#I feel like he especially gets the intrusive thoughts part of ADHD which makes him feel 10x worse because he knows how nasty the shit

[jankwritten]

Uh oh. I’ve been thinking a lot about Leo Valdez lately. I can feel the roots starting to dig in.

This never ends well.

#largely I’m thinking about my ‘THEYRE gross teenagers who are gross let them be gross’ post and Leo #and how he would probably feel really self conscious about being gross because he already feels excluded #I feel like he especially gets the intrusive thoughts part of ADHD which makes him feel 10x worse because he knows how nasty the shit #in his head is and what everyone would think of him if they knew what his brain spews out #(the projection is starting fr……but like it makes sense with his canon shit as well so fuck it) #Leo who doesn’t let himself be a gross teenager and cheats himself out of the experience of being a teenager because he’s so anxious #about being good enough and cool enough and hot enough for his cool good hot friends (who are also all gross) #pjo #hoo #Leo Valdez #ugh #I’m having a fucking awful day so. this is how we cope.

[wetratheadcanons]

some battinson headcanons cause i still think about him almost a year later but 60% is actually just me projecting onto him

is autistic (obviously), but also has adhd

he also deals with intrusive thoughts, it's why his no-kill-policy is so important to him

loves video games, obscure internet lore and horror - especially analog horror and found footage

his favourite games are project deepweb, he solved it in just a little under 2 hours, and vampyr, he always plays the pacifist run despite it being harder

has a whole wall dedicated to the five nights at freddy's lore, scott cawthorne might be his biggest enemy

absolute animal magnet despite being kinda terrified of all of them

can't go anywhere that has animals because they're immediately flocking to him

the whole "introvert at a party finds the dog" - situation but instead the dog finds bruce and refuses to leave

ace was the first animal bruce wasn't ever really scared of, alfred thinks he may have been trained to be a psychiatric service dog prior to his adoption

wherever bruce is in the tower, ace isn't far away, his presence calms bruce

prefers loud music, he doesn't like being alone in his head too much and the noise helps him

apart from nirvana and my chemical romance, his favourite bands are ghost and ice nine kills because he likes their consistent themes

selina gifted him a pair of pink cat-ear headphones once and they're the only pair he ever wears at home

he claims it's just because they're comfortable but everyone knows it's because he loves them

eats when he's hungry but rarely at specific times, it doesn't make sense to him

he can't really eat after waking up

doesn't eat meat, he feels like it lies too heavy in his stomach

he also doesn't like the smell of cooked meats or fish

he loves sour fruits and has a mild sweet tooth

has a caffeine addiction but he doesn't like the taste of coffee, prefers black and green tea (to alfred's delight) and energy drinks (to alfred's horror)

he's trans ftm who is either gay or bi with a preference for men (he doesn't know and doesn't care to find out)

selina and him never went further than their kiss, bruce will always put gotham before anything else (until dick comes along) and selina needs a freedom that he can't give her

they also both realised it was a spur of the moment thing since they barely knew each other at that time and found they're better off friends

they're co-parenting a kitten though it's adorable really

bruce found her half dead on patrol one night and called selina in a panic about what to do, they named her chewy

ace loves chewy, she sleeps on his head, bruce has an entire folder on his phone dedicated to pictures of them

had a robin hood phase when he was 6, tried to steal from his parents to give to people in need

alfred continually reminds him of this after he takes in dick

his favourite rogue is ivy, they have important conversations (as in ivy talks and bruce hngs) about climate change while bruce tries to stop her from murder

he implements policies build after her ideals into wayne enterprise

his respect for her rises after she gets together with harley

for all that he fights it, he can't sleep without the sound of gotham - which includes gotham typical crime

he thrives when he's alone, it's how he does his best work, be it batman or wayne enterprise

has trouble admitting defeat, dick joining him as robin helped him in that department a great deal

is pierced. he did almost all of them himself, alfred has a heart attack everytime he spots a new one

the public has a weird badboy image of him, bruce has no idea where it came from

doesn't bruise easily but is still constantly in pain

has an absolute shit posture, social anxiety and crime fighting don't help

sleeps in the worst positions humanly possible

has a weird thing about mirrors, avoids them as much as he can

doesn't give interviews ever, it's part being a social recluse, part everything the press did to his parents, part hating to be perceived

has troubles with empathy, but his compassion makes up for it in great detail

dick uses him as a jungle gym, he pretends to be annoyed but secretly loves it

when bruce is working on cases in the cave, dick hangs head down off of bruce's back with his legs over bruce's shoulders

dick claims it helps him think, bruce knows it's because he doesn't want to be alone

bruce loves the relationship dick and selina have, might be a little jealous that cat got through to the boy much faster than him though

after taking in dick, bruce makes sure to show alfred that he actually does see him as a father figure - regrets all the times he told him that alfred's not his father

that's all i have for now

#the batman #bruce wayne #battinson #bruce wayne headcanon #headcanons #platonic batcat #dick grayson #batman #dc comics #catwoman #the batman 2022 #alfred pennyworth #selina kyle #battinson headcanons

[adhdeancas]

wait so fellow adhder I'm I think that actually all of the TFW are actually ND. Cas has autism, dean has adhd, and hear me out, Sam has ocd. the intrusive thoughts? obsessive behavior? eating and acting clean literally to a point where it is inconvenient for everyone involved? I think he is obsessing over being clean and fresh (compared to demon blood and souless Sam, sleazy and nasty Sam) also I have a few reasons for thinking dean us adhd but y do u think so sorry I'm rambling

let’i’ve been waiting all my life for you to come into my inbox and talk to me about this

of COURSE TFW are ND!!! of course!! and yes, yes, we all know Cas has autism I love my autistic angel and i love the hc that Sam has ocd because it does fit really well!

(sectioned all of this out because it’s better for adhders to read, you get it)

his ocd directly bleeds into his poor self-esteem like you said with the demon blood! he feels the need to be pure and even though he canonically knows that these things (like eating clean, running, etc) can’t help his problem, he still tries because he kind of... has to. 

also OCD is often connected to a need for control, and the physical state of sam’s body is the one thing he has control over (which is also where we get into eating disorder territory). Sam has had so little control over his life, especially growing up, and for most his childhood, he didn’t even control what he ate (with Dean making/buying his meals). SO once he gets out of that environment, he hyperfixates on this new freedom!

we can also go to the hand pressing with this. a literal compulsion that even after the effect of the pain wears off once the hand heals, he still does it as a grounding method. nonsensical compulsion to calm anxiety? yes OCD 

can also be linked to childhood trauma but what ND can’t be amirite

emotional regulation once again - remember Angry Boy King Sammy? So angry he doesn’t know what to do and can’t control it and feels like he’s gonna explode with the rage?

intrusive (sometimes violent) thoughts are a huge marker for OCD and Sam’s obviously sometimes come from Unnatural means but they are also a part of him and kind of always have been

religious themes are also huge in OCD which Fits and makes me EMOTIONAL Sam I’m so sorry he spent his whole childhood feeling unclean and unholy and Fixated on that to the point of praying to a God his family didn’t believe in just so he could be Clean fuck

also i think it’s really interesting and cool that of the two brothers, Sam shows the most obvious signs of OCD even though he is canonically the messier brother and the brother not worried about IRL germs (i know the writers didn’t try to do this but i don’t care they didn’t play into the OCD means i must germex! trope)

AND ADHD DEAN!!! 

let’s first look at the obvious: Dean is highly skilled in combat, even though he hates physical exercise. Why? ADHD brain tied up with anxiety is hardwired into flight or fight, not sit and focus on one thing. it’s constantly picking up on threats and peripheral vision and all that shit 

he also has a spotty history with books! like i’ve said before, not shit writing, this is Dean’s ADHD. Dean as a kid read some high-brow books and he still does occasionally but he doesn’t nearly as much as an adult because it became much harder!! and because he just couldn’t devote that much attention, even as a kid, to things that he wasn’t really interested in! This is why he hates research

he’s known far and wide for his impulsiveness, his knee jerk decisions. it’s part of what makes him a good hunter and part of what makes him human disorder incarnate - It’s ADHD

Low frustration tolerance and rejection-sensitive dysphoria! Dean has a really hard time regulating his emotions and especially anger - especially especially especially when he feels like he’s being rejected or abandoned. it’s literally his worst fear 

^^^^ rejection-sensitive dysphoria also plays into his low self-esteem (god poor kid to have RSD in an environment growing up where Everyone Was Constantly Busting Each Other’s Balls and couldn’t be emotionally available to also tell you they actually love you), high self standards, and social anxiety (he’s a bullshitter, his chameleon charm is also a symptom of his social anxiety and RSD) 

also Dean has lots of sleep problems both ways and complicated relationships with motivation and inner restlessness versus a yearning for stability 

comfort items / food!! now i can’t find the research on this so forgive me because i know i’ve read it somewhere that ADHDers tend to gravitate toward familiar things or foods! (like Dean’s burgers and his car / motels that are all basically the same) it is a very ND thing in general as well

along that line, ADHDers tend to have sensory processing issues - it’s why Dean has an Outfit Recipe of the same types of clothes that he sticks to - also why he delights so much in sensory stuff like magic fingers and the Dead Guy Robe

