#I’m not even necessarily sad I’m just like idk numb in a way

[mouseleygraham]

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this emotionally drained before

#like... not to be dramatic but I feel really hollow rn #I’m not even necessarily sad I’m just like idk numb in a way

[milktea-kitty]

Hi! Idk if this is too long but uhh yeah! So basically y/n rlly likes tsukishima, and it’s obvious she’s like like kei! We are gonna get married one day. Stuff like that and and always tried to be near him but kei acts hard to get. so on Valentine’s Day she gives him a note and she’s like I’m sure you know I rlly like you and I want to ask you out. You don’t have to give me and answer right now tho.And she just walks away lol, so then that same day she goes to visit tsukishima at the gym like she always does and she hears him talking shit to yamaguchi. He’s like she’s annoying why can’t she take a hint that I don’t like her. I wish she would never talk to me. So she’s like heart broken and decides that she’s chased him for too long so she stops waiting for him at the school gate to walk with him, she stops giving him bento boxes and little snacks, she stops calling him by his first name, she stops saying hello everytime she sees him, and tsukishima misses her but when he tries to talk to her and accept her confession tsukishima sees y/n and hinata in a romantic moment, he looks at him like she used to look at hinata. :( sorry this is super long I had a dream about this 🟪🟪🟪🟪😳

@shoyosbitchh You’re mind is wonderful my friend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waiting 🥀

Paring: Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Warning: Angst

A/N: My first angst story and I hOPE the person who requested it likes it 🙏 thank you so MUCH for requesting. Remember they’re still open!!

Kei and (Y/N)

It wasn’t something tsukishima saw becoming a reality. She was just another fish in the sea.

‘An annoying, dumb, pretty little fish.’

Tsukishima met her his first-year at Karasuno, they were in the same class. (Y/n) didn’t know what it was about him that she felt drawn to at first. It all just fell into place when she saw him at his desk with his signature headphones on, staring out the window without a care in the world.

So she went up to him that day and tried to strike conversation.

Immediately, she learned what kind of person Tsukishima Kei was.

An arrogant little snot who was too know-it-all for his own good.

And that only made her fall more.

Everyday she would slowly make more of an effort to get closer to him. The more she felt comfortable, the more she joked around about them getting married and living together.

But not too far deep down, with all the treats and goodies she offers him, walking home together (which took a bit of convincing) and even calling him by his first name, she knew that all of it was true.

However, in Tsukishimas case...he was conflicted to say the least.

Sure he’s had plenty of annoying people come in and out of his life, but none like you.

You who never gave up for your best interests.

You who would try and visit him after practice just to give him something.

You who always teased him about having a romantic relationship.

And he hated it.

February at Karasuno was so irritating to Tsuki.

Couples at every corner being all close in each other’s faces, ‘disgusting’ he thought.

But of course, you had to top that when you enter his personal space during lunch hour.

“Keiiii~, tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, whatcha gonna get me?” You ask jokingly.

“Why would I want to get you anything?” He replies not looking up from his homework.

“Don’t be like that, I’ve been so nice to you everydayyy”, you whined poking at his cheek.

“Tch, just because you do it doesn’t mean I have to return the favor. Go eat or something, you’re wasting your free time.” He groans, swatting away your hand.

You sign with a little pouty face and walk away. You weren’t all that sad, truth be told. It was just the way Tsuki is, however tomorrow would be the big day for you.

You were finally going to genuinely tell him about how you feel, no more teasing or joking.

Walking up to him during lunch the next day was a whole other story. You were so nervous even though you’ve done it a million times. ‘I guess this time is a little different’

However, you muster up the courage, and walk over to him card in hand.

Once he saw you just standing in front of his desk, he removes one side of his headphones before sighing,”Can I help you??”

“I-uh...this is for you Kei. I know I joke a lot about marrying you and stuff but, in all honesty I like you.”

He looks at you with an expression you’ve never seen before.

It wasn’t necessarily a cute, happy expression. But it wasn’t a “fuck off” expression either.

You lay the note down on his desk before muttering, “Y-You don’t have to give me an answer right now, I just um- yeah.”

You speed walk back to your desk and lay you head down looking at the opposite wall from Kei.

As the last few classes ended, you eyed him wondering if he was going to talk to you. But, he didn’t. He packed his bag up, putting the note in his volleyball bag and walked out.

‘Maybe he’ll give me an answer after practice’

You thought

Tsukishima hit a wall during this time in his life. (Figuratively and almost literally, he didn’t focus on what was in front of him cause he was thinking about you)

No ones ever “liked” liked him, or even if they did, they never confessed.

I guess walking home with you wasn’t too bad, and the food that you sometimes bring him tasted good and-

‘Damn it’

But he didn’t like the idea of dating. You being his girlfriend?

It sounded outrageous to him. I mean, you were such a pain in his ass, always trying to get him to talk more than he wanted.

Nevertheless, he still didn’t know what to do. To make matters worse, he hadn’t even opened the note you gave him yet.

Practice that day was somewhat weird. To him at least. His blocking was off and he couldn’t keep his eye on the ball like usual. Ukai had to pull him out of a set cause the ball hit him in the face like Hinata (he was so embarrassed). Yamaguchi and even some of the other guys noticed something was up.

When that awful evening came to an end, Kei and Tadashi were left to put equipment away and cleanup.

Little did he know that you were waiting outside, waiting for his answer, waiting for him.

“Hey Tsuki, did something happen today? You seem..off” Yamaguchi asks.

Tsukishima doesn’t know whether to tell the truth or just blow him off.

‘Screw it’

“...that girl (y/n) told me she liked me today.”

“Oh...well she jokes about that all the time what’s the-“

“She was serious this time.”

“....ah….well what’d you say?”

“I didn’t tell her anything, obviously. She’s so dense and annoying, I wish she’d just leave me alone, honestly.”

Tsukishima didn’t look at his friend while saying that, he didn’t know why.

“Oh..I just thought uh..never mind. I guess what you do is your business.” Yamaguchi tries to retort.

You stand outside the gym, tears streaming down like a flood, hand covering your mouth so neither of them could hear your whimpers of pain.

‘I’m so stupid.’ You thought

You walk slowly away from the gym head down.

Then a walk became a run.

Then a run became a sprint.

And soon, a whimper became a scream of defeat.

The next day, Tsukishima waited for you to come up behind him or give him a bright “Good morning Kei”

But you didn’t, you came in and sat down without a word, your glow deafened.

When lunch came around, he caught you walking back in the hallway.

“...hi (y/n)” he chimed.

“Oh um..hi Tsukishima” you muttered, looking and walking away

‘Fuck’

He felt every part of his heart shatter. He stood still, eyes wide and full of worry.

You were the same for the rest of the day. Avoidant, still, numb.

It was like all the life had been sucked out of you.

Your gorgeous smile was gone.

Walking back to the gate, you passed the club room building after school was over

Then, the thought of ‘Does Kei have practice today?’ crossed your mind,

You realized that you didn’t have to ask yourself that question anymore, because you didn’t need to wait for him anymore. Not at the gate, and not for answer.

You press you back against the building and fall, bringing your knees to your head and crying once again.

“(Y/n)?”

You look up and see a mess of red headed hair and kind brown eyes.

“Hinata..” you try and wipe away your tears and sniffle, “you don’t...have practice today??”

He nods his head no replying,” Gym inspection…(y/n) are you okay?”

He kneels down and sits next to you.

“No..But I don’t want to talk about it either.”

“That’s okay! I’ll just-..I’m here for you if you need me.”

“...thank you Shoyo.”

He gives you a flustered smile, with a pair of rosy cheeks, responding, “N-no problem.”

Leaving the classroom, Tsukishima at least hoped you were waiting for him at the gate to walk home.

He shouldn’t have ignored you.

Hell, he shouldn’t have said that shit about you being annoying to Tadashi.

His thoughts are interrupted with the sound of your voice talking to someone.

He follows it peaking the corner of the club room building and then..he sees it.

The look you used to give him.

The look he loved so much, the soft smile, the little pink cheeks, the bright eyes.

He saw it...giving it to Hinata.

And just like you.

A walk became a sprint.

And an insult became a silent, unheard

I love you.

#tsukishima kei #tsukishima x reader #haikyuu tsukishima #tsukishima hcs #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x y/n #tsukishima x reader angst #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu

[ofmythsandmadness]

MY THOUGHTS ON TUA SEASON TWO: PART TWO (spoilers)

So...I finished season two.

I’m putting ALL my thoughts under the tab so please, don’t click unless you’ve seen it all, and/or you just....like don’t care about spoilers? But please if you’ve not watched it, watch it first ‘cause it deserves all the hype and attention.

You can read part one to this here.

FIVE HARGREEVES…

I deadass thought he was gonna die.

I thought throughout the entire show that he was going to die, and ESPECIALLY at the end, I thought that was it. I guess I’m glad though that he didn’t die of course. But I was convinced, and glad he didn’t and that there was no shock-value death of a major character. 

(though like maybe one of them should have gotten hit by a bullet in one of those final scenes?? I mean….there were bullets EVERYWHERE. By SO many guns. How did they miss every time????)

Aiden Gallagher did a terrific job with the character. I don’t agree with the things he personally has done but I am convinced on his acting abilities, I mean JEEZ. He sold the act and alongside Diego/David Casteneda, was really one of the best actors on the show. I am thoroughly impressed. I didn’t really like him much in Season One, but he’s sold the role to me now and I’m very impressed.

That being said... I kinda hated Five. That’s it. I liked him in general but some parts, I was so pissed off and just didn’t like. He was an asshole and I know he IS an asshole but it was beyond just being a grumpy old pisspot. And I don’t know really how to feel, because I know being 45 years alone and lost and then becoming the world’s best assassin or whatever will fuck your head up, so it makes sense. I just think there were points where he lost most of his humanity, and then he’d flip-flop back to a more caring being. I sort of just wished there was a clear definition to all of his thoughts and emotions on it all.

But at the same time his character makes sense so I don’t know how to feel??? Maybe I’m just pissed on how he treated Diego and shit. But I’m very very glad he’s not dead!! 

ALLISON HARGREEVES…

Okay, I thought she was REALLY dead in that scene. You know the one I’m talking about.

Holy shit.

I was so scared. And also it was so sudden (and a little cool admittedly how Lila just threw it back at her like that - HOW DO I WORD thAT NON-SEXUALLY) and I was so fucking worried they’d kill her off, because I find sometimes her character comes off a little disposable. Not because I want her gone, more that the show finds her an afterthought and pushes her with someone or ‘silences’ her.

But overall I loved her storyline. I didn’t know if I’d like her just being married, it felt again like an afterthought and she was being pushed to be with someone, but the civil rights movement plot was really well done, in my eyes. I loved too the agony of having such impressive powers, but scared of the effects of doing so and also not wanting to be the person she was before. I felt for her and I was so impressed with her separating herself from her past, trying to push away from being the one who had it all and trying to be her own self. I think that this season did that really well, with all the characters and finding themselves, and I just...I want her to be happy, and successful and I want to see her find a way to use her powers without causing pain to herself or others.

And not be with Luther. Please, anyone who can do a thing about it reading this, do not make her and Luther a thing.

(also - emmy raver lampman is in general so goddamn talented and beautiful and i wish her the best. i just heard her rendition of satisfied and me oh my, that gal deserves so much more love, i hope this show catapults her career even more forward)

VANYA HARGREEVES…

Literally invented cottagecore.

Also, I love her.

I was so impressed with the way they handled her queer storyline. I was so worried about it, admittedly because television shows have a history of handing out stereotypical plotlines and not caring about the depth of them but dear FUCKING heavens, I loved this one. I cried like a baby, and yet I was left almost happy, at the end? Not happy, because they’re apart and Sissy’s stuck in a world that she can’t be herself in, but there was a beautiful bittersweetness that I adored about it. And it was realistic, and they didn’t just follow a trope and leave it there to wither up and die.

Vanya was adorable in this season and while I normally hate the amnesiac storyline, I think it’s an easy way out, I liked it here! Because yeah it was I guess an ‘easy way out’, but it worked and it made Vanya be able to be here and actually start over. I didn’t want to see her so burdened with who she had been and who she was forced to be, I wanted to see her smile and dance and love her siblings and she could and I couldn’t be happier. I mean, when she was just saying how she loved her family and her family was amazing...obviously it’s funny cause the family’s so messed up, but she meant it and I just want so much good for her.

