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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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uncanny-tranny · 8 months

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To any disabled person undergoing tests to find What's Wrong: I hope your results come back the way you hope and that you receive the help you need. I hope you are not denied care, I hope you are taken seriously even after this, and I hope that you will be taken care of compassionately

#disability #currently going through something like this for myself and while i doubt there's anything 'wrong' i still did it #people are always weird about people who are disappointed or devastated about 'normal results' but...#...it's because normal results don't mean much when you still have the issue at hand...#...if my test came back that my back is physically normal that doesn't indicate that i don't have back pain does it?#because i am still in pain so often even if i have a 'physically normal' back...#...just as an example but i don't think a lot of abled people 'get it'#also like... if your tests are coming back 'normal' every time that might give your care providers pause...#...and they might just start infantilizing you or treating you like a hypochondriac...#...'are you SURE [problem] isn't just anxiety?' 'are you SURE you're actually experiencing [x] or are you exaggerating it?'

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turtleblogatlast · 21 days

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Every day I’m haunted by the fact the boys happily swim in sewer water

Even if it’s filtered somehow there’s no way it’s not still nasty 😭 Bet they can defeat any of their villains just by accidentally giving them diseases I swear

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #bless their hearts but they’re nasty #it’s funny because like #each and every one of them has moments #where they’re a typical disgusting teenage boy #and then the next they have STANDARDS #can’t blame Leo for being so determined to go to a spa #even if he nearly licked his own foot that’s prob cleaner than anything else the boys have been up to in years 💀#thank you shelldon for all your hard work cleaning after then 🙏#they’re all gross teenage boys!!!#even Donnie he is NO exception here #bro was DRINKING A BEVERAGE while wading through sewer water he is just as gross as his bros #bro also talks with his mouth full he is no more refined than his equally gross bros fr and I love it #but yeah no way that water isn’t disgusting even filtering it would still leave grime on the walls of the sewer for yearsss #pros of them moving into an abandoned subway system is fixing their sense of smell enough to not be as gross #100% that’s part of why they didn’t mind being so filthy pre shelldon #because I mean they were literally raised in the sewers and they’re teenage boys like that’s a double whammy #THEY ALSO DONT WEAR SHOES #the few times any of them do the shoes are discarded before heading home 💀#I love them tho they are endearing anyhow #April’s immune system must be godlike just being around them fr #honestly no joke Mikey’s probably the cleanest of them all #just by virtue of being a chef #Leo I see as a mixture since he no doubt loves to pamper himself so he’s clean like #a percentage of time before he goes out and ruins his own hard work #Donnie is similar in that he’s just VERY SELECTIVE about what he thinks is too gross #Raph may be more on the stinky end but it’s not his fault he has his stinks and eats things of dubious origin(esp since his bros ate poison)#Donnie and Leo really have the gall to be sick about Raph eating the origami salami but they have no room to talk #all their villains are prob like please stay away from us we have salmonella now

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hyakunana · 7 months

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When you need to lie, but you're a good boy.

#Lies of P #lop #neowiz #pinocchio #fanart #comics #interrupting your local d2 art fever for puppet time -- we shall return soon #I'm not done with the game yet so i ain't checking tags #steamrolled this one bc i still wanna do another d2 comic for the weekend #cant lose momentum yet yelp #as i prepare this post i'm stuck on the cathedral boss for two afternoons already #like-- i am having progress with the battle and improving my timing so i guess that's something?#i'm not a souls player -- that's my brother -- but when i doubt myself he pats me and #'nah you are a souls player - you have persistence' and honestly he's not wrong #i'm actually enjoying the learning process of the battle even tho i'm stuck for two afternoons #i mean i spent 37 hours on the demo so at least i am taking my time sdfghjhgfd

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personthattoleratesme · 5 months

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Dan has seen Phil basically everyday for 14 years and still looks at him like he has a secret giddy crush and it makes me feel insane

#I say 14 years cause I doubt that there’s many days since they met that they haven’t skyped or facetimed #like imagine having a love for someone so deep and genuine that you could admire them every day for years and still not get enough #he looks at phil like he could disappear at any moment so he needs to savor every last second #he’s already yours king you’re basically married #he’s not going anywhere I promise #dan and phil #dnp #dan and phil games #daniel howell #phil lester

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immortalarizona · 8 months

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listen. I have never watched Riverdale and never will. but that doesn’t mean I’m not sO FUCKING PISSED at the polycule ending.