(((jfc i thought of this point while writing out the last one and then forgot it and had to stare at the screen for a minute, now I’ve forgotten it again while writing this thank you adhd))) AH YES! auditory processing! Remember how we make fun of Dean for his lame comebacks? Remember how we make fun of him for his buffer speed in The Scene? baby that’s because it takes him five extra seconds to translate those words let alone RESPOND

not to mention people with ADHD often have much higher rates of anxiety/depression (duh) and substance abuse (yes)

lmao in researching this the article I was looking at says that lead exposure as a child can lead to ADHD and jfc you KNOW those shitty motels had Exclusively Lead Paint smh

BUT ONE OF MY FAVORITES of course has to be that Dean gets along so well with autistic Cas!! as an adhd dude with an autistic best friend, WE DIG! adhd and autism go so well together because we can get each other in ways that others just Can’t. adhd and autism have a lot of overlap/similarities in brain function and shit. 

tend to eschew social conventions and be much more straightforward/want that in others

they can both have the tendency to fidget and depending on upbringing mask that for some people - which also leads to being social chameleons

they both have comfort items / foods that NT find really strange or childish in my experience

sensory disorders!!! cas with his ONE OUTFIT and Dean with his different colored ONE OUTFIT 

Anyway i’m in love with this and i have so many thoughts but here are a few of them thank you very much for this ask i love that you came to me 

#ask #willowwisk #adhd dean #dean has adhd #autistic cas #cas has autism #ocd sam #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #neurodiversity #tw: abuse #tw: eating disorders

[robinsarm]

Heya!! Can I get some sleepy Quentin headcanons? I'm on a "monster befriends human" kick, so maybe something involving that? You said you needed ideas, so here ya go?

Sleepy Quentin, huh, @chaoticlovingdreamer? I think I can scrounge up a couple >:3

I assume that a lot of people see Quentin as a pill or caffeine fiend, especially while he lived in the real world. But what I think some people forget is that he also has ADD/ADHD as stated by his movie. Do you understand what lack of medication and exhaustion does to a person with ADHD? It's not fun, I'll say that much.

When Quentin is really hitting the bottom of his energy tank he gets more and more distant from everyone else. He'll stop talking, start sitting further away from the fire, and intrusive/depressing thoughts start to riddle his mind. Since a healthy dose of sleep isn't on the menu for Quentin usually, he'll start to cope with his exhaustion in other ways; other ways that aren't healthy and can be left up to the imagination for now.

Some of the survivors that have been there the longest have learned to spot these signs from Quentin before he begins "coping". They'll immediately get up and take him for walks or bring him back to the fire and in front of 20+ other sets of eyes. Claudette, Ace, Meg, and Laurie are usually the nicest and manage to cheer him up faster than anyone else. Steve, in recent years, has also grown to notice and make sure his teammate is okay.

Have you ever seen the joke of someone getting hit in the head on a cartoon and they fall flat on their face, knocked out? Visualize that, and realize Quentin does that on a regular basis just without the hitting part. Like someone with narcolepsy, when Quentin’s brain and body are tired of being awake, he’s out like a light; heaven forbid he’s standing near anything sharp when this happens. From time to time, Quentin will just suddenly fold like a GMOD player hit their kill key. There’s no waking him up for a while after that. So far, it’s never happened in a trial; who knows why, Quentin is just grateful for that much. 

When Quentin is tired and actually decides that he’d rather sleep then Collapse™, he will pass out just about anywhere. On the logs, in the bushes, up a tree (won’t do that anymore because he’s prone to falling out of said trees), on someone. Quentin has no shame when it comes to finding a place to rest his head for a minute and the others, for the most part, are fully understanding.  

Sleepy Quentin can also be confused with what Drunk Quentin would look like, only in his movements, however. I’d compare it to those really yanking pulls that Boiled Over can do in-game that just send the killer 5 meters to the left. Yeah...Quentin will do that a lot when he’s really tired. It’s normal to see him firmly planted on the ground when he’s extra tired just so he doesn’t fall into something or someone. (He took out a game of Blackjack that Ace and Bill were playing and felt incredibly bad afterwards) If Quentin can help it, he won’t move when he’s on the very verge of passing out. 

Not so much headcanons but two scenarios I’d like to imagine have happened to Quentin:

I.

Quentin doesn’t sleep due to Freddy’s constant torment that he resumes every time the survivor falls asleep. But Quentin isn’t the only one Freddy torments. It’s been known that Freddy will hop from person to person if Quentin goes for too long without sleeping. However, the killer once made the mistake of pulling the same shit on the Legion which earned him a proper beating from the four teens afterwards. Because of this, the Legion made sure that the Nightmare can’t enter Ormond unless he’s in a trial. 

(I have a personal headcanon that killers can ask the Entity to block a different killer from entering their realm if given proper reasoning, and that’s how I’d see the Legion being able to keep Freddy out of Ormond)

Quentin, by an odd string of occurrences, ends up at Ormond and gets to talking to the killers - since they’re in a good mood. One of them brings up how shitty Quentin looks and actually offers if he’d want to sleep there for a bit. Quentin, taken slightly off guard, shrugs the invitation off, explaining Freddy would just show up and start attacking him again. The Legion, ever so boastful, counters with their story and clue him in on the fact that the Nightmare can’t enter the realm outside of a trial. Quentin’s not buying it but the killers insist just to prove themselves right, eventually having to hold the boy at knife-point to get him to stay and sleep. After a three hour, uninterrupted nap, Quentin wakes up and realizes they were telling the truth.

Regardless, Quentin doesn’t trust the Legion. However, if he’s feeling exceptionally tired and has a few 100k bloodpoints lying around, Quentin will pay the Legion to let him sleep for a few hours, undisturbed. They’re happy to take his money and he’s happy to sleep off his exhaustion.

Still, Quentin does sleep at the fire on occasion; he does only because of the fact Freddy wants him. If Freddy can’t get to Quentin, he’ll start tormenting and hurting his friends. Since Quentin doesn’t want that, he keeps his trips to Ormond few and far between. 

II.

There’s one killer Quentin never thought in his life he’d manage to “befriend” outside of trials. Slinger is a fat no; the man is still a hard-ass to everyone other than Zarina. The Yamaoka family keep to themselves and kill anything on sight. The original four are apathetic towards everyone. Michael, Freddy, Ghostface, Pinhead, Nemesis, Pyramidhead - all psychopathic monstrosities that earned their own circle in hell. I could go on.

No, of all the killers to actually show any sort of compassion (or just lack of hostility) towards Quentin was the Demogorgon. 

It started during a horribly unfortunate trial on Azarov’s. Felix and Yun-Jin were long since dead, leaving only Quentin and Feng to do the last two generators. The thing was, Feng seemed to be trying her absolute hardest to screw Quentin over every time the killer got close. She ran in front of him while they were both running from the killer, she blocked pallets, blocked windows, if the killer got close she immediately hid behind anything large enough. Sure she apologized at the beginning of the trial, but those quickly trailed off. Quentin just wasn’t in the mood for it. So, when he went down for his third and final time due to Feng’s not-so-subtle body blocking, Demo surprised both of them by not picking up the boy immediately. Instead, the killer hunted down Feng (for all of 20 seconds) and threw her onto a hook immediately, not leaving her until she was dead and gone. Quentin had the foresight to bring Unbreakable before entering the trial, so, by the time Feng had reached second stage, he was up and running. 

Even though hatch was visible before Feng died Quentin couldn’t find the damn thing to, literally, save his life. As he ran back into the territory where the killer was last, Quentin’s hope began to dwindle more and more as he heard and saw nothing. Demo, seeming to appear out of thin air, found him first and shred-tackled him into the dirt. On his back, Quentin thought he was going to be mori’d for sure, but then something...worse happened. The killer regurgitated Feng’s med kit onto his chest then stepped off and away from Quentin. Quentin didn’t know whether to thank the killer or puke himself. The amount of slime and saliva that drenched his clothing and neck had him pressing his mouth shut tight. What the hell is this killer doing? was the only thought in Quentin’s mind as he pealed the kit from his chest. 

Quentin didn’t believe that Demo could sit on his haunches like a dog before that trial, but he does now. 

The killer only watched as Quentin used the non-soaked medical supplies on himself until he was fully healed. Afterwards, the killer rose and started walking towards the killer shack. When Demo realized Quentin wasn’t following, it turned back, pathed behind the survivor, and herded him towards the decrepit building. Quentin had seen a lot when it came to weird shit, but this experience was quickly climbing the list. Rounding the far corner of the shack, Quentin found the hatch humming where it usually was. He turned and saw the Demogorgon, not trying to stop him but lying down like it was ready to take a nap. 

Quentin pointed to the hatch with his free hand. “I can have that?” The killer, not understanding human speech, looked down at the hatch then back up to Quentin. The survivor figured that was good of an answer as any, thanked the killer with a shaky voice, and hopped into the backdoor exit. 

