#20 days of april breaking the cycle challenge | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

glowupwithamy · 13 days

Text

Finish what you started and transform your productivity

Recently i picked up a book i hadn't read in a long time for the past week i hadn't been able to work properly my tasks were going unfinished so i opened my cupboard and saw that book right in front of me. Then i read the whole book in just a one night and it sparked inspiration in me ..So i thought why not share everything i learned with all of you?

So I'm giving you guys a structured summary of Finish The Art of Following Through - Taking Action, Executing & Self Discipline by Peter Hollins -

1. The Importance of Execution

The ability to follow through allows you to create the life you desire rather than settling for the one you currently have. The process consists of focus, self-discipline, action, and persistence

2. Barriers to Follow Through

- Inhibiting Tactics: These include setting bad goals, procrastination, succumbing to distractions, and poor time management.

- Psychological Roadblocks: These encompass laziness, fear of judgment or failure, perfectionism driven by insecurity, and lack of self-awareness.

3. Staying Motivated

To remain motivated holds both external and internal motivators -

- External Motivators: These involve utilizing other people or resources to encourage action, such as accountability partners upfront investments and self bribery

- Internal Motivators: These focus on understanding personal benefits and improvements. Ask yourself questions such as How will this benefit me? and How will my life improve?

4. Developing a Manifesto

A manifesto is a set of daily rules that guide your actions so her are the some key rules -

- Rule 1: Identify if you’re acting out of laziness and avoid it.

- Rule 2: Limit yourself to three major tasks per day.

- Rule 3: Establish daily limitations and requirements

- Rule 4: Reaffirm your intentions through statements like I want I , will and I won't

- Rule 5: Reflect on the future consequences of not following through

- Rule 6: Utilize the concept of "just 10 minutes" to push through discomfort.

5. Follow Through Mindsets

- Mindset 1: Recognize the worthiness of your efforts.

⭐ Mindset 2: Become comfortable with discomfort.

- Mindset 3: Understand that learning comes from completing tasks.

- Mindset 4: Manage stress and anxiety effectively

6. Overcoming Procrastination

Procrastination can be managed through strategies such as:

- Temptation Bundling: Combine unpleasant tasks with enjoyable activities.

- Creating Momentum: Make starting tasks as easy as possible to gain momentum.

- Leveraging Fear: Use productive paranoia to spur action but cautiously

7. Minimizing Distractions

Create a work environment free from distractions and focus on

⭐ Single Tasking: Avoid multitasking to eliminate attention residue ( I will also create a separate blog on this topic i used to face this problem earlier and i have used many methods to reduce my habit of multitasking so i will write a blog about it. Don't worry )

- Batching Tasks: Group similar tasks to improve efficiency.

- Creating a Don't-Do List : Identify tasks to ignore and avoid ( This method is literally too much helpful )

8. The 40–70 Rule

This rule suggests acting when you have 70% of the necessary information as waiting for 100% is unrealistic

9. The Importance of Rest

Recognize the value of rest and relaxation as essential for mental recovery

10. Common Pitfalls

- False Hope Syndrome: Avoid unrealistic expectations and set achievable goals.

- Overthinking: Avoid excessive rumination and focus on taking action.

- Worrying: Concentrate on the present and control what you can.

11. Developing Daily Systems

Establish daily behaviors that promote consistency and long term success

⭐ Keep a Scoreboard: Track progress for motivation ( Ive been using this method for the past four days it literally shows me where I am making mistakes and what I need to do to complete my unfinished tasks )

By following these structured advice you can improve your ability to finish what you start and achieve your goals

If you have any questions or tips to share feel free to drop them in the comments in here to chat , Stay connected for more tips and insights thanks :)

64 notes · View notes

megumi-fm · 22 days

Text

16/18days of habit 10th Apr; 1/20 doa🚲

hi! I've decided to take part in Yumi's #20 days of april breaking the cycle challenge and I'm incorporating it as an extension of my 18days of habit challenge.

🍶 ~ 3L of water 📵 ~ 3hrs :/ 🌙 ~ 7.5 hours // 7:00am wake

I didn't do much :/ except for attending a meeting at work and updating my script to enable parsing of arguments from the terminal... It's time to find new ways to stay productive gah

#18dayht #20doa🚲#studyspo #studyblr

29 notes · View notes

alifurt · 11 months

Text

Puppy puppy puppy!

So I had this idea in my head I’d have time to catch up on life in a couple summary posts before jumping into the now but gosh I just have puppies on my mind and just want to write!

Why you ask? Dottie is pregnant and due anytime after Friday! (So click that link and join the puppy pool to make your best guess about when we will have puppies born!) If I don’t get it out now, I’ll miss the pregnancy timing and will just have to surprise post about the birth of the pups!

Anyway, it’s funny because it seems like my last substantial update was when Tippy had her puppies, nearly 4 years ago and I only love writing about pregnancy and birth and babies… sure kids are fun to write about and I know family and friends love the updates but it all just moves too fast to keep up and I’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping myself in the moment instead of worrying about documenting it all.

So, without further ado, let’s jump into Dottie’s story.

When I had said Tippy was the perfect dog, I never thought we could end up with a better dog but enter Dottie. She is the most patient, loyal, sweet, and kind dog. So we knew we wanted to breed her and were planning to last spring but ran into a hitch in the plan, literally.

Everything was lined up with the stud, but about two weeks before we were expecting her to go into heat we were doing our crazy Monday after school routine hustling everyone to activities. Tyler, Viv and the dogs were in the garage doing something while I was getting Conner and Claire loaded into the van to get to after school activities. As I was starting to back out, our neighbor had arrived, so I slowly pulled up to not block their driveway but no matter how slow I had been inching, Dottie got excited that she might get to go in the car (like how could I have forgotten her?) and came running out and in front of the right tire. She yelped and Tyler shouted “back up!” and everyone was screaming - it was horrific. So instead of going to all the activities I kicked the kids out of the van and Dottie did end up getting to go in the car because I rushed her to the vet. By the graces of God nothing was broken and only her paw was impacted with some deep cuts and scrapes that had to be flushed and stitched in a few places. She had to wear a cast to protect the raw skin.

The injury itself wouldn’t impact pregnancy and birthing however, the medications she was prescribed were a bit iffy and despite everyone’s disappointment, I made the call to hold off because we didn’t want to knowingly risk the health of pups just because we were planning on puppies and excited.

So we waiting a very long year until April when Dottie went into heat this spring. We had yet another surprise… not a bad one this time, thankfully, but one that continued to keep us on our toes. Dottie’s heat cycle came a week earlier than anticipated so it shifted our plans and was a little bit of a challenge around spring break and Easter.

I made the drive up to Mt. Vernon twice where the wonderful Carolyn lives with her Pacific Doodles. Since we wanted to breed Dottie’s puppies a bit smaller, I had picked out Magic as the stud. He was a mere 13 or so inches tall (to Dottie’s near 20 inches) and we knew it would be a little bit of a challenge to ensure his safety while breeding. He was up to the task right away on day one and both Dottie and Magic were happily paired with the help of a box to give him the extra height and stability. However on the next attempt, two days later, fate would not have it and they did not have a successful live connection. So to make sure we would have puppies (as this would be the last year I’d feel comfortable breeding Dottie) we brought in runner up - Prince Charming. As luck would have it, we made it work and here we are counting down the days until we meet Dottie’s pups! So now the anticipation is not only until their imminent arrival, but as to who the daddy will be!

Magic is an adorable Mini Aussiedoodle while Prince Charming is an equally adorable Mini Berendoodle. Both are about the same size (despite the deceiving images) and both have great temperament and genes. My goal is breeding out some of the Labrador genes as we apparently have some of the less desirable recessive lab genes (in the form of joint pain - Tippy has arthritis - and cysts, both of which are much more common in the lab breed).

Anyway, the countdown of Puppy Watch 2023 has begun so join in the fun of the puppy pool while we anxiously await her puppies’ arrival!

#puppies #pregnancy #dogs #pets

0 notes

givemeonebreath · 3 years

Text

A big, messy Linked Universe playlist

Link for Links

Heavy on the angst, because of who I am as a person. (At the same time, don’t take it too seriously, man.)

Influenced by canon, manga (TP Link is really Going Through It™ ), my personal perceptions, and popular fandom canon.

A pretty wide variety of genres, with a bias towards metal and prog rock.

I kept snippets of lyrics for most songs, also because of who I am as a person. (Some were particularly hard to narrow down to just one verse or chorus.) Those - and a little more rambling - are under the cut if you really want, in the order of the playlist. But. It’s long.

I didn’t initially make this with the intent to share, but hey. Throughout my past year+ of listening, I’ve been haphazardly adding songs to a playlist I very creatively named Links. If something reminded me of them, whether through the music or lyrics or both, I threw it on the playlist, so some songs might seem odd or vague. Some are really on the nose, as subtle as a sledgehammer. (Sky for Sky? Dude. Sorry.) Some are there because of a fitting line or two that stuck in my head. Ultimately, music - like any form of creative expression - can be interpreted in a multitude of ways.

My listening habits and tastes are erratic, which is why this is one big, jumbled playlist and not separated for different Links. Not to mention if I did that, some (Wild, Legend) would have a lot and some (Wind, Four) would have none, both because of my own familiarity with them, and because of the general themes of the music I tend to listen to. Most songs are a general ‘hero’s spirit reborn’ mood, anyway - those are the first part of the playlist. The second half is more nuanced to specific Links, plus a few Ganon vibes.

1. Deep Purple - April (Koji Kondo, composer of the original Legend of Zelda theme, was into Deep Purple as a kid, and it shows.)

2. Kamelot - Regalis Apertura

3. Au4 - So Just Hang On, Beautiful One (I’ve posted this here before. I can’t hear it without thinking of LU now.) So I slipped in through the gate almost unknown. All my border stamps were late. Seven days old. Cold hand griped my shoulder blade, broke the bone. Bloody nose and turned away, all the way home.

4. FC Kahuna - Hayling Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here

5. Glass Animals - Youth Boy, when I left you you were young I was gone, but not my love You were clearly meant for more Than a life lost in the war

6. Pain of Salvation - Restless Boy A restless boy in a world too slow A flame born into cinder, ash, and glow I've given everything I gave it all Yet find myself alone

7. Haken - The Endless Knot Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line our cycle starts to fail. Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line we die to live again. We need a story to believe in. We need a hero to prevail. We need a challenge we can overcome, it takes a tragedy to make us one

8. Kamelot - Memento Mori (I particularly associate this with Time and Twilight) I am the god in my own history The master of the game I may believe if she would come to me And whisper out my name Sometimes I wonder where the wind has gone If life has ever been Sometimes I wonder how belief alone Can cut me free from sin

9. Katatonia - Fighters Look I told you so We never stop If we said that We'll back it up For sure You know We're fighters

10. Megadeth - This Day We Fight! (I mean, all Links, but particularly Warriors) For this I was chosen, because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of the night Off to another war-torn, faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde

11. Moon Tooth - Igneous Well, the spirit took me And this old broken body leapt up and danced Settin’ out Settin' out with all my heroes in a bundle at my back Hawk am I More wings span in my shadow than overcast Yeah, you know what they say Always need something to look up to, ha

12. Samael - Moongate Destiny, tomorrow is today Destiny, without boundaries How many nights will we spend together traveling infinity back and forth and again How many times will we go together questioning eternity about us about our wonders...

