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a-room-of-my-own · 3 years

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A while before the latest hoo-ha about Judith Butler, I had just been reading her again. Though she claims her critics have not read her, this simply isn’t the case. I read Gender Trouble when it first came out and it was important at the time . That time was long,long ago. She was just one of the many ‘post-structuralist’ thinkers I was into. I would trip off to see Luce Irigaray or Derrida whenever they appeared.

I got an interview with Baudrillard and tried to sell it to The Guardian but they didn’t know who he was so its fair to say I was fairly immersed in that world of theory. For a while, I had a part time lecturing job so I had to keep on top of it. Though Butler’s idea of gender as performance was not new , it was interesting. RuPaul said it so much more clearly in a quote nicked from someone else “Honey ,we are born naked, the rest is drag”

What I was looking for again , I guess is not any clarity – her writing is famously and deliberately difficult- but whether there was ever any sense of the material body. She wrote herself in 2004 “I confess however I am not a very good materialist. Every time I try to write about the body, the writing ends up being about language” .

Butler from on high ,cannot really think about the body at all which is why they (Butler’s chosen pronoun) are now the high priestess of a particular kind of trans ideology. The men who worship Butler are not versed in high theory. The fox botherer had a “brain swoon” at some very ordinary things Butler said. Mr Right Side of history nodded along in an interview. Clearly neither of these men are versed in any of this philosophy and would be better off sticking to tax law and the decline of the Labour Party. Butler is simply a totem for them.

Butler said in the Guardian interview for instance “Gender is an assignment that does not just happen once: it is ongoing. We are assigned a sex at birth and then a slew of expectations follow which continue to “assign” gender to us.”

So yeah? That’s a fairly basic view of the social construction of gender though I take issue with the assigned at birth thing ,which I will come back to and why I started reading her again in the first place.

This phrase “Assigned sex at birth” is now common parlance but simply does not make sense to me. I am living with someone who is pregnant. I have given birth three times and been a birthing partner. I know where babies come from. There is a deep disconnect here between language and reality which no amount of academic jargon can obliterate.

Babies come from bodies. Not any bodies but bodies that have a uterus. They grew inside a woman’s body until they get pushed out or dragged out into the world.

The facts of life that we are now to be liberated from in the form of denial. Only one sex can have babies but we must now somehow not say that. The pregnant “people” of Texas will now be forced into giving birth to children they don’t want because they are simply “host bodies”. The language of patriarchal supremacy and that of some of the trans ideologues is remarkably close, as is their biological ignorance.

There is no foetal heatbeat at six weeks for instance. When a baby is born , doctors and midwives do not randomly assign a sex, they observe it and they do it though genitalia.

There is a question over a tiny percentage of babies ,less that one percent with DSDs but even then they are sexed with doctors having difficult conversations with parents about what may happen later.

Somehow, though when I read the way in which this is now all discussed it is clear to me that the people talking have never been pregnant, never had a foetal scan, never been near a birth , never miscarried, do not understand that even with a still birth babies are still sexed and often named.

If you want to know the sex of your baby you can pay privately and know at 7 weeks ((*49-56 days from the first day of the mother’s last menstrual cycle). A 12 week scan will show it. That is why so many female foetuses are aborted . I have reported on this.

Talking to paediatricians about this is interesting because they do indeed have to think through these things that we are being told are not real eg. that sex is just a by-product of colonialism for instance. Sometimes pre-conception , geneticists will be looking at chromosomes because certain diseases are more likely in men or women. Males have a higher risk of haemophilia for instance.

One doctor told me “When babies are premature, the survival advantage of females over males is well known throughout neonatology. This is sometimes something we talk about with parents when there is threatened premature labour around 23 weeks' gestation and options to discuss about resuscitation and medical interventions. In fertility treatment (or counselling around fertility in the context of medical treatments) it is pretty inherent to know whether we need to plan around sperm, or ova + pregnancy.”

She also said that if she involved in a birth that “assigning” isn’t the word she world use. “Observed genitals a highly reliable observation, just like measuring weight or head circumference which is also done at this time. “ Another doctor said that anyone involved with a trans man giving birth would be doing the best for the patient in front of them.

Sex then is biological fact. A female baby will have all the eggs she will ever have when she is first born which is kind of amazing. It is not bio-essentialist to say that our sexed bodies are different nor is it transphobic to recognise it.

Except of course in my old newspaper ,The Guardian who are now so hamstrung by their own ideology they have got their knickers in such a twist they can barely walk. They completely misreported the WiSpa incident , basically ignored the Sonia Appleby judgement at the Tavistock. Appleby was a whistle blower ,a respected professional concerned with safe guarding. She won her case. The cherry on the cake this week was an interview with Butler, themselves (?) in which they went on about Terfs being fascists and needing to extend the category of women.

Does anyone EVER stop to think that most gender critical women are of the left, supporters of gay rights, often lesbian and that this is not America? We are not in bed with the far right. This is bollocks. Just another way to dismiss us.

As we watch Afghanistan and Texas ,to say Butler’s words were tone deaf is to say the least. But they didn’t even have the guts to keep the most offensive stuff in the piece and overnight edited it out without really explaining why : the bits where Butler described gender critical people as fascist. Perhaps because the person their “reporters” had defended against transphobia at WiSpa turned out to be a known sex offender, perhaps because someone pointed out that Butler was throwing around the word fascist rather like Rik Mayall used to do in the Young Ones.

All of this is rather desperate and readers deserve better. When I left that newspaper I said that I thought and expected editors to stand up for their writers in public. Instead they go into some catatonic paralysis. I may have not liked this interview but it should never have been cut. Stand by what you publish or your credibility is shot.

But this is about more than Judith Butler and their refusal to support women . Butler is not really any kind of feminist at all. What this is about is the large edifice of trans ideology crumbling when any real analysis is applied. Yes, I have read Shon Faye’s book and there are some interesting points in it and I totally agree that the lives of trans people should be easier and health care better . I have never said anything but that.

What Faye does in the book is say that there can be no trans liberation under capitalism so there will be a bit of a wait I suspect.

Yet surely it is the other way round and what we are seeing is that trans ideology (not trans people – I am making a distinction here ) represent the apex of capitalism .

For it means that the individual decides their own gendered essence and then spends a fortune on surgery and a lifetime on medication to achieve the appearance of it. Of course lots of people spend a lifetime on medication but not out of choice. Marx understood very well that the abolition of our system of production would free up women.

Now it is all about freeing up men. Who say they are women. Quelle surprise.

Nussbaum’s famous take down of Butler is premised exactly on the sense of individual versus collective struggle “ The great tragedy in the new feminist theory in America is the loss of a sense of public commitment. In this sense, Butler’s self-involved feminism is extremely American, and it is not surprising that it has caught on here, where successful middle-class people prefer to focus on cultivating the self rather than thinking in a way that helps the material condition of others. “

Such thinking now dominates academia. There is simply an unquestioning rehearsal of something most of know not to be true thus Amia Srinivasan writes in The Right to Sex “At birth, bodies are sorted as ‘male’ or ‘female’, though many bodies must be mutilated to fit one category or the other, and many bodies will later protest against the decision that was made. This originary division determines what social purpose a body will be assigned.”

What does ‘sorted’ mean here? A tiny number of intersex babies are born. A tiny number of people are trans and decide to change their bodies. The feminist demand to challenge gender norms without mutilating any one’s body no longer matters. What matters now is this retrograde return to some gendered soul. This is not something any decent Marxist would have any truck with . Of course one may change over a lifetime and of course gender is never ‘settled.’ We are complex people who inhabit bodies that often don’t work or appear as we want them to.

But not only is there a denial of basic Marxism going on here , what becomes ever more apparent is that there is a denial of motherhood. Butler said “Yet gender is also what is made along the way – we can take over the power of assignment, make it into self-assignment, which can include sex reassignment at a legal and medical level.”

Self-assignment is key . One may birth oneself. No longer of woman born but self -made. This is a theoretical leap but it also one that has profound implications for women as a sex class. We are really then, just the host bodies to a new breed of people who self-assign.

Maybe that is the future although look around the word and there isn’t a lot of self-assignment going on. There are simply women shot and beaten in the street, choked to death or having their rights taken away. There is no identifying out of this , there is no fluidity here . This is not discourse. It is brutality and do we not have some responsibility to other women to confront male violence ?

Instead the hatred is aided and abetted by so called philosophers describing other women as Terfs. It is utterly depressing.

The sexed body. The pregnant body. The dying body. The body is in trouble when we can’t talk about it . I thought of Margaret Mary O’Hara’s beautiful and strange lyrics and what they might mean. I await my child’s return from the hospital as hers is a difficult pregnancy and thank god they are on the case. The sex of the child she carries does not matter to me at all .

It simply exists. Not in language but within a body.

Why is that so difficult to acknowledge?

#gender critical #feminism #transgender #judith butler #suzanne moore

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genderqueerpositivity · 3 years

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CW: some possibly TMI body changes on testosterone

I'm 7 weeks on low dose T today.

I didn't make 5 and 6 week updates because of reasons. And I didn't have much new to say for those weeks anyway.

Last week was also my first period since starting T and stopping the pill and that was absolutely terrible. I kind of hoped that it just wouldn't come back...but I also know that probably won't happen at my current dose. But I wish that it would.

Changes are definitely slow on low-dose. Sometimes this is frustrating, but mostly I am glad. This gives me time to really think about and accept the changes.

The trans need for change vs. the autistic need for sameness. Something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

And it feels like I'm totally in control of the process. This isn't something being done to me, but a process that I actively take part in. I could stop any day I feel ready to--and I get to choose to continue everyday.

And I do mean everyday; I haven't missed a single T gel dose in 7 weeks. Which is amazing for someone who sucks as badly as I do at remembering to take their medications and then actually doing it.

I haven't had any changes that I truly dislike yet. Everything has either been a positive change or one that I feel fairly neutral towards now. My voice is a little different, my skin a little oilier, my arms a little hairier.

I finally noticed a few new facial hairs the other day. Since I already had facial hair, it's been kind of hard to tell? But these are definitely new. Same for ass hair lol, already had it but I think there is more now.

Bottom growth...I don't even know when exactly that is happening. But it is? I'm just surprised every time I notice, is all. It seems like there will be nothing new for two weeks, but then, suddenly, hello? It must be happening everyday, but the changes are so gradual that it's difficult to tell a difference from one day to the next.

Oddly, bottom growth is the only change I've had any serious concerns about now that it's happening. I'm actually pleased with it personally, I like it and I hope it continues. But I would be lying if I said I weren't worried about possible reactions to it in the future. But I'm also not going to let the potential reactions of others stop me.

Overall, I'm glad I'm doing this. It's the right thing for me. I'm certainly less dysphoric and occasionally more gender euphoric. I also feel more patient in regards to waiting for top surgery now? And more certain that that is what I need to do--but it doesn't feel as urgent? Like, I'm going to make it to that point even if I have to wait a little longer.

I'd consider this a positive thing, overall.

#hrt journal #low dose testosterone #low dose t #transmasculine #genderqueer #op #personal #bottom growth tw #menstruation tw #genitals tw

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pagingevilspawn · 3 years

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Thanks for getting back to me so quickly! I’m the one that asked about the fic recs ☺️ could you please do a fic where jolex have a cute tickle fight with all the fluff in the world?? Thank you 🙏🏼

oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up

this took so long to fulfill like holy crap. I’m so sorry about that. I had to improvise a bit, because jolex is so not the tickling kind of couple and much more of a ‘slap dat booty’ kinda pair you know? But hey, i don’t think that anyone is complaining about jolex babies, right?

again, thank you all SO MUCH for 100 followers! i still can’t believe how crazy that is! this is super fluffy so yeah, i hope you enjoy it! also, tickle scenes are so much harder to write than i expected...

Alex Karev peeled his bloody surgical gloves off with a relaxed sigh, taking off his gown and tossing it into the bin while simultaneously telling a resident to finish closing up for him. When he gets back to the scrub room he leans against the sink, hands taking hold of the sturdy metal, closing his eyes for a minute because it feels like he can finally breathe.

His surgery had gone on for seven hours. The kid on the table crashed twice and had lost so much blood at one point he didn’t think the boy was going to make it. Luckily, thanks to skilled hands, surprisingly helpful residents, and Meredith Grey, nine year old Mike Harper was going to be okay. He removes his scrub cap from his head, tucking it into his pants and running a hand through his hair before turning on the faucet and putting his hands under the water, scrubbing off with the bar.

He shakes his hands dry, little water droplets flying here and there before exiting the room, traveling down the brightly lit halls of the surgical floors until he reaches the elevator. He clicks the button for the ground floor, where the parents are waiting. From there it was routine procedure. He tells the couple that their kid is gonna be alright, they cry tears of joy, they thank him, they ask when they can see their son, he informs them that they’re closing up right now, so he should be relocated to the PICU soon, and they thank him again before sitting back down.

Alex makes his evening rounds on patients, goofing and joking with them until he’s done and can finally head home. He’d been on call for the past sixteen hours, and all he really wants to do is go home and see his girls.

Unfortunately, he learned from the nurses that Jo was pulled into an emergency surgery a few hours earlier, and had yet to finish, so he didn’t know how long it would be until she was done. He changes out of his scrubs and into his regular clothes, bidding a short goodbye to Meredith, who laid sprawled out on the attendings lounge couch, grumbling that she was trying to sleep and he was making too much noise to allow her to do so.

Adjusting his old, ratty jacket on his shoulders, he slips his phone, wallet, and keys into his pocket, making his way up to the daycare where the littlest Karev was waiting. The worker, Patricia gives him a warm smile, sliding the sign out sheet across the counter.

“Hey Doctor Karev! Picking up I'm assuming?” she gestures towards his attire, making him nod in response.

“Yeah. I know Jo usually finishes first on Fridays, but she got called in at the last minute.” he says, which earns him an understanding chuckle.

“Well, I’ll be right out. She was just taking a brief nap, but don’t worry, she’s only been down for about fifteen minutes or so.” she reassures him.

He nods, shoving his hands in his jeans, pulling out his phone and checking the time. 7:23 pm. It was getting closer to his daughter’s bedtime, so it would make sense that she would start to be getting tired. Alex smiles at his lockscreen, a picture of him, Jo, and their little girl at her two year old birthday party a few months ago. Jo had gone all out, decorating their yard with extravagant streamers, decorative backdrops, and a huge bouncy house. In the picture that stared back at him, Jo and their freshly two year old toddler were both wearing pink, Jo’s in the form of a sheer blouse, and their daughter’s in a frilly dress that Jo spent way more money than she should’ve on. Alex matched, wearing a pink tie and white button down. He had refused immensely at first, but after much pleading from the tiny girl, he gave in. Because what kind of father could say no to puppy dog eyes?

“Daddy!” he sees the little bundle of blue run towards him, causing him to sweep down and pull her into his arms, bunching the thick fabric she was wearing.

“KK!” he exclaims, matching her enthusiasm, taking the backpack from Patricia, giving a silent nod to her as a way to say both ‘thank you’ and ‘goodnight’.

His daughter bounced in his arms as they made their way through the door, asking to be let down a few seconds later. Donned in a Cinderella dress up gown and purple converse, Katrina Karev started to race down the hallway in all her glory, the mini ponytail that Jo had done that morning swinging from side to side as she prompted Alex to come catch her. He lets out a small laugh, jogging to catch up to her before she can potentially get in the way of nurses coming in and out of rooms, scooping her up again, making her let out a loud squeal and turn into a fit of giggles.

“C’mon Kitty-Kat, we gotta go home.” he places her on the ground, holding her tiny hand in his. “No running. What have Mommy and I told you?”

Katrina sighs, puffing out her lips dramatically. “No running in hossal.” she grumbles. She had trouble pronouncing words that had a sharp sound to them, like ‘p’, ‘t’, and ‘j’, but both Alex and Jo found it quite adorable.

“That’s right. Because Mommy and Daddy’s friends are working really hard to help everyone, and we don’t want to get in their way, right Kat?” he reminds her of the rules, because as much as both he and Jo wished that they could say that their child was perfectly well behaved, she wasn’t. It was simply what having a kid was like. He’d never met a child who listened to every word their parent’s said, followed every rule, and never talked back. And despite what so many different television programs liked to show, it was completely normal for kids to be that way, no matter how crazy it drove the adults.

Kat murmurs in response, taking on her Dad’s grumpy persona. She wanted to run! She’d been inside of daycare with Scout all day, playing with blocks and crayons, which meant that she was stuck sitting. She wasn’t allowed to play tag in the circle room, no matter how much she asked Miss Lynn.

The duo makes their way to Alex’s car, unlocking it before lifting her up and strapping Katrina into her carseat, brushing back a couple strands of hair that had fallen in her face. He slides his way into his drivers side, revving up the car when Kat speaks from the back.

“Music Daddy, music!” she cheers, a crooked grin across her face as she bounces around in her seat.

Alex lets out a breath. As much as he loved his daughter, listening to the same exact Disney princess songs over and over were less than enjoyable. So far this week, he’d heard Let It Go twelve times, You're Welcome ten, and Be Our Guest seven, and those were just the most popular ones. He begrudgingly picks up his phone and puts on Into the Unknown, thankful that this was only his second time hearing it in the last couple of days. He swore that if Kat asked him to listen to Dyawne Johnson singing that damn song one more he was going to hurl himself out of the car.

Little hums come from the backseat during certain parts of the song, and when the chorus plays through the car he mentally prepares himself for the yells that were to come. Poor Kat couldn’t sing, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. What kind of monster tells his two year old daughter that she sounded like a dying cat? Katrina Karev was good at a lot of things, (math, spelling, and playing dress-up just to name a few) singing just wasn’t one of them.

With a more than relieved sigh he pulls into the driveway, turning off the car, and therefore the music. Whatever tiredness the toddler was feeling before had gone down the drain, so he knew it would be a while before he would be able to get her to bed. Kat unbuckles herself, getting out of the car and playing hopscotch with the homemade chalk version she and Jo made on the walkway up to the house’s door. She hops from one foot to the other, and Alex had never been more grateful for the fact that she had a good sense of balance. The last thing he wanted was Jo to come home to a bloody kneed Kat and have to explain to her that she fell while doing hopscotch. Honestly, he didn’t even think kids played that game anymore, but when Jo pulled out the sidewalk chalk a few days prior and started drawing, Kat was immediately hooked, and used every opportunity she could to hop across the little squares. Jo laughed when she saw how entranced the girl was, telling Alex that she had been the same way when she was a bit older, and the only thing that got her through some of the tougher houses was when she would go down the road and create a hopscotch game of her own. It became such a comfort in fact, that the tradition continued until she was a teenager. She told him that it would only seem right to share that little bit of joy from her childhood with her daughter.

They make their way up the steps and Alex unlocks the door, flipping on the light switch as soon as it swings open. Chilly air greets them, since the house hadn’t been in use since earlier that day, and the temperature had been in the low fifties the past week in Seattle. He lets Kat toddle up the stairs, walking over to the thermostat that sat the hallway and cranking it up, knowing that if there was one thing his wife liked coming home to more than her family, it was her family in a warm and toasty house.

“KK, you hungry?” he calls from the kitchen, being able to faintly hear footsteps padding around upstairs. He winces when he hears something thud to the ground, but assumes it was either Kat or her backpack.

“Yeah!” the girl cheers from upstairs, causing Alex to chuckle and pull out some box mac and cheese from the cupboard. Kat had been a particularly picky eater lately, much to her parent’s annoyance, and had acquired a taste for a very limited amount of foods. Thankfully, she still liked mac and cheese, which was one of the few things both he and Jo could cook. Alex had gotten significantly better at cooking over the past year or so, but Jo was just as helpless as she was when she was in high school. Either way, both of them preferred takeout, but that wasn’t always an option when they had a two year old they had to take care of.

“I’m making mac and cheese, change out of your clothes, put your jammies on, clean up your room, and it should be done by the time you are.” he calls up the steps, taking Kat heard him when a groan is what he received in response. Kat was all Jo in the fact that she was incredibly sassy, and not to mention stubborn. She was fine with changing into her pajamas, but she hated cleaning up her room. The way she saw it, it was like one big painting, with all of her toys and books scattered around, but to her parents, it looked like a tornado had come and hit her bedroom. No matter how many times the two of them put everything away, a couple days later Kat’s room only seemed to have gotten messier. Maybe they could blame it on the terrible twos, except rather than having her act out behavior wise, it was a complete destruction to her room.

He pours the water into the pot, waiting for it to boil before adding the noodles. He pulls out his phone, skimming through emails and texts while the noodles cook, noticing a text from Jo that says that she just got off and was now heading home.

Once the noodles were done, he pours in the cheese packet, followed by the milk and butter. He felt his mouth water, hunger from the day finally catching up to him. He was grateful that the box was large and Kat was so young, so that meant he could steal some of her dinner, and thankfully still have enough left over for Jo if she wanted some too. The last thing he had to eat was a small snack before his surgery hours ago. When the food finally came together, he turns off the stove, picking out a pink plastic bowl from the cabinet for Kat and a regular glass one for him. It was kind of funny how much their cupboards changed once they had their daughter. Half of what they owned was plastic and princess themed, cheap little things bought from places like the ninety-nine cent store. They quickly realized that the printed patterned bowls and cups from dollar stores worked just as well as the ten dollar four pack they purchased. Plastic spoons littered the drawers rather than just metal, little stars and hearts on the end of them different than tiny, intricate designs that they had gotten used to, since after their honeymoon they realized that one of the gifts they were registered for was real, fancy silverware. He liked those plastic spoons much more though. After all, the smile Kat got on her face when she asked for a princess spoon or fork never failed to melt his heart.

Just as he placed Kat’s bowl on the island counter, the little girl comes bumbling down the stairs, dressed in her favorite Cinderella nightgown and stuffed monkey clutched in her hand. She practically runs to her stool, making grabby hands so Alex knew she needed to be picked up. He does so, placing her in the seat before she digs into her food, smiling as if it was the best mac and cheese she’s ever tasted. She shovels the food into her mouth, getting it all over her face, finishing it even quicker than Alex, all while talking about her day in daycare in only a way a parent would be able to understand.

