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adelindschade · 3 years

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Karma is a female-dog

Moroha found the dance between Setsuna and Hisui hilarious. Never one for romance, she enjoyed the awkwardness that surrounded the pair. The boy was much more in love in the half-demon than she was him. Inevitable heartbreak, Moroha predicted. She also relished in the red that overcame his face whenever she pointed it out. In front of her father, his father – anyone, really! And he’d lash out with his weapon of choice – just too slow to make a contact; she was too swift.

So, karma had to repay the favor.

One errand. That’s all. A trip from one village to the other for mere supplies. Of course, her mother insisted she wear something less conspicuous. A frivolous kimono borrowed from Sango. And no teeth. Be polite – don’t say anything smart. That part was uttered by her hypocritical father – though his intentions meant well, too concerned his daughter would be harmed by people propelled by prejudice. Not that she couldn’t hold her own…

Which is why she didn’t mind picking a fight with a demon that she came across attacking a procession of men. They were no match for the gigantic beast but she came prepared with her sword, hidden well. Not even her father spied the piece as she slipped off. Nor would he have said something because better safe than sorry. Her mother would have opted for a bow. Thankfully, she gathered that, too, having tucked it away out of her father’s sight and grabbed it as she rounded the hut.

A rebel through and through. Seventeen going onto forever. She was invincible.

Her hair was done in a much more mature fashion – much to her chagrin as she had to set aside precious seconds to tie it back. Another man had fallen from his horse; another slain. She raised her bow and shot it straight – piercing armor made of bone. The beast howled and glared down at the surprisingly small woman.

“You!” It thrashed, attempting to grab her. Her reflexes were keener than its own, evading capture with a simple jump back. She wielded her preferred weapon, a sword of strength and stealth that matched her own.

It screamed as its wrist was sliced clean up. Screw her kimono – she doubted it was the first time the fabric had been spoiled with blood. Sango would know how to clean it out. She made another slice, aiming at its neck. Blood was rampant in the air but she did her best to ignore the stench.

For a demon so large, it offered little fight. She was disappointed to see it cut down so fast. She wanted something more. With a heavy sigh, she yielded her sword and secured her bow back in place.

“Not even a bounty,” she lamented as she walked pass. A corpse or two lay in her wake; nothing could be done for them. Her father would’ve pitied them but moved on. The living would attend to the carnage. She had another mission. Her mother would have a fit if she did not come by sundown with the desired herbs.

“Miss! Miss!”

She paused mid-step, glancing back with curiosity. A man of noble tier scrambled her way, traumatized by the slaughter yet having not a scratch on his body. He must’ve been important to be protected.

“Yeah?”

“Miss! I must know your name to express my deepest gratitude!”

“Uh…” she mustered. If she said her name, it could come back to bite her. Yet, what harm could it do?

“Moroha,” she decided to oblige him.

“Lady Moroha? I am indebted to you. You have demonstrated great skill and bravery in face of true terror. As a reward for saving my life from certain death, I’d be honored if you would accept my proposal of marriage.”

“What…?” she stammered.

“I am Nobleman Akio Inoue, the youngest child and only son of Chieftain-”

“Sorry, but no,” she rudely interrupted. So much for avoiding harm. She just insulted some high-and-might-nobleman. Would her father care? No. Would he hate the idea of having to deal with the aftermath of a man’s wounded pride? Of course. But he’d rather deal with that than send his daughter off to a stranger. “My father would not accept,” she attempted to ease the brunt of the blow.

“Whom is your father?” he inquired.

“Uh…”

Myoga had called him a Lord. And her mother a Lady. But she had always known them to be called nothing more than a half-demon and a priestess. Informally, Inuyasha and Kagome. She always called them Mom and Dad. Yet, her heritage may claim more rank above the nobleman’s if she took into consideration the demon hierarchy. She wouldn’t explain such to him since she scarcely understood it herself.

“None of your concern,” she eased. “Your expression of gratitude will suffice. Carry on,” she dismissed hastily. Her steps fastened and she swiftly escaped out of ear shot, though she heard him call her out plenty in her retreat.

She nearly forgot the experience altogether, grumbling to her father about the scolding she received from her mother upon returning home later than usual and bearing blood all over the borrowed clothes. He laughed, patted her hair, granted her his usual line of “could be worse” before walking off into the village where she was certain he sought to converse with Miroku over their latest job.

Or tease Hisui over his crush on Setsuna. Inuyasha found it humorous a slayer was enamored with Sesshomaru’s offspring. ‘Kid is suicidal,’ her father would tease. Setsuna wasn’t as warm to Inuyasha as she was to Moroha – distrusting of the adult half-demon more so for his connection with her estranged father than anything else.

Talks of proposals were long forgotten until one unexpected visit from a nearby nobleman had Moroha hiding behind Kaede’s hut. Her mother was alarmed.

“I’ll be off!” she squeaked but her mother kept her cornered.

“Why are you so scared of being seen?” her mother questioned with crossed arms. “Shy is not a word I’d describe you as.”

“Uh…”

“Spit it out, Moroha!”

“I SAVED HIM FROM A DEMON AND HE PROPOSED TO ME AND I SAID NO!” Moroha breathed all at once. She was wide eyed and panicked, much like her mother who exhibited the same nervous expression.

“What?!”

“I DIDN’T TELL DAD BECAUSE DAD WOULD – WELL, YOU KNOW HIM! SO, I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING AND I THOUGHT IT WOULDN’T BE A PROBLEM BECAUSE I’D NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN BUT THAT’S NOT THE CASE!”

“Moroha, one trip by yourself and we’ve slighted a noble family! I don’t know if your father would be proud of you or furious!”

“Just hide me! I was never here!!”

“Uh, oh,” Kagome winced.

“What?” Moroha whispered.

“He’s caught the village’s attention.”

“No, no, no, no,” Moroha pleaded helplessly. She hid into her mother’s shoulder.

“I seek a fair maiden by the name of Moroha!” the man announced. “I was told she resides here!”

The demon’s ears twitched.

“Did he just…?” Setsuna asked, eyeing the stranger whose caravan arrived in their measly village.

“Fair? Is he talking about our Moroha?” Hisui chuckled. That earned a small grin from Setsuna.

“She must have hit him too hard on the head,” she replied. He laughed at her jab.

“She is cute… when she wants to be,” Shippo jabbed. “She’s a bit of a tomboy.” He spied an emerging figure from the nearby tree stepping onto the road. “Uh-oh…”

“What about her?” Inuyasha stepped forward. His voice was harsh and cautious.

“I desire to seek out her father,” he replied sternly. “I have business with him that requires immediate attention.”

“How so…” Inuyasha insisted, arms crossed and eyes set in a beady glare.

“It does not concern you, half-demon! Step aside!” the man cast with a strong arm to the left.

“It sure as hell does when it’s my daughter you’re talking about,” Inuyasha spat. His hand wavered over the sheath of his trusted sword.

“We don’t know a Moroha! He is confused!” Kagome intervened with lightning speed. She bowed incessantly. Inuyasha looked down with utter confusion.

“Priestess, you know this half-demon?”

Before Inuyasha could say anything, Kagome snuck a small glare his way. “Don’t say anything!” she hissed.

“Okay…” he grumbled.

“We know a Moroha!” Hisui spoke out. He was the recipient of icy glares from both parents and child alike. Setsuna was unmoved.

“What business do you have with her?” her cousin pitched.

“I desire to speak with her father at once!”

“He’s right here – what do you have to say? Get on with it,” Inuyasha spat, baring his teeth.

“Inuyasha…” Kagome whispered, tugging him back by his arm to no avail.

“In no way could a half-demon like you reproduce such a fine creature as she,” the nobleman sneered.

“Thanks for the compliment but get on with it before I part you head from your body, idiot,” Inuyasha snarled.

Kagome paled. Moroha shrunk in the shadows.

“Perhaps I can intermediate,” Miroku intervened. He stepped between the two. “I can attest my friend, though foul tempered, is indeed the father of the woman you inquire about.”

“I agree with Inuyasha – what business do you have with her?” Sango joined. Her hand was purposely placed on her weapon, ready to draw.

“She is my betrothed!”

“No, I’m not!” Moroha shrieked as she emerged from her hiding place. “I said no!”

“You said your father would not approve,” Akio mused.

“I said no and that he wouldn’t approve!” she raised her voice as an angry red overcame her features.

“Which I don’t!” Inuyasha joined.

“Get that through your thick skull! Move on!!” Moroha seconded.

“You are… partially demon,” Akio nodded. “That explains your strength and bravery. Nonetheless, I am indebted to you, and your heritage does not dissuade me from fulfilling my promise.”

“The hell you will! Hands off my daughter, you freak,” Inuyasha snarled, drawing his sword.

Setsuna chuckled. Hisui sputtered, doing his best to hide his amusement after a reprimanding look from his uncle, followed by his own parents who were worried by Inuyasha retaliating.

“This is one big misunderstanding,” Kagome waved off before retracting her daughter behind her.

“A priestess and a half-demon… such a peculiar union…”

“If you got something to say, pal, say it!”

“Inuyasha! Sit, boy!”

A thunderous thud followed, with her father planted on the road.

“Ow!!”

Moroha stiffened, never so happy in her life to be free of such damning beads.

“Sorry, Dad!” She squeaked.

“Why do you approve of such a match? Surely, I’d elevate her station, and bestow our children with a better quality of life,” he made the mistake of justifying. “They would exhibit a lesser degree of demonic energy as she or yourself. We could disguise that properly.”

“CHILDREN?!” Both daughter-and-father cried incredulously.

Kagome sputtered. “Excuse me, she’s seventeen!”

“He’s surely digging his own grave,” Sango sighed.

“Perhaps it’s best we let her father do the honors,” Miroku agreed. He wasn’t naïve enough to think he’d react any differently where his twins were concerned. They stepped out of the way in tandem.

“This will be a slaughter,” Setsuna theorized.

“I am not a cow to be bred!” Moroha squawked. “I’ll kill you myself!”

“No one is killing anyone!” Kagome disagreed. She breathed nervously. “I’m sorry you came all this way… but marriage is not in the future for you two,” she attempted to mediate.

“Is she already spoken for?”

“No! She’s seventeen and under my care!” Inuyasha growled with a raised fist.

“Oh, so you already prepared a match with someone of your likeness,” Akio accused with narrowed us. “I disagree – it’d be a disservice for your daughter.”

“That’s not your call to make and she isn’t marrying anyone anytime soon! Not if I have any say in it!”

“Yeah! Marriage ain’t for me, buddy!” Moroha copied.

“I wouldn’t turn it down so soon if I were you,” Hisui humored. “This could be your one and only chance.”

Moroha steered towards him with raging eyes.

“No one asked you, Hisui!”

“Butt out, you! Miroku! Manage your son!”

“Now is not the time, son,” Miroku meekly said as he approached his offspring.

“I’m inclined to agree,” Setsuna joined.

“With me…?” Hisui prompted, hopeful she was aligning herself with him.

“This one or perhaps, if he’s still enamored, the wolf boy, too,” Setsuna added.

“Enough!” Inuyasha bellowed. He nearly drew out his sword had it not been for Kagome who stepped in front of him, guarding him.

“Would you decline nobility and comfortability?” Akio asked Moroha.

“I do! I’m staying right here! Time to go! Good-bye! See you never!”

“Manners,” Kagome warned.

“Screw manners,” Inuyasha cursed.

“So be it,” Akio dejected. He pulled the reigns of the steed, prompting the horse forward. He passed by the family of three as he did.

“No offense has been taken, I assure you,” he calmly said as his eyes set upon Moroha. “I bid you good fortune, Lady Moroha, and you, too… half-demon, priestess…”

Inuyasha was tense, hands fisted, alongside his daughter who bore teeth as he passed. A real feral child – however cute she may be in her mother’s eyes. Kagome waved awkwardly.

“You missed your chance to marry rich,” Hisui teased as he joined the threesome alongside his parents.

“You handled yourself pretty well given the circumstances,” Miroku chuckled.

“Moroha…” Inuyasha warned. She felt his eyes burn into her skull. She trembled.

“Mom can explain!!” She squealed, running away.

“Not a chance! Get back here!” Inuyasha gave chase.

“I wonder what your dad would do if someone tried to ask for your hand,” Hisui joked to Setsuna.

“Kill him, no doubt,” Setsuna answered promptly.

The color on his face drained.

“Maybe we should pick our battles,” Sango warned – enjoying the terror on her boy’s face as she, too, foresaw his crush teetering on delusional.

#humor #fluff #family #inufam #moroha #hisui #setsuna #hanyo no yashahime #hny #drabble #sango #miroku #brainstorming

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craezynewthangs · 4 years

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about ;;

born and raised in chicago, serenity left to attend university in new york after graduating high school. she was a theater major, having dreamed of being an actress on the stage since childhood. after graduation her dreams were on the verge of coming true after she passed an audition for her first professional role on stage, however upon receiving news about her father’s health she was forced to choose between her dreams and family. her mother tried to beg her to return home, but she stuck around in new york for the show. she chose her dreams over going back to a family she’d never felt particularly close to, and things only got worst when she was constantly compared to her siblings in one way or another. it wasn’t until recently when she finally made the decision to return to chicago, after hearing that her father’s health had worsened severely. despite the strained relationship between her mother and siblings, serenity made an effort to to return home for her father’s sake. it meant giving up on her dreams of being an actress, but guilt and a desire to make amends to her dad won out in the end. currently she’s stuck in a job as a graphic designer that she managed to find, and while it may not feel like her calling she doesn’t hate it. neither does she love it but it allows her make enough money to pay for rent and food. and despite having given it up, she still dreams of pursuing acting again one day.

wanted plots ;;

older half-sibling;; serenity has one older half-sibling, and unlike her they have a good relationship with their mother. she wasn’t exactly close to them growing up, but at best they were on neutral terms with one another. they were there for her at a time when she needed them most (this is tba and can be plotted out) and she was most likely there for them as well. however, when she decided to go off to new york her mother was aggressively against it, and tried to guilt-trip her for abandoning family. her sibling remained in chicago, and their career and what they are doing is entirely open. i imagine that they have what might be viewed as a more respectable career. possibly a lawyer, or attending law school depending on age, or anything that their mother might approve of. thanks in part to their job, they might also be helping to pay for their father’s medical treatments. personality and everything else is open, as is fc. the only requirement is the fc must either be black or korean. black korean isn’t a requirement due to how hard blasian fcs can be to find.

roomate;; serenity lives in an apartment, and she’s never been the type to want to live on her own so she’s in need of a roomate or two. they can already be friends or just someone(s) who was looking for a roomate to help pay rent. we can always discuss their relationship if you’d like. are they practically strangers because roommate is always away? or maybe they have managed to build a friendship? or things can be more antagonistic if we want.

best friends;; serenity needs her group of best friends !! i’ll most likely write up an ad later, once i figure out a theme to go along with it. most of these are friends from her childhood who she grew up with, and kept in contact with while she was away in new york. i do envision one is newer to the group, most likely someone she met while in ny and they decided to follow her to chicago for one reason or another. all friends’ personalities are open, though age-wise they should be between around her age. so between 22-26.

ex boyfriend;; serenity is bi with a very strong preference for girls, however she has an ex boyfriend who she dated for a brief period of time. it started out with the two of them agreeing to fake date each other, for reasons that we can always discuss. however, over time i can see feelings beginning to develop before one or both of them did something to ruin it. maybe he cheated on her suddenly, or right as she was beginning to catch feelings he came out as being gay and as much as she wanted to be happy for him she was still hurt. it could even be a mixture of both where he had been cheating on her with another guy, and once the guilt reached a high point he decided to confess to her while coming out. either way things are most likely awkward and strained between these two, but there is some hope for them to reconcile and possibly rebuild a friendship.

future girlfriend;; which leads me to her future. i would love to find serenity a girlfriend and potential final. these two can either start off as strangers who get to know one another over time. maybe girlfriend is her current roommate, allowing the two to slowly get to know each other while living together before feelings develop. or she can be part of serenity’s friend group, and we can have a friends to lovers thing happen. girlfriend could even be the sister of ex-boyfriend if we want, or a completely different character unrelated to any of the suggested. i do want girlfriend to either be a little more serious than serenity is, but possibly also dealing with her own struggles. i’d love it if these two sort of balanced each other out while helping each other in their own way.

