lowerthanapplebottomj

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

We took a picture of my favorite star constellation that night, you know the one— we were untouchable.

Time stopped and euphoric youth ran through our veins. You were the best damn drug I’ve ever tried.

I was so in love with you.

Missing you comes in waves of grief and so many questions.

I think the answers are just ones I’ve avoided, ones you’ve avoided too. Too scared to hurt me. You loved me, you weren’t ready, you didn’t want to bleed on me but you did love me— at least for a time. Nothing can change my mind about that. Absolutely nothing.

Months later you still had the picture as your screen saver. My dog as your profile picture and we were tip toeing around making each other jealous.

I was a fucking mess. You loved me as much as you could and I am so grateful to have known you in that time. So grateful.

We both realized that it had to end. We were two car crashes who couldn’t stop staring at each other.

I miss you, always.

We were wild for each other, weren’t we?

#writing #poems on tumblr #poetry #poem #literature #reading #lost love #mentally exhausted #mental health #love story #LTABJ #confessionsofaborderline #COAB #sad girl vibes

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

And Then, They Did.

I think I’ve been angry my entire life.

I want to scream and take a baseball bat to houses, cars, and store windows.

I want to text you how much I fucking hate you for what you did to me.

When I told you this is exactly how people have hurt me.

And you still did it to me anyway.

You are a selfish fucking liar.

I find myself saying this phrase every single time I give my heart and soul to someone thinking they would never do the things to me they’ve done.

“And then, they did.”

And they sure fucking did.

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

​bro I’ve been abandoned so much it’s not even a fear at this point it’s just expected

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

“It’s so hard to leave- until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world”

— Unknown

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

How many more mistakes am I going to make?

How many more nights am I going to be holding myself to sleep because somebody decided to love bomb me and break all the promises they made.

How many more “I love you! I’m so happy, You are all mine, I don’t want you seeing anyone else—

but all of a sudden I’m not ready to be yours because I’m too scared of making any sacrifices for you.

Even though you gave me the sun, the moon, and the stars.

Even though I just witnessed you scrape up the last bits and pieces of your fucking soul bloody off the concrete — It is not enough.”

Is that what you wanted?

My soul?

Take it.

There’s nothing left.

When you move on—

My heart is going to cave deep inside of my chest.

In the void of nothingness, I will become a black hole.

When my atoms are scattered across the universe so far away from you and the precious way I stared at your hands tracing mine.

The way our energy connected and how we spoke a language unknown to man every single time our eyes met.

I’ll sink into oblivion.

Maybe, just maybe, that’s where I can create an untouchable life.

I’ll create a universe of my own where nobody can touch me, ever again.

The truth is, I think— worse, than all the bad poetry I honestly could ever write.

The truth is that they want someone less broken.

The truth is— they keep me in their prayers wondering how I became such an unworthy mess.

“Do you believe in god?” They say. “No” I said as I hold a jagged mirror to their faces showing them my creator.

#romance #ltabj #mentally fucked #fuck #short story #adhd #bipolor #bittersweet #ciggeratesaftersex #bpd #NPD vs BPD #borderline personality disorder #poems on tumblr #love poems #my poerty #fucked in the head #heartbreak #heartbroken #sad girl vibes #sad thoughts #shitpost #storytime #depression #all i wanted was you

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

How many more mistakes am I going to make?

How many more nights am I going to be holding myself to sleep because somebody decided to love bomb me and break all the promises they made.

How many more “I love you! I’m so happy, You are all mine, I don’t want you seeing anyone else—

but all of a sudden I’m not ready to be yours because I’m too scared of making any sacrifices for you.

Even though you gave me the sun, the moon, and the stars.

Even though I just witnessed you scrape up the last bits and pieces of your fucking soul bloody off the concrete — It is not enough.”

Is that what you wanted?

My soul?

Take it.

There’s nothing left.

When you move on—

My heart is going to cave deep inside of my chest.

In the void of nothingness, I will become a black hole.

When my atoms are scattered across the universe so far away from you and the precious way I stared at your hands tracing mine.

The way our energy connected and how we spoke a language unknown to man every single time our eyes met.

I’ll sink into oblivion.

Maybe, just maybe, that’s where I can create an untouchable life.

I’ll create a universe of my own where nobody can touch me, ever again.

The truth is, I think— worse, than all the bad poetry I honestly could ever write.

The truth is that they want someone less broken.

The truth is— they keep me in their prayers wondering how I became such an unworthy mess.

“Do you believe in god?” They say. “No” I said as I hold a jagged mirror to their faces showing them my creator.

#poem #poetry #lost love #reading #poems on tumblr #literature #love story #mental health #mentally exhausted #writing #sad thoughts #bpd awareness #bpd thoughts #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #heartbroken #heartbreak #hurt/comfort #shitpost #actually fuck you

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

herakles - euripides (tr. anne carson) //  aaron o’hanlon

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

I’ve been thinking of you so much lately

I’ve been thinking of you lying next to me. I’ve been thinking of our laughter and the person I fell so deeply in love with.

I want to text you. I want to call you and tell you to just come over.

My pride won’t let me. As I know your’s won’t either.

I wonder if you read these, it’s linked to a few other accounts. I did that for the cowardly reasoning of indirectly speaking to you, just in case you find yourself wondering about me anymore.

I think of you every single day. You are always on my mind.

What could have been.

The what ifs eat me alive some days.

It felt like my body was dragged across concrete and broken glass when you left.

