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inbloomwriting · 10 months

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If I had you II Jamie Tartt

Plot: Jamie Tartt is hard to love. At least he thinks so. Reader thinks it's the easiest thing in the world. Pairing: Jaime Tartt x female reader Warnings: Swearing, mentions of food and alcohol. Notes: This is inspired by the song "a daydream away". It's 5.2k words of pure friends-to-lovers sweetness. Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated. I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please

Jamie Tartt is hard to love. At least he thinks so. It’s a chore to love him, the real him not the overly confident golden boy he portrays on the pitch. Just look at his track record, that just proves his point. Sure his mom loves him, he never questioned that, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for her. He’s convinced he’s made her cry more than once with yet another stupid decision. Then there’s his father who loves nothing more than to belittle him and lay out all his flaws for him and the world to see. And if even your own dad doesn’t love you, how can you expect others to.

So maybe that’s the reason he doesn’t let anyone close enough to even begin to love him. Sooner or later they’ll figure out how much of an effort it takes and that he, of all people, truly isn’t worth it.

And maybe, perhaps, that’s also the reason he doesn’t allow himself to explore the feelings he harbors for his best friend. He tried to deny them to himself for so long. Tried to pass it off as pure, unfiltered friendship. That’s bullshit though. He knows the feelings are there and there is no use in denying them. That doesn’t mean he can ever allow himself to act on them though. He’d just fuck it all up, the way he usually does with everything he touches.

The shiny hardwood floor feels cold and smooth as he sits leaning against the kitchen counter, legs stretched out before him. A smile is permanently etched onto his face as (Y/N) talks about something that happened at her work today. He should listen, it’s probably a fun story judging by the way her giggles make her stop talking every few seconds. He should listen but he is so enamored with her that he can not pay attention to anything else. In a perfect world, in a world where loving him was easy, he’d lean over and kiss her. He'd kiss her silly and she’d kiss him back and life would be sweet and it would make sense. In that perfect world, she would love him back the same way he loves her and it would be easy and he’d deserve her.

But that is not the world he’s living in. That is not his reality. Just a beautiful daydream he allows himself to escape to every once in a while. Loving her in a daydream is safe. It’s secret and quiet and there is no hurt there and no rejection.

“Why are you grinning like that, huh Tartt?”

She asks before taking a sip from the beer bottle clasped tightly in her hands. It’s an unusually hot summer’s day. One that makes it impossible to do anything but sit on the floor in as little clothing as possible and drink one cold drink after the other. Even if that means getting a little tipsy on a Tuesday afternoon.

“Nothing. Just happy to have you here. Missed you.”

“We didn’t see each other for a week and you already missed me?”

He misses her the minute she leaves. It’s like his heart isn’t complete if she isn’t there but he can’t really say that can he? Friends don’t tell friends things like that. And a friend is all she is. His best one but still. Telling her any of this could jeopardize their friendship and Jamie doesn’t think he could handle life without her. Not when a week already felt like torture.

“Well yeah, I’m proper shit at cooking. I need you to feed me.”

“Oh, is that so? Thought Mr. Bigshot footballer could get free food at any restaurant he fancies.”

She’s teasing but never mean and never hurtful. That’s something he cherishes so much about their friendship. His feelings, his fears — all of it is safe with her. There is no hurt or pain or fear. Just her and her friendship and warmth. And a pair of open arms ready to catch him whenever he stumbles and falls.

“True. But some fancy place in Mayfair will laugh at me if I ask them to make me dino nuggets, won’t they?”

Her laughter, he decides then, is his favorite sound in the world. It makes everything feel alright even if it’s just for a fleeting moment. He needs to keep his feelings locked up in that beautiful daydream because he can never lose this melody her laughter creates. And anyway, he wouldn’t even know what to do if he ever really had her.

— It’s not like she’d say yes anyway.

“You’re probably right about that,” she says and leans her head against his shoulder. And though it’s muggy and hot and he’s sure he can feel their skin stick together, he doesn’t shake her off. She’s part of his heart already, might as well melt into one completely. “You want me to make you some nuggets?”

“Nah,” Jamie replies and places a soft kiss on the top of her head. Friends kiss friends on the head all the time, everyone knows that. Right? "That's okay. Already had a Kebab with Roy earlier.”

“You guys are becoming friends then? Should I be worried I’m gonna lose my best friend status?”

Jamie lets out some mix between a chuckle and a scoff. As if anyone in all the world could ever replace her. What a ridiculous thought.

“Well he doesn’t make me nuggets, does he? No alphabet soup either. So no. Not yet.”

The little shake of her fist she does in victory makes him grin even bigger. He must look like a damn fool.

“I should probably get going sometime soon, I need to finish up some work and do laundry and do all that boring adult stuff that’s waiting for me at home.”

There are lots of things he should be doing instead of sitting on his kitchen floor on a Tuesday afternoon getting half drunk on cheap beer and half on his overwhelming love for her. He’s sure there are a bunch of texts and emails waiting for him to sort through. Keeley might be popping a blood vessel soon if he doesn’t answer her about that brand requesting to work with him on some ad campaign. And he will get back to her — soon.

Right now it doesn’t matter. Right now all that matters is him and (Y/N) and their little corner of safety and — home.

“But I don’t want to.”

“Yeah, me neither. Just want to sit here with you and — “

“ — hang out?”

“Mh. Hang out.”

That was not what he wanted to say but none of the words ghosting through his head are meant to be spoken out loud. They are his to feel and think and keep hidden and quiet.

“Good, we can hang out a little longer I think.”

And he’ll take what he can get. All the precious minutes she grants him he cherishes.

Right now could last forever and he wouldn’t mind at all.

Not as long as he’s with her.

Some early 00s pop song is blasting from the speakers of the bar. Everyone’s in good spirits and drinks are flowing freely.

(Y/N) is leaning against the bar talking to Colin, laughing about something he said, radiating joy and happiness.

She loves his friends, his boys, his family. Jamie loves that she loves them so dearly, so fiercely as if they are her own family. At this point, they might as well be. She remembers all their birthdays, drops by unannounced with cookies for everybody, cheers them on louder than anybody else. Hell, she even gets Roy to smile and that’s quite something. She’s as much a part of the AFC Richmond family as she is a part of his life.

“Jamie-Jam-Jam what are you sulking over here for,” her voice cuts through the crowd and the music as she slides into the booth next to him. She looks gorgeous in the hazy neon lights. Then again, she always looks gorgeous.

“Not sulking. Just — thinking.”

“About what?”

You. He’d say if he was honest and not such a coward. You and how much I adore you and how hard it is not to tell you any of this and fuck up our friendship.

“Was considering getting me nipples pierced. I’d have to take them out though and I imagine that would be quite annoying.”

“Probably,” she agrees and nods her head before adding “It would look sick though.”

“Right? I reckon it would.”

She laughs at that and once again it shakes his entire world. Like little earthquakes inside his heart.

Her voice is quieter after her laughter subsides, soft and gentle, and with the loud music it feels like her words are only meant for him. “I like this,” she says almost wistfully.

“The song? Who’s that, Rihanna?”

“Not the song, silly boy. This — “ she gestures around the room towards all their friends, dancing and laughing and having the time of their lives. And then she motions to the two of them, secluded and safe inside their own little bubble. “escaping our busy lives for a moment.”

“Lot of journalists would disagree with you there, love. That my life was busy.”

“They don’t know you like I know you.”

There’s a sincerity in her eyes, a warmth, something he can’t quite explain. It’s familiar and foreign all at once.

“No one knows me like you do. You had pity on Jamie Tartt, messy little prick from math class. They just know Jamie Tartt, the footballer from Richmond.Still a prick but now with better hair.”

Before he knows what’s happening, her hands take hold of his face and gently rest against his cheeks, forcing him to look at her. Really look at her.

“I never had pity on you, Jamie. I thought you were funny and exciting and infinitely cool. That’s why I wanted to be your friend. And I was right! About the funny part, not the cool part.”

“Obviously.”

“But I never took pity on you. I don’t think you realize how highly I think of you. Now let me get a sip of that drink.”

He’s still in some sort of haze brought on by her words when a groan coming from her shakes him from his thoughts. Her face is all scrunched up in disgust as she places his glass back on the table. “Ew, what the fuck is that?”

“I’m not sure, honestly. Barkeeper said she’d mix me a Jamie Tartt and I was like fuck yeah, a drink named after me.”

“It’s disgusting. Did you shag and dump her at some point? Like, is she mad at you for some reason?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen that woman before in my life … so yeah maybe.”

Shaking her head with a smirk on her face she grabs a hold of his hand and pulls him out of the booth and towards the bar on the other side of the place, the one with the older male bartender with the impressive beard.

“You ever had a thing with him?” she asks as she leans against the counter, trying to get the man’s attention.

“Nah, I’d remember that facial hair.”

From then on the night tastes like tequila and beer and it feels like a warm hug. She doesn’t join in on all his drinks, stops herself after a beer and a shot, but she does join him in all the other shenanigans. Like when they make up ridiculous backstories for strangers and have a laugh about some corporate douchebag trying desperately to get with some woman who clearly has no interest in him.

“Henry from accounting.”

“Nah, that’s Charlie from HR.”

“Well, either way, Maisie from South Shields is not interested.”

He could stay here forever, laugh the night away. Drunk on happiness, on love — and also on quite a lot of booze.

“Come on, Jamie-Jam, “ she says and hands him his jacket. She’s all gentle hands and gentle eyes. “Let me give you a ride home.”

“We’re going home?”

“I think it’s time. Think someone had a little too much.”

“I’m sorry.”

He is but also not. He’s sorry for being a burden — again. He’s not sorry for letting himself enjoy a night of unadulterated happiness with the people that mean the most to him.

“No need to apologize, Jamie. I’m glad you had fun. Now come on, silly boy. I’m tired.”

And when they step out of the place and into the night, all sweaty and hair a mess, he thinks that of all the things his eyes have ever seen, the best by far is her. Then and always.

London passes by in a blur as (Y/N) drives them towards his house. All the bougie buildings and the iron fences and the trees in the parks, it’s all one kaleidoscope of color, a smudge of light and shadows.

It’s not like he can really focus on that though. Partly because all he can think of is her and partly because he’s absolutely wasted. Mostly her though. Definitely mostly her.

“Did you have a good time?” his voice slices through the comfortable silence.

“I always have a good time when I’m with you, silly boy. Did you?”

He rests his cheek against the smooth leather of her car seats and regards her with an infinite sense of wonder and adoration. In any other situation, this position would be deeply uncomfortable but he’s numb to anything but the beating of his heart and the strings that pull him towards his best friend.

“Obviously. Had my best girl with me. “

“Keeley?”

His eyebrows raise in confusion. “Keeley? No you numpty, you!”

“Me?”

“Why would you think I was talking about Keeley?”

He wishes he could see the look on her face. This is not a car conversation.

“Uh, she’s the only real adult relationship you ever had and you had a poster of her on your wall. Makes one think things. In fact, I believe that poster is still up.”

Jamie can’t help but scoff at her words. Not in a dismissive way necessarily but this whole conversation seems so silly to him. Yeah, he loved Keeley in a way and yeah she’s still one of his best friends but never has she come close to (Y/N). Keeley hardly ever got to see the real Jamie, the one that didn’t hide behind this larger-than-life footballer persona. (Y/N) met him before that persona even existed.

“Stop thinking things then. You’re my best girl, always.”

He still can’t see her face since she is looking at the road in front of them, but he can see the smile pulling the corner of her lips upwards, and for the moment that’s good enough for him.

Her car comes to a stop in front of Jamie's house but while he drags himself out of his seat, she stays put.

“What are you doing, love?”

“Dropping you off?”

“Are you not coming inside then?”

“Do you want me to come inside? We spent pretty much all week with each other, I thought you might be sick of me by now.”

A ridiculous thought if he’s ever heard one. He could never get sick of her. They could be glued to each other for the rest of eternity and he wouldn’t mind one bit.

Even in his drunk state of mind though, he realizes that’s not something he can tell her. That crosses out of friend territory. So he just chuckles and rolls his eyes.

“Do I want you to come in? What a dumb question is that? Of course, I do. I have a bag of those disgusting spicy crisps waiting for you in my kitchen.”

“In that case —”

10 minutes later they’re sitting on his couch, her legs across his lap, munching away at those god-awful crisps as some overly dramatic American home renovation show flickers across the TV screen.

In moments like these, love lives here. In these walls and on this couch. And it’s terrifying because thinking about love also makes him think of the possibility of losing it. But every once in a while, Jamie lets himself feel a tiny bit of it. Just enough to keep him going.

“Hey Jamie,” she speaks up, her face only illuminated by the light coming from the TV. She’s wearing his shirt and he wills himself not to focus too hard on that because that will cause images to ghosts through his mind that he can’t allow himself to ever think about. Images that cross every line ever drawn when it comes to friendships.

“Yes, love?”

“You’re my best boy too. Not sure I ever told you.”

He doesn’t answer, not in words at least. But he squeezes her legs as they rest on him, and he hopes she knows. Oh god if only she knew.

Jamie Tartt is hard to love. At least he thinks so. (Y/N) knows he thinks so because he let it slip once or twice when he was drunk and his words were all jumbled and his mind was all hazy.

And every damn time it breaks her fucking heart. Because loving Jamie Tartt is the easiest thing she ever did. It comes as natural as breathing. It feels like a nice ray of summer sun on her skin, sizzling and exciting and warm.

Loving Jamie is a gift.

Now if only there was a way she could make him realize that. But every time he lets himself be even a little vulnerable he is so quick to cover the cracks with stupid jokes or misplaced arrogance before a real conversation can happen.

She needs him to realize it though. To understand that loving him isn’t difficult. Because how can you tell someone you love them and make them understand just how much they mean to you when they deem themself unlovable?

Turning her head to the side she looks at his sleeping face. Somewhere between Fixer Upper and House Hunters, he fell asleep, leaving her alone with her thoughts. He’s snoring something awful but she still thinks he’s adorable. Jamie has a mischievous, lovable quality to him that just makes you open your heart to him whether you want to or not. Yeah, sure, he’s let people down, he’s done shitty things, but he’s trying. He’s learned and he’s changed and the price for being young and stupid and cocky should not be a life spent questioning if you deserve other people’s love.

Jamie Tartt is not hard to love. But loving him and not being able to tell him because he doesn’t love you in quite the same way, that’s just fucking cruel.

The air is loaded with static. Everyone is on the edge of their seat. (Y/N) is huddled in between Rebecca and Keeley, holding their hands and nervously biting at her lip. Emotions are running high as Richmond is playing Manchester. Correction — they’re not only playing them, they are kicking their asses.

It’s 2-0 for Richmond and they’re already 1 minute into the 3 minutes of additional time. If Manchester doesn’t get a miracle, Richmond wins. The thought of that makes a fluttery feeling spread in (Y/N)’s stomach. If this is how she feels, she can only imagine what Jamie must feel like.

1:30

2 minutes

2:30

3 minutes.

“Blow the whistle. Come on. Blow the fucking whistle.”

And as if he heard her pleading, the referee blows the whistle giving Richmond their win.

Laughter and cheers and songs fill the air as every Richmond fan is on their feet celebrating a win they so desperately wanted and that the team fought so hard for.

The win Jamie fought so hard for.

She tries to find him across the pitch but there are too many people, hugging and celebrating, too much noise. She just hopes he knows how proud she is.

And she hopes that somewhere out there his dad is watching. Sees him win, with the team he doesn’t approve of. Watches him succeed and be the man he never was and never will be.

She hopes somewhere deep in the inky black pit that is his heart, he finds a glimmer of pride for his only son, even if it comes entirely belated.

Jamie has won quite a few matches by now and it’s always a great feeling but some wins stand out. This is one of them.

His heart is filled with gratitude and pride, and his entire system is flooded with adrenaline and utter euphoria. He’s positively buzzing as the team gathers in the hallway leading toward the locker room. Some of them have been whisked away to give short post-match interviews — as if there is much to say other than how fucking awesome it feels to win — while the others are waiting for them to come back so they can all meet up at the locker room for some after match briefing.

“Superstar, you did it!”

