I crave you in the most innocent form. I crave to say good night to you every night and to give you endless forehead kisses. I crave to play with your hair and to remind you that I adore you even when you feel at your worst. I crave you in ways where I just want to be next to you and nothing more or less. I crave your presence.
and when I have nothing left to give, and my heart feels so heavy, and my lungs feel like they canโt fill up with air anymore, and when my soul is so,
on sundays i look at my grief & beg it to let me rest. on sundays I do not want to think about loss. I do not want to be sad. i want to try to eat, I want to absorb the sun. I want to fill my glass with fresh cold water, and chug it all in one sitting. I do not want to think about the empty spaces and the things i can no longer do anymore or the things I never got the chance to even try. I donโt want to think about the way my life should have been, or could have been. today i want to stop thinking about anything. today I want to soak in everything my life actually is. today, please let me go. let me be happy with where I am. sundays are for resetting my nervous system. I will keep starting over and over again, for as many sundays as I need to, until I feel like me again.
i am afraid of you. afraid of opening up my wounded heart to you, again. in loving me you hold a knife at my throat, and know exactly where to cut. without me speaking a word, you can take my breathe away. you leave my lungs empty. you give me butterflies. palm sweat. heavy breathing. sleepless nights. we are two against the world, yet i still do not trust your hand in mine. this all seems so familiar, and i am terrified.
things have changed, yes, but the wounds still bleed just the same. how do I forgive you? how do I trust you again?
isnโt it crazy how thereโs people in the world that remember details about your life that you will never know again, like your brain just erased pieces of you completely, but someone out there knows little mystery bits of you.
youโre not completely lost, just slightly forgotten.