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mbti-notes · 3 years

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Anon wrote: Hey. I'm INFJ. I want to ask about relationship problems. The relationship in question is between my ESTJ mother and I. Generally, I would describe our relationship as close and loving, but there is a conflict, and that came from our opposite ideology and political beliefs.

I want to say before continuing that we are neither American or European, so our ideology and politics shouldn't be understood from the "western" side of things, though to simplify by comparison, my views could be described as leftist and my mother's as conservative. I should also add that I used to hold her worldview when I was younger, but changed once I was old enough to form an opinion of my own. This caused my mother to imply many times in our discussions that I am "brainwashed" and dismiss me as "too young" and "too ideological". I should add that the latter (ideological) is a valid criticism. Still working on that.

Otherwise, I often tried to persuade, then later find middle ground with her, to no avail. We ended up arguing many times, until we decided to not talk politics with each other anymore. So, what's the problem, you might ask.

Recently, the political climate in my country got intense. Heated, even. I won't go into details, but there are protests again the government by young liberals/leftists-equivalent of my country. Many of my good acquaintances joined the protest. The government used police force against them, and it got violent. There are young unarmed protestors who were teargassed, beaten, and shot with rubber bullets and high velocity water jets. Some protestors were heavily injured. Some protestors were arrested and incarcerated in horrible conditions. My mother and I agreed to not speak about politics, so I said nothing.

Until my mother, right infront of me, with another family member, openly mocked the protestors, made judgments about them based on the goverment's propaganda, called them a nuisance, and implied that they "deserved it". It's not about her discussing it, but it's about how unempathetic she was when she said those things, towards those young people my age, with similar ideology to me, and how apathetic she was when she said that "nothing's going to change anyway". It was the first time that I saw my mother in that angle, the complete lack of humanity in her words. It still haunts me until now.

So my question to you is, how does one deal with that? I love my mother, I think I always will. I also know that she loves me, or at least the part of me that's still her child. But for a moment, I loved her less, and that frightened me. I began to wonder, what would happen one day if we have to actually take sides, because things are getting worse in my country, not better. This adds to other issues I have in my life and made me more depressed. A part of me tells me that I should tell her about how I feel, but how do you tell someone you love that they're one of the reasons for your sadness?

I'm sorry if this is stupid. I'm sure that this feeling I have is one-sided, and I wonder if I'm being selfish or ungrateful. Maybe it's because I'm too sensitive these days, so I thought if I have an outside neutral opinion, it will help illuminate my clouded mind. Thank you. I hope you had a good summer break!

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The sentence that sticks out at me the most is: "It was the first time that I saw my mother in that angle, the complete lack of humanity in her words." I would argue that the problem doesn't lie with her. In fact, nothing about your mother had changed. She was still the same woman as before she uttered those words. The issue arises from your perception of her and the standards by which you evaluate her.

I follow world affairs very closely, so I think I know which region you are speaking of. One of the biggest problems in the manner that people think and talk about politics is the tendency to stereotype. Stereotyping is basically a form of cognitive oversimplification. It makes your thinking ability fast but also very dull and blunt, unable to understand situations with the nuance and sophistication that is required for good judgment and decision making.

It doesn't matter which country/culture you are from, there is always some variation of "right versus left". Why? Because in every society, there will always exist an underlying tension between those who don't want change and those who do. You may label these two opposing forces as right vs left, conservative vs liberal, regressive vs progressive, etc, but the fact of the matter is that these labels are gross oversimplifications of people's political belief systems.

When you divide people along an oversimplified dichotomy, it's too easy to stereotype them, in terms of believing that all people on each "side" hold all the same beliefs and values. Stereotyping goes along with the natural tendency of humans to be tribal. You start to view those on your side as being intellectually and morally superior to those on the other side. This leads to dehumanization and even demonization of the other side. In essence, you lose the ability to empathize with people, as long as you believe that they aren't on your side or the "right" side.

It seems that your political thinking has become too stark due to how extreme the situation has become. You have the feeling of fighting for your life because of the way that the situation has been handled by authorities, as they are indeed putting people's lives in danger. Your feelings about the situation are completely valid. But you fail to recognize that your mom's feelings about the situation are also valid. Certainly, there are hard-core fundamentalists and extremists out there that you can never reach because their beliefs and values are not based in any form of reason. However, I don't think your mom fits into that category, does she?

Do you know what it means to have no humanity? You are accusing her of something like psychopathy. Is that really true of her? I don't think so. She said: "nothing's going to change anyway". I don't consider this an expression of "apathy", as you assume. This is an expression of hopelessness. In that sentence, there is a real possibility that your mom is sympathetic at heart, but she disagrees that the chaotic actions of the protestors (i.e. the method) will lead to any meaningful change... and she may be absolutely right about that.

You haven't grasped the nuances of your mom's beliefs and values because your mindset has been so hardened by the extreme nature of the political conflict. This means that, when you engage in political discussion with her, you are unable to: 1) acknowledge how she feels, 2) acknowledge that there is some reason/merit/validity behind her beliefs, and 3) be open-minded enough to meet her halfway.

Put another way: If you met someone who wouldn't acknowledge your feelings as valid, dismissed all of your beliefs and values as completely wrong without proper investigation, and only sought to "convert" you, would you want to communicate with them? Probably not. This is the unproductive attitude that you now both bring to the table. This is the divisive attitude that arises when a conflict becomes too polarized and everyone is forced to "choose a side".

Unless one of you learns to listen and communicate more effectively, what will change? You say that you have tried to find middle ground with her but always end up arguing. Not finding middle ground is one thing, but getting caught up in interpersonal drama is a whole other thing. The option to amicably agree to disagree is always available. If you genuinely respect someone and respect their freedom to form their own beliefs, it shouldn't be hard to agree to disagree. Why do you find it so difficult to let her be her? Ultimately, you're not really interested in "middle ground"? You just want her agreement? Getting caught up in arguments all the time, especially on a recurring basis, indicates poor communication skills that stem from a troubling lack of objectivity. The more you argue with the intent to shame/change the other person, the more you push them away from your side, and the more myopic you get in your own beliefs.

You seem to have fallen into the trap of categorizing her into the tribe that you view as the enemy of your tribe, namely, the authorities that are cracking down on you young protestors. You've started to view her as the enemy, now you can't empathize with her, and even accuse her of having no humanity. You now consider yourself morally superior to her. If there is any possibility that she could be your ally, you've slammed the door on it.

You describe a very dire and desperate political situation that affects everyone, BUT, it doesn't affect everyone the same way. Different people have very different ways of dealing with intense emotions like fear, insecurity, grief, despair, helplessness, etc. Due to inferior Fi, ESTJs have extremely low tolerance for intense and uncontrollable emotions. Remember that one's ability to utilize the inferior function is not much better than a young child. If ESTJs can't neutralize or deflect their sense of powerlessness quickly, the burden of the emotions will quickly destroy them. I don't think you've really understood the thought process behind your mom's words and what is really motivating her "apathy".

Just because someone doesn't agree with your methods, doesn't mean that they don't have anything in common with you. Politics isn't just about good vs evil, as in, if you don't stand up for good, then you are evil. Everyone has their own way of looking at the situation because everyone has their own interests to take care of first and foremost, and everyone has their own ideas about the best methods to pursue. This is true for both you and your mom. It is possible to agree on beliefs but disagree on methods. For example, I'm assuming that you care about this cause so deeply because you care about your future. Sure, your ideas about the future differ from hers. But, certainly, you are both interested in securing your future, aren't you?

History has shown us that young people are always more willing to fight for causes because: 1) they would suffer less immediate material loss than the elder generation, 2) they have fewer life responsibilities, obligations, and commitments to take into consideration, and 3) their lack of life experience sometimes makes their thinking too simplistic when visualizing future implications.

Your interests aren't fully aligned with your mom's in this situation, perhaps because you are from different generations. However, this doesn't mean that your interests don't align in other important ways. At the end of the day, your mom is probably deathly afraid of seeing YOU on the news being beaten to a pulp and disappeared by the police, right? And it may be the case that she's passing harsh judgment on the protestors because she's trying to discourage you from meeting their horrible fate? That's hardly lack of humanity.

To be a good critical thinker, you need to learn to be more objective. Objectivity means understanding all aspects of the situation, or as many as you can manage. Objectivity and empathy often go hand-in-hand. You won't be able to empathize well unless you acknowledge that there might be some aspects of the situation that you're not seeing or understanding. When you take more time to get to the bottom of someone's thought process and why they really feel the way they do, you will discover all sorts of openings to influence their political beliefs in a friendly way. But when you can't even acknowledge that the other side might have an important point to be made, because you are so hardened in your stance, you've created a dead end for yourself.

#politics #empathy #emotional intelligence #debate #disagreement #conflict #infj #infj relationships #communication #ask

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xoruffitup · 3 years

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Sexuality In Neon Genesis Evangelion: Adolescence & Violence

(I’m literally 20 years late to the party here, but if anyone still cares for NGE metas, this hasn’t left me alone...!)

It takes only a few episodes into NGE to sense there’s some form of unrest beneath its surface. A palpable sense of unease and malcontent shadows the characters, seeping into the bleak cityscapes and following Shinji’s listless drift from one battle to the next - creating the unrelenting sense that this show has no intention to coddle or comfort you. Much will not be explained, or even directly addressed. Most of that unease you’re feeling as a viewer will be left for you yourself to decipher – probably in a manner uncomfortably and bracingly personal. I would call this a mark of artistry, in that the viewing experience becomes something deeply intimate and unique from person to person.

The obvious narrative explanation for all this dark ambiguity is the evocation of Shinji’s troubled psychological state. He mopes in his dark bedroom, rides the train alone with his headphones in and no destination, and accepts the role of Eva pilot only when his refusal would make him feel yet more despised. He is utterly directionless and thus helpless – caught in a paralysis between his pathological need for external affirmation and his crippling fear of being hurt. He craves kindness and care from others, but is both unwilling and unable to forge such positive connections with others because he presupposes doing so will cause pain. Therefore, he makes few self-motivated choices and rebukes all notion of the driven, intentional protagonist.

Shinji’s rejection of the traditional mantle of the hero’s journey, and his repeated regression into unassertive self-hatred also signals an unorthodox approach to storytelling - where the narrative flows around the inhibited, apathetic characters rather than through them. We as the viewers do not become invested in the narrative progression as an extension of Shinji’s own investment. Rather, a central part of the narrative becomes the self-aware exploration of its own impact upon Shinji and the wider cast of characters. Shinji, Rei, Asuka, and to a certain degree Misato and Ritsuko, do not determine the narrative direction through their own choices and thereby set events in motion; they are instead passive, reactionary presences drawn along by the provocations of seemingly inevitable series of events. (Angels attack – characters respond; Gendo or Seele give some unexplained order – characters react; Instrumentality begins – Shinji reacts)

As the curtain is finally drawn back from the human instrumentality project in the show’s final act, we realize Shinji was not simply whiny or poorly-written: His constant struggle between the fear of pain and need for intimacy is in fact the defining tension of the show as a whole. The “Hedgehog’s Dilemma.” This dilemma saturates each character’s personal trauma, fears, and desires, and finally elevates the characters’ internal reckoning in the face of instrumentality to create the show’s climax.

The show’s indirect yet masterful depiction of Shinji’s depression and undefined malaise is, in fact, keenly intentional and central to the story’s purpose. In a show defined by endlessly rich even if agonizing ambiguities and a narrative style that reveals itself only in subtlety, no minor detail is inconsequential. And so, I repeatedly found myself trying to discern the purpose of a recurring element that could be neither accidental nor innocuous. I am referring now to the show’s consistent and blatant preoccupation with the sexualization of its (female) characters and the infusion of sexuality into inter-character relationships.

The sexualizing and/or objectifying gaze is applied far too often to be anything but an intentional layer generating narrative meaning. In a show that elegantly weaves together psychological, religious, ethical, and technological allusions to construct a cutting inspection of the human psyche, this preoccupation is not a mere trope or “fanservice.” The recurrent reference to characters’ sexuality and their depiction as sexual objects cannot be a neutral or peripheral element of narrative meaning. Beyond the impossibility of this element being unintentional or divorced from the show’s narrative purpose, we are also obliged to make ourselves aware of the gendered lens through which this depiction of sexuality is filtered, and the power balance or imbalance this depiction enforces upon the characters involved. Consistent nudity to the point of fetishism and sexual inferences to the point of defining character cease to be superficial and become something pernicious.

Below, I will explore two different frameworks through which to interpret the show’s sexual overtones. The first framework – adolescence and the fear of adulthood – aligns with my initial response to the anime, while the second framework – sexual violence –reflects my more troubled response to the End of Evangelion film.

Framework 1: Shinji’s Adolescent Fears of Adulthood and Intimacy

Lest we forget, Shinji is only the tender age of 14. His internal struggle with self-worth and identity is exacerbated by its intersection with puberty and Shinji’s fraught understanding of his own budding sexuality. Shinji’s characterization of being highly dependent on the guidance and praise of his elders highlights both his adolescence and his own inability to confront his growth to adulthood. His unwillingness to navigate the perils of adulthood (as well as its corresponding sexual relationships) is probably evoked most clearly in his Episode 18 conversation with Kaji. After Kaji opines on men and women’s inability to understand each other – let alone themselves – Shinji merely replies dismissively, “I don’t understand adults at all.”

Given his 14-year-old perception of adulthood as something impenetrably mystical, it follows that his own budding sexuality acts as both a source of anxiety and a central aspect of his journey through adolescence. The often discussed parallels between Shinji’s relationship with Asuka and Misato’s relationship with Kaji further cements sex as something firmly belonging to adulthood; just as Asuka’s eagerness to present herself as sexually mature reflects her desire to appear independent and “grown.”

Coming to terms with one’s sexuality is of course a commonplace metaphor for the development from adolescence to adulthood. However, the characters’ understanding and comfort with their own sexualities also plays a key role in their internal reckonings and decisions which occur within instrumentality.

During his moments of metaphysical introspection, Shinji’s confrontation with his deepest fears repeatedly presents itself in the form of sexual temptation. We see him translate this need for external validation into unconscious sexualization and desire for the women around him. While fused with Unit 1 in Episode 20, Shinji is questioned by imagined specters of Misato, Rei, and Asuka. He reaches his breaking point when, after admitting he only pilots the Eva in hope of earning others’ praise, he cries out for someone to take care of him. After pleading, “someone be kind to me,” all three women appear to him naked, asking repeatedly, “Don’t you want to become one with me? In body and in soul?” In this imagined ordeal of self-examination, Shinji’s deepest, most fundamental need for approval and warmth from others is coded into the prospect of understanding and intimacy associated with sex. At a subconscious level, he perceives the offering of sexual union as the highest form of acceptance. Shinji therefore feels varying degrees of conflicted, guilt-ridden desire for the women around him, in the most primal form of his craving for acceptance.

In this scene, the offering of sexual intercourse is also a direct foreshadowing to the prospect of union with all during instrumentality, and either the acceptance or rejection of that union. In End of Evangelion, Shinji’s crucial choice during instrumentality is again presented in the same terms: Asuka, Rei, and Misato’s voices all asking “Do you want to become one with me, body and soul?” Shinji’s mix of attraction and repellence (for he fears intimacy as intensely as he craves it) when confronting this question indirectly depicts his struggle to decide between a solitary but self-defined existence, and the sacrifice of his autonomous self to total union. Thus, Shinji’s repressed desire for sexual intimacy becomes in and of itself a key facet of both his decision to ultimately reject instrumentality, and his conclusive creation of an independent and capable identity.

In line with my earlier reference to Asuka’s desire to appear sexually mature, the anime consistently uses sexuality as a means of revealing character - often probing at characters’ deepest vulnerabilities. Misato is likely the most direct example. It is through her sexual relationship with Kaji that she confronts her conflicted feelings towards her father and their profound impact on her. During instrumentality, she also admits she enjoys sex as an escape mechanism from pain and a way to prove she’s alive. She seems to perceive sex in the opposite perspective from Shinji – who on some level finds it threatening. This could be attributed firstly to Misato’s maturity in age and correlating comfort with her own sexuality. Secondly, this speaks to the show’s use of sexuality to build character in ways beyond Shinji’s troubled adolescent shame. The show’s focus on its characters’ sexuality can therefore be viewed as a means of prying into the inner conflicts they each seek to hide from the world. Note it is also through the reveal of Ritsuko’s sexual involvement with Gendo that we understand the reasons for her troubled relationship with her mother, her dedication to NERV, and her knowledge of its secrets.

Though sexuality is used as a sometimes literal, sometimes symbolic, but often effective vehicle to portray abstract concepts and internal, non-physical conflicts, this does not fully explain or justify the show’s gratuitous use of the male gaze. Though the depiction of sexuality often serves the purpose of character development, this depiction is exceedingly gendered. Though Shinji is shown naked, his nudity serves comedic effect (when he runs out from the bathroom in Misato’s apartment in Episode 2) or appears highly stylized (embracing Rei’s equally naked form in End of Evangelion). By contrast, Rei and Asuka’s bodies practically serve as set pieces. The pilot suits and contrived “camera” angles incessantly present their bodies as aesthetic objects for consumption.

Furthermore, early appearances by both female characters immediately define them as objects of sexual focus. The first time she appears, Asuka tells off Toji for looking up her skirt; Shinji ends up sprawled on top of Rei when she’s naked while first trying to get to know her in Episode 5. If we apply the interpretive framework of sexuality as a means of navigating adolescence, then it is exclusively Shinji’s journey towards adulthood with which the show shares its perspective and identification. It would therefore follow that Rei and Asuka serve merely as signposts or attractive obstacles along the path of Shinji’s development. Their bodies are exploited as tools through which to challenge and probe at Shinji’s psyche. While Shinji’s sexuality bestows him personhood and agency, Asuka and Rei’s often seem to do the opposite – instead reducing them to only the means towards Shinji’s end. Yet, even the justification that Rei and Asuka’s objectification may serve Shinji’s character development falls short, given that the girls are still depicted in a lewd and hyper-sexualized lens even when there’s nobody but us, the viewers, around to witness.

Using sexuality as a key vehicle to convey the male protagonist’s psychology creates an inherently gendered narrative – one in which a male protagonist acts out his conflict upon female bodies. This uneven and highly exploitative depiction warps what might have been an adolescent journey of self-discovery and growth into something far less constructive and much more unsettling.

Framework 2: Pervasive References to Sexual Violence

As I argued previously, Shinji’s repressed and conflicted sexuality can be viewed as a mirror of his character-defining struggle between the desire for love and the fear of pain. In this case, Shinji’s exploration and acceptance of his own sexuality becomes in and of itself a central element of his character development and, by extension, the show’s narrative resolution as a whole, given that the outcome of instrumentality rests on Shinji’s shoulders alone. It then becomes crucial that Shinji actualize his latent desire for sexual intimacy and ultimately master his own sexuality – as the chief expression of his internal development towards accepting his relationships with others and the co-dependent process of creating his own identity, self-worth, and reality.

In the abstract, this idea seems relatively healthy. However, the “Don’t you want to become one with me?” scenes and essentially all of End of Evangelion left me with a distinctly uncomfortable impression that couldn’t have been more different from that of a guileless adolescent navigating puberty. Seeing the “Don’t you want to become one with me?” question repeated to Shinji in the End of Evangelion context made me circle around one key question: Why is this imagined physical offering by the women in Shinji’s life presented as temptation? Why does the timing of this sequence reappear while Shinji is experiencing instrumentality? Or rather, why is the experience of instrumentality itself presented with the air of sexual temptation or seduction? This all culminates into the depiction of sexual desire for the female body as something needing to be tamed or conquered – given that it is only through Shinji’s repudiation of these offerings that he ultimately also rejects instrumentality. This supposition implies an adversarial relationship between Shinji and the object(s) of his sexual desire. This implicit hostility paints sexuality now as a struggle for control and/or dominance, rather than a source of self-discovery and growth.