He laughs to himself, wetting a paper towel and wiping off her face, which proves to be a struggle because Kat couldn’t stop giggling. “Go put on some TV, I’ll clean up in here and we’ll watch something ‘till Mama gets home.” he ruffles her hair, messing up her ponytail, and Kat wastes no time before scurrying off the chair and dashing into the living room, climbing up on the couch and turning on the television, an old episode rerun of Max and Ruby playing.

Alex finishes up in the kitchen, washing the bowls before putting them in the dishwater and starting it, since it was now a full load. He walks up the stairs to his and Jo’s room, throwing on a pair of pajama pants and a shirt before settling down on the couch, pulling his daughter close to him. Kat immediately snuggles into his side, taking a tiny fist and bawling it into his shirt, something she’d been doing since she was a baby. (Katrina would always be a baby in his eyes, it didn't matter how old she got.)

Around halfway through the episode, he feels the little hand unclench his shirt, fingers start to violently attack his neck in strokes. He lets out a laugh, looking towards Kat, “What are you doing silly girl?” he grins.

“Tickling you Daddy!” she cheers, continuing to try to get a laugh off of him.

He opens his mouth dramatically, eyes widening as he takes in her delighted giggles. “Oh, Kitty-Kat, you don’t know what you’ve just done,” he sighs. Kat stops, looking up at her dad, confused.

“You’ve unleashed,” he meets her eyes, breaking out into a wide smile, “the tickle monster!” he pulls her towards his tickling her feet, sides, and neck all at once, the little girl's loud laughs filling the air.

“No tickle monster daddy!” she squeals, squirming around, trying to stop the attack on her sides, laughs echoing off the empty house.

At that moment, Alex makes eye contact with a grinning Jo, who was just stepping through the front door. At the sound of her daughter’s laughs she felt wide awake, and she knew that by Alex’s mischievous look she could join in on the fun. She silently heads toward the couch, plopping down and starting her own fingers assault on the little one’s sides.

“Mommy help!” Kat squirms once she sees her mom, looking directly at her with eyes that were a mirror image of her own.

Jo pulls the girl into her arms, planting a big kiss on her head, leaving behind remnants of her cherry chapstick. “Mommy’ll save you KK,” she grins, only to bite her lip and pull away.

“But Mommy is a tickle monster too!” she flips Kat around with ease, bringing her little feet up to her face and blowing raspberries on them like she did when she was still a baby.

“No no Mommy no!” the girl giggles, thrashing around in a failed attempt to wiggle out of her grasp. Just to her luck, her dad decides to join in again, giggles turning into loud laughs that came from her little belly, a grin so wide neither one of them had ever seen it before.

“I’m gonna eat you!” Jo presses little kisses all up the girls, legs acting as if they were bites, making her laugh even more in the process. Jo gnaws at the skin, making pops with her lips and clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “Mmm,” she hums face scrunching up playfully, “delicious” she grins, the sound of her daughter giggles filling her ears until it was all she could hear.

Alex and Jo share a look. This was one of those moments, the ones where all they wanted to do was just pause time and stay in this one freeze-frame for the rest of their lives. It was moments like these they wanted Kat to stay this way forever, this perfect age and unconditional love she had for everything.

But for now, these pure, unfiltered moments of happiness were all they would need.

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oh-so-scenarios · 4 years

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ᴛʜᴇ sᴇʀᴇɴᴅɪᴘɪᴛʏ ᴏғ ᴛʜɪɴɢs...♠| 08

⤖ ᴡʜᴏ ʜᴀs ᴛɪᴍᴇ ғᴏʀ sᴏᴜʟᴍᴀᴛᴇs? Jᴜɴɢ Hᴏsᴇᴏᴋ ɪs ᴛᴏᴏ ʙᴜsʏ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴏғ ʜɪs ᴍᴀғɪᴀ ɴᴇᴛᴡᴏʀᴋ. Hᴇ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟᴇᴛ ᴛʜᴇ sᴇʀᴇɴᴅɪᴘɪᴛʏ ᴏғ ʜɪs sᴏᴜʟᴍᴀᴛᴇ ᴍᴏᴠᴇ ʜɪᴍ…ʀɪɢʜᴛ?

⤖ Mᴀғɪᴀ Lᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ Hᴏsᴇᴏᴋ x ᴅᴏᴄᴛᴏʀ Fᴇᴍᴀʟᴇ Rᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ, Aɴɢsᴛ, sᴍᴜᴛ, sᴏᴜʟᴍᴀᴛᴇ!ᴀᴜ,

A/N: Unedited. This is kind of a filler chapter. Finally entering Phase 2 of this story. Lol yall don’t know what that means, but my goodness did it take a while. Please ignore any typos!

(Word Count: 6.1K)

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Y/N:

He hates me. I know it. I crossed the line. That’s probably what I did. I kissed him on the cheek? I confessed my feelings and probably made him even more uncomfortable? Way to go Y/n! Way to go!

It’s been 7 days since the Charity Gala, and while things were buzzing in the news about the transportation company that was being sued for the “loss” of the real artworks, Hoseok has been ignoring me like the plague. Or so I think.

Jennie and I are at the headquarters as much as we are at the hospital and in each visit, and I haven’t seen Hoseok once. No one said anything about him, or where he might be, so I can only assume I angered him. My heart feels...crushed? I thought there was a warm moment, a real moment somewhere in that night of fake hugs and smiles.

It must have been the alcohol getting to my head, thinking that something was...beginning. It was silent as Jennie and I cleaned up the operating area, the patient still not woken as he rested in the recovery bed.

This is 3rd surgery Jennie and I have performed for the black market. I seem to be the only uncomfortable, seeing as Jennie hums calmly while stripping the dirty gloves off her hands and slipping off the disposable plastic apron to reveal the dark blue scrubs that I also wore. I copied her motions, slipping my gloves off and throwing the apron into the trash bin.

I took a deep breath and placed my hands on my hips. After the patient was awake and well enough to leave, we’ll have to come back and clean the area better.

I looked over at Jennie who stared back at me with a knowing look, “Jungkook said he was buying fried chicken for everyone.” She spoke softly, glancing towards the knocked-out patient. I wordlessly walked past her to the sink, washing my hands with soap and drying them off.

I moved to the side, giving her the space to do the same. Her hair was pulled up into a high bun, and though I nagged her about that being inappropriate for surgery, she looked like a chich college student.

I stood by the sink waiting for her while she hummed to herself. She’s been very happy lately. It’s because of Jaehyun. He makes her happy, and the love radiating from her was depressing. She cheered me on, telling me that the kiss on the cheek was a brave move. It was a great move! I was being assertive!

But why do I feel like shit? Not a single text, not a call or even an order passed down to Jungkook. Hoseok is missing in action, and no one wants to admit it. If he didn’t hate me before, he hates me now.

We walked out of the room and out the lobby area, finding a chaotic scene. Six men seated around the large round table, fussing and bickering with boxes of fried chicken sat between them. I snickered at the scene, watching Jin stood from his seat to yell at Taehyung.

“You said you didn’t like Lemon pepper! Why are they over on your side!” His voice echoed through the place, while his eyes widen. He shook his head vigorously and his face turned a bright red. Giggles emerged in the room as Taehyung pushed the basket of chicken across the table.

I quietly walked up to a seat beside Namjoon who showed me a kind smile.

“Done with the surgery already?” Jimin chimes. I nod, glancing over the different types of chicken. Jennie sits about 3 seats away from me, digging into the food right away. Namjoon pushes a basket of some wings, silently offering it to me.

“Is Hoseok avoiding me?” I asked softly, I was hoping they wouldn’t hear me. That the loud smacking of lips as they ate would drown out my words, but everyone stopped to look at me. Yoongi’s brows furrowed and he looked towards the others as if they had the answer.

“What do you mean?” Namjoon asked from beside me. I sighed, leaning forward, looking over the wings once more.

“I haven’t seen him since the gala, and he’s not ordering me around like he usually does…” I trail off as I realize I sound like a whining child.

Jungkook raises an eyebrow at me, chewing the last of the food in his mouth before speaking.

“Boss traveled Y/n, I thought you knew,” Jungkook said a matter of a fact. My mouth made a small O shape, embarrassment consuming my whole body.

“He traveled?” I questioned, looking to Jin who was nodding slowly.

“He left 2 days after the gala, he has some business in Japan. I told him to tell you, but I guess he didn’t.” Jungkook adds with his eyes focused on the wing in his hands. His gaze flickered up to me knowingly.

Jungkook hasn’t asked me what we were arguing about at the gala when he interrupted, the ride home is silent, while I sniffled and wiped my tears. I can’t be certain why I was crying. Maybe it was because he thought so little of my feelings? Or he found it so hard to believe that someone could like him?

“Why would Boss avoid you?” Namjoon asked, before pointing at the wings he set in front of me. It was silent order to start eating or he was going to take them for himself.

I reached forward and grabbed one wing, twisting it around with my fingers. I can’t be sure what the flavor is, but that didn’t matter right now. The room grew quiet, some chewing and shuffling containers being all that’s heard.

I sighed, “I kissed him--”

“You kissed boss?!” Jungkook exclaims in...excitement?

“--On the cheek!” I add quickly, not wanting him to jump to conclusions.

“Wow noona” Jungkook said with his wide eyes gleaming, “and what did he do?

I shrugged, “Nothing. He didn’t say or do anything.” I took a bite of the wing, looking up to see all the guys at the table smiling slightly.

“So what were you so worried about?” Taehyung voices as he reaches for a napkin to clean his mouth.

“I thought I crossed the line? I didn’t want to anger him or come on too strong.” I was hesitant to say anymore. I only really talk to Jungkook. This is the first time I’m really having a conversation with anyone. Other than Yoongi of course. I didn’t feel uncomfortable though.

The older guys, Namjoon, Seokjin, and Yoongi, weren’t strangers; but they certainly weren’t close friends. They work the closest with Hoseok, so I don't see them as often as I do Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung. They do the more of the details for Hoseok. They aren’t as eager to share as the younger guys.

“Hoseok will only protest never encourage.” When Seokjin says it like he’s solved the case, my brows furrow. I’m not following.

After meeting my unclear facial expression, he sighed and leaned back in his seat.

“He didn’t say anything, so he didn’t hate it. If he didn’t like it, he’d let you know for sure.”

“That’s just how Hoseok is.” Yoongi adds simply, “And if you are so curious to what he’s up to, just call him.”

“Call him?”

“Duh. If you’re bothering him, he won’t even pick up. You’ve already gone ahead to do something bold like kissing him, you can’t get bashful now.” Yoongi starts to work on another wing, taking a big bite before reaching for the open water bottle on the table. He pushes his hair back, despite the thick headband that was already feeding that purpose.

Jennie hadn’t spoken this whole time, too busy stuffing her face with wings. I kept eating while she wiped her mouth with her arm, my eyes widening at the uncharacteristic behavior. Jaehyun is rubbing off on her and that’s clear. Jennie used to be ...stiff. A bit stuck up but not enough to come off as a bitch.

She had high standards and expected only the finer things, yet she would also go with the flow of things, not wanting on the chance to experience something she could later brag about. Since meeting Jaehyun, she has loosened up in terms of the proper chip that was on her shoulder.

“I say,” She takes a sip of water, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t her water to take.

She repeats herself, “I say you keep on with what you’re doing. Be forward. You have to be with a laid back guy like Hoseok. Call him, holding his hand, kiss his cheek and all that. If he says he doesn’t like it, stop.”

Taehyung claps his hands together, “We won’t say anything about it and act oblivious! Just do what feels right and we’ll act like it’s nothing new!”

Taehyung pumps his fight up into the air, the whole action being something you’d expect if he was drunk.

“Operation ‘help Boss understand Y/n’s feelings’ is a go!”

“He understands,” I mumble, “I told him that I liked that despite his lifestyle.”

Taehyung shook his head, “No Y/n...we need him to understand!” He deepened his voice on the word ‘understand’.

“Hyung is very smart, but he’s also...dense when it comes to things like this. For him to understand, he needs to see actions. Once he feels like he’s got a handle on the situation, he’ll possibly respond or make a move.”

I chuckled, “You really know Hoseok really well.”

Taehyung kisses his teeth, “I’ve been studying the mystery that is Jung Hoseok for 8 years now.”

~!~

It sounded so easy when the others were talking about it. Call him. Don’t text him, but call him. But now that I am lying on my bed, the butterflies in my stomach were overwhelming. I look at the clock on my wall to see that it’s nearing 10pm, I’m sure he’s awake.

I grabbed my phone, scrolling and finding his contract. I pressed his name and watched the screen change as the number dialed. I placed the phone on speaker, staring up at the ceiling while I waited, hoping to hear his voice.

A few more rings later, and it went to voicemail. I sighed, hanging up before it could start recording. Of course, he’s busy. According to Namjoon, Hoseok is going for his actual investment work. One day I’ll get Hoseok to tell me more about his investment company. It’s thriving and doing well.

I turned onto my side, sleep suddenly growing heavy on my eyes. It’s been a long day and I was finally feeling the tiring work of the day while my body relaxed and went slack against my bed and pillow.

I don’t remember how long my eyes were closed before I felt a buzzing vibrating the bed. My eyes fluttered open, and though my vision was blurry, I could make out the caller ID.

I grabbed my phone quickly, swiping to answer and hitting the speaker button. I set it down on my bed, staring at the black screen while soft breathing sounded through the iPhone speaker.

“Doc.” He said quietly. He sounded bored, with no sense of urgency or sleepiness. I looked at the clock again. It is 11:34pm.

“Hi.” I croaked, eyes widen at my own voice. I cleared my throat as quietly as I could.

“I woke you up.” He said, almost sounding sorry.

I shook my head slowly as if he could see me lying there in my bed, with my hair a mess and my baggy T-shirt and shorts.

“I don’t mind. I don’t work tomorrow.” I answered. There a beat of silence, and I can hear cars zooming in the background.

“You called me?” He sounded annoyed, not because I called, but the fact that I wasn’t speaking.

“Yeah,” I replied softly, “I didn’t realize you traveled.”

“I guess I didn’t tell you, it was sort of last minute. I had to handle some business.” He replied.

“Oh, I see.” I pause for a moment, “I hope I’m not bothering you when you’re busy.” I rush out that last bit, my nerves getting to me.

“No, you’re not.”

“Ok, cool. Umm...how much longer are you staying in Japan?” My desperate attempts at preventing an awkward silence.

“Why?” I could hear the smirk in his voice, “Do you miss me?” He chuckles soon after, showing that he was teasing. I bit on my bottom lip nervously as he laughed. I gripped my bedsheets in on hand and closed my eyes, thinking of how I should be bold. Without opening my eyes I spoke the first thing that came to mind.

“I miss you a lot.” Hearing the words leave my lips caused my skin to tingle. My eyes remain closed while I listen to Hoseok on the other line. His laughter dies down and I heard a slight shuffle. He doesn’t speak for a short time, leaving me in my dread and fear.

“I’ll be back in 4 days,” His teasing tone was no more, he spoke simply and plainly. My shoulders drop in relief. He’s ignoring my statement, which I regret even saying so him ignoring it is for the best. I heard more shuffling and what sounded like a car door closing.

My eyes stay closed as I speak again.

“Good,” My voice is light, sleepiness taking hold of me again. I yawned lightly, and we sit in silence for a little while.

“Go to bed, Y/n.” Sounding like he was ordering a child. But I was too tired to say something smart.

“Good night Hoseok, sorry for bothering you,” I muttered.

He takes in a deep breath, sounding like he made up his mind on something, “Y/n?”

I hum in reply, irritation rising as he was keeping me from falling asleep.

“Whenever you start missing me, just call me.” He said the words casually, but he spoke quietly this time. My eyes snapped open in surprise. He cleared his throat, showing discomfort with his own words. He’s nervous? I looked at my phone in time to see the screen flash to black as he hung up the phone without a goodbye.

What...did...he--

He said to call him whenever I start missing him? I laid there with my eyes wide and my mind empty. My heart racing to the point of my vision vibrating as I stared blankly at the wall opposite of me.

The conversation was short, awkward and almost forced but...it wasn’t awful. I would like to think that he enjoyed our conversation. He also didn’t say anything about the kiss or the gala. But it was nice to have a small normal chat.

Whenever you start missing me, just call me.

My lips turned up into a shy smile, “He’s too cute.” I say to no one in particular.

To say, nothing had changed...wrong. But to say things had changed would also be wrong. Hoseok hasn’t brought up the gala, the kiss or even the investigation being conducted on the small delivering company that is being accused of swapping the real art with fake art.

Hoseok wasn’t really attempting to make conversation, but he wouldn’t suggest hanging up whenever we sat in silence. He comes back from Japan tomorrow, but I’ve called him 2 more times in the past 3 days. Usually later at night, when he is on his way back to the hotel. Calling him the second time was harder than calling the first time.

Whenever you start missing me, just call me. What was that? Where did that come from? He doesn’t make mention of it again, and neither do I. But it feels like his words loomed over us with every conversation we had. Like he wanted to say something about it but was waiting for me to bring it up.

I stared up at the ceiling as I heard the shuffling of bedsheets and blankets. Unlike the other times I called, Hoseok was actually in his hotel bed this time. Since our conversations were barely conversations. I’d ask him how his day was, I’d get a one-word answer followed by me desperately trying to keep the flow of things going. I wanted to try and dig deeper. If he doesn’t want to tell me. He won’t.

“Hoseok?” My voice sounds quiet and lacks confidence. When he replies he sounds distracted and I can faintly hear his fingers tapping away at his phone screen.

“Yeah?” He sounds distracted.

“So you took over for your father when you were 16?” I asked timidly, a slight tremble in my voice. I heard another shuffle, with a small sigh following after.

“Yeah,” He answered, “No big deal.”

He was trying to brush it off, but I wasn’t going to move on that quickly.

“It must have been scary...dealing with the death of your father, but also being ushered into such a big role.”

“I don’t want your pity.” He hissed. My heart dropped a bit, feeling the peaceful chat turning dour.

“I’m not pitying you, I just imagine it must have been hard.”

“I managed, I had the guys to help me out. I did what was expected of me and I turned out fine.”

I opened my mouth to reply but he kept speaking, so I sat and listened.

“My dad was sick, and I knew what was coming so I was ready for it. I prepared and was able to move forward.”

“How do you prepare for something like that? Taking such a big role I mean.”

He groans, “I don’t know. I just stopped hanging out with friends, I stopped my hobbies and things like that. My relationship with the guys also changed. It was...rough.”

My eyes perked up, “You knew the guys before?”

Hoseok lets out a humorless chuckle, a bitterness underlying the action.

“They were my best friends before I became their boss.” He sounded sad, and I felt sad as well. There was a longing in his voice. How much as his relationship with the boys changed? They seem...close, right? I wouldn’t exactly call their relationship the typical friendship, but I wouldn’t say it’s lacking.

Before I respond, ready to reassure Hoseok, a thought enters my mind. I don’t know what their friendship was before, and how or why did the guys agree to do such work for Hoseok? Were they already aware of Hoseok’s father and the lifestyle he had?

“They’re still your best friends now.” I inject, wondering why he was speaking in the past tense.

He scoffs, “Nah, I wouldn’t agree.”

“Why?”

“They just work for me at this point, I doubt they like me anymore.” The statement sounded so insecure. My brows furrowed and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The flashbacks to Taehyung’s cheeky smile as he spoke about Hoseok were battling the words I just heard.

“What?” I shake my head, “What would make you think that? Has the boss, employee overshadowed the friendship? Is that what you think?”

He doesn’t respond, leaving me with his calm breathing as a sign of his distress.

“I don’t think it’s that way at all Hoseok! If you feel that way, I think you should talk to them about it.”

When he still refuses to speak, my heart grows heavier. Does he go around just thinking everyone holds some sort of animosity, does he? The conversation at the gala makes sense, and a light bulb flickers on above my head.

Do you really like me?

“Why are you so keen on having everyone detest you?” My tone comes out a bit rougher than I intended, but it doesn’t seem like he noticed.

“My line of work doesn’t really let me be a people person.”

“But that’s work, isn’t it? There’s a time where you gotta shut the work mindset off...right?”

Another beat of silence, my own breathing sounding louder than Hoseok’s. Another shuffle from his end and a grunt. I’m guessing he was changing his position on the bed.

“Go to sleep, doc. You’ll see me tomorrow.” That’s all he said and the line disconnected. He hung up.

Once again I’m left lying in my bed with my thumping heart and my thoughts. What a ball of secrets Jung Hoseok is. Just what is going on in that head and heart of his?

~!~

“We did the best we could,” I said to Jennie as we walked down the hospital hallway. We trailed behind Dr. Lee who was looking down at his clipboard. Our heels click against the tile floor, as we zoom towards room 323. We were on our way to check on a patient who just woke from a surgery we performed the day before.

We already knew this was going to be a rough one. A terrible car accident has left a couple in a sad state. The wife, an older woman in her early 50’s had damage to her legs, leaving her partially paralyzed. Only temporarily. With proper physical therapy, Ms. Cho will be able to walk again.

As for Mr. Cho, he is stuck in a sleep-like-state. A coma, one could say, however it is believed that he can hear his surroundings. Though we did surgery to stop the internal bleeding, the seriousness of his injuries can’t be known until he awake.

I glanced at my outfit, the yellow dress seeming too bright for the depressing atmosphere we were going to enter. However, the yellow dress was significant to my mood. The happy butterflies floating around my stomach were clouding my focus.

It was a dress Jennie gifted me a few months back, and it sat in my closet collecting dust. The dress stopped right at my knees, it’s shaping being form-fitting with being skin tight. The hem of the skirt ruffled out, giving it a spring vibe. The whole dress was covered in white polka dots, less than you would regularly see for the pattern. The v neck wasn’t deep enough to be inappropriate, and the sort sleeves also had the same ruffle as the skirt hem. My white heels complimented the whole look.

When I strolled into work today, Jennie was sipping her coffee, only to have her eyes widen as she choked.

“Wow,” She breathed, “You look hot!” I cringed, gesturing my hands for her to bring her voice down. She was being too loud. A few nurses turned their eyes, raising their eyebrows.

“Mr. Jung must be returning today,” one of the nurses at the help desk muttered loudly, “I heard he hasn’t been at any board meetings because he traveled.” I turned my head towards the voice to meet a teasing set of eyes.

I stared at her and she shrugged, “Am I wrong?” She giggled looking me up and down. The other nurses giggled along with her.