I just love how they naturally developed the idea of the Hargreeves genuinely liking each other. This season really brought them together but unlike the first, it wasn’t necessarily because they had to, but because they wanted to. And I think Vanya did that for them. 

Basically...I don’t know how to put it all into words without making this a 70-page thesis essay. But I love her and want the best for her.

(side note - I really also was impressed with Harlan. I was scared that somehow they were going to do something stupid with him, but he was adorable and I loved him. his character made me tear up a little, too. as someone who has close family with severe autism, it’s rare to see a show that doesn’t make an upsetting and non-accurate portrayal out of someone on the spectrum. but he was so precious and smart and good and Sissy loved him and dammit, I would die for that little family)

I’m ALSO curious if Vanya’s gonna visit Sissy ever? I mean I thought she would have at the end but obviously the cliffhanger didn’t leave room for that...idk know though because I think with multiverse theories and whatnot, she wouldn’t even know her but...eh.

KLAUS HARGREEVES…

I don’t actually have much to say on him, which is shocking because in Season One, I could have written a whole book on his character. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him! He’s still one of my favourites, and I wish I could just take away his pain because that boy deserves at least a kernel of good in his life. But truly, there’s just not much I know to say about him??

The scene in the restaurant with Dave and his uncle though hurt. What hurt more though was his nonchalant nature about it, because he’s been through that so many times and he almost expected it, which hurt. It’s expected and I knew he couldn’t just waltz up to Dave and confess his love and they’d be dandy, but as a queer person, it was a punch to the heart just watching him go through that.

I just want him to be happy someday, and bond with his siblings because there’s a deep sadness that lurks with Klaus, and maybe it’s from the actor too but there’s a melancholy that I relate to, which I hate because that melancholy is a heavy burden to carry. A worthlessness, and a deep depression that he’s seemed to have fallen into that’s a bitch to climb out of and I’m scared that he won’t be able to. He covers it up in funny gestures and vices but it’s still destroying him. Even the cult - he lacks any real love and he finds it in meaningless places, never remembering their names or anything about them and coming off as an asshole when really, he’s just looking for someone who truly cares about him, who he is on the inside and listens to him without yknow, becoming brainwashed and treating him like a god.

I’m interested to see where the show takes his character.

BEN HARGREEVES…

This show really said fuck my feelings on this one, huh???

EPISODE NINE MADE ME SO NUMB AND SAD AND JUST - FUCK.

I cried so hard when he got to save the day. He finally could do more than just follow Klaus around, and he finally got to be more than their dead brother. For so long, Ben was just an idea, a memory and I can only imagine the pain of having to deal with that. They touch on it in the show but it’s so much deeper than just being alone with only Klaus to talk to - I mean Ben was literally nothing, to any of the others, aside from being their dead brother. And when he finally got to save them, and save Vanya and fucking HUG HER AS HE PASSES ON TO THE AFTERLIFE….when I tell you I sobbed....

And his hug with Diego, how HAPPY they both were….the way that they both just….:’((

And that scene with young Klaus and Ben....Netflix when I said I wanted more Ben content I don’t know if I meant THIS.

At the same time...it was beautiful and bittersweet because he was happy, almost, moving on to his next life. He was able to do what he needed to and move on and that was beautiful. And, he got to say goodbye to at least some of his siblings, and so I can’t truly be sad about his passing. Even though it made me sob like a newborn babe.

But also...what the fuck was that ending?

And by that I mean, who the fuck signed off on that stupid lil’ haircut??? HUH???? WHY DID HE LOOK LIKE HE WAS WEARING FUCKING FAKE BANG-CLIPONS AOIHWGOIHWOIWHOIGWH

IN CONCLUSION. Fuck Reginald Hargreeves and also just FUCK.

In conclusion, I really loved this season. It ended happier than I expected and that makes me happy, so much more happy then I thought I would have been. TUA has been one of my favourite shows, and I’ve over the past while waiting for S2, developed several strong loves for these characters. More than I’ve ever cared about others. And for the most part, they were given the justice I hoped they would be.

Overall, I am happy. And I hope we get season three, almost entirely just so I can figure out if Ben Hargreeves is wearing fake-bang clip ons or not. And also...like for everything else.

Also, what the fuck is a Sparrow Academy? Whomst??? And where’s miss Lila?? And are they technically related and if so HUH?? And also...no rights to Mr Reginald.

This is such a messy summary, lmao.

But let me know what you think! I’m going to rewatch it soon, probably tonight and I’m so excited to fall even more in love with it. (and them)

#tua #tua spoilers #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy spoilers #diego hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #allison hargreeves #luther hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #lila pitts #raymond chestnut #umbrella academy

[theweasleysredhair]

thank you for tagging me my lovelies!! @whizbangs-78 @wand3ringr0s3 @ickle-ronniekins @starlightweasley ❤️❤️

Which of your fics...

...did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it got?

not necessarily that i thought it would get a bigger reaction bc i know it’s based around a sad topic but i was feeling angsty when i wrote in the darkness and am super proud of it even if it’s not done as well as my other fics!

...got a better reaction that you expected?

basically most of my fics tbh it always baffles me when they do well hahahah but i’d probably say breathless (i didn’t expect to do quite as well as it has?? like smuts tend to do well but this one shocked me) and crush!

...is your funniest?

ughhh idk most of my funny lines go to sirius being a lil shit hahaha maybe his and james’ teasing in crush or sirius in never just a friend. or maybe truth or dare which is possibly the worst thing i’ve ever written in recent times hahahaha oh dear

...is your darkest/angstiest?

i barely ever write pure angst so these are my angstiest i guess? decisions, decisions, or maybe so close? or in the darkness. n i suppose draco’s boggart and numb

...is your absolute favourite?

either distracted as it’s a fic that i managed to write nearly exactly how i imagined it in my head, or intoxicated bc i was just super proud of it idk. or how to steal a book (and a heart)

...is your least favourite?

wowowow like all of them tbh. nearly everything i’ve written before this year, and then truth or dare bc i have never regretted writing and posting something so much

...was the easiest to write?

bloody lovely - it was by far one of the easiest fics i’ve ever written. also how to steal a book (and a heart).

...was the hardest to write?

ironically, considering i absolutely adore george’s hands, in safe hands. just bc i wrote it in different sections and then pieced it together over like two weeks? i usually write fics in one sitting but that one took me a while to finish! and i had no idea how i wanted to end it either so that took time to work out

...has your favourite lines/exchange/paragraph? (share it)

this is a difficult one. maybe a couple a different ones:

i wish it was me

She was gorgeous, smart, funny, effortlessly cool. Everything you wished you were but afraid you’d never be. Everything you tried to be.

how to steal a book (and a heart)

“How touching,” you grumbled, running a hand through your hair and pulling your cloak further around yourself.

“I’ll touch you-“

“FRED!”

never just a friend

“Y/n?”

“James?”

"And I'm Sirius!" A proud voice said from the other side of the door, followed by the audible click of the lock.

...have you re-read the most?

i never re-read my own work, i don’t even proof read bc i’m too lazy and i just find my writing way too cringe hahaha but i’m glad yall like it!

...would you recommend to someone reading your work for the first time?

ughhh depends who you read for! despite apparently only writing for fred recently, i actually do write for lots of characters so umm... i guess:

i wish it was me // distracted // intoxicated // persistence is key // bloody lovely // always you // someday

tagging: @loony-loopy-lupinn @shadowsinger11 @acciotwinz and anyone else who would like to do this!!

#which of your fics #tag game #thank you for tagging me!! <3

[harrysdimples]

evermore track by track review (reaction?)

you know what time it is babieeeeeee......

willow

lovely little plucky guitar. I like the piano arrangement in the background. her vocals sound really lovely in the chorus and in the back of the second verse. i’m going to try and judge this as a separate project from folklore because it’s supposed to be just a complementary project but inevitably there will be comparisons. the 1 as an opening track is probably my preference over this I think on first listen. the bridge (?) is probably my favourite part of the song before the 90s trend line lol (just takes me out the song, kinda like the tweet line that’s in the lakes) but her vocals and how mature her voice sounds are just really light and airy and it’s nice to hear. but this is a lot more rhythmic than most of folklore which is something I appreciate and has enough dynamics so that you’re not bored, although the outro could’ve maybe been shortened a bit (but that’s a nitpicky thing lol). that’s her man!

ok I realised half way through happiness that I HAD PUT THE ALBUM ON SHUFFLE BY ACCIDENT WHICH IS BLASPHEMOUS AND SOMETHING I HATE DOING. I apologise sincerely lmao every song after this is in order with the album track list.

happiness

love a synth. ‘I can’t face reinvention’ ok bitch call me out ??? the lyrics are very lovely, as always. what’s/who’s this about ? lmao. it’s very pretty but not sure it’s going anywhere? more instrumentation could’ve maybe elevated this song just because I feel the lyrics are so flowery and beautiful that they deserve to either be in complete isolation (like from the dining table’s production) or some grandiose orchestral arrangement to properly show off how great and genuinely heartbreaking they are. I have no doubt at some point i’ll lie in the dark at some point and sob to this though loooool.

champagne problems 

ah bitch. the opening line already got me. again, the lyrics on this one are cutting me deep and I really like the production in the second half of the song, it really picks up the song when I was worried the production wasn’t going to be for me. the background vocals and harmonies are lovely. I think the lyricism of this song is so important and reminds me of what jack said in the long pond sessions about people with mental health issues never receiving proper recognition for just doing as okay as they can be because to other people, it’s either not enough or they just don’t get how difficult it is to maintain that level of ‘normalcy’. The idea of people dismissing things as ‘champagne problems’ is so poignant when you think of the fact that so many people disregard mental health issues until they’re directly affected by it in some way and treat others as outsiders/bad apples/something to only remember as a cautionary tale and to be forgotten otherwise. the numbness of trying to feel things (like going on the train) and participating in life and trying to believe that you deserve something good, a relationship, love etc but knowing that people are only waiting for you to fail so they can inevitably move on is so sad. my favourite out of the 3 tracks so far.

gold rush

good old jack antonoff production. girl how many people are wanting to get with joe ???? I really like the lyricism again, and the ‘what must it be like to grow up that beautiful’ bit kinda reminds of olivia’s instrumentation for some reason lol. I wish this hit a little harder because it’s on the precipice of greatness but doesn’t get quite there for me, kinda like the archer. loved the production, but I had anticipated it to have this big build up which it didn’t quite hit for me. I am listening to this currently at night with my blinds shut but I know that when it’s in the daytime/sun this will sound so good, so i’m excited to replay this one. update: it’s the next day and I LOVE this.

tis the damn season

hm. this one was pretty middling for me i’m ngl. I don’t think i’ve had enough love/life experience to really relate to this that much (which isn’t taylor or the song’s fault obvs) but I found it hard to ~connect to and the production didn’t really excite me enough to feel too passionate about it. very much enjoyed the “So I'll go back to L.A. and the so-called friends, Who'll write books about me, if I ever make it” line though lol!

tolerate it

I really like this. really encapsulated the feeling of trying your hardest to meet someone’s expectations of you/your relationship and fitting yourself into parameters to suit their needs/what they want and yet you’re still considered on the outskirts of their life. Trying desperately to make that person care as much as you do for them, but in reality your actions just further the reasons why they don’t want you and why your actions are ignored/silently belittled. Feels like this is a good companion piece to a lot of the folklore tracks and could’ve fitted on that album yet is still different enough to stand out. will def be coming back to this.

