#I am. so exhausted. mental physically and creatively

[password-door-lock]

You don't even ask. You're good at not even asking by now— it's second nature, after so many months in this strange place, to just accept things as they come to you. Which is to say that when Unknown throws himself into your bed and throws his arm around you, embracing you sloppily as you lay there on your stomach, you don't breathe a word to him about it. You've got questions, of course— you get the feeling that anybody would end up with those in a situation like this.

For starters, did he just abandon his work to come and lay with you? How did he know that he would find you in his perpetually vacant bedroom? Did he spend an hour looking around Magenta for you, only to discover you here? Or is this not about you at all? Does Unknown even know that you're beside him right now? Has he taken the elixir of salvation? Is he just embracing you for the sake of embracing you? Or is he simply exhausted, too tired to check the bed for another body before collapsing on top of the sheets?

But then again, you know that asking would be futile. For one thing, Unknown is almost definitely already asleep. You've never heard his breathing so even, and you've drifted off with him enough times to know exactly what he's like when he's tired. You don't know much about the world, it's true, but you like to think you know a lot about your boss. After all, your entire job is looking after him, right? So wouldn't it follow that you'd know how to do that job? But whatever. You'll digress, because for another thing,  you're glad that Unknown is here. 

You're glad that you don't have to fall asleep alone. The fact is that you've been laying awake in the dark for no reason, waiting up for him as you try your hardest to drift off. The fact is that now that you've got his arm around you, his protection, the smell of him surrounding you, you feel a lot better and a lot healthier and a lot readier to drift off. The fact is that nothing is what it seems when you're beside this man, and you know that, but sometimes, for your own peace of mind, you simply refuse to accept it. The fact is that he's everything, and you'll keep repeating that a million times over, or a billion times over— the fact is that you love him.

But that's just one more thing that you can never say to Unknown. You don't need him to tell you that he wouldn't take it well, that you're better off just keeping your feelings to yourself, just like you hang onto everything else. “I love you,” you whisper anyway, knowing that you're better off not saying it.

Unknown does not respond. You get the feeling that this is only because he is asleep— otherwise, you're fairly certain that he would be making fun of you like nobody's business. You suppose you wouldn't really be able to blame him for that.

You imagine him kissing you behind the ear. You imagine him pulling you closer. You imagine that even if he knew what you were telling him, even if he were fully present, he would have something sweet and relevant to say about it. You tell yourself that it's just you and Unknown against the world— because it is, because it so is, because Savior be damned, the world revolves around this man— and that everything is going to be okay. You're not sure if you believe that most of the time— when you're sitting on his lap staring at the screen, all you can really see is the pain that he is causing. The pain that this man is causing, this man that you love. And god, and fuck, you love him, you love him, you love him, you love him.

Your heart beats in that rhythm as you continue loving him silently, alone inside your head, even as you embrace him, and it truly does feel as though everything will be okay. You know you're probably wrong, but the scary thing is that you don't really care whether you're correct or not. Somebody could write a dissertation about these heavy, heavy feelings of yours, you suppose, but it's not going to be you— not as you pull Unknown close, not as you nuzzle your face into his neck, not as you love him, silently and intimately and privately and with everything you've got. Holy fucking shit.

#I am. so exhausted. mental physically and creatively #And yet I cannot stop thinking about this man #par for the course I guess #mystic messenger #mystic messenger drabble #choi saeran #saeran choi #unknown mystic messenger

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

#oh and if anyone knows where i can stream mob wives uncensored without paying any extra money i'd love you forever lol #that is unimportant- unless y'all find it important that i have access to all of my most influential pieces of media at all times IJSAYING! #jk jk ofc <3 thank you for reading #conspiracy in emerson #if cie #progress #cie ch 3

[honeytonedhottie]

notes on "awakened imagination" by neville goddard୭ 🧷 ✧ ˚. ᵎᵎ 🎀

notes from neville's book "awakened imagination" and important take-aways to digest.

imagination is the very gateway of reality

an assumption, though false, if persisted in will harden into a fact

the outer world is all projections of the inner world and imagination

it is a marvelous thing to find that you can imagine yourself into the state of your fulfilled desire and escape from the jails which ignorance built

reality lies WITHIN u not without

what a comfort it is to know that all that i experience is the result of my own standard of beliefs; that I am the center of my own web of circumstances and that as i change, so must my outer world!

the world will present different appearances accordingly as our state of consciousness differs

what we see when we are identified with a state cannot be seen when we are no longer fused with it

(state=all that someone believes and consents to be true)

no idea presented to the mind can realize itself unless the mind accepts it

HEAVY emphasis on the state from which someone views the world as they fall asleep

vision → being, thinking of → thinking from (think from the end) thinking from the end is creative living, inability to think from the end is bondage

there are infinite states of consciousness from which someone can view the world ANALOGY : its like a closet, so many different clothes (states of being/realities) and which one will u live in today?

EVERYTHING IS CREATED THRU UR MIND SO ONCE DETERMINE AND CONTROL THE END FROM WHICH U THINK, UR 3D WILL FOLLOW

construct mentally a drama which implies that your desire is realized and make it one which involves movement of self. immobilize your outer physical self. act precisely as though you were going to take a nap, and start the predetermined action in imagination.

a vivid representation of the action is the beginning of that action. then, as you are falling asleep, consciously imagine yourself into the scene. the length of the sleep is not important, a short nap is sufficient, but carrying the action into sleep thickens fancy into fact.

at first your thoughts may be like rambling sheep that have no shepherd. don't despair. should your attention stray seventy times seven, bring it back seventy times seven to its predetermined course until from sheer exhaustion it follows the appointed path. the inner journey must never be without direction. when you take to the inner road, it is to do what you did mentally before you started. you go for the prize you have already seen and accepted.

the more u practice being conscious of ur thoughts the better that you'll become.

#law of assumption #it girl #self care #advice #it girl energy #that girl #self love #becoming that girl #manifesting #self concept

[inkskinned]

i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.

i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.

the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.

i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.

i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.

as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?

what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.

i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.

i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.

it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.

#spilled ink #warm up #is this clear? #i have chronic pain & illnesses which i will not be discussing on this blog #and i will say that the way i'm treated about those is often just as bad #but since i don't have the room to give it justice on this post #it's ... about that weird sensation of... #''oh this is a real thing that actually hurts people'' #when u have spent ur life in pain and being told that pain isn't real #feeling like you are '''allowed''' to finally ACTUALLY feel pain #that sense -- oh thank god it's actually bad #idk maybe im a bad person #but sometimes i do like to write about. the actual symptoms of mental illness #and sometimes the Illnesses Do Make Me Think Bad Thoughts #so if this is weird just tell me i'll bring it up w/my therapist ig

[writingquestionsanswered]

i’m not sure if this is something you can help with but i wondered if you had any advice for me,

basically whenever i try to write recently, i get somewhere between 50 to 1000 words in (which really isnt much by my standards) before i start to get extremely tired? i’m not sure why, and i am struggling to write because i just get exhausted instantly

Becoming Exhausted When Writing

It's really not uncommon for writers to experience physical exhaustion when writing--sometimes after only a short period of time. Here are some of the reasons this happens and some tips for how to deal with it. :)

1 - Mental Exhaustion = Physical Exhaustion - The brain is an organ, not a muscle, but it behaves a lot like a muscle in that it gets stronger with "exercise" and can become fatigued with overuse. Writing is kind of like doing a cardio session for your brain. The creative load requires your brain to work really hard and expend a lot of energy, so the bigger that creative load, the faster you're going to feel tired. If you think of unwritten stories as untamed jungles, some writers can be plunked into the middle of the thick vegetation, without a map or resources, and machete a straight path back to civilization. Many of us can't do that, though. We machete circles through the jungle, lost and bewildered, hungry and dehydrated, exhausted and mosquito-bitten--and that's exhausting. So, if you find yourself becoming quickly exhausted when you sit down to write, it's worth considering how much of a creative load you're putting on your brain. If it's not an issue of what to write and where the story is going, something else is going on. For example, if you've had a taxing brain day before you even sit down to write, your remaining energy will vanish fast. But, if you find yourself wandering in circles through your story, you may just need to do some better planning. Having a "map" through your story and heading into the story jungle with resources ready can make a big difference.

2 - Actual Physical Exhaustion - Sometimes the problem isn't with our brains but with our bodies. Lack of sleep, health issues, busy days, mild dehydration, and life stress are all things that can contribute to physical exhaustion that makes us feel sleepy when we write. Some solutions: make sure you get enough sleep or try taking a power nap before you write. Exercise or taking a walk before you write can give you an energy boost, too. Drink some water, coffee, or an energizing smoothie before you write. If you're under life stress, try meditating or taking a refreshing shower before you write.