“It is that obvious?” I whispered to Jennie. She took another sip from her Starbucks cup before she gave me a thorough once over. She takes a look at my outfit, a cheesy smile pulling at her lips while her eyes moved up to my face.

“Oh hell yeah.” She chimes. I grunt, covering my face with both hands.

“He’s going to think I’m such a try-hard.” I groaned then adjusted my white doctor’s coat to try to cover the dress more.

Jennie bites her lip, the red lipstick that painted them not smudging one bit. She brought her coffee cup up to her lips as if to take a sip. She raised her shoulders and turned her body to the side as if she was hiding something from me with her body.

“Y/n, I’d be more worried that you’d make him hard.” She whispers just loud enough for me to hear. My face heats up and a coy expression grazes my face.

“You think so?”

“Oh, I know so!” She exclaimed, winking at me.

We stood there waiting for Mr. Lee to arrive. He told us to meet him here at noon, and it’s already 12:23. The longer we stood there talking, the more I noticed glances my way from patients and fellow workers.

“Is the dress inappropriate for work?” My face scrunches up and my insecure questions slip from my lips.

“No, not at all. You’re just giving off different vibes than usual. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, you look good.”

Before I could reply, Jennie spoke again, “You talked to him on the phone yesterday?”

“Yup,” I said popping the p, “The conversation gets...better. It was very weird at first but it’s smoother now. You can tell he doesn’t usually do that kind of thing.”

Jennie nodded in an approving manner, “That’s sweet.” She smiled and took another long sip of her coffee from tossing the empty cup into the nearby trash can. She turned back around just as Dr. Lee rounded the corner.

“Took him long enough,” Jennie said under her breath. She stuffed her hands into her coat pockets, giving me a better look of her outfit. She wore a simple black turtleneck, the fabric looking too thin to protect from any cold, and a sage green skirt that was shorter than my dress with black heels. Her red lipstick popped and her slicked-back ponytail with the side part made her look so slick.

Jennie takes more risks with her outfits than I do. She dances right on the line of a provocative and voguish. No wonder this amazing dress I’m wearing is something she bought me. My hair was down today, Jennie telling me that pulled the outfit together more.

“Sorry for being late ladies. I-” Dr. Lee’s voice catches in his throat as he looked up from his clipboard. He gawked at me, blinking his eyes repeatedly and racking his eyes down my body. He snaps out of his trance not a second later, looking back to my face and shamelessly smiling at me.

“Dr. L/n, you are...breath-taking.” He said honestly.

I roll my eyes, “Thank you, Dr. Lee.”

“Let me take you out to dinner.”

I falsely give it some thought, “Mh, sure! I’ll be sure to bring Mr. Jung along.”

His smile drops at the mention of Hoseok, but the flirty nature in his eyes doesn’t change.

“Well, I’ll always be here.” He said with a wink, looking down at his clipboard again.

“And that’s unfortunate.” Jennie jeered back.

And that’s how we ended up where we are now, marching down the hallway to deliver not so good news to an older lady. By the time we reached the door of room 323, yelling could be heard. A thin and harsh voice was shouting while the calm voice of a nurse battled on.

Dr. Lee opened the door and all the noise stopped.

“Ms. Cho.” Dr. Lee said as he stepped in and we followed.

“Where is my husband?!” She shouts.

Dr. Lee sighs, “Please Ms. Cho, give us some time to help you understand what is going on.”

After she yells on for a few more minutes, Dr. Lee manages to calm her down. Her chest rises and falls intensely as lays back in her hospital bed. Her brows were furrowed and she glowered at us. Her gaze shifted between the 3 of us. Dr. Lee is going to do most of the talking, and we were just here to give the details of the surgery and the results.

Jennie and I took some time to explain to Ms. Cho the results of her surgery along with the condition of her legs. We had to pause for a moment as she cried. I made sure to give her a tissue and tried my best to comfort her. After we finished updating her on her condition, came the hard news of her husband.

There is no easy way to break news like that. And it’s always hard to see how people handle news like this. One of the nurses rubbed her back as she sobbed. Her black hair falling into her face.

We were in there for quite some time, setting up her physical therapy appointments. Jennie was discussing with Dr. Lee while I spoke to the nurse regarding the changes to Ms. Cho’s care.

“Young lady,” Ms. Cho suddenly says to me, sniffling in the process. I look over at her, showing a small smile.

“I know you have many patients to take care of, and you probably hear this a lot. But...my husband is my everything. Please do whatever you can to save him. Money isn’t an issue.” It’s hard to believe this soft-spoken woman was the same angry voice shouting earlier.

Her bloodshot eyes were tired and sad, but in general, she looked young for her age. Her skin lacked wrinkles or any significant sign of aging.

I smiled at her, “Of course Ms. Cho, we will do our best.”

A small smile pulls at the corner of her lips and I watch her eyes move to my white coat, “Dr. L/n?” She reads my name.

I smile, “Yup, that’s me. Y/n L/n.”

“A lovely name for a lovely girl.” She says softly.

“Thank you so much, ma’am. I must say you’re also very beautiful.”

She laughs slightly, having it fade off into a sigh, “My beauty is all I have at this point.”

She throws a gentle punch at her legs, “These things are useless.” She mutters.

“Ms. Cho, you won’t be in a wheelchair forever, we can promise you that,” I assured her.

She looks towards Dr. Lee and back at me, “Is that guy any good? His rehearsed smile and strong cologne are throwing me off.”

I cough to hide my laughter while the nurse closes to me giggles with her hand covering her mouth.

“Dr. Lee is one of the finest doctors I know, he won’t lead you astray. His smile may be a practice, but if there’s one thing that is genuine, it’s his love for helping others.” She nods like my words put her doubts to rest.

“Thank you Dr. L/n, and I apologize for yelling at you earlier. That isn’t like me.” She looks down shyly, clearly embarrassed by her previous behavior.

“Don’t worry about it Mrs. Cho, I would have reacted the same way. You just went through a very disorienting series of events. I wouldn’t expect you to be poised.”

She smiles but soon gasps as if forgetting something.

“And the other driver? How is he?”

While I explained the conditions of the other driver, who also had serious injuries, Jennie and Dr. Lee came back from the corner of the room they were standing in.

“Mrs. Cho, you’ll be staying with us here at Seoul Sky Hospital for some time and we’re happy to have you. We will do whatever we can to give you a steady recovery; we will also work to look after your husband.” She nods, showing a strained smile. After a few more words, we start to shuffle out of the room. I am the last to leave, giving her a small smile.

~!~

I’m sitting in the passenger's seat of the car while Jennie sits in the back with her arms stretched up across the seat. Her back leans against the door while her eyes are closed. Jungkook is driving yelling at Jin who is on speakerphone.

“Boss agreed to buy dinner, and you wanna eat chicken...again? Let’s get noodles!” Jungkook whines. I giggled as he pouts.

“Yah! He said we could order whatever! I’ll order chicken and you order noodles!”

“Why do we have to order from too different places?” Jungkook replies.

“Just figure something out!” Someone barks in the background. It sounds like Yoongi. I can just picture Hoseok sitting among the chaos.

I laughed at their banter, but it came out a bit chopped. My nerves were getting to me. I was quiet most of the ride, but just like everyone said, be bold. Do whatever feels right. What’s the worst that could happen? He could reject me? Embarrass me in front of all the guys, and make the atmosphere?

Yikes! I just cringed at the thought.

I shut the car door and followed behind Jungkook and Jennie as he did the regular door unlocking as well as the double doors. Everyone was in the “lobby” area. Jimin and Taehyung stood around Yoongi who sat at the circular table. They were clearly annoyed him, as he sat there with a blank face as they poked at him.

Jin sat a few sat away from Yoongi and had a smaller MacBook opened.

Namjoon stood in front of the chalkboard, writing and a few things, and beside him was Hoseok. My heart hammered a bit. I could see most of his back, and a bit of his side profile. He on the circular table, some papers in his hands. He was looking between the papers in his hand and the words that Namjoon was writing.

He wore an oversized red t-shirt, and grey joggers with black sneakers. He wore one of those fancy Rolex watches on his risk and his hair was a bit messy.

There’s that same old focused face of his.

Jungkook left my side, heading towards Jin who I guess was ordering food. Jennie gave me a knowing smile and nodded towards Hoseok. I walked further into the room, feeling self-conscious as I caught the guys' attention. I no longer had my white doctor’s coat to hide in.

One of the guys' whistle and I ducked my head down shyly. Namjoon turns around at the sound but Hoseok doesn’t seem to care.

“Hi everyone,” I said shyly as I got closer.

Everyone says their hellos, well everyone but Hoseok. Namjoon smiled at me, his gaze flickering to Hoseok quickly. Namjoon turned back to the blackboard and continued with what he was writing.

Jennie also went about greeting everyone, saying her hellos before taking a seat at the table. She leans back and grins while crossing her arms. I act oblivious to the fact that everyone was secretly waiting for me to approach Hoseok. I walk around the table, ending up on his right side.

“Hey,” I said softly.

“Hey,” Hoseok replies pausing for a beat before looking at me. I don’t miss the way his eyelashes flutter and his eyes flickered down my body quickly.

“How was your flight?” I asked just as his eyes met mine again. His eyes were narrowed

“It was good.” Since he was seated on the table, his line of sight was my face, making us the same height at that moment. He refocuses on what Namjoon is writing.

There’s that warmth I always feel when he’s around. His presence is so...comforting.

I stare at his profile for a second more and just...do what feels right.

I take hold of his bicep while leaning forward and I did the same thing I did at the gala. I kissed him on the cheek. I pulled back, my face still close. He looks at me, eyes wide. I smile in response, almost wanting to laugh at the deer in the headlights expression that was on his face.

“I’m glad you’re back,” I spoke softly. His eyes, no longer wide, scanned over my face. His eyes narrowed and he looked at me...wantingly? My eyes widen in response. Whoa. I drew back completely, taking my hand off his bicep and noticing just how the atmosphere in the room changed.

I faced the board, flustered by Hoseok’s gaze on me.

“S-so what are you writing, Namjoon?” I asked quickly and my heart fluttered, wondering if Hoseok’s eyes were still on me. And they were. I could feel his eyes on the profile of my face. I drew in a deep breath, trying to seem interested in what Namjoon was telling me.

Something about someone going around Korea saying they are ‘Seok’ the mafia head and creating trouble. Someone is basically pretending to be Hoseok.

I nodded understandingly.

“Boss is looking hungry,” Taehyung sang playfully as he walked around the table.

Jennie snickers and to no one, in particular, says, “But not for food.”

I turn to look at Hoseok just in time to see his gaze move from me to the paper in his hand. He scoffs, in a light manner this time, and a small smile stays on his lips as he goes back to reading the document. Chuckles sound through the room at Jennie’s remark. Hoseok doesn’t say anything, focusing on the work at hand.

But the red color of his ears said it all.

“Cute.” I cooed to myself, and Hoseok heard, his red ears getting even brighter.

Hoseok, I’m gonna break those walls down Brick by brick.

♠----♠----♠-----♠

Thank you for reading! Like, reblog and let me know what you think :)) I also have a question for you, how do you view “Y/n” in terms of personality and character? Also any predictions?

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captainscanadian · 4 years

Text

Better | Bucky Barnes x Reader (Part 7)

My Masterlist

Summary: You finally decide to open up to your friends, realizing that opening up your heart would definitely make everything better. You knew exactly what you needed to be better.

Word Count: 7170

Pairing: Doctor!Bucky x Doctor!Reader, Doctor!Natasha x Platonic!Reader, Lawyer!Peggy x Platonic!Reader, Doctor!Tony

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of Abuse & Alcoholism, Surgery, Organ Donation, IV & Needles, Emotional Distress, Physical Pain, Drugs, Hospital Stay, Homelessness, Anxiety, Betrayal

A/N: After the last few updates, some of you have been very upset with me and I know that. I hope this make all of you happy. <3 Gif is not mine, credits to the respective owner!

Primum non nocere // “First, do no harm”

Though some may say that Latin was a dead language, it was that single Latin phrase which you had always lived by. No one really knew the origins of that phrase. Whether this exact phrase was even mentioned in the original Hippocratic Oath was debatable, but it is commonly believed that the promise “to abstain from doing harm” in the modern version oath itself came from this particular Latin phrase.

As a doctor, you had sworn to uphold the Hippocratic Oath in order to be able to practice medicine. But upholding the oath did not just apply to you practicing medicine alone. It was certainly binding; it was a sacred piece of text to all doctors, nurses and other medical professionals in the world for generations. It applied to the way you lived your life, just as much as it applied to the way you practiced medicine. Perhaps the Hippocratic Oath had been the reason why you were currently in this situation. After all, being a better person had been just as important to you as being a better doctor.

“I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures that are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.”

You had firmly believed that it was your duty to apply all measures that are required for the benefit of the sick. That was why you had even volunteered to donate your liver in the first place. Even if he was your abusive father, he was still a patient. This was a measure that only you could have taken, for you were your father’s only offspring. Anyone else may have had a choice in whether they must come forward to donate a piece of their liver to save another life, but as a doctor who had sworn to the Hippocratic Oath, you had been left with no choice. You had to do what you had to do. There was no other option for you than cutting out a piece of your own flesh.

“If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.”

It was true. You as a doctor, with your knowledge and the skills that you had acquired from the professors and surgeons before you, did have the power to take a life as much as you had the power to save a life. All it took was one wrong cut, one wrong dosage and one wrong judgement to take a life on your table. But as a physician, you could certainly not do that. You had to uphold the Hippocratic Oath. Did this certain promise to not use your power to take a life or play at God not apply to every other decision you made in your life? You did have the power to take your father’s life had you chosen not to move forward with the transplant. With his position on the list and the wait time for a liver transplant, he certainly would not have made it. But you knew that it was not the right thing to do. You could not violate your oath nor play at God like that. You had to do what was within your power to save his life, not take it.

“I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.”

This was your obligation as member of society to your fellow human beings. Your father, regardless of who he was and whatever the issues you had with him, was a fellow human being who deserved to be treated as such.

You had thought that you did the right thing by donating your liver. You had saved his life and it had brought you a sense of relief. You had not brought him harm. You had often wondered if you leaving behind your parents had brought them more harm than good. Had you intentionally did them harm? While you wished that the answer was no, you knew that was certainly not the truth. After all, you had done them harm... though not physically, you had put them in harm’s way by worsening their financial situation. It was only a matter of time before they end up on the streets of Buck’s County, and as someone who’s had to live through that, even if it was for one night, you would not even wish that upon your worst enemy let alone your own parents.

You could not deny that a part of you wanted to fix this for them. You wanted nothing more than to make their lives easy. After all, you had made their lives harder as they had made your life harder as well. Sure, they had abused you. But you could not blame them for their behavior. Losing their business had put a strain on their whole being. While being a child who needed to be provided with food, clothing and shelter was certainly not your fault, you blamed the added stress of providing for a child along with the emotional distress that came with being bankrupt for being their reasons to take it all out on you. Had they been right about doing what they did? No, certainly not. But should you wish that they must continue to be punished for their wrong-doings? Had they not had enough, being hated by an entire town while their own child had fled them? Had they not had enough, with your father drinking away his health and your mother being burdened to be the sole breadwinner of the family? They had had enough. You could not let things get worse for them.

You certainly did have the money. But you also knew that paying off their medical bills would mean that you could no longer afford to keep your make shift clinic running at the local homeless shelter. You had been put in a position where you had to choose between the countless of homeless people who depended on that shelter and your clinic and your own biological family. And what kind of a daughter, let alone human being could you be, if you chose to help those unknown people while your own family might even end up in the streets at this point. This choice was certainly not as easy as the first one.

It had taken a few days for the hospital’s in-house attorney to draft a proper contract upon the request of Dr. James Barnes. But she had done it to the best of her ability, ensuring that by accepting his payment, your parents did agree to never contact you ever again. She had triple-checked that this contract had no loopholes and that you were protected from them, as you should have always been.

She had even informed Dr. Romanoff, Dr. Wilson and Dr. Parker of the situation, for they had been the doctors on your case and needed to know of the current circumstances between you and the recipient of your liver. However, she had only shared the financial aspects and not the emotional ones. After all, she still respected your privacy and decision not to over-share the issues your personal life with anyone else, even if they were your friends.

For the sake of protecting you and this hospital, though she knew that your parents were certainly not smart enough to come after the hospital anyways, she had also informed Dr. Stark of what Dr. Barnes was about to do. There was no reason for the hospital to be involved in this transaction, unless there was an eventual lawsuit, which there would not be. As long as the hospitals bills were paid off, Tony did not object to it. In a way, even he had cared about ensuring that your abusive parents were out of your life. He had even mentioned to Peggy about him paying off the bills out of his own pocket; all it took was a little nudge from the attorney for the Chief of Surgery to understand that this was Bucky’s burden to bear.

“No, he pays them off. She finds out, even though he doesn’t want her to. Then she’ll finally realize that he’s been in love with her all along. She’ll ask him about it. He’ll have no choice but to fess up and they’ll both live happily ever after. Is that not what you want, Tony?” Peggy Carter had asked him, a hint of frustration evident in her voice. As a mother herself, she was disappointed extremely disappointed at what your own parents had done. If she could have done more than just draft a contract in this situation, she would have done it all. Hell, she would have taken their asses to court and ripped them to shreds if you did have a strong case. But you did not and this was the next best thing she could do for you. “Because that’s literally what every single person in this entire fucking hospital wants at this point.”

“Do you really think he’ll fess up though? I made a bet with Pep. She says he will but... I wouldn’t put all of my faith in him.” Tony had remarked with a chuckle.

“This thing’s been going on and on forever. It’s about time it all came to an end.”

“But he doesn’t even want her to know that he’s paying them off. How is she going to find out about it?” He had asked the lawyer, his eyebrow raised at her.

“Do you think I’m an idiot, Tony?” She asked the man as she crossed her arms against her chest. “He can be this selfless, righteous... ‘I just want to protect her even though she doesn’t love me back and I don’t want to put my money down because of my own personal gains’ ... all he wants, but I’m not going to let him do whatever he pleases by now. The bloke’s the godfather of my child and she’s the closest thing Steve’s had to a sister. Those two are going to get together by the end of this thing and I’ll make sure of it.”

“Sounds like you’re meddling, Peggy. Are you a meddler though?” He asked as he feigned a dramatic gasp. “Is this what my father taught you? Meddling? Really? Is that what Howard taught you to do in court? How often do you do this in court anyways? How much have you meddled in the past?”

“Oh get over yourself...” She rolled her eyes at him. “As a matter of fact, your father did... teach me what it means to meddle in certain cases, not that I agreed with him or anything like that. There is a reason why I left his firm all those years ago but that’s not the point. This isn’t a court case, its Bucky and Y/N’s life and I’m going to meddle... the living shit out of it if it means that we’ll get a happy ending. Steve agrees that someone’s got to do something and he knows he’s not the right one to do it either. So, I’m going to meddle and get those two together, even if it’s the last thing I do.”

“I guess I better get ready to lose my bet with Pepper then.”

While Peggy did not completely agree with Bucky’s decision to pay off your parents himself, she knew that this was the only plausible solution to your dilemma. Though there were certain legal actions that could have been taken against your parents, she knew that you would not want to go forward with that. And even if you did make that call and had approached her for legal advice yourself, she would have told you not to do it. After all, the court would have suggested settlement anyways. A case of emotional extortion would not stand in court and knowing of your past, the last thing Peggy would have wanted was for you to relive that trauma in a court room. The court room was a brutal place just as it was and you had suffered enough.

“Are you alright, love?” She asked you as she sat down at the edge of your bed, her hand reaching over to grab yours. “I know you’ve had a rough couple of days but is there anything... anything we could do for you?”

Your eyes glazed over as you shook your head. “No... no, I... I’ll be fine, Peg.” You croaked out. You were still in and out of consciousness, thanks to the pain medications that continued to be pumped into your system. The dosage was controlled, but it made no difference. Even when you were completely knocked out, a part of you still felt the pain. But you could not tell for sure if the pain you had been feeling was physical or emotional. It was blurry...

“Sweetheart, you know you can talk to us about anything... right?” Natasha asked you as she stood by your bedside. To say that a part of her felt slightly frustrated that you had not opened up to her over the years would be an understatement. But she understood that you must have had a valid reason for trusting only a few people. Though she could not deny that she had grown to despise your parents a lot more now that she had found out about their attempt at extorting money from you, she had tried her hardest not to show it when she had to face them. After all, she was still in a conflicted position being your father’s doctor and your friend. She wanted nothing more than for all of this to be done for good. After hearing from Peggy about Bucky’s decision, all she could do was hope that the man would finally come forward and confess his feelings to you. She knew that he did not want to do that but she also knew him. She had known him for years, ever since they were residents. If anything, Dr. James Barnes was good and fixing broken hearts and your broken heart was indeed his to fix. “We’re your friends, Y/N. We’re here for you because we care about you. You know that, right?”

You sniffled as you turned over to look at your general surgeon, though you tried to ignore her words. A part of you wondered if your request might offend her, but it was for the best. You did not want to hurt her as much as you did not want to get yourself hurt again as well. You had a reason to want what you had wanted, so you might as well just ask her already. “Actually... Nat, there is something you could do for me.” You told her with a nervous smile, a sigh escaping your chapped lips as you looked over at her..

The red-headed surgeon perked up at your response. “Sure, what is it? What can I do for you?” Ever since you had first started working it this hospital, Natasha Romanoff had been the one who had constantly approached you in hopes of befriending you. Though her attempts had often failed, she took no offense to that. She had heard from Steve that you were not the kind of person who liked to hang out in a large group of people so she had let it slide until you were ready to accept her friendship.

You could not deny that this woman was extremely forward and perky, much to your dismay at first. It may have taken you a few weeks to warm up to her, thanks to a heart-liver transplant that the two of you had first worked together on. But eventually, you had managed to hang out with her outside of work. You were not one to go out a lot, but when you did, it had always been because you had accepted Natasha’s invite.

Even when it came to her being your father’s doctor, you had requested for her to be yours too. In most transplant cases, the donor and the recipient had different doctors and a whole separate team dedicated to them, working on them separately. But Natasha had been the one you had trusted with your own life. You had asked her to be the one to cut you open and remove your liver and she had made the arrangements to do so. You had trusted her to be your doctor and she was your doctor, a good one at that.

