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#I just don’t wanna feel unlovable
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I need a hug.
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boyghcst · 8 months
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it feels mean when u realise tht certain ppl just aren’t adding anything positive to ur life, n tht they just make u feel anxious, on edge, confused and under appreciated… but i feel like im starting to listen to my gut to whose presence makes me feel safe, heard, loved and appreciated
#i don’t rlly wanna be friends w ppl who make me feel needy and annoying and unloved#not saying tht i should rely on others to make me feel happy or whatever#but there are ppl in my life where i don’t feel this uncertainty and discomfort#one of the friends deeply hurt my feelings and I cut them out for a while and then we became ‘friends’ again#bc i did miss having them in my life and it was v intense#but i also feel like im not rlly interested in being close w them anymore#like tht hurt never went away#n now i don’t rlly feel like i rlly care abt them tbh#despite the fact we’re supposed to be friends#i think i lost respect and compassion for them lol i don’t view them the same way as i used to#and the other friend were not close to begin w they’re friends w the friend i fell out w#but they make me feel anxious and don’t seem interested in acc being friends w me#but message my friend tht i introduced to them a lot so idk#they kinda give fake energy tbh and i don’t rlly feel comfortable being around them#which is fine bc we don’t hang out anyway lmao#but sometimes they’ll pop up on stories ive posted#n i feel like i just gotta fake it#i cba communicating it bc it always leads to conflict#so im probs just gonna let it drift#i do feel like i have a habit of wanting to cut friends out tho#bc i feel 50/50 w ppl a lot#some ppl i feel a safe connection w#others leave me feeling confused and on edge#so i think my gut is tryna tell me tht im just not comfortable#and when i spoke to a therapist ages ago abt this they told me to listen to my gut and be wary of who I’m friends w#but bc i also have abandonment issues etc I never know whether I’m being too sensitive and my trauma is driving the wheel#or whether deep down this is how i feel#it’s hard to trust ur gut when ur traumatised bc it can be rlly wrong#journal
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neuropteran · 1 year
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i think if someone cooked me heart shaped ravioli bc they loved me that would cure me. a house and a sunlit window and someone who just rlly wanted to look after me
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mymelodyisme · 9 months
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Hi… it’s really hard hitting longing hours.
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coolestfinch · 1 year
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There Is Something Wrong With Me
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milf-propaganda · 2 years
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<3
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loveofastarvingdog · 2 years
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radfems and terfs are often people who go to extremes when hating on christianity and talking about the abuses that christians have committed, and use that as reason to believe what they do. but living through being raised a queer christian who experienced all the bigotry that came with that (while still being closeted) and the subsequent lack of community i’ve experienced so acutely was actually the reason i ended up rejecting the radfem/exclusionist mindset
#i had a LOT to work through when i started exploring the queer community and pretty much all of it stemmed from my upbringing in the church#and THAT (the things i needed to work through) was what originally had me falling for a few of the exclusionist’s beliefs#because it had the appearance of rebelling against everything that hurt me from the church while still having the familiarity of strict and#hostile rules about who belongs#but ultimately the thing that lead me to reject certain traditional and hateful rhetoric from the church was the same thing that let me work#through and reject the same mindset and beliefs from radfems/exclus.#fundamentally the issue i had growing up in the church was feeling unloved (this injustice magnified by the fact that God is supposed to BE#love) so why on EARTH would i stay in a place that was not loving? who are you harming and why do you think you can justify it????#anyways it’s just. i want to be loving because i did not feel like i could be loved or like i DESERVED to be loved because of how the church#treated people like me even when it was in direct contradiction to what they were supposed to believe and act#so my main motivation has become seeking to 1. allow myself to love others and 2. show that love to others esp the people who never got it#and i don’t wanna be like holier than thou i’m so full of love etc etc i just genuinely want to give that community to other people because#people desperately NEED community and i’ve seen and experienced firsthand how the lack of community hurts people#so yeah. makes no sense to base a belief in so-called ‘caring for other people’ when you actively exclude and harm so many people#been there before babes and it sucked so. yeah#timothy's txts.#tw christianity#ask to tag#radical inclusivity#anyways that’s not even TOUCHING on the complicated relationship i still have with my faith but yeah <3#i think i was able to articulate it better than the first post
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praytriarchy · 2 months
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growing up queer in the Philippines… man, it really really hurt
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archivvve-xp · 1 year
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Rly need a hug rn.
