#I do not have an autoimmune disease because I do not spend enough time outside barefoot connecting to the electricity of the earth | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

helenazbmrskai · 3 years

Text

Shush

Wow. I think this is the filthiest and the most messed up shit I’ve ever written in my whole life send me holly water pls (after you enjoyed reading this duh) I don’t know how this idea popped up in my mind one night but yeah don’t come at me.

💊Title ‹ Shush ›

💊Pairing ‹ Jimin x OC (f) ›

💊Genre ‹ adopted brother au, forbidden/unhealthy romance, smut, angst ›

💊Summary ‹ Forbidden fruit always taste the sweetest and when the fruit comes in the form of an innocent boy it’s even sweeter. ›

💊Warnings ‹ emotional manipulation, discussions about an incurable disease, unhealthy relationship dynamics, some fluff, multiple smut scenes filthy so be aware!, mention (and brief description) of sexual fantasies, sub! Jimin, soft domme! OC, teasing, mention of porn watching, brief imagined masturbation, corruption kink, first time, virgin! Jimin, blowjob, handjob, good boy Jiminie, jealous OC, oral (f), fingering, unprotected sex (don't do this be safe!), exhibitionism, marking/biting, almost getting caught, dirty talk, riding, pls keep in mind that this is only fiction! don’t do this folks ›

💊Word count ‹ 6k ›

💊Masterlist

Brushing the snowflakes off my coat’s shoulder, I take a look around the spacious living room soaking in the warmth and waiting for my fingers to defrost, hearing nothing besides the wind that blows outside. Checking the clock on the wall I recall that mom should be still at work at this time around, nothing’s new.

I silently make my way upstairs then halting once I’m in front of Jimin’s bedroom door that has a big J on it. Mom would be upset if she knew I didn’t check on him first thing when I got home so I knocked once then twice before I heard muffled noises from the other side and the shuffle of sheets followed by a loud bang of something hard suddenly hitting the ground. The sound itself quite concerningly rings in your ears.

”Are you alright?” I place my palm on the wooden surface concentrating on the noises that I faintly hear filtering through the door, biting down on my lip as I still didn’t get an answer from him.

”Ok. I’m coming in!” I tell him after a couple of seconds of silence, I gave him enough time to yell out that he’s fine. I’m ready to burst through the door when his voice squeaks out a tiny unconvincing ’I’m good.’ but my hand is already on the doorknob. His body lays slightly off the bed when I enter his room, the bed under him is unmade and his hair is dishevelled sticking to different angles from all the tossing and turning looking soft, wearing only a thin white shirt and pyjama pants to bed. Probably haven’t gotten up from it all day.

”You fell off the bed again?” I chuckle, sending him an amused look spiced with an arched eyebrow – it’s not the first time I see him in this position – shaking my head from side to side, though my eyes reveal that I’m not angry just amused. I grab both his knees and help him to lay flat against the pillows just like he was most likely laying before. His eyes glow like a lightstick with a beaming smile on his face.

”Y/N, you’re home early.” Arching up a brow himself he situates his body to rest his back against the headboard interrogating the cause of my early arrival with a slightly hoarse voice. Jimin looks into a specific direction frequently enough for me to spot his staring. I reply to his statement with a roll of my eyes brushing his hair gently to the side after I checked he indeed has no fever. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that I have no idea he’s trying to hide something I smile back.

I scan through his room hoping to find out by the order of things are placed what he was doing before I got home, it’s easy to spot the differences since I’m the one who usually cleans in here but besides his laptop that sits on the far end of the bed instead of the desk, nothing else seems out of place.

”Why? Were you doing something you shouldn’t be?” I grin, at first the question was intended to be innocent but watching how Jimin’s face contorts into a scandalized look I know he’s up to no good. His expression soon gets replaced with shyness unintentionally a boyish blush spreads across his rosy cheeks. It gets me even more curious.

He gained some weight over the past weeks so his features are almost healthily filled out, the new medication seems to work better than the doctors had anticipated and right now he has minimal symptoms.

Mom must be pleased by the outcome, he regained so much colour to his pale skin too. I witnessed all his ups and lows, I still remember the day I met him. He was in a bad shape, bedridden, so pale and skinny like a skeleton. He couldn’t even sit up on his bed to greet me and when he opened his eyes hearing my mom’s voice calling out to him I came face to face with his teary eyes, hands grabbing his chest to ease the pain that he felt crawling his way up from under his ribcage as a silent tear rolled down his cheeks. He got better when mom decided to take him out of the care system and switched doctors to look after his further treatment.

I regarded him as a responsibility at the beginning of our relationship made sure he took his medication between meals just like my mother instructed. Cleaned his room and made him food when my mother was busy with work. She’s a nurse at the local hospital, she left me alone with him a lot, her job consumes a lot of her time so I had to take care of him almost every day after school even had to take a few days off so I can stay at home when his condition started to get worse and he needed more supervision than usual.

Be that as it may, he had his better days that I started to like so much, spending time with him stopped being an obligation and instead, the time spent together started to be the highlights of my days.

Listening to his angelic laugh, having him listen to me talking about my day. No boy or man ever paid this much genuine attention to me, only him. He has his eyes only on me.

His fierce response makes me come to my senses, dragging me out of my own consuming thoughts.

”Of course not!” He defensively spats my hands away when I try to pinch his cheeks. He looks very pretty when the sun shines on his face. He looks like an angel.

”Oh really? I guess it’s fine then to show me your laptop’s search history. How about right now?” I move faster than he can snatch the device so I’m able to get it and open his tab before he even lets a leg down to plant his feet on the ground.

However, I was not expecting to find something this interesting in his log history. Looking between the screen and his red face I tilt my head to the side seemingly deep in my thoughts. It’s not that I never acknowledged the fact that he’s a man in his mid-twenties and because of his unfortunate susceptibility to having a systemic autoimmune disease he never had the chance to socialise like it’s a norm for most people. The only other’s he meet day by day are my mother and I since he can’t go out because of his photosensitivity.

Maybe I could blame the stars that never flickered out of his naive eyes for the past ten years I’ve known him for not thinking that Jimin could have dirty thoughts. Well, this porn page clearly states otherwise.

I know it’s inappropriate to think about Jimin, my adopted brother, in this way but I can’t find it in me to stop the spiralling thoughts.

Wondering if he masturbates while watching these videos when I’m in school. How he grabs his cock with shaky hands, cute fingers coated in his precum. Wondering if he uses the same hand to hold mine innocently after he did dirty things to himself. I subconsciously rub my thighs together to ease some of the tension that gathered between my thighs, even fantasising about him makes me feel hot.

I feel bad thinking about him inappropriately when he’s sick but I can’t seem to feel the shame when I look directly into his bright eyes now. The rational part of my brain screams that it’s inappropriate even though we are not blood-related.

Heck, not at all as mom adopted him when his last remaining family member, his father died ten years ago.

Jimin’s facial expression is like an open book I read him so well. Poor boy can’t even lie everything he thinks about is apparent on his pretty face.

Afraid that I’ll call him names he lowers his gaze, waiting for me to tell him that I’m disappointed and disgusted by him now that I discovered his dirty little secret that he rubs one out to porn but oh boy he has no idea. That I think about him in a way a sister shouldn’t. That there is nothing wrong with being curious. He has all the right to be. It’s easy to forget he’s older than me when I’m the more experienced one in everything.

”Hey it’s ok,” I get to my previous position, sitting down on the edge of his bed right next to his waistline. I curl a finger under his chin to level his face with mine, showing him a small smile indicating that everything’s gonna be alright.

”I watch porn sometimes too, there’s nothing to be ashamed of here Jiminie. It’s only natural to be curious about it. It’s human nature.” He avoids making eye contact but a tiny nod in my direction shows me that he’s listening.

”If you want I promise I’ll forget that this ever happened. Do you want that honey?” Nudging his pinky with mine I offer him the chance to change the topic to something light.

”You won’t tell mom about it, right?” Nodding my head in agreement I assure him that this piece of information can be our secret and no one has to know that this conversation ever happened. It appears to calm him down gradually as he finally reciprocates my gaze and sighs in relief. What you didn’t expect to hear after that, however, was an explanation of why he started watching porn.

”I want to know how it feels.” Jimin admits shyly, looking around to avoid my eyes as he tells me his hidden thoughts and I find him truly endearing. The previous tense atmosphere seems to completely fade away as Jimin relaxes his muscles against the bedsheet and opens up his heart.

”What? Sex?” I asked, watching his reactions closely as I experimentally place my palm above his right knee. An innocent touch.

Jimin shivers into the contact but other than that nothing remarkably changes in his behaviour or posture. He pays careful attention to not let his feelings show up on his otherwise expressive face. Cute. Sooner or later I’ll know how he really feels about my advances as he can’t keep pretending for long. He was never good at it.

”Yes. They seem to like it so much when I’m watching those videos.” Humming approvingly I rest a manicured nail at the edge of his waistband, this earns a sharp inhale of breath but he doesn’t try to remove my touch that indicates he’s not uncomfortable with me touching him. He doesn’t seem bothered, just a little sheepish.

”You know, a video is nothing compared to the real thing.” I let a single finger slide under his shirt drawing circles into his hipbone eyes watching the way his chest moves up and down a little faster at that.

”What a shame that you don’t know pretty girls to have sex with.” Deciding it’s time to remove my hand I’m letting the limb fall to my side lazily. Jimin’s lips immediately form a pout after I stop making advances on his body, showing me that he was expecting something more. All this time I thought he doesn’t see me like I see him but maybe I was wrong assuming that. Gaining confidence I decide it’s time to push his buttons a little more.

”I’m sure girls would form long lines to get into your pants baby. I wouldn’t be surprised since you are so pretty.” The praise makes his ears bright red, mother did a good job with giving him a boyish undercut a good fashion choice to leave the tips longer so I can easily comb my fingers through it, curling a few strays behind his ears.

”Y-Y/N.” A breathy moan leaves his lips as I kiss the underside of his jaw on impulse, finding stability by grabbing onto his thighs to lean closer and breathe in his clean scent. I push him against the headboard but he doesn’t mind it at all, too lost in the moment, feeling my lips on his throat to register any pain.

I pull away slightly to reconnect our eyes. Jimin licks his dry lips, not having anyone to talk to until I arrived home, he kept his mouth shut only feeling now how dry his throat is all of the sudden.

A ghost of a smile appears in the corner of my mouth as I realise Jimin is watching my lips not even trying to conceal his desire to have another taste of the forbidden fruit. This is so wrong but his lips are so light against mine, afraid that if I apply pressure somehow this moment will end and I don’t want this to ever end but as the saying goes, nothing lasts forever in life.

The magical moment ends when I hear my mother’s voice from downstairs. ”Y/N, Jimin I’m home!”

The cheerful voice of my mother abruptly interrupts our first shared kiss, not letting him chase the taste of my cherry lip balm I place a small peck on his nose instead yelling back that we’re upstairs and we’ll be down in a minute.

”No need to rush,” I peck his forehead this time, giving his face small kisses to lift his mood. It’s comical how disappointed he looks with his nose scrunched up adorably. He really has no shame as he sighs licking his lips to taste the remaining flavour of our kiss.

”We can continue this tomorrow, we have so much time, I promise...”

And continue we do. True to my word I comply with his request pulling the oversized t-shirt over my head to reveal him my black lacy bra and the curve of my waist. His eyes devour the new uncovered flesh hands lingering in the air itching to touch my bare skin but too shy to do it without my permission. He remains frozen in the act. Dreamy eyes watching my reaction to his shy movements silently asking for a sign that it is alright to touch. He’s so curious he wants to hear those noises the couples always make in his videos.

I nod putting him out of his misery cradling his hand in mine to place the warm palm onto my covered breast I guide his movements fondling the flesh, his touch feels good despite the barrier between his skin and mine.

Slipping his hand under the cup his finger comes into contact with my nipple I show him how to circle the bud until it gets erect a small sigh escaping my lips. I had the sudden urge to steal a kiss so I leaned in to grab the back of his neck and crush our lips together no tongue just lips touching sweetly.

I removed his touch to intertwine our fingers placing both of our hands to rest against the bed leaning into his mouth more.

”Is that all that you want me to do?” I murmur the words into his mouth, encouraging him to say more, to do more. Jimin swallows the saliva in his mouth gaze significantly cloudy as he stares into my eyes, shaking his head. He got so far the current thoughts in his head are clearly not about stopping anytime soon.

”What else do you want then?” I press him to answer my question, following the line of his upper lip with my thumb smearing the lip balm that got transferred from my lips to his while kissing, Jimin took a shaky breath before opening his mouth.

”Y-your tongue.” His tongue seemingly came out subconsciously to wet his lips I closed my eyes moaning at the sinful image. He really did his research, I’m about to give him everything he wants if he keeps up with these innocent yet so dirty looks.

”Where do you want it?” I grin moving closer so our thighs are firmly pressed together letting go of his hand to cup his face with both hands. Bending my head to peck the outline of his vein on his neck his pulse quickens under my touch. Pleased to have had such a great effect on him.

”In my mouth.” He squeaks out his response when I bite into his shoulder careful not to really pierce his skin but let him feel a moderate amount of pain mixed with his pleasure. I smooth my tongue where I bit making sure that I don’t leave any marks on his perfect skin. I don’t want our mother to ask questions later.

”Hm,” I hum into his neck satisfied by the answer before lining our faces again to fulfil his wish. ”Open.” As soon as I command his lips part obediently waiting for me to slip my tongue into his awaiting mouth.

”Jimin. Can I touch you?” I sigh into his mouth, he tastes so sweet I can’t seem to get my fill as I discover every corner of his hot cavern licking the roof teasing him before letting our wet muscles touch in a heated battle for dominance. Jimin gets greedy soon as he pushes my tongue back to do the exploration of his own, the kiss turns sloppy and too much saliva. Hands clutching onto the duvet under him grounding his body swimming in euphoria from falling too deep into the feeling.

”Yes, please.” Our eyes open slightly to watch each other my mouth founds the corner of his lips then the side of his cheek and jaw before diving back in parting his lips with my tongue to continue tasting him.

