing he ever wanted, that he doesn't know how to cope with it.

both minoru and utsugi’s most important relationships are fraught with insecurity over the other, and thus we can see how they complete what the other longs for. utsugi slots into the isoi family naturally as minoru’s relationships with his wife and son splinters. while minoru shows hajime a simple way to live happily and without expectations, utsugi continuing to unsuccessfully execute on what he believes are hajime’s wishes, ultimately just burdening hajime further.

1b. the one who knew everything and the one who knew nothing

their positions of power and authority mirror each other in similar ways: utsugi is clearly jealous of minoru’s apparent easy, unburdened existence while minoru wishes for the power utsugi has.

utsugi's complex is shown best when utsugi responds to minoru in the reference room: describing his demeanor as selfish, disrespectful, and ignorant. he's frustrated that minoru can continue living obliviously, even as utsugi himself is the one facilitating this state as he keeps minoru in the dark about many things. as an aside, utsugi also adds ‘without malice’ to the end of this description, showing how he knows that minoru is not purposely staying ignorant and riling up utsugi with his apparent carelessness.

at the same time, minoru is also feeling the stress and problems of the failing institute and his own crumbling family. it’s not inaccurate to call minoru ignorant, but utsugi exaggerates the depth to which minoru doesn’t understand. minoru repeatedly calls out the problems and failings he clearly sees, even, but he lacks the power to execute any real change. as an example, he calls for the removal of utsugi and the recognition of the crimes of the institute in the scene where utsugi orders him to leave, and no one takes him seriously.

to bring it full circle, utsugi is the one who holds the power and authority to act on solutions to minoru’s concerns. he also has all the information and understanding that minoru lacks on multiple people close to him, including hajime, utsugi himself, and his family. he stands as the archbishop of EHRI and the main executor of hajime’s will, so it is utsugi who is pushing EHRI chiefly along its dark path. for the most part hajime takes the role of a passive observer, minoru is an outsider, and all the other bishops answer to utsugi, who answers to the sponsors.

to further explore how that difference in status and authority shapes their dynamic, minoru’s status as an outsider establishes him as more equal to utsugi than anyone else in the game. the previously talked through mutual jealousy and give-and-take relationship between them supports this, putting them on the equal level of both having things of value to each other.

in thinking through utsugi’s other close relationships, it's obvious to think of hajime first. of course, utsugi is revealed to never have bought into hajime’s status as a savior. but even then he treats hajime with a carefulness and fragility that keeps their relationship from being one of mutual reliance and equal footing. he doesn't feel he can tell hajime of his struggles due to his devotion to appearing as an infallible support for hajime.

hajime aside, most everyone else in EHRI (excluding seodore, minoru, and some of the other sponsors/stakeholders) sees utsugi in the highest position of power and authority. he builds a powerful persona, and gradually we see the other members of EHRI call him ‘utsugi-sama’ more so than ‘utsugi-kun,’ showing his evolution into someone who is no longer equal and approachable to the others. meanwhile, minoru never changes the honorific, and even wishes to drop it entirely, but utsugi insists on it due to his upbringing.

that minoru has neither bought into utsugi's persona (perhaps because he remembers how utsugi was when they first met: awkward, unconfident, reticent,) nor is a worshiper that utsugi has direct power over, nor a sponsor with direct influence over utsugi means he sees things more clearly. he exists somewhere completely outside the power structure of EHRI, where he can see utsugi for who he is.

many of the other researchers we see (the enomotos, rai) don’t seem to quite be unaware of how utsugi is deteriorating, but they do seem to not have the mental capacity to do anything when their own problems are consuming them. rai in particular explicitly struggles with feeling the need to please utsugi, which places them in an unequal, vertical relationship where she cannot speak her true mind or ask him to depend on her.

1c. love languages

they invert each other in ways of taking action and expressing themselves: utsugi’s motivations and care are impactful, but quite silent and unsaid, while minoru talks loudly without being able to back it up with action.

minoru calls out that utsugi cared for those around him when he could (when it didn’t conflict with hajime’s will) and with a little investigating, the viewer can also pick up on this notion. subtle things like utsugi allowing noa to blame him for killing rai, when the clear culprits of rai’s death were always seodore and noa herself. or that utsugi tried to create an exit for the isoi family both by proposing the plan of a second child and by using haruki to research the reversal of cells. and most pertinently to this post: that utsugi is so jealous and angry of minoru’s constant ignorance, but refrains from harming him, even purposely keeping him in the darkness for minoru’s own happiness.

utsugi only ties his own hands when caring for others would directly interfere with hajime’s wishes, which gives rise to things like haruki’s original existence as an experiment (as a note, even then hajime’s regret of this situation may have played into utsugi’s willingness to reverse it.)

but even then, he does his best to play around the lines and shows reluctance in carrying out harm. this is illustrated best by how, in one of his dlc monologues, he wanted haruki to have a negative reaction to the cells. this puts EHRI out a potential experiment, arguably hurting hajime’s dream. but a negative reaction would keep utsugi from having to navigate the potential situation of a positive reaction, which would surely be difficult for the isoi family. in most, if not all of these situations, utsugi's thoughts and actions are not seen as mercies by anyone involved. utsugi never presents them this way, nor does he ever asks for gratitude from the people he helps.

we can similarly see utsugi’s silent affection for and remembrance of minoru persist until modern day, with several hints in the base game about their relationship. utsugi holds onto minoru’s books, keeping them in a backroom without disposing of them. the room behind utsugi’s statue is also minoru’s old room from before he was married, and not only does utsugi preserve it, but he blocks it off so no one would enter it. it can be confirmed as minoru's room when hajime reads a note from minoru in the room in a flashback in the base game, as well as the shape and set-up being the same when it appears in minoru's dlc. the furniture in it is likely different from minoru’s room in the flashbacks because he took his furniture with him after he moved out with the isoi family, but it has not been repurposed.

utsugi also clearly remembers many things about minoru– his demeanor, how his sign feels, his appearance– and uses all these to easily identify reiji and haruki as his sons. when he’s blinded in his boss fight, he remembers how minoru’s sign ‘feels’ enough to believe that he is fighting him (when it is in actuality his sons.) with utsugi’s deteriorating mental state after 1999, it would’ve been natural for utsugi to forget minoru inadvertently or on purpose, but it seems like he makes a conscious effort to remember his friend after their split.

to compare their mindsets, utsugi is extremely private and single-minded. he decides on things with little hesitation, and never ruminates on what could have been or what went wrong until everything is over and done. this is best illustrated in how we never see him breathe a negative word of hajime until they both lay dying.

he also insists on having no regrets, even when the only audience to his words is his own self. this is clearly contradicted when he shows clear distress and desire to start over multiple times, most clearly in his second fight with minoru in 1999 and in the reference room scene. but in asserting to himself that he has no regret, he can better stay focused on what really matters instead of wallowing in the past.

minoru is the opposite, being someone who talks a lot about what is wrong and what he wants to do, but either can’t or won’t take action. he is unable to commit to the same decisive choices as utsugi.

in the case of can’t take action, his status as an outsider keeps him from enacting real change in EHRI, even as he points out its flaws repeatedly and loudly. he has no real power and thus his words are all he has.

in the case of won’t, it is shown best in the reference room scene with utsugi. minoru is angrily insistent that utsugi confide further in him and help him understand his situation and struggles, but he only maintains this sentiment up to a point. utsugi pushes back hard, feeling that minoru’s words are useless and would not help him. ironically, this proves true as minoru swiftly backs down from his previous words after utsugi starts choking him. of course, it’s understandable to be afraid or want to escape this situation, but it shows a clear line where minoru will go back upon his word when pushed past.

in contrast, utsugi lacks this same bottom line. he is subjected to many counts of violence and pain while fulfilling his promise to hajime, but doesn’t ever think of giving up on their promise. utsugi avoids lying to others in the beginning (possibly as a side effect from the pain of being accused of being a liar in his youth when he was telling the truth) and he prefers silence over promising anything he cannot.

he becomes much more comfortable lying and acting a role as time goes on, but in the 70’s and 80’s his word is trustable. one solid example is how, in 1999 in the train station, he refuses to promise anyone’s safety to noa besides hajime’s, despite her pleas. as someone who tried to treat others well, it would make sense to lie to her to put her fears to rest, but utsugi refuses to speak untrue promises.

this difference in conviction is also what respectively saves and dooms them. it’s merely possible that if minoru had committed to taking action and causing change that he could have saved his friends and family at EHRI; however, it is unmistakable and undeniable that his ability to walk away is what actually saves him. utsugi similarly is capable/able of walking out, especially in 1999 when the organization is in shambles, but his intense conviction and loyalty to hajime holds him back and ultimately takes him to his ruin.

in a game very centrally about the power of ‘will’ this feels significant and should be a good thing, but under a different lens it can also be seen as a passive role. utsugi never tries to re-assess his and hajime’s wishes and change his path to fit a more accurate dream. he never has the courage to abandon his doomed love to pursue a new one, whereas you can say that minoru does find that courage, to great success in ultimately finding his place with LDL.

part two: the one who understood me the best

while minoru and utsugi’s relationship is not free of the facades, misunderstandings, and miscommunications that color so many relationships in this series, there is a deep understanding between them. perhaps brought about by the clarity of existing as equals.

utsugi explicitly calls out that minoru understood him the most in the end, and even as their relationship was in tatters, minoru is the only character utsugi confides in of his own free will. all other confessions of truth and struggles we get from utsugi are either done privately or inadvertently. he willingly tells seodore of his devotion to hajime, but it lacks the same desperation and vulnerability as utsugi hasn't had to kill and experiment on others yet.

utsugi’s understanding of minoru in turn is a less clear cut subject, due to the fact that minoru is more of an open book in general, and more characters know his pain. the position of understanding utsugi is a unique one, but multiple people empathize with minoru.

minoru speaks sardonically to cover up his stress and puts on a happy facade a lot of the time, but it’s still far from how deep utsugi has isolated himself. minoru at the least confides in multiple people and is more willing to confront issues directly in order to draw out a solution.

their understanding of each other is not a perfect understanding, and this series shows well how difficult it is to achieve a perfect understanding while possessing all the natural baggage of communicating and existing. so these two inevitably misunderstand several key things about each other. their relationship is one of two people who understand each other the 'most', but this understanding still falls quite short of perfection.

utsugi himself seems to fall for minoru’s apparent happy/care-free facade, as discussed earlier. utsugi isn’t ignorant to the issues of the isoi family, considering how much he does behind the scenes to patch things up for them (getting rai to have a second kid and leave, wanting haruki to have a negative reaction are two solid ones, and there are more actions that can be debatably attributed to the same motive) but he still doesn’t think minoru understands the gravity of his and utsugi’s situations. it’s true, in a sense, that minoru has deeply false impressions of/has been withheld information of characters like hajime, utsugi, and rai. but utsugi over-emphasizes minoru’s ignorance and carefreeness, since he is seeing it in direct contrast to his own heavy burdens.

these two only begin to approach the deep and near-perfect understanding of each other when they hit bottom together in 1999.