Her voice carries through the hallway above the rest of all the noise. Like a siren calling out to him, she can’t hear anything but her, it all shifts into the background.

She weaves through the crowd like a fucking goddess in blue. He always thought she looked good in the Richmond colors and seeing her with his name on her back never fails to make his heart shutter with delight. But there’s something about today that makes this even more special.

Maybe it’s the adrenaline of winning. Of making his mom proud and proving his dad wrong. Of proving himself wrong. Maybe it’s seeing her in his kit, with his name and his number smiling that radiant smile of hers. Maybe it’s a combination of all these things. But something makes his brain short-circuit for a moment. Just a fleeting moment but long enough to make him push through the crowd until he’s standing in front of her, matching smiles on their faces. Just long enough for him to softly place one hand on her waist and pull her closer, so unbelievably close. Just long enough to cradle her face in his other hand, gentle and careful, like the most precious thing in the world. Long enough for him to place his lips on hers in a kiss so sweet, so long in the making, it feels surreal. It feels like he’s still stuck in his saccharine daydream.

And then reality snaps back and he pulls away, opening his eyes to a smiling (Y/N) staring back up at him through curious eyes.

“Silly boy, what was that?”

She doesn’t sound upset, in fact, his delusions might even make him think she sounds delighted.

“I — “

“Jamie, locker room. Let’s go, boy!”

Ted’s voice calls out to him all full of glee and jubilation. The guy sounds even more chipper than usual and that says a whole lot.

Pulling away from her feels like having a bubble suddenly popped. Every what-if that has been clouded by post-win euphoria suddenly bears their ugly head again. Sometimes Jamie wishes his thoughts weren’t so fucking loud all the time.

“Go, your coach is asking for you. I’ll see you at the after-party. We’ll talk then, yeah?”

Only they don’t because, for some inexplicable reason, Jamie avoids her like the plague.

Everyone is gathered at the bar for celebratory drinks, it’s a private function, just the team and family and associates. Spirits are high, everyone’s excited. And all things considered this night should be magical. Only it’s not, because once again Jamie refuses to let himself be loved.

Rejection tastes bitter. It’s sharp and metallic. Rejection also tastes quite a lot like tequila.

The salt, the lime, the liquor — it’s supposed to make her feel better. It’s supposed to mend the cracks in her heart, if only for a night.

It doesn’t do any of that, it only makes her fucking sad.

How foolish of her to believe that he’d feel the same, that he’d finally pick up on the hints she’s been dropping for over a decade and reciprocate the feelings. Maybe they never stood a chance anyway. Maybe —

No, actually fuck that.

He can’t do this, it’s unfair. You don’t kiss someone, not like that at least, and then ignore them for the rest of the night. Especially not when that person is your best fucking friend.

Bumping against people left and right, she makes her way across the room to stand next to a smiling Jamie deep in conversation with a pretty girl, who (Y/N) is quite sure is the sister of one of his teammates.

“I need to talk to you.” It’s not a request. Not this time. This conversation has been a long time coming. It’s time, she thinks, to finally be brave. One can only swallow down their feelings and emotions for so long, until they come bubbling to the surface like a fucking volcano rolling over Pompeii. She just hopes that once the dust settles there will be hope instead of death and destruction.

“Uh, kind of in the middle of something here.”

She can’t stand this part of him. This fake, unbothered cool guy who has no empathy for her or anyone other than himself. She hates it mostly because this is not the real Jamie, just some cardboard cutout version of him.

“Too bad, that'll have to wait.”

She doesn’t give him another second to resist or shake her off, just grabs onto his arm and pulls him through the crowd and towards the exit.

The nightly London air feels cold against her skin, making her shiver as goosebumps appear on her arms.

“What the fuck is going on with you?”

“What the fuck is going on with me?”

He can’t be serious.

“Yeah. I had something going there. She was well fit too.”

The urge to smack him across his stupidly handsome face is seriously fighting her desire to kiss him again right about now.

“Good for her but you owe me a conversation.”

“(Y/N), I — “

The way he rolls his eyes so dismissively, so suave and cool, it’s like a dagger straight to the heart.

“No, you know what — fuck you, Jamie. I know you have a hard time letting people in completely, and I get that that’s something you have to work through on your own time but the way you're treating me right now is really shit. You can’t kiss me like that and then run. I’ve been waiting for that fucking kiss for over a decade.”

“What?”

He looks at her with the signature Jamie Tartt look of confusion and innocence. Like a damn puppy or something. And if she wasn’t so annoyed, so hurt, maybe she’d find it endearing.

“I’m in love with you, Jamie. I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you. I’ve been in love with you since I was sat next to you in class and you asked me if Pythagoras was that French guy. I’ve loved you when you were just a chaotic teenager. I’ve loved you when you won your first game and when you lost. I’ve loved you when you signed your first contract and when you made a complete fool of yourself on that ridiculous tv show. And I love you now. So to think you finally picked up on it and reciprocate my feelings was — I was so happy, Jamie. Only for you to completely ignore me for the rest of the night. I don’t deserve that. Not from you of all people. “

“Will you let me talk?”

“No, I’m not done yet.”

“Alright, go on.”

“I love you, Jamie and I know you think I shouldn’t and that you don’t deserve it, but guess what? I don’t care. I love you anyway and I am not asking for permission to love you. That’s not how it works. And I don’t love you despite your flaws, I love them too. Even your stupid 2003 looking haircut and your ridiculous clothes that make you look like a male Bratz doll sometimes. Sorry people in your life made you feel like you had to earn it just because they couldn’t see how phenomenal you are. Just you, Jamie Tartt, messy little prick.”

Silence wraps around them like a thick blanket as a moment passes, then two. Jamie raises his eyebrows in question.

“Can I?”

“Yes, you can!”

“Jesus, alright. Stop yelling at me.”

“Well, I’m upset!”

“And I’m sorry about that. I never meant to upset you. Ever. I just — do you remember that one birthday, I think I turned 12, when me dad showed up and he was just being his usual asshole self and he made me play against him and then yelled at me in front of all the guests when he won? “

She sure does. Even at 12, she wanted to put her tiny little fist straight between Mr. Tartt’s eyebrows. “Yes.”

“You sat with me when I went to my room to escape. Refused to leave my side. Called my dad a wanker and you made me laugh. Then you got me a piece of cake and we ate it on my bed while watching Spongebob.” A smile plays on his lips as he reminisces about that day.

“I was 12 and I didn’t know a lot but I knew that night that I was in love with you and I immediately promised myself I wasn’t gonna do anything about it. Losing you is the scariest thing I can think about and my track record with people is pretty shit, honestly. So yeah I didn’t want to even risk fucking up with you. Rather have you as a friend than not have you at all.”

“So why did you kiss me earlier after all?”

“For one, you looked so fit in blue, with my name on your back. I was full of adrenaline and just so fucking happy. I uh — I think my mind was telling me that it’s finally time to be brave for once.”

Hearing him say it, it’s something she never expected but always hoped for. She’s played this scene out so many times in her dreams and yet she doesn’t know what to say or do now that it is actually happening.

“So what now?”

“Well, if you let me, I was gonna kiss you. Because if you think that other kiss was great, this next one is going to change your life.”

As those words fall from his lips, (Y/N) can’t get close to him quick enough. Pulling him towards her by the front of his shirt. Closer and closer until there is no room left between them and he gently nuzzles his nose against hers.

“Jamie Tartt?”

“Hmm?”

“Change my life!”

Jamie Tartt is hard to love. At least he thought so. And maybe a part of him still does and always will. But kissing (Y/N), his best girl, the fucking love of his life, it feels quite easy to let himself be loved.

Feels as easy as breathing. And for once in his life, the reality is so much sweeter than the daydream.

#jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt x y/n #jamie tartt x female reader #jamie tartt x f!reader #jamie tartt fanfiction #jamie tartt fanfic #jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt imagines #jamie tartt oneshot #ted lasso tv show fanfiction #I dont know what else to tag this as my friends ....#inbloomwriting

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twopoppies · 4 months

Note

Hi Gina , Do you have a category for reread fics?How can I find them

Meaning fics I’ve read more than once? I don’t think I’ve ever made one—let me see what I can do.

Danger I Can’t Hide by CelticSky (E, 227K) This one’s got all the tension and drama you’d expect of a World War II story—life and death high stakes, friends and lovers unexpectedly torn apart, battles and heroism, plus the added stakes of classism and homophobia—then add a slow burn, high risk, scorching love affair spanning years. If you want a story that’s complex and fantastically researched, plus lovers to root for, read it. It’s long. But I couldn’t put it down. When I did, I immediately picked it right back up and read it twice more.

Hats Off To My Distant Hope by orphan_account (E, 21K) This was such a pleasure to read. The writing feels so effortless as the fic explores the deep emotions of these two characters. They’re stubborn and inarticulate and gentle and passionate and finally, finally open up to each other. I really wish I knew who wrote it because I’d love to read more of their work.

Walk That Mile by purpledaisy (E, 150K) I’ve read this one multiple times and still love it. Their bickering is so realistic, their resistance to their attraction to each other is perfect, the way the author portrays all of their weird quirks and differences but still makes it believable that they’d fall fo reach other is such fun to read….I love this fic.

my heart is breathing for this moment in time by usedtothebeach (E, 160K) Probably my absolute favorite time travel fic. I’ve read it more times than I’d like to admit, and every time I love it more. One of the things I like most is how organically the author weaves in canon events…every little moment is an easter egg without it being so obvious that it pulls you out of the fic. Anyway, this one is so moving and so absorbing, I hope you like it if you give it a try! There’s an 18K companion piece to it as well, but you’ll see the link at the appropriate time when you’re reading the main fic (and when you read the scene that breaks your heart –– in the best possible way –– come and scream at me. You’ll know which one I mean).

Our Lives, Non Fiction by @indiaalphawhiskey (E, 114K) this is, quite literally, the best fic I’ve read in years. It’s so well written, clever, funny, emotional, and sexy. Its draw you in immediately and you’ll end up falling in love with these characters before you know it. Don’t miss this one.

Never Never Never Stop for Anyone (Sheylinsonverse) by aimmyarrowshigh, spibsy (E, 10-work series, 439K)Yes, here I am again, putting this series on a list. Probably 10 people in this fandom like it as much as I do, but I don’t care. I have read all 440K words more than once, and will likely do it a few more times. Yes, it needs editing, but even so…really well written, super sexy (if you like reading BDSM and can handle Larry + someone else), and such interesting character development. One of my favorite things about this fic is how the authors differentiate between the ways the different characters inhabit their Dom and Sub personalities.

Make Your Words A Weapon by HelloAmHere (E, 36K) I love everything this author writes. This one just really hit me hard for whatever reason. Maybe it’s the way they explore Louis’ anxiety and coping mechanisms and pain and the way he pushes people away and protects himself, but also wants someone to push back just a bit and love him despite all of that. And the way Harry is the perfect foil for all of it, while also feeling like a fully developed character himself. Yeah, it’s probably all of that. Plus soul marks!

Pull Me Under by zarah5 (E, 140K) One of the very first fics I read when I came into this fandom…and I’ve read it multiple times since. Zarah’s fics hold up every time. This one has it all, great pacing, ot5 friendship, banter, super sexy smut, etc etc. Plus, Louis being super jealous of Harry’s best friend.

Into The Blue by zarah5 (E, 117K) honestly, I love all of this author’s fics, but I think this is my favorite of theirs. Louis as a flirty scuba instructor? Newly single Harry who just wants a fling? Boys living on other sides of the world who only have a few weeks together? Heartbreak. Hot af smut. OT5 friendship. Please….give me all that shit.

Faking It by TheCellarDoor (M, 46K)This one is so sweet. I loved Harry's internal monologue... his insecurities and thoughts that he'd made Louis uncomfortable because he liked, him made me cry. Louis is so soft and supportive. It’s just a lovely fic.

Remind Me Again by momentofclarity / @gaycousinlarry (E, 29K) Every sentence in this fic is so effortlessly beautiful. I love that the miscommunication between them is done in a totally realistic way. The fight and make up like real people do and that makes the angst more painful and the making up more emotional. One of my favorite authors.

And Touch Me Like You Never by runaway_train (E, 36K) I really enjoyed how this author handled Harry’s confusion and growing attraction and eventual sexuality crisis. That, along with the angst and very sexy smut, made it a really good read.

may we all have a vision now and then by momentofclarity / @gaycousinlarry (M, 4K) This author is one of my favorite writers in this fandom and everything they do is infused with so much delicacy and tenderness. I literally cried through this fic because of how wounded Harry’s character feels. Read it and then treat yourself to their whole AO3 catalogue.

Seeing Blind by zedi (E, 47K) I really liked the way this author gave a twist to both Omega Harry and Alpha Louis’ characteristics. It’s a whole lot of smut and miscommunication and, of course, a happy ending.

Shake Me Down by AGreatPerhaps12 (NR, 209K) this fic will run you through the wringer, but it’s really a great read. I really like the way the author took the boys from enemies to friends to boyfriends, and how we got to see how protective and supportive Louis became towards Harry.

smell the sea, feel the sky by @lightwoodsmagic (E, 16K) This is the perfect summer pining fic. I love that they’re adults and still the same horny, pining fools for each other and it still works. It’s just very sexy, light, and fun.

we can take the long road home by @pinkcords (E, 46K) This was absolutely gorgeous. And it made me cry, damn it. Seriously though, the writing is so beautiful. I loved the characterizations and the way they both showed their vulnerability. I loved the slow pace and the hot smut. I loved this fic.

smile in slow motion by istajmaal (E, 24K) One of my favorite Daddy kink authors, this one is lighthearted and funny while also being super sexy. Plus it’s got great Zouis friendship.

all my love was down on a frozen ground by navigator (E, 16K) This is an old one that I didn’t have bookmarked for some reason. But it’s a favorite and I love everything this author wrote. This is one of those quiet, soft fics with a bit of angst and a lot of internal monologue and gentle conversations. I don’t know, there’s something so touching about it.

Thought The Song Was Sung by 100percentsassy (E, 13K) This is both a famous/not famous and a dating app AU. Plus, older Larry. Plus an author who writes great fic. And this one is just sweet and charming and I really like this one.

the way the storms blow by rbbsbb (E, 22K) What would happen if you walked in on your best friend in the midst of an orgy? Louis finds out and it’s pretty damn hot.

we can take the long way home by eleadore (E, 27K) this one is a canon divergent future fic where Louis is a “carrier” (basically, he would be able to get pregnant) and it’s just SO good. It’s beautifully written (like everything this author does), so well-paced, and I just find the way their developing relationship is written to be so touching and realistic.

The light to guide me home by Star_Henderson / @tommosgun (E, 65K) I don’t know what it is about this fic but I’ve read it so many times and I just really love the instant chemistry, the smut is stupid hot and fuels the character growth, and even with the angst, the whole thing is just lighthearted and sexy.

Speaking of Marvels by navigator, quitter (E, 101K) This was one of the first fics I read in this fandom, but I read it again recently and had forgotten how really wonderful it is. The writing is so lovely and the characters feel so well developed. I especially loved how the authors explored how differently the two of them would respond to their relationship given the different stages of life they were in. It made the romance and the attraction and the angst feel really real.

Constant Debauchery by Blake (E, 19K) Yes, yes, I know. I’ve probably recommended this 10 times. But have you read it yet? Anyway…Edwardian setting, uni ABO (Alpha/Alpha) fic. Gorgeous mood setting, I’ve said before that it reads like an Merchant Ivory film looks…just gorgeous. There’s a similar sense of repression and uncertainty about flouting societal expectations, and a character who appears one way on the surface, but underneath is quite different. I love this one, I’ve read it a number of times.

Lightening Strikes Twice by @dinosaursmate (E, 106K) It’s not often that I read a 100+K fic multiple times, but this one is worth it. It’s one of my favorites from this author, and a favorite all around. It’s an epic love story spanning decades and massive life changes. It’s sexy and well-written, and so touching, and so fulfilling in many ways.

precious little thing by mercutionnotromeo (E, 21K) I’ve read this one so many times…it’s got it all. This time the phone sex operator is Louis, and subby Harry is just beginning to realize his daddy kink.