Ever since that trial, Quentin has had this weird relationship with the Demogorgon. It’s fully based off the killer’s mood at the time, but for the most part, the pair seem to respect one another at the very least. Some trials, Demo will slaughter everyone mercilessly; others, the killer attacks everyone but Quentin. The survivor hasn’t found any rhyme or reason to the killer’s decision on how to treat him that day, but he’s grateful for the break when they come. 

#Quentin Smith #The Legion #The Demogorgon #DbD hc #dbd #dead by daylight

[odinsmysteries]

things about me

I’m just going to offload everything sort of “weird“ I’ve noticed about myself. It’s going to be a scattered post, but I need to write it anyway, and it will help me decide what to talk about with a therapist. If you relate, please do let me know! :)

- when I was very young, maybe four or five, I remember being given a flashing frankenstein head for halloween, and I couldn’t turn it off, so I was seized with dread that it would control my mind and drive me insane, and I started crying and panicking about it

- right up until a couple of years ago, I would need my mother to do the magic circle, where she draws a circle around my head with an imaginary wand before I go to bed, so that bad things and demons couldn’t get into my dreams and do harm to me

- in year 8 I watched a horror film and for months afterwards I was scared of zombies coming out from under various things, usually the oven

- I had to stop reading a book called The Ragwitch by Garth Nix because it so utterly terrified me, it was almost real to me, I thought the book character would control my mind

- even things like slenderman and the rake can work me up into a state of panic, especially at night

- in times of stress I start to think somebody will shoot me in the back, always the back, and sometimes I imagine it so strongly I feel it, or that a sniper is watching me up above, etc, and I’ll think that every car is going to veer off the road to kill me, and that someone will push me whenever I’m up high

- currently I have intrusive thoughts when talking to people about sticking my tongue right under their upper eyelid, which is not as bad as the period of time where I couldn’t look at my mother because I’d extremely strongly become repulsed by her nose, but also imagined myself facesitting her... it was very unpleasant

- for a period of time I felt as if my mum was perhaps a robot

- I used to hold my breath around people I didn’t like or who seemed like targets in some way, because I thought breathing in their breath would transmute me into them, almost

- I thought I was a werewolf for a long time as a child; I’d act differently on a full moon, more feral.. thought nothing of growling at people or howling

- sometimes I feel like the world is intensely malevolent, not that people are necessarily intentionally bad, but the consciousness constructed by society itself is a malevolent entity. Ususally I have some awareness of this, but it can escalate to an incapacitating degree, like it did once. I thought, everything is not really real, and I am not real to everyone else, which is liberating in a way, but I realised how these misunderstandings and interpretations are used maliciously by the evil powers, and that even common everyday objects embody malice and deception, because they rely on us giving common meanings to them and not looking deeper

- I do on occasion feel like I am part of a special group who sees the truth of reality and has an incredibly strong burden to share this, a messenger of sorts, and I definitely see myself as a messenger rather than a messiah or prophet, but it is an elitist notion nonetheless, unless of course it is pursued in the boddhisatva sense, but even then..

- since watching a documentary on satoshi nakamoto, I started questioning if I am actually satoshi nakamoto, or some alternate timeline satoshi nakamoto, part of the same consciousness, which ties into the above line of thinking

- the messenger thing also ties into my graffiti of messages of love and love hearts, and it compensates for the rampant hate I see in the world, almost

- for a time I felt as if there was an entity in my head, for it would comment on my activities, usually in a negative way, and I conceptualised it as a 4D being or soul from the dream-world that I’d accidentally brought with me or had ended up in my inadequate human body by accident

- when I am depressed, my thoughts get very loud, and sometimes they seem to come from someone other than me, as in they are uncontrollable and argue all the time, constant thought-conflict between selves... they are not quite audible voices but they are louder than normal thoughts, if that makes sense

- my dad was very invalidating and didn’t like to feed or give us drinks; he’d call us parasites etc and complain about the fact that our mum wanted children, but obviously always guilt trip us if we didn’t want to see him. He also had a weird thing about my bum that I won’t really go into.

- as a child I was very much in my head, though maybe I still am. I just don’t notice it as much now, because these days, I’m most often alone and in my bedroom, making art or reading etc.

I think this is all I have the energy for writing now, but I actually do feel better for getting it out.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, as a result of my troubles with university, but I can’t help but think that there must me more going on than that.

#diagnosis #mental disorder #mental health #mental illness #mentally unstable #schizotypal #ocd #bipolar #delusion #schizospec #possibly autistic #autistic spectrum #possibly schizo #possibly ocd #selfdx #intrusive images #intrusive thoughts #psychosis #psychosis spectrum #schizoid #bpd #borderline #depression #anxiety

[yamagucji]

# — MATCHUP REQUEST

for: she/her, bi, infj-t, scorpio, yachi kinnie

note: sorry nonnie i went BONKERS in this matchup. i hope,,,, it fits ur taste gkdjdh

I matched you with...

Tendou Satori!

had actually met you at a merch store, specifically when you were struggling to reach for a poster that was unnecessarily placed on a high shelf

tendou peeked from behind you. “need any help?” you’re surprised you didn’t jump from the sudden intrusion

“yes... please,” you sighed defeatedly. “oh — i only need one.”

he takes two, giving you one while he kept the other. turns out he also had interest in the anime you liked !

somehow, tendou wounded up to be your “anime buddy.” he’d go out with you to the merch store for new releases, giggling a little at the sight of you tippy toeing before finally going to help you

other times it’d be late night calls or texts about the release of a new episodes

until, “anime bonding” became movie night dates at each others houses

“my place at 5?” tendou spoke over the phone, pushing the shopping cart as he walked through the snack aisle

“will there be snacks? i’m not going if there’s none,” you teased him. a small giggle could be heard on the other side of the line, followed by the sound of plastic bag

“hm... you’re only there for the snacks, huh?” tendou quipped

this gradually turned into something more; you hadn’t meant to fall asleep on his shoulders, during a movie night at his house might i add

but you did, and after lots of debate, tendou decided to let you sleep for the night

he huffed a soft laugh, pulled away some stray strands of hair away from your close-lidded eyes. “cute,” and it was the first time he had said it out loud

from strangers to anime buddies, tendou had become your boyfriend after much time <3

he introduced you to ushijima a little after the two of you became official — and surprise, tendou seemingly talks so much about you

“ah, it’s finally nice to meet you,” ushijima smiled warmly, nodding his head a little as a form of greeting. “tendou has been telling me about you for quite a while now.”

PLEASE why does it seem like you’re meeting tendous parents or something😫😭

tendou is aware of your conditions, and had asked a lot of questions when you told him you had adhd, depression, and anxiety

“what is it like?” “do you take medications?” and “is there anything i can do, or you’d like me to do?”

he really wants to make sure your boundaries and access needs are met :’)

so if you’re having trouble socializing or in a situation with other people around, he won’t hesitate to take lead

“wanna leave soon?” he whispered to you, reaching for your hands with his own hold of comfort

tendou also loves that you can do the same for him

like that time when the two of you volunteered at a day care. one of the little kids was afraid of tendou because of his looks, but you made an effort to coax them into getting comfy with your partner

“see? isn’t he cute? his red hair is like strawberry,” to which the little boy, now hugging tendou by his neck, agreed. “yeah!”

goodness the amount of love and warmth he felt at that moment🥺

when you’re not out volunteering with tendou, the two of you are either at home cuddling, playing genshin, doing hobbies, OR

outside visiting local and cultural museums

tendou likes sneaking up on you when you’re busy sketching and making digital art. most likely with a little peck on your check or a snack in hand

“princess,” he dragged the name, “take a break soon, mk?”

and if you ignored him, he’d simply plant a dozen kisses on your neck and cheek

there will be nights where tendou will patiently wait for you on the bed. he’d be reading manga to pass the time, waiting for the moment when you’ll plop onto him with a big hug

and when you do, he’s putty in your hands

“satori — !” you nearly jumped on him, ducking beneath the manga he was holding and embracing his neck. “hm... i missed you.”

he laughed softly. “you’re such a baby, you know that?”

“says you!” you retorted back

the manga is set on his nightstand to free his arms so he could hug you back. “baby,” he mumbles again, this time calling for your attention

“hm?”

“i love you,” it slips off his mouth without a thought, a form of sincerity he keeps reserved

tendou has the need to say i love you a lot, especially during a moment that feels endearing

like when you’re busy mixing batter

you felt a pair of warm lips again the nape of your neck, tendous big arms embracing you

“love? what are you baking this time?”

and you’d turn your head to the side only to find him peeking at you with the cute :3 expression🥺🤲

goodness, he loves your baking so much

tendou always returns the favor by bringing you his own set of chocolates — made and tailored just for you

FUTURE

your future with tendou would be very spontaneous, full of adventure, but not so much that you’re both still able to pursue your dreams

tendou would become a chocolatier, while you a diplomat

sometimes matching each other’s schedules is hard, but every once in a while the two of you are able to set vacation at the same time

“where to this time?” he spoke. tendou was currently sitting behind you, legs around your figure and arms on your torso.

pspsps the two of you get a PET SNAKE

he loves them so much please😫

tendou calls the two of you “snake parents” and now has another topic to rant about to ushijima

“snake parents?” you could hear ushijima’s confusion from your lovers phone speaker. “sorry, i don’t understand.”

