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bangtanloverboys · 3 years

Text

something sick & twisted (i) // jjk

summary - all your life you considered yourself to be a good kid. you got good grades, went to church every sunday, didn’t go to any parties. you did anything you could to keep yourself on the path to heaven, even if it meant hiding some of the darkest parts of you to yourself. that was how you lived until one day, your no-good roommates decided to take you up to an abandoned cabin in the woods, where you begin to feel yourself corrupt from the inside out

pairing - demon!jungkook x church boy!reader

genre - suspense, smut

word count - 11.4k

warnings - internalized homophobia, catholic guilt, reader is a bit of a straight edge, kinda incubus!jungkook but also not really?, toxic friendships, drugs use (marijuana), driving while intoxicated/high, head injury, hospitals, kinda unconsensual touching?, clubbing, alcohol consumption, kitty gang!jimin shows up, sex dream, blowjob, paranoia, sleep deprivation, (former) youth group leader!namjoon, homophobic parents, masturbation, shame, lot’s of conflicted feelings, voyeurism, some degradation, slight man handling, name calling, spit as lube/improper prep (please don’t do that), loss of virginity, dom!jungkook, sub!reader, top!jungkook, bottom!reader, gay sex, unprotected sex (also don’t do that), non-explicitng praying during sex (um), crying during sex, kinda dacryphilia, marking, accidental selling of the soul

author’s note - the infamous gay demon jungkook is here. . . and here’s here to fuck shit up. i would like to note that if you are religious, i do not recommend reading this. @tipsydipsydo since you asked to be tagged. . . hope you enjoy also big shout out to @crazy4myself for being my beta for this ily

part ii

All throughout your life, you knew there was something off about you. You could never figure out what it was exactly, but you knew you weren’t like the other boys at your church. It got even more apparent when you started school. You don’t know what it was as you’d play in the dirt, on the field, on the playground with all the other guys; goofing around and having fun. But there was just a piece of you that knew you couldn’t relate to them, entirely.

One day, you were walking past the swingset where a couple of girls were whispering amongst themselves. Curious, you circled around them to get a bit closer. Being as careful as possible, you were able to get close enough to hear them.

“I think Lucas is the cutest boy in class!”

“No! He’s not!”

“It’s Lucas! And I’m gonna marry him, he’s gonna be my boyfriend one day.”

You were taken aback by their conversation. Not because they were talking about boys, but because they were wrong. The cutest boy in your class was Eric, the boy who sat next to you during reading time and always read Percy Jackson. You’d peer over the edge of your own book to watch his eyes wildly follow the lines on the paper. Sure you lost points for not reading the required amount of pages you were supposed to, but it was worth it.

It wasn’t until the following Sunday that you learned it was wrong.

You sat in horror as the preacher talked about how boys liking other boys was wrong and that they were going to burn in Hell. Shame burned deep in your soul as he continued to talk about how much God hated queer folk. If God hated homosexuals. . . did He hate you too? Looking at your parents, you saw them nod in agreement. Did they hate you too?

After that mass, you made a point not to sit next to Eric anymore. Not that he noticed anyways, he wasn’t exactly your friend. Every night, you prayed to God begging Him not to hate you. To change you, to understand that you didn’t want to be that way. But every day, you still woke up the same.

It wasn’t until you were in a middle school sex ed class that homosexuality was brought up again. The teacher asked the class what they homosexuality was. Prepared with what you had learned from church, you raised your hand proudly, ready to answer. When she called on you, you answered that it was a sin. Within an instant the class erupted into gasps. The teacher gave you a pitiful smile before telling you that it wasn’t a sin and there was nothing inherently wrong with it.

That Tuesday afternoon, you swore the sun shined a little brighter. If it wasn’t wrong, then maybe God didn’t hate you! He loved everyone, maybe the gay thing was a mistake and He did love you! You weren’t going to burn in Hell! When you got home from school and your parents asked you what you learned, you eagerly responded with what the teacher said that being gay wasn’t a sin and that it was okay. The joy you felt earlier melted away into fear as you watched your parents’ faces harden. Your mom stood up from the dinner table, saying she needed to make a call. Leaving you alone with your father, who talked with you for the next 30 minutes about how that teacher was wrong and that you should never ever be gay. You were transferred out of that school.

Years passed and you buried those thoughts and feelings deep inside. You locked it away in a little box and threw away the key. God loved you and He wouldn’t make you gay. . . But it didn’t make sense as to why you were.

Knowing your mortal sin, you did everything in your power to make up for it. To prove to Him that you were never going to act on your desire and be the child of God you were: you prayed every night before bed, went to church every Sunday with your family, attended every Youth Group field trip; you never swore, drank, smoked, partied. Nothing. You were the picture perfect child to the picture perfect family.

You even had a girlfriend! Although not for very long. Her name was Aera, one of if not the most beautiful girls in school. You dated her for a few months before it ended abruptly. You took her to Senior Prom and when you were driving home, she got rather. . . handsy. By the time you parked, she all but pounced on you. Straddling you, she kissed you feverishly. You sat there frozen, not knowing what to do as her hand traveled down south, where you were still soft in your pants. After a few minutes of you not responding, she pulled away, eyebrows furrowed.

“Are you gay or something?”

“No!” You blurted out, “I-I’m just not ready!”

“Well when are you gonna be ready? It’s been 3 months and I’ve been hinting at it for weeks! Hell, that was the first time we even kissed!” She exclaimed as she pulled herself off of you.

“I-I want to wait until marriage,” you muttered, the excuse falling flat on your tongue. It was true though, you wanted to wait for marriage and wait for the right person. But if you were honest with yourself, that wasn’t the entire reason.

Rolling her eyes at you, she told you to call her when you weren’t gonna be such a prude. You didn’t call her back.

The remainder of your time at highschool, you didn’t date. Claiming to be too busy studying and your parents didn’t mind. They liked the idea of a studious son, they were proud of it also. Bragging to the other people at your parish on how you never did anything bad, like most of the other kids at your school. The closer you got to graduation, the more they started suggesting Catholic colleges and Universities nearby that either they went to or thought were good schools; but you didn’t want those. You wanted to go to school in a different place, meet and see new people. It took a bit of cooperation, but you were finally able to convince your parents to let you go to a regular college as long as you held up to three rules: stay on top of your school work, don’t go out partying, and most importantly, go to church.

All of which you managed pretty fine; you were only at college to get an education, nothing more and nothing less. For the past 3 years, those rules still held up and your past roommates were pretty understanding of them and respected your space.

That was until you got two new roommates, Taehyung and Soekjin, who made an unending game of trying to get you to abandon those rules. A few weeks into the semester, they seemed to have dropped the issue, or so you had thought.

One night, you were running late for an evening Saturday mass. You’d accidentally missed church last Sunday and it was nearing the weekend and this was the only time you felt you could make it up. It was by mere coincidence that your roommates were also going out that night and offered to drop you off. Relief flooded through you as you accepted the offer, they finally seemed to have learned to respect you. The three of you climbed into Seokjin’s car and you were off. A few minutes go by and you spotted the church in the windshield, and got ready for them to turn into the parking lot. Only the turn wasn’t never made.

“Uh, guys? You passed it.” You questioned, gesturing to the building that was slowly shrinking into the distance. Looking up, you saw both of them grinning at each other.

Seokjin made eye contact with you in his rearview mirror. “We know.”

Turning in his seat to face you, Taehyung began to speak. “We just thought that you should be spending your Saturday night doing something fun! You’re almost 21 and you’re still following your parents' rules. Live a little.”

“Those-those aren’t my parents’ rules, I willingly want to go?!” Your explanation fell on deaf ears as Taehyung shifted back in his seat to face the front. He opened up the center console, digging around until he pulled out a plastic baggie with two neatly rolled joints. “What are you-”

Before the question even fully left your mouth, he took one of them out and to his lips. Pulling a lighter from his pockets, he lit the joint. He took a deep inhale before facing you again. “Wanna hit?” Blowing the a thick cloud of smoke in your face.

“No-!” Your shout was cut off with a cough as you accidentally inhaled the smoke. “Turn around now. I’m not comfortable with this!”

“Relax, dude. We’re almost there.” Seokjin chimed in as Taehyung passed the joint to him, his eyes never leaving the road as he took a hit. “You’ve done nothing but study and church, study and church. The school year is almost over and you haven’t done anything!”

“Because I didn’t want to do anything else, now where are we going?!” You were close to screaming as you looked out the windows, seeing nothing but trees and wilderness surrounding the road. You felt like your heart was about to beat out of your chest. “Turn around please!”

“Okay dude, you seriously need to chill.” Taehyung scoffed, blatantly ignoring your pleas. “Either take a hit, or shut up.”

Tears that welled up in your eyes burned as you blinked them back. There were many things you allowed Taehyung and Seokjin to get away with so far: you never bagered them about the smoking or the drinking, or coming home late and intoxicated. In fact, there was more than enough occasion where you’d walk in on them either giving or receiving sexual acts to both women and men alike! You’d ignore the burn in your cheeks and the dark twist in your gut as you slammed the door shut. You respected them and their choices, you had hoped they would do the same for you. But you had thought wrong.

Helpless in the situation, you bit your tongue. Your hand immediately went to the cross that hung around your neck, trying to find any comfort for your current situation. Closing your eyes, you began to pray. Praying for God to do anything to help you get out of this car and back home. Yet nothing happened. You knew God worked in mysterious ways, but you really needed a miracle right about now and the lack of one wasn’t making your chances look any brighter.

Fifteen minutes had passed when the car finally stopped. Opening your eyes, you saw the headlights shine onto the front of an old hunting cabin. You watched as Taehyung stubbed out the joint on the leather of the seat, adding onto the several other burn marks along the edge of the seat.

“We’re here.” Seokjin announced as he opened his door, stepping out into the cool night air, the smoke curling around him.

You remained seated in the car, refusing to move.

“Come on, Y/N! We promise it’s nothing too bad.” Taehyung whined. “We just want to show you this, then we’ll take you back to the dorm.”

Taking a deep breath, you met his eyes. “Promise?”

“Scouts honor,” he responded, pressing his hand over his heart.

“Five minutes,” was all you said as you climbed out of the car. Taehyung let out a little cheer as you took in the sight of the cabin before you. The front windows appeared to be broken and the deck looked half rotted away. Despite all the clear evidence pointing to it being abandoned, you felt like something was staring at you from inside. Whatever it was, it clearly wasn’t friendly.

“Alright, let’s go.” Taehyung giddily rubbed his hands together as Seokjin turned on his phone's flash.

Taking careful steps, you all made your way up to the front door that was creaking as it swang idly in the door frame. The feeling of being watched only grew stronger the longer you stood on the front step. Seokjin pushed the door completely open, shining his phone light inside. From the small light, you caught glimpses of red spray paint and taxidermied deer heads on the walls. He took a couple steps forward, Taehyung following close behind. You were about to take your step in, but Seokjin’s phone flashed over some of the graffiti, revealing several pentagrams and demonic looking symbols sprayed all over the walls. You froze in the doorway, your mind and body refusing to step foot near unholy imagery.

“Get in here!” Taehyung grabbed your wrist, trying to drag you into the cabin by force.

“No. You showed me the freaky house. Take me home.” You resisted his grip, but unfortunately he was stronger than you and pulled you in. As you stumbled in, you heard a loud crunch underfoot. Flinching, you slowly lifted your foot to see the broken fragments of what looked like an animal skull. Feeling the scream coming, you slapped your hand over your mouth in an attempt to muffle it.

Seokjin scoffed at your reaction. “It’s already dead, not like you can hurt it anymore.”

The tears you’d been holding back for so long began to blur your vision as you glared at him. Fed up with your roommates’ behavior, you turned on your heel, ready to walk back out towards the way you came. You did not want to spend another second in the demonic household, but Taehyung stepped in front of you, preventing you from leaving.

“Nothing is going to come grab you, bro. There’s nothing’s gonna happen.” As if on cue, one of the mounted deer heads fell to the ground, startling you. “Okay maybe stuff is gonna fall because shit’s old as hell. But isn’t this place cool? Seokjin and I heard some of our classmates talk about this place and we wanted to check it out.”

“Yeah, some years ago some kids tried summoning a demon and they started doing messed up shit, like they had no conscience whatsoever.” Seokjin explained as he looked closer at the symbols on the wall. “They got locked up before anything could do anything worse, but they all blamed it on the demon they summoned. Telling them to give into their dark desires.” As he talked, you felt Taehyung standing closer behind you. Almost uncomfortably close. “And according to them, the demon is still around, still at this house.”

“If you’re trying to scare me, it’s not funny. Can we leave now?” You could feel Taehyung practically breathing down your neck, causing heat to crawl over your body. Every bone in your body was telling you to run, but with Taehyung right behind you, you know he’d grab you and keep you here even longer.

Rustling on the other side of the room had your eyes snap over. There stood Taehyung, poking at the fallen deer head with his foot. A strange mix of relief and fear washed over your body. If Taehyung was over then who was standing behind you?

Your brain tried to rationalize the situation. Perhaps you were on edge and imagining things, the stuff about demons getting to your head. Or maybe you were contact high from being trapped in that car for so long. No matter how many rational solutions you came up with, none of them felt right. You felt the presence get closer to you, hot air brushing against the shell of your ear like someone was breathing right on it; the faintest touch of lips grazing against your skin.

“Boo.”

You let out a blood curdling scream as you whipped your body around, throwing your arms about in an attempt to shake off the heated presence that remained attached to your body. You heard the concern calls of Seokjin and Taehyung, trying their best to calm you down. Ignoring them, you bolted out the door, ready to make your way back towards the car and away from this place forever. As you bounded across the deck, you hit a weak spot. The rotted wood giving away to your weight, before you knew it, the world went dark.

The next thing you knew you were lying down on a bed, machines beeping beside you and antiseptics filled your senses. You were in a hospital. In seconds it all started coming back to you: your roommates, the cabin, the paranoia, the presence. All coupled with a painful throbbing in your skull, reminding you of how you got there.

Peeling your eyes open, it was bright and blurry; you were able to make out two figures on the other side of the room. They must’ve noticed you waking up because you heard hushed comments and a set of footsteps left the room. Before you knew it, Taehyung appeared overhead. “H-hey Y/N, you with us?”

“What happened?” You muttered.

“You hit your head running out- listen, the doctor-”

“He’s finally awake!” A female voice cut him off, directing both of your attention to her. “Hey Y/N, I’m Dr. Lee. How’s your head?”

“Hurts. How long was I out?” You questioned as the world got more into focus. Glancing out the window, you could see the sky was still dark so it couldn’t have been too long. . . unless it’s been longer than that.

“Only a few hours,” the doctor reassured you with a smile. “Your friends here said you took a tumble at a party, right?”

Your eyes darted to Tae and Jin, who were behind the doctor silently pleading for you to go along with it. They knew what they did was wrong, seeing as they technically kidnapped you. They put your life at risk. They deserved to face the consequences of their actions, you technically could sue them. But then the face of your parents came into view. You knew that if you fessed up about them driving high and taking you to some demonic abandoned cabin, you’d never hear the end of it. You couldn’t tell the truth. You’ve never lied before, and the mere thought of it had you feeling worse than your already pounding head.

“Right.” Your voice was flat. Behind Dr. Lee, you saw Seokjin and Tae quietly sing your praises as you lied to her, feeling sick to your stomach.

“Gotcha. Good news is your ankle isn’t sprained or broken, but considering your head injury we’d like to keep you overnight for observation.” She explained. “Your friends are more than welcome to stay-”

“No!” You cut her off. Dr. Lee gave you a bewildered look. “Sorry, it’s just. We’re roommates and maybe I can get some sleep.” You chuckled, to which she seemed to understand. After a few more minutes of checking you up, she told you a nurse would be around with some meds for you then bid you goodbye, leaving you alone with Taehyung and Seokjin once again.

“Hey man, you’re a real one-”

“Just go. I’m tired.” You huffed. While you doubted you’d get any sleep, you wanted to be alone. You needed to process what happened in that cabin and you didn’t need the two buffoons who brought you there to freak you out about it more. Plus, Seokjin snored so a quiet night away from the dorm was more than ideal, it doesn't matter that it’s spent in a hospital.

Nodding, they said goodbye, mentioning that they’ll pick you up in the morning. Door closed, you let out a sigh of relief. Finally alone, you leaned back onto the hospital bed, all the energy draining from your body. You figured that while you were waiting for a nurse to drop off your meds, it wouldn’t hurt resting your eyes a bit.

However the rest you received wasn’t exactly restful or comfortable; the dry sheets itching at your exposed skin and a sticky heat crawling down your back. Shifting in the bed, you tried to ignore it, thinking it could possibly be the IV going through your body. The heat only grew though, inching all over your body. As the heat moved, it slowly felt more like. . . hands? Was someone touching you? You laid still, trying to gauge if someone else was in the room with you. Yet you heard nothing; no breathing, no rustling of clothing, nothing. Yet you felt someone was in the room with you and was touching you.

The heat made its way along the front of your torso, circling its way over your pelvic bone. The invisible hands dragged their way over until they rested right above your dick. You held your breath, wanting this sick nightmare to be over. The heart monitor you were connected to was beeping speedily as the unseen fingertips started to drop lower and lower. You could feel the large palm of the hand begin to press against you, causing all the blood in your body to rush towards your cock. This had never happened before. You weren’t sure if you hated it or wanted it to continue. You didn’t move though, your body frozen in a silent dilemma of letting it happen or opening your eyes and confronting the person touching you.

Opposite side of the room, you heard the door click and suddenly the heat left you. Your eyes snapped open, finding a nurse with a tray of medication in hand. Your head swung about the room, but you saw no one else.

“Sorry if I woke you, I have your meds.” The nurse chuckled. You felt your heart was still racing but the monitor's rhythmic beat was unphased as she approached you. She couldn’t have been that much older than you, you noted. She also seemed to be very peppy for the late hour; but you welcomed it, liking her cheerful attitude as a small distraction. She handed you a small cup of colorful capsules, explaining which ones were which and a bottle of water.

“Thank you,” you responded after you downed the meds, gulping down the water. After that strange dream? Hot flash? your body welcomed the cool liquid.

“It’s no problem,” the nurse reassured as you handed her back the small plastic cup. “If you need anything else, press this button right here.” She pointed to the remote that was tucked in the side of the bed, the button labeled NURSE, as she made her way towards the door.

“Got it.” You nodded. Laying back against the pillow, you shut your eyes. But you could still feel someone was in the room. Unsure if the nurse had left yet, you peeked out of one eye to see if you were alone and you were. You chalked it up to residual paranoia from the dream, but you still felt watched. Closing your eyes again, you muttered a prayer under your breath. You prayed for God to give you a speedy recovery, and for Him to give you a sense of peace from the evening's events. After that, you were able to sleep a bit more easily, yet you still felt a presence in the corner of the room watching you.

A few days have passed since the cabin incident as you’ve dubbed it, and you haven’t spoken much to either Taehyung or Seokjin since they picked you up from the hospital after you received a clean bill of health. Which was an awfully hard task, considering you all shared a dorm. But it was needed. Sooner the semester got over the sooner you’d never have to see them again.

Unfortunately the strange hot presence you felt at the hospital came with you, always crawling around the back of your neck. You swore you could hear it whispering in your ear sometimes, making you think of things you never in a million years would do. You’d find yourself staring at the half empty bottles of alcohol that Seokjin and Taehyung would leave around the room, imagining yourself drinking them and getting drunk. Or late at night right after you said your nightly prayer, your mind would flash back to one of the many times you walked in on Taehyung going down on some guy you remember seeing on campus; you’d imagine yourself in Taehyung’s place. On your knees, your mouth stuffed full of-

You’d manage to catch yourself before your mind wandered a bit too far. It was like the angel and devil on your shoulder; only your angel was missing, leaving you alone with the devil, telling you to give in to your darkest desires.

The thoughts not only plagued your mind when you were awake but when you slept as well. You were never even able to fully remember the dream in its entirety but you were always able to remember the heat that engulfed your entire body and a dark pair of eyes, staring deep into you. You could still feel the eyes on you when you’d wake in the middle of the night, your dick hard and begging to cum. One time, you were unconsciously grinding into your mattress, and you knew how close you were. It was so tempting to give in and let yourself go, the eyes still freshly seared into your mind. But you couldn’t. It was dirty and wrong. With tears in your eyes, you silently prayed to be free of the torment.

The morning of your twenty-first birthday rolled around. It was a Friday, you had nothing to really do that day. Peeling your eyes open, you stared up at Taehyung’s bed above you, not wanting to look down because you already knew what would happen if you looked. Unfortunately, you’re getting used to waking up with an nearing on painful morning wood, you have begun a routine of cold showers in the morning, not wanting your roommates to see you. Gathering your things, you made your way to the showers. Maybe if the water gets cold enough, it’ll freeze the hot presence that’s attached itself to you. You think that every time you take the shower, and still as soon as you leave the icy shower, the heat creeps right back up your body.

By the time you return to your dorm, Seokjin and Taehyung are awake; Taehyung still sitting in his bunk, legs dangling over the side. When you pushed open the door, he met your eyes and a boxy smile grew on his face.

“Ay, there he is! Man of the hour! Happy birthday, dude!” He cheered as you dropped your pajamas into your dirty laundry.

“Thanks,” you sighed as you laid back down on your bed, pulling out your phone.

“You gonna do anything today?” Seokjin asked.

You shrugged, you didn’t really have any plans. You didn’t have many friends on campus, one of the many sacrifices you made for focusing on your education. Then with your parents living a few hours away, it was unlikely you’d be able to celebrate with them. Your parents didn’t like drinking anything other than a glass of wine at dinner. Having tasted wine already multiple times each time you had communion, you don’t think you’d have a good time.