13. TOOL- Parabola This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

14. Lunatic Soul - Blood on the Tightrope No matter how hard you try To shut down your feverish thoughts They hunt you down with no regret Cause you have to fix it all

15. Hybrid - Keep It In The Family

16. Soul Savers - Unbalanced Pieces Gone, now carry on Through violent seasons I call you mother, mother, mother In vain, absent chain The twilight's bleeding And the playing board has two unbalanced pieces

17. Steve Von Till - Valley of the Moon All she gives is a stone facade Like ill-given flowers at a dead man's wake Here we slave for the dreams of another And fight over scraps like wayward dogs

18. Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

19. Lunatic Soul - Summoning Dance Three stones on the right side Three stones on the left My vicious circle of life and death “Oh you want it” I hear it again “Oh you want it” My burden Curse to break

20. Lunatic Soul - Through Shaded Woods Run through your shaded woods Run through your shaded mind Run through the night Run away Run through the darkness Run

21. Lunatic Soul - Naavie

22. David Bowie - Nature Boy There was a boy A very strange, enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far, over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

23. The Dandy Warhols - Sleep Well, I could sleep forever But it's of her I dream If I could sleep forever I could forget about everything

24. Au4 - Everyone is Everyone (and Everything is Everything) Tripping and tumbling, Flipping and fumbling. Flowing on the rivers of sadness That have been forever rumbling. But from dawn until now Of all the paths that I could have gone down Of all the valleys That I could have been flowing through. In spite of all the chaos And all that has come between us, How is it I still find myself Here with you.

25. Kingcrow - Everything Goes Your hands again upon the ground Falling rain for hours and hours As you learn the game Time dispels the fog ... Ever been there? Ever felt like prey? Ever thought your mind was feeble? Lot of things that don’t make sense

26. Pain of Salvation - Icon As a child I felt too old And now when I'm grown-up I feel too young A different kind so I've been told Just slightly out of reach and out of time

27. Sophia Loizou - Divine Interference (I got spooky dungeon vibes. Also, the title.)

28. Carpenter Brut - Fab Tool Runnin Gunnin Forward in the phantom shatter so grand Splatter grand, arcanum fuel Wrought iron out of the sky Over me, tells no lie

29. Blue Stahli - Death Will Have to Run All on the open road Where none will ever grow A journey toward the known With countless miles to go

30. Gyroscope - Mistakes & Ladders I am the first? No I can't be the first A continuous nothing, destined for something Tell me who you are and why you trapped me here

31. Queens of the Stone Age - Run, Pig, Run Run, pig, run Here I come

32. Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts - Guard The Fort The swords are drawn and odds are stacked And we clash the impact's a thunderous clap Calm demeanor Even though we are under attack [...my turn to guard the fort ready for combat]

33. The Great Discord - Army of Me (lol)

34. Kongos - Terrified I think I'll start again and change my name You only live once or twice, what a shame Somebody fucked up when designing this game

35. Woodkid - Run Boy Run Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees

36. The Beta Machine - The End A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me

37. Devin Townsend Project - Gump When we last met who was I? I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out I'm sorry how you'll take this But I just don't have the patience anymore

38. Arrested Youth - Riot! I can't get much satisfaction living in this cave It's tough to breathe, I'm in the belly of the beast Can't sleep with all my rage With me and all my generations living in this cage Pick up your guns and tell your sons, tonight we break the cage

39. Led Zeppelin - Friends So anytime somebody needs you Don't let them down, although it grieves you Some day you'll need someone like they do Looking for what you knew

40. Faunts - M4, pt 2 (Wild) Fight your foes you're not alone Holy war is on the phone Asking to please stay on hold Bleeding loss of blood runs cold And I need you to recover Because I can't make it on my own

41. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes (Wild) I want them to know it's me, it's on my head I'll point the finger at me, it's on my head Smiling with the mouth of the ocean And I'll wave to you with the arms of the mountain

42. Devin Townsend - Jupiter (Wild) I know you At least I think I do Everything's changed But in the days that are so dark It's wonderful

43. Katatonia - Neon Epitaph (Wild) Shadow of my shadow Cling not to my grief I am long left behind now You are free

44. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (Wild) Time has stopped before us The sky cannot ignore us No one can separate us For we are all that is left The echo bounces off me The shadow lost beside me There's no more need to pretend Cause now I can begin again

45. Katatonia - Lacquer (Wild) My voice travelling Soaring bird above your head The house we lived in Ridden with disease ... The levee breaking I can't live to fight once more The road to the grave is straight as an arrow I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

46. Eskimo Joe - This is Pressure (Wild) There is no romance in suffocation The walls fall down like your expectations You want to scream And you want to shout But you've built up steam And you can't let it out This is pressure

47. Portugal. The Man - 1000 Years (Wild) We'll wait 1000 years Until the end of time We'll wait 1000 more Dressed up in gold and white We'll climb the mountain sides To find what's in the sky We'll dig through mountain sides To find what's deep inside

48. Au4 - An Ocean’s Measure of Sorrow (Wild) Forgot my name and who I was. Memories of nothing floating up. All of the sorrow we once knew, Colours the ocean's water blue.

49. Band of Skulls - Carnivorous (Twilight) I am corrosive and cohesive Like a chemical bond I'm all together undone I am the broken kingdom I'm just so, so, so So carnivorous

50. Glass Animals - Flip (Twilight) I wanna go back with a club and attack I wanna take to my guns and break you I gotta make my little foe take his own

51. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me (Twilight) My mind has changed my body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame, my body's strained, but, God, I like it

52. Kamelot - The Spell (Twilight) All my demons cast a spell The souls of dusk rising from the ashes So the book of shadows tell The weak will always obey the master

53. OSI - Radiologue (Legend) I was dreaming I was heading west thirty days faster Had a fever woke up in a sweat bailing out the water Can't go on Can't go back Heard your voice coming through the noise wrote it in the radio log Hurt my head, wondering what you said so I threw it overboard

54. Katatonia - Don’t Tell A Soul (Legend) I have been destroyed by the perfection that is a lie see I'm moving soon see my feet are already on the road and if you know where I’m going don’t tell a soul

55. Haken - The Mind’s Eye (Legend) The shape of things to come are closer than they seem Changing your design every time you disappear I'm planning my escape through portals of your mind Where people seem to drop like flies

56. Pain of Salvation - Species (Legend) Sometimes I hate my fucking species Yet most days I'll do anything to please it My generation was fooled to pursue our dreams But it is not what it seems You never need what you want And you rarely want what you need

57. Euringer - Do You Kiss Your Mama with That Mouth? (Legend) All my life, misunderstood I'm fuckin' too smart, too smart for my own good The last question, before I go is "Hey motherfucka, do you kiss your mama with that mouth?" Yes! I kiss your mama with this mouth

58. !!! - Pardon My Freedom (Legend) Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit Like I give a fuck about that shit Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit

59. Team Sleep - Ataraxia (Legend) Froze asleep Coma deep I dream I'm out with you Alone at sea

60. Oliver Tank - Embrace (Legend) You're in my dreams The world is torn apart at the seams And I don't wanna leave Wearing my heart on it's sleeve

61. Machine Gun Fellatio - The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares) (Legend) The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares I don't know what it means but she's got multi-coloured hair When she stands in the sand I dream of peaches And I'm not sure what that means either

62. Earl Greyhound - Shotgun (Legend & Hyrule) I am nobody, nobody is who I am I am a traveler on this land And nothing, nothing, nothing in my hands

63. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun (Hyrule) You're staring at the sun You're standing in the sea Your mouth is open wide You're trying hard to breathe The water's at your neck There's lightning in your teeth Your body's over me

64. Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (Time) Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him

65. Sufjan Stevens - Sugar (Sky) Don’t break my heart, don’t break my flow now And all this rage has got to go now Let’s take up this lifeline Come on, baby, gimme some sugar Don’t make me wait Don’t make me wait too long Don’t make me sing the sad song Come on, baby, gimme some sugar

66. Obsydians - Ascension (Sky) Rise above the hardships you’ll face I will sign and keep on rising As long as you are giving me your soul and keep me awake Feel like home and spread your light around I will listen and just be there As long as you are giving me your love I’ll give you my soul

67. Sonique - Sky -_-

68. Enter Shikari - The King (Ganon) Watch your back, my friend I'm about to kickstart a cycle Of never ending revenge And this time it's primal, it's tribal

69. Saul Williams - WTF! (Ganon, Hylia) "You've been polluted, uprooted by time You have been muted, computed but I'm A living vessel of the one, of the moon, of the sun" Hey! You ain't as dead as you seem, what the fuck? Hey! But you keep living your lies

70. These New Puritans - We Want War (Ganon/ Dark Link/ any nemesis I guess) Shadows dance back up, it's happening again If you listen carefully you might hear them whisper: "We hold all the secrets, we hold all the words; But they're scrambled and broken so you'll never know" Can't you see them Floating like black ash? Can't you feel them Crawling down your back?

#linked universe #linkeduniverse #listening to music while I stare blankly at nothing is legit my number one hobby #and then shit like this happens #linked universe playlist

20 notes · View notes

saturniandevil · 3 years

Text

January 2021 & The Year Ahead

AKA my notes from The Astrology Podcast because I really appreciate these regular forecasts, supplemented with this big ephemeris.

WRAPPING UP

Going into this, Saturn & Jupiter will be conjunct in Aquarius on the solstice, December 21. (I’ve scheduled a reminder post so you can go out and see it--just after sunset!) I’ve also done a quick peek ahead and we’ve got a lot of Aquarian themes for us in January and 2021 in general--change in major cycles. Jupiter-Saturn conjunctions take place every 20 years, and this one in Aquarius shifts us to a ~200-year period where Jupiter-Saturn conjunctions will now take place in air signs, after having had them in earth signs for the past ~150 years. Air can represent information and data, and Kelly and Austin also talk about how air can also represent dispersion; you don’t see a breeze but you see the leaves or sand moving with it. We may move towards digital communication and decentralization/deconstruction of social & political institutions.