no body, no crime (feat. HAIM)

ok so taylor’s having her before he cheats moment?? someone should be working on a mashup asap. you know i’m a sucker for country yeehaw bops so i’ll definitely be playing this on repeat lol, so far probably the most upbeat track along with gold rush and this is probably my favourite track so far. the storytelling through the lyricism is fabulous and I really love the little production elements like danielle saying “she was with me dude” lol, I don’t have a lot of experience/references for “real” country music so if this is a little corny idk but I like it anyway lmao

dorothea

this was a sweet song, might be completely off the mark with this interpretation, but I sort of viewed this as taylor speaking to her younger self and telling her how she can always go back to who she was after becoming too enchanted with fame and the troubles that come with it/experiencing the consequences of fame, and that inevitably it’ll be okay in the end. a nice reassuring, pleasant song. not sure how much replay value it’ll have for me personally but I appreciate it :’)

coney island feat. the national

I like this for the most part. I think it’ll be a grower but I can see this moving up in my ranks once I listen to it a bit more. the second half of the song after the bridge is definitely better than the first and I really like it, but the first half isn’t my favourite. I think within some of the lyrics there are some clunky lines and I’m not sure how well the dueting partner works (idk if that’s aaron dessner or someone else?) but I think another softer (?) male voice could’ve gone better with it, or just taylor herself. the instrumentation and production on this song is fantastic though and I really love the bridge (although the idea of joe and taylor coming together to write about all of taylor’s exes makes me lol)

ivy:

the chord progression really reminds me of like 80% of folklore and idk if this track was “necessary” even though she’s perfectly entitled to her art obvs. but in the context of the album idk if this was needed, probably the most filler-like of all of them so far (for me personally). it’s sort of like a long poem to me and the subject matter of infidelity is always interesting when taylor covers it, but idk, this didn’t do too much for me on first listen

cowboy like me

this feels like a movie or video game soundtrack song, I always appreciate a good guitar solo and the instrumentation in this song is great. I don’t know how much this goes anywhere until the bridge but I love the line “now you hang from my lips, like the gardens of babylon, with your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con”. I think this has the potential to be a major grower on me though purely bc of how melodic it is and how “vibey” it is.

long story short

yeah this wasn’t really for me. I can appreciate it’s objectively a well produced song with some good lyrics, it just didn’t really click for me sadly upon first listen.

marjorie

yeah so this made me sob. as some of you may know I lost my grandma two weeks ago suddenly so...yeah, this song just really hit me. this is a beautiful track.

closure

what is going on here on this day lmao? reaaaaaaallly not a fan of the production and the synthetic (?) drums that were used on this track and I don’t think the use of repetition in the chorus’ lyricism really works that well here. idk it just feels a little unfinished to me

evermore feat. bon iver

I think this is too lyrically dense for my brain to properly intake after the long road it took to get to this track lol so I think i’ll need some time with it. I don’t think bon iver’s addition works as well as exile but I like the second half of the song which he’s in, in comparison to the first half, it does kinda feel like two songs put into one though. taylor’s vocals sound nice though. 

in conclusion:

favourites: tolerate it, gold rush, champagne problems, no body, no crime, marjorie

in between/grower: cowboy like me

meh: tis the damn season, willow, doreathea, evermore

didn’t really like: ivy, long story short, closure

I feel like i’m going to be crucified for saying this but this feels like a lover-fied version of folklore ajfkhsas if that makes ANY sense to anyone but my own brain. I said when I did this same kind of post for folklore that the album did what the concept for lover tried to do (the love letter to different kinds of love) 10x better and I was happy to see this kind of direction from her. I still love folklore and I think it’s a true piece of art and it ranks high in my tiers of taylor albums, but this just kinda misses the mark for me for the most part (on first listen). It’s very lyrically dense, which is nice, but much less accessible than folklore to me in terms of melodies and the overall structure of some of the songs, which is again, fine, but not necessarily what I had anticipated going into this album and generally usually isn’t my thing. for all that i’ve said about jack’s production in some songs on previous albums of taylor’s, his presence here is missed imo. I’ve expressed that I don’t particularly enjoy long albums because eventually the flow of the album is lost, and that is true here. around the ivy/long story short stretch it kinda loses ground which is a shame because there is some beautiful lyricism in there, but it’s even more susceptible to risking being brought down by the sequencing when it’s a sister album to another project and will end up being compared to that and the tracks there. given the style of music this is in, the fact that it’s a sister album and so long, it’s got a lot against it and I don’t know if it manages to overcome those hurdles for me personally. It’s like what harry said about sequencing, the track listing is so important imo to the purpose and arc of the album that you want to tell and I feel like there could’ve been a lot more “editing” of this project to make it stand up to the highs of folklore imo, or potentially editing down folklore to combine it with some of the really strong tracks on evermore like goldrush, no body no crime etc. I don’t know if the narrative of this album is unique enough to stand against folklore and some of taylor’s other albums for me. I will be returning to these songs for sure, but the sequencing and overall structure of this album kinda lets it down. I can’t help but ponder if this album will age well in comparison to folklore, or both albums will age well with the narrative fuelling it being created in quarantine and as a product of boredom. if folklore wins AOTY at the grammys (which it seems it’s secured to at this point), it’s going to be tied to the “corona year” so it’ll be interesting to see where these projects end up and how well received they are in years to come vs taylor’s other projects and how they’ve aged. we’ll see! i’d probably give it a 7.5/10 in comparison to the 9/10 for folklore. 

#ruth rambles #taylor swift

[donnerpartyofone]

idk if you've talked about it, probably have. but if you don't mind to again, ketamine injections for depression? did it work? was it expensive? how long did it work for? ty.

dang, i never got a notification for this message. sorry! ketamine absolutely worked for the management of my depression, it was very expensive, and i think i would have needed more for it to become a longer term solution. i may still go back in the future if my lifestyle changes, but for right now, i can’t justify the cost--which is an insane thing to say when what i’m paying for is freedom from hurting myself, but, ya know, CAPITALISM. 

the whole story is, i’ve been severely depressed my whole entire life; i don’t have any memories that don’t involve feeling morbidly upset, and i can remember things pretty sharply from the time i was slightly younger than 2.* i took ketamine recreationally some years ago when i was around 30 (i wasn’t adventurous about substances until i reached about that age), and i was totally astounded by how it affected my depression both during, and for weeks after the experience. it seemed to distance me from the oppressively immediacy of my bad feelings, giving me space to actually THINK about what was really bothering me, what kind of control i could have over how i assign importance and authority to things that don’t serve me, and what i might like my life to be like in the future. so, when i found out that there were ketamine clinics in new york, i kind of freaked out. actually, i found out about it from a guy who i met on an ayahuasca retreat upstate (which is its own hilariously mortifying story that i’ve been trying to write down for years and it keeps turning into a big unwieldy novel), who had been through the entire gamut of treatments for major depressive disorder. he liked his ketamine experience, but admitted that it was prohibitively expensive to keep up.

this is the place i went, and i recommend it to anyone who can afford it:

nyketamine.com

they say that they accept patients selectively, if you have treatment-resistant depression. i don’t know how strict they are about that, because by the time i came to them, i was looking pretty treatment-resistant. i’d been in and out of a few shrinks’ offices, and i’m basically incapable of taking any of the usual antidepressants because of how they affect other conditions i have. the process was, i filled out a request form on their website, and in a day or two, a clinician called to interview me over the phone about the character of my depression, and to gather some other anecdotal information about my history and health. the person i spoke to was very kind, attentive, and reassuring. the following day, someone called to set my first appointment. the whole reason i was able to do this is because of some inheritance that i received at the time; it’s $450 a session, and they suggest (or insist? i’m not sure) that you begin with a minimum of 6 sessions, each of them 2 days apart. after that, you just kind of monitor yourself to see when you think you need pickup sessions; the effect is cumulative and long term. i have no idea if they have any type of sliding scale accommodation, it could be worth asking.

when i went in for my first session, i had a brief interview with the head doctor, a navy veteran and anesthesiologist who had been working with ketamine in various capacities for 50 years. he explained a lot of things that i had no idea about, that were great to learn. periods of prolonged stress, especially while your brain is still developing, can result in a deficit of the neural pathways that you need to experience a full range of emotion; essentially, being chronically depressed and anxious can kind of give you brain damage. if you have that type of problem, it doesn’t matter what you do to try to boost your serotonin or dopamine or whatever; it’s like if you’re trying to get somewhere in your car and you can’t, not because you’re out of gas, but because the bridge is out. for some reason, ketamine switches back on the function that builds those pathways, so with regular therapeutic applications, you can actually heal the structural problem around your mood centers that’s reducing your emotional range to anxiety and depression. if you’re over 60 or so and your brain is less plastic, your chances of success aren’t as good as when you’re younger, but there’s always a chance; also, for some reason, ketamine plays especially well with estrogen, so women have a bit of a leg up. anyway, the doctor was great, and i really liked everyone there; it felt like they all knew they were doing something meaningful.

the sessions themselves are pleasant. they put you in a private room in a big cushy medical chair with a blanket and a pillow, and you let them know if you want the lights on or off. they give you an IV drip that lasts roughly an hour, and they communicate with you to figure out the dosage. you basically just tell them what feels comfortable, if the dosage they start you on is too low to notice. you won’t get something that puts you in a K hole, but you should enter a gentle dissociative state where you feel a little numb and floaty, and you might have a lot of interesting abstract thoughts. the worst part of it is just how bad you have to pee by the time the drip is done, when you’re still feeling a little anesthetized; sometimes i wound up looking at the bag with my flashlight to check if i had finished, and then i’d just press the call button to get them to come unplug me before i pissed my pants.

you’re not supposed to necessarily notice a difference right away, but you should detect a change in mood after a few weeks. i did. the way my disorder works is, most days i just have a low level background radiation of sadness and exhaustion, even on a “good day” when things are working out or i’m distracted by things i enjoy. when i wake up in the morning and realize i’m conscious and the time for sleep is over, my first feeling is disappointment, 100% of the time. then, i’d say roughly once a month or once every couple of months, i have a complete nervous collapse where i’m in so much pain i can’t really do anything but like drool and cry and let my eyes go out of focus, for anywhere from 1-7 days. there will usually be an apparent trigger; i’m a fairly dysfunctional person, and i frequently lose things, break things, and fuck things up even though i like STUDIED to do them, took it slow, asked for help, gave myself extra time, etc. but the thing is, i think the “trigger” is arbitrary, this is just a cyclic psychic event that builds up and waits to happen. but after my first battery of ketamine treatments, i had a particular day when i could tell that normally, i would quickly wind up curled up at the bottom of my bathtub scream-crying until i couldn’t move--and this time, i managed to just push through. not only did i not break down, but i actually got a number of difficult chores done, that i had put off because they seemed too intimidating, or like i wouldn’t be able to mentally handle my inevitable failure. i noticed more and more of that, while i was in proximity to the treatments, an ability to just buckle down and keep going. so it’s not like i felt HAPPIER or something, but i felt much more capable of coping, which was like a miracle honestly.

it’s been about 3.5 months since i last went in, and i think i could use a booster appointment, but as i said i just can’t fit it in with my financial reality right now. so, that sucks. but, i definitely feel that it was worth doing, and i would recommend it to anyone who can shoulder the cost. hopefully in the future, ketamine will become a much more common psychiatric treatment, and it will become available to more and more patients.

*A friend of mine just told me he read somewhere that you don’t actually recall memories from like 20 years ago, you just remember the last time you recalled them--so like, i THINK i remember my parents struggling to give me drops for pink eye in our first apartment when i was about 1.5 years old, but in reality, i just remember the last time i remembered it, or the earliest time i’m able to remember remembering it. pretty interesting! and kind of disturbing, like the idea that star trek-type teleporters don’t actually transport a person, they just DESTROY the original person and rebuild a new one on the other end, a thought that REALLY BOTHERS ME.

[of-apples]

i’m spending way too much time thinking of a good way to start this so fuck it! here we go! this messy little binch is maisie, aka pandora’s box, aka who?? aka does she even speak english?? aka oh actually if she could stop talking that would be great!! so yeah this is my child, just your regular art hoe/sad girl dumpster fire with anger Issues™ and daddy Issues™ please love her

(tw for abandonment, mental illness, death, substance use/sort of abuse)

-ok remember that time i said she has daddy issues? part 1 of that story is that her father left her and her mother when she was a baby, so that’s a super fun start to life! she grew up in park forest, illinois just south of chicago with her mom and grandmother. she was a quiet little kid who like to draw and use play-doh and play make-believe. she never had a lot of friends and she never really minded. like i guess she did sometimes? but she was mostly content to do her own thing or hang out with like one of four friends that she had

-she grew up into the weird art kid we all were knew. maisie never really spoke unless spoken to because being assertive was the worst thing in the world. and its kind of hard to make friends when you don't start conversations with people. but she had books! books were her friends! (and also a few friends, but books are more fun). but yeah that’s kind of the gist of young maisie, painfully shy and obsessed with art and reading/writing. also a nervous wreck but painting and writing helped with that.