“You’re not doing anything for your 21st? You’re a full on legal adult, and you’re not gonna do anything?”

“Yeah, let us treat you to something.” Jin offered. “See it as a way for us to repay you for. . . you know.” He added on, not so subtly referencing the start of your constant mental torture.

You opened your mouth to decline, but the words that came out were: “Sure, why not.”

The statement had both you and your roommates frozen in shock. You can’t believe you agreed to that, you want to be mad. You want to be angry and take it back, but the words don’t come out, stuck in the back of your throat. Tae and Jin ignore your state of shock and let out a cheer, happy that you finally agreed to do something quote-unquote not lame.

The entire rest of the day you tried to figure out a way to cancel on them; making up a phone appointment with your mother, a test coming up, a book you wanted to read. Ever since the night where you lied to the doctor, you’ve found lying a bit easier and it was something else added onto your growing list of sins. But the voice in the back of your head told you that they were small, innocent lies. They shouldn’t have that big of any consequence, right?

They dismissed each and every excuse you threw at them, adamant that they were going to give you the best birthday ever. When you refused to get ready, Seokjin all but threw some of your nice Sunday clothes at you after pulling them from your dresser. With no other choice, you let it happen. Best case scenario, they take you to some bar and they’ll buy you something strong that’ll make you sick in minutes, forcing the night to end there. Alas, it didn’t appear they were taking you to a bar.

No, they were taking you to a new club that had just opened that weekend downtown. The three of you waited a near hour in line outside the building before getting let in. Once inside, it looked just as one would expect a club to look. Colorful lights danced across the overly crowded room, the bass of the music thumping loud in your ears. You hated yourself for agreeing to going in the first place, yet that twisted part in you was intrigued by it all. Several times you caught yourself staring at the couples as you passed by them. They didn’t seem to care, too wrapped up in their own pleasure to notice you.

Taehyung and Seokjin led you straight to the bar, where they called for the attention of one of the bartenders, who looked like he would rather be anywhere else.

“What can I get for you?” He asked, shouting a bit over the loud music.

“It’s his 21st! Got anything you’d recommend?” Taehyung raised his eyebrows, obviously hoping that maybe it would lower the price on the drinks you’ll order.

Shifting his attention to you, the bartender asked, “What do you like?”

“Uhh, something easy?” You shrugged, having no idea what to do or say. You were way out of your element.

The bartender blinked at you for a moment. “I’ll make you a Long Island Iced Tea.”

You leaned over to Seokjin beside you. “Is that a good one?”

He didn’t really give you a response, as his eyes were locked on the crowd. Following his gaze, you saw he’d made eye contact with a girl on the dance floor, and was slowly inching in that direction. Rolling your eyes, you turned to face Taehyung again, but he wasn’t there anymore. Glancing around, you found him grinding on the ass of a guy.

You whipped your head back in front of you, just in time for the bartender to give you your drink. Before you could take it, he asked for your card to pay for the drink. With both Seokjin and Taehyung occupied, it gave you no other choice than to pull out your debit card and hand it over to him with a sigh. So much for it being their treat.

You don’t move from your place at the bar, sipping your drink as you observe the people around you indulge themselves. After a while, you slowly got used to your surroundings. The boom of the music didn’t shake you to your core, and the drink you’d ordered wasn’t all that bad. However, you began to feel the familiar sticky heat surround you accompanied by the sensation of someone watching you.

Turning away from your drink you stared into the sea of people. With the low lighting and the constant movement, it was difficult to make out anything in particular but something compelled you to continue to stare into the crowd. It was hard to see in the dark, but eventually you spotted who was staring at you and it was a pair of eyes you never thought you’d see wide awake. Leaning against the wall, was a young man, not much older than you, dressed head to toe in red. His long dark hair was slicked back, fully exposing his eyes to you. The same dark eyes you see every night when you go to bed. The air was sucked from your lungs as you gawked at him, unsure of what to do. When you had met his gaze, he didn’t turn around or play coy, only continued to watch you with heavy lidded eyes. With a smirk playing on his lips, he winked at you before vanishing behind a group of people.

You couldn’t believe what you just saw. The eyes from your dream staring right at you, ready to devour you at any given moment. It had to be the alcohol, no. You were drunk and seeing things. Can you see things when you’re drunk? Or was that a drugged thing? Either way, you couldn’t have seen those eyes. They weren’t real, they were some sort of strange figment of your imagination.

A tap on your shoulder jerked you out of your spiral. Turning, an extremely beautiful man stood before you; his faded pink hair perfectly tousled, and a smirk pulling on his plump lips.

“Hey cutie,” his voice was low as he placed his hand on your knee. You froze. Never once in your life has a man ever flirted with you. You were unsure how fast your heart was beating or if it was even still beating at all. “How’re you doing tonight?”

“I- uh, good.” You stuttered out. Was the music getting louder? “H-how are you?”

“Oh what a gentleman,” he purred as his hand crawled up your thigh, his touch was burning. Almost like it was searing into your skin. “I’m doing good. Thank you. . . What are you doing here tonight, hmm?”

“It’s-It’s my birthday.”

“Oooh,” that seemed to intrigue him even more. “Then, why don’t you let me say happy birthday?” His hand was now dangerously close to your dick, already growing harder against your slacks.

If your face wasn’t already red, it certainly was now, your cheeks burning as the beautiful man’s gaze flickered down. The voice in your head grew louder, telling you to give in. To let it happen, to indulge yourself in a little sin. You opened your mouth, but before the words were able to come out, you slapped your hand over your mouth.

The action startled the man in front of you, giving you a puzzling look. “Hey if you don’t want to-”

You don’t let him finish. You scrambled off your seat and made your way towards the exit, not caring that your roommates were still in the building. You needed to get as far away from the club as possible.

It took a couple hours, but you walked all the way back to campus, not even really caring that you should’ve ordered an Uber. You needed penance, that walk was going to serve at it. You couldn’t believe yourself for what had happened. The small sliver of you that wanted it, that wanted to accept the stranger’s offer. You wanted to throw up, you were so disgusted with yourself. You didn’t deserve an Uber home, you deserved to walk home.

It was nearing 3 am by the time you reached your dorm, you weren’t even sure if Tae and Jin were back yet. You didn’t really care, all you could think about was the aching in your feet and how badly you wanted to sleep. Throwing off your shoes, you flopped into your bunk, not bothering to change out of the nice clothes you were in.

Alas, even in the world of dreams you couldn’t escape. You dreamt of the beautiful pink haired stranger, his plump lips wrapped around your cock. Mind muddled with lust, you bucked into his mouth, you couldn’t take it anymore. You needed release. You were so close to it too, it was only a matter of seconds. The stranger around your dick met your eyes, and you could feel your gut twist in knots. Overwhelmed, you turned to face the wall, not wanting to see what you knew would happen next. Instead of meeting the wall, you’re face to face with the man and his dark eyes that have been haunting you. A choked moan slipped past your lips, unable to divert your eyes away from his.

“Look at him.” A voice rang in your head. While you did not recognize it, you knew it came from the man. “Look at him while you cum.”

Compelled to follow the order, you glanced down to the pink haired stranger just as the knot in your stomach snapped, shooting your cum into his soft warm mouth. Tears pricked at your eyes as waves of pleasure washed over you. Lewds slurps echoed in the room as he gulped down your release. He pulled himself off you with an obscene pop.

“Naughty boy.”

You awoke with a start, breathing so hard it felt like you had run 10 miles. The sun shining out your window and the snoring of your roommates had you sighing, it was a dream. It wasn’t real. Moving to sit up, you notice the crotch of your pants are wet. Cringing, you pushed your cover away to reveal a dark circle of wetness in your nice pants. Your eyes welled up as you got up, gathering fresh clothes as quickly as you could, rushing towards the bathroom.

Dressed in clean clothes, you stared yourself down in the mirror, disgusted with what you’ve become. You used to be so. . . good. Yet ever since that night, that stupid night at that cabin, something has changed you. Because ever since, you felt that heat attached itself to you, you’ve felt dirty and gross. No matter how many times you showered, you’ll never be clean of it.

Unsure what else to do or where to go, you found yourself walking the few blocks to your church. Pulling open the heavy doors, you stepped into the chapel. Usually when you go to church, regardless if there is mass or not, you feel all the tension leave your body. Not this time. It felt like it wound up even tighter.

You walked past all the pews until you were in front of the altar. Quietly as you could, you tugged the pew kneeler down. Kneeling down, you pressed your hands together, you squeezed your eyes shut, and you prayed. You prayed to God that He’ll forgive you for what you’ve become and for Him to free you of this horrible nightmare that you’ve been living in. You begged Him to deliver you from the sin of your own thoughts. As you prayed, the heat that you’ve grown all too familiar with creeped along your neck, like it was mocking you. Telling you that no matter how much you prayed, or how much you wished to be free, you could never escape it.

The following weeks, you made every point to avoid sleep and those dreams. You’d stay up hours past the usual time you fall asleep, even up longer than Seokjin and Tae who already stayed up pretty late. You’d stay up reading, completing assignments and studying for tests that weren’t going to happen for a while. The only sleep you’d get was maybe a few hours, but that was only when your body couldn’t stay up any more. Most of the time you’d end up falling asleep at your desk, passing out from complete exhaustion.

You were absolutely miserable, and it showed as your grades started slipping. By the time Spring Break rolled around, you went from straight As to Cs and Ds. You were glad that parents didn’t get emails or updates on your grades in college because they certainly would have a lot to say.

Getting out of the car, you stared up at your childhood home. You came home for break every semester, but this time around, you truly didn’t want to be here. After the last few weeks, you wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist. But you had no other choice, wanting to appear as if nothing was wrong, you had to see your family.

Shouldering your backpack, you walked up the gravel walkway to the front door. You knocked three times before your mother swung the door open, a bright smile on her face.

“Oh my baby boy is home!” She cooed as she moved to hug you.

“Hi mom.” You sighed as you hugged her back. For a moment, you forgot about everything that happened the past few weeks. You forgot all about the cabin, the dreams, the eyes, the club. Everything. At that moment, you were just a boy hugging his mom. Eventually the moment had to end and she pulled away.

You watched as her face morphed from happy to concerned. “Honey, have you been doing alright? You look tired.”

“Just. . . been having trouble sleeping.” You shrugged.

“Oh, well, go to bed early tonight and sleep in as late as you want. You’re on break now!” She cheered as she fully stepped away from you and into the house. “Come on, we actually have a bit of a surprise for you too.”

Lacing her arm with yours, she all but dragged you into the kitchen where there stood your father and-

“Namjoon?!”

With the call of his name, he turned to face you, his dimpled grin fully on display. Instantly, you felt warmth spread across your cheeks. Having gone to the same parish as you, Namjoon had been your Youth Group leader when you were in middle school and you thought he was absolutely wonderful; he was always so kind and thoughtful and caring. He was everything you wanted to be in a person. You’d heard plenty of the girls in your group gossip amongst themselves about how hot they thought he was and while you hated it, you agreed. At first you thought you could ignore it; you’d sit next to him and talk to him as often as you could during and after the group meeting. But the closer you felt you got with him, the more you realized the feelings weren’t platonic anymore. Almost overnight, your behavior towards him changed. You’d sit further away from him or in the back, you would only talk to him when absolutely necessary. You thought you were subtle about it, but he had noticed the drastic change; constantly checking up on you and asking if you were doing alright, none of which helped you in your endeavor to stop liking him. Eventually when you aged out of his group, you made a point to not contact him at all. In fact, the last time you think you have even heard of Namjoon was when he got married back in the fall. Your parents had received the invitation, but due to you being away for college, you missed the ceremony.

“Hey, Y/N! How’ve you been?” He held out his hand for you to shake. As you did so, you felt the familiar heat dragging down your spine. You immediately dropped his hand, as if he was on fire.

Before he could ask what that was, you answered his question. “Good, good. Just been dealing with school. Nothing much has been happening.”

“Ah, come on, don’t be so modest.” Your father boomed as he put an arm over your shoulders. “He’s the best in his class, aren’t you, son?”

“Y-yeah, definitely.” You squeaked as the lie stumbled over your lips, not even thinking twice about it. The heat continued to steadily inch down your back, creeping along until it reached the waist of your jeans. You squirmed against your father’s hold, you weren’t sure how long you were going to last until it reached. . . other places.

“It was also his birthday not too long ago, Mr. Twenty-One.” Your dad boasted.

“Oh really well, happy belated birthday.” Namjoon smiled at you, bowing his head a bit. The heat made its way over to your ass and you felt it squeeze you. It took every fiber of you to not make any drastic movement, not wanting to make any more of a scene.

“Thank you.” You said, giving him a tight smile in return.

“We were about to sit down for lunch, would you like to join us or would you like to settle in?” Your mom interjected.

Meaning your options were to either suffer through a lunch with the presence touching you and potentially making a fool of yourself, or to hide in your room, leaving you alone with it. That thought alone was enough reason for you to agree to lunch.

Beaming, your mom took your backpack from you saying she’ll put it in your room while you, Namjoon, and your dad went to the backyard where the patio table was all set up. When you sat down, the heat left your body. Which you were thankful for, maybe you could get through the rest of the afternoon without any trouble from it. As you sat quietly, Namjoon and your dad continued their conversation before you came in. It was a few minutes until your mother returned, food in hand. You thanked her as she prepared your plate and handed it to you. You ate in silence, listening to what your parents and Namjoon talked about things that had been happening recently, both in the church and in your family.

“So Y/N, you have a girlfriend yet?” Your former Youth Group leader asked, taking a sip of his lemonade.

“Oh- No, not yet. Haven’t found anyone.” You answered, giving a tight smile. “I like to focus more on school anyways.”

“Well that’s understandable,” he nodded. “But I do hope you find someone that you like soon.” He smiled.

“Thank you-”

“Oh, did you hear about Yoongi?” Your mother interjected.

“No? What happened, is he okay?” You asked. Min Yoongi was your next door neighbor and childhood best friend, but the two of you grew apart just before highschool started. So to hear his name brought up randomly was cause for a little concern.

“He says he’s bisexual and has a boyfriend!”

Soon as the words left her mouth, you froze in your seat. You were relieved that nothing bad happened to him, but jealousy and fear washed over your body. After all those years of friendship you had with him, you were suddenly disgusted with him, hating the fact you were such a close friend to someone disrespecting God like that. Yet at the same time, a small part deep inside you felt envious of him. Despite your internal conflict, the news had you looking tentatively to your father who was clenching his jaw.

“Oh really?” Namjoon spoke first, his tone sounding genuinely curious.

“Mmhmm, his parents were furious and kicked him out. Don’t think we’ll be seeing him again any time soon.” Your mother continued on as she ate her salad.

“Oh, is he going to be alright? Does he need help?” Namjoon furrowed his brows as he set his fork down.

“Don’t think he needs any help considering he chose his path.” Your father said as he whipped his face with a napkin. “Boys shouldn’t mess around with other boys, it’s just not natural. Right, Y/N?”

“Right, dad.” You murmured quietly, the words putting a sour taste in your mouth. You looked down at your plate, picking at it a bit. You wanted the floor to swallow you up. You wanted to scream and cry because you know that if they knew you were like Yoongi, they’d say the same things about you.

“I wouldn’t exactly say that, Mr. L/N.” Namjoon countered. “Being gay or bisexual isn’t unnatural, as we do see homosexuality among wild animals such as penguins, lions, and primates. These people aren’t choosing to be gay, they just are.”

“God made us the way we are, and He doesn’t make mistakes. Yoongi and all those other homos made their choice.” Your father argued, raising his voice ever so slightly. “What are you gay, Namjoon? You’re defending them so passionately.”

“No I’m not, but my wife is bisexual. Seeing as I’m an ally to her community, it’s only right I speak up on their behalf.” You swore for a moment he glanced in your direction. “But now I feel that I’m not exactly welcome here, so I think it’s time for me to go.”

“You don’t have to do that, Namjoon-” Your mother pleaded as he sat up.

“No, Mrs. L/N, I think I do.”

“I’ll walk you to the door.” You blurted out, catching everyone at the table off guard. Before your father could say a word, you were already out of your seat and walking back inside the house, Namjoon not too far behind you. You don’t turn to face him until you’re both at the front door. “I’m-I’m sorry about that. . .”

“It’s not your fault,” he reassured you, putting a hand on your shoulder. “People fear what they don’t understand.” He gave you a squeeze before dropping his hand. “And uh, if you ever need someone to talk to that’s not your parents or anything, here’s my card.” He pulled a small business card from his pocket, handing it to you.

“I’m not-” You began to defend yourself but he stopped you.

“I’m not saying you are, but I’m here for you. As a friend.”

The tips of your ears grew hot as you accepted his card. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” he smiled as he stepped out the front door. “Take care, Y/N.”

“You too.”

You watched as he walked down the pathway towards the sidewalk. You didn’t shut the door until he was out of sight. Once you couldn’t see him anymore, you shut the door. Feeling tears well up in your eyes, you made your way up to your room, not wanting to speak to your parents for the rest of the day.

You don’t speak much to your family the rest of your time there, both of them being too busy to entertain you anyways. You spend your time watching Netflix, consuming as many nature documentaries as you possibly could. When you do talk with your parents, it’s very superficial things over the dinner table.

The strange hot presence still lingers around you, although not as badly as it was when you were at the dorms. It felt weaker almost, like there wasn’t enough fuel around for it to continue. Despite its hindrance, the dreams were still prevalent, but not as bad as they were. The only thing in the dreams were dark eyes and the handsome stranger that they belonged to staring at you. You’d wake up in a cold sweat, those eyes never leaving your mind. You should’ve been relieved that the torment you had been experiencing was finally ceasing, it was the moment you had been praying for. But you almost missed it? You didn't understand why, seeing how the heat always made you feel dirty and shameful. Yet the moment you realized it was gone, you wanted it back.

The presence must’ve somehow read your mind because the last day of Spring Break, it had returned in full force. As you slept, you dreamt of the same man, loitering in the corner of the room observing you. Heat surrounded your body as he stared, taking the form of hands as it spread across your skin. As it groped you, you felt your cock harden in your boxers. A moan slipped out involuntarily. You didn’t know what part of you missed this, writhing in warped pleasure; but you weren’t sure how much longer you could stand it. The invisible hands made their way over to your neglected member, slipping beneath the fabric of your underwear. A firm grip wrapped around your cock, squeezing it. You bit your lip, trying your best to prevent any noises from falling from you. The invisible hand began to pump you at an agonizingly slow pace, driving you mad. But just before you reached that sweet release. Your eyes snapped open, your body still covered in the blazing heat.

A low whine escaped you as you slowly came to your senses. Unable to bear the sweltering heat, you pulled off your covers, exposing your sweat-soaked skin to the cool air of your bedroom. You could still feel the aching hard on in your boxers. You were so close to coming in your dream, and you probably still were even now. It probably wouldn’t even take much if you were to-

No. You couldn’t do that. You couldn’t touch yourself. It was wrong, but you could feel your cock practically begging for it to be touched. Your eyes began to burn with tears as you came to your decision. You squeezed your eyes shut as your trembling hand traveled over your boxers. You give yourself an experimental squeeze, eliciting a gasp from you. You then slid your hand underneath.

Your tip was already leaking pre-cum and you hissed as you smeared it with your thumb. You pumped your cock at a cautious pace. Letting out a cry as you struggled to make yourself feel as good as you did in the dream.

“What did I do to deserve this?” You whined out.

“You did nothing.” A deep voice has you sitting up in bed, your hand still loosely wrapped around your cock. The voice is familiar, you’ve heard it before. You know you have. The voice came from the corner of your room, it’s dark for a moment before a figure stepped out from it. Your breath caught as The man with the dark eyes that’s been haunting you for so long revealed himself. He was dressed in the same outfit from the club all those weeks ago; his animal print shirt more apparent in the low lighting of your bedroom. You opened your mouth to ask who he was, but words failed to come out. You had to still be dreaming. You had to be stuck in some sort of dream hellscape now as your punishment for missing the torture. “I promise you, you’ve done absolutely nothing.” You watched as his lustful dark eyes drank in your desperate form, a proud smirk on his face.

“Then why is this happening to me?” Your voice returned to you as you pulled your hand from your boxers. “I can’t do this anymore, I want it to stop. Please make it stop.” You pleaded with the stranger as he walked over to your bed. If this was a dream, you might as well let it happen.

“You want me to make it stop?” He asked, his hand finding your ankle, tracing up your leg. “How badly?”

“So bad. Please please please, I’ll do anything- give anything for it to stop, please!” You begged him.

“Anything?” His hand traveled further up your leg, reaching your thigh.

“Yes, anything!” You cried.

“Give yourself to me and I’ll make it stop. Once I’m done with you, you won’t feel bad anymore. I promise.” He was dangerously close to your dick, his hand barely grazing over the soiled fabric. Tentatively, you nodded. The stranger’s face grew into a wicked grin as he leaned in close. “That’s all I need.”

Surging forward, his lips met yours, kissing you at a brutal, almost bruising pace. Distracting you with his mouth; his hand pressed against your cock, eliciting a whine from you that he swallowed as he kissed you. He pulled away from your lips, leaving you to chase after them. He cooed at your attempt, but shushed you.

“I’m in charge here,” he whispered, nibbling a bit at your ear. He kissed down the column of your neck and chest, leaving behind a trail of red and purple marks. Marks that would be gone by the time you awoke from the dream. As he sucked on your neck, his hand slipped past the band of your boxers. “You’re so hard, aren’t you little boy?”

You nodded fervently. “Please.”

“Please what? Are you gonna use your words like a big boy?” He teased as his hand began pumping your cock at a much faster rate than you were, driving you to the edge almost instantly.