I’m not mad about the polyamory (I would like to stress this point for anyone who wants to come after me for this post), I’m mad that Jughead Jones, one of, like, the two aroace characters in media people have actually maybe heard of (the other being Yelena Belova) is part of this romantic, sexual relationship.

he’s ace!!!

he’s aro!!!

and it fucking stings that the writers thought it was okay to erase that aroace rep when there’s next to none for us to begin with.

fuck your amatonormativity and fuck your queer erasure. we aspecs deserve better.

#“bUt aRi aTtrAcTioN iSn’T aCtiOn!!1! hE cOuLd sTiLL bE aRoAcE iN riVeRdaLe!1!11”#yeah I’m aware of that but I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT WAS WHAT THE WRITERS WERE GOING FOR #and do you fucking think your average allo is gonna read it that way even if it was???#also tbh I Do Not trust allo writers to tell that kind of story without perpetuatinflg erasure #can’t have shit in detroit I guess #tw aphobia #asexual #aromantic #aroace #riverdale #riverdale finale #aroace jughead #anti riverdale #fuck amatonormativity

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clownsuu · 1 year

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Small detour of what I usually post, but I absolutely wish (other) clown the best of luck during these confusing and almost hopeless times- nobody knows how to deal with such amount of attention in such short amount of time- a blessing and a curse to behold

#Seeing their posts absolutely shattered me #I may never be able to relate to how he’s going through rn but at least I can relate to the fear of living in absolute fear #the fear of unable to be yourself in your own home with creative and personal freedom #The fear of being terrified that the thing that gives you the most innocent happiness will be heavily demonized and threatened #The fear of getting caught doing something you love and being yourself with your found identity #The fear of destruction #I relate heavily to this and to feel you are going to be caught doing anything that isn’t a crime hurts #I wish him safety and love during these stressful days #He’s brought so much joy to my life that I must keep private irl too #Whatever he decides for the fandom I will fully support it #I will still continue posting of course unless he wishes otherwise #If he sees this (which I doubt) hey other clown lmao- you are loved and not alone #It may be scary but you are not alone- you will never be alone #There will always be people out there who love you and there will always be those who are not even worth giving time of day #The internet is both a blessing and a cruel cruel unforgiving place #I hope it doesn’t deter you from doing what you love and hold dear #I hope you have anyone you can be with online or in irl that can give you the comfort you need #You deserve peace and security #Do what you feel is best #Welcome home

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skitskatdacat63 · 7 months

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2023 Qatar Grand Prix - Sprint - Oscar Piastri

#not my best ever gifs i dont think BUT IM SOOOOO HAPPPYYYYYYYY!!!!!!#OSCAR P1!!!!!! OSCAR WIN!!!!!! OSCAR ROOKIE WIN LETS GOOOOO #i still cant believe it this is absolutely insane #i feel like i find myself saying this every week about oscar but wow #back in bahrain i could never have imagined him winning a race this year!! IN HIS ROOKIE SEASON!!!!#I was shocked when i woke up to see him have gotten pole in the shootout #AND THEN TO WATCH HIM WIN!!!! SOOOOOOO GOOD #Im so proud of him sob sob sob #again: throwbacl to me and dru talking abt the possibility of him podiuming or even winning #and i was like no way i doubt it with this car. nevermind :) ive never been so happy to be incorrect #WHERE IS MARK!??!!?!??!!? WHERE ARE YOU???? YOUR BOY JUST FUCKING WON!!!! WHERE IS THE HUG???? WHERE IS THE CONGRATS???#i swear to god if i check his insta and theres yet another animal vid on his story im going to kill the old man #HE WAS WANDERING AROUND THE GARAGE YESTERDAY FOR QUALI!! WHERE WAS HE TODAY AAAGHHHHHH #oscar piastri #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #2023 qatar grand prix #2023 qatar gp #we do a little bit of f1

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the-ships-to-rule-them-all · 3 months

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the level at which people are misusing the term "Never Again" in the far left absolutely infuriates me.

"Never Again" doesn't refer to the idea of no more genocides -- unfortunately people are evil and corrupt and seek scapegoats and destruction, there were genocides in the years following the Holocaust, there were genocides 10 years ago, there are multiple genocides going on as we speak

"Never Again" means we as Jews will pay attention to the warning signs, will not mindlessly allow antisemitism to fester and take over our communities, we will fight back. it means we will be proud. it means we will not let you hate us without a word of refusal.