-anyway if we’re just doing the dirty deets, then really the next thing you need to know is daddy issues part two: he’s dead! he died when she was sixteen, he didn’t tell her mom he was dying even though he knew he was and then he just fucking died and maisie was like ...i never met my dead dad what the FUCK (except she whispered it because my girl swears like a sailor but only under her breath). and her fun little ball of anxiety turned into a fun ball of anxiety and depression and she started being a little bit of a dick to her family, but only because she was sad and confused and feeling things she didn’t understand (like anger)

-and this was right around the time she was like... i guess i don’t matter? and i just want people to love me? literally anyone will do! and that is my simple way of saying sis does not care like 99% of the time if people treat her right, she does not think highly enough of herself to have any sort of standards

-and then, as she was retreating deeper into her little shell and screaming “what the fuck am i supposed to do now, universe?” her fuckin mom died. like just over a year later. she was a senior in high school. and now one of the two people she was closest two in the world was dead and she was an orphan so thats shitty. and then maisie said “you know what universe, you can go FUCK yourself” and that time she actually yelled the fuck part because life doesn’t matter, clearly. (also, technically she was an orphan but she does have her grandmother, an actual saint. we love you kuia!)

-aaand this is when her anger issues started! which makes sense, she had reason to be mad. but not necessarily at the things she ended up being mad at. which was usually other people. (who kind of deserved it? usually? just not to the degree of mad she gets) like in her defense, she usually gets mad at people when they repeat the same shitty behavior, act like a dick to her or someone she cares about, or acts like a dick to anyone really, or when they say or do something really fucked. but that’s not always the case. sometimes they accidentally cut ahead of her in line at bean me up (what? she was under caffeinated) or they took the last beer at a party (she was thirsty??) (she doesn’t only get mad at people for beverage-related things, those are just the examples that came to mind). anyway. she goes from 0 to 100 real quick, and let me please remind you that this girl does not speak unless spoken to and hates assertiveness so people around her are like???? who the fuck is this bitch??  and let’s just say the people she went to high school with don’t love her. she’s still like that at covington but she can control it more, and she actually talks to people sometimes, so it’s not quite as jarring

-ok i’m getting super tired so the rest is rapid fire: ya girl is a visual arts major, creative writing minor in her 3rd year. if you want to find her, she’ll be in the library. she actually parties a fair amount now, because substances help numb the pain and make it easier to talk to people. (healthy behavior! yay). to the few people who actually know her, she is extremely sweet and loyal. she’s pretty much always listening to music. she’s left handed and the side of her hand is pretty much always covered in ink. her favorite color is purple. she’s bisexual as fuck. there is paint on all of her clothes. she smells like an art supply store, which is often not a good thing. (although she is obsessed with this apricot moisturizer that kind of helps mask the paint fumes, idk why I'm sharing this but now you know!) classic nose in a book type person. journals every day. doodles in every class, even the ones she loves and pays attention to. always carries a book. honestly a lot of this boils down to the fact that i originally called her a manic pixie nightmare and that is a pretty accurate description. 

-i feel like i’m missing stuff but i need to SLEEP. i won’t be on a lot in the next few days because i’m living that retail life and it’s almost christmas, but tomorrow night i’ll try to read everyone’s intros and send out plotting messages. in the meantime you should hit me up!! i want all the plots

-oh and she didn’t really know melanie? like at all? but melanie lived with griffin/the wolf in sheep’s clothing, who maisie is dating, so she knew of her. and also they were born on the same day. (birthday triplets with lucrezia!). please forgive my tired ass is this whole thing is a mess!

and here’s her full bio if you want to ignore how the page looks and read a lil more about her!

#covintro #idk if thats the tag but i think it is so I'm rolling with it

[lucysweatslove]

Day 37 // To bask in my tiny bit of light

Seasonal depression's got me sleeping off the days And I've wasted all my time feeling grey When the sun peaks out, I sit outside To bask in my tiny bit of light To warm the cold that I feel inside

“Seasonal Depression” - mxmtoon

Do you ever feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time? Like, you think there’s SO MUCH to say that you don’t know what to start, but as you sit down to try to start, there’s nothing to say? Maybe a lot seemed to have happened, but in the end, things just happened, nothing was actually noteworthy. No strong emotions.

Today is one of those days. I don’t feel sad, uninspired, angry, or confused. I’m not explicitly happy, but I’m not unhappy either. I do have depression, which is managed, and this feeling isn’t like that depression either. It’s like, no feeling, but not even numb. I still feel when things happens; I just don’t think of it as anything important necessarily.

I think perhaps this month has just been a whirlwind of emotions. With Husband’s family drama, I’ve gotten particularly exhausted. Not immune to the emotions, just enough fatigued to put my normal emotions into perspective and think they’re kinda not big enough to share.

So I want to say no, I do not have SAD or seasonal depression like the song lyrics; I just related to the last bit but wanted the poetry effect today.

Today, my tiny bit of light was, ironically, the gym (ironic because it was pitch black when I got there and STILL DARK when I left). Some dudebro was in the little section I use to lift, so I have to move my barbell to another clearning not intended for weights. It was awkward trying to do deads without a mirror. I moved back when he left, and then I had my moment of light. After checking my form for the first rep or two, I usually will close my eyes for the remaining of the set as I can use how my body feels (proprioception) to guide my form. I just zone out. I do this while on the AMT too. For me, this is like a moment of basking in the sunlight and warming whatever hostility I may be harboring.

4:30 will always be just a touch too early though.

When I got home from work, I started cooking dinner and then my best friend called in tears, so she came over (obvi).  Long story short, friend drama.  I don’t understand how some people have those close friends for life. Hopefully Best Friend and I will be. Honestly, any of my past friends who pick up with me at any time, so I know that even if we go months without talking I’ll always be her friend and be there for her; I made the mistake with my old childhood friend of not being there for her when she started engaging in activity I disagreed with, and after seeing her spiral years later and feeling so powerless, I decided that from then on, once somebody is my friend, I will always be there. So I don’t understand when people make a different choice. I won’t let myself be around certain actions/things, and I’ll call my friends out, but I will never again choose to entirely cut somebody out of my life. And when it comes to my best friend, I may not agree at all with some of her life choices, and I may decide not to be around her at some times when she makes those choices, but that doesn’t mean I ignore her or stop talking. It’s more of a, “I’m not comfortable around [this thing]; please be safe” and then I text the next thing that reminds me of them or whatever. Or if it’s very unsafe, I’ll just call it out. Once I love you, I’m gonna love you. So I don’t understand when people “fade away” from each other and make no effort, nor desire to make an effort, to reconnect. I see the pain it causes and for me it’s just like... be honest and if there’s a total disagreement, fine, but otherwise most of the time things can be salvaged. Like okay, you don’t like when somebody smokes... so you make an effort to do things when they aren’t smoking. And you talk about your concerns. And recognize autonomy. And be honest about the problems. And then fix them.

Idk maybe I’m just weird in that way, but I truly hope to be a light in somebody else’s gray. I can’t fix it. I’m not the sun. But I can be a small amount of light as they pass through the tunnel.... enough warmth to get them through the cold and maybe even help them find the sun again (and when appropriate, help lead them that way). It’s not my sadness or anger to feel, but I still feel it in empathy, and sometimes that’s the tiny bit of light needed.

#lucy rambles #journal

[mekabound]

TALON HANA,, how does she refer to the ppl she used to know ? her old job ? im sowwy im mobile rn so i cant check if u updated verses w it, but does she still have tokki or similiar ? does she still work as many hours on it? if she has it, does it bring more bad memories than reassurance, and if she doesnt have it, does she ever miss it? HOW OLD IS SHE how much time did she fight a losing battle. does joining talon give her some sense of peace ? !

OOF pulling out the big questions right at the start i see

     hana probably goes out of her way to avoid seeing people from her past, ESPECIALLY if she was close to them. she tries to avoid thinking or talking about them, but first and foremost, she misses them, but she also feels contempt when they’re brought up, finding their efforts to restore and keep busan afloat to be stupid and naive. now that she’s gone, someone else is probably in the spotlight, and she can only feel bitter cynicism, because she knows how that’ll end. she knows how that’ll always end. still, though, on some days, when she isn’t angry or mourning or totally numb, she’ll think of them with a sad, wistful smile on her face.

      as for her old job at meka? oh, she hates it. she hates hates hates it. she hates the stupid division for taking a bunch of children and throwing them to the frontlines to die, hates them for taking literal teenagers and putting them in a position they weren’t even willing to put trained veterans in. it’s one of the main sources for her rage bc that!! wasn’t fair!!!!!!

     she left the original tokki behind at the hangar when she fled, bc she had to leave in disguise, but i imagine with talon’s vast resources and hana’s knowledge of tokki, they were probably able to get her the materials required to rebuild tokki from scratch, give or take a few features, with help from actual mechanics and stuff. she likely doesn’t break it as often, not really needing it, but it brings her equal parts comfort and pain. often when she’s agitated and can’t, like, fight or train, she’ll disassemble and reassemble parts of it just for the familiarity of it all.

     i imagine she’d be in her early twenties in this verse! maybe… 21-23? i mean if it only takes one mistake, how long can anyone expect her to keep it up? she’s one girl against constantly-evolving omnics with the ability to update and expand their knowledge of her when she can barely do anything. all it would take is for her to have to go against them alone, and for them to overpower her, and boom, that’s it.

     joining talon doesn’t put her at peace, necessarily, but it’s better than meka, in her opinion. the people may not always be nice or positive or all that safe to be around, but they still treat her like a goddamn person, not an idol, not a war hero, and most of all, not d.va. moira might sometimes give her something to help, like. idk. handle her emotions? keep the memories away? keep her on talon’s side? something like what i think she does with widowmaker, idk. you know what i’m trying to say.       

#verse g — talon #meta tag

[mihanada]

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

(back to masterpost)

I’m not ready for this.

Also, this chapter is so long, but I don’t have that much to say because I was mostly screaming softly the entire time.

Chapter 59: Poisons (Part 4)

“Wei WuXian felt his heart skip a beat...”

My heart skipped several beats during this chapter, you little idiots! Seriously, it was excruciatingly sad reading these two blunder through the aftermath.

lool I love how Wen Chao is, like, trying to placate her but he also is completely unsympathetic to her whining about Wen Zhuliu who is honestly far more valuable to the cause than this girl.

“What could happen if he’s gone?”

like, damn, he’s on your side you know. also, get the hint that Wen Chao doesn’t care what you have to say about him!

aah I see what they’re doing with this guy’s character. Still, he has that scary title that Jiang Cheng never got a chance to explain...

Still, apparently he has limits. No disgracing the dead! One of those loyal warrior types. Granted, he fights for the bad side here, but there should be limits even the villains won’t cross or else they really will turn into nothing but canon fodder who you feel zero sympathy for and exist only to cause trouble then die. We have enough of those already in Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao, thank you very much.

It’s not like they’re not realistic in their horribleness, but they suck.

“He wondered if they could look at each other one last time, if Jiang FengMian had the chance to tell Madam Yu one more sentence.”

stooop my heart can’t take this

I really wonder how the hell the Jiang Sect managed to come back from this.

“Like a blade doused in poison, it cut into their ears and their hearts again and again and again.”

Nice description.

JIANG CHEEEENG.

those are my entire thoughts regarding this chapter.

poor kids.

I really like how the author wrote their grief over what just happened though, it all flows well despite how much you want to scream at these two to get as far away as possible and don’t even think of going back!

Even Jiang Cheng pulling Lan Wangji out as a way to vent his grief and find someone to blame things on, or yelling at Wei Wuxian even though he knows that in the end it’s the Wen Sect’s fault.

“Hugging his right hand, he pressed Zidian onto his chest where his heart was, feeling over and over again the only remnant of his family that was left.”

Wait. Is this.

Is this why he strokes the ring when he gets extremely angry. I mean, the reason behind the action is slightly different in each situation but both times it happens when he is extremely emotional.

“However, Jiang Cheng was gone.”

I kind of screamed at this part.

It’s like, what can you really expect in the state he was in, but also: you idiot why did you go back.

“For the first time, he discovered how little his power was. In front of something as large as the QishanWen Sect, it was the same as a mantis trying to stop a chariot.”

This chapter is interesting, because adversity builds character!! sort of kidding, but not really because this is the first time we get to see Wei Wuxian truly at a loss, nothing has gone right, and there isn’t anything he can do.

The helplessness and rollercoaster of emotions are really well written I’m just crying over here you can feel the grief they feel, when they’re just numb I’m screaming at them to keep going...

“Wei WuXian’s eyes felt so warm that he was about to tear up again.”

I also like this, how the grief comes in waves. It hits them hard the night they left Lotus Pier, turned to numbness, and now it comes back in bursts.

“He rejected the thought at once and his grip tightened, “Don’t play any tricks!”

