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changbunnies · 10 months

Text

Purple Hydrangeas (18+)

♡ Pairing: Sunshine!Changbin x Pessimistic!Reader

♡ Genre: angst, fluff, best friends to lovers

♡ Word Count: 7.1k

♡ Summary: Y/N is a pessimistic flower shop owner still suffering from breakup. Changbin is her sunshiney bestfriend who wants to cheer her up any way he can. Sweetness ensues :)

♡ Warnings: reader has depression and it is a focal point of the fic, discussions about readers past relationship, a lot of self doubt and blame, very very brief mention of a family member that has passed away, that's about it i think but let me know if i forgot something!

♡ Smut Warnings (contains spoilers): i am once again bringing you soft!dom changbin because i cannot resist writing him that way, petnames (love, angel, baby), nipple play, oral (f recieving), fingering (f recieving), multiple orgasms, overstim, body worship ??, protected piv for once (shocking), a sprinkle of cock warming, changbin is rougher at the end (due to reader's request). as usual lmk if i forgot something!

♡ Notes: this fic was written for the @skzwritingcafe prompt “blossoming love” ! it's my first time taking part in a fandom event and i hope you enjoy it! <3

♡ Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.

Life is like a flower. The beginning of your life, you are a bud, ready to grow and full of opportunity. Then the bloom, where your life is the most vibrant and beautiful it will ever be, all the time spent nurturing the bud of your youth culminating into the best years of your life. And lastly, the wither, the inevitable end that everyone faces, where your color drains and leaves wilt, until you are nothing. Some reach this stage faster than others, but it will always come, an unavoidable permanence.

Love is like a flower too- beautiful but fleeting, not meant to last forever. You learned all of this as a child, when gloom settled into you before you could even understand it was happening, and again recently, when your boyfriend of over a year decided he was tired of dealing with your gloom, moving on to someone more vibrant, someone in the peak of their bloom. You wanted to be angry, wanted to lash out in a bitter display of vitriol, but how could you when all of his critiques of your character were true?

There was irony, you think, in being so jaded about life while owning and working in such a beautiful place, where every flower held a profoundly positive message. A flower shop inherited from your late grandmother, who taught you everything she knew about gardening and the language of flowers. There were so many messages a flower could hold- love, hope, friendship; all things you didn’t have.

Was it any wonder your boyfriend-turned-ex was tired of you? You always brought down the mood simply by existing. And the saddest part was that, even if he couldn’t see it, you were genuinely happy with him- the happiest you’d been in ages. Maybe your personalities just clashed too much. Maybe your love languages differed too greatly, and the way you showed your care was lost on him. Maybe he couldn’t see who you really were underneath the dark layers, your light too dimmed even in your happiest moments.

All you know is he gave you hope. He gave you love and belonging and connection and then he ripped it from you, stating your ‘constant sadness’ as his reason. He couldn’t stand it anymore- being with someone who was never happy that is. And yes, you were sad often (depression will do that to a person), but could he really not see that you were often happy when he was there? Maybe you weren’t good at expressing what you were feeling, or maybe he found it draining to be around someone who was gloomy more often than they were happy.

And that’s why you found yourself thinking you were never meant to be; he didn’t see the real you underneath the dark cloud that followed you. Or maybe he did, and didn’t like the reality of what he saw when the clouds dissipated. Valid, you suppose; you don’t like what you see either. You’ve tried your hardest to change who you are, but the fabric that holds a person together is permanent. You try and try and try, with nothing to show for it in the end.

But you carry on regardless, hoping one day that someone will love you as you are, flaws and all. You cook yourself dinner, you force yourself into the shower, and you continue running the shop, because the alternative would be withering, and you don't want that to be your fate just yet.

The bell chime that accompanies the opening of the front door breaks you from your grim inner thoughts, bringing your attention to your first customer of the day. You stiffen at first, mentally preparing yourself to put on your best customer service persona, but you soften when you notice it's your best friend, Changbin.

“Y/N~!” he smiles as he practically skips up to you, his unfaltering vibrance immediately lighting you up. He always has that effect on you- cheering you up effortlessly, just from the simple act of existing in the same space as you. And though he could easily call you ahead of time to tell you he plans on coming in the shop, he never does, always leaving it a pleasant surprise instead.

You love when his loud voice rings out in your shop, excited to ask you for some new bouquet he doesn't entirely need but buys anyways just to support your business. He's always been like that- vibrant, positive, supportive and incredibly sweet. It was easy for you to become infatuated with him, even when your friendship first began in high school, but you’ve always done your best to push it aside.

You’ve tried your best over the years to not to think about how much you adore him- The way his nose scrunches when he smiles brightly, the loud exclamations that accompany him when he enters the room, the cute mannerisms he has when talking about something he cares about. You try to ignore his adorable habit of forming his lips into a pout when he speaks, or the way his eyes sparkle when you talk to him about his favorite things.

It was easier to put those feelings aside when you had someone else to focus on. You didn’t have to worry about just the mere existence of your best friend making your heart tremble when you had someone else to give your love to. But with each failed relationship, your heart always found its way back to Changbin.

And maybe it was your own fault for always keeping him a priority in your life while dating, but you couldn’t help it. Because in your darkest moments, while the most depressed and alone you’d ever felt, he brought illumination to your gloom-filled world, always a shining beacon in the darkness that is your heart. He just makes you happy; it’s as simple as that.

“I saw that hydrangeas are in season again,” Changbin smiles, pulling up the spare chair (that you have in the shop specifically for him) to sit in front of your work station. “They are your favorite right? The purple ones? You should make something with them!”

Leave it to Changbin to remember something small you’ve mentioned in passing. He’s always done that- remember even the most trivial of things you tell him, smiling cutely whenever he recites what you’ve told him at a later date. You don’t know how he manages to retain all that useless information, how he can be so attentive and earnest, but it’s easily one of the qualities in him you love most.

“Are you really going to pay for a bouquet of my favorite flower instead of your own?” you ask with a slight giggle as you begin to gather the things you need to get started. “Hey, as long as I’m supporting you, it doesn’t matter! Just make whatever you think is pretty,” he answers with a laugh of his own.

The truth is, he just wants to see you happy. He can tell you’ve been really down since your breakup (even if you don’t want to admit it to him), and this is his way of getting you to do something that you’d enjoy without being too obvious. And he has tried the obvious methods, of course- like binging your favorite movies in his apartment while you eat popcorn, or taking you out shopping with him to get that new pefume you've been eyeing, but every time you realize what he’s doing, you make an excuse for him not to do it.

Variations of “oh, that’s okay, you don’t have to do that for me,” and “I’m fine Binnie, don’t worry about me!” leaving your lips every single time. He doesn’t understand why you don’t accept his care when he can obviously tell that you’re upset, but he figures you’ll accept his affection eventually. And until that day comes, he’ll commit himself to finding creative ways to show you he cares about you.

There’s a comfortable silence that follows as Changbin watches you work. If he’s honest, he could easily sit and watch you for hours. He loves seeing the way your brows knit together and tongue sticks out slightly when you’re focusing on something, and the way your smile beams when something comes together the way you want it to. You’re so cute, even you don’t entirely realize it.

“Hey,” he says, eventually breaking the silence, and you lift your head to look at him, a slight tilt to your head as a “hmm?” leaves you. “I just realized, I don’t think I know why purple hydrangeas are your favorite. Tell me about it?” He asks, genuine curiosity painting his face.

Changbin knows you well- is acutely aware that you know everything there is to know about flowers and their languages and meanings. Every little fact about them is committed to your memory, so if one of them is your favorite, it must be for an explicit reason.

You pause for a moment, debating on how much of your personal feelings you are willing to admit. Changbin is your friend, (a friend you most definitely have a crush on at that) but it’s still hard for you to talk about your feelings with him. And you have tried, but every time you feel like there’s a lump in your throat that prevents you from speaking, no matter how badly you may want to.

“The desire to understand someone. Like.. really understand them. I’ve always wanted that.. To be understood,” you end up answering honestly despite the nerves, using your work to avoid direct eye contact. You’re not often open about things like this, always finding it extremely difficult to be vulnerable, but if there’s anyone you trust in this world it’s Changbin. He’ll never look at you with judgment or discrimination, just genuine care.

You look back at him now, taking notice of how intently he’s listening to you. He’s always done that, too- listen to you like there’s nothing else in the world that could take his attention away from you, like you’re the only one that exists. You suppose that’s just him being polite or a good friend, as it’s only right to listen when talking to someone, but it still makes your heart flutter. And when he looks at you the way he is now, it makes you feel safe.

“I feel.. Alone, oftentimes. And like no one gets me, or wants to even try to get me. Like I’ll always be this way, no matter what I do to try and change it,” you continue with your admission. He’s quieter than usual following your statement, but that’s okay. You didn’t say it expecting any sort of special response, and you can tell by the crinkle in his brow and the pout on his face that he’s reflecting on your words. He’s genuinely thinking about them, what they mean and what they say about you, and that’s all you really need from someone. You can tell he cares about what you said, and that’s enough.

“All done!” You say with a smile not too long after, proudly holding out your completed arrangement for him to take. Maybe you're biased since it consists primarily of your favorite flower, but you truly think it’s one of your best arrangements. Changbin takes it from your hands, commenting on how beautiful it is before looking up at you.

There’s a pause, a much longer one than usual, and you tilt your head, looking at him in slight confusion. “Is there something you need?” “Here,” Changbin says, holding it back out to you.

