#I don't have social anxiety when it comes to talking to say. Workers in a store.

[sociallyawkwardseal]

I don't like using fandom wiki stuff (I use antifandom/breezewiki to read through the articles), but I noticed that the information on a character I Really love and adore was scarce compared to the deuteragonist. The fandom wiki was Unfortunately locked down so I couldn't just edit it then and there, so I ended up posting to the One Admin's wall asking if they would let me help out. Maybe that's rude or presumptuous. I don't know. Autism Moments. But uhmmm. Yeah.

#I don't have social anxiety when it comes to talking to say. Workers in a store. #Like... Scripted conversations? Where I'm ordering food? Or asking about where something is? #But casual/simple conversations like that? UHHHHH #I struggle to initiate Normal Conversations where there is 0 script. Shaky thumbs up. #ainsley.txt

[selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs]

Anime Convention (feat. someone real). Part I

Self-Aware! Flags x GN! Reader

Description: In small towns rumours spread like a wildlife. Especially in an age of Internet .

BSD Cast's presence in your life changed, how other people saw you. Not for the best.

Fears and anxiety eats you up. You are terrified of loosing your new friends, but also feel, that one day, you will be alone again.

After you loose your job, in combine attempt of cheering you up, learning more about real world and came in terms with having fans, Fitzgerald bought all of you a tickets to Anime Expo.

BSD Cast are existed and confused. They want to know, what are you afraid of.

You're nervous and excited. You afraid, that any moment you will make a fool of yourself and they will leave.

You simply hope, that everything will be fine.

Part I Description:

You are trying to get through work day, ignoring rude comments, coming from your co-workers.

Flags don't understand, what is happening to you, and why you allow others to harass you. Either way, they won't allow anyone to upset you.

Warnings: OOC. English is my second language. Forced loneliness in a crowd. (Reader want to have friends, but have troubles with making them). Insecurities (Reader are afraid of being laughed at). Low self-esteem (Reader are sure, that people will think, that they are boring and stupid).

Warnings for Part I: Harassment on a workplace. Fights. Being fired from job. Everyone think, that Reader pay BSD Cast for their help with their body.

| Interlude I| >

___________

Albatross's motorcycle dissapeared around the corner when you opened a café's door.

A familiar jingle of the bells greeted you, when you opened the Sunset Café's door.

Time for work.

You greeted your co-workers. As usual, they have ignored you. And send nasty and disgusted glares towards you, when you passed them.

You went straight to "Employee Only" room. As usual, you had to threw away nasty notes your co-workers put in your locker.

You, now in your uniform, stand behind the counter. As usual, you ignored the whispering, that was coming from your co-workers.

Job sweet job...

_______

You knew, that your new roommates would turn, how people saw you.

You always were a quiet student and co-worker.

Like many other students, you were renting a small apartment, were going to the university and had a part-time job. As many other students, you were quiet one. You study and do your job, and spent your free time in your apartment, enjoying your hobbies.

Your parents always told you, how fun university life was for them. About parties, bar hopping and many other social gatherings.

You tried to attend few parties. You did not like them. They were loud, and, after few drinks, people became too against personal space. You did not have any fun. So, not to torture yourself and not to sour the mood, you stopped attending parties.

You still wanted to make friends. You are not social butterfly, but you are not are dead set on being a loner.

You tried to make friends with other students. At first, it worked. You discussed latest news and everyday problems. You dive in your friends’ hobbies, so you can discuss them. However, with time, you have noticed, that they did not try to know you a little more. Each time you wanted to say even a word about last movie you watched or a book your read, you were being shut down, and “friends” already started a new discussion. And, when you tried to say your opinion on something they were discussing, they ignored you.

They did not noticed, that you stopped hanging out with them.

You tried again.

They were better. They didn't ignore you. They let you talk about your hobbies and listen to your opinion.

And then you learned, that they were laughing at you behind your back.

You stopped trying. You didn't want to be ignored again. You didn't want to be laughed at.

Still, you didn't want to be alone...

But, what next group will laugh at you again?

You choose to listen to your anxiety.

And, once again, as back at school, you became

IGNORED

“Quiet-Nerd-What–was-their-name?”

No one expected you to do anything drastic.

Until, one day, BSD Cast appeared in your living room.

And people remembered, that you existed.

-------------------------

It first, it wasn't too bad.

After Albatross got all documents he needs and finally bought a new motorcycle, he volunteered to constantly give you a ride to the university. It takes you time, before you agreed to his proposal. You were fine going by feet, or taking a bus. But, the new house was further from the university, than your previous apartment, so, to safe time, you agreed to Albatross's proposal.

Now you have more time to sleep and still can get to the university earlier, to prepare for lectures.

You weren't worried about questions, that fellow students would ask. For them, you were practically invisible. They won't pay attention to you, right?

Perhaps, it would be the case. But, you failed to get one thing in consideration.

Sunset Café

Relatively popular place among students. Not only because of delicious pastries, hot beverages and low prices. Mostly, because of owners' willingness to employ students and giving them a normal paycheck. Not enough to buy everything you need, but enough to pay rent and buy a present for yourself twice a year. Besides, employees were allowed to drink beverages and take few pastries. So, free dinner/lunch. Saved money!

So, of course, you were one of the many employees in Sunset Café. And, sometimes, you shared shift with your "classmates". If you were lucky, you could even say a few words to them, and they would react to them.

You didn't quit your job after BSD Cast appeared in your life. Mori, Fitzgerald, Poe and even Mitchell with Steinbeck tried to convince you to quit it. They assured you, that you don't need this job anymore. They have more than enough money to pay for everything you need or want. Everyone told you, that they won't hold it against you, if you quit your job and focus on your studies.

Your decision didn't change. You will work. Not only because you will feel bad for not contributing.

Because you need money for that... And you will feel terrible, taking money from BSD Cast to do it...

BSD Cast accepted it. They only asked you to tell them when your shifts are and text, when you will go home.

You were fine with sharing this with them.

A week passed. Albatross gave you a ride to university. Then, after lessons were over, you will go by foot to Sunset Café and after work take a bus to get home. Everything was fine. Even if other students noticed your "driver", they didn't ask questions. They get used to ignoring you.

And then, one day, after university, you saw Albatross on the parking lot.

_____

"Hey, [Y/N]! How university was, Racing Star?" Albatross waved his hand, smiling brightly. You tilted your head and quickly approach him.

you felt other students gazes on you... since when someone, except professors, knew your name? and since when, you have a person, who will have a nickname for you?

You lean towards him, whispering.

"Albatross? What are you doing here?" You quickly released, that you were rude. "I mean, hello. University was good."

stupid stupid he will think that you are a rude idiot

Albatross smiles at you warmly and took (yours) helmet from his motorcycle.

"Great! I am here to pick you up. Since today, I will also give you a ride to your workplace! And from workplace to home!" He held the helmet towards you.

You took it and put it on.

Albatross mirrored your actions and get on motorcycle.

"Hop on, Raising Star!"

You sat behind him, on your own proper seat, with your feet on your own foot pegs.

You put your arms around Albatross torso.

The motorcycle moved.

many people looked after you two. in a few hours all your co-workers knew about Albatross and you

_______

Questions came.

"Who is this handsome man?"

"Is he single?"

"You get a boyfriend?! You?!"

"Why he is giving you a ride?!"

You shrugged their questions of.

"Just a new roommate. We met online, talked about some anime and manga for a bit (rolled eyes and whispers of 'useless nerd'). And about few other things. He wanted to move over from his city to this town and wanted us to be roommates. He volunteered to gave me rides."

(whispers of 'And how you are paying for the rides?' you ignored them)

------

A shove in the side interrupted your thought chain.

"Wake up, cheap strumpet! Or are you thinking about all this 'rides' the blonde one gave you? The one in sunglasses." John's gaze was full of disgust. It was clearly visible, that your co-worker, and student from your class, want to spit in your face really badly. Thankfully, he decided against it.

"We will have clients soon. Reminder, not clients, that you are used to. So get back to normal, respected work."

He growled and left to the kitchen.

You wanted to protest, that it was summer. University was over. Most students left, and the Café wasn't that popular among other town's residents.

no clients means more trouble for you

But you stay silent.

You didn't want to lose your job. You need it.

🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️

Albatross parked his motorcycle not far from Sunset Café. He returned to the Café on his own foot. There was a restaurant on the opposite side of the street. And, because they didn't serve any deserts and only could offer Earl Grey and espresso, it wasn't a competitor with Sunset Café.

From said restaurant you can clearly view Sunset Café, and see, what was happened inside.

Albatross choose the closest table to the window. He sat down, ordered a sandwich and start observing. His friends will join him soon. For now, he must look after you.

He clenched his teeth, when he saw, how that man shoved you. Albatross gad no idea, what he was telling you, but you looked uncomfortable. And silent. You didn't try to protect yourself.

Albatross doesn't understand. Why you were so silent and don't protect yourself? Why you don't ask them for help?

Albatross doesn't have answers yet. But, he promised, that today he will protect you.

And other Flags will help him.

🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️

The interest in you and Albatross quickly died. Well, in you the interest died. Albatross still was discussed. Handsome man, dressed in leather jacket and rugged pants, who can ride a motorcycle, tend to get people's attention.

Life became normal again, aside from people, who would beg you to give them Albatross's number.

But then, another "new" appeared in your life.

Homemade meals.

"I knew, that you can have cake with coffee, but it is not a meal, [Y/N]. It is a snack or a treat. So, hush, and take your bento." Yosano wasn't listening to your protest, putting a lunch container into your bag.

Lunches became a norm for you.

If people saw you eating your own food, they didn't question it. Perhaps, they assumed, that after getting a roommate, you start having more money, enough for not to worry about constant saving and searching for low prices. Or, maybe, some people thought, that Albatross was also cooking for you.

But one day, you forgot your lunch at home.

___________

You were working on filling coffee machine, when John called for you.

"Um... Person, who are filling coffee machine... [Y/N], right?"

You nodded.

you were used for people forgetting your name

"[Y/N]... there is some kind of freak with IV looking for you!" John sounded confused.

IV? Doc?

You walked past confused John. He still looked confused. You could bet, that it was equally, because of Doc's appearance and, because there was another non-professor, who knew your name.

he and other of your co-workers were listening on yours and Doc's meeting

Doc does look interesting. Mostly because of IV and jagged teeth. But, you can quickly get used to said looks.

Doc flashed a toothy grin at you.

it made your co-workers took a step back

Doc raised a hand, and you saw, that he was holding a wrapped up bento.

Your lunch, that you forgot.

"[Y/N], silly little Kindly Care, you forgot your lunch."

You nodded, taking it from him.

"Hello, Doc. Thank you..."

idiot. your stupidity made him walk all the way here to give you food. apologize. Maybe, he won't hate you and would simply despise

"I am so sorry for all troubles I..." You didn't get to finish. Doc chuckled and pet your shoulder. His gaze was warm. He didn't look angry. Only happy.

"Don't worry this pretty little head of yours. It wasn't trouble at all. Hey, how soon your shift will end? Maybe, I can wait for you, and then Albatross, you and I can hang out?"

you can felt burning gazes of your co-workers on your back

You wanted to say 'yes, let's hang out'. But, your shift was far from over. He could probably go home. He will go home.

you aren't worse waiting for...

"I will be free in three hours, Doc... Maybe, you should..." Doc's grin became even bigger.

"Neat. I will wait for you."

Doc sat on the table in far away corner.

And you go back to your co-workers.

_________

They literally pressed you against the wall, trying to get answers.

"Who is this creep?"

"You have another friend?"

"Another roommate?"

"How big the flat is?"

"Is he the one, who is cooking you food?"

"Are you three dating?"

It was difficult, but you escaped from the encirclement. You ignored half of the questions.

"Yes, another roommate. No, we aren't dating. I won't answer any more questions. My personal life is none of your concern."

maybe, if you say something else... this situation would be solved...

(Kasey, another co-worker, whispered 'what they saw in you? What you give them in return for their help?' you ignored her)

Albatross, Doc and you got ice cream after your shift was done.

_____

You were re-filling coffee machine, when you heard steps coming from behind.

Only your reflexes saved you from having coffee spilled all over you. Kasey's voice was dripping with venom.

"What the matter? Aren't you already dirty?"

She left, stepping on your foot in a process.

You bit your tongue.

Just keep it cool. You need this job.

You need your own money.

🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️

Doc, this time, without his IV, stepped into the restaurant. Albatross waved his hand, without looking away from the Café. Doc sat near his friend.

"Did something bad happened?" asked Doc. Albatross huffed.

"Some guy... John, I think, shoved them. And, yell at them, I guess. [Y/N] looked scared and nervous."

Doc rubbed his temples. He hated all this people, who hurt you.

He saw it. Bruises on your arms.

You assured him, that you were clumsy.