2a. their mutual suffering

minoru gives up any sort of facade after the events of 1999, he’s lost everything and desires nothing anymore, so there’s no need to pretend. utsugi sees this and even directly brings this change about with how cruelly and falsely he presents minoru with the trashbags (representing rai and reiji’s remains, but there was nothing in them.)

in my opinion, it can be read that utsugi’s cruelty here was a rather malicious attempt to finally bring minoru to ‘reality’ and see his oblivious facade drop (except, it wasn’t a facade to utsugi) for his own reasons. reasons of disliking seeing him smiling all the time, reasons of wanting them to share in mutual misery, reasons of wanting him to understand the full situation, any of them or multiple could work here.

the end result is the same, utsugi finally gets the satisfaction of seeing minoru taking something ‘seriously.’ and he understands that minoru too is capable of pain.

their mutual understanding is high at this point; that both of them reach rock bottom at the same time is significant. they lose the people who are most important to them at the same time, and struggle with finding their new purpose and reason to live. minoru walks away, and utsugi continues with the same path as always. the consequences of this are clearly shown when minoru finds happiness and a new family but utsugi just falls deeper into his lies and violence.

they fight twice in 1999: the first time is with fists, the most human and least lethal force they possess. they do injure each other (utsugi leaving sanemitsu’s famous and enduring head scar here) but it is a deeply human scene: both of them ineffectually lashing out in their misery at someone who had little immediate causation of their pain.

the series has established that man-made things like guns and fists are ‘more human’ and ‘honorable’ (through jabuchi’s own ruminations on how he wanted to kill his coworkers and nina) whereas using empyrean abilities is ‘monstrous.’ minoru mentions this is the only time he sees utsugi use his fists, and that this is the most desperate and human he's ever seen utsugi.

but that first fight is the part where utsugi brings minoru down to ‘reality’ by presenting him with the apparent remains of his wife and only surviving son, and we don’t see the full extent of utsugi’s regret and turmoil until the second fight.

utsugi’s motives for saving, confining, and later chasing and fighting minoru in 1999 feel ambiguous, the best clues we have are a set of lines right before the conclusion of their fight. utsugi laments the state minoru has ended up in, going on to doubt his own humanity and then lament the feelings minoru left him with.

utsugi makes reference to still being human, and killing minoru while he still maintains that humanity. how i interpreted these was utsugi believing that he may lose control to the cells in the future, and wanting to kill minoru ‘as a human’ if he were to die regardless. notably, this again mirrors jabuchi’s plans, that there is honor and respect in being killed by human means. it also implies that he didn't think escape was an option for minoru, inevitably thinking he'll stay in the institute, alive or dead.

one of the most important points of the whole conflict is at the end when utsugi implies that— aside from hajime's happiness— there was one more thing he desired. he wasn't supposed to value his relationship with minoru to this extent, but he acknowledges that he did want it, even as they beat each other bloody. not even utsugi's positive feelings can stand in the way of his yearning for mutual understanding, and his cruelty towards minoru is unreserved in 1999.

to bring this back to the main point, it shows further the ill effects of misunderstanding in their relationship. minoru’s misunderstanding of utsugi’s situation sews rifts in their friendship and their ultimate split, while utsugi’s misunderstanding of minoru brings him to his lowest point in life, where even death is a preferred alternative.

to return back and cover what minoru misunderstands with utsugi, it is another thing that is laid out quite explicitly, as it leads to their falling out. minoru never puzzled out why utsugi was so insistent in the way he treated hajime as a ‘star’ and rather took it at face value that utsugi had no ulterior motive.

in reality, it was an act utsugi put on for what he believed was hajime’s own benefit, but minoru couldn’t begin to comprehend that. his own viewpoint was that it benefits hajime to think of himself as human, and he thinks of this as an obvious conclusion. there is a fundamental disconnect in both how minoru understands utsugi’s mindset here, and also in how minoru understands and treats hajime, who he similarly doesn’t understand fully.

the other key misunderstanding is that it is dubious if minoru figures out the reason utsugi’s attitude towards him changed. his theories include things like utsugi was jealous (partially true) or utsugi was upset at hajime’s poor state (partially true) or that utsugi liked rai romantically (wholly false).

it is my opinion that the (largest, but not only) reason utsugi distanced himself from minoru was because of the reveal of the existence of factors. he may have believed that furthering their relationship was ill-fated, as he was warned of on the phone by mari orie. he also may have lost faith in the authenticity of their friendship, as shown by his thoughts in 1999, where he panics that they only feel positively towards each other because of the effect of factors.

minoru both knew about factors (unclear to me as to when exactly in the timeline he understands they affect reality and weren’t just something kazaru used for fiction) and that utsugi was researching them, but it seems doubtful to me that he put it together before he leaves EHRI for good. later on, he may have belatedly understood.

2b. the understanding they reached in the end

this also is a reoccurring thought in their relationship– the belated realizations. as covered earlier, 1999 is the point where they know each other best and the last time they see each other. minoru sees utsugi’s memories by using the power of the pen, and finally understands the events that lead to this point. directly after, utsugi tells him to leave forever. things have proceeded beyond the point of intervention, and it seems that any action taken now cannot undo the massive upheaval that has already taken place.

it’s also possibly notable that the only way minoru was able to understand utsugi totally was because of the power of the pen. he had to directly see utsugi’s memories, it was never possible for the truth to come directly from utsugi’s own mouth. this adds to the broken communication between humans, where things are easily muddled by intentions and words. only when treating utsugi as a character to be ‘read’ does minoru truly understand him.

this ending may feel like it points to saying that the furthering of their understanding was all for nothing, but it comes back into play sixteen years later.

their relationship had long fallen into complete nothingness, and yet minoru is the one utsugi trusts with his final wish, a final happiness for a man meeting a pathetic end. their understanding of each other did nothing to save their relationship in life, but it leaves minoru as the only one who can remember utsugi closest to how he was in reality.

in turn, minoru is the key to how we, as the viewer, also get to understand utsugi beyond all his lies, acts, and facades. it’s heavily implied that minoru has a hand in constructing the narrative of the entire series, and especially of dlc, for which is named after him.

to give some more evidence to that point, the main support is drawn from the 'truth only i know' book by code:dante (sanemitsu) that is readable after completing S+ in a new game. in the book he refers to a 'record,' reminiscent of 'the records of sanemitsu isoi' (the title of dlc) where the truth is told. and he says that if there is something only he knows, that he can tell that truth through fiction.

the 'truth' we learn in dlc heavily depends on utsugi's arc. we learn new things about all the characters, but none of them were concealing their true self to the extent that utsugi was. they all had other people who understood the truth about them, and only utsugi could say that sanemitsu was the only person who ever fully understood him.

utsugi also directly asks sanemitsu to write his story as a final parting wish, and indeed the way his story is told follows that last wish. he is an evil villain in the base game, easy to condemn and forget, and this irredeemable and unsympathetic person is how he wanted to be remembered. in the forking paths scene, he says that it's alright to think of him as a villain and not acknowledge that he had human emotions too.

dlc contradicts this completely, so how can it still be said that sanemitsu honors his wish? the way i see it, there were plenty of people who played the base game but not dlc. the separation of these two stories ensures that some people will never see utsugi as sympathetic. sanemitsu couldn't stand to let the truth die with him, but he could leave enough breathing room so that utsugi's last wish would be fufilled somewhere, with someone.

part three: unintentional cruelty, emphasized by the narrative

tying into both the failed good intentions of their actions and whether their will or lack thereof affected their relationship, there are multiple interesting ways in which they are unintentionally cruel to each other within the confines of their own relationship.

one of the strongest examples we see is that utsugi digs up minoru’s insecurities in the process of trying to help him. starting with kazaru’s suicide note, minoru has been impressed with the idea that his very existence was a mistake, and he should not have been born. utsugi pushes him away in the end, telling him the only thing he can do for utsugi is to disappear and leave.

in a way, this is a kindness as it is an escape route for minoru from the sinking ship that is EHRI. but simultaneously, it is one of the cruelest ways utsugi can show ‘goodwill.’ it compounds upon kazaru’s original idea, directly pointing to the conclusion that minoru’s very existence is what causes utsugi distress, and thus there are no possible actions minoru can take to help utsugi besides disappearing. it doesn’t feel like a positive or honorable action due to minoru also being the root of the problem when framed like this.

the previous sections already cover how much utsugi is intentionally cruel to minoru, from specifically digging up anything he can to hurt minoru in 1999 to intentionally sabotaging their relationship without discussion. but the 'solution' that utsugi offers minoru is unique in that it doesn't seem to be aware of how much it will hurt minoru.

i’ve discussed a few times already that minoru fails utsugi in the reference room scene, but it feels particularly cruel due to the uniqueness of the situation. it’s the first and only time utsugi directly reaches out for help, possibly ever, and he has nothing to show for it. minoru’s ultimate failure to deliver in that situation only heavily reinforces to utsugi the uselessness of depending on others.

utsugi wishes for reciprocity, that he should be able to offer value to anyone else in the way that he already desires value and affection from other people. it stems from his childhood, that children naturally want love and attention from their parents. that he didn't recieve that leads him to believe that if he is 'useful' to someone (unlike how he was useless to his family) then they might love him back. his grandpa is a key example of this, loving utsugi only because of his birthday, which made him useful to rangiri's delusions.

utsugi’s final plea to minoru in the reference room is “if you’re willing to do everything for me-,” which feels reminiscent of what utsugi has already promised hajime (to stay by his side until they both die, it is all of his life, everything.) utsugi could promise everything to a stranger in distress, and he wishes (impossibly) that minoru could do the same for him.

in a sense, the sentiment of ‘save me’ in that scene already indicates that utsugi has been previously failed by hajime. the original dialogue he shares with hajime (that he clearly remembers and references even many years later) includes the idea that hajime will save everyone, and utsugi will save hajime. since utsugi still feels he needs saving, it means hajime has not been able to deliver on his side of the previous sentiment. minoru’s avoiding and diminishing of utsugi’s worries and the title of the scene being ‘the hand i failed to take’ show minoru as also clearly failing in this respect.

and yet, similarly to utsugi, minoru’s cruelty had good intentions. maybe there was no good way out of that situation, it certainly seems both that utsugi was unwilling to accept help and minoru unable to provide it. utsugi knows minoru can't help him, and he makes grand demands of minoru as a way of self-sabotage: he knows minoru will never be able to promise everything to him. minoru has a family, and utsugi will never be his first priority.

on another tragic note, utsugi directly pleads to minoru for a way out of his misery, but hasn’t minoru already been showing him the way out? if hajime accepted being human and wanted to live simply, there would be no need to continue the crimes and experiments. minoru influencess hajime to this direction but utsugi directly opposes it, showing how unamenable utsugi is to minoru’s ideas. the reference room situation had no easy or clean solution, and perhaps it saved utsugi some pain with an early disappointment.

the both of them are people who could've helped each other, but didn't have the proper communication skills or ability at the time they crossed paths. in their struggle to save their friendship, they only hurt one another more, itentionally or unintentionally.

the base game hides almost all of the kind side to their cruelty, they're barely even shown as friends. minoru's friendship innately humanizes utsugi, he's the only utsugi confesses to, fights with, takes out his stress and fears on, all these emotions he buries with anyone else. they're emotions that make him sympathetic and wholly human, and thus something that cannot be learned about utsugi until dlc.

minoru also repeatedly (undeservedly) forgives utsugi for his unkindness. utsugi is responsible for a lot of pain in minoru's life: surrendering haruki to experiments, pushing EHRI down a dark path, violently pushing him out of both EHRI and their own friendship, the list continues on for a long while. and while minoru does resent him at points for how much he's suffered at utsugi's hand, he never stops caring for utsugi.

he says things like he shouldn't have ever considered utsugi a friend, utsugi has gone mad, and they come to blows multiple times. but minoru always caves later, still showing concern for utsugi. after their big fight where minoru leaves EHRI, he asks hajime about utsugi's condition on a visit back. in 1999, after they'd just grievously injured one another, he still laments that utsugi never depended on him.

the way sanemitsu talks about utsugi after EHRI is not said to be happily, sanemitsu says bad things to reiji and reiji is certain sanemitsu believed utsugi hated him. but he doesn't allow roses in his house, and reiji says that sanemitsu seems lonely when discussing utsugi.

by all rights, sanemitsu should have no warm feelings left for utsugi. the way the narrative repeatedly highlights their pain underscores that, but neither of them can let the other go.

part four: genuine kindness, hidden by the narrative

with how much establishing i’ve done of only negative things: cruelty, failures, jealousy, disappointment, it’s easy to think utsugi and minoru had a relationship that was only negative. but, the narrative guides us through it in a rather complex timeline: we start with the middle and the consequences before we see the beginning and ending.

base game shows their relationship as something fraught with arguments, leading up to their first major falling out where minoru leaves EHRI for the first time and begins to avoid utsugi. there is little shown here that evokes that they had a complicated relationship, it feels like they were simply two people who didn’t get along.

this is somewhat due to all the flashbacks being shown through hajime’s perspective, so that we only see these two as they are around hajime and only while having conversations that concern hajime. the only clues to their relationship being composed of anything beyond two-dimensional mutual animosity is that minoru expresses concern and regret in relation to utsugi in a few brief lines.

throughout dlc, this pattern repeats, and there is no great upheaval in the viewer’s understanding until minoru’s dlc episode. the episodes leading up continue to breadcrumb their true nature, with hints like sanemitsu disliking roses in his house, sanemitsu expressing that utsugi took responsibility for everything while drunk in reiji’s episode, utsugi compliments minoru in rai’s dlc, and they have a few exchanges that are more lighthearted in tone.

minoru’s dlc finally throws the curtain back entirely, where it is fully revealed that, once upon a time, they were true and proper friends. their first meeting is amicable and remarkably normal, utsugi talking to minoru about his reporting and behaving awkwardly about a compliment paid to him. in the following scenes, we see them teasing each other and talking frankly about developments in their lives. utsugi sets up several arrangements for the isoi’s marriage and seems to seriously wish them well.