Huh?

You look at him, the bouquet, and back up to him. His expression is serious, much more than you’ve ever known it to be. “Is there something wrong with it? Do you not like it?” You ask with a frown, genuinely sad and confused by the uncharacteristic reaction he’s giving you.

“N-No, that’s not it, I..” he pauses another moment, red overtaking his face as he looks at you. Is he.. Blushing? “This is how I feel,” Changbin continues, watching you intently for any change in expression as he speaks, “I.. want to understand you, I want to be there for you, I don’t want you to feel alone.”

Time feels like it stops around you, his words slowly repeating in your head as you try to process them. Regardless of platonic or romantic intention, hearing him say those words to you makes a myriad of emotions rush to the surface. You’ve always known Changbin cares about you, but to hear it like this makes your heart race; especially when he’s using your favorite flower as the conduit for his feelings.

You swallow, trying not to let the emotions pour out of you from a gesture so simple. With trembling hands, you accept the flowers from him, your heart jolting from his fingers brushing against yours. You've felt his hands a thousand times at this point, but it’s different in this moment. Everything is different.

"I love you,” he says, making you turn your attention back to his face. This isn’t the way he intended on confessing his feelings to you, but if you really feel as alone as you say you do then.. He needs you to know. He can’t let you think that there's no one in this world that cares about you as deeply as he does, he can’t let you think that there’s no one who will listen to you, accept you, and love you as you are.

Your stomach does full on summersaults now, mind racing impossibly fast. The incredibly handsome and simultaneously extremely cute friend you’ve been silently crushing on this entire time loves you? But he’s so vibrant and bright, and you’re.. You. What does he see in someone as gloomy as you?

“B-But I- I’m not-” you stutter, trying (and failing) to put your thoughts into words. You should be happy, but instead you feel dread, almost. You feel... Like he doesn’t realize what he’s signing up for, like once he realizes the true depth of your sadness he won't want to remain by your side. And even if he does stay with you, you’ll ruin him. You’ll strip him of his vibrance, taint his joy and drag him through the mud with you.

“You’re not what?” Changbin asks, concern written on his face and clear in his voice. “I’m.. not good for you, I- I’m too.. Different,” you answer, nervousness palpable in your tone. “What do you mean?” His expression changes to one of incredulousness, as if you suggesting he could do better than you is ridiculous, as if he would never even consider it a possibility.

“It’s just.. You’re so cheerful and funny and bright and I’m.. the opposite. I’m sad all the time, it feels like it never ends. I was, I still am, trying to be better, like.. Seeing doctors and taking my meds, but.. I don’t want to drag you down, like I did with-” You immediately freeze, stopping yourself mid-sentence.

Shit. You haven’t told Changbin about why things ended with your ex before; obviously as your best friend, he knew you had a boyfriend and that things didn’t work out with him, but you never talked about it openly. You didn’t want to dwell on any of your hurt feelings when you were with Changbin, so you always kept the way things ended to yourself.

His expression changes, a sadness that is simultaneously soft and caring. He doesn’t know whether it's something your ex explicitly said to you, or is an opinion you hold about yourself due to your relationship failing, but he can't accept it. You would never drag him down. He would never view your feelings as a burden, he would never expect you to bottle everything inside for his convenience, he would never look at you and think you should be anything other than what you are.

“Do you remember when we became friends?” Changbin asks and you nod hesitantly before he continues, “That was the hardest time of my life. I had so many thoughts and feelings I didn’t know how to deal with or express and you were there for me. You’ve always been there for me. Even if you didn’t consciously do anything, having you there was enough to make it better.”

“The only reason I’m so happy now, the reason I can be so cheerful is because of you. You've helped me more than you even know. Maybe I can't change what you think about yourself, but whatever bad you think there is, it's not what I see. I see someone incredibly accomplished, intelligent, considerate, beautiful. Worthy of love and kindness. That’s who you are. And I'm on your side, always.”

Any hope you had of holding back your tears crumbled the minute such sweet words left him, the crashing wave of previously pushed down, dormant emotions engulfing you entirely. Reaching out now, you hug him tightly, sniffling into his chest while he wraps an arm around you and brings a hand to your head, holding you closely to him.

You almost never cry in front of others, the vulnerability always making you feel embarrassed and ashamed. In fact, in all the years he's known you, Changbin can count on one hand the amount of times you've cried in front of him. He always noticed the way you held it back when you were upset, how you would put on a brave face or a smile and continue on as if nothing happened. And he had admired that quality in you, but now he understands how lonely that must have been.

All the pain you silently harbored, all the tears you didn't allow to fall, all the thoughts you kept inside your head.. He hopes you know now that you never have to do those things again, that you don't have to be scared to show your authentic feelings to him. Because no matter how "ugly", he's not going anywhere. Because he loves you.

You let yourself stay like that for some time, indulging in Changbin’s comforting touch as months, maybe even years worth of repressed emotions tumble out of you. All you can do now is let the waves of emotion crash into you, until the tide of feelings recede back into the depths they were once stored in.

"Can you help me close the shop?" you ask when you finally pull away, wiping your face clean before you look up at him. "Of course, love," he gives you a sweet smile, giving your hand a comforting squeeze before he continues. "You can just head up now and rest if you want, I know what to do." He's helped you close the shop plenty of times in the past, so he's confident he can do it on his own.

You let out a soft 'thank you', deciding to take Changbin up on his offer and go straight to your apartment above the shop. Honestly, it's probably not the best idea from a profit standpoint to close this early in the afternoon, but that will have to be a problem for future you, because right now all you want to do is flop on your bed and bury yourself in your blankets.

And that's exactly where he finds you when he finishes closing up- wrapped in makeshift blanket burrito and work attire strewn on the floor, close to your hamper but not quite having made it inside. You poke your head out from under the blanket when you hear his voice call your name from the doorway to your bedroom.

“Can I join you?" he asks and you quickly nod, lifting a corner of your blanket up so he can crawl in next to you. He wraps his arms around you once he's under the blanket with you, urging you to rest your head against him. A comforted sigh leaves you when he starts gently rubbing your back, eyes closing as built up tension finally begins to leave your body.

Having emotions is exhausting, but being with Changbin makes it better. You hope this is what your life will look like from now on- wrapped in Changbin’s embrace, words of affirmation and care lingering in your ears, his vibrance bleeding onto you and turning you into someone that can be happy.

"Can I kiss you?" Changbin asks, voice almost a whisper and timid in its request. You give your approval easily, because obviously you want to kiss him. How could you not want to kiss the person you’ve been secretly in love with for ages?

His lips are soft, gentle against yours, hands careful in the way they roam your body. He longed to touch you, to know what it was like to feel your soft skin under his fingertips while he kissed you, to love you the way you deserved to be loved. He’s always viewed you with the utmost reverence, would spend his nights imagining what he would do if he got even the smallest chance to show you, promised himself he would never leave you doubting if the opportunity was granted to be with you.

Your hands rest on his chest, his kisses making you impossibly dizzy despite how soft and slow they are. Because it’s Changbin, you think; because there’s no one else in the world that has held your heart in their hands the way he has. You realize now that there was never going to be any getting over him. No matter who else you entertained, who else you gave your love and care to, you’d always find your way back to him.

“Binnie, can you touch me? Please?” You ask during a brief moment of separation, voice soft and timid but still loud and clear in his ears. Do you even know the effect that question has on him? The way it sends a wave of arousal throughout his entire body? “God, yes, of course, anything you want,” he says before he’s kissing you again, albeit hungrier this time.

You feel his hardening cock twitch against your thigh, the close proximity of your bodies making it impossible to ignore- not that you even want to ignore it. If it were with anyone else, he might be embarrassed over being worked up over so little, but he’s not because it’s you; the only person he’s had eyes for since you entered his life in sophomore year of high school.

Carefully, he reaches a hand inside the sleep shirt you changed into, surprised to find that you’re not wearing a bra, though he supposes he shouldn’t be- of course you wouldn’t keep one on if you intended on being in bed the rest of the day.

He licks your lips as he squeezes one of your breasts in his palm, urging you to open your mouth from him. You oblige easily, letting his tongue lick and swirl around your own, soft moans and gasps leaving you with every gentle squeeze and thumb brush over your nipple. “Can I take it off you?” he asks between breaths, and you hum in approval, separating yourself from him just enough to allow him to pull your shirt up and over your head.

“Bin, take yours off too,” you practically whine when he goes to kiss you again as soon as your shirt lands on the floor. “So sorry, angel,” he says with a low chuckle before he obliges, having no trouble pulling the loose shirt off himself with one hand.

You’ve seen him shirtless before, when swimming together or when he’s preparing to change into pajamas during a sleepover, but it never stops being a breathtaking sight. Large, defined muscles with an equally as defined chest, yet below lies a soft, cute tummy; it’s devastating how attractive it is- how attractive he is, specifically.

You lie flat on your back now, Changbin hovering above you and staring down at your exposed torso. “So pretty,” he says, smiling when it causes you to blush and look away. You have plenty of experience in things like this and don’t consider yourself all that shy but Changbin is.. Well, Changbin. A single look from him can turn you into a puddle, a simple compliment enough to have your heart beating out of your chest.

He takes one of your hands and brings it to his face, planting soft kisses to your fingertips, before having your hand rest against his cheek. He keeps his hand on top of yours for a moment, a silent request for you to hold it there when he takes his own hand away and kisses you again.