But, doctor and mafioso (especially doctor-mafioso) can see, what bruises came from being clumsy and what was left from being hit.

He didn't blame you for being quiet. In no way it is your fault. But, it was his and others responsibility to protect you.

Because, you are their dear friend.

But, for an hour or two, he still had to wait. He and Albatross need more people to help them.

🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️

People started whispering.

About you, Albatross and Doc.

Some rumors were tossed around.

Still, it wasn't too bad. Albatross, Doc and almost everyone from BSD Cast wasn't too sociable, for now. So, your co-workers and other students can't get more information from them, and you simply refused to talk.

you are too grumpy... you will never have friends... you will always be alone...

But, loneliness can't last forever.

if you are not talking about yourself, of course

BSD Cast wanted to have jobs.

Lippmann was one of the first, who got it.

New actor in a local theater. A new start. New celebrity. Videos with him became viral.

And said start preferred to spend time with a shy, timid student, worker of Sunset Café.

________

Kasey squeaked, when Lippmann, a new celebrity, walked into the Café.

"Y-you..." she looked at him in adoration. Lippmann sent a smile in her direction.

Simple, polite smile.

He read her badge.

"Yes, me. Miss Kasey, can you, please, tell me, where... [Y/N]!" He noticed you, walking with a tray, full of dirty dishes.

Lippmann smiles at you.

Genuine, warm smile. Smile, that was reserved strictly for you.

You tried your best to stay polite and not to lose balance.

"Hello, Lippmann. Good to see you..."

Lippmann immediately was near you, taking away the tray. You didn't even make a sound, when he brought the tray to the kitchen. He returned to you, smiling.

"Well, Star Performer, ready to have lunch together?"

You mentally scolded yourself. Today you had a short day, and would leave the job earlier, than usual. This morning, Lippmann suggested eating lunch together. You were sure, that he was playing a prank on you. But it would be rude to say no. You agreed.

you hopped, that he will show up

you don't deserve them. someone as bad as you should stay from normal people

You nodded. Lippmann grinned.

"Good. I will wait for you to get ready."

"Thanks. I will be ready in a minute." you went to "Employee Only" room to get your bag and change.

_______

Co-workers gathered their courage to talk to Lippmann.

"Do you know them?"

"Do you know two others, that hang out with them?"

"What are they to you?"

Lippmann's answers were empty.

"[Y/N], few other people and I are roommates. I also see [Y/N] as someone close. Please, stop bothering me. I want to pick up my friend and spend the rest of the day with them."

When you returned, Lippmann took your hand and lead you towards the exit, ignoring your co-workers.

They glared at door, that closed behind you two.

If people could do physical damage with their gazes, you would be stabbed multiple times by their gazes.

(Today, all of them took a dive on social media. Trying to find more people, who knew you. They started with Lippmann socials.)

It was the point of no return

__________

You only wanted to have lunch.

You choose an empty table and was ready to dig in into red bean chazuke (thank you, Mori), when someone slammed a hand on the table before you.

Max, baker, were glaring at you. They were older than you, and not a student anymore. But, they were a star student, back there, and still honored the university traditions.

And they were furious at you.

Because of what people thought you were doing.

"You have no idea, how you disgust me. You are a disgrace to the university." they spit. They grabbed your lunch box and threw it down. Food spilled on the ground. You cowered in fear.

Max spit on the floor.

"Clean it up. Or eat it right from the floor. Livestock aren't allowed to eat as normal humans."

You blinked away your tears.

Hold on...

Just hold on...

You need money...

To pay rent...

🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

Doc and Albatross had to hold down Lippmann (and themselves) from marching down to the Café and do something really nasty to the bastard.

Lippmann breathed in and out.

"Why... Why they are hurting [Y/N]? For what sick entertainment?" mumbles Lippmann, tapping fingers against the table. Albatross and Doc didn't answer. They don't need to.

Lippmann closed his eyes. He hated not doing anything.

But, he needs to wait for a bit more. To get more evidence.

He remembered about some of the messages he received on his socials.

About how good you are in... "under the table" job. How much will it cost. If he is disgusted by you.

He simply thought, that it was trolls or haters, who just saw your photos on his page.

But, what if this people knew you and him in real life?

Lippmann breathed in again.

You were the only good part of the Real World. Other real people were huge bastards. He must protect you.

His precious Star Performer.

🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

They found photos.

Photos with you and BSD Cast.

With all of them calling you a great friend and roommate.

There were some videos.

About you being happy to get a gift or hanging out with them.

Fellow students and co-workers don't understand.

How a quiet, timid, shy nerd could get so much attention? Especially from new big businessmen and businesswoman?

They drew the only "logical" conclusion.

You were selling your body.

Now you weren't nameless anymore.

No, now you have many names.

Cheap, livestock, thing, toy... To call the least explicit.

And harassment came.

They didn't harass you on The Internet or tried to cross the line.

Thay said, that dirt wasn't worth to get in jail or any legal troubles. But they left notes, were rude, yelled at you, shoved you. Some people send complaints to the university.

They didn't want to be near you.

Professors didn't do anything. You were grown-ups, can deal with your own problems. But they asked all of you to be quiet. So you won't ruin the university's image of a prestigious, place with good students.

you were ruining not only BSD's Cast reputation. you are ruining university's reputation

Café's manager didn't do anything. Deal with it on your own. But he demand, that you deal with it not in front of the clients. And promised to fire you, if you start a scandal.

You tried to fight. You tried to explain. Show some of your messages with Oda, Mori, Nikolai, Fukuzawa and Fitzgerald.

But there was no way for you to prove, that you and BSD Cast were just friends.

"You have a second phone, where the evidence are!"

"I don't know, what is more disgusting. The number of your 'roommares'.or their ages."

"Don't come near. You are a freak without any morals."

was it your fault?did you deserve it? if you had friends in university, maybe you would...

there was no use in crying over spilled milk

you simply must move on

summer is soon

after holidays, they will forget about you

_______

You and Piano Man were feeding ducks in local park. Both of you were silent.

Silence was comfortable.

And then Piano Man spoke.

"[Y/N]... Rare Coin, can I ask you something?" his tone was gentle. You threw more seeds into the lake, before answering.

"Ask away." You smiled shyly. It's been three months since BSD Cast appeared in this world, in your life.

It felt good to have friendly conversations.

it was nice to have friends

Piano Man licked his lips, before speaking.

"[Y/N], are you alright? You looked... sad for the last few days. Did something happen? Can we help you?"

You froze.

they will hate you. you are ruining their reputation. LIE

"Everything is fine! I just worried about my finals!" a fake smile appeared on your face. Piano Man crooked an eyebrow.

"Kunikida said, that you are doing great. Or are you afraid of getting Not "100 points" but "99.99 points"?"

You nervously nodded.

"I always worried about my finals..."

Piano Man still didn't look convinced.

"And how your relationship with other students and co-workers?"

You swallow. You felt, iike a rock fall down your stomach.

"It's fine. They not really interested in me. I am just another student."

Piano Man looked at you for few moments. He clearly wanted to ask more questions, but decided to drop the subject.

"Fine. I will believe you. But, please, if you have troubles, talk to us. We care about you. We will help you."

You mumble something under your breath.

they will hate you for lying. idiot. go back to your books

Piano Man threw remaining seeds to the ducks. He held his hand towards you.

"Let's go and buy some groceries. Goncharov promised to cook stew for dinner."

_________

You had a headache. You just wanted this day to be over. You wanted to go home. To stay far away from the Café and University. From students.

They were glaring at you. They hated you.

Duncan, your manager, was towering over you. He bared his teeth and hissed.

"I promise you, you won't stay here for tool long. I will make sure, that you will be fired. Who knew, what diseases you are carrying around. I don't want to have my life ruined because of your debauchery."

You close your eyes. You are hated, because of stupid rumors.

And you can't ask anyone for help.

you aren't important enough to be a burden

to ask for help

you want to cry

you fight the urge

don't show weakness

you need this job

to pay rent

to keep your old apartment

The Café door was opened.

🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹

Piano Man didn't walk into the restaurant. He simply stopped before restaurant window and waved his hand, showing Albatross, Doc and Lippmann, that it was time.

Piano Man kept looking at the Café. At place, where you were working. At place, where you were harassed.

He clenched his fists.

He remembered, how you were acting during last finals. They still were in their world, but they could tell, that you weren't panicking or having a meltdown...

And about students.

There was one thing, that concern not only Piano Man, but all members of BSD Cast.

How empty your list of messages were.

Chat with parents. Chat for your group of students. Chat for all university students (only reading, where students can't post). Chat for Sunset Café workers.

And you hardly interacted with any if the chats.

It would be a good thing, if your parents write even one in a month.

Students in a chat ignored you, if you try to ask something, making you send the message multiple times.

Workers in a café left you on read for a good chunk of time, answering the last moment.

And even after they appeared in this world, they didn't see you hanging with someone else, exept them.

Were you bullied? No, not a correct term.

Piano Man remembered bruises. Bruises, that, according to you, came from falling down.

You were harrassed.

How dare they hurt you?

"[Y/N], don't worry, dear, we will protect you."

You were shy, kind, clever and adorable. Yet, some bastards thought, that they can hurt you. They were wrong.

And Flags will show them, how wrong they were.

"Ready?" asked his friends.

Three "Ready" were his answers.

Ice Man just walked into the café. Piano Man moved forward. Doc, Albatross and Lippmann followed after him.

🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹

Duncan was too absorbed in scoffing at you. He didn't notice, how Iceman walked into a café.

Your other co-workers, however, saw his. And tried to stay as far away as they can.

Iceman was a good man. Soft-spoken and kind. He often invites you to drink coffee together, while listening to some of his records.

But he does have an overwhelming presence. With a scar running down his right eye and emotionless face, tall /hit/ man didn't look like an embodiment of friendship.

Duncan continues to spit insults at you.

"You are everything, that is wrong with your generation. You have no honor or any idea, how normal human beings should behave in society!"

You turned away and tried not to pay attention. You failed. Duncan's yells were loud.

Shouts of approval were heard from different parts of the café. Iceman may have looked scary, but people can't pass up the chance to rub your face in your 'inappropriate' behavior.

With a corner of your eye you saw, how Iceman picked up one of the vases, that was standing on each table and had flowers put in it. With vase in hand, Iceman continue walking to Duncan and you.

You shake your head, trying to stop Iceman from doing what he wanted to do.

you don't need troubles at work!

Door opened again.

The Rest of the Flags walked inside. You have a bad feeling about this.

Duncan's loud howls were interrupted by a soft ringing sound. The fiery speaker fell and hit his face against the floor.

Behind him was Iceman with the most repentant expression on his face. But a sly smile was ruining the image.

"I'm so clumsy!" Iceman “apologized,” pointing with his hand at the glass shards of the vase and the scattered flowers, that were lying on the floor.

“But, honestly, he is such a disgusting guy. It was time for him to shut up.”

Your co-workers realized, what happened just at the end of the speech, and the last words Iceman spoke crouching. A tray of dirty dishes, which Max threw from the kitchen door, passed over his head. The tray flew further and landed on John's head, who tried to escape at the wrong time.

The dishes' life came to an end.

The joyful cry “Get them!” that came from Albatross, announced that the calm day was ruined completely, irrevocably and for everyone at once.

Iceman, with a confident, clearly practiced movement, grabbed surprised you, and threw you behind the counter.

In the café, meanwhile, Piano Man was steadily dipping Max into a bucket of dirty water, Doc was methodically beating John with a rolling pin. Iceman jumped over the tables, running from Steve, the only guard who was already out of breath. Lippmann, who had stolen a frying pan from the kitchen in the midst of a fight, was reprimanding something to the conscious Duncan, reinforcing his words with blows from the frying pan. Albatross throw Kasey onto the counter, and, grabbing her by the collar, began dragging her back and forth.

You didn't know what to do. You were never in a fight before, and, if you stand up, you could become an easy target, putting Flags in disadvantage.

Albatross dragged Kasey away from the counter, so he can deal with another waiter at the same time, and you take a better look at what was going on.

Right that moment, Iceman and Steve ran past the counter, and Steve was close to catching Iceman.

You can't let him hurt your friend!

You grabbed a bottle of vanilla syrup and hit Steve with it.

The guard was now cowered in sticky substance.

And owner finally decided to check on what was going on.

_________

You were standing outside Sunset Café, holding your bag.

Flags brought enough money to pay for all the damage they caused. Owner agreed not to press charges.

But you were fired. You were the reason for a fight. Flags didn't hide, that they saw you being harassed by your former co-workers, and they simply can't let them continue that.

Flags said, that they have proofs. And thanks for that, Max, Duncan, Kasey, John, Steve and others won't press charges.

it is your fault your fault you almost get Flags in trouble

You didn't know what to feel.