I’ll note now that most of the observations and criticisms explored in this section speak almost exclusively to End of Evangelion. In my view, this implied hostility embedded into the exploration of sexuality is much more present in the film, whereas the show largely maintains sexuality as a means of fumbling adolescent growth and complex characterization. To frame what might be seen as an extreme interpretation, I’ll begin my closer reading of End of Evangelion with this Catharine MacKinnon quote:

“Once the veil is lifted, once relations between the sexes are seen as power relations, it becomes impossible to see as simply unintented, well-intentioned, or innocent the actions through which women are told every day what is expected and when they have crossed some line.”

The crucial dynamic supporting this darker interpretive framework – a dynamic much more palpable in End of Evangelion – is power relations. Referring back to my previous point wherein the persistent objectification of Asuka and Rei undermines their personhood to the same degree that it enhances Shinji’s – End of Evangelion takes this imbalance still further. Rei and Asuka’s sexualization not only serves Shinji’s development, but becomes the main stage upon which Shinji’s fight for self-determination plays out. This is to say that Shinji’s actions and key elements of the film’s narrative as a whole are acted out upon women’s bodies as both battleground and symbol. End of Evangelion resorts to a mode of storytelling that is explicitly gendered, portraying its conflict through a starkly male lens. Through the film’s imagery, brutality, and indulgence in the explicit, Shinji’s narrative is acted out through the depiction of women’s bodies as objects either with destructive power or being destroyed themselves; and as threats which much be conquered.

The Shinji we see in End of Evangelion experiences highs and lows far more extreme than his anime counterpart. EoE Shinji is shockingly depraved, powerless, and violent – in that order. His experiences in relation to the navigation of his sexuality take on a tone of violence and aggression. If he cannot act out his sexual impulses – if he cannot subdue the tormenting yet desired female body to the point that satisfies his desires (even if not always sexual in nature) – he resorts to violence to assert his will. During the kitchen scene within instrumentality, it is at the point when Asuka coldly rebuffs his pleading for her help that he first strangles her. Thinking back to the above quote re power relations – is this the “line” beyond accepted behavior where Asuka becomes deserving of male violence?

Violence takes many forms – all of them an embodiment of power relations. Yes, Shinji masturbating over Asuka’s stripped, unconscious form in the first scene is unequivocally an act of violence. No matter how “fucked up” and past sense Shinji may have been in that moment, he is still a man demeaning a woman and taking pleasure from the act – her inability to consent and even her comatose state all fueling male sexual gratification. Aside from the considerable shock value, this scene sets the tone of Shinji’s actions towards women throughout the film as relations of power and dominance. This scene further establishes repressed sexual desire and thwarted sexual frustration as the latent foundation of Shinji’s interactions with Asuka throughout the film; thus creating motivation and tension with the potential to drive him to further forms of violence.

In EoE, Shinji shares some type of sexual experience with all three women to whom he’s closest. First, his repulsive descent into depravity at the film’s very start. In this moment when he’s at his lowest, it is his most base and yet powerful instinct that takes over. He exacts pleasure, comfort, and distraction from Asuka’s body despite its fleetingness and her lack of consent. Second, Misato realizes that physical intimacy is the only thing that will get through to Shinji in his shell-shocked state. With a heated kiss, she delivers on the show’s hints of sexual interest between the two. Demonstrating just how well she understands Shinji, she promises him “We’ll do the rest when you get back,” knowing the promise of this ultimate physical act of approval and care is likely the only thing he will fight for. To put this in blunt terms: Shinji is promised sexual access to a woman whose praise he values, and this prospect of sexual fulfillment is what motivates him to finally enter Unit 1. While he isn’t imposing dominance over Misato here the same way he did to Asuka, this keeps with the film’s overall gendered perspective wherein Shinji’s triumphs or rare moments of purpose are marked by his access to women’s bodies.

Third, Shinji’s interactions with Rei/Rei-Lilith within instrumentality. It first must be noted that Rei is depicted naked for practically the whole movie. Sure, this might be necessary for the initiation of instrumentality, but it also serves to complete her objectification. I can by no means see it as mere coincidence that the advent of instrumentality and potential unleashing of the cataclysmic Third Impact is all represented by a giant, naked female form. What would be the greatest threat from the perspective of the male-gendered narrative? Precisely this – a female body that is overpowering, unconquerable, and unfathomable. By extension, I also don’t believe it’s coincidental that Shinji’s attainment of self-determination in his decision to reject instrumentality happens concurrently to his sexual union with Rei. She explains to him that no, he hasn’t died, “everything has just been joined into one.” This “joining” is depicted utterly literally, without any of the subtlety by which the anime presented sexuality as representative of total union within instrumentality. Thus, the resolution of Shinji’s character arc and the film’s climax as a whole occurs when Shinji finally attains fulfillment of the sexual desire he has harbored since the film’s beginning. The following shot of him and Rei naked with his head in her lap resolves the crisis of instrumentality with an unmistakable post-coital essence.

After these three encounters, we have the much-debated final scene of Shinji reuniting with Asuka after emerging from instrumentality. By this point, Shinji has taken advantage of her comatose body and strangled her, but she still has not shown herself amenable to his sexual desires as Misato and Rei have. She remains beyond his ability to either control or dominate. And so, while Rei’s giant, naked, and broken (read: conquered) body rests in pieces behind them, Shinji asserts his newfound will to attack the woman who has resisted his desire and refused the gratification he sought – both physically and emotionally.

This scene left me possibly even more disturbed than the film’s opening. To me, this ending implies that along with Shinji’s discovery of self-determination comes the male’s unfettered triumph following a struggle defined by sexual violence. In this final scene, we see the resistant woman subject to yet more violence at the hands of the protagonist – until at last, she no longer resists. In my view, this final scene was the occasion of Asuka’s capitulation. She is finally subdued to the point of acceptance and affectionate response even when being subjected to violence. She responds to Shinji’s aggression not with retaliation, but with a loving gesture. Her final words of “how disgusting” reminded me immediately of the hospital scene, and what Shinji had asked of her there: “Wake up, help me, call me an idiot like always.” Now, the man’s desire is at last satiated.

Beyond the narrative reliance on sexuality as a form of power relations, EoE also engages in gratuitous degradation of female bodies. They are either imbued with threatening, destructive power (Rei-Lilith), or experience destruction themselves (Asuka in Unit 2 and Rei-Lilith at the film’s end). Both Rei and Asuka’s bodies are subjected to extreme violence throughout the film, even while still being depicted as sexual objects. While suffering horrific, graphic injuries during her fight in Unit 2, Asuka is depicted writhing in agony in the entry plug with a disturbing sense of the erotic. After her body becomes the apocalyptic vehicle of instrumentality, Rei’s giant naked form is depicted crumbling to earth, stripped not only of her clothes but any sense of the human. Her split-open head rests beside the sea of LCL – a symbol of the male protagonist’s moral and psychological “victory.”

Framework 2: Counter-Arguments

Though I was disturbed by the rampant and dehumanizing sexualization in EoE, there were also plenty elements of the film I admired and remain deeply fascinated by. I don’t wish to seem overly disparaging, so I’ll briefly mention two counter-examples to this more critical framework.

1. Rei denying and rebuking Gendo and asserting her own will, while depicted as naked. It’s hard to overstate the enormity of Rei’s decision here. After existing as a seemingly unfeeling clone created for the purpose of realizing Gendo’s desires, Rei brings his plans to a crashing halt right at the pinnacle moment. The scene metaphorically traveled from 0-100 very quickly. It began with the insinuation of Gendo joining with Rei in a vaguely sexual sense, and his hand sinking into her breast in an unconventional bodily invasion while she showed discomfort. But then she asserts, “I am not your doll.” Her nakedness seems transformed from vulnerability to power. She is no longer the passive instrument of a man’s realization of his desires. Instead, she asserts her personhood and makes the individual decision how to employ the power within her. In so doing, she decides not only her own fate, but practically that of the whole world.

2. Shinji and Kaworu’s dynamic could be seen as refuting a binary reading of gendered power relations. Taking Shinji for bisexual has the potential to revise my interpretation from ‘Shinji subconsciously desires sexual access and control over women’ to ‘Shinji subconsciously desires sex and control’ period, without the emphasis on women as the subjects of his struggle. If this gendered binary is removed, then his growth and self-actualization need not come at the expense of the female characters around him. Extending Shinji’s repressed sexuality to encompass desire for Kaworu also alleviates the connotations of dominance and confrontation embedded within heterosexual sexuality.

Writing all this out was largely my personal means of resolving the million jumbled thoughts in my head after finally diving into this stunning masterpiece of a show. I’ll say again - what makes this show such a timeless work of brilliance is its highly personal resonance in the minds of its viewers. In the end, it isn’t a story about robots, aliens, or even sex at all – it’s a self-reflective act forcing you to wake up and confront your own role in creating the very reality in which you live. What kind of world have you made for yourself? Have you trapped yourself in confinement of your own making, or have you imagined every possible version of your world and liberated all the possibilities hidden in your creation of self? Evangelion can mean something different to every one, and no single interpretation is more correct than any others. So that said – a hearty thank you to anyone who actually read all the way here, and I’m always eager for discussion! :)

#Neon Genesis Evangelion #Evangelion #End of Evangelion #NGE #Evangelion meta #Evangelion analysis

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babysizedfics · 4 years

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my roman brain is zooming again so: what is the longest either of the boys have ever been little, and what would be a little roman/big virgil scenario??? im just imagining slightly perplexed caregivers because vee is clearly big and ro is clearly little and its New but they Vibe anyway and roman feeling cared for as part of the family and like his age dreaming isnt just asking for attent— heck i’m projecting like a lot of people on this blog but ?? also YAY im super glad you’re happy! —smallanon

here we go first hc of the day!!

firstly: the longest they've been little

for roman it was when he was preparing the garden wedding for his cgs! he was just full of childish excitement because he felt like a secret agent since he didnt tell anyone about it bc it was a surprise

and he just kept imagining how happy lo and pat would be and how proud they would be that he made all the decorations - so for pretty much the entire week before the wedding he was little!! he just had so much energy, he would direct that energy into making things and bouncing around and singing and dancing because if he had let himself be big the excitement actually might have spilled over into him blurting out the secret

so it was honestly a sneaky tactic to get himself to keep it secret

it was so long for him purely because he is very functional and can easily do adult tasks even when he is pretending to be a kid - like my friend duckie explained it, age dreaming is doing childrens activities and behaviours but with an adult mindset

so he could still do his chores and stuff and look after himself (though i think he would have hyperfixated on the wedding and maybe lsot track of time a lot) but it was all imbued with a sense of childish wonderment and hyperactivity

for virgil it's less of a happy scenario, at some point i am going to write this, it's honestly quite venty and completely projecting tbh

one week virgil is headed toward sensory overload but his caregivers are not aware of the signals and do not pick up on it - this culminates one day in them accidentally pushing vee's overload over the edge and he has a full blown autistic meltdown

the fic will explore the actual meltdown and how it is handled so i won't detail that here

but after such an intense and honestly traumatic experience virgil goes mute for a few days and to handle the distress of it all, his brain makes him regress and it doesn't let up for a few days

he is usually only regressed in bouts of a few hours, sometimes for a whole day but after that he usually won't need to regress for another day (the rule with him is roughly 50/50 for big/little headspace)

but this time he is completely in a baby headspace for several days and patton and logan are of course okay with that and offer him so much support and attention and love and are very careful not to overlod him again (because once you have a meltdown things do not go back to normal, you are very hypersensitive and are at risk of another one if you take on too much too fast)

but they are admittedly worried and saddened that virgil was so distressed to warrant such a long regression spell - they wouldnt have it any other way and are relieved now more than ever that virigl has such a healthy coping mechanism, they just wish he wasn't in so much pain

and virgil being around little roman

usually virgil had felt quite unsure and a little uncmfy being around roman while he is big but ro is little - it was a really really rare occurrence anyway though, it probably only happened once before because a) roman is usually omly little because he sees vee is little and b) if vee is big but sees ro little then his baby brother brain kicks in and he just wants ro to be his big brother again so he regresses

but during that week that roman was little before the secret wedding, roman actually had to let him in on the plan because he needed help with some decorations

and virgil is really awkward at first when he realises ro is little while they are sitting in his room while roman makes origami flowers and tries to show him how to do it

he feels a bit weird because he is used to roman being older than him even when theyre big - as much as virgil would never admit it, he does secretly like being the youngest side, it feels safe and comforting even when he's not regressed

but now roman is acting like a little kid and virge is definitely not regressed and he's not sure how to cope with it, his anxiety is hurtling thoughts through his mind about what if roman expects virgil to look after him? what if roman throws a tantrum? what if roman thinks virgil is boring or stupid? what if roman actually regresses and becomes a baby and hurts himself and it would be all virgils fault then everyone would blame him?? (yeah this is anxiety, none of this would actually happen)

but when roman sees that virgils hands are shaking too much to fold the origami, he puts his hands over virgils and rubs his thumbs over vee's knuckles softly and virgil sighs in relief

then roman says its ok if he cant do the origami because roman just thought of another thing that needs doing!! and he hands vee a pile of multicoloured paper and takes a sheet and rips it into strips then rips those strips into little squares

'petals for the flower boy!' he tells vee with a big smile, then wordlessly goes back to his paper lilies

and virgil tentatively picks up the papaer and starts ripping it and OH thats a rlly great sound rrrriiip rrrriiip

so virgil calms down a lot, it's a great stim to tear up paper and soon his fingers arent trembling and he feels a lot more comfortable because even when roman was little and virgil was big, roman was still looking out for him

and actually speaking to little roman isnt so different from speaking to big roman, virgil realises

they joke around a lot and are making lilies and petals for a couple of hours and feeling very relaxed

i do think this big virgil and little roman is really rare just because of how easily vee slips into his headspace but this one instance is very soft to me

#i really am happy i made vee autistic its so comforting to me #little angst #little/big concepts #agere virgil #little virgil #agedre roman #little roman #asks #long post #🌙 anon

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ty-talks-comics · 5 years

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The Boys Season 1 Review and Comparison

This was so cathartic.

In an age where we’re inundated with superhero media on all fronts with their bright colors, cheery jokes and positive outlooks, it’s easy to slowly become sick of it, feel the “superhero fatigue” as it were. Where Marvel ruins some stories with far too many jokes (looking at you Thor: Ragnarok) and DC is far too dreary and serious for its own good with a lack of levity, where can one turn to for a GOOD happy medium?

Well, in comes Seth Rogan and Evan Gold, the brilliant minds behind the amazing adaptation of Preacher with yet another brutal and slightly more cynical series. The Boys absolutely stuns not only by being a genuinely compelling series, but also by being one of the few adaptations that improves on the original medium in a few aspects.

Story

The story centers around Hughie Campbell and the titular Boys as they work to expose the horrific deeds of The Seven, a collective of the world's greatest superheroes, and the company that sponsors them, Vought American.

In this world, superheroes are everywhere. They're on breakfast cereals, TV shows, movies, pretty much every piece of media and entertainment imaginable while also protecting America from crime. Sounds familiar, huh? The kicker here is that, much like every asshole celebrity that lets the fame and fortune go to their heads, these heroes are massive cunts. They take performance enhancing drugs, routinely cause accidents that hurt or kill people, sexually harass people left and right and just lie to their adoring public like they’re children.

Unlike the books, however, The Boys team isn’t the well oiled machine that’s been taking down and blackmailing superheroes for years and the first four episodes are spent introducing the different team members.This is likely due to wanting to give people time to care about them individually and the limited number of episodes in the season. This definitely works in also retooling the characters themselves for TV since they may not have seventy-two issues of character development ahead of them

For the most part, the show follows the initial story beats of the comics with a few select differences before splintering off in an entirely new direction. Hughie’s girlfriend still gets blown apart by A-Train, he denies Vought America’s hush money which draws the attention of Billy Butcher and Starlight joins the Seven after the “death” of the hero Lamplighter.

This also means that there's less time to focus on smaller plotlines and teams that are referenced to in passing dialogue like the Teenage Kix, a pastiche on the Teen Titans, or Payback, the number two group of superheroes to The Seven. While seeing the team take these guys down on the small screen would have been fun, I like the idea of keeping the plot focused on just the core group of antagonists. This way, we don’t have to slog through three or four seasons of small fry and get the big bads in the last few.

After the first half, fans of the comic may start to feel a little bit of the familiar, but then things start to take a drastic turn when Billy's pride and the rest of the teams sloppiness gets them all burned and branded wanted criminals. This never happens in the books because The Boys are funded and protected by the CIA, but here they’re just another group of concerned citizens that are completely in over their heads, adding to the tension and keeping everyone guessing as to what will happen for the rest of the season and in Season 2.

Themes

The original series was written during the latter years of the Bush Administration. Tensions were high and America was still embroiled in the Iraq War. The president was a simpering fool and companies were fucking people over left and right in the name of patriotism. Reality TV and the awful personalities on our screens were on nearly every channel and all of this only fueled the anger that is Garth Ennis’ pen and Darick Robertson’s pencils. It was a product of its time and it was perfect.

We’re now in the Information Age where superheroes and social media are the only things that matter in everyone’s mind, where women’s empowerment is stronger than ever and our leaders speak bombastically with shit eating grins full of lies. Rogen and Goldberg have kept the series modern and take everything to task.

Media. Marvel and DC are everywhere nowadays with some indie companies managing to scrape up their own part of the pie. The Boys makes fun of the seemingly endless cycle of sequels and the goody-two-shoes images of America’s favorite heroes. Everything is carefully managed and curated by a media team, similar to how Disney micromanages even the smallest details of their properties to make everything so sickeningly squeaky clean.

Not only do the heroes stop crime, but they star in their own movies about themselves as well, some have sponsorships for shoes and have to compete with each other for everything. Almost everything is done for the cameras, even intimate moments whenever Vought can find a way to make it work. The heroes are never too far from the spotlight even when they want to be and oftentimes their acts can go viral without them knowing.

Sexual Assault. In the comics, Starlight is sexually assaulted by Homelander, Black Noir and A-Train in a gross scene to establish that there’s nothing good in that world. It was good for its time in its own dark way, but today there are absolutely consequences to such things as there should have been back then. In the show, Starlight is assaulted by The Deep, her childhood crush, alone.

It’s dark and makes use of the imbalance of power as The Deep threatens to have her kicked off of the team. Soon after, Starlight comes forward with what happens to her, not allowing herself to let what happened stand and unlike in the books, The Deep gets his comeuppance. Though this also unfortunately leading to him getting assaulted as well. It’s powerful and allows for Starlight to move what could have been an image of weakness, though Vought uses this to their advantage as well, painting her a feminist icon. Best for business right?

Politics. While not everything has to be an allegory for Trump, it’s hard to say that Homelander isn’t just that. He’s what the president thinks he is, a strong, blonde haired man that the entire country loves. Homelander has the people eating out of the palm of his hands and he’s only feeding them shit. He hates the common man and will just as easily let many die if it can somehow serve his interests. He’s not above a little sexual harassment himself and he is just an evil bastard.

There’s also a subplot of military application of superheroes that I feel mirrors the discussion on the use of drones in war. Drones are absolutely deadly and have caused the deaths of hundreds, even innocents when things have gone really wrong. Even President Obama was criticized for how reckless and dangerous their use could be. The world could only imagine the hell that would rain down if superheroes were allowed to duke it out over national security.

Characters

The Boys as a comic series was an unrepentantly cynical take on the superhero genre in an established universe of heroes. The creator, Garth Ennis, didn’t grow up with many superheroes and actually felt disrespected by a few of them, like Captain America. He brought on the amazing Darick Robertson and other artists to realize this horrid world of drugs, hardcore sex and brutal violence. Many of the stories are fun and hilarious, but with the unfortunate feeling of a lot of them feeling one note due to the one dimensional nature of a lot of the “heroes” and the ever escalating level of black humor to the point of being cartoonish.