This part made me oddly happy. Because, for once, the protagonist doesn’t immediately believe the words of someone he should regard as an enemy. He thinks for a second, it could be someone I know...? but then he does the logical thing and rejects that idea.

After a traumatic event, being hypervigilant is not strange but expected.

“Maybe he’s hidden something inside his mouth and he’s prepared to spit it out?”

idk if you’re being serious here, Wei Wuxian, or if it’s the fatigue and delirium talking but even if I was an evil cultivator, I probably wouldn’t be walking around with a weapon ready inside my mouth. just saying.

“The boy seemed a bit disappointed, “I… I’m Wen Ning.”

lol poor Wen Ning, but you know, Wei Wuxian only ever heard your courtesy name...saying your name won’t help him remember you if your face didn’t do it.

“Wen Ning was so scared that flinched within Wei WuXian’s grip, as if wanting to roll into a ball with his hands around his head. He whispered, “Yes… Yeah.”

ok, if you didn’t already know something about Wen Ning’s character you wouldn’t necessarily feel as bad but. Poor timid Wen Ning.

Hey, he doesn’t stutter in the present timeline, does he...?

“He had never been someone with bloodlust. But after his sect had been destroyed, wrath and hatred had pooled within him in the past few days. The extremity of the situation didn’t allow him to take any kindness along with him. If his right hand clenched up, he could snap Wen Ning’s neck in half at once!”

sorry Wen Ning but I do like the flash of killing intent here.

like I said: realistic

He knows who Wen Ning is now, he saw his timid character and how he seems nice now, but right after their sect was slaughtered just last night? His distrust is going to last a bit longer than usual.

“Wei WuXian’s voice was harsh, “Follow your orders? Follow your orders and kill people?”

THERE IT IS AGAIN. god, I love this author.

also, I’m surprised that Wen Ning has people who will listen to him. I guess the Wen Sect really is large.

“The scary thing was that a desperate ecstasy really did sprout from somewhere in the bottom of his heart.

He gave himself a harsh scolding in silence—he was stupid, useless, ridiculous, it was bizarre, unimaginable.

He wasn’t scared of death. He was only scared that after he died, he wouldn’t be able to save Jiang Cheng and betray the trust that Jiang FengMian and Madam Yu left him.”

D: don’t beat yourself up for hoping there’s still a chance, some good in people’s hearts!

I have a lot of feelings about Wei Wuxian and his self-sacrificing, self-deprecating, self-sabotaging traits.

flashback within a flashback lol

“Wei WuXian was speechless. He felt his chin, Am I really so charming? So charming that I scared him away?”

lol, no Wei Wuxian. get a hold of yourself.

poor Wen Ning, his social anxiety is strong.

“These Wen Sect’s… archery skills are the same level of bad.”

lol so they aren’t good at everything

Wen Qionglin! Finally, Wen Ning’s courtesy name appears! It’s rarely used though, like Jiang Cheng’s Jiang Wanyin.

“If anyone in the QishanWen Sect could find some face for you all, he’d be the one.”

haha its nice to have some light humor in such dark chapters

“Wei WuXian pointed at him, “There, this one, for example, he’s not as good as you.”

Jiang Cheng raged, “Do you want to die?!”

lool casually throwing Jiang Cheng under a bus there as usual

“Wei WuXian encouraged him a couple of times and touched on a few areas of growth, correcting some miniscule problems that he had when he was shooting in the garden.”

Heey, teacher Wei Wuxian making an early appearance! He really is good at it, surprisingly.

“He spat as he dragged, “See how you shoot? Do you think that you’re a model or something?!”

Wei WuXian thought for a moment before replying, “Yeah. Am I not?”

“Wei WuXian! I haven’t seen anyone as shameless as you!”

omg Wei Wuxian never change, never change.

he actually thought for a moment though! as if he considered it!

“The second day, they had arrived in Yiling.”

Wait. Yiling? We’re finally going to Yiling? ooh...

(quotes from ExR’s translations)

← back・onward →

#gdc aka the liveblog of TEARS

[fantasymouse]

His Tears

BTS monster!AU, V/Taehyung x reader

He’s a monster, yet he loves you more than life itself. He's likely going to be the death of you... But he’d be worth the pain... Wouldn’t he?

NOTE: Angst (idk?)

I’m also writing this right after having watched Tear ‘Singularity’... (I was inspired by the sound/music/vibe) To be honest, I am wrecked!! Tae is my bias and i was NOT ready for 3 minutes of his deep, honey like voice I AM SHOOK!!  (0///0)

As darkness envelops the room, he can’t help but admire your features. Only  moonlight illuminates your soft figure in a silvery, light blue hue. As you sleep peacefully in your bed, he gently brushes his long fingers over the exposed skin of your arm, his path leading to your face.

He trails his cold hand against the warmth of your neck, tracing the edge of your jawline, his knuckles ghosts across your cheek where he gently traces the bridge of your nose, down to your soft lips. While pressing his thumb against your bottom lip, his dark eyes find yours... You had woken at some point, although he couldn’t tell for how long you'd been awake or how much you had witnessed of him admiring every detail of you. Truthfully he was startled and he’d never show it, but your pure eyes sent a chill up his spine. Causing goosebumps to appear along his tan skin. Still, he doesn’t falter in holding your strong gaze.

Even when you seem to be half-asleep you hold such power over him. Even if he wanted to look away, he couldn’t and wouldn’t. He can almost see his own reflection in your hazy eyes as you finally break the intense silence. 

“Taehyung... What are you doing?” 

Your voice is soft, yet it holds a certain rough edge from being woken at such a late hour. And even though his heart is beating wildly, hearing your mild voice whisper his name, makes it feel like it stopped altogether. Your lips tug up slightly, the shadow of a smile on your face. Like so many other nights, that seem much like this one, he’s at a loss for words. He didn’t think you’d ever be able to grasp, just how hard it was for him to answer that simple question.  

What was he doing? Someone like him, daring to dream of someone like you. A creature who only knew darkness, destruction and death, looking at a human so dearly, so preciously as if you might break into a million pieces if he ever looked away. 

Taehyung’s past had left him cold. As if he was buried under a thick layer of ice, only feeling a cold numbness across his entire body. The moment you entered his life everything changed. His heart started to pump blood through his body once again and every single one of your loving touches, melted the ice away and replaced it with a burning passion. Making him feel almost... human. Without thinking further he slowly rolls over you, holding himself up so that his weight doesn’t crush you. Taehyung starts to lean down and as his nose touches yours he whispers.

“Loving you...”

His deep, velvety voice is like a soft song. A song only you are allowed to hear and drown in. His plump lips touch yours in a sweet kiss. You take notice of just how etherial he looks in this moment. Brown hair messy and hanging over his dark eyes, that reflect the moonlight in a way that makes them twinkle. Mischief is glinting dangerously in the depths of his black eyes, yet you catch the same sadness from so long ago hiding somewhere alongside it. You raise your hand and hold against his cheek, gently brushing your thumb against his cheekbones below his left eye. Silence always seemed so loud when you are together. It isn’t necessarily uncomfortable but you both know everything you wish and long to say lingers in the air. It felt like being surrounded by a thousand roses. The velvety petals brushing against you, while the thorns constrict your body with a stinging sensation. Or maybe it wasn’t the silence... Maybe it was all him. His need to please you, his boxy smile and laughter like red petals and his true nature the thorns that dig into your side as a painful reminder of who he used to be and what he still is, no matter how much you both try to ignore it. Either way, you seemed like a masochist didn’t you? Knowingly trapping yourself together with a monster, a beast so dangerous that he’d most likely be the death of you.

“Don’t cry”

A sentence you seemingly always have to say on nights like these. No matter how stoic his expression or how good his mask is made. Taehyung’s eyes always portray the violent storm of emotion and thought that thunders within his own mind. A black tear falls from his cheek and lands on you. An inky path created by the rouge drop of bottled emotion. You place both hands on either side of his face, caressing him and nuzzling your face into his neck. He returns the gesture and pulls you closer to his chest, by wrapping his arms around your waist. He was muttering incoherent whispers of “I’m sorry” and “I love you so much” If you weren’t so close to each other, you probably wouldn’t be able to hear any of it. You feel yourself tremble as he takes a shaky breath, your vision starts to get blury and the shadows around the room seem to grow more black by the second. 

He was losing control of his power, that strong willpower that he prided himself on is slowly slipping from within. He quickly regained his composure, barely allowing you to realize it had even slipped. The thought brought you back to when the two of you both met. Even then Taehyung was a ticking time bomb, feigning control and power, when in truth he was a black hole of chaos with nothing to keep him in check.

The night was almost exactly like this one. Quiet although holding a promise of mystery and an eerie sense of safety. For the longest time you’d been alone, almost forgotten how it felt to have anyone needing you. You had felt a strange presence in the house for a couple of weeks now, even though you are human you could still pick up on the mysterious shift in air. It felt stifling but only because you couldn’t identify from where or what it came from. You figured it might be something... Less than normal, less than human. This small hunch was right. As on that fateful night, there he was. Standing in your living room, wearing black pants, shoes and shirt, his face covered by a simple white mask. You should have been afraid, terrified even... But you weren’t. You felt oddly secure in his presence. It was clear he wasn’t human, that was never a secret. It was easy to tell when the shadows around him seemed to warp and distort in unnatural ways. Taehyung seemingly had the ability to warp the world around him if he wanted or change it to how he saw fit. If it was intentional or not is up to debate. You vividly remember the first couple of weeks where he stayed with you. how Taehyung would tilt his head in confusion whenever you did something he deemed interesting or couldn’t decipher. He didn’t speak. No matter what you did, he wouldn’t say a thing. You had known each other for months by then and he had never uttered a word. Sure you had slowly grown accustomed to his silence but you were bordering insanity because of how curious you’d gotten.

Thinking back on it now, it seemed ridiculous that you were so desperate to hear something many would consider ordinary or didn’t matter that much. But you could sense he had a voice, simply refusing to use it. Maybe he’d forgotten how to use it. He never told you.. The first time you heard his voice was also the first time you truly saw his face. You were both relaxing besides each other, when you asked him a question and he made no move to answer you. In return you sat up and stared at him trying to figure out if he was actually asleep or if he had decided to ignore you suddenly. A few minutes later it became clear that you were staring quite intently on his mask. He had indeed fallen asleep, his brown eyes nowhere to be seen, beneath the dark eyeholes in his mask. Curiosity got the better of you, ever so gently you lifted the mask from his face and was stunned by his beauty. Honestly you half expected him to be hideous beneath it. Surely he wore it to conceal something? But this? You couldn’t fathom why he’d ever try to hide anything so perfect. He slowly opened his eyes and when Taehyung woke up from his quick slumber he was surprised to say the least. To find you hovering above him, with his precious mask used to conceal himself in your small hands. He voiced his confusion by uttering your name with a slightly inquisitive tone. Your heart skipped several beats, so surprised by this sudden development you practically smashed the mask back on his face, causing him to grunt in pain and roll to his side as he clutched his face.

Ever since that moment everything seemed to fall into place. Leading to three years later, where he could freely be besides you in your shared bed, kiss you and hug you close when the cold starts to bite at his soul. How you longed for him to open up. To have him as he is now. It was truly worth the wait, in the end of the day. Even if you never could fully stop all of his tears.

Taehyung knew he’d never want anyone or anything else quite as much as he wants or needs you. He covers up his emotions again and laid besides you. Looking up at the ceiling.

“I’ll be the death of you... You know that right?”

Even though his voice was small and seemed slightly sad, it still contained that joyful spark of mischief. Assuring you that he was only trying to scare you away with the statement. You gently shaked your head in disbelief as light laughter broke the silence however it quickly returned to tranquility.

“You’d be worth the pain”

#bts #bts v #bts taehyung #x reader #bts x reader #taehyung x reader #v x reader #bts monster!au #taehyung monster!au

[baseballiscruel-blog]

For World Mental Health Day

I wanted to write this out because, for one, I have a difficult time openly talking about it, and two, because I feel the need to be honest about my experiences so that anyone who comes across this may better understand me as a person. A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote one of these. I just wanna say - this is a very personal letter and there’s negative connotations that go along with what I’m about to talk about so please try to keep an open mind and respect that I’m being honest and up front about my journey with mental illness.