"Never Again" is a warning for us, it is a reminder that what happened then can happen now -- is happening now. The Far Left doesn't get to use it against us. You don't get to turn our tragedies into hate-speech and antisemitic rhetoric.

Am Yisrael Chai

#abby speaks #that fucking NYT article made me rage so much #needed to get this out #if this somehow makes you pissed at me go ahead the unfollow button is right there #I have always said that Palestinians deserve a state and I have always believed that Israel has a right to exist #the lack of knowledge at these “protests” shocks me - people don't know which river or which sea; they don't know about the hostages #free gaza from hamas #we are allowed to mourn the “protests” started before we'd even had a chance to.#I will never ever forgive or forget the people that have made mourning still feel impossible #I am not about to sit here and say that the Israeli government is blameless #however if you didn't know that 1000s of Israeli have spent the past year protesting against Netenyahu's right wing government shut up #we need actual solutions; neither Israelis nor Palestinians are going anywhere #and you guys need to start calling out the antisemitism in your movement #I have my doubts on that actually happening and you'll never see me donate to a lot of these causes again #the goy left has lost my respect and my trust and now it only has my side-eye #sorry for the rant in the tags it's been an exhausting few months

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jemmo · 3 months

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Making sense of love for love's sake: the game

Despite all the things i absolutely adore about how the plot unravels and expands in love by love's sake, upon first watch, there's some things i couldn't piece together, which @lurkingshan echoes in their post:

'The way the author was messing with Myungha and forcing cruel choices on him really does not track with a desire to help him find happiness.'

And to preface, this is not something i fully get yet either. I think i'll need a good month and a sizeable reading list of relevant resources to understand just what/who this author/sunbae is and what his role is and how he is associated with myungha. But as always with the best shows for meta (aka bad buddy), as a plot unfolds, you can always find a better understanding by looking backwards and re-contextualising what you've already seen. so i watched ep 1, specifically the scene between myungha and his sunbae at the bar. And i will talk about how everything said in this scene has a whole new meaning now we know the full story, but for now i wanna focus on that question that they keep coming back to; "Then... will you change it for him?".

When you watch the show for the first time, your brain follows the simplest, most obvious version of the story you're being told, one where myungha has been pulled into the world of his sunbae's novel that's being turned into a game and given the opportunity to fix the thing he didn't like about it; making yeowoon happy, and thus you just think the rules of the game are imposed by the author, and so when these cruel choices first come up, you see them as the difficult roadblocks that are nevertheless necessary to any kind of game, forcing the player to make an impossible choice so that the game can continue in a certain direction and its only after that you learn whether it was the right choice or not, or there is no right choice, it simply changes the game you are playing.

And when its revealed what this game actually is, at first i tried to interpret these cruel choices, namely the choice between yeonwoon and myungha's grandma, and at best i could come up with the concept of this being a choice between staying stuck to the past aka choosing his grandma, even though he knows that choice doesn't mean she's safe bc he knows the future where he loses here, its an inevitability, but thats the small happiness he knew before it was taken away and thus that happiness is known and safe, theres no risk, versus choosing to pursue a new happiness, a love of yeowoon and thus himself, which he doesn't know, he hasn't experienced yet, and could be risky. Its a happiness that isn't guaranteed like his grandma, but its a happiness that looks to the future and has hope in it that he can find a new happiness to pursue despite what has happened in his past.

And that fits nice, okayish. But then i watched ep 1 and heard that question "Then... will you change it for him?" And watching through the rest of the eps, we come back to this scene at the bar and each time we get a new run up to the author asking this question, either new dialogue is added or we hear a different piece of the conversation entirely. It starts at the beginning of ep 1 as:

"Because Cha Yeowoon is the only one who's miserable." "It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile."

Then a bit later in ep 1 we go back and its expanded.

"It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile." "Why? Do you think you'd write it differently?" "Yes, definately. Someone like Cha Yeowoon, or someone like me with an awful life, can also be happy."

And then all the way on in ep 6, we get this new dialogue.

"I don't like talking about destiny." "Why?" "Because it means everything is predestined." "Then do you not believe in fate?" "Fate and destiny are the same. My grandma likes to say that. She said life is like a written book, and how you'll live and die are written in it. (...)I don't like things like this. Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." "Really? Then Myungha..."

