#like don’t get me wrong I’m not suicidal or want to die ahahaha

[heartboudoir]

..

#man oh man I am not okay #I just can’t find #happiness #LOL #HAHAHA THAT SOUNDS SO SAD #but I’m just sad :(( #idk how good the internet is for me #I just feel so unlovable and just #big sigh #I wanna be loved and held and looked after and feel worthy of like #being alive and finding happiness in things #but I’m just alive with like no reason?? #like don’t get me wrong I’m not suicidal or want to die ahahaha #I’m just living but with no reason #like wake up #go to work #eat and sleep #I just wanna be happy for friends and family that are celebrating things but I just can’t #I can’t I can’t because I can’t even be happy for myself #I feel like I’m gonna go cry in the toilets at work HAHAHAHA #sorry for ranting #tw.sadness #tw.depression

[ieatsuffering]

Triggering fic request: Apprentice actually doesn't take the knowledge that Asra cheated Death very well, and seeks to remedy that. (Methodology and degree of successfulness I'll leave up to you.)

I actually have some personal head canons related to this so I’m gonna love writing this one!

Cw: suicide mention. Mention of death

Summary: Something goes horribly wrong when Asra tries to tell you about the past

It had been about a month since you first woke up. You’ve come so far in that month. You could walk around by your self, feed your self, and you’re vocabulary grew every day. Asra knew you had a long way to go but he was proud of how far you had come. But he was impatient, he wanted you to remember. He wanted you to be able to be your self again. He remembers the first time he tried to tell you, right as you woke up. He’ll never forget the way you screamed in agony as you clutched your head blood running from your eyes and ears.

But it had been a month, you had show a great deal of awareness and intelligence, maybe you just couldn’t comprehend what he was telling you. Maybe it was just too early. At least that’s what he had to tell him self.

You sat at the table working on your reading as Asra was making you both tea in the kitchen. He looked over and saw you’re face twisted in thought. “How’s, The Little Fox, Mc?”

“Asra,” you began looking up at him, “this books for babies”

He let out a little chuckle, “yes its for babies, but baby books are a good place to start learning how to read.”

You signed shutting the book, “why can’t I read books like you?”

Asra took a deep breath contemplating how to answer, “We’ve talked about this you lost your memories.”

“I know, but how? I want to remember, I don’t want to be a baby!” You pout folding you arms over your chest.

After a long moment Asra moved to sit next to you, taking your hands in his he looked deeply into your eyes. “Do you really want to remember?”

“Yes!” You assured him you’re eyes full of excitement.

“Mc, a few years ago during the red plague, you died. I sacrificed half of my heart to bring you back. You were restored but not your memories. I’m sorry I did it because I love you.”

There’s a moment of silence as you looked back at him stunned.

“ha...hahaha...AhahaHahAHAHAHAHAHAHA” there’s a crazed look in your eye as you clutched your head laughing hysterically.

Asra’s blood ran cold, he just watched you with frightened eyes.

“Ahahaha... im dead...” you whispered under you’re breath”... I’M DEAD!”

You screamed clutching you’re head as blood started to drip from your eyes and ears.

“Ah My head!!!” You cried, “Can’t you hear them Asra! The voices they’re so loud!”

“What voices? Mc please...” Asra tried to reach for you but you pushed him away.

“They’re calling me back I can’t be here I have to go back!” You bolted up from your spot and ran to the kitchen.

Asra chased after. He found you in the kitchen holding a carving knife, you looked him dead in the eye.

“Whatsdeadstaysdeadwhatsdeadstaysdeadwhatsdeadstaysdead...” you chant as if in a trance you brought the knife up to your neck.

Asra lunged for you knocking you to the ground and wrestling the knife way from your neck. He sat on top of you his knees pining down your arms. You struggled under his weight.

“My head hurts please let me die Asra! They’re calling me back! The Lazaret’s calling me back!” You begged desprate to get free.

Asra placed his hands over your temple, “it’s going to be ok Mc, I’m gonna make it ok.” He reassured you but also himself as tears streamed down his cheeks. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as magic flowed out of his hands and into your mind. You fell unconscious as the magic washed a way your memories

Asra scooped you up carrying you to bed. Faust peaked out from on of the pillow piles were she had been napping, “ friend ok?” She asked following him to the bed room.

“Ya they’ll be ok Faust,” he assured her placing you gentley on the bed. There he sat with Faust waiting for you to wake up.

When you finally opened your eyes, you looked at him with the same blank unfamiliar gaze you gave him the first time you woke up.

“Good morning Mc, looks like we’re back to square one.”

#the arcana #the arcana asra #the apprentice #the arcana game #the arcana mc #asra x apprentice #asra x mc #asra imagine #the arcana angst #asra angst #asra x reader #asra x you

[mikami]

Death Note Audio Drama 12

Disc 12: Apex Predator - a summary / partial translation

Prior translations / an explanation as to what the fuck this is.

If you read any of these translations, make it this one. 

I can’t even begin to describe what is happening here. You just need to let it happen to you. Major CW for suicide though, Misa’s death is elaborated upon greatly and not in the most sensitive way.

_______

Gevanni confirms there is no shinigami attached to Mikami’s notebook. 

______

MATSUDA: Misa, come down. Don’t be ridiculous, please.

MISA: I’m serious. I’m going to jump.

MATSUDA: You don’t want to do this.

MISA: Do I look like I don’t want to do it? I’m standing on the railing.

MATSUDA: Yes, everyone is seeing it.

MISA: It’s a long way down, Matsuda. What’s with all these lights?

MATSUDA: Police cars holding back the crowd. Ambulances.

MISA:  Ambulances? As if I’ll survive this if I fall.

MATSUDA: Probably not, no.

MISA: Probably? I thought this was at least half-way guaranteed!!

MATSUDA: Get off the railing, Misa. I’m going to tell you a few really scare stories. It makes sense that there’s more than one ambulance waiting down there. Sometimes the mere sight is enough to traumatize some people in the crowd.

MISA: They’re standing there in order to be shocked! Huh?! Hey... is this a TV car?

MATSUDA: Uh... yes.Looks like Sakura TV sent a team.

MISA: I guess it’s going to be prime time for me once more. 

MATSUDA: Jeeze, Misa, you can’t want it to end this way.

MISA: Don’t tell me what I want! 

MATSUDA: How long have we known each other? Five years? You shouldn’t treat your brand this way. This is hardly a fitting death for a pop idol. Are you trying to imitate Marilyn?

MISA: I think it’s gonna be pretty spectacular.

MATSUDA: No, it’s going to be shown on dirty snuff porn pages somewhere in the dark net. You won’t be anything more than a sick joke on social media. The worst example on every teen party. “Let’s watch Misa Amane kick the bucket again,” they’ll say. Do you understand?

MISA: People are already laughing at me anyway. I’m just the little girl who can’t sing nor dance. 

MATSUDA: That’s not who you are! 

MISA: I can’t act and my perfume is rose water with detergent. [laughing shakily] I’m a bad joke!

MATSUDA: Misa, please. Let’s talk about this indoors, alright?

MISA: At least this way I’ll get a bit of an obituary! At least I’ll be a real star for one very last time.

MATSUDA: What are you talking about? You’ll be filed under #realsad and only maybe for a day! After that, people will forget about you.

MISA: Haven’t they already forgotten me? I’ve flunked my whole life! Maybe I’ll at least do a good job at dying, huh?! 

MATSUDA: No! Misa. You have your whole life still ahead of you. Death is the end.

MISA: Ahahaha, is it really?

__________

TITLE MUSIC

___________

LIGHT: Misa? I’m home. How did it go? Misa? Misa? Listen, we need to talk. Are you in...?

Phone rings.

LIGHT: Hello? 

MOGI: Light. Come to Aoyama immediately.

LIGHT: Mogi, I need sleep. It’s been a long day.

MOGI: Misa is standing on the 32nd floor. She says she’ll jump.

LIGHT: Wait, what?!

__________

Aizawa and Near meeting at the bar again. Aizawa tells Near about Misa’s and Takada’s fight. Near is pissed they didn’t record the fight. He’ll really strangle Aizawa one of these days, that’s the impression the voice acting gives.

Near shows Aizawa images of the notebook to show that at least HE is making progress.

__________

RYUK: I should have brought popcorn. This is better than TV.

L: This isn’t funny. 

RYUK: Yeah, but... popcorn.

L: Matsuda isn’t trained for this task.

RYUK: Of course he is. He knows what small talk is, or whatever they call it.

L: She hasn’t jumped yet. There’s still hope.

RYUK: Not here, buddy. She’s gonna fly like she’s jumping off the 10 meter board at the olympics. 

L: A real police psychologist could likely get her off the railing. That’s the first thing you learn in that line of work. If they hesitate, you can stop them, even if they don’t want to believe it yet.

RYUK: Yes... or maybe not.

L: What?

RYUK: You really don’t pay attention, do you? Why do you think she’s standing up there in the first place?

L: Nobody wants to die and nobody forced her to do it.. Uh-oh. Someone wrote her name into a Death Note.

RYUK: Bingo. 

L: But why didn’t she jump yet?

RYUK: Think, think hard.

L: It’s a script. She’s following a script. Whoever made sure she’s up there wants her to do something before she jumps.

RYUK: You really are pretty clever, L. 

L: She’s waiting for something. For someone.

________

Light fights through the police lines to get to Misa, who’s been up there for 90 minutes now.

________

Shower noises. Mikami humming passionately. 

MELLO: Teru Mikami?

MIKAMI: U-uh? Where are you? In the changing rooms?

MELLO: Teru Mikami? I’m here for my reward. 

MIKAMI: I’m not in the mood. Whoever you may be.

MELLO: You may call me Mello. You’re famous from TV, Teru. You must be approached by people all the time. 

MIKAMI: Not necessarily when I’m nude at the gym. Please, sir. A little bit of privacy would be nice.

MELLO: That’s been violated for a while now. 

MIKAMI: Excuse me?

MELLO: The SPK is on your heels. 

MIKAMI: I don’t know what you’re talking about. 

MELLO: I’ve been following the wrong suspect. I’ve been wondering... who watches the watchmen? And then I thought, hey! Maybe I should be doing that.

MIKAMI: You’ve got the wrong man, buddy.

MELLO: Oh, I haven’t been following you. I’ve been following Steve [sic!] from the SPK. He’s been looking through your stuff while you’ve been training.

MIKAMI: Leave me alone, Michael.

MELLO: Ah. You know my real name.

MIKAMI: Leave while you still can.

MELLO: You forgot to ask what I am. Even though you know my real name by merely looking at me. 

MIKAMI: Listen. Whatever you want to talk about. I’ve got a notebook in my locker. I’ll just get it real quick and we can arrange a meeting.

MELLO: A notebook in your locker? What does that sound like? I bet you want to write my name into it.

MIKAMI: I am warning you. 

MELLO: It’s too late for that.

Clicking.

MELLO: You’re coming with me.

MIKAMI: A taser? That’s hardly necessary. 

MELLO: I beg to disagree.

Noises of Mikami getting tased.

_______

LIGHT: Matsuda, get back in. Let me talk to her.

MATSUDA: Look here, Misa. Light came.

MISA: He’s the last person I want to see!