Our main character cast is absolutely fantastic. Jack Quiad’s Hughie is much like his comic counterpart, aside from being like six feet tall and not Scottish. He’s surprisingly smart with a lot of awkwardness about him. He has a good heart and doesn’t see ALL superheroes as being evil, but does have a slight sense of justice that wants to see The Seven and Vought taken down.

Karl Urban’s Butcher was the absolute perfect casting choice. He’s got that wry British wit, the fury to capture Butcher’s rage against supes and can play a manipulator like nobody's business. His character arc is one of the few regressions that I can actually appreciate for how it's done, especially as things become more fucked because of him and how he chooses to blame everyone else.

Everyone else is a slight bit of an improvement over the comics versions. The Frenchman, played by Tomer Capon, is similar to his comics counterpart, but we’re given reason to care about him and The Female. In the comics, Frenchie and the Female knew each other prior, but I don’t think it’s ever revealed how they met or became close. In the show Frenchie frees The Female, played by Karen Fukuhara, from thugs that had been keeping her prisoner and he slowly gains her trust over the course of the next few episodes after her introduction. We see their friendship grow, learn a little bit of her backstory and get a better understanding of what she wants versus just following Frenchie around and being terrifyingly adorable.

Annie January aka Starlight, played by Erin Moriarty, is probably the second best change in character in the series. She starts out as a bright eyed, bushy tailed hero looking to do good, but after being sexually assaulted on her first day in The Seven, decides that it will never happen again. In the comics, Annie stays around in The Seven and takes the abuse for a little while before speaking out and fighting back against the rest of them. What makes things even better, not only does she challenge her uber Christian beliefs during an event sponsored by Vought, but she does so while also getting Vought to force her abuser into giving a public apology at the mere thought of her causing their stock prices to crash.

Consequently, Mother’s Milk, portrayed by Laz Alonso, one of the most layered characters in the comics isn’t made better, but the more ridiculous aspects of is character have been toned down. We don’t hear of his disabled mother and his addiction to her breast milk that fuels his own superpowers, nor is his wife a crack addict that makes pornos with their daughter. He’s simply a reliable member of the team that loves his wife and will give Butcher the truth when he’s acting like an asshole.

The series actually brings a lot of grey to most of these characters. A-Train never once shows remorse for his actions in the books, but in the show he's painted as kind of sympathetic, while still being seen as a monster for what he does and the reasons behind them. The Deep could go either way after his actions with a redemption arc or a full turn to villain, but is shown to be knowingly aware of how little regard there is for him. He calls himself a "diversity hire" and acknowledges his own ineptitude, but he's still an absolutely terrible person.

Queen Maeve may be one of my favorite changes that manages to be even more sympathetic than her already pretty great comic counterpart. She, much like Starlight, did want to change the world, but she let the apathy and jaded nature of the job take her over. She's an alcoholic that sees a bit of herself in Starlight. The change comes in how she reacts to what I think might be Homelander's most heinous act in the show. She shows far more remorse and guilt over what happens than she does in the comic, showing us a side of her makes you want to root for her and to see her get better.

The best character… dear Lord, is Homelander, played by Anthony Starr. Homelander is a bastard. The worst thing imaginable because of his sheer strength and power. He’s a sociopath with all of the powers of Superman and none of the goodness. In the comics he’s simply just another asshole.��

He’s the most powerful of the Seven and absolutely revels in the hedonistic lifestyle that he’s accustomed to while also hating being under the rule of Vought. In the show, he’s shown as being supportive to Vought, especially it’s current Senior VP of Hero Management, Madelyn Stillwell. He has something of a mommy fetish as shown with his interactions with her and later in the series actually expresses emotions over learning of his own tragedies, but instead of trying to change for the better, he doubles down on his hatred and anger to become an even bigger monster than before.

In the comic he just wants all of the superheroes to conquer the world, but here, he just wants to hurt everyone who hurts him. He plays games like a child, threatening and revealing secrets to toy with people before absolutely breaking them. He's horrible in a very personal way and his sneering smile only makes him so much more hateable. He knows there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop him and he revels in that fact, I love it.

Pacing and Direction

Coming in at an hour for each episode, the first two to three can feel a bit slow. Getting all of the story elements to sit just right can take time, especially as new things are introduced every few minutes. This slow burn approach easily helps to build the tension before things get really crazy by episode four. By that point, the story is unfolding at a perfect rhythm, the team is mostly together, they’ve made their plans of action and it’s all so smooth.

Thankfully each episode is directed by different people to avoid each feeling so similar. The common humor and tone is kept the same, but some episodes are very hopeful almost before being met with one that absolutely makes you hate certain characters and the actions that they take. In particular, the episode where Hughie and Butcher visit a group therapy session and Butcher flies off into a rage about the weakness of the attendees as they basically lick the balls of the heroes that have maimed them was amazing. The director pulls so much emotion out of that scene and continues on as the episode moves along in a far more dramatic fashion than some of the others.

Some others lean heavier on the debauchery such as the episode where Hughie and Butcher venture into a superhero sex club and watch as these guys do some pretty amazing feats with their abilities in some really gross ways. There’s a good balance of levity and drama that makes neither feel too overwhelming.

Overall

With a great cast, impeccable acting and an unpredictability that I actually enjoyed, The Boys absolutely blew me away. I was wholly prepared to rip it apart if I felt like it didn’t do the story justice, but Rogen and Goldberg are fans and knew what we all wanted. It’s unabashedly a comic book show, but still has enough to it that people who have never heard of the series will be floored by how much they can find to enjoy.

It’s for the nihilistic and jaded comic book fan. It’s for the casual watcher who’s gotten enough of Marvel’s colorful displays of happiness and it’s absolutely for the happy person who just wants to have some fun with what they watch.

I thoroughly enjoyed this season of The Boys. So much so that I’m aching with anticipation to re-read the comic series in preparation for Season Two. It’s unlikely that it’ll follow the plot much, if at all after the ending, but with Stormfront (as a woman) being announced as the new Hero joining the Seven in the next season, I’m excited as to who else they might pull. This first season absolutely earns a high recommendation from me.

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xsecretblastsx · 4 years

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What do you think were chair’s best and worst moments as a couple?

I got this ask ages ago, I’m sorry i only got into it now, but better later than never right?

Best moments: 3x12 This is one of my fave moments in the whole series, and when it comes to their relationship it stands out because it shows how deep their emotional conection really was, Blair has such an insight on Chuck and what he feels and how he deals, and in turn we also see Chuck allowing himself to be vulnerable with her in a way he really didn’t before and it’s such a loving moment between them. 6x10 Surprising, but for this episode I didn’t pick their wedding, because while that’s the culmination of their story, is their engament that really gets me in the sense that is a call back to S2 when everything was uncertain, with their only hope being that somehow in the future they would figure out a way of making it work. So here, 4 years late of that moment they’re at that future, partnerts in crime, equals, utterly in love and not afraid to be vulnerable to each other. Chuck and Blair about to hold hands at their wedding.

5x10

I wasn’t so sure about including this one, and because it ends tragically and whatever progress gets loss, but there are two moments here that I feel i can’t ignore: Blair taking the leap in a way she hasn’t dare to probably since the end of S2, ever since their break up in S3 she’s being afraid of the amount of love she feels and the vulnerability that means and how she deals and acts because of it, it’s the first time ina while she believes she’s ready. The second thing is Chuck saying he’ll love the baby as much as he loves her, and this is huge for him, a couple of years ago he wasn’t sure he was capable of loving someone, of being there for someone and now he’s able to do that. It’s also a good contrast to Blair dismissing Chuck and his ability to be a father in a earlier episode.

4x09 (this whole episode, though)

Again not sure this is a best moment in the sense that nothing monumental is happening they’re just having a bit of a sexy time while also plotting ther way to the top, but the thing for me is for one, this moment is so them when and what I imagine their married life is going to be like day to day. Is a nice preview, sure we got some “married” moments in S3 but they were more on the tender side, so I’m glad we got to see this one.

The other moment from this episode (might be unpopular) I love is actually when they said goodbye at the end of the episode, is one od the few moments in S4 they actually stop and have an actual conversation about them. Getting back together then, they weren’t ready so I do feel they need that separation, regardless of what happens later, the fact was they need to feel on equal footing, otherwise they would never stop playing with each other. I love how even if they’re deciding to be appart it doesn’t feel like an ending, rather like a promise, that they’ll find their way back to each other.

5x06

At first sight this is mainly a big moment for Chuck. This is the moment I think he finally gets it,what he needs to do to move forward and to deal with the responsability of his own actions, and I feel Blair needed to a) see this from him b) the apology, not becaus she hasn’t forgiven him, because for the most part she did, but also because this was progress for him. It also brings their story to a next phase, even if they might not realize it at the time. Since their brake up in S3, it was easier for Blair to dissmiss their relationship by claiming Chuck’s not ready, by not trusting him, she puts the blame on him on why it wouldn’t work, and sure he had to work a lot of himself, but a changed Chuck means Blair can’t put it on him anymore, now the one holding back is her and her own fears (take S3 she can and did forgive him for the hotel thing, she gets why he did it, she can’t forgive herself for her willingness to do it though) this is why in 5x07 she tries so hard to prove he hasn’t change because then she has a legit reason to keep him at bay, to not acknowledge that she loves him, that she wants to be with him and now the only one standing in the way of that is herself. Hard pill to swallow. So it was an important moment, and it’s a best for me because this is a very honest moment, and those while rare are also something they only manage to be with each other.

6x03 & 6x08

Putting them back to back because they’re two sides of the same coin: being there for each other, being a team to achieve what they want all the while showing how well they knew each other by being and doing exactly what each other needs them to be in that moment, and also being a source of conformt when things don’t go exactly the way they wish. In 6x03 we have Blair saying “you read me like tea leafs Chuck Bass” and he’s their for her when things go wrong, building on her confidence and celebrating her regardless, and in 6x08 we have Blair getting Chuck back to the fight, giving him strength and we end this episode with them toasting to going to war to get what they want and their happy ending. This is them at their literal best, their relationship is finally what it was always meant to be.

2x13 & 2x14

These episodes are a gem, sure he leaves at one point and also mocks her feelings for a bit and as such these should probably be in their worst moments, but I mean she says I love you, and also this magical words “the worst thing you ever done, the darkest thought you ever had I will stand by you through anything” like wow. It also allows for two very emotional moments between the: when he cries in her arms and when she gets him down of that ledge. The love they had for each other allows him to be vulnerable if only for a moment, and it also saves his life. Even when he leaves her he does it because he loves her and doesn’t want to drag her down with him. It’s the first time that we really see the depth of their love, this is the real deal, ain’t that beautiful?

2x25

I couldn not include the time when Chuck finally tells her that he loves her, is such a happy a moment, I’ve said before that this is my favorite scene in the show, it has a lot to do with the actual details of the scene but mostly their happiness is contagious, it feels earned and yet so young and naive. Is such a romantic moment and the first time in their lives they get to be this happy. What’s not to love.

Worst moments:

4x20

No explanation needed. Is Chuck reaching rock bottom and in turn taking the remains of their relation with him. Is such an awful moment because it’s obvious Chuck doesn’t really want to hurt he, he’s not the type to get physical and we all know had he actually hurt her by his own hands he wouldn’t have forgiven himself, probably would have done something drastic, and yet lost in a hazel of alcohol, drugs and the biggest loss he can imagine he completely loses it. And Blair rightfully leaves him there and runs, because she can’t really reach him like this and it would make things even worrse if she stays for both of them. This is to me their darkest moment and I like to imagine one topic that came up when Chuck did therapy. I think is also weights heavily in Chuck’s mind after and part of the reason he is so covinced the best thing he can do for her is let her go.

3x17 (also 3x22)

The Indicent proposal. This is probably the most exhausted topic in the history of Gossip Girl. It was done mostly for shock value and yet it magnifies everything about their relationship, their trust issues, the games between them (briefly explored in 3x06) and ironically the amount of love they had for each other. It also made them face some truths about themselves. Weirdly I actually don’t hate this plot sure it has Chuck doing something that should be unforgivable, and yet Blair says at one point she forgives him for something no one else in the planet would. And that’s the thing really, this is a plot that allow us to gain a lot of insight into the characters and the way they love each other. It becomes the underlying issue in their relationship for the rest of the show, Blair brings it up as late as the second half of S5, and this is because more than the actual hotel deal it put front and center something they really needed to do learn: unconditional love is not a a carte blanche to act however you want and that love is not a weakness. The failed proposal and their brie reunion are just fallout from the hotel incident. So I feel i should mention it here. Blair makes a big deal of him sleeping with Jenny but while I get that her complicated dynamic with Jenny is why that was such an offense to her and why she lashes out at Chuck, to me rather than being a really bad moment in their relationship is more like a really low point for everyone involed and it’s more telling of their issues as individuals than about the relationship between Chuck and Blair. It also allows Blair to bury her real fears under the rug.

4x22

Now I love this scene in the scene that is heartbreakingly beautiful to watch, but is such a weak moment for them because basically they just give up. It’s also a regress for them because this is basically Chuck saying I love you but I can make you happy so please be happy with someone else (the same as S2b) and Blair going after the fairytale again (which is something she said she was done with in S2b) sure she puts a little fight but still agrees to let each other go, and they try to see it as sign of strength, because it takes all their power to leave each other, when is just a show of weakness of not being willing to fight for each other. To do what needed to be done to fix it.

5x03

I hate this scene, beyond the fact that is a sad moment I just hate the fact that it has Blair pointing out to Chuck that she doesn’t have it in him to be a dad and all he can do is be like well you must be happy it isn’t mine then, and it’s obvious they’re both suffering, and then she realizes she’s missjudging him and tells him that part of her wanted him to be the dad, which is something that only manages to make them feel even worst. The longing between each other is so strong here, and yet they do nothing about it and it’s such a low point of their relationship because but look so defeated.

5x19

There’s not an specific moment per se, just that this episode has Blair pretty much dissmising their history and acting like she didn’t knew Chuck, she’s doubtful of him the whole episode, as if she actually thinks the worst of him, and it’s very jarring to watch, first when she doesn’t want to talk to him about his mom (which is a very hard topic for him) and then she also says she’s not used to Chuck doing something selfless and I’m like is this even happening? I know Blair’s pretty much in denial about everything at this point in the series, she’s depressed, so that’s why she’s acting this way, the only silver lining being Chuck, who while hurt, he doesn’t act like he’s done with her or trying to sabotage her, he just gives her space which is something he had trouble with before,but nevertheless is a really low point in their relationship because before they were ther for each other even if they were not together.

1x13

A moment so far in their history that it pales to the others. I’m including it though because at the time is was a pretty awful moment between them and even if Blair had been stepping over his feelings since Cotillion and called him a mistake, he retaliated not only by publicly humiliating her he aslo slut shamed her and he deserves to be called out for that. It was also a preview of what happens when they play against each other. He hurts her pretty badly, just look how sad she is when she leaves that bart and his words and the knowledge that she doesn’t have him in some way or another that gets her to the point of wanting to run away to France. (My personal headcanon is that how much his words hurt her clued her into what she really felt for him, too late).

2x15

Blair’s done. Compared to others it may not stand out as much but it brings and end to the amzing display of love the previous episodes. As such this list would feel incomplete without it. What makes this moment a really bad one is how hopeless it feels at the time. He barely makes an effort to makes things right. It’s also a pretty low blow how he uses the word wife as an insult, and he knows it because when she mentions it (when he does the lamest attempt in history to apologize) he cringes because he knows what that means to her, the cherry on top being that during this whole period against her nature she has been patient and understanding, never bringing up that he really hasn’t return her feelings and by the end you can tell how exhausted she is by giving so much of her, and for what? He’s not ready to see it or really appreciate it until it’s too late.

A special mention to this scene:

This scene is the worst and the best at the same time. It’s the best because it speaks of loss, of a ring that was the promise of what could have been, it’s also an admission of the fact they can’t never not be part of each other’s live and even if she says words to the contrary, the truth is they love each other to pieces and that love is the undercurrent of the whole interaction, and why he stays. Is the worst because well they still leave each other and their relationship is in ruins and right at that moment not even the love they felt for each other can fix it.

#this got insanely long and somehow the under the break line got loss and I can’t get it back on mobile #anon #ask #chuck x blair #chair

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robiness · 4 years

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Qrow was meant to be a punching bag (theory, V7CH12 spoilers)

tw: depression, one brief mention of suicide at the very end

Many are upset about the literal and narrative butchering of two beloved characters in RWBY V7E12. The initial and probably most popular argument against what happened is that it doesn’t make sense, why would these characters do what they did. And honestly, that reasonable reaction to the injustice was mine, too.

But now that I’ve “calmed down”, meaning I’m finally not in a whirlwind of blind rage, indignation, and devastation, I started thinking about “Why did they do that?” with some level of depth.

The answer I found is still unjust and disgusting, but at least it fell in line with something resembling logic.

Qrow enthusiasts have been complaining about his endless heartbreak. Why can’t be be happy for once? What’s the whole point in his recovery arc this volume if they’ll just scrap it? It’s like they put random tragedies on a dart board and the writers just started throwing.

Hear me out - they meant all of this. Every instance Qrow suffered is intended. They didn’t throw away his recovery arc because he was never meant to recover.

I think that they’re going to make him an antagonist at worst, or a man driven to the ultimate tragedy at best.

At this point, you’re probably like. What. Lol no. You’re as silly as the writers are.

But again, let me explain. I used to have that mindset of Qrow always being best but sad boy. A hero who just needs a chance.

There was NO way this man will ever go dark:

he probably thinks he lost summer to salem

his nieces are actively hunted by salem and her forces, and RWBY for sure ain’t changing sides

he’s always believed in the principles he has, and he’s always applied them. he’s a good Huntsman who cares, and knows his path

he believes in ruby’s determination and ability to probs save the world

But that’s the thing.

He’s ALWAYS stuck by the principles he learned from Ozpin. Betrayal after betrayal, he was crushed but managed to somehow bounce back.

This volume, he was on a good track. A good mind space. His kids are great, but then he met an equal - someone with literal plot armor against his Semblance. Misfortune is the reason why he stays away from the people he loves, why he blames himself for a lot of things, why he feels like baggage.

A person his age who could be a friend, or more. Huntsman of equal ability and maturity.

Queerbaiting aside (I’m sorry I ever used that phrase, I hate them too), Clover was a possibility. Here was a potential team partner, friend, lover, whatever, but the point is he was finally free to explore what a developing relationship is like because here’s a guy who kinda got him, and probably won’t be harmed by staying close for an extended period of time.

I think the chemistry in their fights solidified this too. Clover was someone who didn’t get in trouble by being at his side (except the first time in the mines, and Clover took it in stride and still succeeded).

Even better, Clover actually vocalizes that hey, it’s okay.

He doesn’t dismiss Qrow’s semblance, but he encourages Qrow to let go of the guilt a bit, that he’s worth more than his bad luck, and can continue to work around it.

Qrow was nowhere near full recovery, but he was definitely on the way with a bit of Clover’s help. Later, my precious man finally smiles for real... not his smirk or sad smiles to Ruby. He’s smiling for the enjoyment of the moment and things are looking up!

(slightly sorry for the gif below)

(V7CH12 gifs would be appropriate from here on, but I am NOT doing that to myself)

So what’s the point, Robiness? We all know how THAT story goes. Qrow gets trauma because it’s shown to him, yet again, that his Semblance fucks up the good things, that even someone with the most potential to be safe ISN’T. Not around him.

The whole crash was OOC, rushed and bad writing, whatever. But why did it happen?

Qrow is basically the poster boy for mental health in this show. He’s depressed, and to him AND to the outside world, he’s right in thinking he’s only going to hurt people. He’s been proven right, many times, that he is bad luck.

What’s different this time?

He didn’t have hope, the other times he was let down. He had hope for humanity, yes, and that he can somehow contribute to saving it.