And so you do; you hold his face in your hand as his lips touch yours once more. You open your mouth, without any prompting this time, easily allowing him to slide his tongue against yours. He finds your other hand, taking it in one of his own and squeezing for a moment before he places it on his chest. He wants you to keep touching him, wants to feel your hands all over him, and this is his way of showing you, telling you.

He nuzzles his face into your hand when he separates from your lips before moving down to plant open mouthed kisses to your neck. Your hand travels to the back of his head now, fingers tangling in his curly hair and tugging slightly when he sucks on a particularly sensitive spot on your neck. A soft groan escapes him when you tug on his hair; it’s a feeling that delights him more than he ever anticipated it would.

You continue to touch him with your other hand, letting it run up and down his torso, over his chest, down his stomach, and then back up again, repeating the movements to your heart's content. “Keep touching me,” he says as he travels lower, lips ghosting the top of your chest, “don’t stop.”

His words make your stomach flip, a tingle spreading down your spine due to the request. It’s one you plan to oblige, even if his new position lower down your body makes the task slightly harder. His stomach no longer in your reach, you instead focus on rubbing over his shoulder and down the length of his bicep, a soft gasp of pleasure escaping you when he takes one of your nipples into his mouth.

He stays there for some time, alternating the attention between your breasts whenever he deems necessary and reveling in the feeling of your hands touching his body. So simple yet so intoxicating, he never wants you to be apart from him ever again, never wants to go without the feeling of your fingers in his hair or your palms on his bare skin. But eventually it becomes clear that you need more, he needs more, and he decides to continue making a path down your body.

"So beautiful," he whispers against your skin as he travels down your stomach and toward your legs, planting more soft kisses on your body along the way. It tickles, but at the same time it feels incredibly good; getting attention from Changbin like this is akin to a dream, something you once believed impossible for you to experience. And he is as attentive and caring now as he has ever been, leaving no part of your body untouched.

His fingers hook in the waistband of your shorts and underwear, pulling them off together in one motion. The way he stares down at your now fully exposed body makes butterflies erupt in your gut, the desire in his eyes palpable. Your legs unconsciously begin to close together, Changbin’s gaze on you making you the most shy you’ve ever felt.

“Please don’t hide from me, I want to see you,” he says, and wow, does that make the butterflies a million times worse. With a breath to try and steady your racing heart, you spread your legs, watching with bated breath as Changbin lowers himself between them. The sight in front of you, of the person you love most drooling in anticipation between your legs, is enough to make your head spin.

God, he wants to taste you so bad- and he will, but not just yet. He kisses your thighs first, in a gesture that is incredibly sweet but also drives you crazy with need. You aren't sure if it is intent to tease you, to make you become impatient with want, but that's certainly the effect it's having on you. "Bin, please, need you so bad, please-"

Fuck, that makes him weak. As if he isn't a slave to you already, willing to do any and every thing to please you, endlessly subservient to your every desire. Your breath catches in your throat when his tongue runs between your folds, the way his eyes lock on yours as he does sending jolts of electricity throughout your body.

He hums as he laps at you, lifting your legs just enough to hook his arms underneath them, hands squeezing at your thighs. “Tastes so good,” he groans into you, tongue alternating between your hole and swollen clit, his hips grinding down into your mattress to give some much needed relief to his aching cock.

No one has ever eaten you out the way he is now- desperate, wet, and messy, a mixture of his saliva and your juices running down his chin. And you want to watch but you can’t- it’s impossible to keep your eyes open when you feel this good. Your sweet, drawn out moans encourage him to keep up the pace he set for himself, wanting nothing more than for you to come undone from his tongue alone before he adds his fingers.

And that's exactly what you do when he focuses all his intention on your clit, the low hum of approval he releases when you tug on his hair again being enough to send you over the edge. Your moans turn into loud whines as he keeps going even past the conclusion of your orgasm, showing no signs of slowing down even the slightest bit.

Your eyes roll back when he pushes two of his fingers easily inside you, overstimulation prickling your skin and jolting your body, yet you don't want him to stop. You'll take all he has to give, for as long as he wants to give it. And it doesn’t take long for him to find the spot inside that sends you reeling, the overwhelming pleasure making your mouth hang open in a silent moan.

Your fingers, still tangled in his hair, tug much harsher than before, but he loves it. Between the sensitivity, the way he hums and groans against you, and the expert use of his tongue and fingers together, you won't last long. One, two more presses into your sweet spot and your second orgasm rips through you much faster than the first one, with an intensity you’ve never felt before.

Your cum soaks his face and fingers, liquid pooling underneath you and drenching your bedsheets. Arched back falling back onto the mattress, your lungs desperately heaving, begging for air as you come down from the explosive high. “B-Binnie, wait, too much-” you whine as he licks you clean, that simple act alone proving much too overwhelming for your sensitive body.

He wipes his mouth and chin with the back of his hand when he pulls away, looking down at you with dark, lust blown eyes. Your eyes travel from his face down to his painfully hard, leaking cock. “Do you want to fuck me?” you ask, the words leaving you before you can even hope to try and formulate that question less vulgarly.

You are going to kill him, he thinks. Because how can those words leaving your lips not make his entire body react, how can it not drive him insane with want? “Fuck, yes, I want to fuck you, so bad,” his voice almost a whine as it leaves him, desperate and craving the feeling of you wrapped snuggly around him.

“Condoms in there,” you tell him, pointing to the 2nd drawer of your nightstand. He leans over you to reach into the drawer, finding them hidden beneath your glasses case, medicine bottles, and various hand lotions. You chew at your bottom lip as you watch him tear open the packaging, unconsciously holding your breath in anticipation as he rolls it on.

He leans down to kiss you once he’s finished, letting you taste yourself on him as he rubs his length between your folds, letting your arousal and remnants of cum serve as its lubrication. Your body shudders when he presses the tip into your hole for the first time, making sure it’ll slide the rest of the way easily before he begins to fully sheath it inside you.

He’s so thick and feels so fucking good, it’s unbelievable; and you can tell he’s being effected by you equally as much, by the way his brows furrow and body trembles on top of you. He’s silently grateful for the condom serving as a barrier between his cock and your walls, because he’d surely blow simply from being inside you if he wasn’t wearing one.

"W-Wait-" your voice calls out when you can tell he’s ready to move, soft and breathy but still loud enough for him to hear. “What’s wrong, baby? Did you change your mind? We can stop right now if that’s what you want, there’s always next time, we can-” Changbin begins to ramble, clearly concerned that he’s somehow breached a boundary or did something wrong. It's endearing honestly, and in a different scenario you might let him ramble a bit longer, but now isn't the time for that.

“Changbin. It’s not that, it’s just..” you trail off, unsure of how you should word what you’re thinking to him. Honestly, you love that he cares so much, is willing to stop even when he clearly wants it so badly, and you don’t want him to think it’s somehow his fault that you need to stop and collect yourself for a moment.

It's not that you don't want to have sex with Changbin, or that he did something wrong. In fact, he did everything right, as perfect as he always is, exactly as attentive as you always imagined him to be. It's just.. this is the first time since your ex broke up with you that you’re having an intimate moment with someone and you feel.. vulnerable? Overwhelmed too, by the fact that someone you’re so in love with has the entirety of his cock buried inside you.

“I.. I still want to but.. can we maybe just cuddle for a minute?” you ask with a slight pout and Changbin’s heart positively bursts. It’s such a soft, cute request; one that endears him to you even more than he thought was possible. “Of course, angel,” he smiles, wrapping his arms around you and bringing you into a hug, “anything you need.”

He plants kisses on your cheeks, on your lips, under your ear and along your neck, keeping you pressed close to him as he does. “That tickles, Bin,” you giggle between his extremely light kisses, and you can feel him smile against your skin, endlessly delighted by the sound of your soft laughs in his ear. You wrap your own arms around him, hugging him tightly, indulging in the closeness between you.

You stay like that for some time- wrapped in eachothers arms, sharing kisses and soft words, tiny giggles escaping you whenever his lips brush over a ticklish spot. You can occasionally feel his cock twitching inside you, still impossibly hard and eager for further stimulation from your body. You’ve had enough comfort now, it makes you think- you want Changbin to feel good now, to lose himself in you the way he made you lose yourself.

“Binnie, you can move now,” you tell him, and again he twitches as you speak, “want you to fuck me.” Fuck, he has to resist going completely feral right now, cause the way you speak to him drives him absolutely crazy. One more kiss, then he unwraps his arms from you, lifting himself up and resting his palms on either side of your head. "I'll take care of you, show you how you deserve to be treated," he tells you, still eager to focus entirely on your pleasure even now.

But that’s not what you want now; he’s already done that. Taken such good care of you, treated you with so much love and care, shown you the depths of his affection. It's his turn to get whatever he wants. “No, fuck me,” you say, voice stern and confident in your words, “ruin me, I promise can take it.”

‘Oh my fucking god,’ he thinks. You’re the one ruining him, driving him so fucking crazy he almost can’t think straight anymore. But fuck, if that’s what you want, he’ll give it to you. Without holding back, until the both of you are delirious and breathless, minds foggy and eyes glossed over, he’ll fuck you.