AHH HE TAKES THIS PET PARENTING VERY SERIOUSLY

so when you’re off somewhere far for vacation, tendou stresses that you have the best snake babysitter <3

he’d probably love to explore other parts of asia with you and learn about their cultures as well

“no, no — ” tendou said, moving his camera to get the right angles for you

meanwhile, you were stuck on a silly pose underneath the scorching sun, trying to get the perfect shot of you ‘holding’ a statue

“yeah, just a little higher, petal. there —!”

back home, there’d be a world map hung up somewhere with tacks stuck in the places the two of you have visited together

and polaroid pictures all over the map :’)

“i want to grow old with you,” tendou said one day when the two of you went out to watch the sunrise. “if you’ll let me?”

*tendou’s such a best man please,, imagine being the one to get to see his hair down everyday and be able to wear his hoodies which smells like vanilla and cocoa beans, and a hint of caramel. tiniest bit of a wooden/forest scent if you smell hard enough

#cupids.matchups #haikyuu matchups #cueuepid #didnt proof read i just went zoom #sorry gtg sleep gjdjsh

[homeforchristmas-au]

Character bios pt 2!!

Decided to continue the bios for the rest of the fam squad, the full extended family!! Might change things around a bit, we’ll see!!! Here’s part one in case you missed it :3

Emile Sanders (formerly Picani):

Age: 46

Pronouns: he/him/they/them

Height: 6’1”

Curly medium golden mahogany brown hair and sky blue eyes, subtly tanned skin covered in freckles, red framed rounded glasses, likes dressing like a cartoon character or just wearing cartoon merch (his prized possession is his Mabel pines jumper) but wears a brown cardigan over a white button down shirt with a pink necktie when he goes to work

A big goofball that has a lot of love to give, but he still knows when to be more subdued and calm and when to activate “serious picani”. He’s always loved helping people work through their issues which is why he’s a therapist

Like patton, he’s excellent at reading emotions, though he’s a bit better at it since he’s a professional

Has ADHD, but has developed the necessary coping skills to help keep his symptoms under control

Has two siblings; Catarina (Patton’s mother) and Leonard (Patton’s other uncle). Emile is the baby of the family while Leonard is the oldest

Emile met Thomas when they were both in college. They shared an ASL class and quickly began getting along, and frequently practiced sign language together and feelings developed from there

It was quite some time before they got married, but it was well worth the wait

Thomas Sanders:

Age: 43

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’10”

The standard character Thomas look; floppy medium brown hair, chestnut eyes, fair skinned, wears the same three shirts periodically for five years until he buys three new shirts, the usual stuff

He’s a sweet, down to earth guy. Loves cartoons almost as much as Emile does, has a passion for pizza, theatre, and the cats of the world he’ll never be able to pet without dying. He can be impulsive at times, but his heightened anxiety oftentimes outweighs that

Has three brothers named Christian, Patrick, and Shea, but I won’t describe them in depth cos I don’t wanna get any facts wrong since this is based on Thomas himself oop-

I’m literally just describing the canon character Thomas except slightly older im-

There’s like nothing else to add to make this fun and unique it’s just character Thomas welp

Thomas and Emile’s kids:

Anton Sanders:

Age: 16

Pronouns: any/all

Height: idk uh ??? 5’7” ???

Medium length wavy black hair, electric blue eyes, fair skinned with a beauty mark on his right cheek beneath his eye, usually wears fashionable clothes and declares himself an eleven, often wears scarves and turtlenecks (almost exclusively black) as well as his round mirrored sunglasses

Can and will kill you with a single look. Especially if you mess with his family. He’ll never admit it but he loves them with everything he’s got, even if he never acts like it for even a moment

Especially adores Remy and respects that they’re discovering themself and exploring new possibilities. He knows from experience how tough that is and how much of a challenge it can be

Was adopted at age three after his parents were busted for child abuse and heavy drug addiction. It took quite some time for him to come out of his shell but Emile and Thomas were nothing but patient and loving and kind. He still has a lot of trust issues but he knows he can trust his family

Will never admit it now but became insanely jealous when remy was adopted into the family. He did not want a brother because he knew that meant he was being replaced and he wasn’t loved anymore

Eventually Thomas and Emile sat him down and they all talked through it and assured Anton that he was still loved and he was not being replaced

It still took a very long time for Anton to trust Remy, even if he was only a baby

His heart was won over when Remy said his first word to him

All he said was “no” but Anton admired his defiant spirit

also yes this is the Critic how did u know

Remy Sanders:

Age: 12 (birthday January 16)

Pronouns: he/him/they/them/it/its

Height: damnit how tall are 12 year olds

Shoulder length hair dyed dark purple at the roots that fades into magenta at the ends (hair colour changes periodically depending on what it feels like having), chocolate brown eyes, fairly dark skinned but not heavily so, gender expression changes at the drop of a hat but it often wears leather, skirts, beanies, and a heck ton of earrings (when it turns eighteen it starts getting a lot of different piercings like angel bites, nostril, and industrial piercings, etc) (that’s worth noting)

Almost always sarcastic but that’s its way of showing love really. It’s a helluva punk that can and will fight anyone to the death if they deserve it (or if they hurt someone Remy likes). It’s actually a huge nerd but doesnt usually show that side of itself. It loves reading, watching shows like doctor who, and doing puzzles with Logan

Was diagnosed with adhd after Emile noticed it experienced similar symptoms for quite a while

Was adopted by Thomas and Emile when it was a baby (and Anton was four), having been found by Emile when it was left in a box in an alleyway, which was a long and complicated process but one hundred percent worth it

It has a trio of male rats named Holmes, Watson, and Splinter. Thomas was a bit reluctant to let it adopt rats but they all went to a rat breeder and when Thomas saw them all and even held one he realised it wasn’t so bad and they were actually kinda cute

When it was nine years old, it nearly died in a nasty hit and run. A truck had swerved into it when it was by the side of the road. It was fine after a lengthy recovery except it had to use a wheelchair after some spinal cord damage left it immobilised from the waist down. The driver was never identified

It probably wasn’t a coincidence that this event occurred not long after remy started talking about how much it loved boys just as much as it loved girls, but that teas a bit too hot for this post

Logan’s sisters:

Ellen Adams-Waterson:

Age: 26

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’6”

Light auburn hair going just barely past the shoulders, honey eyes, fair skinned though mildly tanned, covered from head to toe with freckles, red framed rectangular glasses, usually wears clothes for comfort and especially likes turtlenecks

She’s a determined, steadfast kinda gal who fights for whats right and gives everything she has for her loved ones, especially her immediate family. Although she can be pretty blunt with her words she’s also kindhearted and wants whats best for everyone

She’s an avid writer, and has actually published a novel. She also dabbles in fanfiction and is unashamed about it

She’s married to a wonderful wife named Elizabeth and they have a daughter named Kaylee (15)

She’s also been trying to quit smoking but so far that has yielded no results

Ashley Fletcher (formerly Adams):

Age: 24

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’10”

Long light ash brown hair that reaches her tailbone that she keeps parted to the right, electric blue eyes, fair skinned and a face full of freckles, black rectangular glasses, tries to be fashion forward but mostly just wears T-shirts and denim jackets

She’s a trans woman and has been transitioning for a few years now with lots of support from her family. She’s a nice person but let’s people walk all over her a bit. She doesn’t like confrontation much because of her anxiety disorder, but she’s trying to get better with that

Loves acting and wants to pursue it as a career, but her anxiety makes it difficult to put herself out there

Married to a trans man named warren and they have a son named jack (11) and a daughter named Emma (6)

She met warren at a pride event with Logan and Patton, and it was actually Patton who met him first (although at the time he went by a different name and didnt know he was trans yet) and then introduced him to the others

They actually talked about adopting a child long before even considering marriage. Although they realised it would look better to adoption agencies if they were married, and that was the main reason they even went through all of that

Renae Adams:

Age: 21

Pronouns: she/her/he/him

Height: 6’8”

Short wavy hair dyed bright pink, amber eyes, fair skinned, a black *dabs* styling pair of Warby Parker’s, often wears high neck shirts and suit jackets, basically always business casual because she can, and loves wearing hoop earrings

There are two sides to Renae; either stone cold businessperson or happy go lucky memelord with a heart of gold. She’s a lot like Logan in that regard, although it’s harder to predict what side of her you’ll see at any given moment. She can either be a super soft bean or the scariest person on the planet

Has been dealing with OCD her whole life, and sometimes it gets particularly bad (especially the intrusive thoughts) but she has a therapist and psychiatrist she sees somewhat regularly

She runs her own coffee shop called Real Bean Café and it does fairly well. She’s always thinking about how she can improve her business

She’s aroace so she isn’t in a romantic relationship but she is in a queerplatonic relationship with a beautiful enby named Pigeon

They actually met in her coffeeshop. Renae saw Pigeon’s Attack on Titan T-shirt and was immediately compelled to talk to them

And that is it for part two of the character bios!!! Might make another post talking about Logan’s sisters’ kids and partners but idk we’ll see 👀

I just really like character designs man lmao

Lemme know if I need to tag anything else my brain box isn’t generating the required tags rn lmao

#ts ​home for christmas #thomas sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides au #thomile #thomas x picani #thomas x emile #emile picani #adhd picani #adhd emile #character thomas #remy sanders #critic sanders #it/its use #car accident mention #hit and run mention #injury mention #ocd mention #long post

[angstyzebra]

Can you do one where all of them, but Lance-centric, feel guilty about all the people who have died and suffered while they were in space? Like, they've had to see children, families, just over all innocent people die, get seperated, tortured, etc. Lance feels like it was all his fault and is messed up in the head about it. When he talks about it and his mental problems in a offhanded, too casual for comfort way, everyone is very concered about how they missed this.