You won't be harassed anymore.

But you lose a job. And other places in this town aren't interested in hiring students.

And you need the job

You need money

To keep your old apartment

So you will have...

"[Y/N]? Are you okay? " Iceman's soft voice sounded right above your ear. You looked up at him at the rest of the Flags, who were standing behind him. All of them looked guilty. Iceman spoke again.

"[Y/N], we are sorry, that you have lost your job. But, please, understand, that we couldn't just let some idiots harassed you. We wanted to protect you."

Flags nodded in agreement.

You open your mouth and said the truth.

"Thank you. I really appreciate it. And don't worry about my job. I will find another one"

you wanted this. friends, that will protect you. someone, you can protect

Albatross jumped closer to you and put his arm around your shoulders.

"That's the spirit! So, want to grab a bite, before going home?"

Without waiting for your answer, he led you away from Sunset Café. Flags followed after you two.

🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊

Iceman walked behind you. And he was observing. He was glad, that you were safe now. But your attitude... What was going on? Why you let others walked over you?

Right now, you looked happy. But, what if one day... Because of other students...

Iceman whispered.

"We need to discuss it with others. Something is still wrong with Snowflake."

Piano Man, the only one, who heard him, nodded in agreement.

Iceman continue observing you. Albatross was recalling the best moments of the fight, and how cool you were, hitting the guard with a bottle.

You looked embarrassed, but you also participate in conversation.

For now, everything was good.

🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊

You were half-way to the diner, Flags have chosen to grab a bite.

Your last paycheck felt heavy in your pocket.

Last money you earned.

You will spend them on a rent.

On your old apartment, that BSD Cast thought you left permanently.

Because you need this apartment.

Because, after BSD Cast will see, how boring and stupid you are, they will leave. And you will need a place to return to.

But for now, you will simply enjoy your lunch with Flags.

#self-awarebsd #self-awareau #bungou stray dogs au #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd anime #bsd x gender neutral reader #gender neutral reader #Self-Aware Flags #Flags bsd #bsd flags #bsd albatross #bsd lippmann #Self-Aware Albatross #Self-Aware Piano Man #bsd pianoman #bsd doc #Self-Aware Doc #Self-Aware Lippmann #bsd iceman #Self-Aware Iceman #bsd flags x reader #bsd albatross x reader #bsd doc x reader #bsd Lippmann x reader #bsd pianoman x reader #bsd iceman x reader

[moeblob]

You know, I'm sorry for another story time but my life has been very stressed lately and today I got a huge boost. SO.

As some of you may know, I moved states at the end of July and have been here since August 1st basically. Social anxiety is a struggle but I'm making it. And there's this easy to reach by walking convenience store and almost every time I walk there I walk past a gem store. And I think to myself almost every single time "I love the store has a bouncer". I didn't say anything to him at first! But one day I got brave and proceeded to make an absolute FOOL of myself as I am on my way back from buying some sodas and ask him "are you like the store bouncer?"

The man looks at me and smiles and gives a little chuckle and says pretty much yeah? And then I say more awkward things and then promptly leave feeling very embarrassed. I purposefully AVOID that lil corner for a couple days and then finally feel brave enough to walk by cause it's ... like. Literally right by my destination. Man isn't even outside that day and I think phew! I can't be creepy if I can't talk to him!

BUT THEN I SEE THAT HE IS DIRECTLY INSIDE CHATTING TO A WORKER. And he sees me. And smiles and stops whatever conversation he's having and exits the store to say hi. (I am definitely beaming, like a normal person, because I apparently am NOT creepy enough to this man more than a foot taller than me who could easily kick my ass if he wanted) So we just chat. For maybe ten minutes? It's very nice! We have a Very Normal Conversation! I feel better about the first interaction because I had a second interaction.

So now............ today. I am once again wandering around and on my way to lunch when I pass the gem store and I'm like "hello again!" to the gem store bouncer. We begin to chat again and he mentions a pendant they recently appraised that he likes and I, thinking this entire time that the store was ONLY appointment only and I would never be allowed inside, am casually mentioning "yeah, I was born in June and we have three birthstones and like.... none of them are dark enough for me. I mean there's pearl which I'm not a fan of and then moonstone and another." And so he's saying they have a sheet inside to show birthstones so we walk in together to find out the mysterious third stone.

And the sheet only shows pearls. And I'm like "this is a crime against June babies" and then I somehow start talking to one of the female workers and I'm saying "yeah I just kinda like walking by here and seeing the bouncer" and she looks at him and is like "oh I like that." and I admit I have no other idea what to refer to him as (I don't know his name at this point anyway) and she's like "most often security guard."

Ah. Yes. Like a normal person would think. Security. Yes. Not "gem store bouncer". She then leaves to grab a coffee from across the street and I leave with the bouncer and somehow we get into talking about wearing mostly black and how he's pretty goth and then I mentioned a sweatshirt my aunt sent me once saying "I'm only wearing black until they come out with something darker" and he grins and says it's a life motto. Then the woman returns with her coffee and he tells me to tell her what I said, so I repeat it and she looks me dead in the eye and says "that was made for me. Also I love that you called him a bouncer it's hilarious".

I now observe that he (all black suit black shirt black tie) and her (black sweater with black/white striped pants n black shoes) are indeed somehow the gem store goth club. And then she heads back in and he says he's sorry they don't have any cookies to offer me, they normally have cookies in the back for employees, and I'm like "ah no it's fine thank you".

And then I left feeling like I was somehow allowed to join the Cool Goth Club at the gem store.

Anyway, sup, my new favorite person is the goth bouncer at the gem store and he makes me smile so much when I see him.

#moe talks a lot #not art #as a life update otherwise i am struggling but i am doing a LITTLE better and might actually finally be able to open comms like i planned #even if its already 9 days past when i wanted to open them.... i might be able to open some soon #it will probably not be a whole lot of slots and i apologize but while i need money i also need sanity o7 #long post #look guys im sorry i just think it is very cool that i somehow earned the amusement of a jewel seller by referring to the security man #as a bouncer because thats exactly what he strikes me as ! #i say as someone who has never been to a bar or club and only know bouncers from crime shows #but it amused the cool goth seller inside and the goth bouncer is also amused so im winning here

[time-is-restored]

by the way this is not gonna do the subject NEARLY enough justice BUT i do really wish there was more keeley appreciation in the main tags... like not only is she an Extremely explicit parallel for ted, but she's also at the heart of SO much of the show's themes - and you'd never know it from reading most of the meta that goes around!

[content warnings for sexism, sexual harassment, Locker Room Talk™]

okay, so like, in no particular order, here some of the criminally underrated + under-explored things we know abt keeley jones:

she has an almost identical social strategy to ted: being earnestly, and oftentimes defiantly herself, regardless of what assumptions it pushes other people to make abt her (i.e.: her description in the pilot, 'used to having her book judged by its cover'). and then, in spite of the ppl around her belittling her/writing her off, she STILL approaches them w genuine intent to connect + get to know them.

i think it was an EXTREMELY deliberate choice in episode 3 for both keeley and ted to give rebecca 'a compliment she's never heard before'. they're not merely skating by on small talk or doing the bare minimum to show their appreciation for killing the photo (which rebecca would be prepared for), they're subverting her expectations by going for genuine (if bemusing) compliments.

then ofc w keeley's s3 arc, you can see how she's trying (and slowly succeeding, judging by that nervous worker guy's attempts to start joking around with her) to get her PR firm's culture to the same, easy-going, more-friends-than-coworkers vibe of richmond. she even specifically asks ted for advice (and, again, i think its relevant that the advice he gives refers to his most effective team building moment - the ghost banishing ceremony). it's very important to her that ppl feel comfortable in her presence, and we can see her getting genuinely distressed whenever she struggles with this.

she says EXPLICITLY in that one exchange w sassy + rebecca that she freaks out whenever she thinks she's being abandoned - she delivers it like a joke, but she's visibly off-kilter and nervous while she says it, apparently still coming down from the anxiety of thinking she'd been ditched. and again, after the gala when she goes to (presmably) get back together with jamie, she says outright that she really struggles to ever break up with people - even people she's no longer interested in, like jamie! - because she second guesses her own judgement so much. on an adjacent note, imo the melt down she has when roy was crowding her was only as abrupt + extreme as it was because she had been repressing her feelings about it for so long. which is SO interesting in the context of her being one of the most upfront and outspoken characters in the show!!!! like. she literally contains multitudes!

and, also, while i do think there's some genuine critical analysis to be done abt the normalisation of what is, essentially, sexual harassment at richmond (it's... extremely uncomfortable to go on such a long tangent about how attractive a stranger's boobs are, even if ur also a woman), i think keeley's active flirtation + general horny-on-main behaviour is ALSO extremely under-explored. bc, in the context of her being a WAG, and also a model, keeley recieves completely unprompted + unwarranted comments abt her body all day every day. when sassy told her that her ex-husband used to masturbate to her photos, she's hardly shell shocked. it's pretty clear that that's something she's used to being known for, and being told about in gratuitous detail. in this context, you can really see how the way she leans in to flirtation, and talking about sex and the hotness of various ppl around her (ie: her entrance in the pilot, making a show + joke out of how she must Obviously want to see all of the footballers naked), is her way of pushing back against the way others don't respect HER boundaries. ie: 'if my body's fair game for everyone to talk about + sexualise, so is theirs!'. it's an extremely interesting coping mechanism, especially in the context of it leading to her oftentimes perpetuating the cycle of harassment herself. and then there's also how the locker room culture OF richmond involves a significant amt of talking about sex, past partners, etc - since she spends so much time in that environment, you can pretty clearly see how that'd influence her decision to go with the current, rather than against.

AND OFC. HOW could i get this far w/o talking about the sheer narrative weight that's given to her relationship with rebecca!!! not only is she arguably the first character to befriend rebecca (beating ted out by several episodes, at least by my count), she is ALSO the reason that rebecca ever tells ted the truth ('it would change how i feel about you'!!!!!!! AGH!!!!), and honestly i think keeley's disappointment in her is what leads her to finally accept that. sabotaging richmond is a cruel thing to do and she doesn't want to do it anymore! like. keeley's unabashed admiration of + love for rebecca, and rebecca's eventual reciprocation is quite literally the driving force for both of their arcs ('thank you for teaching this panda how to be a lion'!!!!!) and i just!!! i care them!!!!!!!!!!!!

tldr; keeley jones is a blorbo of absolutely apocalyptic proportions PLEASE let her into ur heart the next time ur writing analysis + meta....

#ted lasso meta #keeley jones #ted lasso #i basically wrote this whole thing just so i could plead for ppl to accept narrative parallels keeley : ted #into their hearts. like u can learn SO much abt keeley by analysing ted and vice versa! #the anxiety the Baggage the motivations the fears.. #even their professional goals + ethics and shit!!

[notoneopinion]

10 Ways I Soothe Anxiety

Hello. I have anxiety.

I have anxiety, but I have also managed to somehow keep a pretty good life for myself through it all. Getting out of bed when you have a paralysing fear of the world is not an easy task, but there are a few things I have found that make it that little bit easier, life that little bit smoother. And because we certainly don't gatekeep here, I thought I'd share the ten main ways I soothe anxiety. Basically, ten things I do to switch off and remove myself from my brain.

1. Turn your phone off.

An obvious one, but probably one of the most important. It's insane how clogged a person's brain will get when they spend their day glued to a phone screen. For me, it's not even just social media that sets me off, though that is a massive trigger for me and many other people; it's the phone in general. I could be playing Angry Birds for twenty-four hours and still finish the day feeling gross and anxious and guilty. The screen itself just makes me feel groggy, which in turn leaves me feeling anxious by the time I'm getting into bed that night. There are some days I will wake up, and just turn my phone off completely - usually days when I know I'm going to be at home all day, but still. That extended break from screen time is a life saver.

2. Fidget toys.

Okay, so I may also have autism.

But!!!! Fidget toys are miracle workers for all kinds of mental illnesses and uncomfortable feelings, so don't think you can't invest in some just because you're not on the spectrum. Fidget toys are literally made to soothe anxiety, so get yourself some!! I have one called a Tangle that I keep on me at all times, and I just mess with it in my pocket when I'm in a social situation and I don't know what to do with my hands, or I start feeling a little overwhelmed. It brings my fight or flight right down. I don't know the science behind it, but I honestly don't even care. Give me fidget toys, or give me death.

3. Model making, eg Legos, 3D puzzles.

Legos and 3D puzzles are another thing that has changed the game for me when it comes to anxiety. Like fidget toys, they are the perfect way to keep your hands busy, but they have the added bonus of keeping your mind busy, too. These are, of course, more of a relaxation technique, something you come home to after a stressful day rather than something to eliminate anxiety on the spot, but we'll take what we can get. These also keep you relaxed and distracted for hours, because there is hours worth of work to be put into them. Plus, they're very addictive - once you start on a Lego set, or a puzzle, you don't want to stop until it's finished. I've sat for eleven hours straight doing a Lego set just because I wanted to see the finished product as soon as possible, and during those eleven hours, my anxiety was non-existent. I was just enjoying myself the entire time.