"I love you," he says, one last display of affection before he loses himself; and lose himself he does, pounding into you so fast and hard straight away that it makes the air evaporate from your lungs. He grabs your legs, hoisting them over his shoulders and allowing him to sink deeper inside. Your hands claw the bedsheets underneath you, bunching them in your hands so hard that your knuckles turn white.

Changbin’s head falls back, curses leaving him freely, the harsh grip of his fingers bruising your thighs. Tears prick the corner of your eyes, the merciless drilling into the gummy spot inside you making your toes curl and body writhe. “So good, you feel so fucking good,” he whines, already so close to his high. And he can’t help that he's so close already, not with the way you squeeze so tightly around him and how pretty your moans and whimpers sound in his ears.

You want to tell him that you’re close too, that you’re gonna cum just from his cock, but you can’t; you’re too breathless, the only noises you’re capable of making are high pitched sounds of pleasure. But it’s okay that you can’t tell him, because he can tell with the way your eyes roll back, tears freely falling once you squeeze them shut, body trembling as your third orgasm hovers over you.

So he gives you a little push, bringing two of his fingers to your clit and rubbing in quick, sporadic circles. You cum hard, body convulsing underneath him and a string of expletives pouring out of you. “F-Fuck,” Changbin gasps out, the sight of you, so pretty and fucked out, while squeezing him so tight and gushing all over him- he can’t hold it back anymore.

“C-Cumming, f-fuck, ‘m cumming-” he tells you with a groan that transforms into a whimper, thrusts sloppy as he comes undone, pouring all he has to give into the condom. He pulls out as soon as his high recedes, slipping the condom off and tying it closed, tossing it aside to be properly disposed of later.

His body is heavy as he flops down next to you, the both of you entirely spent. You open your closed eyes when you feel him wipe the stray hairs that clung to you from sweat out of your face, only to be met with one of the sweetest smiles you’ve ever seen. “You look happy,” you say with a small giggle, one that he easily returns. “Of course I’m happy. I just got to fuck the prettiest girl in the world, and she loves me.”

“Mm, I’m happy too,” you say as you snuggle in closer to him, “because I can say that Seo Changbin is my boyfriend.” You give him a quick peck before you lay your head down, eyes once again closing as his arms wrap around you. You’re so exhausted, but it’s a pleasant kind now; the kind that follows a perfect day, where every moment of happiness will be playing in your mind even as you drift asleep.

“I meant what I said, you know. That I’m gonna take care of you, treat you how you deserve to be treated,” Changbin whispers to you, following it up with a soft kiss to your temple, “love you so much.” You hum an acknowledgement, whispering an ‘I love you too’, much too tired to fully put into words how much that means to you.

And you know it’s true, because it’s what he has always done, even before he confessed his feelings to you. He’s always been there for you, doing his best to cheer you up even when it wasn’t easy, always listening to you when you did have rare moments of vulnerability. You may have been blind to it before, too stuck in your head and your overwhelming feelings to see how much he truly loved you, but you know now, and that’s all that matters.

Sweetly, tenderly, he lifted you up out of the eternal dark, assured you with the sweetest of words and kindest of gestures. You had always thought you deserved everything you got from your ex, from life in general, always placing the blame for why things were so hard on your own shoulders. Until Changbin’s words, you never considered that you didn’t deserve it- that you should be allowed to experience joy and happiness freely and without worry of it being undeserved, or of it coming to an end.

Your mindset won’t change in a day, and you’ll always have your depression and pessimistic thoughts to struggle with, but that’s okay now. Because you know you have someone who loves you unconditionally, who will help you to see the bright side of every situation, who will support you and care for you on the days you can’t care for yourself.

His love as beautiful as the flowers you care for everyday, his care the nutrients you need to bloom into the radiant person that lies under the dirt. You think back to the purple hydrangeas, and how their meaning reflected something you always wanted. You didn’t realize it then, but you had it all along; someone who loves you, someone who cares, someone who understands. And they’ll stay your favorite flower, you think- because you’ll always remember the way Changbin held them out to you, love and concern embedded in his eyes, the beginning of the biggest, most vibrant bloom of your life.

if you're seeing this, then thank you so much for reading until the end !! i have so much to say, firstly being that the deadline extension helped so much sfdgf i'm still getting this out basically the day it was meant to be posted (it's currently just past 2am on the 21st as i'm posting) but the extension meant i could take my time proofreading and editing it and making sure i was completely happy with the end product before posting :) <3

that being said, this also took a bit longer for me to finish than i intended in the first place because i kept changing my mind about the structure. i knew from the very beginning that i wanted the fic to have the key points it does (i.e depression, purple hydrangeas, and the reader being the owner of a flower shop) but i wasnt happy with the dynamic i originally had set for the mc and changbin.

i actually had like. a good 3-4k words down before being like actually i hate this and reworking all their interactions gdsfhdg but i think that was for the best ! the childhood friends sort of relationship i gave them after deciding to rework the fic suits the overall tone of the story much better imo and i hope you think it was a good choice too <3 thanks again for reading, and i'm looking forward to possibly joining more writing events in the future !

actually, final thought, you know what else didn't help and made me get this out later than intended?? working on 3 oneshots at the same time gdfhdgh literally i am never doing that again (i hope, anyways) bye fr now

#skzwritingcafe #skzblossominglove #skz x reader #changbin x reader #skz smut #changbin smut #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz fluff #skz angst #mdni + divider graphic credit: @cafekitsune

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animalsalvationassociation · 3 months

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Emma Jade in MEOMI’s Style

Illustration Time: 5hrs 31m

[ DO NOT REPOST, ALL ART & CONCEPTS WERE MADE BY ME ]

Okay so if it wasn’t clear before, this is Professor Emma Jade. She is a Zoologist and a Animal/Nature Activist. She is an ally to the Octonauts as well as many other organizations (Ex. C.L.A.D.E.). Emma also happens to be very good friends to Captain Barnacles as well as many other activists that work within the A.S.A.

In this AU Emma is the main character. I wanted to showcase the potential of the Octonauts world by using Emma to help the audience understand how things work on this version of Earth.

She’s a very interesting character, and I’m excited for all of you to get to know her. I wanted to make up for the week that I didn’t post in between the other Octonauts refs and the last post. This won’t always happen but I’m too excited to wait for the next picture because of how gosh darn cute it is. So expect a post on Thursday!

My regular posting schedule should be every Tuesday if not then Thursdays. I’m in the process of looking for a new job (hopefully in childcare) so that schedule may change in the future. But I will be sure to keep all of you updated! Again a HUGE thank you to everyone who is following along, I hope this will be able to inspire others to keep strengthening our little fandom, because it sorely needs it!

(P.S. This isn’t my favorite drawing but its been the basis for all of her main colors so I’m still rather attached to it. This was actually the first digital version of her as well so extra attachments I guess)

[ This is an Octonauts AU, in no way is this canon to the OG storyline. ]

Original Design:

https://www.tumblr.com/animalsalvationassociation/733195730614943744/welcome-to-the-asa

If you want to see more check me out on DeviantArt I have lots of other fandom based drawings over there or go check out my Instagrams!

https://www.deviantart.com/cookiecrumbles52

I'm an Octonauts Group Admin! Wanna add your art??? Go check it out!

https://www.deviantart.com/octonauts-community

Instagrams:

@ CookieCrumbles52 (Stories)

[ https://www.instagram.com/cookiecrumbles52/ ]

Palace_City_52 (Character Creation)

[ https://www.instagram.com/palace_city_52/ ]

#octonauts #octonauts fanart #octonauts above and beyond #octonauts story #octonauts redesign #octonauts the asa #fanart #digital art #digital fanart #clade #covertleagueofanimaldetectivesexperts

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bottlehawk · 1 year

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navigating my blog guide

#bottlehawk text -> all my text posts. includes homestuck meta, as well as #asks and #polls.

#bottlehawk art -> anything i draw. includes #wips.

#hs reblog -> homestuck-related reblogs. run by hourly queue. all characters tagged by #rb-firstname (ex: #rb-jade).

#other reblog -> non-homestuck reblogs. sometimes i tag other fandoms. (ex: #naruto reblog)

(BLOG SECRETS & TIPS UNDER THE LINE) 🔻

i tag all homestuck posts that come from me with #homestuck, with characters by their full names (ex: #rose lalonde.)

i tag asks i answer about how i draw things/do technical stuff with #art question.

#rb-everyone is used when there's so many homestuck characters on a post i don't want to tag them all.

i tag all real-life sketchbook doodles with #sketchbook.

my #hs reblog queue is set up to feature one character/grouping per day. it transitions between days. (ex: jade -> jade + rose -> rose). i have a big queue (with lots of old/obscure/forgotten stuff!).

i tag #rb-john and #rb-june separately.

guardians are tagged under their kid counterpart (excluding #rb-dad). same with troll ancestors (tagged by dancestor name.)

i tag content warnings by the actual thing (example: #birds). not like (#tw birds).

yes, i tag #rb-mayor, #rb-davepeta, #rb-davesprite, #rb-jaspers (includes jaspersprite), etc. i'm not kidding i tag almost every character. i even tag fan trolls/kids! (#rb-oc)

i AM an adult. but i won't really post 18+ (unless it's like. funny lmao. i'll tag it then.)

i don't care about "spam notifs" feel free to go as WILD as you want.

