#Using my graphic design degree the best I can

[court-jastor]

Some little edits based on jokes from 4-Sided Dive Eps 6-7

#Using my graphic design degree the best I can #I may be using these laudna jokes to manifest her recovery #critical role #cr spoilers #cr3 #laudna #bells hells #pate de rolo #shitpost #meme #critical role fanart #critical role spoilers #mug #packaging #4 sided dive #4sd #four sided dive #marisha ray

[maochira]

Thinking about graphic design student!Kaiser and Ness (aka what if they went to my school😔)

Tags: gn!graphic design student!reader, reader is best friends with Kaiser and Ness, inserting them into my school so everything is from my experience!!

(A/N: for context it's not a college and not really a regular school but more like a school with subjects that prepare you to become a graphic designer (+you have a graphic design degree when you graduate) the only regular subjects there are Maths, English and German (cause I'm from Germany))

-Kaiser starts argumenting with the teacher when they mention doing the lesson in the computer room instead of the classroom. Kaiser is just like "I did NOT carry my laptop here and I'm NOT paying for all those programs just to use the school computers"

-he always wins those arguments which means your class gets to stay in the classroom (which is WAY better than the computer room)

-Kaiser would definitely put a picture of himself as the background of the school computer if the class went to the computer room (which happened a lot in the beginning of the year before everyone had their laptops)

-out of you three Ness is the only one who always brings a USB stick with him, so half of the files on there are yours and Kaiser's

"OCH NE SCHON WIEDER KABELSALAT" (OH NO CABLE CLUTTER AGAIN") -Kaiser when he takes out his charging cables for his laptop and phone out of his bag

-Kaiser makes Ness plug in and unplug his chargers all the time

-Ness is definitely a teacher's pet in drawing class. He always finishes his tasks on time and doesn't complain about the teacher's criticism like some of your classmates do

-but if the teacher gives criticism to Kaiser, as soon as they walk away Ness goes on to praise Kaiser's work about how perfect it is (even when it's really not)

-Ness is scared of the printer because he pressed a wrong button once so now you have to do all the printing for him

-Kaiser doesn't participate in mediatechnics class and because of that he has no idea how to use programs like InDesign, Photoshop and Illustrator so he always asks you or Ness to send him your files

-he needs those files so he can act as if he did something in class in case the teacher walks by to check

-if you need to use those programs during classes like graphic design or typography, expect Kaiser to ask "How do I do this?" every five minutes

-if you tell him to just pay attention in mediatechnics class he just says "whatever" and watches a tutorial on YouTube

-despite not knowing anything about the programs and just learning as he goes, Kaiser's projects end up really good

-if the school WiFi doesn't work, Kaiser lets you and Ness use his hotspot as a thank you for giving him your files all the time

-the pain in all three of you every time a "transparent png" isn't actually transparent

#kaiser like me fr #did i ever pay attention iny mediatechnics no i did not #but i know how to use the programs so.... #mediatechnics class..... very boring #bllk #blue lock #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader #blue lock headcanons #bllk headcanons #blue lock x you #bllk x you #michael kaiser #bllk kaiser #alexis ness #blue lock ness #bllk ness #michael kaiser x reader #michael kaiser x you #alexis ness x reader #alexis ness x you

[max1461]

Ok, ok, I'd like to try to get at an aesthetic idea that I think is really important. I'm gonna lead with an example: sometimes, in Minecraft, people will decorate their houses with combinations of blocks designed to look like furniture. For example, a fence post with a trap door on top looks like a table (you can probably find pictures by googling "Minecraft table" or whatever). I really... well, sometimes I have a hard time with this. This particular example isn't too bad, but there's something about it that rubs me the wrong way. I think it's as follows.

When I look at Minecraft, I am already suspending my disbelief about the visual design of the world. Like the game presents you with a cube covered in a pixelated texture and says "this is a piece of wood" or "this is dirt", and you have to accept that, ok... that is a piece of wood, and this is dirt. That's the conceit you have to buy into to play the game. The way my brain wants to understand this is as something representational. The world of Minecraft is a symbol system, where those pixelated cubes represent dirt and wood and so on. And the actions a player can take in Minecraft-the-game are representative of actions a character is taking in a far more detailed and realistic Minecraft-the-world, which can at best be imagined. Right? Like maybe Minecraft isn't the best example (I chose it because of the table thing), but take another game, like... Final Fantasy VII. When you play FFVII, do you imagine that the characters in this story are meant to really look the way the game shows them to you? No, the game shows you representations of the characters, symbols, and you parse them into a narrative which you imagine to be happening to real, flesh-and-blood people, right? Or at least something close to it. That's how this business works.

So back to the table thing. When a Minecraft player makes a table out of a fence post and a trap door, even though in the game's graphics it looks to me like a table, I can't ever really parse it as a table, because all these things in Minecraft-the-game merely representative of things in Minecraft-the-world, and in Minecraft-the-world it looks like... a trap door sitting on top of a fence post. Why do you have that in your house?

You get what I'm saying?

To me this way of interacting with fiction is like, well it's the only way I can do it. It's where my mind automatically goes. And something like a table made of a trap door and a fence can be incredibly jarring to me for this reason. As I said, that's not the worst example, because like... at least in theory you probably could use that as a table. The worst is like, when people decorate their houses with like, a dead shrub with a leaf block on top as a house plant. Because as soon as you parse the symbols into a coherent object that makes no fucking sense.

Ok, but, clearly my view here is unusual, because most people seem fine with this stuff.

And anyway, my thesis here is that the broader culture is suffuse with stuff that feels out of place to me in exactly this way. Things where different degrees of referentiality are mixed and matched without regard for a coherent meta/object distinction. And it drives me nuts, it bugs me, it feels... I think more than anything it feels tacky. Confused about the difference between being and looking-like. I don't know.

Anybody else get what I'm talking about here?

#navel gazing

[blueskittlesart]

hi! im really curious about your thoughts on oot, i'm trying really hard to like it and i wanna see what you enjoy about it

Hi!!! I'm going to do my best to explain exactly why I like oot but there is a TON of ground to cover. i have already written a bit about the story and my thoughts on it in this document, but this is a much more in-depth analysis of the symbolism and implied narrative which i think may be more helpful to you if you're struggling to get into the story and gameplay!

oot is my favorite zelda game of all time and was what made me fall in love with the series, but I will concede that it shows its age, especially with the insane advancements that video games have made over the past 2 decades or so since its release. Try to remember when playing it that it came out in 1998, when a game with any sort of 3d graphics at all was still new and exciting. some of its gameplay is going to be a bit dated, unfortunately, and it's totally reasonable to dislike that aspect of it i think! If you really find yourself struggling with gameplay, i recommend zeldadungeon.net for dungeon walkthroughs. they have very concise and easy-to-follow walkthroughs for the entire game which make the gameplay MUCH smoother for first-time players! there's no shame in needing walkthrough help in these dungeons, ESPECIALLY some of the later ones which get notoriously convoluted and difficult. that being said, even if you use walkthroughs, I'd encourage you to still pay attention to the dungeon's designs and details as a lot of thought was put into these designs and I think they're still some of the strongest in the series! gameplay-wise I'd also say that there are a lot of little collectibles that will seem like they're way more important than they are to new players. you don't need the skulltulas (they get you a bigger wallet), you don't need to complete any trading sequences, you don't even REALLY need to go out of your way to collect any of the extra heart pieces, the game is perfectly beatable with just the hearts you'll get from dungeons. Knowing all these things going in will really streamline your gaming experience and make things easier for you if you're getting put off by the 90s-style game design.

As for what i really love about the series, it's the story. And i understand that if you're not someone who makes a habit of analyzing media to an obsessive degree, at first glance oot doesn't seem to have a lot of story. A simple fact of old game design is that more dialog and cutscenes meant more storage space was needed, and the biggest constraint in game design at the time was the limited amount of storage a disc or cartridge could hold. What this means is that storytelling in older games like oot takes a very different form than the cutscene and dialog-heavy storytelling that games tend to use nowadays. the storage restrictions on the game meant that a lot of oot's story had to be told implicitly, via details and worldbuilding and actions carried out by the player. I know this can make it difficult to grasp at first glance! that's why i love to analyze it and talk about it, because I want people to understand how rich and well-told oot's narrative actually is and i know that most people aren't as willing to put in the work as i am, lol. with that being said, this is where the spoilers are gonna start! i'm gonna recap and analyze most of oot's story here, so if you're not looking for spoilers scroll away now and experience the game for yourself!!

oot is at its roots a story about adults failing children. i will elaborate on this point a bit more later, but for now let's look at our opening segment. We are introduced to our link, the youngest link in the franchise, at nine years old. From the get-go, we as the player are told that link's hylian parents died in a conflict very shortly after he was born, leaving him in kokiri forest to be raised by the deku tree, among the kokiri.

The kokiri are a race of eternal children. what this means, essentially, is that we begin the story with a link wearing rose-tinted glasses. the kokiri live forever without aging or dying, and they never leave the forest. Link has grown up isolated and without any concept of aging or death. he has been told by the deku tree, his father-figure, that he IS a kokiri and therefore will never age or die. Despite this, link does have a crucial difference from the rest of the kokiri that even he is aware of--he has no fairy. If you talk to the kokiri in the initial kokiri forest segment of the game, many of them will talk down to you or make remarks about you finally getting a fairy, reminding the player that link knows SOMETHING is wrong with him, that he's different from the other kids somehow, but he's not yet been able to pinpoint what.

we come to our first dungeon segment, where the deku tree summons link and tells him that he's dying and that link must defeat a monster to save him. when the player completes this objective, the deku tree dies anyway, revealing that he knew all along he couldn't be saved and lied to link about it in order to get him to do the dungeon. with his dying breath, he tells link to leave the forest and find princess zelda. (worth noting that up until this point, link has been told that leaving the forest will KILL HIM.) this is the first major failure of an adult we see, and as the inciting incident of the game it sets the tone very nicely for the rest of the shitshow. The deku tree lies to link his entire life about who he is, and then spends his dying moments lying to link AGAIN, specifically in service of a greater plan to turn link into the savior of hyrule by sending him to help princess zelda. this point is crucial--the deku tree has clear-cut, understandable reasons behind acting the way he does. It would have been much easier on link to allow him to grow up isolated among the kokiri, and it removes a lot of the potential danger he would have faced as an orphan in hyrule in the aftermath of the war which killed his parents. (we will later see that hyrule is in no way a safe place for a child on their own.) Explaining all the magical-destiny lore to a nine year old had the potential to scare him away from the task ahead, as did admitting to him that there was no way to save the deku tree. But lying to him about it all still ultimately deeply hurt him. this is the stage upon which the rest of the game will build.

Link, freshly traumatized by the death of his tree dad, leaves kokiri forest. he goes to castle town and meets princess zelda, a girl no older than him. Princess zelda tells him that she fears for the safety of her kingdom, but that no one will listen to her when she tries to warn them of the danger. this is our second adult failing--the entire conflict around which this game centers could have been prevented if only any adult was willing to listen to zelda's concerns about ganondorf. But because she is a child she is dismissed over and over again until she finally turns to ANOTHER child for help. her plan for link involves him retrieving objects needed to open the gateway to the sacred realm within the temple of time, which i know sounds like a bunch of confusing lore shit but all you really need to understand is that there's a gateway to what is essentially godlike power inside this temple, and zelda wants link to open the gateway and claim the power before ganondorf can. link already has one of the 3 keys he needs--it was the reward for killing the deku tree beating the first dungeon in kokiri forest, and zelda takes this as proof enough that he will be able to find the other two.

in these first three dungeon segments, link is confined to his nine-year-old form. His sword is wooden and deals considerably less damage than it will later in the game, and in each of the dungeon segments there are reminders of the way being a child affects his autonomy in hyrule--the guard at the gates of death mountain won't let him pass, the zora princess berates him for not being enough of a man, several collectibles are clearly visible but impossible to reach with his current size & ability, etc etc. this section of the game is deliberately juxtaposed against the initial segment in kokiri forest, in which everything was built for someone of link's size and strength and no part of the map was unexplorable or all that challenging. What you're supposed to realize here is that being a kid in hyrule is HARD. you have very little autonomy and are constantly condescended to. One of the few hylian npcs your age, Malon, is a good example of this--in her mini-quest she vents to link about how her father can't see that his stablehand resents him and she's constantly having to look after him without being listened to. She is being given adult responsibilities (looking after her father & the animals on their farm) without adult social status. Her situation is a deliberate parallel to both link and zelda's, though during this 3-dungeon segment of the game it's not immediately clear yet just how much adult responsibility link is actually shouldering. in any case, this is our third example of adults failing children, and the theme begins to be echoed in the worldbuilding of hyrule during this stage as well.

now we come to the initial confrontation, the scene which alters the trajectory of the game and divides what i consider the first and second halves of the gameplay (although the second half is probably much longer lol). Link, having found all 3 keys to the sacred realm, returns to hyrule castle, only to find that ganondorf has attacked, forcing princess zelda to flee with her attendant. He catches one final glimpse of her where she throws him the final key needed to unlock the temple of time: the ocarina. although no words are exchanged between them, it's clear that she's asking link to carry out the rest of her plan on his own and claim the power sealed in the temple before ganondorf can. and so link goes to the temple of time and opens the gateway, but link is nine years old and so link doesn't notice that ganondorf, a trained thief, is following him. When he opens the temple, ganon siezes the power zelda was trying so hard to keep him from finding.

we then pan down to link again, but different. he's changed, he's older. notably, he isn't an adult. he is sixteen years old, physically, but mentally, for both link and the player, no time has passed at all. this is important to keep in mind for the rest of the game--no matter how link may look, he is mentally still nine years old. he wakes up to essentially a lecture from the world's biggest dickhead, the sage rauru. Rauru places the blame for ganondorf's rise to power squarely on link and zelda's shoulders, noting that if link hadn't opened the temple of time in the first place, ganondorf would have never been able to sieze power. he tells link that he placed him into a deep sleep for the past seven years because, at nine years old, he wasn't strong enough physically to take on ganondorf and win. But now, he says, link is old enough to be a real asset. it's time for link to defeat ganondorf.