(Image of Archetypal Explorer software showing how December is the nexus of some major outer planet interactions)

HIGHLIGHTS

Saturn Square Uranus // ♄ □ ♅

Saturn has been contacting Pluto, who intensifies his structures, but this year Uranus will be challenging him. Worldwide we may see more large-scale pushes for larger change--the struggle for liberation against structures that are no longer working. Exact on: February 17 (♄♒ □ ♅♉ at 7° of each respective sign) June 14 (♄♒ □ ♅♉ at 13°) December 24 (♄♒ □ ♅♉ at 11°)

Jupiter square Uranus // ♃ □ ♅

This aspect has a shorter-term effect, but Jupiter may lend his benefic influence to this struggle and make the change easier or more constructive. Exact on: January 17 (♃♒ □ ♅♉ at 6°)

General shift from Cardinal signs to Fixed & Mutable signs

Jupiter’s and Saturn’s trips into Aquarius this week mean that 2021 will start out with a strong emphasis on early degrees of fixed signs right off the bat, and Mars will be entering Taurus soon as well. Look to the planets and houses where Aquarius and the other fixed signs fall for you to get a glimpse of where this shift may affect you on a personal level. Saturn will slowly trek through Aquarius over the next 2 years, and the nodes/eclipse axis will also shift into fixed signs in 2022.

The eclipse axis (N. and S. node) has already moved from Cancer-Capricorn to Gemini-Sagittarius, moving some personal & emotional focus to the mutable signs. (Eclipses occur when a new or full moon lines up with the nodes.) Dates: May 26 - total lunar eclipse (🌞♊ ☍ 🌙♐ at 5°) June 10 - annular solar eclipse (🌞 ☌ 🌙 at 19°♊) November 19 - partial lunar eclipse (🌞 ♏ ☍ 🌙 ♉ at 27°) December 4 - total solar eclipse (🌞 ☌ 🌙 at 12°♐)

Generally, the problems that cardinal signs have brought to attention or projects they have started will be changing for awhile--fixed signs are slow to get started but long-lasting.

Mercury retrogrades will also be taking place in air signs this year! More in-depth information below the cut (after January).

JANUARY 2021

January 6: Mars enters Taurus // ♂ ➡♉ This means he’ll be squaring Jupiter, Saturn, and conjunct Uranus--possibly igniting some of the issues they have brought forth? Mars and Uranus may prove combustible against critical Saturn, but Jupiter may be more receptive to change.

January 8: Mercury enters Aquarius, Venus enters Capricorn // ♄ ➡♒ ; ♀ ➡♑ This will put Mercury in a square to Mars--watch what you say! Our messenger will also be squaring Uranus in Taurus, which may indicate disruptive difficulties in the communication or distribution of basic material necessities, or changes in currency.

January 13: New Moon at 23° Capricorn // 🌞 ☌ 🌙 23♑

January 14: Uranus goes direct at 6° Taurus // ♅(d) 6♉

January 19: Sun enters Aquarius // 🌞➡♒

January 28: Full Moon at 9° Leo // 🌞9♒ ☍ 🌙9♌ The moon will be opposite a close Sun-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius, as well as squaring that Mars-Uranus conjunction, forming T-square in Leo, Aquarius, and Taurus. Expect tension and outbursts--perhaps channeled unexpectedly through that empty point in Scorpio.

January 30: Mercury Retrograde at 26° Aquarius // ☿(rx) 26♒

Rest of 2021 below the cut!

QUARTERLY BREAKDOWN

Similar to January, here are some highlights for the months ahead. (Sorry but I’m ditching the emojis now or I’d go insane trying to cut and paste them. They’ll be back in other posts announcing sign ingresses, monthly forecasts, etc.)

Aquarius Stellium By the 10th we will have the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, and Saturn all in Aquarius---that’s every visible planet except Mars! Last time this happened was in 1961-2. Look to your chart to see where this will affect you; Feburary will show you how Aquarius is going to manifest for you.

These planets will be hidden by the sun’s light (cazimi), considered a behind-the-scenes “cycle reset” for each. As the sun moves forward, these planets will become visible again in the sky just before sunrise, literally re-emerging into our view.

Saturn Square Uranus, Jupiter Square Uranus

Mercury Retrograde in Aquarius From January 30 (26 degrees) to February 20 (11 degrees). This means he’ll be slowly moving towards a conjunction with Jupiter (visible in the morning sky).

March

March 3: Mars enters Gemini This will relieve some of the pressure on the fixed squares; things may get a little more flexible. Lots of energy, possible all over the Internet.

March 4: Jupiter conjunct Mercury in Aquarius Some ease of communications here.

March 20-26: Venus conjunct Sun in Pisces & Aries The Sun enters Pisces on the 20th with Venus following on the 21st. She’s exalted in Pisces, but hidden under the Sun’s rays. Mercury has entered Pisces just a few days earlier as well.

Mars conjunct North Node in Gemini Squaring the Sun and Venus throughout the month. Mars may indicate rashness and the North Node confusion (eclipses)--check where Gemini falls in your chart to see where things may fall off a good path.

SECOND QUARTER OF 2021

April

Venus-Sun conjunction continues She’s not to happy being burnt by the Sun or in fiery Aries, though she does enter her domicile in Taurus.

Stellium in Taurus Mercury, Venus, Sun, and Uranus will be hanging out in early-mid Taurus by the 20th, loosely squaring Saturn in Aquarius while they’re close to each other. We may find ourselves “going outside like we never have before.” We’ll be reintegrating into the physical world as an act of rebellion, or rediscovering older knowledge as something new and revolutionary.

April 23: Mars moves into Cancer Slower, more subtle and emotional than Mars in Gemini

April 26: Full Moon at 7° Scorpio Really emphasizing the Taurus Stellium & Saturn-Uranus square. In mutual reception (in each others’ domicile-similar to a conjunction) with Mars in Cancer

April 27: Pluto retrograde at 26° Capricorn Pluto is the last of those big planets to hang around here. May affect the United States’ chart (having a Pluto return.)

May

May 13: Jupiter enters Pisces At last, the major benefic in his domicile! He’s moved away from his fall this year, but was still co-present with negating Saturn up at this point--but now he’s out on his own. Aggressive hugs, chicken soup for the soul, possibly a return of travel in some places (“spring break”). In a mutable sign he can show us the new opportunities in events that have occurred. However he’ll go back to Aquarius this year--rooming with his landlord Saturn. It’s a bit of a sneak peak for 2022.

May 23: Saturn Retrograde at 13° Aquarius

May 26: Total Lunar Eclipse at 5° Sagittarius Picking up some of the themes from the eclipse we just had in December 2020 and turning them in a new direction. This eclipse’s ruler is Jupiter in Pisces, and the Sun’s ruler Mercury is also in domicile in Gemini (the Sun is opposite the Moon at all full moons, this time he’s in Gemini.)

It’s an eclipse, though--what are we not seeing, what are we missing? Our podcast hosts are predicting that perhaps travel agencies will rush forward and miss some things. December 14, the last eclipse, the US had the electoral college officially vote for Biden and the first patient to receive the vaccine--the US chart has Sag rising and Jupiter in Cancer (in the most common chart).

May 29: Mercury Retrograde at 24° Gemini Squaring Neptune in Pisces--perhaps the increased travel will be due to some illusions. He’ll be STRONG during this retrograde, so there may be some disastrous overload in travel or other Mercurian areas, such as communication.

June

June 5: Mars in Cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn 26° cardinal signs are especially sensitive to this shift in power dynamics. This has been building since the last eclipse and precedes another one.

June 10: Solar eclipse at 19° Gemini Triple conjunction with Sun/Moon/Mercury, squaring Neptune in Pisces. A time for fantasy and illusions, not so great on the logistics.

June 11: Mars enters Leo Once again, fixed sign emphasis--this time Mars is approaching the Saturn♒-Uranus♉ square, which has been building and will go exact on the 14th. We may be headed for more social turmoil and a fire Mars will make this all louder.

June 20: Jupiter Retrograde at 21° Pisces He has unfinished business in Saturn in Aquarius. He’ll go back into Pisces when Mars, Uranus, and Saturn allow us some more optimism.

THIRD QUARTER

July

July 1: Mars opposite Saturn

July 3: Mars square Uranus This further emphasizes the stubborn tension that’s been plaguing us all year--intensifying in midsummer.

July 28: Jupiter re-enters Aquarius He may be playing a bit of peacemaker between Saturn and Uranus in the fixed signs.

July 22: Sun enters Leo The Sun generally has a stabilizing influence, especially in a fixed signs, but he’ll have to contend with Saturn (as will all planets in Leo for the next couple years.) Both planets are in their domicile for this opposition, perhaps bringing a more moderate, measured negotiation to the conflicts of Mars ☍ Saturn at the beginning of the month.

July 29: Mars enters Virgo He’ll be exiting an opposition with Jupiter, meaning he’ll no longer be aggravating the fixed outer planet struggles. Venus precedes him a week earlier; at a personal level we may be a little more calculating and flexible.

August

First week: Sun square Uranus Is over within the first seven days. A little more positive for us.

August 16: Venus enters Libra Finally, she can enjoy her domicile without Saturn squaring her in Capricorn! The benefics are more free to help us in 2021 than they were in 2020. We start reaching fair agreements, whether personally, politically or financially.

August 18: Mercury conjunct Mars at 12° Virgo Fast & Furious! An earth Mercury may push is towards a tangible solution. Mars is in fall, but is being received by Mercury (Mars is in Mercury’s domicile), and may really listen to the messenger. This also trines Uranus in Taurus, adding a distinct flavor of technological innovation here.

August 22: Venus (♎) trine Saturn (♒) Venus is in Saturn’s sign of exaltation as well--she’s got the power to make some deals with structured Saturn. Coincides with a Full Moon in Aquarius and the Sun entering Virgo.

August 30: Mercury enters Libra He’s joining Venus, and Mars is coming soon

September

September 10: Venus enters Scorpio

September 14: Mars enters Libra The accords reached during Venus in Libra may come crashing down as Mercury and Mars join her--some may stay, but some deals are OFF!

September 27: Mercury Retrograde at 25° Libra We’ll really be rethinking some of the agreements that were just made. He’ll trine Jupiter before and during this retrograde--things will feel good. But with Mars there we’ll have to face the issues.

FOURTH QUARTER

Things will really get spicy towards the end of the year.

October

October 6: Pluto goes Direct at 24° Capricorn fjdhada

October 6: New Moon in Libra Conjunct Mercury and Mars, with the planets making trines to Jupiter and Saturn as they approach and leave this lunation. May see a challenge to agreement and accord in the realms under the outer planets’ rule.