#bottlehawk text #navigation #pinned #making it easy to search my blog or to block certain tags ^

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chaos0pikachu · 1 year

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so I’ve watched all 4 released eps of Bed Friend

things I like:

the directorial style; I noticed this in Cutie Pie but Mandee studio seems to be adopting a lot of cinema stylings from Korea and I dig that. it’s a sleek looking series, the lighting is always solid, the color grading is smooth and beautiful, nothing looks overly flat visually it’s a strong series. I also love love love there’s multiple locations being used I often see in BL only like a handful of meh locations making the entire story feel very small so I like there’s lots of location being used here

the costuming; I really like that Uea and King have very separate stylings that enhance their characters. The secondary characters are also styled nicely, nothing to notable but BL often leaves costuming on read and dusty so I’m always appreciative when I see strong thought in the costuming

the music; I like the soundtrack that’s being used though they def overuse the love ballad a bit to much like god damn, also some of the music cues don’t flow well together but the soundtrack itself is strong

the setting; I don’t think I’ve seen a Thai BL set in an office before tbh and like it’s so refreshing I really enjoy office romances/dramas so I really dig this

the story; I actually really like Uea they’re a really interesting character I wasn’t expecting the series to be more of a character drama than a romance/BL but I don’t at all mind it. I’m hoping to see some real growth for Uea and for all the people in his life who hurt him - and jfc there are way to many - get there’s. Like can the stepdad and ex boyfriend at least go to jail?? I highly doubt the mom will but fuck can Uea and his little sister abandon her completely? I really like the show kept it realistic tho, plenty of parents don’t believe their kids and choose their partners over them. I even get how Uea ended up in a relationship with Pock b/c Pock gives off love bomber vibes and Uea would be susceptible to that sort of behavior

things I’m meh on:

the acting; while I really like uea as a character they’re interesting but the actor, James, is just okay imo they’re solid they’re not like the worst~~~ actor I’ve seen in a BL (y’all don’t wanna know my opinions on that lmao) but you can tell their inexperienced especially in scenes that require more emotion idk if this is James first leading role I don’t keep up with the actors like that, though I know James and Net are apparently pretty popular or well liked? Idk why and frankly idc James is likable so it’s whatever, but I def get Acting vibes when those more emotional scenes come up I also don’t like the actor that plays Jade that much, Net as King is fine the rest of the cast is fine. The mom is super over the top but idk if that’s the actress of the story itself but god damn woman my ears

the nc scenes; straight up I do not understand why this series is rated nc17 on iqiyi the sex scenes are hella tame like LitA and Kinnporsche, yeah they earned their nc17 ratings but Bed Friend?? Hell I’ll give Big Dragon it’s kudos even tho I didn’t think their nc scenes were that wild either but they earned it by showing ass. Bed Friend is a high PG13 at best and I say this with love lol I don’t mind it but it is weird it’s rated so high imo

King; I’ma get it for this but I’m pretty meh on King currently. He’s the type of romantic lead I’m always meh on his motivations are just “in love with Uea/treating Uea right” we know nothing about him as a char except the crumb about his brother being a perfectionist and maybe that’s caused some bad blood between him and his mom. It makes the narrative dynamic between Uea and King unbalanced for me like Uea is so interesting! They’re a full fledged char and King just isn’t. I like him, Net has natural screen charisma him and James have nice chemistry, but King is just...fine. He’s fine. He’s hot and he’s nice so he’s fine.

things I disliked;

the twitter fandom they so cranky! they are SO cranky and for what I ask? For what? I saw ppl complaining there wasn’t enough kissing, or scenes between cut that were in the trailer(s) and like have y’all never watched a thing before in y’alls lives? Shit always gets cut from trailers this isn’t new and also some actor drama or studio drama with Mandee and I refuse!!! I refuse to even peak closer into that shit like why is twitter fandom so damn cranky all the time. I can only guess that ppl are feeling a kinda way b/c the romance is more secondary to like, Uea as an individual char and their story but w/e stop hating it’s a cute show

Anyway, looking forward to seeing how the rest of the episodes - which was extended from 8 to 10 that’s interesting hmmm - pan out. Hoping for more King development tbh like that’s a must for me rn and for all the ppl who hurt Uea to get there’s like Glory it up Uea do it

#bed friend the series #bed friend #chaos pikachu speaks

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gumpistol · 2 months

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// What was the first muse that you’ve written?

Do you have developed dynamics with the OC of another mun that has influenced your OC or Canon muse? (Tell us more about the mysterious Boog!)

In what fandom did you start?

Do you tend to focus on shipping or do you not care at all?

What are the trends when it comes to writing that you adore?

Do you still have your first blog / URL?

What’s something you wish to improve?

p.s. ♡ feel free to skip anything if this is too many questions / you don't wanna answer one / you already answered it!

𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍 / @ferromagnetiic

what was the first muse that you’ve written?

on tumblr, the first muse i ever wrote (and probably wrote horribly because what was writing) was good ol' peepo parker aka spider-man from m.arvel comics. he will forever be one of my faves!

do you have developed dynamics with the OC of another mun that has influenced your OC or Canon muse? (Tell us more about the mysterious Boog!)

*rubbing my hands together* oh boy oh boy, you just made my day by asking about my OC!! (who is still very much a WIP, but i'm getting there!) anyway, i apologize if this part gets long.

edit: it got long so i'm sticking it under a read more

'boog' aka bykovsky beauregard aka 'the sleepwalker' is my jaded af ex-marine turned reluctant pirate captain one piece OC! they hail from a small island in the north blue, are the captain of the moryana pirates, current user of the sleep-sleep devil fruit (which allows them to put people to sleep for a period of time), and one absent-minded and excessively sleepy leader who falls asleep when tasks are too boring. anyway, that's the lamest summary, but the details i have published on them so far are on my multi, here!

BUT OTHER MUNS AND THEIR INFLUENCE?? the thing i've had the most fun with in terms of boog and their plot is being able to create an entirely OC crew with some other folks~ those on boog's crew include: marina, by bells (@chronocide), who is boog's first mate and she has a lemur named giuseppe that boog hates; cash, by bunny (@horonomi), is the crew's navigator/second mate and a terribly notorious flirt and drunk; weld, by sev (@hweyd), is their part fishman, insomniac shipwright who happened to be aboard the ship that boog, marina, and cash chose to steal. he sticks around because boog's sleep-sleep ability helped him finally get some decent rest; eden, by rabbit (@malpractising), is the crew's blind, undead doctor who joined after patching boog up despite the captain's horror at a blind guy holding a suturing needle; coco, also by bunny, is a mink stowaway who joined the crew; oyabi, by light (@godthread), is the crew's helmsman and another devil fruit user from Wano, and she towers over even boog (7'3") at 13'5"; lastly, bells and i are working on two other OCs for the crew, Pip and Kip, twin brothers, who are a demolitions expert and a sharpshooter respectively, and they are fucking maniacs that boog regrets bringing onto the ship every day.

anyway, thank you for asking about boog! i love them and i get reluctant to talk about them with people outside of the crew plotting circle because they are my first attempt at writing an OC and i am just a tad nervous

in what fandom did you start?

i started out writing in the m.arvel comics fandom, before branching out to various others, then went back, then came here!

do you tend to focus on shipping or do you not care at all?

obviously based on his orientation, romantic shipping is not a priority for luffy. but on my multi and in writing other muses in the past, i do enjoy shipping! it's definitely not the first thing i look for though, and i usually consider it more of a happy byproduct after interactions happening ic or after talking a lot ooc with established friends to the point that we can be like "wait, so i was thinking- were you?" to which i respond "wait, yeah, i was thinking the same thing!" and then the rest is history and you will not get me to shut up about our ship (as you will come to know, i'm sorry but also not sorry. you asked for it)

what are the trends when it comes to writing that you adore?

the answer to this question can be found, here!!

do you still have your first blog / URL?

i actually don't lol, it was a personal blog and i know at one point i was really proud of having a bunch of followers? but then that blog was abandoned and eventually i deactivated it and remade my personal blog, that has also been subsequently abandoned and hardly used

what’s something you wish to improve?

this is a good question, because i feel like there is always something i can improve in my writing, it's just always hard to pinpoint what exactly unless it's while i'm actively writing. i think i'm trying to improve a lot by finding my own style. for the longest time in rp, i really tried to be a writer that i was not, and it made the hobby so unpleasant and difficult. so right now, i'm trying to improve on just writing, putting words down and not immediately worrying about word choice or syntax or how poetic it sounds, but just letting my own style flow.

the other thing i'm trying to improve is my method of getting myself to write. because of my adhd, i can't piece together the scattered fragments of thoughts in my head by looking at a computer screen. i will sit there and stare blankly at the screen for 4 hours if i do. instead i need to physically write my thoughts out on paper before i can even consider writing something that is longer than two sentences. so i'm working to improve my system of keeping my notebooks and notes for all my threads, inbox prompts, and musings, and just overall improve what strategies are most efficient for me.

#ferromagnetiic #❝ its not like ‘thanks’ are something i can eat ❞ — answered #❝ adhd thought dump ❞ — ooc #thanks for the questions i really appreciated them!!#but damn i wrote a lot so sorry ;-;

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king-paimon · 2 years

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Houseki no Kuni Thoughts: The character I can’t hate

Hi everyone. It’s been a while and after learning that Houseki no Kuni is coming back in just a matter of days, I figured now was the time to finally post this. I’ve wanted to write this for a long time and certain events in my life has compelled me to add more but not want to post at the same time, if that makes sense.