LIGHT: Don’t say that, Misa!

Matsuda goes inside.

MISA: I really mean it!! Stay away!!

LIGHT: Misa. I don’t know what she told you, but it’s not true. 

MISA: Then how do you know it’s not true?

LIGHT: Because else you wouldn’t be standing on the railing. Misa, please!

MISA: I don’t remember h-how I got here. 

LIGHT: You’re scared. You were mislead.

MISA: N-n-no, I mean, I can’t remember anything at all... I don’t know when or where we first met, I don’t remember being with you, it feels as if I just woke up! As a loser! 

LIGHT: You’ve never been a loser, Misa. 

MISA: I’ve been a ridiculous little housewife... who waited for you to come home every single day... 

LIGHT: But that’s what you wanted!

MISA: I wanted you to come home! Not for you to hang out with her!

LIGHT: It’s an investigation, Misa! We’re looking for hints! Ask Matsuda.

MISA: He couldn’t even look me in the eyes. He knows it!

LIGHT: Please come down and we can talk about it. I can explain.

MISA: You can’t. Only he can. 

LIGHT: Who?

MISA: I could have done it. I should have been his spokesperson. 

LIGHT: Alright Misa, look over, here. This used to be my grandmother’s ring. I saved it. For you.

MISA: For me?! 

LIGHT: I told you we’d be together. I meant that!

MISA: I-is this a proposal?

LIGHT: I’m on one knee. Misa. Please take this ring. Say you’ll be mine forever. 

MISA: It’s too late. He’s making me do this!

LIGHT: Nobody is making you do this. Stay with me, forever!

MISA: Well. Forever isn’t quite right, is it?

LIGHT: Well...

MISA: Until death does us part?

LIGHT: I didn’t say--

MISA: No time....

Light: NO! MISA!

Sounds of Misa’s clothes in the wind.

MISA: Loves me... loves me ... loves me... 

And a crack on the pavement.

________

RYUK: And splash. Popstar one moment, pavement pizza in the next.

L: You’re unbelievable.

RYUK: It’s in the name. It’s not a love note, note a sickness note, not a funny penguin note... People die. It’s ugly and tragic. Why are you even here?

L: I shouldn’t have had to watch this.

RYUK: And yet you stayed here. Like all the other onlookers.

L: What will happen to her now?

RYUK: Huh...? What happens? No idea. A shovel? And a high-pressure cleaner?

L: No. What will happen to her?

RYUK: Even if she lost her memory, she’s still a former Death Note owner. That has its price.

L: So she can go to neither heaven nor hell. 

RYUK: Yeah. You know the rules. 

L: Only that there are neither heaven nor hell. 

RYUK: Hmmm, it’s complicated.

L: You said people go to nothingness. But I ended up in some kind of office, in which a demon was looking over my files. He spoke of future options.

RYUK: It’s not my job to explain everything to you.

L: It’d be helpful though.

RYUK: Now don’t tell me you caved and chose option B.

L: And that would have been what...?

RYUK: Not everything is as complicated as you think, L. Of course you can get a bit of payback. Have a bit of fun. It will keep you busy for a few years. But you’ve got eternity in front of you, my boy. You’ve got forever to watch your body mutate in grotesque and disgusting ways. Eventually you’ll start avoiding mirrors, because there are parts poking our or coming off. 

L: Yeah, of course. I bet you were a beauty before... all of the teeth.

RYUK: I’m trying to help you, okay? I’m just telling you this job is boring. Every life you take elongates your own. And you won’t stop extending it because you own a Death Note. And that means you’ll neither go to heaven nor hell. 

L: So what happens when a shinigami dies?

RYUK: No idea. What if everything just gets worse? What if this is the best its gonna get?

L laughs.

RYUK: What’s so funny?

L: You’re scared. You don’t know what comes after the afterlife. And you’re no less scared of it than an ordinary human. 

_________

Near sees a report about Misa’s suicide on the bar TV. Matsuda tells the TV that someone forced her into suicide. And then he instantly regrets saying that much. The media now suspect Misa is a Kira-victim.

Gevanni has Mikami’s notebook, so they know Mikami can’t be the killer.

________

Takada is in the wardrobe as Light calls her.

LIGHT: Do you want to explain to me what just happened?

TAKADA: Little present for you. Spring cleaning, so to say.

LIGHT: You wrote her name!

TAKADA: You left the empty pages to me for a reason, right? I put them to good use.

LIGHT: That would be my choice!

TAKADA: She was a weak point and you know it.

LIGHT: You killed her!

TAKADA: Oh darling... Think about it. In all your playboy-ness you didn’t even notice she was only in the way anymore. You didn’t notice it was time to let go.

LIGHT: Let go? That means to toss her off a skyscraper?!

TAKADA: Comes down to the same thing.

LIGHT: Not to me. And especially not to her.

TAKADA: Her amnesia nearly drove her crazy. She knew there were holes in her memories. She was starting to piece things together.... or at least a dangerously large part of them. 

LIGHT: That isn’t your decision. 

TAKADA: I just did decide it.

LIGHT: That’s not how it was supposed to go.

TAKADA: I’m changing the rules. 

LIGHT: Goodbye, Kiyomi.

He hangs up.

TAKADA: Light? Light?? This guy! I think he just broke up!

________

Lidner informs Near of this call. She guesses it was Light on the other end. From the call they confirm they were talking about Misa and her former Kira II status.

________

Takada shows up at a gas station in her pajamas. She’s looking to buy gasoline. 

________

Near and the SPK agree on Mikami being X-Kira, and Light being Kira. They want to catch Mikami first.

________

MELLO: You’re finally awake.

MIKAMI: Where the hell---

MELLO: Don’t panic. This isn’t a real hell. The good thing about this type of hotel is that they’re discreet and don’t ask questions when two men get here past midnight.

MIKAMI: You didn’t need to tie me up.

MELLO: I’d rather prefer you not being able to do anything with your hands. So I have to tie them up or cut them off. Your choice.

MIKAMI: You have nothing to fear from me. Hey, leave my suitcase alone.

MELLO: Where is the Death Note? Where is it?

MIKAMI: It was in there! But why isn’t it...?

MELLO: Damn it. So Gevanni took it.

MIKAMI: Who?

MELLO: The SPK got your little book. Let’s not waste any time, Teru. I know what you do and who you work for. And you know my real name, so I can conclude you’ve got the eyes. 

MIKAMI: I understand. 

MELLO: Yeah, you do, don’t you?

MIKAMI: Excuse me?

MELLO: You’ve got the eyes. So you can tell me Near’s real name. 

MIKAMI: If I see him, yes...

MELLO: Hm. I want the book. Near wants you. Light wants me, and you, and the book. 

MIKAMI: Sounds complicated.

MELLO: Looks like it’s time for a meet-up. 

MIKAMI: What are you looking for?

MELLO: I hoped that somewhere around here... Ah, there. Look at that! This is going to be very professional.

MIKAMI: You don’t have to gag me.

MELLO: Oh but I do, Teru. Because I have to leave you alone for a few hours, while I arrange a few things.  

MIKAMI: There really is no reason--!!

MELLO: Hold still!

________

Takada humming. Liquid pouring noises. A phone rings.

MANAGER: Where were you, Kiyomi? You know the producer hates sausage parties.

TAKADA: Sorry.... It won’t happen again....

MANAGER: Are you sure?

TAKADA: Because I will be dead in around three minutes....

MANAGER: What?? Are you messing with me??

TAKADA: I wish that was the case, but I already poured gasoline over my whole apartment and I am about to set it on fire.

MANAGER: That’s a joke.

TAKADA: Not really, no. I don’t actually want to do this, you see? I would actually love it if you sent someone here to stop me.

MANAGER: I don’t get this. Why don’t you just stop on your own?

TAKADA: I’m really scared, I’m actually panicking, but I’m doing this as if I was just watching myself...

MANAGER: Kiyomi? Kiyomi!

TAKADA: I get how they all must have felt, now. All those faced with their own death. Many must have guessed it, had the epiphany that those where the last moments of their life... and that they were following a script they can’t change anymore... Oh. Sounds like the bucket is empty. I’m quite sad. And I feel guilty because of the people living in the apartment above mine. Farewell. I wish this wasn’t happening right now. He’s forcing me....

Fire noises. Screams.

________

MATSUDA: Thank you for coming, Sayu.

SAYU: No problem, Matsuda. I know how much it hurts you.

MATSUDA: How is your mother?

SAYU: Not very well. How about you?

MATSUDA: I thought I had her. I thought I had talked Misa into coming back down. 

SAYU: If it really was Kira, you know she’d have jumped no matter what once Light appeared. There was nothing you could have done. 

MATSUDA: She didn’t do anything to anyone... She wasn’t a threat to anyone.

SAYU: Except for the woman Light was seeing behind her back. 

MATSUDA: He asked her to marry him. He had his grandmother’s ring on him and he proposed to her with it.

SAYU: Jesus!

MATSUDA: What?

SAYU: He may be my big brother, but he can be such an asshole! 

MATSUDA: I don’t follow...?

SAYU: This is grandma’s ring, Matsuda! I’m wearing it as a necklace until the day someone asks me that question. 

MATSUDA: But he had a....

SAYU: ... plain? White gold? A bit bulky? 

MATSUDA: Yeah...

SAYU: That was father’s, Matsuda. It was given to Light via the will. 

MATSUDA: Oh. That means... he... 

SAYU: Yeah. He lied to her, played an act for her... Same boy who’s always driven everyone crazy! 

MATSUDA: I always thought they were the perfect couple. The thing with Kiyomi really surprised me. 

SAYU: He always kept that woman a secret. I remember him meeting Misa for the first time. 

MATSUDA: What happened then?

SAYU: Well, it was somehow like... like she was his stalker. She just showed up at our house one night. He told us not to tell dad. Under no circumstances was dad allowed to know. 

MATSUDA: Why should he have kept a girlfriend secret from the chief inspector?

SAYU: Uhh... ‘cause she... was famous, yes! The public was supposed to believe she’s still single. You know, for her image. 

MATSUDA: So what? What does that have to do with the head of police?

SAYU: Okaaay... if you put it this way, it is weird.

_________

Funeral music. 

L: I doubt this is how Misa pictured her funeral. 

RYUK: L. Could you stop following me around?

L: What are you gonna do about it? Kill me?

RYUK: Yeah, right.

L: Are we really the only ones?

RYUK: I’m sure there’s still someone coming.

L: Because I don’t think the priest will make his sermon in front of an empty chapel. He won’t be able to see us.

RYUK: Misa didn’t exactly have many friends. She was an only child. Her parents are dead.

L: Right, but what about her fans?

RYUK: Five years ago maybe. Memory is short. Also Kiyomi Takada is getting buried at the other end of town, right now. 

L: Oh, that gotta hurt.

LIGHT: Who are you talking to Ryuk?

RYUK: Oh, nobody. Nothing. I was starting to wonder if you’d come.

LIGHT: I thought I should at least say goodbye. 

RYUK: Guess that’s correct.

LIGHT: Are we really the only ones?

RYUK: Yep.

LIGHT: I remember that almost nobody came to my grandma’s funeral as well. I thought that was sad, but she simply outlived all of her friends. 