October 10: Saturn stations direct at 6°♒

October 18: Mercury stations Direct at 10 Libra, Jupiter stations Direct at 22 Aquarius

October 19: Full Moon at 27 Aries Opposite Sun-Mars conjunction in Libra. This highlights a growing square between Mars (23°♎) and Pluto (24°♑). Jupiter (22°♒) is trine the Sun & Mars, though, so he may relieve some of the pressure.

October 30: Mars enters Scorpio Once again he’ll activate that Saturn-Uranus square and add pressure to the fixed signs.

November

Mars, Sun, Mercury enter Scorpio They will each activate that outer planet square. The accords that weren’t working in October will be really apparent now.

November 19: Lunar eclipse in Taurus This is the first eclipse on the axis we’ll be seeing in 2022--a foreshadowing for the following year. And this will further aggravate some of the fixed sign tension we’ve been experiencing. It’s also squaring Jupiter at 24 Aquarius, who may ease the aspects a liiittle bit.

December

December 1: Neptune stations direct at 20° Pisces

December 4: Total solar eclipse at 12° Sagittarius The completion of the eclipse series on the Gemini-Sag axis. The nodes will change early 2022, and the themes of the eclipse cycle that started a year previous (last week at time of writing) will wrap up. Mars is still in Scorpio, and the “martial” fixed star Antares is close by to this eclipse--strong chance some of the previous contention will ignite or stay aflame.

December 19: Venus Retrograde at 26° Capricorn She’ll be leading us into 2022 with this motion. She’s conjunct Pluto during this station, slowing down almost to his pace as she prepares to change directions. Venus & Pluto may represent more obsessive love, and in Capricorn things may be melancholic and bound/restrained.

December 24: Uranus♉-Saturn♒ square exact to the minute (5°11″) This is the final, most intense culmination of the aspect that has overshadowed the year (although it will come back in ‘22 as well.)

December 28: Jupiter re-enters Pisces He’ll travel all the way through it this time! ;) From this watery domicile he may put out some of the fires that Mars started. We welcome an empowered benefic as we move on to the new year--good news for the mutable signs!

#astrology #forecast #transits #2021 #january 2021

27 notes · View notes

the-witchs-book · 3 years

Text

Horoscope Tarot of the Month

These will not be daily. It takes too much energy in these old witch bones of mine to conjure up a daily reading for ALL of the horoscopes, so I'm doing a monthly one.... if I remember. Again, am old witch.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Sign: The Ram Element: Fire Card: Minor Arcana - Four of Swords, Reversed Meaning: You are being forced to seclude yourself by other means than yourself. You're either imprisoned in the literal sense or in the metaphoric sense of a relationship, either platonic, romantic, or familial. This could also mean you've been excluded from a social group you were once a part of. It's time to accept that this phase of your life is over and to start searching for new opportunities in the future.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Sign: The Bull Element: Earth Card: Minor Arcana - Page of Cups, Reversed Meaning: There is a negative person in your life that harbors a grudge for selfish reasons. They are bitter and reacts to small (or imagined) things with furious hatred and even revenge. This person can even be yourself. The Page of Cups reversed may indicate that it's time to let go of grudges or bitterness before they can poison you and make you deeply depressed or even physically ill.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Sign: The Twins Element: Air Card: Major Arcana No. IX - The Shaman Meaning: It's time to be prudent and removed yourself from current situations. Become an onlooker rather than a participant. This will allow you have a clearer evaluation before making decisions. When the Shaman appears, it means it is time for careful planning rather than action. This could also mean it's time for a necessary self-isolation in order to draw inward on yourself and reflect on present situation and future plans. Look forward to future illumination from within.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Sign: The Crab Element: Water Card: Minor Arcana - King of Swords Meaning: The King of Swords calls upon you to develop within you the element of air, especially your mental powers, the intellectual capacity of developing strategies to make the changes you want. When this card appears, it may indicate that a mature individual is about to be influential in your life. They have very high moral ideals, is an intellectual, and a charismatic leader with great personal strength and dynamism. This person will help instigate great changes in your life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Sign: The Lion Element: Fire Card: Major Arcana No. VII - The Chariot, Reversed Meaning: You are collapsing under pressure and losing your self-control. Your aggression is being channeled in the wrong direction - wildly at other people, at fate, at circumstances. This is a complete waster of your energy and resources. Redefine your aggression as determination and willpower, stop clinging weakly to unrewarding ideas, habits, people, and objects - and move forward.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Sign: The Maiden Element: Earth Card: Minor Arcana - Four of Wands Meaning: The Four of Wands indicates that you have put a lot of hard work into a project and are now starting to reap the rewards. You have earned a rest but will soon have to start work again. However, you should be wary of rushing things, pay attention to detail, and make sure you have enough support and financial backing to see things through to completion. On a personal level, this card indicates that the demands of a relationship will ease off and will become more happy and harmonious. For the unattached... romance is in the air.

Libra (September 23 - October 22) Sign: The Scales Element: Air Card: Minor Arcana - Three of Wands Meaning: The Three of Wands indicates that you are entitle to celebrate the initial success of a project. Things have gone well so far, and you were lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. However, though the foundations have been well laid, you will need to put in a lot of hard work and creative energy. Be flexible, as it may become necessary to modify or improve the original idea. This can be an exciting period when you will be stretched and challenged and will achieve more than you ever thought possible.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Sign: The Scorpion Element: Water Card: Major Arcana No. XII - The Sacrifice, Reversed Meaning: If the Sacrifice card appears reversed, it indicates that you have become obsessed with control. You are letting many opportunities pass you by for fear of losing those things you already have, whether they are useful to you or not. You may be storing a lot of useless junk, in all senses, because you are loath to let anything go. You may be trying to control the lives of you family, children, or friends to suit yourself, rather than in a true desire for the best for them. This card is warning you that you are in danger of becoming obsessed with small details, with cataloging things and putting them in order, and missing out on the bigger picture. Though details may be fascinating, you also need to step back and look at the whole picture.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Sign: The Archer Element: Fire Card: Minor Arcana - Queen of Wands Meaning: The influence of the Queen of Wands may make itself felt in your life in the form of an actual woman. She is friendly and warm, but forthright and even a bit bossy. The Queen of Wands may even be a successful career woman, as she is imaginative and creative, or she may focus on many talents on her home and children. This card calls on you to sustain you vision and nurture your spirit. It is time to develop the qualities of independence, creativity, and warmth.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) Sign: The Sea Goat Element: Earth Card: Major Arcana No. XXI - The World Tree Meaning: The World Tree represents not only the whole cosmos, but is the central axis that links all three realms. This axis does not exist in any physical place, but can be created anywhere by the conscious will of the magician. By aligning oneself with the axis mundi, they are aligned with the center of the universe and through it have access to all realms. At the deepest levels, you will travel to various realms of consciousness in order to gain knowledge and personal teaching from Otherworldly beings. On the mundane level, the World Tree marks the successful completion of some venture, achieving something that you worked hard for: the successful end of a cycle of events. You will be rewarded for your efforts - it's time to celebrate. On a higher level, the World Tree demonstrates the Oneness and interconnection of all things, their equal importance and their myriad possibilities. This is an ideal, rather than something we can attain on a day-to-day basis - we're only human, after all. However, it is something we can glimpse at certain special moments and sense its harmony, its reconciliation of opposites.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) Sign: The Water Bearer Element: Air Card: Minor Arcana - Five of Cups Meaning: When the Five of Cups appears, it indicates that you are wallowing in regret for something you have lost and ignoring what you still have left, which may be more valuable in the long run. This card often indicates a marriage or a love affair gone wrong, leading to unhappiness and perhaps separations, but in this card the situation is not terminal; there is something that can be retrieved. You seem to be trying to avoid making decisions, hoping that by ignoring a situation, it will go away. But inaction may prove fatal in the sense that you will only deepen your regret and making the situation more absolute.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Sign: The Koi Fish Element: Water Card: Minor Arcana - Three of Swords Meaning: The Three of Swords indicates that things have reached rock bottom. Your life is taken up with quarrels and upheavals. You feel great sorrow at the dissolution of cherished friendships and relationships; partnerships are breaking up, and separations and divorce are possible. You may feel that you have reached the limits of your endurance. Do not despair, this situation has arisen because things could not go on forever as they were. Things are out in the open now and you can only get better from this point. If you work magically, or spiritually, with other people, this card indicates the endings of such groups and partnerships. But this is a necessary step you must take to reach a new chapter of your life.

4 notes · View notes

becomewings · 4 years

Text

Shadows of My Childhood

Analysis: ON Children + Shadows of the Past (BU/HYYH)

Note: All names herein refer to fictional characters in BU (BTS Universe/HYYH/The Notes). The events described are entirely fictional and not representative of the members' real lives.

Content warning: contains mentions of abuse, abandonment, trauma, and suicide; images of blood

Some of the most compelling aspects of the ON official MV, and indeed most of BTS’s cinematic repertoire, are the multiple layers of meaning and opportunity for interpretation woven throughout the video. While this version of ON has not been confirmed as part of BU canon, it contains enough explicit references to visual material in other BU videos to merit analysis of the deeper thematic connections between the two.

In this post, I will specifically look through the lens of the pairing of child figures with BTS members in ON to address possible implications within the context of their corresponding BU characters. If the children of ON represent the shadows of the characters’ pasts that continue to haunt and shape them, then the relationships and interactions of the video pairings map to each character’s coping mechanism for handling these ghosts: JiMin’s denial of trauma; YoonGi’s self-inflicted destruction; and TaeHyung’s spiral of violence that starts within him yet increasingly splinters outward. But they also shed light on the future’s hope for moving forward and healing.

The blindfolded girl + TaeHyung

The child with the most screen time and arguably the most significance in the unfolding of ON’s cinematic narrative is paired with TaeHyung. But taken in the context of BU, why is the child a girl and why does she wear a blindfold? Blood ties and violence are the roots of TaeHyung’s shadows. Yet it is impossible to address the years of his suffering without acknowledging the individual who bore it alongside him, the person one may interpret as represented by the blindfolded girl: his sister.

This portrayal does not reflect their true age difference. She is depicted as a child because, as a protective brother, he views it as his duty to safeguard her innocence. The blindfold reinforces the symbolism that he is trying to protect her from the atrocities and darkness of the world. In ON, it is the aftermath of a bloody war (a battlefield upon which he possibly fell and was reborn, given the grave marker of gathered objects and the cross-like pose of his awakening). In the BU narrative, the darkness is domestic violence and their father.

As young children, TaeHyung and his sister were abandoned by their mother, who was pushed to terrible extremes by her husband's treatment, and left to fend for themselves in the home of an abusive alcoholic. Violence is perpetuated throughout their childhood and into adulthood. Every time she suffers, he suffers too, whether by his father's hand or the guilt that he is powerless to stop him.