This post is sort of an analysis on a certain character from the series that I surprisingly have a lot in common with. Though I think that goes without saying that many people in the fandom, including myself, can find themselves within the different characters, especially Phos. I think that’s one of the reasons why we care so much about them and want the best for them.

But like I said, for me there’s another character that I found myself connecting with more. A character who changed so drastically that it felt like whiplash for readers and the characters in the story. A character who was put in a difficult role by those around them to later gain a new one by someone who claims to care about them more. A character who became a favorite for many, but quickly became the one they detested the most. I’m sure you know who I’m talking about, yes?

Yeah, I’m talking about Cairngorm.

I’ll do my best to explain myself. This is a long hot take and I’m sorry if anything I say doesn’t make sense; I was literally going through the manga again when rewriting this because I know I didn’t remember everything correctly. Please feel free to say your thoughts about what I write. If this post is too long, I can cut it up if that’s easier for everyone. Or if you believe I need to add some sort of trigger warning, please let me know!

Anyways, here we go...

Cairngorm: Reluctant Obligations and Purpose

I think many can agree that Phos got the short end of the stick when it comes to their life. Unlike the other gems, they weren’t the strongest and count stick to any of the given tasks that everyone else could do out of disinterest. No wonder most of the other gems pitied or were annoyed or just barely paid any attention to them. It got so bad that Phos was given a relatively meaningless task to do so they can do something instead of laying about. Why do I bring this up? Well, despite the clear negatives that Phos experienced because of this in the first chapters, I’d argue that Phos had it easier than certain gems. Though I don’t think it was truly confirmed, it seems that most if not all of the gems are given specific roles after their inception and were given proper knowledge by Adamant. These are roles that the gems stuck with, even when if they expressed forms of dissatisfaction (ex. Dia or Jade.) Phos, on the other hand, was allowed to explore. Yes, they got teased or reprimanded for being lazy/causing problems, Phos is still allowed to try different things a lot, something that I don’t believe many of the gems were allowed to do.

And on top of that, because most of the gems didn’t pay too close attention to Phos, this essentially gave Phos free range to do whatever. And if Phos wanted to do certain things, like work with Antarcticite, Adamant just sort of allowed it. In some ways, older Phos had more freedom than most of the gems because of their status among the others. And maybe I’m crazy but it feels like Phos gets forgiven often by Adamant, especially as the series progressed.

Again, why did I bring this up? Cairn. Unlike Phos, it seemed that Cairn didn’t really have much a choice on what they could do after they came to be. When they were forced into existence after Ghost was taken, Cairn was essentially put into the role of being Antarcticite’s replacement for Phos as their partner and “keeper.” Cairn may have acted tough with Phos and was angry about the circumstances, they still took up that role. Whether they did it because wanted to or because they were expected is another thing. To me, Cairn took up this role because they were expected to.

Yes, it has been shown in the manga that Cairn made the choice to take over the winter duties and follow Phos to the moon, even though they didn’t want to. But that’s just it. These decisions Cairn made weren’t compelled by inner desire but because they knew it was for Phos’s sake. To me, these were instances where Cairn actively put their feeling on the side to do what is expected of them. It didn’t matter what they desired or how they felt, they had a role to fulfill no matter what, and it was to be by Phos’s side. It’s all because it was put in their head that they are expected and obligated to do these things by the others, especially Ghost.

Hell, they were ready to decapitate themselves for Phos after they lost their head because of what Ghost told them. Even though Cairn was stopped, this just shows how far they would go to fulfill this role that they were put into because they were taught/conditioned to do so. I’m now wondering if Adamant would have still stopped Cairn if Lapis’s head wasn’t there.

This is a miserable sense of duty and obligation to others, especially individuals one can see as family. Sadly, this is something that I’m all too familiar with.

Parentification: Do it for your family

(I’m about to get a personal. Read at your own discretion!)

I’ll tell you all just a little bit about myself and I promise this will circle back to what I was talk about. (Though I don’t know if this is triggering but I’ll still add a warning here for people who are sensitive to depressing topics) I come from a relatively big family and I’m the oldest. Ever since I was a child, I was taught that I must fulfill my duties as the oldest child for the sake of my whole family and this was a reality that I accepted. I know not all families are like this with older siblings being expected to take up endless family/community duties, but that’s the case for me. I needed to be the “strong one” for everyone’s sake, even if it meant I needed to sacrifice my happiness and wellbeing, because that was my role. And if I didn’t fulfill my duties because I didn’t want to, according to my father, then I’d be an selfish person who would hurt the family and “god dislikes selfish people.” If I couldn’t fulfill that role well, I’d be a bad role model since according to my father, “all my actions impact on my siblings since they look up to me” and “it’s my responsibility to be the good example for their sake.” Because I didn’t want to be a “bad child” and hurt my family because of my actions, I remember sucking up my grievances and just did what was expected of me and more. Be the pillar and role model that my family can rely on because if I can’t be that for whatever reason... who was I?

That’s why I connected to the character Luisa from Encanto. Her song “Surface Pressure” made me cry so much the first time I heard it and it’s my favorite Disney song to date. Everything she said in the song perfected how I felt when I was young and now when I’m an adult. I’m happy to say that even before the movie came out, I recognized that some of the things from my childhood weren’t healthy. Things have gotten better for the most part and I thankfully don’t have to fulfill all of the same duties that I had when young but sadly… now new duties are expected to be done and the effects from my childhood still linger. I still have this sense of duty and obligation to my family and their wellbeing, even though I’m told that I don’t need to do it anymore. I’d gotten so used to being the one who does everything and even though my family is older now, I’m sometimes still expected to fulfill old and new responsibilities because of my role in my family. It never seems to end.

Like I said though, things have gotten better and I’m learning to say no. But I won’t lie, there were times where I just wanted to disappear, kind of like how Cairn felt. Not die, don’t worry. Just walk away from my family, community, and anyone who knew me in life and start everything from scratch. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t hate my family, especially my siblings. I love them, even though they frustrate me sometimes. I really want the best for them and I want to see them do well on their own. Still, there were times when I was tired and… I just wanted space from everyone and everything for… maybe a few years? I had a small taste of this when I first left home for college. I was away from home and was finally allowed to do what I wanted to do for myself. It felt good but wrong at the same time. Even though I finished school, life has brought me back home and sadly, those darn obligations are back on me. But now that I’m older and understand the world a little better, if I play my cards right, I’ll soon be truly free from these chains of familial duties and obligations. Thankfully some of my siblings and close friends understand my feelings and support me. Speaking of freeing themselves, let’s finish this rambling post by going back to Cairn.

True or False sense of freedom...?

As shown in some of the manga pages I added, I hope I was able to show why Cairn’s position is sadder than one would assume. So, when Cairn went to the moon and even though their sudden character change initially came out of nowhere, the more I thought about it, it sort of makes sense. On the moon, Cairn was allowed to actually make choices, from the clothes they wore to the name they go by. Cairn was no longer expected to look after someone else like they did back on earth, especially someone who had the tendency to attract trouble.

Cairn no longer had any obligations to fill. They didn’t have to put others first before themselves. They are allowed to be who they truly are. On the moon, Cairn had freedom… or rather the illusion of freedom. At least, it seems that way to me. This is up for debate after the last chapter but I remember during chapter 75 and beyond, this sense of freedom that Aechmea made for Cairn feels...false. But whether it’s false or true, this offered freedom is what made Cairn latch onto Aechmea so quickly. It’s gross how Aechmea clearly took advantage of their naivety but at the same time, it’s clear that Cairn still accepted this with sound mind... and it’s pitiful to see.

I understand people hating Cairn and I don’t blame them; I just personally don’t. Yes, I’m disappointed with their choices and actions but at the same time, I totally get it. They crave freedom and though they can make choices and are no longer expected to be Phos’s partner or keeper anymore, Cairn isn’t truly free; they just have a new master, and Cairn knows this. But at this point, they don’t care anymore. What they have on the moon was better than what they had on earth. I admit, if you ignore the manipulation stuff that Aechmea is clearly doing, Cairn kind of has it good. So…yeah, good for you Cairn. I’m even a little envious but not by much.

I don’t know where this series is headed for Cairn and the other characters. I still think we’re headed for a bittersweet ending and how that will play out is anyone’s guess. But you know what, because of how much I see myself in Cairn and other characters like them, a part of me is happy to see them feel free for the first time, even if it’s not true freedom.

So yeah, this was my post. I’d been working on and delaying it for way too long. Please feel free to share what you think.

#houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #HNK #LOTL #hnk thoughts #personal thoughts #personal opinion #hnk cairngorm #hnk spoilers #hnk phosphophyllite #hnk phos #character analysis #long reads #long post #tw: mental health #encanto #luisa #luisa encanto #family

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impishglee · 2 years

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so i listen to hsmtw and despite my fraught relationship w it, has drawn my attention to a formal move that’s really prominent in both homestuck and the locked tomb series.

hussie and muir both are to some extent, writing with fandom in mind, with an understanding of it and how it ticks in many ways. taz especially since that’s where she cut her teeth. and the thing they both do a lot, is create spaces for fans to fill in, especially in regards to relationships. its one of the ways they manage having a large cast.

hussie and muir both do a lot of having entire relationships happen almost, if not entirely off screen, especially in later hs. ex: jade and davesprite date and break up during a time jump and we only know abt it in after it’s already over, terezi and gamzee have an off screen blackrom thing, hell, most of dirk and jake’s actual relationship takes place in a time skip. muir does the same move with gideon and ianthe in ntn, sixth house and dulcinea in gtn, corona, judith and cam in htn (though that eventually gets more filled in as yet unsent), hell most of the third house trio’s dynamic is just piecing together what other people say about them and a handful of conversations.

generally speaking, i think muir uses this move more successfully than hussie much of the time, but muir is also working in an extremely different form (planned fantasy series vs rapidly serialized webcomic), which gives her more time to be thoughtful about how to employ this. i think it also helps that muir also does have many relationships she devotes a Lot of very focused on screen time to, compared to hussie who is a significantly more scattered and i think less interested in really sitting in one relationship. again, homestuck was written in a wildly different way and hussie had different priorities and interests than muir, though i do think hs would have benefited from knowing how to better interweave The Plot and the interpersonal relationships of the characters especially act 6 onward

#just saying things honestly #ntn spoilers #locked tomb #homestuck

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 2 years

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This is a strange question but I’ll ask anyway: Do you read Fanfics? And if you do, what’s your favorite fanfic tropes?

I do read fanfiction, but not a lot of it (shocker, I know 😂) since I'm extremely picky with how the characters are portrayed and how their dialogue is written compared to the already established franchise or work. I prefer the pieces I read to stick to canon lore (not that every fanfiction has to do this, it’s just what I personally enjoy). But more often than not, I'll skim through a fanfiction and then close out of it because the first sentence out of a character's mouth sounds nothing like how they actually speak (ex: Jade calling someone “dude”), or the character does something that contradicts lore (ex: Jade makes a deal with Azul in the fanfiction when Jade actually says in canon says he would not consider it).

I think I also tend to avoid a lot of fanfiction because the majority of it tends to center around romance (not just in TWST, but in many fandoms), and I’d personally rather read a character study over characters kissing or comforting each other.

Mmm, if I had to pick some tropes I love 🤔 the first would be... major character death 💗 just because it’s really interesting to me to think of how the other characters would react to such a major change to the status quo. I also really like angst, but only a very specific kind of angst where it’s 1) not romantic and 2) the turmoil is turned inward. The character is not upset because of a breakup or because they’re pining after someone they cannot have; I only like it when the character is unhappy with some aspect of themselves but struggles to improve or to change that part of them.

In terms of AUs, I like Fairy Tale AUs (I mean, I’m writing a Fairy Tale AU series myself, how could I NOT like the trope?). I’m just a sucker for those kinds of interpretations in general. The other kind of AUs I’m super into are Royalty AUs, but again, only a very specific kind where 1) the focus is not on romance (there can be arranged marriages or secret romances and such, but I don’t like it when this is the main thing the fic is about) and 2) there’s actual politics and dangerous implications for the countries involved in the fic. I JUST WANT ESPIONAGE AND ATTEMPTED ASSASINATIONS AND BACKSTABBING ADVISORS IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR 🤡

Most of the reading I do for fun is of formally published fantasy books or ebooks (though some fanfiction has gotten so popular that they ended up getting publishing or show/movie deals)! I have to admit though, I’m also really picky with published books 💦 so it’s not really an issue with fanfiction specifically, but with my tastes. Nowadays, I’m reading a lot of books on food history and I think enjoy them a lot.

#notes from the writing raven #question

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acacia-may · 1 year

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The Fighter

Description: Kotoko Utsugi had once been "The Fighter" of the Warriors of Hope, and now, nearly 20 years later, she supposes the title still suits her. She doesn't know any other way to be. After all, they say we become what we needed most in our darkest moments.

With the help and encouragement of an old friend, however, she'll begin to her realize that maybe even "The Fighter" deserves to be fought for every once in a while.

Fandom: Danganronpa (Specifically Ultra Despair Girls)

Genre: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Healing, Character Study, Future Fic (nearly) 20 Years Post-Canon.

Relationships: Kotoko Utsugi & Nagisa Shingetsu Friendship almost 20 years in the future with a little bit of the Warriors of Hope platonic friendship as well. A/N: I wrote this as a platonic work about their friendship, but as they're both 30 years old here, I guess you could take it in a more romantic-ish(?) way if you just really wanted to see it (maybe?). That was not my intention in writing, however, and in my mind, this is Friendship Hurt/Comfort (Nagisa is just awkward--bless his heart).

Characters: Kotoko Utsugi (POV Character) and Nagisa Shingetsu. Masaru Daimon and Jataro Kemuri are mentioned but do not physically appear in this story.

Rating: T for Thematic Elements and Some Language (Please see "Warnings" below for more details).

Warnings: Vaguely implied/mentioned childhood trauma and abuse. (A/N: This is hurt/comfort, but the past childhood trauma and abuse is only implied as vaguely and subtly as possible while still being treated with the sensitivity and gravity it warrants). Unhealthy coping is mentioned. Healthy coping is also mentioned. A very brief scene involves an adult character being hit on when they do not want to be by another adult (NPC) character who is not respectful when rejected. Another brief scene involves an adult character punching another adult character—followed by non-descriptive depictions of some minor injuries and mentions of blood. Legal/of age drinking is also implied/mentioned. Self-Worth Issues. Insecurities. Kotoko is a jaded and unreliable narrator (A/N: I like to think they characters are in a better place psychologically here (nearly 20 years after Ultra Despair Girls and having begun to get the therapy they so desperately need), but they still have a ways to go and don't always cope in the best/healthiest way. Healing is a journey).

Word Count: 2771

Link to original post on AO3. Please do not repost to another site.

Note: This story was written for @nothing-to-see-here-bye-yall and is my first work in the Danganronpa fandom so I'm a little nervous. I really loved Ultra Despair Girls, even though there were so many elements that were just heartbreakingly sad, and I just hope I've done these complex characters and their friendship justice in this piece.

Story below the cut. Thank you for reading!

Kotoko focused on counting the backsplash tiles behind the bar counter—mismatched and uneven with a tendency for cracking and falling off. The bartender, a friend of hers, had let her take a piece of broken tile home a couple of months ago, when it had fallen off the wall on her thirtieth birthday. The barkeep had insisted it was lucky, but Kotoko hadn’t been too sure. And now that she was trying her best to drown out the unwanted attention of the thug who had just walked up to drunkenly hit on her, no doubt, she was certain that even now she was too cursed to be lucky.

“I’m not interested,” she said again. Between the loud, rowdy noises of the bar and the blasting background music, she could barely make out what he was saying, but he clearly wasn’t getting her message to back off.

Kotoko caught the watchful eye of the bartender who was refilling the beers of a rowdy group at the opposite end of the bar. She nodded at Kotoko, and then whispered something to a waitress who headed to the kitchen, probably to get the chef, a big, burly man who was rumored to be ex-special ops, to keep this patron in line or throw him out if he got out of hand.

In the meantime, she added, “Besides, I already have somebody” particularly loudly for good measure in the hopes of getting rid of him. It wasn’t true, of course, but her friends were always game to step in and pretend to be her fake significant other if she needed to deter some drunk dirtwad and his unwelcomed interest in her. Luckily, she had just so happened to run into Nagisa in the bar an hour ago, and he was quick to jump in, leaning back in his barstool to glare at this bar thug who merely scoffed at them.

Kotoko could hear that dirtbag’s next words plainly above the low roar, and they made her feel sick. “I can show you a better time than this scrawny shrimp.”

“She said, ‘no’ so back off.” Nagisa rose from his seat at the bar counter stepping in front of Kotoko. From her high barstool, she was “taller” than him for the first time in nearly two decades, but as tall as Nagisa was—which Kotoko supposed was relatively average for a grown man—that drunk jerk towered over him when he raised himself to his full height.

“You gonna make me, pipsqueak?”

“Nagisa…” Kotoko reached out her hand, but before she could grab his arm it flew forward, his fist colliding with the man’s nose. Nagisa was slim, lanky—nowhere near brawny enough for a bar fight, and he looked almost ridiculous starting one in his three-piece business suit. He might as well have hit the man with his briefcase, if he had had one. His opponent was visibly surprised but unamused and returned the punch with a right hook that crashed into Nagisa’s cheek when he turned his head in an only partially successful attempt to dodge.

Luckily, Chef quickly broke it up before things got too ugly, but Nagisa was already worse for wear. As the chef kicked that thug out of the bar, the bartender ushered a bruised Nagisa into the backroom so Kotoko could tend to his wounds before they headed out.

With a frown, she shook her head as she tried to clean off his face with some warm soapy water. “You’re probably going to have a black eye now,” she sighed. Nagisa winced as she pressed the cold compress to his cheek. “What were you thinking? You could’ve gotten yourself killed.”

Kotoko could have almost sworn she saw Nagisa’s mouth twitch in the corners, but he said dryly, “I guess we’ve come a long way if you’re worried about me dying now.”