You had the time of your life and I was dying bloody on the floor.

You did not care.

You came back and did it again.

You still did not care.

I should’ve had self respect but it almost always gets drowned out by your smile and your sweet laugh.

I’m just thinking about you tonight.

I miss you… I miss you so much.

You were never good at being there for me.

I wanted you to. So badly I did.

#poem #poetry #lost love #reading #poems on tumblr #literature #love story #mental health #mentally exhausted #writing

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

I have a question

Where were you?

With my entire soul, I’m screaming into the night

how you left me

It took me months to even get out of bed.

After months of suffering, numbness and bleeding out

After you destroyed me with words like chemicals suffocating me before I even got the chance to reply

You took my imperfections personally.

You took my illnesses as a personal attack.

After cutting me open and then dissecting me like I was your own personal science project

While you criticize my healing process,

the healing process you forced me into

Do you even realize that?

You waited for me to get better?

You were the heroin.

You made me dope sick.

I was begging you to love me properly

I was the one crying with heart wrenching “I’m sorry”s every time you screamed at me

You see people at their lowest, dealing with situations that you’ve had the privilege of never experiencing

And then you expect them to build a ladder in the pitch black darkness to get to you, instead of reaching out your hand to understand.

If you do, it’s for you.

What did I actually do to you?

You like facts, don’t you?

The fact is, that I blamed myself for months.

The fact is, that you broke every promise you ever made me.

The fact is, you had such little reflection that you truly thought you could get away with it all and still make me believe that it was all my fault.

You’re “sorry for your part”

What part was that exactly? you never bothered to mention.

I am not the person you left.

You were shocked when I remembered everything so vividly, everything that you had the freedom of just brushing off because you weren’t the one who was receiving the heartless texts, the silence, the back and forth support, the abandonment.

“You’re so strong” you say

No shit. I have been healing from people like you my entire life.

So I have a question,

since my friends are “so shitty.”

Even though they were the only ones who helped me pick up the shattered, wrathful, suicidal pieces.

Since I “love everyone but myself”

When I had to rebuild myself from the grave you left me to rot in.

When I came out the other side finally be able to love myself again.

Realizing my worth.

Realizing that I do not need to be yelled at, belittled, lied to, manipulated and LEFT to be loved properly.

My self respect is with in me.

It doesn’t, and has never belonged to you.

My worth is not tangible.

Most importantly,

When I wanted to die.

Where the FUCK were you?

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

And Then, They Did.

I think I’ve been angry my entire life.

I want to scream and take a baseball bat to houses, cars, and store windows.

I want to text you how much I fucking hate you for what you did to me.

When I told you this is exactly how people have hurt me.

And you still did it to me anyway.

You are a selfish fucking liar.

I find myself saying this phrase every single time I give my heart and soul to someone thinking they would never do the things to me they’ve done.

“And then, they did.”

And they sure fucking did.

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

Fuck you.

For making feel loved.

For dancing with me to the sound of the waves as we watched the sunset to shades of purple, orange and blue.

For sitting in my car with me screaming out the lyrics to all our favorite songs while we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

For the mornings doing nothing but staring into each others eyes, pouring our souls out like honey.

For the way you said my name during sex and the eye contact that made me believe god existed.

For loving every inch of my skin.

For kissing all my scars and actually holding a space to listen to the fucked up trauma that took me there.

For being the sweetest love I ever knew and melting you with kisses while you were doing mundane tasks around my house.

For being one of the best friends I ever had, laughing until 3am and making spontaneous runs for our favorite food.

For being just as angry that someone did me that fucking dirty, and holding me while I cried about what I had lost.

For not thinking of me when you told me you loved me when we didn’t even know what we were doing.

For making me fall in love with you, and you begging me to tell you just how I felt. So I finally did, and you had tears in your eyes because you couldn’t even believe that someone loved you so much.

For that same conversation when I told you I push people away when I’m scared and I never wanted to do that to you.

For saying with the purest, most genuine, loving tone “Look at me love, instead of that, can you promise me you’ll talk to me instead?”

I kissed you like I had finally found safety. I finally had somewhere soft to land.

For reassuring me with “Good, because if you can do that, we can get through anything.”

For realizing you weren’t ready,

after all that.

For letting my guard down thinking someone might actually put me first. That maybe I could finally be soft, and stop carrying this weight in my chest that has slowly suffocated me over the years.

For making me believe that you would stay.

For leaving anyway.

Fuck you.

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

I want to tell you I love you

Still to this day, I think I will always love you.

You have no idea how hard it is to forcing myself to fade away from you.

I cannot look at you without it breaking my entire heart.

I miss you with every fiber of my soul.

I deserve to be with someone who wants me.

At one time you did—

And if you wanted to you still would.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

I deserve to know a honest love that stays.

After everything I’ve been through, I know I at least deserve that.

#poem #poetry #lost love #reading #poems on tumblr #literature #love story #mental health #mentally exhausted #writing #heartbroken #heartbreak #sad thoughts

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

star trek tos au where all the uniform boots look like this

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

{—Yann Martel, Life of Pi/Guillaume Apollinaire, from The Sirens/Olin Ivory, from the poem "Bad Year Anthem by Matthew Nienow, Poetry/ Khalil Gibran, Sand and Foam}

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

{Franz Kafka Letters to Milena/ Franz Kafka, The Blue Octavo Notebooks}

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

artwork by Yoshitaka Amano