4. Have a nap.

Very self explanatory, and yet controversial???

But genuinely, just go to sleep??? If you're having a gruesome day, and your mind is bullying you, and you're exhausted, just lay down and go to sleep. Fuck what other people say. There is nothing wrong with clocking out from the horrors of the real world for a few hours. As long as you get back up, all refreshed and ready to tackle another day, who cares??

5. Talk to a loved one.

I am very blessed that I can put this on the list. I know this can be a very difficult coping mechanism for a lot of people - trust me, I know. Growing up, my anxiety was my own, and not once did it ever occur to me to share that problem with anyone else. However, after meeting the right people, and understanding that nobody is going to be annoyed about hearing my problems, talking to people became one of the best and most useful coping mechanisms I've got. It can be as simple as sending your best friend a text telling them how you're feeling, or you can go all out and sit your Mum down with a cup of tea and bawl your eyes out. Getting those feelings out will give you a physical relief as well as a mental relief; the weight you've been carrying, a weight you probably don't even notice any more, will be gone in a matter of minutes. I promise you.

6. Exercise.

I know. I was shocked too. All those scientists that told us exercise and moving your body is good for your mental health were right. Bastards.

Just go on a walk. That's what I mean when I say 'exercise.' If you want to go to the gym and lift weights, or run a marathon, you go right ahead. More power to you. But by 'exercise' I just mean. . . move your body. Take the dog on a walk! Walk to the shop instead of driving! Get a bike! The tiniest bit of movement in a day can do wonders, whether we want to admit it or not.

7. Blast happy, sing-in-the-car music.

There's a playlist of Spotify that I highly recommend when it comes to wanting to escape reality and just have a good time. It's literally called Songs to Sing in the Car, and it's one of those playlists Spotify make themselves, just full of songs that you can sing at the top of your lungs, or blast through your headphones, and just have a real good time for a little while. I know it's easy sometimes to just go straight to that playlist full of sad songs that you can relate to in that moment, but try and go for a different approach - go find old bangers that you used to jump around to as a kid. It's a breath of fresh air.

8. Do chores.

Two in one baby!

A good chunk of the time, our anxiety is stemming from our to-do list, even if we're not thinking about it. All around us is evidence of all the unfinished tasks we've got to do, and that can really stress you out. Personally, whenever I'm anxious, I become almost camotose; I will just sit on the sofa and stare at the wall, feeling everything all at once. However, I've found that using this time to do little tasks around the house actually makes me feel better. I'm not saying I go and do a full massive clean; I might push myself just a bit to wash one or two dishes, or the whole sink if I can manage it. I'll hoover the living room floor. I'll go upstairs and put my clothes away. Just tiny jobs, only as much as I can push myself to do. A lot of the time, one job turns into two, and then two turns to three, and soon my house is spotless, and you know what they say - clean space, clear mind!

9. Take up knitting/ crocheting.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I only discovered this as a coping mechanism when I was suffering from really bad insomnia and I couldn't sleep; I somehow found myself watching YouTube tutorials on knitting, and I was overcome with this intense urge to learn. It was literally one in the morning, and I drove to my Mum's house (dragged my fiance out of bed to come with me, too, sorry babe <3) and grabbed knitting needles and some yarn. I was up knitting for about an hour, and I felt so relaxed that I actually managed to go to sleep! For the first time in days! So not only can you make really cute clothes and nick-nacks and learn a new skill, you're also relaxing that anxious brain of yours for a little bit.

10. Have a good cry.

Yeah. Just this.

#mental health #mental health awareness #mental health support #self care #it girl #social anxiety #anxiety hacks #self care aesthetic #positivity #healing journey #girl journal #recovery #self improvement #glow up #mental wellbeing #words #writeblr #amwriting #non-fiction #recovery tips #older sister advice

[der7py]

Yandere Fashion designer x reader

TW: Obsessiveness, implied sexual abuse (past tense, not reader), depression, social anxiety, trust issues, mature language

Enjoy

Yandere FD who lives downtown in the city, who enjoys the quiet life and doesn't mind that no one's around. Really he likes being lonely

That was until you showed up on his doorstep during a bad rainstorm

You explain your not from around this city and your car broke down. You point at it and ask if you can stay with him for a little bit

He's a bit skeptical, eyeing your car and then eyeing you. Hesitantly, let's you come inside to dry off

Yandere FD who tells you to figure out a sleeping arrangement in the living room. He doesn't have any spare bedrooms

Yandere FD who keeps his entire identity a secret. You don't need to know him he doesn't need to know you.

Takes him a while to get obsessed he's already got bad experience in the relationship field

He calls up a mechanic that very night and tells you the earliest they can be is by next week. He wants you out of his house as soon as possible. What if you try and touch him while he's sleeping?!

The very next day he gets you working around 9:30. He doesn't want slackers in his home.

You barely see him. He's always cooped up in his office, designing new outfits and ordering the right cloth

Surprisingly you make a good worker. You don't complain and you get things done.

But by the time the mechanic comes by, he can bare you a little bit.

When you go to leave, you quickly remember. You never catched his name!

"Wait!" He turned around, staring at you through his hair. "I never catched your name!" There was a slight pause between the two of you. Finally, he responded. "That's cause I never threw it." He slammed the door, and didn't even bother peeking out the window. Who knew city folk could be so stingy? You drove off in your car, occasionally looking back at the house.

But he never even came outside.

After a while you started to miss his presence. Even if he was stingy and hard to talk too, he still gave you a place to stay. About a month later you drove back to his house. You knocked on his door three times, praying he'd answer. "What fuck do you- oh. It's you again. Your car break down again?" You shook your head and explained you wanted to get to know him better. Well that was odd. He invited you in, still hesitant about your plans.

Sooner or later Lance found himself feeling something for you. He didn't know what it was, but he wanted to be with you every step of the head. He was imagining a slight future with you. But he didn't know why. Hadn't he just met you? He hated people and always avoided going out. His doctor said depression made people be lonely and want to be isolated. So why were you different? Weren't you just some annoying pest that showed up on his doorstep?

"Can I catch your name now?" "Oh yeah. It's Lance. Lance Dustbin."

Did he just say he was Lance? The Lance Dustbin?!

You freaked out immediately and asked for his autograph. To say he was flattered was an understatement. He felt appreciated.

After much convincing, you manage to get him to sign your phone case

And with little convincing, you get his phone number

He asks if you two being friends could stay private due to his depression and anxiety and of course you accept.

A lot of your days are spent at his place, drinking coffee or having brunch at a local restaurant.

No matter, you've fallen for the fashion designer.

And he's fallen for you too. But maybe he fell a little too hard

He now constantly seeks for validation from you, whether confirming he's a good friend or if your friends with him for him and not because he's a famous fashion designer.

He gets worried when you don't text back. Did something happen? Was that creep next door bothering you? Did you not like him anymore??

It's never established if you two are dating or not. And he wants to keep it that way. What if a paparazzi finds out about you? You and him will never get any sleep!

He cares a lot about you, so don't lead him astray okay?

Please... Just stay with him a little longer.. he doesn't wanna be left alone again..

#yandere #yandere oc #yandere oc x you #yandere oc x reader #yandere oc x y/n #yandere character #yandere Fashion designer #male yandere #yandere oc imagine

[keezybees]

Hi! I follow you across social media and I really love your art and am super looking forward to reading Hello Sunshine! I wanted to reach out because I'm also Bipolar and I really appreciate the work you do to spread awareness about it but there's something that I find kind of harmful in how you talk about it, and it's just the insistance that it absolutely can't be treated through non-medical means. I fully understand that meds are life-saving and that depending on the severity of symptoms, length, and frequency of episodes, going without medication can be lethal. However, as someone with Bipolar I but controlled symptoms (and frankly symptoms that seem a lot less disruptive than yours, I'm sorry), hearing that there's no path forward without medication would easily have triggered suicidal thoughts when I was younger. There are a lot of reasons why people can't be medicated (for me it was a combination of family control and financial struggle), but hearing at your lowest that there's no way forward without something that you can't have is really damaging. I think it's totally possible to stress the importance of medical access and the need to work with your medical provider without erasing the ways that non-medical treatments can also be life-saving, depending on a person's situation/symptoms/etc and that some people can live full lives even if their symptoms aren't fully controlled. Anyway, I love your work and I just wanted to raise this alternate perspective because I think you're helping a lot of people, but I also think a lot of people can be harmed by this rhetoric, especially marginalized people who can't seek medication for any number of factors beyond their control.

Hi Anon! I totally hear what you're saying, and so I just wanted to run through a few things to clarify my stance, both for you and for others who might be reading this (omg I am SO sorry this is so long though haha):

I do emphasize treatment a lot, because I think it's really important for people to work with professionals to find ways to manage their illness. This is partly due to my own experience (I avoided treatment for a looong time) and anecdotally, but also because the research we have is pretty clear--untreated bipolar has much, much worse outcomes for a vast majority of people. However! When I say treatment, I don't necessarily mean medication, and certainly not only medication! I absolutely think some people (though it is sadly rare) can find ways of managing their illness medication-free. I just feel that it's best to do this work with the help of professionals + peers (whether that's a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, social worker, support group, etc) who can help you find your way, and help you manage symptoms that do crop up (this is especially true if you're currently on medication and choosing to go off of it, since that can come with physical risks). I could definitely stand to make this distinction a lot clearer though, and I'll try to be more mindful of it in the future.

I also can definitely see how my words could imply that I think non-medication ways of treating bipolar aren't valuable, and I'll work on my phrasing going forward, because they absolutely are! My aim is not to dismiss stuff like self-help or lifestyle changes or meditation or exercise, because I think they're great--for example, that kind of stuff has helped a ton with my anxiety and overall quality of life, and I know for a lot of people they help with their bipolar symptoms. But for me, these things simply don't have much of an impact on the bipolar, and our culture's emphasis on them frustrates me because it prevented me from getting proper care for a very long time, and made me feel like a failure for not being able to control my symptoms despite working so hard. So I'll also try to be more clear in the future about whether I'm venting about my own situation vs speaking broadly.

I also definitely hope I've never said anything that implies that our symptoms are inevitably life-ruining! My symptoms aren't completely controlled (particularly my lows), either, and I like to think I live a pretty good life. I think for many people un-treated bipolar can be life-ruining, and I've just heard too many stories about people who thought they could manage on their own only to have an absolutely devastating manic episode to not warn people of the risk. But most of us will continue to experience some degree of symptoms throughout our lives, absolutely.

I totally understand why someone would want to go med-free, or at least try it, and I in no way think the medications we have now are flawless haha. Side effects are awful, life-changing, and can even be life-threatening (I've had some horrible experiences with side effects myself); the meds we have now aren't very effective against depressive episodes for a lot of people (myself included), and for some people they're not effective at all; meds for most people don't completely eradicate symptoms, etc. I'm fully on board with the med struggle, and I honestly spend a lot of time criticizing the options available to us, though less so publicly, since I don't want to further stigmatize the idea of taking psych meds in general!

One of the reasons I emphasize medication (when I do emphasize meds, specifically) is because when I was younger, I was terrified of even the idea of them. I avoided it for years and really, really suffered because of it. I think our culture does in general look down on psych meds, particularly the kind we usually take, so I'm trying to destigmatize the concept of them, and emphasize for people with similar fears that taking meds can be just as life-saving and healing as they are harmful and frustrating, and that it's at least worth trying.

I'm a YA cartoonist (and former teacher, barista at a youth coffeehouse, tutor, I worked for a kids' gaming website...actually all of my jobs apart from dishwashing have involved kids, now that I think of it lmao), so a lot of the time when I'm talking about this stuff on social media, my target audience is sort of...very young people and kids who think they have bipolar (or may have even been diagnosed) but are afraid to seek help and/or don't think they need help and/or don't think help is going to actually help. So my goal is to demystify and normalize the idea of taking meds and/or seeking treatment for those people, and to emphasize that just because they're able to manage their illness now, that might change in the future, and imo they need to be aware of the very real risks, which includes things like an incredibly high suicide rate for unmedicated individuals, and the reality that the illness can be progressive (episodes can get worse and harder to treat the more you have them--they certainly did for me, and I wish I had been more open to the idea much earlier).

On a similar note, it's also important to recognize that a lot of things can look like bipolar, and a lot of people don't really know what bipolar actually looks like to begin with (particularly if you're getting your info from tiktok or similar). So if you've self-diagnosed and never explored treatment options (emphasis on options!) you can easily be missing stuff like thyroid issues, epilepsy, brain tumors, vitamin deficiencies, or a myriad of other treatable mental illnesses that mimic bipolar, and I strongly believe that people deserve care and help for whatever they're struggling with, including the possibility that it isn't bipolar at all!