She couldn’t tell if he was being completely serious or not. Sure, there had been a time in their lives when they couldn’t have cared less what happened to them, but almost twenty years had passed since they had tried to make their “Children’s Paradise.” They were adults now, and after nearly two decades of court-ordered therapy, they had accepted that. As far as Kotoko knew, none of them had a death wish anymore, least of all Nagisa who was probably the most successful of their group with his job coordinating the implementation of air filtration systems with the Future Foundation’s laboratory. Or something like that… Kotoko never could keep up with him when he talked about his work—whatever he was trying to say got muddled in all kinds of technical jargon. Masaru’s job with Fuyuhiko’s independent security contractors and Jataro’s work in the field of prosthetics were much easier to follow and understand. The boys didn’t ask her much about her work with the newly restored child protective services. She had once tried to explain that she mainly worked with orphans or children who had been displaced or had gotten separated from their families in the more dangerous, lawless portions of their slowly rebuilding world, but they knew, had always known, her reasons for choosing that line of work. She was their “Fighter” after all, and she fought for those children now, protected them like no one had protected her friends…like no one had protected her.

It was her life’s purpose or raison d'etre as Nagisa would probably say, and in that, she was happy—or at least, she was learning to be, even if some days were still enough to drive her to the local bar, a real hole in the wall joint in the basement of what used to be a department store. While Towa City had been built back up over the last twenty years, there were parts that still remained rundown and ruined. This was one of them. She was surprised to run into Nagisa there, considering he spent most of his time in the shiny, new city center, but maybe he had had a rough day at work as well. Regardless she was sure he must be having a rough day now considering the bruised and bloodied condition of his face.

“I’m sorry,” he said running his hand through his hair. “I really didn’t mean to start a fight. I just—I saw the look on your face and I just…” He stopped. “I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t worth it,” she insisted quietly, wiping the blood off his jaw. She shook her head and frowned. His lip was busted too.

“It was to me. I couldn’t just sit there and watch that pr—Ow!” Nagisa winced as she pressed the rag to the bleeding corner of his mouth.

“Sorry.” Kotoko paused, shaking her head again. “You need to hold this here—otherwise you’re going to stain your suit.”

Nagisa nodded, and his hands reached up to take the compress from her. His fingers were long, spindly and surprisingly cold. Kotoko didn’t suppose that the cool night air blowing through the small open window in the storage room was enough to leave his hands so chilled. She flinched and pulled her hand away.

“Kotoko, are you alright?”

Her brow furrowed. “I’m not the one who just got punched in the face.”

“You’re trembling…” His voice trailed, and he held out his free hand to her, recoiling it into a fist in the last second. “I’m sorry. Can I…? That is…do you want me to—hug you? It’s okay if you don’t…just you look shaken so I thought I should ask.”

“I’m fine, Nagisa. Really,” she insisted, but her voice wavered. “Besides, pricks like that don’t harass me nearly as much now that I’ve changed my hair…” With it cut pixie short and dyed dark black, she didn’t attract nearly as much attention nowadays, which she preferred.

“So that’s why you dyed it…?” he half-asked, half-stated. Kotoko nodded.

“Don’t you like it?”

Nagisa shrugged. “It’s nice. I just…kind of miss the pink, I guess…” he admitted, far more honest than he probably would have been if he had been completely sober, Kotoko thought. His face fell and something sorrowful passed over his eyes. “I wish you didn’t have to change yourself to feel safe.”

Something ached in Kotoko’s chest. She wished that too. She wished a lot of things… She pushed the thought away with a shake of her head. “You’ve always got to make everything so deep, Nagisa. I like my dark hair. Sure, it isn’t adorbs, but that’s why…” She stopped. “Look this isn’t even about me. This is about the fact that you’ve gotten yourself beat up ‘defending my honor’ or whatever after I tried to stop you.” Waving her hand, she rolled her eyes at those words.

Nagisa rubbed the back of his neck. “I said I was sorry. That’s the first time I’ve ever even done something like that...”

“Probably too much vodka.” She crossed her arms with a huff. “I don’t think drinking agrees with you—it makes you impulsive and reckless. It’s weird, and I don’t like it—you’re supposed to be the responsible one. We don’t need another Masaru.” Masaru didn’t drink, ever. He had never really discussed it with her, besides to tell her off for turning to the bottle when life got a little too hard, but she had always assumed he was afraid of the type of person he would become if he did start drinking, the type of person liquor might make him. She was sure Nagisa understood what she meant though. Masaru was impulsive enough without it. “But at least he’s brawny enough to pick a fight. You don’t see a lot of scrawny businessmen going after thugs twice their size like that. You should stick to destroying people with logic and statistics.” Her mouth twitched teasingly, but Nagisa changed the subject with a sigh.

“Have you talked to Masaru lately?”

“He called last week, but only for a couple of minutes. He’s in another relationship apparently...” She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Nagisa, however, did not.

“That seems to be his drug of choice these days.” He shook his head bitterly before his face softened, and his voice grew quiet as he apologized, “I’m sorry. I know that must be upsetting to you.”

Kotoko took a deep breath. “I’m not mad at him. I understand he’s just looking for love or acceptance or whatever…” She huffed, but her shoulders slumped. “I just…I just wish we were enough for him—that the love of his friends was…” She stopped and stared at her hands. “But I guess not.”

“I don’t think it’s personal.” Nagisa sighed. “Jataro’s in love now too—or thinks he is. Somebody he works with at the lab—with shiny glasses or something…”

“Do you think people like us can really even fall in love? To bring someone normal into this mess…” Her voice trailed, and Nagisa shrugged his shoulders.

“Maybe. I don’t think it’s impossible.”

“Oh? You have the great love of your life stashed away somewhere?” There was a certain unintended bitterness that seeped into her words. She frowned as she watched the tips of Nagisa’s ears turn red.

“I think my work is probably the love of my life.” He chuckled lightly, almost sheepishly. “Married to the job, I guess…”

Kotoko almost snorted a breathy laugh. “I thought out of all of us, you’d want to settle down, have a ‘picket fence’ life.”

Nagisa paused and stared down at the ground. His voice grew so quiet she could scarcely hear him confess, “I don’t deserve to be so happy.”

Kotoko sighed. Drinking made him honest too. She had forgotten about that. “Don’t say nonsense like that. You were always the best of us. If you want something, you should go out and get it. Don’t just sit around punishing yourself for something that happened 20 years ago.”

“If I get in a relationship, where will that leave you? I think we’d be better off sticking together—let Masaru and Jataro work out all that stuff.”

Kotoko frowned. He had completely ignored and evaded everything she had just said. He certainly had a knack for that. She supposed he had a point though. Her friends knew all too well that a romantic relationship was something she didn’t want, probably could never want, not anymore. If her boys all settled down that meant she’d be alone, and while she didn’t think she would mind it much, it might be nice to have another friend who stayed perpetually single with her.

“I suppose you do give off that married to the job vibe…” shrugged Kotoko. “Though you also give off that ‘doomed to be in love with someone he’ll never have’ vibe too”—she paused—“Promise me that’s not the case.”

Nagisa’s cheeks flushed, but he said, “It isn’t.”

“Good. I don’t want you hung up on Monaca or something forever.” Kotoko stopped abruptly, realizing only from the look on Nagisa’s face what she had just said. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have—”

“It’s fine,” he cut her off quickly and abruptly. “I haven’t thought about Monaca in years.”

Truthfully, Kotoko hadn’t either. Even so, the question which followed slipped out before she could stop herself. “Do you ever…imagine what our lives would have been without her?”

“What lives? We’d be dead,” Nagisa replied with a bitter dryness. “As much as I struggle to forgive her for everything that came after, I can admit that we are alive today because of her and Junko. And I think that maybe that’s worth something…” He paused and met her eyes. “I mean just look at you—at everything you’ve done for those children. Without you, they would have had no one to fight for them.”

Kotoko’s face grew warm, but she frowned. “Oh, so I’m a fighter now…? I thought I needed you to defend me?”

Nagisa let out a long, heavy sigh and swallowed hard. “Look, I really am sorry about earlier. I know there is a lot of fight in you, probably more than any of us, so…I really wasn’t trying to step on your toes and fight your battles for you. I’m sorry if it came off that way…I guess, I was just thinking that sometimes if a person spends all of their time and energy fighting for other people, they don’t have enough fight left in them for themselves.” The tips of his ears turned red, and he added hurriedly, “And I don’t mean that in an insulting way…I just…”

“Or,” she quietly interrupted him. He stopped, and she could feel him turning to look at her as she twisted her hands and continued. “Or they don’t think there’s anything left in them worth saving…They’re just too broken…”

“That’s not true,” he said without a moment’s hesitation. She couldn’t bring herself to look up at him, but as she stared down at the ground, she noticed his hand hovering almost sheepishly above hers before he asked, “Can I…hold your hand?”

Kotoko nodded, and he took it. His hand was warm now and clasped hold of hers with a sturdy, reassuring squeeze. When she finally looked up at him again, he said, “There is so much in you that is worth protecting, and I’d do it again, in a second.”

His face softened, and he smiled at her with something so kind, so earnest in his eyes that she wanted to believe him. And maybe she would someday. Maybe someday she’d grow out her hair again, letting in fall in long, pink locks that Jataro would want to braid and play with like he had used to do when they were kids. Maybe someday she’d get out that pink sweater Masaru had gotten her for her birthday and let him take her dancing in that park in the city center where someone, somehow, found the strength to play live music even in their bleak, post-apocalyptic world. Maybe someday she and Nagisa would come back here to this bar and sit and talk for hours and she would put her armor aside for just a moment and allow herself to feel safe, to feel protected, to feel happy with him by her side. But for now, she just smiled and rested her head on his shoulder with a grateful, “Thank you.”

In the comfortable silence that followed, she began to think that maybe Nagisa was right after all. Maybe even the fighter deserved to be fought for every once in a while.

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