3 - Creative Stress - Millions of years of evolution have led our brains to be wired to avoid things that are stressful because they might be dangerous. Originally, this was to help us stay physically safe. If you knew there might be lions down a particular path, the thought of going down that path would be stressful, so your brain would say, "Nope, don't go that way." It works the same way with writing. If writing feels stressful to you--maybe because you're not sure what to write or are giving yourself a hard time about not making word counts or deadlines--your brain perceives writing as a threat and says, "Nope, don't go that way." This causes your "fight or flight" response to kick in when you start writing. That might manifest as your inner critic, distracting yourself, or experiencing writer's block. Pushing forward anyway can create even more stress, and that's when you start to feel exhausted. The best way to deal with this is to make writing as stress-free as you possibly can so your brain doesn't perceive it as a threat. Make sure you know where your story is going and what you need to write during each writing session, whether that means just thinking about it ahead of time or planning it out. Don't give yourself a hard time for not meeting word counts or deadlines, and don't even strive toward those (unless you have to) if they cause you undue stress. Instead, try setting small, attainable goals and reward yourself for reaching them. For example, instead of trying trying to hit a particular word count, try to write for ten minutes each day. If that's not a problem, go for twenty and so on. Set your goal just a few minutes above what you know you can hit. Then, raise it accordingly. Also, try setting up a writing routine and making sure you have a comfortable, inviting place to write if possible. Taking a walk, shower, or meditating before you write can help here, too.

I hope that helps! ♥

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

Learn more about WQA

Visit my Master List of Top Posts

Go to ko-fi.com/wqa to buy me coffee or see my commissions

#writing tips #writing help #writing advice #wqaadvice

[readychilledwine]

Hi girl!! I don't know how to say this, but I love your writing and your sooo creative. I just wanted to say, im giving birth in a couple of weeks and it just hit me that I'm going to have a KID, LIKE WTH??? I did my research so there's nothing to worry about and I'm financially stable, its just, WEIRD??? I'm going to pop a baby out??please give some advice bc my hubby seems really cool about it and I'm just WHAT??😭

Trigger warnings- baby, mom life, and labor talk. Super long post 💕

✨️Congratulations to both of you and welcome to the hot moms club✨️

I went through an induction that turned into an emergency c section, so keep that in mind when reading my advice since I am not sure what form of labor you are opting for.

During Labor/Your hospital stay:

Bring a comfort idea to the hospital for before "active" labor and after. I brought my own pillow, and that made a world of difference. It was nice having something so familiar afterwards.

Don't eat anything you don't want to risk coming back up. Some hospitals will allow you to eat. Try to stick to the ice, juice, jello, or pudding. Italian shaved ice was also an option for me. And do bring snackies for after. You deserve it.

Don't panic if your birth plan does not turn out to be how birthing goes. I had planned on natural labor, no pain medication. I went in to be induced at 9pm December 13, by 2am I was in a lot of pain, by 7am I had an epidural.

Not to scare you, but the epidural can cause a few different reactions. Don't let that stop you from getting it. You HAVE to allow yourself to be as comfortable as possible, and your birth team will handle whatever curves are thrown their way.

If you are physically able to, do golden hour. In case it is called something different for you, golden hour is a full hour where the nursing staff leaves you and baby alone for skin to skin and nursing time. Tell your man I'm sorry, but he can wait. That hour is essential for building breastmilk supply if you're going to be EBF or EP. He can have baby after.

And let him have baby after. Daddy needs his own hour where baby is getting skin to skin with him.

It's going to be hard, but try not be mad if baby daddy sleeps after labor. He's going to have spent the last how ever long you were in labor in a heightened state of fight or flight because the woman he loves is in pain and there is nothing he can do for you. It's painful and all the exhausting for us. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting for them.

Do not (under any circumstances) let them force you into handling feedings one way or the other. Fed is best. Period.

Do not allow them to force you to have a nurse who makes you uncomfortable in any way. I know it's hard, but if a nurse is making you feel like you aren't doing enough, aren't listening to them, are making a wrong choice, ASK FOR A NEW NURSE. They should be supporting you.

If you're at a hospital where mom and baby sleep in one room, don't hesitate to say yes if a nurse asks if you want baby to go to nursery for a little bit. You both will need sleep. You deserve sleep. That nap will be precious. Trust me.

For home:

During bathing, try a swaddle method. It uses two towels, but it helps baby feel safe and secure. Here's a little link to an article about them

Take. Time. With. No. Visitors. You and baby daddy deserve time to adapt to your LO. It's a totally different ball game. We had 2 weeks alone. 2 weeks with just our parents. 2 weeks with our siblings. Then we opened the house to visitors who messaged us first.

Establish boundaries from jump. I made a post about on SM with a picture of our boundaries. Baby daddy enforced it.

Enjoy those 2am cuddles. They go away so fast 🥺

If you do not mentally feel okay, tell people you trust. Immediately. PPD/PPA can quickly become postpartum psychosis when left untreated.

Remember you're gorgeous. Even if you don't feel that way. You literally grew a human. It is the most selfless thing you could do for your family, and in my opinion, the closest thing to magic.

Remember to be kind to yourself and baby daddy. You're both learning. It's hard. So hard.

Never feel guilty for a few minutes of screen time. Sophia gets about 30 minutes a week spread out throughout the week. Ms. Rachel is a great help.

From my baby daddy to yours

Get her the food she's been craving that she "can't have" which also meant you couldn't have it for her first post labor meal. Lizzy wanted sushi. Baby momma got her sushi.

Take pictures of her with your kid. Constantly without her knowing. Those pictures will get you through the work day.

Get up with her at night. We helped make the baby. We help with the baby.

No yelling. No fighting. I said one thing to Lizzy I regret deeply, and I don't know if she's genuinely forgiven me for it. This is hard on your baby momma. If she needs to vent. Let her. Don't fight her. Just get her down for a nap, man. That's all you can do sometimes.

Never tell her to sleep when the munchkin sleeps. That statement is the most unhelpful thing anyone said to Lizzy. Tell her instead to lay down and try to get some sleep, and you will listen for crying. She needs the comfort of knowing someone else is there.

Don't allow anyone to shame her for anything. I learned I will throw hands over someone shaming Lizzy. Luckily, it was with my brother. We're good now.

Make sure she gets to shower every day.

Love her. Love her and look out for any signs of her not being okay. Lizzy's was staring off into nothing and crying way too much.

Make sure you schedule time for both of you to get away and let her enjoy said time.

Skin to skin. Daily.

Lastly, get her a pump if she's breastfeeding. Trust me. It will help build supply, and it allows you to feed the little one.

If you two need ANYTHING, message me. I don't have all the answers, but I might have advice. 💕

Here's a few products we love for Sophia, too. Some of them are pricy. We apologize.

Dreamland weighted Swaddle

Diaper cream spatula

Calmoseptine Ointment

Bums and Roses - softest pj's ever and you can get matching ones.

Momcozy nail file

Lizzy's favorite stationary pump*

Lizzys favorite on the go/work pump*

The bottles baby daddy uses to feed Sophia sometimes

*check to see if insurance will help*

Overall, just enjoy your time together and your sweet little baby.💕💕

Ps- thank you for the compliments! I was so excited to give advice I almost brushed over them 🥺

#ms rachel #elizabeths.updates #send asks #send anons #mom life #elizabeths.babydaddy

[stingraywipe]

Hey! Here's a little thing I wrote for @sincerely-sofie 's The Present is a Gift AU with her characters Twig and Kip. I wanted to get it out sooner, but alas life happened and I was unable to work on it as much as a wanted to. This is also the first time I've done any sort of creative writing in years, so hopefully it isn't too bad. Anyways, here it is! I hope you like it :)

The Sunrise

It was dawn when Kip woke up. It was rather early and he was still tired, but he rolled out of bed to go check on Twig. He knew she probably wanted her space, but he couldn’t help worrying about her more than usual after the previous few days’ events. He yawned and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, then quietly cracked open the door of Twig’s room. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that she wasn’t there. He rubbed his eyes again to make sure he was seeing right. Yup. Twig wasn’t there. Feeling panic begin to set in, Kip took a moment to breath and recollect himself.

“Calm down, there’s NO need to be freaking out about this,” he thought. “Twig likes going on walks when she needs to clear her head, or if she wants to be alone to think on something. She’s probably just doing that. She’s been through a ton the past few days, so it makes sense that she would want to do that. She’ll probably be back here soon.”

Despite knowing that, Kip decided to make a quick check outside anyway. He was already pretty awake after the initial shock of Twig’s absence, and taking a look couldn’t hurt. Maybe he could watch the sunrise while he was out there. He hadn’t done that in a while, and it would be a good way to unwind for a bit after the stress of the past week.

Apparently Twig had the same idea, because she was already sitting near the edge of the cliff looking off into the distance. She was visibly ok, and even seemed less tense than she had been recently. Despite this, Kip felt the need to make sure she was actually fine. He knew too well how Twig feels the need to hide anything that ails her from everyone no matter how serious it is, so it was going to take more than just visual evidence to convince him.

“How’ve you been holding up?” Kip asked as he approached. Twig jumped a little and spun her head around, relaxing again once she realized it was just him.

“Jeez dude, you scared me! Did you have to sneak up on me like that?”