it couldn’t be more normal, save for utsugi carefully keeping his distance and drawing a line between them in the form of hajime. he seems to like being around minoru, but deflects admitting any personal attachment when questioned, using hajime’s like of minoru instead. this foreshadows just how much he will put hajime above anyone else, even those he also likes, and how he has carefully sculpted his other relationships to fit within that framework in advance.

of course, he ultimately fails in sectioning minoru out. there are a number of other characters (haruki, noa, etc.) that utsugi is kind to, but he doesn't form the same attachment to them that he does to minoru. in the end, when he's saying his goodbyes, the only people he mentions are minoru and hajime. in 1999, he mentions that minoru was the only thing he wanted in addition to hajime's life. despite his best attempts, he can never let go of his original affection for minoru.

part five: generational yaoi

one of the other biggest things revealed about the relation between minoru and utsugi in dlc is that it spanned multiple generations. the actions of their grandparents caused so many shock waves that the story now actively resists the interaction of the two families. i’ve already touched heavily on the factors of their families: they are certainly the largest reason utsugi abruptly changes, dooming the friendship between him and minoru. the series has lots of commentary on the hereditary way our family shapes us and cycles of behavior, and minoru and utsugi are no exception.

both utsugi and minoru have intense family issues, coming to shun their family name and legacy in time. but they both carry it forward, regardless.

utsugi leaves his family’s company and doesn’t pursue pharmacy or business leadership in a strict sense, but nevertheless he is a medical researcher and executive in EHRI. ironically, he could not come into his own as a confident leader under the guidance of his family, but he grows into that confidence as he takes control of EHRI. he just needed support and passion to grow into his full potential, something he lacked when his family neglected him.

similarly, minoru breaks from the family tradition of fiction writers to be a reporter. but even then, he shows in DLC that he is preparing to write novels. it fits with his character arc, where reporters passively observe reality but writers actively create it, and he himself is starting to reclaim control and power in his own life. but still, it places him among the company of the many fiction writers of the harada line. sanemitsu also has some measure of control over the narrative and way it is told, shown by his almost certain position in system n.h.. this places his actions as remarkably similar to mutei harada’s designs on manipulating characters and creating stages.

both minoru and utsugi are haunted by their childhoods, which build up to their issues that cause ruin in their interpersonal relationships. these are issues that are inflicted on them by their parents, utsugi’s parents reinforcing utsugi’s beliefs on isolation and self-dependency, and minoru’s parents showing him how to run away from love and regret being born. and naturally, these beliefs were likely initially formed in turn by how mutei and rangiri treated the next generation.

they cannot escape the influence of their respective families in that fashion, and also in that they explicitly cling to it for each other. minoru is not actually ‘minoru harada’ in the series for very long, he marries rai isoi early on to become ‘minoru isoi.’ but names are a social thing, and neither hajime nor utsugi let go of the harada surname. that both utsugi and minoru address each other by family name is important, given that they both stand as friends who can use more familiar terms of address and choose not to. their relationship is undeniably shaped by their family history though, and so these names hang over them.

their relationship is similarly cyclical, where they attempt to break out of their patterns and yet return to them in the end. minoru’s relationships are best shaped by his fear of gaining love and then losing it, thinking it better to not have loved in the first place. utsugi’s relationships are best shaped by inequality, where he is comfortable and used to loving someone more than he receives in turn.

their relationship starts out subverting this, where utsugi is hesitant in closing the distance with minoru. thus, there is no intense love or connection to be lost, just a mundane friendship with a careful distance. minoru then quickly pushes to be closer, upsetting utsugi’s status quo where he is now not the one who loves more. the lack of anything to lose gives minoru confidence to keep arguing with and pursuing utsugi, even as their mundane friendship melts into animosity, something that should usually scare minoru off.

but, in the end we see the relationship ultimately return to the form they are most familiar with. minoru runs away in 1999, abandoning utsugi and certainly being saddled with the painful regret of lost love. utsugi remains behind, having settled back into his typical unequal relationship. he remembers and thinks of minoru even sixteen years later, while minoru has left him for a new family.

part six: other allusions

aside from the clear line to how they both represent their families, there's several other allusions baked into their relationship. one of the most significant being how they tie into the divine comedy.

minoru is born on the day of dante's death, and utsugi shares a birthday with the poet virgil. minoru both is and isn't dante, he fails earlier in life to fulfil to reach any kind of enlightenment (thus the death day being his birthday) but later on he becomes "code:dante." haruki is notable also representative of dante, the whole harada line having a close tie to the author.

utsugi is tied to virgil by his birth and also by his relation to both minoru and haruki. virgil is a mentor, a guide, and a friend. he is close and intimate with dante, assisting him on his journey through hell but unable to accompany him in heaven. utsugi similarly is a figment of sanemitsu's difficult past, a valued friend who cannot accompany him in the lighter, easier parts of his life.

the utsugi line isn't all associate with virgil in the same way the harada line ties to dante, noriyuki utsugi alone is the 'guide.'

their relationship is similarly foreshadowed in the similarities it holds to nina and jabuchi's relationship. there's much to say here, but to keep it basic: jabuchi and nina start out happy, jabuchi goes down a difficult path without telling nina, nina finds out the truth too late and cannot save jabuchi, but she honors and remembers him after his death. it's a clear parallel to the way sanemitsu and utsugi's relationship develops.

part seven: conclusion

overall, i think i touched on many things i wanted to say about these two, and i still have many more words… but this was already very long and confusing, i imagine. i hope you got something out of it besides thinking i’m delusional, haha. this is solely my interpretation, after all, and i think there are room for many more.

one of the best things about the relation between utsugi and minoru to me is that it is so ambiguous. there was not merely love, and there was not merely hate, but anything in-between those black and white values can be argued. did utsugi feel more hate than love for minoru or did he feel more love than hate? who’s to say. minoru has more clear-cut regret and affection, but still mocks and curses utsugi, showing the depth to which they got under each other’s skin.

and still, they clearly love each other. they sacrifice, remember, and pray for one another. they were friends in the very beginning, and sanemitsu is the last person utsugi ever remembers. in turn, sanemitsu never lets the wounds utsugi gave him heal. it is certainly a relationship that left them both with scars.

#cell of empireo #m

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eddiebrockx · 11 months

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"Disrupting Canon"

⚠️SPOILERS for Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse and Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (primarily the latter). Like serious spoilers. Please don't engage if you don't want any!⚠️

Incoming mini-essay! (TL;DR - Miguel O'Hara as a character has much to say about grief and guilt, and how it can harm people.)

After watching Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, I am filled with thoughts!!! So many that they can't all be contained here, and I'll probably have to write an actually essay later--however, I wanted to share some of my feelings and ideas about Miguel and his role in the story, specifically.

Miguel is obviously an antagonist to Miles throughout the story. And, I would actually argue that he is an antagonist to everyone, including himself. He's cynical, he's controlling, he projects his fears onto everyone, and he is terrified of change. The scene where he tells Miles that he is the "original anomaly" is a obvious display of all of that.

Despite this, Miguel still isn't a villain; he isn't evil, and he isn't doing any of this because of pure malice. Instead, he's doing it out of fear. Because Miguel is also an anomaly (at least, I think so). Miguel has more in common with Miles than he does the other Spiders, which is why I think he blames Miles for so much as the "original anomaly."

We know, as the audience, that Miles shouldn't be blamed for anything that has happened. It is not his fault that the Spot brought over a radioactive spider from Earth-42; it's not his fault that he got bit; it's not his fault that the original Spider-Man dies; it's not his fault that the Spot became the Spot. Any logical person can see that Miles didn't have any control over these situations; so why can't Miguel?

He can't because Miguel believes that Miles will cause and experience exactly what he did. We know that a major part of why Miguel is so uptight is because when he disrupted canon, his entire world disintegrated before his eyes. And, its a logical fear; as he said himself, is it worth saving one person over ending the world? But this is where things get complicated: does "disrupting canon" actually cause the world to end?

Peter B. Parker, for example, has a daughter. Jessica Drew is pregnant. None of the other Spiders seem to have children, so wouldn't these be an example of canon being disrupted? Pavitr's world still seems to be around (I'm assuming), after we saw canon disrupted. Gwen's father LITERALLY quit his job, meaning he didn't die, and therefore also disrupted canon. But...nothing happened to Gwen's Earth, even though she was gone for several months.

And, the cherry on top, if Miles is an anomaly, how come nothing has happened to Earth-1610 and Earth-42? Why did nothing happen when the original Spider-Man died?

All of these things, I would like to add, are also very different to what Miguel did. Miguel abandoned his world for a new one, taking the place of a version of him that died. He was in the wrong world. And this reminded me of a certain antagonist in Into the Spider-Verse: King Pin.

Throughout the entire movie, King Pin desperately tried to bring another version of his family into his world. In the end he failed, whereas Miguel succeeded. Of course there are major differences, still. King Pin was entirely selfish and didn't care what consequences came with getting his family back, whereas Miguel thought he wasn't hurting anyone. But Miguel still managed to hurt people, and that's what seems to linger for him. The guilt and grief that he caused the destruction of an entire Earth.

And he can't see past it. Despite the many examples we see throughout the movie that go against what he believes, he can't see beyond his own experience. And if he were to admit that Miles could be correct, his understanding of what happened to himself has to be completely reevaluated. All of that grief that he has suppressed, all of the work he's done to "fix" things; all of that changes.

This is what makes Miguel so compelling to me. I don't think what he said to Miles was warranted, but I can understand where he comes from. The other Spiders can too, because a lot of them have already experienced their canon events. It's what makes this conflict so complicated, so interesting.

Of course, we can't be 100% sure about everything until we see what happens in the third film, but it's all interesting nonetheless.

Ultimately, all I want to say is that I love this series, and I can't wait to see where it takes us next!

#spiderman: across the spiderverse #spiderverse #miguel o'hara #miles morales #animation #across the spiderverse #a mini essay that probably means nothing but i wanted to write anyways #let me know if you have other ideas!!!!#also don't even get me started on the parallels between Miguel and the prowler #or Miles and the spot #soooo many thoughts its overwhelming #jane essay

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jameix · 6 months

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Ok, I see a lot of people talking about how the Endgame ending ruined Steve's entire character arc and I wholeheartedly agree, I could literally go on for hours on why that was such a stupid ass decision and why many other options would've been better.

But something I don't see talked about at all? The way it also ruined Peggy's character. I mean, we got an entire show about how she's just as capable as the men in the franchise, and we got an ARC about her moving on and letting go from Steve, being able to find love again and all, but now that's all gone because Steve came back suddenly? It just completely erases all her struggles we see throughout the show, all for the sake of having a hetero romance narrative become canon. They just sized her down to a generic love interest.

Furthermore, if you know Peggy, you'll definitely know that she would NOT be happy if she found out Steve sacrificed the life he had to be with her (and I doubt he could keep lying to her face about that) since it's always been clear that she had moved on and wanted him to, as well. You can argue about the timeline and how technically since Steve went back, he was her husband all along, but present him didn't KNOW that, he just did it out of insanely uncharacteristic selfishness (How the hell did that not branch???)

If she found out about what he did, she'd understand that this is someone from the future, which is means that the Steve from her time survives the crash. Do you honestly think that'd go well? That she'd accept this man over the one she actually loves, when she finds out he's still alive somewhere?

Love Steggy, but they really would've been better off as something lost to time, "right person wrong time" kind of thing. A lost true love, if you will. It would've been way better than having this ending that just assassinates both their characters for the sake of going "oh wow, canon romance with no consideration for the characters' motivations, personalities or arcs!"

(I'm talking about Peggy's character as a whole. Please do not bring drama about stuff she did into this post.)

#marvel #mcu #peggy carter #steve rogers #avengers endgame

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cicissketchbook · 2 years

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Hi. This is a scene from my tmnt fanfic that I've been writing on Patreon that I recently posted publicly. I also just wanted to try my hand at drawing these expressions.

Basically, Leo makes Donnie so upset, that he almost gets into a stealth bike accident that would've killed him. Luckily, April has a vision of this and stops him. She then confronts Leo about it. Yes, it's an Apritello story.

—

“Your family quarrels aren’t my business, but the visions I have of the future are.”

“Visions of the…?” Leo continued to look confused. “What are you talking about?”

The sick feeling was returning. She was starting to get anxious again. She didn’t like talking about it, but she felt that she couldn’t not address it with Leo. Maybe she was overstepping, but Donnie’s life had been put in danger.

In an effort to keep calm, she spoke slow and deliberately. The stress was very apparent in her voice. “I don’t know what happened last night or what it is that has you all at each other’s throats, but I don’t think you understand what it’s doing to Donnie. I don’t know if you know what it’s doing to him psychologically…”

She intended to continue, but Leo sneered at her, clearly angered. “Typical. You get one side of the story and immediately come to his defense. He can just do no wrong in your eyes, huh? Poor Donnie is just so mistreated by his mean older brother, is that what you think?”