But he’s never had hope for himself, that he could be more than his Semblance. Clover’s character gave that to him. He was already trying to quit drinking, but that was for Ruby and the other kids, and by extension their mission, but not for himself.

When CRWBY killed that hope, it killed anything inside of Qrow that could’ve thought that he could be a hero. Or even simply better than he was before.

He’s crushed, his mind is clouded. As Clover died, he wanted to kill Tyrian, then he wanted James to fall. The legal type of justice wouldn’t be enough to assuage his need for vengeance.

And he’s alone. Perhaps about to be arrested, I don’t know. But every other time he’s been crushed, he had the kids around to divert the attention even a little bit. But this time, there’s no one to help him process and move past this. No positivity from Ruby, no scolding from Yang to keep it together. No one.

If you’ve ever had mental illnesses, you could probably imagine being alone in that fragile state of mind.

And you know who’s the most likely to know where the heck he is and that he’s going through something? His sister, Raven, because of her Semblance.

Details have been important in how RWBY is told to the audience (though they retract when convenient lol). Sometimes, this includes release dates. February is the last month of winter, slowly turning into spring. Yes, I mean the Spring maiden.

Let’s talk about Raven.

She’s angry at her brother, also for feelings of betrayal. He betrayed their tribe, their values, everything they stood for. He left her, his sister. He chose Ozpin’s mission over her, even though their original plan was to just infiltrate Beacon to learn how to kill Huntsmen better.

This means she remembers a boy that had the same ideas and supported her and their family. I don’t think she can accept that this Qrow, the one we know, is her actual brother, how he should be. When it comes to Qrow, I think what matters to her the most is proving that she was right all along, that they should’ve just stuck together and kept to their practices.

And Qrow, regardless of the spring bit, if he encounters her as he is now... could easily believe that she was right. After all, the facts to him are:

He can’t escape his Semblance, ever.

He needs vengeance for Clover, because his death was his fucking fault. His attempt to deescalate the fight (leaving Harbinger in the snow) didn’t matter, because his bad luck won in the end.

A plausible 3. Doing things “the good way” “the right way” is never going to cut it for him because he is walking misfortune. Something will always go wrong.

So why not drop all fucks and go ahead full-force?

His mind isn’t in its best state right now, and all his decisions will of course be emotional.

We’ve known Qrow from point A depression to point B somewhat recovery to point C the last fucking straw. I think it’s something to consider that we’ve never heard anything about his youth, except that he used to believe in the brutality of their tribe. He never mentions it, and we don’t know anything about the circumstances that made him change, beyond “Ozpin gave him a place”.

He gave up his heritage just to be proven that brutality would have protected his loved ones better.

So yes, the punching bag theme, the endless misery, Clover’s death - all these are most likely building up to that shift in his character. We thought the eventual character shift would just be his recovery, but since that was scrapped, the only other way that makes sense is that he’s going to regress into someone that cannot be saved.

He’s not going to switch sides. He’s not going to stop loving his kids. He’s probably never going to join Salem.

But his methods will be more ruthless now, driven by heartbreak and rage and self-hatred. God knows how he’ll deal with anyone in his way. He’s not going to fucking listen. He listened to Clover, and where did that get him?

This way, the violent, straightforward way he used to know, this would protect his kids more efficiently, even if they don’t want him to go down that path. He’d probably leave them to protect them, and to be unhindered in his corner of the war.

He’ll think that this - to be a rage-filled killing machine - would be the best case scenario for him and the rest of the world. Kind of like how he followed RNJR from a distance, killing all the Grimm that could get in their way.

We thought he was a broken man before, but this has been escalating. It’s been probably planned out since before.

If you’re not convinced yet, remember:

RWBY loves literature parallels.

Leo Lionheart changed, and gave in to fear. The Cowardly Lion.

James Ironwood, the Tin Man, has proven that he’s thrown away his heart.

Qrow Branwen, the Scarecrow, was always fucking destined to lose his mind.

I don’t know what will happen after, what kind of sick tragic death he’ll end up with. Since they’re romanticizing his suffering so much, he’ll probably end up killing himself after his work’s done.

I have no idea how the details will go, but I’m pretty sure this is the path the writers will take. There is just no other reason I can fathom as to why they keep hurting my man. I want to be wrong, but I can’t think of anything else, unless some deus ex machina shit happens in the finale, but hell if I’m ever trusting CRWBY again.

And yeah, as a depressed person who relates to and loves Qrow, the idea of the message of “it’s never going to get better” fucking sucks.

#rwby #rwby theory #qrow branwen #clover ebi #i havent stopped being angry its just that im less incapacitated and more directed in my rage now #fair game #meta

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 5 years

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The thing I love about Otto, he is the guy who...Peter Parker is supposed to be the everyman, and in a lot of ways he is, but he is always dating the most beautiful women in the world...supermodels, Gwen Stacy...And Otto was the guy, I am not a big fan of the late-90s as an era of Spider-Man. There was a character called Stunner who came along and was this big Amazonian woman with super-strength, who was Otto's partner and love-interest and the big reveal was that she was a virtual reality simulation and the real person was an overweight woman in a virtual reality machine. But when Otto finds out he says, I didn't love you for what you looked like, I loved you for your mind...I can’t remember if she [Aunt May] saw Betty [Brant] as a bit of a Jezebel because she was older

We er...we really need to unpack this. I already did a post where I cited the above as part of why Christos Gage should never have been allowed to write Spider-Man.

But lets dive deeper into the idiocy of this.

First of all if nothing else the above quote and panels really do prove beyond doubt that Marvel knew what they were doing when they paired Slott and Gage...well sorta. Gage and Slott’s approaches to Spider-Man fundamentally come from the same place of fundamental misunderstanding and regressive beliefs thus they were perfect to work together. It’s just that Gage is a comparatively more competent writer than Slott and therefore Slott should’ve been HIS understudy and fill-in guy not the other way around.

So let’s dive into the less awful bits first. Like Slott Gage doesn’t know his continuity and is too lazy to even google it.

Let’s put aside how Stan Lee himself stated Betty Brant is younger than Peter NOT older, the age difference would’ve been insignificant enough (Peter was a senior in high school when he was dating Betty, that’s stated in the issues) so what is this ‘Jezebel’ crap? The fact his mind would go to that rather than just Aunt May thinking MJ would be a better match is at best eyebrow raising.

Moving on, the crux of his assessment of Otto and Stunner’s relationship is way off the mark. Ignoring the fact that Stunner and the reveals made about her occurred in 1994-1995 (so literally not the LATE 1990s at all), he’s totally distorted the story as it unfolded. As such let me show you some of the relevant pages.

Gage’s assessment of Otto and Stunner’s relationship hinges upon two interconnected ideas.

a) Otto was unaware that her stunning appearance was a facade and

b) That he didn’t care upon finding out

As you can see that is a distortion of what the actual stories conveyed.

Otto was always aware Stunner’s appearance was a facade because he invented the technology that made it possible in the first place!

Otto also began dating her BEFORE she became Stunner. This does indeed support the idea that for him outer beauty is not that relevant.

For myself I find this idea debatable for a few reasons. Not only in the above images does he directly refer to Stunner as beautiful and the love of such a beautiful woman makes him happy but in the classic Spec #75 Bill Mantlo implies Otto took a fancy to Felicia due to her being attractive.

I grant you it’s far from impossible to interpret that Otto in fact was referring to Stunner’s personality as beautiful and took a shining to Felicia for reasons beyond her looks. In fact I find that interpretation interesting. But both examples hurt the narrative of Otto being a man who doesn’t care about outer beauty, even before you get to the fact that in Superior he was oggling and actively trying to fucking rape Mary Jane! What exactly about her ‘inner beauty’ led to him doing this?

Then of course you have his relationship with Aunt May which has been treated as genuinely romantic when it’s very unlikely to be that.

The truth is Doc Ock has been inconsistently written over the decades so pinning down that he’s a man who doesn’t care about a woman’s outer beauty in regards to his feelings for them is extremely iffy.

His dynamic with Stunner and Gage’s assessment is even iffier as the pages detailing his ‘courting’ of her prior to her becoming empowered can definitely be interpreted as him actively manipulating her for his own ends. He needed a test subject for his technology, a technology he was hoping could essentially ensure he’d live beyond the demise of his mortal body and mind (which obviously happened in Superior). Angela was that test subject, he either came across or scouted her out with the explicit intention of having her use his machine.

Because we only get brief flashes of their relationship it’s unclear if he was 100% decieving and manipulating her (as he was to Anna Maria and Mary Jane) or if he was sincere in his affections, at least on some level. Maybe he even started out manipulating her but grew to genuinely care for her before or after her transformation into Stunner.

My point is it’s not this grand moral victory for Otto that he cared for Angela even though she was overweight.

Which brings me to the most damning thing about Gage’s comments.

According to him Otto is better than Peter because Otto didn’t date supermodels or sexy cat burglars.

Much like all his work with Otto before and during his Superior run, Gage practically wanks off the character.

You see Otto is ‘different. He’s not like ‘those other guys’, or more specifically ‘that Peter Parker guy’. HE doesn’t date supermodels or sexy cat burglars.

He just keeps the sexy cat burglars as his ‘guests’ that he won’t let leave his lair, will date by deception and attempt to rape the supermodels and will probably manipulate vulnerable overweight women for his own selfish scientific pursuits and date them sincerely once they’ve transformed into wrestling divas.

Of course in reality, romantic and sexual attraction is something none of us can help and we are going to feel about whoever however we’re going to feel, and the harsh truth is a lot (but not all) of the time outer appearences do matter, or at least they do when it comes to initial attractions. Often in healthy relationships they matter less as time goes by, but are rarely totally irrelevant. Nobody, of any sex, gender or sexuality, is shallow for on some level taking looks into account for how they feel about a romantic or sexual partner, at least on some level.

In Peter’s case Gage’s assessment (which synchs up with Slott’s) of him as shallow is so asinine because he clearly doesn’t just care about looks. In fact semi-famously in the classic Romita stories his initial attraction for Mary Jane fades after he (incorrectly, and unfairly) starts to view her as shallow and little more than her looks.

No doubt about it that chicks’s as pretty as a pumpkin seed...and just about as shallow.

ASM #45*

Peter late of course dumps Black Cat in part because she doesn’t love him for who he is, and only cares about him as Spider-Man. He wants someone who will share a life with him, whom he can connect with. If he was only interested in her because she was sexy why would he do that?

And of course this is to say nothing of the absolute denigration Gage’s comments pay to both MJ and her relationship with Peter.

I’ve felt this way for awhile now but to be blunt, if a writer ever just sums up MJ as a ‘supermodel’ I’m going to presume they either don’t understand her character and/or hold some messed up opinions. Putting aside how MJ hasn’t a model (super or otherwise) for most of her history it’s just messed up that everything else about her is dismissed in favour of pushing that profession and treating it as a summation of who she is as a character.**

Because whenever creators or characters sum up MJ as a supermodel what they really mean is ‘she’s just a shallow, pretty face’. Which is so facepalm worthy ironic because the crux of Mary Jane’s entire character since The Death of Gwen Stacy in 1973 has been that people THINK she is just a shallow pretty face but she in fact absolutely isn’t!

And aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the stuff that is relevant to why she isn’t is literally the reason Spider-Man fell in love with her in the first place. All the guilt, regret, insecurities, bravery, sense of responsibility and inner strength that subverted what we thought we knew about her, that’s the shit that her and Spider-Man’s romance is built upon.

How the fuck does anyone miss that! It’s not even like you need to read deeply to see it, just read a Wikipedia entry!

It isn’t the crux of Felicia’s character, but the same applies to her. What jackass in this day and age (or indeed since the 1980s) honestly thinks Black Cat is nothing but sex appeal? There is an entire goddam Black Cat ongoing series demonstrating she is more than that! Gage is a goddam relic at this point!

On the flipside of course is poor Anna Maria.

Once upon a time Anna Maria was the best character in Spider-Man. Back in the dark days of 2013 and 2014 when Superior was going strong, MJ was out of the picture and the best Spider-Man books on the stand were about a kid replacing a dead AU Peter Parker and Peter Parker’s clone, Anna Maria was a stand out.

A new character with a personality, likable, a new love interest for ‘Spider-Man’ that on paper made a certain amount of sense even though the circumstances were disgusting. And on top of that she provided a dash of representation that was handled in an appropriate way.

As time went by she gradually devolved as a character and went way off the rails to the point where now she’s being a misogynistic asshole to other women by judging them for their looks. It’s so fucked up because she herself has been judged for her looks, just in a very different way whilst the likes of those ‘shallow’ women she cites have never said a bad word to her or to my knowledge anyone else on the basis of how they were born.

Good job Gage, this is probably the last time we’re going to see Anna Maria and you’ve fully transitioned me from a guy who kind of wanted her to stick around in some capacity as a regular supporting player for Peter into a guy who would be delighted for her to forgotten and never appear again.

Fuck Gage.

Fuck Superior

Fuck the entire asinine, mishandled, clusterfuck of an era that outstayed it’s welcome circa December 2012!

*In fairness he does bring up he might just be thinking ill of MJ because he’s upset about other things. See, THAT is a more even handed and on point depiction of Peter Parker being flawed. But Stan Lee being a better writer than Gage or Slott shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

**Not to mention ‘supermodel’ shouldn’t even be used as shorthand for ‘shallow person’ in the first place. Are supermodels not people too? Are they incapable of being intelligent or having worth outside of their looks? I mean FFS we live in a world where this (starting at 3:37) really happened:

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#Christos Gage #Spider-Man #Superior Spider-Man #Anna Maria Marconi #otto octavius #Doc Ock #Dan Slott #Doctor Octopus #mjwatsonedit #Mary Jane Watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker #Black Cat #Peter Parker #Felicia Hardy

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lisatelramor · 4 years

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Little Problems

Heiji/Conan because I don’t know. For a prompt from the mostly dead DCMK LJ kinkmeme: I would love see something with Conan and the differences between his mental and physical ages. Possible underage

***

When Conan first got de-aged, he thought that it really was just a reversal of time, a regression to the child body he had years ago, but the longer he was Conan, the less sense it made, and once he met Ai, he knew it was false.

“It’s not a true regression,” she confirmed when he asked her about it. “It seems to mostly target muscle, bone, and organs in reverting to an earlier state, but some of it, especially the nervous system doesn’t work the same way. Think about it, if it truly reverted us to six years of age, how would you still have your memories of being a teen?”

“I kind of assumed it just…happened. Like, why wouldn’t I since it’s still me?” But now that she pointed it out, that was a good point.

Ai rapped her knuckles on Conan’s forehead. “Your brain didn’t change even if everything else did. You’ve had to have noticed some things.”

Conan rubbed at his forehead, scowling. “Of course I did or I wouldn’t have asked. I didn’t keep my muscle tone when I got smaller, but I kept my reflexes. My brain sometimes still forgets I’m small, though I’m mostly used to that by this point.”

“You kept your adult teeth,” Ai said, “and your brain and everything that entails. Memory, which I suppose must include some muscle memory, the pre-existing mental patterns you had, and all the chemical processes the brain controls.”

“It’s a good thing it kept the patterns or I’d be screwed.” Conan couldn’t imagine trying to re-learn all of his detective knowledge. It had taken him a lifetime to get there, and it would have taken even longer starting as Conan without his parents teaching him new things when they went on trips. “And you wouldn’t be able to work on the apotoxin at all.”

“We’d be normal children,” Ai said, “albeit with some interesting memories. If any of it gives you trouble though, let me know and I’m sure I can find a work around.”

“I’ve been fine so far?” Conan said.

Ai gave him an unimpressed look. “There are things a six year old body isn’t quite equipped for.”

Conan gave her a blank look.

“You aren’t dense, Kudo. When I said your brain retained its chemical processes that included libido.”

“Oh.” He blushed. He blushed darker as he remembered a few… distinct moments since he became Conan that he hadn’t even questioned at the time. Because why would he since he was himself in his head?

Ai rolled her eyes. “Right. So if that becomes unmanageable, I can figure something out.”

“…Why would it be unmanageable?”

“You’re a teenage boy?”

They stared at each other and Conan connected certain stereotypes about teenage boys with himself and yelped. “I’m not that bad!” In fact, that particular…issue…had barely come up (why, word choice, why). “That wasn’t a big issue before I shrunk in the first place!” That was more personal information than he wanted Ai to know but why not? She knew almost everything else about his bodily functions by this point after all the tests she put him through. He hadn’t been this embarrassed since Ran tried to take a bath with him. And oh, that had been a reaction he shouldn’t have had too… Although… now that he thought of it, it had been mostly mental…?

Conan froze, turning that over in his head. He’d definitely felt both embarrassed and aroused at the time. But he had barely reacted physically. “Um.”

“Yes?” Ai asked, watching the progress of emotions on his face.

“Nothing.”

She gave him an unimpressed glower. “I’m technically your doctor these days. You never know what might be important to figuring out the apotoxin.”

Conan squirmed, looking away. “I really would rather not talk about that kind of thing with you.”

“Ah, so there are sexual side effects.” A pen clicked as she pulled out a notebook. “Talk.”

“Haibara,” Conan whined, pleading.

She lifted an eyebrow. “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

“I don’t want to know yours!”

“I don’t care about yours, but it really might be important.”

Conan groaned into his hands. “I don’t know if I can physically get aroused,” he said finally.

“…That’s it?”

“I mean, I can mentally feel it, but I can’t remember much physical reaction since shrinking.”

Ai clicked the pen a few times with a hum. “Theoretically, your body is a child’s so there could be a mental-physical disconnect. But. Your brain has the hormones to process stimulation, and signal physiological responses, so…”

“So?”

“So you might have a bit more trouble, but it should still be possible to experience the physical side.” She gave him a contemplative look. “You never noticed. Not once?”

“I don’t… feel or do that much. Even as a teenager.”

“Huh.” She made a couple of marks on the paper. “Noted. If anything changes about that, tell me.” Conan would rather go through another apotoxin transformation. “In the meantime, maybe experiment to see if you really can or can’t get aroused. I haven’t been having any problems.”

Conan clapped hands over his ears. “I didn’t need to know that.”

Ai rolled her eyes. “You’re not twelve and I’m not even being detailed.”

“I don’t want to think about you in anything even remotely adjacent to sexual.”

“Wow. Thanks.” She snorted though so she wasn’t actually insulted.

Conan buried his head in his hands, face on fire. Kill him now, he was never living this down. “…You realize I live with Ran, right. And sleep next to her father?”

“You shower on your own, don’t you? If not, you have your house right over there. Just say you’re visiting the professor.”

Yes because telling Ran he was visiting Agasa and then going off to try and get off in a six year old’s body wasn’t a messed up scenario at all.

Ugh.

“You know what, I think I’m going home.”

Ai gave him a look that said he was being ridiculous, and not in an endearing way. “I mean it, Kudo. Hormonal changes or the body failing to process certain chemicals could be important to working toward the cure. If your body does anything abnormal, tell me.”

“Right. Goodbye.” Conan snatched up his school bag, ignoring Ai’s sigh behind him. His face actually hurt from how hard he was blushing. He wasn’t going to think too hard on this. In fact he was going to do his best to forget it.

o*O*o

He couldn’t forget it. Conan stood under the hot shower spray trying to not think about what Ai had said and somehow coming right back around to it. He really didn’t want to think about it. But here he was. Thinking about trying to get off while Ran and her father were somewhere on the other side of the door and—while they probably wouldn’t walk in—could interrupt at any time.

Aaaaah, what was he even thinking?!

His child body had never been more ill-fitting. Looking down at himself, he felt like he didn’t belong in his own skin and even less aroused than the whole situation was already making him feel, but damn it if Ai didn’t have a point. He really wanted her to be able to make that antidote. He also really hoped that his body would be functional when she did, and he didn’t know how much had or hadn’t changed thanks to the poison beyond his obvious little problem.