RYUK: Still sad.

LIGHT: The present is the bane of the dead.

RYUK: How pretty. Is that Nietzsche?

LIGHT: Hertzfeldt.

PRIEST: You’re here for the burial at 3pm? Misa Wateri?

LIGHT: Misa Amane.

PRIEST: I’m sorry, the name was hard to read. Is it really only you, sir? I thought I heard you talking to somebody.

RYUK: Just him and his invisible friends.

LIGHT: Yes, only me.

PRIEST: Normally, son, I’d ask someone to say a few words to the mourning guests... but... you are the mourning guests.

LIGHT: It’s fine. I already said goodbye.

PRIEST: Then, shall we start?

LIGHT: Please.

_________

MELLO: A playground, Near. Are you here to play on the swings a little?

NEAR: Mello. I was just about to leave.

MELLO: No, you weren’t. Sit down. I am assuming you’ve got a bug on you and that your lackeys are somewhere around here with sniper guns. 

NEAR: You should be correct there.

MELLO: But the police doesn’t know. 

NEAR: I could have called them. You’re wanted for kidnapping and being an accessory to murder. The execution of Light’s father.

MELLO: But you didn’t do it, because you need me. I’ve got Teru Mikami.

NEAR: Alright. Good work. I need you, Mello. You’ve got the trump cards.

MELLO: Just admit it, Near. I am faster than you. I am better. I didn’t have all the data and I didn’t have backup, and yet I’ve got Kira.

NEAR: You’re right. 

MELLO: You’re acting as if you were the great hunter. But I am the apex predator here.

NEAR: I already said you’re right, okay? You’re L’s worthy successor.

MELLO: Just about time.

NEAR: Only, you didn’t catch Kira. You caught his lackey. The real Kira, the original, is still out there. And neither of us will catch him - not without the cooperation of those working for him.

MELLO: Their numbers are dwindling, it seems. I saw Kiyomi Takada went up in flames.

NEAR: That wasn’t Mikami. Whoever wrote her name, they didn’t write it in Mikami’s book.

MELLO: And you know that... how?

NEAR: Because I’ve got his Death Note.

MELLO: You’ve got a Death Note. Obviously there is still another one around. And I suspect Light Yagami has it.

NEAR: A Death Note. Or a page from one. Or a hidden snippet. I don’t know. But he can still kill people.

MELLO: So why not us? We both opposed him face to face.

NEAR: He doesn’t know our names. He doesn’t have that special bonus, the eye thing.

MELLO: Mikami got it. 

NEAR: So all Yagami needs is Mikami and us in one room. Then he can kill us all.

MELLO: So we need to make sure that doesn’t happen.

NEAR: No, we need to make sure exactly that happens. The perfect trap.

________

The priest is reading an awkward sermon for Misa. Still Christian........ Ryuk keeps interrupting and Light is annoyed. This sequence is like. really long. It includes a full fucking psalm reading.

________

Near presents his evidence to Aizawa. Aizawa is not happy about the unlawful way of obtaining the evidence. Near suggests a meeting with Light, Mello and him.

________

Mello calls Matsuda. He proposes an exchange.

_______

RYUK: So here is where it will end.

L: I like the symmetry. This university campus is where Light and I first met.

RYUK: On the children’s playground?

L: No, in the--

RYUK: I’m just kidding, L. I was there. You really got to him. 

L: Tonight it doesn’t look like it.

RYUK: No, tonight is the night. Whoever leaves this campus alive has won.

L: Do you bet, Ryuk?

RYUK: In a certain way, I can’t lose with any variation. 

L: I’ll believe that, yes. This is Light’s chance to get rid of pretty much everyone who is still a danger to him.

RYUK: And Mello’s chance to finally leave Near in the dust.

L: And Near’s chance to prove he’s my rightful successor. Three ways lead here, three directions, three outcomes.

RYUK: I like it. The cherry trees provide a lot of cover. Nobody will be able to sneak in. And really, who goes to a playground at night?

L: The roof over there is within sniper range. 

RYUK: Yes, and I think everyone is aware of that fact.

__________

AIZAWA: Aizawa, Tokyo police.

LIDNER: Halle Lidner, SPK.

MOGI: My name is Mogi.

AIZAWA: What’s this supposed to be, a marksman’s festival? 

LIDNER: I’m just here to protect my employer’s interest.

AIZAWA: Really? I’m here because everyone could only choose one man as company and Matsuda volunteered first. As always.

MOGI: Do you have a license for this rifle, Miss Lidner?

LIDNER: No, arrest me.

MOGI: Let’s get comfortable and get our scope on the target. Without shooting anyone.

LIDNER: Hah. Good advice.

AIZAWA: I’ve got Mikami in my scope, in case he is planning something.

MOGI: Understood. I’ll take Mello. And... Miss Lidner, who will you target?

LIDNER: None of your business.

_________

Light and Matsuda approach the meeting spot first, Near and Gevanni follow soon after. Aizawa informs Light about this. Lidner informs Near. And then....

LIDNER: Can you confirm that Mello is pulling Mikami by a dog’s leash? And that he’s gagged and tied up?

NEAR: Yeah. Still waters run deep, isn’t that how the saying goes?

_________

MELLO: Just don’t pay attention to him. I’m here for the book.

NEAR: What book? Oh, you mean this one.

MELLO: Give it to me. Then I’ll give you Mikami.

NEAR: Steve, do you have a lighter?

GEVANNI: Here. 

Lighter flicking. Mikami making gagged noises of protest.

MELLO: What are you doing?! NO! 

NEAR: Hands off the weapons or my backup is going to fire.

LIGHT: You’re going to kill us all, you can’t burn the book!

NEAR: Of course I can. Look here.

MATSUDA: No! If you destroy the book all previous owners will die!

NEAR: Well, looks like that isn’t quite right. Surprised, detective Matsuda?

Book burning noises.

MATSUDA: Yeah, a bit...

NEAR: Do you wanna know what else is a lie? The 13 day rule!

LIGHT: You can’t say that with certainty.

NEAR: Oh, I’m pretty sure. If you lock up Mikami here for 13 days, he’ll hardly die. I know what you’re thinking Matsuda. If those two rules are fake, then... boom, your boss doesn’t have an alibi anymore.

LIGHT: Don’t listen to him, Matsuda.

MATSUDA: I... don’t know what to say...

NEAR: Light Yagami was declared innocent five years ago based on two rules that you can’t find in any other Death Note.

LIGHT: You’re grasping at straws. And you can’t prove it, now that you burned the Death Note.

MELLO: I’m out.

NEAR: What?

MELLO: I only came here for the book, which you just burned. Alright, Teru Mikami, you’re free. I suggest you try getting to the trees over there.

Chains unlocking.

NEAR: Don’t unchain him!

MELLO: Too late. Run, Teru! See you!

_________

MOGI: Mikami’s running. What should we do?

AIZAWA: Mello’s running too.

LIGHT: Shoot him, don’t let him get away.

AIZAWA: Shoot? Shoot who?!

LIGHT: Mello! 

NEAR: Shoot Mikami! Don’t let him take out the gag. I repeat, don’t let him remove the gag!

LIDNER: He’s by the trees, I don’t have the shot.

LIGHT: Aizawa, Mogi, disarm the sniper. She can’t shoot Mikami!

And they... follow his orders.....

________

Meanwhile running into the forest, Mikami does get out the gag. He starts shouting.

MIKAMI: Nathaniel Rivers! Near’s name is Nathaniel Rivers! Nathaniel Rivers!!

_______

AIZAWA: What the hell? Why is he calling out Near’s name?

LIDNER: Because Kira is on campus, idiot! Kira is here!

AIZAWA: But we’ve got infrared vision! We know of everyone who’s here!

LIDNER: And one of them is Kira! And now get off me.

MOGI: Shit....

______

LIGHT: So... Mr Rivers, I assume.

NEAR: Steve, focus your weapon on Light Yagami.

GEVANNI: Already on it.

MATSUDA: No, you won’t.

Weapon sound.

NEAR: Put that away, Matsuda! 

MIKAMI (screaming from the background): HIS NAME ISN’T STEVE. HE’S CALLED STEFANO.

GEVANNI: He’s shouting out my name! Do you hear that? That’s meant for Kira!

NEAR: Kira is here on campus! Kira is one of us!

MIKAMI: Michael Keehl! Mello’s name is Michael Keehl!

LIGHT: Keep them on their toes, Matsuda. I’ll go get Mikami.

MATSUDA: Don’t go alone, Light.

LIGHT: I’ve got this.

MIKAMI: Touta Matsuda! Touta Matsuda!!

NEAR: Do you hear this, Matsuda? Mikami is yelling the name of everyone who is here, so Kira can kill us all. 

MATSUDA: You burned the Death Note.

NEAR: Kira still has a page! He’ll write all the names. You have to stop him. And do you hear this? It seems like a name is missing.

MATSUDA: Light isn’t among them... 

NEAR: And why...?

MATSUDA: Oh my god. Oh... no... no... I was so stupid...

NEAR: Halle, please come in, Light Yagami is definitely Kira. Knock him out. Halle, can you hear m---

Heartbeat sound.

GEVANNI: Near!

NEAR: He got me-- kill him... kill him...

MATSUDA: Aizawa. Mogi. Light is the target! I repeat, Light is Kira!

AIZAWA: What? Light?

MOGI: It’s dark. We can’t see him.

MATSUDA: Use infrared!

MOGI: Everyone is just a red blob. You can’t tell who’s who.

LIDNER: It’s too late. Kira is gone and got the real names. We won’t make it down there in time...

GEVANNI: Near is dead. I repeat, Near had a... ugh...

LIDNER: Steve! Come in!

AIZAWA: He also got Gevanni.

MOGI: Now there’s only...

AIZAWA: ...Mello and Matsuda.

LIDNER: And... MIkami.

_______

Mikami still shouting names. Gun clicking.

MELLO: Oh, please shut up.

MIKAMI: You... you shot me...

MELLO: You told Kira my name. 

MIKAMI: It... it hurts...

MELLO: Of course it does. Of course it’s nothing compared to the pain I am feeling. I almost won. I was so close.

MIKAMI: I’m... dying...

MELLO: We’re all gonna die, Teru.

LIGHT: Some of us sooner than others.

MELLO: Light!

LIGHT: It’s over. I had to write really small but I thought it was a nice little idea. I’ve got a little opening in my watch in which I am carrying a small piece of the Death Note. Large enough for maybe half a dozen names.

MELLO: Ugh... ugh... Light....

LIGHT: And that’s the typical heart attack. After all, you weren’t the super-brilliant gangster you thought you were. But hey. At least you lived a minute longer than Near.

MELLO: I’m gonna...

LIGHT: What? Throw your weapon at me? 

MELLO: I’m gonna...

Thunk.

LIGHT: Ow. Actually, that was a joke. It’s a special pleasure to kill you, Mello, after you killed my father... And yet, farewell. I’m sorry I didn’t have the time to choose a more creative death.

_________

AIZAWA: Matsuda! I’ve got two infrared signals now. That should be you and Light. 

MOGI: Matsuda!! Please answer!! Give us a signal so we know which one you are!! 