“No, that’s not what I think.” April snapped back. “I didn’t ask him for his side, I don’t even really care what it is-“

“April, I really truly don’t mean to be rude, but maybe you should just stay out of this one.” Leo was clearing making an effort to keep his voice level. “I know you love Donnie, but this really has nothing to do with you.”

“I know, but-“

“No, listen. I don’t expect you to understand where I’m coming from, but Donnie’s no victim. He’s being selfish. I’m the leader of this clan, it’s my job to look out for the whole family, not just him.”

“Okay, again, I don’t know what you guys fought over so I don’t know what you’re talking about, but-“

“You don’t even know what we were arguing about about you still want to come in here and lecture me about Donnie’s feelings?” Leo forced out a laugh.

Raph and Mikey exchanged concerned looks and Mikey was about to say something when April banged her fist on the table, her powers sending shock waves over her that made her hair fly up for the briefest of moments, her eyes glowed as she shouted, “I don’t want him to fucking die!”

The explosive reaction from her powers was completely involuntary and gave all four of them a good startle. As her hair fell back down upon her shoulders, there was a crack in her resolve and she became emotional again. Despite this, she did not let up from staring Leo down.

Raph was the first to speak. “What did you just say?”

———

Read it here.

Patreon (Which is a few chapters ahead)

#tmnt 2012 #april o'neil #apriltello #apritello #leonardo

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korodere · 6 months

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im a bit bothered by this discussion of suicide happening on twitter, and its probably because of recent events, but i wanna pick at it

i don't know that i think suicide is cowardly, but i do think it is selfish. people may argue that it's not -- that your life and body is your own and you should be able to choose when to die. but that's not quite right, and is only coming very deeply mentally ill, hurt, and pained individuals and i acknowledge that.

is it selfish to want someone to live despite the pain they endure daily? i don't think so. i think we will always love the people around us. pain that can be fixed, mended, and taken care of should not be a reason to die --- it's obviously different for people with physical, incurable ailments, but mental illness is not a forever thing. and even then.

i think people like me, and people like my best friend who took her own life in august, have this sense that they are permanently broken. that i will always just be like this. and sure, maybe, yea, i'll always deal with the things i did not choose to have happen to me, the trauma and permanent mental scars, but that does not mean i will always be miserable forever. sure i will always deal with some after effect of these feelings and emotions, that this pain and suffering ive endured will always be apart of me.

but that's not... bad? i've felt, recently, that darkness is a fundamental part of being a human being, and being alive. that while in my past i completely avoided sadness, pain, agony, and sorrow and the portrayal and discussion of it in art, in recent years i have leaned on it more and more. there comes a point where the darkness in my own head and the pain surrounding me becomes too much to simply bear with, ignore, and suffocate.

my life would not be my life if not for the suffering. i dont think people should suffer, necessarily, but that life without sadness and pain and sorrow would be meaningless. that you should continue to live regardless of the sadness and pain you experience.

i could die tomorrow. and i wouldn't want to die sad. she had the same opinion, but she took it into her own hands; she died at her happiest, after finally meeting me in person and getting to spend time with me for a week, doing a bunch of things we'd always wanted to do together and talked of doing for the past decade we'd known each other.

i'll die someday, everyone will, so i should just enjoy myself anyways. i should just live. i wouldn't want to die tomorrow feeling like i missed out on so much. i don't want to take my own life despite the pain and agony i feel, i want to keep going.

time will pass anyways, so i want to do everything i can, i want to persevere, i don't want to give in to my sadness again and miss out on so much of life.

i want the impact i leave to be good. i think hers was, too. i think if she had stuck it out, it could've been even better.

the conclusion i find myself at is that these feelings of wanting to die, of wanting the pain to end, are understandable. i feel them a lot of the time. but. they're selfish. and that i don't wish to hurt others just to selfishly end my own pain.

and that despite pain and suffering, that is just apart of life. and that it should be embraced, and understood.

mm. not sure what this is any good for. but take it anyways.

#kota.txt #suicide tw

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eusuntgratie · 2 months

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8, 12, 16, 23 👀👀💚

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

i have some...complicated feelings about buck and chris's relationship and how that's portrayed/talked about especially in how it reflects on eddie. i say shit like THATS HIS DAD and THEYVE BEEN COPARENTING FOR YEARS because they HAVE and i think in a lot of ways buck loves chris like he's his and chris CLEARLY sees buck as a parental figure and eddie REPEATEDLY and PURPOSEFULLY puts buck in that role and is comfortable with him in that role.

where i get the ick is when that's pushed into this idea that chris needs buck, that eddie needs buck, in order for their family to be complete. and i don't know that i can articulate this well bc eddie does need buck, and chris needs buck too. but i also think it is so so important to recognize that eddie is a great father (despite a rough start) and that they were (and would continue to be) just fine without him.

i've even struggled with how i've written this relationship in fic, because it can be a tough line to toe.

i suspect that fandom subconciously leans in to this idea that buck can swoop in and save eddie and chris in large part because buck is white and eddie isn't. and i know that i'm icked by it more because of that.

and this is probably related, but i don't think chris would ever start calling buck anything but buck. the idea that a kid needs to call someone dad/mom/whatever for them to be "important" is bullshit. my best friend and i's kids call us by our first names but they also refer to us as their 'other mom'. i've always called my stepdad by the nickname everyone else calls him. buck has been in chris's life a long time; i don't think he's gonna start calling him something different if they finally get together and/or get married.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

taylor and shannon and lucy on 911. fandom loves to hate any woman that's even vaguely connected to one of the boys. i like taylor because she's interesting, and i appreciate seeing a woman who puts herself and her career first. we see men do that all the time. i don't hate taylor for being selfish. i don't want her with buck, but i think their relationship was SO interesting and was important for buck figuring out what he wants.

i LOVE shannon and i have loved shannon from the beginning. people love to hate her and say she's a terrible mother for abandoning her child. but she was a young woman in an impossible position who had NO help from her partner for YEARS. she tried to do what she thought was best for her son, her mother, and herself. eddie wouldn't GIVE her that space so she TOOK it. and good for her, honestly. did it hurt chris that she left? absolutely. would people judge a father as harshly for doing EXACTLY the same thing? absolutely not. shannon loved her kid, she tried to do her best, but she was pushed well past her breaking point (which eddie is largely to blame for - yes i can love my blorbos and admit they have flaws GASP) and everyone had to deal with the fallout.

lucy is hot and badass and interesting and if you watch her kiss with buck and think anything other than 'fuck, that's hot' then we will simply never agree and i'm not going to argue with you. get off her ass, she's incredible and i want her back.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

miscommunication based pining. i can do it for a little bit, but my nightmare is a 100k+ fic rated t tagged slow burn and mutual pining. JUST OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH! AAAAAAHHHHHH!! i can do SOME pining bc yearning can be really delicious but when the whole reason 2 people are pining for seven billion words is because nobody will just TALK it makes me insane.

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

oooh this is tricky bc i am a multishipper to my CORE i want everybody fuckin everybody and falling in love all over the place give it to meeeeee. i feel like the only ship i've ever really been AGAINST is thorki, and that's largely bc of people arguing that it doesn't "count" as incest bc loki was adopted, which pisses me the fuck off. the actual ship i don't really have beef with and i'm sure i would read a fic if someone sent it to me and it was good. idk. it takes a lot for me to be like, ew, absolutely not.

(obligatory disclaimer that you're allowed to like shit i don't like. i'm not telling you your opinion sucks, i'm telling you what i think <3)

fandom violence asks <3

#fandom violence asks #whew these got long #i've got some OPINIONS #lostcol #ask grace

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tiffanylamps · 2 years

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I think it’s funny/interesting that Han Juwon was like “She’s an alien/foreigner! She won’t be missed! No one would notice!” (I’m paraphrasing a lil) about Lee Geumhwa when he himself spent a decade abroad (literally abandoned) with no one to speak of.

The thoughts that invade my mind when I’m late to class, really T-T

So, I had to let this sit with me for a day or two. Cause... Han Joo Won is so frustrating sometimes. I've looked up the scene when Joo Won and Han Ki Hwan argue over Joo Won's connection to Lee Geum Hwa's murder. I checked two different versions and the wording Joo Won uses is-

"But she was an illegal alien! They cannot identify her. Even if they do, there is no evidence that ties me to this woman. Everything they have will be circumstantial." (Episode 3)

I have three interpretations of Joo Won's feelings toward Lee Geum Hwa (in this scene) and I'll overexplain them to you now.

During this point in the show, Joo Won knows Lee Geum Hwa has been murdered by the serial killer he has been investigating for 9 months. In the past twenty years, Joo Won is the only officer (that we know of) that has taken an active interest in the Manyang cold case and figured out how it connects to the Busan killings.

He used Lee Geum Hwa for his sting operation. He leveraged his position of power over her and used the fact that she was in the country illegally (and the fact that she was a sex worker) against her. He forced her to comply with what he wanted to do, despite the fact she didn't freely consent to it and the fact that the plan completely disregarded her safety. Her compliance was given under duress/blackmailing and her life was taken as a result.

Joo Won's actions lead to Lee Geum Hwa's murder. Without him, it's pretty safe to assume that Geum Hwa would've lived. Joo Won didn't actively kill her but because he abused his power, he became one of the main reasons for her untimely death.

And it is tearing him apart.

(whenever Joo Won thinks about Geum Hwa, he drinks alone in his flat)

Joo Won isn't a bad person. He made a terribly selfish decision, which he carelessly did not execute with any sense of tact whatsoever. He should never have done that sting operation alone and shouldn't have left Geum Hwa to fend for herself. Side note: I seriously don't understand how he could receive her text messages and not tell anyone! He knew she had contact with the killer and then... silence... he doesn't hear from her again and he didn't inform anyone. wtf jw.

I think this is the worst thing Joo Won has ever done. I think what happened between him and Dong Sik is waaaaay more of a grey area in comparison to this! He treated Geum Hwa like she wasn't human! He treated her the way the majority of sex workers are viewed by the general public: expendable and less-than (human).

The reason Joo Won uses the term "illegal alien" (which is probably a funky translation) is because he mimics the language his father uses.

"... and find out your team was looking into the massage shop case with illegal aliens?"

In this scene, Joo Won is desperate! He is riddled with guilt and misplaced anger (he's placing all of the blame and his anger onto the killer instead of himself) for what has happened. He wants to make it right, he wants to find out who did this to Geum Hwa so he can make amends with her and absolve himself.... But at this point in time, he won't take responsibility for what he's done.

In this scene, Joo Won is running away from his involvement because his guilt is too much for him to bear. He doesn't want to face the gravity of his actions, because he if were to, it would destroy him... and it does, partially, when he faces it in episode 4/5.

So, he dismissive her to make "the issue" sound smaller. To make himself feel better. (which is a super human thing to do when you're in denial)

Also, he's talking to his father in this scene and Joo Won is pretty good at knowing when to adjust to his audience. His father wants Joo Won to be like him: methodical, logical, emotionless, "perfect" (which is all bullshit because HKH is none of those things). So, that's who Joo Won tries to be around him. It's a survival tactic that he's learnt over the years but it's not who Joo Won is. HKH and Joo Won are both painfully aware that Joo Won is an emotional man, who requires emotional support (gosh, i wonder why??? can't think of a reason lol). But Han Ki Hwan is never going to give him that.

^ See how badly he wants his father to support and reassure him? Despite Joo Won not liking Han Ki Hwan, he still desperately wants him to be his father. Joo Won wasn't raised or brought up by his parents, so in moments of high stress, he seems to revert back to child-like qualities, almost as if he hasn't been taught how to deal with his emotions in a responsible way. So, in this moment of true desperation, Joo Won diminishes Geum Hwa's personhood to a title because 1) of his own guilt and 2) because he wants his father's support.

I can see why he's not acting like a mature adult in this situation. Joo Won was brought up by nannies and was sent to England at the age of 7. He seems to be kind of emotionally underdeveloped because he's never been given the space to express himself or deal with his emotions in a healthy manner before they become explosive. Han Ki Hwan and Joo Won both have explosive tempers, which is either a part of their genetics or it's a response to stress that Joo Won has learnt from his father.

Joo Won was abandoned by his parents at the age of 7. He was shipped to a foreign country on a different continent and left to fend for himself. What that does a child, I don't know, but it doesn't seem to have done any good. So, the third reason I believe Joo Won is so dismissive of Geum Hwa is because he's projecting:

No one cared about me. No one checked up on me. I was left alone, etc, etc.