“Oh no, I didn’t mean to startle you!” Kip responded. He hurried over to where Twig was and sat down next to her. “I just wanted to check up on how you were doing. I saw you weren’t in you room and I-”

Twig cut him off. “Relax man, I’m just giving you a hard time.” She gave him a playful punch to the arm. “And, umm. I’ve definitely been better. I think I’ve cried more than enough for an entire lifetime over the past few days. Maybe even two lifetimes. I didn’t even know fire types were capable of producing that much water.”

Kip chuckled at that. “Yeah, but it needed to happen, you know. That’s what you get for being silly and stupid and somehow convincing yourself that none of us like you.”

Twig sighed. “I know, I know, you’re right. It doesn’t mean I have to like it though. It’s physically AND mentally exhausting.”

“I feel you there. I feel worn out, and I haven’t cried anywhere near as much as you!”

“Yup. I totally have you beat.”

Kip gave her a baffled look. “Are you seriously bragging about how you’ve cried more than me?”

“I sure am. I gotta take my wins when I can get ‘em.”

He burst out laughing at that. “Well, if your jokes are anything to go off of, I’d say you’re holding up pretty well. Seems to me like the funny Twig I know and love is finally starting to come back. I guess I was worried about nothing.”

Twig shrugged. “I guess.” 

Neither one of them said anything else for a while. They sat in silence and watched the sun slowly climb higher on the horizon. It was one of the sunrises with lots of pink mixed in with the oranges and yellows; the kind that Twig loved the most. The sea below them glistened like gemstones, with rolling waves that shimmered in the bright light. Kip had almost forgotten how beautiful the sunrise was at Sharpedo Bluff. Sure, he could watch the sunrise when he was away on his expedition, but they just weren’t the same there as they were here. Besides, he was with Twig now, which made it even better.  

Kip smiled. “I missed this,” he murmured.

“Missed what?” Twig asked.

“This. Watching the sunrise with you. Going on walks. Just talking. You know, enjoying the little things in life with you.”

“Dude, you know you can still do those things without me right?”

“I guess, but they wouldn’t be the same. You’re what makes them special.”

They were both quiet for a bit. Twig was first to speak again. “Dang, I really messed up a lot of stuff with my dumb thoughts then. Sorry about that.”

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop apologizing for that!?” Kip responded. “None of us blame you for any of that stuff. If anything, it’s MY fault for not doing anything sooner despite seeing through all of your terrible lies. Besides, it’s in the past now. All we can do is focus on what we can do now, in the present.”

“I guess you’re right.” she said. “You know dude, if you really wanted to hang out with me THAT badly, you could’ve just asked.”

“Ok, noted. You’d better be prepared for lots of requests then if that’s what it’s gonna take.” Kip glanced over at Twig. Her expression was a bit troubled, as if she was contemplating something he had said. Seeing that, he nudged her and spoke again. 

“You know I meant it right? What I said before.” 

Twig turned her head to look at him. “What? The part about how me being there somehow makes things better?”

“Yeah, that one. I want to make sure that sticks with you, because you seem to be quick to forget it. You’re an amazing person. I know it’s hard for you to see it right now, but we all really do care for you more than you could imagine. And it doesn’t matter how long it takes you to convince yourself of all that, because all of us are happy to remind you as many times as it takes. Nothing you think or say or do will ever change that.”

Twig’s eyes started watering at that. “Seriously dude,” she croaked. “I was just complaining about how I was tired of crying. Did you really have to go and make me-”

Kip pulled her into a hug, cutting her off. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me Twig. You always will be. Please don’t ever forget that.”

They stayed like that for a while. Kip held Twig there for as long as she needed to cry. After a bit, Twig slowly pulled away and took a moment to wipe the tears out of her eyes and regain her composure. 

“You good now?” Kip asked her.

“Yeah, I think so. I think I actually feel a bit better than before, funny enough.” She shifted her gaze back to the horizon, where the sun had climbed a bit higher over the ocean. They sat there quietly, simply enjoying each other’s presence. For the first time in a while, it seemed as if everything was truly at peace. 

Twig eventually broke the silence. “You know what? I missed this a lot too. This is nice.”

“Yeah,” Kip said, nodding in agreement. “This is nice.”

#the present is a gift au #pmd #pmd2 #pmd eos #pmd explorers #pokemon mystery dungeon #fanfic #thanks for reading

[daisyprayers]

Today is #GivingTuesday!

As most of you know I am fundraising to receive life saving ketamine infusions at a clinic in Florida to treat my Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I cannot tell you how blessed and grateful I am to have this opportunity. There is so little research on CRPS that for years I had no hope of any treatment or symptom management. This disease ate up my life, a life which I now have the chance to get back.

To celebrate Giving Tuesday I want to share 5 things I'm excited to do after treatment:

5. Make more art - This is something that I already do, but with great difficulty. Sculpting and painting are my two favourite forms of visual art but are especially exhausting. I want to pursue my inspiration uninhibited and be able to fully express my creative vision!

4. Interact with nature - Nature has been a huge part of my mental, physical and spiritual healing. I feel most myself when I am deep in nature, but this is difficult for me because forests aren’t very wheelchair accessible. I dream of hiking, swimming, climbing, gardening, exploring this beautiful earth in every way I can.

3. Go back to school - I had to drop out of school in grade 12 because I was too sick to keep up, even with alternate education. I loved school and I love to learn. I want to finish high school and go to university to study film, visual art and writing.

2. Make movies - I am a filmmaker and have been since I first watched a movie. My love for film is my most consistent passion and driving force. I am an artist and a storyteller and I have so much to share with the world!

1. Be myself! - I want to figure out who I am and be that person with my whole heart. I got sick so young that I never had the opportunity to explore myself as an individual human being. I’ve learned so much about myself over the last year and I know there is so much of me left to discover once I am given the chance.

By supporting my fundraiser, whether through donation or sharing, you are helping me live the life I have only dreamed of. For that I am endlessly thankful.

#givingtuesday #crowdfunding #gofundme #fundraiser #signal boost #disability #chronic illness #crps #complex regional pain syndrome #crps awareness #disability support #community action #medical fundraiser #direct action #crowdfund #opheliarambles #crps warrior #please reblog

[mysticstarlightduck]

41.  Any advice for new/beginning/young writers?

42.  How do you feel about love triangles?

43.  What do you do if/when characters don’t follow the outline?

Thank you so much for the tag, @clairelsonao3!

41.  Any advice for new/beginning/young writers?

Hmmm. I think my advice, if any, would be this:

Don't get too caught up on what others tell you to write, or what you "should be writing because its popular". Write what you want to write, write the story that ultimately makes you so excited about writing it that you can't imagine getting bored, writing something you love. Because, even if it doesn't seem mindboggling original at first, or if it feels just too weird, or if you feel like no one will read it, loving what you write is the first step to writing any good book, no matter the genre, and when it comes down to it, having fun is one of the most important things a writer should strive for, for you own happiness. And if you do have fun while writing your book, your readers will feel it, and if they are your target audience, they will love it too.

No writing is bad writing in the first draft. Those first few iterations of your story aren't meant to be perfect, they aren't even meant to be extremely cohesive - they're meant to make your story finally exist outside of your mind. It's meant for you and you alone, as the writer of the book - your first draft is yours, and you can make as many mistakes as you need to in order to improve it! If you get too caught up on being perfect on something you still need to practice, you won't be able to write anything. Needing practice isn't a bad thing - it just means you have still a long road of interesting things to learn, and that every single word you write down on that formerly blank page will be another step on the ladder to achieving the writing your dream of making. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't come out perfectly in your first, second, third, or even tenth time - those "imperfect drafts" are each improving your own writing skill in one way or another, and one day, you'll look at your writing and see how far you've come after finally pushing through all that self-doubt.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! I mean it. A healthy mind is a MILLION times more creative than a tired and stressed-out mind. Find the sleep schedule that works for you. Eat healthy things according to your personal dietary needs. Go for a walk. Be responsible and proactive when it comes to your scheduled activities, don't procrastinate. Follow a schedule of your own. Get things done. Watch a movie with popcorn and relax. Laugh, smile, have fun. Do the things that make you happy. Talk to your friends. Enjoy some sunlight. Talk to a therapist, if you need to! All those things that make you feel refreshed, happy, and ready to take on more challenges. As someone who battled quite a few physical and mental health problems this past couple of years, I find that self-care is the root of any productive writing session and that I write much better now that I am happy, rested, and healthy than when I was really exhausted, sick and depressed and had to force myself to write. I really, really mean it. Take care of yourself, and practice self-compassion. It may not be easy at first, but you'll see how much it makes sitting down to write much more easy and joyful in the long run <3

42.  How do you feel about love triangles?

I already got that one, here! (:

43.  What do you do if/when characters don’t follow the outline?

Good question! Especially since I'm constantly dealing with this, as my outlines turn into drafts. My latest experience with characters rebelling against the outline has been Ambrose Prosper - I had a specific, detailed idea of what I wanted his past to be, but then I wrote him, and he started to develop and change until the character was basically like "nope, I do what I want" and I had to revise his whole backstory to fit this new version of his character - but honestly, it was for the best. I like this new version of Ambrose's character and backstory way more than the original one!