Good Enough to Eat by objectlesson (E, 7K) This author always does such a good job with depicting young, queer love and the way their characters experience the overwhelm of realizing they’re not straight, realizing the’ve met their Person, pining, and giving in. I love a lot of their fics, but I think this is my favorite of them. Link is to a download.

One day to believe in you by mediaville (E, 8K) another author who always hits it out of the park as far as I’m concerned. This one is super funny and then super sexy. Louis gets cursed and has to tell the truth. No matter what Harry asks him. Read it!

like a bastard on a burning sea by vashtaneradas (NR, 21K) Heartbreaking, perfect writing. So well-written that the fandom hated real-life Harry for a while after this was posted. 😅

These Roads We Stumble Down by onewasturning (E, 18K) I adore this author’s writing and I’ve read this particular one multiple times. It’s just a little melancholy and very sexy and one of those fics that reminds me why I can read about the same two people falling in love 46372 times and never tire of it.

Empty Skies by green_feelings / @greenfeelings (E, 13K) I just started re-reading this the other day and it holds up so well. This author is always a pleasure to read. Their fics just are well plotted and the characters are nicely fleshed out. I loved Perrie as Harry’s bestie, the bitterness and angst is PAINFUL, and the ending feels well earned.

Wild and Unruly by 100percentsassy, gloria_andrews (E, 124K) One of the OG classics in this fandom. If you haven’t read it yet, you’re missing out. It’s just a great, original story. Plus, cowboy Harry, city boy Louis, bad guys to hate, nail biting drama, hot af sexual chemistry and smut, and a super satisfying ending.

Love Is A Rebellious Bird by 100percentsassy, gloria_andrews (E, 135K) Everything about this fic is glorious. I’m always struck by how well the characters are fleshed out, how their behavior lines up with their backstory, how ridiculously hot the chemistry is, and how agonizing the angst is. So yes, no shocker, I cried buckets. Thank god for a happy ending.

Unbelievers by isthatyoularry (E, 137K) High school Au, footie, enemies with benefits, so much sexual tension (and just tension), and really well-developed, complex characters. Most of the conflict in this (and in the companion fic from Harry’s POV) is straight up lack of communication. But, given the age of the characters, it’s forgivable (although sometimes frustrating).

In Dreams by dolce_piccante (M, 24K) This actually might be my favorite of this author’s fics, although I know it’s definitely not the most popular. It’s just soft and romantic and sweet and I’m a sucker for tattoo artist Louis winning over slightly uptight Harry.

Your Name Is Tattooed On My Heart my mcpofife (E, 87K) I reread this one recently and it's truly delightful. The characterizations are so well done. Harry is so endearing (I cried over his heartbreak). And the smut is both hot and really emotional. Love this one.

#my fic rec #Larry fic rec #re-reads #My favorite re-reads #Favorite re-reads

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makismei · 1 year

Text

❝ ANGEL

♡ gn!reader x gojo satoru

cw: hurt/ comfort, established relationship

synopsis: gojo is so unserious, but he loves you more than you’ll ever know

wc: 1400+

notes from mei!

hello guys it’s been so long! i’ve rewatched jjk AND WATCHED JJK 0 FINALLY and felt very inspired to write lol (i fully believe gojo is a ginormous piece of shit)

i’m very rusty but i hope u enjoy!

you’ve always known satoru was far different from what people portrayed. he’s so conceited that it’s painful, but you know it’s just because he has insecurities of his own that he feels the need to hide.

he’s not as much of a ladies man as people say—of course, he can have anyone he wants, but he's only ever wanted to be yours.

i’m your perfect match, satoru says, no one can compare!

he’s scared of never-ending cycles and repeated mistakes—of things he should be able to control but somehow can’t—frankly, satoru is the epitome of bullshit.

it’s only now you’ve realized that satoru is the most flawed human you’ll probably ever meet—he’s a wuss who never stops complaining, his mouth going on and on like a never-ending siren. his favourite hobby is to get on people’s nerves then treat himself to that expensive bakery downtown.

satoru is so excellent that his flaws are dimmed by the blinding lights of his perfections.

he can get away with just about anything work wise—but with you and your relationship, there’s a line he constantly loves to jump over, even when he knows you'll never let it slide.

“satoru come on,” you say, hand reaching for his, but as you draw closer you feel a slight resistance, unable to touch him. you draw your hand back, taken aback from his behaviour.

you sigh, quiet and drawn out. gojo feels a chill run through his body as immediate regret pumps through his veins.

"baby—"

"save it, satoru."

he bites his tongue, watching as your eyes glaze over. you turn away from him, crossing your arms as if you were giving yourself a much needed hug. it's silent in his... very large and luxurious penthouse living room and you're once again reminded of the social gap between you and satoru.

for a moment, you can hear the voices of everyone mocking your relationship—criticizing you, laughing at you for even thinking special grade sorcerer gojo satoru could have a soft spot for someone like you.

and you feel played. not by him, but by yourself for believing someone born from money and blessed with strength, could love someone like you—someone who came from nothing and had to work their way up and up, kissing ass and developing thick skin.

you don't think gojo will ever understand how privileged he is.

you also don't think he'll understand how bad he is for you.

"where do you think you're going?" he calls. you think carefully, sliding on your shoes as you undo the lock on his door.

"home."

it's been two days and as your tidying up your apartment, you hear a knock at your door.

you pause, already knowing exactly who it is.

a minute—maybe five passes as you don't hear another knock. you're unnerved because you still see the shadow of him through the very bottom of your door, stubborn as he always is.

you try not to breathe too loud or move too fast, but satoru's always a step ahead and as you're opening your window to escape through the emergency stairs, he's already there.

"that's cold, my love." he says, but it's missing his usual satoru-flare and you know he's not in usual mood.

you don't think you can stomach him being in front of you.

he's wearing his sunglasses, hair down with his hand making sure your window stays open. his other is stuffed in his pocket, casual and uncaring like he always is.

"that's rich coming from you."

satoru loves you.

and it's all he can think about as he looks at you.

he knows you're more hurt than angry, and it's taken him great restraint to not harass you—lovingly—over these past two days. and when he sees you, he realizes he definitely should’ve harassed you instead.

his eyes trace your frown, your posture that shuts him out. he wonders if he'll be able to fix his big mistake.

with you in front of him, gojo doesn't feel like he's the strongest anymore. all the words he prepared to serenade you back into his arms sounded like gibberish and no longer felt right.

"why are you here, satoru?" he doesn't miss the way your voice breaks, "why do you always do this to me?"

tears begin to clump in his your lashes, throat tightening as you stare at him in disbelief. the air is so tense. you feel like you've been stripped bare as a tear rolls down your cheek.

"you make me feel so loved," your voice shakes, "you lift me up so high and make me feel so proud to be me."

satoru wants to tell you that loving you feels so natural.

"but you're so mean," you cry. the tears are falling freely now and you're choking on your words. "you do all these—all these things, making me feel special and—and seen, only for you to neglect me and twist my words a week later, because you can't handle being treated the way you treat me!"

he wants to tell you that seeing you like this is eating him alive.

"you're so ignorant—are you kidding me? thinking i'm overreacting for getting mad th—that you cancelled on like, the third rescheduled date to take on a low-level mission? and when i confronted you about it, forgave you for it, you turn on your infinity when all i wanted to do was hug you?"

your arms fall to your side, sick of his face and the way he’s just standing there silent. "it wasn't even about the date. i feel like you're bored of me and everyone who said we wouldn't last—"

"don't finish that sentence." he interrupts, no longer able to bite his tongue. his lanky figure climbs through your window and you feel even more vulnerable now that he's in your space.

"i'll never get bored of you, you keep me on my toes too much." he lays his cards on the table, knowing this is the last chance he has to prove he loves you more than anything on this earth. "i know how harsh you are to yourself, so i celebrate your tiny achievements because i'm genuinely proud of everything you do. i'm aware that being the best at work doesn't mean i'll be the best boyfriend. i forget that sometimes...” you glare, “most times." he corrects.

satoru takes a careful step toward you. "i care about you—more than you know, i think. you don't deserve to be neglected at all, and you don't.." he inhales through his teeth, "you don't have to put up with me if you don't want to anymore. i know how hard i make it, and i know a sorry isn't going to make it better."

you don't think you've ever seen satoru look so small.

"i can't ask you to stay with me, but we both know how selfish i am, so i'll beg you to stay with me anyways."

he doesn't miss the quick upturn of your lips. but it disappears as fast as it came.

you break eye contact and he feels his world shatter.

"how are you going to fix this?"

"...by reminding you i'm your perfect match?" he squeaks.

you sigh, "you're so unserious."

lanky arms wrap around your figure, caging you against his chest. you close your eyes, naturally sinking into his embrace. "i won't blame you if you break up with me, but i'll just let you know i'll definitely drop dead and you'll be responsible for killing the strongest sorcerer in the universe."

"that doesn’t sound that bad. everyone would know me and fear me—you know how popular i’d be?”

he's silent for a good, long second. "that's cold, my love."

it's so childish, in the way that he speaks. but in a way, he just revealed more to you than his semi-serious little monologue could ever do.

satoru is such a wuss, but he's never had someone love him like you do and he malfunctions. he can't fathom the thought of losing you, but also can't stomach the fact he's not good for you.

but he's trying. you know he is just from the way his knuckles brush against your cheek during the early hours of the morning; you know he's trying when he sneaks off during work to join you on your lunch break.

you know he’s trying because his students say he seems so gentle when he looks at you.

you know he's trying because he's here right now, after showing you he’s not the strongest despite everyone (and himself) proclaiming he is.

your arms curl around him and satoru gets his answer.

he's home.

#angel by beabadoobee !#i was writing my debut speech for my best friend and i had the strongest urge to write for our beloved old man #gojo x reader #jujutsu kaisen imagines #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk imagines #jjk headcanons #gojo angst #jujutsu kaisen fluff #gojo fluff #gojou satoru x reader #gojo imagines #jujutsu kaisen gojo

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antianakin · 5 months

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I used to love Ahsoka as a character and I thought she was a really interesting foil/parallel to Anakin but at some point I started to disconnect with her character and be all ‘huh that doesn’t seem right’ and for ages I couldn’t figure out why/what it was specifically that was bothering me that wasn’t just *gestures at post-Wrong Jedi!Ahsoka as a whole*

From airing of tcw s7 onwards and also a little before that in some (but admittedly not all) parts of rebels she just doesn’t act like a Jedi.

Like we’re clearly supposed to think that she does and she uses the Force to do things and she uses lightsabre combat and sometimes she even listens to what the Force is telling her(!) but she doesn’t act the way a Jedi would or should most of the time. She doesn’t use or express their teachings or philosophies or act in any way according to them even when she says she does* or the narrative implicitly claims that’s what she’s doing

(*when she’s around Kanan this gets a bit less notable bc she does act more Jedi-like around him and I can’t figure out whether that’s deliberate or accidental or what it’s supposed to say or mean about them both if it’s intentional)

Before that she was fun and also flawed and I think if they’d kept those roots while either showing how she’d manage to overcome/learn from those flaws or that she hadn’t managed to move past them at all but was still trying her best then she would have stayed interesting! But instead her character gets flattened and her flaws get narratively erased (while still being very much there just not acknowledged in any way and/or presented as though they’re not flaws at all) in favour as propping her up as The Best Jedi TM and making her feel like a caricature of an ideal rather than a real character.

Like I am mid-Ahsoka show right now and she doesn’t even feel like the same character! Everything that made her interesting is just gone and the narrative constantly implies that she’s right even when she very clearly is not???

Writers challenge! Accept that characters have flaws and should have flaws to make them interesting and help drive the plot rather than making them perfect bc they’re your favourite!

Yeah, I don't even mind Ahsoka growing OUT of her earlier flaws (which are primarily the same ones that Anakin was given, like impatience and overconfidence/arrogance) and into different ones that reflect her new experiences and maturity. But it also would've been great to see how those flaws she started with, the impatience/impulsivity and the overconfidence/arrogance sort-of grew WITH her.

Like the way the Wrong Jedi arc shows her refusing to trust the Council LONG before she has any reason to do so and going off on her own to try to prove her own innocence which just makes her look more guilty and pushes the Council into more of a corner while also trusting ONLY the person who ended up framing her in the first place. The way that her more childish impatience and overconfidence has sort-of grown into the more dangerous impulsiveness and arrogance in the Wrong Jedi would've been so so interesting to look at if anyone writing it had been willing to acknowledge that she was in the wrong.

And you could keep going with that in later arcs and have her still be sort-of mistrustful of authority (especially Jedi authority), inclined to believe in her own superiority of opinion, and impulsive in her judgments. That's generally what we see in season 7, especially regarding her behavior towards characters like Mace and Obi-Wan. She believes she's right ALL THE TIME and this would be FINE if the narrative actually supported the idea that she WASN'T. Ahsoka can think she's right, but the audience should understand that she isn't. That's how her flaws got portrayed in earlier seasons of TCW and why I tend to prefer them to later ones. And this would've been a great place to follow up on her comment about not trusting HERSELF. Maybe Ahsoka has sort-of wandered away from mindfulness since she left the Order and so instead of continuing to look at the mistakes she made that caused the Order to mistrust her, she just starts blaming the Jedi for everything. And when she starts making accusations at Obi-Wan, have him point out that not only is she not being fair, but she's not being HONEST, with herself or anyone else. Because truly, it's not the Jedi she doesn't trust. It's not the Council playing politics that she's afraid of. It's her own flawed judgment leading her to her own destruction.

And there's SO MUCH you could do with that moving forward into Rebels, to showcase Ahsoka's continuing struggle with trusting her own judgment and how she's grown since Order 66 and into her place as a rebel where she HAS to trust herself more, but she still doesn't entirely trust herself to be a JEDI. Perhaps her uncertainty over Anakin's fate has a part to play in that. Instead, they just made her a spy despite the fact that a LACK OF SUBTLETY was one of her major personality traits in TCW and never once was she shown doing any kind of real spy work and we don't really see her doing any in Rebels either aside from a few conversations with Hera. We have no idea how she ended up growing into that role or WHY she took on that particular role rather than something that would've fit her existing skillset better. Ahsoka's position within the Rebellion is one of the places I think they really faltered with her because it could've been utilized to genuinely help her character move forward and develop her more as a Jedi survivor. Instead, she's just kinda... there and her entire narrative tends to revolve around Anakin, a problem that persists and actually got worse with the Ahsoka show.

I don't truly mind that Ahsoka is perhaps not acting much like a Jedi, at least not all the time, because that could be a really easy way to give her a journey BACK to being more like a Jedi. Much like the Kenobi show had Obi-Wan acting very out of character and unlike a Jedi in order to have him go on a journey to reclaim that identity and become the wise Master we all know and remember, they could've done something similar with Ahsoka. Let the narrative embrace that she's not acting like a Jedi as an intentional choice so that she can move forward from there and BECOME a Jedi again. This is also an arc that Kanan himself is sort-of going on, so it would've been pretty easy to parallel them a little in Rebels if they'd been willing to represent Ahsoka as anything other than a literal angel come to earth.

The problem with the Ahsoka show is that it DOES give her flaws, but the flaws it chooses to give her are the opposite of what they should be. (This paragraph might get a bit spoilery, so if you're trying to avoid spoilers until you finish the whole show, just skip this paragraph.) Instead of showing Ahsoka as impatient/impulsive and somewhat arrogant, they show Ahsoka being too UNFEELING. Ahsoka's primary flaw in the Ahsoka show is that she's too detached because her feelings regarding Anakin's fall have apparently caused her to pull away from connecting to anybody on a deeper level or something. And they choose to show this by having her literally recite Jedi philosophy of non-attachment and have Sabine push back against it. So now it's not just that Ahsoka is too unfeeling but that she's too much like the Prequels Jedi, the BAD Jedi who FAILED. And only once she lets go of those Jedi philosophies holding her back (and instead explicitly chooses to emulate ANAKIN, the dude who let himself be consumed by selfishness and greed and betrayed everybody and threw an entire galaxy into tyranny) is she able to move forward in her relationships. Instead of recognizing that Sabine is impulsive and arrogant and letting that shine a light on Ahsoka's own flaws so that they can BOTH work on them more, it just chooses to justify Sabine's impulsivity and arrogance instead and Ahsoka needs to accept Sabine as she is and support her completely no matter what horrifically selfish bullshit she does. Moral of the story, never hold your loved ones accountable for anything they do wrong!