@aftermidnight-rp

#amrp #dev challenge #character development #char dev #ch: serenity koh

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fierceawakening · 4 years

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Against empathy 17

“Finally, empathy is related to compassion and concern, and sometimes the terms are used synonymously. But compassion and concern are more diffuse than empathy. It is weird to talk about having empathy for the millions of victims of malaria, say, but perfectly normal to say that you are concerned about them or feel compassion for them. Also, compassion and concern don’t require mirroring of others’ feelings. If someone works to help the victims of torture and does so with energy and good cheer, it doesn’t seem right to say that as they do this, they are empathizing with the individuals they are helping. Better to say that they feel compassion for them.”

But what’s compassion? In the neuroscience it seems to be “empathy + motivation to help” or sometimes, if the study is noting thei differences, something like “awareness + motivation to help.” Which would make compassion something more than a feeling?

I’m not as wedded to this, most common usage suggests compassion is a feeling. But If it is... if it’s com with + passion suffering/intense feeelong, that sounds a lot like affective empathy. So ???? What is

“But this claim about the relationship between empathy and certain good traits is an empirical one, something that can be tested using standard psychological methods. For instance, you can measure someone’s empathy and then look at whether high empathy predicts good behaviors such as helping others. Now this is easier said than done. It’s hard to accurately measure how empathic a person is. But there have been various efforts, and it turns out that the relationship between empathy and goodness is weak. In fact, we’ll see that there is some evidence that high empathy for the suffering of others can paralyze people, lead them to skewed decisions, and often spark irrational cruelty.”

Oo! Data! Forthcoming data, at least.

“If it turned out that the first fact follows from the second—that the nastiness associated with psychopathy is due to an empathy deficit—that would be an excellent case for the importance of empathy. But this is also the sort of thing that you can test in the lab, and it turns out to be unsupported. As we’ll see, the problems with psychopaths may have more to do with lack of self-control and a malicious nature than with empathy, and there is little evidence for a relationship between low empathy and being aggressive or cruel to others.”

Oo! Data! x2!

Very interested in what a malicious nature is, and whether it includes responses to others emotions. Nonconsensual sadism, for example, seems malicious and also seems like a response grounded in emotion. “I feel happy re your pain” vs “I feel sad re your pain”

“Think about your judgments about throwing garbage out of your car window, cheating on your taxes, spraying racist graffiti on a building, and similar acts with diffuse consequences. You can appreciate that these are wrong without having to engage in empathic engagement with any specific individuals, real or imagined.”

But those are bad because they upset or harm other people. Being aware that they do is part of why I don’t do them. Have we established that not wanting to upset or harm others is distinct from empathy? You assert that it is but I’m still not sure what you’re saying the mechanisms are. To the data!

“But, again, it’s easy to see that this is a mistake from everyday examples. I see a child crying because she’s afraid of a barking dog. I might rush over to pick her up and calm her, and I might really care for her, but there’s no empathy there. I don’t feel her fear, not in the slightest.”

Do you have to literally feel her fear to empathize with her? Or is it enough to, say, wince when she cries?

“Then there is all the laboratory evidence. We’ll see research from the lab of Tania Singer and her colleagues showing that feeling empathy for another person is very different from feeling compassion for that person—distinct in its brain basis and, more important, in its effects.”

That will help.

“We’ll learn about research into the effects of mindfulness meditation suggesting that the boost in kindness that this practice results in part because meditation allows one to stanch one’s empathy, not expand it.”

So will that. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen studies claiming the opposite. Huh.

““Reason,” David Hume famously said, is the “slave of the passions.” Good moral deliberation requires valuing some things over others, and good moral action requires some sort of motivational kick in the pants. Even if one knows the best thing to do, one must be motivated to do it. I believe this—I’ve never heard a good argument against it.”

Dances in the end zone.

“But it’s a mistake to see this as an argument for empathy. The “passions” that Hume talks about can be many things. They can be anger, shame, guilt, or, more positively, a more diffuse compassion, kindness, and love. You can be motivated to help others without empathy.”

Once again, I’m wondering how you define more diffuse here, but if you dohave data, I concede you may be right.

“He considers empathy but then rejects it as too weak: “it is not that feeble spark of benevolence which Nature has lifted up in the human heart.” Instead he pushes for some combination of careful deliberation and a desire to do the right thing.”

Where does the desire to do the right thing come from? That’s the dispute we’re having, or part of it anyway.

“I agree with this as well. Empathy can be used to support judgments and actions that, when we reason about them coolly, are morally virtuous. If the right thing to do is to give food to a homeless child, then empathy for the suffering of the child can motivate this giving. If the right thing to do is to expand our moral compass to include members of a once-despised group, empathy for members of that group can bring us there.”

Are you me? Because this is what im saying, that we have feelings and we check them against our reason and then act.

Sometimes we don’t have to check them against our reason, though, and that’s where we disagree. If my friend is sad, I can generally assume I don’t have to doubLe check whether I should comfort them (though I might ask if they’re a hugger) because daily life involves lots of shortcuts and they’re not alwTz bad.

“I have a personal example of this. When I was a graduate student, I read an article by Peter Singer arguing that citizens of prosperous countries should direct most of their money toward helping the truly needy. Singer argued that choosing to spend our money on luxuries like fancy clothing and expensive meals is really no different from seeing a girl drowning in a shallow lake and doing nothing because you don’t want to ruin your expensive shoes by wading in to save her. I was moved by this argument and would repeat the analogy to my friends, often when we were in bars and restaurants, and it suddenly occurred to me that we were engaged in the moral equivalent of killing children.”

I’m... I’m glad you don’t do something you believe is evil but that doesn’t hold at all.

“In Larissa MacFarquhar’s recent book, Strangers Drowning, she talks about the lives of do-gooders or “moral saints.” These are people who devote their lives to others. They know that there is immense suffering in the world, and unlike almost everyone else, they can’t direct their attention elsewhere; they are driven to help. Some of the individuals she profiles are deliberative and rational, similar to Zell Kravinsky.... But others who are profiled by MacFarquhar are individuals of feeling; they are emotionally moved by the suffering of others. This sensitivity often makes them miserable, but it can also push them to make a difference in ways that most of us would never even contemplate.”

Thanks for poin ting this out. It’s fascinating for one, but for two...

I do not at all consider myself a moral saint, but I do think I attempt to do good for the second reason. I suffered a great deal as a child and I feel strongly that the buck stops with me. I can’t save everyone, but the thought of anyone going through what I did if I can stop it revolts me, so I act.

When you tell me this revulsion SHOULD NOT motivate me, I don’t know what to do with that, sir.

Because I suspect you would approve of the actions I take or try to, but I don’t know that I can promise you I will keep doing them if I try to somehow force myself not to imagine the suffering of disabled kids like me.

THAt is why I disagree with you. Because I literally can’t promise I’ll keep going if I ignore the way I feel. And I know you’d rather I be mr. Kravinsky because you’re a singer fanboy

But I’m not.

“Or consider a recent study by Abigail Marsh and her colleagues, of people who choose to donate their kidneys to strangers. Consistent with my argument, these exceptionally altruistic individuals do not score higher on standard empathy tests than normal people. But they are different in another way. The researchers were interested in the amygdala—a part of the brain that is involved in, among other things, emotional responses. Their previous research had discovered that psychopaths had smaller than normal amygdalae and lessened response when exposed to pictures of people who looked frightened, so they predicted that these do-gooders would have larger than normal amygdalae and greater than normal response to fear faces. This was exactly what they found.”

I’ve heard that too but I heard that having the big amygdala IS associated with high empathy. Which I figured stood to reason because higher abilitgy to pick up fear from faces is reading emotions and parsing people’s emotions is necessary to vicariously feel them.

Interested to look that one up.

“Our bias shows up when we think about the power of fiction to stir up our empathy. Many, including myself, have argued that novels like Uncle Tom’s Cabin and Bleak House prompted significant social change by guiding readers to feel the suffering of fictional characters. But we tend to forget that other novels push us in different ways. Joshua Landy provides some examples: For every Uncle Tom’s Cabin there is a Birth of a Nation. For every Bleak House there is an Atlas Shrugged. For every Color Purple there is a Turner Diaries, that white supremacist novel Timothy McVeigh left in his truck on the way to bombing the Oklahoma building.”

This I agree with. I just think it’s important to use both empathy and reason because of this thing.

“The good news is that there are other ways to change people’s minds. We can, for example, use the truth. I know, that’s very old-fashioned. But consider An Inconvenient Truth, Al Gore’s documentary about climate change. That film did a huge amount for the environmental movement, all without making up a single lovable character or a single line of witty repartee.”

Okay but are you sure no one is empathizing with victims of climate disaster when watching it?

“But there is a continuum here. On the one extreme is empathy. This is the worst. Then somewhere in the middle is compassion—simply caring for people, wanting them to thrive. This has problems as well but fewer of them, and we’ll see that there is experimental evidence—including both neuroimaging studies and research on the effects of meditative practice—suggesting that compassion has some advantages over empathic engagement.”

A definition! Stop hiding those in walls of text, bruh.

Still interested in how caring doesn’t ultimately come from emotions about others also. To the data!

“Reason is subject to bias—we are imperfect beings—but at its best it can lead to moral insight. It is reason that leads us to recognize, despite what our feelings tell us, that a child in a faraway land matters as much as our neighbor’s child, that it’s a tragedy if an immunization leads to a child getting sick or if a furlough program leads to rape and assault—but if these programs nonetheless lead to an overall improvement in human welfare, we should keep them until something better comes along.”

Agree.

“I don’t mean to rag on my colleagues, but there is a certain lack of self-awareness about this point. It is one of the ironies of modern intellectual life that many scholars insist that rationality is impotent, that our efforts at reasoning are at best a smoke screen to justify selfish motivations and irrational feelings. And to make this point, these scholars write books and articles complete with complex chains of logic, citations of data, and carefully reasoned argument. It’s like someone insisting that there is no such thing as poetry—and making this case in the form of a poem.”

I’ve noticed that too. But I’m not sure this is totally fair. What I see (that I think makes sense) is the argument that we are more emotion driven creatures than we admit, and that often we hold to the idea that something is rational if we THINK we haven’t emoted about it.

I think this is often untrue, and that were actually less likely to err if we are reflective enough to admit “my emotions and my reason seem to concur on this point.”

“To take a specific case, I will argue that our empathy causes us to overrate present costs and underrate future costs. This skews our decisions so that if, say, we are faced with a choice where one specific child will die now or twenty children whose names we don’t know will die a year from now, empathy might guide us to choose to save the one. To me, this is a problem with empathy.”

Not a utilitarian, so unsurprisingly I don’t automatically agree. If I kill someone and explain I meant to save others in the next generation, cool motive. Still murder.

#the empathy discussion #against empathy liveblog

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raccoonwritings · 5 years

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In your bio it says you take prompts, now this is kinda a basic idea but: Eliott and Lucas goes to Party and Eliott gets really drunk and starts flirting with Lucas even though they are already together.

I do take prompts and I really loved this one so I wrote about both Elliot getting drunk and Lucas getting crossed.

Both are under the cut!

Elliot

Lucas makes sure to ask his boyfriend before they head to thepregame if drinking on his meds is safe. He trusts him when he says he’s alreadytalked to his doctors and they’ve approved drinking every once and a while,just as long as he takes all his medications in the morning and doesn’t drink toomuch too frequently. Lucas doesn’t think that’s too unreasonable and so whenthey reach the pregame an hour later, he doesn’t stop his boyfriend from takinga beer or two out of the fridge in rapid succession. He decides it’s best if hedoesn’t drink, though, just in case Eliott gets sick and he needs his strengthto carry his much taller boyfriend’s drunk ass back to his apartment. He canstill have a great time without alcohol.

The pregame doesn’t last long before the entire group headsto a party at Emma’s, Eliott’s hand firmly planted in his as they walk thestreets. Their friends are walking ahead of them, shouting and laughing andencouraging them to move their asses. Hecould see Eliott was slightly buzzed and grinning wildly, and there hasn’t beenanything to cause concern yet, so Lucas watches quietly while he grabs anotherbeer or two or three.

Almost two hours into the party, Lucas is standing in thekitchen with his friends, laughing and scoffing at the inappropriateness of Basile’scomments about girls, which have gotten better over the course of the past fewmonths, with Eliott’s help. He nurses his first and only beer of the evening andlistens to the boys drone on and on about their mediocre sex lives, while he knowshe’s got it good. A loud noise calls his attention to the entrance to thekitchen, where Eliott is propped up on the door frame. He’s noticeably drunkand goofy smiling at Lucas before appearing to sober up, at least a little bit,and strut over to his boyfriend.