What I do in this situation is to let it flow - I realize that, if a character isn't following the strict outline, it's because of specific personality details, intricacies and growth that have happened thus far, and that is good. I tend to then bend the outline for the character. I think "Well, if this character wouldn't do this specific thing, then what would they do in this situation?" and 9 times out of 10, the answer to this question is more original and truthful to the character than the initial outline, and so I go with this new version! I find that being flexible with your characters makes for way more organic and meaningful stories than breaking characters to fit a specific scene just because "it needs to happen" - if a character doesn't work with a scene, I'm always positive that it's the scene that needs rework and change, not the character! (:

#writing #asked and answered! #ask games! (: #writeblr #writers #writerblr #my wips #character writing #writers on tumblr #my characters #my writing #asked and answered

[boxwinebaddie]

Hey Uncle Nina, I was wondering if you had any writing tips for new writers? ((Also side note but I am really inspired by you deciding to take breaks, (not in a mean way, i'm so, so, sorry if it sounded mean!!) I'm also just inspired by you in general your like my idol. :33))

hello my precious peach! before i begin, i would just like to start off by saying that you could, never, ever be mean, darling! you are so kind and wonderful!!! this message made me smile a rare kyle pile smile of over-large, lopsided stanley marsh proportions at my computer screen <33 and i admired it for many, many moons. :')

-- but i can't believe i'm your idol, possibly?! awww!!!! wowowow! i am extremely honored that you'd consider me as your idol given that i am constantly being a bumbling buffoon and am the ceo of girlfailuring.

behind 16k of nonsense and bold-space-italics, i swear i am just deranged writer college student, cat mom, box wine enthusiast.

i will say, however, that it means a lot to me that you find me inspirational or that you look up to me in someway because...

sigh. okay. please be cool guys. i debated mentioning this for a long time because i am scared it will punish me in some way, but...

i am studying to become a teacher. :')

woAh! new uncle nina lore just dropped! shdkahldk

so if i seem exhausted all the time, that is why, and if i preach at you guys a little bit, its just what i am constantly doing haha. i also specialize specifically in the area of social emotional learning, aka the part of teaching that focuses on mental health, creating a safe environment in your classroom, advocating/addressing student social needs, making sure students feel loved/validated/heard, etc.

with that said! i would love to give you some tips! anything i can do to support you on your writing journey means so much to me! i'll drop some things i have found helpful under the cut! xx

THIS ASK IS VERY LONG AND MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL BUT I HOPE THAT IT HELPS EVEN A LITTLE BIT! <3

i thought i would begin by playing off the part of your ask where you felt inspired by willingness to take breaks and!!!! i love that actually because...it took me a very long time to get there.

and if anyone has followed me from the very beginning, you watched me learn how to become kind to myself and go from rushing and stressing and feeling horrible about myself to...letting myself relax.

so, my darling, i want to start by saying...

fanfic is funfic.

writing is not always easy, no, sometimes it is very hard, but it should always, always, always be fun.

writing is a hobby. it's something that we do to unwind, to make us happy, to share stories through a creative media, to capture thoughts, feelings and speak without using our physical voices.

it should never, ever feel like work. ever. ever, ever, EVER!

if it starts to feel like work or a chore, it's time to step away.

one of the worst crimes i fell victim to as a writer was...rushing. i was obsessed with getting out my updates fast and not falling 'behind' ( which was some invisible and impossible standard i set for myself ), so i started rushing my updates and found they got really...forced.

forcing out writing feels horrible and even if it is good writing ( which i'm sure yours will be regardless ) it takes the fun out of everything. like, i forced out OG chapters 11-12 of peppermint and literally deleted them because of how much i hated them BECAUSE i rushed! forced!

and the reason i was doing that, unfortunately, was because i was trying to keep you all engaged! i wanted to satisfy you all, i was scared of letting you down, that you would be upset with me etc.

and unfortunately, along the way, i stopped...writing for me.

now, it's easier said than done but...

Write. For. You.

this is your story. you are writing it because it means something to you. you are writing it because you are passionate about it. and yes, it is fun to share your stories online ( i have never felt blessed in my life than to have had my stories read by all of you ), you are not writing it for the people who are reading it/to satisfy the masses/get notoriety, you are writing it because it's something you love.

if people read it and like it too, that is an added bonus.

and those people, i have found, are some of the loveliest in the world and they will...wait for your content. however long that will take. be it tomorrow or never. you are under no obligation to post within a certain time frame or please other people. post when you want. post when you feel good. write when you feel good.

with that said...take your time, will you darling?

however much time that is. take it. be greedy with it.

take so, so many breaks. come back with fresh eyes.

learn from my mistakes. i got so holed up writing this summer that...quite frankly, it almost killed me. do not do that. see your friends, touch grass, make meaningful experiences outside of fanfiction and then come back in healthy shifts. do not marry your work or your computer. do not chain yourself to your desk, lovely.

another thing is that writing is rewriting.

always write a first draft. and a first draft is anything past a blank document. i like to write all my drafts in google docs first and then transfer them when i am ready to format. it just keeps them secure and i really just prefer the format and the fonts and stuff, haha.

you may be writing something and being like, yikes! this is foul! i should delete this whole thing!

doooooo not do that.

leave it alone. just write your weird little thing and when you come back later you might be like...woah, i was kind of being a dickhead? this is actually pretty good, wtf? ooooorr...you may still not like it but you can always salvage parts you do like...or be like hm i like the direction that this was going in, lets follow that.

when i was an english major, i specialized in editing, so my favorite thing is looking at my horrible draft and sentence by sentence just fixing every sentence until i like it. <3 its tedious, but i swear its fun when you're done and you're like wow this is neat!

also, be kind to yourself, yeah? you might think what you've written is 'bad'...never use that word, by the way. nothing you write is 'bad' its just not the way you want it to look...Yet. you might need to rework it or, honestly, you are probably just holding yourself to an impossible standard. take pride in the things that you write! you worked hard!

i. am. proud. of. you. <3

one of my favorite things to do is...really understand my characters.

my favorite comments about my fanfics are that people think that my characterizations of the boys are really good which, means a lot to me because characterization and detail is very important to me.

i think its fun to flesh your characters out!

to do this, i have a notebook dedicated to my fanfics! i take notes about character backstories, headcanons, write myself notes when i have random ideas! it helps keep me organized!

i also like to do these character forms...it helps me have a solid feeling about my characters, how they look, walk, talk, etc. i love, love, love detail so i fill those out pretty thoroughly

( which!!!! if you guys want to see me fill one out! just ask me and specify which character to do it for! i could totally do pep!stan or pep!kyle or rm!jerseykyle or...ok actually, if i do raven i have to be Very Careful because of the plot...so...maybe ask me in a couple chapters before i do one on him...which pains me because THATS THE ONE I WANT TO DO!!! LIKE MAN!!!...i can also do side chars

***also maybe let me know what sections you want just because they are long as fuck lmaoooo help haha )

answer as many questions about your characters as you can! think about what they smell like! what types of food gross them out! celebrity crushes! one thing they could change about themselves? hidden talents? ideal man/woman/person? birthmarks/scars, etc.

i think ones about character motivations/dreams/fears/insecurities are reaaaallly good ones to look at.

also just putting your characters in situations is fun ( its why i like when you guys ask me about headcanons or give me one shot requests because it helps me flesh my characters out! )

( also if you aren't sure! that's okay! go with your gut! you can always edit! or change stuff! like...i learned about marj while writing pep and i used chapter five as a way to transition butters into marj...i also...fml found out something very annoying that impacts a large part of the rm lore i wrote BEFORE IT RECENTLY HAPPENED and had to painstakingly readapt my fanfic...around this info...but! thats on Being Flexible, my friends! writing...is rewriting )

also for inspiration! idk play dress up! hit your closet or the thrift store and wear something your character might! method act. ( if you are writing stan do not drink like him, i have done enough of that in my life for all of you, you're welcome it fucking sucks )

i am cringe but i do run the clove essential oil writing ravenstan/i did make a fireball apple cider ( yes they are gross, yes im gross ), i washed my face with an aggressive peppermint face wash writing stan season, i write a lot of my kyle chapters in large sweaters and frown often haha...

ok...uh personal cringey sidebar convo...weirdly sometimes writing stan i wear a lot of big hoodies, flannels and i am like...boy...nina? boyfriend? nina? why do i kinda? like him? skhdsldhd help if u dont get a little confused about ur gender for a second writing your boy fanfics are u really in character or what lmaooo

( off topic, but to respond to that, i think i am very comfortable in my femininity and girlhood, i just occasionally have a slightly more masc fuckboy backwards hat, ahah then what ;) frat boy moment that i lean into, mostly in a gay girl way...does that make sense? help sdjs the best way i can describe it is this meme lmaoo )

anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays! moving on!

also reading your writing out loud! while weird! is very cathartic and it helps you check if dialogue sounds the way you want it! or if there is an accent you need to hear ( yall heard me do the jersey kyle accent to check pronounciation ) it helps you get more attuned with your writing and really get the feel for it. if you do not want to be a clown like me another thing you can do is highlight your whole piece an have your phone 'speak' it back to you...that way you can check spelling errors.

which...btw...spell with your heart. spell with a stanley marsh level of loveliness and possible illiteracy. it's ok. don't beat yourself up.

but more on characters! make pinterest boards! make playlists!!!! make them on piccrew! don't get obsessed but have fun!!!