“Fuck me! Please fuck me! I need it, make it stop, please!” You babbled, desperate for him to fulfill his promise and take it away; take away the heat, the pain, the want. Just take it all. You couldn’t stand it anymore.

With his free hand, the stranger pushed you to lay back down on the bed. Now hovering over you, he kissed you again, licking at the seam of your lips for you to open up. To which you did, and you welcome the intrusion. His tongue tangled with yours as he played with you, drinking in your weak mewls.

You felt like the world was spinning all around you, unable to tell what was up from down or left from right. Your body heat rose little by little as the stranger pleasured you. You could feel your gut tighten, getting closer to orgasm.

“I’m-I’m gonna-” You sputtered.

Just as you were about to reach your climax, he ripped his hand away, denying you your orgasm.

“No, no! You said you were gonna make it stop!”

“Not like that.” He leered as he pulled away from you. You weren’t given full time to mourn his presence or your orgasm, because he tugged down your boxers, your erection slapping against your stomach. Immediately you felt your face heat up as his eyes darkened. Your hands went to cover yourself, but his hands grabbed your wrists. “No.” He ordered. Meekly, you nodded as you dropped to your sides.

He stepped away from your bed, you’re about to protest but the words died in your throat as he began to pull off his clothing. You watched in awe as he plucked the buttons of his shirt, revealing golden tan skin. With the shirt on, you didn’t quite gage how muscular he was, but it was evident by now that the man your mind had dreamt up was very well built. When he reached his belt buckle, your averted your eyes, evoking a laugh from him.

“You were fine watching me two seconds ago, don’t you wanna see the full thing, little boy?” He taunted you, the rustling of clothing evident in the background as he shucked off his remaining layers. “Take a look. No shame in that.”

Hesitantly, you turned your head, just in time to see him in his full glory. His cock stood hard and tall. You could feel your face growing hotter as you covered your eyes. He had the most delicious dick you’ve ever seen, granted it was the only one you’ve seen besides your own, but it was beautiful nonetheless. A string of perverted thoughts ran through your mind as you felt him rejoin you on the bed, but he didn't remove your hands. No, instead his hands rested at the back of your knees, pushing them up, showing off your tight little hole for him.

The stranger held two fingers in front of your face. “Open.” You opened your mouth, and you’re barely given a second to process what he wanted before he pushed his fingers past your lips. “Get my fingers nice and wet. Need to prep you to make sure you can take me.” You were taken back at the order, but you complied, closing your lips around them. You dragged your tongue all over the digits in your mouth before they’re removed.

You watched as his hand disappeared from your vision. “Eyes on me.” His other hand on your jaw, forcing you to lock eyes with him. You feel the cool, wet appendage against the ring of muscles. Flinching, you tried to wiggle away from him, but his grip on you tightened. You mewled at the feeling, a mix of discomfort and pleasure. “Stay still and look at me!” You stilled as he pushed his finger into you up to his knuckle. “Shit, you’re so tight. How are you gonna take my cock? Hmm?” He mused to himself as his fingers started to slide in and out of you. You fisted at your sheets, needing something to ground you from the pleasure that was building in you. He was able to stretch you open enough to take two, then three fingers before he declared you ready.

Once his fingers are out of you, you feel a moment of emptiness before you feel his tip against your hole, already pushing in. Glancing up at him, you watched as a glob of spit fell from his lips, directly onto the head of his dick as he sank into you. A shiver ran down your spine as the spit came in contact with your sensitive hole. He was a good inch or two in before he slammed his hips down into you.

A strangled moan at the sudden fullness. The dreams you had have never felt this good, this real. You were going to hate yourself in the morning, but you didn't care. You couldn’t care anymore. The stranger promised to make it stop, you weren’t sure how he was going to as a figment of your imagination, but maybe it was a way of convincing yourself to get it over with.

At the sound of your moan, he slapped a hand over your mouth. “As much as I’d love to hear those sweet noises of yours. . . I don’t think we want your parents to wake up and see their good little boy taking cock, now do we?”

His words don’t quite register as he started thrusting into you at a harsh pace. Any other sounds you make are muffled by his hand, making the only sounds in the room the lewd slap of skin against skin. You could feel every ridge of his cock as he pushed in and out of you, driving you delirious. You squeezed your eyes shut, but a harsh slap against your thigh forces you to open them.

“Hey, I didn’t say you could close your eyes.” He growled. “I want you to look at me while I fuck you open, like the dirty whore you are. Keep them open, or I’ll make sure your parents hear.” His eyes flashed red as he spoke, his threat sounding very real. Your breath hitched as with another pound of his hips, reality came crashing down.

You weren’t dreaming. The man on top of you- the man inside you was real. The stranger was very real and you were actually having sex with him! Your eyes widened, unable to look away from the filthy sin you were committing, and with a stranger no doubt! Tears burned in your eyes, threatening to spill at any moment. Before you knew it, your lips were moving against his hand in silent prayers for forgiveness.

When the stranger felt your lips moving against his palm, he removed his hand. His face curving into a wicked smile. He must’ve gotten some sick kick out of it as he picked up his pace, thrusting into you faster. The tears that welled up in your eyes started to spill, rolling down your cheeks as you sputtered uncontrollably. Your grip on your sheets tightened as you felt the familiar build up of your orgasm coming up.

Leaning down to whisper in your ear, he asked. “Do you want me to stop?”

More tears falling down, you responded. “No.” You wanted this. You wanted this so bad, you didn’t want it to stop. At the moment, you didn’t care if God would send you to Hell because you had gay sex. All you felt-all you wanted was to cum. “No, fuck me. Please, I wanna cum.”

The wicked grin spread across his face once again as he pistoned his hips faster and faster into you. His hand goes to your neglected cock that you’d just realized had been leaking more all over your stomach. Your dick in hand, he began pumping it as best he could while keeping pace with his thrusts. Releasing your grip on your sheets, your hands wrapped around his shoulders pulling him close as you feel yourself inching towards the edge.

“I-I’m- I’m gonna-” You hiccupped as your gut got tighter and tighter.

“You’re gonna cum? Huh, all over my cock like a filthy slut?” He jeered as he bucked into you.

“Yes-! Fuck-! I’m-” You sobbed as he pounded into you, his grip on your cock driving you further into delirium. With another slam of his hip, you cum; spurting out over his hand and your stomach. He rode you through your orgasm, mumbling nonsense to himself. You didn’t quite understand what he was saying, only catching a few phrases about how tight you were and something about his home. With each thrust from him, it sent you further into overstimulation.

“Gonna fill you with my cum- fuck. Such a good whore.” He groaned. With one last snap of his hips, he joined you in ecstasy; painting your insides white with his essence. He managed a few more sloppy thrusts, before collapsing on top of you.

You both laid there for a few moments, your breaths mixing as you panted. You laid there, bodies hot and sticky before the stranger looked at you. His lips met yours for one more lazy kiss, all tongue and teeth before pulling away and out of you. Your body whined at the loss of his touch.

With him gone though, the fog in your mind began to clear and you realized what you had done. You felt sick and gross and dirty. But it felt so good. It felt good to give in, to not care about what anyone else thought. The conflicted feelings swirled around you, trying to fully understand what or or why, but all you could do was stare blankly at the ceiling.

Turning your head to voice your spiral, the stranger shushed you.

“Shhh, rest, Y/N. Shh.” Saying your name for the first time that night.

Your body heeded his words, growing tired with each passing moment. But your mind started racing with questions rose up as your eyelids felt heavier and heavier. What had happened? How did he know your name? What was his name? How even did he get in here? You wanted to ask them, but your body was slowly starting to fail, not allowing you to stay lucid enough to question him. The last thing you saw was his smirking face above you.

Your eyelids were heavy the following morning, not wanting to wake up and face the day. You expected any moment for your mother to burst into the room, saying she’s making you goodbye pancakes. But she doesn’t. The longer you wait, the more you realize, you don’t even smell pancakes. You don’t even smell the familiar scent of your parent’s laundry detergent. It was darker and musky.

Your eyes snapped open and you didn't recognize the ceiling. You didn’t know where you were. You attempted to sit up but every muscle in your body screamed in pain. You wondered what you could’ve done to have your body hurt so much, but then the last night’s activities flashed through your mind: the stranger, sex, giving into him. A deep pit of guilt began to build as it all hit you like a truck.

Ignoring the burning pain in your body as you sat up in bed. Red sheets pooled at your waist as you looked around. You were in a room no bigger than your own with not much furniture besides the large bed you were currently in. Feeling someone shift beside you, you glanced down, meeting the eyes of the stranger lying down next to you.

“What? Did you think I’d let you go after just one round?”

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hellsbellschime · 3 years

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Why Will Dany Burn King’s Landing?

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Although most fans of A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones understandably aren't keen on revisiting the sloppy final season of the TV series, season 8 of the show is actually home to some of the most interesting indications of where the book series may or may not be going.

Season 8 was largely so confusing because the series was attempting to get across the finish line as fast as possible, but many of the messier aspects of the show were also clearly driven by the fact that Game of Thrones had already significantly deviated from the story that George RR Martin was trying to tell. So, when the time came for the TV series to end, the show had to push its characters into their decided endgames despite the fact that many alterations to their prior arcs now made those endings somewhat nonsensical.

George has already directly stated that the broad strokes of the ending will be the same in the books, but I think it stands to reason that the most controversial aspect of the series end, Daenerys' decision to burn King's Landing, will likely be significantly different within the books.

There are a lot of theories about how Dany's dark, or at least slightly darker, turn is going to go in the novels. Many fans unsuprisingly have come up with speculations that alleviate most of Dany's responsibility for the destruction of the city, but I think the notion that someone else will burn King's Landing or that Daenerys will burn the capitol by accident are extremely unlikely.

I can't envision a world where George RR Martin lets any of his main characters off the hook for the most destructive choice in the entire series, and frankly it has always been completely in character for Daenerys to justify any amount of devastation and destruction if it's in service of reclaiming the Iron Throne. And honestly, despite the fact that Game of Thrones retconned most of Dany's darkest book decisions and characteristics, even within the TV series itself, burning King's Landing was largely a logical extension of Dany's habit of killing anybody who gives even the slightest indication that they might not follow her.

However, it also seems undeniable that the burning of King's Landing is almost certainly going to come about due to different circumstances. And, it seems extremely likely that the omission of one significant character in the books, Young Griff, will be one of the key differences in the destruction of King's Landing and the entire Targaryen dynasty.

While I don't think Young Griff's non-Targaryen heritage is nearly as undeniable as many other fans do, one thing that seems very probable is that regardless of whether or not Aegon is really Aegon Targaryen, Daenerys will not believe that he is the long lost son of Rhaegar Targaryen.

Cersei becoming Dany's greatest rival never really made sense considering how few legitimate supporters she had. But on the other hand, someone like Young Griff, who has spent his entire life training to become the best king possible, seems like the kind of person who will likely win at least a significant amount of support among the lords of Westeros and the common people, who at this point would honestly prefer anyone other than Cersei anyway.

But, if Dany arrives in Westeros and there is a Targaryen who she doesn't believe is a Targaryen already sitting on the Iron Throne with the backing of a multitude of kingdoms as well as the common people, clearly she's going to be pissed. And obviously she's going to have a huge axe to grind with the boy who she believes has usurped her throne.

Dany has always been prone to violence to begin with, but now that she seems to have decided to go full fire and blood, it's not that difficult to figure out how she is likely going to handle Aegon the Sixth. But, I think that the penultimate episode of Game of Thrones may have already explained exactly how that is going to happen.

Like most fans, as soon as any information about the final season of Game of Thrones was released, I thought about what it could possibly be referring to or what it would mean. And one aspect of season 8 that seemed to not quite fit into anything within the rest of the series was the title of the episode "The Bells".

What initially interested me about that name was that not only was it the title for arguably the most important episode in the entire show, but that it referred to something that has a lot of thematic relevance within the books but that has been barely mentioned within the TV series. Bells are mentioned constantly in A Song of Ice and Fire, but they've only gotten a few nods within Game of Thrones. And I was even more surprised that, when the show actually aired, the ringing of the bells didn't seem to be hugely relevant to the episode itself either.

Yes, the bells do seem to trigger Dany's decision to burn the entire city down, but they aren't important before or after that, and when there are so many possible titles that are more connected to the series and the story, it still seems strange that "The Bells" was called "The Bells".

However, while bells are a bit of a perennial theme within A Song of Ice and Fire, I think one particular bell-themed subplot might be the exact history that is going to repeat itself when King's Landing burns to the ground, and I think that Daenerys might defeat Aegon in the second Battle of the Bells.

Jon Connington is another fantastic character who was completely omitted from the TV series, but it's interesting that the most fervent supporter of House Targaryen who was on the front lines fighting for Rhaegar in Robert's Rebellion seems to believe that the war wasn't actually lost in the Trident, but in Stoney Sept when Jon failed to root out Robert Baratheon.

JonCon's perspective on Rhaegar and on the entire war is undeniably warped, and in retrospect House Targaryen's dynasty was always destined to fail. Rhaegar may not have had the violent impulses of Aerys, but a dude who lets the entire realm devolve into chaos because he really needs to impregnate a teenager who is dubiously consenting at best was not going to bring peace and prosperity back to the realm. And in a broader sense, the Targaryen values of isolationism, superiority, subjugation, and consolidation of power seem to indicate that no matter what happened, as long as the Targaryens stuck to their beliefs then they were never going to hold on to the Seven Kingdoms.

But still, it seems incredibly important that Jon Connington believed that the Targaryens lost the Iron Throne in the Battle of the Bells, and it's even more important that he's almost certainly wrong. A Song of Ice and Fire has been pretty consistent in its portrayal of brutality. It has proven to be an effective tool in the short term, but it seems to have disastrous results in the long run. And, given that George RR Martin is an ardent pacifist, it's obvious that JonCon's belief that if he had only been crueler and more violent in Stoney Sept then the war would have been won for House Targaryen is a belief that is bound to be undermined.

The fact that Prince Aegon's greatest Westerosi supporter is so strong in this belief though seems to be an obvious setup for a clash in the future. It seems unlikely that the boy who Varys wanted to be the perfect king would be as brutal as someone like Tywin Lannister, and honestly, most people are not that violent nor do they believe that the only goal is winning no matter the cost.

But, it also seems to be a setup for a clash between Young Griff and Daenerys. After all, while most people wouldn't do absolutely anything to get what they believed was their birthright, Dany absolutely would. She internally justifies every action that she takes in service of getting the Iron Throne, and there doesn't seem to be a limit to the violence that she would excuse if it meant taking what she believes is rightfully hers.

The descriptions of the Battle of the Bells in Jon Connington's POV chapters are all very interesting, and it's telling that even in these few glimpses into his mind, this battle is so vitally important. But, Jon's memories are at their most interesting in the chapter "The Griffin Reborn," when he discusses his failings with Myles Toyne.

Jon tells himself that even Tywin Lannister couldn't have done anything more than what he did, but Toyne disagrees. Blackheart says “Lord Tywin would not have bothered with a search. He would have burned that town and every living creature in it. Men and boys, babes at the breast, noble knights and holy septons, pigs and whores, rats and rebels, he would have burned them all. When the fires guttered out and only ash and cinders remained, he would have sent his men in to find the bones of Robert Baratheon."

And while Myles is undoubtedly right that this is exactly what Tywin Lannister would have done, the particular description of the violence sounds undeniably Targaryen in nature. It literally sounds like fire and blood. And frankly, it sounds pretty close to what Daenerys did in Game of Thrones and is likely to do in King's Landing in A Song of Ice and Fire.

Conceptually, it's actually quite simple. Jon Connington will fight the Battle of the Bells once again, except this time he's going to be on the side of the new Robert Baratheon. If Young Griff is a remotely capable ruler who wins the hearts of the people, then it's entirely believable that the citizens of King's Landing would give him quarter when the dragon queen comes looking for him. And given Daenerys' typical patience level, it seems incredibly likely that Dany would just burn the traitors and find the bones of the usurper in the ashes.

Jon Connington has returned to Westeros operating under the belief that he is going to have to be tougher and more brutal to ensure that Young Griff ascends to the Iron Throne like Rhaegar never did, and to ensure that he's never overthrown like the Mad King was. So then, it would be a pretty perfect twist of fate if everything that Jon believes now winds up being proven wrong and he finds himself and the boy who he has vowed to defend to his last breath relying on the kindness of strangers to hide them from the Targaryen ruler and her armies who are searching for them.

And ironically, Jon will not do what he has set out to do, succeed for the son where he failed for the father, precisely because the enemy that he's facing now will be ready and willing to use the brutality that JonCon originally shied away from in Stoney Sept. If Young Griff and the elder Griffon were actually dealing with a rival who was similar to the younger Jon Connington, someone who wasn't willing to wreak havoc and destruction in order to find their enemy at all costs, then they might have a chance at at least surviving.

But, because Dany is the type of person who serves up fire and blood to anyone she thinks even might be her enemy, any of King Aegon's protectors will be treated with the brutality that Jon currently believes is necessary to win, and Young Griff will be killed anyway. And of course, while Daenerys will almost certainly win the battle against Aegon the Sixth, her decision to be as violent and swift as possible in order to root out her enemies will also lead to her ultimate downfall and a truly irrevocable end to the Targaryen dynasty.

Thematically, the repetition of past mistakes, the false belief that great violence in service of a supposedly greater good is worthwhile, and the false belief that brutality is strength, all fits in well with A Song of Ice and Fire and George RR Martin's political point of view. But obviously, given that Aegon Targaryen, Jon Connington, and their entire branch of the story was omitted in Game of Thrones, none of this could have ever happened in the TV series. And perhaps the title of the penultimate episode was a subtle nod to the climax that the writers know will be coming in the books.

#got #asoiaf #anti daenerys targaryen #aegon targaryen #young griff #jon connington #asoiaf meta #got meta #my videos

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k-s-morgan · 3 years

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Hi Katrin! In reference to your previous ask about Ciels final smile of Kuroshitsuji 1, I just have to ask - why do you think Ciel is unhappy in his final moments?

I think I mentioned it a long while back in an ask I sent you (where I just dumped my ramblings about book of murder in your inbox - once again, sorry about that!) but Sebastian leaving Ciel in Paris didn't feel like a rejection to me.

Of course he senses the doubts Ciel clearly has about throwing his life away and I think misunderstands it. I don't think Ciel was second-guessing his revenge, but perhaps his readiness to die.

When Sebastian leaves him, he doesn't seem angry - that much is clear. Instead, he wishes him to "forget everything and have pleasant dreams", with a rather wistful expression on his face. And what this line ends up reading as is a bittersweet goodbye from the demon - an offering for Ciel to let go of his revenge and find happiness in the afterlife with his now soon approaching death.

I think he is disappointed because at some point he started to stop holding Ciel to human standards as he would everything else, but I also don't think he's resentful of it. Ciel is human and he can't keep expecting him not to be, so it was perhaps his fault for doing so.

Not wanting to die doesn't seem like something that would suddenly make Ciel's soul undesirable to Sebastian, so there must be another reason for him to let it go. He cannot offer Ciel life, since he knows that death is readily approaching him, but he can offer him an afterlife.

This offering almost acts as a thank you for the moments of excitement their contract had given his monotone life and I believe that is why he makes it.

He sticks around to see if Ciel accepts his offer, though already expecting him to, and is there to witness the very moment the boy rejects it. Gone is the uncertainty of Abberline's death and the Paris crisis, and Ciel, the Earl of Phantomhive, returns to him - sharper, colder, more ruthless than ever. Sebastian realises his misjudgement and returns to his side, ready for the final battle. Killing an angel. It's laughably symbolic.

I think it is at some point during this battle that Ciel fully acknowledges his feelings towards Sebastian. I completely agree with you - completing his revenge did not fulfil him. I don't think he felt victorious or triumphant from it, or even the satisfaction he might have expected from it. Like you said, he probably realises how wasted his life was in pursuing such a fate, but still understands that it was the only path he would've accepted, being who he was.

But that isn't to say he was unhappy. Just because it wasn't revenge that gave him fulfilment doesn't mean he didn't find it elsewhere. The smile he gives Sebastian doesn't read to me as bitter or condescending, but actually seems quite peaceful. And the reason for that, I think, is that he doesn't fear dying by Sebastian's hand.

Those same reddened eyes and fanged smile would be the last thing he sees – and was that really such a bad way to go? He knew how and when and by whose hands he was going to die, and not everyone could say the same. What's more, at this point, I'm pretty sure he would've realised what he was feeling for Sebastian, so I don't think he would be resentful for dying at the hands of someone he loved.

Sebastian, for him, had always represented the end. And a beautiful end at that. That's why the smile seemed peaceful to me.

He lets go of the bridge. Initially, I assumed it was a mixture of blood loss and a symbolic decision to let go of life and surrender himself to Sebastian, but from your analysis I actually think your idea about him wanting a final act of rebellion is wonderful. All Ciel really wanted was to be remembered by Sebastian, so why not send him one last gift? Let him have one last surprise before it's all over. Die on his own terms - it's a beautiful idea.

He dies in mid-air. We see the exact moment Ciel Phantomhive dies and exact moment his cinematic record blossoms from his lifeless body when the blood loss finally takes him.

It's a beautiful scene, regardless of how you analyse it and I absolutely love hearing everyone's interpretations of it since they're all so different from one another. Reading your analysis in this ask was particularly wonderful to me because it was such a different take from what I was used to. I tjust hought I'd share my view on the scene so I could hear more of your thoughts on the matter. Whether it's in literature or media, watching how the tone of a scene can change as the angle from which it is interpreted switches is perhaps one of the most interesting things you can do.

(My post about Sebastian leaving Ciel in S1 & London Bridge scene for those who are interested).