I’ve always dealt with darkness; it’s been a part of me since as long as I can remember. Sometimes I’ll sit in a group and make what I think is a funny comment, and the response will be, “damn, girl, that’s dark.” I’ve never really seen things that way. And part of my fear in openly discussing this is that people often are unwilling to confront the darkness - so when someone tries to be open about what’s real to them, it’s often dismissed as morbid or “too real”. And when that happens, no matter the context, it causes you to feel like an outsider. Because when you live with that darkness, coexisting in the same space for your entire life, it’s a piece of you. And people aren’t always able - or willing - to understand that.

I got a lot of different diagnoses growing up - useless details that I’m not going to get into. A lot of bullshit therapy that made me give up on therapy altogether (for awhile). To get to the main point, my moods were never... normal. Like, everything hurt my feelings or I was so numb it scared the people around me. Numbness is a constant in my life - I either feel things completely or I don’t feel them at all. I never really understood it, and growing up, it was always the same thing; “You’re so sensitive, you’re so overdramatic”. I honestly never understood it. I was reacting with what I felt and I couldn’t understand why every time I reacted to anything it was, in some way, an “abnormal reaction”. Doctors said a lot of different shit - and there was a day, must have been in 7th grade, where one of my close friends and I were hanging out. We got back to my house and my mom walked outside and made a comment about the shoes I was wearing. It was hateful, but nothing serious enough to justify a fit. But I started crying; I completely lost it. I felt so worthless. I couldn’t understand how one simple comment could rip me apart like that. I saw my friend again a few days later (which, yes, was horribly mortifying if you were wondering) and she said to me, “Rach, I think this is a lot more complicated than you’re able to see right now.” I brushed it off; who the fuck wants to think their abnormal in 7th grade? I had headgear in middle school, like I was already NOT doing well in the normal department, adding an extra bit of crazy to the mix was not at all what I was willing to accept.

In high school, my moods got worse. I was always angry, sad, or numb. And the important thing to note here is that, when it comes to what I feel, I can rarely understand the meaning behind it. Imagine this: you wake up, every day for a week, so angry you can’t see straight. But you don’t know why, or who you’re angry at, or why the rage is so overwhelming you can feel it in every inch of your skin. That’s what all of the moods are like. My friends would say one thing wrong, or they’d give me advice which I deemed as “not good enough”, and I’d treat them like absolute garbage. There was a never a middle ground for me; someone was either the greatest thing in the world, or the worst person I’d ever met. And I could think those things about someone in the span of an hour. Yeah, I know, it’s fucking exhausting. And what’s most exhausting about it is the not knowing “why”. My best friend, who still to this day stands by me and is the absolute rock in my life, got it the worst from me. She tells me now, “it was like walking on eggshells. I never knew which rachael I was gonna get or what was gonna set you off.” I‘ll forever be sorry for that. No mental illness excuses meanness or cruelty; it may explain your behavior, help people to understand why you do the things you do, but it is not an excuse and you should never use it as one.

When I was 19, during a family christmas, my sister came up to me and said, “look, Rae, I think you have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I think you should go see a specialist.” And I remember my response so clearly: I was infuriated, so I glared at her and said, “You can go fuck yourself because I’m not crazy”. I really truly refused to look inwardly at the situation. But my sister was there my entire life; she saw every reaction, every detail. And as I got older, the sadness got worse, the moods themselves got more unstable. I want to paint a picture because this is difficult to explain to someone who does not directly experience it - and I have difficulty opening up about this topic because when someone doesn’t understand you or what you go through on a day to day basis, it can be isolating. So, imagine your experience with heartbreak: That heavy weight on your chest, where every movement genuinely fucking feels impossible and every inch of you hurts. I feel a degree of that almost every day. Stay with that feeling - remember it. Now picture yourself in a bar with your friends, talking, casually having fun. And someone looks at you, and innocently says, “oh, you look like “so and so” celebrity!” But you don’t like that celebrity - and that celebrity isn’t necessarily what you would define as attractive. So in half a second you’ve taken that comment to mean that you’re unattractive and that you’re worthless. And that feeling - that heavy ache in your chest - fills you. That’s what it’s like for me. It only takes that much. And I’m an extremely logical and rational person - Even while it’s happening I can step outside of myself and say, “dude chill out - you know that didn’t mean anything. You’re fine. You know that didn’t mean anything.” But the connection between my thoughts and my feelings has always been weak, to say the least. Because my moods control everything - my ability to rationalize the situation does nothing to change how much pain a single comment can cause me, or how numb I can become.

So, my senior year of college comes around and a lot happened that year; I had my first heartbreak, I was trying to figure out what the fuck I wanted to do after I graduated, (I felt hopeless bc, like, wtf am I gonna do when I graduate???) I dated someone else... it was just a mess. I was all over the place. And then March of 2018 came around, and my sister told me that my aunt was diagnosed with BPD in her 20s and something, idk what, in me snapped. You can be genetically predisposed to BPD. Why I never knew my aunt had it is another question entirely, but in that moment I genuinely said, “fuck it - I give up on everything else, nothing is working” and I went to see a specialist in nyc. There’s a checklist, a list of requirements, you have to meet to be diagnosed with BPD. I’m just gonna say... I passed with fllyyyiiing colors. And no, because I absolutely know what you’re thinking, this is NOT the same as being Bipolar. Not the same. Separate the two. The name “BPD” is misleading; it refers to, in the easiest of terms, unstable moods and behaviors. It’s defined as a personality disorder because the way I feel and experience the world is, in fact, a part of my personality; I can’t ever change it. What I can do is learn how to cope and manage my feelings in a world that wasn’t necessarily built for someone like me. Marsha Linehan once said, “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

I didn’t really process this diagnosis well, if I’m being honest. It’s one thing to have a doctor tell you that you have depression or anxiety (not to in any way minimize those things) because we have, in society, been working to normalize those forms of mental illness. When you think of a disorder, for example, like being Bipolar - do positive images come into your head? Probably not. Because there are extremely harmful and negative connotations that go with any form of mental illness outside of what society has deemed as being somewhat “normal“. So, confronting this was difficult for me. On the one hand, for the first time in my life things made sense; why I always felt like my reactions were wrong, why everything I feel is so unbelievably heavy, why I never seem to understand the meaning behind my moods or their constant fluctuation. But, on the other hand, it was devastating. For a long time it felt like everyone was going to dismiss me, abandon me, that I was never going to be able to be happy. Because, for those of you who have BPD and truly know what every day is like, looking at your future and saying, “holy shit I’m gonna feel what I feel for the rest of my life??” is a terrifying thing to confront. Because who wants to be in pain all of the time? Who wants to be angry for no reason? Who wants to push everybody away because they’re afraid they’re going to get abandonded? How is that life? How is that living?

People still ask me why I decided to leave NYC. Yeah, a big part of it was that I have student loans and I wanted to save up and become a functioning and independent adult before moving back to the East Coast. But, the biggest reason was because of my diagnosis. There is no place like NYC; and it was always my intention to move back (which I am doing, by the way). But if you don’t know who you are every second of the day, that city will rip you apart. And I could barely talk to anyone outside of my circle about what I was dealing with. So I moved back to Chicago. I got a good job, I’m working on getting my shit together to become an independent ”real” adult. But, the most important thing was for me to get my head on straight. And there are very bad days - there will always be very bad days. But I’m learning how to cope with my shit in ways that are far less destructive than what they used to be. And, sadly, sometimes that means deleting my twitter for 6 hours, or doing a bunch of other confusing shit that probably doesn’t make sense to any of my followers. And I’m sorry for that. And I’m always going to be sorry to all the people in my life that this negatively impacts. This is not in any way an easy thing to deal with - trust me, I deal with it every day. And to the people in my life who have stuck by me, I can’t ever explain to you what and how much that means to me. I’ll forever be sorry for the bad days: I’m sorry to all the people I project my pain on, and I’m sorry that it’s still so hard for me to open up emotionally, in a real setting, about this.

But one day I will - and every day I work on myself I gain a little bit more insight, a little bit more hope. To the people who care about me, have faith in me on the days I don’t. I know this is confusing. I barely understand it, too.

And lastly, to the people who will write me off because of this, or the people who judge anyone with a mental illness that they don’t know about or understand - try to be more open. We’re all human, we all face different struggles. And the more open and real we get about mental health - the better we’ll all be for it.

Thank you for listening to my TED Talk. I hope that this, in some way, helps you to understand me better. Mental Health awareness matters because, newsflash, most of the people you’re going to meet in this life are just as fucked up as I am.

Lots of love,

Ræ

[hongbab]

Good night - Once you have nothing to worry about though, hope becomes an illusion, a drug that drags you into an alternate reality you can’t quit and it stays until your thoughts waste away and render you unable to move forward. (OT6/Hakyeon, pg?, 2378 w)

a/n #1: based on this request and this video (the video might be unavailable for some; it’s unavailable for me on my laptop but works perfectly on my phone [which is set to a different language and region than my laptop, so… that might be the solution idk]

WARNING: this whole thing is about death (not explicitly graphic) and sadness. seriously. this is not necessarily a spoiler if you watch the video first, but please if you think this topic is not for you, don’t read it. it was extremely hard for me to write it and i’m still trying not to cry.

a/n #2: @anon, the video implied canon verse, but i couldn’t write it that way, because it would’ve been too heavy for me, i’m sorry;;;

recommended song: vixx lr - poison. if you ignore the lines about the ‘scent’ of that special someone they’re singing/rapping about, even the lyrics fit! 

The blindingly white walls feel like they are closing in on him, as if they are moving towards him inch by inch, suffocating Taekwoon way too slowly, waiting for his oxygen level to decrease enough for his heart to finally find it useless to pump his blood into the rest of his body.

He forgot to breathe.

He takes a small, shuddery breath that feels like a knife in his chest, the sound of his inhalation hurting his ears. A tear slides down his face, hot and wet, running over the same path the previous drops travelled along: down his cheek, dampening the corner of his mouth and arriving to his chin from where it falls on his icy hands in his lap.

The corridor is so long and so quiet and the floor he’s sitting on is so cold.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting here—it may have been hours, but he can only guess. Time has stopped a while ago and his phone isn’t buzzing in his pocket anymore the way it had: vibrating several times for several long minutes, until it ultimately ceased to bother him. It’s still dark outside—a sharp contrast to the sterile lights of the hospital building. Taekwoon doesn’t think the sun will ever come up again. It has no reason to.

He should probably go back and face… the consequence of all this. He should man up and take the lead, offer support to those who now depend on him as if he is their oldest brother, to hold their hands and console them, show them how to proceed from here. Because there must be a way to move on, there must be a next step, even if it feels like he’s reached the edge of the world and can’t go back and the only way to quit this static moment would be to disappear into the bottomless abyss that is only waiting for him to stumble. He’s not ready to take that step yet and he’s not ready to imagine a different world where there is a path ahead.

The foul, cruel, ineradicable sliver of hope that nestled into his mind after he’d got the tragic phone call is still there and he can’t find it in himself to fight it. He can’t chase it away, even though it’s useless now.

Hope is a strange thing. They say hope is positive, that it can make miracles happen if one treasures it enough, but nobody talks about what comes together with it: worry. Worry about the what ifs, about the opposite of those miracles that no one wants to really think about. Once you have nothing to worry about though, hope becomes an illusion, a drug that drags you into an alternate reality you can’t quit and it stays until your thoughts waste away and render you unable to move forward.

Worry is what keeps hope pure and healthy and Taekwoon has nothing to be worried about anymore.

*

Jaehwan bought himself a cup of coffee. He didn’t really need it: he couldn’t feel anything, exhaustion included. He’s been awake for 20-22 hours, but he doesn’t know if he’s sleepy. It doesn’t even matter.

Apart from not needing caffeine at the moment, he didn’t even want to buy the coffee. It wasn’t a conscious action: it was automatic like wetting your lips with your tongue when they feel dry. One moment he was standing by the four chairs his friends had occupied in the waiting room and in the next, he was feeding some bills to the vending machine in a different area. The only thing that broke his reverie was a kind voice when a nurse asked him, “Do you need help?”. Jaehwan blinked then, looking from the nurse to the buttons of the machine and then down at the white Styrofoam cup in his hand.

“No,” he said simply, not trusting his voice enough to say anything more.

There was only one thing, one person he needed, but he couldn’t run to that person for a hug.

When he got back to the chairs, one of them was already empty. His legs felt weak enough that he didn’t want to stay standing anymore, so he sat down slowly, as if he was in a daze. He felt drugged. He still does.