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i love using this app as my diary <3 i don’t need to go get anything i can just spill my secrets here and hope no one sees them <3
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friedroses · 1 year
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#you guys ever just get that random urge to burst into tears over something very small#i felt stupid bc I asked a friend in a different timezone if they wanted to talk on the phone when it was like midnight there#they said they couldn’t sleep so my ass was like oh do u wanna talk then#as if that’s not the opposite of what they’re trying to do#and they very nicely in the most polite and lovely way declined bc they have work in the morning#and were very sweet about it#and i’m not upset with them at all but i just got so upset with myself#like i felt stupid and selfish to ask because i know it’s really me that wants the company and it feels like i can’t talk to anyone anymore#every friend reaches a point where they get tired of me and can’t handle it anymore so they leave#and i understand! i’m a lot. even for myself#and i don’t know how to stop being unlikeable and unloveable and just shut the fuck up for oncr becsusr i always a say too much#i can never leave well enough alone#and i cry so easily now it’s annoying#even my family members have all gotten sick of me#my mom started screaming at me the other day and basically told me that I’m annoying and she dislikes me#and i couldn’t even acknowledge her for 3 days not bc i was trying to be petty but bc i could not handle seeing her#without thinking about what she said#and she’s still fucking pissed at me for the original conversation where I was asking if we could divide the cleaning in the house equally#or at least more equally. bc everything gets so messy and cluttered and it stresses me out so much#and i feel like i’m the only one cleaning up after 3 other adults who don’t give any consideration to leaving shit everywhere#and she basically told me to shut tf up and stop trying to act like i’m her parent#as if she didn’t parentify the fuck out of me as a child and use me as a therapist and tell me to be the bigger person every time my older#sister did something fucked up to me#and she- my mom- is being hella passive aggressive now and the vibes are just so toxic i feel like i can’t breathe ar home#like i just want to sleep i don’t want to be home or even conscious#i’m so tired of making myself as tiny as I can and still being made to feel like i take up too much space#emotionally and physically#i just want it to be over#and i want to tell someone but i don’t want to burden anyone or talk too much bc it’s all negative and i don’t want them to get tired of me#i finally made some friends through school and it’s fun to be in a group of people again but i’m so scared i’m going to ruin it
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boyghcst · 1 year
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god i don’t wanna be here i don’t wanna exist
#i hate myself so much#I’m sick of myself and sick of this world#i got upset at Lexi bc they said they didn’t wanna hang lol like i just shutdown n went quiet even tho they drove to take me to the shops#bc I’m ill#like I’m tired of always getting hurt I’m so damn sensitive all the time#like idk i guess i just thought they were gonna stay at mine for a while like we usually do#n instead they just wanted to go home#which is obv fine like they can do whatever they want but im sick of getting upset over this stuff#n i always feel horrible and guilty when i get triggered whether it’s shutting down or passive aggressiveness#or having a meltdown over stuff idk i just feel so emotionally childish n even when i know it’s wrong to feel tht way it still happens#i just wish i knew how to be better and stop being like this#n my therapists just keep telling me well it’s okay and normal to feel this way because I’ve been thru bad experiences before n thts why#i feel abandoned and unloved#but it’s like I’m 24 i shouldn’t be so emotionally all over the place and get triggered all the time like i can’t function bc of this#n i end up just acting in ways i don’t like like if someone was acting this way w me id be exhausted I’m not surprised I’ve been called#exhausting and too sensitive and negative and immature bc i am n hell if u don’t like me dw i hate myself more ive literally been trying#to get better and it’s going nowhere i think i just gotta end myself fr#journal
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sensitivegoblin · 1 year
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motheyes · 1 year
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i think it’s because i’m so like. i’m so physically starved
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thedevilspearl · 11 months
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asking them stupid questions — all brothers
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a/n: having a hard time writing smut atm so here’s some silly headcanons with the brothers. i was really tired when i proofread this so there may be some mistakes.
tags: 2k words, no gender specified, reader x lucifer, mammon, leviathan, satan, asmodeus, beelzebub + belphegor. (belphie’s is a little suggestive).
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𝐋𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐅𝐄𝐑
lucifer has had enough.
it’s been a long day and he wished for a quiet night in his office to relax with some tea while overlooking the bills his brothers have riled up.
but he’s quite distracted tonight.
peace and quiet is not an option. especially with you loitering, floating around his office and touching all the trinkets and décor. you’ve never shown interest in them before, but tonight, all of a sudden lucifer’s office is the most inviting place in the world.
“mc?”
“yes, honey?”
“is something the matter.”
there is a painstakingly long silence before you answer. “….no.”
letting out a little sigh, he asks, “are you quite sure?”
you hum with a subtle nod, barely looking him in the eye and he is now certain something is wrong.
“mc, please. if you aren’t feeling well, you can tell me about it. you don’t need to make this difficu—”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?”
“what?” lucifer’s voice croaks.