With a feather-light touch, I snake my hands upwards his thin frame and tiny waist feels so fragile under my fingers. I want to pepper his torso with my kisses pushing his body down using his shoulders to see his weight bounce on the bed. But I can’t get so ahead of myself, Jimin deserves to be worshipped like the angel he is.

”Lay down on your back Jiminie.” I smile seeing how obedient he is following my orders without any complaints or questions. He trusts me so much.

The thought alone that he is under me letting me have my ways with him makes my underwear sit uncomfortably against my heat when I move my legs to straddle his hips I feel how drenched I am for him. So pretty and so eager under me as his head rests on the pillows he truly looks like an innocent angel.

I motion for Jimin to raise his arms so I can get rid of his shirt and finally do what I intended to do and kiss his body starting from his collarbones all the way to the line where his pyjama pants hide the delicious lines of his hip bones.

I press kisses of praises into his shoulder blades moving down following the line of his sternum to give attentive licks and pecks all over his stomach feeling his muscles tensing under my lips whines and other sweet sounds slipping out of his parted lips as he breathes heavily through his nose with his eyes closed.

When I let a couple of fingers slide under his pants I realise the lack of material under my touch. He’s not wearing his boxers. The outline of his dick is evident when I look down he’s not that long but where he lacks his grith makes up for it as I can already imagine how good he would feel buried in me stretching my walls so good.

”Do you want me to touch your pretty cock darling?” I don’t forget to ask for permission even though by now I can clearly see how much he wants all this. The sight itself, how his member strains against the concealing fabric is an awfully clear giveaway of his growing desires. Jimin maintains our eye contact with hooded eyes nodding his head fervently before he can confirm his needs with words. His body burns but not with fever.

”I..yes, please. I w-want you to.” Jimin squirms waiting for me to do something that would relieve some of the tension in his joints. His cock feels heavy in my hand ready to sink into my cunt anytime, I can’t wait to put my mouth around it first but I have to be patient. I circle a digit around the tip testing how much precum he has for me.

Holding the digit up to my lips I taste the slightly salty substance humming approvingly. Tugging his pants down I get to work giving a kiss to the tip before coating his member with my saliva so I can lubricate his shaft enough so it won’t hurt him. His whole body shakes when my mouth makes contact with his cock his virgin body overwhelmed with the new sensation the little pleasure already too much for him to handle.

I make a mental note about grabbing some lube on my way home tomorrow so I can be prepared for situations like this. My lips suddenly widen into a Cheshire grin as I deliver the last lick all the way up to the hilt replacing my mouth with my hand.

”Jiminie look here for a little.” I coax him to open his eyes again with a sweet voice. ”Like that darling.” I praise him when his eyes met mine, choosing the moment his gaze connects with mine to use the same hand that pleasured him to glide under my jeans and underwear mixing my arousal with his precum I moan for the show as I rub my clit before collecting my essence so I can use it on his dick giving him the needed extra lubricant.

Jimin’s eyes don’t stay open for long when I finally touch him properly with the intent of making him cum. He can’t seem to keep his moans and throaty whines to himself as I give him a confident grip increasing the speed of my wrist when his whines became more high pitched his body gives away all the signs when he shakes under my touch that he’s close embarrassingly fast but I don’t mind, it’s his first time after all. We can always work on his stamina later.

”Relax baby and just enjoy this.” I encourage him to let go, massaging his thighs with my free hand to relax his strained muscles, slowing down my strokes but give special treatment to the tip collecting the forming precum. ”There’s no need for you to hold back.” I peck his hip picking up my pace again for a few moments longer before taking him into my mouth waiting for him to cum swirling my tongue over the tip repeatedly.

”Y-Y/N.” My name comes out in moans like a broken record when he finally lets all the tension seep away from his body letting the building pleasure force him into submission as he cums into my mouth his body goes limp when the pleasure fades away after I let him ride out his high with gentle licks.

I place the duvet over his sleepy form after I help him back into his clothes, tucking him in as I kiss his cheek to say ’sleep tight’ with the gesture.

I toss the food around on my plate in front of me tentatively listening to the conversation held between my parent and her guest but not engaging, sinking my fork into the broccoli angrily as I hear Natalie’s sugar-coated voice destined for only Jimin’s ears to catch.

She leeched herself onto him as soon as she stepped into this house annoying me with saying stuff like ’you have such a nice brother’ just to emphasise my relation to him. Even my mom takes her side saying that they look cute together.

I know she wants Jimin to socialise, that’s why this dinner is purposefully held in the first place but I can’t seem to show a different emotion than disgust when I look at Natalie trying to woo my Jimin. She will never know how he sounds when he’s about to blow his load or how he would taste against her tongue because only I can see that side of him no one else, and especially not her.

His ears are red from her constant compliments and I swear I even saw her hand grip his shoulder when she laughed about something my mom said, he shies away from her because he never kept a conversation going on with another girl that wasn’t me or my mom before but that doesn’t mean jealousy doesn’t bubble up in my chest when he doesn’t deny her advances explicitly.

The dinner continues for an awfully long time before I could excuse myself from the table to hide away in my room and peacefully start yelling into my pillow to relieve my pent up frustration throughout this unpleasant meal.

Either Jimin genuinely didn’t have a clue what she was implying or he was aware but fine with it I don’t want to waste any more time and watch her all over him. I continued sulking in my room when I heard a knock on my door grunting a ’yes’ before I resembled smashing my keyboard I suddenly felt the urge to complete that assignment I procrastinated on so I can keep my mind focused on something else.

I avert my gaze from the screen to see who’s my intruder but I refocus on my computer when I see it’s Jimin. I’m not in the mood to talk to him right now since the picture of Natalie all over him is the first image to enter my mind.

”What? Dinner’s over so soon?” I’m careful to use an unaffected tone when I speak up, holding myself back from making eye contact even though I would love to see his face, we haven’t got time all day to talk or cuddle at all since I had to help my mother all evening to prepare for this dinner that was a waste of time anyway.

Jimin stays silent not bothering to answer my question but I still refuse to look at him as I pretend to be absorbed in my work. Even if it’s far from reality when the only thing consuming my thoughts right now is that I want him to tell me no one else is going to touch him only I can make him feel that good. That he wants. No, needs only me.

”A-are you angry? Please don’t be.” I still don’t turn around and looks like it makes him desperate for my attention he thugs at my blouse but I don’t react.

I want him to panic take over his body so he won’t do this to me again. I have to busy my fingers with typing so I don’t move to card my fingers through his locks like I long to do when he lays his head on my lap kneeling on the ground to do so. I don’t push his head away but doesn’t react either.

Half an hour passes in this manner, only my typing is heard in the otherwise silent room Jimin’s head still resting on my thighs hands circling my waist. I’m halfway done with my assignment when I feel Jimin’s nose nudge my centre. I showered after I excused myself from the dinner to blow off some steam and calm down grabbing only a pair of underwear and a shirt to cover my body with.

Jimin placed a kiss on my clothed clit making my body jerk in surprise forcing me with his bold actions to finally look at him our gaze locks as soon as I look down. Jimin folds the sides of my blouse so he can get access to the rest of my underwear following my panty line with his nose.

”Can I make it up to you?” Jimin looks up with innocent eyes that have my stomach twist in excitement but I try not to show him how much he can affect me as well. I’ll still make him pay for his actions.

”So you know you did something wrong.” I scoff but it ends up in a gasp when he licks the front of my underwear without a warning.

I grip his hair to keep him in place holding him close enough so his head still rests on my thighs but not that close to letting him lick my centre again. He’s playing dangerous games right now but I don’t know if I have it in me to be gentle with him.

”You should stop before I can’t guarantee that I won’t lose my control.” I warn him through my gritted teeth, closing my eyes for a moment to focus on my breathing, his eyes grew bigger for a moment before the previous shocked expression morphs into something else.

He can’t reach my cunt from where he’s restrained by my hands so he licks the inner side of my thigh his teeth nibbling on my sensitive skin.

I loosen my grip on his hair smoothing the silky locks out of his eyes but he cleverly uses the gesture to scoot forward and have another taste placing a more confident lick stretching the rubberband side of my panty with his teeth sliding his hands over my stomach that was previously so obediently circling my waist.

”You don’t have to do it.” I remind him, feeling out of breath from his kitten licks over my clothed mound.

”I know.” Jimin replies with a sweet smile adorning his face before he pulls my underwear down my legs slowly, watching with interest as I part my legs so he can have a good look at my glistening core.

”The girls from the videos always like it when the boy does this.” Jimin murmurs under his breath absentmindedly before rubbing my clit with his fingertips his digits dipping lower to catch where most of my arousal gathers a single digit nudging my entrance. I part my legs more so he can get more comfortable between them I let him get familiar with my most intimate part before I pull his hand away with shaky fingers.

”Taste it.” I order for him to pop his fingers into his mouth licking my arousal clean from them and he doesn’t disappoint as he does.

Now that his fingers are coated with his saliva I guide it back to my core. ”Want your finger in me.” I throw my head back when he enters, my walls sucking his finger in his movements are inexperienced and uncoordinated but I let him experiment until he gets the hang of it, and oh when he does. His one finger turns into two soon as he finds the best way to pound into my wet cunt curling the digits just the right way to make me see stars. ”Doing so good Jiminie.” I tell him between heavy pants as the rhythmical hard thrusts of his fingers starts to become too much to handle I feel my insides tighten just like my walls tighten around his fingers getting closer and closer.

I open my eyes to watch him lean down his hair tickling my inner thighs as he nestles between my legs licking at my clit while the movement of his hand never falters, the new stimulus that his visual between my legs and his tongue on my nub adds to the feeling, making me come undone around his fingers.

”Stand up baby.” I motion for him to stand as well, his finger slips out of my hole, with a confused expression plastered on his face but doesn’t question my intentions as he obligates standing on his wobbly feet I let him sit down to where I was before straddling his hips.

”Are you going to let me ride your cock? Make you mine?” I ask him using my sweetest tones before slowly kissing his lips making sure to map out his mouth once more before turning my attention to kiss the expanse of his neck.

”Yes. Fuck yes.” The way how the curse word slipped through his mind without him noticing is endearing, he can always surprise me with something doesn’t matter how much time I dedicate to learning his body and soul, he’ll always have layers to discover. These good days sometimes even weeks when his illness hides its ugly face into the background are so precious that I wish we could always be like this.

I situate my body so I can pull his sweats down I pleasantly discover that he doesn’t wear his underwear when his dick slaps against his stomach. I reach for one of the drawers where I know I placed the lube.

I squeeze some into my hand before wrapping my fingers around his fully hardened shaft smearing the lube over him Jimin whines when he feels the cold liquid hit his hot member moaning once I roll my wrist the way he seems to like so much. Have enough of the foreplay I position him in front of my entrance making eye contact with him before taking him in letting him have the chance of backing out.

Jimin’s thighs shake as I take him in fully he tries muffling his moans by biting down on my shoulder so our guests don’t find out what we are doing in my room. With a smirk on my face, I roll my hips getting the best responses as Jimin tries to hold back his cries tightening his hold on my waist to slow my thrusts down but I don’t listen to him as I start to grind down on him letting his member pull out almost all the way before sinking down enjoying how good he fills me up.

I slow down as a knock is heard at my door Jimin’s eyes widen in fear but I don’t let him move an inch as I silently take my seat with his cock buried between my folds he holds back a moan when I clench around him.

”Mom?” I call out to her, my voice a bit shaky but I was able to mask it away enough that it doesn’t sound suspicious.

”Are you alright? Can I come in?” I hear her worried voice, she probably heard Jimin’s louder cries and she thinks something’s wrong. At this moment I’m really glad that my mom is very dense.

”I’m feeling unwell so I’m going to sleep immediately but you go and have fun with the guests don’t worry.” I offer her my reply as I circle my waist can’t keep still as Jimin’s dick feels heavenly it shouldn’t turn me on as much as it does seeing how pathetically he tries to prevent my mother from hearing his moans but his innocent facade can’t fool me as I feel him twitch inside me as I talk to my mother while he’s balls deep in my cunt. I wonder if he wants us to get caught or that he would like me to fuck him in front of Natalie on our dining table so she can see she never had a chance with him.

”Fine but come and get me if you need anything.” She leaves with these last words without further protests and I thank her while bouncing on Jimin’s lap silencing his cries by kissing him hard.

”What mom would think if she saw you in this situation Jiminie? Fucking me while you pretend to be an angel in front of her. Kissing her cheek with the same lips that were buried between my legs moments prior.” I whisper next to the shell of his ear he lets out embarrassed whines but I can feel him enjoy how I fuck myself using him.

My thighs ache as I increase the pace feeling so close again I guide Jimin’s hand between our bodies to make him rub at my clit he does it messily but it’s enough stimulation as I cum again watching as Jimin’s eyes squeezed shut close to reach his own high.

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shmegel · 3 years

Text

I’m just having a really rough time with this delta variant stuff. Studies keep coming out that now vaccinated people can transmit it too, and I just see my life getting worse and worse ahead and I can’t see it getting better.

And my brother is out there in huge close crowds without a mask, and he didn’t even tell me that he stopped wearing a mask outside weeks ago basically due to peer pressure.

Because obviously Covid disappears the second it hits outdoor air, right? 😑😒

I said something about it and he lashed out at me and said he was done making any concessions for me, and said a bunch of truly cruel things. I said I was hurt that he hid this from me and kept interacting with me as normal putting me at risk without me even knowing. You should’ve heard some of the things he said about me.

And I saw my rheumatologist and he looked at my blood labs and apparently I have severe Sjögren’s syndrome now.

He says that might cause a fever. He said “this is what we doctors call RD: Real Disease.”

But god the treatment- He’s going to put me on an immune suppressant. During Covid.

My life is so small. It’s so freaking small right now.

Because some of my family members stopped caring, I have to wear masks at home now.

My life is getting smaller and smaller.

I don’t know what I’m going to do once I’m on the immune suppressant.

My life is already so small.