( seriously though...do not worry about being too detailed. please be so detailed be so fucking insane. i love reading so much and your readers will too. but maybe i am a maximalist. i want to eat ur chars )

another thing i like a lot about writing is dialogue!!!! i LOOOOOVE dialogue so so so much!

i always write all my dialogue first and try not to write it on the fly because i like to use it as a way to mark my progress, keep me on track, help me remember what goes next, etc.

then fill in the blanks later! its good for plot pacing.

i get asked about believable dialogue sometimes and you really just have to look at how your character presents themselves and how they interact with your world...on a base level.

like i.e. you're new at school and you run into pep!style

stan is sweet and kind and popular and immediately very likable. he'll probably tell you your shirt looks cool/that he likes your hair, probably offer to carry your books and babble on and on about football, video games, marvel movies, cool dogs, nature etc. he's senior class president and gods angel so he'll look after you. he might hug you. he will also probably talk your ear off about kyle and how cool he is.

"woah! sick shirt dude! i love the smiths! i'm listening to them right now! but --ooooof. that's alooooot of books, man. oh god, is that -- ap...history? yiiiiikes, bro. i mean, no offense! it's cool you like learning stuff. kyle's like that. oh...kyle? ha, he's my super best friend! uh-huh, since kindergarten! you know, since you're smart you're probably in a ton of his classes. lucky. speaking of, you'll know him when you see him. he's really tall, he's got big curly red hair, lots of freckles, pr..pretty, s-soft hands and his eyes are really green, like, really, r-really green i mean wowz...ah-hah? my boyfriend? aaaaa, hahaa....no-no he's not my b-boyfriend, why would you--i sound like i'm in love with him? i-i well i do love him, just not like that...i mean, maybe a little mayb--let's get you to class, okay smart guy?"

HEEEEELP

kyle...rip. kyle would probably be like watch where the FUCK you're going new kid! fucking idiot! and then be like i...how do you know my name??? and be like ah, i see you met stan. if he likes you, you're probably alright...y-you have a CRUSH on him??? i mean, i get it...he is captain of the football team, has really big blue eyes, nice eyelashes, broad shoulders and is like smoooooking ho--IS HE MY BOYFRIEND???? UM! NO! he is--he is NOT my boyfriend! were JUST super best friends! pfft you...you asked because he talked about me...like i was his boyfriend? like he was in love with m--ah-hah...you-yknow! we're just close were just....whatdidhesayaboutme askhdlad

important to think about where they might use words like, uh, um, like etc. also things that might be specific to them. i have pep stan say wowza a lot because i think its cute. and that the boys say hyh all the time to eachother. making a lingo is a great way to form chats.

( for accents and stuff, i would just watch videos of people with those accents speaking...even using tiktok as a resource for slang people might use...saying stuff out loud...etc )

uhhhh what else?

BE WEIRD!!!! be so fucking strange and weird!!!!!! be so odd! if you're looking at your story and you're like oof...is this too weird? NO! make it weirder! make it so so mindboggling haha.

i remember i was writing rm and i was scared to post it because i was literally like...this is too weird. people are gonna think this is weird and too ooc and not like it but...

who are we writing for my friend?

YOURSELF!

who cares if its weird! who cares if one person or one hundred million people like your fic! we are publishing stories on the internet! that is already weird, so who cares????

write your truth. write whatever you want. if people dont like it. i seriously dont care. I LIKE IT. i like what you write.

but that does matter.

it matters that you like what you write. write for yourself. write because you love it. everything else is background noise.

do not be afraid to be selfish, to take care of yourself and write only when and what feels right to you.

you guys can also ask me more specific questions or have me beta read anything -- ask me about concepts you might want to write! my dms are open, i have a discord, my twitter...even on ao3! im happy to help and i hope any of this was feasible.

-teacher uncle nina

#this is such a mess #i hope any of this makes sense #basically #write for yourself and no one else #take risks and have confidence in what you write #take breaks and write without a schedule #do character forms make playlists pinterest boards hcs #method act if you need to #read your work back to yourself use voices if you want #its good for checking spelling and vibing with your writing #be cringe #write your stuff in a google doc then transfer to save your work #try dialogue first and then fill in the gaps #put your characters in diff situations #and see how they would talk and interact #see how that might differ character to character #and idk be weird #please be weird #do not be afraid to be strange or cringe or intense #i love and support yall being as insane as u want #also yeah uh please dont dox me that makes me seriously nervous i need a job u guys #i get paid actually zero dollars to write i write because i love it lmao #i get paid not that much more to teach but u know...box wine is not free and neither is therapy which i need often #but yeah whew teacher nina nation nina lore haha #ALSO NOT ME HAVING A GENDER MOMENT U GUYS #i luv being hyper fem y2k princess nina but also in bi girlie way i like being boyfriend nina who will carry u over puddles & wins beer pon #i think its funny when people run into me and they think im cute bc of my fit like oh my godddd #and then i roll up w my dead ass man voice and start being like shaka brah!!! bet!!! bet dude!!! you wont dude! no balls bro? ashdlkha #frat boy girl failure uncle nina nation who is up

[rabble-dabble]

hi. i know it's been a while and i'm sorry for that.

i guess if you'd just like to know what's going on click the readmore?

if you don't wanna read that though, tldr is that i'm starting to draw hs characters for art practice, and that i'm doing this art "series" (i guess?) for myself to improve. oh, and that life is hard sometimes.

so this isn't really easy to say, and especially not to the internet with a buncha strangers following me (haha) but truthfully, i've been having a hard time both with art and with life lately.

i feel like i'm not keeping up with consistency or the expectations i set for myself with art both on this blog and off. i keep finding myself unsatisfied, disgusted, or just disappointed with how my art turns out, or the ending piece. i feel like i used to know where my art was going, and now i've somehow lost sight. i know the individual things i need improvement on (backgrounds, objects, animals, feet anatomy, colour techniques, body shapes, etc etc etc) but it all just feels like so much and if i get practice on one thing, i stop drawing for a while and i just lose the practice i learned.

so i kinda came up with a solution. draw all the hs characters again - interesting, right? (/s). but i'm not gonna do this for the blog (so, sorry followers). i'm gonna do it for me. no expectations, i don't have a set time limit so no stressing myself, and i just draw the characters as i'd like, trying to improve. this is also to just help myself with wanting to draw again - i draw IRL almost everyday, but nothing that i want or that's...well, artistic/creative. i want to create, like it's eating underneath me in my soul, but i can't find myself to do anything more than pencil sketches.

that kinda brings me to my other problem lately: real life. haha.

if you've been following me long enough, you know i don't really post about my IRL problems here, or especially not to this extent. yeah, i've had my one or two vent posts, but i try to keep it off here because a part of me knows its no benefit to have that kind of depressing, low-self esteem stuff on an art blog that i reblog minecraft and john/kat to.

but truthfully, i don't just wanna pretend it's sunshine and rainbows on here. i'm so tired, and i'm stressed, and i've been through the emotional woodchipper lately that i can barely keep my head on straight. yes, i'm trying to get help for all this (i have a doctors appointment soon, and i'm gonna try and get all my diagnosis in order and get therapy, etc) but i'm not coping well with everything that's been happening to me lately, and i can't keep trucking on the same way i have been like i'm more emotionally stable than i actually am.

i'm sorry if i've been acting more bitter, distant, or just different lately. i'm just exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and i'm starting to run out of energy to just function in my day-to-day. i actually cried at work the other day (for the first time!) for feeling so overwhelmed with everything i had to do (both in my job and outside of it, fuck retail btw it sucks). i have small support in friends and family, but they're not the type of support i genuinely need to function and keep myself healthy. and i can't rely on them in ways that aren't their responsibility, or that i truly need help with.

i'm not trying to air out ALL my dirty laundry here (hehehe) but i just felt like it was better to say i'm struggling emotionally then to just pretend i wasn't struggling at all. if i was a healthier person i probably wouldn't be venting here in the first place, but then again i probably wouldn't have all these problems hanging over me either, lol.

just...have patience with me, please. i just want life to be a little kind, or at least kind enough to get me to my first therapy appointment.