Finally, I truly hope I've never said anything that comes off like I'm looking down on or judging people who choose to not be medicated for whatever reason! If it works for you then that's phenomenal (I'm jealous tbh) but it's honestly none of my business haha. When I talk about this stuff I do try to stress most people, because we're of course not a monolith, and when I say something like 'a majority of people with bipolar will need some form of medication to flourish' I don't mean to dismiss those who aren't in that majority. It's more that I want people to be open to the idea that they're not failures for needing meds, that they're actually in very good company, as well as to combat the 'just meditate! or try harder!' narrative that's so prevalent in our culture.

Edit: one last thought, which is that part of my target audience is also parents or guardians whose kids might be struggling--kids are obviously the group with the least access to treatment on their own terms. My hope is that talking about my experiences and discussing the risks will help motivate guardians to get help for their kids, and also help motivate kids to seek their own treatment as soon as they're able. Most people develop bipolar in their late teens and early 20s (though my first hypomanic ep was at 16), so it's a relatively small percentage of folks in this situation, but I do see how a kid whose parents aren't willing to help them could take my words badly, so I'll try to keep that in mind!

I'm definitely going to be more careful about how I phrase things going forward, because I can absolutely see how my intent could be lost. Hopefully this clears things up a bit (although it's also possible that we simply disagree, and I think that's okay too--like I said, our community is not a monolith, and a lot of these conversations are fundamentally ongoing)!

tldr; I'll make an effort to watch my words so that it's clear that my target audience really isn't my bipolar peers, and that the target of my criticisms is anti-medication wellness culture + psych med stigma, not the concept of non-medication alternatives or additions in general. And I'll try to do a better job of highlighting when I'm speaking only for myself vs our community as a whole!

#once again i am so sorry this is so long #i just felt your message was really heartfelt and thoughtful and i want to make sure i respond in kind #! #bipolar #bipolar disorder #mental illness #replies

[southshoretides]

There was a post that went viral here a few weeks ago where a popular user talked about her father, who would insist he is not anything other than "neurotypical" despite having stringent high standards about seemingly trivial things, sticking to a very strict schedule, hoarding certain things, and so on. She went on to describe other family members and herself all having a seeming touch of the Endies, with the clear implication that these were not (or at least not merely) choices/eccentricities/learned behavior but fundamental differences in brain function from the normies. It reminded me a bit of my mom, who has 250+ birthdays/anniversaries/etc. of family, friends, and even former co-workers recorded on her wall calendar, on her tablet, and (99% of the time) in her head, insists on having no fewer than three clocks visible from her living room chair, and has probably consumed every available televised documentary on John F. Kennedy and Queen Elizabeth II. For my own ND credentials, well, here I am posting on my tumblr sideblog, so.

Another recently-popular post gave a measured counter-argument against viewing everything through the lens of mental illness, ending with something like "Don't ask yourself 'Am I X?' Ask yourself 'Is viewing this situation through the lens of X-ness useful to me?'" So, my question is, to what extent is the neurotypical/neurodivergent framework so popular on tumblr useful for understanding people?

There was a big pushback on the 'NPC' meme when it emerged from 4chan: the idea that some percentage of people don't have internal experience, they just kind of mindlessly fill their social role, was too misanthropic and (for me at least) contrary to lived experience to countenance. And yet, the way some people in more progressive spaces talk about normies, allistics, or neurotypicals makes me wonder how much they actually disagree with the underlying assumptions, vs. the phrasing/framing, and what kind of monstrous caricature of 'normal people' they carry with them as a mental default.

Because in posts like the first one, where having unusually high standards about things, or unusual hobbies that most people don't share, or presenting oneself in unusual ways is all due to (or, at least, plausibly explained by) some kind of neurodivergence or another, then what is left for neurotypicality? Apparently it means mindlessly filling one's social role with little-to-no internality, having no particularly unusual qualities of one's own.

"How Tumblr bloggers talk about normies" is something pretty far removed from the levers of power at this point, but my suspicion is that viewing seemingly-mundane things through the lens of a bimodal normalbrain-weirdbrain distribution is in 2023 about where viewing everything through the lens of a bimodal oppressor-oppressed distribution was in 2013: something the internet's cool kids were already exploiting for self-promotion purposes, the internet's uncool kids were already tired of, and the normies were just beginning to notice. To the extent that I can, I want to encourage the formation of healthy discursive norms for the culture that's coming, not the one we left; to try and stop the in-motion revolution before it goes too far instead of complaining about how the last one went too far.

And I think we are on the verge of a genuine revolution in mental health, where behaviors and social interactions and norms that previous generations took for granted are picked apart and reclassified as a myriad of different brains working in different ways. This is not an anti-psychology post necessarily; being able to say "I have an anxiety disorder, and it affects me in these ways" is certainly more legible and efficient than "I am different from others in these days and I can't understand why or whether they might be connected," especially for the purposes of seeking treatment or finding community. But legibility and efficiency are not the only terminal values in life, if they're terminal at all.

The 'NPC logic' where you can divide people into Ensouled Beings and Automatons and luckily you and your friends and all the people you admire are in the first group, is a dead end. I don't even mind having a few genuine misanthropes running around--keeps people honest--but more than it leading invariably to hatred and bitterness over the Automatons not knowing their place, I just don't think it's true. I don't see the evidence for either the hard version (genuine lack of internality) or the soft version (most people are dumb and do what they're told) in my interactions with people who most of you would call normies, and I find it hard to believe that a lapsed-Catholic test-prep-tutor living in the suburban Midwest would encounter fewer normies than the average Tumblrite.

But OK, say it's a hard-truth-about-humanity thing. Where do you even draw the line in any meaningful way? My mom also enjoys repeating a lot of the same jokes and observations about everyday life that I've heard before, to the point where it drives me a little nuts sometimes. Is this the autistic desire for routine and comfort (good and valid) or the pointless, weaponized normie ritual of small talk (bad and oppressive). Does the JFK/Queen Liz stuff rise to the level of "special interest" (cool and relatable!) or just the same shit that lots of boomer white middle-American ladies in their 50s/60s are into? (cringe!) I suspect the answer to valid-or-not type questions (for her or anyone) hinges basically on how much you like or respect someone already, which is the fate of almost any ethics system that makes nods to progressive/liberal thought but still wants deep down to put a moral gloss on inborn qualities. Vibes, once again, are not a substitute for a rigorous ethical system.

One possible way to square this circle is to go the opposite route; instead of trying to squish eccentrics into a normie-mold, just say that "normal" is a meaningless concept. Everyone is weird in their own way, and very few people are "average" along every single metric--and the few who are are, well, weird! Which is a reasonable take, but also makes the NT/ND bimodal distinction pretty meaningless itself.

But more than that, if 'normie' has any worthwhile definition, I think it's something like "Someone who is worried about fitting in with their peer group relative to time-and-place cultural norms", and that's something that's never going away. People are going to want to be normal, not in the hyperconformist Mrs. Grundy/speaker-at-CPAC way, but in the sense of "Am I doing the right thing? Will my life choices lead to satisfying outcomes? Am I going to be shunned or exiled if I make the wrong ones?" Some people are always going to have the wherewithal to simply reject that entire framework and go do their own thing, but an ethical system that requires people to do that in order to be taken seriously as moral agents...do I need to explain why that's doomed to failure? Or to put it another way, I think it's beneficial to both the normies and the weirdos to have a cultural understanding of normality that goes beyond just "What the neighbors think"/"What my dead Catholic grandma would think".

So, in that light, is it helpful to view sufficient deviation from a (somewhat imaginary, somewhat self-serving) rump of non-agentic hyperconformists as evidence of neurodivergence? To whom is it useful to say "I really like collecting things and rewatching movies because I'm autistic, and I like the books and movies I like because I'm traumatized and depressed, and I like strict schedules because I have OCD about being late to things"? In my opinion, that healthy cultural understanding would include that "normal people" can have a "weird side" and it doesn't say anything about them necessarily--certainly it doesn't draft them into a war between normies and weirdos that they never actually wanted to fight in.

Personally, I prefer just "being a little weird", quirky, eccentric, etc. as a mental model. The above one does not make me feel seen and understood, it makes me feel like a lab animal. And to the people for whom it does make them seen and understood, the philosophical problem of people unlike that existing, and having different needs, should give them pause about using it as a universal framework.

#mental health #neurodivergence #neurotypicality #psychology #identity

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

Have you ever been to therapy? Any tips on how to find a therapist who isn't a misogynist/trapped in the fucking 1950's?

I am traumatized by female therapists and social workers.... the invalidation, the gaslighting, and the blaming.... they remind me of my damn mother; denying male violence, and viewing me, a woman traumatized by male violence to the point I have alchohol use disorder, ptsd, severe insomnia, ocd, adhd, anxiety, sucidial feelings, sex repulsion, etc, as inferior and as a joke and judge me for being single and not having a bf, no empathy for my pain.

I am breaking up with a current therapist, and I know folks say therapy isn't needed... but I need brainspotting or emdr... I don't sleep and am severely suicidal and scared of people. I need therapy, and feel re-traumatized by my therapis.

my father sexually abused me for 20 years and prevented me from experiencing romantic love.

she would ignore me and read while I was talking, until I said "I am sad I did not experience romantic love." she said it could happen at any age.

when I described limerence and romantic obsession (over a boy I was trying to date in secret, but didn't work out because I was my father's property in his mind and he was threatening to take and send nude photos of me to him.. I was 15, the boy I was dating was 15....) I told her I would imagine we had worked out, and she expressed she thought it was healthy I was fantasizing about this

basically, my trauma to her is attention seeking, and wasn't that bad, I talk too much, and just need a bf. I have experienced suicidal ideation over this therapist, and am scared to seek therapy again.

I myself want to be a therapist, because most therapists are misogynists and I really wanted to be the one who wasn't. I feel haunted

Hi anon,

This sounds really hard, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it all. It sounds like you should definitely stop seeing this therapist, since she isn’t helping and is in fact making you feel worse. Well done for making the decision to disentangle yourself from a situation that is harmful to you, and well done for all you’ve done so far. It’s really admirable that you’re considering entering a field that’s harmed you in order to help others (though don’t feel pressured to commit to that plan if you begin to feel differently).

I don’t feel able to give you specific advice about finding a new therapist, particularly since I don’t know whereabouts in the world you are (and please don’t feel any pressure to share that information) so I don’t know how the system works near you. What I would recommend, if you can manage it yourself or have someone help you, is to establish your boundaries up front when contacting new options, and trust your judgement of their response. If you make it clear up front that you have certain requirements and expectations from therapy - bearing in mind that you should have the power in that relationship, since they are there to help you - and get push back or mistreatment up front, then don’t waste any more of your time with that therapist, just move on to the next. Maybe you could send the same initial email out to multiple people, and then read through and consider the responses as they come in? And if any get through that stage, you can treat the first appointment as another screen, and end the arrangement at any time if you feel it’s necessary. You’re looking for a professional to provide you a service - if you wouldn’t accept a shoddy plumber or builder, you shouldn’t accept a shoddy therapist. Well done again for putting your foot down on the current one.

With regard to finding a list of potentials, maybe see if you can find any recommendations, or consider contacting a local women’s charity to see if they have any preferred options. I’m going to open this to the community and ask them to weigh in with advice and recommendations as well - I hope that’s ok. Radblr women, please interact if you have any knowledge or experience to share.

In terms of the immediate short term - please stick around, and please reach out for help from those who can provide it to you directly, whether that be professional or personal connections. With regard to commencing therapy with a new therapist - take your time, and have faith in yourself to know what’s best for you. You can do anything you set your mind to. Good luck xx

[thesakuragarnet]

Hi! (First Post I guess) MASTER LIST LINKED BELOW KEEP READING!

Hello! I'm Sakura_Garnet and I am chronically obsessed with My Hero Academia, specifically the Keeping Up With The Todoroki's subplot. I exclusively write Dabi/Toya Todoroki-centered fanfiction, ranging from angst to fluff to smut and various combinations. I have a few finished fanfictions and a LOT of WIPs, as well as a plethora of "oneshots" for various AU's. The majority of my writing is done on AO3, but I double post a few of my big works on wattpad. I am constantly listening to music, and most of my fics have been inspired by songs and albums. I have so so SO many headcanons for MHA/BNHA, and feel very strongly about DabiHawks/TouKei as you will see from the majority of my writings. I have ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and try my best to relay my experiences with these neurodivergencies in a few of my works. My main fic that is my pride and joy is PHOENIX: A Pro Hero Toya Todoroki AU, which covers 14 years of Toya Todoroki's life in an alternate universe (ages 16 to 30 to be exact) . If you do choose to read it, please mind the tags and the AO3 author's notes as it does deal with some heavy content (I tend to max out the tags on the majority of my works bc a bitch is nothing if not thorough). I don't know how much I'll be active on here, but I'm excited!