Once again, we have a clear-cut case of adults failing children. Link and zelda took matters into their own hands BECAUSE of the adults in their lives. for link, it was the deku tree (HIS FATHER)'s dying wish that he help zelda. for zelda, her plan was a last resort after begging every adult in her life to see what was coming and being constantly ignored. now that what she predicted has come to pass, she and link take all the blame for it, for being kids in a difficult position doing the best they could with NO ADULT HELP WHATSOEVER. you can't place the fate of an entire kingdom on the shoulders of two nine year olds and expect it not to fall. but that's what hyrule's adult leaders did, and when the kingdom fell they let the nine-year olds take the blame for it. zelda hasn't been seen for years. she's either dead or in hiding out of shame for her mistake. meanwhile, Link has once again become a pawn in someone else's game. The sage rauru decides for him, without ever consulting him, that he can't be trusted to remain conscious for the seven years between gameplay segments. that he will be safer and happier to remain asleep. anyone who stops for a moment to consider what this might do to link's mental state would have not done this, but rauru sees link as a child, which in hyrule is synonymous with an object to be controlled, with no feelings of his own. he needs to be protected and hidden, regardless of what effect it has on him when he wakes up. nothing else matters as long as he can be kept alive and unharmed. this is a deliberate parallel to the way the deku tree treated link while under his care in kokiri forest--he doesn't need to know the truth, because it's easier and more convenient for everyone else if he doesn't. its effect on his mental state doesn't matter. what matters is that he is kept in a position which is convenient for the adults in his life. this is another reminder of the way in which being so young hurts link, and if I can diverge into real-world relevance for a second, it's an obvious metaphor for the way trauma steals one's childhood. Link was never allowed to grow up normally. he went from being a kid one day to an adult the next, with no time in between to figure anything out. his childhood, his coming-of-age, was stolen from him by greedy adults who needed him to be a pawn in their war.

the dungeons in the adult segment of the game can technically be completed in multiple different orders, but the usual order (and what i think is probably the way the narrative is intended to progress) is to get to the forest temple first, which requires you to reenter kokiri forest, all grown up. it's important to note that up until this point in your gameplay, link still has plausible deniability about his race. sure, he didn't die when he left the forest, but maybe that was a lie told to ALL kokiri. maybe he's still a kokiri and he won't grow up. but now he's got solid proof that he was lied to, and that the safe, beautiful sanctuary he's spent the majority of his life in was never actually meant to be his home. When you return to kokiri forest as an adult, you find that it's nothing like the safe-haven you remember. it's been overrun with monsters that are taller than you now, as an adult. This is a metaphor, obviously, for returning to someplace changed. link goes back to his home and it doesn't feel like his home anymore with all that he knows now. And if the monsters weren't enough, if link talks to the kokiri, cowering in their little kid-sized houses, not a single one of them recognizes him. they address him as an adult they've never met before. to them, it's been seven years, and they've never known a kid to grow into an adult before. but to link, it's been a few days at most, and inside he's still the little boy they knew.

the dungeons in this segment of the game are mostly straightforward training exercises to give link the necessary skills and assets he needs to fight ganondorf. I'll skip over most of them, but there are three things i DO want to highlight about this section of the game: malon, sheik, and the water temple.

Malon is introduced in the first half of the game as an example of another child with very little agency and power. Seven years later, if link visits her again, he will find the ranch in an even worse state, with the stablehand having taken over and kicked out malon's father. Malon stays purely out of fear of what will happen to her horses if she leaves them in his hands. She is an adult now, as you are, and yet she has even less power than before. So much of the first half of oot is framed in such a way that the player wishes link was older. It wants you to think, wouldn't this whole thing be easier if I was an adult? Wouldn't I have more power, more agency? but now that you ARE an adult, you're confronted with the fact that nothing has changed. you are still a pawn in a war against ganondorf. Malon is still trapped at the ranch, forced to endure daily abuse or leave her animal friends to die. however, this segment is also the first time you as the player are given the option to fight back. If you, as a child, have taken the necessary steps to befriend malon and epona, one of her horses, you are able to use the bonds you forged in childhood to run the stablehand off the ranch and return power to malon. this mini-arc with malon is a teaser for the overarching arc of the game--having no power in childhood, believing that adulthood will be your savior, but finding the same powerlessness in adulthood, and ultimately returning to pieces of your childhood in order to finally reclaim your power.

next up is sheik, who is deliberately a mystery for the majority of this segment, but. well. we all know he's zelda, so i'm not going to beat around the bush. Sheik is what has become of zelda in the years since ganondorf took power--where zelda was once strong-willed and refused to stand down in the face of danger, sheik now moves among the shadows, darting in to offer link a bit of help or advice but never getting too close. My reading of this is that zelda, after growing up in the aftermath of her failed plan, was afraid of what she'd done to link. She saw her influence as the thing that brought hyrule to ruin--after all, link never would have opened the door in the temple of time if not for her. The way she sees it, her choice to use him back when they were nine destroyed his life and her kingdom. This is why she's largely absent in this segment of the game, only stepping in for brief moments and disappearing the second link tries to reach out for her. Her character at this point is essentially representative of self-isolation as a coping mechanism.

finally the water temple, which I promise i didn't single out just because it sucks, but i will warn any potential players that it sucks. it's the most convoluted ass design in the world and even with a walkthrough it gets confusing and hard to navigate at times. this is not the point of this paragraph, though. the point of this paragraph is that there is a miniboss in this dungeon that is INCREDIBLY important to link's character and to this day is one of the most well-done and impactful battles i've ever had the pleasure of playing. (side note, why the hell did the himekawa manga make this battle happen at the bottom of the fucking well?? ive believed for years that he was a shadow temple boss because of that. whatever. anyways)

about halfway through this dungeon, you come upon a room that looks like an endless sea of water, with bits of ruins and a single rotting tree in the middle. when you walk into the room, you'll be attacked by a mini-boss that takes the form of link's reflection, black and translucent with glowing red eyes. the miniboss dark link will mimic your attacks and block when you swing, requiring players to be crafty and strategic in order to beat him instead of just swinging with the right weapon at the right time. from a purely gameplay-based standpoint, this fight is sick as hell. it rewards you for thinking on your feet and forces you to come up with real time strategy to beat a foe who genuinely seems to think the same way you do, which is REALLY cool, especially for a game released in nineteen fucking ninety eight. narratively, though, there are symbols upon symbols upon symbols to be picked apart in this fight alone. there's the obvious metaphor of fighting onesself--representative of an internal struggle of some kind. pair that with the set dressing for this arena and the information we already know about link, and things start to fall into place. Link was raised in a lush forest, surrounded on all sides by walls of trees that kept him safe and isolated from the world at large. the minute he left that forest, bits and pieces of his worldview started to fall apart--he learned his identity as a kokiri was a lie, experienced the hardships of being a child in hyrule, and now he's grown up and become a pawn in the fight against ganondorf, losing what little agency he had along with the ability to return to his home in kokiri forest. He finds himself in this illusion room, with a shadow version of himself waiting to attack him, clearly indicating that this room is representative of his state of mind. an endless, desolate landscape stretching out into infinity. no walls to keep him safe, no cover at all save for that one single, ROTTING TREE in the middle. This tree is a symbol of link's mental state. (my evidence for this one spans across a couple games but just trust me when i say this interpretation is grounded in reality it would just take too long to explain) and the tree is not looking good. it is dying. and from this dying tree springs a reflection of himself that link must fight to progress. I think there's an obvious message that's being conveyed here: link regrets leaving kokiri forest. he regrets the way he's been used, the hard truths he has had to learn about the world since he left. He is still mentally nine years old, and as a child he still yearns to return to that safety he was promised in kokiri forest despite knowing that it's no longer there for him to return to. Dark link is representative of all link's fear and regret and turmoil surrounding his destiny and what has been done to him over the last seven years. Because this is a video game, he is able to physically fight those feelings, to defeat the reflection of himself that torments him and walk out of that room at peace, having faced his fears and confronted his true feelings. Narratively, this battle is representative of the ongoing internal struggle link is grappling with over the course of this segment of gameplay, and shows the player how link must overcome those feelings of fear and inadequacy in order to gain the power to defeat ganon.

now we finally come to the ending segment of the game. this is where the lore gets a little bit convoluted and trips some people up. if you're not a lore slave you can basically ignore the triforce thing. the only affect it has on the narrative is that it gives ganondorf a reason to need both link and zelda, since they have the other two pieces of the powerful relic he's after. this is why he kidnaps zelda and taunts link to come rescue her instead of just like. hunting them both for sport in the wilds of hyrule.

the final battle with ganon is the culmination of all your efforts throughout the game. in the leadup to it, the final dungeon reminds you of this by having each of its rooms be a mini-version of one of the previous six temples you completed in the second half of the game. once you finish this final dungeon, you're able to get into the castle. I have to mention one of my favorite design choices in this whole game here, which is the fact that the background music in the castle gets louder the closer you get to the final room, and when you finally get there it's revealed that ganondorf was playing it the whole time. the details in this game make me crazy they're all so well-done. anyways. to discuss this battle we first need to discuss a crucial character who i realize i've forgotten to mention this ENTIRE time somehow: navi.

I love navi. i hate the way she became a joke among fans. this is not the point of this post. the point is that narratively, navi is one of the only GOOD adult figures we see in the entire game. (one could argue that she isn't an adult, but she takes on a guiding and mentor-like role for link so i consider her one despite some of her more childish mannerisms.) Navi is the one character who has been at link's side since the very beginning, the only consistent good influence on his life. the only adult mentor who hasn't somehow tried to fuck him over or manipulate him somehow. She is INTEGRAL to his survival through all the crazy bullshit he gets caught up in. the game makes her importance clear to the player in two ways: the first, obviously, is that she's the tutorial character--she tells you where to go, what to do, explains mechanics and puzzles, etc. The second, and the detail that's gonna be super important in our discussion of the final battle, is that she's tied to the game's targeting mechanic. It's subtle enough that I actually didn't notice it my first time around UNTIL this final battle, but every time you target an enemy to attack them (which with the way the camera movement is designed in this game is basically a required element of combat) navi flies to their weak spot and hovers there, which is the in-game explanation for what targeting is--navi is showing link the monsters' weak spots. in the first phase of the final battle with ganondorf, he erects a forcefield which prevents navi from entering the battlefield, removing the player's ability to target completely.

i absolutely LOVE this battle in terms of both gameplay and narrative. removing the targeting mechanic is a genuine handicap that makes the battle genuinely difficult for the player, and narratively it serves to remind you of the importance of navi, a positive adult influence, in link's life. without her, dealing damage is so much more difficult, but as soon as you have her back the battle becomes super intuitive and you're able to strategize much more effectively. Eventually, you deal enough damage to get navi back and flee the castle with the princess, before making one final stand against Ganon, a mutated beast-form of ganondorf. with navi by your side, his massive weakness becomes easily targetable, and you're able to defeat and seal him for good.

the end-credits scene of the game shows link time-traveling back to his nine-year-old self, before any of the events of the game have come to pass, and re-entering hyrule castle to warn nine-year-old zelda about what is to come. this is a time paradox, i know, but i LOVE this ending thematically. As I mentioned extensively earlier, link and zelda's stories are both representative of the way trauma robs you of childhood. they were both stripped of their chance to be children and grow up and come of age due to what happened with ganondorf. Allowing link to go back and prevent those events from ever occurring is a promise of healing. it's a promise that he and zelda will be able to reclaim the childhoods that were stolen from them by war and by adults who wanted to use them as pawns in it. it's a reclamation of the agency that these characters have been consistently denied throughout their stories. it's. a good ending. it's a really good ending. I like it a lot.

So uhhh wow that was a lot! what it comes down to is that i think oot is a story a ton of people can relate to. being a kid with responsibility but no agency and longing to be an adult, but then growing up and wanting nothing more than to return to the childhood you lost... that's something that really resonates with me, at least. and yeah oot has a lot of quirks and convoluted story and stuff but at its core it's a really beautiful coming-of-age that deals REALLY well with trauma and childhood and growing up!! tldr it's just. a genuinely incredible story and it means a LOT to me lol

#THIS IS SO LONG IM SO SORRY IM CRAZY LMAOOOO #zelda analysis #everyone please play ocarina of time. im going insane here

[fuck-customers]

It's almost sad that when I tell my regulars I only make $14.50 an hour at a job where I do professional level graphic design and print work, they all get shocked and say I should be making more (I work at a locally owned print shop, and I love the job for the most part, I just hate how I'm rushed and hate certain clients).

WcDonads employees make more than I do. Gas station employees around here make more than I do. And I honestly feel quite jipped because I was told to go to college. Get a degree. Find a job in the field I go to school for and I'll be set (I'm one of those "zillenials," too young to be a millenial but too old to be gen z). Some people say i should be thankful, $14.50 is a lot, but cost of living where I'm at is at least $20/hr. Granted, my college is completely paid for so I don't have student loans to worry about and I'm happy I have graphic design and photography experience. But when I'm at work and I feel the bald patch from where my hair has been falling out from stress from workload, it makes me feel like I was tricked.

I'm so conflicted. Like I said. I like this job. When things aren't busy it's wonderful. But those are becoming fewer and farther between where stuff has completely reopened from Covid and more people want printing for events and sales.

And I've met wonderful people! And learned about small businesses in my community I would have never known about otherwise! I love getting to make nice designs and print beautiful art every day. One of my current friends I've met copying her artwork for her! My gifts to my family have been photo prints and even signs for my dad's workshop that I've gotten printed at a discount and they're all loved so much. And I don't have to wear a uniform - jeans and a t-shirt of my choice every day!

But I've also been yelled at over small shit like maps not being printed on time, or how the color on a flyer isn't as "vibrant as it is on screen," or told to hurry up on a yard sign that someone decided they needed today rather than next week, or have a someone chew me out because I haven't even had time to print three sheets of mailing labels because I've had to hold the hand of a very picky woman who wants her rental guest book to look "just right" yet can't be assed to learn how to use a computer on her own. I've had packages thrown at me when I've said people need to pay to ship them. People getting mad over $.20 black and white copies and $.49 color copies. People saying they're going to get their business cards from PistaVrint because it's cheaper. People come to us and act like we're tech support - "Why is my computer not opening Wicrosoft Mord?! Why is my email not sending?! Why is my phone doing this?!" Like I don't know! Take it to Bye Best!

My manager hardly gets paid any more than I do and she's been with the business for almost 30 years and drives an hour each day to come to work. I only got bumped to $14.50 after my boss overheard I was interviewing at a college print shop that would have paid me $18 an hour. He couldn't even wage match! And I didn't even get the job.

I don't have funds to move to another location where I could find a better paying job in my field, nor would I want to as my family and community are here.