And while we don't hear the author ask the same question, I feel like him getting cut off like that insinuates that the conversation leads to that same ending point. All that is to say, every time we hear this question being asked, its like we learn more and more about what this whole thing is, what the game is, what myungha is saying he will do by agreeing to do what the author asks. And every time, we see myungha being more defiant against the idea of yeowoon being resigned to his miserable ending. He starts off thinking that kind of life is destined, and while it's miserable, its not something he can fight. Then he says he'd want to write the story differently, bc yeowoon, or even him, could be happy. He challenges the idea that yeowoon, and thus himself, is fated to be miserable, and opens up the possibility for happiness for them both, but doesn't yet have the means or resolve to do it, its like he knows its possible on a fundamental level, but doesn't see it as something he can actually achieve. But then we circle back to the idea of destiny and books, both of which came up in the previous quote, and seems incredibly pertinent seen as this whole thing is about a novel this author has written. Myungha talks about how he hates the idea that life is a book where everything written is predestined to happen, from the moment you live to the moment you die. He says "Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." That vile way of life he described before that he said was destined, he is now saying it can be changed, and that possibility is now something he's holding onto, its what he sees hope in so that he can keep trying, bc now he finally is trying, he has the resolve, he's trying to realise this thing, this impossibility of rewriting the life he thought was destined through the way he loves yeowoon.

And coming back to those cruel choices, given this fresh context, it made me think. bc this isn't actually a game that myungha has been put into where the rules are dictated by an author completely separate from him. He said himself, he'd rewrite it, he'd change things for yeowoon. And when you start to think of it less as him fighting against a rigid, removed system and more like him being a character in a story he is trying to rewrite himself, that has both the author and his own limitations, or just his own if you're in the school of thought that the author is some figment or part of myungha himself or his conciousness, then you can start to see where these cruel choices might come from. They could be myungha, the author making edits to this new story, imposing his own doubts and limitations on himself. When he says he has to pick between Yeowoon and his grandma, what if that's the new author myungha seeing this story unfold and thinking no this isn't right, he can't have it all, i'm not deserving of this much happiness.

And what makes me like this idea even more is that when we get that second choice between ending after 14 days or getting 100 days back at the cost of resetting Yeowoon's affection to 0, that whole conversation happens in what I think the bar actually is which is this frozen moment in time where myungha is in the water with this extension of a voice in his head that is talking through these things. That conversation in itself needs its own post, but when you look at it both as a decision to break up or not or a decision to hold onto life or not, you can see how the author is just this soundboard relaying the decisions myungha is going through in his head. The author's voice is his own, weighing up his decisions. And if he is the author here, it only reinforces that the person making the rules of this game is him. You can even extend it further to the idea of the debuffs, where he puts in place this thing that makes it so he causes harm to yeowoon when he's around, and its only by garnering affection that he can prevent it. He gives himself a reason from the get go to stay away from yeowoon and reason it as him doing it for yeowoon's safety, when in fact the only way to make yeowoon safe is to increase his affection, which he can only do by being near him. Its a system that at first gives myungha a reason to stay away aka not like himself, but ultimately says the only way you're going to make yeowoon like you, or the only way you can like yourself, is if you accept risk. And that in itself screams to me of a myungha writing in these game systems that are trying to encourage his own-self love while falling at the hurdle of his own lack of self-worth.

The idea is still messy in my head even for me, but i just really like the idea that myungha could be trying to fix this thing both as a character and game master, and that both these versions of him have these flaws that manifest in their different ways to cause the events we see. It kinda is the definition of being your own worst enemy, the idea that in order to work towards loving yourself, the biggest obstacle you have to encounter is yourself, bc we are the ones holding ourselves back, making all these rules that make it harder to like ourselves and pursue our own happiness. The voices in our head telling us that we aren't good enough and aren't deserving are our own, and while the things that happen to us can inform what they say, we're the one's reinforcing those words. And what this show teaches us is that, if we're the one holding that pen all along, we can choose to change what those words are. If we make the rules, you don't have to create a game with concrete ultimatums, you can create a game where rules don't control you. Instead, you make the decisions, and you can make the ones that make you happy.