“Then. That night. That night ten years ago when Mom left home. That night when Mom, my sister, and I were beaten to a pulp by Dad and we cried ourselves to sleep. … My sister is weeping quietly. It was even more distressing to hear it today.” — TaeHyung, 24 July Year 22. The Notes 1.

This cycle of violence traps TaeHyung in a private nightmare, making him afraid of his own nature's potential: vengeful fantasies (and half-remembered events from parallel timelines) of killing his father; lashing out physically at his friends in moments of conflict. Perhaps more than anything, he fears turning into his father (20 May Year 22, The Notes: Her). Denial is a disease. The more he withholds the truth of his pain and fear, the deeper the darkness takes root in his heart. The pressure threatens to break outward, consuming the people closest to him, or shatter him from within. At his most desperate, TaeHyung views suicide, an act of violence against oneself, as the only way to break free of this cycle.

“I almost killed Dad who brought me into this world and who beat me every day. I almost killed him. No, I actually killed him. Countless times. I killed him countless times in my head. I want to kill him. I want to die. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.” — TaeHyung, 20 May Year 22. The Notes 1.

Outside, TaeHyung dons a mask to conceal the circumstances of his home life, even around his closest friends. Despite his grinning and loud-mouthed persona, this mask is cracked. His friends see the signs: bruises on his face and back, the emotional marks that run deeper than skin. They follow his lead and do not speak openly of the abuse. TaeHyung refuses to acknowledge that they can see through his mask. They all skirt the uncomfortable truth:

“TaeHyung laughed sheepishly, taking off his torn shirt. Under the dim light hanging on the trailer box, for a second, I saw his bruised back. HoSeok looked at me in shock. TaeHyung looked at himself in the mirror wearing my T-shirt. And he laughed.” — NamJoon, 11 April Year 22. The Notes: Her (translation credit: KRN - ENG © ktaebwi).

“I couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling when I felt this chilly inside. His heart must’ve felt ripped and torn. Or, does he have a heart left at all? How much anguish has he endured? … I first saw the scar on TaeHyung’s back in NamJoon’s container. I couldn’t bring myself to ask about it when he was smiling so broadly with his new T-shirt present.” — HoSeok, 20 May Year 22. The Notes 1.

He cannot seek help from his friends, because that would admit his powerlessness and give voice to the truth of his suffering. And if his pain is real, then so is his sister's.

TaeHyung cannot protect her from the brutality of their father's abuse. He cannot shield her from the cruel reality of their world. The gateway to healing will never open while he turns a blind eye to the ramifications of the violence committed within his family. In ON, acceptance of these truths is embodied in his removal of the girl's blindfold. She gazes forward, unafraid, at the wall toward which she has been looking the whole time. Standing, he takes her hand and discovers that the once-impenetrable wall is in fact a gate. With open eyes, he can see the blossoming land beyond. The future has hope, if only he can face the reality of his family’s violent history.

The drummer boy + JiMin

This is not the first time a blindfold has been employed as a significant visual symbol in BTS’s MVs. Blindfolds, in the form of silk or other members’ hands, figured prominently in Wings-era BU content, particularly in association with JiMin. Therefore, it is all the more noteworthy that in ON, he is not the one paired with the blindfolded child. However, there are several cuts from TaeHyung and his blindfolded partner to JiMin and the drummer boy, or vice versa, that feel like a deliberate choice to draw attention to this absence and the contrast against previous representations.

In the BU narrative, JiMin suffers from seizures likely caused by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as the result of an as-yet-unspecified traumatic childhood event that he has tried, and often failed, to repress. He is forced into extended hospitalizations by his parents, who seem unwilling to face the reality that something happened to their child and seek to bury his “abnormal behavior” behind doctors and drugs to preserve the family’s appearance of normalcy.

“When I was taken to the hospital after they found me unconscious at the Grass Flower Arboretum, my parents didn’t ask any questions. They ignored the fact that I had blacked out there. It was the same when I developed seizures. They hospitalized me, discharged me after some time, and transferred me to another school. Family reputation was important to them. A son with mental illness was unacceptable.” — JiMin, 11 May Year 22. The Notes 1.

JiMin, for his part, wants to live a normal life by attending school and cultivating friendships. Maintaining both presents challenges that he struggles to overcome, doubting his own fortitude and questioning the lie that he perpetuates to save himself: nothing ever happened to him. When his seizures are triggered by stimuli that resurface memories of the past, he winds up in the hospital again and again. Donning a metaphorical blindfold to deny the truth of his trauma, he attempts to convince the medical staff of the same lie.

“When the doctor asked me about it in a concerned tone, I trembled and apologized at first. I repeatedly said that I was sorry. It was all my fault. Please let me forget all about it. Then, I tried to pretend nothing had happened. I didn’t remember anything.” — JiMin, 11 May Year 22. The Notes 1.

After HoSeok and his friends help break him out of the hospital (15 May Year 22, The Notes 1), JiMin recognizes that in order to keep his freedom, he must prove both to his family and to himself that he is “okay” and will not relapse.

“I had to return to the Grass Flower Arboretum. I had to stop lying about not remembering what I’d seen there. It was time to stop hiding in the hospital and put an end to my seizures. To do that, I had to go back there. But, for days, I went to the shuttle bus stop and failed to get on the bus.

After I watched the third bus of the day pull away, YoonGi suddenly appeared and plunked down next to me. … Then he asked what I was doing here. I kept my head bent low and kicked the ground with the toe of my sneaker. I was sitting there because I didn’t have courage. I wanted to pretend that I was OK now, that I knew enough, and that I could easily overcome this. But I was afraid. I was afraid of not knowing what I was about to face, whether I would be able to endure it, and whether I would have a seizure again.

… The bus stopped and the door opened. The driver stared at me. I asked YoonGi. ‘Will you go with me?’” — JiMin, 19 May Year 22. The Notes 1.

The drummer boy in ON may represent, in part, JiMin’s childhood: his real younger self, the one who experienced an event with long-reaching, traumatic consequences, just as the drummer boy marched into the horrors of war. User @cinnaminsvga points out that the boy’s striped pants (and I will add, shaved head) may refer to the common style of uniform assigned in Holocaust concentration camps, drawing in additional themes of imprisonment and persecution. In JiMin’s case, the violence against his true identity is committed by himself, in the attempted act of self-preservation, and his family, in turning a blind eye and forcing his hospitalization.

JiMin has spent years of his life denying the truth of what happened in the arboretum, hiding behind a blindfold of denial and lies. Embarking on the arboretum shuttle with YoonGi marks his first conscious effort to remove that blindfold. This is paralleled by his interaction with ON’s drummer boy. For the first time, he reaches out to that boy of his past, in a striking visual homage to Blood, Sweat, & Tears. Instead of running away, he chooses to face the reality of his trauma, in the hope of walking a new path toward acceptance and healing.

Later events in the Notes and BU films remind us that the path to recovery is not easy or straightforward. It is riddled with pitfalls and switchbacks, challenges and missteps that threaten to drag oneself into relapse. When JiMin accidentally stumbles into his dance studio partner and they fall, the sight of his own blood once again triggers him.

“The blood reminded me of the Grass Flower Arboretum. I felt suffocated. I couldn’t remember how I got up, ran out of the practice room, and made it to the restroom. I scrubbed and washed the scrape like crazy, becoming more and more frightened at seeing the blood sucked down the drain. I thought I’d overcome this. I thought I was OK. But I wasn’t. I had to flee. I had to wash it off. I had to look the other way.

… On that day, I’d run away from the Grass Flower Arboretum. My body was covered with mud that looked like blood. I hadn’t grown up one bit from that little eight-year-old kid.” — JiMin, 4 July Year 22. The Notes 1.

The road to the future will be paved with hardship and setbacks for JiMin. However, the act of reaching toward the drummer boy in ON may further represent the acceptance that he has more challenges to overcome. Although the young age of military drummers has been exaggerated and romanticized over the years, their role is uncontested: drums helped the formations march in step, and a language of rudiments (basic rhythmic patterns) relayed commands from officers to soldiers. Despite the danger to their lives, they accompanied the troops to war and played on the battlefield. JiMin’s partnership with the drummer boy in ON signifies his willingness to brave the conflicts, personal and external, ahead. Though his private battles to survive his trauma are far from over, if he does not surrender again to denial, he will one day see light breaking through the storm.

The candle girls + YoonGi

In ON, YoonGi is connected with not just one child, but an entire congregation. The scene appears as a kind of candlelight vigil or memorial service, likely composed of girls because all the men and boys have been summoned to the war. Fire has been one of the most significant, recurring elements since the very beginning of BU content, especially in association with YoonGi, so the choice of imagery is impossible to miss. Fire is the root of his obsessions, the heart of his torment, the means to his self-destruction.

YoonGi has never truly come to terms with his mother's death, locking away the suspicion that she was responsible for setting the fire that took her life. His love for music is bound by the painful memories of his mother and the piano. Love and pain are inextricable. His mother's love for him and for music were not enough to save her life. Again and again, in countless timelines, he plays out that same act of self-violence, throwing himself into the flames.

“I tried to imagine what was going on in YoonGi’s head. Once, I followed him secretly for hours. His footsteps were insecure and unpredictable. He staggered through the night streets and tried to fling himself into the fire. He sometimes squatted on the ground and listened to music that flowed out of somewhere inside an underground shopping arcade. … The suffering he must have endured, going from one extreme to the other, were beyond my imagination. All I could do was watch him stagger on.” — SeokJin, 2 May Year 22. The Notes 1.

Like TaeHyung, YoonGi attempts to hide the true depths of his despair from his group of friends: the wildly uncontrolled mood swings from fits of creative passion to destructive tendencies of alcoholism and self-harm. Though he finds a kindred spirit in JungKook, his own internal conflicts and fears repeatedly force him away when they get too close. When they are reunited physically at key moments throughout the BU narrative, he cannot bridge the emotional gap. YoonGi’s mother abandoned him to an inheritance of grief and mental health struggles, neither of which he is capable of working through alone. But he recognizes that his self-destructive habits spin out of control, and he does not want to inflict that pain upon others through their closeness.

“I turned my eyes away. I didn’t want to get involved in someone else’s life. I didn’t want to try to console someone who was lonely. I didn’t want to be important for someone. I wasn’t sure I could protect that someone till the end. I wasn’t confident I could stand by that someone till the end. I didn’t want to hurt that someone. I didn’t want to get hurt. It’s hard enough for us to try to save ourselves when the last moment comes, let alone someone else.” — YoonGi, 7 April Year 22. The Notes 1.