“Hey, handsome,” he says, the smell of alcohol on his tongue.Lucas only realizes what’s happening what Eliott smoothing leans against thecounter next to him, a move he has noticed many guys do with him. Eliott’sdrunk ass was flirting with him.

“Hey,” Lucas responses with a pop of his eyebrows. The boysmust be noticing what’s happening because they promptly make an excuse to leavethe kitchen to let Lucas deal with his shitfaced boyfriend. Or maybe theywanted Lucas to get some action, who knows.

“You know, you’re quite the looker,” Eliott compliments andruns a hand through Lucas’ hair.

“Oh, really, tell me more,” he inquires a bit sarcastically,seeming throwing Eliott off his game.

“First, babe, you have to tell me if you came here withanyone,” he requires casually, while his hand comes up to cup Lucas’ cheek.

He moves his face closer to Eliott’s, so that their lips arealmost touching. “Yeah, I did.” He gives him sex eyes, but Eliott doesn’t seemto get the message, because he removes his hand from Lucas’ cheek and takes asmall step back.

“Oh, like your boyfriend?” Eliott slurs slightly.

Lucas snorts. “Yeah, I did. He’s pretty cute, too.” Lucas smilesup at his boyfriend, whose face falls almost instantly.

“Oh okay!” His tone is forced excitement. “I’m just gonna gothen.” Before Lucas realizes it, his boyfriend has left him standing in thekitchen all by himself, dumbfounded. What just happened? He was flirting withEliott, calling him cute and he just walked away? Lucas knows he isn’t understandingsomething, so he goes in search of his very drunk boyfriend.

It takes him a few minutes to weave his way through the crowdsof people dancing, kissing, grinding. He doesn’t see Eliott anywhere in theliving room or dining room and he doubts he could make his way up the stairswith all the alcohol in his system, so Lucas decides the best option would be toscope out the rooms on the other side of the first floor.

The first room he peeks into is a spare bedroom and he findsa couple making out half naked and quickly removes himself from the areabecause he has not desire to see a girl naked. Like ever. The second room islocked, so the option is crossed from Lucas’ list and he heads towards the bathroomat the end of the hall when he hears familiar voices.

“Eliott, what’s going on?” A voice asks. Lucas knows within secondsit’s Imane.

“I j-just, I saw this really c-cute boy standing in thekitchen with his friends, and I went o-over to talk to him and he’s so much cuterup close, Imane, he really is. I’m p-pretty sure he’s the love of my life. B-buthe came here with someone, his b-boyfriend, and he looked so h-happy when hetalked about him. He has this really sweet s-smile, b-but, he’s taken and I can’thave him. He’s never gonna smile about me, Imane.” Eliott was crying hard, andLucas was so incredibly endeared by the fact that his boyfriend was so enamoredby him, even after a year of dating, that he wanted to be the one Lucas wassmiling about. His heart grew several sizes hearing about how crazy Eliott isabout him. His boyfriend is, without a doubt, the sweetest person in the entireworld, Lucas knows this. The only thing about the situation Lucas hates is thatEliott is crying this hard and his boyfriend sensors are up and at attention.He needs to make it stop.

“Eliott, I think you might hav-” Imane cuts herself off whenshe sees Lucas enter the bathroom. Lucas didn’t realize that the rest of thegirls were in the bathroom with Eliott as well. He gives them all a smile.

“Hey,” he says, glancing around the room at everyone. Henotices that Eliott is too busy crying to look at him. His heart breaks andpieces itself back together.

“Hi Lucas!” Daphy exclaims and Eliott looks at him.

“Even his name is c-cute,” Eliott whispers through his tears.Holy hell. Lucas loves him so much.

“Wanna take over here?” Imane inquires, knowing Lucas isgoing to be the only one to settle the crying boy down.

“Yeah, I’ll take over. Thanks girls.” He switches placeswith Imane, who was standing in front of Eliott, and watches all the girls fileout. He starts talking when the door closes.

“Hey handsome, why are you so upset?” Lucas looks at hisboyfriend with a gentle smile on his face.

“Don’t call me h-handsome. You have a boyfriend. That’s whyI’m upset.” Eliott snuffles and boy, Lucas wants to just wrap him up in hisarms and hold him there forever.

“You’re right, I do. He’s one of the sweetest people I knowand I’m completely head over heels in love with him.” Lucas leans up to coverEliott’s cheeks with his hands and wipe away the tears streaming down the loveof his life’s cheeks with his thumbs.

“I’m r-really happy for you, I p-promise, but you s-should prollygo. He might get upset that you’re in here with another guy.”

Lucas giggles softly, “I think this is exactly where hewould want me to be actually. In a bathroom at a house party, taking care ofhis boyfriend’s drunk ass.” His voice is so sincere, and love oozes out of him,especially when Eliott’s eyes snap up and meet his. He hates how Eliott’sbeautiful blue eyes become so overtaken by redness when he cries. He hates whenEliott cries and would give absolutely anything in this universe to make itstop.

“What to do you-” Eliott starts, but gets interrupted byLucas, who pulls Eliott’s face close to his and rubs their noses together.

“You’re my boyfriend, you absolute ninny. That smile you sawin the kitchen was about you. Those smiles are almost always about you. You’remy everything and I’m never gonna let up on the fact that you flirted with methinking that we weren’t together. Just to inform you, we’ve been dating justover a year, and if you think I’ve ever letting you go, you’re ridiculous andmost likely drunk.” Lucas finishes, winded and out of breath and so, so inlove. Eliott is smiling something big and lopsided and Lucas stands up on histippy toes to kiss his boyfriend, who tastes like alcohol and tears, but it’sstill the best kiss in the world because it’s with his boyfriend.

They pull apart and Eliott just stares at him. “I’m so luckyand really drunk, I’m gonna throw up now.” Lucas processes all the words asquick as he can, but not quick enough to avoid Eliott throwing up all over hisshoes. God, he really loves him. He ignores the vomit on his feet and helps hisboyfriend to the toilet, slowly rubbing his back while he heaves into the whiteceramic shitter.

Yeah, he may be a great party with throw up on his sneakersand a drunk boyfriend throwing up into the toilet, but there’s no place he’drather be.

Lucas

“No, no, guys. Him!” Lucas is pointing in the direction of a very tall, very handsome stranger standing in the corner of the crowded living room.

Yann is making sure he knows who Lucas is pointing to. “Him, Lucas?”

“Nooooo! The tall, dark, mysterious one in the black leather jacket!” Lucas whines incredulously. He hears Arthur and Basile snickering and he does know quite why, but honestly he doesn’t care. He has his sights set on that boy and he was going to get him.

“Oh, you mean Eliott?” Yann asks Lucas, seemingly knowing everything.

Eliott. What a cute name. How has he not met him yet? Wow, Lucas is smitten before he even meets him. He has to meet him like yesterday. He slurps down the rest of his beer. “I’m gonna go flirt him up!” He hops up from the couch, noticing Yann’s smug expression.

“Yeah? Gonna go flirt him up?” Yann smiles then holds his drink up to his lips.

“Yeah, Lucas, go get him!” Arthur laughs and gives him a reassuring pat on the back. Basile gives him two thumbs up and Lucas is good to go. He’s totally got this in the bag.

When he looks to find Eliott, he’s disappeared, presumably into the kitchen, because Lucas hears what he assumes is his voice. It’s the only beautiful one he’s heard all night. He follows the sound and finds Eliott leaning up against the counter, chatting with an objectively pretty girl. No, absolutely not. He will not allow this girl to flirt with his future man. He rudely interrupts their conversation and finds that he doesn’t really care.

“Hey, sweet thang.” In retrospect, not the smoothest thing he could say, but he’s intoxicated, so he’s not exactly thinking with the most clarity.

Eliott turns to him and he wants those eyes on him all the time, all day everyday. He eyes Lucas up like a piece of candy and the look sends signals straight down south.

“Hey babe,” his smooth voice almost makes Lucas’ eyes bulge out of his head. His ears are melting and his heart stutters at the ‘babe’.

Time to turn up the charm. “You come here often?” That’s one of his best lines, he knows.

Eliott raises his eyebrows, and smiles. “All the time babe, don’t know how I could’ve missed a pretty face like yours.” Fuck, this guy was good.

“Guess you’re not observant then, cause I’m here all the time, handsome.” The last word was involuntary. Sometimes his brain adds unnecessary words to his sentences. He doesn’t appreciate it.

“Aw do you think I’m handsome?” Eliott giggles and gives Lucas a big smile. The smile is mesmerizing.

“Mhmm very pretty,” he blurts out, but doesn’t bother to feel embarrassed. He does hear something behind him though, and when he turns he sees his friends standing there nearly shitting their pants with laughter. What’s so funny? He frowns. He’s just trying to get some from a cute guy.

“Why the frown?” Eliott looks at him curiously and with concern. He’s just about to tell him why when the thought occurs to him that he doesn’t even know if Eliott is single. He can’t flirt with a taken man, he doesn’t roll that way.

“Are you here with anyone?” Lucas’ eyes bore into Eliott’s. Eliott stands there for a minute too long and Lucas is dreading the answer.

“Nah, babe,” Eliott is speaking and there are hands settling on his ass, pulling him forward and positioning him right in between Eliott’s legs, “I’m all yours.” The last words are whispered into his ear right before he feels Eliott nibble on his earlobe. Lucas lays his palms on Eliott’s chest and leans into him. The nibbling on his ear stops, “mhmm babe, are you crossed? You reek of weed and booze.”

Lucas ducks his head and suddenly feels the need to pull away, but when he does, the hands on his ass keep him right in that spot. “I may have smoked and drank a bit. I get it if you don’t want to hookup with me.” The hands apply pressure, and Lucas gasps. One of them peel off and take Lucas’ hand, guiding it towards his crotch, which Lucas feels is big and hard. Fuck.

“You have no idea how much I want you. Can you feel it?” Eliott makes Lucas’ hand cup the tent in his jeans and his thoughts are running rampant. Eliott wants him. This has to be a dream. Lucas hopes it never ends. “I just want to make sure you want this.”

Lucas thinks his head may snap from how fast he nods his head. “Please.” It comes out way more whiny than Lucas intends, but he doesn’t care. The next thing is feels is Eliott’s tongue in his mouth and he sighs obscenely. There’s another noise behind him, but he doesn’t bother to look or be concerned with it. Whatever it is, it isn’t bothering them.

They continue like that for a few minutes, with Eliott eventually pressing him up against the counter and grinding up on him before Lucas takes a pause. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Eliott asks, brushing a piece of hair from Lucas’ fallen quiff out of his face. Everytime Eliott calls him a variation of ‘baby’, he can feel his cheeks flush.

“I’m a little tired,” Lucas says, playing nervously with the zipper on Eliott’s hoodie, “can we go back to your place?” he briefly glances up and can only see fondness on the boy’s face.

“Of course cutie. Let me get my coat.” Lucas nods and Eliott jogs off in search of his jacket. When he does return, he smiles at Lucas and puts an arm around his waist with the purpose of steadying him, but Lucas just thinks it’s because Eliott wants his hand there, which isn’t entirely untrue.

They leave the party, not even bothering to say goodbye to the boys, because Lucas is going to a hot guy’s house and there are way more important things to think about. He can feel Eliott’s hand in his and enjoys the walk thoroughly, despite it being slightly chilly out. Scratch that, it’s very chilly, but that might be because Lucas isn’t wearing a jacket or any outerwear at all, really. He must of left it at home or back at the party, maybe? Oh well, it doesn’t matter now, except Eliott seems to notice it.

“Are you cold, babe? Would you like my jacket?” Lucas hates saying yes, but he’s very cold so he nods shallowly. Eliott smiles as he shrugs his jacket off and holds it out for Lucas to slip his arms through. The first thing he notices about the jacket is that Eliott is big. Either that or he just enjoys oversized clothing because Lucas is actually swimming in it, but he doesn’t care. He’s warm and cozy and honestly a bit sleepy. His yawn signals that to Eliott, who inquires about it and when Lucas agrees that yes, he is just a bit tired because it’s late and he’s very intoxicated, Eliott takes it upon himself to scoop Lucas up bridal style and carry him the rest of the way to the apartment.

Lucas must have fallen asleep somewhere between where they were when Eliott gave him his jacket and Eliott’s apartment because he wakes up in a cozy bed under blankets and no jacket. Eliott isn’t here, but he can hear movement in the bathroom and assumes that’s him. When he enters his bedroom, Lucas’ mouth waters a little bit. He’s shirtless, and in just boxers, and Lucas wants to keep eyeing him up and maybe even jump him like a tree, but his eyelids are competing with that desire.

“Hi baby, how are you?” Eliott says, noticing he’s awake when he crawls underneath the covers with Lucas.

“Mhm good. Cuddle me?” He asks, not a shred of shame evident in his voice.

Eliott does so immediately. Soon, Lucas is warm because of body heat and blankets and snuggles into his chest, falling asleep easily and resolving to definitely asking Eliott out on a date when he wakes up.

The next morning, he awakens in the clothes he wore to the party last night and with a pounding headache. His boyfriend pulls him closer and snuggles into the crook of his neck so he can sleepily make fun of Lucas forgetting that they were dating. Lucas denies that ridiculousness, because how in the world could he ever forget that he was dating Eliott? Well, thanks to Yann, Eliott now has video proof and will not be letting Lucas forget this for a long time.

#prompts

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mercysought · 3 years

Quote

I just should've disguised the pain, plain with deception And made sure you never see Any ugly from me I know the pain it can bring What a lovely desire To require the approval Of strangers I know I'll never see But nonetheless I will grind night and day Like a cacophobic slave 'til you're 6 leagues down bad for me

my ugly by cloudfodder

#maxima aurum ( aesthetic )

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mbti-notes · 7 years

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1. Hi. I've never told anyone any of this before, so it will likely be a little bit all over the place, and for that I apologize. My situation is this: when I was 18, I had to cut ties with my father whose house I used to spend my weekends at. A part of me thinks it's clear he was abusive, but I carry the doubt with me everywhere I go. Cutting him out of my life was the biggest leap of faith in myself that I had taken in years, and in retrospect he probably had a lot to do with that.

I’m putting this post behind a jump in case there is anyone who requires an *abuse trigger warning*.