“Can you... can you refer me to... psych?” You asked her as you looked down at your lap. “Preferably with Dr. Rhodes, he already has a file on me and he’s familiar with me... I think I have a lot to talk to him about.”

Dr. Romanoff frowned at your request as she walked up to you, sitting down across from Peggy and taking your other hand in hers. “Y/N, honey...” She let out a sigh and you could have sworn that you saw her eyes glaze over with tears. “I’m not going to pressure you to open up to us. None of what’s been happening to you lately is any of our business. But it breaks my heart that you... that you’d rather share what’s going on with you to a psychiatrist than your own friends. I don’t know what it would take for you to trust us... but we’re all here for you and we’re all worried about you. I just want you to know that we’re not going to leave you hanging. And as your doctor, I’m telling you... you don’t need a psychiatrist. You need a friend. You need a family and you have a god damn family. You have all of us.”

You wanted to believe it. You really did. But you did not know if you should. Someone else had said these exact words to you all those years ago and you had believed her, only to realize how wrong you had been about putting all of your trust in her. She had also said the opposite of these exact words to you to and you had still believed her. For all these years, you had held back from making close friends because you had been terrified to get hurt again, the same way she had hurt you.

Peggy reached over to place her free hand on Nat’s shoulder and turned over to look at you with a frown that matched hers. “Sweetheart, come on... we’re not going to let you go through this alone. Steve’s not going to let you go through this alone. Tony’s not going to let you go through this alone. Barnes... is not going to let you go through this alone.”

You could not deny that your heart skipped a beat when the woman had mentioned his name. Dr. James Barnes had always had a special place in your heart. You knew that you shared a very special bond with him, a bond that was just not the same as what you had or did not have with anyone else at this Brooklyn Hospital. You had met him that night when you had been at one of your lowest points in life; you had been ready to give up on your entire career that night, which had been the one thing that had kept you going up until that point. You would have given up on your whole life had you not met him, for he had told you to aim to be a better surgeon and you had strived to be just that over the years. In a way, he was the reason why you were still alive today.

You remembered the first time you had become acquainted with his name though. It was not when you had first arrived at Brooklyn Hospital. No, it was years before that. You had been a fourth year medical student at NYU Med at that time, meeting with one of your former undergraduate professors for coffee. Though the woman had only taught you in your freshman year, you had kept in touch with her throughout the years of your undergrad and medical school. She had always appreciated having her former students come back to visit her, though you knew that you weren’t the only one who had kept in touch with her over the years.

When you had mentioned that you were planning on becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon following your graduation from NYU Med, she had recalled to you that two of her former students had went on to become successful cardiothoracic surgeons in Brooklyn. All it took was a Google search for you to find out who they were, Dr. Steven Rogers and Dr James Barnes. In a matter of hours, you knew exactly why the two of them were the best heart surgeons in all of New York. You had read every article they had published on the medical journal and watched every video of their surgeries that had been recorded and published for teaching purposes. They really were the best at what they did and you knew that training under one of them was the only way to succeed in your own career.

You had become determined to land a fellowship at Brooklyn Hospital and had worked your butt off during residency to get there. You had made it where you wanted to be. But even then, things did not seem like they were going to get better for you, at least not until you had met Dr. Barnes. He made you want to be better. He made you better.

Over the years, you had gotten to know Bucky as much as you had gotten to know Steve. Aside from having to work closely together, he had been one of the few people whom you had gotten to know outside of work as well. Although that had not been your intention, you could not deny that he had gotten to know you a little more than you would have allowed him to.

Perhaps the turn of recent events had been you realize just how oblivious you had been to your own emotions. But you felt something for that man. You knew you did, even though a part of you knew that he may just be way out of your league and he may not feel the same way about you. You did not have the courage to act on these feelings but you knew that you felt something for him, you had been feeling something for him the moment he had walked into your make shift clinic at the homeless shelter that night.

It may have been his dark jeans and leather jacket that he had been wearing that night. They did make him look extremely attractive. It may have been the way he had come all the way to the shelter after not finding you at home and apologized for the way he had treated you in the OR. He sure had been persistent that night. He had respected you enough to give you a personal apology and no one had ever treated you with such courtesy. It may have been the way he had walked you back home or told you that you were capable of doing better than what life had to offer you. He was a true gentleman though. There was no denying that. But that snowy night in New York, when you had ditched the formalities and gathered the courage to address him by his first name, you had fallen for him. And unbeknownst to you, that same night when you had called him by his first name, your James had fallen for you too.

“Peggy, where’s Barnes?” You asked her as you turned over to look at her, biting down on your chapped bottom lip as you let the tears stream down your face. “He hasn’t come by to see me in the last couple of days. I haven’t seen him since... before my mother... came to see me.” The James Barnes you knew had not dared to leave your bedside since the moment you had first woken up from your surgery. But when you needed him the most, he was nowhere to be found. “I know he was mad at me for... not listening to him and going forward with this transplant. But is... is he...” You could not find the words to say that all you wanted at that moment was his presence, the glint of his bright blue eyes and his genuine smile that always calmed you down. You wanted his hands on top of yours or your head to rest on his shoulders like that day in the supply room almost two weeks ago. All you wanted was James, even if he did not want you. You wanted that clarity that he always brought to you.

“Well... I’m glad you asked about him because I didn’t know how to start that conversation.” The British woman let out a sigh of relief as she gave your hand a squeeze. “He’s... not mad at you, darling. I can tell you that for sure. He’ll never be mad at you. He respects you and your bodily autonomy above anything else. He’s... just been a bit busy with patients, you know... you know how it is. He’s also been... um...” If the woman could just spit out Bucky’s plan and did her meddling as she should, she knew that all would be well. But she was hesitant about sharing this with you, for a part of her was worried about your reaction while another part of her was not willing to break Bucky’s trust. She felt conflicted, even though she knew exactly what she had to do.

“I miss him...” You admitted, a small smile creeping upon your lips. “I miss... him sitting on that chair with a book in his hand and pretending to read it even though he knows I’m awake and watching him. He’ll keep reading until he gets to the end of the page before he turns over to look at me... I miss his smile, the way he always calls me ‘doll’ and... I miss him... scolding me for not wanting anymore pain meds... and grabbing my PCA remote and pushing the button himself because he can’t stand to see me in pain. I miss him watching me doze off. I miss him... placing a kiss on my forehead... when I fall asleep. I was pretty sure I was hallucinating when I first felt him do that but... he did it more that once so I know that actually happened... more than once. I miss... waking up to him... and... he was always there and I felt safe, like I could get through this with him at my bedside. But ever since he left me... things haven’t been getting better and... I don’t know. I miss him.”

Natasha and Peggy looked at each other with wide eyes before quickly looking back to you. “What?” They both said, in unison. They both knew what this meant. You must not have been as oblivious to Bucky’s feelings as they had thought you were. Not to mention that it seemed as though you had felt the same way about them. If they only knew for sure, they would know just how to meddle with things.

You leaned back your head against your pillow as you close your eyes, thinking about everything that had happened to you that had led up to this moment. “Margaret...” You whispered, as though her name had imprinted itself as a curse word in your mind. Saying the name of the woman who had somehow instilled some sort of fear in your heart had been terrifying itself to say the least. But you knew that you had to let her go. It was the only way you could finally allow yourself to open up to anyone. To Natasha and to James.

“What?” Peggy perked up at the sound of her name. You did know that it was her name. Perhaps, she may have been the reason why you believed that not all Margaret’s could be so cruel.

You opened your eyes to look at the woman and shook your head, letting out a sigh. “Margaret. She was my... roommate... at NYU. The first real friend I had... or so I thought. It was strange to me, you know... to find a friend in someone that the housing department had assigned to live with me. But I... I was young, just turned eighteen, finally out of the system, on my own and starting college... I was so excited to have a friend after being alone for... my whole life. I had a whole life ahead of me and... Here was... someone who... who actually gave a shit about me and I was grateful that... I had someone to call my friend, maybe even my found-family.” You could not help the tears that continued to stream down your face, the ping at your heart as you had just opened up the baggage you had been unnecessarily holding onto for years. “You know that feeling that you get when you... think that this person would be there for you throughout your whole life when no one else would? That was her. I thought she would be my best friend for life but... I was wrong about that.”

Natasha was still holding onto your hand as you continued to speak. The thought of you having had a best friend in the past did not surprise her to the slightest. After all, she firmly believed that anyone who met you would genuinely want to be your friend, as she had done so when she had first met you. But she could not help but wonder how this friendship had ended for you, since it had certainly left such a lasting impact on your social life, even after all of these years. Whatever happened between you and this Margaret, it must have caused you a lot of pain. Because if there was one thing that she had just realized, it was that this person was the reason why you had been so closed off; the reason why you had been hesitant to accept her friendship at first. There was one thing that she knew for sure though. Whatever may have happened with you and your former friend, it must not have been your fault. She knew you well enough to know that you would never intentionally even hurt a fly, let alone another human being.

“I mean, we were best friends. We... spent a lot of time together, did things that friends in college... did. She was the one who took me to my first college party, bought me my first drink when I turned twenty-one... she really got me to come out of my shell. And I was willing to do that for her. I was willing to put myself out there for her; I never did that for anyone. I went above and beyond for her... you know... I valued her friendship so much that I was willing to sacrifice... anything for her. No one wanted to be my friend through high school because everyone hated my parents. No one knew my parents in New York, no one cared who they were or what they did... or who I was, really. So, her wanting to be a close friend of mine... I was grateful. I gave up a campus job once in first year because she needed a job; I had two other jobs already so it was fine. I... uh... always did things when she asked me to... like... things that she did around campus. She... had joined a sorority and when she... did these events for them, I would buy myself a ticket and show up because I wanted to support her. Charity fundraisers... I was the first one to donate. I... couldn’t afford it but... being a good friend was more important to me and I would have expected her to do the same for me. I guess... we were close friends, but maybe it was just... me... maybe I was the only one who thought that when she didn’t...? I don’t know how things... even happened. I mean, after a while... she started hanging out with all of her sorority sisters a lot more... ditched me but... I didn’t think much of it at first. You know, I... I’m not an idiot. I did notice that she was spending a lot less time at home, but I really didn’t think much of it. I thought I was overreacting... and I let it slide.” You paused to take a breath. “I didn’t think she was... deliberately trying to distance herself from me. I mean... it was my fault.”

Peggy was listening intently as you spoke, for you had not even told her or Steve about this certain Margaret. But there must have been a reason why you had kept this from them. If you had kept it from them for as long as you had done, it made her wonder why you had chosen to share this with her and Natasha rather than her and Steve. Why now? The problem was your parents, right? So, why were you bringing up your former friend? She wanted to put the puzzle pieces together but she was unable to figure it out on her own.

“I... I always told her everything... everything about me and... What I’d been through, what was going on with me. I mean, she had to live with me... right, so... I know I had a lot of emotional baggage then, still do now but... back then, I was younger and a lot more... vulnerable. The wounds were still fresh. I just needed someone to lean on and she was always there... she didn’t mind it. She always told me that she didn’t... until one night. I remember being in my room, studying for a Biology exam. It was... December... and it was snowing really badly. I could see the snow falling from my bedroom window and... The next thing I knew, I felt like... I don’t know, I had an anxiety attack. I felt like the room was closing in on me and it just... I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking, I was cold... I remember putting a sweater on and just... hiding under my blanket. The heater was on. I tried to warm myself up but... I felt cold, my feet were numb. I panicked and I didn’t know what to do. My first instinct was to grab my phone and call her. She didn’t pick up and... I was... my hands were shaking so much when I texted her. I asked her where she was, she said that she was just leaving class and that she wasn’t coming home that night. I told her that I was... having a panic attack and that I needed help... that it felt like the night... that night in the snow storm... she knew what it meant. I had told her about what happened that night with my mother... so she knew why I was feeling... the way I did. But... just when I needed her the most... just when I thought that... she would... at least try to get me some help...” You felt a sob before wincing in pain and you could have sworn that you had felt a tug at your heartstrings. Margaret was not an easy subject to talk about but she was necessarily. She was the reason why you had given up on finding any sort of companionship in anyone, whether it was a genuine friendship or a romantic relationship.

Dr. Romanoff immediately sprung to her feet, moving over to gently pull you into a side-hug, careful not to mess with the wires and tubes that were still attached to you. Honestly, at this point she could care less about them though. If she did mess them up, she could just put them back in you herself. She knew that you needed a hug and she was going to give you a damn hug.

“The next thing she said to me... the last thing she ever said to me before she moved into her sorority house... she said and I quote, ‘Fuck off, I’m not a qualified therapist,’ and... I kid you not... it hurt like a bitch when she said that. I was shocked... I was... I didn’t know what to do, I... I knew that I’d just lost the one friend I had, I wasn’t sure if... she was the one real friend anymore but... I thought it was my fault. I blamed myself. I had ruined something for myself, I felt like I could never do anything right. Things were finally starting to get better and I had... just fucked it up with her. I just cried myself to sleep that night.” You admitted as you let out another sob, leaning your head gently against the red-headed surgeon’s shoulder as you sobbed.

“Holy shit, what a bitch!” Peggy exclaimed as she stood up to hug you from the other sweetheart. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry... you had to deal with her. You know, none of that is true. You’re...” Even she was at a loss for words as she turned over to look at Natasha and gave her a nod. If was not the right time for you to know just how unconditionally loved really were, she did not know when it would be. You needed to know what Bucky was about to do and she was going to tell you either way.

“I thought she was my friend but... she had hurt me. I never saw her again but... after what happened with her, I just... couldn’t get myself to become friends with anyone. I couldn’t let myself trust someone and... Give my all in a friendship and get nothing in return. To have my feelings be hurt like that... Nat, I didn’t mean to push you away for all these years. I was just terrified... terrified to get close to anyone because... you become close to someone, you tell them everything, do everything for them... one day, they’ll be your best friend and the next day, they’ll tell you to get a therapist.”

“Oh Y/N...” Natasha Romanoff did not utter a she word as she held onto you, her arms wrapped tightly over your shoulder as she gently held you against her body. Her hand stroked through your hair as you continued to sob, and you had felt the weight that you had been holding onto for years start to fade away. “I’m so sorry you had such a terrible friend. I can understand why you would have had such a hard time trusting anyone after what she did, after what your own mother did. People suck, Y/N... I know that for sure. But not all of us can be so terrible. We’re not like that; we won’t ever... judge you or throw you away like that. We are actually in it for life.”

“I’ve been... I’ve been holding myself back from trusting people, from having relationships. I kept believing that I wasn’t worthy of being loved because... I thought no one could love me.”

“Oh honey, you know that’s not true...”

Peggy looked over at Natasha and bit her lip. “No, it’s not... Y/N, I can’t speak for all Margaret’s but I’m sure that not all of us are such devils. I mean, at least I’m not like that and you know that. I would be honored to be your replacement Margaret if you would let me. I... I hope you would let me.”

You gave her a weak smile through the tears. “Yeah, well... you’re a much better Margaret than her, Peggy. But... um... I’m still scared... I.. I want to tell him everything, everything since the very beginning... the night I left Buck’s County, the day I got to New York, Margaret... my parents... the loss of a sense of belonging... a sense of being loved... that I lost years ago... the sense of belonging that I lost when I left home... that I didn’t get back until that night... when I was crying in an on call room and he made me realize... that I did belong in this hospital. He made me better... he makes me better, and I need him right now. I want to be better. I want him. Buck’s County is not my home... it never was, that’s where I left. But Bucky Barnes... James... he wouldn’t tell me to fuck off and get a therapist if I opened up to him and... told him how I really feel about... everything, would he?”

Natasha was in tears when she realized what all of this meant. Things were finally starting to be better for both of her friends and all she could do was hope that they ended well. She pulled back from the hug before wiping away her tears, her hands on his hips as she looked down at you and shook her head. “Fuck, no... of course, not!” She told you as she let out a chuckled. “If he dares to do such a thing, I’ll pull him by his hair and drag his ass through hell myself.”

Peggy Carter let out a sigh of relief as she wiped away her tears, hugging you for a moment longer before she pulled back. “As a matter of fact, he... he’s been thinking about making things better for you long before any one of us did. He... uh... he’s decided to take care of your dad’s medical bills himself. Of course, he didn’t want you to find out what he was going to do because you would have said no. But um... he said he’ll take care of it. He’ll make sure that your parents are well taken care of... financially speaking.”

You reached your hand up to wipe away your tears, a small chuckle escaping your lips. “James was always quite philanthropic. But it makes sense because... he... my clinic received a cheque from an anonymous donor a few years ago. I knew it was him because he... he has a big heart, even though he says he doesn’t. He’s always had a big heart.”

“You knew...? You knew it was him?”

You nodded. “I’ve known all along, Nat. I’ve known everything. I was just dumb enough to believe that I didn’t deserve any of it. But I’ll be doing much better once I see him. I need to see him.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #doctor!bucky #marvel x reader #marvel au #tw abuse #tw alchoholism #tw surgery #tw needles #tw pain #tw anxiety #aj writes #better

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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an internet/social media survey. 1 - Are you one of those people who shares absolutely everything on social media? What do you think about those who do? I do tend to overshare in surveys and I share quite a bit on Twitter. I’m pretty quiet on my other social media sites, though, in terms of that. It only bugs me when people share something and then someone asks about it and they’re like, “I don’t want to share it on here” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” You just did, though? Why post about it then? Plus, my nosy ass wants to know haha. I see that all the time on Facebook.

2 - Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? I don’t think so. Back in the Myspace days people knew cause I posted them there, but no one in “real life” follows me on here. I’m surprised I shared those back then cause I don’t want anyone to see them now. Although, I wasn’t as open back then in surveys. I took the more basic ones and didn’t elaborate like I do now.

3 - When you receive a text message, do you reply straight away or wait a little while instead? It depends.

4 - Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I don’t recall. It was probably some spam account on here.

5 - Aside from Tumblr, what websites do you spend the most time on? I spend a lot of time on YouTube.

6 - What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Ooh. I’ve had an online and social media presence for so long... like it was probably something that doesn’t even exist now. I remember some teen sites I was on that I guess were like the social medias of the day. For example, there was this one website I remember called Kiwibox, where you could interact with other people, post stuff, and it shared like trending topics and whatnot that I was a member of in the early 2000s. It was pre-Myspace. I don’t think it even exists now, but if it did I’m sure my account was deleted long ago for being inactive.

7 - How many social media accounts do you have now? Do you use them all regularly? If not, which ones do you think you update the most and why? I’m on all the common ones. I use them all, but I’m more active on some than others. Some I check regularly but rarely post. For instance, I’m super active on here and I post on Twitter quite a bit. I check Facebook a few times a day and “like” some stuff, but I very rarely post. I check Instagram and Snapchat, but not daily and I rarely post or even interact on there. I spend the least amount of time on those two.

8 - Are there are any popular apps/social media sites that you've never got into or signed up for? How come? Hmm. Like I said, I have all the main ones I think.

9 - Do you take surveys on any other website apart from Tumblr? Nope.

10 - Before Tumblr existed, what kind of blogging site did you use (eg. LiveJournal, Xanga etc.). I had a Xanga and LJ account.

11 - Is there anything you miss about websites like MySpace, or do you prefer social media the way it is now? The Myspace days were interesting that’s for sure. I miss the hype of changing up my page and adding stuff, picking my profile song, rearranging my top 8, changing my display name, follow forever trains, comment 4 comments... haha what a ride.

12 - How old were you when you first got the internet at home? Was it broadband/wireless or did you use dial-up? I remember it wasn’t long after my brother was born, so it was sometime in 1999. I remember when my mom brought home our first computer. Those were the days of dial up/AOL. Gah, I do not miss that.

13 - Are you old enough to remember life without any kind of internet access whatsoever? What kind of things did you do to fill the time? Ha, yeah. It’s crazy to think of the days before the internet, but I did have them. I actually used to play outside *gasp* That’s shocking cause ya’ll know I’m a hermit crab. I used to get so tan back then cause I spent so much time outside. Other things I used to do was play Barbies for hours, play with my cousins, read, color, and watch TV.

14 - Have you ever gotten into an argument with a stranger online before? Lol yeah.

15 - Overall, would you say social media is a good thing or a bad thing, or does it depend on how you choose to use it? It definitely has its pros and cons. There’s a dark side to social media and the internet in general, but a lot of good can be done with it as well.

16 - How much time do you think you spend online each day? Is this something that varies depending on the weather? I spend a decent amount of time online for sure, but it does vary. The weather has absolutely nothing to do with it.

17 - If your internet went off right now and you knew it wouldn't come back on for several hours, what would you go and do instead? Well, it’s 3:50AM so I’d watch some TV and attempt to go to bed.

18 - Since getting the internet, what's the longest period of time you've gone without access to it? Did you miss it as much as you thought you might? Probably the times I had surgery. I didn’t have to go completely without because once I was able to I was able to rent laptops that were available for patient use or access a computer while there. That was really nice during the couple times I had to spend a few months in the hospital. Even the shorter stays, like a week or two, I had some access at some point. But yeah, I definitely wasn’t on nearly as much during those times. Not at all the first few days/week. Then when I was back home and had my laptop I still wouldn’t feel up to spending much online. I did miss it, but I spent so much time resting and sleeping during the early stages of recovery so it was fine for awhile. I did start to get stir crazy, though.

19 - What's something you find yourself doing less of because you spend too much time online? Hm. I can’t think of anything I do less for that particular reason.

20 - What websites do you spend the most time on? Do these fall into any particular category or are they just random? Tumblr, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter.

21 - What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I miss Xanga a lot. The survey community was poppin back then. I miss the days, not so much the websites themselves, of Myspace, Neopets, playing games on Disney Channel’s and Nickelodeon’s websites, making dolls, and the AOL teen message boards. Good times, good times. Much nostalgia.

22 - Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Nope. I had online friends back in the day that I talked to all the time and actually texted with. I even talked to them on the phone a couple times. :O That was during my Jonas Brothers days and I got close to a few people that I met through a Jonas Brothers’ message board and chatroom. I was pretty involved on there. I can’t believe I used to do that cause I wouldn’t do that now.

23 - What's your thoughts on internet dating and is it something you would ever consider for yourself? I probably wouldn’t do it myself, but hey if that works for people then go for it. *shrug*

24 - Do you tend to shop more online or in person? Is that something that's changed since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic? I do all my shopping online now since the pandemic hit, but even for a few years prior I was doing most of my shopping online.