Joo Won felt abandoned and so he projects those feelings and experiences onto Geum Hwa to lessen the blow that Geum Hwa does have a family... in China*. Who might never find out what happened to her but might like to know.

So, the implication of "she won’t be missed! No one would notice!” is definitely there in his actions.

Han Joo Won narrows Lee Geum Hwa down to a single short sentence because it's easier for him to deal with her when she is dehumanised. Instead of seeing her as a whole human being with wants and friends and desires, with a family, with a life, that isn't any less valuable than Joo Won's own. No matter her immigration status or job title, she mattered. And he treated her like she was nothing more than a chess piece on his big clever board, instead of a woman (that he probably had a few things in common with).

*I hope I'm remembering that correctly lol

(Episode 4, post panic attack: Joo Won sitting all night by the reed field he found Geum Hwa's body in, instead of going home)

but you know why I love Joo Won so much?? He grows, learns, and reveals. Joo Won deeply cares about what happened to Geum Hwa, it's why he went to Manyang. He needed to be the one to make it right, he needs to remember her, to respect her in death because he didn't do it in life. He wants to make amends for his actions and it makes him soooo human and flawed... but good. Han Joo Won does bad things but it doesn't mean he is a bad person... and I just... yeah, he means a lot to me.

So.... yeah.... I don't know if I have expressed my thoughts in a coherent way. I'm going to shut up now. I must have a "too-much" gene because this is truly a ramble of all rambles. I won't keep you hostage any longer! Thank you for the ask, I always appreciate them! Please never hesitate to them send them my way <3

TL;DR: jw talks shit about lgh because 1) he's guilty and can't deal 2) he wants a support system 3) he's projecting

(I hope I'm not coming across as being soft on him. he's responsible for his own actions. no amount of daddy issues will take away the fact that he did a bad thing)

#beyond evil #jtbc beyond evil #han juwon #han joo won #answered #when will i learn to give short answers???#I don't really feel like this post has a coherent thought process to it but it's the best you're getting from me rn #TLDR: jw talks shit about lgh because 1) he's guilty and can't deal #2) he wants a support system #3) he's projecting

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ihopesocomic · 1 year

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It always gets me mad when I see people making excuses for Hover not helping Nothing and infantilizing the hell out of her even though she's able-bodied and isn't the victim in the scenario that plays out. Nothing, meanwhile, is a disabled individual who is bleeding and traumatized and begging for help because her brother's life has just been threatened. I don't know what goes through the heads of some mp fans to side with Hover when nothing really happened to her at all?

Hover fans like to argue that because Hover "gave up her life for Nothing", thus Hover is automatically the victim we should all feel sorry for.

But who actually made the claim that Hover gave up her life for Nothing? Oh, yeah: Hover herself.

Do we actually see this claim play out? Uh, no. No, we don't. Allow me to explain why:

In Episode 4, before any of this played out: Hover and Nothing are approached by Farleap and Silentstalk. The latter wastes no time in bragging about how amazingly she did in her own assessment and offers to help Hover train for her's. Being the selfish, unsupportive asshole that the Hover stans like to paint her as: Nothing says that Hover will do fine on her own. She is mocked for this, with Farleap telling her it's not like she can help because she's disabled and therefore sucks. Great. Nice.

What does Hover do? Sweet fuck all. In fact, she makes no attempt to argue with Farleap's observations and instead asks Nothing if she can train with her and Silentstalk instead of her? They're not disabled and therefore not useless so understandable, amiright? /sarcasm

So, let's recap: Hover watched Nothing be bullied and then left her to hang with said bullies. But the moment that Nothing wants to spend time with the sole person who isn't trash for her, she's the bad guy? It's one rule for her but a completely different one for your favourite, able-bodied trash queen?

Uh no, Hover fans. Not how this works. At all.

In my opinion, Hover asked for Nothing to miss her bullshit assessment. And if any of y'all really think that being slightly disappointed by somebody you claim to care about is enough reason to stand by and blame them for their own abuse, then I think you need to do some serious reflection and find better characters to shamelessly stan. Because ew. - RJ

#ask #ask us stuff

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tony-is-visions-father · 2 years

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Let me ask these Wanda stans, those who think being mind controlled by Wanda in Westview was a "blessing".

Imagine a day, not having your body in control and you're forced to play a particular character, and threatened them to keep on doing so whenever they wanted to break free, or felt suffered. It's so blessed and sympathetic for you because you only care how badass and powerful she is, but never realised how many people she had left in pain because of her own desires to create a family and let them act in a sitcom.

At least, Vision HIMSELF said that whatever Wanda was doing is wrong, and he wasn't incorrect. He was conscious about the wellbeing of the Westview people after knowing what she had done and wanted to send help by even trying to cross the border of the Hex. People cheer when she expanded the Hex but she just made things 100% worse.

I don't know if these stans are just trolls, just to piss others off, but all I know they're just claiming themselves to be stupid by getting offended once someone has an opinion over their fave.

Exactly! They were tortured and mind controlled into being completely different people, It was not a blessing. I’m sick of Wanda Stan’s acting like she can do no wrong when in every movie/show she’s in she’s doing something wrong. They can argue all they want that she didn’t know what was happening but she left the hex in one ep and she expanded the hex in another she was constantly doing things that contradicted the “she didn’t know” argument.

I would want to see what goes on in their head that they think people are just as selfish and murderous as her I hate the “well you would do it too” thing they say bc she knew that they were happy and healthy in that other universe (which would be enough for me to know that) but she still let herself be corrupted and murdered a bunch of people. I don’t know about you but I would never murder innocent people for my own selfish reasons or hurt another child to achieve my goals, I understand that she’s sad and all but that’s no excuse she still did it, she still opened and read the darkhold even after knowing that it could corrupter her.

Sorry I did kinda just went on a rant about multiverse of madness and my problem with the response of Wanda Stan’s but I needed to get that out of my chest.

#anti wanda maximoff #anti wanda stans #anti wandavision

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larryslaurels · 2 years

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My thoughts on Marion are all over the place lol. The cast have all basically said she wasn’t a vilain and we all have something in us that relates to each of the three characters. They’re basically all defending/excusing Marion. And I get that, I sort of agree, I see her pain and I don’t think she won. But also… she was homophobic and selfish. I would be more forgiving if she had come clean about reporting Patrick before 40 years later!!! Patrick was in jail “only” for two years. I can’t believe it took her that long to realize she’s not happy, Tom’s not happy. Why didn’t she say something before? Tom and Patrick could have built a life together, maybe not right after prison time but at least soon that forty freaking years! At the end Tom says “you destroyed him” and she replies that they all destroyed each other. Excuse me?! What did they do that comes close to what SHE did?

Hi nonnie! I totally agree-- it's not black and white. First off, everything I'm about to say is just MY opinion based upon my experiences.

I don't see her as a villain, but I do see her as an extremely flawed and selfish person. I also see Tom as a selfish and flawed person. That being said, Tom couldn't change who he was and neither could Marion-- but she did have a choice. She knew she could have left him. She could have let him go, but she didn't. She made the choice to destroy Patrick because she refused to let go of Tom. That to me is unforgivable. If you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if that doesn't mean being happy with you. It doesn't make it hurt any less, it doesn't make it fair. I think that's what the cast was saying.

Do I think Tom was fair to her? No. Do I blame him in the same way I blame her, also no. He was acting more on fear than anything, his actions reflect someone who is so deeply wounded by self-hatred, especially AFTER Patrick is arrested.

Before I came out, I lied to a lot of people. I disengaged, and I withdrew from some of those that were closest to me because of my own shame. Do I regret my choices? No. It's what I felt I needed to do at the time to protect myself, to keep myself together. That's why I will always give Tom more leeway than her, maybe that's wrong, but I don't think so.

I have no doubt her love for Tom felt "all-consuming" too and I do think his gaslights her at times early on, and while she is a victim of a larger societal issue, like you, I have trouble feeling empathy that she let it go on so long pretending she didn't understand. Even in the film, you see her keep up the picture of Tom and her in Patrick's room-- that really pissed me off. It makes me question so much about her character and it shows me that even then, she truly didn't understand or see it for what it was. I don't even think she had her "ah ha" moment until she finds older Tom crying in the car after seeing the gay couple. I just can't justify her complete lack of acknowledgment of reality, even until the very end.

In the end, I agree with her to an extent, no one "won". But I would argue, Tom and Patrick got to experience real love in a way that Marion never did. For that, I feel sorry for her.

Sorry for the ramble, can you tell I feel very passionate about this movie???? hahahah

#my policeman #marion #tom and patrick #harry styles

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of-daydreams-and-demons · 2 years

Text

disclaimer: the first line is shamefully stolen from a JT machinima Fallout 4 song, I am not apologising (but giving credit where it's due. I like the line)

*radio static* “I don’t wanna set the world on fire… Just wanna start a flame in your heart…”

***

“Darling” I say softly “do you think there are people that deserve to die?”...

***

“...leader found dea… in disorder… all military gear shredded…” The radio goes on.

“W… was that you? Yesterday evening, I said that… that people who wage war deserve to die… because they want others to die…”

“wait for it” I lean back, a little smugly.

“...that concludes the news”

“Hmm I guess no country would admit their nuclear arsenal was destroyed, eh”

“How- Why- how do you know this?” her voice sounds more worried “please… I am scared”

“We’re terrible gods, aren’t we?” I look at her melancholically “I always could have… I just never knew how… I am scared of what I am…” why did I say it like that? Am I this crap at conveying feelings? Why did I have to be smug? People died. Again. I… what am I doing, but breaking it all. Again. All over. I don’t… I don’t want it to burn again. It hurts.

“You’re saying you are a goddess? You’re saying you could have fixed this broken world the whole time? Why now? Why only now do you decide to do so?” she sobbingly interjects and bursts into tears, ripping me out of my downward spiral.

I cradle her in my arms until she falls asleep. We both know it would be pointless to argue now. My beautiful girlfriend. I… I just hope she will understand. I just hope she can understand… I- what is there to understand? I am just a monster. I kill. I destroy. I use my powers out of pure selfishness. Just now, I was close to turning back time… to never asking her… again just abusing everything… so selfish. So selfish… stop. I must stop these thoughts. Clear my head. Tomorrow we can… we… whatever happens tomorrow happens. I can’t keep running. Not again.

I look at her face, currently resting on my lap. So peaceful. Why did I have to destroy that peace? I brush a strand of hair out of her face and give her a kiss on the forehead. “I am sorry… for everything… for troubling you… tomorrow I will explain it all…” with that, I snake my way off the sofa to scoop her up and carry her to the bed. She seems to have woken up a little, because she sleepdrunkenly placed her hand in mine when I joined her under the blanket.

“...whatever… you’ll always be my girlfriend to me” she mumbled. Probably a dream… either way, a wave of relief flows through my body and I melt completely. This one little sentence of hers. It took so many worries away. She turns towards me and kisses me. So she was awake… Did she read my thoughts? “Babe… don’t worry. We’ll talk tomorrow about it. But first, I want you to sleep without breaking your head over this” Her words are as soft as her lips just were. I nuzzle her and mumble a goodnight before my eyes fall shut.

***

“My craft… my craft is death. That’s what I meant with my question the other day… that’s why I am scared of what I am. If I were to ask myself… “who deserves to die?” I’m not sure what I fear more. An echo… or an answer.

I can’t trust myself. I am a monster. I can only destroy. Unmake. How… could I ever… how would I ever help anyone?”

Her hand gently caresses my shoulder.

“But you just did.” Her voice is soft and clear. Each word a comforting ripple down my spine.

“It was too late though. Why couldn’t I have helped earlier? So many died because of me. Because of my selfishness. Again.”

“Again?” she seems surprised

“Y…es… again” I can barely control my sobbing “I- I already went back twice… broke everything twice… I had to burn it all. It all went to nothing… so easily. I just destroyed. It was all I knew. To protect what little I had. And save me from myself. From the consequences. And went back. To where it never happened. But I can’t. I can’t burn this. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t. Going back in time is worth nothing if it means having to burn your- our world” My hands are covering my face, fingers digging into my forehead as if I was about to gouge out my eyes. Not that it would work. I must know.

“The first time… was entirely my fault” My sobbing slowly died down. Now my voice is almost monotonous. I don’t even want to see my darling’s face right now. She must be so appalled. She knows now what a monster I am. I killed so many. I am a pitiful child. A monster. I don’t deserve to live.