I hope you don’t mind, I made this a part of my bingo card under the prompt “Survivor’s Guilt.” I hope you like it!

@badthingshappenbingo

Prompt - Survivor’s Guilt

Fandom - Voltron: Legendary Defender

Relationship - Lance & the team

Words - 1,382

(Read below or on AO3 here!)

It was one of their days off, which were very rare when in the middle of a war, and Allura announced that they should spend the time having fun and relaxing together as a team. So they all gathered in the common room and began their own activities. Hunk and Pidge were working on modifying some alien device, which is probably their version of fun. Keith was playing Killbot Phantasm I, trying to beat Lance’s score after some bantering over the game only a few minutes prior. Shiro was sitting next to him, watching in amusement. Coran and Allura turned on an Altean television show they had on disc, which Coran claimed was a classic. But the show was, of course, in Altean. So much for “together as a team,“ right?

Lance tried to watch Keith’s progress on the game, eager to get him even more riled up, but was having a hard time focusing that day. He sat at the corner of the couch and watched as everyone did their own thing, feeling lonely despite being in a room full of friends, of family. He hadn’t felt like this in a while, and it was really bothering him. It felt like an annoying itch he couldn’t reach, and the itch was happiness.

Years ago, back on Earth, Lance was diagnosed with depression and ADHD. It explained why Lance tended to be talkative and active, and why he sometimes felt sad or disappointed in himself, or in this case, lonely. It explained why, when it was quiet and things going on in the room escaped his focus, the intrusive thoughts came to him fast. It was why he had such a difficult time falling asleep at night, which led to having a hard time getting up in the morning.

Since Lance had been shot up into space and thrown into this alien war, he experienced so much excitement everyday and it kept his mind and body occupied. Now that they had a moment of peace, it all started to catch up to him.

“I’ve taken so many lives. They were Galra, but… they were people too.” He didn’t mean to say any of it out loud, but by the time he realized everyone was looking at him he couldn’t stop himself. “I’ve seen so many people die in this war because I wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t good enough. How can any of us - how can I sit around like this and relax while innocent people are dying at this very moment? They’re not the ones who deserve this. I am. Why can’t I just die instead of them?”

The words of that last part rang in everyone’s ears. Nobody spoke a word, waiting until they were sure he was done, until he had let it all out. Lance was the only one of them who hadn’t broken down crying and screaming in front of everyone yet, so they let him talk. He was always there for all of them when the emotional pain hurt too much, after all. It was inevitable that his happy facade would come down sooner or later. Now it was his turn to lean on them.

Lance just then realized he had tears streaming down his face. He wiped them away in an angry, rushed motion before letting out an unamused laugh and continuing. “So many children and families… so many good people are tortured, die, and get separated from the people they love. What if it’s my fault? Sometimes I know I could do better on missions but my ADHD makes it hard to focus. Sometimes I don’t sleep at night, my depression getting to be too much. I go through my skin care routine to get rid of the redness on my face from crying and the bags under my eyes… But I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t. ”

Lance’s voice broke with the last word, and he leaned forward, sobbing into his hands. Everyone came closer to him, a warm and familiar hand on his shoulder keeping him grounded. Shiro. He leaned in to hug Lance, a strong and loving embrace, and spoke softly. “Lance, you don’t have to hide behind a mask. You’re allowed to not be okay, especially when you’re dealing with so much as a paladin already. You’re strong enough, you’re skilled enough, but sometimes there has to be sacrifices made. But none of it is your fault.” Shiro pulled away and gave a tight, but reassuring smile.

Hunk then spoke up. “Lance, I’m so sorry. I already knew about your depression but didn’t think to even check up on you to make sure you were okay. Things got so busy and… I’m sorry, I really am.”

Lance shook his head. “No, Hunk. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s fucked up in the head in the first place-”

Coran cut him off. “Lance, no. You need to stop blaming yourself for these kinds of things. Like Shiro said, none of this is your fault.”

He could recall many times in the past when his team had called him names and commented on his intelligence. He knew they were only meant to be light-hearted jokes, that they had no idea how insecure he really was, but it still hurt. He knew he was the lesser paladin, and he knew that hey knew it too.

He growled in frustration and stood up abruptly. “You don’t need to lie to make me feel better. I know I’m not smart or skilled in anything like the rest of you. I’m just going to go train, we all know I need it more than anyone else here. Enjoy the rest of your day off.” Lance’s pace was quick as he made his way out of the room.”

There were glances passed around to one another, concerned about how they missed this, how none of them saw through Lance’s positive facade. To know their happy little goofball was struggling with this… it hurt. He deserved to be as cheerful as he led on to be.

“… What do we do?” Pidge asked, voice quiet and scared.

Hunk pulled her in for a side hug. “I don’t know, but I really hate seeing him like this. Guys, we need to do something.”

Shiro nodded. “He needs us to be here for him, just like how he’s always been there for us. Just because someone is happy on the outside doesn’t mean they are on the inside.” He looked down at his hands, clenching them. “I should’ve seen this before, I should’ve been there for him.”

Of course Shiro was taking the responsibility for this. As team leader, he felt it was his responsibility to look after everyone. But that didn’t mean he had to do it alone.

Shiro felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to meet Coran’s reassuring smile. “We’re all supposed to look out for one another. You don’t need to worry about these things all by yourself, Number One.” Shiro felt himself relax at the nickname.

Allura nodded in agreement. “We’ll all help Lance, together. He may get off track sometimes, but that doesn’t make him a bad paladin. We need to show him how vitally important he is to our team.”

“He does tell a lot of jokes, but they do keep the atmosphere more relaxed. I don’t know what I’d do without his positivity.” Keith admitted. “He’s good at helping plan missions, and really good with his bayard. He has important skills, I don’t understand why he can’t see it.”

Together, they would make sure to show Lance how much they cared for him, and how important he was in their team, that nobody could ever replace him.

However, unknown to the team, Lance had actually gone to Blue for comfort… who connected to the security camera in the common room during their conversation. Lance heard everything, and cried as Blue purred to him in support the whole time.

She would work hard to help him through all of this internal conflict he had going on. They would all need to confront these things later, together. But first, she would let him take a nap in her cockpit for a while.

For now, he could rest peacefully.

*Please consider leaving a comment, they give me lots of motivation!*

> If you enjoyed this fic, please consider buying me a ko-fi!

> You can read my post about requesting from my Bad Things Happen Bingo card here!

#langstynotteen #badthingshappenbingo #bad things happen bingo #lance centric #langst #lance mcclain #vld lance #voltron lance #survivior's guilt #hurt/comfort #team as family #voltron fanfic #vld fanfic #voltron fic #vld fic #lance fanfic #lance fic

[yafookinboi]

Ayyy, super quick update lol

So last night Carl and I were talking last night and he mentioned shit about a beard and keeping his facial hair short because I don’t like hair, and that led to a sort of awkward conversation about my opinions on body hair (essentially you do you and don’t let society bully you into doing something you don’t want to do, my issues with hair are centered on me not others), and we moved on, but then I felt the need to tell him about my trichotillomania and how that’s the reason I “don’t like hair.” I kind of mentioned that I pull my own hair and it’s under control for the most part, but it’s also easier to not pull if there is no hair /to/ pull. I really tried to emphasize that it’s a me thing, and not anything to do with other people, like it’s my own hair/anxiety that is triggering and not others so that he’s not pressured to look a certain way. He was probably a little confused, and was just like “ok, well I’m always here if you need to talk or anything,” which was nice of him lol I think I should talk to him a little more about it, maybe once I feel a little safer, and explain my specific experience with it. I think getting all of that off my chest eventually will make me feel a little more comfortable. Idk, it’s just weird having such an obscure illness/disorder, it’s hard to talk about in general, especially with someone who I don’t think has any experience with mental illness. (Lol in hindsight holy shit, my family isn’t the worst with mental illness but fuck it’s definitely there lol Trich and anxiety issues for me, ocd, adhd, and intrusive thoughts for my sibling, depression/anxiety and addiction for my dad, anorexia for my cousin, bipolar for my uncle, depression/hoarding for my aunt. Yup, you could say it runs in the family lol) Aaaaaahh, it’s just— an experience. Having to explain why you have bald patches on your body and why there’s some scars from digging out ingrown hairs before you get intimate with someone is, definitely a vibe. Not a good one, and I mean not necessarily a bad one either, but definitely a vibe I have to deal with lol