#homestuck #aradia medigo #doodleart #vent #<- its under the readmore kinda #anyways now that im not being depressing anybody see my diff brushes? #i used all three of them cause i wanted to (because i WANTED to. cool) #hs draw ref #<- new tag for this art series #so i can find it easier lol #i love how i said i wanted to improve on things other than people and i am drawing. people. SHUT #im gonna draw tavros or something with a background. maybe #idk ill need an idea but i have time #<- he is trying to comfort himself LMAO #brother the vent is WILD im so sorry to anybody tryna see art in the normal tags slajdfhjhdslf

[ikeasharksss]

hello! i dont usually make original posts on this blog, but lately i remembered all the thoughts i have about the Three Days In The Infirmary trope in the solangelo community. i wrote this essay, so check it out if you please <3

In my time reading solangelo fics, I have noticed that the most popular trope for this pairing is Three Days In The Infirmary. Everytime I scroll through the recently updated fics for solangelo on AO3, I am bound to encounter at least 1 fic w/ this trope. And I’m not too surprised by that! Solangelo writers don't have a lot to work with, so we take what we can get. Will makes the Three Days statement at the end of BOO, and literally in the next RR book– which takes place six months later– he and Nico are dating! Speculation as to what happened during those three days is to be expected, even more so among fanfic writers. 

I have read many Three Days fics in my time in the solangelo corner of AO3, both before and after I began writing for the pair myself. This week, I spent some time scrolling through the recently updated solangelo fics and found two Three Days fics. I opened both of them. This leads me to the main point of this Tumblr essay, my friends: Three Days In The Infirmary fics have the potential to be really amazing stories on found family and recovery! However, they also have the potential to have harmful/lazy depictions of trauma and just awful characterization. For the purposes of this essay, I will be dividing the Three Days fics I have read into two categories: worse Three Days fics and good Three Days fics. This is not to say that this trope is black and white. Every fic– no matter the trope– can have bad and good elements. However, I can’t use this essay to dissect every Three Days fics I’ve encountered and give them a unique rating, so I will use the worse and good categories for convenience. 

First, let’s talk about the depictions of trauma. If this would make you uncomfortable, skip to the next paragraph. I notice that, in the worst Three Days fics I have read, Nico's trauma is handled in one of two ways: it is glossed over or it is romanticized. Both of those depictions promote unhealthy views of trauma for everyone & it takes a critical writer to not fall into those traps. When it is glossed over, Nico's trauma is dismissed as just a part of his character– such as his hair color or his sense of humor– or even made into a joke by the less-traumatized characters. This irks me and the first sign of one of these depictions is enough to turn me off a fic. In HOO alone, Nico goes through an immense journey to save the world. He comes out of that exhausted and in need of physical and mental rest, but some Three Days writers forget that. Their fics consist of Nico walking into the infirmary, chatting with Will and others while in a bed, probably having an angsty moment or two about how he wants to leave, then, all of a sudden, the “am I in love with Will?” scene. It doesn't make sense! Anyone in need of such rest and care wouldn’t be looking for a new crush. If they did start to have feelings for someone, pursuing that relationship should never be at the forefront of their mind. However, that’s how these kinds of Three Days fics work. This brings me to my next topic: romanticization. This depiction is on the flip side of glossing over but it is just as harmful as irritating. Here, Nico's trauma is used as a plot point. For example, I read a Three Days fic once where Will has to pull Nico out of a nightmare (a common trope within this trope), which is the inciting incident for Will realizing he’s in love with Nico. In another example, Nico's poor health, whether it be him fading into the shadows or something new and creative, drives him to realize that he loves Will and needs to do something about it before it’s too late. In both of these instances, Nico's trauma is used to further the romance of the fic. There's no detailing of Nico recovering or learning to care for himself, just a jump straight into romance. Both the glossing over and romanticization of Nico's trauma makes an uncomfortable read for me. As I said before, Nico has seen some horrors! He's not going to jump into the infirmary A) completely ignoring them or B) ready to fall in love! Before I wrap up this paragraph, here is a quick note: notice how I didn't talk about Will's trauma? Neither do these Three Days authors. Most of their fics center on Nico’s POV and, if they do have Will’s POV, he’s mostly talking about how smitten he is. I think the Three Days trope as a whole could benefit with Will recovering from his own battle against gaea but, then again, RR doesn’t give solangelo writers much to work off with that one. This shouldn’t be an excuse to ignore Will’s own backstory, but, instead, should be an invitation for writers to explore the potential Will has as a character. 

Now for the characterization in these worse fics: it’s always lazy. In fics where Nico's trauma is glossed over, he is babied by Will and is written to look like he can’t take care of himself. This often bleeds into Hurt/Comfort, but with Will as the perpetual comforter and Nico as the perpetual hurt one. Not only is this characterization of Nico not true to the books (Nico is, in fact, one of the more mature characters in the rrverse), but is a harmful and frankly stale take on trauma. His pain does not turn him into a baby! Furthermore, Nico ignoring his trauma is just as unrealistic. The war is fresh in everyone’s lives, who is going to turn from it after three days or less? But that’s not just for Nico– Will's characterization is a whole other can of worms. I will state, however, that Three Days writers aren’t given a lot of source material on Will's character. Despite this, some of the Three Days fics I’ve read write him as, what i like to call, The Forever Doctor. This trope means that the character is always in doctor mode: commenting and supporting others’ health, stressing over their loved ones' well being, and never needing support or care themselves. It's like these Three Days authors forget that Will fought two wars as a teenager, too! Not to be all like “Will has been traumatized, too!” but he does have a decent backstory that anybody with an imagination can learn and write with. In summary: glossing over/romanticizing Nico’s trauma is a poor characterization for him and is a harmful depiction of trauma. Trauma victims are not babies, and they can’t forget about their trauma in a few days. Adding on, this weak characterization of Nico and Will as The Forever Doctor make for a boring story. If these characters are rendered down to a patient and doctor who fall in love, there is no room for conflict and character growth. It would be way more interesting for both writers and readers to see Nico and Will develop as characters and in their relationship over time. 

Good Three Days fics also discuss trauma but in a much different way than the worse ones. Again, this paragraph will be discussing trauma in this trope. If that makes you comfortable, scroll away, my friend. Good Three Days authors care about both Nico and Will's trauma. It’s not glossed over because it is always addressed with care and respect, but it is not romanticized because, when it is discussed, it is not to help the romance progress. These Three Days authors strike a balance between having a discussion on trauma and allowing the romance plot to continue. Usually, this is done when the two topics are separated: romance is not mentioned in the trauma moments, and trauma is not mentioned in the romance moments. (However, I’d like to make an exception: personally, I enjoy when Three Days authors discuss Nico’s internalized homophobia in romance scenes. It is consistent with his character!) It is helpful to a Three Days fic when there is one plot for trauma and another for romance. Which brings me to my next point: recovery! The worst Three Days fics I've read never handle this topic properly. The recovery is either rushed for the sake of romance or it literally doesn’t take place at all! But in the good Three Days fics, Nico and Will recover from the war, physically and mentally. Nico learns to live at peace with himself, makes some friends, and tries to find a home at CHB, while Will finds a new friend, relaxes from his Forever Doctor trope, and becomes a regular camper again. Recovery is always handled with as much sensitivity as trauma, which creates a well rounded piece and the perfect amount of catharsis for the reader. 

Good Three Days fics have characterization that is consistent w/ the source material. Nico isn’t infantilized, & Will isn’t a Forever Doctor. Instead, they are introduced as complex survivors, and, throughout the fic, grow into peace. It isn’t like the worst Three Days fics where every word is spent for Hurt/Comfort. Instead, Nico and Will (and sometimes other characters!) have time to breathe. I can't stress enough how important it is to give characters time to breathe in any fic! 

I have read a lot of bad Three Days fics, but I have also read some great ones! The first Three Days fic I read that really blew me away was “A Myriad of Stars” by chameleonwrites on AO3. It's a 25k one shot following Nico & Will's relationship, from when they were strangers after Gaea, friends in the infirmary, and falling for each other in the weeks after the war. I love this fic so much because the author is so gentle with Nico’s trauma, from battling his internalized homophobia to making friends for the first time. And what made this fic stand out so much to me when I first read it is that there’s no romance at all during the actual three days!! Instead, the romance plot is introduced after Nico is discharged from the infirmary. 

More recently, I read “oh, the whole world, it is sleeping, but my world is you” by thelordofshrimp on AO3. This is an untraditional take on the Three Days fic but I won't go any more into that because no spoilers! The reason this fic represents everything that can go well with a Three Days fic is because of the sheer imagination the author had while writing it. And there’s no dramatic confession of love at the end! Sure, there’s a bit of romance because it’s a Three Days fic and that’s to be expected, but the story focuses on Nico’s growth & his friendship with Will. In my opinion, too many Three Days fics take inspiration from RR and shove Nico & Will together ASAP, but this fic (& the last one) take their time in writing Nico and Will’s relationship, which is why they stand out so vividly in the sea of Three Days fics I’ve read. 

I originally shared this essay in a Discord server with other solangelo fans, and I learned something that definitely contributes to the mix of quality Three Days fics have. The RR books are targeted for young audiences, namely for middle schoolers, and solangelo is a very popular ship in this fandom. Therefore, young fandom members who want to try their hand at fanfic writing often gravitate to solangelo. It might even be their first pairing in any fandom! Similarly, Three Days is a very popular solangelo trope, so it makes sense that these young fandom members are driven to write this. I know that, when I began writing fanfic at fourteen-years-old, I didn’t have the ability to write nuance about trauma and romance. I see this in the worst Three Days fics I’ve read, because this trope requires nuance. I fear that young fanfic writers and readers who engage with this lack of nuance will grow into people who don’t know how to discuss trauma, recovery, and healthy romance. 