“I don’t even remember how it happened… I just barely learned about my powers… all I know is that one day… all was dust. I tried. I tried to rebuild what was left from the ashes. To no avail. I knew it must have been me. I was the only one left. So I tried. I tried to use my powers on myself. And then I just lay there. I tried everything. And just as time… as time was about to cease existing. I saw some movement… my feelings… they… I somehow… I reverted time… from the ashes came a figure… I… I don’t ever want to go back there ever again. I can’t. No matter if I can undo it. I won’t. The guilt. It haunts me fo-”

My mouth stops moving. I did not even realise when she moved my hands away from my face, but now hers is there when I open my eyes. Her lips sealing my blabbering mouth, her hands firmly holding mine, fingers intertwined. I feel a tear running down my cheek. I am not sure whose it is. She lets go of one of my hands to brush my hair out of the way, and places it on my neck, her thumb still on my cheek, caressing me. She pulls me closer and lets out a small wince.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t want to interrupt you.. But I just couldn’t have you keep going. Those memories that haunt you…” She couldn’t finish her sentence before I became a sobbing mess.

A mixture of sobs and “I love you”s

***

“Maybe I can somehow help make the world a better place after all”

#writer blog #writers on tumblr #writblr #trauma #angst with a happy ending #fluff #ya fiction

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nightcourtreader · 7 months

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about your previous anon ask: I had quite different journey in regard of Nesta than you. is it weird that now I hate nesta? I mean tumblr ppl made me hate her so much right now and when I read acosf for the first time I fell in love with her but I didn't forget what she'd done to ppl around her specially Feyre but I forgave her. bc I understand her, her self-loathing, her lack of action to prove someone wrong even tho it might hurt herself or others. but like I said I also never forgot how she was in the first book. after coming here I just saw how ppl, specially her stans, misunderstood her how they turned her in to this saint that she has done nothing wrong but that was not sjm intention. Nesta hated herself for how she treated Feyre and here are ppl calling her queen for those behavior or how they say Feyre wanted to hurt herself and act like a victim while they were in the cabin. I even saw someone say that Feyre had no right to tell Nesta not to marry Tomas before she left for spring court or the way she imprisoned her at the house of wind (do they know what imprison means? whatever Nesta's situation was I'm sure as hell wasn't being imprisoned) and it's funny that Nesta was thankful for her bc she was one of the reasons she turned into this person that she is now.

a very similar thing happened between me and my younger sister and even tho I was mad at the time I'm always going to be grateful for her. if I see someone is drowning themselves and it doesn't matter the amount of time I gave them to heal themselves to overcome their trauma and now their actions are reaching me as well? Imma try to help them myself in whatever way I can even if it's unwanted. it might not be right to force ppl to do things but it's been effective as we saw in acosf and how Nesta was grateful to both Feyre and Rhys at the end.

and I can't love Nesta freely or without this ugly image these Nesta stans pictured for her. or tell others without someone coming at me telling me their distaste for Rhys & Feyre or IC in general.

idk maybe it's just me. maybe this is how sjm intended, to make Feyre the bad guy in Nesta's story. to make Nesta and Elain in the right for not helping Feyre bc they're not parents of Feyre and they shouldn't have a little sympathy and help their sister in difficulty bc that's what a human being does and not a selfish one and call their sister half beast or whatever...

yeah anyway sorry for the rant maybe I should reread acosf and try to forget those ugly comments and try to love her again but it's quite hard. I hate that HER STANS taint her character for me :')

I completely understand. I think it’s perfectly fine to not like her. I think it’s valid reasons not to like any character in this series.

Like I think people like to argue ohh nesta is just mean in the first acotar book, but to me she was still mean up until her book. I do not give her credit for telling Feyre about the pregnancy because she also, alongside the IC, agreed not to tell Feyre in the beginning & she only did it so she could hurt someone because she was hurt by Armen. It’s not a good thing when you don’t do it for the right intentions.

I know everyone is like ohh but Rhys threaten her and blah blah and told everyone to be quiet, but nesta also threaten Feyre because of Elain. Nesta isn’t only at fault about the whole pregnancy thing either tho. I think EVERYONE (Rhys & IC included) was fucked up, besides Mor since she was gone & Elain because I don’t even think she even knew or was told. But I think it makes sense for nesta to still be mean because her healing journey didn’t start until acosf.

I think when you read the series, in my opinion, if you think nesta is a saint, or any of the characters for that matter are saints who can’t do anything wrong than you are reading the wrong series. I think a lot of stans have trouble accepting that their fav characters has done wrong in the series & I get it that their fav character might have been wronged by others but we’re not talking about that, we’re talking about what the character has done. Like I’m a Feyre girlie, but I can accept that my girl has done some fucked up shit and this series. Rhys too.

The thing some people don’t understand is that nesta herself didn’t want to be that mean, bitter, angry person. She didn’t wanna lash out of people. She only said those things for self satisfaction that only lasted for a few minutes at most. Nesta also knows she wasn’t a good person and wanted to get better, that was the whole point of acosf. I know a lot of people are mad she’s with Cassian and she’s still in the night court but in my opinion the night court really fits her. People think she changed herself to fit Cassian’s standards and I don’t think that is true either. I think nesta just added to herself.

I also don’t think that nesta verbally abusing Feyre is a Queen moment to me. I know a lot of people didn’t think she did, but to me she did. It’s just really messed up. I know a lot of people don’t like Feyre and glad that nesta talked down on her, but nesta literally didn’t like doing that stuff. And if it was Feyre saying those things all hell would have broke loose.

But I think nesta behaved that way with Feyre because she knew Feyre did all the things she wouldn’t allow herself to do, and I think she acknowledges this. Feyre herself stated that they are two sides of the same coin, Feyre and nesta are so similar to each other in my opinion.

I know a lot of people say it’s the Archeon’s parents fault for what happen to the sisters in the cabin and I whole heartily agree. Papa Archeon should have gotten his ass up and did something, but I don’t think nesta & Elain made the situation any better. Refusing to help to spite your father knowing he’s not going to help what so ever is not a good enough excuse for me.

Also, Feyre telling nesta about Thomas is something nesta was thankful she did say. Why wouldn’t Feyre tell her sister that the man she has every intention on marrying has an abusive father? Abusive tendencies can be given to the next generation. We see how Thomas turned out to be, so why would we want nesta subjected to that?

Honestly I do agree with the fact that Feyre & the IC could have went about it another way with nesta & the house of wind, but I can also see it as involuntary admission, which is something that happens in the real world where people are admitted to a facility because they are a danger to themselves and they are admitted against their will.

I don’t think nesta was going to get better on her own, she was too stubborn. A lot of people argue that Feyre was given months to heal and stuff and I get that but nesta & Feyre aren’t the same, nesta is way more stubborn & I feel like why would they let nesta intentionally suffer knowing they could help her? If they didn’t help nesta, she would’ve been like that for years and it wouldn’t have been healthy! She would have destroyed herself. And in the end nesta is glad they gave her the help because she knew she wasn’t going to do it on her own!

I think that it was intentional that SJM wrote nesta & Elain to be like the bad sisters in acotar. Its very obvious that she wrote them like that to not be liked. I think she didn’t plan to do a spin off on the sisters at first. But then she did.

I don’t think Feyre was the villain of nesta’s story, I think it’s very obvious she and the IC are not the villains of nesta’s story no matter how bad people want them to be. I understanding not liking the method of what they did with the house of wind, because 10,000 steps is a bitch to go down, but nesta literally did it when she was mad and going to confront Armen. If she was really mad enough about staying I think that she could have left. Could have left the night court. I think the times she wanted to leave the house was to go get alcohol, something she didn’t need and that’s the reason SJM didn’t have her go all the way down the stairs.

And I do agree that some nesta stans do make it hard to like her. I do think it’s ok if you don’t like the IC or Feyre and like nesta. But I don’t like really seeing bashing posts about Feyre and the IC unless it’s accurate information about it because people like to make up and expand stories to tell why they don’t like them.

So my advice is to block and filter things you don’t like seeing to enjoy your experience. That’s what I do and it has made my experience on here so much better. I also try to move on when I see things I don’t like on other social media because people like to pull out of the ass things. Like maybe reread and see if you like nesta yourself without being influenced by others opinions and it’s ok if you still don’t in the end, your opinion is valid.

I would just look at it like all the characters are fucked up but can I still like them after the fact?

#acosf #nesta acosf #nesta archeron #the inner circle #feyre archeron

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free--therapy · 7 months

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It's anon again!

I'm usually quick to judge myself and expect the worst but I do know I make many mistakes too especially growing up. However it's like I think that I'm the only one who does or has ever done bad things. As if no one does things as worse as I do or as I've done.

That leads to many many what ifs like if I should apologise now years later. Then my mind is like "but that's such an old thing. Most probably they wouldn't even care or don't bother." But then my mind is like "but what if they do? What if despite being a small thing, it affected them a lot?" "What should you do then?" "Shouldn't you come clear or apologize?" But the thing is, if I make a habit of doing that it'll be bad and it's not even healthy for me. Plus rationally seeing, there's a much higher chance that me telling them about it would weird them out or affect them when they were completely doing fine before that. In other words, it'll only lead to the worst for both of us involved.

Also, I tend to have this fear like "if I don't tell them then what if this thought/incident keeps popping up in my mind?" But you know, its just another what if too. Because more than the incident itself, it's all the what ifs related to it and that specific "what if it never goes away?" thought that actually bothers me. I know this because even for certain things that I did apologise for, those incidents still pop up in my mind where my mind nitpicks stuff like "you told them all that but you didn't mention this one detail. Shouldn't you mention this too now?" Something like that. So clearly it's just an anxiety triggered thing.

Especially when it comes to events from the past like mistakes or even neutral events where I did or said something, as I tend to see myself in a negative light (or at least, I see myself as someone who can be manipulative without meaning to) so I assume that when I did/said that particular thing, I must've meant it in a bad/negative way. Even if I did something as a child, and if I remember it now, I'll be like "oh I definitely must've meant it in a weird or bad way" idk why I'm like this though

I mean, I know that I tend to have this thing where I can influence or manipulate other people's opinions and my loved ones tell me they've noticed it too but they see it as a strength. But I see it as a negative point because I feel like I use it to influence others....many times I don't even mean it. But because of this I have a negative view of myself. So I assume that I mean the worst and that I seldom have good intentions.

But I know that's not true because I know I'm an overly empathetic person (which i hate- I'm an infp personality type and very similar to my mom) and I know I do good things too but I feel like I do it for selfish intentions.

For example, my parents and elder sister have been on really bad terms in recent months and don't really talk much but sometimes when they do bring up their arguments, it really really spikes my anxiety through the roof. I mean, nothing makes me more anxious than that......even my overthinking rarely gives me any physical sensations but when they start arguing, my temperature increases and breathing gets faster and just..I get very anxious.

I'm usually the mediator. So I try to explain to my parents what my elder sister thinks because usually when she starts talking she ends up fighting and yelling (she's prone to anger a lot and gets mad easily) so in her stead, I try to explain her views to my mom. I know she might understand if I explain in a calm way because I tend to influence or get others to agree or at least consider my views- that's what I mean by manipulating. And mom sometimes does understand a little bit and I usually try to ask my sister to think from their perspective as well. Of course I don't try to change her mind much but just to calm down. She always says that parents agree to let her choose her decisions only because I do half the work of getting them to understand and agree.

However, when she says that, I feel internally guilty. Because while I do want them to have a good relationship with each other but I also have other reasons like I don't like when they fight, having conflict in our home stresses me a lot and more than anything, my fear of things getting too bad and then separating for good or something. I'd hate that because I want us all to have a good relationship with each other so I try to best to explain my parents her situation and just acting as the mediator. But aren't I doing it for my own reasons? Doesn't that make me selfish? It's like all I ever do is try to get my own way with everything.

Similarly, this view I have of myself leads me to overthink a lot of my past events. Sometimes they're genuine mistakes but sometimes they're neutral events that I overthink about from all the negative angles until they start looking like a mistake or a crime or something lol

I'm thinking of trying to still love myself and accept myself more as I am though. And to not always expect the worse from me. I know I'm a nice person too and I'm very empathetic. I know I can be kind too but many times I do end up being too accommodating since I'm a people pleaser and my infp self is too idealist. Like I try to be a perfectionist or something. But I know the lengths I would go to for my loved ones and how I do small things here and there to make others feel better (though sometimes I do it even if I don't want to) so I do know I can be nice. But since I'm too emotional of a person and I notice others a lot so I unconsciously study their personalities (not in a weird way 😭) but just I tend to observe people which makes me notice when they talk or act differently to me which makes me insecure or worry about something/anything I did. I can be weird at times I guess.....like I can be teasing in a funny way (usually to cope with awkwardness lol or just for fun with people I'm comfortable with though I never take it far at all) but I don't know- I just want to re-learn to think of myself positively instead of second guessing each of my own actions or something.