There is a pillow factory here I never knew about. They're hiring various positions starting at $19 an hour. Evenings and weekends mostly off, only needed to work if they need to fill a very large order. My friend started there this week and while she says she's physically tired, the environment seems nice so far and I'm so burnt out here that I've already asked her if she can get a word in for me to start there. More pay? And way less customer interaction? I could do that! But it sucks that I feel like abandoning what I like to do because of my pay grade and the stress I feel. I wish it was all different.

Posted by admin Rodney.

[diezmil10000]

hi 👋 you can call me diez or chisi

i am from spain and i like to draw lesbians. this is my main blog, if you're only here for my art and not for my reblogs you can follow my art-only blog!!

(FAQ under the cut)

what software and brushes do you use?

i work on ibisPaint X and Krita on a Samsung Galaxy Tab S6 Lite. i use a lot of different brushes for lineart but mostly these ones:

are your commissions open?

i will never do commissions, but thank you for your interest.

will you someday sell your art through an online shop / convention?

no, but feel free to print my stuff in good quality paper if you want to hang it on your wall.

how can i financially support you?

i have no need for that right now. please give your money to other artists or organizations.

can i repost your art / use it for edits?

i don't encourage it, but i don't mind. asking for permission and linking back to any of my social media would be appreciated too ♡ just don't use it for commercial purposes (sell merch, use as streaming layouts, etc)

how do you do X part of your drawing?

i recommend checking my speedpaints if you're curious, the name of the videos is the day i finished that drawing in YYMMDD format (as in, year-month-day). i also made a tag for my art thoughts, but if you still have a question feel free to send me an ask and i'll try my best to explain it!!

where did you learn anatomy?

i used to watch a lot of proko and sycra videos (on youtube), and also do gesture/figure drawings from photo references and k-pop dance practice videos.

when / why did you start drawing?

i started taking it seriously when i was 15. seeing lesbian fanart was what caused my gay awakening and i felt like there wasn't enough of it, so i decided to get better.

do you do traditional art?

i kind of dislike it, actually. i have filled over 1000 A4 sheets and 7 sketchbooks over the years, but it's all quick doodles to practise or warm up. when i bought a tablet i could carry around i stopped drawing traditionally as often, but i still find myself drawing in my sketchbook from time to time when i want to sketch midlessly or get better at something.

do you draw nsfw art?

very rarely, but i only show it to my friends. i do consume a lot of nsfw content tho, just not in public 👍

how do you keep yourself motivated?

a combination of drawing only what i like and a strong desire of seeing more lesbian art. that's why i mostly make fanart and almost never participate in art trades or make art gifts. i also don't want to make a career out of drawing.

have you gone to art school?

i'm currently doing a degree in graphic design at college, but it has almost no correlation with the kind of art i share online. before that i never studied art academically.

are you seriously a furry?

yes.

are you seriously a communist?

i will always stand by the workers of the world and oppose capitalism on its fundamentals. you can call me a communist, socialist, leftist– i don't mind, having a defined label isn't important for me.

are you an anti or a pro shipper?

i am neither, i don't care about this.

are you aware that you follow someone who did something problematic?

i mostly follow other artists, so if i've been following someone problematic for a long time it probably isn't that deep for me to unfollow them.

do you have any ocs?

plenty! but i don't like to talk about them in public

can i be your friend / talk regularly with you?

i don't like to talk to strangers, but if i'm following you feel free to interact with me at any time~

what's the name of your cat?

yonyon ! she's a female cat but i treat her by any and all gendered terms

why have you disabled your DMs, story replies and sometimes comments?

because i dislike interacting with fandoms, especially big ones. i draw for myself and for the lesbians with niche interests, so i don't want to read weird comments, block overly friendly DMs or watch strangers have a public debate about my moral standards. i'm very thankful towards all of you who love my art tho, even if i can't read all of your positive thoughts!! also, there are plenty of ways to contact me, they're just not in plain sight 💋

#diez's art thoughts

[shirefantasies]

I have only asked for one matchup in the past like 8 years of imagine blog requesting but I figured hey, why not? I've been reading your blog nonstop for like 2 weeks, lol! Lets see, I'm about 5ft 4 with a bob of ringlets and a round, even, bespectacled face. I'm pretty curvy and perhaps on the heavier side but I've got a lot more strength to my frame than most give me credit for! In the day to day folks look at me and think I'm a 100% cerebral kind of person and for the most part they'd be right, at least when I was younger. I used to be the ultimate shut-in for the simple fact that I suffer from a family curse on my father's side- when we aren't learning we feel like we're *fucking dieing*(i didn't make tht up it's the family running joke!). These days I'm much more outgoing; I play DnD in 2 groups, have tons of online friends I talk to regularly, I've got a routine of 'sister night's where me and my sister paint together, I sing in a chorus, and I've got study sessions with my mentor going too- so I'm kinda a former-antisocial-dork-turned-deliberate-part-of-their-communities kinda chick. I feel like if i was dropped in middle earth I'd wanna try and build a printing press, my first degree was in graphic design so I know a ton about all the different kinds, I'd love to share! After all, what's the point of learning if you don't use your information to *help* people? Guess I'd be a scribe if I was born there tho. I skew towards liking the hobbit characters more than LOTR, but I'm up for anyone that's in both, too. Congrats on 300, you deserve it!!

Thank you so much for your support and heck yeah, *you* deserve the treat of a matchup too 😘 I’m so glad you said that about the hobbit characters because I definitely had someone in mind for you…

Dear Ori!

Ori finds out someone is causing quite a stir with a new invention, so of course he has to see what all the fuss is about! Something about a revolution amongst his world of scribes happening right at the foot of his home down in Dale. Making his way down to the study named, he musters up the courage to knock on the door. Coming to call unannounced isn't exactly the most polite behavior, he knows, but then again this inventor must be having a lot of that these days. He isn't expecting to see a cute young woman open the door, though, and his first thought is one hoping you aren't just the inventor's wife opening the door for them.

You are not. The moment Ori shyly greets you, asking if it's true what the scribes are saying about an exciting new device, your eyes light up and you usher him in. Inside your home is a bit messy, but the comforting sort of messy where charming china sits out atop tables, game boards at their sides, papers are strewn about with notes and diagrams and drawings Ori wishes he could see better. A potted plant sits in one corner with an unfinished sketch of its likeness on the adjacent shelf. A fire is fighting its best to stay lit behind an elaborately styled metal gate, no doubt to keep it that much further from all the paper. All in all, Ori thinks to himself that this is somewhere he could live. As you begin taking him across the room to a door, you animatedly discuss your many trials and errors before you reveal your masterpiece. A great structure with some sort of metal rod and a bunch of blocks? Printing press, you call it. You had blocks for each letter, the rod pulled down to press the ink down... "Now we can save some time if we need a lot of copies! What do you think?" You stood there with your head expectantly tilted, hands clasped in front of you. "They say Thorin or Bard might like something like this for decrees, but as a fellow scribe do you see a future with this?"

Gaping at your smarts and flushing at the faint flutter of your eyelashes, Ori nods. "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen, and I fought a dragon." "You...fought a dragon?" It is your turn to gape as you peer at the dwarf with new interest. "Threatened to show him dwarvish iron where the sun don't shine," he replied with a proud smile, arms crossed, "but you know, in the end Mr. Bard got 'im. We all showed him what for, though! This tops that by a long shot, though- how'd you think of this?" Kettle on first, hours of discussion later. Soon it was near nightfall and Ori was apologizing profusely and you were waving it off, asking him for promise of a return with the sketches he mentioned.

A whole new page of sketches gets dedicated to figures with bobs of lovely curls, gorgeous curves that have Ori blushing, smiles upon a round, cheery face and spectacles never fully betraying the eyes' secrets. Whole hours of Ori’s day get dedicated to carving blocks for your press and trying them out with you and feeling his heart flip at the way you take his hands and leap in celebration. He can listen to you talk, whether it’s explaining your invention process or the instructions of the game you’re teaching him or even simply sharing some random animal facts from the latest book you picked up, all day, he thinks. And then one day as he’s leaving you press a kiss to his cheek and that’s it.

Flowers and a new book are thrust into your hand the moment you open the door, Ori standing before you telling you how much he likes you and can’t stop thinking about you and you positively must interrupt him to tell him he’s been like home to you or else he’ll keep going, the poor dear. He wants to take you out that day, walk you around proudly and savor the feeling of your hand in his as he shows you off.

Taglist: @lokilover476 @fuckyoumakeart @kilibaggins @mossthebogwitch @ibabblealot @joonies-word @stormchaser819 @pirate-lord-of-narnia | Reply/Ask/Message to join!

#the hobbit #the hobbit imagines #the hobbit x reader #the hobbit matchups #ori #ori x reader #ori x female reader #female reader #ask #anon #requested #matchup monday

[earththings]

I'm an artist and graphic designer, so I completely get people's outrage and frustration (especially on Tumblr, where outrage is already amplified and cranked up to 11), but at the same time, they're letting the outrage blind them to reality. AI is here. It's not going away. People can do their absolute best to foil it and discourage its use -- and that's completely fair -- but, to a certain degree, all you're doing is effectively training the AI to be better at working around those measures. Developers are not going to be like, "*sigh*, well, guys, they're just throwing too many roadblocks as us, let's pack it in." It's here. At a certain point people need to suck it up or get off Tumblr and look into supporting legislation that better controls it. But ultimately, I think there's a level of futility to all of it. If you can't stop it, learn how to use it to your advantage. My company has signed up for OpenAI so that we can do just that. I use it to generate stock images that don't exist, and that I don't have time to manually create on my own. I use it to create reference photos or images (that don't already exist) for myself that are hard for me to mentally conceptualize, so that I can create my own art. People LOVE to be angry. It's been more than 10 years since it's become an online hobby for most people. The whole point of your Tumblr, and the reason that I enjoy it so much, is because it is a complete departure from that constant, seething outrage that does no one any good, and has no positive returns. I've already voted in the poll, but -- do what you love. Block the haters. It's the best you can do to maintain this nice, sweet, cozy corner you've created for yourself and those who enjoy it.

This was really well put. At the end of the day no matter if I continue to post ai content it will still exist. I’m not the mastermind behind ai, I can barely remember how to mod my sims game properly.

Also like you said artist themselves use ai to help with their art. Not every ai picture is taken from stole art. Sometimes it’s for like you said, stock photos, or just to properly visualize what you’d like to do.

While I also understand people’s frustration I never meant to offend anybody. You are right though. The whole point of me making this tumblr was because I was in a very bad stop mentally. I did want to eat, I had nightmares when I slept. I didn’t see any beauty in the world and I didn’t want to be apart of it anymore. This was very hard to deal with and I was withering away.

I thought to myself “maybe just make a blog, about the world and its beauty, about food and how it can be good, about sleep and how it can be healing. Maybe if I only look at beautiful things, things will start to feel beautiful again”

I didn’t create this blog to fight with tumblr about ai. I created it for me and people like me who need an escape from the harshness and cruelty of reality. The idea was always to post about earth and her beauty, no matter if it was human made or earth made, to remind me how much more there is to life and that not all humans harm and destroy, some give and create.

I really appreciate you giving your opinion on this matter. And I really appreciate you being here. I hope my blog continues to bring you joy and peace throughout any stressful or calm times in your life. 🫶🏻

#thank you for the asks #this was a long one #but a good one #stay hydrated 🫶🏻 #stay kind #stay safe #cozy aesthetic #naturecore #earthlings #earthcore #natural aesthetic #light aesthetic #fairy cottage #cottagecore aesthetic #springcore #ai art #March

[seariii]

14, 24, 26, 57 uwu

HIIIIII! THANK YOU FOR THE ASK, DID YOU KNOW ILY??? <333

14. Do you miss someone?

I was about to say "no", thinking it meant as if having lost someone.... But... I have some irl friends I barely ever see... I miss them a lot...

24. What is/are/were your best subjects?

This one is difficult.... In high school I got a technician degree on graphic design and took a bunch of related classes, probably in those.... Probably on... Artistic drawing and technical drawing... I think I did good in color theory but can't remember what class that was... I used to be good at math too, but don't ask me about it anymore... Oh and english!

26. What are you craving right now? (Answered, copy pasted <3)

Cuddles and chocolate smoothie with tapioca pearls

57. Do you believe in true love?

Yup!! Looking at other's thoughts on this subject always make me feel like I'm probably naive hahaha but... I believe true love exist and I believe it is for everyone. Maybe it's not the same for everyone tho, for example, my bestie es aromantic, but he finds his true love in platonic and familial love. He loves and adores his friends and family. Maybe this isn't the concept people were hoping for, but to me love is such a huge thing that creeps it's way into our lives, might or might not present itself how we would expect it to.

But focusing only on romantic love? Yeah I also believe it exists. From what I've seen it's probably difficult to find, isn't it? But I'm sure it exist and it's a beautiful feeling... Of course it's not gonna be perfect tho, it's two (or more, depending on the people) little humans who are flawed, who have to deal with their problems and mistakes. There might be turbulences, but with communication, boundaries, trust and love, things can stay healthy and get better get better

#i miiiiight be a bit of a hopless romantic hehehehe #seari answers #ask game

[acefms]

if you’re hearing LOSER by BECK playing, you have to know ACE MILLER (HE/HIM; CIS MALE) is near by! the 31 year old ANIMATOR has been in denver for, like, FIVE YEARS. they’re known to be quite AVOIDANT , but being AMIABLE seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble DREW STARKEY. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those LATE NIGHT DRIVES TO NOWHERE, SMUDGED INK AND PAINT SPLATTERS, WEARING SUNGLASSES INSIDE TO HIDE A HANGOVER, NEVER WALKING PAST A DOG WITHOUT SAYING HI vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around the DOWNTOWN DISTRICT long enough!

NAME: ace miller AGE: thirty-one and oh so dumb ... HOMETOWN: philadelphia, pennsylvania BIRTHDAY: october 19th ZODIAC: libra GENDER: male PRONOUNS: he/him SEXUALITY: bi bi bi ( slight male lean ) RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single OCCUPATION: animator for tv shows/comics/movies — is currently working on his own comic (name tbd)

[ tw: gambling, addiction, abandonment, depression. ]

• Ace grew up in south Philadelphia with his mother and father until the age of seven, when after years of a toxic relationship his father left and never came back. Ace struggled with the abandonment throughout his life, but was lucky enough to have his grandfather who was more of a parent to him than anyone else could ever be. Through his grandfather he discovered his love and talent for art, and began to use it as his form of escapism. It was his saving grace during his turbulent teenage years. He would definitely derailed had it not been for art and the worlds he made in the comfort of his room.