AIZAWA: Matsuda. Matsuda, put your hands up above your head!!

LIDNER: Shit. I don’t think he’s wearing his earbuds anymore.

________

MATSUDA: Not a move.

LIGHT: Matsuda. I found Mello, he’s dead.

MATSUDA: And you are the one who killed him!

LIGHT: No, I’m not.

MATSUDA: You killed them all! Put the pen down!

LIGHT: This? That isn’t...

MATSUDA: Drop it!

LIGHT: Okay, okay.

MATSUDA: You killed them all. You killed Ukita, too! You killed Misa... and your father!

LIGHT: Wait a second, I didn’t kill any of them. That was the others.

MATSUDA: The others...?

LIGHT: Matsuda... after all we’ve been through together... after all we’ve seen... Don’t just repeat what people tell you. My innocence has been proven. Don’t you remember?

MATSUDA: Yes... The rules were fake. I sacrificed the best years of my life to you. And you’ve been mocking me internally the whole time!!

LIGHT: Nobody is mocking anybody, Matsuda. I made a better world. I did it for justice. Can’t you see it? Evil disappeared from the world.

MATSUDA: But what what cost?!

LIGHT: Matsuda. Put your weapon down. You made it. You caught me. Well done. Look, I am putting up my hands. Up above my head. And I’m waving---

BANG.

LIGHT: What the??

AIZAWA: Did you get him?

MOGI: I got somebody.

LIGHT: I’m sorry Matsuda, you were just shot by your own colleagues. That’s actually kind of funny. Now I’ll take this small piece of paper and look for a quiet spot to write their names as well. And then....

Ten seconds of gunshot noises.

LIGHT: Matsuda...??

MATSUDA, speaking laboredly: I said... I said... I said... don’t move.

RYUK: Sorry, pal. Mogi is just trained too well. He only shot the suspect to injure, not kill. 

LIGHT: Matsuda shot me!

RYUK: Yes. And when he wakes up... guess he’ll get a medal for it.

LIGHT: I’m dying, Ryuk... I’m dying...

RYUK: Happens to all of us sometime, buddy. I think you’re already going to be cold when they get here. What should I say...? It’s been real.

LIGHT: I was so close... Almost...

RYUK: I sadly don’t have anything to do a toast with. Can I borrow the pen for a second? Thank you. The shinigami has to do his job.

LIGHT: You’re... writing my name?

RYUK: Exactly what I’m doing.

LIGHT: But we’re friends... allies... You can help me... Just give me a bit of lifetime....

RYUK: Light Yagami, already done. Cause of death will be your heart stopping. But technically that’s true for everyone. There he goes.

LIGHT: I can see someone. I feel that someone is here.... with you...

RYUK: Oh really? You can see him? You really see him?

LIGHT: Someone’s here.... a man...

RYUK: Ah, there’s a term for this. When everything goes clear at the end... what was that called again?

L: Mental clarity before imminent death.

Ambulance noises. Police is also here now to secure the area.

________

L: After...? I don’t think there is such a thing as an after.

RYUK: I know. Sad to see him go. 

L: I don’t think you can feel anything but selfishness.

RYUK: Oh, come on. We were friends.

L: You killed him.

RYUK: I wrote his name in the book. It’s what I do.

L: You killed him the very second you gave him the Death Note. 

RYUK: The Death Note doesn’t kill people. People kill people.

L: You’re responsible for the death of thousands.

RYUK: Did I stutter? It’s what I do.

L: Shinigami makes reports, keep files. Light could have been a good person. You pushed him past the line. You turned him into a mass murderer.

RYUK: He freed the town of criminals. They should make a statue of him.

L: That won’t happen.

RYUK: No good deed goes without punishment.  Wow. This was quite the rollercoaster ride, wasn’t it?

L: Any last words? 

RYUK: What? What’s that?

L: Excuse me?

RYUK: What is that white book?

L: Did you never see one before, Ryuk? It’s a Death Note.

RYUK: Death Notes are black.

L: This one isn’t.

RYUK: I thought you were studying to be a shinigami.

L: That’s what you assumed, yes.

RYUK: What’s that white book for?

L: Even shinigami die, Ryuk. Who do you think writes their names?

RYUK: No, wait, L. I already told you. I just do what I have to do.

L: Stealing the Death Note of somebody else and giving it to a self-absorbed self-righteous young man who then becomes judge and executioner in one. Sending him on a murder spree. That has never been your job.

RYUK: Let’s not rush anything, okay?

L: Nobody is rushing anything. I had years to wrack my brain about this. Your superiors are really pissed, Ryuk. Completely unrelated to any moral questions, do you know how much paperwork you caused? The office is practically bursting. They even had to pull in shinigami from other divisions.

RYUK: You need my real name. You can’t kill me without my real name.

L: Ryukichi Nishiyama.

RYUK: How do you know?

L: I can see it floating above your ugly head.

RYUK: That’s not possible. Shinigami names are invisible.

L: For other shinigami, yes. But as I said... I am no shinigami.

RYUK: What are you?

L: Your superiors didn’t have to ask me for long. They were quite eager to finish the mess you caused. And I think it suits them to thin the herd a little, too.

RYUK: They wouldn’t do that.

L: Oh, but they did. Too many shinigami only hanging around, playing cards and getting drunk... for centuries. The devil finds work for idle hands. 

RYUK: U-uh, let’s talk about this, L! No, don’t write my name! Don’t!

L: There. You’re in the book. My first.

RYUK: I don’t want to die!

L: You’re already dead, buddy. Can I keep the pen?

RYUK: I don’t know what comes after this! 

L: Who even knows that? Just pretend its an adventure. Farewell, Ryuk. Who’s the apex predator now?

RYUK: It’s not fair... This wasn’t the plan... 

L: No? But be honest. Don’t you like it?

#death note #l lawliet #light yagami #audio drama translations

[esteliel]

Les Mis - The Staged Concert

Review time!

In case you're going to sit in the grand circle, don't worry - the strange construction of lighting rigs rises up as soon as the music starts, and from the second row side seat I had a good view of basically the entire stage.

I went with a cheap seat since I'm not a fan of Boe & Ball, and, well. Alfie Boe is exactly as he was when I last saw him in the role on Broadway, meaning that he sings it BEAUTIFULLY - truly, technically his Bring Him Home is to die for! - but he's just not much of an actor and I think it's that lack of expression that makes him come across as lowkey pissed off during the entire show. I was wondering if the concert staging would help, because that is basically how he's always sung his big numbers even on Broadway - as if he weren't acting in a show, but singing Who Am I or Bring Him Home contextless in a concert setting. I think it does help a little - thanks to all the cuts/lack of staging, he doesn't get to have aggressive interactions with Cosette, for example - but since everyone else does act, I still really feel the lack of it from him; the artfulness of his singing just stands out a lot more to me. YMMV, of course; his Bring Him Home is so otherworldly beautiful that I'm sure just about every reviewer will give him 5 stars, but I just need more of an emotional presence in addition to the singing to connect with it.

Michael Ball as Javert - oh dear. In basically 90% of his scenes, he's a somewhat hammy, nice Uncle Ball who has decided to dress up as Javert. His Stars wasn't bad, I thought - it was the only time I felt any sort of determination coming from him. Which, given that this is JAVERT he's playing, umm...

His Suicide wasn't terrible either, but again there wasn't much of an emotional connection. I never once had that sensation of being drawn into this emotional maelstrom of despair alongside him - I was just watching Michael Ball pretending to be Javert, instead of watching Javert, if that makes sense.

For those who care about costume details, Ballvert has a ponytail, and he comes out for the sewer scene with his hair loose and a gun in his hand which he points at Valjean. I always like stagings where Javert gets to threaten Valjean with a gun in the sewers but there was just so little emotional turmoil involved here that it didn't do much for me. :(

Furthermore, his recitative parts (and actually large parts of this production) are sung SO SLOWLY that it felt incredibly strange to me. Especially because there are so many cuts of scenes that are vital for the plot/the atmosphere, and yet the songs are slowed down so much that I feel like 30 minutes out of the 2:30 runtime is thanks to the slowness. I wonder, did they slow it down intentionally, or is it because the concert version score is from before they sped up the production...?

Carrie's Fantine left me cold. I was sad about that; her Eponine never did much for me, but surprisingly I REALLY enjoyed her in Heathers. Her Fantine was just... barely there. She was more Carrie on stage than Fantine, which was always how I felt about her Eponine as well. And she couldn't even make the most of her one big moment with I Dreamed A Dream; I don't know, she just seemed quite weak in the lower parts of her song.

Matt Lucas as Thénardier does the same stupid adlibbing that I hate so much about Thénardiers. With the slapstick humor for the Thénardiers that Cammack productions go for I'm usually at least mildly entertained the first time I see someone in the role, and it's only when you see them do the exact same stupid slapstick routine again and again and again that I really start to hate them, but Matt Lucas annoyed me right from the start. The audience LOVED HIM though, he got HUGE applause for basically everything he did and played with the audience, asking for more applause, telling them to stop it, but I really didn't enjoy him at all. And with the concert staging, you can't even focus on the antics of the ensemble during Master of the House, sigh.

Shan Ako as Eponine: her On My Own was lovely, she sang it very well - but I think her character was the one most affected by the concert cuts because I don't think she even gets to do more than just On My Own and then dying in Marius' arms (plus her bit in A Heart Full of Love). There's no young Eponine in the show at all, so we first see her show up in Paris, and I wonder, if I didn't know Les Mis so very well, what I would have made of her as a character?

And the thing is, one of the reasons I love Rob Houchen so much is that he usually has a lot of chemistry with everyone he interacts with, but since in this staged concert version, she has to die standing up while hugged by him, I really didn't get as much emotion out of that scene as even mediocre Eponines can do. Which is a shame, because after her On My Own I really believe she could do a lot more with the show, if the cuts/the concert staging didn't take away most opportunities to do so.

Lily Kerhoas' Cosette is a letdown, she's just very weak throughout; both singing- and acting-wise she really paled next to Marius and Eponine. I wish we could have had Amara in this, who always had SUCH presence on stage. :/

Simon Bowman's Bishop is so lovely! His powerful voice! <3 It's so good to see an actual older Bishop on stage instead of the usual under-30 ensemble member.

And I've been so looking forward to FINALLY seeing Earl Carpenter on a stage again, and he is SO good as Bamatabois - he's clearly really having fun with the role, and he's giving 1000% acting every second he's on, but at the same time this is what makes it really frustrating because argh, to waste Earl on Bamatabois who has 2 minutes on stage? A crime. ;___;

I've already talked about how much I love Rob Houchen, but honestly, everyone knows that I'm not in this fandom for the amis, but the most joy I've felt in this production was at the start of ABC Café when Rob Houchen, Bradley Jaden and Raymond Walsh were on stage together for the first time. That combination is the true dreamcast in this production. My favourite Marius, Enjolras and Grantaire ever. And all of them were so good! <3

Raymond is such a good actor, but again due to the staging he doesn't get to do most of the small amis interaction details that always make him such a joy to watch on stage when I usually dislike most Grantaires, but he makes good use of what opportunities he gets.