“‘Why didn’t you go see JungKook? Don’t you know what you mean to him?’ Of course I knew. Maybe that was why I couldn’t go into his room. I was distorted and thorny. Anyone who tried to come near me was bound to get hurt.

… I’d inflicted pain on others as I suffered greater pain. I looked away from their wounds. I didn’t want to take any responsibility. I didn’t want to get involved. That was who I was.” — YoonGi, 25 July Year 22. The Notes 1.

YoonGi is eventually driven to understand that he cannot survive alone. When he fears that he pushes away HoSeok, the “one who always pave[s] the way for [him] to come back no matter how far astray” he has gone (28 July Year 22, The Notes 1), for good this time, HoSeok later texts him privately to ask if he is okay. In between those two points of contact, YoonGi discovers a new purpose for living: completing the melody that has nearly driven him to madness, as it haunts him across many parallel timelines in tantalizing and ungraspable fragments.

“I completed the piece several days ago. I changed the version I sent to HoSeok a few more times. I gave it the title ‘Hope.’ To be honest, the title didn’t actually match the piece. It contained my fear, cowardice, and inferiority. It contained all the moments I tried to avoid, get away from, and reprimanded myself for. But I couldn’t think of any other word that could encompass it all.” — YoonGi, 30 August Year 22. The Notes 1.

In sharing this musical representation of his innermost self, YoonGi opens himself to vulnerability. This is a step forward in accepting the turmoil of his heart and allowing others inside to see his true self, too. It is particularly striking to see YoonGi, who has forbidden himself emotional proximity to others for so long, emerging from isolation to participate in ON’s candlelight service. Linking him to a community of children, rather than the solo partners of TaeHyung and JiMin, signifies his progress in growing beyond the shadows of his past and exploring new ways to manage his grief. Even the cuts to him alone in this sacred, ceremonial space reflect his development. He is not torn by anger or despair, but given to reflection. He does not stare obsessively into the flames, but instead gazes outward at a beam of sunlight. Despite the somber undertones, this scene in ON is one of the rare instances of YoonGi associated with fire in a positive light: not one of violence and self-destruction, but reflection and healing through the allowance of both private and shared grief.

Bonus: HoSeok + the bag girl

While all seven characters of the BU narrative are influenced by their pasts, the ones whose lives are most acutely shaped by the ongoing traumas and conflicts that are rooted in their youths are the characters reflected here: TaeHyung, JiMin, YoonGi. And, I am inclined to say at first pass, HoSeok. Like TaeHyung, he was abandoned by his mother, but this left him without any family and he was consigned to an orphanage. He carries the weight of his abandonment with him into adulthood, influencing multiple aspects of his health and manifesting an unconscious obsession with seeing his mother in other women.

So where is his child representation in the ON video? It is entirely plausible that another pairing included was not included for timing reasons. Another possible reason is that he has made considerable progress in his personal growth by the end of the Notes 1, and therefore the shackles of his past have loosened: he confesses to JiMin that his narcolepsy is fake (16 May Year 22, The Notes 1) and in later months recognizes the problematic nature of seeing his mother, whose face he can no longer remember, in other women in his life, strangers and friends alike.

That being said, the presence of the girl with the bright yellow bag in the shot of everyone looking beyond the wall (included in the first photoset) might be a coincidence… or it might be a small nod to the shoulder bag carried on tour by the real-life HoSeok and gifted to a fan during the New York Citi Field performance in October 2018. The one in ON is not red (although the girl standing next to her has one with red embellishments), but the yellow is a surprising pop of color amid the subdued color palette in the rest of the shot. She does not stand near HoSeok (although neither does the drummer boy near JiMin)... But perhaps, if we are inclined to read into it, we may find a dash of hope in the separation of this mother/child reference, as HoSeok gazes forward with the others at the opportunities and dreams promised by the future.

------------------------------------------------

If you made it this far, I sincerely thank you for coming on this little journey with me. Please do not repost this analysis on other platforms. If you have any questions, comments, or wild theories of your own… send them my way! I would love to hear from you. -- wings

Added Note: This was written before I read actress Rina Johnson’s statement about playing the role of Taehyung’s sister and prior to the release of the ON behind-the-scenes video.

32 notes · View notes

booksbluegurl · 14 days

Text

Day 14/100 days of Productivity

18th April, 2024

Academia

Watched half a lecture on Biotechnology. Love the way ma'am is teaching.

I read through lectures notes of lecture 3 and made notes from it. I didn't realise we could actually study like this. I was busting my ass trying to watch lectures which were 2 hours long, i got this done in 1 hour. And understood everything, lifesaverrrr.

I watched lectures on Dual Nature of matter and radiation from Khan academy but not all.

I read the notes from the Physics med easy book too.

Need to watch a lecture on Chemical Bonding.

Non Academia

Started watching a few video to revisit and revise the history of India. There is a lot of content but I don't know which one's the best. I really wanna know how people at different times in India lived. How they did thier everyday activities? How was the lower class, the upper class, etc? So many questions i have.

Day 4/20 days of April breaking the cycle

Really like this quote. And I believe this 'He' doesn't have to be some person, some man, I believe its everything else in our world. I often wondered that how can my world not revolve around me, just like your world revolves around yours. (I didn't understand the perspective of how people can act like my world also revolves around them but now I do.) But my world does revolve around me, and that's exactly what they're saying that someone else doesn't have to be and shouldn't be the Sun of your world. You are the Sun. You are your Sun.

-Tanishka.

Day 13

Day 15

Pictures from pinterest. Credit to the owners.

#studyblr #study aesthetic #study motivation #studying #100 days of productivity #20 days of april breaking the cycle #20 days of april breaking the cycle challenge #20doa🚲#desi academia #good luck ✨#light academia #study blog #productivity challenge #100dop #study #student life #romantisize study #studyblr community

38 notes · View notes

stingraystudiess · 21 days

Text

StudyLapse… 📝

Some physics (mostly calculations) 😣

Today I was just gonna do some good resting, but after a little while I got bored so thought why not do some studying! I honestly enjoyed it and am probs gonna do more 🤞🏽

This is also my attempt of the #20doa challenge by @thelastneuron (a very lazy attempt) but hopefully something that I can stick to.

20doa Day 1/20

Ok tysm for reading

Signing off~

StingrayStudies

#study blog #study aesthetic #studyblr #studyinspo #studyspo #student #study motivation #study #studylapse #studying #desi academia #desi studyblr #desi tumblr #desiblr #20 days of april breaking the cycle challenge #20doa

146 notes · View notes

straykidsupdate · 5 years

Text

Stray Kids Talk Songwriting, Career Goals and Their First U.S. Tour

“Authenticity” is a keyword thrown around a lot more often in K-pop these days. With crossover potential in the foreground, there’s more at stake when it comes to shaking the dismissive notion that it’s “manufactured.” Companies are investing more in idols — not just as performers, but as visionaries of their artistic direction. It just so happens Stray Kids have emerged as a rookie boy band challenging these preconceived notions.

This nine-member group hails from one of Korea’s “Big 3” music agencies, JYP Entertainment. They’ve only been around for a year, and they’ve already hit huge career milestones. After snagging several Rookie of the Year trophies at Korean award shows, they just won their first music show at M Countdown on April 4.

“When we won first place for the first time, we were so happy and thankful towards our Stay,” main rapper Han told Forbes, referring to the group’s fandom. “We thought to ourselves that we would need to work even harder now to show an even better side to our Stay. One memory we have from that day is when our win was first announced, Seungmin and I cried a lot.”

Part of what sets Stray Kids apart is their heightened emphasis on self-composition. While it’s increasingly common for idols to pen their own songs, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a Stray Kids track that doesn’t feature a member in the liner notes. They even have their own in-house songwriting team: 3RACHA, featuring members Bang Chan, Changbin, and Han.

“We’re given a lot of freedom,” said Bang Chan, the Aussie leader of the group. “It’s mostly what we want to speak. It is our lyrics and our melodies. So we would write all our songs. We finish a song, and we would show it to our big boss, JYP. And he would give feedback on it. And yeah, it’s beautiful teamwork.”

The fate of a K-pop group’s lineup is often pre-determined by top-down management, but Stray Kids are presented as having an unprecedented level of autonomy. Auteurship is in the details, from Bang Chan hand-picking the members to his handwriting forming the group’s logo.Their discography — which has rapidly grown since their March 2018 debut — is representative of K-pop’s genre agnosticism. One minute, they’ll throw a bit of rap-rock your way. Next, they’ll hit hard with a well-timed EDM drop. They excel at blood-pumping bangers like latest single “MIROH,” but they can get more pensive on songs like “Grow Up.” While they have built a sound around a razor-edged intensity, they still make room for playful and light-hearted fare like “Get Cool.”Despite the diversity of their catalogue, there’s always a few song components they have to keep in mind when constructing a track. “BPM is very important especially because we are the ones who are performing on stage,” said Bang Chan. “Another important factor is the song structure. In my opinion, the song structure represents the flow of the whole song, so depending on the mood of the song, the song structure is quite important.”He’s not kidding. Take their third single, “My Pace.” The flow is disjointed by plenty of vocal breaks, speeding up just as soon as it slows down again. It’s a delicate balancing act, the way they anchor the hooks while keeping the listener on their toes by switching up the rhythm. But this temporal shapeshifting has a larger purpose. It feels conceptually poignant on this track, where the lyrics explore the theme of going through life at your own speed.

“Honestly, having the opportunity to even write songs for the team is a great big honor,” the 21-year-old leader said. “But because we still have a long way to go, we hope to become songwriters who can inspire others and give energy and hope to people in need.”

Stray Kids are already off to an impressive start, wrapping up the three-EP I Am series in less than a year. The group threaded together a whole narrative cycle across the albums I Am Not, I Am Who, and I Am You. Their world-building began in the dystopian “District 9,” where they escaped authoritarian uniformity to forge their own paths.

I Am is fundamentally a bildungsroman brought to life by a group in their teens and early 20s, taking the listener on a journey to self-discovery. “The message of I Am Not is realizing that I don’t feel like myself,” Bang Chan previously explained during 3RACHA’s “pre-talk” with JYP. “I Am Who throws a question, ‘if I am not myself, who am I?’ As for I Am You, it sounds like we made a conclusion. But in fact, we have yet to find out about our identity.”

That lack of resolution makes sense because it reflects the group’s own transitional state of entering into both adulthood and celebrity status.

“While I was going through school, I would think, ‘What’s my dream? Do I really have to do this? My parents expect me to do this but is this what I want?’” Bang Chan said. “Honestly, I haven’t found the answer yet. I still don’t know who I am. But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who thinks like this, right? I just really want to reach out to people who are having the same problem like me — well, not problem. It’s not a problem, but I guess [people] who are going through the same thing. This is the reason we wanted to express that in the I Am series.”