Conan closed his eyes. Maybe… maybe he could fantasize. He’d done it before, when he was his real age. Not often, but he’d done it. Pictured faceless people when some inner tension got coiled up inside of him and hormones demanded attention. He’d seen plenty of bodies. Granted more than a fair share of dead ones, but he’d seen attractive bodies and pretty faces. Inviting lips and soft chests and smooth, inviting thighs.

Once, he’d thought of Ran and hadn’t been able to get through a full conversation with her for most of a week.

Now he knew exactly what she looked like without her clothing on, but it felt cheap to think of her when she didn’t know that he’d seen her. Like a betrayal of trust as if this whole situation wasn’t enough of one already. So he didn’t think of Ran. He thought of a hand touching his chest. Of kissing someone and a warm body pressed close. He thought of that hand moving down, down along his torso to his hip. His thigh. His groin.

Conan almost lost the fantasy when he touched himself. He was barely hard and didn’t fit in his hand the way he used to. It didn’t feel quite right but oh, now that he was acknowledging that it was there, he could feel that tension in him. It had built up and up and up, but there was always so much going on, so many things to distract from it. Cases. Fear. Trying to keep secrets. He licked his lips, imagined someone kissing, pressing, possessing.

Of letting go. Giving over to someone else for a moment so that it could stop. His brain could stop, the fear and waiting for the other shoe to drop could stop and he could just be for a moment. He was hard now, though it had taken longer than he remembered it ever taking and it still didn’t feel quite right.

A hand stroking—no, the image of lips curled around him, a tongue flicking out and, ah, it felt good, but not enough. He pulled on images seared in his mind from guilty internet searches and accidental glimpses. The coil grew tighter, his hand moved faster, that tension in his mind and groin growing toward a peak—

It didn’t peak though. It hit a plateau instead and Conan lost his fantasy entirely with a groan of frustration. He looked down at himself, small child body and all and wanted to cry. Or maybe yell at Haibara because he’d been fine but she’d brought this to mind and now he couldn’t even reach some kind of satisfaction.

Conan let go and took a deep breath. The water was getting cold, a sign he’d been in here far longer than he should be. He couldn’t remember what his body had been like when he was actually this age, but he knew he’d never tried something like this then. Hadn’t even thought about it until the end of middle school and hearing other boys talk got him curious.

This probably wasn’t normal though.

Probably.

Theoretically he should be able to reach orgasm, but right now, whatever he needed to tip over the edge just wasn’t there.

Conan grabbed the soap and finished washing. There was frustration of more than one kind simmering in the back of his mind, but nothing was going to be done about it now. Sure enough, after a few minutes, he got soft again too. He wrapped up in a big fluffy towel feeling betrayed all over again by this child body. Worse, he’d have to tell Ai if he wasn’t able to get it to work right. Damn it.

“Conan?” came a knock on the door. Ran. “You’ve been in there a long time, are you okay?”

“Fine, Ran-neechan!” he called back, forcing his voice light and even. “I’ll be right out!”

He was just going to have to try again, wasn’t he?

Conan didn’t want to (but kind of did. Damn it.)

o*O*o

Subsequent attempts did not go better. If anything, Conan was finally beginning to understand what some of his classmates on the football team meant when they complained about being horny. For the first time in his life, he couldn’t simply take care of the problem, and, like that fact was causing a dam, it just grew instead of settling back to the recesses of his mind like it usually did. It was awful. How did people live regularly feeling like this? He kind of wanted to scrub his mind for how often it kept wandering back to something dirty. Or have some kind of censor because he spent most of his time around elementary students and even if they couldn’t read his mind, it just wasn’t the setting for any of those sorts of thoughts.

He couldn’t help fidgeting through class after the first week of experimentation, and he could really live without the knowing looks Ai gave him too often for his peace of mind.

This was all her fault. He hadn’t been having any issues before this. Dammit, Ai.

He scowled down at his phone, at the two week mark, and broke. Because he had to eventually. So, he wrote, there may be a problem.

With what? Ai texted back an agonizing three minutes later.

You know what.

Clarification, Kudo. There’s always some kind of problem with you.

He kind of hated that she was right about that too. Either he was sick or there was a case or there was a Black Org sighting or… or who even knew what with his luck. He was amazed Ran wasn’t getting suspicious about all the long baths and showers he’d taken lately.

There might be a problem with this body, he sent back. Then, because he knew she’d press the point, sexually.

There was another uncomfortably long gap that he knew she was making him suffer purposely. Okay, what’s the problem?

Conan shut his eyes a moment, so very glad that this wasn’t face to face or over phone. I can’t orgasm.

At all?

It just plateaus. It’s also difficult to get a physical reaction in the first place. It kind of stings to add that, but she did need to know. This would be so much easier if she was an actual doctor, not a friend/ally who happened to have a sliver of medical knowledge.

Perhaps there’s a problem with your receptors? Have you had issues feeling other kinds of pleasure?

Hmm, did he have trouble with pleasure? Well, he was frequently stressed out of his mind because he didn’t know if people would come back to kill him properly, he was living a double life, he was stuck in grade school again, and he’d seen more death since becoming Conan than he’d seen in all the time he’d been a practicing detective before that. Really, Ai, what kind of a question was that? I still feel happy sometimes and enjoy food if it’s good I guess, what kind of pleasure do you even mean?

Sometimes, hmm?

He rolled his eyes. Shut up, you know exactly what crap I’m dealing with.

Which is why I asked, because you might be depressed, and that’s an entirely different issue than the apotoxin.

I’m not depressed. Probably. He still felt motivated to do the things he enjoyed. More or less. He liked cases. Though was that really enjoyment sometimes or compulsion because he knew he could help? Same difference really. I might have mild PTSD though, he admitted.

Don’t we all, Ai said with her typical dark humor.

Well, considering the number of bodies they’d seen and people who’d tried to kill them, any of the people in his friend groups really. Hmm. Not much of a joke when you got down to it. There was so much fuel for nightmares his psyche couldn’t even settle on anything half the time, just horrible anxious feelings and hazy, bloody images.

Have you tried internal stimulation?

Conan flushed. He wasn’t going to talk about his masturbation habits with Ai. He just wasn’t.

When he didn’t answer, she sent, I’ll take that as a no, you’re too vanilla to consider that an option. Try it. It might help.

I hate you, he sent back.

You don’t.

He turned off his phone and buried his face in a pillow. It didn’t do much to properly muffle his frustrated yell though, and he had Ran poking her head in a few moments later looking concerned.

“Just… trying a stress relief method Mitsuhiko suggested,” Conan said weakly.

“Do you need to talk about it?” Ran asked in that worried, motherly way she always had when she addressed Conan’s needs.

It never failed to make him feel like a horrible person for both hiding who he was and for hating how her kindness made him feel stifled. “I’m good,” Conan said. “We just have to give a speech in class next week and I’m a bit nervous.”

“Well you can practice telling it to me if that helps,” Ran said giving him a kind smile. “Practice will probably help more than yelling into pillows.”

Conan laughed. “Ah, yeah. Thanks Ran-neechan.”

“Anytime, Conan-kun.”

Conan thunked his head back into the pillow once she walked out. Maybe he could suffocate himself with it.

o*O*o

He wasn’t avoiding trying Ai’s suggestion. He just was…busy. Also where the heck was he going to get lubricant for that sort of thing? He was seven. (Ok, yes there was oil and lotion available. Still. Ai. Why?)

Conan put it all out of his mind for the moment—as much as the sudden flare of hormones allowed him to at any rate—and focused on the cases that never stopped coming. He was honestly just glad that they weren’t all murders for once. Kogoro had been hired on a string of theft related cases that had somehow led to chasing a trail out of Tokyo and into Osaka, so Conan wasn’t the least bit surprised when he ran into Hattori.

“Ya could’ve called,” Hattori complained, having more or less kidnapped Conan in the name of bonding after the case finally wrapped up. “I haven’t got to hang out with you in ages.”

“It hasn’t even been a full month,” Conan said. He sipped at his illicit coffee, glad that Ran wasn’t here to complain that it might stunt his growth. Caffeine, sweet caffeine.

“Ages,” Hattori said like Conan hadn’t spoken at all. “And ya look kinda stressed. Too many cases?”

Conan snorted. “I wish.” The more he kept busy the less he thought about any of his problems. “A new water park opened a week ago.”

“Yeah?” Hattori said, raising an eyebrow as he tried to connect how that was related to anything.

“Sonoko thought it would be fun to take Ran and Ran invited all the Shounen Tantei.”

“And?” Hattori asked, propping his chin on a hand. “Sounds like a fun time.”

Conan pressed his hands under his glasses to massage at his eyes. He was so drained. “Ran in a swimsuit,” Conan said. And Ai giving him those stupid ‘I know exactly what you’re thinking’ looks the whole time. And Ayumi trying to drag him around and the hormonal part of his brain that suddenly was noticing attractive features pointing out all the exposed skin around him. It had been awful.

Hattori snickered. “Really. Yer stressed cuz you saw Nee-chan in a swimsuit. How many times have ya seen her in one by this point?”

“It’s not funny. I wasn’t—”

“Wasn’t…?”

He glared between his fingers. “I wasn’t hormonal then and there was always a case to distract me. No one died or had something stolen or got lost or anything this time.”

Hattori laughed at him. “Ya know it’s kind of sad that you haveta put it like that.”

“You know what I mean.” Hattori ran into cases often enough even if it wasn’t as often as Conan.

“Yeah, yeah. So what, right now yer ‘hormonal’?”

“Yes,” Conan grit out between his teeth. “Don’t make fun of me for it.”

“Wasn’t gonna,” Hattori said, but he still had the edge of a smile on his face. “Didn’t know ya could get hormonal.”

“Honestly, I didn’t even think about it until Haibara brought it up. Apparently our brains are still our real age? So that includes all the chemical responses of a more mature brain…”

“So hormones. Damn. That sucks,” Hattori said.

“You have no idea.”

“Kinda surprised ya didn’t notice until she brought it up though.”

Conan rolled his eyes. “Hattori. You know me. Attraction is not the first thing on my mind.”

“Not even when you’re with Nee-chan?”

“I live with her. How the hell would I function if that was always on my mind? Besides, she treats me like I’m actually seven. It would be really weird if it was on my mind when she’s acting motherly.”

Hattori snorted.

Conan glared. “No. Shut up.”

“Kinky,” Hattori said between snickers.

“Like you think about that kind of thing all that often. I mean it’s normal to think about other things more, right?”

Hattori shrugged. “I dunno. I mean I don’t think about it a ton, but some hot person walks by and bam, brain goes a certain direction. Not like I’m gonna do anything about it, but it happens.”

“Is everyone just going around horny all the time?” Conan asked and Hattori outright started laughing at him again. “This really isn’t funny.”

“It totally is.” Hattori wiped away a fake tear and Conan contemplated dumping the rest of his coffee on him. But that would be a waste of perfectly good illicit coffee. “I mean, not everyone is, but I betcha a lot of people think about it all the time even when they’re not around a hot person.”

“Ugh.”

“That’s life.”

“Ugh,” Conan said with more feeling. He buried his face in his coffee for a few moments while Hattori dug himself out of the situation’s apparent hilarity.

“So,” Hattori said, clearly trying to be serious again. “Yer havin’ a swimsuit kinda problem.”

“I’m having a ‘I can’t get off’ kind of problem,” he grumbled under his breath.

“Wait, really?”

“Really.”

“Haibara thinks it might be a side effect of the whole…” He waved a hand at himself. “But I still have hormones. So there’s no outlet.”

“Ya tried…” Hattori made a discreet jerking motion.

“No, because I’d never think of that. Of course I tried.” His face heated up. It was almost as bad as talking to Ai about this, but at least Hattori was a guy.

“Not ta be crude but, uh, can ya… y’know?” Hattori waved a hand vaguely in a way that could have meant anything from ‘take flight’ to the more implied ‘have sex’.

“In theory?” He was not going to share that Ai apparently had no trouble satisfying her own hormonal urges. Ugh.

“Did ya try, uh…” Another crude hand gesture, Hattori glancing around and hoping no one caught that.

“…If you’re asking if I tried having sex with someone no, what the hell. If you mean ‘internal stimulation’,” Conan said, mimicking how Ai had made the suggestion, “also not really. I er, attempted a few times but.” Either he was just really bad at this or he wasn’t doing it right. Or maybe he just had a bad angle. Or maybe it really just wasn’t his thing.

“Really?” Hattori finally blushed a bit. “It can be kinda nice.”

Conan was learning too much about his friends. Too much. “I’ll take your word for that. My only impression is ‘awkward and uncomfortable’.”

“Then ya aren’t doing it right.”

“Sure.”

“Seriously,” Hattori said. “It takes a bit of practice but it’s good.”

“Unless you’re offering a demonstration, I’ll really just take your word for it,” Conan said with a snort. Hattori went bright red and choked on air. Conan blinked. “That. Wasn’t an offer was it?”

“I—No, that—You!” Hattori coughed.

Conan raised an eyebrow. Huh. “You wouldn’t happen to be interested in giving a demonstration would you?”

“Uh!” Hattori looked like he was dying. Conan hadn’t realized he could blush that bright with his darker skin. He also hadn’t realized Hattori could possibly be interested that way because, well, Conan was seven physically.

“Really.”

“Oh my god, I swear I’m not a perv,” Hattori said into his hands.

“This conversation is really making it feel like the opposite.”

“It’s not how ya look, it’s just. You.”

“Me.”

“You.” Hattori scowled at him, angry and embarrassed and probably a little turned on considering the topic.

And Conan realized he himself wasn’t entirely uninterested. Which was a novelty. It wasn’t like he didn’t notice men. He had certainly noticed the fitter men at the water park the other day. It was just that he was used to pushing that to the side along with most other things like that. They were pretty bodies and it didn’t really mean much if they were male or female at the end of the day. They didn’t mean much to him when they were strangers. But this was Hattori and he was, objectively speaking, an attractive man. Conan had seen him shirtless more than once. He had very nice shoulders.

“Huh.”

“Shut it, Kudo, don’t make this weird.”

“I think it’s already pretty weird.” Conan sat back and finished the last of his coffee. Huh. Maybe he should be expanding his fantasies a little. Ran wasn’t the only person he knew with nice legs and arms. “Asking seriously, would you be interested?” Because maybe that was the missing piece. Maybe he just couldn’t get off to his own hand, and if anyone could look at him and see Shinichi in Conan, it would be Hattori who was constantly forgetting to call him by his fake name anyway. “It wouldn’t be too uncomfortable?”

“I mean…” Hattori eyed him. “Yer not really…”

“I know.” Being physically a child was a turn off. He got that.

“Like, ya have a great brain and I know yer hot as hell as a teen. It’s a bit… ya know.”

“I know.” Conan sighed. “You wouldn’t have to touch or anything, I’d seriously just take a demonstration. And be grateful if you could get me some actual lube.”

“Oh my god, Kudo what the hell have ya been trying to use?”

“Lotion.”

“Well there’s a chunk of yer problem.” Hattori sat up. His blush faded a bit as he gave it serious thought. Conan found that expression a lot nicer than his embarrassed one. Conan could appreciate Hattori for his brain too. “So how likely is it that Nee-chan’d let ya stay an extra day, just you and me?”

“I mean if I pitch it right, I’m sure she’d agree.” Ran was susceptible to Conan’s puppy eyes.

“Then I could probably show ya a few things. If yer actually serious.” The blush creeped back and Conan had to smile.

“I’d appreciate it,” he said. “I mean I would like to get off considering how long it’s been,” he said wryly.

“Not even once since…?”

“Nope.”

“Well damn, no wonder ya get so bummed.”

“Because the life or death pressure and dead bodies have nothing to do with it,” Conan said sarcastically.

Hattori snorted. “Ok, Kudo, we’ll make this happen.”

“Yay,” Conan said in a flat voice that made Hattori snicker more. “I can’t believe I’m going to do this.”

“You and me both,” Hattori said. He stood up. “C’mon, let’s go convince Nee-chan.”

o*O*o

They got their shirts off before they hit the first stall, Hattori sending Conan’s bare torso an uncomfortable look.

It could have been the scars; Conan had a lot of them for someone who looked seven, one even matching Hattori’s but he knew it was an age thing, not a body image thing. “Is this going to be a problem?” Conan asked, stepping out of his shorts.

“No,” Hattori said too quickly. “No, it’s fine. I’m just gonna…” He dropped his own pants, leaving them puddled on the floor and stood there in his boxers fidgeting.

“Uh huh.” Conan left his underwear for now. Hattori was uncomfortable enough at the moment. “How are we doing this?”

“Uh.” Hattori scratched at his cheek. “I can show ya how I, y’know. Or ya could try how you’ve been doing it and I can try ta figure out where ya went wrong…”

Either way required one of them to put themselves on display. Conan flushed lightly. It had kind of been a given that this had to happen, but it didn’t make him any less flustered. He’d never done this before. Heck, he’d never really even had a first kiss. That, Conan realized, he wanted to remedy before they did anything. He’d thought that if he did anything like this he’d do it with Ran, but doing this with Hattori wasn’t bad. He trusted Hattori. He didn’t like him the way he did Ran, but he did like him or he wouldn’t be here at all.

Conan bit his lip. “Can I…”

“Yeah?” Hattori looked relieved that Conan was taking the lead.

Conan waved him closer, a little annoyed, not for the first time, that there was such a large height difference when he was like this. “I know we didn’t really talk about this being anything but a demonstration. But would you mind if I kissed you?”

Hattori blinked, face dusting red. “That’s… Yeah, sure, go ahead.”

Oh good. Conan reached up and Hattori bent almost double. Conan made a tiny sound of irritation wishing Hattori had a Western bed instead of a futon because it would have evened the distance a little bit. A second later, Hattori helpfully fell to his knees, still taller, but at least a reasonable amount instead of twice his size. He had a tiny smirk on his face and Conan was torn between gratitude and irritation. He pushed it aside in favor of the kiss.

He didn’t know what kissing was supposed to feel like, hundreds of descriptions couldn’t really prepare him for the actual feeling of it, but it wasn’t bad. His lips felt too sensitive and it was somehow startling when he felt Hattori’s lips move against his, the sense of space past them and the surprising realization that where there was less give meant Hattori’s teeth were there. It wasn’t really a romantic kiss at all, but he still pulled back with his heart beating faster and face feeling hot.

It was probably weird for Hattori too since Conan was so much smaller, but he just grinned and leaned in for another kiss. This one was wetter. It should have been gross, but it wasn’t. Conan felt pinned in place even though the only parts of them touching were their lips and one of Hattori’s hands on his face, Conan’s own hands having fallen away as he got lost in trying to categorize the sensation.

“So,” Hattori said when they pulled away again, voice just a bit rougher, “how are we doing this?”

Watch Hattori or Hattori watching him? “You can start,” Conan said after a moment, licking his lips nervously. It left a tingly feeling behind, still too sensitive from the kiss.

Hattori shot him a grin that looked equally nervous, but went reaching in a cupboard for a bottle. It was half full, and clearly lube. Conan blinked at it as Hattori set it next to his futon. “I’m taking my unders off. Just warning ya.”

And then Conan was blinking because he was staring at Hattori’s cock, already half-mast even though they’d only barely kissed. Maybe Hattori was into voyeurism? Hattori was average size, but his cock looked bigger given Conan’s current circumstances, and he had an impulse to reach out and touch just to confirm how it felt compared to his own. They hadn’t agreed to that though, so Conan let his eyes flick back up to Hattori’s face, hands flexing once as he buried the desire to touch.

“Not scaring ya off, is it?” Hattori joked. He shifted foot to foot before going back on his knees. “I told ya I’d show ya how to do it. And first things first, don’t start if yer not already turned on.”

Conan’s breath caught in his throat as Hattori reached down and stroked himself. There was a light blush on his cheeks but his eyes were locked on Conan’s. His cock swelled with each pass of his hand to fully erect.