I’m not saying the Three Days trope should be abandoned entirely. I still think it has potential! However, Three Days writers need to think critically about what they are writing. Glossing over and romanticizing trauma feeds into harmful ideas and stereotypes about trauma. Nico, Will, and the other PJO characters who have fought wars deserve to have their stories told with respect. In a lighter area, lazy characterizations such as Will The Forever Doctor and infantilized Nico are just painful to read. I believe the Three Days trope can be used to tell wonderful, touching stories, and I believe that because I’ve read those stories. It shouldn’t be retired, forgotten, abandoned, or ridiculed: it should be used as a learning experience. 

This essay was inspired by my recent return to the solangelo tag on AO3. Everytime I read a good Three Days fic, I am well fed and have a deeper love for the characters than I did before reading it. Everytime I read a worse Three Days fic, I wonder how I would write my own version of this trope. The only reason I’ve never tried my hand at it is because I don’t know what I would write that hasn’t already been written. 

I would like to leave one last message on the Three Days trope before I complete this essay: it’s just fanfiction. Nico, Will, and the universe they live in doesn’ t exist. Don’t get too pressed. Just because I expressed my critical views on a fanfiction trope does not mean you, the reader, can never enjoy that trope again. I enjoy it myself! If you’ve read this far, thank you for indulging me. 

#solangelo #nico di angelo #will solace #solangelo fic #pjo #hoo #toa #tsats #three days in the infirmary

[kaiannae]

Starling Bath Scene part 10

So, as some of you might know, I am currently working on my graduation project in a Game Dev course and have little time for myself. Due to that fact, I'm not sure the next chapter of Starling will be ready in time, so I thought I'd give you another of those little random snippets to gnaw on in the meantime. I've made an attempt to re-sort the former snippets so its better understandable which are connected and in what order. So you can now read back easily!

Warning! This may contain spoilers for Starling. May, as in, I am not sure if it will be canon. as of now, it is a oneshot divergent future XD

CW for panic, self loathing and self worth issues, grooming difficulties and fear of water. Also, I"ve marked this as mature just to be safe.

"It's alright, Sternchen. It’s alright. I've got you," Caleb soothed, his hand and the cloth gliding up Essek’s thigh, over his knee, down his calf, rubbing gently to agitate any debris off his skin. He even dragged the cloth against the sole of Essek's foot, between his toes, with meticulous care for every inch of flesh. Essek couldn't help but gasp at the sudden tickle as the human's fingers smoothed against the arc of his foot, and it was all he could do to avoid kicking out on reflex.

"Oh- es tut mir leid, Starling," Caleb said gently, rubbing more firmly to chase away the sensitivity of his sole. The pressure of the pads of his fingers was just right, pleasant and soothing, but Essek could hear the smile in his voice, the mild excitement of discovery. It reminded him of early days, of Caleb's excitement every time he found out a new thing about Essek, even before he knew Essek was anything more than a simple creature. It was endearing, even if he was finding it hard to appreciate in these circumstances. "You're ticklish. Duly noted," Caleb mused, as if making a mental note and the fondness in his tone made Essek's heart clench painfully. He wanted that fondness. He wanted to bask in it. He wanted to court it, but he didn't dare to. "Other leg, bitte," Caleb prompted, and Essek was quick to comply, even through the embarrassment that made his body flush warm. His skin prickled with anticipation as Caleb repeated his motions with his other foot, cleaning carefully, taking care not to tickle this time. There was– so much Caleb could do to him at this moment. There was so much power he could have over Essek. Caleb was physically stronger than him, just in terms of crude brute strength. Essek was sitting naked in his lap, surrounded by water, which terrified him, his components out of reach, his arcana all but exhausted for the day. And Caleb had power in casting, power in location, as they were in a place of the human's creation, that he controlled, and power in knowledge as well. He knew so much. He knew Essek's secrets, his weaknesses, the things that would make him bend, and break and obey without question.

Essek should have been terrified. He should have been mortified of baring himself like this, putting himself in the human's hands, letting him wield all that power. Had Caleb been of a cruel mind, he could have Essek helpless in his grasp. He could torment him for hours, days, however long he wanted, in so many ways. The human had a unique, creative mind. Had he been anything like Egan– But no. Comparing the two was a sin, the worst act of blasphemy. And Essek- Essek wasn't terrified, and hasn't been so in a long time, not since the first days of their travels. Because it was Caleb, and if there was one thing he knew for a fact, one thing he was sure of, it was that Caleb was safe, Caleb would never use the power he had to hurt Essek. So it was safe to yield, safe to give in, and let Caleb do as he pleased. It was safe to let Caleb take care of him, to keep him from the terrors of water and the shadows his mind conjured as liquid touched his skin. Their work done, Caleb's hands retreated from their meticulous cleaning of Essek's leg and rose to lather the cloth again. Essek was appalled to see the cloud of gray dissipating into the water as it was wrung. It seemed prestidigitation really did have its limits, especially when raw, tender skin made any further use painful. A fresh wave of shame made him curl further against Caleb's chest, as if seeking to hide from the human's scrutiny. That Caleb saw this, that Caleb knew just how depraved he had become, how weak and pathetic he allowed himself to be- how could he hope to be worthy of someone like Caleb, someone who braved his fears every day, who walked back into the den of horrors he had escaped from for the noble cause of saving others, of ending suffering? How could he ever hope to catch Caleb's eye, when he was merely Essek, a coward, a traitor, a broken, useless filthy thing. Caleb, oblivious to his inner thrashing, paused his work to wrap his free hand tighter around Essek's shoulders, mistaking his burrowing into the human's space as fresh fear. His other hand held up the well lathered cloth in kind offering. "Do you wish to do this part on your own, liebling? Or would you rather I do it?" he asked gently, no inflection in his voice to hint at pity, or aversion, or desire. There was nothing but soft kindness, as mild and comforting as a cup of tea and nothing more. Essek swallowed convulsively.  "I-I can do it. I can do it," he answered, though whether he was trying to convince Caleb or himself was unclear. He knew he failed miserably at both, but still Caleb took his words at face value, holding out the cloth for him to take. He grasped it with fingers that almost managed not to shake, but only almost, heat rising to his cheeks in a foolish display of embarrassment, of shame. The thought of cleaning himself, of touching himself so intimately in plain sight of anyone, of Caleb, made him want to crawl under the floorboards. Which was weak, and foolish and infantile, he told himself firmly. He was a grown man, and it was hardly the first time they had to share awkward, intimate moments. They had nursed each other back from the brink of death, from the brink of madness and despair. They had traveled together, cared for each other when sick. This was hardly the most embarrassing thing they've done.

So why was his hand shaking, why did the thought of cleaning himself while Caleb watched make him hot and cold at the same time, why couldn't he bring himself to move? He sat there, frozen, holding the cloth above the water in indecisive agony for what seemed like eternity, a matter which was only made worse when a slight movement of his knee made the water ripple and move, making him aware once more of the fact he was sitting submerged in water, making the panic rear up its ugly head once more. He gasped, pressing back against Caleb's chest, losing his grasp on the lathered cloth as he flinched. It plunged into the water in a cloud of foam, and Essek couldn't bring himself to reach into the water after it. He simply stared at the rippling surface, growing more and more distraught by the situation, by his own reaction, but the need to act and the inability to do so. Warm hand enveloped him, pulling his hand away from where it hovered in painful indecision over the water. They soothed against his forearms, pulling him close against Caleb's chest, into a calming hug which made the constriction in his chest unclench somewhat. "Hush, Sternchen. No need to fret," Caleb's voice rumbled against his ear and Essek realized he must have made some sound, some pitiful whimper or another embarrassing vocalization. But his shame mingled with some guilty satisfaction at the embrace it earned him, and that only fed into that shame in a dangerous back-feed of self-consciousness and embarrassment.

"Let me do it, bitte. You don't have to do anything tonight, but lie back." His larger, human hand plunged into the water and fished out the washing-rag, and he went about lathering it anew as Essek hid his face against his wet shirt. For a moment, he wished for the shirt to be gone, wished for the sensation of warm skin against his own, of the mat of curly hair he remembered from days and nights on the road against his cheek. He had long been curious about what it would feel like.  But he was being foolish, as wanton as a cat in heat. Caleb was merely indulging him in caring for him. Essek should not soil his kindness with his own desires. He did not deserve to have his heart's desire anyway.

#shadowgast #starling #caleb widogast #fairy au #essek thelyss #fairy essek #fanfic #critical role #writing #starwriting

[rosedmuse]

point(e)less; haruseonne 1000 days

happy 1000 haruseonne days!

i originally wanted an a10-related au but it didn't feel right for my 1000 days with haruto so instead of overcomplicating things, i went with the au that encapsulates the essence of who i am as a person. :3

so here's a very smol piece of the whole a3 ballet au gig i have going krazy in my head and in my heart!

