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bidisasterevankinard · 2 months

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Buck breakdown meta(+ a little bit of divorce 2.0 era)

“Did you know you were clinically dead for three minutes?” - “Bobby” from Buck’s coma dream or Buck’s part of the brain that always helps him to find the answers (6x11)

“Buck, you died” - Maddie(6x12), Bobby (6x14)

“You died, Buck” Eddie (6x12)

Before I started this meta I remembered these three (well, technically four but how you can see Maddie and Bobby said the same thing) times someone said in real words what happened with Buck, what exactly he experienced in his life, how he lost it. Because it wasn’t just “an accident on the job”(Buck 6x14), not even a near death experience Buck had in his life before(and not once), because Buck is indeed a good “friend” and “old acquaintance”(Buck 6x15) with death since he was born (as a donor to dying child) and not just “for a moment” how he believes. But I haven’t remembered Buck himself (not a coma Bobby), especially after he woke up and “started his healing” (the lyrics of the song right before we see Buck after hospital in 6x11) saying it. And I really thought aha, you sneaky boy, you haven’t really recovered as you never even said “I died”. But he actually said it once, but, to whom do you think he said it?

To his sister who raised him as a parent and said “Buck, you died”? No.

To his father figure who he knows was praying to God sitting in his room, thinking his another child is dying and he can’t AGAIN do something? To the man who was cradling him like a baby to put him on a gurney and wanted to take it easy on him in 6x14 because “Buck, you died”? No.

To his best friend, to whom he ran to hide from his sister’s fussing? To the man on whose couch he fell asleep seconds after sitting on it? To the man who tried hard to support him, how Buck supported him during his breakdown? No.

He said it to the woman he never met before (btw Natalia is cute and it’s not her bashing post. so DO NOT DO IT IN TAGS PLEASE), just a matter of factly, when helped her with her injury because he heard that she is “death doula”(but before it, he tries to say it in the other words)

But even to her he says it ONLY THIS ONE MOMENT. When they met again he spoke about his death experience in the pattern we saw before.

And this pattern is : “When i woke up,” “I woke up in a world” “I recovered” “accident on the job”, joking with Maddie, “it’s all a gift” or with Eddie not even himself in 6x12 talking about HIS death experience. With Eddie he asks about shooting, but Eddie makes it a conversation about “You died, Buck”.

Buck doesn’t like when people talk about death, showing him their grief, so he tries to talk about his new life. He jokes, or moves the conversation to the point of talking about his new life, new possibilities for him, about how he processes he is still here, but NOT HOW HE DIED. Buck refuses to process that he died. Yeah, it happened, he knows everyone grieved him, but he refuses to talk about how it changed him and others. He just wants to accept changes not to “act” like an “old same Buck”(Buck 6x15) for everyone, but to be a new Buck. And who is perfect to make him think about not his death, but about how many new experiences he can have, if not the person who is amazed by his death, who thinks it is “cool” he had the opportunity to experience it and get back, if not the person who never grieved him? Natalia wasn’t around to see him dead, she wasn’t the one who saved him. And Buck knows his family had to see him like that and act to save him, but he can’t think about it. He concentrates on good things, on being alive, on moving forward, to see “what’s next” for him. And he refuses to look and speak about what happened before it, to really move from it.

But I think we all remember how Maddie said that Buck is more than good at pretending that he is ok(4x4). Remember how in therapy he said “You said, I hide my true feelings from others. You might be right”, but then what happened? Oh yeah “new Buck 3.0” and him forgiving his parents for going to therapy with him. Because he hides it not just from others, but from himself too. Acting as Buck 1.0, 2.0, etc. Buck knows how to repress his feelings and move on to a new stage. How to act as a new Buck, not just for everyone, but for himself too. How to believe he is ok.

And he for years was mistaken or even hiding a lot of his feelings, so it’s not hard for him to play like he moved on. And on the way to make everyone, except one person who till the last moment (cemetery seen) tried to make Buck talk about his death. Who was the last person to say it to Buck, who used death, and died, in one conversation right to the point till Buck with his words “She sees me. like she really sees me for who I am and what I’ve been through. I think she might even see more in me than I see in myself” almost stopped him. He stops for a moment. Tries to play with Buck on his rules, tries to wait for Buck again how he did in 6x12, but tries one more time to make Buck talk about death.

“You cheated death”

But Buck speaks about life. About lightning. About his new life being a gift.

“My life could have ended right then and there,but it didn’t. That has to mean something, right?” (Buck looks at Eddie because even closing himself he still need Eddie)

“It means you are one lucky guy”(Eddie does’t not look at him)

“Yeah, well, I don't think I’m gonna get that lucky again.”

“We, maybe you don’t have to. Lightning doesn’t strike twice at the same place.”