Long story short, I think Ahsoka was 100% at her best in her bratty teenager phase in early TCW when the narrative actually was willing to admit she HAD flaws that she had to work through and her character has been completely flattened ever since they decided to pretend she no longer has any flaws and is just always right about everything (except for when she's acting TOO MUCH like the wrong kind of Jedi).

#star wars #the clone wars #tcw #star wars rebels #rebels #ahsoka critical #ahsoka tano critical #anti ahsoka show #ahsoka show negativity

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comradekatara · 3 months

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Loved reading your deep dive on sexism in atla and your breakdown of sokka and gender roles. was wondering if you have any posts on your thoughts about katara and aang's relationship/growing affections in the show. and what it means for them as individual characters, but also in the grand scheme and overall message of the show. you're so eloquent and introspective, I would really love to hear your thoughts, if you wanted to share.

thanks! i’m not sure whether you want me to analyze their relationship through a specific framework or focus on anything in particular, so i guess i’ll just generalize here.

symbolically and thematically, aang and katara’s relationship is the heart of the show, and therefore it makes perfect sense that it concludes with their embrace. katara and aang are equal protagonists in my opinion; while aang is the titular character, katara is the narrator, and their respective roles are so informed by each other that they could not exist separately. aang is the last airbender, katara is the last waterbender, and they each come together as genocide survivors to give each other the necessary hope to resist and work towards toppling the imperialist regime that has persecuted and subjugated their peoples.

their relationship is incredibly profound, one of faith, trust, deep friendship, and inexorable hope. they embody the show’s principal themes both as individuals and as a duo. “love is brightest in the dark” really summarizes it best. in absolutely abject, miserable, hopeless conditions, they find true friendship and unconditional love and support in the other, and it allows them to achieve more than anyone around them ever thought possible. but they knew, because they never lost that unwavering faith in each other.

aang was katara’s first true friend, and they are best friends in every sense of the word. katara yells at aang exactly once (in “the waterbending scroll”), and immediately apologizes for it. this is unusual for her, and a testament to her affection for him that so surpasses her feelings for literally anyone else (she never once apologizes for moments wherein she said far harsher things to sokka or toph, for example). aang thinks katara is perfect and beyond reproach, and vice versa. the admiration and love they have for each other is not only very sweet, but also crucial to the show’s entire framework.

and yet…..i don’t really care for their romance. it’s not that i don’t understand its thematic significance (obviously i do), but i think it’s just framed kind of…awkwardly? it doesn’t really land for me. there’s something kind of puerile in the way katara is framed through aang’s gaze that almost trivializes and negates the significance of their friendship to me.

i’m not against their romantic potential point blank, and have said in the past that i think it would make sense for them to date at some point as teenagers, but the way their romance was navigated throughout the show never quite sat right with me. i mean, for one thing, they are babies. but i also just can’t help feeling like their cutesy tween romance undermines the sheer depth of their relationship. while their relationship as a whole is quite literally painted on a cosmic scale, their awkward moments of “aaah i have a crush on my best friend!!!” kind of jar with that. and it doesn’t have to per se; i like that they’re portrayed as goofy kids who also carry the world on their shoulders. but it just kind of does.

i think that writing romance is one of atla’s major weak points, and i really only find sokka’s relationships to land successfully as pure romance in itself. but one of the major strong points of the show’s writing is also how it depicts friendships and familial relationships, and in that domain, aang and katara are centrally, thematically crucial and profound and beautiful. so yes, it makes perfect sense that the show concludes with them embracing against a sunset, finally allowed to rest. but i cannot help but wonder whether it should have ended solely with the hug, and allowed the kiss to remain implied.

#jasmineneedsramen #asks #aang #katara #aang&katara #analysis #hot takes #also just bc their romance doesn’t work for me doesn’t necessarily mean i think it straight up sucks #ymmv and that’s fine

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realbeijinger · 4 months

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Another semi-coherent rant on climate change, the value of idealism, and TGCF (I finally finished!)

Well, I finished Tian Guan Ci Fu. And, oh man, if you read my last post, you’ll know that I was terrified that the entire novel would be a criticism of blind idealism. But I am SO glad I was wrong!!! Looking back on what I wrote before… it’s kind of hilarious how worried I was. I was so sure that I knew where it was going, was so busy preparing myself to be offended/emotionally crushed, that I wouldn’t even entertain the idea that maybe MXTX had a similar worldview to me all along.

In my defense, aside from the line, “Something like saving the common people… although foolish, it is brave,” everything seemed to point toward the idea that trying to do good is pointless. I mean, up until the moment when Xie Lian was lying with a sword in his chest on the streets of Yong’an, all of his efforts to do good had essentially been in vain. He hadn’t been able to help anyone.

And then, when the one guy stopped and gave Xie Lian his hat, I dunno, I just cried. It was so perfect! Like, ugh, damn you, MXTX! So sneaky… destroying us, just to bring us back later!! It was such a small, insignificant win, but it was exactly what Xie Lian (and I) needed. I love the line, “Just one person was enough!” Just one person doing something selfless. It’s enough to give us hope.

It really resonates with me because I think a lot about how to maintain hope. In terms of the climate crisis, I feel like Xie Lian—completely powerless. I want to stop eating meat, use less plastic, spend more time on environmental activism, but honestly, what do any of these things matter? The meat industry is not going to change because I choose to stop consuming. Even my activism has a completely negligible effect—whether or not I join a protest or write a letter to my congressman will almost certainly not be the deciding factor for any climate legislation, no matter how much effort I put in.

And yet, I still want to. I love the moment when Xie Lian chooses to get stabbed over and over rather than create a second plague of Human Face Disease, and White No-Face asks him in shock, “Why??”—as in, why would you ever do that? And Xie Lian responds: “I don’t have a reason—just because I want to! Even if I explained it to you… Useless trash like you wouldn’t understand.” This line is so great. Xie Lian can’t explain it to White No-Face, because, in truth, it isn’t entirely logical. It can’t be explained by reason. I want to do my measly, unimportant part to help the world… because I want to. Because it feels right. Because it’s my way of keeping my heart, of maintaining faith that there is some good in this world worth upholding. (As an aside, I love how the English title of the live action drama—which we may never get to see, God damn censorship!!!!—is called “Eternal Faith.” Of course it refers to Hua Cheng and Xie Lian’s faith in each other, but I think it also means having eternal faith in the value of doing good, despite centuries of experience that seem to show its pointlessness.)

As I talked about in my last post, if you zoom out far enough, nothing really seems to matter. Everything we love and care about will one day be gone. And yet, I believe we still have to act like it matters. This is the basic tenant of existentialism, and I think MXTX portrays this philosophical paradox really beautifully.

It’s funny, because I think MXTX has a lot of profound things to say, but in an interview I read, she warned against viewing her work too deeply, saying, “I am not a guru.” I get that she may not want the responsibility of giving people spiritual advice, but I do think she presents some really fascinating, really novel, philosophical ideas. So, sorry MXTX, but I’m about to analyze TGCF like it’s a piece of freakin scripture. Soo here we go…

The main theme she comes back to again and again is that fortune is limited, so the only way you can do good for others is by taking fortune from somebody else. Which leads the characters to a bunch of ethically impossible choices: the people of Yong’an and the people of Xianle can’t all be saved (Xie Lian must choose who to help), neither can the people of Wuyong and the surrounding kingdoms (Prince of Wuyong must choose), and Shi Wudu can’t save his brother from a tragic fate without taking fortune from an innocent person. When the characters try to avoid choosing, and try to “play God” by creating a “third path,” it just invites disaster.

But is this really true? Is fortune actually limited? It’s an idea that reminds me of Buddhism and Daoism, but also seems kind of revolutionary… (I like to think I know something about Chinese philosophy but it could certainly be a thing and I don’t know). I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe in limited resources, and the idea that nature tends toward balance. I think conceiving of it this way, as a pool of fortune, is really interesting.

It reminds me of this Meme:

In other words, who is the protagonist and who is the villain is entirely based on perspective. And, according to the laws of nature, we all must survive by eating others, or causing others to starve (i.e. avoiding being eaten).

I tried to think if this is really true in all areas of life. I’m a teacher, and one of the ways I convince myself that I am doing good in the world is by helping my students—preparing them well for college so that they can get into good schools and follow their dreams. But then, is this just taking fortune from others? If I do prepare my students well, and as a result they all get into top universities, does that mean they are taking spots away from other students? Am I simply just helping “my own,” at the expense of others?

One place where I see this concept play out very clearly is with our modern, industrialized society. As I mentioned in my last post, we live in a world of abundance. Most of us have enough food to eat, live in houses with electricity and running water, and don’t worry about a whole host of diseases endured by our ancestors. It seems we have done what Xie Lian couldn’t—we have expanded the well of fortune for most of humanity.

But this fortune wasn’t spontaneously created. It was taken from other species. It was borrowed against our own future, when climate change will likely destroy this world of abundance we have created, causing untold suffering. In truth, when it comes to prosperity, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Even now, when we ought to be enjoying our fortune, most of us are not happy. We want other things. We take food, clothing, and shelter for granted, creating even bigger, more lofty demands—a bigger car, a better house, a machine that’s sole purpose is to make bread. In fact, it seems like whenever we make things “better,” the goalposts just move. I recently read a book called Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, which mentioned that with the advent of washing machines and vacuum cleaners, everyone assumed there would be more free time. Yet, the real outcome was that standards of cleanliness just changed. Suddenly, people expected you to wear fresh clothes every day and have a perfectly dust-free home, which meant spending just as much time cleaning as in the past.

And according to psychologists, getting what we want doesn’t really make us happier. Instead, something like getting a promotion causes our happiness to spike, before it quickly returns to baseline. The psychologist Dan Gilbert writes that the purpose of our emotions is to act like a compass—to tell us which direction to go in. If you feel good, you can continue the way you are going. If you feel bad, you should probably turn—make a change. But if you get what you want and become permanently happy, your compass is now broken. It’s stuck in one direction and becomes useless.

All of this is very Buddhist, of course. Suffering is not caused by our external circumstances, but our desire to change them.

Like I said, I don’t necessarily believe in “fate” or “fortune.” But I believe this all points to something deeper that MXTX is getting at: which is that we cannot fundamentally make a better world, for the common people, or for anyone. This idea of “better” doesn’t really exist. The world is as it is. Trying to alter that is like playing God. And like Xie Lian says, “In this world, there are no true gods…”

So, what do we do? How can we survive this absurdist tragedy of life? I don’t think we can just throw up our hands and not give a shit—that way lies depression and Jun Wu-style cruelty. We cannot lose our heart. But we also can’t try to fix everything.

One thing I find a bit difficult about MXTX is she is very clear about the impossible situations our characters find themselves in, but not really clear about the solution. She seems critical of the characters’ actions (I’m thinking also of Wei Wuxian here), but what exactly does she think they should have done? In other words, what is the point?

I spent a long time thinking about this. And I realized that Xie Lian was able to get back on his feet, find happiness and make peace with himself. How did he do this? Ultimately, I see Xie Lian’s solution as having three parts: self-sacrifice, gratitude, and purpose. Which all sounds very academic and maybe not that profound on an emotional level. But hear me out. Because, in the end, I think these choices are incredibly beautiful. They are the kind of thing that make me feel like reading TGCF was actually a spiritual experience, no matter what MXTX says. That makes me admire Xie Lian and want to follow him (like the God he is).

Okay so first: self-sacrifice. If fortune is limited, and the only way to make others’ lives better is to take fortune from someplace else, then there is really only one place you can take it from without hurting others—yourself.

So, part of Xie Lian’s solution is to take fortune from himself and give it to others. It’s why he asks for a cursed shackle that disperses his fortune, so that his fortune will naturally flow to those around him. It’s, of course, a very small thing. He is no longer playing God, or trying to “fix” the world on a grand scale. He is simply, in his own, quiet way, serving the common people.

My desire to give up meat and to spend more time on activism—these things feel like big sacrifices for me. And yet, they will have a very small impact on the greater situation in the world. They’re a drop in the ocean. I still want to do it, but it’s hard. It’s hard to care, or think that these things matter. Yet, this is the trade-off Xie Lian was willing to make. I really admire him for it.

I believe self-sacrifice is actually a really important, beautiful thing, that our society has forgotten the value of. We are individualistic—obsessed with our own wants. As I mentioned previously, our expectations have risen, so we buy and buy and buy. We are unwilling to rein in our consumption. I know a lot of people baulk at lifestyle changes as a solution to the climate crisis, and I agree that putting pressure on individuals instead of governments or corporations is misguided. But, first of all, there simply aren’t enough resources on earth to sustain our current levels of consumption. And, second… I don’t think we can completely let individuals off the hook. What is society anyway, but a collection of individuals? If we are going to address this thing, it’s going to take a massive movement—bigger than the civil rights movement or the works’ rights movement or the women’s movement. It’s going to take millions of people worldwide getting out of their own heads, their own lives, and concerning themselves with the greater good. That requires immense sacrifice.

Which takes me to gratitude. In order to be willing to sacrifice, you have to appreciate what you already have.

People often talk about gratitude these days as a path to mental health. Instinctively, it sounds like an uplifting, positive thing. And it is… but it also entails having a relatively negative worldview. It means remembering all the horrible things that exist in this world which we are lucky enough to avoid on a daily basis. You stepped in some dog shit? Well, that sucks, but you could have stepped into an open manhole and broken your neck! So! That’s something to be grateful for.

We are all so lucky. I’m sure everyone reading this has pains and traumas and challenges. This isn’t to diminish those, but, I hope, at least we all have at least one person to love. That’s all Hua Cheng had, and it’s what kept him going. Just one person was enough. And most of us, I hope, get to eat food every day, get to sleep in a bed, get to play video games or read novels or write poetry when we are sad. Not everyone gets those things.

Xie Lian, of course, was the king of low expectations, because he knew his future was going to be bad. He had intentionally accepted bad luck for a lifetime. So, there was no point in hoping for things to get better.

I think this attitude is best shown by his interaction with the Venerable of Empty words. The Venerable of Empty Words feeds off people’s fears. But Xie Lian didn’t really have any. When the Venerable of Empty Words warned him that his hut will collapse in two months, his response is, “Two months? If it’s still standing in seven days, then it’ll be a real miracle.” Because his expectations are so low, he’s essentially immune to fear. I can’t help but think that if you could really think this way, it would be a kind of superpower. It reminds me of the famous quote by spiritual teacher Krishnamurti, “Do you know what my secret is? You see, I don’t mind what happens.”

And so Xie Lian is okay with everything. He can sleep anywhere, crash boulders on his chest for money, not eat for three days, regularly suffer corpse poisoning, and still be okay.

Which leads to my third point: purpose. Xie Lian is able to endure such hardship because his expectations are low, but also he knows all his suffering has a purpose. “If I am to become a God of misfortune, then so be it,” he says. “As long as I know deep down that I am not.” He is okay with being laughed at or avoided for his bad luck, because deep down he knows he is doing the right thing. People can withstand a great deal if they feel their suffering has meaning. In Man’s Search for Meaning, the psychiatrist Victor Frankl’s writes about the horrors of living through a concentration camp, and how over and over, it was creating purpose that allowed him, and others, to find motivation to survive. Which I think has an important lesson for self-sacrifice. People are willing to sacrifice a lot, if they feel their sacrifice has purpose.

I get it when MXTX says that she is not a guru, and maybe it’s a lot to ask of a danmei novel to take spiritual advice from it. The book wasn’t necessarily perfect, and I do have some critiques (which I was gonna add here, but this thing is already wayyy too long). But… I do think I found something really meaningful in this story—some inspiration. I want to follow Xie Lian’s example, and live with gratitude and acceptance, while keeping my faith in doing the right thing. In other words, WWXLD! (What Would Xie Lian Do?)