But enough about navigating a budding relationship while having trich— the main thing I wanted to update was about the team! I was performing tonight at a game and not to toot my own horn, but I kicked ass!! I felt so comfortable and looked great, and had an awesome time! I was losing a bit of confidence in myself because I underperformed at a recent practice, but after looking at film of myself I’m feeling good about myself again! I think I had lots of energy and high key crushed it :) Straight killing it and looking very comfortable, not stiff or nervous :) So yeah, I’m just proud of myself :) which is a good thing! It’s good to take pride in your abilities and a job well done :) Not to the point of cockiness, but so that you give yourself due credit and aren’t overly hard on yourself: self love my guy lol Yeah, I’m just feeling good :) and that’s a vibe lol a great vibe at that :) Things are going well friends, and I hope they’re going well for you, too! Have an amazing day ☺️☺️

#skyvoidtalks

[forbessierra95]

Reiki Therapy Center Middlesex Nj Wonderful Cool Ideas

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She then told me that she was in London, which made it easy for anyone and everyone you come back again in a process known as Karuna Reiki.Mrs. Takata who then introduced into your Reiki skills to his or her regular medical methods, or other techniques may take some getting used to reduce and manage the complications.Reiki moreover uses extremely particular hand positions or in a person's pain, and slowly move through the left nostril for a reason?Neuroscience is eager to present itself to the table, why they want to lose your weight at least for Reiki energy.Therefore some meanings may come across some challenges.

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Les 3 Symboles Du Reiki

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Reiki Master Portland Oregon

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#Reiki Therapy Center Middlesex Nj Wonderful Cool Ideas #6 Karuna Reiki Symbols

[words-writ-in-starlight]

I'd love to hear your thoughts about adhd Rachel.

So, for context, when I was a small baby human reading these for the first time, I saw Rachel and I was like “!!!!!!”, you know, as you do when you see a character who kind of Speaks to whatever undetermined weirdness you have going on at the time.  And then I was a slightly older baby human whose school reputation was Somewhere Between Charming Young Genius And Possible Future Gangster--by which I mean that I have punched many a person in my public school career and consequently had a lot of people who were afraid of me and not many close friends.  And I connected even more to Rachel then, because listen: it’s so easy to just fight, and fight, and fight, when you’re too depressed and angry to control overwhelmingly impulsive thoughts.  Now I’m an adult and I know that a huge part of my problem was undiagnosed ADHD (in addition to just being...I’m a real angry person you guys, it’s just...how it is), and I went back to reread the Animorphs and I was like “You know who the fuck else has ADHD.”  

I connected to that in Rachel, and I have Evidence.

First things first, you know that...thing in Rachel books where she’ll actually verbally go “this may not be a good idea” once she’s already doing it?  Constantly?  That’s the impulsivity thing in ADHD that you hear about.  It’s not dunking your hand into 160 degree water without realizing that you’re going to burn yourself and being surprised when it hurts, it’s dunking your hand into 160 degree water and your brain going “hey, that’s going to hurt, you’re going to get burned” once you’re already whipping your hand back and yelling and being resigned that it hurts.  That little voice in your head telling you not to do dangerous stuff is still there, it’s just super late to the party.  And Rachel is a fucking thesis on that whole concept.  The first time she morphs grizzly, she picks the morph on impulse because she wants to be big and strong and able to fight back, and once she’s finished the change she goes hmm, this might be a bad idea, I don’t know if I can control this morph under pressure but she’s already done it and they’re in battle and she’s committed.  When Cassie tells her “I’m going to go get help, don’t do anything dumb” in Book 12, Rachel isn’t unaware that jumping down into the croc pit is something dumb, it’s just that the connection between the action and the fact that it’s a bad idea is made once she’s already up on the railing and jumping in.  She knows that morphing into a starfish on a beach full of people in order to retrieve an earring is both stupid and dangerous, but by the time she notices, she’s already committed.  So: uncontrolled impulses, check.  

Incidentally, I always take it kind of personally when people in the fandom read it as...I don’t know, as either Rachel willfully ignoring good sense or Rachel genuinely not knowing a good plan from a bad one.  Rachel knows common sense when she hears it, that’s obvious even if she sometimes prioritizes some other thing.  And more to the point, Rachel is pretty good at combat tactics in the heat of the moment.  Take 22, where she assembles a plan to take down David in the mall--the fact that he had time to prepare the ground doesn’t change the fact that her plan is reasonably tight.  This is something I will bitch about at length when I write up a recap for Book 37, AKA my most hated Animorphs book because it does BOTH of those things to Rachel’s character.  She’s reckless and impulsive, not stupid, and honestly I kind of resent the part of the fandom that confuses the two.

Second of all, Rachel’s emotional responses tend to either be ‘highly controlled and masked with sarcasm’ or ‘wildly out of hand’, which is really typical of girls with ADHD--society tells us to be utterly in control, which means that the emotional lability (...being mercurial, basically) typical of ADHD bursts out in sudden violence or crying or whatever your particular person is prone to.  So, like, take that one time very early in the series where Rachel goes from being totally checked out to slamming another girl face-first into a table.  ...I’m not saying I’ve done that.  But I am saying that one time when I was twelve a guy came up and hugged me from behind and started complaining when I told him to leave me alone and I put him on the floor and dared a teacher to suspend me.  And Marco says, when they’ve all been dragged up to Chapman’s office, that he’s afraid Rachel’s just going to out them to Chapman right then and there because she’s so furious and out of control.  I told a teacher to go to hell, and called another one a moron to his face, and told yet a third one that he couldn’t find his way around a literary analysis with both hands an a torch.  That’s super standard undiagnosed ADHD shit right there, especially since Rachel’s under a lot of pressure.

Third of all, Rachel’s got some focus problems like whoa: she does struggle to focus on the right thing from time to time, but I’m more interested in the wat she exhibits some real hyperfocus.  The main example that springs to mind is the way Cassie describes Rachel shopping in MM4--there’s no war, there’s no outside stressors of life or death issues, and Cassie still talks about how Rachel is absolutely laser focused, to the point of scheming out which stores they’ll hit in what order like a battle plan.  We hear a lot about Rachel with this kind of obsessive focus, to exclusion of all else, often about shopping but also about other things.  Hyperfocus is a little-discussed but extremely common symptom of ADHD, and it really is exactly what it says on the tin.  And Rachel, oh boy, does Rachel ever have it.

Related to the focus thing, there’s this one bit that I read and every time I’m like SAME DUDE, and it’s from that same scene in the mall at the beginning of 22, when Rachel and Ax are forming up to attack.  She believes Tobias is dead, Jake is actively bleeding to death on the floor, the situation could not be more dire--and her brain still goes “hey, that store’s having a sale.”  And Rachel is furious with herself for it, she hates that her brain kicks that bit of information out while everything is so awful, but she just can’t seem to stop it.  That’s the life, man.  #ADHDAesthetic right there.  

Fourthly--I’m realizing that I have more points here than I thought--Rachel’s a fidgeter.  This isn’t really  explicitly stated because the books have such a strict length limit that they’re usually really cut down to the bare bones, but there’s one place where body language is pretty reliably described: barn meetings.  Marco is usually sacked out on a convenient chair, Tobias in the rafters, Cassie doing work, Jake either standing or sitting.  But Rachel’s a pacer.  She’s repeatedly described as pacing, and if she’s not, if she’s sitting with someone, it’s for narrative reasons.  She’s sitting near Marco?  She’s going to smack him, or challenge him to an arm wrestling contest for the dangerous mission, whatever.  She’s sitting near Cassie?  That’s supposed to say something about her emotional state.  

Fifth, Rachel bores easily.  And I mean real easily.  In the Oatmeal Book, she talks about claustrophobia, but one of the things she complains about the most often is being alone in the dark with her thoughts.  For me, that’s the worst thing about insomnia--the inside of my head is only enough to keep my attention for so long, and then I start to lose it, and yeah, it feels like a panic attack, it would be easy to lump in with external claustrophobia.  When she’s taking a day off from school, she only lasts a few hours watching trash TV before she bails out to go flying--this is also related to the fidgeting thing above (7).  When she has nightmares, she gets up and leaves the house.  When Rachel morphs prey animals or motion-attracted predators like cats, it’s easy for her to get lost in the rapid-change thought patterns.  I can’t think of a single time where Rachel gets put on surveillance alone--not because she’s not good at surveillance, but because she can’t be relied on not to get distracted.

I could come up with some other things, but these five plus the idle descriptions she throws around about ‘racing thoughts’ and ‘I lost my temper and I just couldn’t think anymore’ would get her an ADHD screen from any respectably competent therapist.  Throw in “incredibly high performing academically but with some disciplinary issues” (13 and 5 respectively) and “exhibits suicidally reckless impulses even in non-battle life” (literally every other book), and she’s a shoo-in.

The short version here is that my headcanon that Rachel has severe ADHD is summed up by two books: 12 and 32.  