I need to have my own boundaries though and uphold them and work on my self esteem. Because my self esteem usually cycles between feeling superior (I know this sounds weird and I know but right from childhood I've grown up hearing people tell me or my parents about how smart I am and stuff which did a number on my self esteem, my sister keeps saying she thinks I have a high IQ which would be nice to hear but these days it just makes me feel worse tbh) or feeling inferior or like I'm a loser. The latter is because my dad keeps saying "you had so much potential but in recent years, you've just been lazy and procrastinating and wasted all that potential" or he says "you're just lazy and don't do anything" frankly, I hate hearing that and it's one of the reasons why I became this way. Why I ended up becoming someone who stopped bothering about grades much.

I just used to get enough grades to pass and never fail in college and I did that because no matter what I did, my parents wouldn't say good things to me. Oh though in my last semester, to get back at my parents, I scored a almost perfect score just to rub it in their faces lol I can be petty like that 😭 but still my dad was like "are you lying?" And when I showed him the results he just said, "I can't believe how you managed that seeing how lazy you are" idk I wasn't even that lazy at all when I was busy with college. But then he said "he knew I always had a potential" but I hated it because he said it in a kinda mocking way so I couldn't be happy about it. I still love my parents though! It's just the way they talk to me that rubs me the wrong way and makes me feel smaller sometimes but my elder sister sometimes stands up for me!

But being a middle child (I have a younger sister too) has really got me to become the kind of child that suppresses her thoughts and feelings the most since most times, I'm the one who has to compromise. Because if my elder sister says something, I had to listen since she's older and if my younger one does something, I have to understand because I'm older and she's young. So I have to be the most understanding and be the ones who resolves their fights and does all the explaining to my parents too. And still get the most insults from both. But the up side to it is that my parents don't care as much about what I'm up to so I have the least restrictions out of us three daughters lol

Anyway, sorry for sharing all that unnecessary info 😭 I just want to say I want to learn to be kinder and more accepting of myself and my opinions or interests no matter how different/weird they may seem to the majority and just be proud of myself. Sometimes I feel like I should just become a bad bitch or something lol and be unapologetically myself but I know that's not as possible for me lol

I'm reading a book on overthinking called "Stop Overthinking: 23 Techniques to Relieve Stress, Stop Negative Spirals, Declutter Your Mind, and Focus on the Present" by Nick Trenton and it's been helpful so far!

I do still have many issues in thinking though like focusing on the worst case scenario and obsessing/worrying about it, over generalization, all or nothing thinking and many others but I'm trying to work on it again.

Though I do wanna ask, is it always the case that if something you thought you had pretty much gotten over comes back again and you end up getting stuck in overthinking about it again, does that always mean you never got over it to begin with? Or can old stuff still sometimes come up again even after you getting over it once? Because I do notice that it feels comparatively a little milder than first time.

Sorry for this mess of an ask though, I was trying to organise my thoughts in the best way possible.

Thank you for reading this, a lot! 🫶

Hey Anon

You will have to learn how to let go of these things and allowing yourself to be okay with them not knowing how you feel about the situation. No amount of guilt or shame can change what happened and like you said, they've probably forgotten or forgiven you for the situation anyways. You'll just have to keep reminding yourself of these things as the thoughts come up again. Usually when I have moments like that, I have to tell myself things like, "we already went over this, it's fine! I accept that I've done wrong, but now that I know better and I can do better."

Another thing too is that people perceive certain events a lot differently than we do. Even though we can feel like we've done something wrong, the other person probably didn't see it that same way, so there's no need to apologize.

I don't think your mediation is manipulative, that's definitely a strength, but I know it's also because it was likely a trauma response of yours from the past that you just learned to play that role because you could see how helpful it was in those tense situations. It's a good role to play though because oftentimes arguments happen because of either lack of communication and/or understanding and you happen to be the one who can look at things from both sides and find ways to show each side each perspective. But I can understand also how anxiety-inducing that can be too and why you'd feel like it's a bad thing. I don't think it's a selfish or bad thing. To me it seems like you are the peacekeeper and you love your family and don't want there to be any conflict. Unless you're expecting something in return (something that would only benefit you) when you do it, maybe that can be a little selfish. And don't get my words twisted with that either because it benefits everyone involved to have someone brave enough like you to do those things out of the goodness of your heart.

You have a good heart, anon, and I know from my personal experience how draining that can be because your love for others is so strong and so beautiful, but yet you don't believe you deserve to give it to yourself. I know how hard it is to turn it inwards, but trust me, you already know what to do, you just have to accept that you're allowed to have it too. I

It sounds like we have a lot in common anon. You definitely remind me of my younger self, even with being praised for my intelligence and good grades, and having parents that were never supportive or encouraging. Also the lazy thing/wasted potential thing too omg 😭 I've heard those words too and it breaks my heart to know others having to go through the same things I did and knowing exactly what that does to you and your mind. My mom would say such mean things to me because she believed it would "light a fire under my ass" to persevere and try harder, but literally nothing was good enough or it just discouraged me altogether. Ugh, I wish I could give you a hug

Yes and no. Like I said in one of your previous asks, sometimes the mind likes to test us to see if something still affects us or to bring up something new we haven't considered about the situation to try and bother us, or yes, something can still be unresolved. It's not always black and white though. I've had thoughts come back up and I'd be like "lol girl, we already discussed this. nice try though!" our brains are weird 😅

#ask #answered #anon #overthinking #rumination #guilt #shame

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mc-lukanette · 3 years

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*crawls over completely exhausted* No Canon Lukanette... Need fluff... maybe salt too...

Luka gave Marinette's parents a smile as he waited for Marinette to come downstairs, though to say he was concerned was an understatement. He and Marinette hadn't been dating for long, but he knew something was wrong due to her song singing even more stress-filled notes than usual. He wanted to talk to her about it, but also wanted her to open up to him herself when she was ready.

Wanting to focus on smiling for her when she came down, Luka shook off the thought and stared up at Marinette's trap door. Seeing that she hadn't come down yet - understandable given that she had no idea he was there - he pulled out his phone and navigated to her contact. However, just before he could tap on it, there was an abrupt, loud, and unusual noise coming from Marinette's room, followed by the sound of Marinette yelping and presumably hitting the floor.

Luka gasped. “Marinette!”

Not even thinking, he hurried upstairs, phone clutched tightly in his hand as he pushed the trap door up and let himself in.

Over a dozen tiny kwami were speeding around her room, each with distinct voices and one of whom he recognized as Sass. He'd initially thought that the Liberty was chaos, and it was, but there was something different about fifteen little melodies all moving around simultaneously and wreaking havoc. They hadn't even seemed to notice that he was there.

There was also a ladybug-patterned ellipsoid lying on the table in the middle of it all, though Luka's eyes fixated mostly on Marinette lying there on the floor, now staring at him with wide eyes as he took in the whole situation.

"L-luka!" she greeted, voice forced. "W-what a surprise! I mean, you must be surprised at my toy collection! See, there's—there’s this magnetism thing going on that lets them seem like they're flying and—"

She was cut off as one of the kwami accidentally dropped something to the floor, making her flinch from the loud noise. Even the sound all around the room was overwhelming, the little beings ignoring Marinette’s panic in favor of playing with her things.

That's when the tears started, subtly at first until Marinette let out a whimper.

Ignoring all the revelations he just went through, Luka hurried to Marinette's side, helping her up and checking her for injuries. "Marinette, are you okay—"

"You know!" she cut in, running her fingers anxiously through her hair. "You're not supposed to know!"

He took a breath, recognizing that he was going to have to deal with these revelations now. "It's okay. I promise, I'd never—"

"No, it's not okay!" she argued, throwing her hands out. "I've been guardian for just a few days and this—this isn't—! I already—and now the kwami are out—!" She slumped and dropped her gaze to the floor, ashamed. "I'm a bad guardian. I'm a bad girlfriend. I couldn't protect you from knowing!"

"Marinette, you're not a bad girlfriend. You—" He paused, something occurring to him. "Protect me...?"

He hadn't been Viperion for long, but Luka remembered the importance given to secret identities. He understood that it was a form of protecting oneself and one's loved ones, meaning that a permanent hero like Ladybug needed to keep hers a secret the most.

"Is..." His stomach twisted in knots as he remembered all the dates she'd had to either miss or postpone. He bent down, trying to look at her face, and when he still couldn't, he gently cupped her face and encouraged her to make eye contact with him. "Is that why—"

"Yes! That's why I have to keep cutting our dates short, and not being there for you, and not going on patrols with Chat, and why I haven't had time to take those stupid Adrien pictures down! I can't do anything right!"

At some point, the volume of her voice had finally drawn the attention of the kwami, who all stared at her like children watching their parent having a breakdown and feeling awkward about it. Luka paid them no mind, his heart breaking as he processed all the information Marinette was telling him while all he could do was pull her into a hug and just hold her.

"I'm sorry I found out like this," he admitted, running his hand up and down along her back. "I'm glad that I know but I would've wanted you to share that secret with me instead."

"I-I'm sor—"

"Please don't apologize, Marinette," he gently begged. "I hate hearing songs with meanings I don't agree with. You don't have anything to feel sorry for. If I had the ladybug earrings instead, I would've had to do the same thing as you, and you wouldn't have asked me to apologize, would you?"

She looked up at him, expression pained and full of so many burdens that he couldn't believe he hadn't seen before. He brushed her fringe aside and rested his palm against her forehead, concerned about how pale she seemed and worried that she'd stress herself to a cold.

She leaned into his touch, then further until he was forced to move his hand away. She buried her face in his chest, surprising him as she hugged him tightly. Her song turned from the harsh wail of an electric guitar to the mellow tones of an acoustic, and he sighed in a mixture of relief and happiness.

"...Luka," she murmured, lightly clutching whatever fabric she could reach. "The movie. We'll miss it at this rate."

He hummed, half in response to what she said and half in content. "You're so much more important than the movie."

His heart skipped a beat when she actually giggled, her grip on him loosening and the hug turning to something she did because she wanted to, not for comfort. "More important than Jagged Stone?"

He chuckled, burying his face into her hair as he returned the hug. "Always. Even my idol can't compete with my muse."

She leaned further into him, her melody picking up hints off a bell chiming happily. She almost knocked him over from how much of her weight she was putting on him, but he didn't protest and even enjoyed it; it meant she was trusting him with her secrets instead of shouldering the weight herself.

"I know I couldn't have known," he began, "but I'm sorry that our dates took up your time. I never wanted to cause you any stress."

"But I wanted to!" she insisted, jolting up to look at him. "It's just—it's been a lot, and—"

He placed two fingers against her lips before she could start rambling. "Marinette, I don't need to go on normal dates to have fun with you."

She blinked, waiting for him to move his fingers before asking, "Y-you don't?"

He smiled. "Of course not. I can hang out here while you work, while you do important stuff."

With a small, amused snort, she pulled away from him and wiped any stray tears away. "You're 'important stuff.'"

He grinned like the love-struck fool that he was, then shrugged. "Well, I'll still be here anyway then, right?"

"That's true." She paused, glancing off to the side in consideration, then looked back at him as she asked, "in that case... would you help me with something?"

"Anything," he answered immediately.

She pointed, his gaze drawn to her wall full of Adrien pictures. "Like I said, I haven't had the time, and... I've been wanting to remodel forever."

He was more than happy to help, and there was a selfish part of him that considered it far better than any movie they could've seen.

—————

It took a bit more time than either of them anticipated to take down all of the images, but between the two of them, it wasn't a hard job. The biggest time-waster during the whole thing was Marinette's rambling, but Luka welcomed it wholeheartedly.

Due to not watching much TV, he honestly hadn't heard about what'd happened when Jagged Stone had been at the bakery and the camera crew had invaded Marinette's privacy, and he couldn't believe how much mental stress she must've gone through. After all, even though he and Juleka shared a room, there was still a divider for when they needed their privacy, so he wasn't unaware about how personal it was to have one's room recorded without their consent, even if nothing embarrassing got caught on camera.

It seemed cruel to know that Paris' supposedly lucky superhero was perhaps one of the unluckiest people he'd ever known.

Almost on cue, just when the last picture was down and Marinette was debating on what to do with them, her phone went off with a ringtone that sounded very much like danger. Looking over, there was a butterfly symbol flashing on the screen and Marinette's expression faltered at the sight of it.