25 - Speaking of the pandemic, did you find all the stories on social media quite scary or overwhelming at the beginning? Absolutely.

26 - If someone on social media annoys or upsets you, are you likely to tell them or just hit the hide/block buttons? Nah, I’ll just keep on scrolling. If it’s that bad then I’d likely mute or just delete.

27 - Are there topics you won't post on social media about, simply because they always end up in an argument? I don’t post about politics.

28 - Are you friends with your parents and family members online? Do you limit what you say because you know they can see it? Yes and yes. Like, even though I don’t post anything bad or risqué lol I still hide some stuff from my grandparents just because they wouldn’t get it, ya know? I’ve done that before and my Nana called my dad and asked if I was okay cause I posted some relatable self-deprecating meme or something haha. It’s sweet of course that she cares, but yeah I didn’t want her to get worried and concerned over stuff like that.

29 - Are you using the internet for anything else except this survey right now? I’m watching ASMR videos on YouTube as well.

30 - Do you access the internet more via a phone, tablet or laptop/PC? Which device do you prefer overall? I use my phone a lot for certain things and my laptop for others. Like, I much prefer the Facebook and Twitter apps, and I access Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, the Kindle app, and my email on my phone as well. I use both for YouTube. I only like to access Tumblr on my laptop, though, as well as Pinterest.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #internet #social media

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thegastricadventure · 3 years

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My Binder’s Origins

When I was getting ready for my first steps down the road of this surgery I had to go to a meeting. They went over the the different types of surgeries, the pros the cons and the amount of weight you might lose. It was a great source of information and right before they did it they gave everyone in the meeting a 1″ white binder that could be used to house all the information in.

It was a great starting point but I knew I would need more than 1″ worth of space. I went out and bought myself a 2″ binder and even that is too small. I am thinking I may have to upgrade again.

While you go through each meeting and class you are going to be given more and more information. As I have stated previously I would suggest you keep all of that stuff together. You have no idea what you may need again and again. Thus my binder in all it’s glory was born.

As you can see I kind of blurred out all the information about my doctor and the program. If you are serious about this procedure you need to contact your General Practitioner first and go over what your best options are. They will get you in contact with the right people to take the next steps. Plus, your GP and you should always be on the same page. They are the ones who do your yearly physical and are vested in your everyday health.

Now, my binder on the front and the back hold information, as well as something I got from one of my group meetings. I picked it at random, I closed my eyes and grabbed it out of a box of little supportive messages.

Remember The Now

To me this meant that the person you are now was strong enough to start this journey. When you think you are losing yourself to the depression or angry because you hit a wall you need to remember the person you where when you started the journey.

Did they know you would get this far? How excited would the past you been at this moment knowing you’ve gone this far. You have already done so much, those classes, group meetings, support pages on Facebook, message boards have all added to this, step by step. This isn’t an overnight thing it takes time and is a lifetime commitment.

So remember the now, remember where you started, remember that feeling when you saw the potential to where you may go and who you hoped you’d become!

As we get into the meat of the journal I have a little pouch for all my pens to live in. You may not need this but I like color I like putting certain information I get in certain colors. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, I am anal retentive about this stuff. It’s how I am wired, I was like this in school too (primary, secondary and college).

So I not only have pens, but a highlighter and a pencil with extra led. It doesn’t hurt to be over prepared. Plus this way you know you always have a writing tool around.

Next, I have a list of all of my known allergies and how I react to them, medications (both prescriptions and over the counter) with their dosages and times you take them, vitamins with the times you take them and how much, medical issues and if you have it when they were diagnosed, short record and when you last got those vaccine boosters, past surgeries with month and year and finally broken bones also with month and year if you are able (I had two broken collarbones and an elbow before I was 7 I don’t really remember what month they happened in).

Spiral notebooks. I have two in my binder. One was for notes from the nutrition group and my actual group support meetings. The second was for notes that I took as I did my research and the lists I made because they were what I found out on my own. You can certainly use loose leaf paper for all of this too, but I find it is easier to keep things together in notebooks.

As you get farther along and get to meet with your surgeon for the first time they may give you a Patient Guide. This holds information on what to expect from the surgery, your mile stones, how to keep track of your food, portion control and exercises. Mine also has a lot of highlighted spots of things I thought was important. They want you to read through this book at least once before your surgery. I read through it 2-3 times so if I had questions I could ask.

Next I have folders. Yep plain old folders. I have one for my food information, such as sample meal plans to what to avoid. The next one was information from the support groups and from the initial meetings. There is a lot that gets handed out, it is good to keep on top of everything. The last folder is doctor and hospital information. You have discharge paperwork, proof of shots gotten (like the flu and other immunizations) you can even put your prescription information in that one.

Behind my food folder is extra things, such as recipes in plastic sleeves that I have created over the past couple of months to help with my portion control and protein intake. There is also food logs, these I suggest you start right away. It gets you into the habit and also allows your doctor and dieticians to know when and what you are eating so they can help you modify it as needed.

Behind my group meeting and classes folder I have the copies of the PowerPoints they gave me. It allows me to have quick access and I am able to reference everything as needed.

Finally in yje two inner pockets that are built into the binder. There I put the papers that have the questions I want to ask, also food labels of stuff I want to make sure I am able to eat.

Above is an example of that. I brought in this empty bag when I had my preop appointment with my surgeon. This is pasta that is gluten free and have 4 g of protein in it. My doctor told me they want to to stay away from carbs but if I am going to eat a little bit of them, this is a good one to have. It adds to my protein, calcium and iron counts.

I also have in the back pocket information from Bariatric Advantage which has the endorsement of my doctor and dietician. They sell vitamins geared towards gastric surgery people and other protein packed supplements. I also keep my hospital release records papers in this pocket too, because you never know when or who you need to get information from or to. Never hurts to have it all together and filled out so all you have to do is sign and date it when you take it into the various offices.

So yeah this is where I got my binder and everything within it a bit more in-depth than the group of pictures I posted earlier.

#resources

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dealeagle6-blog · 3 years

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justimajin · 5 years

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Catching a Case of the Doctor Blues ⌠Part 11⌡

⇢ Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

⇢ Genre: Fluff, Comedy, Angst

↳ (4.2k) Doctor/Surgeon AU, Enemies to Lovers AU

⇢ Summary: When asked about Dr. Kim, a string of beautifully aligned words are ready spew from your lips. You could possibly go on and on about how his wonderful stubbornness wasn’t similar to talking to a brick wall, or how his observation skills were especially great in preparing your blood vessels for a drastic rupture or even how one gracious stare of his nearly had you on the verge of ripping your essential documents in half. But it seems that, perhaps, there was a lot more to Dr. Kim then what meets the eye…

⇢ Warnings: Y/N going slightly crazy trying to figure out Dr. Kim

⇢ A/N: Surprise! I was able to get the chapter done early this time (for once). Let me know what you guys think so far, the next update will be tuesday as originally planned.

⇢ Moodboard Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10

“I think I ate too much food.” Jin sighs, clutching onto his stomach.

“I don’t think I’ve ever payed so much for a meal.” Namjoon whispers, digging through his wallet when the large stack of papers have considerably disappeared.

“I didn’t eat too much and I didn’t pay, so I guess I win.” Yoongi shrugs, watching over the two concerned individuals and then taking out his phone to call a cab for the night.

“My place is close by so I’ll be heading out now.” You say, pointing behind you when everyone nods, expect for a certain individual.

“I live in that direction too.” Dr. Kim states and you freeze, hoping he wasn’t implying what you were thinking.

“I can drop you off.” You inwardly sigh, especially when your friends seem to be in complete favor of the idea.

“It’s dark Y/N, go with him.” Yoongi says and you glare at him; surely your college friend could have attempted to save you somehow.

“Alright.” Turning to the side, you see Namjoon and Jin already climbing into the cab. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow at work.” They wave back when Dr. Kim starts to walk and you follow along with him.

There’s a dense silence in the distance when you enter the parking lot and pass through the underground tunnel leading to his car. The lot is clear of anyone else despite a couple of cars, only the base of your combined shoes echoing through the expanse.

Dr. Kim stops in front of a black car, cleaned to utter perfection and sparkling underneath the lights of the lot. After unlocking it, he opens the door to the passenger seat and gestures for you to enter. Hesitantly, you slide into the car.

The whole experience thus far doesn’t seem as bad as you had imagined, but then Dr. Kim gets into the seat opposite to you and you beginning to wonder why on earth car manufactures were so fixated on creating car seats in such close proximity to each other.

The engine roars when he jams in the key and even you need to admit that you’re impressed by the way he begins to reverse the car. He leans over to your side a little too much in your own displeasure but you brush it off when you acknowledge that he needed to have a clear view behind himself.

“How long have you been driving for?” You question once he steers the car onto the road, driving in a perfect turn.

“Two months.” His tone is blank, a simple statement in which you initially nod, but then the root of the information sparks.

“Two months?” You whisper, wondering how he was even able to pull off driving so well when he didn’t even have the experience to back it up.

A small smile tugs on his lips, “Surprised?” He says it in a playful tone, but your eyes are stuck to the way his mouth stretches.

“You should do that more often.” You utter quietly, but his keen ears pick up onto it.

“Do what more often?”

“Smile.” You hastily turn your head away, not wanting to meet eye contact.

“You want to see me smile more often Dr. L/N?” He repeats your words, as if trying to understand the meaning behind them. But the way he keeps that continuous playful tone in them makes you want to diminish any reason for trying to keep a conversation with him.

“Forget it.”

However he lets out a deep sigh, hands maneuvering over the steering wheel with ease when his eyes remain concentrated on the road before him. “How…how scary do I come off as?”

You widen your eyes, abruptly blinking them a couple of times before you try to comprehend if you had heard what he said correctly. “Scary…?” You wonder why its that specific word that he’s chosen to use.

He hums, “Jungkook said I used to scare him.”

“Jungkook?” The conversation you had with him prior to talking to Dr. Kim pops up inside your head, “Oh. I guess... you give off an intimidating vibe?”

It seems absurd that you’re trying to help Dr. Kim with a personal issue, if you could even call this one, but the way that he brings it up to you about makes you think that perhaps the man does genuinely want to know.

“I see…” He almost looks defeated, like he had already lost before starting a battle.

“If it worries you so much…” There’s a little voice in the back of your head jabbing at you in fury for even trying to help, “Just try smiling more. It makes a huge difference.”

This time your eyes are concentrated on your hands, staring at them like they’re were the most fascinating creation to have ever been made, but your eyes don’t miss the soft smile Dr. Kim sends you at the suggestion.

Maybe Jimin was right….maybe he had been abducted by aliens and replaced….

The car turns over to a familiar corner before Dr. Kim brings the vehicle to a gentle stop and your eyes flicker over to the apartment complex.

“Thanks for dropping me off.” You pick up your bag and tucked away medical coat, turning around to close the door. But a certain shiny metal object is placed within your field of vision when it’s pushed towards you.

“You dropped it at the restaurant.” He simply states and your hand pats over to the pocket in your coat, void of anything inside.

With a sigh, you reach out, “Thank you.”

Slipping the phone into your coat pocket, you shut the door and it clicks, but a voice ushers you from leaving.

“Dr. L/N.”

The window is pulled down and you hug your coat tighter onto your form when the nightly breeze passes by, but you still lean closer to hear him. “Yes Dr. Kim?”

He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, eyes wavering when the curiosity peeks through, “Do you…do you really hate me that much Dr. L/N?”

It’s incredible to see that if you were asked the same question a couple of months ago, how fast your response with had been through the speed of lightening. But Dr. Kim keeps his eyes trained on you and for a moment you actually falter, especially when his eyes pleadingly bore so much in them, as if they were expectantly wanting to change that finite answer that question would usually result in.

His eyes are still incredibly focused on you when you’re fumbling for some answer that you could possibly generate. However, it eventually does come out and its something particular that surprises you both.

“I-I’m not so sure anymore.”

You had eventually discovered after getting home that night spent surrounded by your co-workers that although your phone was in the same condition you had dropped it, strangely enough the message app had been opened. Thankfully a handful of certain saved messages from the past hadn’t been touched, but you can’t seem to recall if you had even touched the app at all throughout the day.

But that strange occurrence gets masked over with a new one, one that kept your thoughts lit at night and one that would continuously buzz around you even when the slightest bit of unconsciousness dipped in.

Dr. Kim’s words were fairly simple, but the underlying large load to them was not expected whatsoever from you. You had assumed that the air you shared together was always apparent; a rough, inflaring and absolutely irritating air that was hard to even stand in the presence in, but a stream of events are making you actually seriously consider his question. Especially when the answer was taking some time to come out of you.

You turn in reverse, going back to track any instance of his behaviour. The difference started becoming obvious when he had invited himself over to take care of you – an action that still makes you ponder as to why that was even a priority of his but then merely shrugging when you caught the culprit that influenced his decision. He had then proceeded to be kind to Jungkook, which escalated in Jungkook viewing the man in a better light, but you don’t see a very solid purpose in doing so. Jungkook was just an intern, so appealing to him would undeniably not give Dr. Kim an advantage in any way. The same abrupt kindness can be applied to Hoseok as well, with you having so much frustration as to why Dr. Kim, a man with no regard for patients, was actually trying to be considerate with no outcome for himself.

Your mind then ponders over to the surgery; being entirely startled when he had decided to assist you so graciously but even more so when he decided to compliment you. It was a striking cord and for a moment, you must admit to yourself, you found the words sinking in beautifully compared anything else he’s retorted to you. You then recall his expression with the children, playing with them with a huge grin, and then just yesterday, where he had offered to drop you off.

The entire memory of events is making you spin and it worsens when you have no rope to pull you back up, no form of reasoning for any of his actions.

You feel like you’re going to explode, your head throbbing so much when you do not have a definite answer despite the assessment.

“Woahh, Y/N are you alright?” Jimin hurriedly asks when he catches you gripping onto the base of your door in the midst of stumbling.

You blink when Jimin’s eyes are flickering all over you, but you remain silent until you decide that you were going to get nowhere with this unless you get some much needed help.

“Hypothetically.” The idea flashes in your mind like a lightbulb setting off and Jimin narrows his eyes, still clueless about what was going on.

“Huh?”

“Hypothetically.” You continue, standing up straight thanks to his help, “If there was a person that you weren’t fond of, but in the recent time they’ve become kinder, to you and to others, is there still a reason to dislike said person?”

Jimin stares at you for a second, trying to link together what you were even going on about, but it instantly clicks for him and he wants to laugh at how ridiculous you were starting to sound. “Hypothetically?” He questions, a small smirk on his lips.

You nod, “Hypothetically.”

“Well…” A low sigh escapes him, knowing that if you were talking to him about it then it probably had been bothering you for a while. He wants to deter you into the right direction if that’s really the case, “I don’t think there should be one? If I didn’t like a person but their attitude changed, maybe that suggests the person is trying to change themselves?”

Your thoughts come to a pause, not even attempting to land on that type of conclusion. “Trying to change themselves…?”

Jimin shrugs, “Maybe they realized the error of their ways.” He flutters his hands around you like he was casting a magic spell but you pout at the notion, making him want to laugh again. As much as he thinks you’re an excellent doctor and a wonderful friend, you could truthfully have some major shortcomings when it came to interpreting a person’s motives apart from their genuine interest in you.

“But what if this person is calculative? What if they usually try to get benefits out of a situation for only themselves?”

Jimin’s eyes widen when he sees your eyes darting around in fear, “Y/N, just try to think about it. If I was acting a certain way, wouldn’t I need to change something about myself if I realized I was doing something wrong?”

His words penetrate into your skull all too fast and you finally grasp onto something grounded from all your racing thoughts.

Perhaps you were too accustomed to associating Dr. Kim with his cruel characteristics, that even considering him wanting to change was completely out of the bag.

“T-Thanks Jimin…” You whisper and a soft smile crosses over him, right before he’s tugging you in around his arm and his voice pitches through a dramatic tone.

“Of course asking for my help was exactly what you needed.”

“Dr. L/N I-“ Jin halts in his steps with documents in hand when he sees Jimin bashfully declaring himself in a loud tone, walking over with narrowed eyes.

He threads closer to Jimin, tilting his head in bewilderment, “I still can’t believe they hired you first…”

Jimin scoffs, “What do you mean you can’t believe it?”

Jin shakes his head, mumbling underneath his breath, “They could have hired Dr. L/N, Dr. Kim or Dr. Min…” His eyes finally land on you, before an “Ah!” escapes his mouth.

“I need to borrow Dr. L/N for a while.” Your eyes finally come back to life at the sound at that, hurriedly going through the protocols when he hands you the papers he was examining.

After running through questions Jin had fired at you, a loud yawn slips through the corners of your mouth. It wasn’t as his inquires were bothering you as much, so but more having to deal with your mind straying over to the conversation you had with Jimin, who despite his daily mischiefs, actually gave you some valuable advice.

The outcome of Dr. Kim attempting to change because of the effects from his actions is plausible, and as strange as it sounds, you find yourself settling down on the answer when your eyes slowly trail onto the man interacting with a young intern.

Jungkook appears to be in his own world with the doctor, eyes crinkling and teeth on full display when the said doctor pats him on the head, a gentle smile comfortably arising from him. The doctor leans over to be closer to Jungkook’s ear and once the words are spoken, Jungkook breaks out into a complete fit of laughter as it bubbles out of him.

The scene on its own, is touching to watch. Something that has your own lips tugging and something that has you forgetting about the storm twisting inside your thoughts. It’s then you see a familiar women walking up to the doctor, who quickly turns his attention over to her.

“Is he doing alright?” She questions and her raspy voice suddenly has you tracing your steps back to when the pure interaction between the two individuals had so much rage pooling out of you.

Dr. Kim nods, “I’ve done the transplant and he is currently recovering, but he should soon be discharged.”

The news enlightens the disheveled appearance the woman adorns and casts a ginormous smile onto her. However, the smile drops a split second after.

“T-the cost…” She whispers, swiftly understanding that the act had a monetary value placed upon it.

But the next gesture is what surprises you the most about the whole ordeal; jaw wide open and eyes locked onto the hand Dr. Kim puts forward.

“You don’t need to worry about that.”

A cord strikes right inside you.

He didn’t….possibly pa-

The woman bursts into tears, her cheeks drenched with the substance when Dr. Kim reaches over to pat her in a somewhat comforting way but her mumbles of small “thank you’s” overtakes everything else.

You still stand in place, mind long lost with any other thoughts when you solely can’t believe the image taking place right in front of you.

Dr. Kim. The man that had directly informed the woman that her husband needed a transplant and she needed to provide the necessary organ without taking into regards any financial problems. The man that coldly turned his back on her and left her to suffer with her own pity of not being able to generate any remains of the green stacks of paper. The man whose display aggravated the likes of you by granting you a bitter position of watching the interaction take place.

The same man that was telling the woman not to worry about covering for the payment and is now ensuring that she was alright before he leaves.

Jimin was…actually right.

“It’s different, isn’t it?” The blonde doctor scrolls up behind you when he finds you shell-shocked from afar, “Almost refreshing in a way.”

“It is.” You tilt your head, still observing them when an entertained smile crosses Yoongi.

After a moment of silence, you turn to see Yoongi still staring at you. “What?”

He merely shrugs, “You’ve been watching him for an awful long amount of time.”

“I-I…” You shake your head, trying to ignore the flush that appears on your cheeks, “I was just curious.”

Yoongi sighs, “I’ve seen you get concerned about others, but you won’t realize until later that this isn’t like one of those situations where you’re just curious.” He pauses, closing his eyes briefly, “Take it from someone that knows.”

You narrow your eyes at Yoongi and can’t formulate what he was talking about. He sighs once again and shakes his head.

“Never mind. You’ll understand soon enough.” He’s about to turn but he pauses for a split second, “At least try to get along with him. I still think you two can be good friends.”

Yoongi walks away and you’re left plunging face forward into the confusion you were experiencing prior to seeing Dr. Kim. From the way Jimin’s advice had fully breached through the concrete walls of your mind and the way Yoongi was implying at something you weren’t being able to decipher, you settle on one thing you were actually sure of from now.

Dr. Kim has changed for the better.

And maybe, just maybe, you could possibly be friends one day like how Yoongi suggested.

With a content sigh, you stretch out your sore limbs as you gaze at the large stack of paper in front of you that only needed to be filed. Lifting your eyes to swift over to the table in the corner of the room, the man is also repeating the same action when a smaller but still big load of papers are completed on his desk.

You smile and he turns around, “We’re done for the day Y/N!” He exclaims, relief flooding through every single cell of his.

“I’ll lock up the office, start packing to leave.” You point at him to give you the papers so you can go submit them.

As you’re flipping through them, your finger stops mid-way, gaze dropping down.

“Jin?” He hums, looking at you with a beaming smile, “Can I ask you something?”

It’s strange to even consider. Usually you brought personal concerns to either Yoongi and Jimin since they know you inside out and essentially seen every single part of you. This particular relationship strays away from the one you have specifically with Jin, who although is a compassionate and considerate man in your eyes, is your pupil who is here to learn from you, his teacher. Majority of the time this meant that he was the one who would regularly ask you questions and you were the one providing accurate explanations. You know briefly about his life outside the office, how he likes to cook in his spare time, how he comes from a wealthy family but wants to make a name of his own and how he can act extremely young despite being the oldest of your entire team.

So it’s strange that you’re being up such a matter to him out of all people, but it’s almost like you’re attempting to grasp as many opinions you could possibly get because you’ve been stuck on always viewing Dr. Kim a certain way.

“Of course Dr. L/N.” A frown appears when he utters your professional name so easily.

You ignore its usage, “What is your opinion on Dr. Kim?”

“Dr. Kim?” Jin blinks, not quite expecting you to ask. “Um…” He circulates back in his mind, “Different?”

“He’s…different?” Now that was an answer you weren’t keen on resurfacing.

Jin nods, “He isn’t like Namjoon who ensures that everyone on his team is doing well. He isn’t like Dr. Min, who openly shows care for his patients but doesn’t say it with words. He is definitely not like Dr. Park, who still got hired first considering his…delightful personality.” He pouts at that and you chuckle in agreement.

“He’s almost closed off, like he doesn’t want to associate with anyone. Sometimes I think its because he doesn’t know how to.”