[con’t: Some of the things he did involved locking me in rooms as punishment or “work.” One example being once when I didn’t want to write a birthday card on his behalf and was locked in my room for 9 hours (I wasn’t given food nor let out to use the bathroom), and if I accepted gifts like clothing or specific food items I would later be informed that I had to pay him and his gf back by cleaning the bathrooms. They locked the doors then too, and no matter how much I cleaned it was never clean enough so I would be cleaning for the rest of the day. He never believed anything I said either, stating that since he would always lie when at my age, he knew I was always lying too. This meant that I was expected to eat food I have allergies to or which would otherwise make me sick, because he didn’t believe me when I told him I couldn’t eat it. I even had several arguments with him from behind bathroom doors about whether or not the food had made me sick and he said I was making the sickness up and was just dragging out time. I started having anxiety attacks around him, but he refused to believe they were real, and when I presented papers from several psychologists (anxiety is an old issue of mine) he said I had manipulated them and that he had friends who had done the same thing. We were on vacation once only a week and a half after a good friend of mine had passed away, and he yelled at me throughout our entire stay because my somber mood was ruining his holiday. On another vacation I was only allowed to eat dinner but not touch any of the other food. I would’ve been fine with this if I had been allowed to go with him or his gf to the store, but I was always left behind to watch my siblings and so because of this I not only lost a lot of weight (we were there for two weeks) but also fainted without it changing anything. I think you’re getting the gist by now, so I’ll end that part here. I broke contact with him one day when he called my mom (they haven’t been together since I was very little), stating he wanted something like a family convention to discuss my bad behavior, which was something that came very out of the blue as I had stopped visiting by then and we only talked on the phone. I actually wanted to come over more often, but he wasn’t interested in having me there. Anyway, I realized he was only trying to turn the part of my family who were on “my side” (his words, during the following argument) against me, and knowing they wouldn’t buy into it anyway I sent him a long text message that essentially was a big and fancy “fuck you.” I had hoped I wouldn’t as much as hear his name again, but my mom received a letter from his lawyer stating he wanted a paternity test a few months after, and not too long after that again I found out from my school that he had repeatedly harassed the school board because he wanted them to hand him personal information about me. Not too long after I started having weekly nightmares about him, but instead of him being scary they were all about us becoming friends again and having a good relationship. They lasted for about a year/a year and a half, and I consider them nightmares because of the feeling I had when I woke up. My grandmother (his mother) and I were in touch for a while, but he moved in with her and she has refused to talk to me since. My issue now is that it’s been nearly four years, and… I miss him. A lot. Every single day, actually. I very irrationally feel like I have a hole in my chest that can only be filled by having him in my life again, even when I recognize that what I long for is the idea of him more than the man himself. Yet I’m still very bothered by thoughts of how he could have changed by now, how he could be a good father and how even when I’m already happy he could somehow make me happier. I’ll see something in a store and think he’d love it and I’ll be gripped with the desire to buy it for him. When I do things now that I know he’d approve of like enjoying a certain type of music I feel proud and wish for him to be proud too. My mental health is far better now and I won’t risk it for maybes, but I guess I needed to get it out in the hopes you could help me make sense of this, because I’m beyond confused. I’m not expecting answers or a snap of your fingers where it all goes away, but I think I, right now, really need an outside perspective. I don’t even know, actually, I guess I’m just reaching out to a stranger because I strugglewith talking to anyone else about this out of shame. No matter what I thank you for your time, and I hope you have a wonderful week.]

If necessary, I can confirm: There is no ambiguity or doubt in your case, your father is abusive, he is a manipulative and controlling person who shows no empathy for you, remorselessly treating you as a piece of property and not as a human being. People like him rarely change, in fact, they often get worse. But I also understand why you carry doubt and shame and don’t feel comfortable opening up about your experience (though it’s good that you finally are). Unfortunately, the way that some people talk about abuse is very insensitive and paternalistic, speaking for/over victims and not fully respecting their perspective, which can sadly lead to feelings of shame because, if everyone else knows in such black-and-white terms that you were abused but you are still not sure and even want to defend your abuser, doesn’t that make you “stupid"? No, not at all. Having very mixed feelings is normal when you’ve experienced chronic abuse. Having mixed feelings is really just being human. Feelings and emotions are not always easy to sort out even when the morality of the situation happens to be clear-cut.

While being abused is never a picnic for anyone, it’s especially horrible for children. Children are built to be very trusting because they need to learn as much about the world as quickly as they can, so they are basically little sponges. Unfortunately, it is all too easy for an adult to manipulate children’s emotions and loyalty, to exploit innocence and naivete for their own selfish ends. Chronic abuse results in your moral senses being twist-turned-upside-down because, on one hand, your natural moral instincts are telling you that everything is WRONG WRONG WRONG but, on the other hand, the person who should know better (and teach you right from wrong) is telling you that there’s something off with your moral judgment, that THEY are right and you are wrong about what you experience, as though you don’t know your own mind. If you hear this enough, you start to believe it and distrust yourself because you have no other knowledge to fall back on, because you’ve never had a chance to build up a strong sense of self, so you possess nothing with which to fight back against their manipulation. In other words, it is NEVER the child’s fault for trusting and loving the parent, rather, it is entirely the parent’s fault for exploiting that trust and love - the parent should know better.

You know that he is abusive, otherwise you would not have cut him off, and you should be proud that you found the inner strength to take such a big step. Perhaps doubt comes because you still have the very normal urge to want a good parent-child relationship, because what child does not want approval and love from their parent? It is absolutely normal, even as an adult, to want a good relationship with your parent. In fact, the more you feel as though you’ve been deprived of it, the more strongly you tend to yearn for it. Unfortunately, this is not always possible, not just for children of abuse, but also for orphans, adopted children, children whose parents died young or were absent for whatever reason, etc. You want something that is perfectly normal for people to want but the situation does not allow you to get what you want, however, there’s nothing wrong with the wanting in itself.

Perhaps shame comes because you know that you should not miss or want a relationship with such a horrible man, therefore, if you do, what kind of person does this make you? Unfortunately, the more ashamed you feel, the deeper your yearning for him gets. The more you try to push away emotions like shame, guilt, or lovesickness, the more power you give them, and the more they consume you. It is similar to how the more you try to forget something, the more you end up thinking about it. Wanting a relationship with your father and missing him are normal feelings to have, however, shame arises when you think these feelings aren’t normal or that you “shouldn’t” feel them. Therefore, the remedy to shame is to acknowledge these feelings and recognize that there is nothing “wrong” about them. Feelings are what they are, however, they need not dictate your behavior or influence your decision making unless you allow them to. When you are willing to fully admit your feelings, to expose them to the light of day, to put them into the right perspective, they lose power over you because you see them for what they really are, in this case, they are the simple longing of your inner child for parental love - nothing more, nothing less, nothing really untoward. However, if you keep trying to suppress these feelings because you are ashamed of them, they swirl around in your unconscious mind, mutating and growing in strength and threatening to grip you. You only become gripped by feelings and emotions if you never answer them properly, if you keep pushing them away.

Therefore, it is necessary for you to confront these feelings, to admit, process, and release them through healthy channels. Perhaps you can get some counseling for the specific purpose of giving yourself a chance to get these thoughts and feelings out of your system. Telling your story the way that you want to tell it can be very healing. My personal philosophy of self-improvement is that you should try to make your mind more transparent to yourself, that you should confront unpleasantness/darkness instead of trying to push it away and, yes, shine a light from the outside when you feel stuck inside your darkness. I hope this is why you felt comfortable enough to write in and I hope that simply speaking out has been helpful regardless of my response. Perhaps you would benefit from the experience of a close friend of mine who suffered very similar abuse as you and also cut her father off when she became an adult (though members of her extended family are still in touch with him). She is closing in on thirty, a bit older than you. We discussed her (not your) experience at length, paraphrased and summed up below:

“I will always long for a relationship with my father. Though we are no longer in contact, as long as he still exists in this world, a part of me will always hope that the two of us might yet one day experience a normal and loving father-daughter relationship, doing all the things normal fathers and daughters do, and it still fills me with sadness to know it won’t happen. I don’t try to deny that this hope exists but I don’t indulge it either. I know it’s a fantasy but it’s not something I waste time fantasizing about. I still have nightmares about the past sometimes, I cry when I need to, I talk out my feelings when I need to. Instead of feeling ashamed, guilty, or angry that he still affects me, I acknowledge that I am human and it is perfectly normal to be easily affected by one’s family. It’s a GOOD thing to be able to love and care even when the person cannot reciprocate, because this means that I did not lose the best part of me, he was not powerful enough to ruin me or my ability to love with an open heart, and I am very proud that he did not successfully twist me into his image. I can love him and feel sorry for him from afar without losing anything. I know that I cannot be healthy if he is in my life, he is not capable of being a good father or friend, this is the reality.

As for how to move on, I treated it as though grieving the death of a loved one. Grieving is mustering the will to move forward even though you still miss what was lost, and perhaps always will. It is sad to think about what could’ve been or what potential was squandered, but life is full of losses and unrealized potential, this is just one of many losses that I must deal with - everyone feels a void about something or other. It’s human to collect scars but scars don’t have to keep hurting unless you keep picking at them. When I allowed myself to grieve the loss of him, to accept the impossibility of a relationship, I was able to move forward - but this did not happen overnight, it took time. People who abuse you want power over you, to bend you to their will. I realized that I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of still having power over me, of defining my existence, of permeating my thoughts and feelings. The best “revenge” I can think of is to live my life to the best of my ability, to live it well for myself because I deserve to be happy. He does not care about my happiness, it is too bad, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t care about my happiness. It’s easy to believe that if even your parent doesn’t care about your happiness, then your happiness isn’t worth caring about, but your life should not be defined by what someone else does because then you can never be true to yourself.

When you venture out alone into the world, you might find yourself longing for the old and familiar even though you know you shouldn’t, especially when you feel down or lonely. Freedom can be scary. It’s ok to long for the past a bit because nostalgia is deceptive and bad memories lose their impact over time, but happiness is found by looking forward, by seeing that something better awaits you when you shed the bad aspects of yourself. You have to fall a few times before you can successfully fly on your own but always remember: Going through the hard work of forging your own life is the right way to build your self-esteem. I try to focus on all the good things I have at present and how good it feels to be free. I know I can never replace the fatherly love I missed out on but it has helped me greatly to surround myself with loving people who fill my days with light and laughter, so find those people whom you can count on and keep them close. I try to attract loving people by being a loving person. I make it a point to reflect and feel gratitude for the positive ways my life has changed over the years, to periodically remind myself how far I’ve come and how I successfully took control of my life by leaving him behind.”

#abuse #trauma #emotion #recovery #child abuse #mental health #ask

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nobodyliveforever · 4 years

Text

Our Subbie Couple

Source: http://www.bdsmlibrary.info/stories/chapter.php?storyid=536&chapterid=3352

The following is a work of fiction intended for adults over 18 only.

Hi my name is Elizabeth, so properly I could be called Liz, Beth, Cath, etc. My current preference is Cathy. I'm a young 31, about 5' 4" tall, have sharp cheek bones, startling, big green eyes, a lean figure, and an athletic body. People say I'm very attractive. My current preference in hair color is red. My friend Cindy is a tall attractive blond, 29, taller than me, with a more curvy body.

Cindy and I are housemates, and also S&M dominants. I'd like to relate some of the adventures we've had with our submissives, Kelly and Scott.

Kelly and Scott are girlfriend and boyfriend . He's 30, she's 28. They both have blond hair, although Scotts could better be described as tan or light brown. They are 2 of the most attractive subs I've seen, and have what I consider perfect subbie bodies (slender, toned and worked out, yet vulnerable and very sensitive and easy to arouse). In addition they are very intelligent, articulate, and upscale, so there is plenty of room to bring them down in the world, so to speak.

They came to Cindy and I, because they both individually had always been so turned on by S&M, but both much preferred the submissive role. They were tired of just the occasional S&M session and wanted something between that, and a full lifestyle. A partial lifestyle, you could say, and they wanted to be erotically dominated together, they found it more exciting and erotic that way, so did Cindy and I. As Kelly is Bi and so are Cindy and I, the sex thing, with Scott included, works out just fine. Scott professes to be sexually straight, and prefers girls to other men for sex, but then slaves can't always choose their preferences, can they?

One evening about 3 months into their arrangement with us, we were all at the cool house Cindy and I share.

"It's time" I said, gleefully, mockingly, grinning ear to ear, as Cindy, also grinning, snapped leashes on to Scott and Kelly's collars, and began pulling them from the room.

They were nude of course except for their g-strings (the most clothing they are allowed to wear in the house), and their hands were cuffed behind their backs.

"Time for what," Scott inquired.

I slapped him hard but playfully on his bare ass.

"Time for you two to go public," I replied gleefully.

The four of us had talked about it for sometime, getting other people involved in our S&M play and slave training, and going to the local S&M club. All of us found it a very erotic and exciting idea, but Kelly and Scott had felt they weren't quite ready for such a new level of humiliation and exposure.

"Oh no...," came the immediate response, both of them digging in their heels.

"Oh yes...," I said, coming up behind them slipping my arms around two bare waists, and pushing while Cindy tugged on the leashes from the front.

"We talked about it long enough, and I know both of you will love it, and want to do it anyway."

In fact from between them I noticed that already their breathing had quickened, and that the nipples on both their bare chests had hardened.

"So we are going to do it, besides you don't have any choice, unless you want to never be slaves again , and stop seeing me and Cindy completely."

That got them to relent, and with Cindy pulling, and me pushing, we got them out of the house and into the car.

It was a cool night, and since Kelly and Scott were wearing only their g-strings they had to be chilly. While I drove Cindy crawled in the back seat with them to keep them warm by teasing and playing with their nipples. They both have remarkably sensitive and excitable nipples. Cindy had to repeatedly warn them not to moan or whimper too much as she teased them.

It is an hours drive to the club, and by the time we got there, forget the chilly night, both Scott and Kelly were flushed and perspiring, all the back windows were fogged, Kelly had become so aroused by the extended nipple teasing there was actually a puddle of wetness on the leather seat between her quaking thighs, and Scott's g-string was soaked with pre-cum his erection stretching beneath it like an iron rod. Without any pause we parked, and that's exactly how we marched them into the club.

It was still early, there were about 50 people in the somewhat cavernous club, and about 10 submissives. Judging from the flashes of bare skin, I saw in the dim light, none of the other submissives were nearly as bare as Kelly and Scott were. Kelly and Scott were naturally enough the automatic center of attention.