“Which is why I have to make the most of every single moment. Because from here right now out it's all a gift”

And after that, Eddie, who thought he could give Buck the same “shoulder to cry on” and “sit with you” while you experience bad moments, stopped doing it. He looked at Buck and saw the man he saw, the man he thinks doesn’t need his help. Because Buck doesn’t look affected as Eddie expected him to be. Buck overplayed Eddie with his tires to prove he is ok. Eddie believed him. But also he heard that he is not that Buck needs to feel ok. He needs not that Eddie expected he would need (talks about his death and Eddie’s help), but someone else living with Buck his life and Eddie understood that Buck doesn’t need him at all.Not in the way he needed the man a year ago, crushing his room. And the feeling of loneliness he started to experience while he gave Buck time to come to him, before Buck pushed him away when he wasn't ready in the cemetery, just became all consuming. Because now Eddie believes Buck never needed him, how Eddie needs him. But the thing is, Buck needs him. He just pushed Eddie from him, because he feels that it’s dangerous to look at his death, because he doesn't want to be a burden, because he doesn't want to run in a circle of “someone loves me when I’m in pain” he did all his childhood. He doesn't want to experience love when he is broken, so he closes his death deep inside him, in a box. But we know how boxes explode if it’s too many things inside.

And let’s think that Buck has in his box: childhood of neglect, truck bombing, tsunami and embolism, well and shooting, ambulance hostage situation, Bobby shot, Maddie almost killed by Doug, the secret about Daniel being revealed, and then his real death. All it packed neat inside him, never spoken about. And after shooting we never heard him talking about therapy again. So Buck acts as a “new Buck” ALL THE TIME. Buck 1.0, 2.0, 3.0 it’s a proof. And he is just ready to be another “new Buck”, but others don't, because to see the new Buck they should fully grieve the old Buck. But Buck doesn’t want them to grief, he wants to joke and move on and that’s why he is feeling like he should stay “same old Buck”, act the same, but IT’S A PROBLEM. Because old Buck can’t help to mask the pain and fear from the death he experienced. Old Buck never looked at his life as a “gift”. This old Buck can’t help Buck to hide under this mask of everything being fine. And let’s nor forget how old Buck tried hard to find HAPPINESS. OLD BUCK WASN’T HAPPY. But the new Buck should be. He is still alive. His life has ended yet. But has he found his answer for happiness after death when Lev did it? No.

Buck's answer for happiness wasn’t shown, which means he tries to be happy, but he still doesn’t know HOW. And on the way he pushed his best friend from him, starting their as we call it in a fandom “divorce era 2.0”. Because it is what Buck does when he feels trapped (lawsuit waves at us). When Buck thinks he needs other things, not that others try him to do, speak about, heal properly before move on, not just “rush with his head first”, he pushes everyone from himself (yes yes boy with abandonment issue does it, but it is easier this way). In the lawsuit it was easier to blame Bobby, right now he ofc doesn’t blame Eddie, but he also doesn’t want Eddie to constantly talk about his death. So he pushed Eddie from himself.

So Buck can’t hide behind old, and new Buck is not something his family is ready to see, and it’s still an act. Buck is on the edge of breaking, and I’m sure in 7s it will happen. After Bobby's near death or maybe something else, but it will break him.

Now Eddie. Eddie, who already felt kind of alone, started his journey of trying to find someone who makes him feel not alone anymore. Who will make him feel enough. Because for Shannon, for Buck he wasn’t(at least it’s how he sees it).

That’s how he sees the cemetery. Buck pushes because Eddie is too much for him at this moment, because he isn't ready (something something “you need to move on. I did.” Eddie himself pushed Buck from himself when he wasn’t ready, but he thought if he would make Buck talk NOW Buck wouldn't break like him.) Buck wasn’t ready to be supported by Eddie, because he never was supported like that (Eddie wasn’t in a place to really support him after the fire truck. don't even start. Eddie was deep into his grief and “suck it up and move on” era to really support Buck on this deep mental level). But Eddie was finally in the place to give this support, and he felt like it’s not enough. So he dates, he meets Marisol. He opens himself to the world and new opportunities. Maybe even starting something serious in season 7, when Buck goes deeper and deeper in his own grief and pain of losing the life he had, of losing the part of himself, of not knowing who he is right now, how he should act.

Now we add Bobby’s and Athena’s water related near death experience and … BOOM. Buck is broken, a crying mess. Because he feels grief and fear of losing people he loves so hard, and he can’t imagine who they felt, and he can’t even say what the fuck is the answer to happiness. He doesn’t remember his death, but he remembers his coma, he remembers how he woke up, he remembers old him, but who is new Buck? To this we also add that he feels that his best friend pushed him away, not understanding he did it first(because he did it subconsciously trying to hide from his feelings).

Buck will break in season 7, because it's long overdue. He has so many things he never “allowed to feel it” before moving on. They can’t just stay forever inside him. “At some point that box is going to blow open. And take everyone around you”. Eddie was ready to support Buck and eventually in season 7 Buck would need it and Eddie would see that Buck needs him, he never allows himself to ask, to see what and who he needs. Buck always tries to look at himself through other people's eyes, still tries with Natalia. Maybe look at himself thought Eddie’s feel help him to see something new

Why I also see the possible divorce era 2.0 it’s because we started and continued 6s with domestic Buckley-Diaz scenes but scenes 6x13 Buck wasn't even talking about Chris. So I see it as a possible proof of divorce era, but after new stills I’m not so sure anymore

#yes it's 2k words. i'm not sorry #i could say more #buck will break in season 7 #911 loves parallels so I used moments not related to the Buck as talk about him relation to his arc too #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #evan buck buckley #911 #911 abc #911 meta #911 season 7 #my 911 thoughts #oliver stark #911 on abc #911 speculation

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