• His mother was loving in her own way during his childhood, but was always driven by materialistic possessions that she couldn’t afford. Her job as bartender just wouldn’t cut it, and she began to gamble. But after a few wins, she found herself hooked on the feeling and soon developed an addiction that grew out of control. Ace had to take on two jobs before he was finished with high school just to help pay off her debts which left him drained to the point that he struggled to keep up. He sank into deep depression and found it hard to get out.

• Despite this, she continued to try and live lavishly behind his back while he was on the verge of a mental breakdown due to how many things he had to juggle at once. By the time he graduated high school, he’d grown to resent her completely and she continued to put her addiction, and boyfriends, above him. They have no relationship at this present time and he has no current desire to ever see her again.

• Leaving for college ( which his grandfather had paid for ), he gained a dual-degree in graphic design and animation and built his way up in the business, taking a good few hits before finally landing his dream job working in film and tv, online content as well as comics. He genuinely loves his job and it’s probably the one aspect of his life he’s completely happy with. He is very creative and has several little worlds inside his head.

• He travelled for years, moving at least every six months before finally settling in Denver in attempt to build some kind of solid life, but so far the only part he’s got right is raising a a crazy pup named charlie and gaining a lifelong best friend in the form of his roommate theodore.

HEADCANNONS

• he never sleeps before 2am and never wakes before 10am. he will literally be acting like it’s the middle of the day in the middle of the night.

• he’s a terrible cook. he can heat things up and make basic stuff, but overall he’s kinda hopeless. someone help him.

• he drinks way too much coffee, and too often occasionally too much whiskey and beer. randomly likes to get high a few times a month if he needs a little help falling asleep. will be seen with sunglasses on constantly to hide who zombie-like/hungover he is.

• before he realized his mothers addiction he would often take trips with her as a young boy to vegas or places alike ( most of, but not all, his time was spent waiting for her in hotel rooms ) so he’s actually really decent at playing poker because she taught him how to play. but ace hates to gamble.

• during his time travelling he’s spent a lot of time sleeping in his car ( when he wasn’t abroad ) and he actually really enjoys the outdoors. likes to hike with his pup. also is likely to end up with a million dogs.

• he has a small ace of spades tattoo on the inside of his middle finger on his left hand -- he got it as a dare when he was drunk at seventeen. he hates it, but he’ll never get rid of it. he also has a fingers crossed tattoo on his right forearm, and a melting smiley face on his right index finger. more tbh he has at least ten. random tattoo supremacy. i'll add more when i can think.

• aside from his cartoons, he also loves to paint, sketch, play around with pottery and just get as creative as possible with anything artistic whatsoever. it's his safe space, his own form of therapy in a way. though he doesn’t let many people see the results as somehow they feel a lot more personal than his cartoon/animation work.

POSSIBLE / WANTED CONNECTIONS

roommate/ best friend -- taken by theodore cohen.

past flings/hook-ups -- ashamed to say there's been many. ace struggles with emotional vulnerability and absolutely runs from things.

childhood friends -- god forbid anyone knew him when he was openly sad, haha. jokes to disguise emotional damage for the win.

people who don't like him -- he's annoying, it's so likely.

party pals -- you're his favourite people.

a cousin ? aunt, uncle -- there will probably be some tension as his family is a mess, but this could be fun to play out.

idk he's an idiot give me everything.

#chq;intro #love him please he needs it.

[thesituationroom]

top 5 (best or worst) RTA profs .

i’ll actually rank all of the ones i’ve had that i remember anything about because there’s not that many:

1. Kevin. what more can I say he’s so real

2. honestly finlay even though i never fucking know what he’s talking about because he’s so deep into that phd

3. jessica taught ummm. that graphic design course and lowkey i loved her because she like immediately announced that she was autistic and then called my graphic design project “sexy” which i thought showed real love for the craft

4. i’m putting max here i know they’re tech stuff BUT SO IS KEVIN. so i’m counting them

5. safiya just because she’s nice but she desperately needs to get over the marvel thing . it’s bad. and why does she seem like she got her degree in 2014 tumblr ethics

6. karen JUST BECAUSE i don’t take multicam so i only had her for business and she gave me 100% and loved my book review

7. tatyana. whatever. wtf does she even teach ??

8. lori beckstead i guess she’s fine but i embarassed myself soooo badly in front of her one time and she was NOT nice about it so i can never see her again even though she’s one of like 3 audio profs

9. warwick . come back to us New Jersey man

10. gary gould. absolutely not enough said

[willowingflames]

「 GET TO KNOW YOUR RP PARTNER! 」 ( repost, please don’t reblog )

「BASICS」

▐ NAME: flynn or syll ▐ PRONOUNS: he/they ▐ SEXUALITY: bisexual babey ▐ TAKEN OR SINGLE: taken :) ▐ FIVE FACTS:

i have random marine biology facts, i had wanted to be a marine biologist when i was younger but that kinda fell through. now i have a degree in graphic design and currently a student for a medical assistant certificate

your average and normal granblue fantasy player, been playing since 2016

i too am a collector of figures, i have several of fate (all saber faces), scale suzaku figure, and many nendos (i think they are very cute)

i can speak german! havent practiced in forever tho so im a little rusty, tho my japanese on the other hand............more practice is needed

i own many artbooks! from gbf to persona to misc anime artbooks/guides, i think they are very fun to collect and i enjoy seeing an artists process (esp gbf's extra works artbooks)

「EXPERIENCE」

▐ HOW LONG (YEARS/MONTHS): Long Time ▐ PLATFORMS USED: gaiaonline (LORD), skype, discord, and tumblr! ▐ BEST EXPERIENCE: literally isola, i tried indie for a bit but struggled a bit because im pretty shy and thats about it. anything done over discord or skype had only been with my boyfriend so LOL

「MUSE PREFERENCES」

▐ MALE/FEMALE/OTHER: man idk im like a mixed bag, i rp both male and female ▐ FAVORITE FACECLAIM: im using isagi from blue lock now, but i also use kadoc from fgo and black from kekkai sensen ▐ FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT: angst my beloved :) ▐ PLOTS OR MEMES: i like both! i love yapping in memes and yapping with friends in dms about plotting reasons ▐ LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: it kinda depends how im doing in the moment, there are times where i write so much that i feel like i have to remove stuff and sometimes i just have short responses bc my brain cannot think any further ▐ BEST TIME TO WRITE: really just depends on me ▐ ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES: if i was anything like my muses im sure someone would have made a google doc about me /j. the closest in personality that im close to is leonardo watch

#ooc. #munday.

[taylor-swiftfacts]

Taylor Swift Facts turns 10!

(Photo: the oldest header I could find on the Wayback machine, from early 2013)

My fellow Swifties,

Today is the 10-year anniversary of the date I posted the very first SwiftFact. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been by my side for this amazing journey. This blog has never been just a blog for me - it's been a source of connection, of fun, of support, of appreciation for Taylor and her music.

I began TSF when I was 13, using my home computer. My family had gone through some financial difficulties and, at the time, I didn't even have internet access. I would bring my little USB to the library, save my facts on a Word document, and save the corresponding pictures. I'd go home and make my little posts. I really had no concept of graphic design at the time, so my older posts are honestly quite ugly, but hey. I just wanted to share the information!

I think this blog actually helped me figure out I wanted to be a journalist. I often tell people that I got my degree in journalism because I love learning about things and sharing them with others. That's what I've done here for a decade! Getting the right quotes, deciding which information is most important, even using the inverted pyramid of journalism. I honed a lot of those skills here.

Not to mention, the community that has been here for me. I won't belabor you with my life story, but I used to be quite open about my family struggles on here, and the outpouring of support was always so touching. Some of you even donated money when my family was in need, which is so beautiful and something we all still talk about from time to time. And when my mom passed away, I wasn't posting as frequently, but you all showed me so much love and support anyways. Even though I wasn't giving you much, you gave me everything.

I exchanged Christmas cards for a couple years with tons of you, which made me feel infinitely less lonely. I stopped due to some mental health struggles, but I still have all of your cards, and I see that as a highlight of not only this blog, but of my life. There has been so much real human connection fostered with this little fan blog I created on a whim. I am so grateful.

The craziest thing that has come out of this blog - barring Taylor's follow and even a couple of likes - is the fact that VividSeats gave me tickets to the 1989 tour in 2015. That is one of the top 10 experiences of my life, and I believe it always will be. I can't even express how much that means to me. And maybe I still put the review I wrote for their site on my resume. ;)

All of this is to say, this blog has been an integral part of my growing and changing. Some of my past personal posts on here make me cringe. Some of the facts I would not publish today as the fandom culture has shifted significantly. I learned and grew with this blog. Despite some of the controversy - I feel some people have never liked my blog - the love has kept me going. I am so grateful for every ounce of support anyone here has ever given me.

I apologize for posting sporadically the last few years. Life happens, and I have significantly different priorities than I did in 2012 - I assume we all do - but the reason I've kept posting at all is because I enjoy it. You make it enjoyable. That being said, I'll try my best to get some posts out just in celebration of Midnights and the whirlwind of Taylor content we've gotten the last few years. Even though social media moves so quickly these days, and the format of my blog isn't quite conducive to that anymore, I hope we can all enjoy it. Like the good old days. :)

Even writing all of this, I feel like I can't even begin to express how special this journey has been. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone who has ever supported me in any way.

Grace

#other #10 years

[noraqrosa]

about ODIO-HIME / Nora Q. Rosa

hello

we are 𝙾𝚍𝚒𝚘-𝚑𝚒𝚖𝚎

a digital girl in a material world, manifesting via hacking into the mortal body of a girl who's too plugged into the internet

we're trans poly plural system who makes psychedelic electronic music of various stripes, from hyperpop and sick club beetz to experimental abstractions and ambient ambiences to chill li'l bitty bits and hip-hop beats

psychedelics fuel me, empowering me to make the mesmerizing hypnotic/actually insane pieces of muics i love to make; i have gone to great lengths to push the boundaries of art, music, and my own psyche

MUSIC WE'VE PRODUCED:

odiohime.bandcamp.com (and every other digital music service)

My latest album (as of this writing): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1vX_MRHV4s https://odiohime.bandcamp.com/album/the-butterfly-house

My latest single (available everywhere else July 8th, 2023): https://odiohime.bandcamp.com/album/d-e-c-o-m-p-o-s-e-m-e

izuku.bandcamp.com (my joyfriend + an artist for whom i produce; you can find them at @izukuleeyoung)

Their latest singles: https://izuku.bandcamp.com/track/expand-ur-mnd (available everywhere else July 5th) https://izuku.bandcamp.com/track/bing-bong (available everywhere else July 20th)

PROJECTS IN WHICH I AM INVOLVED

we're an audio producer in general + have done a bunch of things:

produced the entirety of the Trans & Caffeinated Podcast with trans activist Arielle Rebekah https://transandcaffeinated.com/podcast/ https://www.facebook.com/transandcaffeinated/ https://twitter.com/ariellergordon

created the ending music for Regular Pat, a YouTube creator who makes mostly Kingdom Hearts video essays, as well as some little pieces of music he sometimes uses & a jokey remix: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKY3Dj_Ef9o https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GACuGHjdFM

currently working on composing music and planning out sound design on a few things in preproduction, including a couple video games, a couple animated projects (including an experimental feature length film and a cartoon pilot), a documentary, and other things (including a couple scripted serialized audio dramas i'm planning out myself)

COMISSION INFO:

FOR MUSIC: $50/hr of completed music for professional use. sliding scale of $25-30 for personal use (we can discuss this)

FOR AUDIO EDITING (e.g. podcasts, sound design): $25 per hour of work

FOR VIDEO EDITING: $30 per hour of work

For long term/big projects, we can discuss rates.

If you're making money/planning to make money using material I've created for you, we will discuss residuals privately.

OUR SYSTEM: (overall she/they, but individual preferences listed)

Maria (text marker: ">" before text) - she/her; we THINK she's the OG one here, shy gal, relatively chill, pretty depressed & down on herself a lot

Nora (no text marker): she/her; hello i am our PR person, our front-facing performer who takes on the world with a sly grin, a loud presence, and biting clownery

Riley ("☆") - fae/faer/fem; she baby, adorable li'l ball of sunshine who revels in silliness

Lola ("<3") - she/her; sultry and the kind to call you "dear" and "my darling" and etc; you know the song "Whatever Lola Wants"? yeah that essentially, she a tease to a degree

Serafina (none yet) - she/it; she's kinda depraved and horno all the time when fronting

[THE VOID] - it/its; full dissociation mode, entirely in own head, rote responses at best

"Little Miss Rage" / "The Owl Beast" (none yet) - she/they/it; essentially us in full rage mode, impulsive, hostile, screams at people, we try to keep her buried and need to teach her to direct her anger in more healthy, less dangerous ways

MY FRIENDOS:

these are people i find cool and are my friends and with whom pretty regularly collab together

@izukuleeyoung (also my joyfriend) we collab a lot on music (i produce most their tracks & beats, which they release under the name izuku) and they do a lot of art for me + most of my graphic design

@kirlian-light (also my girlfriend) they've done a large portion of my art, and we have a lot of collaborations planned; they make a fantastic coo

@poppetsisters - cool artful set of gals who's done artwork for me (namely for my single "wondersong") + with whom i have multiple audiovisual collaborations planned

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

anyway i'm too tired to write more so here are my links now please go buy my muics and increase my stats so i can become a hit producer on the level of SOPHIE and finally have the financial freedom to live how i want and to help others as much as i can

personal/business website forthcoming

https://ko-fi.com/NoraQRosa

https://subscribestar.com/odio-hime

odiohime.bandcamp.com

https://twitter.com/NoraQRosa

https://www.youtube.com/@NoraQRosa

https://facebook.com/Odiohime

https://facebook.com/NoraQRosa

https://soundcloud.com/noraqrosa

etc

also 🔥💖anarchy💖🔥

baiiiiiiii 4 nao

==============================================

#odio-hime #nora q rosa #hyperpop #electronic music #experimental electronic music #psychedelia #psychedelic music #psychedelic electronic music #music #abstract music #music producer

[jyunshiim]

Broken compass *✬★*☽ ⤷𝘉𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘟 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘶

Genre → angst | romance | friends to lovers | lovers to strangers | college!au | uni!au

Contains → implies slight nsfw content

Listen to → Broken compass

Word count → 12.9k

TW → No major TW

Summary:

It’s just the way it is. Fate brought upon such intermittent human emotions, fracturing a person and their bond.. Though it was inevitable. However thoughts dwell on a person over time and slowly sink in, making one question…’If only…’

The warmish rays of the autumn sun beamed gracefully through the towering windows in your spacious cafeteria as you and your friends conversed about your summer and reminisced about the fun you all had. A cushioned booth that seated at least 6 of you was perfect for you and your friends as you leaned back into the booth, knees pressing against the round, creamish table in front of you. Han, Hyunjin and Yeji had been your friends since the age of 16; they’ve seen you at your highs and lows, your best and worst and yet they stayed with you and treated you like someone incredibly special to them. They were the best friends you asked for and they had, without fail, made sure everyone was treated equally with lots of love and adoration. It was staggering to you how you all grew up together and attended the same university too, though it was comforting - despite knowing you wouldn't see them all the time as you would in school - but that was okay. They all took a course suited them best spotlighting their talents; Han took literature with a combined English degree, Hyunjin took fine art with a year abroad and Yeji took graphic design. However, they all pursued something they wanted a career in, something they enjoyed…except for you. You were denied entry for criminology since your grades and entry points did not add up to the requirements so it was Communication that you had to choose because your points aligned with the requirements. The disappointment was spiteful but it was out of your control to change it now.