Meanwhile I’m still in pain and can’t even really walk because of my hip. I have chronic pain and fevers and there’s a virus rampant here that seems like it’s tailor made to kill me and it’s getting worse.

And

AND

I can’t emphasize this enough!!!

I haven’t felt happiness in three YEARS.

Not to mention the fact that almost everyone living with me blames me for the “sacrifices” they’ve had to make during the pandemic.

Which of course I sympathize with because I know it’s been tough but just. Imagine being me and making the kinds of sacrifices I’VE had to make just to stay alive. And the constant fear. And then being mad at me for asking that you make some changes to protect me.

And I spend all day every day researching my illness and fevers and the virus. I have 500 tabs open and almost all are research studies about fevers of unknown origin, autoimmune diseases, hormones, or Covid.

And my brother is going on and on about how I do nothing I’m useless I never do anything for him or anybody and it’s like oh my god??? You have no clue how much I do!!! You have no clue how much of my work in therapy has been about “Yessica!!! Do something for yourself!!! Stop doing literally everything you do for the people around you and do something nice for yourself!!!”

It’s insane that he thinks that because everything I do is either 1. To recover or 2. To help the people around me

God it’s so pointless everything feels so pointless

Because it’s been years and even though I spend every freaking day working on these things I’M. NOT. GETTING. BETTER.

And the people I’ve been spending my time on helping with literally anything they want 24/7 apparently don’t even realize that I’ve been doing that!!!

God my existence is just so freaking pathetic

Like when did I become this pitiable miserable doormat punchbag with no purpose, no ambition, no goals, no life?

It’s so terrible and looking ahead I can see so many reasons that it’s going to get worse and very few chances for it to get better.

#personal #Covid 19 #coronavirus #delta #chronic illness #Sjögren’s #I don’t remember how to readmore on mobile #yessica liveblogs life #sjogrens #immune compromised

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lettersfromn0where · 3 years

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My Steambaby Headcanons (a Semi-Condensed Version)

I am almost absurdly passionate about my zutara headcanons, and after literal months spent thinking about them constantly, I have so many that one could fill volumes with them. I won’t bother y’all with that, BUT I want to put my steambaby OCs out there because I adore them and want to scream about them more. So. Here we go. [note: these were created for my The Waiting Game AU, but you don’t need any context to get it except that an Aang/Oc ship is Kind Of Important.]

Okay, so first up we have Crown Princess Izumi, the oldest of my steamchildren. Izumi is the classic Fire Nation princess: she’s a smart, studious firebender who resembles Zuko more than any of her other siblings (though she does have Katara’s chin). She can be a bit cold, but she’s fiercely loyal to her loved ones and, when given the chance to be, is quite the hopeless romantic as well. Of her siblings, she’s closest to her next-oldest sister, Kya, and her youngest sister Sana; her favorite non-parental Gaang member is definitely Aang; and outside of the family, she is very close to twin classmates named Kaoru and Asaka, the children of a noble family who attended her primary school and remained lifelong friends. (She’s briefly engaged to Kaoru, though it doesn’t last for Reasons.) she eventually marries Hideo, the generic but sweet son of a government official, and they have two sons, Iroh II and Kenji.

Then we’ve got Kya, the second-born Princess, who’s just about a year younger than her older sister. A waterbender and by far the most gifted combat bender of her siblings, Kya is a bit of a problem child. As a middle child, a backup heir, and a waterbender in the Fire Nation (who also looks far more SWT than most of her siblings - she’s very similar to Katara in appearance), she has a lot of trouble fitting in, and will often play on her penchant for troublemaking to get attention. She’s also very athletic and a talented waterbender, a skill she’s worked tirelessly to develop. But she’s also fiercely loving and committed to making the decisions she believes to be right. Case in point: when the Earth Queen insists that her younger son, Prince Hyun, marry one of the FN heirs as part of the settlement of a post-war border conflict, Kya offers to marry him in order to secure the peace deal. As Hyun (Hyun, you sweet dumb kpop idol lookalike himbo bby boy, I love you) is nothing like his conniving mother, their initially-acrimonious relationship doesn’t take long to turn into a genuine love match, perhaps the happiest of the steambaby marriages. They have four children - Xinyi, Jangmi, Shiori, and Atuat - and are wildly popular with the public. Stan Hyunya for clear skin.

And now we come to Ryuji, our only boy and perhaps my favorite steambaby. Though he’s a waterbender, Ryuji is just about an even blend of his parents in appearance, and resembles neither of them in temperament. Where his parents are both outspoken and somewhat hot-tempered, he’s very soft-spoken and shy, preferring the company of very few people - his mother, his youngest sister Sana, and his best friend Yuna (Aang/Hina [OC] kid - any Haang fans out there?), namely. He’s the soft, bookish mama’s boy of my dreams pls shut up I am Projecting. Anyways. Ryuji also has a bit of middle child frustration, and he’s the only steambaby to go away to school (Ba Sing Se University, where he studies medicine - he and Yuna attend together bc they are literally inseparable) because he feels rather useless back at home, as the third-born heir. He also later shocks the family and the Fire Nation by choosing to elope with Yuna, with whom he has naturally fallen madly in love, despite his family’s protests because as the second-to-last airbender, Yuna has a bit of a conflict of interest with his...princiness. Naturally, they realize that this is stupid and come around, and though Yuna and Ryuji still don’t see the family as much as they manage Air Temple Island (and Yuna is a Republic City Council member), they manage to smooth things over. They have three children - two daughters (Dolma and Yangchen, both airbenders) and a son (Sora, a firebender, and the next in a long line of FN mama’s boys).

Next is Sakari, the only nonbender in the family. She’s so much like Sokka that it’s somewhat frightening, though she looks a lot like both of her parents - she’s very sharp and quick-witted (she’s 100% the funny one in this family), a talented nonbending combatant (thank Hina for that one), and a perpetual disaster. She’s very unlucky in love, as you’ll know if you’ve read Give The Game Away, and her closest relationships are with Haang daughter #2, aka Yangchen (yes, Yangchen is also a Yunuji kid - there are two, though I can’t say why because GTGA spoilers) and her younger sister, Sana. She has a tragically doomed crush on Yangchen for most of her adolescence and eventually serves in her sister’s cabinet in some capacity which idk yet but it has to be something bc she’s way too smart to do nothing.

Then finally we have Sana, the baby of the family. Sana, another firebender, is definitely the pretty one (well, they’re all pretty, but she’s especially stunning) - she essentially looks like Katara with Zuko’s eyes, and she has a LOT of admirers. She’s exuberant, outgoing, and incredibly sweet; there’s nothing she loves more than a good party, which absolutely baffles her mostly-introverted older siblings. Not a particularly talented firebender, but no one cares because she’s good enough to be super warm all the time and therefore very cuddly. (She is everyone’s favorite one to cuddle.) As a young adult, she’s diagnosed with what’s heavily implied to be an autoimmune disease, and her health is relatively fragile from then on out - it’s also thought that she’ll be unable to have children because of this, which causes her to break off a relationship with her childhood sweetheart, Haang Kid #3 aka Gyatso. (The reasons involve air nomad genes and it’s all very complex and there’s definitely NOT a 7k word oneshot about it. Nope.) however, after an absolutely disastrous first marriage to a scum-of-the-earth type, she finds her way back to Gyatso, and - improbably - they later have a surprise baby, a daughter named Kumiko. She spends most of her time out in the country, as the prying eyes at the palace are too much for her after what she went through with Scummy First Husband, and is a surprisingly happy country bumpkin with Gyatso (though she can definitely still work a room).

Why every freakin’ steambaby falls in love with a Haang kid, idk. Figures. I’m not creative. Will this make any sense if you didn’t read TWG? Unsure. But this has been fun ig?

#zutara #headcanon #steambabies #Izumi (TWG)#Kya (TWG)#Ryuji (TWG)#Sakari (TWG)#Sana (TWG)#Guys I just care them so so much

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exodusmc · 4 years

Text

Blue Iris

Genre: Angst

Words: 4704

Paring: Sehun x reader

Warning!: Major character death, blood, hospitalization, visiting a grave, illness

a/n: This is really angsty.. and just so everyone knows, I’m not a doctor.

Trees whispered in a soft wind, branches moving to dance over your head. Spring blessed the earth with new life and light, warmth basking over your skin as you walked over the gravel path. You couldn't believe he was gone, no longer breathing or in flesh for you to hold. He had been your love, the one your heart fought to keep. But life was unfair and it took him from you, sending him to the heavens, for him to soar in the sky and take the moon's place. You were close to crying again, the promise weighing hard around your neck. Fate had decided for him to go fast and you couldn't do anything about it, just remember and you did, you remembered it all stopping before him. Soft blue irises in the number of three landed by him and you smiled, smiled like he was really there.

“I’m ill…”you blinked slightly, removing your head from Sehun’s chest, peering into the depths of his umber eyes. Confusion dragged over your face, a fright curling in your stomach.

“With what?”the question was dumb, you knew it, because his whole demeanour was serious and it scared you, made your peace so fragile.

“With an autoimmune disease... I’m dying”he spoke the word which shattered your heart so gentle, like a soft caress of his fingertips and not a slap.

Stars shone outside his window and you missed the quietness you both had been in. Sehun had been holding you in his arms, breathing fanning over the crown of your head. You had been happy and relaxed by his side, love blooming in your chest but you knew how life alway came crashing down, how it took what it wanted. Tears were close to falling from your eyelashes, shining like diamonds.

“I’m sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I’m sorry I made you like me...I was selfish and greedy but I tried, I really did, to let you go so you wouldn't hurt when I left..”he held your gaze while a thumb came to stroke over your cheek, trying to rid you off your pain. This was what he was afraid of, hurting you and killing the sun like smile which had captured him in the beginning.”I don't want you to be in pain but I couldn't bring myself to let you walk away, you made my life too bright, you made me too greedy…”

Staring at him had you realizing that he was what you wanted, even if he may not stay for long. Laying in bed with Sehun made your feelings clear as water and agony burning you whole. You could sense it, how your world would crash and he leave but you liked him, no you loved him too much to let go, to let him run free. Hand clutched at his familiar shirt, nose buried in his neck as you took breaths of him. You would stay by his side until the end came.

“It’s okay..W-we will get through th-this..You’re s-strong, you’ll survive and I’ll stay by your si-side”you hated how broken your voice was, how sobbs made you say word twice. Sehun held you over his chest, trying to keep his own tears from falling.”I’ll never leave..”

“Thank you…”he whispered in your hair, kissing it.”I didn't want to fight before I met you, life seemed so grey and I felt like a disease for the doctors to figure out but you came and made me a human again. I could feel emotion, I could think. You made me happy again”

He didn't make it easy for you to stop crying, heart swelling with every word. Sehun held you close, his anchor to the life on earth but both knew about the pain which slowly drifted towards you, death in forms of angles and smiles.

“I love you”the words you never spoken before to him felt heavy but oh so true, like the only reality you had. The held everything you wanted to tell him and he had to know before he flew to dance in the sky. Sehun tensed slightly under you but you felt his mouth turn up into that smile which was warmer than the core of earth, finger making you gaze at him, tears forming again.

“I love you too..”he kissed you, sealing your fate.

“Quiet class! We have a new student today! please give him a warm welcome.”everyone shut their mouths, curious eyes peering at the tall lean boy who walked to stop before the board.

He looked pissed, lips sealed shut and black eyebrows pointing down. You wondered about him the instance he had stepped inside, looking all but pleased to be here. The boy rolled his eyes before finally speaking, rude tones making his words harsh.

“My name is Oh Sehun and please don't talk to me.”you saw how everyone became shocked, he himself never moving a muscle. Sehun clearly didn't care about the other students and you smiled at him, it never faltering when he glared at you.

He may be harsh but you knew something else laid under his facade, something warmer, something like his eyes.

“Uh...Well thank you Mr Oh, please sit down by Jongin”

Getting up from your seat, your friend sent a judging glance at the new boy occupying the seat to your right, the distance between your two tables small enough to hold hands. She huffed slightly, already disliking Sehun.

“He is probably some rich brat..”she mumbled still inside the classroom and maybe close enough for him to hear.”I really don't like rich brats.”

“I don't think so..”you frowned slightly at her, looking at him with a small smile.”I think he is nice and a good person”

Sehun watched you, the warmth you knew he had, swirling inside his eyes, something everyone else dismissed. You hope he heard you, hope he realized you wouldn't judge him before he got his chance to show you who he was, which colors he had.

“You’re too nice...You have too big of a heart”

Stopping with your hand on the front door, you knew something was wrong. Dread filled you to the brim, eyes emptying as you merely stared. Inside your own home would your world be destroyed, you knew it, that Sehun would be hurt or dead, dead, gone and too late for your say goodbye. Hands shook violently as you pushed the door open, dropping your bag. Your mother came from the kitchen, her eyes confirming everything thrashing inside you, tears forming before she opened her mouth.

“I’m so sorry sweety…”your mother’s hug was warm but you still felt like ice.”Sehun got worse...He’s in the hospital now”

Her words hit you like a truck, tears flowing down soundless but he was alive, he was breathing and it was all that mattered.

“T-take me to him..”she nodded, kissing your forehead before grabbing her keys.

You cried the whole ride to the hospital but outside his door, you collected yourself, drying tears and hoping your eyes weren't too red. If Sehun would fight, would you too be strong. A smile spread over your quivering lips, ears numbing to the beeping of the heart monitor. He laid in the bed, skin pale and usually black shining hair wet because of sweat, sticking to his forehead. His lips seemed redder than before, like there was some blood lingering on them The reality of your and his situation suddenly hit you, opened your eyes which you had kept shut, machines connected to him so he could survive.

“Was this really necessary?”you asked with a light tone, smile trying to fight the tears.

Sehun smiled back to you, weakly. You had never seen him like this...so fragile. He had always been strong, holding you and not the other way around. A small movement of his hand made you walk over to it, holding it. He didn't have the strength to lift it but you felt a light squeeze, knees on the floor beside him and his drifting eyes.

“Not really..”Sehun whispered, voice low. You felt him relax, face dropping in sleepiness.”I’m sorry..I have made you cry..”