"Akuma alert," she said flatly, with a pout that would've been cute had he not known what it meant. She hesitated, eyes flicking from him to her phone. "Um... look, I... I have to—"

"Go," he interrupted with a reassuring smile. "I'm not going anywhere, and I'll be here when you're done."

"But—" She frowned and glared at her phone, clearly knowing that she had to leave but not wanting to.

"I mean it, Marinette. It's okay."

She looked at him like she'd never heard those words from anyone else before, eyes vulnerable but fond. She gave him a nod, a brief smile flickering across her face before she turned away and rushed to the stairs. She shouted for her transformation on the way out and Luka watched as her clothes shifted into her ladybug-patterned bodysuit.

When she was completely gone, Luka felt a sudden unsteadiness and leaned against the table for support. It wasn't that he was shocked exactly to hear that Marinette was Ladybug, but he was still overloaded nonetheless.

As his hand rested on the table, he felt the heel of his palm brush something and looked down to see the pile of Adrien pictures next to him. It sent another rush through his body at the reminder that she'd asked him to help her take them down. He was dating her, sure, but he wasn't foolish enough to think that there were no lingering feelings for Adrien. He knew where she stood and he was okay letting her test the waters with him, as she did have feelings for him and who was he to complain if his crush wanted to date him? Besides, he couldn't help wanting to see if maybe it would truly make their bond stronger.

Looking at the wall now, clear of anything but the pink paint, he knew this was real and ended up wishing he'd brought his guitar.

Then, remembering the akuma alert on Marinette's phone, Luka pulled out his own and began to search, eventually finding what she already had: a direct link to watch streams and updates on whatever akuma or sentimonster shenanigans were going on. He knew well enough that he would only give himself anxiety from it, but he wanted to watch his girlfriend in action as a form of support.

Gosh, Ladybug was his girlfriend.

He took a deep breath to steady himself as he watched the footage, his eyes locked to the screen and only shifting when he felt various figures drawing close. He looked up to see that the kwami had all gathered around him, watching the screen closely.

"So..." the pig-looking kwami began, fiddling with their own paws like they knew they were being awkward. "Have you ever wanted to be a hero?"

There was a hiss off to the side, Sass cutting in with, "He already has me."

Luka wasn't feeling up to smile at that, debating with himself before sighing. "Marinette works really hard, and her song is full of sour notes right now," he said. Stepping away and heading for the chaise lounge, he sat down and added, "I hope you can figure out how to rewrite them."

The kwami all exchanged looks, some confused by the metaphor and others who perhaps understood but didn't know how to follow up on it. Luka didn't give them his attention, focusing on the akuma battle playing on his phone.

As he'd expected, it made him a little nervous actually seeing Ladybug in action due to now knowing it was his girlfriend fighting out there. He believed in her abilities and mentally cheered her on, but he just kept remembering all the akuma he'd known about and how stressful it had to have been.

Off to the side, some of the kwami joined forces to help pick up some of the items they'd previously dropped on the floor. It was only after Marinette's room looked as it did before that they properly joined Luka to watch the battle with him.

It was a start.

—————

The battle between Ladybug and the akuma (and Chat Noir was there he supposed) seemed to be getting into its final verse when Luka heard the sound of the trap door being grabbed and clicked open, making him jump. He was only able to whisper a, "Hide," so the kwami could act before Sabine peered inside the room and took a curious look around.

Apparently, they all thought that huddling against his back was a great hiding spot, and he could only smile sheepishly at Sabine while attempting to ignore the weird feeling.

"You're still here?" Sabine asked. "I thought you were going somewhere, and..." She raised a brow, looking around once more. "Where's Marinette?"

"Ah," Luka began, his mind rushing for an excuse, "we actually decided to have our date here instead. Marinette just went up to her balcony to grab something."

It didn't feel good to lie, though he also felt a sense of accomplishment in protecting Marinette's secret. Was this what Marinette dealt with all the time; having to lie to people even if she didn't want to?

Sabine glanced up briefly to where the balcony was, then back to him, slightly confused but rolling with it. "Alright. Do you two need anything?"

"No, ma'am. Thank you though," he replied, hoping it didn't sound forced.

Thankfully, Sabine nodded and left without asking any further questions, the kwami emerging and clinging to Luka while they peered at the now-closed trap door. Luka breathed a sigh of relief, then went back to watching the akuma battle on his phone.

The rest of the fight took a couple minutes, and all that was left to do afterward was wait for Ladybug to return. Once again, Luka wished he had his guitar, making a mental note to get all of his feelings out when he got home, as typical music apps just didn't do anything for him.

An expected "thump" eventually came from the balcony, and the kwami drifting away from Luka as Ladybug descended and landed on her bed. She saw Luka staring at her and initially flinched, but it was clearly a reflex from people seeing her as Ladybug where she shouldn't be, and she hurried down to meet with him afterward. Luka hopped to his feet, not hesitating to meet her halfway and envelop her in a hug, earning a squeak out of her.

"L-luka?"

"Sorry," he murmured. "Just... I got to think about everything you must've gone through without m—" He choked off, suddenly embarrassed, then corrected, "—someone to help you."

She blinked, then giggled and hugged him back. "You're my boyfriend. You're apologizing for hugging me and being worried about sounding selfish?" She nestled her face against his shoulder and he blushed at how warm she was. "Don't. I like it when you're a little selfish, Luka. It grounds me; makes me feel like you're not totally out of my league."

Luka scoffed, nuzzling his head against hers. "You're in a league all your own. I'm literally dating a superhero."

"Trust me, it's not as cool as it sounds."

"I disagree. I think you're really cool."

She blushed profusely. "H-hey..."

He chuckled. "By the way, your mom came to check up on us."

Ladybug gasped, then pulled back, eyes wide and concerned. She was clearly about to apologize, so he cut her off before she could.

"I told her that we were having our date here and that you were getting something from the balcony. Everything's alright."

Her shoulders eased. She let out a sigh of relief as her head fell back against his shoulder. "Thank you."

He hummed contently, resting his hand along her back and keeping it there. Then, realizing when Sabine came up earlier and might do it again, he reminded her, "You're still Ladybug."

"Huh? ...Oh!" she said, though with less panic than normal and unwilling to recoil from the happy spot she was in.

He heard the whisper of her de-transformation phrase and winced as the light engulfed her, slowly turning her back into Marinette. He felt the spandex under his hand turn into fabric and Marinette's breath against his skin as she exhaled.

A kwami that Luka deduced was Marinette's flew a small distance away, eyeing Luka warily and semi-critically. Luka didn't blame her - he wasn't supposed to know - but he also knew that it was far too late to change anything now, and there was no way he was going to abandon Marinette or pretend he knew nothing. He imagined that the kwami knew that too.

"...I'm Tikki," the kwami greeted finally. "It's nice to meet you officially, Luka."

Luka gave her a nod in return, then stiffened somewhat as Marinette squeezed him tighter, burying her face further against him like she truly cherished him.

"It's still a lot," she whispered. "Is it okay if you hug me a little longer?"

"Of course." Though, he paused for a moment before adding, "Would it be more comfortable for you if we move to your chaise?"

"Hm?" She pulled away just enough to look down and realize that they were still awkwardly standing at the bottom of the steps to her bed. "Oh! Yeah, I mean—I didn't even—"

"Hey." He tenderly cupped her cheek, offering a smile. "I didn't complain, did I?"

She looked briefly surprised, making him wonder just how much she'd had to apologize in the past. They slowly made their way over to the chaise lounge, Luka settling down and opening his arms for her so she could settle onto his lap and snuggle against him. He leaned back against the chaise, throwing his legs across the length of it, then wrapped an arm around Marinette to make her feel secure.

"This is nice. It's... um—" She peeked up at him, then grinned shyly. "—melodic? Is that what you'd call it?"

He couldn't stop himself from snorting.

Marinette blushed in embarrassment. "H-hey! I'm trying, okay?"

"I know." He took a strand of her hair in his hand and stroked it. "You always try, and I love that about you."

She let out a series of whines at that, but doesn't protest the compliment either. She nestled against his chest, keeping her face turned away enough to still talk to him without her voice being muffled.

"I just... want to know more about you, Luka," she told him. "You're so sweet and I felt awful having to ditch you. Didn't it bother you?"

He gave a one-armed shrug. "You were busy. I unders—"

"Luka."

He stopped, meeting her firm gaze and knowing that he wasn't getting out of this easily. He sighed, admitting, "...Yeah, it bothered me, but it wasn't because of you or that I didn't trust you. I... see—my dad..." He rubbed the back of his neck, realizing that he'd never told anyone this story before. "I never knew who he was. I asked my mom so many times, but she never gave me an answer. Whenever you had to leave and lie to me, I..."

"Oh." She raised herself up more to meet him closer to eye level. "I'm so sorry—wait—sorry, you told me not to apologize—Sorry! I did it agai—ACK!"

He laughed, feeling warm and delighted by how much she cared about him and wanted him to feel secure in their relationship. He squeezed her shoulder in reassurance, wanting to nuzzle her for how cute she was being and just barely able to hold himself back.

"Don't worry about it. I'm glad you were looking out for me, but you deserve someone to look out for you too."

She pouted a bit at the heartfelt comment, then smiled and raised her hand to settle on his along her shoulder.

He hummed, pausing purposefully for effect before asking, "...So, what does the great guardian Marinette want to do now?"

"Oh my gosh, Luka."

He grinned, happy to compliment her until she was completely red. "How about the brave and heroic Ladybug then?"

"Luka."

He reached up to caress her cheek with his thumb. "But, if you ask me, I like the kind, sincere civilian Marinette best."

"LUKA!"

—————

The rest of their "date" passed by smoothly, Marinette's parents having left them alone so as to not interrupt anything. Marinette had idly brought up the idea that the movie might still be playing - just at a different time than they planned on going - but Luka brushed off the idea and insisted that he was happy there and didn't need to go on a "real" date with her to have fun, opting to leave it up to her.

And... yeah, neither of them were willing to leave their current position and exchange it for having to sit in different seats at a theater with other people around. They opted to just stare at the ceiling and talk, the kwami having respectfully retreated to Marinette's bed to give them privacy.

Talks of their past meetings and when she left to become Ladybug soon turned into a game of finishing Jagged Stone lyrics. Luka, either by being the bigger fan or just having an easier time remembering them, ended up winning in the end, though he couldn't have expected Marinette to follow up by immediately leaving his lap. He'd held back a whine at the sudden lack of warmth and wondered if maybe she'd been teasing him with some sort of punishment by going away.

But then she'd returned with a tiny pink gift box, and inside was a guitar pick necklace signed by Jagged Stone himself.

"He came into the bakery the other day and I had him sign it for you," she explained. Taking it out to fully present it to him, she asked, "Do...do you like it?"

"I love it, Marinette," he replied immediately, reaching out to feel the guitar pick and properly appreciate it. "I can have this?"

She smiled in response, holding the necklace out in a gesture that made his heart skip a beat, realizing that she was offering to put it on him herself. He leaned close, feeling the light brush of her fingers against his neck as she slipped it onto him. He silently hoped that it was durable because he was absolutely never taking it off.

Marinette's hands lingered on the string even when the necklace was fully on, Luka meeting her gaze to see that she was looking at him with all the love he'd ever dreamed of her offering him. He didn't say a word and neither did she, but with a light tug on his necklace, he was pulled towards her into a kiss. It was definitely too deep for their first but also so nice that neither of them cared, and not even the Ladybug revelation could outmatch his surprise at being so readily smooched.

Luka reached for the hand grabbing his necklace, Marinette letting go of it so they could thread their fingers together. His song was going crazy as she leaned forward, clearly wanting more from him and him being wonderfully helpless to resist her. He breathed her in, his other hand finding its place on her side. Her own hand rose up so her fingers could settle against the back of his neck, and he couldn't bring himself to be embarrassed by the sound he made when she started playing with his hair.

She didn't even pull away when their kiss broke, merely pressing her forehead to his while they each caught their breath. Despite the boldness she'd just displayed, she somehow couldn't maintain eye contact and ended up looking elsewhere while all he could do was stare at her in a daze.

"S-sor—" She paused, remembering again that he told her not to apologize. "I-I mean, I'm... not sorry? I—ah—remembered you saying that music is simpler than words, so I just—I thought that maybe I shouldn't ask you with words and just... play it instead?" Luka could feel the heat radiating from her blush as she hurriedly added, "Um... is that okay?"

He answered her with another kiss.

#type: story #story: oneshot #Flower Arrangement Shipping #episode: Truth #other: ml spoilers #((I may or may not have made that ending scene a little more passionate than it would be otherwise))#((out of pure spite.))#((You're welcome.))#Pro LukaMari #Lukanette

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