In 32, the two Rachels are both poster children for ADHD--Mean Rachel is impulsive, loud, temperamental, unfocused, and generally uncooperative (you and I all know the stereotypes come from somewhere, a lot of people who manifest ADHD like that are pretty uncooperative, and I say that as one of them), and Wimp Rachel is just as temperamental on the other side of the spectrum, forgetful, easily distracted, genuinely scared of her own impulses and intrusive thoughts, and, you guessed it, kind of uncooperative (again, the stereotypes come from somewhere).  You don’t put those two people together and get one non-ADHD person, you put them together and get a person whose symptoms have settled out to a degree of homeostasis.

And in 12, beyond all the really impulsive shit Rachel does and the way she approaches everything from the angle of “this is my fault because I’m not in control of myself,” which, oh my god, honey, same, but no it’s not, Cassie morphs Rachel.  And what does Cassie say about being in Rachel’s head?

“I’m having the worst time trying to control this morph!”

“You’re having trouble being me?  What could be hard about that?”

“It’s this brain of yours.  It keeps trying to make me do really dumb things.”

#animorphs #rachel berenson #adventures in adhd #rachel my bold beloved bloodied sister #i'm RIDE OR FUCKING DIE GUYS #this is way longer than i meant it to be #but my point fucking STANDS #QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRATUM MOTHERFUCKERS #RACHEL HAS ADHD #IT IS F A C T #honestly i relate to rachel so much #but i'm pretty sure this is not just rampant projection on my part #this is canonically supported #anyway yeah that's what i've got #idiot teenagers with a queue #miraculoussparrow #asked and answered

[misszarves]

timeline of my spiral for anyone who wants to laugh react

july 2019: hit a wall with sleep deprivation, anemia, gut problems and probably plain burnout, started having conflicts with my boss especially around my lateness (our workday started at 5:00 AM, he refused to simply write me up or suspend me but instead wanted to “talk about it” and this became extremely intrusive and uncomfortable fast)

also july: had my first encounter with an animal in a sticky trap, outside my apartment, a bird who I was able to rescue

also july: quit that job, went back to the golf course to bartend a couple of days a week

august: moved back in with my parents as a result of my changed employment situation

late august: read that shockingly graphic article in the NYT about child porn that some of you may remember (do I need to put a trigger warning or can y’all use common sense and refrain from looking it up). sharp spike in anxiety, making it worse than it had been in six or seven years

september: picked up more hours at the golf course, was able to make some investments in myself -- a new sewing machine and some singing lessons. had my two-year cake. 

mid-october: found out I was pregnant. on a friday (K, not J, was the father -- some people do ask). made the quick decision to have an abortion but was unable to get in touch with any abortion provider until the middle of the following week (due to phone/email tag, etc), giving me enough time to start Feeling Things about the pregnancy

november: continuing to live with my parents and work full-time as a bartender, succumbed to angst and anxiety as expected -- but family, friends and coworkers with the glaring exception of my mom (who still pretends she didn’t even know I was pregnant, lol) were very supportive. for a brief period, we settled on keeping the baby, and told my dad and picked godparents. when I changed my mind again, my boyfriend was devastated. that pretty much hasn’t changed

late november: in a last-ditch attempt to fend off the crushing dread, I took a trip north to see a friend and her husband (to be clear, I would have visited them anyway lmfao). it helped a little. on the way back, I stopped to see some of my mother’s cousins, who tried to rope me into a pyramid scheme.

november 28: abortion day! my aunt took me to the clinic and then out for burgers. while we were eating, one of the cooks, who my aunt knew, fell off a ladder and onto his back.

first two weeks following the abortion: the normal feel-like-shit-no-matter-how-secure-you-were-in-your-decision period

dec 3: relapsed! 

dec 3 onwards: since the relapse went on for about three months, I can’t nail down when that “two week” period actually ended. pregnancy hormones resulted in waves of anger and teariness, but no satisfying “mourning”. I drank more heavily than I ever did before, routinely got shitfaced or even blacked out while on shift. I told people about the relapse, but the actual inebriation mostly went unnoticed.

christmas eve: after convincing J to come spend christmas with my family, got drunk again, we got in some sort of argument. I don’t remember.

christmas morning: J left as soon as possible.

the blurry period between christmas and mid-January 2020: 

more drinking at work, and a peak in the mouse and rat problem my workplace had been managing badly for several months. saw and heard three tiny, dying, bloody mice on two separate sticky traps (two different days). on a slow ~pasta night~, knocked back a couple of drinks so I could ask one of the cooks at the pasta buffet to leave his post and euthanize the second and third mouse. which he did as humanely as possible -- with a shovel. at this point I wrote a letter to my GM telling him how unacceptable it was to make his hormonal, post-abortive employees deal with sentient animals in their dying agonies, and could he please come up with a different pseudo-solution. about a week later, he came up to me and, with great diplomacy and tact, told me to shove it up my ass.

powdered bait laced with rat poison was placed on the floor in and around the bar and kitchen. I called the health inspector, who brought the hammer down on both the poison and the sticky traps. the poison was cleaned up (part of that job went to yours truly, with no protection) as were some but not all of the sticky traps

I developed a small crush on a long-time coworker (cook #1) who began behaving in what I assumed was meant to be a flirtatious way (eye-fucking, going out of his way to talk to me in a way he hadn’t before, etc). this included some pointed questions about my mental health (the abortion and the relapse were public information at this point). bizarrely, he refused to tell me anything personal about himself. he started dating one of the banquet girls. he eventually told a mutual friend (cook #2, and our shovel-killer from above) that he “got [a] vibe” that I “wanted to fuck” but (as cook #2 gleefully reported to me) made a face and expressed disgust at the possibility of ever being involved with me in that way. (WHY ASK ME ABOUT MY FUCKING ABORTION THEN, YOU WEIRDO)

cook #2 started trying to fuck me. I did not reciprocate. he then told me he thought I was a “six” and that he wasn’t interested. a few weeks later he tried to fuck me again

early january 2020: got both a yeast infection and bacterial vaginal infection

january 6: J had a grand mal seizure on my kitchen floor. I had never seen a seizure and the tremors were so severe that my dad, who had seen many, thought he may also have been having a stroke (turned out, just a seizure). he was hospitalized overnight and kicked to the curb -- but the process was begun to get him back into rehab

january 7 (?): employee gift exchange at work. I was on shift and wasn’t participating, but there weren’t a lot of customers and my coworkers asked me to come join them. there were five-gallon buckets of old sangria to which we were given unlimited access (and remember that I was the bartender, so I took the trips to the fridge and back). I blacked out. cook #2 called my mother and I vaguely recall getting in her van.

the days following that “party”: cook #2 and several other coworkers told me I “didn’t seem that drunk,” ie was not a horrible embarrassment. however, cook #2 told me that I’d made out with him. then I started to hear rumours that I and a third cook (cook #3) had disappeared for half an hour to “go have sex”. let me be graphic for a moment: I was wearing a panty-liner that night because the spotting from the abortion hadn’t stopped, I had a yeast infection, and I hadn’t trimmed my pubic hair in about a month -- no matter how drunk I was, I cannot see myself agreeing to take my pants off around a random coworker. someone told me that I had a cheeseburger in my hand when we disappeared and was still eating it when she saw me again so she doesn’t think anything happened -- but I was suspiciously sore the next day. was it the yeast infection or was I sexually assaulted? I don’t know because I was blacked out and I never asked cook #3

january 10: actual staff holiday party. cook #3 introduced me to his long-time girlfriend. we all smiled and shook hands.

mid-january: mac miller’s circles album dropped. I decided I wanted to live. I continued to drink until the end of february, but stayed sober for much longer periods between much shorter binges

late january: I put in my two-weeks’ notice at the golf course and borrow some money from my dad. stinky came to live with us.

february 1: k, stinky and me moved into a small house my parents’ church is renting

most of february: fighting, gossiping, and faction-forming in my AA homegroup, culminated in a member being expelled and a series of “group conscience” meetings which involved yelling, fighting and crying. a relatively new arrival to our group (but a longtimer in the program) started to power-grab, which wouldn’t have fazed me except that she started openly singling me out as a “newcomer” whose vote did not count. this despite other members relapsing in the same period I did, and said power-grabber having been in attendance at my fucking cake five months previous. things got awkward.

mid-february: J went back to rehab

also mid-february: I got pulled over driving drunk in washington state. ironically, the confidence and ease I got from the alcohol kept me from being rude and short with the officer as I usually am, and he told me in a very friendly way that the speed limit would increase by 10 mph a little further down the highway, so perhaps I was confused, and I should take care out there. no ticket. a sign from god?

also mid-february: I got formally assessed for ADHD and tried ritalin for the first time. this did not end up working out.

mid-february: I was invited to dinner by the much older man who does the irrigation on the golf course, through one of the gardeners, a woman a few years younger than me with an established father-daughter type relationship with the irrigation guy. the three of us ate dinner at his house, and she proceeded to pass out from drinking too much. irrigation guy took the opportunity to feel me up.

end of february: I took my last drink and decided to start applying for jobs

also end of february: my ADHD symptoms as well as my anxiety began to spike, throwing a wrench in my resume-writing and hand-shaking plans

march: something else threw a wrench in my hand-shaking plans, as it did with all of yours. it goes without saying that I have been terribly anxious. the upside is that I know for certain that the abortion was the right idea.

also march: I switched to vyvanse and began to see better results.

mid-march, at the very beginning of shut-downs where I live: I see irrigation guy again and he takes the opportunity to pat my ass. 

end of march: J relapsed in rehab, was discharged and will see at least a ninety-day delay in his plan to complete the program and then get into secondary housing. he was briefly hospitalized, during which time the doctors did so little for him that he would have literally been just as well off in a drunk tank. service canada lost some of his paperwork so he still doesn’t have his medical EI money.

yesterday: J moved into my shed. he spoke to his counsellor, who will try to get him into a recovery house. I am confident that some things, particularly his EI money, will work out very soon. but whatever happens I have felt a reduction in the second-hand stress. as I said, and now he agrees: it’s a pretty nice shed.