The ice in your plastic cup brushed up against each other, rattling, as you swirled the watery coffee as you and your dear friends talked about summer and all the things they got up to; Hyunjin opened an Etsy shop, Yeji managed to complete a course during summer to increase her skills to get a job and Han had been relentlessly writing in his charcoal grey notebook with his chewed pen slipped into the spine. The 4 of you spoke together as the ice in your cup melted further before Hyunjin had to leave for his class. “oh yeah you reminded me that I had a class too!” you pounce up grabbing your bag and cup before waddling past Yeji to get out of the booth.

“I finish my classes at 6pm today,” Yeji frowned as she opened her arms to give you a hug.

“oh my god no! that’s so long, you can do it though and if you want us to wait we can,” you offer as she waves her hands gesturing not to.

“We’ll message you later, good luck on your classes!” Han bounces his leg as he waves you and Hyunjin goodbye.

You take a sip of your coffee as you open the large, tan doors to your lecture room before the professor arrives. You take a seat; The theatre was ample with elevated ceilings. It was bigger than you expected but you played it safe and sat close to the front of the room,5 rows up, 3 seats down so it was easier for you to dash out. The faint, bitter, diluted taste of coffee was repulsive since the water weakened the caffeine that you needed for that energy boost for a 9am class. It was completely diluted now and there is no use in drinking it. What a shame you couldn’t finish it before the class. Other people begin to fill up the room although your row remains empty. It was relieving. You gently place your phone on the table and scroll through your social media to kill some time before your professor comes in.

You felt a tap on the table before your head shot up in dismay, your skin going slightly pale since you didn't know a single soul in the class - yet.

He clears his throat. “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here ?” pointing at the seat next to you.

“Oh, yeah-” you realised what you said “OH NO I mean no, sorry,” your ears flared up red but from the corner of your eye the person sat down and put his headphones around his neck. Your eyes scan across the row and there was no one but you and him. Regardless, you embarrassed yourself to the first person who actually spoke to you.

“You seemed a little bit lonely, I hope you don’t mind” He smiled. He seemed incredibly sweet so you let it pass. You unconsciously picked up on certain features like the dimple on the left side of his cheek, his walnut locks perched at his eyebrows and his lips were full and were a pinkish hue like a strawberry bonbon.

“I’m Chan by the way, it’s rude of me not introducing myself and then invading your personal space” he lets out an endearing giggle. Your ears began to burn up again with embarrassment. Did you really give such an aura? your semi dry throat croaks slightly before you clear it again.

“Ah no no, you didn’t.Thank you for the company Chan!” you nervously chuckled as your thumb picks at your cuticle.

The energy you created was tense and you felt nervous but he seemed to be very gentle and calm with you and your nerves. He seemed… really nice.

“and you are?” he attempts to persevere with the conversation. You felt a wave of awkwardness and cringe dissipate through your body before you turned your head to him to respond.

“oh yeah of course i’m [YN]” you nod as you give a polite smile.

“It's very nice to meet you, I hope we can become friends over the course,” his gentle tone sounded sincere and honest, it was comforting and refreshing.

You felt deflated after 2 hours of your first ever class and wanted to head off to the rooftop cafe that looked over the campus, so you latched onto your bag strap and briskly tried to head off alone without any more conversation. “Hey, what other classes are you in?” Chan asks. It was obvious he was starting a conversation with you because he wanted to know you better and of course you couldn’t be open with him just yet. Sharing schedules wouldn’t hurt though?

“Oh, well i’m in seminar class A i think that should be the only different thing on everyone's schedules?” You turn to him leaving a gap in between. He inches closer; “I'm a bit confused about how to know what my class is?” he shows his screen on his phone. You carefully examine his timetable and pinpoint the class he's in.

A deafening silence flooded your mind.

“Oh great! We can always go to class together, if you don’t mind,” he smiles again both his dimples appearing.You nodded your head before he walked around to leave but stopped to turn around; “I hope we can be friends!”

That would be nice.

–

A few months go by. You and Chan became closer since he was the only one in the class that cared about the subject and understood it at the same level as you. You studied together often whenever you had the time and met up outside of campus with him and your other friends. Chan and your friends got along extremely well and he treated each one of them as he would a close friend.

Hyunjin and Yeji organised a small gathering to get to know Chan better.

[Online]

You: I was wondering, why dont we go out sometime?

Chan: that sounds good to me

Yeji: woow this is the first time I heard you say that?! but of course!!

Hyunjin is typing

Hyunjin: Sounds good to me!

You: okie, we can go to the one near my house?

Han: sure thing, 7pm tonight, lets go.

You: that was so straight up but okay lmaoo

Everyone agrees in unison and so that evening you, Chan and your friends were hanging out again. The night felt like a blur to you. A lot happened at once but what you could remember was Chan asking you if you were okay every minute and making sure you didn’t feel too overwhelmed. He didn’t drink a lot, perhaps only two drinks but it seemed to you that he was a heavy weight. Only Chan, You and Yeji were sober, however Han and Hyunjin visited another universe that night…

“Why does my brother have to embarrass me like that!” Yeji whines as Hyunjin anchors her down. Chan helps Yeji put Hyunjin into her car.

“I did not expect him to-”

“be like this? yeah never put him and Han in one room.. a competition every time!” Yeji groans in disappointment. “put the other one in the back as well i’ll take him home too but he’s going to get a slap from me tomorrow!”

You and Chan slip out a laugh in unison before looking at each other, stupefied.

“Well, I’ll be off, Yeji, I’ll see you soon, good luck with those two…” you giggle before waving goodbye.

“Hey, don’t leave without me,” Chan runs after you, the side of his arm brushing against yours slightly.

“Oh, you live this way too?” you ask him slightly staggered that he was walking in the same direction.

“Oh, no I don’t but I am in no way letting you walk alone in the dark,” he shakes his head. You felt his body lean into yours before his hands placed themselves on your shoulders to move you away from the road. It didn't faze you in the moment but it truly did mean a lot.

“Where do you live then?” you ask him, tilting your head to the side.

“I live in a student apartment complex too but it’s not your one, it’s the one that’s opposite the convenience store,” you instantly knew where he was talking about. It was a 10 minute walk from your place so it wasn’t far at all.

The breeze was gentle, gliding through the leaves that rustled above your head as you walked contently next to Chan as he talked about his experiences in his flat - it was not sounding pleasant at all!

“Oh.. that does not sound fun at all I’m so sorry! Just know you can come over anytime just drop me a text and i’ll be down,” you nudge his shoulder playfully instantly becoming bashful.

He chuckles softly, it was the half giggle half chuckle that you found endearing. “thank you, I will keep a note of that. Feel free to ask me out whenever, my flatmates are awful so I wouldn't want to bring you around,” he shakes his head, tsking at the comment he made.

“a-ask out?” you thought to yourself, a sheer wave of panic inundating you. He didn't mean that way.

“Well Chan, if you need an escape I'm always here…” you smile, assuring him some sort of freedom from his flatmates.

What was that? That foreign feeling in your stomach?

“thank you so much, you’re the first person to actually offer that and care about how I feel, thank you,” he looks down smiling in appreciation before he lowers himself to the ground.

“wow, hey are you okay?” you stop your hand before it touches his brunette curls. You inspect to see what he was doing and you feel his fingers on your shoelace. Your body is set into panic.

“Hey! you don’t need to do that,” you squeal in embarrassment.

“hey, listen, it’s fine,” he swats your hand away. You were completely dumbfounded to say the least.

–

The crispness of the air was nostalgic to the days when you were younger, around 9 years old, when you and Yeji used to play in the park together despite your fingers freezing into icicles. You vividly remember when you, Yeji and Hyunjin used to play at the top of the play trail before a young boy climbed up to the top and was startled that there were people there and started crying - that was how you all met Han.November had emerged. The temperature plummeted drastically which was a shock to you yet you felt reminiscent of your youth. The blanket on your lap accumulated warmth as you fiddled with the corner because the soft material was satisfying to touch. You sat at your desk, gazing out of your window on a bleak evening as the sun wanes at the horizon setting to let the entrancing moon set itself directly outside your window, a mighty breeze  perforates the warmth of your bedroom through a crevice at your window since you forgot to close it fully. Your room had the perfect view of the moon, especially when it sat high and mighty beaming its pearly luminescence. Your eyes were almost magnetised to such a simple thing but it felt like home to you since the moon was the only thing that gave you comfort when you were alone.

You reached over to your phone to cure your boredom and decided to message Chan.

You: Hey, what are you doing?

Chan: Nothing right now, my flatmates are burning something in the kitchen and honestly being irritating.

You: Well, you’re free to come over if you want to. I’m only doing some of my assignment

Chan: Oh yeah! If you don’t mind I'll be on my way in like 15… thank you

You were caught by surprise at the instantaneous reply yet you felt gratified that he was keeping you company as well as letting him escape from his flatmates from hell.

20 long minutes go by and you get a text from Chan that he’s downstairs. You take the elevator down and scan your keycards to open the security doors to let him in. “Wow, your place is so much nicer…” he looked around mouth, slightly parted in awe.

You push the ashy grey door to your room revealing a heaven-like scene - to Chan. Everything was a simple white, from your bedding to your blinds to the accessories that decorate your walls. He scans the room; the white, flower fairy lights adorned the headboard of your bed along with the outskirts of the window frame, draping down the sides to create an heavenly atmosphere. Your room was comfortable to him and he instantly felt at home.

“It’s so peaceful here,” he lays on your bed as he turns his head to the window. “Wow, it must be so nice here, you really made this place so homely.” he smiles.

you giggle, “seems to me you’ve made yourself at home,” you say as you push his legs aside so you could sit down too. There was a brief silence as Chan turned his head to look at you with his sleepy eyes, your eyes felt as if they were bolted to him before you shook yourself back.

Chan inhales sharply. “Well I have my laptop too so we can actually be productive because trying to study in my flat is so shit,” he scoffs as he pulls his laptop out of his bag. You follow by standing up and moving to your desk, resting your knees against the desk for comfort.

He leans against the white wall whilst sitting cross legged on your bed. His eyes were fixated on his screen; he was focused and the quiet allowed him to focus. As you sit at your desk, you rummage through the last draw of your desk;

“Hey Chan, did you want a drink and some snacks, I have a few things here,” you grab a few different ones for him to choose.

Chan’s heart was warm and he felt like he met a friend just as genuine as himself, as selfless and caring as himself. It was surreal to him. Everything was starting off strong and you were grateful. Who would’ve thought that you and a mere friend would be studying together with the scintillating orb that gleaming into your bedroom. Everything just felt perfect.

–

The new year is thought to be filled with goals and ambitions that ought to be fulfilled by the end of the year. You thought it was stupid. To you, it meant more deadlines which were incredibly close together from your most difficult units. You and Chan sat at a library, he had an energy drink and you had your coffee next to your laptop, it was very clear that you both would talk all night instead of actually getting any work done. You prod Chan’s hand to attain his attention, his deep brown eyes looking up to focus on yours instead of the screen he had been staring at for the last 35 minutes;

“Chan,” you call his name in a hushed tone. He peeks above his screen and pushes one of his headphones back from his ear. “Yeah? Are you alright, do you need help with anything?” he asked, heedfully listening to what you had to say.

It had been a few months and you wondered why he spent 90% of his time with you. Was it because you were his only friend? It couldn’t be right? He’d always help you with your work and always give his notes to you and wait for you, it didn't matter where or what the weather was. You wondered for a while and thought you’d ask him the question whilst it was just you and him together so you gathered your courage to ask.

“you almost always hang out with me all the time and talk to me and share literally everything with me… why?” it almost sounded like you were putting yourself down and you had to admit a small percentage were the pure insecurities talking. Why did he even like you in the first place?

The question was striking to him. He blinked blankly at you and titled his head, scrunching his forehead as he thought about the question, his lips slightly pouted. “ No reason, I just think you’re nice to hang around, you’re a nice person,” he smiles again. That sickly sweet smile. That’s when you felt it again but this time it was different from the last. The breathlessness, the pains within your chest, the burning ears. It couldn’t be the feeling of embarrassment, it was much more than that.

“Oh right, I was just curious because you always talk to me and message me and wait for me and -” you pause for a moment to see his expression. It was a softish smile, his features so gentle; “slow down, don't worry, you’re just a really really nice person and I enjoy hanging out with you”

You nod at his response. It sounded so simple yet you felt like it had more meaning to it, like an iceberg. You remained silent after his response attempting to process what you were feeling.

“now let's get some work done, we are not good study buddies!” He prods the surface of your hand before your fingers close inwards instinctively.

Your cheeks burn a crimson along with the tips of your ears, panic settling in for no reason. “O-oh um i’ll be back, i’m just going to the bathroom,” you point, nervously breathy laugh escapes your lips before you push the chair back and speed walk to the nearest bathroom.

Your hand lingered over your chest, your forehead forming tiny specks of sweat that would race down your face. This was abnormal. Your heart felt like a rock anchoring you down but you had to compose yourself. you didn't want chan to feel like he was a problem because he really wasn't. He was nothing but sweet and selfless. You inhaled sharply and exhaled slowly and gathered your emotions and walked back out. You hoped Chan didn’t think you left upset or worse, abandoned him.