#wow look at me writing actual kinda thought out meta #also something something about how the pen being in his pocket wasnt a pen given to him by the author its a pen that was his the whole time #look even if this isnt the right interpretation as intended by the author i just kinda adore this headcanon ive come up with and i cant wai #to rewatch the show again through this lens and see if it holds up #i just adore the idea of this whole thing being this manifestation of a flawed doubtful person trying to navigate through their own messy #nonsensical thoughts to find their own happiness #bc yes thats what triggered me thinking of this whole thing. me seeing that post and thinking yeah that doesnt make sense7 #but then again when you tell yourself things an put your own mental blocks in the way they dont make sense either but you still have to fin #the ways to work around them in order to find happiness #like those things dont go away we just find the loopholes or the ways to overcome them that mean we can be happy #the game is your own mind - deal with your own existential crisis as you wish #anyway this is only part 1 in what i hope will be a very extensive meta analysis of this show - stay tuned #love for love's sake

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the-dragon-girl-27 · 2 months

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At this point its tradition I make these for every direct it is my duty and my curse

Here's one for all 2 of my followers who played this game:

What about the planet Elma, what about it.

#xenoblade #xenoblade chronicles #xenoblade chronicles X #elma xenoblade #lin xenoblade #doodle #meme art #of all games this one has a cliffhanger sequel bait i think about this one the most #like theres things like ff7r or kh3 but like i know those will eventually get explained #xenoblade x i honestly doubt we will ever get answers #anyway if you still have your Wii U laying around you should get this because Nintendo will never port it

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fromtheseventhhell · 10 days

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I also find it funny that fandom will only accept Lyanna being her non-conforming, wild self in the context of saying that Arya isn't meant to be pretty; Any other day we get back-to-back posts about how Lyanna is actually super traditionally feminine cause she sniffled at a song once, so she's actually more like Sansa. Instead of constantly speaking on Arya and Lyanna, how about you guys reflect on why your standards of beauty for women are attached to how well they perform feminity within the patriarchy?

#lyanna stark #arya stark #asoiaf #/Lyanna isn't actually pretty she was a wild tomboy/ Those two things are not mutually exclusive 😭#how you look is not a reflection of your personality and this is also a running theme within the story #we have morally good characters who are ugly and morally bad characters who are beautiful this is like...kindergarten level #Lyanna is idealized in terms of her personality hence /you saw her beauty but not the iron underneath/#and Ned correcting Robert when he said Lyanna wouldn't have shamed him like Cersei had #he's a very shallow misogynistic character and I truly doubt he would've been as attached to the idea of her without surface level beauty #reminds me of people saying that Olivia Hussey is a bad fancast for them because she has a /doll like/ beauty and they're /rougher/ 😭#as though their entire facial structure magically changed once they realized they enjoyed playing with swords instead of sewing sdksdkdsksd #it's giving that one tiktok with the /cat pretty vs doe pretty vs bunny pretty/#even if you wanted to make the case that her beauty is idealized in her death we get Arya described a pretty multiple times?#idk it's just so wild to me to use personality as an indication of looks it just sounds so stupid #Arya/Lyanna can still have /delicate/ features (which is extremely subjective) and still have a wild personality #how about we acknowledge that the perception of both of them is warped by strict patriarchal gender norms instead?#some real analysis just to shake things up idk

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cantagirldrawinpeace · 5 days

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Mf with academic validation issues who grew up in an emotionally neglectful family gets 1 compliment once

Save my boy Deuce 🩵🩵🩵

#one piece #masked deuce #marco the phoenix #whitebeard pirates #ace novel #one piece fancomic #many ppl (including myself) find it strange how quick Deu was to accept the Whitebeards since it seems very out of character for him #now I still think it is out of character buuut #imagine you’ve been torn down socially by your bother your whole life #and your parents wanted for both of you to be doctors but he was a protogy and you were just okay #so you were torn into by all of them for that #and ran away because of it #and now you’ve been the makeshift doctor on a pirate crew for around a year. you’re having the best time but you still doubt your own skill #and then your captain gets kidnapped and you go after him #but you get kidnapped too. and you are put to work in the infirmary under one of the best doctors in the world #and then he compliments your work and he’s apparently hes a professional older brother and wants to mentor you and and and uhhhhhg #anyway Deuce’s lil sarcasm shell is very fragile and I feel like one genuine compliment could make him break down #one piece fanart #my art #op deuce #one piece deuce #marco one piece #haruta one piece #novel ace #ace novel one piece #one piece comic #digital fanart #digital sketch #art #sketch

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jacksprostate · 4 months

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Before Project Mayhem, before fight club, before Marla, before Tyler — there is still one sad sack of shit.