“Jaehwan,” Wonshik rasped, his voice grating on Jaehwan’s nerves like the sound of the burr on a blade when you try to sharpen a crappy knife. Wonshik then took the cup from Jaehwan and pulled a crumpled tissue out of his pocket, wiping the coffee drops off the Styrofoam before doing the same to Jaehwan’s shaky hands. “You’ll burn yourself,” Wonshik murmured and lifted the cup to his mouth, drinking just enough that when he handed it back to Jaehwan, the coffee wouldn’t spill as Jaehwan held it again.

Jaehwan looked into Wonshik’s sad, bloodshot eyes that seemed to droop more than usual. The sight was like cold water poured over his head: sobering and painful, and Jaehwan couldn’t bear to keep the eye contact. He glanced down at the coffee in his hand and has been staring at it ever since.

The reflection of his face is blurred from the ripples on the surface of his drink as his hands shake more and more wildly, a tear unexpectedly dropping into the beverage.

He feels a smile form on his lips as he thinks: now this is a salted caramel latte.

His smile fades away as fast as it appeared when he imagines how Hakyeon would laugh at that stupid, stupid joke, his voice ringing through the place so loudly they would probably get scolded for it.

Jaehwan drops the cup as he starts crying in earnest.

*

Wonshik is wearing a pair of white sneakers. He bought them a couple of days ago, had been looking forward to get them from the new collection for months and now the right one is soaked in sticky, brown coffee. He could probably save his shoe if he wiped the coffee off immediately, but his body feels like it’s made from rusty metal. It won’t move.

Jaehwan’s shoulder is bumping against him with every shudder as he cries. He should hug him, pull him close and soothe his pain by just being there, but Wonshik isn’t really there. His mind has been in a room full of monitors and cables and tubes and under them, a lifeless body for the last few hours. It’s been doing what his body still can’t: mourning his biggest support in life, keeping vigil while his best friend slept.

Taekwoon should be here. Not because he thinks Taekwoon should be the responsible one now, the solid rock they can lean on, but because Wonshik is seconds away from completely falling apart now that two people are missing from their group. One of them can’t return and Taekwoon… Wonshik just wants all of them to be physically close to him, so that he knows they’re still there. So that he can feel like he can protect them if something happens.

He wasn’t there to protect Hakyeon. The guilt fills his throat like bile, makes him swallow back the urge to vomit.

Wonshik has always liked playing the hero. Some might call him a control freak who wants to keep his loved ones on leashes, never letting them drift away enough for Wonshik to be unable to reach them one way or another, but that isn’t how he feels. He never once forbade those precious to him to live their individual lives and he never voiced how anxious he felt about his friends or family not being in his vicinity when they left the house without him, even though he was always concerned and sometimes even felt sick to his stomach. The pang was there in his chest even when Hakyeon said, “I’ll be right back,” earlier tonight.

Wonshik has failed. No matter how hard he tried to keep everyone safe, they ended up sitting in a hospital, first waiting and now… now they were only trying to come to terms with what happened.

He doesn’t deserve being able to cry.

*

Hongbin hates crying. Actually, he hates most forms of emotional expression, especially if they’re done loudly.

And yet here he is, unable to hold himself back.

He stands up from his seat with wobbly legs, the tears in his eyes making it hard to see his surroundings. He shuffles towards the corridor the doctors told them not to follow them to and he can feel Wonshik’s gaze on his back, but he doesn’t care. He knows Wonshik is too numb to follow him and drag him back right now, but even if he tried, Hongbin would tear himself out of his grip, shake him off and keep stumbling forward.

There is no one on the corridor and he falters after a few steps when he sees how empty it is, compared to the crowded waiting room. His shoulder hits the wall as his strength seeps out of him and he leans against it with his back, finding himself sitting on the floor after a moment. He hugs his knees to his chest and buries his face in his arms, muffling his sobs.

Hakyeon is his everything. Was. He still is. He was there every time the whole world came crushing down around Hongbin, if not physically, then he was there on the phone with him, in their private chatroom, or, simply, in Hongbin’s head, murmuring words of comfort and listing all the good things about Hongbin. He never believed Hakyeon, never accepted his praising words, but they felt like balm on his wounds, like a charm that—if he repeated those words in his head on and on—could help him stand up and go on.

Hakyeon is not doing that now. He’s lying on bloody bedsheets now with his eyes closed and he is not talking, he is not holding Hongbin’s head to his chest and not caressing his hair and not trying to soothe him. He is letting Hongbin down. He has left him like one would leave an unwanted child in the church porch, hoping someone will find him before he freezes to death.

He hates Hakyeon. He wants to tell Hakyeon he hates him and he wants Hakyeon to listen, to tease him about it, to realize Hongbin is just being dramatic and lying to him. He wants to go and find Taekwoon, wherever he might fucking be right now, and tell him to wake Hakyeon so Hongbin can yell at him.

He wants Hakyeon to come back for him and lift him up from the floor, telling him it’s too cold and dirty.

Hakyeon won’t come, no matter how much Hongbin wants him to.

*

The light of the lamps paints Sanghyuk’s entire vision orange as he closes his eyes. It looks much like the rays of the setting sun on a cloudless sky as the brightest star ascends, disappearing under the horizon and bringing on the darkness of the night.

He wonders if Hakyeon could see it, too, when they brought him into the building on a stretcher. He probably could, only his brain didn’t process the sight.

Sanghyuk doesn’t cry easily. He wishes he could weep quietly like Wonshik or let the sadness flow out of him the way it does from Jaehwan’s eyes, instead of sitting here like a statue. Maybe he is just in a shock and the crying will come later, when he is lying in his bed wide awake, staring at the ceiling but seeing nothing in the dark.

He sat through the excruciatingly long ride to the hospital silently, listening to Taekwoon’s sniffling in the driver’s seat as he tried his best not to break down before they could reach the building. He also heard Hongbin chanting “please” softly, huddled up on the seat behind Taekwoon as he was. Wonshik kept gasping in front of him like he was trying not to drown in a massive body of water, but Jaehwan in the middle was just as mute as Sanghyuk himself. He only held Sanghyuk’s hand tightly.

Taekwoon disappeared as soon as a doctor emerged from the operating room, almost whispering to them, “I am so sorry, we couldn’t help”. He didn’t even wait for an explanation, for the doctor to elaborate, to tell them the reasons: brain damage, collapsed lungs, too much blood. Sanghyuk listened obediently and made no effort to acknowledge Wonshik’s sharp exhale, Hongbin’s long-suppressed sounds finally bursting out of him, or when Jaehwan stood up without a word, only to return with a cup of coffee he didn’t seem to understand why he bought.

It would be easier to think of it in a scientific way: a road accident went wrong, a patient whose body gave up fighting. Brain damage, collapsed lungs, too much blood.

But Hakyeon isn’t just a medical case to Sanghyuk. Hakyeon has been beside him for so many years, watching him turn from a child into an adult, supporting him, helping him grow up. Sanghyuk doesn’t feel like a grown-up yet and Hakyeon isn’t here anymore to show him how to be an adult, a good person. Like Hakyeon himself.

He shuts his eyes even more tightly and the orange sunset disappears, turning everything into black.

He wishes he could have said goodnight to Hakyeon.

*

When Hakyeon imagined how he would die, he always thought it would be over in a second. He was wrong.

He couldn’t feel much, not after the impact, after the sudden pain in his head, but he could still see the road, the blood spreading on the asphalt—his blood. His thoughts felt like molten lead, flowing around in his mind, making less sense with every breath he took. It hurt to breathe.

When he finally closed his eyes, a blurry image managed to break to the surface. It was of five people: his best friends, sitting in a circle and laughing, laughing about a joke Hakyeon had told them, their laughter filling him with warmth despite how cold he was.

It was a memory, it had to be a memory. It had to be true.

Hakyeon could finally fall asleep.

#vixx #ot6 #n #rating: pg #i think?? #au #friendship #angst #req

[winchester-reload]

What I’m working on...

I was tagged by the absolutely wonderful @formidablepassion to spill all my current WIP secrets. The secret is, I don’t have a lot ( I try to keep it manageable). But I’ll give you guys a little taste of the three I’m currently cooking. 

Only one of them is posted as a readable WIP right now, so I’m going to provide a small excerpt of each one, and for the posted one, a little excerpt from a chapter not published yet.

All of the following are Dean/Cas pairings, and all three will be explicit (though the excerpts are not).

Rules Do Dis: List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or little detail as you’d like, then tag some friends to see what they’re working on. This can be writing, art, vids, gifsets, whatever.

What I’m working on:

After Dark (my AO3 nightmare child): I think I’ve made it no secret that this particular fic has been a bit of a struggle for me to write, but that’s my own fault. I should stop fighting the characters and just let The Thing(tm) happen that keeps trying to happen (and no, I won’t elaborate on that).

Current Unpublished Chapter (17): “Soft Light”

Dean was in a gray robe, tied tight around the waist. His hair was fluffy wet from the shower and his skin was a pinked kind of new that made him look about ten years younger. Everything was different, and Sam didn’t need a road map to know why.

“How is he?” he asked, and Dean offered the question a little consideration before shrugging.

“He’s okay. Sleeping. Out cold, actually, which is kinda strange to see--”

“He’s human.”

Dean’s breath holed up at that. He played his bottom lip between his teeth before nodding. “Yeah,” he agreed, “No more feathers.” And there was a little smile that chased it, because for everything Sam’s brother was, he was always a sucker for a sweet gesture, and Cas never seemed to miss an opportunity.

A Love Story in Pieces (unpublished): This is my 12x12-inspired (and coda-esque oneshot approximately 15k words, coming out soon. This particular excerpt takes place directly after 12x12, but the story itself is a stand-alone. (If it feels like I cut this excerpt off right before the porn, it’s because I am nothing if not an evil wench.)

“What do you want me to do?” Cas asked. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you it was a mistake? That I messed up -- misspoke? I’ll say it.”

“I want you to cut the crap!”

Cas’ eyes dogged off the fallen books and back again. “Fine. I’m in love with you,” he said squaring his shoulders.  “I said it. And I meant it. I thought I was going to die, and I needed you to know.”

It was quick and sharp and so off-the-cuff, that it sliced straight through Dean’s chest and staggered him back. The air sucked out of him, and he suddenly felt blocked off. There was police tape everywhere and flashing red lights: DO NOT CROSS, YOU MORON. GO BACK. GO BACK RIGHT NOW -- but it was way too late for that. The words were already spilled: Fucking black and white on the page.

Not even just love this time.

IN LOVE.

Dean shook his head, backed up. “No,” he puffed, and it was hell gathering the energy to get it out. He bit his lip, tried to head the tears off, because a little pain always worked -- usually worked -- but they spilled over anyway. He wasn’t sure why the fuck it hurt so much. Like a straight razor dragged over the soft skin of his feet.

“No? No, what? I don’t understand.”

“No!” Dean shoved Cas into the shelves again, this time Cas caught his hand, shoved him back. Dean stumbled into the library table. It screeched along the floor as it kicked sideways.

“Why are you trying to fight me?”

“Because you were gonna die!”

“I don't understand, Dean! I’m trying to understand!”

“I dunno how to get an angel back, you sonofabitch! If you tell me you love me an’ you die, and I can't get you back!”

Cas blinked surprise back at him, that bottom lip wobbling. “But I didn’t...” he huffed. “I didn’t die…”

He didn’t--

Versions of Me (unpublished): This is an drafting-stage, Girl, Interrupted kinda AU (yeah, an actual AU. IDK, I figured I’d try something different). Length unknown atm. The summary will read something like:

Life is hard, living is harder. As Dean trudges through his own psychological break, he learns what it means to find support in others, and in opening himself up, maybe even more. 

A quiet look at the difficulties of dealing with mental illness, and how ‘bent’ does not necessarily mean ‘broken’.

~CW: suicidal ideation~

((Side Note: This excerpt is a very unpolished, first-draft run just for kicks))

Get a fuckin’ grip, Winchester.

He buried his face in his hands, took a long breath, settled on his knees.

Mid October had the leaves jumping, the trees and the whole world turning orange. He watched the patches of fallen leaves gather and dance over the grass. At the edge of the field, a group of evergreens bent in the wind. Snow wouldn’t be too far away, and that’s what the wind was telling everyone now. A friendly whisper that congenial temperatures were packing up and heading south.

He closed his eyes and breathed it in. It smelled like something only people on the other side of the fence got: freedom. Except he realized as he sat there, the fence wasn’t just around the field, because even when he was on the other side of it, there was still something just like it bottling up his mind.