“it’s just that i felt sad thinking about how you might not love me anymore if one day i turned into a worm and couldn’t turn back into me.”
“mc, in what world would you ever turn into a worm?”
“most likely this one. remember that time mammon accidentally turned me into a sheep in spells class? i was cute as a sheep, so it was okay. but as a worm, i’d be small and slimy and gross. i’d be unloveable.”
“that is enough,” he rises from his chair, speaking with command but still gentle enough to not upset you further. “you shouldn’t think of such things. it is so silly of you to think i would ever stop loving you.”
“luci….”
“if i must spell it out for you, then yes. i would still love you if you were a worm and i would carry you everywhere with me to ensure you’re never lost or hurt. i would need something small and protective to carry you in, but yes. i will always love you.”
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𝐌𝐀𝐌𝐌𝐎𝐍
“if there was a zombie apocalypse and i was bitten, what would you do?”
“hah?!” mammon’s face contorts at your random question. “what are ya talking about?”
“i’ve been thinking about that movie we watched….the zombie one. and just wondered what it would be like.”
“gave up on surviving already, did ya?” he chuckles, collapsing onto his bed beside you, his hand resting on your waist.
“no, but i wanna know! what would you do if i turned into a zombie?”
“well….what are the options?” his smirk earns him a playful smack on the chest. “hey! i’m serious. i’ll be so sad that i won’t be able to think straight, so ya need to give me some options.”
“fine,” you pout, scratching your brain for solutions. “i suppose the most humane thing to do would be to kill me. you know, to make sure i’m not forced to live as a mindless zombie eating other humans.”
“okay….”
“or you could tie me up, maybe chain me, and keep me alive by feeding me living people.”
“why would i keep ya around if you’re gonna stink like a rotting corpse?”
while mammon laughs, your brows furrow with annoyance, mostly feigned but there’s a small sense of hurt in there when you think about mammon not wanting to keep you after you turn into a zombie, despite it being completely logical and reasonable.
“hey,” his voice is soft as he leans over and kisses your cheek, “don’t worry. i’d handcuff us together and let you bite me. then we can be zombies together and never be separated.”
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𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐍
movie night always means one thing, and that’s you and levi curling up with tangled limbs and a hoard of cushions and blankets. a joint blanket burrito with little space between you but that’s a good thing.
the closeness makes it cosier.
tonight, you opted for a more emotional movie. a romance, but romances are always emotional for both of you. that’s why you try your best to stay away from the romantic movies and stick to action packed fantasies or sci-fi’s that are the furthest thing from romance.
but there was a new and popular movie making the headlines and levi couldn’t wait to watch it. you knew watching it was a lost hope, and now you’re sobbing in levi’s arms watching the struggles the love interests are going through to get to each other.
“i’m so glad it wasn’t that difficult for us to be together,” you sniffle, feeling a wave of gratitude take over. “i love you, levi.”
“i love you, too,” his voice trembles and he quietly wipes his own tears.
“hey, levi?”
“what is it?”
“can i wipe my nose on you?”
“what? no!”
too late. you buried your head into his chest, wiping your face clean and covering his favourite shirt in snot.
“gross!”
“i’m sorry. i wanted to get a tissue but they’re too far away. i didn’t want to leave the burrito.”
“it’s fine,” he grumbles, begrudgingly patting you on the head to tell you it’s okay despite ruining his shirt. “let’s finish the movie.”
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𝐒𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐍
“would you still love me if i told you the truth?”
satan tries to hide his piqued interest, like he usually does. he likes to come off as the too–cool–to–show–i–care kind of guy but the truth is, he is more invested in this truth than anything else.
he nonchalantly turns the page of his book and with a swipe of his tongue over his lips, he asks, “what truth?”
“that i’m really a lizard.”
well, he wasn’t expecting that.
he watches you intently over the pages of his book. you stop pacing around the library and make your way to him, showing no expression on your face. usually, he would be quite good at reading your face but in all honesty, he can’t tell if you’re serious or not.”
“a lizard?”
you nod. “a lizard.”
“you don’t look like a lizard.”
“that’s because i’m a lizard pretending to be a human.”
“a what now?” he shuts his book, sitting upright from his laid position. he tried his hardest not to give in to your silly but mysterious notion but he is far more interested in your explanation.
“you know about the lizard people, right?”
“i do not.”
“so i just exposed myself for nothing?”
“what in the devildom are you talking about?”
“it doesn’t matter. forget i said anything. if anyone finds out i told you, i could get killed.”