“No no it’s okay…”you couldn't hold them in anymore, feeling awful as you let the wetness slip down your cheeks again. Pain intensifying at the guilt in his eyes.”It’s okay, everything will be okay…”

You brought his hand to your mouth, kissing it before placing it on your cheek, shivering at its chilliness. Sehun tried to dry your tears but he couldn't keep up the pace, a sigh escaping his swollen bloody lips.

“It’s okay..I’ll be fine..”whisper was all you could to right now, hold him tight.”It’s okay..Sleep. I promise I will be here when you wake up.”

Sehun smiled one last time, fighting to stay awake by your side but failed, lulled to slumber by your breathing and warm skin. He slept soundly before you as you cried your whole heart out, spilling agony through your eyes. The boy looked peaceful when he slept, like nothing was wrong but you knew, he knew, the world knew, he would be far from peace when he woke again.

Laying by his side, not in his bed but a hospital bed, you drew circles over his chest, trying to ignore the sounds which meant he couldn't survive on his own. Night laid cold outside the building, clouds hiding the stars and moon, heart beating against you ear. Sehun’s hand was on your waist, sometimes twitching, scared that you were gone.

“You know..When you get out from this place..”you stated out in the silence, wondering if someone was listening, maybe a god who could save him, save you.”..I want to go on a trip with you...I don't know where but I want to spend time with you”

A small grumbled of content rumbled through his throat, chin resting on top of your head. He wanted that too,spend time with you without white walls and death around the corner. Sehun was still walking a line between keeping you close or pushing you away but he couldn't chose the latter, no matter how much he tried because the promise of your warmth made him fight a little more.

“I’d like that too...maybe a trip to Paris. I’ve heard it’s nice there”his voice was raspy from sleep but still nice to listen to, soothing your nerves slightly.

“I didn't know you were a romantic.” giggling, you finally felt lighter, leaning into him and breathing in his scent, a scent which still held him but tinted with hospital.”I never would have thought that about you back then..”

“Oh you don't know how much of a romantic I can be. Just wait...I’ll show you”he too laughed inside the darkness, moving so he could peer down at you.

“Sehun..I love you, never forget that..”you felt his breath over your lips, filled with life force.

“I love you too Y/n..Never stop smiling”

His mouth was soft against yours, a kiss promising something which shouldn't be promised. Hurt would only follow it but hope grew wings in your chest, flying into the sky with freedom. You felt hope and for a meek second like everything was normal.

Scribbling down on your paper, fingers ached from the long paragraphs they had written. The library was quiet, only breaking when someone turned a page or moved their chair. You were so focused on your assignment you didn't notice the boy sitting down in front of you. His dark orbs regarded you for a long time, the small frown of concentration between your eyebrows. He still remember how you smiled with one tooth slightly crooked, smiled even when he frowned, speaking rude words. Sehun had heard your friend but your answer had stirred something in his stone heart, in his diseased body. Clearing his throat, your head snapped up, surprise shining bright through the hues in your gaze.

“Hello?”that smile was fast on your face, warm for him to melt and he knew he did something bad by sitting down with you, by letting himself be selfish.

“Hello…”he grumbled, realizing it was stupid to act like he was indifferent to you when he was the one to sit down.

You, however, was content with his answer, the word being more than you expected. Silence slipped around you again, pen laying neat by your paper, lips grinning to him. Sure, you were confused as to why he was there but you wouldn't lie and say that you disliked it, no, more finding him intruding with his dark eyes and expression.

“My name is Y/n and it’s nice to meet you”it all spiraled down from there, his heart beating like crazy when you took his cold hand.

Life bloomed before his gaze and he felt guilt when you gave him new hope, hope which would not only him but you as well, burn in heaven and hell. He wasn't diseased anymore, he was normal and he had you, an anchor to the earth you danced on, dragged him along with. Sehun cursed himself, hexed by your life force but oh so euphoric with new found warmth, the warmth which had left him long ago.

Pushing his hospital door, like so may days the past weeks, your heart stopped. He no longer looked like a ghost, maybe not as warm as normal, but he had some rosy color on his cheeks, eyes clearer than the night before, hair fluffy on his head. Sehun smiled to you and you could cry, only from a whole different reason this time. He looked better, he looked happier and your hope burnt bright. Arms couldn't wait to hold him, so you ran inside, throwing yourself around him, tears flowing like waterfall, rainbows painting himself in your eyes. He laughed, he actually laughed, not panting out the sound but having int rumble through his chest and fill the air. Your were shaking, kissing every inch of his face, making Sehun whine after a while. Doom hung over your heads but in the moment was everything flying into the right direction of a long future with him. You believed you would spend a much longer time with him than you actually got.

Sehun sat up more, smiled more. He moved around slightly, no longer strapped to the bed and every time he did something, were you close to crying. Things had turned, he was getting better and you couldn't wait for the times with him no longer in a hospital, instead by a forest or the sea, dancing around with youth and energy. He was warm again, intoxicating in a way you new was dangerous but oh so addicting. Sitting close to him outside, still by the hospital but not inside, made you happy, similar to the beginning, before his health decline. Sehun held you, humming lightly as you stared at the frostbitten gras, knowing you should take him inside but the smile on his face made you linger. A smile which remained you of his grin when no darkness hung over your life.

“Sehun!”you gasped, arms circling in instinct around his neck, sudden fright of the lift turning to glee.

His eyes were half moons, laugh ripping through him as swirled you around. He had decided that it was enough with homework for the time and instead more fitting with a hug, affection pouring from umber. You grinned down, a grin which fell when your eyes trailed down to his lips. The want to kiss the plush of his mouth made you blush, shyness making you hide your face where his shoulder met his throat.

“Y/n…”he had noticed where your gaze had been, a slight heat spreading over Sehun’s cheeks but a cockiness with it. He wanted to kiss you too and was determined to do it.”Look at me”

You peered up at him, the depths of his eyes holding a galaxy bigger than earth’s, stars not just white but in all hues. He was unreal, an angel among humans, your angel. The thought so ironic…

“Can I kiss you?”his question made butterflies move in your stomach, hold lighten, blush deepening.

“Yes”

He stole your breath with the soft kiss, dragging your air into his own lungs while giving you wings to fly wherever you wanted. Fingers came to thread through the hair by his nape, lips moulding to fit each other. Sehun felt intoxicated, kissing you more and more, but you answered with the same desperation. Hands couldn't keep of, had to make sure the other person wouldn't disappear. However, the lack of oxygen made itself remained, so you parted, panting hard. Sehun stared down your eyes, marking your soul as his and you his as yours.

“Thank you..”he whispered, you didn't know why back the but you do know.

“No thank you…”

Even if it was an Monday, did you two spend the whole night outside, stargazing and stealing kisses. You basked in peace with him by your side and Sehun didn't intend to let you go for the whole time, needing you close, your lips against his. In the moment was everything okay, great, and you swore you found the one, the one you would fly with. In the moment was everything okay, great, and Sehun swore he found the one, the one to forever hold his heart.

“Y/n!”you turned around, surprised to see Jongin running your way. His eyes were scared but he covered it with a smile. You recognised him from class and as the only friend Sehun made, besides you.

“Yes?”you grinned at him, that feeling katastrofy brewing inside your heart.

“Hi, how are you?”

“I’m fine, you?”the gaze he gave you was asking you for the real answer, for your answer about what was happening to Sehun, but you didn't take back your answer. You believed he was getting better, a stupid strong hope clawing at your soul.

“I’m good...Well I just wanted to tell you that if you ever want to, you can talk with me.”he smiled wider, guilty eating him up because he knew the hope swimming in your eyes, the same which had been in Sehun’s eyes until he started to throw up blood again.”See ya!”

“Bye”you didn't know then but Jongin did, he knew an end was coming closer and time was slipping between your fingers. He hated himself for not telling you about Sehun but he couldn't do it, break your eyes again, see the hollow of your cheeks come back. He could only hope Sehun and you got to say goodbye one last time, before it was too late.

Sehun laid in the hospital bed, smiling as you came in, already whining over a teacher, making life mundane. He took your hand as you sat by his side, frowning slightly when you continue talking about the unfairness of assignment. His smile widened when you suddenly blushed, realizing he had been staring lovestruck at you. A shyness came over you again but he sat up, proceeding to drag you down on the bed.

“Well I hope I can make your day better”Sehun kissed you cheek, taking out a small bouquet with seven deep blue Irises, the flowers scenting the whole room. Your eyes expanded, taking the arrangement in your hands, finding the petite box inside it.”Happy one year”

“I’m so sorry I didn't get you anything”he just grinned at your distress, pushing you to take the present, to open the small thing. And you did, a silver charm shaped like the flowers he gave you stared back at you. It was beautiful.

You asked him to help you get it on, hugging him tight when he was done. The tears threatening to escape your eyes was blinked away fast, happiness taking over. Sehun held you tight, knowing time ticked too fast.

“All I’m asking for in return is your smile”he mumbled in your hair, kissing your temple before hugging you back onto his chest.

“I’ll smile forever for you.”please do smile forever, even when I’m not here.

You squeezed Sehun’s cheeks, laughing at his pissed off expression as it morphed from your hands. He had just gotten back from the bathroom, Jongin sending you two a disturbed glanc, making you smirk.

“Look! Isn't he cute!?” you giggled, turning Sehun’s face so Jongin could see the way his lips puckered out, like a duck.

Sehun tried whining while Jongin laughed, proceeding to take picture of you two. The images contained some weird stuff but in between the made faces was a few where you were just holding him, smiling while he did the same. Looking at you, or at the camera. Jongin was nice enough to send you the pictures, which is why you were currently gazing at them, grinning while feeling light. You never thought he was the one, with his frowning, but his smile was something else, the thing capturing your heart. Sehun groaned from your bed, calling you over so he could cuddle.

“You’re so soft Sehunnie.”you cooed as you slipped under the covers, letting his hands find you waist and his nose you neck.

“Only for you…”

Everything was fine a week after Sehun gave you the necklace, his cheeks still colored but it turned, hope falling flat. The day had come, the day you dreaded so much. You had been sitting by his side, talking about something which weren't important, when he started coughing. Sehun held a hand over his mouth, concern forming in your eyes. Fright filled you the second he took away his hand, blood covering it.

“Sehun?”you got up, rubbing his back as he coughed more, more and more. Tears welled in your eyes without you realizing it.

“Help! Someone help!”you cried out, seeing the crimson liquid escape his nose as well.

His eyes widened and doctors bursted through the door. They screamed things you couldn't hear, panic filling your ears with white noise. Sehun held your hand in a vice like grip, not wanting to let go, face paling fast. They tried to separate you but you shrieked, crying so hard your head spinned. No! no! no! This can't be happening! He was getting better. Your world crashed as a nurse snatched your hand from his, holding you back. Caos echoed around you, tearing everything down piece by piece. Sehun reached for you again and you could only think about doing one thing as your soul knew what was happening, that he was teared away from you, from life.

“I love you Oh Sehun!!”you screamed through your tears, falling to your knees and even in all the panic, all the noise, was his voice loud and clear, killing you more.

“I love you too Kim Y/n!!”

You wailed out, a soul wrenching sound, and cried more. Your whole body was shaking, shaking for his warmth and love. Sehun would never hold you again, never let you kiss his lips. He was gone, you knew it before anyone could tell you. The soul inside of you felt it, when his own slipped away from your hand, fingers gracing each other for one last time as he flew to the sky, taking his place by the moon, as the moon.

“It’s going to be okay...shh..everything is going to be alright” but it weren't true, it weren't Sehun saying the words, it was something, something which lied about what was happening. You screamed loudly, the air in your lungs trying to find his so you could give him life again. Nails dug into your skin, clawing at your heart. You didn't want it anymore, just your soul to be whole with him, with Sehun. Echoes of life swirled around you and darkness slowly clouded your sight, thrusting you into nothingness but not before you could see Sehun standing before you, smiling and not blood covered. He reached for your hand lulling you one last time, whispering a sorry. You didn't want to let go, life is just too unfair to let your wish be granted, too unfair.

He was gone, no had told you but they didn't have to. He died yesterday on the operating table, growing wings. You sat in your bed, knees against your chest and memories surrounding you, Iris almost choking you with the promise you made. Sehun had lost and you could do nothing to change it. Still some hope lingered, just to be crushed as his mother walked into your room, eyes red as yours, swollen as yours. She smiled but soon broke, a lone tear slipping down her cheek while you had cried all yours, now merely empty.

“I’m so sorry...I’m sorry you had to go through this”she sat down by your bed, holding your hand and staring into your hollows to eyes.”But I am forever grateful to you, for what you did to Sehun..”

Her hands shook as she hugged you, trying to sooth the agony away, the agony of losing your soul. All she wanted was for you to understand what you did, how you was the reason Sehun smiled again, wanted to live again.

“You don't know but I still remember how my son came home smiling, how he couldn't stop talking about you..He was so happy and you did something neither I or his father could do, you made him want to fight..”she grabbed your cheeks, making you looking into her umber eyes, just like Sehun’s.”You gave him the best year of his life, you made his last year happy...and I’ll never forget that. Thank you, Thank you so much Y/n for everything..”

She kissed your forehead, holding you close so she could help you, keep what she promised her son. You wouldn't stop smiling, Sehun had begged her that when he got bad again, and she would do everything to grant it, wanting to see the sun in your eyes again.

“You’ll find him again...I’m sure of it because it’s meant to be, you and him...Never forget”

How could you? Sehun was clear in your mind but as you gaze into his sad eyes did you know you had to smile again, for him, for you. It was he wanted and you too. He seemed to realize your turn of lips, a smile tugging at the corners of them, as he grinned back at you one last time, slipping away when you finally smiled so bright like he remembered, the smile which had captured him in the beginning. You would be okay because you had hope and memoirs of euphoria.

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sickly-qt · 4 years

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My OCs!

I have a bunch of OCs so I’ve split them up into groups but they’re all generally interconnected. I have face claims for them which I just found on the internet and looked the most like how I imagined them! I have a couple of characters that I don’t really write for exclusively, but are included in the storylines on my character page here! This post is going to be long, I’m sorry.