You walk back to the corner you were both sitting in, your legs feeling like jelly, and sit yourself down in front of him. His thick lips were pouty and a rosy hue, his hair was messy from ruffling it and his eyes were droopy as if he were to drift away whilst he looks down at his notes, hand on head, processing what he wrote but he seemed so gentle at this moment, like a sleepy puppy. Your fingers twitch to move his stray hairs away from his face before his eyes glance at you and you retrieve your fingers. “are you alright? you went away for a while?” He asks with a concerned tone.

“oh dont worry I just felt a bit sick,”

“sick! we should get you home!” he sits up alert.

“Wait, no! not sick… I think I'm just tired. It’s fine Chan don't worry,” you tut, clearing your throat as you sit up straight adjusting your posture.

“we’ll go in an hour from now,”

The remaining time there was awkward yet spending your time with him was enjoyable as if you didn't want that moment to end at all.

–

You were desk bound again because of your assignment deadlines that were close. You rest your elbow on your desk, leaning your head onto your hand as you fidget with a pen tapping it onto the desk. You contemplated the things that happened over the last few weeks for a while. The bedroom was silent, the ticking of the clock getting quieter as your clamorous thoughts engulfed you in that moment. You could hear your heart thumping out of your chest, the sudden feeling of pins and needles in your right leg from the lack of movement. You were overthinking again. The phone pings and the blue screen beams back at you alerting you of a new notification. Could it be the email from your professor or was it him?

Chris: Hey, you haven’t messaged me when you went home, is everything okay? Are you feeling better?

You breathed deeply, your fingers grasping the phone until the little line pops up and starts blinking.

blink

blink

blink

You carefully thought about your response. it shouldn't be too painstakingly cringe, or serious or blunt. Just the regular you. Although you were too aware of your behaviour for you to be somewhat normal.

You: Hey, i’m okay. i think i’m overworking a lot and my head started to hurt don’t worry about me

Chris: Oh okay, just don’t overwork yourself. I can hand you some of my notes if that helps and you can copy them?

Chris: And don't say no because I know you would :/

he read you like an open book, welp.

–

As time went by, your relationship with him was flourishing like a blossom tree on a spring day. Every moment was something new with your new friend and it was enjoyable to be with him. You went out with him, he came over to visit, you spent your breaks with him and he obviously helped you with note-taking. He made sure you were walking away from the road which caught you off guard, his hands gently settling on your shoulders and carefully moving you aside. He drapes his arm over your shoulders as you walk towards your accommodation;  It was only then, when you and Chan were walking back where you really felt something and you realised what it was this whole time, it was like a final awakening and you accepted what this feeling was. You really did like Chan. It wasn’t the typical ‘i like him’, it was a burning passion, a longing for someone so kind and selfless like him, someone who understood you through your highs and lows. Chan was everything you wanted in a person yet you forced yourself to believe it was an unrealistic standard and went along with it. Your heart thumped through your best. You could feel your ears redden from the nerves and coyness.

–

The door to your room slammed against the wooden door frame that had only recently been replaced. Chan crashed onto your bed, his face buried amongst your plushies and pillows, his black cap beside him letting his chestnut locks sit against your ivory pillows. The sun rays beamed in through the blinds that were open enough to let a few rays illuminate your small bedroom. It was getting dark soon. You set your bag on the tan wooden floor although before you could sit on your bed, you had to change. “Chan, I'm just going to change real quick, you can play whatever you want on my laptop,” you point at your laptop as you open the door to the bathroom. You needed some time to get yourself together. You and Chan are just friends. Chan leaned back into your bedding, he felt at ease when he was at your place.

It darkened outside, the resplendent sunset disappearing over the horizon allowing the scintillating stars to adorn the stygian night sky. After you put your things away and hung up your bag behind the door, you jumped into your bed crossing your legs and leaning back into all your plushies and pillows. Chan was closest to the wall, leaning his head against it in a torpid state.

“are you alright?” you prod his shoulder, his head whipping to face you. His resting face was extremely pouty and his eyes seemed droopy from being exhausted. Almost always, Chan seemed sleepy with you but little did you know he was comfortable enough to be in a vulnerable state around you.

“oh yeah, I’m okay don’t worry about it!” He tried to sound somewhat energetic.

You and Chan talked, ate some snacks, talked again and watched a show together before it got too late. Chan teased every now and then by taking something of yours and holding it back, annoying you slightly; “Come on Chan give me my phone back!” you whine

Chan laughs “it’s kinda cute when you’re annoyed,” he says returning your phone.

What did he say?

You and Chan peacefully sit together again, only millimetres apart from each other, the tension in the room rising by the second until Chan sighs deeply.

“oh wow it’s already 12:30!” he leaps out of your bed. “I have to go, I have a meeting with the director of our year tomorrow at 9am”

“oh! i’m so sorry for keeping you for so long, i’ll walk you out,” you hastily lurch out, finding your slippers and a zip up hoodie to keep you covered and warm.

Chan’s smile was only on one side of his face, one of those smiles that you give (or get) when you are appreciative. “Thank you,” his voice was hushed but to you it sounded relaxing. You didn’t want him to leave.

You wave to him as he walks down the tenebrous street alone with his hood up.He exhaled in relief. He felt nervous, bothersome even, causing him to want to tear his hair out. Of course, these were destructive thoughts however they were one of many. He aggressively slapped his cheeks as he tried to shake himself back to what he thought was reality.

You tap away at your phone to message Chan despite him only just leaving. You couldn’t get enough.

YOU: let me know when you get some, it’s really late and dark

CHAN: I will <3

You stare at your phone with your mouth slightly parted. Do guys send hearts like this to anyone? It was too late at night to even ponder about it so you buried your face into your heap of pillows and plushie although something was different. Chan’s scent lingered. A mixture of sandalwood with hints of rose, you didn’t want to get up and stayed laid down on your bed, your cheek pressed against the pillow Chan was laying on as you held your phone on the lowest brightness waiting for him to reply.

Your eyes begin to droop, becoming heavy like rocks were tied to your eyelids before everything went dark. Your phone remained in your hands.

–

Sun rays greeted you as they slipped through the tiny gaps in the blinds gradually awakening you. A small groan passes your lips as you hear the birds chirping to one another, singing their morning song. Your hands pat your mattress in search of your phone; 7:56AM. You could’ve sworn you were waiting for a text from Chan! You shoot up awake, panic stricken, and jumped up from your bed frantically to unlock your phone. There was no message from Chan and you began to get worried, why did you fall asleep without checking if he got home safe! What if he got ambushed or hurt? Thoughts flooded your head until it began to overflow. Your fingertips pushed the hair out of your face despite stubborn strands falling back as you paced the room.

You pause as you see the ‘typing…’ pop up on your chat with him and relief hits you instantly. You

CHAN: Hey, sorry for not messaging you. I got home within an hour of leaving yours and fell asleep really quickly. I can imagine how worried you must be. let's meet on campus? sorry …

He finally responded at 8:10AM. Your anxiety evaporated and you brushed it off for now and calmed yourself down.

However Chan didn't get home within the hour of departing from your home. He took a detour to a small convenience store to buy a simple iced tea and took a stroll down a bridge. He thought to himself, a lot. There are many things a person could think about when it comes to understanding a relationship, whether that may be platonic or romantic. It was a topic that was sensitive to him due to whatever happened in his dismal past thus choosing to ignore it and start afresh. He knew he was insecure and worried of losing your trust or that he might do something to upset you resulting in you not liking him. He felt on edge most of the time though he tried to push it to the side because he knew you were nothing but caring to him although he was worried that he wasn’t up to your expectations. It was a constant battle with himself and he didn't know how to deal with it. He walked the rest of his way home, exhausting himself as you rested peacefully. That's all that mattered to him. Chan is a person that thinks about his actions and the consequences to an extent that is damaging. He is incredibly fearful of doing things wrong or hurting people which explains why he chooses to not have many people in his circle unlike yourself as you rely on your wonderful friends. He couldn't tell exactly what he felt and how to put it into place, so he thought and thought over and over again until it was painful to even think again.

Chan lay in his bed with his towel dried hair and sighed at the ceiling. “leave it until tomorrow,” he said to himself. He unlocked his phone to message you but before he could tap a few letters into the keyboard, he curled up in his bed drifting soundly to sleep.

–

During the first period class, as the lecturer presented the class, Chan nudged you to grasp your attention. Your head turned first and your eyes followed; he seemed a little different today his curls were messier and his cheeks were rosier. You didn't know if your feelings were just making you hallucinate.

“what?” you whispered in a hushed tone.

“ I got you this,” Chan hands you under the theatre room desk. It was your favourite drink from the store you always go to with him, it was surprising he even remembered.

Your demeanour changes. You were excited over such a small thing that he remembered that it made your heart skip a beat.

“What are you going to do now?” Chan asked as you both walked side by side to leave the room.

“I’m not too sure to be honest, is there anything you wanted to do?” you ask him.

Chan thought for a moment. “Have you started the assignment yet? could we start it together?” he did and said anything to spend more time with you.

“you’re eager aren’t you,” you giggle, your cheeks blushing a roseate hue. He couldn’t say how much he wanted to be in your company so these excuses will have to do.

It was always assignments that got you and Chan to be together otherwise there would be no excuse for you guys to hang out. You weren't the most straight forward person and nor was he so beating around the bush was something you both had turns out which began to get frustrating. You and Chan sat next to each other at a table as you assisted each other with the assignment. He had an endearing habit of chewing the top of his pen when he was focused planning and to him, it was endearing that you would do piano taps on the table to keep focused. He made sure he was close to you, shoulders touching, knees touching under the table and faces a couple inches apart. You had to contain yourself, so you started biting your lips due to your nerves. Thoughts raced through your head as you gazed at Chan focused staring back at his notebook. You turned back and felt his knee touch yours, causing you to move your knees together tightly so they didn't hit him again. His company was pleasant.

After an hour or so, you tapped the back of Chan’s hand -

“what’s up?” his face was close to yours and you felt like you could just kiss him right now but you couldn't let your impulsive thoughts take over. You gulp as your eyes trail from his lips back to his hazel brown eyes.

“should we perhaps go now? we’ve been here for a while” you gulp as you try to maintain eye contact with him though the nerves began to creep up slowly but steadily.

“If you want to, let's go,” he closes his notebook and laptop. “do you want to see the sunset with me today, only if you want to of course I understand if you have other things to do,” he scratches the back of his head and lets out a slight nervous chuckle.

Your heart was beating out of its chest that it felt painful but you didnt turn down his invitation. He made a bold move and this was clearly a date! you were relieved that he could ask you out for something other than writing an essay…

“ Of course, that sounds really nice! I’ll go home and get changed and I'll meet you,” you tell him sweetly.

“i’ll come to yours and we can go together,” he smiles as he rests a hand on the side of your arm. Chan actually meant ‘let's go on a date and watch the sunset, i’ll pick you up’ but he didn't try to coerce you into something you didn't want such as going on a ‘date’.

–

You got ready and changed into something a little warmer. You checked your phone and instantly saw Chan’s name on the screen meaning he was waiting for you downstairs. Your hair was tied up today, a long, tan coat draping down your body. You and Chan walk side by side talking about all the intricacies of the world. Just you and him under a setting sun and the potential sight of the moon. Chan took you to a secluded area away where there was a perfect view of the sunset. “this is where I come sometimes when I need a break from everything,” he says as he sits down on the sand, looking out to the sunset looking over the ocean. It was like a small cove looking area that was separated away from the main beach.

The sound of the ocean crashing onto the warm beige sands; the beach was imbued with such serenity within that moment in time. It was later during the evening so people had gone home and it was just you and Chan. The gentle breeze misplaced a strand of your hair sticking to your lips until you felt a finger brush against it attempting to move it away. Within that moment, your eyes locked with his and for a moment you felt the world stop. The waves stopped crashing against the shore and the wind stopped, although that’s what you thought. You could tell from the way he looked at you something in him changed.

“Too close?” his dimples deepen as he smiles at you shyly.

Your cheeks were now visibly red from being incredibly flustered. “o-oh no! no, don't worry” you clear your throat as he continues to smile, furrowing his brows as he gazes endearingly at you.

You and Chan spoke about a plethora of things from dreams and ambitions to your childhood unlocking deep aspects that you haven't told anyone. You felt like it was safe with him, he felt safe to be around. This felt more like a date than hanging out but ‘date’ was never uttered so you thought to keep that idea to yourself except, Chan thought the exact same thing.

–

As you and Chan walk side by side down the promenade, his fingers twitch as you admire the view to your right. He gulped hard before clearing his throat before his fingers slipped between your fingers attaining your attention as you turned your head around instantly. Your cheeks flood a pink, then a red and your eyes widen as if you saw a ghost, turning pale; his fingers tightened and grasped your hand. Your mouth was agape, eyes doe eyed facing Chan as he simply smiled with red ears. He was just as nervous.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he gulps.

You process it for a moment. He’s holding my hand. Chan is holding my hand. He likes me. He actually likes me back. you stop for a moment and you move your hand away from his, now facing him.

“I really like you, I hope it’s not something that would push us apart because I know we’re good friends too and I want us to stay as good friends bu-” You cut Chan off his nervous rambling by laying a soft kiss on his pouty lips. He paused for a moment before he pulled you in and returned the favour. A million fireworks and an army of butterflies set off whilst a heavy weight from your shoulders ascended. Chan moved back slightly, the winsome sparkle in his eyes clasping your heart as his flushed cheeks were a soft rosy pink, you couldn't help but examine his face again and again. Although, to Chan, you were just as entrancing as if you were an angel set free to roam earth. Every inch of you, to him, was like fine china; so dainty and delicate and he knew he wanted nothing but for you to be happy and safe. Anything he did was for you.

From that day, the rose tinted glasses veiled the naive eyes of two new lovers.

Although, it wasn’t official as one would say. Feelings were mutual although there was no step further into the relationship. It was confusing but you knew he liked you back but you waited for the right moment and the right time.

–

You were on campus using the library for some study time since you had some exams approaching. Chan had a meeting prior to meeting you to study as you alway do although this time he was a little later than usual:

You: hey where are you? It's been over an hour. Should I meet you elsewhere?

You: I feel stupid sitting here alone :/

typing..

typing..

Chris Bang: Hey, I'm so sorry. The meeting went over a bit today but if you want we can go and study somewhere else instead of the library.