Rob is lovely - pretty much the only actor I've ever seen who can imbue the bloodless role of Marius with an endearing, youthful charisma and who usually manages to have beautiful chemistry with his Cosettes. (That he doesn't really this time is the fault of the not very present Cosette, alas.)

He does have great chemistry with Enjolras and Grantaire though, and his Empty Chairs was beautiful.

There were only ever two Enjolras' in my life I have truly, deeply loved - Bradley Jaden and Wallace Smith. It's been so long since Bradley!Enjolras that I was starting to question myself - was he really that good? Was I maybe remembering wrong? Has he maybe aged out of the role now, after his year as Javert?

And then he came onto stage for the first time and I knew that I hadn't remembered wrong at all. He has this incredible stage presence and charisma that draws you in and commands the stage, and where his Javert is weirdly emotional about stars, lol, and incredibly, insanely, fiercely obsessive and emotional about Valjean, his Enjolras hits all the emotions JUST RIGHT. The litmus test for a good Enjolras for me is that he needs to have enough charisma on stage to make you want to join the revolution - there have only ever been two in my life that have pulled that off. He does it so effortlessly, it's incredible, just watching him there on stage being Enjolras with every fibre of his being.

But OMG, the orchestra is GLORIOUS! Getting to hear the score played by 24 musicians for once is such a treat! I haven't heard this show sound so well since I saw it in Austria played by the entire orchestra of Linz's opera house. <3 OMG that string section. There were violin lines and oboe parts that I never even consciously heard before, and I've seen this damn show so often.

Also stage door was CRAZY, but my favourite part of it was that despite the huge, screaming crowd no one but me recogized Claude-Michel Schönberg when he came out of the stage door ahahaha. (He then hugged Raymond Walsh so clearly he has good taste. <3)

Audio to follow later today, once I've had time to track it!

#Les Miserables #les mis concert #Alfie Boe #Michael Ball #do I need a theatre tag

[losingmyjustice]

@charmingsecretary​ sent;

Dear future me,

Ahahaha aw fuck

TW for Death & Suicide Mention as well as Ideation and a ton of negativity. 500+ Words. It’s a lot of reflectioning alright.

Dear "future" me,

I've never come to know you, and unfortunately, I never will— all I know of you is what I've been told, which is the bare minimum since I avoid the ones who met you for understandable reasons. Only the past is certain, and it's more than apparent that I'm long gone from the track we've shared. Though, I suppose I'm just stating the obvious here, aren't I? To be blunt, there's a lot I'm curious about you. A lot that I don't grasp, a lot that I'm jealous of... I know I should quit thinking about it, as you're someone I'll never be, thanks to this hell, but... it's hard. I don't think I can do it. I feel like I'm losing the already thin thread that kept everything together. For starters, I've heard you went through with what I've planned, since nothing intervened it, unlike for me. Yet, you're still alive. Yet, the place has gotten no better. I'm not sure how come? It sounds relatively off-character from me, and I can't help but wonder what changed. How, why, would I still be alive after all that? And, what went wrong? I don't think I've missed anything? Or did I get careless in the future? But, the project aside, what, what are you doing now? Living? I never thought I'd live.

That aside, even if you died... in the end, you failed, right? 've I accomplished nothing? The Vow, the work, the goals? All for Nothing? I promised to get Justice for them before I leave, and you tell me we've failed? This was the only thing I had on my mind all these years on, the one thing that kept me moving onward, to stay strong for, and you say it's for nothing? Let me ask you again, what the bloody hell are you doing now? Why would you still be alive?? What CHANGED for you? No, no, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what the hell you're doing afterwards, alive or dead. Fact is, all this time I'm blaming this isolated god-forsaken hell for ruining everything, yet here I am, hearing that you, who DIDN'T go through this place, failed as well. So... If I've overestimated myself, If the little hope I've been grudging was for nothing if all this is doomed to fail no matter WHAT I do, then, what's the point? WHAT'S THE POINT? REMEMBER HOW WE'VE REACTED WHEN THEY'VE DIED? REMEMBER HOW WE'VE REACTED AFTER CONSTANCE'S DEPARTMENT? REMEMBER HOW WE'VE REACTED AFTER FINDING OUT THE TRUTH? I should have DIED right there! When I still could! Because, PRAY TELL, why am I still alive?! 'BETTER I CAN BE CERTAIN THAT JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED BEFORE I GO', I THOUGHT, BUT THAT'S JUST A LIE, APPARENTLY. SO, FOR THE LOVE OF THE BLOODY QUEEN, PLEASE, PRAY TELL, WHY.

WHY. why why am I still alive. Because I just can't die, right? This place is a curse. They crush your hope and then block the exit. This is torture. The days just get worse and worse here, too. I don't know how much longer I can keep up. I feel like I'm losing it, really. You're...still alive, right? How do you do it? Please, I can't do this alone. I just want to get back to how things have been. This is a neverending nightmare. I'm not strong enough to bear it. Please... I need your help.

Even if you don't exist. You don't exis

(... The far-too-long letter gets crumpled with force, and then thrown into the trash can by distance, with energy almost as if he wanted to injure someone with it.)

(...)

(he missed the can. The crumpled letter is now just lying on the ground.)

#words from the reporter [IC] #it’s friday and the house is burning [memes] #nothing left to say [ask reply] #charmingsecretary‌ #death mention tw #suicide ideation tw #suicide mention tw #losing everything as time runs out [drabble] #this is fine. yes. totally.

[chibisquirt]

I have a stupid Stucky fic idea and I don’t want to write it, at least not alone, send help

I really, really don’t have time to write this one, but damn it is a good idea.

A/B/O.  Omega Steve, Alpha Bucky.

Steve is asexual.

He and Bucky get hitched when they’re kids, when Steve is in that pre-Heat (Steve is an oven now?) phase, where you know he’s about to start having Heats but he hasn’t quite yet.  That’s the usual time for O’s to get hitched, and he and Bucky have been friends for ages, so no one looks askance at this.

Except Steve...  doesn’t go into Heat.  At all.  Bucky’s been waiting for Steve’s first Heat to, uh, stick it in him, and that just keeps... not happening.  Eventually they give in and take Steve to a doctor (Steve is furious, but at this point Bucky’s balls are so blue they’re actually orbs so he kinda insists).  Doc says, “Oh, yeah, dude’s too scrawny to Heat, how’s the sex been?” and they both kinda go, “....”  Doc sighs and tells the to try having sex anyway, and if it’s too painful after the first few times come back and see him.

So they do, and it hurts but it doesn’t hurt crazy amounts, but Steve still hates it?  It’s just... it feels wrong, it feels like making a mistake, and he actually vomits afterwards sometimes.  Eventually, he and Bucky have a talk and mostly stop having sex, although Steve says he’s okay if Bucky takes himself in hand as long as Steve is allowed to ignore it, so they do that.

And then Bucky goes to war.

Steve tries to enlist as a beta (since he’s not gonna get Heats) but he’s *still* too sick, so instead he goes and gets signed up for rebirth like a jackass.

And then he’s big and strong and healthy, so of course he has a Heat like his body was meant to.

The military HATES this, but not as much as Steve.  First of all, he’s in agony because he told them he’s married and refuses to let anyone else in, so he spends the whole Heat alone with is really not a great experience.  Second of all, he feels just sick to his stomach with how needy he is?  Like, at one point he finds himself rubbing off against a pillow and he hates it, and he hates himself for feeling that way, and... it’s bad.

So then he gets put on the USO tour and everybody’s cycles sync up, and he’s hanging out with the USO dames during his heats, which helps.  (They’re all so positive about the orgy, it’s hard to feel bad about it!  Until later ahahaha why do I hate Steve)

Then he and Bucky meet back up, and Bucky is blown away by how big Steve is for about thirty seconds before Steve goes into Heat, and then Bucky is just so thrilled he can’t even stand it and has gloriously good Heat-sex with his husband, it’s great, it’s wonderful, it’s...

...Steve wants to die.  (I’m exaggerating, please do not make him suicidal.)  He knows he should like this, and he even does during the Heat when Bucky’s with him, but... it’s still wrong?  For him???  

He definitely does not tell Bucky this.  He tells Bucky that it’s okay during Heats, and that they should take advantage of them, and Bucky is thrilled.  Steve lies to Bucky the whole war long about it just like Bucky lies by not telling Steve about being serumed.

And then.  Well.  You know what happens next.

In the new millennium, Steve begs Bruce to find him a suppressant that actually fucking works on him.  Bruce takes it as a challenge, and does.  For once, Steve is healthy and gloriously, wonderfully, Heat free.  It’s a great time in his life.

And then the Winter Soldier’s mask comes off.

There’s a little bit more to this idea, but my fingers are cramping and I need to clean the apartment.  Message me if you’re interested!

#Stucky #Stevebucky #Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes

[videogamelover99]

Waking Days Ch1 - Enter Bill Cipher

A/N: Helllooo and thank you for being so patient with me. I know, I know, with that little joke I had it coming, but look, I’ve finally delivered!

I took a long while with figuring out a title for the long fic, and I may change it later, but this is what I’ve got for now, so feedback is appreciated. (And yes, the chapter title is literally the same one as from Flat Dreams. I am a nerd.) Enjoy, you guys. :3

Warning: Implied substance abuse. 

AU by @doodledrawsthings. Based on Flat Dreams by @pengychan.

“He that sleeps feels not the tooth-ache.”

W. Shakespeare, Cymbeline. 

Ever since he took that deal, he’d been regretting it.

Looking back now, he would take a million years in that stone tomb over what that giant salamander had subjected him to. He hadn’t expected on getting his power back, not really, but the least that jerk could do was give him a proper form. Hell, or at least keep him a triangle. But he’d never expected this. He’d been thrown into this form with no directions, no explanation except “You must absolve your crime.”

Yeah, great, what the hell did that even mean.

He hated it. He hated everything about this stupid body, about this weak pitiful meat sack that frilly asshole decided to shove him in. He had nothing, no power, no immortality, no means of escape. And if that wasn't enough, he was slowly dying. He could even feel it. The slow, painful way each cell was loosing its energy. In just a few decades he would degrade, grow cold and end up feeding worms before he knew it, if this sack of flesh didn't give up on him even sooner. After watching humans for so long, he'd seen just how easily they could die, hell he'd even been the cause of a lot of them. He'd found it funny, how easily they can break.

He didn't now.

He hated this. He was Bill Cipher, bringer of nightmare, All-Seeing Eye, not some...some puny mortal who couldn't tie his own shoelaces. Stuff like that was just annoying. There was no point in knowing what humans did with their shoes, so he hadn't bothered looking. Now he could barely tie a knot, not until Shooting Star had shown him.

Mabel Pines was the easiest to deal with. Innocent and trusting, the kid was the easiest to get on his side. Was it manipulation? Sure. No surprise there. That didn’t mean he didn’t like the kid, though the whole defeating him part did put a damper on things. Because that spray paint had hurt, damn it.

Still, out of all the Pines, Shooting Star was the most agreeable one, no doubt about that. Neither Fez not Sixer would try anything, not with the kid involved. Security measure, in a way.

That's what he told himself most times when the brat decided to insert herself into his day like some kind of annoying dandelion that suddenly sprang on the lawn. Not needed, and obnoxious to boot.