Feel free to ask me anything about any of my characters!

-Andy

The Top 1%

Name: Remington Paxton (Remy)

Age: 26

Birthday: January 1 (Capricorn)

Relationships: Mila (Girlfriend)

Leah (Daughter)

Julian (Cousin)

Ava (Ex-wife)

Physical Appearance: The picture is pretty spot on but his hair is usually neater and he likes to stay clean shaven.

Fun Facts: He’s the son of business mogul who is set to inherit a multi-million dollar entertainment company. He has a semi-serious heart condition that he keeps under wraps, but can really mess him up on occasion. He tends to come off cold and rigid but he’s really just a goofball who likes to be cuddled. Leah means the world to him and she is the only thing that he has left of Ava. Remy has a really hard time in most modes of transportation, unless he is driving them. He can’t drink because of his meds for his heart and he spends basically any free time that he has with Leah. He also has a terrible immune system.

Name: Mila Lawrence

Age: 24

Birthday: September 12 (Virgo)

Relationships: Remy (Boyfriend)

Liam (Brother)

Physical Appearance: She’s a bit more tan than the picture and she doesn’t have freckles.

Fun Facts: Mila is a ghost writer for a bunch of musicians so she makes royalties, but doesn’t get any credit. She prefers to be behind the scenes rather than in the spotlight. was a barista at the cafe in the lobby of Remy’s office building. She’s very much a natural caretaker and tends to be there for other people almost too much. She played hard to get with Remy for awhile because she felt that he was too perfect and something had to be wrong with him.

Name: Julian Paxton (Jules/Juli)

Age: 18

Birthday: April 16 (Taurus)

Relationships: Remy (Cousin)

Leah (Second Cousin)

Physical Appearance: His eyes are green and he’s a little paler than in the picture.

Fun Facts: He moved in with Remy after his dad kicked him out when he was 17. He can come off really standoffish and kind of rude, but he’s really just super shy. He wants to be an orthopedic surgeon but he’s afraid that he’ll never be good enough. He doesn’t like to ask for help or show his weaknesses. He gets motion sick if he reads in the car but he doesn’t do well on boats either. He spends a lot of time playing games with Leah and playing rugby with his friends.

The Seattle Crowd

Name: Liam Lawrence

Age: 26

Birthday: August 17 (Leo)

Relationships: Ambrose (Boyfriend)

Mila (Sister)

Physical Appearance: The picture is pretty much him, just add a couple of years.

Fun Facts: Liam teaches trig to high school kids. He loves teaching but sometimes it really tires him out. He has an autoimmune disease that is pretty new to him, and he’s just kind of figuring out. He’s allergic to tree nuts and can’t handle super greasy foods. He moved out after he came out to his parents and they didn’t really react well, they’re okay now though. Him and Mila were always really close and talk on the phone a lot and they visit each other when they can. Liam loves to travel and he and Ambrose visit a new place every summer.

Name: Ambrose Marks

Age: 25

Birthday: October 4 (Libra)

Relationships: Liam (Boyfriend)

Finn (Cousin)

Physical Appearance: Ambrose has blue/gray eyes and he has some stubble rather than a full beard. His hair is also a bit more red.

Fun Facts: Ambrose is a nurse, he works A LOT. He doesn’t get sick too often, but when he does it’s usually pretty rough. He’s really distant which irritates Liam a lot. He’s very much a caretaker and a very bad sick person. When he gets sick he tends to close up and avoid everyone, mainly so he doesn’t pass on whatever it is that he has. He’s pretty disconnected from his family except for his cousin, Finn, who he stays with whenever he’s in California.

Opposites Attract

Name: Finnegan Marks (Finn)

Age: 23

Birthday: June 26 (Cancer)

Relationships: Drew (Girlfriend)

Ambrose (Cousin)

Physical Appearance: Finn is clean shaven and he has freckles.

Fun Facts: He’s from Ireland but he works at his uncle’s company in California. His parent’s passed away in a car accident when he was 15, in which he was the sole survivor. He has a lot of anxiety but hides it behind a lot of false confidence. He met Drew through an online escort service. He’s loyal to a fault, he will literally take a bullet for someone he cares about. He’s very cuddly and likes to have his hair played with.

Name: Drewann Kennedy (Drew)

Age: 22

Birthday: November 18 (Scorpio)

Relationships: Finn (Boyfriend)

Morgan (Brother)

Physical Appearance: The picture is perfect for her.

Fun Facts: When Drew was 4 she was put into the system along with her brother, both she and her brother were adopted by a wealthy couple in Boston when she was 9. She was sent to college in California where she dropped out and started taking any jobs that paid her well enough to support herself. She’s very much a wild card who never really planned on settling down, until she met Finn. She has pretty self destructive habits that stem from some buried trauma that she doesn’t talk about.

The Bros

Name: Morgan Kennedy

Age: 20

Birthday: December 8 (Sagittarius)

Relationships: Leo (Boyfriend)

Drew (Sister)

Physical Appearance: He has green eyes and his hair is a dark brown.

Fun Facts: He’s a really sweet boy who is loved by most. Just an all around soft boy. He was really close with his sister while growing up but they tapered off after she left him behind in Boston. He moved out to UCLA for school but has yet to meet up with his sister. He has a tendency to get cluster headaches which can take him out for days at a time. Morgan has Tourette’s, his most common tics are rapid blinking and nose scrunching. When he was a kid he had seizures pretty often but he hasn’t had one in years.

Warnings: Drug Abuse TW, Overdose TW

Name: Leo Anderson

Age: 19

Birthday: May 28 (Gemini)

Relationships: Morgan (Boyfriend)

Physical Appearance: His hair is a bit less curly and is usually a bit more tame than pictured.

Fun Facts: When Leo was 15 he was in a car accident with a bunch of his friends from high school, everyone had minor injuries except for him who had to get his left leg amputated. He struggled with addiction for most of the rest of his high school career. He dropped out at the end of his junior year. He was sent to rehab after overdosing in his sister’s bathroom. Alcohol does NOT mix well with his medications (he learned that the hard way) and he promised Morgan that he would stay clean for him. He lives with Morgan in his apartment right outside of the UCLA campus. He’s very independent and gets very frustrated when he can’t do things because of his disability.

#my ocs #Remy #Mila #Julian #Ambrose #Liam #Finn #Drew #Morgan #Leo #drugs cw #TW: drug abuse #tw: overdose

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bitchboypissbaby · 4 years

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idk if this needs a tw, but rn most things about covid and general current events gives me a large amount of stress, and if you are the same it might be wise to scroll past this particular rant.

also sorry for any typos or mistakes im typing this on my phone at 4:30 am.

i am a selfish person. i have felt selfish everyday for the last month or so, because one of my main focuses has been one thing.

staying healthy so i can go to school.

staying healthy so i can have an actual senior year, and get to take all the classes i was excited for and spend time with my friends before we all leave for college, because even though i never got the last summer i wanted, it doesn't matter because i still have school.

i live in a covid hotspot, and everyday i feel the effects of the failure of every level of government. of school districts that refuse to require distancing and masking, of local gov that won't make that choice for them, of state gov that won't put my state back into lockdown even though it would save lives, and of a federal gov that doesn't care if i live or die. because on a very real and terrifying level, the us government does. not. care.

trump holds schools hostage by threatening to withhold federal funding, refuses to take steps to actively keep americans safe, and instead of using his power and platform to help people, he turns press conferences into campaign rallies, spending more time critiquing his opposition than proving that he deserves a second term.

i wish things were different. i wish i could feel safe outside. i wish i wasn't diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a week before everything went to shit here. i wish i wasn't 16, worried about getting health insurance in the future because i have a pre-existing condition. i wish i didn't have to worry more about bringing a disease into my house than homework and college applications.

if i get covid and bring it home, i will be effectively murdering my father. that fear is a reality for anyone living with high-risk parents or grandparents.

but no one really cares. hospitals can refuse to treat elderly covid patients to save beds for people who are younger. because they'll live longer if they survive. because they can work more if they survive. because that's all citizens of this country are: worker bees. our value comes from how much we make and spend, stimulating an economy that works against so many.

covid is a political issue. the lives of the people who get it, who die from it, are nothing more than statistics to be pulled out in a speech or during a debate. because a topic only matters if it can benefit a political party.

bipoc are being murdered. there are children in flint who have never had access to clean water. one in three native women will be assaulted. reservations are being hit harder than any state by covid-19.

but the government doesn't care. they are failing the people who need to be lifted up the most.

i am tired. i am tired of bad news. im tired of being in a position where the only way i can help people is through petitions and prayer. im tired of watching politics and not being old enough to vote. I'm tired of seeing people who could help make a difference do nothing.

this country needs change, or it will fall apart at the seams, and it will happen sooner rather than later.

#rant #donald trump #politics #covid #mmiw #flint #school #high school #government #blm #covidー19 #covid 19 #covid virus #us politics

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autumnbell32 · 4 years

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I would rather spend all of this time alone, than be quarantined with the wrong person. I think of what COULD have happened if I had made different choices, and shudder at that thought. I miss my family though. I haven’t seen loved ones in months- the only people I make face to face contact with are my coworkers. As independent as I consider myself to be, as much time as I spent alone before all of this- it is slowly starting to get to me. My parents are both older and my brother has an autoimmune disease- what if something terrible happens and I can’t be there with them? If I think about it for too long, I start to panic.

Perhaps all of this is catching up with me and manifesting in an increased baseline level of generalized anxiety, an increase in disordered eating habits and a lack of thought for self-care (when I really can’t afford that right now), and an inability to sit still without being medicated. I don’t know what to do or think, outside of continously cleaning or working or binging or working out or sleeping...sometimes I can sit still long enough to read a bit. If it wasn’t for my two cats, I think I would’ve gone crazy already. A few hours earlier I became so restless that I cleaned my entire apartment (for the third time in a week) in one hour. I was so frantic that, by the end of it all, I had to put on my air conditioner and gulp water, I was sweating so much. Because of poor eating choices earlier in the day, I was nauseated and felt like I might vomit. My only comfort was to take a shower and lay down, put on a movie I’ve already seen a hundred times to produce a feeling of security and predictability. Tomorrow I plan to read and go for a long walk, maybe try and call my psychiatrist again (I left a message for her last Friday about my mood cycling and almost unmanageable anxiety- still haven’t heard back from anyone in her office).

#nurses are people too #registered nurse #coronavirus #coronapocalypse #mental illness #bipolar 2 #generalized anxiety #mania #depression #panic attacks #insomnia #mental health care disparity

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3laalhuda · 4 years

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Pandemic

In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual.

Galileo Galilei

We live in amazing times! The world is put into quarantine, and fear and panic are being actively instilled into every mind through mass media and government activities. Yet, every person with a scientific background is scratching their head in bewilderment, because the cause of this 'pandemic' (the coronavirus) cannot be a real threat to humanity. In fact, it is not strong enough to be of any threat. Most deaths, assigned to this virus, are dubious to say the least: these are largely elderly people, who were ready to die anyway from a pre-existing chronic health condition, such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease and autoimmune illness. Many (if not the majority) of these people did not have any specific tests proving that they died from coronavirus; it was simply assumed that they died from this virus based on their symptoms. It is quite common for a gravely ill person to finally succumb to a common cold, flu or pneumonia, because their immune system is not working well and the body is naturally winding down. Everybody dies eventually, death is a fact of life, and there is a typical daily death toll around the world, fluctuating up and down with seasons. If one took all deaths, that happened in a particular hospital in one month, and blamed them all on a virus, then we can 'create' any pandemic.

What about young people and children? Healthy people without chronic health problems, if infected with coronavirus, have either no symptoms at all or go through ordinary symptoms of a common cold. Unfortunately, many young and middle-aged people in the modern world live on processed and low-fat foods, which undermine their immune systems. That is why we have some statistics of younger and middle- aged people getting seriously ill, because these people damage their health daily by their food choices. But these statistics to not amount to anything out of the ordinary; they are the same as any statistic of people dying every winter from common colds and flu. When it comes to older people, apart from poor diet, there is another factor to remember: majority of them are taking statin drugs to reduce their blood cholesterol levels. Statins make human immune system disabled, so it cannot deal with any infection properly.

Testing for viruses is expensive and not common. It is not clear what tests have been used in all the claims of 'coronavirus deaths', so we cannot say with absolute certainty what exactly caused those deaths. But, leaving all that aside, the numbers of people getting seriously ill or even dying do not justify the worldwide panic and hysteria we all find ourselves in the midst of. It is completely out of proportion! Has the whole world lost its sanity? The fear is palpable everywhere, particularly in any mass media outlet.

History shows that the biggest enemy of humanity is not a virus, or a bacterium, or any other microbe. Our biggest enemy is FEAR! Fear destroys our immune system, creates chronic illnesses in the body, destroys our relationships with other people and scares us away from Mother Nature. In short: fear destroys our lives! This 'pandemic' is one of the biggest exercises in mass fear whipped up in recent times, and it is bewildering just how successful it is!

There is no such thing as free media, all media is tightly controlled by those in power. Try to put yourself in their position: if you were in charge of a large population of people and you wanted them to behave a certain way, wouldn't you control media first and foremost? Of course, you would! Ruling people is impossible without controlling their minds. Every king, every emperor, every dictator and every government, worth their salt, have known this for millennia. The real facts about coronavirus are completely out of proportion with the mass hysteria, the pandemic of panic and fear created by the world media. Who is ordering the media to do this? Why are they doing this? What is the real agenda behind the coronavirus? These are the questions many people are asking.