Thank you for this, I really love your asks, comments, and thoughts! I agree that Sebastian leaving Ciel in S1 wasn't a rejection - I think he was resentful to an extent (he sends Ciel several very dark looks when Ciel stops him from killing the Queen and when they are riding to the hotel), and personally, I see a mix of feelings when he's watching Ciel from afar later. He's quiet and thoughtful, and I think there is a storm of conflicting feelings brewing inside him. I particularly love your words about Sebastian being willing to give Ciel an afterlife.

As for how Ciel takes it... I think he's grimly determined to see everything through. I agree that he fully acknowledges his feelings for Sebastian at this point; I also think Ciel realizes he loves him at the very end of S1, seconds before Sebastian leans closer to take his soul. I imagine the entire life flashing right before Ciel's eyes, his adrenaline spreading through him chaotically and clearing his head in a way he's never experienced before. His reservations, stubbornness, reluctance to succumb to emotions - it's all going to lose its meaning because this is it. In a few seconds, he won't just be dead - he won't exist. I think Ciel is going to see everything with startling clarity, and he'll realize, "Oh. I love you," but of course he won't say it aloud.

I agree Ciel sees the beauty and the peace in being consumed by Sebastian, but at the same time, I see misery in him in those later moments. Sorry, I can't share gifs or even good pics right now, but here are some screens to illustrate what I mean:

I think he looks like in his darkest and saddest moments here. There is sorrow, bitterness, hopelessness in his eyes - he won, but it doesn't feel like it. Ciel always knew he was going to die and Sebastian was going to devour his soul, but now he is being proven right, it is finally happening, and I think he has mixed feelings on this. During their time together, he learned to enjoy life in his way. He enjoyed their games, being challenged, solving puzzles. He always knew it's temporary, but knowing and seeing it are two different things, and I don't think Ciel is as willing to die as he was before. The way he's startled when the Undertaker tell him he's going to die anyway even without Sebastian in the picture, Ciel's sudden burst of emotion when he tells Abberline that he had forfeited his future, his behavior afterward, how he was delaying the conclusion of their contract by holding Sebastian back - I think Ciel was re-assessing things.

This one breaks my heart in particular. In this specific moment, I don't think Ciel doesn't want to die in general, but he doesn't want to leave Sebastian. He's staring at him with emotions he never allowed himself to feel - he's ready, but he's wistful. He wishes things could have been different in some other world, that his book could have another ending, but he knows there is no place for what ifs in his life.

#black butler #sebaciel #kuroshitsuji #ciel phantomhive

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babymetaldoll · 3 years

Text

Danger Days - Chapter nineteen: "If you're gone (maybe it's time to come home)"

Word count: 16,9K

Summary: Joey is not ready to start touring, but being away from Matthew sounds like a good plan to get over him. But... Matthew has other plans, and he is determined to be forgiven. Gerard is not letting his illusions go either, but he has to realize he is wasting his time.

Warnings: Cursing, there are some arguments, a little angst, and some fluff.

A/N: I'm soft.

Masterlist

::: March 30th, 2011. Los Angeles :::

Frank sighed and looked around. It was early morning, and there was chaos around him. It was video shooting day, and his family was with him at the small indoor venue where MCR was recording the “Planetary Go” music video. Five hundred kids were outside, waiting in line to get there and be part of the show. Meanwhile, inside the arena, his wife and kids hung out with Joey, Ray, and Mikey in the dressing room. They were still waiting for Gerard, who was late, as pretty much always.

- "I brought some things you might need through these next months"- Jamia said to Joey as Frank walked closer- Mostly books and a few maternity shirts I loved.

- "Thank you! I’m gonna need all your help, ‘cos I have no fucking idea what I’m doing."

- "You are gonna be just fine! You have mom material!"- Jamia pointed out as the young woman held Lily in her arms, smiling- "You are glowing"- Joey grinned- "Now tell me everything about, have you seen him? Have you talked to him? Did you tell him?"

The drummer widened her eyes and held her breath for a second. Mikey looked at her and kissed her temple.

- "I’ve seen him, I told him, he is thrilled, he has been..."- she made a pause and tried to find the right words to describe how the last ten days had been for her- "Incredibly caring and supportive. I hate him"- Mrs. Iero frowned.

- "He is making it hard for you to hate him, right?"

- "Awfully! I swear I have to do some exhausting mental work to keep myself from forgiving him each time I see him! It’s awful!"

- "If you want to forgive him…"- Jamia started, but Joey shook her head.

- "No! This is not about forgiving him because I won’t! once a cheater, always a cheater!"

- "Yeah… that’s true."

- "And I don’t trust him!"

- "I know…"

- "And..."

- "It’s ok, Joey. Don’t worry"- Jamia smiled and changed the subject- "Did you tell your parents yet?"

- "No, we are gonna be in Seattle in four days, so I’ll tell them in person."

- "Are they going to the show?"

- "Yeah! They are thrilled! And they want to meet the band, which I know is gonna be weird. I’m so glad you are coming along for this leg."

- "I was dying to come with you, and now you have two babies to get used to"- Joey chuckled, but her happiness was clouded when Gerard walked into the room with Lynz.

Ever since her talk with Mikey, Joey had successfully managed to stay away from Gerard. And the best part: no one had asked if there was something wrong, ‘cos though neither Frank nor Ray knew the details of the story, they both knew there was something definitely wrong in the way Gerard looked at the drummer, and she was clearly awkward around him.

Gerard was in hell, and he knew he deserved it. He had crossed the line, and the distance between him and Joey was the proof. Gerard was afraid even to talk to her, and he felt the wall his brother had created around her. Mikey wasn’t mad at him anymore. He was just worried about him and also a little disappointed. Gerard had always made sure to give him a positive example- even in his darkest times- and suddenly, that whole mess fell upon them.

- "Hey guys!"- Lynz said with a happy face and arms wide open as she walked into the room and started hugging everybody, including Joey, who felt like a whore the second she saw her. She had promised her she was never going to do anything with her husband, and she had failed.

- "Hi Lynz! How are you?"- Joey tried to keep a straight face and smiled.

- "Congratulations! Gerard told me about your baby!"

- "Thank you so much!"- the drummer was making the biggest effort to look happy and natural- "Wanna see the ultrasound?"

Gerard looked at the scene, and his stomach tightened. Joey seemed to be so happy. The drummer gave Frank his daughter and took the ultrasound from her backpack.

- "Hey! I wanna see it too!"- Ray said, moving closer.

- "That little bean is my baby!"- Joey pointed and chuckled- Can you believe that tiny thing is gonna be a person?!

- "Shit!"- Ray sort of mumbled- "It’s so small!"

- "Ok, kids! outfits ready?"- Brian walked into the room and looked at them- "Neither of you is ready, come on! Move! We are late!"

Matthew finished packing and smiled. He wasn’t carrying much, but it was enough to follow Joey for the next eighteen concerts she had with the band, starting march 21st and until April 23rd. His plan was simple: standing in the first row of every show and cheering for the drummer. He wanted to show her how much he loved her, and he was willing to postpone his whole life for her. He had gotten in trouble in his job for doing that, and he didn’t care. He wanted to be with Joey, and he wanted her to know how much he loved her, and if that meant being fired from Criminal Minds, so be it.

He put the eighteen tickets for the shows he had already gotten in an envelope and smiled pleased.

- "This has to work"- he said out loud- "I mean… it has to, ‘cos I don’t know what to do next…"- he grabbed his phone and looked at the hour.

- “Good luck with the video today”- he wrote and sent.

The latest days had been weird for him and Joey. She would accept to see him when it came to things related to the baby, but of course, she would never let him get too close. The nap they had shared had been the last time he had held her in his arms. The rest of the time, she had been distant, and though he had done his best to stay calm and positive, sometimes it scared him to think maybe he was really going to die trying to get her back.

But “weird” didn’t mean bad, though. And Matthew had made the best of the time he had shared with her. He would bring her treats she liked and would call every morning to know how she felt. She always picked up. That was good; it meant she didn’t hate talking to him.

He also took her to see a nutritionist, to help them make a meal plan, considering Joey wasn’t the healthiest person when it came to meals. They also had a conversation with a personal trainer to help her identify the exercises and movements she could do to train and stay fit those first months. Besides, Matthew kept getting thoughtful presents to make her pregnancy more comfortable, and he brought one every day as an excuse to see her, even for a minute. He got her the pregnancy pillow and customized it as one of his stuffed monsters. He got her natural spa products for her bath to help her relax. He even got a tiny drum for the baby. Joey hated him because she couldn’t stay mad at him if he was being so adorable. He bought her so much food she was sure she was getting fat for eating too much and not because of her pregnancy.

- “Thank you”- his phone dinged, and he quickly read the text, smiling.

- “Wanna come for dinner tonight?”- he wrote and held his breath. It was a bold move, but he needed to play all his cards.

- “Better not, I’ve got an early flight.”- she replied. Joey held the phone in her hands tight, locked in the bathroom. She really didn’t have to change for the video, she just had to put on an MCR t-shirt, and she wanted to fix her hair. Joey wasn’t really going to be in many shots anyway, she just was a support player in the back. She couldn’t take the eyes from the phone, though she knew she had to. She was waiting for Matthew’s answer.

- “Can I stop later to say goodbye?”- and a smile lodged on his lips as he wrote those words. Joey had no idea he was going to be on tour. Joey bit her inner lip as she considered the options. She wanted to see him but didn’t want to give him hope, but he was the father of her kid, but… he cheated.

- “I can bring some dinner, in case you get home tired and you don’t want to cook.”

- “Mother fucker!!”- the girl coursed and sighed- “See you at seven.”

- "Yes!!"- Matthew jumped from his bed and danced around his room on his own. He just had to be calmed and try not to fuck it up. He could do that, right?

Lynz kept a good eye during the whole day, trying to see if Joey would look at Gerard, but she didn’t. They didn’t really talk at all. She knew Joey had told her they weren’t close, which made sense with the scene in front of her. It was like Gerard didn’t exist for the drummer.

- “Isn’t that weird too?”- Mrs. Way thought. She could notice Gerard was concentrated entirely on the whole “making the video” process. He kept checking with the director and making sure everything was ok. Joey talked with Mikey and laughed a lot with Ray. Her husband and the young woman never interacted except during the show. Gerard wouldn’t stop going back to the drum and looking at her every time they had to perform. Just like Lynz had seen in the Valencia show. Joey didn’t seem to pay that much attention. She would be playing, their eyes would crush, they would nod, that was it.

- “Ok, if it doesn’t seem to be anything going on, why can’t I shake these thoughts from my head”- the bassist asked herself as she kept staring at her husband performing.

During the break, Joey walked away from the stage and the noise and locked herself in the bathroom again. She checked her cell phone and read.

- “Do you think we could ever get to be friends?”- and she held her breathing, nearly in shock. The text was from Gerard. When the fuck did he text her? He had been there the whole time. She looked around, but she was alone in the bathroom. She reread it, frowning. Why was he texting her? They had managed to spend weeks talking the minimal, and she was completely in favor of keep doing the same for the rest… of her life, basically. And so she didn’t reply. It was clearly easier for her to stay away from Gerard than from Matthew for obvious reasons.

- "Hey!"- Lynz walked into the bathroom and smiled. Joey kept looking at her reflection in the mirror, fixing her makeup- "How are you feeling?"

- "Like I could puke everything I’ve ever eaten, and at the very same time, so fucking hungry"- the drummer answered with a smile- "How have you been? I haven’t seen you since London."

- "Good, busy, thank God. That’s the only way I can stand being apart from Gerard for so long."

- "It was an eternal tour!"- Joey added- "It felt like a lifetime! Are you coming along these following dates?"

- "Yeah! I’ll be there on April 5th, I have to finish a project I’m doing with a friend, and I’ll take a plane to Canada."

- "Awesome!"- Joey was doing her best to be as normal as possible. Besides, she honestly liked Lynz- "You and Jamia! Finally, I’m not gonna be the only woman around! You have no idea how exciting this is for me. I’ve been around guys my whole life, but I really need a break after these last months. I’m actually hoping to have a girl"- Joey guided her hand to her stomach and chuckled.

- "What did Matthew say, by the way?"- the drummer sighed and closed her eyes- "Sorry, I didn’t mean to… Gerard told me what happened between you two."

- "No, don’t worry"- Joey smiled and sighed again- "Matthew is happy with the baby news."

- "That’s good."

- "He is thrilled, actually. He cried when I told him, cried during the ultrasound, cried when he realized the baby due is close to Halloween."- Joey couldn’t help but smile, remembering his face, tears filling his eyes as she told him she was pregnant. She had never imagined he would be so happy.

- "And how is everything between you two?"

- “Did that little shithead tell his wife everything going on in my life or what?!”- the drummer didn’t answer. She felt pretty awkward knowing Lynz was aware of the whole story.

- "Sorry… I didn’t mean to intrude."

- "It’s ok… I…"- Joey scratched the back of her neck, honestly nervous about explaining her mind- I’m sorry, I’m just not really used to talk about things with people.

- "No, please, I was out of place, I just… Gerard was in shock when he told me, and he said you were pretty affected"- Joey nodded and looked down.

- "Yeah, I was a mess, but I’m better now…"- the two of them stayed in silence for a few seconds, that felt like hours- "I should go back"- Joey pointed to the door, and Lynz nodded.

- "I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable"

- "Don’t worry, I’ve got problems communicating with people… not just in this matter"- Joey tried to smile, though she knew she still looked pretty awkward- "It’s a long story."

- "Hey, no need to explain, really"- Lynz opened her arms and hugged her.

Joey didn’t get a thing. Why was she being so nice? Did Lynz want to be her friend? Was she being honest or just trying to be friendly under the circumstances? Did she want to get closer to her to know if she was crushed on Gerard? There were too many questions around Joey’s head, and she didn’t have the time or the energy to try to find an answer to any of them. She just hugged Lynz back and cut her a friendly smile.

The whole recording process took the entire morning and part of the afternoon. By the time they were done- and gave the kids in the audience a short show of five songs - the band and their families were ready to go home.

- "Bug, we are gonna go grab dinner together. Wanna come?"- Mikey wrapped an arm around Joey and kissed her temple as they all grabbed their things in the dressing room.

- "I’m too tired. I wanna go home."

- "Want me to go with you? Ask for some take-out? Maybe from the Vietnamese place you wanted to try, watch a movie… you know, rest before the tour that’s coming, what do you say?"- Joey smiled but declined.

- "I have plans…"- Mikey raised an eyebrow and nodded.

- "You are gonna see Gubler"- and by the tone in his voice, she knew he wasn’t happy with the news.

- "He is gonna drop by to say goodbye."

- "Sure… are you sure you are ok with him?"

- "What do you mean?"

- "You have been hanging out with him a lot."

- "No, I haven’t!"

- "Name one day this week you haven’t seen him"- Mikey furrowed his brows and crossed his arms on his chest, staring at the drummer.

- "Today?"- she answered, thinking.

- "See?"

- "He keeps bringing presents for the baby. What am I going to say? Stop being such a good dad?"

The whole band was overhearing the conversation. They were all pretty nosey, actually. And the whole Matthew/Joey drama was their favorite subject at the moment.

- "He ain’t trying to be a good dad! He is trying to win you over! Are you gonna let him break your heart again?"

That escalated quickly. Joey stood in front of his friend, not knowing what to say. Lucky for her, Lynz was the one to talk next.

- "Are you jealous, Mikey?"- though her words weren’t really the best to be spoken at the moment. The bassist looked at his sister in law almost in shock, nearly insulted.

- "Not jealous, worried. I am concerned about her ‘cos I don’t want her to get hurt again, is that a fucking sin or what?"

- "No, it’s not! I’m just asking ‘cos you sound like a jealous boyfriend worried his girlfriend is gonna cheat or whatever."

Joey hated Lynz’s comment, every single word in it, ‘cos it was meant to start a fight. Had she said it with those intentions?

- “No, she didn’t… did she? Is she trying to know if Mikey and I are into anything? No, stop being paranoid!”

- "I’m not jealous, Lynz"- Mikey’s words were cold as he responded with a serious face- "I’m just worried and taking care of her. That’s what friends do."

- "Sorry! There’s no need to get all serious."

- "Ok, dinner?"- Ray clapped and tried to lighten the mood- "Let’s go before Frank gets all cranky."

They all nodded and started walking. Gerard made sure to stay a little behind as his wife talked with Jamia and moved closer to Joey.

- "You didn’t answer my text"- he whispered, and the drummer froze in shock, even a little scared. Why was he talking to her? They had managed to spend weeks without saying a word directly to each other. Why did he decide to talk to her the only day they had been around his wife?

- "Sorry, I’ve been busy"- Joey mumbled and started walking quickly to get away from him.

- "And would we ever be friends?"- Gerard asked, following her and talking under breath, making sure no one except her could hear him.

- "Sure, if you stop saying nonsenses, we can be friends."

- "Nonsenses? You mean telling you that I love you?"- the young woman widened her eyes and turned to him immediately.

- "Don’t say that! Ever again!"

- "But I do. I am in love with you, Sugar."

- "And that’s why we can’t be friends"- Joey sentenced and walked to her car, never looking back. She said goodbye to the rest of the band, kissed Cherry and Lily a few times each, and drove home.

- “What the fuck Gerard?!”- she yelled inside her head- “What the fuck is his problem?! His wife was right here? And he keeps telling me that he loves me? is he stupid? Has the stress affected his brain functions? Did he start drinking again?”.

There was no explanation for his behavior, and it freaked Joey out, ‘cos a new leg of the tour was starting the day after, and she didn’t want to face it that way. She didn’t want to travel with Lynz knowing her husband was trying to get into her pants again.

Again, that was the worst part. Joey felt like a whore knowing what had happened with Gerard. She didn’t want to even think about it, but the image kept coming to her mind. His lips on her, kissing her jawline, her neck, her breast… If she hadn’t thought he was Matthew, would she have let him go on? If she wasn’t in love with her ex, would she had sex with Gerard, even knowing he was married?

The answer could actually scare her, ‘cos it was against everything she had ever believed in. But she thought it was possible. The only thing that kept her from having sex with Gerard was that she was in love with Matthew.

If she had sex with Gerard, would she stop loving Matthew? The girl shook her head, frowning, disgusted by her own thoughts. That was never going to be a good idea.

Gerard was in silence, staring at the food in front of him. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to be there. He could hear his friends talking, his wife laughing, but all his mind could register was the fact Joey was now in her apartment with Gubler. With the guy he hated the most in the whole world. With the guy Gerard wanted to be. The guy he was jealous of. The one she loved instead of him. Just the thought of what could happen between them made him sick in the stomach.

Was she going to forgive him? Was she going to have sex with him? Was she going to marry him after all? Matthew was going to be with her that night. He was going to make her laugh, he was going to lean over her slowly and whisper sweet words in her ear. He was gonna make her blush, he was going to get her wet and cream her undies.

The singer shook his head and tried to think of anything else. But he couldn’t.

- "Are you ok?"- his wife asked, frowning- "You haven’t had a bite."

- "I’m not hungry"- Way whispered and tried his best to cut her a nice natural, all innocent smile.

- "Sure?"- Lynz touched his forehead in case he had a temperature, but he was ok- "Do you want to go home and rest?"- the singer nodded right away

- "Yes, I think I need to lay down for a while."

- "Ok, I’ll tell the guys."

Gerard was full of it. But going home and locking himself in his studio sounded like a nice idea. At least there, no one could see him freaking out over the idea of Joey being with someone else but him.

Matthew counted to ten as he stood outside his car and took three deep breaths to calm himself down. He had done the same, like a mantra, each time he walked into Joey’s apartment those days. He had to control himself from running over, from making a mistake. He had to make sure he wasn’t going to mess it up with her, Paget had told him over and over again: he only had one chance to make things right, and he couldn’t fuck it up.

His friend was the only one who knew Matthew was gonna be a dad, and she was as thrilled as he was, mostly ‘cos she knew how badly Gubler wanted to have a baby. And the fact he loved Joey more than anything made it even more perfect. Well, it would be perfect if he hadn’t cheated, but both of them hoped to fix that any time now. As soon as possible, as a matter of fact.

- "Hey"- Matthew smiled as his ex-girlfriend opened the door. She was already in her pajamas, make-up swept off her face, a messy bun on her hair, and some chocolate around her lips. Matthew had never seen her as beautiful as in that moment.

- "Shouldn’t you be quitting sugar already? We agreed no more lava cakes from this week on."

- "I’m eating the leftovers from the fridge, ‘cos it’s all gonna be rotten when I come back, and the whole place is gonna stink"- Joey answered, cleaning the corner of her mouth, turning back to the kitchen.

- "You know chocolate won’t get bad… wait, where did you get chocolate from?"- Joey turned to him and grinned.

- "Frankie got me some"- Gubler nodded and left the take-out boxes on the counter.

- "Are you hungry?"

- "Actually… I don’t know… are you?"

- "A little. But I can wait a while if you want…"- he smiled at her and stared in silence. The young woman turned away to the fridge again and opened it.

- "Anything else that’s gonna spoil while you are away?"- he asked.

- "Not much… peanut butter will live, I guess."

- "Yeah."

- "And ketchup."

- "Yeah… but ketchup was making you sick a few days ago."

- "But who knows next week..."- the conversation between them was so natural, neither of them remembered how bad things were between them for a long while.

They talked about the fridge, the new self-watering system Joey had gotten for her plants, and how excited she was to see her parents again. And that was when Matthew pushed things a little too far.

- "Are you going to tell them about the baby?"

- "I don’t know"- Joey simply answered and walked away from him. She had been walking away from him most of the time he had spent in her apartment, and he kept following her like a lost puppy through the whole place.

- "Why not?"

- "‘Cos they are gonna ask too many things. ‘Cos I want to know if everything is ok with the baby first, wait until he is twelve weeks. And mostly, ‘cos I’m gonna have to tell them you are a cheater mother fucker and that we are not getting married, and I haven’t seen them in forever… I don’t wanna ruin the trip."