“Second,” Hattori said, a bit breathless. He let go and reached for the bottle. “Lube. Lotion’s fine for jerking off but it ain’t cutting it for fingering.” A snap of the bottle opening and Conan twitched. Oh, he realized as he felt heat in his gut. Oh, he was into this too. It was the fastest he’d felt aroused since becoming a child again, even more so than that bath with Ran. Maybe because this actually was a sexual situation and he’d spent that whole time then reminding himself that it wasn’t. He pressed a palm against his crotch as Hattori dribbled lube over his fingers. Still not hard, Conan thought, but he would get there fast at this rate. It was like his body actually wanted to synch with his mind at the moment.

Hattori went to reach behind himself, paused and turned to the side so he was actually visible. The blush on his face went darker. “So. Ya gotta take it at your own pace. If it’s hurting it’s not going right. ‘S supposed ta be an indulgence, not a race.” He took a moment to circle his hole with a finger before just dipping the tip of a finger in, then repeated that, slowly getting deeper each pass. Okay that was the first thing Conan had been doing wrong then. Apparently you didn’t just make sure your finger was slick and go for it. Or at least not if you didn’t do that kind of thing regularly. He supposed some people would have no trouble with it, but he wasn’t one of them.

“When that feels good ya can add more,” Hattori said. He bit his lip, seeming to be enjoying the whole process. “Uh, what number’re we on?”

“Third?” Conan said, though Hattori had kind of stopped counting in the middle there.

“Right. Third. Is yer prostate.” Hattori shifted a bit, pressing at a different angle, deeper, and his breath stuttered. Conan could see his cock jump. “It’s. If ya get deeper and at the right angle, everything feels a lot better. Kinda intense. Like a shock in a good way or something.”

In spite of himself, Conan snorted. “Eloquent.”

“Shut it, I have two fingers up my ass. I’m not exactly talking clear-headed.” He gave a little groan of pleasure, knees bracing a little bit wider. “It’s good,” Hattori said. His shoulder and arm muscles bunched, straining to get the best angle and his eyes drifted half shut, something between pleasure and concentration on his face.

Conan was very aware of the fact that he was standing there, watching one of his best friends get off. Hattori, who’d never hesitated to touch him or treat him like an equal even though he was in this body. When Hattori gasped, hips shifting into open air, a thin whine came from Conan’s throat. He ground his hand against where he was finally hard.

“Y’know,” Hattori said roughly, “the whole point is fer you ta do it. Much as I like ya watching.” He tossed a wink at the end and Conan’s face went hot.

“Uh.”

With the hand not up his ass, Hattori tossed the bottle of lube Conan’s way. Conan fumbled it, managing to grab it just before it hit the floor.

He fumbled the cap open and pulled down his underwear. He froze when he noticed Hattori glance him up and down. There was a flash of conflict on his face before it smoothed over. Conan internally grimaced. Of course this body would be a problem. Still, Hattori didn’t look away as Conan reached back. He tried to replicate what Hattori had been doing, but it was still awkward and the angle didn’t make it any easier.

“Try on yer knees or stomach if standing’s a problem,” Hattori said.

Conan shot him a frown, but got on his knees. It was a little easier to balance at least, if no easier to reach. The dull pressure of a finger was no more pleasurable than the last time he tried this, but it didn’t hurt either, so the lube was good for something.

“Yer too tense,” Hattori said, voice low and intimate. Conan flushed at the sound. He’d never really thought about what books meant with a sex-voice, but if there was one, Hattori currently had it.

“I can’t help it,” Conan muttered.

“Look at me. Ya were a lot more comfortable watching. So watch and don’t focus too hard.”

Conan almost rolled his eyes. Watch, don’t watch, pay attention, don’t. Hattori was being contradictory. But it was easier to focus on how the slow movement of Hattori’s hand made something in his gut clench and the intent way Hattori was watching him. Hattori’s free hand reached up to stroke his erection, still watching Conan and still moving his other hand behind him. Conan bit his lip and tried to work in another finger in hopes it would feel better.

“Too fast,” Hattori said.

“Shut up, I’m trying,” Conan mumbled. He tried a slightly different angle. Still nothing and he was getting frustrated which made him tenser which made the whole thing less comfortable.

Hattori sighed and removed both hands and wiped them on his discarded underwear. “Here. Just lemme…” He paused, hands reaching for Conan, to assess if he was welcome or not.

Conan huffed and closed the distance. Hattori’s hands settled on his hips. “If you think you can.”

“I got ya, Kudo,” Hattori said softly and Conan shivered as the words were breathed against his ear. The hands lifted and there was the pop of the lube cap before they returned, one on his hip, one carefully sliding up his crack. Conan twitched, not sure if he wanted to move away from the feeling or not, and Hattori waited, moved again.

It was strange being touched by someone else, but good strange. Conan sucked in a breath as Hattori pressed a finger. But didn’t enter. He kept skirting the area and pressing just enough that Conan’s body felt like it wanted him to just press in because it was confusing his nerve ends on what was even going on. When the finger finally did press in it was smooth and steady forward pressure that left Conan gasping and leaning against Hattori’s chest.

Hattori chuckled sending vibration along Conan’s skin. “Better?” he asked, smug.

“Ah,” Conan managed between suddenly labored breaths. Hattori had bigger fingers by far, but that didn’t hurt. Just one finger wasn’t that much bigger than the two Conan had managed, but it felt far better. Maybe it was because Hattori was slower, or maybe because he knew what he was doing. Or maybe it was because it was Hattori doing it at all, Conan didn’t know—he just knew that it felt good. Hattori pulled back then forward again, deeper and a slightly different angle and Conan dug fingernails into Hattori’s sides as something intense shot through his body like touching a live wire. “Hmmm!”

“Yeah, that’s yer prostate. It’s nice. Kinda a lot of feeling but the good kind, yeah?”

Was it good? Was it bad? Conan was harder than ever and he still wasn’t sure if that had been pleasant or just overwhelming but whichever it was he wanted to feel it again to try to figure it out. Thankfully Hattori pressed along that spot again, leaving Conan open mouthed and panting as he clung, trying to piece together what the hell that feeling even was.

The internal coil went tighter, tighter, and surely this time it would peak? Surely? Or plateau like before? But the feeling kept rising until his whole body felt hypersensitive and he was shaking, barely upright thanks to Hattori in front of him, and Conan’s mind was a blank mess of desire and physical pleasure. Conan didn’t even notice one finger become two or the soft swear Hattori muttered as he shifted to better support Conan’s weight. He just hung on, eyes glaze and chest pulling for breaths.

“Shit, Kudo,” Hattori murmured, his free hand hesitating a moment before reaching down Conan’s front and Conan moaned, embarrassingly high pitched in this form, even before Hattori’s callused fingers brushed against his cock.

It was almost painful, but in that too-good-almost-pain edge way that he’d only ever felt once when he was curious about the concept of multiple orgasms and had attempted to keep going after release. That time he’d stopped, that edge wavering too much on the pain side to continue, but this time it wasn’t his hands, so it didn’t stop and slipped decidedly more toward good.

His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest, or maybe he’d pass out from how fast he was breathing because surely bodies weren’t supposed to get this worked up?

Hattori pressed inside him and ran a thumb along the head of Conan’s cock at just the right pressure to tip, finally, fully, over the edge. He barely slammed a hand over his mouth to hold in the sound he would have made, then his mind was wonderfully blank.

Conan came back to himself feeling like he’d tried to chase Kid a mile over rooftops without any aid from the Professor’s gadgets. Everything had a burning ache of muscles well-used and his mind felt like it was floating. “Ugh,” he managed.

Hattori snorted from somewhere to his right; Conan was too exhausted to look. “Is that a good sound or a bad one?”

“It’s a ‘I don’t think I can move’ one.” He ran a quick mental evaluation of how he felt and, okay, the buzzing edge of frustration was finally finally gone. Thank goodness. “Probably good. I feel like I tried to climb the Tokyo Tower barehanded.”

Hattori snorted again. Conan finally turned his head to find his friend leaning on one elbow beside him, still a bit turned on, like he’d been sitting there a while and hadn’t decided whether or not to finish or forget about it. “It looked pretty intense. Told ya it could feel good though.”

“Mmn.” Conan sat up slowly. Ow. Sore. …Down there sore too. Either Conan had unintentionally got way too into that (he kind of had) or Hattori had been a little too rough for his size (equally possible). He grimaced. It didn’t hurt, just. He was aware of the ache. “I actually came so that’s something.”

“Hell yeah it is,” Hattori said with a grin.

“Don’t be smug at me.”

“You’re really grumpy for a guy that just had the best orgasm of his life.”

“It was overwhelming,” Conan said. “But thanks. Really.”

“No problem.” Hattori kept grinning.

Conan eyed him. “Aren’t you going to finish?”

“I could,” Hattori said with a shrug. “But this was more about you than me.”

“Did me being in this body bother you that much?”

“I mean,” Hattori lifted an eyebrow glancing at Conan’s still naked body. “It’s not a turn on. Ya losing control? That was kinda hot. And the way you said my name.” Conan had said his name? He blushed. “You watching was pretty hot too. It kinda broke even on ‘wow, hot’ and ‘eh, kinda creepy’ factors.”

“Great,” Conan said sarcastically. “Just what you want to hear after a mind blowing orgasm.”

Hattori laughed.

“I could. You know…” Conan offered with a sideways glance.

“No offense, but I think getting a hand job from ya would probably fall on the creepy end of the spectrum. Hands’re too small.”

Conan huffed. He hated feeling like he wasn’t being fair and reciprocal.

“But if it’s not too weird, look me in the eyes until I come and that’d be hot.” Hattori blushed a bit, ruffling the back of his hair. “It’s, uh, it’s just that yer eyes show you and not yer body and. Wow I’m putting my foot in my mouth.”

Conan smiled slowly. “I can do that. How do you want to…?”

“However yer comfortable,” Hattori said a bit too quickly.

Conan levered himself closer catching Hattori’s face between his hands. “This good?”

“Yeah,” Hattori said looking a bit stunned. “Yeah that’s fine.”

On a whim, Conan kissed him and felt the way Hattori shivered full bodied from it. There was the slick sound of his hand moving, but Conan didn’t look away as Hattori’s eyelids fluttered or how his expression subtly changed with pleasure.

“Kudo,” Hattori moaned under his breath.

Conan ran a hand against his jaw and back toward the edge of his hairline. “I’ve got you.”

Hattori groaned, probably louder than he intended, and went rigid against Conan’s side. His eyes fluttered shut, then back open a minute later as a deep blush spread across his face. “Shit.”

Conan smirked. “That good?”

“Shut up, Kudo,” Hattori said, pressing his face into Conan’s knees.

It was pretty flattering how fast he came, Conan reflected. Although he had a feeling Hattori didn’t want him to think too much about how the intimacy contributed to that.

“Ugh, we need to go take a bath now.”

“Won’t someone notice us bathing in the middle of the day?”

“I’ll just say I was showing you some kendo moves. They’d believe it.” Hattori pulled away and Conan found himself surprised to miss the warmth.

He pushed that thought away though. “Hey, Hattori?”

“Mm?” Hattori fished out clothing to wear to and from the bath, cleaning himself off a bit with his discarded shirt from earlier.

“Thanks.”

Hattori sent a grin over his shoulder and a wink. “Anytime, Kudo.”

o*O*o

“So,” Conan said to Ai, not really wanting to broach the topic but as usual knowing he should. “It turns out I can function. Sexually speaking?”

“Oh?” Ai didn’t even turn away from her spreadsheet to look at him. Talking about sex was just something they did now, Conan thought with wry humor.

“Yeah. It just takes a lot of stimuli to reach that.”

“I’ll make note of that,” she said. “There still might be a few issues about your brain properly receiving signals.” She turned toward him with a smirk on her face that had him wanting to duck under the nearest table. “Should I congratulate you on finally reaching orgasm?”

Conan went scarlet. “Haibara!”

She laughed. “No need to be shy, it’s not like we haven’t talked about worse things. Can I ask what finally worked?”

“NO,” Conan said. He turned to leave because nope, no, not having this talk.

“Oh, that kinky?”

“I hate you.”

“You don’t.” Ai’s voice followed him out the door. “Oh, and Kudo? If anything else crops up, tell me. Anything at all.”

“Understood!”

He was avoiding her for a while. He really was. But at least he’d gotten something out of all this awkwardness. Hattori was a good friend. Who maybe was slightly more than a friend? There was time to figure out exactly where they all stood with that. Later. And, well, if Conan kind of wanted to see how it would feel in his teenage body someday…

He had a feeling Hattori would take him up on that.

#detective conan #conan/heiji #fanfiction #lemon #i can't believe i'm using that tag in this day and age #but hey #my writing

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auburnflight · 5 years

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Height & Character Dynamics/Psychology: Tiger and Ox

Earlier, I realized offhandedly that most of my favorite duos in anime are about the same height. But in Juni Taisen, the dynamic between Tiger and Ox is one of my favorites... and contrary to what I’ve been drawn to previously in anime, their height is SO DIFFERENT! Why would the character designer do this?!

(The perspective in this screenshot is a little exaggerated, but essentially, their difference in height is 27 cm, or almost a foot.)

It started out as a silly question that I didn’t put much weight into, because I thought I was just momentarily frustrated at how hard it was to draw them into the same composition. But as I considered it, it became an interesting exercise in exploring character design, and specifically how the dynamics within and between characters are manifested visually. It’s almost certainly intentional, since when you have a group of interdependent characters, it’s important to consider how they look and visually play off one another when standing next to one another.

To put it briefly, I realized that in my other favorite anime duos, the two characters are meant to harmonize with each other. However, the dynamic between Tiger and Ox is one of stark contrast, and one way to show that visually is to make them very different in height. I’ve picked out some specific elements of their characterization for which this makes perfect sense:

Most obviously, and tackling them individually first: the decision to design Tiger and Ox in this way might be related to their standings as warriors, and to their self-esteem.

Ox is probably the most highly regarded and feared out of the twelve warriors in Juni Taisen. He’s very sure of and confident in himself, even too much so. He is also one of the tallest characters in the series, second only to Horse. Meanwhile, nobody is really intimidated by Tiger (especially not Ox in the scene who appears entirely unfazed by her attempts to provoke him). And Tiger has low self-esteem, describing herself in the dub as a “good-for-nothing” and “cursed.” Just knowing these details, having Ox be very tall and imposing, and Tiger be average-to-short, makes logical sense.

As they interact in the series and are forced to form an alliance, a direct comparison between them also comes into question. And just as their heights are drastically different, their characteristics are immediately at odds: Ox is proud, cautious and systematic; meanwhile, Tiger is shameless, volatile and unpredictable. They don’t seem to match at all; rather, there is a clear friction in their personalities and in their ways of fighting. Their two characters are, in their essence, dynamic and contrasting, as opposed to harmonious. This makes it even more interesting when they’re able to work together more or less in sync.

Going a layer deeper, the visual contrast as it relates to height could also reinforce how they were/are in different places in their character arcs and personal growth. In her past, Tiger is repeatedly described in the novel as halting or regressing in mental age as she struggles. And she strives to become someone like Ox, who apparently understands far more than she does about being a warrior. In other words, she is now aiming for a point above her, which Ox occupies.

Tiger phrases this in her backstory as being like the difference “between an adult and a child.” And in terms of their design and their proportions, Tiger appears small and childlike when juxtaposed with someone of Ox’s stature. Tiger’s head appears larger relative to her body size. Meanwhile, Ox has a very smooth silhouette; the design of his clothes emphasizes his upper body and makes his legs appear longer; and his horns make him effectively even taller - all of these are visual elements that add to his height.

(Strangely, when they do meet again, Ox looks like he hasn’t changed at all, whereas Tiger has changed so much that he doesn’t even recognize her. Perhaps she hasn’t grown any more in stature, but she’s fought her fair share of internal battles.)

My character design professor also mentioned that highly energetic, “spunky” characters tend to be either very tall or very short. While Tiger isn’t the shortest in the series, she appears quite small when placed next to Ox. And she is indeed a lively character, even more so in contrast to his composed disposition (When she declares herself, she uses the phrase ikioi, which means “vigor, energy, spirit”).

These two do have underlying similarities, buried under layers that we can only reach when the omniscient narrator of the series hones in on their individual thoughts. They are an unlikely duo, and in a lot of ways, they don’t fit together well. But they complement each other powerfully enough to form a team that, as Nezumi describes in the novel, is “wicked strong.” In short, giving them a considerable difference in height just makes sense when you consider how wildly different they are as characters, and helps bring out this dynamism visually.

That’s the end of my ramble for now, though I’m sure soon enough I’ll find some other detail that I just have to write on~

#juni taisen #juuni taisen #aki how many essays are you going to write on just these two #ALL OF THEM #i've already started writing commentary on all the individual designs #so that will be coming soon!!

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shsl-heck · 3 years

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A (Currently) Untitled Custom MTG Set

Okay so, this is my second attempt at typing this all up since tumblr randomly ate the first one, but for the past while I’ve been attempting to create a custom mtg set in a new plane I am tentatively naming Ecumia. This has been an on and off project but I decided to start posting updates here because I think it will be interesting to see my thought process throughout the whole thing, and also because I’m hoping it’ll motivate me to keep going. My basic idea is that it takes place on a plane starved for mana where cities have been modified to become constructs that travel the plane scrounging for what little mana they can find. The rest is going to be below a read me because it’s a long post. It has a summary of the setting, draft archetypes, mechanics and just some random thoughts on where I may go.

First I want to go ahead and go into more detail about the cities. There are five main giant cities, each of them is based on a four color mana combination. They’re all based both literally and ideologically on what color mana they lack just as much as they’re based on the colors they do have. So I guess I’ll go ahead and list them out with some explanations since they’re one of the biggest features of the world. (Sidenote: they’re all meant to be in some way terrible and corrupt.)

Zezuklet is the WUBR aligned city. It positions itself as a meritocracy, to be a prodigy in Zezuklet is the expectation. Everyone works to improve themselves and their skills to serve the city in its never ending quest for expansion and fuel. They cooperate and work together like the cogs in a machine not like people who care coming together. Black and red provide the passion for self improvement no matter the cost, blue provides the forethought and efficiency with which everything is run, and white gives the system it’s strict laws and orderly conduct. Meanwhile despite the white aspect’s focus on cooperation the lack of green mana manifests in a lack of sense of community which gives the city it’s main theme of isolation and alienation, the embodiment of society as a cold machine.

Philael is the WUBG aligned city. It’s a cult run by a council of revered priests, prophets, and theologists. It’s not the rakdos style cult though, it’s much more of the sinister sort of banality like scientology, mormonism or selesnya. The modern new life fusion way style of cult if that makes sense. Everyone is part of the family, and you don’t betray your family. If you do, then anything is fair game. Don’t worry though, family forgives. White and green create a tightknit but highly stratified and strict sense of community. Blue manifests itself in the extreme degree of mental manipulation and veiled knowledge that goes on in the running of the cult, and we see black in the cult’s policy of brutal retaliation against those that break its rules. The lack of red mana is meant to provide a sense of lacking individual identity or the ability to express oneself.

Novaesium is the WURG aligned city. In concept it’s meant to be ruled by a lineage of wise and powerful philosopher kings, however in execution the monarchs are rarely as wise and fair as one would hope. They are a regressive society who desperately tries to cling to a mythical past version of Novaesium where it was the center of culture of commerce across the plane. Anything that threatens to interfere with the return of the kingdom’s golden age is essentially considered treason. As with many of the cities white manifests in Novaesium through it’s monarchy and sense of authoritarianism and strict but arbitrary rules. Blue shows itself through the focus on subjects like classicism and focus on analyzing the past, while red lends itself to the passion and zeal to return to that past. Green ties it all together with the sense that their community is all linked together and working towards a common supposedly noble goal. Black mana when appearing in characters that aren’t villains is typically reflective of self improvement and ambition, so Novaesium’s lack of black mana is meant to reflect an inability to move beyond the dreams of the past and create something new.