Such exquisite humiliation! To stand there all but naked before a crowd of strangers in a public place, and not only naked, but blatantly sexually aroused as well. The overload of humiliation was making both of them visibly tremble and quake as a crowd gathered. I was sure that if it wasn't for the adrenaline and endorphins flooding their systems from the hour of non stop sexual stimulation in the car, they would both have bolted. As it was they could only stand there trembling, red faced and flushed, their eyes on the floor as the crowd ogled them, commenting, giggling, laughing, whistling at them, or about them. Figuring they had , had enough, Cindy and I finally pulled them away, as we did, a club manager reminded us that our new submissive "guests" hadn't been registered as club members yet.

Kelly and Scott stood before the registration table. We had uncuffed and unleashed them. Behind the table sat two burly male dominants, and a devilish looking young fem-dom. Some of the color of embarrassment had drained from Kelly and Scotts faces now that they were out of the limelight. Their level of sexual arousal had visibly cooled as well( judging from the fact that Scott was only 1/2 erect beneath his g-string ) although the nipples on both their bare chests remained achingly hard, and each of their g-strings remained noticeably wet .

They had to give all their personal information, ( address, phone numbers etc.) Cindy and me, making sure they were truthful on everything . Then came the barked command,

"Get those g-strings down!"

Kelly complied fairly quickly, working the tiny thong down till it lay around her ankles. Scott on the other hand was much slower. He was clearly mortified at losing this last scrap of coverage and dignity, especially before other males, but he finally pulled his g-string down, and when he did his cock sprang to life, rising before our eyes, and stretching a long string of pre-cum from it's tip to his thigh. The registrars chuckled, and Scott colored furiously. I so much wanted to help him out by taking that slick aroused prick into my mouth right there, but there would be time for that later.

They now stood there totally nude. We make Kelly keep her sex shaved, allowing her only a small strip of hair above her pubis. Scott too, is required to keep about half of his pubic hair shaven off and his balls hairless. Standing there naked I don't think anyone could say they didn't look great . They had to answer intimate questions about their sex life and their S&M experiences, then turn slowly around, arms up and down, legs spread, and closed so the registers could record any tattoos or piercings. Still naked they then each had to write a check ( we brought their check books ), for $100.00 as initial fee to be a new sub member of the club. Only then, were they allowed to pull their g-strings back up, and were welcomed to the club.

After registration we headed right to the bar. We don't usually allow Scott and Kelly alcohol, it could dull their desires and needs, and we want those sharp to better use them for our pleasure. On this occasion I thought we might make an exception, as the night had been fairly trying on them, and I thought we could all use a drink. They were both happy when I told them they were each allowed to have one drink, after........ they begged on their knees of course! Most of the floor of the club unfortunately, was smooth dark concrete sticky here and there with spilled drinks and discarded chewing gum. It had to be cold against Kelly and Scotts bare feet, and certainly was not the best surface for kneeling. Kelly obediently complied however, and knelt her nearly perfect body on the dirty floor in front of me.

"Please Mistress Cathy may I have a drink."

"Yes you may," I smiled.

Scott however, was a different matter, apparently he had decided his pride had, had enough.

"I'll skip a drink, and just have water," he sniffed, already ordering the same from the bartender.

"You'll have nothing then," I answered.

I canceled the water, and as Scott stood there helpless, I told the bartender no one was to serve Scott at all. Scott turned to face me, his little rebellion quite defeated.

"Well..... I'm waiting," I demanded.

Slowly he dropped to his knees by the bar on the sticky floor. I interrupted him before he say anything.

"First pull down your g-string."

People were noticing our 'scene', and we were collecting a small audience. Scott had gotten himself back in the limelight again.

"Please...," he whispered to me from his knees pleadingly.

Ignoring his plea, I nearly shouted for everyone's benefit,

"Would you rather I have you take it off completely, and you can stay naked the rest of the night?"

A couple of people clapped their approval of the suggestion. With trembling hands, on his knees, Scott lowered his g-string down his thighs. I was wearing my leather mini skirt, and stepped in close pressing my bare leg against his half hard cock, as he knelt.

"Now beg slave."

I lifted his chin so everyone could see his face.

I made him ask to be allowed anything to drink 3 times, running my fingers over his lips as he did so, feeling his bare cock hardening against my leg. When I stepped away, my knee was wet from Scott's trembling totally erect penis. Wow, now I needed a drink! Humiliating and sexually arousing someone at the same time, is such a rush! Scott red faced, had to struggle to pull his g-string up over his again iron hard erection. In the end, I only allowed them a half a drink each.

After awhile, Cindy and I met some friends from the S&M scene, Carla and Sophie. We all moved over to a seating area where we sat on comfortable sofas, while Kelly and Scott knelt on the floor, carpeted in that area by thread bare carpet. As we talked it was Kelly and Scott's job to hop up and fetch us drinks from the bar, nude except for their little g-strings of course, and then serve them to us. This meant they had to make their way through the crowd where anyone could grope them or cop a feel of their nubile bodies. This went well enough for an hour or so, then we decided it was time for something else.

There was a horizontal brass rail along one side of the bar with handcuffs dangling from it. It is called the 'Cuffing Bar', and Dominants, can cuff their submissives and slaves there. When Kelly and Scott saw where we were heading with them, they both balked, trying to get a firm grip on the floor with their bare feet, but the 4 of us tugging, pushing, and giggling, got them into position and cuffed them to the railing. The Cuffing Bar isn't designed just to put submissives in light bondage, it's real purpose is to leave them helpless with their hands cuffed and attached to the bar, while they are partially ( or in Scott and Kelly's case, almost totally) undressed, at the mercy of a public crowd. Then giggling, the 4 of us, headed for the dance floor.

We took our time, and danced for about 5 songs, working off some of the alcohol before we remembered Kelly and Scott, and began to make our way back to the side bar. As we approached I could see a large crowd of people gathered around the Cuffing Bar, and in the center, flashes of bare skin, Kelly and Scott!

We elbowed our way through, and there was Kelly, her tanned wrists still cuffed to the bar, leaning back against a man who was fondling, tweaking, and teasing her smallish but perfectly shaped and up thrust bare breasts and especially her sexy little nipples. He must have been doing it for some time, as her eyes were half closed, her chest was flushed, and her very hard nipples were fully engorged. At the same time, the mans female companion knelt in front of her, passing an ice cube over Kelly's flat quivering belly just at the top of her g-string and occasionally dipping it underneath, down over the lips of her shaved sex. Meanwhile Scott stood cuffed opposite her, while two young women licked and tweaked his hard nipples, and a man ( a man mind you, Scott must have been too far aroused to care, or was too helpless to do anything about it ) rubbed Scott's steel hard bulging erection through his wet g-string to the giggles of the girls, and crowd.

It seeming like a good time to move in. Cindy and I reclaimed our 'property', uncuffed them, and led them away to a chorus of disappointed boos from the crowd. Thinking our slaves had enough for a while, we moved to a quiet corner and let Kelly and Scott sit, rest their racing bodies, and drink some water. It was now more crowded in the club. About 150 people were present, about 30 of them submissives. About a half dozen of the submissives were now as nearly nude as Scott and Kelly, and another half dozen were totally nude, taking part in S&M punishment sessions on the clubs two stages.

After our rest, Cindy and I, took Scott and Kelly with leashes attached to one of the stages to watch. They seemed less self conscious and embarrassed now as they walked nude, except for g-strings, through a public crowd, pulled on a leash. It's amazing what you can train people to get use to!

On the stage a male dominant was spanking a somewhat heavy nude female submissive tied over a horse. The blows were with a large wooden paddle with holes in it, and were hard and punishing, her ass was slowly turning from dark red to purple! Meanwhile on the same stage, a female dominant had her nude male sub locked in a iron maiden, with clamps and clothespins placed strategically around his body, and a good looking blond submissive wearing only a g-string was being tied to an X frame by her master.

As Kelly and Scott stood with their backs to me watching the stage I couldn't take my eyes off the sight of their perfect bare asses in front of me. We insist Kelly and Scott only tan in the nude, so they have no tan lines, lots of regular exercise keeps their asses toned and super firm, and they each have such flawless skin. As we watched the performance I stood behind and between them, stroking and cupping their sexy bare bottoms. I told them that for some infraction, they could be on the stage being punished for the crowd, and asked if they would they like that, and did it excite them. They both responded 'no' but I felt, and noticed how their bodies surged, and their breathing quickened at the thought. They said 'no', but their bodies were saying 'yes', 'yes'.

We made our way back to the seating area. It was Scott and Kelly's job to get drinks again. The crowd being much bigger now, Kelly was jostled on her way back from the bar spilling my drink. I told her she had just earned herself a punishment on stage. Her face blanched white and she moved to back away. I was on her in a flash, grabbing her wide pony tail of blond hair, twisting an arm behind her bare back. I conducted her that way, half bent over, to the smaller side stage, where I flung her over a horse and quickly fastened her spread ankles, and wrists down. As Scott committed the infraction of being late with Cindy's drink, she brought him along too.

There was no doubt, Kelly looked great tied over the horse, her perfect bare ass served up, arched out as a target, her toned bare legs stretched out taut, her bare breasts and hard nipples dangling down the other side. After suggestively caressing her quivering buttocks for a few seconds, I picked up a paddle..... and went to it.

Kelly took it quite well. As I neared the end of her spanking, I could hear her breath racing from the stinging pain in her ass, but that was all, she had her mouth clamped shut and had not shed a tear. I didn't want to hurt her too much, but as this was her first public spanking, I wanted to make it memorable, I wanted to at least make her scream or cry a little. I switched paddles to the heavy long one with the holes in it, that bruised the ass of the chubby submissive purple, got a 2 handed grip on its handle, and slammed it against Kelly's already very sensitized ass. Kelly's mouth flew open in surprise, and the air rushed out of her lungs in a rush. Before she could recover, I hit her again in the same place, her bare body going rigid, and her toes actually curling from the atrocious smart, then again and again. The last time she screamed, and then broke down, crying helplessly. Having made my point, I finished up with a few more slaps on her now fiery red ass, then released her and helped her down from the stage to a smattering of applause. Scott was next. Cindy bound him over the same horse and paddled his bare ass for anyone who cared to watch. When she was done we all headed back to the seating area.

If it was humiliating and embarrassing, for Kelly and Scott to walk around nude except for little g-strings through a dressed crowd, it was clearly extra humiliating and embarrassing for them to walk around nude except for little g-strings with their bare asses glowing a hot pink, or hot red, in Kelly's case, so everyone who even glanced at them knew they had recently been spanked. Back at the seating area, we again had them kneel on the thread bare carpet. They looked so delectable kneeling up off their heels, backs straight, chins up but eyes downcast. Kelly's bare breasts, so natural and exciting looking, pert, tear drop shaped, with silky soft but hard nipples. Scott's bare flat, well muscled but supple belly. Both their perfect asses glowing . We had them serve us drinks again, then we allowed them to sit on the sofas with us....... gingerly, in Kelly's case.

We talked with them about their feelings, and their experiences in the club so far. I asked if they were still sure that they wanted to be sexual submissives. The answers were emphatically.... 'yes'. Cindy complemented them on the night so far, and they replied that after tonight's experiences they knew all about being experienced sexual submissives. I had to laugh, and tell them that they were still just novices in submission, and had hardly even begun their training. Kelly especially took exception to this, saying that after tonight they knew all about submission, and that she could already perform just as well as any fully trained submissive. She became quite insistent about it, so I said,

" Fine, let's see."

I called over a passing dominant male club member, at least that's what I took him to be. I ordered Kelly and Scott to kneel again, and asked the passer by, if he would like to help us with a little 'scene'.

"Sure" he replied smiling, holding his drink.

"Good, Kelly kneel in front of him, Scott kneel facing his side."

"Go on get close, real close Kelly."

Kelly turned to look at me, now a little worried, but they knelt in position. Kelly's nose inches from the guys groin, Scotts 6 inches from the guys flank.

"Now get your g-string down Kelly, all the way down past your knees Kelly, you too Scott."

They complied, both of them blushing furiously at the total exposure.

"Now sir, if you would hand your drink to Scott..... good....... Kelly undo his zipper."

Kelly looked at me worriedly, her bottom lip trembling, but seeing my hard look, undid the mans fly.

"Now Kelly your going to take his penis out, put it in your mouth, and perform oral sex on him."

Such a shocked expression on her face!

"And if you don't do it, and do your best job, your going to be taken on the main stage naked, tied down and spanked, with the harshest, heaviest paddles they have here, as hard as anyone can, to the tune of 200 strokes on that perfect ass of yours, and then you'll still have to do it."

Kelly's mouth dropped open and color drained from her face.

"And Scott while your girl friend is giving this total stranger a blow job, your going to kneel there and hold his drink for him, watching how his prick slides in and out of her mouth, to make sure she does a good job, or it'll be you on the stage, and then you and she will still have to do it.......Any questions?"

What forlorn faces, Kelly and Scott turned to me and Cindy!

"These certainly are easy commands for well trained submissives," I observed.

"Well! If you don't start in 3 seconds Kelly, it'll be 200 strokes on your hot ass, plus how about, 100 on that taut belly of yours, and 100 across your breasts. Would you like to further increase your potential punishment?"

Kelly's cheeks reddened again, and trembling, she turned her face back to the guys crotch, and shakily undid his zipper releasing his cock, and commenced her task. The guys penis swelled quickly in her mouth to full erection. Cindy and I had always judged her a fair cock sucker. I admonished her to make sure she took his cock in all the way, and was rewarded by retching sounds, and tears in her eyes as the strangers prick bumped the back of her throat.

When Scott tried to look away, Cindy slapped Scotts bare ass hard.

"Pay attention Scott. Watch closely".

Having little choice, he did, as his face fully reddened.

"Now Kelly if this master chooses to honor you by coming in your mouth, you'll swallow every drop of his sperm. For every single drop you miss, you'll get 10 super hard strokes of the large paddle on your tight ass."

The slick shaft slid in and out of Kelly's mouth. Soon the guys hips begin to buck. I could tell when the first pre-cum leaked into Kelly's mouth, by the way she screwed her eyes shut and stiffened. Watching her relaxing her throat obediently, and swallowing, made me so hot. I knelt down to check the condition of our little slaves, to make sure they were also into the scene, in spite of themselves.