Chris Bang: the librarian is a bit moody sometimes and doesn't like it when we talk

You: Where were you thinking?

Chris Bang: how about at a coffee shop together, you like coffee right?

You: but you don't! it’s unfair on you

Chris Bang: I’ll get something else dont worry <3

The stupid heart again. Your heart fluttered and melted within seconds of reading his selfless messages. You wondered to yourself if he was truly human because of his genuine kindness and selflessness. You closed your notebook and laptop and slid them into your grey, leather tote that you decorated with keychains that he gifted to you for no reason. One was a pearly keychain with a white, clear puppy charm attached to one side; you saw it when you visited a store together and he instantly bought it for you. However, you were the same when it came to love languages. You bought him a necklace with a tiny bear charm in the centre because he knew how much you loved them so it felt like having you with him all the time. The sentimental gifts were one way to keep a part of him with you and vice versa. You got up from the booth you were sitting at and realised you dropped something. You crouched to grab it from under the table before knocking your head from underneath. You bit your lip to stop any noise leaving your mouth but the back of your head thumped from the collison.

“hey hey, are you alright?” you hear a concerned voice from behind and as your teary eyes meet Chan’s worried face, you feel at ease.

you nod, despite the back of your head hurting slightly. “Let's go before you get hurt again,” he whispered as his hand hovered, waiting for you to grab it. As you stood up, he gently ruffled your hair to tease you a little bit before you winced at him, swatting his hand away. He found it endearing but he knew you didn’t like it all the time so he kept it to a minimum.

Everything felt too good to be true.

–

The weather began to get colder considering it was around mid November now. You could barely  comprehend that summer went by so fast and it pained you to reminisce about it because of how amazing Chan made it for you - not that it usually isn’t but you get the idea. The icy air brushed the tip of your rosy red nose as your hands shovelled deeper into your coat pocket attempting to accumulate some warmth. You glanced to your right to see Chan with his hood over his head, his side profile peering from it. Your sharp inhale caught his attention as he turned his head to you slightly; “you alright?” he asks as he offers his gloves to you from his pocket without a second thought, it’s like he prepared himself.

you nod, “yeah, it’s just really cold and i’m so smart, I didn't bring a scarf with me,” you scoff at yourself.

“hm, maybe you should organise yourself a little more, good thing i’m pretty organised” his honey-like voice distracts you from the fact he removed his scarf from his neck and wrapped it around yours.

“ Wait, stand still for me,” he asks as he carefully secures it, the gentleness causing a tornado to whirl in your stomach. You were bewitched by Chan and his ascendant nature since he wasn’t worried about taking bold steps. You felt comfortable enough around him although your fervid feelings made you feel agitated at times.

You felt agitated because you knew you weren't just friends but you werent dating either so it was confusing. The anxiety consumed you from the inside out even though you knew what he saw you as.

–

The reason Chan kept it this way was simply because he was afraid of commitment and afraid that he would end up alone again. It was his fate to be left isolated from the world and he couldn't help but challenge it. He wanted to make sure that things would go smoothly and that his intrusive thoughts didn't get to him although it was a constant battle against him and himself, attempting to fight for something he really wanted.

–

His scent lingers on his scarf; A light lemon scent combined with a hint of apple, but the slightly sour green kind, with a sprinkle of spice and slight mintiness. During your daze, you and Chan end up at a coffee shop where he leads the way to a sequestered spot near the back of the cafe. “This is my favourite seat,” he says as he places his bag down along with his jacket. Your bag rests against the wooden panelled wall, painted a light beige tone as Chan turns to go to the counter.

“wait, wait for me!” you leave your things and your jacket at the booth.

“hey, it’s fine, I can get the things you si-”  

“nono, let me come with you,” you insisted.

Chan’s heart set free butterflies swarming his stomach when you insisted on joining him. It always happened whenever you would stand by him, brush fingertips on accident, the gentle nudge whenever you look over to his notes or whenever he’s showing you something, whenever he accidentally bumps into you when you suddenly stop walking - a habit of yours you never knew you had. It was the small things that made his heart ache, his stomach flutter and his cheeks burn up by his nerves. You had an impact on him and yet you were left unaware of it.

You and Chan stood side by side waiting to order at the counter. You scan the comprehensive menu that had a million different combinations - maybe a million was an exaggeration. You couldn’t decide between a coffee or a cold pressed juice or perhaps a smoothie? The choices you had were almost impossible to choose from until you turned to Chan to ask for his opinion.

“hey Chan,” you tug at his sleeve, his cheeks blazing red.

“u-uh yeah,” he turns to you, gulping hard.

“Firstly, are you okay, you look really hot?” The choice of words were interesting but you went with it.

“oh yeah, i’m fine! i think the heating in here is on full,” he chuckles nervously.

“ohh yeah, I suppose it is. I was meant to ask, what are you getting?” you point at the menu.

Chan takes a moment to decide. “What do you want?” he asks

“I don't know, that’s why I'm asking you?” You prod his arm.

“oh well choose 2 things,” he says calmly.

“umm I liked the hazelnut latte and the green apple and berry smoothie,” you carefully read the menu.

“Then we’ll get those!” he decides before going to the counter to order without telling you what he wanted. He ordered both the things you wanted and you were left speechless, why was he like this.

During that evening, you both worked on things you had to do for your assignments while sipping on your drinks. “Can I try the smoothie?” you ask Chan. He nods and pushes the tall glass to you. You share the same straw as him, sipping the smoothie; “mm I made a good choice this is really good!” you return the glass with a ring of your lip gloss around the straw. Chan didn’t care. His lips place itself on the straw from where you drank, the rush of nerves and butterflies swarming through his body. To him, you were angelic; the way you spoke to him in a soft tone, whenever you found something funny and gently pushed him or hit his arm he found it extremely endearing. Whenever your head was absorbed into your textbooks or study or the habit you had of having your forehead creased as if you were angry was endearing to him and the way you’d chew the inside of your cheek and had to remind you to stop. All the small things made his heart flutter

–

You and Chan left the café at closing time after spending 90% of the time talking about something unrelated to the topic you were writing about, laughing with him and exchanging looks full of adoration. You never felt happier. You walked together, endlessly talking about a myriad of random things that seemed to be engaging for both you and Chan. It was the small acts of service that would send you into a daze like pulling you in front of him when careless people run by or when your earring got stuck onto his bracelet when he tried to take a leaf out of your hair but was gentle with you. It was the small things you loved so much, your heart physically couldn't take it.

–

As hours passed, the clouds began to appear, heavy, ready to set the torrential rain charging down to  brawl with the concrete and leaves.

“It’s about to give us a rainstorm…” Chan sighs as he looks up before the heavy raindrops descend from the sky. You squeal at the cold drops of water gradually drenching you before you reach out to grab Chan’s hand. Who knew it would rain the day you forgot to bring your umbrella…

“I think we should go home,” you say as you hold his hand to guide him back to your place in the torrential rain. It was rather sweet how during the whole route home, Chan held his jacket over you to try and keep you as dry as possible although it was no use. The rain pounded the ground in rage as the wind roared fiercely; it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

–

The doors to your flat open up and the warmth collides with you like two elements combining; like fire and water. Luckily your accommodation complex was always warm during the winter time. Your hair was dripping in water as well as Chan’s hair too; “oh no, everything is drenched!” You gasp at his hoodie that felt like a soaked sponge, the palms of your hands pressing against his chest examining the saturated attire.

His hands gently wrap around the wrists moving them down, away from the hoodie with a smile full of endearment;  “It’ll dry up soon, don't worry,” he smiles. Even though you both were stuck in bad weather, he managed to make you feel safe and happy first.

<< For Chan, it was the lack of safety he had that made him so unbearingly cautious of you and your safety. He wanted to make sure you were safe and happy with him, it was the least he could do by giving, if he couldn’t receive it in the first place >>

There was an odd feeling in your stomach that evening, something felt like it had shifted and was ought to happen although you brushed it off. It was a typical thing for you to feel when you and Chan were alone together. You felt sorry for him for having to hang out with someone who did the same thing day after day, you felt sorry you didn’t make things interesting despite trying but he didn't seem to mind. He seemed to always be immersed into anything and everything you had to say, do, or show. But why did he keep things as ‘just friends’?

–

It was late. You and Chan hadn’t stayed out for this long since you met and it felt somewhat rebellious, not to anyone in particular but mostly to yourself. It felt like Chan would whisk you away to somewhere so far away, where it would only be you and him. Nothing else in the world would compare to that. You tapped in your keycard to get into your building, Chan closely walking behind you; The sliding doors closed behind you, your footsteps resounding in the hallway as you walked towards the elevator. Your fingers itched but you clenched them tightly, digging your nails into your palms; glancing over to your side, you see Chan with his gentle smile as he tugs at the strings on his drenched hoodie. You press the button. No one was around, not a single student in the building was walking around at this time, considering it was 4:10AM. You press the up button to the elevator and wait for it to descend to the ground floor. “Thank you for tonight, this was the most fun I have ever had,” your voice was hushed and soft only for him to hear. Chan lowered himself to your face; “Thank you for giving me your time and allowing me to take you out for this long” the huskiness was soft and gentle, especially when he was speaking in a softer tone. You both stepped into the elevator and pressed the 6th floor since that was the floor your room was. Once the doors close, you turn to look at Chan; you both exchange a few looks. The energy was tense and you felt like something would happen and it did to your surprise. Chan’s palms cup your jaw as his lips press firmly against yours. It felt desperate, as if he had been holding back for a long time. Your cheeks burn up, your heart races and your forehead forms beads of sweat from the sudden surge of emotions. You froze, not in fear, but in shock. You didn’t know what to do and quite frankly, there was a lot but instead you leaned your body against the metallic wall of the elevator, your hands clenched towards your chest and eyes closed tightly. A million thoughts in a millisecond hasten intensifying your anxiety about everything within that moment. To him, it seemed like it didn’t matter; He parted away from you and let you open your eyes to comprehend what he did. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to shock you like that I just–” he sounded regretful, gulping so harshly as you watched his throat, your eyes gazing back up at him again.

“it’s fine,” you mumbled, trying to gather your thoughts, attempting to fathom his actions.Though from that moment, it did feel a little awkward and your response was worse than anything else you could have said.

You got to your floor and opened your room with your keycard taking off your jacket and throwing it onto the floor because it was still wet, pulling your hair tie out from your hair to let it down. You turn around to Chan who hung his head low, chewing his inner cheek, his solemn expression making his aura grey and dismal.

You clear your throat and take a step towards him.

“You can try again,” you whisper to him, “but please take your wet hoodie off,” You giggle. Chan’s face changes from a sad frown to a confused expression although his face also had relief written all over it. His eyes shot up in confusion and disbelief. “Wait, you didn't mind? you’re not mad?” the franticness of his tone causing Chan to stutter.. you shook your head.

And so, he slipped his hoodie off his body. “Seems like this is wet too…” he tugs at his t-shirt, the mischievous character slipping out within this moment as he starts becoming comfortable.

Without words being exchanged, without any more time being wasted Chan was cupping your face as his lips collided onto yours. The desperation in his bearing conveying to you everything he wanted. His lips brushed against yours like an ocean on an empty shoreline, like the universe paired you guys together like the ocean and the shore, like the moon and the sun; you both already knew you couldn’t live without each other. Chan inches closer to the edge of your bed. You melted into him, the way his lips would trail from your wet lips down to your jaw, to your neck and back to your lips again. You hesitated for a moment as your fingertips hooked under hist-shirt, halting Chan briefly before he eagerly pulled it over his head, casting it to the floor without a care. Living with this hellish anxiety about Chan seemed to dissipate as if he were a celestial being. It felt like you were living in hell with heaven right by your side. Chan’s teeth nip the tender skin on your neck, your gasp alerting him. “are you okay with this?” He asks with a worrisome tone in his voice. You nod your head, your fingers entangled between his locks, your fingertips grazing over his cheeks and lips ever so lightly. He left more kisses, whilst you placed your hands under his shirt holding him closer to you. One thing led to another as impulsive decisions were made between the two but you didn't care. You liked him a lot to the point you would definitely call it love. He loved you more than anything. The intimacy between you and Chan was all that mattered, you wanted nothing more than that.

Chirping birds sang their song at the break of dawn, the gentle sun peeking through the gaps of your blinds. Slowly, you open your eyes to see Chan on the other side of your once vacant bed. His messy locks lay across your pillow before he turns to face you again still soundly asleep and resting. His fingers twitched in his sleep, his eyebrows furrowing as though he saw something unsettling or fearsome. He did it again, his lips frowning in his sleep, was he having a nightmare or bad dream of some sort? You shuffled closer to him, wanting his arms to go around you again and within that instance, his arms held you close. It was a tight grasp however considering his dream, you were someone he needed then.

–

A few months went by labelless again. You and Chan did ‘couple’ things without the official title and you didn’t know why yet you didn't want to instigate a conversation about it in case it caused any problems which you strongly doubted.

You, Chan and your other friends met up again one evening at Yeji and Hyunjin’s house for a gathering the Hwangs organised since it had been a while they invited you around.

“Wow, it’s changed so much since we were kids!” you point at the new decor and wallpaper.

“I remember how we used to joke about pushing you down the stairs,” Han laughs and nudges you. “ah yes how could I forget, YOU were throwing a tantrum because you wanted something from Hyunjin’s room and he said no so that was your first instinct!” you nudge back. Reminiscing about your past with them felt as if you were reliving your past; you turned to Chan and he seemed reserved, sitting on the couch next to you his head hanging low. You duck under to peer at him though his woeful expression worried you slightly. You poke his shoulder and inaudibly mouth ‘are you okay?’. He returns a simple nod.

You and Han teased each other, as best friends do, although Chan felt quite protective of you at that moment and put his arm around you pulling you towards him. It definitely isn't malicious at all although you felt like the others were gawking at you right now.

Yeji leans over and whispers to your ear; “since when?” although you hush her by putting your index finger on your lips.

–

The beaming pearly moon shone over you and Chan as you both walked side by side, hand in hand. “You know, the moon is so pretty isn’t it?” you stop for a moment, admiring the floating orb.

“It really is..” Chan says softly as he gazes lovingly at you. His heart began thumping aggressively out of his chest, his throat becoming dry from being so flustered. You turn to him, your sweet smile releasing an explosion of confetti in his stomach. He couldn't help but smile. He inched closer, only a couple centimetres from your face before setting a soft, gentle kiss on your lips.