The chess game had been easy, and Bill had been pretty bored anyway. Making fun of one of the Pines and getting something out of it was almost too good of a deal to pass up, even if that something was just a lousy sweater. Still, the kid knew how to make him look good, even in yarn.

The chess thing...Whatever it was, continued, as did the numerous sweaters the kid somehow managed to conjure in record time. And, okay, Bill had to admit it was fun. Shooting Star was nowhere near the most impressive opponent he'd played against, but boy if she wasn't interesting. The kid seemed to find the most ridiculous ways to lose, including chasing off his knight with her king back to his side of the board. Of course, that had been pretty much suicide, but Star satisfied herself with a really stupid loss, and Bill wasn't exactly complaining, not while her sweaters were so damn soft.

Huh, that was a weird thing to like. Must be a human thing.

…

“Watcha doing?”

Bill opened his eyes, but didn’t bother getting up when Mabel sat down next to him, letting her legs dangle from the edge of the roof. “Contemplating your pointless existence.”

“Rude.” The kid swung her legs a bit, before crawling over to sit next to him, the wood creaking under her weight. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m slowly dying.” He hadn’t meant that to come out as easily as it did. Mortality was making him lose his grip.

“Well, yeah, that’s kind of a thing humans do, y’know?” Bill closed his eyes again. He didn’t want to have this conversation, not with Shooting Star of all people. “Though we usually ignore it.”

“How?” No, stop. Ignoring what this body did to him would be almost the same as giving up. Which was ridiculous. He was going to find a way out, he knew it, he just needed to-

“Well, stop thinking about it, first of all.” The lighthearted tone meant that the kid was teasing him. Mabel Pines. Laughing at him. “You’re not going anywhere right now, so relax! It’s not like whining about it will help, ya big nerd.”

Bill didn’t respond, choosing to ignore the little girl and hopefully preserve any dignity he had left. Even if her laugh made him wanna throw her off the roof.

“Aw, don’t be like that.” No response. “Come on, is Silly Billy sulking again? I know what he needs: a sticker, that’s what!” With a small ‘boop’, Bill felt her stick something on his nose. He tore the sticker off, crumbing it and tossing it her way.

“Didn’t I tell you not to do that?”

Mabel grinned, looking pleased at finally getting a reaction out of the demon. “Do what?”

“You’re thirteen, but you act like a five year old.”

The girl’s grin fell, telling that the quip had met its mark. “You’re the one to talk.” She grumbled, poking him in the side, hard. The demon yelped, not expecting that, his body giving a spasm, forcing him to finally sit up and wrap his arms around his sides. Completely on impulse. Sometimes, human instincts were just really, really inconvenient.

Mabel blinked, looking from Bill to her hand and then back to Bill. Her face slowly stretched into a wide grin. “So you’re ticklish even out of my brother’s body.”

“Mabel Pines, I swear if you-No! No-AHAHAHA!” The kid pounced, digging her fingers into his sides, making the demon erupt with uncontrollable laughter. Aren’t people supposed to laugh at what goes their way? This was torture. The demon was hyper-aware of every sensation, of every finger that managed to dig in-between his ribs. His arms flailed around, trying to throw the kid off, but she was too damn persistent. In what felt like centuries Star finally relented, letting the demon push her away and laying down next to him, giggling as well. Bill collapsed into a boneless heap, trying to catch his breath. He was supposed to be angry, livid even, for letting any mortal touch him. Yet he couldn’t even fight off the grin that was left on his face. “I hate you.”

“Aw, don’t be like that! I was just trying to make you feel better.”

“How the hell was that supposed t-” Bill frowned, cutting himself off. Despite the heat on his face and the way his body still heaved for oxygen, there was something different about it. It was like out of all the 630 newtons gravity had dumped on him, half of that was thrown off. He did feel better, though that made no sense. “Hold on, how did you do that?”

Mabel shrugged. “I think it’s like, hormones and stuff? I don’t know, you’re the all-knowing demon. But it’s a human thing. Laughing just makes us feel better.”

Bill stared at her for a long time. Of course, laughing had made him feel better too, back when he was still all-powerful and all that jazz, but-

Liar.

He winced, ignoring the voice.

“Hey, don’t get all nihilistic on me again! And I was being such a good therapist.” The girl crossed her arms over her chest when she saw Bill’s questioning stare. “What, I know some complicated words! Someone has to understand what my nerdy bro is saying.”

“Yeah, you do.”

Mabel bristled. “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Bill grinned at her, folding his arms behind his head. “Oh, ya know...starting to wonder which one of you is the smart pines twin after all.”

Star didn’t respond, so Bill pushed on. “I mean, for all the brains you claim Pine Tree has, he was a heck of alot easier to swindle. Don’t get me wrong, you handed that rift to me on a silver platter,” a wince, “But I had to put on a whole other meat suit for ya to fall for it. Ol’ Dipping Sauce took the bait without me even bothering with all that. And! You still figured out a way to stop me. Hinder me. Whatever.” Couldn’t give her too much credit there, the third dimension was kinda out of his veil of expertise at the time. “From what it looks like, you’re the one with the brains around here.” Bill finished, looking up at the kid. She was staring back blankly at him “Uh, Shooting Star?”

Despite the fact that he knew he was laying it on thick, the demon had to admit, the kid was perceptive, sometimes even more than all the other Pines smashed together. That was what he should have watched out for.

“That’s what you said to Grunkle Ford as well, huh?”

Bill froze, before giving himself a mental kick in the head. He was playing it up too much. Of course...

Mabel smiled, the smile too sad to be her own. “You said all that nice stuff about him being ‘special’ and ‘smart’ and he believed you.” She got up. “And I thought- no that’s stupid. Dipper was right, I shouldn’t have bothered.” the girl turned to leave when a hand suddenly grabbed her wrist, clutching it a little too tightly.

“Don’t.” he hated how his own voice sounded, almost pleading, and it was stupid, because who said he really needed this kid? So his original plan to get her on his side crashed and burned, so what? She was just a stepping stone, a way for him to finally get out of this body, and then he wouldn’t need her anymore. Bill Cipher didn’t need anyone.

It’s just that being left alone on the roof all the sudden seemed like the worst thing that could possibly happen.

Mabel shook his hand off, but didn’t leave, turning back to him. Then she suddenly reached to wipe her face with her sleeve, and Bill’s chest constricted. It was like something inside of it was taken into a cold, vice grip, and he couldn’t shake it away. What was that? Why can’t I-

You know exactly what it is.

The girl sniffed, finally letting her arm fall back by her side, her face a little redder than normal. “I don’t...I don’t want to be fake friends with you.” she looked away, her face scrunched up. “If you don’t want to be my friend that’s fine, just don’t- don’t fake it.”

Bill scowled, and turned away from Star’s snot-covered face. It was really annoying, for some reason. Her leaking.

Mabel slowly came to sit next to him, tossing her legs over the edge and wiping off the stray wetness with her sleeve. “I wanna help you,” she said after a while, both of them staring straight ahead, at the last stray rays of the darkening sky. “But I don’t know if-”

“Why?”

The girl shrugged a bit to Bill’s question. “I’m Mabel Pines. It’s what I do.”

The demon grimaced, feeling angry at that statement. “It’s not gonna do ya any favors.”

Star shrugged again, letting her head fall on his shoulder. “That’s okay.”

He didn’t push her off.

...

"Just who does she think she is?!" Bill threw the scissors across the room, smashing them into the far wall and making a severely satisfying dent in the wood. Would probably get him in a big one with Fez later, but at the moment he was too livid to care. How dare she? How dare she!? "I did everything she wanted and she- and-" You did not. Bill scowled, his hands clenching at his sides. Get lost. You invoked me. How many times do I have to tell you to leave? As many as you think will satisfy you. Bill's eyes shot to the water tank in the corner. Small, pink creature met his gaze. He was almost tempted to pick up the scissors and throw them at the tank instead, but that would definitely not go well with Fez, and he wasn't exactly eager to sleep outside tonight. You are lying to yourself. Bill bristled. What the hell do you know about- What do you think she wanted? A better world! I made that happen! There was a light ticking sound. That bastard was laughing at him. Not everyone shares your definition of "better".

No. No no no. He was sure he's made it-

“Make it worth something.”

He had. If she couldn't see that, then that was her problem. They ruined everything, and after all they did to her, she still-

Liar.

“I don’t CARE!” Bill rezched up to pull viciously on his hair, but the sharp stab of pain did nothing to block out that voice. “You act like you know everything. Well, YOU DON’T KNOW A GODDAMN THING! SHE DOESN’T KNOW A GODDAMN THING! And if you THINK you can TELL ME WHAT TO DO, WELL, you’re even MORE OF AN IDIOT THAN I THOUGHT. Now get the FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.”

There was no answer. Bill breathed heavily, surrounded by silence.

...

The kid had the scissors. She'd taken them long before Fordsy could even lay eyes on them, and that was probably for the better. He needed them. And by a stroke of luck, they were just within his reach.

Bill tripped over a ball of loose yarn, shaking off the string and cursing under his breath. The kid was fast asleep, curled up in her make-shift nest of stuffed animals whose soulless, button eyes were definitely following him around. Probably cursed. Man, he had to get one of those someday.

There was no risk of waking up Star, the kid slept like a dead rock most of the time. The one he didn’t want to wake was Pine Tree, because no doubt the brat would go running to Sixer as soon as he saw Bill doing something “suspicious”. Not that this was the most inconspicuous thing he’d do, but one paranoid wreck he could deal with. Two was pushing the limit

Bill finally shook off the clingy pink thread around his ankles, kneeling next to Mabel’s supplies drawer to shuffle through its contents. Stickers, glitter glue, googly eyes all covered his hands, but no scissors were found. Where were the damn things?

Bill cast a look back at the ball of yarn he’d stepped in, and at the plastic bag next to it it had apparently rolled out of. He knelt and rummaged through the bag, careful with the crinkling plastic. Finally he’d found them, sticking out of another fluffy ball of yarn. It was just like the kid to use a reality-altering gadget as actual scissors. The demon freed them from their tangled prison, turning to leave the room. He cast one last look at Shooting Star, still sound asleep, breath whistling through her teeth. Then he left, not bothering to close the door behind him.

He didn’t notice as Mabel suddenly sat up, staring at the now empty hallway.

…

Liam closes the book he was reading, letting his eye fall shut. “Alright, that’s it. Now you have to go to bed.”

“Whaaat? But that one was short! Tell me another!”

“Billy…”

“I brought you candy! So you have to!” Bill scoots closer to him, staring into his brother’s eye eagerly, until Liam has not choice but to cave in, giving a small laugh.

“Alright, alright. A short one.”

The younger brother beams at him, eye crinkling. “Do the one about the pirates, I love that one.”

“I know, I’ve read it to you like ten times already.”

“Then make it the eleventh.”

Liam puts down the book he was holding, grabbing another one from the shelf before settling down into the pillow. Bill scoots next to him, burying them both under the blankets and leaning on the other’s side. The bigger triangle opens the cover, his palm hesitating on the first page. Why isn’t he reading?

“You can’t keep doing this, Billy.”