- "Maybe you don’t have to tell them we broke up,"- Joey raised an eyebrow and looked at him, standing on the frame of the bathroom door, staring at her putting all her beauty products (the few she had) in a “go-to” bag.

- "Sure, Matthew"- her answer was snarky, and she refused to turn to him.

- "I mean… we don’t have to break up"

- "Again? You wanna do this again?"- her voice was annoyed, making it clear she was tired of talking about their relationship.

- "We’ve danced around the subject all week, and we haven’t properly talked about it."

- "We are over because your cock was in your ex’s mouth the night of your birthday a few weeks ago. That’s all there is to know about that subject. That’s why we are in this fucking shitty situation. And no, Matthew Gray Gubler, I am not going to forgive you! So can you just drop it?!"

A heavy silence hung in the room. Joey lost it, and she ended up yelling. She was tired, she was sad, she was stressed. And most of it, she was anxious and slightly depressed over the whole deal.

- "I’m tired of this shit! We are gonna be parents together. I swear I am doing my best to get along with you and have a healthy relationship. Still, the fact is, I am doing my best to stop fucking loving you ‘cos I am not going to get back together with you! Ever!"

Her words were full of anger, and she couldn’t stop herself from screaming at him.

Matthew looked at Joey in silence. He didn’t know what to say at that. He had a lot of ideas in his head, but all of them were probably just going to get her even more upset. And that was the last thing he wanted to do that minute. And so, he just nodded and turned around and left the room. Joey sat on the edge of the bathtub and bit her lips.

- "I got this for our baby today"- he murmured a few minutes later when he walked back to the bathroom.

- "What is it?"- Joey mumbled and looked at the iPod Matthew gave her- "What? You know the baby won’t use one of these in probably another ten years, right?"

- "It’s not the iPod, it’s what’s in it"- the drummer nodded and wondered what was in it- "I just…"

Matthew cleared his throat. Words came painfully slow from his lips as he spoke.

- "I recorded a few stories and tales and things for the baby, so they can listen to my voice while you are away. That way, they won’t forget me"- Joey’s heart ached in love at those words.

- “This is one smooth loving bastard”- she thought and took a deep breath- "Thank you, that’s very thoughtful"- he shook his head and took a few steps back from her, ‘cos he knew all his body wanted was to lean over her and kiss her.

- "It’s nothing"- he sighed and made a pause- "I’m just worried if we are not gonna be together again, my baby might forget about me."

Those words broke Joey’s already broken heart. The sadness that Matthew’s face reflected showed her how bad he was feeling and reminded her that this was also a troubled time for him. Even when he was the one that had brought those problems to their relationship.

- "I promise you, that’s never gonna happen. You are always going to be our baby’s dad, and you are always going to be part of their life, no matter what"- he nodded and looked down, biting the inner part of his cheeks.

- "I think I better go"- Joey didn’t want him to go. He didn’t want to go, but her words had been so hard, they had left him speechless. Uneasy. Depressed.

- "You…"- the young woman stood up and took a deep breath, not know what to say- "You can take your part of dinner if you want."

That was not what she wanted to say. She wanted to say, “I’m sorry I just said all that in the nastiest way possible. I fucking love you, stay with me and hold me ‘cos I am scared and sad and alone”. But that was not what came out from her lips.

Matthew nodded and walked to the kitchen. He sighed and closed his eyes as he grabbed his box of Chinese noodles. That evening hadn’t come out as he was hoping. It had actually been the complete opposite. He had fucked it up. Making Joey upset only caused more pain to the two of them. He knew she would say things in the most painful way possible, not because she wanted to, but because that’s how she reacted when hurt. Hurting back. Hurting deeper.

Joey stood in the middle of the hall, watching Matthew grab all his things and turn to her.

- "Take care"- he whispered, and she nodded slowly.

- "You too."

- "I’ll call you to know about the baby bean"- she nodded again.

- "Of course. I’ll see you when I come back, and we’ll have another check-up"- he looked at her as she whispered those words. Each one of them hurt as they left her lips, ‘cos they were goodbye words, and she didn’t want to say goodbye.

Matthew just stood there, staring at her, not knowing how to move. He didn’t have the strength to walk away from her at that moment. Still, the words she had just practically yelled at him were a warning he was pushing her, and by pushing, he was never going to make things better. He had such a sad look in his eyes, Joey took a step closer to him. He kept his eyes on hers, almost holding his breath.

- "And… thank you for being here with us"- she held her hand on her tiny belly as she spoke- "I know it’s hard and all, I just… want you to know… I appreciate it."

- "They are my baby too"- he simply answered with a short and sad smile on his lips- "I would do anything for the two of you, any day."

Joey bit her lips and took another step closer. He stood still, not knowing what to do. Joey walked slowly to him and stood right in front of him.

- "Sorry about what I said"- she managed to whisper.

- "No, Joey, please don’t apologize, you said what you said ‘cos it’s the truth, and I understand how mad you are… please don’t say you are sorry for something I brought to myself, to the two of us"- Matthew made a pause and sighed, his eyes stuck into Joey’s- "To the three of us, actually"- she nodded slowly.

- "I didn’t want you to leave with an argument if we were not going to see each other until another month"- Joey managed to murmur but couldn’t hold her eyes in Matthew’s for another second, and so she looked down.

- "I didn’t want to start a fight either…"

The two of them stayed in silence. The distance between them was so small Matthew could hold her tight if he only took one step ahead. But he controlled himself. It was one of the most challenging efforts he had ever made, and he moved his hand to her chin, lifting her face sweetly.

- "Take care, ok?"- his eyes traveled slowly from her lips to her eyes, and he noticed how her cheeks blushed sweetly.

- "Ok"- she whispered, nodding.

- "I’ll call you"- she didn’t say a thing and just nodded again. Matthew moved carefully over her and landed his lips on her forehead. It was the sweetest touch Joey had ever recalled feeling from him. So delicate and tender, and at the same time with such intense love. It was impossible for her not to close her eyes and feel her knees trembling. He stared at her in silence and smiled shyly before whispering “Goodnight” and walking out of her house.

Joey stared at the door and restrained herself from the deep desire to run after him and wrap her arms around his neck, to kiss him deeply. She didn’t. She couldn’t. She shouldn’t. Instead, she walked to her couch and laid down, wrapping her arms around her legs, feeling how warm tears fell from her eyes. How many times can a heartbreak after being broken? ‘Cos every time Matthew said goodbye, her heart ached, just like the day they broke up. And her body ached, feeling the empty space he left by her side.

- "I love you so fucking much"- she mumbled, sobbing. Tears kept falling like a waterfall until she fell asleep.

::: March 31st, 2011. Oakland :::

Mikey looked at Joey as they walked into the hotel and checked in. They had hardly shared a word that day, ever since they left California. She sat with Jamia and helped with the babies the whole trip, and her plan was to continue to do the same until it was time to play the show.

- "Are you mad?"- he asked out of the blunt as he stood next to her in the middle of the lobby, both waiting for their room keys.

- "No, why?"

- "You are not talking to me."

- "You haven’t talked to me either"- she answered with a shrug- "Are you mad at me?"- Joey furrowed her brows as she spoke, thinking maybe that was the point, and she never actually noticed it.

- "No"

- "Then?"

- "Are you ok?"

- "I’m tired and puked breakfast on the plane, you?"

- "I’m tired and drank three coffees on the plane ‘cos I couldn’t sleep"- Joey nodded at her friend’s words- "Why does it feel weird?"- Mikey pointed out and crossed his arms on his chest

- "I don’t know... - the drummer answered and looked at his shoes- "I love those boots."

- "I’m not gonna give them to you. They are not your number."

- "Shut up"- Joey cut him a short smile, and he did the same- "I hated Lynz’s comment last night"- Joey confessed and kicked Mikey’s boot friendly

- "Me too… Gerard said I was too rude to her."

- "You were, but she kind of deserved it"- Mikey chuckled at Joey’s confession- "Really, I just hated so much how she was insinuating you were jealous of whatever, considering she has no idea we are best friends!

- "I know! I thought the same"

- "That’s ‘cos we are best friends"- Joey added and smiled, giggling. Mikey looked at her and wrapped his arms around her slowly.

- "Did you have a good night after you saw that asshole?"

- "Yeah, it was ok"- Joey lied, hiding her face in his chest- "He brought dinner and left."

- "Good"- they rocked slowly, still hugged. Mikey kissed the top of her head and whispered- "I’m not jealous."

- "I know"

- "I’m just scared"

- "Why?"- Joey moved apart from him but never got an answer. Jeffrey showed up and gave them their keys.

- "Get ready. We’ve got an interview in an hour here in the conference room"- the bassist frowned, nodding.

- "Good news for me, I get to get some more sleep"- Joey added and stuck out her tongue to Mikey.

- "I hate you"

- "I know."

Gerard looked at his brother talking with Joey. He saw how they hugged. How he kissed the top of her head. How she smiled at him sweetly and hid her face on his chest. They looked like a fucking couple, and he hated everything about it.

- "Stop it"- Ray said and stood next to him- "I thought you were gonna be over your fucking obsession by now"- he pointed out with an eased tone of voice like he was just talking about the weather.

- "You are gonna fuck everything up if you keep looking at her like that"

- "What do you know?"

- "I know she won’t talk to you at all, and I think there has to be a reason I don’t know"- Gerard stayed still, pretending those hadn’t hurt him. Or scared him. He didn’t even look at Ray as he spoke.

- "And I know you like her, so stay away from her before you do something that ruins everything."

- "I’m not gonna ruin anything."

- "Your wife is gonna be here soon."

- "I love my wife."

- "I know… just try not to stare at Joey drooling, like she is the object of your undeniable desire and love when Lynz is around."

Gerard turned to his friend and tried to say something back, but nothing came out.

- "And for the love of God, don’t fuck it up!"- Ray tapped on his back and walked away.

Gerard Way was busted. He was fucked. And it was the first day of the tour.

Matthew laid on his bed and sighed. He was in Oakland, staying at a hotel two blocks from Joey’s. He had made sure not to book his room in the same place as her, to keep a safe distance in case she got too mad- which was always an option with her, especially under those circumstances. Those were the worst circumstances they had ever faced, so Matthew was being extra precautious. Even more after what had happened the night before. He was still angry with himself for pushing her too much. He had to be patient.

- “Let’s hope she won’t get angry with me for doing this.”- he thought and stared at the ceiling. He could only stay still for a minute or so. He quickly moved to his bag, grabbed a book and his phone.

- "Hey"- Joey’s voice at the other side of the line made him smile right away

- "Hello, how was your trip?"

- "It was ok"- Joey cleared her throat and looked at her feet as she walked around her room. She felt weird and awkward talking to Matthew after what had happened the night before- "How are you?"

- "I’m ok…"

- "How are you feeling from the bruises from the car crash?"

- "Like nothing ever happened"

- "Good…"- there was a silence on the line. Matthew could hear Joey’s breathing as she scratched the back of his neck and said the first thing that came to his mind.

- "So at what time is the concert tonight?"

- "At eight"

- "Good… and… are you having lunch soon?"

- "I don’t know. I was thinking about napping now and maybe grab a late bite before going to the arena."

- "Remember the nutritionist said you shouldn’t skip meals"- the drummer sighed, knowing he was right.

- "But I’m so sleepy, I’m gonna fall asleep on the table eating."

- "You couldn’t sleep last night? “God knows I couldn’t.”

- “I did. “No, I didn’t. I stayed up crying and thinking about how much I love you, damn it!”

- "Then why are you so tired?"

- "Maybe because I’m turning food into a human being"- Matthew chuckled at those words, and Joey smiled, listening to his reaction.

- "That seems to be a good reason. I’m sorry I questioned you"- the girl kept the grin on her face for a second

- "That’s ok. I should really go grab something to eat and then nap. You are right about that."

- "Talk to you later?"- he asked as casually as possible- "Maybe after the show, to know how you are feeling?"

- "Yeah, sure. Talk to you later, bye."

Matthew hung up and sighed. Just a few more hours and his plan to get his girl back would start. His stomach tightened as he imagined what Joey was gonna say when she saw him. Was she going to be mad? Was she going to be happy? Was the band going to hit him? There were too many questions for him to answer, so he did the only thing he could do: lay on his bed and grab the book he was carrying.

Jamia, the babies, and Joey had lunch together. The drummer loved having her around ‘cos she wasn’t alone back in the hotel all the time like she was in Europe, and that meant less time to overthink everything. She loved hanging out with Jamia ‘cos she was too nice and understanding with her. It felt like they could be friends. Jamia considered Joey her friend already, meanwhile the young woman still had trouble opening up with people.

Though she had to be honest with herself. The latest months had changed a lot of the things that made her a loner. It was all Matthew and My Chem. Except for Gerard. But for Joey, Gerard wasn’t really in the picture anymore. He was the guy she needed and wanted to avoid at any cost. Even if that cost meant to leave the band.

- "So… have you thought of any name already?"- Jamia and Joey were at the drummer’s room. The babies were napping, and the two women were laid on the bed, eating Oreos.

- "Not really… I just…"

- "It’s not real yet?"

- "It’s so not real yet"- Joey whispered and chuckled- "I keep looking at the ultrasound, and I can’t believe there’s a baby in my tummy… I bet I ate a sea monkey at some point, and that’s what’s been growing inside me"- Jamia snorted as she tried to keep it down and nearly laughed out loud.

- "Wait until the sea monkey starts kicking. That’s the weirdest thing of all"

- "You are not making it magical, J"- Joey made a pause and chuckled- "You are so gonna be J from now on"- and Jamia smiled.

- "Sounds nice coming from you."

- "Good, ‘cos I think I’ve got no more brain cells to think of anything else."

- "Oh honey! You are just starting!"- Mrs. Iero tapped on her friend’s leg as the two of them laid back next to the babies- "You have months of exciting emotions, like pregnancy arousal, cravings, hormonal changes, hair coming in weird places, and my personal favorite, pregnancy brain"- Joey frowned disgustedly.

- "I’m afraid to ask about the arousal, the hair, and the brain shit"

- "Whenever you are ready, I am here."

- "You are my Jamia San Kenobi"- Joey chuckled and sighed- "My pregnancy Jedi master"- and Jamia smiled.

- "I’m glad I can help"- and after a few minutes, they were both asleep as well.

The doors to the theater opened at five, and Matthew ran inside to make sure to grab a spot on the first row. He nearly tackled a few teenagers to get there. But he did and sighed, relieved at his success.

- "Hey! Where are you? did you make it?"- Paget called and didn’t even say hello to her friend. She just started asking questions right away, making him chuckle.

- "Hey! Yeah, I’m in Oakland, already at the theater. It’s a very cool venue, small, intimate… I’m almost sure Joey is gonna get to see me."

- "Are you in the first row?"

- "Of course, I am"

- "Good"- Paget smiled and nodded- "We miss you around here."

- "I’ll be there when everything is ok."

- "We know."

- "Is anyone mad at me?"- and Paget chuckled.

- "No, actually everybody thinks you are the sweetest and most romantic guy on earth following your girlfriend like that."

- "I’m following her to get her to be my girlfriend again, actually."

- "You get the point"- and Matthew chuckled- "Ok, Gubler, gotta go, please call me and tell me how this went."

- "Of course!"

- "Hey! Wait! Did you make a banner?"

- "Yes! I remembered your advice and got a banner."

- "What does it say?"

- “The distance is nothing when one has a motive”- the actor confessed proudly

- "Pride and Prejudice?"- Paget asked, puzzled.

- "Yes, her favorite, I’m making her banners with quotes from her favorite books"- and his friend sighed.

- "Stop it! I am gonna end up falling for you!"- and the actor chuckled- "If she doesn’t take you back, I am single!"

- "Shut up!"- Paget laughed, knowing Matthew had blushed, though he knew she was joking.

- "Call me later."

- "Sure thing!"

Joey kept jumping on her spot. She was backstage, feeling really psyched to play that day. She didn’t really know why. Maybe it was the two hours nap she had taken that afternoon with Cherry and Lily. Perhaps the fun size Snicker Mikey had just given her, breaking her meal plan on the first day on the road.

- "You look extra happy today"- and it all stopped the second she heard Gerard’s voice next to her.

- "Hey, yeah… I think it’s a sugar rush"- she answered and looked around, feeling safer knowing everybody was around her, including Jamia and the babies.

- "How are you feeling?"

- "Good"- Joey smiled and nodded- "You?"

- "Good… but I’m not pregnant"- the girl smiled and looked away from him, trying to keep that conversation as casual and distant as possible.

- "You look gorgeous, by the way"- Gerard whispered and even blushed as he moved a little closer to her- "I guess it’s true pregnant women glow and grow in beauty."

Joey took a step back and gulped as she felt her cheeks burning red as Gerard just continued talking.

- "‘Cos each time I see you, you catch my breath."

- "Please don’t..."

- "I’m just being nice"- Gerard smiled, pretending to look as innocent as possible.

- "You and I both know that’s not what you are doing."

- "Hey Iceland"- Frankie appeared all of a sudden and wrapped an arm around the young girl, kissing her temple and giving Gerard a glare that forced the singer to take a few steps back.

- "What are you guys talking about?"- and Joey sighed, relieved to feel him next to her, like a little guardian angel, though Frank Iero had nothing angelic.

- "I was just telling Joey she looks gorgeous today and that pregnant women are beautiful"- Gerard answered like it wasn’t a big deal at all. Joey wanted to run away or hide under a rock. Frank just tightened his arm around her and nodded.

- "Yes, she does… wanna help with my warm-up?"

That was the most random question Iero could come up with that second, but it didn’t matter, ‘cos Joey smiled and quickly said yes, escaping from Gerard’s presence. But not from his eyes that followed her through the room. He wasn’t worried anyone could see how much he loved her, ‘cos he didn’t want to hide it anymore. Not until Lynz was there, at least. But that was a problem he would face when the right time came, in a week or so.

- "What can I help you with, Jersey?"- Joey asked as Frank grabbed a few kettlebells and started making bicep curls.

- "Absolutely nothing, you just looked like you wanted to get the fuck away from him, and I decided to rescue you"- the young woman wanted to deny it all, but at that point, she was just so glad Frank had taken her away from Gerard, she just nodded and smiled.

- "You are such a smart guy"

- "You are gonna make me blush…"

- "Can I use one?"- she casually asked, pointing out the kettlebell.

- "Definitely not! You’re not lifting any weight until we talk with your doctor"- Joey rolled her eyes and shook her eyes.

- "We already did that. I am ok to work out… I just can’t… run and… carry heavyweights"- Frank raised an eyebrow, and she smiled guilty- "Sorry, I just love lifting weights."

- "Have your baby first, then we care gonna train like we are fucking CrossFit athletes"- the soon-to-be mother chuckled and reached out her hand to her friend.

- "Jersey, we’ve got a date."

The crowd was running anxious, and so was Matthew. He had stayed put on his spot in the first row, right in front of the drumset like his life depended on it, no matter how much kids would try to push him away.

- “This is gonna work, this is gonna work, this is gonna work,”- he kept repeating in his head as he felt the weight of two thousand people pushing him against the security fence.

The crowd started yelling louder and jumping as the band appeared on stage. And along with them came his girl.

His breath was caught in his throat as he looked at her walking to the drum, a huge smile lodged on her lips. She looked so happy, happy like she had always looked when playing. There was nothing Joey loved more than her job. She had fought so much to get there, Matthew could barely get a glimpse of how good she felt playing as a professional drummer.

Looking at her sitting behind the drum in a My Chemical Romance concert, with that sweet and happy grin on her face, made him fall a thousand times harder in love with her. He felt proud of her and jealous of all the people who had been able to see her glowing in joy in the latest months when he had been away from her.

- “You fucked it up! Now fix it!”

Gubler never noticed the countdown of the music had started, and all the kids were yelling every word in “Look Alive Sunshine” until Gerard’s voice took him from his thoughts. Joey started playing, and the singer yelled.

- Oakland!! Make some noise!!- and the show started.

The whole crowd jumped, and Matthew jumped along with them, his eyes locked in Joey, who was lost in her drum. He smiled, watching how her lips now moved along with the song, murmuring the lyrics. Of course, she had toured with them long enough to learn all the lyrics of each song. She would probably deny it but sing them in the shower when she knew no one was listening.

The first one who spotted Matthew was Mikey. He frowned as he looked at Gubler standing in the first row, not getting what the fuck was going on. But Matthew never cared -he hadn’t actually considered- the fact the band could spot him in the audience. There was no one else on that stage but Joey for him, and that’s why she was the only person he had eyes for.

As soon as “Na Na Na” ended, Mikey walked to Frank. The intro of “Mama” started, so the bassist talked as fast as possible.

- "Dude, Gubler is here"- Iero looked at him frowning- "The first row, staring at Joey"- Frank looked over and saw him. He hadn’t seen him ever since New Year, and if there was one thing the Jersey boy was dying to do was to break Matthew’s face so hard no one would ever recognize him again.

- "Mother fucker"- he said and didn’t take his eyes from the actor- "I’m gonna kill him!"

But at the moment, he didn’t have the chance, ‘cos he had to play a show. But for a second, he and Mikey shared a look and turned to Joey. She was playing, eyes shut, smiling. They knew she still had no idea what was going on. And that was ok for them.

It wasn’t long until Gerard found the actor. It wasn’t hard to see him ‘cos he was the tallest guy in the front row and the only one who wasn’t looking at him. Matthew was the guy who stood still, hypnotized with each movement of the drummer, drooling over her like a kid staring at his first love. Gerard felt how his whole body shook in anger. Even his hands shook with a deep desire to kill him. Right there, in front of everybody. But he couldn’t. He had to keep on singing, keep on playing. Keep on pretending everything was ok, not just for the show and the kids, but for Joey too. He kept wishing she hadn’t seen him yet. Maybe she could never see him.