I reached around to Kelly's bare breasts, her nipples were rock hard. I tweaked them and was rewarded with an immediate moan and quivering from Kelly. With her g-string off and her vulva trimmed so hairless I could see she was wet. What's more being so close, I could actually smell her wetness and arousal. Going to Scott, his penis was 100% erect, straight up against his bare belly, almost reaching his navel. His nipples were rock hard too, and when I played with them he redfacedly squirmed so much, he almost spilled the drink he was holding, a drop of pre cum leaking from the tip of his penis.

By this time our 'guest' had his hands tangled in Kelly's hair while he really fucked her face, pulling her head to and fro, tears were flowing from her eyes as his dick continually hit the back of her throat making her cough with every thrust. He was getting quite rough.

"That's enough," I called, stepping in to break them apart.

Clearly the guy was disappointed when his erection slipped out of Kelly's mouth, but he took it good naturedly enough, retrieving his glass from Scott, and taking a good swig of his drink, his own hand trembling.

"Kelly, wipe your eyes and nose, thank this master and kindly put his tool away."

Naked on her knees, with her soft fingers, Kelly gently put the guys stiff cock back in his pants and said 'thank you master' in a hoarse voice. As it was late, we left the club soon after.

Back home, the 4 of us had great sex. Me and Cindy each came 3 times. As Scott's and Kelly's bodies, and their sexual responses are owned by us, we did not choose to allow them to come at all that night. They remained unsatisfied, bound on our bedroom floor, aroused, hot, erect, and wet. And as I snuggled down into the big comfortable bed I shared with Cindy, that was the last view I had of them, before drifting off to sleep.

THE NEXT MORNING

I awoke the next morning feeling terribly refreshed. Cindy had already gotten up. I peeked over the side of the bed, Kelly and Scott were still bound on the floor where we'd left them, on their backs, side by side, comfortable enough, but they weren't able to touch each other, or move any of their limbs much. They appeared to be asleep. Quietly, I slipped naked out of the big fluffy bed to the floor. First with Kelly, then with Scott, using my mouth and hands, I teased their nude bodies until they were both squirming in their bonds, just as aroused as they had been last night! Then giggling happily to myself, I padded nude to the bath.

By the time I was finished with my bath, Cindy had released Scott and Kelly. As a general rule, Cindy and I feel that our used bath water is good enough for the likes of our subbies, so after I got out, it was Scott and Kelly's turn in the now tepid water. They both fit nicely on their knees in the big sunken tub, their wrist cuffs clipped to a couple of dangling chains attached to the secure shower curtain rod. I took full liberty of their bound arms and opened knees, passing the wet slippery soap, over all their most interesting parts. I'd never seen Scott's penis, or Kelly's nipples so hard! After their bath they had a few minutes for their personal needs, and to tidy up the bathroom.

Then nicely dried, groomed, and naked, they joined me as I lounged in a short terry robe, pulling a comb through the conditioner in my hair as I read a magazine. They were both very fawning to me, trying to be affectionate (no doubt so maybe I'd let them come), as they went about serving me coffee, manicuring my nails etc. A hard nipple brushing me there, a hand sliding along my thigh there, Scott's tongue actually gliding on my bare leg, Kelly's warm breath on my neck. Of course I knew that they had been terribly aroused yesterday, and last night, and again this morning and not allowed to come, but that was sometimes the lot of submissives. Being sexually charged up, and unable to grant yourself relief, was part of what it was about.

At first their actions to seduce me and remain servile at the same time were amusing, but then they started to become annoying, especially as I was interested in the magazine I was reading. When Kelly nipped at my earlobe with her perfect white teeth, I had enough. I threw the magazine in a rage, grabbed them each, and yanked them into what we call our playroom, and others may call our dungeon, where I fastened each over a leather horse, naked and bent double with their legs widely spread, and their wrists and ankles fastened down. After gagging them I selected a stout leather paddle and let them have it. They each got 100 whacks of the paddle on their bouncing, hot asses, as hard as I could deliver them. It was a good thing they were tied down and gagged, even though our playroom is fairly soundproof, I'm sure without the gags their screams and cries would have been heard a block away. By the time I was finished they both sagged across the horses covered with sweat, both sobbing uncontrollably around their gags. Their asses looked for all the world like 2 lurid, very ripe, red tomatoes. Cindy stepped in on her way to work.

"Whew!........What did they do to deserve that...." she asked, surprised at the beet red bottoms, and sagging, sweating bodies she saw before her.

"Do to deserve it....," I replied merrily,

"Nothing really......... I just felt like it," I grinned.

"You truly are evil," Cindy smiled, embracing me, our lips meeting in an open mouthed kiss, her hand sliding to my own nakedness beneath my robe, down by velvety hard belly, to find my sex between by athletic legs wet, from the fun of spanking Kelly and Scott.

"I'll see you tonight," she said smiling, her hand gliding over my pert ass, before leaving.

Later, as I watched Kelly and Scott dress for work, I noticed them wince as they pulled their clothing over their burning swollen bottoms. For the rest of the day, whenever I thought of the intimate pain my spankings would cause them, a 100 times that day, as they sat, or stood, or moved, at their conservative, straight laced jobs, a sexual tingle would shoot through me. Being a Mistress is soooo much fun!

Some may think me cruel, not so, I would say. Every sadomasochistic relationship needs a balance of sadism as well as masochism, else it would not be a sadomasochistic relationship. All dominants must be very careful to keep that balance, and not become so enamored of, and tender to our subbies, that we forget the sadistic element, and ruin the relationship for everyone. At any rate, the choice is always the subbies. Since the relationship is, at it's base, completely consensual, the subbies can give it up at any time, simply but breaking off with the dom, if their desires are 'truly' not being fulfilled.

Scott and Kelly of course, didn't break off anything, and did return that evening, promptly on time, and quickly stripped down, to get into their thongs. This evening they served Cindy and I dinner, and as they did so, naked except for their g-strings, it was obvious that their flawless asses would be bruised for some days from this mornings spankings.

During dinner we decided to take some pity on them, and give them a treat. As they were clearing dishes, I detained Kelly, cupping one firm breast in my hand, while Cindy detained Scott. As Kelly stood there holding a plate I played with one hardening nipple, then both, tweaking, flicking them back and forth, teasing. She was silent and still at first, but after a while, she began squirming in place, making little whimpering noises in her throat. A small amount of grease from the plate she was holding slipped down her flat belly, (Kelly by the way has great abs, flat, and muscular, rippling but supple). As a matter of fact, I had been meaning to mention to Cindy that I thought Kelly must have lost a couple of pounds recently because her belly seemed even flatter and more defined than usual of late. I leaned over and moving my tongue slowly up the velvety skin of her flat middle, licked it off. This made Kelly moan, and her eyes flutter. Reaching out, I pulled her g-string down her long legs, and off, leaving her naked. Glancing over toward Cindy I saw she was doing the same to Scott. I tilted the plate Kelly held, causing more of the slippery thin gravy, to coat her from the navel down, and proceeded to thoroughly lick all that off. By the time I was done her skin from hip bone to hip bone, and navel to mid thigh shone with my saliva, and her lower belly was undulating and rippling under my tongue like a snake. Her body seemed to radiate heat, and she was moaning through pressed lips. Looking up toward her face I saw that her pupils had dilated, her nipples were very hard, and her chest near her neck, had begun to redden in a sex flush. Sitting back, and wiping my lips with the back of my hand, I cooed up at her,

"Ok Kelly........ time to show us what a little slut you really are. We would like a little entertainment with the rest of our dinner, so you and Scott can fuck for us..... Lay on the counter, on your back, with your legs spread."

Cindy who had been busy with Scott while I was busy with Kelly ceased in her ministrations and they both turned to look at us. Kelly hesitated.

"Now... dear" I said mockingly, taking the plate from her trembling hands.

Kelly walked unsteadily naked toward the counter, that separates our dinning area, from the kitchen. It's a sturdy island type affair about waist high, bare, and unobstructed to the ceiling. Hard laminate, it would be pretty uncomfortable, but I knew this would only enhance Kelly's pleasure..... and mine and Cindy's as well. Kelly, with her back to it, hoisted herself up and placed her bare ass on the hard surface, her legs dangling over the edge.

"I said, lay down Kelly, and spread your legs."

Kelly slid her heated body, with some reluctance across the cold counter top and lay down upon it.

"Spread your legs farther."

She moved her tanned, strong, legs farther apart.

"Wider Kelly..... I mean it!"

The only way she could spread her legs wider, was to bend her knees sharply, jackknifing them, so her heels rested on the counter top corners, and her thighs, were spread to the utmost, her pussy displayed almost as much as at the gynecologist.

"Good....... now beg Scott to fuck you."

A blush rose to Kelly's face, and she wet her lips with her tongue.

"Come on Kelly...." Cindy coaxed, her hand stroking Scott's slick, throbbing erection, as he squirmed.

I rose from the table, picking up a handy chargeable static shocking wand (there's lots of BDSM gadgetry laying around our house, this is one of the coolest, delivering sizzling stinging shocks of static electricity). I touched the wand to Kelly's erect nipple, and the blue sparks crackled.

"Ahhh!..." she screamed, her body jerking on the counter, at the stinging shock.

"I said beg!"

"Please, please..... fuck me Scott," Kelly responded.

"Smear your wetness over your pussy lips."

Reaching down, Kelly spread her pussy juice all over her sex. I touched the wand to Kelly's wet labia.

"EeeeeeeOwww......" she screamed, her bare body arching, then bouncing on the countertop.

"Beg better..." I smiled.

"Oh... God....Scott.... please...please... fuck me..... please fuck me."

Satisfied, we gave Scott the go ahead, and without further delay , he slide his slick cock to the hilt in her hot vagina. It was somewhat awkward for Scott, as he had to both get his knees on the counter, and fit between her splayed feet, but they managed. Cindy and I returned to our dinner. Enjoying the tableau of our 2 naked slaves fucking each other on the countertop 10' away, and sipping our wine to the accompaniment of their moans and whimpers, and the rhythmic creaking of the counter as they fucked. When the creaking, and their movements became too frantic and furious, we required them to remain still, with Scott holding himself in Kelly, while their bodies receded from the edge of orgasm, before ordering them to continue. When it was clear they couldn't hold back any longer, we stopped them, and with Cindy in charge of Scott, and me in charge of Kelly, rushed them to the playroom, where we lashed each of them standing on tiptoe to the 2 round structural support pillars in the room, facing the pillars, their naked bellies pressed against them.

"Ok.... slaves" Cindy intoned, "here's your chance to orgasm tonight........and your only chance.... rub those hot bodies, and throbbing sexes, against the pillar till you come.......you won't get another chance for sometime."

Kelly lost no time in grinding her soft body against the hard steel pillar, even wrapping her strong legs around it and sliding her well oiled vulva and slick pubis up and down the 5" diameter pole. It took her only 2 minutes to come, her marvelous ass shaking and quaking as she did.

Scott too lost no time, desperately rubbing himself against his pillar, but had more difficulty. His hard slick penis was slippery, and kept sliding round one side or the other of the rounded unyielding metal. Cindy finally steadied him, and he worked himself for 4 minutes before he came. After their orgasms, we released them, and then naked on their knees had them clean their respective pillar with their tongues of any fluids they left behind. Then since we were in the playroom anyway, and our two cute subbies were all warmed up, naked on their knees, and me and Cindy had yet to have our desert...................................

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heroneurope0-blog · 6 years

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New York Real Estate Ownership Manual