“please tell me that isn’t true.”
silence.
you refuse to even look him in the eye. surely, you are joking. there’s no way you’re really a lizard, let alone it be possible for lizards to be secretly living inside of humans. what kind of conspiracy would that be?
it’s unimaginable, even for demons. but whether the lizard thing is true or he’s falling for a joke, you still need an answer to your question.
“yes,” he pulls you into his side. “i would still love you if you were really a lizard.”
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𝐀𝐒𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐔𝐒
“asmo,” you sing the demon of lust’s name, catching the attention that he would devote to you at any given moment. “can i ask you something?”
“go ahead, my dearest. fire away.”
he winks, hoping it would be something on the more flirtatious side, but instead you fill his mind with a grotesque image.
“what would you do if you could never touch me again?”
he immediately smothers you with a hug. “what are you talking about?! of course, that would never happen!”
“but what if?” you snuggle into him further. “what if you could never touch me?”
he hums, thinking of any solution to be able to touch you again.
“i’d cry,” he says simply. “i’d cry a lot.”
“aww,” you pout. “i don’t want you to cry.”
“and i don’t want to imagine a world where i can’t hold you like this,” he kisses your lips, “where i can’t kiss you like this,” he lifts up your hand and intertwines your fingers with his, “where i can’t hold your hand like this.”
“asmo….”
“i don’t know what would ever cause me to never be able to touch you again, but it would be the end of my world if it came true. i don’t know if i’d be able to live.”
“you’d still be able to see me and speak to me.”
“but not being able to touch you when i see you and hear you is the most painful torture imaginable. but you know what that means, right?”
“what does it mean?” you squeal and his hands tickle your sides.
“it means i need to do all the touching i can now to make up for it!”
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𝐁𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐙𝐄𝐁𝐔𝐁
“hey, beel?”
“yeah?”
your quiet voices fill the dark path home from rad. beel always walks you home; be it in comfortable silence or deep conversations, you don’t imagine walking home any other way.
and the quiet air of the evening provides the perfect chance to ask him a question you’ve been waiting to ask all day.
“can i ask you something?”
“sure.”
“if i had five million cheeseburgers and you could only eat them if you slapped me in the face, what wou—”
“i’d slap you in the face.”
“i didn’t even finish my question.” you yelp, brows furrowing in frustration.
“you don’t need to finish it. i’d do anything to eat that many cheeseburgers.”
your feet plant in the ground and beel doesn’t stop walking until your hand which holds his pulls him back.
“are you serious?”
“uhmm….i think so?”
you’re grateful for the fact that he’s rethinking his answer but it was a shock to hear him say he’d slap you so firmly in the beginning. it was a stupid question to ask in the first place, but you never imagined beel ever wanting to hurt you.
he tugs on your hand and you continue walking with him, picking up the pace to get home.
“mc….” he asks. “did i say something wrong?”
his obliviousness to his own words is a harder slap in the face than the slap he promised those five million burgers.
“you said you’d slap me, beel, and it makes me sad.”
“hm….we can go halfsies on the burgers?”
“huh?”
“i’ll slap you and then we can share the burgers.” he promises. “you’d feel bad because i slapped you. and i’d feel bad because i slapped you. so to make it better for both of us, we can split the cheeseburgers.”
you look at him, astounded because you don’t know if his explanation makes his answer better or worse.
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𝐁𝐄𝐋𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐆𝐎𝐑
a cuddling session in the attic with belphegor is exactly what you needed after a long, draining day. you naturally made your way up to him as soon as you had some free time, desperate for his warmth.
but belphie had a different warmth in mind with all the kisses he litters up and down your neck.
“belphie, i’m tired.” you whine, but still urge him on to kiss you harder.
“then close your eyes. i’ll kiss you until you fall asleep.”
your heart swarms with the thrill of his words, the promise of being here and showering you with affection even on your worst days.
“is something wrong?” he asks.
“no. why?”
“you’re not falling asleep.”
“that’s because you’re kisses are keeping me awake.”
“they’re meant to help you fall asleep.”
“i hate to break it to you belphie, but they’re having the opposite effect.” you tease.
“is that so?” he nibbles you ear. “what about this?”
you arch into his body, sensitive from his kisses and now the more urgent movements of his lips ignite a fire in your belly. his lips graze you, teeth nip you and tongue swipe over your skin. he sucks hard enough to leave bruises, and kisses softly on every mark he leaves.
“belphie….” the soft whisper of his name catches his attention. “how many ghosts do you think are watching us right now?”
he ceases for a moment, then lifts his head from the crook of your neck. “what?”
“what if there’s ghosts watching us right now? and what if they keep watching us while we….you know….?”
“i never thought of that before.”
“it’s weird, right?”
“definitely. let’s never have sex again.”
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heartboudoir · 2 years
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