Naturally, these themes also bleed into their follow-up album series, which kicked off with March’s Clé 1: MIROH. In particular, “19” — with lyrics solely written by 18-year-old Han — paints vignettes that dig deeper into his hesitations about entering adulthood.

But the connections between the I Am and Clé series go beyond shared thematic content. “In the music video for ‘I Am You,’ we were looking down at a maze-like city from the rooftop [in District 9],” Changbin said. “This city’s name is MIROH, and MIROH is our new world.”

Stray Kids are practically building their own cinematic universe, and their latest album teaser for Clé 2: Yellow Wood — which will be released on June 19 — could be mistaken for a movie trailer. Note that the setting is in an elevator, which brings to mind their pre-debut single, “Hellevator.” Visual callbacks to their previous work are part of the fabric of their ongoing narrative.

“It is a bit challenging,” said Bang Chan. “But when we write our songs, we do think about what we’ve written before and how we need to continue off of that and what we need to think about writing on next. It’s okay, it’s not that difficult. But we do need to think about [it].”

When they’re not dreaming up dystopian cities, they’re taking their tagline “Stray Kids everywhere, all around the world” seriously. Just last month, they headed out on their first U.S. tour, making sold-out stops in Newark, Houston, and Los Angeles. Come July, they’ll take their Unveil tour to Europe. “Through these stages and performances, we want to be able to show later on more people in more cities what we’re made of,” main dancer Hyunjin said.

On May 17, they played a show at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium that was simultaneously characterized by the sensory onslaught of their adrenaline-inducing performances and the vulnerable affability of their frequent ments, or speaking segments. Their raucous spin on K-pop maximalism literally left the 3,000-seat venue shook, as Stays rattled the balcony in their excitement.

But the nonet also made use of the relatively intimate space, placing more emphasis on fan engagement than your average concert. By the time the evening rolled around to their goodbye talk, the members had some heartfelt words for Stay. “I always read our Stays’ letters, and you guys are always afraid of the future,” Han said on stage. “I just want to tell you [to] believe in yourself and just don’t look back. We are on your side.” It was a moment that captured Stray Kids’ penchant for speaking about issues faced by young people.

“We’re always showing and sharing our own music,” the youngest member I.N said over the phone. “We want to be known as a group where we can give good emotions and influences to people around us.”

(source)

#stray kids #190606 #era: clé 1 miroh #t: article #forbes

137 notes · View notes

studentlulu · 5 years

Photo

Disclaimer: Everything that I have written about is completely true and happened to me within the 2017-2018 year. I wrote all of this as not only a way of coping with what has happened to me, but to come to terms with and helping me understand the difficulties and challenges I went through in the past two years. I did not do this because I sought attention or for any other self-serving narcissistic purposes. If you have read through this completely and have any questions for me or want to learn more, please feel free to personally message me and I will answer your questions to the best of my ability. In addition, after you have read this through, if you feel like commenting, please leave only positive comments. Please refrain from leaving any negative comments.

My journey to college graduation has been a long and difficult one, full of twists, turns, and bumps along the way. I entered into the University of California Irvine (UCI) as a Freshman in Sept. 2014 and fully intended to finish in Jun. 2018. That would have been the plan if things had worked out perfectly well. However, as we all know, things never go perfectly well, especially not with life.

Sure enough, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer in spring during my junior year in 2017. It was devastating news beyond comprehension. I was so scared. I was only 20! There were so much things I wanted to do! I want to explore the world and I even planned to study abroad in Singapore that year! I want to eat different cuisines from around the world! I want to do so much more! Now with this news, all of this has abruptly stopped! Everything became dire uncertainty. What do I do? Do I have tomorrow? How long? How do I tell everyone? Who do I tell? Most of all, how do I cope? My mind went ballistic! My family was by my side when I found out, and we promised that we would get through this together.

We discussed treatment options with my doctors and decided that I should go through one round of chemo, surgery, recovery, and then one final round of chemo. Each chemo round was four appointments and would require me to come to UCSF Medical Center. Due to the rigorous treatment plan, it was decided that I would have to postpone school till I finished treatment and recovery. It was a very difficult decision, but it was the only way to deal with the condition. So, I contacted the Bio Sci School of Affairs Office and told them about my predicament, and requested to postpone my education and enrollment until further notice. Thankfully, they were quite understanding and informed me that they would readmit me back to school whenever I was ready.

Chemotherapy left me tired, nauseous, moody, and grumpy. It also left me very cold-sensitive and UV-sensitive. Starting with my second infusion of chemotherapy, my hair fell out. I slowly became bald and I hated my look. I loathed the fact of losing my stomach even more! I love food! Without my stomach, how can I eat? What can I eat? How can I go to school or go on with life without my stomach? Of course, not to mention the unimaginable constant need of going to toilet! After the pre-surgery chemo was done, I then had the surgery to remove my stomach in early October 2017. I was hospitalized for more than two weeks for that procedure. Recovery from surgery was extremely difficult. I was not allowed to eat what I wanted nor as much. I had to mentally force myself to ignore my hunger feelings as my brain needed time to adjust to the fact that there is no stomach to store food. I had to eat ¼ the portion of a normal adult meal. This proved to be arduous because I love food and love to eat. In fact, when I was healthy, I could eat as many portions as I wanted and sometimes, I would finish others’ leftovers. Wasting food is a crime, I believed that. In addition, in Chinese culture, it was considered respectful and a sign of appreciation to be able to eat as many portions as you could. I couldn’t do that anymore with a smaller stomach size. What if others who did not know about my condition became misinformed and thought I was eating less and being disrespectful? With this new body, I totally resented the fact that I could no longer eat as much because I equated it as I would no longer able to enjoy food! Recovery was very painful; and I hated the “heathy” but very bland food that I had to eat. What is there to look forward to when I could not even enjoy the most basic thing in life: eating? Life seemed bleaker at every moment passed. Only the constant encouragements from parents and others kept me going, but barely without passion.

Another chemotherapy soon went underway after surgery. This time around, my physical reactions were worse, and my mental stage sunk even lower. I developed dry heaving. I could not stop scratching my skin, I was extremely tired and fatigued, sometimes unwilling to leave the bed, and there were times I did not want to take in or even eat food because the mere sight of it made me ill. Then, on Dec. 19, 2017, during what was supposed to be my second fusion of chemotherapy during my final round of chemo regiment, something went terribly wrong. I went into anaphylactic shock due to negative reactions to chemotherapy. I could hear my younger brother (chemo treatment center only allowed one relative staying with patient) franticly calling me, and I could barely hear my nurse called out “Code Blue” before I lost consciousness on the treatment chair! When I faintly regained my consciousness, I felt heavy stuff on my chest. I believed that it must had been my unconscious will to live that kept me alive. Or perhaps the prayers from parents and my families had kept me alive. Or perhaps it was not my time to die yet.

I was extremely fortunate that I was under the care of the world-class doctors, nurses, and other medical professions at UCSF Medical Center, because they revived and saved me. I woke up in the emergency unit after 4:30 pm with my parents on my bedside. I had been out for at least six hours. I wound up staying in the hospital for observations and treatments for two days. IV chemo treatment was discontinued after that; and the doctors prescribe another form of chemo treatment for me.

I went back to school after completing treatment during spring break in April 2018. I wanted to go back to school so badly for a change of venue and for a more “hopeful” environment. A familiar place where I thought I had better control of life. After all, I had been in a school environment all my life. Ironically, as I started back to school, it was ending for many others. As everyone else was enjoying their spring breaks, I was slowly readjusting back to school. It felt weird to be returning to school towards the end of the quarter. School was so quite. I got new roommates who were very friendly though. For that, I was grateful for their kindness.

I found it very hard to stay off social media and see everyone else’s progress. I was supposed to be part of the graduating class of 2018 that quarter, but I couldn’t. Facebook was the worst place because many of my classmates and friends were posting their graduation pictures. I would read their posts or look them over and I would feel terribly inadequate afterwards because I was not to part of that graduating class which I had set my heart and my mind to be a part of. I felt like a big failure. I failed! That was the only two words that occupied my mind. I fell into darkness.

To prevent myself from feeling worse I tried my best to stay as far away social media as I could. I would call and text my parents, often in tears, asking whether I could have done better or been better to graduate on time like everyone else. They would often reassure me that I had (a) done my very best, (b) that everyone finishes college at their own pace, (c) there’s no rule saying that I had to finish college in four years, (d) that I went through something extraordinary that most people could not comprehend, and (e) that I could reach out to medical professions or my trusted relatives or friends to seek their opinions. To my parents, I stood up to cancer and I won! Such accomplishment and my life are worth every bit of celebration! I should be very proud of what I went through and had achieved. Sometimes their comforts worked and made me feel better; but more often they did not because I felt that my parents were not me and could never understand what I had gone through. Talking to my therapist and sometimes my cousin D (who was also a licensed therapist) temporarily helped me to sort through my feelings, as it seemed to be a safe place to open up and freely express myself emotionally.

However, no matter what, I still had to live with my new physical form. I hated this new me: missing organ, patched up body, and no amount of time would ever restore it!

Summer rolled in. It was much worse for me than spring. During the summer I was trying to find employment while living on my own. The long periods of unemployment dragged me down to spiral back into the same emotional depression I faced in spring. I started to question my self-worth and believed that because I did not finish school on time, I was stuck here as a failure, forced to finish school late, or attempted to finish school now, while my classmates graduated and moved on with their lives. I was stuck in a negative emotional spiral; and the worst part of it was that it was self-inflicted. At that time, I didn’t see it, and couldn’t get myself out of it. It was a negative self-hatred cycle, one that I found comforting and validating in its own twisted sort of way because it was the one thing that was being truthful to me in my life. I felt that everyone else, including my mom, stepdad, cousins, and friends, knew nothing about what I had gone through personally. I felt like they did not truly mean what they said about being proud of me and loving me. Even worse, I had forgotten what a champion and fighter I had felt like completing chemo and cancer treatments. What I had gone through no longer felt like an accomplishment worth celebrating, but a laborious task that anyone could have done or gone through. It was no longer impressive. Instead of saying to myself, You went through something terrible and came out of it a stronger person, I found myself saying instead, So what you went through chemotherapy and finished your cancer treatment? Thousands of people do that every day. You’re nothing special. YOU’RE not special but a failure!