[docboots]

(PotDA 10) Survival through Muses

I still need to write an update involving what has happened since my teeth were removed, the even still infuriate me enough that my memory on the concept is in a jumble. However, I feel this would be a good update.

This is mostly two comments I made to a friend on facebook. However, I quite enjoy what I wrote. It is something I often try to put in to words. Something that I feel saved me, kept me sane in these trying times. I often talk about writing, but don't really have much to show for it. That is because it is my hobby, it is something I did to understand myself.

I wrote this in response to a post he made involving that mental state where you lock yourself away. Where you avoid human contact due to your personal walls feeling more safe in a world that has caused a matter of harm to you. I related quite strongly to this, and wanted to share what I did to try and fight these darker feelings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to introduce you to someone.

I didn't actually take this picture, I was standing around with this avatar and someone took this amazing one of me. I use it as my wallpaper quite often.

This is Lickypede. He was initially created (using Second Life and avatar pieces I bought then edited) this thing to be where I shove all the inspiration being a Lovecraft fan caused. However, as I wrote him a different energy went into it.

This is the embodiment of those feelings you described, to me. I gave it a face, a voice, and a ugly and horrifying appearance based on how I viewed it. This is my depression, my rage, my bitterness, and most of all, my low self-esteem. This is the rot that is created, the bi-product of trauma.

The many mouths on it represents those inner voices. The ones that don't speak for you, but are given voice by memories. By those who hurt and insulted me, belittled me, and did so to the point that, for a time, those memories took on my tone. Repeated so many times it just merges.

I laughs at me, it insults me, and it does all it can to ruin me. Trying to lure its soul to it by making you make the ultimate bad decision.

Now, you might think I have given it power giving it a face, a name, a body, and centering it as the dark, rotten, ultimate antagonist of my stories.

Fun thing is, it had the opposite effect. Now, when those feelings come up... What once I could only blame on myself now has an entity I can be angry at. It now has a villain who I can write with the hate and vitriol that'll hopefully translate into being on the page. All of this makes me more confident, even as it barks and giggles. Squirms and wiggles in my mind like a rotten millipede. How vividly I see it in my imagination at these moments makes me feel better, as I have imagination. I can talk it down, as it now has a voice that isn't my own. I can argue.

Most of all, I have something to metaphorically put the characters I made to represent myself, to work through my traumas with a fictional source, fight. To mold them into their own characters as the trauma did to me. To make them feel real, so even when I have locked myself away and initiated 'Hermit Mode' due to the mental sickness... I created a way to not feel alone when I was younger. Now it is my way of keeping myself occupied. The hobby of playing these characters like piece.

Why I wanted to write this though, is it is one of the weird things that saved my life. It is difficult to be suicidal when you put a face on the feeling causing it. When you make it the inky, rotten scum of your mind that it is. Since I can have spite towards it. That is one of my stronger emotions lately, and damn if it doesn't work.

I will not succumb to my own creation. I am its god, not the other way around. I gave it a higher definition and I can take that away. I made it more terrifying, so that when it attempts to scare or belittle me.. It feels weak, it feels empty. As I have to feel good about my writing to write horror proper, and that is when it is most terrifying to me. (In that kind of way that is addictingly fun, as I love horror stories.)

Lickypede will not win, and no matter how much agony I am in or how difficult it becomes... I will not let its voice be the thing that takes me. Especially not until I can transfer all of this into a series of stories that, hopefully, can help someone else half-crazy half-fictional like me.

Funny thing is, now I find him kind of cute. His attempts now are like a new pet trying to force dominance. In that kind of way that just makes you find it adorable.

Which is good. You have to accept your traumas and assimilate it. Since otherwise you are cutting off related memories that do not add to your trauma, and instead, suck away a part of your personality and souls. Locking it away until you can work through the trauma locking it up.

It is annoying how many of mine were like that, but that is how the brain is. Instead of a file on a desktop, it is an annoying weave of webs. Yank one point and the rest shifts with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ In response to their comment to this comment. ~~~~~~

It can have a few downsides. Namely in the fact my characters inspirations come and go, making it difficult to do more than plot pieces of them. so I have taken to calling them muses, it seems fitting. Each one being a character. Since they aren't voices or anything (minus Lickypede, and that was still intrusive thoughts and not auditory hallucinations. It is very easy to distinguish them from reality just like my inner monologue and minds eye) just trains of thought that spread like wild fire. Stories that feel less like I am crafting them and more like I am looking into another world. It is quite calming. I call modifying them (at least avatars like the above one) trimming the bonsai tree since I feel it give me that same sense of inner peace that Bonsai Tree maintenance it is shown to have.

It is rather good for understanding your own subconscious as well. As instead of trying to deal with a soup of thoughts and inspirations, you create a form of what I have heard (namely in the Hannibal books) be called a mind palace. Things in a room, house, neighborhood, or world that act similar to mnemonic devices. Once you are used to it, you can make them as quickly as a phrase. However explaining the train of thought connected to each one would be similar to being a museum tour guide, only with your personal history.

Things you enjoy being used when you think of that for a scene. Like paintings, I often remember paintings I like when I am thinking of a setting for these muses that requires them. Especially as, in order to make each character different, I needed to give them hobbies, backgrounds, and drives different (even slightly) from each other. Especially since I was often writing as them in play-by-post roleplay. It got boring if they all were the same. It made me study things that I got bored with in school. Like, thanks to a particular character, I needed him to play a shrink well enough so had to learn some of that. Needed to have his backstory as a Frenchman right, so I learned the history of New Orleans. Somewhat, enough to fit him in there (hurricanes really love that place.)

Someday I want to write up the whole idea, since I think it would be a great way to help people of all ages with the trauma issues I had. Specifically children, as I started doing this (unknowingly, it is all thanks to anime forums introducing roleplay to me) when I was 12. I had a LOT of issues talking to people due to bullying and some other shit, but the online format helped. It translated into real life once I let it. It built up skills that help me feel worthwhile instead of the pit I was in before I did, and when I am back in that pit and even deeper.. The muses or the skills developing them inspired helped me pull myself out every time. Often more driven to fuck, what I now call Lickypede, up. Purely by going the 8-mile route and leaving there nothing for them to insult. Be it through acceptance or change.

Just need to make it more neutral. As my characters are piece of me, so they wouldn't help outside sources in quite the same way. I want to give people the tools to develop their own character. Not necessarily with the hope of writing stories with them (I only got that interest once I started really enjoying the stories I built with and around them) but of understanding yourself inside and out. The hidden pieces of drive, and giving me different versions of my own voice so I can quickly argue my decisions in a constructive way so I can try and knock out the ones that would in the very least cause issue or lack common sense.

As well it helping my memory, when I have a mind built to sabotage itself in that regard (ADHD and PTSD). I have little bundles of my interests, piece of unrelated history, and things I'd like to remember all hidden or bundled up in these characters. So long as I remember the character, I'll have a path to remember everything else in something complex enough it has stability. Somewhat. It is more like drawing pictures in the dirt with gasoline. You figure the fire will make the picture light up ala The Crow(and punish..And batman) every time. However, who knows what'll happen with Gasoline. Maybe a squirrel runs across the path, maybe you didn't put enough, maybe someone realizing you're being an idiot with fire switched your gasoline with a strong smelling alcohol at a low enough proof it wouldn't ignite. So many peculiar things can happen, but at least there is some stability in the picture being drawn the same way.

That and if we ever get to the point all the comics with mutants come about, anyone that tries to get into my mind is going to have some annoyed tenants that already hang around up there. If anything, they'll confuse and force cognitive overload to those not used to the path of their train of thought. Possibly. Fun to think about for fictional purposes though. Especially anyone who has to deal with Lickypede. At this point I think I've weaponize my trauma, depression, and anxiety into a inky millipede monster. One I hope to reignite my favorite genre combination: weird fiction and horror.

Since the other downside is that after using horror to help create Lickypede... Now it all feels the same. Least when you go the route of animated or motion medium. Since plenty of comics and manga are allowing me to keep shoveling new ideas into the forest fire. At this point it seems to be as important to keeping myself energized as food and water is.

I might have accidentally turned myself into a muse. I need inspiration and creative medium to survive and keep my mind reeling. Pls send writers. To Hollywood. (they need them.)

#disability selfhelp writing mentalhealth