But, at least he could touch the fence.

He’d lost the orderly at the edge of the patio, sitting now in a folding lawn chair at the edge of the concrete, just watching.

Dean flopped back into the grass with a huff and stared up at the sky. Stars growing bold as they chased the fading sunlight to the horizon, cold dew eating into the thin hospital thread at his back.

Didn’t matter. Make me cold. Better’n numb.

He suddenly caught Cas out of the corner of his eye. Butted up to the chain link a couple feet away, fingers threading it behind his head. Outside. Always outside.

He too had eyes on the sky. Of course he did. His neck a lovely curve in the shadow, and it struck Dean a little odd that he noticed it.

“Yeah you do,” he blurted and Cas looked over, snagging Dean in his face again. The bags under his eyes caught the shadows while his cheekbones laughed them away.

“What do I do?” he asked quietly.

“You think you’re an angel. I see the way you look at the sky.”

Castiel cocked his head. “Have you been watching me, Dean?”

Dean’s admittedly heavy heart picked up a couple steps, and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. “Just happened to catch you,” he lied.

“Yes, well, fortunately thinking I’m an angel and believing I’m an angel are two very different things. In this case, anyway.”

Dean wanted to ask what that meant, but he didn’t, so the wind did them a favor and filled the gaps. It took Cas’ hair and brushed it back. Even in the shadow his eyes could talk.

“I know this is a stupid question,” he said leaning over his knees, “but, are you alright? I know there’s an adjustment period.”

“The adjustment period has me by the balls, I think,” Dean admitted.

“I figured. I don't suppose you know how close to sedated you almost got.”

“Huh?”

Cas threw a thumb toward the patio. “He’s got a haldol cocktail in that pocket. It isn’t fun.”

Dean looked back, saw the orderly turning something in his hands.

“How long?”

“Six to eight hours of zombie land.”

“No, how long have you been here?”

Cas picked a blade of grass, squinted. “Oh. Which time?”

Dean mulled it and swallowed a follow up comment. There was something so latently sad about that answer that he couldn’t put his finger on. But he was pretty sure it had everything to do with the intelligence he saw in those eyes.

Change the subject.

“Can’t drink, can’t smoke… can’t kill yourself. What the hell you supposed to do in this place beside tick off Gigantor for a dose of the not fun drugs?”

Castiel chuckled. “Why can’t you?” then he added, “smoke,” just to be clear.

“My fuckin’ brother. I love the guy, but he’s a moral highground kinda asshole, and it just don’t rub with me.”

“Ah, more flags?”

“Bingo.”

If these gems interest you, and you find yourself wanting something complete, my masterlist is here, and my AO3 is here.

Tagging: @aoitrinity @braezenkitty @tellthenight @rosewhipped22 @nofearoffeathers @destielmixtape @nera-solani and anyone else who wants to do the thing!

#fanfic #destiel #games #wip #my fic #excerpts #canonverse #and a surprise AU

[just-seheun]

bye 2017, hey 2018

I feel like I always get around to writing an end of the year post on tumblr even if i never really even get to use this site during the year.

well I guess it’s that time of the year (or new year I should say) where I try and look back as well as look forward.

let’s see what happened in 2017...

- let’s say, for one, ‘Murica as a whole kinda went through a lot of bullshit (still is honestly) - we’re getting rid of DACA, the tax cut bill was passed (holla @ the rich 10% and say bye to the other 90%), we’re slowly trying to get rid of/fuck up the EPA despite climate change being very real (if category 4-5 hurricanes occurring back to back is what we’d call “real”), and ya know just the firing of members of the HIV/AIDS awareness and prevention council in the government - to name a few (not to mention, continued police brutality, racial discrimination/injustice (tbh just racism as a whole), and dumb ass fucking people who - ugh 

well, moving on to maybe more lighthearted moments...

- I tried to infiltrate the Asian community a little more with (mixed, mostly unsuccessful) efforts. Idk man I tried. I think I did make stronger relationships with the Asian friends I started out with so, I think that’s definitely a major plus. (*insert thumbs up here*)

- also, kinda along with that one, I think I dived into more adventurous food/hangout spots in terms of finding kinda Asian hubs and places I vibe with (an accomplishment of last year too that I think worked and flourished even more in 2017). 

- Kind of cooled down with the whole going out scene. I still go out occasionally and have a pretty good time but it’s definitely dwindled down. We definitely started the year going out more but like I said, definitely calmed down a lot. 

- Went to my first Terp Thon FTK! Started my TTPT journey with the 1 million dollar year - pretty crazy and amazing. It was truly and unreal experience for all those kids and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Super sad I won’t be there for Terp Thon 2018 though. 

- oh! successfully (kinda) resurrected my GPA from a sad 2.7 (result of getting a 1.7 from failing calc2 and getting a D in bio) to a nice and solid 3.23 which I am tbh very proud of. A 3.8 and 3.88 (technically straight As - woo hooooo) these last two semesters - yay! Just also improving in school as a whole. I’m really starting to enjoy what I’m doing. yeah, spring ‘17 sem was more chill and fall ‘17 sem was more like hell but, overall I’m pretty excited about the work and studies I get to do. (like hell as in 3 2900-3200-word papers in the span of like 2 weeks) 

- Another academic thing, I added Art History (officially) as a Double Major which probably means a winter term here or there but still very exciting. I also feel like I’ve really learned a lot about the fundamentals of art history that I really felt like I was missing this whole time. Just like the basic timeline of movements and key artists from Burgundian Netherlands to Venice to Rococo to Realism to Cubism (and all its various forms) to Der Blauer Reiter to Contemporary and everything in between. All cool stuff - definitely makes you pay attention more to dates and stuff when visiting galleries and museums and just makes me feel more in the know if nothing else. 

- Again, another academic thing, I’m officially in the English Honors Program - woo hoo! This does, however, mean I’ll be writing a 25-page thesis but honestly it’ll be fine, I’m fine, it’s all fine... I mean I don’t really know what I’m gonna write about and I have to skype my professor for like 2 months in the summer but hey, it’s all good and if it’s not I’ll just figure it out (*insert nervous sheepish grin here*)

- Kind of started the process of cutting off 아빠 which take that with a grain of salt. It’s a mess tbh, I don’t even know what to say honestly. 

- Finally left Slaveway for good. It really tbh started becoming too much of a risk and just uncomfortable for me to stay. Not an awful job (despite the shit customers a lot of the time) but I just couldn’t stay longer.

- I feel like there was also definitely a more solidifying of sustained relationships and a distancing in others. I don’t know definitely still a lot just up in the air and a lot of familiar faces but a lot of new things and stronger bonds in 2017. 

(now, post looking at my snapchat memories from the year and realizing how much shit I did this year... lol)

- I went to 2 concerts (kinda); one being 2 Chainz and all of the many acts that came before him at Art Attack 2017 and the other being Khalid’s bomb American Teen Tour concert at the Filmore that I initially just went to because Sam wanted to go and Anh had an extra ticket that ended up being real lit. 

- Had like a little fame after writing an Odyssey Online article about Moco which was kinda cool and kinda ridiculous lol. I also just stopped writing for them all together after like less than one sem rip. 

- Also realizing I went to a lot of really cool exhibits and art-related things this past year which I’m really happy about actually. Yayoi Kusama’s exhibit was crazy amazing and well worth the wait. Artec house was really cool and just visiting the NGA, the PMA, the Hirshorn, the Freer/Sackler with a fresh and more knowledgeable outlook was really nice. Also starting those solo museum trips during the sem was really nice no matter how short-lived they were. 

Honestly this year was very different from 2016 in many many ways. I think there’s been a lot more growth in this past year but I and the community around me definitely went through a lot. 

- Something I realized this past year in unfortunate circumstances, was the prevalence of loss and losing individuals close to your community. I never thought things like death, loss, grief, and suicide were things that I would ever come across (let alone, this often) at this age. We really did lose a lot of young lives that were filled with so much potential and hope this past year especially in this community, including an old classmate. Things that we always thought to be intangible and far away landed right in front of us and I don’t think a lot of us including myself still know how to grasp all of that. It’s hard to see the people around you, the ones you grew up with and always had by your side whether you knew them well or not, lead such a tragic fate. This year made us think about mental health more and more. You realize in the most unfortunate circumstances that everyone has there own demons that they’re fighting. No one is free from them. Even in regards to Jonghyun, it affects everyone in the darkest of ways. 

This past year really made me think more about how fragile life truly is. I’ve dealt with and still deal with my own demons and the dark thoughts of my past and truly wonder especially in light of all the tragic events from this past year, what things would be like. It would be a lie if I said that they didn’t make me wonder about past thoughts of my own more. 

I think it’s sad to think that even as I wonder about all this, I still feel empty about it in the midst of being unable to process it all. I feel like in a way, whether as a result from school distracting me and my own self protecting or shielding itself, I’ve grown numb. I feel like my own mind is trying to avoid emotions at all cost in a way that’s pushing away emotion and problems by just not dealing with them (which by no means is the right way to deal with things at all bc you’re not dealing with anything). I don’t know, I guess I’m getting by and I’m not as broody as I was in the past but I wouldn’t say I’ve improved, I’ve just kind of paused in a way I guess. 

I want to end this post with a brighter look toward the future though. I think 2018 has a lot of potential waiting to happen with lots of things to look forward to that I think should be highlighted in this post. After all, a new year means moving forward, not burying your past necessarily but, using the past to cast light on the future. 

So with that, things to look forward to in 2018...

- First things first, STUDY ABROAD IN ROME for Spring ‘18 sem! I mean it doesn’t get more exciting and new than this honestly. Yes, I am super stressed and there’s so much stuff to do besides the fact that I’m paranoid and don’t know what to expect at all. I’ve never traveled abroad in my life, let alone lived away from home (ever) so this is just gonna be absolutely nuts tbh. I have lots of hopes though. Do I want a fairytale, movie-like experience? Lowkey, of course. But I also try to be a harsh realist when I can so, we’re staying generally tame about our study abroad fantasies lol. Still, I’m hoping this will be a chance to make new friends and hopefully make some of them in my art history classes as well as in the school in general. It’s been a hard few years in the whole making friends department seeing as how all my past roommates are very antisocial. Yes, I myself am also very much like this but that doesn’t mean my internal self doesn’t want a lot of friends lol. I’m excited to take a class with Evelyn and just experience the city while hopefully staying safe and smart. It’ll be a crazy and hopefully amazing semester with a lot of travel and just a lot of fun before my senior year. I could go on and on about all my thoughts and hopes for this coming semester but, I’ll just leave it at that (your girl really needs to sort her life out/figure out what to pack/pack/schedule the rest of my home excursions/get her documents together/everything else. Bottom line: we’re a mess lol.

- Hopefully a summer internship. Forreal forreal like actually. Your girl was stuck at safeway again this past year and we’re not having that shit again. Nope nuh-uh, not happening. Not this year mm mm, no. We’re gonna find one. We have to - it’s gonna happen. Trust and believe. Trust and believe! 

- Also turning 21 this year (although, this probs won’t be exciting seeing as how I’ll be legal all semester while I’m abroad, then come home and be nonlegal for another like 2 months and then be legal again). Look, I’m just looking forward to getting mimosas and going to bars without memorizing random identity information from Illinois. 

- Also 2018 is really gonna be a year for me to REALLY think about me. In all contexts, really. Academically; figuring out what it is I really want from my education and working toward making the most out of it, finding a real path for myself in terms of grad school and other things school-related. Lifewise; gauging how I’m going to continue my life. Graduation is coming faster than I can think and by this time next year, I’ll be gearing up for my last semester as an undergrad. That is so wild. 2018 is really gonna be me trying to buckle down, I suppose. Trying to cloud out my peers and their success/failures/paths and really try to hone in on myself. It’ll be a challenge but we’ve got to start somewhere, right?

All in all a lot was thrown onto the table in 2017 in a lot of different ways. It’s been a different kind of roller-coaster with much much more to come after this year (my favorite number year really, 2017). 2018 will be a test of time and one of the biggest challenges but, also hopefully a year with a lot of hope and potential for success. Wishing everyone the brightest new year with health, opportunities, growth, and burgeoning happiness! Cheers to all 2018 has to offer all of us and to all the things 2017 gave us! 

#new year's #new year #bye 2017 #hello 2018 #2018 #2017 #일기 #새해 #새해 많이 받아랏 #thoughts #new year new challenges