“Doesn’t know how to?”

“Aside from Namjoon, he doesn’t really talk to anyone, but I did see him talking to JK the other day and it seemed like he was trying to make the effort.”

You hum, considering what he was saying, “Like he’s trying to change.” You retaliate and Jin shakes his head at the thought.

“Exactly! But why are you wondering about this Y/N?” His question catches you off guard, leaving you to stuttering.

“I-I’m just curious that’s all.” Jin thankfully takes your answer in a better way than Yoongi did, nodding his head when you sigh in relief.

After the conversation, you walk out the door and you begin to fumble with your keys to locate the right one. Your mind still spins away from the opinions you’ve had with Jungkook, Jimin, Yoongi and now Jin; all of which were suggesting that indeed something has changed within Dr. Kim.

But now that you’ve collected all this information…what do you do?

Suddenly a loud siren blares outside and you turn to Jin with widen eyes when the windows of the hospital have a red glow casted all over them.

Spinning the lock right away, you spin on your heels and Jin hurriedly trails after you when your heart begins to race. The sirens only grow louder when you get closer to the entrance of the hospital and your eyes catch onto the white vehicle stationed outside, paramedics flooding out.

“An emergency?” Jin questions and you let out a low exhale before nodding. You were pleasantly surprised that you had finished your work on time and could leave for the day, but being a doctor meant that it was your duty to help when in need for medical attention, no matter the time.

“Jin.” You turn around and his eyes fall onto you, “They’re going to need my help. Can you go file these and then head home?” You pass the large stack you were holding in your hands over to his, in which he eagerly accepts.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Dr. L/N, good luck.” He gestures over to the beaming red lights and you smile as he races to get the task done.

The smile dissolves when you walk towards the vehicle, eyes intensely trained on the individual being carried out and trailing all over the repressed amounts of scarlet leaking from multiple places. You rush to assist the paramedics and they inform you that a surgical procedure needed to be done from the collision the patient was unfortunately involved with. You nod, accompanying them once you enter the hospital in haste.

By taking one glance at the patient, you know that the surgery was going to be quick and efficient. Pieces of metal lodged in skin needed to be removed, the amount of blood loss had to be monitored and stitches were definitely going to have to take place.

But you acknowledge that the process will go faster if you had some support on your side, a factor that wasn’t going to be easy to satisfy considering it was late in the evening and majority of the staff had gone home.

A patch of familiar brown hair is seen locking up his doors, a young female intern standing next to him as she holds a load of paperwork. The doctor turns when the lock has been placed, but his gaze immediately shifts over to you dashing down the halls with paramedics.

“Can you handle this?” He questions his intern and she nods when he bolts towards the emergency room.

You on the other hand, dismiss that Dr. Kim had even entered the room when you were examining the patient. Brutal gashes adorn the delicate skin of the woman, flinching once you see the chunks of metal stuck within cracks of her skin and brows scrunching up one you make a note of how twisted back her right arm is.

“Circumstance?” Dr. Kim quickly questions, eyes focused on the patient when he applies a pair of blue gloves just like you had and carefully goes through to identify sites of injury.

“25 years old. Involved in a crash on the highway with a drunk driver. The police have arrested the driver but she’s received multiple injuries as a result.” With a gesture of your finger, you guide him towards the report you have so far made about the situation.

He hums, racing his eyes through it and then returning to your side to continue inspecting.

But he falters for a moment, removing his hands, “Dr. L/N.” You turn your head at his tone, sounding puzzled.

“Yes?”

“Can you…” His eyes are flickering all over the patient and you don’t understand why he’s specifically delaying the question when you were currently in an emergency state. “Can you examine the patient’s lower region?”

You blink your eyes, wondering why the procedure was even necessary. But you oblige, wanting to double check every single thing you were doing.

After a few moments, your eyes are frantically enlarged and your jaw had dropped open, turning to Dr. Kim that shares the same nervous glance you are sending him.

His voice cuts through the silence, declaring the result that you were being directly shown.

“It appears as if we will need to induce labour.”

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doctormike · 4 years

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Thoughts on the Reopening of Schools

Hello, friends and families…! In this blog post I will NOT tell you if it is OK for your child to return to school for remote, in-person, or hybrid learning. Any article that gives you specific advice about this may be well intentioned, but will rarely apply to your individual situation, and will be based on information that is going to be out of date by the time you read it.

I AM, however, going to review some important points to keep in mind when you juggle the pros and cons of any individual decision that you make for your family, and I think that will be helpful. Just like deciding about surgery, it will ALWAYS come down to weighing the risks and benefits of any given path. When I’m helping parents decide about an operation, I often hear “we just want what’s best for our child”. But it’s very rare that a situation is clear enough so that there is only one reasonable choice. The decision almost always comes down to balancing personal risk tolerance and a wide range of intangibles. That’s why it’s not usually my job to tell my families WHAT to do, but to help them understand the tradeoffs so that they can make those decisions themselves. With that said, here are some things to keep in mind when you are making a decision about school in the era of COVID-19. 1) I probably don’t have to tell you this, but any official recommendation, government regulation or organizational decision about school reopening is NOT only considering the medical aspects of the situation. Economic, political, parenting, regional and developmental concerns are always going to be a big part of what you are told, and that’s reasonable. From a purely medical point of view, the “safest” thing to do would for everyone to stay in full lockdown until a vaccine arrives, but virtually no one is seriously recommending that. So don’t discount those factors, but be aware of their impact and relative importance. 2) Most people making these decisions are working in good faith, and trying to get the best possible outcome. It’s easy to vilify school administrators and other parents by assuming the worst underlying motives. But the majority of people who actually have the responsibility of making community decisions are trying to strike the right balance. Give them the benefit of the doubt, hear them out and consider the tradeoffs that they are dealing with before forming your own opinions. Be open to new strategies to minimize school risks. For example, one such idea is pooled saliva testing which is to be used by the SUNY system. This is much cheaper and less invasive than traditional testing methods, and it will allow schools to rapidly shut down new outbreaks before they spread widely in the community.

3) There are a large number of controls - administrative, infrastructure / engineering, epidemiological and personal - that can be incorporated into an in-person reopening plan. It’s beyond the scope of this email to discuss them all, but here is a good summary. Not every school needs to adopt every possible control, but this should give you an idea about the kind of things that you might be asked to consider. Try to understand the goals that are reasonable for your child's particular situation, taking into account the time, place and current community infection rates. Keep this passage in mind:

“Given the uncertainty, reliance on an effective vaccine to solve the return-to-school problem is unrealistic, and other strategies that may at first glance seem too difficult or too expensive must be developed and implemented. If the position adopted by society is: ‘not until it is completely safe,’ then we have to recognize that the kindergarteners who left their elementary schools in March of 2020 may never see the inside of those buildings again. This is not feasible. Thus, we really need to shift the conversation from ‘perfectly safe’ and ‘only if there is vaccine’ to ‘how can we do this as safely as possible?’ and ‘what resources do we need in order to achieve this common goal?’“

4) The people who know more about COVID-19 than anyone else in the world never heard of it 8 months ago. This is a new virus, and we are learning about it daily. Beware of anyone who is absolutely certain, who doesn’t qualify their advice with words like “as best as we know right now”, or who makes definitive statements about the long term effects of infection. Watch out for people trying to score cheap political points by comparing someone’s prior and current statements, and claiming “hypocrisy” or “flip-flopping”. For something new like this, it is always important to follow current developments and continually refine policy and practices. Don’t be like the guy that Stephen Colbert was describing when he said: "He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened on Tuesday.” 5) Having accurate, current data about the number of local infections is CRUCIAL in running any sort of school plan, and that has to be monitored regularly. Plans for in-person education can change overnight - you can see that with the early opening and reclosing of several college campuses. As schools open, we are getting new data about the rate of infection in children, which must be watched closely as this process continues. Some recent information suggests that infection rates are actually rising faster in children than in adults. However, this data set covers all patients under ager 18. There is other evidence that toddlers have exceptionally low infection rates, despite being - as this article describes them - "mask licking germ bombs". 6) The American Academy of Pediatrics has a document outlining its recommendation for school reopening. In general, they recognize that there are serious downsides to remote learning including the challenges of effective teaching, the loss of the social aspects of school, and the inherent inequality of online classes, especially for underserved communities. So if in-person education can be done safely, that's better for kids. But they also stress the point that there is no one single answer for all times and places. Increasing evidence that children can be asymptomatic for weeks and spread the virus has to be incorporated into any school plan. While the AAP’s initial recommendations strongly advocated for in-person classes, these recommendations have been revised as it has become clear that more study is needed. This passage is from these guidelines:

“To be able to open schools safely, it is vitally important that communities take all necessary measures to limit the spread of the SARS-CoV-2. School policies must be flexible and nimble in responding to new information, and administrators must be willing to refine approaches when specific policies are not working…the AAP strongly advocates that all policy considerations for the coming school year should start with a goal of having students physically present in school. Unfortunately, in many parts of the United States, there is currently uncontrolled spread of SARS-CoV-2. Although the AAP strongly advocates for in-person learning for the coming school year, the current widespread circulation of the virus will not permit in-person learning to be safely accomplished in many jurisdictions.”

7) As parents, we are used to meticulously planning our children's lives far into the future. COVID-19 has shown us again and again that this is not always possible. Of course, we still need to anticipate challenges and make decisions, but we need to be much more comfortable with contingencies and accept the fact that things can change rapidly due to forces beyond our control. As the old joke goes: "How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans." 8) The mitigation practices that have helped us get the virus under control in New York City over the past few months are vital, and need to be continued, especially as schools reopen and socialization outside of school increases. Masks work. Hand hygiene works. Social distancing works. Our overall rate of positive test results has recently stayed around or below 1%. Unfortunately, there is no book that will tell you exactly what to do in every situation - we all use judgement in deciding what to do when. Masks work, but most people don't wear them inside with their immediate family members who are taking precautions when away from home, or when eating at an outdoor restaurant with adequate separation from other tables. On the other hand, for example, we might wear them when outside with a more distant family member who has been traveling from areas with a higher infection rate. Even if your family remains vigilant, if your child spends a significant amount of time indoors and/or without masks with someone from another family who isn’t so careful, you can reverse all of those hard won gains. Ideally, your child's social life will be built around families that share your concerns and attitudes, so that you can safely maintain the socialization that is so vital for healthy cognitive and emotional development. As infection rates have fallen, so has our attention to detail. The virus isn’t gone, and the cold weather will probably make transmission more likely. Stay strong, watch the numbers, listen with an open mind, and take care of each other. And as always, I’m happy to chat or email with any of you about your individual concerns. Best, Mike Rothschild

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ariannjs · 5 years

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KARIN | A SasuSaku FanFic (9/10)

(Karin - Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8)

——–

Hey guys! I know it's been a while. A lot has happened in the past few months in terms of my job and personal life that's why completing this chapter has been quite a struggle. Nonetheless, here it goes! The last chapter of "Karin" before its Epilogue!

——–

“Are you sure you’re just gonna stay here?”

A subtle nod was the only response that she got from the woman who didn’t even turn to face her.

She inwardly sighed. She could only try as much. But after almost a week of trying, she didn’t know what else to do to approach and console her friend. “Just...just call us if you need us then.”

Only another nod came her way, one that wasn’t even noticeable if not for the slight movement of the other woman’s pink tresses. So with a frown, Karin finally turned towards the door with the conclusion that it was hopeless expecting even a single word from Sakura.

She couldn’t blame her for acting this way though. If she was in her position right now, it would’ve been worse.

Gripping the door knob, Karin gave the room a once-over that caused her to bite her lip too hard. Just the sight of it gave an added weight to her own heart, such that you wouldn’t be able to bear if you’d stay in there much longer.

For the white walls consumed every color there was. Even the flowers dropped off by a few comrades on the side of the room seemed pale despite their variety. What made her tighten her grasp on the door knob was the fact that even the brightest of all the colors – the mop of pink with a tinge of green – couldn’t even paint the atmosphere with her usual vibrance anymore.

Releasing another sigh, Karin opened the door to once again leave Sakura in front of a motionless body that was sapped with color as well.

She was then met by a pair of purple eyes that gave her an intent gaze, eyes that she thought she wouldn’t be able to stare at anymore if Shizune didn’t succeed in that three-hour surgery almost a week ago.

Looking down, she shook her head in response to her husband’s unspoken question. “She won’t leave him, Sui. She barely even touched the lunch I’ve left inside earlier. And Sasuke?” She slowly shook her head again. “It’s been six days. I’m...I’m honestly losing hope about it.”

Suigetsu clenched his fists, looking away as Karin’s eyes became glassy. It wasn’t supposed to be this way...

“But Sakura, she wouldn’t budge. She’s the one who knows full well that there’s a thin line between the recovery and the failure of Sasuke’s organs. And the reality is...the chances are very slim. I—” Her voice began to tremble.

The Hidden Mist ninja couldn’t even move a muscle to comfort his wife while he himself wanted to sob from the inside. It wasn’t...it wasn’t supposed to be this way! His fist landed on the wall behind them as his mind traced to that time he and Sasuke were on the way to Suna for that damned mission entrusted to them.

There was that genuine smile on the Uchiha’s face that he never got to witness since he first met Sasuke. And for once, he got to a conclusion that Sasuke was truly happy and well-content, all because of a certain pink-haired woman that he would return to once they managed to successfully end their mission.

And although he teased him endlessly – which only made the Uchiha smirk without attempting to slice him with his kusanagi – he was also very happy that Sasuke finally found a reason to dwell on joy and not on hatred.

A reason for him to come home.

The reason for him to love.

He was there when Tobirama Senju mentioned that no clan could love as much as the Uchiha. That’s why it was noteworthy for Suigetsu to witness love bloom in Sasukes’s life. Yet remembering that only made him feel worse.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way…” he finally uttered out loud through gritted teeth. “It wasn’t...it wasn’t supposed to be him. He shouldn’t have chosen to save me! K-karin...he was just starting to be happy. I couldn’t be at peace if he wouldn’t be able to survive this. They don’t deserve this, Karin. Both of them! It should’ve been—”

“Suigetsu! Get out of the way!”

On that last split-second, he found himself hitting a tree trunk behind him while hearing a loud explosion from tens of yards away. He blinked and coughed, arm covering his nose as much as he could as his brain tried to make sense of what happened.

He wasn’t in this spot moments ago. And that in itself was an indication as to where his partner ended up in. “What the—Sasuke?! Sasuke!” Whipping his head from side to side, he tried to locate him.

Until minutes later, the entire hideout they’ve accidentally stumbled upon was covered in black flames, dissipating even the smoke with a peculiar smell that came with the explosion a while ago.

And amidst all the chaos came a limping black figure that made him scurry to his feet. He didn’t even feel the pain coming from the injury on his arm because the sight in front of him was much more painful to bear. “Sasuke! Dammit! What have you d—?!”

“Take...me...to Sakura.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Suigetsu!” Karin’s grip on her husband’s shoulders was too firm that the swordsman didn’t realize he has been trembling already.

“But, Karin! If...if he didn’t switch places with me on that last moment, he wouldn’t end up inhaling much of that poison and...dammit! I should’ve been on his place right now!”

“It should’ve been neither of you, okay? Stop thinking as if you should be the one lying on that death bed because—damn, Suigetsu!—as much as I don’t want Sasuke to...to die...Suika and I can’t lose you too!” Her shaking hands made their way to Suigetsu’s cheeks, wiping the stray tears that he was surely unaware of. “Whatever happens here, what he did only showed how much Sasuke cares for you...for us.”

The trembling of Suigetsu’s body slowly ebbed as he leaned on Karin’s touch. “He has already done so much for us, given so much, too. He shouldn’t have reached that point of having to give even his life for me.”

At this, Karin wasn’t able to fight back her own tears, but her lips formed a small smile. “Sasuke has changed a lot, hasn’t he? I still believe that he’s strong. And Sakura did her best. According to Shizune, that operation could've killed her too as she kept Sasuke alive. If we’re already feeling like this, I couldn’t imagine how much worse it is for Sakura. Yet look at her, she still has faith in Sasuke. For now, let’s just hope and pray that Sasuke’s body recovers before a full week ends.”

Suigetsu clenched his jaw. It’s just either that or...he didn’t even want to imagine anymore. He slowly nodded, sighing as he wrapped his arms around Karin’s waist. “I haven’t said it, but I missed you.”

Gone were the days that she felt useless in situations wherein she needed to do something. Gone were the days that she was helpless in front of enemies and amidst missions gone wrong.

As someone who strove to learn and worked really hard to be the woman that she is now, she knew her capabilities, both as a part of the medical field and the shinobi world. She was confident about who she is and what she can do, secured about her worth as a person and a ninja.

But when it came to Sasuke, she has always felt like she was not enough.

Not beautiful enough to attract him.

Not persuasive enough to make him stay.

Not strong enough to kill him with the thought of ending his misery.

Not worthy enough to join him on his redemptive journey.

Not lovable enough to have her feelings reciprocated after all these years.

It was like no matter how much she tried – how much she poured out every ounce of her being all for his sake – Sakura Haruno would never be enough for Sasuke Uchiha.

It even looked like a trend, that every time things were getting better between her and Sasuke, he would be taken away from her in one way or another. Back in the day, despite her declaration of love and promise of happiness, he still chose to leave everything behind to seek for power. Even with the available comfort of a home, a prosthetic limb, and a woman who still wanted to be with him after everything they’ve been through, he still desired to travel to better understand himself and the world. When he finally returned after that, he appeared as if he was already wedded and expecting a child, which in turn made her believe that she would never really have a chance of a happy ending with him.

And now...now that their bond was starting to bloom in the strongest way possible, he was stuck on that thin line between life and death even after being operated with her bare hands and injected with the concoction she has proudly produced.

She thought her insecurities were long gone. But seeing the man she loves lying in front of her – motionless as a rock with no assurance of waking up – she couldn’t help but entertain the demons in her mind that were born that time she was first bullied about her wide forehead.

Even Shizune and the other nurses who assisted her in the surgery could attest that she did what she could in order to remove all the toxins in Sasuke's body and repair the damages he received on his organs.

Yet even that seemed to be not good enough to heal and save him.

Sakura was well aware that there would be another waiting game after the surgery for even after some medicines and medical ninjutsu, the patient’s body should be left to heal on its own until it recovers completely.

And so she waited, barely even moving from where she was seated nor leaving Sasuke’s room.

She wanted to be there when he wakes up. She wanted to be the first person he would see. She wanted to make sure that he’d survive such a catastrophe.

But it’s been seven days since the operation, and only a few hours left til its full week mark.

By this time, Sasuke should’ve woken up or at least had progress with his vital signs, an indication that his organs were slowly becoming normal.

To her dismay, there wasn’t even a tinge of progress at all.

As Sakura monitored the machine beside Sasuke’s bed and checked his vitals, she felt as if the man she loves was now a ticking time bomb. For as much as she wanted to deny the facts that she knew, hitting the full week mark could mean that his internal parts couldn’t recuperate on its own anymore.

And that could only result to one thing.

“Are you tired of fighting, Sasuke-kun?” Her voice came out hoarse. Yet she wished he could hear him so clearly right now. “I’m...I’m still waiting, but...do you want me to still wait for you?”

The last time she cried was right after Sasuke’s operation, breaking down to the point that Shizune had to inject her with a tranquilizer just so she could sleep for the night. Since then, all her pain and thoughts were tucked inside her as if trying to prove the unconscious Sasuke that she wasn't the same weak girl from their genin team anymore.

For days, there were no tears. For hours, there was barely a reaction. But as the clock ticked by, she was also reaching the last straw of her countenance.

Sakura Haruno was no longer weak, but she was getting to the point of becoming ready to let go.

Placing the stethoscope on Sasuke's chest one last time before the “deadline” she was hoping to not reach, her heart constricted due to that fact that this could be the end of it all.

Tears should be coming out of her tear ducts by now but it felt like she has released them all a week ago and all she could do now was simply stare at this man's beautiful face. She could either witness the machine beside him show a flat line as a loud beep fills the room or she could report everything to Shizune and let her handle the situation from here.

Because after everything she had done, with her love for him and her passion and knowledge in medicine, his death would only invalidate all the growth she has accumulated in the past years. She wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she saw him breathe his last breath in front of her.

Because of her.

And so, she chose the latter option.

She held his hand then, like pretty much majority of the time she was there in the room with him. “I’m sorry. I’m..." Her lower lip started to tremble as she gently moved to caress his cheek. "I'm so, so sorry.”

Leaning closer, she planted a soft kiss on his forehead, lingering for a longer time before pulling away. “It was, and will always be you, Sasuke-kun...in my heart.”

With one last squeeze to his hand, she stood up, heart shattering like never before as she finally decided to leave all the rest to the One who has the only power to give and take away one’s life.

"Always."

As she reached the door, with her limp hand landing on the door knob, there came a sharp gasp of breath from behind her that made her suddenly freeze in place. Her natural reaction should’ve been to turn around and check where the sound came from, but she didn’t want to fool herself. Besides, she hadn’t slept a wink in the past two days and she barely took in some food today.

But when she heard some shuffling of sheets from the bed, her heart raced and her hand trembled as it gripped the door knob tighter.

Could it be…

Could it be that…

“S-sakura.”

Sakura’s eyes widened in disbelief as she whipped her head towards the hospital bed and saw the proof that she wasn’t hallucinating at all.

For there was Sasuke, weakly moving to sit upright while staring at her with that softness that she missed seeing after almost three months.

His lips curved upwards, as if finally seeing light after craving for it in the dark. The sight triggered her tears to finally, freely flow down her cheeks. And it felt like all the colors in the room slowly returned while his obsidian and amethyst eyes reunited with her emerald ones.

Time seemed to stop but Sakura’s body moved on its own. She threw her arms around him – a reprise of an all too familiar scene from so many years ago – barely even noticing the way Sasuke’s lone arm draped around her small frame as she remained sobbing for a minute or two.

His body was cold, yet his familiar warmth eventually returned as he remained in her embrace.

A proof that he’s alive.

A proof that he recovered.

A proof that after letting go of all control and trusting the One who holds it all, her efforts to save him, prayers for his well-being, and the days of waiting were not in vain.

It was only then that another sound filled the room other than the rhythmic beeping of the machine beside Sasuke's bed, but the man didn't seem to mind the broken cries he was hearing. If anything, it calmed his newly awakened senses.