Raxfada is the WBRG aligned city. In Raxfada might makes right, which means that few warlords last long thanks to the frequent invocation of trials by combat to determine who should be in charge. Despite the bloody duels and lack of formal legal system Raxfada works on a strict honor system. Families are to take eye for eye and tooth for tooth. In order to keep the city running Raxfada is in a forever war, hunting down smaller weaker cities and draining the mana from them or integrating them into the city’s mass. White and black combine to create the honor system that substitutes for rule of law with it’s focus symmetrical but swift and brutal violence. Red represents the zeal and love for battle that citizens are raised to value in order to continue the forever war, and green the philosophy of might making right, and value of raw physical strength.

Quisith is the UBRG aligned city. It runs on a parliamentary system in which many small guilds and miscellaneous groups vye for control over the parliament. People are in general highly devoted to their individual parties but deeply suspicious of all others, believing them to be plotting to take over. These fears are of course justified since nearly every single guild, secret society, etc are all planning to take over in some manner. Quisith is unique in that because it’s made up of small factions sweeping statements about philosophy are a bit harder, but in general blue and black combine to produce a very dimir-esque aspect of subterfuge and subtle conflicts and plotting between organizations. Red is meant to reflect the intensity of conflicts and constantly flaring tempers between warring factions. The lack of white means that there’s a lack of centralized authority and unity between the whole of the factions.

Now I want to move on to the draft archetypes, each of which cover a two color pairing to make them flexible enough to build in limited formats.

Azorius Artifacts takes advantage of the color pairing’s ability to control the tempo of the game while giving it tools to buff, untap, and take advantage of artifacts they play in other ways. This is probably the most control oriented draft archetype for players who are a fan of that.

Orzhov Cycling is, as the name suggests focused on cycling. Specifically it uses cycling as a means to drain life from your opponents while maintaining card selection. I have the urge to say this is probably more of a midrange deck, but honestly I could see it being built in a couple different ways.

Boros Voltron/Go Tall focuses on applying powerful buffs to a single creature with cheap spells, making it one of the more aggro focused draft archetypes. There’s really not much more to say than that.

Selesnya Toughness Matters is my attempt to make a draft archetype that takes advantage of creature’s toughness with spells that set power equal to toughness and others that reward playing high toughness creatures. Because of the focus on more defensive creatures I think this archetype could potentially turn into a stall focused one, but it is also green so who knows what people could come up with.

Dimir Self Mill seems like pretty well trodden territory (it just appeared in Theros,) but it specifically seeks to take advantage of the two new custom mechanics, Trawl, and Repurpose which both have graveyard synergy and actually give Dimir the ability to ramp. I’ll explain both those mechanics in the next section though.

Izzet Auras is not something that is traditionally thought to fit the color pairing. However on this plane I wanted auras to be a sort of magical expression of an inner truth. Similarly to how the Prismari in strixhaven view their craft as artistry, auras are considered a deeply personal and artistic form of magic which I thought fit Izzet. (I actually came up with this before strixhaven was spoiled so it was a fun surprise.) Izzet auras do things like grant card draw, firebreathing and more, making them a sort of toolbox deck.

Simic Go Wide wants to overwhelm their opponents quickly with their efficiently costed creatures and overwhelming generation of tokens. Yes, this is an aggro Simic archetype, lord forgive me.

Rakdos Self Burn obviously deals direct damage to yourself as well as opponents and permanents they control while rewarding you for lowering your own life with benefits like card draw and buffed creatures.

Golgari Repurpose is fully based around the Repurpose mechanic which grants them exceptional temporary ramp, letting them cheat out giant creatures at the cost of exiling cards from their graveyard to help pay. This is yet another archetype aiming to use new mechanics, this time with sacrifice outlets and giant beaters.

Gruul Aggro is the mother of all aggro draft decks in this list. It has a focus on cheap but strong creatures with haste, and powerful enter the battlefield effects that defeat your opponent before they can begin to pull out their own strategy.

Finally, I want to finish off with a summary of the new mechanics, and a report of my progress as of writing this.

The two main mechanics unique to this set are Trawl and repurpose. Trawl lets you mill an amount of cards and then return any lands put into your graveyard that turn to your hand. I’m still ironing out the kinks in repurpose, but essentially repurpose is a keyword on permanents that lets you exile them from your graveyard (and maybe your hand, I haven’t decided) in order to add generic mana to your mana pool.

As of right now I have around 65 of the 101 magic cards found at common in each set completed. Rough drafts of white’s common cards in the set are finished and I plan to go back over an re-edit them to add some polish after I’m done with all the commons.

Thanks for reading and hopefully this was interesting!

#magic the gathering #wizards of the coast #custom set design #mtg homebrew #mtg #Ecumia

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1295048306607 · 7 years

Text

Callout post for Rhiannon / tumblr user irl-harleyquinn / not-yandere-kuudere / otaku-umaru-chan

I have been planning doing this callout for a long time but I haven’t since it’s mostly personal beef between me, my boyfriend and aer. Now I’m at that point I can’t let this pass and I want aer to take responsibility of aer actions. I’m very sorry for this being so long. I’m going to make another post if I recall more.

tw for: abuse, suicide, stalking, pedophilia, incest

EDIT 12/8/2017: This post has been updated, ae has deleted some of the posts mentioned, but theres more evidence on their abusive behavior now.

Summarized version: Rhiannon has been abusing both me and my boyfriend since we met aer. Ae has sexually harassed both of us, sexually abused my boyfriend (the other callout on my byf), been generally unapologetic, copied my whole personality and done lots of bad things in general. For me ae caused episodes regularly; one time ae even ignored when I was this close to killing myself, ignored my triggers, ignored my well being in general, started copying my interests etc.

All in all ae is very abusive and this callout post is mainly made for aer to realize what ae has done wrong and try to change aer behavior in aer future relationships since straight-up telling aer doesn’t seem to help as proven by both my boyfriend’s and my experiences.

EDIT: Ae didn’t admit to any of these and lied about being sorry:

But then on my IMs (censored my irl name for obvious reasons):

NOTE: I have never done a callout post before so I dont know how to structure this well. I also don’t have lots of ‘proof’ or screenshots since I deleted our convos (most of the stuff happened on Skype) and blocked aer everywhere after breaking my ties with aer because at the time I thought ae would learn from aer mistakes, but I was wrong. Most of these are from aer blog or from what I could recover from my old blog.

1. Causing breakdowns on me, not taking me seriously, triggering me

Since I started talking with aer I got this ugly feeling inside my chest to which I probably should have listened. Ae was very clingy toward my boyfriend, ignoring that I had abandonment issues; I am diagnosed with both BPD and DPD and ae knew this. Despite this ae didn’t honestly think about my feelings at all. Below is one example of the gross things ae did to my boyfriend (which caused me to dissociate and have a panic attack) and didn’t change aer behavior even after this.

EDIT 12/8/2017: It has been revealed to me that ae used to sexually abuse my boyfriend which makes this all a lot of worse. Please check the details from my main blogs byf or on his blog.

Rhiannon also ignored me and changed subject when i was clearly in need of help or someone to vent to. This is me talking about my abusive childhood:

And this is me talking about my abusive mom in a middle of episode:

I honestly felt like ae might have been jealous about me because ae obsessed over my boyfriend so much. Me telling about my age regressing and young mental age and aer response is this:

A convo I don’t have screenshots of was me nearly killing myself and ae treated me the same as in previous convos. Ae was the only person online that late so ofc thinking ae was my friend I contacted aer. A mistake. This honestly scarred me a lot because there was a really big chance I had died that night and ae wasn’t helping me at all.

Rhiannon also talked a lot about aer sexual abuse which is kind of a triggering subject to me because of my own experiences. Ae knew this but constantly brought it up. Sometimes ae would talk sexually about my IDs which also made me have break downs. One time ae sent me a picture of aer nsfw art knowing it would make me uncomfortable. According to my boyfriend ae talked a lot about sex to him even though it made him uncomfortable.

Ae also was weirdly coming onto me even though ae knew at the time I identified as aromantic (censored my irl name again):

No Rhiannon it’s called being uncomfortable.

2. Obsessive behavior, stalking, copying, being abusive and manipulation in general, lying

Rhiannon bases all aer abusive behavior to “being mentally ill”. This is complete bullshit since ae does realize ae is being manipulative.

As mentioned before ae was really obsessed with both of us; but mainly with my boyfriend. Ae never stopped talking about my boyfriend when ae talked to me which made me frankly annoyed and triggered my abandonment issues. According to my boyfriend ae spammed him 24/7 and wanted to video chat every single day. Ae got upset if my boyfriend didn’t want to hang out with aer and during group chats commented on every single thing my boyfriend said. Ae spammed me too and after we broke our ties apparently still talked about me a lot as if we still were friends to my boyfriend which I honestly find creepy.

Aes obsessiveness sometimes got very creepy:

Even admits it:

I live in Finland and ae brought up moving here for a few times all over from America after my boyfriend which always turned alarms on inside my head. Here’s one of them and ae is making it seem like ae is half joking; ae isn’t since ae brought it up so many times (censored out my boyfriend irl name just in case):

Ae clearly didn’t notice my discomfort with this or rather didn’t want to notice. Ae also made fun of my grammar even though English isn’t my first language. My boyfriend told me later that ae was in fact a bit racist; ie. making remarks on my boyfriends ethnicity.

Rhiannon has/had?? a fp who ae was even more obsessed about and made a text post (which ae deleted after awhile) where ae wished that this person would break up so ae could be with them. This has also been confirmed by my boyfriend. Ae also admits falling in love yet another friend of aers:

Ae does stalk others too. After cutting with aer, my boyfriend blocked aer on text, facebook, twitter, tumblr, snapchat, skype and youtube, but ae still managed to reach him via pinterest with a long and hateful message.

Rhiannon admits stalking aer ex:

A really minor thing but Rhiannon used to copy my interests a lot. If I were interested in something ae was too overnight. This wouldn’t bother me as much if I didn’t have identity issues such as BPD and DID. My boyfriend noted ae did this to him too.

EDIT 12/8/2017: This wasn’t as minor as I thought it was. As I browsed through my old tumblr convo with ae I noticed that every time I told something about myself, ae seemed to become the same over night. Ae was stealing bits and pieces of my identity. I told ae about my mental health problems, ae had the same ones suddenly. I told about the fashion trend I was into, ae was suddenly into it too. I told about being an age regressor, ae was suddenly too. I id:d as bigender, ae suddenly did too! I told about being aroace at the time, ae became one as well!! My boyfriend noted that at some point suddenly aer blog was pink as was mine and reblogged and posted similar content as I did at the time even though ae had always been stating ae is goth and had dark blog before. Here is about me telling ae about how me and my alter like fairy kei:

Then later:

Ae didn’t bother even use the right terms.

Rhiannon also guilt trips a lot and threatens people with suicide. This is debatable if it’s serious or not, but every time things won’t go aer way, ae will make text posts guilt tripping how ae wants to die and how everyone abandons aer which was one of the reasons I forgave ae tons of times.

Ae also lies regularly. one example is when ae told my boyfriend aer IQ, then later admitted to lying about the number. Then again ae said ae was "lying about lying" about aer IQ. So ae is not a credible source and will likely manipulate the situation as ae sees fit.

3. Guilt tripping both of us while breaking our ties with ae

After I finally broke my ties with aer after withstanding aer behavior for almost a year, ae started guilt tripping me telling I shattered aer sense of self even though only thing I did was stopping being aer friend. I had constantly stated how ae could change aer behavior but ae never listened.

My boyfriend however got it worse. After he got fed up with aer too ae has constantly, I MEAN CONSTANTLY, been vagueing and name dropping him. My boyfriend hinted and tried to set boundaries but this didn’t help. Rhiannon is trying to paint my boyfriend as this awful backstabber even though ae was the one breaking boundaries.

Here is

A Few

Of them

WARNING!! They get really creepy, just showing how obsessed ae was with my boyfriend

Additional stuff:

Rhiannon has reblogged incest: (the characters are sisters in canon)

Rhiannon also approves a pedophilic ship:

AE REBLOGGED LITERALLY SEXUALIZATION OF A MINOR (note that ae is an adult too)

Theres a lot more in aer yoi + aer kin tag.

Ae also obsesses over an underaged character:

Ae talked a lot about this character, sexual stuff too, and it kinda freaked me out since she’s only 14.

Ae did stuff like this without our knowledge which is fucked up (note that my mom is a single parent and this freaked me out even though my responses seem calm):

Admits wanting to commit a crime????

The most recent thing ae has done is claim calling aer out on being manipulative is ableist. However, it is ableist to blame mental health for abusive behavior; this claim demonizes mentally ill people as a whole. (I edited out our names again; I’m black and my boyfriend is blue)

Not 24 hours before stating the above, ae wrote this:

Ae is showing clear hypocrisy here.

Rhiannon, please listen. All you can do now is apologize, try to change your behavior, dont make excuses blaming abusive behavior on you mental illnes. Just write an apology and then we can move on. You can’t get us back, but you still have hope for becoming a better person for your future friends. I will keep this callout up until you make a proper apology.

EDIT 12/8/2017: Since Rhiannon didn’t make an actual apology to me or my boyfriend and with the new information of ae sexually abusing my boyfriend, this post will forever be here.

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ii-thiscat-ii · 7 years

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Oooh, how about The Wizard of Lanata?

Sure. The Wizard of Lanata.

(DVD-style commentary is the single most self-indulgent thing the author has ever done and should be taken with a grain of salt and probably whiskey.)

Again, this is a story of Dipper pretending to be human. Unlike most of the others, the setting is an unimaginable amound of time in the future, probably on a different planet, in a society that has regressed to a medival type technology level.

I have repeatedly stated that I could probably write an entire novel about this story, but I won’t. What I have written was written over the course of two days during December last year, and is rushed, summarized, and probably full of typoes, but I still love it and so do many others.

It just happens to be the perfect blend of TAU and the more Pratchettian medival bizarre village stories, where strange things happen and people learn to live with them. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it and would gladly revisit it if I got a new idea.

Chapter 1

I wanted “Tyrone” to come across as somewhat fey. He was supposed to appear as something that attempted to be human, but didn’t really know what that meant, just like how his sheep seem like they kind of know what a sheep is, but not entirely.

The way it takes him a while to figure out how people are supposed to dress, the way his house materializes overnight, and the way he entirely forgets to age are all important things to have in the introduction, to establish the mood I wanted the fic to have. If there is anything I would change if I rewrote this, though, it’s his name. The whole “old man Tyrone” thing sounds nice, but doesn’t really make sense if he doesn’t look old.

Then there’s the Flock.

It was not unusual for shepherds to bring an animal or two into their houses during harsh, cold winter nights. It was stuffy and it smelled, but it was by far preferable to freezing to death.

Tyrone brought his flock into his home on a very different basis. Unrelated to the seasons, every single sheep in his corral walked into the house once a day, regularly as clockwork. No one could understand how they all fit in there, and no one could understand why, either.

When anyone dared ask, Tyrone only smiled and said, “Well, it can’t do for them to miss their reality shows, now can it?” which made no sense at all.

I always have the Flock watch reality shows if I can. It’s one of those details that are just funny in themselves. Of course, the fact that they can get reality shows in a place where TVs generally don’t exist adds another layer of unreality to the whole place.

Either they’re watching through weird time-shenanigans, or they’re actually getting shows from another planet, which honestly makes more sense.

The conclusion they ended up falling back on was the Tyrone simply did not know the proper method by which to shear a sheep. And that he should probably not be invited to any more shearing events.

Lanata’s reaction to Tyrone is probably my favourite part of the whole story. Whether he’s doing things that are blatantly impossible, having actual fair folk buy his wares at the farmers market, or having his sheep spy on people and predict the future, he’s not hurting anyone, so Lanata accepts it and moves on.

Of course, there’s also the detail that the sheep never predict the future while he’s around to see, implying that they’re taking the whole “pretending to be mortal” thing slightly less seriously than he does, and that they’re not afraid to have a little fun on his behalf.

The incident with the sheep thieves has been written out and is hilarious. Here.

It’s one of many scenes I had ideas for for this fic, not all of which I could include. I liked the idea of one sheep herder borriwing one of the Flock for studding purposes just because it was ridiculous and we all know it wouldn’t work, but unfortunately I forgot to write in the one where someone somehow burns a truckload of yggdrasil, fogging down the entire valley and accidentally swarming the village with demon sheep high off their asses. Ah, next time.

As any other special thing that happens to such a community and stays around, and that they can do nothing about, they developed a kind of pride around him. Sure, he was creepy and unsociable, and his sheep randomly announced people’s small but dirty secrets to the world, maybe he infuriated people at times, maybe he scared the living daylights out of most of the youngsters who were dared by friends to approach his house at night, maybe eerie music could be heard from his home, and maybe he was a wizard, and wizards were rumoured to be fickle and dangerous, but he was their wizard, dammit, and they were proud if him.

Incredible what you can decide to be proud of if you can’t remove it.

Tyrone isn’t a wizard, of course, but that’s what people think. At this point in time he’s been around for long enough that going a decade without a proper deal isn’t the biggest problem, which of course leaves him with more time to fuck around, but he does still make deals if they’re offered, and that does probably help the way the village sees him.

He’s not someone whose help you want to need, but if you do, you can get it, and that’s important. It helps cement in people’s minds that he’s not just weird and magical, he’s also powerful, and on average he does good.

The tax collector was funny though. I had a lot of people saying they felt sorry for him, which tells me I wasn’t clear enough about the fact that his demand for one of Tyrone’s sheep was not, in fact, his job, but an abuse of power. It’s a bit of a staple for stories of this genre that the tax collector is someone no one likes and who does no good, and considering how remote Lanata is, you have to wonder if it ever actually gets anything back for its taxes.

Either way, it was a fun joke.

Chapter 2

I wasn’t actually planning for this fic to become as long as it did, but my things have gotten this tendency lately to grow entirely out of proportion. I wasn’t happy about having to chop it up, but in the end, it was probably for the best.

The first chapter was mostly Tyrone and Lanata, and how they feel about each other. In this one, we get more outside views.

Liam is just a random travelling wizard, mostly there to show what Tyrone looks like to one of this planet’s actual wizards. He gets scared quickly and leaves without having any large effect on anything.

The next outsider to try to meddle is a king, because if I didn’t include a king, what kind of genre conventionalist would I be?

The part I like about this passage is that Tyrone himself doesn’t do much to dissuade anyone. All he does is tell two separate people no and then warn the tavern owner that someone is trying to set her house on fire, and letting Lanata sort out its own business.

Only when the king bothers to come himself does Tyrone decide to give him his time of day. This of course ends with the king gaining a lifelong fear of demons and eventually to the Circle of the Dreamers’ Star becoming a national religion, but that’s more or less irrelevant. The point is that Tyrone doesn’t need anything that he doesn’t already have here. He is, in fact, entirely content. I like writing fic like that.

The wizard and his sheep had lived in the house on the hill for so long the oldest woman in the village remembered her grandmother speaking of him as if he had always lived there. For all this time, there had been very little change in how he acted out his days.

Then, Iirah happened.

Iirah is one of my own favourite Mizars. She’s “the old wizard’s beautiful daughter”. She is so much fun, and she changes the game.

At this point, Dipper has been Tyrone the sheepherder, and then the Wizard for several centuries, and it was about time for something to change. Iirah gives him a reason to interact with the townfolk on a more personal level. She humanizes him, in a way, because she is undoubtedly human where he is undoubtedly not, and it creates an entirely new dynamic.

Not to mention all the random theories that arise about where she comes from. We know that he probably just kidnapped her from neglecting parents off another planet, but they still have to wonder if he made her out of straw.

Iirah is also what makes him give the second king a chance, because he is soft as hell for his children’s puppy eyes no matter how old he gets, and Iirah wants to see a castle and wear a princess dress, and honestly she has a great time.

She’s such a spoiled child.

He was numbered among their curiosities, a seemingly normal man with antlers like a stag growing from his head, antlers made of wood and bone with cranberry leaves growing from them. They called him Bet, and he visited the tavern one night that Iirah worked the till. He caught her eye immediately.