#tgcf #mxtx #heaven official's blessing #tgcf meta #tian guan ci fu #climate change #xie lian #hualian #danmei #chinese bl

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justenjoythegossip · 3 months

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Would it be more “acceptable” if Chris & Abba were exclusively PR?

Chris’ performative political activism

Whether Chris and Abba are a real legitimate couple with a PR spin or exclusively PR, Chris’ political activism has proved to be totally performative. It’s one thing to fight for equality and injustice when it is beneficial to your image, it’s another to do it when voicing that opinion can be costly. Look at Melissa Barrera who expressed her opinion, stuck to her guts and lost the role she is most famous for. Look at Brendan Fraser who refused to stay silent and paid such a heavy price after speaking out on his being sexually assaulted. It took him years to come back and finally take home a much deserved Oscar for his acclaimed performance in the Whale.

Chris’ persona and brand were utterly destroyed when he was linked to that fat-shaming racist antisemitic Nazi sympathizing girl. The most aggravating part of this PR shitshow is that by accepting to be officially in a “RS” and then be “married” to her, he has helped put her in the spotlight, which was his first mistake. Look at Dylan O’Brien who is in a real relationship with someone extremely problematic as well. They are rather discreet. If Chris and Abba had behaved like a real private couple, if Abba would have stayed in the shadow, then the backlash would have been kept to a minimum. Also by agreeing to this, Chris helped clean her image. Knowing what she has shown to the world publicly, it’s all the more egregious to see the media portraying her as this smart talented great humanitarian who speaks 5 languages and who has perfect eyebrows. The gaslighting is unbearable.

Of course, Chris has famously said that the industry makes you do things that you don’t want to do. But it is an excuse. It’s a rationalization. The truth is that he had a choice. For sure the two options he was offered probably sucked but he still had a choice. Nobody forced this on him. And he knew the optics were terrible. That’s why he didn’t come back to Twitter, that’s why he took so much distance from his political project ASP. It would have been too hypocritical to be vocal and to be lecturing people when he, himself, was connected to someone that represents what he is allegedly fighting against.

When he did that infamous asp chat about racism and antisemitism, it wasn’t random. It was very likely a test to monitor the reaction of his fans. This is probably why they left all those negative comments. They wanted to know if Chris had been forgiven...

If their “RS/marriage” was exclusively PR, would that absolve him somehow?

Certain mods have expressed the opinion that if Chris and Abba were a real legitimate couple, it would be much worse and then they couldn’t support Chris anymore. I don’t mean to judge or criticize anyone’s opinion by the way, especially since I think some of those mods are good, well-intentioned people and I love reading their take on things but I am just trying to ask questions here.

What is implied here is that it’s ok and preferable to compromise yourself if it’s meant for your career. And it’s true that we are taught from the earliest age that we have to succeed. Whatever the cost may be. We must have friends, have a career, have money, have a family, have a house… So much emphasis on having and so little on being. This is the darker side of the American dream, it puts way too much importance on money and success. And if you can’t achieve those goals then you are considered to be worthless. Nihilism starts right there. If you are nothing, it’s a lot easier to give up on your morals and ethics…

To get back to Chris. Yes he’s had an amazing career, the kind of career most actors would kill for. But it’s easy to relate to being terrified to lose what you have and what you have always wanted. I guess the desperation must be unbearable if you have defined yourself by your professional success and you see that things start slipping away from you. And by his looks and demeanor, people can tell he has struggled with it. Although it might be an act of course. But I choose to believe that it’s genuine and that he really feels guilty about it.

But wouldn’t love make this situation more “acceptable”?

If Chris and Abba were exclusively PR, then it would signify that Chris compromised himself and his beliefs for his career, for roles, for money and for power.

But wouldn’t it be actually “preferable” and “more acceptable” to compromise yourself out of love?

Love can be so powerful and nonsensical that certain people have lost their ways because of it. People have betrayed their partners or spouses, some have abandoned their own children because of it. Heck, people have even killed out of passion. And we sometimes free those people in a court of law when a jury decides that the criminal was so blinded by love and passion that they were unable to distinguish right from wrong. We call it temporary insanity!

If Chris had genuinely fallen in love with Abba (I don’t believe it by the way) to the point of being blind to her problematic stuff, would that be really worse or wouldn’t that serve as more mitigating circumstances? I am merely asking a question: compromising yourself for money and roles is it better than compromising yourself out of love? Did we actually become too cynical? Too materialistic?

Chris and his treatment of Abba and how it is reflective of our society…

Regardless of what we might think of Abba (and for sure we don’t have a good opinion of her), Chris has treated her very poorly. And this doesn’t reflect well on him.

Indeed he has done the absolute bare minimum to sell this, has never even said her name once, he has acted all ashamed most times she was nearby, has thrown shade (see the GQ interview where he implied she was judgmental), he has kept repeating how much he likes to be alone and how his dog is his true soulmate. He even said while allegedly being with her that he was looking for a partner to spend the rest of his life with. Ouch!

Of course, people who know about her problematic stuff will have trouble having any kind of empathy for her but that doesn’t make it ok.

Chris has agreed to this PR shitshow so tacitly he has accepted that Abba is good enough for these PR games and he has accepted to use her. So he should treat her with a minimum of respect. Otherwise he shouldn’t have gone through with it in the first place.

And it’s very symptomatic of our society these days. With the propaganda pushed by the mass media, we are taught that it’s ok to hate on people as long as they are horrible human beings. And similarly we have seen so many mods troll and comment on Abba‘s appearance as if it was even relevant. Just because someone is horrible, it doesn’t give you a license to behave the same way. Otherwise you become the very same thing you are criticizing.

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inkdemonapologist · 8 months

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What are your thoughts on the characterization of the ink demon himself?

In BatDR? Ehhhhh…….

There’s plenty of room for interesting headcanons, especially what with the Ink Demon and Bendy behaving so differently. A lot of folks have imagined it as a Jekyll & Hyde type situation, which is neat, or just an internal Venom-esque “the souls of the innocent/two bagels” dynamic. Or there’s the interpretation that the Ink Demon deep down wants the love and acceptance he gets as Baby Bendy; he’s the same guy, but his emotions have been messed with and he’s being treated differently so he reacts differently, which is a take I actually really like.

Just looking at the Ink Demon on his own, it’s SO easy to read him as a teenager, thinking he’s so cool and edgy talking about his Dark Kingdom, not looking like Bendy anymore b/c hes decided wanting to look like Bendy is cringy and he’s TOUGH AND POINTY NOW – then making The Dumbest Mistake at the end by letting Audrey possess him because he thinks it’ll make him more powerful, and having no idea how to fix it, but still trying to act cool. The idea of BatIM’s Ink Demon being the equivalent of a frustrated child lashing out, and BatDR’s Ink Demon being a teenager who has internalised that he’ll be harmed if he’s not powerful and has embraced being evil and violent and hated as a shield, is an interpretation that makes sense to me. There was this GREAT fanart I vaguely recall but cannot find again of the Ink Demon with a symbolic birdcage in the middle of his chest where the little Bendy rocked peacefully on a swing – Bendy as the piece of him that’s scared and hurt, a piece he’s pushed from sight more and more in favour of making himself more sharp and cruel, but now can’t always hide, is a REALLY INTERESTING thematic concept.

But the truth is that we didn’t get any of those things --

Bendy and the Ink Demon being the same creature is a really interesting development that is literally never touched on beyond explaining how and why it happened. What does Bendy think of the Ink Demon form? What does the Ink Demon think of the Bendy form? Are they two consciousnesses, or the same guy? Really obvious questions that you’d think would be inherently guaranteed to come up due to the premise, but they don’t! Audrey discovers that Baby Bendy and the Ink Demon are the same entity and seems to feel exactly nothing about this? She still supports ending the Ink Demon, even though he’s the little cartoon devil she made friends with and said she didn’t want to hurt… it just seems like there should at least be a conflicted feeling somewhere. The Ink Demon himself is portrayed as Just Evil, and nothing challenges that, to a level that’s so bizarre that it really feels like the NARRATIVE ITSELF is baffled by the idea that anyone might question the basic idea of "Scary Demon Bad, Cute Bendy Good". And I’ve talked before about how strange Joey’s final speech comes across once you notice this, as he brushes the Demon off as an “evil face” while telling Audrey how special and perfect and loved she is, and the whole moment is framed as though we’re meant to be encouraged by Joey, and not wincing at the way he disregards the demon he mistreated and abandoned.

The Ink Demon has been regarded as a soulless, monstrous mistake by various characters throughout this whole series, locked up and now literally, unambiguously tortured because of it, and it’s easy to imagine the story that assertion suggests – one where the Ink Demon’s cruelty is the result of him being cast out and treated with disgust by humans, like Mewtwo or some kind of inky Frankenstein. But in BatDR, we never see any hint that the initial reading of “monstrous mistake” is incorrect. As if locking him up was the correct, smart thing to do, and creating Baby Bendy to trap him and cause him pain was a good move, and the only problem is that it can’t be made permanent.

I think the closest we get to seeing something more from the Demon is his line to Audrey about being a mistake and a monster, “like me.” I really like his speech in that scene… He could simply be trying to manipulate her, but it’s so easy to read as projection, as if the only way the Ink Demon could reveal his own betrayed feelings is by accusing someone else of them. And then… nothing really comes of it. Everyone continues regarding the Demon as a purely evil monster. When the Ink Demon lashes out at Joey, it’s not framed as a reaction to being rejected so explicitly, it’s just… trying to stop him because Joey’s getting through to the Demon’s intended prey (with bonus points for "the wretch is mine" making him feel particularly scummy). You can still imagine he’s motivated by those things, but I really feel like you have to come into the story with that assumption in order to see it there.

This isn’t saying that the Demon has to not be a bad guy for his characterisation to be compelling – like, for example, Audrey could just have a short moment of realising that if Bendy IS the Ink Demon, there must be more to the Demon than we can see – but decide he’s too dangerous to risk giving up the chance to stop him (WHICH SURE WOULD BE INTERESTING GIVEN THE TRAJECTORY OF HER FATHER’S LIFE, HUH). He can still be a violent monster who is creepy at Audrey, tries to kill her, lies to her, and then eats(???) her. He doesn’t have to behave sympathetically for the narrative to acknowledge that he’s been treated unfairly, and the other characters don’t have to give him a chance at redemption in order to be believably good people. But it feels weird that…. the narrative never seems to notice??? Anywhere???? ESPECIALLY AFTER MENTIONING THE TORTURE EXPERIMENTS??? I think Malice’s writing in this game was incoherent, but the narrative’s treatment of her was humane; she’s violent and cruel and has to be stopped, but the character who keeps having to drive a sword through her torso still feels for her and notices her pain. It’s bafflingly wild that Audrey never really gets a moment like this for the demon.

#bendy and the dark revival #batdr #ink demon #we all write on the walls #i know you have questions you always do #this is still such a wild choice #like you're constantly waiting for that moment where someone gets it but it never comes #hilariously despite my feelings here my username was not originally based on feelings about the ink demon #i wanted to be sammy and thought inkdemonapologist would be a funny username for the ink demon's prophet to choose on tumblr dot com

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yuikomorii · 5 months

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Let's judge fairly. Yui had her development too. It's not like she didn't have any development.

// I wouldn’t necessarily call it development, I would rather say the story itself advanced and she grew accustomed to the circumstances. Over the course of the games, she got better at managing the Diaboys since you get to know someone after spending a lot of time with them and well… she also started acting more cheeky and bolder with them, for the reason that they started dating. She didn't know Karlheinz well in HDB and MB, so she didn't have any opinion about him, but in DF and CL, she called him out after Karl revealed how much of a jerk he is. It's not like she wouldn't have done that earlier if she had known the truth about him from the beginning—she called out Cordelia in the first game, after all.

However, I do think there are two particular scenes where they tried to highlight some major (?) development.

One is from Ayato's MB route, when she acknowledged acting in a selfish manner and concentrating solely on her feeling rather than on Ayato too, who was also having difficulties. She came to the realization that Ayato isn't perfect, despite being cute and giving her pleasure, and learned to accept him for all of his good and bad traits.

The other one is from Laito’s LE route, in which Reiji tries to make her understand that not believing in your lover can be very painful and that it’s not okay talking like that behind his back.

The message itself was good but this is the type of forced character development I have mixed feelings about. They didn’t have to make Yui act like that because it only portrays her as the bad one here. Yui is the first person Laito has ever opened up to and she was well aware that Laito hates Karlheinz, so getting his powers would undoubtedly damage him, yet she kept failing to understand that, despite the fact that they’ve been dating for some months and should have known better. The scene in which she says that Laito knows everything about her, yet she knows nothing about him only makes her appear so foolish in order to generate conflict. Like… come on, how can the heroine claim such a thing after dating a guy for SIX games?? Plus, the reasons of Laito’s actions were OBVIOUS that not even Reiji could entirely put the blame on him based on his situation.

As for Ayato’s MB route, I can’t entirely put the blame on her; I mean… Ayato is super good-looking and could probably pull anyone, but I can’t comprehend how she failed to realize that he has negative traits too?? It should be crystal clear that nobody is perfect and that everyone has their own issues, so you can’t beg someone to consider you special if they don’t feel like it.

It would have been 10 times better if Rejet actually tried to overcome her weaknesses, instead of adding new flaws. No, writing the heroine to suddenly have a shallow or selfish mindset only to make her “become a better person after realizing her mistakes” was not needed at all. And it’s also not fun making a character learn the same lesson in more games.

Credit to: dialovers-translations on Tumblr

The best scene, in which they could have genuinely made her evolve as a person, was in Carla’s LE route, when she admitted wanting to help him and the ghouls. It would have been nice seeing Carla putting faith in her and giving her an important yet hard task. Seeing Yui try her best to do it right, even if she was struggling at first, would have been such a cute moment. But nope, they decided to push her aside instead.

Other than that, idk if becoming a masochist and less sane as in the beginning count as development, lol, but if it does then it works like that too.

I get that it’s an otome game and most people play it for the guys but I feel like the heroine deserves to have her own storyline where she discovers herself and improves. DL feels more like the Diaboys' journey than her own, which is ironic because she’s the HEROINE, and in her most recent appearance, Rejet literally described her as “Ayato’s lover” without even using her name. I don’t really think the developers care that much about her, otherwise I doubt they’d be ok with all her character inconsistencies.

Yui is my favorite heroine because I find her really cute and likeable, plus I relate to her, but I’m aware of the fact that a likeable character does not equal a good one. She’s your average early 2010s heroine, who could have been indeed better written but serves her purpose, which is still good.

#admin

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uhohdad · 8 months

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two things you’re never going to see from me is complaints on the portrayal of konig’s character (or anyone else, really) and “rules” on how to write your COD fanfiction.

idk about y’all but when i write it’s incredibly self indulgent. i write about what i want to write to satisfy my own sexual creative needs and i think y’all should do the same. you’re not gonna see me throw a fit if i don’t agree with your portrayal of a fictional man with 3 pieces of confirmed lore. if i disagree that much i just won’t read it? i’m not going to rain on your parade and tell you that you should stop doing your creative outlet and sharing your stories bc i don’t agree with how you want to write his character or bc you don’t follow canon.

you wanna portray him as a stone cold and ruthless killer who thirsts for the blood of his enemies? as the big soft uwu boy everyone hates so much? you want him to be 20y/o, 45 y/o, 60y/o? mean, kind, confident, anxious, smart, himbo, reserved, persistent, wholesome, a pervert? you want to strip this man of everything you know totally OOC and just borrow his appearance for a coffee shop AU? it’s okay! chances are there’s other people out there who were craving just the thing you’re cooking.

no one is doing this for a living, we’re all writing fanfiction about our imaginary boyfriends in CALL OF DUTY as a hobby. it’s just not that serious. this goes for all creative fandom works, too.

i’m personally very picky about my fanfiction, but who’s silly little problem is that? that’s my silly little problem. i’m here for the grind, the chase, the dig. too weak to handle scrolling back 100 pages on ao3 just to find the perfect strangers to enemies to friends to lovers 100k word porn with plot with accurate character potrayal you were looking for? you might be in the wrong business if you can’t handle the hunt, my friend.

y’all are making free content for us to consume. that’s more than enough, and the priority at all times should be to make sure you’re having fun writing. I’d rather you all share your OOC goofy little fics that you felt motivated and inspired to write than a canon friendly story you had to force yourself to get through for our sake.

anyway i’ll go to bat for fic writers any day of the week. tldr; don’t ever let anyone dictate how you express yourself creatively, give yourself permission to go nuts like a 6 yo old with paste, glitter, and elbow macaroni. free yourself from the weight of the chains of creative stifling and see how close to the sun you can girlboss. let us seethe at the hands of your raw muse.

and as always, thank you for sharing your art with the world.