But the singer needed to let Gubler know he was fucked. And so he stood right in front of him, at the very edge of the stage, and managed it to catch his eyes. Both of them looking at each other in such deep hate, it was obvious the pair knew they despised each other. Gerard didn’t think about it twice. He had the higher ground. It would be a shame not to take advantage. And so, he spit on Matthew, and an evil smirked lodged on him as he saw him cleaning his face in anger. That was a little piece of sweet, sweet revenge. But it still wasn’t enough to make the actor pay for everything he had put Joey through.

Ray widened his eyes when he spotted Matthew, just the second Gerard spitted on him. He saw the whole moment in action and knew it was gonna be hell after the show. What was Gubler doing there? Trying to get Joey back. Ray knew that moment was gonna come, eventually. Toro knew how much Matthew loved her. It was crystal clear for everybody to see.

Ray was the only one who could keep a cold head to analyze the whole picture, and that’s why he always tried to remind his friends Joey and Matthew weren’t a subject they could decide on. It wasn’t something related to them at all, though they were friends with her. They were their own thing, a thing they could merely watch but never ever control. It was clear neither of his friends had listened, and so Toro sighed. He was going to have to stop a big fight after that concert.

- "The next song"- Gerard said after “House of Wolves” was over. It was Joey’s favorite song, and they played it as often as possible- "It’s about being a kid, about you being a kid, about me being a kid, about us being a kid, about you having a kid"- Joey raised her eyes from the drums and looked straight into Gerard’s eyes. That’s when she heard him.

- "Yami!!"- it was Matthew’s voice, but it couldn’t be. Joey frowned and looked around.

- "Yami!!"- he yelled and raised the banner. Frank, Mikey, and Gerard looked at him in the most honest and pure hate anyone could have ever seen from them. Ray tried to concentrate on Joey. She was the one he cared about at that second. And when he saw the puzzled expression on her face as she looked at him, asking what was going on, Ray couldn’t control himself and pointed at the actor.

Joey’s heart stopped. It was Matthew, it was really him, standing there, on the first row of the concert, staring at her with the biggest smile anyone had ever had around her in her life. And he was holding a banner that read, “The distance is nothing when one has a motive.” She couldn’t move. She didn’t know what to do. He just smiled at her and mouthed, “I love you.”

- "Bug!! Bug, are you ok?"- Mikey waved in front of the drum and looked worried at the girl. She just nodded at him and then at Frankie, who stood next to the bassist.

- "Yeah, I’m ok"- she smiled and started counting. It was time to play “Kids from yesterday.”

Everybody loved that song, and she wasn’t going to fuck it up, not even if her eyes and mind were stuck looking at Matthew in front of her, as he kept smiling like a kid on Christmas morning as she played.

Gerard stared at the scene, and it felt he was gonna make a tantrum in the middle of the stage. Joey was staring at Matthew, and her whole face had lit up, even if she didn’t want to. And just like a little child, Gerard made sure to stand right between the two of them to stop them from looking at each other. And like if they could all build a fortress, Frank and Mikey stood around the drumset, protecting Joey, trying to make sure Matthew knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere near her, over their dead bodies.

Matthew didn’t give a damn. He just wanted to look at her. He just wanted her to know she was the most important person in his life and that he was willing to drop anything and everything just to be near her.

The song was ending. Joey kept playing drums, her eyes glued to Matthew’s, until Mikey stared at her, counting the beat at the song’s end. She nodded at her friend and kept playing, both of them, the two of them, to finish the song together, just like they had done for over five months now, in perfect timing. Joey loved that part, and he knew it, ‘cos it was the only part of the show they had a little solo. Mikey was happy Matthew didn’t take that moment from them. At least he felt Joey was still in the zone, playing and being present at the show and not lost in thoughts.

Joey was lost in thoughts, she was making her best to play a good show. But Matthew’s appearance had moved the ground underneath her feet. It had been the biggest and warmest surprised she had had in a long time.

“I’m not ok” set the mood for the rest of the concert. No one on that stage was ok. But Gerard was the one affected the most. He would sing, giving his back to the audience and looking at Joey as often as possible. He knew that was going to drive Matthew insane, but it also helped him stay focused.

His eyes locked in Joey’s face tried to read her. She looked… happier. And that hurt, ‘cos though Gerard knew she didn’t love him back, it didn’t help to know he was still in her heart. It was so obvious she was in love with him even a blind man would see it. Even Joey would try to keep her eyes shut or look away, she would always end up looking at Matthew, and Gerard could swear a smile lodged on her lips each time she saw the actor. It made him want to punch a wall, or Gubler’s face, whatever came first.

- "Give me all your fucking money!!"- Gerard yelled and ran to the drum set as Joey started playing “Vampire Money” with a huge smile- "Are you ready, Ray!!"

- "Yeah!"

- "How about you, Sugar?"

- "Yeah!!"

- "How about you, Frank?"

- "Fuck you, Gubler!"- he answered, and Joey turned to him in shock, though Iero looked at her with the cutest and most adorable smile on earth.

- "How about you, Mikey?"- Gee yelled

- "Fucking ready!"

- "I think I’m alright."

Gerard would always call Joey “Bug” when he addressed her in that part of the show. It was the only moment of the day he could call her by a nickname, and “Bug” was her official band nickname. But that day, Way wanted to make a difference. He wanted to make it sound a little more personal than it was in real life. “Sugar” fit perfectly, and in his mind, Gerard would always call her Sugar.

Somehow, being so angry brought a different energy to the band while playing. They were mad into it. Gerard sang as his life depended on it, while Mikey wouldn’t stop moving, and looking in the most threatening way possible at Gubler, every once in a while. Frank would jump and yell and shout, playing his guitar with the energy of a caffeinated hyper ten years old. Matthew never even saw them. He couldn’t care less. All there was for him on that stage was Joey behind the drum, looking at him with the corner of her eye every couple of minutes.

She didn’t know what to think or what to feel. She was in shock. What was Matthew doing there? What was he going to do next? What was he planning? Joey needed to run away from that stage and hide under a gigantic pillow ‘cos she had no idea how to face what was going on, though, at the same time, she was dying to run to Matthew and hug him. She just felt so good to know he had followed her to see her one more time. She felt special like he always made her feel.

Gerard started singing Cancer, and Joey turned to one side of the stage. Jamia looked at her, literally waving. She could perfectly read her lips, “What the fuck?” and the drummer could only shrug.

- "Hey"- Mikey appeared in front of the drummer and cut him a quick, shy smile- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah, just surprised."

- "You knew?"

- "I had no idea"- he nodded and looked around

- "Just a few more songs, then we can go hide and eat a pretty good dinner"- Joey smiled at him and watched him walk back to his side of the stage.

But Joey didn’t want to hide in her room and eat dinner with Mikey. Though she refused to admit it, all she wanted to do was to stand in front of Matthew and feel his eyes fondling her skin as he talked to her, just like he was doing at that moment, from a distance. She could feel his eyes running up and down her skin, though she didn’t look at him.

Jamia nearly jumped on Joey as soon as the girl reached backstage. The babies were miraculously sound asleep. No one got how, considering a huge rock concert had been happening that whole time a few meters away from them.

- "Oh my god, what the fuck??!"- Jamia made her best to whisper/scream to not wake the babies, but to make Joey wide open her eyes and frown.

- "I swear I have no idea!!"

- "He is adorable!!"

- "He is a cheater Jamia"- Frank interrupted his wife and took off his shirt, frowning- "And you shouldn’t be that excited. He is just trying to win her over."

- "He is being romantic, Frank"- Jamia corrected him and looked at Joey again- "What are you gonna do?"

- "I don’t know"

- "Call him!!"

Jamia was the closest to a best friend from high school Joey had ever had. Sure, back in the days, she had Tabatha, but her friend had her share of social life, and Joey was always shut down to any kind of social interaction. Now Jamia was talking about boys and telling her to call one. If that was high school talk, Joey had no idea what it was.

But before she could actually make a decision, her phone rang in her backpack, and J widened her eyes in excitement.

- "I swear to God, Jamia! you are just acting like this ‘cos you think he is hot!"- Frank turned around to see his wife, clearly annoyed, as Joey grabbed her phone and held it tight in her hands, not knowing what to do.

- "I’m just being honest with my friend. He is being cute and asking for a second chance. Coming unannounced to a concert with a cute banner is the sweetest thing I’ve seen a guy doing for love!"- Jamia stopped talking, and Joey’s cell stopped ringing. She looked at it feeling disappointed, until a second later, it started ringing again.

- "For Christ’s sake! Answer!"- Jamia sounded annoyed, and Joey did as told, not really thinking about her own actions. She just… deep down wanted to do it.

- "Hello?"

- "Hey..."- Matthew stood still in the middle of the arena, waiting for the kids to leave the place, he was anxious to know what Joey thought of what he had done, and though he had thought about waiting for a while to call her, he just couldn’t control himself.

- "What was that?"- Joey asked, blushing, as she locked herself in the bathroom.

- "That was me dying to see you, traveling to Oakland to be with you, even from a distance"

- "Why did you do that?"- Joey managed to ask, feeling she was nearly mumbling each word.

- "‘Cos I love you, ‘cos I miss you…"

Neither of them was able to say another word. Matthew was nervous and didn’t know how Joey managed the whole situation, though her voice sounded peaceful and calm. That should be a good sign.

- "You shouldn’t have…"- she whispered and felt her heart was about burst inside her chest

- "Do you wanna come out for a minute and talk?"- she wanted to, so badly, but it scared her to think what would happen if Frank, or even Gerard, got near Gubler.

- "Where are you?"

- "Still here"

- "You haven’t moved?"

- "Nop"- Matthew smiled and looked around- "I don’t know if they are planning to kick me out though"

- "Give me five minutes, I’ll change into something dry, and I’ll be right there."

Gerard Way was in hell. Literally burning alive as he watched Joey walking out of the bathroom in a fresh shirt and combed hair made a ponytail. She had even fixed her makeup.

- “God! She even got pretty for him!! What the fuck?! How can she be so eager to forgive him?!”- his eyes could burn holes in the wall as he did his best to look away from Joey.

- "Hey Bug, what are you gonna do?"- Mikey asked her as he stood next to her and held her hands. Gerard hated that too. He had managed to decode each movement from his brother around Joey like he was her couple. Lynz’s words had really fucked up with his brain. And if he was jealous of Mikey before, now it was turning into something worse.

- "I’m gonna go talk to him"

- "Are you sure that’s a good idea?"- Mikey looked worried, but Joey smiled at him and held his hand tighter.

- "Yeah, don’t worry, I’m gonna be ok."

- "If he does anything to you, I’m gonna break his fucking face"- Frank added from the other side of the room, already in a clean shirt and now holding one of the babies in his arms. For someone who sounded so threatening, he surely didn’t look the part.

- "It’s ok kids, let Joey take her own decisions, ok?"- Ray finally spoke up and sighed- "She knows we are here for her no matter what, but she has to do what her heart tells her to do."

- "Thank you, dad, but don’t think for a minute I’m gonna forgive him"

- "Even if you do, Bug. You will always count on me"- the guitarist walked to her and kissed her temple.

- "Best dad ever"- she whispered and opened the door.

Matthew felt his heart stop in his chest when he saw her walking over to him. He did the only thing that came to his mind and raised the banner he still held in his hands, so she could find him. It wasn’t hard to see him. There weren’t many people left at the arena, mostly just the crew setting everything to go.

- "Hey"- Joey said and waved as she walked to him and stood right in front of him. Just like she had imagined, she could feel the warmth of her eyes traveling down her face as he stared at her in pure bliss and love.

- "Hey"- he replied and smiled. He didn’t really want to talk. He didn’t know what to say. All he could think of was to kiss her and hold her tight.

- "What are you doing here, Matthew?"- she finally asked and crossed her arms on her chest to remind herself she couldn’t feel anything but anger against him and that she shouldn’t be so happy to see him. Or worse, she shouldn’t be showing him how happy she was to see him.

- "I just wanted you to know how much I love you"

- "By traveling to San Francisco to see a show?"

- "With a handmade banner"- he added and smiled.

- “That damn fucking adorable smile is gonna be the end of me,”- Joey sighed, thinking what to say next, making her best to stay calmed and not drooling over him.

- "That was a good touch."

- "Thanks, just like Lizzy, I would walk any distance just to be with you ‘cos you are my whole purpose."

Joey nodded, melting inside, as she made her best to stay cold and look indifferent. She didn’t know if it was working, but she wanted to believe so.

- "I’m not gonna forgive you just 'cos you showed up unannounced to a show"- that was all that came to her mind, it wasn’t the most intelligent answer, but it was all she had.

- "I wasn’t expecting you to forgive me today"- he simply replied and shrugged. There was a weird mix of security and happiness around his whole attitude Joey couldn’t wrap her mind around.

- "Good"- that was the whole answer she could give him, furrowing her brows. Matthew stared at her in silence for a second and took a step forward, closing the gap between them a little.

- "It was an amazing show, by the way"- he said and smiled. Joey’s knees shook as a response.

- "Thanks"- she whispered and looked down

- "How’s the little bean?"

- "Good… floating, I guess. I’ve felt pretty good today."

- "That’s great"- the two of them nodded at the same time and stayed quiet- "Remember to play the tracks I made for the bean."

- "Yeah, I will tonight."

- "They are just for the baby, so no peeking, ok?"- Matthew’s voice felt velvety as he talked close to Joey. She managed to raise her eyes from the ground, and Gubler swore his heart could be heard from any corner of that arena as it beat harder just to feel her looking at him.

- "I’ll put the headphones on the belly, so it will be the first secret you can share with your baby"- she smiled at the end of her answer, and Matthew held his breath.

- "That’s the cutest thing I could think of"- he mumbled, and the two of them stared in silence, sharing a moment that was a mix between love and angst.

Joey was still fighting to get away from him and stay mad at him. She had to play over and over again, like an old movie, the pictures she saw of Matthew cheating, just to keep herself from wrapping her arms around his neck.

- "Does she look in pain to you?!"- Jamia pushed Frank back as he kept trying to walk towards Joey and Matthew and drag her away from him.

- "She is gonna cry! He is gonna make her cry!"

- "Frank! This is not your war! Look at them and tell me they are not in love! If this was a cartoon, there would be hearts above their heads!"- Jamia was right, but Frank didn’t want to listen.

- "Hey!! Asshole!!"- Frank yelled, and Joey turned to him, frowning- "Stay the fuck away from her!!"

- "Oh shit!"- the words sneaked through her lips as Matthew looked at Frank and didn’t find anything better to do but to wave, infuriating Iero even more- "You know he wants to kill you, right?"

- "I am aware… the way they all looked at me made it pretty clear during the show, Gerard actually spit on my face."

The way Matthew said, it didn’t sound like it was a big deal. But it was, and Joey’s eyes were wide open as soon as she heard him.

- "He did what??!"- and she shouted- "Who the fuck does he think he is??!"

The young woman’s face was red in anger, and she quickly turned around and headed to the backstage area. But Matthew stopped her, grabbing her hand quickly.

- "Hey! Hey! Calm down, it’s ok! I don’t care!"

- "But I care!! This has nothing to do with him! He is not even my friend!! What the fuck does he think he is doing?!"

Unfortunately, the scene didn’t really look good from a distance, and Frank watching them, not getting what they were talking about, could only see his friend trying to get rid of Matthew and him not letting her go.

- "Take your hands off her!!"- Frank shouted and ran over, Jamia following close behind- "I said let go!!"- he pushed Matthew and put an arm in front of Joey, trying to keep her back.

- "What the fuck, dude?"- Joey shouted.

- "I don’t want him to hurt you, Bug!"

- "I’m not hurting her!!"- Matthew frowned, feeling insulted- "Why would I hurt the mother of my baby?!"

- "He ain’t hurting me!!"- Joey supported him, ‘cos Frank actually ignored Gubler’s words

- "Doesn’t look like he is being pretty nice either!!"

- "Frank! Stop it! Joey says nothing is going on!"- Jamia held Frank’s arm as Matthew tried to cool down the mood.

- "Hey! Nothing is going on"- Gubler used the calmest voice he could to talk to Iero- "I understand you wanna protect Joey from me ‘cos I was an asshole and fucked it up, but I am not gonna hurt her!! Ok?"

- "What fuck do you know! You broke her, and I am not gonna let you near her again!"- and just like the day Mikey had told him the same, Matthew’s heart tightened in his chest, listening to Frank yelling how badly he had hurt the woman he loved.

- "I can take care of myself!!"- Joey shouted- "So stop it! Now let me go kill that mother fucker!!"- the drummer turned around and started jogging to the dressing room. But Matthew followed her quickly and grabbed her hand again.

- "Please don’t! Joey, I don’t care! He can do whatever he wants to do. That ain’t gonna stop me!"

- "You don’t get it! I hate the guy! And the fact he thinks he can come and spit on your face like he is the fucking king of the world, or that he can avenge my sorrow, it’s wrong!!"- Joey pushed and let go of Matthew’s grip and continued her way until she opened the door and found Gerard, Mikey, and Ray playing with the twins.

- "Hey Bug"- Mikey turned and smiled, but Joey ignored him, ‘cos her eyes were locked on Gerard’s, staring at him with pure hate.

- "What the fuck is your problem, kúkalabbi (scumbag)?"- she spit every word with contempt- "You fucking think you can come and do whatever you want ‘cos you are the fucking lead singer of a band?"

Gerard frowned, though he had a hint of what might have happened.

- "I don’t care what the fuck came through your mind at the moment! You can’t spit on someone’s face! You can’t spit on Matthew’s face!"

Mikey wide opened his eyes as soon as he heard those words. Even for him, that was a little too much.

- "Joey, I think I can…"- Gerard tried to explain.

- "Haltu kjafti! (shut up!) No, you can’t!"- but Joey shut him up in a second- "This is my problem, my battle, and my fucking business!! You have no right in trying to avenge me! None!"

- "He fucking cheated on you, and you are mad at me?!"- he frowned, surprised, not getting what was going on.

- "Yes! I am mad at you! You are not even my friend, and you were doing shit I never asked you or wished for you to do!"

- "If I want to spit on his face, I can fucking do it!"- Gerard shouted back- "I hate the fucking bastard!"

- "So I can spit on yours then!!"- and Joey was about to do it when Matthew rushed and covered her mouth.

- "No! No! No!"- he held her tight, but sweetly- "Calm down! please! Calm down!"

- "What the fuck are you doing here?!"- and Gerard freaked out at the sight of Gubler- "Get the fuck out!"

- "I will be gone as soon as Joey asks me to leave"- Matthew simply answered and looked into Gerard’s eyes with the same hate yet calm he had the last time he saw Way at Mikey’s New Year’s eve party.

- "Who the fuck do you think you are?! Get out before I kick you out!"- at that point, Jamia and Frank were in the room as well. Jamia had an eye put on her babies, playing in their cart, while holding Frank back to keep him from getting into that fight.

- "Stop it!"- Joey managed to move from Matthew’s grip and looked into Gerad’s eyes in a fury- "I hate you!"

She didn’t yell, but her words were a dagger and cold as ice. The honesty was evident. Maybe now Gerard was going to understand he had to step back. She looked at him in the eyes for a second, then grabbed her things and stormed out, followed closely by Matthew.

- "What the fuck?"- Mikey asked to break the awkward silence that hung in the room after Joey had stormed out.

- "I spit on his face today, when I saw him there, looking at her with his stupid fucking puppy eyes, I just… lost it and spit on him- Gerard murmured, and his voice broke.

She hated him. She meant it. How was he going to win her back if she hated him? Jamia’s jaw fell as soon as she heard him. One thing was hating the guy, even trying to punch him, but spitting on someone’s face, that was… well, it seemed offensive and degrading. It was over the top.

- "Not that I wouldn’t think about doing something like it, but…"- Frank started, but Jamia’s eyes stopped him

- "That was out of line, Gerard"- Ray said with a calm, though stern tone of voice- "I told you all, the only thing you are gonna accomplish by acting like a bunch of possessive friends is to push her away. If you all call yourself her friends, you can’t fucking do this shit!"

It felt like Ray was scolding his kids. Mikey wanted to argue, but it was true, just like the day he had hit Matthew in Joey’s house, and she had freaked out and gotten mad at him.

- "I would do it again if I could"- Gerard whispered and sat down, fighting the urges of smoking a cigarette.

- "That’s why you ain’t her friend"- Ray added, and the look coming from Way’s eyes let him know he wasn’t happy with the reply- "Her words, not mine."

Matthew followed Joey on her way out of the arena. The cold air hit her skin and made her shiver as they stood foot outside the building.

- "Here"- he quickly took his hoodie off and gave it to her. She didn’t argue. She was too mad to argue about anything else. She was also too mad to talk about it. She just wanted to walk away from everything. Walk and ease her mind.

- "Excuse me, Joey?"- a girl walked over with a huge smile and forced her to take her eyes from the ground- "Can I have your autograph, please?"- Matthew wide opened his eyes in amazement. Joey quickly smiled and grabbed a sharpie from her bag. She signed the girl’s ticket to the show and smiled for a selfie with her.

- "Wow"- Matthew chuckled as the girl was gone- "That was…"

- "Weird, I know"

- "That was amazing! Kids are reacting to your work! Kids are looking at you and being excited about what you do! I am so fucking proud!"- he didn’t really stop himself to think. He just wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight.

- "Thanks"- she whispered and felt how her cheeks turned pink- It’s still pretty weird. It’s not something that happens all the time, but…

- "It’s impressive, Joey!"- Matthew nearly yelled- "I mean it, sometimes it shocks me how cooler and greater you can be!"