Virtual Real Estate Investing This article is developed to be a roadmap for the first time homebuyer or vendor. During, I'll guidebook you via the a lot of steps of purchasing or selling your home and explain to you in the procedure how to steer clear of the most common errors. You will also learn equally the legal and psychological problems often encountered. For most individuals, purchasing (or selling) a residence is one particular of the greatest component of dwelling the "American desire". It truly is also probably the largest investments they will ever make. Not stunning then, that many discover this expertise to be really fascinating but also worrisome at the identical time. Reaching the closing transaction and transfer of money for the home (referred to as the "closing") can depart numerous home house owners sensation fatigued, even depressed. The identical can be explained for purchasers. Nonetheless, if the procedure is completed appropriately, it can also be both interesting and interesting for everybody involved. The greatest end result relies upon on several variables: time, vitality required to dedicate to the transaction, thoughtfulness and patience. All these traits are included in the approach, and all can have an impact on your base line. That is why preparing is crucial in any profitable transaction. The procedure, complicated by a number of transactions and ready durations, can be quite confusing. Actual estate transactions call for experience. Individuals wanting overall control of the transaction with a do-it-yourself attitude can make a lot of costly blunders. So unless of course consumers and sellers have a reliable history in Real Estate, they stand to shed thousands of bucks in any offered transaction. Saving on New York True Estate Attorney Fees Attempting to help save a few extra dollars on authorized charges may possibly seem like a great thought, especially for those with massive down payments. But this method might backfire. You may conclude up being penny-smart, but broke in the prolonged run. There are a lot of comprehensive techniques involved in the obtain process that the huge bulk of consumers could forget about. In one particular of the greatest buys of your life, it truly is basically not the time to "bargain shop". Don't forget the important standards: if you can not manage to see the huge image in the transaction you almost certainly aren't ready to shut the offer. The amount of authorized charges charged should not be the selecting issue in hiring a particular New York Actual Estate Attorney. You retain a New York Genuine Estate Attorney since you believe in that they will represent your ideal desire in the transaction. The base line is that you want a New York Genuine Estate Lawyer you can have faith in, if have confidence in gets an situation you are effectively advised to seek an additional New York Real Estate Attorney, no issue how minimal the expenses are. For the most component, a New York Actual Estate Attorneys purpose to satisfy their customers and hold that gratification inside of the authorized bounds of the legislation --all at the identical time. The happier their consumers, the busier the New York Real Estate Lawyer will be with potential clients. So it makes common perception as significantly as it can make pounds feeling to retain a New York Genuine Estate Lawyer who aim is to attain the client's aim in the true estate transaction. Genuine Estate transactions involve use of standard lawful language. It is really understandable then, if a consumer or seller do not recognize the terms employed in the transaction. Very first-time homebuyers have the worst encounter. That is the cause why it helps make sense to employ a New York Genuine Estate Lawyer who can symbolize your interest and can aid you steer clear of pitfalls and pointless problems. If not detected prior to closing, as soon as a difficulty happens, it can consider time and income to correct the situation. An lawyer with expertise in New York true estate law can help steer a buyer or vendor away from high priced blunders. What sort of property fits my demands? When acquiring a property, you have to decide what property will match your demands. Finding the right sort of house to buy demands careful organizing, group, and sacrifice. Given that most people will not have the time, real estate brokers can be incredibly beneficial in letting you recognize the several issues you might come across. The concerns involved can be overwhelming. What issues require even more inquiry? Which houses appear with bad neighbors? There are numerous issues which you need to inquire about when you seem at distinct qualities that interests you. Even so, some troubles are common to most genuine estate purchases. A straightforward suggestion is to determine what borough you like to dwell. If you program on residing in Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, Staten Island, Manhattan or Extended Island, you may possibly want to deal with a broker in that borough. Coop or Condos? Cooperatives are the most common house obtained in New York Town. One particular explanation for this is a development away from cost-ridden properties in which foreclosures are typical. Another cause for coop recognition is comfort. Discounts can be much less high-priced (about half the cost of a rental) and may require much less paperwork in the closing. Less monetary pressure and much less problems may audio great, correct? But what most customers never know is that when you get a co-op, you are NOT buying the bodily apartment. In fact, you're acquiring "shares" of a corporation that owns the developing which is made up of the co-op on its land. Also keep in head that, just like any other company, a co-op has officers these kinds of as a president, a vice-president and a treasurer. And just like any other firm they're responsible for the well being of the coop. If the coop suffers a fiscal meltdown, you could shed your condominium investment decision altogether. What occurs if I do choose to acquire a coop? You obtain a inventory certificate and a proprietary lease. The co-op demands that each and every coop proprietor pay out a "maintenance charge". If you personal a condo, you will be paying a "typical cost." Generally, the month-to-month fee compensated by a shareholder is nearly double the charge paid by rental proprietors. Sometimes a co-op only "owns" the advancements, and some other business or organization owns the land. This type of co-op is not the typical scenario, but it does exist. Your New York Genuine Estate Attorney must be ready to help you in deciding if you are acquiring these kinds of a home. In which does the maintenance charge go? How is the income spent? When an "entity" (i.e. some business or other firm) holds a mortgage loan of the co-op, the coop company need to pay a month to month house loan payment to the bank. The "servicing price" billed to coop proprietors aids the corporation offset this cost. By charging every shareholder a cost per share the "routine maintenance fee" assists pay out the town taxes on the property as a whole and spend for the bills in maintaining the residence (such as the superintendent or doorman) The "widespread demand" for a rental aids offset the expenses linked with the servicing of the developing. Elevators, portray, cleanliness and any landscaping all require funding not to mention the frequent places of the household device. It is essential to notice that the regular monthly price is not fastened. Just like lease, it can be improved. In acquiring a condominium, even so, you are getting a part of the physical building in which the condominium is found. You then own part of the creating and will get a deed to the house that displays that you are the legal operator. The common charges for condos typically have a tendency to be stable. Most co-ops call for that a vendor obtain approval by the board prior to attempting to offer. Similarly, the consumer have to also be accredited by the board to make certain that the buyer will be a "responsible" co-op proprietor. A single exception to this circumstance is when the coop has a particular status as being a "sponsor device". That implies that when the constructing was converted into a co-op, the co-op conversion strategies authorized the sponsor of the creating to reserve the proper to promote unsold shares without board approval. If you are getting the co-op from the original sponsor, then most probably you will not require to get board acceptance. The exact same applies to subletting the device. In most situations you'll want authorization. In some circumstances, getting the device from the unique sponsor, could entitle you to the identical legal rights and privileges as the sponsor. Just lately after the value of fuel skyrocketed, a lot of co-ops and condos month-to-month charges elevated. So when buying a coop or rental make sure that you realize the economic potential implications. Question for the economic details prior to signing on the bottom line. Ought to I purchase a single or multi-family residence? A single of the most frequent dilemmas encountered when buying a house is whether to buy a "solitary-family members house" or "muti-family residence". Widespread feeling dictates that a one-household home will cost you considerably considerably less than a multi-loved ones home, and will appreciate accordingly. What are the advantages? The peace that comes with it is attractive for some. Not obtaining to offer with renting to strangers, and the head aches of selecting (or being) a landlord. Even so, on the other side of that argument, a multi-household property can be a fiscal furthermore: the rental income helps with the month-to-month house loan payments and makes ownership considerably less fiscally nerve-racking. How can a actual estate brokers support me? Usually the very first man or woman you could have immediate make contact with with in the acquire or sale of land or home, is a genuine estate agent. Most men and women use them rather than do it by themselves. The agent performs for his or her supervisor, and they are known as "brokers". The variety of relationship you have with the agent can have a significant effect on how well you as a consumer or vendor, comprehend the first approach, and transaction. Two crucial factors: Brokers can normally provide good tips and tips with regards to your purchase or sale. Considering that they're well-educated in equally the property markets and their field, they are can give you earlier performance for a particular property. Nonetheless, although the agent may possibly seem to be to operate for you, unless expressly contracted for, they typically perform for the seller! What is a Binder? Why is it essential? A binder (or else acknowledged as an "provide to obtain") is the initial doc secured by a small cash deposit. You will usually signal a binder at the minute that you make a decision to make the vendor an provide to obtain. This tells the vendor that you are significant about producing the obtain. As soon as the Binder Arrangement is executed, the actual estate broker or agent will existing it to the vendor. If approved, the property will no lengthier be proven to likely purchasers. It is essential to note that the binder, unlike a contract of sale, is subject to a time restrict. Except if the binder particulars the income to be refunded, it will be forfeited beneath most conditions. What should I know about the "Agreement of Sale"? The contract of sale is the initial formal stage of the acquiring and offering procedure. When you have retained a New York Real Estate Attorney and have produced an acceptable supply, at this level in time, you and the seller will signal a deal of sale. The seller's New York Real Estate Attorney will normally draft the agreement and then the buyer's New York True Estate Legal professional will evaluation the contract to make sure that you are secured from any foreseeable future problems (both legal and household issues). It's also critical to note that when the customer signs the contract, a "Down Payment" is provided to the seller for the seller's New York Actual Estate Lawyer to maintain in a particular account referred to as an "Escrow". The seller's New York Real Estate Attorney is needed by ethical principles to do so. Nevertheless, not to fret: the complete quantity will of program, be credited to the purchaser and applied to the last excellent stability at "closing." The most significant miscalculation a customer or seller can make is signing a contract of sale before getting satisfactory authorized representation. A contract of sale is an agreement to buy and offer the house. When it really is signed, it becomes a lawful doc. If you modify your head and want to change the conditions of the agreement or if you want out of the transaction completely, then you will find yourself in an very annoying lawful bind. That's why an skilled New York Real Estate Lawyer is necessary during the process, particularly at the starting stages. The deal of sale dictates precisely how the transaction will commence. It says how payments will be produced and collected, and contains all the essential details. Inform your New York Actual Estate Law firm every depth which you feel is important and important to you intensions. For example, perhaps you are offering an additional home although concurrently getting a property. Since the sale of your house is a situation, that problem is a significant element that you must explain to your New York Genuine Estate Lawyer since, the other "social gathering" could have not acknowledged your provide had they recognized this kind of a condition. One more concern that at times arrives up is the issue of occupancy. Generally a property is bought vacant. However, if you would like to hold the present tenants, it is a good idea to explain to your New York True Estate Law firm (assuming it is not a new construction), and that by itself can preserve you time and hassle in the approach of renting the home afterwards on. As a seller, must I have my property inspected? Property inspections can occasionally make or break the offer. A New York Genuine Estate Attorney can safe a condition in the agreement of sale which allows the customer to refuse to buy the house if the property inspector decides that the construction is not bodily audio. Termite troubles or indicators of other wooden-destroying bugs are fantastic motives for a buyer to opt out of the contract. In this kind of situations the vendor normally return the buyer's down payment and every person walks away from the table. Residence inspections are fairly hassle-free, economical and will help save you a good deal of time and income. Obtaining a New York Real Estate Law firm? When seeking for lawful illustration, most importantly, you want a New York Genuine Estate Lawyer whom you really feel relaxed with. If you never come to feel cozy with a particular New York Real Estate Legal professional, chances are that you will not have a good functioning partnership. An knowledgeable New York Actual Estate Law firm, who you truly feel comfortable with, can be greatly beneficial in outlining and minimizing the secret out of getting or promoting actual estate in New York. Your New York True Estate Law firm can assessment and put together the deal of sale, get title insurance, and perform essential components of the transaction. Generating sure the property you are acquiring has no undisclosed liens. If they do exist, your New York Real Estate Attorney can get care that they will be content prior to the closing. The final point you require is to have uncertainties and queries about your transaction. You want to make positive that following all the paperwork are signed and notarized, that you comprehend what just happened and that you are self-confident that almost everything was done appropriately. When ought to I shut the offer? The closing is the climax of the transaction. The buyer's New York Actual Estate Attorney is usually the ringmaster who coordinates the time and spot of the closing. The closing is in which the events meet up with to finalize the deal. Usually the functions you will see at the conference are the seller and their New York Actual Estate Lawyer, the bank's New York Actual Estate Legal professional, and the title consultant. What occurs at the closing table can be broken down to three significant actions: The bank can make the bank loan to the purchaser and in return the buyer provides the bank an curiosity in the home (Mortgage loan) The purchaser turns that financial loan over to the seller and in switch gets a deed from the vendor The title organization can make specific that the vendor does certainly personal the home they are transferring Unless there are any significant outstanding problems, the closing can get about two-3 hrs. At this phase, the purchaser must have acquired home owners Insurance policy prior to the closing. Given that not all insurance coverage firms cost the same rates for the substitution benefit of a house you may well want to shop close to ahead of the closing.

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wings-of-life · 7 years

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Chapter 27 - Moore Incoporated

I couldn’t stop pulling at the sleeves of the dress shirt I had been told to put on. Sure, it was a fancy shirt and it made me look sophisticated, but it was also highly uncomfortable. Admittedly, that might also just have been me projecting my anxiety onto the shirt, needing something to blame. I looked at the stranger in the full-length mirror of my dressing room. She looked like a secretary or a news archon. Her hair pulled up into some fancy twisting concoction, full face of ‘natural-looking’ makeup, green silk dress shirt, charcoal pencil skirt and a pair of black heels. If it hadn’t been for the discoloured eyes I wouldn’t have believed that it was me. I couldn’t deny that my reflection was attractive, but she just wasn’t me.

“Darling, you look absolutely stunning!”

Mettaton walked in without bothering to knock wearing a killer charcoal suit himself. He put his hands on my shoulders as he came to stand behind me, crouching so that he could look at me through the reflection. I tried to smile, it didn’t really come out right. He gave my shoulders a supportive squeeze before straightening my shirt. Gently slapping my hands when I started pulling at the sleeves again.

“No need to be nervous dear. Security has been heightened, there will be no last-minute surprise guests this time around. Just let me and Asgore do that talking. You’ll be fine. We also have some pieces of paper at your spot so you can fold those if you need it.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, I nodded. With a hand on the small of my back, the giant robot monster led me from the safety of my dressing room to the studio’s right wing. From the shadows, I could see that there were about a dozen people seated before the stage, all reporters. The cameras were both facing the stage as well as the reporters. It was beyond me why they thought another live Q and A would be a good idea, but I hoped beyond hope that they were right and that this time there would be no surprise guests. Mettaton’s hand disappeared and I looked over my shoulder to see him walk over to one of the crew. Probably making sure that everything was up to his standards. Sometimes I really did pity them, Mettaton was not easy to please.

Moving to the refreshment table I picked up a bottle of MTT water, the bottle in the shape of Mettaton’s box form. I was about to take a sip when I felt his eyes on me and with a roll of mine I grabbed a straw. I did not see the point of the makeup or the dressing up for that matter. I hadn’t been required during any of the previous times I had stepped in front of a camera. Asgore chuckled as he came to stand by me.

“He just wants to make sure that this won’t be a repeat of last week.”

“I didn’t have to play dress up last week.”

“It’s his way of making sure everything will go according to plan.”

“What? Did he also give the reporters a list of approved questions?”

“He might have.”

I was stunned. I had meant that as a joke. Asgore’s expression showed that he considered it a real possibility. I looked over at Mettaton, he was still talking with the cat monster. Poor guy was actually shaking a little as he forced a smile and just kept on nodding. I was suddenly very glad I couldn’t make out what Mettaton was telling him.

“Hey, dad?”

“Yes, dear?”

“If the question comes… What should I say about you and Toriel being sort of my surrogate parents?”

“If the question comes I’ll answer it.”

He gave me a sideways hug and I hugged him back. Making sure to avoid getting any makeup on his royal outfit. It was strange to see him in it. I had grown so accustomed to his casual outfits that I couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated and out of place beside him. The fact that the green of my shirt was a heavy contrast to the purple of his cloak didn’t help.

An alarm sounded, signalling that we needed to get into place. Asgore gave me a smile as he adjusted his crown and smoothed his cloak. I put my nearly empty bottle of water down and walked over to Mettaton knowing he would want me to. He gave me a final one over, quickly smoothing any stray hairs back into place before approving. He turned on his heels and made his way onto the stage. Asgore followed shortly after him and I was the last to take my position behind the last available lectern. To my relief, there were indeed small sheets of paper for me to fold. The lightening changed a little, to adjust to our presence as the cameras did the same. A countdown was visible on the monitor situated before us, out of sight of the camera’s, to let us know what the cameras were showing the world.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to this live press conference. We understand that last week events have raised quite a few questions. We hope to answer these questions and soothe any worries you might have.”

A human woman with a blue headscarf was first to raise her hand after Asgore had fallen silent. Gaining the right to ask the first question.

“I have a question for Miss Angel. Miss, I am not going to beat around the bush, why did you react so negatively towards your biological parents.”

Of course, I had known this question would be asked, but I had hoped that either Asgore or Mettaton would be asked something first. Taking a deep breath, I choose my words carefully as I answered.

“That question does not have an easy answer, so please hear me out. As those familiar with the show know I have very little to no memory of my time before I was rescued. This also means I have no memory of the family I had. When they suddenly appeared on stage I had no idea who they were. I’m sorry to say that there was no magical spark of recognition on my side. To me, they were strangers who suddenly wanted to hold me and take me somewhere. It was a very… unsettling experience for me. I recognise that I have may have reacted a little harsh, but I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time.”

A bunny monster man stood up.

“Why didn’t you seek out contact with your biological parents before last week?”

“Because, harsh as it may sound, I had no desire to do so. And I thought neither did they. After all, there is a marble stone in the graveyard for their lost daughter. I thought they had moved on. And in a way, I am not the daughter they have lost. I am not the girl they once knew and loved. I can’t even fathom what she was like. This girl… Maya… I’m not her. Maya’s died back in the…”

“I think what Angel is trying to say is that though she is physically still the daughter that they lost, mentally she has had to go through so many hardships that she feels she has become a different person.”