Perhaps it is time for us to re-read Harry Potter by J. K. Rolling. If you only watched the films, please read the books, as films can never give full justice to the books. If reading is not to your liking, I invite you to listen to the audiobooks, recorded beautifully by a British actor Stephen Fry. J. K. Rolling has given a good description of what mass fear does to humans. The whole 'coronavirus pandemic' looks like a smoke screen. What real action is happening behind that screen, something we are not supposed to know? There are many opinions and conspiracy theories flying around, proposing different scenarios for that real action. Is there a 'you know who' or 'Voldemort' there, busy with his evil plans? Perhaps, there are several Voldemorts with their entourage of 'death eaters'? What are they up to? It may become clear at some point, but at the moment there is something more important for us to understand. Albert Einstein has observed with great sadness what was happening in Germany during the second world war. The atrocities of that war demonstrated clearly what frightened humans are capable off, and how easily they are manipulated. He summed it up with a phrase, that has become a famous quote: 'He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.' Let us start thinking for ourselves, as the real truth always exists at grass roots, in the 'humble reasoning of a single individual'. 'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' - states another quote by Albert Einstein. Perhaps, it is time for us to stop obeying blindly and to start using our minds and our hearts? And, perhaps, we should teach our children to do the same?

So, what should we do at this bewildering time? Here is what I suggest.

Stop eating foods which destroy your immune system! These foods are: breakfast cereals, conventional bread, sugar, pasta, everything else made from flour and sugar, vegetable oils and everything cooked with them, Western soy products, all soft drinks and beer, all processed 'foods' and snacks, butter replacements, margarine and all low-fat 'foods', all pre-prepared and take away meals, all food additives and E-numbers. Instead, eat fresh eggs cooked in animal fat, bacon, fatty meats, oily fish, freshly prepared vegetables, liver pate and liver cooked any other way, other organs of animals (kidneys, tongue, tripe, lungs, brains). Make meat stock at home from gelatinous meats (feet, necks, heads, offcuts, skin, bones, joints, tails and other less-expensive parts of animals and birds). Make soups with this stock and eat all the meats on the bone, including the bone marrow. Make kefir, yogurt, sour cream and cottage cheese from raw organic milk. Eat plenty of raw organic butter and sour cream. If you cannot get raw milk, buy high-fat traditional cheeses, sour cream and natural butter. Make sure that every meal is rich in animal fats (beef, pork, lamb, duck, goose, chicken fat, butter and ghee). Eat fermented foods. Cook your food at home from fresh ingredients. These foods will keep your immune system so powerful and robust, that you will be able to forget about any infection and enjoy your life.

Stop washing your hands with antiseptic and sterilising lotions and potions! You are damaging your bodily microbial community, which is your most fateful ally against any infection! Instead get some soil on your hands! Dig up that useless lawn in front of your house and start growing vegetables and medicinal herbs. Lawns have become important contributors to the damage we, humans, are doing to our planet. Start taking part in reversing that damage! Get in contact with animals: cats, dogs, horses, cows, goats, etc. They are wonderful at maintaining a strong immune system in us, humans. And they are wonderful at taking us out of fear and into love!

Stop wearing a mask! It is not protecting you from anything! In fact, it is accumulating large amounts of microbes and creating a perfect moist environment for them to proliferate. Pathogenic microbes, growing on your mask, produce toxic gases, which you are breathing in. instead, spend more time outside in the sunshine, working in your garden. The beautiful spring has started! It is time to plant, to create new life. If you live in a city, get up to the rooftop of your building and create a roof top garden. There is plenty of know-how for creating such gardens (online and in books). Working outside with soil and plants will lift your spirit, strengthen your immunity, fill your blood with oxygen (which destroys any infection) and fill you with love instead of fear. And it will make your nose, sinuses and throat produce lots of virus-destroying mucous. Keep blowing your nose and clearing your throat, while working in the garden. Through mucous production your upper breathing passages clean themselves up (removing toxins, pollution and microbes), making you much healthier in the process.

Stop hiding indoors!The quarantine, imposed upon us, has given us a perfect opportunity to commune with soil, sunshine, fresh outside air and other humans in our households. Communing and sharing with other human beings is the biggest privilege of our lives! In 'normal' times we often don't have time for this privilege, because we are too busy working, earning, etc. Working together in the fresh air and in the sunlight with your loved ones is a joy! They are not going to infect you with anything dangerous. Instead, infect each other with laughter, enthusiasm, positivity and sense of humour!

And finally, do not allow fear into your life! Fear is nobody's friend! Instead, fill your life with kindness, gratitude and love. Just look at Nature: the infinite perfection of every leaf, every blade of grass, every hair on your cat, every feather on a bird and everything in a human body could only have been created out of energy of Love.

Become a carrier of this energy, an agent of this energy for yourself and everyone around you, and your life will transform! Where Love rules, there can be no fear, no hysteria and no panic pandemic.

Legal disclaimer: this blog is not a call for civil disobedience. I have expressed my personal opinion in this text, and invite the reader to think for themselves.

Find out more about the GAPS book and where to buy it

Find out more about the Heart book and where to buy it

Find out more about the GAPS Stories book and where to buy it

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The Panic Pandemic

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chippedteakettle · 4 years

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I have never met anyone filled with more fear of what they can’t control than my own mother.

Growing up, I often felt entirely imprisoned by what she cut off in life because it caged me in too.

When we lived isolated in the country, She taught us to hide- close the blinds, cut off lights, turn off sounds- when the neighbor she didn’t like popped by for a visit to make it look like we weren’t home.

When we moved to the city, I was scolded heavily once for going outside to get the mail without letting her know because the alert from our security system about the garage door being open scared her so deeply she accused me of negligence. When I said the only way to get the mail was to go through the garage she accused me of ignoring the fact that I could be abducted and raped in the time it took to open the mailbox so I should never have left the garage door open unless I was driving out of it.

I could not leave my house to even step into the yard without permission in advance.

She and I both have autoimmune issues. I have responded to mine with optimism, attempting to live all the life I can with the capabilities I still possess and choosing to see my chronic pain as a thing I deal with, not a definer of who I am. She however has become a terrified shut in. She views herself as incapable of so much- she is scared so many things will cause her death. She is scared of strangers, scared of disease, scared of lack. She attempts to shield herself by “staying informed” but it also means she panics for everything. She does not work. She does not volunteer. She does not have friends. She does not commit to anything outside of her home. And all that worry has nowhere else to go but be funneled at her family.

My sister is stuck back at home because her college semester has been canceled. And after a week shut in at home, she mentioned wanting to see friends and my mother vaulted the tension of the conversation through the roof when her immediate reply to my sister was “are your friends more important than my life? Do you want a dead mom? If I get the corona virus with my immune system, it will kill me. I will be dead- just because you wanted to spend time with some friends?”

My mother has always been a hypochondriac in my eyes. She’s treated every flu season I can remember as the plague. She greets its annual recurrence with panic and paranoia. So to reach a point in the world where our own president has been diagnosed with a virus that is the focus of a global pandemic is her worst living nightmare. She’s been living as if this was our reality for years now, but to be actually faced with quarantine and closures is I’m sure terrifying for her. I can’t imagine the nightmare in her mind.

But to speak to my sister that way is even at the surface appalling. And if it was a one time thing it would be traumatic at best to put that kind of weight on a child’s shoulders. To narcissisticly imply that my sisters need for fresh air and a lack of confinement for even a few hours is a selfish request spoken with ill intent and malice toward my mother when it’s just a cooped up teenager wanting a little space.

But this is NOT the first time she’s done this. Hardly. Not by a long shot. Shes been pulling that card since I was 4 years old and I am 29. The “do you WANT to have a dead mommy” card is how she taught a small christiana right and wrong. When I was right, it was what I was supposed to do. When I did wrong, “it causes stress in mommy’s body. And that stress makes me sick. And if I’m sick, I could die. Is that what you want? Do you want a dead mommy?” This was the threat leveled at a child who couldn’t figure out how to tie her own shoe laces yet. When the wrong I did was simple things because I was a child.

So I never did. I never did any wrong. I was her best friend and confidant. I was her fixer and encourager and care giver. Any attempt I made at having new friends or a boyfriend was greeted with contempt and animosity and a viscous accusal that I didn’t love or care for her if I even desired those connections. How unready I was. How I’d make someone miserable if I were their girlfriend. How I needed to stop reading so much because I was just trying to escape my life instead of dealing with the real world and it was shameful to constantly try to escape. How, if I couldnt figure out how to wake myself up with my own alarm in the first grade, I’d never be able to make it in the real world and she was terrified what would become of me when I was an adult. How unstable I was. How I needed to be in the care of a psychologist if I was so unhinged or in boarding school because she shouldn’t have to deal with how much work I was emotionally- it was too taxing for her body to have to deal with the stress I caused it daily as she homeschooled me in isolation.

That was my life.

Those words and actions shaped my reality for years.

But now, I live on my own. In a cozy den of furry blankets, pastels, and starry string lights. A peaceful sanctuary all my own. I get to luxuriate in knowing that no one will yell or scream at me, or tearfully accuse me of wronging them by simple innocent behaviors. No one can come into my home unless I let them- it is safe here and beautiful. There are usually soothing gentle nature sounds playing or the pride and prejudice soundtrack or the whistling of a kettle filled with hot water for tea. Things that are soft on the heart, soft on the ears, soft for the mind. It’s a shelter I’ve worked very hard to earn on my own and create and I am grateful every time I wake up in it.

I work daily with preschool age children at a church program where I can love and hug them all I can and tell them how precious, valuable, smart and kind they are. Where I can squeeze them lovingly -just for being them, not for anything they’ve done so they begin to learn that love is given, not earned. I volunteer at church singing worship music to calm and ease people’s troubled hearts and minds, and spend time with teenagers who are overwhelmed with life and home lives and trying to find their way. I have side jobs where I get to intricately weave hairstyles together for brides and their maids and help a woman feel like a true princess for a day. And side jobs where I can visit a home on my own and pamper a woman by blowing out her hair for her, so she goes into the world feeling confident and assured instead of nervous that she didn’t do her own hair “right.”

I have a few precious friends who- although our lives are busy and scattered these days- are like family to me and have seen me through the hardest days in my life. They will always be down for a hug, chick fil a, Mario Kart and a deep talk if I need it. They are the family I chose, that chose me. I am dating my best friend, a man so kind that he once compared my heart to a beautiful piece of literature because it was so complex and layered and nuanced that you can have read it forty times and still not catch things and said how much he’d love to keep re reading the story of my heart for the rest of his life.

I have cultivated a life where i can be creative, where I can possess my soft, gentle heart and it be viewed as an asset that helps me flourish not a crippling liability. I can make things with my hands and my voice without her harsh criticism or subtle, perception bending manipulation. I have put boundaries in place with the people in my world who try to step on me with rude behavior. And eliminated as many of those relationships from my life as I can. At work, where I cannot control who else is there, I respect myself enough to not even feed into those relationships, because their power grabbing behavior is not my fault and I don’t need to interact with them if it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t have to continue being around being who make treating me like I’m small a recreational hobby.

I have kept my schedule full of things that matter to me and bring me joy, to the point that I am often over committed and yearning for a slower life . But I also know, I love the doing. (Until I do too much)

I know that right now the world is shutting down, and it has so many scary ramifications for people. I may address that in a separate post, but right now, a closed schedule means that, even though my weary body is eager to find rest amidst the uncertainty- there is so much open space I suddenly can’t account for as a reason I can’t accommodate my mother.

Her panic and paranoia this week is unprecedented. She is insistent that I be in contact with her every day. Demanding I be as informed as possible. Her world -that is always so ruled by fear that she won’t even go to a park by herself for fear of a abduction- is in absolute disarray as the United States begins to try to even partially match her own caution. My sister is stuck home in her freshman year of college, going stark raving mad having to stay with her and I haven’t contacted her as much as I’d like to because my mother gets jealous when I contact my siblings more than I contact her.

I want to bring my sister to my apartment to give her some much needed breathing room but I don’t know if I my mother will allow her to leave after proclaiming everyone in her home would be under a 7 day quarantine last Friday after my sister asked to leave the house. My brother recently graduated and asked if he and I could start spending time together at least once a week. He’s been trying to better himself as a person and wants our connection to be better which I couldn’t love more.

This week has broken our streak and it saddens me immensely but I don’t know if our mother will allow me in her home without hysteria. My brother has become her new favorite in past years because he views her with the most compassion, which seems to come from a place of good intentions, but also a blindness to her manipulative nature. She truly has been through so much and a very harsh life before she made a family of her own. But she used that to keep me pliant for so long that it no longer holds weight with me.

Because of his stance of protectiveness with our mother, he views my resistance to her as wrong. Poor sweet boy. There’s so much he does not know and can not comprehend. He would find this entire post offensive if he knew of it. So in his eyes, the behavior I’ve suffered from her were a misinterpretation because of my easily offended sensitive nature. Which breaks my heart.

But his hope is for reconciliation for our family. He wants to be the glue that binds us all together. And I love his hearts intentions. But at the end of the day, whether can see it now or ever will, my mother’s behavior was and is abuse.

So I have not set foot in that house for fear of being transported back to an era i no longer wish to visit. Because my own schedule has left me very run down and our area has had some major weather fluctuations, I’ve had some minor flair ups of pain and some allergy sinus drainage. It breaks my heart to know I can’t tell my mother that I’m a little sniffly without chaos being unleashed. It breaks my heart to know that I really wish to see my siblings but I don’t think she’d let me in the house if she knew I was even slightly under the weather in any way because she can’t separate it from the corona virus outbreak. I hate that if she did let me, she may not let me leave, and if I try to anyway she will vilify me- the outcome im most afraid of.

I hate that I can’t ask her for tips on where I might be able to find groceries and toilet paper an laugh over how insane this is. I hate that when she called today and said I sounded congested that I had to lie and say it was just because I’d just woken up.

Because when you have a mother like that, you don’t get to be comforted. You don’t get to go to her for reassurance that everything will be alright or for care or advice. There is too much in her that demands to control, to micromanage.

It is impossibly sad to know that she will always be like this.

Especially when you need her.

I want to feel sad and compassionate for her. To have mercy for her mental health issues that she refuses to admit she has. But I’ve spent my whole life doing that.

And right now? I really wish I had a mom.

Not a mother.

I want to see my sister who’s 20 minutes away and have us all laugh and smile and make the best of life. I want to not be afraid that seeing my mother will mentally and emotionally send me back 5 years.

I wish she was okay.