He sounded honest. He sounded proud. Joey’s heartbeat in joy with those words but didn’t say a word. She was thankful it was night, and the street lights weren’t illuminating his face properly, or he would be able to see how blushed and nervous she was.

- "Don’t overreact"- she murmured and kept on walking in silence. Matthew sighed and walked with her, stuffing his hands in his pocket to stop himself from trying to hold her hand.

- "Are you hungry?"- he asked after a while

- "No"

- "When was your last meal?"

- "An apple and a fun size Snicker before the show"

- "Mikey keeps controlling your candies?"

- "Yes… but Jamia is a horrible influence"- Joey chuckled at the thought of the two of them that afternoon acting like kids- "She gives me Oreos"

- "That’s drugs!"- Matthew acted shocked- You shouldn’t!

- "I know! But they are so good!"- the drummer smiled. Talking about anything was better than addressing the pink elephant in the room.

- "And how’s Jamia?"

- "Great, she is baby training me with the twins."

- "That’s very nice of her"

- "Yeah, and the babies are the sweetest…"- Joey made a pause and sighed- "She is the only rooting for you."

- "I knew I liked her for a reason."

- "Frank keeps saying it’s because she has the hots for you."

- "She doesn’t"

- "She totally does"- and the young woman laughed at her own words. Matthew only smiled widely to hear her happy for a moment- "I was actually considering selling Frank a picture of you in underwear for her birthday."

- "Double the price, and we go halfsies"- Gubler answered and chuckled- "I can even pose like a french model."

- "Deal"- there was a silence between them that lasted a few minutes. Gubler didn’t know what to say, and Joey didn’t know either.

- "Are you sure you are not hungry?"- he asked, just to ask anything

- "Do you think I overreacted back there?"- she just spit it. She was scared she had exaggerated the whole deal, and now the guys were going to fire her. Gerard could. He definitely should after how she acted with him. He was, after all, the closest thing she had to a boss. They were all the people she worked for, not with.

- "No, Joey, you didn’t… I mean… I really don’t care how he acts with me ‘cos I know he is a mother fucker asshole in love with you."

Joey’s heart froze at those words. She widened her eyes and looked at Matthew. She had almost forgotten he had always said that about Gerard. And he was absolutely right.

- "I know it’s true. I don’t care what he says, he is crystal clear, but that’s not the point."

- "The point is, I totally yelled at him in front of everybody, told him I hated him and stormed out the room like a brat after I tried to spit on his face… thank you for stopping me, by the way."

- "You are very welcome"- Matthew sighed and looked at his hand- "You totally spit on me, though"- he joked and cleaned his hand on Joey’s sleeve.

- "Gross!!"- she argued and chuckled- "This is your hoodie, by the way"

- "Damn it!"- the two of them smiled and just walked around.

- "Maybe I could eat some pizza"- Joey whispered and pointed to a little restaurant in the next corner

- "Pizza it is."

Mikey looked at his clock as he stared at the ceiling in his room. It was eleven-thirty, no news from Joey. He was worried but didn’t want to call her, ‘cos after hearing Ray talking, he didn’t want to push her away. He didn’t want to make her feel like he was mad at her. He was just worried. Worried as fuck. Feared to lose her, to see her sad again. Worried she might leave forever.

A knock on the door made him jump from his bed and run to the answer. It was Gerard. He looked like shit. Mikey left the door open and let him in, walking back to his bed.

- "How are you?"- his question was pretty stupid considering Gerard’s puffy eyes.

- "I fucked it up, right?"

- "Yeah… but in your defense…"- Mikey stayed quiet and thought about his words- "Well…"

- "I know, it wasn’t the way to deal with him"

- "It definitely wasn’t… but I don’t think it was so bad on its own. I think when you mix this with all the stupid shit you’ve done to Joey."

- "I haven’t done anything"

- "But keep harassing her and telling her that you love her"- Gerard groaned, annoyed, and laid back on the bed, hiding his face under his hands.

- "But I love her"

- "Dude! You are mad if you think this shit is gonna work. She clearly loves him. I’m starting to think she is gonna forgive him though I don’t want her to. And you are fucking married. There is no way you can get anything with her."

- "But maybe..."

- "She doesn’t love you, Gerard!"- Mikey shouted- "She doesn’t! You never stood a chance! And now she hates you! You can’t even be her friend. After today, you can’t even fucking try! You dig your own grave!"

Gerard heard his younger brother’s words. He wasn’t even sugarcoating it. Maybe that way, Gee would understand. Maybe he was doing it ‘cos he loved him. Mikey was being tuff ‘cos he was also pretty tired of his brother’s attitude. Gerard wasn’t being rational. He was acting like an animal, with no clear thoughts, just based on his instincts.

- "And what do I do now?"- Way whispered, and Mikey sighed.

- "Start with apologizing and pray she doesn’t want to leave the band"- the singer wide opened his eyes. He hadn’t thought about that, but it was a serious chance. Maybe he had pushed her too far.

- "Do you think she can quit?"

- "I don’t know what can happen. She isn’t the kind of girl who can take these kinds of things very easily"

- "If she can forgive Matthew, she can forgive me"- Gerard thought out loud

- "She loves him, she hates you, you do the math."

- "But we are in the middle of a tour. She can’t leave like that."

- "I think the same, but it all depends on her."

- "What does Ray think of this?"

- "I haven’t talked to him"- Gerard grabbed his phone and dialed Toro’s number.

Ray frowned as he stared at the brothers. Mikey was lying on the bed, looking at his phone, waiting for a call or a text from Joey. Gerard was walking in circles in the room, rambling about making Joey stay in the band.

- "If she wants to leave, she can leave"- Toro said when there was finally silence in the room. Both Ways looked at him, shocked, but Ray just smiled- "Hey! It’s her fucking decision! Not ours!"

- "Do you want her to leave?!"- Mikey nearly yelled

- "No way! I love her in the band! I’m just saying if she decides something, we should respect her."

- "You keep saying the same shit! And you are not considering the fact she could make a mistake"- Gerard frowned and kept walking in circles.

- "Come on! She ain’t a baby! And she ain’t yours to take care of! She can manage herself pretty well, so stop it! You just don’t want her to leave, I can understand that! but just stop giving her reasons to do it!"- Ray didn’t know if Mikey was aware of how fuck up his brother was. And Mikey didn’t know if Ray knew Gerard had given her plenty of reasons to leave already.

- "She is not even here yet!"- Gerard was thinking to himself, but his friends could listen to him clearly- "I bet she already forgave him."

- "Still not your problem!"- Ray added, frustrated.

- "I love her! How can’t it be my problem!"- it felt so good to take it out of his chest, but Ray’s shocked face made Gerard realize he had said too much- "I mean, she is my friend, and…"

- "Oh come on!"- Mikey argued, sick of listening to his brother talking about his feelings- "You are in love with her, and it’s sick! Deal with it!"

- "And it’s not like you are making it hard to guess anyway"- Toro added- "Frank has been arguing you have feelings for her for months now."

- "And you told her your “feelings,” and she rejected you!"- Mikey said, making Ray insanely curious. He needed to know the details of that story.

- "What I feel is not your fucking business"- Gerard said defensibly.

- "It is if you are making this kind of show! Your wife will be here in a few days, so get your shit together and be professional for once!"- Ray argued and sighed- "I’m going to bed now, please try to leave that woman make her own desitions and her own life, and just focus on being good friends"- he said and waved- "And don’t fuck it up!"

The night was cold. The wind played with Joey’s hair as she stood outside her hotel, biting her lips, holding her backpack tight, and making her best not to look Matthew in the eyes as he stood in front of her, smiling. It all gave her the first date vibes. Like they hadn’t been down that path already.

- "Well… I better go. I’ve got another flight tomorrow"- she whispered, and he nodded.

- "Yes, you have to rest, you just played a kickass show"- he answered and smiled- "And our little bean must be exhausted with all the walking we just did."

- "Little bean is floating carelessly inside my tummy, making me crave for a brownie"- Matthew chuckled and opened his backpack.

- "I just have cashews"- and he handed her a paper bag. She couldn’t help but smile at him as she grabbed it and opened it in a second.

- "Your addiction coming in handy"- he chuckled and nodded.

- "I’ve got more if you want"- Matthew started looking in his backpack, but Joey stopped him.

- " Thanks, but these are enough for today"- they stayed in silence for a second, Joey staring at the bag, Matthew staring at her, caressing her skin with his eyes, looking at her eyes, her lips, her hair- "Are you going back home tomorrow?"- she asked and still didn’t dare to look at him in the eyes.

- "Not yet"- he whispered and bit his lips, wishing she wouldn’t ask him if he was going to keep on following her. A part of him wanted to keep it a secret surprise for one more show, at least. And a huge part of her was too scared to ask if she was going to see him at another show.

- "Well… take care"- she said and finally managed to stare into his eyes. It was a mistake, considering how badly she wanted to kiss him and how much she had to argue to herself to avoid doing it. And he was looking at her in adoration, with such love she felt she could melt like an ice cube under the July sun.

- "Remember to play the bean my tracks"- he said, and she nodded.

- "I surely will"

- "I don’t want the bean to forget about me."

- "That won’t happen, I promise"- they just stared in silence for a moment, Matthew almost leaning over to kiss her- "Ok, bye"- Joey waved and turned around.

- "Wait!"- Gubler held her hand and stopped her. He walked to her and wrapped his arms around her. She stood still, not moving an inch, as his warmth filled her skin under her clothes, and his lips pressed a kiss on the top of her head- "Take care"

- "You too"- she mumbled, words having trouble to leave her lips ‘cos his closeness was killing her- "Wait, I still I’ve got your hoodie"- she tried to move away from him to take it out, but Matthew looked at her and shook his head.

- "Keep it… please"- Joey had left all of Matthew’s clothing back in her apartment, ‘cos she didn’t want to carry anything that reminded her of him for the next month. Having his hoodie was against her own rules. Then why did it make her feel so happy?

- "Thanks"- she moved apart from him and watched his smile for one last time- "Good night Matthew Gray"- her words were a whisper that made him shiver. He loved the way his name sounded like coming from her lips.

- "Good night María Josefina."

The actor waited until Joey was out of her sight to walk away from the hotel. He headed it to his hotel, a few blocks away. Ignoring the whole problem with Gerard, he thought things had been pretty good after all. He really didn’t care about Way at all. He knew he would give him a hard time. He just didn’t want him to make Joey feel bad. Joey was all that mattered to him. Mikey and Frank could threaten to hit him, even fulfill their threats. He didn’t care. He even agreed with them. He deserved to pay. But Gerard? No, he didn’t have any right to get into that fight. Gerard was an asshole who needed to stay away from Joey. He was the one Matthew hated.

- “I don’t think I had ever hated someone as bad as I hate that son of a bitch”- but that didn’t matter at the moment, now Matthew had a bigger issue to tackle: Which was going to be the phrase in the banner he had to make for tomorrow’s show?.

There was a knock on Mikey’s door, minutes after Gerard had left. He groaned and walked to answer, to find Joey standing at the other side, with a shy smile on her lips, almost a sheepish look.

- "Are you mad at me?"- she whispered right away, and he opened his arms to hug her.

- "Never."

- "You swear? ‘cos I yelled at your brother I hate him in front of the whole band and tried to spit on his face"

- "He was out of place, and he deserved it"- Mikey whispered and kissed the top of her head. His touch felt so different from Matthew’s a few minutes ago. It almost made Joey feel guilty that her friend had kissed her head after the man she loved had done the same. Almost like she was cheating.

- "And are you mad Matthew was there?"- Mikey let her go and invited her in.

- "Are you ok with him being there?"

Joey stayed in silence, walking into the room, standing next to the bed instead of sitting down. She looked down at her hands and didn’t say anything. Ray’s words were starting to make sense to Mikey as he looked at her and thought she was going to start drifting away from him if he continued being an ass.

- "Bug, it’s ok. I am not gonna get mad at you… if you love him, if you want to be with him, I’m still gonna be your friend."

- "I just don’t know what I want"- she whispered and scratched her eyes, feeling tired and sleepy

- "Anything you want to talk about, I am here, and I swear I’m gonna be the best friend in the world, and I am not gonna judge you, I am not gonna freak out, and more than anything, I am just going to worry about your happiness, ok?"- Joey pouted at her friend and wrapped her arms around him.

- "I just don’t want you to be mad at me ‘cos you are my best friend."

- "I will never get mad at you Bug, you are my little sister, and I love you. I just want to take care of you."

- "I don’t like it when people try to take care of me. I know what I’m doing."

- "I know…"

- "But I’m gonna let it slide with you ‘cos you are my brother"- she said and chuckled against his shirt. Mikey kissed the top of her head again, and she chuckled- "Just don’t push me."

- "I won’t…"- Mikey chuckled and moved to look at her- "We are cheesy, though"

- "So fucking cheesy!!"- Joey chuckled and sighed, relieved- "Ok, now that I took that from my chest, I need to go to bed. I am so fucking tired."

- "Did you eat?"

- "Yeah, Gubler bought dinner"

- "And he also gave you his clothes apparently"- Mikey pointed her hoodie and noticed she blushed.

- "Yeah… I’ll still steal yours, you know"- he smiled and messed with her hair.

- "I’m counting on it. I actually had them washed"

- "Thank you so fucking much!!"

Mikey felt a little better after Joey left. She was worried he was mad at her when he was concerned about the same. She didn’t say a word about leaving the band. That was even better. And she didn’t look sad after being with Matthew. That was enough to let him sleep calmly that night.

Joey was weary. She kicked off her shoes and laid on the bed, closing her eyes. Matthew’s smell surrounding her made her smile and sigh. Yes, he had been romantic. Yes, she had butterflies in her stomach. Yes, she loved him. None of that took away the fact he was a cheater, but he was trying to make amends. That was undeniable. How much was he willing to try? And how much was enough for her to forgive her? Neither of that she knew, but it didn’t matter at the moment. For a few seconds, Joey allowed herself to be in love.

Before she drifted off in her sleep, she remembered Matthew asked her to play the songs he had put on the iPod for their baby. She didn’t want to move from that bed, but she was way too curious to know what was in it.

- "Hey Bean, we are gonna tell your dad you are the only one who listened to it, but mom is gonna sneak a little bit, ok?"- the young woman whispered to her tummy, feeling like a dork.

- "I’m gonna take that silence as a yes"- she put on a headphone and placed another on her belly.

- "Hey Bean!"- Matthew’s voice caught her breath as soon as the first track started- "It’s me! Your dad! I wanted to record these for you so you can remember my voice while you are away with your mommy, ok? Sorry, it’s not the most soothing voice you’ll ever hear, but I love you, so I guess it’ll have to do the trick"- Joey chuckled and closed her eyes, refusing to take out that hoodie, listening to Matthew’s voice, and drowning in his scent.

- "So let’s start with a bedtime story, I’ve got the feeling you are doing a lot of sleeping in there, so I’ll read you one of my favorites growing up"- Joey’s heart melt with each word recorded on that iPod

- "I promise when you are out of your mommy, I’m gonna reread it, and you’ll tell me if you like it, ok? Now, let’s get to business:"

“I am Sam. I am Sam. Sam-I-Am.

That Sam-I-Am! That Sam-I-Am! I do not like that Sam-I-Am!

Do you like green eggs and ham?

I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.”

Slowly and softly, Matthew’s voice relaxed Joey like a sweet lullaby, and she fluttered her eyes until she fell asleep safe and sound as his reading continued reading Dr. Seuss's stories to their baby.

Taglist: @all-tings-diego @worryd0ll

Do you wanna talk about this story, or be added to the taglist? send me a message here

#gerard way #matthew gray gubler #mikey way #ray toro #frank iero #mcr #mcr fanfic #mgg fanfic #babymetalldoll writes

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nikakistos · 3 years

Text

The mindset of Eren Yeager: The reason he rumbled the World

The topic I will be analyzing this time is Eren Yeager’s decisions and motivations in the final arc of the series. Many words have been said about our main protagonist, especially after his appearance in the final chapter, which made many question him and his actions. Given the dialogue between him and Armin it is not really hard to understand why. Isayama’s word choices have confused many fans. So, here I am. Trying to explain to the best of my ability what was going through Eren’s mind. Of course, I might be wrong. There have been many interpretations of the character after all, not to mention that Isayama will be releasing a character book the next month, which might explain things better. But, seeing as I will be in the army at the time, I figured I should write this now and compare my view to Isayama’s later on.

To begin with, we have to answer a very important question. What was Eren wish and what kind of life did he want to live? This question can easily be answered just by looking at Mikasa and Armin, Eren’s two most beloved people. These two represent what Eren wants out of life. Armin is responsible for Eren’s desire to be free. The outside world for Eren is freedom. Mikasa on the other hand represents Eren’s desire to be loved. She is his home to return to. You see, these two desires perfectly correspond with the visions Eren shared with his two friends in the paths. He used the paths to see with Armin all the places from Armin’s book that they imagined back when they were kids and he used the paths to live with Mikasa the life they never had the chance to live in the real world. Eren himself says he doesn’t want to die. He wants to live with Mikasa and everyone else. This is the kind of life he wants.

But he couldn’t. And it wasn’t because of some supernatural force that guided his own actions and prohibited him from making another decision. No. It was because of his personality and the circumstances he found himself in. After Eren saw the future his attitude changed. He was by far more silent and sad than usual. He saw himself committing mass-genocide. He also learnt that the world was not what he imagined it to be. Eren wanted the world to be just like Armin’s book described. Empty of humans, but full of beautiful places. However, between himself and his dream stood enemies. Countless people who had never seen them, all wishing them dead. The outside world had betrayed his expectations. For him, all these people that stood between him and his dream were just like the walls in Paradis. An obstacle. This is why, despite knowing that the Rumbling went against the justice he was supposedly fighting for, he decided to complete it. Deep down, he hated this world and he wanted to burn it down. This is in part due to his idea of freedom. For Eren, freedom is living your life the way you want it to, without ever taking orders from anyone. Doing whatever you want. This is why he was surprised by Levi’s follower attitude towards Erwin. With all his strength, he expected Levi to be the freest person in the legion. A world that continued to chain him down and disappoint him was something Eren could not tolerate. And when he got the power, he just wanted to erase it. He was free to do so. It is no coincidence that the panel of his father saying to him “you are free” appears at the same time that Eren reveals his desire to destroy the world. This burning desire of his to erase the world contradicts his view on people being special because they were born in it. If this world makes people special just because they were born in it, then why the fuck would you completely destroy it Eren? Well, that’s exactly the point. Eren’s though process is entirely irrational. That’s true for all humans to a degree. Our deepest and darkest desires are irrational. The part of Eren that wanted to bring the Apocalypse, just because the world wasn’t like he wanted it to be is exactly that. Eren had to choose between what was just and what made him feel free. He chose the latter.

Moving on to the more rational side of his motivations for doing the Rumbling. That is the safety of his friends and his island. Eren genuinely cared for all of his friends. Mikasa and Armin were special, but he also cared for Historia, Jean, Connie, Sasha etc. He even cared for fucking Floch. And, obviously he cared for the island that he was raised in. He couldn’t just let the world annihilate them. This is like, the core of his ideology. If you fight, you might survive. If you just roll over, then you get fucked. Eren is not the type to get fucked. However, this did not mean that Eren wouldn’t opt for a different solution if a better option presented itself. After all, he did appear in the speech given by the Organization that protected the rights of the Eldians. The first problem here is that when Eren saw the memories of the future he had just 8 years left to live. Zeke had 5. Eren was displeased with this lack of time. The second problem was that he was stuck with a hilariously incompetent leadership. The leadership of Paradis failed spectacularly in finding a good solution and wasted half of Eren’s remaining lifespan. At the rate the Survey Corps were progressing, Zeke would have died and without him they wouldn’t be able to use the Founding Titan at all. Additionally, none of the solutions they tried to find were exactly great. The 50 Y.P. required the sacrifice of Historia and her line, without ensuring with 100% certainty the eternal existence of Eldia. Since Eren cared about Historia and the island, he couldn’t accept such a proposal. The rest of the Survey Corps felt the same way. Hizuru on the other hand didn’t help them at all and Hange’s plan to approach the Organization that wanted to protect the rights of the Eldians failed spectacularly. Eren was left out of options.

The biggest turn off for him though was the revelation of Zeke’s real plan. When Yelena learnt that the SC would visit Marley she approached Eren and told him all about Zeke’s euthanasia and how to contact him. From this point on, Eren really had no other option left to save Paradis. If the meeting with the Eldian Rights Organization were to fail then he would have no choice but using Zeke’s blood, especially given his brother’s limited lifespan. He would never get another chance to visit Marley, nor was it certain that Zeke and he would manage to make contact. Worst case scenario, Zeke dies before meeting Eren, Colt gets the Beast, the Global Alliance attacks Paradis and they get fucked. Or, the SC somehow manage to find a serum to turn Historia into a dumb Titan, have Mikasa and Levi alongside Eren restrain her and use the Rumbling anyway, while also having sacrificed Historia.

Things might have been different if Eren had actually decided to talk about the future he saw. Knowing what would happen if they didn’t try hard enough, might have made the Corps work harder. Of course, Eren just couldn’t predict the outcome of such a decision, so he decided to stay quiet, since, as established above, deep down he wanted to destroy the world.

Eren’s decision in the end came down to this: either he destroys the world or he says “fuck all” and elopes with Mikasa. He loved her enough to abandon everything and live his last few years peacefully with her. His dream about the outside world, Armin, Historia, Paradis, he was ready to turn his back to all of them just so he could selfishly survive with Mikasa. However, both he and Mikasa are incredibly shy people who can’t quite express their feelings easily. So, instead of telling her that he was in love with her, he left it all to her. To top it all off, he framed the question in such a way, that gave her the chance to pick an easy answer, without risking rejection. Then they got interrupted and the rest is history. He said fuck it and accepted his fate.