“You’re...you're such an idiot. You’re really such an idiot! If only you brought the potion I made! If only you weren’t too reckless! If only you took care of yourself! You wouldn’t have—damn it, Sasuke-kun!”

Sasuke tightened his hold on her as another smile formed with his dry lips. “I’m sorry.”

“You can’t just do something that could kill you and then apologize afterwards! Please don’t do that again!” Sakura's sobs subsided after a while, until she uttered her greatest fear that awakened her insecurities in the past few days, “Just don’t do that again. I thought I’m...I thought I’m going to lose you once more…” Yet something else clicked in her brain as she slowly pulled back, her eyes averting his. “But then I realized...you’re not even mine to begin with.”

“You’re wrong.”

With a gasp, her eyes widened a bit as she gazed back at him. Taking in his declaration, her mouth parted and closed for a moment, before opening again in an attempt to say anything in response. Yet no words left her throat.

She then realized that Sasuke’s hand was on her waist. And at that moment, with that rare gesture and two simple yet vague words coming from the man she loves, it felt as if every single doubt and insecurity in her body melted away in a heartbeat.

“Sakur—Sa...Sasuke?! Sasuke! You’re awake!"

They were instantly a few meters apart when a certain redhead entered the room. Much thanks to Karin's surprised state, she didn't even notice how Sakura looked bashful as she turned away to wipe her tears.

“Thank Kami! We almost thought you wouldn’t—wait a minute—my goodness, Sakura! Your chakra is fluctuating and you’ll probably lose it any minute now!” Quickly taking command, Karin extended her arm in front of Sakura’s face. “Come on, bite. It will replenish your chakra until you get home.”

“Home? Karin, I still have to check Sasuke-kun’s vital si—”

“No. I guess it’s best that I take it from here. Sakura, you haven’t gone home since…”

It didn't take long for Sasuke to realize what that pause meant. He shut his eyes and sighed. “She’s right, Sakura.”

“But, Sasuke-kun...you’re—”

“I’ll be fine,” he assured her with a soft voice. “Go.”

There was that familiar worried look on her features yet again. And as much as it flattered him to know that she’s still as concerned to him as ever, he was well aware of the fact that Sakura was giving more than he will ever deserve, even to the point of tiring herself. Probably even to the point of giving her own life to him who would never deserve such grace and love.

It was only Sakura who could do that. Only her who could make him feel the warmth in his heart right now.

Karin nodded in agreement, jutting her chin to her arm. It's the only help she could give Sakura before she faints right then and there.

“O-okay, then. I’ll be back soon.” With no apparent energy left to argue, the head medic gently bit Karin’s arm and walked towards the door, glancing one last time at Sasuke while his two words from earlier lingered in her mind.

As the door of his hospital room closed, a smile finally appeared on her face for the first time in seven days.

Sakura had never felt this good being wrong.

“Has she at least tried to sleep and eat well?”

Karin turned to look at Sasuke and then her eyes became glassy. “You—!” She flung her arms around his neck, trying her best to restrain her tears from falling. This was still Sasuke, her former team leader and first love, after all. “You’re the one who’s in pain right now yet you’re still looking after others? Are you out of your mind, Sasuke?!”

“Karin. Get off me. You’re a married woman, aren’t you?”

She pulled away, avoiding his eyes as she bit her trembling lip. “I am. That’s why I want to thank you. T-thank you for...saving Suigetsu.”

A tear escaped her eyes when she remembered the possibility of her husband dying on that last mission alongside Sasuke. Then she wiped it with the back of her hand before wagging a finger at the patient beside her. “But you didn’t have to be as impulsive as that, idiot! Now look at you!”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. The first time someone broke down in front of him today, he was completely fine with it. Of course, it was Sakura. But this time with Karin, he was struggling to tolerate how much of an emotional mess she was, until he remembered why he did what he did. “I only did what had to be done. Suigetsu has someone waiting for him here. He has a family.”

“And you don’t?”

He looked up at the redhead.

“Sakura has been waiting for you to come home, unscathed and alive. She was too excited when she learned that there was only a week left before you and Suigetsu would come home. But then…” She immediately shook her head to shun the memory of that unexpected night. “It wasn't easy for her to see you like that in the past few days, even after doing what she could as a doctor. With everything that I've seen her do for you, you cannot tell me that you have no one to return to, Sasuke. And don't you dare forget about Naruto and the Sixth. You, too, have a family here. So you can’t be reckless just like that! Not anymore, you hear me?”

“Hn." Upon glancing at the door where Sakura left, Sasuke realized that this would be the first time that he'd completely agree with his former teammate in Taka.

She had witnessed everything that Sakura did for him while he was away and after he returned with his life on the line. He didn't even need to be informed, but what Karin stated only added to what he already knows – he could always go home to Sakura. That one woman who reminds him of what having a family feels like, in her own ways.

"Thanks, Karin."

At a loss for words, Karin simply stared at Sasuke after hearing his gratitude. And weirdly, another tear rolled down her cheek as she thought of how far they've come since the first time they've met. They didn't have the affinity that Sasuke had with Sakura, Naruto, or Kakashi, but they now finally have something that she could call a friendship.

And she, too, was grateful for that.

Wiping her tear, she cleared her throat and grabbed Sasuke's clipboard on the bedside table. "Alright, let's have your checkup. I still need to tell my husband the good news."

On the next few days, Sasuke had no choice but to be pinned on his hospital bed. As much as it irked him, he couldn't complain to her beautiful doctor who checked on him everyday. He could've sneaked out of the hospital through the window just like so many years before, or even travelled wherever he wanted to escape through his dojutsu, but Sakura was so firm about him staying in the hospital as long as she said so, that even the powerful last Uchiha couldn't disagree. There was nothing and no one that could stop the head medic from making sure that no poison was left in his body and that his organs were all functioning normally.

And with that, he couldn’t help but fall for her even more. With her every visit, Sasuke found himself observing and realizing a lot of things about her just now. Like how her hair had been a little longer, almost as long as that hairstyle she had before he left her with a forehead poke. How the purple mark of her strength complemented with her fair skin in between her parted bangs. How her green, green eyes squinted in concentration whenever she would check his vital signs, administer some tests, or write something on his chart. And how her lips would curve into a relieved smile before announcing to him his health's progress.

This was one of those sides of Sakura that he didn't get to witness and experience first hand because he was away for so long.

Experiencing it now, he felt proud of Sakura for all her success in her field. And he was appreciative of all her hard work especially for his sake; however, there was still one apparent problem – this doctor couldn't even fit in her schedule a time to rest.

As he stared at her while she was taking his blood test, his lips formed a small frown at the sight of the dark circles under her eyes. And no, it wasn't because it made her less beautiful, it was because he was reminded of Karin's words about Sakura not sleeping well while he was unconscious. Just to take care of him, she didn't even go home at all.

He sighed. “Sakura, you need to rest. Go home and do just that.”

“Huh?” Sakura turned to him after writing something on her clipboard, surprised at the sudden command. “I’m supposed to look after you here and conduct other tests, Sasuke-kun. I can’t just go home and leave that.”

“Then rest here.” In an instant, Sasuke stood from the bed and slowly paced towards the small couch in the room, chin gesturing towards his former spot which shocked the head medic.

“Sasuke-kun! Why did you—?”

“You’re the one who told me that I’m supposed to be moving more now, right?”

Her eyes were still so wide despite the sudden heavy feeling from her lids. “That doesn’t mean that you’re gonna stay on the couch!”

Sasuke only shook his head. “Since you were saying that you’re supposed to stay with me for the rest of the afternoon, and going home is not an option, you’re going to take my advice and rest there.”

Sakura parted her lips but closed it again, unable to form a response to that. He was right though, she badly needed a nap before she does another round of tests and then evaluate them. So when Sasuke sat on the couch and raised an eyebrow at her, she had no choice but to slowly – awkwardly – get on the bed and position herself for a quick nap. “Wake me up in fifteen minutes then.”

“An hour.”

“That’s too long!”

The Uchiha nonchalantly brushed his hand on his hair. “An hour, Sakura.” He then frowned. “That’s nothing compared to the sleepless nights you had when I was unconscious.”

Sakura heaved a sigh in resignation. She couldn’t find the strength to say no to the Uchiha now, to think that she was the doctor here. “Fine. An hour.”

“Or more.”

“Sasuke-kun!”

Then Sasuke chuckled. The Sasuke Uchiha chuckled while Sakura was on the verge of fuming.

He couldn’t help but be amused with the sight or her narrowed eyes and reddened cheeks while reluctantly seated on the bed he has been enduring for days. “Just sleep, Sakura.”

Huffing, that’s what she eventually did, making Sasuke smile in triumph. Winning over Sakura’s antics suddenly became so much better than defeating Kaguya and his evil ancestor. Moments later, he found himself staring at her affectionately as her breathing became relaxed.

Then Sakura dreamt of feeling a pair of soft lips meeting with her forehead.

"You're quite early, Sasuke-kun!"

"Aa."

"Still the early bird, huh?" Sakura giggled out loud. "Please just make yourself comfortable in the living room while I prepare here in the kitchen, okay?" And then she went back to humming an upbeat song just like what she was doing before she heard the opening of her front door.

She was both excited and nervous about today. By dinner time, they would have a simple gathering in her house that she initiated to celebrate the full recovery of both Sasuke and Suigetsu. Karin was giddy with the idea; even Naruto was bouncing off the walls when he learned that Sakura was going to cook for them. Shizune, on the other hand, was thankful that she could leave the hospital early and have friends she could dine with. And Kakashi thought it was worth dedicating some of his time to amidst his busy Hokage life.

Remembering them assured her that her limited invited guests would have fun tonight. But would one of the main casts of the celebration even consider this as something enjoyable?

Apparently, Sasuke has never attended a party even for his own birthday in the past few years. Plus, he wasn't the kind of person who likes a lot of interactions especially if the spotlight is on him. As she turned on the stove, a part of her began to doubt for the nth time if she shouldn't have insisted the idea without even consulting him first.

Because, what if he just gets bored? Or what if he wouldn't like my cooking? What if this would make him so uncomfortable to the point that he'd rather be on his own and leave the vill-?

A hand on the side of her waist made her jerk, effectively stopping her trail of thoughts. And warmth reached her cheeks when she realized that Sasuke's face was just right next to hers as he peeked over her shoulder to see what she was mixing on the saucepan.

Air seemed to have left her lungs as his hand continued to rest on her side. She didn't want to faint right then and there even though he was in the best position to catch her easily, knowing that it would've been so, so embarrassing if it happened now that they're already young adults.

Sakura already had enough of Sasuke seeing her faint because of him before. So a repeat of that now would only ruin her track record as the strongest kunoichi of her generation.

His deep voice then filled her ears. "Do you need any help?"

"Uh...I…" She gulped. You're not 12 anymore. You're not 12 anymore. You're not 12 anymore! Clearing her throat, she mustered the courage to turn around and wag a finger at Sasuke with the hopes that her blush had subsided. "Hey. I appreciate that you want to help but excuse me, Sir, this celebration is for you. So what I need you to do right now is sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the night. Okay, Sasuke-kun?" She slightly pushed him on the chest afterwards without meeting his eyes. "Now go back to the living room. Shoo!"

"Tch. Annoying."

"Hey! I heard that!"

Sasuke could only smirk at her over his shoulder as he made his way back to the living room. And the moment he was gone, Sakura let out a loud sigh while leaning on the countertop, heart racing because why in the world would Sasuke – the can't-be-touched-unless-it's-necessary Sasuke – touch her like that? Plus, for the second time around?

It was a very boyfriend thing to do, which also meant it was not a very Sasuke-like gesture. But for him to do that...to me… She bit her lip to restrain a grin and repeatedly patted her cheeks.

Is this finally a sign that her waiting was over?

Things were thankfully not awkward with Sasuke after that. What mattered to Sakura now was seeing how he was smiling every now and then while interacting in his own ways with their guests.

During dinner, she watched as he helped himself with a plateful of various dishes, making her feel proud of her improving cooking skills. And as they gathered in the living room for some tea and desserts brought by the Hozuki family, she couldn't help but adore how he subtly played with Suika while the baby tried to climb onto his lap.

Everything was a lot better than what she initially thought for seeing such contentment on Sasuke's face warmed her heart like never before. It felt so much like a dream come true, knowing that the man she loves deserves all the happiness in the world after everything he has been through. And for once, in one way or another, she had been a part of what made him glad.

"So what are your plans after this?" Kakashi suddenly decided to unite the divided conversations after winning over Suigetsu on a round of Shoji.

With anmitsu still in his mouth, Naruto tilted his head to one side and questioned, "Plans?"

"That's not in your vocabulary, Dobe."

"Oi!"

Everyone chuckled at the usual bickering of Sasuke and Naruto.

"We know you don't usually have that, but yeah, I'm curious about your plans for the future."

"Sometimes I'm not really sure if you've ever loved me, Kakashi-sensei." He pouted. "But for plans, hmm…" His ears suddenly became tinged with red as he pondered about his answer. "Uhm...Hinata and I...we want to have a baby probably early next year."

"Oh my gosh, Naruto!" Sakura gasped, almost tearing up at the news. "That's...shannaro! I'm so excited for you and Hinata!"

"Wow. It's about time, Naruto. Another Uzumaki aside from you and me." With a beam, Karin shot a glance at her daughter who was busy tugging Sasuke's sleeve. "In the past six months, Sui and I have come to understand that having a child is a wonderful thing. Congrats to you and the Hyuga!"

The jinchuriki's eyes gleamed at that. "I'm looking forward to it, 'ttebayo! Thanks, Sakura-chan, Karin!"

"You're a big boy now, huh?" Sasuke smirked but his eyes held tenderness for his brother-like best friend. Pride welled in his heart at the fact that Naruto's finally going to have something that he never had – a real family.

"One more time and I'll Rasengan you, Teme!" Naruto raised his fist. "At least I had the boldness to ask a girl's hand in marriage! Right, Kakashi-sensei?” He stuck his tongue out, which only earned an eye roll from the Uchiha. “Oh! And by the way, you still owe me for ditching my wedding!"

"Alright, stop it. Not in my house, you two!"

"Don't worry, Sakura-chan! I won't embarrass Teme right in front of you!"

Sasuke scoffed. "Usuratonkachi."

"Ah, I guess it's that time wherein I'm about to be a grandpa." Kakashi had a close-eyed smile as he glanced at his former team, marveling on the fact that they've come a long way since that time he entered their classroom with a chalkboard eraser dropping on his head. After everything that had happened to them, he never imagined that he'd still have the privilege of witnessing his students enter into adulthood at such a peaceful time among the villages. He chuckled to himself, he really used to hate them, but his love for them now was already beyond what a teacher could give. "Oh, well. How about you, Shizune?"

"I can see we're really getting older, Kakashi." Shizune cackled. "My plans? Other than helping in the hospital, I'll probably just be stuck with you."

For a short moment, the other five adults in the room just stared at Shizune and Kakashi while their eyes remained fixed on each other.

Until Shizune's eyes widened in realization. She then added, "I-I mean, stuck with you in assisting you on your tasks, Hokage-sama!" She bowed on her seat, hiding the blush adorning her cheeks as an uncomfortable silence continued to surround them.

At this, Naruto stifled a laugh while glancing mischievously at Sasuke and Sakura who both had smirks on their faces. It reminded them of those days wherein they were too sneaky and curious about their sensei's love life, other than the face behind his mask.

Noticing his former students’ gestures despite not having the Sharingan, Kakashi released a nervous laugh. "No need to be too formal, Shizune. And it's not like I'm giving you tons of tasks, right?” He cleared his throat much louder than necessary, and then shifted his gaze to the other side of the room. "Meanwhile, how about you, Suigetsu and Karin?”

Quite surprised with the sudden attention, the Hidden Mist ninja scratched the back of his head as he contemplated for a moment if he should already share about their family’s plans. "Well, actually, we're planning to finally head back to Kiri in a week or two. Since our baby is already in her best physical condition – much thanks to Sasuke and Sakura here – I think it's about time that we settle in our own place."

"Really?" It was Sakura who once again reacted first, with her lips formed in a slight frown. "I honestly felt like we've been with you for just a short time."

Shizune nodded. "Yeah. We will miss you in the hospital, Karin."

"Thank you, guys. We were really quite torn about it," Karin chimed in, remembering so well everything that she has learned and experienced ever since she stepped inside Konoha right next to Sasuke. "This village surprisingly felt like home to us in the past few months, but the reality is, this is not our home."

"Your family will always be welcome here, though."

Both Hozukis couldn't help but smile appreciatively at the Hokage's words. It made them feel like they now have an extended family, residing in the place that they almost destroyed so many years ago.

"And Suigetsu, I'm grateful for all your help on the missions with Sasuke. I know they weren't exactly easy, especially that last one that almost costed you your life. That's why I'm really glad that Sakura initiated this small celebration for you and Sasuke. Thank you for what you've done." Kakashi nodded to the two men before turning to the host of the gathering. "Speaking of Sakura, how about you? Thanks for your preparations, by the way!"

Butting in, Suigetsu raised his hand and said, "Yes, Sakura-san! Thank you! I'm so full I feel like I'm all good until tomorrow!"

Sakura chuckled with him. "You're welcome. It's...well, I remember offering to prepare dinner for Sasuke-kun in my place before." She threw a glance at Sasuke and smiled softly before looking away. "I thought it would be nice serving you all as well. Hmm, for the plans? I really haven't thought of anything other than continuing to manage the hospital."

"You've been working so hard, Sakura-chan! You should probably find something else to do! Or maybe have a boyfriend or something!" Naruto wiggled his eyebrows, but surprisingly, to someone else in the room.

Sakura turned beet red. "E-eh? I'm fine, Naruto. I'm enjoying my job. And, I'm...I'm really not in a hurry for anything else."

"But you still need to rest every now and then."

Naruto smirked upon hearing his best friend's deep voice. "See? Even Teme agrees with me!"

"But I'm resting, Sasuke-kun!"

"It's not enough."

Much to Sasuke's amusement, Sakura could only pout in response to that.

"Sasuke's right though, Sakura. Just tell me if you need some days off. I'm sure Shizune has been recommending you the same thing. And Naruto's also right that you need time for other things."

There was a sudden mischievous glint in Kakashi's eyes as he stared at her. But she couldn't point out what it was for. She appreciated all their concern though, besides, they all have a point, especially Sasuke.

"Yes, dattebayo! Ha! You're the only one left now, Teme! So, any plans?" Naruto grinned like a Cheshire cat, and once again, the Uchiha only rolled his eyes at him.

As Sasuke stared at the now sleeping baby on his chest, he thought about his next steps in life. Although the same question has crossed his mind a few times, he hadn't arrived yet to a specific conclusion for his own plans. He only had two options – to leave or to stay, which were both still vague for him as of now.

But then, his gaze landed on Sakura. And the moment his eyes found her green ones, the answer to the hanging question presented itself as if it's been hiding there all along. Without looking away, Sasuke then verbalized it for everyone to hear, "I'm going to stay in the village for a while."

"Sakura-chan! Thank you once again for the hospitality and good food! It's too bad Hinata missed this due to some Hyuga business she had to attend to," Naruto said before a yawn escaped from his lips as he stood outside Sakura's front door. "But next time I'll make sure she gets to hang out with us, 'ttebayo!"

Sakura chuckled at the sight of the jinchuriki who helped out in cleaning their mess after the Hozuki family, the Hokage, and his assistant have left. He didn't have to use some chakra, but the man wanted to prove to his best friend that he was an efficient husband, one that could even quicken a task by multiplying himself. The whole while, Sasuke could only scoff at Naruto's attempt in housekeeping, but at least he wasn't the one extremely exhausted now, to think that he was helping with only one arm.

"I'd love that, Naruto! Now go home to your wife and rest, alright? You've used lots of chakra for your training and in cleaning today!"

"Ha! If only Teme helped more, the load would've been easier."

"Idiot. I helped in making sure you've left no bacteria in Sakura's house."

"What the—!"

Sakura groaned. "Can you guys at least end the night without bickering? And you! Sasuke-kun, don't forget that you still have a medicine to drink before you sleep tonight. So go home now, you two!"

She dramatically turned to her house, making Naruto cackle before finally leaving in a puff of smoke. She yawned as she reached her door knob, yet there was still one guest left after such a long night.

"Sakura."

Something about the way Sasuke said her name reminded her of the little sweet encounter they had before dinner.

With her heart racing in anticipation and curiosity, she turned to face him again, only to meet Sasuke's chest as he gently pulled her in a very unexpected embrace.

And then he muttered, "Thank you.”

Frozen in place, it took a little longer before Sakura realized what was happening, until she remembered those two moments wherein Sasuke also thanked her with such genuineness. Both incidents were meaningful for her, but this meant so much more. So much more that she found herself smiling against his chest for this was the very first time that it was him who pulled her close.

Her arms took up residence around his waist before she replied, "Anything for you, Sasuke-kun."

It was the death of the old Sasuke and Sakura. For although unspoken, both of them were certain that there was a future in store for them – one that they wouldn’t venture alone, but together.

——–

August 2019 | AriannJS

——–

Finally got to upload the most difficult chapter for me to write! WOW. WHAT A JOURNEY. It took me 4 months to work on this chapter and then after this we're off to the Epilogue! * cries in G#m *

Here's a surprise tho - the Epilogue is already finished and is just undergoing its final revisions! See it FIRST on my PATREON by AUGUST 28! ;) My username is also AriannJS there, and I would appreciate it if you become a patron, which would give you an early (and even exclusive) access to my future fics!

I really can't believe that this story is coming to an end! Thank you for taking the time to read it since the beginning! And most especially, thanks to those who intentionally give their detailed comments about their thoughts and feelings on each chapter! Your words give me a boost to continue writing!

Thanks & God bless! - A

#SASUSAKU #ss fics #ss fanfics #sasusaku fanfics #uchiha sasuke #haruno sakura #Karin Uzumaki #Suigetsu Hozuki #Sakura Haruno #Sasuke Uchiha #sasusaku angst #ariannjfics

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urbanfantasypodcast · 5 years

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Haunted Histories: Waverly Hills Sanatorium

[Cross posted on Urban Fantasy Blogging at Wordpress.]