#sorry i really try not to get involved in discourse and do my best to keep things light hearted around here #but idk i don’t think we should be tearing each other down for our creative writing choices #it’s just for fun #fwiw no one said this to me but i see a lot of posts of people complaining about this in the konig tag #like girl just don’t read it??#if everything is properly tagged what is the problem?#anyway i’ll literally go to bat for any fic writer y’all are doing the lords work #i’ll shut up now #konig #konig call of duty #call of duty #cod #könig #modern warefare ii #uhohspeaks

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eddiemunsonw · 1 year

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Paint me red.

PART 4

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader

Summary: You're one of Vickie's best friends. Her girlfriend, Robin, is in need of a distraction for her best friend, Steve Harrington, who you vaguely remember from school. Which is where you come in.

CW / Disclaimer: A bunch of cute stuff, just a nice feel good fic about our dear boy Steve.

Author’s note: It was time to write about Steve Harrington, so here it is. Four parts, can find them both on here and on my ao3: eddiemunsons. Enjoy!

Words: (of current chapter) 2783 / (complete fic) 13059

Steve’s POV

Steve had himself draped nearly flat over the counter, arms folded under his head as he watched Robin dart from left to right in front of him while she talked. He watched with mild amusement as she gestured wildly along with her words. In all fairness, he wasn’t exactly following what the point of her story was anymore as she had redirected the course of it about six times now, but he loved hearing her talk.

“… so. You’re coming to the fair with me.”

He frowned.

“Huh?”

Robin rolled her eyes affectionately and ruffled his hair, which immediately caused him to straighten his back to fix it.

“Have you even been listening?” she asked. Steve nodded, then shrugged, then shook his head.

“I… tried?” He provided a crooked smile.

“Vickie and Y/N are working at the fair. I’m gonna give Vickie a visit so you should come. They work at a food stall so… can have a nice chat and stuff.”

Steve thought back on the last time he had seen you and suppressed the smile that threatened to grow on his lips. He remembered how fun it had been during the paintball game, how you had painted a flower on his cheek and how he hadn’t wanted you to get out of his car in favor of talking to you for a little while longer.

“Won’t that be weird?” Steve questioned, considering that maybe you wouldn’t want to see him. It wasn’t like you had given him the idea that you were interested at all. Normally, girls would fawn over him before he even had to woo them. Except with Robin, but Robin was gay. Even Nancy had given obvious signs that she was interested. What if…

“Are you sure she’s into guys?”

“Uh, yeah? I think she’s definitely into guys. Why does that matter? Are you into her?”

Steve avoided her smug expression. Robin was having none of it and moved her head into his vision, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“She’s nice,” Steve mumbled.

“Nice.”

“Yeah! She’s nice. Can’t people be nice?”

“Just nice?”

Steve sighed and rubbed his face with his hand. Robin always did stuff like that. Asked questions in a way that made him want to defend his answers.

“She’s nice and… funny.”

Robin raised her brow.

“Fine, she’s also hot. Her eyes are really pretty. Nice hair too and… well, everything,” Steve admitted with a sigh. Robin could read him like a book, as usual. He just hoped he was only obvious to her. His crushes on people blossomed way too quickly. People could simply portray some basic human decency and he’d feel a subtle notion of butterflies. Not actual butterflies, but his brain could easily trick him into believing they were.

Robin’s subtle smile spread into a grin.

“I thought so. You like her. So. Fair? Yes? Can I tell Vickie we’ll be there?”

“Sure, yeah. Do that.”

Robin smirked and grabbed her pack of gum from the counter.

“Perfect. Want one?”

“Yes, thanks.”

The fair was bustling with people all around, visitors a mix of children to elderly, though teens and young adults were mostly prevalent. While Steve took in the various stalls and attractions they had, Robin was trying to make a beeline towards the stall you and Vickie were at. It was when Steve glanced up at a giant pink teddy bear, his footsteps faltering, that Robin sighed and hooked her arm through his.

“Don’t get any ideas, she might be one of the many girls that don’t like pink.”

“I was just looking,” Steve argued, turning his head to look at it one more time. “It’s just… massive, isn’t it? I never understood why anyone would want a big plushie like that.”

“To hug it, sit against it, I don’t know. I don’t like them either.”

“Don’t they have their partners for that?” Steve questioned out loud, to which Robin shrugged.

“Maybe it’s for when they miss them? Anyway, maybe plushies hug better than some people.” A beat and then: “Vickie gives the best hugs.”

Steve smiled softly at her and let her lead him towards the food stall. It was easy to spot Vickie in the distance, though he didn’t see you yet. Perhaps you were taking a break or something. Once they arrived at Vickie’s stall they were met with a bright smile and she quickly walked around it to hug them both.

“Hi guys!” She immediately eyed Steve apologetically. “Sorry, Y/N isn’t here.”

“Oh,” Steve said, unable to hide his disappointment all that well. “That’s— she’s not sick or anything, is she?”

“Oh, no! She’s just not here,” Vickie said, pointing to the ground. “She had to cover for someone at the haunted house.” Steve followed her gaze towards a creepy looking attraction where several people stormed out of every now and then. Fun.

“Oh okay, cool. I’ll see if I can spot her later, maybe.”

“You should go in! It’s really fun. And scary of course,” she said with a giggle. “I’ll be here when you get back,” she told Robin then with a bored roll of her eyes. “I’ll be here alllll night.”

Robin squeezed her hand sympathetically and smiled.

“Will you have time to walk around with me later? I saw a giant bear plushie that I want to win for you.”

Steve gaped at her and she shrugged as a smile tugged on her lips.

“So that’s why you were so damned to drag me away, huh? You wanted it all for yourself,” Steve concluded with narrowed eyes.

“She likes pink,” Robin said, as if that was enough of an explanation. Vickie beamed at her and nodded excitedly.

“Yeah! I’ll get off at ten so we will have two hours or so. Just promise me you won’t waste all your savings, please. Let’s agree on an amount.”

“Who says I’m not a professional at balloon popping?” Robin countered with a playful smile. Vickie batted her eyelashes at her and wrapped her arms around her neck before giving her a quick kiss on her cheek.

“Alright. Show me your best!”

After that, Steve and Robin headed to the ticket booth of the haunted house and he was surprised not to see you there either. For some reason that had seemed to be the most logical place to spot you next. It bugged him a little that disappointment swirled in his stomach. When did his desire to see you become so strong all of a sudden?

“Maybe she’s inside?” Robin offered, noticing his confused expression.

“To do what?”

“I don’t know, scare people?”

Steve shrugged and joined Robin in the row to the haunted house. Many screams were heard from both inside and at the exit and if he was honest, he was already dreading it. He wasn’t scared that easily, he liked to think (it was a lie), but haunted houses just gave him the type of fright that was hard to ignore, especially if someone ran after him unexpectedly. There was no way he was backing out though, he just hoped he’d see you somehow. Maybe they did some storytelling inside? He doubted you were a scare actor since they usually went all out for that with make up and costumes and what not. According to Vickie you had been called upon pretty last minute.

It was extremely dark inside and he fought the urge to grab Robin’s hand immediately. She’d never let him hear the end of it. Cautiously, they walked forward, the first room being filled with eerie sounds and cobwebs hanging low from the wall. They even added a giant spider on one, which creeped him out already. This was going to be hell. His eyes flickered over to the jail bars next to him as they entered the next room and he noticed actors were standing behind it, occasionally snaking a hand through the bars. Robin however hadn’t noticed, and when one of them lightly grazed her arm, she bolted with a scream.

“Oh, great,” Steve mumbled dryly, earning a giggle from an actor breaking character for a second. He hoped Robin was alright, as he didn’t find her in the next room, or the next. His eyes were so focused on finding the entrance to the following room that he hadn’t noticed he wasn’t alone. Out of nowhere, an actor jumped in front of him, arms wide open as if to grab him.

“AHH!”

As he jumped backwards he saw that they were smaller than him and wearing a mask and, he vaguely noticed through his own screaming, were calling him by his name.

“Steve! Steve, it’s me!”

Y/N’s pov

Steve relaxed cautiously as you put your hands on his shoulders after lifting the mask up to rest on top of your head.

“Steve.” A soft giggle escaped you. “It’s me, Y/N.” You gave his shoulders a quick squeeze and pulled him aside in case the next group would show up.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N,” Steve sighed exasperatedly as his hands searched for a way to hold onto you. He settled for a brief brush of his hands against your shoulders before he dropped his arms again. “Ever thought of saying hi instead? I think I lost three years of my life just now.”

You couldn’t help but giggle some more and squeezed his shoulders lightly. Your hands traveled down his arms until it felt right to remove them and you shrugged.

“It is a haunted house after all. Wait, then I guess it was Robin who I saw running past just now then, huh? I was still processing that but then I saw you and I was certain it was you, so…”

“It’s me. Steve “The Deceased” Harrington. I might as well stay here forever now, become a corpse,” Steve said with a heavy hand gesture.

“You’re so dramatic, Steve.” You smiled. “Go on, before the others come. I don’t wanna keep you.” You urged him towards the next room but he shook his head.

“Wait— Uh… Do you also get off at ten? Like Vickie?”

“Yes…?” you asked, feeling there was more to that question.

“Do you want to hang out with me after? Vickie and Robin are going to and I don’t really want to be a third wheel and uhm… Well no it’s not just that, I also had fun with you last time, so. Yeah. Just a question. If you like.”

He ran his hand through his hair and scratched the back of his neck all in one motion and sighed, unsure what to do next. You smiled at him.

“I’d love to. We can meet at the food stall? I’ll for sure be hungry and I’ve promised myself some churros.”

Steve nodded.

“Alright, meet you there.” He glanced towards the next room. “I don’t trust this place after what you did to me just now.”

“You’ll be fine. Just be prepared for when the guy with the chainsaw comes running after you and don’t break a leg, please. ‘S gonna be hard to walk around the fair with me otherwise.”

“A guy with a— Okay, I’ll do my best,” Steve groaned. “Nice seeing you again, despite these circumstances,” he added with a soft smile. You nodded in agreement.

“Nice seeing you too, Steve “The Deceased” Harrington.”

Ten couldn’t come around soon enough. Luckily time passed faster in a haunted house than it did at a food stall, as the energy of people in an attraction was vastly different. You managed to scare quite a few people, though you didn’t jump in front of anyone like you had with Steve. That had been personal, for the sake of it. Other than that one time you spent your time walking through the room slowly, dragging a fake ax behind you on the ground. That was scary enough for most people. Being in a haunted house usually made them skittish for the mere fact that they were in it.

Aside from time passing by fast, you wished you had spent it at the food stall instead. It would have meant you didn’t smell like a stuffy mask and your hair would still be perfectly in place and Steve would probably— Hold on. You stopped your train of thought quickly. Since when were you focusing on appearance when it came to Steve? You shook your head, quickly shrugging it off. Nonsense, you just wanted to be presentable in general. That was all. A relieved sigh left your mouth which coincidentally startled a person who had just wandered into the room. Oops.

You left a little past ten as you waited for someone to replace you since you had only agreed to take over until that time. After handing the guy your mask and long, oversized coat you had been wearing to hide your clothes, you quickly made your exit towards the staff bathrooms to freshen up a little. Wearing a red t-shirt to match the food stall had all been fun until you didn’t spend most of the night there, as well as the red lipstick you had decided to wear. Your light blue washed jeans and black boots finished the look and to your relief you still looked presentable enough after a quick touch up.

You were only half surprised to just see Steve standing there and you couldn’t blame Robin and Vickie for wanting to get as much time together as they could. Seeing Steve all by himself did make you feel a little guilty though, considering it was already twenty minutes past the agreed time. Once you got closer, you realized he was wearing a paper cone with churros and your heart swelled a little. Vickie had already cleaned up the food stall, so getting them yourself would have been out of the question. He seemed to be lost in thought still when you halted next to him and decided to give him the lightest poke on his bicep.

“Don’t wanna scare you a second time,” you told him softly. Steve turned around, still a little startled, and you watched his face break out in a smile.

“Hey you,” he greeted you.

“Hi,” you quipped with a grin. He gave himself a moment to drink you in before he held out the churros.

“Here, for you. Told Vickie you wanted some.”

“You’re a hero, oh my god, thank you!” you groaned at the sight as you accepted it from his hand, fingers sliding past yours. “You want one too?”

Steve shook his head, his smile soft.

“I’m good, I had some just now. I uh… got you a drink too,” he said as he held it in view. “You wanna go for a walk around?”

You smiled at how considerate he was and nodded with your mouth full of your first churro bite. He took it as a yes and smirked as he nodded over to the right.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

There was a comfortable silence between you while you devoured your churros and gratefully accepted the drink he had gotten you on Vickie’s suggestion. You spotted her and Robin at the balloon popping stand and tugged Steve along by his arm when he wanted to make his way over.

“This is their date, let’s give them some privacy,” you told him softly as Steve willingly let himself be pulled along. As you passed a ring toss booth, your eyes flicked towards a cute plushie. It was a weird, purple little mushroom supposedly standing on a rock. Steve followed your gaze and lowered himself a little to catch the right one into view, his hands resting on his hips.

“Hmm… the dog?” he tried, pointing at an adorable dalmatian dog plushie.

“Nope, the purple mushroom.”

A giggle left his mouth, surprising himself it seemed as he clasped a hand over his mouth and he pulled his hands up defensively as you quirked a brow at him.

“No it’s— adorable! Really. Just didn’t expect it.”

“No? Well lucky me, I love being a little unpredictable.” You shrugged and Steve chuckled, pulling gently on your wrist as you set another step away from the booth.

“Oh you are, believe me,” Steve mumbled with a soft sigh. “Come on, let’s get you your weird little mushroom.”

“You’re gonna win it for me, huh?” you asked, eyeing him provocatively as if you didn’t believe he could.

“No,” he told you, lowering himself to your height. “We are going to win it.”

After a couple tries, you fought a smile at every failed attempt. Not because it was funny to see him fail, but because the soft little grunts he made were simply adorable. He tried not to show it, but he definitely started to get worse the moment he realized it wasn’t as easy as anticipated.

“Now I see why you said we were going to win it,” you teased, a grin almost permanent on your face now.

“Oh, shut up,” he mumbled, nudging you with his elbow. “If you’re so good, show me how it’s done then? Come on.”

“Oh I couldn’t possibly be as good as you. We stand no chance if we waste our tries on little ol’ me.” Acting like a damsel in distress had never been this funny to you. Steve rolled his eyes affectionately and put his hand on the small of your back to move you in front of him.

“Here, hold this. Swing it towards the red ones, they are worth the most.”

“He says as if I haven’t been paying attention,” you remarked dryly. “You didn’t think I was just staring at you, were you?”

“Wouldn’t mind if you were.”

It left his lips so naturally that your grip on the ring faltered for a second. You could feel him smiling. Oh, he was loving this.

“Well, too bad, Steve. I was too focused on watching you try.”

Steve whistled softly and pretended to clasp his heart, though you couldn’t really see it as your back was still facing his front. You definitely didn’t miss the sound of him slapping his own chest, though.

“You try it then,” he challenged.

“Hmm, not gonna show me how it works? That’s surprising.”

“All you have to do is ask.”

A chuckle left your lips. He was getting bolder and you found that you liked it. Kept his distance, yet hovered closely behind you. Gave you lingering looks but didn’t push for anything after them. It was a playful game.