Kaleb’s story is one I really wish I could have taken more care with. I don’t think anyone will be surprised to hear he’s a Henry reincarnation, what with the antlers and all.

They’re physical because of an incident in his youth, and they’re also the reason he’s more or less a slave at the point invtime where he enters the story.

I wish I could have had his and Iirah’s meeting flow better, and I wish I could have had a bunch of village boys corner him and tell him that she had never learned to protect herself so if he hurt him they would stab him dead for his own good. I wanted him to be taken in by the village absolutely and completely, only because Iirah liked him and Iirah is the wizard’s daughter. I wanted him to hear rumours about the wizard but never really meet him before he walked out of Iirah’s room that one morning after, to find Tyrone sitting in a chair and looking at him.

I wish I’d found a more elegant way to deal with his name, and what that meant.

“For as long as you are within the boundaries of this village, you will have no name. No designation attached to you will stick, no memories of your previous names will remain, written records will smudge, and spoken words will be caught by the wind.”

I still like this part, though. Any beast can kill someone. Any monster can torture someone, but if something steals your name, you can be pretty damn sure you shouldn’t mess with it. It’s one of those scenes that formed the basis I built the rest of the story around.

And then it ends. Iirah dies, and Dipper can’t stand to live in the village anymore, though he gifts it with enough magic to keep the village special for centuries after, in the form of neon coloured sheep herds.

Maybe some day I’ll sit down and actually write that novel, but for now, this is it for Lanata.

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renrutnnej · 7 years

Text

I’ve become the adult I needed as a child.

My adventures in mental health.

Back in college, I was a huge fan of this new show called Grey’s Anatomy. Its lead character Meredith Grey spoke often of being dark and twisty, qualities I identified with but had trouble spotting in the glorified soft-lit medical soap opera. Oh, her parents divorced and she had abandonment issues? How quaint. I rolled my eyes as she pouted and attracted scores of dudes with nicknames like McDreamy and McSteamy.

Darkness

This piece isn’t meant to detail all of the horrible things that happened to me, but suffice it to say I experienced my first trauma as a child younger than my daughter, and it was sexually abusive. I did not have a childhood beyond that point.

I have the memories and my family has the photos, but I don’t think anyone who ever knew me described me as a happy child.

I’ve said it before, and even my mother described me as a “little adult” from birth. So let’s talk about mental health. To survive what happened to me, my childhood mind wrapped those memories up tight and tucked them away, so I could move forward. This was also made easier by the fact that my family moved around the same time, so I left the physicality of those memories behind.

I grew up in a new place, and filled up those spaces in my mind with new thoughts and memories, but there was always a lingering darkness. I was afraid of adult men almost my entire childhood but I couldn’t articulate that fear or name the reason for it. I also struggled with a simultaneous desire to be in the constant presence of adults, for safety.

My family teased me at gatherings for sitting in the corner of a room, reading a book and keeping to myself, rather than playing outside with the kids. I grew overwhelming anxieties for reasons I didn’t understand. Going to school every day gave me a stomachache. Watching the news and reading the paper gave me an ulcer. The world was a very bad, very scary place to me since the age of five and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t remember and I didn’t have the words.

Without the memories, or the words, I discerned that the world was a bad and scary place for me, because I was bad. I knew I was different from everyone else and I knew that it was bad. My siblings played happily, without care and seemed adept at socializing. I think I only turned out somewhat normal because I grew up in a very small community so the people around me from kindergarten to graduation remained stable and mostly the same, so I was able to form relationships around routine.

Suicide

The first time I grappled with suicide (there would be several) I was thirteen years old. The combination of my internal darkness and the awkwardness of puberty turned lethal. By this time I had begun actively repressing things that were hard or scary. I learned that through a combination of repeating phrases in my head with exhausting physical strain I could banish thoughts. I’d fall asleep, after sobbing silently (a skill I taught myself young and has been quite handy as a young mother), repeating the phrase “You don’t feel. You don’t feel. You don’t feel. You don’t feel. You don’t feel…” until I truly couldn’t.

I filled journals with similar repetitious phrases.

Everything inside me was weird and broken and wrong.

The events leading up to my first suicide attempt came about due to another lethal combination: my internal darkness plus my devout religious beliefs plus peer pressure.

I learned that my parents’ union wasn’t a blessed partnership that had come together fatefully, but a hasty legally binding ceremony that only slightly validated my birth. I was the result of a shotgun wedding. This is absolutely not a big deal now. But back then most of my close friends had parents 20 years older than my own, which in retrospect did seem odd. And most of my friends were second, middle, or younger children in their families. My family life at the time was strained. My young mind and heart gathered up all of these factors and came to a singular conclusion.

I was the sole reason for everyone who I loved’s misery. Without me, my parents would have fulfilled their dreams individually and my siblings, well they’d have never been born. But maybe they’d have been born to a happy family, one better off than ours.

I had to go.

My attempt was unsuccessful, with further dampened the dark places in my mind. I was so bad, so wrong, I couldn’t even kill myself right.

Bullying Myself

I was able to hide my shaky mental state throughout high school through some sort of magic concoction of intelligence, cynical wit, and sheer busy-bodied ness. You would never have guessed how much I hated myself. I was involved in clubs, sports, volunteering, student legislation, leadership and I kept regular jobs. I told everyone my goal was to get out of that small town.

I just wanted to get away from myself.

University frightened the ever loving shit out of me to my core. But I’d created a hard persona, who wanted to be independent and was vaguely ambitious? The darkness pervading in my mind kept me from wanting anything truly for myself; I knew deep within myself that I was different and bad and that I didn’t deserve the life reserved for those special sort of people who seemed to have it all.

I knew it the way I believed I wasn’t really worthy of salvation, or to be someone’s wife or my worst nightmare — having to be someone’s mother. I could not stand to think about someone having to look up to someone as truly awful and lonely as me.

Through much of my young adulthood I was my own worst bully. This is a pattern of thinking that I’ve struggled to work through still.

This pattern of thinking looked something like this:

I would decide what (or who) I wanted to be like

I would participate in some action

Mentally I would be terrified and paralyzed with anxiety and fear the entire time

Even though I was terrified I would bully myself mentally throughout the action “A smarter/stronger/prettier/better Jenn would….”

Afterward I would feel relieved that I had survived, or that was it over. Or overwhelming and debilitating shame.

And then I’d criticize myself endless at every perceived failing during the action.

Very rarely in my young adulthood did I bully myself through any sort of “growing experience.”

I kept putting myself through experiences hoping for some sort of release but I ended up more often than not with more memories that needed active (and exhaustive) repression.

A Series of Traumas

I’ve written before about how I had stalkers in college and how was I was raped my freshman year. I’ve also mentioned a physically abusive relationship. What I haven’t addressed was my complete inability to handle male sexual attention. Being traumatized as a child about your sexuality, but not remembering why you are like that makes every sexual experience a dark and twisty one, right up in your face.

I’ve tried to be a proud, sex-positive, modern woman about my sexcapades but truthfully my history is more like magically hoping the next guy cured me of whatever was dark and wrong in my mind. In me.

But it never worked, so afterward I had to deal with overwhelming embarrassment over this naivety about true love conquering all or some bullshit, and then just straight shame that I kept going through guy after guy.

I sexually traumatized myself in college trying to find something outside of me to fix what was broken inside of me.

That’s not to say that people weren’t available to help take advantage of me. There was a boyfriend I can confidently say raped me on several occasions. At the time I felt like the worst girlfriend on earth for not being attracted to him in those moments or for lacking some sort of sexual je ne sais quoi.

I dove head first into drugs and alcohol for the next few years. I participated in a lot of dumb, risky behaviors because why not? Everything was bad, including me and I was probably going to die young I was convinced.

On one spring break in Las Vegas, completely wasted, I stood on the balcony of an Imperial Palace hotel room I shared with friends and stared down at all the drunk people dancing to obnoxious pop music from the Harrah’s circus club thing. I wondered if any of them would even hear the thud of me falling. My friend came into the room and embarrassed, I quickly stepped down from the ledge.

Until I met my last boyfriend in college, there are entire chunks that are a blur of blackouts between class and work. Until I started missing class entirely. The ones that couldn’t keep me occupied at least. Any sort of working or workshop class I’d attend. But those auditorium sized lecture classes became a sort of torture forum for me.

As it turns out, the place I’d been banishing my thoughts to was starting to crack. If I wasn’t fucked up or distracted (like during a lecture) horrible thoughts would start to trickle in with no way for me to avoid them–and absolutely no way for me to process them. I regressed to a five year old and broke out sobbing like a lunatic in lectures a couple of times and that embarrassed me enough to never return.

I failed out of university after my first senior year.

The unraveling

What I didn’t understand about being traumatized a child, is that until the child has had a chance to process their trauma (usually with the help of an adult), they don’t grow. They definitely don’t move one forward in a healthy sense.

Every additional trauma I encountered thrust me into a mental place of the five year old girl. With no vocabulary or tools or knowledge to help herself.

That explains why, when faced with the volume and enormity of my emotional and sexual trauma load, I regressed to five year old Jenn and was paralyzed.

It’s important to understand that at this point in my adulthood I’d told very few people about my inner self and the traumas that had happened.

Well that’s not entirely true. I’d written an op-ed piece about being raped for the college newspaper when I was on staff, in a rage about the then editor-in-chief’s remarks during a meeting about girls lying about being raped to get away with being whores (paraphrased). I completely traumatized myself by doing that.

For long after that I was approached by either women, confessing their own traumatizing assault stories, or by men, apologizing to me about what had happened. One night, a group of dudes recognized me from my story (we printed photos with op-ed’s so my smiling face appeared next to my story…kind of bizarre in retrospect), and exclaimed, “YOU’RE THE RAPE GIRL! Let us buy you a drink!” Which I definitely took them up on that because I think it’s the only somewhat monetary reward I received from the experience.

Other than that I told friends some things but not everything. At the ordering of the university, I had to take summer school courses to get to good standing where I could (possibly) graduate the next year–AND I had to go to both academic and mental health counseling.

I was deeply ashamed of my failures, after all I was an intelligent and vaguely ambitious person who had authored many important pieces in the school newspaper and had very angsty LiveJournal with a decent following.

I used my shame as motivation and was able to buck up in school (graduating a year late) and participate the school’s other mandates. I became obsessed with my academic counselor and I told her everything. She is a goddess and I love her to this day. My mental health counselor was a meek piece of work. I mostly felt like she was getting some sort of sensitivity-porn-type high from me retelling (and reliving) my emotional and sexually traumatic experiences.

She was the “How does that make you feel?” type of counselor I felt like was about as useful as talking to a wall. Hmm, how do feelings make me feel, given that I’ve been using all of my internal strength to hide them from myself for oh, the past 16 or 17 years?

At least I said somethings out loud for the first time. But she made me very bitter on mental professionals as a whole for a very long time.

Oh, also, she encouraged me to join my university’s volunteer sexual assault response team. And me, being newly sort of motivated, and also an idiot, did it. And continued to re-traumatize myself for my last year of school by helping newly traumatized victims and exposing myself to their pain.

Pregnancy

Through a new start and earning my degree I managed to scrape together about a thimble full of self esteem and moved to Las Vegas with my sister to begin our adult lives.

That plan unraveled quickly and in no time at all I found myself alone (my parents and sister moved back to Washington state within a year), working a job I hated (retail) and pregnant by a much younger guy who was supposed to be a fling on my way to success.

Sorry if you thought I was always a badass mom to Mila, but our relationship started off with the darkest period of my life.

I resigned myself to the only fate I could imagine: surely I would die in labor. I couldn’t possibly raise a healthy human. I prayed my child would be a boy, and that he would be like his father and not tortured by darkness.

I prayed for a quick and painless death.

It’s not very popular to mourn your pending death while everyone around you is elated about the tiny life you’re bringing into the world so I tried, really unsuccessfully, to hide my misery. I took long walks, and filled pages of my journals up with doom and gloom and a lot of tear stains. I slept as much as I could. I tried to avoid talking about my baby at all costs, refusing to have any baby showers, for fear that any attention would reveal my nihilistic views.

I didn’t understand how this could happen to me.

Okay, confession time. I did relish the sort of perverse sense of fear I spread through the young mothers in my birthing class. The instructor asked me to stop asking so many questions about death because it was “too distracting” and “scaring the other mothers.”

Mysteriously, I survived. Just like women have been doing since the beginning of time. Although you’d think I’d be a prime candidate for postpartum depression, thankfully I was passed over for that condition.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m the most god awful person without sleep, and my daughter waited nine long months to sleep through the night. But other than that, I was blessed with a healthy, happy, adorable baby girl.

She was impossible not to love. I never figured myself a nurturing or motherly type, but I couldn’t not care for her. Maybe it was genetic, at least at first it probably was. As sleep returned, and sanity, my child awakened something in me that I had never experienced in my life: my own capacity for which I could love another person.

Typical parenting stuff, but it completely changed my world. I vowed that this brown eyed blob deserved the best fighting chance at life, and despite her parentage, I would do whatever it took to propel her forward.

The busy-ness of being a young mother (sheer exhaustion) kept the darkness away for a time.

Single parenting

A few years later when my relationship inevitably fell apart, I took it really hard.

On one hand, I felt a freedom I hadn’t felt in a long time. I could take my child back home to Washington where my friends and family lived, and pursue something different.

On the other hand, I felt I had already failed my child in the worst way possible — one half of her family structure and sense of stability was now missing. This failure to protect her sense of self and emotions tore a gaping hole through the core of me.

A perfect place for the darkness to regrow.

Against my better judgment, and trying to regain some semblance of a life, I began dating again. The first guy I dated post-domestic partnership was a Navy guy, who often sided with the overt sexist reasoning of my boss and the men in the culture I inhabited as a technical writer for a government contractor on a Department of Energy site. Complaining to him about work sucked. He made me feel like a silly blonde, a thing I knew I wasn’t. But he, he was a nuclear submarine pilot, and very impressed with himself. And bald.

When that was over, one of my close friends talked me into dating her ex-brother in law. Big mistake. HUGE. In that relationship my low self esteem tortured me for the first two years. I allowed someone to not be faithful, to treat me way less than I was worth, and to be wholly unavailable. Because I thought replacing the missing “good man” in my child’s life was more important than me wasting my life wishing for the mythic perfect partner.

Until I didn’t anymore.

A turning point

Working at &yet didn’t magically make me a better person. In fact, being hired at &yet turned me into the most insecure, anxious person I’ve ever been. Surrounded by talented and well-known people in an industry I respected but didn’t understand made for a mostly paralyzed Jenn.

My insecurities bled into everything I was doing at that point. The inside of my head was a cacophony of second guessing my every thought, every move. The nastiest voices criticized me mercilessly and wildly speculated as to what people thought of me, every aspect of me.

This team was one I respected and admired so intensely that the stakes felt high and the pressure I put on myself was keeping me from being effective at anything. I still kept a confessional and highly emotional blog, and after one particularly dejected post, my teammate and mentor Adam reached out to me. He offered to introduce to me to a counselor friend of his.

I remember a strange mix of feelings reading his message: embarrassment, relief, my past bitterness toward mental health counselors. I archived his message with eyes full of tears.

Some time passed and the thought that my child is basing what she understands about adults, and thus the world, on her experiences watching and learning from me, gnawed away at me.

I did not have basic tools to teach her.

What are you supposed to do in a fight? (I didn’t know because my parents didn’t fight in front of us.) What do good professional relationships look like? What do people mean by boundaries? What am I teaching her about the relationships I have in my life?

I’d become a responsible, clean, sober adult who cared for her physical needs, but I was clueless as to how I could help her become a good person, a solid adult.

I messaged Adam back.

Counseling and progress

I was skeptical about counselors but I trusted Adam. I say this with one hundred percent certainty — going to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy trained professional saved my life.

My counselor started with the tough stuff: addressing the darkness, the trauma that had happened to me, the subsequent build up of feelings—without requesting the gritty details. She helped me realize that all along I have been a person with worth, deserving of love and respect.

Being a parent helped me to heal in that I was able to look back at my childhood self with the deep intensity of a mother’s love for a child, and tell myself from an adult place the things I needed to hear as a child.

Imagining my child, my greatest love, having to endure the things I did as a child, and as a young woman, broke me entirely on several occasions. But the heartbreak and the grieving were completely essential for my regrowth.

Addressing my trauma, validating my experiences, and giving me vocabulary and tools to deal with being triggered gave me a firm foundation on which to stand when dealing with feelings for the first time in my life.

I also found the empathy I needed to be able to forgive myself for a lot of things I felt warranted me a miserable existence. Forgiveness is the only way forward.

I had found my footing.

It took a lot of work, but I came to understand that I was not bad, wrong, or weird. Well, bad weird. I own being good weird.

That was half of the work. Situational depression (from which I regularly suffer) reared its ugly head during a dark period in the end of 2014 when I was being stalked. It was at that point I began taking anti-depressants.

It felt like I woke up one morning and someone had turned the volume all the way down on all of the negative, nagging voices. I was finally left to live in my mind and think my own thoughts, which could still contain anger, worry, or sadness — but not at an overwhelming clip.

Medication (which I was a huge asshole to my close friend Eric about for a long time) balanced me out in a way I never imagined possible. I went from pharma-skeptic to life-long believer.

What now?

I went through my first healthy relationship, and consequent breakup. And though I was sad, and felt sadder than I had in a long time, I never felt myself slipping into darkness. It was a legit, clean sad. The newness of such an intense feeling grasped me for quite a while.

I moved across the country, determined to take steps toward having more of an influence on my own fate. But my intention was to take baby steps. I moved the New York, with a steady job, and my team as a second family support network. When I was laid off in October, I lost one and a half of those things. With my team in shock and mourning, I realized I needed to work on a new support network. (Not that the network of friends I’ve made at &yet is gone, it’s very much the opposite).

This is all to say that I was not prepared for that one-two punch of moving and then loss. But I didn’t collapse, I didn’t even cry. My worse nightmare ended up not even being really a nightmare but a nudge forward. And still, the darkness didn’t come.

The closest thing to shame I’ve felt is guilt over not knowing what I should pursue next, aware that opportunities are ripe within my grasp. Ooh, and that one time I had to borrow money between unemployment checks from my dad. Meh, but that’s not even shame really, more of could you book a car to take Mila to the airport so we don’t have to ride the subway at 3am type thing.

I even went a little overboard while my daughter was out of town and ended up lying on the couch all New Year’s Day through a combination of blackout drunkenness and PMS, feeling like I was the worst mother of all time. (When my child was in another state, completely adored and cared for, and I was home safe in my warm apartment streaming HBO Now and eating delivered breakfast foods like a spoiled tear-stained brat). I felt the darkness, the child in me, creep up in some of my thoughts.

Thankfully by the end of the evening, I had regained my senses and realized that I’d just made a mistake in maybe the most responsible way possible? And forgave myself and moved on.

My adventures in mental health have led me to become the adult I needed as a child, and the person my daughter needs now.

I’ve achieved a few items on the list of tools and questions that plagued me in terms of teaching Mila to be an adult, and a good person.

I understand that I’m not the best mother alive, but I’m a fucking boss when it comes to being Mila’s mom.

We do this thing, and we’ve done it ever since I read THIS BOOK and I know she is sick of this game but I really want it to stick.

Jenn: Why do I love you Mila? Is it because you are pretty? Mila: Nope. Jenn: Is it because you are smart? Mila: Nope. Jenn: Is it because you are kind? Mila: Nope. Jenn: Is it because you are a good listener? Mila: Nope! Jenn: Well why do I love you then? Mila: Because I’m me.

That’s all that any of us wants, right? To know that we are loved, not for our work, our occupation, our appearance, our personality, our network, or anything we could possibly do or achieve in this lifetime — but simply because we are human beings, worthy of being loved.

And nothing will ever change that.

Originally published on Medium, March 7, 2016.

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