Everything felt perfect ~

The following few months stayed the same, just you and Chan visiting each other everyday. He visited your apartment so often, it was as if he lived there. You had so much planned for the future with Chan it was like the universe gifted you a blessing in disguise. Though something so beautiful blossomed, there was a pit in Chan’s stomach he couldn’t get rid of.

Self hatred,regret, insecurity, anxiety. The whole lot came crashing down, ruining his parade of emotions he had been enduring over the last few months. He tried to fight it and ward it off like an evil spirit but it came back, again and again. He didn’t know why he felt so much hate towards himself, constantly beating himself down to the ground when he knew he didn’t do anything wrong. It was all tough up until he had the opportunity to forget everything when he was with you, leaving any self destructive behaviour behind. He felt like he was back on track. His past was something you were unaware of since he kept it hidden and locked away, confined to the depths of his mind. He didn’t know whether he could be there for you all the time not because he didn’t love and care, but because he was so unsure about himself and whether he could handle the tragic effects of his unknown past. He didn’t tell you because he was afraid you’d leave and that would destroy him, being the reason for his demise.

But it takes courage.

Chan stares at his ceiling wondering what to do after seeing you so happy, patiently waiting for an answer that he knew you were waiting for despite not asking him. He pondered how to approach what he wanted to say; over text? too cruel. Over the phone? too cold and heated. Not at all? definitely a devilish thing to do. He knew what he had to do whilst feeling an excruciating tension in his chest whilst thinking about it. He fiddles with the necklace you bought him and reflected on the time he spent with you. The experiences he fulfilled with you. The things he took from you and couldn’t give back in case you regretted everything you did with him. He knew he was building up his walls again due to his past and the corruption that he, himself, endured.

You got a call from Chan on a random evening.You remembered the date clearly.. The blinds were slightly open as the breeze meandered through the slits into your bedroom circulating the small interior. You stood in the middle of your bedroom, with a smile on your face, since Chan called you. Hearing his voice was like medicine to you, it made you feel happier whenever you had a bad day or something of the sort. You tapped the green answer button and raised the phone to your ear as you continued to tidy your bedroom. Your cheeks ached from smiling so much since you missed him every second of every day.

Except, something wasn't right… Your stomach twisted into a knot.

Chan’s voice wasn't elated as it usually is. He didn’t sound happy or sad or excited or anything. He sounded serious, which wasn't like him at all. You clear your throat;

“Hey, are you alright Chan? Are you sick?” you ask him worried if he needed your help.

“hey, no i’m fine..” he pauses, “well kind of i don't know.. I wanted to ask if we could meet?” He asks.

“Of course Chan, i’ve just cleaned my apartment, did you want to come over? you suggested sounding rather fretful.

Chan thought for a while, this was a very important decision. “I can meet you at your place,” he said with slight hesitation.

Chan had been in a situation that had made him feel like he was a burden to anyone that he came into contact with. Despite his overwhelming, undying love for you he felt like it was too much for him to bear. Not you; the idea of eventually disappointing you with the possibility of you leaving him, loathing him, resenting him because of him. Of course he trusted you so much, he could trust you with his life however there was a feeling of guilt, worry, and an amalgamation of other things fused into one emotion. He didn’t want to hurt you and make you feel any bitterness towards him since he knew how much you loved him. He sat in his bedroom a few minutes before the phone call to you wondering what to say and how to say it but it was better said in person. He didn't want you to waste your time on someone that was seen as unreliable except no one understood his feelings like you did. That was the problem. You understood yet he refused to believe there was someone who did, someone made for him, someone who was tied to him with the string of fate.  He ignored everything and went with what he thought was right; Sometimes following the heart is better than your mind..

‘You didn't do anything wrong’ that's all he wanted to tell you but it would sound like excuses. Chan was too close with chaos to the point where fear and chaos resided comfortably in his head slowly eating at his fragmented mind. He felt like he entered an eternal darkness that was difficult to escape, he was truly trapped now.

–

Chan sat next to you, your eyes glinting in the winter sunlight that broke through the blinds. You sat against your headboard smiling at Chan with deep admiration, just as you would usually when you were with him. He gulped before he spoke. “So…” he began with a hefty sigh, “ I don’t think we should become anything more than friends,” he sets it straight and clear slightly choking up on his words.. You stare at him with a blank expression your smile immediately fading to nothing, the words you wanted to say were getting stuck in your throat. It was painful. You wanted to say so much, so many questions yet not one came out and all you could do is stare at him. “I understand if there isn't much to say and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or lead you on and I know we did things you’ll regret and I took things from you I cannot return…,” he explains, his voice cracking at every moment he felt his heart break. “I understand if you don't want to see me again or hate me but you are so amazing, someone else would do a better job at being good to you,” he spewed absurd words at you that spiralled into your head and made you feel faint and overwhelmed but you listened because you really cared about him.

“you were nothing but amazing and I want you to know that you have done nothing for me to make this decision,” he said. “I don’t think, right now, I’m in the right state to be there for you, to protect you and to love you in the right way. I dont think I’m simply fit enough to be someone that you can be in love with.”

– “I don’t think i’m good enough for you and for whatever reason, I cannot tell you why…”

– “ For you, someday, … I wish I could give you all my love to you but I can’t help the way I feel and it hurts just as much it hurts you.”

He rambles. He lets himself say everything he felt explaining himself from start to finish. You filled your lungs with air and inhaled sharply before deciding to respond to Chan. “I understand,” you say. Nothing more, nothing less. You watched his expression change from somewhat fine to teary-eyed before he snapped and released a waterfall of tears.

“Please understand that everything I did and I said, I meant with my whole heart and I wouldn't change a single thing I endured with you,” he swallowed his words struggling to speak as his tears overthrew him. “you deserve so much more than this.”

“I understand you Chan, please don’t be upset,” you hold yourself back from exploding into tears, your heart cracking every millisecond. You have never, not once, seen Chan in such a vulnerable state, sobbing, eyes puffy and red. “Don’t cry or be upset,” you try to comfort him, brushing his cheeks dry, even though in that moment your heart was shattering into a million pieces, your soul was crushed and everything you ever feared arose from the dead. Your stomach knotted and your throat tightened making it harder for you to share your feelings but all you could do is force him a broken smile.

Chan stood up, drying his eyes and clearing his throat. “We can stay as friends and eventually we’ll be okay, right?” he puts his hands on your shoulders, gazing into your eyes that were already pooling at the sight of him. You nod without a second thought. This was a complicated relationship from the start but you couldn’t blame him. You wanted to kiss him but you couldn’t. He wanted to kiss you but he just explained why he couldn't be with you putting you both in a vulnerable state. Chan didn’t want to give you false hope but he couldn't help it so he pulled you close cupping one side of your tear-stained cheek setting a passionate, hard kiss onto your lips. You melted into him, fusing your fragmented heart with his as your eyes let the teardrops run down your cheek. This wasn’t a goodbye, yet it felt like it since the dynamic of you and Chan has completely changed now. You didn’t blame him, you never would. Once he parted away from you, drying your tears from your face, he took a step back and brushed his hands down his face and took a deep breath; “I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have continued to give you false hope…you shouldn’t have felt anything for me…i’m so sorry”

You shake your head, tears streaming uncontrollably down your cheeks.

“If you don’t feel comfortable at any point of us being friends, let me know okay?” He still cared about you so you wondered how it would all go from now on. “i’ll see you soon…” he tries to break a smile from under all the sorrow. You nod.

The door closes. As it does, you stand against it before sliding down with your hands in your palms sobbing by yourself, your heart aching from the heartbreak you were suffering. You sobbed to yourself for a while until you felt numb. As Chan gets home, he sits on the edge of his bed feeling parts of his heart empty and void. What has he done? He blames himself for hurting you, for being an awful friend, for being an awful person. He hated what he just created, he felt as though he should’ve kept quiet. All he wanted was for you to be happy although he ruined it even more.He grips onto his hair tightly as he lets himself loose, sobbing to himself on the floor. He needed something more to distract but there was nothing. He takes the sleeve of his hoodie to dry his face before lying on his back staring at his ceiling for hours on end.

You both looked at your phones to message each other but it didn’t feel right.

1:23 AM you sit on your bed squeezing a plushie for comfort as you surveyed the luminous, consoling orb that is situated in the centre of the sky outside of your bedroom window. The luminosity comforted you as you stared at it; despite tumultuous emotions and irrepressible tears you coped, the moon felt like a friend that gave you a gentle hug. You already missed the sweetness that you once had between you and Chan, his gentle hugs especially when he nuzzled his head into the nook of your neck or when he held your hands when they were turning a crimson in the bleak winter weather. He cared a lot about you so you didn’t understand why he halted anything from becoming more. ‘we can stay as friends right’ - those words echoed in your head. You knew it would be a lot for you to overcome these feelings but would he do the same? Would it take a long time? You didn't know, although you had all these questions that were left unanswered.

Time went on.

Everything felt unfamiliar when you returned to your classes even though he sat next to you and tried to make you smile. He slid a peach tea next to you before the class started but when your eyes met it was a different story. “Thank you,” you croaked before clearing your throat. You didn't open it but you put it in your bag as you tried to hold your tears back.

“how are you today?” he asked. The audacity of Chan asking that very question when you were left in tears and pain. “fine I guess,” you lied.

“I know you’re not fine, I'm sorry…” he whispered. You wanted to disappear at that moment but you simply shrugged and brushed it off.

The same thing occurred almost everyday until you began to meet your friends more and gradually tried to ignore and get over the harsh emotions you were feeling.

You: Hey

Chan: Hi

You: how are you?

Chan: the same

Chan: you?

You: i’m okay

*you lie again*

Chan: That's good, I'm happy you’re feeling better. I’ve got a part time job for the summer.

You: oh that’s cool! i hope it goes well, all the best

He’s moving on. A part of your heart felt empty almost as if it wasn’t fully healed from everything just yet but it would be easier if he moved on first. It would hurt much less than you leaving him first but Chan thought otherwise. He didn't want to leave the feelings behind first because he fell harder than he should have. Seeing you move on, to him, hurt less since he turned you down first and he felt guilty for it as if he were a villain. There was more than one shattered heart and only one was healing.

September. Autumn.

A new season and a new academic year approaches which also means your birthday was close by. You started to go into your classes later and leave later even though he wasn't in your class anymore since he chose different units. There were very few lectures you did share with him yet he sat at the front alone and it felt awkward to sit with him when there wasn’t much conversation over summer, only a few hey’s and how are you’s. That’s what broke you ever so slightly, you were drifting apart and you could feel the bond tear.

You walk through the campus and you see him walking in the opposing direction and you pretend not to see him because you couldn't face him but he called out your name;

“hey!” he waves at you, a softish smile paints his face as his eyes sparkle as he looks at you. you remembered that smile and how he used to squeeze you tight whilst smiling like that. You stopped for a moment and blankly glared in his direction confused about what he wanted to talk about.

“Happy birthday,” he says softly. He wanted to say ‘I love you’ but he put himself in a situation where it was impossible for you to go back to those feelings when you were ready to move on. He wanted to give you a hug and tell you how much he missed you but he was far gone from the opportunity.

“thank you,” you respond. A simple thank you and a smile. What more could have been said?

You hoped to be loved by him again although it felt far from that now. Despite Chan saying it wasn’t you, it felt like it. It felt like you weren't enough, unloveable and undesirable but the moments you shared with him also proved otherwise so you were conflicted with a myriad of feelings in the moment. You just wanted him to comfort you, to love you, to be yours but none of that was plausible anymore. He’s moved on and so have you, bittersweet yet something you both could learn from; it was just an instance of being the right person at the wrong time. From being someone you thought you’d be close to forever, you both seemed to have turned into strangers instead.

You lied again, you didn’t stay as friends anymore. Time found a way to rupture the bond you had left hanging by a strong and eradicated what was left. You missed him and every moment you spent with him from start to finish and despite the harrowing emotional warfare you met along the way, you missed Chan’s sweetness. His pureness and honesty was something you appreciated since he went above and beyond to make you feel as happy as possible but one wrong idea cast the relationship into ruin.

#bangchan #chan stray kids #collegeau #straykidsfanfic #straykidsau #jyp stray kids #straykids #skz angst #skzchan #skz college au #skzhan #skzhyunjin #itzyyeji #angst au #kpop angst #kpopfic #friends to lovers #friends to strangers #friends to more #skz au #kpopfanfictiom #kpopau #college and university #universityau #skz imagines #skzfluff #stay skz

[yarrowdraws]

hi i really love your style

this is not an "i want to know what it is bc ai" question i've just been wanting to learn to draw for a LONG time and am just wondering how yoh learnt to draw.

i hope you can answer if it's not much trouble thanks in advance

aw thanks!:)

well, I always liked to draw, then I went to a high school that had an art department, and I also studied art at university, then did a masters degree in animation, but there were also some things that I had to learn by myself. Based on my experience, these are some things that can help someone who is a beginner learn how to draw:

It’s good to start by drawing things that you enjoy, because it will keep you motivated. (I learned to draw digitally in photoshop because I did a lot of fanart that way)

Practicing by copying other people’s artworks. Of course don’t publish these, or says that they are yours, but it’s a very good way to learn.

Doing life drawings, still life, and croquis are really useful, & learning at least the basics of anatomy, perspective, color theory, and composition, even if realism is not your goal.

it’s important to differentiate between good and bad advice. I mean, when I was a teen I had a favorite anime that had an art style where the anatomy and colors weren’t the best (I didn’t notice this at the time) and my skills really stagnated when I tried to imitate this style, and I only drew this way.  There are some popular youtube anatomy tutorials with like 800k views that are just, bad. So what I mean is, if you want to learn things like anatomy or color theory for example, choose to learn from somebody who is actually good at those things. There are also some good tutorials online. It becomes easier to differentiate them from the bad ones as your skills and way of seeing develops. It helps a lot if you learn from published books, from artists who are well known and respected in their fields. (For example Color and Light by James Gurney is a good book for learning about color theory) (this is also a reason why going to art school can be useful)

A lot can be learned from looking at and learning about different art styles, movements etc. Composition from renaissance and constructivism, anatomy from baroque art, color theory from impressionism, etc. I think learning about art history is really useful

experimenting with different mediums, themes, styles helps a lot and its also fun! I was a graphic design/animation major but I even had land art and abstract painting classes

so that kinda sums it up. I hope that answers it!

#i could go on but this post already too long lol