“Oh, no need, I’m good. I just figured since you’re breathing down my neck a little, that you were gonna pull a move or something.”

Games aside though, you slightly cursed yourself at your need to bite back, wondering how long it would take before you crossed a line with him. It wasn’t as if you knew him that well. To your surprise, he laughed.

“I didn’t think you were the type that enjoys cliché moves like that.”

“So what type do you think I am?”

“Someone determined to win her own weird mushroom plushies, probably.”

You laughed at that and finally gave the ring a flick of your wrist, landing around a green stick which was thirty points.

“You make it sound so…” Unsure how to finish the sentence, you simply threw another ring, and another, not bothering to really try. After three more throws you had seventy points in total, which wasn’t a lot.

“You’re not even trying,” he remarked dryly as he nudged your shoulder gently.

“So rude,” you retorted, a playful smile on your lips as you turned around. “I guess you should show me how it’s done then,” you quipped with a shrug of your shoulder. Steve leaned closer, his front and your back nearly squeezing out the warmth that was gathering between you both as he picked up the remaining rings you had. Where you expected him to do the whole touchy feely thing, he did the opposite. Instead, he stood next to you and nudged your hip with his own to make room.

“Alright then,” he smirked and, oh. The bastard had the audacity to wink. Apparently your little back and forth had caused a surge in confidence within him though, because he managed to hit the five remaining rings all in either fifty or forty. With your points counted together you were just a few tens short, but with some convincing words from Steve you got it anyway. The man in the booth handed it to you and you squeezed it with delight before holding it up to Steve, nearly pushing it into his face.

“Look at it! Isn’t it cute?!”

Steve laughed and nodded at you, pushing the plushie down with his hand a bit to meet your eyes.

“Almost as cute as you are right now.”

Well damn. He did it again. A faint blush tainted your cheeks and you quickly lowered the plushie to hold it against your side. Steve cocked his head, amused at your reaction and tapped the back of your hand with his finger.

“Where to next?”

Since the ring throwing had basically been for you and your plushie, you decided that it was Steve’s time to pick. Without missing a beat he decided on the ferris wheel. Curiosity built up in your belly, wondering whether the ferris wheel held any other implications than admiring the view, which wouldn’t be too impressive at this time of night. The lights were nice, sure, but other than that you couldn’t really see far and wide like you would during the day. Though, that would be less romantic, you supposed. Not that you were hoping for it to be romantic, although…

Your eyes found Steve’s face again, as they had quite a bit tonight. You had promised yourself not to let yourself be tempted by him so easily. But what could you do? He was funny, kind, charming, a flirt in a fun way, handsome as hell and just… really sweet. Making sure you had your churros had been really thoughtful and it was nice how he wanted to win the plushie for you without being all alpha male about it.

“Something on my face?” Steve interrupted your thoughts. You blinked rapidly, turning your head away as you shrugged, trying to remain casual.

“Just your freckles. I don’t know if you ever noticed, but you have quite a few.”

Steve sighed and when he answered that he did in fact know, he actually sounded a bit self conscious, which was the last thing you wanted to achieve with that statement.

“I like them. They’re really pretty,” you stated.

Now it was Steve’s turn to look at you, eyebrows lifted in surprise, as if no one had ever told him how pretty his freckles were. As if. There was no way all those girls looked at that man and didn’t compliment him on it, right? From the looks of it, your words had an effect on him as he positively started blushing a deep crimson and mumbled something incoherently that mostly seemed to resemble ‘thanks’. Damn. Add cute to that list.

“Here we are,” you announced as if the giant ferris wheel in front of you wasn’t enough of a confirmation. “Ready to get high?”

Steve smirked. “Eddie would love that joke.” He frowned to himself, awkwardly gestured towards the sky and sighed. “The uh, high thing. He’s a friend.”

“I remember him,” you told him with a nod. “Wouldn’t have imagined you two together as friends though, somehow.”

“We both happened to hang out with this kid and— I’m making it weirder,” Steve sighed. “Dustin. Henderson? He lives near you.”

“Oh! Yeah I know him. He’s alright. Seems like an old man in a kid’s body sometimes, so I’m not surprised he keeps up with you two.”

“Uh… thanks?” Steve responded unsurely, though he seemed to understand exactly what you meant.

“Did you find it funny though?”

“What?”

“The high joke.”

“Oh! Yeah. I did.”

“Oof… no need to lie, Steve, that hurts…”

“I’m n— Y/N. You're making a fool of me again, huh?”

Just as you wanted to respond, the guy at the ticket booth interrupted you.

“Hey, lovebirds, are you gonna go in or not? We’re about to start the last round.”

“Jeez… already?” you mumbled to yourself. “Yeah, Frank. Two tickets please.”

“Oh just go in already,” Frank grumbled, but answered your smile as you gave him a grateful nod. Steve let you get in first and watched how you clutched the plushie between your thighs.

“Can’t risk losing it,” you explained. Steve nodded in understanding and settled next to you, making the cart wobble a bit as he did so. As soon as the cart started to move to the next spot, you felt how Steve put his arm behind your back, his hand wrapping around a part of the frame.

It was the first time the usual comfortable silence between the two of you actually felt a little awkward, especially when you felt his thigh press against yours. Steve seemed to be focused on the view although you could feel how he was drumming against the frame with his fingers since his arm flexed against your upper back. When you reached the top, Steve finally broke the silence.

“Can you point out where your home is?”

Startled by his sudden question, you looked around for things you recognized and narrowed your eyes.

“Hmm… I’m not good at this. Somewhere in that direction though, you said as you stretched out your arm to point.

“Almost,” Steve mumbled, lifting his own arm to circle his hand around your wrist and adjust it. “Right there.”

You smiled softly and turned your head to respond, but quickly found that his face was so close that it felt safer to just talk towards the darkness of the night.

“You could be pointing at the other side of town and I’d still believe you,” you mumbled. Steve chuckles softly and your current position made it easy to feel the vibration of his laugh, causing your cheeks to heat up again.

“Now that’s a little worrying, trusting me blindly.”

“I trust you won’t take advantage of that. And anyway, it’s not like I won’t know my way back after that.”

“I wouldn’t dare.” The atmosphere finally felt a little relaxed again. Your chest didn’t feel as tight anymore and words came more easily to you. At least until Steve let go of the frame and wrapped it around your shoulder instead.

“You need a ride home?”

“Yeah, that would be lovely, thank you,” you answered without thinking twice about whether you and Vickie would be going home together. All you could think about right now was his hand, that was currently grazing your arm gently with his blunt fingertips, giving the subtlest scratch.

“Okay.”

He felt so close. So goddamn close. You could feel his breath on your neck, the press on your thigh heavier and you closed your eyes for a moment, facing forward still.

“Would be a little cliché if we kissed now, huh?” he murmured softly, daring to use his hand to pull you against him a little.

“So cliché,” you agreed, your brain working hard to grasp at every word to give it some meaning.

“And you don’t like clichés.” It was a statement, not a question.

“No. Doesn’t matter though,” you responded weakly, unable to come up with a better retort.

“Because?”

“Who says I’ll let you kiss me?”

Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot. You were close to psychically groaning when yet again, he managed to surprise you with a soft laugh. How you had managed to not fuck this up yet with your responses was a miracle to you.

“Who says I was gonna make the first move?”

“Too cliché?” you asked.

“Maybe. Or maybe I’m just nervous. Come on.”

Without you realizing, you had arrived at the bottom again and it was time to get out. He held out his hand to help you out of the wobbly cart and didn’t let go once you were back on the grass, a few feet away from the ferris wheel exit. For a moment, you just stood there and watched as several booths turned off their lights until Steve squeezed your hand gently.

“To the car?” he suggested, his glance at you a slightly nervous one. He had been serious about feeling nervous, then. You nodded and gave him a soft smile and returned a squeeze to his hand. All the way to his car, your hands never let go and you even managed some casual conversation, such as Steve mentioning the pink bear he had spotted with Robin earlier that evening.

“Oh, Vickie would love that,” you said. “I hope they managed to get it.”

“Hope so too,” Steve agreed. “Still happy you went for your weird mushroom?”

“Absolutely. It’s the best combination of weird and cute. Plus, I like purple.”

“That’s good, I’m glad.”

Steve opened the passenger’s side for you first before joining you in the car behind the wheel. He drove off slowly as many people left the fair on foot and didn’t exactly pay attention to whether they were about to be hit by a car or not. You already missed his hand holding yours. Apart from listening to the tape Steve had put on, not much happened during the ride. You talked a bit about other funny encounters in the haunted house and he shook his head, remembering his own fright.

“Can’t believe you jumped in front of me.”

“Can’t believe I actually scared you.”

“That’s what jumpscares are supposed to do, isn’t it? You literally jumped and scared me,” he pointed out. You giggled, again reliving the moment and he groaned.

“You’re enjoying this so much.”

“Come on. It was funny.”

“If you’re evil maybe.”

“I’m evil now?”

“A little.”

“Hm. So what would make me a whole lot evil?”

Steve mulled it over for a moment, stopping the car in front of your home in the meantime. Eventually, he shrugged.

“I don’t know, man. I’ll let you know when you do, how about that?”

You chuckled.

“Alright.”

Glancing at your front porch, you sighed softly. Yet another night had come to its end and this time, you really didn’t feel like leaving the car. Steve leaned forward a little to block your view.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked curiously.

“Time.”

“Time?”

“Yup, time. Goes by too fast,” you sighed and he smiled and nodded to show he agreed with you.

“Sure does.” He rested his head against the headrest sideways so he could look at you, his index finger tapping the back of your hand gently like he had done earlier this evening.

“You looked really pretty tonight. Red suits you well.”

Oh how grateful you were for the dim light surrounding you, because you were definitely, definitely blushing now.

“Oh— thanks.”

A professional at taking in compliments, you were definitely not. Steve smiled and you watched how his eyes lowered to your lips for a moment as he wet his own with his tongue. You swallowed. You felt his hand trail upwards from yours all the way up to your shoulder, only to then cup your cheek gently.

“Would be cliché, huh,” he murmured softly.

“So cliché,” you agreed once more.

A smile crept onto his lips and he leaned back, leaving you a little confused. Yet, you didn’t dare say anything, not even when he drove off again and parked around the corner.

“Better,” he concluded. “Doubt you’ve ever had a guy nearly kiss you only to then drive his car around the corner to actually do it, and even explain the whole ordeal to you,” he added, fighting a grin that broke through regardless. You giggled and shook your head, gently biting down on your bottom lip.

“Never. Now kiss me,” you sighed impatiently, unbuckling your seatbelt as you did. Steve didn’t waste a second to cup your face again and smirked when he felt you undo his seatbelt as well.

“Thought you’d never ask. Or… demand, more like.”

“Steve.”

Another giggle, this time it was him.

“Okay, okay.”

His lips found yours easily, pressing closer the moment the first touch was initiated. Lips parted and tongues slipped past, earning you both a kiss you had longed for longer than either of you was willing to admit. A kiss that just felt right. A kiss where thoughts didn’t matter, overthinking didn’t exist and the feeling only grew stronger as you went on. The soft sounds escaping your lips were reciprocated by some of his as you both worked hard to be as close as possible with the nuisance of being in a car. He hummed pleasantly as your hand tugged gently on his hair as you combed through it, kissing you a bit more demanding. His hand rested on your waist now, thumb stroking your shirt gently wherever it could reach. When you finally parted, your dazed state soon turned into laughter when you realized your lipstick had traveled all across both your faces.

“Red suits you too,” you told him sweetly. Steve smiled and couldn’t resist another peck on your lips, which inadvertently resulted into another make out session. Maybe, just maybe, you liked Steve Harrington quite a bit after all. Lucky for you, he liked you too.

- FIN

Masterlist

#steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x fem!reader #stranger things fanfics

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tachiguin · 18 days

Note

If you were Kafka, what would you change in BSD

Sorry, this question has been sitting in my inbox for a very long time. I think it’s kinda hard for me to answer this question, because to a certain degree I’m tempted to say “I wouldn’t change anything at all”. Like, for all that I criticize media like Bungou Stray Dogs for various things, I also think that the media we consume shouldn’t be required to be so perfect that there’s nothing to criticize. If anything, criticism is a major part of what drives discussion in fandoms. Moreover, as much as I may feel “Kafka Asagiri shouldn’t have done X”, I’m not really inclined to want to change X about the series? Maybe it’s just because I approach it from the mindset of a reader, not an author, but I think that its OK for me to disapprove of certain aspects of a series, and still not want anything to change about it. Like, if I was given full control to change anything I wanted, it probably wouldn’t be the same Bungou Stray Dogs at all, starting with Mushitarou’s awful hairstyle, BTW. Honestly I might just kill the guy off if it was up to me, I don’t really like looking at his face……. but I digress!

Having said that, I still do think certain aspects of the series could be changed to better appeal to myself. But again, I don’t want anyone to think that my opinion is more “correct” than what Kafka Asagiri himself decided for the series. This is literally just my personal thoughts on the matter, just like how if it was up to me Oguri Mushitarou and his slimy hair would not exist in Bungou Stray Dogs, even though, objectively, he’s fine and well written and nothing really needs to change about him, except I really want him to sue his plastic surgeon, and his hairdresser, like hello? Way to make a guy look unrecognizable, I guess.

Sorry, I’ll stop trashing on poor Mushitarou. I’m serious though.

The two major changes I’d make are the role of female characters in the series, and also the way that the concepts of self-sacrifice and “honorable suicide” are presented. I think these aspects are the biggest gripes I have with the story, but I also think that, especially in regards to the latter, the series wouldn’t necessarily be the same, or even “better”, if it was changed.

I’ve never really made a post going in depth about how I feel in regards to BSD’s female cast, but I’ve mentioned before that I think the fandom really underrates most, if not all, women in Bungou Stray Dogs. But in retrospect, I can’t really blame it all on the fandom’s general misogyny; the way that Asagiri portrays women in his story doesn’t really do anything to discourage the lack of appreciation for his female cast. The thing is that she’s almost always the side chick. She’s an accessory to hang off of his arm. She’s motivated solely by him, whether that be his goals, or just because she—and it’s never really explained why—is deeply and hopelessly in love with him. Who is this “she”? Who am I talking about, in particular? Literally every female character, barring maybe Yosano, might fit the descriptions I gave above. That’s how bad Kafka Asagiri is at giving his female characters agency.

It’s okay to have a character with a plotline that’s intertwined with another character. It’s okay to have a character that’s motivated by external forces. It’s okay to have a supporting character who doesn’t really do much except move the plot forward. It’s starts to become annoying when all of these characters are women, while their male counterparts get the better end of the deal.

Sometimes I hear people say that Kafka Asagiri is good at writing women, and I think, in response, that shounen anime has truly brought our standards down, six feet under the dirt where every interesting female character to exist in animanga is buried. Yes… Asagiri doesn’t shy away from writing female characters who can fight, and even, gasp! Fight well, but this is literally the bare minimum, especially for a magical setting that takes place in the modern age. Asagiri can create female characters with interesting traits and a lot of potential, then subsequently assign all of her traits to serve a male character’s narrative, while actively sabotaging any potential she had by utilizing her as a plot device.

And maybe I would be less annoyed if it went both ways. Kyouka has saved Atsushi quite a handful of times, why doesn’t he worship the ground she walks on and dedicate his entire life to helping her fulfill her goals? Actually, on this topic, the reason why is because Kyouka doesn’t have any substantial goals outside of being Atsushi’s sidekick for life. Now, I absolutely adore Kyouka and Atsushi’s relationship, found family is still my favorite troupe ever, but it’s noticeable that while Atsushi’s search for self-esteem and a so-called “reason to live” is the literal narrative core of the series, Kyouka, who had found herself struggling with a similar internal conflict, is by comparison, almost never explored further. When was the last time the story checked back up on Lucy, and how she’s feeling? Yeah, she’s in a better place now, but isn’t she still haunted by her years at the orphanage, under the Guild’s thumb, being treated like a pawn on the chessboard, just as so many male characters have been shown to feel in wake of their own traumatic experiences? Doesn’t she struggle to find a new purpose in life, now that she’s no longer stuck doing someone else’s bidding just to survive?