#chippedteakettlerants #chippedteakettlethoughts #covid 19 #i hate that things are this way #i hate being envious of other peoples mothers

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creepyscritches · 5 years

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So, I think I’m ready to lay my cards on the table. Bad news that I’m turning good with as much strength that I can muster. This got a lot longer than I planned, so I’ve tucked it beneath a readmore.

Last month my new job ran out of enough sustainable work to justify continuing my recent hire and gave me the axe on the last day of my first 90 days. It really shook me up and hit me hard in my professional self esteem to say the least. On top of the panic of losing a steady income at a new job I loved, I also lost my healthcare that same day, which to someone with a progressive autoimmune disease...that’s scary. They didn’t plan this to happen and it was unfortunate all around and left me with glowing references to aid me in my job search. I still see them as a loving group of people, but things happen and life happens.

Aside the shock, I’ve been dealing with a lot of embarrassment and shame that logically I know is unfounded, but that’s just how you react to this kind of stuff sometimes. This is why I’ve been pushing my Ko-fi and the wonderfully kind help all of you have given me has really kept me in a good place emotionally and that’s honestly more valuable than any money sent to me. I have pretty constant self harm and suicidal thoughts that surface multiple times a day for the past 10 years and to actually feel a genuine flood of warmth is just...idk it’s something that always feels unattainable, so when someone gifts me with kindness it’s an out of body sense of gratitude and vitality. Honestly, thank you.

The day I got home after losing my job, I asked for a bunch of requests and being able to connect with all of you and have fun drawing really was a miracle in how calm and reassured I felt. I know a lot of you follow me because you enjoy my funny art and I want to attest that I love making things that you love. Seeing excited comments or tags on my art really warms my heart and I feel a drive to make people smile even when things are dark for me--making happiness for people is my deepest form of self care. I’m glad y’all are here and I’m glad I can make you smile or laugh with my silly sense of humor.

My response to emergencies is usually to become numb and efficient; to be cold, calculating, and logical in an endeavor to resolve issues and tie up loose ends. Usually in situations like this, I only have to maintain this for short bursts like an emergency call or acting as a shield while I extract someone from a toxic environment, but this is more long term and it’s possible to weather me down if I keep focused on just the giant problem of finding a job.

Because of this, I’ve forcibly stepped back and observed the entirety of my circumstances and found that this period of unemployment has given me a real opportunity to address things I’ve shoved to the side out of fear of dealing with them.

I got my mantra of “Be kind to yourself” tattooed over my left arm’s self harm scars in braille as a physical reminder to myself to treat myself like I am compelled to treat others. I’ve found myself running my fingers over the braille more and more recently and had some deep talks of encouragement with myself to take the first steps and observe what makes me better and to finally open up little by little and ask for help personally--to allow myself to be vulnerable. It’s not scary to be a shoulder for those who need it and to share my experiences with those who come to me for help with self harm, trauma, suicide, and abuse. It’s instinctual to be the warm safety these people need, but it’s personally terrifying for me to put myself in the role of the one asking for help.

I don’t think I’m a rare breed of person at all when it comes to being kind and offering guidance and dispelling fears of judgement, but this idea that when I finally come to someone that I’ll be judged, seen as lesser, and horrifyingly put in the same light I see myself in in someone I love’s eyes halts me in my tracks. It’s crippling mental illness, I know, but an illness is characterized by the fact that it can grip you against your will. Whether your kidneys fail or your legs slowly stop or your mind tells you you’re worthless, it’s out of your willpower’s control and that knowledge is exquisitely maddening and devastating. My fears are results of a diseased vital organ and that’s an immense weight to push past. I can only hope to crawl before I walk and aspire to eventually run, even with musings of how to kill myself later that day fogging up my vision.

I know art makes me happy. I know people smiling from my efforts makes me happy. I know crying with relief despite the walls blocking me from crying makes me happy. I know when people tell me they love me and miss me when I’m gone makes me happy. I want to know what else makes me happy; not just entertained or distracted, but truly warmly saturated with goodness.

Cooking for friends makes me glad I’m here and when my mom excitedly calls me just to hear my voice makes my emotions positively radiant. Having vacuumed carpets, freshly scrubbed bathrooms, and a spotless kitchen brings me joy, but I’ve learned a cluttered mayhem of art supplies and sketches at my work space makes me inspired and encouraged, so I accept some messiness is good for me while I need to remember that I feel great when I muscle through cleaning other aspects of my home. Hiding my shortcomings or misfortunes from people makes my gut feel full of sandpaper, but I’m teaching myself person by person that confiding in loved ones and being vulnerable truly only makes me feel weightless and that things are going to be okay.

I opened up to my mother about how frighteningly severe my mental illness is last week. She knows I’ve struggled with self harm for over a decade and that I have problems with taking leaps, but I’ve kept my scarier symptoms closely guarded from her my entire life. I finally told her that I can’t remember a day I haven’t thought about killing myself, even if I had been having a fun time. I told her that I can’t stop a constant barrage of thoughts that tell me I don’t need to be here, that I’m a waste, a failure, or that I’m just disgusting inside and out. I finally told her how helpless and scared I feel constantly and how I’ve been convinced I’m going to be my own cause of death since I was 10 or 11 years old. I’d never laid myself bare like that and I finally confessed that’s why my countless therapists haven’t been able to help since I couldn’t bring myself to admit the ugliest parts of myself and instinctively protected myself behind a shield of compensating and presenting as a successful determined prized student or career woman instead.

She treated me like I treat others who come to me with the same fears. It felt like a wall shattered and I could see the outside world for the first time. It felt like...I don’t know how to put it...like the world actually did include me in its count and it was faulty logic to think I’d always be the one left out of situations good or bad. She helped me look for some potential therapists and even offered to pay for my appointments, and she acted as a second opinion on possibly exploring the disability route for all this. But most importantly, she didn’t cry or panic like I’d always been afraid of making her do. She was the stability I need and held my hand through decisions and tasks and affirmed that my state is something unbelievably difficult. Idk, she just really made me feel strong when I feel so weak, you know?

I keep looking for things that make me feel happiness even in small amounts where it never was before. This week I discovered that hanging all my wall art makes me feel at home and glad to be awake to see it all. I spent about 30 minutes marveling over my mother’s incredible cross-stitch art that I’ve had in every home I’ve lived in since I was born. My favorite is an enormous jaguar against a black background, slinking from behind foliage, and looking piercingly to the distance behind the edges of the frame. I’ve loved it since I was little and I can’t believe I forgot how much warmth it gives me.

Looking around my home I always think about how much I love cacti, succulents especially, but have never bought any since I can’t keep plants alive to save my life. Sometimes the simplest answers are the last you think of: artificial plants. Even though I don’t have the money to do so now, I’ve been building wishlists of potted cacti, succulents, ivy, and flowers and mentally placing them around my home and I feel happy just imagining that I can have that environment eventually.

While mentally mapping out the plants, I realized I don’t ever hang my own art I love creating. In high school I used to make giant wall pieces but stopped when I moved out on my own, but now I think I’d like to feel the satisfaction of making a big piece and actually displaying it, even if it’s just for me to enjoy. There’s an exhilarating adrenaline rush to realize I can buy some canvases and create the big pieces of lounging felines and animals again and there’s nothing stopping me from spending a small amount of money on some canvas.

This whole time I’ve been looking for work, I’ve been mainly trying to be truly happy. I’m making little steps, but I feel amazing and full of life like those permanently thriving artificial cacti I’ve been fawning over. I’m going to be better, even if I stumble backwards, I’m going to always remember to put my foot back down and take another stride.

Times are rough, but I truthfully feel better than when they were good.

#creepy chatter #i'm trying to peel away all my bandaids and i'm feeling lighter with each one #this is okay to rb by the way--i'm not shy about this

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earlymodernlesbian · 5 years

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It’s World IBD Day!

Here’s a friendly reminder that IBD (aka Inflammatory Bowel Disease) illnesses like Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis are lifelong, incurable, chronic autoimmune diseases, which means they are caused by the body’s immune system attacking itself.

They cause a range of symptoms: the most well-known ones are gut-related, but the majority of people with IBD also experience fatigue, joint pain, muscle pain, brain fog, and more. The association purely with gastrointestinal symptoms actually really hurts people with these illnesses. Not only does the stereotype of “embarrassing” illnesses increase stigma, but it can also make it harder to get a diagnosis for people without those symptoms. (My Crohn’s had an atypical presentation with no gastrointestinal symptoms, and it took me 3 years and 14 doctors to get a diagnosis and appropriate treatment. My symptoms were extreme joint and muscle pain, extreme fatigue, fainting, brain fog, tachycardia, heat and cold intolerance, headaches, and more.)

Crohn’s and Colitis also have a range of severity and a range of treatment! For some people, lifestyle changes are enough to keep their symptoms managed. For other people, daily medication in the form of pills works for them. For other people, treatment looks like immunosuppressants injections in the stomach or chemotherapy IVs. A person’s treatment can also change over time as the disease changes, as medical research changes, and as the person and their doctor(s) find what works for them.

Living with a chronic illness, especially as a young person, means I have to think about things that most 20-something year olds don’t, like:

making sure I drink enough water if I drink any alcohol so I don’t dehydrate myself to a point where I have a hangover the next day from one glass of wine (which is what I’m experiencing right now because I had a glass of wine outside yesterday and it was hot and I didn’t drink enough water to compensate for that)--and this is a big improvement over not being able to drink any alcohol or caffeine at all, which is how it used to be for me!

planning which vein my nurses will use for IVs because I know I’m going to have to get IVs every 8 weeks for the rest of my life, and once a vein has been used too much, it scars over and stops being a possibility anymore

spending hours on the phone with health insurance to try to make sure different procedures and treatments are covered

having to frequently take time off work for doctor’s appointments, medical procedures, and lab work

making plans (either for a fun exciting event or to be productive and get work done at a specific time) and then feeling the disappointment and betrayal of your body when I’m too sick to do those plans

medication side effects like weight gain, brain fog, exhaustion, nausea, etc. (and I’ve actually been pretty lucky with side effects!)

responding to people who accuse me of “faking” being sick--and even though I know they’re WRONG and UNEDUCATED and MISINFORMED, I still hear those voices in my head every time I sit through another chemo IV treatment...but yeah, I’m just faking it....

symptom management: I’m currently fortunate enough to be in remission (and I had an unusual array of symptoms even at my sickest), so a lot of this stuff doesn’t really apply to me personally, but many people with IBD have to make plans around easy access to a bathroom, can’t eat certain foods because of how it affects their symptoms, etc.

I’m immunosuppressed, so I have to be really careful to avoid exposure to illness--for me, that means washing my hands CONSTANTLY, wearing a face mask on airplanes, using my elbow or knee to press the disabled door open button to avoid touching door handles in public (if I have to open a door, I try to cover my hand with the sleeve of my sweater or something...but luckily I live in Texas and people are pretty chivalrous around here!), avoiding interacting with people who are sick or have recently been sick (sometimes tough because I’m a teacher), etc.

I’m not posting this to gain sympathy or pity--like I said, I’m in remission right now and I’m doing great! My doctor actually just told me this week that I’m doing well enough that I can go off one of my drugs which is a pill I’ve been taking 4 per day of for a year (and 8 per day for a while before that), so I’m super thankful to be reducing the number of meds I take. If you’re struggling with chronic illness right now, know that I had SEVERE Crohn’s, was on the verge of emergency surgery about a year and a half ago, had to leave school, had to leave a job I loved....and now I’m fully in remission, working full-time and directing plays on the side, things are pretty damn good. A lot of days I don’t even really think about being sick. But I do want to help raise awareness on World IBD Day--with my symptoms I’m kind of privileged in that I sometimes have the choice for people to not know that I have an “embarrassing” disease, but I need to work on being braver and owning this part of my story.

I have a chronic illness but it does not have me.

#chronic illness #crohn's disease #world ibd day #spoonie #disability #personal

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jkottke · 5 years

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Sunshine Considered Harmful? Perhaps Not.

For Outside magazine, Rowan Jacobsen talks to scientists whose research suggests that the current guidelines for protecting human skin from exposure to the sun are backwards. Despite the skin cancer risk, we should be getting more sun, not less.

When I spoke with Weller, I made the mistake of characterizing this notion as counterintuitive. "It's entirely intuitive," he responded. "Homo sapiens have been around for 200,000 years. Until the industrial revolution, we lived outside. How did we get through the Neolithic Era without sunscreen? Actually, perfectly well. What's counterintuitive is that dermatologists run around saying, 'Don't go outside, you might die.'"

When you spend much of your day treating patients with terrible melanomas, it's natural to focus on preventing them, but you need to keep the big picture in mind. Orthopedic surgeons, after all, don't advise their patients to avoid exercise in order to reduce the risk of knee injuries.

Meanwhile, that big picture just keeps getting more interesting. Vitamin D now looks like the tip of the solar iceberg. Sunlight triggers the release of a number of other important compounds in the body, not only nitric oxide but also serotonin and endorphins. It reduces the risk of prostate, breast, colorectal, and pancreatic cancers. It improves circadian rhythms. It reduces inflammation and dampens autoimmune responses. It improves virtually every mental condition you can think of. And it's free.

These seem like benefits everyone should be able to take advantage of. But not all people process sunlight the same way. And the current U.S. sun-exposure guidelines were written for the whitest people on earth.

Exposure and sunscreen recommendations for people with dark skin may be particularly misleading.

People of color rarely get melanoma. The rate is 26 per 100,000 in Caucasians, 5 per 100,000 in Hispanics, and 1 per 100,000 in African Americans. On the rare occasion when African Americans do get melanoma, it's particularly lethal -- but it's mostly a kind that occurs on the palms, soles, or under the nails and is not caused by sun exposure.

At the same time, African Americans suffer high rates of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, internal cancers, and other diseases that seem to improve in the presence of sunlight, of which they may well not be getting enough. Because of their genetically higher levels of melanin, they require more sun exposure to produce compounds like vitamin D, and they are less able to store that vitamin for darker days. They have much to gain from the sun and little to fear.