Welcome to Urban Fantasy, a blog filled with content on haunted locations, urban legends, and cryptid histories. This is our first post on Haunted Histories and first up is the Waverly Hills Sanitorium in Louisville, Kentucky (my birth state)! For those who have no idea what a sanitorium is or why this location is on the list, let’s start with a rough overview.

A sanitorium is, typically, a place for people with a long-term or chronic illness. Waverly Hills in particular took care of those who were considered to be infected with a ‘plague’ in the time it served as a sanitorium, which was roughly 1926 to 1961. This building saw thousands of deaths, and not many of them were peaceful. First, though, let’s take a step back and talk about the plague that Waverly Hills dealt with.

When we talk about plagues that have wiped out millions of people, our thoughts tend to land on “the Black Plague,” but many would be surprised to know there’s a plague far more deadly. It’s been called “the plague of all plagues,” the “White Death,” and many more, but most tend to know it as tuberculous, or, TB.

First, what is TB? Tuberculosis is a dangerous infection that infects the lungs and, essentially, destroys them. Simply put, “Tuberculosis (TB) bacteria are breathed in through the nose and mouth and can enter the lung [and] Tuberculosis is spread through droplets put in the air by infected people who do not cover their mouths and noses when they cough” (1).

This isn’t just a disease that only affects certain parts of the world, either. “Tuberculosis (TB) is a global disease, found in every country in the world. It is the leading infectious cause of death worldwide” (2). While the disease was far more deadly back in the days when Waverly Hill was open, it’s still a deadly force, even today.

Dr Mario Raviglione, the WHO's tuberculosis director, said, "Tuberculosis and HIV are now competing to be the number one cause of death from infectious disease in the world. … Tuberculosis now ranks alongside HIV” (3). This is a terrifying disease that still plagues us and can lead to a gruesome end - which is where the haunted part of this history comes into play.

Waverly Hills Sanitorium was built in Louisville, Kentucky, and in 1900, “Louisville, Kentucky had the highest tuberculosis death rate in the country. This was due to the fact Louisville is such a low valley area and before development, was basically all swampland and perfect breeding ground for the Tuberculosis bacteria” (4).

As someone who lived in this state for 22 years, I can promise that’s not an exaggeration, either. The Ohio River and warm, muggy valleys and swamplands played as the perfect breeding ground for this plague, infecting thousands of people in its time. Being an airborne disease, there was little that could be done to stop such a rapid spread, especially when this was before the cure had even been found. It was a deadly, terrifying disease, and to put it into proper perspective, “[b]y the dawn of the 19th century, tuberculosis—or consumption—had killed one in seven of all people that had ever lived” (5)

It’s been said that tens of thousands died at Waverly during the height of the epidemic, but this is more of a lie than a myth. Overall it was estimated that over 8,000 people died on Waverly’s property, including worker suicides (6).

This also includes patients who underwent surgeries such as deflating a lung and removing ribs to give the lungs “more room to breathe” all without anesthetics (6) to those from when Waverly Hills was turned into a geriatric care center in 1962 that performed horrific experiments on the patients for non-existent conditions (7).

Now you’re starting to see where the haunted comes into play. Waverly Hills has seen more death and torture in its walls than can be fathomed. Suicides by depressed workers who could no longer handle the countless deaths, soldiers from World War II who were infected with illnesses that could not be fought, patients with TB who had no cure besides “fresh air and sunlight” and often died on the hour every hour, and elderly patients who were rumored to undergo torturous procedures such as shock therapy, lobotomies, and many others “treatments” all met their end in this building.

Haunted happenings have ranged from hearing voices telling people to get out to the smell of baking bread in the kitchens, to the sound of children laughing, to the sights of gathered shadow people. Yes, countless children died within the halls of Waverly Hills, as well.

A small part of the reason this Sanitorium saw so much death was that it functioned much like a miniature city. It was originally purchased by Major Thomas H. Hays in 1883 and was used as a home and school for his daughters before the city purchased the building and land to use due to the rapid increase in TB patients (8). As such, the land already had its own farm that was converted for patient use, but as patients increased, so did the need for more amenities.

“Waverly Hills had it’s own post office, water treatment facility, grew it’s own fruits and vegetables, raised it’s own meat for slaughter and maintained many of the other necessities of everyday life. Everyone at Waverly – patients, nurses, doctors and other employees had to say ‘goodbye’ to everything they knew on the outside world. Once you went to Waverly Hills, you became a permanent resident “on the hill” (9).

This was a horrifying reality, and “In 1916 a pavilion for children was opened at Waverly Hills. A schoolroom in one end of this building accommodating approximately 40 children, furnished with necessary equipment…” (10).

For many, many people, Waverly Hills was the last place they ever saw, and it was filled with death, decay, and the knowledge that they would likely never leave. It’s hardly any wonder the building is haunted to this day; especially in the area known as the Death Tunnel or “the Body Chute.”

This underground tunnel runs from the front entrance of the main building to the bottom of the hill and was originally over 500 feet long. It was used as a heating duct, originally, and to climb the hill safely in the winter, but during the TB years it was used to transport the dead so they wouldn’t be seen by any other patients in an effort to bolster morale. This means this tunnel saw thousands of dead bodies, many of them only deceased for a few hours or less by the time their body made the trip. Countless people today have said that the tunnel is “haunted by those who made their last journey through it” (11). It was to the point that a movie was named after it, Death Tunnel (2005), and filmed at Waverly Hills.

Interestingly enough, the reason the haunted hospital is so run down and broken is due to one of its last owners, a man who wanted the building condemned so he could build the world’s largest statue of Jesus Christ (that’s Kentucky for you). “He let vandals come into the building and tear it up. After breaking windows, porcelain sinks, toilets and doors, they began spraying graffiti on every available wall. The owner then dug around the foundation, in some places as deep as 30 feet, to try and make the foundation crack” (4). Needless to say, the man failed in his endeavor.

In 2001 Waverly Hills was sold to the current owners, Tina and Charlie Mattingly, who are paranormal enthusiasts and offer tours around Waverly Hills, all proceeds going to fix the building up and restore it.

As you’ve read, Waverly Hills Sanitorium was a place filled with tragic death and loss, but it’s important to keep in mind that it was also a place of healing and hope! This building was originally made to help people heal, and they did their best for the time period they were in. The building stands vacant, now, but, well… There are different meanings to the term vacant.

If you get a chance, I highly recommend exploring the building and trying your own look in spotting any who might be left behind. It’s not uncommon to hear children playing or to see nurses and doctors still making their rounds and checking on patients.

Just be careful of the underground tunnel that travels down the hill. There’s more than one place for a tunnel to let out, after all.

Did you enjoy this post and learning about Waverly Hills? Considering dropping a few dollars into my tip jar at https://ko-fi.com/mjanderson or pledging monthly to my Patreon where you can gain access to posts in progress, exclusive content you won’t see anywhere else, and so much more, all at https://patreon.com/mjanderson!

For even more reading about the Waverly Hills Sanatorium, check out the work done by the Buzzfeed Unsolved team in their own exploration of the building: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXhLlWQtdt0

https://www.buzzfeed.com/unsolvednotes/notes-for-unsolved-waverly-hills-sanatorium

Sources in Order of Appearance

[1]https://books.google.com/books?id=5mCn7y_B16sC&pg=PA88&dq=what+did+tuberculosis+do+to+the+body

[2]https://www.tballiance.org/why-new-tb-drugs/global-pandemic

[3]https://www.bbc.com/news/health-34658015

[4]http://arch.thomas-industriesinc.com/Bldg_WaverlyHills.htm

[5]https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/plague-gallery/

[6]https://www.onlyinyourstate.com/kentucky/waverly-hills-sanatorium-ky/

[7]https://www.historicmysteries.com/waverly-hills-sanatorium/

[8]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waverly_Hills_Sanatorium

[9]https://www.therealwaverlyhills.com/about

[10]http://freepages.rootsweb.com/~waverlymemorial/history/newspapers/waverly_herald/History_wh/history_p12.jpg

[11]http://mentalfloss.com/article/17263/haunted-hospital

[Some Photos]http://www.lovethesepics.com/2013/10/waverly-hills-sanatorium-1-of-the-scariest-abandoned-hospitals-in-america/

#kentucky #waverly hills #waverly hills sanatorium #haunted locations #tuberculosis #haunted histories

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charlifdichstein-blog · 4 years

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Hypnosis has been around ever since the dawn of man

This powerful tool is accessible to all human beings. Unfortunately, in the past, hypnosis has gained a bad reputation from all the misconceptions carried by the film and book industry. Hence, hypnosis is often perceived as scary or dangerous by people who do not fully understand its functioning. Truth of the matter is that hypnosis is a natural and normal state of the human mind where a higher level of focus can be reached. Hence, by simply pushing aside the conscious mind (the arguing part of our selves), hypnosis opens access to the subconscious mind where positive and powerful changes can take place easily. hypnosis You will be amazed to discover the following top ten secrets you should know about modern hypnosis:

1) Learning self-hypnosis is within everyone=s reach. You don=t need a skilled hypnotherapist by your side every time you want to go into hypnosis. Hypnosis is a learned skill and is attainable by everyone.

I am a strong believer in the saying : " Give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day. Teach a man how to fish, you will feed him for life. " Most of my patients who have learned self-hypnosis in preparation for a natural childbirth told me they kept on using the techniques they learned even after their baby was born.

2) What we think will happen, happens. We program ourselves for our future. Therefore, people who think like winners - become winners. People who think like losers - become losers. The good news is that YOU can control how you think and program yourself positively with the help of hypnosis.

3) You can remember or hear everything while in hypnosis. The depth of your hypnosis will vary from a light trance (like daydreaming) to Aspacing-out@ and having the impression that you have been sleeping. Hypnosis is nothing more than a nice feeling of letting go. Many of my patients after listening to one of my self-hypnosis recordings are concerned that they might have fallen asleep because they do not remember anything that was said. I re-assure them by telling them that if they were asleep, they would not have emerged on the count of three. It makes sense.

4) Everyone can use hypnosis to gain better mental and physical health. The average human uses only about 10% of its mental power. Hypnosis might be one way to find the keys that open the gateway to the hidden treasure our powerful minds contain.

My personal experience as a hypnotherapist shows me that the old belief that a certain percent of the population cannot be hypnotized is a misconception. We drift in and out of hypnosis many times during any given day. Examples of this are when you miss out your exit while driving on the highway or lose track of time while watching television.

5) The hypnotherapist has no power and cannot control you in any way. The hypnotherapist is merely your guide like a ASherpa@, who guides you up a mountain. You are the one doing the climbing. Many stage hypnotists want the public to believe that they hold great power. You do have to remember that stage shows are done with VOLUNTEERS. Buttom-line : No hypnotist, no matter how great can have another person do anything that is immoral, illegal or Afattening@ in hypnosis.

6) Hypnosis is not a truth serum. A liar is a better liar in hypnosis. This is the reason why hypnosis is NEVER accepted in court as verifiable proof. On the other hand though, the human mind registers every piece of data presented to it and can recall it in hypnosis. For example, a person can be brought into hypnosis (voluntarily) and recall a license plate number - and then use this evidence as a starting point for a police investigation.

7) The power of hypnosis is limitless. It is as vast as the human imagination. Most very successful people have succeeded because they imagined and saw themselves as being successful. Successful athletes call " being in the zone " that very focused and powerful state they go into when achieving top performances. This state is nothing else than hypnosis of course!

8) You can change your internal programming in hypnosis because it addresses your subconscious mind (your hard disk). Therefore, if your childhood has been tinted with negative programming such as: "You are a burden, you are not loved, you are not wanted, etc", you might have acted accordingly to that belief from the beginning. You now have the power to turn this around and become the successful, accomplished, loved and loving person you deserve and want to be.

9) A willing person can achieve a perfect, natural anesthesia of his/her body with the help of hypnosis. There are numerous films of people going through major surgeries and natural childbirth with minimal or no discomfort at all - with only hypnosis as the sole anesthesia. The comfortable level of anesthesia learned and achieved by my patients in self-hypnosis programs happen too often to be considered pure luck.

10) You cannot Alose@ hypnosis. It is a natural and easy way of life. With the help of hypnosis, you can achieve almost anything you want. I often compare hypnosis with love: a pleasant, natural state of mind that helps us become the person we aspire to be. Not unlike love, one cannot lose hypnosis. It is always present for us to grab and use.

In Conclusion : I have opened a gateway for you today. It is normal that some fear and skepticism remains. For example, Franz Anton Mesmer was brought before a committee who was commissioned to determine if hypnosis was an existing phenomenon. Their conclusion would decide if Mesmer was really having an impact in all those people who claimed they were transformed by his hypnotic interventions.

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motherherbivore · 5 years

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meet me [the business/ticker]

They have an arrangement.

Explicit, 2k words

On AO3

(fortuna spoilers, trans woman ticker, non-gratifying sex)

Ticker came to see him around mid-morning, after the first wave of Tenno had come and gone, early-starters eager to get to work on the Vallis. A few of them lingered, but they were working on kitguns or K-drives, and the Business had more than enough time to see to some of his patients. He was cleaning a partially-healed gash on the leg of a Delicate pobber when Ticker ambled down from her shop to his.

“Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” she said. The Business shook his head.

“Of course not. Just some routine care,” he said. “Look at this—she’s been here a day, and she’s already in the last stages of healing. An hour with an Oberon really works miracles on these animals.” He stroked the pobber’s head gently. It was not comforted, and tried to bite his finger.

“Cute,” Ticker mused. Then, “Got time for a quickie, Busy? It’s been a while.”

It had been a while, indeed—they'd both been so preoccupied since the Tenno came. It took a moment for the Business to wrap his head around the idea again. He carefully tightened his grip on the pobber as it tried to wriggle out of his hands.

“Once I finish with our little friend here,” he said, fishing a roll of gauze out of his kit. “Shouldn’t be long.”

“Okay, darling. Will you need a stiffer?”

The Business thought for a moment, then shook his head. “Not if you don’t mind taking the extra few minutes to do it by hand.”

“I don’t mind.” Ticker paused to let a virmink sniff her hand, but it didn’t want to be petted. She straightened up and put her hands in her pockets. “Ten minutes?”

“Make it fifteen,” said the Business, as the pobber squirmed and bit at the bandage he was trying to put on its leg, tearing the gauze.

“Maintenance corridor seven,” Ticker said, and walked away. The Business watched her go, then slowly returned his attention to the pobber.

They’d had the arrangement for years, ever since her husband had come back from the shelves a stranger. The Taxmen had already dissolved the marriage—official records showed them as divorced. Ticker never signed anything, never even knew about it until two years after the fact. It didn’t matter, she’d said. Wouldn’t help anything to argue.

He'd known her before the repo, donated more than his fair share of food and parts to her afterwards. It was Solaris tradition for neighbors and friends to take care of a full-repo's family for the first week, but the Business kept on giving long after that week had passed. Ticker started asking him to stay and talk for a while when he made his deliveries, and they were friends then. As the years went on, he stayed later and later, and sometimes, something would come of those late nights. They'd stop when Ticker had a relationship, but things would inevitably resume between them when a new love ended.

“Doesn't it bother you that you're just her rebound man?” Little Duck asked once.

“Ticker is a dear friend,” the Business replied. “I'm glad to be there for her.” Privately, he thought he was too old for her to take seriously, too damaged by a past he couldn't tell her about. He was perfectly content with a steady friendship and the occasional nighttime visit or operating-hours tryst in an empty maintenance corridor.

Corridor 7 was the least used—nothing important was rooted there, and there were better shortcuts in most of the even-numbered corridors. The Business slipped in unnoticed.

Ticker was sitting on a crate, rig already off and resting next to her, all its cables and tubes unraveled to give her a longer range of motion. Her gloves were off, too, and she had one hand down the front of her pants, idly palming her cock through her thermals as the Business approached. He slowed his pace, just to watch her for a moment—the languid lines of her body, the minute flexes of her arms as she moved. She was utterly relaxed, patiently waiting. Peaceful in a way he hadn’t had the privilege of seeing her in a long time.

She stopped touching herself and stood up when the Business got close enough. “How’s that little pobber?” she asked, reaching for the apron of his rig.

“Sedated, while the medigel works,” said the Business. He disconnected the apron, and Ticker set it aside for him while he undid his belt buckle. He couldn’t remove his entire head-box like she could, so that piece stayed on. “It's a good sign that she's so lively. I’ll release her with the next batch in a few cycles.”

“That’s good,” Ticker said, a little absentmindedly. She pressed herself to him, her groin against his hip, one hand on the small of his back and the other slipping past his belt. The first brush of her fingers against his cock made him tense and tingly at the same time, and for a split second, he wished he had taken the stiffer. But she knew exactly what to do, and made short work of it, rubbing herself against him all the while until they were both nearly peaked.

Then she stepped back, handed him a foil packet of lubricant from her pocket, and leaned over her rig, one forearm braced against the wall. With the other hand she pushed her pants and thermals down her thighs, until the metal seams above her knees were just visible.

“No protection?” the Business asked, as he shoved his pants down to his knees. He kneaded the packet of lubricant between his fingers to warm it a little.

“Forgot it in my other pants’ pockets,” said Ticker. “Just pull out, if you can. I don’t care if you can’t. Worse things have happened.”

“I’ll pull out,” said the Business.

Belatedly, he wondered if he should have done more to prepare her, but with the lubricant he slid in easily, and Ticker gave her cock a long, slow stroke.

“There we go,” she sighed. “Good man.”

“Been having some late nights recently?” the Business asked, his thighs nearly flush against hers before he drew back again.

“Early mornings,” said Ticker. “For the past week. Like my organics suddenly realized how long it’s been since I got any good action. Just been so—” Her breath hitched a little as he thrusted more sharply— “Busy.”

He liked how she said it. He liked how she sounded, and how she moved, he could see the muscles in her biceps flexing and sliding. They weren’t originals, and she barely managed to keep up with the payments, but they were still organic, and so little of her was still organic that she worked like hell to keep the parts that were.

The Business mentally shook himself, trying not to let his thoughts wander too far. He gripped Ticker’s hips, digging his fingers lightly into her skin. Her flesh was synthetically soft, just a little gel-like since she’d gotten it so long ago, before the more natural stuff was affordable. She’d exhausted most of her credits at that point anyway, and for what…

Alright now, old boy, the Business scolded himself. That’s enough of that.

He couldn’t help it. The pleasure of Ticker warm around him faded in and out of the background of his thoughts, thoughts of days past and days to come. Everyone was waiting for Solaris United to move again, but it was hard to follow such a grand revival. Every meeting brought back old memories. Eudico was struggling. The Business worried that too much hope was spreading.

He must have angled himself in a good way then, because Ticker groaned, disrupting his thoughts and bringing him back to the present. Her free hand clenced into a fist and she worked her cock a little faster, loose cables swaying with the motion. Her shirt rode up a little, showing more of her pale skin, and a little bit of the black tattoos on her back. The Business couldn’t resist—he slid his hand up her side, over the warm metal of her cable-ports, over her scars… neat, little lines from Corpus mod surgeries, a ropy keloid where Solaris medics had to fix those mods. There was a patch of burn-roughness from her days on the Vallis.

“Don’t touch that, Busy,” Ticker said. The Business withdrew his hand, putting it back on the crest of her hip.

“Apologies,” he said. Ticker pulled her shirt up farther, exposing her back almost up to her shoulders, so that the Business could see the whole of it.

“You know I don’t mind you looking, darling,” she said, “just don’t touch that one, right?”

Her shoulder blades moved smoothly under her skin as she adjusted her position, and the Business slowed his hips, watching.

“Right,” he said. “I’m sorry, I don’t realize what I’m doing til I’ve done it.”

“S’fine.” Ticker pushed her hips back against him, trying to get some certain angle. “A little faster, would you? I’m getting close—that’s a good man.”

She came quietly, tense and then loose under his hands, her own hand stuttering as she spilled over. The Business stopped moving, then slowly withdrew. Ticker straightened up with another groan.

“Give me just a minute,” she said. She fished a few napkins out of her pockets, and handed the Business two before she set to cleaning herself off, and he wiped the excess lubricant off his cock. The friction didn’t really excite him. Come to think of it, he didn’t feel anywhere close to climax, but he brushed it off. He promised himself he’d pay more attention now.

Ticker pulled her pants back up, snapped the waistband against her hip, then sat down on the crate again and pulled the Business towards her.

He kept waiting for something to happen, for the pleasure to spike out of its plateau and work its way to orgasm, but it just… didn’t. Ticker’s lights blinked silently a few times, but she kept at it. The Business tried to focus, and still nothing.

After ten minutes, the Business gave up. He put a hand on Ticker’s wrist and gently pushed her away.

“Nevermind,” he said. Ticker just stood there for a moment, then wiped her hand on her shirt as the Business pulled his pants back up.

It was quiet for a few minutes while they straightened their clothes and reconnected their rigs. The Business helped Ticker heft her rig back into place and lock the closures, and Ticker held the apron of the Business’s rig while he reattached all the cables and screwed the port connectors back. He still couldn’t afford to upgrade to one of the newer, more compact rig models. No one could.

“Thanks for the favor, Busy,” Ticker said then. She stroked his arm, trailing her fingers down to squeeze his hand. “Sorry I couldn’t do it for you.”

“It’s alright, not your fault. Better than not being able to get it up at all, isn’t it?” The Business readjusted his cables and double-checked the latch on his head-box. His disinterested cock was already soft, like nothing had happened. He didn’t have the energy to feel embarrassed about it. “At least then we didn’t have to stop before we began.”

“Are you feeling okay, though?”

“I’m just fine, Ticker. Don’t worry about me.”

Ticker’s lights blinked, but the Business didn’t hear anything. Then she patted her pockets absentmindedly and said, “Wish I had time for a cigarette. Anyway, you come have supper with me and the old man tonight, yeah darling?”

“I’ll try,” said the Business. “I’ve got nine Tenno on the Vallis today—no way of knowing what they’ll bring me.”

“Fair enough,” said Ticker. “Well, either way, think I could come and keep you company again tonight?”

“You're always welcome in my hab.”

She gave his head-box an affectionate pat, then gathered up the napkins they'd used, and left. The Business stayed there for a few minutes longer before he slipped out of the corridor and went back to work.

#t #warframe #i already had 5000 ideas for fic and then ticker's mem fragments gave me eVEN MORE

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