My hands shook as I grabbed a piece of paper and began folding. I just needed to relay my focus, just as doctor Daveed has taught me. I heard the voices of the reporters ask more questions and either Asgore or Mettaton providing answers, but I didn’t register what was being said. My focus completely on the paper creatures I was creating. It wasn’t until I had created a crane, a frog and a cicada that I felt in control again.

“What makes you believe that she is better off amongst you rather than being amongst her own race?”

I looked up without lifting my head. A human man was standing. I didn’t like his body language, though I couldn’t pinpoint why. Then again, I might be prejudiced because of the question he had asked. From the corner of my eye, I could see Asgore letting out a silent sigh. We all had known these sorts of racist comments were to be expected. I just had no idea if this was the first one or if he had had to answer more before now.

“I believe I am better of here.”

A stunned silence. The words were out of my mouth before I could consider whether or not it was a good idea to say them. I saw the cameras focus on me. The reporter looked at me, an eager glint appeared in his eyes. Before he could ask another question, I elaborated.

“Nobody is making me say this. But I can assure you that everybody that has lived in the Border will feel the same. The guards treat us with the same respect they give everyone else. The police see us all as guilty until they can’t find any proof of the opposite.

I’ve lost count of how often I have been harassed by the police simply for walking down the street. The same goes for the few times I went into the human side of town. Name calling. Having things thrown at me. People trying to pick a fight. All because come from the Border. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Let alone stand up for myself, lest I wanted to risk getting arrested.

Never have I feared any of those things when going into the monster side. Of course, some monsters were wary of me, but no one harassed me. At worst, they would cross the street to avoid having to walk past me. And most importantly, it were monsters that saved me from the human that started all of this. This does not mean I view the monster race as better, just that, at this point in time, I feel safest amongst them.”

The reporter was silent for a moment before a smirk crept onto his face.

“That is an adorable little story but, be honest now. Do you live with monsters to avoid prosecution for your crimes?”

“Angel is not above the consequences of the crimes she has committed during her time living in the Border. Having said that, the crimes that can be connected to her and she has admitted to are mild offences. A judge has looked over her case and passed a verdict. What that verdict is; is of no importance to anyone but her and the law. Her crimes are not severe enough to make such information public knowledge.”

“Darlings, as much as I hate to say it, our time is running out. Who wishes to have the final question?”

It looked like the same reporter wanted to be the one, but before he could the voice of the woman with the headscarf broke the silence.

“Miss Angel, how do you feel about the initiative your biological parents have started?”

Confused I looked over at Asgore and Mettaton who both didn’t seem to understand the question either. Figuring that we could go over time just a little I asked my own question.

“I’m sorry, what initiative? Could you please elaborate?”

“Your biological parents seem convinced that you are either being held here against your will or being kept in the dark through a web of lies. They have grouped up with Moore Incorporated to ‘bring you back home’. What are your thoughts on this?”

I heard Asgore answer for me after I remained silent for too long.

“We are going to need some time to process this new information before we can give a statement.”

Multiple reporters stood up, some already halfway asking a question. Desiring an immediate reaction, but Mettaton stepped away from his lectern and took centre stage striking a pose.

“Alas, that really is all we have time for now! Rest assured, we will consider doing this again. But for now, we wish you all a good evening!”

He struck another pose as the cameras got turned off. Of course, not all the reporters gave up that easily. A big furry hand guided me off the stage as they started to simultaneously ask questions. A numbness had crept into me.

Moore Incorporated… It couldn’t…

#Wings of Life story #wol #fanfic #undertale au #writing #angel #asgore #mettaton

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poisonedpan · 7 years

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A Look In My Future - 08/2014 - Section 19

With all the good things happening lately, there had to be some bad. I had this burning desire to throw my life for a little craziness. The ride had been to smooth lately and that made me wander what I’m doing anything for anyway. What’s the point in being safe? What’s the point in following the rules? Technically, there are no real rules. We just do things and sometimes these things don’t meet approval of other people. Brady and I moved into a temporary place until we found one. It was Ocean Matt’s house, he had this little house to the side of his. It was pretty neat and I wasn’t sure why we weren’t allowed to just rent this one. It was a nice space, furnished for the most part and was close to everything that was near us. I actually kind of liked the idea of living here. I liked the idea of having my own place in San Francisco, because what are the odds of that ever happening again. School was starting in a week. So I wasn’t sure when the next time I was going to be able to do this again. I went over to Jose’s house. I wanted to feel the meth pipe between my lips as I soar high into the sky, into the great unknown of numbness. I wanted to feel his body pressed against mine, as the smoke leaves my mouth. I wanted to feel…. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to sit there, as the world passes by me without any recognition of time. Jose had this dude over named Ryan. Ryan was pretty tall, and I could tell that at one time he was pretty cute. I know that when you’re on drugs, being a little cute is fine if you’re just trying to find someone to fuck. Most the time when you’re doing meth, you just want to have sex. It’s one of the greatest feelings in the world. There was nothing like it. I was pretty shy still when it came to strangers being over at Jose’s house. I’d still get naked most of the time and jerk myself off, but I wasn’t one of those guys that would climb on someone else and just fuck them for days. Ryan was pretty interesting as he fled into the more dark sides of life. He had all these stones that you’d get from some witchcraft store. He would mess around with “dark magic” and there was something more intriguing about that then beating off to some porn that’s been on the screen for days now. “Can you do my future?” I asked, breaking the fear of not wanting to know. By the way my life had been going, I figured my future would end up in the near future of death. “You have to be a little more specific,” he said to me. I wasn’t sure how tarot card worked, but I guess you have to ask it a direct question about your future and not just a glimpse into the unknown. “How will this next year go for me?” I asked. It was still pretty generic and vague, but he said that it could work. He started flipping these cards and asking me questions. Apparently, we’re both Aries. Ryan wasn’t my type at all, there wasn’t anything about him that made me want to jump his bones. Although, I had this emotional infatuation with him for the way that he knew how tarot cards worked. I’ve always been intrigued in magic, or the other layers of the world that we can’t see. I just didn’t have any friends to talk about that with. I also didn’t have the patience to learn how to memorize tarot cards. He flipped cards over and didn’t really explain what they meant. I wasn’t sure if he knew what he was doing, although I was still drew in and would probably believe whatever he said. “There are going to be a lot of roadblocks this year, but you have to stay focused, you’re going to achieve everything you want if you keep doing what you’re doing,” he said. “Don’t let anything take you off your path.” Keep doing what I’m doing? Meth? I wasn’t sure if the cards really said that, but whenever I hear someone “predict the future” or palm read. I have to believe it. I haven’t been the best at making my own decisions and maybe someone who has this ability will be better. What kind of roadblocks? I wondered if that meant that I did have HIV. Maybe not knowing wasn’t the best answer and it was going to bite me in the ass. I found myself still a little scared of knowing. Regardless of how much I act like a badass, or how numb I make myself to the world. I don’t really know what I would do if I found out that I’m positive. It’d change my life. It’d make anyone that I have an interest in veer the other way. It would prevent me from eventually having a family and regardless of how I’m not really living right now eventually there may be something that makes me want to try. I don’t want three simple letters be the sole reason that my future is written for me. I know how I get when I’m upset and I figure if I found out that I was positive that I would just go ahead and kill myself. I’d not just swallow pills, as it didn’t really work the first time anyway. I didn’t want to hang myself, because that required a lot of work and the thought of me surviving and having a rope burn around my neck didn’t sound appealing. It may cut me back from getting dick down. The only bulletproof way was to put a bullet through me, ironically. It was just better not knowing, for now. I let the pipe enter my mouth, and the smoke fill my lungs. I felt somehow lighter, happier, like there was nothing on this shit world that would bring me back down. I let myself fall into the pits of darkness too much and sometimes I just needed the wings to fly out. This was the wings. Jose was cool. It wasn’t like we just smoked meth and then would fuck around. Sometimes we’d even do stuff around the house. I had gotten better at still being able to function as I’m fried out of my head. That worried me a little, because soon that meant I could be able to do it and go to work or school. Usually, I would have to take three days off because I didn’t know how bad it would fuck my body up. I shouldn’t have asked to know what the future held for me, because it became something that I couldn’t stop thinking about. I was like addicted to the thoughts of what kind of roadblocks would come my way. I thought about how he said I should keep doing what I’m doing and stay focused. I’m not really doing much, I’m just trying to figure out how to stay alive. I’m figuring out how to manage to go to school and keep working and learn to support myself, so I’m not just floating through the bottom of life. I wanted my life to mean something. I did something more stupid then when I was hitting the glass pipe. I created a new twitter, as someone else. I followed Taylor on it. She had blocked me from reaching her on like every other social media. I just wanted to talk to her though. I wanted to get her opinions on things, and I just wanted to hear from her. Taylors still something I’m overly obsessed with and it’s not healthy. It’s probably more addicting than meth. I just didn’t know how I had fucked it up to the point that she wasn’t ever going to speak to me again. I wasn’t sure how she could never speak to me again. We had once shared our whole lives together, and our ideas. We shared our inner thoughts and how we wanted our futures to go. She held me at night when I was scared, and I would hold her and tell her that we’ll get through everything. It just doesn’t make fucking sense how it all got so bad. I messaged her. I didn’t really want to be here anymore. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be in my bed and drift away into other thoughts. Brady was going to be going to work soon, and he wouldn’t be there to annoy me or bug me. I just wanted to be alone today. I wanted to be stuck in my thoughts and wonder how I ended up in this mess. I haven’t been truly happy since Taylor and I stopped talking. I’d be lying if I said it all had to do with her. Taylor wasn’t enough to keep me out of my dark thoughts, nobody ever would be. That’s a part of me that’s never going to escape. I put my clothes back on and said goodbye to Ryan and Jose. I didn’t really need to spend more time with them. I had somehow gotten into my feels even when I was twacked out of my mind. There was nothing that was able to move me past the thought of Taylor and I knew the second that I went down that road. There wasn’t any going back. I got to my house and threw off my clothes and got under the covers. I didn’t want to see the world. I didn’t want to pretend that life out there was fine in anyway. I didn’t want to die, or anything dramatic like that anymore. I knew that there was no answer that lied within that. I just knew that there was something missing from me. I knew that there was something missing within my life and I wasn’t sure what it was. I felt my body start tensing up. Stop fucking thinking about this shit, Chance It didn’t matter though. None of it ever fucking mattered. It wasn’t like I was in pain, or just sad. I just felt like the world around me was always moving, spinning around me and there wasn’t a single way for me to join it or touch it. I just sat there, amazed by the way it moves, the way it works. I just watched the people in my life find their lovers, have kids, get married, finish school or get their degrees. I sat still, in the most amazed way just watching life beside me pass me by. I had no clue on how to ever grab it. I had no clue on how to live life. I was always just there. Taylor messaged my fake profile back the next day. We talked a little and it was small talk. I knew that she probably would have guessed it was me. She wasn’t an idiot. Who else from California would follow her randomly? I blew my cover when I asked her if she’s ever been in love. With my boyfriend now. I felt the world crush me deeper into the ground. I had always told myself that we were never in love, it was a way for me to cope with the fact that I’ll never see her again. I know that I’ll never be able to talk to her again. Taylor and I grew into two different people that didn’t fit into each others lives. That doesn’t mean that I never once loved her though. I loved her more than I could have ever imagined. I would always love a part of her. That doesn’t mean that I was going to chase her down back to Indiana, and tell her that I’m in love with her. I wasn’t going to fight for her, because there was nothing left in us to fight for. We sealed the deal. That didn’t make it hurt any less, especially today. Brady eventually got home and I was done being in my feels. I think that I had been so upset today that I wasn’t even tweaked out anymore. I just didn’t want to be alone. Brady and I got pizza, and despite me smoking meth all night. I ate a lot of food. I wanted to just fill this void that I had rediscovered in myself today. Truth is, I think I did it because things were going right for me. Things were going to right for me. I was getting kind of scared, and if I wasn’t the one that messed something up and hurt myself then someone else would. I liked to have damage control over myself, because I never know what the future will hold for me. I never know what curveballs will be thrown at me, or what will be taken away from me. I liked having control over myself. It was the final day of summer vacation, before things had to start going back to normal. I was over crying over Taylor again. Taylor was someone that I would hold closely to my heart, even if it was somewhere deep in my heart. I didn’t let myself stress out about her anymore, it was nothing I could control. I couldn’t make her love me again, and I wasn’t sure that’s what I even wanted. I wasn’t able to keep Taylor in a relationship then, and I don’t think I would be able to now. I just thought that she’d be able to save me and that’s no reason to put someone in your life. That’s no reason for me to tell her how I feel about her in hopes that one day she’d make me want to stop doing drugs, want to get a job, want to start a family. That was a shot in the dark. On the small chance that wouldn’t work, what would I do? Throw her away in hopes that maybe someone else could save me. Nobody could save me. I had to save myself, and there was this other person inside of me that didn’t want that to happen. I’ve always felt like there were two people controlling my mind. There was someone that wanted to be okay, that wanted to be someone that people would look up too. I wanted to be someone that my parents were proud of. I wanted to be someone that my sister could consider a role model, and not have to always worry about me. Then there was this person of me that wanted to indulge in alcohol and drugs. I wanted to hit the glass pipe in order to fly so high in the sky that nothing would ever bring me down. I wanted to laugh at the thought of safety and morals because in the end we’re all going to die anyway. It felt like it was a waste of my time. I felt bipolar, but not in the way that my emotions are changing, but that my whole personality is changing. My whole persona. I felt like I was always still Chance, but there were just two different versions of who that person was. Neither had any control over what happened to him, but both tried their best to help them in their own way. Regardless of who that pushes away, who that hurts, who that draws in and who that loves. I felt like I was getting to in my head to not write everything down. I started to journal again about the way my mind was working lately. I liked to write this shit down, because it was something that I would eventually read and see if anything changed. It fascinated me. Brady was good for the most part at not annoying me when I was writing. He respected that I lived inside my head and sometimes just needed to be alone. I sometimes needed my space. It’s time to get out of your head though. I smoked a bowl before bed, and drank a glass of wine. Tomorrow was the start of a revival that I’ve been trying to prepare myself for. Tomorrow was the start of me proving everyone wrong.

#personal #poison #chance conley #booozeboy #gay #drug

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