We only ever see a brief glimpse into the thoughts and feelings of BSD’s female cast, before the door slams shut, and they’re relegated to some background role where it doesn’t really matter how she feels, she just wants to help the guy who saved her life, that’s all we really need to know before we can start advancing the plot again. Well, I want to know more.

It would also be great to have more female characters who are motivated by something other than her desire to help or hurt another—oftentimes male—character. How come he’s allowed to delusionally seek world domination, and she isn’t? How come he’s allowed to desperately want to save everyone in spite of a cruel reality, and she isn’t? How come he’s allowed to be motivated almost solely by his selfish need for the validation of another, and she isn’t?

Which brings me to another avenue to consider: characters like Akutagawa and Rampo are shown to be fanatically devoted to another character, to the point that Dazai or Fukuzawa could say “Jump,” and they’d be in the air even before asking “How high?”. But here’s the thing: Akutagawa’s devotion is entirely self-centric, and it’s examined as such. He doesn’t selflessly want to help Dazai, no questions asked, he craves the peace of mind that Dazai’s affirmation would bring about, and consequently does anything he can to gain that validation. Not only that, but it’s portrayed as unhealthy and a problem when Akutagawa blindly does whatever Dazai asks of him, but somehow, this doesn’t apply to Louisa and Fitzgerald, Teruko and Fukuchi? Hmmmmmm!

Simply put, there’s a double standard here, and I’d like it to change, because BSD really does have a female cast with a lot of potential, if only Asagiri cared to utilize it.

***

In regards to Thing I'd Want To Change #2, I remember tag-dumping about this awhile back, but it somewhat bothers me that in order to pass the Detective Agency’s entrance exam, Atsushi and Kyouka were required to put their lives on the line to save another (even though, in Atsushi’s case, it was all staged). This might not have been a problem for me if the Detective Agency weren’t the good guys in this—or even if it was emphasized in some other manner that it’s OK to save yourself first, like c’mon, that’s just common sense, they teach you such in elementary school during a fire drill. But unfortunately, not only was Kyouka’s feelings on the matter never expanded on, Atsushi continues to believe that he needs to save people to deserve to live.

However, I do think that there’s still room for development here. Bungou Stray Dogs is not a completed work, so who’s to say that Atsushi won’t have a different outlook on life by the final chapter? Moreover, I think that in the situation where Atsushi first reached this conclusion (on the subway with Yosano and Kaji), Atsushi was probably in a worse mindset prior. For him, he felt that he wanted to live, but that he didn’t deserve to, so therefore, in order to justify his own existence, he grasped a “reason to live”, a motivation to not simply give up and perish right then and there, alongside a train full of innocent people. It was a very “in the moment” kind of thing, that would serve as a foundation for later developments. Again, I think it’s fine that this is his way of thinking now, but someone genuinely needs to tell this boy that it’s not a matter of “reasons” or whether he deserves to or not, living is just something we do without really thinking about it, so its okay if that he lives in that kind of unapologetic manner.

Still, the Detective Agency’s exam is kind of harsh, yet I don’t think it’s necessarily something I would do away with completely, as much as I would reframe it to better fit the message I would want to send. The thing is that working at a superpowered organization that regularly gets into scuffles with the local mafia is in no way safe, and your life insurance probably won’t cover it when you get magically killed and dumped in the river. So it is understandable if a minimum requirement for becoming a member is that you’re okay with getting caught in life or death situations on a semi-frequent basis. It may also be a desired trait that you’d be willing to rescue civilian lives at little benefit to yourself, though not necessarily always in the context of self-sacrifice. Sure, it’s a crazy way of interviewing for these attributes, but it’s not like people don’t lie on their resume, and also, the Detective Agency was established early on to be full of crazy people. You must be this bugfuck insane to join, if you fail the vibe check you die, sorry!

In all seriousness, I think the concept of living, and in particular, having a reason to live, are a major part of Bungou Stray Dog’s themes, and changing it to suit my own opinions better would probably drastically uproot whatever message Asagiri wanted to send, whatever feelings and opinions of his own that he injected into the characters of Atsushi, Dazai, Kyouka, and the like. Even if I myself do not fully agree with the narrative, I still think its okay to have media that tells a different feeling, shares a different experience, and presents a different opinion.

Anyway, this got really long, sorry I was too lazy to include many embedded pictures to break up the text walls. If you read this far to the end then I appreciate and love you dearly, hopefully I made some degree of sense and didn’t just sound like I was rambling out of my ass.

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #dazai osamu #nakajima atsushi #akutagawa ryuunosuke #izumi kyouka #lucy m #bsd women #bsd meta #bsd analysis #anonymous #answered

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vmartist · 9 months

Text

Adrien Agreste/Cat Noir x Male Reader:

• the loneliest time •

(Just some quick notes before I continue: This is a college au so everyone is much older than portrayed in the show. You are also a superhero but I won’t be going into specifics as it’s not important and I don’t want to bloat the story more. And this one-shot is based on the song, The Loneliest Time, by Carly Rae Jepson. Basically it’s your song to Adrien’s Careless Whisper😍. (Jokes aside, enjoy!)

Tonight was a patrol night with Ladybug and Cat Noir. You wait on your usual meeting spot, sitting on the edge as you swing your legs back and forth. Soon after you receive a text from them both in the superhero group chat.

Ladybug:Sorry, can’t patrol today but good luck you two!

Cat Noir:Same here, sorry!

You sigh before realizing you forgot about the presentation you had to finish tonight with Adrien. You quickly make your way to his house before de-transforming. When you look at your phone you see several missed calls from him. In a pant you quickly call back. He picks up immediately. “Did you decide to run a marathon before picking up?” He teased.

“Shut up! I’m outside…hurry up and let me in so we can finish our work…” You grumble before hanging up. Soon after Adrien opens the gates for you and leads you to his room.

“You can sit anywhere while I bring my laptop out.” He says while walking over to his school bag. His room looks immaculate, it’s a perfect reflection of him. You decide to take a seat on the couch in front of his giant plasma screen T.V.

“How come you didn’t answer my calls?” He questions while setting his laptop down on the coffee table in front of you both.

“My phone was on silent and I completely forgot until I checked it…” You reply. He squints his eyes at you but takes your answer anyway.

The night goes by smoothly as you both work on the presentation together. Throughout the night you could feel Adrien’s eyes on you but chose to ignore them.

“Did you want something more comfortable?” He asks pointing at your outfit. You look down and notice your still in your clothes from this morning since you didn’t have time to change. “I have some spare clothes you can try? I have a ton of sleep wear from this campaign I did a couple weeks ago…I’ve got a couple sizes just in case.”

“Oh…sure why the hell not? But, are you saying you want me to stay the night?” You ask in a chuckle. He turns around from digging in his closet with a small smirk. “And let you go this late at night? No thanks, you’re safer here.”

He lays out a couple bundles of clothes in front of you. “I chose some based on what you already wear. You can use my personal bathroom over there when you’re ready to change.” He says while pointing behind him.

You nod your head and smile. “Thanks, Adrien.” He hums back in acknowledgement and walks over to the couch and shuts both of the laptops down. You enter the bathroom and get changed. ‘Wow…the material on this feels so nice! Is this what clouds feel like?’ You think to yourself as you rub the clothes between your fingers.

You exit shortly after with your dirty clothes in your arms. “Where did you want me to put these?” He turns to you from the couch. “You can go ahead and put it down there with my other dirty laundry. I’ll have it cleaned and dried.”

The thought of leaving your clothes behind is a bit uncomfortable but even more so considering that you’re not leaving it with just anyone but, the Adrien Agreste….He notices your lost in thought and shifting in place nervously.

“Don’t worry, it’s okay I’m not gonna judge you or anything. Just come over here and relax.” He pats the side beside him. You quickly put the clothes down and sit next to him. “I don’t want you to treat me any differently than you would other people. I already get that treatment from everyone else in my life…” He mutters.

“I’m sorry…I guess I’m worried about disappointing you? As weird as that sounds…” His eyes light up and he shakes his head.

“No I know what you mean.” His eyes watch you for a second before he places a hand on your shoulder.

“You look tense…is something wrong?” He asks while tilting his head at you. You avert your gaze and bite your lip. Your mind is swirling with everything that’s been going on in your life. And there really isn’t anyone who can understand what you’re going through…

“Do you ever feel like…there’s so much pressure on you? Keeping secrets and feeling like you have to hide who you really are?” You ask while leaning into the couch.

“Hah…if there’s anyone who knows that it’s me…” He sighs while leaning back as well. His hand hovers over your leg before returning to his side. “What are you hiding from people?” He questions in a murmur.

“Um…? Oh I just remembered…did you and Marinette ever…?” You ask.

“No.” He immediately replies. “After high school I think she and I were in separate mental spaces. But I heard she’s now dating Luka.”

“Luka? Like the guy that’s in our campus’s band?” Adrien nods with a grin. “Wow…He seems like her type.” You reply while crossing your arms.

“How about you?” He asks. “You seeing anyone?” You promptly shake your head.

“No….I’ve got too much going on right now to consider a relationship.” You respond in a mutter.

He chuckles dryly. “Same.”

There’s now a silence that’s replaced the conversation. It’s welcome as you two gaze outside his window. In the corner of your eye you notice his occasional gaze your way. You’d be lying if you said weren’t looking his way too.

“What’s your secret?” You ask suddenly.

“Oh!? Uhm…” Adrien swallows the lump in his throat. “It’s hard to describe…” Your eyes follow his face for an answer before you trail down to his wrist.

“Wait…is that the friendship bracelet I made for you in grade school?”

Adrien adjusts it and smiles at it fondly. “Yeah it is. I uh…well you were my first friend.”

You snicker and shake your head. “Honestly I thought you forgot about me. After your dad became a household name and all.”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. “You’re such a drama queen.” A stifled laugh slips past his lips.

You side eye him before grabbing a pillow and hitting him. “Takes one to know one!”

Within seconds this starts a small pillow fight. The room’s atmosphere of thick awkwardness is now replaced with laughter and joy. Eventually you find yourselves laying on the ground together, tangled in each other.

“I remember when we used to do this when we were younger…” Adrien whispered as he passed his thumb over your cheek. “What happened to…us? You stopped talking to me once we got into high-school.”

You pull away from him as your lips turned downward. “Listen, I stopped talking to a lot of people so don’t take it personal. I just had a lot going on.”

“Yeah you stop talking to your friends, big deal, but not you’re best friend. You know I hate secrets.”

You groan while rubbing your temples. “You were popular, I figured you’d find yourself a new best friend. I didn’t wanna bother you with my bull shit so I thought it’d be easier to distance myself.”

He wraps his arms around you as he lays his head on your shoulder. “I don’t mind your ‘bull shit’ but seriously…don’t just disappear again I want you here.” His grip tightens slightly.

“Adrien I’m not going anywhere…sorry.” You whisper.

“Sorry for what?” He whispers back in a teasing way.

“I’m not gonna say it now…” You say turning away from him. He pulls you back towards him as he nuzzles himself into your neck. “Aw come on, don’t be like that.”

“Can it Adrien…” You start to close your eyes when you hear Adrien gasp.

You sit up and gasp as well as you watch an akuma floating into Paris.

“Time to t—…I mean…time to use the bathroom! You mind if I use yours real quick?” You chuckle nervously.

“Go ahead…I also have to use the bathroom! I’m gonna use one of the one’s downstairs…” Adrien states before sprinting out of the room.

You quickly enter his bathroom and transform. “Wow he must’ve really had to pee…”

You swing into Paris and meet up with Ladybug and Cat Noir.

“Great now that we’re all here I can form a plan!” Ladybug exclaims while looking over at the akumatized victim.

After a quick fight, Ladybug fixes everything and you all fist bump.

“Pound it!” You all chant before going your separate ways.

However you notice that Cat Noir is going the same direction as you are…You jump through the bathroom window and before you can de-transform Cat Noir enters through the door and you freeze.

“What are you doing here!?” He shouts before gasping. “Wait…don’t tell me…”

You groan and place your palm on your forehead. “You must be Adrien then…am I right?”

He sighs before saying: “Claws in.”

You de-transform as well and avoid his eyes. “I…think it’s time I head home.” You exit the bathroom but before you can leave he grabs your arm.

“Wait! Where are you going?” He asks while tugging your arm towards him.

“Home. Where else, Adrien…or should I call you Cat Noir from now on?” You grumble before shaking him off you and walking out. Adrien watches you leave, hoping you turn around but you don’t.

The following weeks were a wreck. As Adrien he tried to talk to you. That was easy, you could walk away whenever you wanted. But as Cat Noir you had to be there. Ladybug started to notice the change and was quick to call it out.

“Okay, what is going on with you two? Is there something happening that I don’t know about?” She huffs.

“Nothing is wrong!” You exclaim. “Cat Noir here just can’t learn when to take a hint.” You mumble while gritting your teeth.

“Oh that’s rich coming from you! It’s easier for you to walk away from your problems isn’t it!” He shouts back.

Ladybug steps in between you both and furrows her brows. “Stop! The only way for this team to work is if we work together. What even caused all this anyway? I’m sure we can work it out right here.”

You scoff and turn around. “I do just fine because unlike, someone, I know how to push my feelings aside.”

Cat Noir balls his fist and begins shaking with anger. “Step aside M’Lady…” He mutters.

“Cat, what are you gonna do?” He pushes past her and swings on you.

You quickly block the hit and push him off. “Finally! This is what you wanted this whole time, right!?” You cackle.

“Stop it you two!” Ladybug tries to intervene but is knocked aside by you both.

“Stay out of it!” You both yell. He leaps on top of you and pins you down.

“Not so smug anymore are you!?” He shouts. You push your knee against him and kick him away. The fighting stops when you hear the flapping of butterfly wings.

The akuma lingers between you and Cat Noir. Ladybug reaches out to you two. “You guys have to calm down! I’m sure we can work this out!” The akuma flys into Cat Noir’s ring and you quickly run to him.

“C-Cat!? You were right, I should’ve talked to you! I was being an ass I know, but you know how I am…”

He’s gripping his head and shaking. “I won’t stoop to your level…I won’t take these powers and I won’t betray my friends!” He screams before rejecting the akuma.

Ladybug let’s out a sigh of relief before pulling the both of you up. “I’m not sure what happened and I don’t care. It’s none of my business, but will you both please work it out.”

You and Cat Noir look to each other and nod slowly. “Come on, Cat Noir.” You hold your hand out, he grabs it and you both head back to his house. After de-transforming you can see how puffy and red Adrien’s eyes are.

You both sit in his bathroom in silence, with the occasional sniffle coming from Adrien. “I can’t take a hint?”

“No that’s not what I…I’m sorry. I say stupid shit all the time…” You mumbled.

“You hurt me a lot, (Y/n)…more than anyone has. I’ll set my feelings aside for, Ladybug and that’s it. But, right now I can’t look you in the eyes and tell you I genuinely forgive you. Please, go away.” He whispers before walking to his bed and laying down.

Your eyes linger on him before you decide to leave him in peace. As you leave you feel your eyes well with tears. You wipe your face with your sleeve and walk home. The next day at school, Adrien was a completely different person. He’s isolated himself from everybody.

When he was Cat Noir he was kinda the same, still cracking puns occasionally but after the job was done he quickly fled. You always watched him leave, your heart ached watching him go.

“You gonna head home?” Ladybug asks as she swings her yo-yo.

“Not now…I’m gonna stay here for a bit.” You mutter. She nods before leaving you alone to your thoughts.

The moon sits above you as the stars dance around in the sky. Tears fall down your cheeks as you watch the moon fall and the sun sets. The orange and pink light, colors the horizon. The sun slowly rises before you decide it’s time to head home. You lay your head against your bed and sob quietly thinking about the mess you’ve made.

———————————-

This was more angsty than I had intended but there will be a second part. Apologies for any spelling errors in advance, I barely edited. Anyway, hope you enjoyed<3

#mlm #gay #miraculous adrien #adrien agreste #male reader #angst #chat noir #cat noir #mlb #fluff #angst and fluff #mostly angst #male reader insert #cat noir x male reader #adrien agreste x male reader

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