As always

The Past Never Dies,

<3

Sakura_Garnet

Master List (and my universes) 1 8 + ONLY

(Disclaimer: I curse like a sailor in real life so pretty much all fics have some form of swearing in them in some form or fashion. I tag my fics extensively, please pay attention to the tags listed in each fic as I will not be listing them here. Summaries and taglists will be on the links for each fic <3 fics with a sole focus on sm*t will be labeled smvtfics, but that doesn't necessarily mean that unlabeled ones do not have sm*t in them. Some links will take you to tumblr, but not everything is posted on here, so some will go straight to the AO3 fic.)

DabiHawks

- PHOENIX AU

PHOENIX: A Pro Hero Toya Todoroki AU

Private Hero Training Academy : PHOENIX AU Spinoff

Fire in My Veins

I'm Not Okay, I Promise

Separate Ways

I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE (I WANNA BE YOUR MASTER) (smvtfic)

The Tape (smvtfic)

Perfectly Good At It (smvtfic)

HONEY (ARE U COMING?) (smvtfic)

-Fantasy AU

Flames of Fate

Your Body Is My Temple (smvtfic)

-Civilian Social Worker Toya X Pro Hero Hawks AU

It's Dangerous To Go Alone

Pillow Talk (smvtfic)

Grand Gestures

Light as a Feather (smvtfic)

Meet The Todoroki's

Home Late (smvtfic)

-Pro Hero Dabi X Villain Hawks (Talons)

And when he touched him he turned ruby red (smvtfic)

bad idea right (smvtfic)

When we're staring at the ceiling (smvtfic)

-Quirkless College TouKei AU

Pent-Up (smvtfic)

-The Mean Girls AU

On Wednesdays We Wear Black

-THE VOID (Not the canon timeline necessarily but something in between)

We Were Just Kids

Easier Than Lying

Distracted (smvtfic)

One Stupid Phrase (smvtfic)

Touch-Starved

I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All (smvtfic)

My Eden (smvtfic)

What The Heart Wants

Conjugal Visit (short smvtfic with a LOT of plot)

that one Rihanna song

Flecks of Gold

Dabi X OC

-The FIREPROOF/ANARCHY saga (Dabi X Sakura)

A Mission

FIREPROOF

ANARCHY (apocalypse AU)

-Pro Hero Dabi X Pro Hero Sakura AU

Playing With Fire: A Pro Hero Dabi AU

The Limo Scandal (Pro Hero Dabi X Mirko X Hawks smvtfic prequel)

-Touya X Dusk AU

His Ocean Eyes

First (smvtfic draft)

MISA! MISA! (smvtfic draft)

On the Clock (smvtfic spoiler)

-Pro Hero Dabi X Villain Sakura

Secondary Location

DABI X FEM! READER

Random Villain Fem! Reader X Dabi

Only Stops A Sentence (smvtfic)

Good Graces

Liquid Lust (smvtfic)

Left Behind

Support Course Graduate Fem! Reader X Dabi

Crimes Of Passion (smvtfic)

Carnal Addictions (smvtfic)

Deal With The Devil (smvtfic)

Spies AU

Say My F*cking Name (smvtfic)

The Band AU

Music Keeps Us Alive: College Band AU

Cravings (FTM DABI X TWICE SMVTFIC)

Random Dabi-centric (ish) Fics

The League Of Villain Go To Disney: A crackfic mini series for just good vibes (slight DabiHawks)

Birthday (LOV Found Family Vibes) (slight DabiHawks)

Savior Complex (Big Brother Dabi)

Here Be Dragons (Alt. Fantasy AU)

If I Had Been There (Dabi X Magne Angst)

Embers In The Dark (Dabi X Burnin' smvtfic)

#dabihawks #ao3 writer #ao3 #dabi #toukei #dabi x hawks #pro hero dabi #mirko #fanfic #my hero academia fanfiction #dabi fanfic #toya todoroki #touya todoroki #archive of our own

[prnanxiety]

5/24/24

I am going to murder my coworker. Hot blooded, cannibalistic, "Gomdy Nare is on the news" murder.

Yesterday, I wasn't at work. However, I was at my hospital for training. We have to do training once or twice a year for how to physically disengage from a violent patient without hurting the patient. It's normal training for psych and ER staff. Some of my coworkers and a few security officers I knew and respected were there. We practiced on each other, it was good.

Towards the end of the training, we heard a code called over the hospital speakers. "Security Code Team, Acute Psych." That is never, ever, ever a good code to hear. Other units call security for events not even a fifth as violent as us. If there's a code called, it's because somebody is trying to seriously hurt somebody. I kinda looked around at my coworkers like "Hey, uhhhh should we go to that?" Answer's no; we're not there today, we didn't receive report, we don't know what's going on, we'd just get in the way. And, that's true. I was just gonna have to wait till my next shift to find out what happened.

That shift was today. Violent patient admitted to our unit straight from the ER, and within 10 minutes was in the restraint chair. Reports of screaming, violent, thrashing, spitting, this man was not having a good day. It was a similar presentation to what I'd been seeing recently; meth withdrawal. This patient also had schizophrenia and mild IDD, and was young and strong.

I'm starting to get really good at handling this patient presentation. Guy's asleep in his room at the start of my shift, and we're keeping it that way. Let him wake up, let him talk to us when he's ready. Only wake him up if we have a strategy. That sort of thing. This morning, for example, I stopped the attending physician from going into his room, and we made sure the person to wake him was somebody he knew yesterday, who was there to introduce us. Let him know we're who we say we are.

Patient wakes up agitated and frustrated. Wants to leave, wants to go home, wants to see his dog, wants to get back to his life. Can't do that. Patient wants to know when he can. Not sure yet, but not today. Patient wants to know how is dog is. Not sure, probably fine.

Answers like those are enough to piss of any average person. Someone like this has an anxiety disorder mixed with meth withdrawal; either they take meth because they can't handle their anxiety, or they can't handle their anxiety without meth. But those two things feed off each other pretty easily, and it was happening right in front of me. As expected, frankly.

I brought him his morning meds, as well as some haldol. Guy needed it; there was a hole in his wall that wasn't there last weekend, and some fresh cuts on his knuckles, dried blood. 2 + 2 = 4. I'd been calmly explaining to him this and that, enough that he was willing to take oral meds if I offered them. So he took his oral haldol, no need for an injection, and we talked for a bit about the nature of a stay in the psych unit. It's not a punishment, we're here to help you, I want to make sure the social worker is looking out for you to day, anything I can reassure him of to keep him cooperative as he struggles to manage his own fears.

Inside of an hour, he's asleep again. Maybe it's the haldol, maybe its the lack of sleep from withdrawal and anxiety, but he's out. He already missed breakfast because of sleep, as well as a mid morning, snack, and he was possibly going to miss lunch, at this rate. So when lunch came, I took his meal tray aside and placed it in the pantry. I checked the food: Chicken tenders and green beans, with mashed potatoes. Plan is to let him wake up, and when he's inevitably hungry, present him with the tray. Patients are supposed to come out and eat with everyone at meal times, but patients like this need to get some concessions if we're going to get them to cooperate with us.

I should mention, we were having kind of a shitty day to begin with. While all this was going on, we had a weird ass schedule from the doctors. Normally on weekdays they visit patients twice a day, here. This morning they only visited once, and never told anybody they weren't going to come back. As well as that, our normally scheduled social worker was off today, and the social worker covering him had to leave in the middle of her shift for a funeral.

That was a problem, because we had patients who had been waiting so long to discharge, and were finally discharging, only to have to fucking wait for reasons none of us can explain. When am I discharging? Oh, you have to see the social worker first. Where's the social worker? Oh they'll be by. But the social worker never came by? Oh that's weird. Let me check on that for you. What's the hold up? I'm sorry, I don't know where the social worker is. Fuck. Two or three patients who just wanted to get the hell out, getting more and more pissed about the wait, aggravating me because I have no idea where the fuck all these people I'm relying on are!

On top of it all, one of my patients is incoherent right now. Gets like this when he goes long enough without mood stabilizers and anti psychotics. Pressured speech, grunting noises, can barely say anything. Yet continues to request things from us, repeating himself again and again, unable to explain more thoroughly or slowly what he needs or wants. We just have to sit there and guess for five minutes until we get it. The state this guy is in is making someone else down the hall, already delusional and paranoid, very agitated.

Basically we had a whole back hall full of guys who were pissed off and angry and just no fucking way to handle it. Two of them ended up getting PRN sedative injections because, what the fuck else could we do, today? Patients are pissed off, I'm pissed off, and I'm hungry and frustrated and worried about what my violent patient is going to do when he wakes up.

The very worst part of it all is, I'm hungry. I have one rule about my job: I do not finish a shift without eating. No matter what is happening, I will find food, and I will eat it. I will not do my job hungry. My shifts are 12 hours minimum. If I'm hungry, I can't work, and I can't think. If my hands are shaking and my brain is starving, I can't place an IV without stabbing someone over and over. I haven't done that in more than a year, but my point remains. I will eat.

I snuck into the pantry at one point, where the patient's lunch tray was. There's also patient snacks in here, that we sometimes have a surplus of. On days like this, where I need food in my stomach and don't have time to get away from the unit, I will, guiltlessly, snag a muffin and some milk or something and wolf it down real quick. Anything for calories. Besides, I know which stuff the patients do and don't eat. I never want to take people who have already been deprived of so much and deprive them of that much more, just because I didn't bring snacks with me to work.

Lunch for the patients ended, and everyone had to go back to their rooms for an hour. The patients who were waiting for news on the discharge they were told was going to happen today were all pissed off, rightfully. My boss was on the unit. I ask her, "Hey, do you mind if I run off to lunch real quick?" She and my coworkers are like "Yeah, go, just go." I refuse to actually take a break, with the unit like this. So I just went by, bought some pasta, and brought it back with me. There and back in 15 minutes.

I am, so, so thankful that I did that. That was really, really fucking lucky that I did that. Because when I did that, and I got back to my unit, that violent patient was awake and about to snap. The (excellent) tech filled me in on what happened while i was gone; just less than a minute ago, he woke up, got on the phone, heard some bad news, and started shouting. The tech turned off the phone from the nurse's station. The patient got pissed off and slammed the phone on the receiver. He was now standing in the hallway asking about his lunch, which is when I arrived.

That's my queue. Hey man, yeah we set your meal aside. Let me get it for you, I want to make sure you eat. I go back to the pantry, I grab his tray. Since I can't see the food under the little serving dome thing, I deliberately feel with my hand under the tray where the plate is. Still lukewarm. Excellent. I power walk into the hall, past a few of the nurses, and the (excellent) technician. And the (excellent) technician, in her usual way, removes the little dome thing from my tray, so I can present the warm food to the patient.

The potatoes are eaten.

I do a double take. I specifically saw these potatoes not an hour ago. They were whole. I'm looking at them now, they have been eaten. I check the meal ticket. It's the patient's tray. I announce, "what the fuck is this?" My technician is also staring at the tray. Her voice gets loud, for a moment.

That guy I've written about a few times these past couple of weeks? 20 year psych nurse? That guy ate the patient's potatoes. He saw a patient's tray, a violent patient who was just in the restraint chair not 24 hours ago, his tray set aside for lunch, and he said "Yeah I'll eat his food." And he fucking did. And he put the lid back on. And he didn't tell anybody.

This guy, who has access to a vending machine. To a cafeteria. To his food that he brings from home. To the cake in the break room. To the fucking other snacks that don't belong to anybody in the pantry, that we could very easily eat without anybody knowing, which I know, because I absolutely just did that like an hour and a half ago that nobody would fucking miss. Nope. None of that was good enough for him. This man needed to find the most violent patient on the unit and eat his fucking potatoes. And then put the lid back on. And not tell anybody. Right before we give the guy his own fucking tray.

Just fucking imagine it. This guy was 100% violent and aggressive. Currently already escalated in anger, with the unit relying on me to calm him down. If I unveiled his tray to him in front of him, like I usually do, and he saw I was giving him food somebody else ate, was he going to like me? Was he going to trust me? Was he going to think anybody here was looking out for him? Was he going to think, this involuntary thing we're doing, where we have him here against his will, away from his life and his house and the little dog whom he loves so, so much, who relies on him for dear life, who could not by him currently be accounted for, that this was worth it? That he was going to come out of this for the better? That all this fear and terror he was experiencing was going to be worth it, in the end? So long as he just listens to me and talks to me and works with me?

Or was he going to scream and shout and break my nose and my skull before anybody could stop him?