The hard part about work trips isn't making the plane or seeing another family of five burnt into their leather seats. It's missing support groups.

See, if you're lucky, the company will send you out to a major city. Cities are great. A little advanced work to find a slightly below average church or library, you're set each night you're there.

It's a bit of novelty, getting to be a new face all at once. People assume you've just been diagnosed. It's never the failed treatments, the degradation of their life and everyone in it, the continuous experience of knowingly dying — none of those things are the worst thing that happens to you.

It's finding out they will.

So people cry. They crowd around, I sob like I've been told I've got stage four colon cancer and three weeks to live. We all cry. I sleep soundly on the plane back or in the nice, four star hotel my company provides me.

Flying out to a small town, though. I'll be awake enough to be hallucinating by the time I get back for Remaining Men Together. The only mercy is that the next time I show for all the groups I missed, I can see who thought I died. I get to be resurrected.

The other part about small towns, you have to take a second, shitter plane to a local airfield, or you have to take a rental car. One of the most popular rental cars available right now, it'll light itself on fire if you use the cruise control at the wrong time. I know this because I sat next to another guy with my job, who worked for a different company, and he said I'll show you mine if you show me yours. So I told him about the faulty airbags, and he told me about the overheating switch.

I prefer to avoid driving.

All the rental place at the airport has left for me, it's one of those flaming cars. I use cruise control. If I don't, one of my narcoleptic spells will send me into the Jersey barrier.

When you drive into these small towns, you have to try to pay attention, or you'll end up a county over talking about the wrong wreck. They're otherwise interchangeable, but the miles on your rental car won't line up and those are the type of records that might get pulled out when the company is finally sued for the big one ten years down the line.

As a result, I see the same decor on the way in every time. Meth lab. Abandoned homes. Garbage fire. Classic Americana. There is no four star hotel here; I sleep the same.

The only reason I've been brought out here is because the poor shithead who drove his truck into the ditch drunk was driving my company's flagship vehicle. It loses power steering if the car jostles the right way going above 55 miles per hour. I've been told to keep track of potential incidents and make sure the company can firmly claim it's not at fault.

We've had this problem for decades, and we will for many more. Sometimes, everything is falling apart.

The job is simple, and I only get tempted by the town's blatant opioid addiction for a day and night. Painkillers would probably make me sleep. The thing about being a recall campaign organizer, though, is like recognizes like. It's not only other Compliance and Liability guys who tell you company secrets while sharing the aisle in business class.

When I'm finally back in my own town, after my own support groups, after crying my eyes out into Bob's meaty middle — I pick up my mail. There's the newest IKEA magazine. Half of it looks like shit. The type of thing you'd only see in some curated art deco, modernist, post-modern traditionalist bohemian minimalist apartment.

I have to have it.

I go to sleep, hard, like God himself tucked me in. I sleep with my wallet net four hundred heavier, because even an IKEA spree tends not to outweigh a work trip. I sleep, with my called in IKEA goods only two short weeks away, my job well done, and I know, my life is complete.

#fight club #my writing #KEY INFO: this is Before Tyler #bit experimental as a result. how to peel away some of the narratorisms but have him still be the narrator? how to make him complacent #like a wisconsin dairy cow but still have undertones of extreme conscious and subconscious distress?#all car faults mentioned are real #ford had an overheating cruise control switch #and some other overheating fire switches #and jeep. i know because i knew a guy with a jeep — they randomly lose pwoer steering sometimes #horrific and scary and potentially deadly in any car — but jeeps have this known and bizzarely widely accepted flaw called the death wobble #which refers to the oscillations that rapidly feed on each other if the car is slightly out of tune #and can result in tearing the steering wheel from your hands #until you slow down #for some reason that's just accepted.#theres a lot of jeep propaganda #anyway you combine those two #you get the picture #i dont doubt theres been incidents even if there hasnt been major recalls lol #i hope this one comes across well... it's always strange to explore an almost hypothetical version of a character. the narrator where Tyler #is just a growing little menace in his head....#I think what made this one fun for me though is the narrator would still be pretty openly bleak I think but the SUBCONSCIOUS stuff.#especially all the stuff I implied at the end. very fun to write #and it was also just fun to lay down the like.... seeds. of things #this is before Tyler in the sense that it's before he was well cooked. Before they met. Etc. Pretty early into the support groups. But yk #he is sleeping.

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