Bill freezes, shuddering. It was suddenly cold. No, not cold. It was really hot. There was something very, very wrong…

“What do you-”

“You’ve slept for so long. Maybe it’s time to wake up.”

No. No no- “No. No, don’t- I don’t want-” The boy’s tumbling phrases die in his throat as he looks up at the other, and his eye shrinks into a pinprick at the sight.

Liam’s shape is crumbling, burning away like singed paper, the edges of the triangle darkening and curling inward.

And it was like Liam didn’t even notice. He just stared at him with that sad, regretful eye. Like he didn’t notice he was- “Wake up, Billy.”

“NO!” Bill made a grab for him, for whatever was left of his brother, but it was too late. There was nothing but ashes. “No, no, no, make it stop, please, I-”

Wake up, Billy.

The bedsheets caught on fire, angry red flames dancing on the covers. It burned, it burned more than Bill ever thought it would. “Come back! I didn’t mean to!”

There was nothing but that unbearable heat, eating him inside out, turning his thoughts to dust, just like they did to-

Wake up!

Bill screamed.

…

And promptly fell on the floor.

The demon lay there for awhile, rubbing his now bruised side. He didn’t remember what that nightmare was about, except that it was gonna keep him awake for the rest of the night. Which means he slept a total of- Bill unburied his face from the blanket, casing a bleary look at the cuckoo clock mounted on the wall. Four hours. Not bad, but hardly enough for this stupid body to be satisfied with.

Sleep was one of the most annoying things this body had him dealing with. The absurd amount of time humans spent unconscious (eight to nine hours, seriously? Most other beings could live off of four) used to be extremely handy. After all, what was a dream demon without dreams to infiltrate? Every time someone fell asleep, it was practically an open invitation for him to sneak in and rummage through their brain without consequence.

And he hated being on the receiving end of it. It was like the universe itself was setting up some big joke. Bill Cipher in need of sleep. Ha ha, hilarious.

He loathed every time he got put under. Bill of all knew how vulnerable humans were when asleep. It was what got him the upper hand, but now, it was unnerving. He had no idea of what was going on around him, and that was the least of it. The nights when he didn’t dream of anything were probably the most bearable.

Because when he did, they were always nightmares.

Aaand there was the punchline. Bill Cipher, harebringer of nightmares was suddenly on the receiving end of them. Pure irony at its finest. He’d appreciate the humor more if he didn’t wake up screaming every night.

It’d been so long since he knew what nightmares were like, anyway, long before he’d-

The long forgotten screams echoed in his head, and Bill pushed them away, deep enough that he wouldn’t have to hear them anymore. He got up, his side still aching from the fall, tossing the flimsy blanket aside on the floor. There was no point in going back to sleep. He couldn’t even if he’d tried, and besides, who knew if that nightmare came back again? Bill would take the horrible weight of exhaustion over that any day.

The demon stumbled into the kitchen, shuffling through the shelves in search of enough caffeine to make that unexplainable pressure on the back of his head go away for at least a few hours. He cracked open one of the top cabinets, and froze. Huh. So that’s where Fez keeps all his poison. There sure is a lot of it.

It felt like he’d stood there forever, starting them, the dark glass glinting under the dim lighting. The flickering light of bright blue flame still danced behind his eyes.

Bill reached for the bottle.

…

“Cipher? What the hell are ya- Oh jeez, what a mess. You know I’m charging ya for the booze, right?”

…

The bottles were gone, and he was on the couch again, the blanket he’d kicked away tossed over him.

At least the splitting headache chased away the voices.

…

“I wanna see him.”

The ancient one lifted his tale, revealing a small, grey triangle underneath. Bill Cipher looked more awake than he had all this time, not looking at the Axolotl, but rather somewhere beyond, into the dull void that stretched out for eternity. The boy’s eye was narrowed, hiding whatever emotion he didn’t want the other to see. Of course, the ancient one could still tell.

“You- you said if I wake up, I’ll get to see him.” It was a question, despite not sounding like one, carrying something almost akin to hope. “That I’ll find out where he is.”

“You will. In time.”

The boy finally looked at him, the single wide eye not muddled anymore by sleep. “So if I leave, then-”

“If you leave, you will gain a new form. Absolve your crime, and you shall see your brother again.”

Bill turned away, looking unsure. But he was ready. This was the first time that he ever talked about leaving this bubble without denial or anger, but as a possibility. But that possibility was all that was needed for the bubble to crack, and the illusion to shatter. If Cipher truly wanted to leave, that meant that the dream wasn’t enough anymore to satisfy him. That did not mean that his denial would end, but it was cracking, just like the bubble.

“Ok.” The voice was small, but the weight it carried could not be compared to anything else found in the void. “Deal.”

...

Bill Cipher woke up.

#bill cipher #gravity falls #fanfiction #mabel pines #stanley pines #the axolotl #liam cipher #jheselbraum (mentioned) #stanford pines (mentioned) #a different form a different time #human bill au #doodledrawsthings #pengychan #flat dreams #dipper pines (mentioned) #alcohol abuse

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching The Zygon Inversion for the first time

(I’m getting closer and closer to the season finale and extremely worried.)

(And yes, I decided to use screenshots for DW reactions as well.)

-Oh boy

-Hoo boy

-Whoa wait... Clara’s okay? But why are the clock numbers flipped? Is she on the other side of a mirror or something? Is she locked in her consciousness?

-WHY IS THE TOOTHPASTE BLACK

-I like how the slanted camera angles make everything dizzy and look so much more... wrong.

-Wow what a great, totally-not terrifying start to an episode

-PHEW he lives

Videogaming, the hard way.

-Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit... OH SHIT

-What why are they cleaning up electric ash

-Who’s that

-Oh shit

-Oh shit

-CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR

-LOCK THE GODDAMN DOOR

-Oh shit oshit oshit o shit

-Is he like a good Zygon or a regular guy that got turned into a Zygon?

-Yeah I’m going for the latter, if he already was a Zygon he wouldn’t be calling for help in plain sight

-Oh ok they’re alive then

-I like those three chairs standing there like ‘yeah we’re fine nevermind’

-Nice British flag parachute you’ve got the-- wait isn’t that considered blaspheme of the national flag or something?

-what why what’s in his browser history I’m suddenly very worried

-”This is us being blown up with a big bazooka”

-Did Clara seriously memorize the locations of the letters on her smartphone keypad?

-That’s a hell of an ominous font for text messages, Doctor.

-WHOa the mirror

-THAT’S A PICTURE OF THE FIRST DOCTOR

-But what does the Osgood Box exactly DO?

-You’ve got some anger issues there, Bonnie.

-”Doctor John Disco”  Why did you ditch the Smith?

-Doctor you’re creepy

-You’re all creepy

-”Don’t call me Zyjello”

-*gasp* THE WINK

-IT’S THE REAL CLARA

-Bonnie you youtube jerk

-Holy shit

-Yeah but if you’re REALLY good at lying through your teeth without blinking an eye heartbeats aren’t gonna help

-But barbeques don’t stink...

-Oh indeed.

-I rest my case.

-BONNIE THAT’S A SUICIDE MISSION WTF

-HOW ABOUT YOU TRY GOING ABOUT THIS A BIT MORE CIVILLY

-But why can’t I feel MY pulse when I press my fingers against my wrist

-Is there something wrong with me or is the skin on my fingers too thick

-I CAN’T FEEL MY PULSE

-My heart’s beating alright but what the fuck happened to my pulse

-Bezzle?

-wut?

-he can turn back now?

-I take back my earlier argument, looks like he WAS a Zygon from the start.

-Follow the guy who tased you. Good choice.

-”I want to live... This is my home...”

-Why is he so distressed? If he’s a Zygon, why does transforming hurt him? Can;t he change at will?

-I like how she brought the whole pod along just so she could gloat to Clara and because she’s too lazy to go back to her later

-Bug shaped comm, nice.

-You take the blue one, the story ends. You take the red one, you-- oh wait wrong franchise.

-AHAHAHA YOU EXPECTED RESULTS BUT NO, MORE BUTTONS FOR YOU! AHAHAHAHA

-Buttonception.

-Turns out it’s the real Kate after all

-”Why does peacekeeping always involve killing?”

-Because not everyone wants to be peaceful and some of them will go against peace until they die?

-Serious talk aside, the boxes are pretty.

-Red button 1: Kills all Zygons  Red button 2: Kills everyone in London  Blue button 1: Unmasks all Zygons  Blue button 2: Cancels Zygon ability to change form

-Well if that’s true the Zygons went through a whole lot of shit for some goal they don’t even know exactly about.

-That’s some really true words there

-Doctor what kind of drugs did you take

-And were they labelled “Late evening TV show host”

-Eh he’s serious again

-”I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know, I did worse things than you could ever imagine, and when I close my eyes, I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count!”

-shit

-I think I saw that speech quoted somewhere in a YouTube comment section one. I had no context back then, but now I do and... oh.

-nonoNONON-- oh wait she’s just closing the lid. that’s good. good kate.

-If she suddenly changes her mind back and slaps the button I will fucking scream

-Thank you for sparing my vocal chords.  That being said...

I was reminded of this

-THE MOMENT

-*VIETNAMTIME WAR FLASHBACKS*

-Finally, a happy ending I can get behind.

-”Totally And Radically Driving In Space”

-I SAW THAT ON YOUTUBE COMMENTS AND I THOUGHT THOSE WERE JUST JOKES BUT NOOO THEY WERE REFERENCES

-Did Clara whisper something in her ear

-*gasP* DUN DUN DUN  IT’S SEVENTH DOCTOR OSGOOD

-oKAY WHAT

-THE REBEL LEADER’S AN OSGOOD NOW

-”ZYJELLA” dammit doctor

-”Are you a boy or girl?”  “Human.”  “But what’s your gender?”  “I’m a kid.”  “What’s in your pants?”  “Determination.”

-Thanks fucking goodness that actually ended well, I was so nervous

#watching for the first time #doctor who #doctor who series 9 #the zygon inversion #whovian #reaction #review #long post #clara oswald #zygons #twelfth doctor #peter capaldi #jenna louise coleman #kate stewart #undertale references #sorry #doctor who unit

[blueberrypancakepotbellygirl]

oOoOooOooOo she has so many thoughts !! time to spill !!

diagnosis and next steps

so, after the bad appointment last time, my mum and I have been planning to go back to the doctors and try to see a different practitioner and see if I can get referred this way. my mum talked to this psychiatrist lady she knows, and she asked me to send her an email with my symptoms and why i want a diagnosis. i told her the truth, including that i want a diagnosis for validation of my experience and the ability to access special circumstances at the university and through whatever employment I enter (so that, when school starts and when i get a proper job, i don’t have to wait 6 months for verification of my illness while i... idk break down or something. preventative mental health care just seems so logical idk why it isn’t encouraged more.)

the psychiatrist wrote a letter with her recommendations, something i could maybe give to whatever GP I see. Right now, though, i’m wondering if this is 1) worth it, 2) necessary, and 3) if i’m doing it for the right reasons.