It's the latter, lets be clear. I already deal enough with paranoid patients worried we're just doing things to fuck with them because we're evil. I already do enough to try to see the best in all my coworkers. This guy, he drives me nuts sometimes, but I can at least see the method to his madness. But this shit? This was seeing how far he could cross the line. In fact, if I didn't even come back to the unit during lunch, someone else would have gotten that tray and presented it to the patient. And then someone else would have gotten their neck snapped! The only reason this was currently not an explosion is we, by the grace of god, or some kind of divine luck, managed to catch the problem before it got that far.

All this flowed through my mind in about 10 seconds. In the moment, I only really had one option to keep this patient calm: I gave him my own lunch. The pasta, I just bought. Man, that sucked. It was hot and looked so tasty, as hungry as I was. But where my breakfast was just inadequately light, that was my own fault. This guy got the pasta, I could always go get more.

He ate in his room and I took a look at his hands. There was new blood on one of them; he slammed the phone on the receiver with enough force that he managed to cut himself pretty deep. I told him to eat, get some rest, and later I was going to clean his hands and put some bandaids on him. He was calm, we talked a bit more about discharge, and he wrapped himself up and went back to sleep.

The other nurse and tech were currently criticizing the 20 year vet nurse, who was trying to laugh it off. "Hahaha yeah sorry, won't happen again," with a sly wink. I did not have the time, today, to go off on him. Other patients were getting worse off because of how stupid the day was, already.

The 20 year guy was trying to apologize and make up for it while trying to play it off; he gave me his badge so I could go get more food on his payroll. Which, I did. I bought the same thing, but I also bought myself a cookie, because fuck you you owe me at least a cookie right now you fucking moron.

My head was fucking swimming with frustration and anger while it was already frustrated and angry. One thing that I struggle with, personally, is confronting people. I just do. I was not raised to stand up for myself and assert myself. I was raised to be an enabler. And I recognize those behaviors in myself, so I have to challenge them when I see them. And I forced myself to recognize, "I can't allow this to go without a confrontation."

When I found a moment, I was giving the guy his badge back while we were alone at the nurse's station. But before I handed it to him, I had to tell him. "If this happens again, it's your license."

He was trying to laugh it off at first, but he saw how serious I was. And then he got angry. That real, serious, agitated voice I saw him do with that patient last week, who was talking about killing the cat. "Don't you threaten me with my license like that." I didn't back down. I couldn't. It wasn't just me at risk, for that. And I was explaining it again and again to him, so calmly. "No. Look at this. Look at what you did. Look at why you did it. You have so many food options. You picked the most violent patient on the unit." He stayed angry. He was pointing at me and getting louder.

That happened for, I don't know, thirty seconds. I can't remember how it resolved. I know I didn't back off, I know that. He complimented me on my nursing and acknowledged he fucked up, he just didn't like me talking about his license like that. He was nice to me and tried to do me favors for the rest of the day, actually.

But in the moment we walked away, and I walked into the med room, behind the locked door, for whatever reason. I put my hands on the counter, and I just let my head hang. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing in that moment and I didn't give a shit.

That would have been my first time getting assaulted. Truly, truly assaulted. I wound up in that situation because of wanton stupidity from my coworker. Utter, absolute, sheer disbelief unprofessionalism. I could be writing all this from an ER. Instead I'm at home, headache, mind fried from "jesus fucking christ." Because my skill did not do anything to avoid that situation! That was all luck! It was entirely luck! Luck, that the technician opened the dome thing away from the patient! Luck, that I was back on the unit to begin with! Luck, that I had hot food ready to hand him! Luck! Dumb, stupid, blind luck! Luck that was foiling sheer dumbassery!

This is one of those times I have to practice on myself the same thing I try to talk my patients through. PTSD is, simply put, caused by being in a situation you can't control, wanting desperately to find a way out and not having it. Things getting violent and life threatening when somebody thought they were totally in control and safe. Triggered by being in that situation again. "Last time I was in a calm, quiet hallway, I nearly died. Now I'm in a calm, quiet hallway again. Does that mean I will die?"

I had to remind myself, in the moment, of everything that affected the situation. It wasn't the patient. It was, but only because the patient was a scared young man with a long history of suffering who didn't know how to manage or tolerate his own distress. It was the coworker. The coworker who I had just gotten done chastising for the dangerous situation he caused. I do not need to show up to work worried about whether or not my coworkers are going to get us all retired early. This is going to mean I need to watch him for his compliance. If he's not going to play by the rules, it's got to be discipline. If I ever find out he ate a patient's food again, and if a patient ever attacks for it, I will sick the state board on him. I have to.

And that's my plan, to stay calm and feel safe around this guy at work, so that I can be cool and collected enough to show my patients that there is nothing to be worried about. Because if I'm in control of the unit, and I'm cool and collected, they can be, too. That's it. That's my plan. Hope it works.

One advantage, one other stroke of luck, to all of this: My boss was still on the unit when all this went down. She saw the potatoes incident, she saw the agitation the patient was in, there wasn't any need to try to explain or communicate via email. She just saw and knew. I emailed her asking if I needed to write anything up or do an incident report, she said "don't bother." I don't know what happens from here, on her end.

I do know, though, I've been telling the other nurses. "He did this and it was so fucking dumb. It was very stupid and idiotic and he nearly got someone hurt and it could have been any of you. So we're all going to know that he did this, like a fucking moron, so we can all make sure he does not do it again, so that no one gets hurt."

Then I came home and did that thing I do when I need to destress and decompress and understand what the fuck happened: Write in this journal. And I've been at it for an hour and a half and I'm fucking tired and it's time to sleep, goodnight, here's hoping my coworkers are smarter overnight.

#nursing #psych #psychiatry #dear diary #diary entry #psychosis #nurse #schizophrenia #cw: drugs #cw: addiction #amphetamine #meth #cw: meth #cw: violence #violence #ptsd #ptsd recovery #trauma #idd

[teddybeartoji]

Congrats on the job!! 💞 I’m trying to get one too please wish me luck 😭 if you don’t mind me asking, what does your job entail? I hope it’s something you enjoy doing 💞 also do you have any interview tips.:. I always get so nervous in interviews 😭

THANK YOU BABYYY💓💓💓💓I AM CROSSING ALL OF MY FINGERS FOR YOUU!!! as for tips... this is gonna sound ridiculous because well... it is ridiculous. i always think about george clooney. especially him in ocean's 11 bc he's just thee most charismatic guy in the world??? he looks like he can do anything, he looks like he can talk his way out of everything and so i just try to channel his energy. and it works btw. literally just watch the movie, he's so good.

but as for more practical tips mmmmm i always like to write down some things beforehand. i'm not gonna actually bring the paper with me but it just helps me stay more on track if i've already answered the questions at home by myself. i know about the interviews bc i was very close with my last manager and she always told me everything about the interviews lmao. and ok it seems like i'm gonna ramble so....

the most important thing is to be prepared. and it's actually very important to think of questions for the employer!!!!!!!!! seems silly but it is. it shows that you have, in fact, prepared for this and that you do want the job. and that you are ready to "work for it". please also think about what you want from the job overall – the pay and the hours. if they don't bring them up 1. this is a red flag 2. you need to do it yourself. even if it's scary, you have to, otherwise they just might stomp on you.

never complain about your last employee or the workplace in general. makes you look really bad. even if you absolutely fucking hated the last place, please just say smth else lmao. you don't have to suck up in any way, just refrain from shitting on others. maybe it seems logical but uhh a lot of people do that and yeah. never goes well.

mmmm also keep an eye out for manager red flags too! if they shit on their own company or workers💀💀💀 or when they keep repeating that the Job Is Very Hard. that most likely just means that the management is garbage. i also hate when the interview is half-assed – they want YOU to come and work for them, so they should act like it lmao.i can't stand managers and ceo's who are just way too full of themselves. they have to have the paperwork ready, they have to introduce everything to you, they have to ask about the hours and the pay before going any further.

anywayyy i think that's all for the tips lmao i have big authority issues💀💀💀 so i don't really get nervous. well actually i do bc i do have social anxiety but i'm just so spiteful and i hate obnoxious bosses, so that helps me get over it a little.

the test day is gonna be for a store room job!!! it's nothing special but i do like the work, i used to work at a retail store so i'm very familiar with it. i like work where it's very... repetitive? i like the things a lot of ppl call boring lmao. so i do have high hopes!!!

#nonnie i really am keeping u in my mind!!!!! #hoping you'll find something good #i know you'll ace the interviews!!!!! #also stay true to yourself!!! #i know it's hard sometimes but do think about the fact that they very likely just want MONEY #they just need people so that they can get paid #you need to tske care of yourself nonnie!!!!!!!!!!! #bosses sadly rarely give a fuck #but yeah!!! #and honesty!!!!!!! #be honest!!!!! #YOLO BABYYYYY #friends!!

[brw]

can i ask what was it that got both emma frost and tony stark fans mad at you lol

I made a tweet that said "I think we need to realise that comic book rich people are still going to act like rich people", said that monet & warren were probably rude to waiters n that simon probably doesn't see waiters as people either but was probably still nice to them bc of the social anxiety but got beast to yell at them for him, and then ended my talk with "stop making emma frost and tony stark leftist icons who treat working class workers well" n that's when people started qrting me with "you realise this is fiction" n "ur going after emma now x twitter is coming after you" or whatever n it's like,,,,, over what, saying they don't tip 😭 someone else literally called me a common enemy n it's like. I have said so much meaner to both characters you have no idea!!!! it's just insane BC a) the tweet was initially abt janet bc someone was also getting quote retweeted over saying janet's current hairstyle is a karen archetype (it is) n i mentioned characters i LIKE before emma & tony but still. still people started acting weird. i need them to realise this does not change my mind but makes me like both of them less. ur making me more of a hater tonystankluvr on twitter dot gov.

#asks #anonymous

[alientitty]

ok now i do wanna talk about that dumb tweet saying the writers' guild shouldn't strike because of viewers' "mental health." it's stupid for many reasons (what about the writers' health???) but it reminds me of spring 2020 when suddenly everyone in lockdown was like "oh artists (read: film/tv writers & actors) r so important because they hold up our mental health!" which is just a strange way to frame it. (ironically, i think then this rhetoric was being used to drum up support for the iatse strike). since when is a tv show supposed to stand in for therapy?? are people hearing themselves??? who the hell came up with this crap?

i can think of two main possible routes to this logic. the first is that as a new generation of writers & viewers matures, people think this is the first time "mental health" has come up in media. millennials are seeing portrayals of anxiety and depression (let's be honest it's never anything else) that personally resonate with them. which is all well and good but that just means that you personally like the show and think it did a good job exploring certain themes. sometimes it's therapeutic for the people involved to make emotional art too but that doesn't mean that, like, the purpose of all film and television is to reflect your self-image back to you?? i'm broaching art theory territory here but come on. first of all in this field all creative impulses are subordinate to making money but anyways i don't think people are just freaking out over ted lasso and the like.

i think the more common logic here is "i watch lots of tv/movies because my mental health is bad" -> "tv/movies holds up my mental health (see also: "comfort show")" -> "anyone who interferes with tv/movies is making my mental health worse." so ANY tv show(or movie, just assume i'm saying both from now on) someone likes is an emotional support tv show for them, which in turn means any interruption or criticism is a disruption of their therapy. so here's my stab at a counterargument: deciding to watch lots of tv instead of a different hobby like video games or knitting or getting really pretentious about prog rock--that's YOUR decision. YOU'RE the one who decides what you do in your free time (i'm saying this as someone who also chooses to watch a shit ton of tv in my free time). it's not the fault of the prog rock band that someone's decided to stake their personality on liking the album, nor is it the responsibility of the knitting book publisher to put out new patterns because someone has decided that making scarves and doilies is their new reason to live. so why the hell would this be the case for tv shows?? is current tv marketing specifically just really effective at convincing people they're dependent on it or something??

i think most people would agree it's pretty idiotic to say your personal connection to a product or work of art should be the primary factor considered when discussing fair labor conditions for thousands of people. (especially if you have NO IDEA how the industry works and go around saying the workers don't need better conditions...) it's like saying nike has to continue sweatshop labor because you love collecting shoes so much that you can't stand it if the newest cherry ice cream jordan 5674s are delayed. but that's basically what's going on, where people think their personal feelings about a tv show/movie now suddenly defines the social, artistic, and economic purpose of a medium that's been around for over a century (as in, no one said it had a primarily pyschotherapeutic function until recently, thus this cannot be an innate property of the medium), or possibly the purpose of storytelling itself (i see this point with video games a lot, which is a similar conversation). and i'm just wondering how we got here???

#newest manifestation of liberal individualism?

[empatheticallyslighted]

For when I Delete everything and Move

Blog #1 Part of What I want to post but can't tell anyone yet.