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶༉‧₊˚

Port de bras. Pique, step, developpe. Glissade. Assemblé into a double cabriole; hold the arabesque. And then, chasse, pique turn once, saute de basque, and land in attitude derrièreー

"Stop. Do that one more time, from the top."

"Hah!? What did I even do wrong now?"

Another late night, overtime stay at the studio. It's way past rehearsal hours now, so no dancer's supposed to be within GOD-za vicinity anymore; save for some of the staff and guards. But then, audition day for the role of Prince Siegfried in the ballet classic 'Swan Lake' is closing in very quickly, and my desired partner and I still have quite a lot of our work cut out for us.

"You have to elongate your developpe en avant more, really hold your arabesque, and make sure you land facing the audience in your attitude." I try to keep my critiques as concise as possible.

"Oh. That so? But I thought I was already doing all those..." Haruto furrows his brows and frowns. It isn't an expression made out of frustration per se, but more so of confusion.

It hasn't been that long since Haruto started ballet; in fact, his promotion from first artist to soloist happened only earlier this season. And if he does get casted as Prince Siegfried this time around, who knows, maybe another sweet promotion to first soloist is what's in store for him next. But he's improved so much in such time; even if he often rides high on praise, he'll insist mentally to himself that he's got an even longer way to go. He never changed being a hardworker, and I like that about him.

Well, I like everything about him to begin with.

"Enjoy watching me struggle with my variation?" He asks, while he takes a short break to secure the laces on both of his worn out shoes more tightly.

"Hm, not always. But I do love seeing your progress critique after critique." I hand over a water bottle to him, forgetting not to sneak in another one of the many compliments I have about him that he deserves to hear every now and then.

"So you do enjoy seeing me struggle," he says, accepting the bottle and shaking his head in disbelief. "You can be a real meanie sometimes too, y'know? More than I ever was before, even."

A lighthearted laugh escapes my lips and reduces the built up tension caused by hours and hours of practice inside the quiet room. The playful banter exchanged amidst our exhaustion leaves a creative rhythm in the air that can only be heard and recognized by us, two. Our unwavering devotion and yearning for the stage binds not only our careers together, but also our very hearts, most importantly.

"Stay with me, Seonne," Haruto requests, ignoring completely the beads of sweat forming all over his forehead and dripping down either side of his temples. "Just a few more runs and we'll call it a day, I promise."

I abruptly rise, toes aching a fair but tolerable bit from moving around in pointe shoes for more than eight hours now, eager to convince him that that is no where near a good idea. Setting down the music player containing recordings of each of our solos and pas de deux, I walk over to his crouched figure and kneel before him.

"Haruto-san." My index finger's right in front of his nose. "I'm sure you mean, just one last run, yes?"

"But, Seonneー"

I place my raised index finger over his lips, cutting him and his almost unreasonable reasons short.

"We're both well aware that GOD-za, as a ballet company, is extremely driven by the results of our shows. Just what do you think will Reni-san say when he finds out we're overexerting ourselves with our own set of rehearsals every night? If we become physically incapable of performing our roles due to overfatigue, then we're doomed!"

Haruto brings his eyes down to his lap, where his hands rest, seemingly in contemplation. I didn't want to sound too harsh, but it's the truth. We can't keep doing this until audition day. He can't keep forcing himself to go beyond the limits of his body. I can't afford to risk seeing him seated among the audience members with a broken ankle while I'm stuck on stage.

Clearing his throat, he tries for a compromise. "What if Iー"

"We run the whole thing?" I firmly insist. "From Allegro, to the Adage, to your solo, then mine, and lastly the Coda."

A couple moments more of careful consideration, and my Prince Siegfried understudy finally gives in. "Fine. Let's settle with that for tonight."

"Yay!" I happily cheer, throwing myself at him and wrapping my arms around his neck is an act of pure instinct. The fact that we are still technically in 'public' flew way outside my scope of consciousness. "Oops, sorry. Got a little excited there..."

"It's alright," Haruto flashes that cheeky grin of his, before quickly leaving a small peck over my browline. "After all, I can't have my dearest first soloist and soon to be principal dancer ruining their Swan Lake debut now, can I?"

"Absolutely not!"

With a race to see who gets to press play on our music player first, Haruto and Iーno. Prince Siegfried and Odile take over the rest of the night. For just how point(e)less would it be if we hadn't gone all out like it truly is our last?

Dancing to the beat of Tchaikovsky's greatest masterpiece is one thing; but to be sharing this beautiful work of art together with the person who I consider is the other half of me, is everything I ever dreamed of.

#a3! yume #a3 yume #self-insert #first person pov #ballet au #haruseonne #official yume ship name update! #wooo!

[outoutdamnspark]

So I Took An Accidental Hiatus...

Y’all I’m so sorry for complete and total silence for the last... *checks notes*

MONTH?!

It’s been a really weird time for me recently; work got super duper busy all through May, so we were pulling long hours and extra days, plus my bosses decided they needed a target to vent all their stress out on, and guess who the lucky winner was? 😖

(One of them literally called me “a fucking joke” to my face, and then dragged my coworkers over to publicly shame me for “being so fucking slow” after I had just come back from my lunch break.)

So I said fuck it and went searching for a better job. Which I found! I started just this week! It pays slightly less per hour, but I get full benefits, better hours, and the chance to work for commission.

Maybe I’m petty, but it brought me great amusement when one of the old bosses practically begged me to stay and tried to bribe me with a $0.50 raise and a promise of aaaalllll the possible benefits they’ve been "looking into getting for everyone” for the past two years. When that didn’t work I got to watch them scramble to try and fill my position before I left, hire two new people, and then have one never show up and the other get fired on her second day. I’ve been told my position will be waiting for me if I ever decide I don’t like my new job. XD Sorry, but no.

Also? Apparently the day after I left, the boss that had tried to bribe me was panic-texting, telling everyone about how she’s “looking into benefits” and “we appreciate all of you so much!”

(On a better note aside from that whole mess, I was also out of town for a little bit right after my birthday to visit my mom. Which was nice, it just meant I wasn’t home.)

But yeah.

Because of all of that, my work/life balance has been utterly fucked, and my social life, romantic life, personal time, and creative projects all took a massive nose dive. When I say I barely spoke to anyone, I do, quite literally, mean I barely spoke to anyone. 😭

I’m hoping that with a less physically demanding and mentally exhausting job, I can get the hard restart I desperately need. I’ll be in training for a few weeks still, but my new manager is awesome and I’ve already had a little more energy the past few days since leaving my old job.

So for everyone I’ve left hanging for a month, I am so sorry. I’m gonna be working on easing myself back in to being online again. Thank you for sticking with me. 💕

~ Isaac💥

#spark speaks #*head in hands* fuuuuuuuuuck it’s been A MONTH?!!! REALLY!!??

[pandor-pandorkful]

I feel like by the time I manage to convince myself to update my resume and apply for this library position it'll already be filled, but I guess I need to do the mental/emotional work on myself first because I'm still traumatized by my last job gosh darn it. =_=

Ways library job would not be like old job:

Not cooped up in a literal closet/fluctuating social contact/likelihood of seeing many friendly faces I haven't seen in years

Fewer opportunities for my dyscalculia to fuck with me/little to no math

More chances to move around physically

So many windows so much natural light

Good noise levels and socially inforced quietness/general pleasant library sounds/less strain on my audio processing issues

BOOKSMELL OuO

Stimulating environment in general, good for adhd entertainment seeking brain

$14 an hour is more than I ever made in payroll

Probably less weird dresscode/can be more visibly queer than old job

Statistically likely to be fewer people calling angry about numbers

Might not have to deal with phonecalls at all

No mom freaking out at me to look busy (the stacks can take care of any residual anxiety)

Did I mention less isolated, cuz that's a biggie

Organizational systems that make sense

Access to more fun creative stuff than a boring Payroll office could ever hope for

Probably less emotional exhaustion (aside from Iowa's new book banning laws =_=)

Retirement plan and paid time off (!!!!!!!!)

Downsides/fears:

The plague.

My adhd issue with volume control when someone talks to me and I get excited

My adhd in general fucking my focus up

How do I get up and out of the house before 8 am??? I can wake up at 6 easy sure BUT GETTING READY TO GO ANYWHERE IS DIFFICULT AND DIFFERENT

Dyslexia in the House of Reading could be an Issue

Transportation.

My tendency to Hate Myself after Every Social Interaction

Having to Do Things, both to apply and as job

How feed cats when gone all day????

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

That thing where I inflate the importance of something and make a tiny issue into a big huge problem in my mind and don't know how to ask for help before it actually becomes a real big huge issue...

The people who will stare at my boobs/creeps in general

The way my boobs will make every physical task excruciatingly painful for my back

Being large in environments where largeness was never accounted for

...but in general, the positives outweigh the negatives....

I'm just... afraid. Of getting burnt out again/worse.