Attack on Titan’s world does operate under a fixed timeline. Destiny exists. Ever since Ymir became a titan up to Mikasa killing Eren was predetermined. They were meant to happen, exactly as they happened. However, the reason for that is not entirely supernatural. It is just that the personalities of each and every major character led to the result we saw. It is entirely because Eren cared about his friends and because he dreamt of freedom that he chose to rumble the world. It is his and Mikasa’s shyness that robbed them of a future together. Ymir had nothing to do with all that. It wasn’t Ymir who made the Santa Titan dumb enough to not bite Eren properly, nor was she the one who made the Azumabito clan greedy as hell or the Marleyans imperialists.

Eren knew what he would do and this of course played a major role in his decisions. But nobody forced him to do it. And, more than anything, he also knew why. Deep down, he knew. Eren decided Rumble the world, because he wanted his friends and island to be safe and because he hated the world. Eren accepted his fate, because he was left with no choice that he liked, time was running out and because Mikasa didn’t give him the right answer. The result? 80% of humanity dead, some of his friends dead, the ones who survived are mostly well, with Mikasa being the saddest one. The world is slowly marching to war, with the Yeagerists having regrouped and Armin and the co are trying to prevent this. The island’s survival is by no means guaranteed.

Was it all for nothing? I don’t think so. Eren saved Paradis for some time, giving the chance to Armin to save humanity. After all, he did tell him so himself. Eren believed that with the Rumbling leaving the world in the state we saw, Armin would be able to find a solution. The series seems to imply that this is what will eventually happen.

In the end, Eren acted just like himself. Just like he told Falco. His reasons are not that complicated. He kept moving forward, because he was seeing something beyond this hell. We know now what that something was. His actions make total sense. It is just that his deep desire to end the world is rooted in his own childish view of freedom and of the world. In a story about children who need to become adults, Eren remained a child. His two friends on the other hand didn’t. Armin accepted his role as the Commander of the Survey Corps and despite the world not being what he wanted it to be, still fought to protect it from the person he once wished to explore this earth with. Mikasa accepted her role as a guardian of humanity and not Eren’s, like she believed herself to be, and despite wanting to share her life with Eren, she killed him. Eren saved Mikasa and Armin. This is his legacy. A world without titans.

#Eren Mikasa Armin #Eren Jaeger #Mikasa Ackerman #armin arlert #hajime isayama #attack on titan manga #manga #chapter 139 #attack on titan final chapter #aot meta #snk meta #character analysis

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alexthedrummerboy · 3 years

Text

Darkest Before The Dawn

pairing: willex, past luke/alex

summary: "your parents were never cool again after you told them you were gay.” OR an exploration into alex’s past, his family life, and his relationship with religion

essentially this is all one big angsty headcanon

authors note: basically i’ve been thinking about the gold chain alex wears around his neck and i’ve been way overanalysing what it is and i thought - what if it used to be a cross necklace that his devout parents made him wear?? also i’m so desperate for alex to have more backstory that i’m pulling it out of every nook and cranny at this point

trigger warning: homophobia, bad parenting

ao3

It starts when he’s seven. He’d invited Bobby over to his house after school to play, not knowing that his dad had come home from work early. They’re sitting at the dining table, drawing with Alex’s new 36 pack of crayons when he hears it.

“I just think letting him do all that... art stuff is gonna make him...” he hears his dad say to his mom, “...soft. Girly. We already have one daughter, we don’t need another one.”

Alex doesn’t really understand what his Dad means, but he drops the crayon he’s holding and pokes Bobby on the wrist lightly. “I’m bored,” he says quietly, though his picture remains on the table unfinished. “Can we go do somethin’ else?”

Bobby furrows his eyebrows and looks down at his paper. “But... I didn’t finish colouring my dragon.”

Alex looks at his Dad in the kitchen. He’s still talking to his mom, both of their heads bowed. He has that look on his face that reminds Alex of the time his mom tried to convince them to go vegetarian for a week. “We can finish colouring later... maybe,” he says. “Let’s go play in my room.”

Bobby takes one last look at his drawing but nods, gently folding the piece of paper in half and tucking it into his backpack. “Okay.”

They walk up to Alex’s room together, hand-in-hand like always. They pass the kitchen on the way and Alex’s dad turns his head, scowling deeper when he looks at their hands. Suddenly Alex feels cold all over.

“Boys,” he says, deep voice booming. “You’re getting a little old to be holding hands, aren’t you?”

Alex lets go of Bobby’s hand immediately and tucks it into his trouser pocket instead, nodding. Bobby looks like he wants to protest but Alex just nudges him and nods towards his room.

They walk away and Alex tries to brush the experience off. He doesn’t eat much at dinner that night.

---

His dad makes him quit choir the next year. He’s up in his room practicing for the Christmas festival when he hears three quiet knocks.

“Come in,” he says, closing his music book. His dad walks in, still in his shirt and tie from work. “Oh. Hi, Dad.”

His dad smiles stiffly. “Alex, what are you doing?”

Alex looks between his dad and his choir book for a moment. “Practicing for the festival,” he says, a smile growing on his face. “Mrs. Carson gave me a solo for the first--”

“I’ve been thinking about that,” his dad says, pursing his lips. “Wouldn’t you be happier... playing a sport or something? What about baseball? You know when your old man was in school, I was a real killer on the pitch.”

Alex’s tongue feels dry in his mouth the longer his dad speaks. He hates baseball. “Um... I-I like choir, though.” His voice is quiet, barely above a breath. His dad sighs and shakes his head. Alex feels an overwhelming sense of anxiety rise inside his chest. He hates disappointing people.

“I’m just worried about you, son,” he says, sitting down on the edge of Alex’s bed. “Okay, maybe not baseball. How about... soccer?”

Alex shuffles around on his chair. He feels like his heart has stopped beating. “Drums,” he mumbles, looking down at his hands. His dad leans closer.

“Speak up, Alex.”

Alex looks up, clenching his jaw. “I-I wanna learn how to play the drums,” he says. “L-like that guy from The Rolling Stones.”

His dad goes quiet, scratching his chin like he’s thinking about it, before he smiles and nods. He claps Alex on the shoulder hard enough that it makes him wince. “Drums eh? Sure, we’ll get you a kit and you can set it up in the basement.” As he turns to walk out of Alex’s room, he turns and throws him a cheeky smile. “My boy, the drummer. You know they say girls love drummers.”

Alex isn’t sure why, but that comment makes him feel sick. He stares at his closed door for too long after his dad leaves, his thoughts twisting and turning in his mind.

---

When Alex receives his first cross, he’s 12-years-old. He immediately vows never to take it off. It’s a beautiful piece of jewellery; a small gold cross on a solid gold chain. When his mom slips it around his neck, he feels... protected, somehow. Safe.

His mom smiles at him tearily as she hooks the clasp around his neck, running her hand down the side of his face. “Congratulations, baby,” she says quietly. “You know, my mother gave me my first cross when I was exactly your age. ”

Alex just smiles and tugs on the chain lightly, feeling the cool metal against his thumb and forefinger. “Thanks, mom,” he says quietly, looking down at where it’s dangling against the soft blue of his button down.

His sister, Andrea, comes from behind him and knocks his shoulder lightly. Her own cross is silver and smaller than his, contrasting against her light skin perfectly. He doesn’t remember when she got hers. She was four years older than him and got hers when he was just a little kid. “Congrats, Lexi,” she says.

His dad comes out of the kitchen, a bottle of champagne in one hand and two flutes in the other. He’s beaming. “This calls for a celebration!”

His mother looks at his dad and tuts quietly, though she still looks pleased. “Michael, it’s barely 9. We have to leave for church soon.”

His dad simply brushes off her worry. “My son is being confirmed, Linda. We’re celebrating.” He kisses her on the cheek and hands her a champagne flute. “It won’t take long.”

He pours himself and Alex’s mother a small amount of champagne and Alex watches, entranced as they cheers and take a sip. His mother and his father lock eyes before handing their glasses to Alex and Andrea, smiling secret smiles.

“Just this once,” his dad says. “Just one sip.”

Andrea takes the flute immediately and takes a sip. Alex watches her for a moment before taking his dad’s flute and lifting it up to his mouth.

The bubbles fizz and pop in his mouth. The taste is unpleasant, but... the feeling of his dad’s eyes on him, proud and sparkling with happiness make the experience a million times better.

As they drive to church, Alex keeps his hand firmly clasped around his cross, smiling the entire time.

---

Alex receives his first kiss when he’s 14. It happens in his basement with Luke Patterson. He’d invited him over so they could work on a song together. Luke had discovered him playing drums in the music room one day and had instantly recruited him to join his band, alongside Bobby and Reggie Anderson.

They’d long since abandoned practicing any form of music and were lounging on the couch in Alex’s basement, playing video games on his Sega Genesis. He’s so close to beating Luke at Mortal Kombat. They’ve been playing for 45 minutes and Alex has managed to lose every round so far.

But, with a fatal blow, Alex watches his character drop to his knees as Luke’s character poses victoriously. He groans loudly and leans back against the couch, trying his best not to pout as he hears Luke’s laughter next to him. “No fair!” he exclaims, dropping his controller beside him on the couch.

Luke smirks, boxing Alex in the shoulder lightly. “Not my fault I’m better at this game than you are,” he says. He’s leaning towards Alex, his face mere inches away from his shoulder. “I’m just naturally skilled.”

Alex blushes and shuffles away from him, leaning into the arm rest and trying to ignore his heart as it pounds away in his chest. “Naturally ugly, more like,” he mumbles. It’s not the best comeback, but he can’t really focus right now.

Luke laughs anyway, punching Alex’s arm again and turning back to face the TV. Neither of them speak for a moment but Alex can feel the air thicken with a strange tension that he’s never felt before.

His hand automatically comes up to grip his cross, the edges of the metal digging into his palm. He takes a short breath in and out, feeling the cold metal warm up in his hand.

He feels Luke’s eyes on him and he turns. There’s a small smile on Luke’s face that Alex can’t help but return. “What?” he asks.

Luke shrugs. “Nothin’,” he says softly.

Then, he leans in closer. Alex does not pull away.

Before he even realises what’s happening, they’re kissing. It’s chaste and completely innocent; a light press of lips against lips. Alex can tell that Luke hasn’t bothered to put on chapstick in his entire 14 years of life, but he tastes vaguely of grape bubblegum and iced tea. It’s nice.

As they kiss, he feels his grip on his cross loosen until his hand falls completely slack, landing on top of Luke’s hand where it’s resting on a cushion.

They’re interrupted by the sound of footsteps against carpeted stairs. Alex jumps out of his seat and lands on the floor in front of the couch. Luke loses his balance and falls after him, landing face first in the couch cushion where Alex had just been sitting.

The basement door opens and Andrea pokes her head through, holding two capri suns and a bowl full of chips. She sees Alex on the floor and furrows her eyebrows. “Why are you on the ground?”

Alex clears his throat and blinks down at his knees, trying to hide his shaking hands. “Um... it-it’s more comfortable down here,” he mumbles.

Andrea shrugs and walks in, placing the bowl of chips and the drinks on the coffee table. “Mom told me to give these to you.” She looks between the TV and the two of them. “I thought you guys were practicing.”

“We were!” Luke says, standing up and walking over to where his guitar is resting on the other side of the room. “We took a quick video game break, but we’re ready to get back to work. Right, Alex?”

Alex nods, but he can’t stand back up. “Right,” he says breathlessly, giving Andrea a weak smile. “Thanks for the snacks.”

Andrea nods, but she looks suspicious. She walks out of the room and shuts the door behind her. Alex doesn’t exhale until her footsteps have retreated completely. He breathes out shakily and draws his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

“Hey,” Luke says, running to Alex’s side. His hand hovers above Alex’s back before resting just behind him on the couch. “You okay?”

It takes a minute, but eventually Alex nods and looks up at Luke. “Yeah,” he replies, though his hands are still balled into tight fists. “I’m good.”

Luke nods, his hand tightening and loosening its grip on the couch cushion a few times. “Was that... weird?” he asks quietly. Alex has never heard him sound this unsure before.

He shakes his head, a small smile growing on his face. “No,” he says quietly, and he means it too. “I don’t think so, anyway.”

Luke nods again, smiling brightly at Alex. “Okay. Cool.”

“Can we not... tell anyone? About that?” He asks quietly, looking up at Luke, eyes pleading. “I-I don’t know if I’m... if that...”

“Alex, of course,” Luke says earnestly, finally reaching over and resting his hand in Alex’s shoulder. “It’ll be just between us.”

Alex nods, smiling weakly. “Cool. Thanks.”

He feels mildly comforted by Luke’s words, but he can’t help the anxiety that grows in his stomach. He stands up and walks over to his kit, sitting down at his stool and twirling his drumstick in his hand.

When he closes his eyes that night, snuggled up in his bed, all he can think about are warm lips and iced tea.

---

He comes out at 16.

It doesn’t go well.

His mom cries like he’s just told her he died... but what makes him more anxious is his dad’s reaction.

He doesn’t say anything at first. Just stares at Alex with that those hard, light eyes. He doesn’t even look angry, he just looks... disappointed.

“Dad?” he says quietly. The word gets caught in his throat.

His dad breathes in slowly and stands up. He walks out of the living room shaking his head. Alex watches him go until he’s completely out of sight. All he can hear are his mothers sobs. All he can feel is the weight of his guilt pressing down on him.

His cross feels like it’s burning his skin through the fabric of his t-shirt. Suddenly it feels like he’s wearing a ten pound weight around his neck. It’s hard to swallow.

He wants to comfort his mom, but he doesn’t even know what he would say. What could he say that wouldn’t make everything worse?

So, he stands up and takes one last look at his mom before walking down the hall. He passes Andrea on the way to the basement. She looks at him and then toward the living room where they can both hear their mother’s sobs.

“What’s wrong with mom?” she asks, placing a hand on his elbow. The touch burns.

Alex opens his mouth to speak but the words he wants to say get stuck in his throat. He brushes past her, ignoring her questions and running down the stairs to the basement and shutting the door behind him.

He sits down behind his drums and raises his hand to clasp his necklace, holding it so tightly his hand begins to hurt. He can’t cry. He thinks if he could, then maybe he’d feel better, but... the tears won’t come.

So, he lets go of his cross and picks up his sticks instead, twirling the left one in his hand a few times before hitting his high tom once, hard. It feels good, but the feeling doesn’t last long.

Eventually, he loses himself in the rhythm, hitting each drum harder than the last. He forgets for a moment; forgets about the disaster that had happened just minutes ago upstairs. He pauses for a minute to catch his breath but finds his mind wandering; is his mother still crying? Why hadn’t his dad said anything?

He shakes the thought free before pounding on his drums again. He’s not even beating out a rhythm now; he’s just trying to fill the space with noise to keep his thoughts out.

He’s interrupted when the door opens. It's his dad, holding an empty duffel bag, a somber expression on his face. Alex raises his eyebrows and takes his earplugs out of his ears. “Dad?”

His dad winces when Alex speaks, throwing the empty duffel bag onto the floor. “Pack your things.”

All the blood drains from Alex’s face and he stands up on shaky legs. He’s gripping his drumsticks so tightly, it’s a miracle that the wood doesn’t fuse with his skin. “Wh-where’re we goin’?” he asks, though he has a suspicion.

“We aren’t going anywhere, son,” his dad says. His eyes are on the carpet. He can’t even look at Alex. “Your mother and I... we can’t have you staying in this house.”

“What?!”

“If you’re going to choose to live with your... affliction,” he spits out the word like it’s poison; and in his dad’s mind, perhaps it is, “then it won’t do to have you living here, corrupting us with your ungodly temptations.”

“Dad--”

His father holds up a hand. “I’ll give you 15 minutes to get your things and leave.” He turns to leave the basement but Alex calls him back.

“Where am I supposed to go?” he asks, voice cracking as he tries to fight the tears that threaten to run down his cheeks. He knows crying will only make him more upset. His father doesn’t turn around.

“You can figure that out on your own.” Then, he walks out. Alex is alone. After a few moments, he walks out from behind his drums and picks up the. empty bag with weak hands and walks up to his room.

He’s working on autopilot as he shoves clothes and shoes and random items (when will he ever need his model robot?) into the bag until it’s almost full to bursting. He drops the bag on his bed and stares at it. He can’t hear anything; all the sounds around him are dull, muted almost.

He turns around and catches a glimpse of his reflection in his bedroom mirror. He still looks the same as he had that morning when he’d gotten dressed for school. There are still drawings on the back of his hand in blue and black ink from third period when Bobby and Luke decided to draw on him in lieu of paying attention to what Mr. Peters was saying.

Remarkably, he looks the same... but he couldn’t be more different.

Alex’s eyes drop to the necklace around his neck. It almost hurts to look at now. He’d done well by his vow; hadn’t ever taken it off, even when Jeremy Matthews teased him about it (and received a firm smack on the head from Reggie).

Shakily, he lifts his hands and unclasps the necklace, holding onto the chain so tight that the links begin to make grooves in his skin. He takes hold of the cross and swallows thickly, looking at his warped reflection in the surface of it.

He slowly slides the cross off of the chain and places it on his nightstand. The chain, though, he keeps though he doesn’t really know why. He puts the chain back around his neck. It feels bare without the cross on it weighing it down, but... Alex finds he kind of likes it.

With that, he picks up his duffel bag and walks out of his room. He can hear the quiet sound of scraping cutlery against ceramic and he winces. They’d started dinner without him.

As he walks towards the front door, he passes the dining table. When she hears his footsteps, Andrea looks up from her untouched plate of food and stands up. Alex shakes his head silently at her, gripping his bag strap tighter.

His parents don’t even look up. He gives Andrea a half-hearted smile and a wave before walking out the front door. He doesn’t bother taking his keys with him; he knows he won’t need to use them again.

The cold, night air smacks him right in the face as soon as he closes the door behind him. Then, without a second glance, he leaves and begins the short trek to Bobby’s house.

---

“So, I was wondering...”

Willie turns to Alex and smiles at him, squeezing his hand gently. “Yeah?”

They’ve been walking down the pier together in comfortable silence for almost 15 minutes, but the question bubbles up in Alex’s chest before he can control himself.

Alex looks down at their interlaced fingers before gesturing towards the necklace around Willie’s neck. “What’s that key around your neck for?”

At the mention of his necklace, Willie wraps his hand around the key and gives it a light tug with his free hand. If Alex notices how Willie’s slowed their walking pace slightly, he doesn’t say anything.

“It’s my house key,” he says softly. Alex parts his lips in surprise. “When I was a kid, I... I was pretty irresponsible. I was always losing things in random places. My mom used to tell me I’d lose my arms if they weren’t attached to my shoulders.” The smile on his face makes Alex want to cry. “When my folks gave me my first house key, it felt like I was finally growing up. I was so scared I would lose it, so I bought a chain. I’ve worn it around my neck ever since.”

“Even after...” Alex doesn’t continue his train of thought but Willie understands regardless. He nods.

“When I woke up after the accident, it was actually the first thing I reached for,” Willie says quietly, gripping Alex’s hand like a lifeline. “Force of habit, I guess.”

“Have you ever tried to visit your place?” Alex asks quietly, steering Willie towards the edge of the pier so they can sit by the water. Willie nods.

“A couple times. After I died, I didn’t visit for months. It hurt too much.” He pauses, looking out over the water as he scoots closer to Alex until their shoulders are pressed together. “I visited them for the first time a year after I’d died. I couldn’t go in. I was too scared, so I just watched from the windows like a total creeper.” There’s a chuckle in Willie’s voice that astounds Alex. He doesn’t know how he can be so cheerful even while talking about something so heartbreaking. “My family moved sometime around ‘89. I haven’t tried to find them since.”

Alex nods, listening to the sound of the crashing waves and seagulls as they fly overhead. He doesn’t feel pressured to comfort Willie at all. He thinks that telling him his story might’ve upset Alex more than it upset him. Instead, he rubs his knuckles with his thumb slowly, his finger savouring the feel of every dip and crevice.

“What about you?” Willie asks suddenly, turning to Alex. There’s a smile in his eye that Alex never wants to look away from. “Is that gold chain around your neck a remnant from your gangster rap phase, or...?”

Alex laughs brightly, throwing his head back. He can feel Willie laughing too, his shoulders bouncing up and down with every giggle. He stops and breathes out quietly, looking down at his chain and hooking his finger through it.

“Um... there used to be a cross hanging from it,” he says. “My parents got it for me for my confirmation when I was 12. I basically didn’t take it off for five years.”

Willie pauses, shuffles closer; almost as if he can tell what’s coming next. He doesn’t say anything, though, and somehow that makes it easier for Alex to keep going.

“When I came out, my parents um... they weren’t very cool about it,” he says, tugging a little harder on the chain. “My dad kicked me out.” Willie’s grip on his hand tightens and Alex lets out a breath. “When I was leaving, I took the cross off. It didn’t seem right to keep it after...” he clears his throat. “I kept the chain. I’m still not really sure why... I’ve been thinking about it ever since I left home. I think it’s just... a reminder of why I left and what I have now.”

Willie smiles, bumping their shoulders together. “What do you have now?”

He looks at Willie and find that he can’t control the smile that’s growing on his face either. Under the setting sun, Willie looks so beautiful; his tanned skin practically glowing and long dark hair moving with the breeze. He leans in and brushes a gentle kiss against the side of his lips. He feels Willie’s hand come up to cup his cheek and he leans into the touch.

They pull away from each other after a few seconds and Alex smiles again, resting their foreheads together.

“Freedom.”

#alex jatp #willex #willie jatp #julie and the phantoms #jatp fanfic #owen patrick joyner #booboo stewart #writing tag

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