The negative self-hate caused me to cut off contact with loved ones, even my immediate family. My mother tried very hard to keep contacting me and was concerned for my well-being. Once, when she called me to ask me why I hadn’t spoken to her in a long time, I finally managed to choke out, “I don’t want to talk to you because I’m angry and I hate myself, mommy. I hate myself and want to end it! I don’t want to talk to you about it or let you know. You would never understand!” My mother would respond, “Your feelings are always yours and no one can truly feel exactly. However, please note that you are loved and not alone. We are here for you, always! Just let anyone know that you are around or reach out to anyone you trust. That’s okay. You had been so brave to go through so much in your young life. Every bit of your life is worth in solid gold!” Of course, I could not listen to her. I cut her off and took her out of my contacts. That’s how deep I was in my own dark world! Without me knowing it, Mom never gave up on me and had clever ways to send encouraging words to me. Today, in my clear conscience, I cannot imagine the amount of anguish my mother must had in hearing her own daughter said she hated herself.

I ceased having social interactions with others because I did not want to be around others who, I saw and viewed, as not supporting me and my thoughts. The few times I did speak with others I sometimes got into emotional outbursts. I wound up treating my mom and others as emotional punching bags, venting out my angers or more negative emotions on them. At times, I would even text them to tell them that I found life unbearable and not worth living, and that I wanted to end my life. My behaviors were so reckless but I was not in the right mindset to realize them. I was in such a deep depression stage and only focusing on all the terrible things. I learned later that my suicidal threats made my mother go into emotional breakdowns and become physically ill. God, what hell I had put my mom through! I regret such awful behaviors! If only I knew what I know now. I am sorry.

What finally pulled me out of that negative spiral for good was my witness in person to my mom’s unconditional love. In September 2018, I came home for my follow-up doctors’ appointments. My parents sat me down and had a heart-to-heart talk with me. We talked about things and addressed my negative spiraling emotions. My mother looked me in the eye and told me that she could not believe what I had said or even considered giving up on living. “Life is precious,” she said, “please take good care of it, and always carry a grateful heart!” Especially since my dad went through the same thing and so much worse, yet he never gave up and fought to the end. He was a true fighter. In addition, my mother’s boss has a daughter, in my age, who went through the same thing, but she never gave up. In fact, she was now in Africa doing volunteer work. As we talked, I learned of the efforts my mom and stepdad made behind the scenes to keep me well. I could see and feel mom’s passions for life and for me as she held back her tears. I saw for the first time in person how my actions and words had deeply hurt her. I could see how much my life meant to her, and I will always be precious to her and a part of her. I could see how I had misunderstood my parents. My struggles were their struggles, plus much more. I’m a survivor and indeed I should be proud of it!

I decided that it was time to change. I changed how I saw things and decided that I would only focusing on positive thoughts instead. I changed my perceptions of my new body. I shifted my focus on the bad things happened to me to how I can use my story to inspire others. I changed my mindset about future outlook of my life. God has given me many chances to live, that’s got to mean something. I am intended to find my purpose in life. I will keep trying my best and never give up.

It’s been two years since the initial diagnosis and over a year since I finished treatment. I haven’t shared my story publicly until now because of many reasons, but mostly fear of criticism from others. However, it is my life, and it is my story. As time passes, I have gained more confidence and strength in myself. More importantly, I am here today because I have so many giants standing behind and supporting me. I owe it to them, all of those unsung heroes, to share my story as an upcoming UCI Class of 2019 graduate. And no, I did not graduate late, I graduated just right on time.

Acknowledgement and Thanks: I would like to thank my mom, stepdad, brother, and both sides of my family for their love and support during the difficult times in my life. I would also like to thank Dr. Korn, Dr. Nakakura, Ms. Renee Wang, Nurse Lana Taran, Dr. Jaime Cohen, and the rest of the medical teams and staff at UCSF Mission Bay Hospital. You are literally my life-savers! At UCI, I would like to thank the Bio Sci Student Affairs Office for being very understanding of my situation, allowing me to take time off to recover, and allowing me to re-enroll again after I regained my health. Thanks to Mr. Cheng Ko at the DSC Office for registering me with important resources on campus, as well as helping me get reacquainted and readjusted with school after I returned. Thanks to Ms. Sheena Danesh for helping me find important resources to use when I first got diagnosed, such as the DSC, and when I returned to school. Also, thank you for helping me with the multiple doctors’ appointments that I had to attend. I would also like to thank Ms. Adelí Duron and Jane Killer at the VSC for their support and understanding, as well as answering any questions I had about financial aid. I would also like to thank Dr. Eldridge and the UCI Counseling Center for seeing me for the past two years since my diagnosis and upon return from treatments. Thank you for providing me with a safe and secure place for opening up emotionally and tools to deal with my stress. Finally, to the countless unnamed friends, people, and others along the way who helped me or motivated me along the way. I could not have gone through this alone.

Thank you so much.

Love,

LuLu

51 notes · View notes

groovnuke · 4 years

Text

Remembering Kobe Bryant and Nipsey Hussle: Two men that embodied their mentality to the fullest.

By: Jimmie Sykes

A quote that always comes to mind when I think of leaders is a famous one by Frederick Douglass.

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

I started to wonder how to fathom the loss of two men that carried the strength to build and repair. The loss of two fathers that shared that light of being a role model with the public.

We all know not every good father is able to be represented in the limelight, but knowing how well Kobe Bryant and Nipsey Hussle took care of their families sparked encouragement for the image of black men’s position in the black family. This position was lost in tragedy, spoiling the fascination of precious time with untimely death (as we see here unfortunately). This cycle of high-profile losses sent shock waves through not only community, but the world.

In the end, families are left in heartbreak following the abrupt loss of a father. What lives on is how these men impacted the lives of their families and tirelessly they worked to changed their lives for better. In transition, only a charisma that endured the fruits of what will continue like everlasting labor was set free.

Kobe Bryant and Nipsey Hussle held a mentality and image that were larger than life that allowed them to embody the shell that hosts a spirit much larger. One of one mentalities that were only suited for them. It helped them embellish tough obstacles in front of them, and make it look as less of a challenge as possible. That’s what set admiration sky high for these two.

Kobe’s life came to a tragic end at the age of 41, in a helicopter accident including his 13-year-old daughter Gianna Bryant---along with seven others in Calabasas, California.

youtube

Embodying a mentality to radiate someone that inspired many. The “repairing” of strong children is the time and devotion that was placed in to a better tomorrow provided by these two men. Kobe was only 17 when he was drafted to the NBA.

Fans knew it was a privilege to see Kobe accomplish everything he did in his 20-year career--all with the Los Angeles Lakers. He’s won five NBA titles, made 15 All-Star game appearances, former MVP of the league, and just flat out domination along with several other accomplishments.

After basketball, Kobe won an Academy Award for his short film “Dear Basketball”. The narrated illustration helped demonstrate how above and beyond his love for the game went. Life after basketball just felt even more promising as his 20-year career. He was active in coaching, supportive of the present and future of the WNBA--just knowing that his late young daughter Gianna “Gigi” Bryant was well on her way to a career.

Kobe mentored, challenged and trained with many active players such as Kyrie Irving, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Devin Booker, and more. Kobe’s game has been highlighted in their exhibition display. Kobe even went on record speaking on the type of bond he shared with current Nets point guard Kyrie Irving. When hearing the news about Kobe’s passing, Irving left the arena before the matchup with the Knicks.

Below is Nipsey Hussle speaking out on STEM programs in curriculum and investing in local entrepreneurs. On a much larger scale, advancement of technology will open up more jobs that will require science and math abilities.

According to U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the Fastest Growing Occupations chart projects that majority of the jobs listed on the chart with require science and math skills. The advancement of those skills can be ushered in with access to STEM schools that will shape preparation for the men and women of tomorrow in the labor field.

Proper investments in to his local community of Los Angeles provides a better chance into these schools that can potentially alleviate a heavy layer off poverty. Providing the necessary education that can land more people from inner-city communities with a chance for a high salary career. No dreams were sold to the ones reaping the benefits of Nipsey’s work ethic, he just went towards the unbelievable and made it count towards something.

youtube

The “fixing” empowered these two to grace and inspire millions across the world. The transparency that they allowed to draw a curtain, opening towards their mentality. Take note of the resilience that throttled Kobe Bryant’s and former Laker Lamar Odom’s friendship.

Odom laid it all on the line in his latest Instagram post honoring Kobe’s life. Look at how Kobe and Shaq, good friends and 3x NBA champions during their time with the Lakers together, found common ground once again. Not calling these two broken men but more so reflecting on how put together you must be to elevate towards peace. At Odom’s lowest point, Kobe left a preseason game to see about his good friend. Things like that help you understand what it truly means to be there for somebody.

People mourned in front of Nipsey’s “The Marathon Clothing Store” for multiple days and nights following his death. On that same block, Nipsey hustled and made a way to propel his dreams. Never leaving his community to turn the same block where he tangoed with his vices into luxury. That was royalty in the flesh hailing as Nipsey Hussle.

He employed many people from the community, generated revenue, and held things intact within a community. His debut album Victory Lap blossomed as a token for the work he put towards his brand. In 2018, it was dubbed as one of the better albums of the year, even went as far as a Grammy nomination for the Best Rap Album in 2019.

Everything they’ve earned while here stopped at and balanced at the crossroads. Hussle posthumously earned his first platinum album and Grammy in January 2020, almost two years after Victory Lap. The Grammy came for Best Rap Performance with the track ‘Racks In the Middle’, featuring Hit-Boy and Roddy Ricch. Kobe Bryant, who’s eligible for the Naismith Memorial Hall of Fame this year, will also be awarded with a posthumous honor.

In real-time, the world lost two fathers and men that generated value in their respective Los Angeles community. Kobe’s last game set a merchandise record with $1.2 million worth of memorabilia sold on that day in April 2016 in the Staples Center. The summary of the dollar signs generated by these two while they were here can’t amount to the priceless value of what was instilled in friends, family, and millions of followers.

Kobe mentored many with his mentality, often breaking down the game in such a crisp effort that even non-athletes can interpret. That same mindset that a non-athlete can embody. Just a few days before Kobe passed, I checked out his book in the library. The Mamba Mentality: How I Play allowed a capture of Kobe’s career highlights and mindset during his journey all in one. One of my favorite quotes I gravitated towards was:

“The mindset isn’t about seeking a result. It’s more about the process of getting to that result. It’s about the journey and the approach. It’s a way of life. I do think that it’s important, in all endeavors, to have that mentality.”

“The Marathon Continues” and “Mamba Mentality” are two motivated brands that were engineered to inspired through that extra step. Rest in peace to Kobe and Gianna Bryant, and the seven other victim involved in the tragic accident in Calabasas. Rest in peace to Nipsey Hussle.

#kobe bryant #nipsey hu$$le #dear basketball #gigi bryant #the marathon continues #mambamentality #mambaout #grammys #stemforkids #los angeles #slauson #staples center #hussle and motivate #victory lap #academy awards #kyrie irving #devin booker #giannis antetokounmpo #calabasas

1 note · View note