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worldsentwined · 6 years

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Chronic illness in America - the real cost

I’ve seen a lot of talk recently about the rising cost of certain pharmaceuticals, and how insanely expensive it is to spend a night in the hospital or buy an EpiPen. And that’s crazy! A medical emergency shouldn’t become a financial emergency too. But lots of people undergo medical treatment every day, in tiny ways that most people around them don’t notice. The phrase “pre-existing conditions” gets thrown around a lot in the healthcare debate, and I’m not convinced that people without one really understand what it means--or why it’s so important for people who do to have health coverage. So buckle up, I’m gonna talk about it.

Full disclosure, on the outside things are going pretty well for me. I have a full time job and employer-subsidized health insurance. I have nearly two months of sick days accrued because I hardly ever call in sick. But I am sick, every day of my life, and barring some huge medical advancement, I always will be.

I’ve had Type 1 Diabetes since I was 10. No prevention, no cure. As I’ve grown older, other conditions have come along: Hashimoto’s (an autoimmune thyroid condition), celiac disease, and high cholesterol. The last three are all related to the diabetes, and other than the celiac disease (which is treated by eating a strict gluten-free diet, also expensive but not something I’m going to get into here) I’m on medication for all of them.

Most of my prescriptions can be picked up at the pharmacy either once a month or every three months. I pay a small copay, and my insurance covers the rest. (This is much better than the insurance I was on my first year out of college, which had me paying the full price up front and then getting reimbursed. At that time, 2010-2011, my monthly pharmacy costs were over $500). With all the talk of $600 EpiPens, I started to wonder what my medications would cost if I had to do something like that now. So I decided to see just how much my prescriptions cost without insurance, and I’ve recorded the results here.

Prescriptions - Pharmacy

Prescription: One Touch Ultra Lancets (x200) Use: Testing blood sugar Cost With Insurance: $17.67 (one month) Cost Without Insurance: $30.98

Prescription: Contour Next Test Strips (x150) Use: Testing blood sugar Cost With Insurance (and discount): $15.00 (one month) Cost Without Insurance: $239.97

Prescription: Humalog Insulin (2 vials) Use: Allows body to maintain stable blood sugar and generally keeping me alive Cost With Insurance: $30.00 (one month) Cost Without Insurance: $723.99

Prescription: Levothyroxine (generic version of Synthroid) (90 tablets) Use: Allows body to maintain appropriate thyroid hormone levels Cost With Insurance: $39.56 (3 month) $13.19 (one month) Cost Without Insurance: Same as above

Prescription: Atorvastatin (generic version of Lipitor) (90 tablets) Use: Allows body to maintain a healthy cholesterol Cost With Insurance: $12.85 (3 months) $4.28 (one month) Cost Without Insurance: $324.99 (3 months) $108.33 (one month)

Prescriptions - Mail Order

In addition to my pharmacy prescriptions, I also buy the reservoirs and cannulas for my insulin pump directly from the pump company. These do not have a copay; instead, the cost is counted towards my $400 insurance deductible, after which the insurance company pays for all of it. Spoilers, I always meet my deductible the first time I order these.

Prescription: Minimed 3.0 oz Reservoir and Quick Set 9mm Cannula with 23″ tubing (10/box, 5 boxes of each) Use: Storing and transmitting insulin from the insulin pump into my body Cost With Insurance: $400.00 (one year) $33.33 (one month) Cost Without Insurance: $890.00 (3 months) $296.67 (one month)

Totals:

Total Monthly Cost With Insurance: $113.47

Total Monthly Cost Without Insurance: $1413.93

Okay, that number wasn’t big and bold enough so let me say it again:

WITHOUT INSURANCE MY MONTHLY PRESCRIPTION COSTS WOULD BE

$1413.93

Friends, I’m a library clerk. Do you know what I get paid every two weeks? I’ll tell you: according to my most recent paycheck, after taxes and deductions I took home $652.72. Even if you added my deductions back in - I pay an insurance premium (not counted in that monthly cost, btw) and have money deducted to a flexible spending account to be used for health costs (again, this is coming out of my paycheck, it’s just pre-tax this way) my total only comes to $734.16. Say I got rid of my dental and vision care too - $749.44. So if you multiply that by two, my monthly income comes out to:

$1498.88

Which means, if I didn’t have health insurance, I would have $84.95 left over every month after I took care of my medical expenses. That’s not a living, that’s a fucking joke, and I’m not laughing.

In Conclusion

I don’t know what this really proves, but clearly we need to take a hard look at the American healthcare system. Because like I said - I’m doing well! I’m able to work! Lots of people aren’t, and they deserve life just as much as I do - and yet we live in a system that squeezes every last drop from those who are already vulnerable. And it could get so, so much worse. If insurance companies are allowed to deny people based on pre-existing conditions, or employers are not required to subsidize health insurance, even more people with chronic illnesses like mine will be royally screwed.

As it stands now, my job and the associated benefits allow me to be a productive, tax-paying member of society. I plan to continue being one of those as long as I possibly can. But if the people in charge cut out the few protections in place, I’m afraid we’re going to be in real trouble. Mostly, I’m just afraid.

#health insurance #american healthcare #american health system #life things #sorry for dumping this on you all but I've been holding it in for a while #I've been tracking my prescription costs and today I finally got the thyroid meds again #so I could finally put this together #it's pretty grim y'all #this is one of my top two reasons for wanting to leave the country #dear America can we please get our shit together

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orbemnews · 3 years

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Vaccines Won’t Protect Millions of Patients With Weakened Immune Systems For more than a year, Dr. Andrew Wollowitz has mostly been cloistered inside his home in Mamaroneck, N.Y. As chief of emergency medicine at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx, Dr. Wollowitz, 63, was eager to help treat patients when the coronavirus began raging through the city last spring. But a cancer treatment in 2019 had obliterated his immune cells, leaving him defenseless against the virus, so he instead arranged to manage his staff via Zoom. A year later, people in Dr. Wollowitz’s life are returning to some semblance of normalcy. His wife, a dancer and choreographer, is preparing to travel for work at Austria’s National Ballet Company. His vaccinated friends are getting together, but he sees them only when the weather is nice enough to sit in his backyard. “I spend very little time in public areas,” he said. Like his friends, Dr. Wollowitz was vaccinated in January. But he did not produce any antibodies in response — nor did he expect to. He is one of millions of Americans who are immunocompromised, whose bodies cannot learn to deploy immune fighters against the virus. Some immunocompromised people were born with absent or faulty immune systems, while others, like Dr. Wollowitz, have diseases or have received therapies that wiped out their immune defenses. Many of them produce few to no antibodies in response to a vaccine or an infection, leaving them susceptible to the virus. When they do become infected, they may suffer prolonged illness, with death rates as high as 55 percent. Most people who have lived with immune deficiencies for a long time are likely to be aware of their vulnerability. But others have no idea that medications may have put them at risk. “They’ll be walking around outside thinking they’re protected — but maybe they’re not,” said Dr. Lee Greenberger, chief scientific officer of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, which funds research on blood cancers. The only recourse for these patients — apart from sheltering in place until the virus has retreated — may be to receive regular infusions of monoclonal antibodies, which are mass-produced copies of antibodies obtained from people who have recovered from Covid-19. The Food and Drug Administration has authorized several monoclonal antibody treatments for Covid-19, but now some are also being tested to prevent infections. Convalescent plasma or gamma globulin — antibodies distilled from the blood of healthy donors — may also help immunocompromised people, although a version of the latter that includes antibodies to the coronavirus is still months from availability. “It’s a clear area of unmet need,” said Hala Mirza, a spokeswoman for Regeneron, which has provided its monoclonal antibody cocktail to a handful of immunocompromised patients through a compassionate use program. (Regeneron released trial results this week showing that the cocktail reduces symptomatic infections by 81 percent in people with normal immune systems.) It’s unclear how many immunocompromised people don’t respond to coronavirus vaccines. But the list seems at least to include survivors of blood cancers, organ transplant recipients, and anyone who takes the widely used drug Rituxan, or the cancer drugs Gazyva or Imbruvica — all of which kill or block B cells, the immune cells that churn out antibodies — or Remicade, a popular drug for treating inflammatory bowel disease. It may also include some people over age 80 whose immune responses have faltered with age. “We’re extremely concerned and interested in trying to see how we might be able to help those particular patients,” said Dr. Elad Sharon, an immunotherapy expert at the National Cancer Institute. As the pandemic spread, doctors who specialize in treating blood cancers or who care for immunocompromised people expected at least some of their patients to encounter difficulties. Dr. Charlotte Cunningham-Rundles, an immunologist at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York, has about 600 patients who are almost entirely dependent on getting regular doses of gamma globulin to stay safe from pathogens. Even so, 44 of her patients became infected with the coronavirus; four died, and another four or five had long-term illnesses. (Chronic infections may offer opportunities for the virus to evolve into dangerous variants.) Steven Lotito, 56, one of Dr. Cunningham-Rundles’ patients, was diagnosed with a condition called common variable immune deficiency when he was 13. Before the pandemic, he had an active lifestyle, exercised and ate well. “I’ve always known to take sort of special care of my body,” he said. That included infusions of gamma globulin every three weeks. Despite taking careful precautions, Mr. Lotito caught the virus from his daughter in mid-October. He had a fever for nearly a month, and spent a week in the hospital. Convalescent plasma and remdesivir, an anti-viral drug, provided relief for a couple of weeks, but his fever returned. He finally felt better after one more infusion of gamma globulin, during which he sweated through four shirts. Updated April 15, 2021, 4:49 p.m. ET Still, after nearly seven weeks of illness, Mr. Lotito had no antibodies to show for it. “I still have to take the same precautions that I was taking, you know, a year ago,” he said. “It’s a little disheartening.” People like Mr. Lotito depend on those around them choosing to be vaccinated to keep the virus at bay, Dr. Cunningham-Rundles said. “You’re hoping that your entire family members and all your close colleagues are going to go out and get some shot, and they’re going to be protecting you with herd immunity,” she said. “That’s what you have to start with.” Dr. Cunningham-Rundles has tested her patients for antibodies and signed a few up for Regeneron’s monoclonal antibody cocktail. But many other people with such conditions are not aware of their risks or their options for treatment. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society has set up a registry to provide information and antibody tests to people with blood cancers. And several studies are assessing the response to coronavirus vaccines in people with cancer, autoimmune conditions like lupus or rheumatoid arthritis, or who take drugs that mute the immune response. What You Need to Know About the Johnson & Johnson Vaccine Pause in the U.S. On April 13, 2021, U.S. health agencies called for an immediate pause in the use of Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose Covid-19 vaccine after six recipients in the United States developed a rare disorder involving blood clots within one to three weeks of vaccination. All 50 states, Washington, D.C. and Puerto Rico temporarily halted or recommended providers pause the use of the vaccine. The U.S. military, federally run vaccination sites and a host of private companies, including CVS, Walgreens, Rite Aid, Walmart and Publix, also paused the injections. Fewer than one in a million Johnson & Johnson vaccinations are now under investigation. If there is indeed a risk of blood clots from the vaccine — which has yet to be determined — that risk is extremely low. The risk of getting Covid-19 in the United States is far higher. The pause could complicate the nation’s vaccination efforts at a time when many states are confronting a surge in new cases and seeking to address vaccine hesitancy. Johnson & Johnson has also decided to delay the rollout of its vaccine in Europe amid concerns over rare blood clots, dealing another blow to Europe’s inoculation push. South Africa, devastated by a more contagious virus variant that emerged there, suspended use of the vaccine as well. Australia announced it would not purchase any doses. In one such study, British researchers followed nearly 7,000 people with Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis from 90 hospitals in the country. They found that less than half of patients who took Remicade mounted an immune response following coronavirus infection. In a follow-up, the scientists found that 34 percent of people taking the drug were protected after a single dose of the Pfizer vaccine and only 27 percent after a single dose of the AstraZeneca vaccine. (In Britain, the current practice is to delay second doses to stretch vaccine availability.) Likewise, another study published last month indicated that fewer than 15 percent of patients with cancers of blood or the immune system, and fewer than 40 percent of those with solid tumors, produced antibodies after receiving a single dose of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine. And a study published last month in the journal JAMA reported that only 17 percent of 436 transplant recipients who got one dose of the Pfizer-BioNTech or Moderna vaccine had detectable antibodies three weeks later. Despite the low odds, immunocompromised people should still get the vaccines because they may produce some immune cells that are protective, even antibodies in a subset of patients. “These patients should probably be prioritized for optimally timed two doses,” said Dr. Tariq Ahmad, a gastroenterologist at the Royal Devon and Exeter NHS Foundation Trust who was involved in the infliximab studies. He suggested that clinicians routinely measure antibody responses in immunocompromised people even after two vaccine doses, so as to identify those who also may need monoclonal antibodies to prevent infection or a third dose of the vaccines. Wendy Halperin, 54, was diagnosed at age 28 with a condition called common variable immunodeficiency. She was hospitalized with Covid-19 in January and remained there for 15 days. But the coronavirus induced unusual symptoms. “I was having trouble walking,” she recalled. “I just lost control of my limbs, like I couldn’t walk down the street.” Because she was treated for Covid-19 with convalescent plasma, Ms. Halperin has had to wait three months to be immunized and has made an appointment for April 26. But despite her condition, her body did manage to produce some antibodies to the initial infection. “The take home message is that everybody should try and get the vaccine,” said Dr. Amit Verma, an oncologist at Montefiore Medical Center. The gamble did not pay off in Dr. Wollowitz’s case. Without antibodies in his system to protect him, he is still working from home — a privilege he is grateful for. He was an avid mountain biker and advanced skier, both of which carry risk of injury, but with the coronavirus, he is playing it safe. In anticipation of returning to his normal lifestyle, Dr. Wollowitz is tuning his bicycles. But he said he foresaw himself living this way till enough other people are vaccinated and the number of infections in the city drops. “I’m not exactly sure what that date is,” he said. “I’m really waiting to get back out.” Source link Orbem News #immune #Millions #patients #protect #systems #Vaccines #Weakened #Wont

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