I know that something is still wrong. I know if I was neurotypical i wouldn’t be self harming, i wouldn’t be having panic attacks, i wouldn’t be having these episodes of severe sadness and suicidal ideation. i wouldn’t still struggle with food. so, something is wrong. a diagnosis of SOME KIND is needed, because i haven’t been evaluated since before first year and these seem to have expiry dates. so i feel like, even if the first GP i saw didn’t think i had BPD, he should have still referred me because of the symptoms I have????? like fucking maybe ??

the thing is though, i know i’m not supposed to be in therapy right now. i know the relationships i have with my therapists can stunt my emotional growth (... just saying.... this is another symptom of BPD... just putting that out there). so i don’t want a diagnosis so that i can access TREATMENT. i’ve been getting treatment for over a decade ! i need to see how i do on my own ! so far that’s been.... real mixed !!!! as my life always is ! some days i feel like a fully normal person ! other days i feel like a fucking GOD. and other times i want to Fully Die and i feel the Worst I’ve Ever Felt and it feels like every cell in my body has relapsed. but i feel like if i say i’m not looking for therapy a doctor is going to (fairly, as well) be confused as to why i want an assessment. 

the way i see it, a diagnosis allows me to access the SUPPORT i need to live my life without therapy. it allows me to have days off when i need them, it allows me extra time in exams, it is lenient with me in terms of how much is expected of me as a researcher or academic or employee. a diagnosis helps me navigate the world slightly easier. having a diagnosis of an eating disorder meant that i could be strict with employers about food breaks. having a diagnosis of depression meant i was given leniency when i came to missing classes and lectures. diagnoses are keys. if my life has these adjustments, therapy isn’t necessary. life gets its hardest when i can’t access these adjustments. but i don’t know if this is good enough for a GP to refer me. i know waiting lists are long (ahahaha i know this SO WELL) and doctors don’t want people on them who might have nothing wrong with them. i get that. but there is definitely something wrong with me, and i feel like this reason is a valid enough reason. maybe. i think i think i think.

okay but here’s where i stumble. because DESPITE IT BEING YET ANOTHER SYMPTOM THAT I DON’T HAVE A STABLE SENSE OF SELF AND I OFTEN CLING TO SPECIFIC THINGS TO MODEL MYSELF OFF OF BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL SUBSTANTIAL ON MY OWN i have always depended on my previous diagnoses as personality-makers. being ‘anorexic’ or ‘anxious’ became my entire personality. identifying with BPD has done the same. i honestly cannot remember a time where i didn’t have a diagnosis of some kind, just as i couldn’t remember a time until just recently when i hadn’t been in therapy. existing without a diagnosis is something i have never done, and the idea of it is SO FUCKING TERRIFYING. and, often, when i’m scared about something, it’s a sign i really, really, very much need to do that thing. 

so now i’m stuck ! between the possibility that maybe i need to see how i am without a diagnosis and no help ! and trying to get help again and maybe being rejected again !!! but, i guess, if this was a physical illness ( and ik ik it’s stupid to compare them i know) then i wouldn’t be like ‘well, i’ve always had the diagnosis of diabetes, so maybe i should go a while without having it’. that’s just dumb.

look, i know my symptoms are mild. they are nowhere near as severe as many of those with BPD experience. my mania and depressive episodes happen a 3/4 times a week rather than three times a day. i don’t have debt. my relationships are significantly more stable (definitely not perfect by any means tho, still a long way to go, can’t get complacent). the eating disorder is so much better, the self harming is so much better. i am getting better. but when things are bad, they are SO BAD !!! and if i wait until things are SO BAD then it will be too late ! i am being a good patient by going in now smh. 

i am going to go back to the doctors. i don’t know if i’m going to let my mum come into the actual appointment with me, because that’s a boundary i really want to reinforce. but i also don’t want to push her out of my personal struggles entirely either, so i feel like her coming down to support me through the appointment is a really good middle ground. we’ll see.

going home and family

i went home this weekend !!! i took alex and we got the train and my ENTIRE FAMILY CAME TO THE STATION and fucking Rory homophobe smith was there which was just... hilarious. so weird. why are my family so intense. but it went so well !! so so well ! i feel like dad likes alex way more than he ever liked mike (idk what he had against mike). i felt bad for not spending much time with my mum on our own, because that;s what i always do when i go home. but it was actually super nice to not do that, to not have super intensive emotional sessions with her. it was just... lovely to play chess and drink coffee and play with the dogs with alex and then leave the next day. 

the night was hard. the night is always hard. triggers creep in like ghosts in the night, they seep through the wooden floors and sink into me. i went manic and was going through all the cupboards on the first and lower floor. idk what i was looking for. it was a pair of strawberry-patterned converse at first, and then i started feeling paranoid for no reason and searching for old diaries of mine that i thought my parents had hidden.

partners meeting family is always a big and important thing for me. gay partners meeting family is... a Whole New Thing. it forced me to confront those lingering feelings of guilt and shame that i feel about my sexuality and the Big Feelings of guilt i feel for upsetting my mother by being queer (aha. lol. that was. the worst. feeling. ever. it broke my heart. i am absolutely still not over that heartbreak it turns out. i’m getting there though.) but we did it and it went well and i am so grateful to have such a supportive partner and i am very in love and i like them very much and it feels like we are in a good and stable place and that is the best feeling ever.

how summer is going

summer is going. it’s super good and super bad. i need to get more interviews. i need to keep trying to keep a routine and keep my room clean and get fresh air even if that means i buy coffee from some dumb coffee shop every day. work is hit or miss. anxiety comes in waves, as does dissociation. depression hits like a brick and then leaves like a moving van. i need to sleep more, need to shower every day. water the sun flower. i have my paints now ! and my brushes !!! so i can paint things for all my friends and that makes me happy. immy and chema and dara and ale and alex can all get little summer paintings to commemorate the end of summer.

what’s next

dissertation. i’m putting out a new round of posts tomorrow. meeting ihsaan to catch up because i have been a terrible, super negligent friend to him recently. buy groceries because i need to eat more vegetables and protein. maybe buy a baking tin and make banana bread this week. i get paid on wednesday: no. 1 priority? immy’s birthday present. i have MANY IDEAS. gotta pick one now.

#p.

[ohh-kaye]

my coping mechanism

 I’m having one of my usual days where I really really really want to hurt myself but I can’t.

Because tomorrow I have my practical exam. And we can’t wear watches or jewellery so if I happened to hurt myself, people would see.

It makes sense that  should just do it in an area where nobody would see it but I’ve done that and I don’t get the same satisfaction because I don’t see it every day.

Subconsciously (and I know this is wrong and messed up but...) I kind of want to see the evidence or the proof or the reminder that I did this to myself and that my life is horrible and what I did was horrible and that I should never do it again but I know I probably still will. I feel a sense of relief when I see that my problems aren’t in my head anymore but they’ve become this physical manifestation of a scar.

To be fair, I haven’t relapsed in a year (which is great!) but now I’ve noticed that I’ve shifted into another dangerous coping mechanism where I bottle everything up and I have frequent bouts of mental breakdowns where I cry for no reason (I know the reason but it just happens spontaneously).

So I’m sad.ALL.THE.TIME.because everything slowly builds up.

And as awesome as it is that I’m not cutting myself, I’ve just become a really shitty and boring person to be around and I know this because I don’t have any friends hahaha (i actually find this funny idk why)

I’ll make this a draft because I really have to study tonight. (14/11/17)

It’s November 22, 2017. I didn’t forget about this post though. I just got really lazy on finishing it. Okay...

Serious mode.

Okay. It’s difficult to put myself back in the mindset that I was in when I initially wrote this. Because I’m not particularly sad right now. I’m not happy. Just kind of meh. Which is awesome. Not feeling too bad.

But I guess I’ll look at this more objectively now. How do I do this? ahahaha.

I first hurt myself when I was 14. I wasn’t sad at the time. I just remember that I accidentally scratched myself and it left a small wound. Not heavily bleeding but there was a red line. And I didn’t feel any pain... which was really strange to me.

So this is where the stupidity began.

I kind of said to myself “That didn’t hurt at all. Imagine what it would be like if I did this on purpose?”.

I took a box cutter that I happened to have and I made a line on my wrist to “test it out”. Again, it didn’t hurt at all. (maybe I didn’t deep enough). I thought “Wow. This is weird”.

The next morning when I woke up, I saw there was a scab and I got really scared because I thought people would see.

Luckily at the time, I wore a lot wrist bands (because I thought it was cool haha) so it was hidden. Sometimes I’d have bracelets and wrist bands that would cover my whole arm. It’s so stupid when I look back because why would wear so many? hahaha.

This is when life unravelled and turned to shit basically.

(I’ll make a separate post about this. Maybe I’ll link it somewhere. This is a whole topic about friendship and this’ll be waaaaay too long if we go there)

Fast track, because it didn’t hurt when I do it, I’d go the extra mile and pour rubbing alcohol or hand sanitizer on it to make it hurt (and maybe to disinfect it when my blades were too rusty).

I started carving out words like “Fat” and “Ugly” and “Failure” because that’s how I see myself and a handful of people at school knew but I’d the odd comments of “You’re doing this for attention” and “By cutting yourself, you’re not fixing the problem” and some bitch went as far as saying to the whole class (we were having an open forum about people who commit suicide or self harm) that people who cut themselves should just do the world a favour and kill themselves. My mouth just opened because I was in shock. I know that she aimed this at my friend who also hurt herself and everyone knew she did it. 

I had a lot of counter arguments for what she said but I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t know how to talk about it because if I said something then people would know that I did it myself.

This was what I did for the next 5 years anytime I was sad or angry because I couldn’t talk to people about my problems.

And then I started Nursing.

If you’ve worked in healthcare then you know how Infection Control is drilled into our brains.

So I had to stop hurting myself because (1) as much as I hated myself , I didn’t want to die and (2) how are my patients going to trust me to help them when I can’t even help myself.

There are so many instances when I would bring safety pins so close to my skin because I really wanted that sense of relief or high that I’d get when I cut. But I’d remember that I had to go to hospital tomorrow and I can’t hide it if I do it. So I’d stop. Overtime, I’d trained myself not to do it anymore and I don’t feel the urge to most of the time. However, I did almost relapse a couple weeks ago. *nervous laughter*

But now I have no outlet for my “feelings” and I don’t know what to do with them. Imagine a pressure cooker and everything builds up and it gets louder and louder and the longer you leave it, it will just suddenly explode.

That’s me a few times a month.

Sometimes, there’s a trigger. Exams or due assessments and other times, it just happens. I just cry and I don’t stop. I would just keep saying to myself “I don’t why I’m crying”. And I’d go on Twitter and post about having a mental breakdown. Because that’s what it feels like. Just go through my Twitter feed to see the real time ramblings in my head. lol.

I once cried after I looked at a picture of Julie Andrews. ahahahaha. If you don’t know, my favourite movie is The Sound of Music. And I was about to watch it that night because I had a pretty shitty day and I just started crying. I ended up not watching it because I cried until midnight. 

I don’t know the sense to this post. I just thought I should share because I honestly do miss writing. I used to keep a diary as a child and I’d write on it every night. Then I stopped. And now I’m training myself to write it down and read it to myself because I’ve found that it helps rationalise my thoughts and it’s good to rant here since no one in real life will listen.

I think that maybe in the future, I’d be fixed. I don’t know how that’s possible but maybe. I don’t want to be sad forever.