Was working on a resume for a job I want. One of several I've pursued. Rearranging things to defend myself in this context and that to make my self more appealing for the HR person in the job I don't want to give me a chance at the work I do.

Found myself carried away today. Suddenly all the time has gone out the window, into the screen that I know no one ever see's.

Today I didn't finish the resume and I didn't even apply, so I'm posting what I wrote here to be less of waste of my time, but this is the first time, a chance for someone looking into my window to know what I was doing, to know why I wasn't doing anything it would seem from the outside.

I have things that I want and things that I need. I need to take care of my health by myself. That is my ultimate pursuit, by far. Even Though I know that’s not easy. I’m making many advancements in my goal although the biggest setbacks and hurdles are what's keeping me. Finding work that is what I want and gives me the financial independence I spend all my anxiety pursuing is something that it keeps me from.

Would love a single level, 1 bed/1 bath, but you know how the housing market is. Not to mention renting. My ESA is another thing that I have to figure out entirely because even though by law I can’t be rejected, I can’t afford to fight everyone I find myself rejected by if I can’t even afford the rent they’re asking for.

I cook all my food and do all the things you should do when you can’t afford anything when I'm renting. Wouldn't have left my old apartment even with the 5 other people living there had it not been the increase. My Grandma thinks I should get a boyfriend. I shouldn't have to get a relationship to be able to afford to live anywhere. I hate the usery in that.

Not to mention the difficulties of having two jobs and not having two hours between them to go anywhere else, Another big hit to my social life. Imagine having nothing to talk about with your co-workers because everyone else is going out frequently and you’re not because you can’t afford to use the gas to get you there. I have been trying to save up to move out of Utah for years and every time I do something hits my bank account and the digits play jackpot with zero's. Don't get me started on the people who tease me for acting like I never have money because I don't and accuse me of just being a scrooge or cheapskate.

That’s me but I’m working on it.

I saved up and dyed my hair, for example, since I knew my preschool job would be ending and I could get a day off from the pizza place to do so... Half paid in advance so that I'd force myself to go so that when an inevitable disaster like my check engine light coming on for the 2nd time in a week three weeks after buying the used car, for comical comparison wouldn't stop me from going. hahaha!

I need more money than I have, so much money. Unlike most people I've heard say they're broke, I don't buy anything like alcohol or the newest phone. my phone broke and I got the oldest version being sold which is two generations after the phone I broke. Shout out to my X-Step dad, Jarhead for that coupon and adding me to his unlimited data plan and for assisting with fixing my recent car troubles. keeping me grounded, you will probably never read this, but I love and appreciate everything you anyway.

Thank you, Joy, my house grandma, for letting me live here rent free for longer than anticipated! Not a day goes by that I am unappreciative, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't want to leave, because, well, look at me. I'm a loser in every measurable way. Although we both know you are too kind to mention it. I'm 23, will be turning 24 in August I need to get my shit together, like please.

Some people will say I should get more into social media if I just want something to talk about. Here's a shot with this post I guess but Listen I can't help but be an internet recluse. If I listen to too much music, I enter this state of hating all sounds to the point that cutting myself up sounds more interesting. Not to mention the Scroll of a thing is less hypnotic to me and more like torture. I can only stand so much, so talking about the nerdy nuances of the internet or even things with people I enjoy while still feeling as socially inept as I am, is a major contribution to the depression I already over experience, so social media is not an option for my survival. Like telling someone with lung cancer to smoke Enthought they don't enjoy smoking or get anything out of it except more cancer.

I want to have work that is rewarding on a level that I’m performing meaningful service with people who care about what they’re doing and aren't just doing it because their aunt or father got them the job without an interview. I want to utilize the skill sets I have instead of just filling space for entry jobs I don’t have any interest in doing. It’s a moral drain on my spirit. However!

HERE I AM! WORKIng In FOoD! like I don't have a 4.0 or like I haven't finished puberty. fuckin hell

Mostly I’m tired of being told that I’m an exceptional worker and never being officially recognized for it in some tangible proof aside from the private quiet compliments of people trying to be nice but clearly don’t think anyone aside from them deserves recognition. who never go out of their way to do anything that shows they appreciate others or anyone below them or on the same level.

I'm pretty certain this is a Utah culture thing, but I'd love the opportunity to work and live elsewhere to be proven wrong or right in my hypothesis.

I'm so tired of constantly trying my best and working to get even better while co-workers take advantage of my work ethic keeping them afloat, and their family connections, sitting around talking like nothing's happening meanwhile I’m balancing all the hot pans in my smoldering hands and cleaning up the teacher who brought in her baby let it crawl all over the floor with a full dipper letting it leave a trail of shit all over the floor and leaving me to clean it up because she had other things to get to before the next class started.

I hate to say it but the first people I’ve met, ever, in the most recent jobs that gave me recognition are not A. Mormon or B. From Utah with family here. Were at this pizza place. I wouldn't have applied if any of the jobs I wanted got back to me or if I didn't need a second job outside of the temp daycare. For real the only reason I've been staying at the pizza joint is them. Obviously, I am applying to and looking for work in jobs I actually want, shits hard.

The manager, the one I like because he doesn’t treat me like an NPC in his main storyline, The they, the one that slays and still has time to recognize others. He who has actually gone out of their way to help me. Is leaving for better opportunities. GOOD FOR HIM! He Deserves everything in life Genuinely!!!!! Man was the first manager to make the store I work at profitable. Love so much, huge respect!

Yes, I am terrified and salty to the realization that I will be subject to what I am unfortunately used to at this point from new Managers with a capital M, that is of course self-centered workmanship, complete lack of humility and what is known as big dick energy small dick insecurity. Snaps in comments if you know what I mean!

The other, my manager friend who, although being there longer, was insisting to the GM of the other store at the time that I should have been promoted Since I was doing just as good if not better in some levels, then they were and keeping up everywhere else. That was just such a real experience because they did it in front of me and the GM and weren’t just saying it in private to me to blow smoke up my ass or boost my ego. Even better because I have asthma, We stan a Queen of Coworking allyship.

So, yeah… I guess I will take some blame for not just letting shit hit the floor when everyone wants to go chat in the break room like we actually have a time for break at this moment. I’ll accept fault for letting it get to me, because I know it does. I can be a very spiteful bitch babe, it’s true. I learned it from you.

I come from a fractured family, a low income child of teen pregnancy. It doesn't matter that you were technically married before I was born, that marriage lasted zero memories in my baby brain, less than 3 years barely two if we’re being generous.

Me, oh my who is I, has been passed along from family member to relative family member, up through college in the department of dependency like a child of the state or orphan with none of the benefits to identify as such in any legal capacity for the stupid FAFSA consider me an independent adult before the age of 24 for financial aid consideration. look it up. Of course, now that I'm turning 24, I want to leave this state and live for a minute independently for minimum 1 year to take advantage of in-state tuition in one of the states I've been eyeing but that is neither here nor there at this point.

GET ME A JOB AND A PLACE TO LIVE ON ONE OF THE COASTal STATES, PLEASE I'll EVEN TAKE MAINE, OR or FL at this point.

I'm just trying to finish college which I’ve been saving up for to put myself through, independently so that I might actually have a chance.

Yes, I am 1 math credit from having an associate and have been so horribly paralyzed with math anxiety that I have missed a few days of practice to get my score high enough to just test out because I really can’t afford the time or money for that one class to get to the class, I actually need for the credit to count.

I am an orphan without ever being put up for adoption. All the guilt and imposter syndrome to go with the therapy I can’t afford to go to as much as I feel would help and the ceaseless questions of When I’m getting a car or going to do what other people my age have already done already to combo the peer pressure of not fitting into society with this social media mania that does not match my psychosis. She's a spring and my mental state's a fall, we just clash, you know.

wow, actually it's great that you've read this far honestly thank you for that. I feel like I can really tell you this.

I need Something that lets me be physical, can be a little spontaneous, is social in more than just the deescalate a situation kind of way, I am burnt out on de-escalation. I’m looking for something that can afford me the ability to pay for my pre-existing conditions, a safe place to sleep and have my mail sent to, perhaps some social time to make genuine connections with people. I know that’s asking a lot considering the peers I find myself part of. If I mention anything going on with me, they feel the need to explain to me how their life is so much worse like some sort of limp dick measuring contest to see who's is more flaccid. my apologize for explaining it this way considering that I actually don't get sexual stuff, but I find this is most understandable to the people who can look at someone and just steam over with horny.

I know, you know, we all know, things could be worse and yet every time someone mentions that a baby kitten dies. Are any of us happy over that, indisputable fact? No, but here we are. living life and I don't mean the miracle that is life I mean the circumstance of our place in society-based life being resistant and uncooperative in genuinely helpful change. I can help you get a job at the pizza place if you walk in the store because I have a job at a pizza place, I cannot give you recognition in the job, I can't give you a house, or a functioning car or... you know what let's make this simple I can't give you anything I don't have and everything that I do. I doubt you want that; we'll have to surgically remove 70% of your thyroid and add some problems you have no control over or money to fix. That's life. Impossible and I wouldn't let you get away with half of that stupid pursuit. I don't want whatever you have in exchange anyway even if I had nothing to lose and everything to gain in the swap.

Anyway I suppose that's the whole of the defense I was trying to make for my character as a hard-working individual which ultimately evolved into a rant and roast of myself like so many wasted hours of talk which involves the subject of me goes. You'd think I'd go do something productive after posting this but nope. I'm going to delete it off my resume and then post it and that will be all.

Good night!

Note to self: Delete Now.

#blogtoself

[cakesexuality]

Psychiatrist appointment kept getting rebooked on both our ends and was cutting close to the 6-month mark (when I'd be officially considered discharged if I didn't come back) but it finally happened yesterday

Last time I saw him, he said my main problem was psychosis, which is true and that probably was my biggest problem at that point

This time, he said he doesn't think I have psychosis at all

I asked if we could try a depot, because I'm having issues taking my meds as part of my relapse and a depot would make it a little bit easier

He says he can't do that because I don't have a diagnosis for something an antipsychotic would be used for

I have a diagnosis for something that an antipsychotic would be used for and have had this diagnosis for the last 9 years

I ask why I need a diagnosis of something specific in order to receive a depot

He tells me "I need to tell them why you're taking it"

Who the fuck is "them"?

He wants to increase my Seroquel to 100mg

Even 75mg of Seroquel is too much for me to take on a daily basis and I have to cycle my dose throughout the week between 75mg and 50mg

He wants to change my antidepressant from Wellbutrin to Prozac

I give him the heads-up that Wellbutrin doesn't do anything for my MDD but works for my ADHD, so taking me off it would leave my ADHD unmedicated, but this doesn't seem to bother him

I've taken other antidepressants similar to Prozac in the past and they didn't do anything for my anxiety, sometimes made my anxiety worse, usually didn't do anything for my depression, and were not worth the stuff that would happen to me like hair loss, hallucinations, rapid mood swings, dissociation, etc., but this is fine to him

He wants to give me the liquid form of Prozac because it's easier to control the dose, but oral suspensions have been the hardest medications for me to take right now and I'd fare better with a pill

I just finished taking 28 doses of a liquid medication in 7 days, please give me time to breathe before starting a new one

He wants to change my antidepressant because I'm in a bit of a relapse and one of the potential side effects of Wellbutrin is reduced appetite

One of the potential side effects of Prozac is reduced appetite

The increased hunger caused by my Seroquel outweighs any possible reduced hunger from my Wellbutrin

He says my main issue right now is anxiety and that's another reason why he wants me on Prozac

I ask him what had led him to say anxiety is my main problem so I can clear up any possible misunderstandings, since I don't feel like that's my main issue at the moment and I don't know what I've said or done to make him believe that

He says "Because that's my opinion"

I ask if it's my body language, my tone of voice, my word choices, etc. leading him to that conclusion

He says "None of those things"

I ask, if not one of the things I listed, what else could it be?

He says "Because that's the impression I get"

I ask why he gets that impression

He says "I just do"

I can see that he apparently gives prescriptions based on vibes rather than actual symptoms

After going around in that conversational loop at least 5 times, I say "Okay" and disconnect the video call

I talk to a social worker at CMHA who doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about when he says I need a diagnosis to get a depot and she convinces me to reconsider whether I want to give up on this doctor already

I call his receptionist the next day and she says that he meant he would need to tell my diagnosis to the drug manufacturer

The receptionist also says I'm already officially discharged less than 24 hours after speaking to him, so I guess the decision of whether to go back has already been made for me

I talk to a nurse at CMHA, a pharmacist at my pharmacy, and a receptionist at my GP's office, and none of them know why he would have to tell my diagnosis to the manufacturer

#speaking of not well adjusted #maybe she was born with it maybe its body dysmorphia #plot twist it wasnt allergies #convince yourself